#AND CONGRATULATE ME !! for never truly being suicidal

[first-edition]

Fox and the Hound

Sandor Clegane x reader

1 — 2— 3 - 4

Chapter 3

Sum-Joffrey wants to send a message to your family after your brother embarrasses him, so he marries you off to his most unwanted man in his court, the hound. But will this marriage truly be a statement for an eyesore, or will it grow into something more. 

Cw for this chaper- Cursing, 18+ themes and langues, mention of consumation, joffrey (yes hes a warning we all know why), brief mention of suicidal thoughts. Alcohol consumption.

You open your eyes, the soft plush covers engulfing you as you arise. Your vision catches sight of a dress that has been laid out for you. You sit up and look at it frowning. 

“Lucinda?” you call tiredly to one of your maidens. The door opens and a guard comes in. 

“Apologies my lady, your handmaidens were interchanged.” he says bowing to you. 

“By who?” you ask slightly annoyed with waking without sandor and now without your maidens.

“Her grace the queen, my lady.” he says.

“C-could you tell me who brought this dress in.”  you ask 

“H-her grace the queen…mylady” he responds. You  nod at his comment and sigh, noticing him uncomfortable being in your chambers as you're still in bed. 

“Could you send someone in to help me dress?” you say. He bows before speaking. 

“Of Course my lady.” he rushes out closing the door behind him.

Minutes pass as four ladies walk in and curtseys to you before you get out of bed and begin dressing. As you step into the dress your mind remembers the events of yesterday. The wedding, sandor leaving. 

“Was he kind to you my lady?” one maiden asks. 

“Pardon?” you ask looking down at her as you step into the dress.

“Ser clegane? Was he gentle.” she asks Nodding her head towards the bed. 

“W-we didn't…he left.” you say.

“You didn't rest together?” she says 

“No.” you say 

“If it's not above my saying so, I feel it is for the best. I've heard many horror stories from the women of the pleasure houses who've played with the hound.” she says. 

“Horror stories? “You ask her to continue. 

“Yes my lady. How he's too big and how they fear him not only in the face but fear of being ripped apart.” she says. 

“O–oh…” you answer. 

“A man of good size is a luxury but one that could hurt is one of fear…if i were milady i'd run away never touch the lord hound. He's frigenting.” she says 

“Now that is above you.” you scold. 

“Apologies my lady.” she says 

“I dont think hes scary…he's just…tough he hasn't had a good life is all.” you say

“Yes milady.” she says. You sigh, you continue to get dressed, sitting down having the others clean up the room, making the bed and doing your hair keeping it down as it's beginning to get colder in king's landing.

“Apologies my lady, her grace the queen requests your presence.” another lady walks in. 

“Oh.” you say and walk over to her. 

“When?” you ask. 

“Now my lady.” she says. You sigh and nod. 

“Could you tell me the whereabouts of ser clegane?” you ask brushing your hands down the dress smoothing out the skirt.

“He's out on a hunting day with his grace.” she says you nod as you walk out of the room with her as she follows you to cersi’s chambers. On the way countless people congratulate you on your wedding and wish you many sons which to say the least makes your stomach churn in fear once more bubbling up into your throat. 

The door opens to the queens room as you see you standing there waiting for you. She opens her arms to you as you walk in taking your hands. 

“My dove..” she says pulling you into a hug.

“Your grace.” you say 

“Are you well this morning? I do hope last night was…satisfactory for you?” she asks. 

“The food and song were very much enjoyable. I thank you for your showing of kindness, and for the dress this morning.” you say not bothering to mention the staff change and the lack of sandors presence. 

“Good..and it might not be my place but. The hound did treat you with respect I presume.” she says 

“I regret to tell you that Ser clegane did not spend the night.” you say 

“You did not consummate?” she asks her brow furrowing as she walks to a table with her books and wine. 

“N-no your grace. He was called away. He's still a member of the king's guard.” you say lying knowing full well he did want you.

“Hmm, it's not a wedding until now. I shall have the master sent to your chambers tonight to oversee, king's guard or not, consummation is very important. King Robert consummated ours and I was just ... .so..happy.” she says through her teeth as she looks down at the book. Before she speaks again. 

“And i hope your chambers are suitable speaking of the matter of fact?” she continues. 

“Yes, your grace.” you say. She smiles and glassy smiles as she pours herself a cup of wine offering you some but you refuse not liking the taste. You then watch as she chugs the glass.

“My brother Tyrion has sent my daughter off as a peace offering to dorne…my only daughter, my flesh and blood, my love, my life.” she speaks before pouring herself another glass of wine. 

“I wish her good fortune.” you speak.

“Would you do it?” she aks

“I beg your pardon?” you ask

“Send your only daughter off an ocean away…” she says coldy.

“No your grace. If I may speak freely my mother did not want to send me here, only that it was my duty as a princess to be part of a royal family and ro carry out the blood line.” you speak. 

She nods her head taking another sip of the wine. 

“That dress you're wearing I had made just for you. I wish nothing more than to see you in fine colors and wear just as I did my marcella.” she speaks 

“It would be my pleasure, your grace.” you answer she nods. 

“A tribute will be held for her in 3 hours as we see her off. You will attend, yes?.” she says

You nod and she smiles waving her hand as the guards open the door. You curtsy to her before exiting out of the room but not before glazing at her seeing her chugging the rest of the wine in her cup.

—---

The entire is filled with boredom and the same repertoire over and over, passing in the halls as some other court member has to congratulate you on the marriage, counting the doors and windows in the red keep then once again roaming the castle halls and courtyard, then back to count the red keep, visit the library read the same three books and then back to castle courtyard and the routine starts again all the while your new ladies in waiting following you closely. 

On your way back to the courtyard you view sansa. She stands with two guards as the gates open and Joffrey rides in with Ser merryn trant, three other guard the dogs and sandor. He hops off his horse and gladly shows Sansa, who is disgusted but hides it, the large deer boar sandor no doubt killed so Joffrey could say he killed it himself.

Looking down, making a mockery of joffrey in your head, you don't realize that sandor had been looking up to you. But when you look over at him he's hauling the pig over his shoulders and Joffrey mutters the words. 

“Come along dog.” 

You watch as they disappear from above view. You stand there for a few minutes only feeling like a second , the overwhelming feeling of something making your heart race as your vision seems to blur as you step closer to the edge of the railing.

The gasp of your ladies brings you back as you feel a hand on the small of your back. You look to your left, seeing Sandor as he leads you back slightly from the edge. 

Your eyes glaze over as you look up at him. He frowns at you as he scans your face. 

“Your cheeks are blotchy and your eyes are red,” he points out. 

“Spring daze.” you say. 

“It's fall. You were crying? Why.” he barks not meaning to sound rude but it comes out as such. 

“Like you care.” you say turning away but grasps your arm keeping you in place but you refuse to look at him. 

“Look at me,” he says. You don't.

“Look at me!” he demands. You finally obey and look at him woefully. 

He looks at the ground of your handmaid's not recognizing them from the ones before, your hair is also done differently and you're wearing a color dress that he knows you wouldn't have picked for yourself. 

“Cersi dress you up like a doll?” he asks gruffly you don't answer which gives him more of an answer than he needs. 

“Mm.” he answers in response letting you go as soon as he does you turn and walk the rest of the way to the library leaving sandor in his place. Continuing the cycle or keep courtyard library you end once the bells ring as the time for marcella’s send off to begin.

#sandor clegane #Sandorclegane x reader #Sandor Clegane x reader #got #game of thrones x reader

[cassayeee]

MY LITTLE SECRET (FINNICK ODAIR X FEM!READER)

warnings: porn with quite a bit of plot (i can never just write a oneshot), emotional sex, p in v, oral (f receiving), virginity loss, slight marking, mentions of killing, death, and suicidal thoughts (this is the hunger games), just be wary fr - minors stay away

notes: so this was a request from @theBridgetopanem on ao3 and, ugh, it's just so cute. love me some soft boy finnick. once again, very quickly edited so sorry for any grammatical mistakes. anywho - make sure to like, reblog, and comment! love u all <3

word count: 9.4k

summary:

No one truly understands the deception of humanity more than those who have the power to take it away. To push innocents against innocents and make sure nothing more than blood and broken souls remains where hope and naivety once stood.

It was a horrible nightmare in your mind – trying to think like them. Trying to survive. And the shadows that followed you out of that arena as people congratulated you for being a victor? Well, they knew what the absence of humanity really brought.

Fear.

OR

Finnick Odair is your mentor for the 70th Hunger Games and you can't help but find comfort in the man who is in your life solely to make sure you don't die.

The 70th Hunger Games, ready to begin.

Your name, reaped.

All hope, lost.

Voices flickered in and out of your consciousness as you made your way up to the stage. Of course, this happens to you in your last year of eligibility, why wouldn’t it? Time sped and slowed as it pleased, having no regard for your ticking thoughts. Nor did it care for your unwillingness to let it pass.

This can’t be happening. This isn’t happening. Why is this happening?

You weren’t a Career. You had no special talents besides swimming and spearfishing. Swimming. How for fucks sake was that going to get you through the Games? News flash: it wouldn’t. Maybe spearfishing? But that was hardly a skill that could contend with previous victors. And it definitely wouldn’t help you against the Careers.

I’m going to die. I’m going to die. I’m going to die.

As you curled into the dark spot floating at the edge of your vision, you barely heard the name of the male tribute announced beside you. Isaac? Ethan? Ian? Why does it matter anyway? You weren’t going to make it out of here. This was it. The ocean was draining, and you were being sucked down with it.

You barely noticed the Peacekeepers usher you off the stage and saying goodbye to your family was now a flicker of a memory. Siblings would never see you again. You would never be able to make them laugh in your family home or try to eat your mother’s insufferable cooking again. You would never be able to brush off fishing duty to go swimming with Annie or visit the town tavern with her again.

Oh, Annie.

Best friends since birth, the two of you were practically inseparable. Many of your other friends and family joked that the two of you must have been a soul split because of how alike you were. You did everything together, but the shining break in this storm was the fact that she wasn’t standing where you were. That your siblings weren’t. If it had to be any of you, you were glad that it was yourself.

But, fuck – you wish it would have been anyone else’s name picked out of the grim bowl.

---

Stepping foot on that train was probably the hardest decision of your life. Not that it was much of a decision, really. If you wouldn’t have gotten on yourself, the Peacekeepers would have gladly thrown you on there themselves.

You couldn’t say that you were too impressed with the interior of it. Honestly, it just looks like the Capitol threw up all over it. Yes, your family home was nicer than most of those in the other Districts due to the wealth of the area, but you didn’t care about all of that. The people made a house a home, and this train was nothing more than a moving coffin.

As your Capitol lapdog, Jorge, showed you and your fellow tribute into the lounge car, a head of bronze hair caught your eye. His arms were spread wide on either side of him as he lounged on the travel sofa – seeming to be as content as a summer’s day. You could almost laugh at the absurdity of it. But, before that mocking gaggle could make its way out of your throat, the man before you turned.

Oh, shit.

Finnick Odair. You needed no introduction of his, everyone in District 4 was aware of him after his victory in the 64th Games. Youngest ever and all that, you had to respect him for making it through. What you couldn’t respect, however, was his enjoyment of his Capitol fame. He appeared on screen at least five times a month at some prestigious party, the arm candy to some Capitol prissy who you really couldn’t bother to care about. Why should you when they laugh and cheer for children to die for their amusement? It was absolutely disgusting. 

Flashing you with a stunning smile, he popped a sugar cube in his mouth as Jorge motioned for the two of you to sit across from him. His sea-green eyes followed your movements as you stiffly sat before him, like a prized pet for sale. Your shoulders were locked tight as you stared back at the man before you. Tanned skin from hours on the coast and beauty that even the old Gods would envy, you couldn’t discount his looks. But you knew those could be deceiving. And anyone who wins the Games knows how to be deceiving.

“Hey, you two,” he began as he looked between you and… Ian? Yeah, let’s go with that. “This isn’t a position I want to see anyone in, but I’m here to help make sure you make it through whatever hellscape of an arena they have planned for you and get you used to the culture of the Capitol.”

You could feel your hands shake as this terror became more real with every word he spoke. He’s my mentor. I have a mentor. I’m really a tribute.

I’m going to die.

Every ill thought you had of Finnick was immediately disposed of. He was a lifeline in this – he knew how to win. And if you had to be deceitful, manipulative, hell, even seductive through this, you’d take whatever advice he had and hold onto it with your life.

Quickly grasping your hands together to try and still them, you showed nothing but vulnerability as you slouched in your seat. You could feel another panic attack coming on, but you shoved it down to deal with later so you could talk with Finnick. You weren’t going to waste a single moment on this train that didn’t provide you with some sort of opportunity to gain skills that would help you make it out of the arena.

Finnick saw how your composure changed as soon as he started talking and his heart broke a bit from the horribleness of this. He meant it when he said that he didn’t want anyone else to be in this position, for the Games to be a reality, but he would be damned if he didn’t make sure that one of you wouldn’t come out a victor. So, the three of you got to work and talked through the whole ride to the Capitol.

---

Finnick was betting on your spearfishing skills to get you through.

“The other tributes will be spread between those who know how to hunt, how to hide, and how to survive. I need you to be all three.” He stated.

The two of you were working together before your training began in the Tribute Center, stealing your last little bit of train time to work on hand-to-hand skills. Ian was off resting since Finnick was already aware of his expertise with tridents. Apparently, the two had known each other prior to all of this. Finnick wasn’t worried about him. No, he was worried about you.

“I’ve never hunted another person before.” You reminded him. “Fish are different.”

He was showing you maneuvers that could be used for deflection at this point. Utilizing the strength of the staff would be crucial, but since the Capitol provided metal ones in the arena, there was no worry about it breaking. Being in the proper position to block vital spots was up to you, though.

“Fish are small targets,” he nailed his trident against your spear, the reverberation racing up your arms. You continued to hold on. “Humans are bigger. More places to aim for.”

“But they can fight back.” You remarked as you readjusted your hold on the spear. “They can kill me just as easily.”

“Then be faster. Be quiet and quick and they won’t know you’re there until the damage is already done.” He urged. Setting his trident against the wall, he stripped off his shirt from the exertion and reached for a bottle of water to rehydrate.

Your mouth watered at the view. He was, in the simplest of terms, gorgeous. Taunt muscles built from years of experience stretched across his expanse as sweat trickled between the valleys of them. His Adam’s apple bobbed in tandem with his swallows and you were entranced by the movement. You don’t know what he did in a past life to be graced with a body like that, but you had to appreciate it if even for this one moment.

