casandraspoems

[casandraspoems]

STRUGGLING TO WRITE

I seem to write from a place of self-hate

Hate for the way my brain thinks

Hate for the mistakes I’ve made

And hate for the person I’ve become

Now as I try to make a change

I struggle to write with grace

Kind words come out awkward

They sound just as clunky on paper as they do in my head

And I’m not sure how to write elegantly

From a place of love

Or even neutral curiosity

Self criticism feels innate

A continuous monologue of self hate

Rolls of my tongue as poetry

kindness is jarring

There’s long pauses

An uncomfortable feeling

Of disconnect

How unlike me

The irony in that

To not like the person you are

But feel unsettled in self comparison

#poems and poetry #writers of tumblr #original poetry #poets of tumblr #self compassion #self love #self hate #self loathing #writers block #accepting change #spilled ink

[casandraspoems]

cooking for people who have no idea what they are doing (or are just, like, real depressed)

Okay, I’m a professional cook, but also, I get depressed. This is the cooking I do when I’m depressed, because I need the simplest path to a whole meal.

This is not for vegetarians, because, while I wholeheartedly support people choosing vegetarianism, and also enjoy cooking for vegetarians, for me, the simplest path to a meal includes meat. Perhaps when I am less depressed I will work on options.

A lot of recipes focus on achieving food that is in some way special, using special techniques, or using a precise list of carefully measured high-end ingredients… and that’s not this, this is all the parts of cooking that are not those things.

First, shopping

Meats Starches Veggies Sauces Breakfast/Snack

For a whole week you’re going to want

3 kinds of meat, with five portions each. So, for example, five chicken breasts, 10 sausage links, and 2-3 pounds of ground beef. Other possibilities include pork chops, salmon, some kind of steak, whatever. 

You’re going to want up to 3 starches. Honestly I usually stick to just rice, but you can go with rice, potatoes, and pasta. If you want to use quinoa or polenta or something, thats on you.

And, you’re going to want about 3 types of vegetables, again, about 5 portions each – and try to stay green. So personally, I usually get 5 medium zucchini, 2 medium heads of broccoli, and then either yellow squash or mushrooms. A bag of salad greens is also a good option, and I have an easy way to make a good salad, which I will do as a separate post.

Next pick something easy that works as either breakfast or a snack. For me this is a loaf of bread, a jar of peanut butter, and a bunch of bananas. Sometimes it’s nice to have an additional option here, like cereal or yogurt. 

Last, you’ll want 2-5 sauces in bottles. I would definitely recommend a low sodium soy sauce be one of them, and maybe a BBQ sauce for the other. I usually also include worcestershire and sriracha but go with whatever you want, teriyaki sauce, A1, whatever you know you’ll eat. Hell, you can use Italian style salad dressing as a cookable sauce if you really want.

Oh, and If you don’t already have some at the house, you’ll need pan lube: butter and/or some kind of cooking oil. 

Okay! we’re done shopping! Affordability isn’t the main focus here, but is undeniably important – I live in a very expensive area, this shopping trip is going to feed me well for a week and costs me about $100 bucks. When I was living in Alabama, it probably would have cost me more like $70. You won’t need to get stuff like the sauce and rice and peanut butter every week, so you’re definitely looking at a monthly grocery bill of something like $300 depending on where you live, and that’s not too bad. 

Prep

hell no, I’m depressed, the only prep I’m doing is putting two packages of meat in the freezer and the rest of this stuff in the fridge. You CAN box or bag each portion of meat separately so you can really alternate what you eat – me, I’m gonna eat chicken for two or three days, then beef for two or three days, etc.

and listen, don’t fuck around with microwave settings or running water on things to defrost them. If you package the meat all up separately, just move a portion from the freezer to the fridge each time you cook dinner. Or, if you do like me, move the whole package when you go to cook your last portion of the previous stuff, and just deal with the fact that it will probably still be a tiny bit frozen when you go to cook next.

Tip: When you cook dinner, you’re going to make enough for lunch. That just leaves you one small meal - I often smear peanut butter on a peice of bread and wrap it around a banana like a taco - fast, easy, practically no dishes, relatively healthy

____________________________________________________________

Cooking (this is going to take about 25 minutes)

You’re going to need

ONE frying pan, medium size w/ lid ONE boil pot, medium size w/ lid knife, a spatula and a cutting board.

