judethebrood

[judethebrood]

No title

Pupils dilated, cheeks flushed, and the air is thick with smoke. Wiping off bands of sweat as I turn over to borrow the view from the window. Hot wind moving through trees, and the sky is changing colors as fast as I’m rolling. Thumbs sliding over paper against palms; light it through the window screen so the detectors don’t go off. I laugh at nothing sometimes.Sometimes, it’s everything. I don’t remember when I’m high…Unless I do. Then it’s worse. The late August air is choking me out, more than the smoke. Outside only looks nice before I go out there, and then the day is over, and the illusion is ruined. Every time, without a catch. I should walk it off, ironically. I’m not an outdoor person. I’m not really a person at all. More less, something gaining way and losing faith. Something distraught and selfish, and so fucking high right now. Something like that cig between your teeth; sharpie caps and ice baths. Something prolonged and exhausted.Something trying to be more of this or that, without the inner monologue. Something passive, and infinite, but distracted. Leaving a brand against the earth; like a grave in my backyard.Like the trail from my casket, drug along until it was laid in the ground. Cicadas singing back at the wire birds, and the air feels like childhood.It feels warm, and heavy, and buzzing with every word I’ve never told you. Tobacco and marijuana mix, aimlessly; I think there’s a barbeque somewhere.And maybe somewhere, you’re meeting me for the first time. Across years that belong to the stars. Across the street, before the light turns green. Opposite crowds. I caught you for only a moment, and just as fast, you were gone. Just like the smoke.

#Poetry #EMOTIONAL DAMAGE LMFAO #relationship #We are more complex than any label #The last 6 something months

[judethebrood]

More than friends.

Months move by like minutes, and I’m still here like it’s that night. I’m distant, but all over you, keeping my mind unsaid, but skin to skin. Head in hands, again and again, sleepless, no solutions. I’d kiss you a thousand times before I ever tell you what I went through. What I’m going through. Transformation… Occupied mind,mushroom clouds with silver lines, soured brain. You can’t even look at me without hating yourself, and I keep loving you. Biting back the tongue that’s wanted to taste you, and tell you, for so long, we’re such children, like that. I’d wake up to you forever, but I’d never let you see me cry like he did. I’d never let you inside in your arms, only on your knees. Feel sick with Summer air and October flu. Go swimming just to drown myself. Distract from the way the sky is falling, violently. My thighs are a catalyst for all the tension. Release me with regret and aggression. scars bleeding and you can’t even see me. You’re somewhere, wasted, at a party, and I’m dying in the bathroom. I come back when I’m ready to sleep it off, but I don’t sleep without you, so It’s never ending. Bedrooms humming with stale air and I’m just sweating it out; the fever you gave me. I’m losing my shit, and you lost it a long time ago, yet your discomfort is more comfortable than losing it alone. I might be open when you’re extra closed off, maybe to show you what you could be doing, or maybe because I’m selfish. Maybe I want your attention because it’s the healthiest thing I’ve experienced in the last six months. Maybe you are.

#Poetry #Processing trauma #Relationships #Situaionship #Breakup #More than friends #More than our label #I have so many things to express #Feelings run deeper than friends #Or partners #We're just people #I've grown

[judethebrood]

PT 2/2

"He'd be able to feel my resentment through the phone". Passport. Camping. Punk rock ≠ Paramore. Cousins. Film school. "No time to live." Kill bill. Fish with human teeth. New charger. Disneyland. Off the grid. The village. Deviltown. Safe and sound. I bet on losing dogs. Samsung phone. Wicked. Downtown. Catsitting. Haircut. Drag show. Mine museum. Walgreens. Public pool. The Office. Birthdays. Adulting. X box. Stove guy. Sushi nap. July 3rd. Summer Moon wood-roasted coffee. Centaur world. "Getting tanned". Backyard Campout. Brunch. Drinking game. Walking dead. Dish mountain. Nana drop-off. Free time. Juice. Blue or pink. Prince edward and Vancouver island. Shitty Last resort. Purple lettuce. Mystery sushi. Mathew Lillard. Bathtub donkeys. Pear. Juniper street. Lucy and Chubs. Nox. Weed Mt. Dew. 8 hour hell. Union lady. Midol. Sit in the river. Saskatchewan. First concert. Eczema. Michael fassenbender & James McAvoy. 6 ft. Pool. Lilies. Trans guy names. Montreal. Among Us. Strawberry Brisk. 2 Max's. Latin baked goods. Helluva boss. Kickback. First high. Good omens season 2. Banana. Interview. Milo. New job. Dominica's truck. Tucker. California McDonald's. Tigger. Air B&B. Mail the headphones. Airplane. New bosses. Maxine. Halloween planning. Mew refrigerator. Stress sickness. Protests. Dos equi and cheap champagne. Stray Kids. Centipede thingys. Acclimate. Quitting jobs. One year anniversary.

