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xxblackballoonxx · 2 years

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Electric: Chapter 5

Have we all survived the finale? I’m still stunned. Wow. I cried at every John mention because that’s me. I'll be crying about that 50 years from now.

Modern John Shelby AU

This fic is being posted simultaneously on FanFiction.net and Ao3. Classy smut warning beginning with Chapter 5.

Chapter 4 J&Gem Chats 4 J&Gem Chats 5 Chapter 6

Electric

Chapter 5: The Armory

John had spent most of Thursday morning still fuming over Tommy’s late night demand. Part of the way the Shelby business was divided was to give each sibling autonomy over their own properties, and in turn, their daily lives. But Tommy was still president of Shelby Company Limited, and that meant being at his disposal more than John liked.

He sat on the couch with a mug of coffee, waiting for Finn to wake up. Every time he closed his eyes, the night before came back to him. Kissing Gemma for the first time, the feel of her weight on his lap in the pub, the way she touched him. The way it would’ve felt to have her naked skin against his. Damn you, Tommy.

His phone buzzed and he laughed as he answered the call.

“Uncle Charlie! It’s early for you, man. What’s going on?”

“Tell me you stayed over with the lovely girl you brought into my pub last night.”

“I would’ve, except fucking Tommy called and sent me down to City Council for some building permits bullshit. Just sent it off to London. What’d you think of her? Gemma?”

“Obviously quite a beautiful lass, John boy. But I liked that you looked happy, haven’t seen you that happy in a long time.”

“It’s feels a little mental, we only met last week, but her and I, it feels right. I barely know her and yet like I know all of her? And that she knows all of me.”

“You know what Polly would say, it’s meant to be then.”

“Hah, she probably would. Good thing she’s away, because she’d be asking a million questions and diving into my soul or something.”

“You have fun, lad. And bring Gemma ‘round The Yard again soon, I’d like to meet her.”

“I will. Talk to you later, Uncle Charlie.”

John hung up the phone and looked up to Finn who had a grin on his face.

“So that answers the question of why you’re here this morning. And how your date went with Gemma.”

“I’m taking her to The Armory tomorrow night, check out a band she wants to see for work. And I’m hoping I’ll be waking up with her Saturday morning instead of seeing your face, Finn.” John joked and moved over so Finn could flop down next to him.

“You know Arthur will probably be there, right?”

“I know, I’ll tell Gemma before. Speaking of, I told her about the band last night. Not everything, I need to do that soon.”

John spun the engraved signet ring on his pinkie, as he always did when his mind went to that place. Finn studied his face for a moment, hating the pain that the memories always brought his brother.

“You’ll find the right way to tell her. And I think she’s going to understand, she’s a good one.”

************************************************************************

Gemma sat on her couch Friday morning, writing up some work emails when her phone chimed with a text.

She grinned. Clearly, John had also been thinking about what could’ve happened the other night, if they hadn’t been interrupted by his brother’s call. She hadn’t been able to stop going back to what his hand felt like on her thigh as she sat on his lap, the way he had kissed her up against the wall, the way his skin felt under her fingers.

She also was dying to know more about The Peaky Blinders, and had resisted digging into the label’s archives for their records. John would tell her more when the time was right, but she had a feeling it went a lot further then just the band breaking up, that his hesitation was more about why. She had taken note of his pinkie ring, and so far hadn’t been able to put together the initials.

************************************************************************

“Hi, love.” John breathed out as Gemma came through her front door, somehow looking even more beautiful to him.

Gemma smiled and took in the way his tight shirt outlined his biceps and the color accentuated his eyes. He kissed her, both hands holding her face, their bodies drawn to each other.

“Hi.” Gemma giggled and reached up to adjust one of his earrings, which made him want to put her over his shoulder and take her upstairs immediately.

“How about we continue this in my car?” John said, smiling suggestively.

Gemma laughed and nodded, and he led her around the block where he’d parked, which was less traveled and a little more private. He opened the passenger door for her and then got into the driver’s side, pushing the seat back.

“Come here.” John commanded huskily.

He pulled Gemma across the console into his lap, her knees on either side of his legs. His hands went underneath her top and up her ribcage, as their lips met again. Gemma grasped the back of his hair, her breath shaky as John ran his hand over her bra and his other hand went around her back, holding her tightly to him.

He sucked gently on her neck, hitting the same spot that he’d found the last time. Trailing his hand down her stomach until it hit the waistband of her jeans and then back up and underneath her bra band, kneading her breast with his thumb. She moaned his name quietly and tilted her head further to the side. John could feel her grind into him and deepened the kiss.

“Fuck, Gem.” He groaned, and leaned his head back finally, holding her to his chest.

They sat for a moment catching their breath, John running his fingers up and down her spine.

“As much as I want to continue this, we should, you know, wait until later. Inside. In your flat.” John said as he felt Gemma laugh against him.

“Agreed. But promise me we will return to this topic in the car, at a more private location in the future.”

“Fuck yeah we will. That was hot as hell.”

John helped Gemma back into the passenger seat and started the car.

20 minutes later, John and Gemma were walking towards the entrance of The Armory, hands linked together.

“Before we go in, there’s something else I need to tell you. My brother, Arthur, owns The Armory. He may or may not be there tonight, I just wanted to give you a head’s up, so you’re not totally surprised.”

“I’d be happy to meet him, John, not a problem. So is this place really as rough as you said?” Gemma asked, looking up at the faded brick building.

“It can be, yeah. You stay close to me just in case, ok?”

Gemma nodded and they walked into a half filled bar space with a stage beyond towards the right. John directed Gemma towards a couple of seats at the end of the bar and felt a hand on his shoulder.

“John boy! Didn’t know you’d be here tonight!” Arthur said loudly over the din.

“Hi, Arthur.” John replied, clapping his shoulder back.

“And who is this pretty young lady?” Arthur asked, smiling as he caught Gemma watching them with amusement.

“This is Gemma. Gemma, this is my brother Arthur.”

“And you two are?” Arthur asked, not so subtly.

“Here to see the bands tonight, I work for a record label. Nice to meet you Arthur.” Gemma jumped in, not wanting to put pressure on John.

“And we’re also together.” John said, wrapping his arm around Gemma’s shoulder, leaning against her bar stool. She responded by putting her arm around his waist.

Arthur blinked for a moment and then smiled, which turned into a grin.

“I’m happy for you, John. Can’t wait to talk to you more, Gemma, at a quieter time. This place is pretty loud, innit?”

Gemma nodded and smiled back, laughing as Arthur took a huge swig of his drink and then went off towards the stage. She felt John run his hand up down her arm a few times, and realized he had just made a pretty huge statement to his oldest brother.

“Together, huh?” She said, looking up at John.

“I’m in, if you’re in, love.” He responded, his eyes melting into her.

Damn, he is so beautiful. And hot. Beautiful and hot. Gemma thought to herself, as she momentarily forgot to speak.

“I’m in. For all of it.” She said and John smiled before leaning down to kiss her.

************************************************************************

After the final band’s set, John wrapped Gemma under his arm and made his way through the heavy crowd. Gemma was glad that he was with her. She wouldn’t have been necessarily afraid there by herself, but she could sense how one moment could send the crowd into a frenzy. Some places were just like that.

The two drove in comfortable silence back to Gemma’s flat. John kept his hand on Gemma’s leg for most of the ride, and she was starting to become addicted to the way his hands felt on her. She had never fallen this hard or this fast for anyone and she thought she would’ve felt unhinged by the feeling, a free fall. Instead, it felt like she had found a steady foothold, a safe place in John. Factor in the passion between them and how easily they’d clicked, and she recognized how special the situation was.

John found a parking spot in front of Gemma’s building and opened her car door, taking her hand. Gemma unlocked the front door as quickly as possible, and then led John up the stairs to her flat. He reached down to kiss the side of her neck as she struggled to get the key in the lock, fumbling a bit before the door opened.

“Welcome to my flat.” Gemma said as John closed the door and then put his arms around her waist from behind.

“I like it, none of my brothers here to interrupt us.” John mumbled into her hair.

He turned Gemma around to face him and the tension that had been building all night, really all week, took over. He leaned down and picked her up, wrapping her legs around his waist as he stood up. Gemma threw her arms around his shoulders and kissed him hungrily as he walked towards the darkened doorway of her bedroom.

He held her against the wall, his hips propping her up as he pulled her shirt up over her head and tossed it on the floor. He watched her chest rise and fall with heavy breaths as she leaned back, giving him space to take off his shirt as well. Her hands met his chest and then ran down his sides. A feeling rose inside him that had been muted for years. The desire of wanting someone just as much as they want you.

John pulled Gemma against him once more and walked backwards towards the bed, unhooking her bra, pulling the straps down one at a time. She flung it off to the side as he sat down and she stood between his legs. He placed his mouth over one of her nipples, sucking lightly as he unbuttoned her jeans. Gemma rested a hand on the side of his head, running a finger over his earrings and she sighed with pleasure.

John pulled away for a moment to pull off her jeans and shoes, just leaving her in her underwear, while Gemma went to unbutton his jeans. He kicked off own shoes and then jeans before he flipped her around onto the bed, keeping their bodies close.

“I want all of you, darlin’.” He whispered in her ear, as her hand slid into his boxers.

“And I want all of you.” She whispered back, her hand making contact with his hard shaft.

He moaned her name and got rid of his boxers before pulling down her underwear. He purposely dragged himself slowly back up her body.

“John, please.” Gemma said, the torture becoming too much.

“What do you need, love?” He smirked, kissing his way up her torso.

“You.” She ordered.

John looked into her lust filled eyes, pushed her legs a little wider, and then slowly entered her.

“Fuck, Gem, you are so tight.” He muttered against her lips.

“Not to inflate that ego anymore, J, but you aren’t exactly small. Not that I mind.” Gemma responded, making John lose concentration and laugh.

After a moment, he thrust into her again and locked their hands above Gemma’s head as she pulled her knees up and tight around his hips. The rhythm intensified as he sank deeper into her every time, her hands on his lower back, pulling him in impossibly closer.

She bit into his neck as she felt herself coming closer to finishing, the sounds of John’s ragged breathing in her ear. He could feel her tightening around him and she moaned his name as her back arched. He thrust in once more, as deeply as he could go, and felt himself release into her, dropping his head on her chest. She ran her fingers over the shaved part of his head as he caught his breath.

“That was …” Gemma started but faltering to find the words.

“I’m going with bloody fucking incredible.” John murmured, turning his head and linking her free hand with his.

“I was going to say the greatest, but your description really puts the emphasis on fucking, so perhaps more descriptive?”

John burst out laughing and rolled over onto his side, pulling Gemma tightly against him, so they faced each other.

“One of many things I like about you, Gems, you make me laugh.” John commented as he swept Gemma’s hair over her shoulder.

“For me, it’s your accent. Really you could do or say anything speaking like you do, and I would go with it.” Gemma was being funny but also totally serious.

“So, like …” John began, putting his mouth next to her ear, “if I said, ‘let’s do it again, love’, you’d agree?” John purposely dragged out the way he spoke and judging by the blush he could see rising on her cheek, it was working.

“I certainly wouldn’t say no. You know, once you’re ready.” Gemma responded biting her lip to hide a huge smile.

“I’m ready to start with you now, sweetheart.” John said as pulled up the blanket and started kissing her collarbone.

Gemma shrieked and started laughing as John’s large hand gripped her waist and held in her place.

“Good thing I’m staying the night, yeah?” John asked, looking up at her, eyes darkened again with desire.

“The best thing.” Gemma responded and laughed again at his grin before he went back to work.

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demigoddessnation · 3 years

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(excessive) Teresa slander

and everything wrong with it

— an essay by me

1. People lose sight of the real villain in the story. We were really given this power-hungry, violently elitistic organization put in charge of a decaying world and decided to pin the entire blame on a teenage girl. Teresa was a pawn in a game she deliberately wasn't provided full understanding of. A rather biased pawn at that. The actual evil behind all this were the people who had the power of life and death in their hands - those who could exploit a potential cure to their personal gain and advantage. While those people would've been driven by selfishness and lusting after population control, she was motivated by her own moral compass, which was unfortunately very much manipulated from the very beginning.

2. She was (to her death) a kid. She's a fictional character, yes. But slandering a teenager for not being lawfully good is like pushing penguins off a cliff and frowning when they don't avoid the fall by flying. Like any young person, she had a cause she wholeheartedly believed in and supported. She allowed herself and her friends to get hurt in the name of this cause which she believed transcended the pain of the individual and worked for the greater good. It's not easy to agree to this when all you know of the world is pain, loss and death, and though her decisions didn't work out, they were made with the sternness of someone who's lived through too much for their age.

3. There's a suspicious hint of ✨misogyny✨ to it. Interesting, really, how all the hate goes to Teresa whereas she didn't exactly execute all the betrayals and scheming by herself. Aris also had a significant part in all that, but people seem to dismiss his role in that case. Maybe it's the movies that watered it down, but he was in the epicenter of events just like her. Also, if you dig further, you'd see that the rest of the guys are all constantly having their trauma discussed in depth (specifically the Ivy Trio and Gally) while Teresa's past is hardly ever acknowledged. Trauma can't and mustn't be compared between characters and to say that every single one of them was severely (unfairly) traumatized is an understatement, but ignoring traumatic experience for the sake of villainizing someone is profoundly wrong. If you're going to be judgmental, do it fairly and correctly, without picking and choosing whatever appeals to your own personal opinion.

4. "I laughed when she died" shouldn't be a thing. Again, she's a fictional character, yes. But on a mental level our brains can't functionally distinguish between fictional characters and real people (that's why falling for a fictional character can feel as intense as falling for someone in real world). There's still something inherently wrong with laughing at someone's death, just saying.

5. Even if there is intense hate for Teresa, it shouldn't be directed to Kaya Scodelario. There's this fine but important line to draw between a character and the actor who plays them. The case with Kaya and Teresa is one of the most problematic parts of this fandom because the actress can't possibly be held responsible for something her character has done!! This is a role and it in no way means Kaya condones what Teresa's said or done. People get paid to act in movies, not to magically merge with the person they're scripted to play. Also, Kaya is a very kind and educated person. She's not from the Maze Runner or Skins, she's an actual person with actual feelings. Everyone needs to respect this and treat it accordingly.

6. Teresa has been demonized and manipulated for so so long. Even if you don't understand her point of view and motives, it's still heartbreaking to see how badly and harshly life had treated her since she was a child. The very first time she was found as the only survivor in a village of dead bodies, she was thought of as a ghost, an evil omen. She has always been "the only one" - the only one immune, forced to watch her family die; the only girl amid a group of guys with a variety of underlying trauma and issues; the trigger for change. It doesn't help that she used to be separated from the others with Thomas and labeled an elite subject. She was meant to be an outcast and the fact that she never really got to bond with them contributed to her being clay in the hands of WCKD. Even if she was fed a lot of information about the world, the cure and the vileness of the WCKD trials, she would still choose to side with the organization because the promise of finding a remedy prevailed in her mind, as opposed to the mindset of Thomas whose righteousness did get him in some difficult situations but kept him from becoming a radical idealist (which made him more aware of how impractical and painful the process of finding a cure actually was).

7. The story wouldn't have worked without her. Maze Runner is a great analogy for elitism, class division and government problematicness but its most impactful message comes from how the readers get to see the victims of the global catastrophe that is the Flare. We get insight into the Cranks, the violent work of WCKD and the mass panic that quickly spreads worldwide but what truly works out the resonance here is the fact that we see that the group of main characters isn't entirely impenetrable in their righteousness and incorruptibility. We have a bunch of broken people who set off on a journey to find life outside of running and fighting for survival. However, without the chaos factor that's Teresa, the battle against WCKD seems linear which can't possibly be true since the line between good and evil is basically obliterated at this point of global deterioration. She's the turning point where you realize that there are no winners in the war, nor are there good or bad guys, only victims and opportunists.

In conclusion, I hope to see a day when the psyche of characters is better explained and understood instead of bashed the way it is now. There's some really great character building going on in TMR and it's a matter of time we progressed past the need to point fingers left and right when we could take in the bigger picture of the story. The way we react to characters like Teresa actually says a lot about how we would react to her behavior in real life, and sometimes that could be limiting us from figuring out that at the end of the day people like this exist and will continue to exist under the influence of grand promises, corrupt authority and crisis.

#the maze runner #maze runner #tmr minho #tmr newt #tmr thomas #tmr #tmr teresa #tmr gally #small rant

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flightsoffandom · 4 years

Text

Co-Conspirators

Pairs: Aaron Hotchner x Reader

Words: 5421

Summary: Getting your career at the BAU started gets interesting when you realize you're attracted to your boss.

Warnings: None

Notes: Left completely gender-neutral. I had been interested in watching Criminal Minds for a long time, but a friend of mine finally got me to start it. Suffice to say my damn ass completely fell for Hotch. Was there other things I was planning on writing… Yes… but I couldn't help myself. Hopefully, now my obsession will chill out enough I can work on other projects for a bit.

I found this writing prompt @witterprompts and went with it. The original prompt is below.

"Look, I think it's a fairly simple question. Do you or don't you want me to work with you?"

Continuation of Co-Conspirators –Part 1*–Part 2–Part 3–Part 4–Part 5 –Part 6

You had initially gone to college for something completely different. Or at least you planned on using your degree for something else. One of your classes had Jason Gideon come in as a guest speaker, which sparked an epiphany. So you picked up some extra classes and buckled down, reading as many books as you could on the subject, David Rossi’s books were among the ones you read. Whatever college social life you may have had was put on the back burner, so you could pour all your energy into learning. It took a lot of hard work, but you managed to do it. You wanted to help people. This seemed like one of the best ways you could do that. When you were ready, you pushed ahead and got an interview with the Behavioral Analysis Unit at Quantico.

You had been beyond nervous. For the past few years, you had been training for this moment. So you steeled yourself before going into the FBI building. You made sure to wear something very professional, wanting to make an excellent first impression. Walking into the building was easy enough. When you got into the BAU area, you saw some of the other employees there. They were already watching you. It was easy to tell that they knew you were there for the job opening. While you walked up the stairs, you tried to absorb all the information around you. You reached the office and knocked on a door that read 'S.S.A. Aaron Hotchner', the man who would be interviewing you. You heard a voice call you in. You were thrown off when you entered Hotchner's office. He was older than you, but even with that scowl sculpted into his face, you immediately found him attractive. So that caused you to begin your interview precariously. You knew he was a profiler, so you did your best to bury your attraction to him. Agent Hotchner was your boss. You were going to handle this professionally. You closed the door behind you, "Nice to meet you, Agent Hotchner." You introduce yourself as you take a few steps closer before stopping a respectable distance from him. Hotchner motions to the chair on the other side of his desk, "Sit. Despite what the other profilers might say, I don't bite." You chuckle, moving to sit in the chair. Hotchner moved some papers around on his overflowing desk, “Hotch is fine.” He looked over what seemed to be your personal file. You weren't sure what to expect before you came here. There were rumors about the team and gossip sure. Agent Hotchner was supposed to be intimidating and mean. While he gave off those vibes at first glance, that wasn’t the feeling you got from Hotch when you took a second to read him. Hotch looked up at you from your file, “Your look qualified for the job, but you’re young. What makes you better for this job than other applicants with more experience.” You hum, quickly thinking to yourself. You make sure to thoroughly look around the room, trying to get every detail. You look back at your interviewer, “There are no other applicants.” You said with a very matter the fact tone. Hotch leans back in his chair, a ghost of a smirk on his face. “What makes you say that?” You sit up enough to get another look at the files on his desk, “All these files are paperwork for cases, the dates, and how they are labeled. Applications aren’t labeled like that.” Hotch narrows his eyes at you, signaling for you to continue. You smile, “You don’t have any other applications on your desk. Which means either I’m your last applicant or there were no others. ” You glance down at your watch, “Judging by the time of day, the stacks of paperwork on your desk, and the bags under your eyes, you don’t have a lot of time for interviews. This is why you’re doing this on your lunch break, and I don’t think you’ve actually eaten lunch yet. I imagine you would have scheduled all your interviews in one day to get it taken care of quickly. Limited time, limited people you are willing to bring in and try to fit into your already busy schedule. I'm guessing that I am the only applicant.” You pause and shrug, “I suppose I could also be the only application you deemed had enough potential.” Hotch leaned forward again, closing your file, “Can you start tomorrow?”

You curiously peek at the papers on his desk. Interestingly trying to see if you missed anything as you respond, “I can start right now if you need me too…” You pause for a second, before looking back up at Hotch, “Was I right?” Hotch tucks your file away, “Yes.” You perk up. You had done exercises in classes and during training, but you always found them too easy. So being able to test your skills on something more challenging and being right was exciting, “Which one I am then? Only applicant?” You assumed you were the only one. Figuring if someone with more experience had applied, they would have easily won out over you. Hotch shakes his head, “The only file I saw with enough potential to bring in was yours.” You slowly stand up, making a curious noise. “Thank you, then.” You reach out your hand. Hotch raises his eyebrows and shakes your hand, “Don’t thank me yet, You'll still have to prove yourself in the field.”

That was how you got your job with the BAU. To start out, Hotch partnered you and him together a lot, you were assuming it was a probationary situation. You did some cases with other people while you were learning. After you had been at the job long enough to handle yourself, you were still partnered with Hotch most of the time. Part of you chalked it up to the fact that you could handle Hotch’s grumpy and bully-like behavior. Quickly the whole team became your family. You spent most of your time at work, which meant you spent all your time with the team. You enjoyed hanging out with everyone on the team.

Emily would help you learn new languages if there was time. You found it oddly soothing listening to Reid talk about whatever he was excited about at the moment, plus you usually learned something. Rossi shared a love for classic art, the two of you also shared a love of snarky banter. You and Penelope shared anything nerdy with each other, whether it was movies, shows, or comics. Derek would discuss books with you, and he would introduce you to new music. You were always happy to look at pictures of Henry while talking about family life with JJ. You and Hotch were workaholics together. Hotch got onto you about it a few times, but you always turned it back on him. It was hard to explain, you and Hotch kind of just gravitated to each other. There was always a calm mutual understanding between the two of you. Working so closely with Hotch didn't exactly help with your attraction to him. You were a professional. So you ignored it for the most part. You had resigned yourself to the fact that Hotch wasn't interested in you. Even if he was interested, he was such a stickler for rules that it wouldn’t matter.

You had been good at remaining professional for a few years. However, you slipped up one night when you and the team went out to celebrate. A case had gone really well, and you all knew you deserved a break. Emily and Derek were the first two to get the idea rolling. Soon everyone was ready and willing to go, except Hotch. Since you both worked way too much when the team went out, it was usually down to either you or Hotch to be what Penelope lovingly referred to as the ‘designated buzzkill’. You agreed to go but kept wondering if you should invite Hotch. Reid quickly caught onto how you were glancing up towards Hotch’s office, “Shouldn’t we invite Hotch?” Everyone except you and Reid made a face. It was a collective look of ‘We could try, but he’ll just say no.’ Their skeptical looks sealed it for you. You moved away from your desk and to the stairs, “I’ll ask him.” Penelope let out an excited squeak, practically bouncing as she spoke, “You’re the only one of us who can speak fluent ‘Hotchner’. You can do it, sugar.” You chuckled and rolled your eyes as you walked up the stairs. You knocked on Hotch’s office door but didn’t even wait for a response before going right in. You and the team had only been back for maybe 30 minutes, and Hotch had already buried himself in paperwork. You walk over and sit in the chair in front of his desk. Hotch doesn’t even look up as he addresses you, “Yes?” You shift about in the chair using the sweetest voice you could muster, “We have all been talking…” Hotch looks up, cutting you off “A night out? I have paperwork.” Hotch had his scowl on, but it no longer affected you unless he was mad at you personally. You grin at him, “It will be fun.” Hotch just stared at you, waiting. You sighed and rolled your eyes quickly, dropping being overly nice, “Why do you make me do this?” Hotch leaned back in his chair, crossing his arms. A smirk threatens to slide onto his face, Hotch still just stares at you. You glare at him, “Fine, you asked for it.” Hotch just waits, already knowing he pushed you to the point where you lose your verbal filter. While he had gotten onto you before for your lack of filter on cases, you think he enjoyed it when you spoke candidly in more casual situations. You point to his desk, “When is the last time you went somewhere that wasn't this building, the plane, or a company car?” Hotch goes to protest. This time you cut him off, “This stack of paperwork has been like this since you hired me... What two years ago now? You always do all your work. Go above and beyond. The files have changed, but the stack remains the same size. It can wait twelve more hours. At which point, you’ll realize trying to sleep is pointless. You'll come into work early anyway.” Hotch makes a face, doing what he does best and avoids the main parts of your argument, “It’s been two years and six months.” You open your mouth, ready to argue again, but are temporally confused. “What?” Hotch moves some papers around, “It’s been two years and six months since I hired you.” You gave him another confused look, “You remember how long it has been?” Hotch once again dodges the main issue. “Also, I’d like to point out that you also haven’t been anywhere other than here or on a case in a while, either.” You scoff, “I totally have…” Hotch rolls his eyes, “Sleeping in your car in the company parking lot doesn’t count.” You grumble and lean back in the chair. You decide to do what Hotch does and just avoid that statement, “What if I promised you I would help you with the paperwork after the teams’ little night out?” You could tell you were starting to win when Hotch sat up in his chair. Hotch motioned to the paperwork on his desk, “This is important.” You stand up and put your hands on his desk, raising your voice in a nonaggressive manner, “Mental health is important too.” You glare down at Hotch, “And I swear to god if I have to drag Reid in here and make you listen to the statistics about mental wellbeing and overworking yourself, I will be so pissed.” You get a bit more dramatic with your voice, “Aaron Hotchner, I already got that lecture from him the other day. If I have to listen to it again just to get you to go to the bar with us, I will.” Hotch puts his hands up in defeat before pushing himself away from his desk, “Please don’t subject me to that.” Hotch stands up, and you start grinning, “Thank you for caving.” You walk to the office door, waiting. When you looked through the window, the whole team automatically looked away. Trying to hide the fact they had been watching. You chuckle, shaking your head at how bad they were at ‘acting casual’. You walk down the stairs, “Stop pretending you weren't paying attention. Bossman agreed to join us.” Derek claps you on the back, “The boss whisperer has triumphed for us once more.” You roll your eyes, going over to your desk. “Why do you all act like Hotch speaks a completely different language?” JJ giggles, commenting, “Asks the only person who understands him half the time.” Hotch walks down the stairs from his office, “Let’s keep it that way. If the rest of you catch on, then I’m doomed.” You laugh. Now that you all were ready, it was time to go. The team went back to their excited chattering as you left the building as a group.

At the bar, the team stayed together for the first few drinks. After that, though, everyone slowly splintered off on their own. You flitted from each small group for a while until like always, you ended up sitting next to Hotch. Hotch was nursing a drink while watching the rest of the team have fun. You ordered another drink. After a few moments of comfortable silence, you spoke up, “We are supposed to be having fun.” Hotch chuckles, “Is sitting over here with your boss your definition of fun?” You smile leaning back against the counter to relax, “Actually yes.” You take a large drink from your glass, turning to look at Hotch, “But you knew that already.” Hotch turns to face you, “I do. It’s the ‘why’ I could never figure out.” You laugh, playing with the small amount of alcohol in your glass, “You’re a profiler, you tell me.” Hotch glared at you before taking another drink. You couldn’t help the cocky look that fell onto your face. Hotch looks back out at the mixture of people floating around the room, “Really want to go down this road?” You scoff, getting another drink, “Hit me with your best shot Hotch.”

