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bugaboooooooooo · 2 years

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I havent seen anybody talk about Gabriels new suit yet, so i took this as an opportunity to write a whole ass essay about it. enjoy lmao

You could argue that the whole suit and stuff is all just for the promo for the alias rings but honestly i dont think so bc i feel like it symbolizes SO MUCH.

First off, it makes a huge point to show that Adrien and Gabriel are complete opposites now. bc now hes the opposite of Chat Noir, hes completely in white as opposed to Chat who's in black.

He also perfectly resembles Chat Blanc now (not only are they both completely white, the only colour present is blue and its in their eyes). I think this is to show that hes going to sort of become like Chat Blanc: evolution already showed us that hes descending into madness; hes destroyed any chance to save Emilie without the miraculous by not choosing either Nathalie or Emilie, just like how Chat Blanc destroyed the world by not being able to choose Ladybug or his father, and there are probably much more parallels that I can't think of rn.

What i also noticed is that the model for gabriels suit isnt the same as his old one. its very similar, but there are some differences:

The collar is way higher and tighter than before;

The buttons are missing;

His pants are way tighter that originally: they used to slack a bit at his ankles, but now theyre skin tight;

No shoelaces.

I think the collar change shows that the new powers etc are choking him, or at least that theyre making him weaker. They also give off a more formal, strict vibe.

The lack of buttons show that hes dug himself too deep into the mess hes created; theres no way out, hes trapped in this mess.

I think the pants symbolize how gabriel feels like theres no room for error, everything must be perfectly alligned, and, like the collar, it gives off big bad formal corporation vibes.

The lack of shoelaces, like the buttons, symbolize that Gabriel has no way out.

He also has gloves on, which is interesting. I feel like gloves are usually used to show that a character is hiding something, like with Elsa and Hans in Frozen.

He also has different glasses on, the cut at the back of his jacket is different from his og model and it looks like the jacket is differently structured (theres a seam right above his shoulder blades) :

I honestly dont know what to do with that, but its worth noting.

(I know that the seam is used to make a jacket more form fitting, so I guess that falls in line with what the rest of the changes told us but idk abt the rest)

Edit: someone pointed out that the seam is probably the back of the suits lapel, thank you for letting me know!!

Whats also VERY interesting is the fact that he looks alot like how he did in the concept art:

Whats even more interesting is that originally, Hawkmoth wasnt going to be a stand-alone figure; there was supposed to be a whole evil corporation that Gabriel was the head of.

And now, in canon, we see Gabriel teaming up with Tomoe, and its implied that she is (at least partially) aware of what Gabriel is doing. Together with the whole creepy party in the Gabriel Agreste ep and the scene in Feast where Audrey Bourgeious' and Tomoe's reactions where shown to the reveal of Feast, they could be hints as to whats going to come.

tl;dr: I think the new suit puts Gabriel and Adrien even more opposite of each other, shows the parallels between Chat Blanc and Gabriel, reflects Gabriel and the position he's in now better, and hints at a change in how hes going to operate as Hawkmoth (that he's going to form an organisation)

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pirefyrelight · 3 months

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Rant about work today below cut

so today was fun (<- lying so hard you can see the sarcasm) I first came in to work at 2 because that's my usual shift and I just didn't check the schedule beyond whether I work or not a few days ago. Turns out I was supposed to be in at 4 to close and the way the sous chef informed me of this kinda soured my mood right out the gate. He didn't call me an idiot for not checking my schedule outright, but I could hear it in his voice.

Whatever, I'll brush it off. There's a coffeeshop with good breakfast sandwiches like two blocks away I'll hang out there for a few hours.

Well turns out they close at 3 in the winter and I didn't know they weren't open until 4. So even though I left immediately and the employee was nice and polite about it, I felt like the asshole customer who was trying to stay after closing. So just another bad emotion to throw in the mix.

So I headed back and sat in the back hallway of work on my phone off the clock since sous was already mad I was here early (for some reason- it's a busy week it's not like I'd be standing around and if I'm already here anyway who gives a shit)

And of course being at work and trying to relax is not compatible. People are talking and coworkers I don't vibe with are hanging out and getting on my nerves for just existing so I put both earbuds in to drown it all out as I scroll tumblr and that mostly works until-

I get the distinct impression that the last thing that was said was to me. I look up and it's the head chef looking at me. I take my music out and ask him to say again. He tells me "you know you can clock in and get to work right"

It was still like 15 minutes to 4. I was planning on clocking in 5 minutes to. Because the aforementioned sous being mad at me for being early. I didn't feel like explaining that and I already don't like chef and didnt want him to think i was arguing so I just agreed that yes I can get to work and did. It still grated on me and getting contradictory orders that make me feel like I can never do anything right is pretty high on my pet peeve list so even though I pushed it down it really set me off inside.

So you know. Before the apron's on I'm pissed.

Did I mention I was off work yesterday? I was off work yesterday. You know what having a day off work does to my station, my lovely neat and organized station that I do everything in my power to keep that way so I can survive my fucking job?

It makes it look like a hurricanes been through there.

If bottles aren't greasy or missing, door handles are sticky, dessert cooler is packed with mess that should be in the offline cooler, plate stacks are missing, and of course I should note we are running both a featured salad and dessert that I would consider me not having space for therefore making an extra layer of clutter I can't actually get rid of.

Oh did I mention we technically open at 3? I have to deal with tickets as I organize all this shit, and mentally I can't look at the probably poorly marked preplist before counters and line coolers have some semblance of organisation.

Theres an adage the previous chef would say, "messy station messy mind," and he was so right.

If only there was a solution. If only I had more time to get set up and get certain sauces and dressings at room temp where they can actually come out the bottle. If only there was some magical way to preserve my sanity and actually get my job done smoothly. But I guess some things are just meant to stay in the realm of impossibility.

And of course because I wasn't working yesterday and the opening was chaos, I didn't notice we were already on the backups that were panned up for beets and arugula for the featured salad. Everything is prepped, but I need it brought to station.

I tell my second as she's pulling the empty pan, "hey can you get four more of these flat bottomed [6th] pans and both types of beets please?" I even pointed at the pan. I meant for her to bring them up and I actually pan them up so I can make sure they're labeled and filled to the top and the backups are wrapped properly and everything but she takes awhile to do that (and she's not the kind to talk to every single person on her way to and back from the cooler like another second on my station) so she's probably panning them on prepline and that's fine, ok?

I didn't Specifically say to bring empty pans up to let me do it, and she's trying to do her job I'm not mad ok. As long as it gets done. Despite what the rest of this post tells you I am not so much of a control freak I cannot recognize that.

Heres the thing. She didn't pan up backups. She did one pan of each type of beet, and one was in a round bottom pan. (This matters slightly in the fact that 1. Flat bottoms hold more volume and 2. They're more stable standing upright on flat surfaces, like on a makeshift cooler made out of a hotel pan over ice that I don't know is entirely health code complient but that's not important here)

Point is it wouldn't Really matter if I didn't specifically tell her to get flat pans and I know there's flat pans back there. It also wouldn't Really matter if I didn't tell her to get 4. What did she think the other two were for? I asked here where the backups were and she was confused so I explained I wanted two of each, and she went to get those.

Do more at one time and you have to do it less often. I don't know how this is so hard to explain or understand. If there were backups already in the line cooler this wouldn't be any issue at all but here we are.

So I finished my wave of tickets and got the arugula myself. Did I mention the distant whistling the whole time? There was distant whistling throughout this entire encounter. Do I need to explain why that didn't help anything at all?

And then there's the servers who just expect me to be able to read their minds instead of what they actually type onto the tickets. "Birthday" ≠ "birthday plate" (birthday desserts get discounted, and some anniversary or birthday people get a big plate denoting the celebration written in chocolate at the top. Idk if this special treatment costs extra or what) and you would think one of the servers that have been working here longer than I have would know that by now.

I want it to be noted that mistakes are understandable but still, having to replate something in the middle of a rush because of a server's mistake has never improved my mood even once. Did the time you save by not typing those 5 letters surpass the time taken by me redoing it for you?

Im so tired. I know I'm bossy and controlling, but I do make a very conscious effort to understand that each thing here isn't something to be mad about. Everyone makes mistakes, and my standards for organization are matched by very few people. I do try so very hard to let all non essential things go, but holy fucking shit it adds up so quickly.

But you know what? There's upside at the end of all this.

I get to go immediately to bed and do it all again tomorrow.

#pire.txt #Venting about work tag #I tried to make it coherent #I very specifically checked my schedule and I'm in at 2 and not closing for the next two days #And I was the one to mark the preplist today for tomorrow so I know it was done right #god I'm so tired physically and emotionally #Remember when I was the only one trained for that station?#I was soloing a two person station all summer and I was tired but it was being done right?#Yeah #Fuck I need out #I think I need to try and get screened again for mental issues #There's no way this is just the autism not with how big the emotional response is #Either that or get back into therapy. Or both.#I get a major discount for behavioral health it's definitely easier now than when my parents tried sending me to one after my diagnosis #And the only major identifiable problems were I couldn't do my homework to save my life and also the other kids hated me #There's definitely more specifics to talk about and explore now.#I just need to fucking get on that horse I guess #I'm not doing shit now tho I need to go to bed

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freindly-neighbourhood-anarchist · 3 years

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《•Sleeping in his lap•》

A/N: I'm so sorry for the layout of this. Tumblr has been acting up and anytime I try to save something to my drafts, it literally deletes. I took screenshots beforehand in case it happened again and it did so--

Theres a lot spelling mistakes in the first half because I cant edit it, but yknow..

This sucks lol

I hate using tumblr for writing, but it's more organised than other fanfic sites :/

Anyways, if you know how to fix this problem, please let me know how you do that haha I should’ve wrote these prompts in notes or something but that’s on me i guess lol

I had more characters done as well but they unfortunately deleted ://

____________________________________________

Your eyes narrowed at him,” What is wrong with you?? I could’ve hurt my neck, you know?!” You argued with him.

”And? Your fat head would’ve made my leg go dead if you lay on it yet you don’t see me whining like a little bitch.” He retorted, his lips twitching into a shit eating grin,” Sucks to suck, I guess.” He shrugged.

”Youre such a prick.” You murmured bitterly, crossing your arms over your chest with a pout.

At the sound of his mocking laugh, the only thing you wanted to do was wipe that stupid grin off his stupid face.

So that’s what you did.

You suddenly grabbed his collar roughly, yanking him towards you. His head landed harshly yet snugly onto your thighs.

”What the fu-?!” He stared up at you with a genuinely shocked expression, his mouth agape and his eyes widened comically, his cheeks stained a bright red hue.” What the fuck is your problem, woman?!!”

”You. You’re my problem.” You sighed out, running your fingers through his soft hair calmly and slowly,” You’re such a pain.”

He scoffed and went to get off of your lap for the sake of his precious pride but the feeling of your fingers running through his hair felt too good to abandon.

He bit his lip to stop the groan of satisfaction escaping, his head relaxing into your comfortable and warm thighs. His eyes shutting with bliss, the smell of your intoxicating blossom shampoo filling him with tranquility.

When his eyes cracked open a little, he felt his snarky attitude return at the sight of your triumphant smirk as your eyes watched him in amusement.

”Wipe that dumbass smirk off of your face. I am not enjoying th-“ He was cut off by his own groan of pleasure, the feeing of your fingers scratching his scalp felt amazing.

” What was that?” You grinned out.

”Fuck off, peasant.”

#genshin imagines #genshin aether #genshin impact x gender neutral reader #genshin x reader #childe x kaeya #aether x reader #zhongli x reader #Scaramouche x reader #tumblr is a mess #tumblr is so scuffed #zhongli #childe #aether #scaramouche

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ronnytherandom · 3 years

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I forgot to watch content all week so i wrote about games ive been playing

9/2/2021: The Truman Show

You should fear your fears but embrace them and use them to guide you into the unknown, to explore and experience what life has to offer. Fear stands between you and the fullest experience of life so you must pass through it to better yourself. Heed not the walls built about you and the chains made to hold you. Though the architects insist it will preserve your life, containment is anathema to life. Do not take in faith the benevolence of powers that be; instead trust those who would support and liberate you, guide you through fear and into life.

As best I can lay it out, I think this is the philosophy of the Truman show but there is so much more to read into it also. There is critique of systems of commodification and celebrity (i.e. capitalism) reducing human beings to a consumable good as well as encouragement to find and pursue your goals despite adversity and even sensibility which is also tied to the illusion of economic responsibility. You can’t put a camera inside a human head, you can never “know” them without being an active and intrinsic part of their life, but also there is need for reciprocation. If one half exists with ulterior motive then the entire relationship is rotten; sincere humanity is what creates real connections. Without such your world is fake. A world built around one person is a world where no one can truly live. All these actors have given up basically their entire lives for the sake of watching Truman have his life built around him by outside forces, have allowed themselves to be commodified and dehumanised for the good of one man, Christoph. The man at the top has delusions of grandeur and thinks only of his own bottom line, he cares not for his subjects but simply wants them to do as he tells them because it benefits him to commodify their lives and interactions. Even then he cannot stand to lose control and in seeking to demonstrate Truman’s “realness” he structures his life so thoroughly that eventually there’s no reality left, only a script and adverts. But the people watching still empathise with Truman because everyone in the working class understands what it is to be trapped because real life is our own Truman show and one day we must all pass through fear, step out of the dome and create a real life for ourselves outside of the system of commodification which consumes everyone’s life and removes all realness and sincerity and emotional catharsis from it.

I unreservedly love this film.

