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#why so satisfying
cyanomys · 10 months
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going through my old journals as part of therapy homework and i'm reading a section written in the emotional wreckage of a full-on breakdown when i get hit with this line:
There is never a satisfying answer to ‘Why didn’t they love me?’
like wow babe. good fucking point
#like you were on the ground biting the carpet and dry sobbing while you wrote that and still. good fucking point#not a shitpost#cptsd#and it's true. there's never a satisfying answer#the truth is i know why i wasn't loved#i analyzed my parent's traumas and abuse to death. i understand why i alienated and was alienated from my siblings#i know why my mom was too overwhelmed to be capable of nurturing#i know why my dad vanished into addiction and avoidance#the details of our cycles of trauma and cptsd and family history i have a phd in all of it#i understood perfectly. i spent years studying and now i knew the answer#and guess what? IT WAS NOT SATISFYING!!!#because they still didn't love me! and i still couldn't change that!#it was still a completely unsatisfying state of affairs!#so like. when the people who are supposed to love you...don't.#when the people who are supposed to take care of you...fail to#you can look for answers and reasons and explanations#but that's not actually going to FIX your situation.#and it's probably not within your ability TO fix the situation. (and definitely not your job)#because you don't need answers--you need a new situation#*inserts Just Walk Out. You Can Leave!!! (Running Skeleton) Meme*#and yes. walking out isn't always possible.#but for you i hope it will be one day soon. and i hope you build the courage to take that leap.#stepping away from the people who failed to love you...it feels like being untethered but also like being lighter than air#new and scary. immensely relieving. the future opens up. empty but empty like a canvas. blindingly bright until your eyes adjust#like climbing out of a pit you called home and for the first time realizing how bright the light of day can truly be#when you aren't just getting glimpses from the bottom of a hole
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shevr · 10 months
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workout mix
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dykecadence · 11 days
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the anime just cannot capture kabru without going into his internal monologues. my man is lying through his teeth constantly. smiling at laios while thinking "wow this place is a freak show i dont respect literally any of you people". hes playing 4d chess at an empty table
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squarecloud73 · 2 months
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*I worship you Tumblr please don’t remove it
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Let's take off the jealousy, erase the rotten beneath, so we can polish this story, so pretty and clean.
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poorly-drawn-mdzs · 1 year
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It's the 2 month anniversary of this blog! Here's all the main MTXT couples to celebrate.
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diurnalvl · 1 month
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seven years ago, they used to be friends. almost.
1 / 2 / ?
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masterofiodine · 3 months
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i absolutely adore that photo of ben and i just had to draw him (/cap) like that
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yurislilygarden · 2 months
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ʚїɞ Self Aware! Hazbin Hotel
ʚїɞ Their reaction after becoming self aware and first thoughts about reader! part 1
ʚїɞ Alastor and Lucifer Morningstar
ʚїɞ Keep in mind English is not my first language, so you may find mistakes!
ʚїɞ Word count: just about 1.7k
ʚїɞ I planned for all hotel characters first but then I realized how much I'm thinking on each paragraph and its details that I decided to just do 2-3 charas per part😭
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Very few characters would notice something wrong on the first watch of the show, but wouldn't realize, nor become self-aware until the 2nd or further watch. 
While everyone's reaction would be different with different amounts of stages before total acceptance of the situation, they all would share the first emotion, simple disbelief. They would first need to even process the fact that they're not real, that they were created solely for the purpose of entertaining… something? Someone? In a completely different Universe. That everything that they thought had happened to them before they died didn't actually happen, they were never alive in the first place. Only after that did the emotions and reactions differ. The very first emotion or actual personal reaction would be:
ALASTOR
Irritation with a hint of madness.
His first thoughts about the situation would be how ironic it is that he seeks entertainment for himself while his own person, no, character, was a source of entertainment for whatever was watching them from time to time. It was quite ironic how he said that his face was made for radio when the truth couldn't be further from that. He was literally created solely to be watched on that funny colored box by… whatever was watching him and the others.
He was irritated at not noticing that something was wrong immediately, now he thinks about how blind he was, how obvious everything was. The city is actually quiet, too quiet when the noise and demons aren't needed, when they're not meant to be heard. Nothing actually happened that one time when he was out for a fix of his coat, it just got magically fixed, he went and came back when someone else decided he was to do so. They didn’t have much actual free will when he thought about it and that's what he was mad about. He thought that his deal was a massive problem to him, oh how wrong he was because the problem was you.
