#I never cook

[paterday]

I should draw morepalmer and Roland… for science.

#I’m mmaking macaronis rn #I’m cooking #be proud of me #I never cook #but it turns out the reason why I have no energy ever #is probably because I only usually eat one (1) meal a day at most #and it turns out that’s not good for you’re body #so I’m trying this hip new thing called #eating two. maybe even three meals a day #and so far it’s going great #I have so much energy #insane. who would a thought #I hate cooking #but I love being alive.

[halinski]

And now my pancakes are cold

#i never cook #except today #my parents are gone and i somehow wredtled myself out of bed and gad chocolate chips #so i made some vegan pancakes from scratch #can you believe #ignore me

[inkskinned]

probably time for this story i guess but when i was a kid there was a summer that my brother was really into making smoothies and milkshakes. part of this was that we didn't have AC and couldn't afford to run fans all day so it was kind of important to get good at making Cool Down Concoctions.

we also had a patch of mint, and he had two impressionable little sisters who had the attitude of "fuck it, might as well."

at one point, for fun, this 16 year old boy with a dream in his eye and scientific fervor in heart just wanted to see how far one could push the idea of "vanilla mint smoothie". how much vanilla extract and how much mint can go into a blender before it truly is inedible.

the answer is 3 cups of vanilla extract, 1/2 cup milk alternative, and about 50 sprigs (not leaves, whole spring) of mint. add ice and the courage of a child. idk, it was summer and we were bored.

the word i would use to describe the feeling of drinking it would maybe be "violent" or perhaps, like. "triangular." my nose felt pristine. inhaling following the first sip was like trying to sculpt a new face. i was ensconced in a mesh of horror. it was something beyond taste. for years after, i assumed those commercials that said "this is how it feels to chew five gum" were referencing the exact experience of this singular viscous smoothie.

what's worse is that we knew our mother would hate that we wasted so much vanilla extract. so we had to make it worth it. we had to actually finish the drink. it wasn't "wasting" it if we actually drank it, right? we huddled around outside in the blistering sun, gagging and passing around a single green potion, shivering with disgust. each sip was transcendent, but in a sort of non-euclidean way. i think this is where i lost my binary gender. it eroded certain parts of me in an acidic gut ecology collapse.

here's the thing about love and trust: the next day my brother made a different shake, and i drank it without complaint. it's been like 15 years. he's now a genuinely skilled cook. sometimes one of the three of us will fuck up in the kitchen or find something horrible or make a terrible smoothie mistake and then we pass it to each other, single potion bottle, and we say try it it's delicious. it always smells disgusting. and then, cerimonious, we drink it together. because that's what family does.

#this is true #writeblr #warm up #relatedly for some reason one of our Favorite Jokes #amongst the Siblings #is like - ''this is so good u will love it'' #while we are reacting to something we OBVIOUSLY find viscerally disgusting #like we will be actively retching and be like ''nooooo it's so good'' #to the point that i sometimes get nervous if someone outside my family is like oh u should try it its good #(obvi we never force each other to eat anything. we are all just curious birds and #like. we're GONNA try the new thing.) #edit to answer why we had so much vanilla: #my mom is a very good cook and we LOVE to bake. so she just had a lot of staples in the house. #it's one of those things that's like. have u ever continuously thought ''ah i should get butter im probably out'' #even tho u are not out of butter. so u end up with like 5 years of butter. #my mom would do that in a costco but like with vanilla extract #to be fair we WERE always using WAY TOO MUCH bc we were kids #so like she was right to stock up #ps. yes we were VERY sick after this lol i just didn't want to include it in the post in case ppl had an ick about that #u can tell it's real bc we knew "oh no we fucked up that's too much vanilla to waste'' but our reaction was to just. keep drinking it #> sibling understanding that vanilla extract isn't free > knowledge mother doesnt mind if we use it for milkshakes #> sibling choice to maybe get in a loophole of ''not wasting it'' if we drink it bc that's the same as using it (not throwing it out) #listen bud i was like 13 and my sister was like 9 #when my mom discovered this we. got in. A LOT. of trouble. a lot of it. a LOT of it. #3rd edit bc i guess it isn't clear - i am 1 of my brother's 2 little sisters #i am the middle child #out of all the ways i have had to explain a post before being like ''did u forget a middle child can happen'' is my favorite

