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Fear Street Part Three: 1666 — 17/10

Ah! Back at it again with that gay shit. Fuck yeah.

Something that’s been floating around in my head as this trilogy has rolled out is the sore-thumb sticking point of a totally and definitely and most certainly guilty teenaged witch Sarah Fier being at the center of these centuries-spanning murder sprees which always see the disadvantaged, the put-upon, the misfits and outcasts, suffering the most. After all, couldn’t the hanged witch herself be counted among those victims? If you hadn’t guessed the answer was yes going in, the whole first act will be an experience of discovery and surprise. If not, “1666”, still anticipates at least some of the audience have clued in to the game already, and so the movie knows to balance letting this audience discovery play out, and when to head the audience off at the pass with misdirections. It allows the film to maintain its sense of unpredictability without cheating its audience - a much harder trick to pull off than usually given credit for.

If “1666” is gayer than the last one, it’s also more entrenched in the bigotry at the story’s center. Sarah and Hannah don’t have long to sit with their finally-expressed attraction to each other before the rumors start flying, dark magic gets brewing, and accusations of sin and witchcraft begin sticking. Sarah and Hannah both question if their feelings for one another may have opened a door for the devil to stroll into this tiny settlement and wreak havoc. It’s Solomon Goode, of all people, who insists that evil is not let in by chance. Speaking personally, a lot of this first half can be hard to watch, with all its internalized homophobia and the helplessness the two leads are drowning in. I’m not the first gay person to wonder if my feelings were just a sin indulged, a taste that somehow became a bite before I knew it. But as Solomon Goode says, “Dalliance or no... evil is not let in by chance. You have to give it your hand.” And the rest of the settlement do just that; in a heated meeting (of just the men, of course), suspicions arise, fear is mongered, and an embarrassed, romantically-rejected asshat seizes the opportunity to make the rejecting woman pay.

We soon learn that the witch of Shadyside in 1666 is Solomon Goode - is, in fact, another Goode every few years, always feeding souls to whatever devil made the first deal with Solomon, so that the Goode line can retain its prosperity and wealth. Sarah Fier, for her part, did inflict her own curse, but not on the town. Moments before her hanging, she promises Solomon that she will out the truth from beyond the grave, that she will tell her story, that she and every name he claims, every collateral life he steals, will follow him and haunt him forever.

In 1994, with the cat out of the bag, Deena, Josh and Ziggy and a delightful but rather suddenly enlisted Martin set up a trap for Goode in the Shadyside mall, which was built around the hanging tree where Sarah hanged in 1666 and Ziggy saw her sister die in 1978 — bringing the trilogy to an exciting, biting, and satisfying conclusion.

#movie review #horror #fear street part three: 1666 #fear street #netflix #r.l. stine #witches #are is gay? #is gay #seratonin #i crave death #homoerotic kerfuffle

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What We Do in the Shadows: Season One — 15/10

Yes, indeed, there is not a single heterosexual in the main cast. All of them are at LEAST bicurious, if not full on bisexual. I personally prescribe to the theory that vampirism, in this universe, anyway, makes one perpetually Down To Fukk. For evidence, I submit: *wildly gestures at everything this show does all the time*

Which is not to say that every member of the gang knows themselves quite yet. In fact, I think almost all of them are still figuring themselves out on a deeper level. Which makes sense when you really consider it, right? You’ve been turned into a vampire some handful of centuries ago, you suddenly have a LOT on your plate! That pesky, newfangled sexual awakening is just going to have to wait until you’ve figured out the more pressing stuff, like the “feeding” situation and deciding upon An Aesthetic for yourself. (You can’t drain the lifeblood of an unsuspecting neighborhood looking like a trash cat; how uncouth that would be.)

So now, in the 21st century, we see the gang begin to connect and reconnect with parts of themselves. Nandor, once a king and a bloodthirsty (lol) warrior, is now hardly man of the house, and even that authority is questioned on a daily basis. But slowly, he begins to find his place in this modern world (he gets his citizenship at one point!), and finds his place within the gang, too. Basically, Nandor is kinda like Posh Spice, so to speak.