If you want to be fancy, you can include a big spoon. Looks like this

No matter what the specific ingredients you’ve chosen, the basic format is going to be:

Start your starch heat pan, put meat in the pan flip meat and add veggies, cover with lid remove meat and add sauce finish starch put everything on a plate while it is still too hot to eat and you are standing in the kitchen anyway, wash the like, 4 dishes you’ve gotten dirty. eat.

Okay, before you even get everything else out, start your starch. For rice this means rinse the rice and put it in the cold water and set it on high heat, for pasta this means put your salted water on the stove on high heat. For potatoes, you can use my perfect mashed potatoes recipe (I’ll do that as a separate post) or, honestly, you can wait until you’re halfway done with the rest of everything and microwave the sucker for like 8 minutes. I would never do that in a restaurant, but trying to feed my lethargic depressed ass? Absolutely.

easy rice: Fill your smallest coffee cup with rice, put it in the pot. Rinse. Fill the same cup twice with water, add to rice. Bring to a boil, give a good stir, turn heat all the way down, put a lid on it for something like 15 more minutes.

Okay, now lube your pan. Butter, olive oil, whatever. You’re probably looking at an amount more than a teaspoon and less than a table spoon of whichever you use. Personally I try to use as little olive oil as possible, so I pour a large coin sized amount (a quarter in the U.S.) into the pan, ear off a piece of the paper towel I’m going to use as my napkin for the evening, fold it up tight, and sort of paint the oil around so a little goes a longer way.

Pan lubed? Great, turn your burner on. highest heat will work but is not ideal, medium heat will work better but is still not ideal. Halfway between the two is perfect for chicken, a little hotter for beef, a little lower for fish.

Now remove two portions of your chosen protein (that way you’ll have tomorrow’s lunch too). By the time you get the packaging open and stuff, your pan is probably hot. If it’s not, let it get hot. You don’t want the oil to start smoking (warning, butter will burn faster than oil) but if you shake a single drop of water off your finger into the pan, you want it to sizzle.

If your pan is hot, put your meat in. The more you do this, the more you’ll perfect the timing, but you’re going to cook it for ~about~ 7 minutes before you flip it, maybe a couple minutes longer if it’s chicken or pork, maybe a couple minutes less if it’s beef.

Now that your meat is in, prepare your veggie. Rinse it off, cut off any part of it you don’t want to eat, and then cut what’s left into pieces the size of a large bite. Don’t worry, it’s going to get a little smaller when you cook it. Take your time, you’ll probably finish in less time than the meat needs.

Time to flip your meat? Great. Do that, and then dump your chopped up veggie in the pan. It does not matter at all if the pieces are not touching the bottom of the pan -probably most of them will not be, a bunch will be on top of the meat, that’s fine.

Put a lid on it. Now add your pasta to the water, or put your potato in the microwave, or check your rice. If following my perfect mashed potato recipe, mash now.

Rice tip, checking: eat a grain, you want zero crunch. If it’s not done and there’s no liquid, add a splash of water and stir. It it’s done or close to done, but it is still very wet, give it a big stir and leave on the stove with the lid off for a couple minutes.

Your meat still has like, at least 4 minutes, so rinse off your cutting board and chef knife, get out a plate, table knife and fork.

 Meat done? Great. Take the meat out of the pan, leaving the veggies in. Add sauce to the pan. I like to also use a little wine, because it’s usually already in the house, if you have some and want to, pour a large swallow of wine in the pan with the sauce. I’ll often mix a couple sauces, like worcestershire and soy (makes something similar to teriyaki) or hot sauce and BBQ

Stir the sauce around with the veggies. This, called deglazing, is an important step for two reasons, 1: it will get up a lot of the flavorful stuff that has stuck to the pan and make your sauce better, and 2: it will make washing the pan much easier. Okay, put the lid back on for one to two minutes, maybe stir a couple times. Basically you want the sauce to stain the veggies.

Your starch should be done, turn off the burner, put a portion on your plate, and stick the rest in a ziplock or tupperware or something. Go ahead and throw the second portion of meat right in there with it. 

Turn off the stove and scoop the veggies onto the plate, and pour the sauce from the pan over everything.

