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athenswrites · 3 months

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Knight of Dawn: Chapter 13 [NYTF]

The next morning, Piers woke Grady up, a genuinely one in a million occurrence.

All of her lights came on at once, and she jerked awake. Grady grabbed her gun off her bedside table, looking around in alarm. Piers was crouched in her doorway, doing what she called the “paralysis demon pose”, with a strange look on their face. They were already dressed in workout gear. It was not something she wanted to see at…what time was it? “What time is it?” Grady lazily scratched at her head, not bothering to open her lens and check the time, because she knew she’d be getting 439 other notifications. Plus, her head was pounding, and she wasn’t sure she could deal with the motion.

“5:28 am. I need to fight something that will actually fight back. If I lay down in bed I think about my mom and if I pace and work, my anxiety goes through the roof.” Piers bounced nervously in their crouched position, eyes wide awake.

“You’re anxious because you’re sleep deprived. Take melatonin.” Grady flopped back down.

Piers was persistent, raising their voice. “Not my fault you’re too hungover.”

Dragging her pillow from beneath her head, she covered her ears, telling Piers off in her head-

They yanked the pillow from her, tossing it across the room. Pissed, Grady cursed at them, and they mocked her, “Too bad, so sad. If you get up now I’ll make breakfast and you can take some painkillers…..otherwise….” Piers grabbed her feet, dragging her out from beneath her warm blankets. Grady whined and kicked them away, but they wouldn’t let her go.

“It’s early….”

Then, her Lens flashed open, her morning alarm going off in her ear. With a groan, she fell to the floor, dragging her blankets with her as Piers dropped her legs.

“See you in five.” They patted her head condescendingly. Grady flipped them off, winding the blankets tighter around her freezing body, and got the same response from Piers, before they finally left her room.

Outside the window, it was still dark, but ATLZoS too was starting to wake up. Grady managed to drag herself from the floor, trailing her blankets behind her as she padded to the bathroom. The tiles froze her feet, as she fumbled for the switch, turning on the lights and the heated floors. Peering at herself in the mirror, she tugged off her bonnet and grabbed a hair tie, loosely pulling back her tight curls. She exchanged her PJs for some half-dirty workout clothes from the hamper, then headed for the common area she shared with Piers.

They stood in front of the microwave, in an intense staring contest with their reflection in the door.

“Is it just Adele or is there something else?” She asked, taking a seat at the small table.

They whipped around, hopping up on the counter a little, “I got a real bad feeling in my stomach and being with you makes it go away.”

“Thanks for giving me feelings at 5:30 am. Where’s the breakfast you promised me? And painkillers?”

With a sly smile, they reached behind them, popping open a cabinet before tossing her the bottle of acetaminophen. Then, they grabbed a cup, and filled it up at the sink. The childproof cap almost proved to be too difficult for her to open this early, but she managed, knocking two pills into the cap. She popped them into her mouth, then took the glass of water Piers offered her, downing it in one go. They took the glass back from her, setting it down by the sink. The microwave went off, and they pulled the plate out, setting it on the table.

“Are those…”

“Pizza rolls? Yes. They sounded good.” Piers didn’t let her finish, grabbing two canned coffees from the fridge and sitting them on the table as well.

“Be careful, those are h-“

Piers didn’t hear her as they popped a pizza roll into their mouth as they sat, before spitting it back out into their hand. “….hot.”

“No shit.”

The two joked back and forth, eating their shared breakfast. Before too long, the plate was empty and Grady was more coherent. She stood, taking the plate. “Go warm up.”

Piers disappeared into their shared workout room, as Grady put the plate and her empty cup in the sink. From the cabinet above the coffee maker, she grabbed one of the premade containers of grounds, popping it into the machine and starting a pot of coffee. It’d take a moment, and Grady didn’t want to be standing around and waiting.

When she opened the door to the workout room, she was greeted with the bright lights and soft rock, quietly playing in the speakers. Piers contorted their body just a bit too far into some weird pose, in front of the long mirror on the far wall. With their eyes closed, and breathing even, they looked at peace for once.

It was rare.

Grady kept silent, leaning against the doorframe and watching, as Piers shifted position. They unwound their body, placing their hands and feet flush on the floor, stretching out their back.

“Stop watching like a creep and come stretch, or else you’re gonna pull something when I beat your ass.” Piers didn’t have to open their eyes to know she was there, motioning for her to come over. They kicked their feet into the air, doing a brief handstand, before allowing the momentum to pull them upright onto their feet. Grady laughed, walking over and joining them. They subtly led both of them through various stretches. Being with them put her at ease, waking her up, mind clearing of the sleepy fog which still lingered.

As Piers finished, Grady slid into a final stretch, sitting on the floor, reaching out as far as she could with her legs wide. Their cold hands pressed firm on her bare shoulders, gently pushing her further down into the stretch.

After a moment, Grady sat up, taking Piers’ hand for help as she hopped to her feet. They followed her to the bench near the door, sitting down so their hip touched hers. Silently, Grady passed Piers two of the wraps from the basket under the bench, then held her hands out. With practiced ease, they wrapped her hands, patting her palms as soon as they finished. Grady did the same for them, careful on the cut, then pulled them to their feet.

“I’ll go easy on you, until your headache goes away.” Piers lightly teased, as the two began to circle each other.

“I’ll go easy on you, since you haven’t slept.” She grinned, and in response, Piers threw a quick strike towards her left side, which she easily dodged. Back and forth they went, defensive and offensive, never hard enough to hurt one another but enough to make the other regret their decisions. The entire time, Piers’ mind seemed to be elsewhere, allowing Grady to finally get the upper hand. In one motion, she swept their feet out from beneath them, and they fell onto their ass. It got their attention pretty quick.

“That hurt. What was that for?” Taking her hand, Piers hauled themself back upright.

“You’re distracted.” Grady took a quick jab at their face, and they blocked it, inches from her palm hitting their nose.

“See. Not distracted.”

“Then why’d you let me knock you down?” Grady teased as she attempted to swipe their feet out from beneath them again, but they anticipated it this time, jumping.

“You’re older. You have more experience.”

“Sounds like excuses. I’m not even three years older.”

Piers mocked her, grabbing her arm as she tried to strike them again. “Still an old old lady.”

“Hey!”

Grinning at her response, they caught Grady with a well placed swipe of their foot, knocking her down the same way. She hopped up without hesitation, starting to circle Piers again. Their green eyes locked on her, watching her like a predator would prey. As their mind shifted off whatever was bothering them, their form improved. She had achieved her goal…but their entire demeanor, usually energetic and a little goofy, shifted into something…else. It was something Grady had noticed more recently.

She faltered, stopping to look them up and down.

“What?” Piers dropped out of their stance too, concerned, and their body language shifted again, back to normal.

Using their distraction to her advantage, Grady shook it off and moved to strike their sternum. Piers grabbed her wrist just in time, yanking it up and away from their chest with surprising force. Caught off guard, Grady lurched forward.

She fell on top of them, hard, with their fingers still wrapped tight around her wrist. At the impact, they winced, then started to weakly laugh.

“I’ve got you!” Grady taunted, trying to weigh them down. They threw her off with ease, before pinning her beneath them on the wooden floor, holding her wrists tightly with one hand and using the other to prop themself up.

