#I was really hoping I'd get this done while it was still actually February

[babybluebanshee]

Things I've Had To Deal With As A City Librarian: I'm Just So Tired

Haven't done one of these in a while, and things have just been...they've been a time, let me tell you.

*We caught a guy hiding in one of the bathroom stalls after closing. We check the bathrooms to clean up any messes for the next day, and Julie knocked on the men's room door. No one answered, so she went in and checked the stalls. Didn't see any feet so she starts opening the doors. She gets to the handicap stall, and she tries to open it. It's locked. She mutters something about having to unlock it, and suddenly a voice from inside calls out, "Hey, I'm still in here." Julie nearly shrieks. The guy claims that his fly was stuck, but given the fact he didn't say anything when Julie came in and we couldn't see his feet under the stall door means he was probably crouched on the toilet, hoping we'd think the bathroom was empty and he could spend the night in the library.

*My coworker Allie did a cute little display in the kids area where you can write a letter to Curious George. She even made cardboard mailbox for it and put out a bunch of books and movies for people to check out. The amount of vandalism this thing has seen is unreal. One night a kid poked holes in the mailbox with a colored pencil. I was doing a walkthrough after a particularly rowdy family was in the kids area, only to discover that they have thrown everything on the display into the mailbox - the books, the movies, the postcards, the coloring materials, even one of the book stands. We spent about ten minutes fishing everything out.

*Speaking of displays, I did the Black History Month one this year. I worked on it for three months, and to be honest, I was very proud of it. It took up two tables, full of historical events and famous figures of black history. Needless to say, since black history is so damn expansive and my space was limited, a lot of people ended up getting left off (especially local people I'd never learned about). The amount of times people told me I left out a person they personally believed should be on it drove me to distraction. Two separate people told me I missed Kamala Harris (which I'll be kicking myself forever about). One woman asked me why I didn't redo the whole display to add one local figure she thought needed to be included. One woman asked me why she herself was not included one the poet's wall, because she was a published author. No, she was not kidding. I guess I should be thrilled that people were actually interacting with it, but at least a few people telling me I did a good job would have been fucking nice.

*To branch off from the black history month display - the city has an anti-discrimination policy when it comes to people reserving rooms for events. The only thing we explicitly do not allow is social events like parties and anyone attempting to sell something; everything else is fair game. This means we get a lot of obnoxious groups whose views we really, really do not agree with - homeschoolers, churches, conservative clubs, and, my personal favorite, the Sons of the Confederacy. Or as Rachel and I like to call them, The Sons of a Bunch of Loser Piss Babies. They had a meeting there during February, and Rachel was working that day. One of them, in his stupid little gray hat, was standing talking to someone...right next to my black history month display. Rachel told me she wanted to take a picture because the juxtaposition was...stark, to say the least. We're really not that surprised Failfuck McStank didn't notice the irony.

*We've had a guy coming in with his guitar and just...hanging out in the study rooms to play. We can't really do anything about it unless he's too loud or someone actively complains, but we're all kind of puzzled about the library being his first choice of places for a jam session.

*There's a pair of teenage girls that have been coming in for about four months now and their punk vibe is immaculate. The first time I ever saw them, one of them had a giant bleach blond mohawk, a leather jacket with studs, hot pink and black striped stockings, and the most badass combat boots I've ever seen. Her friend had a bleach blond buzzcut, a black jean jacket covered in patches, teal leggings, and red converse that were falling apart. Sherri stumbled on them chilling in the kids area, and noticed the buzzcut one was bent over something. She got closer and realized the kid was knitting a scarf. Mohawk comes in more often, and always has a thick book with her, just lounging in the chairs and quietly reading for a few hours. They're my second favorite patrons and hope they never change.

*A woman was interested in attended my classic book club meeting back in June. We were reading Fun Home by Alison Bechdel, so I gave her a copy. She didn't attend the meeting. She returned the book a few days later and said it was "gross". While she was there, she also picked up her inter library loan of a "romance" novel about a woman falling in love with her abusive stepbrother. I'm all for people reading whatever the fuck they want, but I also feel like if you're gonna read stepsibling porn, you don't get to call lesbian comics gross.

*Two women came in with a little boy who was absolutely bouncing off the walls. They did absolutely nothing to control him - one of them was busy talking to someone on her phone (on speaker till someone complained), the other was perusing the shelves - and the kid was just kind of running around being a nuisance. I was walking back from helping someone in the computer lab and saw the kid taking off his shirt. I told him he had to keep his shirt on, and that's when one of the women finally turned to me and said, "He wants to put his Spider-Man costume on." And I'm like, "Lady, that's great, but you're in a public space, not your living room. Have him change in the bathroom." Luckily they didn't hang around long after that, but fucking hell, the entitlement.

*A woman came in to fax a police report to her lawyer, and Sherri and I ended up being privy to the sordid tale of having her car stolen. She was out with a guy she met on Tinder, and they went to a bar in the next town over. They were getting ready to leave, but she wanted to have a cigarette, so they were standing by her car in the parking lot. Suddenly, three police cars come shooting up, right next to them. Turns out the dude she's with has a warrant out for his arrest. He panics, grabs her keys out of her hand, jumps in the car, and fucking peels away. He ended up crashing it into a ditch less than ten miles away, totaling it. She doesn't even know what warrant was for.

*It's very funny whenever I call anyone for reserve reminders or things like that, because people are so used to getting calls from robots and scammers that they're immensely suspicious any time they answer their phone. And it makes the absolute 180 they do into delighted toddlers, excited to get their books, that much funnier. The scenario usually goes like this:

Me: Hi, is this [insert name]?

Patron: *clearly doing the suspicious Fry face* Yeeeees...

Me: This is Blue, at the library! I was just calling to let you know you have a book on reserve ready for pick up!

Patron: *brightening instantly* OMG thank you! Oh, I'm so glad you called! You've made my day, you guys are wonderful!

Never fails to make me chuckle.

*The assistant librarian is in charge of a lot of the teen programs we do, and by far the most popular are her teen book boxes - the kids fill out a form of stuff they enjoy, and she puts together a box of three books, plus crafts and snacks, for them. On average, she does about twenty of them a month. However - because we are located in the heart of Conservative Brainrot Land, where a not insignificant portion of the population thinks if they're a good little conservative who hates what Fox News tells them to, Tucker Carlson will come give them the hug their dad never did - this has also given us great insight into the minds of ultra controlling parents who would encase their kids in wax if that could keep them from learning things they don't want them to. One particularly baffling example started with a mom asking that no "social justice" be included in the box. The next one asked for "no gender identity". This time? No inclusion. Like...I get why she put that. Because inclusivity = woke = liberal = the devil. But like...do these people hear themselves? Do they know what words mean? Also, I told the AL that she should just give the kid an empty box. She did not follow my advice.

*On the flip side of the crazy, controlling parent thing, y'all remember this family from a while ago? The one where the aunt came in and said Pretty Little Liars had opened a satanic portal that drove her niece to a mental hospital? Well, I'm happy to report that I think the mother of that girl might have had a face turn. The same kid just recently returned several books from the Anita Blake series (which are pretty mature as far as sexuality goes), and she's been in talks with the AL to volunteer for us, informing her that she doesn't know her schedule just yet because her mother is letting her start public school. I like to think the mom looked at that whole situation, took a long, hard look at herself in the mirror, and thought, "Ya know what? I don't think I want to be like this anymore. I think this is a problem." And ya know what? Good for her, and good for that girl. I hope it does them both a world of good.

#woe to the librarian #the conservative brain rot is starting to leech into my professional life #and i'll be here to report on it every chance i can

[macaroni-rascal]

What were your thoughts on the RD at NHK? Will you be sharing your FD thoughts as well? 🥰

Would love to share!

Team Koko: Maybe the ugliest dress I've ever seen, their speed is so lacking it's distracting, a fun lift, and mediocre skating skills. They will not have a good season, and it will end by nationals in all likelihood.

Orihara/Pirinen: They have a fun energy on the ice, but the program itself is largely forgettable and they don't have the technical ability to rise right now, the other Finnish team is much better.

Wang/Liu: Her dress is amazing, his shirt is a travesty. It's a very fun program, but it last a little long for me. The head bobbing moments didn't spark joy, but it was a solid first outing after not skating since February. They desperately need to work on their levels.

Wolfkostin/Chen: Really not good. I wish I had something nice to say, but I don't. It was messy, it was underwhelming, it was sloppy. I said to @anewbeginningagain last night that it would almost be impressive that MIDA don't have a single good program this season, if it wasn't so tragic.

KanaDai: If you pay attention, the stand still three different times during their character step, and again a couple more times in the program. I'd venture to say they spend about 30 seconds of this program not skating, another minute walking on the ice, and the rest of it skating side by side, but not at all ice dancing. His twizzles are traveling three turns, their lift was awful and slow. A travesty of a score.

Lopareva/Brissaud: A little messy, just off in places. Not the best program. While they have some solid skating skills, their free suits them much better, this program feels put upon. No matter how much politicking they get to be France's #1, if they don't skate it, the judges can't help them.

Reed/Ambrulevicius: A fun program, it suits them well, she is quite solid on the ice, I especially liked their midline the most, it was very smooth and well skated. I'm very very glad they were placed above KanaDai, their are better ice dancers by a country mile. I hope they can keep rising, I really enjoy them.

Green and Parsons: Their speed has improved greatly since their first outing, so has their lift. I'm still not a fan of them or their program, and I wish they weren't in bronze position, but it is what it is. They definitely skated much better than they did at their first GP.

Fournier-Beaudry/Sorensen: I like this program for them, despite her anal bead ponytail. Oh, how I wish their legs actually matched when they are both holding that back outside edge at the beginning of this program. The flow between elements is well done, and I like their lift. They are still skating a little cautiously, but they ended strong. I adore that they are in first place, brings me such joy.

Chock and Bates: Their programs are just so bad this season. They are so slow across the ice, they changed their lift after botching it at Skate America, but this one doesn't fit the program at all. The music is a snooze, the skating is a snooze, it's all a big snooze. The moment when they aren't skating and Madi just needs to focus on hitting great positions and doing precise arm movements are so great, and then they start moving and it all goes to hell in a handbasket. They deserve to be second here, and they deserve to be second by a larger margin, but I'll take it.

<3

#konner talks skating

[rosemirmir]

It's both my Leijiversary and Tokuversary today.

Five years ago I was on a trip, and bought the first volume of the original Harlock manga on a whim. With it I got sucked into a sea of stars, filled with space pirates, space trains, no sense of continuity, and countless stories. I've met many people I still am in contact with today.

Before the Leijiverse I was just a lurker. While I was online, and I would talk to people sometimes, I never really reached out myself. The Leijiverse was my very first instance of me feeling compelled and actually wanting to go out of my way and talk to others.

Through the Leijiverse, I have met people who helped change my life for the better, and all not too long after a very traumatic thing happened to me. Without getting into detail, I almost left the internet entirely because of it. But thanks to these connections I am still here. I owe a lot to them, and this universe.

It's a very bittersweet anniversary for this specific interest of mine this year, given the passing of Leiji Matsumoto himself back in February. His world, his characters and his stories have done so much for me, more than I will ever be able to articulate.

And one year ago, I finally jumped into Tokusatsu on a whim. I've had my eye on it forever. I liked Power Rangers and Godzilla as a kid, so I knew I would enjoy the genre at large. I tried getting into it over the years, but something always got in the way.

