#Well Tamar Have You Watched The Show

[ellewritesalright]

Nine Long Years - Part 6/?

Nikolai Lantsov x Rietveld!reader, Kaz Brekker x sister!Rietveld!reader (platonic)

Part 1 --- Part 2 --- Part 3 --- Part 4 --- Part 5 --- Part 7

Synopsis: After watching your brothers die, you found yourself working on the Volkvolny. In the many years since then, you somehow became the queen of Ravka while your brother somehow survived firepox and life in the Barrel, rising through its ranks. In disguise during a diplomatic trip with your husband Nikolai, you meet Kaz Brekker for what you think is the first time, only to find out that he is your long-thought-dead little brother.

Author's Note: Hi! It's been a while, huh :) ? Get ready to buckle up again cause this part is another 10k words of mess and destruction <3 Hope you're ready for it. Also this part picks up directly after the events of part 5 and then takes place over a few months, so I hope it makes sense to y'all

Warnings: heartbreak, mentions of death, angst with minimal fluff in this part, mentions of sickness, panic attacks, firepox, mentions of the Hertzoon con. and if i'm missing something pls lmk

Word Count: 10,020

……….

FIFTH YEAR

You had a bag packed and ready by dawn. All you had to do was find a horse, then you'd be headed far away from this camp and the people you'd devoted so much of yourself to. Even if it pained you to leave them, it would pain you more to stay; so you snuck out of Tolya and Tamar’s tent and into the camp. You quietly approached the stable area. Not everyone was awake yet, but a few soldiers were up and roaming already. Still, no one noticed you as you went along–or, you thought no one noticed. As soon as you laid hands on one of the horse's reins, a voice called out to you.

"Leaving so soon?" 

You turned and saw Mal with his arms crossed.

"Wouldn't have anything to do with your captain and Alina's engagement, would it?" He asked.

"What's it to you?" You countered, dropping your hands to your sides.

"Well, I'm pretty sure you and him are involved. So if you leave, what's stopping him from wanting a real relationship with Alina?"

You rolled your eyes. "He can have a real relationship with whoever he wants, I don't give a shit."

"But I do." He pursed his lips and sighed. "I care about Alina, and this whole… situation with Sturmhond is stupid."

"Prince Nikolai, not Sturmhond," you corrected. "And I rather think he'd call it 'mutually beneficial' for him and the saint."

"It's a sham is what it is."

"Well, take that up with him, not me." You turned back to the horse you planned on stealing.

“Back to the topic, though. You're leaving?" 

"You're staying?" You sassed over your shoulder.

"I love Alina. No matter how angry I am with her or with Nikolai right now, I love her. So I'm going to protect her and stand by her, even when we don't see eye to eye."

You glanced back at him, voice quiet. "How can you do that?"

"Because it's always been her and me. Together. And I would rather be with her and be miserable than be without her and be devastated."

"I don't think I can do that for Nikolai," you admitted, eyes drooping to the ground.

"Do you love him?" Mal questioned.

More than anything, you wanted to say, but all you could manage was a shaky nod. 

"And how would you feel without him?"

"Terrible." You felt your blood boil at the thought of it. "But having him like this–in the night, behind closed doors–when she'll have him in every way that counts? I can't live that way."

"She won't have him like that," he scoffed. "She loves me as much as I love her, and she wouldn't have him in any way other than ceremonial. I mean, it's like a stupid show for the Ravkans, for saint’s sake."

You whipped around to him, bordering on incensed. "And when they're married, when they have to have children--heirs--what then?"

"It won't come to that. I won't let it,” he ground out, his face going red.

"You can't stop it, Oretsev."

"Just watch me, Rietveld." He looked as angry as you felt, but he took a breath and made his next words calm yet firm. "I won't let it happen. And if you stick around, there's even less of a chance it will happen."

"I can't watch this 'show,' as you put it. It hurts too much just thinking about it all; seeing it would kill me."

His face softened. "Rietveld, please, stay with us. At least until we make it to Os Alta. You could find a job in the city, or you could always stand as a private guard–that’s what I’ll be doing. And if it ever feels like too much, come talk to me. Vent to me. I’m on your side here–I hate this all just as much as you do.”

You considered his plea. You didn’t realize how this would affect him too. It felt like the lash of this engagement had only cut you, but it was selfish to not realize how others around you were bleeding. This sort of thing hurt everyone involved, not just you–though admittedly it hurt some people more. With a frown, you realized how Alina and Nikolai must also be in pain. 

But despite your deeper understanding of the situation, you couldn’t feel sorry for Nikolai–he was the one who’d dealt the blow, and he would have to lick his own wounds.

“I’ll stay,” you told Mal. “But I swear I’m not going anywhere near Nikolai. I’ll only be here to stand guard of Alina with you.”

“You realize they'll likely have to spend time together and you’ll have to see him?”

“All I have to see is Alina, he’ll be peripheral from now on.”

“Fair enough,” he said. “Thank you.”

You nodded at him and squared your shoulders. “Where is the saint then? I’d like to start working.”

……….

At first you thought the journey to Os Alta would be no big deal, that you would be able to handle how he rode side by side with her or in a pretty little carriage while you were riding ten feet behind at all times. And it almost was no big deal, for the most part. Alina didn’t seem swayed by his joking or small talk, she was too proud to let him in after he’d lied about his true identity all the time he was at sea with her and Mal.

But it was when you stopped in all the little towns on the way to the capital that things became rough. Nikolai put on a show for the Ravkans, charming them left, right, and centre. And his pretend affections--if you could even call them pretend considering how real they looked–slowly showed more blatantly in front of the townspeople and First Army escort. His hands would linger on Alina’s as he helped her off her horse; his eyes would watch her softly, as though she was the light of his life; he spoke of her to his travelling companions and hosts with a reverence and care that made your stomach twist each time you overheard it.

You kept yourself busy, preferring to spend your time with the horses or sitting in the corner listening to the gripes and gossip of the First Army soldiers. If ever Nikolai glanced at you and you caught him, you always glared back until he looked away first. Sometimes you saw a glimmer of hurt in his eyes from your harsh stare, but you couldn’t allow yourself to feel bad for him. This was his doing, after all.

Sometimes Tamar or Tolya would sit with you. They would all glare at Nikolai just like you did, though you tried to dissuade them. Well, you didn’t try very hard to dissuade them; you would give them each a look if you ever caught them doing it, but you never said anything as you were silently grateful that they sided with you. The twins had known Nikolai longer than they’d known you, and you felt weird being the reason they were icy with him. And yet, you kept repeating to yourself that this was his doing, that they were also upset about the way he treated you.

The arrival at Os Alta could not have come sooner. You were glad to be in a more permanent spot, though you couldn’t say either building would ever feel like a home to you. You were used to the open decks and low ceilings of schooners and ships, or the modest rooms of inns, or even the little farmhouse you’d grown up in. The Grand and Little Palaces were greater than any building you had ever seen. When you’d been in Ketterdam, you thought the exchange was the most massive place in the world, but now you knew you were wrong; the Grand Palace stood three intimidating stories high, with marble and gold inlaying almost everything. 

It was odd picturing Nikolai’s youth here. You couldn’t imagine being a child in a place like this; how impersonal it all felt to you, with its glimmering white walls and landscape oil paintings, but how much worse it would have been to be a kid here. You supposed that was why Nikolai had made an effort to fill the captain’s cabin on the Volkvolny with all manner of cozy blankets and furniture and knick-knacks he’d acquired from his travels.

Luckily for you, though, the only times you had to be in the Grand Palace was when you were on guard for Alina and she had a meeting or had to attend dinner over there. Most of your time was spent with Alina in the Little Palace. While still massive, the Little Palace had much more charm to it, with its lovely carvings and pearl embellishments. On days when you weren’t guarding Alina, you’d taken to sitting by the lake and watching the Second Army summoners training.

And, now that you had more officially started working as a member of Alina’s guard, the times you saw Nikolai were more manageable. Most times you saw him, there were royal officials or army generals around, so he had dialled back his smittenness with Alina compared to when you were all on the road. Moreover, he barely spoke to you, though you supposed that was because you never spoke to him. The most you conversed–though it was one-sided–was a short greeting and nod from him before you tilted your head away to watch whatever Alina was doing. He didn’t push it beyond that; he didn’t dare, knowing the anger you carried last time you two spoke. 

It felt slightly odd to you that the last time you’d actually talked to him was weeks ago when he told you of this engagement with Alina. You’d never gone that long without speaking, not since you first met him. Even before you were his second in command, he made it his mission to speak to you and every crew member on the Volkvolny at least weekly.

His greeting to you today was the same as it had become as of late. You were with Alina at a meeting of First and Second Army generals in the Grand Palace. At the end of the meeting when almost everyone had cleared the room, Nikolai approached you.

“Rietveld,” he smiled at you, giving you an almost awkward nod. But rather than keep it at that, he also said, “You look well.”

You wanted to scoff. You’d barely gotten any sleep the night before because of your nightmares. They’d returned since you started sleeping by yourself again. Night after night, you kept waking up having relived your brothers’ deaths, and there was no one with you to help you through it. 

You tilted your body away from Nikolai, doing your duty as you looked at Alina. You knew she was safe since she was just speaking with Mal, but you needed the poor excuse to turn away from the infuriating man beside you.

“I thought you might like to know that a team of Fabrikators and I are rebuilding the Hummingbird after the crash through the fold. It will be docked at the lake behind the Little Palace, so you’re welcome to visit it any time, to see how it progresses.” He spoke with all the confidence he usually exuded, though one look at him and you knew better; his eyes were nervous as he extended this small gesture of goodwill. He was worried about what you might say or do, you just knew it.

You almost said nothing, but as you looked into his eyes, you let out a short huff and grumbled, “Well let’s hope this one flies better than the last.”

“Truly,” Nikolai grinned, pleased that you’d given him a response.

You looked at Alina again and noticed she was leaving the room, so without another word, you left Nikolai.

……….

It was happening again.

You were on the streets of the Barrel, hurrying to reach your brothers after a long and stressful day of work. You wove through the alleyways, your feet moving like air; you were weightless–drifting. There was a light scraping, the prodding of the Bodymen's hooks against the cobbles, and a horrible thought came to your mind. You tried to move faster, but your feet were still drifting. All you knew was that you had to get there faster–had to say goodbye to your brothers.

Suddenly, something shifted and you were upon the tall stack of crates Jordie and Kaz were hiding behind in their time of illness. You stepped up slowly, only to see Nikolai sitting there in the place of your brothers.

He lay in a heap on the cobbles; weak with firepox, and mumbling nonsensically. Your feet could not move fast enough to be with him. 

You crumbled down to your knees beside him. And you reached for him, but he used what little strength he had still left in him to push you away. You tried again, but he swatted you back with a sick wail in his throat. Again and again, you reached for him, trying to hold him in your arms, to touch his forehead or grab his hand, to comfort him in whatever way you could, but he always evaded you.

And then when you finally got hold of his shoulders and leaned in to look at his face, he shoved you away with a great force. You were knocked down beside him, and his face turned angry–hateful.

Suddenly, he shouted at you, "This is all your fault!" 

You woke up with a start. Sweaty and shaking in the dark, you rushed to light your bedside lamp. The dim flame brought you some comfort, but as soon as you started to dwell on the images you’d dreamt, you felt nausea gripping you tight. You could taste the death in your mouth, stirring a sour, stale sickness inside you. You sat on the edge of your bed, your body doubled over and your head between your legs as you tried to shove the rot away.

You tucked your knees up to your chest as a sob tore through you. It was moments like this that made you most angry over Nikolai’s engagement; moments where you used to rely on him to help you, but where you couldn’t anymore. Since that trip to West Ravka a year and a bit ago now, he was the one to pull you out of any nightmares and back to the warm reality of his arms around you. But now for the last two months, he was all the way in another stupidly grand building. And engaged. And utterly unavailable to you. 

You huffed, shoving to your feet despite how weak your limbs felt. With a cloak over your pajamas and your boots to protect you from the autumn evening chill, you travelled out of your stifling bedroom, through the tall halls of the Little Palace, and out into the open sky of the outdoors. You gulped in the crisp air, clearing your lungs of death as you listened to the crickets. You looked out at the lake behind the Little Palace and spotted Nikolai’s new flying boat modelled after the Hummingbird. The bobbing boat beckoned you closer.

In the moonlight, your boots crunched towards the short dock on the lake. It creaked underfoot as you approached the boat. Kingfisher was written in scripted lettering on the small vessel’s stern. The deck wasn’t too large, though there appeared to be a cabin beneath it, judging by a small circular window on the port side. You noticed the flicker of candlelight through this window, and before you could turn tail and run back in the direction you came from, you heard his voice.

“Can’t sleep?” Nikolai called out to you, appearing from the open hatch of the cabin

You gulped, not wanting to meet his eyes. You muttered, “Something like that.”

“I can’t sleep either,” he said.

He stepped towards the ramp that connected the ship to the dock. You ignored how he wrung his strong and greasy hands on a cloth. You also ignored the sweat on his brow, ignored the memories of all the times you’d once worked beside him. All the times you’d admired the concentration sculpted along his beautiful face. He wasn't dressed like the prim prince you'd seen the last couple of months, he looked more like the privateer you loved.

“Would you want to come aboard and look around?” he asked softly, his voice reminiscent of all the nights you’d once spent with him by your side.

You nearly shook your head, nearly said you should go back to sleep. But the lingering fears in your mind kept you from returning to the Little Palace. All that was there for you was nightmares and a Nikolai that despised you. At least this Nikolai spoke softly, with a lingering affection.

Silently, you climbed the ramp and boarded the Kingfisher. Your arms crossed as you took in the sails and rudders, the fine lacquer keeping the fine wood intact. The sway of the waves beneath brought you some peace. It was too long since you’d sailed.

“Come check this out?” Nikolai asked of you, tilting his head towards the stern.

You stepped over to the back of the boat, keeping a secure enough distance beside him as he braced his hands on the wheel. You eyed the lever that would adjust the sails so that Squallers could lift the boat. The designs were updated, but most everything looked the same as it was on the Hummingbird. Nikolai pointed to the back mast.

“When I pull the lever now, this mast will only tilt halfway, allowing smoother steering than the last one did,” he explained, his eyes alight. He looked like a kid on the first wintery day of snowfall.

He looked over and caught you staring at him. You turned away as soon as you could, but the damage was done. The soft adoration in his eyes snapped whatever tough resolve you’d built up over the last few months, and you took a sharp breath. It came out in a shaky exhale, and you brought your hand to your mouth.

“This is all your fault!”

The words he cried in your nightmare flashed through your ears, and you felt your throat tighten. You started sobbing, nothing held back as hot tears dripped down your face. You heard Nikolai sigh softly as he realized you were crying. Without hesitation, Nikolai brought you into his arms, holding you under the watchful eye of the moon. You should have been strong enough to push him away, to remind the both of you what you’d lost. But you just weren’t strong enough. It wasn’t in you to push him away like he had pushed you away in your dream.

"What’s wrong, my darling?" He murmured into the crown of your head.

“Nightmares.” There was so much more to your pain, but this was all you could say.

His voice fell to a whisper, "Oh, darling."

He held you close, swaying you for a moment as you stood on the deck, then he ushered you to the cabin hatch. He brought you below deck, sitting down on a plain bench with you as a lantern burned in the corner. As you sat there, you felt the boat swaying gently, rocking you. 

Nikolai's one hand caressed your back, rubbing warm circles into you, as the other cradled the back of your neck, holding you securely as you leaned against his chest. He smelled like salt, grease, and pine; it was a combination so familiar and so Nikolai. You forgot what it was to breathe him in.

There was a bubble in your throat, an aching pressure on your larynx as you sobbed into his half-laced shirt. You tried to keep it inside, tried not to let the bubble burst and the truth come out, but you hadn’t been good at hiding things from him ever since the first night he saw you cry.

“I just miss you,” you whispered, praying he didn’t hear you.

His hand stilled on your back for a moment, then he kept rubbing along it. He heard, then. And yet, he didn’t say anything. He just held you to him as you kept crying. 

The scent of him lingered as you stayed in his arms. Even after you shut your eyes and felt your brain slowly falling asleep, you could smell him. The boat kept rocking, and soon enough your body fell asleep in the comfort of his familiar arms.

……….

You could hear birds when you woke up. The air smelled crisp. Your eyes blinked open, looking around at the cabin of the Kingfisher. It looked bigger in the light of dawn. You lifted your head off of Nikolai's chest.

A sick form of embarrassment took root in your chest. There was no humiliation quite like falling asleep in the arms of someone you swore you were done with. And he awoke with you, just as light a sleeper as he'd always been. He smiled softly at you, and you had to look away and get up lest you do something even more stupid.

"I should go," you said, straightening out your cloak as you went to the hatch. It was still dawn, the sun had barely risen, but you needed to be off of this ship and back into your room before people started waking up.

"Or you could stay," Nikolai replied quietly, standing with you. "We could talk about us? About last night?"

"There's nothing to talk about, Nikolai," you huffed.

"Darling, you were sobbing last night. I haven't seen you as bad as that since that time we were stranded in West Ravka." Nikolai sighed, stepping a bit closer to you. You let him grab your hand. "I made a promise to myself that night that I wouldn't let you cry alone ever again.”

You pursed your lips, saying something he knew. “You’ve already broken that promise."

“I know. I know I have, so the least I can do right now is talk and listen to you until you’re better.”

“I’m not going to get better," you scoffed.

He knew that too, you were certain of it, but he didn’t dare say it aloud. Instead, he said something much more stupid. “If I knew the people of Ravka would accept me as their king I never would have–”

“Stop,” you said tiredly, dropping your hand from his. You folded your arms around yourself. “I don’t want to argue right now. You’ve made your choice, and that’s that.”

Nikolai went quiet, his eyes dropping to the floor. You took a breath and climbed up the hatch, into the open air, and into reality. You walked across the deck, but stopped at the ramp when he cleared his throat and called your name.

"I have a test flight of the Kingfisher this afternoon." He gave a weak knock to the mast, a paltry smile on his face. "You're more than welcome to come watch.”

“I’m on duty later, I’m not sure I can come.” At your sides, your fingers balled into your cloak.

“I invited Alina already. She said she has Grisha training, but she might be able to make it.”

You nodded politely. “Then perhaps I’ll see you again later.”

“Perhaps.”

You turned to leave but he called your name again. You looked at him, watching his nervous eyes.

“I… I hope you know that you can always come to me when you’re hurting. I’ll never turn you out,” he said softly. “Or if you’re not upset but you just feel like talking to me, I’m here for you.”

His words made your blood sting. You knew he didn't mean to make you mad, that he was being sincere and kind, and yet you couldn't stop the low-boiling rage that seeped into your veins. Why he couldn't just say that he missed you and that he had made a colossal mistake, you didn't know. Why he felt the need to cloak his regret in some twisted extension of goodwill, you also didn't know. 

If you were even angrier, you might have called him a coward, but instead you shook your head and gave him another polite smile.

“Thank you, your highness, but don’t ever expect me at your door.”

He frowned and glanced out at the lake. “I wish you wouldn’t call me that. You know we’re beyond formalities.”

“I’ve nothing else to call you now besides formalities.” You turned on your heel. "Have a good day, your highness. I won't bother you like this again."