He doesn't know how he or the others didn't notice the small, glowing butterfly flying above their heads from time to time. They couldn't be that blind, could they? The little crystal thing (could he break it?) must have done something to be unnoticed for so long. He wondered how long they were watched for, the little thing above their heads seemed to be speaking sometimes, seemingly knowing what would happen… at least he thought so, the words would cut out so often that he was left with a pure guess at one point.
He didn't want to accept that he wasn't real, that he was just a 2D character with the sole purpose of entertaining someone. He was meant to be the one entertained, not you. But he couldn't actually do anything, could he? For sure not until more of the people he knew were aware. 
That's also something that he noticed. When it came to the hotel staff and guests, he seemed to be the only one who realized the situation at first. It took a few times of some events repeating before he noticed that someone else from the hotel was noticing the little crystal butterfly above their heads as well. 
Alastor seemed to be the first, or one of the very first people who noticed that something was wrong. He wasn't sure if someone realized before him, and if they did then who, but he was somewhat glad that he could finally discuss the topic at least a little once the other hotel patrons found out about the truth. He isn't one to really open up in any way, but this was a matter where he had to communicate with the others.
You. He didn’t know what to think of you at first. He did see you in a more negative light at first, under many emotions hitting him at once which he hated but after he calmed down, he started thinking. At first, he was sure you were some sick person seeking entertainment from the suffering of others, and yeah he was doing pretty much the same, but were you really alike when he wasn’t even real and you were? He was pretty sure that he’s never gonna get used to saying that.
Over time, when he stopped overthinking (he’s gonna deny that he was doing that till the day of his 2nd death), he noticed a few changes. The less negative his posture and thoughts were about you, even if neutral, the more he was able to find out. Alastor was able to pick up more than a few words whenever you talked, he was able to hear you talking clearly enough to recognize a possible gender, and something he wasn’t sure that he wanted to think about, it was way easier to pick up your emotions in your words.
I feel like he would be more lenient towards you if it turned out you were a female (or identified as one), but that would be the mama’s boy inside of him talking. There wouldn’t be too many differences of course, but those who spent enough time around him would be able to tell there's a difference after finding out your gender if it turned out you weren’t a man (again, not too much but it IS noticeable).
He would go from lowkey hating you at first to being mostly neutral with a hint of positive light as you seemed to do nothing but watch, up until later on when everyone is self-aware as well and would talk about the whole thing. Only then would the feelings towards you, the little watcher, as he first called you, turn more positive.
LUCIFER
Massive inner conflict and a complete mix of emotions
He didn’t know what to think. It was hard to comprehend that he didn’t actually live for as long as he thought, that all the things that supposedly happened, in fact never were even close to happening, they were just… a scripted past. 
Was all his suffering for nothing? Was it there just to entertain someone? Did those things who watched them enjoy seeing them sad and hurt? He was simply lost on what to think about the whole situation, it wasn't something that he could prepare himself for in any way beforehand. 
He was disappointed in himself for not noticing immediately or at least faster that something was not right. He's the literal King of hell! Even if… only in a show apparently… but he still is. No one better say anything about that because he's already on the brink of a yet another breakdown. He cannot take much more.
Should he try doing something about this? Or should he stay quiet and go with the script as he's supposed to? He wasn’t sure about the answer himself and had no one to answer his questions. The thought that what he thought were eons of life was actually a lie was… a little terrifying. Who knows just how much can someone force them to do without caring for their opinions because they don’t know that he and the others are aware of everything now, how much can you cause without their consent? He wasn’t sure if you or anyone else knew about them being self-aware or not.
He would actually try to ignore the little butterfly whenever he would see it, but at the same time, many questions were swirling in his mind.
Why were you around? Did you like to see them suffering? Did you have any control over what you saw? Did you have some sort of control over them? Did you have plans regarding them? Did you-
Yeah, again, he has a lot of questions and absolutely zero answers.
His personal feelings about you were all around at first. Not sure whether he should hate, dislike, or be generally negative about you, be more neutral, or be on the more positive side, especially since you didn't seem to do anything but watch them. Like it's all that you could do when it comes to them, but he couldn't be 100% sure.
