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elliewill · 1 year

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A FOOL'S GAME | PT II

/ part i /

summary: ellie can't let you go. you meet again, nursing hopes of one day loving each other the way you used to. warnings: language, heartbreak/making up, more angst word count: 2.4k credits: divider, gif (cant find!), proofreaders (edie, saz) ♡ taglist: @kaorussgf @just-consume-it @elliesquerida @dyk3ification a/n: written w/self control by frank ocean (ellie)/ i want you by mitski (r) in mind

"Shit," she huffed as her eyes flew open, her heart hammering out of her chest. Ellie had been grasping at her sheets, helplessly reaching for you. "Y/N?"

But you were never there.

It wasn't a nightmare about Joel this time. Or about Dina. It was about you. You were so close in her dream. Your lips, your skin, your voice. She had to savor it. It almost felt fucking real. But to Ellie’s disappointment, it never was. It was just another sleepless night, after you stormed out all those months ago. And it made her fucking sick to her stomach. What had it been, the fourth time? The fifth night in a row this month? She'd wake up so often in the night, praying somehow you'd be there, that she lost count.

A quiet guilt was eating her alive, the shame festering like roaches in her veins. Her nights were consumed with war, and she knelt to her defeat every time. She was no noble soldier; she surrendered herself to a punishment she felt that she deserved. Ellie chewed on the same, painful mistakes and memories until her jaw ached. And when she was done, she’d chew on them again. Watching Joel take his last breaths, ignoring Dina as she begged her to stay…and letting you, the only person she had left, walk away. She’d lay in bed and stare at the paneled ceiling as her mind carried her away, sometimes wondering if she was even really there.

After the dismal realization that you weren’t laying beside her, she shot up and threw her covers off, a rotten feeling seeping into the pit of her stomach. Was there a way to have kept you from leaving? Was there a way to keep herself from imploding? No. Nothing would’ve made you stay and Ellie knew it. You hadn’t spoken to her in months, there was no hope. Was there really much left unsaid? Ellie pushed herself off of her bed and donned her sweats, boots, and winter coat anyway.

The morning wind tossed around strands of her auburn hair as she stepped out into the biting cold. Little puffs of visible breath left her lips as she made her way to you, the snow crunching underneath her and her mind absolutely blank.

She didn't show face around Jackson anymore unless it was to eat or fulfill her duties. Even then, Maria knew well enough to not pair you both up for anything anymore. Apparently, the screaming from inside Ellie's house wasn't as contained as you both thought it was that night.

"Y'all are explosive and it ain't healthy. Leave that girl alone."

Ellie could already hear Maria's grating voice and southern drawl warning her to stay away from you, warning her to stop sneaking glances of you on stables or leaving for patrol on your horse. But that was the only way she could love you - from a distance. God knows it was half-way impossible to get you alone. You avoided her like the fuckin' plague, ironically enough. And the worst part was that she just couldn't blame you. She knew how badly she fucked up.

At some point, Ellie had gotten Maria to ease up to arrange an early morning patrol for the two of you. But aside from the "all clear"s and "infected on your 3"s, the trip was silent and cordial. You made sure to never make eye contact, lest you crumble under the overwhelming urge to ask her how she was. It seemed like every time Ellie mustered the courage to say something, her breath left her as she watched the moment slip through her fingers. She hated herself for it. So much so, that the dreams had gotten worse.

Not far along the dimly lit path, there was your door. She stepped up on your porch to knock before quickly tucking her pink and frozen hands into her jacket pockets. Only a few moments later, a warm glow flickered on through the windows. The door flew open with a balmy wave of heat that hit Ellie where she stood. There you were. Rubbing the sleep out of your eyes and catching your breath as the bitter winter wind hit you through the door left ajar.

Your freckle-faced girl stood before you, rings around her eyes and her hair, a bedheaded half-updo.