"It wasn't a bother," you heard him mutter as you descended the ramp and hurried back to the Little Palace.

……….

Your day wasn’t anything out of the ordinary. Sure, you woke up in Nikolai’s arms, but other than that nothing of note happened. You guarded Alina, you escorted her around, then you came back to the Little Palace. 

As you were turning down your bed for the night, you heard a soft knock at your door. You expected it to be one of the twins challenging you to a game of cards before bed as you sometimes did with them. So you gently called out for them to come in. 

It was not Tamar or Tolya. Or even Alina or Mal, the only other people whose quarters belonged in this wing of the Little Palace. It was someone who was not supposed to be here.

"No," you shook your head at him as you glanced back and saw him. You hadn't snapped at Nikolai this morning, but as he shut the door behind him you felt the urge to chew him up and spit him out. "Are you crazy? What are you doing here?"

"You said you wouldn't bother me, but I made no promises not to come and bother you," He said with a playful shrug. "Besides, last night reminded me of how terribly I sleep without you."

"You shouldn't be here, you'll be caught," you said quietly, though with a measured level of anger.

"By whom? The twins? Mal? Alina? They all know our feelings for each other, and they won't care."

You crossed your arms. "Well, I care. Staying with you on that damned boat last night was a momentary lapse of judgment, not an invitation to make this into a habit."

"To me, it's just a way to sleep better," he said softly, stepping a bit closer to you. "I would rather have four hours of high-quality sleep with you in my arms and have to sneak back to the Grand Palace while it's still dark. The alternative is tossing and turning alone in my bed because I feel so incredibly alone I could scream."

“I don’t care if you’re lonely! I don’t care!" You stormed up to him, glaring a hole into his beautiful hazel eyes. "I'm lonely too, but I don’t cry about it to you. Because what good would it do? Would it change your mind? No, it wouldn’t."

Nikolai raises his brows slightly, a signal he's about to talk, but you cut him off with a huff.

"So, your highness, no matter what you say to me, no matter how badly you want me to, I will not warm your bed. Not if there is no real future with me by your side as anything more than a mistress that you hide away from the world!” 

He opened his mouth to try to speak again but a loud knock on the door cut him off before he could.

You raised a hand in front of him in a halting motion. “Don’t. Don’t say whatever it is you’re going to say. I don’t want to hear any more on the subject or I will leave Os Alta. I will pack my things and head for the coast. Because I won’t do this. I… I can’t.”

You ignored the tremble in your lip as you watched him stand there, dejected. Something in the way he stood made him look like a small child after a scolding. It was almost enough to make you feel bad for lashing out at him. Almost.

Another knock at the door made you take a breath, and you stepped back from Nikolai again.

“Come in,” you called out.

The door opened to Tamar, Tolya, Mal and Alina standing in the hall. Great, you thought, you’d woken everyone with your yelling. With your luck, all of the Little Palace heard your grievances.

Tamar and Tolya came to your side, not-so-subtly standing between you and Nikolai. Mal and Alina remained in the doorway.

“Is everything alright?” Tamar asked, carefully looking between you two.

“Nikolai was just leaving,” you muttered.

“Good. I’ll walk him back,” Tolya said.

“I’ll go too,” Mal piped in.

Nikolai shook his head with a sad little frown. “I don’t need you to–”

“C’mon, your highness.” Tolya ushered him from the room.

The last you saw of him was an ashamed glance he cast over his shoulder as he passed Alina in the doorway. Once he was gone you approached the summoner.

“I’m sorry for waking you,” you said to her. You looked at Tamar. “You and the others as well.”

“It’s alright.” Alina gave you a paltry smile. “If you want me to, I can punch him again.”

“Same,” Tamar said. “Or I’ll get Tolya to do it. That would be a spectacle.”

You chuckled. “That won’t be necessary. But thank you.”

When you looked at Alina again you saw a guilty gleam in her eyes. She almost matched Nikolai’s levels of shame as she wrought her hands. Then she suddenly hugged you. 

“I’m sorry,” she mumbled beside your head.

You wrapped your arms around her. 

It wasn’t her fault, though you couldn’t deny that you resented her a little. She would have the greatest love of your life, living in the peaceful eye of a hurricane, while you would be caught up in the worst storm imaginable, peering through to them with desolate eyes as you tried not to lash out and harm them.

But it still wasn’t her fault. It was squarely on Nikolai. And yet, you couldn’t bring yourself to say anything to her, to so much as accept her apology.

Alina let go of you, and she and Tamar said their goodnights.

You couldn’t sleep, so you lay in bed, watching the stars through your window. 

You recalled starry nights at sea, when the sky and the water were one with twinkling specs of white on the darkest blue you’d ever seen. Nights when you were happy, wrapped in a warm and familiar pair of arms, and the worst kind of storm you knew of only involved heavy rain on the deck of a ship.

……….

As luck would have it, there was a hunting party leaving the next day. Mal was going, and after the fiasco with Nikolai the night before, he invited you to join him and the group of nobles and high-ranking military faces on this hunt.

You gladly seized the opportunity to be away from the palace for a spell, and now you were riding horseback alongside Mal. The last time you'd ridden beside him was the road to Os Alta, but you shoved that memory aside. Nikolai was there then, putting on the show of his engagement for the Ravkan people. Saints, no matter what you were doing or what memory you carried he always seemed to linger, staining your mind and your every moment. 

You shut your eyes for a second, your grip tight on your reins.

"Everything alright?” Mal’s voice reached your ears.

You glanced at him. “I’m fine.”

“Rietveld,” he started, eyes darting around before he lowered his volume. “I hope you can enjoy yourself this week. You deserve the time away from it all.”

“I know.” You nodded. “I just… I don’t know how to get through this.”

“Well, you’re faring better than our lovely prince.”

Were you though? You might have been the one to reject him last night, but you were also the one who broke down in front of him then passed out in his arms the night before. You supposed neither of you were taking this well.

“And how are you and Alina?" You asked quietly.

He turned his eyes ahead. "We're…"

You nodded after a long moment when he could not respond. "Yeah. I get that."

"It's a bit shit, isn't it?"

"A whole bucket-load of shit is more like it."

He shrugged in agreement.

……….

While you could admit it was a marvel watching Mal tracking, the hunting part of the trip was not nearly as interesting as the evening dinners. You'd be sat at tables between Ravkan lords and generals and dignitaries, listening to their stories and answering their questions. Speaking with them reminded you of your time with Lady Trokowsky; so many of them were as curt and prim as her. And though some of them were also a bit pompous for your liking, you held your own in their conversations. Plus, when there was wine and good food, even the most irritable guests were made tolerable.

"Were you really a sailor, Ms. Rietveld?" One of the lords asked you on the third night. "Grigor here says you were, but I can't imagine you at sea." 

"And why's that, my lord?" You raised a brow. "Do you not think me capable?"

"Oh, not at all! Aside from our esteemed Oretsev here, you've shot the most game--I think you are very capable indeed. I just can't envision a young woman as refined as you in the life of a sailor."

"You think I'm refined? My lord, you flatter me," you said, smiling politely and tilting your glass at him. That was what Lady Trokowsy used to do when paid a compliment; you took your cues in manners from your time with her. You noticed Mal leaning forward in his seat.

"Ms. Rietveld is more than accomplished. If I'm not mistaken, she knows five languages, she can track and divide large sums all in her head and without paper, she's quite gifted with a sword, plus if you're bleeding and broken she's great to have around when there's no corporalniks nearby."

The table guests all nodded their heads, murmuring in approval, and you gave a slight look of thanks to Mal. As their new favourite hunting guest, his word meant a lot to these people. You were grateful for their good opinion; you hoped perhaps one of them might offer you a job or help you once you one day decided to leave Alina's guard.

Dinner carried on, with many of the guests asking you more about yourself or even just your opinion on local matters or the state of the war. They all seemed pleased by your answers, and you left for your tent that night feeling good about yourself and your future. Mal walked with you, and he nudged you with his elbow.

"We've got a future diplomat on our hands," he smiled.

"Well, you helped out quite a bit."

"I said one thing. The rest of that was all you, Rietveld. You charmed them all by yourself."

You sighed at his words. A small grin took up your face. "I kind of did, didn't I?"

"You definitely did." He turned to you as you stood outside your tent. "I'm glad you came on this trip. And I'm glad you got to see what kind of life you might have ahead of you."

"And what kind of life is that?" 

"A life of rubbing elbows with the Ravkan 'elite.' You're already pretty good at it, but it's nice practice for once you're one of them."

You gave him a look. "Mal, that's never going to happen." 

"It will once Nikolai marries you," he smirked.

You frowned at his chipperness. "He's already engaged, remember?"

He lowered his voice, looking around to check if anyone was nearby. "Alina's not going to marry him. Trust me. She doesn't want that life. When all is said and done, she won't go through with it."

"And you think he'd just marry me?" You asked in an irritated whisper.

"Yes. He loves you."

"I have nothing to offer him. At least Alina's a saint."

"He loves you, Rietveld," Mal repeated.

You looked at him, saw the certainty in his eyes, and had to look away again. You hated how sure he seemed. How confident he was, even though you knew better and he should know better too. Even if Alina didn't end up marrying him, Nikolai wouldn't marry you. The last few months had shown that. He would no doubt choose a princess or a very rich man's daughter, of which you were neither of those things.

"I'll see you tomorrow, Oretsev," you muttered, then ducked into your tent. 

……….

Alina was there to greet you and Mal when you arrived at the Little Palace. But unfortunately, Mal kept riding to the stables, practically ignoring Alina. You had no idea what happened there between them to have him ice her out like that; all trip Mal had only complimentary things to say about Alina. Still, you supposed if any of the hunting party asked your opinion of Nikolai you would only say favorable things.

Regardless, Alina was there to offer you a hug and walk with you inside the Little Palace.

"How was your trip?" She inquired.

"Good. It was nice to be away for a bit," you said, remembering the tense circumstances before you'd left. "And nice to spend time with Mal. He's a good friend, even if he embellishes a bit."

"Saints, he embellished what exactly?" She raised her brows worriedly.

"Well, he was talking me up to some of the guests and he made me out to be some daring and sophisticated hero."

"Why's that?" She chuckled.

"No idea why. At one point he even said I went to the university of Ketterdam and graduated top of my class. Meanwhile, I was never educated past fifteen years old; I was raised on a farm, for saint's sake."

"Well, I'm glad he talked you up." She smiled at you. "I'm sure it made those stuffy lords and generals more pleasant to be around if they thought you were admirable."

"I suppose it did." You looked at her. "He talked you up too. Turned more than a few of them on to your side as the new leader of the second army."

"He did?"

"Yeah, he's really good at all of that."

A gentle silence filled the air. You weren't sure if it was because you'd told her what Mal got up to while they were apart, but she decided to talk about what Nikolai had been up to. Apparently, he mostly spent his time fine-tuning the Kingfisher or a number of other inventions he'd set up work on near the Summoner Pavillion. 

"Also, last week he did something odd," Alina said as you arrived at the wing where both of your rooms were.

"Odd how?" You asked.

"Well, we were meeting with the royal family's jeweller." She saw the quizzical curve of your brow and added, "For Nikolai's birthday next month."

You pursed your lips. "Oh. Right."

"Part of the preparations was getting fitted for outfits and choosing which royal jewels and crowns to wear. It was a lot." She sighed. "And when we were going through the royal jewels, that’s when he did something odd."

"Oh?"

"The jeweller was showing off different crowns and tiaras for me," Alina blushed slightly, "and when he pulled out some sapphire crown, Nikolai lost it for a second."

The mention of a sapphire crown made your face burn. Could it be the crown you'd helped Nikolai recover? The crown he'd once put on your head and called you moya tsaritsa--his queen? Your heart hammered in your chest.

"He…" You furrowed your brows. "He lost it? What do you mean by that?"

Alina leaned in conspiratorially, lowering her voice despite how you were alone.

"Well, I wouldn't compare it with other people's losing it, but for Nikolai, it definitely made him lose it. He's usually so calm and everything, but he looked upset. He got all pale and then he looked at the jeweller and sternly said something like 'I told you very specifically not to put that crown in the selection.' And when the jeweller said that the queen wanted me to pick from everything, Nikolai started to go red, and he said 'I don't care what my mother said. This crown isn't to be worn.'"

Your lips parted slightly, and you glanced away for a moment, parsing out what she'd said.

Had Nikolai really been that upset over seeing that sapphire crown on display? You cared to know what upset him about it. Was it the sight of it? Or was it the thought that Alina might have picked the crown he foolishly thought you would one day wear? You weren't sure. You didn't even know if he had actually thought you could be his queen; but regardless, he had to know now that you weren't an option.

Alina chuckled slightly. "That's odd, right?"

"Yeah…" You said softly. "Odd."

……….

It was your first day off after you'd gotten back from the hunting outing. So, like most of your days off, you decided to take a walk on the Little Palace grounds. There was a pretty path behind the lake, and you were admiring the changing leaves of the trees all around you. It was understandable then that you didn't notice someone's sudden presence.

A throat cleared ahead of you on the path and you instantly snapped into focus. Your eyes landed on Nikolai and you almost sighed but then your jaw tensed instead. Since you got back you had seen him while on guard, but you hadn't been alone with him since that night he'd snuck to your room. You were afraid that the furious nature of your last conversation would only continue if you spoke again.

He gave you a slight smile and a polite nod. His hands were clasped behind his back. You took in his clothes, the slightly unkempt way his fine shirt was tucked, and the grease spot on his trousers. He must have been working on the Kingfisher again when he saw you walk by and chose to follow you. Still, he didn't look like he was in the mood for an argument either, not with his diplomatic smile.

"How was your hunting trip?" He asked, finally breaking the silence between you.

"Fine," was all you said.

He nodded, shifting his weight on his feet. "I hope you weren't too bored with all the lords and generals. I know how dreadful those trips can be."

"It was fine, really," you said, crossing your arms. "Mal is a good friend to have around those sorts. He and I spent all the time while we weren't shooting to talk up our little saint; to win public opinion of her."

"I didn't think Oretsev was clever enough for that," Nikolai grumbled, the annoyance of his words hidden under a smile. "Using influential lords and the likes to bolster the public's opinion of Alina… good on him, I suppose. It's a smart tactic."

Something about his words, or perhaps his slight irritation and the fact that he had no right to be irritated, irked you to no end.

"You hypocrite," you scoffed. "You frown down on Mal for using these lords and changing their opinions to help your fiance, and yet it's you who's engaged to her just to use her sainthood to bolster your claim to the throne."

Nikolai chuckled lightly. “And she is using me so that my family doesn't declare her and all the other Grisha enemies of Ravka. I wasn't frowning down on Oretsev for using these hunting parties. Using people for one's own advantage happens all the time in politics.”

“So I’ve learned," you said, your eyes narrowed slightly on him. You watched him for a moment. "Were you using me?”

“What?” He turned to you, his eyes turning from slight amusement to a blinking bewilderment. “Of course I wasn’t using you,” he said softly. “Do you really think I was using you?”

“I don’t know what to think anymore, Nikolai. You told me you wanted us, now and always. You put a crown on my head and called me your queen.” You tugged your simple chain out from under your shirt and let Nikolai’s ring dangle on it. “You gave me a ring that I, very stupidly, believed meant something… And then you made me feel like an idiot for thinking you could ever be mine–that I could ever share my life with a prince.”

"You still wear the ring?" His eyes seemed hopeful.

"I… that's what you've latched onto?" You blinked at him.

He stepped closer to you. His eyes were earnest. "I'm sorry. I wasn't using you. It was always love between us; I wasn't going to exploit that."

"No, instead you broke it."

You saw it on his face. Yes, I broke it, was written in the mournful line of his mouth as his eyes drooped to his shoes.

"If I could take it all back," he said quietly, "I would. And you would be happy and I could stop worrying and it would all be back to the way it was before."

Your fingers balled up at your sides as you scowled. "And how was it before? You expect me to believe you would have married me once you were back to being a prince? When you were still Sturmhond you were so ashamed of me that we didn't even let the crew know we were together!"

"I wasn't ashamed–" he started but you stepped closer to him, eyes furious.

"Why would I believe you'd ever let the royal court know you wanted to be with a common sailor?"

"Because I would!" He exclaimed, a desperate glint in his eye as he brushed his hands through his hair. "Because I love you and--despite what you think–I am not ashamed of that love. I never have been."

He took your hand, and--ignoring the urge to break free and slap him or shove him into the dirt–you let him. He took a breath, letting his eyes meet yours again once he was ready.

“What I’m trying to say is that I–"

Nikolai cut himself off at the sound of footsteps approaching. He dropped your hand and took a step back, and you pretended his actions didn't sting. The approaching footsteps turned out to be Vasily, and you kept down the groan you wanted to make.

"Vasily," Nikolai nodded.

He put on a charming smile, though his chest rose and fell quickly. You didn't need to read his mind to know what he was thinking because you were thinking the same thing--how much had his brother seen between you two? It was a wonder with the way Vasily stared so skeptically at you both.

"Who's this you're speaking with, brother?" Vasily asked, sleazily eyeing every part of you besides your narrowed stare.

"This is Rietveld," Nikolai answered calmly, though you noticed how his hands were desperately trying to not ball up at his sides. "She was my second in command at sea, now she's one of Alina's guards."

He sneered as he glanced between you and Nikolai. "Ah yes, one of your… crewmates. Seems quite pretty for a sailor. I think you spoke about her before… didn't you say she was Kerch?" He addressed you. "Are you Kerch, girl?

"Yes," you replied with gritted teeth. He bent a superior eyebrow and you added, "Moi Tsarevich," with the bow of your head.

"A Kerch sailor," he mused. "I wonder where you met her… Was it Ketterdam?"

"Yes, brother," Nikolai said, his words carrying a careful twinge of annoyance.

"Such a pretty thing… I wonder, where in Ketterdam could you have found her?" He made no attempt to hide how he watched you like you were a piece of meat. "Did you pluck her from the Barrel?"

"Vasily," Nikolai warned with a low voice.

"I imagine she came from somewhere lush and expensive, at least I hope you didn't buy her out of one of the cheap brothels. Though she does have the scowl of a cheap whore."

Nothing more could be said on the topic, as Nikolai's fist came in contact with Vasily's jaw. You heard an ugly thwack sound, and Vasily stumbled backwards, landing on his ass on the dustiness of the dirt path.

"You filthy mutt!" Vasily spat. "You nearly knocked all my teeth loose!"

You expected Nikolai to straighten out with a diplomatic apology, sarcastically citing a lapse in judgment or pretending his arm had spasmed. You expected him to act as prince, but at this moment he was privateer instead. He bent down beside his brother and grabbed him by the collar.

"If I ever hear you speak about her like that again, I will punch you so hard you bite off your own tongue," Nikolai threatened. "Am I understood, brother?"

"Some brother you pretend to be–"

Nikolai's grip tightened. "Am I understood?"

"Yes," Vasily sneered.

Nikolai let go of him and stood to his full height, dusting himself off. He was back to being a dignified prince. "Good."

Nikolai glanced at you then glanced down the path in the direction back to the Little Palace. You took the hint, and silently but with quick steps, the two of you walked along.

