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lassieposting · 6 months

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Been thinking a lot lately about romanced Astarion post-spawn ending.

Because like. The Funnest™ thing about cptsd is how much of it gets delayed. When you're trapped in a lengthy, ongoing traumatic situation, you do not have the ability to process and start healing your mental wounds. Your brain and body go into survival mode, and all that matters in the moment is that you somehow cope with the horrors. He wouldn't have been able to even begin dealing with the physical, mental and emotional toll of two hundred years of torture, brutalization and dehumanization while he was under Cazador's control; he is in constant danger, surrounded by sharks in the water, and survival means not letting them smell blood. He can't afford to fall apart, to show weakness. He is shockingly functional and competent in-game, partly because he has to be to work as a game character, but also partly because...it do be like that, to some degree. When death, for whatever reason, is not an option, you just have to shut down and keep going. People adapt in order to survive, and when we learn that showing an "injury" (physical or psychological) only gets us punished, we learn to hide it.

Early-game Astarion is terrified - of Cazador, of Godey, of being hunted down by his siblings, of being staked or sold off at the first opportunity by Tav and the other companions, of turning into a mindflayer, of another painful transformation, of losing himself when he's only just regained his autonomy after two centuries, of what Cazador will do to him if he ever finds him - the man is overwhelmed by fear. He's on thin ice as a vampire, and he's not going to give them any more reason to want him gone. Survival instinct is still in control, and in this new situation, crafting some fragile safety for himself means not only selling his body for protection, but also being useful. Clear-headed. Good in a fight.

Endgame Astarion finds himself in a completely different situation. The time-sensitive overarching threats - Cazador and impending ceremorphosis - have been dealt with. He has a loving, supportive partner he's really starting to feel safe with - Tav/Durge has proved that they're on his side, that their affection is genuine, that they don't just want him for the one thing he's been told he's good for. They've told him they're going to help him find a workaround for his sun allergy. He's getting fed regularly. He has time to stop, and breathe, and just. Recuperate.

For the first time in 200 years, he is safe.

And it will probably take a while to catch up, during which time he will seem to be coping really well, but at some point, his brain is going to realise that he's safe, and it's going to finally start processing the sheer fucking horror he's been through. Since I haven't seen anyone talking about this particular fun aspect of cptsd, allow me to offer u some thoughts on issues Astarion and Tav might end up dealing with in the months/years postgame, during the

✨ Delayed Trauma Response ✨

Memory Gaps: Astarion realising, as he opens up to Tav, that there are entire years or decades of his life from which he has only a handful of memories. Great big blank stretches where he has no idea where he was, who he was with, what was happening to him. Some of the gaps cover years at a time where he was so dissociated and shut down that he just didn't retain any memories of what was going on around him. Some are shorter periods of particularly horrific torture that his brain has deliberately blocked out to protect him.

Recovered Memories: At some point, years into the future when he's done A Lot of healing, he might find that every now and then, a fragment of those lost memories will unexpectedly come back to him. He'll catch a particular scent on the breeze, or overhear a specific phrase in the street, or cross paths with someone whose face is oddly familiar, and he'll get a glimpse of an acute horror he'd filed neatly away where it couldn't hurt him anymore. He very rarely remembers all the context to those flashes of his past. He might recall that he was punished, but not what he was punished for, or he might remember words spoken by a greedy conquest, but be unable to recall the man's face.

Dissociation: Tav knows going into this relationship that Astarion has basically made an art out of dissociating during sex. They also know, from their shared encounter with the drow twins, that he's not great at enforcing his own boundaries - he'll always say he'll speak up and back out if he stops having fun, but in practice he rarely does; he's not used to having the option of saying no to his partner, and being punished if he tries. So they know there's going to be some practice and experimentation and negotiation necessary there, to figure out the rough limits of his comfort zone. But once he starts really processing, there may be days where he just checks out completely. Tav will touch his shoulder, and he'll startle and apologise - "Terribly sorry, darling, I was miles away for a moment there." And Tav will gently point out that he's been sat in the same spot vacantly staring into the middle distance for hours. They've been checking in on him occasionally and this is the first time he's responded. It's unsettling, to say the least.

Lost Time: Astarion was very young when he was turned, physically mature but emotionally juvenile. He was basically an overgrown teenager, in the phase of life where elves are just starting to learn who they are and what they want, and figure out their place in the world. But he never got to do that, because he spent his formative young adult years in a world where everyone became an abuser, where his only means of surviving was to smile and charm and obey while even his basic human dignity was stripped away. He learned that communication is based on manipulation. He learned that the powerful can do whatever they like to the weak. He learned an incredibly toxic, abusive way of life, and that was his family dynamic, his everyday life, for as long as he can remember. Now that he's free and safe, he's realising that the world doesn't actually work that way and that he's now far behind even shorter-lived races in social/emotional development. He's grieving for the person he could've been. He's grieving for the life he could've lived. He's grieving for all the years he already lost, and the ones he'll lose in the future as he flounders to catch up. A decent chunk of his life was stolen from him, and that's time he will never get back.

Flashbacks & Night Terrors: Specifically the kind where your brain convinces you that an injury you had a long time ago is actually an injury you have (or are receiving) right now. There are nights where he'll wake Tav in a panic, because his back feels like it's on fire, he can feel every freshly-carved wound dripping blood and he's in so much pain he doesn't know what else to do. If Tav looks, they see nothing out of the ordinary - old, long-healed scars, same as always. But the pain and the fear and the distress are all very real to him, and all they can do is try to comfort him, cover his back with cool damp cloths or healing salves, remind him he's safe now and they're not leaving him.

Boundary Shifting: Sometimes, Tav can come up and hug him from behind, and he'll melt into them a little bit and go all soft and happy. Other times, he might flinch away or go rigid at the same gesture. A lot of the time, it really depends on how he's feeling on the day, but at least a little bit of it is deliberate - he's pushing to find the limit of just how much autonomy Tav is willing to give him. He wants to know at what point they'll stop respecting his "no". Will they accept it if he doesn't want a hug? If he wants to sleep in his own room tonight? At what point will understanding turn to anger at being rejected? From the drow twins four/fivesome, we also know he's got a tendency to push his own boundaries, and jump into things he's actually not ready for, and Tav would be the one holding his hand through the fallout as he tries to figure out what his own boundaries even are.

Frustration! So, so much frustration. He wants to be Over It already. He wants to move past everything that ever happened to him and never think about it again. He hates that Cazador still has a grip on him, even in death - he doesn't want to give the bastard the satisfaction of dwelling on all his punishments, his cruelties. Sometimes, that frustration is going to explode outwards at Tav - he'll get angry at them for coddling him, or find something small to start a fight over, or he'll set an unreasonable boundary and try to defend it because he's still learning what healthy boundaries look like. Sometimes, it will implode inwards, and that won't be about Tav at all, but they'll get the brunt of it all the same - it might come out as self-loathing or self-punishment, and he'll react by doing something stupid, like trying to drive them away, because having a secure, relatively healthy relationship is terrifying and the instinct is to destroy it before Tav can. There will be yelling and angry tears and deeply unhealthy coping mechanisms, and they'd have to work through that. Trauma is ugly, and Astarion is right at the beginning of a very long journey towards healing.

Abandonment Issues: Astarion wants the relationship to be one between equals, but he's kind of got Tav on a pedestal all the same. They saved him. They helped him get rid of Cazador for good. They chose him and love him despite a wealth of better (in his eyes) options, and all his baggage. They stayed with him even when he has very little to offer them. We know his vanity and obnoxious self-absorption is a fragile attempt to obscure the fact that his self-esteem is in the dirt and he has virtually no self-worth, and there are a couple of occasions in-game where it becomes clear that he's afraid of losing the one person who somehow considers him lovable. After seeing Sebastian and all the other conquests, he begs Tav not to hate him, saying that he did what he had to. If he has a rival for Tav's affections, and Tav informs him that they broke up with the rival to be with Astarion, he's shocked and the first thing out of his mouth is, "You ended things with them for me? Why?" And if Durge tries to break up with him for his own safety, his facade drops and he immediately asks if he did something wrong. So while he's not afraid to argue with Tav, if something happens - like an angry outburst - that upsets or angers them, and he thinks he's at risk of losing that one steady, stable person in his life, he might well cling and overcompensate to try and repair what he thinks is a fracture in their relationship. He'll fawn or beg or crawl into Tav's bed to "apologise" and "make it up to them" because, well, very occasionally it worked on Cazador. With patience and good communication and lots of repeatedly driving the lesson home to overcome 200 years of education to the contrary, he will eventually start to believe that "I'm really pissed off at you right now," does not equate to, "You are the worst mistake I've ever made and I am leaving you."

Panic Attacks: I feel like honestly he'd get some symptoms of these on a fairly regular basis, but he's never been given any option other than just trying to power through them. He's used to realising he's shaking, he's used to feeling like he's watching himself from outside his body, or like he can't breathe even though he doesn't need to. He's very familiar with the sickening fear in his gut, so intense it makes his head spin. He's not used to being comforted or reassured about them - he thinks they're normal. Tav disagrees.

Anyway, cptsd is messy and complicated and often looks very different from person to person so these will not represent everyone's but these are just some ideas for what the ongoing recovery process might make them work through, based on the aspects I'm most familiar with.

Projecting? Who's projecting? I'm not projecting. Shut up.

#bg3 #bg3 headcanons #bg3 meta #astarion x tav #astarion x durge #mom said it's my turn to project on the blorbo #astarion ancunin

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unohanabbygirl · 6 months

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Loved the new chapter! Jace is really pushing at the boundaries for Luke and I hope Joff is okay. I got to say that the first part with Luke and Owen was disgusting and also heartbreaking. Luke was just trying to find a flicker of happiness in his traumatic life, it’s understandable why he went down the path with Owen. Can’t wait to see how that little revelation plays out with Aemond.

Got a few questions here. How did everyone react to the histories of what Aemond said to Luke at Storm’s End? How aware are the family and Brienne of each other in reincarnation terms? Despite the shitty hand he was dealt with in his new life, how is Luke gonna feel that his old life ultimately led up to being a spark that ignited a war?

Thank you babes!

The Omen scene was pretty heavy for me to write out just as any scene that has to do with abuse/SA, so I’m glad it paid off as making readers uncomfortable during these scenes is always my goal. We’re supposed to feel slimy and icky during these moments. Our discomfort is only a sliver of what Luke’s been through, a true look into a world that certain forms of media either romanticize or undermine just how horrid these stories really are.

Omen and his bio mom are two of the biggest monsters Luke’s ever faced. In his mind their betrayal and abuse was worse than anything some random shitty foster parent or pedo looking to get off could ever put him through. It’s not even about the physical or mental aspect, but how Omen broke him emotionally. Got him to share secrets, hopes, and fears he’s always kept locked away as the things that were most precious to him, something that couldn’t be stolen only to use those secrets as leverage. Aemond will definitely need to physically been peeled off of Owen for taking these things he knows mean so much to Luke as only to throw them back in his face. We might even see that thousand year old blood lust make an appearance once time comes 👀

I love questions. Lets go!

. 1 - Hmm, there are three categories I split their reactions into; #1 those who actually think it’s embarrassing because he sounded like an elementary school boy with big crush who keeps pulling on a girls ponytail to get her attention. #2 those who wanted to beat him black and blue. #3 those who feel bad because its so obvious he just wanted to be seen and was suffering from a lot of inner demons.

Of course Aegon and Daemon fall into the first category seeing as these two have always known about Aemond’s fascination with Luke. Everyone else except Alicent and Helaena (who are in cat 3) fall into category two. Jace being one of few who’s actually made good on his desire to whoop Aemond’s ass.

Alicent and Helaena have always been both his biggest defenders and his the few who actually understand him. They see his goading as a way to be recognized as they remember how upset he was that Luke barely paid him any mind during the blacks return to the keep before dinner. To them, his cruel words were to be expected. Though they don’t agree with the weird bits about Rhaenyra being a whore because…yea. He has some odd quotes about his sister.

.2 - They aren’t aware of who one another truly are at all which is one of my favorite parts about this. Everyone is so caught up in their own stories that they never actually take the time to wonder if people in their day to day lives are reincarnated folk from different time periods regardless of how obvious it may be to us on the outside,

Now, do people entertain the idea? Definitely. I’d be lying if I said that Jace wouldn’t kill to meet Jon Snow and talk to him about how he overcame that feeling of needing to constantly prove himself in the face of his bastardy. But he doesn’t entertain the possibility because the idea that not only those from his time, but those who lived hundreds of years after his death came back as well is a bit too good to be true. Though if anyone was able to put two and two together it would probably be Egg.

.3 - Luke will definitely feel that he’s the reason for his families downfall. Not only because he’s lived these past 17 years continuously blaming himself for every bad card he’s been dealt, but that his old self-loathing and low self-esteem is making a bit of a comeback. These two personalities which are both filled with such a low self-image and feelings of unworthiness clashing together is a recipe for disaster.

#asks

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bladedhatsandstars · 4 months

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About

…the muse

Name: Robert E. O. Speedwagon

Age: varies.

Pronouns: he/him

About:

A tertiary character from Jojo’s Bizarre Adventures parts one and two. Gang leader in the toughest slums in late Victorian period London, near White Chapel. Traveled extensively before the age of 25 before settling in the slums to oust the former gang leader and start his own reign with the alliances he made between other gangs, locals, and people he met around the world.

Background:

Born during the late Victorian Period in the slums of London where classism, capitalism, and xenophobia rule (gee, doesn’t that sound familiar?), Robert has seen it all. He’s been in enough scraps, he can tell a good person from a cruel person by the scent of their sweat. As such, he will sometimes antagonize a person to get a better read on them if they are particularly good at hiding their emotions. Even Narcissists can’t get past His nose or survival-honed instincts!

Though marked by a deep, permanent facial scar stretching from the bridge of his nose to his chin, Robert is much more than a seasoned robber and conman. Empathetic to a fault, he worries about those he gets to know, and it’s given him a Robin Hood complex: steal from the rich to feed the poor. Even when he becomes rich himself, he keeps his dream to better the lives of the city’s outcasts, and uses his newfound wealth, and the sudden social class changes it gives him, to start making changes for the better! He employs his friends and other “unemployable” workers, finding their special strengths that others might overlook and gives them the resources they need to pursue their dreams (like Smokey Brown changing from a street thief to a town mayor). He starts humanitarian efforts around the world, rebuilding broken streets like his hometown slum, researching medicine to heal the sick, preserving cultures and land for indigenous people and animals, and… secretly…searching for supernatural threats to all of humanity.

His fear that the whole world will be subjected to the same levels of cruelty he’s grown up with keeps him on his toes his whole life. He will never turn his back on danger to those he cares about… Even if that danger is far too powerful for him to face with his own martial art prowess and weapon proficiency. In the words of an infamous general, “torture will not work” on him. For a man who’s already “seen Hell”, nothing humans do will shake him. The only things this man fears are supernatural forces that can take away everything he loves in an instant.

Depending on the verse and time setting, this muse can be played as a child; a youth traveling on ships and caravans seeing the world; a scrappy young gangster joshing with his best friends and terrorizing the public; a narrating sidekick; a deeply traumatized young man trying to figure out how to keep himself and his friends’ lives together without falling apart himself; a miner following his nose and a dream; an oil baron with No idea how to deal with his new social class or all the people suddenly out to rob him of everything; an oil tycoon settled into his role of dismissing politicians and anyone else trying to use his wealth for their gain and setting his sights on his own dream of helping the world and the less fortunate; a philanthropist and humanitarian trying to save art and culture from WWI and II and deport endangered citizens from the Axil’s clutches; a heartbroken godfather; a desperate grand godfather trying to help raise a boy who reminds him so much of everything he’s loved and lost, including his younger self; a pioneer for human health, technology, habitat preservation, animal rights protection, and researching the supernatural and mythical; a foster father for New York’s future mayor; and a proud great grandfather who dotes on his adopted family, and loves his work, his employees and friends around the world, and still travels extensively despite being an octogenarian.

RP Verses

Canon

❅ Will my heart thaw the frost (Young Speedwagon)

✞ Will my heart endure the frost (old Speedwagon)

Fateverse: Canon until a key event changes the course of Fate

✹ My heart shines on (Jonathan lives)

✩ My heart shall be your guide (Old Speedwagon, with Jonathan and family by his side)

Others:

- Kid verse: Mini Wagon will cut ya. Beware the gremlin munchkin!

AUs for JJBA

- Golden Speedstar: a certain golden haired heir to the Joestar line is cloned from Robert’ and Jonathan’s DNA. Robert gets to be a father and he’s not sure what to think about it.

- Caesar Lives: All canon events happen as written but Caesar survives and gets to torture/guide Joseph

- Swap verse: What if Robert was the nobleman and Jonathan was the gangster?

