thegrungyprincess

[thegrungyprincess]

I lean my head back to face the sky and close my eyes.

Drops of water run down my cheeks and I can no longer tell if they're from the clouds or my own eyes.

The sky joins me as I cry.

#writing #my writing #feeling alone #always sad #the end of the world #as we know it #crying #rainyday #rainy day thoughts #bad poem

[thegrungyprincess]

Stay single until someone actually complements your life in a way that makes it better not to be single. If not, it’s not worth it.

Unknown

#experiencing this for the first time #Honestly a beautiful thing #to have another person care for me so deeply

[thegrungyprincess]

stories are the last string that has kept me attached to this thing called life. it is the only materialistic, worldly pleasure that keeps me going. although it's all something imaginative, it's still real. real. much more real than watching my darkness swoop down on me and engulf me as a whole, and failing, because I read and I have felt the love. the love of the books. it's very real.

(part 1 of excerpts from a book i'll never write)

[thegrungyprincess]

Unlovable

She was that edgy girl.

That girl who was a little rough around the edges. Sometimes said the wrong things and laughed at inappropriate moments. She had an ice-cold heart, but its core was gold.

She said she hated romance. Thought being lovey was cringe, and PDA was gross.

To everyone looking from the outside, she was strong and independent. She didn't want a relationship and didn't need it either. She could take care of herself, and anyone who knew her knew it was true.

But they didn't know, and they would never know, that it was all a facade.

She hated the idea of love because she's never experienced it. Her life has been a series of rejections and cheesy letdown lines.

With every "I'm sorry" or "you're a great girl, but..." her heart gets a little colder. Her hope dies a little more.

Why does no one love her?

She spends her days hiding behind jokes and sarcasm and her nights holding back sobs as tears soak the pillow she clings to like a lifeline. Wishing more than ever that it was instead another person.

No matter how cold her heart is, she would give it entirely to those she cares about. She loves openly and unconditionally. But it is never reciprocated in the way she wants.

What is it about her that makes her hard to love?

She tries so hard, but it never seems to be enough. She always seems to be lacking something. And as if the rejection was not enough, she watches the ones who froze her heart move on and find happiness with someone else. She wishes she could just be happy for them, but she's dying on the inside.

Their happiness reminds her of what she could never be for them and what she will never have for herself.

Maybe this is why she's unlovable. She can't be okay with someone else's happiness if it doesn't involve her.

She's selfish and despicable. But above that, she's just sad.

It's a pity really, the misfortune of this unlovable girl.

#word post #word vomit #writing #my wriitng #unrequited love #unlovable #late night thoughts #i'm starting to understand the roots of my depression #sad post #depression #alone #the end of the world #as we know it #feeling alone #being alone

[thegrungyprincess]

Rambling and a Little Life Update

Good Evening All! If you’re reading this, I hope that you’ve had a wonderful day -or if it’s morning, that your day will be wonderful! :)

I haven’t been active in a little bit (mostly due to my last job literally sucking the life out of me every day I went in), but now that I am no longer working there I’d like to get back into some of my old hobbies. One of which -luckily for the maybe two people who read this, is running this blog! 

I have, with my whole heart and soul, missed writing. It has always been a means of escape for me. I don’t know how I let myself stray from it for so long, especially with the current start the world has been in. 

I have though seen how I have been trying to replace it... Truthfully, I’m only realizing this now as I writ this post, but since I have not been able to escape into a fantasy world, I’ve been trying to escape right in the real one. 

In case you’re not sure what I mean by that; a few months ago I started looking at houses online. It started by me simply being curious about a neighbourhood not too far from my home, with beautiful houses I’ve always wanted to look at. Since it wasn’t looking like I was going to make it there in person, I decided to see if any of the houses were listed for sale. And from that point on, looking at houses became a nightly ritual. It’s not a bad habit to pick up, I will say that. I have a good idea of what type of house I want to buy, what my must haves are, and most importantly; the price range I’m looking at. The other thing I’ve been looking at is areas I would like to buy in. This is why I say I’m trying to escape in the real world. 