The image of Vasily in the dirt brought you joy, though you couldn't say the same for the way Nikolai threatened him. Nikolai's actions frustrated you to no end, making you frown as you walked. It wasn't his job to do that, to fight for you, but he was a fool who treated it like his duty.

Once the Little Palace was in sight, you spoke to him.

"I've dealt with worse than Vasily, I don't need you to defend me," you asserted.

He looked at you. "I know you don't, but I wanted to."

"You don't get to anymore," you said, "you have a fiance to defend instead now."

Nikolai scoffed. "He called you a whore, what else was I supposed to do?"

"Let it slip by. Defending me is not worth the wrath of your brother."

"Please, I've already earned his wrath just by existing." He smiled. "And besides, it was nice to give him a whack like that. He deserved it for what he said."

You wanted to agree with him that Vasily deserved a whack, but you held firm. It was hard to tell if you were just being contrary for the fun of it or if you meant it.

"You shouldn't let him get under your skin," you muttered. "Don't do that again, Nikolai."

He slowed and you slowed with him. Stopped in the shade from the Little Palace, he looked at you, his stare earnest.

"I could tell you I will only let myself lash out at him just this once, but I would be lying." You thought he might hold your hand, but as he reached for you he thought the better of it and clasped his hands behind his back. "I would be lying, because if he–or anyone else for that matter--speaks about you like that again, hitting him would be the least of what I'd do."

……….

FIFTH YEAR - KAZ

Kaz didn't know why he was in Lij. 

He hadn't been in his hometown since he moved away from it at nine years old. But he was walking the harbours of Ketterdam on his day off from the Crow Club and saw a boat travelling down the coast to the southern farmlands of Kerch. Next thing he knew, he was sailing away from Ketterdam. 

Then he was in his old, simple little world. Acres upon acres of farmland, a town square with market vendors and people who smiled at other people without trying to steal their wallets… it all seemed so foreign to him now. 

He went up the hill to his old farmhouse first. It had sat in disrepair for a few years now since his siblings moved to the city. The fields were wildly overgrown, but it still looked like a plot of good land. Kaz trudged through the weeds to the barn out back. It only took him four seconds to pick the lock on the barn door. The inside was empty, but it still looked alright.

He didn't dwell for long, though. He stood in the barn, shut his eyes for a moment, breathed in the farm air, thought briefly of his family--of how he missed them--then he left.

He relocked the barn, instinctively leaving it how it was found, then set out on another path down the hill.

Kaz passed by the well-kept house of Old Lady Trokowsky. How that Ravkan bat frightened him when he was younger. He had no idea how his sister managed to visit with her every other day just to read to her and keep her company. As Kaz recalled, her tongue was always so sharp, and she would shout at him and Jordie from the upper porch above her front door whenever they got into the slightest bit of mischief.

He wondered for a moment if she was still alive; in his memory, she seemed ancient, after all. 

A broken post on her otherwise perfect fence caught his eye, and he nudged it with his foot.

"Rietveld? Jordan Rietveld!" A worn voice called out as soon as his boot made contact with the post. 

Kaz's eyes snapped wide in surprise, and he instinctively straightened out at the memory of reprimands gone past. He looked up to the porch above her front door, and sure enough, sitting there by the railing was Old Lady Trokowsky. He would have smiled at the sight of a familiar face if he wasn't so frightened of her.

"Jordan Rietveld, what are you doing to my fence? And what are you doing back in Lij? Your family's supposed to be in Ketterdam!" 

Kaz blinked up at her. Did she really think he was his brother? That he was Jordie?

"Well, young man?" Her gravelly old voice called down to him again.

He felt like a child under her eyes. He was fourteen now, yet he felt like he was six and following along with whatever trouble Jordie was getting into.

Trokowsky waved an arm in a resigned manner. "Oh, come inside, boy. I've got hot chocolate and cookies that I'm too old to stomach now. Eat and talk with me, Jordan."

Kaz paused at the gate. He wanted to pass by and head back to the town, but he felt a strange desire to go into her house. The closest he'd gotten to the house was standing in the doorway with Jordie when Da would sometimes send them to fetch their sister home early; the inside of it was always a mystery to him.

He passed through the gate and went up the stone path. It felt like he'd get in trouble, but he opened the front door and peered into the front hall. A caretaker for the bat came down the stairs to greet him. She directed him up the stairs and straight to the front where Lady Trokowsky would be waiting on the upper porch. 

His eyes roamed the walls as he went upstairs. All these Ravkan portraits and plaques adorning her house--the burgeoning criminal in him told him he should swipe something, but he ignored the urge. His sister had always spoken highly of Trokowsky, despite how the bat would shout at him and Jordie, so he would respect his sister by respecting the bat's belongings.

He stepped onto the upper porch and noticed immediately that her eyes had a slight wispiness to them that no doubt impaired her vision. Cataracts, if that was the right term. This was likely why she didn't recognize him as Kaz but as his brother.

"Ah, Jordan Rietveld," she greeted in her worn voice, gesturing to the rocking chair beside hers. "It's been years, hasn't it?"

Kaz nodded and took a seat beside her. "Yes."

"How are you, boy? How is the city treating you?" 

Like hell.

That's what he wanted to say. He'd been chewed up at spit back out by Ketterdam. He was rising through the ranks of the Dregs, but not without a few scrapes and tussles. He'd grown to be a swindler and a scammer, though he supposed that information would be quite useless to this old lady.

"Very well," he lied, feeling compelled to smile for the bat. "I've just been promoted at work."

"Oh, isn't that wonderful?" 

She did something that was nearly a smile. Her wrinkly face tightened slightly with the weak force of her mouth muscles, stretching her lips in a kind position.

"And how is that young brother of yours? Is he still as much trouble as you?" She chuckled fondly.

"Kaz is dead," Kaz said bluntly. He almost didn't realize he said it at first, but then he noticed Trokowsky's face fall.

"Oh dear… I'm sorry to hear that. Your sister always spoke so highly of her baby brother," she said with a sad coo.

Kaz glanced away over the balcony. "Well, she's gone now too. Moved across the world."

"I suppose that explains why she stopped writing to me." Trokowsky sighed. "I thought she might have passed in that plague–what a terrible, terrible bout of firepox it was this last time…" 

If only she knew, Kaz mused, holding back a wry smile.

"Do you ever see her? I'd love for you to tell her I say hello and that I miss her company," she said softly.

He didn't have the heart to tell her the truth. "I see her every few months. She comes to visit me in Ketterdam, or I go visit her in Novyi Zem."

"Oh, good. I'm glad to hear that." She smiled again. "Your family has suffered enough without being separated by something so trivial as the sea."

It seemed as though Lady Trokowsky might have said more on the matter, but a sudden coughing fit wracked through her. Kaz's body recoiled from her wheezing. It brought back memories of plague. 

He balled his gloved hands into fists and he looked away from her as he waited for her coughing to end. She recovered from her fit, and he stayed long enough to finish his hot chocolate and eat three cookies while he listened to a couple of stories from the bat. But he didn't stay much longer than that. Trowkowsy grew tired, in need of an afternoon nap as the elderly sometimes need. She gave him a kind parting smile as her caretaker wheeled her to her room.

Kaz waited in the main foyer until the nurse came downstairs again. He procured a Crow Club card from his pocket and handed it to the caretaker.

"Please let me know when she passes," he nodded to the caretaker.

Then he left and went down to the town square again, heading for the municipal office. He tried to acquire his family's farm back from the township. He didn't quite have enough money to buy it back yet, but he knew he would put it under Jordie's name when he did. Or perhaps Jordie's middle name would lend itself better as the ink on a dotted line. Either way, he could not secure the deed today, so he found his way to a ship bound up the coast to Ketterdam, back to the city of thieves and barterers.

A few months later, Kaz received a short letter. Lady Trokowsky had died of her old age. 

At her funeral, the name card on the grandest bouquet of flowers gifted was simply: "The Rietvelds."

..........

A/N: Thanks so much for reading! Feel free to like, reblog, and comment on this new part--I really appreciate the feedback! If you want to be tagged in this series or to be added to the Nikolai taglist please comment on this part or send me an ask. Otherwise, I hope you have a great day/night :)

Part 7

Masterlist

Taglist: I will reblog this part with the tags because there's too many of you to tag and tumblr won't let me do it all at once

#nikolai lantsov x reader #nikolai lantsov fanfic #nikolai lantsov x you #nikolai lantsov fic #grishaverse fanfic #nine long years

[jeanbie]

SHARKBAIT ★ masterlist.

pairing: tolya x reader

warnings: long distance relationships, set after s2 | wc: 6.9k

note: i'm pining over tolya right now. also i know a loooot of fans view tolya as aroace so hopefully this reaches the right audience (and if the show runners or leigh ever confirm this then pls tell me)!!

⏤ Tolya can go months without seeing your face, but he can make out your shape in the darkness of the ship when you steal your visits, fleeing when the sun begins to light up the decks.

Tolya knew what it meant to long, to pine, to wonder and yearn for something you couldn't have. He saw it a thousand times with his poems, between the lines and in each stanza where a romance formed with metaphors and analogies; he saw it in his crew as they busied themselves across an unsteady ocean, searching for purpose and meaning in the vastness of blue and brown. He even saw it in his sister and passing maidens, in his captain and his need to be seen as something more than an amplifier, and he saw it in his own life- with his faith and his resilience, with his own novice works of poetry tucked into journals in his bunk, and in the whispers of silence between the two of you whenever he saw you again, and especially in the stretches of days where he didn't see you at all.

On board the Volkvolny, for what felt like years on end, Tolya had nothing but time to become familiar with what it meant to long. He'd stare out across the expanse of the sea, outlining your body in the clouds as they dipped below the horizon, in the waves rippling under the ship as it sailed away from Os Kervo to Kerch. Sometimes he thought he could make out your shape in the darkness of his bunk, a thin ghostly outline come to haunt him in his sleep, to torment his dreams. Often he woke up to a fading outline of body just to the side of his hammock, remembering that you weren't there, and wouldn't be for some time.

He supposed that he was lucky to be on this ship, with the world at his hands. There were days where he was so caught up in the passion of his work, alongside his never-faltering faith, that he didn't have time to think of you, instead only stumbling into your body through dreams, where you came to him as easily as the sea to the shore. Today hadn't been one of those days, and he feared that the crew on board the Volkvolny knew it too well.

It started off with his last nightmare. Taking steps together on a shoreline that looked like it belonged to a dip of earth in Shu Han, Tolya met you on the sands, his hand slotted into your own as he followed behind you, stepping into your sunken footprints. Tolya had been inches from your mouth before he was ripped away with the sound of horns and laughter, drops of water leaking through the deck overhead. Work was demanding his consciousness, and the image of you remained only on his eyelids as he groaned, rubbing his eyes sleepily. He'd gone about his day relatively normally after that, or about as normally as he could stomach it. Tamar had seen the worst of his mood- she watched him heave himself up the stairs to the deck with a frown deep on his face, an ache at the corner of his lips tugging down. The front he performed of happiness did little to arouse his crewmates, although they joined the spectacle, letting him think he was giving a performance of a lifetime.

For a while, his mood had settled. He'd only counted seeing you in hallucinations maybe three times, but he'd stopped counting after the third, and couldn't be sure if his mind was allowing him to stick with three for the sake of his own sanity. He'd spotted you in the twist of water under the bowsprit, once in the ripple of the sails and again in the clouds. After the third, his mood was so sour that he opted to be silent for the day's voyage. People never thought they'd miss the sound of his poetry until he took his pitiful vows of silence.

Saints, how he missed you. Each time you were gone, Tolya regretted every second of silence between the two of you, every time he passed up the chance to tell you how much he loved you. And each time you were here, back with him in his arms, he couldn't seem to find the words. You weren't part of the crew on voyage with the Volkvolny, although you were never not welcome as far as Sturmhond was concerned. It was just that you preferred being on land, seeking out thrills and leads and injustice, trying to piece together the gaps in your history. Tolya knew that was what held you to the Crows, and what Inej often said was your lifeline away from him. Still, Tolya yearned for the days you were back with him, however short and fleeting. Months could pass at sea and when he saw you again, it would be like no time had passed at all.

Kerch loomed in the distance. From the crow's nest, he was told that through the spyglass, the oblong shapes of Ketterdam ports could be seen, the buildings packed together tightly and the smoke rising in the air, thick and dark like fires were blooming in the streets. It would be about two days of sailing, if the winds kept up, but if they were lucky, they might arrive ahead of schedule. Tolya couldn't count the moments quick enough- two days would be agonising until he saw you again.

"Yeesh. I kinda miss your poetry right now." Tamar crept up from behind Tolya on the hull of the ship. Not far from where Tolya was standing, with his elbows holding his body up on the side of the beams, was Jacob's ladder, hitting the side of the vessel with irritating small clicks.

Tolya glanced at her, a smile naturally falling into place. As foul as his mood might have been, there was always room in his heart for his sister. "That's something I'll never hear you say again."

His sister grinned. "I'm serious! Go on, give me something?"

Tolya replied with quiet laughter, and Tamar did the same. The twins shared their laughter for a moment before finishing in silence, and Tamar stole a glance as her brother cast his gaze to the water, curving like ribbons around the underbelly of the ship.

"Missing her?" she asked softly.

Tolya rolled his eyes, but saying nothing was as good as admitting it. 

"You know," Tamar continued, spinning so her back was pressed against the beams, "you could always just ask her to come with you." She gestured to the prow, "come with us."

"She wouldn't want to do that," Tolya said, shaking his head.

"Oh, so you asked her already?"

"Well— no."

"Then how'd you know?" 

Tolya sighed, twisting his head. He knew that you were as good as a Crow— although not exactly affiliated in whatever Kaz did or did not do, anybody who knew you knew that you did work for Kaz that filled the gap Inej made on the quest to find her brother. Even before that, you'd told Tolya that Kaz occasionally found himself asking for your help with requests that extended outside of his immediate access. You had been of some help to him finding the name of the slaver ships and traders, of which the Volkvolny was sailing back to Kerch to deliver rescued shipment (one lacking Inej's brother in tow, and the slaver who sold them). 

Your place was on land, on high ground. A bird could fly at sea, yes, but he feared you'd grow restless with little purpose on the ship. Everybody had a place and a role—he knew that simply being there for him wouldn't be a good enough reason for you to abandon whatever work you had unfinished on dry land, which is why he'd never asked you to come in the first place.

Tolya turned to face Tamar, eyeing her side-profile as she meticulously assessed the state of the ship. Many crewmates were down below, rifling through Shu poker cards and coins and sharing ghost stories with cups of ale and wine. 

"Have you ever been so scared of losing something good?" he asked suddenly, making Tamar look back at him. 

"All the time," she replied. 

Tolya dared a glance back at the ocean, relieved that he didn't find you there. "Every time I see her again, it's like magic. Bigger and grander than any kind of Saint-like act. She becomes the most important thing in the room." He blinked. "I don't want that feeling to go away."

Tamar tilted her head, as if to say, 'Go on'. There was a comfort in their twinnish bond, but even with that, Tolya struggled to find the words. Writing poetry was easy—every embarrassing thought could be passed off as fictional prose, but in a conversation it wasn't quite as easy to put on a façade. At the best of times, Tolya was as cool as a sea-cucumber, with an easy going air that put people at ease. Just another performance of a lifetime, but he didn't have to pretend sometimes when he was with his sister.

"We're just very different," Tolya said cautiously, almost like he didn't believe it were true as he said it. "I'm worried she might grow too used to me. Might get restless."

"Bored, you mean?" Tamar interrupted. When Tolya said nothing, she threw herself into extended conversation, "Brother, she adores you. That kind of love is special. And if she didn't love you more when you were doing what you do best- as in, meandering around this beast with your poetry and stupid jokes-" He looked at her with a rising smile- "-then you'd be better off for it."

His stomach churned. He didn't want to be better off without you. 

"Besides," Tamar offered her last words of comfort before pushing herself up and away from him, "there are thousands of men and women in the world for her to see each passing day, and yet she still falls into those arms of yours when we arrive in Ketterdam. If she can love you from a hundred miles away, then I think she'll manage loving you and your quirks on the open sea."

There was an insufferable ache in Tolya's chest whenever he thought back to his conversation with Tamar. 

He'd busied himself the next day, throwing himself into heavy work around the ship as it sailed nearer to the coastline. His crewmates were thankful to see him in reasonably good spirits— Sturmhond had been particularly put off by his lack of comedic timing the day before, and had tried to think back to his own experiences with Alina back in Ravka, putting the pieces together in his own time— but they knew it was bought time with Tolya's pleasantries. Tolya wouldn't be at ease until they docked and only then could his mind be put at ease. It was always the days before returning to Ketterdam where Tolya seemed at his darkest, and it had happened enough times that they should all be used to it, but the sight of his downturned face never got any easier to process.

Night ensued, the moon casting a fickle light to the ocean as it lulled to a cool and calm tempo. The winds were kind tonight, not carrying the wind in an angry gust, and the waves were short and fluid. No storms hid behind thick flurries of clouds, and the creatures below whipped their fins and tails in harmony— no trouble would come tonight, he thought, and glad of it.

Tolya lay in his hammock, staring at the wooden boards above his head. Around him, his crew slept in peaceful slumbers, and to the far side of the room he could see the auburn light of Sturmhond's—now Mal, now that the charade was over— little black lamp sheltered next to a book he'd inherited with his title, now reading to fall asleep. Tolya sighed, his gaze back above. 

The glow of light to his left allowed room for your shape to slowly appear, just an outline that got more hazy in his memory as the months went by. He gulped, the lump in his throat hard and sour tasting, and he closed his eyes quickly to throw away the image of you. Yet you remained, imprinted on his eyelids, smiling as he found sleep to take him away into the night.

When he awoke, he could hear the caw of gulls and loud voices beyond the ship, louder than what he knew his crew to be capable of. Tolya stirred for a moment before coming to his senses, his eyes honing in on the same spot he'd last seen you in above his slumbering form. The forecastle was bathed with yellow light, with the sun at an angle pouring down through the hatch to the upper deck, and as he awoke, Tolya could smell the distinct scent of crab hooks and wet moss, the lingering scent of oil and sewage and copper. Strange, he thought.

Balancing on the hammock, Tolya raised himself with his elbow and stole a glance around the forecastle. Two men lay snoring, too drunk the night before, and he noticed a third figure at the foot of his hammock, their back to him but hiding nothing about their identity. His heart lurched, he baulked, and the hammock twisted beneath him with a sudden jolt and his body was sent to the floor with a thud and a grunt.

"Easy, sharkbait."

Tolya's head whipped up quickly, the click in his neck aching. It was you- Y/N, his beloved Y/N, dressed in a blue coat that looked like Mal's. Underneath you wore a dark brown shirt tucked into your trousers—today the attire was more casual, for when you were at work you wore black and black alone. Inej told him it was to blend in with the night, but Tolya reckoned it was also because it flattered you.

You smiled at him warmly, laughing when he didn't move from the floor.

"Come on. Don't tell me after a few months you've forgotten this face?"

Tolya's mouth opened and closed. "What—no! How could I—wait, is that Mal's coat?"