Now, while it’s too hot to eat, and you’re standing in the kitchen anyway, wash the pot, pan, and spatula. It should be very easy because of the way you used the sauce and because nothing has had a chance to harden. This usually takes me about 2 full minutes.

__________________________________________________________

OKAY! it’s been 20-25 minutes, you’ve got dinner and tomorrow’s lunch (just add another cut up veggie, pour a different sauce on, and put it in the microwave for two or three minutes) AND there’s no danger of dishes piling up on you :) You can even add “washing last night’s plate and fork for use tonight” to where you rinse the cutting board to really keep it full circle.

It’s not gormet. It IS accessibly healthy, affordable, and easy.

If you are extra depressed, forget the starch and use more veggies; this cuts what little work there is by up to half

Using this format, you can have three good meals per day and only spend 30 total minutes a day in the kitchen — including clean up! (dishes piling up tends to exacerbate my depression and makes cooking your next meal harder)

And it’s easy to give yourself a wide variety, from soy glazed chicken, zucchini and rice one night; to steak, mushrooms and pasta the next; followed by BBQ pork chops, brocoli and potatoes… I suck at math but there’s probably a hundred options

Just to recap, because I know I was very detailed and this might seem overwhelming, once you read through the above to answer any questions you might have, simply

-Start your starch -lube & heat pan, put meat in the pan, about 7 minutes -flip meat, add veggies, lid, about 7 minutes -wash knife and cutting board -remove meat and add sauce to veggies, re-lid, 1-2 minutes -finish starch, refrigerate extra meat and starch  -put everything left on a plate -wash pot and pan -eat.

[casandraspoems]

It took you breaking up with me to realize you never wanted to, that I could be loved unconditionally. I didn’t know that was possible. I didn’t even love myself unconditionally. You’ve shown me that it’s possible, and I’ve never felt more capable. It took you breaking up with me, to feel secure in our relationship, to be hopeful in our future together. I love you and I can finally believe you will always love me, even when I’m annoying, even when I make mistakes, and I can love myself during those times too.

#love poem #breaking up #poets of tumblr #poetrycommunity #spilled ink #relationships #lgbt+ #lesbian

[casandraspoems]

To give you space

To give you space is excruciating

To sit in this unknown

sits in my chest like heat and pressure

I hate this

But I love you

And I know you are struggling too

It hurts

Knowing I might not be someone you trust anymore

That I’m not the person you thought I was

That I have the capacity of hurting others

And I’m ashamed

I offer my accountability

My willingness to improve

And my patience

And if you decide

We should part

As hard as it world be

Ill offer my acceptance

For you and for me

#Poetry #relationships #fear of provided breakup #anxiety bubbles under the surface of this poem #patience #acceptance #love

[casandraspoems]

When Springtime Comes Can I Be a Child Again?

🍃🫧*ੈ✩‧₊˚👒🌿

In the spring can we make Fairyhouses

With moss roofs and acorn top decore

Can we scour the woods for building materials

Return with shirts  filled of tree bark, flower buds, and various mushrooms

Can we smash achornes between rocks

And prepare a fairy delecasy

Of acorn, poison barriers, and mushrooms

And I know right now it's cold and dark

But when early spring comes I'll pick you snowbells from the yard

Display them in a tiny vase

So we'll know springtime is here

Because this winter I felt grown

But when spring springtime comes

I was hoping you might want to join me

In feeling like a child again

🌱˚ ༘♡ ⋆｡˚🫧🪷

#fairycore #cottagecore #springtime #child like wonder #childhood #original poetry

[casandraspoems]

Edited: Bloody Tally Poem

I’ve been counting

Every waisted moment

Every mistake

Every time I’ve hurt another

I’ve been recording

As lines of red

Then purple

Then white

And I’ve been trying to count less

Record less upon my body

But it’s hard to stop keeping track

To let mistakes go

Because how am I supposed to know

If I'm a good person

Without punishment and rumination

Because my bloody tally

Is my proof that I’m devotee to caring

Bloody Tally

A self harm poem

⚠️tw for implied self harm ⚠️

I’ve been counting

Every waisted moment

Every mistake

Every time I’ve hurt another

I’ve been recording

As lines of red

Then purple

Then white

And I’ve been trying to count less

Record less upon my body

As tallies tattooed in collagen

But it’s hard to stop keeping track

To let mistakes go

Because what if I forget

Forget to be kind

What if counting keeps me in line

Because my bloody tally

Is my proof that I’m devout to caring

#i edited to make it more true to me #in how I feel #poem #poets of tumblr #spilled ink #original writing