[bishy437]

he won

bonus:

#oi oi don’t steal my tags i see u 🫵 #svsss #mdzs #moshang #hualian #bingqiu #sqq u spoilt brat #binghe is def the best cook out of the three gongs i’m not saying this lightly #we know lwj can cook from the extras and i can only assume hc can cook bc the only thing he CANT do is write BUT: #xl enjoys cooking so ofc hc is gonna let him express himself culinarily #and wwx is a spice fanatic weirdo who wants to go live his m!lf dreams into the sunset #lwj will not get in the way of that #sqq however is perfectly content having bingmei cook his meals forever and never stepping into a kitchen #scum villian self saving system #scum villain #mo dao zu shi #tgcf #heaven official's blessing #wangxian #mine #luo binghe #shen qingqiu #wei wuxian #lan wangji #xie lian #hua cheng #shang qinghua #mobei jun

[pbaintthetb]

Ok I would stak £200 pounds on that everyone in my block is at least 21yrs old so WHY THE HELL did i just have to spend forty-five fucking minutes cleaning out the maggots from our kitchen because NODBOY EMPTIES THE FUCKING BINS

#i don't use this kitchen #like ever #i used it for the first time in a month today to eat ice cream #i never cook #i never throw anything in the bin #i barely go in it #vent #sorry i just can't

[that-one-weird-cloud0]

De-aged Danny wandering the street of Gotham as a five year old:

Batfam: hello child are you alright?

Danny: Yup! :D

Batfam: where are your parents buddy?

Danny: don’t need em. Tried to kill me

Batfam: *concerned* how about you come with us for a little while?

Danny: no thank you mister Batman, I don’t trust adults

Batfam: oh no

#dc x dp #dp x dc #dpxdc #dcxdp #I love de-aged danny #either with memories or without #cause like baby danny would be smarter than the average toddler #and say shit that so so strange coming from a high pitched squeaky toddler voice #why does this baby know what murder is? who taught him how to wield a knife? how does baby know how to reach stove to cook? #why did baby just beat my ass? how did he drop kick me? #the Batman may never know #danny phantom #danny fenton #dp x dc prompt #dp x dc crossover #batfam #dc x dp prompt

[glo-shroom]

yes & no by Natalie Wee | Trigun Ultimate Overhaul

#THIS HAS BEEN COOKING. FOR TWO MONTHS #trigun #vashwood #vash the stampede #nicholas d. wolfwood #vash #wolfwood #trigun maximum #mine #edit #trimax #trigun edit #tw suicide mention #for that one line #and #tw blood #hopefully there's nothing else I'm forgetting #long post #i guess #pls feel free to critique me on the alt texts I've never done it before and would love to know what I can do better #but uhhh yeah otherwise. enjoy my baby. I'm very proud of this #I do however need to not look at it for a while now #so aside from the IDs if there are mistakes. no there aren't <3 #AND THANKS TO MY QPP EEE FOR LISTENING TO ME ENDLESSLY WORK ON THIS AND OFFERING ME INPUT AND CRITIGUE!!! <3333 #god. it's finally done #edit: btw I could write so much on my choices in this and what I'm going for and little details. but I leave it to the masses to interpret

[egophiliac]

Wait, did you put a photo of Vil and Neige as kids in Eric’s office??

oh good, I was afraid that wasn't going to read properly and people would just be like "what is this supposed to be". :') but yeah! I like to think Eric was pretty fond of Neige as a kid! single dad sees orphan child approximately the same age as his own son and goes "hmm. okay, you guys are going to be friends now." (this did not go as well as he'd hoped.)

(also I do love how it's kind of a running joke that everyone loves Neige except for Vil, who's standing over in the corner and just seething with furious irrational hatred. someday maybe he'll find someone who doesn't think Neige is the best thing since cinnamon rolls.)

#art #twisted wonderland #vil: am i massively projecting my own hangups and insecurities onto someone who i would otherwise find only mildly annoying #vil: no it must be neige who is wrong #idk i just like neige a lot! he's sweet and i find him fascinating honestly #there's ONE offhanded comment about how oh yeah he's been orphaned since a young age and just never talks about it #he lives with a bunch of dwarves and cooks and cleans for them and this has been going on since he was like eight #like. hello?! #there's a whole backstory here that we're never going to get more than this single crumb of and frankly that makes it better #man if i had a nickel for every fandom about fairytale characters in high school #where i instantly fell in love with the snow white character #i'd have two nickels et cetera you know the rest

[morebird]

what do you mean I can't romance him??

