little-lit-heathen-blog

[little-lit-heathen-blog]

                               “My one, when all is said and done          You’ll believe God is a woman”

Cultural/Artistical references in GIW music video.                        

[little-lit-heathen-blog]

Warning- genuinely confused bisexual present

Sooo uhh I'm confused cuz I just saw a post on Instagram saying bisexuals can't use "butch" or "femme" because these terms specifically belong to lesbians.... I need the reason for this explained to me?

#bisexual #gay #lgbt #question #confused bisexual #what do you call a masculine presenting bisexual woman #asking for me #lesbian #lgbtqa #butch #femme #help me #sos #please dont bully me for being confused #i tried to google #i have anxiety #please don't make me cry like you did last time tumblr

[little-lit-heathen-blog]

Progress!

Guys I have been so fricken happy lately so of course I had to nitpick it so I'd be prepared when it all comes crashing back down. And I settled on if I'm so happy lately it must be because I've been selfish and ignoring my partner's needs and there is no way he is as happy with me as I am with him so I should just isolate myself for a week so I'm prepared when he inevitably tells me he wants to break up. Instead of continuing that thought pattern and following through, I tried to think of a healthier way of coping. And settled on just texting him out of the blue to ask if he's still happy. Hit him out of left field, he was like wtf of course why would you ask!? And we had a good talk and I'm still happy and it still hasn't come crashing down and maybe someday I won't hate myself because I don't function like a "normal" person...

#actually borderline #bpd problems #ptsd recovery #complex ptsd #surviving trauma #recovery #progress #mental health #mental wellness #distorted thinking #mindfulness #dbt skills #fear of abandonment #abandonment issues #commitment

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Life Update 6/13/18

Mentally

It's been a few weeks (6 or more?) since I felt the urge to self harm

Been feeling on the up and up with the sun coming out and all I've been outside alot

Have been a little moody with my pms

I am scared to really admit and properly enjoy how happy I've been lately. Always afraid the moment I relax it will fall apart.

Physically

No idea how much I weigh atm, probably not as much as I want

I know I've gained thigh and butt muscle though from delivering patient trays at work (40hrs a week going up and down stairs)

Started doing push ups every 2-3 days

I think it's helping?

Work

Love working with patients

Trying to transfer into a different department though

Management in the kitchen sucks, I'm tired of the work environment they create

Probably gonna go to classes to get certified in something in the medical field.

Definitely love working at the hospital (benefits are great, most of the people I meet are great)

Romance

Finally admitting to myself that I love my Leprechaun and he loves me and does his best to show he means it.

We made us official again over my birthday weekend.

This time around most of my anxiety that he is going to cheat on me and I must always be prepared for that inevitable has disappeared.

I had to admit that I have communication issues too that I've really been working on. Just yesterday I was able to calmly tell him that one small comment he made had grown in my mind to mean something catastrophic. And he patiently reassured me and now I feel better. That was a huge step for me.

July 4th it will officially be 1 year since we first said "I love you" I'm really happy he lets us go at my pace. Slow and easy.

Parenting

Rowen amazes me every day, both in good ways and in ways that make me face palm

His biggest thing we are working on is focus. Otherwise not much my little man doesn't handle like a champ.

He is smart, funny, caring and independent. Everything I hope for him.

Might need to figure something out with his dad whether it's court ordered visits or just child support. No kid deserves a "one in a while" parent.

Overall as we head into summer I feel I'm doing good. I have alot of plans to accomplish before my winter blues hit, but this year the goal is to be prepared to be miserable for a season 🖒

#actually borderline #personal update #mental illness #BPD #PTSD #SAD #GAD

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How can I kill myself knowing my mind can create such masterpieces? 💫💕💨💚

#gif #actually borderline #actually suicidal #coping #artist #art #masterpiece #mental health #sarcasm? #humor? #i don't know when i'm joking anymore #whatever keeps me alive #life has actually been ok lately #in fact i'm having anxiety #because #i'm too happy #spring fever #self medication #weed #dinosaur #velociraptor #social media monster

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i’ve been doing good on keeping my shit together lately, but the effort i put into seeming neurotypical is absurd and tiring. i feel like a really toxic person sometimes. it’s not anybody’s fault and i don’t wanna hurt anyone, so i try to keep quiet. but it still hurts. i just wanna be good to people for once. and i wanna be ok with myself. that’s it, you know? be good to people and myself. 

#familiar feeling #i can have empathy for myself or others but not both #actually bpd #actually borderline #borderline problems

[little-lit-heathen-blog]

a bpd comic about the fear of ‘getting better’

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the drawings on this one are really shit, but I’m tired and I have school… please be nice I’m super self conscious lmao

so uh yeah, another BPD/my feelings comic. ok to reblog for anyone, whether you can relate or just find it pretty.