He heard your laugh again as you drew near, pulling his bicep to pick him up off the floor. You were more than capable of pulling his weight, but you still found fun in pretending you couldn't. Tolya rose from the floor, both of his salt-soaked hands gently wrapping around your wrists as he faced you. A smile dawned on his lips as he drank in the image of you; fully fleshed out, solid, real, not a figment of his desperate imagination.

"I saw him up top," you told him. "He looks good as Sturmhond, right? I was almost charmed." You said it with a grin that made Tolya think otherwise, and you shuffled closer towards his torso, the action welcomed as his grip fastened slightly around your arms. 

"Charmed enough to take his clothes?" Tolya asked. He knew that there would never be anything there with Mal—Saints, everybody knew that. Mal was too busy having his own mental quarrels with Alina to entertain the thought of somebody else, and well, you seemed perfectly content being charmed by a different captain below deck, smiling at you with sleep still hanging in his eyes.

"I always did look good in blue," you said.

Tolya hummed. "Yeah."

Falling into a silence, Tolya's eyes flickered across your face, soaking up the sight of you, making a mental note of what had changed while he'd been away. Not much, he found, bar a few scratches across your left cheek flanking down to your chin, and a greenish bruise under your eye. He frowned, moving his hand to ghost his fingers across the painted skin. Meanwhile, you did the same, observing changes in his appearance, concluding every detail: the richer tan across his skin, the stubbly pricks of hair around his jawline and the appearance of a new mark under his right nostril. Drunk on the image of him, you fixed your eyes back on his, surprised to see him already looking.

"What're you doing down here anyway, sharkbait?" you asked. Your voice was lower, quieter and softer, but he knew it had nothing to do with a shift in mood. Instead, you were just simply close enough for him to hear you without strain, close enough to hear you whisper, to hear you breathing. 

Tolya offered a boyish smile. "You know."

"Had a long night?"

"Terribly long."

"What, enjoying someone's company til sunrise?" you teased, entertaining what could be signs of an insecurity in the bilge of your belly. Tolya pretended to ignore it, yet his heart sank nonetheless. 

"Come on, you know me better than that," he laughed, bringing you in closer to him. Tolya nestled his nose against yours, moving it across your face to your cheekbone and closing you in with his arms around your shoulders. He sighed, comfortable. He'd missed this, the way your body felt against his, the way your arms felt around him. Saints, he'd missed this. Tolya took in a breath, his nose above your ear. "I've missed you."

Tolya heard a hum near his sternum, rumbling with a small vibration. It made his body bristle slightly but he warmed to your touch, his arms tightening around you.

"Me too, moi sol ye tselai," you replied, feeling his nose twitch as a smile grew on his face. 

For a moment you stayed like that, entangled in the quiet of the forecastle. Tolya didn't waste a single second of it, not after the torment he'd given himself just hours before. After some time, Tolya felt you wiggling in his arms and he relaxed, opening the distance between you as he leaned back to look at your face. You looked back at him with a smile, head angled up to marvel at him, and Tolya's eyes shifted into crescent moons as he brought his head down to kiss you. 

His one hand cradled the side of your face, the other at the back of your neck, and you made no resists to his advancements. Tolya kissed you deeply, lost in the familiar taste of your lips, sweet like the breakfast you must have ate before coming down here. He felt you kiss him back, the pressures combined, your hands up around his wrists. Your head leaned back slightly, his dominance slightly more assertive, as he captured your lips once, twice, thrice, never allowing a minute of rest.

When he did pull back, he was met with your widened eyes, shining in the light, and you bit down on your bottom lip to try and refrain from a smile. He saw it anyway, kissing you once more in a swift gesture and bringing himself back in what he thought was a commendable act of self restraint.

"I take it we are in Ketterdam," he asked, more of like a statement. It had to be true, since you were here. Unless he was dreaming, which he had a sinking feeling that he could be, perhaps trapped in a powerful lucid dream, some kind of sleep paralysis that had him smooching something akin to a squid on the prow. Unlikely, but not impossible, given his mood these days.

"How else would I be here?" you replied with a gentle laugh. 

He held you by your waist as you turned, observing the forecastle he sometimes called home. Tolya freed his grasp with reluctance, holding your fingers til the last second and he fell forward a few steps trying to grab you back. You moved around the hammocks, ducking under a lamp with a feigned interest in the bunks. Tolya didn't like to use his heartrending on you, but he could hear your hammering heartbeat even without using his talents. He smiled in private, watching you with adoration.

"I arrived here as soon as you docked," you explained, still looking around. Tolya hummed with interest, leaning his weight against a support beam. "I was having breakfast with Nina when Jesper told me that your Volkvolny was coming to the harbour. I finished, paid and came here as fast as I could. You didn't meet me at the deck, but it was so early, I figured you'd be sleeping. I greeted your crew, shook hands with your new captain, hugged Tamar, stole a coat and then came down here." You smiled, spinning back to look at him. Your bravado was complete. "To answer your question—yes. Welcome back to Ketterdam."

Tolya loved when you launched into explanations like this. He had a series of entries in a journal you shared where you'd given full detailed accounts of your adventures, but the ink never did justice to the words as you said them. Tolya's grin widened. 

"Kaz wanted to speak with you, too," you added, stepping back towards him and stretching out your hand. Tolya's stomach churned again when he took it with his own, feeling the small blisters across your skin from all your ropework and midnight affairs as an unofficial Crow. Like his own, actually, littered with chafes and burns from the ropes to the masts, sea salted splits across his hands whenever he got too heavy handed around the deck or in other ports. 

"Let's go up, then."

You led the way, all the way to the stairs where Tolya enjoyed watching you ascend before following. It'd been a minute, he'd take whatever he could to feel like everything was good again. Once he stepped up out of the dappled light of the forecastle, he cringed in the brightness of the sun. It was never very bright in Ketterdam, but anything was brighter than the lamplight below. The harbour was alive with noise and merchants. He never missed the smell of Ketterdam, although he admitted that it was a stench that one really did grow accustomed to, as it were with any foreign harbour.

From the deck, he could see the stretch of sea behind him and back ahead, a small cluster of faces across the way. He knew them all already, each by both name and face, and he stepped towards his sister-in-command with you close in tow. His body shivered when your hands smoothed around his middle to manoeuvre around him and Tolya watched you meet your hip with Inej's. Tolya spared another hungry glance at you and then looked back at Kaz expectantly, as he launched into an explanation on affairs in Ketterdam.

The Volkvolny would stay in Ketterdam just shy of a day, giving Tolya more anxiety than it did comfort. There wouldn't be enough time for him to remind you of how much he missed you, and there was certainly no privacy for him to put it into actions instead of words. But business needed to be swift, that was if they wanted a good chance at catching the ships that both you and Kaz felt could hold the secrets to Inej's brothers' whereabouts. The Crow Club was magnificent, but no place for a love-filled reunion, and he couldn't see either of you feeling particularly romantic in the streets. With the Volkvolny being groomed for their next sail, Tolya resorted to holding you close at all times, with meaningful stares and listening with colourful interest about your life over a table in the club, while Kaz oversaw his business and friends reunited once more. Tolya ate up what he could learn about your life during the three months he was at sea.

You had been working with Kaz to crack down harder on slavery leads, finding nothing much about your own family and little to nothing about anybody else's. Inej had been given a much narrower list of names thanks to your good work on the streets, and Tolya heard from Jesper that you'd been a useful asset to the Crow's, although always declined the hospitality of their affiliation for some reason. Meanwhile Tolya offered what he thought might interest you the most about his time away; battles against rough waves, giant squids and krakens lurching from below, sharks and dolphins scratching the surface of the water with their fins chased by swirling serpents; funny tales from travellers in different ports, a retelling of Mal's first night getting drunk at sea. 

Tolya thought, as you mused and laughed opposite him at the table with your friends and found-family, that you were most beautiful when you were off guard. As he stared at you, he felt his heart tug once more. In just a few hours, there'd be nothing left to look at, just shadows in the dark, voices in the wind mimicked by sirens as they fondled the underbelly of the boat, enticing deaf ears to the water as the crew grumbled and sang over their call. The thought of leaving you made him feel sick.

He briefly thought about what Tamar had said. It was true that Tolya had never asked you to join him at sea, but he was pretty sure he knew what the answer would be. There would always be something keeping you here, keeping you both apart.

"How long this time?" you asked, when you both managed to steal some time alone to walk along the dark streets of Ketterdam. With Rollins in prison and with Kaz taking command of a smidge of the barrel, you figured it would be safe out here. Besides, Tolya was tall enough to tower over even Fjerdans, and that was no easy feat. Anyone dumb enough to pick a fight with a man his size could break a few bones trying, even if you both knew that out of the two of you, you had more practice taking down the big guys.

Tolya dipped his head. "If we're lucky, then a month or so." He paused, thinking, "You said that list you gave to Inej was accurate, right?"

"I think so. Every lead I had took me right back to those three names," you replied. Inej had flinched at the sight of them, meaning your hunch was accurate enough to give Tolya the hope of coming back soon. 

"If the winds are kind, and the journey is good, we can be back before it starts getting cold here," Tolya said, almost like he was making a wish at a well or a plea to a Saint. "Without any luck on our side, it could be longer..."

You frown, looking over at Tolya and tightening your grasp on his hand. "We'll manage."

"I hope so, milaya," Tolya said, kissing the back of your hand. 

Once you both reached a bright streetlight, you turned to face him. "Do you think it will ever end?"

Tolya paused. "What do you mean?"

"As in…this search. Once you find Inej's brother, what comes next?" you ask. You turn away slightly, Tolya's gaze tight on your movements. "Suppose you'll go sailing to wherever next, right? Or…will you stay a while?"

Tolya knew what you were asking, obvious in what you didn't say. There had been countless times where Tolya had imagined himself throwing his life on the Volkvolny away just to be with you, to retire with you to some peaceful town with no worries, nothing at all but peace gifted by Alina tearing down the fold and enough money and shelter to settle down, explore the world, fall deeper in love. But the Volkvolny was his life, his meaning when he didn't fall into his faith. You were his love, his beloved, but neither one could expect the other to give up their identity to be somebody they weren't.

"I'm not sure," Tolya said truthfully. "And yourself? You're so busy with Kaz here, you may well be a Crow by the next time I see you. Your work seems to spring up like fleas."

Your mouth tilted downwards. He was right. Tolya was the love of your life but there would always be the issue of work. Without your demand with the Crows, what were you? Nothing but a shadow skulking around the city, tailing crooks, locating slaves? You supposed you could be more—you'd thought about it a few times, getting up and going with Tolya wherever he asked you to go. But those were dreams, frightening dreams you weren't sure Tolya saw eye to eye with. His voyages felt to you like escapes.

"Well—" Tolya broke through the silence, using his index finger to pick up your head by your chin. When your eyes met, he smiled warmly, kissing you. "Whatever comes next, I'll be there waiting for you."

Tamar stood beside Kaz and Mal as Tolya heaved himself up the ramp and onto the ship. You were close behind, shadowing his steps, cautious about even a step of distance. Tamar sighed loudly, and Kaz looked over at her and followed her gaze.

"What is it?" he asked. Kaz thought he already knew, but it didn't hurt to be sure.

"Oh, a lovers parting," she said dramatically. 

Mal smiled, not quite reaching his eyes. "If they're trying to be subtle about things, they're doing a terrible job."

Kaz observed the couple. Kaz knew you well enough to respect you, perhaps even call you a friend, and he had no obvious qualms with Tolya. He'd never forget his loyalty before Alina tore down the fold, and had no concerns about him being a weakness to who might just be his next Crow. He stared at the back of Inej's head for a second too long as she helped someone heave some shipment to a different compartment of the ship, and then he looked back to Tolya and yourself with a funny feeling twist in his stomach.

"Why grovel?" Kaz asked. "Y/N can leave at any time if she wishes."

Tamar glanced over quickly, as if the news was surprising to her. "She's not working?"

"Her work is done," Kaz said plainly. Tamar and Mal's look of confusion made him twitch with slight annoyance, but he otherwise elaborated on what they didn't know: "I told Y/N to find leads on the slavers. She supplied the list of three and now you will be on your way to locate them. Her task has been completed, and she is free to go."

"Yeesh," Tamar said, "way to make her sound expendable."

"Everybody is."

Kaz looked back at Tolya, holding you in his arms. "I have Nina on a lead already. Until I have something for Y/N to do, she is free to do whatever she pleases." He added as an afterthought, "After all, she's not under my employment."

Hm. Tamar and Mal exchanged a look, but said nothing.

"Will you be here? When we come back?" Tolya asked you. From afar, he could sense his sister's lingering gaze, and he spared a look, alarmed when he saw her, Mal and Kaz watching the pair of you.

"Most likely," you said. You followed his gaze and nodded your head in their direction, Tolya leading you by the waist back to the step-down where Kaz stood at the top, like a bouncer guarding the way. Tolya greeted each one with a glance and a smile before looking back at you.

There wasn't enough time this time around. Tolya's heart wrenched as he looked at you, trying to remember every detail before he had to leave. Their stops in Ketterdam were never very long, but how he longed for a day more by your side, simply one more hour in your company. The thought of leaving you made his throat harden, tears springing behind his eyes. A blink would surely set them free, but he knew the ways to keep them hidden until he was safe in the darkness, not until you came to him in a premonition like a sick joke.

Tamar and Mal—Sturmhond, now he was back on the wood of the ship— gave a look to Kaz in farewell and stepped around the back of you to move further on the deck. Tolya's heart quickened and you watched them go with a rapid look, glancing back at Tolya with twinkling eyes, twinkles he knew were tears and not reflections of light.

"None of that," he said quietly, with a small smile and he reached out to cup your face. Tolya guided you close for a kiss, and a bell rang from somewhere in the harbour and his heart leaped to his throat. He tugged you closer, kissing you harder. Kaz looked away, fixated on Inej but giving you at least the luxury of some privacy. Tolya lost himself in your kiss, his fingertips brushing your hairline and he swore he could taste the salt of your tears between his lips. Tolya pulled away from you slightly, his eyes slightly wide and breath raspy and all of a sudden: "Come with me."

There was a beat of silence.

If other crewmates heard, they didn't give much away. Kaz had torn his eyes from Inej in a painful defeat, with no option but to assess the lovers before him, and truth be told, Tamar and Sturmhond never stopped watching. Tolya didn't allow the silence to kill his courage. If he didn't say it now, he never would.

"I love you," Tolya said. "I love you so much—eya fyela chi, hm? And I know that your heart is here, with the city and the Crows and your life but, Saints, Y/N I see you in my dreams, I see you in the water and the sky and hear you in the ocean breeze. When I close my eyes, I see you in flashes. You have bewitched me, you are in my soul. I love you. Whenever we are apart, it's like a torment." He gulped. He sounded a lot like some of the amateur poetry he wrote when he felt lonely, poetry he sometimes recited to his crew if he got drunk enough. "So, please, please come with me. See the ocean, go across the sea. Be with me, stay with me—come with me."

His eyes searched your face for a sign, something—anything. You blinked, bewildered, holding his hands as they cupped your face.

"But…" you began to shake your head, and his heart sank deeper, "but my work…"

You spared a glance to Kaz. He could act like he hadn't been listening, but it wouldn't do anybody any good. You were almost startled to see him already observing you. 

"I don't need you," Kaz said simply. "I just owe you a debt."

"But, the slaves—"

"You did your job," he repeated. "So you're free to go."

Tolya was just as surprised as you were. He looked at Kaz with round eyes and met yours in a simultaneous turn. He wasn't quite sure what to say about any of it. Was Kaz telling you to go? Was he giving you permission, saying go, leave, or were you now useless to the Crows? Was it only because he had asked? Maybe you didn't want to leave.

"Am I fired?" you asked dumbly.

For a moment, you could have sworn you saw a flicker of a smirk on Kaz's face. "I expect your contract will need renewing upon your arrival. There are many things to do in Ketterdam, just not now. Not for you, at least."

You blinked. Processing his words felt like an eternity—you were free to go. Kaz had made it clear that you'd still have a life on shore when you arrived, if you even left in the first place. Marvelling at the thought, you looked back at Tolya. Travelling the oceans with him; being in his arms each night, getting to know the parts of him reserved to his crew, his faith and his poetry and his talents on the deck, seeing what caused the scars on his hands, what caused the creases in his skin; what he ate and drank, what he wore on different days, how his hair fell in the mornings when it wasn't fastened out of his face. All of that for the taking, and you just had to say the words.

Tolya's face didn't waver, giving nothing away as you said nothing to him. For a while, he thought he knew what you'd say. Tolya, I'm sorry, but I just can't—

"But where would I sleep?"

He hadn't expected that.

Laughter bubbled in his chest. "I think there's room for you in my hammock, if you'd like." He caught your look of doubt and grinned, "Aw, come on. I'm not that big."

"What would I do?"

Slowly but surely, Tolya thought he could sense hope building inside of him. You hadn't yet declined. Your piqued interest gave food for thought as Tolya studied your expressions.

"Well," he said, thinking about it. Actually he'd already thought about it, more than ten times out at sea, twice within the few hours they were in Ketterdam, "you could do anything you wanted. Gaze out at the seas. Play card games—in no time, you'll be a better player than Tamar. You could paint the decks, climb the masts, sit in the nest all day for all I care. I just want you to be with me, for longer than just a few hours." 

Tolya's eyes were almost pleading. You gazed into them. There was no need to think, you already knew what you wanted to say. Chewing the skin of your inner cheek, your eyes flickered to Mal. As Sturmhond, you figured whatever he said went. Tolya followed your gaze and laughed when he spotted the source of your interest.

Mal's eyes flickered, like he'd been alerted back to the present. He looked around innocently, refraining from smiling when he caught the glimmer in Tamar's eyes next to him. 

"Don't look at me," Mal said to you, shrugging his shoulders and raising his hands, "I'm not in charge."

When you next looked at Tolya, you were smiling. From the corner of your eye, Tamar clapped Mal on the shoulder and disappeared into the crew, helping Nadia unload cargo to a different spot below deck. For a second, Mal looked as though he didn't know what to do with himself, until he shuffled further towards the bow, scanning the horizon. Kaz was no longer on the ship when you turned to acknowledge him. You saw the shape of his coat disappear back into the masses in the harbour, and Jesper extended his hat in a farewell and turned to follow. Nina would understand, you hoped, as you were sure she'd still be occupied with freeing her 'hunk of meat'.

"What do you say, lapushka?" Tolya asked. He knew he was cheating by using the Ravkan tongue on you. You'd mentioned it was your mother language only once in passing, and he'd never wasted a second on charming you with it. He ran his hands up and down your arms, arching to look into your eyes with a wide smile on his face. Tolya grinned as he moved with your shyness, a laugh huffing through his lips. "Hm? Will you come with me?"

You laughed, giggled in his arms, as he brought you closer with a kiss under your eye. Squirming, you faked revolt, wrestling out of his grasp. Your smile told him your answer—the rest was roleplay. 

"I know we're going far from home," he said, watching as someone stepped close to pull up the ramp from the harbour. The distinct clink of the anchor filled his ears, departure would be soon and if you wanted to say no, then now was the time. You never did. "But I promise I'll take care of you."

You gazed at him fondly, reaching up to steal a kiss from his lips. He lingered, his face warm in the rising sun. "You can focus on your business, and I'll keep you safe from harm."

