#turns out we’d gone to 7th grade together

[myfriendthedictionary]

FORGET-ME-NOT (and it’s one of those things I can’t put my finger on but it’s there and it will haunt me until I figure it out) -Patroc

“FORGET-ME-NOT = You remind me of somebody”

Ahskdhsksdj that’s really funny! I’m now curious, so if you do ever figure it out, lmk haha!

Tysm for the ask!!

#i get those too all the time my memory is Bad #I hope it’s like. a good reminder and not like ‘oh no another one’ lol ahskd /lh #but i think either is fair #ngl this happens to me a lot tho but like it’s actually me #like one of my friends went to college in a completely different state and her roommate was like #and she saw a pic of me on hannah’s phone and was like. wait I know that girl #turns out we’d gone to 7th grade together #this is probably not the same situation AGSKDHSK #thank you for the ask!! #ask game #patroc (phoenix crimes) #mutuals #paige answers #paige.txt

[callme-barnes]

Beauty & Brawn (Part 5)

                                                                                                                                 Summary- You are the top scientist in all of New York, the one that no one knows. Going through the science field as a woman is hardly easy, let alone rewarding. You’re bombarded with misogynistic men who only see you as a pretty face, not knowing that you have the mind of a thousand scientists combined. That is until you meet Tony Stark, the genius billionaire who could quite possibly be the answer to your prayers, and your heart.

Pairing: Tony Stark x Reader

It’s been a while. Catch up here!:

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4

It was about 6 in the evening and you had officially been staring at the outfit lying on your bed for 40 minutes. This also included the not so healthy talking to yourself that you were having.

Why did you even think you could do this? Do you know how long its been since you’ve gone out? How long since you’ve last worn heels? You’re going to fall flat on your face and he’s going to laugh at you and your evening is going to go exactly like that.

You quickly inhaled and shut your eyes, forcing the negative thoughts to float into the back of your mind before you grabbed the dress and slipped it on over the nice black lingerie you had saved for a special occasion. Not that Tony was going to see your lingerie that evening, but it always felt nice to have something sexy on under your clothes just to give you that extra ounce of encouragement and self esteem.

The dress was long and curve hugging, cinching in at your waist and falling down loose past your hips. The slit going up your right leg was just high enough to show some skin but low enough to leave something to the imagination. It had a nice low U-shape neckline that flaunted your breasts but was also modest. You took in a deep breath and turned around to look in the mirror. It had been such a long time since you’ve seen yourself in anything even remotely fancy that it kind of made you nervous and giddy all the same time. Looking at the clock you saw you still had about an hour and a half to get ready so you walked over to your vanity and began to put on some makeup, turning on your favorite playlist and singing along to help release your nerves.

It was now 7:45 and you were ready to go. Your heels complemented your dress, and your hair fell nicely down your back in large loose waves. You heard the buzzer for your apartment buzz and you quickly took one final breath before quickly walking over and answering it.

“Hello?”

“Hello Ms. Y/L/N. I am here to escort you to dinner”

You smiled and rolled your eyes slightly at his tone and shook your head in amusement

“I’ll be right down”

You quickly walked over to your floor length mirror and checked everything again. You fluffed up your hair, did a couple of quick turn, reapplied some of your lipstick although it was already perfect, and then you grabbed your phone and your small bag and walked out into the elevator.

The ride down was full of anxiety and if anyone else was in the elevator with you you’re sure they would have felt all that energy rolling off of you like heat waves from the sun. The elevator ding sounded and you looked up seeing you were already on the ground floor. You took in one more deep breath in and then walked out when the doors opened. The first thing you saw was Tony’s figure. He was looking down at his watch and twiddling his fingers as though he was just an average man, nervous to to meet a woman for the first time. He never looked up and if anything he probably looked like he was gathering his own thoughts.

You walked over and put on a smile, tapping Tony on the shoulder and he immediately turned his head to take you in. His eyes roamed, from your head right down to the very tip of your feet. The gaze he was giving you made you nervous and you shifted under it before he cleared his throat

“Well if I’ve ever seen a more beautiful woman in my life I couldn’t remember”

You took the time to let out a nervous chuckle and looked down before looking back up at him

“Thank you. I wasn’t sure how fancy or how not fancy to dress so I’d say this is in between”

Tony shook his head and sent you a smile

“You look amazing. Even if we were going out to watch a movie or eat at a fast food restaurant I still wouldn’t even think about telling you since you might change”

His tone was one of playfulness and you smiled brightly at him

“Shall we?”

Tony quickly gathered his wits

“Sorry. Yes, yes we shall”

He stuck out his arm for you to take and you did so without a second thought. Talking to him was so effortless you couldn’t even remember why had you had been so nervous in the first place. You both walked out towards the front of your apartment complex and you saw his very nice black car. He opened the door for you, you sent him a polite thank you and he got into the driver’s side and you were off.

Dinner flew by and now you were both back at the tower going over Tony’s new idea

“I like it. I think it could help a lot of people by giving them access to clean water all the time. How much are we thinking this is going to cost for the countries that want to purchase it?”

“And that’s where you come in. See I want to do this as more of a humanitarian project. I don’t want this to cost a fortune, if those who need it can’t afford to have clean water now I wouldn’t want them to stress out about being able to purchase this mechanism. I want it to be affordable”

You pouted your lips out a bit and felt your thoughts racing before a light bulb went off

“We’d have to make it as biodegradable as possible. If you can locate the pieces we need that are either recycled or if they are pieces that are broke and going to be used for scraps, we could get them cheaper, I can fix them and then we wouldn’t have to charge an arm and a leg for it”

Tony nodded along before smiling

“And that’s why you’re working with me. I’ll start looking for suppliers tomorrow”

You smiled at Tony and fixed your dress. You were seated on top of the lab counter, your legs dangling and your mind racing with all the ideas that you has planned

“So Y/N, tell me more about you. I know the basics, I know you graduated at the top of your university on the Dean’s List. But how is it you’re so good at everything? I know I’m smart, but your brain kind of functions like a little computer and it’s the most, impressive thing I’ve seen in my life”

You looked up at Tony before smiling and wiped your hands on your thighs since they had since gotten sweaty from being alone in the same room with Tony

“Well, that’s because it practically is. When I was a kid, I used to get these horrible migraines in school and the longer I was in school the worst they got. Then in about middle school I had a moment in my chemistry class where we were dissecting an earthworm, and my vision kind of zoomed in a little and I was able to vividly see the entire system of how it worked and what was lying even beneath what the normal eyes could see. I started being able to solve Calculus problems without a piece of paper or a calculator by 7th grade. I just...I don’t know my brain kind of works where, if I’m asked something, I put everything together in my head, sometimes so fast where I don’t even register what I’m doing. I wouldn’t say I can see into the future or something, but my brain goes into overdrive and I’m able to kind of do trials in my head of every possible way something could go and I’m able to accomplish what I can because of that”

Tony was leaned back against the counter in front of you, listening to everything you were saying almost like he was trying to memorize all of it.

“What about family life? Any brothers, sisters? Mom? Dad?”

You furrowed your eyebrows and looked down

“None. Well, technically I do. But I don”t talk to them anymore”

“Why’s that?”

You took in a deep breath and looked up at him

“When I was in 7th grade, my counselor at school spoke to my parents about me. At first it was because there were complaints from my teachers, saying I must be cheating during tests or cheating during spelling bees and science competitions because I never missed anything. But my counselor was a nice older lady and I trusted her with what I was able to do. She believed in me so she told my parents I should be going to school at a math and science academy or a more top tier school. When I was younger we were poor. We were living 5 in a single room apartment, my mom, my dad, me and my two sisters. They signed me up into a great school like my counselor said. But I had to receive financial aid and scholarships because we weren’t able to afford it. Long story short instead of using the money I was receiving to keep me in school, they were keeping it to themselves and not paying my classes. We owed thousands of dollars to the school so I was kicked out and for high school I was back in public school”

Tony furrowed his eyebrows and looked down

“That’s insane. I can’t believe they’d do that”

“Neither could I. And it only continued in high school. I was getting prize money for doing inventions and projects and winning the competitions. But I never saw that money. I always figured it was the least I could do, since I lived under their roof and they were clothing me and feeding me. But one day I was unable to compete because my teacher wanted to give others a chance. My parents found out, they blew their shit, and I kind of became an outcast after that. I stopped enjoying science and just kind of did mediocre work. At 18 I left for college and I just never kept in contact”

Tony looked back up at you before exhaling, moving from his previous position to stand in front of you. You were so close you could feel his thighs brushing against your knees and you looked up at him

“Well it was a nice turn of events in a way. Now what they couldn’t appreciate I can. I...I know this might be inappropriate, and please, stop me at anytime, but you are the most gorgeous, smartest woman I’ve ever met. And I want to know more about you, and I want to help you reach any goal you want to conquer. I just, the short time you’ve been here has been so great”

You bit your lower lip

“Tony what....”

But before you were able to get your thoughts out, his lips came to yours and his hands moved to cup your cheeks to pull you closer. You were surprised and your heart was racing, but you felt your body instantly react and you kissed him back. Your hands moved to rest on his waist and he took that as an opportunity to pull himself closer to you. You could feel his heart beating against his chest and you melted deeper into the kiss. He pulled away and opened his eyes to look at you. You looked back but before he was able to say anything JARVIS spoke

“Mr. Stark, Fury is here. He’s called an emergency meeting and would like to meet in conference room 3″

You furrowed your eyebrows unable to decide if you should say something but Tony beat you to it

“He’s always had such amazing timing”

#iron man x reader #iron man drabble #iron man fluff #iron man imagine #tony stark x reader #tony stark drabble #tony stark imagine #tony stark fluff #marvel drabble #marvel imagine #marvel fluff

[big4girl]

The Promise

An idea that popped into my head. Enjoy some Hiccunzel fic.

****

“Hiccup?”

“Yeah, Rapunzel?”

“Promise that we’ll always be best friends?”

Little 8-year-old Hiccup smiled toothily at Rapunzel. “Yeah, I promise.”

Little 7-year-old Rapunzel held up her pinkie finger. “Pinkie promise?”

Hiccup wrapped his pinkie around her’s. “Pinkie promise.”

****

10-year-old Rapunzel stood on her front steps, crying.

11-year-old Hiccup stood in front of her. “Punzel, please don’t cry.”

Rapunzel sniffed. “But- but I don’t wanna move away! I wanna stay here, with you!”

Hiccup wrapped his arms around Rapunzel. She buried her face into his shoulder, coating his jacket with snot and tear. He didn’t care. “I promised that we’d always be best friends, remember?”

“Yeah...” Rapunzel said, muffled into his shoulder.

“Well, since you’re moving away, I think it’s your turn to pinkie promise.”

Rapunzel picked her head up, still sniffing, but smiled sadly at him. “Okay.”

Hiccup raised his pinkie.

Rapunzel wrapped her’s around his before bursting into tears again and jumping back into a hug.

****

“Here.”

Rapunzel looked over at Hiccup.

They were sitting on Hiccup’s roof, right across from Rapunzel’s house and close enough together to jump across back and forth.

She took the small box from his hand. “What’s this for?”

“Well,” Hiccup avoided her eyes. “Since you’re moving away tomorrow and I won’t get to celebrate your birthday with you this year, I thought you might like your present now.”

Rapunzel smiled at him and opened the box.

Inside sat a small ring with a sun on it. It had obviously been taken out of a gumball machine, but Rapunzel practically glowed as she picked it up.

“Hiccup I love it!” She exclaimed, hugging him.

Hiccup hugged her back.

“Hey, Hic?”

“Yeah, Punz?”

“Will you marry me someday?”

Hiccup was surprised at her question and took a moment to think about it.

“Yeah. Yeah, I will, someday.”

Rapunzel smiled at him. “Pinkie promise?”

Hiccup smiled back at her. “Pinkie promise.”

Their fingers interlocked one last time.

****

17-year-old Hiccup stood at his locker, pulling his history book out of it as his friends stood next to him, arguing.

“Ya really think tha’ Bunnymund will let us outta sprints taday? No way!” Merida said.

“He said that if one student can beat him in a race then we’ll get out of it for the rest of the month and I for one can bet that I can take that old hare.” Jack replied.

Merida and Jack were his two best friends. They’d started hanging out their freshman year when they all sat at the back of Mr. Pitchiner’s English class.

They spent the class making snarky remarks to one another and complaining about reading Romeo and Juliet (that they all secretly enjoyed).

“Care ta weigh in ‘ere, Haddock?” Merida asked before noticing the awestruck look on her friend’s face. “Er, Hiccup?”

Merida and Jack followed his gaze down the hallway where a long-haired blonde was walking, arms crossed over her books that were tight to her chest. It wasn’t hard to tell she was new and has no idea where she going.

“Close your mouth, Hiccup or you might start to drool.” Jack remarked, but Hiccup couldn’t hear him over the thousands of thoughts going through his head as the blonde came ever closer to them.

It was Rapunzel. It had to be. No one else he’d ever known had green eyes like her’s or the brightest blonde hair or- did she get braces? Her buck teeth were gone. He could tell by the way she bit her lip. Her freckles looked to still be there, though, if only he could get a closer look-

“Hiccup?”

The boy in question’s thoughts halted right there as Rapunzel stopped right in front of him.

“Rapunzel?”

He looked down at her hands and, sure enough, there on her finger was a plastic yellow ring with the sun on it.

Rapunzel smiled. “It’s good to see you! You got so tall! And are wearing contacts now, apparently.”

Hiccup laughed, scratching the back of his neck. “Uh, yeah, I got them in 8th grade. But look at you! You’re beauti- uh- um- very grown-up. Braces?”

“Yeah,” Rapunzel said. “Got them in 7th grade. Worst three years of my life. Worth it, though, I guess.”

Hiccup nodded, eyes not leaving her’s for a second. They were mesmerized with each other. It was like nobody else existed.

Someone cleared their throat beside them.

“Care to introduce us to your friend, Haddock?” Jack asked.

“Oh, uh, yeah. Rapunzel, these are my friends Jack and Merida. Guys, this is Rapunzel. She was-” Hiccup was suddenly hit with a memory. “She is my best friend.”

Rapunzel smiled up at him.

“And kind of my fiancee, in a way.”

Merida chocked on her sports drink. “Yer what?!”

Hiccup and Rapunzel laughed.

“It’s a long story.”

****

It was like she’d never left.

Hiccup and Rapunzel instantly fell into step with one another.

Sure, they had a lot to catch up on, but it was like they were little kids on the swing-set again.

Her favorite food was still hazelnut soup. Her favorite color was still purple. Her favorite movie was still “The Princess Bride”. She still loved to paint. And she still wore his ring.

“I can’t believe you kept that.” Hiccup said as they chatted during his lunch hour.

Rapunzel laughed. “I’d be surprised if it could come off my finger. I’ve barely ever taken it off since you gave it to me.”

Hiccup hadn’t changed at all, either, Rapunzel thought.

He still hated fish with a passion. His favorite color was still green. His favorite movies were still Star Wars. He still loved animals. And he was still the adorkable kid she loved.

“You two are sickeningly sweet, you know?” Jack said. “It’s making me so nauseous, I’m almost considering giving the rest of my hamburger to Merida.”

“Cool.”

“I said considering.”

Rapunzel laughed. “I think we’re going to be great friends, you guys.”

“Same ‘ere, blondie, same ‘ere.”

****

“Soooo” Rapunzel said as she and Hiccup walked out of the building after school. “Still wanna marry me?”

Hiccup laughed. “I pinkie promised, didn’t I? Those things are binding.”

Rapunzel shoved his shoulder with hers. “Seriously.”

Hiccup smiled at her. “Yeah. Yeah, I will. Someday.”

Rapunzel wrapped her pinkie around his. “Someday sounds good to me.”

#hiccunzel #Hiccup x Rapunzel #rapunzel x hiccup #Hiccup Haddock #Rapunzel #hiccup httyd #rapunzel tangled

[naysaltysalmon]

2019 was bitchin’

Writing a post to sum up my progress over the past year has become tradition ever since I started college in 2017. I’m not one to quit now.

This year, I dove into my religious studies more than ever. I enjoyed academia as a whole, and absorbed school at a level I haven’t ever been able to in previous years due to mental illness. I went to China to live and study in a Buddhist monastery -- something I never believed I could accomplish on my own financially or emotionally. But I did it! And it was definitely a life-changing event, one that changed me for the better.

I haven’t spoken much about what occurred while in China (except on a few Instagram posts), and though I gained a fuck ton of confidence in traveling, more importantly I gained a new perspective on (my) life. I got into a fight with my two closest friends. Both are friends I met in college freshman year. Why I was angry doesn’t matter to this post, but the important part is that I finally wracked up the courage to tell them my feelings, despite living under them in a foreign country. I got the two extreme reactions: 1) One friend said she was glad I told her how I felt and agreed, and we’ve become closer friends because of it. 2) The other... totally disregarded my feelings, and I’m dreading seeing him again (he’s been studying abroad in London).

Something the friend I’m on-the-outs with told me is that whomever you have as friends reflects on who you are as a person. I believe he’s right.

I lost a lot of friends again this year, just like I did in junior year of high school. And both times, it’s been for similar reasons: hiding my true desires until I couldn’t keep it in anymore, and then they turned on me when I finally told them. (More on that in a sec.)