Hotch motions to all the people mingling in the bar, “You’re as bad of a workaholic like I am. So you don’t have a personal life.” You make a fake offended noise, but let Hotch continue. “You find flaws in anyone who would be considered a potential romantic interest before even speaking to them. Convincing yourself, there is no use in trying.” Hotch glances back over to you, “It's why you like hanging out with me that I don't understand.” You cock your head, “I’ll answer that after I correct you on a few points.” Hotch crosses his arms, leaning back, waiting. You chuckle, “You guys are my personal life, my family. Your right about the romantic interest part, though... Hard to stay interested in someone when you can profile them in one glance...” You pause before knocking back your drink, “I like grouchy, serious people. Lots of nice silence that isn’t awkward gives me time to think. No bullshit, you’ll tell me if I did something wrong or whatever else. Plus, My mouth normally gets me in trouble but not around you. I can be a sarcastic asshole or brutally honest.” Hotch makes a noise, “Your mouth is a huge problem.” You nervously rub the back of your neck and chuckle, “I mean… I’ve at least gotten better when we are on the job.” Hotch smirks, “You have.” He pauses for a second, “What else? You’re leaving something out.” This is the point where you would usually come up with a convincing lie to hide the fact you had feelings for Hotch. You were a few drinks in. You could handle your liquor, so you weren’t drunk per se, but you had drunk enough that you didn’t really think about the need to lie. You smile to yourself as you let out a small hum, “Because… seeing a sullen person smile… and I don't mean smirking… a genuine smile... It’s a special thing to be able to see that.” You realized that was the first time you had said something like that or even admitted it to yourself. You let out a curious hum. Turning back around in your seat, facing the counter. When Hotch turned around, that’s when you notice the two of you were shoulder to shoulder now. You glanced over at Hotch. He had a real smile on his face. It made you happy seeing him like that. You forgot where you were and that there were rules against fraternization at work. Hotch was so close to you, so when your eyes met his, all logic left your body. You closed your eyes before leaning in and kissed Hotch.

Hotch even kissed you back. It felt so right that you got caught up in it. Both of you kept kissing each other. That was until your brain quickly started to catch up to what you were doing. It only took a split second for your bliss to come crashing down. You had just kissed your very handsome, regulations focused boss. At a party with your coworker’s nonetheless. When you realized that you just put both your and Hotch’s job on the line, you pulled away. Hotch looked confused. You couldn’t tell if it was because you kissed him or because you stopped kissing him. Not sure what else to do, you decided to bolt. Digging cash out of your pocket before putting it on the counter to pay for your drinks. You avoid looking at Hotch, “I… I have to go.” You said it so fast it sounded more like one word then a sentence. You didn’t wait for a response. Booking it out of the bar and straight to a taxi to take you home. You were mad at yourself. You managed to stay professional for over two years. Then it only took one night out for you to ruin that. Though deep down, you knew the real reason you were so upset was that kissing Hotch had felt perfect, but there were multiple rules against things like this. You didn’t want to forget about that moment but thought it might be easier if either you or Hotch just forgot about it by the time morning rolled around. As soon as you went home, you went straight to bed, hoping to sleep it off.

When you woke up a few hours later, you hadn’t forgotten. It was actually the first thing you thought about. Making you realize that maybe it was more than a crush you had on Hotch. You pushed the thought back in your mind and decided to just go into work. Knowing you couldn’t go back to sleep even if you wanted to. Even though you were walking into work a few hours before anyone else should be there, you weren’t surprised when you saw Hotch’s car already here. You had your fingers crossed that he had forgotten about last night, and you never had to think about this ever again. When you walked into the bullpen, you got your answer. Usually, when you came in early for whatever reason, especially helping him with paperwork, you would sit in Hotch’s office while you both worked quietly. However, today Hotch’s office door was closed. The paperwork you had promised to help him with was sitting on your desk. Last night may have just fucked up your usual routine and, even worse, a friendship. You sighed to yourself and just sat down at your desk and worked.

Over the next few months, it only got worse. Where you and Hotch typically gravitated to each other, now you were both constantly apart. He no longer paired you two together on cases, never sat next to each other on the plane. The worst part was probably the early and late hours both you and Hotch always worked. You both were the only two in this part of the building at those times, and still, there was no real communication between the two of you. Just basic, stiff sentences. Neither you or Hotch talked outside of team meetings and cases. It was a shock to your system considering how close you two had been before that night at the bar. But you felt you had no one to blame but yourself. You also felt lucky you still had your job considering Hotch could have fired you.

You reached your breaking point one random morning after a few months of this. It just hit you how much you actually needed to know what was going on. You didn’t even care what the answer was, you just wanted to know. So while you and Hotch were still the only two at work, you barged into his office. Before you could even get the door closed, Hotch spoke up, “Yes?” You closed the door and crossed your arms, “If you’re pissed at me, could you go ahead and just say so?” You shouted that louder than you meant to. Hotch furrowed his brow and looked right up at you. You didn’t give him a chance to say anything just yet, “I was really drunk, okay? So don’t think anything of… of…” You tried to think of what to call it because calling it a kiss reminded you how much you enjoyed it. You subconsciously touched your fingers to your lips. As soon as you noticed, you dropped your hand and continued, “that situation… It meant nothing.” You didn’t even believe yourself and knew that Hotch saw right through it too. As an effort to hide more of your feelings, you let out a loud, annoyed huff before standing there and staring at Hotch. Hotch narrowed his eyes at you, testing you. “Then why are you yelling at me about it?” You scoffed a few times before you started walking around. You stayed mindful enough that it didn’t look too much like pacing. You calmed your voice, “Because I feel like I’m in the dog house because of it. You stopped partnering with me, practically stopped talking to me altogether.” You sigh, “I understand you could have fired me for that drunken mistake. You didn’t, and I appreciate it. But if you really hate working with me that much now, just tell me.” Hotch leaned back in his chair and watched you. There was some emotion in his eyes you couldn’t pinpoint at the moment. It almost looked like he was amused as he spoke, “You weren't that drunk.” Hotch moves some papers around on his desk, “You know, normally anyone else on the team would think being partnered with me constantly would be the punishment. Not the other way around.” You think for a moment watching Hotch, “I don’t feel that way about it.” Hotch nodded, “I know.” He looked a bit too amused for your liking. So you started speaking louder again, "Look, I think it's a fairly simple question. Do you or don't you want me to work with you?" You paused, but your nerves got the better of you. You let out a loud sigh before adding mostly to yourself, “I knew my mouth would get me in trouble one day… this just isn’t the kind of trouble I thought it would be.” Hotch chuckles at your comment, “I’m not mad at you.” You scrunch up your face, confused. Hotch’s voice turns more serious as he finishes, “I do want to work with you, but I separated us because you’re a distraction.” You glare at Hotch, “What the fuck do you mean a distraction?” At this point, you may not have been thinking too clearly because you automatically took offense. You fully turned to face Hotch, your body language and tone reflecting your irritation, “We have worked with each other for over two years. Suddenly I’m a ‘distraction’?” Hotch stood up, crossing his arms and staring you down. You dug your heels in, “Am I really that bad at my job that I’m affecting your or the team’s work?” Hotch started walking over to you, “Will you stop and listen to me for a second?” Hotch had raised his voice just enough to get your attention. It was stern with no real anger behind it. You let out an exasperated huff but stayed quiet. Hotch stopped a few feet in front of you. Even a few feet away, Hotch seemed to tower over you. The serious look that was normally stamped on his face was softer than normal, “You’re a distraction because I have feelings for you as well.”

You falter for a second, “What?” Hotch lets a smile slide onto his face, “You heard me.” You take a minute to think it over, “Then why didn’t you say anything before.” Hotch shrugs, “You’re the one who ran, and I wanted to cover all my bases.” You glare at him, wondering if this was a joke. Hotch wasn’t one for jokes, so it was unlikely, but part of your brain wouldn’t accept he was telling the truth. So naturally, you challenge him, “Since when?” Hotch raises his eyebrows at you, “Does it matter?” You give him a firm nod. Hotch looks off to the side, “Longer than I would care to admit…” Hotch knew you wouldn’t be satisfied with that answer, so after a pause, he looked back at you with a smirk on his face, “The first time you yelled at me. I was able to see how passionate you were. It started then.” You start laughing, “Really? You also wrote me up for that.” Hotch nods, “It was still against regulations, so, Yes.” Hotch pauses, “What about you?” This time the laugh that leaves you is a nervous one, “Since my interview.” You rub the back of your neck, “Tall, Dark, and Handsome. What else can I say?” Hotch makes a curious noise, “I just read that as regular nerves, not attraction.” Hotch smirks at you, “If I had known you had such poor taste, I wouldn’t have hired you.” You scoff and roll your eyes, “Shut up.” You look out the window down into the bullpen below, “If ‘poor taste’ is liking a man who is constantly pushing himself to do the right thing and can be an ass at times because of that. Then sure, I have ‘poor taste’.” Hotch scuffs, “The word I think you meant to use was jaded.” You smile, looking back over at Hotch, “Nope.” You say it very matter of factly, letting the ‘p’ pop as you speak. You tilt your head and give Hotch a cocky grin, “So you like being yelled at?” Hotch rolls his eyes, “Only when you're the one yelling. If I didn’t, I would have fired you by now.” You chuckle but then have a serious thought, “How much trouble are we in?” Hotch sighs, “None… at the moment, but if Strauss catches wind of this…” It was finally time for other people to start showing up for work, just some background workers. Drawing both you and Hotch’s attention to the window watching over the bullpen. You think, “So we don’t let Strauss catch wind of this.” You tap your foot on the ground. “Everyone on the team hates the bitch, but…” Hotch nods, finishing your thought for you, “But… If we keep it a secret from the team, it will at least buy us time.” Hotch glances at you for a second before looking back out the window, “What do you suggest?” You tilt your head from side to side as you think, “We build upon what the team already knows about… We have clearly distanced ourselves from each other. The team has noticed… So we make it seem like we are actually mad at each other.” Hotch nods, agreeing with you so far, “An event about two months ago that would cause this ‘rift’...” Hotch scowls while thinking about it. You laugh, “It is us we are talking about. There are too many things to choose from. The team knows you can be a hard ass, and they know I have a smart-ass mouth.” Hotch chuckles, looking over at you. Your eyes meet for a second, and you can’t help but smirk. “Are you willing to get this elaborate with lying to our friends and colleges?” You were joking at first, but you had a serious thought. Your tone quickly changed, “In all seriousness… I don’t want to put your job on the line… Don’t get me wrong I want this, but not so badly that I’m willing to risk your career without both of us being on the same page.” You look over at Hotch. He furrows his brow, “It’s not just my job. It’s yours too.” You let out a melancholy chuckle, “Im young, I haven't built up my whole career yet. I could find somewhere else to work.” Hotch shakes his head, “You’d be miserable.” You shrug and smile, “ ‘Miserable’ is a relative term.” Hotch’s frown sets in deeper on his face, clearly he was starting to rethink things. So you quickly spoke up, “I just want to make sure we are on the same page. I’m more than willing, but if you want to back out before we break any rules, I want to give you that chance.” Hotch stares at you for a very long moment, “What event are we going to use from two months ago?” You smile softly, relieved that he wanted to proceed with things. You thought, “I cursed out that cop which you got onto me for even though the guy totally deserved it.” Hotch smirks, “He did deserve it but still inappropriate.” You chuckle and nod, “We could use that… act like someone in the department complained about it more and is riding your ass about it. Could combine it with several other things for more drama or leave it at that.” Hotch nods, “We can work with that.” You move away from the interior window, “When everyone gets in, we fake an argument and let the team see it.” Hotch moves back over to his desk, “They will see it and shouldn’t ask too many questions about it.” You sit in the chair in front of his desk, “From partners to partners in crime.” Hotch glares at you and rolls his eyes, “Crime makes it sound much worse than it is.” You chuckle, “Fine. Why don’t we plan something fun then? Maybe it will make you less grumpy.” Hotch sits down, crossing his arms, “Something fun?” You roll your eyes, “A date. I mean, we literally put all this effort into the lie to cover up something that hasn’t even really happened yet.” Hotch smiles, “Tomorrow night, we are supposed to have it off.” You give him a smug grin, “It’s official, then Aaron, we're co-conspirators.” With a sigh, Hotch leans back in his chair. As he rubs his temples, you can see a large smile on his face.

Continuation of Co-Conspirators –Part 1*–Part 2–Part 3–Part 4–Part 5 –Part 6

#criminal minds #aaron hotchner x reader #gender neutral #criminal minds fanfiction #gender neutral reader #hotch x reader #aaron hotchner #fanfiction #fanfic #series #reader insert #co-conspirators

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unfolded73 · 4 years

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Husbands: Two Years In (4/5) - schitt’s creek ff

This fic is complete, posting every other weekday. While I'm including it as part of the "Labels" series, the preceding fics are not required reading. Previous fics in this series: Boyfriends; “I Love You”, Partners, Fiancés

Warning: This fic deals with depression as one of its major topics.

Special warning for this chapter: This chapter comes with a referenced underage sex warning, although Justin has turned 18 by this point. The sex is only discussed in somewhat vague terms with Patrick, but there is a 4-year age difference between participants that some readers might find upsetting.

Rated Explicit, this chapter 4737 words. (ao3)

Thanks to @high-seas-swan for cheerleading and B13_MaybeThisTime for many valuable comments (and also cheerleading).

Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Chapter 4: Autumn

The first thing that struck Patrick when he awoke was the quality of the light in their bedroom. The days were getting shorter, so why was the sun through the window so bright? He fumbled for his phone, saw the time was 9:23, and sat up with a start. He should have been at the store an hour ago, he thought, his heart starting to pound.

There was also a text notification from David, and he thumbed over it to read it.

David: You turned your alarm off 3 times so I figured you needed to sleep. I’m opening and you can come in whenever. ❤️ you.

Patrick quickly responded with I’m up now, sorry, a stab of guilt in his chest as he fought his way out from under their warm comforter. It was his job to make sure the store opened on time, just as it was David’s to close up without Patrick a few nights a week so that Patrick could get a head start on errands. But now David was carrying his weight because Patrick couldn’t manage to get out of bed on time. He berated himself throughout his morning routine and in the car all the way to the store. He decided on a quick detour to the café to pick up a coffee for David as thanks.

While he waited for Twyla to get his drinks, he spotted Ronnie across the room and gave her a half-hearted wave. She appeared to be finishing up, and she made her way over to the counter slowly, the check for her breakfast in hand.

“How are you, Patrick?”

“Good,” he said, even though it wasn’t anywhere close to the truth.

“Hey, I meant to tell you after the last council meeting but it slipped by mind. There’s an LGBTQIA+ group over in Thornbridge that meets up once a month that you might be interested in. I hadn’t heard anything about them in ages — thought they might have disbanded after marriage equality made some people think there wasn’t anything left we needed to fight for. Back in the day they used to organize protests, letter writing campaigns, things like that. I guess they still do.”

“Oh. That’s cool,” Patrick said, unsure where Ronnie was going with this. Wondering how she managed to rattle off all those letters so easily.

Ronnie huffed, annoyed. “You mentioned that you had missed out on the activism part of it all. This would be an opportunity for that if you were interested.”

Patrick frowned. “Thornbridge is a long drive.”

“Here you go, Patrick,” Twyla said, setting two to-go cups down in front of him.

Rolling her eyes, Ronnie handed her check to Twyla to ring up at the cash register. “Suit yourself.”

“No, I’ll… I’ll definitely look them up,” he said. “Thanks for telling me.”

“Uh huh,” she responded, her skepticism that he would do any such thing obvious in her voice. He couldn’t really blame her for that. He was skeptical too. Waving goodbye to Ronnie’s back as she left the café, Patrick sighed, then paid Twyla for the drinks.

He gave David a wincing smile as he entered the store. David was dealing with customers at the register, so Patrick set the drinks down on the counter and went over to see if any of the people browsing in the back of the store needed any help. Guilt churned in his stomach again, that David had been forced to come in early and work the store alone just because Patrick was too lazy to wake up on time.

When the store had finally emptied out from that little mid-morning rush, Patrick made his way over to David.

“I’m really sorry, David,” he said, picking up his tea from where it was still sitting in the cardboard tray.

That was David’s cue to be dramatic, to pile on with some teasing scorn for burdening him with opening the store. Patrick would feel perversely better if David flopped down on the counter right now and moaned about how much he had suffered this morning. Instead he gave Patrick a sweet smile and said, “Don’t worry about it.”

It was somehow worse. He didn’t want David’s generosity.

“I can close this evening.”

“You don’t have to do that. Closing is my job on Bethany’s days off,” David said.

“And opening is mine. So let me make up for this morning,” Patrick said, some of his testiness coming out in his voice.

“We don’t need to keep score. You’ve been really tired lately.”

“That’s not an excuse!” He was almost shouting. “David, just let me close.”

Now David looked a little annoyed. “Fine. Oh, also I took care of the car insurance payment.”

Patrick narrowed his eyes. “The what?”

“They called and said they hadn’t gotten our payment? So I paid them over the phone; I hope that’s okay.”

Patrick winced. There was a stack of unopened mail on his desk at home, he could see it in his mind’s eye, and he was pretty sure that the car insurance bill was in that stack. “Sorry, I guess I forgot.” He felt the urge to shout at David even though it wasn’t his fault, even though David had once again done something to help him. Or maybe because David had done something to help him.

“It’s no problem,” David said matter-of-factly. Then his eyes lit up. “Oh! And Ray called. He said there’s a retail space in downtown Elmdale that just opened up that we might be interested in.”

Doing his best to suppress the swell of panic he felt at that news, Patrick moved to go back into the storeroom behind the counter. “Uh huh.”

“He said it looked about the right size for Rose Apothecary,” David continued, following him. “What do you think? Should we go take a look at it?”

“Maybe,” Patrick said, shuffling a stack of invoices on the table.

David huffed. “Can you not show even the tiniest bit of enthusiasm?”

Patrick looked up and stared at him, caught between anger and guilt, when his phone chimed with a text. Patrick pulled his phone out of his pocket and looked at the screen.

Justin 🌈: i might need yr help

“Hang on, I’ve got to respond to this,” Patrick said as he typed, What’s up?

There was a pause, and then dots finally appeared as Justin typed. “Who is it?” David asked, sounding annoyed.

Justin 🌈: how long would it take you to get to toronto from where you live

“What the hell?” Patrick muttered as he typed: 4 hours, why?

“What’s the matter?” David asked.

“Justin is asking me how long it would take me to get to Toronto.”

“Your cousin Justin?”

“Yeah,” Patrick said as the next message appeared.

Justin 🌈: i’m stuck here and i don’t want to call my parents

“Okay, I’m calling him,” Patrick said, clicking the header at the top of the text chain and then clicking the call button.

“Hi,” Justin said when he answered, that tiny word somehow sounding ashamed.

“What do you mean, you’re stuck in Toronto?” Patrick asked without preamble.

“I took a bus here? And now I kind of don’t have anywhere to stay that’s… umm… safe.”

The bus trip from Patrick’s hometown to Toronto must have taken forever, he thought. “Do your parents know where you are?”

The phone speaker crackled with Justin’s heavy sigh. “They think I went with my friend Alison on a weekend trip to a waterpark in Niagara.”

“So you’ve woven a complicated web of lies is what you’re saying,” Patrick said, meeting David’s eyes. David grimaced with a mixture of sympathy and intense curiosity.

“I came here to meet someone, but…” Justin sighed again, and this time it sounded laden with tears.

Patrick took the phone away from his ear to look at the time. “If I leave now I might be able to be there by 2:30. Can you text me with where you’ll be?”

“Are you going to call my parents?” Justin asked.

Patrick hesitated. He did need to tell them, but he didn’t know what was going on yet, and he didn’t want Justin to change his mind and disappear into the city, never to be found. “Let’s talk about that later,” he said. “For now, just let me know where you are.”

As soon as he’d disconnected the call, he met David’s eyes regretfully.

David waved his hand to dismiss the apology that he could probably read on Patrick’s face. “Go.”

“He said he took a bus all the way to Toronto to meet someone, and it sounds like something bad happened.” Patrick said, his mind immediately going to all kinds of dark places.

David nodded like he had guessed as much from hearing Patrick’s side of the conversation. “I’ve been there. Well, in my case, it was taking the jet without permission to Berlin, but same idea. Go get him. I’ll take care of the store today.”

The drive felt interminable. Patrick tried to distract himself with an audiobook so that he wouldn’t think about the kind of man that would lure a boy to Toronto, and what that man might have done to him. It didn’t work. He eventually turned the book off, realizing that he hadn’t taken in a word of the story, and switched to music.

At the end of three and a half hours (he’d exceeded the speed limit a lot), Patrick parked in front of the diner that Justin had sent him the address for and went inside. He spotted the boy immediately in a booth, hunched over his phone, and Patrick steeled himself, walked over, and slid into the booth across from him.

“Do you want me to get you something to eat before we get on the road?” Patrick asked.

Justin shrugged. “You don’t have to do that.”

Patrick plucked one of the laminated menus out of the holder and opened it. “All I’ve had today is toast. I need to eat anyway. Are you sure?”

“Did you call my parents?” Justin asked.

“Not yet.”

Sighing, Justin grabbed a menu for himself.

Once a bored waitress had come over and taken down their orders for burgers and fries, Patrick leaned back in the booth and folded his arms. “Tell me what happened.”

Justin seemed braced for an argument, and he came out swinging. “Do you get that there’s only one other gay guy in my whole school? One. So it’s not like there’s anyone for me to date there.”

Patrick nodded. “I get that.”

“So I met this guy Mike on TikTok — I followed him, and he followed me, and we ended up DMing each other a lot.” Justin narrowed his eyes. “Please don’t ask me what TikTok is.”

“I don’t need to ask you what TikTok is,” Patrick protested, although really he only had the vaguest idea.

“We really… vibed with each other, and he goes to school here in Toronto so he invited me to come visit him for the weekend.”

“When you say he goes to school here…”

Justin huffed. “He goes to college here.”

“So he’s a few years older than you.”

“Four years is not that big of a deal.”

Patrick agreed with that in theory, but when one person is barely eighteen and the other is twenty-one or twenty-two, it could very well be a big deal. So far Justin had said nothing to soothe Patrick’s worries, and he felt like he needed to know the worst of it before he vibrated out of his skin. “Did he pressure you to do something you didn’t want to do?”

Justin squared his shoulders. “I’m not a kid.”

“I know you’re not. That kind of pressure can happen to adults too.”

As quickly as he’s drawn himself up, Justin deflated. “It wasn’t that. I felt like I was ready for… you know.”

Resisting the urge to trot out the old chestnut about how people who were having it needed to be able to say it, Patrick added, “for sex.”

“Yeah. But it… it was awkward and… and really not good and I just… I needed to get out of there this morning.” He put his head down on his folded arms. “I have a non-refundable bus ticket for tomorrow, but I didn’t have anywhere to go tonight, and—”

“Hey,” Patrick said, reaching over and putting a hand on his arm as the waitress showed up with their food. “I’m glad you called me.”

They ate in silence, and then Patrick paid for the meal and led Justin and his overstuffed backpack out to his car. Justin sank into the passenger seat, exhaustion in his every movement. Patrick wondered how much sleep he’d gotten. He sent David a quick text, letting him know that he had Justin and they were on their way back.

“Can I ask you something else?” Patrick ventured.

“I guess.”

“Were you safe with him? With Mike?”

“He used a condom, yeah,” Justin said.

Patrick heaved a sigh of relief. “Okay, good.” He started the car and pulled out into traffic. “If you’re going to be sexually active with multiple people, or, you know. With people you don’t know very well, it would still be good to get tested regularly. It’s a good habit to get into.”

“What, am I supposed to go to my pediatrician and ask him to test me for herpes and HIV and stuff?”

Patrick mulled that over. “Back when I was your age, there was a clinic about an hour away that I know people would go to for testing and, like, abortions. We can look it up when we get back to my place.”

“Okay. Thanks.”

They settled into silence, Justin staring out the window and Patrick focusing on driving carefully.

“I thought you were going to be a lot harder on me for going to meet a guy alone or whatever,” Justin eventually said.

“Well, don’t get me wrong, it was incredibly stupid to go hundreds of kilometers from home without telling anyone where you would be, to meet a guy that you’d only communicated with online. You’re lucky you weren’t sexually assaulted or murdered.”

“There it is,” Justin said, sinking lower in his seat.

“But I sympathize with doing a reckless, stupid thing for love.” He thought about going into business with a guy he didn’t know very well in part because he’d finally, for the first time, recognized that he had romantic feelings for another man. “I’m sorry it didn’t work out with him.”

Another long silence passed. “I thought it would be… I mean, I knew it wouldn’t be like porn, but I’d read some stuff online, and he said he knew what he was doing, and I thought it would be…” In his peripheral vision, Patrick could see Justin cover his face with his hands.

“What?”

“I knew the sex might not be amazing, the first time, especially… you know. Doing… you know.”

“I don’t know, actually. Do you want me to guess?” Patrick said with a smirk, trying not to sweat too much over this conversation.

“Bottoming,” Justin finally said, his hands back over his face. The word was somewhat muffled.

“Oh.” Jesus, kid, you couldn’t start with a handjob? Patrick thought. His thoughts immediately went to his own first experience with that act, at Ray’s house with David while Ray was out playing poker. It was a very good memory. “I mean, it can be amazing, even the first time, with a patient partner.” He was very glad to have the road to focus on; he didn’t think he could have had this conversation looking his cousin in the eye.

Justin didn’t respond to that for a minute, back to staring out the window. Then he finally said, “Yeah, Mike was… not that, I guess.”

“He didn’t, umm… hurt you, did he?”

Justin snorted bitterly. “Not… I guess he just didn’t care if I enjoyed it or not.”

“Then he’s a complete asshole and you’re well rid of him,” Patrick said, thinking that he’d like to punch this Mike guy in the face. Convincing a young kid (albeit above the age of consent) to board a bus to come all the way to Toronto, and then to treat him like that… “I hope you blocked his number.”

“Yeah, did that while I was waiting for you to pick me up,” Justin said, his voice wavering. “God, I’m so stupid.”

“No, stop it. You’re not stupid. You did something rash and… and dangerous, but for understandable reasons.” He debated what to say next. “I will need to call your parents. I don’t need to tell them everything, not the… sexual details. But I can’t hide this from them. For one thing, we need to figure out how to get you back home.”

“I can take the bus.”

Patrick frowned. “I don’t feel great about putting you on a bus alone after what you’ve been through.”

“I’ll be fine,” Justin groused, and Patrick understood that teenage stubbornness, that visceral hatred of being babied.

“I know you will be,” he said.

He took Justin straight to the house when they got to Schitt’s Creek. Justin looked around with interest at his surroundings while Patrick first texted David to give him a quick summary of what happened, then went into their office/guest bedroom, closed the door, and phoned his cousin Sara.

“Patrick!” she said in answer to his call. “How are you? Everything okay with your parents, I hope?” Her quick words betrayed that immediate worry when a distant family member calls, that something terrible has happened.

“They’re fine. I’m actually calling about Justin.”

“Oh, he’s on a weekend trip with his friend Alison’s family. Did you not try his phone? He told me you guys have been texting, and I can’t thank you enough for being a friend to him.”

Patrick steeled himself. “Yeah, so what I have to tell you is that he’s not with Alison. He went to Toronto to meet a boy. It, umm, went badly, and he called me. I drove out there and picked him up and brought him back to Schitt’s Creek.”