Tolya gasped teasingly. "You know the way to a man's heart, I see."

He pulled himself away, with some reluctance, with a grin and shuffled to aid his mates with assembling the ship. Before he could stray too far, you hooked your finger around the strap over his shoulders, used to hold his ensemble of guns and weapons. Tolya looked back as he felt the pull, the adoration in his gaze never faltering.

"Only the hearts of men I love," you told him, and he smiled, bigger and brighter, tilting his head as his eyes folded into Cheshire smiles before he winked, dipping his head back to look at his crew.

You watched him retreat along the deck, his assertion cool and respectful, commanding the attention of the crew as they fell into their formations. Figuring you had time to find your place, you stood rooted where you had been standing this time, casting one final look at the harbour; you bid silent farewell to the streetlights and carts, to the horses snuffling as they loaded merchandise and travellers into the carriages pulled by their strength, to the place you lovingly called home, until a new one found its way to you in the shape of a man named Tolya, who wherever you were together became your new anchor, the new place you fell to for comfort and safety. The man you loved, yours for the taking, for a life stretching past the horizon across that plane of endless sea.

#tolya yul bataar #tolya #tolya x reader #tolya yul bataar x reader #tolya imagine #tolya scenario #shadow and bone tolya #shadow and bone imagine #shadow and bone x reader #grishaverse imagine #tamar yul bataar #kaz brekker #jesper fahey #nina zenik #inej gafha #malyen oretsev #stormhund #tolya fluff #ittojean #shadow and bone #jeanbie

[lookwhatyoumademedohaha]

And that kids is, how I met your mother   Chapter 4 - Someone to Stay

You were alone, left out in the cold Clinging to the ruin of your broken home Too lost and hurting to carry your load We all need someone to hold

You've been fighting the memory, all on your own Nothing worsens, nothing grows I know how it feels being by yourself in the rain We all need someone to stay We all need someone to stay

Hear the fallen and lonely, cry out Will you fix me up? Will you show me hope? At the end of the day you were helpless Can you keep me close? Can you love me most?

Summary: You feel grief and loss keenly, the loss of innocence and family but as you confide your secrets to Nikolai Lantsov, you feel a beginning of a home in him. 

Pairing: Nikolai Lantsov x Reader, Nikolai Lantsov x Six of Crows Reader, Kaz Brekker x Reader, Zoya Nazyalensky x Reader (Platonic), Nina Zenik x Reader (Platonic), Genya Safin x Reader (Platonic)

Warnings: Pure tooth rotting fluff, angst and comfort, lots of humor, unrequited love that might be requited, denial, pining, mentions of death and violence, Kaz Brekker being an absolute asshole. 

A/N: Hi everyone! I’m very grateful for your kindness, love and support that encourages me to keep going! I apologize for the delay but here is the long awaited Chapter 4 to this work, you have all been waiting for patiently so thank you for your patience!  I hope you all like it and I’m excited! Let me know your thoughts and comments on my work because I really struggled through writer’s block on this one.

Let me know if you want a cast list for the below characters introduced! I’ve already made one, so I’m super excited. 

I love you all! Happy reading!

Chapter 1 - Until I Found Her

Chapter 2 - Labyrinth

Chapter 3 - Call it what you want

Chapter 5 - Cornelia Street

Nikolai sat lazily on the couch as he listened to Zoya, Genya, Tamar, Tolya and David converse animatedly by the fireside with coffee and brandy after a long day of meetings as the rain fell outside. Nikolai felt content as he listened to Zoya and Genya argue about blonde or brunette hair, simple and ordinary things and his hazel eyes naturally found and fell on you. Nikolai smiled softly and warmly as he drank in the sight of you lay your legs on Nina’s lap as she read a book while you were completely focused and dedicated to sketching something in your sketchbook. Nikolai gazed at you in wonder and adoration because you looked absolutely beautiful, your brow furrowed in concentration, your eyes gleaming with imagination and reminiscence and your face glowing with relaxation and thoughtfulness. 

Nikolai’s thoughts were interrupted by a sharp nudge to his ribs as he looked at Zoya who was looking at him with a knowing look “When are you going to ask her out?”

“I - what - no - “

“Please spare us all and tell her how you feel. Or at least ask her out on a date.” said Genya wearing a knowing expression as she grinned teasingly exchanging subtle looks with Zoya as they remembered their bet “Your pining and puppy dog eyes are getting sad to watch. And besides, she’s been out and about with certain people who have eyes on her.”

Nikolai sat up a little straighter, his expression one of pure curiosity as he looked at his friends “Who?

“Well, the lords and ladies of the Ravkan Court are quite bold in their advances toward her, inviting her to parties and picnics but there is one in particular who is determined to pursue a romantic relationship with her... Duke Dimitri Theronton.” informed Zoya in a matter - of - fact voice with a knowing gleam in her eyes as she looked at Nikolai who looked absolutely jealous as his fists clenched in anger. “He has been around Y/N quite a lot accompanying her to his parties, horse races and inviting her for walks and picnics. He’s infatuated with her.”

Nikolai knew Duke Dimitri Theronton who had been one of Vasily’s best friends and had bullied Nikolai in his childhood, accompanying his brother to Caryeva indulging himself in the pleasure of women and horses, wild parties and drunk debauchery. A pit of protectiveness grew within him at the thought of the wild and flirtatious Duke who slept with men and women he tossed aside thoughtlessly after using them, being within an inch of your presence.  

“If you don’t do something soon, you might lose your chance with Y/N.” encouraged Genya with a twinkle in her eyes as she winked at Zoya as they both observed Nikolai’s jealous and protective expression at the mention of Duke Theronton who was wooing you “You need to man up, Nikolai.”

“Man up? I’m sorry but I don’t see gender, sir.” replied Nikolai sassily as he looked at Genya who rolled her eyes at him and he sighed “I do really like Y/N but I can’t make her choice for her.”

“Okay but you at least need to show her that you are an option. If you don’t, she won’t know that you are a choice.” replied Zoya honestly as she leaned back on her armchair because she was not going to lose her money to Nina. “Why don’t you ask her out... just the two of you? Please just do it and spare us the suffering.”

“And the loss of money.” piped in David with a glint in his eyes while Genya tried to shush him and Zoya shot him a fierce glare. “There’s so many bets on both of you so you have to get your act together, Nikolai because Genya can’t lose her bet to Nadia and Nina and Zoya can’t lose her money to Nina, Tamar and Tolya, and Tamar can’t lose her money to Tolya.”

Nikolai cocked his head as he looked at his friends with indignation and amazement as he spluttered understanding dawning on his face “Are you betting on me and Y/N? How long has this been going on?” 

“I mean, it has been going on for a long time. Everyone is in on it even the servants and the council.” said David helpfully as he scribbled on his notebook “They all know you really like her because you look at her like an unsolved equation you want to solve.”

“This is outrageous!” exclaimed Nikolai feeling heat creep up to his cheeks in humiliation and embarrassment at the thought of his own subjects betting on his personal life and glared at Genya and Zoya “I assume you two are responsible for this mess!”

“It started as harmless fun between just a few of us but then the rest of the palace wanted to join in. It has turned into a very large betting pool.” explained Genya with a wide grin as she looked at Nikolai’s wide eyes of surprise while Zoya hid a smirk “Zoya handles the betting pool of the Little Palace. I handle the betting pool of the palace staff and Tamar handles the betting pool of the others who joined in.”

“I cannot believe you are betting on my love life! In fact I cannot believe the whole palace is betting on my love life!” exclaimed Nikolai in frustration and embarrassment as he stamped his foot in childish petulance. 

“Oh grow up. It’s just a bit of good fun to pass the time.” said Zoya easily with a smug smirk “Go ask Y/N out and win Nina and me three bets, won’t you?”

“I’m leaving.” announced Nikolai gathering the pieces of his broken dignity as he huffed and walked away from his friends amused laughter making his way toward you who had moved toward another sofa, far away from the fireplace. 

Nikolai’s heart fluttered as you looked up and smiled at him as he sat next to you “Hello darling. You could have joined us.”

You smiled at him as you stopped sketching and looked at him fondly “I just... I just wanted to be alone.”

Nikolai’s heart dropped as he saw quiet reminiscence and sadness dancing in your eyes “Oh. Shall I leave?”

“No. Stay with me.” you said firmly as you reached out for his hand and squeezed it gently, the warmth and tenderness of his hand seeping and mingling with yours as your fragile heart begged him to not leave you alone. 

Nikolai felt glad and happy knowing that he would give you anything you asked as he moved toward you and smiled when you placed your legs on his lap lazily and he lightly placed his hand on your ankles as he looked at you in curiosity and deep fondness “I’ll never leave you. I didn’t see you at all today, sweetheart. I almost sent search parties to look for you. I was worried. Where were you?”

“I spent the whole day in the chapel praying to the Saints and thinking. Then I went to the kitchen and had the prettiest cake. After that I went for a long walk out in the palace grounds and I just sat in the gardens until it got dark. Until Nina found me in the rain.” you said thoughtfully and quietly as you rubbed a butterfly crested ring on your finger “It was nice.”

Nikolai was surprised as he looked at you focus on your sketching again as he questioned in curiosity because he knew you weren’t particularly religious and your activities today felt slightly different “Why were you in the chapel?” 

“Come, my little butterfly. Let’s get you to bed and I’ll tell you a story. One that ends happily ever after.”

“It’s my father’s birthday.” the words slipped out of your mouth before you could stop them as your eyes widened in shock at how easily you had confided this well kept secret to Nikolai whose hazel eyes sparkled with tender affection and soft understanding as he realized why you had done what you had done “I wanted to... I wanted to talk with him and celebrate his birthday with him, I suppose.”

You scoffed as you thought of how stupid you were “I’m so stupid. Throwing a birthday party for a dead father -”

But Nikolai placed his hand upon yours, his face etched with gentleness and tenderness as he looked at you with sincerity “It’s not stupid. It’s the most wonderful thing that you didn’t forget him. Your father is absolutely lucky to have you as a daughter.”

You smiled gratefully as you blinked back unshed tears as you looked away from Nikolai and focused on finishing your sketch and after a long moment, Nikolai who was full of curiosity because he wanted to know all about you, what your family was like and what you were like when you were a little girl as he asked “You don’t have to answer... but what was your father like?”

“My father...  I am told that he was a gangster who ran one of the most feared gangs in Ketterdam.” you said with a wide grin, your eyes twinkling in pride and amusement at how Nikolai’s jaw dropped in shock and amazement “He was a son of a Ravkan aristocratic family that ran away to find his fortune in Ketterdam and built himself a reputation in Ketterdam  as a violent and clever gangster who killed ruthlessly and instilled fear in his enemies, always ten steps ahead of them. No one dared to look at him the wrong way or they’d be cut, killed, murdered, shot and butchered whether they were innocent or guilty. Everyone called him mad and cold, ambitious and dark, cruel and vengeful man in a position of power and privilege who was the bringer of death and destruction.”

Nikolai was completely stunned and shocked as he stared at you with amazement and astonishment realizing that you were the daughter of a Ravkan born aristocrat who had become a feared gangster in Ketterdam and wondered what your childhood was like. He wondered whether your childhood was filled with violence and bloodshed, tears and pain as he stared at you in surprise. He couldn’t imagine your father as a notorious killing machine but yet the more he looked at you, the more it became certain that you were not afraid of your father. 

You smiled fondly at the memories of your father. He was a cold and cruel man to the rest of the world but he was the best father to you and your brother. Your father loved your brother unconditionally but he had always wanted a daughter so when you came along, he had doted on you with overwhelming affection and love. You remembered your father coming back home from work with a big smile on his face as he hugged you and held you in his arms as he told you how much he missed you. 

You heard the wheels of the carriage roll up the driveway as you raced your brother through the house in excitement and happiness at your father coming back home ignoring your mother’s shouts to stop running down the stairs as you ran out of the house and up to the carriage with a bright grin “Daddy!”

Out of the carriage stepped a handsome man made of cold steel and sharp edges dressed in all black but his hard face softened immensely as he smiled adoringly and lovingly at the sight of his beautiful daughter running toward him, feeling grateful to be alive as he hugged his precious daughter tightly in his arms. 

His daughter never knew how much he had missed holding her in his arms as he beamed brightly, his cold heart warm and happy as he took a good look at his daughter making sure she was healthy and unharmed, stroking her pretty hair that curled down to her shoulders. 

“Hello my Y/N! Come here, let me look at you! I missed you. I missed you so much, my sunshine.” confessed your father sincerely and lovingly, his heart full of gladness and affection as he cupped her chubby rosy cheeks in his hands, his eyes twinkling with warmth as he placed a loving kiss on her forehead. 

Your father would never miss an opportunity to carry you in his arms, holding the weight of you in his arms as he pressed kisses on your cheek and forehead adoringly. He’d tuck you to bed and read you stories in silly voices making you giggle and sing you lullabies until you fell asleep and stay by your side holding your little hand in his as he stared at you with overwhelming love as you slept. Your father would play games of hide and seek and pirates and privateers, princesses and dragons with you and your brother, his eyes gleaming with mischief and his expression one of good natured laughter. He’d hold your little hand in his as you both took long walks in the countryside as you chattered happily to him and he listened with a happy smile. 

Your father let you sit on his lap as he read his newspaper and his study where no one was allowed to enter, you were the exception as he let you sit on his lap as he read his documents and talked with you. When you were sick, your father would hold you in his arms and yell at the doctor to be careful with you and do their best and stay by your bedside as he held your hand gently and kindly. Your father was a gangster and yet he’d participate in your tea parties, style your hair, play with your dolls and beautiful dollhouse that he’d gift you every time he’d come back from Ketterdam. 

The world believed that your father was a man of cruelty but to you he was the man who cleaned and bandaged your first bruises and wounds and kissed them better gently as he advised you that pain only makes you stronger. Your father was the man who would never miss any of your birthdays, always celebrating each one extravagantly with beautiful iced cake as he wrapped his arm around you while you blew the candles and made a wish. He was a devoted and doting father who doted upon you showering you with pretty dresses of the latest fashion, sketch books and paintbrushes, the most beautiful dolls, puzzles and books for you to read. He was the man who had taught you to ride a horse and climb trees and fight with your bare hands and sewed buttons on your coat. When your father discovered your talent for art, he encouraged it. Your father encouraged your love of learning and was determined to teach you more about the world. 

“But my father made sure we lived far away from Ketterdam in the countryside, away from the violence and death. Family meant everything to him... it was his shelter from the storm. He was cold and cruel to the rest of the world but when he was home with us, he was nothing but loving and warm father who’d smile and laugh and play little practical jokes and spring surprises on us.” you recalled with a happy and fond smile as you thought of your father who hugged you warmly and danced with you around the house with a bright smile, spinning you in your brand new dress. “I know you won’t believe me but he was the best father in the world. I loved him so much and he loved me more than I deserved.”

Nikolai’s heart softened at the wholesome picture of a notorious gangster adoring his daughter with all heart and spoiling her as he replied “I’ll be truthful. If anyone else told me that, I wouldn’t believe them. But I believe you.”

“Why?”

“Your eyes. You remember him with so much love that it’s impossible to think that your father never loved you.” said Nikolai honestly and sincerely as your heart skipped a beat at how much he knew you and saw the smallest things you tried to hide and the world didn’t see “You can always tell a father’s merit in the way their child’s eyes light up and they talk about them. Your eyes sparkle happily and you talk about him as if he treated you better than a royal princess with so much love and warmth that you never felt left out and lonely.”

You were surprised at how much Nikolai understood you as you gazed at him in wonder and astonishment as you hesitated and contemplated on letting him on a secret you had never told anyone, not the Crows, not even Kaz as you finally looked at him and decided to take the leap of faith “My father loved me as his own. And that was impressive considering that... that... I was never his.”

Nikolai’s eyes widened in surprise as he saw you look at him vulnerably with sacred trust and faith mingled with fear of rejection and Nikolai understood how you were feeling better than anyone as he was filled with curiosity and understanding as he inquired “What do you mean?”

“You know, my father was known in Ketterdam as a man who would do a job at any cost. A man who didn’t care about the lives he took as long as it served his purpose. One stormy night, he found a baby girl on the steps of his office. Whoever left me there must have hoped that my father would kill me and get rid of me instantly.” you said as pain and hurt flashed in your face but your eyes twinkled with gratitude and amazement as you thought of your father who was not your flesh and blood that had chosen to love you instead of hurt you “My father thought I was a trap or a lost child at first but he decided to keep me and raise me as his own daughter.”

Nikolai’s eyes widened as his heart swelled in amazement and surprise at how caring and loving of a heart your father must have had to adopt and unconditionally love a child who was not his own flesh and blood. His breath caught in his throat as he realized that you were stripping down your walls as you confided your deepest secrets in him, the fact that your parents had abandoned you to die at a hands of a feared gangster but fate had a different plan for you. His heart sank in dismay and anger at the thought of your parents leaving you heartlessly as a baby girl in front of the doorstep of the most feared and ruthless gangster believing that he would dispose of your life mercilessly and pain clenched through him as he realized that you had been abandoned from birth. Nikolai met your vulnerable and hurt, soft and sincere gaze as he squeezed your hand gently amazed at the kind heart that the ruthless gangster had possessed to take in you as his own and raise you with so much love and affection and wondered why his own father couldn’t do the same. His own father who was of noble birth, a king, could not come to love Nikolai as his own child and be proud of him but a gangster with blood on his hands had loved you endlessly as his own. 

“Your father sounds amazing. Do you ever miss your real parents? Have you tried searching for them?” asked Nikolai in curiosity, not missing the hurt and anger that flashed in your eyes at the mention of your birth parents. 

“They left me to rot and die with no regard for my well being. Why would I search for the very people who abandoned me?” you shot back fiercely and passionately as your arms curled around yourself protectively as you felt tears spring up in your eyes. “I had real parents... I had my father and my brother. That was enough for me.”

“Daddy is home. Cake and cookies every night!”

“Your father sounds very different from mine.” confessed Nikolai honestly and sincerely as he felt your fingers intertwine with his gently and warmly as he thought of his own father who had never shown pride for him “Your father made you feel like you belong to him and never unloved and alone. You never had to earn your place in your family. Your father loved you from the moment he saw you. He took you as his own and never treated you any differently. You came into his life as a daughter and he never saw you as anything else.”

You were taken aback in surprise because Nikolai had understood your relationship with your father very well as he continued in quiet exhaustion and pain he tried to hide behind a bright smile “My father, the King of Ravka who was meant to represent everything good and noble always made me feel like I had no place in this world. I was never his son, always treated as a lowly and different bastard son who was of no interest and pride to him. Everything I had to do, I did to work hard to just earn a word of praise or a smile, earn all his love from him and try to belong to him.”

You didn’t understand why tears pricked your eyes but some part of you deep down understood how Nikolai felt as you held his hand in both of your hands wishing that his father was alive so you could grant him a slow and painful death as you thought of your own childhood when your mother had found pleasure in revealing that you were not their own flesh and blood. But then you remembered how your father had found you crying in the stables, as he told you the truth and reassured you that no matter what you didn’t owe him anything, he loved you from the moment he first saw you and that no matter what, you were always his daughter. 