Another big thing that I did this year was started going to a private therapist. Now, I’d gone to three school-sponsored therapists before my current therapist, but the goals of a school-sponsored therapist versus a therapist totally disconnected from the school are completely different. In April of this year, my last on-campus therapist and I decided it was time I see someone off-campus, being that I’d finally been able to work through the daily management of depression and anxiety, and now to get to the deeper underlying issues to these things, I would have to address my trauma.

Dealing with my trauma this year has not only made me more exhausted during school, but it has made me realize... just how many people have failed me.

While in the monastery in China, I had seven days of complete silence to meditate for over eight hours per day. We weren’t allowed to talk, make eye contact with anyone, or gesture to anyone else during this retreat, and I got to thinking about many things in my life. After that much silence, you really do think about everything.

I had some what you would call “religious” experiences -- but I won’t drawl on here. Mainly, I remember thinking a lot about the past, specifically one relationship that really fucked me up in high school around this time four years ago, in junior year of high school. She and I had been best friends since 7th grade, and we did everything together. I developed feelings for her -- but more than romantic feelings, I became familially -- and admittedly, codependently -- attached to her. The major problem with our relationship was that we never spoke seriously about anything. If one of us was having an issue, it was all jokes and smiles. I hid from her everything that I had been going through with my family for the entire time we were friends. And when I finally told her everything, blurting it all out in hundreds of long back-and-forth texts during Winter Break of junior year, the next time I saw her...

Nothing had changed.

It was still all jokes and smiles.

This year was the year of acceptance -- but that acceptance hasn’t been easy. Needless to say, our relationship didn’t last much longer after that. I’d not only confessed my romantic feelings to her, but shared things with her I hadn’t told anyone out of trauma-induced fear. And she’d ignored it all, not knowing how to continue on without ruining what we’d had.

All this time, I guess I thought it was my fault. Not only with this friend, but with my family too, with anyone who’s been my friend or said they would be there for me and they weren’t. By making it my fault, I had control of the situation. By convincing myself that it was just something I was doing wrong to get through to people, it made me feel less helpless. So I clung to that idea, that it’s been my fault this entire time. All these years.

Ten years ago, things changed in my family, which made it so I could no longer ignore the truth, living the same oblivious life riddled with a pain I didn’t understand and therefore avoided, believing it was just me. And all this time, I’ve still avoided my trauma as much as possible, knowing it only makes me depressed, and gets me vacant stares and flippant tangential conversation, even from the people I consider my “friends.”

I still hold myself accountable for the things that I’ve done -- but now... In spite of all my “gifts,” I’ve finally admitted to my own powerlessness in it all. I did what I did because I didn’t know how bad it was, because that’s how I was raised. It wasn’t my fault.

It wasn’t my fault.

...And with that, I welcome 2020 with open arms. I’m fully an adult now by society’s standards (some of you may know December 31st is also my birthday) -- but I feel, only just now, have I finally started to understand where everyone else was two years ago when they started college -- or in junior year of high school.

Me, in 2017? I was immobilized by my freedom, too scared to see what the world had to offer. Now, I’m exhausted, because I’ve only just reached the starting line.

I’m still alone, in many/most ways. That hasn’t really changed after all this time Coming back from China, after so many days of meditation I naïvely thought I could cast aside my fictional worlds and become a more forthright me overnight. The truth is, these stories are the only friends I’ve retained throughout the years.

I still need them for a bit longer, but in a different way... The friend who accepted my feelings not only in China but since then... even when we part ways, I know she’ll still be with me, unlike that “friend” from high school, or so many who have abandoned me at the first sign of trouble for the idea of me they had in their heads. Even though their significance -- both real and fictional -- has changed overtime, I’ll carry a piece of them within me forever.

This post is a lot longer than my previous year-end “reflections” -- I think that’s significant in and of itself. I’ve avoided talking about this stuff all this time, fearing it would alienate even the online world from me. Not anymore.

In 2020 and the decade to come, I’m looking forward to gaining more financial independence from my parents. I’m looking forward to no longer doubting whether the trauma I experienced was real. I’m looking forward to continuing to connect with people on a level that will provide me with the support I need and allow me to heal from the past. I’m looking forward to having more energy to pursue my classes, physical activities, and social interactions, now that I can more easily keep my mental illnesses at bay.

In 2020, I also want to work on stepping up my writing game, as it is my long-term goal to become an author one day -- of what, I’m not yet sure. It’s likely I still won’t be able to write much in 2020 due to being a college student majoring in a humanities department, but I’ll do my best to reignite the fire that’s been in me before. I hope to finish off Things I Don’t Understand once and for all, as it is a remnant of all my regrets in high school, and now a symbol of how far I have come.

One last thing I accepted this year and this decade is acknowledging my limitations, and how much help I need from other people. Trying to do things alone or expecting someone to do everything for you -- neither are realistic. In order to become the best version of yourself, you need to take care of yourself, which includes allowing yourself to be close with others.

Happy New Year, everyone -- and 21st birthday to me! 🍻

#Nay talks #personal #kind of a long one #positive and negative stuff in it #happy 2020 y'all

[catalinda04]

Carried Away Chapter 63: Honeymoon

Masterlist 

Lucy and Henry sat cuddled together in the movie room of the Lodge on Henry’s last day before leaving for filming in London. There was a movie playing on the screen, though neither of them cared about watching it.

    “Are you excited to be going back to London?” Lucy asked.

    “It will be nice to be back home, but it won’t be the same without you there.”

    “But you’ll be so busy with training then filming, you’ll barely have time to miss me. And you’ll have Kal to keep you company. I’ll be all alone here for nine weeks.”

    “You’re welcome to keep Kal with you,” Henry offered.

“No, it will be easier for me to close up the house, and get it completely clean without the bear in residence.”

“But, just think, by the time you get to London I’ll be almost done with filming and we can finally go on our honeymoon,” he teased.

“Are you going to tell me where we’re going? Fiji? Bora Bora? The Maldives? The Seychelles? Tell me!”

“You’ll just have to wait until June, my darling, though I can assure you, you will love it,” he said pressing his lips sweetly to hers.

Lucy laid her head on his chest to watch the movie playing on the screen. Her mind whirring with thoughts unspoken. “Henry?” Lucy asked, not lifting her head.

“Hmmm,” he responded absentmindedly.

“I know we haven’t talked about the “B” word since last Thanksgiving,” she said, his full attention suddenly on her, “but I was wondering what you thought about maybe trying on our honeymoon…” she trailed off.

Henry sat up, and paused the movie, wanting to give this conversation his entire focus. “I think that sounds like a great idea, but are you sure?”

“Why? Don’t you want to have a baby yet?” Lucy asked, concerned.

“I’m all for having a baby tomorrow if it were possible, I just want to know what you’re thinking.”

“I’m thinking I want to have a baby with you, and that at my age it might not happen right away, so if we want a baby, we should start trying sooner rather than later.”

“Why don’t we start trying right now?” Henry smiled.

“Mainly because I’m still on the pill. And I really don’t want to be suffering from morning sickness on my honeymoon,” Lucy laughed.

“I can see your point,” he smiled, “though we could practice trying…” he suggested, his eyebrows dancing mischievously.

“Practice does make perfect…” Lucy agreed.

April and May passed quickly for Lucy. She talked to Henry every night, and threw herself into her work in an effort to avoid missing him and Kal.

One day at the start of May, Lucy knocked on the door to the principal’s office.

“Good morning, Mrs. Cavill, what can I do for you today?”

Taking a seat in front of the desk, Lucy handed a piece of paper across the desk. “I’m here to submit my formal resignation, official as of the last day of school.”

He skimmed the paper and looked up at her. “I assumed this was coming. There’s no way we can persuade you to stay?”

“Sorry, but Henry and I want to start a family, and I want to be free to follow him on location, if I want to. Though we’re keeping the house here, so if we happen to land here for any length of time, I might put my name in to sub.”

“Well, we’d appreciate that. We’ll miss you Lucy. Though we still have almost a full month of class left, and a graduation. It’s kind of poetic that you’re leaving with your senior class.”

“I thought so too. It feels good to be going out on top, with such a great class.”

“They really are a great class,” he agreed. “Well, Lucy we hate to lose you, but I understand. We’ll have to plan something for the end of the year. How long are you sticking around this summer?”

“No time at all. I’ll meet Henry in London then we’re off to our honeymoon.”

“Oooooh, where are you going?”

“I don’t know! He won’t tell me!” Lucy exclaimed exasperated.

“That’s some husband to plan a surprise honeymoon.”

“He’s one of the good ones,” Lucy agreed.

“Well, I’ll let you get to it. I’m sure you’ve got a lot to do today. Thank you for letting us know early that you’ll be leaving. Have a great day.”

“Thanks Erik, you too.” Lucy said, shaking the principal’s hand.

Once Lucy confirmed that she wouldn’t be returning the next year, the students started trying to persuade her to stay.

“But, Mrs. C, if you leave, who is going to teach Spanish 2 next year?” One of her first year students asked.

“I don't imagine they’ll have any trouble filling the position. I just ask that you give whoever they get a chance, especially if that person is a first year teacher.”

“But we don’t want you to go,” another student protested.

“I’m sorry Amelia, but I’m leaving whether you want me to or not.”

“Well, I don’t like it.” The red haired girl replied.

“Guys, it’s not that I’m ecstatic about leaving you all, but my life is changing. I’ll be sure to come to games and events if I’m in the area.”

“You better.”

Before Lucy knew it, graduation had arrived. As a Senior class advisor, she had been instrumental in helping the students to plan their ceremony. She had helped more than one class elected speaker with their speech, and had filled out endless paperwork to order the supplies the students wanted.

Her homeroom students were getting themselves ready in her room. She circulated amongst them, straightening stoles, and pinning caps. Just before the group was to leave line up, she called for their attention.

“Ok guys, this is it. You did it. Congratulations. I’m so proud of all of you. It has been my pleasure to get to know you all over the last six years. Even though I’m leaving too, I don’t want you guys to be strangers. Please keep in touch, let me know about your successes, and feel free to ask me for help if you’ve had a failure. And if any of you find yourselves in London, look me up. I’ll buy you a pint.”

“Mrs. C!” Patricia exclaimed, scandalized.

“I’m not your teacher anymore, it’s fine. And in London you’d be legal, so even less of a deal. Now, line up, and remember, just like we did at practice.

Lucy followed the group to the school’s gymnasium, giving them their timings to process up to the stage. She took her place backstage to watch the administrators give their speeches, and the students speak confidently about their time at the school. She held back her tears as she watched her “kids” receive their diplomas and switch their tassels.

The time came for the students to make their exit out to the school’s front lawn, when, Daniel, the class president approached the podium. Lucy had no idea what was going on, this hadn’t happened at practice that morning.

“Thank you again parents, friends, family, and teachers. Before we go, there is someone else the class would like to thank. Mrs. Lucy Cavill has been one of our advisors since 7th grade. She has spent countless hours, over the last six years, facilitating fundraisers, and class trips, chaperoning dances, and in one memorable instance she spent an entire weekend letting us throw whipped cream pies at her face. She has always been willing to help us, even if it wasn’t her subject area. She has been tough on us, and we are better for it. Mrs. Cavill is leaving with us this year. We didn’t want her to leave without letting her know just how much she has meant to us,” he turned to motion Lucy to the podium. “Mrs. Cavill, if you’d come here please, the class has something for you.”

Lucy’s eyes were shining with tears as she approached the young man at the podium. She gave him a hug, and he motioned to the other side of the stage where two girls, both wearing Superman capes over their graduation gowns, were walking toward her. One girl carried a huge bouquet of tulips in every color imaginable. The other carried a teddy bear wearing a school jersey and a graduation cap. Lucy laughed as the girls handed over their presents before embracing her in a group hug.

The next day, Lucy took her time getting ready for the day. It was her last day as a teacher at the school. The staff had a half day of in-service before they were allowed to leave for the summer. There was a going away party planned that night for Lucy at a local restaurant.

Lucy had spent much of the past week sorting through her school supplies; packing boxes to bring to a friend who also taught Spanish, donating items to other teachers in the building, and deciding what should be left for whoever came after her.

The going away party was bittersweet, Lucy loved the opportunity to spend time with these people she had grown so close to, but loathed the saying goodbye. Even though she knew that she would see them all again, it wouldn’t be the same.

Lucy spent her Saturday cleaning The Lodge, getting it ready to be closed up until at least November. She and Henry planned to spend much of the month at The Lodge, including Thanksgiving with Lucy’s family. She went out to dinner with her parents and her grandma Joanne. Both Marie and Joanne cried as they hugged Lucy goodbye.

“I’ll be back in November. It’s only five months away,” she reassured them.

“We’ve never gone that long without seeing each other before,” her mother protested.

“I’ll call all the time. You’ll get sick of me calling you,” Lucy joked.

“I love you my Lucy-Goosey,” Marie said, hugging her daughter tight.

Sunday morning John drove his daughter to Clint and Anna’s house where she would stay overnight, before Clint drove her to the airport the following day. It gave Lucy the opportunity to spend some time with her niece and nephew before she left.

Monday afternoon Lucy was finally boarding a plane to take her to London. She hadn’t seen Henry in over nine weeks, and she missed him fiercely. “Here I go,” she thought to herself, “starting a whole new chapter of my life.”

Lucy had a full week in London to fill while Henry was filming. She had a lunch with her sisters-in-law one day, relishing the chance to catch-up with the women she hadn’t seen since her wedding. She even flew to Amsterdam for a day to visit Sarah and Paolo, though Henry knew where she was going this time.

Finally Sunday morning arrived, and Lucy and Henry were getting ready to depart for their honeymoon. Henry still hadn’t told her where they were going. As they rode the train to Gatwick airport, Lucy asked again, “please will you tell me where we’re going?”

“No, darling, it’s going to be a surprise,” Henry replied, kissing her temple.

“Do you know what this is doing to me? I haven’t researched anything. I don’t know what the things to do are, or where are the best places to eat, or what are the best things to eat. I feel so unprepared,” she whined.

“Darling, I can assure you, there will be plenty of information about activities, should I decide to let you out of bed,” he murmured in her ear, causing her to blush.

They checked in, and Lucy took her ticket from Henry. “Dubai? We’re going to Dubai? I brought clothes for a tropical beach relaxation trip, not a desert city trip.”

Henry laughed, enjoying needling his wife. He let her stew about it while they made their way through security. Once they were safely ensconced in the airline’s first class lounge, he finally put her out of her misery. “Darling, we are only connecting through Dubai,” he started, digging into his carry-on bag, “on our way to,” he held up the guide book he’d purchased for her, “the Seychelles.”

Lucy gasped as her hands flew to her mouth. “That’s where Will and Kate went!”

“It is.”

“And you got me a guidebook,” she said, taking it from his hand and kissing his cheek.

“I did, and I understand that you will very likely not be speaking to me on the flight, because your nose will be buried in said book,” he replied, reaching back into his carry-on bag.

“That would be a correct assumption. I only wish I had some,” she looked over at what he had pulled from his bag, “highlighters! A whole pack!” She jumped up, before settling herself on his lap, looping her arms around his neck. “I knew there was a reason I married you,” she pressed her mouth to his. “I love you Darcy. Thank you.”

“I love you too Cupcake.”

Lucy couldn’t believe her eyes as she wandered around the villa Henry had rented for their week in The Seychelles. It was almost bigger than The Lodge, in the middle of, what felt like, their own private rainforest. It wasn’t over the water, but the the private beach in front of the villa made up for that.

“Wait, it has a pool AND a private beach? That’s it. I’m moving here,” Lucy said, turning back to Henry.

“We also have a private butler just for us, to get or arrange anything we need,” he said, ambling toward his wife, drawing her close.

“You are too good to me,” Lucy said, dropping a kiss on his lips.

“You put up with a lot, being with me. I want to show you I appreciate all of your sacrifices,” he said, kissing her sweetly.

“Well, right now, I want a shower, and then I want to go for a swim. Did I tell you I bought three new suits for the trip?”

“You did not, but do you know the best part about having our own private pool? No suit required,” he said, wiggling his eyebrows.

“Mmmmm, that does sound nice,” Lucy agreed, pulling Henry toward the master bathroom.

Lucy and Henry didn't leave their villa for the first three days of the trip, cocooning themselves in a bubble all their own. They passed their days sunning themselves by their private pool, or on their private beach, making love at every available opportunity, and just enjoying being together again.

Once they did venture out from their private oasis, Lucy convinced Henry to take her diving with the whale sharks. He wouldn’t admit it to her, but he was terrified of the giant creatures, but after seeing the expression on Lucy’s face when she removed her mask, he would have gone diving with her a dozen more times.

The couple returned to London tanned, and happy, and relaxed. Ready to enjoy being married and being together. Lucy wasn’t positive, but she had a good feeling about their attempts at making a baby.

Her confirmation came at the end of July. It started with a feeling of nausea while she was caramelizing onions one evening. The following morning, while Henry was out for his morning run, she awoke with an instant need to run to the bathroom to vomit. She barely allowed herself to hope that she might be pregnant already. That afternoon while Henry was out with Kal, Lucy made her way to the pharmacy around the corner, and after staring at the tests for several long minutes bought three different brands, just to be sure. She hid the tests in the bathroom cupboard to take the next morning while Henry was out for his run.