“Wrong.” Piers smirked, getting a little too close to her face, but in a much better mood than earlier. Grady shoved them off, trying to get them under her again, but they threw her around easily like a sack of flour. The two wrestled, teasing and playing, until Piers finally got her on her stomach. Straddling her, they pinned her arms behind her back and looped an arm around her throat to play-choke her. Laughing darkly, they leaned in, whispering in her ear.

“I think I win.”

After she tapped their arm, they let her go. Grady coughed, as they rolled onto the floor beside her. Both of them, out of breath, laid there with their shoulders touching, silent. Piers finally stumbled to their feet after a few minutes, standing over her.

“May I?”

She offered one hand up, and they leaned down, untying the wrap before doing the same to her other hand.

“Thank you. Need me to do yours?”

“I’m good.” They shook their head, beginning to unwrap their own hands, heading for the bench. Remaining there, sprawled out and sweaty, Grady stared at the ceiling. Her heart pounded. Her skin stuck to the cool wooden floor. It felt nice.

Finally, Piers spoke again, from out of her line of sight, “It’s almost 6:15. I have a meeting with Councilor Miles at 10. Then Hansel is getting me ready for the Coronation Social tonight. You?”

Grady flipped through her Lens, “I have to be in Command Central by 8 too for morning debrief, and I’m briefly touring the new Academy building with the others, but I have to be back by 12 to get ready. Gretel’s helping me out with my hair but I still have to pick my dress up from Hansel as well.”

“Alright.” They came back over, turning off the music with a dismissive motion before offering her a hand to stand up, “Let’s get a move on then, Grady.”

NYTF WIP PAGE

Tag List (reply or dm to be added or removed; I pulled from the old tag list + the call post):@author-a-holmes, @soul-write @flowerprose @ceph-the-ghost-writer @theglitchywriterboi @when-wax-wings-melt @thechaoticflowergarden @lyralit @penspiration-writing @samatedeansbroccoli @charlesjosephwrites @italiangothicwriteblr @thetruearchmagos @pineapple-lover-boy @unilightwrites @sanguine-arena @bardic-tales @joshuaorrizonte @blind-the-winds @circa-specturgia @hymnonlips @aloeverawrites @the-stray-storyteller @writeblrsupport @starlit-skys @kyuponstories @guessillcallitart @magic-is-something-we-create @talesofsorrowandofruin @writingonmymind @imslowlydisintegrating @worldsfromhoney

#wip #writeblr #writing #creative writing #excerpt #wip excerpt #athenswrites #nytf #grady yensey #piers hall #the sparring scene #i love this scene so much #it's my fav so far

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miasudare · 8 months

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💤

Since you didn't specify a character, I made Sona. (His emoji's is same)

This is Sona. My Crescent x PJ ship child. He has trouble sleeping and sometimes talk to people's sleep paralysis demons. He usually falls asleep while walking, reading, eating. Poor guy.

| I came up with his name randomly while watching South park |

#oc character #my ocs #paperjam #crescent

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tentacle-stylograph · 1 year

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big collection of "what i'm doing"s: F 11 - T 29 Nov. '22

what i’m doing: is this what i want to be doing: if no, what would i rather be doing: if struggling to do the above, why, and why do i want to do the above in the first place: what's my next step:

T 29 Nov

12.25 am what i’m doing: scrolling YouTube comments is this what i want to be doing: nope nope nope if no, what would i rather be doing: SLEEPING. or at least reading on my Kindle 'til i get tired if struggling to do the above, why, and why do i want to do the above in the first place: momentum this time, i think. i forget why i was on YouTube in the first place. but time to shut down my comp what's my next step: ^

7.17 pm what i’m doing: watching NCH Animations's channel trailer is this what i want to be doing: nope nope nope if no, what would i rather be doing: lying down on the couch and taking a break before starting on hw if struggling to do the above, why, and why do i want to do the above in the first place: distracted... what's my next step: going to post in voice-text on when i'm going to go into the vc to work on hw then do that

8.28 pm what i’m doing: HOMEWORK is this what i want to be doing: YA YA YA YA YA YA if no, what would i rather be doing:

10.50 pm what i’m doing: taking pics of magazine articles i want to hold onto is this what i want to be doing: ye ye ye ye ye :3

11.08 pm what i’m doing: scrubbing the toilet, after an interval of putting together a post of my WIDs (timer to scrub toilet went off: cleaner had sat for ~10 mins) is this what i want to be doing: yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. now making this WID while i wait for the flush to complete so i can do a second set of toilet wash

11.46 pm what i’m doing: just finishing up this entry and X’ing out of things on my laptop. is this what i want to be doing: yeeee :) if no, what would i rather be doing: if struggling to do the above, why, and why do i want to do the above in the first place: what's my next step:

M 28 Nov

12.27 am what i’m doing: collecting completed field research in Pogo is this what i want to be doing: well, i want to be mega evolving my pokemon, but, while i have the app opened, i'm doing my dailies if no, what would i rather be doing: ye, long as i get to brushing my teeth and changing into my pj's shortly after, which i am, as the alarm went off at 12.27, and i'm making this entry at 12.29 after closing the Pogo app if struggling to do the above, why, and why do i want to do the above in the first place: but yeah. i'm struggling to get ready for bed. lots of small tasks flittering in my mind that i've been poking at on my laptop, plus the usual momentum paralysis. ...been thinking, "i'll brush my teeth after getting my pj's on, and i'll get my pj's on before using my headphones for music so i don't have to put them on then take them off," but i need music. so, i can have that quietly going on my laptop, change into my pajamas, then swap the music to my headphones what's my next step: ^ quiet music, pj's, headphones, teeth

___

6.13 pm what i’m doing: being distracted on Twitter looking at my notifs is this what i want to be doing: nah, but i am chilling; just finished a step one to my illustration final if no, what would i rather be doing: once i finish rereading a Shencomix post, i'll get into some clothes and go for a walk

9.43 pm what i’m doing: HOMEWORK is this what i want to be doing: YEEEEEEEE

10.14 pm what i’m doing: responding to a post about why octopuses may be able to detect gravity is this what i want to be doing: glad i had the timer go off 'cause i'd probably indefinitely continue doing things afterward. setting the timer to go off more often now tho.

10.35 pm what i’m doing: oop still distracted on tumblr is this what i want to be doing: naaaaaaah if no, what would i rather be doing: spending a few minutes typing responses to friends

11.49 pm (hwoops [sic]. it would seem my timers turned off somehow. so really got distracted here.) what i’m doing: looking at a pin i want to eventually share with a friend in regards to how much i think about one of her characters is this what i want to be doing: ...long as i get ready for bed real soon, and i'm standing right now (standing desk handy), so that's promising

F 25 Nov

12.18 pm what i’m doing: noting locations of ratteries that are within a couple hours of me. just finishing up tho! got at least five to look at later!! is this what i want to be doing: yee! and please oh please get off the comp in the next few minutes after you save the new info to a few places ("messaging myself" channel+pin, personal DM, Google Keep)

4.22 pm what i’m doing: uh. i forget because i'm making this note at 4.38 but probably browsing Pinterest is this what i want to be doing: nope if no, what would i rather be doing: WORKING ON HOMEWORK if struggling to do the above, why, and why do i want to do the above in the first place: distracted. too many funny memes what's my next step: just reached my next step: i've got a "Study With Me" vid playing. also in a vc where classmates might join, but idk if they will

