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pressedinthepages · 3 years

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Sidetrack: Jaskier

Summary: In which there is an answer (sort of) to the age old question: What The Fuck is Jaskier?

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(There is a link on my page where you can be added to my taglist :D)

A/N: THE FINAL PIECE TO THE PUZZLE. Thank you so much to everyone that has stuck around, and I am so thrilled with this final bit of the series :)

Jaskier had always been an odd child. He was never quiet by any means, always humming and babbling even before he could really talk. His eyes always shone a bit too bright, and his feet would take him to wander as far as he could before being swept up by his nanny.

As Jaskier grew, so did his hunger for something more. His fingers itched towards the lute, and for any and every instrument after that one was mastered. There was an ache deep in his stomach, one that could not be quenched by food or drink. He yearned to follow the sun as it set, trying to find the line behind which it sank every night.

Something pulled at him, leading his feet to take him past where his eyes could see. And Jaskier didn’t look back as he finally gave in to that urge. He played his way through cities and courts, for knights and peasants. And yet he still felt incomplete, still felt that hook buried deep in his chest, yanking him towards more.

But as Jaskier watched the Witcher with the bright silver hair make his way out of the tavern in Posada, he felt his soul being pulled along behind. So he packed up his lute and followed along, despite Geralt’s best attempts to keep him at bay. Soon enough, the Witcher even started to tolerate Jaskier, even if he wouldn’t admit it.

And who could blame Jaskier for falling for Geralt, anyway? Sure, it started with lust, as most of Jaskier’s encounters do. Big, strong Witcher with a voice like honey-coated gravel and thighs that one would wish to be crushed between, what more could a bard want?

Soon enough though, it turned into something much deeper than Jaskier could have ever imagined. Every fiber of him was alight while at Geralt’s side, and the words of worship poured out of him. Everywhere that they traveled together, the people sang his songs praising the White Wolf.

When they would part, Jaskier would sequester himself away at the University, teaching to get by and to ignore the void which clawed at his insides. The moment that the snow would start to fall, his bag would be packed and waiting by the door, every single year.

Twenty years, the two of them traveled together. Closer than Geralt had ever allowed anyone to get to him. They shared food, wine, beds, warmth, even a woman on one quite memorable occasion. But all of that had been thrown to the wayside atop a mountain, chucked over the cliff to tumble to the bottom.

“If life could give me one blessing, it would be to take you off my hands,” Geralt had said. A part of Jaskier died that day as he trudged alone down the mountain. The wind bit at his nose and he rubbed his hands together for warmth, but nothing could soothe the ache in his bones from his soul being ripped out of his chest.

Jaskier was back to wandering, but now it just felt empty. He knew what would quell the anguish, but it had sent him away. So he tried in vain to fill the gaping hole in his chest. As the next spring rolled around, filled with sprawling fields bursting with life, Jaskier curled up cold and truly alone.

He wasn’t quite sure what exactly happened, but from one day to the next, something quite drastic changed. Jaskier began to see the world in all of its futures, and the people themselves in the destinies they chose to create.

It was poetic really, that the man who spent half of his life telling the stories of another’s destiny found himself so woefully intertwined within everyone else’s. And he found himself going back, rewatching the pain wrought upon his life atop that mountain, forced to witness the endless pining from behind his own eyes.

He wandered further, seeing countless futures laid out before him, and he knew that he could reach out and change them in the blink of an eye. But he felt no urge to change, no. those decisions should be made by the people themselves. But if they only knew what could be, maybe they would have more of a chance.

Jaskier soon found himself atop another summit, but now he only observed as a Witcher lay dying. The hulking figure was curled on his side, the blood pooling beneath him in a cruel wash of bright red. His swords lay just out of his reach, and his dark hair was strewn over bright golden eyes, so similar to those that Jaskier gazed into for so long.

And suddenly, a new figure burst through the trees to fall at the man’s side. She was striking, visibly strong and had two swords strewn across her back, and she grasped at the dying man on the ground as if he were her only hope left in the world. As the blood stained her hands Jaskier knew that he had to fix this story.

And so he did. He went back to a tavern in the middle of nowhere, finding the two Witchers leading their horses into town, along with a little goat that stole Jaskier’s heart. And then, when he finally sat down before the woman, he saw the story behind her eyes of how their story was meant to end.

At heart, Jaskier was a bit of a meddler. Sure, it had gotten him into trouble a few times, but it had paid off many more. As he spent his days trailing behind these two hopelessly in love idiots, he felt the pull behind his stomach less and less. Instead, as he watched the warmth bloom in sweet golden eyes, his heart swelled and he felt whole in a way that he hadn’t in a long time.

Jaskier’s heart skipped a beat when they all walked into Kaer Morhen and saw Geralt by the fire, younger than Jaskier had ever known him. He could feel the cracks in his heart that entire winter, but felt them fill with mortar watching his two charges fall further and further in love.

And there may have been a hiccup or two, but with a little nudge in the right direction, his two Witchers walked back down together, closer than ever. He watched from afar as Geralt headed straight for tragedy, but that was a destiny that was far larger and more complex than he would dare to meddle with.

And finally, finally, in a great field of poppies and buttercups, of which Jaskier was quite enamored with, thank you very much, his two great ding-dongs professed their love. Maybe their destinies would take them further, or maybe this was the final spot for them, and anything that happened after was out of his hands.

It didn’t matter. Jaskier was whole, and he knew that his Witchers were as well. And no one knew quite better than him:

Hollow things seek to fill their emptiness.

#hollow things #eskel x reader #eskel #jaskier #is not quite right

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yunsoh · 4 years

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'idk if i have any hard opinions on this blog' yeah right LMAO: don't get me started on komaki and kakeru

FAIR LMAO. okay. my issues with kakeru and komaki as a couple really isn’t down to just their characters, but is very heavily rooted in komaki’s place in the story as a whole.

kakeru’s character is really interesting and rich in the face of characters like tohru and yuki, in that he’s pretty emotionally selfish and struggles to empathize with others without majorly stepping on some toes first. this character trait is emphasized especially when he’s put next to yuki, and important in the sense that it allows a give and take of growth between the two of them; yuki learns to be more forthcoming in his emotions, kakeru learns how to be more considerate of other people’s feelings before trampling on them first.

so. komaki. she comes into the story in an interesting way, but leaves in a way that’s a little..... whatever imo. and that’s by and large because, in the end, she really only serves as a facilitator for kakeru’s personal character growth, and nothing more -- and, even then, that place she holds is eventually overtaken by yuki.

when komaki is first mentioned in the story, it’s a vague and nameless nod made by kakeru during his and yuki’s first major fight -- kakeru says he acted out because yuki, in calling kakeru out for trying to measure people’s happiness and sadness over one another, reminded him of komaki and the way he hurt her. it’s just enough for us to realize that he has his own problems he’s working out, and to give some intrigue into who this other person is. it’s really the first time in kakeru’s narrative that makes the reader feel like he has a bigger part in the story, and has his own complexities.

we don’t actually get to meet komaki, or hear anything more about her, until near the end of the story. it’s during the chapter that we meet her (and hear more about kakeru’s backstory and personal issues with tohru) that it really feels like her character, who was in the beginning at least a little intriguing, just falls flat. and it falls flat for a couple of reasons:

a) it’s undermined by the whole crazy reveal that her dad was the one who was in the accident with tohru’s mom. which, yeah, is tragic, but it’s something that’s revealed so late in the story, after we’ve gotten all of these other coincidental reveals (between kyo and tohru with kyoko, yuki and tohru with the hat, etc.) that it just ends up feeling a bit tired and forgettable.

b) it’s undermined because it’s written as kakeru’s personal tragedy, not komaki’s. even though it was her dad that died, the tragedy isn’t in her own grief, but rather in kakeru’s behavior issues and asshole attitude toward tohru.

komaki’s character, while charming and a little silly, doesn’t actually do very much in the scheme of kakeru’s character development or his arc. she gets understandably upset when he acts way out of line to tohru, but other than that... nothing really... happens? he decides to try turning himself around because he didn’t realize that his actions would hurt her, but he doesn’t actually see any consequences for what he did, other than feeling like a dick for making his girlfriend cry. on the whole, we see that she’s just... nice to him.

she smiles for him when she’s upset because she doesn’t want him to be upset. she puts her own emotions down, in the midst of her father’s death, because she doesn’t want her asshole boyfriend to be sad that she’s crying because he was being an asshole. and in between that happening, and the present time in the story... nothing else happens between them. she basically just forgives him, without us seeing any of her personal issues on the matter whatsoever.

put bluntly, her characterization feels like backtracking at this point in the story. and i say this especially because kakeru makes a direct comparison between komaki and tohru -- tohru, who over the past 112 chapters by this point, we have watched become more assured in her emotions and begin to put herself first rather than believe she and her emotions are a burden to other people. by this point in the story, we’ve watched tohru become more decisive in her battles, and rather than laying her emotions down for the benefit of other people, she learns how to be more forthcoming -- she meddles, she gets involved, she gets in the way. she learns that she doesn’t have to be sweet and immediately forgiving when facing a person who is being downright cruel.

and so i’m left to think, well, why isn’t komaki given this same kind of treatment? why is she a character who, in the lineup of female characters who learn to prioritize their emotions and stand up for themselves and their self esteem, is left behind?

and it’s because it’s just not about her. it’s about kakeru, and about his personal development in becoming a better person. komaki is just his goofy, cute girlfriend who, in the narrative of her dad being the literal other person who died in kyoko’s accident -- you know, the big traumatic thing that tohru has to grow through over the entire series in order to come to terms with -- is ultimately just a means for the story to be like, “this is why kakeru is kind of a dickhead.” she’s a motivation for him to do better, even though there’s no real threat presented to him. even then, much of kakeru’s personal character growth is shown through his interactions with yuki, anyway, for reasons more or less not involving komaki whatsoever, so komaki’s character just ends up being entirely shadowed by the time we actually meet her.

so, down to their actual relationship: it’s completely plausible to me that komaki stays with him throughout high school, despite him fucking up big time, and despite her getting a crush on him when he was the quiet mean kid in middle school (which, literally when does that ever end well). when you’re a kid and you go through a really traumatic thing like that, and have someone to lean on during that time, there’s a bond that forms. even though kakeru was a jerk, komaki absolutely leaned on him for emotional support. and then you stay together because it’s like, well shit, we’re bonded through this thing -- to break up would be pretty shitty. because you’re a kid, and it’s your first relationship, and you don’t have the experience to know better.

which is why the indication of them staying together in the long run, and having a kid together in another, just doesn’t sit well with me. like it literally just comes down to me believing that komaki could have done way better, and should have been given an iota of a chance to have her own sort of development lmao. literally even if she broke up with him that would have been enough of an indication of growth for me. but, her character just wasn’t prioritized enough to necessitate that, i guess.

#fruits basket #kakeru manabe #komaki nakao #kat you rlly opened the floodgates goddamn #fruits basket spoilers #answered #yunsoh meta #r3dmi1es

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teentitanimals · 4 years

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BBDamiRae Headcanons

I recently binge-watched all those Teen Titans movies with Damian Wayne and... I love them! Of course, nothing compares to the core five Teen Titans, but I really love Damian, and how the stories developed... and him and Raven are so cute together! But, of course, I also ship Beast Boy and Raven... so why not have them all together?? They’d make a surprisingly fun and complex OT3!! Here’s some headcanons/the story about how I’d view them getting together

Beast Boy @ Raven

Garfield always had a crush on Raven, but it was more of a “haha cute goth girl :)” kind of crush that was never too serious- not like with Terra. Not off the bat, anyway

He knew she had a lot of nightmares, so he’d always express concern for her and a want to comfort her. Sometimes this happened just by turning into a puppy and asking for pets, or by asking her if she wanted to talk about it

Just like in the Teen Titans show, he’s always wanted her to get out and socialize more instead of staying cooped up in her room. He didn’t evade her room without permission as much as in the show, but he definitely knocked on her door 200% more times. Raven was not a fan.

Raven, to his surprise, didn’t object to him turning into a cat or dog and napping on or beside her. She wouldn’t pet him or anything 90% of the time though, to his disappointment.

When he learned she was an empath, he would always bother her, asking her what person x was feeling at the time, and at some point, she got fed up, and told him “someone feels annoyed”, and he asked who, to which she replied “Me.”

Beast Boy @ Damian

When Damian joined, Garfield quickly realized he was just as much as a loner as Raven. He always went off on his own missions or stuck to training. Garfield, similar to with Raven, made it his goal to get him more involved in team activities.

Damian does not agree to unmadatory fun easily, least of all from Garfield. But Garfield learns to appease to his competitive side by challenging him to more “Dance Dance Revolution” battles, and whatever other competitive games he can find. This leads to the two often hanging out around to the arcade.

Gar won’t lie- it’s very fun to have someone challenging to play against. Just don’t tell Jaime.

During training one day, Garfield noticed Damian pulled punches slightly when he transformed into more cuter animals. He also noticed that Damian would try to pet nearly every dog, cat, horse, etc., they came across during “mandatory fun” trips.

Garfield, with this knowledge, would often shift into a dog, grab a Frisbee, and beg Damian to throw it- just once!- for him. The moment Damian finally did, he couldn’t stop. Damian, of course, will never admit that he enjoys this.

Getting Damian to allow him to sleep in his lap as a cat was much harder. But when he did, Damian seemed to forget it was no normal cat in his lap and pet and scratched him until Garfield couldn’t stop purring. When the alarm for crime went off, Damian seemed to remember himself and glared at a smug Garfield, not willing to admit his “weakness.”

Damian continued to pet cat Garfield the next time it happened anyway.

Beast Boy @ DamiRae

It wasn’t hard for anyone to see Damian and Raven’s obvious chemistry. And, Garfield, being the best wingman out there, was determined to help them get together. Yes, it’s not like it’s impossible for the two to get together on their own, but they’re both loners with terrible social skills so... Why not help speed things up?

At first it started with Garfield purposely getting the two alone during mandatory fun trips, which wasn’t hard, as they both seemed to naturally gravitate towards one another. Then, Garfield would invite the two out to hang with him at the arcade, the mall, even a restaurant... only to conveniently ditch them.

It definitely seemed to work in terms of getting them to be more friendly and comfortable with one another, but in terms of romance... It didn’t seem like much was happening.

