My shoulders are broad,
My body is strong,
My heart is soft,
And at times my will is weak.
My will is weak because I’ve had to be stronger for longer than anyone should have.
Many people are forced to harden themselves against their will and hopes.
I’ve watched people reconcile themselves to patterns, complacency, and fear.
Often times we speak of addictions as a substance but forget the most important part, the feeling.
I feel so strongly, I’m so sensitive, I take everything personally because the index for all of my pain was carved into my family tree.
This doesn’t make me any better or any worse. We all bare our pain, our trauma, guilt and our shame. In a suitcase, a backpack, a knapsack, your back pocket or memories in the forgotten corner of your mind.
As smart as I am, I use my thoughts to intellectualize my feelings. I give them sounds, songs, colors, themes, narratives;
I make the pieces fit.
I add handles to the baggage that is to cumbersome to carry; when in reality, forcing this accommodation only hurts me more.
These burdens are not mine, these wounds are not self-inflicted; but by carrying them, the pain is.
When you’re loved at another’s convenience, and you are isolated for so long, it’s easy to become sentimental.
Sentimental for inanimate objects.
A pen, a notebook, a laptop, a toy, pillows, blankets, clothes and even a chain around your neck.
Not because of what they are, but what they mean to you.
This is where I’m confused.
Between the blurred vague boundaries, between meanings and feelings.
What should I carry, internalize, and or discard. How to I process all these years of existence?
I spent so long building a future so haunted by my past that I never thought to consider what feelings, meanings, and patterns I may have unintentionally carried and lobbed forward into the future, hoping some meaning remains.
Hoping that all this suffering and pain was worth it. Unaware that my existence in all the temporal planes of time, namely the present, is the most important.
I was always enough and will be for better or worse.
My shoulders are broad,
My body is strong,
My heart is soft,
My will may be weak,
But I will carry that weight.
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summer knocks on my door. i open it and it presents me with a basket of mangoes and açais. the scent of nostalgia fills my house as it creeps into every corner of my home.
i smile, not knowing how to accept this surprise, for my soul still sits by the hearth, wrapping the blanket of the dark months around its bodice. but summer persist and she wobbles into my living room, pouting at the state of my being.
“release,” she speaks.
quite alarmed my soul resists. she looks away, insisting on more firewood to keep her cozy.
but summer is as stubborn as me. she holds my face and plants a thousand sweet kisses.
“let go,” she repeats.
with each kiss, she plants seeds of a new beginning.
“it’s time for you to grow again,” she twirls and a thousand different dimensions sprout out of me.
finally, my soul sheds the cocoon of her horrid memories and begins to rise, finally re-entering me.
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BORN TO-
"I can never read all the books I want; I can never be all the people I want and live all the lives I want. I can never train myself in all the skills I want. And why do I want?
I want to live and feel all the shades, tones and variations of mental and physical appearance possible in my life. And I am horribly limited."
-The Unabridged journals of Sylvia Plath
FORCED TO-
“You will never be able to experience everything. So, please, do poetical justice to your soul and simply experience yourself.”
-Albert Camus
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