Shaking your head to rid yourself of the distraction, you grabbed a drink of water as well, taking the time to think of your odds. They’ve been getting better with Finnick’s instruction, but it was your intelligence and timing that would get you to the victor’s circle. Confidence was starting to brew in your veins, and you didn’t want it to go away.

Setting the bottle down, you grabbed your spear once more and took a fighter’s stance with it. Finnick noticed and lifted a well-manicured brow at you.

“I’ve got the defense positions down,” you started. “Now show me how to win.”

---

You tried not to stand out amongst the other tributes as much as you could, in hopes that they would view you as nothing more than some meek and useless girl. Your plan was that if you kept your head down, they wouldn’t view you as a threat. While that could cause some to view you as an easy target, it would also keep the element of surprise tidily tucked in your back pocket.

However, you stuck close to Ian as Finnick urged the two of you to attempt an alliance – granting the ability for at least one person to keep an eye on your blind spots. You weren’t naïve, though. Alliances were unsteady, especially if it came down to saving your own skin over the others. And there was no proof that Ian would even keep his word about meeting in the arena, let alone keeping you alive long enough to hear the first sounds of cannon fire. If you were a betting man, you wouldn’t bet on him.

But he did bring in two more members to your shaky alliance, Della Remfar and Billy Churl from District 10. Not Career-material by a long shot, but they were both highly adept with an array of knife work. And, to your knowledge, both knew the cleanest and quickest ways to stab, slice, and gut something – which could definitely come in handy.

Even after surrounding yourself with the three, you weren’t entirely sold on the idea of putting any sort of trust in them. You didn’t speak of anything personal, nor did you even attempt to learn anything about them. It would be easier this way. There can only be one victor in the end, and the memories of the fallen tributes should be left to be carried on by their own friends and families, not by someone who was an instrument in their death.

And, selfishly, you just didn’t want the chance of actually liking any of them to arise. It would be hard enough to kill strangers – killing friends would probably destroy you.

---

The training scores were being announced as you sat between Finnick and Ian. Nervously, you kept bouncing your leg up and down on the plush seat as you waited for your name to pop up on the screen.

Your show to the Gamemakers may not have been anything extremely special, but you would be damned if your new prowess with a spear would go unnoticed. Finnick’s teachings were nothing short of a blessing, and every time you lifted that metal bar, you had the unrestrained thought of making him proud.

It was strange, to find comfort in a man whose sole purpose in your life was to keep you from dying. He would do all he could to keep sponsors coming your way and leave you with all the knowledge and tricks he gained from his own Games. And you would survive. If you wished hard enough that you would live through it, perhaps you could wish it into existence.

A fool’s thought, but it didn’t stop you from looking up to the night sky every night and doing just that. It wasn’t a prayer, not by a long shot. If there was a God out there, you’d hate them with every fiber of your being for allowing their “children” to do this to one another without fear of repercussion. You were already in a living hell – it couldn’t get much worse than this.

Silencing your mind, you peaked with interest as Ian’s name flashed across the screen along with his score. An 8. That was solid. Enough to show the sponsors he was someone worth rooting for and kept the Careers off his tail for being too much of a threat. But it’s not like you cared that much when your name and picture finally appeared.

From pure desperation and worry soaking your veins, you grabbed Finnick’s hand in an attempt to calm yourself. You couldn’t even look at him, not as your eyes were glued to the screen in front of you. But Finnick looked at you.

He saw how scared you were – not just from the placings, but from the whole event. He couldn’t be surprised – hardly anyone made it through the Games without being completely terrified. Even in his own Games, he was fearful. Petrified, more like. No one wants to die like an animal and, besides the vicious, no one wants to kill another human being like one either. So, tightening his own hand around yours, softly rubbing his thumb on the back, he waited with bated breath for your score.

9. Oh, fuck.

“That puts you right around the Careers,” Finnick whispered to you.

You nodded your head, eyes still staring straight at some unknown point in front of you. Your hand was still wrapped around Finnick’s, neither one of you wanting to let go from the worldly anchor. In truth, you were surprised you had placed that high, and by the slightly jealous façade that rested on Ian’s face, you could tell he wasn’t too happy about it either. But Finnick, he just seemed to watch your facial response to it, ready to help you through.

There was no overwhelming emotion of happiness or disappointment, he just wanted to make sure you were okay. And, after turning your face to drown into his oceanic eyes once more, you were.

---

This was it. The clock was counting down as you and the other tributes stood atop your respective platforms waiting for the blood bath to begin. For humanity to disappear and pure unrestrained carnage to take its place.

Your whole body was shaking. Anxiety and dread were filling you up and overflowing at the top. You wanted to be anywhere but here. You wanted to be dead already to get it over with. You wanted to be with Annie and your family playing on the beach.

You just didn’t want to be here.

So, for a split second, you let your consciousness cover your mind with a memory. Something warm and happy that could perhaps get you through the next minutes or hours or days. And you indulged in it.

“Oh, yeah. My parents took us swimming all the time. For ‘exercise’ and all that, but really, I know they just wanted to spend time as a family whenever we could.”

You and Finnick were lounging in the main sitting area within your deck of the Tribute Center. While he probably should have made his leave already, he wanted to check on you after your training, and, without admitting it, desired to spend time with you.

The two of you were currently sharing memories of your families and friends and life. You don’t quite remember how the conversation happened, but it was just too easy to get lost in the words with him. A bittersweet thought of how you would miss him materialized, but you quickly threw it to the wayside so you could luxuriate in the presence of Finnick Odair.

“My mom was always about making sure that between work on the docks, out on the waves, or just helping with the catches, we prioritized one another. Blood is thicker than water, she would always remind us.” You couldn’t help the bright smile painting your face as you thought about how kind and, sometimes scary, your mother was. She truly loved life and insisted on making sure everyone in your family could see the beauty in it as well, if not a little aggressively.

“She once threatened my younger brother, Kade, that she would take away his slice of chiffon cake if he didn’t go out and play with his friends for a bit.” You disclosed. “She ate it right in front of him when he refused.”

You both laughed at the story, going on to tell him more about your siblings and Annie, who was practically your sister at this point. With each passing story, you grew less enthusiastic. He saw the way you started to deflate from the stories, sadness taking its place due to your current predicament of perhaps never being able to see your loved ones again.

He didn’t want those memories to sour from this, he wanted you to keep them treasured – shrouded in a golden cloud of light and love. With a sense of duty, he moved over from his armchair to join you on the loveseat you were curled into.

Your doe eyes followed his movements, curious as to what he was doing. He sat beside you; stern vulnerability layered on his features. With shrugged eyebrows and a twinkle of some unknown emotion in his eyes, he placed his hand on the side of your face, tenderly holding you in position.

“Don’t let them take this from you.” He softly insisted, fingers warming you where they rested. “They want to break you, to dull you, but don’t let them win.”

You blinked. Once. Twice. Before your brain registered that you should reply to him.

“Wh- What?” You stuttered out in a hushed voice, much less of a conversation than you intended, but you were still confused by his words and actions. He continued to look at you, stealing glimpses into your soul through your widened eyes.

“Your memories, your love. The Games are built to destroy you of it all, leaving nothing more than a walking corpse empty of thought and emotion.” He asserted. “But don’t let them win. When you walk out a victor, hold onto what you love most and remember that the Capitol can’t take that. They can try to take your humanity, what makes you, you, but they won’t.”

You were stunned into silence, thoughts running rampant, but one began to overshadow them all.

He thinks I’ll win?

“I know we’ve only truly known each other for a short while, but I’d like to think I’ve become a great judge of character over the years.” He confessed with a small smile. “And when I look at you, I see a genuinely good person. Someone who shouldn’t have been forced into this, who should have lived their life out in peace and bliss but will win because they have something to fight for.”

You didn’t want to speak, to breathe, for fear of stopping his expression. But your eyes encouraged him, so he went on.

“You. Fight for yourself, Y/N L/N. Fight for the memories you hold in your heart. Fight for the love you have to give. Fight for whoever makes your head rush. Fight for the feelings.” He whispered out, only for you. “Just, please, fight. I know you can win. You have the skills, the intelligence, everything. So, fight for everything and nothing at all.”

Silent tears were streaming down your heated cheeks from his honesty. You knew Finnick to be manipulative and cunning when he needed to be, but there was nothing but a boy who wanted to be heard in front of you. What did he have to lie for anyway? You’d be going into that arena either way, friend or not.

Your own smaller hand covered Finnick’s as he continued to hold your cheek. Your lids gently shut as you pushed yourself into the warmth he was offering, staying close to him. He watched you hold the part of himself he presented to you, and decided he should gift just a little bit more.

Lifting his left hand to sit on the other side of your face, he pulled you close to rest his forehead against your own. With shut eyes, the two of you breathed in each other as the intimate moment closed over you.

Even in this short period of time, you’d never felt as close to a person as you did to Finnick. He knew the position you were in, for he had stood there before. He knew your emotions better than you did and encouraged them as a power, not a weakness. He was a light in this dark world, and you’d protect that flame with your life.

Pulling his head back but still staying close, he expressed one last thing. “My secrets, Y/N. I’ll give you all my secrets if you come back to me. If you fight for me. I’ll fight for you every day of my life and it still won’t be enough if you don’t come. Back. To. Me.”

He practically shook with the truth of his words. He wanted for nothing more than time. Time with you. Time to truly learn everything about you. Something in him yearned for you since the moment you had met. Your strength, your smile, your brilliance. He wanted to bathe and drown in it all at once. So, he needed you to win. To dirty yourself as he still is. Then, perhaps, you could both learn how to wear the past together. 

For a short moment, all you could do was look at him. To take him in as he was, no mask atop his face. To see what Finnick Odair looked like when there were no secrets to steal. And then you quickly tucked yourself into his torso as you wrapped your arms around him.

“I’ll fight for you, Finnick.” You declared into his chest. “I’ll fight for more moments like this.”

He hesitated for just a breath before he enveloped his arms around you, holding you tight and taking in your presence. He would make sure that you get anything you need in that arena. And that he’ll be there to pick up any pieces you left behind when you come back to him.

---

Della was dead. Ian was dead. Tributes from all the districts were dead.

The only ones still living were you and Billy, and the clock was ticking away.

Ian stuck true to his word and met you far from the Cornucopia as the two of you ran for your lives. The arena was a swamp – dirty and thick with a putrid smell that you would never forget. But the cypress and tupelo tree bunches gave what cover they could as you deftly made your way through the duckweed covering parts of the watery surface. Della and Billy attempted to steal a supply pack out of the slaughterhouse, but only Billy returned. Sticking close to one another, you made it through your first night.

Finnick also did as he promised and made sure the sponsors gave you anything you needed: spears, bread, ointment for Ian after he ran through a thorn-filled brush and ripped his leg open, even just extra blankets and water bottles – he made sure you were always supplied. His heart was in his mouth every time he saw you on screen, each day fitting you worse than the last. Exertion and fear were already taking their toll on you with mud-caked skin, chapped lips, and hair that was matting faster than a sunset. But none of that mattered as long as you made it to the end.

Ian was the next to go with a slit throat as your group battled head-to-head with the Careers. Two of the four were down before it happened, giving you all a false sense of hope. It was in that second of distraction that the girl from 2 sprinted around and tore Ian’s neck open before you could even blink.

Without even thinking, you launched your spear right into her chest as Billy finished off the District 1 boy. The two of you were unaware that each had defeated a tribute, but as your breathing slowed and you turned toward him, the realization hit you like a train.

I have to kill him.

It was a sickening thought, one you wish you’d never have to think about, but one that was entirely fueled by survival. You made a promise to Finnick that you would return. That you would come back. And even with aching limbs and short breaths, you would fight.

So, fight you did.

Billy started making his way to you as you reached the District 2 girl and yanked the spear from her concaved chest. There was no time for sympathy, no time for feelings. Billy wasn’t your friend. Sure, he may have saved you from the guy from 6 and always made sure that you got your share of food, but he wasn’t your friend. He couldn’t be your friend.

You locked down your thoughts as the two of you met in a patch of hip-deep swamp water. The muck below was forcing your feet to sink lower and gave you little grasp, but you lived in the sandy ocean. You knew how to maneuver well enough to use it to your advantage.

You were smaller than Billy as he towered over you at some number over six feet – a sturdy build for a butcher’s life. Which was a disadvantage for the environment. As you could navigate across the ground without fear of adhering to it, he was stuck, weighted down into the pit of swamp.

As he struggled to turn to follow your movements, his hands were briskly releasing knives your way. Try as you might, you couldn’t miss all of them. One lodged in your upper shoulder as another grazed your cheek, nipping off the tip of your left ear. But he wouldn’t have an infinite number of knives, and you could be patient enough for them to run dry.

And when they did, you advanced. Flittering over to him, you adjusted your stance just as Finnick taught you – bracing your arms apart so they could give and move as needed. You caught him in the side at first, until he grabbed onto the other end of the spear and pulled you toward him. He was stronger than you. If he got his hands on you, he could choke you out or drown you as hastily as he wanted, so you couldn’t let him touch you.

As he hauled you closer and closer to him, you steadied yourself. You’d only have one shot at this, and if you missed, it was all over. Taking a deep breath and focusing on the one moment you would have for this to work, you waited.

Not yet.

He was reaching the end of the spear.

Not yet.

He was loosening his grip on one hand to stretch out toward you.

Not yet.

You could feel the heat of his palm as he began to place it on your good shoulder.

Now.

In a flash, you jumped up and around him, securing yourself on his back and throwing him off balance so he couldn’t lay hold of you. Spear forgotten; you grasped his knife still stuck in your shoulder. With a cry, you yanked it out of yourself and stabbed it into his neck. And you stabbed again. And again. Tears were streaming down your face like a river flooded as you made sure he was well and truly dead.

As his heavy body dropped, you released your death grip but not before you fell into the water with him. You closed your tired eyes as you floated in the combination of blood and sludge. Nothing felt real. You were a victor, and you didn’t feel real. For a moment you could almost see your consciousness floating above you in a haze, like you were the one to die rather than Billy. But as soon as it was there it was gone. Instead, a transporter floated just where you had been, and now it was grabbing the winner of the 70th Hunger Games up into its claws once more.

---

Finnick was the first to greet you with nothing but concern on his face. As everyone else tossed cheers and ‘congratulations’ at you, he held onto you and walked you from the crowd. And he didn’t let go even when you sobbed into his shirt, staining it with tears and blood.

A doctor had to stitch your shoulder and cheek and wrap your bleeding ear, but with the Capitol’s technology, it took less than 2 days to heal. And Finnick never left your side for those days, talking about nonsense and the sponsors and the Games and how your family came to visit but you were unconscious from the medication and everything else he could think of that he couldn’t talk to you about before.