He went to pestering Damian about his feelings for the half-demon girl, but Boy Wonder wasn’t up for “sharing feelings”. Gar did have more luck with getting Raven to admit feelings for Damian, but not anything solid like an “I want to date him/I’m in love with him/He’s hot.” It was incredibly infuriating trying to get the two anti-social loners together. Jaime always told Garfield to stay out of it and it would happen naturally, but Gar wasn’t the type to sit back and do nothing. He had meddled in their social lives so far, and he was gonna continue doing it!

He eventually pulled the “Have fun on your date!” card when he ditched them one time. It got them to blush and stutter, but not much else because of COURSE someone had to rob a bank conveniently at that time.

DamiRae @ Beast Boy

Damian and Raven had both caught onto Garfield’s match-making attempts, especially after the time Garfield explicitly called it a date. They were both a little annoyed at the boy trying to meddle with their social lives all the time, so they thought, why not get back at him?

At first it started out with purposely trying to ruin his plans by ditching each other, or refusing to let him leave. (E.i., Gar said he had to go do something real quick, and they’d both insist they tagged along, which lead to him having to make something dumb up real quick.)

They had a lot of fun watching Garfield squirm when he came up with dumb, obviously fake excuses, and it quickly became an inside joke between the two, one they especially liked to mention write in front of his face just for the sole purpose of him not getting the joke.

They made extra sure any games they played at the arcade allowed at least three players so Garfield couldn’t conveniently ditch them... Except for any dancing games, in which Raven would sit back and watch her boys compete.

Then, when Garfield started to stop trying to ditch them and just made more suggestive comments, they would always turn it back on him. (E.i., “Isn’t Damian looking rather hot today, Rae?” “Why, are you interested?” “What?! No, no, I- I meant- you-... forget it.”)

Both quickly realized flirting with Garfield was incredibly fun- bright red on green was an interesting combination.

Both also realized at some point they were also accidentally flirting with each other too, which caused them to end up as blushing messes too. Although, I should mention, Damian becoming a “blushing mess” is more him looking away bashfully, with a tint of red. Getting him to truly blush is very very hard.... but not impossible.

The Teen Titans @ BBDamiRae

All together, the three became pretty hard to separate, and were often out of the tower of their “dates”. Just like with Garfield realizing Damian and Raven had a lot of chemistry, the other Titans realized the same thing for all three of them.

I mean, come on, they even flirted during combat!

Jaime went from telling Gar “have fun getting Damian and Raven on a date” to “have fun on your date”, and Garfield didn’t even notice the first few times. When he did though, Christmas tree Garfield was back, decorated in red and green. He firmly denied that it was a date- or, no, wait, it was a date, but he wasn’t apart of it! Except he totally was.

Dick never passed up an opportunity to tease Damian about his crush on Raven and Garfield. Damian, of course, insisted he didn’t have a crush on Garfield, but the smirk on his lips when Gar entered the room said otherwise.... and Dick still held the fact that he didn’t deny having a crush on Raven over his head too.

Similarly, Starfire once casually asked Raven if she had one of her dates with Garfield and Damian scheduled later because she needed her help for something. Donna (who I believe is the girl at the end of Judas Contract) too, once casually, but a bit confused, asked her who she was going to choose between Gar and Damian, or is she could choose both. Both times, Raven, of course, denied, before gently admitting that she didn’t know who to pick.

DamiRae @ BBDamiRae

After Garfield directly pulling Damian aside and begging him to ask Raven out with all the valid reasons why he should (and that if he didn’t, he was going to force Raven to ask Damian on a date instead), Damian finally did so, and the two went on an official date together. A bit awkward, but the two, of course, had a lot of fun. Admitted their love and admiration for one another, held hands for a solid minute, all that good stuff. They eventually decided to become official, but not public, so only the other Titans would know about their relationship.

Garfield, who for once in his life was not on one of their dates nor spying on them, was absolutely stoked they were together! Finally! After all this waiting, all this chaos, all the flirting, they were together! ...But he would admit he was kinda... sad. No longer would he be on any of their dates again, no longer would they flirt with him... and was cat napping on their laps gonna be off the table too? No more of Damian’s soothing scratches or Raven’s calm warmth? He supposed all good things had to come to an end eventually.

Meanwhile, by DamiRae’s third official date, they noticed that everything seemed a lot less... energetic. No green boy to tease and make squirm, no green boy to make them laugh and smile with his dumb jokes, no green boy to drag them along on dumb adventures, no green boy to beat at Dance Dance Revolution-style games.

So, of course, the two of them asked him to go on their fourth date with him. Needless to say, Garfield was surprised, and confused, because, they wanted him to just third wheel their date? And then they explained that, no, they wanted him. They wanted him to with them every step of the way, and to be there for him every step of the way. They wanted to flirt with him, and tease him, and love him too, just as they loved each other.

Garfield about cried at that. Because after everything that happened with Terra... He wasn’t sure about loving again, and now he had two people confessing that they loved him too, and... He loved them too, as much as he tried to push it away for the sake of getting those two together.

Neither of the two really did hugs, but Garfield hugged the shit outta them. And then they proceeded to have the best date ever.

The three of them became official, but again, not public, especially since it’s not like a romantic relationship of three people is exactly common, nor unjudged. And.. they still had a lot to figure out too, like how exactly they were gonna work. But they would do it, one step at a time, together.

BBDamiRae

Garfield is very physically affectionate, while Damian and Raven, due to how they were raised, are very much not. Damian does enjoy small physical affection, just never catch him off guard, or you may catch ‘these hands’ instead. He finds hand holding to be his favorite, except for the part where it limits the amount of hands he can hold a sword with. Raven likes to have time to meditate and collect herself before she gets physically affectionate. She will admit she does love casual cuddles best. Garfield just loves everything.

Garfield is very much a middle spoon, but he doesn’t mind being a big spoon for the two when they really need someone to comfort them.

Damian likes feeling protective, so, of course, he’s big spoon 90% of the time. This protective does border on over-protectiveness sometimes... While they all enjoy their company, they all do need alone time, but both Damian and Garfield have a bad habit of spying and stalking other people.

Garfield definitely had to learn to share Damian with Ace (or Titus- whatever Damian’s dog’s name is) in terms of Frisbee and walks.

Gar loves being a bird perched on either of their shoulders, specifically being a raven on Raven’s shoulder and a robin on Robin’s shoulder. He thinks its hilarious and can never get old. Everyone else? Not so much.

The arcade is their favorite spot.

Teasing each other is definitely their favorite thing to do.

Just be careful because sometimes you can’t tease Damian on a bad day... then again you shouldn’t tease any of them on a bad day.

A joke they have is that Damian loves animals more than them... but then Garfield realized he is all animals, so by that logic, he loves him more than Raven. Then came the argument that Raven was named after a raven and had that dark soul raven thing too, so Damian loved them both equally... but of course, Damian loves his swords most.

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myfandomrambles · 4 years

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Dhawan!Master Character Analysis

A look at Confused motivations, externalized anger, performance, self-destruction, boredom, and trauma

Confused Motivations:

Something I find interesting is that The Master’s motivations are not understood by himself. He professes it’s because he is angry that The Doctor is a key part of who he is and the “specialness” being The Timeless child gives her, but this is no way the whole story.

A more complete read of the motivations:

A biological concrete aspect has been added to the vacillations of feeling less than and better than The Doctor causing anger.

A compulsive need to control The Doctor and make them the same by putting them on the same “level”

Anger at being even more of a tool and creation of the Time Lords and loss of autonomy & control thereof.

Anger that they hurt The Doctor

Boredom, apathy, impulse control deficits and general control issues informed by trauma.

I doubt he is aware of all of these layers, and I believe The Doctor in the story and us as spectators will choose the one they believe is the “real” reason, but it was never just one. The Master flattens these motivations and explains it to The Doctor as almost all disdain for her, and blind rage, both actively in his emotions, and subconsciously to himself.

We know The Master has been used by the Time Lords their whole life (longer if the child in the flashbacks is Baby!Master) and has their autonomy stripped to be used as a tool of the aristocracy. He is dealing with having the Time Lords who have taken his autonomy directly on a physical level via The Doctor’s DNA. Just like the drums and resurrection during The Time War, we have direct physical meddling by the high council.

The Master has always felt that The Doctor and he are the same, that she is better than him, and that he is better than her in turn. This vacillating perception of her and their dynamic with each other is something we can see tracing through their relationship. This comes into play where they are used as foils and mirrors to each other. The Doctor Pointing this function of being the same while opposed to each other:

Twelve: “He's the only person that I've ever met who's even remotely like me.”

Bill: “So more than anything you want her to be good?

An interesting way we can see this change how they refer to each other sometimes using the present tense and past tense of the word friend.

Ten: “A friend, At first” [Ten spends most of the time focused on them being ‘the last’ over a real relationship, but offer a hand]

Thirteen: “The Master was one of my oldest friends. We went very different ways.” [Thirteen is intensely emotional about the master, more so then we have seen her at almost any other point, but shows mostly anger and exhaustion]

Twelve: “Of course she's not dead. She's a friend of mine. I may have fiddled with your wiring a little bit.” [Both Missy and Twelve focus heavily on their friendship and fall heavily on their intimate history]

The Master also changes the description of their relationship

Missy:“friendship older than your civilization, and infinitely more complex.”

Dhawan!Master: “I'm her best enemy.”

We see how the Fifth Doctor has an almost apathy to The Master, Seven takes the time to give him a proper burial, Ten and Twelve both seek out their respective Masters dreading the loss. The Master also does this being open about wanting attention, playing lower stakes dreams, being truly murderous, and abjectly cruel. The Master's self-perception shits as well; playing god on Gallifrey, making a personal army, putting her on a pedestal, dragging her down, and a suicidal streak. I think this helps illustrate the behaviour throughout the whole season.

The Doctor and The Master compulsively try and get the other’s attention. The obsession is something pointed out by multiple other characters namely; The Brig, Jo Grant, and The Rani. We can see this in him taking the time to play at being O and in how even when he yells about wanting her dead he also always knows she will live why else would he leave a note for her that would show when she got to Gallifrey. The Master will get none of the sought after catharsis and compulsion to involve The Doctor if she actually died. In their Eiffel Tower confrontation;

Doctor: “When does all this stop for you? The games, the betrayals, the killing?”

Master: “Why would it stop? I mean, how else would I get your attention”

His involvement this whole season is only about The Doctor, even the side operations of working with the baddie on earth, committing genocide and paling with the CyberMen are all about The Doctor and his need to exert control over both of their lives.

The Master is angry that The Doctor was hurt. The Master has always had a kind of “Only I can hurt The Doctor” mentality. And considering he knows how it feels to be used and manipulated, I don’t think he wants The Doctor to suffer in that manner by the Time Lords. I don’t think it’s contradictory to want to hurt everyone else and also be angry The Doctor was hurt. Because of the obsessive thoughts around The Doctor, it would alter the thought patterns, The Master is not working based on logic.

A real empathetic connection to The Doctor is present in the way someone who is in a toxic relationship will have. This goes both ways we can see this in the way they have all of these periods of differing extreme emotions, especially if you look at Simm->Missy->Dhawan. There is love there when they had a healthier relationship back when they were friends/crushes, but over time it’s been compromised through each hurting each other (whatever you pick/know of canon this still holds true) becoming toxic for most incarnations. I also don’t think this hot empathy for The Doctor would contradict not even having a cold empathy for the innocents slaughtered on Gallifrey (The at least 2.4 7 billion kids did nothing wrong)

In general, I believe after going fishing in the matrix either on a whim or not the act of burning Gallifrey was likely an impulsive act. But after this, I think planning came into it, along with building the blocks for performance. He can formulate an elaborate game to play with The Doctor, The Matrix, live on earth, and The Cybermen to stave off boredom and attempt to integrate trauma and it will fulfil his rumination on The Doctor and the high council. I’ll talk more about trauma and boredom later.

Externalized & Cyclical Anger:

When you are angry there are generally two ways people display these emotions: they put their pain into their own body and mind or put it on everyone else. Anger is healthy and The Master has every right to be angry at the high Gallifreyans who have treated him and his best friend like garbage from the very start.

Dhawan!Master is a perfect example of someone taking their own pain and putting on everyone else. He is angry at so many things, some justified, some not but is dealing with this through externalization. He displays self-destructive anger but goes about the self-harm/suicidality by causing as much damage outwards as possible. A common Master trait, but very prevalent here, taking his own hurt and making others feel it, a stated goal more than once.

He took this anger at a set number of people onto the entirety of the Gallifreyan people and stepped up the “flirting” and games he plays with The Doctor to one of the most painful versions they have. We can see The Master and The Doctor’s relationships take many different forms of the years but it has always been grounded in the need for the other's attention and anger from The Master at being left. With these added sources of anger they toss at each other it makes sense that we get different versions of tipping point moments when one of them “wins”.

Another key here is that The Master shows a long history of serious anger rage that comes out in extreme ways. He suffers outbursts regularly and it’s something that worsens over time but even The Masters who were more in control we still see how anger is an undercurrent. And while The Doctor has a similar undercurrent The Master has this pattern of explosive outbursts that have slowly become more character-defining.

Part of the cyclical anger is also the fear under there. The Master is afraid of so much, of not being enough, of being left behind, of not being who they thought they were, of dying (historically he has gone to crazy length to live), of continuing to live how he is, of being the worst of him, of being controlled and of the Time Lords. The Master runs from the Time Lords, using them yes, but never staying there.

The Timeless Child revelation might have acted as a trigger for larger displays of anger, however, I think it’s key to The Master that this anger was there way before now. And it has caused mass suffering before now, this sympathetic grief and anger The Master shows in Timeless Children is compelling but it’s best understood a part of a cycle of outbursts of those emotions severely worsened by this latest re-traumatization.

Performance:

The Master, like The Doctor, is a huge fan of performance art. This is something that has always been there with costumes, voice changes, dancing, and using this for both just plain fun and as a real tool. On a strictly meta-level, Sacha Dhawan was living for every moment and being able to meet and even surpass Whittaker for screen presence. It was his story almost anytime he was on screen.

Narratively putting on a show was key, as O he is literally playing a part for The Doctor, and even keeping in contact as this persona. When in the past he is theatrical in his introduction in the science expo, in his character reveal in Ascension of the Cybermen his dialogue starts is:

Master: “Wow! Oh! Ah! That's a good entrance, right? Be afraid, Doctor. Because everything is about to change... forever.”

