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solomonish · 3 years

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How To Keep Your Demon Entertained At A Walmart

Congratulations! You've earned yourself a few demon date days up in the human world! But what's this? You have errands to run? Well, we all know these demons can't function without you for more than five minutes....but an entity that's thousands of years old gets a little bored and restless in the hyper-market wasteland of a Walmart...

Nowdateables: coming soon!

Lucifer

if you don't want him getting passive-aggressive about how you should've done this before he got here (yeesh Lucifer some of us have jobs or responsibilities that we can't shove onto our siblings for a day to see our precious mc) then you better be ready to make conversation

definitely not the type to allow you to even think about sending him off so you can get stuff done. he's not even that bothersome, so he'll get offended if you even think about it, but also wouldn't you rather keep him around to reach the top shelves?

basically if you don’t want to keep Lucifer entertained, you have to be the one he needs to keep entertained

do that thing where you roll around on the cart like a skateboard and he’ll be trying to put a stop to it immediately

put random things in your cart that he knows you don’t need and let him take it out and put it back where it belongs

stare him in the eyes as you put that party size brownie mix in your cart then speed walk away. he will come up from an aisle in front of you and silently pluck the box out and take it back. he will come back to see seven boxes of corn dogs and momentarily considers breaking up with you

does not need a treat as a bribe, but will definitely forgive your antics if you bought something from the bakery to snack on as you go home (especially if you did it without him noticing, considering the eagle eye he’s had to have on your cart the whole time)

just don’t have the nerve to complain about the crumbs in your car after that

Mammon

I would say to ask him to scan the area looking for dropped coins on the floor but he'd probably knock down shelves trying to look beneath them so....maybe don't?

also please keep an eye on him or he WILL be shoplifting. human jail is (probably?) a step up from demon jail but like. let's aim for no jail, ok mammon?

instead, give him a pre-portioned off list and tell him it's like a scavenger hunt. he'll scamper off to explore the walmart and his duty to keeping you happy has like a 70% chance of preventing him from stealing anything too important

make sure the stuff you put on the list is kind of hard to find but not too hard. you wanna keep him occupied without risking him freaking out because he can't find this super specific spice you want

either that or only make a really vague list like. tell him you need bread and he'll stand in the bread aisle trying to remember if you like white bread or whole wheat bread until you come to retrieve him

bring money for a treat. if it's near st patrick's day go in the seasonal aisle and hope they have chocolate gold coins

he's not too hard to deal with, but figuring out what's sneaky enough to put on the list is a chore of its own so going by yourself is less work anyway

Leviathan

taking him to walmart was your final fatal mistake

seriously? he has to go in? you could have just left him in the car!!

you take him intending to have him pick out some normie snacks (since you don't have any limited edition whatever-the-fucks in your house right now) but he looks so uncomfortable you make a detour towards the games

just leave him to play on the trial device and go pick out a few things for him to choose from when you circle back to him

arguable the least stressful trip for you until you have to wade through the pool of kids surrounding him and watching him play when it's time to pay and leave

you won't have to buy him anything but you will have to wait for him to finish the level he's on before he lets you drag him away. and he'll probably complain a little bit in the car about how terrible it was to go in in the first place, which a treat would help minimize.

so i guess just pick your battles with this one?

Satan

satan is a refined individual with startling amounts of self control. he does not need pointed in the direction of the books. he can entertain himself on a grocery run.

point him in the direction of the books anyway

their selection is always small (because it’s a walmart not a bookstore) and half of it is children’s anyway so he’ll probably wander off real quick

satan doesn’t need to be entertained, no, he’s past that. he needs to be kept on a leash

you have no way of knowing where he’ll end up. sometimes he’ll be somewhere that makes sense like in the stationary but sometimes you’ll find him staring at the paint samples like it’s a masterpiece in a museum or over by the fishing hooks reading up about local fish populations and how to get a fishing license and you’re just like “???? i’ve been looking for you for twenty minutes???? don’t give me facts about salmon???”

will ask you why you need to buy tires in the same place you get your food. isn’t that suspicious? what do they specialize in?

answer him only with the word “bargains” and he’ll stop asking once he understands or gets annoyed

you don’t need to buy him a treat unless he finds a book he wants. then come on mc, you dragged him out here and you’re NOT gonna let him get this one thing??