- Future verse: Robert is sent to the future/ or lives an unusually long time/ or we revamp canon to modern setting. Robert gets to live in an era with cellphones, internet, and Stands.

- Kid verse: can be set in canon time or modern

Other Possible AU ideas:

- medieval fantasy verse with Speedwagon as a winged creature.

- Pirate verse: Captain Speedwagon and his merry men, Ahoy!

- Anthro verse: works for Zootopia, Ducktales, Darkwing Duck, and similar anthropomorphic animal shows

- Animal verse: Horse Wagon anyone? Or Wolf Wagon? Something along the lines of Balto or Survivors could work. I have a Spirit: Stallion of the Cimarron AU

Other ideas? Feel free to plot with me!

…the mun

Name: Lupineleigh aka Tempest Loupnoir

Age: 21+

Pronouns: she/her

My muse does cuss but the mun prefers to avoid writing it out so some curse words may be censored. You do not need to censor yourself. If I’m feeling up to a good old fashioned Faff, I’ll look up words for him to use that fit the timeframe but I may lack the energy for research. If you have references I can refer to, let me know. I’m happy to learn and grow as a writer!

I use an outdated mobile app for responses so fonts, special characters, reaction images, response trimming, and hiding long posts will be difficult for me. I’ve been on here since 2013 and I’m Still figuring this confounded site out! 😆

I might respond in seconds, or I might take a week to respond, depending on the amount of energy I need to provide the response. Response lengths vary. I might write multiple paragraphs. I may write one sentence. My muse is very emotionally reactive with a hyperactive mind, intrusive thoughts, and keen senses, so what might fill up paragraphs on the page could happen in a second in real time. Just like JJBA.

My DMs are open, so feel free to chat or discuss plots with me.

Word of Note: This should go without saying but Mun ≠ Muse. We don’t even speak the same English language! I only know 21st century American English. Just because I like this character, that does not mean I condone everything he does or make the same choices. My interpretation is for my personal enjoyment and may not be one you like. That’s okay! There are other rpers or even other characters that I play that you might enjoy more. We’re all here to have fun, so let’s get started, shall we?

Disclaimer:

There is the usual gore and violence triggers that comes with watching JJBA. They will not be tagged unless requested. Heavier themes like child abuse or death will be tagged as #tw: x and placed under a cut.

#About #he’s morally gray but he’s innately kind and determined #Speedwagon still changed his social status in the SBR verse without Joestar influence. This man is going places #long post #Speedwagon rper #Speedwagon muse

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bluejayblueskies · 3 years

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Please say more abt how Martin fits the closed off trait I'm begging 👁👁

Okay, so I got a bit carried away with this and it got quite lengthy....

I've put a TLDR above the cut and the details, transcripts, and general discussion below the cut!

TLDR: Martin is at his core a closed-off character who keeps his vulnerable feelings hidden and close to his chest. He instead focuses on caring for others and considering their feelings above his own, particularly in the case of Jon, who he cares for (sometimes to the point of self-sacrifice) throughout the podcast. His arc with the Lonely in season four and his interactions with Jon in season five demonstrate this lack of emotional vulnerability, and it's really only during the moments he spends by himself that we get significant insight into Martin's emotional state and inner thoughts.

Martin, to me, is a character who is very used to hiding how he feels. He tends to care for others at the expense of himself, has low self-esteem, and has a predilection towards the Lonely, all of which go hand-in-hand with somebody who is very used to hiding their emotions--particularly the negative ones--because they either think they're not important or that they're inconvenient and inappropriate for the situation. On a textual level, that's probably due to growing up with a sick (and likely unsupportive) mother who he had to take care of, where there was 'no time' for his emotions to get in the way or for him to prioritize himself in any way, shape, or form.

Martin is self-destructive, dislikes moments of emotional vulnerability, and (I would argue) genuinely struggles when he doesn't have somebody else to prioritize over himself. (His mother at first, but as the series goes on, Jon settles comfortably into this role for him.) Additionally, the biggest way that we, the audience, know anything about Martin's emotional state is when he's alone and self-reflecting (such as in MAG 170 and 186 or when talking to the tapes) or when he's forced to talk about something vulnerable (such as when Jon confronted him about his CV).

We don't get much insight into Martin's character between seasons one and three (at least not as much as we get in four and five), but I find myself drawn to this bit in MAG 118, when Martin is talking to Elias:

MARTIN

So what? I don’t get to be angry? I don’t get to burn things? Just, just run around, making tea, while everyone else gets to actually have feelings?

I think two things are important to note here. The first is that Elias is surprised (or least intrigued) that Martin is acting in this way--specifically, acting on his emotions in such a dramatic way. (And given that Martin is doing this as a distraction, rather than actually acting out because of his own emotions, maybe he's right to be surprised.) The second is that this line very much implies that Martin doesn't talk about how he's feeling, not like 'everyone else' does. He doesn't talk about it, doesn't act on it--just 'runs around, making tea.' And when Melanie comes back in after Elias is done, Martin immediately focuses on the plan and whether it succeeded, ignoring Melanie when she asks if he's okay or not. He closes himself off, and as far as we know, doesn't talk about it at all after that.

And then Jon goes into his coma, and we reach season four.

Martin is incredibly closed-off during season four. He's self-isolating, self-sacrificial, and approaching a state of genuine emotional numbness by the time he's cast into the Lonely. There's a lot to unpack there, but I'm going to focus on a few main things, many of which can be drawn from this bit in MAG 158:

MARTIN

It’s not him! It’s not anybody. It’s just me. Always has been. I…

When I first came to you, I thought I had lost everything. Jon was dead, my mother was dead, the job I had put everything into trapped me into spreading evil and I… I really didn’t care what happened to me. I told myself I was trying to protect the others, but… honestly we didn’t even like each other. Maybe I just thought joining up with you would be a good way to get killed.

And then… Jon came back, and… and suddenly I had a reason I had to keep your attention on me. Make you feel in control so you didn’t take it out on him. And if that meant drifting further away, so what? I’d already grieved for him. And if it meant now saving him, it was worth it.

When you started talking about the Extinction, though… you had me actually, then, for a while. But then – (laughs sardonically) then, you tried to make me the hero. Tried to sell me on the idea that I was the only one who could stop it. And that I’ve never sat right with me. I mean, I mean, look – look at me, I’m not exactly a – a chosen one. But by then I was in too deep. So I played along. Waited to see what your end game was, and here we are.

Funny. Looks like I was right the first time. It’s probably still a good way to get killed?

This monologue is a big insight into Martin's thought process during this season, and I'm mostly going to focus on two parts: the self-sacrifice and the prioritization of Jon.

Self-sacrifice

There's quite a bit of discussion about Jon's self-sacrificial tendencies, but less so about Martin's, both in this season and in season five. In my opinion, Jon's self-sacrificial tendencies originate from (among other things) survivor's guilt from his traumatic childhood experience with Mr. Spider, his increasing belief that he's less than human, and the fact that he prioritizes the lives of others over his own. Martin's self-sacrificial tendencies, while very similar, come from the fact that he thinks he only has worth if he can help and care for someone else and the fact that he doesn't think he's important enough to live. (For example, he says in MAG 158 that he's 'not exactly a chosen one' and says in MAG 198 that he's 'not important enough to kill.')

It's a subtle difference between these two things, and I would argue that while Jon's tendencies are more rooted in the 'help' (ie, 'I want to help other people and I will sacrifice myself to do it'), Martin's tendencies are more rooted in the 'hurt' (ie, 'I will sacrifice myself and other people will be helped in the process'). There is, of course, overlap, and it's not a black-and-white distinction between the two, but ultimately, I think Martin is so used to prioritizing others' emotions and needs above his own that when he's left mostly alone as he is at the end of season three, with the only person left to hold onto being in a coma (possibly forever), he falls back into the same patterns of self-destruction and closed-offness, only without the 'help' to go along with the 'hurt' because there is nobody left to help (especially after his mother dies). Ultimately, he joins up with Peter because he thinks it 'would be a good way to get killed.'

Prioritization of Jon

But then Jon wakes up from his coma, and now Martin has justification for his self-sacrifice again, because he can protect Jon by continuing to work with Peter!

... Maybe.

Jon isn't harmed by Peter during season four, sure, but he does climb into the coffin and visits Ny-Ålesund and is tracked down by Julia and Trevor and struggles emotionally and morally with his own humanity and is hurt, in a way, by the distance Martin puts between them. And I hesitate to place blame for the apocalypse on anybody but Jonah, but if we're going to argue in-canon that Jon was responsible for the apocalypse (he wasn't, but that's not the point of this post), then Martin contributed to that blame and responsibility because it was his actions and decisions that ultimately drew Jon into the Lonely and resulted in him getting the 14th and final mark. (Again, I don't think Jon or Martin are at fault for the apocalypse, but if we were to blame Jon, we could blame Martin as well.) It was only after getting that mark that Jonah was able to use Jon to end the world, something that was hugely hurtful for Jon. So did Martin really protect Jon at all by staying away from him and continuing to work with Peter? Or was that just a convenient excuse to keep self-destructing?

Jon and Martin, in my opinion, had very similar arcs in season four. Martin was sinking further into the Lonely and Jon was sinking further into the Eye. We hear a lot more about Jon's emotional struggle with this given that he's the POV character, sure, but Jon also talks about this with other people. He talks about it to Helen (MAG 152):

JON

…

When does it stop?

HELEN

(impatient) What?

JON

The guilt. The misery. All the others I’ve met, they’ve been – cold, cruel. They’ve enjoyed what they do. When does the Eye (inhale) make me monstrous?

And to Daisy (MAG 136):

JON

My – (large sigh) My memories of the coma are not clear, but I know I made a choice; I made a choice to become… something else. Because I was afraid to die. But ever since then, I – I don’t know if I made the right decision; I’m stronger now, tougher, I can – (he cuts himself off) If I do die, now, or get sealed away somewhere forever? I don’t know if that’s a bad thing. And I don’t want to lose anyone else, so if I can maybe – stop that happening, and the only danger is to me, I – I’ll do it in a heartbeat; worst case scenario, the universe loses another monster.

But all we really get from Martin are the things he tells the tapes when he's alone and the monologue he gives in MAG 158. It makes sense that he wouldn't be as open, yes, given the nature of the Lonely, but I can't help but think of (MAG 154):

JON

The Lonely’s really got you, hasn’t it?

MARTIN

(no hesitation) You know, I think it always did.

Jon was always curious and hungry for knowledge; the Eye amplified it. Martin was always closed-off and isolated; the Lonely amplified that as well.

But then Jon pulls Martin out of the Lonely, they flee to the safehouse, and three weeks later, the apocalypse begins. Martin isn't as consumed by the Lonely as he was in season four, he's with Jon--the person he loves--for extended periods of time, and they're in an extremely stressful situation that's sure to be incredibly emotionally charged. There's a lot to be said about Jon's emotional vulnerability during season five and how Martin both pressures him for it and rejects it in different ways, but for the purposes of this post, I won't go too far into detail about the motivations behind how Jon is feeling and acting.

I will say, however, that in season five, Martin still continues to place a lot of focus on asking Jon how he's feeling, encouraging (or pressuring) him to share, and getting frustrated when Jon can't or doesn't (MAG 167):

MARTIN

Okay, so how exactly would you describe your current emotional state regarding all of this?

JON

I –

MARTIN

(overlapping) Go on, I’m all ears.

JON

I feel…

MARTIN

(go on) Mhm.

JON

(sigh) I feel… sad.

[Brief pause.] MARTIN

(flat) Sad.

JON

Very sad.

MARTIN

(*very* flat) Very sad.

[He sighs slightly as he says it. Their bags jangle.]

A few moments prior to this, Martin expresses displeasure that Jon is Knowing things about him, specifically pointing out his emotions (MAG 167):

MARTIN

It’s just – it’s weird knowing that you can know literally everything I think and feel. E-Especially since you’re not exactly the most open of people – emotionally, I mean.

I think Martin is making an effort to open up more to Jon. But I still think it's difficult for him to talk about how he feels so openly, and while he is completely in the right for not wanting Jon to Know things about him without his permission, I think it's interesting that the focus is on his feelings and that he brings up how Jon isn't emotionally open immediately after. It scares Martin to think that Jon could know, at any given moment, how he's feeling, and I think it's partially because he's not used to that level of vulnerability. He turns the focus on Jon, away from himself, and doesn't really make an effort to talk about how he's feeling about all of this, instead prioritizing Jon's feelings and mental state like he's grown comfortable with.

And when Martin bottles up his emotions--of which there are a lot, in such a stressful environment, they can explode out in hurtful ways:

MARTIN

(overlapping) I know! I know, okay, I just – (bracing exhale) Look, I j,just – don’t want to get burned, all right? It’s, it’s like my least favorite pain ever.

JON

Is that – a joke?

MARTIN

(a bit faster, a bit shaky) No, no, okay? I, I legitimately hate burns, alright? They’re, they’re awful, and they scar horribly, and they just – it – it just makes me sick; I, I hate it. Hate it!

I don't think Martin really thought about what he was saying when he told Jon, who has a large burn scar on his hand, that burn scars make him sick, and I don't think he meant it maliciously. But he'd spent the greater portion of the conversation talking around the fact that he didn't like burns and that was why he didn't want to go into the building, and so when it finally ended up coming out, it did so in an explosion of emotion rather than a conscious decision to share. Martin doesn't have a good handle on his emotions, and he doesn't have a good handle on sharing them.

(Is it too much for me to say that Martin was more emotionally vulnerable with himself in MAG 170 than he was with Jon when Jon finally found him?)

Throughout season five, Martin asks Jon questions, he expresses frustrations with Jon, he shows discomfort or fear at times, but for as much as Martin feels frustrated that Jon isn't talking about how he feels about their situation, Martin really isn't doing so either. The most he talks about his feelings is in MAG 170 and MAG 186, when he's by himself, and I remember MAG 186 in particular because before that, we really didn't know what Martin was thinking about for the majority of the season! And in this episode, we find out a lot of very important things about Martin's character. Like (MAG 186):

ALSO MARTIN

Look, I know what you know. Maybe I’m just a bit more… open about it.

Also-Martin acknowledges that Martin often doesn't say what he means and hides what he really feels, telling him that it's 'hard to be vulnerable,' and Martin is initially very resistant to the idea. And then, when Also-Martin suggests that Martin wants to stay so that he can be 'quietly sad,' we get (MAG 186):

MARTIN

We could talk to Jon about it.

ALSO MARTIN

We could. But we both know that loved ones make the worst therapists. They’re too wrapped up in trying to stop you hurting to actually help. But hey, we know all about that, am I right?

MARTIN

There’s nothing wrong with comforting people.

ALSO MARTIN

A cup of tea isn’t a resolution. At best it’s a… a plaster. At worst… a muzzle.

This is very interesting to me, because for all that Martin tries to help other people, he also believes that comfort doesn't always help and that you can't be your loved one's 'therapist.' I think this gives a lot of insight into why Martin doesn't share his emotions with the people he cares about, especially Jon; he doesn't want to put Jon in the position where he'll become his 'therapist,' and he doesn't necessarily think Jon can help. So instead, Martin just chooses not to be vulnerable at all, because he doesn't want to burden the people he cares about. But, when it's just him (MAG 186):

ALSO MARTIN

Don’t lie. You don’t need to. Not here. It’s just us.

He doesn't feel like he needs to pull his emotional punches. He can't accidentally hurt somebody or put them in an awkward position; it's just himself. But what's said to himself remains with himself, and (at least on tape), he doesn't discuss any of this with Jon. Not even the bit about, if it came down to it, Martin would have rather had Jon smite him than continue to rule over a domain. He goes right back to being closed-off around Jon, but now we, the audience, know what lies underneath, and how little of it reaches the surface.

In fact, the thing Martin's probably most vocal about is how Jon's feelings about himself bother him (MAG 199):

MARTIN

I guess that’s why it really bothers me, you know? I try, but I can’t actually imagine ever making a decision that I knew meant losing you.

And it… It hurts to know you can.

And I think he has a tendency to use anger and frustration to cover up hurt, shying away from the admission that something Jon's done has hurt him (an incredibly vulnerable thing) and instead relying on the less-vulnerable and more external anger to cover it. This is more speculation than true analysis, but I think that's a lot of what's happening in MAG 200, when he discovers that Jon has already assumed the position of the pupil and has, in Martin's eyes, broken his promise.

#tma #the magnus archives #martin blackwood #tma meta #jonathan sims #(because i do talk about jon a bit in this too)#i actually think martin isn't good with emotions at all #both his own and others'#i think he doesn't quite know what to do with them so he puts on a mask and defaults to things he knows will work #*thinks about the low empathy autistic martin high empathy autistic jon post with love in my heart*

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yostresswritinggirl · 3 years

Text

One of the first few girls I'll ever write in here wobdoswsn- I'm going on my base knowledge of Jean here and it's not gonna be a pretty start, mind you. I don't ship characters really but I see the dynamic in this one, honestly one of the fics that are easiest to write for me. Also I just realized how many poly asks are there aodhsosnxons—

Chivalry Isn't Dead

Poly Relationship Scenarios with You, Jean and Diluc!