I am by no means a city girl so, the areas I’ve been looking at are rural or woodsy. Out of the city and almost out of the suburbs (I may want to escape, but I don’t want to be driving half an hour plus just to buy groceries). I can’t be the only person who would rather live a peaceful and quiet life. Humanity has gotten even more shitty and a lot of the time I just don’t want to be a part of it anymore. Though I’ll settle with living life at a distance, doing things that make me happy. Unfortunately, even that is difficult to do with the cost of living going up and wage rates staying the same. 

So, in the meantime I figured out the other way I could escape for a little while; take a vacation. If I wasn’t looking at house listings, you’d probably catching searching flight and resort prices. one of the locations I was seriously considering was Bali. It’s absolutely beautiful there, a lot of the nature is preserved, and a jungle getaway felt like just want I needed. 

In the end, along with returning to my efforts of escaping into fantasy, I have also decided to getaway for a bit, just not a full escape. My family comes from Guyana -a country located on the northern-east coast of South America, and I’ve decided to go and visit. The though of I still seems strange to me. I started steadily working over 3 years ago and for all of that time there hasn’t been a moment where I wasn’t working or in quarantine. So, to take some time off between jobs and getaway seems crazy to me. And I think that’s the biggest reason why I need it. These past couple years have been rough, on the whole world. And now that in most places, things are starting to go back to normal, we feel like our lives need to as well. Back to work because we need to get back to work. The truth is though, that some of us may need time to adjust still, recover, process. 

Quarantine was NOT a vacation. I was time off from, just about everything. Not being able to leave the house at all does something to humans mentally, we’re social creatures after all. So we shouldn’t feel bad if this is still affecting us, it’s not over. and even if it was, it would be perfectly fine to need to take a break. So for the rest of this month, I’m going to focus on doing the things I love and getting ready for my trip. 

And then next month... It’s all sunshine, mangoes and a hammock! <3 (I will do my best to provide updates!)

#writing #My writing #word post #long post #life update #just me rambling #don't mind me #hello #how yall doin #The End of the World #as we know it #living in a pandemic

[thegrungyprincess]

Your life is a canvas. Start over if you need to. You are the artist.

[thegrungyprincess]

It's an interesting predicament I've gotten myself into. I'm finding it hard to believe you don't know. But if you did know, if you do know, that would mean you're consciously choosing to ignore it. If that's the case, I hope you don't know... I'm lying I still wish you did.

It would be nice if not only did you know, you felt the same way too. I might be dreaming too big though. But any dream with you in it is a dream worth dreaming.

Every time you talk about someone else I feel another thorn in my lung, making it difficult to breathe. Everyone is scared of this new virus, but what about the one that's been around since the very beginning? The one that will infect everyone. Most are lucky enough to get the treatable version; the unlucky get the disease. Incurable and suffocating.

This can't be my story because the main character never watches from the sidelines, right? If this were my story, there would be no "mixed" in the signals you send me. I would tell you exactly how I felt, and maybe even make the first move. But instead I find myself in this predicament. Rooting for you from the sidelines and watching you try to be happy with someone else.

I don't know if I have the disease. Nor if I actually got infected. All I know is that; when you're happy, I'm happy. When you're hurt, I want to make it better. And when you're telling me about the next potential interest... I hold it all down and support you.

This is not my story.

#i wrote this at 2am #writing #my writing #word post #midnight thoughts #unrequited love #hanahaki disease #the end of the world #as we know it #living in a pandemic #trying to move forward

[thegrungyprincess]

Untitled post #001

Today, I had the opportunity to let out all the pain and anger I've held on to for so long. And when the moment came, and I was face to face with the source of too much of my pain, he broke me down once again and made me feel like I was the one in the wrong.

