#three different episodes on three different trauma shit

[lassieposting]

Concept:

Post-tadpole, Tav offers to help Astarion find a way to walk in the sun again, and she starts by going to different libraries and repositories and archives around the city to look for books that might be relevant. Astarion, obviously, has to stay in the rental room with the shutters closed during the daytime, so he can't come with her.

At some point, this takes her up to the posh part of the city, where the fancy ✨ scholarly ✨ archive is. She remembers most of the walk - it's not too far from the graveyard Astarion took her to, in the neighbourhood where he once used to live.

And like, it's never actually occurred to her that he could still have Actual Blood Relatives still living? It's not a topic she's ever thought to raise with him. But she has to sign in and out of the archive, and she just happens to notice the name three or four lines above hers: an initial and a surname she recognises.

Ancunín.

The same name from Astarion's gravestone.

A parent? A sibling?

A niece or nephew Astarion has never even met?

Thus begins a secondary quest of trying to reunite a broken family. Astarion is willing enough to talk about the few memories he still has of the thirty-nine years he had with his family before turning - a drop in the ocean compared to the 200 years spent suffering under Cazador - but he shuts down when she nudges him towards the likelihood that Mr & Mrs Ancunín are still alive. He retreats back behind the selfish, catty survivalist he was when she first met him and claims he has no interest in ever reconnecting. The pain in every clipped syllable says drop it, so she does.

But then he asks her, very quietly, several days later, what the initial was. He doesn't really react when she tells him - there's no obvious recognition, and he doesn't ask any follow-up questions or try to discuss it further. He just goes back to his book. She watches him out of the corner of her eye though, as she skim-reads her own giant tome of magical artifacts. A very long time goes by before she sees him turn a page.

For a good long while, the family issue gets put firmly on the back burner. They have other shit going on. Sometimes, it's following promising leads on a possible workaround for Astarion's sunlight allergy. Other times, it's the kind of ugly, ragged-edged breakdown that so often follows a period of relative safety and stability after a major trauma. He's been running in survival mode for two centuries, and now he's finally starting to feel secure enough for the rest of his mind to come back online, and all the trauma he couldn't handle at the time, all the pain and fear and tangled emotions survival mode was protecting him from, is catching up to him. During those sporadic episodes, trying to keep him from falling apart is her top priority and, well, time gets away from them and by the time he brings up his parents again, months or more have gone by, and they have a fairly good idea of what artifact of daywalking they need to find.

By the time it comes to actually meeting with them, still more months have passed, and they have already found it.

It's horrible, and heartwarming, and heartbreaking, and healing, and hurting, and so many other conflicting things that for a while - a long while - Tav doesn't know whether she actually did the right thing encouraging him to reach out to long-lost loved ones. It's a mess of moments that makes her heart ache for a dozen reasons. She finds out that Astarion looks most like his mother, but has his father's nose. She holds him for hours while he shakes and sobs into her shoulder because they never even left the city, they were here the whole time, and they never found him - and he's so angry and full of grief he doesn't know what to do with himself. She accompanies him to the home he was raised in, and the once-familiar surroundings jog memories he thought lost for good - he's glassy-eyed, recounting them to her, but she's fairly sure it's the good kind of glassy-eyed, so she doesn't mention it. She tries to make conversation at family dinner while he stares at his hands in his lap, dissociated, looking even more uncomfortable than she feels, utterly lost in a world that once fit him like a glove. There are a lot of feelings to try and mediate. They are all hurt, all damaged, all afraid, all looking for the ghost of a loved one in the face of a stranger.

But, eventually, there is a day where she overhears Astarion having a conversation with his father, and he sounds like himself - not the persona he puts on in public - and his father laughs at something he says in a way that's entertained rather than awkward. There is a day where his mother reaches out and he doesn't shake his head or step away - he lets her hug him goodbye. They have not slipped back into the graves they crawled out of in each other's lives - they are all very different people now - but they are learning new ways to fit together, and he seems to be pleased about it.

So she thinks, yeah, it was worth it.

#bg3 #bg3 headcanons #astarion x tav #tavstarion #tav #so i saw a post mentioning that astarion's family could still be alive bc elves #and now i have Feelings #so!!!!! yells screams flings this into the void #also pry astarion having to start processing what hes been through once he's safe from my cold dead hands #also his poor folks lmao #his mother telling him that someone desecrated his grave not long after he died by digging it up #and then again recently by defacing it #and hes just 'actually both of those were me' #astarion ancunin

[zivazivc]

Sorry if this has already been asked before but why did the band break up? And did they break up on decent terms? Do they still talk to each other sometime?

It has been asked before, I just never answered jshfbdjcbh I'm still piecing everything together and stuff is changing or getting tweaked all the time, so I'm always super hesitant about answering these types of questions, afraid that people will take whatever I say as the final answer. So basically what I'm going to answer now will already contradict what I told some people already. And maybe in the future the story might go a little differently too (although I'm pretty satisfied with the current events)

Uhhh, get ready for a long info dump. I didn't expect I'd write this much...

Floyd basically stayed with the band for 8 years (from 14 till 22) and got pretty messed up in the process. The rest of the guys are all quite older than him so I guess I could say they were more responsible, or at least had a better understanding of their own limits (also they grew up in this kind of environment or grew up aware of it, while Floyd was oblivious and naive about all of it) and while they do get drunk and do drugs often, none of them are really dependent on them. They are also pretty good judges of character and know how to avoid trouble. Floyd on the other hand drove in with no breaks and constantly got himself in trouble that the rest (mostly Les) had to drag him out of. He also developed bipolar during this time (in my story Floyd constantly fluctuates between being saturated and being desaturated because of this) and his manic and depressive episodes started getting out of hand after his teenage years. (None of them are aware it's a mental disorder that's making him act so out of character.)

Floyd was becoming miserable because of this and all of his problems pilling up, and started blaming Les for the way he was. Les never argued this which only fueled Floyd to blame him more. In the end he was getting so frustrated and irritable that Floyd constantly tried starting arguments with him, even putting him down and getting aggressive at times because Les gets very unresponsive and closed off during personal conversations (guy is a giant onion of suppressed trauma that Floyd is hellbent on peeling open).

Eventually there was one fight too many, terrible things were said, some objects flew through the air, and Floyd walked out (or Hed kicked him out, I haven't decided yet) with the promise of going home and never seeing them again.

So, yeah, it was very messy and Floyd was the primary asshole, even though he's not really to blame either...

But Floyd didn't make it home (was too scared to sneak through Bergen Town to get to the tree (i don't think i can judge him for that either)) and he just returned to the reckless lifestyle, this time without anyone being there to keep him safe. So if he was messed up before, this is the time period where he got absolutely fucked up. This is also when he got heavily addicted to sour worms. And when he chronically slept around (half the time just to get offered free worms or have somewhere to sleep, other times because he was having manic episodes and was feeling hypersexual). (This is also potentially the period when he had the two eggs with that techno troll, but I'm still thinking if I want that to be canon to the story or not.) During this time he also grew to become very anxious and his self-confidence went to shit when he was being himself.

Then after about three years of that, he bumped into Les at some party. He wanted to dodge him out of shame but Les grabbed his arm and manhandled him outside to talk. Floyd felt like shit about the way they had split up and tried apologizing for all the stuff he had said and done to Les, but Les wasn't having any of that because he wasn't angry at Floyd, he was just worried about him. Les is also insanely empathetic like Floyd, and he knew that Floyd never really meant any of it, and that he was just looking for an outlet when he was hurting. Also he does think he is to blame for the way Floyd ended up.

Les wanted to know why he didn't go home like he had said (because that was the only reason Les had even let him walk out in the first place). A few exchanged words later and Floyd broke down telling him all the awful things he'd done, and Les promised to help him, feeling insanely guilty. Floyd wondered if he was allowed back in the band but Les made it clear that the band wasn't good for him and that he was never taking him back. Instead Les helped him go though rehab. I don't think trolls have those institutions (or at least not many are aware of them or how they work (I'm sorry but I refuse to believe the Trolls world has internet and cellphones, Mountrageons can keep that for themselves lol)), so it was more or less just Les finding Floyd a job and his own place to stay in the middle of bumfuck nowhere where he had no option but to detox, and constantly checking up on him to make sure he was doing okay. During this time they grew pretty close again. Or maybe the better term would be that Les slowly started putting his walls down again.

Hed needed a while to warm up to Floyd again. He's almost as protective of Les as Les is of him, and he resented Floyd for the way he had treated him.

Flea is pretty phlegmatic when it comes to any sort of arguing or drama. He was casual about seeing Floyd again, they were never super close anyway.

And Liv, she left the band when she and Hed broke up (haven't decided if that happened before or after Floyd left), so Floyd didn't get to see her again after bumping into Les at the party. And I haven't thought yet if they'd ever meet again somewhere later in life. But if they did, I think they'd both be happy to see each other.

Anyway...

Floyd managed to detox and successfully kept the job for about a year, but then he became manic again and messed it all up. After that he returned to his nomadic lifestyle, but he never fell as hard as those three years again. In my story Floyd's life is a constant cycle of getting his life together and fucking it up and booking to the next place. And he and Les are trapped in a never-ending cat and mouse game where they're both trying to fix each other.

So, uh, Les and Floyd are still very close and see each other somewhat often...

(sometimes monthly, sometimes yearly)

Yeah...

I am so fucking obsessed with them I'm gonna hurl. Please take this song before I combust:

#btw the status of Floyd's and Les's relationship is forever set on 'complicated' #but they are as obsessed with each other as i am obsessed with them #the song is too soft and vulnerable to be something les would sing out loud but inside he does feel it #papa roach is nu metal btw. tho idk where this song stands exactly #trolls #dreamworks trolls #ex bandmates #trolls floyd #trolls oc #les #answered #my art #btw I am only self educated on the bipolar disorder from what i've read and watched on the internet so have that in mind #my intention is to be respectful but i might not understand all of it. especially not the personal experience of those who have it #i'm just some random nerd #so in a way you could say floyd was diagnosed by a nonprofessional lol #i stayed up until 3am last night writing this #today i made the sketch that is no longer a sketch #should i put this post under a cut? it is pretty long #long post

[disruptivevoib]

Long Ramble about CCCC and my overall feelings on what the album means and such

Something I find important about CCCC is like.

The fact that all three of them are, in some way, trying.

Heart is emotion, he is prone to himself and being reactionary, in the moment. Prone to the past of learned behavior and trauma. Reactive and rapidly changing. He isn't going to make pure sense because he isn't based in logic or in societal ideals or views. He is an instinctual response to the environment and circumstances. His manipulation is not intentional. He has very little control of himself in the end. Its why Mind talks about claiming to relish entropy yet clearly needing help. But, Heart in earnest wants them to be okay and safe. He believes that Mind's control will drain the life from them. It will make things monotonous and the same. Too much order.

Mind in turn, believes Heart is manipulative with intention. He wants to control Soul or wants to just drag them all down with him into this depressive state. Mind is logic, he is the reasoning out of your emotional instinct. Your inner critique, and when unchecked, that inner critique goes from a guiding hand for your emotion to one that debates and bullies it. Invalidating its responses. Ultimately, though. Mind just believes he is helping. He is doing what must be done and telling the "hard truths" to Heart. And that Heart is being the petty child. Which- I mean. Sort of sure. But Mind is definitely fucking petty and childish. He's stubborn! Prideful! So ofc he is. Admitting you're wrong? No.. why would he EVER do that.. nuh uh.

Which is what makes Light so crucial. Mind asking Heart for help- but also. There is Soul.

Who while ambiguous in purpose, is mostly that background voice. Your inner narration. If Mind is Logic and Reason then Heart is Emotion and Instinct,, Soul is all that lives between it. And he is constantly silenced or spoken over or around. He does not get a word in edgewise until TSE. He may show up in the background occasionally but as much as Heart and Mind claim to want to keep him alive and help him, they also fail to actually acknowledge what he says.

Which is that they both are right and wrong. That this fighting is doing directly what they both feared it would. Soul is desperate by the end. He is angry and resentful because.. well. Self hatred due to intense self awareness and reflection is rather ig. Common. Im not a professional here but from personal experience, you get so tired of rehashing the same shit with yourself over and over. It all feels pointless.

The only out, by the end of it all to Soul is that if they cannot be Whole, whats the point? He is desperate. He does not want to die but he feels theres no other solution.

And. About Whole, Soul throughout the album seems to want that. At the beginning, to be Whole or Harmonious is to be mentally healthy, maybe even "normal" by society's standards. To be able to put a mask over your problems and be, again, "normal". It takes the entire album for Soul to realize that this:

1. isnt possible

And

2. There isn't anything evil or wrong with him for that.

Mental health is a struggle. But you are not evil and should not be othered because you struggle. You also do not need to be fixed for being a little different and people's opinion of you is not what matters most so long as you are happy (and not hurting others. Lol).

Thats what Two Wuv is entirely about as a song. Its a "fuck you. Fuck this! I thought I needed to be this! But I DON'T. Stop telling me who I am! How to be! I'm gonna be me!"

His entire arc is parallel to Heart and Mind's and is crucial in the culmination of becoming yourself again and accepting yourself.

But, as mental health will always be, this period of respite and self acceptance is not always forever. And as life continues or as you lapse back into a depressive episode.. you cannot help but forget what it is like when you're not this way- and hell! Vice versa too! Some people have this disconnect between the periods. Where the things from the depressive state seem dramatic or obtuse to you while you are doing better. And from the other end, you just want to be happy again.. but you get so lost in it all you can struggle to feel like you've ever been happy.

The album is about the human experience. It is about self-sabotage, mental illness, self-hatred and reflection and it is, maybe more importantly about self-acceptance and healing. Having a bit of mercy on yourself. Accepting that you are imperfect and that this is okay. And whatever flaws you may have that need to be mended or worked on, can be. And that who you are, for example, if you are queer, is okay. And no one has the right to take that identity from you! That the internalized ideas of how someone should be are not always correct or right. Not for you, at least. Stuff like that.