Asmodeus

he's fine with making an errand run with you actually!

he's up on the human world for you baby, just make sure to hold his hand so he feels appreciated

asmo is far too entertained with the concept of a walmart for his own good. don't go with him if you want it to be a quick trip because he'll want to go around the whole store

thinks at first that it's kind of nifty that humans just dump all the things they need in one store but is quickly turned off from the novelty when he realizes how short the distance is between the clothes and the nearest package of raw chicken

even if the selection is small, he will want to spend time in the makeup department. probably goes on rants about how he can’t imagine this quality of product is good for your skin

will still buy nail polish though if you let him

overall? not terrible to have around, but make sure you don’t have anywhere to be in the next hour when you take him

Beelzebub

pack a gallon bag of cheerios like he's a toddler and get ready to fucking book it in and out of there

you know how you should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry? what were you thinking bringing Beel around??

another brother who’s good for reaching tall shelves if you need it

Beel also has this talent where he can just list off the ingredients you need if you happen to forget your list

if you want, you can distract him momentarily by just throwing out random dishes and he’ll get the ingredients right every time (even though they’re human dishes!!) but you’ll end up giving him like five different cravings by the time you leave

only take him if you want to speedrun grocery shopping, because he will start eating food you haven’t paid for if you take too long

bring extra money for that too, just in case he gets caught :(

Belphegor

bringing belphie to walmart isn't a matter of keeping him entertained moreso than keeping him awake

which you will inevitably fail to do

so even if you only need like three things, get him a cart and let him fall into the basket

he’ll try to stay awake (and he’ll give very self-satisfied grins to the people who stare at him ((and especially the ones who say “wow i wanna do that”))) but he can only fight off his sin for so long

stop by the blankets so he can stuff a few soft things in (bc he’s gotta be uncomfortable cramped in the little basket) and he’ll make himself a tiny nest

the good news is you can put anything on top of him and he won’t complain. just don’t drop any gallons of milk on him or anything that’ll wake him up

go to a self check-out so the employees don’t yell at you

after you put your groceries in your car, just dump his ass on the pavement. he’ll forgive you if you bought him the blankets.

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ddaenggtan · 4 years

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666 birthday candles | m

a few of your friends help to make your birthday extra special.

pairing | seokjin x reader x yoongi ft surprise at the end :)

wc | like 4kish? | also on ao3

warnings | HOOO BOY ALL THE WARNINGS, threesomes, unprotected sex, PWP, oral: male, oral: female, lots of oral, multiple orgasms, overtimulation, throatfucking, deepthroating in general, throat bulge, degradation, praise, Sir kink, voyeurism, exhibitionism, cum eating, dom!bts, part of the 666verse so Fae Jin and Werewolf Yoongi and Vamp Reader

a/n | this is absolute total complete filth, 100% written for @peekaboongi’s birthday, even though it’s late bc i suck but uWU i hope that you like it and also that y’all like it in general. this is part of 666verse, so features the same MC as the others, but this - like the others - can be read as a standalone

Walking into your apartment, it was immediately obvious that someone else was there that you didn't expect. You stop in the doorway, eyeing the shadows of your furniture and taking in whatever scents and sounds you can. There's a faint breathing echoing through the air, and a single waft of the air tells you who it is. Still, as you head toward the kitchen to check for any notes about your pet, something sits ever so slightly off about things.

"Should I hand you the bottle directly, or would you like me to fetch you a bowl?" You ask the air. There's a muffled laugh, which surprises you, and then a slightly annoyed huff as Yoongi catches the bottle you toss him. He's leaned against the wall of the kitchen, hidden from view of the door, and you wonder just how he got in.

"Ha. Ha." Yoongi's voice is dry as can be, a clear indicator that he's still not a fan of your dog jokes.

"So, what earns me the pleasure of your company tonight? Did you forget to take your medicine again?" The grin you give him is nothing less than shit-eating, a single brow cocked so he knows exactly what you mean. You try not to take too much pleasure in the way his cheeks turn slightly pink.

"It's nothing like that," He says, pouting ever so slightly as he fiddles with the cap of the water bottle. He hasn't opened it, which doesn't surprise you; it's mostly there as something that he can fiddle with while you two talk. "It's just...y'know. Thought you might like company tonight. Considering."

It takes you a full minute to realize what he's talking about, and when you do, your eyes narrow.

"Didn't realize that you still had a key." You raise your voice just enough to make it clear that though you haven't looked away from Yoongi, you aren't talking to him anymore.

"Didn't realize that you never changed the locks," A voice says from your living room. It's dark and shadowed, which is why you would have missed him altogether had he not laughed at your earlier joke. You just hadn't realized who, exactly, was standing there.