So many times have I ran scenarios through my head. Some of us sitting down and having a calm conversation or some shouting at the top of our lungs resulting in me walking away and never looking back. But no matter how many scenarios I play out, reality always seems to find a way to catch me off guard. He always says things I never expected him to say, reacts in ways I never expected him to react. And in the end, I'm the one who took it too far, stepped out of line, messed up. Never him, no. Just me.

The worst part is, I don't even want to fight. I just want him to understand the pain he puts not only me through. I watched and listened to him say and do as he pleased without consequence for so many years; more hurtful words and actions than I can remember. Twisting situations in his favour and exaggerating truths to make himself look better.

What bothers me the most is that this pain has built up over the years and now comes out in bursts at the littlest things. Making it seem to him and everyone else that the punishment does not fit the crime. It's overkill. But how can I share my truth when I've been broken down so many times that the strong words in my brain come out as weak arguments from my mouth. How can I share my truth if, when the time comes to have that deep, serious talk, he manipulates my thoughts and words so suddenly I can't provide proof of my allegations. How can things ever get better if he doesn't want them to get better?

This post is my proof that there's something wrong, and there has been for a long time. I've blamed myself for a long time and even today take responsibility for my part in it, but I wish he would too. Stop deflecting blame and guilt and just acknowledge the fact that our lives are miserable. Then, maybe, we can actually do something about it.

#clearly #I got a lot of feelings #don't mind me #just venting #vent post #angsty #personal #word post #writing #my writing #kinda long post #but not really #untitled #untitled post #001 #feelings suck #projecting #toxic household #toxic family #broken family #hurt #right now everyone is sad #the end of the world #as we know it

[thegrungyprincess]

Together in the End

Based on the song ‘If The World Was Ending’ by JP Saxe and Julia Michaels I recommend listening to this song before or while reading to get better context of the emotions this narrative portrays.

AN: I started this a year ago! I’ve been in a funk and I feel like I’m finally coming out it. This has still kinda been my mood lately. It’s such a beautiful and emotional song, and I felt it would pair will with a narrative. It’s also a bit more relatable now given our ongoing situation. Enjoy!

I was distracted and in traffic I didn’t feel it when the earthquake happened 

He sits in his car, impatiently drumming his fingers on the steering wheel as he waits for the traffic light to change. The sun is shining, and the sky is a clear, rich blue. Despite the world smiling down on him, he can feel his aggravation building. In reality, he has only been waiting a couple of minutes, but to him, it feels like an eternity. 

He thinks back to the last time he spoke to her. It was three months ago, and they had gotten into a huge argument. He doesn’t remember what about anymore, but he remembers her being the last thing he saw before he walked out and slammed the door. She was on the floor, arms wrapped so tightly around herself as she cried. He felt terrible for leaving, but it was what she wanted. They had been on-again, off-again for the past year. Getting into fights over the littlest of things, he felt like she did it on purpose. It was as if she wanted him to leave her. 

I know you know we know you weren’t down for forever, and it’s fine I know you know we know we weren’t meant for each other, and it’s fine

It broke his heart to do it, but he has survived every day since, knowing she at least was better off and happier for it. He, on the other hand, has been left hollow and empty since that day. 

But if the world was ending you’d come over, right?

The sound of cars honking brings him back to the present. He looks out the window and sees the cars in front of him in disarray. Some have fallen on their side, while others have been shaken up by the ground beneath them. The earthquake was intense enough to leave the road with cracks and rubble. People are now getting out of their cars and fleeing to safety. “Is anywhere safe?” He wonders as he watches chaos ensuing around him.

The sky’d be falling and I’d hold you tight And there wouldn’t be a reason why We would even have to say goodbye

A low rumble below his car is all the warning he gets before the mainshock happens, twice as strong as the preshock he just felt. He grips the armrests on his seat and braces for impact. Right before it happens, his phone buzzes on the passenger seat. He looks over at the message that appears on the screen; it’s her. And she’s asking for him.

If the world was ending you’d come over, right? Right? If the world was ending you’d come over, right? Right?