14/2/2021: Assorted Game Reviews

Horizon Zero Dawn (Unfinished due to technical issues, 45 hours inc. parts of Frozen Wilds): This game is really cool and really fun. I think it is defined by its incredible setting which somehow creates a fresh feeling post-apocalyptic environment. Said environment creates intriguing alt-future lore and some very interesting environments to explore. I love the machine designs (especially tallnecks!) and was very sad to hear one of their contributing artists passed away recently but I’m glad their work lives on in this visually stunning game. I’m a sucker for Ubisoft-style open world games simply because it tickles a certain kind of itch and somehow this non-Ubisoft game has outdone Ubisoft on their own formula, which is hilarious, but also good for me as running around this world exploring and clearing map markers is engaging fun. Not least because of the combat. I have a minor criticism here that the combat feels slightly awkward on mouse and keyboard, the arrows never seem to go where I’m aiming, but aside from that the experience of fighting is a grand one. Enemies never lose their threat and I love the weak spot system the game employs which makes every tool useful in niche circumstance and rewards curiosity. It specifically manages this in a way that I feel the Witcher series could learn from if it ever returns; by making head on assault less viable and encouraging tactical hunting. I do feel this system makes hunting robots so fun that by contrast hunting humans becomes a chore however, though I noted this improves in the dlc with the addition of humans with elemental weaknesses limited in number as they are. I cannot speak for the story in entirety but what I encountered was pretty good, though I feel as if it was only just really getting going at the point where I could not continue. I find Aloy to be a compelling and well portrayed protagonist and though I can guess about her origin and the ultimate end of the alt-future apocalypse I still want to see how it plays out on screen, so will return to this as soon as I’ve fixed it.

Rimworld (122 hours. Familiar with but do not own Royalty Expansion):

Rimworld is one of those super special games that I don’t think I have a single problem with. Fair warning it can be brutal and is heavily dependent on RNG but this allows it to create truly unique and interesting scenarios on a constant basis. In the wider perspective it could be described as formulaic, with regular cycles of managing the settlement between raids and random events, but the devils in the details. Colonist traits, health and skills dictate how you play and sometimes you’ll be forced to adapt as some colonists simply refuse to perform some tasks. The depth of health particularly amuses me, in that each little part of someone’s body is modelled in a way. If you’re in a firefight you may take a single bullet which grazes your finger and you’re fine. Alternately it could pierce your human leather cowboy hat, your skull and kill you instantly and the game will tell you exactly what happened. The risk/reward element is addictive enough, and that’s without accounting for just how cool it is to see your colony slowly expand. Establishing more and more options for crafting is fun and shows off the full range of different items in the game which is fucking extensive. Between clothing, weapons, armour, sculpture and drugs to name only a few you have the opportunity to create many varied production lines either for your colonists or to trade for money and there is a lot of fun to be had here as well as it is quite satisfying to see psychoid you have grown personally become the cocaine your colonists snort to help them stay awake on limited sleep. From an archaeologist’s perspective it is especially cool to look back over your base and see the hints of how and why structures were built and remember the history of your limitations and development through structure. I think the lore of the universe is really cool too, a very 40k-esque kind of place except with far less order, somehow. But the universe does an excellent job of feeling alive and moving constantly on both a planetary and interstellar level. You can fully believe that while you build wooden shacks to shield yourself from terrifyingly low temperatures there are simultaneously rich pieces of shit living it up on the glitterworld that’s one system over. The music does an excellent job of creating the wild west frontier atmosphere the game cultivates to great effect. Ultimately, for just being a grid with a series of different numbers attached, this game does a fantastic job of creating a compelling, brutal and very real colony management experience. I dont think I can properly put into words the grandness and scope of this one. I didnt even mention the modding scene, which is expansive and tailors to basically any need you could have. The Rim is a terrifying place but theres so much fun to be had.

Factorio (86 hours, mostly 1.1): Having completed a game of Factorio I can tell you reliably that this is one of the best games ever made, thoroughly addictive and fun. If you like numbers, logistics, TRAINS, its gonna be your thing. Not to mention its probably the only documented case of a game with no bugs (so far as official forums are concerned). Strictly speaking this games combat is not the most engrossing thing but good lord do you feel it when you acquire a flamethrower. The way each aspect of the game (production, research, logistics, combat, upgrades for everything therein) feeds into the next is a really well constructed balancing act such that you must experience the full game in order to complete it and I always appreciate this kind of design. I think its one of the best tenets of factory game design especially as its something present in Satisfactory too. Beyond all of this generalised good the game is also excellent in its intricacies, the architecture necessary to build a maximum efficiency base, the level of planning and organisation that can be employed is mind-blowing. Not to mention the mod community, factorion is already an extensive experience and some mad bastards have seen fit to complicate it further, hats off to them. This really is a great moment in gaming.

Destiny 2 (198 hours, all expansions, played some post Forsaken release, mostly Season of Arrivals onwards, spent roughly £20 on microtransactions):

This is a very interesting and enjoyable experience, but I must say it can be a bit controversial at times. What its does particularly well is moment to moment gameplay and design in all aspects. The game is stunning; between environments, cosmetics, shaders ships and ghosts there’s a vast range of incredible things to see, all rooted in the “pseudo-magi-science” aesthetic it’s got going on. The class design is excellent and you really do feel like you embody this rampaging madman / agile gunman / space wizard archetype, whichever you choose to play. The abilities, especially supers, are very satisfying. Everything has heft and power behind it which can be felt in all aspects of design; sound and animation is top notch. Movement is cool, you can feel how fast you move both on foot and in vehicles and the navigation has a little fun subtlety depending on your class jump, even if you can bounce unpredictably occasionally. But for the love of god why is the wall kick in there? It has only ever served to push me from a ledge into a bottomless pit. You're looking to remove antiquated content? Start there. Some guns are not so good to shoot but there’s such a great range of guns that are fun its like complaining about one drop in an ocean; and enemies are fun to shoot at, each faction distinct in meaningful ways and presenting an effective challenge. Speaking of oceans, that’s one way to describe the lore. I haven’t dived too deep but it keeps going down forever and everything I’ve read is intriguing. As a former Elder Scrolls lore nut this is something I could definitely sink my teeth into, though its much more of a pulpy sci-fi vibe than a pure nonsense vibe. I do think the game has a bit of a loot problem, primarily in regards to the conflict between high stats and looking good. This should never be a conflict, and yes you can apply ornaments to any purple gear but that’s not enough when I spend the entire time grinding power levels and thus must change armour and weapons on a constant basis to progress. This game needs a true transmog system and if not that, rethink how gear power level works. Perhaps rather than earning new instances of gear you always possess a version of it and the loot you acquire in missions just upgrades your instance to your current overall power level? This would serve to do away with the current upgrade system which I think is a needless additional grind. Perhaps it could be retained in using enhancement cores to empower gear as present but necessitating a whole upgrade module to keep your favourite weapon on hand is kind of painful honestly. There is also at present the issue of sunsetting gear, mildly controversial to say the least. If it’s necessary to streamline the game and make it function moving forward so be it but surely loot pools should be adjusted so you can actually get useful loot from older locations? And why sunset personal instances of gear which can be acquired at the regular power level anyway? I had to throw away my favourite bow and hunt down a new version of the exact same weapon for… what reason? I do think destination navigation leaves a little to be desired also. I get that having a physical hub world is meaningful but Destiny does not have a very extroverted community; I can count the times someone noticed me in the tower on one hand. And its not even like there’s fun activities to be found in the same sense as say Deep Rock Galactic, which really does take advantage of its hub. Perhaps for players who simply want to go about their business all of the vendors could be set into a menu system where just clicking an icon takes you to their menu from anywhere in the system rather than, per se, having to go through an entire loading screen (Which takes you to orbit and back) to reach a location which serves simply as the front for four menus. These are established player problems. As a dedicated PvE player I can say that this game is immensely fun in combat and growing in power does feel really good. It’s something I recommend getting into, there’s just some very large creases that need ironing which the Bungie should really take the time to address rather than pushing out new in game content every three months.

#the truman show #horizon zero dawn #rimworld #factorio #destiny 2 #d2 #film #movies #video games #i dont know what im doing #hzd #opinion

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horansqueen · 4 years

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Vote For My Next Story

I'll try to keep this short. YOU&ME has ended, and it was a big part of the last few years of my life (along with AM Conversations). It'll probably always be my favorite and best story but that doesnt mean i want to stop writing.

please, know that the oneshots ideas are independent from the story ideas, meaning that i can write a story AND oneshots at the same time so let me know if youre interested!

(click on the read more to read the 10 synopsis of the story ideas I’d like to write)

AM Conversations & YOU&ME ideas:

-oneshots ideas for what happened after the story, before the story, or even in-between chapters in the story. you can send me ANY idea that you would want to read between Liv and Niall or other characters.

-oneshots ideas for any "what if" you can think of (i.e. what if one of them didnt love the other, what if they hadnt seen each other at the bakery, what if Liv had dated Louis, etc)

NEW STORY IDEAS:

NOTES:

all the ideas are AU.

#2 #8 and #9 will include a few of the 1D boys.

despite the title, #4 is a Niall fic

titles may change

VOTE HERE!!!!

you can also vote by messaging me.

in the form, theres a place for comments but you dont have to leave any

you also dont have to leave your name or anything

thank you if you vote, it means a lot to me!

ill keep this open for a while, until i get enough votes :)

1- UNPREDICTABLE

They haven't seen each other since high school and they hadn't missed each other at all. In fact, they never really could stand each other. Her, a bit of a rebel, listening to punk music, searching for trouble whenever she could... and him, the good boy, popular and loved by everyone, who could rarely be seen without his guitar. It's been a few years already but not many things had changed and they still didn't have anything in common... except one thing. Both of them aspired to become famous with their music. With a twist of fate, they end up in each other's lives again and if they can put aside their resentment for one another, maybe they could bring something incredibly precious to each other. But nothing has ever been uncertain.

This is the story of two opposite persons who share a burning passion that may slowly bring them closer... or make the hatred they already feel for each other even more intense.

2- D.N.A. (daddies now available)

The test was positive. I was pregnant. The problem was, I didn’t know who the father was. It could be my ex boyfriend Liam, his best friend Niall or my best friend Louis. Or maybe it could be that boy I randomly had sex with, Harry... I had no idea and I was not going to find out soon.¸

All I knew was I had to tell four boys that there was a possibility for them to be a daddy in less than a year. Can you just imagine their reaction?

Contrary to all expectations, they accepted their fates.. somehow. And no matter who his daddy was, “little human” was going to get a lot of attention from a lot of men. Exactly like me.

This is my pregnancy story. And it was just the beginning of a long journey.

3- MEANT TO BE

When they first met, Louis was all *MAIN GIRL* ever wanted. However, a decade later the high school sweethearts had change and she felt like most of the sparkles she once had were now gone. Then she met Niall and it clicked instantly and intensely and since then, they’ve been seeing each other in secret, lying to their whole entourage about the nature of their relationship. Feelings started to grow, things started to change, and maybe, just maybe, it’s meant to be. Or maybe not.

A tale of broken hearts, unforgettable love and many… way too many lies.

4- LIVING WITH LOUIS TOMLINSON

Call me Queen Catastrophe. I lost my job, my boyfriend, my best girl friend and my apartment on the same day. Just a little friday afternoon like all the others, right?

Thank god, my best friend Louis was there to save the day. Nothing unusual. I was supposed to crash at his apartment for one night and then walk on my pride and go back to my parents to admit how much of a failure I really am.

However, Louis had other plans : he wanted me to move in with him. That’s when my story really starts. Mutual feelings, drunken sex, grocery shopping, fights that end up with porcelain thrown around the kitchen (I’m an intense person, I know) but most of all, his best guy friend stealing his (our, now) couch at least 5 nights a week.

I despise Niall Horan with all my heart. Him and his stupid charm, his flirty smile and his hands that always ended up in places they shouldn’t. He was threatening to come between Louis and I. He was slowly taking more space in our apartment… and in my heart.

Fuck, I hate Niall Horan with a passion.

5- FOR YOUR LOVE

After months of trying to get pregnant, Niall and his long-time girlfriend found out she was sterile. The news obviously shook their relationship and sparked a few arguments but after a long discussion, they found only one solution : hire a surrogate mother. As days go by, Niall's relationship gets harder and harder to save, and his connection with the surrogate mother of his child becomes tighter. Soon, he gets caught in feelings he can't explain and definitely can't understand. But life is not as easy as just following your feelings.

A story of unsettling feelings, confusing relationships, a deep and strong connection but mostly, decisions impossible to make. Can this really end well?

6- DATING FOR DUMMIES

*MAIN GIRL* has tried blind dates, dating apps, and speed dating to find her soulmate with no good result. Niall has tried pretty much the same without much more success. With all the bizarre, creepy and incompatible persons they meet, they're so close to give up on love until they meet each other through a friend. After a bottle of wine and a long discussion, they start thinking that maybe they were the problem, and that they're too dumb for dating. That's when they decide to make a list of what they individually want and need on a first date and finally decide to try it together. Unfortunately, things rarely go as planned and they will both realize that feelings can't be controlled.

When all else fails, the solution will always be to follow your heart.

7- THE BREAK-UP PLAN

*MAIN GIRL* and Niall's relationship had started when they had barely entered their teenager years. Now, over 10 years later, they feel like something is missing. They didn't know anything else besides each other and it had to change. They still planned on spending forever together but their lack of experiences and mistakes seemed to be an obstacle between them.

They agreed on break that was not really a break. for six whole months, they would be able to do whatever they wanted to do with whoever they wanted to. Going to parties, leaving for a whole weekend with friends without giving any news, dating and even screwing whoever they wanted, nothing was out of reach.

They only had one rule : honesty. Every friday night, they'd meet and spend the whole night together, talking, making out or just cuddling until they'd fall asleep, to make sure their love was preserved.