A subtle panic rushed across your expression and you suddenly didn’t know what to do with your hands. Your legs felt like beams of lead, gluing you to that spot on the wooden floor. And you ached to throw your arms around her. To hold her, to curse her out, to confess that your door had always been open. That you’d secretly always made sure her side of the bed was ready to be laid in.

She looked like she hadn't slept in days. If she hadn’t been sleeping well, she probably wasn’t eating well either. You could feel the guilt begin to eat at you. The shame pricked sweat along your neck and under your arms. Maybe you should’ve never left. It was clear now, she always needed you. And you weren’t there.

But you remained frozen, the yellow light glowing around your silhouette, almost angelically. "What are you doing here?" you hoarsely asked, furrowing your eyebrows and hopelessly trying to mask the shock that paralyzed you moments ago. “It’s 3am, Ellie."

For Ellie, there was something surreal about finally hearing your voice again. She’d wake up from dreams, aching for it to have been real. For you to have called her name. Even if it was to curse her out again. She needed to keep this conversation going, even if to hear your voice for a little while.

"Sorry. I know it's late," Ellie muttered, avoiding the shock in your eyes. Something about catching your gaze made her feel transparent, naked. Almost like you could always see right through her. "There was so much I wanted to say when I saw you on patrol. But I never got to."

Something sour jumped in your chest. You felt needed, wanted. Ellie was coming to you to open up, like she used to. Maybe this time she wouldn’t let you down. And could almost feel the world crumbling around you again. Part of you didn't want to see her again and she knew it. You couldn’t look at her without being reminded of what she had said to you. The things she had done in the bed you shared. As much as you fucking loved her.

"What else is there left to say?" you asked wistfully, pained by the hope that rose in your heart despite the harsh memory of her betrayal. You shook your head at her, as you warred against your thoughts. Were you willing to go through with this? All over again?

"There’s so much I need to explain," Ellie swallowed her pride, and finally caught your eyes, sending a shock through her spine. "I just couldn't get you alone, and I needed to-"

"You needed to what, El? There’s nothing left to explain. It’s done," you firmly reminded her. You might have sounded confident, but you had never felt more unsure in your life. Maybe this time could be different? Maybe Ellie had figured some things out while you had been apart?

Ellie's ears burned up in the stinging cold, a pathetic, hopeless feeling filling her chest as you spoke. You spoke with finality, and it crushed her. In the months you had been apart, she had hoped this entire time that you had still been nursing your soft spot for her somehow. And she was right, you were. But you’d never embarrass yourself by foolishly wearing your heart so openly on your sleeve again.

You looked at her intently, waiting for her to say something else. Hoping, even. Maybe things had finally changed.

No dice. She looked back at you, speechless.

Maybe it really was done, like you said. But Ellie had always championed the art of drawing you back in, just to push you away, so you began to wonder why you had ever expected anything more. You walked away before, and you weren’t afraid to do it again. So you picked up your legs, no longer feeling like lead, and turned to walk back into the comforting heat of your home. But before you could fully turn, you felt Ellie’s freezing cold hand find its way to your skin.

"Please just hear me out? Please," she finally asked, catching your hand and gently tugging you back toward her. She had spent the last few months hating herself for letting you walk away. She couldn’t bring herself to watch you leave again.

God, you hadn't felt her touch for months. You might have hated her for what she did, but you couldn't deny how good it felt to have her fingertips graze your skin again.

You toyed with the idea in your mind. You'd hear her out and she'd get her word in. You'd get the closure and sincere apology you need and she'd learn from her mistakes. And then what? You'd be friends? Maybe strangers. But you were shit at convincing yourself that you’d be okay with never truly knowing her again. So you relented. One last time.

"Listen, I care about you. I do. I worry my ass off about you, even after what you did. But we can’t keep doing this. It fuckin’ hurts, Ellie," you uttered, your tough facade faltering. You stepped back from the threshold to allow her in. “So this is it.”