You told him about your heart-wrenching fear at every waking moment and nightmares you would have each night in the arena. Sleep was unwilling to take you, and you hardly wanted it to. Not when the arena croaked and screeched with animals and tributes on the prowl. Nothing but pure survival was in your veins, and that feeling was reluctant to leave you even now.

When you were dismissed from the hospital, he didn’t leave your side then, either. He talked to your family and Annie like they had known each other for a lifetime already. It made you happy watching them together. All the people you loved right in front of you, and you were still alive to witness it.

Even with the dark cloud looming over you, they were still the sun’s rays shining through. Small, but strong enough to keep you going.

---

Weeks after the Games and your victory tour concluded, you were nestled in a small reading nook in your home in Victors’ Village. The Games still haunted you, but you found solace in books. In romantic novels that didn’t have death sentences or tyrannical leaders – just two people who were in love and determined to display that in any way they could.

It was a way for you to escape reality, if even for a fleeting moment. Surrounding yourself with friends and family could only help for so long, and more often than not, being around so many people had you reliving the fight between your group and the Careers. The heaviness of the air and the cacophony of sounds had your stomach turning and chest tightening. Usually, Finnick would notice and quickly relieve you of the event by sheltering you outside.

It was a rather common occurrence, which is why you were happy to be in solitude. You told your family that you’d like to live in the house alone, if only for a couple of months, but they were more than welcome to visit you – which your mother did. A lot. She’d bring attempts at dinners and pies, but you were grateful for her and never discouraged her love. You couldn’t imagine the pain that she went through watching her daughter almost lose her life in the arena, so you entertained all of her antics. Almost every time she visited her eyes would drift to where your shoulder scar lay beneath your clothes, and she always kissed the mark on your cheek before she left as well. The reminders were plain to see.

But your solitude was never truly lonely.

“Hot chocolate?” Your eyes broke from the pages in front of you to look at Finnick, who was now offering the delectable drink to you.

You smiled at him and nodded, shifting your position to reach for the mug of cocoa. He sat beside you, offering more warmth than just that in your hands as he glanced at the book resting in your lap.

“Pride and Prejudice, again?” He smirked. “You have a library full and you’re reading this for, what, the fifth time this month?”

You hit his shoulder with your own as you giggled into your cup. Taking a sip and humming as the warm liquid traveled down your throat, you set your cup aside to face him.

“It’s a wonderful story, what can I say.” You confessed to him.

“And,” He reclined back in his seat as he regarded you. “Highly illegal. I still don’t know how you got your hands on that.” Shaking his head, he took his own drink of the hot chocolate and evaluated you with a raised brow.

“Perks of being a victor, as you should already be aware of.” Your smile vanished. “You get secrets, and I get tales to bury myself in.”

Any trace of playfulness withdrew from his manner. Soft eyes looked into your own as he set his cup aside, reciprocating the action to yours.

“Y/N,” he whispered softly.

Before he could say anymore, you snuggled into him, hurting for the man before you. “I’m sorry, Finnick. I didn’t mean to bring it up, I just– I just can’t understand why they would do that to you.”

Your watery eyes finally traveled back up to his, as he caressed your head with a tender touch. Finnick had finally told you what his days consisted of as a victor – of forced touches and unwanted attention; he was used in the Capitol for his looks and composure. You didn’t take it well, seconds away from marching to President Snow and killing him yourself for putting loving, sweet Finnick through that pain.

It wrecked you even more to know that he dealt with it all for the people he cared about. For his family. For his friends. For you. And that there wasn’t anything you could do to stop it without putting everyone else in danger. The worst that was done to you was parading you around like a show dog on a leash to different events. Perhaps if you weren’t scarred, they would have wanted the same for you, but for once, you could count yourself lucky that Billy hadn’t fully missed.

“Y/N,” he spoke once more as he lifted your chin to gaze down into your eyes. “Please, don’t suffer for me. You know I would do anything to protect you from them, and if this is the cost, then so be it.”

You shook your head as you wiped the tears from your eyes. “You don’t deserve this. You shouldn’t have to do anything else for them. Especially not that.”

You couldn’t even say the words out loud, it was so repulsive. It made sense now, why he was always with new and different Capitol citizens at those parties. Why he never looked truly there in the way he handled himself. And it made you want to shove your spear into anyone who would ever try and do that to him again.

“It’s okay, Y/N, really.” He gently smiled at you the way he reserved only for you – with all the love and radiance he could put into it. “I get to spend the rest of my time– the rest of my life with you. That’s all I could ever ask for.”

“Finnick,” you whispered, hardly knowing what to say to him.

He gingerly brushed the hair back from your forehead as he placed a kiss upon it, hushing you. “For you, my love, I would do anything.”

Your body trembled in his hands from the emotion tumbling around inside you. After the Games, it was hard to let yourself get close to him, for the honest fear of losing him. But he was patient. He waited for you and took his time working through the tremors of the Games that still resided within you. It was hard, it still is, to make it through a day without finding yourself back in that arena, but being around him made it easier – more manageable. He was the part of you that kept you afloat and you were hanging on with both hands to make sure he stayed.

You lost yourself in his eyes – green and blue twirling in an intimate dance, the most beautiful you had ever seen. Truly, there was no other place you would rather be than with him. Every ounce of comfort that you felt stemmed from Finnick, and he felt just the same. To part with one another now would be to rip a heart in two, never fitting the pieces to another.

I love him.

It was a scary thought and, really, shouldn’t have shocked you as much as it did. You knew for a long time already that you did but admitting it to yourself was the true challenge. Everyone knew it, hell, Annie would constantly ask you when the two of you would just marry already – she had never seen two people as made for the other until she saw you and Finnick. But you were slow to let that part of yourself go. He already had your heart, but now, you would finally allow yourself to have his.

Tenderly, you reached your hands to cup his face – the slight stubble growing on his cheeks tickling your palms. As not to scare him off, you so slowly pulled his head down to yours. Only an inch apart, your mouths breathed onto one another, painting your lips with his scent.

“Y/N,” he ground out in a whimper.

“Finnick,” you echoed back. “I love you.”

The sharp inhale was the only sign that he had heard your small voice. That, and the urgency at which he bridged the gap between your mouths. A whine escaped from the back of your throat at how soft he was – how his lips molded into your own as if fated to do so. You were already addicted to the feeling.

Finnick wasn’t faring much better. His whole head was fuzzy with love and reverence for you as he pulled you up to sit on his lap, bringing you as close to you as he could. Tenderness soon turned into something more as he began to map out the curves of your body with his hands. As you gasped from his touch, he took the chance to sneak his tongue into your mouth, charting that territory out as well.

Happily returning the favor, you too began exploring the body of the glorious man before you. Tongues twisting, hands moving, both your breaths became labored as the need for even more started hazing both your minds. Pulling away for just a moment, you took your chance.

“Y/N,” he practically growled out as you began to shift your hips over his growing hardness. “We don’t have to do anything if you’re not comfortable yet.”

And you knew he meant it. While the two of you had never crossed that line before, you wanted to use more than just your words to show him how much you love him. You wanted to cherish him, to give him all of you.

“I want to.” You pleaded. Then, you quickly pulled away as a thought occurred to you. “Oh my God, I’m so sorry. I didn’t even think about how you might feel about this. Fuck, Finnick, I–”

Before another word could leave your mouth, Finnick covered it with his own, pushing all the love he has to give into you. He coaxed you right back into the kiss, cradling your head close, softly rubbing the flat scar on your ear’s tip. Through a deep breath, he broke the tender instant to glance back at you. Your mind clouded until he spoke.

“Don’t ever think I don’t want you, Y/N,” he reassured. “There is nothing in this world that I want more than you. What happens in the Capitol doesn’t leave me broken, not when you’re still here. And, if you want me, you already have me – I just don’t want you to feel forced into it.”

As he explained his thoughts to you, his hands were delicately rubbing up and down your sides as to console any feelings revolving around your head. He loved you without needing something physical. You were more than enough for him without anything else than just your presence.

“I love you, Finnick Odair,” you confessed for the second time aloud. “And I want to be yours – mind, body, and soul. For as long as you should have me.”

As Finnick’s eyes grew watery from the words torn from your heart, he acknowledged just the same. “I will love you forever, Y/N L/N. And should I die tomorrow or fifty years from now, my thoughts will be filled with you. Only you.”

And with the words spoken and sealed in a lover’s embrace, you sculpted your lips around each other once more. Finnick was slow to undress you, taking the time to truly admire the woman that you were. Removing your top, he trailed his lips from your neck to the scar on your shoulder and drifted further down to your breasts.

You held your breath as you watched him take your nipple into his mouth, suckling and teasing the bud with his tongue. Sighing, you tangled your hands into his hair, urging him to continue his actions. Doing just that, he reached one of his hands up to fondle your untouched breast, coaxing out more whines from you from the feeling.

Unaware, your hips continued to grind down on his lap, searching for some sort of friction for the growing heat in your core. While you had reached highs on your own hands and fingers before, you never touched a man like this – let alone felt the urge to have every part of him in you. And damn it, did you ever want to feel Finnick fucking Odair.

As he switched between ministrations on your nipples, he groaned into you every time you caught on his swelling cock. His head was filled with nothing but the thoughts of you and how he wanted to taste and touch you. How he wanted to tempt out every little noise you could make as you reached your peak over and over again. How he wanted to drown in you.  

Giving into his raging thoughts, he flipped the two of you around so your back lay comfortably on the cushions beneath you. Hot chocolate cooling and book thrown to some corner in the room, it was just you and him. Nothing else mattered.

Wandering down your body once more, he rid you of your pants and undergarments, leaving you bare in the sun. You were a goddess to him. A picture of perfection. He would never get tired of gazing upon you. Even when the two of you had grown old and grey, you would still be the most beautiful thing, sculpted by the poets themselves.

You watched as his eyes traced your body, and you began to grow self-conscious. Before you could even attempt to close yourself off from him, he grabbed onto your thighs and looked deep into your lust-blown eyes.

“Please, don’t hide from me.” He begged you. “You are the most exquisite being, never forget that. I feel like the luckiest man in the world to be able to even glimpse your beauty.”

Sentiments swelling your throat, you nodded up to him and relaxed into his touch. Seeing your newly eased state, he kneeled on the ground as he pulled your legs over his shoulders. Gazing upon your core, a growl emerged from the back of his throat. Your slick heat was practically begging to be filled by him, and who was he to deny such a pretty little thing?

He kissed up the innermost parts of your legs, inching closer and closer to where you needed him most. Before you could issue a complaint to stop teasing, he licked a warm stripe up your pussy, and you gasped. Head thrown back and hands immediately finding purchase in his hair, you were hooked.

He nuzzled his nose into your clit as he began to touch your core with his tongue, forcing out mewls and whines from your mouth. Reaching up his hands, one gripped onto your legs to prevent them from wrapping around his head, while the other spread your lips so he could dive even deeper into you. Flicking and cooing, his tongue continued to taste your slick as he moaned into you from your flavor.

You began rubbing your hips up and down his face as you continued to chase your high. He was too good at this – you’d never last long at this rate.

“Finnick, ahh,” you chanted his name like a choir of angels, and your voice went straight to his cock.

Wanting nothing but his name on your mind, he inserted a finger to begin loosening you up. The slight stretch already elicited a whine of pain from you. His digit was so much longer and thicker than your own, and you had a feeling his length was even more so.

As soon as he felt you relax around one, he slipped in a second. Scissoring around your cunt, he sucked on your clit to keep you slackened. You already felt so full. But as soon as all the discomfort turned to pleasure, you wanted more than just his fingers in you.

“Fuck,” you moaned out. “Finnick, I, shit, I want to feel you.”

He sighed into your pussy at your pleading state. Closing his eyes, he continued slipping his fingers in and out of you, getting you even further toward your orgasm.

“Not yet, love.” He insisted in a gravelly voice. “I want to taste you on my tongue first. You can do that, yeah baby? Want to cum in my mouth? I know you can do it. You’re such a good girl.”

You whined as you shut your eyes and continued stirring your hips on his face. He placed his lips back over your clit and thrust his fingers even faster into your heat. The sound of his knuckles squelching against your wetness was driving him insane, but he wanted to– no, needed to taste your essence before putting his cock into you.

As you felt your climax crawling nearer, your pussy clamped down around Finnick’s fingers, not wanting to let go. Your hips became erratic as you felt the familiar tightening in your lower abdomen – rising from your toes to the tip of your head. Finnick moved and slurped like a man starved, aching for you to lose yourself on him.

With a few more movements and a cry loosened from your lips, you released right into Finnick’s waiting mouth. He cleaned up every last drop, not wanting any to go to waste. You continued to ride out your high as he removed his lips from your bud. Once he felt you tire from your spend, he slipped his fingers out of you.

You watched with hungry eyes as he licked his fingers clean, eyes rolling back as his cock leaked from the wonder of your taste. Moaning as he popped them out of his salivating palate, he quickly moved to rid himself of his shirt. Reaching his arms back behind his neck and tearing the shirt from his torso up around his head, his eyes never left yours.

“I knew you would taste absolutely fucking divine.” He proclaimed to you as he started stripping his pants off. “I bet you feel just as good.”

Gasping, you finally laid eyes on his cock. Thick and girthy, you had no idea how it was supposed to fit in you. While it wasn’t ridiculously long, the stature of it made up more than enough. And as Finnick saw you fixed upon his hardened length, he twitched, which made you whimper up to him.

Bending back down to hover over you, he covered your mouth with his lips, allowing you to taste the salty remains of your own release. Moaning into his mouth, you gripped onto his bronze locks once more, lifting your hips to graze your now swollen clit against him.

He groaned and swiftly grabbed onto your hips to push you down. Backing from the kiss, he asked you one last time, “Are you sure?”

Breathless, you answered. “Yes. Please. I’ve never been surer about anything.”

Staring into your eyes and seeing nothing but certainty, he nodded.

“This is going to hurt, at first.” He stated. “Just try to stay relaxed and I promise you, you’ll start to feel good soon enough.”

Bobbing your head, you dug your nails into his shoulders to brace yourself as he glanced down and began to line himself up to your still-sweating heat. As he pressed the tip into you, you inhaled a sharp breath. Finnick immediately looked up to your face.

“It’s okay. Breathe, my love.” He took his hand and caressed your face. Settling a tender kiss on your lips, you started to breathe normally once again. Taking it as his cue to continue his insertion, he pressed back into you.

Slowly, so achingly slowly, he rocked his length into you. Taking the time to pull back and forth, he was easing you through the tight pain in your cunt. You were biting down on your bottom lip and your eyes were sealed shut from the sting of it.