Unfortunately, things rarely go as planned and seeing the person you love the most in the world be happy without you is something almost impossible to accept.

A story about angry tears, painful jealousy, sweet sweet revenge and realizing who your real soulmate is. Watch out, it's gonna hurt.

8- HOT MESS

*MAIN GIRL* has always been a bit of a rebel who didn't really care about much. She just enjoyed life the way she wanted to and never really paid attention to anything else. If she wanted something, she did everything she could to get it, no matter who she'd hurt in the process. After a few years away from her hometown, family and friends, she finally comes back to realize that a lot of things have changed. Jumping in her twin brother Liam's life without being invited, she's about to make a mess of everything he had made so much effort to build by flirting with every single one of his friends without any shame. She's not looking for a relationship, she's just looking to have some fun and break a few hearts... but perhaps, she's about to make a mess of her own heart.

Sometimes, you play the game and some other very rare times, the game plays you.

9- 15 Complicated Rules

I have no idea how I got into this mess but somehow, I ended up with 4 different fuck buddies. I thought I was going crazy until I made a strict schedule of the days and time I would see them, and wrote down a few rules I had to respect myself. A useful guide to manege my 4 fuck friends. Monday for my ex boyfriend, tuesday for my co-worker, wednesday for my old best friend and thursday for a family friend. It could work, right?

I've never been much of an organised person but I honestly thought I could make this work. Everything went as planned for a few months until I broke one rule after the other. That's when I knew I was in deep shit. These are my 15 complicated rules to have fuck buddies. And this is the story of my downfall and the incredible mess I put myself into. After all, rule 15 was 'Never Fall In Love' and I guess that's something I couldn't control, even if I wanted to.

10- DISCONNECTED

When *MAIN GIRL* switches college to finally follow her dreams, she was ready to face anything and everything that would come her way. After all, she had been through so much already, right? The problem was, she didn't expect to be stuck in a room with someone who gets on her last nerves because of a paperwork mistake. Despite trying to find an other place to live or spend her time talking to the administration, she had to face the fact that this situation wouldn't change for a few months. Niall knew how to piss her off and he clearly abused that superpower, doing anything and everything he can to annoy the most pretentious and stuck-up person he had ever met. Perhaps fate is having a good laugh, because they seem to get stuck together way more often than not, but it's not until they let down their defense that they will see who the other really is... if that ever happens.

Apparently, some people are in your life to teach you something and make you grow. Perhaps, if you take the time to listen to them and open up to them, your karmic soulmate can turn into your twin flame... or not.

11- NEW ANGEL

When *MAIN GIRL 1* breaks up with Niall, he takes it harder than he thought he would, realizing in the process all the feelings he had for her. After a few weeks locked by himself in his room, his friends take him out on a crazy night and he decides he needs someone else, if only to get over the girl he loves. That’s when he meets *MAIN GIRL 2* and bring her back home. However, on the next morning, he realizes he doesn't want her to leave, and that despite the feelings he has for *main girl 1*, he could definitely develop something with *main girl 2*. Everything is going amazingly well for a few weeks until what Niall never thought would happen actually happens : *main girl 1* calls him to tell him she regrets leaving him. Now confused and stressed, Niall is going to have to make a choice between the girl he thought he'd spend his life with, and a girl he just met that makes his heart race. And he's going to get help on his journey from someone he would never have thought of.

A story about making choices, creating connections, messy hearts and confusing emotions.

(i have many ideas for this one but i dont want to give everything away!)

33 notes · View notes

disaster-bay-leaf · 3 years

Note

Ok so these were the cutest~ (ㆁωㆁ)

4, 6, 7, 9, 12, 19, 22, 23, 28, 33, 34, 46, 47, 52, 59, 60, 63, 66, 83, 87, 88, 93, 99

I kno I listed like....all of them lmao but feel free to answer whichever you want and ofc you can ask me in return Baybe ( ◜‿◝ )♡

uHUHUHUHU much content for me to answer, im happy bebe 💜💜💜✨

4 - how do you take your coffee/tea?

hm coffee either Very Black No Sugar (for the sleep deprived me) or iced latte three sugars and theres no in between

and as for tea its All Black Teas That Exist, cinnamon-flavoured especially (but basically all teas that come to mind when u think “autumn”), and rooibos!!! okay basically the only oke i dont like is any type of green tea (which is sad because they look cool but my tastebuds said ✨no✨)

6 - do you keep plants?

honestly id l o v e too because i love plants but,,, im kinda horrible at taking care of them though still way better than the majority of my family (research helps) so the only plant i own is kinda a small-palm-tree-looking thing in a bigass glass jar that i saved from my mother’s plant-destructing hands and its mostly doing well (the ends of its leaves are starting to be yellow tho and im worried:((( )

7 - do you name your plants?

yes!!! though the current one was named by my sister and its called “pickett” after fantastic beasts shsjjsj

9 - do you like singing/humming to yourself?

oh god oh dude you have n o idea

i have absolutely n o singing voice but its something i do constantly to give my brain the right amount of stimuli so basically i listen to music 24/7 and hum to myself 99% of that time

12 - whats your favourite planet?

oh i actually didnt think about this for so long but either pluto (hes a planet screw nasa) or saturn (RINGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) or venus (girls,,,and libra,,,)

19 - do you keep a journal? what do you write/draw in it?

okay im gonna be completely honest with yall and say that my every single try at keeping a journal failed spectacularly and i lost motivation after like a few months so my only journals rn are my fancy fake-leather-bound calendar to note tests and assessments into, a kinda roughed up notebook that i uses for noting down poems or scribbling or passing notes in class, and a kinda fancy bullet journal notebook that i used as a book of shadows for a while but since my fountain pen died i didnt touch it

22 - are you a morning person?

n o

i am so not a morning person but i wish i could be because honestly dawns are beautiful

but as it is rn im either sleep deprived all the time and loathe every second of being in an awake state or (if i have a few days of schoolbreak) my biological clock moves forward a few hours and i sleep 2am-10am

23 - whats your favourite thing to do on lazy days with zero obligations?

except for the fact that i dont remember the last time it happened, i would probably spend it drawing outside, watching anime with my sister and riding a bike around the forest

28 - sunrise or sunset?

i love sunrises because its so peaceful and everyone is asleep but also i subconsciously immediately correlate them with waiting for a train to take me to school (because thats basically the only time i see them) so its a bittersweet love especially with my fucked up biological clock

but sunsets are really really pretty too and i see them more often so i cant choose

33 - whats your fave pastry?

and isnt that a millior-dollar question dhsjjsjsj

either cinnamon rolls (i absolutely adore them) or that one specific type of cupcake-shaped-thing made out of shortcrust/bread/whatever its called and filled with vanilla pudding

34 - tell us about a stuffed animal you kept as a kid. what is it called? what does it look like? do you still keep it?

awwww this is cute

okay so basically my two favourite stuffed animals (i still have them, they sit in my wardrobe) were two teddy bears (like maybe 20cm high each of them) and one was pure brown and the other was silver-brown and they had stereotypical polish male names “Waldek” (read. Valdek) and Stefan (i think tho im not sure if i remember correctly, my memory is a feeble thing sometimes

46 - tell us the worst pun you can think of

what dog would never bite you? a hot dog *badumtss*

47 - what food do you think should be banned from the universe?

huh a year ago id say pineapple pizza but i guess i dont hate pineapples that much anymore (tho putting them on pizza is still an abomination) but i think that if id ever want to get rid of anything it would be parsley, i hate that freakin herb (does it count as food tho)

52 - what are your favourite memes of the year so far?

the ever given for sure shsjshjsjsjsjjsj

but bullying tramp stamps is gold and pure tumblr energy too

as for fandom memes: im in love with all keeping-up-with-the-todorokis variations and the fact that the entire bsd fandom looked at fukuchi and said “biTCH” and thats one of the only things we’re unanimous about

59 - whats your favourite myth?

i always liked the kora/persephone myth (though demeter is an overbearing parent to the nth power), loki and thor crossdressing at a party to get mjolnir back, atalanta because shes a queen and id politely ask her to kick my ass, and cassandra because she deserved better, and theres a l o t more because alas i was a mythology nerd but this post is long enough for me not to make this section 20 times longer sjjsjsjsjsjks

but there are a lot of slavic myths that are very cool too, though we dont know that much about them as about the greeks for example

60 - do you like poetry? what are some of your faves?

o o o o h yeah i do like poetry because to create such a beautifully sounding thing with only words someone has to be a genius

some of my favs are: some works of nakahara chuuya (thank u bsd for introducing me to this man’s beautiful imagery in his works i swear to god the descriptions do it for me) (also his poem about having hangovers is a mood like i feel you buddy), the raven by ea poe (i know everyone likes it but hOLY DAMN THE INTER/INTRAVERSE RHYMES ARE LIKE,,, BREATHTAKING) (and aso im a slut for gothic horror), and many more but also That One Poem From Welcome To Nightvale about reaching the island in the west,,, only perfect vibes from it

63 - are you fussy about your books and music? do you keep them meticulously organised or kinda leave them be?

okay heres the thing. for anyone else both my playlist library and my bookshelf would be considered pure chaos of a mad man b u t they actually have a highly focused system which means that i sort them based on their vibes, lovability and (in case of books) their age and whether or not theyre a part of a series so i would say my bookshelf is rather organised (when a quarter of it isnt occupying my desk that is) and my music is more organised than not but sometimes it gets out of control and i have to sort it entirely again

66 - what would your ideal flower crown look like?

either entirely constructed of simple white daisies, entirely constructed of only white roses, or something that probably would win a “how many different coloured flowers can one fit in a flower crown” competition

or something purple (maybe not belladonna)

83 - whats some of your favourite album art?

god i dont know if it counts but hozier’s wasteland baby is probably one of my absolute favourites and no one shall beat that

“thrifted youth” (dalynn) and “standard deviation” (danny schmidt) have very aesthetic covers too

also the iconic p!atd too weird to live, too rare to die! album cover,,, its just iconic what can i say

and last but not least matt meason’s pink-and-black album covers (though bank on the funeral is really pretty too but like,,, “who killed matt meason” d o e s it for me and so does the 2017 tribulation single)

87 - what are some movies that you think everyone should watch at least once in their lives?

this is such a hard question because im not a really cinematography-oriented gal but i suppose that (at the risk of not going deep enough into the cinema world):

- the princess bride

- inception

- night at the museum

- SPIRITED AWAY

- forrest gump

- truman show

- E.T. (i cried okay)

- the lord of the rings (because damn me if this isnt one impressive adaptation)

- parasite

and one more personal recommendation: “ready or not” with samara weaving because goddamn i dont usually watch this genre but holy s h i t is it good

93 - whats the hairstyle you wear the most?

honestly just plain hair down (because having curly hair is a menace), split in the middle when i have longer hair and split on one side when its short

also low ponytails or half-up-half-down when im exercising, or double french braids when my hair doesnt cooperate enough to look presentable in any other form

99 - list some songs that resonate with your soul whenever you hear them

this is difficult because my music taste is a goddamn rollercoaster on a good day, but heres some:

- me and the sky from “come from away” musical (this is sort of a test song for my mental stability, if i cry i aint stable)

- dancing after death by matt meason (okay most songs by matt meason except for like,,, hallucinogenics maybe)

- tears and rain by james blunt

- i will follow you into the dark by death cab for cutie

- almost home by mxmtoon

- anything by hozier really but shrike especially

- payphone, the cover by alex g (i cried to this song so many times)

- burning pile by mother mother (can i roast all my problems please)

- long way from home and cleopatra by the lumineers

- autoclave by the mountain goats

oooh that was c o o o o o o o l as fuck thank you sm so much bebe (and sorry for the long post @everyone else)

#smadhuman being pure af #bay answers #long post #very long post #ask #asks

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stray-tori · 3 years

Text

An Innocent Sin & the good gay flashback ft. my descent into madness

I wasn’t sure if I should post this but I mostly want it archived so here we go. This is from like,, September?

So. “An Innocent Sin” is a dumpster fire unlike anything I’ve ever seen. I don’t remember why I decided to read it. maybe I was crazy. Either way... I read it. It soon started to touch upon (very very outlandish) sexual abuse which I thought was interesting. (the angst, not so much some of the wack circumstances surrounding it)

ANYWAY. at some point... we have a flashback. And not just that. It has a gay character.

And it turns rly gay. which mind you, is still in a het smut manwha (that has a “gay” side couple, but still!)

And it destroyed me.

For those who want to read it because I genuinely think the flashback is a decent bit, it’s all the bonus chapters between chapter 77 and 78 I think. There’s a part before that too, but idk where exactly anymore. (It’s on lezhin! or your platform of choosing)

I don’t THINK you’ll need any other knowledge to get the flashback bit? but it’s been a while.