Background (How It Started)

You are a knight in Ordo Favonius, the place where you met Jean and Diluc for the first time. You were there when they both started and you were also there when they ascended to be the Dandelion Knight and the Cavalry Captain.

You became close first with the captain, the first one you've met between them, because of the fact that you were under his unit. Back then he was very open and close with you, teaching you and making sure you were intact.

When Jean ascended, that's when she found out about you due to the nature of her work as one of the higher-ups. She found you so endearing with your whole-hearted desire to secure Mondstadt.

Jean knew about Diluc for a while now due to his status as one of the youngest to ascend in Captain hood and how their work was closely aligned, and they both collaborate with their silent oaths to protect you. The trio of you are VERY confused over your own feelings, wondering what exactly this entails or which one would you have to choose.

In the span of that mulling, you three had become very close due to your intervention, the glue that keeps you all together literally. You're very physical when you're dealing with people you consider very close, and the both of them always melt upon your embrace.

Between the both of them was light-hearted competition on who can make you feel safer, protect you better. And you are ever so dense over their friendly banter, and the sexual tension between them.

When Diluc left the knights, you had been under the comfort and command of Jean instead, taking your place away from the Cavalry unit to be those of the stationary knights to assist her after she became the Acting Grandmaster. You were devastated over his disappearance the most due to your closeness and Jean was the only person who could keep you sane.

The relationship starts in that period with you and Jean as the first set of couples.

When Diluc came back, his relationship with Jean became estranged and yet there was still a hint of comfort when he was under your presence. Jean was a bit devastated at their new status quo as she had come into terms of her feelings about him during his leave.

You spent most of your time then trying to get close to Diluc again and his feelings came back tenfold, making him finally confess. In front of you and Jean. the tension was thick when Jean finally caught her breath to inform Diluc of your relationship with her.

Horrified yet still adamant, Diluc stood his ground and looked at you both, millions of emotions flashing through his red irises. Jean looked at him longingly and of the old memories they shared protecting you. And you... were trying to understand why you desire them both in the same level.

Your honesty over the situation suddenly opened up the idea of polyamory and it seems that despite the tension between the two ex/knights, with you as their mediator and lover, they were willing to try or wait until you choose only one of them.

Spoilers: You chose both in the end.

How The Relationship Goes

While things go nicely between you and the other two, when it comes to them alone it was... weird. You pretty much carry the triangle here as they were both wary of displaying affection with each other, and most of it has to do with the reputation they have to uphold.

Jean protects you at day, Diluc makes sure you're safe at night. The nature of their work had you evenly split between the both of them and you three chance a fully present meet up by evening when Diluc is still on his shift and Jean has finished her work early.

Speaking of, you and Diluc fret over Jean's overworking albeit different in approach. Diluc would be brash about his opinion, calling her out while still offering materials that may help ever so subtly. While you are more adamant, sometimes dragging her off her seat and you taking over her work while she rests on the couch.

Since her work correlates with yours, you always put double the effort to help her with commissions to make sure it gets cut faster. This sometimes backfires with the both of you overworked, a disappointed Diluc pulling you both to the Winery to relax by the fireplace without the scandalous rumors sparking.

When you show physical affection Jean, she always reciprocates it the best she can, happily granting you attention and letting you cling to her during work. Your presence grounds her, relaxing her at the same time with your bouts of comfort.

When you indulge Diluc with affection, he's stoic and cross armed usually. Because of the nature of his work at the tavern, giving him some loving would need to be done while he works or not at all. The customers would find you behind the counter, clinging to his waist as Diluc serves the drinks nonchalantly, sometimes he wears glare if people were about to comment on it and that usually shuts them up.

Behind closed doors however the Ragnvindr indulges you too with his affection, still stoic but reciprocal, the rarity of it making it the more precious.

Dates RARELY happen between you three because of the fully loaded schedule all three of you have. It only ever happens when you all suddenly have free time or you cry about it.

The both of them spoil you a lot more than you'd realize. Diluc gifts you and Jean materialistically, while yours were small trinkets, Jean's are more for functionality or items that had slipped past her lips once of which Diluc remembers.

Sugar daddy Diluc for the both of you, motherly Jean in retaliation, and you're just their precious darling that will never be hurt under their supervision.

In time, Diluc and Jean would end up getting closer but still behind closed doors for safety. It was only ever you that's so shameless to pour out affection in full display and these two are too intoxicated by your love to pull you away.

During daytime on a weirdly usual occassions the people of Mond frequently spots your trio strolling hand-in-hand around the city, lively chatter about anything and everything before going back to your stuffy workspaces. Diluc would part a few feet away from the headquarters with a kiss on the head for you two. And when he turns back, you and Jean would giggle to yourselves before going to work.

Bonus: Diluc has asked for a professional painter to paint you and Jean, said canvas hanging at his office in the Winery. Jean has a Kamera photo of you three by her office too. And you have them both in a locket.

As Leverage

Your highly advantageous position to garner the heart of not only the Acting Grandmaster's but also the holder of the wine tycoon (and Darknight Hero) had made you a target for many lecherous beings.

While those with mind do not outright take you away, opting to trying to get to your good side as leverage, there are rascals like the Abyss Order who just does what they want and can.

The moment you disappear, both of them are immediately alerted due to their schedules coinciding with yours. And with your kidnapping, they too slip into the shadows, never to return for days.

It was one of the scarce moments that Diluc and Jean are in perfect sync, knowing each other's plans and next move, falling into each other's pace as they carefully concoct their plan for your retrieval.

Jean would definitely cry. As she was the one who mostly basks in your presence, there are many parts of her breakdown that comes to play: the heavy work left behind, your comforting presence that keeps her alive, and the fact that she lost you when she's supposed to keep an eye on you as per silent agreement with Diluc.

She'd cry at him, telling him she's sorry for being careless, and Diluc would comfort her in his arms without ending up as broken as her. This moment had established a bond between them that would be a solid foundation to your triangle, but also a better understanding of how important you are to them.

You disappear three days maximum with how quick and smart they are about the kidnapping.

Abyss Mages were almost forgotten with how quiet they suddenly got after that incident. That massacre.

While traumatized, you are also more than happy to see the newfound closeness between your lovers, as you melt into their tight cuddles after rescuing you.

There may or may not be talks of plans about you and Jean moving in the Winery officially.

Ugh, so cute!!! my bi ass was on full blast here-

@moaa @dandelion-dreams @witchsungie @zelos-simp @legionqueensav @snackgod @rxsalinee @cala-ran @wind-wheel

#genshin impact x reader #diluc x reader #jean x reader #genshin impact #exile.goblet #exile.flower #genshin impact headcanons #sojourner specials #hhhhhh #cute #gender neutral

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moomingitz · 3 years

Text

It’s... interesting looking back at the Jak and Daxter series, because when the second and third games first came out during my edgy teen years my mindset for them was mostly, “OMG Jak is now a buff and rugged edgy boi, he’s saying curse words, and has a literal edgy dark side to him. And Daxter is a big playboi who doesn’t hide his love for bewbs. Jak and Daxter is no longer for babies but for mature big kids like me!”

But looking at the series now; Holy shit, Jak has had it rough. Where do I even begin? This is going to be long, so get comfortable:

First, Jak was ripped away from his father at a very young age due to an insurrection. Then he was kidnapped by one of the people who was responsible for it, with the intention of being used to awaken some ancient Precursor technology, but luckily he somehow escaped and then was taken in by a rebellion group.

Then he was sent back into the past to be raised by Samos, the Sage of Green Eco. While that was a good thing for Jak, since he was able to grow up in a loving and supportive environment, what happened to him before that is something that would still be traumatic to a little kid especially in the form of something like Separation Anxiety. While this goes into headcanon territory, I can’t help but wonder if that had a lot to do with why Jak was the mostly silent type before the events of the second game. But thankfully he was lucky to grow up with two best friends like Daxter and Keira.

Surely you think that would be the end of misfortune Jak would have to go through. Wrong!

Fast forward to where he’s now 15 years old and everything seems all good and exciting after he and Daxter saved the world from Dee Snider and his twisted sister. Sure they didn’t accomplish what they set out for by turning Daxter back into his old humanoid self, by Daxter is content staying as a furry anyway. At least they saved the world and found some ancient Precursor technology. But hold up! Turns out it was some kind of rift gate and the moment they activated it some giant bug monster pops out and they’re all separated and thrown into some new place they’ve never seen.

Literal seconds later, before Jak or Daxter have any time to react or process what exactly just happened and where they ended up, Jak is immediately arrested and knocked unconscious, despite doing nothing wrong. He’s then tortured and experimented on for the next two years, in hopes of turning him into a living weapon by pumping Dark Eco into him. Keep in mind Jak was only 15-16 years old during those nightmarish two years of his life. But his BFF Daxter never gave up looking for him and eventually rescued Jak.

Upon busting out Jak has no damn idea where exactly he is, and when he does it turns out him and Daxter are now in a totalitarian, police state of a hellhole where never ending propaganda is blared everywhere you go, and where Jak’s only crime is just existing. Oh, and there’s currently an ongoing war between this police state regime ruling the city and some species called Metal Heads, so the territory outside the city is near inhospitable. So just simply leaving Haven City isn’t really an option. It’s either deal with the Krimson Gaurd who will get on you for just sneezing in the wrong direction, or claw your way for survival outside the city walls.

Until finding Samos and Kiera much later, Daxter is the only familiar and welcoming face Jak still had until then(the only exception being Sig in the “welcoming face” department).

Oh, and it turns out those Dark Eco experiments gave JAk some dark Hulk like form that he has trouble controlling(at least that’s what the game tells us). Oh, and they eventually learn that this shithole place they found themselves in is actually their home 500 years into the future. Oh, and it turns that this little kid they’ve been having to protect from both the Krimson Guard and the Metal Head army is actually Jak’s younger self.

Despite all that, the rebellion group and many of the criminals they had to work with eventually warm up and even become their friends, the authoritarian regime eventually crumbles, and they kill the Metal Head leader. Even though Jak doesn’t go back to his childhood home in the past, Keira, Samos, and Daxter choose to stay with him in the future, so he’s definitely not alone in the end. Happy ending earned, and that should be the end of all the bad stuff to happen in Jak’s life, right?...

Of course that wouldn’t be the end of bad traumatic shit to happen to Jak!

Right after the events of the second game, Jak is not only blamed for the fallout of the Praxis regime falling and the Metal Head army’s demise, but he’s outright banished to the Wasteland, no thanks to some weasely council member, Veger.

But ya boi Daxter snuck out to join Jak in his exile, so at least Jak still has his best friend with him. Jak now has to survive in a Mad Max esque land after proving himself worthy to Damas, the leader of some refuge village. But it’s kind of good because he slowly gets on this guy’s good graces.

Oh, but later on it turns out this Damas guy is actually the very father Jak was forcibly separated from during his very early childhood. But, Jak only figured that out just as Damas was dying, and he didn’t have a chance to tell Damas that he was his son that’s he’s been wanting to find for years.

It also turns out this Veger douchebag was one of the people aside from Baron Praxis who was responsible for Jak being separated from Dadmas, and was the guy who kidnapped him in an attempt use him to obtain that ancient Precursor technology.

Of course everything works out in the end. But yeah... You see what I mean? Jak was put through the wringer during the events of this whole trilogy! He's done nothing wrong! Yet starting from a very young age he’s either been targeted or dragged into other’s messes for just existing, or for something he had no choice to do in order to survive. The only real thing he did wrong was dragging Daxter over to Misty Island, which led to him being accidentally transformed into an ottsel in the first place. But the events of the first games was all a lighthearted adventure anyway. Aside from that it’s been one unfortunate or traumatic event after another for Jak.

When letting everything Jak went through really sink in, there’s guaranteed trauma and the resulting PTSD this poor guy is going to have to address or else it will inevitably manifest itself in some way later on. Acting gruff and blase' will only work for so long. I know some people get tired with pieces of fiction being compared to Steven Universe, but Steven’s eventual mental breakdown seriously came to mind. And some people will say, “It’s just a vidya game, stop thinking too much into it.”, but there was a conscious decision to take this series into a more dark and mature direction after the first game. So, it’s a bit hard not to think about more possible unpleasant implications based on what happened in the sequels, especially when looking at the events of the games through the lenses of today.

Taking all of this into consideration is also why I think Daxter is seriously the “MVP” of the series.

Daxter grew up being Jak’s best friend, which I’m sure helped Jak a lot after being separated from his father and taken to a literal place in time completely different and unfamiliar to him. I’m very sure his time growing up in Sandover Village and hanging out with Daxter was the best period of Jak’s life. Even after Jak dragged him to Misty Island, accidentally causing him to be transformed into an ottsel, and sacrificing his chance to be turned back to normal in order to save the world, Daxter showed no hard feelings towards Jak and he even learns to like being an ottsel.

He spent two years trying to find out where Jak was being held prisoner in Haven City, and infiltrated the place once he did and helped Jak escape.

And despite not having any fingers pointed towards him for the fallout after the events of the second game, Daxter still chooses to join Jak in exile in the Wasteland.

Daxter has never shown any ill will towards Jak despite him being the one responsible for being turned into an ottsel, and he’s never really abandoned him even when he is given many chances to or a way to get himself out of really bad situations. Despite everything, Daxter is still the same quippy, upbeat dork of a friend Jak has grown up with.

I really believe Daxter helped a lot with keeping Jak’s sanity intact during all of the hell he was put through and beyond. If there was a guaranteed way for someone to sign their own death warrant with Jak, I think harming or outright killing Daxter would be it.

#Jak and Daxter #Jak II #Jak 3 #Daxter #Damas

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polandspringz · 3 years

Text

Thoughts on “No Longer Human”

So, like every other BSD fan right now, I went out and bought No Longer Human by Osamu Dazai in order to better understand the way he is written as a character in BSD and also just because I’ve always wanted to dive into Japanese literature. Since senior year of high school, I have been changed from reading Crime and Punishment by Fyodor Dostoevsky (not because of BSD but for class) and so I was very excited to delve into another classic novel with similar themes.

And I was not disappointed.

In short, No Longer Human reads as a sad tale about a man who feels so ostracized by society, and is ostracized by said society, that he is drawn to such terrible fates. While reading, it is not lost on me the similarities between the main character, Yozo, and Osamu Dazai’s own life. By looking at the time period the novel was set in and the way Yozo acts, while I cannot draw any conclusions on the author himself, the novel captures the life of a man who is undoubtedly (at least to me) neuro-divergent and unfortunately is so during 1930s Japan. Therefore, he is extremely misunderstood, lacking in social skills and desperate to truly connect with others. Because he fails to ever feel “human” he finds the only way he can get attention, or connect to others, is by making them laugh. It’s not my place to say that definitively that Yozo can be read as an autistic character, however I would understand if someone identified traits in him that matched. Ultimately I believe that Yozo was neuro-divergent from birth, and coupled with the assault he suffered at a young age, he was extremely traumatized which with no support from anyone around him, led him down a destructive path. You watch as he goes through manic episodes of highs and lows, seeks out connection through sex, attempts suicide multiple times, and eventually falls into alcoholism and drug addiction before being sentenced to live in a mental hospital. The saddest parts of the book are undoubtedly in the ending, for when Yozo finally opens up and feels like he can trust two people in his life enough that he might just be human, they trick him into bringing him to a mental hospital where he definitively feels in his soul that he is “disqualified as a human being”, forever branded as different and discarded from society even when he is released from the institution. Although Yozo partakes in sexual activity and affairs frequently throughout the book, the true turning point of his downfall is likely when he witnesses his wife being assaulted, as it might have triggered a flashback of his own assault as a child (although not explicitly stated in the book, his reaction to it and the stress it causes him is enough of an example of PTSD for me to believe this).

Perhaps the only part of the book where I felt I could relax and enjoy it, not falling into the despair of the narrative was the short conversation regarding Crime and Punishment itself. The translator notes talked about Dazai’s writing being closest to Dostoevsky, so I was already thinking of how the author of BSD had used that idea in making Dazai and Fyodor interact frequently, but it was even more solidified by Yozo himself talking about the book (like how they also bring up Natsume Soseki’s works as well). I don’t want to sound like I am only interested in reading the Japanese classics because of “some anime”, but rather I am constantly amazed and impressed by the level of detail and research the BSD author must put in to make the characters accurate to the people and works they are referencing. Sure, one can watch BSD and enjoy it simply for it being an anime that is fun and action oriented with interesting characters, as I once did when I first watched it, but it is equally enjoyable and opens up new avenues of thought to understand how the pieces fit together. (I am not caught up in the manga at all but I loved theorizing about Fyodor and his powers back when he was introduced in the anime). To cap off my thoughts on No Longer Human, I just wanted to say that after reading it and finally seeing inside Osamu Dazai’s head, I don’t think there is a scene in BSD that captures the true sadness of this novel except for in BSD Wan. That fireworks scene and Dazai’s lines delivered in that ending scene was the closest to the feeling of depression and lowness that I felt throughout the novel, and it’s probably because all the “goofy” endearing character trait aspect of Dazai’s goal of suicide are stripped away and shown for what it really is. Suicide.