Nadja has to separate herself from Laszlo, as well as the ghosts of her former lovers, particularly... was it Jeck? Jesk? Anyway, Nadja also sees a startling amount of herself in the awkward, clumsy, unconfident Jenna, whom she turns into a vampire and tries to take under her wing (lol, it’s gonna keep happening, huh?). Nadja is, of course, Scary Spice.

Between Simon the Devious and the temporary break that Nadja imposes, Laszlo has to face some deeply buried insecurities which are often easily dug up by those around him despite his best efforts. Laszlo is Baby Spice, of course.

Colin Robinson is absolutely the filthiest member of the gang; this may very well be because he is the only one fully accepting of himself, and therefore getting laid as he likes. The rest are floating, hissing balls of latent-bisexual disaster, but Colin Robinson knows what he wants, and has the confidence/hubris to go out and get it. Colin Robinson doesn’t learn or change so much as he becomes more stalwart in his own, already titanium-strong sense of self. For these such reasons, he is Ginger Spice.

Which leaves Guillermo, who arguably grows the most of all five. As Nandor’s familiar, he wants nothing more than to be turned into a vampire — a goal which, much like the proverbial carrot on a stick, is always one step out of reach. Like Colin Robinson, his resolve hardens as the season goes on, but unlike Colin Robinson, Guillermo’s resolve is challenged frequently, subjected to tougher and tougher litmus tests, until destiny itself comes a-knocking to tell him that he was always meant for the very opposite of what he wants the most. He learns not to give up, but he also learns where his limits are, too, and that if he doesn’t stand fast for himself, no one else will do so for him. For his resilience and dedication, Guillermo De la Cruz is Sporty Spice.

Also, Harvey Guillen is both talented and sexy as all hell, and I could watch him endlessly. Honestly, 2 points for Harvey Guillen just bein’ here. What an absolute treasure. God bless.

#tv review #what we do in the shadows #nandor x guillermo #nadja and laszlo #vampires #bi awakening #bi acceptance #spice girls #i crave death #homoerotic kerfuffle

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Batman (1989) — 10/10

Well, this one is a particularly weird one! As far as actual homoeroticism goes, which is kinda my raison d’être, it’s some pretty slim pickings over here. Early in the movie, a young officer approaches Commissioner Gordon to discreetly inform him of a scene-in-progress, and the two share a hauntingly intimate moment, utterly radiating sexual tension. And... that’s basically it? I mean, I could hear an argument that Carl Grissom and Jack Napier might be down for a hate-fuck. I guess. But funny enough, this is one of the few iterations of Batman and The Joker that has not an ounce, not a shred, not a drop of sexual tension in their relationship, even in jest.

Honestly, TMI for my shitpost tumblr so sorry, but for me, Batman is really one of the few superheroes I connected with on any level deeper than “Ah, fun movie.” I was late boarding the Bat-train. I was fully an adult, having only just accepted myself as a gay man, still very closeted for very good reasons, and still trying to figure out how to function like a complete person without letting my worst experiences dictate the rest of my life. Having only been exposed to “The Dark Knight” in my teens and not much else Bat-media, I was surprised to find so much of myself and what I was going through reflected in a fictional character hiding behind a mask. But then, I guess the mask was really the point all along, huh? What does it say about you that the mask you wear is a better reflection of you than the face you see in the mirror?