There was a moment of silence, and Patrick imagined Sara trying to process all of that information at once. “What do you mean, it went badly. Is he okay?”

“He’s okay. Heartbroken, probably, but he’s not really talking about that. He’s safe.” Patrick said.

“Was he… did he have sex with this boy?”

Patrick ran a hand over his face. “Remember how you told me that I could keep his confidence as long as he was being safe? I told you the unsafe part, the… the getting on a bus to a big city to meet someone from the internet part. The rest of it, I think you’re going to have to ask him.”

She sighed. “Thank you for going to pick him up, Patrick. God, that must have taken you all day.”

“It’s okay. I’m happy to help,” he said, because he was. At the very least, it had effectively distracted him from his own problems for several hours. “He wants to take a bus back home. Are you okay with that? He can sleep here tonight and then I can put him on a bus tomorrow?”

“No, I should come pick him up,” she said, but she sounded uncertain. For good reason; it would be a fourteen-hour round trip for her to do that.

“I’ll watch him to make sure he gets on the right bus,” Patrick said. “And send you the schedule so that you’ll know when to expect him. Okay?”

“Yeah. Yeah, okay.” Her voice trembled, like the implications of what might have happened to her son were hitting her belatedly. “God, he could’ve been—”

“I promise he’s okay, Sara. Do you want to talk to him right now?” Patrick asked, opening the door and walking back out to the main part of the house.

“Yes, please.”

Patrick found Justin in the kitchen, standing awkwardly with his hands shoved in his pockets. “Your mom wants to talk to you,” he said, handing him his phone. He left the room to give Justin some privacy and went to make up the bed in the guest room. As he pulled sheets down from a shelf in the linen closet, it occurred to him that he’d been a little bit jealous of Justin, before: self-aware enough to understand his sexual orientation as a teenager and self-assured enough to come out to his parents. But it was just another path, another person’s journey to being their whole self — not better or worse than Patrick’s path, just different. And plagued with its own pitfalls.

Justin found him to give him back his phone as Patrick was smoothing a quilt over the neatly made bed.

“How mad was she?” Patrick asked.

“Pretty mad,” Justin said. “I’m definitely going to be grounded, but it’s not like I have anywhere to go anyway.” His hands went into his pockets again.

Patrick clapped him on the back. “Well, you can worry about that tomorrow. Want to come help me make dinner?”

That was how David found them when he got home. To his credit, David acted like a teenage houseguest was a normal occurrence, asking Justin politely about his high school and his interests and avoiding anything about the reason he was at their house.

At least, he did that until they were finishing dinner, when David draped his arm over the back of Patrick’s chair and said, apropos of nothing, “When I was sixteen, I convinced my dad’s pilot that I had permission to take the family’s private jet to Germany to meet a guy that I only knew over AOL Instant Messenger.”

Justin frowned with confusion. “What’s AOL Instant Messenger?”

David suppressed a whine. “Okay, never mind that part. That’s not the important part.”

“What happened?” Justin asked.

“The guy turned out to be in his forties and into a lot of kinky shit that I barely knew the terms for, much less—”

“David, I don’t know if this is an appropriate story—” Patrick began.

“All I mean is, you can do stupid stuff as a teenager and survive it and… and learn from it, I guess,” David said. “I don’t know! I’ve been where you are, that’s what I’m saying,” he huffed. “And one other thing, in case Patrick didn’t mention it. Something I didn’t know back then.” David was giving Justin a serious look. “Consent can be revoked at any time, for any reason. No matter what you may have consented to before.”

“Okay,” Justin said, blushing. “Thanks.” Then he wrinkled his nose. “Private jet?”

“My life was very different back then,” David said with an imperious sniff.

~*~

Patrick gave David a wan smile when he joined him in bed that night, after they’d spent the evening playing board games and watching TV with Justin before finally packing him off to the guest room to sleep. “Thanks for helping to keep Justin entertained.”

David got under the covers and let out a long breath. “He’s a good kid; he’ll be okay. He’s got that Brewer earnestness.”

Patrick laughed. “Brewer earnestness?”

“You heard me.”

They settled into silence, but neither of them reached to turn off their lamps. Patrick considered picking up a book and trying to read, but the hours and hours of driving had left him shattered. Maybe he’d just go to sleep.

Before he could turn off his light, he became aware of David looking sidelong at him. As Patrick so often could, he could read David’s face easily: David had something he wanted to say that he wasn’t saying.

“What is it?” Patrick asked, rolling to face David, one hand tucking up under his pillow.

“Nothing,” David said quickly, his eyes widening a little before he averted his gaze.

“David.”

There was a pause as David appeared to weigh his words. Every millisecond edged Patrick’s worry higher. “There was something I wanted to talk to you about earlier, but now with all of this Justin stuff, it seems like a bad time,” David said, not meeting his eyes.

“What did you want to talk to me about?”

David exhaled audibly. “Don’t get mad at me.”

“Why would I get mad at you?”

“Because… look, I spent a lot of my younger years in therapy, and I’ve spent more years than that struggling with anxiety, you know that. I’ve had panic attacks. I still have spiraling, intrusive thoughts sometimes. Mental health is… it’s complicated.”

Patrick felt a cold spike of panic, and he pulled himself up into a seated position against the headboard. “Yeah.”

“So I of all people know that there’s no shame in needing help.”

“David—”

“I might be totally off base, but I think it’s possible that you’re depressed and it might not be a bad idea for you to see a professional,” he rushed out, wincing, his face twisting like he was bracing for an argument.

“I don’t… I’m fine.” The words came out without his permission, a denial from deep in his gut. He needed to be fine. He needed David to not be saying these things.

David sat up next to him, his hand reaching over tentatively to touch Patrick’s thigh. “You don’t seem fine,” he almost whispered.

Patrick felt a swirl of emotions: irrational anger and shame but also relief. Relief that David was putting a name to the thing that Patrick feared, and that he was pointing out a path that Patrick could choose to walk like it was no big deal. Like it was normal. But the shame momentarily rose up and dominated his mix of feelings, and Patrick drew his knees up and leaned his forehead against them.

“I mean I get it, I’m not an easy person to be married to, I know that, and—”

Patrick lifted his head. “What? David, no.” He grabbed David’s hand and squeezed it tight and swallowed around a sudden lump in his throat. “You are the only bright spot in a sea of… of…” Lacking a suitable metaphor, Patrick brought David’s hand to his mouth and kissed his knuckles. “It’s nothing to do with being married to you. I’m grateful every day that I’m married to you.” His eyes burned with unshed tears. “I’m just… I’m so sorry.”

“What do you have to be sorry for?” David asked softly.

Patrick let go of David’s hand and put his own hands together, twisting his wedding ring. “You shouldn’t have to deal with me like this.”

David’s arm went around his shoulders. “What are you talking about,” he said, like Patrick was being silly.

Patrick met his eyes again. “I’m supposed to be stable. I’m supposed to protect you and take care of you and—”

“Okay, but that’s not the way marriage works?” David said. “Sometimes I can be the protector. You can be the one that falls apart sometimes.”

“But that’s not who you married.”

“Patrick, I married you.”

Swiping away the tears from his eyes in frustration, Patrick resisted the urge to get out of bed to put some space between himself and David. “I wasn’t raised to talk about my feelings, you know that. Or at least, not to talk about difficult feelings.” He plucked at a loose thread on the blanket over his legs.

David chuckled. “I do know that, yes.”

“So I’ll probably be terrible at therapy.”

Kissing his cheek, David said, “Well, you’re naturally gifted at too many things, anyway. It’s past time for you to be terrible at something.”

“I’m terrible at a lot of things lately.”

“Mmkay, you’re going to learn about a thing called ‘recurring negative thoughts’ if you end up seeing a therapist,” David said, scratching affectionately at Patrick’s shoulder. “I think you and I will be able to bond over that one.”

Patrick leaned against David, in the circle of his arms, and let out a heavy breath. Not for the first time in their relationship, he felt like an enormous weight had been lifted off of his shoulders. “Thank you, David.”

(Chapter 5)

#schitt's creek ff #schitt's creek fic #david x patrick #david x patrick fic #david x patrick ff #my fic

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bandicoot88 · 3 years

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My Cyberpunk 2077 thoughts...

Gonna go into some spoilers, which I’ll hide under the cut, tho for now, I will share what I thought of the game. I finished my original playthrough a while back now, and did a second, with my same V but with a few different choices (and going back so I could take a bunch of snaps in photo mode, as you may have seen!)

The game is definetely overhyped tho. Did I enjoy myself? Yes, but the game could’ve been better had it been worked on either more, or taken a step back... and made sure the game ran nicely. There are problems with it, and I’ll share this video here from videogamedunkey who does a good job of explaining the good and bad:

youtube

The length of the game:

Too short. For about 2 days I was doing side quests only to look for Brendan and Theo, voiced by Bryan Dechart and Ameila Rose Blaire, and even then, I felt like the story just... ends. When I went to do the final mission, I actually didn’t realize it was the final mission. It does say a point of no return, and I’ve experienced that once before in a game, but I just thought it’d be a really long mission, not the end of the game.

There’s too many side missions I feel, and as mentioned in the video, a lot of copy and paste kinds which are boring, while some are worth doing, but you can’t tell which is which until you visit those locations.

Game machanics:

I’m an easily confused person, but I still felt like the game doesn’t really explain... much. All this tech, upgrades, add-ons, abilities, weapons, hacking, and WHY THE FUCK AM I OVERHEATING!? Like... did anyone else feel overwhelmed? I’d be hours and hours into the game, and I still didn’t know what did what. Heck, there’s stuff now I still don’t understand, like... consumerables. I never use them, EVER!

I just find them kinda pointless, and they’re fucking everywhere, which is probably my problem because I pick EVERYTHING up. I just wanted the game to explian things better. Even BOTW just throws you into the wildness with little to go on, but it’s easy to pick up and understand once you know how (yes, I know the games are totally different, but CP77 could’ve learned something from games such as that on how to introduce players on how to literally play their game).

Crafting:

Did anyone actually craft in this game? I crafted very little, and by that I mean I crafted a few grenades to use. I thought weapons could be upgraded, but I was wrong I think, and legendary weapons could be crafted instead? Either way, I never found enough material to craft anything legendary, and with how often I looted... something ain’t right there.

Selling stuff:

On PS4, it’s a fucking nightmare. It’s sooooo slow. It would’ve been nice to have an option like ‘sell all commons/whites’ or selecting multiple items and then go ‘sell’. But no, you have to sell each item individually, and with how the game performs on PS4 currently... yeah, not fun.

SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS!

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The story:

Confusing. I got the impression that Arasaka were the bad guys, since y’know... killing Jackie, the son killing the father, etc. Then Takemura enters the scene, thinks we’re the killers, then we both get attacked by robo ninjas, who I haven’t got a fucking clue are, and then... Takemura is trying to save me. When it said ‘finish him off’, I thought it meant Takemura (I think I ignored the prompt, thinking Takemura would die in that moment).

I also kept getting confused on character names within the Arasaka’s, namely Saburo and Yorinobu, constantly getting lost on what and who Takemura was referring to, but I think that’s a me problem and not the fault of the game.

Romances:

I still have yet to romance someone, but my first encounter with a romancable character was Panam. Little did I know... that she’s straight, so my female V cannot romance her. So. Lame. There’s 4 romances in the game, and we’re limited to 2 per gender? Judy is nice, but I really liked Panam... Why not just make them all bi so from a player perspective, there’s more choice? That’s what Joytoys are, with Skye and Angel as prime examples. Just put the gay/lesbian representation in game elsewhere, but not with romancable characters that are limited, because that’s just lame to me. AC Odyssey didn’t have that problem... It’s really not difficult. According to a YouTube comment on Kerry’s romance, in the Cyberpunk board game, Kerry was bisexual anyway, so... what gives?

Character deaths:

I hated that Jackie died. Seriously? That lovable goof giant just killed off in the most anticlimatic and lame way? If you’re gonna kill off such a great character, at least go out with a bang. The guy didn’t get enough screen time and he was such a lively character in the doom of gloom of Cyberpunk’s world.

It also sucked that T-Bug and Dex died too. T-Bug... how did she even die? The game doesn’t explin anything, and the way she went off comms like that made me think that we’d see her late, as I didn’t realize she was actually dead for a good while, expecting her to make contact at some point.

As for Dex... yes, he did screw us over, but I still liked him. The way he talked, his voice, his style... I just felt he could’ve had more to give.

Then there’s Takemura, another death that I thought had to happen, but the game fucks him over by giving no indication that he could’ve been saved. According to the PS4 trophies, it says 0.8% had Takemura get his revenge for Saburo’s death near the end of the game, so... hardly anyone knew he could be saved.

They couldn’t have done like a decision that could’ve saved him? If they didn’t want to make it obvious, fine, don’t label literally “save Takemura” and “leave Takemura”, but have a decision there at least. Or, explain at some point in the game (maybe near the beginning) that following what the mission says doesn’t have to be taken so literally. When gamers are told by a mission on what to do, they do. How would we ever know to crawl in a tiny hole and find Takemura that way? Again, I assumed we’d meet up later, waiting... waiting... Hanako makes no mention of him whatsoever, and eventually I realized he was dead. Even called him on his phone to confirm it. So lame...

Smelting legendary weapons:

I think I accidentally smelted down Johnny’s Revolver, and I fucking loved that thing! The damage, the sound, the awesome reload animation... So now on my other playthrough I’m gonna try and not mess that up. How on Earth are Johnny’s clothes non-sellable/smeltable, but his gun is? How do you mess that up!? Let me mark certain weapons so I don’t accidentally sell them. Again, CP77 can learn from other games...

Buying cars:

I’ve bought... one car, and I hate that buying cars are labelled as side missions. Why would I want to buy a hoard of cars? I’m not made of money? I can’t just spend 22k on a car I don’t even really want, especially when I got Johnny’s car, and the bikes of Jackie and Scorpion. Just... have a single place where you can go to buy cars instead of littering the map. I read somewhere that buying cars is the Corpo path only, but I’m not sure?

The endings:

I think the ending I got was a common one. I understand there are 5 endings? I chose to go back to Earth and... eventually die I guess, because I didn’t trust Arasaka. I picked the other choice to see what happens, and I wish there was some explaination. You’re just stuck in some program, waiting for a body? If one will even be available? I felt like both endings kinda sucked, and dare I say, the ending you can get much earlier sitting on the roof was oddly more satisfying to me, because you get an actual cutscene with Johnny, and overall, it’s just a nice heart to heart moment. Sure, it’s sad, but there was emotion. The other 2 common endings just felt empty to me. I still have to watch the other, more rare endings.

Okay I’m done. This is mostly a big rant, but I did still like the game. It just wasn’t ready for release, even after 8 years, and it did had problems, outside of bugs and performance issues.

#Cyberpunk 2077 #Review #Rant #CP77 Other #My CP77 Stuff

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kalinara · 4 years

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So @singledarkshade and @theadrogna came up with a fun challenge. We each picked seven television shows/movies and were given a cast of one actor from each show to use in a hypothetical “dream show”.

My cast: Anya Chalotra (the Witcher), Elizabeth Gracen (Highlander), Reggie Lee (Grimm), Xenia Seeberg (Lexx), Danai Gurira (Walking Dead), Geraint Wyn Davies (Forever Knight), and Robert Vaughn (Man from UNCLE).

-- My show --

The year is 3299. Humanity has long expanded into the stars, with the hope of founding new, ideal societies. Humans being humans, they failed. The Coalition of Allied Planets was founded in the spirit of that old dream, and now it has grown and spread across the galaxy, bringing peace, prosperity and civilization, by certain definitions of those words.

I hereby present: Fall of the Coalition: Rebels Rising.

Characters and Episodes below the cut

Characters:

Corporal Alisha Padwal (Anya Chalotra): Corporal Padwal had once been a promising career officer in the Coalition Corps, until a superior’s blunder led to the loss of a decisive battle. Alisha managed to survive the resulting cover-up, but her future prospects didn’t. Now she’s a guard on a prison transport ship, where she’ll likely live out the rest of her days, until everything changes.

Petra Nikolas (Elizabeth Gracen): If you read the Coalition Press, Petra Nikolas is the most dangerous woman in the galaxy. A second generation idealist, Petra has been using her name, wealth and reputation to secretly amass a group of rebels, all of whom have suffered under the Coalition’s “enlightened” rule. She’s captured now, but not for long. She has a plan.

Marton Reyes (Reggie Lee): A brilliant doctor, all Marton Reyes ever wanted to do was save lives. Unfortunately, the Coalition had a better idea of the best way to utilize his brilliant mind. For years, Reyes took part in horrifying experiments, all supposedly intended to eventually improve human lives. Reyes has his doubts. One day, he couldn’t take it anymore. He was captured immediately, but at least a few lives were saved. Haunted by his past, Reyes finds prison almost a relief, since he can’t be made to hurt anyone anymore.

Jana Brandt (Xenia Seeberg): “Thug”, “Bully” these are nice labels compared to what the Coalition calls Jana Brandt. They call her “undesirable”: a violent recidivist who has been resistant to every attempt at therapeutic reconditioning. The Coalition considers itself too humane to kill someone like Brandt outright, but they certainly wouldn’t mind it if she just happened to meet with an unfortunate fate on the prison planet, Xyron. Of course, they have to get her there first.

Kauli Ka Vedar/Princess Kandake of Karash (Danai Gurira): Fifteen years ago, the Coalition brought civilization to the planet of Karash, quite against the Karashi will. They’ll learn better, of course. Regrettably, most of the ruling family died. Even more regrettably, a few survived, scattered to the edges of Coalition space.

Kauli Ka Vedar is a hacker and a thief, but that wasn’t what she always was. She survives by keeping her head low, and staying the fuck away from flashy rebel heroics. She doesn’t like the Coalition any more than they do, but it’s not just her own life on the line if they figure out who she is. Right now, the Coalition thinks they’ve got a petty thief. Kauli intends to keep it that way.

Governor Geof Drystan (Geraint Wyn Davies): The Planetary Governor of Xyron, Geof Drystan is basically lord and master of all he surveys. Generally corrupt and petty, he nonetheless has a soft spot for young people that he thinks have been mistreated by the system. At least the ones that he thinks he can manipulate. He’s the reason that Alisha has a job at all.

XS 367/”Alan Nikolas” (Robert Vaughn): Thirty years ago, a politician named Alan Nikolas led a movement to reform the Coalition into the democratic ideal that it was always meant to be. A brilliant speaker, the idealistic Nikolas inspired people across the political strata, until assassination put an end to his dream. The Coalition made sure that no one would follow in his steps.

XS 367 is a prison ship AI. Its programming is formidable but limited. It is complex enough to manage every aspect of the day to day running of the prison ship, inside and out, but carefully limited to prevent any sort of manifestation of independent thought or personality. At least until Petra Nikolas comes onboard, bearing the personality matrix of her long dead father.

XS 367 knows he’s a ship. He knows he’s not really a long dead politician. But he also knows that his daughter is on board, and he intends to do whatever he can to help her. His way failed. Maybe hers will succeed.

(Every appearance of Alan Nikolas, whether it’s a flashback, or an image on a computer screen is in black and white).

Episodes:

Episode 1 “Alisha”: Alisha Padwal is a new guard of the XS 367 prison ship. It’s state of the art, with an AI that runs everything, meaning that Alisha and her new partner, Davvyd, are blatantly superfluous. Alisha uses the time to try to learn about the prisoners, their crimes, and their fates. She is disturbed by the harsh, disproportionate sentences. Davvyd, on the other hand, is brutal, taking out his frustration on the prisoners, particularly Jana Brandt. Meanwhile, Petra plants the personality matrix into the AI, and the prisoners break free and take over the ship. Davvyd is stabbed during the commotion, though Jana insists that it was an accident. Alisha is taken prisoner, but she’s not without recourse as she is able to call Governor Drystan via a secret communicator.

Flashback: the episode contains flashbacks of Alisha’s fall from grace, her court martial and Governor Drystan’s interference, and him giving her the communicator in case everything goes wrong.

Episode 2 “Petra”: Petra Nikolas has now taken over the prison ship XS 367, now the “Alan Nikolas”. Her efforts to recruit her fellow prisoners to her cause is meeting some unexpected resistance. Marton is a militant pacifist, who refuses to cause harm to anyone. Kauli doesn’t want to get involved. Jana is on board, but her violent tendencies make Petra doubt the wisdom of recruiting her. She finally has some luck with Alisha, who, while loyal to the Coalition, also has many doubts about their methods.

Meanwhile, the “Alan Nikolas” is on the run from the Coalition. Petra takes them to an old hideout to obtain fuel and supplies, but is double crossed. The others reluctantly sign on with her, realizing there’s nowhere else to go. Alisha does too, but only upon secret approval from Governor Drystan.

Flashback: Petra’s childhood, watching her father’s eloquent public speeches. His assassination and the subsequent smearing of his name. Petra’s own rise, using her money and education to reach out to disenfranchised people, and her arrest for dissidence. Her forces are still out there though, she just has to get the Alan Nikolas to them.

Episode 3 “Marton”: The next supply stop goes about as well as the first. Coalition forces have been waiting in ambush. Petra, Alisha, and Jana get away, but Kauli and Marton are left behind. Kauli is injured, and Marton has to act to save her and himself. Meanwhile, Jana advocates just leaving them, while Petra refuses, winning Alisha’s respect and making her very uneasy about her role as a spy. When the crew is reunited, Alisha is about to tell Drystan that she no longer believes in his mission, but Jana catches her in the act.

Flashback: This is Marton’s backstory episode, so we’ll see him as a brilliant doctor forced into work for the Coalition. We’ll see them threaten his family and friends, to the point of deadly consequences when he tries to refuse. Finally we’ll see him snap, as he’s forced to conduct dangerous operations on prisoners and take on his vow of pacifism.

Episode 4 “Jana”: Alisha has been caught as a spy. Jana wants to kill her, but Petra says that they’re better than that. They basically put Alisha on trial, letting her explain why she should get to live. Jana is disgusted when Marton and Kauli vote to allow Alisha to stay, and attempts to mutiny. Sadly, she is shot by “Alan”, the XS-367 itself, who is trying to protect his daughter and her crew. Marton places Jana’s body in cryogenic suspension with the hope that one day they might be able to save her. Meanwhile, Petra asks Alisha to keep communicating with Drystan, to see if he can be turned to their side.

Flashback: Jana’s backstory episode, as a kid from the Xyron undercity. Her flashbacks will make it very obvious that while she does have genuine issues with rage (and some blackout episodes of violence), there has never been any real attempt to help her beyond clumsy “reconditioning”. We also see more of her confrontation with Davvyd, and his death. Though we don’t actually see her stab him.

Episode 5 “Kauli”: The crew end up stumbling across another Karashi survivor, Kauli’s sister, Berenice, who is being blackmailed by a local crime boss. Kauli has to decide whether to trust Petra, who she sees as an ivory tower rebel who has no idea what risks she’s asking of more vulnerable people, and Alisha, who until recently, was an actual spy. Ultimately, Kauli masterminds a trap for the crime boss, freeing her sister, and makes tentative contact with the rest of her family. We learn that the Karashi have been planning their own form of rebellion, in a more subtle and cautious way, they’re not yet willing to ally with Petra, but they’ll be keeping an eye on her.

Meanwhile, Marton and “Alan” undergo an experimental procedure that allow them to speak to a comatose Jana and try to wake her.

Flashback: Kauli’s backstory episode, showing the fall of Karesh, and Kauli’s struggle to survive as a young refugee, including a situation very like Berenice.

Episode 6 “Drystan”: Alisha, reluctantly, arranges a meeting between Drystan and Petra, when the former expresses his own dissatisfaction with the Coalition’s practices. The crew believe it’s a trap, but Petra believes that they might be able to turn his trap back onto him, and possibly free the prisoners of Xyron, many of whom are rebels just like Petra.

Marton, Kauli and Jana infiltrate the prison staff to try to recruit and ready the prisoners, while “Alan” and Alisha plan to disrupt Drystan’s communications, so that he can’t spring his trap.

Finally, at the meeting, Drystan tries to spring his trap. Petra gets the upperhand, and manages to negotiate a deal with him to free the prisoners. Then Alisha springs her trap and stabs Drystan before he can comply with Petra’s demands. She reveals that while she respects Petra, she thinks that her rebellion is flawed and destructive. The only way to truly bring down the Coalition is from the top. Alisha reveals that her technological sabotage gave her the command codes to the entire planet and has erased the XS 367’s personality. It is loyal to her now. (Though it still wears Alan Nikolas’s face).

In the prison, Kauli, Marton and Jana manage to escape and vow to find a way to come back and free Petra and Alan.

Flashback: This episode has no flashbacks. All of the action takes place completely in the present day.

Thus ends season 1.

A projection for season 2: “Fall of the Coalition: Rebels Strike”:

Season 2 will take place where Season 1 left off. Alisha is now the big bad, so to speak, defending her claim to Xyron and using that to start masterminding her rise to the top of the Coalition ranks. She intends to use Petra as a means to bring her rebellion under heel, and attempts to capture Kauli to do the same.

The crew will rescue Petra and steal the XS 367. Using the same experimental communication method that saved her, Jana and Marton communicate with the XS 367, which has now broken free from its programming in its own right and convince it to help them. The XS 367 continues to use Alan Nikolas’s face, but now it’s in bright 1960s style technicolor.

Eventually, Alisha’s plans go awry as she faces the people at the very top of the Coalition, and she reaches out to Petra to join forces. But is this another double cross?

#dream show #rip chat challenge #you should join us we have fun games

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writingsofmyimagination · 5 years

Text

Conjecture |11|

Idol Reader Au, Enemies to Lovers AU

Summary: Your management refused to renew your contract unless you collaborated, so you ending up working with Min Yoongi. A guy you’d disliked from before both of your debuts. There is more to their past than meets the eye.

Links to other parts: | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 |

May do one more after this, we’ll see.

Words:5049

Rating:18+

Warnings: SMUT!! (BDSMish themes, Yoongi Switch, Masturbation, Slight exhibitionism maybe) Swearing, mentions of eating issues, alcohol comsumption. General sass.

Permanent Tags: @msunnsstuff @rosey-roseu @eyelessmin @backtonormalthings

Reblog, Like, Comment pwwwweeasse :)

As the coffee machine was whirring away crushing away the strong beans, he remembered the way your eyes flitted when he’d said those words. It was panic. Was it panic because you didn’t feel the same? Or was it just because when he said it? Or was it both? He hated that he didn’t know.

“Are you growing the beans yourself?” He heard you call from the bedroom. The coffee had been sat ready steaming for minutes.

“Sorry baby, I just got distracted” You were sat up, sheet pulled up around you; legs almost pressed to your chest as you took the cup from him. As he stood to leave to start the shower you tugged at his hand, pining. He smiled weakly bending down to give you the kiss you wanted.

“You better not have been heading to the shower without me Min Yoongi”

“And what if I was?” he countered.

“Then I’ll have to you show why it’s better to shower with me”

“I’ll be honest then, I was heading to the shower” he confessed, smile adorning his lips as he grabbed a towel from the side.

“So I’ll see you in a minute then? He added.

“You know I’m a woman of my word” He would never get enough of the teasing smile you rewarded him so often.

