#I just feel like I've been robbed of a satisfying ending

[missezramay]

ted lasso, post-finale thoughts.

I went into the finale thinking yeah, if the writing serves, I can accept any outcome even if it's not exactly what I want. Instead, I was hit with a plethora of mixed emotions I didn't expect to have. Confusion, anger, hurt, annoyance, small bursts of joy in between, and just deep sadness. Almost 20 hours later and I'm still incredibly dissatisfied and processing. For the most part, finales should provide a feeling of celebration and relief. I... don't feel any of that.

I'm just really trying to pinpoint why I'm so sad.

Of course everything inevitably has to come to an end. Of course Ted was always going to reunite with his kid. Of course it's not about winning or losing. Of course Tedbecca can remain platonic if that was always the plan. Of course that's the way life goes, but...

For a show (and this season particularly) that constantly encouraged us to 'believe' and 'hope' in the idea that 'everything will work out', all those 75 minutes did was take me on an unsettling, emotional journey for no concrete reason other than to mess with the audience (the opening scene was just adding salt in the Tedbecca wound I've had since S2). Because everything in a macro sense, "worked out". But the WAY it "worked out" does not sit well with me?? And it's supposed to? For a lot of people (on Reddit/Facebook, lol), it was enough?? Richmond not technically winning and Ted leaving like that without so much as a tear? What am I missing??

When I tell you I'm trying to embrace the good parts, I'm really trying. Yes to KBPR & the women's team, Yes to Colin kissing his fella, Yes to Rebecca & Mae & the guys owning the club, Yes to Roy becoming Manager.

So... why am I still so upset? Hmm, let's see.

The boys' musical number? The cutest. Ted didn't think so.

Nate's apology? Heartbreaking. Ted didn't bat an eyelash.

Rebecca begging twice for Ted to stay? Ted, absolute silence.

Beard staying/getting married in London to his toxic gf? Comic relief, haha, fine. Except Ted wasn't there as Best Man.

Don't even get me started on the huge disservice to the Roy/Keeley/Jamie triangle.

Now listen, I get that he misses Henry & Henry misses his dad. I'm not that cold. A father/son's love is important. It was always the catalyst for this show; for him to work on himself so he can be a better father unlike the one he grew up with. That's fine.

But on this particular week. His last week with his Richmond family. There was NO sense of him being sad to leave them. He can be sad about missing Henry but he can ALSO be sad about leaving. No, he just completely checked out. He let everyone pour out their hearts (Hannah's getting her third Emmy, mark my words) to him, and he just stone-faced the entire time.

THIS DOES NOT MAKE ANY SENSE TO ME.

The argument is that he was internally processing, he was overwhelmed, he was trying to distance himself so it would hurt less. Fair points, okay. But this is a television show, moreover, A FINALE. TV characters, while relatable, are heightened versions of ourselves, there so we can better process our emotions and learn to handle things better in our real lives. Ted deserved MORE dialogue and displaying MORE emotion than whatever this was.

We're never going to see him again. We're over here crying along with Rebecca, Nate & Beard, but he didn't sob once. Even though he spent three years building a family with them. I even thought, hey at least he left his legacy with Trent's book but newsflash, he wanted his name taken off that too! Complete erasure.

I just feel so robbed of better moments. Like there were nice moments here and there. But they could've been BETTER. Honestly, Nate & Rebecca's breakdowns were close to perfection, so much love there. But the lack of dialogue and Ted not reciprocating? Broke ME.

I just cannot. understand. this. choice.

Massive sigh. I'm just truly baffled by the way everything wrapped up and not getting the satisfied feeling that one half of the viewership got. Maybe I'm in the minority, but that means something. It carries weight. Also, for a "three-season arc" that was planned well in advance, why all the rewrites and parallels and fakeouts... it's just cruel. But as the theme says (and maybe this was a warning all along), yeah, I guess this might well be it.

This show has given us so much and the last season flailed for the most part. I don't want to disrespect the show by being negative and cynical (looks like I failed!!) or cast blame on anyone in particular. The cast/crew are amazing people and I'll be grateful for being a part of the journey but I'm just so sad and this feeling sucks and I will never get over it.

Going to miss them. x

#ted lasso #spoilers #thoughts #finale #text post #tedbecca #roykeeley #jason sudeikis #hannah waddingham

[reirrei]

the chase is over. ᝰ.ᐟ

HACKER!SHU YAMINO x CRIMINAL!READER ──★ ˙ ̟🐇 !!

INFO: you've been playing a game of chase with an infamous hacker who goes by Shu. He's finally caught up to you, after years. What will you do?

WARNINGS: major character death, angst no comfort, descriptions of blood, suicide ; no use of y/n

A/N: i wrote this at 12 am on a school night with a french test tomorrow so this is probably rlly shit spare me

English isn't my first language - so excuse any grammatical mistakes and bare with me here (╥_╥)

words:

𝐒𝐇𝐔 𝐘𝐀𝐌𝐈𝐍𝐎 ✦ !

Who would've thought things would end like this?

Roughly 3 years ago, while simply robbing a small shop just down the road, you met face to face with an infamous hacker. You managed to slip out of his grasp then, but he had made it his mission to catch you with all his might - though you were a difficult one to deal with. You always ran away somehow, and it was like a never ending cycle.

Or so you thought.

He'd come close to catching you, and you'd slip away right as he's about to get you. You'd come close to finding out where he lives and boom it's actually a random garage. It was like a cat and mouse game. Over. And over. And over again.

A never-ending game.

Until it ended.

There you two were face to face with the man that has been hunting you for 3 consecutive years. You both standing on a rooftop, you stand near the edge of the rooftop, while he stands firmly in the middle. You have nowhere else to go. He finally caught you. He should feel proud, and satisfied, right? That's what he thought too.

"Looks like I lost" you smile, turning back to him.

"..don't say that." Shu mumbles, as his purple eyes interlocked with yours.

you smile.

he frowns.

"When are they arriving? The police, I mean." you chuckle bitterly, facing the man that you've been dreading to kill, but now that he's in front of you, you feel something else entirely.

Shu frowns, silent.

"Oh come on, don't tell me you didn't call the police, you must have." You knew he did.

"..are you really okay with this?" he mumble.

"No, not really. I wish our game went on for longer." You smile, dryly. "I had fun you know? Despite everything, the game was the highlight of my days"

"..it was mine too" he admits, his head low.

"you know, I never saw you close up" You turn to look at him, closely. His eyes reflected the midnight blue skies behind you. His purple eyes stare back at you, and the wind is softly blowing his hair around. He was charming, quite more than you had remembered.

"you're pretty." You breathe out, as you observe his flushed face.

"I- what. Uh.. you're. You're pretty too.." He finally mutters, his voice shaking as he avoids your piercing gaze. It wasn't a lie, no, in fact, he thought you were drop-dead gorgeous when he first saw you years ago. Ever more gorgeous now, his gaze is fixated on your figure.

"I take it you're not very happy. Why is that? Aren't you happy to finally be catching me after all that time? I must've been a pain in your ass, I apologize." You softly chuckle, though tears were threatening to spill at that point.

"..no. No not really. I- Thank you. Thank you for just..being you. It was really fun." He sighs as he comes to the realization of his own feelings. He thought it was just the adrenaline during those chases, but it was butterflies.

"whoop, there they come." You laugh, your eyes peering down at the police cars and sirens heading your way.

"I'm sorry." To your surprise, you look back, to see Shu with tears running down his eyes.

"Wh- no don't be sorry! I knew this day would come anyway." You quickly waved his tears off.

"I've grown to really like you over all that time Shu." You spoke again, this time, approaching him softly. As you stood near him, your hand brought his face to look at you in the eye, but tears were blinding his sight.

You sigh, using your thumb to wipe away some of his tears. "I'm sorry for everything I've done, maybe in another universe, we could've been friends, or more." you smile softly at him as his eyes widen in the realization of your next actions.

You quickly pulled him in for a hug, tightly, as Shu very quickly returned the favor. He hugs you back while sobbing on your shoulder, his weight falls on you.

"I'm so sorry." He mumbles through his tears.

"Don't be. I'm just glad we got to meet each other" You laugh softly, as the police come closer with each passing second. "In another universe, yeah?"

He nods.

"Good good, I'm sorry for this." You spoke lightly, softly tearing yourself away from the hug as the noises from the sirens and police yelling got louder by the minute. Shu's eyes widen in shock as he realizes your intentions now.

"no wait-!" He calls out to you, his legs just had to be so numb that he couldn't move. His breathing got rapidly faster as he saw you going closer and closer to the edge of the building.

one step.

another.

"thank you for being with me Shu! Our time together was short but the best I could ever ask for." You exclaim from the edge of the building.

Shu's ears were ringing, and everything in his body urged him to run at you.

"I love you." Your last words were uttered, and you finally let your body fall back.

in another universe, we'd be inseparable. But not this one.

#nijisanji #nijisanji en #shu x reader #shu yamino #luxiem #luxiem x reader #shu #shu yamino x reader

[achelouise]

Together, forevermore

Fandom: Honkai Star Rail

Pairing: (Yan?)Blade x fem!reader

Warnings: Pretty dark, (at least its the most dark thing I've written so far DONT JUDGe me), blade is not nice here, non-con but no sex

Summary: Someone visits you on your deathbed.

A/N: ...... i may be on a slight toxic writing streak......... I WILL BRING SOMETHING ELSE FLUFF ENJOYERS I PROMISE

imma be honest i dont know if this is considered as yandere but i will tag it as such just in case

Your bones are weary. Wrinkles are prominent on your face, and your hair has completely faded to white.

You savor it all. The way time robs you of your youth, the way you bend to its will, morph yourself into a fragile being that couldn’t continue her adventure on the Express. The way you laugh when you spill a cup, when eons ago you would charge towards the enemy with your spear in hand.

You were satisfied with yourself. You have lived, breathed, and entertained yourself before the curtain fell. You have made friends, enemies, lovers, and experienced the joy and suffering of life. The galaxy is your sky, and the worlds you travel to is your home.