***

I tried to imagine your reaction It didn’t scare me when the earthquake happened

She’s sitting at her bedroom window watching the cars drive by when she feels the house start to shake. It’s a strange feeling, like standing next to the speakers at a party and feeling the bass vibrate through one’s whole body. She moves from the window, contemplating whether she has enough time to make it downstairs and out of the house. She instead decides to take cover under her desk. 

Ah, it’s been a year now Think I’ve figured out how How to think about you without it rippin’ my heart out

With her phone clutched tight against her chest, she watches the picture frames on her walls tumble to the floor and shatter. The house continues to shake and rattle around her as she sits there, not afraid for herself but wondering if he’s okay. 

As suddenly as it started, it stops. She waits a few more minutes to ensure it’s really over and carefully crawls out from under the desk. The scene that she’s met with is terrible. Broken frames and ceramics cover her floor, her mattress fell through the frame leaving the whole bed lopsided, and many other things have been knocked over and out of place. 

It’s not until she looks up and sees a giant crack running across the ceiling starting from the base of her light fixture that she panics. 

I know, you know, we know you weren’t down for forever, and it’s fine I know, you know, we know we weren’t meant for each other, and it’s fine

She quickly but carefully makes her way out of her room and heads to the staircase. She’s halfway down when she feels the rumbling beneath her feet. “Is this the end?” she asks herself. Without thinking, she unlocks her phone and opens her contacts. She never bothered to change his name, so there is still a heart next to it. She opens the chat and sends him one message; “I need you.”

But if the world was ending you’d come over, right?

The mainshocks hit full force. She reaches for the banister a second too late and tumbles down the stairs hitting her head when she reaches the bottom. The house shakes violently; she’s almost sure the whole thing is about to come down around her. She lays on the ground, unable to move. Black dots dance in her vision, and there’s a ringing in her ears. She closes her eyes and prays to whatever higher power exists, that he’s okay. And then the darkness takes over. 

***

Intense ringing is all he hears as he battles his door, trying to break free. The vibrations of the earth jostled his car enough to flip it on its side. Once he blinked away the worst of the dizziness, he unbuckled himself from the driver’s seat and climbed up to the passenger seat to attempt to break out through that door. He props himself up on the back of the seat and pushes up against the door with as much force as he can muster. The lock finally gives, and he throws the door open, climbing out onto the side of the car, which has now become the top.  

Frantically, he looks around him, assessing the damage. He sees most people have broken out of their vehicles as he had and are helping the few who are still stuck.  He takes one more look around to ensure there is no one else who needs tending too, running off in the direction of her house once he’s sure. 

Would you love me for the hell of it? All our fears would be irrelevant.

He’s grateful that her house isn’t very far from where he was. Only ten minutes if he keeps up his running pace. He’s also worried because he felt how destructive the earthquake was. And she texted him.

That text almost made his heart stop. He wasn’t going to let her down. Especially not when this may be his last chance to make it right.

If the world was ending you’d come over, r-ight? You’d come over right? You’d come over, you’d come over, you’d come over, right?

Her house enters his view, and he sprints to the front door. The hinges have become loose, allowing him to kick in the door with ease. What he sees inside nearly brings him to his knees. 

I know you know we know you weren’t down for forever and it’s fine I know you know we know we weren’t meant for each other and it’s fine

He rushes over to where she lays at the bottom of the stairs, collapsing on the ground next to her. “Please, please, please. No, no, no.” As carefully as he can, he rolls her over, letting her head rest on his lap. The trail of blood on her forehead brings him to tears. He gently saps it with his sleeve. 

“I’m so sorry,” he says, voice no louder than a whisper. 

He thinks back to the first time they met. She had just started working at the coffee shop he frequented, and that morning he was running late. Looking back, he indeed was too harsh with her. He had been going there often enough to know that she was new, and it wasn’t her fault he slept through his alarm that morning.