Just wasn't the right place at the right time.

Until I saw Ryosuke Miura as Harlock in a Galaxy Express 999 musical. And after a couple months of vibrating autistically over this musical that I wasn't even sure I would have the chance to see, I remembered he was in Kamen Rider OOO.

I hopped in, not knowing what I'd expect. I knew of Kamen Rider. Not only did I know multiple people growing up who like it, the diagram of old anime fans and toku fans is pretty much a circle. But I didn't know what I was going to get into.

And I came out of OOO a completely different person compared to when I came in. OOO changed my life, like Harlock did, for the better. OOO is still my top favorite Rider show to this day, with Ryuki which I finished last week now sitting alongside OOO in this spot.

(Kobyashi just knows how to get me.)

And over this past year I've seen even more shows, made multiple friends, and so many memories.

I've come across shows and characters that have become true all time favorites. Seen moments where I was laughing so hard until my stomach hurt, and crying so hard while gripping my chest. These stories have made me laugh, smile, cry, form a sense of hope for the goodness in humanity, and make me want to keep going.

I've met some truly wonderful, talented, kind, just all around amazing people who have made me have big smiles during this past year.

Both Leijiverse and Tokusatsu make me thrilled that I am alive. And I find it really poetic that I got into both of these things on the same day, multiple years apart, and one was what lead me into the other.

Over these past five years entirely, I am beginning to become somewhat decent at talking to people online after lurking for so much of my life. I still need to get better at flexing that muscle, but I'm a lot better than where I was.

I'm grateful for everything throughout these past five years in their entirety. Despite everything in my personal life, I am a happier person for having gotten into both these things. I cannot imagine my life without both of these things, and without the people I have met over the years because of them both.

I truly am grateful for it, more than I could ever express with words.

Thank you. 🏴‍☠️❤️💛💚

#i was going to add more to this but some personal life news irl has really knocked the spoons out of me #but i feel ive said what i wanted to say here #if ive met you through leijiverse or toku or even something else altogether just know I am deeply grateful we have crossed paths #thank you everyone <3 #linky posts

[missspringthyme]

February 6th, 2024

Productive day today! I set my alarm for 7 to try and reset my sleeping patterns, and it kinda worked. I got up at 9! I'm still working on implementing the routine I want, but we're making progress. I'm hopeful that my Utrecht/Amsterdam trip will be a good reset instead of a derailment, though, so we'll see, and I'm going to try and start taking my meds again. If I do though, I'm going to have to be careful because I've been weirdly thirsty lately. It feels like no matter how much I drink, I always feel a little bit dehydrated. What I wouldn't do for a yellow or cucumber Gatorade right now.

The business casual fit for today included a blouse I thrifted that was handmade in Vietnam. I really like it, but I feel a bit self conscious wearing it. I don't know why, but at least by wearing it out in public at least one time it's helped me break the seal. I also decided to do eyeliner today because I was wearing an all Grey outfit and I felt like my face needed some more contrast. Additionally, my acne is awful right now and I sometimes overcompensate with make up when I feel self conscious. This was a bit of a decision for someone who doesn't wear eyeliner normally and currently lives in a region of the world where practical and subtle are prized over "fun", so I decided to wear a pair of my glasses to compensate. I picked the green ones because the brown ones felt too warm for the outfit.

At my faculty, I met up with my former Italian roommate because she had agreed to be a participant in the eeg study. We got there a little early so she ate a burrito while I responded to my little sister's questions about when and where my train would be arriving. After 1pm rolled around, we headed upstairs to my supervisors office. My former Italian roommate has never done a psychological study before and she was surprised that I've been a participant for a lot. While we waited for the Greek girl to come, my supervisor and I talked about why psychology students make up the majority of participant pools of psychology studies. She asked if that was good, which of course it isn't but what can you do? (Participate in science kids! It's a civil duty!!) We headed upstairs to the lab and got my former Italian roommate ready. The booth is very crowded with 4 people, but that's the price of learning. As I predicted when I was the participant, I found it much harder to be the researcher than the participant. Several times I had to fight falling asleep while I attempted to entertain myself without making too much noise. You try being perfectly still and quiet in a sound proof cube and rhythmic tones.

In the middle, I got up to go to the bathroom. Partially because I had to and partially so I could get a break. The bathroom was weird and only locked from the door leading into the hallway, which took me a minute to figure out. I also noticed that the entire time I had a white sunscreen cast on my lips and that was very annoying.

After we finished, I told her I'd meet her downstairs after we finished up our meeting. My supervisor showed up the eeg readings in MATLAB and gave us some samples to look through on our own time. I appreciate that he's going slow, but I worry this is a situation where he's going to spend too much time teaching us how to visually identify blinks by the amplitude of the wave and then brush past the actual difficult analysis bits. We'll see if my prediction comes true.

I do have a confession, I kinda lied to my former Italian roommate. She really wanted me to come over to her house but I knew if I did there I'd be there until late at night and I'm having enough trouble getting to bed on time as it is. So instead I told her that I had errands to run so I didn't have much time. This is partially true because I needed more shampoo and conditioner and muesli, but DM closes at 8 not 5. This led me to adding a stupid lie in the middle of the truth which was that I had a package I needed to pick up. This is better because there's more of a strict time limit, but also worse because she then asked me what I ordered. Fuck. So, being the good liar I am, I crafted a lie out of something that very easily could have been true. There's this card game called Marrying Mr.Darcy that I really want to get my sister as a present. She loves Pride and Prejeduce, and I think she would find it funny. I put it in my list of Christmas gift ideas, but realized it would be great as a birthday present too. Unfortunately it wouldn't have arrived on time and shipping to Germany is expensive, so I didn't order it. This game also has expansion decks, so I told my former Italian roommate that I accidentally ordered an expansion deck instead of the game so whoopsie guess I'll just wait for Christmas. I wish one of my knee jerk instincts wasn't to lie, and I wish I wasn't so good at it. (Or do I?)

Anyway, instead of going to her house we opted to walk around downtown for a bit. It was extremely windy today and I hadn't really dressed for the weather because I had stupidly assumed that the nicer weather we'd been having would continue. What's funny is the last time I was in Germany around Karneval it was during reading week and I remember being so amazed by how sunny and warm it was compared to Scotland. I don't know if I've become more of a wimp or if the weather was just incredible in February 2019. Maybe a bit of both. We talked for an hour or 2 before I said goodbye at the bus station. She keeps reminding me to bring a towel because the hostel probably won't have one, and only stops when I show her the reminder I've put in my phone.

Back home, I pick up my shampoo and conditioner and muesli (and pretzel and lemonade). I really wish someone could just tell me what hair products to buy, because I get overwhelmed everytime. I just keep trying out new shampoos hoping I'll know when I've found the one, but if I'm honest the closest I've come was the love, beauty, and planet one but purely for their scent. Very thick, almost spicy lavender. It's incredible and has been slowly vanishing from store shelves, which I very much dislike. This time, I'm trying a volume and "illuminate"(?) Shampoo, so I'll write an update if my hair is incredible. One thing I'll say for the US, they understand that you need shampoo and conditioner bottles that aren't the size of a thimble. €10 for 2 bottles that fit in one of my tiny little hands should be considered a crime against humanity.

I ate my pretzel as I walked home (2nd thing I had eaten that day besides breakfast) and found myself behind a mother and her kid. Kids make me really happy, and I always try and listen in on what they've got to say when I'm passing by. Instead though, today the only thing I caught was his mother telling him that whatever jumble of words that had just spilled out was a very good question. I feel like "that's a good question" is a lot more earnest in German. In English, it has some spite mixed in.

At home, German American told me that she overheard that a very popular German youtuber is moving into our building. Neither of us had ever heard of him, so we watched one of his more recent videos and were confused to say the least. Incredible (coughexpensivecough) production value but baffling plot. I had pasta tonight to use up the sauce in my fridge. Tomorrow I'll have to remember to make my vegan poke bowl again so I use up my fresh ingredients. Channa masala will have to wait until I get back. Things were also a little more light in the kitchen today. I really miss the group dynamic we all used to have when I first moved in, but things were good today. Everyone had some of my mochi and I had some of German Americans Japanese KitKats while she circled things she wanted in the kaufland magazine we had received in the mail. Looks like next time I take the train, I'll be stopping to buy chocolate cream cheese (??)

Right as I was getting ready for bed, T called to tell me some fantastic news! He talked to his Chem professor and he's got some really good leads on being able to start doing research soon!! I'm so ridiculously proud of him, he deserves the world. A full day today.

#roommates #t #friend #thesis #sister #febuary

[meditating-dog-lover]

Body goals

So I have definitely noticed fat loss over the months. And I've done a great job. I notice drastic results every 6 months. I last took progress photos in February so I'm sure by August I would see very noticable differences. It's as if fat is being removed in small layers overtime, and it takes a while.

I want to say I will probably reach a happy goal by August of next year (2023) or even February of the next year (2024). I am at a good place now, but I need time.

My diet is decent and better than before. I make sure to eat intuitively until moderate fullness. I also drink enough water.

However, in some cases I do wake up not fully debloated and that is normal. I want to try my best to address this. While I have lost a good amount of fat, I can look bigger than I really am with the additional bloat. And usually if I'm bloated in the morning, the remainder of the day is screwed up. Not the other way around.

I assumed it could be a digestion issue rather than an excess fat issue (which I am working on still). So I wanted to find some solutions, some of them including (in addition to my moderate fullness way of eating and drinking water):

Unintentional intermittent fasting. I don't want to call it fasting, but I want a good time window between last night's dinner and tomorrow's breakfast. This will be at least 12 hours but I'd say no more than 14 because I will get hangry.

Consider taking a prebiotic.

Eating more fiber. On a good day, I don't struggle to consume enough fiber. I do consume fruits, vegetables, whole grains, sweet potatoes, dark chocolate and chia seeds which all have fiber. I am considering consuming some chia seeds with almond milk each night before bed (with some cinnamon). I hope this works with my "fasting" window but I don't consider it to break my fast because it's not an actual meal.

I want to drink effectively. Water is so important, however I notice it can dilute stomach acids. The solution to stop drinking water would be inherently dumb and dangerous. But they say it's best to drink water 15 mins before a meal and 1 hour after to avoid diluting stomach acids.

To add to the above point: some drinks improve digestion and increase metabolism. This includes matcha, peppermint and ginger tea. I love matcha, so I want to have a small "shot" of it (hot temperature which increases its metabolic effect) in the morning before breakfast, after each meal, and at night with my chia drink before I go to bed. It does not break fasting. I need 2-4 L of water a day, and tea counts and so does water found in food.

Hopefully this helps me feel well and debloated throughout the day and I wake up feeling well and not sluggish.

I do worry about my frame sometimes too. I am tall and have an "athletic build". I am not petite nor small nor very feminine. I am taller and bigger than most women. This isn't a body weight issue, it's just my frame and bone structure (I have blunt bones). It's hard to find clothes that fit without looking odd. In this case, being overweight or bloated which makes me look even bigger for an already big person. My thick calves do not help at all either and make my legs look shorter and stalkier. And I don't know if that's genetic or from walking too much because my sister has slim calves and other people in my family do not. So I am not sure what the solution is.