#loved this book #still love crime and punishment more but #very very good #wished i could have read it in its original language but when i pick up studying japanese again that wont be so far off of a dream lol #no longer human #osamu dazai #bungou stray dogs #bsd

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ectonurites · 3 years

Note

My least favorite type of fic!Tim is when he’s portrayed as depressed/very mentally and emotionally unstable, but also at the same time as someone who is like lauded as being super dangerous/the most skilled or something like that?? Those fics where Tim is chugging caffeine and barely sleeping, but characters are still like “oh I wouldn’t wanna piss off Tim he is Dangerous” and that’s annoying enough but then there are fics that at the same time as that portray him as like on the edge of a breakdown. It’s very irritating even if I’m not sure I can articulate exactly why, it just really rubs me the wrong way. Like, I definitely do think Tim has some issues with depression and stuff, but in fics like those it’s treated more like a quirk sort of instead of a serious issue

LMAOO I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT i’m not a fan of that either. I’m apologizing in advance if I sound mean in any of this critique i’m about to give of that fanon version of him. I want to preface this by saying that people can write whatever the hell they want, like, they’re allowed to! And I’m not referencing/calling out any specific works here. Just trends. But I’m gonna bitch about some things I’ve noticed that annoy me, personally. (so again, not saying other people can’t enjoy this stuff! just. not for me)

so like sorry if im mean but this is just me ranting and also this is my blog anyways so:

(nobody take this as an attack on them please because it’s really not)

The problem is a lot of those fics seem to interpret Tim’s behavior in Red Robin (& especially like that last whole arc of his Robin run also by FabNic) as if that’s his normal, rather than the result of a few years of CONSTANT traumatic incidents pushing him to a breaking point (because while all the shit he went through with his Dad, Steph, Kon, Bart, and then Bruce dying was spread out over several years for us as readers, it’s regarded as like within two years in canon! It all happens when he’s 16 and 17. According to the Batman comic right after War Games, Jack was murdered only days after Steph died.

(Batman #634)

That’s a LOT to process for one kid jesus christ)

I love Red Robin honestly, I do, but it is about Tim at the lowest points in his life. It’s the grand finale of Tim’s story, and everything crumbles, that’s kinda the point! The end leaves him in a position to either rebuild himself or fall apart. It’s all about how he chooses to continue after this point!

(Red Robin #26)

The way he acts and the things he does in that comic should be regarded as such. He can’t live the way he does in Red Robin forever or he will literally burn himself out/become something unrecognizable, like, jesus it’s kinda even acknowledged in the comic when he thinks about what his potential futures would be if he keeps it up like he’s doing:

(Red Robin #25)

He sees himself as dead, as Batman (which he has countless times said he doesn’t want to be and at this point in his history almost every time he’s seen a future he became Batman in he had become a killer), or needing to retire and taking over an Oracle-esque role, likely because he exerted himself too much to continue.

When you look at him around this same timeframe when he’s not isolating himself/too deep into the mission and is instead working with his friends back on the Titans, you can see that he is starting to heal and work in a more positive direction. He’s choosing to work on coming out of this rough period by being together with his friends who he loves.

(Teen Titans (2003) #100)

Not to say that you can’t write about situations in which he doesn’t start to come out of it, but if you are doing so it’s something you should be taking seriously because that’s the idea you want to explore, not just acting like it’s perfectly okay or normal? (And again, there are a lot of works that do explore it in good ways, there’s just also a LOT that don’t)

Like, so much content I see just make any sadness and depression and tendency to over-work himself that’s rooted in his traumas (which! those do have a basis in canon!) into a quirky personality trait rather than a response to trauma. Acting as if he’s always been this way and it’s normal for him. That’s what bothers me. If people want to seriously explore the effects of all these incidents and how that plays into his ability to do his job as a hero, then hell yes do it! But when it all gets brushed off as ‘oh thats just tim, he just doesnt eat or sleep or feel any happiness but like its fine he’s just always been like that’ I feel my blood boil.

This also often strikes me as related/tied to fanon’s seemingly never-ending quest to make Tim into this victim of so many things he really wasn’t. They make his childhood 10x worse than it actually was (yes he was lonely because he was sent to boarding schools rather than having his parents around, but he was NOT just left home alone all the time as a child.

(Batman #441)

He snuck away during a school vacation week to follow Bruce one (1) time and to then track down Dick. This is established in his introduction story! PLEASE read Lonely Place of Dying!) and it just... going with those fanon assumptions as being true changes so much of how people characterize him!

Some people will also (not to call out tim/kon shippers especially because I literally am also one but) vilify the shit out of Steph and make their relationship out to be some abusive thing rather than just... a messy teen relationship between vigilantes because they had really complicated lives and baggage with one another? Which they both acknowledge they made mistakes in!

(Red Robin #10)

Or people will vilify the shit out of Dick in regards to the situation at the start of Red Robin, or literally just make anyone who Tim ever had a disagreement with out to be the bad guy despite the actual situations always being way more complex and multi-faceted than that.

And then on top of all that, aside from making him into this ‘im broken 24/7 and not doing anything to fix it also everyone around me is terrible to me’ type of character, because he’s a lot of people’s favorite, they also want him to be as cool and strong as he is at his high points. So they’re projecting all this stuff onto him that makes him what should be a barely functioning person but then also act like that’s fine and he’s able to be a dangerous badass on top of it.

Like I’m sorry but someone who is going out and actively acting as a vigilante like that which is incredibly physically taxing is NOT surviving on coffee alone and no sleep. That’s literally not possible, he’d fucking collapse. (And like, again, if you want to explore him pushing himself to that point, that’s one thing! but acting like he can manage all of that for more than a few days at a time/maybe while working on one really tough case is nuts!) and like, even canon can be a little guilty of this type of thing particularly since the New 52 (Detective Comics 2016 had more than a few references to him barely sleeping, but at least they also made references to him eating normally/healthily and he wasn’t completely self isolating or anything) (and also that comic had him be so self sacrificial he was ready to die to save everyone and only didn’t die because of Mr.Oz’s interference, he’s definitely not in his best place there) but usually it’s still within some realm of possibility.

Also like. The fanon ‘chugging coffee to survive thing’ just annoys the shit out of me because, like, yes there’s a few moments in canon where he’s under a lot of pressure and pushing himself further than he normally would and had some coffee (one of the only times I can even remember him having it on panel is... oh... during that last Robin arc I just mentioned a little while ago shouldn’t be where you source your normal characterization of him because it’s a very difficult situation that pushes him further than he normally would go! huh!) But the thing is like, people play it off for laughs, or like it’s a normal thing he would do at any time in his life! If you want to explore him pushing himself and using coffee as a crutch, like, there’s ways you can write it that takes it seriously, but almost every time I see it come up in fics it is like a core part of his personality and just ‘oh haha silly tim always with his entire pot of coffee he must chug every morning or he’ll die :^)’ And that bothers the hell out of me.

In general it’s just... people treat Tim so weird. They want him to be so many different things that he’s shown himself to be at different times for very specific reasons, except they want him to do all of it at the same time which just doesn’t work. A person can’t function like that, and it’s not even close to who he is in canon.

Again, people can do what they want, and this is just my opinion obviously, but yeah. My two cents on the matter. Read Lonely Place of Dying, read Young Justice, read his Robin run. Read his comics and get a feel for who he was before all the rest of his trauma, and see how he canonically reacts to it along the way. I know reading comics can be tough for some people but so much stuff just echo chambers and becomes barely recognizable in this fandom and it’s just... a shame when it happens with a character ya love.

#Anonymous

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supercasey · 4 years

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Dumb thoughts on the Child Avatars AU

I dunno, just some dumb ideas I’ve had since I started talking about the AU online/brainstorming about it. (Putting it under a readmore for everyone’s sake)

The “Daisy kidnaps Jon” situation in this AU is Daisy riding her bike to Simon Fairchild’s mansion, holding a water-gun up to both Mike and Jon’s heads, and ordering them to ride with her to the grocery store to buy soda and hang out at a nearby playground for the day. Cue Elias flipping tf out when Jon isn’t at Simon’s place when he goes to pick him up later, Simon being half asleep because he was napping while the kids hung out, and Mike getting soaked by Daisy before he agrees to go with her, and since this happens in, like, late fall or early winter, he gets pneumonia afterwards and can’t hang out for awhile, leading to the kids jokingly saying he’s dead. Btw the only reason the trio was found is because Basira was invited after they made it to the park, and she convinced Daisy to let the boys go home. Daisy literally only kidnapped them because she wanted to play with someone.

Also the Buried!Daisy arc is Daisy getting eaten by a Buried controlled sandbox and Jon jumping in after her. The rest of the kids, who thankfully witnessed this, spent the next three hours digging for them, with Breekon & Hope eventually joining in to help since they were in the area. Daisy and Jon form a trauma bond afterwards and are now best friends.

Jon keeps getting marked by shit and it’s stressing Elias out because hE’S NOT READY FOR THE WATCHER’S CROWN YET!!! He needs more time to prepare, but his son is literally getting marked faster than fucking Sonic.

Speaking of Sonic, seeing as the “Console Wars” (Sega vs Nintendo) are happening during this time period, the kids take the rivalry Very Seriously. The biggest arguments are had between Sasha, Daisy, Julia, and Mike, who are all on Team Sega, and Jon, Martin, Tim, and Danny, who are all on Team Nintendo.

Sasha, close to tears she’s so angry: “Sega DO what NintenDON’T, Tim!!!”

When Martin was born, he only had one thick clump of curly hair that was white, but as he’s grown older and entered the Lonely multiple times, more of his hair has begun to turn white. As of the time of the AU “starting” (so when he’s 8 years old), he looks like he has white highlights in his hair.

Trevor isn’t a fully-fledged Hunt avatar yet, but the girls more or less are, so if you’ve ever watched Wolf Children, that’s pretty much the situation Trevor is currently trapped in. His daughters keeping changing into wolf pups and running wild as he frantically tries to hide their powers from anyone who isn’t Gerry.

(All of the kids secretly know already, even Basira.)

Basira is pretty much the only “normal” kid of the avatar children, save MAYBE for Tim, but he’s been deeply marked by the circus and has a few tiny powers (think S3 Jon as he was figuring out some of his powers, but wasn’t a full-on Archivist just yet).

The season 1 gang (including Danny) are the closest group of friends in the AU, save for Daisy and Basira’s friendship, and they hang out a lot at each other’s homes on the weekends.

Adelard usually brings Jane with him for his “trips” away from the institute, so it’s not unusual for her to be gone for long periods of time. But she always sends postcards and gifts to the institute for everyone!

Helen is three years old, so theoretically she should be able to talk, but she rarely does so, preferring to communicate via giggles and laughter. Only Jon, the Stoker brothers, and Michael can understand her, and they take turns translating for everyone else.

Whenever she’s brought to the institute, Helen takes to toddling around after Jon and Martin, giggling up a storm the whole time. Jon finds it a bit annoying while Martin is endlessly amused by her antics.

A list of the guardian’s/adult’s ages before I fucking forget (as of when the AU “starts” in 1994): Gertrude Robinson - 62, Elias Bouchard “Jonah Magnus” - 51 (200+), Peter Lukas - 55, Simon Fairchild - 83 (300+), Gerard “Gerry” Keay - 30, Michael Shelley - 32, Alfred Grifter - Unknown, Adelard Dekker - 48, Nikola Orsinov - 30ish (100+), Annabelle Cane - 34 (Unknown), Trevor Herbert - 47, Agnes Montague - 25ish (60+), Jude Perry - 35, Jared Hopworth - 29, The Admiral - 10.

The “good” parents all keep trying to set up some kind of PTA meeting so they can actually talk about how to raise these supernatural kids properly, but it keeps going horribly wrong; last time they tried, Alfred Grifter and his band showed up and nearly made Simon go deaf, so no one wants to initiate the next attempt at a meeting.

Tbh, at this point the Fear rituals are more successful than Elias’s shitty attempts at forming a PTA.

At some point in the AU Gerry, Michael, and Trevor all pitch in to buy a decently big house together, which leads to some serious Shenanigans now that Melanie is around Michael and Trevor’s kids/wards... let’s just say there’s gonna be a lot of knife related accidents.

Gerry taught Melanie how to fight when he took her in and it is the single worst decision he’s ever made in his short, goth life, even if he’ll never admit it. Melanie can now beat the shit out of everyone but Julia and Daisy, and it’s pure chaos every time. Tim puts up a decent fight, but he’s been spoiled on easy wins over his brother all his life. Jon tries and fails to so much as push her. Martin runs away crying before Melanie even throws the first punch. Needless to say, the other kids are very cautious about playing with Melanie now.

None of the kids have an education of any kind except for Mike. I’m serious; the only kid who’s decently educated is being raised by Foxy Grandpa Off His Shits McGee! Julia and Daisy have had some public education but not much, Elias refuses to do anything but home-school Jon yet he sucks shit at math, Tim and Danny don’t even know what a school fucking looks like, Melanie and Jane were too young to go to school when they became avatars, Martin has only recently been allowed near other kids so fuck public school (Peter can do math but Nothing Else), Annabelle fucking forgot to give Sasha any kind of an education outside of Web stuff, and Helen is still a very small child. None of these kids have gone to school for more than a few years at most and dear g-d is that gonna suck for them later down the line.

As a result of this, Basira has taught the other kids a few things when she’s come over and insisted on playing “school” with everyone, but she’s still just a kid and can’t always get them to pay attention during her lessons.

Because of this Rosie, Gerry, Michael, and Gertrude have all started making an effort to more or less home-school all of the kids, which has gone... well enough, I suppose. However, things have recently taken a weird turn since Jon keeps giving everyone the answers to assignments/tests via telepathy.

Jon: Whoa, you can make tea all by yourself, Martin!? Martin: Yeah, I’ve been doing it by myself since I was a toddler. I can also do laundry, mop floors, vacuum, and cook a few things, too! Tim: Wow, that’s really cool, Martin! I wish I could do stuff like that. Gertrude, off to the side: *Gives Peter a horrified look* I’m sorry, but did Martin just say he’s been making tea on his own since he was a toddler? Peter: ╮(╯ _╰ )╭ Unfortunately, I’m severely depressed.

Yeeeeeeeah, Martin’s in a similar childhood situation to his canon one, but at least there are people actually willing to help him out of it in this universe. Also, Peter will clean himself up at some point here, he’s just still dealing with more or less disowning himself from his family and learning hoe to not be so lonely.

Speaking Of Which, the Lukas family are pretty big antagonists in this AU, primarily through Peter’s mother (I’ll come up with a name for her later if I can’t find it on the wiki), who is trying to kidnap Martin and more or less feed him to the Lonely so Peter will get over his “childish feelings” and return to being her favorite child.

And yes, she DOES accidentally kidnap Jon instead at some point... this kid can literally not avoid getting kidnapped.

I like to think Mike and Julia are really good friends in this AU, being the closest in age and all. They hang out a lot since their dads are both so chill and won’t get upset about it, the two of them mostly just playing video games, watching movies, and biking around their respective neighborhoods together.

(Also they may or may not be responsible for a statement that involves a woman seeing a “flying wolf” passing over London... they’ve yet to confess to it, but Elias is dead certain they’re behind the incident.)

The worms incident is 100% Jane’s secret worm collection getting fucking loose... she was keeping them in the walls “for safe keeping” and No One Fucking Knew, not even Elias, until Jon saw a spider, punched the wall, and Revealed them.

Jon and Tim got their scars because Jane lost control of the worms and they burrowed into the kids. Cue a very panicked 999 call from someone in the institute and Child Services almost getting involved, but Elias managed to cover it up.

Afterwards, Jon is incredibly self-conscious about his worm scars, but Martin tells him “now we both have freckles!” and it honestly makes him feel a little better about the whole thing.

Also Adelard makes an effort to track down a child psychologist/counselor with institute ties so he can get Jane some therapy/help controlling her powers. He loves her to the moon and back, and he’s terrified of her getting traumatized by what she accidentally did.