I kept track of all of the little things since we first started our relationship and I compiled them here because I wanted to always remember them and let you know how important everything I've ever done with you is to me. I love you Sig.

Happy anniversary <3

[judethebrood]

PT 1/2~~

Violet. Grilled cheese. Frog hat. Weather. Papillon. P.T.V. Stardust. Insomnia. Horse & fish. River. Thor. Costumer service. Hairdye. Backyardigans. French Music. Weed guy. Emo poser. Tiddies. Art school. Dogsitting. Vomit. "The water tastes like rocks". Depression messes. Cranberry and turkey sandwich. Jealousyyy. Alèjandro. Bat pin. Bus stop. Rocks. Wildfire. Walls. Thorns. " Only it would never work out". Stars. "Cherry love bomb". Monster Ultra Red. Boba. Death's head moth. Bedroom door. Dagger?? Teal boots. Hugs. King for a day. Veggies. Minifridge. Mullet. Amber. Telephone lines. Super freeze. Haunted. Vamps. " Like...4 albums". Fishnets. Theatre kid. Lipstick for 3.5 hours. Welcome to the internet. Jude law. Binder hell. Septum. Swimming. Mutual hate. Penguins have teeth. Grunge is emo. Summer house. MCRX. 4:53:42:19. Headfirst. Second wind. Goat. Crop top. Comicon. Scars. Woodpecker. T. Eyebrows. Moo. Prom. Slush. Canadian brownies. January 20th. "Like 5 concerts". September. California. Leeches. German shepherds. Adam & Loki. Shower. Layer up. Asthma. " My ribs just hate me". Paper basket. Toonie. Seperation. Trophy father's trophy son. July 25th. Purple shades. Space hoodie. " Body type is a scam". Pickle jar. Sander's sides. Heather. "Where are yoouuu? ". Bathtub. Bird island. March snow. Tattoos. 2 a.m. " Mail you a hot dog". String lights. Scythe. Red marker. Apple music. Art school. Clown car style. Cowboy. "Well, that was racist". Aspen or Ash. Licence plate shirt. Bird skull. Vulturing?? "Are parties fun?". "We're the same fucking person". Streetlights. Yuzu. Halloween. Haribo sour snakes. Knapweeds. September 22nd. iPhone. Lollipop. Nosebleeds. Tigertail. Chocy milk. Trout. Burrito. Trailer park. Brown. Snackies. Trail. Passport. Lesbian-Trans pipeline. Brendan Rogers. Miraculous. ICP. House. W33d. Default Carmel. Shane SMH. Peanut allergy. Lofi. Roleplay. Dermatologist. Southern accent??? "That's the autism". Blue hair. Dahlias. "K-pop in the kitchen". Filters. beans. Internet tsk tsk tsk. Fishing. Toque. Thrifting. Clay. Barbed wire tatts. Caffeine. Magnus archives. This is home. Markiplier. Twix. Streetlights. Chocolate rum. Pugs. Maple ice. X box. 5 am. Rattlesnakes. Gee. Clown. Red hoodie. Showers. Hair bleach. The till. Alexa. Me-crow-avé. " tHeRe'S A BeE??" Trash bears. Cartman. The bus. Bleeding hearts. Sushi. TØP. Aussi lemonade. Pencil case. Nymeria. Ouisau. Paper stars. Bucket hat. Closing shift. Cards against Humanity. Finals. Mt. Dew. Psoriasis. Poodle. Handyman. Little Italian Grandma. Dead horse. Mr.Clean. Hank. "Is that the Anti-Christ??". SunChips. Sewing. Mugs. "We have the meats". Aquarium. Grocery store sushi. IT chapter 2. Wallet. "You can't murder him, he's my ride tomorrow". Bloodwork alone. Doctor's note. Till. Vegan restaurant. Mango. Sleepover again. rose gold headphones. Annual Tuesday sale. Chocolate crossiant. Ukulele. August. Chicago. Baseball babysitting. Selfie spill. Photogenic. The sixth sense.