#chonnys charming chaos compendium #chonny jash #voidthoughts #i know the album is interpretive!! but i also think it is crucial that we dont pin any one of them down as villains or anything #that like while hms are all flawed and cruel to one another they ultimately are also victims of themselves its #its the like culprit and victim motif #the “you're doing this to yourself and you shouldn't feel you have to do that” #internal communication with yourself. learning kindness and humility and whatnot is very important!! #thats all

[konggodzuko]

A Little Salt

Man I totally thought the "Katara only talks about her dead mom" meme/"joke"/complaint was finally withering away after it sprung back to life with ATLA being put on Netflix but holy shit I keep seeing people post it seemingly without irony.

You wanna know how many time Katara actually talks (i.e. excluding phrases like "My mother's necklace!") about Kya? Six times. Three in the first season (Once in the first episode when she mentions it to Aang. Once to Haru, Once to Jet) Twice in Book 2 (in the swamp where she SEES her mom, and once to Zuko in Crossroads) and then there's the Book 3 episode about her loss.

Damn. Six times over a 60-ish (depending on how you count the multi-parters) series. Average of ONCE every ten episodes, but really it's 3 in the first season, 2 in the second, 1 in the third. Wow yeah she really talks about her dead mom a lot. How dare this teenaged girl who saw her mom seconds before her death and then saw her mom's CORPSE bring up her mom 6 times over the course of in-universe MONTHS.

And not only that but she NEVER brings it up in a way to invalidate someone's loss. She brings it up as a commonality between her and Jet and Haru, she was forced to see the vision of her mom in the Swamp, and she says it to Zuko both times as an expression of anger she has with the Fire Nation.

Nevermind that Aang probably brings up the Monks as much or more often. But you don't see posts like

Sokka: [spits into a bush]

Aang: The Monks used to say that spitting into a bush is very spiritually harmful!

Because that's kinda stupid and frankly you know why Aang has that attachment, yeah? So why is Katara different? "Oh she was mean to Sokka that one time-" get OVER it. She's a 15 year old dealing with immense trauma who said something hurtful. Wow! Stop the presses and call the cops and send her to jail forever! Grow up.

I'm sorry, I don't like to rant like this but I am so tired of this stupid thing sticking around for so long.

#avatar #atla #Katara #zutara #because I know my ZKs got me on this

[forgotn1]

I've been watching the Expanse for the first time over the last couple of weeks. Just finished episode three of season six and holy shit, it's so good. Easily one of the best sci-fi series ever produced. I'm just disappointed they didn't do the last three books and truncated the sixth season. One of this show's strengths was its pacing and how it was able to tell a compelling story while also doing incredibly deep and brilliant worldbuilding.

The Belter society is amazing, especially the Belter Creole they speak. Which was invented and fleshed out specifically for this show. I love how it parallels the poor and working class here in our world and the exploitation they face. It's brilliant how they give us so many different versions of what their fight for recognition and independence looks like, each with its own unique benefits and flaws.

I think Camina Drummer is my favorite character. I love her strength and fierce loyalty. Her and Naomi definitely dated while she was on the Behemoth. Amos is another fave. I get really strong autistic vibes from him, but a lot of it could also be how he deals with the immense trauma from his childhood. Which is also one of the most interesting and heartbreaking backstories in the show.

There's so much more I could get into to that makes it so great. Like everything that is Chrisjen Avasarala. Or Bobbie's escape on Earth and how it showed Earth wasn't all rich people day drinking. Or the freaking protomolecule! But I think I've rambled enough. lol

#the expanse #belter #belter society #belter creole #camina drummer #naomi nagata #james holden #amos burton #alex kamal #chrisjen avasarala #bobbie draper #joe miller #I think I'm gonna get the book series #I want to know how it all ends #even if camina drummer isn't in them

[tightjeansjavi]

Burning in a Hopeless Dream

Boston QZ : Part 9 ‘Rescue’

A/N: this was an extremely difficult chapter to write. So much happens and I want you to all please take care of yourself after reading. If it becomes too much, if you feel like you need to step away, please do not hesitate. Your mental health comes first. ♡

Summary: You and Joel find a middle ground after his PTSD episode from the night before. It’s Spring now, and you’re finally ready to get in on the action. Joel and Tess have trained you well. Uprisings of violence have left the three of you no choice but to leave the QZ. You plan to meet with another group at an abandon bookstore to plan your escape. Upon your arrival, you realize that someone has set you up. 6 against 3. What a slim chance of survival.

~word count : 8.7k~

Warnings: age gap (m/c is 28) graphic, detailed descriptions of violence. Shoot out. Guns/knives, knife wounds, graphic descriptions of blood. Agony, unrequited love, pining, angst, confession of feelings, trauma, feelings of guilt, child loss, swearing, anger, soft ! Joel, violent ! Joel, literally this is just one cluster fuck of emotions. This is not for sensitive viewers. (+18) MINORS DNI !

Songs for this chapter:

“Rescue” by Lauren Daigle

“Shrike” by Hozier

“Sign of the Times” By Harry Styles

“evermore” By Taylor Swift

“Particles” By Nothing But Thieves

“Lift me Up” By Rihanna

“Turning Page” By Sleeping At Last”

___________________

December 25th 2020 : Boston QZ

~Joel Miller’s POV~

Joel didn’t like to believe that he was born with a violent heart. Joel liked to believe that he was still a good person, deep down. Before the world had gone to shit, before the cordyceps, before the government murdered his baby girl in his arms, before all of that. Joel Miller was a gentle, protective and caring father. Becoming a father was Joel’s proudest moment. Being a good dad was tough, sure but Joel did everything for his baby girl. It was all for her.

Joel believed that his violent heart was a result in the world as he knew it, ending. When Sarah died, all he could think about was revenge and he meant it when he told you last night, in his fury, that he was a murderer, a cold blooded killer. That’s what he was. He went to bed with the knowledge of his past, and the consequences of his actions. He lived in it every single fucking day.

Last night should have gone differently. He thought to himself. It was early in the morning. He hadn’t gotten much sleep after he stormed off. He stared at the wall, recounting his dead daughter's screams, for hours. He recounted the fear in your eyes when he snapped at you. The way you flinched when he threw the glass at the wall. How you cowered away into the comfort of the couch, like a frightened animal. Despite his violent outburst, you still tried to comfort him, to bring him down. You were so fucking gentle with him. Even after he had let his rage out on you, your only goal was to get your Joel back. He couldn’t understand why you allowed yourself to stay so calm, to comfort him after he had treated you so poorly? After he had projected his years of pent up pain, agony and grief onto you, you still showed him kindness. Joel felt that he didn’t deserve that from you. He felt that he didn’t deserve you at all.

He swore he could still feel the caress of your palm against his face, the way your eyes frantically searched his, looking for anything you could find in his darkened pupils. He subconsciously found himself brushing his fingers against his beard then. You were too fucking good for him, too good for this fucked up world.

He had left his bedroom around 2 in the morning after he had calmed down, his footsteps were quiet as he padded down the hall to your curled up form on the couch. He wanted to make sure you got a decent night's sleep, it was the least he could do after what had happened. Joel had leaned down then, gently bringing his arms around you and lifted you up, bridal style from the couch, cradling you against his chest as he quietly carried you to your room. He watched you with soft eyes as you subconsciously turned your cheek against his chest, right against his heart. You looked so peaceful in your sleep. He quietly pushed your door open with his hip bringing you to your bed and gently set you down. He grabbed the quilt at the end of the bed and draped it across your small frame. Joel had leaned down, brushing a few strands of hair from your face and left a ghost of a kiss against your forehead, his eyes closing for a moment before he pulled away.

“I’m sorry, Gwen. I’m so sorry.” He whispered to himself as he looked down at you. A moment later, he had turned on his heel and willed himself to leave your room. He wanted to lay there with you, hold you close to his chest and apologize for his actions. You needed sleep, and he intended to give that to you. Joel for the first time, was actively putting your feelings above his own. He was trying to make that effort. It was the bare minimum but you deserved it. You deserved so much more than he felt that he could give you.

After he had left your room and returned to his own, and when he could no longer hear his daughter's screams ringing in his ears, Joel thought about you. His thoughts were constantly drifting to you and he wasn’t even trying to deny it anymore. What was there to deny? He had a soft spot for you. He wanted to be as close as he physically could be to you. He wanted to know everything about you. He was the flame from a lit match and you were the oxygen, keeping that flame alive. Last night was the first time you had ever truly opened up to him, and he fucking blew it. You had put your trust so deeply into him and he so easily lost sight of what truly mattered most. Last night Joel realized that you weren’t always so tough, so sure of yourself.

Last night, Joel saw a different side of you. The vulnerable, caring, and fragile side of you. You were a complex person, he realized. A complex person with deeply rooted emotions. You loved deep dish pizza and that stupid fucking Chicago Bean. You had a horse named Honey that was a Palomino, with the softest dappling, and you were the best of friends. Honey was violently murdered by raiders one winter, you were sixteen. You had the sweetest laugh that could make even the coldest man smile. You were a bubbly drunk, and ballsy wrapped up in one. You were affectionate towards those you cared about the most, and you cared so deeply for them. You held his face in your hands even when he turned violent and screamed and threw glasses at the wall and screamed some more.

These were just a handful of the things Joel recounted from last night. He could replay the entire sequence over and over in his head. All the way up to the moment where he snapped. The switch was flipped and he wished that you never had to see him that way. As he sat there in his solitude, he thought about how easy it would be for him to shut himself off from you again. To turn a cold shoulder, to make you feel as if you meant nothing to him. How easy it would be for him to push you so far away, so cruelly, you would never try to be close to him again. If Sarah was here, she’d be telling him off. “Why would you go and do that, dad?” He could hear her voice now. “Dad, I love you, but you’re an idiot. Don’t mess this up! She’s a good one. She makes you laugh, you smile the most when you’re around her.” He found himself turning his head to the side then, looking at the empty spot on the end of his bed and he imagined his little girl now. He found himself outstretching his hand and brushed it through the thin air, his face falling when he realized she was never really there, and he had just pictured her memory in his mind. He clutched the air in a tight fist before slowly bringing his hand down to rest along the rustled covers. He was trembling. “I’m not gonna let you down, baby girl. Okay? I–promise. I’ll fix this. I will. I–love you so much.” His tone was hushed and his voice had cracked towards the end.

He had sat there, staring at the empty space on his bed for what felt like hours before his senses returned. He knew then that he couldn’t push you away again. Things had gotten too personal. His walls had come tumbling down with yours in a deafening crescendo. Shutting you out permanently would in turn, tear him up inside. With his daughter’s words fresh on his mind, he knew that he had to fix this. Apologize, make it up to you somehow. If you needed space from him, he would give it to you. If you wanted to scream at him, cry in his arms, punch the wall, he would let you and in return, he would be there for you in any possible fucking way he could. However you would have him, he’d be there; indefinitely.

Joel had no plan of action whatsoever. He had no clue how you would react to him whenever you would wake up. It made him nervous. Nervous over the fact that the sheer chance that you wouldn’t ever forgive him was a real possibility. You were the most understanding individual that he had ever met but like himself, everyone including you, had their breaking point. It was inevitable to not have one and he hoped, prayed that you hadn’t hit yours.

He did what any normal, with a hint of insanity, person would do. He busied himself while you rested. He forced himself to leave his room, he checked his appearance in the cracked mirror in his bathroom, at least 100 times. Fixing his hair, splashing ice cold water in his face to calm his nerves. He was careful to be quiet despite how creaky the old floorboards were. The last thing he wanted to do was wake you. When he had come upon the shattered glass all along the floor against the back wall, he imagined the fear in your eyes again. The way you flinched and cowered away from him. He didn’t want you to wake up and be instantly reminded of his violence so he sank down to his knees, and started to pick the larger shards of glass up, carefully. He had cut his fingers a few times on some jagged pieces but he didn’t care. Minimal cuts held no power over him. The rest he picked up with an old newspaper page. When he deemed that the majority of the glass was picked up, he moved onto the next task.

He fluffed up the pillows on the couch as best he could. He then refolded the thick quilt he had draped around you hours ago, It faintly smelled of you. When he found the book you had been reading still on the floor, he bent down and picked it up. You had dog-eared the page you had left off on so he was easily able to flip to it. He skimmed over the words from the passage and it then dawned upon him, you had nearly been crying because of this damn book. This damn Heathcliff being a total jackass–who the hell talks to someone on their deathbed like that? He closed the page then and set it down on the coffee table. He moved into the kitchen then, grabbing the half bottle of whiskey and tucking it back into the cabinet. You could hold your liquor decently well, but he enjoyed seeing you get all flushed in the face, and fucking giggly. You were an adorable drunk. You looked so pretty with your lips wrapped around the rim of the glass– “focus Joel.” he said to himself. Now was not the time to allow his head to go to the gutter, no matter how easy it was to end up there. He put away the stray mugs and any other clutter found on the surface of the counter. When he was finished, he started the kettle so he could make you a cup of tea. He knew that could bring you a small bit of comfort at least.

He moved back to the couch and sank down. His curiosity surrounding the book you were reading got the best of him. He grabbed it from the coffee table and flipped back to the first page. He wasn’t a super big reader by any means, he had no reason to be. However, this was the only way he could pass the time till you would wake up. He quickly found himself immersed in the story of Catherine and Heathcliff, just like you had. Joel almost hadn’t heard the creaking of your door, or the soft sound of your footsteps padding down the hall but when he did, he shut the book quickly, tossing it on the coffee table as he sat up. Your footsteps were quiet, hesitant in a sense from how careful you were treading. His heart sank a little but he refused to lose all hope just yet.

When you had come into his view, the first thing he noticed was how exhausted you looked. He knew he was the cause of it. He took notice of how your arms were crossed over your chest. Most likely from the chill in the apartment but it made his heart sink further in his gut. What really did him in was how you averted your eyes completely from his. As if you were afraid that by just looking at him, you would set him off again. Joel knew then that how he acted last night, had severe consequences. He had emotionally damaged you.