You had your father comfort you and chase away the loneliness with his warmth and love but Nikolai had been alone for so long with no one to show him that he was wrong about himself. 

You remembered something that your father had said to you a long time ago as you looked at Nikolai who looked so lost and pained as you said softly “I’ll tell you something and I want you to remember it carefully. You don’t owe your family anything. You don’t owe anyone anything, Nikolai. Nikolai, you never should have had to earn your place in your family, bastard or blood. You came into your father’s life as a son and it was his place to love you endlessly. Love is not something that is earned. And you deserve all the love in the world, Nikolai.”

“Your father was wrong and heartless. Your whole family was completely wrong in making you feel as if you never belonged in your own home.” you said softly in distress and pain as you wrapped your arms around him tightly and hugged him “It’s not your fault. You are good enough. You were always good enough.”

Nikolai’s heart swelled with emotions that he thought he had locked up and moved on from as tears sprang into his hazel eyes as he blinked them, burying his head on your shoulder as he held you tightly in his arms, afraid that if he let you go, you would vanish. Nikolai felt a heavy burden lifted off his heart at hearing those words said with such raw sincerity and truth that he couldn’t help but choke back a sob because he didn’t understand how much his soul needed to hear that it wasn’t his fault, that he was good enough until now. 

You hugged Nikolai tightly as you buried your head on his shoulder as you felt his tears fall onto the fabric of your dress as you whispered “Hey... I got you.”

For some reason, this made Nikolai laugh in amusement and comfort as he smiled into your shoulder amidst the tears and then after a few moments broke away from you. There was a long moment of silence as you looked at Nikolai in concern and realized he wanted to be alone with his thoughts as you returned back to your sketch while he stared into the space thoughtfully. 

After a long moment, Nikolai broke the silence with a question “But you must have felt lonely. I mean, you had your brother but was it just both of you in the house?”

You thought of the big house that you grew up in. It had been empty and cold at times but you remembered mostly the warmth, light and laughter that spilled out of it whenever your father had company over. Your father’s closest group of fearsome and terrifying friends in his gang occupied the house most of the time when they weren’t busy maiming, killing, torturing, destroying and hurting people. But these people weren’t criminals to you, they were the closest thing you had to aunts and uncles who were incredibly fond of you. 

These people took care of you since you were a baby and they were the only family you ever knew. Uncle Sebastian was your father’s right hand man and second in command but you knew him as your godfather and playful uncle who was a very good sharpshooter that taught you how to handle guns, had the craziest ideas for pranks and spoiled you with cuddles and presents. Your father would recall with a fond smile how Uncle Sebastian would never leave your side once you were found and stayed by your side telling you stories and making you giggle and had difficulty leaving you until your father physically had to push him out of the house. There were times you did feel alone despite being surrounded by such love and warmth and you would tell Uncle Sebastian how you felt knowing that he of all people would understand. 

Your Uncle Minjun was calm and composed, always well dressed and smiled that pleased smile of love around his wife, Aunt Ari and a reserved fond smile for you. You had always respected Uncle Minjun who was well - educated and wise on very many great matters and one of your father’s closest advisors. You and your brother would listen with rapt attention and great pleasure his stories about his time at University of Ketterdam studying law. He’d encourage you and your brother’s love for learning and curiosity and encouraged you to experiment and explore. Your brother and you were curious as to how to build a bomb? Say no more, Uncle Minjun was your man. Your brother nurtured a fascination for flowers and plants? Don’t worry, Uncle Minjun was there to teach him how to grow and landscape a garden, providing him plenty of books about nature. Your brother voiced that he wanted to perhaps study International Relations at the University of Ketterdam? Uncle Minjun would place a stack of books for beginner’s in International Relations and provide a recommendation list of tutors who he thought could help him. You were fascinated with art? Oh Uncle Minjun had your back, bringing you books on art and art history and taking you to art exhibitions with Aunt Ari. If there was anyone who took a serious interest in your education as much as your father, it was your Uncle Minjun. In a world where the education of girls was not taken seriously, Uncle Minjun was one of the strongest advocates to your father voicing that you were a bright, smart and sharp girl, dismissing your mother’s opinions on the fact that you should marry and listening to your own opinions and treating you as an equal. It was because of him, your father had the finest governesses to teach you and keep you company and report your progress to him and Uncle Minjun who was so proud of you. 

Uncle Yuri was one of your favorites. While Uncle Minjun favored the indoors, sitting in a nice library, Uncle Yuri favored the great outdoors climbing trees and swimming in lakes. You had learned that Uncle Yuri was a demolitions expert for your father and could blow anything up and had helped you and your brother with Uncle Minjun to build bombs and grenades in a safe environment. His silly faces and jokes rivaled his husband, Uncle Sebastian’s making you giggle and laugh. Uncle Yuri had an easy and lovely smile and was playful and good natured always taking you and your brother outside to play and have picnics, long walks, feeding the ducks, swims, and carrying you on his shoulders as he chattered with you and your brother. Uncle Yuri and Uncle Sebastian often babysat you the most, Uncle Sebastian letting you get into mischief and Uncle Yuri being the sensible one. Whenever Uncle Yuri entered the house, you would be ready with a hug and he would make you try to catch the latest hat he was wearing with a mischievous grin as he watched you jump up and down for it but in the end relented and placed it on your head every time. But Uncle Yuri was kind - hearted and earnest always insisting that if there was anything wrong, you could confide in him.

Uncle David was another constant presence in your home with his dry sense of humor, wide smile and strength. He was a strong and calm gentleman but whenever he was with you, he became childish and playful. He snuck in snacks, cookies, donuts, iced cupcakes that both of you shared while sitting next to each other and listening to gossip as you both exchanged sassy glances, he slapped or scolded anyone who kept a weapon within your vicinity, spoiled you with the prettiest and most expensive dresses, dolls and books as he competed with your uncles and aunts on who could get you the best presents, danced with you spinning you around to the music, defending you sassily when your mother made a passive aggressive remark about you, competing with you in races and childish games they held and voicing his pride in you whenever you painted art or mastered a difficult task. You remember him losing his temper and nearly blowing off Uncle Minjun’s and Uncle Yuri’s heads when he found out that they had taught you how to handle knives and blow up things. He was very protective of you when it came to boys and bonded over it with the rest of your uncles, father and brother. If he saw you talking to a boy, he would assess their prospects for the future, their character and recommend that no one was good enough for you which your father agreed with. Although he was protective, he was fiercely loyal and brave and stood up for what he believed in. 

In your memory, Aunt Maya was the most stunning and beautiful woman you had come across. She possessed entrancing purple eyes, dark skin, and a smile that enchanted everyone. Aunt Maya was a very powerful Grisha who possessed the remarkable powers of a squaller, a heartrender, a healer, an inferni, a fabrikator and a tidemaker. Her powers as a fabrikator and tidemaker were her weakest but the rest of her abilities were absolutely wonderful and powerful. From a young age, you understood the utmost importance of keeping her unique abilities a secret. Being a Grisha was one thing, being a Grisha who could channel different powers and abilities with ease and grace was dangerous in the world. Aunt Maya was a beautiful woman with a gorgeous smile who always wore the most divine dresses and high heels. Aunt Maya was faithful and loyal to your father who had helped her escape bounty hunters and given her safety and protection within his gang. Aunt Maya loved you as her own, telling you stories about Grisha and their abilities, about the Darkling and the Fold, the power of the amplifiers, Morozova and his work, the universe and the greed of men, the lives of the Saints and her life at the Little Palace before she became a target marked as dangerous. 

Aunt Natalia was soft and sweet, your godmother. She was a soft spoken spy who was quiet most of the time and could never hear her footsteps when she approached you. But when attacked or provoked, she had the fiercest temper and strongest spirit you knew. Everyone admired her cleverness and kindness and the willingness to do what needed to be done no matter what the cost and her innocent and sweet demeanor often deceived many into thinking she was harmless when she was very dangerous. Aunt Natalia, your godmother was the mother your mother never was to you. She always let you sit on her lap and always made sure you ate your meals on time, played with you and took walks with you, yelled at you whenever you did something stupid and risky like scaling your house when you were once left alone. She admired your paintings and became excited whenever you did anything, talked with you about everything and nothing, played peacemaker when you and your brother fought with each other and made you both promise to always put it each other first, and sewed you pretty dresses of the latest fashion and knitted you and your brother countless socks, scarves and sweaters you didn’t have the heart to say no to. She took care of you, showering you with plenty of hugs and kisses adoringly. 

Aunt Holly was the fun aunt who always livened up the house with her merry presence and jolly smile. She always had her weapons on her at all times from her knives, her revolvers and her other discreet weapons that she would use properly. She was the aunt who loved food with all her heart so when she was around, she’d take charge of the kitchen and cook meals. You had heard stories of her work as an assassin, of how once she had fought off a gang of men with only a frying pan and killed slavers with a flower pot. Aunt Holly was the aunt who let you have your first shot of kvas secretly, who taught you to handle knives, who taught you how to walk the tightrope and glide so silently on your feet and hide in the shadows. Holly taught you how to climb and scale buildings and leap off from one roof to another, one tree branch to another and use lockpicks to break in and out of rooms. Holly was the aunt your father despaired having around because you would love listening her recount exciting stories of gang wars and bloodshed in Ketterdam and different strategies of how to blend in and steal a wallet. You found it all very fascinating and that worried your father who wanted you away from this life as possible. When your father and your godfather had seen you balancing yourself on a ledge, trying to walk without fear, they nearly had a heart attack as everyone shouted at you to get down but Aunt Holly laughed and encouraged you to continue without any fear. 

Aunt Ari was an absolute fashionista always dressed to impress and kill. She was cheerful and bright, clever and cruel in her own way. She was a powerful heartrender who loved torturing men with her abilities and was able to extract information from them. Aunt Ari taught you Shu and talked with you in Shu most of the time. Aunt Ari liked telling you stories from her travels around the world and reading you stories as she tucked you to bed. She loved answering your wild questions with wildly imaginative and beautiful answers without laughing at you. She was a talented and gifted musician who had a talent for beautifully singing. She encouraged you and your brother’s love of music. Although you loved music, you were not a gifted pianist like your brother became under your Aunt Ari’s tutelage. Your brother had a wonderful talent for playing the piano and singing. You often played duets with Aunt Ari and your brother but you didn’t feel that you were good enough of a pianist. Aunt Ari didn’t give up on you presenting you with various instruments until you came across the violin that had belonged to her sister who had passed away that was untouched since her death. Aunt Ari who had seen you eye it longingly, had let you touch it and learn to play it. The moment you learned to play it, you loved every moment of playing the violin and became incredibly good at it. It gave you the peace that painting gave you. You loved how when you started to play the violin, everything else faded away and you felt you could reflect peacefully. As you mastered the violin, Aunt Ari would watch your progress with a proud expression, blinking back tears of joy in her eyes at seeing you finally bring music to the world with her sister’s violin. 

Aunt Adira was the thief and charming temptress with a warm smile that distracted many people while the real work took place. You remembered her warm hugs and her stories of her own family that she had lost when she had been taken by slavers. Ketterdam had been hell to her but she had made a bargain with your father who had paid her indenture and freed her as she sharpened her skills as a thief and a charming spy who listened quietly and patiently for information and extracted important information for your father to use against his enemies. Adira was full of kindness always helping anyone out anyway she could and full of faith in the Saints. She prayed to the Saints every day and taught you prayers to Saints. No one understood how she kept faith in a faithless world but she had once confided that faith was her peace in the chaos of the world. Adira treated you and your brother with such sweetness and kindness, sometimes you would see her eyes stare at you both in wistfulness and misty tears. You didn’t know it then but your father had confided in you that both of you reminded her of her children that the slavers had taken separating her from them and was still searching for. Aunt Adira was fierce and steadfast in her spirit, fighting for what was right and standing up for what she believed in and spoke up when she thought someone was wrong. She was true to her values and often showered you with hugs and kisses, food and flower crowns.

Tag, you’re it. Take care of them, would be the motto that they passed on when one of them left you and your brother in the care of another.  

You would describe your home as a mad house full of laughter and good times. Birthdays were celebrated with extravagance and happiness with presents exchanged and wishes made on the candles of the prettiest cakes, dinner parties where stories were exchanged over drinks and food were hosted, dances where your uncles would each take turns dancing with you, the discussions where swearing was prohibited and words such as murder and torture were substituted with kid friendly words, evening tea and midnight feasts with the guns and knives lying on the table as they held you in their arms and kept you far away from weapons, warm days where your aunts and uncles would play with you and your brother outside, and rainy days where theatricals and pranks, paintings and music were ever present in the home with tremendous love, laughter and hugs. 

“Not really. I had my aunts and uncles - my father’s closest friends in his gang who visited most of the time. It never felt lonely with them around... it felt like a mad house.” you said as you remembered the loud raucous laughter whenever a prank was pulled and the bright smiles that lit up the atmosphere “There was always some prank pulled, some game played, someone yelling, running around and laughing, bonfire nights and garden parties, and dinners and birthdays celebrated... having the time of our lives.”

Nikolai smiled at the description of the very warm and cozy house as he pictured a family full of vengeful gangsters laughing and having the time of their lives with children who didn’t know loneliness and emptiness but only knew love and warmth as he looked at you in interest “What happened to them?”

“Some of them died. Some of them... I think they are alive... but I don’t know. The rumors I’ve heard of them suggest that  some of them are still alive and out there but I don’t want to hope.” you said tired and exhausted as you closed your eyes thinking of all the rumors and whispers you had heard of their whereabouts even though they had faded away long time ago. 

You simply had given up hope for a happy ending. 

When Nikolai inquired their names, you paused for a moment hesitantly and told him. Nikolai gasped audibly because the names you had just revealed to him were cautionary tales told to the children of Ravka and ghost stories whispered aboard his ship about the Order of the Dark Knights. Nikolai knew that you grew up with gangsters but he couldn’t quite comprehend and wrap his head around the fact that you grew up around the most feared and dangerous gangsters in Kerch and all of the world before the Crows came into the scene. He couldn’t believe that your father was the feared and revered leader of the Order of the Dark Knights who had blood on his hands and each tale more gruesome and fearsome than the last. Nikolai grew up hearing stories about each member who was uniquely talented and dangerous that no child should emulate, certainly not a Ravkan aristocrat. Nikolai had been fascinated with the thieves who set themselves apart with their ability to shed blood and fearsome talents. The last Nikolai heard of the Order of the Dark Knights was that they were burned to death in their leader’s house by an enemy. There were rumors someone had betrayed the gangster’s location and rumors that some members were still alive and stayed hidden undercover even today waiting for the right moment to rise. That they didn’t really die that night. 

Nikolai looked at you and then understanding dawned upon him as his eyes widened “Y/L/N. Your last name is a fake one, isn’t it? You wouldn’t be so stupid as to take your father’s last name in Ketterdam and paint a target on your back.”

You smiled in amazement and astonishment wondering how Nikolai got you so perfectly, your eyes twinkling in mischief and reminiscence at the last name you had adopted from your imaginative mind “My first name is my real one. But I’m surprised at how well you know me. My last name is a fake one. Life isn’t easy when you realize that your father has many enemies who’d want to take their revenge on him by hurting him.”

“My sunshine, rule number one... please don’t ever become me.”

Nikolai remembered how his mother would tell him stories of your father’s ruthless ways. Your father was a story that intrigued Nikolai, the story about the heir who grew up in one of the most prominent and wealthy Honorable Aristocratic Houses of Ravka that was known for its nobility and purity of bloodline and everlasting loyalty to the Crown of Ravka to the point of blind following. The parents of this family had been rumored to be cold and heartless, grooming the children to be the perfect and invincible soldiers and subjects of Ravka and the children were seen as an example of perfection in every manner.

Of the particular family your father was the oldest and he had a younger brother, both eligible young bachelors who held positions of power and privilege in the Ravkan Court. But while the youngest was too happy to oblige and follow the rules, the heir of the family, the oldest brother rebelled and questioned the rules in place and how they were unfair to the poor. There were rumors of him being punished for simply visiting the poor and understanding the Grisha and mingling with them and becoming friends with the outcasts and the hungry. 

The final string snapped when the heir of this prestigious family stepped to defend a soldier who was a scapegoat for treason against the King by a larger force. He was considered a traitor to the country when he pleaded a pardon for his long time friend, a poor man, a soldier who had been wrongfully accused of treason and sentenced to death. But your father could not let injustice of this country stand as he finally decided to act upon and decide who he was once and for all as he plotted and freed the soldier from his chains in the dungeons and a dangerous Grisha girl who had been locked in there for a long time just because her power was one no one else understood. Your father ran away in the night with the soldier and the Grisha girl escaping to Ketterdam where he started a new life climbing the criminal ladder with two faithful and loyal friends. 

The soldier was none other than your godfather and father’s best friend, Sebastian and the dangerous Grisha girl who escaped alongside them was your Aunt Maya. 

Your father hated the lot of them just as much as they hated him. He was burned from the family tree after been marked as a traitor and no one in his family spoke his name for he disgraced him with his act of treachery and the acts he committed as the leader of the Order of the Dark Knights and occupied a high position in the Merchants Council in Ketterdam. Nikolai knew that the story was intended to be a cautionary tale but he couldn’t help but feel inspired how your father was everything that everyone were afraid to be in the most dark and difficult times. Nikolai was inspired at how your father gave up his whole world, his family, his country to do what was right instead of living an easy life.

Nikolai had known your father’s younger brother. He held a position as an advisor in the court for a long time mending and repairing the honor of his family damaged by your father’s reckless actions. He was quiet and reserved, well mannered and intelligent, observant and calm. Vasily often made fun of the soft spoken advisor but Nikolai liked your father’s young brother. From his younger days, Nikolai admired the composed and smart brother Matthew who was gentle and kind - hearted to Nikolai, never acknowledging the rumors about him being a bastard but had only treated Nikolai as an equal and a noble prince. As Nikolai grew up, he struck up an odd sort of friendship with the Matthew who became Nikolai’s mentor, favorite advisor and a good friend. 

Nikolai remembers the Matthew's love for his family. Your father’s family was notorious for its cold disposition and harshness in raising perfect children so Nikolai had expected the same from your father’s younger brother. He had been pleasantly surprised to see your father’s Matthew treat his children differently. Nikolai who was invited to the advisor’s house for countless soirees, talks and meals would witness Matthew spin his children around with a grin when he came home from work and then hug his wife tightly with a bright and tender smile. 

Matthew never shared much about his family but only shared the vision Nikolai had for Ravka. Nikolai was astounded at his intelligence and observations, as he taught Nikolai his own sharp perceptions and observations about whose opinions mattered in the court for a King, what they liked and disliked, their family backgrounds and what the court thought of Vasily and Nikolai. A lot of what Matthew shared with Nikolai helped Nikolai to mold himself and charm his subjects, generals and advisors into seeing Nikolai as a charming, smart and capable leader. 