Ellie trailed inside, nervously wringing her cold hands as you closed the door behind her. As much as she had done you wrong, an urge to tell her to make herself comfortable bubbled up. But instead of asking her if she was hungry, you remained in an unfamiliar silence as you walked over to sit on your couch. Had you two already become strangers? No, you knew her too well. You had a feeling that you knew all the things she’d say and how the conversation would go. It was just a matter of getting it over with.

You patiently watched as Ellie unzipped and hung her winter jacket on the same hook she always used to. Second from the right.

“Do you mind if I sit?”

Yes, of course she could. But you shrugged indifferently. You were sure it’d be a matter of time before all of this developed into an argument anyway. She wouldn’t be sitting for long.

She came over to your sofa and took the seat closest to you, leaving only a few inches of space between your criss-crossed legs and the side of her baggy hoodie. It seemed like she was looking everywhere but you again, while her hands fiddled with the fraying seams of your favorite grey sweater of hers.

You quietly waited for her to speak, the silence beginning to make you anxious. She looked like she’d been working up the nerve to say something important, but you lowered your expectations.

“You were my best friend, Y/N,” she said softly, slowly nodding as the inner corner of her eyebrows turned up. “You were my best friend, and I loved you. I still love you.”

And you loved her too. It felt so sweet to know. It was a familiar, warm feeling, too inviting if you weren’t careful. You never did stop loving her. And that had been the worst pain you had carried since walking out that night.

You followed her wistful gaze to the dusty stack of DVDs against the dark wood of the coffee table. Those were movies you promised each other you’d watch together, but never got the chance to. You refused to touch them since. Strange how life works.

“That doesn’t change anything, Ellie,” you gently protested, shifting your eyes from the DVDs to Ellie’s distant gaze. You resisted the strongest urge to take her fidgety fingers and interlock them with yours. To tell her that it was okay. And that if she loved you hard enough maybe you’d be able to forget the past. You nearly gave in, almost hushing the nagging feeling that always asked you why you felt the need to comfort those who have hurt you.

“It doesn’t,” she somberly replied. She shook her head with a half-frown tight on her lips. “But that shit doesn’t just go away. And I want to fix this. I need to.”

She looked toward you, her eyes fixed on yours. Pleading with you.

“Then tell me what to do, El. Tell me. Cause I gave up a long time ago,” you admitted, your expression melancholy, little lines appearing between your eyebrows. “I used to try so fuckin’ hard. I don’t think I have anything left to give anymore.”

“Look, I want you to be happy, Y/N,” Ellie responded, running a hand along her thigh as her knee began to bounce anxiously. “And I’ve been trying so hard to be the person that wishes you well even if it's not with me. But the truth is that I’m not. I don’t think I’ll ever be. I will never be okay seeing you happy with someone else. And maybe considering what I did, that makes me selfish. I dunno anymore, I just…”

Her eyes ran over your features before she turned away. This time, while absentmindedly peering at the foggy window, her hand came up to rub the back of her neck sheepishly.

Sure, she was selfish. But you were too. For what other reason did you let her back in? Why were you stoking her hopes of this ever getting better? To feel wanted by her again? Loved? You choked on the words stuck in your throat and could only let a defeated sigh escape from your lips.

“I have dreams about it. About you. And I can’t fucking sleep,” Ellie whispered dejectedly, her brows low and pinched together. She glanced down at her wringing hands before meeting your eyes again. “Just… please don’t fucking give up on me.”

“What if I say yes? And we try again? And you haven’t changed? Am I supposed to wait for it all to fall apart again?” You asked earnestly.

“I wouldn’t let that happen again.”

“I get it. Sometimes, I hold out hope too. That we’d be endgame. That someday I’d forget how it felt to convince myself that it was supposed to be you,” you lamented.“God, you have no idea how bad I wanted it to be you."

#yall i tried #agonized over this #pt3 is hate sex if yall want it #im SORRY #happy endings r hard with infidelity #ANYWAYS #ellie williams angst #ellie williams x reader #ellie williams x female reader #ellie williams x y/n #ellie x fem reader #ellie williams x you #i hope it lives up to expectationssss #running away now byeeee #writings

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