“Sharp scratch” the nurse warned puncturing your skin with a needle. The long tubing snaking its way into a bag filled with liquid loaded with vitamins. Your reflection staring back at you as the makeup artist was puffing powder all over your face. Your manager and his assistant were stood observing the whole process. His PA was your favourite person right now. You were running on minimal sleep, no food and you felt like crap; she had amazingly managed to call out a nurse out for you last minute.

“Okay so the plan is you will be on the red carpet straight after BTS, Yoongi will hold back so the press can get photos of the people behind the collab of the year”

Your reflection smiled at the compliment. For the show you will be sat at our section a few tables behind the boys until you get called for you performance and your presentation.

“Got it, please don’t go over the plan again”

The heated leather seats of the car contributed to soothing your pre-event nerves. The bright natural white light flashes seeped in; even through the tinted windows.

“They’re ready Miss YL/N” The driver said before leaving the wheel to hold the door open for you. You smiled in thanks as you stepped out onto the carpet with full grace. The muttering and shouting of the press increased. Probably with the excitement that Yoongi is still stood on the red carpet and they are finally going to get pictures of the two of you together. Yoongi was wide eyed staring at you, trying his best to not let his jaw collapse to the floor.

He’d realised why you’d kept the outfit away from him. The slit of your dress teased the front of your thigh under the royal blue dress. Your thigh was decorated with a leather strap wrapping round attached to a heart shaped metal ring. The dress ruffled neatly, delving into a v at your cleavage. The middle of the dress sat tight enough to reveal your figure but you made sure it was loose enough so you had some room; there would be lots of alcohol consumed throughout the night. It was long brushing lightly against the surface of the velvet red carpet beneath your feet. Your hair was in a pony tail which was curled to perfection, your fringe quaffed round into a wave shape, pinned and secured with copious amounts of hair spray.

Your red carpet smile was on show instantly; greeting the flashes. With elegant steps you took up poses at the ‘photo spot’. For the first time in a long time you was riddled with the pinch of nerves. These would be the first proper public photos of you together and actually ‘together’. Today that ‘together’ was his hand snug to your waist. His fingers digging in gently enough to not be detected in the photo evidence.

“I know why you kept that dress away from me now” leaning his head to your ear; both your smiles refusing to falter.

“Yeah and why’s that” you replied, still staring outwards innocently at the crowd.

“Because you knew for one that I wouldn’t believe how beautiful you look” Roles reversed he was now facing forward and you was leaning in to his ear

“Did I?”

“And two you knew I’d damn well be impatient to fuck you in it” The filth through the sweeter than sweet gummy smile had you turning to face him with a bright happy smile shrouding the absolute shock you felt internally. He mirrored your smile turning to you. The perfect red carpet couple shot. The onlookers were probably begging to see a kiss. As much as you wanted nothing more; you would not give them the satisfaction. Both of your managements would also probably not take kindly to the action. He took your hand and you moved from the spotlight to the reception of the venue.

“Jesus they went nuts” Hobi chuckled slapping an arm at Yoongi’s shoulders when you re-joined the others. The flurry of noise reverberating around the whole room

“Kpop’s hottest couple” Jin toyed.

“Alright guys, calm your tits” You laughed, your eyes clapped onto another artist from you label and waved to get their attention.

“I’ll see you guys later when you win artist of the year yeah?” Aimed at the guys

“And I’ll see you for our performance” You left him with a gentle squeeze of his hand to join your agency to finally be ushered to your seats.

The buzz backstage oozed chaotic energy, runners running on their last legs searching for anything anyone needed last minute. You stood in the right wing in the same outfit as the music video; sound from the stage pushing your senses to their limit with the bass. Past the energetic fire of the Monsta X performance you could see Yoongi waiting in the other wing. The static of the radio of one of the stage directors buzzed behind you.

“Y/N” you turned to the call

“Erm Yoongi says you’re going kill it” She stood silent waiting for your response.

“Erm tell him I said to stop being a dweeb”

The stage manager had a smile on her face while communicating your professional message to the other manager. Your legs felt the weakness first, energy draining from your muscles.

The cheers erupted as the performance finished, half the boys heading towards you; Wonho included. The sweat glistening off them walking past you with warm knackered smiles. Wonho had just reached you with an even warmer smile placing a clamming gentle hand on your arm when you collapsed.

Your eyesight still non-existent; a constant blackness. You were conscious; you could make out all the scuffles of shoes scurrying around you. You recognised the panicked tone of Yoongi, it was harsher and angrier than you remember ever hearing. The words not picked up by your dazed state. You felt a rush of air beside you move as a figure left you and was replaced with another. The blackness turned to fuzziness with colour and clarity finally returned to your vision. Yoongi was staring at you with fierce concern, pupils blown. His hand was stroking your head and brushing your cheek. You’d been moved to a small dressing room and set down on a low sitting sofa. Only Yoongi and the stage manager were present; she was avoiding eye contact leaning against the door finger pressing against her ear piece muttering. The brightness of the room had you squinting as you adjusted to your vision. The desk below the illuminated mirror was littered with an array of bottles powders and god knows what other beauty products.

“5 minutes until you’re up, are we going ahead?”

“Of course not she need medic…” Yoongi snapped

“I’m fine, we’re performing!” you interjected sitting up. You were met with daggers

“We are not” wide eyes looking at you with defiant glare.

You stood almost knocking him back.

“We’re on” Evil stares shooting at Yoongi. You brushed yourself off, gulping down the glass of orange juice which had been placed beside you and walked briskly towards the door. The manager opening the door and following you out. You knew you should have eaten but you just couldn’t; you couldn’t bare the thought of any negative comments about your body. The internet was cruel.

Yoongi’s going to be furious

Eyes welling up; but you had to push them away. The look of the absolute worry was shoved on his face; he may have looked angry but you knew that wasn’t how he really felt. No words were spoken as he was escorted in a rush to the other side of the stage.

Your stage persona fit over your face as smoothly as silk. So did his. He said nothing as you rested back to back waiting for the lights to illuminate. It was awful, the comfort you’d swoon at normally when he was close felt a million miles away.

The fighting and harsh words at the start of the song were strongly meant coming from his mouth; it was the emotion of the start of the song through and through. It hurt. The disagreement in the lyrics transformed into words of reconciliation. This was where your sincere words were laced with apology rung true. The audience were stunned with the secret authenticity of the performance. You’re harmonising with his softer rap even melted Yoongi’s demeanour. The closeness of your bodies singing to each other his hand in yours, fingers locked. You’re final note you hit perfectly, diaphragm giving you all the support it needed. As the lights dimmed, you both partly breathless in your finishing position your head resting on his chest and his hand cupping the back of your neck.

You really felt like the situation had calmed. The pair of you both finding comfort through the work you both lived for. It didn’t stop you briskly walking off in the opposite direction to him, more in shame than anything against him.

You ignored the multiple vibrations on your phone as award after award was given out. In your sight you noticed his head turn to you on multiple occasions moments after you felt another vibration, he was a few tables in front of. Far enough to not have any face to face contact. You finally got the signal to go to backstage. It’s not that you didn’t want to reply you just didn’t know how to talk to about it; so you played safe and avoided it. Temporarily.

“And the artist of the year award goes to” Taking your time building the suspension, the smile reached your face before you spoke

“They’ve achieved a phenomenal amount this year…BTS” you announced with pride blooming through every inch of you. They were all humble in their approach to the stage. You bowed to them one by one, first handing the award to Namjoon. Being closer to the boys they all came in to give you a hug and a gentle kiss on the cheek. Congratulating each one in turn.

“I’m sorr…” you began

“I love you” He whispered before following the others in landing a kiss at your cheek. Your head snapped away with a huge shocked smile you couldn’t depress, unsure how to react. He just smiled as normal as anything compared to your expression.

The twitter memes are going to be priceless.

“God I love the after party” You sighed relieved slumping yourself onto Yoongi’s lap who was sat a table with his brothers all laughing away. There had been way too much alcohol to thankfully avoid any serious conversation that was overdue and necessary.

The after party was always a place artists and managements could truly relax; all media were not permitted. The lack of nosey eyes allowed artists to relax and be more themselves. You’d see couples that the Kpop world knew nothing about; there was even gay couples which the industry certainly wouldn’t approve of. It was the best part of the MAMA’s for sure. You certainly wouldn’t be able to be on his lap with his hand parked on your bare thigh.

“Bet you didn’t think you’d be think you’d be handing out the award to your boyfriend did ya” Jimin asked, cheeks flushed out with alcohol.

“Actually I had no doubt you’d get it, you’re smashing this industry with a sledgehammer and It couldn’t happen to a better bunch of guys”

“Thank you Y/N but please go back to being the sarcastic, high maintenance woman we know and love, you’ve had way too much to drink”

You shoved Jungkook knocking the cheek out of him. You got yourself up and made your way to the ladies room. Evil plan ready for you to execute; stepping out of your thong and scrunching it in your hand before heading back to the buzzing room, the live band filling the room with all the songs from the last few years. Side stepping and dodging through the sea of inebriated idols you finally got to your table. You resumed your position on Yoongi’s lap pushing your behind down into his lap harder than you needed too; shielding your hand shoving the underwear into his hand like it was normal as you carried on talking to Hobi about god knows what. Yoongi stole a glance as to what’s been gifted to him. His grip on your thigh tightened at the recognition. His hand slid in his pocket exchanging your underwear for his phone. You opened your phone at this vibration

-If we’re not back in our room sharpish I will not be responsible for my actions-

Another vibration.

-I need you in that dress-

You read the texts, not replying on purpose plonking your phone on the table. Yoongi’s hand that was nursing his glass grew tighter. His hand moved further up your thigh unapologetically. You grabbed it standing up removing any more temptation.

“Well I’m going to call it a night guys. I can’t deal with Jin’s dads joke anymore” you teased, Jin flipped you off in retaliation.

“I can say I agree” Yoongi agreed standing up holding your hand; Jimin noticed.

“Yeah sure, we all know why your checking out early” Jimin teased. You were too influenced by alcohol to be embarrassed.

“And what Park Jimin? I can tell you now his hips would even give yours a run for your money.

“ooooooooooo” Jungkook oooed with the others joining in. Jimin shrugged back leaning on the table defeated erupting in giggles. Yoongi shook his head concealing the chuckle funnelling through his lips practically dragging you away before you embarrassed him even more.

“I’m just going to go apologise to Wonho, I’ll meet you by the elevator”

Apparently when you passed out Wonho was the one to catch you and take you to the side room. When Yoongi had rushed in you were conscious again but only just; you were still unresponsive. Yoongi had asked immediately what was wrong and what happened. Wonho knowing you and exactly what it probably was responded ‘She’s fine, she just wouldn’t have eaten’ to which Yoongi snapped back ‘Well that’s not exactly fine is it, get out!’ You remembered hearing a harsh tone which you now know belonged to Yoongi.

“You did not compare my hip movements to Jimin’s”

“It… it just came out, I’m sorry” You laughed stepping into the elevator. Giggles carrying on as you leant against the back on the mirror.

“You definitely will be” Flushing his body against yours as the doors dinged shut.

“What? You going to get those hips working?” you teased smirking at each other before he punished you with a hot kiss. You pulled at his shirt needing every part of him as close to you as humanly possible. The heat that flooded every inch you when he was flush against you.

“Aren’t we going to talk about earlier?” His forehead leaning on yours, hands cradling yours.

“Leave that until tomorrow plleeaaasseee” you whined.

“I promise we’ll talk about it, I just need you first” you added.

“Well I better make you sure don’t have the energy to get out of bed for a while then”

You dragged him into you by his tie pressing you against the desk in the hotel room. His lips showering yours with attention, his hands preoccupied smoothly gliding up the outside of both of your thighs dragging it over your behind.

“You smell and look sooo good” Inhaling at your neck, the exhale heating your skin already flushed with heat; result of the alcohol and the need for him. His fingertips now up the inside of your thigh. The anticipation had you gripping harder your already balled fist entangling the chest of his white shirt. His jacket already shed on the floor. You hand gripped his wrist.

“Uh uh” you teased

“Not yet” His eyes rolled, bottom lip pushed out.

“Don’t pout” you scolded. You pushed him giving yourself room to escape to grab a chair round the oak wood table and placed it facing the bed. He waited obediently for you to fetch him by his tie; shoving him into the chair stepping yourself over one of his thighs. You began fiddling his tie un-done; his eyes following your movements with a diligent gaze, hoping to get a glimpse of where you were going.

“Hands behind your back” Eye flashing excited gazing up at you. You tightened the tie at his wrists.

“I’ve happily imagined having you tied up to a chair since you released Agust D” you confessed. His head shot up contorted with a raised eyebrow

“I can think you’re an asshole and still want to fuck you” justifying yourself. He smirked with approval.

“You know when I’ve had a drink my patience and control over myself sucks, please tell what you’re planning, I’m already desperate …”

“Well this will be frustrating for you then” straddling one of his thighs teasing each and every one of his button undone. Giving you access to the milky skin beneath. Nails scratching down his torso; faint red trails down his stomach.

“You really are a tease you know that”

“Would you want me any other way?”

He responded with silence.

“Thought so, you’re going to watch me get myself off” His head shot straight to your direction as you sat on the edge of the bed crossing your legs.

“Wh…”

“But you’re going to tell me how to do it” you interjected as you stood

“Dress on or off” already clasping at the zip.

“On” your eyebrow cocked in response.

“If anyone’s going to strip that dress off you it’s going to be me” You shrugged your shoulders loosely and slid yourself on the bed, holding his gaze tightly with yours.

“Shall I start here” placing your hand on the inside of your thigh

“Mmmhmm go slowly higher” you did. Depending on how desperate he was will influence how much he will tease and torture you. Generally when he’s tipsy he’ll torture you until you’re near enough crying with desperation for any contact which he normally denies you; when he’s past tipsy he’s impatient. It’s a dangerous line you love to walk.

“Tell me how wet you are for me”

So he’s way past tipsy

His eyes were raging with nothing but fire yet the way he was fidgeting told you he was struggling. And you hadn’t even done anything yet.

“How desperate are you to know?” Teasing yourself, you were so wet; and he’d hardly done anything as well as you.

“Please baby” he whined

“I need to know”

He was right

“Wet enough for you to come and fuck me right now” your words dousing the fire in his eyes with petrol

He was not expecting that.

You ran your fingers slowly through your arousal, not patient enough to have no contact but patient enough to go slow until he’d finished picking his jaw up from the floor.

“Go in slow circles baby, I love watching you get impatient”

He kept you doing slow circles for far too long. The asshole always did it, seeing you slowly build, craving anything harder and faster; he thrived on it. You’d curse and whine but when the orgasm ripped through you, all that slow build released in an instant always had you thanking him.

He said nothing; eyes fixated on only you. You’d fully laid on the bed doing as he asked.

“Yoongi” you whined, the fabric of your dress becoming uncomfortable at your heating skin.

“Mmmhmm” he replied

“Please give me more” You didn’t need more, the spring at your centre was already tightening; you wanted nothing more.

He ignored your request and remained silent. Eyes taking everything in; how your back was arching off the bed, how your whines became longer and more breathless. He let you carry on until your legs began to quiver

“Stop!” You did but more out of surprise than actual obedience.

“I’m not giving you that baby, you know that’s mine”

You’d never tell him but you loved how selfish he’d become; every orgasm he wanted to steal from you. He wanted each one to be caused by him. It killed him to go away and you made damn sure you teased him and drove him crazy when he was; he made damn sure he got you back when you were home.

“You’re cruel!” you panted in defeat hauling yourself off the bed. You straddled his waist the bulge in his trousers pressing against your throbbing core and rocked a few times; stealing a soft moan past your lips.

“And you’re not? He countered.

Fair point

“Tell me why I should untie you?” sucking in your bottom lip

“Because you love it when I fuck you so hard that you scream my name and I can’t do that if I’m tied to a chair can I and I’ve been good for you”

He was not wrong and he knew it.

Kissing him you went behind him and pulled at the knot releasing him. You slid the shirt of his shoulders. He left and made his way to the balcony door unclicking the lock.

What the fuck, now is not the time to get some air

“You coming?” his expression gave nothing away, looking as calm and stoic as he does when resting.

In a huff you crossed your arms pouting

“I thought you were going to fuck me? You’re making me regret untying you”

“I am…on the balcony, so get yourself out here before I drag you out” You stood their blank, your body preparing for the adrenaline you felt start to heat up. You took a few seconds of pondering the consequences of getting caught, before your body took over and went out putting its needs above your better judgement. The sea of still orange hued lights mingled with the specs of headlights moving slowly through the streets.

If you wasn’t so desperate you’d have felt the chill of the breeze lazily swaying in the air. The second your foot hit the cold stone floor you were dragged and pushed hard against the rails, his frustration apparent. Nails biting harder through your dress; hands running up the slit of your dress less than delicately. The tips of your hands tugging at the base of his hair at his neck keeping his lips harsh against yours.

“You’re so wet for me, and you didn’t let me have it” He purred into you.

“It’s all yours now” you dragged his hand through how much you needed him. Your sigh was captured in his mouth, he pressed himself against your body harder pleased with the result.

“You’re just so impatient” you teased. His hand switching and taking control of yours and near enough threw you round pressing your stomach firmly against the cold barrier; hands automatically bracing round the bar as he shoved your dress up and over your ass.

“What if someone see’s, our neighbours have balconies to you know” your voice pitching higher at the end when his hand came down harsh; stinging your behind. Part of you was too far gone to care who saw, but your rational side knew it would be an absolute media shit storm.

“They’ll only see if we take too long, and there’s no way that’s happening baby” his belt brushed against your behind unhooked and undone as he relieved himself from his trousers.

“Don’t you dare ask me if I’m ready Min Yoongi” you warned needing everything from him right now.

“Done” he obliged pulling your hips backs; perfect angle for him to thrust into you.

“You feel so fucking sweet” he panted through a heavy breath.

“Shut up and just make me cum already” you commanded, pushing back into him. You were met with a violent tug your neck was strained, hair pulled back.

“Now who’s impatient” You wordlessly responded clenching around him. His head knocked into the top of your shoulders; faltering.

“God you’re going to end me one of these days” he gurgled at your neck. Time was a non-existent factor, neither of you needed long, the anger, the passion, the alcohol saw to that.

“Tell me your close, cum for me” he panted; knowing he was not going to be able to keep going for much longer.

“Ask me again” you whined, releasing your hand from the rails and ran them up to your clit. His hips starting to buck unevenly.

“Please fucking cum for me, I want to feel you shake around me as you cum…undone” he stuttered.

You were done, crying out expletives into the brisk night whining his name.

“Jesu…”

You were both done. Adrenaline pouring out you. You’d just let one of the biggest hip hop idols fuck you on the balcony of your hotel; and you didn’t get caught.

“I take it we’ve made up fully now” you enquired in a half chuckle.

“I could never stay mad at you. I just want you to be happy, with me and within yourself. Promise me we’ll work on this”

The pair of you looked less like animals and more of a couple enjoying the ethereal skyline together. You were in his arms, gazing into his blown out eyes. Both of your chests slowing down bit by bit.

“I love it when you’re soppy; if only army knew just how much” you toyed. He nudged you from the side.

“I promise I’ll try, be patient with me” finally accepting now you was in the unit with him you needed to sort your shit out.

“Well never stop being a complete closet softie and fucking me like that and we’ll be fine” quickly coating over the seriousness with cheek and humour. Your star move.

“I better start making sure I leave my studio a bit earlier then, can’t have you going without what your incredible ass deserves can I” he tucked your hair behind your ear, resting his forehead against yours.

“Well if I knew all it took for you to say that was me slipping some underwear to you in public I would have done it sooner. You pushed your hands against his chest. Your body fully drained of adrenaline; the pinch of the freeing air was beginning to feel harsh against your skin. He shot you a defeated smirk as you walked past heading in to the warmth of the room.

“I’m going to replace this dress with fluffy pyjama’s seeing as you can’t resist me in it”

He Followed your footsteps into the warmth.

“Baby I can’t resist you in anything, especially! your pink unicorn pyjamas”

“If your hinting for round two you can forget it, I’m exhausted” His hand pinched at your zip unlatching the metal teeth with the other hand edging round your hip.

“I thought that was a pretty good try for me” You Slipped out of the snug dress, it pooling at the floor round your ankles. You unhooked your bra and quickly snuggled yourself in your fluffy top. A mocking wolf whistle left his lips. The daggers you shot him were broken down by your lips which couldn’t do anything but find his sarcasm amusing.

“Fuck you Yoongi” you sniped. Your bag thudding on the floor. Knowing the fake seriousness was non-existed in your pyjama top and nothing else

“Yeah?” He closed the space between you with rapid predator steps. The lack of time stole you your chance to defend yourself. You squealed as you were shoved onto the bed hands pinned above your head.

“I know you’re tired you so I just want you to lay back and let me take care of you, I do promise you’ll be even more tired after you’ve had me between your legs. I just want to hear you whine for me once more” Your eye’s shone brightly absorbing the sparkle that danced in his.

“God I love you” you breathed. His hand trickling over your chest under your top blossoming the goosebumps in a trail of where his hands had been

“But if you don’t hold me all god damn night after this I’ll…” He cut you off, the kiss was hot, hard but full of need and want with a undertone of softness he’d reserved only for you.

“If you take this off I will” He tugged at your jumper lifting it up giving him access to clamp his lips over one of your buds.

“I thought you couldn’t resist me in it?” You teased, his kisses going lower.

“Your skin against mine though feels much better”

“Fine! Now are you going to make me victim of your tongue technology or not”

“You know damn well I will”

#ksmutclub #BTS #networkbangtan #mygsnet #kpopwonderlandtag #bts smut #bts min yoongi #yoongi #sub-bts-network #conjecture #yoongi x reader

128 notes · View notes

imitranslates · 5 years

Text

Fukigen na Mononokean Ch. 74

Abeno and Ashiya’s meeting with the Underworld Princess continues!

Please remember to check out the official English release when it comes out, preferably on Crunchyroll if you’re able to!

The newest chapter can be read on the official website by clicking the yellow button labeled 読む!

Fukigen na Mononokean Chapter 74 - Supporting Promise

Page 2

Ashiya: Go look for

Aoi-san in the...

Page 3

Ashiya: .......

[There's zero chance of them being alive.]

[...But there isn't any proof that they died.

It might be a ridiculous bet, but there's enough reason to try looking for them...!]

Princess: Cough.

Ashiya: (I want to look for Aoi-san!)

[Abeno-san is definitely interested,

so he'll listen to the Princess's wishes--]

Princess: (coughing).

Page 4

Princess: Cough.

(But... there's zero chance of them being alive.)

(Parasitic shrub is an incurable illness.)

(Once cursed, its roots infest the body until it drains all of the victim's power.)

Ashiya: ......

[I want to believe that they're alive, but... If I think about it realistically under those circumstances,

The scene we'll surely lay our eyes on is...]

Page 5

[If we go into the forest, we have to be properly prepared for that...]

Princess: (coughing)

Abeno: ...I accept.

Abeno: I shall travel to the forest to look for Aoi.

Page 6

Abeno: ...However.

I have one condition for conducting the search.

Abeno: I want you to consider this the first and final search for Aoi.

Ashiya: !?

Princess: ...Eh?

Princess: Why...?

Page 7

Abeno: That's...

Abeno: !?

Ashiya: UWAH?!

Fox: Kon!

Ashiya: The Princess's medicine!

Page 8

Fox: Konkon!

Fox: !?

Fox: Kon!?

Abeno&Ashiya: !?

Page 9

Fox: Kon!

Kon!

Abeno: Princess, is there something wrong?

Princess: I... I'm fine. I'll make a full recovery soon, so there's nothing to worry...

Cough, cough...

Fox: Kon...

Fox: Konkon!

Abeno: ......

Ashiya: She sounds pretty disturbed... I wonder if she's really okay?

Ashiya: Maybe her condition worsened while she was talking to us...

Abeno: .......

Page 10

Ashiya: !

Fox: Kon!

Princess: (coughing)

Abeno: Forgive me for my rudeness, but

Please allow me to confirm your condition with my own eyes.

Princess: !

Princess: There is no need for that. There's nothing wrong with my condition....

Abeno: Speaking as your subordinate, Princess, that doesn't appear to be true.

If you would rather refuse, I will go retrieve Koura with the Mononokean.

Page 11

Princess: ...Cough...

Princess: ...I understand.

Princess: Raise the curtain.

Fox: Kon!

Page 12

Ashiya: !?

Page 13

Fox: Kon...

Abeno: !

Ashiya: Wh!

Ashiya: She's crying!?

Abeno: Where are you in pain...?

Princess: No, it's not that...

Ashiya: Were you scared when Abeno-san forcefully demanded to examine you?

Princess: It's not that either...

Page 14

Princess: Up until now... I've never spoken my true feelings about Aoi's situation.

I'm simply overcome with emotion now that I've finally spoken it out loud.

Ashiya: .....!

Princess: Normally I would consult with the three officials about my concerns.

Princess: But they don't think that Aoi is still alive.

Page 15

Princess: I couldn't bear to cause dissent among the officials and I, so I acted as though I agreed with them.

Because of that, it's difficult to express my wish to search for Aoi in front of them...

Ashiya: So that's why you had the Justice leave.

Princess: Yes...

Princess: ...But, when I heard that there was someone who also believed in Aoi's survival, I wanted to meet them.

And moreover, that person had a deep connection to Aoi and became the second master of the Mononokean...

Princess: I thought I might be able to expose my true feelings without lying to you.

Page 16

(...It looks like you're also holding on to lingering hope,

(So I don't want to give in just to seem reasonable right now...!)

Princess: I don't want to give up on searching for Aoi until we find them.

Princess: Please let me hear why you want it to be the first and final search.

Page 17

Abeno: I've already thoroughly searched all the places I can.

Princess: !?

Abeno: In the end, I haven't been able to find Aoi's remains, nor any clues to where they were.

The forest is vast, so I can't claim with certainty that I didn't miss anything. That's the reason why I will conduct another search.

Page 18

Abeno: However, whatever outcome I reach at the end of my search will surely be final. No matter how many dozens of times I scour the area afterward, I believe the results will remain the same.

Abeno: ...Besides, if they're unharmed and alive, they would have come back on their own.

Princess: ...If you believe Aoi is alive, that means you're waiting for them to return, rather than searching for them...

Page 19

Fox: Kon!

Page 20

Princess: What you're saying is probably correct.

Searching until we find them was a reckless and poorly planned suggestion...

Princess: And conducting the search while maintaining the Mononokean's primary duty of coexistence would be difficult as well...

Princess: ......

Princess: ...But I can't accept this as the first and last search!

Princess: I don't want to give up until we find Aoi!!

Page 21

Abeno&Ashiya: !?

Abeno: I understand your feelings, but you should reconsider...

Princess: I don't want to!

Abeno: Even given your position, I can't promise something I cannot do...

Princess: I don't want to!

Abeno: Then, I have to refuse this request.

Princess: No way!

Ashiya: ("No way"!?)

Ashiya: (The Underworld Princess... Is this her last attempt at resistance? She's kicking up a fuss...)

(Ashiya: Her way of rebelling is just like Yahiko's... They really are siblings.)

Abeno: .....

Ashiya: (And I can feel a silent pressure on my back!!)

Ashiya: (I hear a threatening voice saying, "Don't just sit there, convince her! You're the babysitter!" Is it an auditory hallucination...?!)

Page 22

Ashiya: ...Please.

Ashiya: I want to search for Aoi as well, so

Could you accept that condition?

Princess: !

Page 23

Ashiya: Abeno-san really will refuse your request if you don't agree to those terms.