During the incident, a Notthem gets loose from Artifact Storage and attacks Sasha, but seeing as Sasha is of the Web and the Notthem is connected to a Web artifact, it only manages to really hurt her, but thankfully not kill her. She ends up hospitalized for a few weeks, but comes out fine later on. The table mysteriously disappears afterwards, and no one knows if it was Gertrude or Annabelle’s doing, but either way, the kids never have to deal with a Notthem again.

At some point I wanna get into Jon’s paranoia in season 2 for this AU, but I’m considering changing it from being because of the Jane Prentiss issue to be because of Mr. Spider almost killing him. I dunno how exactly it’ll play out, but I think it has a lot of potential!

Okay, before I end this post full of weird rambling ideas for the AU, I wanna make a list of the powers that the kids have at the time of the story “starting”/the ones they develop down the line because Jonny Sims himself said that all avatars have different powers, and I really wanna infodump on my thoughts for the kids!

Current powers of Jonathan Sims-Bouchard: Can simply know things whenever he wants to (so long as the Eye lets him, but the Eye sometimes keeps him from knowing anything he isn’t mature enough to handle), can compel people to tell him things (the other kids are better at resisting it, and so are other people touched by the Eye), can survive on very little food if he’s fed mostly statements/other people’s trauma, can non-consensually feel the pain and emotions of the people around him, has some weak telepathy powers, and he can subconsciously summon tape recorders.

Future powers of Jonathan Sims-Bouchard: Increased healing abilities, can know most anything if he tries, ability to resist other Eye avatars’ compulsions, can survive purely off of statements/other people’s trauma, can choose whether or not to feel the pain and emotions of the people around him, has much stronger telepathy powers than before, can force himself into people’s minds and read their thoughts, and he can summon tape recorders at will (though some still show up without his knowledge sometimes).

Current powers of Martin Blackwood-Lukas: Can disappear into the Fog for several hours at a time (he cannot be seen by anyone but other Lonely avatars while in the fog), can summon clouds of fog that he can momentarily hide things in (including people), can “banish” most anyone into the fog, and has “Sea Captain Eyes” (he knows where the Tundra is at all times, and can lead someone to it without a map or compass).

Future powers of Martin Blackwood-Lukas: Can change his hair color at will (only to red, white, and a mix of the two colors), can see much better in the Fog and can find anyone he’s pushed into it, can more or less teleport using the Fog, and he has what’s more or less a pocket dimension of fog for storage/hiding his friends from danger (think the inside of Gems in Steven Universe).

Current powers of Tim Stoker-Orsinov: Can make small bipedal toys “come to life” for a few minutes at a time (they can’t talk or communicate; only move around and perform small tasks/dances), can tell when a Notthem is masquerading as someone else, is supernaturally talented at gymnastics, and can dance alongside the creatures of the Stranger without being fully corrupted by them.

Future powers of Tim Stoker-Orsinov: Better control over the powers he already has as well as a high tolerance for the Spiral.

Current powers of Danny Stoker-Orsinov: Can order around creatures of the Stranger against their will, can tell when a Notthem is masquerading as someone else, can dance alongside the creatures of the Stranger without being fully corrupted by them, is supernaturally talented at gymnastics, and can change his voice to anything he likes (not always intentionally, though).

Future powers of Danny Stoker-Orsinov: Can more or less “teleport” to other circus locations by walking into theaters, can now change his voice to whatever he likes with his knowledge and consent, can take over as the Stranger’s ringmaster if necessary, can trigger a mesmerizing dance whenever he’d like, and has a high tolerance for the Spiral.

Current powers of Sasha James-Cane: Can communicate with spiders and have them send messages to other Web avatars, can read minds if she tries really hard, can “trap“ other entities in large webs that she can summon (takes a lot of energy), and she has Spider-Man-like abilities (can walk on walls and ceilings, can carry much more than her weight should allow, etc).

Future powers of Sasha James-Cane: Can now read minds without too much effort, can navigate almost any area that’s being controlled/influenced by the Web, can create webs without nearly as much effort as before, can transform her body to have more arms, legs, and eyes, and she now has venomous fangs (which can thankfully be controlled and/or hidden).

Current powers of Alice “Daisy” Tonner: Can turn into a wolf at will/when she’s especially emotional, can smell blood from several miles away, and has supernatural senses/physical abilities.

Future powers of Alice “Daisy” Tonner: Can now track most any monster she’s hunting once she gets at least one good look at them, can communicate with other Hunters via howling, and can navigate the Buried if needed (though this is very triggering for her and will cause her to pass out afterwards).

Current powers of Julia Montauk: Can turn into a wolf at will/when she’s especially emotional, can smell blood from several miles away, has supernatural senses/physical abilities, can track most any monster if she knows their name, can communicate with other Hunters via howling, and she can shift into a bipedal werewolf when she feels like she’s in danger.

Future powers of Julia Montauk: All of her previous powers have drastically improved, plus she has better control of them now.

Current powers of Basira Hussain: She has common fucking sense, something almost none of the other children have.

Future powers of Basira Hussain: She common sense AND she has a werewolf GF now. :) ((No dating for the babies, not until they’re at least teenagers))

Current powers of Melanie King-Grifter: Can listen to Grifter’s Bone without being damaged in any way, the music of Grifter’s Bone makes her powers exemplified for a period of time after she listens to it, the smell of blood triggers her to become violent, she can summon sharp weapons (knives, swords, etc) from thin air, and she can see a red aura around other people who have been marked by the Slaughter.

Future powers of Melanie King-Grifter: She has much better control of her abilities now, she can perform Grifter’s Bone songs for people and keep them from dying/going feral, and she can now also summon other weapons from thin air (guns, baseball bats, etc).

Current powers of Oliver Banks: Can see people’s deaths a week in advance via his dreams, he sees dark tentacles around people who are going to die soon, can see but not talk to ghosts, and he can smell death on anyone who’s undead/controlling other people’s bodies.

Future powers of Oliver Banks: Can raise the dead and control them to do his bidding (takes a lot of energy), can speak cat (not End related; Admiral related), and he can cause people to die within the week if he touches them in his dreams.

Current powers of Georgie Barker: Can see a “death countdown” over people who are going to die within the next thirty days, doesn’t feel any fear whatsoever, can see but not talk to ghosts, and she sees a dark sludge staining the clothes of people who have been marked by the End.

Future powers of Georgie Barker: Can bring people back to life for a minute or so by touching them (think Pushing Daisies type powers), can speak cat (not End related; Admiral is best cat dad), and she can communicate with ghosts much better now.

Current powers of Jane Prentiss-Dekker: Can summon bugs of most kinds from her mouth and under her fingernails, can communicate with bugs, and can fight off most diseases without any trouble.

Future powers of Jane Prentiss-Dekker: Can now completely control bugs via a hive mind effect, can summon bugs from anywhere on her body, has much stronger healing abilities than Jon, and she can see invisible bugs crawling on the skin of those who the Corruption wants her to get rid of (it’s hard for her not to give in to it’s desires).

Current powers of Mike Crew-Fairchild: Can levitate/fly at will, can summon clouds of any kind (rain, thunder, snow, etc) in any conditions, has much higher resistance to the weather/temperature, and he can “banish” people into the Vast at will.

Future powers of Mike Crew-Fairchild: Same as before, but with slightly better control than he had as a teenager.

Current powers for Helen Richardson-Shelley: Can change the world around her to be more like the Spiral (adding more doors, changing the colors of things, causing hallucinations, etc), can change any door into a doorway into the Spiral, and she can amplify her voice (very hard to control as a baby).

Future powers for Helen Richardson-Shelley: Can now summon doors that lead to the Spiral from thin air, has much better control over her powers and abilities than before, can morph her body to be longer and sharper at will, and she can “banish” people into the endless hallways of the Spiral.

((Holy shit, that took awhile))

Anyways, here’s a playlist I made for the AU, feel free to scream at me for my very weird taste in music: Pinky Swear That You Won’t Go Changing

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infinitelytheheartexpands · 3 years

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so since I’ve been talking about The Music Man a lot recently, it is time for the story of The Time It Traumatized Me In Eighth Grade And As A Result Caused A Middle School-Wide Disciplinary Incident [but I do still love this musical because it was not the musical’s fault]

so. the time and place is my school (pre-K through 12th grade) in the first half of 2016, when the middle schoolers were presenting The Music Man, Jr. As an eighth-grade performing arts nerd, I of course signed up (my school was small enough that anyone who signed up automatically was part of the cast) and after auditions, I managed to get Marian Paroo. hooray!!!

other relevant backstory: in the fall of 2014, my now-IRL best friend transferred to my school. we were pals at first but when we realized that we were each other’s biggest intellectual competition, we became frenemies, but shortly before second semester of eighth grade we’d finally gotten over ourselves and become friends.

so, there was this one girl in our class who was super-popular, and she happened to hard ship me and my now IRL-best friend, but neither of us was interested in dating anyone, much less each other. the problem: she’d also gotten most of our class to ship us.

so fast-forward to the Valentine’s Day dance. it’s the last song of the night, and some kid not from our grade asks the two of us to dance with each other. not assuming anything (which was a huge mistake), the two of us decided to dance with each other as friends. unfortunately, the super-popular girl filmed us dancing together and used that as more ammo to ship us.

the main point of that story is that I probably should have seen what was coming next, but I didn’t because I tend to think the best of people.

so fast-forward again, this time to mid-April. by now, dress rehearsals are starting, and that means no slouching on the acting, which meant that my Harold Hill (a seventh-grade boy, and by the way, I should mention that I skipped a grade and my birthday is in late April [if you’re reading this right after I posted it, my birthday is today, actually], so we are the same age) and I had to act every last cringey lovey-dovey bit of “Till There Was You”.

now, this super-popular girl was apparently hellbent on shipping me with every remotely realistic boy, and without my knowledge, she stood in the wings and took several awkward photos of the scene. and then she edited them, drew a lot of hearts, tried to insinuate that we either were dating or should date, and then spread them all over Snapchat.

now here’s the thing: I didn’t find out about this for several days. for one thing, I didn’t have Snapchat (and I still don’t) and for another, even if I had Snapchat, my parents had literally confiscated my smartphone (which they had given me) in the sixth grade and only allowed me to even use it on very special occasions. I wasn’t even allowed to take it to school. and no, I couldn’t use it at home either, particularly because they’d hidden it and I didn’t know where it was and couldn’t very well snoop. but I digress.

anyway, the reason I found out about this was because six days before opening night, there was a birthday party for one of the girls in the class. everyone was invited to lunch at the girl’s parents’ restaurant and then afterwards, the girls got to go to her house for a sleepover. (yes I was allowed to go, although that was almost revoked due to an unrelated incident that happened right before about which I will not go into detail; no I was not allowed to take my phone.)

during the party, my now IRL best friend pulled me aside, whipped out his phone, and said, “Hey, I really think you should see this. (super-popular girl) took these and sent them to the entire grade on Snapchat.” And then he showed me every single one. And I about died of mortification right there.

Three days later, there was another dress rehearsal, and it was all going fine and well. We started “Till There Was You”, and as luck would have it, my path of vision went directly into one of the wings, and I saw not one, not two, but three cellphone lights pointed directly at me.

and I froze. it was either freeze or break down because I didn’t want what had already happened to happen again, so I froze and couldn’t bring myself to do anything for the rest of the rehearsal.

after rehearsal, three seventh-grade girls approached me and asked me what was wrong. I spilled everything to them, and it turns out that they were the three whose lights had been on, but not for malicious purposes: they had been trying to prank the boy playing Harold with the “flashlights a la at a concert during a slow song” thing, but had thought that he and I were on opposite sides from where we actually were and as a result had shone them at the wrong person. they also had no idea about the Snapchat incident from the previous weekend and they genuinely apologized.

then the director asked what had happened and I told her everything. and effective the next day, she banned cellphones from the entire auditorium area for the remainder of the production.

also the next day, she apparently told the Middle and High School Dean because I was called in and questioned for several minutes about everything and then let go. it turned out that the dean eventually questioned the entire eighth grade about the incident.

well, the rest of the production went off without a hitch, but come Monday, the dean and the PRINCIPAL came into eighth grade study hall and spent the ENTIRE PERIOD lecturing everyone about respecting privacy and not taking and spreading photos without consent. and everyone knew exactly what was going on, and I was already embarrassed enough, and to top it off it was my birthday, so I was red as a tomato the entire time.

I’m not sure what punishment, if any, super-popular girl got, but she left after that year...but only because her chances of getting basketball scholarships were better if she went to public school (yeah even then she was over six feet tall). And even through senior year, peers and even family members (who still engage in this even though I’m in college and an Adult) continued to ship me with both my IRL best friend and the boy who played Harold Hill. so things didn’t really get a whole lot better on that front.

anyway, that’s that. glad it’s out there and not just in my mind and in the faded memories of everyone involved. don’t ship IRL people without their consent.

#memories #shipping #The Music Man #middle school #notyouraveragejulie acts #theater #theatre #acting #spreading photos without consent #no irl shipping without consent please #to be clear the photos weren't like. nude or anything.#but they were still embarrassing and Not Asked For Or Wanted

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wearetakingthehobbitstogallifrey · 4 years

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Kdrama recs Part 2

Hello @camsthisky and anyone else who cares! I do apologize for the delay on this post--it has only been 84 years since Part I of my kdrama recs, I know, and I thought about going for a full century but this is me finding a way to de-stress after watching the first episode of I-Land alkdjfadlksj I’m gonna die of heartbreak but whatever

Speaking of heartbreak, there is a lot to be found in Korea’s wonderful historical dramas, so like, be warned—or, if you are an angst-loving monster like me, settle down for hot guys and good cries

Let us begin! (or, if you want romantic modern dramas see Part 1)

1. Scarlet Heart Ryeo/Moonlovers:

aha ahahahahahaha *weeps* You may have heard people talk about this show. You may have heard ME talk about this show. This thing was my first kdrama ever and it RUINED ME

Disclaimer: I have seen this show once and rewatched it twice and on the rewatches I can never quite make myself watch the last 4 or 5 episodes because things get tragic and messy and I get mad. HOWEVER there is a lot of good in the first part of the show and because this thing was all the rage in everywhere but Korea itself, there’s like over 300 fanfic for it and several good fix-its, including one by my good friend @thelonelybrilliance

Ok so anyway this show which could also be called An Abundance of Princes starts with a young woman from modern times getting thrown back into ancient Goryeo during an eclipse and finds herself in the body of Hae Soo, the cousin of the wife of one of the princes, and thus she gets embroiled in royal affairs which are, quite frankly, a mess. See, the evil eyeliner prince (whom I love even when he’s the worst) is plotting with his mom to get the Crown Prince out of the way aka dead BUT who should return to the Palace but the 4th Prince, Wang So, who has spent at least half his life living as hostage to a powerful family.

So has a scar that cuts across his eye and which in this society makes him a horror to look at or smthing idk he just looks extra hot to me but anyway he wears a mask and is known as the wolf dog (or as the MURDER ANGST CUPCAKE thanks @abadpoetwithdreams). He might seem a little rough around the edges at first because his life has been hell but he really just wants to love and be loved okay people need to be nice to him wtf

Other princes include:

1. the Crown Prince, Wang Mu, a good egg, not particularly charismatic but he tried to protect his lil bro when no one else would

2. the 8th prince, Wang Wook, who reminds me of a fellow named Shane and I don’t mean the cowboy

3. the 10th prince, Wang Eun, a dumb adorable spoiled bby (played by Baekhyun from EXO)

4. the 13th prince, Baek Ah, a tol soft boi, an artist, a BAE, a BRO, a SHIPPER ON DECK

5. the 14th prince, Wang Jung this son will fight everyone he’ll fight himself he just loves to fight! Not always wise but he’s a good boy and I like him a lot

6. just realized I skipped the 9th prince but nobody cares

One quick note is that IU plays Hae Soo, and I enjoy her a lot in the first half of the show where she is still spunky and rebellious...sadly her character kind of falls apart/gets too weak for my liking as the episodes progress

The MAIN reason why I feel it my duty to recommend this show to everyone despite the fact I have never met anyone who wasn’t traumatized by it is LEE JOON GI

Yes, this man:

I mentioned him in the previous rec post—he played Bong Sang Pil in Lawless Lawyer (AND IS NOW CURRENTLY STARRING IN FLOWER OF EVIL WHICH WILL BE ON ANOTHER POST AHDFOIASDHGALDSKJF FRIQ I AM IN LOVE WITH THAT MAN)

BUT SERIOUSLY LOOK AT HIS PHOENIX EYES!!! HIS RAZOR SHARP FEATURES! HIS BIG ADORABLE EARS! HIS BEAUTIFUL EXCESSIVE BANGS! 4TH PRINCE WANG SO LOVE OF MY LIFE

SOMEONE PROTECT THIS BBY

2. Hwarang: Ok so right off the bat I am going to smack down a disclaimer that I can’t stand the female lead. TRULY CANNOT. Thus, I don’t like the romance, and only care about the love triangle as far as it just shows how sad and lonely one of the guys is. (Also there are scenes of dumb old men plotting and I don’t like them either). At the end of the show, I am happy that the one guy is NOT stuck with the female lead as his wife. Good for you sir

Sounds like a show to steer clear of then, right? WRONG. This is a show that you skip through because the scenes that are good? Are GREAT

Picture this: It is the Silla era of Korea, and the queen is ruling as regent in place of her son, who has been hiding all his life because everyone wants to kill him. Well, son is now grown and must soon come into the light and take the throne. Queen who both wants her son as king but also really likes being queen decides to do everyone a favor and form an elite fighting squad out of all the prettiest and most talented sons of nobles in the land, with the idea that they will be loyal only to the throne, and thereby keep their dads from plotting to destroy everything.