4.54 pm what i’m doing: like one second into staring at my computer desktop/Google Keep page, figuring out how to start my hw (had just been absently scrolling Signal looking at messages) is this what i want to be doing: yeah, glad i was getting on task if no, what would i rather be doing: just gotta open the typography homework and i'll figure it out

12.01 pm what i’m doing: looking at rat foster services is this what i want to be doing: nyyyeeeeerrrrgh i don't have confidence i'll look at it soon again if i don't keep on right now. up to two more timer check-ins at MOST. because i need to get out and exercise and shower then do homework

~10 pm, i think. forgot to record the time 'cause i made a new date header and i turn out to forget marking the time when i do that what i’m doing: rewatching my reaction vids to Villainous is this what i want to be doing: 🤷‍♀️ nbd. i'm chillin'. now that this timer went off tho, i'll probably go to the bathroom and get ready for bed. maybe transfer my WIDs to tumblr (been keeping them in Google Keep notes) if no, what would i rather be doing: if struggling to do the above, why, and why do i want to do the above in the first place: what's my next step:

H 24 Nov

12.29 am what i’m doing: browsing YouTube, specifically reading comments on "In Praise of Subtle Performance" instead of letting myself watch the video because i know i'm supposed to be getting ready for bed is this what i want to be doing: NO if no, what would i rather be doing: BRUSHING MY TEETH AND GETTING INTO PAJAMAS if struggling to do the above, why, and why do i want to do the above in the first place: i hopped onto my computer to figure out something about Kind Words and then got lost what's my next step: message myself that In Praise of Subtle Performance video in four different places and bookmark it, X out of my Edge browser, then unpause my laptop's music and get up

W 23 Nov

12.12 am what i’m doing: ...scrolling YouTube is this what i want to be doing: nope nope nope and nope if no, what would i rather be doing: GETTING TO BED if struggling to do the above, why, and why do i want to do the above in the first place: momentum, again, i guess. (i did brush my teeth, at least, so yay.) what's my next step: -sigh- putting on music so i can stand up (i'm lying on the floor for some reason) and get into my pj's

___

what i’m doing: checking out the sky in Pokemon Go; lots of new stars and nebulae for the Ultra Beasts event. didn't expect that :0 and they're moving and changing! is this what i want to be doing: shore! just not more than a bit of time on this

T 22 Nov

10.58 pm what i’m doing: scrolling imgur is this what i want to be doing: nope nope hope if no, what would i rather be doing: getting into pj's and brushing teeth if struggling to do the above, why, and why do i want to do the above in the first place: momentum, mainly, i think. i'm sitting so it's hard to stand up. gonna put music on what's my next step:

11.35 pm what i’m doing: checking the thanks/sorry proportions between me and a friend is this what i want to be doing: shore. just don't want to spend long on it

A 19 Nov

what i’m doing: brushing teef is this what i want to be doing: yee

H 17 Nov

10 pm what i’m doing: reading about le Comte de Saint-Germain :3 is this what i want to be doing: yeeeeeeeee :3 gonna keep on for ~18 more mins and hopefully not too much longer

10.19 pm what i’m doing: reading about Jean Overton Fuller, the author of the Saint-Germain book i'm reading is this what i want to be doing: shore. but time to brush my teeth and get to bed now.

10.37 pm what i’m doing: summarizing what i read about Saint-Germain is this what i want to be doing: -grimacing emoji- can't quite decide. but i REALLY need to get to bed now if no, what would i rather be doing: drinking water, brushing my teeth, using the toilet, bigtime slep if struggling to do the above, why, and why do i want to do the above in the first place: summarizing is gratifying, but i want to be able to drive safely tomorrow. so, i need to sleep. what's my next step: time to turn on music on my phone. put it at 1.25x speed

10.55 pm what i’m doing: reading and replying to YouTube comments is this what i want to be doing: NO. GET UP OH MY GOSH what's my next step: SAME AS ABOVE. IDEK HOW I GOT ONTO YOUTUBE. TURN ON SOME MUSIC AND DON'T TOUCH YOUTUBE

11.13 pm what i’m doing: JUST finished getting my pj's on and turned off the music and was scrolling to open Pokemon Go and feed my buddy is this what i want to be doing: no more than 4 minutes. no more than four minutes

T 15 Nov

3.17 pm -- gonna be super brutal with "yes"s and "no"s on "is this what i want to be doing" what i’m doing: relatively absently scrolling tumblr for Dracula Daily is this what i want to be doing: NO if no, what would i rather be doing: GETTING DRESSED AND DRINKING WATER AND WORKING ON TYPOGRAPHY HOMEWORK BUT I'VE BEEN ON MY COMPUTER SO LONG I NEED TO TAKE A BREAK FIRST if struggling to do the above, why, and why do i want to do the above in the first place: MOMENTUM SUCKS I NEED TO GET UP what's my next step: PUT ON MUSIC ANTOUFQJNTKSQSHQSKSJKQJSQKJSSKJQS

4.09 pm what i’m doing: taking a break for my hands before going to cut potatoes to make food is this what i want to be doing: yuh :')

10.36 pm what i’m doing: reading Twilight is this what i want to be doing: yep :3 (IN PAIN AND DESPISING MOST OF THE CULLENS BUT YES THIS IS WHAT I WANT TO BE DOING)

11.30 pm what i’m doing: lying down on the couch, not doing anything other than being worried about tomorrow is this what i want to be doing: not in the least if no, what would i rather be doing: brushing my teeth if struggling to do the above, why, and why do i want to do the above in the first place: getting up feels impossible, and i'm dreading class tomorrow too what's my next step: i'd already put on music but my panic kicked in when my normal "switch" of motivation/task changing didn't flip. so now i'm stuck. ...i'll spin my motivation wheel, maybe a few times, and see if anything helpful comes up

...i landed on "meditate for 15 mins first." it'll be just about midnight if i do that. i was already considering maybe i can skip brushing my teeth and just sleep on the couch. ...i think i'll do that after reading a bit longer. (almost immediately after minimizing this notes file, and thus opening it again:) ...no. the reading is getting me anxious for reasons the text probably didn't intend. (romanticized manipulativeness in Twilight / not being able to give a solid "good guy / bad guy" label on characters in my own head, whether the respective labels were intended for them ny Myer or not.) meditation for ten minutes then

?date? ?M 14 Nov? ?or T 15 Nov?

1.02 am what i’m doing: watching the final Encanto song since that came up in my background playlist is this what i want to be doing: long as i don't continue getting distracted after; i put on my playlist as i put together more blank "self-love" dates if no, what would i rather be doing: but time to get ready for bed now. i let the song finish before making this wid note

1.19 am what i’m doing: absently scrolling a tumblr person's profile that i don't want to be scrolling is this what i want to be doing: -points at previous words- if no, what would i rather be doing: getting off the computer and sleeping if struggling to do the above, why, and why do i want to do the above in the first place: just... momentum, i think. i'm sitting. and i need to get up to go to bed. i need to get changed and say my evening prayers. ...-sigh- okay. ...well, first of all, i'm grateful i have my check-in timer going. that was smart. but um. okay: what's my next step: next steps.