He broke the tension then. “ ‘Mornin.” he rasped out, fiddling with his fingers as he waited for your response.

He was met with silence.

“I uh–I made you some tea. It’s on the stove, I can get it for ya if you’d like.”

He was already up from his spot on the couch then, quickly walking into the kitchen area and grabbed your favorite mug and one of the last tea bags from Frank. He poured the hot water in before steeping the tea bag. You hadn’t moved from your spot in the middle of the room. This worried him immensely.

He brought the mug over to you then, hesitantly. He stopped a few inches in front of you as he held it out to you, waiting for you to grab it.

You had slowly looked up at him then, reaching for the mug and clutched it to your chest, the warmth settled into you, but your blood still ran cold.

“Gwen–” He was cut off by you.

“Why are you doing this, Joel?” Your tone was barely above a whisper and your eyes were looking anywhere but at his.

“Gwen, what are you talking about? I just wanted to make you a cup of tea–”

“No, Joel. You know that’s not what I meant. Why do you care? Why are you suddenly being nice to me?”

He looked at you then, finding it hard to find his words in the moment so when he didn’t answer, you continued.

“I can’t–I can’t keep doing this Joel. If you’re gonna push me away, just fuckin do it. You don’t have to stand there and pretend like you care about me. I know I overstepped last night, and I'm sorry for what I did. Just save me the pain and just say whatever it is you're going to say. Rip the bandaid off, Joel. Go on, I can handle it.”

He took a deep breath then, running his fingers through his hair momentarily. He expected you to be upset with him, you had every right to be. What he didn’t expect was how you were going to deliver this painful blow to him and now his hope was beginning to dwindle.

“Gwen, I have no intentions of pushin you away like that.”

“Bullshit.” Your words stung. You were waiting for him to yell, to snap on you again but it never came.

Joel had reached out and gently grasped your shoulders in his warm, calloused hands. You had flinched from the sudden contact but didn’t move away from his touch.

“Gwen, I swear on my daughter’s grave that I ain’t gonna push you away. Doll, look at me, please?” He was nearly begging you now. “I’m so sorry for how I treated you last night. You didn’t know about Sarah. It wasn’t your fault and you didn’t deserve to deal with me like that.”

He watched as you slowly looked up at him, fresh tears threatening to spill over because you were just exhausted. Joel, and whatever it was that was going on between you, whether it be a friendship or something more, exhausted you to the bone. You knew deep down that Joel was more than a friend, Joel meant more to you than he would ever know.

“Then why did you leave me? I-I was there for you. I held you. I comforted you, and then you up and fucking left.” You pushed his hands off your shoulders then, taking a step back.

“Baby, please just let me–”

“No, Joel. Stop it. Please stop it! I’m begging you. I’m not your baby, Joel. I’m not your doll. I’m nothing to you. Please stop messing with my emotions. You’ve already taken so much from me and now? It feels like a slap to my fucking face.”

He watched as you backed away from him, creating a distance and he was afraid that this was you leaving him. You had enough and last night was your breaking point.

“Gwen, Please. Just listen to what I have to say. All of it, Okay? If you decide after that you don’t wanna trust me, that you don’t think I care about ya, then i’ll let you go, okay?” I left you last night because it was too fucking much for me to handle. I had screamed at you, thrown glasses at the wall, made you feel like a trapped fuckin animal and you still held me. It–it confused the fuck out of me. I know it sounds like some lousy excuse, but I didn’t know what else to do Gwen. I didn’t want to leave you there like that. Not after what I just put you through.” He took a small step towards you then, his eyes trained on yours, pleading with you to believe him.

“I didn’t fuckin sleep last night because I just felt so guilty and if I could take back what had happened, I would. In a fuckin heart beat, I would have.”

The realization dawned upon you that Joel had carried you to bed sometime last night. You were half awake, still buzzed but you remember his familiar scent, his warm chest, his steady heart beat. You faintly heard his voice, felt his lips against the skin on your forehead. “You carried me to bed. Didn’t you?”

“I did. When I found you curled up on the couch like that, it didn’t feel right to just leave you there. You looked so uncomfortable and it was the least I could do. I know it wasn’t much, but I wanted you to wake up in the comfort of your own bed after all that happened.”

He watched as you slowly turned your head to the side, it was obvious that you were dealing with your own inner conflict now just by your demeanor. When you finally composed your thoughts, you looked back at him once more.

“You did all that, because you care about me? Why?”

Joel thought it was obvious that he cared about you but when he really thought about it, he had thrown your emotions through the ringer on multiple occasions. He had battered you up more than he realized. So, of course you were going to question him. He hadn’t given you any reason to believe that he really did give a shit about you. Considering he kept his feelings about you to himself. He wasn’t good at expressing them, and now it was coming out all at once and he couldn’t stop it.

“Gwen, of course I care about you. I care about you too fuckin much for my own good. Remember how I acted when you had that fever? I was terrified that you weren’t gonna make it.”

“Yeah? Then you came back, took care of me and fuckin pushed me away again.”

He rubbed his fingers against his temples then as he inhaled through his nose.

“I know what I did Gwen, and I’m sorry. I thought at that moment I was ‘doin the right thing. You cared too, didn’t you? I heard it. I heard you throw your knife at the fuckin wall.”

You scoffed under your breath then. “You’re doing a real fucking terrible job at presenting a convincing case right now, Joel.”

He took a step towards you then. He watched as you took one back.

“Look me in the fuckin eyes and tell me that you didn’t care, Gwen. That night, before I met up with Tess at the rendezvous point, I told you that she and I were together. You cared, I know you did. You just did damn fuckin good job at hiding it from me.”

He watched as you narrowed your eyes at him, your hands were balled at your sides in tight fists and you were trembling.

“Tell me that you don’t give a shit about me, ‘darlin. Tell me.”

Another step forward from him and your back was nearly touching the wall.

“Don’t fucking do this to me Joel. Stop it please. You can walk away now. There’s still time for you to fucking walk away.”

“Why do you keep fuckin pushing me away?”

“Caring about you the way that I do, is only going to end up getting me fucking killed Joel. Sooner or later, this is going to catch up to us! We’re all gonna die eventually. It’s not worth it. It’s not worth it to feel, to devote yourself to someone, when the fucking world could take them away from you in a heart beat!” Your back was now pressed against the wall, Joel was everywhere, all at once.

His chest was now barely touching yours, his forehead was dipped down, resting against yours. His warm breath was lightly fanning your face.

“I’d kill a thousand fuckin men before I’d allow that to happen, Gwen.”

You physically had to create some distance between you. He was too close, too real, too everything. You placed your hand on his chest to push him away and create that distance, but he wouldn’t budge.

“No Joel. Stop it. You don’t mean that. I’m not worth it, I’m not and you have Tess—”

“You don’t think you’re fuckin worth it? You’re fuckin incredible. You’re the only good left in this fuckin world, Gwen! I’ve been fighting this for so fuckin long. Do you realize that? I imagine what my life would be like if we didn’t rescue you from those raiders. If you didn’t give me this fucking scar? He gestured to the small dent on his eyebrow, the end result of you throwing a knife at his face 3 years ago. My life wouldn’t fuckin matter Gwen. I wouldn’t care if I lived another day. There was nothing left for me to fuckin live for. Then you came along, you showed up and fuckin flipped my goddamn world upside down. I hate you for it, you know that? I hate you for it because I fucking care so much—if something were to happen to you? I’m putting it all out on the fuckin table, baby. I’ve got nothing left to fuckin lose. You’re right, we live in a fucked up world. Hell, we could die tomorrow for all we know. Y’know what I’m not gonna do? I’m not gonna hide. I ain’t gonna run. I’m right fuckin here and I will wait for as long as I have to, I will wait for you.”

The weight of Joel’s desperate confession, knocked the wind straight out of you. It felt like he was depleting all the air from your lungs. Your heart was pounding against your chest, your eyes were wide and the tears that threatened to spill over, finally came. He was cupping your face in his hands before you even had the chance to wipe them away yourself.

“Joel, I can’t fucking afford to lose you. I can’t.” Your words came out in a choked out sob.

“Shh. Shh, ‘darlin. I’m right here. I ain’t goin anywhere. You’re not gonna lose me alright? I’m right here. It’s gonna take a hell of a lot to take me out anyway. I’d give ‘em hell first.” He was speaking so gently to you now. His thumbs were vigorously wiping away your tears and you finally gave in, falling into his chest as you clutched his shirt between your fists like your life depended on it. You were exhausted from fighting how you felt about this man. Your walls were crumbling down around you, while Joel was right there to hold you together. When your knees finally gave out, he scooped you up into his arms so you didn’t have to stand anymore. He held you so fucking close to him in those moments and you let it all happen; you were done fighting.

________

For the rest of the afternoon, you and Joel sat together in comfortable silence. So much had happened, so much was said and yet, you were both content just being in each other's presence. Tess had made it home safely sometime in the middle of the night. She was too exhausted to even notice you and Joel passed out on the couch together. He had draped the thick quilt over both of you, you had your calves comfortably resting in his lap and his fingers had been rubbing soothing circles into your skin before he had drifted off, not letting you go. Even if on the off chance she had noticed, she was too exhausted to care.

_________________

For the rest of the brutal winter, Joel made it his mission to continue training you. You spent many hours out in the woods together. Practicing your shooting, combat skills, and everything in between. Tess had even accompanied you on a few occasions. She taught you the dirty ways to win a fight, especially against a man. This was the first time you felt that she was viewing you as her equal.You appreciated her knowledge more than she would ever realize, and you came to find out that Tess was pretty fucking funny when she wanted to be. Everything was falling into place the way he should be. By spring, you were ready and adequately prepared to get in on the action, finally.

Spring brought new beginnings. With these new beginnings, came new challenges. The Boston QZ was arresting, prosecuting, and executing residents on the daily. Anyone that was caught breaking a rule, attempting to escape, committing treason, or acts of violence, were publicly executed every morning. You weren’t just dumping the infected dead anymore, you were dumping familiar faces into the deep pits. Times were getting tough and with every body you dumped, another new resident would come through the gates. It would only be a matter of time before Joel would get thrown in lock up, or worse. He had a few FEDRA soldiers wrapped around his finger but how long was that really going to last? On-top of everything, there were more firefly attacks. With hushed whispers of a possible overthrowing of the fascist pieces of shit that swore to protect their residents, and were murdering them instead. The QZ was never safe to begin with but now, it was turning into an active war-zone. Joel had made the decision that the three of you needed to get the hell out of dodge.

There were a few other smugglers that had the same idea as you. Joel agreed that having a larger group would increase the chances of escaping. More bodies = more lookouts = higher chance of survival. At least, that’s how he explained it. You had agreed to meet with the rest of the group at the rendezvous point: the abandoned QZ bookstore. It had enough cover in case something were to go wrong, and you always had to expect the worst.

“ ‘Alright, sundown we head out. If things get sketchy, we run. No turning back.” Joel had said hours before the escape plan would ensue. As he was talking, he was looking right at you. He was always looking at you.

Evening came quickly and you found yourself packing the essentials from your room and taking one last look of what was your home for 3 years. It was bittersweet, but there was no time for emotions, you had to get out fast. Slinging your backpack over your shoulder, you took one look at your barren bed and closed the door behind you. Little did you know, this would not be your last time in the apartment.

Joel and Tess had been loading up their guns at the kitchen table when you had walked in, your gun and knife tucked securely in their holster. When Joel had sensed your presence, he looked up for a moment and gave you a reassuring nod. His eyes told you that everything was going to end up being okay, and you believed him.

The three of you headed out of the apartment and onto the streets, quietly. Joel in front, you in the middle and Tess behind you. The abandoned bookstore was only about a 10 minute walk. It was no stroll, however. You still needed to be on high alert. The three of you moved silently through the shadows of the alleyways, backing yourself into a tight corner when a FEDRA truck would drive by with foot soldiers.

You had made it to your destination without getting caught. Joel had quietly pushed open the door with his shoulder, his gun was drawn and he looked around the expanse of the building, his eyes searching for any moment and when he deemed it safe, he ushered you and Tess inside, closing the door behind them. The bookstore was nearly destroyed. There were bookcases knocked off, shattered glass, books strewn about. Like most of the buildings, nature had begun to take over once more. There was moss throughout and long winding vines stretching up towards the half collapsing roof. You had your gun drawn now but couldn’t help but walk through the wreckage, glancing at what books were left along a mostly untouched shelf.

Minutes had gone by and there was no sign of the rest of the group's arrival. Something was wrong. You could all sense it and Tess was the first to speak up.

“Joel, something doesn’t feel right. Something’s off. They should have been here already someone probably fuckin set us up.”

Joel had kicked at a piece of rotten wood on the floor then, muttering under his breath.

“We’ll give it another minute and if they don’t show up, we’ll book it, alright?”

Something was definitely very off.

Another minute had passed and no sign of the group’s arrival.

“Alright, Joel we gave it another minute and now—”

Tess was cut off by the sound of debris crunching under heavy padded boots and Joel was already raising his gun from the intrusion. He looked to his left then, where you were standing, gun drawn and he motioned for you to get behind the bookcase.

“Gwen.” He hissed. “Get down. Get behind the bookcase, NOW.” His tone was urgent, but his eyes were focused on where the sound had come from. You ducked behind the bookcase then, crouching down with your gun held steadily at your chest, your finger on the trigger and then you heard familiar voices. The unfriendly kind. Robert’s fuckin henchmen.

“Joel, Tess.” The man had paused then. They had 6 men with them, heavily armed. “Where’s that pretty little thing you've been hiding away, Miller? What’s her name again?”

He snapped his fingers, making it seem like he couldn’t remember your name.

“Ah, Gwendolyn! That’s it. She’not hanging around with your sleazy ass anymore?”

“It’s Gwen.” You and Joel had simultaneously whispered out.

“What was that?” The man mused. “Gwen. Right, got it.” He took a step to the left, Joel’s eyes and gun followed him.