Below the cut (rip mobile users), you can read all of my amazing reactions (all of these were text messages, for context - but I took most of the replies and convos about other things out). Post is also tagged as long post. :))

(i’m serious, this is fucking long)

__________

Here I am. Liking the gay flashback character. Feck. Main dude is still straight but idk it's cute pff

This is a mess. The girl white hair likes, likes black hair, maybe, but thinks white hair is attractive

What just happened is sth I'd like to know too pff He's so cute tho omg. Watch me melt Can we stay in this flashback before everything got perverted af and before white hair gets assaulted all the time I would send an eyebrow emote if I could Context: he's asking he says it again

Ik it's not mutual but loookkk he's so sweet. He's kinda rude in present time, can't we stay in this flashback forever

I never asked for gay, never expected gay but I got gay

This story is trash why am I still reading it shdhhd

He caught his mom cheating. And now she's forcing him to watch??? What is thissss Well adoptive mom But still sudhdidu what Bitch how dare YOU exist

Save my babyyyy

Yay sister that's not yet a rapist to the rescueee

This flashback is actually just nicer in every way let's just stay here This is a super long flashback btw Idek anymore what triggered it

Okay I think I'm gonna make the sensible decision and let this dumpster fire rest and just go sleep

It was very wild. I kinda wanna see white hair get therapy but it has 90 chapters and I'm at like 30... So I'm very concerned this is gonna be very dragged out. Idek if it's even finished ahahsududi - but I do kinda wanna see where it goes and see more cute Noah (white hair) so. Here we are.

yeahhh like i was down for the sexual abuse angst but then the mother killed the adoptive son's mother bc the dad had a thing for her?? and it was someone a person studying with white hair knew and so he's investigating and I'm like how did this turn into a crime organisation kind of plot

hhhhhhh i... i appreciate these horny things also tackling abuse but it always kind of gives me weird vibes to have both, especially when its very horny. And when people are horny to people who've been abused. Idk but I'd assume... you might try NOT to tie them up if they're frequently bondaged during their assaults. I'm just.... disjdksdj hello?? am i weird?? why are they fine with it???

also this manwha is so wild, theres this murder mystery investigation thing and then theres just a couple doing honry stuff sprinkled in between and i'm like OKAY

they rescued a guy in their basement and he's understandably very traumatized and they're trying to question him cut to our main couple trying bondage which i still dont understand bECAUSE HE'S A RAPE VICITM WHY ARE YOU OKAY WITH THIS the ones questioning arent the main couple of course but idshkjds

like im glad he's somehow okay with all this horny stuff despite his trauma and im glad he can be happy and have a nice relationship but DO WE NEED THIS MUCH OF IT he's very cute tho

i like that even when i try other stuff lezhin recommends me it still has large amount of gay in it

[mei: i mean... that's pretty great, if you ask me]

I mean I agree, I'm enjoying the gay eheheh these tonal whiplashes there's not even that much white space between the panels fhjd nvm it just turned horny goddamn it can there be 1 chapter without fucking? okay, there were the flashbacks

WE ARE BACK IN FLASHBACKS but im not getting the gay relationship, sad

OH WAIT AM I GETTING GAY COMFORT bc thats very good too

OH NNOOO this turned sad very quickly

I'M SORRY IM SPAMMING BUT THIS IS JUST ANGSTY

I'M :((((

different species confirmed

I rly like them :((( I like the current girl too but it's just..... very horny with her. the flashbacks are nice [current tori edit: she’s very unloyal idk why i said I liked her] im weird HHHHH RIPPP

someone help him he looks so saddddd

not sure if thats the most healthy relationship but I'LL TAKE IT

AWWW black hair's mom cooks mild food for them bc Noah can't eat spicy food :((( im soft

PFFF

I LOVE THE FLASHBACKS :(((

awww

i feel like theyve done much more bonding than noah's current relationship. I mean yes I think its cute when she comforts him, too, but they rarely do anything besides be horny together

OH OH THEY'RE KISSING

best buildup, honestly

the position is hornier than I'd like later here goes hope it stays cute

D-did someone just respect the word "stop"??? I am amazed

i think you might uh. have some trauma stuff too so yknow

Dohye is a little dramatic in his reassurance but it's all rly cute so I'm :(( I like them a lot pls stay like this getting invested in flashbacks is always like: ik it wont stay but pls stay like this

hELP

chapters ending in "i wanna touch him" is never good. I'm scared. Oh okay he didnt do anything. PHEW. He's already better than the girl, can't they just end up together lmao

[Noah was jealous]

w-why do you look so evil dohye haukdhjs

oh. oh no. the horny is starting. pls dont... just be cute forever

DOHYE NO YOU WERE SO DECENT WHY ARE YOU LYING ABOUT KOREAN TRADITIONS TO GET HIM TO DO STUFF HORNY STUFF TOO NO PLS STOP I JUST- WHEEE TvT the manwha is actually less visually horny in the flashbacks but im not sure if its bc its BL which isnt rly the genre of the manwha or if its bc they're still kids basically, which... I'd respect the latter, tho I'd prefer it to be like this constantly haha

okay. he's not respecting stop anymore, but it's also more of embarrassed nature more than "no i dont want this stop" so maybe i can forgive it. Still losing points, but he hugged him and it was sweet so HHHHHHHHHHH NOT SURE HOW I SHOULD JUDGE THIS SITUATION

They [Noah’s family] forbid him to visit his friends house I AM DEVASTATED

understandable they're a rapist, a fucked up murderer mother and a father with a thing for younger women so

tho he dont know any of that but yknow he's so pretty just fucking end me on the spot

hooo

they are boyfriends and ik from the future that his sister is gonna ruin it allll she has those drugs that make visual imaginations feel like they rly happened to the person (dont know if thats real but holy fuck its terrifying) and she's used it before to say that Noah assualted her. and im pretty sure shes gonna use it again bc there was a panel of Noah remembering Dohye being uhhhh intimate with her and thats why Noah began to hate him and im so sad im not ready for it. bc he's denied it in the future and i honestly couldnt see it happening even before that or she drugged Dohye, i guess thats a possibility too

[current tori: oh girl, it’s neither and it’s wack]

which if, btich you gonna die even more enough rambling, more reading. this makes me so sad but also spicy

on the manwha note, he thinks Noah doesnt like his family bc he's adopted and doesnt feel comfy which....... fair enough i suppose. and he's so cute im gonna melt just looK AT THIS

SHUt UP, IM GONNA CRY

OH MY GODDDD he ate like ice and gum and all that, and Dohye assumed it was bc of the more spicy food and got rl worried, but he was just trying to get the smell out of his breath bc he wanted to kiss him ukhsdjs HOW CAN YOU BE SO CUTE HELLLOOOOOOOOO

look at them. LOOK AT mY BABIESSSS

how am i ever gonna care about the main couple again aww he-he wanted to go to the same highschool as him :((( im sad bc i know its not gonna happennnnnn

[mei: also at this point, you're literally never gonna care about them. i don't even know the main couple that well and i honestly don't care about them whatsoever.]

WAIT NO they're actually going to the same school awww ik it wont take long until sister fucks it up for them but for now theyre so sweet ohmygodddd

cant he move in with them, fuck his family honestly

dohye he's not a fucking pokemon iukhsdjs

oh. its. turning horny i am displeased with this development but i guess its natural for their relationship however COULD YOU DO IT AT HOME AND NOT IN SOME DUSTY SMALL ROOM how do ppl do this i like that the comments too are just "... is anyone still carng about the other girl?" sakjds

this is the best 3 panels in existence.

h-he just took your hand dohye idk what to tell you

[mei: "you blush at everything i do" god if that isn't me, idk what is]

awww its cute dohye is getting bonus points bc he invited Noah over while his mom wasnt home, they watched some sexual stuff and he DIDNT try to do anything what is this where can i get more of this

"well im not okay"

MY BABIESSSS

they still didnt do much btw they're just kinda exploring and its honestly nice TvT I dont want this to ever endddd

[Dohye sees Noah’s sister and approaches her] N O

N OOOO

this is the starttttt of something.......... TERRIBLEEEE

:((( babyyyy

I AM EMO

Noah was drugged im sure. hes having dreams and waking up in pain and the sister is asking doyhe over I DONT LIKE THISSSSSSS OH HE DECLINED

OKAY OKAY he saw him with her again but it was from behind and im not sure if it rly happened??? oh no this is terrible. Noah :((( poor child

i am so emo about this

[reminder he’s been abused TvT]

[the sister: “Don’t you want to know why?”]

i will. murder someone he called to ask her to delete his number btw what is this manwha but this is just gonna make it that more tragic when whatever happens that breaks them apart :(((

he's such a good bf but Noah just wont TELL him his side I'M SO SAD

I AM SO SAD

It cant end im actually tearing up nooo you were so cuteeee and happpyyy

[*sister is telling dohye to come to the gym hall*]

what else is she gonna do she already teared [current tori: ahem... T O R E] them apart THAT'S NOT DOYhE. THATS NEVER HIM. OH MY GOD. is it a look alike??? damn, she's dedicated to just. ruining it, huh

I’M

I’M SO SAD

now he's switching SCHOOLS NO NOOOOO how will i ever find happiness againnnn NO they're misunderstanding further they're not talking properly i mean i get it but oh my god

I'M :(((

NO NOOOO pls make up in the future at least omg he tried to clear it up tooo ahhh i dont even have hopes for them getting back together but i just i want them to clear it up im crying first manwha to make me cry and it's this dumpster fire ahaha maybe a little too bc it kinda hit a little close to home i guess but goddamnn ittttt they were so cuteee and so happy and AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

OH NO. Noahs getting drugged and assaulted. And he's realizing it happened before, he just forgot. I am. so sad it's not horny drawn either which i appreciate but MY HEART NO

N O DONT YOU DARE MAKE THIS WORSE

Im. gonna cry more

Doyhe kept an eye on him im so emo :(( but he thought he was doing well enough and gave up.... Im im so sad no i want you to make up and get back together its all just a stupid........... MEHHHH will i ever find sth like this flashback again

[mei: p-probably not, no]

i am so devasted i dont even wanna go back to the main couple just fucking. i want this relationship back :(((( but i guess the investigation might end up somewhere so hhh hhhhhhhhhhhhhh the baker manwha had a similar flashback feeling so. i just gotta find more of that haha

BUT THIS WAS SO SAD??? im so emo

[Dohye got kidnapped // the flashback commentary stops here but I think my descend into madness is pretty funny too]

OH YEAH THAT HAPPENED. THE FLASHBACK WAS SO LONG I FORGOT. NOOOO SAVE HIM. JESUS CHRIST PLS JUST ONE GOOD THING

its. actually rly smart to have another, more focused on them flashback, before the arc where he gets kidnapped by the rapist murder household so. good job. from a meta perspective but also NO but also. maybe theres hope for them making up at least after all :(((

[main couple kissing] this is. very weird now. but im glad he has someone, he deserves it but dohyeeeee

and switching to sex, YET AGAIN now i wanna see this EVEN LESS THAN I DID BEFOREEEE it's even.... a threesome now with one of the other characters why are you like this why can't you be. like in the flashback i am so upset HAHHHHH WHEEEZEEEE

I am just stop fucking jesus christ PLEASE I DONT WANNA SEE IT ANYMOREEEEE

im just stop the horny pls just tell me who that new guy is and why doyhe likes him so much

[mei: this manwha is a fucking mess but at least we got your lovely commentary out of it]

dhsuksj thanks i feel honored at least i got cute BL out of it before everything went [back] to shit

[mei: THAT TOO]

[...]

tbh im getting kinda mad about doyhe... i dont... feel like he'd just fall instantly for a guy who looks like Noah... but eh not my character

i just want closure for dohye at this point, fuck everything else ... not literally pls theres already too much of that

pls get it together for like 1 chapter is the investigation even still happening i am so confused save dohye plEASE wait what i have less than 10 episodes left Dont tell me this shit isnt even wrapped up yet

[Dohye is having a breakdown over the Noah double not coming to see him anymore]

yeah i this... doesnt feel like Dohye... at all... Even when Noah was rejecting him he was just kind of... taking it with some humor and maybe he was a little desperate and risky sometimes but... oh well... i do want him to get better but... im having a hard time believeing this development??? he never seemed overly anxious or anything. but who knows what else they did to him. Sister can still go fuck off tho

[...]

i mean. i liked the flashbacks a lot honestly??? it stayed simple and focused on the dynamics and less trying to balance smut with murder plots

[dm partner: NO THAT'S WHAT I MEAN LIKE CLEARLY THE AUTHOR CAN MAKE A GOOD STORY SO I'M JUST... CONFUSED AS TO WHY THEY DIDN'T STICK WITH SOME SOFT, FLUFFY BL ROMANCE MANWHA AND DECIDED TO MAKE WHATEVER THIS IS INSTEAD ]

okay i dont care bc dohye is currently getting assaulted nobody asked for this why i just. this is terrible. he was... so sweet. he doesnt deserve this. nobody does of course but jesus christ pls someone save him at least its not horny visually, one saving grace

ah... the assult is back to being depicted horny-ly thank you for nothing

[... removed some general confusion about the plot]

YES. SOME SHIP FOOD.

i am. suffering i mean i cant stop but GOD

okay so apparantly. the sister. has just an arsenal of people who look like other people Dohye, then Noah... and even Noah's GF??? this is ridiculous??

one good message

why

did you feel the need to add that [actual tired rage]

im gonna die this manwha is gonna kill me im laughing but im suffering oh hes arrested great and thats the end and the last update was in january of this year

why AS IN NOAH IS ARRESTED nobody who actually did anything is arrested What is this why is this AHHH I at least wanted the complete-ness of finishing this but now I'M JUST SUFFERING

[ mei: I MEAN TO BE FAIR I'D BE SUFFERING TOO BC JUST... WHAT THE FUCK I HAVE?? MANY QUESTIONS?? AND MANY CONCERNS BC THIS MANWHA IS JUST... AN EXPERIENCE ]

its an experience allright WELL

_______________

yup that’s it.

in my head, in a twist of events Dohye and Noah make up and are actual endgame. Something like that must exist out there but I won’t ask because it’d destroy the surprise and ruin the point.

That’s it.

Have a nice day.

#an innocent sin #dohye x noah #noah x dohye #long post #tori talks #tori has opinions #reactions #yes I do this often in our dms #poor mei #toriqueue

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medigocrazy-blog · 4 years

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Dexamethasone- The Wonder Drug or The Desperate Hope?