#transgender #very gay #T4T #memories #pride #My favorite person #gay shit #queer #Memories #A year out #anniversary #happy anniversary my dear #love #111 #Long distance trauma LOL

[judethebrood]

[judethebrood]

When Paris said "If we had a daughter, I'd watch and could not save her. The emotional torture, from the head of your high table. She'd do what you taught her, she'd meet the same cruel fate".

When Hozier said "When my time comes around, lay me gently in the cold dark earth. No grave can hold my body down. I'll crawl home to her".

When Florence said "Then bow your head in the house of God. Little girl, who do you think you are? You think you need it, you think you want love. You wouldn't want it if you knew what it was".

When Lana said "Is it me, was I wrong to have trusted you? Did I see what I wanted, what wasn't true? Was I wrong to go on like a little fool? It's amazing what women in love will do".

When Marina said "Started in the strangest way. Didn't see it coming, swept up in your hurricane. Wouldn't give it up for nothing. Now I'm all caught up in the highs and the lows. It's a shock to my system. I don't wanna run away so I stay. My head gets messy when I try to hide the things I love about you in my mind. I don't really know a lot about love".

When Morrisey said "And if a double-decker bus crashes into us, to die by your side is such a heavenly way to die. And if a ten ton truck kills the both of us, to die by your side, well, the pleasure, the privilege is mine".

When Stevie and Lindsey said "Love somebody save their soul. Tie them to your heaven erase their hell. Love their lifestyle if you feel it. Don't try to change them you never will. Sunflowers and your face fascinate me. You go into the dusty pink day. I come a calling unto you, but you run. You're the winner. Long distance winner. You're the winner. Long distance winner".

When Kate said "And if I only could, I'd make a deal with God, and I'd get him to swap our places. Be runnin' up that road. Be runnin' up that hill. Be runnin' up that building. Say, if I only could".

When Joni said "The last time I saw Richard was Detroit in 68. And he told me, "All romantics meet the same fate. Some day, cynical and drunk and boring. Someone in some dark cafe" "You laugh", he said, "You think you're immune? Go look at your eyes, they're full of moon. You like roses and kisses and pretty men to tell you all those pretty lies, pretty lies. When you gonna realise they're only pretty lies? Only pretty lies, just pretty lies".

When Bob said "She said, "Where ya been?" I said, "No place special" She said, "You look different." I said, "Well, I guess" She said, "You been gone." I said, "That's only natural" She said, "You gonna stay?" I said, "If you want me to, yes".

When Mitski said "You're growing tired of me. You love me so hard and I still can't sleep. You're growing tired of me, and all the things I don't talk about. Sorry, I don't want your touch. It's not that I don't want you. Sorry, I can't take your touch. It's just that I fell in love with a war. Nobody told me it ended. And it left a pearl in my head, and I roll it around every night. Just to watch it glow. Every night, baby, that's where I go".

When Glass animals said "Bye bye baby blue. I wish you could see the wicked truth. Caught up in a rush, it's killing you. Screaming at the sun, you blow into. Curled up in a grip when we were us. Fingers in a fist like you might run. I settle for a ghost I never knew. Superparadise I held on to, but I settle for a ghost".

When the Killers said "They say the devil's water, it ain't so sweet. You don't have to drink right now, but you can dip your feet, every once in a little while. You sit there in your heartache, waiting on some beautiful boy to. To save you from your old ways. You play forgiveness. Watch it now, here he comes. He doesn't look a thing like Jesus, but he talks like a gentlemen, like you imagined when you were young. When you were young".