Lucy could barely sleep that night, thinking about the tests waiting for her in the morning. As soon as Henry left, Lucy popped out of bed, a decision she immediately regretted, as she was kneeling over the toilet, ridding herself of last night’s dinner.

She opened all three boxes, taking out the six test sticks, lining them up on the counter. Once the tests had been completed, Lucy laid them all face down on the counter, and rather than pace herself silly in the bathroom, went to the kitchen to make herself a cup of tea.

Tea in hand, Lucy approached the bathroom counter cautiously. She turned the first stick over, two pink lines showed in the window. The second test showed the same. Lucy’s heart was racing as she flipped the third test. A plus sign stared back at her, then a second plus sign on the next test. Happy tears poured down her face as she flipped the fifth and sixth tests, which both simply read “pregnant”. All six tests confirmed what she had barely let herself hope. She was going to be a mom.

Lucy gathered up the test sticks and her cup of tea, and left Henry a note, then went to the roof to drink her tea and bask in her joy. That was how Henry found her 45 minutes later. Clutching her tea, and staring out over the London city skyline.

“Good morning darling, you’re up early,” Henry said, kissing his wife, before sitting on the end of her chaise sun chair.

“I had something I had to do this morning,” she said cryptically, before pulling out one of the test sticks. It took him a second to comprehend what he was seeing. The two pink lines blurred as he realized what it meant.

“You’re pregnant?” He asked, tears beginning to stream down his cheeks.

“You’re going to be a daddy,” she laughed, her tears starting again.

Henry’s words escaped him. He pulled Lucy to him and they held each other, crying their tears of joy. “I’m crushing you! I don’t want to hurt the baby!” Henry exclaimed, releasing his wife.

“Darcy, the baby isn’t even the size of a walnut yet, you’re fine,” Lucy laughed, resting her hands on her stomach.

Henry removed her hands and lowered his head to her stomach. “Hello in there. This is your papa. I can’t wait to meet you,” he said soothingly before pressing a kiss to her stomach.

“It’s really happening. We’re going to be parents,” he said in awe.

“We’re going to be a family,” Lucy corrected him.

Chapter 62           Epilogue

#Henry Cavill #Henry Cavill fanfic #Henry Cavill fan fic #Henry Cavill fanfiction #Henry Cavill fan fiction #Carried Away

[missmonkeymode]

My story with google + since its ending soon

So, first things first. How did I get on google plus in the first place? Honestly I'm not fully sure, I think it was a mix of youtube being glued onto google plus, my brother using it, and maybe being lonely I don't fully know. I remember the first thing I did, it was basically add a bunch of pokemon stuff to my feed and follow my brother. Nothing much really happened then, but the more important part is what happened a little bit later, like a couple of months after I made the account. I found a group of people who roleplayed warrior cats. I know, warrior cats. I was intrigued by the thought of roleplaying, since it was like a joint story (in my eyes at least). I immediately joined and made my first oc ever. Her name was Ivy, she's a young cat who hated everything and everyone and was weirdly strong. I made her design in a dolldevine thing. Funny thing though, I didn't even read one book about warrior cats before I joined the group.

That was technically the first time I had internet friends. I remember thinking that everyone was like, cool older teenagers but I found out recently that the closest friend I had was literally 2 years older than me  so who would've thought. Eventually, the community got more and more inactive, and we just stopped. We stopped roleplaying with each other, and I think I was the only one who stuck with google plus from that group weirdly. This lasted until like, mid 2015 I wanna say? I dont't fully remember, but it doesn't fully matter, just by 2015 we split up.

So mid 2015 to early 2016 I literally remember nothing from them except liking minecraft youtubers (VAGUELY THO). All I do remember is getting kicked from this one group for breaking the rules once, but screw them right? I was messing around on youtube, and I found Jacksepticeyes playthrough of undertale in February of 2016. I fell in love with undertale. To be honest, I think that was one of the most intense hyper fixation I've ever had oopsie. I started following anything related to Undertale, including rp blogs since I knew what they were. Then I found someone who roleplayed Ink Sans.

Now about 7th grade me: I wasn't at the best place if I'm honest. I didn't have any friends, mostly what I did was read since I didn't have a phone at the time, I was extremely antisocial, and all I remember is like, the only time I had fun at school was watching the theatre kids dick around in theatre class even though I was too timid to actually say hi.

7th grade me was a different person than now me, even though I still have some traits from older me. But hey we ain't here to hear kit talk about how she thinks her life changed and junk we here about g+ baybee

So when I found this Ink Sans roleplayer, I checked out their blog since I was really into undertale aus and Ink Sans was new to me. I immediately followed after I saw their content. I was in awe, this person was a great rper, was everything 7th grade me wished to be (funny, confident, friendly, all that good jazz), and they liked undertale. I started commenting on their post, and we became friends. I remember becoming friends with them, and befriending their friends. I still know who they are to this day, and I still follow them even if we're not really friends anymore. Eventually the Ink Sans rper made a group where their friends hung out, and you can imagine how shocked and excited I was. Who'd like plain old Kit, all she does is read. But nevertheless, I dedicated the good chunk of 2016 in that group.

Overtime, I learned everyones name and stopped referring to them as their character. Ink Sans's mun's name was Uki, a Gaster Sans became Izzy, a Flowey became a Cy, etc etc. Everyone was older than me, I was the youngest in the group. I remember good things about that place, but one thing I don't remember is how horny e veryone was besides me. Lowkey I think because of skeleporn that they posted that I use to get fluseterd when thinking of sans f. So people were chilling on the server, then Uki got into homestuck. SHe got the others into homestuck, and I believe I was the last one to get into it (mostly because of my brother lol). So we all were posting about homestuck, and as a joke, Uki invited as many Eridan rpers to the server (since she had a crush on eridan lol) and eventually a dude named Myth joined. I'm a mutual to him on tumblr now so thats poppin. Myth is a good friend but he wasn't the quietest person. Eventually because of how rowdy it got, Uki's mom found out about the server and banned her from social media.

Everyone was devastated after that, especially her boyfriend Cy, and that launched the group into a weird limbo where we'd talk to each other and still be friends outside of the group, but not actually be active in the group. Officially it died in summer of 2016, but if I had to say when it died, I would say late winter after Uki left it died. 2016 came and went, and now its 2017 with a good chunk of friends still being into homestuck, so we decided to start roleplaying together as homestuck ocs. That's when things get weird and take a turn towards the sour.

So Izzy, the person who was gaster, started dating this papyrus roleplayer, who we called pap. Myth Introduced us to some more people and then yeah. OH WAIT I FORGOT TO MENTION LOGAN AND LGBT! So this group was the first time I figured out that the lgbt community existed, and Logan was a Pansexual gal who had a lot of drama irl but overall was pretty chill. BACK TO THE STORY!

So everyone had an oc, and everyone was at various places in their roleplaying life. Some people they were great at it, some people didn't start rping until the group started, some people were rusty at it but has some expirence (that twas me).  Because of this group I opened up MSPaint and actually figured out how it worked and start using it. It was fun but some people were..... unsavory to be kind. What I'm going to say in the spoilers contains tw of being sexually gross and suicide.

Around spring Izzy and Pap's relationship started getting shakey, and Izzy wanted to break up with Pap. At the time I had no idea what happened, but apparently Pap threatened Izzy with suicide if she did break up with him.  Izzy told Logan about it, and Logan told everyone to unfollow him. I didn't since I didn't know what was happening, but Pap was shunned from the group and I have no idea what they're doing today. It was a good thing to, his character were gross. Again, I didn't realize it at the time but like, his homestuck characters were fucking WILD. If I remember correctly (and i do) one of his characters tried to hump other characters and yeah that was bad. I made my character punch him and was bout to rip off his troll dick so yeah I did register that that was bad, but I didn't realize the gravity of it. Also another one of his characters kidnapped another character and had them as a sex slave maybe? yeah so good riddance to him.

Tl;DR Pap was gross and bad, so he's gone.

So like, late 2017, the rp group went inactive and some people I still know and talk to. A guy called Muff that joined later is still a good friend of mine. But that split up, and each person just stopped using google+ all together. All that really stayed was Myth, Izzy, and Muff. Logan had something happened with an ex and now deleted her account. I don't know what happened to her, all that she's safe. Cy just slowly moved to a new site, and we didn't stay in contact. 2018 rolled in, and I decided to be more out there and like, try to actually do things irl so that's where I changed from middle school Kit to Kit right now. I still used google+, I found some more friends whom are way better than some of the people who I interreacted with in 2017. Nothing eventful happened that year, but it was an amazing year nevertheless. Now early summer 2018 happened and i found jojo's bizarre adventure, and to my surprise some of my newer friends liked jojo! So we bonded over that, somehow passed them while reading/watching it, and life is going good. Then the announcement thhat google+ is ending happened.

Everyone, and when I say everyone I mean everyone, freaked out. A little bit about google+ culture is that you can literally become friends with everyone no matter follower count or post, it was a great place to make friends. Everyone was in a tizy about how they were going to keep their friends since nobody wanted to lose them. Another thing about google+ culture is how terrible the site is. To anyone here who's familiar with tumblr, imagine the tumblr staff but they dont fix bugs and don't care much about the site, and that's honestly the google+ staff. So everyone jokes about how the site is bad, there was a meme that was created to poke fun at the bugs (it was gold stars), and everyone said "when will this god forsaken site ended". Literally at first nobody knew if the announcement was real or not thats how much people joked about the end of google plus.

According to an article, the original end date was going to be in August. This was announced early this year, so people had time to plug other social media and things like that. But, that wasn't the fate of google+. Somehow someone leaked information about some users, so the google+ team decided to end it earlier. Tomorrow google plus won't be google plus, it'll be google business. Luckily I got peoples twitter and tumblr and all that jazz but.... damn. Who would've thought that google plus would end. None of us certainly did.

#google+ #Google Plus #ill miss it

[kirakiraninja666-blog]

my sad, sad love life

Everything mentioned here is true and all names will be left out. In kindergarten, there was this girl that I fancied. She was very cute and kind to me. I recall that one day she read a book to my about blue whales, she spoke about her wanting to be a marine biologist when she was older. Later in the year, I brought cupcakes for my birthday. I sat in between her and another girl. This other girl was extremely happy that I brought cupcakes and kissed me on the cheek. The girl I liked was shocked that she did such a thing during class. We giggled and quickly forgot about it.

Fast forward to 3rd grade and shit got intense, like real intense, my nigga. I had gotten close to this one girl, we messaged each other a lot on the app called “Kik Messenger”. We pretty much had a relationship over text. We would say, “I love you” and, “I miss you” and shit like that to each other. I recall this one moment where she went to go to something and I was texting her friend and she said that “[we were] cute”. One day at recess, one of our friends got us together to talk about our feelings for each other. This shit was awkward as fuck, my nigga. Like I mentioned earlier, this was a text-relationship. We never spoke about our feelings to each other in person. It was pretty awkward and we never admitted our feelings to each other. I don’t remember how it ended but it ended somehow.

Now, onto 4th grade. I had gotten feelings for the girl I liked in kindergarten again. To be honest, I kinda liked her throughout most of elementary school but she was kind of an on and off crush. Anyways, we were on a Skype call on my birthday and she had a friend over. They had known about my feelings for her and they said shit like, “The ship sailed a long time ago” which made me fucking depressed. I cried that night, on my BIRTHDAY. I slept that night with my iPad next to me hoping to receive a Skype message that she had changed her mind or something. But, alas, it never happened. I slit my wrists, the pain helped me to stop thinking of her. I attempted to hang myself with toilet paper, hoping to leave this miserable world. Unfortunately, it failed. Oh well.

5th grade was pretty fucking cringy. There was this new girl at school. She was smart, funny, cute. We talked and we became close. We developed feelings for each other. I talked about this to my friend, the same one that made me and my “ex” confront each other at recess in 3rd grade. She told me to stop liking her, that she was “weird” or something like that. So basically what I did was I wrote an e-mail to her, with my friend’s help, ending our nonexistent relationship.

In 6th grade, there was cute Asian girl I met in math class. We talked a bit and I ended up liking her. Unfortunately, nothing happened because she had a boyfriend.

In 7th grade, I had gotten close to a girl, an Asian girl. She developed feelings for me and asked me out and I said, “LOL, no thanks b, we’re better off as friends. Try again next year OMEGALUL.” And that was that.

Later that year, around December, I had gotten feelings for another Asian girl. I liked her quite a bit and I told too many friends and she quickly found out that I liked her. She stopped talking to me completely and it was really awkward between us. Looking back at it, it’s pretty funny. I stopped liking her because I figured that there was no hope. I started to like someone else and the Asian found out and we started talking again.

Spring time of 8th grade, I was pretty good friends with this white girl. She also started to develop feelings for me and asked me out. I told her that I didn’t want to date anyone at the moment and would’ve preferred to wait until high school to start dating someone. She walked away very sad which made me feel bad but, ya know, it sucks to suck.

So probably around May of 8th grade I wanted to ask out this one girl to the 8th grade dance, known as “Formal”. We were quite close and talked a lot. She was pretty good looking and boy, oh boy, she’s thicc as fuck, my nigga. Anyways, she wasn’t really into me and this other kid asked her to the dance before me. I was devastated, I opened up to one of my close female friends. I told her that I was suicidal, that I had the urge to just swallow my phone and hope that it would suffocate me. She was there for me, she saved me, she was my hero. I quickly fell in love with her. I decided that I would ask her to the dance. I had two of my friends make a poster for me that I would use to ask her out. It was a huge success. People in the hall were cheering, they yelled, “OH YEAH!”, there were fireworks inside the school, shit was amazing. We hugged, walked outside together, and took a picture. We waited for her bus and she gave me a hug goodbye. I was practically smashing that girl. The next day I asked her to be my girlfriend and she said yes. The following day, it was awkward as fuuuuuck. We worked together on this project for health and I’d talk to her, start a conversation, but they just wouldn’t last that long. She didn’t really want to to talk to me. Later that day after school was over, she broke up with me and told me that we’d be better off as friends. I was sad. I had gotten into my first REAL relationship, albeit probably lasted less than 24 hours. I had to get over her though, there wasn’t really any way that relationship was going to work. She probably ended it because she though I had moved on too quickly, that I didn’t really have feelings for her, or perhaps she just wasn’t really interested in me.

Although the summer started off a bit rough, it would later turn out to be pretty fucking amazing, kind of. Around the end of July (I’m thinking it might’ve been July 22nd or some date close to that), I boot up my computer to play with my friend that I played with pretty much the whole summer. We’d get on in the morning and play until nighttime. This day was different, for I had gotten on around noon. Not surprisingly, he was already playing. I saw that he was playing in a group and asked for an invite. He was playing with this GIRL, a fucking gamer-girl, can you believe it? Those girls are pretty fucking rare. Anyways, I joined their group and we had a blast together. The 3 of us became close, we were a group, the modern day Three Musketeers. One day, my friend left for a couple days, I believe he traveled somewhere. She was also gone. I thought, “Damn, so is this where it ends? Is this where she stops talking to us?” but then I thought “She probably just doesn’t want to talk to me by ourselves, she likes my friend more than me.” My friend returned on the weekend, I think, and that’s when she got back online. She said the reason she wasn’t on was because her parents didn’t like her playing on the weekdays and that she was at this camp (this is actually all true, she wasn’t lying). When school started, we still found the time to talk to each other. My friend and her would get into some really stupid fights, fights that were just a big fucking waste of time and shouldn’t of happened. But, it’s okay, for I had had benefited from them. You see, my friend was closer to her than I was with her. But thanks to these fights, this quickly changed. She would talk to me and vent about my friend. I would agree with her and say that my friend was in the wrong (which he actually was most of the time). We’d play together, just the two of us. We’d go invisible on Discord and on Overwatch. We became each other’s best friends. We all lived pretty far from each other, my friend lives in Vermont and she lives in New York City. We’d talk about meeting each other over the summer (which is the summer that is currently being written in, by the way). One day, her and her friend told me that I should go to their school. I thought it was a great idea and we discussed it. Looking back at it, I don’t know what the fuck I was thinking, I actually thought that it would happen. Newsflash, my nigga, that shit ain’t ever going to happen. I thought about moving alone to NYC and going to their expensive ass school, $50k YEARLY TUITION for grade school. Hell no, that definitely wasn’t going to happen. My parents laughed and said no. I was actually kind of bummed, like I dead ass thought that it might’ve happened. Over time, we developed feelings for each other. Her friend asked me if I thought that she liked me and I told her no. She asked her and turns out that she did like me, I was insanely happy. Moving on, later that month she told me that there was a possibility of her coming to Maryland for winter break. I was fucking hyped but she told me not to get too excited because it all deepened on her aunt’s roommate leaving so they could have a place to sleep. Sometime in December she confirms that she’s going. A couple of days before she comes to Maryland, we were talking to each other. We played this game that we had made where if one of us were to curse then the other would ask them 3 questions. These questions were to be answered honestly. I asked her questions about who she liked. She had knew that I knew that she liked me. I wanted her to admit it to me. She also asked me questions about who I liked. I, of course, described her. Now, I believe that she suspected that I liked her but she didn’t want to believe it. Later, she tells me that she has to leave. I decide to confess my feelings for her. I tell her that the girl I like would be coming to Maryland the next week, that we were going to see each other. She freaked out and I started laughing. She hung up the call and I just sat there in my chair, very happy. She arrives at night on Christmas. She’s in Maryland for 3 days pretty much (the 26th, the 27th, and the 28th), we hung out together on all 3 days. The first day was pretty awkward, not gonna lie. It makes sense though because this was out first time meeting each other. We met up at the National Gallery of Art and spent the majority of the day there. We didn’t really talk much at first but we later got more comfortable with each other and talked. After spending a day at the N.G.A., we ate dinner at this Chinese restaurant. It was fun, she tried teaching me how to use chopsticks but I wasn’t able to use them. Second day, I went over to her aunt’s house. It was a bit awkward for the first like 10 minutes but then everything was fine. We went ice skating but, here’s the thing, I don’t know how to ice skate. Her sister and her would hold my hand to try and help me keep my balance. After that, we returned to her aunt’s house where we played poker. Neither of us knew how to play so we had to learn. We played in teams. It was me and her, her sister and her mom, and her aunt and her aunt’s boyfriend. We turned out to be a pretty good team, we won a couple of times. On the third day, we went to ICE! at National Harbor. After spending a couple hours there, I suggested that we go eat at Rio. We arrived at Rio and for some reason her mom and wanted to go to Barnes and Noble. She didn’t want to go so I suggested that her and I walk for a bit. She happily and agreed and that’s what we did. I saw this as my chance, my chance to ask her out. I waited a bit and then I did it. She stopped walking and looked at me and said, “Are you serious?” to which I replied “Yes” and she said yes as well. It was fantastic except for the fact that my girlfriend would have to leave in about an hour to return to New York. We talked a lot over the next couple months, became closer to each other. One day in February, I got extremely lucky. I heard her dad tell her that they would be going to California for spring break. I told her that I’d be visiting New York for spring break. She told her dad this and her stepmom suggested that I go with them to Cali. We couldn’t believe this and we thought that she was joking. Nope, it was not a joke. I asked my parents and they allowed me to go. I arrived at New York on the 24th of March and left a week earlier. The first two days we were in New York. It was fun, we spent time together. On Monday, we left early in the morning to go to Cali. Now, to be honest, I don’t remember everything as it exactly happened, I tried forgetting these memories because it was just too painful to look back at. But here are the highlights of that week:

>lots of cuddling

>we kissed

>we went to some pretty cool places

So after the trip, we talked a lot for a couple of days. She slowly started to talk to me less, she said that she was busy with school work. It got to the point where if I was lucky we’d talk on the weekend (lemme elaborate here real quick, if I recall correctly, she was never busy on those weekends, we’d talk if she wanted to talk, not if she was busy or not). One day I accidentally pissed her off and that’s when it pretty much ended. I asked her if we were still together and she told me to give her a week to think about it. I acted super desperately, like super desperately. I thought that my acts of desperation would help me but it did the opposite. Honestly, if I was in her position I would not have given myself a second chance. I was too flawed and I had to learn from my mistakes. Now though, almost 4 months later, I feel like I am worthy of another chance. I feel that it is my time to try once again. I have reflected on my previous self and I have improved. I. Am. Ready.

to be continued...

[blizzardfluffykpop]

Donghyun X Reader

Summary:Sometimes, love isn’t always on time. It takes a little longer before it happens.

One-shot

Please don’t read if you’re innocent, this is smut and mature content, please read other works if you like my fanfiction but, don’t read the smut. Just this is for mature readers and/or over 18 readers.

Prompt: 17. Snow day? You know that means another day for you and me. Single Dad Au (I’ve seen this one so often it just makes me so happy) My best friend is a single parent, his girl friend at the time when she had the kids. Decided that she didn’t want them, walked out on him soon after. He was so crushed, he loved his kids with the epitome of mollycoddling . He was so protective of the two twins. The boys are so adorable, the minute I heard–being as I had to find out from his ex–that she had left him for dead to care for these kids. I immediately pitched in, so worried for him. He was worried that he might end up snapping their necks by holding them wrong. I was a babysitter when we were younger, so I knew how to care for little babies. I taught him everything I knew, I pitched in money as well. As much as I could, without having my bills and landlord coming after me. The first time, he feed them real chewable food when they were one and a half. He was so nervous, and I got it on a Polaroid so his kids when they got older could look at the baby book that I was throughly working on every day for him–I bought it for him as a gift–who would expected that I’d have to fill it out. He ended up just asking me to live with him so we could take care of them together more efficiently Who am I to say no to not having to pay one more bill. It was more money I could pitch in to raise his twin baby boys. The hardest part was when they came home from their first day of Kindergarten we both took of the day. I’ll be honest I did shed a few tears, but this one over here was a mess. Like a mom that lost his kid to the war, I mean he’s not wrong Kindergarten is war. Well for me the one who started food fights and ended up tripping over this poor excuse I have for a best friend. We came quick friends after that. Back to the point, when they came home his son, ‘Dae-young’ asked the more talkative of the two, “Is (Y/n) our omma?” We looked at each other for a good minute not expecting him to have said that. As his brother ‘Jae-young’ came up to me and sat on my lap like always. And I could just see the gears practically grind in his head. And he answers with a question, “Why would you ask?” “Because last week our teacher was talking about us telling about our parents. And this week we’d have to tell about our appa and omma.” Jae-young answers swiftly. I look over scanning Donghyun to help him answer. And I decide, “If you really need to talk about someone use me as your omma, okay?” They both nod their pretty little heads. I look over at Donghyun and he gives me a sweet sincere smile. If we weren’t busy with this race against time to make sure these kids end up okay. I would date him, I have felt this spark for him since we were younger. The reason I noticed it was when we wend over to a party when we were 6th graders and acted like we were all cool since we had friends in 7th grade that were throwing a party. We ended up playing truth or dare and he was dared to kiss me. Both of our first kisses gone just like that. I wouldn’t have changed it. Yes, the way I coped with my feelings was date other guys and as did he with other girls. And yes, sloppy seconds exist and I’ll be a liar if I didn’t go out with a chick he went out with, as he went out with a guy I went out with as well. I would have loved or given anything for us to have ended up together. But he thought this girl who had these two twins was the one. And wanted to marry her and everything, I was on my way of moving on. Well, not all the way, he is still my best friend we were going to have our movie talks. Since his girlfriend and I, didn’t actually despise each other like it usually happens if the guy has a girl best friend. No, actually we got along quite well with each other. When she had left him she told me, she told me that she’d be heading away as well. And she wishes me well and him. She just can’t see herself ever raising kids that it hurt so much that she had to have them, she didn’t want to go through that again and she was heading to Britain, to attain a new path. When she left, I was still in a state of shock, that would be the last time I’d ever see her or hug her. And I went to Donghyun’s house to see him in despair but fervently trying to change Dae-young’s diapers without crying. That was the day I went out an bought him the baby book to remind him to always be happy for these little ones, it will mean a lot to them when they get older. I finally snap back into reality when I feel little hands on my shirt tugging at it, I look down to see Dae-young trying to get my attention, and he says, “Will you read us a bedtime story, (Y/n)?” I nod and pick up this little bundle of joy as Donghyun does to Jae-young and he spins him around. And I shake him around and kiss Dae-young’s head knowing he doesn’t like to be spun around like that. Rather in fact, he quite despises it he’d rather be cuddled with, I get that. We put them in their room, I tuck in Dae-young as Donghyun tuck in Jae-young. I sit in the chair as Donghyun sits on the floor. Acting as a kid ready to sleep, my luck he falls asleep and I’ll have to carry him to his room. I start telling the three of them about a heroic prince who the ladies swooned for, how he was fearless, bold, and not afraid of anything. Well except for his love the princess, he was afraid of her the most beautiful, kindest, and if you don’t shut your mouth Donghyun you’ll never get to know her last quality. Which is cunning she wasn’t afraid to battle and rather she was quite good at it, she would strike you like you were a monster. And that’s what he was afraid of. So the day he worked up the courage to finally tell her, she major shocker rejected him. He was devastated, his buddy Romeo decided to go after her and actually won her over. They battled but he gave up and moved on to another, a little more worried about the impending future. He asked her after three months of courting her, and unlike the princess before that wasn’t really worth his time that much. The sweeter, yet daring, and funny princess said, yes. When she did he couldn’t believe it and it was long before they had a marriage, they got married five weeks later, and were busy figuring out how to rule the land under fair rule where no citizen was above one another, they were all equal and had the same rights. It was then, I realized they all were snoring I was so deviled in the story I barely noticed, I didn’t even get to finish I was going to tell a battle of a dragon but these boys feel asleep. I kiss Jae-Young’s forehead then Dae-young’s for the second time tonight. My luck he did actually fall asleep, when I moved over to him. I picked him up with a huff and a scowl. He ends up doing this every time. I open the door and quietly close it behind the two of us. I take him to his room and set him on the bed and he reached and I pulled his stuffy that he wouldn’t admit to anyone but me, he still sleeps with it and needs it. I give it to him and I kiss his forehead after tucking him into the blankets. He curls up into a ball and starts sleeping. Man child, oh well. Least he isn’t that bad for one. I get to my room and start editing a story I tirelessly right. Even though I’m a professional writer doesn’t mean I have a schedule just when ever I feel creativity. I start throwing the story together my dead line for this story is really soon. And it seems like I have a pretty good plot so, I’ll just throw in a sprinkle of comedy a dash of conflict and a barrel full of monkeys. Cute thing is, everyone thinks I’m joking about that barrel full of monkeys, no that is the main story. Haven’t you ever wondered what happens a barrel full of monkeys, much more of a young adult read, then a child or an adult read. I finish chapter three in under an hour typing away, three chapters done. 27 to go tomorrow, I’m so not ready. Yes, I was talking about the deadline being tomorrow at 12:00 p.m. sharp. Woot woot, my hands are going to turn black and wish I wasn’t a writer. And yes, I luckily don’t have work tomorrow, that job at the cafe is about as good as this writing gig, not getting me anywhere least I found a place that will publish me. I fall asleep as comfortable as baby, even though I had that inner thought of how am I going to write that many chapters in so little time. Just like I always have and will done. Finish it with three minutes and seven seconds to spare. Submit and everyone gets off your case for another five months. Giving an idea or a pitch as they like to call it and throwing it at you and you figuring out what to write about. I wake up to see Donghyun in my face grinning and said, “I made you breakfast! I know you procrastinated and have a long a day a head of you, I got the kids under control today, leave it to me!” “Thank you so much, Donghyunnie! I’ll promise after I finish up the book we can have our all-nighter like we usually do.” “Really!?” “Yes, really! Now, go take your kids to school you rascal!” He laughs and places the tray of food on me, I eat the toast up rather quickly and start working on the book. I eat the bacon on the plate as I tediously finish up chapter seven, seems like plot a went out the door and plot j decided to take over all of the other plots and run this thing like a circus. Funny, right? Barrel full of monkeys a circus, okay my humor sucks. Give me credit here, I’m working on a young adult book. I hear the door open and close from downstairs, he’s home later than usual. I’m not going to question it like I usually would except for days like today, where I’m a little shit that procrastinates like no other and is typing a mile a minute. And oh my god Gerald did you really have to mess up your beautiful gorgeous face by slipping in the mud you ask, yes yes I did. It was necessary to the plot, actually no it wasn’t it was just filler as fuck. I hear someone knock on the door and I tell them to come in, not calmly at all I’m ranting throughout the whole book on monkeys and things that wouldn’t make since in a normal story but it does since it’s a barrel full of monkeys. I see Donghyun and he sits down in front of my feet and lays right there. No questions asked just lays there. And I roll my eyes as I finish up chapter nine. I start typing faster I want to finish this and an idea just came out of nowhere, and it’s looks really good so far. It’s 4:00 p.m. the time he has to go and bring home the kids, has he moved all day. No, did he want to move, no. They had a longer day at the kindergarden because they were doing an assembly today I remember being told that from a mother that was talking frantically to another mother. So instead of a half day, it’s a full day. By the time they got back I was on the last chapter. And instead of being really close to the deadline I actually had it done. When my computer crashes, let me just praise jesus for a minute when I realized I typed that on a google doc and everything was saved instantly. I got back on and I found it was still all there, I submitted it to the boss my publisher. I went downstairs and giddily made cookies for everyone. Knowing the affliction everyone has for my peanut butter cookies. (Sorry if your allergic but they are the bom.com)

About a week later the school system calls my phone I was added in case of emergencies. And they told me, “Your son, Dae-young got into a fight and your husband isn’t answering would you mind coming down here.” I didn’t want to break to them that I actually wasn’t the mother of the two or I wasn’t married to Donghyun actually that was a secret fantasy of mine that I couldn’t bare to bring alive to anyone. So when the accidently called me that I didn’t mind, quite the opposite I actually was fond of it. Till the actually weight of the situation laid on me. Dae-young the quiet yet brave, shy and sweet. Got into a fight I would believe it if it was Jae-young he and I tussle all the time. We rough house together like no tomorrow. But, Dae-dae. Are we talking about the same person? I don’t believe we are. I throw on my sweater and walk to the school, Donghyun didn’t live that far away. And when I get in Dae runs over and hugs me, I pick him up. And I ask the principal did he start the fight. And she says, “No, but he still is suspended, misconduct like this is appreciated, Mrs. Kim” “Actually for your information he was standing up for himself, this isn’t misconduct. If he was trying to make sure he didn’t the shit beaten out of him. Let me guess your prize student here was bullying Dae-dae. And he stood up for himself instead of taking it like he should. And you’re pissy about that?!” “MRS. KIM!” “At-at. I’m not someone you can yell at, I’m not a kid. Actually, if you remember correctly I’m older than you. I’m your unnie, and aren’t dongsaeng supposed to respect their elders.” “Mrs. Kim! You know I have fair right to speak about this issue!” “Oh is she mad because she used to bully me and then when I knocked her out into next week, on accident I assure you. Now when my kid gets into a schrmidge you’re upset because it’s exactly like your case. That bullies never win.” “You know that isn’t the point I’m making–” “He’ll take the suspension, good day, Mrs. Becaubachi.” (I came up with that at 10:25 I’m keeping it, oh well). And without another word I turn my heel slam the glass door and I’m out. I kiss Dae’s head and he starts pouring down crying and I get into the car and I start telling him, since he didn’t start the fight I don’t blame him. I never thought I’d see you’d get into a fight.“ And he tells me that he was so scared. And that he gave the kid a good black eye. So I decided to get ice cream to not honor that he beat the shit out of a kid, no never. Well, maybe. No to honor that he stood up for himself when he was getting pushed around and I’m so proud of him. We were sitting eating ice cream and he asks, “She was calling you Mrs. Kim. I thought your last name was, (L/n). Did you marry?” “No she was being an insolent fool.” “Appa has the same name is that what she was confusing it for?” “Yeah I would guess.” “Would you ever date, Appa?” “If you can keep a secret.” He nods his head and in that instant I forgot he is only six and will tell the instant it’s brought up. “I would love to, only if he liked me.” “What if, Appa did?” “Then I’d happily date your Appa.” “Would it be okay for me to call Omma?” “Full of questions as ever. You can, I don’t really care. My friends used to call me 'Appa’ all the time when we were younger, cause I’m the appa-like friend. They used to call your dad, 'Omma’ because he acts much more like a Eomma than an Appa. And it’s better if your Appa doesn’t know you go suspended. He wouldn’t like that very much.” “Really? That’s so cool. Were you the Appa/Omma team? And why would he care?” “Yes, we were the parent team. Because he doesn’t want the idea of his babies getting hurt in his mind. And he’d blow a gasket. Can you fake sick for me, the next two days. Does Jae know why you left?” “No. He was at recess.” “Don’t tell him, he’ll tell dad. As much as I love the kid he’s sort of a blabber mouth.” “I promise, Omma.” I grin, for the first time ever I was truly called Omma by someone I considered to be my own kid. I kiss his forehead and we sit on tailgate of my truck and I lean back and we start pointing out shapes of clouds.