What Tim Burton and Michael Keaton bring to the table is an element that a lot of the comics, though certainly not every iteration, dance all around to the point that it’s hard to miss — and for their part, and their respective talents, it’s an element that Nolan and Snyder just absolutely do not care about, and probably don’t much want attached to their takes on the character — and that’s that Bruce Wayne? Kind of a fuckin’ weirdo, man. I don’t mean brooding or moody. I mean a socially maladapted, self-sabotaging, and obsessive brand of weird. Christian Bale’s Batman ponders philosophically over every fall he takes, and how to get back up. Keaton’s Batman smirks to himself when a mugger hits him back. Bale’s Batman dresses like a bat so his enemies will share his dread. Keaton’s Batman dresses like a bat because it makes him seem less, or sometimes more than, human. Burton and Keaton connect to the character not as a lone wolf type, but as a weird misfit who once was ripped apart by the world, so now he struggles to bring those parts of himself back together again.

Bruce Wayne is a guy who spends his daylight hours pretending to be an oblivious party- and sex-animal to throw observers off his scent, and then spends his nights dressing in outlandish garb and a mask that reflects a deep, complex part of himself that he otherwise finds difficult to express. But yeah, wonder how a gay person could possibly relate to about that?!

So, yeah. From me, full marks. I’m stretching my own arbitrary rules here a bit, but this one means a lot to me.

Anyway, I hope Commissioner Gordon and that officer quit the force, ran off together, and built a quiet life for each other somewhere quaint, free from the many, many, many burdens of straight white men who play dress-up and actively refuse therapy.

#movie review #batman 1989 #Batman #tim burton #michael keaton #jack nicholson #the joker #gotham #got too sincere #sorry #i crave death #homoerotic kerfuffle

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Fear Street Part Two: 1978 — 4/10

I’m honestly just joyously baffled at the sheer concept that these movies exist. Director and co-writer for all three movies, Leigh Janiak, has taken some of R.L. Stine’s most common tropes and mixed them in with the kinds of slasher films that, once upon a time, inspired kids to sneak away with the latest Friday the 13th or Elm Street sequel without their parents knowing. And of course, Janiak has added her own pinch of wit and fun to the dish. The end result, in both cases so far, is a fun, smart, gnarly slasher with a kind of optimistic mean streak, which goes just far enough to make the kills feel brutal while the movie itself still gives off the feeling that the characters have a fighting chance of making it out alive.

Thematically, both Fear Street movies deal with outsiders and misfits and their struggle with survival and resignation to the status quo they can’t fit into. Deena and Ziggy can see their destinies in Shadyside, each feeling alone and trapped and angry. Sam and Cindy have seen that future too, but they try to embrace the ill-fitting mold, glad to chip away at themselves until they do finally fit in. We see Will Goode, the future mayor of Shadyside, is already the arbiter of the status quo even as a camp counselor. And it’s a forgone conclusion that Nick Goode will grow up to take his father’s place as chief of police, and whatever he says to the contrary, and no matter how many cute ‘misfits’ he falls in with, when the rubber meets the road, that is all he expects of himself too.

Also at play is the film’s subversiveness and that carefully employed mean streak. Our killer doesn’t wear his iconic burlap sack until mere moments before he is killed (the first time, anyway). And the movie sort of goes out of its way to make Tommy feel tangible, bound by some rules of physics; he isn’t Jason Voorhees, fast-traveling phantom heavyweight champ of Camp Crystal Lake. Rather, “1978” wants us to remember that Tommy is just a good kid possessed, the first victim of the Camp Nightwing massacre, and a hollow puppet controlled by the witch Sarah Fier. Most of Tommy’s (or Sarah’s) victims are kids, ten- to twelve-year-olds, and the movie understandably does have to pull a few punches to effectively navigate that. But the shot near the end of the movie of all the sheet-covered bodies lined up outside the mess hall is genuinely one of the most haunting images I’ve seen in a horror movie in a WHILE.

So, just like the first one, “1978” is a good horror movie AND a genuinely fun one, too. The increasing rarity of these kinds of movies makes this one feel all the more special.