If that happens, I'll have to obey Abeno-san as the Mononokean's employee.

(And that would be disappointing...)

Ashiya: You don't want that either, right, Underworld Princess?

Princess: ......

Princess: Will this really be the first and last, no matter what?

Ashiya: No matter what... Princess.

Page 24

Ashiya: If you don't limit the search like that,

Abeno-san won't have any confidence in himself.

Abeno: !

Abeno: ......

Princess: !?

Princess: ......

...I see.

Princess: I was merely insisting things on my own without being considerate of him.

Page 25

[If that condition isn't to make me give up,

but a limit meant to restrict himself instead]

[Then I suppose my selfishness won't be allowed...]

[I was able to freely to express my feelings about Aoi that have been swirling in my heart for years... That's enough for me...

No matter the result, I should entrust it to these two.]

Page 26

Princess: I heard something from Aoi a long time ago.

When you make a promise in the Mundane world, you "pinky swear," correct?

Ashiya: !

Princess: I promise.

Princess: My request will be the first and last.

Page 27

Princess: Please go to the forest to search for that child.

Page 28

Abeno: Very well.

Page 29

Abeno: I humbly accept your request, Princess.

Page 30

Princess: Take care during your journey.

Princess: I shall leave Aoi to you.

#fukigen na mononokean translation #fukigen na mononokean #The Morose Mononokean #fukigen na mononokean 74 #fukigen na mononokean chapter 74 #manga translation

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marshmallow-phd · 5 years

Text

Sins of the Father

Genre: Mafia Au

Pairing: Junmyeon x Reader

Summary: Soon after your second birthday, your parents were killed and you were adopted by your father’s best friend, taken away to their home country where you lived your life in peaceful ignorance. As far a as you knew, your parents simply left you large fortune to be released to you once you reached your twenty-third birthday. At least, that’s all you thought you were inheriting. When a famously ruthless mafia boss discovers your existence, you are left at his mercy. While under his roof, you learn more about your father than you ever wished you had, including the part of your inheritance that made you the most valuable person in the underworld. Hidden in a bank in New York City were files that held the darkest secrets of the mafia families and everyone in their pocket. With another terrifying leader’s eyes trained on you, you’ll learn to watch your back… and guard your heart, before your father’s past becomes your doom.

Part: 1 I 2 I 3 I 4 I 5 I 6 I 7 I 8 I 9 I 10 I 11 I 12 I 13 I 14 I 15 I 16 I Final

You didn’t get to have that insightful dinner with Mr. Martin. Junko insisted on leaving for Korea right away and the jet was ready to go before the sun began to set on the horizon. Less than twenty-four hours you’d spent in the one place you could have really been able to know your parents, but you couldn’t find it in yourself to be sorry about it. Hopefully, you’d have another chance in the future. If not, then that was just your fate.

Over and over, your father’s words echoed in your mind. The way his eyes softened when he told you that he loved you, that you were the most precious thing in the world to him. If anyone else had told you that he’d said that, you would have laughed in their face. There was no fathomable reason he would feel that way about you.

And yet, you’d judged the man too quickly. You’d made assumptions about someone that you never knew, who worked so hard to bring you into this world. The only way you could right your thoughts and make it up to him was by fulfilling his last request: to not let Junko get ahold of the files.

Right now, as you pretended to be asleep, Junko was pouring himself over the fake files by the dim overhead light from the jet’s ceiling, ignoring the beautiful sight of the darkened sea below. He took in every word like it was the holy script, murmuring unintelligibly to himself, marking certain key phrases and paragraphs with a red pen. Eventually, you drifted off to the sound of fluttering paper.

You were awoken rather roughly when the plane landed back home over fourteen hours later. There was no gentleness as the bodyguards escorted you off the plane and into the waiting car. Junko said nothing to you, simply rubbing his eyes with his thumb and forefinger. Apparently, he hadn’t gone to sleep at all, too obsessed with memorizing the details of the files that were now locked safely away in the briefcase by his feet to bother with the important human function. It may be a little petty, but you thought the least you deserved was a “thank you”. Threat or no threat, you still got him what he wanted. A little appreciation would have been nice.

You scoffed at yourself internally. There you were, pouting about not being thanked when you were planning on sabotaging him.

After you arrived back at the mansion, Junko split off from you, heading in the opposite direction of the bedroom on the second floor, briefcase in hand. Shaking your head, you kept on until you reached the bed. You collapsed on top of the covers, barely putting in the effort to remove your shoes before falling asleep once again.

You hardly saw Junko over the course of the next few days. The few glimpses of him you did get were just in passing, making him seem like a ghost haunting the hallways that you could only glimpse at from the corner of your eye. In a way, you were overly relieved that he was spending so much of his time absorbing the files in what room you could only guess was his study. You never woke up to him next to you in the bed again. If he was sleeping there beside you during some point in the night, at least you were never aware of it.

Even though you hardly saw Junko, his presence, the fact that he was still near, was always constant. The flash drive had stayed hidden in your purse. You’d through about putting the purse away, but thought better of it. If it was discovered, someone would be extremely curious as to why it was being hidden and most likely would go through it, ruining your golden hand.

Granted, having the flash drive was only part of the lineup. You needed to somehow get the drive to Junmyeon. But you were locked up in this stupid mansion, eyes watching you whether they were obvious or not. Servants and guards were constantly in passing by or glancing your way, taking in every move you made. Reflecting suspicion would be hard enough given your lack of poker face without you also trying to play super spy.

This morning at breakfast, however, you might have been given your chance.

“Junko wanted me to inform you that he’ll be out of the house most of the day, but will join you for dinner tonight.”

Looking up from your breakfast, you noticed Quan – one of Junko’s favorite guards – standing at the other end of the table. While he may have been high on Junko’s list of trusted associates, he had been a bit kinder to you than the others. Sure, that margin of kindness was slim, but a little could go a long way in your book.

You nodded. “Thank you, Quan.”

He bowed his head and left the dining hall.

The wheels in your head began to turn as you forced yourself to slowly finish up your breakfast. Scarfing it down might raise the alarms, sentencing you to your room before you’d gotten your chance. A weight was now gone, giving you a lighter feel as you thought about your next course of action. During the day, you’d usually waste away in front of the TV or walk around the pool in a pathetic attempt at some exercise. But now you could explore. Not out of wonder, but in order to find a possible computer or office where you could think of your next step. Getting in touch with Junmyeon might still be difficult, but you had to try.

Plate finally empty, you rose from your chair, and left the dining hall, a maid servant rushing behind you to clear the away the mess. Back in your room, you dug through your purse, fighting the urge to look over your shoulder every five seconds. With the flash drive now in your hand, you flipped it over continuously, contemplating where to hide it. Then you put it in the one place you knew you could get away with. The plastic poked at your skin, but it was perfectly hidden under your loose blouse, held in place by the cup of your bra. You cringed a little at the fact that you’d slipped it in there rather than your pocket, but you needed it in a place that couldn’t be seen even just by a glance.

You knew your time was limited. However, you still had to take it slow. Hightailing it straight to the study would get you in hot water. So, instead, you wandered the halls, poking your head into different rooms, pretending to just be exploring and familiarizing yourself with the house. You did this for about an hour or so, nodding to the maids as you passed them by, even stopping by the kitchen for a quick snack. Then, you gave in.

The door to the study squeaked as you slowly pushed it open, the hinges crying out desperately to be oiled back to perfection. Your heart was holding onto all your nervousness, releasing it only enough to pound in your ears. As quietly as you could, you walked across the thick carpet towards the imposing desk. No personal items decorated the area, making it seem more like a display at a furniture store or showroom rather than the office of a mafia leader who was proud of his family.

Slowly, you lowered yourself into the leather chair and turned to face the computer. Your jaw dropped.

The screen was open to the desktop, no locks or screensavers to prevent any unwanted eyes from skimming through its secrets. Was this a trap? Would Junko really leave himself vulnerable like this? He had to have turned off the sleep mode in order for it to still be up like this. Or the computer was recently used within the last fifteen minutes. But who else would have been in here?

You pushed the thought away. Right now, you needed to focus on sending the files to Junmyeon. Unfortunately, you didn’t know how to do that. There had to be some way to send it to his phone using only his number, right? Thank goodness you’d taken the time to memorize his number in case of emergencies.

You started to click on the internet icon to try and find a way to do that when a folder caught your eye labeled with your last name. Logic would have told you to hurry and find how to send the information to Junmyeon and then click on the folder. But logic hadn’t driven your actions for a long time.

Double clicking to open the folder, you were met with rows and rows of saved emails, screenshots, and even a few voice files, presumably from phone calls with your father. You clicked on one of the emails lower on the list, dated a few months before your parents’ death. Skimming over the paragraphs, you concluded that your father was wanting to back out on his deal with Junko’s father involving you marrying his son.

She’s my little girl, Lee. I watch her grow every day. I want her to live life the way she chooses. If she chooses Junko on her own, for good reasons, then I’ll let her go. But I prefer for her not to be involved in this life. When I look at her, I see all the possibilities, all the paths she could go down. I can’t limit her to a life of standing next to your son, surrounded by bodyguards and never able to go about how she pleases. That’s not a life. So, please, reconsider. I’m begging you.

Underneath that was simple, one sentence reply.

Deals are meant to be kept or there will be consequences.

Your father was one hundred percent right to be weary of the Lees. There was no doubt that Junko’s father meant his little warning.

That should have been where you stopped. That should have been where you closed the file and found a way to Junmyeon’s phone. But you didn’t. Because at the very bottom, the very last little square had that telltale triangle in the corner. What footage was being held behind that icon?

The curiosity was too strong to fight and you opened the file. It gave you one last chance to turn around, but you clicked play anyway.

Before you on the screen was footage from an old surveillance camera pointed at an intersection. Everything was fuzzy and age showed through the simple black and white images, but you could still recognize your parents standing under the streetlamp, waiting for the crosswalk signal to turn and allow them to continue on their way. It was dark, late at night, like the night your parents died.

As soon as the walking man was glowing, your father started to walk your mother across the way. Out the bottom of the screen, a black car zoomed into frame, striking your parents down and hitting them hard enough to send them flying back several feet. You gasped at the impact, trying to quiet the noise with your hand as you watched in horror.

After coming to a stop, the man in the car stepped out, walking casually over to your parents and checking each of their necks for a pulse. Satisfied with his work, he turned, waved at the camera and drove away scot-free.

They were murdered. Just like your father had assumed in his video. There never was a drunk driver who got scared and ran away. It was all deliberate. The man who you were now forced to live with was the son of the man who took your family away. Was that your curse? To constantly have your family, your safe space taken away from you by the Lee’s? Would you ever truly be free of them?

“All choices have consequences. Some a little harsher than others.”

You gasped and turned in the seat.

Junko was leaning up against the opened door, inspecting his fingernails. How did you not hear that squeaky door with his arrival?

“Your father was warned about what would happen if he went back on the deal,” Junko said, as if he were talking about a child being scolded for stealing a cookie from the forbidden jar. “He made his choice.”

“I am not a piece of property to be bargained with,” you spat. “And your father was a monster that-”

Junko charged forward, pushing your chair back until he hovered over you, a hand on each armrest to lock you in. Fear pulsed through you as his eyes bore down into yours. They were filled with fire and if you weren’t careful, you were going to burn up into ash.

Through clenched teeth, he hissed, “You don’t know anything about my father. He is the only reason that you even exist. Maybe you should learn from your father’s mistakes and be grateful for that fact.” Straightening up, he exited out of the folder and sighed. “Too bad you couldn’t pass my little test. Now you’ll have someone with you at all times. Especially at the party tomorrow night.”

“Party?” you gaped at him. “What party?”

“Oh, just a little function for the different families. A place for business deals and negotiations. I’ll have a dress and shoes for you tomorrow afternoon that I expect you to wear. Until then, perhaps you should just stay in our room, hm?” He headed out for the door, stopping just before the hallway to throw over his shoulder, “And remember: you’re never fully dressed without a smile.”

Junko kept his promise to keep you locked up in his room. Breakfast and lunch were brought to you on a trays, though you couldn’t really bring yourself to eat much of either meal. Your brain was too focused on what Junko had said. This party was supposed to be for the “families”. Being well versed in their lingo by now, you knew he was talking about the different mafia groups.

Which meant Junmyeon might be there.

Junko had warned that a guard would be on you at all times, but if the venue was crowded enough, you were sure you could manage to get away. The real trick would be getting the flash drive to the party in the first place.

When the dress and shoes arrived around one o’clock, you started to sweat. It was very much a dress meant to show you off, like a freaking trophy. Its golden chiffon cloth was shaped to cling to your every curve, the back fully exposed, the thinnest of straps holding it all together. You were already dreading having to wear it. But a little relief was granted when the maid said that the hair dresser wouldn’t be around for another few hours, giving you some more time to prepare.

There was nowhere in the dress for you to even think about hiding the drive. Your saving grace, however, was the shoes. Rather than the stick thin heels you’d been expecting, the dress came with a golden wedges. An idea that definitely was stolen from too many spy movies formulated in your head. Taking one of the heels, you shut yourself in the bathroom, searching for your razor. It was a struggle to break the plastic apart without cutting yourself, but eventually you got the blades free and turned to the shoe.

Slowly, you cut away at the bottom of the shoe, over and over again in a rough rectangle big enough to hold the drive in place. Soon enough, you were able to break through into the hollow space. Perfect.

Now rummaging through the cabinet under the sink, you pulled out the one box you were sure no one would ever think to look in. Before you moved in, a maid must have remembered that you would need certain products and had them stocked in the bathroom for you. While you hadn’t needed to open the box for that specific bodily function yet, you did find it handy in hiding the flash drive. It was an easy switch from the box to the wedge and the bottom was staying securely in place.

You barely made it back in time to pretend that you were just looking at the shoe when the hairdresser and her assistant – the same ones from your wedding day – entered the room without even knocking. You obeyed each request they had, closing your eyes when they asked, stopping your fidgeting when it became too much. Before you knew it, the torture was over.

Junko simply gave you a once over as you descended the stairs, approving with a curt nod before lending you his arm and escorting you to the car waiting outside. Apparently, the idea of being a happy couple in love – or maybe you just being a submissive wife – was beginning to fade from Junko’s mind. Or maybe he just had other more important things on his mind. Either way, you were happy as he left you alone to your own thoughts on the ride to the venue.

Secrecy was not a priority this time around from what you gathered.

The “party” was being held in one of the grand hotels of the city, valets waiting patiently outside to direct the drivers on where to park the cars while the guests were let out right in front of the grand stairs. Junko was quick to jump out of the car, rounding it to help you out as well. Neither of you smiled or acknowledged any other patrons as you ascended the stairs and entered the hotel.

The ballroom occupied the entire twelfth floor, even sporting balconies on each side. Over a hundred people were already milling about the space, chatting and sizing each other up in small gatherings as they sipped at the drinks in their hands. Junko dragged you from group to group, introducing you as his wife and smirking when someone recognized your name. Yes, he’d finally gotten what he wanted, but if you had anything to say about it, he wouldn’t have much to brag about for too much longer.

While Junko was feigning laughter at an older gentleman’s terrible joke, your eyes were scanning the crowds, searching desperately for Junmyeon. Then your heart sped up.

Towering over a majority of the crowd was a familiar crop of firetruck red hair.

Chanyeol!

You had to bite down on your bottom lip to keep yourself from screaming out for the gentle giant who’d promised to keep you safe. As much as you wanted it, him marching over here and snatching you away wasn’t the brightest move. Besides, you wanted – no, you needed to see Junmyeon.

One by one, shuffling through the crowd, you saw each of the boys, save their leader. None of them were talking or laughing with the other families. They seemed more like zombies, just wandering the floor, careful not to bump into anyone. Where was-

There!

You barely caught a glimpse of Junmyeon sneaking out onto the left side balcony. You needed to get to him, but how did you lose the guard whose eyes were glued to the back of your head?

Cradling your lower stomach, you scrunched your face up as if you were in pain. “Junko,” you whispered, adding a groan into your tone. “I don’t feel well.”

“You’re not going home,” he hissed quietly, still maintaining the welcoming smile on his face.

“Just five minutes in the bathroom,” you pleaded.

His eyes flickered to one of the guards and then he nodded. “Fine. Five minutes.”

Quan ended up being the one to follow you to the bathroom. Any warm feelings you’d had towards him were long gone after he lied to you about Junko being out of the house. But you didn’t run away from him, keeping close until you reached the women’s restroom. It was located in a small enclave near the back of the ballroom, out of the way and easily hidden. You watched Quan back up so he wasn’t blocking the narrow entrance from others who wished to use the wash rooms before pushing open the door.

Once alone, you didn’t know what to do from there. You needed to hurry before Junmyeon left the balcony and your chance was missed. Then your opportunity came in the form a group of women who all entered the bathroom at the same time, laughing about their wonderful luck in dates tonight. You stepped out of the way as they took over the mirror space, primping and fixing their hair and makeup, which wasn’t out of place to begin with from what you could tell.

When they were done, you made your move.

Crowding in as closely as you could to them, you tried to blend in and go unseen as you all exited the bathroom. Walking past Quan without your name being called or pulled out of the group seemed to mean that it worked.

Once you were far enough away from the restrooms, you split off from the group, squeezing through to the other side of the crowd until you reached the same door that Junmyeon had passed through. He was still there on that balcony, leaning his forearms against the railing as his head hung low from his shoulders.

“Junmyeon!” You couldn’t stop yourself from running towards him. At the sound of his name, he turned around, shock dropping his jaw and widening his eyes as you threw your arms around him and buried your face in his chest. But while you held your vice tight around him, he never lifted his arms to hug you back. Looking up at him, you frowned. “Junmyeon?”

Composing his face and releasing a heavy sigh, Junmyeon gripped your arms and gently pushed you away. “What are you doing here, (y/n)?”

You pulled your eyebrows together, unable to understand why he was acting this way. “Junko brought me, probably to-”

“I didn’t mean here at the hotel,” he interrupted. “I meant out here? You should be inside with your husband. He wouldn’t want other people to talk.”

Was that what this was? An attempt to avoid arousing attention. Shaking your head, you took off your wedged heel and pulled out the homemade compartment. “Listen. My father put the real files on this drive. He had fake files made, the ones I gave to Junko. You can take this drive while Junko thinks he has the real ones. That should give you plenty of time.” You held out the small plastic device for him to take, but he didn’t.

His eyes were down on your open palm, his face unreadable. When he finally met your own gaze, he said, “Go back inside, (y/n). Junko will come looking for you soon.”

You dropped your hand to your side. How could he act so distant all of a sudden? “What is going on with you? I’m trying to give you what you’ve wanted this whole time. To help you. Did he… do something to you?”

“A man recognizes when he’s lost, (y/n).”

“You haven’t lost!” you yelled. “Why are you giving up?”

“Because he knows it’s useless.” Junko walked up behind you, snaking an arm around your waist and pulling you in close. With his other hand, he forced your fist open and took the drive, giving you a kiss on the cheek before putting it away in his pocket.

Junmyeon stayed stone face through the whole thing. “Congratulations, Junko.”

“Just like school, Junmyeon,” Junko purred. “Some things never change. I’m glad to know you’ve finally learned that.”

Taking a few steps forward so he was now nearly shoulder to shoulder with you, Junmyeon whispered, “Just accept the hand you’ve been dealt. Perhaps, it was always meant to go this way.” Leaving you with that, he walked back inside.

You tried to turn around to go after him, but Junko kept you firmly by his side.

“Quan?” he called out. “Take (y/n) home. I think everyone here is now fully aware of the power I hold.”

With a tight grip on your arm, Quan pulled you away and back into the ballroom. He didn’t glance at you once as he all but dragged you out of the hotel. You huffed when he put you in the back seat of the car, crossing your arms.

You were so confused. What happened to all those promises to protect you? To always come for you when you called out to him? Were they really all so empty? Were they the true definition of sweet nothings? You’d put so much faith in him, relied on the fact that you thought he would come to your rescue. Never would you have imagined that he would just stare at the physical manifestation of his ultimate goal. The goal he’d originally took you in for. How could he let it go so easily? How could he let you go without so much as a fight?

As soon as you were alone in your room, you shuffled over to the window, still in a daze. The moon shined down from the cloudless sky, giving you enough light to see by. You fell down to your knees, staying like that for a second before shifting back so you could bring your knees up to your chest.

And I promise you this: whenever you ask for me, I’ll be there.

You scoffed. “You’re a liar, Kim Junmyeon.”

The tears began to flow down your face and you didn’t bother to try and stop them. Instead, burying your face in your knees while the world that you thought you knew came crashing down around you.

#exo #exo fanfic #exo fanfiction #exo mafia au #exo mafia!au #junmyeon x reader #kim junmyeon #suho #exo gang au #exo gang!au #exo series #exo scenarios #Sins of the Father

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blackkudos · 4 years

Text

Sarah Vaughan

Sarah Lois Vaughan (March 27, 1924 – April 3, 1990) was an American jazz singer.

Nicknamed "Sassy" and "The Divine One", she won four Grammy Awards, including the Lifetime Achievement Award. She was given an NEA Jazz Masters Award in 1989. Critic Scott Yanow wrote that she had "one of the most wondrous voices of the 20th century".

Early life

Vaughan's father, Asbury "Jake" Vaughan, was a carpenter by trade and played guitar and piano. Her mother, Ada Vaughan, was a laundress who sang in the church choir. The Vaughans lived in a house on Brunswick Street in Newark for Vaughan's entire childhood. Jake was deeply religious. The family was active in New Mount Zion Baptist Church at 186 Thomas Street. Vaughan began piano lessons at the age of seven, sang in the church choir, and played piano for rehearsals and services.

She developed an early love for popular music on records and the radio. In the 1930s, she frequently saw local and touring bands at the Montgomery Street Skating Rink. By her mid-teens, she began venturing illegally into Newark's night clubs and performing as a pianist and singer at the Piccadilly Club and the Newark Airport.

Vaughan attended East Side High School, then transferred to Newark Arts High School, which opened in 1931. As her nocturnal adventures as a performer overwhelmed her academic pursuits, she dropped out of high school during her junior year to concentrate on music.

Career

1942–43: Early career

Vaughan was frequently accompanied by a friend, Doris Robinson, on her trips into New York City. In the fall of 1942, by which time she was 18 years old, Vaughan suggested that Robinson enter the Apollo Theater Amateur Night contest. Vaughan played piano accompaniment for Robinson, who won second prize. Vaughan later decided to go back and compete as a singer herself. She sang "Body and Soul", and won—although the date of this victorious performance is uncertain. The prize, as Vaughan recalled to Marian McPartland, was $10 and the promise of a week's engagement at the Apollo. On November 20, 1942, she returned to the Apollo to open for Ella Fitzgerald.

During her week of performances at the Apollo, Vaughan was introduced to bandleader and pianist Earl Hines, although the details of that introduction are disputed. Billy Eckstine, Hines' singer at the time, has been credited by Vaughan and others with hearing her at the Apollo and recommending her to Hines. Hines claimed later to have discovered her himself and offered her a job on the spot. After a brief tryout at the Apollo, Hines replaced his female singer with Vaughan on April 4, 1943.

1943–44: Earl Hines and Billy Eckstine

Vaughan spent the remainder of 1943 and part of 1944 touring the country with the Earl Hines big band, which featured Billy Eckstine. She was hired as a pianist so Hines could hire her under the jurisdiction of the musicians' union (American Federation of Musicians) rather than the singers union (American Guild of Variety Artists). But after Cliff Smalls joined the band as a trombonist and pianist, her duties were limited to singing. The Earl Hines band in this period is remembered as an incubator of bebop, as it included trumpeter Dizzy Gillespie, saxophonist Charlie Parker (playing tenor saxophone rather than alto), and trombonist Bennie Green. Gillespie arranged for the band, although the contemporary recording ban by the musicians' union meant that no commercial recordings exist.

Eckstine quit the Hines band in late 1943 and formed a big band with Gillespie, leaving Hines to become the band's musical director. Parker joined Eckstine, and over the next few years the band included Gene Ammons, Art Blakey, Miles Davis, Kenny Dorham, Dexter Gordon, and Lucky Thompson. Vaughan accepted Eckstine's invitation to join his band in 1944, giving her the opportunity to record for the first time on December 5, 1944, on the song. "I'll Wait and Pray" for De Luxe. Critic and producer Leonard Feather asked her to record later that month for Continental with a septet that included Dizzy Gillespie and Georgie Auld. She left the Eckstine band in late 1944 to pursue a solo career, although she remained close to Eckstine and recorded with him frequently.

Pianist John Malachi is credited with giving Vaughan the moniker "Sassy", a nickname that matched her personality. She liked it, and the name and its shortened variant "Sass" stuck with colleagues and the press. In written communications, Vaughan often spelled it "Sassie".

1945–48: Early solo career

Vaughan began her solo career in 1945 by freelancing on 52nd Street in New York City at the Three Deuces, the Famous Door, the Downbeat, and the Onyx Club. She spent time at Braddock Grill next to the Apollo Theater in Harlem. On May 11, 1945, she recorded "Lover Man" for Guild with a quintet featuring Gillespie and Parker with Al Haig on piano, Curly Russell on double bass, and Sid Catlett on drums. Later that month, she went into the studio with a slightly different and larger Gillespie/Parker aggregation and recorded three more sides.

After being invited by violinist Stuff Smith to record the song "Time and Again" in October 1945, Vaughan was offered a contract to record for Musicraft by owner Albert Marx, although she would not begin recording as a leader for Musicraft until May 7, 1946. In the intervening time, she recorded for Crown and Gotham and began performing regularly at Café Society Downtown, an integrated club in New York's Sheridan Square.

While at Café Society, Vaughan became friends with trumpeter George Treadwell, who became her manager. She delegated to him most of the musical director responsibilities for her recording sessions, allowing her to concentrate on singing. Over the next few years, Treadwell made changes in Vaughan's stage appearance. Aside from a new wardrobe and hair style, she had her teeth capped, eliminating a gap between her two front teeth.

Her recordings for Musicraft included "If You Could See Me Now" (written and arranged by Tadd Dameron), "Don't Blame Me", "I've Got a Crush on You", "Everything I Have Is Yours" and "Body and Soul". With Vaughan and Treadwell's professional relationship on solid footing, the couple married on September 16, 1946.

In 1947, Vaughan performed at the third Cavalcade of Jazz concert held at Wrigley Field in Los Angeles which was produced by Leon Hefflin, Sr. on September 7, 1947. The Valdez Orchestra, The Blenders, T-Bone Walker, Slim Gaillard, The Honeydrippers, Johnny Otis and his Orchestra, Woody Herman, and the Three Blazers also performed that same day.

Vaughan's recording success for Musicraft continued through 1947 and 1948. Her recording of "Tenderly"—she was proud to be the first to have recorded that jazz standard—became an unexpected pop hit in late 1947. Her December 27, 1947, recording of "It's Magic" (from the Doris Day film Romance on the High Seas) found chart success in early 1948. Her recording of "Nature Boy" from April 8, 1948, became a hit around the time the popular Nat King Cole version was released. Because of a second recording ban by the musicians' union, "Nature Boy" was recorded with an a cappella choir.