He literally asks if they liked his entrance, they liked how he presented himself. Then follows this up with this big pronouncement. Begging for the people on screen and us to pay attention to him. Which is generally one of the only moments in this episode that people really remember from the latter 1/2 of the episode.

The entirety of the interactions with The Doctor on Gallifrey has a semi-planned performative aspect like he has a bit of script in his head and is using the environment as a stage, monologuing for the vast majority of the time. He critiques the performance as much as the substance of the Lone Cyberman’s plan. The body language and mannerisms are also very large and have a dancing aspect to it, or come across as severe and are trying to get a rise out of The Doctor or Cyberium.

Another aspect to the performance is how he has these set pieces, of bringing her in, then trapping her, playing with the Death Particle and more than anything is the CyberMasters. He introduces them with a big speech, does the march with them and uses them to make a point more than to actually build an army. It’s also important to think he had to make the costumes and had this macabre point of putting the Time Lords into the Cyber Armour.

The performance is more than anything just begging for attention. The Master loves to blow stuff up, watch the smoke of buildings, and fight with The Doctor, but it’s clear that they tried really hard to impact The Doctor more than anyone else. It’s clawing to be enough for The Doctor, prove himself, to win. Another way this performance is as a mask covering the fact The Master is falling apart. It's the duality of The Master always loved putting on the show but there is desperation undergirding it. We can see how The Master can start to jump in his speech mannerisms become more desperate and this facade of control drips to the anger and fear consuming him.

By putting on a show, he is in control. He fears to be out of control, and the loss of identity both the Time War and the Timeless Children gave him. Controlling how he acts, how others view him and setting out a roadmap. Control through hurting others, hurting himself, through acting and of course just basic controlling others.

Self-Destruction:

The Master is highly self-destructive here, something that is connected to a form of “anger in” and the aspects of control we talked about before. When the death particle fails to go off the first time he seems somewhat disappointed it didn’t just end right then:

Dhawan!Master: “Worried, were you? I thought if he was compressed, the Death Particle would activate and all this would be over. I would've been okay with that. I thought it was a nice little gamble. But no, here we are, all still alive.”

He is gambling with his life, I believe this to him would be a second-best ending to finishing the whole game and be face-to-face with The Doctor. More than anything though, it seems he wants to be able to end everything with The Doctor there as well. In this case that is the ultimate control he is seeking, to end the fear, grief, bitterness and pain. Suicidal thoughts don’t quite care if you complete your plan.

The ultimate version of this plan puts The Doctor in the position of if she wants to save the world she must also join The Master in an act of extreme destruction. The interesting thing is it fails to put The Doctor on his level because instead of an act of anger, control and wanting harm this one is to prevent more death. If she had been able to do it it would have succeeded in making her die as a hero which is the opposite of the stated goal. The Doctor has taken cruel and pointlessly destructive steps before but this wouldn’t have been one of them. The Doctor has also been suicidal before this point, those moments would have been a lot closer to them being the same then this actions as well.

Outside of the moral quandary, this is actually not that different from a murder-suicide in real life on a psychological level. Murder-suicide is also incidentally a highly male crime, which adds to an interesting pattern of invoking male violence. The Master wants to end his life but if this was the only goal he could have done it a million and one ways and send a note to The Doctor if he just wished her to know. But, like in real life part of it is wanting to control the other person too, he wants to control The Doctor and himself. The Master here has had his self-belief shattered, is depressed himself and feels The Doctor has become something less manageable with all this new information along with Thirteen being one of the least interested in The Master's games. This is interesting as I said before Dhawan!Master is the king of externalizing violence so even when his self-loathing drives him to suicidal urges the need to have The Doctor die with him and end anything that could possibly live on Gallifrey takes precedent.

I think this is key because, for all the talk for pointing out that he is really suicidal, the murder-suicide aspect is really key to any honest reading of the situation. Because if the death particle plan had worked he would have just committed murder-suicide, even with The Doctor pulling the triggering. This act would have come after a psychological battering via The Matrix (which even if he has a real want for her to know it was done cruelly), threats to her friends, threats of mass violence, giving her the weapon it’s hard to say he wasn’t culpable in the death particle’s usage. Even the first plan would have killed her too.

He is insistent that he broke her, she has nothing left, her world view is broken he finally brought her down. He needs The Doctor to be in the same headspace as he abjectly lost and searching for something worth living for. To feel understood and to be in control. Personally, I don’t think she has just accepted that none of this hurts and she is great because he gave her “gift of myself” and proved she “contain multitudes”, it feels more like her not wanting to give in to his control, to convince herself, but in the end, it doesn’t matter because he doesn’t win this time, and worse he dies without her. And interestingly she ends up taking the cowards route by making someone else fight her battle, this had nothing to do with ending the Cyber War it was ending a toxic relationship, a demolished culture and a Time War.

Boredom:

Something I think I've not seen talked about a lot is that if The Master is displaying a show of chronic boredom this is something associated with a lot of people who are violent towards others and themselves. I think we can see this in his agitation, body language, speech patterns and just the sheer amount of what he accomplished during The Timeless Children. This is less visible in him being O as we don’t really know how much he was messing around or doing while in character, but the moment he stops the endless need to do something, anything shows up.

If you think about it not everything he did is strictly necessary for the goals of destroying Gallifrey and then commit murder-suicide with The Doctor. But along with the need for a show, there is always something to do. And when each aspect of the plan finishes there is some joking and revealing but it also feels like “whoop that's done I'm bored again”.

He’s compulsively doing something, anything, but as he mentions this isn't actually fully fixing anything. It’s something that really lends itself to both the outward and inward destruction. When nothing will ever calm the anger, nothing will help you regulate, no amount of stimulus can keep your attention, it leads to reckless and damaging behaviour.

However, the game with The Doctor has to end, because this is the long game and now that we’re here she has to finish it too. The Doctor also has chronic boredom and he knows this, and that The Doctor has as little self-preservation as him. It tracks that when he makes the finale move he would assume The Doctor would be willing to act out too.

Trauma:

I think it’s very clear this Master is dealing with trauma and we see a lot of signs, many of which I talked about but here is a list:

Agitation

Anger & rage

Chronic Boredom

Compromised empathy

Compulsive behaviour

Depression

Destructive behaviours & suicidal actions

Dysregulated emotions

Enmeshment with The Doctor

Identity issues

Lashing out

Locus of control issues (Blaming everyone else while also needing to own it)

A need for control

Oscillating self-estimation

Preoccupation with those who traumatized them (with the timelords & The Doctor)

Reenacting trauma

Ruminating thoughts

Sensory integration issues (stimming, could be linked to other conditions)

Trying to put on a show, (A trait associated with trauma linked PDS)

Thoughts of violence

Dysregulation of Emotions and Nervous System: The erratic emotions displayed by The Master overlaid with behaviours that some have identified as looking like stimming point to dysregulation. His feelings and affect jump around and are always at high levels. A point of interest, however, is that From Spyfall to Timeless Children the issue seems to worsen as the ability to put up a facade is gone. Now we know that it wasn’t really that long of a period where he was actively keeping it as we only saw him as O for a short time. But it tracks that after being exiled on earth and then into the Kassavian dimension his dysregulation would worsen.

Preoccupation With Those who Traumatized Him: It’s so heavy in this story and even throughout the whole story The Master is locked on those who have hurt him, and the trauma thereof. The Master is used as a tool here the same way people manipulate The Doctor via their god and guilt complexes. The entire story is the Master having gone back to Gallifrey to try and enter the Matrix and then spend the whole time destroying Gallifrey and even then he can’t leave. New Who Masters specifically have their whole stories centred around the trauma Gallifrey did to them and their connection with The Doctor was changed by that event. And Dhawan!Master takes no action in this series that doesn’t involve this, even the plan with Kassavian is centred on getting the Doctor’s attention and setting up sending her to Galifrey.

Replaying Trauma: This is a commonality between the master and The Doctor. They have been reliving the Time War, the same patterns of loss of their friends, being unable to turn off the training to be a soldier. The Doctor is often taking the same actions she did before, sometimes outside of her control, all of which were made during a trauma state or resulted in traumatic experiences.

The Master replays the behaviours he learned during trauma as The Doctor does, but is a lot more likely to not only replay acts that they did that traumatized others, which The Doctor does too but also can replay what those who traumatized them did.

The speeches we get from the master in Timeless Children is slightly off version of Rassilon's speech at The End of Time pt 1.

Master: “Yes, it could! Behold your new CyberMasters, Doctor. All born from you, but led by me. How does that feel? Huh? Now, no time to lose. Don't move. Oh, that's right, you can't. Can you feel a new era dawning, Doctor? For Gallifrey.”

Cybermen: “For Gallifrey!”

Master: “For the Time Lords.”

Cybermen: “For the Time Lords!”

Master: “For the end of the universe itself!”

Cybermen: “For the end of the universe itself!”

Master: “Sweet dreams. This way, soldiers.”

Time Lords: “For Gallifrey!”

Rassilon: “For victory!”

Time Lords: “For victory!”

Rassilon: “For the end of time itself!”

Time Lords: “For the end of time itself!”

The Master who destroyed Galifrey in the name of something Tecteun, and by extension the other founding fathers of Galifrey, is playing the same game Rassilon did and views himself as a god of Time Lords the same way Rasilon did. We also know The Master isn’t directly quoting them because he was not present when Rasilon made that speech, so this dialogue shows how he is in patterns of trauma. It also is important character and theme-wise because it plays on the ideas of autonomy and how the Master has essentially made himself the destruction and death god to Gaalifry in the way The Doctor was essential in its creation. While he is goading The Doctor to be both creator and destroyer. The Master and The Doctor are in fact these forces, even though I believe the Timeless Child is a victim of abuse and exploitation, but, it’s entirely true that The Doctor and The Master are playing at being gods. Something they have done on other planets before.

This is also part of replaying trauma in the fact he has taken bodily autonomy and specifically regeneration from Time Lords to use as his own weapons. The CyberMasters are exactly what the worst version of Timeless Children are, complete manipulated weapons with no free will.

Conclusion:

The story of Dhawan!Master is one that turned hard into both the idea of The Master being in pain themselves but also showing some of the worst cruelty the master has ever done in both their extreme assault of The Doctor and genocide.

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seeaddywrite · 5 years

Text

this was ... not what i wanted to post next at all, but this is what i wrote, so what the hell? this is set in the Aftermath ‘verse, about six months after the Michael & Isobel fic, but can absolutely be read as a stand-alone. i have a few more fics planned in this universe, so we’ll see how it goes.

i was too impatient to get anyone else to look at this, so read at your own peril; typos likely abound.

warnings for discussion of canonical character death & grief. title from P!nk & Wrabel’s song 90 Days, which you should absolutely listen to for some angsty Malex feels.

let me down slowly (i’ll be okay)

When Alex’s phone goes off in the middle of sorting through data from yet another of his father’s top-secret bases, he almost ignores it. He’s been searching through the Project Shepherd files for any information on alien powers — anything that might give Michael or Isobel an advantage on learning how to harness the energy that Max did to resurrect Rosa so they could save him, too. Locating that information is far more pressing than anything anyone can be texting him, as far as Alex is concerned. This is the one contribution he can make to the cause, the only way he can help, and Alex is determined to do it to the best of his ability and as quickly as he can. It’s a way to make up for the pain his father caused these people, a way to atone — and, as selfish as it is, a way to show Michael that he’s not making a mistake by trusting Alex again.

Six months of working together to bring Max Evans back from the dead has done wonders for Alex and Michael’s relationship. They’re friends, now, the kind that support each other and listen while the other talks, and have been slowly moving toward something more — but aside from one desperate kiss when Alex was too drunk to restrain himself about a month ago, they haven’t really stepped over the line. Alex knows that there’s too much going on right now to push it; they’ve got Rosa to keep hidden and Max to save, and after that, Jesse Manes and the rest of his bases to take down. He shouldn’t be worrying about romance or sex, not when he’s lucky enough to have Michael back in his life at all — but Alex can’t help but want. He’s proud of himself for supporting Michael through all of this, even before he and Maria called it quits, and he’s glad to know that he’s been a comfort, but he can’t help but feel that if he was only allowed to hold Michael, to tear all of his defenses down and really be there, he could do more.

Alex shakes himself, determined not to get lost in the minefield that is his and Michael’s relationship. He turns his attention back to the monitors in front of him, tracking information and entering his own effortlessly. Codebreaking in the military while under fire was difficult; sitting in a secure bunker with no one after his life is almost boring, especially when one considers the pathetic cyber defenses his father uses. He forgets about the text for another half an hour as he delves into files on test subjects and gets lost in the horrors contained there.

Eventually, Alex runs into another firewall. His father’s defenses aren’t complex, but they are numerous, and it takes some time for the codes he’s running to find away through. While they work, he checks his phone, frowning at the brief message from Liz that lights up his screen.

I think Michael could use some company at the cave tonight.

There’s nothing else, no explanation or greeting, but that’s not unlike Liz, these days. Her thoughts are constantly preoccupied with keeping Rosa hidden or bringing Max back; there isn’t much time for friends or small-talk. He’s done his best to shove into her life when she needs a reality check, and he knows that Maria has, too, though he hasn’t quite been able to bring himself to join the two of them. Things between himself and Maria have been strained, at best, despite the fact that she and Guerin broke up less than a month after Max’s death. According to Michael, the truth had proven to be too much for Maria — she doesn’t want to be included in the dangerous stuff, though she’s been excellent support for Liz and Rosa through all of the madness.

His phone dings again, and this time, it’s GPS coordinates. Alex assumes they’re for the cave — he hasn’t actually been there, for all that he is doing his best to help Max. It doesn’t feel like it’s his place to go. After all, he only knows Max through their interactions in high school, and a few polite encounters since Alex’s return to Roswell. It feels wrong, somehow, to intrude in a place so full of grief and hope for a man he barely knows, so he hasn’t asked to be included. He’s on the periphery of the group, despite his contributions; Isobel still watches him warily, her green gaze discontent whenever she sees him with Michael, and even Kyle gets a warmer welcome from Michael’s sister than he does. Guerin treats him the same as he always has, with more carefully defined physical boundaries, and tells him not to worry, that Isobel is just trying to look out for Michael — but it still stings.