“So, she ain’t here then? Not hiding in the shadows waiting to snipe us out? Gwen, sweetheart, you hiding from us?” He sing-songed. It sent bile rising up your throat and your finger hovered over the trigger once more.

“She ain’t here. What the hell are you doin out here, James?” Joel spoke calmly, his gun still trained on him, watching him closely.

“Oh? She’s not. Well, ain’t that a shame.” He kicked over the standing bookcase that was a few feet from where you were hiding. The crashing sound nearly made Joel flinch and you had sucked in a shaky, low breath.

“Y’know Miller, it’s funny you’d ask. We caught wind that you wanted to get the hell out of dodge. Thought to myself, Joel Miller? On the run? There’s no way. Then one of your so-called “friends” rats you out. Say’s that you’re meeting up here tonight, and you’re leaving the QZ.” He kicked a book on the floor then and it landed with a thud, right in front of you.

“Can you imagine the look on Robert's face when we told him that you were ditchin?” He chuckled.

“I could give less of a fuck what Robert had to say about it.” Joel was quick to respond back.

“Course you could give less of a fuck, Miller. You thought you could just slip on out of here without him knowing? Never took you to be a fool. So here’s what’s gonna happen. You’re gonna put the guns down. We don’t wanna fight. You’re gonna give us the pills that you owe us and we’ll go our separate ways.”

“If we don’t?”

James smirked then, looking over at the fellow smuggler. “We kill you both and take the girl. I know she’s hiding here somewhere, Miller. You couldn’t protect her forever. Robert’s been askin about her. He’d be pretty pleased if we showed up with the pills and her. Would definitely brighten his day.”

“I ain’t got any pills on me James. My guy got thrown in lock up and they’re probably gonna kill him tomorrow. You go back and tell Robert that he’s gonna have to find someone else.”

“Damn, you don’t have anything on you Miller? The hell happened? You’ve gone soft or somethin?” He had taken a step closer to the still-standing bookcase and Joel followed, he already had sweat beading on his forehead from the intensity of the situation, his blood was pounding in his ears.

“I don’t have shit on me James. We haven’t made a run in fuckin weeks cause of FEDRA. Look, I can offer you some of our supplies and ammo but that’s about it.”

You had slowly moved from your crouched position. From your angle, you’d have a good chance at taking one of his men out, but you’d have to be quick about it. It was risky, but you knew that if you didn’t at least try, the three of you were not going to make it out of there alive. Now was your chance to prove just how lethal you could be.

James sighed then. “You really never make this easy, huh? Well Joel, Tess, it’s been nice knowing ya—”

He was cut off by a gunshot, your gun. You had peeked around the side of the bookcase, aiming your gun at the one man that was closest to Tess. You breathed in, exhaled out, remembering Joel’s instructions as you released the trigger—BANG. The sound of the man dropping with a sickening thud was enough to have everyone turn in the direction of the gunshot.

“You’re a fuckin liar Miller and you’re gonna die for it—” more gunshots echoed and the chaos ensued.

Tess had taken out one man before she crouched behind a bookcase further from you. Bullets were flying everywhere, and now all three of you were hiding in opposite areas of the building. Popping up to shoot before crouching back down. You could only hide for so long.

You peeked around the corner once more, taking aim at one of the men once more, having a good shot at his leg. Before you could pull the trigger, you were harshly yanked back by your hair, the gun was ripped out of your grasp and thrown on the floor before you were slammed into the mossy pavement. You could faintly hear Joel yell for you through the ringing in your ears. He couldn’t reach you from where he was crouched. He couldn’t protect you. He was helpless.

You could feel blood trickling down your forehead, a kick to your gut from the heel of James boot sent you gasping for air, squeezing your eyes shut from the intense pain that knocked into you. Another kick and you were seeing stars. Surely, you’d have some angry bruises blooming on your skin.

“Fuckin knew you were here the entire time bitch.” He spat, yanking you up once more by your hair. “Think you’re so clever huh? What’re you gonna do now, sweetheart. Joel can’t fuckin save you.”

He had thrown you down to the pavement once more before he was on top of you, holding you down with his weight while you screamed and fought back with everything you had left in you. Your screams shattered Joel to the core, and he was left seeing only red behind his eyes.

In your fight for survival, you had grasped the hilt of your blade from your holster and yanked it out, in the process you had sliced James arm and sent him falling back, giving you the leverage you needed to get yourself up. You threw yourself onto him, jabbing your blade into his chest with a yell of pure rage. You heard his groans of agony as you twisted the blade deeper. Watching the life drain from his violent eyes before you yanked the blade from his chest and fell back against the pavement. In your rush of adrenaline, you hadn’t realized that he had his knife out and it was now pierced through your abdomen. White hot pain shot through your nerves as you took harsh breaths, crying out in agony from the pain you were feeling as you grasped the hilt of the blade lodged in your flesh.

Tess had seen you go down first and she shot up from her crouched position, taking aim at the last of Robert’s men, pulled the trigger and shot him in the head, between his eyes. She didn’t even wait to see him drop before she was rushing over to you. When she saw Jame’s blade sticking out of your gut, the blood pooling around the wound, she yelled.

“Joel.”

“JOEL!”

She was crouched beside you now grabbing your hand so you couldn’t pull the blade out.

Joel had rushed over to you then, pushing over what was left of the bookcase and when he found you laying on the concrete, gasping and crying out, and Tess holding your hand, he had images of Sarah. The blood pooling around her shirt, her gasps and cries—

“No. No. No. NO!”

He yelled, dropping to his knees beside you

“Fuck fuck fuck fuck. You’re okay Gwen. You’re okay baby we’re gonna get you out of here, okay? We’re gonna get you out of here!”

You were struggling to breathe and both Joel and Tess’s voices sounded fuzzy and far away. You only had a matter of time before it would be too late.

“Tess, help me! We have to get her up!”

He was already reaching for you then, wrapping his arm around your shoulder so he could lift you up. The movement caused the blade to shift and it sent another wave of pain as you cried out.

“I know baby I know. I have to get you up! I have to! Look at me baby, look at me! I’ve got you okay? I have to get you up!”

He brought your arm around his shoulder then before he hoisted you up into his arms, while Tess ripped off her jacket so she could apply pressure to your wound, there was so much blood already.

Joel was in a fury as he held you against his chest and let Tess lead the way out of the building as he ran like hell, each step he took caused you more pain and your eyes were barely open now, as you struggled to hold on.

“Look at me baby! Don’t close your eyes! Keep looking at me! I’m right here—I’m right here please please hold on baby! Please!” He was desperately pleading with you then as he quickened his pace.

“Baby I got you, I got you please please stay with me, Gwen! Stay with me!” His tone became more desperate, more raw as your eyes had fluttered shut by the time they had reached the apartment.

His jacket was now soaked in your blood as he kicked the apartment door open, Tess had rushed to the table, knocking everything off it as he gently laid you down on the surface.

“Get me the fuckin alcohol and first aid kit! Hurry, Tess!”

He worked fast at applying pressure to your wound, his hands were wet with your blood and he was fighting back his tears. He couldn’t lose you, not like this. “It’s going to be okay baby, I promise! I’m going to fix you right up! Open your eyes, Gwen! Please!” He applied more pressure to slow down the bleeding and you shot up, grabbing his hand and squeezed down hard as you screamed.

“I know baby I know, stay with me! I can’t take it out yet baby I’m sorry! I’ll make the pain go away, I promise! I’ll make it go away!” He watched as you fell back against the table once more just as Tess came back with the bottle of rubbing alcohol and the first aid kit and a few towels to use to pressurize the wound.

“Tess I need you to fucking hold her down okay? She’s gonna move when I take this out and then you get those towels on her right after, okay?!”

Tess had nodded, she was far calmer than Joel in those moments and thank god, because if she wasn’t, there’s no way he was gonna get through this.

“Okay baby I’m going to take it out now okay? It’s going to hurt for a minute but you gotta trust me! Count with me, 1-2-3!—” he had quickly yanked the blade from your abdomen then. The scream you let out would forever haunt his dreams as Tess held you down, you could make out her face slightly through your pain and deliria. Her eyes showed fear, fear that you could die on this table tonight.

Joel had tossed the blade to the side then as he grabbed the towels and pressed them down hard onto your abdomen, Tess took over then and he held your face in his bloodstained hands. He was covered in your blood and it made him feel sick. “Baby, baby. Hey, baby. Open your eyes dammit, please. Your eyes are so beautiful, Gwen. Please let me see them again.” He stroked your cheekbones gently, tears running down his face. “We’re gonna fix you right up. Gonna stop the bleeding and stitch you up, okay?” He had kissed you then, for the first time. He kissed you with tears wetting his cheeks, leaving salty streaks in their wake. He could taste the blood on your lips from the gash on your head, but he kissed you as if he could breathe life back into you from his lips alone.

“Joel if we can’t slow down the bleeding—”

“Don’t fuckin talk like that Tess! Don’t. She’s going to be okay, we're gonna fix her up. We’re gonna save her! She can’t fuckin die like this dammit. She can’t!”

With the strength that you had left in you, you slowly reached your hand up brushing your fingers against his face, your touch was there and gone as fast as it came. His face fell when your arm dropped to the side of the table, your fingers outstretched and unmoving.

“No. No. No. You are not dying like this dammit! Don’t fuckin leave me, please!”

He moved the blood soaked towels off of your wound and onto the floor. The bleeding had stopped enough for him to stitch you up, but he had to be fast.

“Tess, get me the needle and thread!”

He wiped his hands off quickly then as Tess grabbed the needle and thread, they didn’t have a lighter to sterilize it but there was no time to think about those things.

“I need you to hold her hand and talk to her, okay? Just fucking talk to her and tell her that everything is going to be okay!”

“Joel—”

“No Tess, fucking do it, please!”

She grabbed your hand then, giving it a squeeze while Joel had started to stitch your wound up, she used her free hand to feel for your pulse then. It was there, but it was faint. You were barely just holding on. She had crouched down then brushing some hair from your face gently, seeing the matted blood from the gash on your head. She leaned down and whispered. “Hey, I know you love him, Gwen. So please, do us both a favor and don’t die tonight. He needs you. I know he does. You don’t deserve to go out like this. You’re gonna be okay. You’re a fighter, remember? Always have been”

Joel had started to stitch you up then, he was no expert but he worked fast despite the horrors that he was facing in his mind. This situation was all too similar to what he went through with losing Sarah. Except, this time he actually had a chance to save you, and he would be damned if he didn’t try.

You had faintly squeezed Tess’s hand, you heard what she said, part of it, and you were going to fight like hell.

When Joel had finished stitching you up, he looked up at your face to see if there were any signs that you were still there. He grabbed the rubbing alcohol and applied it around the wound before he ripped open a thing of 17 year old gauze and placed it down on top of the wound along with a bandage. Finally, he grabbed the bottle of penicillin. If the blood loss didn’t take you out, infection certainly would. He injected the needle into the vein in your arm then and looked at Tess before he sunk back into the chair with his face in his hands.

“Joel. Hey, Joel. She’s breathing. She squeezed my hand. I think she might have heard me.”

He looked up at her then, feeling exhausted and defeated but he willed himself to stand and be by your side once more. He pulled the chair back before he sat down, grabbing your outstretched hand and brought it up to his face. He pressed a soft kiss to the outside of your palm, interlocking his fingers with yours and squeezed. It was a gentle reminder to you that he meant it when he said he wasn’t going anywhere. He would be right there for you, always.

Tess hadn’t let go of your hand either, she used her free hand to grab the rubbing alcohol and a gauze pad. He watched in disbelief as she poured the liquid onto the gauze and gently dabbed it on the gash along your head and wiped the matted blood away.

Joel and Tess sat there with you till you showed early signs of recovery, your chest was beginning to rise and fall at a normal rate. Your breathing was still faint but it was there and sure beacon that you weren’t done yet.

Joel had gently lifted your body from the table, bringing you over to the couch and set you down before he draped the blanket across you. He leaned down and pressed a kiss to your head, closing his eyes for a moment before he had pulled back.

Tess was already disposing of the bloodied towels and your shirt. The table looked like a crime scene, your blood was everywhere and when Joel came to help, she stopped him then.

“Hey, it’s okay. I got this, really. Go and be with her. She needs you the most right now.”

He reluctantly agreed, giving Tess a slight nod before he walked over to the couch and slowly sank down, he lifted your head gently so you could rest it on his lap, his movements were extremely slow and gentle as he didn’t want to accidentally hurt you. He noticed your dried blood all over his hands still, a painful reminder of what had happened.

______

Tess had joined him then, she sat across from him on the coffee table. Her hands were stained with your blood as well. Both parties were silent then, replaying what had happened in their minds before Tess had finally spoke, breaking the silence.

“Y’know, I should have never underestimated her. She took that first shot with zero hesitation.”

He slowly looked over at her then, brushing his knuckles across your forehead gently.

“I should have been there to save her, Tess. I wasn’t. I failed her.”

“Joel, no. You didn’t fail her. You couldn’t control this. Neither of us could. She fought like hell.”

He was too exhausted to argue and in a way, he knew Tess was right. He didn’t fail you. He taught you well. You protected them with that first shot. You knew that James was going to kill them if you waited any longer. So you took that risk, even if it meant you would get hurt. You didn’t care, your instincts kicked in and you went with it, guns blazing and fire in your heart.

“I understand now. I didn’t before, but I understand why you care about her so much, Joel.”

“Tess—”

“No, just listen to me alright? Let me say this. You need to hear it. I knew from the beginning that you saw something special in her. I didn’t understand why. I mean hell, she threw a knife at you man and you decided, hey, let’s take her in. She tried to kill me but we can’t just leave her out here like this. Then, I saw the way you would look at her. It wasn’t noticeable at first and half the time I thought I was imagining it. Then I’d catch you at random moments, she’d walk through that door and I’d see that smile. It only comes out when she’s around. You only call her doll. You’ve never called me that and I just started to notice all the little things. I was jealous, Joel. I was because all I had ever wanted was for you to look at me that way. Then, I thought I had you when we were at Bill and Frank’s. For a split second, I selfishly thought you would have forgotten about her. How silly of me, right? She’s hard to forget.”