Unfortunately, I don’t rate how GOOD something is, I rate how GAY something is. And “1978” is much, much less gay than “1994”. No confirmed or even implied gays at the camp, so we’re startin’ at zero points. Deena, the not-possessed lesbian, gets some screen time during the bookends, so 1 point on principle. The themes at play here are reflective of, if not exclusive to, the queer experience, and honestly that’s not the weakest straw I’ve had to grasp at, so 1 point. And finally, Kurt’s man-ass. Look, turning the male gaze onto another man’s jiggly cheeks? That is PATENTLY homoerotic, bro. Can’t fucking believe that a Fear Street movie is giving American Horror Story a run for its man-ass money. 2 well-earned points.

#movie review #netflix #fear street part 2: 1978 #fear street #r.l. stine #witches #are is gay? #only a little #seratonin #summer camp #mossy toilets #i crave death #homoerotic kerfuffle

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Star Wars: The Phantom Menace — 9/10

*inhales deeply* Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan check each other out on the reg AT LEAST if nothing more, Anakin’s mom is a lesbian who was like “I want a son, don’t want a man,” and the Force was like “Yeah, girl, same. Have some immaculate conception.”, I think Yoda might be into some tantric shit with all the goddam riddles he uses when he talks, especially to men, and finally, I have come to the conclusion that C-3PO and R2-D2 are an asexual homoromantic couple cuz this meet cute was lit.

Look, there’s nine of these movies, plus two extracurricular ones, plus the tv shows and other shit which I may cover later. These can’t all be bangers. But this one was too, too powerful to expound into long, articulate paragraphs. This one is a revelation of queer pipe-dream-representation, and it’s gospel should be delivered in as raw and unaltered a form as possible.

#movie review #star wars #phantom menace #padme amidala #obi wan kenobi #anakin skywalker #i crave death #homoerotic kerfuffle

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The Haunting of Bly Manor — 16/10

All right, look. I know I stretch the definition of “homoerotic” all the time here — literally all the goddam time — but like. C’mon. Can this REALLY be called homoerotic if it’s THIS gay? (Still gonna count it though.)

‘Cause, this is about as gay as you can fuckin get. Gay. Homosexual. Lesbian. LGBTQIA+. Queer. Bisexual, even, perhaps? Or pansexual? Probably not in this case, Dani seems pretty disinterested in the fellas, and Jamie is doing some hardcore lesbian manspreading in those gardener overalls.

But, I think, there’s some major bi energy just radiating off, like, the rest of the cast. Like, you’re gonna tell me Owen is heterosexual, with all those puns and that majestic mustache? That the god-killing power gleaming in the eyes of Hannah Grose is the power of a cishet? And Henry being taunted by an evil doppelgänger of himself? That’s some basic queer-identity-crisis right there, same thing happened to me when I was sixteen. And no one could rock Miss Jessel’s black dress unless they were bisexual, deceased, and fuckin’ pissed about it. Oh, Viola Willoughby-Lloyd, straight? Huh, no thanks. Not buying that sell, pal, not for a second. “The rest is just confetti”, remember?

Anyway, 1 point docked for doing storytelling too well and making me sad. Seeing as I am gay, making me sad does in fact count as gay suffering, and in this case I suffered a lot and for like a week after. Good job, ya beautiful show, and fuck you.

#tv review #the haunting of bly manor #netflix #mike flanagan #dani x jamie #lesbians #victoria pedretti #amelia eve #rahul kohli #t’nia miller #bi or pan? #not straight #for damn sure #i crave death #homoerotic kerfuffle

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Good Omens: Season One — 14/10

H-hey. Hey. Do y’all... Maybe it’s just me, but... Do y’all get kinda a vibe... from...? I mean, they never exactly SAY it, not EXACTLY, but like... they don’t HAVE to say it, you know? I just... I’m just saying, I think there’s something to this one, gang.

#tv review #good omens #aziraphale #crowley #i mean look at them #i mean cmon #gay as hell #i crave death #homoerotic kerfuffle

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Fear Street Part One: 1994 - 17/10

I can’t believe this exists? Like??? An R. L. Stine joint said “gay rights”? Out loud? With its whole voice like that??? Fucken whatthefuck??? AND WE’RE GONNA GET TWO MORE????? I knew R.L. Stine was good people. Fuck yeah.