But none of that matters if Liz is right, and Michael actually needs him. Alex has been determinedly fighting for another chance for six months — because he meant what he said, the day before his hopes got crushed by an entire morning spent waiting for a visit that never came. He’s done fighting his father’s battles. He’s going to fight for himself, for what he wants, and damn the consequences. The first time he walked away from Michael, he was a scared kid, but now, Alex is a fucking warrior. He’s hacked into terrorist weapons’ caches while his base in the Middle East was under fire, and he lost a leg keeping the communications array up between his squad while running for his life— if he can face those things and win, he can damn well face some time waiting for Michael to disentangle his love for Alex from the pain the Manes family had caused him. It’s only fair, after all; Geurin had given Alex the time he needed to pull himself together, after Baghdad.

Meanwhile, Alex has adopted a holding pattern, a ‘wait and see’ ideology that he knows he can’t maintain indefinitely. It’s too hard, and it hurts too much, to see Michael stumbling through crisis after crisis and be kept on the outskirts of his life. Sometimes, on the bad days, he wonders if this is revenge for his own actions after enlisting — if this is Michael giving him a taste of his own medicine, rather than trying to piece together the shattered remains of his secrets to form a normal life. Usually, when that thought strikes him, however, Alex can identify it as his own anxieties talking. Guerin had been honest, when they talked after the end of his whatever with Maria. He can’t commit to anything except for helping Isobel bring Max back. Anything else would distract from that goal, and he’s not willing to be selfish with Max’s life on the line — and, he admits later, when neither of them expect the words, that he’s scared. It’s so unlike Guerin to admit such a thing that Alex can only stare, but it makes sense. Alex’s father, his family, has caused so much pain, and all of it, one way or another, had ended up falling on Michael’s head. Alex was scared, too, when he considered it.

So instead of pushing the way he wants to, Alex accepts the boundaries Michael lays out. Meanwhile, he reconnects with Rosa, a friend he’d believed he’d never see again, and supports Liz as best he can while she grapples with the guilt she feels whenever she’s happy to have her sister back, since it cost all of them Max to get it. He goes to PT and continues to work on his endurance with the prosthetic, and even adds some decor to the spartan interior of his cabin. He hangs out with Kyle, who’s turned out to be a damned good friend, despite their history, and he researches. His enlistment period is over in a few weeks, and he’ll lose access to some of his resources then, but Alex knows that he’ll never stop working to keep the aliens — to keep Michael — safe. Because no matter where they end up, Guerin is Alex’s family, and no circumstances can change that.

Alex, seriously. I don’t want to have to send Isobel out there. She’s finally getting some sleep, and Michael will just end up trying to make her feel better, instead of the other way around.

The second text brings Alex out of his reverie, and he responds quickly with, On my way.

Just as Liz offers no explanations, he asks no questions — talking about Michael behind his back isn’t exactly friendly behavior, and he knows Liz is probably either knee-deep in her own research or being forced into bed by a worried, over-protective big sister. And if Michael’s actually acting strangely enough for it to sink through the distracted fog Liz has been in for the last six months, there’s definitely good reason to go make sure that he’s all right. If this was before Max’s death, he might guess that she’s trying to meddle in his love life, but Alex knows better than to think Liz capable of thinking like that, now. He wishes she could; then, at least, he’d know she’d be okay.

But no one is really okay right now, are they?

*******

Less than an hour later finds Alex sighing down at a map on his phone. The cave is two miles back from any roadway, and there’s no alternate route that won’t require hiking two miles after a full twelve hours on his bad leg already. It figures that Liz wouldn’t think to warn him about the walking — even when she wasn’t constantly distracted by trying to hold herself together, Alex had been damned good at making it seem like he could do anything he could have done before he lost the leg. Alex hates to admit that he can’t do something, or to ask for help, and he makes sure that he is perfectly self-sufficient around his friends at all times. He doesn’t want them to worry about him, or God forbid, pity him.

So, in true bull-headed fashion, Alex parks as close as he can get to the cave, makes note of the car’s coordinates so he can find it again later, and starts out through the desert with his backpack slung over one shoulder. He spares a minute to wish he’d left his crutch in the car for emergencies, but doesn’t waste time on it. Almost two years out from his amputation, Alex knows he’s capable of making the journey, and that’s all that matters. Afterward will likely be a different story, but he’ll deal with that when forced. For now, his mind is focused on Michael, and why Liz would think he needed Alex tonight.

The walk takes him a little more than an hour, and the sun is starting to sink in the sky, bathing the desert and entrance to Noah’s hidden cave in golden light. Just outside the opening, Alex pauses, the sound of someone strumming a guitar catching him by surprise. He knows that one of Max’s last acts was to heal Michael’s hand; he has complicated feelings on the subject, and suspects Michael does too, though it’s impossible to deny that good has come out of it. Guerin needs the guitar, needs to play music, in a way that Alex wants to understand, but can’t. He loves music, and always has, but the moment Guerin’s hands touch guitar strings, the tension bleeds from him instantly, and Alex was never that lucky when he played in high school.

He lingers there for a few moments, letting the complicated melody carry him back in time, to a cramped tool shed and the beautiful, guarded boy that Alex wanted to kiss more than he’d ever wanted anything else. They’d both been so different, then. While young Michael had been far from open, those prickly, defensive barriers hadn’t grown so tall Alex couldn’t climb them, and the omnipresent warmth in his eyes when he looked at Alex hadn’t yet become clouded with hurt and grief. It had been so easy between them, then. Just two boys, figuring out how to love for the first time and finding refuge in one another.

Until his father had ruined it, ruined everything.

But Alex isn’t there to stand around cursing Jesse Manes; he can — and does — do enough of that on his own time. So, subconsciously straightening the front of his leather jacket, he walks into the small space of the cave. Michael’s sitting cross-legged on the ground with his back to Alex, the guitar still in his lap, fingers strumming idly more than picking out a specific melody, and even from this angle, Alex knows his eyes are closed as he searches for the peace the guitar usually brings him.

It doesn’t seem to be working today, though. Guerin’s shoulders are tense beneath his thick flannel shirt, and Alex hates himself a little for appreciating the way his muscles flex every time his grip on the guitar shifts to change chords. He clears his throat after a long moment, surprised that Michael hasn’t noticed him already. He’s gotten a lot more in tune with his mental powers, lately, since he and Isobel began working to strengthen their abilities, and sneaking up on Michael had become as difficult as fooling Isobel.

Michael doesn’t turn. “Liz called you,” he guesses, and Alex has to strain to hear the words over the echoing thrum of the guitar. “I told her I was fine.”

Alex is far from convinced by that statement. He takes a couple of slow steps toward Michael, grateful that the cave is small and mostly flat, because his leg is already starting to get stiff and achy from the hike through the desert — and also because he’s not sure of his welcome. Guerin doesn’t seem particularly pleased to see him, and it’s awkward to be in this cave, where Max seems to be resting peacefully in the glowing orb in front of them while they all work frantically to get him back.

“Well, I just walked two miles through the desert, so can I stay anyway?” Alex asks, aiming for levity. “I could use some rest before I take the return trip.” Sitting on the cave floor isn’t exactly his favorite idea; getting down there isn’t going to be graceful, and getting up will be worse, but it’s not like there are any chairs out here. There’s a tiny cot shoved against the far wall, covered in floral blankets that suggests its mostly Isobel’s resting place, and Alex doesn’t want to be that far away from Michael, even if he’s willing to sit on it.

When Michael doesn’t answer him, Alex sighs inwardly and levers himself awkwardly to the ground, his bad leg extended so that if he falls, it’ll be on his ass rather than the residual limb. His shoulder bumps Michael’s as he sits, and Alex winces at the unintended contact, even as it finally gets the other man to look at him. “Sorry,” he mumbles, the urge to apologize for his ungainliness one that’s hard to suppress, even after all this time. He lifts his gaze to meet Michael’s though, because he refuses to be that embarrassed, and nearly gasps.

Guerin is a mess. His eyes are red-rimmed and surrounded by blue bruise-like shadows and bone-white skin, making him appear more like a corpse than Max, who floats peacefully in the pod in front of them, his features obscured by the glowing surface. And the lauded quiet that comes from holding a guitar is conspicuously absent in his eyes — instead, the brown orbs hold only desperation and loneliness, and an isolation the Alex never, ever wants to see again.

“Michael, what —?” Alex doesn’t know how to ask what’s happened. Michael’s been working as hard, if not harder, than the rest of them to bring back his brother, but he hasn’t looked this bad since the first week or so directly following Rosa’s resurrection. He’s been doing better, lately — at least, Alex thinks so. Maybe he’s missed something?

The idle strumming stops, then, and Michael’s gaze shifts to the pod in front of them again, his fingers clutching the neck of the guitar so tightly that his knuckles turn white. “Mrs. Evans called me, today,” he says tightly, and Alex is struck with the feeling that Michael doesn’t want to answer, even as the words spill into the silence between them. “It’s been six months, and Max isn’t the unreliable type, right? He always calls her back, because he’s a fucking Boy Scout, and she hasn’t heard from him in half a year. And Isobel’s been dodging her calls, because she keeps hoping we’ll figure this out so she never has to tell the truth.” He swallows, and Alex watches as his throat works in the pale light from the pod. “But six months? What was I supposed to say? That he’s fine? That he — developed some kind of drug problem and went to rehab, or chased a girl around the globe and abandoned his family? No one who knows him is going to fucking believe that! Especially not the people who raised him!”

The air in the cave becomes tense with barely leashed power, and Alex finds himself holding his breath. He’s not afraid — Michael has never hurt him physically, not once, no matter what was happening around or between them, and he doubts he’ll start now. But it’s impossible not to share the other man’s tension when they’re this close, and Alex wishes he knew how to help.

“I didn’t know what to tell her,” Michael continues, his voice raw as he visibly grapples with the tears threatening to spill from his eyes. “I couldn’t tell her that he’s dead, because it’s been six fucking months — plus, they’d want to bury him, see the body.” He’s still staring straight ahead at the pod, so intently that Alex wonders if he’s trying to will Max to open his eyes and fix all of this. “I ended up saying I hadn’t heard from him, either,” he finishes with a hoarse laugh, and Alex winces at the sound, hating the bitterness that echoes in it. “I told her he and I haven’t really talked in ten years, and I’d be the last person he’d tell if he was taking off.” The guitar seems to bend under the force of Michael’s grip, and Alex, unthinking, reaches out to rescue it from the explosive power of Guerin’s grief before he shatters it.

Once the instrument is safely put to the side, Alex turns at the waist to face Michael and tentatively rests a hand on his forearm, half-expecting to be brushed off immediately. He understands, now, why Michael is upset. He had to have a difficult conversation, and then lie and pretend everything would be fine. And then, on top of that, he was forced to invalidate his own grief to keep the truth hidden. All of that in addition to the stress he’s under daily, now, is a lot for anyone to bear alone.

“You did the right thing,” Alex promises quietly, even though he wishes he had something better. The right thing for the Evans’ is clearly not the right thing for Michael, and Alex wonders if Michael will ever get to be selfish and protect himself, rather than someone else. It doesn’t seem likely, and that fact makes Alex resentful. “None of us are giving up, Guerin. We’ll figure it out, one way or another, and then Max can set things right with his mom himself.” The optimism isn’t exactly Alex’s milieu, but he knows what Michael needs to hear right now and gives it to him with as much certainty as he can conjure.

“What if we can’t?” Michael is the first one to voice the doubt. After six months, none of the rest of them had dared — even Kyle hadn’t questioned the possibility with Rosa standing in front of him after he’d seen her autopsy photos. Isobel and Liz would have sliced them to ribbons with the sharp edges of their tongues, at least — and they’d all just fallen into the reality that was the aliens could bring someone back from the dead, even ten years later. “Max would never forgive us if we killed someone just to bring him back, and I won’t let Iz try it, no matter how much she says she would, if we found someone who ‘deserved it.’”

Alex swallows. As a soldier, he’d believed himself to be fighting people who deserved death for their crimes. He’d gone to war to fight and win battles, and he had — he’d been responsible for the deaths of man, whether with his own gun or by hacking into their own systems to detonate their own weapons to use against them. The nightmares came whether or not the people he killed were terrorists or not, though, and he lived with the knowledge that he’d fallen to their level — that really, he was part of the evil, too. No, he wouldn’t wish that knowledge on Isobel, or anyone else.

“We don’t know that’s the only way,” Alex says, keeping his voice level as they both stare forward at the glowing pod that is the crux of their most pressing problem. “Max may have needed to kill Noah to bring Rosa back, but there are thousands of files full of data on my father’s data bases, and all of those people were capable of doing incredible things. We might be able to find something, still — it just takes time to look through everything. And you and Isobel working together might contribute more power than just Max, so it could just be a matter of finding the right combination of-”

When he chances another look at the other man, Alex finds that Michael’s staring at him, his expression impossible to read in the dim light of the cave. He trails off, self-conscious under that inscrutable stare. There was a time when Alex believed he could read every flicker of emotion in those features, back when the world still made sense and aliens were a cool villain in action movies, rather than his reality. Now, Alex knows better, just as he knows that it’s stupid to remind Guerin of all the work they’ve been doing to help Max. He’s been spearheading most of the attempts with Liz and Isobel; it’s not like Michael doesn’t know what their options are, and their chances of success. He shouldn’t have recapped it all when he’s got nothing new to offer. Blind optimism is hardly useful, and Michael won’t appreciate —

Suddenly, they’re so close that Alex can feel Michael’s breath on his face, and his own stutters in his chest, effectively ending the inner turmoil their proximity creates. This is the closest they’ve been in so long that his body doesn’t know how to react; he feels flushed and cold simultaneously, aroused and terrified of making the wrong move all at once. He swallows, the noise loud to his own ears, and slowly pulls his gaze from where it lingered on Michael’s lips to his eyes. This is not what it feels like, he tells himself firmly. He’s not ready. He’s not going to kiss you. Stop getting your hopes up.

But Michael is oblivious to Alex’s inner monologue and only leans closer, one of his hands lifting to rest against the side of Alex’s jaw. “You never give up, do you?” he asks, and the wonder in his tone tells Alex that they’re having two different conversations. It’s enough to make his heartbeat pick up the pace, and Alex tries to give himself another reminder that this can’t be what it seems, but months of patience and repressed desire makes him reckless.