“Tess, why are you tellin me all of this?”

She sighed then, rubbing her palms along her torn jeans before she looked at him, with a soft, knowing smile.

“Because I’m letting you go, Joel.”

He frowned slightly then as he looked at her. He wasn’t expecting her to be like this, certainly not now. Tess still meant something to him. She always would, but he loved her in a different way. The way he felt for you was on a whole other spiritual plane that even he himself couldn't fully explain.

“I’m letting you go because you were never mine in the first place. Not really. You were always hers. It just took me a while to realize it.”

Joel had reached for her hand then, placing his over hers and gave it a squeeze. He had fresh tears threatening to spill over then.

“I’m sorry I could never love you the way that you deserved.”

She placed her other hand over his then, rubbing her thumb against his knuckles gently.

“You don’t have to be sorry for that Joel. Just love her the way that she deserves, okay?”

He nodded then as he glanced down at your sleeping form. You weren’t out of the woods just yet, but with Joel by your side, and Tess close by, you had something to hold onto and live for.

“I will, Tess. I promise you I will.”

CHAPTER 10:

#pedro pascal #the last of us #joel miller #pedro pascal characters #joel miller fanfiction #joel miller fanfic #tlou #joel miller the last of us #joel miller fic #the last of us fanfiction #the last of us fic #tlou fanfiction #joel miller x oc #joel miller x original character #joel miller imagine #the last of us imagine #pedro pascal fanfiction #pedro pascal fic #joel x tess #tess the last of us #joel tlou #joel miller angst #the last of us x oc #joel miller x female oc #joel miller x f!oc

[beauregardlionett]

m'kay in light of the most recent cr episode i got thinking about this post of mine again because it's relevant and i am SO excited for whatever happens this week with the hells. brief tl;dr for that post - it is so fascinating to me personally how the m9 and bh treat vulnerability and trust as two distinct concepts in complete opposite ways. the m9 trusted each other to an insane degree and were only vulnerable when held at metaphorical gun point. meanwhile bh trauma dumped on each other the majority of their shit before we were even 50 episodes in, but they have yet to display constant, true trust in one another.

and the trust exercise is the last to happen, and it involves two people being replaced with doppelgängers who intend to impede the group's progress. how much personal bias is going to bleed through? how much will recent events blind their choices? how well do they actually know each other? is this going to actually relieve tension or increase it?

fifty episodes into the campaign, orym asked fearne if she would help him stop imogen and then leave the group with him if it came down to it. laudna lost all faith in ashton and some faith in fearne after the shard stunt just two/three episodes ago. orym just admitted that he has planned out how to take down every single member of bell's hells. they did a poll once on who they thought would turn on the group. they still fumble their way through combat doing mostly solo attacks because they don't know half the shit everyone else is capable of. the m9 weren't perfect but they were further along on that front by this point in their campaign.

and maybe it's on account of the lack of downtime they've had thus far - but one would think that if they were vulnerable with each other and had been through several, consistent fires with each other facing a force that could end the world, trust would have developed somewhere along the way! but instead - we're here.

and personally, i think it's because these are all the people who were left behind. who cares about being vulnerable when you've already been broken? putting your broken pieces on display is a lot different than allowing someone to handle those pieces and try to put them back together. because then you run the risk of shattering again.

they have all been left behind by someone. trust doesn't come easy after that. chet and his family, laudna and her parents, f.c.g. and dancer and his whole life hundreds of years ago, fearne and her parents, imogen and her parents, orym and his husband, ashton and his parents and the nobodies.

chet put it perfectly - "i don't want to get attached again"

too bad. you're in this now and until you decide to back out, you have to learn how to trust at least these people. they've all decided to at least stick around and that's the first step. the rest of the process will be painful, but worth it.

i hope they never have to cut each other down.

#cr #critical role #c3e79 #beaureblogs #bell's hells #bh #chetney pock o'pea #orym of the air ashari #fearne calloway #imogen temult #laudna #f.c.g. #fresh cut grass #ashton greymoore

[your-mums-nuts]

I am a hardcore stolitz shipper, let me preface by saying this.

Stolitz possibly giving up on Blitzo? Fucking great, actually.

Think about it, Blitzo does not show his hand when it’s about his feelings (especially his ones for Stolas) and that’s a big part of his character, but there comes to a point where it hurts the people around him. He sort of resolved it with Moxxie when they were going through their trauma trip and it’s clear that he’s a good dad and cares a lot about his friends and even without all that, I like him a lot, he’s funny, he cares to a certain extent and he’s had a fucking hard life.

But this is what we know, cause we’re the audience. Stolas has no reason to continue trying to have any kind of relationship with Blitzo, best example being the texts we saw at the very end of our most recent episode. Did that hit different for some people? Just me? The things they do in hell are very cartoonish and silly and random, it keeps the show interesting, this also means that their more personal problems are shown in more outlandish ways. Have you ever had your wife try and murder you by hiring you a cowboy only to tell him not to kill you just yet so you can fork over your money? No, but have you ever been the only one to start a conversation? The only person putting effort into a relationship? The one leaving paragraphs only to feel your heart drop when the response is three words or less?

The answer, statistically, is yes.

I hope he gives Blitzo the asmodeus crystals (I think that’s what they’re called) and fucks off. He cares about Blitzo, this care is reciprocated! But there’s a point where it’s appropriate to just back away, because you aren’t getting any of the same attention or care back. I’m not saying this as a fuck you to Blitzo either! Blitzo would flourish with some space and time, he needs to sort out his feelings and he really can’t do that when he’s sleeping with the guy transactionally in a deal that makes him feel like shit.

They do not understand eachother, at all. That’s to be expected as they are of different classes and backgrounds. In the latest episode you can tell they were actually starting to, with Stolas getting a big speech from Striker (who in my opinion, is Blitzo’s foil) and Blitzo’s classic ‘he can get hurt?’.

With space to sort out his feelings, Blitzo could be the one to reach out, be the one to be open about his feelings.

With space and time, Stolas could put his love life on pause and deal with his numerous home life problems.

In conclusion, I loved this episode and these idiots and this was my biggest takeaway.

#helluva boss #stolitz #helluva boss stolas #stolas goetia #blitzo #helluva boss stella #helluva boss striker #octavia goetia

[delicatelydead]

The Lloyd VS Antigone debate is fucking wild as a Ninjago fan studying classics.

Like, I could go on a rant about the definition and requirements of a tragedy, but itʻs changed in definition over time: currently it means a "serious drama with a sorrowful or disastrous conclusion" (Miriam-Webster). But at the time Antigone was written, it was a strict genre with strict conventions. First there would be a prologue where one or more of the characters introduce the situation. Then the introduction of the characters follows, called the parodos. There are three or more episodes after the parodos, interspersed with stasima (choral interludes explaining or commenting on the situation). The tragedy ends in an exodos, one final choral stand.

Imo, the main difference between their stories would be the presence of hope. Ninjago wasnʻt written to be a tragedy, Lloyd is written to go through all of these traumatic events and still make it out alive and fighting. Sophocles didnʻt write Antigone with the intent for her to survive. If you know the story of Oedipos, Antigone takes place after his self-imposed exile. Itʻs an expansion on the Seven Against Thebes, following Polynikes and Eteokles deaths, covering Antigoneʻs (their sister) struggle against her uncle Kreon and the burial (or the lack of) of Polynikes.

So did Lloyd go through more trauma than Antigone? Yes, that boy is fucked up to high hell. BUT his story wasnʻt meant to be tragic, it was meant to inspire hope in the power of friendship or some other cheesy shit. Itʻs just not a proper comparison.

#lego ninjago #ninjago #antigone #greek tragedy #lloyd vs antigone #lloyd garmadon

[shygirl4991]

Shay Reacts to SMG4's Browser History

Spoilers down below!

I...hey uh Four maybe your barking the wrong tree and should check out boyfriends ya know?

mood luigi sometimes women are scary what an icon

something you dont have Mario but SMG3 does! Legit is SMG4 getting that desperate to find something? Maybe noticing something and you dont wanna accept hmm??

i....WHY IS THIS THEIR RIZZ FORMS I AM DYING

nope im even more dead holy shit i have seen dating sims like this in forever!

Pride Month?!?! Dating app?!?! how the hell do you not know tsundere when you called him that sdklgfsdlgkf

sooo do SMG's age then??????? is SMG3 like shadow in age cause graveyard and mushroom kingdom are different when it comes to time passing or immortal but they keep track for fun cause the world needs ages to get shit done.

Also match is next door you silly

okay ONE why do you want to know if the man showers what you into Four excuse me?! also aw he looked up how to say sorry the boy really doesnt know how to say sorry right my goodess i am happy to know Four watches Three streams he be working on his jealousy im hoping

MY BOY!! just wanted you all to see him

trauma unlocked

and Mario died thats it SMG4 had a wild ending lmao this was a wild episode i swear i screamed lkgtfjldks wonder if valentines ep be a Saturday one hmmmmm

#smg4 #smg3 #shygirl4991 #SMG4's Browser History

[the-cookie-of-doom]

My entire day is just. Studying child development. And I don't like it (it's complicated) but it's making me really want to write a kid!fic?

Look, watching that one episode of Ingredients Did Something To Me, okay??

After some youthful indiscretions when he's a teenager, Kim get's a girl pregnant. Korn finds out and makes the problem go away. Kim might not find out at all, until years later, when the girl - now a woman - presents him with a toddler and tells him it's his. And Kim is shocked to hell, but if nothing else, he's loyal to his family, and holy shit this child is his family.

Or maybe Korn deals with the problem in a different way. He's not averse to raising bodyguards, Kim says as much himself. He could easily take care of the mother (either paying her off, attic-wifing her, or killing her), with the intention of raising his grandson to be the next heir after Kinn. He knows the chances of getting a child out of Kinn are slim to none. Now he won't have to worry about that. He has a grandchild that he can raise in his own image, in secret.

This is going to get long so I'm going to continue under a cut

However it happens, Kim eventually finds out, and like hell he's going to let anyone keep him from his child. It will take him a while to get used to the idea, to lean into fatherhood, but he's not going to let his own father raise his child to be a killer. Kim sees a chance to break his generational trauma and he takes it with both hands and runs.

Kim has no idea how to be a father. He didn't have a good role model. He know show he's raised, and he knows he won't be the same, so he just. Tries to do the opposite of whatever he went through as a kid. (He's probably the overly-permissive type, but that won't be a problem until later.)

Kim also doesn't have time to be a father. He's in his last year of university, he has a career to manage. Korn of course offers to help - with Kinn running the family now, he can play the part of doting grandpa, but Kim refuses. Hires a nanny (maybe the one that took care of him as a child, the only one he trusts with his own) to help him figure this all out.

The official story, as far as WiK goes, to protect his clean image, is that the toddler is his baby brother. WiK is seen as the sweet, doting older brother when they're seen in public together (which he tries to make sure isn't often, but he's not going to raise his kid in a box, fuck that). It melts the hearts of all his fans, and no one knows he was a teen parent, a terrible role model, someone to scorn.

At some point in their interactions, Kim lets it slip that he has two brothers, and Chay is confused. He knows about the toddler, but Kim mentioned two older brothers? So doesn't that mean he has three?

Eventually Kim introduces Chay to his kid, and Chay isn't stupid. He was raised by his own brother, he knows what that looks like, and it's not what he sees now. His suspicions are confirmed the first time Kim lets him into his apartment. He tries to hide all of the baby things, but Chay snoops a little bit. Finds a child's room behind a door that should have been locked. He confronts Kim, very gently, with the truth. He doesn't judge. He sad that Kim feels the need to hide, even from him, but he understands.

He also thinks the image of Kim with his son is so much cuter than the idea of him with a baby brother.

Kim lets himself be a little reckless, lets Chay spend more time with him and his son, and it hurts how easily Chay takes to him. Like they're a little family of their own. But it's not real.

The first time Kim lets - no, specifically asks - Chay to babysit, because he has no one else, his nanny is sick, and there's no one else he trusts with his son (which is a shock for both of them on it's own), leads to a dramatic shift in their relationship. Kim can't keep pretending this is just a friendship of convenience. He trusts Chay, maybe more than he should, but he can't deny it.

It's going to make the breakup so much harder, because his son is old enough to love Chay, to miss him, to ask where he is when he stops coming over, and Kim doesn't have a good enough answer. Is barely holding himself together, without the added pain of consoling his heartbroken child, crying for Chay to come home while Kim has to keep himself from doing the same.

TBH, the kid is probably how they reconcile. Next time SomethingTM happens and Kim doesn't have anyone to watch him, his first instinct is to call Chay. But he's not allowed to do that anymore. So he drops the boy off with Uncle Tankhun (and is barely able to make him leave that horrible house with his child inside, but Khun is fierce, he'll protect him) and at some point Chay comes to see Khun, and finds him playing with the kid who missed Chay so much, and he knows he should leave, but when he tries the kid cries until he throws up (it's gross, but it's also sweet, but it's also so, so heartbreaking) and Chay just. Can't. Kim might hate him for it, but he can't break that little baby's heart all over again.

After, both Tankhun and the kid demand regular visits. (Khun knows exactly what he's doing. Yeah he loves his nephew, the kid is in that excited dress-up stage and lets Khun treat him like a little doll, but he also thinks Kim is an idiot and needs to start talking to Chay again, and if this is what happens, then so be it).

Little kiddo excited tells Chay about anything and everything, and then does the same to Kim, telling him about his day, all the fun things he did with Uncle Khun and Uncle Chay, and. It hurts. Kim was not at all prepared for how much it hurts.

It continues this way for a while, with the kid an unintentional carrier pigeon between Kim and Chay, sharing aspects of their lives to each other. They never cross paths because Chay always makes sure he's not there when Kim drops him off or picks him up.