“Fuck,” he breathed out. “You’re doing so good, baby. Just a little bit more and, shit, I’ll be all the way. God, you’re so tight, fuck.”

Finnick was trying his hardest to go slow for you, but the way that your cunt was compressed around him was like a drug. He wanted more, he wanted to move, but he would never place his own needs above your own. He watched your face for any sign of unordinary discomfort, but he saw none, so he inched further and further until he was fully sheathed into you.

Groaning, he dropped his head into your neck and panted out. As you adjusted to his size, the discomfort subsided. Sighing out as well, you started to lift your hips in your attempt at receiving friction. Finnick moaned and bit down into the softness of your neck.

“Move, Finnick, please.” You whimpered into his ear, already drunk on the feeling of his cock in you. You were so full, practically pushed to the brim, but you wanted more of him. You wanted him to make love to you.

Listening to your words, he dragged his cock through your walls as he moved in and out of you. Feeling your warmth rub against him was nothing short of amazing – there wasn’t anything that would ever compare to the feeling of you.

The two of you moaned in tandem as he thrust a particularly harsh plunge into you. You were scraping his back, leaving red angry lines as you wrapped your legs around his fit waist. Even in your inebriated state, you couldn’t help but admire him. For more than just his handsomeness, Finnick was the most gorgeous thing inside and out, and you couldn’t believe that he was yours. You would do anything for him to smile at you, to give you soft kisses to your temple, to just be.

So, you took hold of his head from where it was leaving marks on your neck, and you clashed your teeth together in a heated kiss. He was quick to reciprocate and grip onto your ass as he continued drilling himself into you, mouth never leaving yours.

You were the one to break the kiss as you leaned back to moan from the feeling.

“Fuck, Finnick. I love you so much.” You were rambling now, high off nothing but the way he was making you melt into his arms. “Please don’t leave me. I couldn’t, ah, live without you. Need you here. Always here. Mmm, my Finnick.”

He continued his movements as he gazed at you, love and lust battling for dominance in his sea-green eyes. “I’ll never let you go, Y/N. You are mine as I am yours. God. I was made to be by your side. Oh, Y/N. To always be with you. Would never leave you. My heart, fuck, is yours forever.”

The two of you were incoherent, rambling sentiments of love and sweet nothings to the other. Both of your climaxes were approaching, wanting to cum at the same time as the other. Skin on skin and sweat dripping upon each other, this was a plea of love, a confessional. Never to leave, always to stay – your hands were tied together as Finnick kissed you softly once more.

In contrast, his hips picked up the pace, as his fingers found your throbbing clit once more, pushing you to reach the top with him. His movements became inconsistent as he grew closer, knowing you were on your way as well by the way you were clenching down on him.

“Come on, baby,” he cooed at you. “Cum with me. You’re so close, love, I can feel it.”

“Yes, yes!” you whined at him. “Wanna cum, wanna cum with you. Ah, almost there, Finnick, don’t stop.”

Moving your hips with him, you both panted as the light grew brighter. He sped his twirling fingers up around your bud, begging you to peak with him. And as the two of you whined and whimpered louder and louder, Finnick thrust hard and deep into you. With this one last push, you both roared a moan as you came in and around the other.

Slowing his motions, Finnick allowed you to ride out your orgasm as he spilled his seed in you. Your legs twitched around his hips as you came down from your high. Head tilted back, you breathed hard and fast as your heart pounded. Finnick wrapped his arms around you as he held you close, still buried inside you.

For just a bit, the two of you stayed like that – together as one. Your pants eventually withdrew and were left with nothing more than the beating of the blood in your veins. He tenderly pulled out of you, leaving you empty of nothing but the soreness in your hips. Rubbing small circles on the aching joints, he kept his head close to yours. He then started kissing all over your face, making you giggle.

Chuckling along with you, he saved you from the attack by pulling away and looking at you with pure love and adoration. Mirroring his visage, you tenderly stroked his cheek as he sighed into your palm.

“I’m going to marry you, Y/N.” It wasn’t a question, but a fact he knew true in his heart.

Your eyes widened at his words, stilling your actions for a moment.

“Not tomorrow,” he laughed at your shocked expression. “Perhaps not a week or month from now, but one day I will. And that day will be the happiest of my life.”

Tears brimmed along your eye line, but it wasn’t sadness blurring your vision. Joy, excitement, and love were making their presence known in this strange way, and you didn’t know how else to respond to his worrisome look except to smile at him. Smile with your heart and soul to the man who was everything to you. And he smiled back the way Finnick Odair only smiles at you: uninhibited and overflowing with fondness.

Nestling into him as he repositioned you both on the seat, you contently sighed into him. This is what you fought for in that arena. This is why you promised that you’d win.

For vulnerable moments like this. For nothing between you and the man you love except the warm skin of your bodies. For the chance to live and not survive. For him.

With those thoughts in your mind, there was only one way you knew how to respond to him: with your truth, not a secret, and not in fear.

“Yes, I will marry you, Finnick Odair.”

#finnick odair x reader #finnick x reader #finnick odair x you #finnick x you #mentor finnick #tribute reader #fem reader #hunger games #finnick odair #smut #finnick odair smut #long ass oneshot

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

WIBTA for inviting my cousin to an LGBT meet up?

Cw: mentions of suicide and transphobia

I (18M) am a trans man and my cousin N (21F) is a lesbian who is very masc presenting. We're the only queer cousins in the family (at least in our generation) so weve always been good friends and shes been one of the biggest supporters of my transition, defended me from bigoted family members and always corrected family when they used my deadname/old pronouns. I lowkey hoped she would come out as a trans man or nonbinary as well. We dress in the same style which makes it so when were hanging out together one of us is gonna get misgendered since people asume both of us are trans men or masc girls. When N is the one being misgendered she doesnt bother fighting it since its more trouble than its worth but looking back i think it really annoyed her.

Earlier this year N was severely struggling with her mental health. I apologize for the wording i may have since i dont know the proper terminology for this stuff or any specific disorder diagnosis she may have (other than autism). She was having some sort of manic or depressive episode. She was dead set on pushing people away and making them hate her so she could take her own life without regrets.

I visited N once to give her my support during a struggling time but i stupidly told her there was nothing she could say that would push me away. She told me not to test her but i kept pushing it and i admit what happened next was my fault. She told me in a very cold voice that she was a terf, though that she didnt want me dead but that "we" (im guessing she meant trans ppl) made it so much harder for her to exist(???????). I didnt let her keep talking just and left her room, said my goodbyes to her family and just cried while driving home.

Im still not sure if she meant it or if it was part of her mental episode and just a way for her to hurt me and push me away. On one hand ig it explains some of her behavior? N sometimes complained when she got asked for her pronouns or being misgendered like I mentioned before. On the other hand, I gen do not believe she has been a terf all along esp with how supportive shes been of me. If she was a terf youd think she would try to subtly talk me out of it, but that has never happened. My friends have nicknamed her schrodinger's terf lol

Anyway, i went no contact with N for a few months for my own wellbeing. During this time i heard that she tried to kill herself a few times, which got her into a mental hospital. She was given higher doses of meds and seems to be doing way better.

We had a family reunion this week and i decided to approach her. N seemed a little hesitant to talk to me but stayed polite. I tried testing her and talked about the effects T has been having on me but she acted like she always had and congratulated me and even complimented me on how deep my voice has gotten. I wasnt satisfied cause i wanted an apology for what she had said to me so i pushed it more. She did end up apologzing but it was a very surface level apology. At this point i didnt want to keep pushing in case it set her off again so i just took her apology (plus i wanted my best cousin back) and spent the rest of the day hanging out with her.

On the way home my mom said she was happy me and N had made up and that i should invite her to the lgbt club meetings Ive been going to this year. It seemed like a good idea to me, she lost a few friends during her episode and she could make more queer friends here. If N is trans and just in denial it could help her get the resources she needs to feel comfortable coning out. If N IS a terf maybe having more positive interactions with trans ppl could change her mind on it. Overall i thought it would be a win for her.

I brought it up to my friends and some of them blew up at me. Their argument was that itd be exposing the other trans ppl in the group to a terf and putting them in danger. I truly hadnt considered this angle so im kinda conflicted now. She had never felt like an unsafe person before and now that her episode is over she feels normal again. Even if she is a terf i dont think she could actually cause harm? I want N to get better but i dont want to put my trans friends at risk.

So tumblr, WIBTA for inviting N to my lgbt meet up?

What are these acronyms?

#aita #am i the asshole #suicide cw

[gettinshiggywithit]

「“ᴍʀ & ᴍʀꜱ”」

Scenario :- “hmmm what about something like being kuni's housewife idk i just want him to come home and eat my meals” ( @diagonal-queen )

Pairing :- kunikida x wife!reader

Genre:- fluff!

Type:- headcannons!

TW:- mentions of sex but no actual nsfw!

A/N :- here’s a little something i did for @diagonal-queen!Hope y’all like it!

Okayyy so you wanna be MRS kunikida huh?

Let’s see what it’ll be like!

First off if you actually make the cut? Congratulations!

You’ve effectively beat out 99.99% of the women population 😭

But no fr if u and Kunikida actually get hitched that means you are his perfect person.

No matter what flaws you have or you think you have,to him it’s all immaterial.

And if you ever get down,remember he chose you!

If you guys get hitched and you wanna be a housewife he’s all for it!

Its very classic, if u know what i mean.

And he kinda likes that at least this one thing could be simple(in his not-at-all-simple life)

Let’s go back to your wedding day shall we?

Okay imagine after a beautiful ceremony yall go back to your room and then have the most romantic night ever.

Just you and him in each other’s company~

After that you move into his apartment and settle down.

Kunikida is a hard working lad so he most probably won’t be around much after your honeymoon.

He goes to work everyday without fail and comes back home to you,also without fail. (Although sometimes he’s a little more scraped up and scarred than usual)

He texts you to see if you’re okay during his breaks and always lets you know when he’s goin on a mission and where.

If he needs to cut communications cos it could interfere with the mission,he tells you and reassures you that everything would be alright

And honestly youre only worried about his and his colleagues safety.

Cos like let’s be real, a relationship with Kunikida would be secure af! Because we all KNOW he would never cheat!

On days where he gets days off he still works at home🥲 (im sorry but buddy NEEDSS to have his stuff in order

But when he’s done he spends his time with you.

Whether it be baking,watching a movie or your favorite show,or just cuddling or vibing,yall are together.

And lemme tell you mans is talll

He’d be the big spoon when cuddling btw!

Oh and on days when he does work he looks forward to coming home to you and unwinding~

Oh and he LOVESS your cooking!

It reminds him of his childhood and it’s just that good.

One time you suggest packing him some lunch for work and he later got sooo much shit from dazai (that bandaged bugget was making kissy faces and shit and jusy not letting mans eat!)

One time dazai sneaks a bite and then he’s like “okay yeah no i get it now”

(buddy takes a bite and says, serious as ever, “Kunikida…this food is truly magnificent! Please tell y/n to make me some on the day before my suicide🥰. He gets promptly whacked on the head☺️)

Oh and this man can COOK

in any instance where youre tired or dont feel like cooking,mans has got it!

Makes a simple yet delicious meal and astounds you~

OH! And imagine for your anniversaries he gives you a card and as you open it he says “doppo poet!” And he turns it into a mini bouquet! (And when i say mini,i mean it.remember guys he can only summon stuff that are smaller than or the size of his notebook!)

Oh and he never forgets important dates😌

He’s a little new to romance but is surprisingly good!

And when it comes to more intimate times, he knows exactly what to do and how to make it enjoyable for the both of you

(ROMANCE AND/OR EROTICA READING KUNIKIDA!!!!)

And in conclusion,

He’d literally be the best husband ever.all parents wish their daughters could marry him

And here you were! Doing just that!

I wish y’all the best frr♥️♥️

Tagging: - @kemis-world @diagonal-queen

All rights reserved © 2023 gettinshiggywithit . Please do not repost, modify or claim as yours.

#🎙jaya speaks #📚jaya’s tales #bsd #bungo stray dogs #bungou stray dogs #bsd kunikida #kunikida headcanons #kunikida doppo #kunikida x reader #kunikida fluff #bungou stray dogs kunikida #kunikida hcs #kunikida x y/n #kunikida x you #Kunikida x fem!reader #bsd x reader #bsd fanfiction #bsd fanfic #bsd x you #bsd x y/n #bsd x female reader #bsd fluff #bsd hcs #bsd headcanons #kunikida bsd #doppo bsd #doppo x reader #💜 dia #💜 wifey💞

[mrchiipchrome]

I hate people who say ‘swearing doesn’t make you cooler it just makes you sound immature’ like bitch I don’t do it for you or to sound cool I do it bc I need to express myself in the way I fucking feel like. Do you expect me to say ‘holy moly I had a really bad lesson’??? Like ffs if I wanna tell my teacher that the lesson went like fucking shit then I should be able to without fucking criticism, I literally don’t even do it for anyone except myself so you can shut your fat ass up and keep failing everything you fucking piece of shit pick me ‘I’m so much better than everyone else because I don’t swear’ ass bitch. Like we’re not even friends so how can you fucking dare try to tell me what to do, unprovoked and unprompted, I don’t tell you to stop being so fucking stupid and yet you are, fucking no ass, no friends, no nothing ass person trying to make me be like her loser ass self like shut the fuck up and disappear not like you’d be missed by anyone you fucking worthless piece of human garbage. Instead of trying to tell me to check my language, try checking the door before you walk in the room you Oompa Loompa, 10000 kg, no sense of style, looking like you got dressed in the dark, paler than a fucking vampire, failure, no one likes you, no bitches, no future ass bitch. She honestly needs to check her superiority complex because she’s truly more pathetic than me trying to find a gf, I swear even if she was the last woman in the world not a single person would hit, looking like an iguana mixed with a trash can and lighter fluid, she looks like the melted version of wheelchair Barbie only if wheelchair Barbie was plus size Barbie, no eyebrows ass bitch, no eyelashes ass bitch, caca eyes ass bitch, shit stained face ass bitch, skid mark ass bitch, looking like her name is skidmore muncy, cankles having ass bitch. When I say that your standards would have to be in Dante’s 8th circle of hell to even look her way I am not fucking lying, her wannabe goody two shoes ass persona is so fucking annoying I swear it makes me want to rip my ears and eyes out the second I hear and see her, and don’t even get me started on her fucking voice that sounds like a giraffes shit hitting your head whilst someone plays an out of tune piano and drags their nails over a chalkboard. Her entire being is like a a cancerous cell, I swear that she’s a failed fucking abortion because there is genuinely no way anyone would willingly give birth to that creature, someone had to have a gun to her mothers head all throughout labour to keep her pushing bc that child would never be born otherwise. I swear I couldn’t be paid to be that annoying ass bitches friend, it would make me even more suicidal than just hearing her from afar would. And she pretends that she’s so good just because she listens to girl in red like fucking congratulations you’re like 90 fucking percent of lesbians, no one cares about your fucking ass music taste because you’re not important, the world doesn’t stop spinning just because you’re listening to some stereotypical artist. I swear she’s like the hitler of the school, you always have to be so fucking politically correct when you’re even near her bc otherwise she’ll start her fucking crying again like shut the fuck up and get a personality. Literally the plain boiled chicken breast of the school, she doesn’t even realize that no one likes her, and that people are only remotely nice to her because they feel bad that she has the personality of a piece of coal, she’s more boring than the word boring. She’s a pimple on the day you take the school pictures, she’s an air bubble in your veins, she’s that fucking annoying ass hoe you never want to see but always do, she’s the paper McDonald’s toys, she’s a hole in the bottom of your shoe on a rainy day, she’s the ball that hits you in the face in PE, she’s everything i strive not to be both looks wise and personality wise because if I end up like her I would legit kill myself.