Slowly, Alex lifts his own hand to cover the one still cupping his jaw, and he smiles, small and hopeful, at Michael. He knows that the other man will be able to see everything he’s feeling if he cares to look; Alex is good at hiding his emotions when he has to, but Michael knows him too well, and he’s too tired of fighting for nothing to even try. It’s time to be honest, both of them — and if this goes sideways, maybe, at the very least, Alex will be able to break the holding pattern he’s been stuck in for half a year.

“Not on things that matter,” he whispers, and despite all the stern warnings he’d been giving himself a mere moment ago, Michael is touching him like he hasn’t in months, in the way no one has in just as long. The unintentional isolation was enough, several months ago, to drive Alex to excess drinking and an ill-advised attempt at a kiss. Michael had rebuffed him — kindly, of course, and with an explanation that had given Alex hope for the future — but it had still stung, still translated in his mind as Guerin doesn’t want me. So as much as Alex aches to haul Michael in by the collar of his flannel and kiss him senseless, he doesn’t.

Instead, Alex waits, all of his most vulnerable parts on display, and hopes.

Michael’s so close Alex can count each of his individual eyelashes, and he takes a moment to appreciate that the haunted, lonely look has vanished from his face. In its place is a crooked smirk, a more honest approximation of the expression that has gotten Alex in his bed more than once in the past decade. It’s so good to see him smile, to see the tension begin to ease from his shoulders, that Alex nearly forgets the want building in his gut — nearly.

“You matter to me, too,” Michael murmurs, and then there’s no more waiting. There’s a hand at the back of his head and another at his collar and rough lips against his, moving tentatively and so unlike Michael’s usual gestures of affection that Alex has to take control for a moment. He tangles his fingers in the curls nearest his hands and pulls, trying to remind Michael without words that he doesn’t need to hesitate, that Alex has been here this whole time, waiting, and there’s no chance of rejection. No walking away.

It’s all too easy, then, as soon as Michael takes the cue and deepens the kiss, to forget where they are and why. As always, as soon as their lips align, Alex forgets everything but the way Michael tastes on his tongue and the feel of their bodies pressed against one another. Reasonable thought goes up in flames, burned to ash by the heat they generate when they share space, and Alex is half in Michael’s lap before he even realizes how he got there, bad leg extended to help him keep his balance. It’s heady and overwhelming and everything he’s been missing since the last time he was allowed to this, and Alex never wants it to end.

A firm hand on his stops the exploration beneath the hem of Michael’s shirt. “No,” a rough voice tells him, the word spoken against Alex’s lips. Instantly, Alex pulls away and all but falls out of Michael’s lap and into the dirt, kiss-swollen and breathless and suddenly nauseous with anxiety. Michael said ‘no.’ Michael stopped him, pushed him away. Again. Michael still doesn’t want him. Fuck, when is he going to learn that Manes men don’t get happy endings? When is he going to stop doing this to himself? How many times is he going to have to piece himself together when he and Michael can’t make this thing between them work?

“Hey, stay with me,” Michael says, and there are gentle fingers on his jaw, making him meet Michael’s gaze. It hurts to do so, but Alex is done being a victim. He’d said six months ago that he was only going to fight his own battles from then on, and fighting for Michael Guerin is the only one that’s ever really been worth it.

“Look,” Alex starts, his voice harsher than he’d intended. “I know you’re still figuring things out, Guerin. I know you’ve got a lot on your plate, and everything between us is complicated — but both of us being miserable and alone isn’t going to solve any of that! It’s not going to bring Max back, and it’s damn sure not going to help you deal with what my father did. But I’m not my father, Michael! I’m not, and it’s taken me six months to realize that there’s never any chance of becoming him.” That revelation had been a long time coming, and hard-fought, but Alex isn’t worried about becoming Jesse Manes anymore. He may not be a good man, and he may not deserve forgiveness for the mistakes he’s made, but Alex is no genocidal maniac, and he never will be.

Michael shakes his head and opens his mouth, his eyes wide, but Alex cuts him off. “No. I need to say this, okay? Just — let me. I’m in love with you, Michael. That hasn’t changed. You can date a hundred other people, and it’ll still be true. You could take another ten years to figure out if you can be with me, and my feelings won’t change. You’re my family, my safe place, and I —” Much to his shame, Alex’s voice shakes. “I need you. But if you can’t do this? If you really, honestly, don’t think we’re ever going to be able to work this out, I need to know. Because I can’t keep waiting around and breaking my own heart forever.”

The words hurt so much to say they may as well have been burned into his skin, but Alex pushes them through gritted teeth anyway. He doesn’t want to hear that it’s really over, isn’t sure he’ll be able to keep it together long enough to escape Michael’s presence before he breaks completely, but maybe, if he finally hears the truth, he’ll be able to do something. Move out of town, maybe. Find a city somewhere to start over. Do something other than take turns walking away with Michael Guerin.

“Alex, what are you — I just kissed you,” Michael reminds him, the genuine incredulity in his eyes making more of an impression on Alex than the words. “What the hell did you think that was?”

Alex blinks, taken aback by the question. “I - you said ‘no,’” he protests, though it’s weaker than it should be. He’s realized, belatedly, that he jumped to conclusions without giving Michael a chance to say anything, but he absolutely refuses to get his hopes up again.

“I said ‘no’ because we were about two minutes from having sex in front of my brother,” Michael says dryly, and gestures with his chin to the pod. “Not that he’d notice, but —” he shifts uncomfortably, eyes lingering on Max’s still form beneath the cloudy glass. “Doesn’t exactly feel right, you know? Plus, we’d have sand in all sorts of uncomfortable places, and I’m not a big fan of chafing.” He shoots a grin over his shoulder at Alex, but he can read the nervousness in the expression. Michael’s just as unsure as he is, and neither of them are handling this as well as they could be.

Alex exhales shakily, and nods once. “That . . . makes sense.” Chewing at the inside of his cheek, he shifts, trying to get comfortable on the ground again. “So, just to be sure we’re on the same page, that kiss meant --?”

“That kiss meant that you matter to me, too,” Michael repeats his earlier words immediately, a fond smile on his face, that temporarily masks the exhaustion and grief of the past half a year. “And that I’m just as fucking tired of waiting as you are. I can’t promise I’m going to be easy to put up with —”

“When were you ever?” Alex tosses back, and despite his best efforts, hope balloons in his chest.

“— and I have to make Max my priority. I owe it to Isobel and Liz, and him,” Michael continues, as if Alex never spoke. He’s running the pads of his fingers over the back of the hand Jesse Manes had once taken a hammer to, obviously remembering one of the many things he wants to talk to his brother about, but can’t. “But if you’re sure you want to sign up for this, then I’m not going anywhere.”

This is something that Alex has been hoping to put up with for the last six months. Michael sees himself as an outsider, as someone not worth the love that he so richly deserves, because that’s what life has taught him. What Alex has taught him, inadvertently. And there are plenty of reasons for them to not be together — Jesse Manes and his alien crusade at the top of the list. But Alex isn’t afraid of aliens or his father anymore. His only fear is living a life without Michael Guerin in it, and if he doesn’t have to face that reality, he can face just about anything else.

“Sign, huh? Is there a dotted line somewhere?” Alex asks, his heart pounding so loudly he’s sure Michael can hear it. “Or is this the kind of deal we seal with a kiss?”

Michael laughs, unrestrained and genuinely happy, and every insecurity and doubt Alex feels melts away in the warmth of that sound. Because if he can make Michael happy, even for just this moment in the midst of the madness they’re enduring, then everything has been worth it. He leans in close, trusting Michael to support him, and presses their lips together in silent promise.

#my fic #malex fic #roswell new mexico fic #roswellnm #hurt/comfort #x. Aftermath

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alwaysbewoke · 5 years

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"You know, he's only mean to you because he likes you!"

Cast your mind back to the playground. Aaron and the other boys are playing tag, and he won't let you join in. The louder he insists, the harder you try to insert yourself, the situation escalating until Aaron sticks his leg out and you go flying. If he was trying especially hard to embody a cliche, he might even pull your pigtails. So far, so normal. Kids are cruel and weird. As a kid yourself, you're doing a pretty weird/normal job of processing the exclusionary nastiness ... until you hear from Mom that sometimes being treated badly is actually a good thing. "You know, he only does that because he likes you!" she says, spinning the meanness as a compliment.

Even worse, you're at that age when you can detect that "He likes you" means something different here, even if you're not quite sure what. There's an implicit idea -- perhaps in part because you don't understand -- that it's a special condition of feeling. As such, it entitles its "feeler" to a whole different criteria for good and bad behavior.

Mom is trying to prepare you for something she knows you won't understand, that soon boys are going to start acting strangely, that you're about to spend the rest of your life misinterpreting each others' motives. But "He's mean because he likes you" is such a tragic and bizarre introduction to the idea. It's like having your driving instructor begin the first lesson with "Remember, sometimes pedestrians scream because they're happy!"

Even if it seems harmless on the playground, wait until high school, the workplace, cohabiting relationships, and marriage, hoo boy. He's calling every three minutes because he loves me. He hits me because I drive him to it, his passion overflowing as violence. Even if it's true that the boy on the playground acts badly because he has a crush and this is his weird preteen way of processing it, that doesn't need any reinforcing.

"Why don't you have the party here? I'll pick up some snacks!"

You're somewhere between 13 and 18 and you are going to have A Party. It's been weeks in the planning stages. Someone's big sister has been coerced into doing the booze run. Someone's parents have been stupid enough to OK a get-together and leave their house at your collective mercy. The stars have aligned, the fates are in your favor, and this is the most excited you've probably ever been. A whole evening of unsupervised, uncomfortable, elated nonsense!

The prospect has practically had your teeth chattering. What do you wear? He'll be there. Which song will be playing when your sparkly hair clips convince him to kiss you instead of Charlotte? What is the right ratio of soda to vodka?

Of course, hearing your mom's cheerful "Why don't you have the party here?" is nothing compared to the obviously life-ruining "You're going to that party over my dead body" or even "Be home by 11." But therein lies its stealthy power. You could justify a teenage tantrum over your attendance being vetoed altogether, or even a curfew, but how to rebuff the thinly veiled bid to oversee proceedings disguised as an innocent offer to host? You are suddenly playing a subtle, deadly game.

How to articulate that any amount of meddling would crash the imaginary ecosystem of this social event, where everyone likes your shoes and laughs at your jokes? Or that you're both too old andtoo young for the kind of party where snacks play even a supporting role? How to refuse categorically without letting on that homey safety is kryptonite to a Successful Evening? You wriggle quickly and smilingly away. "Oh, Lila's parents will be home. They've already taken care of everything." Now you can only pray that she doesn't call to verify this.

"I'll leave you lovebirds to it!"

This one is said when a young girl is about to be left alone with a young boy, regardless of relationship or circumstances. Maybe he's the weird son of Mom's friend from work. No! Don't leave us to it! He breathes through his mouth!

At that age, it seems incredible that she can't pick up on how much you don't want this to happen. The intensity with which adolescent feelings are felt (I've never hated anyone as much as I hated my math teacher) would lead you to believe that they can be felt by anyone in their orbit. A teenager in love is one thing, and should be as legible as Times New Roman to anyone paying attention. A teenager seething with disgust, though, is strong as a poltergeist. How can she not know?

So while you can't believe that your mother would think you're enjoying the way her boyfriend's nephew is eyeballing your braces, she's only thinking of you when she suggests the two of you take a joint trip to the corner shop. You walk as far away from him as the pavement will permit. You shudder when the heavy breathing intensifies after bumping into each other, fumbling by the till. This will happen again and again. "Oh, here's the offspring of my roommate from college. When's the wedding, amirite?" How to break it to her that you're more interested in his sister?

"You know you can always talk to me about your sex life! I remember when your father and I first got together ..."

This invitation to spill your beans probably crops up before you even have any to spill. Sure, there's a whiff of something. Maybe she's caught you gazing at a classmate at school pickup. Maybe you tell too many stories about Amy's brother when you come back from her house. "Amy's brother doesn't listen to that band." "Amy's brother said he liked my jeans." "Amy's brother, Amy's brother, Amy's brother Amy's- brother, Amy's brother."

Anyway, someone told your mother that it's important to be open about these things. She wouldn't want you to develop a complex, would she? What better way to ease your discomfort than "I remember when your father and I first got together." WELL I REMEMBER WHEN I DIDN'T HAVE TO PICTURE MY PARENTS HAVING SEX.

"You can always talk to me about your sex life" just serves to highlight your lack of one, which is especially bruising when sex is all you think about -- tinging the corners of your heavy-breathing dreams, chronically manifest in your peripheral vision, but just out of reach. Knowing too much about it will recontextualize innocent fantasy into something scary and dirty. Hey, you've seen people making out in films. That lingerie ad. Then there was that video clip Paul sent round the class. You got through 12 seconds before switching it off like a scary movie.

Of course, these scraps and gaps have generated so many questions that it's hard to know where to start. And your mother would be more than happy to explain "why people make those noises" and that no, you don't "stand on your head to stop getting pregnant." But you will refuse these invaluable pointers. The final nail in your pre-adolescent coffin would be to hear that your parents were at it more than you are (not hard, but still unfair). Sex isn't sex yet, but what it is belongs to people your age -- fumbling, yearning, et al.

You'll get over this, but it's a hard pill to swallow that is offered A) when it is most crucially needed and B) when you couldn't be less receptive to it. Give it ten years, and you'll be calling her after every bad date.

"Are you sure you're happy? By the time I was your age ..."

You're cleaning up together -- look how responsible you are! -- after a family dinner. Back in the home you grew up in, and moved out of, just for the evening, or maybe the weekend. Either way, this is you as a proto-adult: feckless as ever, but somehow funding a life beyond the cocoon. Conversations like this are sprung when handwork is available. You don't have to look at each other, there's a time limit imposed by the activity, and silences can be filled with industrious scrubbing, etc. Variations include "How's the novel coming along?" and "Why don't you call Childhood-Friend-With-Whom-Your-Relationship-Ruptured-Very-Painfully-Somewhere-Along-The-Way?"

"Are you happy?" is the killer, though. Amidst a lifetime (or at least an adolescence) of cringing every time your poor mother tries to join in or make your life easier, this is the splinter beneath a thin nail built from half-truths and self-trickery. The end of that WMD of sentences is some version of "by the time I was your age, I had you and your sister," "I'd met your father," or "I'd already started working at [place she'll be working at until retirement]."