Despite all the desperate efforts to control the spread of the virus SARS-CoV2, wiz getting on nerves of us, humans, as a very, very, social ;sometimes; toxic, species

Hello, I am Arjun and this picture is not me. Its been like 6 months into this pandemic and I have been eating all this junk you can actually say that this picture is me.Gosh, I was so excited for 2020 because so many exciting things were about to happen. Elon Musk was actually going to complete that Neuralink trial thingy by the end of this year and I could finally end my never ending struggle to take care of my> oh my god> numerous organ systems? my weight ? and my metabolism? any my eyesight? and my everything? Who the h*ll does that?

But no, its just not happening guys. I am pretty sure now because 2020 is just the worst year! let us just agree to that as a starter!

Can you guys like believe that we cannot go out for window shopping anymore?

I go out to buy milk and I have to wear this Halo master chief armored suit thingy.

Ordering from Starbucks is just a pandemic and one kidney away and I certainly cannot beat the Indian summer heat.

I am desperate, I am so desperate that Baba Ramdev doing Yoga at 4:30 in the morning actually makes sense somehow.

I am so desperate that my lockdown 3 AM anthem is :

Taoism talks about how you should go with the flow so thats what I am actually doing, I am finally going with the flow,

But it feels like this flow is actually going towards a falling waterfall and we all are almost on the edge now.

The International airlines are shut down You cannot travel to Ladakh or Goa with your friends and Emiway just featured Macklemore in his song? Like seriously? He went from worshiping M&M to MM? Half a million people have died due to the Coronavirus alone

Yemen is going through a civil war and one of the worst famines in modern history.

And for some reason Delhi is getting its ego drop by a series of Earthquakes.

Well, Thank You 2020, UNESCO just declared you to be the most confused year in the history of mankind. Like seriously, please decide what you want man.

Now, lets talk medicine.

Lets talk about the scope Dexamethasone potentially has, against Covid-19,

There has been numerous claims in the recent past to have successfully found a potential cure for Covid-19, But I was like meh; BUT I am pretty excited for this one which Oxford just released a statement for I think last night maybe.

The World Health Organisation also applauded the initial results of the study.

It is really interesting, the excerpt said that they are trying to publish the data as soon as possible which basically makes it a more trustworthy of a claim.

The study was an attempt to potentially use Dexamethosone (A long acting corticosteroid which can remain in the systemic circulation for as long as 3 days) as a DOC for the Covid19.

What are Steroids?

Steroids is a group of chemical compounds with extensive properties often used as a drug of choice for many life threatening diseases.

Some steroids ( Androgenic Steroids) are activated due to stress and leads to many anabolic processes inside your body for example "Muscle building", When you are like trying to get those gains so badly in the gym, what basically happens is you are stressing your muscular cells (also injuring) as a result of resistance training and then steroids are produced as a physiological response so that more and more protein is available for the muscle to repair (btw this is the reason why some bodybuilders using anabolic steroids, end up gaining exceptional gains over years of steroid use)

Some steroids (Glucocorticoids) can strongly suppress the immune system by either suppressing certain genes in various immune cells or by blocking the important enzyme activities. These steroids can act as Anti Inflammatory too which basically means these steroids counter any inflammatory response which can be physiological or pathological. This is the reason that if a steroid taken in the early phase of the Covid-19 disease (The mild symptomatic or Asymptomatic phase) can actually suppress the immunity to a certain point that the drug itself becomes counterproductive.

Some Steroids (Mineralocorticoids) maintain the mineral balance by salt retention, etc. Lets just skip this one.

Adrenal Gland produces Steroid. Them tiny glands you can see above the kidneys.

Now the immunity suppressing nature of Dexamethasone is also the reason why it cannot be taken as a mass prophylaxis drug, unless the patient is in a state of severe immune response to the infection and requires ventilation or ICU.

The exudate formed in the lungs become an overwhelming immune response to fighting the virus and becomes fatal by causing the patient to stay in respiratory distress and finally succumbing to death.

The Trials done by the Oxford University aka RECOVERY trials, said that :

"1 death would be prevented by treatment of around 8 ventilated patients"

"around 25 patients requiring oxygen alone as of now"

*The prognosis may potentially increase as with other combinations in the future*

The study is really interesting because the study population was relatively large ( around 11,500) ; The Cohort population was around 2100 and Control was 4300 which is really exciting.

How does Dexamethasone work against SARS - CoV2?

Dexamethasone is a long acting Corticosteroid and mostly suppress the genes of immune expression

This is the Mechanism of Action of the drug if you are interested:

Dexamethosone vs The Immune System :

The goal of this drug is to just deactivate the immune system which has gone kinda crazy over this virus.

The immune system (IS) basically starts acting like its IS and terrorizes the whole body like its Iraq or Syria.

Jokes aside, This drug can really do some great damage to the hyper super- immune response which is kind of self destructive as the disease progress. Let's try to understand HOW

Only Within 6 hours of single dose of Dexamethasone:

There is a decreased availabilty of lymphocytes, eosinophils, basophils, monocytes,

These cells start redistributing and becomes less available and inactive for almost a day or two.

Also there is a decreased adhesion of these cells to blood vessel walls due to Dexamethasone, Actually the drug is not letting these immune cells to cross the wall of the vessel and go to the infection site (which is kinda cool cuz' no immune response no problem right? seriously why didnt evolution think of this?)

SECONDLY < there is a > decreased phagocytotic capacity of the immune cells so that they do not eat up the virus and form further exudates.

Finally leading to the decrease in respiratory burst (It is the area inside a phagocyte where we burn the pathogen inside the phagolysosome usually, in the case of Covid19, later explodes and kills us, Dont worry the jokes' on evolution not us )

Now the first most remarkable thing Dexamethasone does is, that, it suppresses Macrophage activity.

Which is basically blocking the Arachidonic Acid Pathway, Prostaglandins, Leukotrienes, Interleukin 1, Interleukin 6 and TNF

Explaination :

IL-1 goes to the brain and causes fever and normally increases the production of steroids by stimulating the hypothalamus, but since we are giving Dexamethasone (which is a steroid) there's something called as a negative feedback and it decreases the natural physiological production of steroid, causing the person to be severely dependent on steroids; and if the person stops taking this steroid, he can eventually die due to acute adrenal insufficiency, thats the reason why we should always taper the dose when withdrawing a steroid.

Now,

The Interleukin 6 usually activates almost all other immune system actions (Remember that respiratory burst is also decreased and hence theres no signal from the MHC I and II to activate the immune system either) but when it is suppressed by Dexamethoasone, it cannot activate the immune response like it normally would.

The second most important thing is that Dexamethasone down stimulates the cooperation between naive T cells and Interleukins

In Covid 19, Macrophage connects with the Naive T cells and there is a co-stimulation and can be two pathways. (depending on which interleukin is available for the naive T cell)

The first pathway:

In presence of Interleukin 4, these Naive T cells convert into T helper -1 cells which further increases Interleukin 4 and Interleukin 5 by positive feedback mechanism.

Finally causing the other cells of cell- mediated immunity, the "B-cells" to become active and produce antibodies which bind with the virus antigen and try to repeatedly neutralise it. (and kills us).

The Dexamethasone can potentially end all this suffering by attacking a gene known as GATA3 on the T helper 1 cell, (Remember Steroids suppress some immune genes it is just one of them) and hence GATA3 is suppressed, and therefore the chain is broken and there is no immune response ( yay, we alive now)

The second pathway :

If the naive t cell has Interleukin 12 available instead of Interleukin 4, it becomes T helper 2 cell, which produces Interleukin 2, which activates Cytotoxic T cells which produces some naughty proteins called perforins and granzymes.

These Perforin causes perforations in the infected cell and granzymes are then injected to that infected cell which makes the cell kind of commit suicide I guess ?. (and it kills us)

Dexamethasone acts on the T-bet gene on the T helper 2 cell which suppresses the further activation of immune response ( and hey we back to life again)

Now, ALL this information which just went over all of our heads is just the immune suppression of steroids, Lets not go in details with the EXTENSIVE collection of what Dexamethasone can actually achieve.

Please note the trials were done with Dexamethasone and not other corticosteroids mainly because of its wide availability, inexpensive nature, and most importantly because it is along acting Corticosteroid despite being the most potent among them

Dexamethasone also decreases inflammation

Explaination :

Our Cell membranes have a phospholipid bilayer, which is converted by PLA2( Phospholipase A2 ) enzyme to Arachidonic Acid. a) Arachidonic Acid is acted on By COXs ( Cyclooxygenases) to release PGE2F2, PGI2, Thromboxin A2 b) Arachidonic acid can be converted to Leukotrienes by LOXs (Lipooxygenase)

Dexamethasone can block the PLA2 enzyme and COX2 and COX1, by producing Lipocortin 1, and therefore there's no formation of Arachidonic Acid in the first place, and the whole inflammatory system goes down. (Kudos to the structure of Dexamethasone)

Please, keep in mind that we do need the immune and inflammatory response in the early part of the disease but as their actions overwhelm the healthy effects of the process, steroids can be used. Not too early, because it can actually worsen the disease if steroids are administered too early.

Some Side Effects which are to be kept in mind :

1. Withdrawl :

- Underlying disease which we were treating may rebound even stronger than before - Acute Adrenal Insufficiency - Pseudotumor Cerebri - Myalgias - Arthralgias - Malaise

2. Hyper use of steroid for long period :

- Fluid and electrolyte abnormalities - HTN ( more sodium retention) - Hyperglycemia ( gluconeogenesis) - Increased infection susceptibility (suppressed immune system) - Behavioral disturbances - Striae (fat redistribution)

While this is a serious concern for us as Indians, people are already stocking up Dexamethasone, price is most likely to spike up and things actually somehow do not work perfectly in India. Let's hope we learn from our mistakes in the past and just get this done and over with. PS - I will try to post more articles like this if I find something interesting regarding the pandemic. Thank you for the time. :) Feel free to contact.

Source: Dexamethasone statement by WHO

https://www.who.int/news-room/detail/16-06-2020-who-welcomes-preliminary-results-about-dexamethasone-use-in-treating-critically-ill-covid-19-patients

Oxford Recovery Trial Statement

https://www.recoverytrial.net/files/recovery_dexamethasone_statement_160620_v2final.pdf

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noonsong-ee · 4 years

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The colours of his world. Chapter One: (Heads up Auto correct in a bully on my Laptop, any spelling/Names or Grammar errors I apologise.)

“ Hey.” “ Mmm? what is it?” “ Do you…perhaps love me?” “ Huh?”

*** Tall in stature and lean in figure. A face both boyish and sexy. Well shaped lips and deep brown eyes…i was sceptical about having him as the main model for the show…but now that i see him in person he’s practically designed for it… “ How does it feel Mr. Park?” “ Itchy.” “ I meant in size.” Letting out a quiet sigh. “ Hmmm, most of it fits well, but if possible could we make the shoulders a bit looser.” He moved his shoulders up and down awkwardly. “ I was thinking the same thing actually.” scribbling down a quick note, there were more outfit adjustments then you had hoped. “ For some reason i just cant get you and Sehun’s fittings right.” Feeling somewhat dejected. “ Neh, [Y/N]…” looking up quickly. His face was suddenly far too close to yours. “ If you keep scrunching those eyebrows together it will become permanent.” Pressing a slender index finger against your brow. “ Please refrain from touching my face.” coldly slapping his hand away. “ Alright go try on the next outfit. we can only use the studio for so long, so we are short on time. I’ll have one of the other designers do the rest of fittings, i just needed to check the main outfits.” Briskly walking away as you spoke. The studio was in organised chaos, the National Korea Fashion Show was only a few months away causing stress levels to be high. As the head designer and director of the event you carried a heavy burden. Bouncing back and fourth between seventeen different models and other things, you started to lose track of what day it was. “ Noona!” Sehun fell into step beside you. “ Sehun! what did i say about walking around in the outfits so casually!” Knowing he had once again escaped the clutches of the designer assigned to him. “ I’m seriously hungry though, i may collapse at any second.” “ Collapse after you change into other clothes. There’s only an hour left, afterwards you will be able to get something to eat.” Sehun was the second main attraction of the Show, the designer i had assigned to him was extremely talented and seemed to grasp his appearance more then me. Once again i only handled the main outfits, but a part of me wonders if it would be better for the other designer to handle Sehun’s. “ Where do you want to go then?” “ Huh?” “ To eat i mean, theres a really good place about fifteen minutes away. We can have a few drinks too.” “ Ah, wait i never said i was going with-“ “ It’s decided we will go there. I’ll wait for you outside the building afterwards.” “ Wait Sehun!” But he scurried away immediately. I try to only develop professional relationships with Models, but the past few months i found myself constantly falling into Sehun’s pace. “ I guess i could use a drink or two.”