Until now I am finding a way to update my workout routine. Exercise definitely helped me lose weight. And I want to continue. But walking a lot very likely made my calves bigger but still helped me shed a lot of fat. I do circuit training too but I feel like I am not challenging my strength and endurance enough. Probably walking on a flat surface (I say I walk on a "flat surface ", but I probably really don't), and taking 10-15 min walks at a time can help.

I don't know really, I need to figure somethinf out. This is a definite source of my insecurity because I've never felt attractive growing up and always valued my smarts instead of my looks. I'm so happy I have a great education and great job as a result of my great education so I won't have any serious financial problems when I grow up. Now I can focus on taking care of my health and looks which I feel I am years and years behind. And I'm almost 30 so I feel like I'm too old for that unfortunately.

[cbmagus49]

FORDUARY WEEK 4: HUG IT OUT

I made this comic ages ago but it fit the theme so well that I just had to redraw it for week 4. I figured a redraw would be relatively quick and easy.

...It was not. T^T

This takes place during Stan’s recovery post-Weirdmageddon. After several days of working to get his memories back, Stan starts to remember his and Ford’s complicated history. Ford is obviously deeply apologetic and tries to reconcile, but he’s also fully prepared for Stan to hate him for what happened between the two of them. Lucky for him, this is Stanley we’re talking about. He was always gonna forgive him; all he ever wanted was his brother back.

#gravity falls #forduary #stan pines #ford pines #I was really hoping I'd get this done while it was still actually February #ah well #it's still Monday somewhere #i'm gonna be honest #half the reason this took so long #was that I kept stopping to laugh #at those middle panels #look at their faces #stan's just bowling him over #drawing those had me giggling uncontrollably when I first drew them #it wasn't much different on the redraw #I love these two dorks so so much

[theravenclawrevolutionary]

I haven't given a novel update in a while so I felt like you guys deserved one if anyone's even been curious.

I'd fallen off quite a bit for a while. Things were getting stuck, I was super busy with school and sports, and then I realized I had an error with the year of a historical date that couldn't be changed (Camille and Lucile's wedding). Their romance subplot had been building and the past 4 chapters had mentioned a lot about their wedding and the events leading up to it so I had to rewrite large parts of all four chapters. That low-key took ages and made me have more than one mental breakdown. It's the only real major historical era I've made that I can find so far though so yay for me making it this far before I messed up really bad!

We've finally made it to 1790 so the action will really start to pick up! Maximilien is literally being elected president of the Jacobin club as we (metaphorically) speak. Four of the 'Frev main five' have been introduced. We're still waiting on Saint-Just though. I also only need about 2,000 more words to hit 100k which is exciting! Fingers are crossed for that milestone hitting either tomorrow or Wednesday.

Additionally, the first draft should be finished by the first week of February if not earlier! My mom and I, both knowing that I work better under pressure, worked together to set weekly goals. If I don't write 3,500 words a week I get my phone taken away for the weekend or longer (depending on how close to my goal I was). With the rest of my chapters planned out and an average of 2,500 words per chapter this goal should be easily attainable. I'd really appreciate it if one of you would be interested in reading the first draft to verify the historical accuracy of the timeline and characterization of some people when the time comes so it'll be historically correct when I get an editor. But if none of you want to that's fine too.

Lastly, I've done some more math (ew) and realized that the novel will be pretty much equal, just like I'd originally hoped. The first half about Max's childhood until he graduates school is likely going to be about the same length as the second half which is the actual revolution. Honestly it'll probably be a little shorter then the second half which is great. I was worried when I started the revolution half that it would end up too short for some reason (probably because the number of years is far, far less) but I didn't know how I was going to fix the potential issue. Thankfully it corrected itself!

Ok, thanks for your time guys. Idk who actually still reads these or is still interested in my book since it seems like I've been working on it forever, but if you do care I really appreciate it!

~Dara

#french revolution #frev #robespierre #maximilien robespierre #creative writing #writing #robespierre novel #frev wip

[linkispink1995]

Better as Friends (25) A new Routine

Previously

Series masterlist

Chapter warnings:language , mentions of smut and a lot of fluff , kissing

A/N:this is the last part to this series but fear not there is a prequel and a sequel to this series,I want to thank everyone who enjoyed the series. This was my first series that I'm actually proud of so like always feedback is appreciated , stay safe and enjoy (Also there is a small q&a at the bottom feel free to fill that out).

~~~~~~~~~~

February 10th 1983

Dear Y/n , I honestly don't know how to start this other then I'm sorry. I'm sorry for leaving , I'm sorry for ignoring you and treating you so wrong , but not only that but I'm sorry for being so distant towards the baby. Our baby , the baby we made with our love and I'm pretty sure on a beach towel but that's besides the point. I promise that I'll be there for you whenever or wherever you need me , I love you and hope with all the love and kindness in your heart that you can find a way to forgive me. I might not deserve it , I mean I definitely don't deserve it but if you can forgive me maybe we can start over. Raise our child together like it supposed to be , love Steve.

June 7th 1988

Dear Y/n , I love you and I'm not sure when I exactly figured it out but I do , I can't think of a particular moment I realized this it maybe its was when I heard you laugh first time or the first time and maybe I realized it again when I saw how you were with Jackson . I don't know when it was but it will be something I'll never forgot but I've been waiting for this day for a while to realize that I'm still in love you but now in this moment I know I don't want to let you or Jackson go.

Love Steve

~~~~~~~~~~~

I felt tears begin to prick in my eyes reading those words , Steve however was silent probably waiting to hear my responses. I didn't respond though , I couldn't I was speechless and I didn't know why. Maybe it was because of how long ago he wrote this or maybe it was that he had this letter or maybe it was because I realized that maybe someway somehow this is how we were supposed to get back together. I looked up at Steve before he wiped on of the fallen tears that stained my cheek before I placed my lips onto his. He pulled away saying "I love you" I responded saying "I love you too" we reconnected our lips before walking down the hall to finish what had been started before the phone call

°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•

I awoke the following morning to an empty obis of sheets 'was last night a dream , it felt like dream , it was a dream' , I then wrapped some of sheet around myself since after last night's events I was to tired to change into pajamas "good morning". I turned to see Steve exciting the bathroom with a towel hung loosely around his waist , I responded saying "good morning". He then pecked my lips before saying "as much as I hate to leave this view , I gotta go to my place and get some stuff and make sure that someone is gone" I nodded before saying "yeah I should probably get up too before he comes home" He sighed saying " god I love you but your such a procrastinator" I nodded saying "well when you get back I'll make your breakfast" he nodded before I got up and kissed his cheek again before walking to the bathroom. After my shower I exited the bathroom and walked into the bedroom to see that the bed had been made and there was a small note on the bed , I then walked towards the kitchen since I had yet to have my morning cup of coffee. I had put the creamer into the fridge when I felt a that familiar samll figure run into my legs I pulled Jackson into my arms before saying "hi my sweet pea , did you have fun at grandma's" he nodded before saying "I missed you mama" I responded saying "I'm missed you and you know what I have a surprise for you" his face lit up before I added "aunt Colleen and uncle Matt had the baby and you me and daddy can go see her today his face lit up with a smile saying "really" I nodded as he added "but I thought we were mad at him". I sighed saying "well I think daddy and I have made up now" he nodded as my mom stood there with a look of shock on her face causing Jackson to giggle before I added "hey why don't you go play so I can talk to grandma". Jackson nodded before running back to his room. As I began to take a sip out of my coffee mom spoke saying " where you safe last night " I gasped saying "mom" she shrugged saying "Y/n I love you but isn't he still with that girl ". I quickly shook my head saying "no mother they broke up" she then asked "well at least you were safe" I rolled my eyes saying "jesus my mother , that's not your business". She nodded before I changed the subject since this wasn't something I wasn't going to talk to my mother about. "How was he last night" she nodded again saying "good , he's a really good kid sweetheart I'm really proud of you". I nodded as she added " besides that did you get to talk to him at all" I nodded as mom added "really" I again nodded before she added " was this before or after he gave you that marking on your neck" I responded saying "oh no this is a-" she cut me off saying "sweetie if I didn't know what a hickey was you probably wouldn't be here" I cringed at my mothers words before saying

"whatever mom" before feeling lift me off the ground and then peck my cheek a couple dozen times. Robin rolled her eyes again before saying " well I'm gonna go , Steven will you walk me out , we need to talk " Steve then pecked my cheek before walking outside with mom.

August 12th

Steve's p.o.v

I awoke as the sunshine began to pour into Y/n's bedroom window , I yawned before Y/n snuggled into my side I kissed the top of her head before trying to soak a few more minutes of sleep. A few minutes later I felt a kiss on my cheek and voice say "good morning" I opened my eyes before pecking Y/n's lips before saying "good morning". We then continued to lay there in silence soaking up our last minutes together before we'd have to wake Jackson up since todaywould be his firstdsy of kindergarten , a few minutes of laying there watching the sunrise through the blinds before Y/n spoke saying. "He has to get up soon" I nodded saying "I know but he could just stay here with us" she sighed saying "Steve I wish he could stay but -" I cut her off by pecking her lips before saying "Y/n I'm kidding , I want him to go and have a good time". She nodded before rolling over to view her alarm clock causing her to say "I should probably get out of this bed now" I responded saying "I'll miss you baby " to which she responded "I like when you call me that" I then started to kiss the back of her hand and start to work my way towards her neck only to pull away before getting to her sweet spot to say. "You know there are other names too if you don't really love that one" she then gasped as my lips ghosted her collar bone before I added "like babe , and honey or pumpkin" my lips finally made it to where I knew she had wanted them causing her to gasp before I could continue there was a knock at the bedroom door causing Y/n to pull away and walk towards the door. As she opened the door to reveal Jackson on the other side whoa seemed surprise to see her there since he said "can we go now" she sighed saying "no sweet pea not yet , how about we go and have breakfast" he nodded as the two left for the kitchen.

Y/n p.o.v

I entered the kitchen with Jackson in tow , the excitement could be felt in the air with a small mixture of sadness since my sweet baby boy who I could once carry in my arms was now going to kindergarten. Jackson had been waiting for this since the beginning of summer , he'd probably been counting down these days. On the other hand I was a mess and each day it would get worse , I thought I'd never stop crying after buying his backpack. It would get better , and then I see his school clothes that he had on his dresser since May. Steve however was doing really well and was acting like nothing was going to change and maybe he was right maybe the only thing that was changing except my baby was going to kindergarten.