It was about two months later, at conferences that Donghyun forced me to go because he didn’t want to be alone. And I told him I feel like I’m the one being scolded rather than our kids. When, they started talking about how they can’t believe how innocent little, Dae-young fought with a kid. That’s when Donghyun’s head nearly spun 180 degrees. I’ve gotten into pretty messy fights with him. But once his kids were put asleep. We went downstairs, like usual just to play video games. When I got down the stairs he closed the door and starts bitching about how I didn’t tell him about Dae-young being suspended 3 days. “Well, maybe I would have told you if I knew you wouldn’t act like this. You’d take it out on Dae-young. I could care less if you yell at me about it, but if you say one thing to Dae-young about it. I’ll have you on the floor with a broken nose faster than you can say, 'pudding’. And if I knew you would have accepted that he got suspended for self-defense I would have told you sooner. But I knew the minute it was brought up you’d act like this.” “Well how do you want me to act!? Act like it’s fine? That my son didn’t give another kid two black eyes over what?!?” “I’ll have you know, he was getting beat up, the kid acted on his own and he stood up for himself. Like I taught him, if someone throws a punch at you. You hit them twice as hard.” “What the fuck are you teaching my kids?!!! I thought we were on the same side, (Y/n)!” “What do you mean what am I teach your kids, I’m teaching them life lessons that you obviously won’t bestow upon them. I thought that too! You think you’re the only one this is affecting? If Dae-young were to hear you right now, you know he’d be crying because he knows he messed up. And it won’t make his appa proud. That’s why I didn’t tell you. Because he really is afraid of fucking up, and you’ll leave. He knows what his mother did, so he doesn’t want you to do the same. He wants you to be proud of him. And if that meant me lying to you, my best friend. I would do anything to make sure that he wasn’t terrified of this.” “(Y/n)!!! You don’t get a word I’m saying do you?!? You don’t get that my son, MY SON, shouldn’t be getting involved in fights at all!” “Oh really? Look what your doing right now, I wonder where he would get the idea of fighting from, you. So you want YOUR SON that YOU OBVIOUSLY ONLY RAISED! To come home with a bloody nose, a broken arm, and a broken wrist because he didn’t stand up for himself?!” “That’s not what I’m saying” “Sure as hell sounds like it. And if you don’t remember, I ended up in a fight like he did. And I was the one with a bloody nose, a broken arm, and a broken wrist. The next time she fought with me I broke her jaw. Because I was tired of it, I’m glad YOUR SON stood up for himself instead of being like his father a damn coward. It seems like your proving to be. I thought I helped raised YOUR SON, it seems not. Good luck raising him and his twin by yourself, Donghyun. If you can’t be proud of your son, that he stood up for himself, then you can’t be my best friend, my love of my life.” I say without meaning to. I take my jacket, my purse, wallet, phone, a pair of shoes and sprint out of the place. I can’t believe this.

It was four days later when I heard a call I was living at my parents, I can’t believe after all these years I’d end up back here. I answer the phone not even caring who it was, “Hi, Omma this is Dae-Dae. I stole Appa’s phone quickly. I was wondering why you’re not here anymore, Jae-Jae and I miss your stories. Please come back home we miss you so much.” “Aw, Dae-Dae I miss you, tell Jae-Jae I miss him too. But until your Appa apologizes to me, and you. I’m not coming back, he doesn’t deserve me. You two do, but he doesn’t.” “Omma… Does that mean…. Does that mean your leaving forever?” “I sure hope not. I want to come back I really do. But I think your Appa wouldn’t be so kindly to my residency if I came back. So I’ll see you hopefully soon, continue to stand up for yourself, and be that brave little Dae I know. Okay, tell that to Jae too, okay?” “O-Okay… I’ll miss you every day.” “I’ll miss you too.” When I hear the line go dead I just go into the mountains of tissues and blankets and curl up and cry. I don’t want to be without the three. But it seems Donghyun doesn’t want me there anyways.

It’s a month later after those four days. When I go downstairs to eat dinner with my folks, I mean don’t get me wrong but this is just so hard being back here. After all this time of being away, living my life. Not to extent I want it to be, but I was fine with it. There’s a knock on the door then a ring of the bell. My Appa starts singing, “Somebody’s knocking on the door, somebody’s ringing the bell. Do me a favor and let 'em in.” I laugh and go open the door. I see the face I’ve been avoiding for a month, four days, ten hours, thirteen minutes, and eleven seconds. It’s Donghyun, with a tear-stricken face. He looks at me and says, “(Y/n)–” “Nope. I can’t do this.” I run off to my room delve into my sheets of comfort and go into a cocoon. I could have done that completely different. But when you miss someone to point of aching you can’t face them it hurts too much. I hear a soft knock on my door and it’s my Omma and she says, “Will you talk to, Donghyun. I know how much you are mad at him right now. But listen to him for a minute. And if it displeases you, I can send him out the door.” I growl through my pillow. I get up, and I slowly open the door and my Omma pulls me into a hug kisses my forehead and encouragingly moves me to the living room. I see a bouquet of (f/f), I shake my head. That won’t win me over if he thinks that. He looks down and then looks me dead in the eye as I sit as far as away as I can on the couch. And he says, “I know sorry isn’t enough. So–” “Let me stop you right there. You’re right apology isn’t enough. And as much respect as I have for my parents I hope the excuse these being as I’m an adult. It better be a damn good apology or you can walk out that fucking door, and don’t let the door hit you where mother nature split you, Donghyun.” I say with so much venom I could be a poisonous snake. “(Y/n), I wasn’t at all right for what I said to you. You helped raise my kids as much as I did. And sometimes more than I could ever. And for me to yell at you like you were an insolent child, that deserved to be scolded. Was wrong, I know. I’m so thankful for you to teach the twins self-defense. And when I found out that my kid was afraid this situation happening. And they both had separation anxiety to the nth degree. And at first I was so mad that I didn’t care about it, I didn’t realize how much I hurt you or them. That I was being a rotten father, that I was being a rotten person in general. And when I start thinking so hard about how much I missed you, how much I didn’t want to fight with you. That I realized how much I ruined my chances of ever asking you out to be my girlfriend.” “You got that right, you ruined that by a long shot.” “I figured, I’m not asking for you to move back in for me, even though it is a bonus. It’s just the twins miss you so much. And they will refuse to talk to me if I don’t bring you back, the made a blood pact and everything on a paper. Written by both of them. So please, will you please come back.” “So you don’t have to deal with a quiet life-style. Oh how miserable that would be. No offense appa and omma. But how do you think I felt the minute I walked out that door and moved back into my parent’s house. How awful I felt that I wasn’t up to your standards. That it was basically like living in a void with out two cheerful little ones to brighten up my day. I think you deserve to go back home by yourself just because of that.” “Please, I’m begging you, (Y/n)….” “You know if you would have given me an apology a lot sooner, I would have maybe accepted it, but I think you missed your time slot. Got to wait to punch in again, it won’t be for a while. So if you don’t mind me, I’ll be in my room.” I get up from the couch, and to make my point when I got up and into my room, I slam my door as loudly as possible. I wonder if I was too hard on him, as I slide down the door crying. I wonder how many calories you could lose from this, because it seems I’m a professional at this.

I go to sleep after a while and wake up go downstairs to have breakfast with my parents before Appa goes to work. I get downstairs to see Donghyun sitting at the dinner table, and I look at him with the hardest of glares abruptly set my food on the table with my coffee. Eat breakfast and drink the coffee, wish my appa a good at work and go back up to my room without hearing, “Go run after her, if you really do care for her, then do it.” There’s no point of locking the door, I know my parents to well. They would give him a key if they really needed too. Would it be acceptable to jump out this second story window? Maybe? I would be fine with it. I hear the door softly click open I scowl at the presence. And he sits next to me and I move away as far as I can away from him and he opens his mouth and tells me, “I know how much you hate me right now, but can you think of the twins, for one second?” “Would you think for a second that wasn’t the thing that was torturing me in the back of my mind. Not knowing, how it was happening, knowing how much separation anxiety Dae-Dae has, and I had to leave him? You know how much that tore me to absolute pieces? No you don’t.” “Actually I do. It tore me up to pieces because you weren’t there. I had no one to ask how to deal with this situation. How to help Dae-Dae cope with you gone, when I couldn’t even cope with you being gone. How much it hurt me that the love of my life left me, because of me.” “Wh-what?” I ask as my tears start flowing, he’s seen me cry many a time before. But this is a different case, it was because of him I still was trying to understand it. He gets down on his knees and says, “I would never beg for forgiveness from anyone else, but you. (Y/n), please if not for me, then for OUR kids, for little Jae-Jae and Dae-Dae. They miss you so much as do I, please come back home. I don’t think the three of us can be alone. I realized just how hard it is with out you there. How wrong of me it was when I got mad at you for teaching OUR kids something useful, and if you please, please just accept this apology. I’ll do anything. Except for leave without you, I need you in my life. More than you would ever realize, the kids need you so much as well. They miss you every day as much as I have, and guilt tripped me for the past month and now five days in the twelve hour and 50 seconds. I love you, so much. And this hurts so much to be without you for this long, it hurt the minute you left as bad as it does right now. It feels as though a piece of me is missing. Please, please-” “Stop right there. I accept your apology. You-You love me? Wait–Hold the line…. (LOVE ISN’T ALWAYS ON TIME– I’ll stop I get it, I’ll stop).” “Actually I was planning before you left asking you to marry me, figuring we could just skip the part where we were dating. Because we know each other so well… That we had friend dates that meant more to me than you would ever believe, I imagined each time even when I was with my ex. I realized how much I wanted you. How wrong I was for wanting you and picturing it was you every time we laid in bed together. How much I realized I was mistake, when she ended up with my kids. I lost all sight that you were even my ideal. I forgot you existed, and I saw her for the very first time. I cared for her so much. When she left me, I was so devastated because I finally moved on and she didn’t want me in the end. And then my inner self thought of you, and I was wallowing in my tears so sad without you. And when you came over, I wasn’t only crying that I’d have to care for them myself. I was crying because I thought I lost you. And this time I really lost you. When we started going on our best friend dates again I realized how much I truly loved you. How much they meant to me, I imaged myself each time before we ended the date I’d confess or move across from you and lean in and just kiss you. But no, I never did. And I wanted to so bad. And when you said you I was the love of you life it cut deeper, because I realized I wasn’t the only one that was at a loss here, when you left. I’m sorry, this is probably a lot.” “Wait… You were going to ask me to marry you?” I say in utter disbelief, this is the same guy right? “And you pictured me each time? Except for when she was carrying the twins? You wanted to kiss or confess each time to your feelings each time we had the best friend dates as much as I did? Wait you must be kidding me. And you’re right you weren’t the only one suffering from leaving. It hurt me so much not be able to call you up and ask what do I do, when I have a fight with you. How do I even approach the situation. I may be a writer but I could have never written our life out like this.” “Yeah… I know we just finally made up. But I can’t live a single day without you ever again. You’re my Earth, you’re my son, you’re my stars, you’re my Moon, I love everything about you. It might have taken me long to do this, not even what we proclaim liquid courage could help me gain enough courage to ask you this. So from the bottom depths of my deepest sorrows to the highest hope above my head. Would you do me the honors of being my one and only. My jagiya, my wife, my best friend, my pearl that is completely polished, to my oyster bed, still looking for a pearl to hold. Would you be that pearl?” He had shift the first start of that proclamation of love to his one knee. With a ring that was gorgeous in his hand held out to me. a pearl about the size of of a rock, just smoothed out with diamonds surrounding the ring, the ring silver. And I can’t believe just said that to me and I tell him, “Get up, come over here and kiss me will you.” He looks at me with a grin, he gets up, and slips the ring onto my finger. Wow, that’s actually heavy… Jeez. He kisses me affectionally his hands on my cheeks holding me there, as I encircle my arms around his waist. “I love you” I tell him once our first real kiss takes place. And he gives the biggest grin and he says, “Would you please come back home with me?” “I would never not” He grins and picks me up, and my parents were busy filming this, I had yet to realize that in the heat of the moment. They tell us to get out of here you crazy kids. And live happily and invite them to the wedding. If that is one of the first things they play on our dvd, it’s baby pictures. (I think you all are wondering when that prompt will come in, well get ready).

Its was 3 months after that we were happily married, the twins were high fiving that we finally got together. And then Jae-Jae started asking when he’d get a little sibling or three. He really want little siblings like no other kid in the world. I laughed as well as Donghyun. Dae-Dae was the ring barer, and Jae-Jae was the best man.

We had our first Christmas together, for the first time when the kids entered 1st grade. We were in amidst of arguing during that period of not being together. And if I had to say how much fun that was, it really freaking was.

If I’m being all honest, Donghyun and I still haven’t had sex. Not that I’m complaining we never get time with these two all the time, and we hardly getting a day off. Except for when snow storms hit. And it’s broadcasted that’ll happen the 2nd the day our kids are supposed to go to school. Jae-Jae and Dae-Dae already planned how they were going to spend it. They were gonna have us take them to the hill and they’d meet up with there friends. And its not like its a bad snow storm it’s just going to be enough to leave four feet of snow. Thank god I’m friends with the people in the neighborhood, Si-yeon is the watcher of all of our children. She never had any herself even though she wanted some. So when parents want a day off she takes care of them and has everyone’s number memorized, that moves her. And planned to make this snow day eventful for the kids. The kind sweet heart. Dae-Dae asks me to make sure he stayed awake through the new year. And I did so Jae-Jae fell asleep before 8 O'clock even hit. Dae-Dae stayed up through it surprisingly him and Jae-Jae usually have the same sleep clock. And he cheered like the little kid he is. And so did we, to join in on the fun. We kissed when the clock rang in the new year. And Dae-Dae cheered. He like I was, wasn’t the kid to be grossed out when someone kissed. Although, Jae-Jae is, oh he really truly is. He starts yelling about how icky it is. Dae-Dae falls asleep soon after, and I pick him up and Donghyun picks Jae-Jae up and we tuck them into there bed laying a kiss on there head and switching to do the same to the other. Donghyun picks me up and kisses my neck. “What’s a better way to celebrate the new year than with you?” “Um… With food and drinks?” He laughs at that and shakes his head. And it looks like a light bulb broke itself over his head and gave him an idea and he says, “I have an idea~” “What~” I ask as I close the door silently not to wake them. “You know how the twins are deep sleepers and we’ve tested this theory before right?” “Yeah, where are you going with this?” “I was think you and me, for a way to celebrate the coming of the new year, we could cum as well.” “You really had to make that joke?” “Yes, but you up to it?” “I don’t know Big Ben isn’t. He hasn’t rang in a while” He looks at me with a shake of his head, a thin lipped smile and says, “I guess I had that coming to me.” "Funny how you say that” He shakes his head again and I laugh. He picks me up by my thighs and pushes me against the window that was in our bedroom that we had made our way into. And he grinds into me, letting out a few muffled groans into my sweater. I let out a soft moan. I feel him pull at my leggings and I feel him rip them open. I gasp at the sensation, not expecting him to do that. And he rubs his rough fabric over my lacy underwear that I was wearing because I was to lazy to do the laundry this week. So I was on my last pairs of my panties, and oh my god do they have to be so thin. And that feels so good against my clit. That course feeling of jeans and I feel him move his hand yet again and he unzips and unbuttons his jeans, lets them fall to his ankles and kicks them off. He whispers in my ear, “I hate for this to be a quickie, but if I wait any longer without me buried inside of you…” “I understand and if you wait any longer I’m going to slap you.” He grins at me and I feel him rip my panties, he better be buying me new leggings and panties for that. As i gasp at the sensation of how cold the room was against my wet entrance as he slips two fingers into my entrance and he says, “Jagiya you’re already this wet for me?” “Yeah, you caused it you better fix it.” He smirks at me and take his fingers out of me and licks them off. And he slips into me and I let out a deep as does he into each other’s shoulders. He pulls my sweater off my one shoulder his face was buried in with his free hand, and starts kissing along my shoulder. And nibbles on a spot and starts sucking on the spot. I buck my hips against his, wanting and craving for him to move inside of me. He complies as he gives me a hickey and starts pounding me against the window. He moves us from the window and throws us on the bed and starts pounding into me like a mad man, and I’m letting out moans louder than I should, so I to muffle them, kiss him deeply, my legs wrapping around him tightly encouraging him to go deeper into me. And he goes all the way to the hilt, and I moan out loudly against his lips, that luckily muffled it. The twins are pretty deep sleepers but not to the point of where they don’t wake up at all. He breaks the kiss for a second to allow us to catch our breaths when he picks up his pace and starts slamming into my hips harder, if I don’t have bruises on my poor hips, I will be surprised. I feel my end coming, and before I can even reach my clit to get me off quicker he already moved his hand thumb to start rubbing over it. And I feel him twitch inside of me, I guess he was meeting his end as well. And I my walls clench around his cock and he kisses me and we both moan into the kiss, cuming at the same time. Surprisingly he rides out our high as my thighs spasm around him. He slowly pulls out and pulls me into him and kisses my forehead. And then he reminds me, “Snow day? You know that means another day for you and me.” I grin and say, “Definitely, but let’s rest for now, alright?” He nods and we fall asleep from our intercourse, and I couldn’t be happier. ((I was really content on how this ended, I hope you guys throughly enjoyed this as much as I did) I think this may have been longer than Chanyeol’s).

#long ass oneshot #x reader #reader #angst #fuck that was me getting angsty #boyfriend #kpop #kpop x reader #smut #fluff #starshit #starship needs to give them more recongintion #christmas #more like new years #new years day #donghyun #kim donghyun #day 14 of 37 days of christmas #14th day of 37 days of Christmas

[everlarkbirthdaygifts]

Happy Birthday smartalexy!

We are sorry to be posting this late, but we wish @smartalexy a happy birthday on the 7th of September. To help celebrate, the lovely @booksrockmyface has written a special Everlark fic just for you! We hope you enjoy it :)

Title: The Whole World Could Change in a Minute

Gift for: smartalexy        

Rating: M (alcohol use, mild language, and talk of a sexual nature)

Trigger warning: There’s some vodka drinking involved.

Author’s note: I hope this friends to lovers fic finds you well on your birthday! Happy happy day! Title comes from the Sugarland song Want To.

_____

Peeta let out a frustrated groan as he followed Katniss into the next store. She didn’t like shopping much either, but Prim had made some very specific requests about the dress code for her wedding party. Being the supportive best friend he was, Peeta had agreed to accompany Katniss on her search for possible dresses. This was the fifth store.

“Is this periwinkle?” Katniss asked as she picked up a dress from the nearest rack.