Though his mentor never shared much about his family, Nikolai would glimpse a certain look of wistful sadness and pained bitterness about his brother who had been marked a traitor and banished on the pain of death. He had once caught his mentor staring at the burnt name on the tapestry of the family tree with quiet contemplation and longing, as if he carried a great burden of loss and grief on his shoulders. Nikolai had left him alone but had not forgotten that sight for it was not a well spoken and polite aristocrat he had seen then, he had seen a brother who was grieving for the loss of a brother he could not get back. Once Nikolai who had been grieving after Vasily had his father banish Dominik in disgrace and enlist his Dominik’s elder brother in the army, he had run toward Matthew’s place unannounced in the middle of the night because he felt helpless and didn’t know where else to go.

Please forgive my intrusion. 

Not at all. Please stay if you like, Your Highness. 

He had become a sort of odd father figure in that moment when he had seen Nikolai’s grief and hugged him in welcome and comfort. He had stayed over at the best guest room with a hot and hearty meal and warm clothes provided. In the morning, Nikolai had accepted the offer of taking a walk with Matthew as he let him know everything that had occurred, all the anger and grief and sadness he felt about losing his best friend and against Vasily who had betrayed him. Matthew had truly listened patiently to the young prince vent out his frustration and then struck up a proper conversation full of truth and honesty, comfort and shared experience making Nikolai feel safe and understood and Matthew assured him that he would make certain that Dominik’s family was well taken care of and later on pulled strings to get Dominik’s elder brother reassigned to a place where the fighting was light. After the most enlightening conversation full of shed tears and shared truths of hard burdens and brutalizing loss, Matthew and his wife had hugged Nikolai with such warmth, treating him like their own son and had let Nikolai know that she had made a special meal just for him and if there was ever anything, they would always be there for him. 

Nikolai had been incredibly fond of Matthew and his family from then on and eternally in debt and grateful to Matthew for pulling the strings to keep Dominik and his family safe. He remembered how he had cursed Vasily angrily throughout their conversation and though Matthew shared many pieces of wisdom with him on that day, one stood out particularly and etched itself on Nikolai’s mind because it felt as if Matthew wasn’t talking about just Vasily and Nikolai. 

“A cruel truth to it, isn’t it? Two brothers so close in age, the more one becomes one thing, the more other necessarily becomes the opposite.”

Later that day Matthew had called Nikolai into his study and showed him a picture of him and his brother. Matthew and his elder brother looked so young and handsome, shocking Nikolai at how old and exhausted they had grown up to be in the present. Nikolai examined the family picture of the brothers with their cousins, and recognized Matthew immediately. He was immediately recognizable as the smaller and handsome boy with dark hair, grey eyes and composed and haughty demeanor. A young Matthew stood regally and elegantly next to a older boy who looked very similar to him except he was charmingly handsome with a reckless and careless glint in his eyes, his lips curving into slightly warm smile as he held himself haughtily and coldly. But both of them were just children, just two brothers, frozen in the moment. 

“This is my older brother. I believe he needs no introduction... he’s made a name for himself. Before he was what he is now, he insisted on serving in the infantry. He came back a war hero. I think that’s when my family was truly proud of him.” recalled Matthew quietly and wistfully as he pointed out his brother and then him in the photograph to Nikolai who looked at it curiously.  

“Did he win medals?”

“Oh, Ravka bestowed many of the medals on him. Rewarded him the Medal of Honor, Army Commendation Award and the Distinguished Conduct Honor among many of them.” said Matthew with a small smile that seemed to Nikolai as if he was laughing at Ravka for bestowing medals upon a brave soldier and then banishing him without consideration for what he did for his country “But he threw them all in the fire and watched it burn. None of us came back the same.” 

Nikolai felt shocked at the action of the elder brother but since Matthew was being unusually open, Nikolai let his curiosity get the better of him “What was he like?”

“He laughed. A lot. He wanted to sail ships and work with horses. Always the charming and rebellious one of the family.” replied Matthew with a genuine and fond smile curving on his lips, a smile that displayed brotherly love and childish affection, a smile that Nikolai had never seen before “He was in love with a girl before the war. Her parents were Suli and none of the families approved of the dalliance but he won the girl’s parents over.”

“She died at the age of sixteen. But my brother was there at her bedside for four months every day holding her hand. And after she died, he went away to war.” recounted Matthew, his smile fading slightly as he was lost in memories of long ago while Nikolai listened in amazement and heartbreak “My sweet, kind, charming brother who laughed a lot never came back after that.”

“But you have a distinguished war record as well. You received the Medal of Honor, the Meritorious Service Medal and Distinguished Service Medal among a few to name.” said Nikolai in admiration and respect as he looked at Matthew who had been one of the rare nobles who had given up the safety of a home and position to go serve in the trenches of the war as a medik. “You and your brother are hailed as two war heroes who were the miracle in the most brutal and dangerous of wars in the history of our country.”

“Ah, we were. My father objected when both of us enlisted but we had to enlist. We couldn’t stay in the comfort of a home or a tent when everyone else was going to fight for this country. My brother became a soldier and I became a medik to serve. I figured I’d be saving people, not killing them.” said Matthew quietly and contemplatively and Nikolai swore that Matthew looked as if he was back on the battlefield “I just kept praying to the Saints every damn moment in the chaos of the battle... not for myself... I prayed and begged the Saints to help me save one more person in this godforsaken war and heal them so they can go back to their families.”

Nikolai was silent, feeling absolute respect and admiration for his mentor who had saved many lives as he continued reminiscently “I wasn’t... I was thought of as mad of course, those days. Mediks weren’t as valued as soldiers. They thought I was a coward for not fighting. But my brother understood I was trying to serve in my own way.”

“The commander of my regiment tried to send me home but they... the soldiers I saved... warmed up to me. They stood up for me. They all said they’ll go home if I am sent in disgrace.” said Matthew with a small chuckle but there were tears in his eyes “I understood that you are always going to need all the help you can get and no one is going to help you if they don’t like you.”

Nikolai contemplated on those words silently as he retained the wisdom of that advice that honed the actions of his future and he knew he was stepping the line with this question but he needed to ask him “Your brother and you... did you care for him?”

“I thought the world of him. I thought we were going to fight and change the world side by side.” answered Matthew quietly and wistfully after a long moment with reminiscence in his eyes as he sighed “But in the end, he is who he is and I am who I am. There is no changing that.”

After a month or so, news reached Nikolai that Matthew had disappeared under mysterious and strange circumstances. Though the King sent search parties for him, no sign of him had been found. Matthew had finally been concluded as missing and presumed dead. 

“He’s dead.”

“He - no - he can’t be!”

Nikolai had been in disbelief and denial as he attended the funeral of his mentor feeling grief and emptiness in his heart, hiding tears remembering his quiet and composed demeanor, his light smiles, wise advice and warm hugs. How was he supposed to do all this by himself now without an advisor, without his mentor? The grief only grew worse when he was informed that Matthew had left Nikolai a considerable amount of money in the will with the instructions to live wisely and freely as he chose.

Later, after the war when Zoya had investigated the Darkling’s chambers in the Little Palace, she had come across a few surviving letters that she found interesting and shared them with Nikolai. Nikolai had felt his heart jump to his throat at finding that this was a letter addressed to the Darkling by Matthew, in his elegant and neat handwriting and Nikolai had wasted no time in reading it. 

To the Darkling, 

I know I will be dead long before you read this, but I want you to know that it was I who discovered your secret. I have discovered your true identity as the Black Heretic and your plans to extend the Fold with your secret search for the Sun Summoner and Morozova’s amplifiers. I intend to foil and destroy all chances of your plan to destroy Ravka. I face the possibility of death in the hope that when you meet your match, you will fail in your pursuit for power and die alone and unloved.

Nikolai had not been ashamed to admit that he had burst into tears of grief and pain. His mentor had sacrificed himself, not letting the world know the true story of his sacrifice just to save Ravka. Matthew had never wanted power and glory, he had just wanted to keep Ravka safe and keep Nikolai safe until he was ready to take back what was his. Matthew had been clever and intelligent enough to deduce the Darkling’s secrets and plans from an early stage and try to find a way to stop the Darkling alone without putting anyone else in danger but it was likely that the Darkling killed him off. 

And now an invisible string that had spun his fate had tied him and tugged him to Matthew’s niece, Y/N, who had no family of her own all alone in the world. Nikolai felt awestruck and amazed at the frightening enormity of how destiny seemed to have a larger plan for all of them, how his mentor had been your late uncle and now how he met you who he was immensely in love with. 

“You are Y/N Y/RLN (Real last name)” pronounced Nikolai in soft tenderness and amazed awe as he looked at you with widened eyes of astonishment. 

You let out an audible gasp of incredible relief and happy gratitude because it had been so long since someone called you by your real name, the name you knew from birth to be your own, the name that had taken you in as their own with such love, the name you had cut ties with when you had arrived in Ketterdam and the name you sometimes forgot when hard days dragged on in its cold loneliness and hurt as tears sprung into your eyes and you nodded. 

“I don’t think I’ve heard that name for a long time.” you breathed in wonder and relief as you stared at Nikolai with such tenderness and affection because your heart had skipped a beat at the way he had pronounced your name as if it was precious and beautiful and then you looked at him quietly through the tears “So what are you going to do now?”

Nikolai was taken aback by your question “I don’t understand. What do you mean?”

“I am Y/N Y/RLN, daughter of one of the most feared gangsters in the history of Ketterdam. I am very valuable. There are so many people who will give anything to get their hands on me to enact their revenge.” you said quietly with an air of pride and hidden vulnerability. “I have told you my secret I’ve never told anyone else... not even Kaz Brekker. Secrets often have a price in Ketterdam.”

Nikolai realized that though you were proud of who you were, you were now naturally scared of what would happen to you because you had confided your greatest secret in him and he saw that all your life you had been running and hiding and he hugged you tightly “Y/N, my darling, I will take your secret with me to my grave. Trust me, I will never hurt you. I like you just the way you are and I will protect you from anyone who dares to harm you.”

You buried your head on his shoulder as you felt warm and safe, your cheeks flushing with heat at his soft and honest words surprised because you had never felt this way as his intoxicating perfume comforted you and you murmured “I don’t feel so scared anymore.”

Nikolai held you tightly in his embrace, his heart wrenching at those words slipping out of your mouth because though you hid it very well behind your expressive smile and guarded and composed demeanor, you were still a vulnerable and scared child who had been abandoned from birth marked by grief and loss “You never have to be scared, my love. We’re in this together.”

You blushed at the sweet endearment Nikolai whispered in your ear and smiled gratefully as you broke the hug feeling warmth and happiness spread through you, your cheeks tingling in red hues as you twisted your fingers nervously and concentrated on finishing the final touches of the sketch. When you finished the sketch, you looked at it with pride, as emotions of wistfulness, love, grief, reminiscence and adoration swelled within you. You smiled softly and fondly at the drawing and then felt Nikolai gaze at you quizzically as you felt your heart skip a beat and then you looked back at your drawing quietly. It was something purely personal and private but you took a leap of faith to share this with Nikolai because in your heart you wanted to as you slowly and nervously showed him what you had been sketching. 

Nikolai was pleasantly surprised as he took the sketchbook gently and delicately in his hands to see an incredibly talented and detailed drawing of a stoic and composed man with hard edges and sharp cheekbones who was elegantly and impeccably dressed in a suit smiling in warm and relaxed amusement as he held a cigarette in his hands, his icy cold blue eyes gleaming with mischievous delight and sly laughter that he held back as he looked fondly and lovingly and listened attentively to the little girl sitting on his lap talking to him with a solemn expression, an equally mischievous smile playing on her lips as she held his hand in hers. 

Nikolai realized you had just shown him your father as you remembered him and he felt a lump of emotion rise in his throat at the fact that you trusted him so much with such a precious part of your life you kept hidden away from the rest of the world. It was a simple sketch but the love you had poured into the drawing showed the feared gangster who was thought of a monster as a relaxed, warm and kind father who had a softer and sweeter side to him that he hid from the rest of the world. He didn’t seem like a ruthless cutthroat gangster. He was simply a man.

Nikolai felt awed and amazed by it, he could feel the warmth and affection of it exude as he suddenly felt a craving to be in that sketch and wondered what on earth you were saying to your father, a feared gangster to make him smile in such amusement. 

“That’s my father. I’d love it when he’d laugh. He had the nicest laugh in the world. Warm and steady. He’d always be amused whenever I was around... he had that little proud and amused smile he’d always wear whenever I did or said something.” you said with a reminiscent and fond smile as you remembered how your father’s laugh was such a joy in your life. 

“That’s my little girl, ey? You are such fun when you say such odd things.”

“What’s an unforgettable memory you have of him?” asked Nikolai in curiosity as he looked at you, suddenly realizing that this was so sweetly intimate because you were letting your guard down around him and letting him know the little things that you hid from rest of the world. 

“I have so many lovely memories of him that it’s impossible to choose. It’s lovely isn’t it? That my father gave me the nicest and loveliest memories to remember him by? But if I had to choose, it would be this one.” you said quietly and reminiscently with a lovely twinkle in your eyes as you spoke thoughtfully after a long moment as Nikolai shifted toward you listening raptly to you.

“My father was out on business to Ketterdam when my school teacher caned me and beat me up more than once for no reason. Perhaps he enjoyed it.” you said softly and honestly with a brave smile as you extended your hand, showing your palm to Nikolai whose eyes widened remembering the times Dominik was hurt by his teacher to punish him. “I feared his temper and hated going to school because I was so afraid.”

He felt hot rod of outrageous anger surge through him as he held your palm that had the scar of the unjust punishment you were given and you shivered when his thumb traced your scar gently “My mother didn’t care when I told her and my brother was the only one who cared. One day, I saw that my father had arrived home earlier than he was supposed to with his friends. He saw what happened to my hand and he went wild with anger. I’ve never seen him so unhinged, out of control. His eyes were glinting with murder but he I was scared and crying.”

“He calmed me down and comforted me, kissed my little wounded hand and bandaged it, made silly jokes, told me stories and put me to sleep. The next day, he woke me up at five and told me to get dressed in my best dress. My father drove me to the school where he had ordered a meeting with all the teachers of the school early in the morning.” you said remembering the tense atmosphere in the carriage where your father had held your little hand in his gently as he smoked his cigarette and contemplated on his thoughts solemnly. “They told me to stay in the carriage but after they left, I followed them and listened outside the door.”

“Ever the spy even when you were a little girl?” teased Nikolai with a mischievous glint in his eyes at the thought of you disobeying your dangerous father’s orders and doing things your own way but his smile faded slightly when he remembered what had happened to you. “What happened?”

“In the meeting, my father withdrew me from school and withdrew funding from the school. He was so calm, so quiet and yet I could feel his anger as he defied them by smoking in the room and threatened them. He didn’t beat them or hurt them but he was absolutely terrifying.” you said with awe and amazement as you remembered every word that your father had uttered in that meeting exuding the promise of death to anyone who so much as dared to breath near you “When he withdrew funding, the principal was furious. He yelled at my father for withdrawing funding and mentioned his crimes and I remember my father just slamming him to the wall and saying ‘I’m not a criminal. I’m a father. And I will break heaven and earth to protect my daughter. Any of you come near her again, in fact if you so much as try to do anything to hurt her and make her unhappy, I will find you and cut you to pieces.’”

Nikolai was equally stunned and impressed at your father’s overwhelming love for you that showed how far he was willing to go to protect you and suddenly wished that his father could have been half the man your father had been as he felt a lump of emotion swell in his throat as you continued “And then he took me out to the village where we spent the day out and we both had a really nice day together. And when he tucked me to bed and told me that I don’t have to go to school anymore, that I’ll be learning at home with governesses and if they gave me any trouble, I should tell him at once... when he told me that, I just felt warm and fuzzy... I felt I wasn’t alone. That no matter how hard life got, he’d always be there for me.”

“Not true, of course. I was wrong. He wouldn’t always be there for me. He was murdered a long time ago and now he’s not there for me anymore.” you said softly and sincerely with a saddened and pained expression and Nikolai felt his heart clench in pain as he squeezed your hand gently “But he was there for me throughout his life and that’s what counts, I guess.”

“Your father may have been a cold - hearted criminal but he was a good father. A kind father. I don’t think many people can say that about themselves.” said Nikolai honestly with a sincere smile as he squeezed your hand gently “And he raised a fantastic daughter. I’d think he’d be very proud of you.”

You smiled through your teary eyes as you looked at the portrait of your genuinely smiling father, his eyes warm and so alive in that moment and looked at Nikolai gratefully as you both stayed in silence and Nikolai asked a question that broke the moment “You said your father was murdered. There are stories that - well, he burned to death along with his closest order members that night.”

Nikolai observed you grow stiff and tense as your face drew into a cold and harsh expression “Yes. I was there that night. It was his birthday... one moment, there my father was smiling while everyone sang happy birthday and suddenly the whole house was on fire, an army of thugs surrounding it and turning the whole place upside down thirsty for blood. My uncles and aunts... they stayed back to fight and distract the thugs while my father ushered us into one of the secret tunnels that led out to safety.”

“I remember him carrying me very tightly, angry people yelling furiously trying to get through the barricaded doors and when he pushed me into the tunnel... he promised he’d come and find me as soon as he could and closed the entrance to the tunnel. That was the last I saw of him. Everything burned down as we ran away. Today is the day I lost my family. I lost my normal life.” you replied quietly as you rubbed your forehead in exhaustion and pain blinking back tears that came with the memories that you had thought of today “And the craziest thing is, I keep thinking that my father’s not really dead. He promised he’d come to find me. He always kept his promises. And he was the man who could always do the impossible, always one step ahead. If anyone could survive that fire, it was him.”

You buried your face in your hands because you were fairly certain you were mad with grief of loss and abandonment as tears slipped down your cheeks and then you wiped them away hastily and steadied yourself “But I know it’s not going to happen. So I made a promise to my dad... to all of them... that I’ll hunt whoever is responsible and when I find them, I will kill them.”

Nikolai knew from the dark gleam in your eyes that you had already found who was responsible for your father’s death and you were just biding time waiting for the opportune moment as he hesitated “Who is it who killed them?”

“Pekka Rollins.” you spat vengefully after a long moment of silence that seemed to stretch for eternity “He killed my father and snatched all of his properties and members to the Dime Lions. Kaz Brekker had his revenge on him and soon it will be my turn.”

“Then let’s destroy him until he begs for mercy from you.” asked Nikolai quietly in steely determination as he looked at you with fire of devotion burning in his eyes. 

You were taken aback with surprise and shock as you felt speechless and tongue tied and you finally found your tongue as you replied “You’re going to help me?”

“Of course, love. I’m not going to let you go into this all alone.” replied Nikolai easily and charmingly as he winked at you making you blush “And if you do get in serious trouble, you will have diplomatic immunity on the table because you’ll be happily married to me.”

“You’re a prat!” you laughed, blushing a pretty pink as you tried to hide your shyness by taking a book that he had been reading and slapping him with it while he yelled in pain. 

“OWWW! STOP HURTING ME, WOMAN!”

“KICK HIS ASS, Y/N!”

“GET HIM, GIRL!”

“ARE YOU EVEN MY FRIENDS?”

You collapsed into hearty laughter as you spared him mercy as he rubbed his shoulder with dramatic painful groans as he complained but he was smiling widely at you. You looked at the book Nikolai had been reading recently and opened it while Nikolai was busy retorting sassily at Genya, Nina and Zoya. 