"Not much need for it when I don't have to worry about intruders." You cross your arms over your chest, ignoring the warmth already growing in your chest at the sight of him.

Seokjin always looks good, and now is no exception. The human world suits him, even moreso the bespoke suits he likes to flaunt around in these days. You almost miss the old days, with the crushed velvet and silk of his finery, but you have to admit that these modern clothes highlight his shoulders and waist in a way that the old ones never did. Your eyes never leave him as he turns from where he's inspecting the art on the walls. He looks at you just like he did that first night you met, in that ballroom in Italy.

"Happy birthday," He says eventually, a small smile gracing his lips. Yoongi hums in agreement, and you almost wish you could forget he was there. The memory of what happened in that alley is there whenever you close your eyes, though, and what happened after....well, it wasn't as forgettable as some might think from a werewolf on the smaller side.

"You didn't even bring me a present," You whine playfully, pouting your lips just enough to draw Seokjin's attention. His tongue darts out to wet his own and you bite back a smile. It's always nice to know that you can still affect him.

"We are your present." You turn at Yoongi's words, cocking a brow at him once more. "From a...mutual friend, I suppose. Although, I think that present might be more your type-" Seokjin quiets him with only a look, and the curiosity in you is piqued.

"Which mutual friend?" You ask. "We have several." Yoongi just ducks his head and grins, his slightly sharper than usual canines becoming more pronounced when the shadows hit them. A realization hits you all at once, and your eyes dart back to Seokjin.

"Yes," He says with a smile. "That mutual friend." You stay quiet, unwilling to let on just how excited you are about this turn of events. You'd had a private little celebration earlier, of course; a nice little dinner of Italian, with a Frenchman for dessert, before stopping by the club for a while. Namjoon's gift was particularly nice, though you'd left it in your office for those nights where you're too busy to come home.

"Where's my pet?" You ask suddenly, looking around for him.

"Taken care of for the night," Yoongi says. "Didn't want him getting in the way. Or whining at the door to be let in." He laughs a little, no doubt picturing just what that would be like, but you turn to Seokjin.

"We'd never hurt him," The fae prince tells you. "He's with Namjoon, and you know how they adore each other." You can't help but nod; they do adore each other, for many good reasons, and you know Joon will take care of him while you're otherwise occupied.

"Well then," You say, breezing through the room to stand at the entrance of the hallway. "Should I get things started on my own, or will you both be good little boys and come play?"

In an instant you're pressed against the wall, Yoongi's weight heavy against your back as he presses a surprisingly gentle kiss to the spot behind your ear.

"You sure are acting cocky tonight," He whispers. You can hear Seokjin moving around, distantly, but your focus is solely on Yoongi and the hard length you can feel pressed against your ass. "I haven't forgotten what it was like to see you bent over and begging for my cock in you, sweetheart. Should I give you a reminder?" His fingertips play at the hem of your dress, dancing along your upper thigh while his other hand is tortuously slow at pulling the zipper down your back.

You know Yoongi, you remember that night in the alley, and you are distinctly aware that while his control is impeccable, you can take more than the average human can. Which is why you're not afraid to poke the beast a little.

"I don't know," You tell him, a smirk growing across your lips as you do, "Do you really think you're up for something like that? You're so small, don't you need your rut to make you good at it?"

He growls into your ear and the sound shoots straight down to your heat. You think you might hear a chuckle from someone nearby, but you can't be sure because Yoongi's got your dress around your feet and flips you around so your back hits the wall. Before you can even breathe, he's got one hand on your hip to hold you in place, one hand teasing circles around your nipple, and his mouth pressed against yours in a kiss so hot you're surprised the sprinklers don't start. You've never been more glad that you decided to go bare underneath your dress.

"You," He groans into the kiss, pinching lightly at the hardened bud between his fingers, "Need to be taught some manners."

You whine when he pulls away, missing the heat of his body as the cool air of your apartment makes your nipples pebble. He doesn't give in, though; instead he simply pulls on you until you're both at the open door to your bedroom.

Seokjin looks up as you enter, and he looks entirely too at home lounging on your bed. His suit is gone, in a wrinkled pile at the foot of the bed, and the boxer briefs he has on leave little to the imagination. You can hear Yoongi stripping out of his usual flannel behind you, the metallic shink of his pants zipper following not long after, but your attention is focused on the golden skin and wide planes of the fae's body.

It takes milliseconds for you to settle in his lap and pull his lips to yours. It's been too long since you've tasted him, in any way, and the craving that burns underneath your skin is too strong to ignore.