After breakfast Jackson quickly ran to his bedroom to get dressed , before practically nagging Steve and I to get dressed cause he wanted to go early. After Steve and I got dressed Jackson then dragged us out of the house , the entire car ride Jackson was talking a mile a minute about all the things he was excited to learn but I not Steve was silent almost as if he wasn't really there. I pulled into the school parking lot before looking into the backseat to see Jackson grinning like the Cheshire cat , we exited the car before waling to the school. I was honestly nervous since he did seem so excited but I was afraid that the second he got up to the classroom he wouldn't want to leave my side since Jackson had always been close to me especially in new situations. To my surprise when we got to the classroom he didn't put or cry he just walked away from us , not even a goodbye kiss or an I'll miss you hug. Jackson just walked in the classroom no problem. As Steve and I began to walk back to the car I spoke saying "are you okay" he shrugged before I added "Steve honey what's-" he didn't responded he just fell in my arms saying "he didn't say goodbye he just walked away from us , he's done with us pretty soon he'll be driving and he'll-" I cut him off saying "he's play Steve will see him in seven hours okay" he frowned saying. "How about we pick him up at ten instead of two" I shook my head saying "no he's gonna stay the whole time okay and will pick him up and go out for ice cream afterwards how does that sound". He nodded saying "fine" I responded saying "and we can't worry okay he'll be fine , at least he didn't have a meltdown like someone I know". Steve huffed saying "mom told said we were going to the park that was not the park" I rubbed his shoulder as Steve continued his rant about how he didn't have a kicking screaming fit on the first day of kindergarten (he did) as we got into the car I couldn't help but think about how long it had been since I was in a classroom

Flashback

It was a rainy cold Thursday , I was sitting in Ms. Stone history class watch the rain drops tap the window . I probably should've been listening to her speech on the second world war , my perfect view of the first spring rainstorm after the snow had melted was disturbed by feeling someone tap on my shoulder. I knew exactly who it was , it was the person who sat in front of me since the beginning of the year , Steve Harrington. We had been best friends since Mrs. Andrew's third grade class after he poured paint in my snow shoes and I returned the favor by placing a rubber spider in his bookbag but that was over now. Are small rivalry had turned into a really good friendship and if I was being honest I couldn't help but want more my thoughts were interrupted by Steve saying "do you have a pencil" I sighed before handing him the one I was using "thanks" he said before I realized that was my only pencil. I sighed knowing that Ms. Stone was extremely stick about pencils I knew that because of Steve constantly asking for one. I hesitated before raing my hand before she spoke saying "yes Y/n you had a question"

I swallowed the lump in my throat given that I was never one for public speaking "I don't have a pencil and I was wondering if I could borrow one"

I felt as if every eye was on me "Ahh Y/n I thought to expect more from a grade A student" she said while walking towards my desk I was ready to hear what an idiot I was when all of the sudden someone interrupted "actually Ms. Stone , Y/n let me borrow her pencil I didn't realize it was her only one" it took me a moment whose voice it was , I though I was dreaming but I couldn't have been no mater how boring Ms. Stone's class was I never feel asleep, but my eyes had not deceived me it was Steve , Ms. Stone sighed and looked at me again saying "you knew you only had one pencil so you gave it to your fellow classmate" I nodded "ahh I see well Y/n , Steve since you both like pencils so much why don't you come in to detention on tomorrow and sharpen some for me" Ms. Stone snarled before placing the pencil on my desk and walking back to the board before Steve turned around to mouth the words "sorry"

After class I made my way to my locker before Steve caught up with me saying "listen Y/n I'm really sorry about that-" I cut him off saying. "It's fine" Steve then added "well hey listen what are you doing tomorrow" I responded saying. "Sharpening pencils with you" he rolled his eyes saying "I mean afterwards , do you maybe get something to eat" I nodded saying "yeah sure Benny's with the group sounds like fun". He shook his head saying "actually Y/n I was thinking that maybe you and I could just go" I stood there shocked as he added "like a date". My jaw must've hit the ground when he said that , before I could respond he added "you know what I'm sorry we don't-" I cut him off saying "no that would be nice yeah we can go after detention" he nodded saying "yeah that's great um yeah" I nodded before feeling the courage to kiss his cheek causing Steve to turn bright pink I then quickly walked away before heading to my next class.

Flashback over

After picking Jackson up from school the three of us had lunch at Benny's as Steve and I sat listening to Jackson entire day I couldn't help but think that maybe we weren't better as friends maybe we were better together ....

The end

Here's the Q&A , I'd love some feedback

Taglist @disneyprincessbuffyannesummers @queenofthehairharrington @charmed-asylum

(Let me know if you'd like to be added to either or both the sequel and prequel taglist)

#steve harrington fanfiction #steve harrington x reader #steve harrington imagine #steve harrington #dad steve harrington #steve harrington angst #steve harrington au

[lavieestbelleatleastonmostdays]

14th February , 2017

I know by now I should be 'old enough' to talk about my worries or feelings in general with my friends but I just can´t. So here I am sitting on my bed with the journal in my hands. Today is Valentine's Day aka one of my most hated days (besides Mondays obviously) of the year. Two years ago I would have never thought that I'd feel this way but if your ex-boyfriend doesn't show up for your Valentines date a year later and breaks up with you over the phone like a freaking coward. A day like this leaves a scar inside of you and a sour taste in your mouth. I still know how my tears tasted on my lips after I allowed myself to cry in the arms of my best friends.

Dear diary,

It's just so hard to deal with after every memory we shared together. I gave him my heart, my soul and my body and he just threw it threw me away like some trash he found on the street.

I know I sound bitter and mad but the anger I felt that day is gone but what's left now is disappointment and the lack of knowledge why he ended things like this. I can't even say that I hate him or that I never want to see his face again because it would be a goddamn lie.

My friends always tell me that I´m too good to be true but I believe nobody , you´ve once loved dearly , deserves to be hated.

I actually wish him -

'knock knock'

“Areum !!!” Jackson yelled from the other side of my door while knocking so hard that I thought the door will collapse. “I really hope you are ready by now or otherwise we will miss the beginning of the movie. “

“Yes, I am ready Jackson so you can stop knocking. Just let me put on my jacket and we can go.” I screamed back at him while swinging my ass off my bed to grab the jacket I´ve thrown on my chair.

“Oh you finally made it. That´s a really damn miracle. Now we have to hurry. Elena is already waiting for us at the cinema.”Jackson said while sending a quick message to her that we were on the way.

Only music filled the silence in the car. Jackson tried to talk to me the whole time but my answers were short and void of any emotion. He stopped trying to talk to me so my mind could drift of to a pretty dark place in my heart which was way too familiar. I felt suffocated. Tears were dwelling in my eyes while they scanned the cars and people who were passing by.

I know I shouldn't be like this. Especially since Elena and Jackson tried so hard to replace this twisted and fucked up memory with a good one. I´m really grateful to call those two my friends I really appreciate their patience with me but as simple as it sounds to replace the bad memory of a day with a good one. As hard it is to actually let it happen.

As soon as we went into the cinema we were greeted with the familiar smell of buttery popcorn and nacho cheese. My stomach growled loudly enough so that Jackson heard it. He put his arms around my shoulders while he laughed and guided me to the corner Elena was waiting for us. My eyes already drifting to the counter which held all the delicious treasures.

“Hey guys.” Elena greeted us with a bright smile and pulled us into a hug. “You´ve made it just on time. I already bought our tickets. Now let's get some snacks before Areum drowns us in a sea of her saliva.”, she said in a joking manner.

“ HEY ! I´m so not going to drown you in my saliva but this smell guys. This is the best.”

“ We know Areum. “, they both answered with a chuckle. “Let's fill your little tummy with all of this tasty goodness.”  

The movie my friends invited me to was about a former couple in their early twenties. At first they were best friends in high school but they eventually fell in love with each other but on one particular date night the guy never showed up. He just left her a voicemail to tell her that he can´t be with her. Some years passed by and the scars the man left on the heart of the woman healed slowly. So she and a friend of hers planned a holiday trip to the Maldives. She went on a boat trip all alone to give her friend some time for herself and she knew that she gets seasick easily. But life sucks sometimes so as soon as she went onto the boat she looked into the eyes of the guy who ripped her heart out years ago. Funny how life can be this cruel. The boat belonged to him. She tried to ignore him for the most time but everytime he moved in a particular way her eyes glanced his way. While her eyes were roaming over the expanse of the sea he walked over to stand beside her. He cleared his throat and began to explain why he behaved like this years ago. The guy knew his actions hurt her deeply but just didn't see any other way. They both talked about all the mistakes they’ve made in their relationship.

While the movie on the screen in front of me came to an end my thoughts were going into overdrive. ‘What if I’ll meet him again someday ? Will he also explain his actions to me like the guy in the movie did ? How would I react ? Will I be as calm as the movie or is my heart going to shatter even more ? I wonder if he changed or would he still recognize me ? ‘

“Yo Areum ! Are you still with us or are you already in a food coma ?” Elena and Jackson joked while they packed our things together.

I was still stuck in my head so I only mumbled “Before we go I have to go to the toilet. Will you wait in the car for me ?”

“Sure thing hurry up and don’t get lost on your way there.”

“Hahaha you are so funny Jackson.”

“I know Areum that’s why you love me so dearly.”

“Yeah, yeah.” I rolled my eyes before I turned around to go to find the restroom. Jokes on me. I got lost. Sometimes I’m just so dumb I can’t even believe it myself.

“Goddamn were is this fucking restroom ? It must be somewhere around here.” I whispered to myself and turned around to go back to my starting point. But while doing so my face met the hard chest of a man. I quickly mumbled an apology while stepping back. The man in front of me didn’t except my apology or even moved. I asked myself if he even breathed but what I was well aware of was the fact that I could feel his eyes on me. Just as I wanted to pass him the stranger grabbed my wrist which made me look up at him. My eyes looked into a familiar pair I only knew to well.

“Hey Areum, long time no see.” My eyes widened. ‘This can’t be possible.’  

This voice which made me feel calm and safe a long time ago and these eyes I could have drowned myself in. This must be a bad dream. Kim Namjoon can’t be here after he left me a year ago.

“Fuck.” I said under my breath.

“What did you say ? “ Namjoon bowed his head so that we were on eye level while scanning my face. “Won’t you greet me princess ? “ He said while a smile graced his handsome face. His absolutely adoring dimples appeared. My eyes scanned over his face first after I let them wander over his whole body. He looked good way to good. His hair was black and a few strands fell in his face. He wore a pair of jeans paired with a black sweater and a huge cardigan or was it a jacket. I’m not quite sure.

After I was done checking him out I looked back up into his face. I took a deep breath and wetted my lips before I answered, “No you don’t deserve to be greeted by me after you teared my heart apart like this.” I tried to stay as calm as possible even if my heart sounded like it will jump out of my chest. “You just left me without any explanation and you expect me to greet you with open arms. Namjoon am I a fucking joke to you ?” His eyes widened and he gulped. “Areum…..I’m --”

“Don’t say that you are fucking sorry.” I screamed at him. “You can shove your damn apology up your ass. I really would appreciate if you can let go of me.” I tried to free my wrist out of his grap but he only fastened it.

“Listen Areum, I know that I deserve that you treat me like this but please..I beg you give me one chance to explain why I acted the way I did.” I could see that he meant what he was saying. His brown eyes were filled with regret and sadness but also disappointment.

“Areum don’t -” Namjoons voice broke and he took a shaking breath. “- please don’t look at me like this.”

“How do I look at you, hm ?”

“Like you want me to disappear forever. No this is not right. You look at me like you wished you would have never met me.”

“Maybe that’s exactly what I want.”

“Liar.” I lowered my lids to shield my eyes from him and to not let him see the tears who were beginning to form. I don’t want to cry. I don’t want to feel anything right now. I just want to go home and to wholeheartedly embrace the warmth of my bed. Why did I have to get lost ? Why did I have to run into him ? My mind was a mess. My heart was racing. It was hard for me to get even air in my lungs. The tears were prickling behind my closed eyes. The only thing I could hear was the thrumming of my heart and Namjoons deep breaths. 

“NAMJOON !” Someone seemed to look for him. I didn’t recognize the voice at first but it seemed like the person was nearby. 

“Namjooooon….”

“I think…” I took a shuddering breath and opened my eyes again blinking the tears away. “...I think one of your friends is looking for you.”