He remembers feeling so bad that he returned to the coffee shop that afternoon with a box of pastries from his favourite bakery as an apology gift. It turned out it was also her favourite bakery, and they sat in the shop an hour after closing, lost in conversation. It wasn’t long after their first encounter that he built up the courage to ask her on a date. They truly were so happy in the beginning.

No there wouldn’t be a reason why, we would even have to say goodbye If the world was ending...

A low groan brings him back to the present. He looks down to see her eyes scrunched tightly, probably from the pain in her head. His grip on her tightens slightly; “Shh. I’m right here,” he says—his free hand combing through her hair. 

She opens her eyes slowly, blinking a few times before focusing on him. The emotions he sees in them are immense; relief, sorrow, hurt, love. 

“I’m so sorry,” he says again.

Reaching up, she gently brushes away a tear from his cheek. “I know,” she replies.

He places a kiss on her forehead, pulling her body closer to his. They stay like that on the ground, listening to the sound of sirens in the distance.

If the world was ending you’d come over, right?

#if the world was ending #jp saxe #julia michaels #short narrative #writing #my writing #based on a song #the end of the world #as we know it #romance #light angst #earth quake #reuniting #reunited #love #word post #long post #amature writer #thank you for reading

[thegrungyprincess]

I hope that one day someone will make flowers grow in even the saddest parts of you.

vacants (via perfectquote)

[thegrungyprincess]

Oh hello. Here again, are we?

Meanwhile, we’ve been unmasked as *checks notes* chaos-cloaked, feral, AI-controlled cryptoid clowns. That was everything, was it? Excellent, we’ll accept this as lore. *Turns around to the back of the olde shoppe* Watkins! Put that in The Book™!

Speaking of lore—ᴛʀᴜᴛʜꜱ, as it were—have you ever thought about how incorrect quotes might be tiny skewed mirror-worlds? Intrepidly chronicled adjacent alternative realities? Or, fine, whatever, it’s all ‘just’ fandom. Where’s your sense of joy?

Whichever rings true for you, here are some of the wild things you’ve imagined beloved fictional characters saying to each other.

[thegrungyprincess]

Dear Lord,

Please take the pieces 

Of my broken heart 

And mend the holes of others’ 

Hearts with them

Amen

#sad post #broken heart #broken #the end of the world #as we know it #i wish it was the end #word post #writing #my writing #bad poem

[thegrungyprincess]

Coma

Okay. None of this is going to make sense and maybe that’s because it’s not supposed to. Maybe that’s because nothing makes sense. I’m here and you’re there. You’re in pain and I can’t help you. Are you in pain? I hope not. I’m here praying to whatever higher power is up there that you come back to us. Do you know how many people are waiting for you? How many people are calling your name begging you to open your eyes, move a finger, something, anything. Do you even know? The amount of people who lay awake at night mind riddled with thoughts of “what was the last thing I said to him?” “when was the last time we spoke?” How many people are saying to themselves, “you know I was thinking about him the other day, I should have called”. Don’t leave us all with regrets. Don’t let us feel we failed you, give us one more chance to reach out. One more chance to hear you voice, laugh at you jokes, really value your presence. I know it’s selfish but we never thought our time would be cut short. No one ever thinks tomorrow might be their last day. Until it is. And every time it happens we say to ourselves that we’re going to treat everyday like it’s our last. Be kinder to others, not let opportunities pass us by. Until it happens again, and nothing has changed. But if you come back something will change. So much has changed already. I never thought I’d have to see you like that. I never thought you’d ever end up here. Fighting. Or at least I hope you are. They’re not saying it in so many words, but they’re telling us to give up. Some of us are starting to, I’m not ready. I still think I’ll wake up tomorrow and hear your voice. See your name show up on the caller ID, ready to talk about anything. You use to tell me you were trying to visit, you’d tell me I’ll see you soon. I still haven’t seen you. You owe me a visit. You really want to leave it like that? I don’t think so. Stop letting me see you when you can’t see me. I don’t like just looking. It makes me feel helpless. I wonder how many others went through this recently. I know it’s just a part of life. Death. But it’s been increased recently. Too much. Too often. It’s probably the only thing I’ll never be desensitized to. At least I hope so. I don’t want to think about what it would mean if I did. I don’t know how to end this. Or even why I decided to write it in the first place. I guess I was hoping you would hear me better this way. So I guess I say this. Turn away from the light, it’s not your friend. You hear us, you know which way to come, back. And when you wake up, I’ll come visit. So wake up.