[little-lit-heathen-blog]

Self Reflection 4/16

Its been about 3 months since I had my last big break down and made some major changes to try and get back on track. I've had mixed results.

Started therapy, found the skills & reading helpful, I don't like my therapist himself though. I didn't find him helpful so this week I skipped my appointment and decided to stop going.

I've done alot of reading about being borderline, being raised by a borderline parent, and being in an abusive relationship with a borderline; I've found my reading to be mostly eye opening though it does get disheartening feeling like I could be the same as my abusers.

I was working on practicing DBT skills from my workbook and doing good but this past week was rough mentally and I ended up having a breakdown complete with suicidal thoughts, alternating between sobbing and numbness, and I self harmed. As usual I feel intense guilt afterwards for making mistakes I know better than to do. But some days my mind is not strong enough to conquer matter. Maybe if I keep trying I will someday build up the strength to stay balanced for longer than a few months.

I've really been working on communicating with people and building healthy relationships. I feel like I've made alot of progress on this front, even when everything inside me is screaming isolate yourself and abandon them before they abandon you, I've made efforts to voice my needs, ask for help, and generally reach out to people I miss.

My FP has been amazing. I split on him, push him away, send mixed signals, and then smother him in affection like I didn't have 12 drastic mood swings in 36 hours. He really has no prior knowledge of mental health issues but he is putting alot of effort into being there for me and supporting me even though he doesn't necessarily understand my illness. He doesn't understand why I do what I do or how I think, but he maintains that he wants to have the chance to make me happy, and he's willing to learn how to love me if I'm willing to teach him.

My son has been thriving lately. My FP moved to a new place with a couple roommates and my 3 year old has a blast running around with their kids. I'm really glad I talked to my FP about the concerns I had with his role in my son's life instead of just pushing him away. He's really trying to show he can be there for both of us.

I buckled down on my eating habits and finally stuck with it long enough that I have an appetite again, making continuing to stick with my good eating habits so much easier. I havent had an appetite really in about 3 years. I've been putting on weight now which helps with my body image issues and I think this summer I'll be ready to focus on making my body stronger.

Next steps-

Get in to see a primary care physician so I can get: care for my chronic pain, a letter for my dog to be my emotional support animal, and a recommendation for a different therapist, hopefully one that will actually help me learn to cope with my childhood traumas.

Make "to do" list of fun summer activities I want to be able to do.

Study for and take learners permit test this week. And get license and car before summer.

Remember to have some self love and be kinder to myself.

#anyone else numbly watch their world crumble around them late at night #and does anyone else suddenly get a surge of motivation to keep putting effort into living #if only to escape the waves of self loathing #actually borderline #online journal #mental wellness #therapy #young single working mother #remember who you do it for

[little-lit-heathen-blog]

"Not tonight baby"

I hate that everytime he doesn't spend a night with me, I can't get rid of the feeling that it's because he actively doesn't want to see me. It doesn't matter that I'm the one that broke up with him and I'm the one that needed time, it doesn't matter how much time he has been spending with me, it doesn't matter that I know he has his own dreams he's been working on, it doesn't matter that everything has been great between us and I have no real reason why he would actively not want to see me. It doesn't matter that he reassures me of his love and that he wants to stay no matter how many times I try to convince him he doesn't deserve all my issues and baggage. The moment he says "not tonight" I feel like it's because something is wrong with me and he's trying to distance himself and/or leave.

At least I'm learning that these feelings are my mind's distorted perception and not the reality, so I just torture myself with them instead of picking a fight and making things worse.

#actually borderline #bpd problems #dbt skills #distorted thinking #black and white #love hate #high functioning #mental health #i love him so much #abandonment issues

[little-lit-heathen-blog]

dealing with bpd around ur loved ones

I have noticed and found a lot of shitty ass pages and wikihows about how to deal with borderlines and how to cope with being in a relationship with them but not a single helpful article helping the actual borderline who needs help. We already feel like shitty people for the smallest things, and finding stuff that shows sympathy for how hard it is to deal with us when we are looking for help is the fucking worst. I couldn’t find the help i needed when i was looking for it so i’m going to make my own tips and advice on how to deal with your BPD around your loved ones. 

first of all, its not your fault that you feel the way you do. you are not overreacting, you’re simply reacting the way your mind and heart tell u to react and that’s okay. just try not to lash out on people because of it because it can be very hard for “normal” people / neurotypicals to understand. 