Well- perhaps just one lover. It felt like many, though. You could never forget him, but he is just a hazy memory in your old brain.

To think, a former Cloud Knight soldier would live and breathe without mara- truly, a wonderful end to a blazing life like yours.Granted, you weren’t from the Xianzhou- but to be on the battlefield is to sign up a guaranteed death by Abudance.

Even as the Crew parts, their memories and cherished ambitions lay dormant in your heart- beating weakly, slowly, and closer to eternal rest.

You loved this life, and you hated to see it go. Perhaps this is the wisdom Jingliu was desperate for- to understand mortality, and to understand an end to a life well spent.

You feel your fear of death grasping your chest as you heave, drinking in every breath. Unparalleled joy also envelops you; ah, the precious catalyst life holds for this body. Even as you have withered away, this body still yearns for a little bit of life, still squeezes every last drop, a complete opposite of the mara-stricken soldiers tethering between sanity and mania.

Beautiful. How beautiful this life could be.

You could only wish for the others to feel the same. You hope March understands the beauty of fragile mortality, and Dan Heng’s rest during his rebirth.

Even then, human will never dies. You and the trailblazer have entrusted yours to the Cosmodyssey, greeting the future generation of trailblazers from the distant past. Only this way, would you be immortalized, encapsulated in a beautiful dream.

A soft creak of the door alerts you. You smile, even as you struggle to inhale enough air to speak. “... Can’t you leave an old lady… to her death bed?”

Your voice is grating and unpleasant, but you cherish it all the same.

The visitor doesn’t speak. They walk in slowly, carrying a glass of water. At least, it looks like it- oh, you can’t blame yourself for not recognizing anything with such poor eyesight.

Probably one of the nurses that are hell bent on keeping you alive. You don’t really like them, you never have. Ever since you resigned yourself to an elderly shelter on your home planet, where you could meet even more friends before your end, the nurses have been instructed to keep you alive for as long as possible. Probably because if you do, you can attend more interviews, review more biographies about you and the Legends of Akivilli.

You can’t muster up the strength to retort any more, though. The nurse doesn’t really speak, either. They have a comically large mask on, one that shields their whole face, with only eyes piercing back. You don’t recognize them. Eugh, poor eyesight.

The monitor begins to beat feverishly. You are quite parched, though. No harm in quenching your thirst one last time before you kick the bucket.

As you reach for the glass, memories flash before your eyes. Your mother cradling you, your father holding you tight, your celebration with your friends as you pass your finals, your first arrival on the Xianzhou, your first kiss, your promise for a future with him, your losses, your despair, your fears-

And-

The Express. Your true home, the fondation which you rediscovered yourself and rebuilt yourself on. A place where you will never part, not even in death.

The warmth you felt for it, and the warmth it returned to you will never be forgotten.

You heave as you gulp down the drink. “Thank… you.”

You close your eyes.

Farewell, everyone.

You feel so light. You can properly feel your hands again. The backache is gone, stripped away, and you marvel at the skin that seems to reweave itself- granting you your youth, your past, prime shape. So the afterlife is merciful, after all.

You open your eyes. The birds near the windowsill are still chirping. Nothing has changed.

Wait.

What?

You feel your body reconstructing itself, your bones rearranging and your senses returning. Your eyes grow sharp and your face feels soft. The scars on your arms grow rapidly smaller, and smaller, until they are gone before you can blink. Uneasiness crawls in your chest.

And all the while, strange, delicate branches curl around your limbs, a soft green glow imitating the blessing of-

No. No no no no no no no no no.

No.

NO.

You find your strength to speak properly again. Your voice is lighter, easier to speak with, a voice or a bygone past, and it only nausates you as you grip your blanket. “What did you do?”

You turn to look at the nurse properly, as they finally start to make a sound- a soft, unsettling chuckle, one hand removing their mask.

The cruel smirk dances on Blade’s lips as he gestures to the glass cup in your hand.

Only now do you see the Emenator of Abundances’ blood swimming in the clear water you were so desperate for, only moments ago. You feel light-headed. You feel sick to the core.

You drop the cup, and it shatters on the floor- your skin feels cold, and your brain is spinning. You’re hyper-aware of how the liquid seeping out still flashes with the curse of Abundance, how the birds are screeching, and how Blade is cackling.

You heave, your breaths growing shorter by the moment. You watch as Blade reaches for your face- and if you flinch, he pretends to not notice.

No. You were close. You were so close.

“Why?” you cry, the first tears finally dripping down your cheeks. Blade’s bandaged hands wipe them away, and his dry lips press on them- as if savoring them.

“Did you honestly think you could escape me?” Blade reprimands softly, his empty eyes shining with disgusting, sickening adoration. “You promised you would stay, for as long as you could, for me.”

“You disgusting, wretched beast.” You lament, curling in further of yourself. The effects of the mara have started to settle; your muscles pound hard with fresh life breathed into your body, your bones gritting far worse than when you were of old age, and your mind starting to delude your sight. “I had forgotten you. I had lived, unlike you.”

“Promises are not to be broken.” Blade responds coldly, gripping your chin with sheer strength. You cry out as your skull cracks, only for it to mend itself, in perfect shape, the phantom pain lingering on your jaw. “I watched you blaze a trail for yourself. To me, your life was only moments worth of mine.”

“I married. I had children. They will remember me wedded to someone else.” you seethe.

Blade only chuckles mirthlessly at that. “Your attempts at deceiving me are truly pitiful. I know I was your first and last lover. I watched you fall apart in my absence. I watched your success. I watched how you withered away, and I envied you so, so much. Why couldn’t I feel that happy? Why couldn’t I feel that free?”

His hand ghosts over your neck, a silent warning if you dared to cry for help. Not that you would- you knew exactly what bringing his wrath would entail. Breaking your neck over, and over, and over again, to feel the pleasure of death like his master brought for him.

“I watched you pave a way for yourself. I hated you. I loved you. I don’t know how I feel anymore. Kafka has numbed everything away. But I chose to hold onto these feelings. Only you could give rise to new emotions after my rebirth. And you will be my partner. Together, we will be betrayers of death.”

You shake your head, and you wish so badly that all of this was a figment of your imagination. But it is real. You’ve seen enough soldiers fall prey to mara. You might have only succumbed to a dilated version, but it still tears away at your soul.

“Your playtime is over. Death will never reach you. Not even Nihility can bring you the peace you need. So stay with me.” He leans over, his breath ghosting over the shell of your ear. Your head pounds. Shapes and colors blend into a mess. Only Blade sits before you.

“Not that you have a choice.” He nips the bud of your ear, his voice soft and stifling. The stench of blood and rain clings onto his skin, and you succumb to the despair that fills your heart. “You will join the Stellaron Hunters. Kafka will help you, as she did with me.”

He leans back, and he smiles, deranged and devoid of sanity, living in his own world of pure delusion.

Sometimes, when you were dating, you wondered what he was before he was Blade. Would he still date you?

And even now, as he seals his promise with a kiss, you think. Would he condone any of this? How would he feel, knowing he has turned into a monster?

You close your eyes. You envision your friends and comrades, who all bear no burdens of eroding immortality, an apology on your tongue.

I’m sorry. I failed you all.

“Together, forevermore.”

#honkai star rail #hsr #hsr blade #hsr blade x reader #hsr blade x you #yan!blade #yandere #hsr x reader #hsr x female reader #blade x female reader

[penkura]

last forever [2/13]

Summary: Zoro only offered to marry you to keep you out of an arranged marriage with a man much older than you. You agreed with the caveat of ending it via annulment once you received word from your parents regarding the original engagement, despite your growing feelings for your close friend.

Pairing: Zoro x Fem!reader, mentioned Sanami later (like epilogue later so chill)

Warnings: Marriage of Convenience, Fake Marriage, referenced sex (waaaaaay later on), mutual pining, Zoro is bad at feelings but what's new there, eventual romance I promise, mention of past attempted assault (I'll warn in that chapter), creepy older dude later on

Note: Why yes I did write this after watching OPLA, why do you ask?

Of course, it just had to be a crazy clown that was your next opponent. You didn't fear clowns but you didn't like them terribly much either, so being up against Buggy the Clown and his crew of pirates was making this day worse for you.

First, Luffy had been snatched away by a freaking bird that he tried to catch and turn into food (how he expected to cook it, you had no idea). You and Zoro quickly followed after, not even stopping to properly pick up the men you found in the middle of the ocean who were calling for help. Even when they tried to rob you, the glares the two of you gave and the slight beating from Zoro, once they realized who he was, the three men you picked up took over the rowing and brought you to Orange Town.

Once you found him, Luffy had already been thrown into a cage by Buggy, Zoro making an attempt to dice the clown who only proved he was perfectly fine afterwards, stabbing Zoro instead.After practically jumping from the rooftop with him still in the cage, the girl gave the key up, before it was swallowed by a little dog. The mayor of the town appeared before you next and you asked for a place to treat Zoro's stab wound and where he could rest, Mayor Boodle taking you all to his house.

"I don't need you to treat it, I'll sleep it off."

Zoro nearly flinched at the glare you set on him, making him take his shirt off so you could see the wound better.

"Sleep it off, what a load of crock," Shaking your head, you threaded a needle and sterilized it with a match, "You know that's not how you heal from stab wounds, dummy."

As you started stitching the wound, Zoro watched you closely like he always did. You'd done this so many times at this point, having been terrified of giving him stitches at first, until the worst wound you'd seen him get. He wasn't anywhere near close to bleeding out from it, but after an hour of it still bleeding, you forced him back onto the hotel bed and started stitching him up, pushing away your fears and the tears that you felt welling up as you did so. When you had finished, Zoro was impressed and thanked you, making you smile before you burst into tears over the whole thing.

"What are you crying for?!"

"I…I've never…done that before!"

He'd never have guessed you hadn't done stitches before, but your work never tore, he took it upon himself to remove them when you said it was safe to do. He didn't want you to start crying again.