#triggering content #heavy #i wrote you a poem #just a mess of feelings #writing #my writing #long post #bad spoken word #fuck covid #isolation #self-isolation #the end of the world #as we know it #a message #to you #hear me #please

[thegrungyprincess]

This is not okay.

I saw a post about the northern lights.

It's a stunning sight, and I wish to see it one day. I took to Google to see where I would have to go if I did want to see the lights, all of the northern territories in Canada were recommend.

It got me thinking; if I ever found someone and got married, maybe we could honeymoon up north and see the lights. I would love that.  Being Canadian myself, I do want to travel to and see other parts of my country. But then I had a thought that wasn't so pleasant.

I am a person of colour. The northern territories don't home many like me. It made me wonder if I would be welcome there? If I would be treated like a guest, a tourist, or an unwanted outsider?

Living in Ontario, I was fortunate enough not to encounter as much racism and discrimination as I could have if I lived in another province, or even city. That doesn't mean that I haven't experienced racism in my life, because I have. But the fact that I can't decide to visit a part of my own country -the country I was born in, without wondering if I would even be welcome there is a BIG problem.

Do you think that when a white person plans a vacation overseas, they ever stop to wonder if the locals are going to welcome them? No. Because they know, as we know, that, of course, the locals will welcome them! There probably aren't many places in the world where a white person will be walking down the street and be side-eyed or shunned by the locals. Even if people aren't happy with their presence, they wouldn't say anything. But if a BIPOC person walks down the street of a predominantly white area, more often than not, that person will get looked at like an alien. And if you think even a little bit that I'm wrong or exaggerating, you are part of the problem.

Racism doesn't just "go away" if you ignore it. Or not exist if you choose not to believe in it. It IS real, and it IS relevant.

We will not all be equals until everyone decides to treat us all as equals. And to be honest, I have very little faith in that happening.

Please prove me wrong.

#so important #this is not okay #racism #racism is real #racism is revelant #discrimination #bipoc #support bipoc #we are not equal #writing #my writing #word post #self expression #The End of the World #as we know it #hope for change #for the better #poc #struggles of being a poc

[thegrungyprincess]

Progress is a funny thing.

Just when I build up the courage to take one step forward, it's immediately followed by three steps back. I know it's not supposed to be linear, but can it at least not be going in reverse?

I'm tired of running up the same hill, only to come tumbling back down from half way.

#progress #no progress #i feel stuck #word post #writing #my writing #isolation #self-isolation #pandemic #coronavirus #covid-19 #the end of the world #as we know it #story of my life

[thegrungyprincess]

Today the sky was on fire. I'm not sure what about it that gave many the desire to capture its blazing glory. Whether it was the intense yellow at the center of the horizon or the way the pinkish-orange hues shone under the grey clouds as if to remind us that the sky is not an infinite space around us, but horizontal barrier above our head. To remind us that we are trapped within its confines. And even though we don't always see it, that barrier is always there.

Today is the day we saw hell on earth, and everyone thought it was beautiful.

#i don't know what this is #the sky made me feel a lot of things today #I just wanted to share that #writing #my writing #isolation #self-isolation #trapped #pandemic #covid-19 #the end of the world #as we know it #see you in hell

[thegrungyprincess]

1:58am

She sat by her window watching the last specs or pink disappear from the sky. The night was calm and quiet, the complete opposite of inside her head.

"He'll never understand," she thinks to herself. Blinking away the tears that begin to blur her vision, she let's her chin rest on her palm and sighs.

She doesn't know how long she sits there spiraling in her own thoughts until the buzz of her phone next to her brakes her trance. It's him.