"Patience, my sweet," Seokjin whispers, laughing slightly under his breath as he does. First we have to tell you how this is going to go." You frown, confused, until Yoongi settles in behind you, warm skin against yours and his voice low in your ear. It's almost hard to concentrate; his breath fans across your neck, leaving goosebumps in its wake, and you suppress a shiver.

"Do you understand, sweetheart?" Yoongi asks when he's finished. "Does that sound like fun to you?"

You glance at the nearby mirror, antique and treasured. You can't see yourself, just the way Seokjin's hands rest casually on your hips as he waits for your response, and how Yoongi hovers behind you, sitting back on his calves with one hand tracing patterns on your thigh. Even in the reflection you can see the messy desk behind you all, the way the chair's pulled out from where you'd been sitting there before your errands; heat pools in your stomach, wetness slips down your thighs, ideas swirl in your head of what could come after this, and you nod.

"That sounds perfect, sir," You tell Seokjin as you grind yourself back into Yoongi's length. It's impossible to tell who moves first; the three of you are a blur of hands and lips within moments. You think it might be Yoongi sucking bruises into your neck as best he can and Seokjin circling your clit with his long fingers, but then, it could also be Seokjin's hands kneading your breasts and pinching at your hardened nipples while Yoongi moans softly at the feel of you against him.

"Please sir," You whimper lightly, fixing half-lidded eyes on Seokjin. "Please, I want to taste you. Can I?" The fae prince smiles and pulls his hands away, sliding himself out from under you and Yoongi.

"Lay on your back," the werewolf behind you says. "Let him use that pretty little throat of yours."

You do as you're told, more than willing to give up control for tonight if it means they'll have their way with you. You get comfortable, letting your head hang slightly off the side of the mattress while Yoongi settles between your thighs, just running his hands along your soft skin.

Seokjin looks even taller from this angle, impossibly more broad shouldered, and it only turns you on more. He slides his dick out, situating the band of his underwear just beneath his balls, and your mouth waters at the sight. You'd almost forgotten how big he is; length and girth both, and you have enough experience with him to remember that he absolutely knows how to use it.

You rub your thighs together - just enough enough to relieve that pressure building between them - and Yoongi laughs.

"Look at this," He says. "We haven't even touched you and you're already wet. You're such a good little slut for us, aren't you?" You nod and your tongue darts out to lick your lips. Seokjin doesn't miss the action; his eyes are trained on your face, watching for any sign that you've changed your mind.

"Open your mouth for me, my sweet." You don't even hesitate to obey him, letting your drop open enough that he can slide the tip between your lips. Yoongi groans at the sight, no doubt remembering how it felt to be in that very same position, and his grip on your thighs tightens ever so slightly.

"Fuck, it's just as good as I remember," Seokjin breathes. You tease at his slit ever so slightly with the tip of your tongue, letting it ghost along as he sinks deeper into your mouth before pulling out almost entirely. The weight of him is absolutely superb and you want more.

"Thought you were going to use my throat?" You prod with a coy smile. "Or is it just Namjoon that does that?"

Something hardens in the fae's eyes, and you can barely prepare yourself as he sinks into your mouth once more, hitting the back of your throat with ease and yet still leaving a couple inches left. Your hand wraps around it before you can think, squeezing lightly as you moan around him. He lets out a soft curse, eyes fluttering closed as he pulls back out and then sinks in again.

"You really ought to behave," Seokjin warns. He looks up, away from where his cock disappears into your throat. Seconds later, your thighs are pushed up to your chest, baring your heat and ass to Yoongi. Pain explodes over the skin there, and your cry is muffled against the length in your mouth.

"That's the first of your birthday spankings, princess," Yoongi warns. His hand massages the area lightly, coaxing the pain away while Seokjin continues to use your mouth. "Remind me how old you are? Should we see if you can make it to that?" Another slap hits your ass, in a different spot, and Yoongi massages the pain away there as well. He doesn't stop with just two; he keeps going, until your back is arching up off the bed and Seokjin's dick is slipping all the way down your throat, buried to the hilt in your wet warmth. You can feel the fae shudder, no doubt holding back, and you drop your hand to squeeze lightly at his balls.

It draws his attention enough for you to lift an eyebrow at him; it's enough for him to get the message, hopefully, since your mouth is full of cock. You can feel pre-cum leaking down your throat, your ass is still smarting from the last spank Yoongi gave you, and you're so unbearably wet that you're humping the air.