Gay? CHECK. Kerfuffle? Also CHECK. Full score, plus seven for funsies.

What if “Scream”, but ‘90s lesbians? What if “American Horror Story”, but an actual story and sometimes a little sense, as a treat? What if balls-to-the-wall, but cohesive?

What if fun horror movie 🤝 good horror movie?

These are the burning questions at the heart of “Fear Street”. And the answers, it turns out, are yes, yes, yes. I dunno who did what for which god(s), but thanks because I love you.

#movie review #netflix #fear street #fear street part 1: 1994 #lesbians #are is gay? #is gay #IS GAY #r.l. stine #witches #i crave death no more #seratonin #homoerotic kerfuffle

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Star Wars: Return of the Jedi — 3/10

Oof. That was a pretty steep decline in homoeroticism from the last one, huh?

Every instance of gay that came before is either muted here, or gone entirely. There’s less of Han and Chewie, less Yoda, and fewer opportunities for Luke, the Disaster Gay to make a big gay ass of himself. The Emperor has more than a pinch of camp to him, I’ll grant, but like with Luke, he doesn’t really have too many people to share chemistry with. And, truthfully, the most charitably homoerotic read I could give here is that old Palpy here is trying to literally seduce Luke to the Dark Side, just as he seduced Darth Vader a whole trilogy ago and... I just fucken don’t like that read, so I won’t entertain it. Am I hypocrite? Yes, of course I am; why would you even have to ask?

“Jedi” isn’t a total wash though. I enjoy that the gang have clearly spent an extensive period of time coming up with a plan to rescue Han, and the best Luke could come up with was, “I’ll just strut in, looking hot as fukk, and that should do the trick, I think!” And is then promptly captured. I can just imagine that while Luke prattles on, Leia’s already hunting around for her bounty hunter helmet, like, “Sounds great, awful plan, that should work.”

Luke completes his arc to become a Jedi master off-screen, not too long before the movie starts, and this is unironically my least favorite thing about the original trilogy, I think? The first half of “Jedi” is a character death retcon because Harrison Ford conceded to signing on to the movie at the eleventh hour. So we do THAT instead of any actual character growth for anybody onscreen.

Honestly, the first half is perfectly fun, I like this movie a lot, but it’s function within the original trilogy is very much like a season finale rather than the third act of a larger narrative. And there’s something kinda cool about that, too! I like that the Star Wars saga proper is sometimes more interested in creating a fun two hours than getting so hung up on structure that it gets bogged down by all the plates it has spinning. For better, and/or worse, the OT closes having strayed not too far from its inspirations’ roots: a silver-screen take on the campy sci-fi television serials that entertained audiences decades prior.

I just wish this one was as gay as THOSE could be sometimes, holy shit, that’d’a been fun!

#movie review #star wars #return of the jedi #luke skywalker #darth vader #palpatine #star wars yoda #are is gay? #got too sincere #sorry bout that #i crave death #homoerotic kerfuffle

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Batman & Robin — 2/10

Considering this one was the one that got labeled as “the gay one”, there’s really not anything here that “Batman Forever” didn’t do much, much gayer. Even the Batnipples seemed more fun last time.

If George Clooney is playing Batman as gay, it certainly doesn’t amount to much onscreen. He is equally charming with, and utterly disinterested in, everybody around him. Which is kinda rough, considering Clooney’s whole thing is universal chemistry, right? I mean, he’s not even my type, but he could flirt with a lamp, and I’d still be like, “Why aren’t you responding to George??? Tell him you love him, you ungrateful bulb-socket, you absolute appliance of mediocrity! You tell George Clooney he is beautiful, dammit!”