[loveregrown]

Reimugi are so similar but so different because what dooms Rei is his high empathy & love for people as a whole, that burden of catering to everyone’s needs ending up being the cause of his downfall. Tsumugi doesn't have that, rather than catering to everyone's needs because he felt some sort of emotional responsibility, it was for himself. He wants to be useful because he has no worth otherwise. He was selfish in the way he hurt others even if he had no clue what he was in for at first, selfish in the way he had no self to begin with and yet throws himself away needs to devote himself to someone to stay alive (even to this day with his contract with Natsume), selfish in the way he asked Rei why didn't you do anything. Why didn't you do anything while I was driving that stake through your heart, why didn't you do anything as we made you carry that cross. Apologized to him and wished he could've known & felt how much he was suffering and willing to end his life in more than the mere theatrical sense the enstars world operated on, but Rei wouldn't have made it known anyway. If Tsumugi were in that position, he wouldn't have done anything either because of how discardable he thinks he is. Not because he sympathized with Eichi like Rei did, they never truly understood each other, but because he has no reason to be alive in the first place. If he knew his death would do something good for the world, he would've let himself be killed because that would at least give him some value while being at the bottom of the barrel, and Rei would've too but for different reasoning and that's captivating to me.

Tsumugi never treated him like an "other" despite his admiration and the fact he is by all accounts a genuine Rei fanboy by the time his 3rd year comes around, and Rei is the only one who treated him with a semblance of care, worried about him, told him he could stop only doing things for others if he tried. Obviously projected himself onto Tsumugi and looked out for him despite being a little amused by him, too, Tsumugi finding his interest in him so strange... They are so different at a first glance and their motivations are, too... but they're also one in the same in a way.

Tsumugi is so normal (not really but comparatively and regarding his lifestyle and upbringing and what not. He was allowed to be a child, even if he was a neglected and traumatized one) and Rei is a genius. He hasn't been "normal" from the moment he was born. But they come the closest to understanding each other out of anyone almost immediately because they suffer the same, even if Tsumugi isn't aware of that fact (thinks every tragedy in his life was no big deal, combined with the fact Rei hides the suicidal ideation he was experiencing. Suicidal ideation that made him think the exact thing he had judged Tsumugi for in element, to wish for the rope he was using to jump from the roof to break and for his remains to splatter against the ground without even being scared of the thought). I think Rei having too much empathy and Tsumugi having too little of it makes their death & rebirth at the end of the war so fascinating, because for Rei it's shedding old skin to take another role in the story, but for Tsumugi it's the first time he's actually felt what it's like to be alive and feel pain after being so used to being hurt that he became numb, perhaps he's always been numb to begin with. Anhedonia is all he knew unless he was serving a purpose, and he had to learn from somewhere (his childhood) that it's best to suppress any negativity you may have for the sake of a state of feigned happiness that's more akin to nothingness. Maybe he was trying hard to not be unstable like his mother, someone he fears becoming that isn't touched on enough aside from in Next Door, or in Altered, where he asks Rei if he's just like her now. That's what's so important about Rei being there to watch as he cried, to be the first able to congratulate him on this newfound sense of humanity no matter how skewed Tsumugi still may be, while not having one of his own—or at least, making it out to be like he doesn't, when really it's something that'll always live inside of him. It's something he's had to repress but fails. A heart too big for his body. Tsumugi's heart was too big, too, but rather than being full and beating it was hollow for all his life. Rei knows how similar they are because he's seen him as his younger self from the very moment he walked up and tried to defend him from people Tsumugi didn't see as a problem at all, even compares Tsumugi's homelife to his own. While what Rei wanted is to chase his dreams and be happy, what Tsumugi wants is to help someone else accomplish their dreams. Tsumugi relies on other's happiness to gain his own. Which is a very sweet and pure desire, until it's not, until it gets out of hand. I think about the fact he taught Tsumugi what having a friend means and is like despite not having any true friends himself at the time and it makes me insane, how he and Tsumugi were both surrounded by people and considered popular yet were so alone. Tsumugi had so many connections but none of them actually cared about him, and he didn't know whether they counted as friends either, just as clueless as Eichi was about it despite having a far more positive outlook regarding friendships and human connections... even now, Rei goes out of his way to care for him and make sure he takes breaks to the point of teaming up with Ritsu to do so (I have consistently posted about the significance of Tsumugi's relationship to the Sakuma brothers as a unit but that's not entirely relevant right now but urgh it burns it burns it's another subject I like so much. It's obvious that at least subconsciously, he's somewhat affected by his brother's absence and lack of love.) and then there's the entirety of burning azaleas, where Rei and Tsumugi were partners in crime, to the point Tsumugi found himself unthinkingly saying the little password they had after the fact, simply out of habit... but back to the past. If you think about it, Keito aside and you know how insane that thing is, Tsumugi is Rei's first actual true friend just as he was Tsumugi's.

It's funny how the person someone forced to be a "God" could most relate to was the one who saw himself as nothing but a speck of dust to be blown away, the most willing meat shield, a dog. At their core, when they met, they were both walking corpses. They aren't anymore, and they weren't who saved each other, per say, but they were there to watch each other change. Torturous of a punishment as it is for Tsumugi to still have him care for him... obviously feeling a little guilty for the pain he inflicted upon Rei even if it was in an unconventional way.

#❀ #Altered came out a year ago but this guy is still here. I was thinking about things after making that post about tsumugi #A while back... #long post #uu tsumugi aoba and rei sakuma we should all die. #espost

[lokisprettygirl]

The Night Screams at The Slumber Island (Loki x Female Reader) (Horror Romance) (Dark) (Au) (18+)

Read Chapter 16 here //Series Masterlist

Chapter 17

Summary : You meet Natasha to find her side of the truth and you take a step forward with Loki as you realise that the trauma that bound you doesn't have to stay forever, you just needed the right person to open up to.

Warning: Steamy stuff, Smutty smut, Sub loki, this chapter is long like 5k words long, 18+, discussion of rape, discussion of threesomes and poly relationships, sexual abuse, gaslighting, cheating, drinking, mention of Suicide, discussion of mental illness, therapy, imprisonment, god kink has a potential here, please read carefully. If something triggers you please don’t read it

You heard a knock on the door in the middle of the night and got startled by it, you were in deep sleep and you had a dream about Loki. Your heart had butterflies as you thought about him, you have never felt so fascinated by someone ever like this, he has captivated you so deeply in just a matter of few days, it was not just him being who he was but how he treated you, he didn't have to do anything for you, you weren't his responsibility but he still went out of his way to take care of you. 

The candles had extinguished so you tried to turn the lamp on and fortunately the power was back, as you heard the knock again you got up, almost forgetting that you just had Loki's shirt on along with an underpant. 

"James ..are you alright?" You looked at his horror stricken face and it made you worried.

"I ..did you hear the screaming?" You crossed your arms and invited him into the bedroom. You didn't know how you were supposed to explain this to him now.

"Did you not hear it last night?" You asked him as he sat down on the bed and palmed his face to calm himself down.

"I was so tired yesterday so I fell asleep but..I couldn't sleep today..what is that?" Now what were you supposed to say? A part of you wanted to tell him the truth but you knew it would only cause more problems.

"It's wind" 

"What?" He looked at you shocked and you nodded in affirmation. Making sure you looked as if you believed your own lie.

"The island is like a dome and when the wind collides with it, it makes that howling sound, it's not screaming" you said to him and he relaxed a little, that was the lie Loki had told you and now you felt thankful for it.

"Do you want coffee or tea?" You asked him as he seemed truly unnerved

"I noticed you having tea yesterday..since when?" He asked you and your cheeks felt flushed. You finished Loki's cup of tea after he disappeared yesterday and it was true that you had always been a coffee person.

"It keeps me relaxed" you walked into the kitchen so he followed you, he couldn't help but notice the shirt you had on, were you seeing someone here? Was it the guy you both bumped into yesterday? He didn't want to be nosey but even after the relationship crumbled between you two, which he was to blame for entirely, he had only wanted good things for you. And he had to tell you something but he wasn't sure how he was supposed to do that and not end up looking like a complete asshole. 

"Y/n…I wanted to tell you something" he brushed his hair with his fingers so you looked at him. You knew that look, it can't be any good.

"Say it" you mumbled so he sighed.

"I'mgettingmarriednext year, we got engaged" he blabbed so fast that you almost didn't hear him but you didn't want to give him the satisfaction that this affected you in the least.

"Okay congratulations I guess..when did you get engaged?" 

You asked him and he sighed again, the constant sighing was annoying.

"It's been a year" 

Okay maybe you were affected. A year? He has been with Carol for less than two years when he proposed? Your eyes teared up at the thought, you spent six years with him and you had wanted him to pop the question since the second year of your relationship but he always had an excuse, it was too soon and you both were too young, you understood his point at the time but now you knew it wasn't the marriage but you he didn't want to marry.

"Well good for you two" you passed him the cup of coffee as you walked past him.

"I just want to stay friends y/n..I don't want to lose another friend" you turned around to glare at him as you heard his voice, 

"We were never friends you hear me? Friends don't destroy their friends..I don't want to wake up tomorrow and see you okay? Please leave before that" you told him and before he could say anything more to make this worse you went to your room.

You smashed the bedroom door shut and that's when you allowed yourself to cry, you gave him your best years and it felt as if it was all for nothing. 

You thought about Loki and you prayed for him to be there, you couldn't stop crying, when you opened your eyes you couldn't even see him because your visions were blurry due to tears but then you felt him pulling you into a hug so you clutched your arms around his neck and hugged him as tightly as you could. 

"You're okay princess..you are okay I promise, just let it out and it will feel better" you continued to cry as he whispered softly, you haven't allowed yourself to grieve the end of this relationship with James because worse things happened to you in the meantime and the broken relationship took a backseat in your mind but now that he was here and knowing that he was happy with someone hurt you even though you didn't even want him anymore.

"I just…feel so .. replaceable..as if he didn't give a shit about me" you pulled yourself away from him so he cupped your cheeks and wiped your tears with his thumbs.

"You are not replaceable, look at me" you looked up at him as he said that. "It wasn't your fault, you did nothing wrong here, it's his loss entirely and he knows that too, he knows he has done something unforgivable and he has lost someone so dear to him, even if he cannot man up enough to own it fully, trust me he knows and he regrets his actions but you don't deserve any of this darling, you deserve so much better" And I want to give it all to you. The last sentence merely stayed in his head.

"Thank you..thank you lo" your fingers curled around his neck as you kissed him softly, his tresses were wet from the shower, he smelled so good and you couldn't have been happier to have him there with you right now. You climbed onto his lap as you kissed him deeply and he moaned in your mouth. You loved all the sounds he made during such intimate moments, your thoughts drifted again and you felt so painfully aroused.

"Ummm could you see me when I called you before?" You whispered as you kissed the corner of his mouth, he closed his eyes when he felt your hands sneaking inside his shirt. 

"I could and you look breathtaking in my clothes and out of them too" he whispered softly but he kept his hands to himself, he didn't want to make you feel uncomfortable. Your face warmed at the compliment, he saw your almost naked body, you wondered if he touched himself at the sight, you really wanted him to feel good but you didn't want to overstep and ruin this for both of you.

"Can you stay for a moment?" You asked him and how could he ever deny you for anything anymore? 

You laid down on the bed and got under the blanket, and as you patted the spot next to you he crawled inside too.

"Can you take the shirt off please?" You mumbled softly so he waved his fingers, the shirt had disappeared right out of your sight. The blanket rested on his waistline as he scooted a little closer to you, he was dreaming of this right before you called him, he wanted to lay with you and stay surrounded by the warmth. Your fingers curled around his neck as you caressed his skin with your fingers.

"How are you Loki?" He smiled as you asked him that. 

"I'm soo good darling.. especially in this very moment" you smiled as he said that. 

"I want you to be okay and I want you to talk to me if something bothers you lo" his eyes teared up as the tender words melted in his ears, it was the honesty in your tone that got him, the more he got to know you everyday the happier he felt about the decision he had made that night when he showed himself to you. 

"I will do that, thank you love, it means alot to me" he whispered as he leaned closer to kiss your forehead then he put his head down on the pillow, you both were sharing one.

Your fingers trailed from the Adam's apple and then down, he shivered as he felt your nails dragging from his sternum to the dip between his ripped torso. A month ago you couldn't even have imagined laying so close to a half naked man. However he wasn't really just a man but a divine being in every sense.

You scooted closer to him, pressing your face into the crook of his neck you cuddled him, you needed this, you have spent countless lonely nights since that incident.

 You had no clue that he needed this as much as you did. Your arm rested on his lower back and your fingers kept caressing his soft skin, the touch felt soothing and he wanted to stay this way forever even though it wasn't possible. 

He pressed a soft kiss on your neck and you hummed in delight. So cozy. You felt so cozy and safe in his arms. 

"Lokiiii where do you go to whenever you disappear?" He wanted to tell you the truth but he knew how awful it would make you feel and he never wanted to make you feel that way, especially not in the moment when after such a long time you had allowed yourself to be engulfed by someone so intimately.

"Right where I am supposed to be, get your sleep sweetheart, you need it" he whispered softly so you nodded. He wished he could have stayed for long but he didn't want to get used to this feeling because he knew it would hurt him very deeply when in future you'll choose to go your own way and forget about him. When you'd return to your old life. When you wouldn't need him anymore. Once you fell asleep he got out of your embrace as carefully as he could and replaced himself with a pillow so you won't feel empty. 