“Areum..” He looked like he was in physical pain. “They can -”

“Oh there you are Namjoon. We looked everywhere for you. “ Now that the voice was right behind him. I recognized it. It was Hoseok one of his best friends. 

“What are you doing here in this corridor. Didn’t you want to go to the restroom ?” Hoseok asked before putting a hand on one of his shoulders His eyes wandered from Namjoon to me and I could see how realization bloomed in his look.

“Oh..I didn’t want to..” Hoseok scratched the back of his neck. “...disturb you. I’m sorry. I will go to the others again.”

“You don’t have to. I was about to go anyway Hoseok but Namjoon won’t let me go.” I said with a forced smile.

“Oh..I thought..”

“It doesn’t matter what you thought. So Namjoon will you kindly let go of my hand or what ?” He let go and his eyes fixed on the ground.

“Thank you.” I whispered while I passed the both of them. “Bye have a good night.”

I heard how Hobi whispered something to his friend.

“Areum..please one last chance and after this you can go back to hating me. That’s what I deserve but please.” I turned around and what I saw shocked me more than anything. Namjoon was kneeling on the ground. Eyes fixed on his hands and his head was bowed. 

“Please.” He begged. His voice was filled with regret and pain. He slowly looked up again and our eyes connected. Now his were filled with tears which looked ready to flow. It hurt me so much to see him like this. I probably looked the same last year. My mind was telling me that I should turn around again and leave him there but my heart whispered ‘Give him the chance. You still have some love for him in you.’ 

My heart won so I slowly nodded and said, “Okay..I will just tell Jackson and Elena that they can go home without me.”

“Really ? You will give me this opportunity ?” Namjoons eyes widened. It looked kinda cute.

“Seems like it. Please don’t let me regret this.”

“You won’t.” He jumped up and a shy smile was forming on his lips.

“Where shall we meet ?” I asked

“At the park nearby ? It’s just around the corner so you  should definitely find it.”

“Okay..See you then.”

I don’t believe that I’m doing this. Why do I always have to listen to my heart instead of my heart. ‘That’s easy girl because you still love him and you always wanted an explanation for his behaviour.’

“YOU WHAT ?” Jackson yelled while I told them about the situation and that I’m going to meet Namjoon. “This freaking asshole..How dare he shows up here and expects you to accept his stupid apology. I always thought he is smart but it seems like he lost some brain cells.”  

"Jackson shut up." Elena said. "I bet Areum has her reasons and thought this through."

I could only nod because in my head I was already in the park. I really hope this won't be a disaster. 

"Guys.." I whispered. "Did I ever tell you how much I love you. Thank you for everything. But I have…" I was on the verge of tears again "..I have to meet Namjoon. I need an explanation and answers to my questions and this is probably my only chance." 

"I understand you Areum. I hope you won't regret this decision and I'm kinda proud of you that you listened to your heart instead of your mind." Elena said and when I looked at her a proud smile was plastered on her face. 

"I don't think it's a good idea because I don't want to see you so devastated again but you won't listen to me." Jackson complained.

"I won't." 

"See so why am I even trying to hold you back."

"Because you are a great friend Jackson." I smiled and went to him to pull him into a hug. 

"I already know this but shouldn't you listen to me if I'm this great of a friend." I chuckled.

"Probably but you know the more you tell me I shall not do certain things the more I want to do it. So please bring Elena home and I will text you as soon as I'm home after the talk."

After I let Jackson go I got pulled into a hug by Elena.

"You can do this and I'm pretty sure you both need this talk." She whispered into my ear.

"I know.." She squeezed my shoulders before I took a step back and waved at them when they drove off the parking lot.

'I can do this. Areum don't be a coward. You've wanted an explanation. Now you will get it.’

I walked to the park while my mind felt like a prison. I wasn’t so sure anymore if I made the right decision but I can’t and won’t turn back now. I was a coward for way too long.

As soon as I entered the park my eyes drifted to the spot Namjonn was waiting for me. He was sitting on a bench. His eyes closed and he faced the sky as if he was tanning. He looked like he wanted to calm down. It was quite a sight to behold. I could have stared at this handsome man for eternity. He looked like a bittersweet dream.

I stepped closer and cleared my throat. This made him lower his head and open the eyes.

“You really came.” He sounded a bit surprised and a shy smile lighted up his face but it didn’t reach his eyes nor his dimples appeared which was quite a shame but made things a bit easier.

“Yes. I kind of promised you to give you an opportunity to explain yourself. So here I am or did you really think I wouldn’t come ?” 

“Areum...I really don’t know what I think right now or what I thought when I’ve spotted you in this corridor.”

“Aha...so if you don’t know what to think. I can also go again.”

“NO !” Namjoon grabbed my hand and pulled me on the bench he sat on. For a few minutes we were quiet. I think we tried to untangle our thoughts.

“Areum before I begin to explain everything to you..I want to say..Thank you for giving me this chance. I know it’s not a matter of course.” He took a deep breath and then took both of my hands in his while our eyes found each other. I saw the honesty, regret, hope and pure adoration in his brown orbs.

He took a stuttering breath before he began to speak.

“So the reason why I left you like this was…”

#kimnamjoon #rm #rm x oc #heartbreak #sad #being emotional #ex boyfriend #drama #romance #swearing #bts #junghoseok #bts fanfic #bts fanfction #love #ex lover #ex love back

[ramabear]

Hello! I would first and foremost I would like to extend my thanks for the amazing quality and content of your account on Ao3. Secondly I want to ask, this is purely out of curiosity and I mean no harm, you can ignore this if you want, but I recently saw that you have lost interest in Bk/Dk and that's completely okay, that happens, so I'd like to ask if you're still planning to continue SIAOD and your plans for it? I hope you have a nice day :^)

hey, thanks for the thanks :) i got some weird shit on ao3 (i am aware bc i just fukin read through some old shit the other day and oooof lmao some of those fics are terrifying). anyway for your other question this gets kinda long so lmao, under a cut my dude

There are a couple of things with the finishing of siaod that i’m struggling with working through. 

part of it is a disinterest in bnha as a whole, not just in the shipping aspect of the fic. 

part of it is the complexity of the thing and making sure i get it done right and the way that i want without it just growing even longer and larger in scope? like, timelinewise there’s really not much more i want to cover before the end, but those bits are rather intense bits

part of it is, probably, a fear that i’m just not going to be able to make the ending satisfying enough to justify the wait + the length of the read :/

part of it is also that there are core changes that i could make, might make? if i were writing this all now and not when i did 

part of it is that the instigation for this writing and, weirdly, most of the bnha writing ive done is tangentially related to this other Real Life Thing thats just,,, not in the state that it was when i started siaod. its hard to explain but there’s.. stuff going on there lmao

and part of it is that im struggling to write much of anything right now. i fell a bit out of the habit of daily writing in february, binged critrole, binged the malazan books and now im just struggling to come home after work and create. its kind of a problem because of Various Reasons but what can you do, u know? 

there are lots of other little various reasons which range from really dumb and kind of petty to the ones listed here to other ones i’d just rather not bring up thanks, but it all boils down to Siaod being a Thing I Want To Finish but every attempt to continue from where it is ends in me starting, stopping, scrapping, starting again, stopping again, scrapping again and then getting fed up and working on something else, like a naruto fic that’s a bit easier

i know you guys want to have the ending to siaod. i know i hyped the fuck out of it while i was writing it. i know why i’ve stopped writing it. i’ve been trying to continue, i really have been going back and fiddling with the parts ive got half formed, i’ve made outlines, i’ve got the ending In View but like... yeah

one day, i want to finish it. one day, i want to actually stick to the fucking lesson of not posting shit that’s not finished lmao. 

sorry that this got long and sorry its probably a lot but thats whats (mostly) up with siaod. its gonna be in limbo until i can get my mcfucking act together 

#rama replies #siaod related #long post #the-carcinogeneticist

[whythewords]

Days 57 - 63: Off days on days off

My reading week break has just flown by. It's not quite over yet, couple more days. I'd like to say I spent the majority of it being productive but that would be a bold-faced lie. It's been equal parts relaxing, and dreading the depths of unproductiveness. Regretting abut time that may have been better spent is an unhealthy practice, I've been through it plenty of times to know this.

There were bright spots. I finished a song and even a bonus demo for February for the song-a-month thing I'm doing. Neither of them really lit me up but I did get 'em done. Was hoping to record some new covers or originals to post on social media, and while I didn't quite feel up to doing that (or I kept scrapping the stuff I did record because it didn't feel up to snuff) I DID play a lot of guitar over the last couple of days, and that feels nice.

This week, more than in quite some time, I've felt a couple of those nagging negative feelings. Being granted a bunch of free time allows for more time alone with my thoughts, and more time thinking about how to spend free time on my own. I was hit hard with the now very familiar feeling of longing for privacy and my own space, and fretting about whether or not I'll eventually be able to have my own place and how long that's gonna take.

The loneliness also crept back in. I gave in and reinstalled a couple of the dating apps again, but I didn't do any swiping and I don't plan to. Something about them being there and the random affirmation of someone just happening to like something on my profile (which actually did happen a couple of times in the last few days) is enough for me at this point. Granted, I wasn't interested in either person who did like my page, but there may come a day that I am interested. Until then I can ignore. I still don't quite know what I am with regards to this relationship thing. I mostly think it's still not really a relationship thing to me at all. I THINK I'd like something casual, but there is just so much going against me with that idea. For one, it's never been me, not my MO. I'm sure I can change that and part of me would like to, but I don't even know where I would begin, especially mid-pandemic and in the schooling/working/living situation I'm in. Also, I'm 35 years old, aren't I too old for that shit now? On the other hand, now, at 35, after a separation, in the middle of a complete 180 career/life change kinda seems like the perfect time to explore a little and have fun...but again, these circumstances are still far from normal. Maybe part of me just wants to hang around on the apps so someone else somehow catches wind of it and surmises that I'm doing okay, that I'm moving on well. That ain't healthy of course, but it could be worse I suppose.

I took a little break from my phone this afternoon/evening with the exception of hitting the play button on a couple of podcasts while I was cooking. There's my gratitude for this entry: the little break from the phone was probably well-needed....and I cooked today. Eggplant parm again, and although it felt like a disaster as I was wrapping it up it actually turned out pretty great, maybe even better than last time, and my folks were appreciative.

Tomorrow, well...today (it's almost 1am, yikes) I'm going to see some friends to continue the Pokemon D&D session we've been doing and I am...not excited. I'm not sure why. I usually am, and I love those guys, but I just haven't felt like myself these last couple of days. Not a complete swerve or anything just..something feels off. Just my mood, almost certainly. Should get better once I'm in the thick of the game and having fun. I think I'm just bummed because I know that Sunday (technically tomorrow now) is gonna be my last day of reading week and I'll need to put in some time studying for my last mid-term, and then Monday it's back to the grind, and Thursday I actually have to physically go back to class which I was hoping to not have to do. It'll be an adjustment, but I'll make it all work.

I always do.

Goodnight folks.

#life of joe #not so daily journal

[aswithasunbeam]

Hey! I love your fics soo(get it Soo) much! Could you please make a fluffy A Winter's Ball/a night in Morristown Hamliza fic?I'd really appreciate it.

Ha! I love that! And I’d love to do more fluffy Morristown stories!! They’re one of my favorite things to write! I actually wrote a really long piece set in Morristown over on my AO3 account, which you might not have seen as I haven’t cross-posted here on tumblr. It’s called “A Winter’s Romance” and the overall vib is pretty fluffy, though there is some angst thrown in for good measure :)

Here’s a link and an except from the first chapter, if you’re interested!