Until one day he is. Kim was late (his latest mission was particularly bloody, he had to take extra time to get himself cleaned up and put back together, he won't let his son be exposed to this part of his life) and his son is inconsolable. Chay is trying his best. Just got him to sleep in his lap when Kim finally drags himself, looking fierce until his eyes fall on his son in the arms of the man he loves, and he softens, and Chay sees it, and. They really need to talk.

But kiddo is still sleeping, and Kim doesn't want to wake him up just yet, so he just. Sits down. Looking at him because he can't look at Chay, and Chay tells him how worried kiddo was (doesn't say how worried he was, too), and how he's been fussy all night. Kim lets it slip how much kiddo missed Chay/looks forward to seeing him now (doesn't say how much he missed Chay, and always hopes for a glimpse of him, always disappointed when he isn't there)

They have a lot to work through, but it's impossible to fight with the kiddo sleeping in Chay's lap, so they're forced to be adults about it. Talking quietly, with Kim admitting to things he never thought he'd be able to say out loud. Does say how much he missed Chay, and how he never should have left Chay alone, and how he never should have let Chay think he never loved him, because he did, so much he saw a future with Chay that scared him, and he ran, because he couldn't bear it if Chay left him first, better to break his own heart

Chay forgives him. They don't get together immediately because forgiveness isn't the same as acceptance, and they still have things they need to work through. But he stops avoiding Kim, and sometimes Kim calls him instead of Khun when he needs an impromptu baby sitter, and slowly, that little family that Kim never let himself dream about starts to take form in front of his eyes, and he wonders how he could have ever let himself run away from this.

#cookie speaks #cookie writes #kimchay #kid!fic #Porsche becomes the MOST doting uncle as soon as Chay gives the all clear #Kinn kind of avoids the kiddo bc he has no idea what to do with kids and also doesn't know if Kim would approve? #their relationship is still strained #and kinn is awkward #but oh boy Porsche is a MONSTER #he's going to spoil that boy rotten #Chay is going to give him so much hell for it #but he gets it #Porsche couldn't afford to spoil him when they were growing up (even though he always tried) #i just #i Do Not want kids but I have FEELS okay #this is going to be the most loved child in the world #surrounded by incredibly traumatized and love-starved adults that will do anything and everything #to make sure he has the best life possible #i might write this #new comfort fic alert

[russosafehaven]

Lavender Haze

A/N: I’m stumped on There Are Widows and There are Men so have this

Title: Lavender Haze

Song: Lavender Haze - Taylor Swift

Pairing: Billy Russo x Reader

Content: Cheating (Not from Billy or Reader), Mental Illness, Parental Trauma, Roomates to Lovers, Soft!Billy, Pet Names (Baby)

Billy Russo Taglist: @snowkestrel

~

Staring at the ceiling with you

Oh, you don't ever say too much

And you don't really read into

My melancholia

The room was quiet, almost dead silent if it weren’t for your occasional sniffles. Tears stained your face and the feeling of them drying made you want to tear your skin off. The sensation was all too much but you couldn’t get yourself to move. If you weren’t catatonic you would’ve called Billy. Nothing short of begging him to be by your side. You were a struggling uni student and you had met each other at some party your friends had snuck into. The pair of you got along, bonding over shitty childhood experiences.

You were curled in tightly under Billy’s covers. Unable to make it to your own room before collapsing, your girlfriend of six years had slipped up and you discovered she was cheating on you. The incident brought back flashbacks of your parents. In an instant you were three years old again, your parents were cheating on one another and your mum brought your dad a one way plane ticket to his parents. It was painful to say the least and one of the reasons you were scared to date, but you thought with her it would be different.

The sound of the door opening and the beeps as the alarm disabled filled your ears. The sound of Billy’s footsteps making his way to his room. Had had called out your name, poking his head into your room. Your body echoed him, calling out your name. Leading him to find you, lifeless in his expensive silk sheets. Tear stained cheeks and a damp spot from where your head was laying. When he spotted you you could’ve sworn you saw a flash of panic in his eyes.

“Hey baby, what happened?”

You couldn’t move your head to look at him, no matter how badly you wanted to. Being catatonic always scared you. It felt like you were a statue being gawked at.

I’ve been under scrutiny

You handle it beautifully

All this shit is new to me

Billy had refused to touch you, instead he gently peeled away the layers of blankets you had been stuck under. Despite being unable to express it you were grateful. You had been overheating for a while now and wanted nothing but to feel the air.

“I’m going to put one of your shows on. Then I’m gonna get changed and check your plan okay?”

Billy knew you couldn’t respond but whenever you found yourself catatonic he always treated you like you could respond. Knowing that you hated being dehumanised. When it first happened he had panicked, not knowing what to do. You had received a letter from your father and fell into an episode. After you had come out of the episode you say Billy down, explaining that you had been diagnosed with catatonia along with major depressive disorder as a teenager. When Billy had found out he went to Curtis for help. The latter had helped him do all the research he need. You had discovered this upon seeing a small notebook Billy had left out, emergency services, symptoms, what to do during an episode, episode recovery and all other information he had found messily scrawled in. It had shocked you for two reasons. One being that Billy was usually such an organised person and this notebook looked like the inside of your mind, second being no one had ever done this for you.

I feel the lavender haze creeping up on me

Surreal, I’m damned if I do give a damn what people say

No deal, the 1950s shit they want from me

I just wanna stay in that lavender haze

When Billy returned he had walked in front of you, kneeling down so he was eye level with you. He was in nothing but a pair of sweatpants that hung low enough to see his adonis belt. Raising a hand to your hair he brushed your hair back. If on cue you had repeated the movement. Echopraxia. When Billy first learned that it was a symptom of your catatonia, he was shocked. The two of you were at dinner with Frank and Maria, two of Billy’s friends. He had placed a hand on your leg and you copied him. It had caused both of you to blush and when Billy tried to explain, you had mimicked his voice. Maria, who was versed on your condition after Billy had brought it up to her when asking for help had explained that you were experiencing echolalia and echopraxia. It had you relieved as you didn’t want Billy to believe that you were making fun of him. Since that moment Billy decided that Maria was his new source of information.

All they keep asking me (all they keep asking me)

Is if I’m gonna be your bride

The only kinda girl they see (The only kinda girl they see)

Is a one night or a wife

When Billy had made sure you were okay and your breathing wasn’t obstructed, he had gone over to the other side of the bed. Ripping the covers all the way off and tossing them on the floor, opting to clean them once you were settled. Turning his attention to the TV he smiled, loving the idea of his roommate watching sitcoms with family dynamics. He had heard tales of your childhood and they were far from pleasant. Moving over to you, he pulled your body up. Sitting you up so you could see the TV, making sure you were comfortable as he did so.

The two of you ended up falling asleep like that. You worn from walking in on your girlfriend with her tongue down someone else’s throat and Billy from running training drills all day. When you woke the next morning you were met with the sweet smell of cinnamon and chocolate. You attempted to find move your fingers and to your relief you could. Slowly standing up, careful to not take it too fast, you stretched your arms over your head. Pulling out all the kinks and knots that had found themselves residence in your body. Grabbing a cane that Billy had placed against the wall you began your way into the kitchen. The source of the delectable scent.

I find it dizzying

They’re bringing up my history

But you aren’t even listening

Billy had music playing through a bluetooth speaker, situated happily at the kitchen stove. A pan over the heat with an unknown substance inside. You called for him softly, your voice hoarse from being unable to drink. As he turned around, a grin crossed his face.

“Morning baby, made you some cinnamon french toast and hot chocolate, your favourite!”

The excitement in his voice made you love him even more. It was a Thursday and you knew he usually worked on these days, but he had stayed for you. To look after you and make you feel loved.

“You didn’t have to”

Eyes trained on him as he turned the stove off, transferring the last of the toast to a plate with a stack of the stuff on it. In one hand he took the plate and in the other he grabbed two mugs of what you could only assume to be hot chocolate. You watched as Billy walked to the lounge room, setting your breakfast down before stepping over to you. A hand on your waist and another in your shoulder he walked you to the couch. Making sure you were comfortable before sitting opposite you. As he turned the TV on, finding the show you were watching yesterday and pressing play. He picked up a mug of hot chocolate. In the steaming liquid there was a straw, the loops making you giggle like a little kid who just found glitter. Billy shuffled closer to you, bringing the straw to your lips waiting for you to take a sip. You had done your best, wanting to impress him. You felt the warmth before you tested the chocolate. It took some effort to swallow but you had done it. Billy placed your mug down, smiling widely and whispering small congratulations. You didn’t even have a moment to thank him before he pressed his lips to yours. Melding together effortlessly.

I feel the lavender haze creeping up on me

Surreal, I’m damned if I do give a damn what people say

No deal, the 1950s shit they want from me

I just wanna stay in that lavender haze

As Billy pulled away you could feel his eyes on you. As if he was waiting for you to slap him and yell. Instead you gave him a small smile, grinning like a lovesick school boy.

“Wow…”

One word yet it held so much weight on your tongue. A small chuckle left Billy’s lips. He looked down at you, a toothy grin on his face. He leant down to you, whispering in your ear.

“Sorry if I overstepped”

Words couldn’t convey how much he didn’t overstep. So instead you took his head in shaky hands, pulling you towards him and moulding your lips once again.

Talk your talk and go viral

I just need this love spiral

Get it off your chest

Get it off your desk

Talk your talk and go viral

I just need this love spiral

Get it off your chest

Get it off your desk

“Billy, my episode… it was triggered because I found my girlfriend cheating on me”

Your voice a harsh whisper. The words like venom coating your tongue. You hadn’t wanted to admit it to him. It would come out either way though, he was Billy Russo after all.

“We’ll take it slow, work together. I’ve never exactly had a long term relationship either baby. I promise you this though, I will never and I mean never choose anyone else over you. From the moment you stumbled into my arms four years ago at that party I knew you’d be the only one I want. I hate that she didn’t give you what you deserve and I will do anything to prove that you are the world to me”

A tear escaped your eyes. He wiped it with his finger, leaning back to get the plate of toast. He had cut it the same way your mum used to. Into thirds or soldiers as she had called them. You were shocked he had remembered, it was a conversation you had while running off little sleep. He picked up a piece of toast lifting it to your lips. As the bread met your lips you bit down, the cinnamon coating your tongue. This was love, this beautiful haze you were in with Billy.

#billy russo #billy russo imagine #billy russo x reader #billy russo fluff #the punisher imagine #ben barnes #the punisher #x reader #mentally i’ll reader #comfort fic #billy russo x yn #billy russo comfort #ben barnes x reader #ben barnes imagine #bin bons #catatonic reader #x yn

[unlikelyjapan]

s2e6 rewatch notes - part 1

I'm breaking this up over two days (for length, clarity, and my own mental health) - I pause and scribble my way through scenes as I go, so there may be a few repeats here and there.

Natalie's bereft face in the opening, attempting to disassociate but failing miserably because that's not her coping style. She obviously doesn't even smoke by the way she's holding the cigarette, she just does it because - much like working inside a commercial kitchen - it's the only legitimate excuse for a break from the chaos. Both she and Mikey act like they've just exited the fog of war (because they have) and - unlike Carmy - they've never had the emotional or material means to escape it.

Sugar's "No one can make anyone else act a certain way" comment to Mikey - it's very clear that they perceive mental illness from very different angles. Mikey admonishes Natalie for her check-ins as an attempt to blunt/control Donna's outbursts, and Sugar's skepticism of Mikey's strategy of just riding the lightning/ignoring the outburst (while acknowledging that he and Carmy have more success, but she attributes most of that to being the female middle child of a grievously ill female narcissist).

Carmy coming out = a hot mess of family dynamics. He asks Mikey (innocently enough) to come in and handle the crowd by being "fun cool guy" and Mikey assures him that he will, but with a vacant look in his eye (no wonder this man was on drugs, what other choices was he afforded?). Fak is literally yelling indistinctly inside, upping the chaos, as Richie bursts outdoors amidst the three siblings to ask if "there's any family shit going on that he should know about".

Along with just trying to be ok themselves, these three adult Berzattos are a magnet for every other wayward adult-child who needs a home to reckon with their own trauma, and their inclusion becomes their problem as well and only ups the frequency of the despair. Mikey literally makes space for the three of them by dismissing Richie "for a minute", and you can tell that's not normal protocol.

"Would it kill you to pick up the phone?" - Carmy is already wounded by Mikey more than 4 years before his death. You can immediately tell by Mikey's earnest response (along with his previous discussion with Sugar) that he was just keeping Carmy at arms length to ensure he never returned, to spare just one of them from a life of hardship. In spite of everything else we see about Mikey and how poorly he manages his trauma in this episode, he is an inherently good brother who started early in inciting loathing in the person he loves above all others just to save him.

I wanted to peek behind the "Our Mother of Victory, Pray for Us" bit, as you know damn well it wasn't selected by Storer by accident. The whole idea is that Mary, the Mother of Victory "pleads our cause with a mother’s heart and concern with whatever we bring her. Confident that Our Lady’s prayers are always heard we pray"

I may be reading too much into this, but that's a whole fuckton of power projected onto Donna. Even though it's said in jest, its maternal compassion and mercy that was never extended to the Berzatto kids. It could also be seen as "only Donna's prayers are heard and answered" (through the placating and emotional gymnastics performed by her children) so they utter this little prayer to her as much as they do to God - for control, for relative calm, for the day to simply be ok. They know better than to expect much more than that.

What is the actual point of Fak and Ted? I mean this narratively. I know that the Ricky actor who plays Ted originally worked on the set of The Bear in S1. Did the producers think they had an awesome "boys club" vibe and just plop them in as chauvinistic comic relief? Or is this part of a long-con? Do Fak and Teddy embezzle all of The Bear's money and retreat to Hawaii or something? Right now it's giving "Matty Matheson needs to sell more cookware" and I need a reason for this set-up, as the rest of the players offer more than enough relevant chaos to the episode.