“That’s more of an indigo.” Peeta picked up a dress that was a shade lighter. “This is periwinkle.”

She took the dress from him and checked the price tag. “It’s also fifty bucks over my budget.” She tried to hang it back up.

He stopped her. “Try it on and send a picture to Prim. If it’s the right one, I’ll chip in the last fifty.”

She chewed her lip a moment and then nodded. She picked up the indigo one anyway and another in the right shade and the right price point. It was a little long, but Prim could fix that.

Katniss stepped out of the dressing room wearing the too-long dress.

Peeta looked her over and then gave a thumbs down. “Makes your boobs look weird.”

She looked in the mirror and made a face. “You’re right.” She went into the dressing room.

He let out a relieved breath. She had looked pretty good in the dress, but it wasn’t right. It was hard for Peeta to be objective sometimes, though. He’d started to develop feelings for his friend and it was really difficult to keep them to himself. Katniss proved several times that having him as her best friend was her favorite thing.

Not to mention her on again/off again with Gale had been going on since middle school. There was no competing. Even Madge couldn’t keep Gale’s attention long.

Katniss stepped out in the other periwinkle dress. It had a sweetheart neckline—a term Peeta had learned when all this business started—and cap sleeves. The natural waistline flared out and the skirt ended just below the knee. Katniss had great legs. She had great boobs. She had great everything.

“You gotta get that one!” Peeta took out his phone and snapped a picture to send to Prim. “You look hot.”

“I can’t look hotter than the bride.” She commented, taking his phone to look at the picture. “I guess I look okay.”

A message came in from Prim. Tell Katniss to buy that dress! It’s perfect!

“Go get changed.” Peeta sent Prim a reply, one that he would have to delete before Katniss snagged his phone again. She’s so pretty, I can’t stand it!

Prim: You should talk to her or something. You know, like I’ve been telling you to do for a million years.

Peeta sighed and watched Katniss step out of the dressing room, the chosen dress in hand. He sent Prim, I do know. I’m just a giant chicken. He deleted the last few texts and then followed Katniss to the register. “I’ll pay for the dress.” He offered.

“I can get it.” She grumbled. “I’ll just move some things around.” She took her debit card out and handed it over. “I have the money, I was just planning on using it for some repairs around my house.”

Peeta watched as she finished the transaction and then picked up the dress. “Well, I do know a thing or two about home repair. I could help.”

Katniss led him out the door. “I’d like that.” Her phone went off and she paused to read. She scowled. “Gale’s blowing me off for Madge. Again.” She started walking again, a much quicker pace this time.

“Are they together for real this time?” He fell into step beside her.

“I guess.” She groaned. “It would have been nice to know that. I set up the house for sexy time. I set up myself for sexy time.”

Peeta cleared his throat. “Well, if you want company, I could hang out. No sexy time required.”

With a heavy sigh, Katniss said, “I guess spending time with you is just as good. I mean, I know all Gale’s moves by now and it’s starting to get boring.”

He gave himself a mental high five. “Okay, I’ll get the beer if you get the movie and we can go halfsies on pizza?”

“Sounds good.” She opened the passenger door to his car. “I’ll order pizza while you drive.”

A half hour later, they were back at Katniss’s place with two large pepperoni pizzas, a bottle of vodka, a couple two liters of soda, and a sappy romantic comedy from the 90s. They finished one pizza and almost half the vodka between them by the time the movie was over. They were in the giggly stages of drunk and it was Peeta’s favorite version of Katniss. She didn’t let go often, though she did it more around him.

Katniss poured another drink, a little more vodka this time around, and took a large gulp. “Want to play two truths and a lie?” She asked, her words slurring just a little.

Peeta giggled. “You and I know each other’s truths already.”

She leaned in and said conspiratorially, “Maybe I’ll surprise you.”

There was a tightening in his pants. He let out a calming breath. “Then you go first.”

Sitting back, she counted off with her fingers, “I’m thinking about going back to school, I actually kind of like Prim’s damn cat, and I am so stressed about my sister’s wedding.”

“Too easy!” Peeta exclaimed. “You hate Buttercup with a passion.”

Katniss let out a little snicker. “That fucking cat.” She took another sip of her drink, made a face, and poured a bit more soda on top. “Your turn.”

He sighed. “I don’t know, Katniss. You know everything.”

“Try me.” She encouraged.

He thought a moment and then said, “I sometimes wish I’d gone to school for business instead of art, I am looking forward to being an uncle, and… um…” He took a long drink from his glass. “I’m hopelessly in love with my best friend.”

Katniss stared at him a moment. “The third one’s the lie.” She said hopefully. “I mean, I never heard you wish for anything other than your art degree, but you have talked about being frustrated that you didn’t know the business-y parts of the bakery…” She swallowed. “But it’s the lie, isn’t it?”

Peeta sighed and finished off his drink. “Maybe I’m too drunk.” He sat the glass down. “I should just go crash in the guest room.” He stood, but she grabbed his hand.

“Gale was always just a placeholder.” She cursed under her breath. “That’s how I meant to say that.”

“Don’t worry about it.” He pulled his hand from hers.

She stood and grabbed his face. “I’ve had a massive crush on you since grade school, Peeta.”

His heart skipped a beat. “What?”

“I didn’t want to hurt our friendship, so I kept it to myself.”

“But Gale…”

She shrugged. “Available. And he thought he was in love with me, so I just went along with it. That was before Madge came along. And you were always with someone else when Gale and I were on one of our breaks. The timing was never right.”

“Katniss…”

She smiled and pressed a soft kiss to his lips. “Want to go make out in my bed?”

“If you’re sure.” Peeta said with a shaky voice.

Katniss grinned and dragged him out of the room, turning off the lights as she went. She stepped away and shoved her jeans off her hips before climbing into bed.

His heart was now beating out of his chest as he mirrored her movements. He knew how strong her arms were. They’d shared many embraces over the years, most recently after his father’s death. But her lips were something he had only imagined. They were soft and warm. Her mouth tasted like pizza and soda.

She giggled just before she pushed him onto his back and straddled his hips. Her mouth returned to his, but her hands roamed.

Taking it as encouragement, Peeta slipped his hands up Katniss’s back and down again. He caressed her thighs and trailed his hands up just under the hem of her shirt. He was sure his world was about to explode, that he was dreaming, this was something that would end any moment.

But it didn’t end. In fact, she sat back and pulled off her shirt a moment later and slid her hands up under his. “Do you remember that night we played strip poker with Finnick and Annie and everyone?”

He laughed and nodded. “Finnick planned it all so he’d get naked quicker.”

“You put on more clothes.” She leaned over him, bracing her hands on either side of his head. “But we’d all gotten a pretty good look from those wrestling singlets.”

“I don’t like to be naked in front of people.” Peeta spread a hand up over her flat stomach and slipped it around her back, pulling her closer. “I mean, I make exceptions, but not for large crowds.”

Katniss grinned. “Am I an exception?”

“You most definitely are.” He pulled her down and kissed her deeply, rolling her underneath him.

In between kisses, Peeta confessed that he’d tried and failed several times to tell Katniss his true feelings. She admitted the same.

Somewhere in the early hours of the morning, they finally decided that kisses were only making them tired. They fell into a tangle of limbs and were asleep in just a few breaths. Peeta had never slept better in his life.

#everlark #everlark fanfiction #everlarkbirthdaydrabbles #everlarkbirthdaygifts #fan fic #by booksrockmyface

[3652k17]

March 16th 2020

Quarantine Day #3: 

What is the world these days? I’m sure there will be a great pouring of people who are now trying to blog about their experiences but to be fair, I’ve definitely kept trying to come back to recount my journey through life, this ain’t no fleeting, novel thing. Speaking of non-fleeting novel thing; the Coronavirus is now spreading throughout the US and LCPS wrote today to say that we certainly won’t be going back until after Spring Break. Karen Langrock had said, the day before we were closed unexpectedly in the middle of the night, that once we’re out, we won’t be back. When she said that statement, there was a genuine beat where I tried to take that information in. There I was, standing in the 600 hallway, with Madelaine, Rohin, and Caitlin all waiting to waste some time after school. Her words sent absolute panic through me. To not be back here every day? To not see my kids? To no longer be Madelaine, Rohin, Jake, Ryan, Chas’s teacher? It was something that I just couldn’t comprehend, and when I turned to Rebecca, with fear in my eyes, she said, “You can’t think about it.” It all seemed very far away. 

The infamous Thursday (March 12th, although it feels 1000 years ago) will remain emblazoned in my memory for as long as I live (which will hopefully be longer than the year 2020). It’s similar to 9/11, although not nearly as evil or as violent, but something I won’t forget. The night before, when I had finally finished up SAT with Caitlin, our last session before her test that weekend, and made it home, I dissolved completely into tears. I cried most of my way home. I cried while I was heating up my leftover Indian food from Maddy’s birthday dinner the night before. I cried at the kitchen table and couldn’t move to watch television, to continue to grade my timed writes. I couldn’t bear the idea that this time next week, the school year might be over. However, I brushed it off and decided that tomorrow ‘I’ll make the best of things. I’ll take a selfie with all of my classes, I really try and enjoy every moment with them the best that I possibly can”. The next morning I shook myself awake, scared that I was going to sleep in for Orange, checked my email and saw that there was a department meeting agenda waiting. I scanned over it, thinking about the info that might be shared about the prospect of “distance learning”. I thought briefly about PLC social, who would be winning the supposed coveted (but actually very much resented) apple award. I thought about Ben’s PD the following day. I thought about that day’s 7th-week schedule, and how I would need to get my act together to make sure all of my grades would be in ok. I didn’t think to check my email again. I went to Orange, and thought about how many more sessions would I get before they either closed or I had to freeze my membership? Turns out it was just once more. It was a great class, with a teacher I don’t usually have, and I was so glad that I made the decision to go in. I went to the store straight after, as I had run out of milk for my tea and infamous cereal, and I noticed that the store was a little fuller than it usually is at 6:00am. I had also noticed that a lot of people dropped off early that Orangetheory class, but decided to think nothing of it. I pulled into school, with the darkness still hanging heavy in the air. There wasn’t another car in the parking lot, although this isn’t too unusual at this point. I opened my car door and I genuinely paused and listened to the still morning air, punctured only by the birds in the surrounding trees. The air had a slight balm in it, as a sort preview of the what spring may hold. At that moment, it was hard to think of the world crashing in around us.  I took a deep breath and looked up at the brick building and somberly smiled. “How many more mornings would I get like this, “ I thought, “It’s mornings like these I’ll really miss when we’re quarantined in two weeks.” That’s how long I genuinely thought we’d have. I pulled myself up the stairs, my heels echoing ominously in the deserted stairwell. I did my hair, makeup and decided to go and wash my mugs. The clock was inching towards 7, but still, the hallway lights weren’t on, and the heavy sound of the football practice wasn’t filling the hall. Everything was still. Too still thinking back. After washing out all of my mugs and filling my two cereal bowls with water to wash later (and never did come to think of it) I sauntered down the hall, looking around at the cavernous ceiling, that seems so much taller when the lights were off. That’s when I bumped into Deb who looked as though she had seen a ghost. The first ebbs of morning light were starting to creep in through the large glass window at the end of the 600 hallway, and there she was, aghast that I was just going about my merry way. My phone was left in my gym bag. I hadn’t checked my email. I didn’t know I wasn’t allowed to be there anymore. When she first told me, I thought she had made a mistake or that she was crazy. There was no mistake. I went into my room and started to find a way to call Becca. “This can’t be happening,” I desperately thought. “Did she say we’re closed for the next week or so? How can that change in less than 24 hours.” Becca’s laughter and confirmation did make me settle down. It felt like that time, earlier in the year, when I had gotten to school and we had actually had a snow day. It was a delightful mix-up. I scurred on home and rejoiced at getting back an extra day to play the sims and watch TV with Becca, Ellie, and Scout. At that moment in 607, it felt as though this was all a big joke and would be fixed tomorrow. Fred then found me and expressed his own surprise and encouraged me to get my things and head out. The ever creepy janitor Tim was delighted to find me and escorted me out to my car. Didn’t help with anything mind, but walked me out there. I had taken as much as I could possibly carry from my classroom, threw it into my car and called my mum and dad. It still felt like a snow day gone wrong. 

It’s been 3 days since that happened, and although not too much has changed, I know that it will. LCPS discussed that it would be potentially 12 weeks until we could go back and by that point, the end of the year is already upon us, and it would almost seem foolish to go back. Which means from March-August, we hadn’t seen our classrooms, our kids, or each other. There are times when I don’t know what I miss most. The hubbub of the normal, hectic school routine, the kids saying something nutty, or the people who will listen to you explain this nuttiness and relate. I know that I’ve been working very hard over the last few months, and for all of that to come to a grinding halt is beyond disarming. I completely agree with all the measures that the surrounding places are taking. We should not be interacting with each other. We have to stay protected from this horrible illness as long as possible. We’re doing the right thing. 

But that doesn’t mean that I wouldn’t love: a PLC social to complain about; to see Will and Ais in advisory; to have another fantastic, crazy, probably not helping them in any way for the AP exam A1 class; to talk to Ben, Zack, Erick, Veronica, the people who make my day the best it can be; to just talk to Becca about whatever’s going on and stay a part of her life as she transitions away to motherhood; to laugh with Kenzie during 4th lunch on a 3rd block day, hell, I’d even take good ol’ Colin Gray and his nuttiness; to talk to Ishan, to be irritated by Preetham, to laugh with Taylor and Haley; to mess around with Eliza and Ashley, to roll my eyes at something stupid and ignorant that Caitlin said; to figuring out where to go for planning during 6th and instead find my way to Ben’s classroom; to see Naomi, Sydney and a few others in 7th; to be pestered by Maddie Garber and PEER; to good ol’ 8th block study hall, where I was super frustrated they took away my coveted office slot, but that I actually looked forward to because of the great conversations that Eric, Rebecca and I would have, along with those crazy, apathetic seniors; to have an afterschool chat with Madelaine and Rohin and whoever else they brought along, where we’d talk about anything, but most Gibson and whatever quirk he had expressed today. I’d love to do all of those things again and more. I know that staying in and protecting myself will increase my chances of getting to do some of those things again, but as my stupid brain keeps telling me, “it won’t be the same and you know it”. I don’t know what the future will hold for anyone right now. More than anything that I listed before though, I just want us all to get through this illness. I don’t want myself, or anybody else to die. I want us to beat this thing. I know that we’re going to have a new normal and that things haven’t even started to get hard yet, but I just want to get back to worrying about whether I had worn too many dresses this week, or if my hair looked funny, or if I’m a terrible AP teacher. And right now that’s all I can do; hope. 

[skytlake]

My little sister’s birthday is soon.  She’s in 7th grade right now, and I just realized how long it’s actually been since I was her age.  This has been kind of shocking honestly.  I’ve been thinking about this a lot recently, because I consider 7th grade the year everything changed for me.

A bit of backstory.

I am the youngest in my class by about a month and a half.  It’s a long story, but basically I went to about a month of kindergarten, the teachers thought I’d do better in first grade, and I ended up moving to that class.

Elementary school was pretty decent.  I was still one of the more advanced students (I’m not trying to seem arrogant or brag or anything; it’s just how it was).  I made some friends pretty quickly in first grade, though my best friend was in kindergarten.

In fourth grade, I had a massive crush on my second best friend at the time.  Looking back at it now, I was probably pretty obvious about it, though no one ever said anything.  We’d become friends in third grade, when, after about two months of mocking each other relentlessly (not in a mean way, we were just strange sarcastic third graders), we called a truce and became friends.  We were practically attached at the hip at school that year, and the two of us and my best friend would always play soccer together at recess.  He was a pretty extroverted kid, and through being his friend, I started to be able to speak out more at school.  Partway through that school year, my best friend stopped going to our school.  This was very sad for me, but it was okay because we only lived about 10 minutes away from each other.  Then only a few months later, my second best friend and crush moved halfway across the state.  My heart was broken.  I was very sad about it for a long time.

Fifth grade passed with nothing all that important.  I had a bit of a crush on another kid, but I was still getting over the heartbreak of fourth grade.

Sixth grade year he moved back.  As you would imagine, I was thrilled.  We started hanging out together again in no time, and of course my crush on him returned.  Sixth grade was a pretty great year.

Seventh Grade started off with a little bit of sadness.  My friend/crush had started to hang out with some other people, and this group did not behave well.  We stopped talking.  I got over it though (for the most part).

There was a group I had been a part of/hung out with off and on throughout elementary school and sixth grade.  I started hanging out with them again.  They were considered the popular and smart kids in our grade.  My 5th grade crush was one of them.  As you may guess, this crush returned, but it was no longer a low-key kind of thing, though since I didn’t talk much no one really knew (except my best friend but she tricked me into telling her).  He seemed to be a pretty nice kid and people liked him. He was athletic, good at math, smart, funny, and not bad looking (in my 7th grade self’s biased opinion).

The year went pretty fine.  I had an art class, which was great.  I’d started playing flute in 6th grade, and I loved band.  I ran on the track team for the second year.  Overall, it was a good year.

Until the last day of school.

At my middle/high school, the last day is required to be a normal length day of school.  Since there is nothing to do, the middle schoolers usually have a game day, and the high schoolers do “community service” aka walking around town picking up the very small amount of garbage on the ground.