1.41 am what i’m doing: ...still on the same blog. but i fortunately came across a post that's SUPER valuable to me. and--... -checks if i've X'd out of the blog so i won't go back to scrolling- ...okay, NOW i'm fully X'd out of it is this what i want to be doing: noooooo if no, what would i rather be doing: same as previous check-in. ...wow. i got distracted before i even typed my next steps. um. okay. um. what's my next step: putting on music playlist and changing into pajamas

1.58 am what i’m doing: oops messaging a friend about the mentioned post that i was glad to have found. is this what i want to be doing: -sigh- i GUESS. 'cause now i'm gonna type the text in some of the images 'cause it's hard to read there if no, what would i rather be doing:

2.13 am what i’m doing: I WAS LITERALLY ON MY FEET IN THE MIDDLE OF THE SIGN OF THE CROSS AFTER HAVING TURNED OFF MY LAPTOP. LET'S GOOOOOOOOO is this what i want to be doing: AAAAAWWWWWWW YYEEEEEAAAAAHHHHH what's my next step: LOVE YOU, ME. GOOD NIGHT

M 14 Nov

what i’m doing: sitting on my bed poking at the laptop i'm gonna use for shower music is this what i want to be doing: i don't know exactly what my goal was. but i'd only just sat down, and i just ate lunch. so i'm... at least mostly focused. kinda if no, what would i rather be doing: i do need to find my clothes i'm gonna change into. my current outfit stinks 'cause it's my pajamas and i did my morning workout in them

2.44 pm what i’m doing: absently scrolling my tumblr feed is this what i want to be doing: nah if no, what would i rather be doing: i mean, any of my homework, or cooking, but i'm stuck on how to do any of that. or writing a birthday card if struggling to do the above, why, and why do i want to do the above in the first place: i don't know how long cooking will take, i loathe my homework, and i don't know what i'll write in the birthday card. what's my next step: uuuggggh. i... i'm gonna spin my task wheel and write the birthday card

..."break task into even smaller parts." 😭😭😭 I DON'T WANNA. THAT'LL MAKE IT SEEM EVEN MORE DIFFICULT. ...SAME RESULT ON SECOND SPIN. but i'd hoped it'd land on "make a study buddy doodle," so maybe i'll put on some background ambiance, socks, then make the card, and then make the study buddy doodle afterward. might help me do my other tasks. ...i'm gonna draw Mina from Dracula later :3

6.47 pm what i’m doing: looking at Quora after getting distracted trying to find a "password reset" email for my library card is this what i want to be doing: nah if no, what would i rather be doing: going to the bathroom and making food if struggling to do the above, why, and why do i want to do the above in the first place: just got distracted. sad i don't have any fiction books i want to read 'cause it looks like i'll need to call the library to get my card reinstated or get a new card what's my next step: putting on music, using the restroom, changing into clothes i don't mind getting dirty, drinking water, starting a meal

7.40 pm what i’m doing: oops. haven't left my room yet. i was rewatching a funny cute video of a cat getting buried in sand is this what i want to be doing: ...-sigh- not right now if no, what would i rather be doing: same as above, 'cept no cooking at this point. gonna go for a walk instead if struggling to do the above, why, and why do i want to do the above in the first place: ...same as above. i don't remember how i ended up on the floor of my bedroom continuing to browse on my computer. ...ah, maybe checking my internet history will help. ...nope. there's a gap from my Quora scrolling to hopping to--ah, i went to tumblr "just for a second" because i was happy my internet blocker lifted. -facepalm- what's my next step: anyway, again, same as above

S 13 Nov

10.26 pm what i’m doing: rereading messages from a friend is this what i want to be doing: ...naaah... if no, what would i rather be doing: feeding Mark and getting to bed if struggling to do the above, why, and why do i want to do the above in the first place: i'm angry at myself for doing so little today. even tho it's Sunday. and that's supposed to be my "relax" day. but i hardly even ate. and i didn't queue a single post i wanted to or work on any art projects or test out my tablet pen in RoughAnimator. i'm also bummed that a story i'm reading--i feel weird using the word, but i guess it triggered me. i'm struggling to find escapism, just to get myself out of my head, and the story i was leaning into the last couple days went exactly in a direction i loathe for very personal reasons. so i'm bummed out about that and upset at myself for being upset (and i DID do quite a bit with Dracula Daily today + talked with my sister a while) why i want to feed Mark: 'CAUSE I HAVEN'T YET TODAY AND THAT'S NOT RIGHT. why i want to get to bed: so i can drive without crashing myself while going to school what can i do to get myself up: ...-sigh- i have my motivation spinner. i gotta use it.

..."make a game of the assignment"? idk how to make a game of getting to bed and feeding Mark. ...i'll spin again

...okay, it said get into a vc, but i need to use the bathroom so i'm not doing that, but i thought at first it had landed on "hour of silence broken by [ ]" and that'll do. i can do that.

F 11 Nov

~5.50 pm what i’m doing: scrolling TikTok as water's waiting to boil is this what i want to be doing: nah. wanna be getting the recipe and adding salt to the water. started doing that after the alarm tho

6.41 pm what i’m doing: watching a Villainous ad for a second time in a row and i probably would have watched it at least one or two more times if the timer hadn't gone off is this what i want to be doing: nah if no, what would i rather be doing: i'm standing at the counter, ready to clean up kitchen things. time to get back to that

7.33 pm what i’m doing: rewatching a TikTok video. had planned on only watching it twice, and thentimer going off on the second time pretty much guaranteed i stuck with that is this what i want to be doing: moving on right afterward, yep :) if no, what would i rather be doing: time to charge my phone for 20 mins then go for a walk

Saturday

(didn’t record the specific date lol. might figure it out at a later date, might not. i’m just pasting this entry together as quickly as i can)

11.37 pm what i’m doing: getting up to brush teeth is this what i want to be doing: yee :)

_____

?date?

11.52 pm what i’m doing: about to get up to get to bathroom (had just been poking at an in-progress fanart without intention to do anything) is this what i want to be doing: kinda yes @ both because keeping my hype up about the fanart but alsos not wanting to spend much time on it tonight. so, now time to brush my teeth if no, what would i rather be doing: if struggling to do the above, why, and why do i want to do the above in the first place: ___

?date?

4.42 pm what i’m doing: scrolling Tiktok with a stomachache 'cause i haven't eaten well for a couple days is this what i want to be doing: nah. ...-sigh- the stomachache isn't even that bad. i could figure out some food stuff for tomorrow so this doesn't keep going and then work on homework for a bit if no, what would i rather be doing: 👆 if struggling to do the above, why, and why do i want to do the above in the first place: my brain's a bit fogged over and for some reason that's leading to low grade self-hatred that's making doing anything difficult. there's also some unenergetic panic because i'm still not seeing how it's possible for me to do all the necessary schoolwork for the semester nor how future semesters will be possible, where i'll need to take four classes instead of three. altho, i did make mac and cheese, so that's good --> what i need to be doing: message friend to see if we can do work calls this week, (probably put on some music so can get up,) charge phone, bathroom, dressed, character sheet 1 hr probably in StudyTogether

5.05 pm what i’m doing: rewatching a Mr. 2 Bon Clay cosplay Tiktok is this what i want to be doing: (well yes but actually no) if no, what would i rather be doing: my reminder alarm prompted me to turn on some music and get up and do what i want to do. i am now in the bathroom, sitting on the counter to type this and will shortly use the toilet you needed this TMI if struggling to do the above, why, and why do i want to do the above in the first place:

5.46 pm what i’m doing: letting the last 40 seconds of Candle Queen play as i watch the video for that last bit, hopefully before checking my to-do list then maybe taking a nap then getting dressed then working on hw is this what i want to be doing: yeh, good enough if no, what would i rather be doing: if struggling to do the above, why, and why do i want to do the above in the first place:

7.51 pm what i’m doing: making a journal entry about some thoughts i just had, basically surrounding "i'm so often so defensive and scared" is this what i want to be doing: long as i don't spend more than ten minutes on it, sure if no, what would i rather be doing: want to send a friend a message after that then work on homework for an hour if struggling to do the above, why, and why do i want to do the above in the first place:

#wid

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ceeceecreativewriting · 2 years

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Your Blood Will Trickle Down

By Cavanaugh Carter “Jesus Christ man, what’s taking you so long?! Get back to the safe house!” “Hold on, hold on. This dorm room has a ton of batteries, dude! I told you all the gamers live in DHH.” Quentin said smugly as he began to ferociously shovel batteries into his knapsack. “My guy, you have to MOVE!”, Demarcus bellowed into his walkie. “I’m watching with the binoculars right now; he’s leaving the M&M. You’re going to be stuck in there!” Quentin replied sternly, “He’s destroyed all but two buildings on campus! After DHH, then what? Walker! Our safe house, the HDMZ! Our only refuge, then that’s it! Where are we gonna hide from there, Demarcus? This room is a goldmine! We gotta grab supplies while we still can!” “Well you’re not gonna have to worry about where our next safe house is gonna be if you don’t get yo ASS OUT OF THAT DAMN HAUNTED HOUSE CAUSE HE COMIN RIGHT NOW!” “Oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shi-“ Quentin sprinted down the hallway to the stairwell, ferociously pumping his legs, his bulging scavenging sack bouncing against his hip. He reached the front entrance of DHH, but was overtaken by a chilling energy before he could open the door. The energy of Ronald Reagan spoke to him. “Quentin… where are my jelly beans, Quentin?” As if possessed, Quentin was completely entombed, his body stuck in rigor mortis. He couldn't speak, but he felt as if Reagan had entered his mind. Quentin spoke to Reagan with his thoughts. “W-what do you mean, Mr. President?”. “Oh Quentin, you of all people know that I love my jelly beans… I couldn’t find them in the M&M, but I know I’m getting closer… Run along now, boy. I’ll find them soon enough…” Quentin was freed from his paralysis and tumbled out the front entrance of DHH onto Walker Lawn. Scrambling to stand up, he saw the once great Minerals and Material Science Building begin to crumble to the ground. Like bleached coral, brittle and completely drained of color, it began to disintegrate. The campus side of the building shuddered and collapsed, which was then followed by what sounded like millions of pounds of sand being dumped into the Portage. The M&M was no more. Nervously dancing around the dozens of brittle, chalked human statues that now decorated Walker Lawn, Quentin made his way back to the HDMZ. Walker was absolutely freezing as half of the external walls has been destroyed when Reagan consumed the Rozsa, but it had to do as a home base. The survivors needed the Mac computers to harness the Liberal power of Big Tech to defeat Reagan. “Sorry, Demarcus. I got carried away with that.”, Quentin admitted sheepishly. “Hey man, it’s all good. I’m just glad you made it out better than one of them chalk guys outside. You said you got batteries?” “Yeah, I think we can rig them up with your converter to charge our iPhones for a bit. How are you guys coming with the synthesis?” On a computer monitor, a small polygonal model of Karl Marx spun in space with a progress bar that read '89%'. “We’re almost done.” Demarcus said. “PJ and Moose and Squee invented a new algorithm that makes the synthesis go at twice the speed. Hopefully we can summon Marx before Reagan finishes with DHH.” “And if we can’t summon Marx?”, asked Quentin. “I think you know the answer to that question, Quentin. We die.” There was a grave in the conversation, where only PJ, Moose, and Squee’s typing could be heard through the room. “Hey, you know he spoke to me just now.” “You mean REAGAN? What did he say?!” implored Demarcus. “He said…. Man this shit sounds so dumb. He asked if I knew where his jelly beans were..?” “His jelly beans? Huh. That’s weird.”, replied Demarcus coyly. “Yeah, I have no clue either. I thought he was gonna kill me, but then I think he let me go on purpose. I’m still a little freaked out from the whole ordeal; I’m gonna lay down for a bit. Peep the batteries and ramen in my bag.” said Quentin. “Yeah man. Thanks for getting that stuff.” said Demarcus as Quentin went to his corner to sleep. Stepping outside to watch his Great Savior destroy DHH, Demarcus popped a single jelly bean into his mouth with a smile. It was cherry flavored. With a soft chuckle, Demarcus said, “Fools. Don’t they realize that socialism is when no iPhone? Their blood will trickle down soon enough.”

#creative writing #halloween #shitpost

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milk-tea-house · 2 years

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Playlist, Milk Tea House, May 1, 2022

Ebu - Unravel(The Day We Meet Again) - Unravel(The Day We Meet Again) Sadness - August Flower - Tortuga Violet Cold - Pride - Empire Of Love Institution - Memory Falha - Ruptura do Visivel Alcest - Ecailles De Lune(Part I) - Ecailles De Lune Mesarthim - The Degenerate Era - The Degenerate EraTrna - haja endlhëjëdahhe nu jahadlhjanva gjëri ha - Endlhetoneg Mesarthim - Ω - The Density Parameter The Fin - เกี่ยวกับเรา (About Us) - เกี่ยวกับเรา (About Us) Summoning - The Passing Of The Grey Company - Minas Morgul ***The Birthday Massacre - Dreams of You - Dreams of You ***Beach House - Once Twice Melody - Once Twice Melody Deafheaven - Worthless Animal - Ordinary Corrupt Human Love She Hers Hers - Diagram X - Afterglow Eunhadan - The Night Is Tender - Tender Is The Night Tokyo Shoegazer - The Dream - Moonworld Playground Tristeza - Blue - Resplandor Hello Noise World - Lost in My Mind - N/A Nullvoidjoy - Second Wind - Second Wind Tensnake - Adam Hills(Gerd Janson LA Noir Remix) - L.A. Noir Disco Lines - Baby Girl - N/A Burial - Street Halo - Street Halo Fresh & Low - New Life (Mixed) - Little i EP Chymamusique - Uber Vibes (Cannon Soul Mix) - House Dimensions HOUZ'MON - GET 2 STEPPIN REMIX Adryiano - Non___Stop - DJ Kicks Noise Engineer - Jelly Wobble - Kaos Theory Onumi & Akira Complex - Ethereal Cyber Angel XV - Ethereal Cyber Angel XV SDK - Sisehtnys MF Modnar - Sisehtnys MF Modnar PJ Bridger - Dancefloor Spesh - 3 Feed Deep DJ Eze - Cobalt - Cobalt Footclat - When 808 Aint Enuff DUCAT - Palm 3a (ft. Fabrix) - Checkered Floor ooxygen - WSI - flyinDodo Artificial Intelligence - Get Down(Remix) - N/A Juic-e - Naturally (TufStuf 002) - TufStuf 002 Hideki Okugawa - Akuma's Stage Killing Moon - Street Fighter III 3rd Strike: Fight For The Future: Original Sountrack Rosall - Horizons Type 4 - Horizons Type 4 Polyscream - Planet With. - MORPHO PARADIGM 4 DJ Marky & XRS - Going Deaf - Sounds Of The Innerground Bye2 - 不安協会 Liquid Angel Paralysis - Teeth Restoration Type R - Breakheaven 99 - Break2000

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heartlandrock · 4 years

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My last brain cell at 3 am: 🎵little fish, big fish, swimming in the water. come back here, man, give me my daughter🎵

#if i had a sleep paralysis demon this is what it would sing #pj harvey

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almondemotion · 2 years

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It’s worse than it’s ever been. Just kidding… Not.