His eyes teared up as he looked at you, now that you remembered everything he didn't have to reveal the horrifying truth about the island but he knew you still had a lot to deal with. 

He leaned down to kiss your forehead before he vanished like always, his thoughts were filled with you only now, he only worried about you and he only wanted to keep you happy. 

He has lived a long life already, he has been in love before and he has been with different people of different kinds, even mortals. He remembered visiting earth with Thor when he had just stepped into adolescence and he had several immoral physical relationships with no care or regards about the impact of his actions. Mother only had one rule, no revelation of their real names and their true nature.

He wanted to impress his older brother, women flocked around his enormous physique and he wanted to be the same for them, he wanted to be the center of their attention but on Asgard it never happened, on Midgard however he got the attention he so badly craved. It was during one of those trips when Thor met Trisha, he deceived her to get her to Asgard and that was the moment of awakening for Loki. It was only then he realized that mortals were not playthings, they had feelings just like every living being out there, it was alright when they didn't harm anyone but when he saw his older brother hurting a fragile mortal for his selfish pleasures his whole mentality changed. He learned to be better and he refused to hurt anyone, especially mortals. 

While the gods around him ignored the genuine prayers of those mortals, he tried to help them as much as he could, of course he followed the rules always, he maintained his distance and stayed invisible. He never got attached to them until you came along.

On Asgard as he reached adulthood and when he met her, he thought he had what he was looking for, a companion in life, someone he could grow old with and someone he could rely on for all his life but she changed with time, and unlike him she changed into someone he couldn't see himself loving anymore.

 He had a relationship, even love  but one thing he never got was the assurance, the feeling that he was also someone that needed to be cared for, you gave him that today and his heart kept fluttering at the thought, he could still feel your body wrapped around him, snuggled into him so tightly and that's what lulled him to sleep. 

When you woke up the next morning, Loki was gone and so was James, he left a note behind with his number on it so you crumpled it in your fist and threw it in the dustbin, you didn't need him to be your friend, you can't be friends with him. 

You quickly got ready for school but on the way you visited Clint's house, you knew Clint must be at school and you won't get many opportunities to talk to her. 

Your hands felt clammy as you knocked on the door,so many things to talk about and you didn't have much time. You looked at her shocked expression as she opened the door slightly but before you could say anything she closed it with a loud thud. Why didn't she want to talk to you? 

"Natasha, can we talk please?" You asked her and she didn't respond at all which hurt you "Natalia? Stephen was here two days ago" As soon as you said that she opened the door and pulled you inside the house. She then started pacing back and forth frantically, her eyes remained fixed on you.

"What did you say?" She asked you and your eyes teared up as you walked towards her and hugged her tightly, after the initial shock diminished she burst into a fit of cries herself as she hugged you back.

"I'm so sorry nat..I'm really sorry ..I'm so sorry" you whispered over and over again, She was stuck here because you got her here, it was your fault why she even came here.

"You remember everything?" She asked you as she pulled away so you nodded. 

"When ? How ..is Steph still here?" She asked you frantically and you shook your head in response.

"I sent him away, it wasn't safe" 

"How are you still alive?" She asked you and you sighed 

"I kind of ..want to ask the same thing..what is this and–" you looked at her protruded belly and gasped in realization "Ohhh God Natty" you couldn't help but sob, this was all your fault. Everything was your fault. 

"I had no option..I had to..I'm sorry" she started to weep, leaving you all confused.

"What are you sorry, it's all my fault..i got us here.." 

"It's not your fault y/n.. you got us here but I got myself into this..you warned me…you told me to not trust him..you asked me to leave the place and I didn't want to..so we stayed" You wiped your tears as she finished, you did warn her about Clint, he never seemed like the type of man you could have ever trusted but he fooled her.

"What happened that night nat ..I thought you..died?" She was going to answer you but you both heard the knock on the door so she grabbed your hand and made you hide in the broom closet in the living room before she opened the door. 

"Heyyyy…Clint sent this for you" you recognised the voice, it was Bruce, the creepy teacher. Natasha forced a smile as took the package from him, she could tell he was trying peek into the house.

"Was someone here?" He asked her so she shook her head.

"Ohhh yess Marjorie came in the morning" she told him and he hummed before he left. 

"You gotta go.." She said hurriedly as she pulled you out of the closet

"Nat we need to talk" 

"Not right now, I have the house number I'll call you" 

She dragged you towards the door but you stopped her.

"Are you okay?" You asked her and she shook her head.

 "But this is my life now y/n..I chose it" 

"We can leave..I..I have a plan" 

You told her and she shook her head again.

"I can't leave this place and neither can you..did you get my note? You need to make Steve fall for you" 

"What???" You looked at her confused as she said that.

"Just go for now please" she forces pushed you out of the door then she closed it. You didn't know what the hell she was talking about and what note? 

You somehow got through work and on the way back you met Steve, now you know why you felt wary of him even when you didn't remember anything, he had tried to hit on you and flirt with you when you came here, Nat was Clint's target and you were Steve's. 

You didn't want to talk to him or anyone so you quietly made your way towards the house. 

You had to talk to Nat soon, she seemed as if she didn't want to leave the island anymore, you remembered what Steve said about the island and things it provided, what things?  She was pregnant as well and it worried you, was she even getting the care she needed in such times? 

You cleaned the house up but you couldn't stop thinking, you also continued to long for Loki's company, you cuddled him to sleep last night and it was a huge step, but he left even before you could thank him. As evening arrived you made dinner for two, set the table up and decorated it with candles and flowers you had found on the trees outside, you put out a bottle of red on the table and then you showered. You scrubbed every inch of your skin, you even shaved after a long time and you didn't understand why. As soon as you thought about sex it brought the flashbacks so you stopped thinking about it and you only thought of how safe it had felt with him last night.

"Okayyy ummm a dress that's not too revealing but not too prudish either" you mumbled to yourself as you went through your closet, there was a black slip dress in the closet , it was a gift from Nat so before you two came here so you put it on and did your makeup.

You wanted to look good for him.

"You honestly don't know what you are doing y/n do you?" You mumbled as you looked at yourself, it has been so long since you have seen yourself like this.

You went back to the living room and started the fire in the hearth then you fixed everything before you called out to him. Loki.

As he appeared out of nowhere, he looked around, the room was glittering with candlelights and the fire only, you had turned the lights off, he could see the decor but most of all you ad his whole attention.

"You look beautiful darling" he mumbled softly as he walked towards you.

"Thank you..I just wanted to do something nice" you mumbled nervously. It was a fucking date and he must know that right? He put his hand forward so you gave him yours and kissed the back of your hand softly.

"It's Lovely, I'm not dressed for the occasion" 

"It doesn't matter lo" He absolutely loved that shortened name you used for him. He waved his fingers and you gasped as you looked at his new attire, he had a black suit on ..the white shirt underneath contrasted well, he kept the top few buttons open, his hair was slicked back and he smelled utterly divine. You wanted to eat him, that's how good he smelled.

"You are very handsome" he truly was the handsomest man you had ever seen in your life. 

"Thank you darling" he pulled the chair out for you like a gentleman so you sat down and he quickly took his place. His heart felt filled with several different emotions, you wanted to feed him and you wanted to take care of him. He felt prioritized..

"Do you guys mm…have dates on Asgard?" he smiled as he cut a piece of bread with the fork he had in his hand, he didn't miss the glasses of red wine, you weren't afraid to drink in front of him anymore, you trusted him to keep you safe and he couldn't have been happier.

"We do, but I have never been taken on a date before, I have always been the one to initiate it" 

"That's a shame..I mean" you bit on your lips as you tried to focus on your food "would you look at you?" you mumbled it under your breath but he heard it. He has never seen you so prepped up like this, the dress and the heavy makeup, not that it would have mattered. He loved how confident you felt in your skin but he could also sense the shyness, he made you nervous, not in a bad way though. Never in a bad way.

After dinner, he asked for a dance and there you were in his arms, in the middle of the dimly lit living room, faint music blaring in the background as you moved side to side. Your hands were placed on his shoulders and he kept his on your lower back even though they itched to caress you and touch you further, he didn't want to cross a boundary.

You put your eyes up to look at him so he smiled, your gaze trailed from his ocean deep irises to his soft lips, one of your hands crawled behind his neck to caress his nape.

"I like this ..alot" you mumbled softly and his breath hitched in his chest.

"So do I sweetheart..what do you need hmm? Take it from me" he whispered in your ears as he pressed a kiss on your cheek and a dainty little moan escaped your lips, his words fueled the fire you had in you already.

"I ummm..i ..It's not easy for me lo ..I..It took me years to be able to enjoy a bottle of red in someone's company, a man's company" your eyes teared up so he kissed your forehead.

"I know, I'm not asking you for anything, I don't want you to lose control here, I want you to take it from me, you make the rules here, I'm here to just follow your commands my darling" your lips trembled at the anticipation his words caused so you kissed him softly, very softly but it heated up soon after, when you pulled away you both were breathing heavily. 

You unbuttoned his coat and slipped it off his shoulders carefully. He continued to stare at you as if he was entranced and he truly was. You grabbed the front of his shirt and pulled them slightly apart to expose his bare skin, pressing a kiss down from his neck to the dip between his throat and then you moved lower, your fingers worked the rest of the buttons then you pulled the shirt out of his pants to take it off slowly. He wasn't doing anything, he was just taking it like he said he would. 

"You intoxicate me lo..goshh you're the prettiest man I have ever known" you whispered softly and he shuddered as your fingers caressed the forming bulge over his pants, "I ..mmm..can I touch you please?" you looked up at him and his eyes flickered several different shades at once,

"All yours to do whatever you please darling..please touch me" his soft trembling voice melted in your ears. He unbuttoned his pants slowly and you heard the sound of his zipper being pulled down, that triggered you slightly, you had heard that sound plenty of times in the hospital and it made your eyes tear up. Your arms wrapped around his neck and you clutched onto him tightly to pull yourself out of that state, you wanted to associate and replace these sexual touches and feelings with him, with Loki, he'd never hurt you like that, you knew that. 

"You are okay sweetheart, you are safe, I'll keep you safe forever I promise, I promise" you nodded as he spoke. He'd never hurt you. You chanted in your head over and over again.

"I just want to touch you and make you feel good" you whispered softly so he nodded.

"Do it..touch me love" you looked down and sneaked your hands inside his pants then you pulled them down slowly, his cock sprung out, he was so hard and you couldn't take your eyes off him.

"Ohhh godd" you moaned slightly as you grabbed him, he let out a loud moan as he felt your fist around his cock, this was heavenly, this was too good to be true for him, he wanted to submit and he wanted you to have your with him however you desired. He has never been the one to give up control either but with you he knew he'd do whatever it would take to lessen the pain you had suffered and the pain that still tormented you every waking moment. Besides this was exciting for him too.

"Ohh lo.. you are gorgeous..so beautiful " he hummed at the praise as you pumped him up and down slowly, he looked around before he pressed his head between the crook of your neck, he was standing naked in the middle of your living room, being touched and fondled with so tenderly, everything about the situation only turned him on more and more. 

Your free arm curled around his neck as you held him close to you while you played with him, his cologne hit all your senses and your mind felt clouded.

"Ohhh yess please..oh darling please" he moaned and it made you moan in response, using his own precum you increased the pace slowly, his trembling body was being held by your other arm, his knees felt weak and he felt as if the budding pleasure would be the the ultimate end of him and it'd be the naughtiest way to the end. His arms wrapped around your waist in a firm grip and you loved the proximity, he was so close and that's how you wanted to keep him. 

"I want to make you cum lo..need you to let go, want to make you feel good..so good" 

He moaned as you whispered in his ear, you couldn't even fathom how good you were treating him in the moment.

"am…close..so closeee darling..oh please..just like that" Strings of strained little moans escaped his throat as he slowly reached his peak and he cried out your name as he let go, his cum left its mark all over his torso and your hand, you watched him shivering and trembling in your hold, the after effect of the intense orgasm almost made him faint, if he wasn't a god he probably would have dropped down right there. 

You didn't say anything but drank in the view, he looked so pretty amidst his high, prettier than you could have ever imagined in your head.

"So pretty..are you okay baby?" You whispered softly as you kissed him, the pet name surprised you as well, he wasn't your baby but you wanted him to be, your hand continued to stroke him softly, you didn't want to stop touching his warm flesh. You never wanted to stop.

"Mmhmmm" he mumbled, his breathing were heavy so you grabbed his hand, he stepped out of his pants and you walked him towards the couch to make him sit down

"Stay here I'll be back in a minute" you whispered in his ear and he nodded so you pecked on his lips before you made your way to the bathroom and fixed yourself up, you washed your hands before you changed your panties, they were drenched beyond belief, the whole scenario played in your head and it made you feel flushed again, every inch of your skin was tingling, a smile apparent on your face. You went back to him with a wet towel and cleaned him up as good as you could. 

"You can umm put the clothes on lo" you mumbled to him and he nodded as he looked down "or ..let me..let do it for you?" His eyes teared up as you said that, he didn't know why, he felt overwhelmed sure but he was being too emotional and he needed to control himself. You picked the pants up from the floor so he took it from you and pulled it up his legs, instead of putting the shirt on you wrapped the green shawl he had given you around his shoulders then you sat down on his lap, your hands cupped his cheeks and you made him look at you

"Was that good?" You bit on your lips nervously so he smiled.

"It was everything and more, did you feel good?" 

"I loved it, lo..ummm want to cuddle me?" You asked him and how could he not want that? He felt clingy, even more so now. He laid down on the couch so you laid on top of him, 

"Can you unzip me..the dress? It's constricting" you mumbled so he pulled the zipper down slowly, he wasn't expecting you to take it down to your waist and have your exposed breast on top of him as you laid down but he wasn't complaining at all. 

He grabbed the ends of the shawl and wrapped it around your body, encasing you like a cocoon, that's what you needed at the moment. 

He didn't know what the future would bring for you two. And If you'd decide to let him go after a while, if you wouldn't need him anymore to make you feel safe, if you'd decide to not want him in your life anymore he'd gladly let you go, if you'd never want to see him again someday he would never bother you.

His mother's words rang in his ears and it made his eyes tear up but he would never expect from you to leave everything behind for him and choose the solidarity. You deserved to heal and if he was the means to lessen some of that trauma you had suffered then he wouldn't mind the pain that losing you would bring him in future, his life would still be more fruitful as compared to when he didn't have you at all.

He'd always be thankful that he saved you, he'd never regret his decisions and that was enough. It was more than enough for him.

💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚

#loki #loki x female reader #loki x reader smut #loki x reader fluff #loki x reader #loki x reader insert #loki x reader fic #loki x you #loki x reader angst #loki horror romance #loki horror au #loki au #loki alternate universe #dark themes

[crossdressingdeath]

Jaheira: Drop that stone. You will want your hands free for what comes next. Kyvir: Jaheira... what are you doing? Jaheira: Congratulating you, of course. You have won Bhaal's bloody blessing. Now you think you will step out into the world, and carve your name upon it. Minsc and I, we know better. We stood here a century ago, and watched this same ceremony unfold. We stand here again to show you how it ends: With your bones rotting beneath your father's hall - your name remembered by none. Kyvir: No... Please... Minsc: Jaheira... must it truly be this way? Jaheira: This path was not of our choosing, Minsc. But we must walk it all the same. What about you? Will you protect the world from what he has become? Astarion: I really hoped we could avoid being pawns for a dark god, but here we are, I suppose. I'm with you, my dear. Wherever this leads. Jaheira: Goodbye, Bhaalspawn. Harpers, to arms. Let's defend this city as we always have. Minsc: Boo and Minsc promise to make it swift, evil.

This seems like a good moment to mention that Jaheira's AI... broke this run. So she wouldn't follow me anywhere (I had to control her instead of Kyvir to keep her with the group, otherwise she would literally just stand still where she spawned no matter what I did) and she spent this whole fight standing there doing nothing. Didn't exactly help the tone, although it did make the fight easier.

Anyway. At least with Jaheira and Minsc it's not entirely hypocritical given their history with Bhaal, but Jaheira turning to the vampire ascendant who literally yesterday brutally killed seven thousand people for personal power and openly asking to ally with that guy instead of having any faith in her friend whose literal only misstep so far that she knows of is choosing not to commit suicide by Bhaal by refusing him is still a lot. There's something so self-righteous about Jaheira when it comes to Bhaalspawn; she openly thinks Durge should have died (and she knows full well what a horrific fate they'd suffer given she knew BG2 era Sarevok) rather than obey their father because that's what her sense of morality demands, which I suppose is fair enough on some level but like... the way she doesn't respond like this to anyone else's evil deeds bothers me. I'm not exaggerating, literally yesterday (in-game) Astarion killed seven thousand people and sent their souls to Mephistopheles in a single move for personal power and all she did was grumble about how she was going to keep an eye on him, and now she's asking him to help kill Durge, who in this run only agreed to become Chosen because they knew Bhaal would immediately kill them for saying no. There are so many points in this game where it feels like Durge's actions are treated as worse than everyone else's just because they're Bhaalspawn rather than "just" a vampire spawn or a Sharran or a gith loyal to Vlaakith or what have you, but the game never really engages with that. And I guess an argument could be made that Durge as both a Bhaalspawn and Bhaal's Chosen might be uniquely susceptible to an evil god's control (I don't know what the situation is with Dark Justiciar Shadowheart re the risk of Shar taking over), but even then I'd expect the tone to be more "I'm sorry it's come to this but I have to put you down for the good of everyone including you" and less "You're an evil monster and deserve to die". I'm sure it's all much more suitably black and white if you go full "I am the Chosen of Bhaal and the world is mine for Evil Reasons", but there's something... deeply unpleasant in Durge, feeling like they had no choice but to become Bhaal's Chosen because they knew the most likely fate that would befall them if they refused, outright begging their friends not to fight them while said friends dismiss them as evil and deserving of death with at most a moment's hesitation. If you play Chosen Durge as only doing this because the alternative was death, then Jaheira's basically calling you a monster for not obediently dropping dead for The Greater Good, and the game's total failure to acknowledge that drives me nuts.

#bg3 #durge

[vlovers19]

Thanks for answering my ask. But all the examples you gave they are atleast a year old. Nothing bew. And one year is plenty of time for people to change. Also about tae not liking jimin's album, even if he didnt love it, he could have still supported his friend. I m sure not all memebrs like it equally but all of them supported it. Also what do you mean by jimin exposing his orientation and tae not liking being fake...i dont get it. Could you please elaborate?

How are they a year old. Jimin revealed the moon tattoo on his live barely six to seven months ago.

Okay and what if my examples happened a while ago? They don't mean anything? They are not important? We should disregard them because they are past events? You'd rather focus on the present to prove that they are enemies because this is a time when they are not 'active'

They are in their solo era. You don't expect things to be like how they were when they were still in their group. And like i said, that's how they have always been, private. But anyway, I will still show you some things that you all choose to forget or ignore. Now, let me give you an example. For a long time, Vmin never posted a single selca with each other. I think at the time, it was more than six years. Suddenly, around 2020 and 2022, Taehyung dropped this selcas (I'm not sure the exact date) it was unexpected and no one had thought he would do that since they rarely cared to show us their pictures

Alright, let me come a little closer. During Jimin's birthday. Everyone sent him their birthday messages. Even Jungkook uploaded a thirst video congratulatuing Jimin, Jhope uploaded all sorts of pictures. Jimin didn't react to any of them at least not publicly but Taehyung was the last to congratulate him. All he did was tweet a photo of them together. That was the only one Jimin reacted to publicly. He even had posted it on his Instagram story. The first time he did such. Talk about priorities.

During Taehyung's birthday mind you which was last December, Jimin was truly active that day. Everyone is aware of that

Just this March during Jimin's live, Taehyung commented

Also not too long ago, Jimin posted this crying selfie of himself where Taehyung reacted by saying if he hadn't posted it, he would have done so during his birthday.

Again, Jimin travelled to Paris with Jhope for a fashion show and while he was there, liked an old photo of Taehyung watching the moon on Instagram. This very picture below

During one of Jimin's recent weverse live, a fan had asked him if he still fights with Taehyung. Jim responded that he doesn't fight with Taehyung anymore. What would he be fighting him for? Then chuckled afterwards.

Now, let's come to the time when Jimin finally dropped his face album. Obviously, Taehyung had been waiting for Jimin's song release and Jimin posted the following during set me free video release, that he hoped everyone enjoyed his song to which Taehyung responded that he did (whether he really enjoyed them or not)

Now here is one interesting thing Taehyung did prior to the album's release. Taehyung posted himself dancing to this video.

Now, if you don't know who the person on Taehyung's TV screen is, then I'll tell you. That is Leslie Cheung, a famous Hongkong singer and actor. However, what was very peculiar about this man was that he was a bisexual who had been in a relationship with his friend a man for more than twenty years before his untimely death due to suicide.

Now let's look at Jimin's video like crazy and notice some of the things that pointed to the possibility of him being a part of the lgbtq society. Many have already analysed the video but I will repeat their findings here.

Showcasing the female version of himself

How he struggles with this other female persona.

Then there is the pants he wore with the picture of a certain man boldly displayed there. That man was Robert Mapplethore, a gay photographer known for his controversial pictures depicting the lgbtq community at a time where the heat against gay people was extremely fierce.

Now, what do you think about that? Isn't Jimin being obvious while at the same time being subtle.?

And from this point on, Taehyung became remotely silent for reasons best known to him and Jimin. Others where busily promoting Jimin's album but not him and because of this, the Vmin divorce allegations began. Haters found another reason to troll them but neither him nor Jimin cared to prove that it's otherwise. If they both worried so much about fanservice like a lot of people believe, they would have done something by now but they didn't almost like they are up to something.

Somehow, I think people are a bit worried. What are they hiding that they can't be more public with themselves. Why can't they be like others. You want them to show you everything so you can prove that they are doing fanservice but they won't do that.

Personally, i think Jimin likes Taehyung a bit too much. More than he would care to admit which could explain why he could be a bit more standoffish towards him sometimes. It's like he's trying to balance things so it seems fair for everyone but in the end, he tends to overdo it. You can tell from Taehyung's reaction that he has no problem with Jimin, even asks him to exercise, asks him about his back pain. What people often see is Jimin's 'cold' reaction towards him. Taehyung is a mature adult. He should be able to sense someone's hostility towards him. If they really hated each other, he wouldn't have even bothered talking to him or even mentioning that he invited him to exercise but Jimin didn't come for reasons best known to him. (Which is still suspicious considering Taehyung's smirk during his recent live) However, there are a lot of things these two are hiding which makes them a danger. People are busy making a lot of noise just like they always have. It's nothing new. We've all been there countless times but in the end, they prove us wrong time and time again so the only thing I can tell you is that from what I have noticed, they both know exactly what they are doing. People should simply just be patient and let them be. Thank you for the ask.

#vmin #Bts #Jimin #Taehyung

[philsmeatylegss]

aaa sorry hopefully you're okay with people responding to your rambles (your most recent one that talks about suicide). just wanted to say i'm very very proud of you for healing and i can relate to your post.

hopefully you are okay with me sharing this story but im a young phannie, im 15, and i found them when i was 11 which was a few months before quarantine hit. extremely long story short, for me 11-13 years old were the scariest years of my life and i don't think anything will ever come close to that again (thank god). that's when i used to rely heavily on dan and phil videos (mostly phil). like i just have so many memories of like i don't know, being on a road trip with my family and being completely out of my mind but i would turn on an amazingphil video or a song that amazingphil mentioned and desperately try to immerse myself into that rather than my thoughts. now that i'm 15 (which is like. unbelievable honestly) i see their content on my feed but i rarely ever engage anymore, and when i do it feels like making my inner child happy. it's weird to think that something i held very close to me and that kept me above water for so long belongs in the past now along with really deep trauma. even if i ever get back into binging phil's videos (i probably will because man he is so nostalgic to watch and i just love him) i'm sure i will never engage with them the way i used to, because i'm simply not the same person. it's sad and also really euphoric and healing at the same time to watch yourself let go. anyways that's my 3am rant lol (i have yet to lose younger me's sleep schedule) thank you for listening and please have a wonderful day/night ❤️

I literally relate so hard to this and it’s really comforting to hear similar stories to mine. I fucking hate when people dismiss mental illness if the person is <14. Ages 12-14 were truly the most terrifying years of my life where I truly believed I would not be able to keep living. I’m very thankful I was surrounded by people who took it seriously so I was able to get help early on. But it’s so important to recognize the little things that also got us through. I know there’s a lot of people who roll their eyes when you say this musician or content creator or actor or whatever saved my life and that’s because people take it too literal. I do credit dan and phil and twenty one pilots with saving my life. Obviously, it wasn’t just that. It was years of therapy and medication and healing, but their content, what they brought into my life, was something I needed to hold on to. It gave me motivation. It was a distraction from pain that wasn’t harmful to myself. I connected with people who I truly felt understood me. And that’s something I needed during that period of my life. Now that I’m older and developed a personality and I’m so far from where I was, I don’t need to be obsessive because I don’t need a constant healthy distraction to get me through life. I can just be a regular fan. And still enjoy that little rush of joy I get when they upload. It’s such a unique experience that, though I am so sad people can relate to, is so important and interesting to discuss. I often joke about being suicidal and really mentally ill at a really young age and I know a lot of others do too. And that’s okay, but it truly is important to congratulate yourself for still sticking around. Even if you are still depressed or unhealthy. And it’s okay to have motivations like being a fan to keep you happy and to keep you going. It’s also okay if you’re getting older and you want to let go a little bit. You don’t have to completely abandon it. I know I’m so fucking far from abandoning dnp and 21p. But it’s okay to not be as obsessive as you were. It’s a sign you’ve grown up. You’ve healed. I appreciate so much what dnp and 21p did for me and I still remain a loyal fan, but it’s okay for me to let go because I can live without needing them. Being suicidal at such a young age is a very specific, tragic experience that you can only understand if you went through it. That’s why it’s hard to discuss topics like this without sounding batshit crazy. But I’m glad some of us are here talking about it.

#asks #dan and phil

[dear--charlie]

Dear Charlie,

it truly has been a while hasn't it? i am writing today because I think that I am finally, truly, reaching my limit. what I mean is

i think i'm going to kill myself.

i'm writing this so that maybe someone, somewhere, will remember who I was past all of the sadness that will come from me killing myself. i think this is less of a suicide note and moreso a recollection of what my life has been.

i can't remember much from my childhood, undiagnosed did has a funny way of passing that trauma on to others. that was a meant to be a joke, but i guess it kind of sounds sad... anyways, my childhood was a giant conglomeration of my mother not being around or loving me enough, my aunt hating me because she hated my mother, and me not knowing my dad. in those days i only had my grandmother, but she passed last year so now i have no one.

i have a few friends, a handful of them. maybe four of them really... two of them are close to me, in proximity i mean. they suck, but they try sometimes and i know that. i also know that i never asked too much from them, but that reassurance never made me feel any better for asking or arguing. the other two are far away. states away in fact. online friends i've had for years. i met one of them for the first time the other day. if they find this letter somehow i hope they won't be mad at me for saying that their mom is a piece of shit... the other i'm supposed to move with in august even though we've never met. it was something i was hopeful about, but now it is something that only adds to my wanting to kill myself.

the past month has been one of the best i've ever had and i think that is why i want to kill myself... because really it's been shitty, but maybe that will offer any readers of this letter clarification.

i wanted to participate. really i did, but it never seems to work in my favor... but this time it was. it did. i like this kpop idol. not mark lee (i'm in the process of removing that parasocial relationship from my life, so that i can become less dependent on the idea of how we were meant for each other because even i know how insane that sounds). this kpop boy is from a smaller group. i've never tried so hard for an idol ever... i bought him clothes and wrote him letters everyday for half a year and now still write them sporadically, i bought albums and photocards and got into fancalls. he learned english for me so he could congratulate me on getting a job and tell me not to fight with my roommate and tell me that he missed me and loved me. had it written down on a piece of paper so he could remember to say everything. this past month, i blew all my money to see him in concert, twice. i paid for the vvip ticket, the snapshot photos, got barricade at both concerts. he smiled at me the whole concert, danced into my camera, gave me hearts, made sure i ate (made me pinky promise him i would), took my phone on stage and sang the words "I'm sorry i love you so much, I'm sorry you're hurting" into my camera, mumbled a soft thank you (in english) before passing my phone back to me... at snapshots, i knew i was stupidly head over heels. he stared at me as i went to the other members lines, mouthed my username to me excitedly when i was waiting in the line next to him... he saw me and his face lit up, he held my hands to "give me his energy" took the picture while looking at me so endearingly that for a second i felt like someone actually fucking loved me. called out to me as i was walking away just to say goodbye again. he asked me to take off my mask at the second stop, smiled even wider, looked at me with even more love, mumbled "so cute" as he squeezed my hands a little tighter... it was so magical. it was the happiest i think i've ever been... so it hurt even more when it was over.

he's back in south korea and i'm still in stupid fucking florida.

the world is crumbling to shit and the only person to look at me with so much love is far away and i don't have rights to my own body and i work a job everyday for 2 and half hours that only pays me $12 an hour and i have to have rent by the first of august and two rooms packed up and my mom hates me and makes me feel like the biggest mistake she's ever made and tells me she hates that i don't care and i'm tired...

well my roommate just got home... the one i'm not supposed to argue with because my kpop boy told me not to. so i'll stop this letter and wipe away my tears and listen to my stupid one direction and make our dinner and pretend that i'm not planning on how to end it all...

i guess i just wanted to come say i'm tired and i think this time, i'm really going to kill myself and i'm really sorry to anyone that might hurt.