Shifting awkwardly on the authorised of the table, you weren’t sure where to look. The atmosphere was obviously uncomfortable. Why the hell did Sehun bring Mr. Park with? I know they are in the same group but…I really cant handle him…but it’s kind of strange, watching him speak with Sehun, he’s completely different…his face isn’t blank and he actually laughs quite a bit. Like a child. “ You guys are really close hey.” Sipping the cold beer, you looked at the two of them. “ We’ve been together for a long time, it’s only natural.” His face suddenly returning to the usual as he addressed you. “ Hmm, that must be nice.” You gave a small smile, ignoring his personality change. “ Aren’t you close to anyone?” Sehun tilted his head like a puppy. “ My Best Friend back home i guess, but since i came to Korea this year for the Show i don’t particularly know anyone. Plus I'm not really someone who tends to form relationships with others outside of work.” you shrugged your shoulders. “ But we are friends aren’t we?” Sehun’s words caught you off guard. “ Huh? when did we establish that?” Pressing your eyebrows together. “ Mm, well even if you don't consider me one, i consider you one and thats good enough for me.” Throwing you a childish smile. What a strange mindset… “ Sehun is like that, he can meet someone on the street for a brief moment and never see them again but still categories them as a friend.” Mr. Park chuckled at his words. “ You are the same too Chanyeol, you are really personable and people are attracted to you cause of your cheerfulness.” Huh? Are thinking of the same guy? “ Don’t you think Noona?” “ A-ah, i don’t particularly know Mr. Park that well…” “ Chanyeol.” Mr. Park narrowed his eyes slightly. “ huh?” “ It’s annoying when you adress me as that. We are the same age, and i don't particularly like formalities so stop calling me that.” “ uh…yeah…” I really can’t read him. “ But you are quite amazing Noona, everything you are doing, it seems like a lot of work. A lot of the designers respect you, though they do think you are a little cold.” “ I’ve been told that before, but it’s just my personality.” You waved the waiter over and ordered another drink. “ Im really not amazing, i’m simply doing my job. Being praised for doing something you should be doing, is empty flattery.” Your words colder then intended. “Sehun is right, you are quite amazing. Just because you are suppose to do your job, doesn’t mean someone will work hard at doing it. You work hard, but also take on other things people struggle with. It reminds me a lot of the member in EXO, they all work extremely hard and go the extra mile. Receiving praise for doing your work well, i think it’s a necessary thing.” Chanyeol, smiled which let you in disbelief. “ Anyways enough serious talk! lets drink happily!” Sehun, raising his class in excitement. He smiled at me…he’s a complete enigma to me.

#EXO Chanyeol fanfiction BTS Baekhyun Kai Sehun Chen D.O Suho Xiumin #chanyeøl #Fanfiction Baekhyun Kai Sehun Chen D.O Suho Xiumin

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darkmindsthinktwistedthoughts · 5 years

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☆First, I love you💕😘💕 I have enjoyed our friendship immensely and hope for more fun times to come. ☆Second, can I ask for Moblords Masa & Yasu shenanigans? Daily shenanigans, job shenanigans, anything. Honestly, I die laughing everytime I reread "theres a guy in the boot"🤣🤣 Happy New Year again!

Oooo something from my Moblords fic ^^ am I allowed to *squee* at this? I’m going to anyway ty so much @tarralin the car boot scene was fun to write and I hope you enjoy the second moblords when I finish writing it. In the meantime, I give you something from the dynamic duo.

---

Azuchi Corp. HQ was quiet. Well except for in the filing room where two Mob Lords were elbows deep in inadequately filed and misappropriated paperwork.

“Remind me how the Hell I always seem to end up with you?” Yasu grumbled as he turned over page after page of various reports and messages connected to Masa’s enterprises.

“Just lucky I guess.” Masa replied as he too was scanning the papers trying to figure out what in the sea of ink was supposed to go where.

“Luck doesn’t come into it.”

“Alright, Captin Buzz kill what’s wrong?” Masa put down the papers he had in his hand and looked at the fluffy haired hedgehog sitting across the table from him.

“Nothing except I have no idea how you even survive. This paperwork is horrendous. I have seen better handwriting in a hospital.” It was true. Yasu being the head of a large pharmaceutical company did see a lot of different handwriting by professional medical staff that sometimes required a translator. This ... well, this looked like it needed its own Rosetta stone.

“I was I a hurry.” Masa shrugged.

“Clearly... what the hell does this one even say?” Yasu turned over the page and held it out to Masa who leant over the table to get a better look.

“Er... you know what I have no idea.”

“You can’t even read your own handwriting?” Yasu’s eyes widened.

“Guess not. oh, no wait I know what happened.” Masa sat back down a playful smile on his face that sent a chill up Yasu’s spin. he knew that smile it was one he got every time a dumb ass idea came to his mind and he was about to do something totally stupid.

“Why do I have the feeling I’m not going to enjoy this story?” Yasu muttered as he rubbed his temples.

“Oh come on its a great story! Ok so I was trying to write this report and then my new secretary comes in and...” Masa was speaking animatedly which was something else that now annoyed Yasu. He could get that excited remembering something but he couldn’t file these damn reports properly enough to avoid us both being told to sort it out.

“Hate it!” Yasu called out cutting Masa off before he could finish anything.

“Wha-?”

“Hate it not only does it involve you it has one of your weird girl fantasies in it.” Yasu glared at Masa resembling a babysitter who was about to call Mum and Dad on the annoying child.

“Hey come on man that makes me sound like a pervert.” Masa faked being offended. It might have worked but he was still smiling.

“You are a pervert.”

“Yeah, but you don’t have to make me sound like one.”

---

Time ticked by slowly the sound of the clock on the wall filled the space. After they had made some more progress Yasu finally decided he was ready to give in to the simmering curiosity he had.

“So?”

“Mm?” Masa replied distracted by something on his phone.

“Not that I’m interested or anything but. Are you going to finish your ludicrous story or not?” Yasu spoke in his best-detached tone he could. But it failed to hide anything from his longtime friend who smiled knowingly at him.

“Thought you didn't want to hear my “perverted” tales?”

“I don’t but you started so you may as well finish.” Yasu tried to make it sound normal. It failed he knew it as soon as he registered the look in Masa’s eyes. The ‘oh I’m gonna enjoy this’ look.

“... Mmm... Nah, don’t feel like it now.” Masa wiped the smile off his face and deadpanned picking up more papers and putting away his phone.

“What?”

“Moods gone... you killed it.” He answered flatly from behind a sheet of graph paper. It was trembling. Masa could keep the laughter out of his voice but it cost him his ability to control his physical body. it was shaking with stifled giggling.

“I’m gonna kill something else in a minute.” Yasu got a bit more aggravated than he planned to be.

“You think you can reach me from ALL the way over there?” Masa threw out the customary “short” joke.

“The size your ego is. I could reach you from the moon and still do damage.” Yasu snipped back. He could take a lot of things and did, but Masa knew full well throwing out the height jokes was a sure fire way of getting him to snap.

“Oooo I’m scared.” Masa sounded even more like a child than any child that had ever said that in the history or poorly chosen last words.

“I could go and just leave the rest of this mess to you to finish you know?” Yasu moved as if to stand up and leave the room.

“NO!” Masa cried out. “Ok, ok. God, you win. Please stay. I’m not sure I’ll survive another of Yoshi’s epic lectures of time management, organisation and... what was the other thing?” Masa tilted his head to the side as he tried to recall.

“Note-taking so you don’t forget stuff.” Yasu finished what he was trying to remember for him.

“That was it! I always forget that one.” Masa slapped his hand on the table in triumph as he was reminded of the thing he had forgotten.

“This is gonna be a long night.” Yasu slumped in his chair and tried to hide behind the paperwork.

---

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asynca · 6 years

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pt.1) Dear Asy. I want to break up with my girlfriend. This is kinda a big deal obviously- she's an honestly lovely and wonderful person I've just started to realise more and more that my love for her is platonic and she deserves far more than that. Plus I'm dealing with depression and her huggy positive approach to mental illness really doesnt help me like it would for others, it just overwhelms me. My issue is that we're both in the same friendship group and I am a very quiet shy person

pt.2) I’m worried that if we break up everyone will be forced to pick sides and as she’s the mum friend and im the quiet awkward tag alone girl I’ll be instantly sided against- which I guess is understandable but would just really suck, for all of us I think. I just really want us to still be friends. I love spending time with her but I cant do couple things! and when I’m having a down day and dont want to be touched she just doesnt get it, she’ll keep grabbing at me and hugging me and I’ll

pt.3) feel horrible and fragile by the end of it. Idk, what I’m asking is if you think theres a way to break up without it becoming the worst decision I’ve made in my life, destroying friendships and making her hate me. I’m so scared to do it because I have hardcore anxiety about just about everything and I’m worried I’ll make her feel like I’ve been faking it this whole time or that I’ve been using her idk!!! But I feel like I have to tell her because its wrong not to!? Idk I need some advice!x

Ah, yes: breaking up when you have the same friends.

Honestly, all of this is something you can discuss with her. I’m not sure how mature she is - hopefully, mature enough to understand that roping other people into you break-up isn’t the best decision for anyone involved.

If she’s not listening to you about “don’t touch me when I’m not feeling great”, I’m a little worried she won’t listen to you about other things as well,

Before you break up with her - really consider if now is the best time to make this decision. When you are depressed, sometimes you can’t trust yourself to make decisions in your best interest. Furthermore, it’s some times hard to feel ‘love’ as an emotion and a feeling when you’re depression so you lack of love for her might actually be related to your mental health rather than your capacity to feel love for her at other times. This is especially noteworthy if you’re in the 3-6 month time-period of a relationship, because (to drastically simplify it) the ‘lust/love’ hormone starts to decline during this time and is usually replaced by a hormone that promotes bonding. However, the bonding hormone is a much gentler feeling than lust-love and may not be recognisable if you haven’t felt long term love before, or if you’re not feeling well in general. Most young people (and some older people!) confuse the decline of obsessive, passionate lust as a sign they don’t love the person, without recognising it’s a normal part of starting a new relationship.

Anyway, TL;DR: when you’re depressed and if you don’t have much experience in relationships, you may not really be able to tell if you’re still in love with someone or not. Sometimes - but definitely not all the time! - it can be best to wait it out, give it 1-3 months, give it until you’ve been to therapy/tried new antidepressants, etc - to make the decision so you can be sure it’s just not Sad Brain talking.

If you have decided that breaking up is the best option, and you want to do it and keep your friendship group, there are a few things you’re going to need to lump.

You will see her a lot. She may cry, she may be angry with you (whether or not she shows it, you will know it). You will need to manage your reaction to seeing this (ie, your pain/guilt) in yourself.

You will need to find a friend separate to your joint group of friends to confide in. It’s not fair to be giving your friends all this information about you and how you feel because it will affect their friendship with her. Your ex will need to agree to do the same.

Your friends will ask you questions about the break up privately and you will, for the sake of both your friendships with them, need to politely explain that it’s between you and your ex. Your ex will need to agree to do the same.

It is very, very hard to be around someone you’ve broken up with so you’re going to need to put on a very brave face and not let your friends see this. If they do, they will try and ease your (or her) pain and their own discomfort by not inviting you both to be in the same place. This leads to someone being ostracized.

If things break down between you and your ex, people will probably take sides. You may lose out (especially as you’re the person choosing to end the relationship). Accept that now, so if/when it happens, it’s not a shock.

Start reinforcing new friendships with different people in the event that your current friendship group breaksdown or moves on without you. Even if they don’t - it’s great having more friends!

If a friend comes to you with something like “I agree with you”/”I’m on your side”, you need to stop them, and say, “there’s no side to be on. we’re both sad this relationship didn’t work but have agreed to stay friends”.

In terms of how to do this:

Make a time with your partner to break up with her face-to-face. Flag that it’s going to be a very tough discussion so she has some idea what’s going to happen.

Tell her everything you told me: you care about her, you love her but you’re not in love with her, and that it’s not going to work. Say that you’d like to ease the difficult with your joint friends by agreeing to both keep them. Promise you won’t make things difficult for her by confiding in your joint friends.

If she agrees to do this, negotiate together how this will work, what you both will do if friends try to take sides even though you don’t want them to (note: you may need to organise the logistics of this this a couple of days later than breaking up with her because she may not be able to manage this straight away!), and how you will both prevent either person from being ejected from the group.

The message you need to get across to her is that you love her but can’t be in a relationship with her, you want to be friends with her, and you want the friendship group to be protected from your break-up.

She may not agree to anything and it may all fall to shit. There’s nothing much you can do about this except reassure yourself you tried, cry a lot, and then start to reinforce and spend energy on your friendships with other people.

If she does agree, the next thing you need to do is sit down with all your friends, and, together, explain that you’re breaking up but that you will go back to being friends. This should also include saying things like, “please don’t take sides”, “please understand we don’t want to spill dirt on each other”, and “please let’s just do things like we use to - if it’s awkward at first, we will manage it and it will get easier”.