After that you stitched up any severe wounds he had, just as you were doing at that moment.

"Okay," you cut the thread and finally nodded once you were done, "Now you can sleep. Don't do anything to tear the stitches though."

"Fine."

You put your items away while Zoro laid down, telling him you were going to see if you could help get Luffy out of the cage and ask about this other girl if she was joining you all or not. Before you left, you gave him another glare.

"You better stay still and sleep."

"I will, trust me on that."

Satisfied, you finally left and Zoro smiled to himself before falling asleep.

Not so bad having her as a wife.

+!+

Your hope that you'd all get out of Orange Town without a fight was gone as you stood in front of Cabaji with your own sword drawn. You had told (yelled at) Zoro to go back to resting instead of bothering to fight this acrobat, turning it into an argument between the two of you.

Zoro believed he was completely fine and could fight, despite you noticing the small winces of pain every now and then. Still though, he wouldn't listen to you and attempted several times to move you out of the way so he could fight.

It angered you more than anything, and you finally turned around and glared at him, Zoro more so thinking it was almost cute rather than scary like you thought it'd be.

"Gosh, why the hell are you such a stubborn man?!"

"Says the equally stubborn woman!"

Luffy watched the two of you, amused at how you acted like you really were a married couple despite you saying it wasn't a real marriage. He was starting to not believe you.

Zoro, on the other hand, was getting more frustrated with you as you placed yourself between him and Cabaji, who watched you two in annoyance at the fact neither of you were fighting him, but were fighting each other.

Get a room geez.

"I don't need you fighting battles for me!"

"You're still injured, you oaf!" You screeched back at Zoro, not stopping an attack from the annoyed Cabaji in time. He threw a kick into your side, sending you towards a building. You only stopped and didn't fly right into the building thanks to Zoro moving quickly enough to stop you, grabbing you around the waist to keep you from hitting anything but him.

"You all right?" He was quiet, but the look on his face told you he was angry. At you or Cabaji, you weren't sure, but you nodded. You'd always felt his bandana made him look scarier when he was in battle, but the way he looked at you this time, despite the anger, was more like he was worried about you, maybe. Zoro would probably never admit such a thing to you if you asked.

You were in pain, hissing a slight bit when Zoro set you down. You figured it was just going to be some bruising, nothing to worry about, even though it hurt at that moment.

Zoro made sure you were safe, before standing back up and setting the harshest glare you'd seen from him yet on Cabaji.

"Don't you dare touch my wife again."

Never had you felt like someone was fighting for you or your honor before then. The fact Zoro willingly called you his wife, that stuck in your head on repeat while you watched him fight and defeat Cabaji, moving past your own pain to hurry over and protect him as he fell asleep again. Of course he'd claim he was healing no problem that was, but you still wanted him to be safe while Luffy defeated Buggy.

Luckily Luffy carried him off to your ship as the townspeople chased you off for a misunderstanding, and you could breathe easily to know you all were safe, the orange haired girl named Nami joining you temporarily.

After you checked Zoro's stitches and for any other wounds, you were surprised by Nami offering you to sit with her in the boat she'd stolen, so you didn't have to be alone with two boys. You took her up on it, and she pulled you close to whisper.

"Hey…Zoro called you his wife…is he legit?"

Your face turned bright red, having already forgotten that because of your quick escape from the town. He really had then, it wasn't just you hearing things.

Was that progress? Would things slowly change and develop for the two of you, could you live as a married pirate couple one day? Have kids even?

Were you getting ahead of yourself? Definitely, considering he'd only said it once and likely wasn't thinking, your assumption due to the possible pain he was still in, even though he would deny it instantly if you even started to ask.

"Umm, hello," Nami snapped her fingers in front of your face, making you shake your head and ask her to repeat what she said, "I asked if Zoro was being honest when he said you were his wife."

You blinked a few times, before finally smiling slightly. "Well…technically, yes, he's being honest."

Nami didn't let you go back to the boys the rest of your ride to the next island, demanding every detail despite you only knowing each other for a few hours.

It looked like you had a new best friend.

+!+

The events in Syrup Village led to your recruitment of a new member, Usopp, and being given the Going Merry as your first, real ship as a crew. You and Nami spent time learning how the ship worked, Usopp eventually joining you and telling stories that you may have known right off the bat weren't entirely truthful. You did enjoy them though, laughing through them during dinner that night alongside Luffy.

"Soooo," leaning over, you gave Usopp a grin, "Kaya huh? That was a nice little kiss there."

Nami burst into a laugh at how wide Usopp's eyes got, before he started stammering and trying to say something, you grinning even more and asking him what it was like to get a kiss.

"Never had one before so I wouldn't know."

"I…it…nice…it was nice…"

You and Nami started doting on Usopp over it, telling him how he could always write to Kaya and keep in touch that way. The romance talk flew over Luffy's head but he still talked about how nice Kaya was and how tough Kuro had been, while Zoro got more annoyed as it went on, eventually leaving the table after he finished his drink and stepping outside, which you did notice right away.

Downing the last of your own bit of wine, you excused yourself from your friends, heading to the deck and finding Zoro there, leaned against the railing with his eyes closed. Normally you'd assume he was sleeping, but since it'd only been about a minute and you knew he didn't sleep standing up (wouldn't have surprised you though), you knew he was still awake and would talk to you.

"Hey," you joined Zoro against the rail, making him look at you and nod slightly while you tilted your head, "What'd you leave for?"

"Tired."

"Why aren't you in bed then?"

"Who can sleep with all the laughing?"

"Oh please, you almost slept through a tornado once."

"Shut up."

You rolled your eyes but smiled, deciding to look out at sea and watch the waves that gently rocked the ship. You'd anchored for the night in the middle of the sea, Nami placing you on the first watch of the night since you said you weren't tired while most everyone else was. You didn't mind, it'd give you some alone time to watch the stars and think, to enjoy being by yourself as you so rarely got to do lately.

"Have you heard from your parents?"

Zoro's question made you shake your head, him sighing once you did. You'd not gotten a single letter from them, your carrier bird only bringing newspapers from home so you could keep up on how things were going that didn't involve your arranged marriage.

You wondered if they even got your first letter at all at this point.

"Not a thing…only newspapers from home.

"Mm."

"They've still got my picture in it as if I've been kidnapped."

"Maybe they didn't get your letter and the papers."

You shrugged, biting your lip. You wanted to say something about it, tell him you didn't want to do the annulment even if your parents wrote back that the arranged marriage was over, that they accepted your current marriage. You'd rather stay married to him, try a relationship before signing any papers, but you also knew that saying anything like that would likely cause Zoro to shut you out, or tell you how he didn't want to be in a relationship, he didn't want to be married whether he knew of your feelings or not.

He'd probably never return your feelings and you'd have wasted your time instead of just doing the annulment, or divorce if your six months passed without a letter.

But, maybe, you could just tell him how you felt right then, see what his thoughts were and go from there.

Maybe.

"Zoro, I–"

"I'm going to bed. Just let me know when you hear anything."

"O-Oh, yeah…sure."

Once he left, you sighed and sunk to the ground, wishing you hadn't been such a coward at the moment and asked him to stay so you could actually talk to Zoro about the situation between the two of you. Granted yes, things had moved quickly since you joined Luffy, but still. There were a few times you should have sat down and talked, but every time you wanted to, Zoro was doing something or sleeping. At this rate you figured you'd never get things settled with him.

"Hey, you good?" Usopp popped up beside you, throwing an arm around your shoulders while you just nodded, not saying a word. He didn't fully believe you, taking note of the slight sadness on your face, before he smiled. "Have I told you about the giant sea monster that attacked my village?"

"Don't think so."

"Oh it was a huge beast! At least forty, no fifty feet!"

The rest of your night was spent laughing at more of Usopp's stories on the deck, enjoying yourself and forgetting your worries for the time being.

Zoro had, however, turned back to go talk to you about your sham marriage before he went to bed. The two of you never properly spoke about it after leaving the town you'd married in, but he was sure that you had feelings for him from the way you acted at times. Overly concerned with his well being, you forcing him to rest in Orange Town, the glances you'd take every now and then too. Everything pointed to you having developed feelings for him, and Zoro didn't want that right now.

He didn't want distractions from his goals and didn't want you distracted from yours. He had to put a stop to your feelings then and there, even if all it ended up being was a pause on your end.

He didn't expect, though, for you to be laughing with Usopp when he made it back to the deck, choosing to watch you for a moment. You smiled and laughed again, shoving Usopp on the arm while he grinned and made a large gesture with his hands, likely an exaggeration in whatever story he was telling you. Zoro didn't know why he had such a tight feeling in his chest seeing this, but it was enough for him after a few minutes of neither of you noticing him. He turned around and returned to his hammock, trying to ignore the annoyance he felt when Usopp and Luffy came into the room, Usopp mentioning how fun you were to talk to.

I'm not jealous. Not at all.

#zoro x reader #roranoa zoro x reader #one piece x reader #reader insert #last forever #fem!reader

[captainjacklyn]

Making my first DOL post today..random game I got into, it's so easy to get invested.

So here is my PC, don't be fooled- that's a boy he just likes his hair long cause an someone told him it looked nice.

Kinda felt like giving him a small description, how he views most of the LIs and other characters, maybe him as a person idk this really feels like a shitpost. I only recommend the game if you aren't a minor and have a strong ass stomach cause I almost vomited the first time.

!!TW!! mentions of SA, blood, gore, violence, human experiments, death, abuse (both mentally and physically), psychopathic behavior, murder, mutation, stalking, if I missed any other triggers please inform me immediately so that I may fix my mistakes. If any of these topics make you uncomfortable, I advise you to please ignore this post and find something else more suitable. !!TW!!

Degrees of Lewdity :

APPEARANCE :

The slender young man slowly stares back at you and returns your greeting. "Oh..it's you." his name is Elias, he's a resident at the local orphanage, he won't talk back if you try anything. Just avoid taking off his gloves unless he allows it.