[casandraspoems]

Bloody Tally

A self harm poem

⚠️tw for implied self harm ⚠️

I’ve been counting

Every waisted moment

Every mistake

Every time I’ve hurt another

I’ve been recording

As lines of red

Then purple

Then white

And I’ve been trying to count less

Record less upon my body

As tallies tattooed in collagen

But it’s hard to stop keeping track

To let mistakes go

Because what if I forget

Forget to be kind

What if counting keeps me in line

Because my bloody tally

Is my proof that I’m devout to caring

#self harm poem #self h@rm #original poetry #spilled ink #self punishment #poetry #short poem #depression

[casandraspoems]

#I can’t stop thinking about this #and laughing

[casandraspoems]

To high to be loved

Don’t you agree I’m annoying for only ever talking about myself, thinking about myself, pitying myself, and making you pity me. And I’m starting to think you don’t like me but only think you do because of the way you feel when you wake up next to me or kiss me. But those things aren’t based on who I am but only in what I give and my availability. And if you were to judge me for me, wouldn’t you argue, I’m not that likable. And maybe I just got too high, that my paranoia expresses itself as a distaste in myself, a worry you will come to realize I’m too annoying, selfish, and stupid for you to want me in your life. And even this poem reads like a plea for pity, a representation of my inability to think about anyone but myself.

But when the THC wears off and my head stops spinning with worry, I know you don't find me annoying. You may find my tendencies annoying, when I dominate a conversation, cut you off, or repeatedly say I'm sorry. But I know you don't find ME annoying, not the person that I am. Because if that were the case you wouldn't want me around as much as you do, and you wouldn't choose to do activities with me that leave so much time for talking.

And I probably should stay away from weed, or at least getting so high that I let worry take the lead. But these worries are not exclusive to my high experience, they are there in my sobriety as well just less pressing, less sticky, but still there. So I’m not regretful for that anxious high because in the clarity after that worry and the contemplation of it, I realized how much I want to improve. To give more time for you to speak, to be mindful when you are speaking and to work toward not needing so much reassurance. I want to hate myself less, love myself more, and worry less so that I have more space to love you, and so you won’t have to expel all your love on patience waiting for me to do so.

#anxiety poem #weed #relationship anxiety #lgbt+ #lesbian

[casandraspoems]

Falling For You

⚠️Trigger warring self harm⚠️

Maybe I am falling for you

Because I’ve been daydreaming

In the way that I do

Thinking about cutting in places for you

Across my chest

And before there done healing

You’ll lift up my shirt for kisses

To find the scar id’e been concealing

My heart will race, stomach flip

And I think maybe this is love I’m feeling

But this time I won’t obsess

Or reject these thoughts as flaws

These feelings as signs

No analyzing for ulterior motives

Or until total loss of feeling

Because thoughts can’t be manipulative

So neither can these

But the more I’m with you

The more I think

How nice it feels when you comfort me

And I can feel my brain push

To act in a way that would warrant your coddling

And I know it’s okay to think

That the thoughts alone can not be evil

But what if I like to think them

Does that make me evil?

I told my self I wouldn’t think like this

I like you to much to let this win

#original poetry #self harm #intrusive thoughts #self h@rm #poem #falling in love? #spilled ink #anxitey #lgbt+

[casandraspoems]

you aren't obligated to ever label your sexuality btw. you can just have sex, hang out with people, and fall in love. labels can be useful, for both navigating what kind of relationships you desire as well as political organization. but if identifying yourself as something is debilitating, you are under no obligation to use that label even if you definitionally "align" with that label. nor are you obligated to tell everyone (or anyone) about your sexuality. you can also wear labels like a fun hat, and put it on & take it off whenever.