Let me tell you something, these ARE the prettiest boys in the land. Good hair, good jawlines, beautiful smiles—the cast lineup includes Park Hyung Sik and his cute lil elf ear, Park Seo Joon, Taehyung (yes from BTS!), and Choi Minho from Shinee, plus two other actors who are lesser known but who are drop-dead gorgeous. Anyway. Sorry, but they really are all beautiful.

The fun thing is they don’t all get along right away, a few of them are VERY much opposed to the other for various reasons, but they all have to bond and become brothers in arms. And what they don’t know is that the real king snuck in and is one of them. 10/10 I would die for the boys! (also Tae has an older half-brother who is a lower rank than him but whom he looks up to and that makes for cuteness and pain) Once you skip the boring or annoying parts of the show, the rest has so much delight, laughter, and oops pain, lots of pain. I want to go re-watch.

Two other things I should mention about the show: a super soft side romance between secondary characters and a game of, as they call it in the show, HOT SOCCER

^pretty boy 1 (with the cute elf ear sadly on the other side of his head)

^pretty boy 2 (sad cheekbone bby) and pretty boy 3 (happy cheekbone bby)

^pretty boy 4 (the prettiest of them all, and he knows it!)

^pretty boy 5 (aka Taehyung danced around the set of a historical drama and made everyone adopt him as their bby)

3. Faith/The Great Doctor: This is a longer kdrama at 24 episodes and they didn’t have much of a budget so special effects aren’t the best or anything but I just got really attached to all the characters? This is another modern girl goes back in time but UNLIKE SHR it actually has a happy ending, so if you need a historical drama cleanse after that tearjerker/enrager, this could be it for you

Eun Soo has to navigate the ancient kingdom, keep people believing she is a heavenly doctor with special powers, and keep Choi Young alive so he can fulfill his promise of returning her to her own time. The problem with that is Choi Young does have kind of a death wish because of reasons—

Eun Soo is a plastic surgeon who would really like a rich handsome husband one day but them’s the breaks for you, aka she has had no luck in that department. Back in ancient Korea, Choi Young (played by Lee Minho in sadly the only role I really love him in) is a high-ranking beloved captain who can fall asleep anywhere. Oh he can also make electricity with his hands! :D

The story begins when the sleepy sad captain tries to escort the new king and queen to their palace. This was during the time period when ancient Korea was basically a puppet kingdom/tributary of ancient China (Yuan). The king (who is very smol and lacks confidence, but still has a good heart for his country) lived as a hostage in Yuan for many years, and his wise tol queen is a princess of that land, and someone needs to sit them down and make them talk because they actually love each other a lot. Anyway, when the queen gets injured by assassins, Choi Young goes searching for a legendary doctor, winds up in modern Korea, and steals both Eun Soo and a SWAT shield, because hey, it looked cool I guess

Lots of fun things in the show: Choi Young has a crew of soldiers who are BEYOND loyal to him, and while he doesn’t think much of the king at first because he’s been burned by kings before, they slowly become bros and shippers on deck for each other. Eun Soo does not lose her spunk or loyalty unlike other people I could mention *cough*HaeSoofromScarletHeartRyeo*, and it cracks me up when she curses people out. There are also a bunch of people (mostly bad guys) running around with special powers or gifts, including a flame lady and a flute boy, and the latter wears delightful anime wigs, keeps his sword in his flute, and plays his flute to kill—literally! I love flute boy very much

sorry it’s black and white but DO YOU SEE THE SWAT SHIELD

4. My Country: A New Age:

ANGST ANGST ANGST PAAAAAIN BUT ALSO BEST INTRO BEST FAVES BEST ACTORS

Picture this: two young men, who both hail from childhoods of trauma, who grew up together and are best friends, and who are tragically forced apart and end up on opposite sides of a conflict that threatens to upend the current rule of the kingdom. This IS the star-crossed brotp you’ve been waiting for!

Seo Hwi is the son of a general who died a criminal, and all he wants is to live simply and earn enough rice take care of his younger sister, who has seizures and a sweet crush on Hwi’s bestie. Hwi is the best softest most loyal boy with a good and true heart, a great deal of courage, and a talent for wielding a sword, and just wait till you see the best one-shot fight scene ever of him in battle, it is INCREDIBLE! (He is played by Yang Se Jong, who I now want to see more of) Hwi has an abundance of charisma points in that he picks up a small band of loyal soldier friends and they become the best little found family, lots of brotp-ness in this crew—do not mess with any of them because they will all FIGHT you

Seon Ho meanwhile is the illegitimate despised son of a powerful nobleman, only tolerated because the legitimate son died. Seon Ho loves his friend and is very protective of his friend’s little sister who crushes on him but his dad is a high class grade A power-hungry jerk and that causes complications of course. Seon Ho also has a good heart, he’s a gentle soul really, but he always gets stuck in bad positions and unfortunately makes a couple of difficult/bad choices so he hardens himself as much as he can but the consequences always kill him and he just wants to save his friends and destroy his dad and the stupid hierarchy that treats bastards as lesser. WHY IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK?

Seon Ho he is played by Woo Do Hwan who has so much talent I die so many times over in this show just because of the way he portrays Seon Ho like that sad sad boy is one of my favorite characters evER! Is he problematic? At times maybe but I am HERE for him he just needs LOVE AND AFFECTION AND AN ABUNDANCE OF GOOD FRIENDS BUT INSTEAD (SOMETIMES THRU HIS OWN FAULT BUT HE ADMITS THAT) HE JUST SUFFERS AND SO I SUFFERRRR

*grabs a towel and dries up my tears*

Hwi also falls in love with a woman named Hui Jae (or was it Hee Jae i can’t remember) and they are very cute together, she’s pretty cool but the show’s one failing is arguably that they kind of underuse her in the plot as the story goes on? But I still like her and she still has a good role, and she is both brave and kind and not afraid to step in or tell people off, also keep a weather eye open for patching up scenes!

Oh yeah, eVERYONE in this gets hurt/stabbed/shot/bloody, such a shame they have to take their shirts off to clean and bandage the wounds ;)

Last character I must mention is Bang Won, played by Jang Hyuk in his second interpretation of the historical figure. Bang Won is the fifth? son of the guy who becomes emperor/king, and he has his own plans for the country, so when Hwi catches his eye, he recruits him to his cause. What you need to know about him is that he has issues with his dad, is slightly unhinged, and cannot and should not be parted from the fan that he constantly carries around with him. Gotta say, Jang Hyuk is FANTASTIC (heheheheheheh) in the role, able to convey all kinds of emotion in the rise and fall of his voice, in the tilt of his head, the tears of his eyes, the flick of his fan. Give this actor all the awards!

To sum up: if you like to cry for days after watching a drama, if you like excellent heart-wrenching brotps, if you like conflicted characters, if you like amazing music and setting and plot, if you like guys with good hair and arm muscles (and

abs, thank you shirtless scenes what) this show is a Must Watch

DID I SAY STAR-CROSSED BROTP I MEANT SWORD-CROSSED BROTP ADKJFADLSKJFLKJDFALKDGKLJL </3

Ok I was going to leave the historical drama post at this for now but...I’m going to cheat a little and include the one historical C!drama I just finished.Yes folks I am talking about:

5. Nirvana in Fire:

Ok so maybe the switch from kdrama to cdrama makes you uncertain. Maybe the fact that this show has FIFTY-FOUR EPISODES makes you go hell no I don’t have enough time for that. Well if you overlook this show for those reasons, you are making, and I do not exaggerate, the greatest mistake of your show-watching life!

Look, first, this drama has one of the best, most intricate, most satisfying plots in history, with like 20 characters you would die for, and second, the episodes are only about 42 minutes each, which is shorter than most kdrama episodes, so you can deal.

Once upon a time there was a general/family who were just too good to exist in corrupt old China, so naturally they were framed for treason and there was a giant massacre and everybody died, including the eldest prince who was like um dad maybe this is all a horrible mistake and the king was like no u are the mistake. Sad times.

One of the many younger princes named Jing (A NOBLE HEART, if not always the cleverest) returns home from wherever he was, finds out that not only did his prince brother die, but so did his best friend/brother in the whole wide world, Lin Shu, son of the general. Because he insists on the innocence of said bros/family, Jing becomes an outcast prince and is shuffled off to fight in wars where he can’t cause any trouble. Meanwhile, Princess Nihuang, Lin Shu’s brave, awesome, amazing, wise, incredible girlfriend, refuses to marry anyone else, and because she is too cool to be messed with, nobody tries to banish her

Cut to I think eleven years later, when the two most powerful princes are vying to be the crown prince and heir to the throne. They both try to recruit the aid of a renowned clever and sassy strategist named Mei Changsu, to help them with plotting and PR and such.

Well little do they know that Mei Changsu is actually the not-dead Lin Shu, with a completely new face (for reasons), and that Mei Changsu is a chess master setting up a long con for the dual purpose of obtaining revenge/justice for the dead and of raising Prince Jing to the throne, since Prince Jing is the only man with a good enough heart and strong enough will to make China a better place for all the people. But just to make it hard on everybody, Mei Changsu is dead set on not telling anyone who he really is—again, for reasons. He is not always successful in keeping his secret.

I literally don’t know what else to say because there is so MUCH to say, so many characters to love, and I mean LOVE. How do you get a cast this good? How is everyone so different yet so important? How do you feel bad for the emperor even when he’s slimy? How do you have to stop yourself from rooting for the prince who would destroy some of your faves? I can’t praise the charisma and acting talent in this show enough! And the music! IS GORGEOUS!

1 strategist too sassy for his own good and too clever for everyone else’s good + 1 prince who loves his mom and his dead best friend and his dead older brother more than anything else in the world + 1 gentle wise mom + 1 eternally loyal princess who would defend her loved ones with the sword if necessary + 1 sassy Elrond healer man + 1 grumpy sulky baby who loves being a better fighter than almost everyone + 1 loyal to the death, brave badass general who is going to have a stress breakdown if the strategist doesn’t take better care of himself + not 1 but 2 good boys who deserve to be protected but who are willing to throw themselves into battle if necessary + 1 antagonist tiger prince who I love and am not ashamed to say it = THE BEST OF TIMES

^he hardly ever wears his hair down but when he does <33333333

*checks calendar* how soon is too soon rewatch something, asking for a friend

#kdrama recommendations #scarlet heart ryeo #hwarang #faith: the great doctor #my country: the new age #nirvana in fire #my kdrama recs #historical kdramas #plus one cdrama #i went overboard on gifs sorry not sorry

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couplesinstitutecounseling · 3 years

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When You Love Someone With Complex PTSD

This article gives a brief overview of some basics about Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (CPTSD) and what you can do to support yourself as well as nurture your relationship when you love someone with Complex PTSD. You may be wondering if reading this article will be helpful to you.

If your partner experienced significant trauma during childhood and you find yourself in awe of all that they are in spite of what they have been through, yet uncertain at times about how to provide the right kind of support, then this article is for you.

If you recognize the wisdom within your partner that is derived from their experiences, but struggle to access your own wisdom when you see your partner suffering then this article is for you.

Lastly, if you sometimes see your partner as someone who would benefit from healing work but, are not sure of the right place to start then this article is for you.

This article is about how to bring your best self to your relationship by forging one that is defined by security, consistency, and honesty as well as understanding the importance of your own self-care in cultivating these bonds.

Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (CPTSD) can occur when a person experiences multiple or prolonged traumatic experiences (Complex Trauma) over the course of a lifetime. Oftentimes, the traumas are relational in nature which means that the events occur within relationships during developmental periods such as childhood. For example, periods of childabuse or neglect and/or multiple ruptures or transitions with primary caregivers; such as multiple foster placements in which attachment bonds are ruptured or substance abuse or dependence by a primary caregiver.

There are two areas of human development that are impacted by Complex Trauma. When these areas are impacted it can result in CPTSD. They are:

Attachment: the ways in which a person learns to have relationships with others

Self-Regulation: the way in which a person handles self soothing in the face of stress.

Let’s look at both more closely.

In terms of Attachment, a child who experienced multiple adverse experiences such as abuse, domestic violence, neglect or community violence is likely to, as an adult, experience frequent mistrust, fear of abandonment, and difficulty feeling secure in their intimate relationships. The reason for this is that the template that was formed early on about how to have relationships was developed under the pretense that “those who love me either hurt me, or leave.” These recurring experiences often cause the belief that people are not safe to trust; leading to the lived experience of, “I’m hurt when you stay and I’m hurt when you leave:a double edged sword.”

Self-Regulation is a set of skills that are learned by internalizing the soothing actions of our caregivers when we are hurt, scared, hungry, sad etc. The capacity by which we are able to do this for ourselves as adults is largely made possible by the quality and quantity of that which was given to us. The opportunities to learn from and observe adults practicing self regulation in ways that are healthy and nourishing for children with Complex Trauma often are minimal. Instead, the stress response system, the internal regulation system that is in charge of keeping us safe in the face of stressors, becomes overloaded due to a lack of opportunities to return to a calm state. In CPTSD this results in an elevated baseline and a stress response system that is overly sensitive to stressors. Thus the system responds by vacillating between extreme states of hyperarousal to hypoarousal (dissociation) rather than remaining within an ideal, more balanced “window of tolerance.” People who have not experienced trauma typically remain in this window within their normal day to day lives. This might account for why your partner may appear to have seemingly disproportionate reactions to stimuli that doesn’t impact you as severely: their system’s degree of sensitivity and reactivity is such that a smaller event can cause them great distress and dysregulation.

The hopeful news is that the medicine for CPTSD can be found within the healing power of relationships and within our brains’ incredible ability to create new templates for relationships by a process called neuroplasticity, our brain’s ability to make new neural connections throughout our lifetime. The incredible healing power of relationships as they relate to Complex Trauma has been well documented by neuroscientists such as Dr. Bruce Perry1, who specializes in the impacts of childhood trauma and neglect and its impact on neurodevelopment, and Dr. Daniel Siegel2 who has also well documented the process of neurodevelopment. What this means is that you and your partner have the ability to form a secure attachment in adulthood EVEN IF your partner has not yet experienced that in their life3 -VERY EXCITING!!! But where do you begin? It is important to know the following:

You can not erase existing templates but you can create new ones.

Your efforts should be patterned and repetitive, as these templates live in lower, less “plastic” ie. not as easily changed, parts of the brain that are only accessed and changed through doing things over and over again.

You don’t need to figure this out on your own. Finding a couples therapist educated about Complex Trauma is recommended and can help facilitate the healing process.

Here are some other ideas you’ll want to consider:

Be Consistent, be predictable: Repetition is the key to building a secure attachment. It also facilitates the ability to trust. For example, calling your partner every night before bed to say goodnight, this may seem simple, but it can have a profound effect on shaping a new, loving, and secure template of what a relationship can be in your partner’s brain.

Know your boundaries: This is a big one and related back again to being consistent and predictable. What is and what is not in your control? If your partner is struggling with mood symptoms including anxiety or depression and struggling with self regulation, it is not your job to fix that, but you can encourage your partner to establish a relationship with a therapist or make an appointment with an existing one. It can be powerful to validate your partner’s suffering while simultaneously acknowledging that you do not have the power to make it all better. In all relationships it is important for each partner to own their own struggles and work on them independently from the relationship.

Establish and keep up with your own self care plan: When we fall in love it is so easy to give and give and then one day we wake up and we realize, “Oops! I have given to everyone except me!” You have got to fill your own bucket. Keeping up with a routine that nourishes you and keeps you connected to yourself and those in your support system is crucial. You are modeling for your partner that it is okay to practice self care and encouraging the process called differentiation (an ongoing process of self-defining within the context of the relationship that is a key developmental milestone within relationship and is that which sets the stage for further development and deeper intimacy as your relationship progresses).

Don’t try to explain, instead “connect and redirect”: Emotions are not logical, yet it is our tendency to try to explain our way through them. When your partner is in an emotional state of activation, remember, first connect by reflecting back what you hear them say, including their feelings. Listen and mirror without the intention of problem solving. Once your partner has expressed to you that they are feeling heard, ask them if they want support in problem solving (re-direct). Once you check for their interest, you may find that you have already helped enough!