When Radiohead said "You are the sun and moon and stars are you. And I could never run away from you. You try at working out chaotic things. And why should I believe myself, not you? It's like the world is gonna end so soon. And why should I believe myself? You, me and everything, caught in the fire. I can see me drowning, caught in the fire. You, me and everything, caught in the fireI can see me drowning, caught in the fire".

Yeah. That.

#Song lyrics #Song quotes #Fav bands #Fav singers #Paris paloma #Hozier #Florence + the machine #Lana del rey #Marina and the diamonds #The smiths #Fleetwood mac #Kate bush #Joni mitchell #Bob dylan #Mitski #Glass animals #The killers #Raidohead #Music #music is my life

[judethebrood]

Shoegaze music

And sunsets over a really shitty street and converse with rocks in them and weed and a messy bedroom and fruity energy drinks and orangey street lights and a food you used to love and stray cats and an empty field next to something industrial and making out near the fence when it's cold out and driving over the highway in the early mornings and cold blue lights and 2 am cereal and showering in peace and melting in the summer like a popsicle with the window open as the sun pours onto the floor and your favorite jacket and eyeliner and overthinking and not thinking at all

#Shoegaze #Alternative #Grunge #Rock #Emo #90s #Shoegaze aesthetic #Grunge aesthetic #Caffeine #Urban bs #Photography #Being gay #Music #I don't think I'm teenagering how a teenager is supposes to teenager #But this music sure does help lol #Idk if anyone else is gonna understand #But that's okay #That's the beauty of it #Music is my life

[judethebrood]

Here's a small compilation of photos I took that I really like:P

#photography #Sunset #Urban #Suburban #Streetlights #Queer artist #Those orange lights I'm always writing about #Photos taken this year #nature #Art #Phone camera #Lol #Nighttime photos #Daytime photos #Photography aesthetic

[judethebrood]

To be a man, you don’t need to:

• bind your chest

• wear masculine clothes

• have short hair

• have a penis

BUT, you must be:

• swift as a coursing river

• with all the force of a great typhoon

• with all the strength of a raging fire

• mysterious as the dark side of the Moon

[judethebrood]

I take people very literally. So when you say you have "your own little corner of the internet" what shape does that make it?

No seriously..

#So many people have said this #But does it make sense to call it a corner if it's not? #Why not just “my space” “my little pocket” or something?? #BECAUSE NOW I NEED TO KNOW WHAT SHAPE YOU GUYS THINK IT IS. #Or is it just another realm/dimension? #What shape do ya'll think it is? #Unless I'm crazy and even if you don't take it literally #You can't tell me it doesn't sound weird lol

[judethebrood]

The current (4. 22. 23)

No, it doesn't hurt. It just stings like hell. It spills and fills the cavity where my heart was, before you stole it, with hot water. It bends but never cracks. Bruises but never bleeds. It's a chill swim in the pool I just cleaned. But it's also the clogged drain in my decade old shower I constantly snake the ick out of so it functions. So the showers are warm and the bath doesn't fall through the floor. So it's not a flood, but a rainstorm. A drizzle not a hurricane. The dam, not the lake. Unless I lose your attention and the water runs cold. Unless I keep that one thing you said a month ago over the drain so long it accidentally overflows. Until I try to wash my face with my bloody, battered hands, then I collapse into the water and sink without telling you where I went. Still, lightless, gripping my wrists, I'm caught before I hit the bed. You pull me back to shore and wipe my cheeks with your hands and kiss my face as you carry me land. The current goes two ways, but I'll let either take me because you're the water. Strong, but delicately folding over itself when I smile. I hate to admit that you think I'm pretty. But in reality I'm just a floundering idiot, and you're the whole entire ocean, a flourish. Like I'm the empty sky and you're the stars that fill my head and heart in millions of different colors. kaleidoscoping to my eyes. You can't stare into the sun, and I can't help but stare into you as I float, yet you're so much brighter. Maybe let myself down while I swim, so you can pick me up. Just wade around until I slip and trust you'll catch me. Maybe hold my breath as you surround and wash over. Maybe swim with you just to drown a little. Maybe let the dam break and flood everything. Maybe hope for torrential downpours instead of that little rainstorm. Maybe hope to get swept away by the current and never return. In other words, wholly accept and adore the tide, be it high or low, elope with the waves, marry the ocean. Follow the current forever, or just let it take me, to the ends of the Earth. Drown in the sea, because you know I'd love to.