Good luck. This is a really tough time for you: I hope I’ve given you some things to think about

#ask auntie asy #breakups #relationships #anonymous #askauntieasy

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simptasia · 5 years

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charlie/des for the ship meme? :)

ooooh thanks babe!

who hogs the duvet

charlie. i can see him so easily, curled up to the side in the covers

who texts/rings to check how their day is going

uhhhh desmond but i can see them both doing this. note that this was in a time when texting was less ubiquitous and lot harder on the thumbs so the texts wouldn’t happen that often. the phone calls, more-so

who’s the most creative when it comes to gifts

charlie mainly cuz i imagine des would be less creative when it comes to objects that can be owned. charlie is the wackier, more artistic of the two

who gets up first in the morning

des. charlie sleeps in and des wakes up at like 6 in the morning to work out

who suggests new things in bed

OH FUCK THATS CHARLIE charlie is such a thirsty bitch

i’ve already headcanon’d that charlie is kinky as fuck whilst des is more, well, he’s open to other people suggesting kinks and other new things (discussing it a bit then being like “all right, brutha, we’ll try it and see how it goes)

and they’re both catholic so ya know things gonna get weird

who cries at movies

charlie

i mean, they both can depending on the movie but charlie is more likely

who gives unprompted massages

nobody should give unprompted massages but charlie, probably

who fusses over the other when they’re sick

ooh both are plausible. they’d both worry about each others well being a lot. i can tell ya who’d be better at it: des. he’s spent his early life taking care of other people, his brothers, so he’d be better at practical care work, yeah?

meanwhile charlie, whilst he has a very powerful desire to care for his loved ones, is panic-y and also an idiot. so for comparison whilst des is like making soup and preparing medicine, charlie is near hyperventilating and when des tells him to do something he runs to each task like its a life or death situation

who gets jealous easiest

CHARLIE CHARLIE CHARLIE that bitch’s jealousy issues are nasty. yeah des is an insecure person too, everybody on lost is but des is normal in comparison to charlie who is so very not okay and *needs* validation and attention and love like its oxygen. and is very insecure. and this manifests as seething jealousy. the “they have a friend? that means they hate me” kinda jealousy. add the fact that desmond is clit meltingly hot, then we have an Uh Oh situation brewing

who has the most embarrassing taste in music

take a wild fucking guess

fucking moody english indie trying to be punk rock nonsense that’s trying really hard to be deep but its really just glorified shower thoughts

that’s what i think of charlie’s music and all music like it, and charlie would be into other bands that’re also into philosophical wanking on stage

who collects something unusual

pass

who takes the longest to get ready

charlie

des just puts on some clothes and finger combs his hair a bit. and he knows how to be quick at showers due to his time in the hatch. also des is so that kinda person is like, effortlessly hot. and he doesn’t even know it

charlie is the kinda guy who wears nail polish and eye liner and jewelry, of course he’s taking longer to get ready. he also wants attention and has awful self esteem so he’s not ready until he’s satisfied with his level of early 2000s bi stereotype punk grunge look that day. takes longer days where he hates how he looks no matter what he does and can’t denial himself into Manic Pride mode

fuck i can meta anything can’t i?

but yeah des is just insta hot and charlie is perfecting organized chaos

who is the most tidy and organised

in my head, im comparing their living spaces we see on the show. if i remember correctly, charlie has records lying around on his floor? but i may be wrong

i’d say they’re kinda even

who gets most excited about the holidays

oh, i can see them both enjoying that, with charlie expressing most glee (side note: he’s a december baby so theres that). christmas was a chore for desmond when he was young because 3 brothers but him and penny had lovely christmas together. and i imagine charlie had great christmas with his family too

it just feels like a nice aesthetic/mood for both of them

who is the big spoon/little spoon

theres no Rules but oof, des and charlie… really nice mental image

who gets most competitive when playing games and/or sports

charlie, the try hard

who starts the most arguments

charlie. throughout life in general, really

(i can see him being a “whats THAT supposed to mean??” kinda person)

who suggests that they buy a pet

I NEVER PICTURED THEM OWNING A PET

i dunno i dunno!!! i don’t even know what to picture!!

what couple traditions they have

???pass

what tv shows they watch together

pass, i can’t think of anything

what other couple they hang out with

well, penny and claire would be the other half of this polyam quartet

and uh. theres a lot of couples in lost. and if charlie is alive then everybody is so its really a free for all. big family

how they spend time together as a couple

- kissing, cuddling, banging

- having emotional breakdowns

- des could teach charlie how to sail

- and on the flipside, charlie can teach des an instrument

- it occurs to me that at some point they could start going to church together

- blessed be to all whom date charlie pace for the shitty poetry they’d have to endure (but lovingly, seeing charlie passionate is beautiful to des and claire)

who made the first move

i flip back and forth on that one, but i do have a preference for des being the one o start the ball rolling on this thing. not set in stone tho

who brings flowers home

aww des!!!

who is the best cook

desmond, whom i imagine is a pretty good cook. and charlie eats simple kinds of foods that anybody could get by on. many of which don’t require cooking. e.g beans on toast, noodles, tea/coffee, things you microwave, store bought desserts, yogurt. more often than not, orders a take-a-way

both of them came from poor/below average backgrounds but des has had to take care of more people growing up, whilst charlie had a more stable homelife and his dad was a butcher so i figure he was physically well cared for. and charlie’s mum comes across as really, really doting (maybe too much)

so once he grew up and lived his with brother, he was like “oh, mum used to cook all that stuff, guess we’ll just have a chinese for dinner, liam”, not in those words of course but i mean, that was the Mood. he misses banoffee pie

and des can actually make stuff that requires steps and a pre-heated oven

#lost headcanons #thanks for that!#i can just jump on that sad charlie meta at any given moment #arthurwilde

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sodoyouknowbts · 6 years

Text

Yoongi x Reader - Guardian (Seven)

Part of the ‘Souls’ Series.

Summary: Min Yoongi is a cynical guardian angel assigned to look after you.

Pairing: Yoongi x Reader (ft Hoseok)

Genre: Romance, fantasy, soul mates

Author: Pilot

Chapter Seven

Yoongi kicks a stray pebble on the path and it bounces off to the side. He pays you a glance and you’re too busy moving your arm around to notice. Your cast had been cut off today and you had spent the past twenty minutes just bending and flexing and flinging it randomly in front of Yoongi’s face.

You were resuming work the next day. In a weak attempt to send you off well and get you settled back home, he had gruffly suggested taking you for dinner. Not one to miss a free meal you had jumped at the offer, although you did re-consider as you still hadn’t spent that much one on one time with Yoongi and were still a bit bitter about the fact that he hadn't apologised for ignoring your call for help.

You stop in your tracks and quickly turn back around. You point to your left, recognising the name of the noodle place you had seen on Instagram you had wanted to try. Yoongi’s eyes move from your pointed finger, down and across to the front door, where his eyes continue to trail a long line of people standing outside waiting.

“I’m not waiting.” he states.

You look at him and do your best to negotiate but he’s not having it.

“I know another place. You shouldn’t always believe the hype.” He says, ushering you to follow him. You pout and agree to go somewhere else.

You walk alongside Yoongi, stealing glances at him every now and then. You wanted to get to know him more, but you considered if Guardians were really allowed to grow close to their assignments. If you became good friends, would that break the client/customer relationship in this voluntary opt-in Guardian service?

Yoongi holds open the door for you and lets you walk in first. You’re in a small Chinese noodle shop and the smell of chicken stock lures you in further. You see a number of small tables and on them are some piping hot dumplings. The waitress greets you both and shows you to a seat for two.

You scan the menu. Pan fried dumplings, pork mince noodles, soup and wontons... you can’t make your mind up.

“I’ll order for you, if you can’t choose.” Yoongi says. You look at him from over the menu. He’s leaning casually forward, his elbows on the table and hands clasped over each other. He moves back and brushes his fringe from his eyes. His coat is folded up and hanging over the back of the chair. He’s only wearing a black shirt and black jeans.

He signals to the waitress and orders to bowls of noodles, both different. You raise your brows at him and he quickly adds “So we can share.”

You nod, happy. You were keen to try more than one bowl of noodles and you were pretty hungry.

“So. Congratulations for having your cast off.” He starts.

“Thanks, although I wouldn't have had a cast if you had -” You begin, you couldn’t help yourself.

“I know. If I had picked up the phone we’d both be in a different situation.” he sighs, sitting back in the seat. He watches as some people get up and leave after having finished their meal. “I hadn’t received any indication that you were in danger prior to it happening. Usually I have an ability to see, some sort of internal distress system goes off from you and I can feel it, but this time I came up with nothing.”

“Distress system?” you enquire.

“Yeah, like an alert system. Guardians are alerted if their assignments are in danger or soon to be in danger. I guess my internal alarm wasn’t functioning.”

You nod. In a weird way, it made sense.

The noodles arrive and Yoongi tries to hide a smile as he observes your face light up. You clap your hands together, excited and begin to split your chopsticks.

You eat quietly and comfortably for a while. Yoongi notices you’ve gotten some sauce on the corner of your mouth. He tsks, pulling out two tissues from the tissue dispenser and he leans over the table, placing it on your mouth. It sticks there and your eyes widen at the sudden action. He scoffs, pulling a somewhat disgusted look as he sits back down.

Yoongi catches himself smiling and tries to make himself busy instead, quickly investing a heap of time and energy into inspecting the small side dish of garlic and chilli sauce sitting on the table. You dab the sauce from your mouth and think nothing more of it.

“Sung Wook, he found you and brought you to the hospital, right?”

You nod. “Yeah, initially I had thought it was you. He’s your arch nemesis right?”

“Arch nemesis?” Yoongi asks, amused. “Did Hoseok tell you that?”

You shrug not wanting to give it away but it was obvious who spilled the details. “I wouldn’t give him that much credit to call him an arch nemesis. We’re not living in an anime world.”

You roll your eyes. Yeah sure, not living in an anime world but you still have magic powers? Sure buddy. It’s basically a world in an anime now.

“Did he say anything to you?” Yoongi prods.

“Hmm? No. He was gone before I woke up and before you got there. He kind of just left me after I was admitted.”

Yoongi changes the subject.

“The car, you should probably not drive for a while.”

“Well that’s the thing.” You start, poking your chopsticks at him as you think. “I’m not a bad driver -” Yoongi scoffs. You narrow your eyes and continue. “But honestly it felt like the car had a mind of its own, I don’t even know why it ran off the road. I mean...” You pause. “I was investigating a story before that and I had noticed someone following me, like the same person. I hadn’t thought much of it at the time. But, it feels a bit weird.”

“What story are you digging up now?”

“Mmm not telling.”

Yoongi sighs. “How can I look out for you if you don't tell me? I’m not 100% sure my alert system is functioning properly.”

You pull a face. “Fine. Some of my sources have said that theres an interesting and underground lobbying party that have been conducting underhanded deals, selling women and stocks for political power.”

Yoongi crosses his arms over his chest, frowning. Sounds interesting he thinks. And dangerous for a klutz like her.

“I can see why you think the car accident is suspicious.” he pauses. “I’ll help you with this.”

You almost choke on your noodles and start to cough. “What?” you say, grabbing some water. “You want to help?”

He glares at you, annoyed.

“Since when - usually you’re too busy making fun of me to actually help me with anything.”

“Whatever. Just finish your noodles.”

You’re walking back together to your apartment. You had wanted to walk off the noodles you had eaten so instead of taking the easy route, this was how you found yourself walking side by side with Yoongi, wheeling your suitcase behind you and watching Yoongi effortlessly carry some of your other belongings home.

Hoseok had loaded your suitcase up with snacks before you had left which had meant your suitcase was more full than to begin with. Your wheel catches on a slightly unlevelled brick in the pavement and you tug at it. This causes you to trip and you stumble. Yoongi reaches his hand out and grabs you, pulling you back upright.

“Don’t hurt yourself and don’t get sick.”

You look up at him. He still has his hand on your arm and he’s looking at you with concern. You’re a little thrown by his sudden candor and Yoongi clears his throat, continuing. “It’s bothersome.” He lets go of your arm and you scoff.

You reach your apartment in no time and he helps you carry your things up to your place. You turn the lights on to your apartment and push the suitcase in, letting it scoot across the floor of your hallway freely. Yoongi watches on, amused as the suitcase zig zags and slowly comes to a halt.

He places the rest of the bags on the dining room table and bids you farewell.

“Have a good sleep. You’ve got work tomorrow.” He says and then he’s gone.

“So?” Hoseok asks, turning his head around to look at Yoongi, who has appeared in the kitchen.

“Did you apologise?” he continues.

Yoongi returns a disinterested look at Hoseok and moves over to the couch.

“Yeah I apologised.”

“Good.” Hoseok replies, happily turning his attention back to the tv.

Yoongi and Hoseok sit there for a while, watching the television. Yoongi fiddles with his phone and Hoseok pays him a sidewards glance. Yoongi leaves his phone on the table and goes to the kitchen to get a drink. Hoseok takes the liberty in updating your contact card, adding rainbows and flowers and sparkles and cakes to it.

Yoongi sits back down.

“There’s a Guardian reunion in three weeks.” Hoseok starts. “I got the invitation today. You’re coming right?”

Yoongi takes a sip of water. “Is it compulsory?”

“Hyung, you need to attend these things. At least once. You missed the past four.”

“There was a reason I skipped on those. I was busy.”

Hoseok sighs. “Come to this one. It’s expected. We’re allowed to bring one of our assignments each, the Custodian’s noted your absence at all the others. You should come.” Hoseok continues. “You should bring Y/N.”

Yoongi shrugs off the suggestion. “Why?”

“Ehhh what do you mean why?” Hoseok says, jabbing Yoongi in the side.

Yoongi ignores him.

“What’s wrong with bringing Y/N?” Hoseok pesters. “I’ve already invited her to your birthday party I’m organising next week.”

Yoongi groans in response.

“She’s weird. Clumsy. All of it. She’d probably make a mess of the Guardian reunion. Birthday party is okay but the reunion?”

“Hey give her more credit than that. And so what if she’s weird. You’re pretty weird.”

“She’s not just like normal weird.” Yoongi rebuttals. “She’s really weird.”

Hoseok pulls a face, one that Yoongi knows to read as stop trying to bullshit me, I see through you.

“If you don’t already like her now, you’ll come to like her eventually.” Hoseok teases. Yoongi doesn’t bother denying anything, instead making himself busy by looking around the apartment.

It’s much quieter now, without you here. Especially now that she’s not digging into a packet of chips. He thinks to himself. He spots a few manga books you had missed, tucked underneath the coffee table. He kicks them out with his foot and reaches over for them.

He’s about to transport himself to your apartment when he stops. What if she’s in the shower? He blushes. I’ll call her instead.

Yoongi goes to ring you, his eyes scanning over the updated contact card, courtesy of Hoseok’s earlier antics. He says nothing, instead cocking his brow at Hoseok who is feigning ignorance.

Yoongi smiles to himself and gives you a ring.

“Hey.”

“Hello?” You say, a little groggy. You were exhausted and the noodles had put you into a huge food coma. You had managed to shower, wash your face and get into your pyjamas but that was about all you had managed to do before you had KO’d on the couch.

“You left a few of your things here. I’ll be over in ten?”

“T-ten?” You blink. “Ten minutes?”

“Yeah...”

You sit up abruptly, somehow managing to knock your leg into the coffee table. You stifle a yell.