She asks because she worries about you, but that just means that managing her worries is another thing you've failed at. Answering in a way that will ease her fears isn't easy when the truth is you're not single out of some concerted effort to make peace with yourself before launching into a relationship, or renting because you "like the flexibility." That you are, in reality, lonely and poor.

On the one hand, maybe Mom doesn't know what a digital marketing account manager is. On the other hand, maybe that is not a job anyone sensible wants in any sincere way. Maybe she just doesn't recognize how, even though your boyfriend is always hungover at family lunch and doesn't pick up when you call on a long weekend, he's actually really artistic and authentically himself. Maybe your latest diet looks like an eating disorder, your latest phase a personal crisis -- and then again, maybe it is. God, Mom, you've sent me down a spiral! "I'm doing fine!" you'll say. And some day, you'll probably get that same answer from your own kid.

ladies, thoughts?

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vikingsong · 5 years

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Thoughts on SPN 14x17

In the midst of what appears to be a general fandom freak-out about the promo for 14x18, Id like to offer a few thoughts on 14x17 from both fan- and writing- perspectives:

1) I liked a lot of things about this episode. Will it make the highlight reel of best episodes in the entire series? No, but it is a pretty solid one and much better writing than a lot of episodes have been, especially in the past 5+ years. I appreciated that the main trio each had individual quests/arcs in this episode during which they each display moments of character development. It felt relatively balanced, structurally speaking.

2) Castiel’s convo with Anael: Cas has wrestled with his faith in his father, since, oh, /Season 4/. He has struggled again and again to reconcile his general sense of abandonment by his father against the handful of instances where his father has decided to intervene to either resurrect Cas or otherwise save the day. It’s not a once-and-done issue for Cas; he’s gone the full spectrum from blind faith, to trying to replace Chuck as a new-and-improved, more involved (read: more smiting) version of his father, to cynicism and depression. So—whether one agrees with his theology/worldview or not—it’s a big deal for Cas to say to Anael that they are not alone, even if Chuck doesn’t respond. He’s still willing to reach out to Chuck, but this time it doesn’t utterly crush him when Chuck doesn’t immediately answer (though I think Chuck could still show up eventually, but that’s just a vague theory). And in a sense, Cas is summarizing a major theme of the entire series: community and teamwork vs isolation and conflict. This theme is represented in the Winchester view of family, which “don’t end with blood,” and it’s represented in all of the plot arcs where each member of the ensemble characters has, on at least one occasion, rejected another ensemble character out of lack of trust (usually following some kind of betrayal). So it seems fitting to me that Cas is sharing that view of community with Anael, even in the midst of yet another solo side-quest to try to fix everything...again. Humans are contradictory creatures a lot of the time, and Cas is too, now, by extension of his interactions with the Winchesters. He’s sharing the things he’s learned from his human family with a member of his angel family. I’d love to see more of that dynamic in the future.

3) Anael’s character gets some development, too. It still feels a bit slap-dash and contradictory to me as it stands now, but I think it has a lot of potential if it’s handled well in future episodes. It investigates the question of what happens when someone cares too much and punished for that? What exactly does that do to them and, more importantly, how do they respond (another major them in the show)? It’s an interesting contrast to the way that Lucifer was originally presented. He was said to have loved Chuck more than humanity, so he disobeyed the direct order to be more devoted to humanity. Now it appears that Anael loved humanity too much, so she rejected Chuck because he refused to “meddle.” Both Anael and Lucifer were punished for their actions. Lucifer responded by creating demons and embarking on a world-domination spree for millennia, but Anael chose to go around healing people while also indulging her taste for luxuries. So how exactly did she get from point A to point B? It brings to mind Rowena’s story arc as well. How might Anael grow as a result of interacting with Cas and his human family? I’d personally like to see that character arc. And I also think she and Rowena might get along splendidly.

4) Head injuries!: I know I’m not the first person to make this observation, but head injuries are a big deal and—demon-blood, Mark of Cain, and archangel vessels aside—the Winchester brothers are still human. And the reality of life as hunters is that a routine job could kill you, not just the jobs that involve saving the world. So it seems this season someone finally pointed out that something like that is enough to break any human, even a Winchester. Yeah, I know they have a habit of getting resurrected so it lacks true dramatic tension, but it injects a healthy reminder back into the show that one day—say, end of next season?—the time will come when the Winchesters won’t actually survive dying. (Only in SPN does that sentence make sense...)

5) I like the Jack-teetering-on-the-brinck arc and I personally think he’s been heading toward being the S14 big bad all season. Michael was a diversion. Lucifer was a diversion. Both have been beaten before (see Season 5). And both have served to set up just how much of a threat the fandom’s favorite smol nougat-loving son actually is. The moment Jack destroyed Michael—at the cost of most of his soul—I just knew that was where this was headed. It’s Buffy Season 6 all over again...the obvious threat for the first half of the season—which is actually a valid threat on its own—is the one the protagonists focus on so much that they can’t see one of their own going off the rails until it’s almost too late. When that happens, it comes down to connection and relationship to save the world, not just winning by wasting the bad guys. I’m eager to see if SPN has a similar “yellow crayon” scene.

6) Dean’s convo with Mary. I particularly liked that Dean recognized that he and Mary are alike—it was a brief line, but it shows a lot. He’s gotten to know Mary as a person, not just his idealized memory of her. We know he has already forgiven her, which is huge. (Btw, that scene where he tells her he loves her and hates her, but most importantly, he forgives her is one of the most powerful scenes in the entire series, IMHO. Seriously. The writing was great and Jensen Ackles’ delivery was flawless. JA also made some really great observations in an interview or something about why he felt that scene made so much sense in Dean’s character arc.) So to have Dean be able to recognize that his mom is a complex person, too, and that not all of his problematic traits are from his dad or because of the bad things Dean’s been through—well, that feels like personal and relational growth to me.

7) Sam’s convo with Mary: He’s still dealing with survivor’s guilt, so it naturally hits him extra hard when he learns yet another person is dead because of the domino effect of his choices. It takes his mom—whose approval he still craves, in a way, since he grew up without it—telling him that he’s a good man (after so many people have told him over the years that he was tainted, an abomination) and that he made the choices he made for the right reasons, even though they didn’t turn out the way that he’d had wanted. (I personally think he should have shot Nick promptly in the fight scene in 14x17, both because self-defense and because the Winchesters have killed threats, even human ones, for a lot less than what Nick is trying to do, so it feels a bit strange character-wise to me that he didn’t. But I digress.)

8) Last but not least, Jack’s arc: It’s so much more interesting that he’s trying to figure out how to be good while still effectively going to the dark side than if he suddenly went 100% soulless and evil without remorse. Because this still feels like Jack, and that’s the source of tension for the ensemble of characters who know and love Jack. They fear for him and well as fear the threat of what he could become. There’s much more depth there to explore as well as the potential for a very Winchester-style redemption arc.

So yeah, 14x18 looks like it has plenty of tension and angst and such, but l just wanted to pause and recognizes the plot and character developments of a solid episode this week. </rant>

#spn #spn 14x17 #character development

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kanashiba · 6 years

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21 and mryder+gil p l s

Prompts: “You’re not very intimidating”

Notes: It’s a Modern Day Coffee Shop AU (Sue me I write what I know). Also it turns out that my writing skills are way rustier than I anticipated so.... yeah I mean I guess read it and laugh lmao.

“Next Customer!” Scott shouted over the din of the coffee shop he worked at.

A man in a blue hoodie and bright red hair messily brushed back stepped forward, “Can I get a large vanilla latte with coconut milk to take away please” he asked.

Scott forced the urge to raise an eyebrow. While he hated the stereotypes around people and their drink orders, he had to admit the other man had thrown him through a loop with that one.

“That’ll be $3.95” he said

The other man reached into his pocket and froze. “Uhh, I don’t suppose you would be open to me robbing you?” He asked, a blush slowly crawling up his neck.

Scott laughed. “Maybe if you had ordered something scarier and weren’t blushing, right now you’re not very intimidating.” Taking pity on the other man, he said, “Tell ya what, you can owe me one”.

The other man perked up “Thanks mate, although what exactly do I owe you?” he replied playfully.

“A kiss under a distant planet, illuminated by the shining moon high in the sky”

Gil raised an eyebrow, “I may not be able to deliver on that” he said.

“Alright fine, it’s on the house, it’s my good deed for the month. I’m like the good samaritan except I’m helping a cute doofus instead of a robbed dude” Scott shot back. “How about just your name instead?”.

“It’s Gil, and yes I’ve heard all the jokes. What’s yours?”

“Scott” he said, giving the other man a wink. He couldn’t tell if Gil was picking up on what he hoped were his obvious flirting signals. Truthfully flirting was not his forte, and what skills he had, had fallen into disrepair long ago.

As he made the man’s order he took the chance to discreetly check him out. Scott had to admit that he was even hotter than he first thought. He figured the other man was around his age, and those eyes, those were eyes he could get lost in. Gil appeared to be staring at the chalkboard with the quote of the day Cora had lovingly written that morning with indifference, although Scott thought he saw a flicker of movement in the corner of the other man’s eye.

Before he could decide if he was imagining things, his hand started to burn. Rapidly turning his attention back to the drink he was just about to ruin, he thankfully managed to save it in time. If he got lost in thought and ended up splattering the walls with milk one more time this week Cora was going to kill him. Being able to impress the cute guy with his drink making skills was also a plus too.

“There you go, one large coconut vanilla latte, made with love and on the house” he said, handing the other man his coffee.

“Thank’s Scott, and don’t worry, I always pay my debts” Gil said, with a smile, his piercing eyes staring playfully into Scott’s.

“Ahha anytime dude” Scott managed to choke out, as e felt a rising surge of heat rapidly approach his neckline.

This appeared to make the other man smile and he turned to saunter out the door on the way to… wherever it was he was going.

“Really? ‘anytime dude’, that’s what you went with?” asked Cora, who had evidently been watching everything from the doorway to the Kitchen.

“What? I’m rusty, besides at least I don’t hide in the kitchen whenever my crush comes by” he shot back. Cora smiled at him, and he knew that he was going to pay for that remark at a later date.

He and Cora had gotten off to a rocky start. She was his father’s protege and he was far from the son his father had wanted, but after they were essentially purged from the military, they had to stick together. Even more so after Alec’s disappearance. Scott liked Cora though, she pushed him and didn’t let him swallow his own excuses, and he helped her loosen up a little.

“Do you think he’ll be back?” Scott asked.

Cora grinned, “Probably, he was checking you out just as much as you were checking him out” she replied.

Scott punched the air, which made Cora laugh.

The next day, a familiar figure waltzed in shortly after opening. “Hey Scott, can I get an Americano to go, I can pay ya this time,” Gil said cheerily.

“Now that’s a big change since yesterday, what gives?” Scott asked as he made the other mans order.

“Having a regular order is so predictable, I just pick what my gut tells me, today it said Americano.”

“A man of impulse, that’s very sexy you know”

“Oh is it?” Gil said, the tone of his voice subtly shifting to something smoother, kinder, more intimate. “Well, I’ll have to remember that”.

After Scott had rung him up, Gil turned to leave but paused. “Hey Scott, I think I know how to pay you back… kind of, but it involves a small road trip, you interested?”

“Sure, yeah why not,” replied Scott, as he tried to ignore his sweating palms and the rising heat in his chest. Was this a date, even if it was why was he so hot and bothered. What was going on?

“Great, I’ll pick you up tonight, see you then,” Gil said with a smile, and with that, he left.

“Did you just get asked on a date?” Cora asked.

“I think so,” said Scott.

Before the conversation could continue, he saw Cora’s crush, Jaal, leave the store he worked at and start walking over to their coffee shop, likely in pursuit of a coffee or a bagel. Before Cora noticed and made an excuse, Scott quickly untied his apron and dashed into the Kitchen “Gotta take a quick break” he called out to Cora as he sped back to the Kitchen, out of Cora's sight but still able to see the counter.

Cora looked confused until the doorbell chimed and Jaal walked in, at which point she began to turn blush and awkwardly try and get coherent sentences out as she served the man.

As Ryder left the shop, he saw Gil waiting for him, leaning against a beat up old land rover. “You ready?” Gil asked.

“Oh absolutely,” Scott replied

As they drove through the town, freshly covered in a thick blanket of snow, Scott realized that they were leaving it and heading in the directions of the mountains that loomed over their home.

“Where exactly are we going?”

“Trust me alright, it’s a surprise” replied Gil. “Don’t worry, I promise I’m not a murderer”.

At this Scott laughed, “Trust me, Gil, if anyone’s dying tonight it’s not going to be me”. Gil gave him a puzzled look. “I’m more… well, I was once more than a barista” he replied. While Dad’s intensive training had been hard on him and Sarah, it had left him with a valuable skill set that meant he could take care of himself.

“You never told me what you do during the day,” said Scott, trying to shift the conversation away from him.

“I’m the chief mechanic at the nearby military base, I keep everything running smoothly over there, even fix up old cars like this one in my spare time, it’s probably the only thing I was really good at, well, that and poker.”

“Poker? I suppose it fits doesn’t it, you seem like someone who likes the thrill of unknown risks, reading people too. We should play sometime.”

“Oh, is that a challenge?” asked Gil, with a hint of mischief in his voice.

“Not really, I’ve only ever played the strip version and I’m very bad at it…. Or very good, depending on what you count as winning,” Scott said with a playful grin.

“Well, I only regret that I didn’t bring any playing cards with me,” Gil said, and Scott noticed his cheeks were ever so slightly flushed.

They sat in silence for a while, Gil focusing on the road and Scott staring out the window at the dark creeping forest that sped by them. He liked the forest, and it’s secrets. It was open but mysterious, you could explore it till the end of your days and it still might not reveal all it’s secrets to you, and while it was full of beauty there was still the danger you might get lost in it. He wondered if this applied to Gil too, the other man was… open on the surface but Scott sensed a deep layer of complexity that was closed off to the world, rumbling deep below.

“Do you have any family nearby?” He asked Gil.

“Not really, never knew my parents, and I grew up in the foster system. I was lucky, I was always meddling with old engines and tech, it was easy for me to get a job, to get out. Not everyone did. There’s Jill, we met in the same foster home, we don’t always agree on everything but we’ve got each other’s backs, only way we could survive really. She’s a developmental biologist at the nearby college now, we don’t see each other as much as we should.” Gil replied, there was a sad tone in his voice, his was a life with less happy moments than there should have been. “What about you?” he asked Scott.