#yup! #or your gender #lgbtqia

[casandraspoems]

I’m not sure that I like you in the way you like me

Ive never been certain in my feeling towards anyone

Until I get drunk and realize my wants cloud reality

I’m worried that’s happening now

I use to try to turn love into logic

A qualitative test to determine my attraction

But the results only ever disappointed

I thought keeping things casual was the solution

But when you said you were falling for me

In the expectation of reciprocation

Uncertainty started to creep

Guild began to spread

And worry took root

It’s not that I feel nothing at all

I’m just worry it’s not enough for this to be fair

I want to keep us going

But I don’t want to waste your time

Maybe I need longer

Or maybe I need to get drunk

I want to like you with equal intensity

But I fear I don’t like you

The way you like me

#it’s a gay poem because I’m gay #but also it’s a universal thing to question so it’s for everyone #can live in a relationship ever be completely equal #probably not so I shouldn’t worry about it #and I should just enjoy being loved #and let myself feel without worrying of what I’m feeling is correct #uncertainty

[casandraspoems]

Happy Place(⚠️Trigger warning Self Harm⚠️)

What if my happy place is in a hospital bed?

Wrapped in a warm blanket from the dryer

Would that make me sick?

To miss that moment

There are so many things self harm shouldn’t be, but are

I had never felt more calm

I knew I would miss it

But I forgot how many ways it served me

#self h@rm #s€lfh4rm #s€elfh@rm #original poetry #poets of tumblr #hospital #original poem #fucked in the head #spilled ink #poem #poetry #s€!£ H@rm #sh #tw sh #S€LF H4RM #sel£ h4rm

[casandraspoems]

“You’re a horrible person”

The words rings out inside my head

A phrase that use to feel so fitting

Now sounds out of place

What have I done to think it so much?

The words come unprovoked

Without permission they degrade me

I thought if the feeling lessened

The words would too

But they seem clearer then before

More frequent then before

Does this work like a dream?

Only amiss when awoken to reality?

Does disagreeing anger it?

Or am I just stuck in a habit

Of hateful talk and angry words?

#why does hating one’s self feel easier #come more naturally #negative self talk #poets of tumblr #spilled ink #original poetry #learning to love myself

[casandraspoems]

Rot

My body rots

From the inside out it festers

Nothing I feed it nourishes

My teeth ache

Sugar coated, cavity filled

And I can feel them wiggle in place

My lungs pitch

Stomach cramps

And I can feel the boarder of the rot

Feel it creep up my center

Reaching inside my skull

My brain rots

Thoughts lose logic

Reality loses meaning

And I loose myself

I tell myself to breath

A breath of fresh

Asbestos fibers lodge beeper in my lungs

Another breath of

Lead makes my fingertips go numb

I wonder how I ended up here

Why all the poison I’m handed

I gather in my arms

thanking everyone along the way

As I rot away

#I’m not fully sure what this poem means to me #it’s sorta a lot of ideas put together #sometimes I just feel horrible #and I can’t help feeling like I sorta did it to myself #also sometimes depression to me can feel like I’m rotting #I also work in the asbestos field and I don’t hate it but some days it scares me #I feel greatful for the opertunity while also being afraid for my heath and others #and in someways it touches the surface of how poison filled this word is #and a sprinkle of health anxiety as well #but please as always interpret this poem how you please #that’s the best part of poety and music #poets of tumblr #spilled ink #poetry #anxitey

[casandraspoems]

Bad Idea

It’s not if I reach out

It’s when

But now is not the time

My reasons are all wrong

I’m gross and I’m desperate

And you don’t deserve to be used

Like I’ve done in the past

You’re not the same person to me as you once were

Distance has warped the idea of you

You’ve been my anger for so long

And it’s nothing that you have done

It’s more about who I became

After I met you

#original poetry #poets of tumblr #spilled ink #poem #ex best friend

[casandraspoems]

Drunk in the City

The city is meant to be experienced drunk

The way the lights glow and streak

How sounds blend and fill

The way your mind wonders

How might it feel to step out into traffic

That it might not hurt as much as you feared

And for once the thought doesn’t scare you

How refreshing it is to think about death without fearing yourself

To be drunkenly honest with yourself

How words and truths spill over without getting caught on embarrassment and guilt

To not feel defined by your thoughts or emotionals

Content in not being defined at all

The city is meant to be experienced drunk

#short poem #original poetry #drunk #new your city #city lights #intrusive thoughts #accepting intrusive thoughts #just being honest #self acceptance