1948–53: Stardom and the Columbia years

The musicians' union ban pushed Musicraft to the brink of bankruptcy. Vaughan used the missed royalty payments as an opportunity to sign with the larger Columbia record label. After the settling of legal issues, her chart successes continued with "Black Coffee" in the summer of 1949. While at Columbia through 1953, she was steered almost exclusively to commercial pop ballads, several with success on the charts: "That Lucky Old Sun", "Make Believe (You Are Glad When You're Sorry)", "I'm Crazy to Love You", "Our Very Own", "I Love the Guy", "Thinking of You" (with pianist Bud Powell), "I Cried for You", "These Things I Offer You", "Vanity", "I Ran All the Way Home", "Saint or Sinner", "My Tormented Heart", and "Time".

She won Esquire magazine's New Star Award for 1947, awards from Down Beat magazine from 1947 to 1952, and from Metronome magazine from 1948 to 1953. Recording and critical success led to performing opportunities, with Vaughan singing to large crowds in clubs around the country during the late 1940s and early 1950s. In the summer of 1949, she made her first appearance with a symphony orchestra in a benefit for the Philadelphia Orchestra entitled "100 Men and a Girl." Around this time, Chicago disk jockey Dave Garroway coined a second nickname for her, "The Divine One", that would follow her throughout her career. One of her early television appearances was on DuMont's variety show Stars on Parade (1953–54) in which she sang "My Funny Valentine" and "Linger Awhile".

In 1949, with their finances improving, Vaughan and Treadwell bought a three-story house on 21 Avon Avenue in Newark, occupying the top floor during their increasingly rare off-hours at home and moving Vaughan's parents to the lower two floors. However, business pressures and personality conflicts led to a cooling in Treadwell and Vaughan's relationship. Treadwell hired a road manager to handle her touring needs and opened a management office in Manhattan so he could work with other clients.

Vaughan's relationship with Columbia soured as she became dissatisfied with the commercial material and its lackluster financial success. She made some small-group recordings in 1950 with Miles Davis and Bennie Green, but they were atypical of what she recorded for Columbia.

Radio

In 1949, Vaughan had a radio program, Songs by Sarah Vaughan, on WMGM in New York City. The 15-minute shows were broadcast in the evenings on Wednesday through Sunday from The Clique Club, described as "rendezvous of the bebop crowd." She was accompanied by George Shearing on piano, Oscar Pettiford on double bass, and Kenny Clarke on drums.

1954–59: Mercury years

In 1953, Treadwell negotiated a contract for Vaughan with Mercury in which she would record commercial material for Mercury and jazz-oriented material for its subsidiary, EmArcy. She was paired with producer Bob Shad, and their working relationship yielded commercial and artistic success. Her debut recording session at Mercury took place in February 1954. She remained with Mercury through 1959. After recording for Roulette from 1960 to 1963, she returned to Mercury from 1964 to 1967.

Her commercial success at Mercury began with the 1954 hit "Make Yourself Comfortable", recorded in the fall of 1954, and continued with "How Important Can It Be" (with Count Basie), "Whatever Lola Wants", "The Banana Boat Song", "You Ought to Have a Wife", and "Misty". Her commercial success peaked in 1959 with "Broken Hearted Melody", a song she considered "corny" which nevertheless became her first gold record, and a regular part of her concert repertoire for years to come. Vaughan was reunited with Billy Eckstine for a series of duet recordings in 1957 that yielded the hit "Passing Strangers". Her commercial recordings were handled by a number of arrangers and conductors, primarily Hugo Peretti and Hal Mooney.

The jazz "track" of her recording career proceeded apace, backed either by her working trio or combinations of jazz musicians. One of her favorite albums was a 1954 sextet date that included Clifford Brown.

In the latter half of the 1950s she followed a schedule of almost non-stop touring. She was featured at the first Newport Jazz Festival in the summer of 1954 and starred in subsequent editions of that festival at Newport and in New York City for the remainder of her life. In the fall of 1954, she performed at Carnegie Hall with the Count Basie Orchestra on a bill that also included Billie Holiday, Charlie Parker, Lester Young and the Modern Jazz Quartet. That fall, she again toured Europe before embarking on a "Big Show" U.S. tour, a succession of performances that included Count Basie, George Shearing, Erroll Garner and Jimmy Rushing. At the 1955 New York Jazz Festival on Randalls Island, Vaughan shared the bill with the Dave Brubeck quartet, Horace Silver, Jimmy Smith, and the Johnny Richards Orchestra.

Although the professional relationship between Vaughan and Treadwell was quite successful through the 1950s, their personal relationship finally reached a breaking point and she filed for a divorce in 1958. Vaughan had entirely delegated financial matters to Treadwell, and despite significant income figures reported through the 1950s, at the settlement Treadwell said that only $16,000 remained. The couple evenly divided the amount and their personal assets, terminating their business relationship.

1959–69: Atkins and Roulette

The exit of Treadwell from Vaughan's life was precipitated by the entry of Clyde "C.B." Atkins, a man of uncertain background whom she had met in Chicago and married on September 4, 1959. Although Atkins had no experience in artist management or music, Vaughan wished to have a mixed professional and personal relationship like the one she had with Treadwell. She made Atkins her manager, although she was still feeling the sting of the problems she had with Treadwell and initially kept a closer eye on Atkins. Vaughan and Atkins moved into a house in Englewood, New Jersey.

When Vaughan's contract with Mercury ended in late 1959, she signed on with Roulette, a small label owned by Morris Levy, who was one of the backers of Birdland, where she frequently appeared. She began recording for Roulette in April 1960, making a string of large ensemble albums arranged or conducted by Billy May, Jimmy Jones, Joe Reisman, Quincy Jones, Benny Carter, Lalo Schifrin, and Gerald Wilson. She had pop chart success in 1960 with "Serenata" on Roulette and "Eternally" and "You're My Baby", a couple of residual tracks from her Mercury contract. She recorded After Hours (1961) with guitarist Mundell Lowe and double bassist George Duvivier and Sarah + 2 (1962) with guitarist Barney Kessel and double bassist Joe Comfort.

In 1961 Vaughan and Atkins adopted a daughter, Deborah Lois Atkins, known professionally as Paris Vaughan. However, the relationship with Atkins proved difficult and violent. After several incidents, she filed for divorce in November 1963. She turned to two friends to help sort out the financial affairs of the marriage. Club owner John "Preacher" Wells, a childhood acquaintance, and Clyde "Pumpkin" Golden Jr. discovered that Atkins' gambling and spending had put Vaughan around $150,000 in debt. The Englewood house was seized by the IRS for nonpayment of taxes. Vaughan retained custody of their child and Golden took Atkins' place as Vaughan's manager and lover for the remainder of the decade.

When her contract with Roulette ended in 1963, Vaughan returned to the more familiar confines of Mercury. In the summer of 1963, she went to Denmark with producer Quincy Jones to record Sassy Swings the Tivoli, an album of live performances with her trio. During the next year, she made her first appearance at White House for President Lyndon Johnson. The Tivoli recording would be the brightest moment of her second stint with Mercury. Changing demographics and tastes in the 1960s left jazz musicians with shrinking audiences and inappropriate material. Although she retained a following large and loyal enough to maintain her career, the quality and quantity of her recorded output dwindled as her voice darkened and her skill remained undiminished. At the conclusion of her Mercury deal in 1967, she lacked a recording contract for the remainder of the decade.

1970–82: Fisher and Mainstream

In 1971, at the Tropicana in Las Vegas, Marshall Fisher was a concession stand employee and fan when he was introduced to Sarah Vaughan. They were attracted to each other immediately. Fisher moved in with her in Los Angeles. Although he was white and seven years older, he got along with her friends and family. Although he had no experience in the music business, he became her road manager, then personal manager. But unlike other men and managers, Fisher was devoted to her and meticulously managed her career and treated her well. He wrote love poems to her.

In 1971, Bob Shad, who had worked with her as producer at Mercury, asked her to record for his label, Mainstream, which he had founded after leaving Mercury. Breaking a four-year hiatus, Vaughan signed a contract with Mainstream and returned to the studio for A Time in My Life, a step away from jazz into pop music with songs by Bob Dylan, John Lennon, and Marvin Gaye arranged by Ernie Wilkins. She didn't complain about this eclectic change in direction, but she chose the material for her next album after admiring the work of Michel Legrand. He conducted an orchestra of over one hundred musicians for Sarah Vaughan with Michel Legrand, an album of compositions by Legrand with lyrics by Alan and Marilyn Bergman. The songs brought some of the musicians to tears during the sessions. But Shad wanted a hit, and the album yielded none. She sang a version of the pop hit "Rainy Days and Mondays" by the Carpenters for Feelin' Good. This was followed by Live in Japan, her first live album since 1963. Sarah Vaughan and the Jimmy Rowles Quintet (1974) was more experimental, containing free improvisation and some unconventional scatting.

Send in the Clowns was another attempt to increase sales by breaking into the pop music market. Vaughan disliked the songs and hated the album cover depicting a clown with an afro. She filed a lawsuit against Shad in 1975 on the belief that the cover was inconsistent with the formal, sophisticated image she projected on stage. She also contended that the album Sarah Vaughan: Live at the Holiday Inn Lesotho had an incorrect title and that Shad had been harming her career. Although she disliked the album, she liked the song "Send in the Clowns" written by Steven Sondheim for the musical A Little Night Music. She learned it on piano, made many changes with the help of pianist Carl Schroeder, and it became her signature song.

In 1974, she performed music by George Gershwin at the Hollywood Bowl with the Los Angeles Philharmonic. The orchestra was conducted by Michael Tilson Thomas, who was a fan of Vaughan and invited her to perform. Thomas and Vaughan repeated the performance with Thomas' home orchestra in Buffalo, New York, followed by appearances in 1975 and 1976 with other symphony orchestras in the United States.

After leaving Mainstream, she signed with Atlantic and worked on an album of songs by John Lennon and Paul McCartney that were arranged by Marty Paich and his son, David Paich of the rock band Toto. She was enthusiastic to be more involved in the making of an album, but Atlantic rejected it on the claim that it contained no hits. "I don't know how they can recognize hits in advance", she said. Atlantic canceled her contract. She said, "I don't give a damn about record companies any more".

Rio and Norman Granz

In 1977, filmmaker Thomas Guy followed Vaughan on tour to film the documentary Listen to the Sun. She traveled throughout South America: Argentina, Columbia, Chile, Ecuador, and Peru. She was enamored of Brazil, as this was her third tour of Brazil in six years. In the documentary she called the city of Rio "the greatest place I think I've ever been on earth". Audiences were so enthusiastic that she said, "I don't believe they like me that much." After rejection by Atlantic, she wanted to try producing her own album of Brazilian music. She asked Aloísio de Oliveira to run the sessions and recorded I Love Brazil! with Milton Nascimento, Jose Roberto Bertrami, Dorival Caymmi, and Antonio Carlos Jobim.

She had an album but no label to release it, so she signed to Pablo run by Norman Granz. She had known Granz since 1948 when she performed on one of his Jazz at the Philharmonic tours. He was the record producer and manager for Ella Fitzgerald and the owner of Verve. After selling Verve, he started Pablo. He was dedicated to acoustic, mainstream jazz and had recorded Count Basie, Duke Ellington, and Clark Terry. In 1978 he recorded Vaughan's How Long Has This Been Going On?, a set of jazz standards with veteran jazz musicians Oscar Peterson, Joe Pass, Ray Brown, and Louis Bellson. The album was nominated for a Grammy Award. Pablo released I Love Brazil! and it, too, was nominated for a Grammy.

1982–89: Late career

In the summer of 1980 she received a plaque on 52nd Street outside the CBS Building (Black Rock) commemorating the jazz clubs she had once frequented on "Swing Street" and which had long since been replaced with office buildings. A performance of her symphonic Gershwin program with the New Jersey Symphony in 1980 was broadcast on PBS and won her an Emmy Award the next year for Individual Achievement, Special Class. She was reunited in 1982 with Tilson Thomas for a modified version of the Gershwin program, played again by the Los Angeles Philharmonic but this time in its home hall, the Dorothy Chandler Pavilion; the CBS recording of the concert Gershwin Live! won a Grammy for Best Jazz Vocal Performance, Female.

After the end of her contract with Pablo in 1982, she committed to a limited number of studio recordings. She made a guest appearance in 1984 on Barry Manilow's 2:00 AM Paradise Cafe, an album of pastiche compositions with established jazz musicians. In 1984, she participated in The Planet is Alive, Let It Live a symphonic piece composed by Tito Fontana and Sante Palumbo on Italian translations of Polish poems by Karol Wojtyla, better known as Pope John Paul II. The recording was made in Germany with an English translation by writer Gene Lees and was released by Lees on his private label after the recording was rejected by the major labels.

In 1985 Vaughan reconnected with her longstanding, continually growing European audience during a celebratory concert at the Chatelet Theater in Paris. Released posthumously on the Justin Time label, In the City of Lights is a two-disc recording of the concert, which covers the highlights of Vaughan's career while capturing a beloved singer at the height of her powers. Thanks in part to the hard-swinging telepathic support of pianist Frank Collett (who answers each of her challenges then coaxes the same from her), Sarah reprises Tad Dameron's "If You Could See Me Now" with uncommon power, her breathstream effecting a seamless connection between chorus and bridge. For the Gershwin Medley, drummer Harold Jones swaps his brushes for sticks to match energy and forcefulness that does not let up until the last of many encores.

In 1986, Vaughan sang "Happy Talk" and "Bali Ha'i" in the role of Bloody Mary on a studio recording by Kiri Te Kanawa and José Carreras of the score of the Broadway musical South Pacific, while sitting on the studio floor. Vaughan's final album was Brazilian Romance, produced by Sérgio Mendes with songs by Milton Nascimento and Dori Caymmi. It was recorded primarily in the early part of 1987 in New York and Detroit. In 1988, she contributed vocals to an album of Christmas carols recorded by the Mormon Tabernacle Choir with the Utah Symphony Orchestra and sold in Hallmark Cards stores. In 1989, Quincy Jones' album Back on the Block included Vaughan in a brief scatting duet with Ella Fitzgerald. This was her final studio recording. It was her only studio recording with Fitzgerald in a career that had begun 46 years earlier opening for Fitzgerald at the Apollo.

The video Sarah Vaughan Live from Monterey was taped in 1983 or 1984 with her trio and guest soloists. Sass and Brass was taped in 1986 in New Orleans with guests Dizzy Gillespie and Maynard Ferguson. Sarah Vaughan: The Divine One was part of the American Masters series on PBS. Also in 1986, on Independence Day in a program nationally televised on PBS she performed with the National Symphony Orchestra conducted by Mstislav Rostropovich, in a medley of songs composed by George Gershwin.

Death

In 1989, Vaughan's health began to decline, although she rarely revealed any hints of this in her performances. She canceled a series of engagements in Europe in 1989, citing the need to seek treatment for arthritis of the hand, although she was able to complete a series of performances in Japan. During a run at New York's Blue Note Jazz Club in 1989, she was diagnosed with lung cancer and was too ill to finish the last day of what would turn out to be her final series of public performances.

Vaughan returned to her home in California to begin chemotherapy and spent her final months alternating stays in the hospital and at home. She grew weary of the struggle and demanded to be taken home, where at the age of 66 she died on the evening of April 3, 1990, while watching a television movie featuring her daughter.

Her funeral was held at Mount Zion Baptist Church, 208 Broadway in Newark, New Jersey. Following the ceremony, a horse-drawn carriage transported her body to Glendale Cemetery, Bloomfield in New Jersey.

Comments about her voice

Parallels have been drawn between Vaughan's voice and that of opera singers. Jazz singer Betty Carter said that with training Vaughan could have "...gone as far as Leontyne Price." Bob James, Vaughan's musical director in the 1960s said that "...the instrument was there. But the knowledge, the legitimacy of that whole world were not for her ... But if the aria were in Sarah's range she could bring something to it that a classically trained singer could not."

In a chapter devoted to Vaughan in his book Visions of Jazz (2000), critic Gary Giddins described her as the "...ageless voice of modern jazz – of giddy postwar virtuosity, biting wit and fearless caprice". He concluded by saying that "No matter how closely we dissect the particulars of her talent ... we must inevitably end up contemplating in silent awe the most phenomenal of her attributes, the one she was handed at birth, the voice that happens once in a lifetime, perhaps once in several lifetimes."

Her obituary in The New York Times described her as a "singer who brought an operatic splendor to her performances of popular standards and jazz." Jazz singer Mel Tormé said that she had "...the single best vocal instrument of any singer working in the popular field." Her ability was envied by Frank Sinatra who said, "Sassy is so good now that when I listen to her I want to cut my wrists with a dull razor." New York Times critic John S. Wilson said in 1957 that she possessed "what may well be the finest voice ever applied to jazz." It was close to its peak until shortly before her death at the age of 66. Late in life she retained a "youthful suppleness and remarkably luscious timbre" and was capable of the projection of coloratura passages described as "delicate and ringingly high".

Vaughan had a large vocal range of soprano through a female baritone, exceptional body, volume, a variety of vocal textures, and superb and highly personal vocal control. Her ear and sense of pitch were almost perfect, and there were no difficult intervals.

In her later years her voice was described as a "burnished contralto" and as her voice deepened with age her lower register was described as having "shades from a gruff baritone into a rich, juicy contralto". Her use of her contralto register was likened to "dipping into a deep, mysterious well to scoop up a trove of buried riches." Musicologist Henry Pleasants noted, "Vaughan who sings easily down to a contralto low D, ascends to a pure and accurate [soprano] high C."

Vaughan's vibrato was described as "an ornament of uniquely flexible size, shape and duration," a vibrato described as "voluptuous" and "heavy" Vaughan was accomplished in her ability to "fray" or "bend" notes at the extremities of her vocal range. It was noted in a 1972 performance of Leslie Bricusse and Lionel Bart's "Where Is Love?" that "In mid-tune she began twisting the song, swinging from the incredible cello tones of her bottom register, skyrocketing to the wispy pianissimos of her top."

She held a microphone in live performance, using its placement as part of her performance. Her placings of the microphone allowed her to complement her volume and vocal texture, often holding the microphone at arm's length and moving it to alter her volume.

She frequently used the song "Send in the Clowns" to demonstrate her vocal abilities in live performance. The performance was called a "three-octave tour de force of semi-improvisational pyrotechnics in which the jazz, pop and operatic sides of her musical personality came together and found complete expression" by The New York Times.

Singers influenced by Vaughan include Phoebe Snow, Anita Baker, Sade, and Rickie Lee Jones. Singers Carmen McRae and Dianne Reeves both recorded tribute albums to Vaughan following her death; Sarah: Dedicated to You (1991) and The Calling: Celebrating Sarah Vaughan (2001) respectively.

Though usually considered a jazz singer, Vaughan avoided classifying herself as one. She discussed the term in a 1982 interview for Down Beat:

I don't know why people call me a jazz singer, though I guess people associate me with jazz because I was raised in it, from way back. I'm not putting jazz down, but I'm not a jazz singer ... I've recorded all kinds of music, but (to them) I'm either a jazz singer or a blues singer. I can't sing a blues – just a right-out blues – but I can put the blues in whatever I sing. I might sing 'Send In the Clowns' and I might stick a little bluesy part in it, or any song. What I want to do, music-wise, is all kinds of music that I like, and I like all kinds of music.

Personal life

Vaughan was married three times: to George Treadwell (1946–1958), to Clyde Atkins (1958–1961), and to Waymon Reed (1978–1981). Unable to bear children, Vaughan adopted a baby girl (Debra Lois) in 1961. Debra worked in the 1980s and 1990s as an actress under the name Paris Vaughan.

In 1977, Vaughan ended her personal and professional relationship with Marshall Fisher. Although Fisher is occasionally referenced as Vaughan's third husband, they were never legally married. Vaughan began a relationship with Waymon Reed, a trumpet player 16 years her junior who was playing with the Count Basie band. Reed joined her working trio as a musical director and trumpet player, and became her third husband in 1978.

She was a member of the Zeta Phi Beta sorority.

Awards and honors

The album Sarah Vaughan with Clifford Brown and the single "If You Could See Me Now" were inducted into the Grammy Hall of Fame, an award established in 1973 to honor recordings that are at least twenty-five years old and have "qualitative or historical significance." In 1985 she received a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, and in 1988 she was inducted into the American Jazz Hall of Fame.

In 1978, she was given an Honorary Doctorate of Music by Berklee College of Music.

In 2012, she was inducted into the New Jersey Hall of Fame. In 2004–2006, New Jersey Transit paid tribute to Vaughan in the design of its Newark Light Rail stations. Passengers stopping at any station on this line can read the lyrics to "Body and Soul" along the edge of the station platform.

She was given the George and Ira Gershwin Award for Lifetime Musical Achievement, UCLA Spring Sing.

San Francisco and Berkeley, California, made March 27 Sarah Lois Vaughan Day.

#03/27 #04/03

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drlauralwalsh · 4 years

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The Lusty World of Lesbian Widows

I’m really frustrated that COVID has gotten in the way of my grief achievements. I figured 3 months in, I’d be doing the television talk show circuit, sold my book, and set up a non-profit foundation. If only this pandemic hadn’t gotten in my way.

In my life before, if I spent too much time alone (like, over 4 hours), I’d start texting my sister-in-law that I was unsupervised and feral. Uh oh. I’d start going down rabbit holes and come up with weird stuff like how buff male kangaroos get. Or questioning if my parents were really married since I couldn’t find a record of their union in the limited online databases. I could have paid for real records but I’m cheap. I know, sounds crazy.

But now, I’m alone for long stretches of time. I’ve managed to channel some of this agitated energy into writing essays that speak to weirdos like me (shout out to my fellow weirdos!). I spend hours researching (me-searching as we said in grad school) and discovering overachieving methods to dam the waters of my new spouse-less life.

I’m not just your average widow. Oh no no no. Of course, I have to be special so allow me to tack on some extra layers - lesbian, stepmom, and young (-ish, right?). At 45, I have finally found a way to inch back towards the youth and relevance lost as you enter the fourth decade of life. Today, I’d like to let you into the wonders of lesbianism.

I’m going to assume you’re not submerged in this subculture so I’ll tell you some secrets. People are fascinated by lesbians. To be fair, we live pretty mysterious lives. We leave you hanging on profound questions like who takes out the trash and how do they have sex without a woody woodpecker? Sometimes, other communities get lumped in with us but they are actually quite different. Of these witches, spinsters, and women who wear comfortable shoes, I only belong to only one of those so far. I’m working on my stovetop skills and hope to someday conjure a penis. Not a real one; that would be weird.

Amazon’s book market best represents the variable interests of our fan club members. Right after my wife died, I launched a search for books on “lesbian widows.” You’d think the algorithms would have pegged me by now (ha ha). I was dismayed yet amused by the grand interpretation of what Amazon thought I meant. The following is an unedited list of the top books recommended for me to purchase under these auspicious terms:

Lesbian Widows: Invisible Grief

by Victoria Whipple (Kindle $25.98, Paperback $46.95, Hardcover $907.71)

I’m impressed that the first one actually included my search terms but dang, it’s expensive to be a lesbian widow. To be fair, you can rent it for $9.21 a month. It’s also terribly niche within an already small niche - invisible lesbian widows? Published in 2014, you’d think it would be a little more hip. Maybe it’s because I live in Chicago but even as an introvert, I’m decently visible. Still, glad it exists and appeals to all eight people who each gave it a 5-star rating.

The Care and Feeding of Waspish Widows: Feminine Pursuits

by Olivia Waite (Kindle $3.99, Paperback $6.99)

I must quote the basic plot description for you to get the full impact of this novel: “The last thing the widow wants is to be the victim of a thousand bees. But when a beautiful beekeeper arrives to take care of the pests, Agatha may be in danger of being stung by something far more dangerous…” The cover depicts said wapish widow sit/leaning against her handsome, pants suit-clad beekeeper. At the much less expensive price for kindle and paperback, I’m only slightly put off by labeling bees as pests.

Odd women?: Spinsters, lesbians and widows in British women's fiction, 1850s–1930s

by Emma Liggins (Kindle $73.24, Hardcover $95.00)

The period is a little off but at least it includes diverse, international women. I was looking for a self help book but this seems slightly more academic. Not sure why there’s a question mark in the title as there’s no question about our oddity. The description reads, “Women outside heterosexual marriage in this period were seen as abnormal, superfluous, incomplete and threatening, yet were also hailed as ‘women of the future’.” Aw shucks, I *am* ahead of my time. Dang that price tag! No renting option for this one.

The Grass Widow

by Nanci Little (Kindle $0.00, Paperback $14.95)

It’s unclear where we’ll find the lesbian widow in this 2010 novel but the description yields some mild foreshadowing: “As a familiar civilization fades into the distance, she is nineteen, unmarried and pregnant, and has no reason to think that the year 1876 won't be her last...Joss, in her brother's clothes and severely lacking in social graces, has no time to mollycoddle a pampered, pregnant New England lady. It's work or starve, literally. There are no servants, no laborers - just a failing farm, impending winter and the two of them to face it together.” It sounds like the shameless Joss needs her own dose of mollycoddling (wink, wink) to get through the chilly nights.

Her Widow

by Joan Alden (Paperback $18.00)

More popular with 10 people giving it an almost stellar rating, this tomb’s immodest summary insists it belongs on every bookshelf. YOU WILL PAY ATTENTION TO US! That’s how I read it. Seriously, of all the books this one comes the closest to what I actually wanted. Waiting for the kindle unlimited edition….(having no man money makes us frugal).

Made For You 3

by K. Shantel (Kindle $4.99)

Apparently, Made For You 1 and 2 were not as popular. Despite the fair price, this tale omits widows opting for the groundbreaking combination of lesbian romance and football. While tragedy surely threads through this plot, it falls short of crossing the threshold from football to death (it probably does). Shocker, I defy the sporty lesbian trope and instead prefer to spend time among my vast, treasured collection of power tools. Just to be clear, I mean the ones for home repair (get your mind out of the gutter!) If the lady protagonists of this book had been thrown together building a Habitat for Humanity house with their 10 dogs using only their Subaru to transport lumber, I might be more captivated.

The Lady's Guide to Celestial Mechanics, Book 1 of 1: Feminine Pursuits Series

by Olivia Waite (Kindle $3.99, Paperback $6.99)

I’ll give the author the benefit of believing there are more to come in the series. The title of this one intrigues me (I may steal it later) but sadly, it also defaults to worn stereotypes. This collection of lesbian tropes finds my kin scoring yet another toaster for the conversion of a hapless straight lady. Lesbians for the win! Lady Reads-A-Lot gave it 5 stars and commented, “This was poetic and lovely, full of beautiful descriptions that knew exactly how to leave you breathless and then stop just before tipping into tedious.” I’m guessing she means the sex scenes? If you’ve ever watched any real lesbian porn, you know that it’s far better for the participants than the viewers.

Erotica: The Forbidden Adventures Of A Grieving Widow (Seduction, Lust, Lesbian Sex, Interracial Sex, Bondage and More)

by Amy King (Kindle $0.00)

This one is hands down, my favorite title and you can’t beat the price. The author keeps the marketing short to sell you her novel: “All Ava wanted was to erase the memory of her recently departed husband. Little did she know that in trying to do so, she would experience mind-blowing adventures and lust across the globe. Ava would never be the same again as she ravenously eats up whatever adventure blows her way.” Even though it’s another toaster novel, as a grieving widow ‘ravenously eats up’ does resonate. I don’t think she means jars of cookie butter.

Of the eight masterpieces on the list, five are romance novels, one is academic, and two are in the ballpark (excuse the sports metaphor). Scrolling further only yields more erotica including another novel titled, “Football Widows (lesbian)” by Amanda Mann and Deadlier Than the Male Publications. Now I get it that we make up a small percentage of the population but this is some seriously messed up shit.