Also, when they ask "Mrs. B, are our skateboards in here? Can we sleep over?" as Donna is cycling in the kitchen - Matty Matheson is in his 40's, so he time-traveled back to a rough-looking 35 to freeload off of his fake-besties Mom and aid in her spiral? I don't get the age timelines/ideas on what arrested development in this show are anymore....

"Say the fucking words" - ooof. I feel like a lot of ink has already been spilled on what the word "love" means in the Berzatto realm, but no wonder Carmy can't comprehend it even when it's right in front of him. Love to him is sacrifice and struggle, panic attacks, pacifying meltdowns, idealization and inevitable betrayal (hello other shoe!), and just saying the word because it diffuses an argument - not unlike rubbing one's chest.

So....what's the likelihood that the abusive chef at EMP is just a projection of Donna living rent-free in Carmy's head at this point? The way she lobs the ball at Carmy with all of the elements that need to be swapped when the timer goes off, the practical matters of running a high-pressure kitchen trailed with jests and insults and total emasculation. Yeah...I think it's pretty high up there.

The second Richie and Carmy trade off the homemade Sprite (before Carmy can grab the prosciutto and mortadella that his mom asked for 2 seconds ago) is just enough silence for Donna to feel abandoned and start unravelling again/start screaming about moving the pot. I can't quite place my finger on the weird amalgam of mental illnesses they gave this woman (hit me up, psych majors) but if its not over-scripted/acted, its a lot.....

Richie and Mikeys "Just take a break from being a mopey little fuck" - phew, these dudes really think that a high-school chick will be Carmy's salvation.

"I don't have a love of my life?" Carmy doesn't even flinch or show recognition of who they're talking about at first, and then it dawns on him that they've probably embarrassed him and he wants to crawl in a hole and die (which is the most honest feeling expressed this episode to date).

And wow. Donna intercepts the whole thing by throwing a spoon at Stevie and screaming "Richard, bring her the fucking pop!" - a.k.a the title of the previous episode with the house party. Those words ended the gang's harassment re: Claire, but then future Carmy willingly waded right back into the abyss of thoughtless conversations, bullying, projections, others' expectations, and the terrible Christmas.

Ok, that's it for now - I'll be back on my bullshit tomorrow.

#the bear fx #the bear season 2 #the bear spoilers #the bear #carmen berzatto #carmy x sydney #carmy berzatto #mikey berzatto #sugar berzatto #the bear fishes #syd x carmy

[omegalomania]

hey gang what time is it its time for another joe trohman podcast. this actually came out like a month ago but i missed it until isa linked it to me and because i like doing these heres a highlights reel

the host says he appreciates that joe opened the book with the question of whether or not satan fucked his wife to which joe replies "well you know, when you have kids, sometimes you wonder that. you truly wonder what are these demons. i love my children btw they're phenomenal."

sometimes it does get tiring playing the same songs over and over. joe says that "thnks fr th mmrs" has a really good energy and tempo that keeps it exciting to play live

he talks about playing a really short iheartradio christmas show pre-pandemic and nobody in the crowd knew "sugar we're goin down" since they were only familiar with the more recent hits like "centuries" and "uma thurman" and joe said that it made him fall in love with sugar all over again in a weird way ldjfldkfd

he laments recently getting the chance to see wu-tang, nas, and busta rhymes at the hollywood bowl but he didn't go

his love language is giving gifts! he got his brother a custom drum set (which his mom attempted to throw out)

he reiterates that when writing the book he didn't want to be mean to any of his bandmates cause he likes them and thats not what the book is about! the host makes a joke: "like how you guys had that threesome with simple plan...i understand, you don't wanna get into that!" joe is offended that he clearly doesn't know how many guys are in simple plan. "there's more than three guys in there! the orgy was far larger than you give it credit!"

he doesnt remember any other names that the band could have been called but he does think fall out boy is a pretty terrible name for a band. "i can't believe i'm in a band called fall out boy."

discussions of the band origin and how joe funded it with his bar mitzvah money ("fall out boy, funded by judaism!") but when asked about financial gains from the band he says they all split everything evenly and it's one of the things that's helped them last this long

talking about scott ian and the damned things and he talks about how managing a supergroup is like herding cats because everyone is so busy with their respective groups. he says he'd LOVE to do a third damned things record though!

he talks about how weird it was to have this boy band aspect to them when they were at their peak pre-hiatus, because they were all hardcore kids and punk kids.

he recalls that around this time patrick asked their manager, with visible concern, "are we...the nsync to panic at the disco's backstreet boys?"

he's glad that they've outgrown that and kept pushing forward and looking forward, and by now they're no longer a boy band. "we're a man band!"

he thinks it's kind of neat to see the emo movement of the aughts become nostalgic and cool now ("it was not fucking cool when we were doing it [...] we stuck around for long enough to Not Be Lame"), but it's a big thing for fall out boy that they do not want to be a nostalgia act and they want to keep making new albums.

the host semi-jokingly says "so you and panic at the disco are not gonna go out on tour, is what you're saying." joe says "no" very flatly and i lose my shit.

he denies that fall out boy is working on any specific new music. he says they're just piecing things together organically and that no real album has coalesced. (note: this episode aired 11/12, ~2 weeks before the fob8 tribune ad)

he talks a bit about working with brian posehn on the axe and how much he loved doing it! he calls the whole story a metaphor for dealing with pain and trauma and the different ways there are to confront that stuff. he said the axe is coming out as a trade "soon" so people who don't have a subscription to heavy metal can read it

his first concert was tom petty and the heartbreakers when he was 10 or 11

he says the two things that matter most for a band's live show are the drummer and the singer. he then proceeds to be extremely sweet about patrick and andy.

"patrick, he's incredible, he's so gifted, and he's worked so hard with his voice lessons and figuring out how to sing from the diaphragm properly, and he really knows how to work through when he's sick and having real issues, so he's quite a trooper."

"and andy is just a great drummer. when he thinks he's had a bad day i'm like...yeah. sure. i don't think you know what that is."

he did not get laid in high school. first time was in a shared tour bus, listening to testament (a thrash metal band), when he was 19. (they never saw each other again)

since testament was the soundtrack the host asks if he ever gets a reaction whenever joe hears chuck billy (testament's lead vocalist). joe says without missing a beat, "when i see him i do, that's for sure."

he is an avid bowler. he has a wristguard and a spare ball and he used to take lessons. he calls it great stress relief!

#fall out boy #joe trohman #*making poasts #the pros of this podcast is that joe is zooming the whole time so u can see his pretty pretty face #the cons is that the hosts make some pretty off color remarks lol #joe is very gracious with them though he plays it off pretty well #i just rly rly love joe talking about this kind of stuff like i appreciate his approach #hes very empathetic and i envy that #hes also so glib and candid and approaches everything w humor and i Relate To That #lot of talk about mental health and addiction and trauma and stuff and a lot of it was rly insightful #but this is just the cliff notes so im mostly grabbing the zingers here #ty isa for alerting me of this!!

[curator-on-ao3]

I never came back from Among the Lotus Eaters

I see now, in hindsight of SNW season two, that Among the Lotus Eaters was a breaking point for me.

First, that episode needed to transition Batel and Pike from … whatever they were … to a deeper relationship. And what did the episode do?

It hung their issues on not enough time for each other. (How many dinner parties has this man thrown?)

It made Pike a commitment-phobe. (Really? Pike? Y’all sure you meant second season Pike not second season Picard?)

It undercut Pike as a captain as well as his pain dating back to The Cage. (Say, fellas, is it okay to leave your yeoman behind if someone at some point said he looked kinda dead?)

Here’s the thing. I would have bought the episode starting with Batel and Pike having an adult discussion about how they could have hated each other after Una’s arrest and trial but they don’t. They’re still drawn to each other. Then I would have bought Pike’s relationship hesitancy being due to his concerns about his fate — and Una later calling him out on his potential fears for longer-term intimacy when he believes his days are numbered. (And if the show backtracks to make this Pike’s motivation, I’m gonna call bullshit because it should have been there from the start. I’ve seen a thousand stories about commitment-phobes. But a story about a person frightened to hurt someone they might be falling for because of a known timeline to the end? That’s actually interesting.)

Then, I would have bought Pike on the planet holding the necklace and feeling that he had unfinished business — the adult discussion with Batel (as opposed to love that, due to his own fears, hadn’t yet been grounded in the reality of the episode).

Second, the episode has the hero moment of Erica figuring out that she flies the ship. Okay, putting aside that other people can and do fly the ship (ahem, Una), this was an incredible opportunity for Erica to have a totem to remind her of why she cares about flying, not just that she does it. Give us a goddamn model airplane or a book about birds or an action figure of Erika Hernandez — something. Anything. Let us get to know Erica better. This missed opportunity stings.

Third, the trauma repetition was painful. The guy on the planet lost his whole family? Dude, he’s the three-way pointing Spider-Man meme with two members of the away team — M’Benga and La’an. What are the odds of all three of them having the same trauma (and not discussing it)? I don’t know, but it was lazy as shit. (Note: Uhura has the same trauma. Una might, per her service record. Enough already.) Make that guy the former king and he’s somehow responsible for the memory loss rock landing and plaguing the planet. Make him a doctor who saved Zac’s life and therefore plunged the planet into tyrannical rule. Again — something. Anything. Just make it unique instead of repetitive. (And if he had saved Zac’s life by some extreme means, that could even possibly excuse Pike for breaking the essential promise of Starfleet by leaving a crewmember behind.)

There’s more. There’s so much more. There should have been a line, at least, about Una being affected by the radiation when her body could clear radiation before. There should have been recognition that Pike was going down to the planet underprepared — again — by cutting the number of people on the away team. There should have been console warnings flashing that, I don’t know, the warp core was in danger since no one in engineering knew who they were or how to do their jobs.

This episode began the season’s beats of Pike being a crummy captain and a crummy boyfriend. It continued the trend of underutilizing Erica, even when she’s there. It forgot the show’s own internal realities. And I am big mad about that because this clutch point of an episode could have been different. It could have been better.

#star trek strange new worlds #star trek strange new worlds season two #among the lotus eaters #among the lotus eaters haters #christopher pike #marie batel #erica ortegas #i am a voyager fan so i have been gaslit by trek before #(tom paris has always loved the ocean) #(chakotay has always loved boxing) #(kathryn janeway would totally choose to endanger her crew rather than turn off the holo-vibrator she’s suddenly calling her boyfriend) #i thought snw would be better than that #i started this season liking pike #even though the show started undercutting him with last season’s finale #STOP MAKING YOUR HERO AN ASSHOLE #he can be complicated without being a jerk to his girlfriend

[schmirius]

okay but what if... a different ofmd s2

I tried several times to make a less tl;dr version of this post, but it's not happening. BEHOLD: a season I just like better. It fixes things that I personally didn't like (and I have a strong Ed and Izzy bias). I wanted to do a few major things:

Keep 2x01-2x03, because I love them so damn much. this unfortunately sets the stakes *really high* for the rest of the season, so...

Rework the characters that canon s2 introduced, to be able to focus more tightly on the Revenge's response to the 2x01-2x03 atom bomb.

Give Ed and Stede more focused arcs (individually and as a couple). Ed and Stede were, emotionally, at completely opposite poles in 2x01-2x03, and in canon I think they didn't connect much after that. So in my version, they'll do basic work to understand why their s1 meet-cute failed and how they can move on to having a real relationship.

Address Ed's very vividly depicted violence from 2x01-2x02. I found the amends depicted in canon somewhere between "unsatisfying" and "horrifying." Jesus did I need to fuck around with that!

the three major acts in the season:

ACT 1 (2x01-2x03) – Trauma! These episodes remain largely the same as in canon.

ACT 2 (2x04-2x06) – Recovery I've edited these episodes so Ed + Stede are entirely separated from Izzy + the Crew. This gives the OTP space to work on themselves and their relationship. Likewise, Izzy has space away from Ed to go through his arc of self-discovery and consider if he wants to reconcile with Ed. Izzy and the Crew all get a chance to recover from The Trauma on their own, together as a community. ACT 3 (2x07-2x08) – Reconciliation Act 2 has given everybody time to process Act 1 and how they might come out of it as better versions of themselves and a stronger community. Now the OTP and the Crew reintegrate and, in the 2x08 climax, prove all their work has been worth it by fighting together against an external menace. (It's Hornigold. It's got to be Hornigold. This is so obvious to me.)

* * * THE CHARACTERS:

Each crew member is talented brilliant incredible showstopping spectacular, but in the interest of brevity, the characters in the imaginary episodes are going to be:

Ed and Stede → The OTP – Ed and Stede as a couple. Color-coded red so you can follow their arc.

Izzy

The Crew, who begin in Act 1 as three separate crews:  → the Castaways (everybody Ed marooned/tossed overboard at the end of s1) → the Breakup Boat (everybody from canon s2 on the Revenge with Truly Insane Ed → the Girls (introduced below)

THE BOATS:

Most episodes are going to have two plots running, taking place on two ships:

The Revenge

The Pearl Diver (again, below)

Last terminology note: I'm going to be comparing "canon episodes" vs. "imaginary episodes" or "new episodes" a bunch.

Ready? Alright, let's kick it.