“My mom died a year ago, my dad disappeared off the face of the Earth. Me and my sister are the only ones left. We were a Navy family but… well, Dads parting gift was to ruin not only his career, but mine and Sarah’s, and even Cora’s too. Sarah works overseas now, she mainly acts as a liaison between archeological dig teams from here and the locals.”

“Wait, who’s Cora?”

“Oh right, she’s the woman at the coffee shop. We started it together, neither of us really knew what to do after Dad and we’d always joked about it. It’s fun but… I think we’re both using it as a resting spot until we know what to do.” Scott finished.

“Well… shit, and I thought I had a lot going on” Gil said

Scott laughed “Here’s to crazy histories, and even crazier futures” he mimed and toast, as did Gil, albeit with one hand.

The conversation fell to a natural lull, as they both contemplated what the other had said.

Half an hour later and they were there, there being up the side of one of the mountains that surrounded the town. “Come on, it’s about ten minutes walk that way,” said Gil as he pointed in a direction that looked no different than any other direction.

“If we get lost, I will eat you for food,” said Scott, but he followed Gil nonetheless.

“Scott?” Gill asked after the pair had been walking a couple of minutes.

“Yes?”

“I… don’t know why but you’re different” he began “And I have a tendency to rush into things, and when it comes to relationships, well normally the other person is just as eager to rush in and then rush away just as fast but, that’s not…” he trailed off.

“Gil, I, along with the rest of the Ryders, am many things, but I promise you I’m not scared of going fast,, I love it, I love not knowing what will happen. Only by leaping from the edge to we discover that we can fly.” Scott paused for a second “That being said, I will happily put on the brakes if you want, I suppose you we have only known each other for forty-eight hours”.

“Does that bother you?” asked Gil. He was trying to sound nonchalant but the twinge of worry did not escape Scott’s notice.

“Truthfully? No. I’ve seen people rush into things and have it end in disaster, but the same can be said for people who are cautious. I think the person matters more than the speed, and I have a good feeling about you”.

Gil seemed relieved. “Thank’s Scott” he whispered, almost as if he was afraid the other man would hear.

Scott smiled and reached out for the other man’s hand. Gil seemed surprised but he let Scott firmly grasp his hand. Gil’s hand was warmer and much rougher than Scott, years of hands-on mechanic work having left its work.

The two walked hand in hand, two kindred spirits intertwined as one until they reached a small clearing.

Scott gasped. The clearing was on a natural ledge at the side of the mountain. Stretched out below was the town, the lights glittering in the distance as it danced across the snowflakes gently falling from the sky. Above them the full moon hung in the sky, casting it’s glow across the land so that even though around them it was dark, that clearing was naturally alight.

“Gil… it’s beautiful” Scott said breathlessly, and it truly was. Scott had traveled the world and had seen so much natural beauty, to know that it lay also so close to home was oddly comforting.

“Ahha thanks, I used to come here with… an old friend.” Gil paused, “I know it’s not under a distant planet, that was slightly outside my budget, but I hope this is close enough.” he said, his cheeks glowing red.

Scott paused, was the other man embarrassed, or flustered? He turned to Gil and laid his hand flat on Gil’s chest. Even under his jacket, Scott could feel Gil’s heartbeat quicken. He turned to look up at Gil, who was staring intently back at him. “I think I said something about a kiss?”

“Well…” Gil began, as his arms wrapped around Scott, and Scott, in turn, ran his other hand around to the back of Gil’s head. “I really don’t want to ru-” the sentence fading from his mouth as Scott slowly pulled Gill forward into a kiss.

It was, in truth, probably not the best kiss in the history of kisses. Both men were out of practice and emotions running high tends to make things run less smoothly, but it was a “good enough” kind kiss and neither party would trade it for the world.

Gil’s lips were warm against Scotts, much warmer than the snow gently falling around them, and for a moment however brief, the Universe shrank to a single point, two men locked in an embrace, before it exploded outwards in a loud shattering storm of light and beauty.

Scott breathlessly pulled away from the warm embrace. “You certainly paid your debt in full, but would you consider a charitable donation?”

Gil laughed, and leaned back in for another kiss.

#gil brodie #scott ryder #mass effect andromeda #mine #my writing #I tried lol #Anonymous

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ksaori · 7 years

Text

Hear me (04/??)

:[ Katekyo Hitman Reborn ]

Summary:

" Stop. “ he said.

” Help! “ he screamed.

” Please… hear me. “ he begged.

Then silence.

Mute!27

Previous chapter | Next chapter

Warning: Bullying, violence, depression.

Disclaimer: I don’t own Katekyo Hitman REBORN

” Talk “

” Tsuna’s writing “

’ Thought ’

Read on ff.net

Chapter 4: When you die

Tsuna stared at his bedroom ceiling, unable to sleep. It wasn't something new to him, strange and twisted thoughts were always present in his head and it was rare the night when he could sleep peacefuly without doubting his own existence and his worth. He tried to not think about those things — hurt, despair, hate, sadness — ( his mom would be so sad ), but it was so dificult. Everything seemed to end in the same thought.

But this time was different ( it wasn't ). Looking at the baby sleeping at the other side of the room, Tsuna's head was filled with question about mafia. Why him? Why would they choose him? Why the dumb, weakling, mute civilian? Why they don't just forget about blood and try actually search for someone useful? Tsuna didn't know anything about mafia, but he was sure that someone like him would die rather quickly for they liking. With failing grade at every subject and the coordination of a newborn baby, there was no way for him to survive.

Sitting up, Tsuna stared at his window and touched his throat. Reborn would give up. He would say to his boss that Tsunayoshi wasn't suit to be a mafia, much less a boss. After all who would bet on a useless stupid civilian to command an organization in the mafia? They would just leave him and choose another one. Everyone did that.

It would be okay.

But...

He didn't want to people to give up on him ( even when he knows that he would give up on himself, too ). Call him a dreamer, but he still wanted to be accepted.

It is impossible, he knows. No one want a kid, a friend, a brother, a student like him. There is no use for someone useless, idiot, clusmy, weak, coward—

Stop.

He needed to stop. He shouldn't have this toughts. Tsuna knows that if he continues he will give up and stop trying.

Breath.

Tsuna weakened the grip he had on his throat. He didn't remember clutching it as if trying to suffocate his self. It was habit now and maybe it was he trying to end everything, but he shouldn't do it, not when his mother still tried for him and welcomed him and held him carefuly to never hurt him again.

It was difficult to not go, but if it's for her he would stay, beacuse he only had her and she only had him ( his father was long forgoten by him ). They held tight on each other to survive a life that wans't made for them.

A little shaken, Tsuna lied again and tried to sleep. Maybe there he would be heard.

He was sleepy and tired and to be awaken from his dream — so beautiful, so perfect dream — was something hard and hurtful. He didn't want to, but he had to.

Tsuna heard his mother calling and felt she shaking his body lightly. Her soft voice made he to want to wake up. He needed to be there for her.

Opening his eyes, he nodded at Nana as a greeting.

" Good morning, Tsu-kun. ", she said with her sweet smile.

After being left to prepare his self to another school day, Tsuna idly noticed that Reborn wasn't in his bedroom anymore. Going down stairs, he saw the baby ( and the chamaleon ) eating breakfast with his mother.

" Good morning. "

" Ciaossu! "

Sitting down to eat, the middle schooler felt Reborn's eyes following every of his movements; it was subtle, but it was there. Tsuna pretended to not have noticed and acted normal, or at least, he tried. In the back of his mind, somehow he knew that the little hitman noticed his tensed muscles and his brown eyes avoided to meet his black ones.

Tsuna hoped for this to end quickly, but even after going out the baby followed him, eyes glued on his back.

" Why are you following me? ", the boy mouthed as if he was grumbling, an unusual annoyed feeling bubbling inside of him.

" Because that's my job, Dame-Tsuna. "

" Wha- ", Tsuna turned to Reborn, gapping. How the heck he knew his nickname and why he answerd a unsaid question? Tsuna knows that he can't speak and he was sure that he didn't write it down to show to the hitman.

" I can read minds, Dame-Tsuna. And I'm a mafioso — the best hitman of all — so of course I can at least gather information from a civilian. ", Reborn answerd with a cocky smile and Tsuna backed down. The farther form Reborn the better.

A little more conscious of the baby, he went back on his way to the school. It didn't last long as he stopped again.

Just around the corner Kyoko was walking. Her always present smile made Tsuna's heart fluttered. She turned and saw him and then Reborn. Kyoko gapped cutely and started to run toward them.

Tsuna froze; his heart beating fast and his hand clutchig tight on his pants. Why was she comings his way? Did she want to talk to him? Would she like to go togheter to the school? Expectation started to grow togheter with his anxiety. But soon it disappeared with Kyoko kneeling down to talk to Reborn.

The boy's heart fell. Of course she wasn't interessed in him. He was Dame-Tsuna, even if the girl was friendly she wouldn't want to meddle with a useless boy like him.

Looking down, he tried to not show his deception.

Her voice danced in his ears and deep down the brunette still hoped for her to talk to him. Shaking and sweating, he waited for them to end their talking and Kyoko to go away.

" It's Mafia seducion. ", Reborn explained. " You have a crush on her, don't you? "

Tsuna refused to do anything but blush.

" Have you told her yet? ", he asked and the other just gave him a blank stare.

" Sasagawa Kyoko is the school's idol ", Tsuna wrote and ripped the paper, giving to the toddler. " I'm just Dame-Tsuna. There is no reason to say anything, I would just bother her. Better not. "

" That's an amazing loser complex. ", Reborn stated amused, but he also frowned a little, not that anyone noticed.

" Just the truth... " he should go to school. There was no point on trying to explain to a baby why what he was saying was the truth and not just a complex, he was too young to understand. Or maybe he wasn't, after all it was almost a common sense that he was a useless kid.

" Then... Die. " Reborn held a green gun pointed to him.

Tsuna stopped.

What was this baby thinking? It wasn't the first time he heard it. No, he heard this phrase — word — a lot of times, but for a toddler to say it... Maybe they were right.

" Why? ", he mouthed.

" You will know when you die. "

He shot.

And then time stopped.

#fanfiction #khr fanfiction #text #my fanfiction #katekyo hitman reborn #hear me

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allieinarden · 7 years

Text

An anonymous asker wanted me to comment on a certain analysis of Dipper and Mabel’s relationship, encountered elsewhere on the Internet, which interpreted their bond as a destructive and unhealthy one. Anon shared the original analysis with me in full, but was kind enough to provide me with a point-by-point summation of the poster’s arguments, each of which I will address herein.

A) Mabel may learn lessons, but she easily forgets them later on and doesn’t actually tangibly change as a person and doesn’t actually learn anything as her behaviour is still roughly the same.

Mabel’s a more static character than her brother, I grant you that. Dipper’s the protagonist, and as such the character whose growth is the series focus; he’s an avatar of creator Alex Hirsch himself, so there’s a lot of gentle self-deprecation in the way he’s written. But I tend to think that, in terms of story, it makes sense for Mabel to maintain a certain childishness, because that part of her comes to a head during the Weirdmageddon arc, when she has to choose between eternal childhood and the hard reality of growing older.

Dipper himself doesn’t change much during the series; he learns various smaller lessons to the effect of “just let things happen and don’t try to rush them,” but, until the finale, fails to fully imbibe the larger lesson about growing up. The events of Weirdmageddon give us Dipper at his best; he sheds the pervasive need to be seen as an adult that has characterized him from the beginning and in so doing appears at his most mature. He becomes a realist. He stops getting in his own way. At the same time, Mabel relinquishes her selfishness, the world which revolves around her, and her unwillingness to move forward, even granting Dipper the freedom to stay with Ford if he so chooses. They each grow in a far more definite way than they did over the course of the series proper, in which their character flaws were excellent plot fodder. (It’s also worth noting that in the show, as in real life, maturation is a process; we tend to revert to type, and it’s rare that one definitive “lesson” alters our tendencies. We have to learn again and again.)

B) The review ... points out that Dipper has been told the entire summer and probably his entire life that his sister is better than him, meaning his relationship with this sister, no matter how stable it might seem superficially, is actually unstable and based on one of the siblings having a lower-sense of self-worth than the other, at least subconsciously.

I don’t see any evidence that he’s received this kind of treatment, then or now. Stan is tougher on Dipper than on Mabel because he thinks the nervous, noodle-armed Dipper could use the toughening up in a way that his more energetic twin doesn’t. Wendy tells Dipper in “Sock Opera” that he should roll with Mabel’s weirdness because it makes life worth living–but note that it’s Mabel who learns a lesson in “Sock Opera,” in a deliberate reversal of various Season 1 episodes (“Time-Traveler’s Pig,” “The Deep End”) in which Dipper takes the fall. The episode starts with that message rather than ending on it because this time it’s going to be subverted; Mabel is the one who will need to compromise.

Dipper’s under no illusions that his sister is perfect; he complains about her plenty, her behavior often gets on his nerves (as his does on hers) and he asserts himself whenever it’s necessary. But he loves her–loves her, in fact, in the fullest agape sense.

The fact he values his sister’s life over his own can be used as evidence to support this, as this dovetails right into him thinking he is inferior to her, and is an unhealthy thing for him. And his motivation isn’t that he wants to save as many of his friends as possible, but rather that we wants to live long enough to find Mabel, further supporting the theory. Basically, he is his sister’s “emotional slave” as said in the analysis I quoted above.

Dipper’s willingness to put his life on the line for his sister is no evidence of an unhealthy relationship or of an inferiority complex; it’s a testament to his love for her that shows his character in its noblest light. His feeling is one that anyone with a beloved family member, be it brother, sister, parent, or child, is likely to relate to. It’s not an indication that he devalues his own life, but rather that he values her life more. There’s nothing passive or suicidal in Dipper: he has dreams, ambitions, goals for his future (if anything, his flaw is to dwell in the future too much and forget to be twelve). Like Ford before him, he harbors a hope that the things that make him different are signs of a higher destiny, one he would like to get to as quickly as possible. It’s because he values his future highly that the risk he takes for Mabel carries the weight it does. (By contrast, Mabel fears the future so much that she’s willing to throw her life away and idle indefinitely in the prison bubble; for her the heroic action is not a decision to risk her life but a decision to embrace it.)