Removing the lesbian and searching only for ‘widow’ yields twenty pages of books. I know what you’re thinking - “C’mon Laura, what’s the big deal? Just get the standard widow book.” And believe me, I’ve amassed quite the collection and am waiting for just the right intersection of not too devastated but ready to sob. Bear with me for a sec - think about how we just want to be seen when we’re at our lowest. When I first typed those words into the search bar, I just wanted something that used wife instead of husband.

Every grief has specific salient elements and it’s too super niche to touch on all at the same time. It would be weird and/or maybe nice to find another lesbian widow stepmom psychologist who lost her cop wife of almost 5 years to a PTSD-induced psychotic break and suicide. That’s a Subaru full of identities. If this person did exist, I’d be suspicious we’re the target on Incel trolls, longing to read the words of more seductive, witchy lesbians. Instead, I plan on taking the high road. I’ll get my knowledge and support from those who accept me by the category. Obviously, one out of one lezzies agree there’s a market for lesbian widow self help guides - at the right price. I may still write that book but if I want to get rich, I’ll definitely have to add more sex scenes.

#lesbian #widow #amazon #books #humor

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psychodollyuniverse · 4 years

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The Long Blondes

The Long Blondes were a five-piece English indie rock band formed in Sheffield, United Kingdom in 2003 by Dorian Cox (lead guitar and keyboards), Reenie Hollis (real name Kathryn Hollis) (bass guitar and backing vocals), Emma Chaplin (rhythm guitar, keyboards and backing vocals), Kate Jackson (lead vocals) and Screech Louder (real name Mark Turvey, drums).

After several critically acclaimed singles, they released their debut album, Someone to Drive You Home, on Rough Trade Records in November 2006. Their second album, Couples, was produced by Erol Alkan and released in April 2008. On 20 October 2008, due to the unexpected illness of their primary songwriter and lead guitarist, Dorian Cox, the band announced their amicable split via a message on their website, the same day their singles compilation, "Singles" was released.

The band was formed in 2003 in Sheffield, United Kingdom. All the members were attending, or had attended university in the city.The following quote appeared on their website and served as an introduction to the Long Blondes; "Our shared influences include The Mael Brothers, Marx Brothers and The Bewlay Brothers. We do not listen to The Beatles, The Rolling Stones, Jimi Hendrix, The Doors or Bob Dylan. We chose an instrument each and learnt to play it.".The band have stated that the original inspiration for The Long Blondes was to form a fantasy pop group: "Nico, Nancy Sinatra, Diana Dors and Barbara Windsor. Sexy and literate, flippant and heartbreaking all at once." Singer Kate Jackson was inspired by bands with front women like Siouxsie and the Banshees and Blondie.

In July 2004, The Long Blondes released their debut single "New Idols" on the local Thee Sheffield Phonographic Corporation label. This was followed by singles "Autonomy Boy" and "Giddy Stratospheres", on Angular. In 2005, they released further singles, "Appropriation (By Any Other Name)" and "Separated By Motorways", the latter being produced by Paul Epworth and released on his own Good & Evil label. These releases were met with a positive critical reaction and growing media attention

Still unsigned, in February 2006 the band were recipients of the NME Philip Hall Radar Award, which in previous years was won by Franz Ferdinand and Kaiser Chiefs. Further adding to their reputation, the band were named by The Guardian and Vogue as "the best unsigned band in the UK". As they were unsigned, during the early success of the band, members remained working in various day jobs; Jackson sold vintage clothing on eBay, Cox was working in the University of Sheffield Department of Law, Hollis in the Media Studies department of a nearby college, Chaplin in a Leeds art library and Louder in the Home Office.

On 13 April 2006 they signed to Rough Trade Recordsand began recording their debut album over the summer with Steve Mackey, the bassist with Pulp. The album was preceded by the singles "Weekend Without Makeup" in July and "Once and Never Again", which was released on 23 October and debuted at number 30 in the UK Singles Chart.The song was named the 15th best track of 2006 by NME. Someone to Drive You Home was released in November 2006. The music was written by the band collectively while the majority of the lyrics were written by Cox with Jackson completing the lyrics for "Separated by Motorways" and "Madame Ray". Critical reception was generally positive with the NME calling it "fantasy pop, performed to perfection" in a 9/10 review.Reviews picked up on the predominant themes of the album; outsider status, popular culture references from the 1950s and 60s and relationships from a female perspective. Other reviews indicated the numerous inspirations for the work. For example, a four-star review in The Guardian said that "if talent borrows but genius steals ... the Long Blondes should be taking their Mensa tests", comparing the album's style to Franz Ferdinand and 80s indie-pop band The Flatmates.Some noted the impact of Jackson's voice; Colin Roberts of Drowned In Sound said "her delivery is like a public address call across a Sunday marketplace” while The Guardian said it was "marvellously belting, if unsubtle".A 3-star review in Uncut magazine recognised the ambition of the band's sound, advising that they should acquire "a ruthless pop producer, one who can coax them out of their indie-pop dowdiness – like Blondie needed Mike Chapman, like ABC needed Horn.They appeared at a number of UK festivals over the summer of 2006, including the Carling Weekend. In 2007, they played on the Other Stage at the Glastonbury Festival.

After an extended European tour, in October 2007 The Long Blondes began work on their second album with producer Erol Alkan, who had previously produced their more dance orientated b-sides such as "Five Ways To End It" and "Fulwood Babylon". On 19 December 2007, it was announced that the new album's title would be "Couples". The title alludes to the David Bowie album "Heroes" and also to a loose theme of the album as a "big breakup album". Before the album was released, all five members created their own cryptic promo videos explaining the inspiration behind "Couples".The band stated that the album drew influences from Italo disco revival acts such as Glass Candy and the Italians Do It Better label.and ABBA. Cox stated that "...there's something really innocent about Abba videos... really kinda funny, futuristic but old fashioned at the same time and that's how we see our music on this album.".

"Couples" was released on 7 April 2008, preceded by a single, "Century", released on 24 March 2008. The album reached number 48 in the UK album chart. The album was generally well received by critics. Click Music gave the album a 4.5 out of 5 and said it was "a worthy contender for record of the year".[24] The Guardian gave the album another 4-star review, noting the album's shift in style – saying that some tracks shared "more with the cinematic perfection of Kylie Minogue's "Confide in Me" than the kitchen sink dramas of Pulp". A mixed 6/10 review in NME said the album was "not terrible, but disappointing" and "whereas once they sang of suburban boredom tempered with the thrill of escape, now they’ve started to sound like they’d be happy to stay put".After "Century", the next song to be taken off the album was "Guilt", which was released on 7" and digital download.

On 9 June 2008, the band posted on their official website that Cox had fallen ill and that he had to be rushed to hospital, which meant that they had to cancel all their live appearances until the end of July.The band were due to play a support slot on Duran Duran's Red Carpet Massacre tour at the Birmingham NIA and the O2 Arena in London and on the John Peel stage at Glastonbury.

After "Couples", the band decided to release a compilation of their rare early 7" singles, which was titled "Singles" on 20 October 2008 on Angular Records.The twelve track album collected all of the songs from the band's first singles. The version of "Separated By Motorways" differs from the single version produced by Paul Epworth, instead the group opted to include the demo version instead. The compilation also featured one previously unreleased song – "Peterborough". "Singles" was named the 25th best album of 2008 by Artrocker magazine

On 20 October 2008, Guitarist Dorian Cox posted a message on their official website that the band had split up. The main motivation for the break-up was Cox's stroke in June 2008, which resulted in a swath of cancelled gigs.Cox thanked fans for their support and goodwill. "We have decided to call it a day," he wrote. "The main reason for this is that I suffered from a stroke in June and unfortunately I do not know when/if I will be well enough to play the guitar again. On behalf of the band I'd like to say a big thank you to anyone who ever came to one of our shows, bought one of our records or danced to one of our songs in a club." The announcement was made the same day their compilation "Singles" was released, with the inside of the rear album art also containing news of the break-up. Upon their split, The Guardian wrote an article entitled "Why music will miss the Long Blondes".

It was reported on 1 December 2008 that Cox was undergoing physiotherapy for his paralysis and is still hoping to get back to playing guitar.

Jackson has been working on her debut solo album with producer and ex-Suede guitarist Bernard Butler. She will be working under the name Madame Ray (after the song on Someone To Drive You Home). Jackson has said that the sound of the album first tended towards country rock but has now become a "big pop record". She released the album 'British Road Movies' in early 2016.

Dorian Cox's new band is called Unmade Bed and have made a number of songs available on-line.

Hollis continues to play in The Bon Bon Club, a band she formed with Louder.Their debut single features three cover versions—"Lullaby" by The Cure, "Love Is Blind" by Pulp and "Romantic Rights" by Death From Above 1979. It was released through Thee Sheffield Phonographic Corporation on 23 June 2008. The 7" single was limited to 500 copies.

Hollis also plays with Nature Set and their first single 7" has been published by Elefant Records in 2011.

The Long Blondes' songs reflect a number of influences, including 60s pop, Buzzcocks, The Fall, The Ramones, Suede,post-punk and new wave. Jackson's vocals have been compared to Ari Up of The Slits, Deborah Harry of Blondie and Lesley Woods of Au Pairs[citation needed]. Dorian Cox's backing vocals are also similar to those of former Pulp frontman Jarvis Cocker. The music features angular guitars and prominent bass guitar lines. However, the band themselves claim somewhat more eclectic influences than their sound suggests, citing Burt Bacharach, Holland-Dozier-Holland, Chinn and Chapman, and Stock, Aitken and Waterman as influences. The band named some of their actual influences and favourite bands. Chaplin's were The Smiths, Sweet and The Jesus and Mary Chain. Hollis's were Belle and Sebastian, ELO and The Eagles. Cox's were ABBA and The Fall. Louder's were Scott Walker, The Slits and Captain Beaky. Jackson's were The Smiths, The Fall and Nancy Sinatra and Lee Hazlewood. Screech Louder cited Siouxsie and the Banshees, a group they were likened by the critics.Louder said about them: "[Siouxsie and the Banshees] made much more interesting records than any of the instant hits could manage, and they didn’t run out of ideas after the first few singles. Like Pulp, they’re testament to the power of waiting".

The Long Blondes are known for referencing films, singers, starlets and artists in their music. Screech Louder said that Alfred Hitchcock was a big inspiration when it came to referencing films in their music, he said "the whole film noir thing is very important because it's stylish but there's depth to it as well".

Lyrics

"Appropriation (By Any Other Name)" is a homage to Hitchcock's 1958 film Vertigo. It has been said[by whom?] that the song is told from Judy's perspective, due to lines such as "When I met you, I never wore dresses like that" & "You can't have me, make me act the same". Lead singer Kate Jackson painted two different portraits for the CD single and 7" Vinyl, they both depicted Kim Novak's characters Madeleine Elster and Judy Barton.[41]

"Darts" mentions British darts player Bobby George and darts commentator Sid Waddell.

"Erin O'Connor" is a homage to Erin O'Connor which also mentions fellow model, Lily Cole. It begins with a line by Ronnie Corbett and David Swift from the BBC play No Sex Please, We're British.

"Five Ways To End It" mentions Carry On star Hattie Jacques and also the producer of the Carry On films, Peter Rogers.

"I Liked The Boys" ends with "Not the most original sentiment I've ever heard, so what's new" which is a line from a radio show by Terry Wogan.[22] Whilst recording the second album, they found an old reel-to-reel radio recording and decided to use parts in some of their songs

"I'm Going To Hell" ends with a line by Peter Sellers.

"Long Blonde" mentions punk band Ramones, one of their influences.

"Lust in the Movies" mentions underground actresses such as 60's socialite and muse, Edie Sedgwick, American actress Arlene Dahl & French actress Anna Karina. Also the repeated line "Nag nag nag" is a reference to the same repeated lyric in the song "Nag Nag Nag" by Sheffield band Cabaret Voltaire.

"Madame Ray" is inspired by Lee Miller, the photographer and muse of avent-garde artist Man Ray.

"Melville Farr" is based on Dirk Bogarde's character in the 1961 British film Victim.

"Never To Be Repeated" references film-star Greta Garbo.

"Only Lovers Left Alive" takes its title from the 1964 science fiction novel by Dave Wallis, and includes the title of 1950s film From Here To Eternity as a lyric.

"Round The Hairpin" begins with a line by British comedian Kenny Everett.

"Swallow Tattoo" has a lyric ("you fill me with inertia") which is a reference to the parody pop band fronted by Peter Cook in Bedazzled.

"You Could Have Both" namechecks American singer Scott Walker. The song also alludes to the Morrissey song "My Love Life".The song also mentions the character of C.C. 'Bud' Baxter from The Apartment

Artwork

Before "Couples" was released, all five members created their own cryptic promo videos "explaining" what the inspiration behind "Couples" was. Jackson explained who inspired the album cover, she found artist Richard Hamilton, videos by ABBA, Lee Miller and Le Corbusier to be the main inspiration.

The two front covers of "Weekend Without Makeup" are paintings of Diana Dors.

The front cover of their debut album Someone To Drive You Home is a painting by Kate Jackson of Faye Dunaway in the film Bonnie and Clyde, with a Mark 3 Ford Cortina as her getaway car.The artwork inside the album sleeve is a painting of Nicolas Cage & Laura Dern in the film Wild At Heart.

The front cover of "New Idols" is a painting of Diana Dors in Yield to the Night.

from their Wikipedia page

Why music will miss the Long Blondes from The Guradian Uk October 21st 2008.

It's hard to sum up just how exciting the Long Blondes were when they started out. I first heard them after they'd released a few singles and they were still without a record deal. Amongst my friends, urging them on to bigger and better things was a cause we felt passionately about. And it wasn't long before the NME had called them the Best Unsigned Band in Britain.Matching the media hype was the fact that those early singles - Giddy Stratospheres, Autonomy Boy, Once and Never Again and Lust in the Movies - were stunning. Unlike anyone else, they seemed to be addressing exactly what suburban teenagers were going through: self harm, bitchy jealousy, social climbing, pretending you were a much cooler film star than the sad sack you actually were. For those of us who couldn't relate to guitar songs that sounded like football chants, these were a revelation. It helped that they looked like a proper pop group. A bunch of ex-librarian mis-shapes and misfits dressed in thrift shop chic straight out of a Pulp song, it was impossible to take your eyes off front-woman Kate Jackson. In the miasma of boys with guitars they were the only band who were mining a wealth of influences often overlooked by the keepers of rock music's "canon" - Blondie, the Ronettes, the Human League, Pulp, John Cooper Clarke and the B-52s - to name just a few. They were often criticised for not being able to play "properly". These people, I thought, were missing the point – in the grand tradition of their heroes the Long Blondes were anti-technique.In fact, their heroic statement of intent on their website read: "We do not listen to the Beatles, the Rolling Stones, Jimi Hendrix, the Doors or Bob Dylan. We chose an instrument each and learnt to play it."None of them were really proper musicians. And unlike all of those perfectly coiffured indie bands who became their peers, they were clearly just a group of friends who wanted to form a band for the fun of it.Also, in an age where most other indie bands' default option was "dumbing down", the Long Blondes weren't afraid to flaunt their high falutin' literary and pop culture influences. Like their beloved Roxy Music, high culture met low culture in their aesthetic. Billy Wilder, Arlene Dahl and Kenny Everett were all lyrical inspirations while their sleeves referenced Bonnie and Clyde, Poor Cow and 50s pulp fiction novels.They produced two great albums (Someone To Drive You Home and Couples), and a pretty weighty stack of classy singles and b-sides (Ten Reasons To End It , Christmas Is Cancelled and Long Blonde to name a few). These, along with their sense of fearlessness (in their music, attitude and look), will be their legacy.

#the long blondes #dorian cox #kate jackson #rennie hollis #emma chaplin #screech louder #someone to drive you home #couples #best band of the early XXi century

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the-mira-life-project-mtf · 4 years

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A Yearly Gender Dysphoria Review for 2019

A Yearly Gender Dysphoria Review

December, 2019

(Taken February 2019 - 10 Months On HRT)

Abstract: The purpose of this yearly review is to track my progress as being transgender. I theorize that being transgender isn’t only a biological change; but a mental change that is brought on by chemical and cultural adaptations. It is very difficult to measure one’s transformation on a daily scale and after conducting two years of this review, I hope it will yield that I am not only changing physically, but also mentally.

Many of the questions are very personal…but for the purposes of scientific research, I’ve written questions to form a baseline over the years and questions that dive into my physical changes, Physical desires; sexual changes and sexual desires.

In five years, it is the hopes of this review to compare and contrast my evolution from male to female and to see how closely I stayed at my goals.

***

BASELINE QUESTIONS

Given Name: David

Desired Name: Mira

Legal Name: Mira Carleen

Desired Gender: Female

Legal Gender: Female

LGBT Status: Transgender

Relationship Status: Dating

1) How did you choose your name?

A: Mira was a name that I have gone by secretly since I was seven years old. Oddly, the name came to me during a drowning event at Copalis Beach. I hallucinated that I was saved by a mermaid who told me that her actions would have profound implications on my life. She wasn’t incline to return me to the surface, wanting me to remain with her and she gave me a new name that sounded like ‘Mer-a’. I begged to return to the surface to be with my family and she reluctantly took me to the surface while telling me that from this point forward, I’d no longer be male, but a female mermaid and that the change will happen if I like it or not.

To say the least, the origin of my name sounds something mythical. By for my family’s beliefs; it is quite likely that I was saved by a mermaid as our family has been entangled with mermaids since the 1500s.

Oddly, the name Mira has more implications then I could have ever imagined! Many of the meanings behind the name Mira speak to my personality (Wonder, Wonderful, Goodness, Peace, Kindness, Helpful, Beautiful, Prosperous, Ocean, Sea, Limit, Boundary, Light, Princess, Soft Like Velvet Rose, He/she Watches, Exalted, Star of the Ocean).

As for Carleen, that name was chosen in January of 2019 in remembrance of Amanda who set me on track to preserve my life from an unknown respiratory disease that almost killed me in 2015. Without the knowledge of cystic fibrosis, I would have continued on the wrong therapy and most likely died from lung failure.

2) What other names were you thinking about using and why?

A: My top five were Mira, Delenn, Kathryn, Harmony and River. Mira eventually won over all the names as it meant the most to me. Delenn was a fascination of grace and power from the Croatian actress, Mira Furlan. Kathryn’s origin is unknown, just a name I used a lot in the 2000s in my stories. Harmony and River both have ties to water.

The expanded full list looked like this:

Mira (Chosen name, given by a mermaid)

Amira (Version of Mira)

Arimira (Version of Mira)

Nanette (A name I used in my stories)

Ananette (A name I used in my stories)

Kathryn (A name I used in my stories)

Kathren (A name I used in my stories)

Kristin (A name I used in my stories)

Sirena (Uncertain…Ocean related name)

Harmony (Harmony Falls, Mount St. Helens)

Delenn (Babylon 5 Character)

Rain (Androgynous Name)

River (Androgynous Name)

Tia (Uncertain)

Bri (A name I used in my stories)

November (My birth month)

Aura (Lovely name)

3) How long have you been on HRT?

A: 15 Months (Enrolled In The Program) and 13 Months of compliance with HRT.

4) How long have you been Mira?

A: 28 Years

5) How long have you been ‘Mira’ legally?

A: 9 Months

6) How long have you identified as female?

A: About 28 Years

7) How long have you’ve been legally female?

A: 9 Months

8) Do you regret your decision to become Transgender (Woman)?

A: No. I only wished that I have became transgender much sooner. My life as a female, as Mira has been a blessing. Much of the social pressure that I felt as being David is gone; and since my transition, my relationship has improved.

There is still concern about what I am doing, but I’ve had 28 years to figure this all out. The only difference now is that my whole name is different and I am finally looking like the woman I’ve always imagined myself becoming.

9) How long have you known you were Transgender (LGBT)?

A: This is a difficult question as I’ve struggled with the label ‘transgender’. I was raised to believe that those that were lesbians, gay, bisexual and transgender were mentally disturbed. So, accepting that I fall under the LGBT umbrella has taken some time to get use to.

If I had to be honest, I began to truly realize I might be transgender when I signed that Consent form to begin HRT. So, roughly a year and three months.

***

LGBT QUESTIONS

1) On the LGBT spectrum, where do you fall; gender?

A: Transgender Woman

2) On the LGBT spectrum, where do you fall; sexual?

A: Lesbian

3) When did you realize that the term Transgender referred to you?

A: At the beginning of 2019 when I began considering legally changing my name from David to Mira. The catalysis that solidified the term was when I decided to make a full gender transition from male to female and began considering surgical intervention. Because of these changes, I feel that I no longer can label myself neither ‘gender-fluid’ or ‘non-conforming’.

4) When did you realize that the term Lesbian referred to you?

A: Around February 2019 when I rekindled my relationship with my girlfriend. We considered the aspect of our relationship. And because I yearn to become female legally, physically and sexually…it would transform our relationship status from male & female to female & female. By April 2019, I legally changed my gender from male to female, making our relationship as lesbians.

5) Are you comfortable with the term ‘LGBT’ or calling yourself Transgender and/or a Lesbian?

A: No. I’ve never liked labels…they are too restrictive to a person’s true identity.

Like the labels of male and female; they are terribly flawed! One truly can not be pure female or pure male. For females, their bodies convert excessive estrogen into testosterone; aiding in secondary male characteristics like facial hair. And males, they are first conceived as females before a mutated gene switches them into a male.

I find that society, which is now much more accepting of the LGBT; still has an unwillingness to fully accept them as being a lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender on the basis of not understanding what makes us ‘different’ from a normal cis-woman or cis-man. This ignorance can lead to cis-people acting out in flight-or-fight responses when confronted with something that isn’t like them.

Over the months however, I have slowly come to terms to accept that is am no longer a cis-male by birth, but transgender, as I will have both cis-male and cis-female physical characteristics and biological functions (minus a uterus or ovaries).

6) Are you currently active in the Trans Community or LGBT Community?

A: No. Not physically. I do write about my experiences at a Transgender Woman battling gender dysphoria. I update two blogs to catalogue my journey (Tumblr & DeviantArt. With case-sensitive images not allowed on Tumblr’s platform).

As of lately, I work with my transgender physician to catalogue medical changes and correlate my research with what she knows to bring the most accurate information possible.

7) Have you reached out to a LGBT center for help?

A: Yes. I reached out to the Ingersoll Gender Center in Seattle twice for help finding a doctor and information on psychologists capable of diagnosing gender dysphoria…but I’ve never heard back from them on both messages.

Since then, I refuse to use any LGBT accredited resources as they are unreliable.

8) Who was the first person you told about being Transgender?

A: Unofficially, it would have been my girlfriend, Ruth. Before I started HRT, I mentioned to her that I thought I might be gender-fluid or gender nonconforming. She replied that she had suspicions that I might be transgender as I always associated as female. She also thought I might be asexual in sexuality due to my displeasure in intimacy.

9) What are something positive about being Transgender?

A: Personally, for me, it is like finally healing from a long-term wound that no one can see. I can finally blossom, open up and be the person I truly am without the risk of being of being called emasculate terms.

Being transgender is something rare. Most humans will only experience one half of their potential, whereas trans individuals like myself, we experience both halves of our soul; knowing what it is like to be both male and female at the same time.

10) What are some fears about being Transgender?

A: My biggest fears seem to surround what other cis-people think of me. There is always the fear that someone unstable will perceive me as a threat to their ideology and act out irrationally.

Using the restroom is still terrifying to me! I’d rather risk an ‘accident’ then place myself in a situation where I might get harmed. Even calling myself female can be scary depending where in the country I am, or the age of the crowd I’m in.

I hadn’t considered how ‘vulnerable’ I would feel being female until the day I was tormented by an intoxicated gentleman, alone in an elevator. This experience opened a whole array of thoughts of dangers that I am now susceptible to: ie: mainly sexual harassment and after GRS, rape. I however feel confident I can defend myself in these situations.

11) How do you manage your dysphoria?

A: At this time, with Hormone Replacement Therapy. With a great reduction in testosterone, many of the mental symptoms of gender dysphoria have faded away. I still have the physical dysphoria that I deal with from time to time.

However, I hope to treat the four major causes of my dysphoria with treatments and surgery. The biggest one was my dysphoria of body hair. I have begun laser hair removal of the face and am considering laser hair removal of the chest (mainly breasts) once my face is fully treated (also, these treatments are terribly expensive! Almost 1,500$ for just the face and neck). The second surgery is FFS which is being determined by the insurance company (Jan 2020) and breast augmentation sometime late 2020 to 2021. The last surgery will be GRS to complete my transition.

12) What are you doing to stay healthy for transitioning mentally and physically?

A: Looking at the positives is a must!

My MtF~HRT Journey hasn’t been easy and very costly!

Dealing with the toxicity of female hormones at the beginning was tough, but now that I am chemically female, it is much better.

One of the things that can be a put down is not transitioning fast enough. I always tell myself: Puberty lasts for years, and my coming of age took four years to finalize when I was 17 years old. So, HRT isn’t going to happen overnight.

Sometimes I look in the mirror and become annoyed as I still see a male face looking back at me, but I remind myself that this is a process. It can take the face 5-10 years to finalize on hormones! 12 months to finalize after FFS.

Then there is the aspect of surgery. I am no fan of pain; but living with CF has given me somewhat of a tolerance to it. I look at surgery as milestones that I must achieve in order to live my life to its fullest and to write down in this blog that hundreds of perspective LGBT individuals are reading and following.

Mostly, I get through this all as playing the scientist role in this journey. My training and background in geology gives me a constantly curious mind and when I looked for answers across the internet and found jumbled information with very little scientific approach, I knew that my transition must be for a greater good.

Mentally, I am living my life as Mira. I never look back on my life as David…I’ve pretty much separated everything that made me David for Mira, going in a whole different direction with my life…literally born anew.

13) How have you’ve embraced your Transgender identity?

A: I haven’t really.

I’ll tell people I’m transgender when I feel that I have been called-out. But most of the time I am just embracing my womanhood.

I’ve been invited to a few LGBT support groups and have been invited to a Gay parade in Bremerton, but I’ve kindly declined each time.

If I am anywhere close to embracing my Transgender identity, it is probably in this blog. And if I am being truthful with myself, my identity as Mira makes me equally transgender.

18) How do you feel about the LGBT laws where you live?

A: As a resident of Washington State, we have some of the most aggressive LGBT laws (besides California) that protects the Transgender. Pride parades are very common here and even the city of Seattle has elected its second LGBT mayor.

Yet, we still have some serious grey areas!

I live in the rural area of Kitsap County which has an older population and a military population what is quite resistant of the LGBT. So being openly transgender in my hometown isn’t wise.

Under Washington Law, same-sex sexuality was legalized in 1976, anti-discrimination laws passed in 2012, same-sex marriages legalized in 2012, lesbians, gays and bisexuals allowed to serve in the military in 2011 (transgender people are forbidden). We have the right to change of gender without GRS, and LGBT options are available on birth certificates as of 2018. Our schools have an LGBT anti-bullying policy and we can donate blood if desired.

19) What are your views on the cis-gendered community?

A: As a previous cis-gendered individual; I have only come into knowing the LGBT community since I attended college. While at South Kitsap, the term LGBT was unknown to me. And even then, I only began to understand my place in the grand scheme of Cisgendered vs. Transgendered nature.

I’ve seen and experienced both sides of the cis-gendered community; from the accepting to the un-accepting to the ones that wish to do harm.