* * *

ACT 1 – 2x01-2x03 – TRAUMAAA

Ed + the Breakup Boat: The action on the Revenge remains basically the same, with the torture and the murder-suicides and all the crimes. Stede + the Castaways: I'd cut the Republic of Pirates in 2x01. Instead, I'd start with everyone at sea on the ship that rescued them (which also creates an atmosphere of everyone still being trapped by the awful shit that happened in 1x10). What ship? I think introducing Zheng the historical pirate is a really cool idea, but I also think it's one idea too many. Zheng's objectively cooler and more successful ship is always, implausibly, overshadowed by the lovable misfits on the Revenge, since the Revenge is the workplace that the show is about. This is annoying to me (and probably Zheng). Instead I'd make the rescue ship one of equal goofiness: Mary and Anne's ship. I'll call it the Pearl Diver, just because I can. We can lift the formula from Ed's ship in s1:

s1: gay men // s2: lesbians!

s1 power couple on the ship is Ed+Izzy // s2 is Mary/Anne

s1 crew members who later join Revenge are The Boys, Fang+Ivan // s2 will have the Girls, a surgeon and her competent sailor girlfriend. one of them is a trans woman, I said so

the set is just the Revenge with different props on, lol

Okay, that's our lesbian ship set up. It'll last five episodes and be a very easy foil for the Revenge. Stede: His 2x01-2x02 bit seemed to be "I love Ed, I'll get back to him no matter." I'd push that harder. New s2 will open with Stede as a brave romantic adventurer sallying forth into true love (the same way he was a brave romantic adventurer sallying forth into piracy in s1). So: "I love Ed, I'll get back to him no matter, and the force of our newfound love will be what straightens this all out." The OTP:  Ed and Stede are both hopeless romantics, of course, but they're coming at it from opposing genres. Ed thinks he's the doomed villain in a big-R Romantic novel. Stede thinks he's the little-r romantic hero in a bodice-ripper. Their job in new s2 is to shift ideas of self & genre to meet somewhere in the middle.

ACT 2 – 2x04-2x06 – RECOVERY

I think a lot of what s2 tried in mid-season succeeded, but it didn't really add up to anything. In order to advance Ed and Stede's arc(s), I'd isolate them from the Crew. This gives everyone space to start clearing up the Act 1 wreckage.

(quick 2x03 note:) The major change I'd make here here would be moving the Breakup Boat crew off of the Revenge sometime mid-episode so they can recuperate on the Pearl Diver instead. They get to leave the trauma boat, which gives them and us the audience some breathing room as we transition out of the murder-suicide portion of the season. In the Pearl's infirmary they meet the Girls – surgeon and girlfriend – and reunite with the Castaways. There's a palpable sense of each group feeling isolated from the others.

2x04 – really intense cleanup

Time skip: The Breakup Boat crew have been declared physically recovered enough to start repairing the Revenge (and therefore prepared to grit their teeth and return to the scene of their trauma). The Castaways offer to help; the Girls come along in solidarity with their new friends. The Revenge: (this is also 2x04 in canon) Izzy never left the wrecked ship, is doing Bad. The three separate crews do ship repairs, but then come together as one Crew to declare Izzy their unicorn.

The Pearl Diver: (this story has no equivalent in canon)

Ed: never leaves the Pearl's infirmary, is doing Bad. He's trying to come to grips with the fact that he did all that shit, the kind that his dad and Hornigold used to. Stede: is focused on telling Ed about their true love rather than trying to understand how awful Ed feels, to the point that he's telling his newfound love~ story super loudly to avoid talking about Ed's pain.

The OTP: They have a moment where they stop talking past each other.

Ed hears Stede when he says that he really does love Ed. (Ed doesn't necessarily believe it, but he's willing to listen.)

Stede hears Ed when Ed says he feels trapped worse than ever (though he's weirded out Ed thinks he's a doomed villain). (Stede, our favorite Ed stan, literally doesn't care what Ed did except as far as how Ed feels about it.)

2x05 – letting loose

Time skip! Again, everyone looks slightly less haggard. The Revenge: (this is 2x06 in canon; I've moved it to 2x05) The Crew: have Calypso's birthday, paid for with the treasure they wouldn't throw overboard in 2x01 because it's their treasure and not Ed's, ffs. Joyful, queer, "we're surviving, we're getting through this together." Izzy+Ed: I'm aiming to untangle the shitty parts of their codependency and eliminate Ed's outright domestic abuse. I read canon s2 as Izzy fully untangling himself from Ed and then presenting Ed as a gift to Stede, and I did not like that for anyone. I'm aiming to conclude new s2 with Izzy+Ed acknowledging how bad it was at the end (with a little more emotional insight than they might have been able to do in s1 – maybe this huge event in their lives leads to self-reflection and growth!) and how they could move forward maybe as very complicated friends. Izzy's going to be taking the lead on this one, because the codependency very much ended in Ed doing violence to him. He gets to decide what the fuck happens. So: Izzy: is finally somewhere without Ed, first time in 30 years. Now that he's been unicorn'd (feels supported), he has room to unwind and start discovering what he might like to do. So he does drag. And also sings about his complicated feelings for Ed, come on, Izzy has love for him. In new s2, Izzy still gets to bloom, but he remains closer in personality to his grumpy cunty s1 self, not quite consciously understanding how he's changing. The Pearl Diver: (this is 2x04 in canon; I've moved it to 2x05) The OTP: have the bonkers Mary/Anne dinner party (their f/f co-captain counterparts). They do their awkward exes bit. In canon s2, they see Mary/Anne as "these guys are so weird, wtf"; in new s2, they're more like "these guys are so weird, omg. remember how weird we were last year? that was so fucking great." Conclusions:

Ed and Stede have more in common than they'd feared (since, like, 1x10)

They see they can be dramatic assholes in love like these bitches and that's great.

But also: maybe they need to be less self-centered than "burn down your ship which is your entire livelihood without considering that this might kill your crew." Maybe Mary/Anne rowing off cackling in a boat together (to, say, China) isn't the W they thought it was.

also also: caught up in the adrenaline of understanding they're mad lads, Ed/Stede do the impulsive "taking it too fast" (canon: 2x06) and BONE.

Lastly: The OTP ask to reboard the Revenge now that there's no Pearl Diver, mentioning hopefully that they've learned a lesson. The Crew are not convinced. They maroon Ed/Stede on land at close of ep.

2x06 – restucturing

The Revenge: (this plot is similar to Izzy+Stede's story in canon's 2x05)

Haven't thought of a frame story I like here, honestly. But the point of the episode is that Izzy helps Crew to be better pirates. This does two things:

Izzy's getting a chance to choose to manage people for himself, rather than as Ed's minder or Ed's goon.

Crew are getting competent advice from someone who genuinely gives a shit (Stede or Ed do not fit the bill). This allows them to keep running things in a fairly democratic structure where they do make decisions based on actually, for real, Talking Things Through.

Crew: consider what they're going to do about Ed and Stede – who maybe have had time to sort themselves out a bit? – replete with silly company restructuring metaphors.

Izzy: probably does shirtless swordplay considers how he wants to deal with Ed. Talking to Crew he decides that he, too, can try airing grievances with Ed in workplace metaphors. (It doesn't take much to convince him. Izzy will always love being a professional.)

On Land: (this episode has no equivalent in canon)

The OTP: in true OFMD style, they attend a modern couples retreat that has 18th c trappings. It is run by the straightest dude ever (Steve Carell levels of Kinsey 1 in 18th c khakis).

This dude is obnoxious, but he does remind them to strike a balance between demonstrating their love by talking through their needs (e.g. 2x04 infirmary, 2x05 dinner party) and by taking action (which will always be bonkers for them, like 1x09 act of grace, 2x05 impulsive boning). I'm thinking of it like: Ed/Stede realize they're whim-prone (as in canon 2x04), and also there's this tool nearby.

They're like, hey, actually I really love you, and make out sappily for a while then wonder, bemusedly, why they didn't do that before fucking a bunch. ("but the fucking was still good?" "oh yeah mate, we should definitely always be fucking")

Unfortunately: The retreat ends abruptly when they spot pirate hunters closing in on the B&B and have to make a run for it.

ACT 3 – 2x07-2x08 – RECONCILIATION

I really couldn't tell what canon was going for at season's end, starting from about "Stede kills Lowe" at the end of 2x06. I found a lot of it contradictory and kind of ass-pull-y. Major divergences to follow.

2x07 – reintegration

(this episode is similar to canon episode 2x05)

The Revenge: Having spent 2x06 thinking about what they want to do next, the Crew decide they can take on Stede + Ed on their flight from pirate hunters. Everyone's back on the boat. I'd probably make the frame story here something silly and light-hearted like the Cursed Red Suit. Everyone can mingle in groups that are different from the ones they started out in during Act 1 – permutations of people from the three distinct crews, Stede and Izzy and Ed thrown together with people they haven't seen in a while. These different groups can brainstorm deeply stupid solutions to this probably fake problem. I'd probably make the frame story here something silly and light-hearted like The Cursed Red Suit. Everybody can mingle in different groups and brainstorm deeply stupid solutions to this probably fake problem. Ed/Stede: Crucially, Stede and Ed aren't together in any of these groups. They separate and see everyone and understand that they're not, actually, in charge of Crew anymore. It's weird but okay. They both have to legitimately listen like they've been practicing all season. Ed doesn't apologize but he at least doesn't fuck with anyone, so that's... fine. Izzy+Ed: They haven't seen each other since the murder-suicide farrago in 2x02.

Izzy: "You can do the big gestures but you're a shit captain, Ed. You can't be there on the everyday stuff." (with subtext: you need to give a shit about me all the time, not just when I can be convenient to you.) It's not any kind of forgiveness, and Ed can't offer an apology because he still doesn't understand them. But this is Izzy saying he'll talk to Ed (with more pushback than canon's 2x06 "oh look it's scowly face").

Lastly: This has been a monster of the week ep where the first five minutes were like, there's a problem which will affect us in the future! and then the middle of the episode is, but it's not affecting us right now so let's do interpersonal stuff! Sadly, whoever they dump the Suit on at the end of the episode reminds them the problem still exists: the pirate hunters are worse than they thought. Hornigold is on their trail.

2x08 – IT'S REAL PERSONAL

(this episode has no equivalent in canon.) And here we reach the locus of all my frustrations!

Nose Guy doesn't exist in new s2, so we don't need to blow up the Republic with no foreshadowing as in canon 2x08

Zheng's awesome fleet doesn't exist in new s2. The foreshadowing that she was planning something incredible doesn't have to come to nothing like it did in canon 2x08, when her fleet also blew up with no foreshadowing. (what was that badass montage from canon 2x02 of her crew portaging ships thru the jungle even for ;_;)

Canon s2's sudden decision to make the stakes of the entire season "oh, uh, everyone wants to destroy piracy?" and completely ignore all the interpersonal problems set up in Act 1 – that doesn't happen!

Probably nothing in imaginary s2 will be as intense as 2x01-2x03 were. But new 2x08 will be a claustrophobic, high-pressure situation where everyone will have the resolutions they made in Act 2 tested, in a situation as dangerous as the worst of Act 1.

HERE WE GOOOOO Cold open on the Revenge:

A scene that looks about as bad as Ed's storm in 2x02: Izzy is dead from a headshot, Crew are panicking, Stede is alone and can only shout to Ed that he loves him from far away.

Ed is kitted out as Blackbeard at his worst – makeup and all – and seems ready to, again, blow the whole ship up. Viewer is perhaps worried that Ed has, again, lost it. We balance on the precipice!!

TITLE CARD!

Chronological start of ep:

Wind back the action!

Time skip from 2x07: The Revenge has been running from Hornigold for weeks, hiding themselves in ever smaller spaces as they get jumpier and jumpier about the pursuit. (Think on deck → main cabin → galley → the secret fucking deathbed under the galley.)

Ed, off by himself, is beside himself at the thought of meeting Hornigold for real once more. He failed to kill him all those years ago – what must he do now to solve the problem for good?

Intercut with Hornigold's ship:

Hornigold is chasing them, being a dick in his sumptious cabin. It's light on the action, heavy on letting us know who he is.

He's cruel and violent, like Act 1 Ed, except (a) he's less concerned about covering up his awfulness with charm and (b) he's perfectly open about "I hate this guy I used to own and I want to kill him" (about Ed) in contrast to Act 1 Ed not being able to say anything of the sort about Stede or Izzy.

We already know what kind of evil shit Hornigold used to pull because mostly-dead Ed told us in 2x03, so, you know, good enough.

Ed has to kill himself and also his dad again, lol, we get it

Climactic stuff on the Revenge!

Hornigold catches up to them; there's some fighting or whatever; it leads us up to the cold open. But then it pushes through to: it was all a fuckery!!

(do not ASK me what kind of fuckery. they are hard to write, they are both deeply psychological and incredibly goofy. This is just an outline of a fake season LEAVE ME ALONE)

Ed was a distraction, acting how Hornigold expected him to act! It works: Stede kills Hornigold!

The OTP: The murder addresses how each wants to deal with violence in their respective genres:

Ed, when he did patricide on behalf of someone he loved (mum) got caught up the cycle of dreadful murder and trauma he wanted to escape. And now he sees that he can – he's not the doomed Romantic villain!

Stede, in doing step-patricide on behalf of someone he loves (Ed), commits in a real way to ruthlessly murdering bullies. He's a swashbuckler! He definitely likes it! Finally, he's found a way to express romantic love in a grounded* way. (*by OFMD standards.)

It's a deranged pirate sitcom way of turning their tentative courtship into a healthy adult relationship.

Ed + Izzy:

During the fuckery: Izzy is playing murdered-by-Ed, so he's "dead" on deck (vulnerable) amidst the chaos.

Ed throws himself over Izzy to save him from getting shot.

This doesn't erase all the shitty things Ed did! It's a big gesture instead of an everyday thing, just like Izzy was complaining about! But it's definitely an indicator that Ed would prefer not to drive Izzy to suicide and Ed does, even, ask if Izzy's okay afterwards, checking him over, before someone else points out that Ed got shot.

Lastly:

With final approval from Izzy – after a lengthy pause where Izzy looks at Edward panting and bleeding on the deck – the Crew decide to journey forth to find Super Good Medicine to save Ed.

THERE ARE HINTS THAT s3 MIGHT SHOW US:

Blackbeard's historic raid on Charleston (who is playing Blackbeard at that point? who knows!)

Ed and Izzy working on being weird-ass friends again, but without so much murder-suicide

Stede and Ed finally talking about how they want to spend their life together: what's between retirement and piracy?

This is all pretty okay because new s2 ends in a hopeful place where nobody FUCKING DIED jfc where everyone's grown a bit but, as always, still has room to grow more.

the end!

#ofmd s2 #some fic #imaginary s2