This year, our game day was a tournament: 6th vs 7th vs 8th.  Each grade was split into two teams, and the six teams competed against each other for no prize except bragging rights.  The games we played were Kickball (which I hate) and Capture the Flag (which I liked).  My crush was the self-appointed team captain for our team.  We played our first round of kickball and capture the flag.  

When it came time for our second game of Capture the Flag, a girl in my class that I was sort of friends with (she was the nicest person in our grade) and I both wanted to be in different positions than we’d been in last time.  We had been guarding the flags, but we  wanted a turn to be runners (people who captured flags).  Our “team captain” told us we couldn’t do it and that we should just guard the flags because no one else wanted to.  Of course, I did not argue much: for one, this was my crush, and two, I was not the kind of person who argued or even said anything against anyone at this point in my life.  She, however, argued that we didn’t want to either, so why did we matter less?  He ended up ignoring us and walking away.

I was furious.

When our team was sitting on the bleachers after that game, we confronted him again.  This time, the other two people in the “popular/smart” group, who I considered my friends, were there.  I assumed they would defend us, because they were my friends, right?  Wrong.  They sided with him, because he was popular, and we were not.  This was never stated outright, but I know their behavior well enough now to recognize that.

My heart broke for the second time.

I don’t remember much of the rest of that day.  It all kind of passed by in a blur.

About a week after this, I had an emotional breakdown at home.  I realized that these people had never really been my friends, and it hurt so much.  I was twelve when I realized I only had one real friend.

Honestly, I am still recovering from this.  I still see the people that broke my heart every day.  I’ve gone through a variety of ways to deal with this over the years, but most of them just hurt me more.  I only have two classes with these people this year, in comparison to last year when six of my eight classes were with them.

I am very thankful for the fact that my sister has several strong, healthy friendships, and I hope she never has to go through what I have.  I would do anything to protect her from that.

I am also so thankful for my best friend.  You are one of the only reasons I made it through last school year.  Thank you for staying my friend through the past 11-ish years.  @veryhungryrightnow

Sorry about this long sad story; I just needed to write about it today.

#about me #me #seventh grade #a rough time #school #change #heart break #crushes #my best friend #my sister #growing up #middle school #sky's rambles

[essexchips]

November Pair of the Month

November’s Mentor Pair of the Month is Cali Gilbert and Tracy Titchner. Cali is a 7th grader at Essex Middle School and Tracy is a physical therapist at Champlain Valley School District. Keep reading for the full interview!

Cali, what’s your favorite thing about mentoring?

Cali: I like that I can just leave class and kind of calm down, because class is very noisy. And I like that I get to hang out with Tracy

Tracy, what has surprised you the most about being a mentor?

Tracy: I have to think about it, I don’t think if there has been anything that has been surprising. I don’t know, I thought it would be fun. It’s been fun. It’s been fun getting to know you, it’s been fun learning some things about you that I wouldn’t have expected. Like when I very first met you, I was surprised to learn that you were totally into science and science projects, and that turned out to be kind of a fun surprise that it was something that we both liked and both enjoyed. So was kind of surprising but I don’t know if there’s anything about mentoring that has been super surprising. It’s been nice that we’ve been able to make it work for as long as we have been able to make it work with your school schedule and my work schedule.

This will be your third year, right?

Tracy: Mhmm.

What do you like to do together?

Cali: Uno. We like to play a bunch of card games and do science experiments and make stuff. That’s our main kind of thing.

Tracy: This year we’ve been doing more talking. Over time it’s gone from doing stuff and playing games to more talking about things this year.

Cali: Also because it’s the beginning of the year and we had a long summer and we’re having long breaks.

Tracy: True. It seems like 7th grade has more stuff to talk about too though.

Cali: Lots more stuff to talk about.

Tracy: It used to be so what’s going on, what’s new… and there’d be a couple of things and we’d play a game for the rest of the time. And this year we’re talking about so what’s going on, what’s new, and this year it’s like SO LET ME TELL YOU. And that’s ended up being a big chunk of our time this year it’s definitely changed.

Cali: Lot of kids have changed and they’re different and they do more stupid stuff. So there’s more to talk about…

Tracy: So maybe that’s a surprise that over time as you have gotten older as we have come to know each other and our time has changed more than I would have predicted. So maybe that’s the surprise.

Do you two have a favorite memory you would like to share?

Cali: I don’t know, most of my memories are from when we did science experiments like with the marshmallow catapult. And I remember the pumpkins and me being grossed out kind of.

Tracy: Me too. I remember doing an awful lot of the pumpkin carving and you being grossed out like, “yeah it’s 8:00 in the morning and I’m over this”.

Cali: Yep!

Tracy: The experiment we did with markers and all the different kinds of markers.

Cali: Yeah I remember that one. And I think it were the skittles or Mmm and the food dye or whatever.

Tracy: We had a whole day where we were doing experiments with separating different colors and it just sort of exploded from the original plan to a bunch of other stuff and we were going around the school getting supplies.

Any last thoughts?

Tracy: Nothing immediately comes to mind, it’s been really fun.

#mentoring #mentorIRL #mobiusmentors #youth #essex

[spnife]

91 question tag

Tagged by @vanillabeanniall​ and then @uswntinharmony​

More below the cut bc that’s how I roll

the last – 

1. drink: Arizona Tea

2. phone call: my mom

3. text message: my mom - she sent me two climbing videos. Or I sent them to me, from her phone

4. song i listened to: What a feeling, but I was asleep (i checked the music app just now), so the last song I remember hearing is Ray of Light by Madonna

5. time you cried: wednesday. First day of school was today so it was some stress

have you ever – 6. dated someone twice: yeah

7. been cheated on: yeah. I became friends with the guy though. Similar tastes I guess???  (( Actually I blocked him on snapchat last year bc he was talking some bs on his story but in eigth grade he wasn’t awful))  She lied abt it though and then talked to me two years later and still lied like okay

8. kissed someone and regretted it: no ragrets

9. lost someone special: not really

10. been depressed: fuck hell yep

11. gotten drunk and thrown up: no. I had like a sip of beer on a trip but it was just to mess with a dude while he was in the porta potty

list 3 favorite colors – 12. light blue

13. orangish pink

14. dark purple

in the last year have you – 15. made new friends: heck yeah. I switched schools and found a really good group of people there already. It’s been alright

16. fallen out of love: not in the last year. gotta be in love first

17. laughed until you cried: probably but I don’t remember rn

18. found out someone was talking about you: I think? I found out parents were saying nice things about me. Mean wise maybe? I’m not really sure. Probably

19. met someone who changed you: at least one. a teacher last year

20. found out who your true friends were: i think? 

more –  21. kissed someone on your facebook? alas, i do not have a facebook

22. how many of your facebook friends do you know in real life? see 21

23. do you have any pets? A super sweet black lab named FeeBee, a kitten named Mulder and a cat named Milo, and a hedgehog named Wembly

24. do you want to change your name? i like my name. My last name bothers me sometimes bc dad stuff but it’s gotten better

25. what did you do on your last birthday? I had a chill day at school, got a nice car, got a card from all of the kids on the climbing team. One of them said “Wow Coach Ella, you only have two more years til you can drink,” like i’m sorry kid I’m only 16

26. what time did you wake up? 7. first day of school

27. what were you doing at midnight? crying and putting school stuff in my backpack and watching VEEP

28. name something you can’t wait for: to keep getting better at climbing, the Harry Styles concert on oct 11, my birthday on oct 13 bc it should be fun and I hope I’ll get another card from the climbing team bc they’re all lovely

29. when was the last time you saw your mother? today

30. what is one thing you wish you could change about your life? i want to know that I’ll be able to be happy

31. what are you listening to right now? watching Raising Hope

32. have you ever talked to a person named tom? yep

33. something that is getting on your nerves? I keep getting anxiety while I’m at climbing practice and that’s one of my most comfortable places. it feels like im going downhill with climbing even though I know im getting better

34. most visited site: netflix

school –  35. elementary: i loved my elementary school. every teacher i had was amazing, small school in austin and a good community and i still talk to my friends from there. so when i moved to the new school in fifth grade and depression was already showing up, the differences made it literally hell. it was awful. i didnt like my teachers and i didnt know people

36. middle: 6th grade was hell, 7th grade was even fuckin worse, 8th was still pretty bad. All the worst years of my life so far, and tbh it’s gonna be hard to top them

37. high: better than middle school but thats a really fucking low bar. like incredibly low.

38. college: planning for ACC for two years to get base courses, dream school UT in an engineering major. I love the school and the program there, but I worry if I could barely get through middle school, how tf am I supposed to survive college. Also it didn’t feel great when I was talking to a friend and I was like “yeah ut is tbh my dream school, if I can get in” and she was like “oh that’s one my last choice colleges” like fucking okay love you thanks for telling me that makes me feel real good about my intelligence and how you view me

me –  39. hair color: brown

40. long or short hair? shoulder length

41. do you have a crush on someone? yep. according to a friend i am “so gone for this girl” but um. oka y what if she doesn’t like me? I feel good around her though and she likes being around me and we work well together I think. She’s lovely and I wouldn’t want to make things weird by asking her out if I don’t know she feels that way too.

42. what do you like about yourself? I am able to figure things out and I work with kids really well. I’ve also been getting better at climbing again so I’m proud of myself for that

43. piercings? just my ears

44. blood type: lol yeah like i know?

45. nickname: ellallalala is something I’m getting from people at the new school, and I’ve had some climbing nicknames over the years but Coachella is sticking. I coach and my name is Ella it’s great

46. relationship status: nope

47. zodiac sign: libra

48. pronouns: she/her

49. favorite tv show(s): always sunny, parks and rec, my name is earl, curious george

50. tattoos: soon

51. right, ambidextrous, or left-handed? right

first –  52. surgery: i had one on my pelvis in 2013? i was in preschool and it was for this weird group of veins on the side of my leg. We’d always called it a birthmark and after the surgery the scar looked like a sunset over water but the sun is purple (still looks like that it’s rad) and the first time someone showed me a birthmark i was like??? Um no thats just a little dark bit of skin?? my birthmark is purple what is this shit

53. piercing: ears

54. sport: rock climbing. found it early and still love it

55. vacation: no idea

56. pair of trainers: first i remember are a PAIR OF DORA LIGHT UP SHOES

current –  57. eating: nothing

58. drinking: arizona tea

59. i’m about to: finish my arizona tea

60. listening to: the episode ended so me typing and the clock my great grandmother gave is

future –  61. waiting for: me to feel alright

62. want: to like what i’m doing and to know i’m able to be happy doing it. I wish I could just skip to being married with kids and a dog and everything.

63. married: oh for sure

64. career: astronaut has always been my dream career but with this level of anxiety it’s probably a no go. I am not over it. I’m def gonna cry abt it in a couple of minutes bc thats how it goes, ya know. The last astronaut I talked to though said “the biggest disqualifier is not applying” so i’m still going to try my hardest. I also love engineering and physics and space and science and education and would love to be a librarian, so we’ll see

your type – 
 65. hugs or kisses? depends

66. lips or eyes? eyes, i guess. There’s more character there

67. shorter or taller? in my head i’m always like oh taller but really it doesn’t matter. as long as i can be little spoon im good to go

68. older or younger? doesn’t matter

69. nice arms or nice stomach? tummies are cute i guess. 

70. sensitive or loud? i don’t know

71. hook-up or relationship? right now relationship and at some point relationship but ask me a couple months ago and it would have been different

72. troublemaker or hesitant? both. troublemaker with a lot of decisions but in fun ways, but hesitant when it comes to talking to new people that i want to be good friends with. and asking people out

73. kissed a stranger? yep. on a bet

74. drank hard liquor? had some jack daniels mixed with coffee and it tasted like cinnamon toast crunch

75. lost contact lenses/glasses? my glasses always turn up

76. turned someone down? yeah. accidentally on a few though lol. As i had a crush on someone i went out with for a little while last yeah legit three other people liked me and i guess im oblivious bc i had no fucking idea

77. sex on first date? depends

78. broken someone’s heart? i don’t think so

79. had your heart broken? yes but in a friendship way along with the relationship. it goes back to the you should kill yourself stuff

80. been arrested? nope

81. cried when someone died? no one i’ve known closely has died. My great-great grandmother died when i was fiveish but she was really old. There have been a few suicides at my old school (i switched 2 months before end of last year) and those hit hard, just knowing that there are so many people here dealing with that stuff and me relating to it. I didn’t know the people well but we’d spoken and I knew them some, but I had some friends who were much closer and really affected

82. fallen for a friend? yeah

do you believe in –  83. yourself? i try

84. miracles? shit happens, and sometimes it’s good

85. love at first sight? who am i to say tbh

86. santa claus? no

87. kiss on first date? if i like them

88. angels? no

other –  89. current best friend’s name: skip

90. eye color: hazel

91. favorite movie: i dont know im tired and want to cry sort of so maybe i shouldnt think about this stuff as much when im already stressed im going to go drink more tea and eat some soup

Anway

I’m tagging anyone who reads this far. gotcha

#about me #mine

[existenceisalot]

middle school

My little sister’s birthday is soon.  She’s in 7th grade right now, and I just realized how long it’s actually been since I was her age.  This has been kind of shocking honestly.  I’ve been thinking about this a lot recently, because I consider 7th grade the year everything changed for me.

A bit of backstory.

I am the youngest in my class by about a month and a half.  It’s a long story, but basically I went to about a month of kindergarten, the teachers thought I’d do better in first grade, and I ended up moving to that class.

Elementary school was pretty decent.  I was still one of the more advanced students (I’m not trying to seem arrogant or brag or anything; it’s just how it was).  I made some friends pretty quickly in first grade, though my best friend was in kindergarten.

In fourth grade, I had a massive crush on my second best friend at the time.  Looking back at it now, I was probably pretty obvious about it, though no one ever said anything.  We’d become friends in third grade, when, after about two months of mocking each other relentlessly (not in a mean way, we were just very strange sarcastic third graders), we called a truce and became friends.  We were practically attached at the hip at school that year, and the two of us and my best friend would always play soccer together at recess.  He was a pretty extroverted kid, and through being his friend, I started to be able to speak out more at school.  Partway through that school year, my best friend stopped going to our school.  This was very sad for me, but it was okay because we only lived about 10 minutes away from each other.  Then only a few months later, my second best friend/crush moved halfway across the state.  My heart was broken.  I was very sad about it for a long time.

Fifth grade passed with nothing all that important.  I had a bit of a crush on another kid, but I was still getting over the heartbreak of fourth grade.

Sixth grade year he moved back.  As you would imagine, I was thrilled.  We started hanging out together again in no time, and of course my crush on him returned.  Sixth grade was a pretty great year.

Seventh Grade started off with a little bit of sadness.  My friend/crush had started to hang out with some other people, and this group did not behave well.  We stopped talking.  I got over it though (for the most part).

There was a group I had been a part of/hung out with off and on throughout elementary school and sixth grade.  I started hanging out with them again.  They were considered the popular and smart kids in our grade.  My 5th grade crush was one of them.  As you may guess, this crush returned, but it was no longer a low-key kind of thing, though since I didn’t talk much no one really knew (except my best friend but she tricked me into telling her).  He seemed to be a pretty nice kid and people liked him. He was athletic, good at math, smart, funny, and not bad looking (in my 7th grade self’s biased opinion).

The year went pretty fine.  I had an art class, which was great.  I’d started playing flute in 6th grade, and I loved band.  I ran on the track team for the second year.  Overall, it was a good year.

Until the last day of school.

At my middle/high school, the last day is required to be a normal length day of school.  Since there is nothing to do, the middle schoolers usually have a game day, and the high schoolers do “community service” aka walking around town picking up the very small amount of garbage on the ground.

This year, our game day was a tournament: 6th vs 7th vs 8th.  Each grade was split into two teams, and the six teams competed against each other for no prize except bragging rights.  The games we played were Kickball (which I hate) and Capture the Flag (which I liked).  My crush was the self-appointed team captain for our team.  We played our first round of kickball and capture the flag.  

When it came time for our second game of Capture the Flag, a girl in my class that I was sort of friends with (she was the nicest person in our grade) and I both wanted to be in different positions than we’d been in last time.  We had been guarding the flags, but we  wanted a turn to be runners (people who captured flags).  Our “team captain” told us we couldn’t do it and that we should just guard the flags because no one else wanted to.  Of course, I did not argue much: for one, this was my crush, and two, I was not the kind of person who argued or even said anything against anyone at this point in my life.  She, however, argued that we didn’t want to either, so why did we matter less?  He ended up ignoring us and walking away.

I was furious.

When our team was sitting on the bleachers after that game, we confronted him again.  This time, the other two people in the “popular/smart” group, who I considered my friends, were there.  I assumed they would defend us, because they were my friends, right?  Wrong.  They sided with him, because he was popular, and we were not.  This was never stated outright, but I know their behavior well enough now to recognize that.

My heart broke for the second time.

I don’t remember much of the rest of that day.  It all kind of passed by in a blur.

About a week after this, I had an emotional breakdown at home.  I realized that these people had never really been my friends, and it hurt so much.  I was twelve when I realized I only had one real friend.

Honestly, I am still recovering from this.  I still see the people that broke my heart every day.  I’ve gone through a variety of ways to deal with this over the years, but most of them just hurt me more.  I only have two classes with these people this year, in comparison to last year when six of my eight classes were with them.