- Communication. Tell them how their actions make you feel and be open about what hurts/triggers you and how small things they don’t even think about matter to you. Know that it is easy for them to slip up and forget minor things because it’s not things they usually pick up on so they dont really think much of it and how it affects us, just because the things they forget mean a lot to you doesn’t mean they love you less because they forgot. 

- Be patient. I know how hard it is to detect the grey areas when our black and white thinking takes over, but try to realize and recognize the grey areas to avoid huge arguments over small things. It’s not always “they love me” or “they hate me”, sometimes it can be “they love me even though they forgot to say ‘i love you’ back”. 

- There’s no victory in being the cold one. This took me a long time to realize and i still struggle with this, but you don’t win by being the cold one, surprising enough. Acting cold towards someone you love dearly hurts you more than it hurts them. Let go of that toxic habit and learn to love yourself. If they want to talk to you they will. Act accordingly. If they ignore you, dont bother talking to them. If they try to make contact and talk to you, let them. Be kind, always, but don’t be naive. 

- Give them their space. If they truly love you, they will love you even if you don’t talk for a few hours/days. I know it feels like they will forget you and find someone else instantly if you’re not on their mind 24/7, but they are not your property. They have free will and if they want you to be around they will make effort and try to make you feel safe with them even when they are busy. They do not hate you just because they are 30 minutes late when you planned on talking, when they forget to text you goodnight or because they talk differently one day. We’re human and most of out problems are self made inside our heads and probably not real. 

- Make time for yourself. Your FP is busy / not responding / left you on read. Don’t beat yourself up over it. Take a shower, shave (if you want to), moisturize, read a book (or poetry if you want light reading), make hot coco / tea, spend time with your family, call a friend, listen to music, go for a walk without your phone to clear your head and shut off for a moment, sleep, do a face mask, bath bombs are relaxing as hell. Distract yourself so you dont overthink and end up spamming them with messages and splitting afterwards. If you take some time to take care of youself instead of blaming yourself and feeding into your bad paranoid thoughts you wont feel guilt over wasting your time on top of that. 

- Understand that our feelings (and we) can be too much sometimes and its very hard to understand them, now imagine trying to pour them on someone who is trying their hardest to understand. Tell them that you appreciate them  and that you know how hard they are trying, as often as you can. Dont let them feel like they are holding onto a dead end and that their efforts are pointless. Try to have an open mind and try to understand them as well trying to making them understand that you appreciate them even when you dont act like it sometimes.

- Your feelings are valid. There’s nothing wrong with feeling a little too much, and i know it hurts a lot being this emotional but know that with every feeling of pain, our moments of happiness are euphoric. I hate the stupid articles telling us we need to work on our symptoms and try to minimize them as much as possible in order to live normal and healthy lives as much as the next borderline, but i hate to say that they are right. We can always improve and try to maintain a balance between splittling and remaining our softness by acting and treating people how they treat us. It is very difficult but its not impossible. 

[little-lit-heathen-blog]

sometimes i wonder what kind of person i’d be if i’d had a better childhood. i can’t remember a time before the abuse, before the trauma. it’s woven into my earliest memories. the abuse never stole my childhood–it was my childhood. there’s nothing to recover from, because there’s no “better before” for me to go back too. this is all i’ve got. this is all the fuck i am.

[little-lit-heathen-blog]

The Borderline Personality Disorder Checklist

This is a checklist to help one understand Borderline Personality Disorder. One may use it to self-diagnose or as a worksheet to present to a doctor or therapist  or other medical professional and better communicate symptoms they are experiencing. All information is taken from the DSM-5.

Section I Must check TWO or more of the following:

I have identity problems, including: I have an unstable sense of identity, I have poor self-esteem and excessive self-criticism, and I often experience dissociation when I am under stress.

I am unstable in my goals, aspirations, values, and/or career plans.

I have a heightened sense of empathy and am hypersensitive to the feelings and needs of my peers, although my perceptions are often biased towards negative attributes.

There is a lot of instability in my relationships, in that I am needy, mistrustful, and anxious.

__ / 4 Total

Section II Must check TWO or more of the following:

I have cognition problems and difficulty retaining information and remembering people and events.

I have affectivity problems and difficulty controlling the range and intensity of my emotional responses.

I have problems with interpersonal functioning and being aware of my own actions and feelings and how they affect others.

I have difficulty controlling my impulses.

__ / 4

Section III Must check ONE or more of the following:

I am very impulsive and often act on things without planning.

I engage in dangerous, risky, and/or potentially self-damaging activities with no concern to my personal limitations.

I am easily angered.

__ / 3 Total

Must have at least FOUR checks TOTAL by the end of this section, including ones from previous section (If you checked two above, you only need two here, for example):

My emotions are incredibly unstable, and I change moods often (sometimes within minutes), feeling things more intensely than others seem to.