#NHS #whatdoyoudowhenthesystemiscreaking? #titanic

You might consider doctors, nurses and NHS staff in general to be a bunch of moaners. I don’t remember a time when people were not saying how bad it was and predicting that we were on the brink of collapse. That’s not really true. I am old enough to recall the time before the financial crisis in 2008, when New Labour was in its heyday and investment in health and social care was at a high. I can…

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#999 #booster #COP 26 #Covid #David Blaine #Harry Leslie Smith #last 1000 days #New Labour #NHS #Pissing in the wind #PJ Paralysis #stroke #vaccine

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stagefoureddiediaz · 2 years

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Something that’s been playing on my mind for a fair while is the drawing of a fox in Christopher room because, like the space and dinosaur theming, it keeps hanging out in the background of important Christopher scenes, stealing my attention - like what is is foreshadowing or hinting at? HE IS JUST ALWAYS THERE LOOKING AT ME MOCKINGLY!!

Heads up this post got long and a bit random so its below the cut if anyone is interested!

It first appears in 3x04 - Triggers, when Eddie runs into Christopher when he’s having a nightmare - side note; Chris is wearing space themed pjs

We don’t see it again until 4x02 - Alone Together, Carla is on zoom talking about invisible strings and the Diaz boys fall asleep on Christophers bed. No space themed stuff here, and Chris is in horizontal striped pyjamas, which fit in nicely with my theory about stripes!

Then we have 4x08 - Breaking Point (everyones favourite sleep paralysis daemon!), when Eddie gets back from his math date (and theres construction on sunset!) although we don’t get to see much of it but Chris is in solar system pyjamas

4x08 - Breaking point, Foxy pops up for the second time and this time we do get to see it more clearly - hanging out with the solar system mobile - when Christopher has runaway to Bucks.

4x13 - Suspicion, here it is hanging out on the wall while they sort though Christophers toys to donate to Charlie, notice that the mobile has disappeared (well is not is shot at any rate!) and there is no space theming visible.

4x14 - Survivors, Its still there when Buck has to tell Christopher about Eddie getting shot (and guess what - the solar system mobile is back, it’s not in the picture above, but you do see it later on in this scene!)

There are only two incidences where we don’t see space obvious theming when the fox can be seen - the scene with Carla on Zoom and the scene when they’re sorting through toys for Charlie. in every other scene with that fox either the mobile is present hanging out next to it, or Chris is in space themed pyjamas! and we don’t see it when the dinosaur theming is prevalent!

Buck is the common denominator in all those scenes - the nightmare is about the tsunami which involved Buck, 4x08 Buck is the one who put Chris to bed etc, Eddie calls Buck about Christopher running away and thats where Christopher has run too, and Buck is the one telling Christopher about Eddie being shot.

Anyway it sent me down a rabbit hole (or fox hole if you want to be punny!) because tied in with the fox theming is also that damn little winking gingerbread man air freshener in 5x10 that has become my nemesis!

Lets talk foxes in mythology! In most mythology foxes are wiley, cunning, tricksters, able to outsmart or outwit their competition but they can also be symbols of protection.

In the Br’er Rabbit stories - the fox was often the antagonist

In Aesops fables - the fox and the grapes - where the term ‘sour grapes’ comes from - it’s a story about a fox who tries to jump up and reach some grapes hanging from a vine which is wound along a tree branch. He tries several times before giving up and saying

"What a fool I am," he said. "Here I am wearing myself out to get a bunch of sour grapes that are not worth gaping for."

In Moche culture in Peru - the fox was believed to be a warrior who used his mind to fight and never took up arms to fight in a physical battle.

On to the best and most pertinent fox story; that of the Gingerbread man! interestingly enough this story seems to have originated in America it was first published in May 1875 in a magazine called St. Nicholas magazine, but there are similar stories throughout Europe which are similar (usually about a local food item such as pancakes or dumplings!) and predate the gingerbread man.

Originally the story of the gingerbread man was a story about a gingerbread boy who runs away from the woman who made him (and several others along the way) he outruns her before he gets tricked into approaching a fox who eats him and pretends not to hear his cries to stop.

it makes me think of so many potential hints and links;

Is the woman who made him Shannon?

Chris ran away - but to Buck, who protected him - saved him from the fox - but maybe the fox is Tay Kay (red hair!!) and she’s going to do something to ‘eat’ Christopher - like try to separate Buck from the Diaz boys in some way?!!

maybe the fox is a representation of a heteronormative lifestyle? We haven’t seen that drawing again yet in s5

is Chris is being eaten up by his fear? Eddie is also being eaten by his fear

Eddie is not listening to Christophers cries - he thinks he is, but he isn’t - much like the fox not listening to the cries of the gingerbread boy

so many little things that can be tied into that fox

You know what else foxes make me think of (and this could be because I’m British idk) fox hunting and the trauma a fox suffers throughout - the time spent being chased to exhaustion and then ripped to shreds by the dogs when its caught - its like a massive metaphor for Eddie - he’s the fox, being chased by various outside forces, to the point of exhaustion (trauma!!)

the idea of running away, running towards the universe, but being tricked - the

then there is the spirituality side of foxes ( I copied and paste this off a website, about spirit guide animals!) which if this isn’t written like its about Eddie and whats coming for him, then I don’t know what to say to you!! (it also ties in so well with what I wrote about those daffodils in 5x10 that its kinda scary!!

The fox spirit animal reminds you to maintain your autonomy. Even though you adore your romantic partner, your family, your kids, and close friends, it’s important to have a strong sense of self, and to make sure you always nourish yourself, even when you’re a caregiver.

When you take a plane flight, and the flight attendant goes over the safety precautions for the flight, they always tell you to put on your own oxygen mask first because if you pass out, you can’t help anyone else. This analogy describes the sentiments of the fox spirit animal. It’s vital that you learn to care for yourself. Then, you can be more present in your relationships. This doesn’t mean self-centeredness or narcissism; it means a healthy practice of self-care.

If a fox makes themselves known to you, whether in real life, the media, or art, it can be a sign that it’s time for you to leave the warm den of your comfort zone. Self-protection and nourishment are vitally important, but there is also a time to break out and take some risks. The fox is definitely not a comfort junky!

If other people overstep your boundaries, or those of your loved ones, whether these boundaries are physical, emotional, or financial, the protective fox reminds you have the right to stand your ground and defend your territory.

I love the idea of Eddie being taunted by a fox drawing in Christophers room to leave the warm den of his comfort zone and take some risks!! 😂

#kym rambles #Kym’s crackpot theories #that fox has been bugging me since the first time I saw it #its just so loud and obvious #what does it mean #because if they're going for hand drawn stuff it has a meaning #fox theory #christophers fox #I love that there seems to be a mini theme of using children's fairytales in relation to Chris #fairytale theory #Christopher diaz is adorable #911 #911 on fox #911onfox

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endlessnightlock · 2 years

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So I just found out that my husband of 20 years has sleep paralysis 🙃.