@statement-of-anonymous-ghost

#poerty #love poetry #writers on tumblr #If you are the ocean I would love to drown #Gay poetry #gay #pride #Happy anniversary my dear #7 months

[judethebrood]

happy Thursday the 20th

[judethebrood]

To love you the way I do~

Loving someone in the open is never a confession of likeability. It's a declaration of faith, and it's as heavy as your head, but as soft as their hands. Deep as your scars, but as wide as their eyes in the sun. As hot as your pillow on a bad night, but as warm as their song on a good one. As hard as the ground you fall to every day, but as gentle as their summer skin. And it's brutal and it's loud, but god, it's beautiful.

Seasons change with duty, and violence, and none can be tamed. No matter how they change, in love, you never waver. It's not that you want them to change, nor that you don't care if they do, but that you adore them no matter what they are. Be that a beast or a flower. The sea or the fire. The storm or the wind. The bloody pavement or the cool walls around me. And it's temperamental, but it's tender. And he's bright and soft in my eyes. My eyes, traumatized and sacred from witnessing him as he is. And when my name leaves his lips the world is quiet, but my heart is so loud. Love is fickle, but it's kind. Love is rough, but it's defined. Love is you inside my thoughts when you're gone. I will never forget, my love, so take your time.

#Love poetry #romance #gay #gay poetry #pride #love of my life #beautiful boy #Words for my lovely person

[judethebrood]

"If you crush a cockroach, you're a hero. If you crush a beautiful butterfly, you're a villain. Morals have aesthetic criteria."

-Nietzsche

#I love writers #I love poets #I love books #I love literature #I love words #I love pretty thoughts and ideas like this #I don't care if it's a pill bug little guy is going down #I am so scared of bugs omfg ahsbahba

[judethebrood]

Florence Welch. That's the post.

#florence + the machine #Florence welch #dance fever #how big how blue how beautiful #Lungs #Ceremonials #High as hope #wish that you were here #King #girl with one eye #lover to lover #what the water gave me #daffodil #Cassandra #Delilah #dog days are over #prayer factory #dream girl evil #spectrum #no light no light #7 devils #my boy builds coffins #big god #All this and heaven too #back in town #Girls against god #howl #Kiss with a fist #morning elvis #Queen of peace

[judethebrood]

Happy Trans Day of Visibility<3

I wrote a poem about being trans (and dealing with who your parents/family want you to be. And growing up and as your own person. Might be a little specific on the trauma idk sorry)

But I hope others can relate to it. I also made several versions to be inclusive of different genders, one for trans men/masc people, one for trans women/fem people, and one for nonbinary/gender fluid/nonconforming people.

I hope this might help you feel less alone.

You are you. You are beautiful. And you are valid.

Be proud of yourself and happy Trans day of Visiblity

I love you:)

(For the trans men/mascs out there).

You wanna be treated like an adult? Act like it. "Stop trying to grow up." Well I already did So much time for you to become "yourself" But only on your own, when you move out. When I don't give you that roof over your head, When I don't clothe you and keep you fed, When I don't teach you how to speak to me, Give you a bed When I don't teach you about the ways of men. Men who you will never become. You are only my daughter, Stop pretending, begging me to call you son. It's never him, never boy, never man. Never simply child, person, human, kid Fit the boxes and clothes and bathrooms I put you in You can't decide who you are, Your genitals already did. You'll never get far like that You were so much prettier, better the way you had been But even as a girl, you're just a stupid, spoiled little kid No making a name for yourself, unless you don't want to come back. I'll never understand why you have such little respect for me and your dad. "I put you here so I can take you out" I'm well aware, mother, but age was never what this was about Today is my day to be seen, heard,and out I'm not invisible. I'm beautiful, I'm me, and I'm proud<3

(For the trans women/fems out there)