[Read on AO3]

February 1780

“Is this your shirt?” Tilghman asked, digging through a pile of clothes that had yet to be laundered. His jacket had been discarded, his breeches were half undone and the shirt he had on had been untucked. All in all, he looked like a disheveled mess, which was unfortunate, as the dancing assembly was to start in less than an hour’s time.

Hamilton looked over at the bright white linen in Tilghman’s hands and shook his head. Not only was the shirt too large for him, but his clothes had all been mended and washed too many times to look that white. “Must be Mac’s,” he suggested as he yanked fresh breeches over his hips.

Tilghman frowned, looking around the room with an intensely puzzled expression. “What’s happened to all my shirts?”

Hamilton tried to stifle a laugh. “Would you like to borrow one of mine?”

“Yours would make me look like a chubby giant,” Tilghman refused.

Hamilton did laugh this time. “Just wear the one you have on, then.”

“This one smells.”

“Well, I don’t know how to help you,” Hamilton said with amusement as he pulled on his uniform jacket. He ran his hand over his chin and considered shaving again.

“I want to look my best. Do you know who just arrived in town today?” Tilghman’s eyes lit up with excitement. Hamilton shook his head, and his friend continued, “General Schuyler’s daughter, Elizabeth. We met some time ago when I was negotiating with the Six Nations. She’s twenty-two, now, and still unattached. She’s supposedly visiting her aunt, Doctor Cochran’s wife, but it’s obvious she’s on the hunt for a husband.”

Elizabeth Schuyler. The name conjured the image of striking black eyes and a warm smile. He’d met the young lady some time ago when he was in Albany trying to pry troops loose from the greedy hands of General Gates. General Schuyler had invited him to dine, although most of his family was away. Elizabeth had been at home, however, and she had more than upheld the Schuyler reputation for hospitality. He didn’t remember the conversation exactly, but he remembered laughing a great deal.

“And you’re hoping to oblige her in her quest?” Hamilton asked. Tilghman had just turned thirty-five that Christmas, so there was something of an age difference, but he doubted it would prove much of an obstacle if the girl was willing.

“She’s a lovely young woman,” Tilghman replied diplomatically. Hamilton took that to be a firm yes. “She’s traveling with Catharine Livingston. Aren’t you acquainted with her family?”  

Kitty Livingston’s name hit him like a swift kick to the abdomen. He’d been utterly infatuated with the beautiful heiress when he’d boarded with her family before he’d started at King’s. He’d gone so far as to write her a love letter. She’d rejected him in no uncertain terms. He was still trying to disentangle himself from Cornelia Lott after his disastrous meeting with her father. The prospect of a night with both Cornelia and Kitty made him feel vaguely ill.

“Ham?” Tilghman prompted.

“Hm?” He hummed, pulled from his thoughts. “Oh, yes. I’m very well acquainted with the Livingstons.”

“You wouldn’t mind entertaining Miss Livingston a bit, would you? Just so I might have the chance to speak with Miss Schuyler alone?”

Hamilton met his friend’s hopeful eyes and found himself nodding. What was a bit more humiliation and misery, after all, if it might bring his friend happiness?

~*~

Lively music and a roaring fire greeted Hamilton and Tilghman as they entered the hall where the dancing assembly was held. A table was set up in the corner with what passed for a feast in these conditions: two pots of stew, assorted root vegetables, and a very meager chicken that had already been almost entirely consumed.

“Colonel Hamilton,” Cornelia’s high voice came from just behind him.

He turned and saw that she had been waiting by the door. “Miss Lott,” he replied, bending low and pressing a kiss to her outstretched hand. “You’re looking well.”

“Oh, I’m very well, Colonel.” She gave him a tiny, hopeful smile. “I hope you are, also. I’ve missed seeing you the past few weeks.”

“I’ve been…very busy,” he said vaguely.

She nodded rapidly, clinging on to the excuse like a lifeline. “I thought you must be.”

An awkward pause followed as he searched for something to say. He didn’t want to raise her hopes, and he was still too embarrassed and stung to tell her about his humiliating meeting with her father. And what good would telling her do anyway, he thought; knowing would only cause a rift between her and her father. As he was standing there staring at her, the band struck up a new song.

“Would you like to dance, Colonel?”

“I…” He hesitated. If he danced with her, she’d think there was still hope for them. The only way forward he could see was to break her heart. Being cruel now would be kinder in the end, he told himself. “No, Miss Lott.”

Her whole face fell. She blinked at him, as if waiting for him to take it back, or to explain.

“I’m sorry,” he told her. Then he turned away.

He felt like a monster.

He spotted Tilghman, McHenry, Webb, and Richard Meade standing in a group near the food and he made his way towards them. Mac slapped him on the back companionably when he stopped beside him. Tilghman shook his head. “Poor Polly. Looks as though you’ve just torn her heart out.”

He refused to look back. Plastering the same fake smile he’d been wearing more and more of late, he said, “You know how it goes.”

“Onwards to the next conquest,” Webb laughed.

“That chicken didn’t make for much of a feast,” Hamilton commented, desperate to change to subject. The conversation mercifully turned to dreams of feasts after the war.

Tilghman tugged at his sleeve a few minutes later.

“Mrs. Washington is done speaking with Miss Schuyler and Miss Livingston,” Tilghman whispered, his eyes focused somewhere to the left. Hamilton followed his gaze and saw the two young ladies were standing by the fireplace, speaking quietly to each other.

Hamilton nodded for his friend to go first, and followed a pace behind as they made their way to the girls.

“Miss Schuyler, how wonderful to see you again,” Tilghman proclaimed as they approached.

“Colonel Tilghman,” Miss Schuyler greeted him warmly. “I did not know I’d be graced with your company tonight.”

Tilghman bent low to kiss her hand.

“Might I present Colonel Hamilton? He’s a dear friend of mine,” Tilghman added, gesturing back to him without turning around.

“I had the pleasure of meeting Miss Schuyler when I dined with her family in Albany,” he stated, bowing and kissing her hand as well. When he stood, he found her dark eyes scrutinizing his face. He smiled tightly at her, sure she didn’t remember the meeting. She must have dined with the whole Continental Army by this point, with Philip Schuyler for a father.

He turned his attention to Kitty. “Miss Livingston,” he greeted, bowing to her this time. He then introduced Tilghman, who repeated the ritual.  

“Did you have a pleasant journey?” Tilghman asked, his eyes glued to Miss Schuyler.

Hamilton turned his attention to Kitty. “It’s been quite a while since we’ve last spoken.”

Kitty nodded, her eyes tracking over his uniform and lingering on his rank insignia. “You’ve done well for yourself since then, Hammy,” she noted, smiling warmly at him. “I’m very glad to see it.”

He thanked her softly. Glancing to the side, he saw Tilghman had fully engaged with Miss Schuyler in conversation about her travels from Albany. He smiled and held out a hand to Kitty. “Would you care to dance, Miss Livingston?”

“It would be my pleasure, Colonel,” she agreed. As he lead her towards the dance floor, she leaned in to him and added, “I see Colonel Tilghman has wasted no time in staking a claim for my dear Betsey.”  

They shared a smile as they positioned themselves to join the dance.

~*~

His breath created a great puff of white smoke in the frigid air as he leaned against the porch rail. The music from inside was still audible, but dulled by the closed front door. There were torches glowing along the walkway that provided fairly good light, but hardly any warmth. Still, a moment of solitude was well worth braving the bitter cold.

Miss Livingston had quickly found dancing partners, lovely and eligible as she was. Cornelia seemed to have departed the party shortly after their talk. Tilghman was happily monopolizing Miss Schuyler. Everyone inside seemed paired off and content, leaving him free to slip outside.

He missed John. He missed having a dear, loyal companion, someone with whom he could talk and laugh. Someone to drive away his darkest thoughts on these cold, lonely nights.

He may as well get used to being alone, he thought harshly. No man was ever going to consent to having him for a son-in-law. Cornelia’s broken heart would be a warning to him to never attempt to love again.

The music swelled suddenly, then dulled again with the sound of the front door closing. He turned to see Elizabeth Schuyler stepping out onto the front porch. She smiled at him.

“Are you well, Colonel? I saw you stepping outside, and I was concerned.”

He forced another smile. “Quite well, thank you. I was just a bit warm from dancing.”

She nodded, then stepped closer to him, leaning against the rail as well.

“It’s a beautiful night,” she commented mildly, her face turned up towards the sky.

He followed her gaze, looking up at the nearly full moon and the bright stars dotting the dark winter sky. “Yes, it is,” he agreed. “Though it is terribly cold.”

She laughed. “I’m from Albany. I’m quite used to the cold.”

“I wish I were,” he replied.

“I suppose you never had to deal with these kinds of conditions in the Caribbean.”

He nodded, then his brow furrowed. “Did you recognize my accent?”

“No,” she said simply. She glanced over at him and smiled again. The expression made her eyes sparkle, he noticed. “You mentioned you were from Saint Croix when you dined with my family in Albany.”

He cocked his head to the side, surprised. “I didn’t think you remembered.”

“Of course I do.”

“It’s just, I know you must have dinner with officers all the time,” he tried to explain, hoping she didn’t think he accusing her of being rude or ill-mannered.

“That is true,” she laughed. “But you made an impression.”

He laughed as well. “Is that a compliment or an insult?”

She gave him a considering look. “I suppose we’ll find out,” she said coyly.

He grinned and nodded.

A companionable silence followed, their attention turning back to the still winter night.

“Did you really come out here because you were warm from dancing?” she asked suddenly.

He looked back at her, and found he wanted to answer honestly. “No. I’ve been feeling a little low of late. And, due to some unfortunate circumstances, I had to hurt someone’s feelings tonight. I suppose I’m simply not in the merry-making spirit.”

Her expression was compassionate. She reached out a hand tentatively, laying it lightly on his upper arm. “I saw you standing out here from the window,” she told him. “You looked…lonely.”

“So you came to keep me company?” he asked.

She nodded as she removed her hand. “You can tell me if I’m intruding.”

He shook his head. “I’m enjoying your company,” he assured her.

She smiled again. A moment of silence followed, before she began to speak again, easily changing topics. “I was speaking to Mrs. Washington earlier. She was telling me about her work with the sick and wounded soldiers, and she promised to take me with her on one of her visits. I do hope I can make myself useful while I’m here.”

“I’m sure the men would appreciate your assistance,” he told her sincerely.

“Is there anything else I could do to help? Mrs. Washington told me you would know best what needed doing.”

He felt a flicker of pride at the compliment from the dear old lady. Considering a moment, he asked, “Can you knit? Sew?”

She nodded.

“We always need hats, mittens, scarfs and the like. And many of the men have clothes that need mending. That would certainly be a help.”

Her eyes dropped to his hands gripping at the railing. “Do you have any mittens, Colonel?”

He looked down at his chapped hands and shook his head. “I had a pair, but they wore out last winter. I haven’t had the chance to replace them.”

“I’ll knit you a pair first,” she said decisively. “From what I’ve heard, your pen is our country’s best hope of winning this war. Whatever would we do if you developed frost bite?”

“I’d be most obliged to you, Miss Schuyler.”