I am very thankful for the fact that my sister has several strong, healthy friendships, and I hope she never has to go through what I have.  I would do anything to protect her from that.

I am also so thankful for my best friend.  She is one of the only reasons I made it through last school year.  I’m so glad she’s been my friend through the past 11-ish years.

originally written October 30, 2017

#middle school #school #diary #journal #sister #best friend #heart break #don't reblog #my posts

[thatcrazeything]

Warning! User is about to overshare and be boring.

First things first. This is NOT for attention please do not message me about this I just need to get stuff off my chest and I prefer doing it where it's less likely that people I know in person will see it. Okay. This is my life. I've had problems since before I was even born. My mom nearly couldn't have any kids so I wouldn't have existed but I also was born late. Then before I was even two years old I broke my arm and then later that year dislocated it. I was four when I started kindergarten and I was the youngest kid in my class. I also started at a Christian school but then my parents transferred me to the public school after I got a black eye. It didn't matter much to me because it was an accident and I also had no friends anyway so there was nobody to miss. At the public school one boy decided to take it upon himself to make my life horrible. We're gonna just call him H for privacy reasons. So H would bully me everyday. He'd say that I was fat, stupid, gross, etc. He also physically beat me up and even once brought a knife to school and threatened to stab me. Every time he'd hurt me he'd pretend that I had hurt him and I'd get sent to the office and people started to believe that I was a bully and began to call me names too. While some of this sounds fake considering our age it's true. My family knew about none of this and still doesn't know about some of it. My family moved to a different area within the same school district because we needed a bigger house to fit us all. I ended up at a different school and once again I still had no friends anyways. The school year started and it turned out that H was sent to my new school because he had gotten in trouble on multiple occasions. I thought that the year would be no different than the last and I was almost right except this one girl gave me a chance and we became best friends. I'll call her K. That year I was still bullied and still sent to the office a lot so people began to believe I was a bad kid again but I didn't care because I had a friend. The next year this all continued. Then I found out that all the kids in my area were to be sent to a different school the next year. K would not be switching schools. I kept in touch with her throughout the rest of elementary school though so we stayed friends. H was not going to my new school though so I believed that things would be better for me. I was wrong. That summer I was diagnosed with ADHD which made sense due to the fact that I also had gotten in trouble for not being able to sit still during classes and not paying attention. Then at the new school there became a new bully and it almost ended up being a group but luckily I was quiet enough that they eventually didn't notice I was even there very often. During the last year of elementary school I was told by one of them to kill myself. That I didn't deserve to live. This stuck with me. I ended up at a middle school where K went and we hung out for the next two years and I was nearly inseparable from her. During 6th grade I had learned about self harm and I began doing it. That Christmas I wrote a note to my family apologizing and telling them I loved them. I ended up backing out because I was scared. K ended up helping me tell my parents about the self harm though and I got a therapist. It didn't help. I ended up with a different therapist and then another and another all within 7th grade. I also got a boyfriend at the end of that school year. 8th grade came and I was miserable. My birthday was at the beginning of the school year and I once again wrote a note apologizing and saying I loved my family. I told K the day before my birthday what I was planning on doing and she told my parents. I was kind of angry but I knew she meant well. Things didn't get better though. My boyfriend began to call me things such as his bitch and say that I needed him. There were a few occasions where he left bruises on my wrist from when he was angry if I didn't hold his hand and he'd grab and hold my wrist. I was too scared to break up with him and have something bad happen so I waited. It wouldn't be until half way through that school year that he finally broke up with me. At that time I had lost K because of him and I had gained a few new friends though. I ended up dating an amazing girl after that who I'm gonna call L. The beginning of our relationship wasn't very good because neither of us were in a good mind state and it kind of lasted through the rest of the relationship but I had gotten quite a bit better and I believe she got a bit better too. It was during this relationship that I had asked out another girl with L's permission. This was the worst mistake I've ever made. L ended up also dating G throughout the rest of our relationship and currently still is. On two different occasions G went for a few days without talking to either of us and questioned whether or not they wanted to be with us. During one of those times they had intercourse with a different girl and considering we hadn't officially broken up or said we'd be okay with that. She cheated. Even so we both got back with her. Then at the end of that year G broke up with me and said that I was the reason they felt bad about themselves a lot. Three days later L broke up with me. I later found out that it was because G said they'd break up with L if they didn't break up with me. After a couple weeks though everything was going downhill for me and I tried to end it and this time I was determined to not back out. I came so close to it but I made the mistake of telling L where to find the note I had left for them a few minutes too early. The cops found me and I was taken to the hospital before I could even do anything. Everyone believes it was because L left me but it was mostly because I was considered a nuisance. A problem. I wasn't able to do anything right. After about three months L talked to me and we got back together then after about two months they broke up with me again and that time it was my fault and it was their choice. It's been a while now but I can say that I'm completely in love with them. And although I'm young I have this gut feeling. No. I'm positive. That I'll always be in love with them. If I was told to pick between anything and them I'd choose them. In the end they make me so much happier than they could ever hurt me. I've come a long way. I've learned to respect myself and that I deserve more than what I've gone through in the past but I also learned that sometimes it can take years or even a lifetime of waiting but if at the end you get to see the one you're in love with be happy. Its worth it. Even if you're not the one who can make them happy. It hurts so bad but the reward is so much better. I'm still in love with them and I always will be. Sorry for ranting and telling my life story.

#my life

[miallday]

✨2019✨ Jan.-July.

wow. You were a hard year, but you had a great ending to it.

January: I let go of my toxic relationship of 5 years. I let go of his entire family. We ended on a bad note.. pretty much all of them. Sarah and I had an awful fight. I was angry during one of my conversations with Maia. I was so hurt. I remember I was also broke. Like I had less than $100. I went through all my savings for 6 months. I am so blessed I was able to pay all my bills.. all on my OWN. I moved out from my apartment, separating myself from those familiar faces and became a live in nanny. I started school again.. from scratch. I went to school and worked, but I was still broke since I didn’t get paid. I lived off the 200$ a month from my church job. I wanted my head shaved. This is an easy decision. It had been over a year of thought. Jacob was so kind to do it for me. That was the first time I wore his clothes. I liked it. That was also the first time I slept on his bed. I was scared, I didn’t sleep well that night. But waking up that morning it made me happy. I was ok. Now I’m just bald. Yikes. But I liked the wig look... until hair started growing in. In the month of January I began praying to God so much. I remember one night I spoke to God and asked him to show me what to do. Show me the Autrys true colors. To show me the cards. Lay them on the table. Later on that month I had a dream giving me the answers. Time to let go. Jacob called me telling me about Shonté getting this chicks # and stuff and she looked just like Stefany. Jacob came to my rescue again. Jacob, Marcus and I went out that night. I remember it was the first week living at carols. My first Friday night out!! To zen! I’m 21! It was so fun! Jacob suggested putting my phone on airplane mode and the next day I ended everything with Shonté. He told me to go fuck myself... then texted me saying “ i dont know when but one day I will show you that I love you” lol... that’s the “love” I had for 7 years. (5 + the 2 we were talking.) wow. I wish none of that happened. I am embarrassed of it all. I had no self love at all. I didn’t know what love was. I was trying to find love in all the wrong places. I look back and I wish I could just hug my younger self. I am so glad I am out of that. ALL of it. I was in so much pain. I am thankful for Jacob. I really am, but I am also so proud of myself for finally choosing myself and my happiness. I put myself first for once in my life.

February: I wanted to ignore the hurt that I was feeling. I regret ever talking to justin. I shouldn’t have done it. I knew it was wrong. I didn’t want him to kiss me. I wanted to move my head, but I was lonely. I’m sorry. I knew you loved me since the 7th grade. It was nice catching up on life. We may have been best friends but Sam really did take you away from Zahria and I for years. I tried to tell you that we were just talking. I knew I didn’t want more, I’m sorry for going along with those conversations. I shouldnt have sexted you. I shouldn’t have made out with you in your car. I led you on. I am so sorry. It was wrong. I was lonely and I thought maybe our long friendship must mean maybe there could be more. But you were too much for me. You took me to meet your whole family on our first date. I spoke to everyone of course, but you continuously asked “are you having fun”. Ugh Justin I missed my friend. I hated when we were in the car stopped at a red light you’d want to kiss me over and over and over. I’d say stop & you wouldn’t. I didnt want this. I could never love you the way you needed to be loved. I am so happy you found someone, but Apart of me regrets losing my guy bestfriend since middle school, but after all that happened it’s too late. You became clingy and told me you loved me too fast. It was only a month. & you’d say it so often. You made me feel suffocated. I didn’t have that love connection with you. It was TOO much for ME. You’d call me every night around 7/8pm and you keep talking until 1am. I’d get frustrated bc I’m serious about my sleep. I’d say bye and you would somehow find another topic. So I even told you to give me space. While you were blowing up my phone I was sleeping next to Jacob in his bed, getting high and doing acid with him. Nothing happened ever, but you never knew. You just knew I was there. That’s how I knew I didn’t want this.. I could never commit to you. I knew you weren’t it. I wanted to be around Jacob more than I ever wanted to talk to you. And I’m sorry. This one day before work I walked up to a church and I sat down on their bench outside. It was like 8pm and I spoke to God. I asked him to show me if you were meant to be in my life.. not to long later God showed me the answers. The fact that after I went to visit Jenn for her birthday and Jacob mentioned who she saw him marrying I knew it was me but I was afraid I would be right and things would get awkward. But somehow Jacob smoothly brought up our pact by 30 if we were still single we’d get married and I was ok with that. Or when we did acid that day I was making a floor angel.. before we fell asleep I told you I didn’t mind being with you if by 30 we didn’t have anyone. My heart was with Jacob before I even knew.

March: Jacob and I began hanging out. During my spring break we went out to eat. We drank. I got high from brownie crumbs you shared with me. We drank. In the Uber I leaned on you and I dosed off, but you put your hand on my leg. I felt it but with you I wanted you to keep you hand there. We got to his place and we talked about tattoos. You even helped me decide what to do with mine and then we ended up wrestling. It was fun. Nothing more. That whole week we hung out. I went to go visit you in pentagon city. We texted daily. Anyways, Wednesday March 13 you kissed me. A couple days before I had a feeling something would happen between us. I was in shock that you kissed me. I dont know, I just never put mind to it. I accepted you for who you were, but I always turned my head bc I knew your body count. I am sorry for judging you. I did accept you, but that kept me from looking at your direction the whole time we were friends. I dont know if that sounds shitty of me. There was also something going on between you and Zahria and I really didn’t like it. In all honesty I didn’t want to give her your number the first time. Back in cityside. Big yikes. Anyways. I liked you. I liked how it felt when you kissed me. I wanted to know if you’d kiss me again. Then next morning you kissed me and said “does that answer your question.” So cute. From this moment I told Justin to let me go and find someone else. I didn’t want to waste his time. I wanted to do things right. For St.Patricks day Jacob invited me out to DuPont circle! This parents were there. That night was fun. Jacob and I clicked in a different way. We were out together. I held his hand for the first time outside. I also called him bby. There was a connection. I remember that night pretty clearly. Anyways, Jacob & I had sex like a week later. I wanted to. I wanted you. I wanted you since my 20th birthday. On acid I looked at you when I was laying on my bed and I literally said I wanna fuck him but I knew that was wrong of me to think that. I wasn’t scared the first time we did it. It was definitely better than my first time lol. And it was mutual and we were sober. That.. helps me.. in all honesty. All the time I think of that and I smile. The next day.. oof it was the first time I ever had good sex. It was hard having sex with you for a while after that though. I really felt like I lost my virginity. It was rough for a while. I am so lucky. I was always embarrassed but you helped me feel better. I’m sorry for bleeding on you. I really appreciate you comforting me every time... you are so sweet. I remember that following day you took me over to your parents house. That was my first time there. He brought me to his parents house ASAP. I met Shonté’s family 3 years later and that’s because I came over during Christmas break and his parents decided no one should spend Christmas alone in another state. Yeah I was literally going to stay at his dads apt alone if his parents didn’t want me to come. Yikes. You obviously really did like me. Don’t worry I can’t wait until you meet my brother and my nephews. My nephews are my treasure, so you are very special!!! I remember the last day of March.. March 31st we went on our first date!! No ones ever gone all out for me like that... I was speechless. You took me to the fish market. You got a small bowl of clam chowder and I got fish and chips. We walked down king street and we went to go see Kai. You paid for our tickets to get on the ferry. I’ve never been on that one!! It was cold but there was a beautiful view. We got to NH and we passed by a spicy sauce store. We still have to go there!!!! Then we got on the Ferris wheel. I had so much fun with you. The first time I went on it I didn’t have much of a good time. So thank you for giving me a better memory!!💗

April: Jacob called me his girlfriend over text. I remember I completely ignored it. You pointed it out and I told you I wasn’t your girlfriend until you ask me. I’m glad I stood up for myself. I wanted you to know I am different. April 12 we woke up super early and took acid. We spent the whole trip in bed binge watching breaking bad. I love that. Later that night you casted a slideshow for me. That’s when you asked me out. I found it so cute and I loved the effort you made to ask me to be your girlfriend. I went and got tested this month. I was scared tbh. I wish I would have been smarter and asked Jacob some more serious questions before having sex without a condom. But when we had sex I was okay with it, i could have said no put one on but i really wanted to know what you actually felt like too. & I loved it. I could never go back. Well unless I find those vibrating condom thing. We gotta try. But anyways. I didn’t have peace of mind until my dr. called. I don’t mean to judge. But I’m glad all is good. School was going well! I was working on my website. I was nannying and teaching Jonah Spanish on thursdays. I was also making $ in the side with Sophie, and Guy& Coleman as well as the church! I was productive... you see.. not smoking weed.. I was sober. This is why I’m harder on myself. I could be doing more. Anyways. April was a good month.

May: In May I finished my spring semester!! I took 5 classes. All A’s and B’s. I worked SO hard. I remember I stayed up all night until 4am studying my history notes. Over and over and over. Took a 2 hour nap and went to school. Took my finals and had to hurry and pick up Jonah for tutoring. It was so nice to go out to eat for dinner that day. I was proud of myself. I finessed my communications professor to bring my grade from a B to an A. It took some convincing but he did it. He gave me those extra points. I went home for Mother’s Day. This was wonderful... 2019 I finished paying off to install my moms tombstone. And my brother and I went to see her for Mother’s Day. We got her a bouquet of red roses. Her favorite! It was nice even though my brother was a total dick to me on that 40 minute Uber ride. Zahria didn’t hang out with me this weekend and I was very upset about that. She was mad that I was going to see Michael. Michael and I still speak tbh. Mostly about drugs and life. I was always a real friend to him since freshman year. But now I understand where she was coming from. Jacob and I would FaceTime each other at night now & fall asleep. So cute. I went back home and it took sometime to be okay again. That toxic, negative energy back home is some serious shit. Summer semester started and I only took one class for 6 weeks!!

June:

Pride was so much fun. I wish I went the second day, but I had school and work on Monday. I didn’t want to be out late on a Sunday. But I really had a great time. Too bad I’m so awkward. This is the month Jenn was helping me speak up to Carol and Aaron about the contract. I was terrified. THAT WAS HARD FOR ME. That was so hard for me. But I did it. I spoke to them about it and I decided the best decision was to move out. It’s crazy bc at this time I found my love for champagne. I was drinking so much of it. Tbh that’s how I gained so much weight. Alcohol!!!!!! Anyways. I was sitting in Jacobs closet and he came to talk to me. We talked about what happened and you brought up if I wanted to move in with you. I said yes. So I gave my decision. They didn’t want to give me any money. I would get $200 a month for food if I worked more hours from the morning. As well as no summer tutoring so I would have to readjust my hours on the weekends and I wasn’t about it. So I cleaned up my room. They wanted me out ASAP. Marcus and Jacob helped me moved half my stuff. The other half Aaron helped. They weren’t in a good mood that days Carol gave me a hug though and told me she loves me. I closed another chapter. I was nervous and worried to move in with Jacob but it wasn’t too bad.

July: Jacob always tries his best to make me feel welcomed. He moved his desk over and gave it to me. He moved his shelf and fridge to make more space. You were okay with me taking the closet. You never once complained. You were okay that I had a lot of things. I was so worried about it all, but you always comfort me. I started working with Andrea. It was a blessing answered from God. I remember telling Jacob I wanted to take care of another 3 month old again.. and then Bradley came along. That baby brought me a ton of happiness whereas Jackson gave me headaches 🤣 I felt good. I was in school. I was making money. I was also babysitting Cora a lot. I made a little over $500 in 3 days. I saw Guy & Coleman. Jacob, Marcus and I went to Dave & busters. I had a lot of fun. I love that wizard of oz machine. I also came across this letter I wrote for myself back in 2016. I was suppose to wait until 2021, but I read it anyways. Wow I accomplished a couple things in there, but the way I saw my life planned was SO WRONG. hahah. I went and renewed my cpr license. The instructor was tough. I was afraid she wouldn’t pass me. I was doubting myself but I had studying. It was just a lot of pressure. I am so proud of myself for passing and I have a renewed certificate now. I ended the month saying goodbye to the Barhydt’s. They moved back to MA.

#personal #mydays