Poison Ivy and Mr. Freeze are the ne’er-do-wells for this outing and gone, on principle, is the homoerotic tension that pervaded ‘Batman Forever’, and that’s obviously a major loss in the homoerotic department. And, I mean, the cold guy and the plant lady team up? Really? They’re diametrically opposed. They’re the complete opposites of each other. They are heterogeneous, heterochromatic, and heterosexual for each other. Thus, I am disappointed.

But there is one shining ray of gay sunlight, shimmering through the rainbow-drenched rubber and leather — Uma Thurman’s Poison Ivy, who frankly has breathtaking sexual tension with every last blade of grass at her feet (which I figure is kinda the idea). And yet, the person whom she has just the spiciest chemistry with is... the camera lens, capturing her every dancing step, her every unhelpfully and needlessly Shakespearean word. That is the true love at the center of this piece, and yes it fucking counts, this movie is a particularly long 2-hours-and-change and Uma Thurman made that time feel more rewarding than it truly was. 2 points awarded for being the one cast member who Brought It so hard that she could perform with, to, and for only herself, and it worked like a charm. Good for her.

Also, as was brought up last time with “Forever”, absolutely nothing about Chris O’Donnell’s Robin counts as homoerotic, he is very obviously a het in tights and an earring. Give him a hot boyfriend, and maybe that’ll make me wet, but until then, no points.

#movie review #batman #batman and robin #so no gay??? #george clooney #uma thurman #arnold schwarzenegger #poison ivy #mr freeze #i crave death #homoerotic kerfuffle

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Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back — 7/10

I MEAN.

Lando has erotic chemistry with anyone he can flash that charming smile at. But does betraying some of your oldest and best friends to the fascist empire actively colonizing the galaxy you all call home count as ‘kerfuffles’ or ‘shenanigans’? Or, even... ‘antics’?

Everyone talks about Han and Leia’s relationship in this one, and I get it. But I think the secret, largely unfocused upon homoerotic ship in this franchise is absolutely Han and Chewie. Perhaps they have a fling at some point during the OT, but they definitely have history together. A hot, complicated, passionate history, the love of it beautiful, and the ending of it painful, all at once — for Chewie. Not so much for Han, I’d wager. You KNOW Chewie was the more gracious partner and the one who had to let go of the most when their relationship turned platonic. And he has stayed strong all this time, and now he chooses to support his one true love as Han explores his feelings for Princess Leia, whom Chewie admires without letting any jealousy stain the relationship. There is, I believe, a love story to Chewbacca, both bitter and sweet, painful and beautiful, and you can hear every last bit of it in his Wookie growl.

Also, Leia is bi. No evidence really, just a head cannon and a gut feeling.

It’s not exactly homoerotic but... does... does anyone else get a vibe? From Yoda? Just me?

Okay. We return to our resident twink. But unfortunately, Luke just doesn’t really have anyone to bounce any homoerotic feelings off of. There is Yoda (maybeeee??? I get a vibe, is all I’m sayin’), but he really takes on this wizened mentor role for Luke, and despite the memes, it doesn’t really play all that sexually on screen. So Luke remains single, under-prepared, unable to do basic arithmetic in his head, and just pretty enough that it all shakes out just fine in the e— oh, nope, that was his hand. Huh. Well, uh, at least he won’t have to sit on it before jerking off anymore, right?

#movie review #star wars #the empire strikes back #luke skywalker #lando calrissian #han solo #chewbacca #star wars yoda #are is gay? #yee #i crave death #homoerotic kerfuffle

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Zack Snyder’s Justice League — 0/10

I’m... I’m sorry, there’s 4 hours of runtime, and none of them make out together? NONE? Not even a smoldering look between bros, or a lingering shoulder pat between gal pals?

Let me tell you, I am shook, I am befuddled, I am confounded, I am bewildered, I am flabbergasted, and I am dis-a-ppoin-ted. In BvS, every main and secondary character was CONSTANTLY undressing each other with their eyes ALL the time. But here it isn’t so. What’s the point of having five crime-fighting men at the forefront of your four-hour film, if they don’t express a little bit o’ gay for each other at some point?Add to that the loss of the chonky Batsuit, and now I’m not sure how I’m going to cope with all of this. (We only got chonky Batman for one (1) movie. I’m so sad, the gays took a real loss with this one, y’all.)