“Speaking of frost bite, I think perhaps we should go back inside,” she suggested. She chuckled as she looked at him. “Your nose has turned bright red with cold.”

He nodded. She turned and pulled open the front door, light and music pouring out. Looking back at him, she made a little motion with her head to urge him on. As he followed her inside, he felt a smile stretching his face again. A real smile.

Well, he thought, that was just…so inconvenient.

#morristown #prompt #a winter's romance #hamilton fanfic #hamliza #ask

[firstumcschenectady]

"God's Peace – In the Midst of the Storm” based on Psalm 107:1-3, 23-32 and Mark 4:35-41

Two years ago at the Upper New York Annual Conference, Bishop Sandra Steiner Ball guest preached for the ordination and commissioning service. She preached on this text, and what she said was memorable enough that I can no longer hear this passage without her interpretation of it.

You may remember that two years ago the United Methodist world was in turmoil over the passage of “The Traditional Plan” at the 2019 Special Session of General Conference. That is, our denomination has been explicitly homophobic since 1972. Thanks to the decades of work by organizers, activists, and people of conscience there was sufficient pressure to create change. A special session of our denomination's global legislative was called to respond to the church's continued exclusion of God's LGBTQIA+ people. There were several proposals on the table that brought positive change, and one that multiplied the harm already being done.

I still remember standing in shock after the final vote was taken, and watching my phone explode with the global news outlet alerts that – as the NYTimes put it “United Methodists Tighten Ban on Same-Sex Marriage and Gay Clergy.” The homophobia of this denomination had already been an abomination, yet people stayed knowing that the best way to bring change was from the inside. It was long, hard work, but we had felt confidence that God's Spirit of Love would win in the long run. The decision to pass the Traditional Plan changed all that, and made it clear that over the long run people of conscience CANNOT stay in a homophobic denomination.

That was February. We were still reeling, grieving, and furious when Annual Conference came. Thanks be to God, we'd also organized, and Upper New York will be sending a very different delegation to the next General Conference (whenever the pandemic allows that to happen). Nevertheless, the conviction remained for progressives and even many moderates: one way or another, we will NOT STAY in a homophobic denomination. One way or another, we will be part of a church that welcomes all of God's people, and soon.

It was into that reality that Bishop Steiner Ball preached. And she did so as a guest preacher in an Annual Conference whose Bishop had been a leader in writing and passing The Traditional plan. She took this passage and asked us to stay in the boat with Jesus. She acknowledged the storm raging around us, she named the reasons we would have to simply bail on the entire endeavor, she made space for hurt, anger, and fear. At the same time, she claimed that Jesus was in the boat with us, in the midst of the storm, and powerful enough to respond to the storm. She believed that Jesus could bring resolution, IF we just stayed in the boat. She offered that while the storm was raging so strongly it could be tempting to just jump into the sea, that the sea itself was not without its own issues. She urged us to stay long enough for Jesus to act, to bring resolution, to find a way forward for the people called Methodists.12

Here we are, two years later, still in that storm, and still with Jesus. The biggest change is that with the global pandemic, we are dealing with multiple storms at once. The storm that is the pandemic keeps United Methodists from gathering to split into different denominations that will be able to live their own faith with integrity. The storm that is the church's homophobia prevents the denomination from being able to speak with moral authority, even of issues of death and dying brought on by the pandemic.

So here we are, in a boat, in the midst of raging storms. But, Bishop Steiner Ball says that Jesus is in the boat with us. Further, she reminds us that Jesus is able to calm the storms.

I am aware that the global pandemic storms, and the global church storms are themselves far from the only storms attacking our boats.

In truth, I suspect that for many of us the storms raging most strongly are inside us. Narratives and traumas from our childhoods continue to attack within. Existential anxiety has its way with us, often in ways we don't even see. Assumptions about others, fear of the the unknown, and a tendency to see enemies were there are only people who are different also keep us on the defensive. The whole world turning upside down on us, not yet being righted, and likely to find a balance somewhere other than where it used to be obviously doesn't help either. People are comforted by the familiar, which means that the past 15 months have been particularly discomforting at exactly the time we've most needed comfort.

Which is all to say that I think there are storms raging within us, probably all of us to a greater or lesser extent.

To support this theory, mental health professionals have never been so busy. Now, I'd say that in an ideal world, we'd all get regular mental health care as a means of simply being healthy. But most of the time, most people don't seek mental health care until they're well into a crisis/storm and can't find their way out alone. So very busy mental health care professionals is a signal that many people are really struggling.

There isn't anything wrong with struggling. It is a human reality. The “Disciple Bible Study” curriculums call such things “the human condition.” There isn't actually anything wrong with being in a storm. It is also a human condition, and quite often it is well out of our control.

That said, being in the midst of a storm, particularly one like our scriptures talk about today are NOT comfortable. These are the sorts of storms that make it seem more likely that death is on the horizon than life.

And Jesus sleeps through it.

Either he was beyond exhaustion, or he was living non-anxious presence or both. Impressive, Jesus.

The story says Jesus awoke, rebuked the storm, and rebuked the disciples. I feel like it forgets to tell us that he then curled back up and went back to sleep. The storm was silenced. The disciples were awed.

I wonder if any of the storms that rage within us are ones that God would be happy to silence and bring to peace, if we were willing to let God do it. I suspect so. Some storms we are aren't ready to let go of. Some storms just aren't done yet. But some of them are only causing us harm, and are ready to be silenced.

Can you tell? Can you feel any of them that have run their course and would be response to “peace, be still!”? Can you even imagine what life would be like without that storm?

To go back to the storm we started with, I learned about the church's homophobia when I was 13, and started working against it then. I have worked for and dreamed of being a part of a big-C Church that welcomes, affirms, and loves all of God's people. You have too. This church has been explicitly committed to changing the UMC's life-denying policies for 25 years now, and was already committed to it before then too!

Yet, it boggles my mind to try to imagine life without this fight – or at least changing this fight from one fighting explicit policy to fighting implicit bias. My identity will need a reboot.

And I think that's often true of our internal storms too. We're used to them. They're familiar. They're a part of who we are, and we aren't entirely sure who we'd be without them.

But, friends, that's exactly what God is there for. God doesn't want to leave us in the pain of the past, or even the anxiety of the present. God is a source of healing, and energy of revival, a vision for wholeness, a hope for the future. Some of the things we're afraid to give up, God is ready to take away.

God's peace is stronger than the storms. God's peace can hold its own EVEN in the midst of the BIGGEST storms. It has a different kind of strength. It has a deeper kind of being.

So I invite you, to hear the words of Jesus resound in your soul. “Peace, be still.” And I invite you to listen to see what storms God has silenced. Because God is up to good in you, in us, in the world, and when we make space for it, God can transform even the most hurting parts of us. Thanks be to God!

Amen

1Please note that these are my memories of a sermon I heard 2 years ago. As memories are faulty, and tend to have holes filled in with one's own assumptions, this is likely a high bred of what she said and what I wanted to hear and remember.

2 I take no authority to tell anyone they need to stay in the UMC boat. There are good reasons to leave, all the more for people who are LGBTQIA+. I'm sharing that it was meaningful to me, knowing that I'm not the center.

#Thinking Church #Progressive Christianity #Bishop Sandra Steiner Ball #Upper New York Annual Confernece #FUMC Schenectady #schenectady #umc #Sorry about the UMC #Rev Sara E Baron #Stay in the boat with Jesus

[muted-emotionn]

She's Got To Be Crazy

"Mmm..." she groans softly, her face still half buried in the pillow. "Where are you going?"

I stop dead in my tracks and look over my shoulder, meeting her eyes that aren't exactly open that much. But she's squinting.

I smile smally and reach out in hopes she'd grab my hand and join me. "Breakfast. Come with?"

"In your kitchen?"

"Our kitchen," I correct.

"Pancakes?"

"Waff--" she arches an eyebrow in a way I know she's unimpressed so I change my answer. "Both. Now would you come on? My hand is getting tired."

"Your hand and I have something in common."

She turns her head and faces the wall across from us, her hair sprawling out in a messy state, bare back and shoulders barely covered by the satin blanket. I drop my hand and bow my head in defeat. Still stealing a glance for double reassurance she's not getting up, I chuckle sheepishly and back out of the room slowly.

"Well if you change your mind..."

The batter drips off my fingertips, though not for long as I swiftly dip my head and collect the remaining droplets successfully, earning the delicious taste on my tongue, lingering and daring me to taste some more. The pancakes are done, the waffles are done. Table for two with small portions of bacon and egg whites on one plate, and just the egg whites on the other. I debate having coffee or tea, and end up settling for apple juice instead. Then I debate apple juice actually tasting like apples or just my brain tricking me into thinking it does. I often think myself into a small box at the dining table when dining alone. I've been dining alone since the dreadful month that is February. It is now May and I'd like to think that company got tired of its vacation and returned home to me because I earned it. Reality swoops in and reminds me it's just my own insanity that invited it over.

So as I scarf down my waffles in a manner that depicts me as someone who hasn't eaten in weeks, out she comes in an oversized button down white sleeved shirt and socks to match. Her hair is slightly less messier, her eyes aren't wide open but at least they're more visible. She sits across me and immediately digs in. I twirl my fork between my fingers and watch her with a tender gaze. I love watching her. She always senses when I am because she looks up from her half eaten plate and meets my eyes.

"Do I have..food anywhere--"

"No, no. No," I shake my head. "You're just really beautiful."

Her cheeks flush, the pink colour giving a sense of life to her presence. She tilts her head to the side and sweeps a whole bunch of hair behind her shoulder, revealing colours of a rainbow that happens to be bruises on her neck. I swallow harshly and quickly look away, staring blankly at the lonely strip of bacon below me.

"You're still really sweet," she says.

I don't respond. She doesn't think much of it though, she just finishes her breakfast and leaves the plate spotless; it appears as if I've never served her anything at all.

"So. Whatcha' thinkin' about?" she asks me.

How can she seem like she's fine? There's a certain glow to her. Literally. And there's not an ounce of worry in her, even if she's got bruises all over the sides of her neck. Even if it's pouring rain out and she hates when it rains.

"Hey," her cold hands rest on mine, her thumb brushing against the back of it soothingly. "Something heavy on your mind?"

More like my chest.

"No," I flash a quick smile and lie. "Everything is fine."

"Yeah?" her voice is low and sweet. It gets like that when she's trying to tell me she won't push me to say what's really on my mind. I will always be thankful for that.

Neither of us speak for a brief moment. It gives us time to hear the faint sound of music playing in the background somewhere. I forgot I had left the stereo on. We share a knowing look and she lets her hand hang with a finger pointing to nowhere in particular.

"This song? Really?" she says while getting up.

I shrug my shoulders. I forgot what I had left playing, and I can't really hear the lyrics. "What's playing?"

She wanders over to the stereo and turns up the volume, then ends up at my side with her hands out excitedly.

"Come on. We always dance to this, remember?"

The song that's played the first night I saw her. The song that has been playing on loop since February. There's a pang of sadness that hits for a second only to be replaced by the closeness of our bodies when she pulls me out of my seat and into her embrace.

'He's in for a heartbreak,

If it's all been blind faith

From my point of view.

Baby, hes got to be crazy'

She places her hands on my hips and mimics my movement by moving her own. Our eyes pour into each other's so deeply, pupils so enlargened, it makes actual blackholes look like child's play.

'Livin like he's John Wayne.