We were sitting at home

last night and my daughter (who likes to draw! and is kind of weird like me, lol) drew a picture of this creature called long horse, and the subject of sleep paralysis came up and PJ was like "oh yeah, I just had that a few months ago- doesn't that happen to everyone?" And I sat there, wondering how didn't know this? He just assumed it happened to everyone so he never brought it up. He was stunned when me and our daughter both were both like, no, everyone doesn't do that.

#sleep paralysis #apparently it's more common in people who have insomnia or don't get enough sleep and that's definitely him #personal

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pjisskullourful · 2 years

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Hiya PJ! I hope you’re keeping well ☺️✨

I was just strolling through and had a thought, do you think Damiano would ever post about his girl on his Instagram?

I remember your other ask talking about her posting a thirst trap and Damiano responding to it somehow (I remember that because I’m 10000000% on board with that being a part of the story 😍 Especially if he gets hella jealous about it! Lord have mercy on what you would give to us with that 😫) but I just wondered what your thoughts would be on him doing something to show her off or introduce her to the world himself?

Even if it was just a pic of her or them with a short caption or something? Vague enough that their privacy isn’t invaded but enough to show everybody that she’s his girl.

Especially now since it’s a committed relationship and they’re gonna live together? I dunno, just food for thought really🤔 Still binge/re-reading part 11 for now 😝 Cannot wait to read the rest!!!

Love and hugs - your very corrupt but emotionally invested fan xxxx 🥰❤️‍🔥

haay cutie! so idk if that was an autocorrect from scrolling to strolling- but i just really love that image cos its the jail& you're just on a casual wander lol

yall want more jealous dami in stainedsheets? part6 wasnt enough? i have to bring that side of daddy back out to play?

i assume that they would already be online official(maybe shes on private on ig& doesnt have twitter or anything else thats like a public kinda thing cos she just works at a real estate office- what does she need clout for?). im envisioning that he would have posted pics of their halloween costumes, which shemade& which were a couples costume. so maybe cute pics of them recreating some of the edward scissorhands movie posters& maybe a really dumb caption like 'when i asked my gf to do this couples costume with me- my phone autocorrected it from penishands to edward scissorhands 🍆✂️ ohwell, we're still cute as hell' (cos thats a prno that actually exists my dear children, edward penishands- i found out about it from johnny depp himself)

& i assume she'd pop up every now& then. like terribly unflattering photos of them at the end of a long night, like when you hold the phone down at chestlevel& look down& have the flash on& its all cracked makeup& chin rolls for the gods-- or is it just me& my friends who take pics like that? & that would be in the ig story with a caption like 'sleep paralysis demon couple goals'

thanksheaps for such a lovely worded message-- im cooking up fun for part12, trust& believe mama isnt going soft on yall after all this

#pj answers

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hobin-gnoblin · 2 years

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Welcome to R.A.D!

The First Encounter

Starring: My Mc, PJ.

This will be 18+, this is solely based on IRL things that would definetly happen if I was actually summoned at R.A.D.

Read at your own risk⚠️

I am very "quirky"

-------

Nothing but super sexy and cool classic rock music blared from the speakers in my bedroom as I danced around in nothing but underwear and a tank top. I was feeling myself, my groove, and my sexy dance skills. Yo, I'm PJ. I'm loud, crazy, and I got a good head on my shoulders. As a 18 year old, life can be pretty crazy, but from my experience from the depths of Hell, I can assure you, my life is stranger than fiction....

This is the story of my expiring at R.A.D, my big life changer, my joker arc. Etc.

-----

My back felt cold, my ass was freezing. I was suprised as my body slowly became awoke that it felt as if I was no longer in my bed. I know that because my ass would be drenched in sweat imported from the Nile River.

I slowly opened my eyes, wiped my eye boogies, and took in my surroundings. I was in a huge ass conference room, and it was fancy as hell, I thought to myself, holy shit, are those tables mahogany?

"No, in fact they're not, they're a special type of tree native to Devildom." A loud voice echoed through the room. I shot up from the floor in a panic, "Who said that?" I screamed as I prepared my body for battle. My feet planted to the ground in a wide stance, my knees bent, and my back hunched over like Dobby with my claws ready to pounce. "Um, what are you doing human?" A voice said. "I'm in my fighting stance! Reveal yourselves otherwise I'm gonna Ju Jitsu your ass back to where you came from!" I screamed. There was silence, then footsteps approaching me. And yes, I pissed my panties a little bit, you would too. My face immediately went red as I saw a whole cluster fuck of handsome men. "Oh." Was all I could muster. Here I was, my dumb ass wearing nothing but my tank top and underwear, which I hope they didn't smell anything due to the stench of my chronic night sweats. My face still adjusting to the light, and my hair still a mess because of the sleep paralysis demon that keeps fucking with it. (Fuck you Kyle, if your reading this you need to stop messing with my dreams!).

To sum it up, I looked like Lindsey Lohan's mugshot in front of these uber handsome men. And oh my god my face was as red as a tomato. Or a beet, you choose.

"Hello PJ, My name is Diavolo, Lord of Devildom, We welcome you with open arms to our newest exchange program!" The sexy beast of a man bellowed. I couldn't help but stare at his fat tits while he laughed, they were so perfect, they definitely made mine look like, idk boobs? (Self love, dont hate yourself.) (Says the bitch who compared herself to Lindsey Lohans mugshot lmao.)#Pissingmyself).

"PJ, its a pleasure to meet you," An absolute stud muffin of a man with ravenette hair and a bitch ass face said. I could tell he was pulling my dick due to the uninterested look on his face. My dude was not amused with my current physical form. I thought to myself, he obviously cannot handle all of this.. I smirked to myself in thought, my personality is just too much for him to face already, hehe. My thoughts were soon interuppted by a cough. "Let me introduce you to my younger brothers, Lucifer wove his arm to gesture to the motley crew of hunky meat muffins. My jaw dropped as I witnessed the men scrambling in front of me. Holy shit, were they ever hunky monkeys. Lucifer quickly pulled out a small whistle and blew sharply. The rest followed suit assembling into a straight line. Suddenly music came out of fucking now where and the boys began to march rhythmically in unison. Each brother taking one step forward front, and back as they each said their name.

"Mammon, Leviathan, Satan, Asmodeus, Beelzebub, and REDACTED." The boys said as they swiftly went back into their normal positions in the conference room. I'm pretty sure something like that I've witnessed before back at home.

-----

^ The whistle scene from Sound of Music in case you didn't get the reference.

------

I smiled awkwardly at the men. Lucifer and Diavolo both exchanged a few words and nodded to eachother "Mammon shall be your guide for the rest of the exchange program. " Fuck what?" Mammon yelped as Lucifer pinched his neck. "Hurry now Mammon, chop, chop." Lucifer clapped. Mammom immediately rushed to me like a panicked schoolboy. "Sup weirdo, I'm gonna be a absolute dick to you." He said. I nodded and mutually agreed. I was plotting on totally fucking with this dude. "Sounds cool." I replied. "Fuck you." He said. "Fuck you too." I responded. I already knew this was going to be the start of a great friendship.

This was gonna be the craziest year of my life.

----end---

Should I make another part? Let me know! ;)

#obey me #obey me shall we date #obey me crack #obey me lucifer #obey me mammon #obey me beelzebub #obey me writing #obey me satan #obey me asmodeus #obey me diavolo #obey me self insert #obey me mc #obey me story #obey me funny #obey me 18+#otome guys #obey me masters #obey me tumblr #obey me solomon

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chrismerle · 2 years

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how was your friend not doing you any favors? /gen

The friendship was not doing me any favors. Subtle but important distinction.