You wanna be treated like an adult? Act like it. "Stop trying to grow up." Well I already did So much time for you to become "yourself" But only on your own, when you move out. When I don't give you that roof over your head, When I don't clothe you and keep you fed, When I don't teach you how to speak to me, Give you a bed When I don't teach you about the ways of women. Women who you will never become. You are not my daughter Stop pretending, begging me to stop calling you son It's never her, never girl, never woman Never simply child, person, human, kid Fit the boxes and clothes and bathrooms I put you in You can't decide who you are, Your genitals already did. You'll never get far like that You were so much more handsome, better the way you had been But even as a boy, you're just a stupid, spoiled little kid No making a name for yourself, unless you don't want to come back. I'll never understand why you have such little respect for me and your dad. "I put you here so I can take you out" I'm well aware, mother, but age was never what this was about Today is my day to be seen, heard, and out I'm not invisible. I'm beautiful, I'm me, and I'm proud<3

(For the nonbinary/genderfluid/gender nonconfirming people out there)

You wanna be treated like an adult? Act like it. "Stop trying to grow up." Well I already did So much time for you to become "yourself" But only on your own, when you move out. When I don't give you that roof over your head, When I don't clothe you and keep you fed, When I don't teach you how to speak to me, Give you a bed When I don't teach you about the ways of women and men People who you will never become. You are only the gender we decided on Stop pretending, begging me to call you someone It's always him, boy, man, her, girl, woman Never simply child, person, human, kid Fit the boxes and clothes and bathrooms I put you in You can't decide who you are, Your genitals already did. You'll never get far like that You were so much better the way you had been But even as a girl or boy, you're just a stupid, spoiled little kid No making a name for yourself, unless you don't want to come back. I'll never understand why you have such little respect for me and your dad. "I put you here so I can take you out" I'm well aware, mother, but age was never what this was about Today is my day to be seen, heard,and out I'm not invisible. I'm beautiful, I'm me, and I'm proud<3

#Trans pride #transgender day of visibility #trans #trans umbrella #Trans women #Trans men #Trans masc #Trans fem #Nonbinary #Gender fluid #Gender nonconforming #Gender neutral #You are valid #Pride #I hope you can relate #at least in some ways #I love you all #LGBTQIA+ #Gender queer #Queer #trans community

[judethebrood]

There will never be closure

The moment they disrespected me, that was it.

That was the end.

You pushed me beyond my limits

You crossed every line, broke every boundary.

You make sure I know I'm not enough for you and I never will be.

You put in the "effort" when it means you dont have to do the hardest parts yourself.

You only love me when you're in a good mood.

Youre never in a good mood if I need someone,

Or need help, or if I need to talk or need time alone.

Youre only happy if I let you be.

I am in control of the climate of our home

I can tell the difference between when he's angry and when he's calm just by his footsteps.

Why can I do that?

I can tell youve never seen me as a person, but as a means to an end. But I don't know what you're trying to end when you create your own world yourself.

Im not allowed to want things.

Needing anything is out of the question.

Im not allowed to be tired, or have a bad day, or feel anything you don't see yourself in.

And you dont want us to be happy, but you don't want to hear it when we cry.

You don't want to tell me you love me as I am because

Then you'd be lying.

You always told us not to lie.

But now that's the one thing I'm good at besides hating me the way you do.

Im done setting boundaries and telling you im tired

Because it's none of your business.

Why does that matter if you don't care?

Now I can do anything you want, knowing I was never the problem like you raised me to believe.

Now I can stop pretending to be happy.

Now i can stop talking to you if I want.

And I want to see the look on your face when you try and argue me, scream your head off because im being ungrateful for the roof you decided to put over my head 2 decades ago.

That im being selfish because you gave us everything.

Why is that my fault?

How is that possible?

It's not

And I'm done pretending it is

Im done pretending to be who I'm not because you don't like me.

Nobody has to like me, or love me.

And nobody has to like or love you.

And i can decide what I feel for myself.

And I feel you are a waste of my time.

The closure was the disrespect.

The closure was when you denied me love because I became something you don't like.

The closure was telling me I'll never be enough.

The closure was telling me I took away your happiness.

Well, you took away mine

And I can always get it back

Just not from you

I have a family

And you're not in it

#trauma #Emotional abuse #meltdown #childhood trauma #Parental neglect #manipulation #gaslighting #self hate #sh #depression #mental illness #house but no home #found family