#movie review #zack snyder’s justice league #the snyderverse #4 hours #bro #so no gay??? #beleaguered sigh #lol see what i did there? #i crave death #homoerotic kerfuffle

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Star Wars: A New Hope — 6/10

Luke is a gay twink, who’s just a little bit of a dumbass, and I love him.

Luke is very clearly a Driving Gay, and is absolutely not a Cooking Gay or a Math Gay. And it’s great that this fact is consistent throughout the entire saga.

Wait are you supposed to pick one out of three, or two?Shit...

#movie review #star wars #luke skywalker #gay twink #can drive #cannot math #i crave death #homoerotic kerfuffle

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BioShock — 4/10

Not a large quantity of homoerotic stuff here, really at all, tbh. But this dude with an Irish accent DOES at one point demand that you “wrestle with a Big Daddy”, so. Points awarded, begrudgingly and with the understanding that I will be going to hell for this one.

Also anti-fascism is pretty gay, and in BioShock, even sometimes kerfuffle-y, so one extra point.

#video game review #bioshock #big daddy #i already regret posting this #splice up them GENES baaaaby #i crave death #extra this time #homoerotic kerfuffle

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Gotham (2014-2019) — 13/10

You’d have an easier time counting the straights on this show.

Every character has hot, steamy chemistry with everyone, and they are all here for it, and WE’RE all here for it. Don’t even TRY telling me different. This is ALL homoerotic, ALL kerfuffle, ALL the goddam time, baaaby.

Sidebar: I can’t fucking believe that the guy who made The Mentalist (you know, that show your mom watched a decade ago?) just got up one day, pitched some Batman prequel fanfic for a new show (“No Batman and everyone is constantly flirting with each other, sound good?”, and the network that RUNS FOX NEWS was like, “Sounds hot, we’re in”, and tHEN IT RAN FOR FIVE FUCKING YEARS. Like, what.

#tv review #Batman #gotham #jim gordon #the penguin #the riddler #gay as hell #why are you booing me im right #i crave death #homoerotic kerfuffle

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Sherlock — 0/10

No. Stop that. Down— STOP. Down. Bad boy.

This is just cruel, this one. Just mean. This... whatever it is between Sherlock and Watson. There is a world of difference between homoerotic teasing and heterosexual buffoonery. This, tragically, is the latter. And I will not sanction this heterosexual buffoonery, no sir.

May the love they ought to have had live on in wet, sloppy slashfics.

Down, boy! Stop it. You can’t play nice, then you can’t play at all, how’s that?

#tv review #sherlock #queerbaiting #will I regret #wading into this fandom #for a stupid joke review? #maybe so #I already regret waking up today #so what’s one more oopsie for the day #i crave death #homoerotic kerfuffle

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Batman Forever — 7/10

I though I was so sure about this one. For all it’s grandeur, straight as a two-by-four, right? Right? But, upon reflection, I... I must concede to the undeniable homo-kerfuffle-y truth.

You know - you KNOW - late one night, after an evening of particularly successful mind-power-stealing, that the swole-brained Riddler and Two-Face let their guards down and allowed a little bit of healing to begin. No much, of course, and probably they did no more than cuddle. But you know they did. You KNOW it.

This realization has brought me only pain and regret. I am sorry.

(Also, NO points for Chris O’Donnell as Robin. Yes, despite the earring, despite all of it. You can’t just stick a straight otter in tights and make him do exaggerated acrobatics and aggressive wet laundry, and expect the gays to award you pity points! We aren’t QUITE that easy, you know.)

#movie review #batman #batman forever #the riddler #two face #I think we’re alone now #i crave death #homoerotic kerfuffle