"God, do you know what you smell like right now?" Yoongi asks you as Seokjin drills into your mouth. "It's like absolute heaven. You're so wet and ready for us, you're fucking dripping, and why? Because you've got a cock in your mouth? Because I spanked your ass until it's this beautiful pink, and you're choking on some fae dick? Is that how much of a slut you are, that all it takes is a little bit of cock and a few smacks for you to soak your sheets?"

"Fuck, is she really?" Seokjin asks, panting slightly. "I bet you taste so good right now, my sweet."

Something wet and warm makes its way up your folds and you hear Yoongi growl. "She fucking does." It's all you can do not to come on the spot as he pulls your thighs apart and attacks your pussy with his mouth.

His tongue is everywhere, all at once; dipping into your entrance, teasing your clit, licking broad stripes up and down before tensing so he can fuck you with it. You couldn't stop your moans if you tried, vibrations echoing around Seokjin's dick. One hand moves to wrap itself lightly around your throat, and you can feel how his dick meets his palm with every thrust.

His hips stutter ever so slightly, and you think you might hear him curse again - quietly - as he comes down your throat. It must have been the sight of Yoongi's face buried between your legs that tipped him over the edge, and that thought paired with the way Yoongi's conducting a symphony of your moans just with his tongue pushes you over the edge as well.

The werewolf doesn't let a single drop escape him; he laps it up as if it were the sweetest thing he's ever tasted, and keeps going. You ride the waves of your orgasm on his tongue, and before you even know it, he's drawing a second out of you as well. Seokjin pulls out of your throat as Yoongi dutifully cleans your cum and teases your clit once more. His grip on your hips is like iron, and actual bruises are starting to form where his fingers dig into your flesh.

Your hand tangles in his hair and you pull him up to look at you. The sight is incredibly erotic; his messy black hair gripped in one of your hands, your own wetness coating his lips and chin as his eyes glow that unnatural red and he growls lightly. Yoongi could eat you out for hours - you know from experience - but you've got something better in mind.

"Will you please fuck me, sir?"

The red in his eyes brightens even as its overtaken by his lust-blown pupils and his grip on you shifts so that he can pull you down the bed until your hips meet his. He doesn't even hesitate as he sinks his cock inside you, both of you moaning at the feeling. He pulls out and slams in again, and again, and again, driving you further across the bed each time. You're all too aware of your audience, even as your shoulder hits Seokjin's thigh, and when you look at him, he's got one hand fisted around his cock, pumping himself in time with Yoongi's thrusts.

You cum again, but the werewolf doesn't slow. No, instead he sinks as deep as he can and stays there, grinding his hips instead of thrusting them so that he brushes up perfectly against that spot inside of you. Electricity sparks in every nerve ending across your body, your orgasm doubling in force and making you clench so tightly around Yoongi that he's forced to stop moving entirely. It's that that truly does him in, and before you can stop him, he's pulling out entirely and letting his cum coat your thighs and pussy.

Seokjin comes not seconds later, warmth spurting across your chest and chin. Yoongi slides a finger through the mess he's made between your legs, gathering your cum as well as his before he leans up to gather some of Seokjin's as well. You watch as his fingers disappear between his lips, and his eyes flutter closed in ecstasy at the taste.

Still, you can tell that he's spent, and Seokjin's recovery period isn't quite what it used to be, so you're content to let them rest. They both settle at the head of the king-sized bed, leaning against the oversized headboard.

A hand encircles your ankle, tugging you to the edge of the bed. You shiver in anticipation and a finger presses hard against your clit. The overstimulation after so many orgasms is on just the right side of painful, and you have no doubt that you're growing even wetter.

"Did you like that, baby girl?" He purrs, slipping a mixture of Yoongi and Seokjin's cum into his mouth. You can just barely see the edges of his fangs, pressing softly against his bottom lip as his tongue flicks up his finger to gather every drop he can.

You nod, not trusting yourself to speak.

"Would you like me to fill that pretty slut pussy of yours with cum, then?"

You nod again. The dark hair is tousled and gorgeous, only slightly damp with sweat. That and the bulge of his suit pants are the only sign that watching the three of you had any effect on him.

"Use your words for me, please. Would you like me to fuck you full of my cum?"

"Yes, please, Sir," You whimper. He smirks, a wry and somewhat crooked expression as his head tilts ever so slightly to the side and he bites his lip, highlight the fang as it presses into the flesh there.

"Good girl," He tells you. The light twinkles off Jungkook's suit jacket as he peels it off, and you think that this might just be the best birthday you've had in years.

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