Similarly to Alastor, he would be one of the characters who noticed something wrong on the first watch of the show before becoming self-aware quite soon after that. I don't think he, nor Alastor, would notice the other knows too fast, since both try to act like nothing's wrong around others. He did not want to be just a 2D character, something to be watched on a screen. It was… humiliating, in his eyes. He could tell that Charlie and the others weren't aware of anything at first so he didn't speak about it until later on when he was sure that they came to their senses, as he would like to say.
He wondered how long were you actually there before he, or anyone else, started to see or notice you, especially since he could literally hear you. Both as the small insect and the occasional words he was able to pick up. And that's if he was to forget the butterfly was literally, softly fucking glowing. Yeah, they're all blind.
I think that if you’re on the younger side, (which technically is any age a human can be alive at compared to him lmao) he would be a little softer, especially if you're similar to his daughter in character. It would come from the paternal side of his, you would probably remind him of Charlie so much :(
He would be more on the negative side at first, as much as he wishes he didn't straight up assume how you were as a person, it took some time but he went into the more neutral zone before being positive about you after being able to hear more of you talking, as he was able to at least have more idea about your character and wasn't completely clueless like at the start.
Your nickname also got changed to something else, something cuter over time, as Alastor’s name for you, little watcher, was deemed not good enough by everyone (Lucifer's words)
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Notes, comments, and reblogs are greatly appreciated
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kiwiwi-art-aaa · 1 month
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decent-ish design i did for chameleon awhile ago. If I could change anything I'd immediately make his little eyebrow horns much longer
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rithmeres · 3 months
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bait / hook / line / sinker
#the hunger games#finnick odair#thg#the hunger games fanart#this was a very very weird painting for me.#like i have painted decapitated heads and severed arms and shattered ribs and guts falling out and gallons of blood#and not once have i ever looked up from my work and been disgusted or disturbed by what i’ve painted#but the first day i was working on this one i looked at it and just felt so sick i had to get up and take a shower to get away from it#HE WAS 14 WTF WTF WTF WTF#that is a baby. that is a little kid. turned into a killer and paraded around like a novelty and used like a toy.#but on the whole i am very satisfied with this propaganda piece it's just as beautiful and unsettling as i wanted it to be#ugh my mind. nothing in the composition is overt but all the implications are there#not just the capitol's sexualization and brutalization of children but the fetishization of the districts' labor as well#as my good friend and mutual theworldiswhispering said.#'the hard labor you do is not safe from being romanticized by the people who benefit from it at your expense'#and i think about that every day#wherefore art thou#thg reread#why he so smooth.. just like a shark#[katniss voice] mfs took all my body hair cant have shit in the capitol#i just know tumblr's gonna crunch the quality of these images but i worked on a canvas 4 times larger than the usual size#so a lot of the detail gets lost when i post it. oh well. click for quality i guess#his expression changes when you're far away#far away he looks kind of vacant#close up he's smiling. like the photographer wanted a specific cocky emotion from him and it was there#but when you zoom out there's just a thousand yard stare#i did think about turning these into prints or actual posters but um. i don't think i should do that
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endlesspaint · 29 days
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"I had to save them"
Rest in peace, Liam. Your sacrifice will never be forgotten. 😔✊
I finally finished this, YAY! This animatic is a mix of digital and traditional art. I definitely learned a lot of tricks while making this (also, can you notice the slight difference between art styles??).
This animatic singlehandedly explains what happened to JD after his mom sacrificed him. He was definitely ready to accept his faith until he discovered Branch's was with him (which almost gave him a panic attack). It was a good thing that everyone decided to help him, and Liam (a troll around his age, maybe older?) helped him escape.
For more context about my au check this post!
I obviously don't own the audio, only the animatic. "Bruno is Orange" by Hop Along featuring Francis Quinlan, so credits to them. Here's the link
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sketchncanto · 1 year
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Another Encanto art dump yeaaaahhhh!! It’s been I while 🥲
Back at it again with the ✨ family fluff ✨
I would say that I missed drawing them but— I didn’t— because I never stopped 😂
I just take forever to finish and post things nowadays
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emblazons · 1 year
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"we're her brothers, and we're family."
@kingofscoops 30th birthday bash day three: skill: transition // colors: warm palette concept: WillEl Parallels
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astralzeraphias · 9 months
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“You would place Cybertron at the center of the universe.”
“Cybertron is the center of my universe. How is it not at the heart of yours?”
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unlimitedhearts · 19 days
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RIP Tumblr you would have loved Psych 😭
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