PROFILE/MAIN INFORMATION :

Species - human, any hybrid Occupation - student Affiliation - orphanage, oxford street school Age - 18 years old Height - 178 cm Birthday - 04th of April Gender - male (can morph his system into changing sexe so female too) Marital Status - Dating Sydney, Avery's side hoe Zodiac Sign - Aries Best Subject - English, History Interests - Cross dressing, sunbathing, napping, gardening, makeup

PERSONALITY :

Elias is an unfazed and blunt yet somewhat gentle young adult who quietly cares for others from afar. At first glance, many would think that he only speaks up when others wish to converse with him, even then his answers are short with little depth. Though it is stated that his confidence becomes much more evident once he gets comfortable, Elias can tease his peers and act playful. Furthermore, he will occasionally invite friends to spend some time with him. Whether it be taking a nap together, walking along the beach shore or reading in the library. He can crave company and has no shame in asking for someone's attention.

Not only so, but angering/provoking Elias is a feat itself, he usually avoids confrontation by walking away and even when things get out of hand, the young man will still struggle for the sake of running off. Though reaching a certain state of insanity, he looses all control of reason and will attack the offender without limit. This livid persona gives him an animalistic instinct to kill, relentlessly harming the individual(s) who previously caused his senses to go a-wire. The way he does this can get more gruesome depending on the previously inflicted physical or mental wounds on Elias, from forcing himself on them to tearing their skin open and eventually creating a gash deadly enough to give them a slow painful end. He stops at nothing until he's satisfied with how much suffering his abuser lives through.

InGameAU/Canon

Note - The statements above is largely different to how he canonically behaves. I have a knack for 'book accurate' vs 'show representation' and wanted a similar concept for my character.

In the game itself, Elias is much less of a victim and instead finds himself to be in constant control (I've been wary of any nonconsensual interactions, making a save before every choice that could lead to gr*pe or getting..y'know v*red). He is manipulative, defiant and easily angered. Belittling any passerby who leaves him a crude remark, regarding his more manipulative tendencies, this does result in him being a bit of a player.

One ↦ Robin can only have a specific percentage of confidence, preferably leaning towards a hundred but never fully. There is the excessive guilt-trip technique, Elias takes care of him from time to time and the moment Robin says something that could waver the white haired boy's sense of control he half scolds him by reminding Robin of everything he does just for him.

Two ↦ Sydney's purity = max level at all times. He doesn't want to deal with the possibility of having a bratty little *sshole follow him around everywhere for s*x. Especially not if the church proceeds to act up along with his corrupted state. The two of them are dating in game, Elias mainly uses him for protection at school, status wise at least. Due to Elias' line of work and desperate need to pay off Bailey, my PC cheats on Sydney practically everyday, having intercourse with multiple NPCs who offer a good price in exchange for his body as well as acting as Avery's sugar baby.

Despite this, he does care, I promise that he does. But his way of thinking would be similar to Alicent Hightower from House of The Dragon. He isn't narcissistic and has never once acted that way, however Elias is heavily twisted by loneliness abandonment issues go brr, anxiety and peer pressure (e.g robin getting punished for not paying his rent, Bailey possibly selling him off to the farm, etc..). This causes him to appear collected and normal at one moment and then unexpectedly go nuts.

BACKGROUND :

Elias' past follows most of the in-game's PC backstory, he was raised in the orphanage by Bailey and supposedly lived within that town his whole childhood. Another NPC who is only present in Elias' story is Monika, an older sister-like figure who was also raised in the orphanage but soon adopted and taken away. She is said to have learned to read rather quickly and many youngsters would come to her for stories, including Robin. Monika was especially close to Elias, treating him like he was a blood relative than just another inhabitant, their bond grew strong as years passed and her depart created a rather detrimental impact on Elias. Who closed in on himself and ceased to socialize, a partial root to his present conduct.

However, there is a darker side to his story. This would also explain the truth behind his gloved hands which he hates uncovering at all cost, as well as his existence alone. Elias wasn't conceived naturally, instead he was created inside an artificial womb manufactured by a non-governmental laboratory which was currently exploring the nature of hybrids (e.g beings such as the Black Wolf or Great Hawk). A group of scientist took a step further, planning a project which was yet to be approved by their employer, and decided to combine several varieties of animal DNA along with human ones. Their goal was to revolutionize the science of genetic research. Unfortunately, the team was found out and reported to their boss, who visioned Elias' birth as a horrific mistake exhibiting complete disrespect to the laws of nature. The people who had fabricated the unnatural child were instantly discarded from further company work.

Up until that point, the infant mainly looked human and acted as such. So the executive ordered for the toddler to be dropped off at an orphanage and forgotten.

TRIVIA/BONUS FACTS :

Elias is rather fashionable, he sometimes goes into the supermarket to try on a set of clothes before leaving without purchasing a single item. (the art is in the savings)

It is stated by several NPCs that he has a bad habit of staring, this is actually due to him daydreaming/spacing out whilst looking ahead unconsciously.

His favorite drink is lemonade and favorite dessert is lemon tart, anything that has to do with lemons is usually enjoyed by Elias.

When adapting to an environment, his hands are the first to metamorphose. They also connect to his emotions/primal instincts, circumstances like these are what drove Elias to hide them.

His screams sound like a mix of Caraxes and Syrax, his sounds are more guttural than actual cries.

CREDITS FOR PICREW :

#1; #2; #3; #4; #5; #6; #7; #8; #9

#degrees of lewdity #dol #dol pc #degrees of lewdity pc #degrees of lewdity oc

[jedusaur]

Recs: Clint/Bucky fics with 200-500 kudos

after going through the entire Clint/Bucky pairing tag on AO3, I did a recs post for my favorite fics with under 200 kudos (a range covering more than half of the works in the tag) and now I've decided to do one for fics with 200-500 kudos (another ~quarter of the tag). there are 36 pages of fic with more than 500 kudos, so I figure most people won't get to these on a casual binge.

What Spring Does With the Cherry Trees, by @bittercape (32k) Bucky moves into Clint's apartment building and starts working on figuring out what he likes. this one has that lovely chill vibe where they both kinda know where their relationship is heading and neither of them is in too much of a rush to get there, which is my absolute favorite kind of slow burn, and there's a lot of focus on reflection and healing and self-care and just hangin out being comfortable with each other <3

You Can Never Go Home Again, by @flawedamythyst (49k) Clint and Bucky get sent back in time to 1939, and Bucky slowly unlearns his internalized homophobia and realizes that the "just two straight buddies helping each other out" handjobs they've been exchanging are not actually straight. I did a literal double-take when I saw how few kudos this had, it is one of my favorite fics in this pairing and it has the single hottest first kiss I have ever read in my entire life

Delicate Tension, by @feedmecookiesnow (53k) beautiful, quiet, sweet, sexy road trip fic, with lots of pleasant imagery in Bucky's photography and a satisfying slow-ish burn that resolves about halfway through so there's some nice early relationship navigation too. the tags are accurate but don't really convey the vibe of it, the trauma stuff is fairly low-key and the general feel is uplifting. also, the choice of tattoo on Clint's ass is INSPIRED, just an absolute *chef's kiss* bit of characterization there

Days That Used To Last A Lifetime, by @there-must-be-a-lock (10k) in which Clint is a dog walker and Bucky is a shameless flirt and both of them are a hot mess and do a lot of recreational drugs and end up murmuring secrets to strangers at ass o'clock in the morning in someone else's apartment

Sequestered, by @lizabethl (38k) in which Clint and Bucky are separately sent off to the same beach house for a much-needed vacation, then hop back on duty just long enough to temporarily acquire a child. deals with some tough stuff but it's mostly about healing and connection and growth

Hydra's Bite, by @flawedamythyst (118k) Buffy AU with a long piney slow burn and great found-family vibes. Clint is the Xander who rescues Bucky from a nest of hydras, Natasha is the Slayer, Coulson is kind of the Giles except undead, Jarvis is the ghost butler, Bruce has a demon living in him, and Tony inherited leadership of the Watchers' Council from his dad. also there's a running joke about all the demons Clint has fucked XD

quickly dream away the time; and then the moon, by @cloud--atlas (16k) Clint is housesitting Tony Stark's mansion in the Hamptons when Lucky gets through a hole in the hedge and makes friends with the hot rich neighbor

Gonna Be My Girl?, by @mightymightygnomepriest (46k) Clint and Bucky hook up while Clint is dressed up as a schoolgirl for Halloween, then they both make some assumptions they shouldn't be making and Clint keeps fucking Bucky in girl mode only. I'm not generally a fan of this kind of miscommunication-based plot, but this one really worked for me

The Middle of the Story, by @lissadiane (13k) look. I know you're gonna read the tag "Clint is literally a unicorn" and immediately want to roll your eyes and close the tab. I know. just... *takes you by the shoulders and looks intensely into your eyes* just trust me, okay

Personal Security (Let's Go Steal Ourselves a Remix), by @supervillainny (8k) Clint develops an inconvenient crush on the head of security at the art gallery he and Nat are about to rob

Boris the Soviet Love Hammer, by @bittercape (11k) the title/tags/summary make this one sound way crackier than it is, it's just a fun get-together fic with a few shenanigans. the part where they're fighting bad guys and Steve goes "Hawkeye, NO" and Clint is just like :D "Hawkeye yes" :D made me laugh very very hard

Universal Constant, by @mariana-oconnor (16k) Clint gets knocked into another dimension where Bucky is a stripper, bangs him, then finds that dimension's Clint and bangs both of them together. A+ no notes

how do you want me, by @feathers-and-cigarettes and @sevdrag (6k) deliciously twisted hookup-turned-attempted-murder-turned-back-to-hookup

All Bark, All Bite, by @hawksonfire (6k) he was a werewolf, he was a vampire, can I make it any more obvious

#recs #fic #marvel #winterhawk #clint barton #bucky barnes #fandom #text

[frazzledsoul]

So I've been writing and deleting this over and over for the past few days. I didn't want to upset anybody or come off too strongly but I kept thinking and thinking about it, and I needed to get it off my chest or I'd just keep obsessing over it. I guess it's something I still feel strongly about.