“Okay. See you in ten.” You say, your voice increasing in pitch out of sheer nervousness.

Shit. You rush over to your bedroom and pull out your BB cream. You frantically plaster it onto your face and bring out the dry shampoo you had bought on special and spray it into your hair. Whatever. You think. This is not because of him. I’m just being efficient. So I don’t have to do this tomorrow for work.

Yoongi is waiting patiently on the street outside your apartment. You open the door and he looks you up and down. You’re wearing pyjamas but your hair was neatly brushed - dare he say it, even a little curled - and he thought he could smell perfume.

“Were you still up?” he asks.

“Yeah, of course.” You say, still a bit sleepy.

He knew you hadn’t been up, you sounded like you had just woken up on the phone and judging from your attire, he could tell you had scrambled out of bed. You weren’t even wearing your coat properly. He smiles to himself just a little. He adored the effort.

Without thinking, Yoongi steps closer to you and wraps the coat around you, adjusting it carefully, pushing your hair back from under the neck of the coat. He clears his throat, realising what he’s done and steps back.

Yoongi quickly thrusts a bag of your things to you, holding it out, waiting for you to collect it from him. A little thrown by his earlier action, you slowly take the bag from him and peer inside. Your toothpaste, toothbrush, facial wash and two stray manga books.

You look up at him, he’s shoved his hands into the front pocket of his parka and the street lamp you’re standing under with him seems to give him a radiant glow.

He clears his throat.

“Well. I’ll get going. Call me if you need anything.”

You nod and he waits for you to walk back to your apartment. Once he’s sure you’re back inside, Yoongi turns on his heel and begins to walk home, to clear his mind. This was getting dangerous, especially for him.

To be continued

#min yoongi #min yoongi fanfiction #bts x reader #BTS fanfiction #BTS fanfic #suga fanfic

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aro-aizawa · 6 years

Text

okay so kind of vent post but update post too bc im kind of stressing and dealing with my stress in the only way i know how: ignoring it. so first off if i’ve promised you anything and haven’t spoken about it then i’m super sorry and either im working on it or im being way too perfectionist with it and it’s actively fighting me no matter what i do. so yeah. it’ll happen.....eventually im sorry.

second thing i want to talk about is bhaf. i’ve kind of? hit a brick wall? in writing it? like i have the entirety of usj planned, mostly all neatly organised with shiny bullet points and little sentences that i want to include. but...its just not working with me?

(also cut bc wow this went on longer than i expected oops - also to the peeps who don’t follow me because of my writing then uhh dont worry abt this i guess lmao)

its kind of feels like convincing a toddler to settle down in bed to read them a bedtime story except the toddler got hopped up on sugar earlier in the day and literally won’t sit still even for a second. so im running about the room frantically trying to catch them and put them in bed so i can read them their story and i can go to sleep.

i mean its sorta like that but not at all. what im saying is its being unimaginably difficult.

its been almost three weeks since i last added to chapter 14 and its killing me with stress. because lowkey i have a fear that if i stop updating for long periods of time that i’m going to lose most all my readers. aaaand that kind of stresses me because i don’t want to mess anything up with bhaf. its the first time i’ve had more than five people following the story so yeah i’ve kind of been working hard at it.

and when i hit a wall like this it makes me angry. because i’ve hit enough walls with projects to know that this is what makes me stop working on a project for months or rather years in my old habits (though honestly my old update schedule was one 1.5k word chapter every six months so).

one way that i usually try to get around that road block is that i work on new projects. i take an idea i have and run with it like it’s my main project. i throw myself into it and one day when i’m planning out stuff or writing for that new project, i’ll suddenly get hit with an idea for my main and jump ships again to get back to that project. and that was the plan! i was actually going to start up a new project called ad victoriam! which im super excited about!!

but the one thing that’s kind of stopping me with this plan is the fear that i mentioned before. i don’t want to lose any interest. and i dunno, it feels like the only one that truly cares for this fic is me? even if i do get a lot of comments per chapter (like theres 20 on chapter 13 that i havent replied to yet holy--) i dunno. maybe im just way too self-deprecating to really acknowledge that others care about this fic.

so im kind of in a bind. im so stressed by not updating bhaf, but ive hit a complete road block creatively. the only way to get past that road block is to do other creative stuff away from the road block. but the stress of keeping reader happy its sorta weighing on me and crushing any inspiration i have for another project.

um. i dont....have anything else to say. im not sure what im going to do now, but i think its safe to say that bhaf might be getting a little hiatus? at least until i can find a way to ease up all this stress. i have one other way in mind, but im still not 100% sold on yet i guess. but if i do that’d still mean the hiatus is there but i’d still be working on bhaf but not in any meaningful way?

okay i’ll stop being vague but im basically considering rewriting the earlier chapters. nothing big, like adding in scenes or anything, but i dunno just improving the general quality and tweaking a few things i missed, smoothing out inconsistencies of any kind. its sorta meaningless but its an old habit that i used to do when i hit a brick wall with any of my projects sometimes. i’d go back and rewrite the entirety sometimes adding in a few thousand words and generally coming out of it the better since i would be rewriting stuff that was a couple years old at that point.

but im still being hesitant to actually do that because the old projects im thinking of were all under 20k words, unpublished with maybe nine or ten chapters. all of them rushed and mostly just the barebone scraps of stories barely filled with any emotional depth or character. all of them essentially copy and pastes of each other with mild changes depending on the plot.

whereas if you compare the two? well for starters bhaf is in third person and isn’t following an oc. secondly, bhaf is published whereas my old projects were not. thirdly, i only started writing bhaf just over six months ago so even though my writing style as improved due to writing as much as i have, it hasn’t really improved enough for me to justify rewriting all 58k words of it.

so......yeah. honestly if this post makes any sense to any of you then your head is a lot less jumbled than mine is. im unintelligent and when im stressed i cant explain good.

tdlr: reached a creative block with bhaf, so its going on hiatus for until i can get past it. not sure if im going to rewrite it or work on another project.

((ALSO FUCKING SIDE NOTE: im also incredibly pissed at myself for it hitting now when the last chapter i posted had a fucking cliffhanger, the one thing that i hate with all my being when its not resolved as soon as possible. im half tempted to post this chapter at 3k words just so that i could get rid of the hiatus at cliffhanger. im so sorry guys.))

#shut up danni #bleeding hearts are fatal #long post #i wasnt going to say anything to anyone but honestly im so stressed abt it rn that i cant really think straight concerning it #and whenever i get a comment on it my stress kind of skyrockets especially when the comment is super super nice #if i decide to go the 'work on another project' route im pretty sure i'll post the first chapter when i finish it #for whatever reason i decided to start with the end of chapter two and work backwards so uh its already off to an interesting start

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modiintrainguy · 4 years

Text

Is it ADHD. What is it ADHD? What is this. What?

August 3 2020

It’s been a while as the cliché says.

I guess I’ve avoided and my heads been a whoosh and ive not been able to focus or /and I’ve felt like ive not had the time even though I obviously don’t spend all my time doing what I should be doing and not relaxing or taking time out.

Also. I’ve almost not taken the train at all since January. The train was my writing space. It used to be the place. But now im on the bus. And then of course there was lockdown for 2 months when I didn’t even go to work. And now I only go twice a week.

Let’s do some subheaders. Its 8.35 am im on the bus. Ive got about 25 minutes.

1. ADHD Coaching

So yeah ive been meaning to write a short summary each week. Then I don’t.

So lets see what I can remember from my zoom with the coach on Wednesday. It was tishabav and I thought I was fasting. I mean I was fasting and then I ate before I went to bed for obvious reasons. And then I didn’t on Thursday morning.

But what did we talk about and what conclusions did we come to?

God I need to get the notes from him. He writes down everything I say. I need to review it regularly.

So.

Er, ah yeah. I went through a list of things I sent on wasup.

a. My confusion about decision making that Friday morning when the day before I had arranged that A should bring R round to play with the girls but then thelittlun woke up at 7.30 and said she wanted to go to the beach and I was like great I’ll tell A. I knew she might not want to or be able to go cos she would need to be home by 12pm but I texted her anyway and I felt elated about going to the beach. But then she called and said she cant go to the beach and R will be very disappointed. And I got so confused and in the end I went.

And we talked about how I just looked at the negative from the decision. That I saw it was bad to go but bad to stay and go to ben shemen. But I need to be rational and realise no choice will be perfect. There will be bad and good in every choice. So u just need to decide. One or the other and accept that there are negative things in both but it doesn’t mean the other choice was right.

I had a similar feeling on Thursday when I picked up the girls from C and I had agreed to go to the center of town with A and her girls but I was “Fasting” and impulsively didn’t want o go. and then R said she wants to come to our house and the littlun wanted her to come and then I invited R and S and M and A and then I was stuck. And A came late to pick R up from C, like 10 minutes, and it was a stress. I was like come over and then inevitably I spent the journey home thinking I made a mistake and I shouldn’t have forced R to come over and I needed the space and fresh air after being at home all day. And then and then and then it was fine and R appreciated it.

Can I do it? Can I calm and see the trees from the wood?

Other things discussed:

b. The argument/discussion with thewife about what to do on the Thursday of tishabav – should the girls go to C? or come to the hospital with us. In the end we got to the right decision.

2. Work

Really really whats the stress all about. I was watching the beginning of a movie just last night with a scene showing a guy coming to work in the morning. He seemed fresh and when I was driving home I was thinking I wake up stressed.

Like there is no - this is today, im gonna try and achieve a, b and c. and then im finished. Its always like a rush to do as much on the long list as I can and then the feeling like I didn’t complete what I should and then im worried that Im late and I cant relax in the evening and then in the morning I need to get in as early as possible cos im behind.

I need realistic understanding of what I should do and when I should do it.

After my weekly with Eyal I didn’t get close to that cos I just list X, Y, X, A, B C and im left with an unrealistic list and then its like I need to try and do as much as I can but then it means I wont finish it so there will also be things I need to and should do that are still on the list and I never feel like I can relax cos im always behind.

So whats the answer. Realistic daily planning in the morning.

Can I do it? The reason I don’t is cos the planning seems to end up taking up too much time. Can I do it quickly? Can I write this blog quickly

Not really. But its essential.

3. Life

That’s the connection with the life. Like why don’t I get on top of the money? Cos it feels like it will take too long to organise?

That’s more of a part than I realise. A bigger part.

If I could relax and know I have time to do the washing up then it would be mindful like mrs says it is.

4. Work-life-balancelife

Whereive I am Im always in a rush, worried all the time when ive realised ive been doing the wrong thing the whole time so ive been wasting time and now I wont be able to get things done.

I know I cant do everything. Need to plan things.

Problem is I review the plans and realsie I didn’t get it right. And the planning takes so long and then im in a mess anyway.

Thing is I went swimming on shabat and I took 24 minutes or so to do lengths and it took me back to the SBTc times when I spent an hour swimming trying to work out how to do what needed to be done. Ive been in the same trying to work it out situation ever since apart from that break between Cr and this job.

But then did it matter? I left and I realised I was focused on some wrong things.

I need to focs on the things that need to be done.

If there are too manythen I cant do them all.

Focs sake.

5. ADHD drugs?

Get an assessment? ADHD centre in tel aviv? NShg? Fuck knows.

I guess Tuesday I make an appointment with someone.

Cos I need an assessment.

Although there is the question – if there is no physical biological evidence that shows ADHD isn’t all just a guess. So the test is do you act like X or Y. but theres no way of proving the reason you act like that is cos the way your brain is wired. Its just an assumption and a guess.

Is it true? Can it help. Will an assessment give me peace of mind. At least I can tell people I “have ADHD” – but what does it mean? What Coach says it doesn’t matter about an assessment – the fact is my brain works in a certain way. Why is interesting and can help change it or help me learn how to deal with it but really its about accepting this is how my brain works and developing ways to deal with the situations like

- Stopping me being impulsive and just doing or saying things without thinking them through (that’s hard eh)

- Trying to look at things from different perspective

Just remembered the littleuns insight when I thought this guy had bumped into me on purpose outside littlerones gan and littlun was like maybe he didn’t see you.

And today when she said I shouldn’t throw things cos someone could slip on her magnet and I could have broken something when I threw the sandals. She was right so does that mean I sohuldnt have done it. Yes. Obviously. But its so recent I can feel how I felt and it feels like the only thing to do.

So maybe nows the time to analyse that situation – when I feel the tension and urge to throw. Could I have sotpped myself. Only reason I think no is cos I didn’t have time. And I felt it was the only way to show I cant deal with the sandals. I wanted to shock littlerun into stoppeding crying. And she did but then I felt worse and had to spend a minute apologising to littlun.

So whats the answer – theres almost always a spare minute or two to calm down. Almost always.

This doesn’t mean I have 5 or 10 mins or half an hour and hour. Although maybe I do.

But don’t spend hours on the wrong thing – focus on the right thing, get it done and then bish bash bosh. Move on. Be realistic about what needs to be done, do it as quickly as possible and then I can go home and go running tonight.

Yknow dat.

Gotta try and run with headie one even if he may be an anti-Semite.

Gonna get there at 9.10. leaving at 6.20.

Zehu.

UPDATE - 6.13pm

After an entire day, and maybe a week, of avoiding the relatively simple task of writing down exactly what is going to be on each of the sites in August I took the plunge about half an hour ago and started doing fbcom and lo and behold it wasn’t just easy it felt great getting clarity.

just goes to show eh. what i know is true really is true. it’s not a big deal. calm down, get the easy stuff out the way and then concentrate on the slightly more complicated but also easy and more enjoyable part which is the planning and editing and doing what the hell i want with these sites!!

is that the truth? maybe. gotta get the bus though.

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