In fact, however, Dipper does want to save as many of his friends as possible; when Weirdmageddon hits, his first move is to follow Ford into an incredibly dangerous attempt to take out Bill Cipher, cutting off the apocalypse at its source. When that falls through, it’s completely natural that he should try his hardest to find Mabel; she’s his sister, she’s been missing since the whole thing started, he has reason to fear that she might not even be alive. Worse still, the last conversation they had was a fight. With Ford down for the count, his only other “surviving” relative in Gravity Falls at this point is Stan, an adult well-capable of caring for himself.

What’s more, the revelation that Bill has locked Mabel in his prison bubble comes with the idea that rescuing Mabel is in fact the best thing Dipper can do for Gravity Falls; after observing the twins in action all summer, Wendy sees their teamwork as a sufficiently potent force to topple even Bill. She throws in her lot with Dipper because she cares about Mabel, yes, but also because she firmly believes that reuniting the twins is the key to undoing the apocalypse.

C) This right here has to do with the ask you answered last time. The person above who wrote the analysis points out that, even though both Dipper and Mabel have desires that are equally selfish and mean everything to them, Dipper still has to sacrifice more of his desires than Mabel has to as a whole. He also points out how it seems that Mabel might be a bit spoiled, as she can afford to forget the lessons she has learned while Dipper cannot do that, putting her in a privileged position.

As a beautifully-written response to my original post points out, Dipper’s and Mabel’s sacrifices add up evenly. But I think it’s also worth pointing out that Dipper, while experiencing temporary pain, doesn’t lose much from his sacrifices on the whole; where it counts (when, for instance, the journal is on the line), Mabel takes the hit. Several of Dipper’s wants over the course of Season 1 had to do with his crush on Wendy, a doomed affair regardless of what he did. In “The Time-Traveler’s Pig,” for instance, he went back in time and took away Robbie’s opportunity to ask Wendy out, childishly attempting to spare himself the pain of seeing them together. Not only would this hardly have prevented Robbie from asking her out in the future, it left the root difficulty unaltered–namely that, given the chance to go out with a boy her own age, Wendy would do it. Dipper blames circumstances and timing because it’s less painful than acknowledging that Wendy wants to date someone else. (That Wendy has her freedom is a lesson Dipper is slow to learn; he grasps it in “Boyz Crazy,” around the time Mabel is learning a similar lesson about the clueless boy band she’s hiding in the Shack.) It’s an impulsive, band-aid solution and one that can hardly help Dipper in the long run, whereas Mabel will be deeply affected by the loss of her pig, a complication Dipper caused himself when his denial made him meddle with the timeline. His sacrifice on this occasion is simply a decision to let things unfold as they did to begin with. He watches the girl he likes go out with another person and suffers some pain because of it; that’s part of growing up.

Mabel is a little spoiled, but there’s no evidence that she can “afford” to forget what she’s learned in a way that Dipper can’t; she suffers for her flaws as he does, particularly when her need for control lands her in the prison bubble.

D) Mabel seems to depend on the positivity of others to make her feel she is doing the right thing, instead of learning it objectively and maturely like other characters.

That’s a character flaw, and it’s addressed head-on in “The Last Mabelcorn”–Mabel is overly-reliant on outside affirmation and reassurance. She has a very real anxious streak and wants (as seen in “The Love God”) to make the people around her happy; she’d do well to learn that it’s impossible to please everyone, but so would a lot of preteens.

E) Mabel is responsible for opening the portal in the end which causes Weirdmageddon. People should have confronted her about this, at least mildly and without anger, but nobody did. And Dipper should have been angry with Mabel about this, but he somehow wasn’t. The theory says this is because Dipper had an emotional attachment to Mabel that was destructive & unhealthy for both of them, which is why he didn’t confront her and continued caring for her more than himself.

In fact, Dipper never found out (onscreen, at least) about Mabel’s encounter with Blendin Blandin and the subsequent opening of the portal. But even if he had, I don’t tend to think that he would have been angry, nor that he should have been.

Mabel didn’t knowingly cause the apocalypse. In an incredibly vulnerable moment, when she was at her absolute lowest, she was tricked by Bill Cipher, who had taken hold of someone she trusted. She was completely unaware of the significance of the rift–she had never seen it before, and Ford had forbidden Dipper from telling her anything about it. She had not been warned about Bill’s endgame and was unconscious of any impending apocalypse save the immediate vision of her world crumbling before her eyes. As far as she could see, she was trading a worthless item of Dipper’s for something she desperately wanted: security. What’s familiar about this? It’s exactly the situation Dipper found himself in during “Sock Opera.” He was so desperate to fight time, so frightened of losing everything, so powerless against the clock (“Tick-tock, kid!”) that when Bill seemed to be asking him for one of Mabel’s sock puppets in exchange for what he wanted, he took the bait, inadvertently handing over something far more valuable. No one confronted Dipper about this because no one needed to; the events of the episode were lesson enough.

Should Mabel have been smarter about the whole thing? Perhaps. But keep in mind that Dipper, in a similar situation, knew he was talking to Bill. He made the deal in the full knowledge that he was shaking the hand of a fundamentally untrustworthy creature. Mabel believed that she was speaking to a friend. I don’t see any reason why Dipper should have been angry at Mabel for being tricked by a force which had not only tricked him also, but which had even played their great-uncle Ford, a highly intelligent adult and the person he admires most, for a sucker--particularly considering that Mabel acted out of a desperate fear of losing him.

The reviewer also points out how it would have been much better if Dipper and Mabel had developed by “finding their own hobbies, clubs, and friend groups while still living together and staying just close enough to remain best loving friends but not be dependent on each other to be mentally and emotionally stable” instead of the way their relationship existed in the show.

According to Alex Hirsch, the twins are in fact more independent under ordinary circumstances, when they’re at home; the unfamiliarity of a new situation pulls them closer together. But even in Gravity Falls, the two are consistently depicted as living distinct and individual lives, with their own separate hobbies and groups of friends. Mabel finds “her people” in young eccentrics Candy and Grenda, while Dipper gravitates toward the more advanced high-school social dynamic of Wendy and her crew. Mabel loves boy bands, stuffed animals and the 80s; Dipper’s steeped in paranormal research, mystery novels and fantasy RPGs. Their lives and interests intersect and conflict, but never overwhelm each other; in the end there’s room for Dipper’s ballpoint pens and Mabel’s crayons under the same pointed attic roof.

Dipper and Mabel won’t live with each other forever. They’ll grow up like any brother and sister, go to college, have lives of their own, get jobs, spouses, kids. But that’s exactly why the time they have is so important. They’re not ready to be adults yet. They still have a lot of growing up to do, and it’s right and natural for them to be able to rely on each other, to draw strength from each other, to support each other through this particularly turbulent phase of their lives, just as they’ve always done.

#Gravity Falls #Dipper Pines #Mabel Pines #Mystery Twins #meta #analysis #anonymous asks #animation #television #Alex Hirsch #Weirdmageddon #Sock Opera #The Time-Traveler's Pig #Boyz Crazy #The Love God #The Last Mabelcorn #Dipper and Mabel vs. the Future #long post #like really long

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inked-convulsion · 7 years

Text

Being an Asian nymphomaniac

There’s one thing I noticed about being raised with Asian values, but voluntarily taking up liberalism.

With liberalism (I may be utilizing this term wrongly in this context), everything and anything goes as long as it is not disruptive to society and/or other people. As Wikipedia defines it, “a philosophy or worldview founded on ideas of liberty and equality, supporting ideas and programmes such as freedom of speech, freedom of the press, freedom of religion, free markets, civil rights, gender equality, and international cooperation”. In other words, you do you as long as no one is hurt, and no peace is disrupted. Simple.

But with being Asian, a complex web of values are implemented. To be fair, my parents weren’t too keen on the extremities of Asian or Chinese values, but they did emphasize a few things. Filial piety being one of them - the definition of this term is lost to some, but it generally means being respectful to your parents/guardians in repayment of their efforts in raising and educating you. Conservatism is also one of the recurring themes - do not be too flashy, do not do or say anything that would attract attention. Also, sexual topics are generally taboo unless expressed in an extremely vague way in a tone that is meant to be taken as a rhetorical joke.

I discovered porn - and subsequently my sexuality - at the tender age of 8. We had a computer, and we had dial-up internet. At the time, I didn’t know about clearing your browser history, and I don’t think we had incognito mode at the time. I was confronted gently about my visits to these websites on the internet, and was invited for open conversation about these topics with any of my aunts if I had any questions.

At school, people were only beginning to meddle with puppy love and crushes. I would assume that no one - especially the girls - had developed and/or acknowledged their sexuality at that age, or even if they did, the taboo and controversy with raising and discussing a sexual topic kept their lips sealed. Keep in mind that we were still in primary school, the maximum age at that time being 12 years, and while I still played jump rope and passed notes in class and read the newest Harry Potter book, I indulged in my secret pleasure at home after school. People only knew that I knew what porn was, and some of the things involved - no more.

As I grew older and went to university, my horizons had expanded. I had sex for the first time, and I thought that would be the checkpoint that would end my desire for anything sexual - all this anticipation and masturbation, and now I’ve finally experienced it. So, logically, my thirst should be quenched… right?

Apparently not, and this discrepancy proved to be one of the biggest factors in why my first boyfriend and I fell apart. While I desperately wanted physical interaction, he was fine with just texting; and at one point, even texting was rare. In my frustration at him reprimanding me for sending him nudes, and in my own sexual frustration, my confusion led me to Omegle - naked but headless. I had no significant tattoos to identify my body then, but the guilt overwhelmed me so much that the next day, I fessed up and told him what I did. If there was any more affection left in that relationship at that point, I single-handedly crushed it, along with his trust in relationships.

University was a much more liberal place - sexual topics were discussed openly in hushed voices, and innuendos were abound. There was much less of people just walking away from you if you accidentally cross the line into uncharted territory (for them). I’ve had a friend say she had serious culture shock when she was doing an assignment with me for the first time, how I so openly and candidly discussed my sex life with another friend, and her boyfriend promptly warned her to not be influenced by me.

I’m not sure whether it was the feeling of liberation or just being desperately alone and sexually frustrated, I turned to Omegle again. I don’t know why I did what I did with that particular person, because it was always just getting off then going our separate ways, with the occasional chat. But this particular time, I was given an email address, and I gave mine. I shared a connection with this person that I never experienced before, and would probably never experience for the next few years with anyone. We somehow understood each other - how it felt to be a social outcast for thinking the way we did, how sex was a central part of our lives, and a mutual understanding to how fleeting life can be.

He had a girlfriend, so I was the third person of the relationship for a while. Looking back now I wouldn’t call it love, but it was indeed an emotional connection that surpassed all of my previous and limited future connections with guys. It was an unspoken mutual understanding, and we moved on. Friends and family called it just a man’s lust and the desire for some adventure. Perhaps it was, because our number of email dwindled as we continued on with our mutual lives, but I really doubt that lust itself is sufficient to make a man fly halfway across the world for a naive girl.

The next 3-4 years from there proved to be hell - for self esteem, and for my sexual identity. I went through one guy after another, each time convinced that perhaps something would blossom from there, but each time I was either just an easy girl or a temporary replacement for someone’s lost love. I think I maintained a naive outlook to love and relationships, but it was tinged with fear that my sexual needs would somehow manipulate my brain into thinking that what I felt for this person is more than just a carnal instinct to get myself off. At one point I was spending a lot of time with this group who had already plans to take turns with me after one of them took off the condom halfway and came in my mouth without warning - “she’s eager to please and doesn’t complain”. This one guy said he hated girls like me, who had no dignity and would sleep with anyone.

We ended up in a roller coaster of a relationship, one that warped my perception to everything, and has cemented a paranoia in me that I wished would just go away. Everything that he promised was flushed down the drain, and then I realized I was a project - to see if he could mold me into a trophy girlfriend and subsequently wife, giving him an ego-boosting label called “wild girl tamer”. His friends were impressed at how much less I swore and how much less ‘wild’ I was, when in fact I just didn’t want to be berated time and time again for being comfortable.

In this relationship, my desire for light bondage developed, perhaps because I felt like neither of us had control over anything, and I think by trying to give him “control” in the bedroom, I could regain control of some aspects of my life. It was not meant to be, as he preferred vanilla love-making, clashing with how I liked it. The sexual chemistry was just not there, and in his frustration that I wasn’t satisfied, the blame turned to how much of a slut I was, how I had easily let men touch me, giving away my value and dignity. And how my consensual one-time sexual encounters were so much more morally unacceptable than paying for a woman who sells sex, and so was sharing said woman with another guy.

As desperately as I tried, holding onto my sexuality wasn’t an option - I soon felt not only frustration, but shame at being so sexually needy. It was like being Snow Flower as Lily sang her Letter of Vituperation in Snow Flower and the Secret Fan - condemned to enjoying and desiring sex as a woman, while men were openly allowed to objectify and use women to his pleasure.

It became one of the many things that I was paranoid about. I may go out with a male friend, and even though my current SO encourages it, I still return anxious, walking on eggshells as I recounted my outing with said friend. I feel my cheeks burn with shame when I try to initiate something sexual, or even send a sexy text or a nude. It feels so slutty to constantly put yourself out there, even if it’s exclusively only to one person.

Since my first time, it has always been an imbalance where I would want it extremely frequently, but the guys just didn’t. While many guys talked about their fantasies about having a girlfriend who would want it all the time, somehow most of the guys I’ve committed to just didn’t want it so much. I also indirectly linked this lack of desire for my flesh to my self-esteem - I wasn’t attractive enough for them to desire me, so I’d act sluttier, much to their dismay and the complete opposite of their pleas for me to be more modest. And each session would leave me wanting more, because it was always vanilla, missionary, less than enthusiastic, and always was rushed.

So now I’m stuck between wanting to be a decent Asian girlfriend, and wanting to be the girlfriend who would pin their boyfriend down daily. It’s come to a point where I’d be scrolling through porn Tumblrs, then suddenly stopping myself and Googling why I have the sex drive that I have. It’s a daily conflict where the Asian in me wants to be a model daughter and girlfriend, while the liberal in me wants myself liberated of the guilt and pressure of not being said model daughter and girlfriend.

Well, at least now it’s just in my head.

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