The idea that an original content creator should have any influence or input over whether one continues to create or consume fanworks is borderline offensive to me. The idea that one should consider that person's intentions or should refrain from continuing the story in our own way if it upsets the creator's sensibilities is really, really offensive to me. As a practical matter, they cannot look at our work (creators are encouraged if not legally compelled to stay away for plagiarism reasons) and as long as we are not making a profit off of it and are not breaking any laws, we are free to continue the story in any way that we wish. This is why AO3 exists, because there is a long history of capricious creators targeting fans for fanworks. The site is there to protect us because it is not the creator's sphere. It is ours. We do not need their permission to create and they do not need ours. We don't need to respect or even like the creator to continue the story and we certainly don't need to like the story itself. In fact, most fanworks come into being because we hated at least part of it, and wanted to try to make something better.

When it comes to the matter of Amy Sherman Palladino, we certainly do not need to respect her value system, to the extent that she has one. I decided a long time ago that I won't let that woman have any power over any enjoyment I got out of her work or the ways in which I sought better means of writing or enjoying the way other people write her story. I do not believe what she believes.

The story is over, and for the most part fans haven't like most of what she's written since 2006, and yet they keep begging and pleasing for her to come back and write an ending that they'll sure will make them happy. The series ended with a positive future for almost everyone involved and fans said it wasn't good enough. Fans asked for years for her to come back and write the real ending, because only Amy can write an ending that satisfies us. We'll respect anything you give us, Amy. Then we got AYITL and almost everyone hates it. She took away the youth and promise of almost all the characters and robbed them if the futures we wanted for them and undercut the premise of her series with that ending. And yet fans still beg and plead for more. Surely when she writes the second revival, she'll finally give us what we want! We'll respect anything you give us, Amy! It's a destructive cycle that never ends.

This woman has done more than enough damage to these characters over the years. She does not need to write for them again. We certainly don't need her permission to want better futures for them, or to only imagine those futures because it's what she wanted. She doesn't want them to be happy, and she doesn't want the fans to be happy. Her intentions should not ever be something that HAS to control the ways in which we retell her story.

As to why I rejected that woman's value system, it's because the show often felt like it was cribbed from my life before it was written, and once I did find comfort in the values I thought it expressed. I thought it was a story that valued compassion, integrity, loyalty hard work, sacrifice, and general human decency. By the end of season six, it was made clear that ASP found most of those things deeply embarrassing if not downright ludicrous. Her universe was proved to be full of moral rot: the only thing she valued at that point was narcissism, money, and emotional destruction. By the end of that season, Lorelai and Rory used the values that the men in their life held dear against them because it made them feel vindicated in hurting them. Luke dared to prioritize someone other than Lorelai and Lorelai used his loyalty and devotion to his family against him, knowing it would cripple him to know she chose Christopher, but choosing to do so anyway because Christopher would never, ever prioritize his daughters over her. Rory used both Jess and Logan's love for her in order to try to use one against the other: she knew that trampled over Jess's boundaries and beliefs in doing so, and yet she attempted it anyway. And ASP defended this as a moral good because Logan deserved to be hurt! (Rory expresses zero remorse about trying to hurt HIM). At least Rory felt bad about it and acknowledged Jess's worth as a person in doing wrong, but the morality of her actions never comes into play. And as for Lorelai? I would love for her to be one of those flawed characters who actually accepts responsibility for her actions, but she almost never is that person when ASP is writing her. The most important lesson ASP had to convey is that nothing in the world matters as much as what makes Lorelai Gilmore feel better, and the people that she hurts certainly never matter as much as her feelings do.

And apart from all that bullshit, I can't help remembering that Lorelai and Rory rejected the decent, dependable, loyal men in the story for the rich, charming Lotharios with a recent history of betraying them. That rejection may have been necessary in Jess's case (because Milo didn't want to participate in this charade anymore), but it does seem that ASP was arguing that Luke and Jess and all of their goodness didn't mean as much as money and charm. They were never, ever going to be good enough. And you know what? Lorelai and Rory hurt the people they chose, too. I feel ASP is as immune to the consequences of that as she was the the overall classist message she was sending here. Money and charm are to overrule all. Well, what if they don't?

So, yeah. I reject that belief system and the way she told me that everything I hold sacred in the world is essentially meaningless and not worth honoring. I've spent a lot of time in my adult life living out the consequences of the emotional destruction that Lorelai and Rory wrought so easily and in Lorelai's case, without shame or remorse (I don't think ASP would have ever let her apologize for what she did). I've spent a very, very long time cleaning up the mess that gets left behind. So no. I do not respect the message that this kind of shit is in any way justifiable.

So any attempt I make in my piddling fanfiction career, or all the shit I write on this hellsite, or even the stories I seek out, always is going to be a repudiation of the story as it was originally told. I am not interested in that story and I have zero interest in letting its implications control the one I prefer.

Gilmore Girls is not a comfort show for me. However, its fanworks are. It is important to me that they are not the same thing.

#wow i haven't yelled about asp like this in years #anyway just my opinion #gilmore girls #meta #i think even in media one has a goid relationship with the spheres shoukd akways be seperate

[earlgraytay]

So I sat with my feelings about The Northern Caves after my liveblog ended for a bit. After a hot second, I realized that I did feel like the ending was satisfying after all... but only once I started interpreting it in a fannish context. And my first exposure to fandom was the most delightfully cringy form of 2011-era ~yaoi~.

It feels incredibly invasive to put a BoyXBoyLemonsDLDR Reading onto the work of someone in my social circle, especially because I don't know his orientation and he's talked about feeling weird about people reading things into his work. But I also haven't seen anyone else bring it up yet and it feels... a lot more satisfying to me when I look at it through this lens?

So, like, slash goggles on... and Rob, if you're reading this, I'm so sorry.

Paul and Aaron are nigh-textually compared to Chen and Salby. The mad visionary and the interpreter of those visions; the one who Sees and the one who Makes Palatable. They're kindred spirits. They See what the others can only barely comprehend. They feel the whole crushing weight of the world and the ways in which it is BadWrong.

Kelsey jokes, right after Paul and Aaron kiss, that this is yaoi! And yaoi means "no climax, no point, no meaning". And in the context of TNC as a whole-- the story about The Northern Caves and what our cast finds there-- yeah! Their tryst is meaningless, has nothing to do with Chesscourt or Selby or Mundum or THE WHOLE BLEAK ENDLESS WORLD.

...but what if it's yaoi that saved Aaron?

what if that tryst was the thing that snapped Aaron out of it, stopped him from spreading more of the infohazard, brought him back from Selby's Hell World?

I assumed, the entire time I was reading TNC, that Aaron was Doomed By The Narrative. He's the protagonist of a story that, on some level, is cosmic horror. He's the protagonist, and he's not the narrator. This guy has a target on his back from chapter one. and when you get into the Selby/Chen parallels? oh boy, Paul has a target on his back too.

The Way Things Ought To Be, in any cosmic horror story I've read before this, is that Aaron kills a bunch of people and then dies, and that Paul relates what happened shortly before committing suicide. especially if we look at the parallel with Selby and Chen. like, my god.

if we look at queer love- queer desire- through the lens of it being defined by Wrongness. of it being Not The Way Things Ought To Be. then Aaron deciding to kiss Paul "before the end", deciding to go against all that is Right in the sublunar world, and act on his desires?

kiss a boy, in the fucking year of 2004. kiss a boy, in front of a guy like Marsh, and in front of an adult authority who's been more than willing to turn a blind eye. kiss a boy, in defiance of all that is Right and Good in the world. it's a brave, stupid, pointless thing to do.

...and it works.

Aaron doesn't wind up talking the rest of the group into a mass suicide. Aaron doesn't wind up killing himself, or spreading the infohazard further, or even "just" converting to Selbianism. He steps back from the fandom and tells everyone he's okay.

He walks away from this as unscathed as any of the Spelunkers could hope to be. Despite being the instigator, the one who looked deepest into the Caves, the one who suffered most and the one who caused the most suffering.

He walks away. Because he deliberately fucked up the Obverse Face and walked away from THE WHOLE BLEAK ENDLESS WORLD. He deliberately made the world Less "Right", acted on his own desires... and snapped out of the madness, enough to recover long-term.

... If Paul had kissed Jenny, would it have done the same for him? we know that the yaoi didn't; he comes out of this a devout Selbian, still with bouts of bright sharp madness, still aware of THE WHOLE BLEAK ENDLESS WORLD and his duty to Fix It. but Paul is not into Aaron, and most likely not gay. he didn't act on his own desire, he was just acted upon. He was moved out of place, but he didn't choose to move.

Maybe hetero desire would have saved Paul. It's hinted that it might have; Mundum doesn't seem to "like" people having simple pleasures. But in this reading, it was The Power Of Gay Desire that saved Aaron, and stopped the horrors he might have wrought on the rest of the cast.

No climax, no point, no meaning… in a world where Meaning wants you eaten alive and your bones spat out in a nice, pretty pattern.

OBVIOUSLY THIS IS NOT THE DEFINITIVE READING OF THE NORTHERN CAVES BY ANY STRETCH; I'm not even sure if this is something that was intentional on the author's part. (I think it was, but I could be very, very wrong about that.)

But once I looked at The Northern Caves with my slash goggles on... Well, some things clicked for me, and made the story as a whole feel more satisfying than it did before I sat down and thought about it that way. And I haven't seen anyone else share this reading (though, admittedly, I haven't looked very hard).

So, yeah, that's my fudanshi take on the whole deal. take it or leave it.

#the northern caves #rob you may not want to look #meta #tnc meta

[avelera]

Hi hi it's given sanctuary anon again I've been busy with life and I come back to 3!! New chapters?? I feel so spoiled. I haven't entirely caught up yet but im just about tearing up over dreams talk with Lucienne. I have a soft spot for "Character realizes they've hurt those they care about, feels horrible about it, and tries to do better" and you write it so well! I read a lot of hob/dream fics so of course they are the focus, but theres so much to explore with Lucienne too! She probably bears the brunt of dreams moods and she still stands by him with nearly love and loyalty, (though it was so satisfying to see her actually be upset with him in the show) it's very mirrored to hobs situation i feel?