#baldur's gate 3 #bg3 #bg3 fanart #rolan #bg3 rolan #i'm a bit late to the rolan party #but better late than never #I have some other bigger stuff that i'm cooking so here's a small snack

[swinging-stars-from-satellites]

“the point of kintsugi is to treat broken pieces and their repair as part of the history of an object”

David Mitchell // Hanif Abdurraqib // photo by @lakevida // @ashstfu // tiktok comment by @/muddafrigga // Miranda July // Pete Wentz // @jovialtorchlight // caption from Penny Reid [x]

#the amount I use to you unfinished in non-fob related web weaves should probably be embarrassing but isn't #it just.... yeah. please send my love to everyone above. that's it. #something something I've never gotten over anything in my life. idk #web weaving #Lu rambles #idk. just something about warm gold.... #like the lights of the kitchen in the only house that ever really felt like home when my parents were cooking and music played #punctuated by the clanking and sizzling of a meal being prepared in the early dark

[dappermouth]

i don't know what it is about your art that makes me so motivated. i think it's the way you depict wild animals in the most unassuming, americana settings. i've always felt as if i'm not fully meant to be here, some sort of detached - perks of being korean-american and southern - and looking at your art makes me feel seen.

looking at your art makes me feel at home, which is something i don't usually feel. if this makes any sense, it feels like i am the jaguar at the top of the staircase, the stag leaping rooftop to rooftop, the girl with the face of the wolf, that's me.

every time i'm scared that maybe i won't make it, i trot on over here and feel comforted.

i hope you have a great night (or morning, or afternoon, or whatever else it may be in your world), because after looking through your pieces, i know i sure am :)

What tremendously kind things to say — I genuinely used to fantasize that someday my art might make someone feel this way. Messages like this blow my mind. Thank you!

#jentalk #shoutout to the very nice asks recently #kinder by far than i could deserve #msgs you screenshot and stick in a folder to revisit when you fear you'll never cook again

[isjasz]

[Day 179]

Preening doodle it is so hard to draw actually I have no clue what I'm doin

#dddaily4sherin #desert duo #3rd life #3rd life smp #isdoodles #friend told me to draw preening and i realized i never tried drawing it HEAIDHELPW #also sorry for just doodling these past few days im gonna. not cook up insane pieces for a while probably to get things done o7 FJWKWJW #🫡

[inkskinned]

as we enter the start of a semester and the dreaded Hour of Making Friends us upon us... if ur ever at a loss for what to say in one of those weird social situations where you only vaguely-know people, one of my favorite questions to ask is "what is your favorite food crime." a food crime is like the food combination that you love that other people find revolting. press them to take it further than pineapple on pizza, that's rote. food crimes is a good topic that has many benefits as it turns out all people are degenerates and also it will give you some cool ideas to try out later in the privacy of your own degenerate kitchen

the other good thing to ask is "okay but has anyone here ever been someplace haunted" bc it turns out if you ask most people directly they don't believe in ghosts, but many people are like "oh yeah i lived in a haunted house. ghosts aren't real tho"

#my food crime is that i regularly make a “pasta and tuna” situation that has somehow gotten even more evil and degenerate over time. #it is a ''white wine reduction'' (it's just white wine and garlic powder & seasoning) #and tuna from a can. #and plain pasta. #if i have the spoons i will actually chop garlic for it but this tends to be my comfort food for a REALLY bad day #bc its super easy to make: #boil pasta. drain. put into bowl for later. into same pot u used for pasta. #put tuna (with oil/water from can). let fry a little for like 2-3 min. put in whatever amount of wine. season to taste. #the tuna will get a little crisp on it which is nice. important side note: #this began as a Bolognese sauce. #and one day i had to sub for tuna. i know. not ideal. i cried about it too. #somehow over time it is now its own little evil thing. i would never make someone else eat it. it is beautiful. #but yeah i don't even stir the pasta in afterwards i just slap pasta into serving bowl #slap this ''''''sauce'''''''' on top #molto bene #(i really can cook fairly well btw. this is a food crime. not a suggestion of skill or ability) #(i LOVE baking but when i cook for myself. the autism is obvious. bc i just don't understand the point of most of the steps) #(.... i can just eat the deli meat out of the bag. it is protein. i don't even have to like it. i just have to eat enough calories.) #(also i used to cook MUCH more before this apartment which is so small that i can stretch my arms out and overreach the counter length.) #(.... i'm 5.2. so.)