"Still up?" The message reads.

She stares at it for a moment before reluctantly picking up the phone to respond: "Yeah".

She sees him start typing immediately and can't help the small smile that appears on her face.

"Are you able to video call? The funniest thing happened at work today and typing just won't do it justice 😂"

"Lol yeah sure". She stands from the window bed and does a quick scan of the room to ensure it's not too messy before moving to the mirror to fix herself up. She gets in one last look-over just as her phone rings. She settles back onto the window bed and answers.

"Ah, now I see why you took so long."

"What do you mean?"

"You were in front of the mirror trying to perfect perfection. If I didn't call you would have been there forever." He chuckles and she does her best to hide the blush rising in her cheeks.

"You're so cheesy" she jests. "So what's this funny thing that happened at work?"

As he tells his story she finds herself fixated on all the little details of him. The way his hand gestures get exeggerated the more excited he gets, the way his eyes crinkle when he laughs, the dimple on his left cheek.

"...and then Ben had to pull the fire alarm just to get us all out of there! Like isn't that the craziest thing ever?"

She laughs airily and nods. "For sure. They're never going to let any of you near the rotisserie chicken again".

"Oh I wouldn't, not unless they want the whole store burnt down".

The laughing dies down and they fall into a comfortable silence. It amazes her the affect he has on her. She's almost forgotten that just before this she was silently crying and looking up at the stars.

"The night sky is beautiful isn't it?" He asks, gazing past her and out his own window.

The moonlight shining in illuminates his features in a way that makes him look ethereal. "It really is," she replies.

His eyes meet hers through the screen and they lock. A million words pass between them, all getting lost in tanslation.

"You know, you're the only one who wants to hear my work stories."

"I'm sure that's not true."

"It is. I was telling Jenny about it when I was driving her home and she barely even faked a laugh, and she works there!"

"Jenny doesn't count, after all this time she's immune to your antics. I'm surprised she didn't just say: that's nice sweetie".

"You do know I'm older than her, right?

"You all act like children in the store, Jenny's the one who keeps you all in check."

He laughs and rubs the back of his neck "yeah, I guess you're right".

They fall back into silence and she wonder what thoughts are running through his head. She must have been staring at him because he winks at her and smiles.

"Don't go too far now, I won't be able to find your replacement on such short notice."

"Excuse me? I'm irreplaceable" she state, raising an eyebrow at him.

"Well..."

She gasp and he laughs, hands going up beside his ears; "kidding, kidding! Please don't kill me I'm too young to die, haven't even lived yet."

She sighs and shake her head fondly; "I'll spare you this time. Next time you might not be so lucky."

He bows in praise, thanking her for sparing his life. "Alright well it's getting late now, I'll let you go."

She looks at her clock and sees it's almost 2am. "Woah, when did that happen?"

"An eternity with you would only feel like a minute," he says far too casually for that weight of that statement. "Not enough time".

She considers his words for a moment, but push the thought away with an internal "nah". "You say that but you'd get distracted by the next pretty thing that came along and I'd be on my own."

He holds his chest and gasps in pretend shock. "Your words hurt me, I would never. You're irreplaceable, remember?"

His smile is contagious and she feels the heat in her cheeks again as she smiles back.

"Okay, goodnight now," he says and she can't help but feel sad having to let him go.

"Goodnight," she replies, and the call ends.

She closes her blinds and makes her way to bed. "Why can't he just feel the same way?" She asks herself for the millionth time. Crawling under the covers she closes her eyes willing sleep to consume her. She lays there for a while, thoughts of him playing behind her eye lids like a movie. Eventually, her wish is granted and her mind slips into unconsciousness.

Her last thought before falling asleep is "one day I'll let you know just how much I love you."

#i wrote this at 1am #late night thoughts #raw draft #writing #my writing #word post #long post #scenario #fiction scenario #the end of the world #as we know it #pandemic #one sided love #miscommunication #not meant to be #isolation #angst