Aaah, my favorite Anon is back!! :D :D :D

It's funny, I was talking with my amazing beta @thornfield13713 a little about Dream's growth arc in the story. "Giving Sanctuary" really is about giving Dream an alternate redemption/growth arc from the canon storyline of "getting captured and tortured and forced to face his own flaws against the backdrop of losing everything" which sort of hampers his realization and growth because he's so wrapped up in rebuilding his realm and getting his tools back that the fact he's decided to change and be better towards people like Lucienne and Hob is sort of one change of many that's happening.

Because yes, as you say, Lucienne absolutely is a saint for bearing the brunt of Dream's acerbickness over the years.

(Cut for some "Giving Sanctuary" behind the scenes rambling)

Giving Sanctuary also bears at its heart the thesis that Dream's cruelty and callousness had strong roots in the loss of Orpheus. He could be spiteful and full of rage before that, as a capricious god, but the being who is exhausted of this world, contemplating ending his existence, and delights at the prospect of making Hob hate living as much as he does with the curse of immortality is a result of Orpheus's death. And thus, what breaks that shell and allows him to see what he has become is Hob reaching out a hand and commiserating with him over this shared pain.

And I admit, I agonize a bit over whether Dream is changing too quickly, but there is a Doylist element of "Maybe, but this is self-indulgent so he'll change as quickly as I damn well please, so long as I've earned it within the story" and a Watsonian "Well, the events of the show take place over a similarly short time so far, and Dream is super distracted from his own growth post-fishbowl with all the other stressful events. Maybe he would be apologizing, checking himself, trying to do better and be better with those who love him sooner if he had the space and will to do so."

Furthermore, GS takes place so far in very private, interior spaces, where Dream is, for the most part, only ever dealing with the few people who love him most and who most respect his privacy, and all of these interactions are happening in the kind of solitude Dream would want and need to begin to tentatively work towards making these overtures of improvement. Hob won't laugh at Dream for trying to be better with him, neither will Lucienne, and while Death might tease, she at least can pull rank if Dream gets bitchy about his pride with her.

But Dream of the Endless, Morpheus, the Lord of the Dreams and King of Nightmares is still there. We just don't see him as much in GS because we mostly see him through Hob's eyes and around those he's most motivated to make amends to, like Lucienne. But, in theory, if an enemy crossed his path, if a dream or nightmare challenged him, if a stranger mocked him for going soft, we would see just how much the Dream everyone knew is still very much there. He's only decided to be better with those closest to him. The tragedy of Dream's depression up to the point of GS is that it robbed him of even interacting with those who care for him in a positive manner, like Hob and Lucienne.

And at risk of spoilers, I will say that Dream (and Hob) still has a ways to go. We're going to see some emotional beats besides Dream and Hob being sweet and perfect to each other all the time, very soon. Doesn't mean they're not good for each other. Just means they're still human (sort of) and not all progress is made at once.

Lucienne is perfect, though. That's of course a given ;)

#1689 fic #sandman meta #dreamling #lucienne

[7grandmel]

Todays rip: 08/12/2023

Imperial Touwer

Season 3 Featured on: SiIvaGunner's Highest Quality Rips Volume A

Ripped by - ̗̀Dead Line ̖́- (@deadlinesmb)

Man, I was shocked to realize that for all the Sonic Forces rips I've covered so far (Fighting for the Dreams ~ Space Port Collab and OtH Was Robbed, to name just two), I had been sitting idly on one of my favorites - Imperial Touwer! That's right, despite my relative unfamiliarity with the Touhou series, there are a small few little things from it that I've become aware of through osmosis - one of those being the sheer, unbelievable popularity of Bad Apple!!.

Back when I wrote Beautiful! ~ Curveball of Sean Kingston, I tried to explain the sort of distant allure that the Touhou series has had for me through all my years of being aware of it. Though it feels nigh impenetrable and generally exists outside of my sphere of interests, there is still something there that draws me in: mainly, its immensely unique soundscape, all thanks to ZUN's compositions. And few of those songs have stuck with me as much as Bad Apple!!, which appears to be the franchise's biggest anthem of them all (81 million views on one of its remixes?? that's insane!!). And though I've heard it rendered and remixed in many ways, it was Dead Line's Imperial Touwer that would eventually become my go-to way of relistening to it.

Dead Line's a name I've talked about before on here as well, with Medley Rush #7 - out of the entire core team at SiIvaGunner, few rippers feel as immediately distinguishable in their style and tastes as them. They're not a jack-of-all-trades or attempting to master every craft under the sun: rather, they know and adore their specific interests in music and games, and represent them with as much passion as possible with every rip. Though Imperial Touwer is a really simple mashup, its specifically using the aforementioned remixed version of it, which gives it a heavier EDM instrumental that slots perfectly in with the soundscape of Sonic Forces' Avatar tracks. In general, its an immensely satisfying listening experience hopping between the vocals of the two tracks in the moments where each one would otherwise be purely instrumental. Due to the two tracks having such a similar sound already, it ends up feeling less like a mashup and more like an expanded rearrangement, a way to make both themes sound even more impactful through working together.

As someone with too much emotional attachment to Sonic Forces' music, as Dead Line appears to have as well, it's always so impressive to hear what SiIva's rippers are able to do with the game - especially when it involves exposing me to music I was otherwise blindingly unaware of. I fucking love Imperial Touwer, both for showing me just how good the two tracks featured are individually, but for demonstrating the true potency of a no-nonsense mashup by someone passionate about their craft.

#todays siivagunner #season 3 #siivagunner #siiva #Dead Line #Youtube #sonic forces #sonic #sonic the hedgehog #sonic frontiers #touhou #touhou music #bad apple #touhou project #zun

[jinxquickfoot]

Just saw that you saw Dr Strange 2, thoughts? 👀

It took me a long time to put my thoughts together on this movie. I've never had such conflicting feelings about a Marvel property. 

To start positively, there was so much I enjoyed about this movie. The performances were stunning, the score was epic, and I really loved that they let Sam Raimi do his thing to the point where I wished they'd given it an R rating and let him Sam Raimi even harder. I did enjoy villain!Wanda, and I thought this film had some of the most original and creative fight scenes in the MCU so far, especially the music note scene. I was also impressed that they followed up the "Dormammu, I've come to bargain" ending of the first one with another creative solve from Stephen that showed character growth as opposed to a more straightforward fight scene as the third act closer.

But at the end of the day, I don't think this movie ever had a chance of escaping the truth that it was written to be one story, and then was reshot to be another. Because this story was worked out in reshoots and editing, and not on the page, we ended up with a lot of clunky exposition and convenient plot moments, and moments that were right for the structure or character arcs but didn't feel earned.

Some examples of that exposition include the memory lane scene, which I think is one of the worst 'here is the character backstory' ideas I've seen. Even having America and Stephen just talk to each other without the visuals would have felt more natural. Another offender was the "You never told me her name, did you?" line from Wanda, which is so cliche and overused that I physically rolled my eyes in the cinema. Another offender was Stephen giving us a rundown of how Mordo is his enemy when we've only seen this in one post-credits scene from years ago, and also just awful lines like America saying "You're my friend and you're killing me!" in the opening scene. Like yes...we can see he's doing that, you don't need to tell us.

And then there were the unearned moments. As much fun as I had watching the Scarlet Witch obliterate everyone, having a first act where we were shown Wanda being corrupted by the Darkhold instead of just being told it happened off-screen would have gone a long way. Even the premise itself is very clunky - there were plenty of options for Wanda that didn't include killing America, or traveling to a universe where her boys were orphans, and it was very odd that being with Vision as well wasn't part of her plan if she had (what seemed to be) infinite universes to choose from. The entire scene with Sinister Strange, with discussing Stephen's dead sister, and the falling dreams, and him killing other Stranges from other universes felt like it was a reveal scene from an entirely different movie. (Which, how cool and creepy would it have been for Stephen to have kept finding dead versions of himself that looked like they had been killed by Wanda, only to discover that it was another version of him who was the true enemy.)

Even the ending, which felt like the correct place for all the characters to end up in, didn't quite work. America came into her powers so quickly that it felt rushed. This movie wasn't even two hours long, they definitely could have added in more Stephen and America time to make this payoff between them really resonate. And, my least favorite part of the movie - Wanda's 'death' was so lazy. Either commit to it and show us a body, or show us her being alive in a post-credits scene. This felt so much like "We don't know what we want to do with her next, so we're going to leave it as open-ended as we can", and (for me at least) that robbed her sacrifice of any real meaning, as did Stephen's lack of comeuppance. He committed similar acts to Wanda (in terms of using the Darkhold) and giving him a third eye post-credits wasn't a satisfying payoff for that. It made the movie feel like it fizzled out instead of having an emotional resonance. And lastly - I wasn't expecting a ton of cameos in this movie, and I think it worked fine with the ones it had, but there were missed opportunities. The part where America and Stephen travel through all the universes in a row could have featured Lokis or more references to the comics or to What If. They could have included Ned learning magic during the final scene, esp. as a Ned and Wong show has been mentioned. After seeing No Way Home, which took so much love and care in its references and callbacks, the lack of those in MoM really highlighted that this movie wasn't as well-thought-out as it had the potential to be.

Overall, I think future Marvel properties are going to affect how I view this film as a whole. I'm really hoping Wanda isn't dead, that she'll show up in Agatha: House of Harkness or another property, and that the third Doctor Strange movie will give some much-needed context to scenes in the second one.