Always facing the world

And chasing the girl'

I spin her out and back into my arms, singing along in her ear softly, "baby, she's got to be crazy."

She smiles and shuts her eyes, melting into me as we move to the slow beat of the song that will forever haunt me for as long as I live. I turn her around and bring our hands together that started out at our sides and slowly end up above our heads.

'He's got so much in his heart,

But he doesn't know what to do.

All he wants is her

Lying inside his room.

He's always feeling cheated

Telling all the secrets

That I couldn't keep'

"Baby, she's got to be crazy," I press my forehead against hers, our hands slowly dropping to the height of our shoulders. There's this look of purity and innocence to her. She genuinely seems happy. It feels like I've met her all over again. As we dance in a circle around our dining room, she dances around my heart like the very first time.

I spin, and so does she, now she's in my arms, dipped over with my hand on the small of her back to support her. I gently bring her back up and caress her cheek that is even colder than her hand. I wince and lean in to kiss the cold spot on her cheek, in hopes I'd warm it up. It doesn't work. She notices what I'm doing by the frustrated look on my face and smiles sadly.

"You're exactly that, baby," she says cryptically.

"Exactly what?"

"Crazy," she refers to the song as the singer says it for the last time.

I furrow my eyebrows and stop dancing, standing still in front of her nervously. "What do you mean by that?"

"You haven't left your house in a very long time because of me. You won't let me go anywhere else, you keep me here and locked up in your room. That's crazy," she finally addresses what we've both been avoiding for the longest time now. "Don't get me wrong, I love being here with you, but you're going to have to let me go at some point. Otherwise you'd drive yourself crazier when you slowly begin to realise I'm not real anymore."

"Please don't say that," I shut my eyes and fight against covering my ears and her mouth. The problem is I love listening to her talk. "You are. You're right here. With me. That's all that matters."

"Baby--"

"Don't say it like that. Let's just enjoy this a little more."

"The song--"

"It'll play again, don't worry."

"It's about to end. The song is going to end."

And it does. And I'm alone again. She does this to me everytime, and when she returns, she just reminds me I do it to myself.

[frogsandfries]

Real Talk

Having almost all day, every day, to work on these charms is great. Watching my inventory pile up is a good feeling. Imagining packaging and jewelry sets and curating bracelets; trying to imagine the different ways I can breathe life into this small business--it's all really nice.

However, 2018 was my worst year as far as being employed. Real talk, I spent most of 2018 allowing myself to follow someone who seems more content than I am to kind of just drift around, being lost and maybe waiting for something to click or go right. Maybe he thought he had a plan; maybe he was convinced he actually had a plan. I don't think so.

Don't get me wrong; I still think about him. Even though he hurt me, whether he meant to or not, whether he's a bad friend or just bad at time management, he's a friend with whom I have a long history. It does hurt my feelings that he hasn't messaged me back since the end of February and that he hasn't checked my message to him since the beginning of March. But I still think of him; I hope he's brushing his hair, which is to say, I hope he's taking care of himself.

However, moving around so much has hurt my employment history, and I'm having trouble finding work. I probably would have stayed at the cafe in Arizona, but I couldn't rent on my own, and I ran out of time essentially, to find a work-around. Shitty enough, he said he wouldn't be friends with me if I stayed with his parents and he had to leave; I figured I would lose his friendship anyway, if I left. He might disagree with this verdict, but what else would you call it when your so-called friend hasn't even looked at your last message in almost a month? Like, at least let me know you're okay, asshole.

I know I'm here so I can focus on myself, but my work history is trashed and I'd be up a creek without the support I have here in Wisconsin. This support is how I've been able to focus on my work while I look for a job. However, I'm coming up on a month looking for a job that I'll stick with. I've had two and a half live interviews (and now I'm thinking I should have just tried to stick out the interview that was offering a totally different job from what I was there for), and a phone interview. I've done several more applications and even made a few fruitless phone calls.

There aren't many jobs left that I know of, that I can access using the resources immediately available to me, that I qualify for and can easily access, that I haven't applied for. I don't know if the president is still bragging about job creation and unemployment rates, but I'm not really seeing it. Of course, maybe it's time to go somewhere where I'm almost guaranteed to walk away with a job.

Or...............maybe it's time.

Maybe it's time to take matters into my own hands. Instead of hoarding my charms and building up my stock, maybe it's time to just get my work into the public eye. There are so many ways to do that; I just have to pick one to start. Obviously, it would have been best to start around a holiday season, but at the rate I'm going, it will be a holiday before I get a job. Also, I'll be out of polyclay well before a holiday.

The first thing I want to purchase when I've made my first couple sales is more clay. I do need to use my cool colors more; currently, most of my work uses a lot of red, brown, orange, black and white, and some yellow and a smidge of pink.

Until I start making listings and getting my work into the public eye, it really is just going to sit and collect metaphorical dust anyway. I might as well take a brave stab at earning back at least something. I would say "now" to try to estimate how much I should try charging, but I was exhausted when I woke up. I didn't really intend to write a post this evening, but I'm really frustrated. Two job rejections came in today and I've been looking for like a month, I started looking from Arizona. I have this potential source of income and instead of plastering it all over the internet, I'm concerned with it not being ready, or something happening like last time where I'm almost ready when I get knocked off my balance.

It IS a finished product: Glue, glaze, photograph, list. Bam. Done. I guess really thinking about it, as long as I make it clear that work is sold as-is, they aren't toys, I don't offer repairs or refunds, there's no reason for me to not put myself out there. What is the worst that can happen? That someone meets me to purchase one of my charms and instead of paying for it, they use a weapon and steal it. Maybe they accuse me of stealing from them. Maybe I give out a business card and get spammed with nasty emails or viruses.

Realistically, someone buys my work and emails me a week later to complain their child broke it or their dog ate it. Or maybe they love it and email to request more. Or everyone complains my work is too expensive--they could get the same thing on eBay for a quarter that price.

But also, without a drying system, glazing my charms is a hassle and I would rather use my time feeling productive. Oh wait, I have an idea. I need to make a note.

[books--andt]

Before I Fall by Lauren Oliver Review and Discussion

Hello lovely book people! Hope you're having a terrific reading year so far.

So Lauren Oliver was one of the first authors I read that gripped me. I was so attached and obsessed with her Delirium series; I couldn't put it down and it introduced me to the bookish community! That was nearly two years ago and since then I haven't read anything more by her. I know! Crazy!

Before I Fall is about a popular high school girl named Samantha Kingston. To the blind eye she has it all; popularity, a cool group of friends, a hot boyfriend. But Samantha soon realizes that these are not things that will be on her "greatest hits" list. On February 12th Samantha and her friends hit up a party and on their way home suffer a car crash. The peculiar thing about it is, Sam wakes up the next morning as if nothing happened, and once she checks the date and realizes that it's still February 12th, she understands that nothing really did happen. Sam lives February 12th over and over, frustrated and finally accepts that she must change events that happened that day to make things right.

I enjoyed this book. I had some problems with it here and there but all in all it was an interesting read that grabbed my attention and I really wanted to know how it ended. I have some deeper thoughts so I'm going to move into some spoilers now! If you haven't read this book read no further!

***SPOILERS AHEAD***

-

-

-

Alrighty hey spoiler people! So first things first- Samantha. What. A. Bitch. I had a hard time reading from her perspective and actually liking her just because of the things she'd say or do. That goes for Lindsey an her other friends as well. While Elody and Ally may not have been as mean as Lindsey, they were followers and didn't stand up for themselves or anyone else. Samantha kept saying how much she loved Lindsey ad how great she was, despite all of the things she's done wrong. But for me I just couldn't see the goodness in her. She was fake; she could drop Sam any time she wanted and make her the least popular girl in school; she was mean to others and frankly didn't give a shit about their feelings. Sure she had problems of her own, but she would never face those problems because she was scared that others would find out and *over exaggerated gasp* she'd become less popular!!

This book can really bring back memories of high school. But for me, high school wasn't about popularity or parties or any of that. So I didn't relate to that level of the book either. I've always believed in standing up for others or what you believe in, no matter what, so when Samantha would laugh until her stomach hurt about a joke that Lindsey or Ally would make about Juliet Sykes or Kent I just.... Didn't find it funny at all.

However Sam did grow on me as the story progressed, which I guess is kind of the point. Sam lives the same day, February 12th, seven times. And I get that she had to relive the same day for an entire week before she comprehended what she needed to do, but sometimes the story just felt tedious. It didn't drag for me, I thought the pacing was actually quite good, but just certain things were said over and over and it bothered me a bit.

Okay so now for the elephant in the room; the ending. OH. MY. GAWD. I honestly wasn't expecting it and I don't really know what to think or feel and I'm slightly confused. Did she actually die on the seventh day???????? Or was she dead the entire time and just had to "make things right" before she could be fully accepted in the afterlife??????

I was waiting and waiting and waiting for Samantha to have this epiphany at Kent's party and STAND THE HELL UP for Juliet in front of EVERYONE. I personally think that would have been a lot more powerful; her telling Lindsey to back off and stop people from shouting "Psycho! Psycho!" and pouring their drinks on her, rather than her just following her to the highway and saying all this crap that made ZERO sense to Juliet and trying to stop her from jumping in front of moving vehicles. Maybe my preferred ending would have been too cliche, but I just think it would've been more powerful and would actually show us readers that Samantha HAS changed.

And alas... Samantha realizes that in order to make things right, in order to stop herself from living the same day over and over, she must sacrifice her LIFE for Juliet. I understand this and Lauren Oliver did a good job surprising me and making me FEEL something but like.... gahhh!!! What about Sam's little sister?? She would be devastated. What about Kent???? He's SOOOOO confused about everything that happened between them since, to him, they haven't spoken at all in years! And Sam was always such a bitch to him, then all of a sudden she's nice, but then NOPE PSYCH she dies?????

And what about her friends??? Does she really think that killing herself is going to stop Lindsey from being a bitch to others? I'd hope that Lindsey would make the connection, and realize that Sam saved Juliet Sykes but... I just don't know.

And of course, how is Juliet Sykes supposed to feel??? She'd probably feel horrible that someone else dies for her, and she probably doesn't understand the half of why she did it!

I can only hope that all is pieced back together after Samantha sacrificed herself. But what if she was dead all along? I'm only wondering this because Samantha says something at the end of the book like, "I saw hair so bright and white it looked like a halo" and she also says she can hear Juliet saying "you saved me" and "why did you save me?" sooooo was Juliet dead all along? Did they all die in that first car crash this whole time???

All in all I liked this book. If a book makes you think about it after you've read it, if you hate some of the characters, or if you really want to know what will happen next as you read it, then the author did something right!

I'm happy I read this book before the movie comes out and I can't wait to see it. I'm liking the casting that I've seen so far. The girl who plays Lindsey looks spot on, and I think Zoey Deutch will do a good job playing Samantha.

What are your thoughts on this book or on the casting for the movie? I'd love to know!

Star rating: 3.5/5 stars.

Psssst- I've been really active on my bookstagram lately and you should totally check it out --> books_andt

Thanks for reading!

- T

#books #book #bookstagram #bookstall #before i fall #lauren oliver #booksandt #bookish favs #bookish #book blog #book blogger #book blogging #tbr #january tbr #currently reading #reading #books and reading #am reading #am writing #zoey deutch #delirium #read feed #readreadread #read and be cozy #read #Book Recommendations #recently read #book recs #i read ya #ya lovin