it is all chaos and entropy. the thing is that the chaos and entropy make it beautiful and lovely.
yes, it's true that nature and the universe are uncaring and unspecific, and that is terrifying. i have lived through some of the unfairness - i got born like this, with my body caving into itself, with this ironic love of dance when i sometimes can't stand up for longer than 15 minutes. i am a poet with hands that are slowly shutting down - i can't hold a pen some days. recently i found a dead bird on our front porch. she had no visible injuries. she had just died, the way things die sometimes.
it is also true that nature and the universe are uncaring and unspecific, and that is wonderful. the sheer happenstance that makes rain turn into a rainbow. the impossible coincidence of finding your best friend. i have made so many mistakes and i have let myself down and i have harmed other people by accident. nature moves anyway. on the worst day of my life she delivers me an orange juice sunset, as if she is saying try again tomorrow.
how vast and unknowing the universe! how small we are! isn't that lovely. the universe has given us flowers and harp strings and the shape of clouds. how massive our lives are in comparison to a grasshopper. the world so bright, still undiscovered. even after 30 years of being on this earth, i learned about a new type of animal today: the dhole.
chance echoing in my life like a harmony between two people talking. do you think you and i, living in different worlds but connected through the internet - do you think we've ever seen the same butterfly? they migrate thousands of miles. it's possible, right?
how beautiful the ways we fill the vastness of space. i love that when large amounts of people are applauding in a room, they all start clapping at the same time. i love that the ocean reminds us of our mother's heartbeat. i love that out of all the colors, chlorophyll chose green. i love the coincidences. i love the places where science says i don't know, but it just happens.
"the universe doesn't care about you!" oh, i know. that's okay. i care about the universe. i will put my big stupid heart out into it and watch the universe feast on it. it is not painful. it is strange - the more love you pour into the unfeeling world, the more it feels the world loves you in return. i know it's confirmation bias. i think i'm okay if my proof of kindness is just my own body and my own spirit.
i buried the bird from our porch deep in the woods. that same day, an old friend reaches out to me and says i miss you. wherever you go, no matter how bad it gets - you try to do good.
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Every so often I remember that I met one specific fellow MCYTer at a convention. And after already having been complimenting their (non-MCYT) cosplay, and after having already been chatting about MCYT for a few minutes, and after already having gone off on MULTIPLE nerdy tangents about the 3rd Life series, I then learned that I was currently speaking with the person who made the "Bang!" animatic.
And then I proceeded to gush about their animatic to their face, and they were surprised that I was speaking so highly of it (and it reminded me of another friend who is always equally surprised when I tell her just how impactful her art really is on the community). And then as they were leaving another friend of mine (cosplaying Bdubs) walked up to me, and I told HIM who I'd just met, and we both started (affectionately) freaking out. And then the beloved artist we were fangirling over must have heard our excited babbling from a distance, because they turned back to give us a brilliant smile before they went on their way.
Sometimes I think of them. And sometimes I hope they realize just how much joy they bring to the MCYT community. And sometimes it reminds me that I'm just like them, that I'm creating something fun because I'm passionate about it, just like they are, just like my friends are, just like every creator in this fandom is. And sometimes it reminds me that there's somebody out there who gets just as excited over what I write as I got over meeting a fellow fandom member who created something amazing in a different medium. Sometimes it reminds me that it's the little things that are often capable of bringing the most joy.
Sometimes it's nice to remember that we're all excited about each other, even if we're often too nervous to say it aloud. Sometimes it's nice to remember that we all appreciate each other, whether we say it or not. And sometimes it's nice to feel like I'm making a difference...and sometimes I think I have to remind people like me, that you're making a difference too.
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is there a ghosty max jagerman that thy is able to gifteth upon the world? (i love him so much im scared. my family has started talking about my obsession. im making a cosplay of him.)
he looks like he'd bully me
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