#doctor strange #doctor strange spoilers #mom #mom spoilers #multiverse of madness #multiverse of madness spoilers #marvel

[butwhatifidothis]

hey so, having just spent the last hour and a half pausing multiple times while reading this analysis + rewrite to savor it like a hearty fucking meal, i'd now like to give my compliments to the chef.

firstly: the analysis. i admittedly have a lot of difficulty seeing the forest for the trees sometimes bc i get so wrapped up in the details that i don’t know how to wrap it all back around, so getting to see it all laid out into a cohesive package was immensely satisfying, thank.

secondly: i've always held the opinion that three houses gave claude the short end of the stick but this rewrite makes me feel nothing less than robbed at what we might have had. and to work within the limited chapters and plot elements the game gives us, my god! (i'll be honest, i'm deeply curious as to what you would have done given free reign of the entire script.) there's so many points i wish had been elaborated/shown off more in-game that you directly addressed here that i don’t even know where to begin, so just imagine me sitting here mentally shouting "yes…… YES" because that's more or less what happened. i think i straight up hollered at the merceus reveal (god bless you, marianne)

god just… if i had the ability to do it justice, i'd write a fic retelling the entirety of WC + VW with this rewrite as the basis. thank you.

!!! Thank you so much!!

I'm glad that it was easy to read, given the length of it lmao - I tried to keep things as organized as I could while writing it. Glad it worked out lol!

And that's basically my feelings regarding Claude as a whole lmao; there's clearly a lot to work with with his character, since it has a solid enough foundation to build off of with his personality, actions, ideals, morals, and all that good stuff. The game just, uh, barely used any of it for some reason. I mainly wanted to show that even if VW stayed a copy + paste of SS regarding its general story, that didn't mean that it had to shaft Claude from having a story catered to his character- and I’m happy to see its reception be pretty good, all things considered! :)

If I were given more free reign over the game, I’d give any sort of possibility for the three countries to keep their independence. The game likes to act like unification is the only way for Fodlan to find peace, while forgetting that TWS sowed the seeds of discord while Fodlan was unified, and then later again once Fodlan was made up of Adrestia, Faerghus, and Leicester. They’re, like, either the direct root cause or an otherwise major factor of anything this bad happening in Fodlan - there’s nearly a 300 year gap of nothing of note happening between the countries, between the Crescent Moon War and the events that happen in the game, and those events all only happen because of TWS. So I’d like to better represent that possibility for peace either way: meet certain conditions and the countries keep their independence, fail them and there’s no other choice but unification. That if nothing else would be the biggest foundational change I’d give 3H - though not just for VW, but for AM and SS too since unification literally isn’t the goal for those routes lmao. Feel it would’ve hit harder if CF was the only route where unification was the only endgame option, given it’s a main motive for its lord unlike the other three routes lol

And 😭😭😭 thank you again for the kind words!! 💞💞💞

#ask #this was so nice to see thank you so much!!! #it'd hard to say what i'd do with a full reign of the script regarding VW specifically tho lmao #so as much as I don't like them that much I do appreciate having guidelines to keep on focused on the point of the rewrite #that being Claude's character #but that free reign decision I mention is imo definitely the most noticeable of any I'd make lol

[riot-in-bloom]

live laugh love tregear (just make tregear do whatever the fuck he wants to do tbh)

ah, a brave one. i did end up overthinking this prompt with a bit of perfume research and watching a particular scene in skyfall (the bond movie), but at the end of the day, unsettling hiroyuki is one of his favourite hobbies. while i do refer to him as tregear, he's in his kirisaki form here.

Humans, by all means, should be of trifle bother to Tregear. That had been true, until recently.

Kudo Hiroyuki taints his vision every time he closes his eyes, uttering despicable words of hope and bonds that only madden him more. As it seems, the Tri-Squad, as the ragtag crew of the Son of Taro and their friends had foolishly announced themselves, had chosen to borrow his body for a place to stay and fight Kaiju. Hiroyuki had, as a result, gained the nerve to talk back to opponents far stronger than him. But by bringing a human into such matters, if anything, they'd provided him for the perfect subject to his experiment of sorts. Plus, Hiroyuki having such a pretty face to crack, to fracture with despair, is only the cherry on top. 

Hiroyuki's probably — no, definitely — heading home, about to turn left on the bridge that Tregear currently waits on. Those from the Land of Light always have a different aura to them, one he's able to spot from miles away, even in his human form, as he is now. Normally, the pesky Son of Taro follows Hiroyuki around as a duckling would its mother, which renders Hiroyuki’s location starkly tangible. The aura of the Light is instead fuzzy right now, remnants of what an Ultraman could rub off on a human after prolonged exposure. How intriguing, indeed, for the Son of Taro and his buddies to not be present.

He's right two minutes later, as he expected to be. The only thing more satisfying than his accuracy is the steely glint failing to surface amongst the sea of fear in Hiroyuki's black-coffee eyes.

“Tregear…”

“Kudo Hiroyuki. Where are your manners? Should you not be saying hi?”

It takes two seconds to flutter his fingers into a wave. In response, Hiroyuki steps back gingerly with his left foot — he's limping, judging on how quick he is to shift his weight onto said foot as soon as he's done.

“Why are you here?”

The world vanishes from Tregear’s senses for a bit, before coming through to him again, this time from behind Hiroyuki instead of ahead. It’s funny, how consistently humans hate feeling like prey; this one, for instance, stiffens almost immediately upon Tregear’s breath falling onto his back, and more so when Tregear’s hands reach out to grab at his chest. It feels firm when Tregear touches it — he’s kept in good shape, which would make sense given his physically demanding job —  and the fabric above is most certainly cotton, albeit of the unsoftened variety. 

There’s obviously no need to partake in such prodding. But Hiroyuki’s being careful with his breathing now, seemingly taking shallow ones that hitch after several mental checks of his safety every few seconds, and that has an element of fun to it.

"To see you, of course. It has been a while since I've seen you at this time of night."

Hiroyuki stays stunned while Tregear allows himself to let his hands roam some more, not once putting up a struggle. How responsible; he's apparently kept the policies of his workplace manual in mind — more specifically, in the event of him getting robbed. Flipping through that had been an immense bore, showcasing more examples of humans setting chains of rules over trivial matters. Regardless, he takes his time prodding and pinching the chest muscles, for no one dares to come here late at night.

As with many other circumstances of meeting, Hiroyuki's skin is evidently freshly washed, and Tregear can feel the humidity off of his hair. Usually, however, this would bring some particular flavours human noses seem to be fond of: more specifically, the scents of bergamot, lavender, and a smidge of thyme. The air in between them is devoid of these scents at the moment, instead bestowing him with citron and some musk, in a ratio that's strangely familiar. Just where does he know this from?

A memory of a few months ago — before he'd even met Hiroyuki — surfaces itself. Ah yes. Stony ruins had surrounded him as he'd stepped into the building, examining his handiwork of a being close to death. An easily won battle shortly after, with another being who'd stayed virtually unscathed but angered regardless, had left a sour taste to the sweetness of his chocolate at the time, as had the dust to his nose. There had been guns, if he recollects correctly, along with some part of time where the warmth of the being’s arm radiated onto his. 

“Want some?”

“Screw off!”

He’d seen that being again a few times after, but never alone. No, every subsequent time, he was accompanied by Hiroyuki.

Oh, dear. The limp, the scent, the lack of the Tri-Squad on his person today; the implications of such are rather fascinating, indeed, if it’s to follow any kind of human logic.

“Playing with fire, aren’t you? You’re daring to indulge in things you’ve broken."

He disappears, gracing Hiroyuki's vision with himself again while walking towards him, topped off with wide eyes and a raised tone perfectly fabricated to be accusatory.

"Quite intimately, it seems. You never learn.”

“What do you mean?!”

Tregear drops all expressions as he holds his face inches away from Hiroyuki’s. He’s not meaning to do what Hiroyuki would most likely assume is about to happen, no. Instead, he inhales deeply, showily exhaling for emphasis before backing off.

Hiroyuki’s face warps into a multitude of emotions: shock, anger, sadness that brings water to his eyes, along with the undeniable twitches of denial his face tends to make. The timeless conclusion comes through, once more: humans are so easy to lace with guilt.

“I don't think I need to say. You already know, don’t you?”

It’s now that he finally decides to turn his back to Hiroyuki, hands neatly in place behind his back while walking the rest of the length of the bridge, letting the contemptible aura of light fall behind. The despair he’s missing out on must surely be delectable, given the frantic huffs that are audible even from here, but nothing of the exquisite variety that he seeks.

“I’ll be sure to have a fun game set up for you next time, Kudo Hiroyuki.”

#fanfic #ultraman taiga #ultraman tregear #kirisaki (taiga) #kudo hiroyuki #if anyone is asking this is taking place at the bridge in fourze that gentaro jumps off of in the first episode

[viscountessevie]

I was turned off from the hype of Brigerton early on (idk I wasn't feeling it) but I've been seeing gif sets of Kate and Anthony and I'm kind of obsessed. Would I need to watch season 1 for me to get it or can i skip right into season 2 for the kathony canon content?

Ohmygod hello! I'm so flattered you regard my opinion highly enough to ask me about this! Honestly you're so valid and I'm SO happy that Kathony is drawing in people who were never interested in Bridgerton before S2 dropped. More under the cut because as always this got LONG: 

Okay so this is tricky and really depends what you're into as a romance fan? S1 is about Simon and Daphne and they are a fake dating trope which was really fun and wholesome to watch! S2 is of course Kate and Anthony and they are PEAK Enemies to Lovers and are very HOT. While the romances each season are stand alone - S1 does have a storyline for Anthony which acts as a prequel for his story in S2 I'll talk more about later in this post. 

Honestly as much as I adore Kathony but their season was all over the place as a cohesive story - at times it felt like I was watching two different shows because there was an annoying plotline that didn't connect to the main story and romance AT ALL. (Honestly I always skip their scenes on my rewatch feel free to do the same).

It was shit as an adaptation which is why I'm currently an S2 hater like I love the Kathony of it all but the rest of the season can get fucked - and its mainly because I'm a huge fan of their book. So I would recommend just watching S2 and then reading their book for more of their scenes together - for all her flaws Julia Quinn really FED US with the Kathony content. Also Kate's family is featured more and they are so wholesome! Kate even gets a fully fleshed out backstory (minor spoiler but we were robbed of that in the show) My friend did that and she said the book after watching S2 first felt like a comfort cos you got more scenes. Whereas a book reader, we felt robbed of a lot of pivotal book scenes.