Do find out what is soothing to your partner: People who have experienced complex trauma are often well aware of what they do and do not like. Ask them their preferences, you may find out that your partner can not tolerate massage but loves a warm bath. If so, draw them a bath and draw it often! Remember: repetition, consistency, predictability.

Practice consent in intimacy and beyond: Trauma is defined as an extreme loss of control to a perceived threat or life threatening situation. Healing for trauma survivors always includes establishing a sense of safety. A way to safety is though experienced control– practicing consent is a powerful vessel for this. This means asking permission before and during intimate encounters as well as throughout your day-to-day interactions, for example, “Is it okay if I move your things while I clean this room?”

Anticipate events that could cause anxiety for your partner: Work together to create a safety plan. For example, if your partner feels anxious in social settings like big events such as a wedding, decide ahead of time where to sit during the ceremony and have a signal that you can give to one another if your partner needs a break. This can be a good opportunity to step outside and get a breather, check in about how you are both doing, and make adjustments to your plan as necessary.

Don’t take it personally: Your partner has been through a lot. It is likely that if your partner has a reaction to something that you do or say that it has less to do with you than you think and more to do with what that thing reminds them of. When this happens take a deep breath and do your own physiological self soothing, then when you feel regulated check back in, try to think of these moments as opportunities to learn more about what your partner’s triggers are so that you can work with them in a thoughtful and meaningful way.

Remember, it all goes back to the incredible healing power of relationships and the bonds that are formed when we are present and available for one another. Even as therapists we can get stuck in the trap of thinking that we should be able to fix it all right then and there and we jump too quickly to problem solving. Yet it is always meaningful to take a step back and remember that the key to building a secure relationship is not in your ability to offer a quick fix. Rather, it lies within your ability to take your time, be consistent, and show your commitment to being there again and again. If past trauma is impacting you or your relationships and you need help, reach out to us, establishing a relationship with a therapist can be the first step in creating a path to healing that can seem overwhelming and uncertain, more clear, manageable, and supportive.

#love #ptsd #relationships

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variantia · 3 years

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HEADCANON // YOON BUM.

Characteristics of borderline personality disorder / emotionally unstable personality disorder that Bum tends to exhibit.

Borderline personality disorder ( BPD ) / emotionally unstable personality disorder ( EUPD ) is a mental illness, often something that’s lifelong, which manifests with symptoms of unstable relationships, intense emotional reactions, a warped sense of self, and other long-term patterns that are often harmful or self-destructive. Bum ( in my interpretation, at least ) is affected by BPD in several different ways.

There are characteristics or symptoms of BPD that are possibly also explainable by the C-PTSD ( complex post-traumatic stress disorder ) that he also suffers from, but brief descriptions of characteristics that are probably a result of BPD, which affect Bum in his daily life, are outlined in the bullet points below. Read on if you think it may help you understand and interact with him more easily, or if you’re simply interested in how his mind works !

SPLITTING : Bum often views the world in black and white terms. People fall into vague categories like good or bad, kind or cruel, just the same to him as people might fall into specific categories like tall or short. Cognitive behavioral therapy is helping him break these thinking patterns, but it’s a process and he still falls into those things sometimes. When confronted with two opposing traits existing in the same person, such as a cruel person being kind occasionally, it’s difficult for him to accept that one person can be both. If that happens, he usually defaults to the first category his mind decided they were. For this reason, he can appear very stubborn and set in his ways and like he doesn’t want to change, when he does, and his mind just has a lot of difficulty reconciling the positive and negative.

INTENSE OR DISPROPORTIONATE EMOTIONAL REACTIONS : Bum seems to feel or express his emotions in a way that seems like an overreaction to most people. He’s depressed instead of sad, manic instead of happy, furious instead of irritated ; his emotions frequently jump to the extreme end rather than starting out mild and building up to the extreme. If someone does something nice for him that is very small, i.e. perhaps letting him go in front of them in a grocery store line, he feels as if it’s a huge gesture that he should be incredibly grateful for, even if it wasn’t that big a deal. Conversely, if something slightly bad happens, i.e. he’s late for an appointment, he feels as if he’s an inconsiderate person who can’t keep track of time, even if he’s on time on every other occasion. The medication he’s on is aimed at ‘ turning down ’ his emotions so he doesn’t react as intensely to things that don’t merit an intense reaction, but just as with his therapy, the medication can only do so much, and intense reactions are definitely something he still experiences, just not as often as if he wasn’t on medication.

FEAR OF ABANDONMENT : Bum is terrified of being rejected and left alone, and will go to extreme lengths to keep it from happening. He, personally, wouldn’t go so far as forcing someone to stay with him, but he will absolutely make promises about being better, being whatever the other person wants him to be, begging them not to leave him alone, to the point of probably accidentally manipulating their emotions. It’s not a conscious decision to make them feel bad for leaving or not wanting to be in his life anymore, but rather he truly feels like he’s not worth anything on his own. Predictably, most people don’t enjoy being put in that position, so it’s a self-fulfilling prophecy in that the more he begs and promises, the more most people will want to leave.

UNSTABLE RELATIONSHIPS : Bum often gets very attached, very quickly, to anyone who shows him kindness. He has trouble maintaining relationships with other people because he wants all of their attention, and is very sensitive to what he perceives as rejection. If the other person says that they’re busy and can’t be with him right now, but they will later, all he seems to process is the first part. He feels as if they don’t care about him or don’t want to make time for him. This can lead to him treating them with anger, such as giving them the cold shoulder or saying things he doesn’t mean to them. Once the fight is over, he will usually apologize ... but he often expects an apology from them, too. It also happens that he seems to move very quickly in a relationship ; saying “ I love you ” within the first few weeks of a romance, calling someone his best friend after maybe a month, etc., which typically scares a lot of people off. Dialectical behavioral therapy is helping with improving his relationships, but these issues will almost certainly still crop up from time to time in any relationship he has.

DISSOCIATION : Bum will sometimes ‘ zone out ’, but in a more extreme way than daydreaming. His mind and his body experience a disconnect, and when this happens, he seems to be staring off into space. It takes effort to make him respond, to the point that it might be worrisome to those around him. This will sometimes happen during extremely negatively emotional moments, where Bum will dissociate completely from himself, his mind’s effort to avoid the physical and emotional pain which comes with strong reactions. He describes it as a sort of “ empty ” feeling, like he’s suddenly ceased to exist for a few moments, like his whole being is filled with static, like he has no idea what’s happening to or around him, before he suddenly snaps back to awareness. He seems numb immediately following an episode of dissociation, but he’s actually often distressed by it and doesn’t like the feeling.

SELF-DESTRUCTIVE OR RECKLESS BEHAVIOR : most of the time, Bum’s self-destruction takes the form of things like self-harm. His typical method is cutting, usually along his arms, sometimes on his legs. It’s not something he engages in daily or even weekly, monthly. It is, however, something that when it happens, he does it several times within a short period. He may make several cuts a few times a day for several days, then not again for months. It depends. Doing this causes his brain to give him a rush of endorphins to combat the pain, and that makes him feel ... good for a moment. Then he feels guilty that he hurt himself, and wants to feel good again, and it becomes a cycle of addiction to his own hormones. Again, it’s not a ‘ regular ’ thing he does, but it does happen. Other things he does are to engage in risk-taking - things like crossing the street without looking to see if a car is coming that might hit him, or going out in the rain for long enough that he’s almost guaranteed to get sick. When he comes out on the other side of those things still alive and relatively okay, boom, rush of adrenaline that makes him feel good. Therapy and medication are helping a lot with these behaviors, but he does still fall into them occasionally, especially when he’s experiencing a lot of stress, needs to feel in control of something, or is attempting to cope with an intense emotion where his healthier coping mechanisms haven’t helped. He’s attempted suicide in the past because of emotional pain, and still sometimes has those ideations in his head, particularly as intrusive thoughts when things are actually going well for him.

POOR SENSE OF IDENTITY AND SELF-IMAGE : Bum doesn’t truly know how to describe himself to others, and doesn’t think he’s really worth much. He thinks of himself as having only two big interests ( frogs and sweets ) and the rest of his personality is simply nothing. Often he feels like he’s only ‘ interesting ’ when he’s with someone else. When asked to pick a few words to describe himself or a few things he enjoys, he will struggle with doing so to the point that he might break down in tears because he feels like he doesn’t know who he is. He’s working hard on discovering himself, but it’s a long, slow process that involves steps such as trying new things, which is very scary to him.

Bum is a man who has a lot of issues, and even though he’s working on trying to put the pieces of his life together and be healthier, many of the BPD symptoms he experiences will often inform his behavior. It’s a struggle, but he really is trying.

Patience, understanding, and encouragement, coupled with the willingness to not enable or reinforce his unhealthy behaviors, will go a long way in helping maintain a good relationship with Bum ! Be kind to him, but also be willing to stand firm if the situation calls for it. Even if it’s hard and upsets him at first, he appreciates those things, because he knows it will help him in the long run.

#bpd tw #self harm tw #suicide tw #suicidal ideation tw #killing stalking tw #that’s just what I think anyway. ( HEADCANON. )#some days it feels like a wrecking ball is swinging through my ribcage. ( BUM. )#(( w h e w I've wanted to get this post out for a few days #I've done as much research as I can on BPD / EUPD and I still feel I don't /fully/ understand it #but I I understand it insofar as it affects Bum's behavior and thought processes #it fascinates me to get inside his head so deeply even if there are parts which make me slightly uncomfortable #honestly I just thought I should warn anyone who might be interacting with him on a regular basis #that he does have BPD and it affects his behavior quite a bit #just so anyone who thinks about interacting with him in a more intimate capacity for any kind of relationship #whether romantic or platonic #is aware that these are things that may manifest within that relationship because BPD affects Bum's behavior #ty for reading this tho I know it's really long but !! I have fun getting inside his head it's very interesting #I've always been interested in how the mind works and doing research for Bum is very rewarding #it makes me feel like I have a better understanding of the mind in general <3 ))

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thelazyhermits · 4 years

Text

A Hero In Their Eyes

Earlier this week, for my birthday, @euan112358 posted an epilogue to the Fortune birthday fic they wrote which included presents from Melissa Shield and Kouta and the Pussycats. This drabble, which is honestly too long to really be called a drabble, has to do with the conversation Iida and Midoriya had about Kouta that was in the fic.

I hope y’all enjoy it! ^-^

A week after your talk with Hawks, you find out from Aizawa that Kouta and the Pussycats will be paying Class 1-A and Class 1-B a visit later that day. He asks you to pass along the message to the students and puts you in charge of keeping everyone in line while the visitors are here.

Shortly after your talk with Aizawa, your Quirk activates, showing you a brief vision of Ragdoll tackling you with a hug. Obviously, the older woman is going to be very happy to see you when she comes to visit today.

Apparently, after she eventually regained consciousness, one of the first things Ragdoll said was that you had been kidnapped that night along with her. While you had no idea that she had also been taken until you saw the news articles, she could tell thanks to her Quirk during the brief period of time you were both in the same building.

Despite her obviously traumatic experience, Ragdoll’s first instinct upon waking up after being rescued was to find out how you were doing. She wanted to make sure that you had been rescued too and that you hadn’t been hurt.

You had been completely moved to tears when Aizawa told you that. Even though she could’ve been resentful over the fact that you were able to use your Quirk to save your students but not her, she wasn’t. Instead, the older woman was just genuinely worried about you and even regretful over the fact that she wasn’t able to save you.

Ragdoll truly is a hero through and through. Even though most people might not recognize her as one now that she has no Quirk, you’ll always consider her to be a hero.

That’s why you want to do something special in preparation for today’s visitors. Even though Aizawa said they won’t be staying for very long, you’d like to make something they can take with them and enjoy later when they get the chance.

So, after giving the students and Eri the big news, you head for the kitchen. While the kids are running around the dorm, working to make everything presentable for guests, you start baking a variety of cookies with the help of Satou and Eri.

Considering how much Pixie Bob and Ragdoll enjoyed the cookies they pilfered at the camp, you figure they’d be happy to receive some cookies as a present. You decide to make more than one kind since they all likely have different tastes, and you want to make cookies that they can all enjoy.

As a result, you end up spending a good amount of time in the kitchen. When the Pussycats eventually arrive for their visit, you’re actually still in the kitchen, making a few last minute touches to the cookies.

While Satou offers to stay with you to help, you tell him to go welcome the guests while you and Eri take care of finishing the cookie decorating since you’re both almost done. Once you’re completely satisfied with your work, you and Eri quickly clean yourselves up before heading for the living room.

Almost immediately after you leave the kitchen, the event from the vision you had earlier today happens.

“Kitten!”

Faster than you can blink, a green haired blur tackles you with enough force to knock you to the floor. Dimly, you’re aware of Mandalay scolding Ragdoll for her behavior while Tiger and Pixie Bob are laughing in the background. Most of the students are either fighting back the urge to laugh or are grinning at your current predicament.

Ragdoll affectionately rubs her cheek against yours as she squeezes you as tightly as possible. “It’s so good to see you, Kitten! Have you been doing well?! You look great!”

The corners of your lips quirk upwards as the older woman finally pulls her face away from yours, giving you the chance to speak. “It’s good to see you too, Ragdoll-san. I’m glad to see you’re doing well. To answer your question, I’ve been doing great. Right now, I’m feline paw-sitively purr-fect!”

And now all the Pussycats are laughing. Mandalay has a hand over her mouth in an attempt to muffle her laughter while Ragdoll is giggling so hard she has rolled off you and onto the floor. Naturally, your puns just make Tiger and Pixie Bob laugh harder.

Eri giggles from her spot near you, thankfully far enough away that she didn’t get knocked down along with you when you got tackled. The majority of your students react like her, with the exception of Todoroki who just huffs in amusement and Bakugou who rolls his eyes, looking as if he wishes this visit would hurry up and end for the sake of his sanity.

As this is happening, Kouta, who reacts like Bakugou, finally decides to take action. While he was originally standing with Midoriya, the dark haired boy moves to approach your current location.

Just as you push yourself into a sitting position, a pair of hands abruptly grabs your cheeks and starts pulling on them, making you wince. When you turn to see who the cheek puller is, you’re surprised to see Kouta glaring at you.

Mandalay’s laughter abruptly cuts off as she gives her nephew a scandalized look. “Kouta! What are you doing?!”

Everyone else also stops laughing when they see what Kouta is doing. While the rest of the Pussycats appear amused by his actions, most of your students are staring at him with wide eyes. Midoriya appears panicked while Bakugou has his eyes narrowed.

At his aunt’s shout, Kouta finally releases your cheeks, releasing a huff as he does so. A pout forms on your lips as you move to rub your sore cheeks. “What was that for, Kouta-kun?”

He scowls, “That’s what you get for being a liar. You’re lucky I decided to go easy on you.”

Confusion dawns your features. A liar? What does he mean by that?

Eri frowns at the other child as she moves to clutch your shirt. “Y/N isn’t a liar.”

Iida starts aggressively chopping his hands this way and that. “Eri-kun is correct! Y/N-sensei is one of the most honest and trustworthy people I know! I ask that you cease this slander at once, Kouta-kun! I will not tolerate such words being spoken about our teacher! I-”

Before he can continue defending you, you raise a hand to silence him and the other students who looked like they wanted to add in their own two cents. After thanking the bespectacled boy for his kind words, you bring your gaze back to Kouta and raise an eyebrow. “So, why exactly am I a liar?”

Kouta crosses his arms. “You told me you weren’t a hero.”

Your eyebrows furrow. “But I’m not.”

His scowl deepens. “Don’t give me that crap. The reason you got kidnapped at the camp was because you saved your students, right? Last time I checked, heroes are people who save others when they’re in danger even at their own expense which is exactly what you did that night. You even came with Eraserhead to save me and Midoriya-nii-chan. Do you seriously expect me to believe you’re not a hero after you did all that?”

All you can do is stare. Of all the things he could say, you definitely weren’t expecting that.

As you try to think of a response, an unexpected voice breaks the silence that had enveloped the room after Kouta finished speaking.

“The brat’s right.”

Immediately, every set of eyes moves to focus on Bakugou who’s calmly approaching you. When he sees your wide eyed expression, the blond rolls his eyes. “Why do you look so surprised? I was one of the people you saved, remember?”

Looking surprisingly serious, Bakugou holds your gaze after he crouches before you. “You can say that you’re not a hero all you want, but I ain’t ever gonna buy that crap. And neither is anyone else who actually knows you. So, you’re better off just giving it a rest, Sensei.”