And oh, nonny, you are in for a long answer.

There were a handful of reasons.

I could not actually trust his opinion on anything.

I could not actually tell him anything real.

He could be very manipulative.

Tying into that, boundaries were optional if he didn't like them.

Now, I am aware a lot of it was also on me for not saying more and not actually trying to fix things, but for the last few years I just did not have the mental capacity to handhold him step-by-step through doing that. But anyway, those are the basic reasons.

(tw: 'bout to discuss side effects of anxiety and depression, brief mention of death, and some very facetious mentions of gore as part of an analogy)

His Opinion:

We'd been friends for a very long time. We met when I was 14 or 15. Started dating when I was 16. Got engaged sometime in college. We broke up in 2016, when I was 23. And for a while after that, though we broke up on relatively good terms, we didn't talk to each other. When we did, it was because he was in the middle of the fallout with a very good friend of his and he asked me for a sanity check. I think that was in 2017? And because I supported him during that, it was official: I could do no wrong.

As far as he's concerned, I am badass just by making dinner. I am amazing when I am sitting on the couch, unwashed, in my PJs, binging Youtube videos all day because choice paralysis made it impossible to actually do anything with the day. I was on a pedestal into the stratosphere, and a lot of the reasoning behind me cutting him off was me going 'fine, I'll take a jackhammer to the pedestal while I'm still on it.' (This was also why I broke up with him.)

I was messaging him from a coffee shop once, and I was there because the power and heat were out back home and I was very cranky, so when I saw one of my high school classmates there, I made a very petty, very catty observation about how the years since graduation hadn't been kind to her. My friend, I shit you not, went into full on Beauty Equals Goodness reasoning for why I looked so much better than her, despite the fact that I'd never said anything about the character of that classmate.

It extended to my writing, too. If I wrote it, it was flawless. I was the best writer on the planet.

So, if I was ever unsure of whether I'd made the right call on a situation or if I wasn't sure if I'd been mean or whatever, I couldn't actually ask him. If I did something, I was in the right for doing it. I could tell him I shot a man on the street, skull fucked his body, and made his child watch, and my friend would say 'That sounds like self-defense to me.' I could vomit onto a sheet of paper and ask him what he thought of this neat new story concept, and he would wax Shakespearean about it.

Couldn't Tell Him Anything Real:

He was great for 'haha, how exasperating' problems. I could complain about my boss and the ridiculousness of the CEO being 22 years old and having no internet literacy despite running a PR company, or that time one of the writers decided a brand of herbal cigarettes was "perfectly healthy," and we'd have a good laugh about it.

He didn't do well with the concept of me having real problems. I don't know if that was specific to me, or an all-encompassing thing. But in the past, if I started talking about an actual problem I was dealing with, he would sometimes quite literally pantomime *backs away*, or I would get about ten seconds to talk about it before he would just start spamming me with cute pictures until he deemed me suitably cheered. After we broke up, had a bit of a break, and started talking again, it morphed more into him being obsessed with fixing problems, and if he couldn't, he would get so worked up and upset about not being able to fix it that I would then legitimately have to comfort him over my problems. The first time I really noticed that was an issue was when my family had people over for a few days, and they brought their dogs. I don't deal well with crowds or noise, and with eight people and six dogs in one room, I legitimately got so overwhelmed I lost the ability to understand spoken words for a bit. And I complained to him about it, and he got so worked up about the fact that he couldn't fix it that I had to spend the last of my spoons on assuring him that I was not sad, I was not angry, I was not scared or anxious or depressed or in need of comforting, I just needed to be left alone, multiple times.

So in 2019, when I was given some medical news I really didn't like, I realized my options were to just not tell him, or have to comfort him over the fact that I was upset about needing to use a urinary catheter, and I would not be able to do that politely. So I didn't tell him. From that point onward, he got most major life updates from my blog, because I think he figured if I was able to talk about it in public, I wasn't actually that bothered about it. But it's been a terrible few years and I've been telling him less and less because of it because I didn't want to have to comfort him over my own fucking grandparents' deaths and it got to the point where we just didn't know anything about each other anymore. We were left with generic small talk a la 'how are the dogs, how is your job, are you playing new games, have you found new Youtubers,' which I rarely saw a point to, and talking about the fictional worlds we built together.

Manipulation and Boundaries:

Neither of us were good at confrontation, but we handled it differently. I tended to just not mention my opinions, wants, or needs until I thought it was necessary.

My friend, as a people pleaser, would instead just agree to whatever concessions or boundaries were asked of him, and then ignore them or brush them off. If I proposed a story idea he didn't like, he would say 'great idea, we can include that! It can be a fever dream or exist on this corner of the map that never comes up in the story!'

When we were engaged, I was very open about the fact that I did not think I would ever be happy living away from my family, and since he pretty much hated his family and had no attachment to the state he lived in, I would appreciate it if we stayed close to my family, and he agreed to this. And then like two days later he started talking about how some people he knew in his state were renting out a house for a VERY reasonable price and we should think about it, despite the fact that he had to know neither of us were anywhere close to being able to afford even the most reasonable rent, and also I would be in school for a while longer.

He was convinced we would have a big family. Neither of us liked kids, neither of us ever wanted to be pregnant, neither of us actually wanted kids, but he liked the idea of a big family so he'd decided we were gonna have a big family.

I think the stupidest example is when I said I liked the idea of a story world built on the sort of melodrama you see in magical girl and shonen fighting anime; it seemed fun. And he agreed and went all in on the zany hijinx and lawl so randum events of it, and when I pointed out that I wanted the melodrama he said he figured of course that HAPPENED in this world, just off screen. So I shrugged and let him have it as his sandbox and I never touched it again.

Or sometimes he would ignore boundaries under the guise of enforcing his own. I said I was uncomfortable with him sending me random gifts for no reason, he said to look at it as 'sending you gifts makes me happy.' I said I was uncomfortable when me saying I hadn't seen some pop culture thing or another he would go '...It's okay, I still love you,' and he had a tiff about how he hadn't said it THAT much.

And if I continued pressing, he would argue, pulling out every 'okay, but,' 'but what if,' 'i mean yeah, but,' 'well sure, but' he could think of; arguing with him was fucking exhausting and he acknowledged it. He acknowledged that he knew he was manipulative. I would have to stomp my feet like a ram and metaphorically headbutt him to get my way on the stupidest fucking things, and he would make me feel like I was being mean afterward.

It actually became a lot less of a problem more recently, not because he got better but because I just stopped trying.

Despite all of that, I hadn't actually planned on cutting the cord. A lot of being friends with him was me shrugging and going 'well, I'll adjust' or tiptoeing around how to avoid some sort of fallout. But for the last couple of months, he was having some tech issues, and so we were talking very little. And I just figured I didn't mind not talking to him, but the other day he popped up out of the woodwork and we managed a few sentences of small talk before he asked me what I'd been up to, other than being amazing, of course. And I felt immediate, deep-seated, tooth-gnashing annoyance and realized I hadn't just not minded not talking to him, I'd been relieved about it, and I couldn't do it anymore.

And the next day I pulled the plug. I was not brave about it. I sent him my spiel and then immediately left our mutual servers and unfriended him because I was not going to be debated out of it and I wasn't going to give him the chance to try.

#ask #anonymous #actual journaling #friendship #anxiety #depression #gore mention #death mention

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