If you have the time and are up for it, I would definitely recommend watching S1 because it was a solid adaptation of Book 1 and Anthony's arc in it is so compelling - yes he was a dick and everyone thought he was annoying af (not me though I've always loved my hot mentally ill eldest sibling clown) but really it's a shield to protect himself from his past trauma - no spoilers but it gets covered in S2! So to see his development from S1 to S2 is very satisfying if you want the whole picture.

Simon and Daphne are cute until their main conflict which was pretty fucked up and going to try to keep it vague but spoilers for S1EP6 at timestamps 47:15 to 49:40 there's a sex scene that turns into an assault at 48:50 and it just soured the rest of the series for me because the perpetrator never atones for their actions. If that's a trigger for you I would suggest just skip that scene all together and come up with a conflict of your own for the couple lmao.

Other than the SA, it was a pretty solid first season, a good introduction to the main family and characters and a cohesive story, the side plots actually worked and the main characters were actually connected to most of them so it didn't feel as disconnected.

Storytelling aspect aside, I will say Kathony is the superior couple just because Simone Ashley and Jonathan Bailey have INSANE CHEMISTRY and that's what you're seeing in the gifs so I'm not surprised you're hooked! And honestly ignoring the issues I had with the season itself, all their scenes are HOT and amazing and I love these two fucked up clowns in love so much.

Do let me know if you end up watching it and what you think of the show! Honestly if you would just prefer reading, then I recommend just reading the books only (Kathony's book is Book 2 named The Viscount Who Loved Me) I wouldn't bother with the show (it's slowly becoming my new PJO movies/ATLA live action)

#Bridgerton #kathony #kate sharma #anthony bridgerton #Bridgerton S1 #Bridgerton S2 #Bridgerton Asks

[justmybookthots]

18 Dec 2023

I read a bunch of books for the past few weeks and I mostly disliked them so I'm just going to make this wrap-up as quick and painless as possible.

Six Crimson Cranes

Honestly? The writing isn't half-bad. The premise and storyline was a whole lot of fun, and I adored most of it. The saving grace / highlight of this entire story? Raikama. This woman made me cry. Yes, I actually ended up shedding some tears for her at the end of the story. I loved her character tremendously, and I just… felt she deserved the world.

I only WISHED the rest of the main cast was as interesting. I'm furious that Seryu isn't the male lead. We were fucking robbed, y'all. He is a gazillion times more interesting than Takaan. Oh Gawd. The romance is the worst romance I've ever read. I don't buy anything here. I don't care. 

Unfortunately, Raikama wasn't enough to save the story for me. If I don't care about the leads, then I don't care about the book. While I don't follow this rule for thrillers, books of that genre are the only exception to that rule. It's that simple. 

Silence of the Lambs

It's funny because this book is the total opposite. I was extremely fascinated by Hannibal and I thought he was the highlight of the story. However, I didn't care for the rest of the thriller. I'm not the biggest fan of books—in fact, I hate it—where the killer's identity is revealed at the start. I don't mean Hannibal, by the way; I'm talking about Buffalo Bill. That's what the majority of the plot circles around. It sucks out all the tension for me, and I need to say that even for a police procedural, this was a very dry, very tedious read. There was just too much detail on extraneous parts of the book. 

Okay, it wasn't entirely extraneous, but it might as well have been. I didn't need chapter after chapter of the police people doing police things in excruciating detail before finding out something mildly important. I have read A LOT of police procedural thrillers, and this is by far the worst. Most of it just involves you sitting there waiting for the main leads to connect the dots that you... already know.

City of Glass

I finally read this! I preferred City of Ashes, but it wasn't a bad book. I think out of everything in this wrap-up, I liked this book the best. After watching the paint dry with Silence of the Lambs, reading a storyline that actually gripped me and kept me turning the pages was MOST welcome.

I do think, though, that Sebastian was quite wasted of a character and he died too easily. But the twist with how Valentine broke through the city's wards was AWESOME. (And also the Hodge twist? *chef's kiss*)

In my opinion, the series should have ended here. I really am hesitant to continue with the rest of the Mortal Instruments series. I know the next three books go to shit, and I... do not know if I want to waste my time with the brain rot. This would have been quite satisfying as an ending, and we REALLY don't need any more existential drama from Jace.

(Also, I still think Simon is garbage and I wish he didn't exist.)

Juniper and Thorn

Ava Reid, you are my mortal enemy. YOU are the reason I'm in a slump right now.

I think a lot of people would like this book, and I don't blame them. The fantasy elements are beyond fascinating, and I think that the story is far superior to Six Crimson Cranes. I couldn't put the book down. I think the level of darkness is just enough for me—any more and it might feel too much. (I was actually expecting more.) The ending twist was pretty good, and I wished A Study in Drowning had produced some kind of twist in its conclusion too.

That said, the heroine is an idiot who does idiotic things, and if this wasn't fiction, she'd be pregnant, duped by a man and even more fucked over than she already was… which is saying something, given her familial circumstances. But because this is fiction (but a very unconvincing one), Sevas, the hero, is a decent man. I do not know why he liked her, I do not know why this romance had to happen, and I do not buy any of this charade with its insta-love and lack of chemistry. I still think Takaan and Shiori were a smidgen worse, but this is a close second. 

Marlinchen is the type of foolish, sheltered heroine you'd read in The Only One Left by Riley Sager, the one that makes horrible mistakes and meets a horrible end. I can stomach characters like that in thrillers, because it's not romanticised and you see the ugly reality for what it is. But in this story, it is completely romanticised, and I just… I don't want any part of it, and I'm annoyed that this is the aftertaste I'm left with after reading three unsatisfying books in (almost) a row.  

I'd hoped this could redeem the author after A Study in Drowning disappointed me, but I know better now. To the Blacklist you go, Miss Reid!

(Also… Ava, there is such a thing called 'female orgasms'. Feel free to Google this phenomenon, because I don't think you've ever known about their existence. We do not exist just for male pleasure. Just a heads-up!) 

#book blog #book review #ava reid #six crimson cranes #elizabeth lim #silence of the lambs #shadowhunters

[deafearsdiary]

A Love I don't Want to Lose

Earlier tonight, I was talking to someone about unconditional love. Actually, we were talking about cheating on the person you choose to spend your life with. Unconditional love just made its way into the conversation. Naturally, what we were speaking about made me think of you. I find it funny that I think of you like I'm expecting for this relationship between us to come about the way I fantasize it. It's sad really. I don't know why I do. But I think I do it because everyday I try to not want you. I try to not think about you day in and day out. To not let everything remind me of you. Because I don't want to hurt my own feelings when things don't go the way I want them to. So what I do is I try and look for things to get my brain to understand why we aren't together. Why we wouldn't work.

You see, everything about you might be good for me, at least the things that I've experienced to make me fall in love with you are. I could write a list but for time's sake (and because I'm really tired), we'll just condense it to everything about you. Except for one thing. That thing, is what I think might be what keeps us apart. You see, I want to be the only one for you. But that's not how you roll. I don't know the reason why you entertain so many females at once, but I don't want a life like that. I want a life being happy with my spouse. I know you want to be happy too, who doesn't? But maybe your happiness and my happiness look different. The way that I am, I want to basically be the center of someone's world. I don't want to just be at the top of the list. I don't even want a list to exist. And I think that men that have lived their lives with a list, can never burn the list and just focus on one girl. I'm not faulting you for wanting more than one, I know that's how y'all are made, but not all of y'all.

I want so badly for you to surprise me. I want so badly for me to be the person that changes you, that makes you want to be different. And better. And I know that God can do anything. But it'd be naive of me to pray for that sort of thing. To pray that you'd change, and sign your heart to me. I bet it would feel so good to be the only one getting loved unconditionally by you. But I know that's not how you are. Maybe you just like options. Or the feeling it gives you to be loved by multiple women at once. Or you like getting women to fall in love with you because you're so good at it. But I can't be one of those women. I have to choose my sanity and happiness. I can't feel like I'm losing you again. And I can't feel like I don't matter. Because that's how it feels when I'm just a name on a list. I feel expendable. Unimportant. Unloved. Small. Ugly. Especially when I love so hard and deeply. I put my all into it. I don't want to feel insignificant in the end. For me to feel like the thing that you told me that made me so happy, and smile for weeks meant nothing. Because you probably said it to seven other girls. And they felt exactly what I felt. It's not genuine, or original. It just feels offensive.

I'm sorry that I'm this way, but it's just how I am. Maybe it's because I'm the youngest sibling so I never really had much of my own. Everything was a hand-me-down, or taken from me. I had to share almost everything, and even when I had crushes they'd prefer my sisters over me. I just want my significant other to be for me. I don't want their love to come with all these conditions. I don't want to have to get you to understand that when you love others like you love me, it just makes me feel like I've been stolen from. Robbed of my most prized possession, and you gave the OK. I want you to see my worth. Be satisfied with my love and companionship, and not feel like it's not enough.

And for me to feel like this, and want this, I shouldn't want to do that to anyone else. I can't be hypocritical, I can't try and take what isn't mine. I'm going to do my best and back off. And when I have my moments of weakness, I'm going to remember how I want to be loved. I'm going to remember how badly I want your love to myself. And how I would never want a heart that I thought was in my possession to be taken by someone that wants to experience the love you give. I'm going to pray I get the love I want, and that the love I want wants me.

But I'm also going to keep hoping. Hoping that you're different from what I see. Hoping that you've changed. Hoping that you'll read these and rescue me. Hoping that the scenarios I come up with have some truth to them. Hoping that I'll get that huge romantic gesture that I so desperately want. Hoping that you'll put effort into me, and show me, and only me, the love that you claim is already imbedded in your heart.

#thoughts #diary #love #romantic