Love always, fat girl (T)

#dear charlie #fat girl

[cutebutahandful]

the things they don't tell you about failed suicide attempts:

you will wake up in pain. whether hours after the attempt or a day, you will be in pain. whether pills, poison, blades or gravity, your body will make its grievances known once the meds wear off.

if you, like me, get absolutely manic in the lead up to killing yourself and you spend your last few days spending/giving away/just fucking burning through all the money you've worked so hard to get - bc you can't carry that shit into the afterlife anyway - please make sure you actually die bc your family will forgive u, your friends and colleagues and partner will forgive u but your bank account won't. capitalism is unforgiving and the climb up once you've reached stability is almost enough to want to make you off yourself again

not only are you broke from spending your lifetime savings away, you now have hospital bills. congratulations.

the psych ward actually feels comforting after a while though and you will have a favorite nurse and favorite bed by your third time in

also the years that you tried to destroy yourself, kill yourself, fail, rinse and repeat? during this time, normal people are building their lives, saving up for big life events, mapping out the futures they want - all of these are essential life skills and you will only realise this once you're past desiring death

you will be sent lots of flowers but you can only view them at the nurse's office bc theyre worried you'll break the vases and use the glass to cut yourself again

you also can't charge your phone in your ward in case you use the cable to strangle yourself again

people will ask you what made you stop being suicidal - it is hard to tell them that it wasn't that you magically turned over a new leaf, you were just embarrassed you were down 0-5 in the game of scar vs life bc death keeps rejecting u. and you tried real fucken hard too :(

you realise (like really, actually, fully and truly fucking realise) that a) people love you and b) man they really fucking love you bro

in that vein - you don't believe whenever people tell you "it gets better" (that hasn't been true in ur experience) but what is true is that the people saying that are people who love you. and you know they want the best for you and would never lead you to a future that would harm you bc they've shown the past few years how much they've cared for and protected you. so while this idea of a better future is still fuzzy and out of reach in your head, you will allow yourself to hold hands with the people who love you and let them walk with you to wherever it gets better.

(sometimes you spiral and fall and let go of their hand and it's hard to speak out and they don't realise bc they didn't know you've taken a tumble, they just assume you've slowed down and will be right back in a jiffy - they also have other things occupying their attention in front so they haven't looked back)

(and its easy to feel resentful and small and unlovable again when you're gone and hurt and no one has noticed and must you cry and bleed and wound yourself again before people notice? but you know these are old ghosts and you're a better exorcist now so you tell them to be quiet and you focus on small movements at a time)

first you're on the ground and then you're on your knees and then slowly and slowly you pick yourself back up. you take a couple small steps and theyre tentative and unsteady but they're there

and it takes a little time and sometimes your person will realize you've fallen and they'll come back to help you up, help steady you

whether they do or not is immaterial - the most important thing is that you got back up.

you will keep falling again, even when you follow all the rules, even when you avoid all your past vices, you will be made to trip and you will fall.

but falling is nothing in the grand scheme of things - how many pills have you swallowed? how many substances have you ingested to ensure your organs refuse to work? how many cuts did it take before you stopped feeling pain and the euphoria set in? how many minutes did you last even when the wire chokes your neck and you're second guessing asphyxiation bc MAN this shit fucking hurts. after every ER visit where they stomach pump you free of the things you need to kill you, you had to restart and rebuild, and you've done both better than neurotypicals.

like a grand architect building a tower of dominoes, you're always at a peak before you bring it all down but you've always always gotten yourself back up. and now that you've chosen (whether voluntarily or not) to live, you get to choose how to live too.

what they don't tell you about failed suicide attempts is that in the life after each of this failed attempt, you are both the marble and the sculptor - you no longer end things, you Create.

and you are the best creation if you choose 2b

#lilscarbigfeels

[incarnateirony]

K. well, her attitude just made me decide to stop being a thin line. In other news, my camera focused, and the fog here seems to be rolling out. Good luck with your future hopes and aspirations at the doctor never managing to make it to material reality.

Truly the self obsessed bitch is there trying to pretend she's pumping and preening the curls she shaved off from spontaneous urges to rip off instead of knowing what this means and slapping up failsafes that won't work. Congratulations, bitch, you literally stalked me for *three solid years*. Three years. you dedicated three years of your life and set off a series of bombs where your remaining support is a random crying fuckboy, a bad fic writer, and a j2 tinhat bundle trying to stir shit for you.

And then you're SO STARVED FOR ACTUAL ATTENTION that after I *IGNORE YOU* for *THREE YEARS* you act *SPECIAL* that you are getting *SPANKED* for being proven as a *FRAUD PLAGIARIZING MY WORK.* DOES YOUR CRYING MANBITCH NOT TOUCH YOU OR SOMETHING??? I KNOW I DIDNT WANT TO, IS THAT STILL A PROBLEM??? For Three Years you could have been taken down. Nobody fucking cared you existed until you bleated and bitched and moaned in discords trying to start shit for six perpetual months while stealing something that wasn't yours. Is that it?? you really just want my attention this bad even if you know what's going on. You are truly going for suicide by god ok

Go back to your make believe and charging people for what you'll change day to day like the professional con artist you are. Won't stop September.

[remoomerr]

Hey! I needed to write this. Because you have no fuckin' idea how much you have hurt me. But I won't go down to your level, I'll try to be very gentle while writing this. This is where I will make a huge difference. Even after what you did to me, I'll still be nice to you. I am nice to you. Since you last hugged me tight and met me on the 1st of July 2022, very confidently claiming "I can never cheat on you. I can't handle you as an individual, it is impossible to manage two". And then, you ghosted me. I tried reaching out to everyone. I begged everyone. I begged just to speak to someone whom I love. Begging for love, huh? I was so miserable and broken, I tried committing suicide. Yes, I did. You pushed me to the verge where I overdosed but was saved by my parents. I wanted to take my life. This is foolish that I still wanted to reach out to you. But then I saw you making sex tapes since August with some other guy. You have no remorse, and I'll tell you why? You're a cheap, miserable, hypocritical human being who uses humans as tools. When the relationship was stormy, you did the easiest thing instead of fixing it, and that was running away. You are or were a psychologist, right? You don't have any idea how much you mistreated me? Yes, I was wrong in some places, but I was never wrong to you. All you fucking did was find someone behind my back whom you can now use as a tool now and moved on. If you loved me even an inch of what you always claimed day in and out, you would have the audacity and basic humanity to even talk to me just once. It took you days to get in bed with someone else. Just to feed your broken self-esteem which is irreparable, btw because to repair, it needs a lot of courage and self-introspection but you are a coward and a terrible human being. Congratulations on hurting me so badly, that now I don't even look up to loving someone ever again! Happy? Why? Because someone did the same to you, right? You had to satisfy your ego and self-esteem. You to date, gaslight me, make fun of me in front of your loser friends, and whatnot. Do you think your actions would never come back to bite you? Do you really think that way? I still wish you the happiness you want but the only mistake I made was to truly love you, trusted you, ignored all the red flags, and tried fixing you.

Do you really think all the tears I shed every night won't come back to you? We'll see. Take care!

#journal #heartbroken #heartbreak #hurtful #im hurtin #fake love #terrible things #screaming crying etc

[naughtsonidhi]

Adiós hermoso viaje!

Well, here we are about to finish another 365 days, 5 hours and 59 minutes on Earth. Congratulations! for triumphantly eating and excreting, great job you mortal creatures, keep going y'all.. aight chill I'm not going to start ranting about my philosophical frustration (I'll save it for next time). I'm here to tell you that I'm equally glad too, this year was perhaps like a blessing in disguise.

When the year started, I made few terrible and good resolutions, lets keep the terrible ones aside and go through the good one (Yup, there's only one), I planned to finish reading one book per month, and let me tell you about some of them, also please note that I'm no Bill Gates, I am not trying to tell you that you should read them too, the only reason I want to share about them cause I am kind of overwhelmed by how I stumbled upon these good books.

Homo Deus by Yuval Noah Harari : I read 'Sapiens' last year and was blown by the history and evolution that Harari explained to my naïve mind, but this one slapped my leftist beliefs, he articulately brought a bigger picture of human civilization, right from religions to politics, Harari fed me so much of perspective.

The Prophet by Khalil Gibran : I remember reading this one in almost two days cause it was short. I wasn't amused though, it was poetic and full of wisdom but I couldn't consume enough or was very rigid to grasp his simple writing.

The Old Man and The Sea by Ernst Hemingway : Hemingway was long due on my reading list, finally had my hands and mind on it, good story but I felt I was too old for fictions.

The Myth of Sisyphus by Albert Camus : I can keep talking about Camus all day but for now lets keep it short, so this one was a gift to myself last year, it took three damn attempts to reach the actual essay of 4 pages, Camus gave me hard time with all the details he connoted on philosophical suicide, but since then I've managed to imagine Sisyphus happy.

21 Lessons for 21st Century by Yuval Noah Harari : I bought a cheap original hardcover book, and damnson! it was totally worth it, Harari questions everything, morality, faith, future and our actions and he does it so gracefully. Also, I feel so proud for keeping up with all 3 major works.

Treads : A poetry book from Surat's Moonstruck Café, a soothing read. I don't know how I ended up being into poetry but poems are intricate way of expressing and poets are humans full of notions. This book had wonderful sketches and illustrations, felt like an ode for the eyes and heart.

The Almanack of Naval Ravikant by Eric Jorgenson : I must tell you, I was hell skeptical about this one, my homie and I had been to Kitab Khanna and he offered me to pick any book I like, it was on him, so like a crazy Camus fan, I searched the whole place for his work and was disappointed to hardly find any, so he ended up by picking this one, when I completed this one, it felt like a breakthrough of my life, it was truly good.

Free Will by Sam Harris : On my solo trip to Jaipur this year, I stayed at Zostel and I found this book in their shelf, although I had carried a book already in my bag I couldn't help my self from picking this one, I literally held my self from sleeping that night, I thought I could simply complete it before I left (which I did), so that I wouldn't have to buy it later (yeah so gujju of me). This one was a bit nerve opening (hah! if you know what I mean), the scenarios that Harris presents are unanswerable, we (humans) are truly complex in nature, also yes there is no free will biochemically.

The Power of your subconscious mind by Joseph Murphy : Back in 2019 my biological brother gifted me this one, I kept procrastinating to even start, I feel so stupid for not considering as a decent book, but this year I wanted to get it off my list, and when I did, it felt like a relief, it was like a band-aid on my scar and as I believe, better late than never. I am just glad I could finish it with an open mind.

So, yeah I'm only 9 (books) down this year, people often tell me I seem like a person who reads a lot, but that's barely true, I just attempt to, cause books give purpose, there is so much to learn, feel, and fathom. I was adamant on reading self help books and so far was engrossed with philosophical ones, but here I'm open to all of it out there, so this year even though I couldn't keep up my resolution of reading 12 books, I feel like I've still made it. I also tried reading Orwell's 1984 and Shakespeare's A Midsummer's night dream and even Julius Caesar but I put them down from halfway, maybe when the right time comes I would complete them.

So to all my homies who share, suggest and encourage me often. Right from reading Aeon essays together, to gifting me great books, letting me share books with a note on it (that's my absolute favorite thing to do), also, sharing articles, passages, quotes' and even standing by me when I buy books, I'm grateful that y'all exist. Also to someone who is probably living in minus 3 degrees, my muse for reading and my reading list is inspired by you, so if the universe can conspire my message, I'd thank you.

Its been a wonderful journey, each book has mended me, held me, questioned me and consciously changed me.

#dark academia #albert camus #sam harris #yuval noah harari #gibran

[generalcircus]

Is Bad BO The Worst Smell Known To Man?

Yes. It is. We all know that person. Either a co worker, family member or friend, with body odor so repulsive we would rather go without breathing than inhale whatever the hell is responsible for that retched smell. Personally, I'd rather smell my dead grandmother's snatch than someone's BO all day. Too far? I take that back. I would rather smell BOTH of my dead grandmothers' snatches over someone's bad BO. Yep. And if you disagree, odds are you've never smelled truly BAD BO because you're probably the one with the assholes for armpits.

However, there's good news for us normal armpitted people. So before you get too grossed out and depressed about having to go in to work tomorrow and smell that familiarly awful set of pits, I have a solution (other than getting covid) to forever end this unjust assault on our nostrils. I've spent months, if not years (probably more like 10 minutes) coming up with a set of rules to solve the stinkiest scent once and for all.

They're simple:

People with bad BO should be forced to either...

A) Put on deodorant more often than I use chapstick (like every 6-10 minutes)

B) Get an armpit transplant (If this isn't yet a thing, well congratulations already understaffed medical field, I just created like six million new jobs so you're welcome)

C) Agree to work for the government as a human torture device because God knows we'll get the truth out of anyone after like five minutes of being exposed to that (I don't normally condone torture, but these monster's already torture innocent humans so why not have them torture more deserving folks)

OR

D) Be put on lifetime house arrest with the threat of a slow and painful death should they ever step foot in public again (Work from home? How about live from home)

That's it. Those are the options. Seems like a pretty fair deal to me. You smelly freaks are finally held accountable, and the rest of us can actually eat around you again without trying to mask your BO with our vomit. Win win.

And I get it, maybe it's not totally your fault you have body odor so obnoxiously horrible that everybody including your own mother hates you and wishes you would overdose on Febreze plugins. Maybe it's genetic or maybe it's your environment. But also... Maybe it just doesn't matter, because you're not the one who contemplates suicide every time you're within smelling distance of yourself. We are. The innocent, honest, hard working normal smelling people. You may not deserve your God given pit gas, but we DEFINITELY don't deserve to smell it. So I'm sorry but this is just the way it has to be.

Get it fixed. Thanks.

#humor #funny #lol #comedy #hahaha #haha #omg lol #funny blog #lolol #hilarious #sarcasm #monday thoughts #monday #blog #creative #smell #coworkers #gas #barstool sports #lmao #ew #truth