I experience intense feelings of nervousness, tenseness, panic, and/or anxiety. I have fears of the future and of falling apart or losing control.

I get separation insecurity and fear abandonment.

I am frequently depressed and feel hopeless and have a difficult time recovering from such moods.

__ / 7 Total

Section IV Must check FIVE or more of the following:

I have a fear of abandonment and do my best to avoid it.

I switch between idealizing and devaluing the people in my life. My relationships are often unstable and intense.

I have an unstable sense of self and often question my identity.

I am impulsive.

I have attempted suicide and/or I self-harm.

I have frequent mood swings.

I often feel empty or depressed and have doubts about my future.

I am hot-tempered.

When stressed, I am paranoid and/or I experience dissociation.

__ / 9 Total

Section V Must check ALL of the following:

My symptoms impair my personality and social functioning 

My symptoms are consistent across a broad range of personal and social situations.

My symptoms have lasted a while and started in early adulthood or earlier.

My symptoms are not caused by medication, drug use, or another medical condition.

-

At this point, if you have checked the minimum, you may qualify for a diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder. The next section is a compiled list of symptoms, behaviors, thought patterns, etc. often found in borderline patients.

If you did NOT meet the minimum, check out Major Depressive Disorder, General Anxiety Disorder, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, Bipolar Disorder, or Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder. If you checked ALL of Sections II and V but still did not meet the minimum in other sections, look into other personality disorders, especially other Cluster B’s.

-

Section VI Common Symptoms and Behaviors associated: 

I have disordered eating patterns.

I am sometimes obsessive.

I sometimes get intrusive thoughts which I am unable to ignore.

I become attached easily.

I often “bait” people in order to start a conflict.

I have trouble sleeping, or I sleep too much.

I have a child-like curiosity.

I am dependent on others.

I sometimes mimic or mirror others.

I have nightmares.

I have difficulty processing information.

My appearance changes often.

I have an extreme need for acceptance.

I have a natural rejection of people in authority.

I constantly feel like I need to prove myself over and over again.

I very much live in the moment, to the point where past actions don’t matter. How I judge others (and myself) depends entirely on what is happening right now.

I isolate myself, even when I need social interaction.

I am often defensive.

I have anxiety/panic attacks.

I experience memory lapses.

I consider myself a perfectionist.

I react very strongly to mundane experiences.

I have a difficult time making decisions.

I have difficulty completing tasks.

I often feel misunderstood, mistreated, or victimized.

When I am upset, I am unable to calm down without help.

I castrophicize my problems and see the smallest things as the end of the world.

I often see my problems as unsolvable and hopeless to fix.

I hold grudges.

I alternate between seeing others as completely for them or against me.

I have a hard time recalling someone’s love for me when they’re not around.

I change my opinions depending on whom I’m with.

Sometimes the slightest provocation will make me feel abandoned.

I feel distrustful and suspicious a great deal of time.

I rush into relationships based on an idea of a person rather than the person themselves.

__ / 35

#actually borderline

[little-lit-heathen-blog]

tbh the worst thing about being a self aware mentally ill person is that people assume that because you understand your illness you’re automatically able to actually apply your knowledge to your life and cure yourself

[little-lit-heathen-blog]

I had to break up with him for now because I need to sort some personal stuff out. But I am so so beyond lucky to have this man as a best friend even after I’ve hurt him, told him we have to wait, and he’s seen me have several anxiety breakdowns; he’s still there putting in the effort and trying to love me. My first love taught me everything I needed to know about what love is not, but this love is teaching me what love can and is supposed to be.

#best friend #my leprechaun #ginger jokes #soul stealer #witchcraft #witchy women #appreciation post #simple love #mental health #smile it's free #ptsd recovery #domestic abuse recovery #pathetic meat sacks

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Therapy Goals

Childhood Trauma

Address it

Accept it

Move past it

Abusive Relationship

Learn about and understand PTSD

Learn how to set and maintain healthy boundaries and expectations in relationships

Borderline Personality Disorder

Learn about and understand BPD

Address unhealthy coping skills developed from BPD parent

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy

Life as a Survivor

Learn how to be happy with functional, not wary of it

Build a healthy routine

Learn to love myself and to be kinder to myself

#therapy #cognitive behavioral therapy #mental health #mental illness #self love #childhood trauma #sexual abuse survivor #me too #toxic love #building a healthy life #actually borderline #ptsd recovery #anxious and introverted

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This is a big step for me

My first appointment with a therapist is tomorrow

I'm feeling

Relieved

Nervous

Determined

Unsure

#mental health #just the beginning #abuse survivor