[lotus-pear]

i think you guys are onto smth..

i unironically got invested in this HELP

#WHERES THE FIC AT IF SOMEONE WRITES THIS I WILL PAY THEM A HUNDRED DOLLARS😭😭 #kunikida serving the country while dazai's serving cunt😔 #dazai was born to malewife but forced to manipulate and i think that's the greatest tragedy of bsd #anyway some facts i would like to share abt this au thay i came up w while drawing!! #takes place in 1939 (start of wwii) and there was a mandatory draft that required one male over eighteen from each house to serve #both of them are still twenty two and had been engaged for abt two years before getting married that year #newlyweds! unfortunately kuni had to go fight and they were seperated :( #before the war kunikida was a math teacher at the local high school and dazai obviously managed the household and didn't work #he's hopeless at cooking and meal prep even w recipie books so they either get those prepackaged meals or kuni makes dinner when he gets ba #so like when he's making lunch for kunikida he normally just packs a basic sandwich w raw fruit #kunikida always appreciates the effort even tho hes probably sick of having the same thing everyday but he won't complain abt it #when kunikida joined the army he was relieved that the mess hall had better food than dazai #he was the only one in his platoon that never complained abt the food so his fellow soldiers assumed it was bc he came from a tough bg #when in reality he was just used to being poisoned on a daily basis from his dumbass husbands cooking and was hardly fazed from army ration #they write to each other although its more dazai sending and kuni receiving bc hes off fighting and doesnt have time to write back #dazai talks abt life on the homefront and how he has to grow a victory garden (everything is DYING HE CANT EVEN RAISE TOMATOES) #and kuni writes abt his fellow soldiers and how the war is going and when he thinks he'll be home and how he misses sleeping in a bed #ANYWAY yea thought i'd share sry for infodumping in the tags again #this post is for like the four ppl that care abt this specific flavor of knkdz so hopefully this gets four notes at least #bungou stray dogs #bungo stray dogs #dazai osamu #osamu dazai #kunikida doppo #doppo kunikida #kunikidazai #knkdz #lotus draws #bro sry for posting at two in the morning i couldnt sleep until i got this out of my head they have infested my brain

[ryorue]

I'm obsessed with the idea of a mischief maker Astarion. Like, that man has spent so long without autonomy that he uses all of it just to be a chronic little shit. Imagine this: Astarion, bored, simply needs to cause mischief. His hands are twitchy and he simply cannot keep them to himself.

So he randomly gets up, walks over to where (probably Wyll) is like preparing vegtables for the night while Karlach stands beside him giving him terrible cooking advice. And Astarion just. Nonchalantly walks over, picks up a carrot, and walks away with it. Bites into it, too. Makes sure they see him do it. They know he doesn't need to eat it. He knows they know he doesn't need to eat it. He's a fucking vampire. But he does, and they can't do shit about it. Or like. He just walks up to Gale, plucks the book from his hands, and starts reading. Stretches out, gets comfy, makes sure to make use of all of Gale's one pillow (because you know Gale is the type of man to have only one pillow) And just. Doesn't say anything.

And what's Gale gonna do about it?? Get mad? Astarion doesn't care. It's funny.

#astarion #baldur's gate 3 #He is so happy to have autonomy again and uses it for the express purpose of causing shenanigans #He probably targets Wyll really specifically too #I just know they both throw up in their mouth every time they see eachother #Never targets Tav though #so tav is on it #and thinks its hysterical #bg3 astarion #wyll ravengard #also can you imagine how cute Karlach would be trying to help with cooking #just being super overbearing about all the things she wants Wyll to do #karlach #bg3 gale

[garden-of-athena]

i should. stop abandoning tumblr for long periods of time. anyways i think everyone should play hades at least once in their life

this is exactly how my first meeting with thanatos went i was saving my nectars for him but then he just started yelling at me and didnt let me give him a nectar. i was devastated.

#hades game #hades supergiant #zagreus #thanatos #thanzag #expect more wriolette AND im cooking up some capilette #i am still the capilette ceo never forget that