Being transgender, I know what it is like to deal with gender dysphoria and to watch a few cis-gendered individuals say that it is all a mental disease isn’t only hurtful…its pure ignorance.

I do my best to align myself with the friendly, accepting cis-women and cis-men who see me as Mira and not a Transgendered Woman.

***

BODY-TYPE (DYSPHORIA) QUESTIONS

Facial Features (Desired)

I envisioned my face being rounded ‘oval’ in shape…which is classical for an ideal ‘feminine’ feature. My upper cheek bones are pronounced to make my cheeks fuller in appearance, my jawline smooth without its sharp ‘masculine’ features. My lips are filled out, but not changed much from my male lips. My nose thinned in appearance and my face has no visible facial hair. My brow thinned back, opening up more of my eyes.

Hair Features (Desired)

I envision my hair being shoulder blade in length, blonde with silver highlights. The tips of my hair dyed aqua-blue. Light wavy texture and shiny and healthy.

I prefer my hair only layered (lightly), my bangs natural and swept over to my right side. My hair parts down the left side of my head as it always has. I hardly tie back my hair, only using clips on the long bangs to keep it out of my eyes. I picture my hair parted in two ways, half hanging over my shoulders, embordering my facial features as it rests between my clavicles and breasts. The other half resting down my back.

Neck Features (Desired)

Slender, the structure pretty much unaltered from the physical neck on my previous male form.

I envision no visible facial hair on the upper portions of the neck (to chin and jaw).

Shoulders Features (Desired)

Maintain their masculine shape, but thinned down.

Relearn to reposition my shoulder blades to feminine stature to support the spine and make room for my breasts.

Upper Arms (Desired)

Feminine in muscle mass and tone. This is a must if I plan to wear feminine clothes, thanks to the stitching in the fabric to support the breasts which makes the arms sometimes tight.

The skin should be devoid of any body hair.

Lower Arms (Desired)

Feminine in muscle mass and tone. 70% of the time my lower arms will be exposed and can give me away as transgender if not maintained. The skin should be always devoid of any body hair at all times.

Back (Desired)

No visible body hair

Chest & Breasts (Desired)

No visible body hair, smooth.

I have two C-Cup breasts, firm and dome-like in appearance. My mammary glands fully formed with appropriate amount of fat. Nipples are feminine in appearance with darkened areolas about quarter size.

Belly And Waist (Desired)

No body hair, smooth.

Belly is rounded (being realistic), but fat is redistributed to my hips, making only one belly roll when I sit down. Waist is narrow in appearance (between my chest and hips).

Genitalia (Desired)

I envision myself without my penis or testicles (as they are part of my gender dysphoria). They will have been repurposed into a functionable feminine ureteral and vagina. It is a must to rid of the male genitalia (physically) to pass officially as female. Until then, my favorite activity like swimming will always be a lingering fear…and relationship-wise, it is the only way I can become ‘sexually’ active as I feel that my male genitalia are an abomination; only serving in one function: low UTI risk which can be managed with proper hygiene as a female.

Buttock (Desired)

I envision myself with a feminine buttock in size and proportion. Rounded and firm, but not overly large. My buttock should gently blend in with my hips.

Upper Thighs (Desired)

Maintain my muscular mass. Body hair here is acceptable if it is light brown or blonde in color (with blonde being ideal).

Lower Legs (Desired)

I envision them feminine in form, but maintain a lean muscle mass as I wish to return back to hiking and swimming after my transition. Body hair here is not acceptable due to wearing dresses and skirts.

Feet (Desired)

Not really a top priority. My feet will retain their size 13 form; however, my nails shall remain painted in gel polish.

Hands (Desired)

Not really a top priority. My fingers have always been slender, long and feminine. I envision always having my nails painted with gel polish; my body hair shaved.

***

MENTAL EVALUATION QUESTIONS

Feminized Brain

1) Have you’ve grown fond of the color pink?

A: No. I still do not find hues of red attractive. Especially pink.

In my updated ‘feminine’ wardrobe; I’ve avoided all colors of red, orange and yellow and prefer colors in the hue of blue. I like both black, white and grey.

I’ve noticed that I have taken on a liking of purple…which I never wore before my HRT.

2) Have you’ve noticed any new scents coming off your body?

A: Yes. At first it wasn’t quite noticeable. In my first few months of HRT. I guess when you’ve been a cis-male for over 33 years of your life, you become ‘blind’ to your natural pheromone odor.

However, about a year into my HRT, I began detecting something ‘off’ about the way I smelled. Now, it isn’t anything like body odor created by sweat-devouring bacteria, it was something that lingered after a shower, or went with you throughout the day.

Oddly, when I began detecting this scent, I noticed that I wasn’t alone. This was about the same time when I began getting unwanted sexual gestures from men. Even my mother noticed the change about three months ago when we were at a casino.

Even now, I still struggle to explain it; to me, it is like a scent of freshness…but when I seem to enter a ‘pseudo-cycle’ from my hormones, those scents seem to increase to the point that it can be over bearing. Secondly, I have noticed that if I use secondary scents like fragrant body wash or perfume, it only increases the scent.

3) Have you subconsciously used ‘female pronouns’ in describing yourself?

A: It varies from time to time. I’d say, maybe 60% of the time I think of myself in female pronouns. I remember how odd it felt to say ‘she’ and ‘her’, like when someone calls to talk to Mira and at first, I hesitated when I said ‘…she? Speaking.’ now it is a confident ‘This is her speaking.’

When I think of myself as in individual, usually when my dysphoria seems to be triggered is when I revert back to confusion and/or ‘him’. However, even that is starting to fade away as I am seeing myself anew each week.

At first, I did not really care if people called me ‘he’ or ‘she’, and this seemed to delay my subconscious feminization for a time. However, as I have began mentally calling myself a ‘she’, I find myself annoyed with the improper pronouns, but will not verbally correct anyone…I just ignore them entirely as if they don’t even exist in my reality.

4) Have you started ‘mentally seeing’ yourself only as female?

A: It varies from time to time. Most of the time I picture myself female. I have pictured myself as a female since I was only seven years old. Only when I feel that I am failing to pass as female do I start doubting myself.

Oddly, when my mental voice speaks, it is female and quite possibly is my strongest advocate for myself as it continues to remind me that I have always been Mira; just that something went wrong during my rebirth.

I still see myself as a woman, which gives me a mental picture to compare with what my eyes see. And at this time, I’d say that I am about 40 percent of the way there.

5) Has your demeanor became ‘feminine?’

A: Somewhat. Most of my verbal and body language is becoming feminine in nature, some on purpose and some subconsciously. Even my changing anatomy has my body position differently.

For example, having C-Cup breasts are very heavy when your back isn’t use to them. To release the tension and stress off of my upper back, I have had to relearn to sit and hold myself up in an ergonomic fashion.

Widening hips (due to extra fat) and widening glutes have offset my stride and I find myself swaying more often at the hips, which gives me a feminine gate.

My speech patterns have not changed, nor has my vocal tones in how I pronunciate my words.

Feminized Aspect

1) What cup size did you ‘want’ your breasts to be?

A: I desire to have bigger breasts then average…I’ve always expected myself of having a larger bust size, and with my recent growth, I’ve been somewhat pleased as my growth will make a great platform for implants down the road.

Recently, I have experienced one of the more unpleasant side-effects of having large breasts: back pain and digging bra straps. Even now, I still don’t consider my breasts as feminine breasts because when I lay down, they seem to disappear. This is totally natural with women whose breasts are between an AA-A-Cup.

With implants (which I will be fighting to get this year); they would retain a natural look while I lay down, staying centered on the chest, not flattening out like my breasts are doing now. (Although, when I wear a bra, the breasts are held in place it seems)

2) Has your sexuality changed?

A: No, I am still sexually attracted to women. The thought of dating a guy is appalling to me. However, I have found myself sometimes ‘looking’ at guys in a daydreaming state, but I still can’t see myself in a romantic relationship with men.

During euphoric moments (which have changed on their own accord), my mind does venture on the aspects of intimacy. This has never happened before when I was a cis-male and is very confusing. I find myself mostly wanted to be held, touched and embraced. This desire has even led me to overcoming my fear of touching my girlfriend and has allowed us to share in our first hug and kiss in over 12 years of being together.

3) Do you feel sexually as a woman now?

A: This is a very personal question...but yes.

Some of the sensations I now feel are beyond anything I’ve felt as male. Without going to deep into details, when I was a male, the erogenous center was around the genitalia. But since taking hormones; within the first few months my skin literally changed. Becoming soft and silky and very sensitive.

Simply being touched is enough to stimulate my senses, and the breasts have become more sensitive then my neither region. During stimulation, the euphoria seems to last for a long time...sometimes minutes to a half-hour.

Oddly, my sexuality has changed when it comes to intimacy and orgasms. As a male, we have to stimulate ourselves physically and achieve a few seconds/minutes of sexual release. But as a female, I’ve found myself not needing any physical stimulation to onset an orgasm. And it should be noted that it isn’t an isolated orgasm...it is full body.

I am starting to understand what my girlfriend was hinting at as she comes into these moments of sexual tension. It is very powerful. During my erogenous moments, all I want to do is be touched and held (which would stimulate myself). I’ve even had a few moments when these power sensations would cause me to think of sex (as a female). But those thoughts confuse me and make me feel unclean.

I think this is my brain’s way of conditioning me to womanhood, but confused about the anatomy (as my daydreams usually have we with female genitalia instead of male). Sadly, exploring this sexual transformation is something I don’t feel comfortable sharing in detail.

4) Has your attention to beauty changed from the time you were a cis-male?

A: Greatly. Prior to my HRT, I did not think that I’d be so focused on my appearance. This has been an improvement as when I was male, I did not care what I looked like. I honestly hated myself and it showed as people said I ‘looked’ mean. Although, I am one of the most tolerant people you could confront. I don’t like fighting because it is so primitive, and I tend to seek a more peaceful resolution to my problems.

At first, it was shaving on a daily schedule. I wanted to be rid of my facial hair badly. I then began shaving my whole body (besides the scalp and brows of course!). When my face failed to appear female (to my standards), Dr. Worth advised I start applying makeup to my face to conceal my facial hair and to make my face appear feminine.

5) Do you desire fuller lips?

A: Yes; having full lips in my opinion makes one ‘appear’ female. This also emphasizes lipstick color. However, I don’t want to look ridiculous! At this time, I’d like to see the philtrum shortened, but that would require surgical intervention. On January 2nd, I talked to my plastic surgeon about my lips and he believes they are full enough, just only needing to shorten the philtrum to bring the lip up to achieve a feminine appearance.

6) Has transitioning enhanced your desire to be a parent?

A: No. I have no desire to raise children in a society that punishes adults for disciplining their kids. I have seen what this generation is becoming and to say the least, it concerns me.

Personally, I have never wanted children as my life was interrupted by my failing health and I’ve never achieved financial stability. Secondly, with my health condition, it is highly unlikely I will see age 50; and it would not be right leaving the care of a child to a single parent.

Finally, I did ask my girlfriend about her opinion of having children and she is in agreement that due to my health and her psychiatric disabilities; we are not suitable genetic parents. However, we have thought of adoption if the moment arrives.

If we did adopt, I’d want a child under 1 year old. This is because I’ve seen what happens when you adopt an older child who is angry about their life they were born into.

7) How do you navigate the concept of sex while being dysphoric?

A: As David, I did not enjoy the concept of sex and lacked in the words to express why I felt this way. For the longest time, I thought the idea came from my religious upbringing, but it persisted as we grew closer. I left her very confused and unhappy. It is very rare to find a woman willing to jump in the sack before the guy!

Although I felt the sting of sexual arousal (which made me sick), I was left ashamed, unsatisfied and confused as why I could not perform as a man. Even when I wanted to be intimate, to kiss, hold and sleep together…I could not do it.

Once I started hormone replacement therapy, my sexuality seemed to kick into full drive, pushing me towards sexual liberation. I wanted to be kissed, I wanted to be touched and held. When I slept, I wanted someone there with me, holding me…intimacy became a desire.

I remember how scared I felt when I asked her to kiss and she was more then willing…we’ve waited for 12 years for this moment! Yet, I still can’t visualize ‘sex’ as a man…as a woman, possibly. But we need to build chemistry.

Although I don’t like talking about sexuality (you’ll find it rare in my blog), becoming a Trans-woman seems to have awakened my dormant sensual side. I find myself daydreaming of what it could be like after GRS and just going to bed each night held and touched. My skin…my whole body, it has changed in ways that is hard to describe.

8) Do you believe that your brain has been feminized?

A: This is an opinionated question as even neurosciences can’t determine. I want to say yes. I am starting to subconsciously think of myself as female and adjusting my lifestyles to being female. Much of what makes females, females is cultural and family.

***

CULTURAL CHALLENGES (FOR TRANS-WOMEN)

1) Have you ever been outed for being Transgender?

A: No. I have yet to experience this embarrassment, but I am certain it will happen.

2) Have you ever been misgendered?

A: Many times. Between January 2019 to August 2019, I was constantly being misgendered when going out on the town or in the hospital.

However, my misgendering has decreased from October 2019 to now. I believe it is because I have began dressing as a female, my hair is much longer and facial features are taking on a feminine appearance.

Of all my misgendering experiences, none of them have been a challenge, most who misgender me immediately say they are sorry and continue on with whatever service they were hired to dispense.

3) Have you’ve been physically harmed because you are Transgender?

A: No. Most now seem to believe I am female.

4) Have you’ve been mentally harmed because you are Transgender?

A: Yes. Sadly, many of those who mentally harmed me were my own uncles and friends. Many did not accept my decision and have ousted me from their lives. Outside of my family and friends; I have not been placed in a mentally harmful situation. I have found that many have accepted who I have become, some happily

5) Have your family fully accepted who you are?

A: Mostly. My grandmother still stumbles with my name and sometimes uses my transgender nature against me. My mother has verbally said she is supportive of my decision, but isn’t pleased about it. My sister is the only one who is supportive, but not of any surgical intervention.

6) How do you deal with being misgendered by cis-people?

A: Typically, I’ll tell them that I am not offended; but only ask they use the proper pronouns and name from this point forward. A second offense will have me just correcting them politely and a third offense, I just ignore them as if they don’t exist. Figuring if they can’t respect me, and they are well informed, they don’t need any of my time.

7) How has been your experience with public restrooms?

A: As David, I never really considered the fear of the public restroom as I feel being Mira. There have been many times I have looked at the restroom and thought ‘Just go inside, no one will bother you!’

My first experience was at a local Shari’s restaurant in Port Orchard. I had been holding it in all night while I mixed music at a dangerous place to be a Trans, a biker’s bar! I remember thinking ‘Male or female?’ Kind of hard to be dressed as a woman with large boobs and be caught in a male’s restroom or risk a woman looking at my face at scolding me, calling me a pervert!

I went into the female’s restroom and found no one inside, so I hurried to a stall and locked myself inside…safe, but listening for the proper time to exit. When I left the stall, I did the world’s fastest handwash and out the door…I was so scared!

I still have yet to enter a populated woman’s restroom, and I’m certain that will be a unique blog post in its own!

8) If you are religious; has being Transgender conflicted with your spiritual care?

A: Yes…to an extent.

I was born Catholic and raised Lutheran…when I finally began transitioning, many of my closes church friends that I knew all my life turned away from me. I tried to attend a different Lutheran church in Allyn, Washington…but when they learned I was transgender, I was quickly shunned.

I have really never settled back into a church after my transition…but hope once I look female; I’ll return to a different congregation that will accept me as I am. And, as of lately, my old church where I grew up reached out to me, the new pastor welcoming me, understanding I am transgender and accepting me as I am. Yet, I still have not gone.

9) Do you feel comfortable answering simple questions about being Transgender by:

A) Family: Yes. This was the hardest of all my people I came out to. Coming out to my mom was difficult as I did not want to be disowned by my own family. Family is everything to me…and I did not know how to talk to mom, my sister, grandmother or even uncles, aunts and cousins. I am comfortable about talking about my female side to them, but still leery about talking about the surgeries.

B) Friends: Yes. If anyone that I opened up to…it was friends first. First my girlfriend and then closes friends on my Facebook account (losing about 10% of my friends).

C) Strangers: Cautious. I’ve found that most people are courteous enough to be respectful, but I don’t get into details.

D) Online: Yes. I have answered many questions via my Tumblr site about my Transgender experience and have also had to block a few ‘creepy’ people.

10) What is something you loved to do that you are unable to do now as a Transgender woman?

A: Swimming. I was very active at my local YMCA’s deep water aerobics and shallow water aerobics classes. I would spend two hours swimming laps and each year attend a class to improve my swimming skills. Since HRT, my attendance at the local Y was twice this year.

I just don’t know how to dress and act while swimming. Swimming is like its own culture within a culture. I wish to dress is a female swimming suit, but first, they are rarely in my size and they would reveal my male anatomy. I’d be asking for trouble. If I wear my regular male swimming attire, I risk exposing my breasts if my outfit rises in the water.

***

LIFESTYLE CHANGES QUESTIONS

1) Have you grown your hair longer and/or modified it in the last year?

A: Yes. Prior to HRT; I only considered growing my hair only shoulder length. For a few months I found that having long hair was highly annoying and high maintenance. Since a year into my HRT, I have continued growing my hair with only one ‘layering’ trimming back in August 2019. At this time, I wish to grow my hair to the point that it touches my clavicles. I have began modifying its color from brown to blonde. I am hoping to achieve an 80% blonde with silver highlights and then dye the tips of my hair aquamarine blue.

2) Have you’ve worn makeup in the past year?

A: Yes; but I started late. I was advised by my physician to begin using makeup to hide my male blemishes (stubble). At this time, I am mainly using hues of blue, pink, yellow and silver. I mainly decorate my eyes (which is sort of pointless as it can’t be seen thanks to my male-brow) with eye shadow and highlight my cheeks to make them look fuller. I use to use foundation and primer, but I have not used those in the last two months as I don’t need them.

3) Have you’ve worn high heels in the past year?

A: No; I don’t like high heels…they are unstable and the major cause of ankle injuries. Also, I doubt they make a size 14-16 in women’s that I can buy local!

4) Have you’ve worn a skirt in the past year?

A: Yes; When I converted my wardrobe, I bought a purple skirt. I wasn’t certain about it; but love it. Since then, I own four skirts. The great thing about skirts is that unlike pants, they usually will fit nicer and hide anything ‘male’ that might give you away.

One thing that is certain! If you are going to wear a skirt, be sure to shave those legs. Another note, all my skirts go past my knees, I don’t like short skirts as they are ‘too’ revealing.

5) Have you’ve worn a dress in the past year?

A: Yes, three times. Once during an outing to Ocean Shores, again in the casino, once around the house (in Mason County) and again for Christmas morning. I also wore a dress for New Year’s Eve.

I like dresses, but you really can’t do much in them.

6) Have you’ve worn a blouse in the past year?

A: Yes, I own many blouses and they are my primary source of shirts in my wardrobe.

7) Have you’ve worn any form of bra in the past year?

A: Yes, I started wearing a bra when my back pain was becoming intolerable. I’ve been fitted with a 44C and then a 46D. I only own two bras (plunge) as they are terribly expensive!

8) Have you’ve worn any feminine undergarments in the past year?

A: Yes. I bought my first feminine undergarments in November 2019 and socks in December 2019. I have not bought any intimacy clothing as they are impractical.

9) Have you gotten your ears pierced?

A: No! I am not against earrings. I’ve seen some nice earrings out there that I’d love to wear, but I do not want to pierce my ears. I don’t like needles!

10) Have you started wearing ‘feminine’ jewelry?

A: Yes; Before HRT, I only wore a watch; now I wear a necklace. I currently have six necklaces: Mermaid Tail Necklace, Moonstone Necklace, Opal-Crystal Necklace, Abalone Necklace, Mermaid Necklace & a Aquamarine Necklace. I also wear 24/7 a moon-ring on my right hand which signifies my transition and keeps men from thinking I’m available.

11) If you had some ‘passing tips’ to offer other Transgender individuals, what are some things you do to pass?

A: The battle to pass as the opposite gender is as unique as the individual.

I have found that there is a list of things I must do in-order to pass successfully with a 20% chance of failure:

1—Clothing: How you dress will determine what people first see. Colors and patterns always attract the eye first. If you dress masculine, you’ll be perceived masculine and if you dress feminine, you’ll certainly be perceived feminine. Half of male clothing can double as female clothing, but you are putting yourself at risk if you are MtF.

Then again, don’t overdress and don’t underdress! Wear something that makes you comfortable, if you are not comfortable in your own clothing, it will show. Also, for MtF’s, be wary of patterns that might emphasize your male form.

2—Face: Your face will be your undoing as a transgender individual. For FtM, stay well-trimmed, shorten hair and lighten up on the jewelry and makeup. For MtF, stay well-shaved, style your hair and wear makeup that emphasizes your feminine features. FFS will help with the bones to open the eyes and smooth the jaw and nose (MtF) or reduce the cheeks and angle the jaw (FtM).

3—Voice: Work on your transgender voice…but don’t overstress it. If it sounds fake, it will lead to your downfall. I’ve seen videos of lovely Trans-women passing until they speak an it gives it away.

4—Confidence: If you think you are not passing; then there really is no reason to try. Most of the time when I’ve been misgendered, my confidence as Mira (believing I am a woman and not caring what any cis-individual says) has saved me from physical and emotional harm. Also, if I look conformable in my own skin, people say I seem to glow, bloom and just look beautiful…but when I’m doubting myself, my transgender nature brightly shows.

12) Have being transgender held you back from your career choice?

A: First off, I am medically disabled; so, this question can’t be answered in the way it was written. But before I began HRT, I’d say no.

If anything, accepting my transgender nature gave me the strength to pursue my career goals as an environmental educator and EMT. Before then, I only worked in dietary services…hired for my male strength and not brains. Hell, I even had a director at St. Anthony Hospital tell me I was only good for my muscles and not my mind.

As a transgendered individual; I began a new hobby…sound technology that has gotten me some uncertainty as I began as a man and ended up as a female. To be honest, they are not certain how to perceive me…even two of the vocalists refuse to call me Mira as it goes against their ideology…but I’m okay with it.

13) How is your relationship with your doctor?

A: Excellent. During my HRT, my primary doctor remained ignorant to my transgender health…I felt uncomfortable talking to him about my nature as a female (considering he wasn’t very compliant with my diagnosis of Asperger’s). He was my doctor in over 10 years! But he was David’s doctor and would not be suited to be Mira’s doctor.

So, I took a dangerous gamble. About a year into my HRT, I began searching for a new doctor that specialized in Transgender Health. I decided if I was going to become a woman, I needed a doctor I could trust and was conformable with me.

I transferred my care to Virginia Mason on Bainbridge (an hour drive away!) to have all my general and transgeneral care done. I certainly suggest that if you are transgender, find a doctor who is knowledgeable and willing to help you from the hormones to the surgery to the after years.

I know Dr. Worth was going to be a wonderful doctor for my care when she bluntly said: ‘You should know that I will not only treat you for your transgender health, but for your overall health. I will be overviewing your whole health as both female and male.’

***

COMPLIANCE QUESTIONS

1) Right now, are you complying to a feminine attire? What is it?

A: Yes. (Under shirt) A woman’s dress shirt with gold and blue embroidery (Top) A long black and white dress with swirl design patterns. Black Nylons, ladies’ garments, 44C bra and Dr. Scholl's work shoes.

2) Right now, are you in a relationship?

A: Yes; with a bisexual woman. We’ve been dating for 13 years.

3) Right now (without using goggle), write out something positive about yourself using the letters of your first name:

A: M—Mermaid I—Intelligent R—Resilient A—Admirable

4) Please explain in your own words, your transition process and what you have gone through to transition into a transgender individual.

A: So, many people take a different path to reach their desired persona.

I actually began (attempting) transitioning in 2017, using herbal supplements which was a terrible idea. Don’t even waste your time doing this!

By November 2017, I contacted Cedar Rivers in Tacoma to enroll in their Transgender clinic and was placed on a four month wait list as they only enroll in February. By February 2018 I called once more and was given a delayed appointment because I failed to provide a transgender name (I hesitated over the phone as I was being careful as no one knew what I was doing and I wanted to have one year of hormone therapy under my belt before coming out.)

Delayed once more to May 2018, I met with one of their doctors and was started on a light dose of hormones as I only identified as genderfluid and only wanted to appear ‘remotely’ female, out of fear of retaliation from my family. However, as the hormones took effect, I would take a few pills a week and skip a week until July 2018 when I committed to the treatment.

I began estrogen in July 2018 and changed my label from gender nonconforming to genderfluid. From July 2018 to December 2018, nothing much happened.

By January 2019, I increased my dose of hormones and began to change finally. My changes were happened faster then I could photograph and with my year one coming up, Cedar River was preparing to drop my care.

I transferred to Virginia Mason in March 2019 and by April 2019, I legally switched my name and gender four month ahead of schedule.

By July, I began talking about facial feminization, breast augmentation and gender reassignment surgery with Dr. Worth, but denying consultation due to my health.

By September 2019, my breast growth made ‘not wearing’ a bra hell and I switch my wardrobe from male to female and began to separate myself from the life of David and being reborn as Mira. I finally came out to my biological family about my transgender nature and began to make amends.

October 2019, I finally scheduled an appointment with plastics to talk about facial feminization in 2020.

My last transition process was at Virginia Mason’s facial plastics clinic and after review; I was considered a candidate for surgery, but waiting on insurance’s reply…

Hypothetical Transition Process

January 2020: my first annual wellness checkup as a transgender female.

January 2020: begin referral process to plastics for breast augmentation.

February 2020: hear from Facial plastics about insurance decision.

March 2020: undergoing appeal for facial plastics or scheduling appointment for surgery.

March 2020: consultation with plastics for breast augmentation.

May 2020: check-up on facial plastics and/or breast augmentation.

October 2020: Begin talking about preparing for GRS.

November 2020: Look for a second psychologist to do evaluation for GRS.

December 2020: if facial plastics is still in appeal stage, should resolve by now.

2021: Retry FFS (or if surgery was performed, should be seeing my true face by now).

January 2021: If FFS was performed, begin breast augmentation surgery and/or start sending referrals to Oregon Health for GRS consultation.

January 2022: GRS performed.

5) Which feature of your body do you like the most since HRT?

A: My breasts…they have blossomed into something rather remarkable! It is amazing to think how at one time I could touch finger-tip to finger-tip while my palms covered my tiny nipples…now, I can’t even reach a single finger, not even with long nails!

It is hard to believe that my male chest could blossom into two womanly breasts.

6) Which feature of your body do you dislike the most since HRT?

A: I’d have to say my facial features. I don’t feel comfortable in public as my face still appears masculine. I spend the most time fretting over my facial features and if I am passing as female so I do get outed as being transgender.

7) With a New Year coming soon in a few hours; what is something you’d like to change for 2020?

A: I like to get back to swimming at the YMCA and start swimming laps. I use to spend 3-5 hours a day there and I’d like to get back at doing that. My ultimate goal is to save up my money to buy a mermaid tail and begin ‘mermaiding’. I currently have two fabric tails, but like to get is silicone tail.

8) With a New Year coming soon; what is your focus for 2020 regarding your ongoing battle with gender dysphoria?

A: Facial Feminization is a top priority with Breast Augmentation a close second. I have a FFS consultation on January 2nd 2020.

(Taken October 2019 - 18 Months On HRT)

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