Tears prick the corners of your eyes at your student’s words. “Bakugou…”

At that moment, a familiar weight wraps around your shoulders, and you turn to see Dark Shadow grinning at you. “Me and Fumikage feel the same way, Y/N! It’s because of you that the villains couldn’t hurt us! You’re our number one hero!”

The urge to cry grows when Tokoyami nods his head after coming to a stop beside Bakugou. “It is true. I cannot think of anyone else more deserving of the title ‘hero’ than you, Sensei. I can only hope to one day become the kind of hero for others that you were for me.”

Iida vigorously nods his head as he chops one of his hands in your direction. “I am in full agreement! I’ve said it once and I will say it again. You will always be seen as a hero in my eyes and in the eyes of the Iida family for what you did to save my brother.”

A proud smile forms on his face. “Now, I have two heroes that I admire and aspire to become more like!”

Just when you think your heart can’t take anymore, Eri gently tugs on your shirt, gaining your attention. When your teary eyes fall on her, she sweetly smiles, “You’re my hero too, Y/N. You were the first person to show me kindness and give me hope. You saved me from the darkness.”

Having reached your limit, you pull the silver haired girl into a hug and start bawling, unable to contain the happiness you’re currently feeling thanks to everyone’s words. Even though it’s true you had heard Iida say similar words before, you never expected for anyone else to consider you a hero. To think, your students and Eri had been feeling that way about you all this time.

“Look what you bastards did! You made her cry!”

“Shut up, you fu-I mean-stupid brat! You’re the one who started this stupid conversation in the first place!”

“Bakugou-kun! Kouta-kun! Cease your fighting at once! We should focus on consoling, Y/N-sensei!”

“Fumi, come join me in hugging Y/N! That’ll cheer her up!”

“I...I think someone else would be better suited for that role, Dark Shadow.”

While Eri returns your hug in hopes of offering comfort, Ragdoll gently pats your head as she smiles, “You’re really loved, huh, Kitten?”

A wobbly smile forms on your lips as you sniffle, “Yeah, I’m really lucky.”

Not wanting to worry everyone further, you quickly start scrubbing your eyes and attempt to rein in your tears. Yaoyorozu kindly offers you a handkerchief to help you with this endeavor.

Once you’ve finally calmed down, you release your hold on Eri after giving her a smile to show you’re alright. You then direct your gaze to Kouta and focus that smile on him. “While it was unintentional, it looks like I did lie to you after all. Sorry, Kouta-kun. I hope we can still be friends.”

Kouta averts his gaze. “Whatever. I’ll let it slide this time. Just don’t do it again.”

That’s when Mandalay approaches your group, wearing a mischievous smile. “Hey, Y/N, check out what Kouta has attached to the belt loop above his left pocket.”

Her nephew gives her an annoyed look as his expression turns embarrassed. “K-Knock it off, Mandalay!”

Curious, you turn to look at where the older woman is pointing. That’s when you notice the cute calico cat keychain hanging from one of the belt loops on the dark haired boy’s shorts.

The corners of your lips curve upwards to form a large grin. “Awww, it’s so cute! I didn’t realize you liked cats as much as the Pussycats, Kouta-kun!”

Mandalay’s smile grows. “He’s not wearing it because he likes cats, Y/N. Kouta saw it in a store and immediately wanted it because it reminded him of a certain someone. Check out the color of the cat’s eyes. Looks familiar, doesn’t it?”

When you look to examine the keychain again, your eyes widen once you realize the cat’s eyes are the same color as yours. Kouta scowls when you lift your surprised gaze to meet his. “Like I keep telling her, it’s not like that. Don’t start getting any weird ideas.”

Considering how flustered he is, it’s obvious the child is lying. He just doesn’t want to admit it.

Warmth bubbles in your chest. To think, you had such an impact on Kouta. You had no idea he felt that way about you.

Grinning, you pull the startled boy into a hug. “You’re so cute, Kouta-kun! Thank you! I’m so happy!”

He immediately starts squirming in an attempt to break free from your hold while several people laugh at his expense. “L-Let me go, dammit!”

While you could mess with him some more, you decide to have mercy on Kouta since you just remembered something important you need to tell him. As you release him, you say, “I should’ve said this sooner, but no swearing around Eri, alright? I know she’s technically older than you, but I’d prefer that those kinds of words don’t get added to her vocabulary just yet.”

Once he’s sure he’s out of hugging distance, Kouta gives you an incredulous look before directing his gaze to Eri, who’s watching him curiously, after you gesture toward her. For some reason, his brows furrow shortly after he does this.

His gaze then starts moving between you, her, and the Pussycats, who all stare at him with amusement when they see his puzzled expression. Before anyone can ask him what’s wrong, Kouta finally asks, “I thought you were younger than Mandalay and the others. How do you have a kid that’s older than me?”

Several students snort at his question while others immediately try to shush them. Meanwhile, all the Pussycats have hands over their mouths like they’re trying to fight the urge to break into another fit of laughter.

An amused huff passes your lips. “She’s not my kid, Kouta-kun. Eri is under UA’s protection, and I was asked to look after her since she’s the closest to me.”

Eri nods her head. “Y/N is my hero and my best friend, not my mom.”

All the ladies coo at her response while Kirishima starts sniffling. A warm smile forms on your lips as you gently ruffle the silver haired girl’s hair. “That’s right! We’re besties!”

After saying that, you return your gaze to Kouta, smiling all the while. “I hope you can become friends with Eri like how you did with me, Kouta-kun. It’d be nice if she could have someone around her age to talk to every now and then.”

Kouta gives the other child a scrutinizing look. After several seconds pass, he asks her, “Who’s your favorite hero?”

Her expression brightens as she beams, “Y/N, Deku-san, and Lemillion-san!”

You clutch your chest at her cute response while a flustered Midoriya happily smiles as several of his classmates either smile at him or give him encouraging nudges and pats. Meanwhile, Kouta dons a small grin. “You got good taste. Guess being friends with you wouldn’t be so bad.”

He then asks her who Lemillion is, so Eri excitedly starts telling him all about the blond. You and Mandalay share a grin at the sight of the children getting along.

Unfortunately, the two can’t chat for long since the Pussycats and Kouta still need to pay Class 1-B a visit. Remembering the presents you prepared, you quickly head for the kitchen, asking for the guests to wait for a few more minutes.

Thankfully, you put all the cookies in some tupperware before you and Eri cleaned up, so they’re all ready to go. After grabbing the tupperware, you rush over to where the Pussycats and Kouta are waiting for you.

Smiling, you hold out the tupperware for them. “After finding out that you guys were coming to visit, I thought I should prepare something special, so with the help of Eri and Satou, I made something you can take along with you since you can’t stay long.”

Mandalay accepts the tupperware and opens it after Ragdoll and Pixie Bob keep pestering her to do so. When she finally relents, the pro heroes’ eyes widen at the sight of all the cat-themed cookies inside.

Rather than just bake regular shaped cookies, you brought out some cookie cutters and made cookies in the shapes of cat faces and paws. You found those cookie cutters a few weeks ago and just couldn’t resist buying them since they were so cute.

For several seconds, the Pussycats just stare, and then, it happens. In a blink, you’re pulled into Ragdoll’s arms and start getting twirled at a rapid pace. “They’re so cute, Kitten! What a paw-some present! You really are the cat’s meow!”

When the twirling eventually comes to a stop, a laughing Tiger strongly pats your back. “Nicely done! That’s the Plus Ultra spirit!”

Meanwhile, Pixie Bob has already started eating a cookie. After taking a bite, her eyes grow large.

She quickly turns to face Mandalay and asks, with complete seriousness, “How mad would Eraser be if we took his TA home with us?”

Mandalay, who’s also happily eating a cookie, appears to be deeply considering her teammate’s question. Meanwhile, Kouta just rolls his eyes as he swipes a cookie for himself.

Immediately, all the students start protesting, declaring that they won’t hand you over so easily, with Eri vigorously nodding in agreement. You can’t help but laugh at everyone’s antics.

Looks like your surprise for the Pussycats was a complete success. Hopefully, this means they and Kouta will be making more visits in the future.

After all, who wouldn’t be happy to have such purr-fect company?

#TABF #TABF post scene #this ended up becoming longer than expected #oops lol #my writing #in kouta's letter it said mr. midoriya #so I figure that means midoriya-san #but that just sounded weird coming from kouta #so I decided that he'd say deku-san like eri #since I figure he found out midoriya's hero name from the pussycats #I like the idea of kouta and eri becoming friends #they can bond over their mutual appreciation of midoriya and fortune haha #in case y'all were wondering #ragdoll was told that fortune had been rescued and that she was alright #this is just her first time seeing fortune since the kidnapping #since she and the pussycats had been taking that break #I enjoyed writing the part #with the kids who had been saved by fortune #or in iida's case #who had someone saved by fortune #of course the other students see her as a hero too #those three just have a more obvious reason for believing that #if fortune hadn't started crying #todoroki and midoriya would've chimed in too #which would've just made her cry more haha

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iriswc1995 · 3 years

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Ash’s Diary Of Distortion 1: ‘Family Christmas’

What follows are excerpts from the diary Ash keeps on Cygnus’ data storage files about the various Distortions and Distortion-like effects that she encounters on her excursions into Ordina. They are brief glimpses into the inner workings of the city and the kinds of horrors that can be found there, and by extension, snapshots of Ash’s usual routine as an explorer/mercenary-for-hire. They do not fit into the continuity of the main story and can be perused in any order. Ash keeps these records for the purposes of learning more about the Distortion’s possible behaviors so that she can be as prepared as possible. Perhaps one day they will help you, as well.

-----

Once a year, at the stroke of midnight on December 25th, there is magic in the air. Even for the dogged and downtrodden citizens of Ordina, there are those who cannot help but feel joy bursting in their hearts during the holiday season. And no holiday with quite the peculiar fervor or saturation of Christmas’ alien greens and bright reds.

The Schmidt family were one such unit. Despite the many compromises of modern life, they were a clan who remained staunchly loyal to the traditions of the old days. Family values. A clean house. A love of the Christian God. They were a large family of three generations and splitting branches in their grand tree. Trees; a forgotten luxury of the upper-class, were almost sacred to the Schmidts; they are the Family, they are the Hearth-Fire, they are what every member of their bloodline gather around once a year on Christmas Day.

“Don’t crowd each other, kids!” Annamarie Schmidt, the mother of the house, called out to the dining room. While certainly a modest home - there existed no other kind for those of their wealth level - nearly their whole family would cheerfully crowd around the dinner tables. Brothers, sisters, aunts and uncles, cousins galore. Seating was arranged in a strict hierarchy based on age and importance, which Annamarie took great pains to ensure would not offend any of her lovely guests. Granny Taylor sat at the head of the table, the oldest among them at age 66. She smiled and spread her arms as everyone clustered into their chairs, rubbing elbows and adjusting plates. From the next room, a radiant light shone into the kitchen from the artificial glass star atop the plastic tree.

“Ah, it’s just so wonderful to see all of you, on this blessed day…! To see how much you’ve all grown up like little sprouts!”

“Meanwhile you’ve aged like a steamed grape!” Said Aunt Helen, the promiscuous one.

A chorus of hollow chuckles preceded the Granny’s measured response. “Grapes turn into fine wine too, don’t you forget.”

“Let’s pray that we all be as wise as you one day, mother,” Annamarie said dutifully.

One of the young ones, Ryan, bounced in his seat. “Can we say grace yet? I wanna eat!” His mother smiled and chuckled with the others, but would of course punish him harshly once they returned home.

“Wait, but where’s Leo?” Mary said. She was the oldest of the children, allowed to sit at the adult’s table for the first time this year. Several other people echoed her words in eerie unison, looking around the room as if he would suddenly appear at the mere mention of his name.

“Oh,” Anna said, pursing her lips. There was a painful pause as she fidgeted with a cloth. “You know how our Leo is. Cooped up in his room, again. No matter what I try, he just can’t seem to get in the Christmas spirit. To think, he’s nearly old enough to sit at the adult’s table himself!”

“Ah, well,” said her sister May, putting a hand on her arm. “Don’t blame yourself, dear! Kids these days just don’t value family like they used to.” May smiled, scathing judgement behind her eyes. A vein bulged in Anna’s forehead. How dare that miserable boy embarrass her like this. Perhaps physical punishment would be the only way to get through to her problem child.

“I wanna eat! I wanna eat!” Came another cry from the kid’s table.

“Hehe, alright then~” Anna said, finally taking her own place at the table. “But prayer comes first, of course!”

Silently, the children filed over to the main table so that they could all hold hands in one large circle. Granny Taylor began a sincere, thoughtful speech to their heavenly father.

The table in the center, save for the plates and silverware that Anna had set down, was completely empty.

“Amen~” said Granny Taylor, dead skin falling from her hair.

Annamarie smiled. “Time to dig in, Family~ I hope you all enjoy it!”

Two of the uncles grabbed Mary’s arms and shoved her onto the table, flat on her back. For a fraction of a second, she looked confused, but then her eyes went limp in their sockets, the same soulless smile of the other Schmidts attaching itself to her face. Knives flashed.

Red began to cake the dining room walls. Limbs were sawed, extremities cut, organs scooped with bare hands. The Schmidts continued conversing among themselves in the hollow manner of most families; with the women talking about the unseasonable weather and the men discussing how business had been. Mary, too, would join in now and then, oblivious to her ongoing destruction, and the adults would laugh at the delicious whimsy of a not-quite-adult but far-from-child beginning to learn the ways of the Elder. They spoke without pause even as they stuffed their faces with her meat in the manner of ravenous wild animals; choking, spitting, and vomiting as their airways required. They continued even as the flesh dwindled and they began forcing their teeth through her bones. There was nothing left of Mary to continue speaking, yet now and then they would chuckle as though they could hear her all the same.

And they could. For the cabinets around the room would open and close, the very walls of the house would groan and shudder in the rhythm of Family. Afterwards, only rarely would the Schmidts refer to the one they consumed each year; always with the presumption they were still alive and well. But the house groaned in response all the same. Was it the people who hungered, or the house itself? No, perhaps not the building but the gathering - was it possible for even a time of year to lose its mind?

Long into the night and even to the next morning, the Schmidts mindlessly feasted, until not even the stains on their clothes remained.

Finally, only silence filled the home save for the sound of quiet weeping. Leo, hiding under the bed as he did every year, knew he would never see cousin Mary again.

------

𝔸𝕤𝕙’𝕤 ‘𝔻𝕚𝕒𝕣𝕪 𝕆𝕗 𝔻𝕚𝕤𝕥𝕠𝕣𝕥𝕚𝕠𝕟’ 𝔼𝕟𝕥𝕣𝕪 𝟛𝟡: ‘Family Christmas’

𝔻𝕒𝕥𝕖 𝕆𝕗 𝔼𝕟𝕥𝕣𝕪: December 26th, 2164

𝔻𝕚𝕤𝕥𝕠𝕣𝕥𝕚𝕠𝕟 𝕋𝕙𝕣𝕖𝕒𝕥 𝕃𝕖𝕧𝕖𝕝: Probably Green, I think? It’s definitely dangerous, but it seems completely localized to the one family. I hope I don’t see any more of it, at least.

This one is a unique case of a Dissonance occurring on a seemingly regular period while remaining in a kind of ‘dormant’ state for most of the year. On top of that, it seems to only affect the Schmidt family, at least from what I’ve found so far. I guess this is proof that tips from Harvesters about ‘blood in the air’ aren’t total bullshit all the time.

Cygnus helped me get in the house, and I could tell there was a Dissonance pretty much immediately. Red ghosts were lined up around the house like they were in a marching order, almost. All of them were facing the wall and smiling weirdly. The family itself seemed to be in a weird zoned-out state too, which as I can tell now is essentially the Dissonance’s ‘honeymoon period’ where it puts everybody in this weird trance and alters their memories. Creepy, but helpful.

Most of what I know comes from Leo. Poor fucking kid. I doubt he’s ever gonna get out of that hospital I dropped him off at. Even then, I only know the vague details about certain things. No idea how many years this has been happening… but it definitely happens every Christmas. The eldest child is killed and eaten by the adults, who seem to have no idea what they’re actually doing, just treating it like a normal Christmas dinner. And yes Cygnus, it’s disgusting, even for me. They treat the kid like they’re alive for a while after that before sort of just forgetting them and moving on to the next one. It also seems like the Dissonance, or the eating itself, somehow extends the lifespan of all the adults, which explains why the matriarch was so damn old. I also have no idea how exactly this started, since it seems like either Leo’s memories were fucked with as well, or he’s just too traumatized to even remember. The only clue is the family’s weird traditionalist mindset about stuff, but I’ll hold myself back from going on a rant about it here.

Anyway, the Schmidts are gone now except for the kid. I burned the house down just in case it had something to do with it. Happy holidays, I fucking guess.

#writersontumblr writing cyberpunk horror gore trauma

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