You smirked widely when you read the rather interesting paragraphs in the book and when Nikolai turned toward you, his eyes widened in nervous shock and dismay as he lunged for the book but you dodged him and began reading the text with a wide and teasing smirk “Anthony felt every fiber of his being consumed by the desire as he pushed her down to the bed and kissed her flawless alabaster skin with desperate passion, his lips traveling down her neck as he cupped her breast - “

“Alright, give it back!” yelled Nikolai who had gone red in embarrassment but you laughed in amusement as you danced out of his way, reading the filthiest parts you could find.

“My goodness, Your Majesty. Who knew that under that perfect prince disguise was a filthy man with naughty thoughts?” you teased as you stood on top of the arm of the sofa avoiding Nikolai who was scrambling to get to you desperately. 

“It’s a love story! They are in love!” exclaimed Nikolai who was blushing in absolute embarrassment because now this had destroyed all chances of you seeing him as a prospective choice in your love life. In fact, this was the most humiliating thing that had ever happened to him in his life!

“My goodness, you dirty naughty boy, look at what you’ve been reading! Is this what you have been reading with a straight face?” you laughed in amusement as you wiggled your eyebrows teasingly and playfully at Nikolai making him stutter and blush. “I must say, your reading taste is very... filthy.”

“That’s enough, now give it back!” said Nikolai who lunged at you but you dodged him as you jumped on his back making him yell out loudly as you kept the book away from him and whispered teasingly and sensually into his ear silencing all protests “Was this how it felt to burn for someone you truly loved? To have them and hold them as your own and know that come what may their mind, body, soul and heart was only yours. Katherine let out a loud moan when her lover slammed his -”

“Alright, thank you very much!” said Nikolai who had practically frozen when you had started reading the filthy parts of the novel in a suggestive and sensual voice that had aroused something in him and he grabbed the novel from you as he heard you laugh teasingly and merrily into his ear. “Stop laughing, Y/N!”

“You can’t make me.” you replied boldly and daringly as you slid down from his back with an easygoing and laidback grin. 

“Is that a challenge?” replied Nikolai equally cockily and confidently as he turned around and looked at you in a way one would measure his opponent and you felt shivers of pleasure run through you and jolt when he stepped toward you. 

You held your breath as Nikolai stared at you longingly and intensely with such yearning that it took your breath away. He took another step to you as his face lingered close to yours that you could see the golden light flickering in his hazel eyes. You could feel his breath fanning your skin as his eyes flickered from your own eyes to your lips. His lips were hovering inches away from yours full of yearning and longing and you suddenly felt a semblance of a fire stoked within you. You knew you should step away but rationality and logic was slipping away from you each moment you were with him. You loved Kaz... you loved... you were trying to remember but it was getting unbearable when Nikolai was so close yet so far away. 

The door opened abruptly and Nikolai and you jumped apart, your hearts beating very loudly as you felt your cheeks redden as you suddenly remembered where you were and what had happened. What was wrong with you? What had happened to you? Why had you let yourself indulge in a moment of weakness with Nikolai? He was attractive and handsome but he was your friend! You couldn’t afford to lose a wreck of another friendship! You knew this couldn’t be!

You poured yourself a strong glass of brandy to compose yourself, not wanting to look at Nikolai because you simply didn’t want to see him.

The messenger had arrived and was greeted unhappily by Genya who had groaned, Nina who poured herself another glass of brandy and Zoya who threw a cushion at the poor man as she yelled “REALLY? NOW? IS NOW THE TIME FOR YOU TO BLOODY ARRIVE? GET THE TIMING RIGHT, YOU IDIOT! I WAS ABOUT TO GET MY MONEY AND YOU HAD TO RUIN IT!”

You drank your glass of brandy in one go paying no attention to the messenger who delivered letters to everyone in the room and you poured yourself another glass of brandy when the messenger addressed you “Miss Y/N Y/LN?”

You smiled at him “Yes, that’s me.”

“This is for you.” he said with a nod as he handed over a few letters and you thanked him kindly. 

You settled down in a sofa far away from Nikolai with your glass of brandy as you went through your usual letters that your friends from Ketterdam sent you. As you took a sip of your brandy, you nearly choked on it when you saw Kaz’ precise handwriting on the envelope addressed to you. This was Kaz’ first letter to you since you had left Ketterdam after your fallout with him. You felt unusually nervous and terrified, amazed and happy at the fact that Kaz had taken time out of his busy day to write to you. You didn’t know what the contents of the letter were but for the first time, you felt hope soar that this was the beginning of a reconciliation and a new beginning. Perhaps the very stubborn Kaz had somehow written a curt apology and that’s all you needed for now. You held the envelope in your hands for a long time because you wanted to hold onto the lovely dreams and fantasies of what might be in that letter and then you decided to get on with it as you opened the envelope and read the letter. 

As you finished reading the letter, you felt a sense of disbelief take over your body and you read it over and over again because you didn’t want this to be the reality. Then something very dark and dangerous in you ignited, something that had been hurt and wounded for a long time began growling in anger as fury and rage boiled in you and crashed over you in overwhelming tidal waves until it was all you could feel and taste and breathe. 

You felt the rage and fury burn through you as you stood up and threw your glass of brandy into the wall as it shattered into pieces alarming and shocking everyone who nearly jumped out of their seats and looked at you in concern and surprise but you didn’t care as your crumpled up the letter, breathing heavily and marched out of the room not seeing Nikolai look at you in genuine sincerity and concern. 

“What happened?” asked Nikolai in concern as he jumped out of his seat and strode toward where you had been sitting. 

“I think this might have been the cause.” said Nina as she picked up the letter that they all read. 

To Y/N, 

I hope you are in good health. 

I know you are on vacation but your duty to the Dregs calls Nina and you now immediately. You are needed for an urgent and important mission in Ketterdam. Your specific skillset is urgently needed for this job. The details are confidential and you will be briefed on it once you are here. You will get your cut once the job is over. Nina and you are to be in Ketterdam within a week. 

I know you would rather be lazing in Ravka but I am your employer. If you wish to not continue with this job and life, you can send me your resignation and your position within the Crows and Dregs will be terminated. 

Thank you, 

Kaz Brekker. 

“Alright, that’s it! I am going to Ketterdam to choke the air out of that canal rat’s lungs!” exclaimed Zoya coldly with fury and anger burning in her beautiful eyes. 

“I’m going to find Y/N.” mumbled Nikolai feeling absolutely outraged and furious at how Kaz Brekker treated you like you were some investment when you were more than that. 

He was going to kill Kaz Brekker with his bare hands the next time he saw him.

After searching the palace, Nikolai stepped into the library where you sought solace and comfort most of the time and heard sniffling and small crying sounds. His heart broke into a tiny million pieces at your pain as he closed the library door softly and took a few steps to find you when from behind a book shelf your voice echoed “OI, go away Nikolai! I don’t want to see you.”

Nikolai halted in surprise and amazement because he had not spotted you yet but you had recognized him as he called out “How do you know it’s me?”

“I know the sound of your footsteps.” you replied knowingly as you rubbed the tears that threatened to leak from your eyes at your heart clenching in hurt and misery because it was always Nikolai who cared about you so much and checked up on you to see if you were fine whereas Kaz broke your heart every chance you gave him. 

Nikolai smiled in amazement and astonishment because he was touched and surprised that you knew him so well and paid so much attention to the smallest of things about him as he called out kindly “Alright, now come out. You’ve been there ages.”

You snapped in exhaustion and pain because you just wanted to be alone “Just leave me alone!”

Nikolai followed the sound of your voice as he sat opposite of the shelf where you were sitting, his back facing yours as he let you be alone but he leaned his head back to the shelf as he said gently and sincerely after a long moment of silence as he listened to your quiet crying “Just try not to let him get to you.”

You laughed sarcastically as tears rolled down your cheeks as you snapped in frustration “Oh thanks for that. That’s brilliant advice. Really is! Absolutely brilliantly stupid!”

Nikolai sighed biting his tongue in frustration because he knew that today was a very emotional day for you full of reminders of the life you could have had and the life you had lost with your family and Kaz Brekker had just stoked your grief further as he stayed quiet for a few moments and then took a bold choice “I think your dad would be absolutely heartbroken to see you being hurt by Kaz Brekker over and over again when all he does is never see you for who you are... a wonderful, powerful, kind and strong woman. He’d protect you from him and tell you that Kaz isn’t the one for you.”

You felt acidic bitterness overwhelm your mouth as you spat out “What do you know of my father?”

“I know that he is the man who threatened your school teachers because they hurt you. Because they inflicted pain on you and made you cry. So I know that no matter what, he would want you to always be happy and loved.” said Nikolai honestly and sincerely with no qualms about speaking his mind to you as you listened in awestruck and shocked silence at how Nikolai spoke to your very soul. 

You were quiet because you hated that Nikolai was right. But you had believed that Kaz would be better. You had believed that deep down Kaz Brekker truly loved you and hid it in fear of consequences. You believed that in time Kaz Brekker would come to understand his feelings for you and reciprocate the same intense and deep love you felt for him. You sobbed quietly, your hand covering your mouth at how stupid and naïve you had been. You had dreamed of a happy ending with the boy you loved so much but that boy never dreamed of you. Kaz Brekker never thought of you and dreamt of you, he never cared for you and today’s letter was proof that you were merely just an investment to him. You felt angry at yourself for loving him so much despite every desperate attempt to try to forget him and stop loving him. But even though you were miles away from Ketterdam, Kaz Brekker was still the one you loved despite your efforts to break free from him. It hurt you that you were so weak as to be tied in love with a bastard who didn’t even spare a thought for you and you wondered whether you’d ever get out of the darkness of this abyss. This feeling of addiction to an intoxicating drug that you knew was bad yet you couldn’t let go of yet. This feeling of breathing fresh air for a moment before being pulled down to the darkness of the freezing stormy water by the very man she loved. You were trying to leave him but it was just so hard. 

You felt so insignificant, completely useless and utterly humiliated by the very person you loved so deeply and who you thought cared for you more than an investment. 

But you were so wrong. 

As you muffled your quiet sobs, you felt Nikolai’s quiet and gentle presence on the other side of the bookshelf, keeping you company. You didn’t understand why he was doing this for you. Perhaps he saw a damsel in distress to rescue. Perhaps he pitied you. Perhaps he was just here providing you comfort and friendship because he was just that kind of good, kind - hearted and nice person. 

You heard rustling of paper and saw that a paper bird that had flown to your side of the shelf. You knew it was Nikolai as you sniffled and delicately opened the paper to see his lovely handwriting “So aside from taking my breath away, what do you do for a living?”

You couldn’t help but smile widely amidst your tears when another paper note in the shape of a butterfly slipped toward you and you picked it up as you read “I was wondering if you are here... who is running Heaven?”

You didn’t like pickup lines but you couldn’t help grinning like a fool as your tears began to dry and you shook your head in amusement and exasperation when another note folded in the shape of a pineapple was sent to you and you read it in anticipation “If you were a fruit, you’d be a fine - apple.”

You couldn’t help it, an amused giggle escaped your lips at this terrible pickup line and Nikolai who heard it grinned in happiness and encouragement as he scribbled his next pickup line and folded it neatly in a shape of a flower as he slipped it toward you. 

You opened it with curiosity as your eyes skimmed over “I’d say Saints Bless You but it looks like they already did.”

You couldn’t help but throw your head back and laugh out loudly like a child and Nikolai grinned in pleasure and happiness at listening to your beautiful and wonderful laugh, glad he had cheered you up but he was adamant to work until the very end to see you happy as he wrote another note in the shape of an elephant that you read “I thought this was a library but this must be a museum because you are a masterpiece!” 

“Stop it! You are absolutely ridiculous!” you laughed in amusement and exasperation as you shook your head flustered as your cheeks flared with warmth while Nikolai grinned widely as he sent you another note shaped as a heart. 

“You must be hell of a thief because you managed to steal my heart from the moment I saw you.”

“If I stole your heart, you wouldn’t be breathing and alive, you absolute moron.” you retorted with an amused laugh, as your eyes twinkled in delight and happiness but your heart fluttered and skipped a few beats as you read those words over and over again. “And where on earth are you getting all these parchment from?”

You heard Nikolai laugh in amusement and delight as he scribbled something and you saw a note shaped like a swan that you unfolded as it read “There must be something wrong with my eyes... I can’t seem to take them off you.”

You blushed as you spluttered going red in the face as your heart fluttered with amazement and wonder at those words as you exclaimed “Are you drunk?”

Nikolai’s lips grew into a teasing and playful smile as he slipped another note in a shape of a flower that you unfolded “I’m not drunk. I’m utterly intoxicated by you.”

“You smooth motherfu -” you began in astonishment and exasperation as your lips tugged into an involuntary smile as you shook your head fondly “How many pickup lines do you even have?”

“Enough to make you smile for eternity.” replied Nikolai with a bright and gentle smile of his own, certainty and sincerity ringing through his voice. 

You smiled brightly, your heart lighter and happier than it had been as you crawled to Nikolai’s side of the shelf and sat next to him, the precious notes tucked safely in your pocket.  

You smiled softly and sweetly at Nikolai as you felt warmth and gratitude blossom in your heart for him as your breath caught in your throat “Thank you. You know, for making my life slightly less miserable.”

Nikolai smiled at you so sweetly and lovingly that you genuinely felt your heart stop beating as he whispered “To see you happy, I’d do anything.”

You smiled at Nikolai, your heart full of astonishment and wonder at how a person could be full of light and love and give it so unconditionally. You felt a hurt pang in your heart as you realized that you had such a deep bond with Kaz but it was all lies and broken promises used to stab at your deepest wounds and all the secret smiles you had shared with him had become cruel smirks and muffled sobs of pain. You suddenly felt the weight of fresh pain and heartbreak suffocating you as you remembered Kaz Brekker, the boy who had stood by you through thick and thin that now was the reason for you drowning in sorrow and heartache as he watched heartlessly and cruelly. 

Nikolai knew by your expression that you were thinking of Kaz as he whispered softly “Are you alright?”

“For so long, I hoped that Kaz would see me the way I see him and love me back. But I was foolish and misguided to let a thief and con artist trick me into believing that I could be loved. To hope that one day, things would be different.” you replied feeling disappointment and pain burn you fiercely and furiously as you realized how stupid and foolish you had been. 

“You know, someone who really wants you and cares about you, someone real... would never turn their back on a chance to get to know you.” said Nikolai softly and sincerely, his voice cracking slightly in heartbreak and pain seeing the darkness and self - loathing in your beautiful eyes as he placed his hand on your shoulder gently. 

“I don’t have anyone real in my life, Nikolai. I never will.” you replied bitterly and honestly as you felt the sharp arrows of pain and agony pierce you deeply as your eyes clouded with cold understanding and firm decisiveness “I fell in love once... I will never make that mistake again.”

Nikolai felt his heart shatter into pieces at your cold and cutting words that entirely broke his world. He had thought that in time you’d forget Kaz Brekker and hope for a new beginning in love but it seemed that Kaz Brekker had hardened and closed your soft and open heart for loving him. Nikolai felt utterly shocked and hurt as he looked into your eyes and saw that unwavering and firm decisiveness that meant every word you had said and realized that you would not change your mind about love ever again. You would not fall in love again and even if you did... you would never admit it. Nikolai wanted to murder Kaz Brekker for damaging you and making you believe that you deserved to be alone for the rest of your life. 

And though Nikolai knew that grief was hardening you and molding you into a girl who had no hope, Nikolai still offered you hope and sincerity as he blinked back his tears and placed a soft kiss on your cheek “It doesn’t mean you are alone. I’ll always be here for you, Y/N... I’ll always be whatever you need me to be.”

You felt warmth spread on your cheeks as the spot on your cheek tingled at the brief touch of Nikolai’s lips that lit a spark in your joyless heart as you looked at him in awe and affection “It doesn’t matter what I need you to be. You should always be unapologetically yourself... you... you are someone who should always be truly happy.”

Nikolai felt shy at how you were looking at him with such intense admiration and fond adoration as you smiled softly and sincerely at him, making a swarm of butterflies flutter within him as he felt himself lose his breath at how divine you were when you raised your eyebrows at him inquisitively “Were you going to ask me something?”

“I’m sorry?”

“Well... you furrowed your eyebrows a great deal this evening when conversing with me. You do that when you are thinking of something important to you and you want to say it but you are uncertain or afraid of the outcome.” you pointed out honestly and truthfully as you raised your eyebrows knowingly because you had observed the wonderful, amusing, quirky little mannerisms of the boy king who you had a soft spot in your heart for.

Nikolai was stunned at your astute and sharp observation and even more shocked that you had cared enough to observe and remember a little quirk and mannerism of his own that he didn’t realize himself as he replied shakily “I do?”

“Yes, you do. At first, when I first saw this, I thought of getting you a Healer because I was concerned that you were having a stroke.” you replied teasingly and playfully with an expression of amusement etched across your face. 

Nikolai scowled at you but his lips curved into an amused smile when you burst into delighted laughter and he shook his head at you in exasperation and affection and you looked at him curiously “So what’s on your mind, Nikolai?”

Nikolai had been thinking of asking you out but now he wasn’t so certain. Would you say yes? This was a bad idea. There were so many ways this could go wrong. You could slap him. You could leave Ravka. You could laugh at him and call him crazy. You could reject him and make him feel like an absolute fool for thinking that he stood a chance with you. 

To all the Saints and their mothers, he didn’t stand a chance with you! He knew that! And you weren’t interested in him, despite the strong bond that were developing between you two. You were simply unattainable. 

Anything worth doing starts as a bad idea.

“I - well, I know you are busy and you have so many important things to - but, I was thinking whether - like - I wanted to know if you would - um - what I mean to say -” began Nikolai stuttering nervously as the tips of his ears flushed red and the heat crept up his neck with shyness and embarrassment at how he was making such a simple task, a spectacular disaster and wished someone would kill him now and put him out of his misery. 

You raised your eyebrows in slight amusement and concern as you queried “Are you having a stroke?”

“More like a heart attack because of you, you oblivious beautiful wonderful girl!” thought Nikolai who was having a cardiac arrest, his heart beating at speed that was completely inhumane and he could feel himself sweating nervously and his head spin in dizzy admiration, hope and fear at the thought of asking you out. 

“WouldyouliketospendadaywithmeinRavkajustthetwoofus?” asked Nikolai immediately in one breath, his words sounding like messed up gibberish that could hardly be interpreted and understood. 

You raised your eyebrows quizzically trying to figure out what the hell had just come out of Nikolai’s mouth because it sounded like a very complicated made up word or a language that had just been invented as you replied firmly “That’s it. I’m worried about you. I’m going to get -”

“NO! I MEAN, WOULD YOU LIKE TO ACCOMPANY ME AND SPEND A DAY WITH ME IN THE TOWN, JUST THE TWO OF US?” yelled Nikolai in a frenzied panic and fright as the words slipped out of his mouth before he could control himself because he wanted to seize this chance before it slipped away and you left him in a week. 

Nikolai suddenly realized that he had just yelled at you to accompany him and felt absolutely embarrassed and horrified at what he had just done as his eyes grew wide and he felt humiliated beyond belief wanting the floor to open up and just erase him out of existence.

His humiliation and embarrassment only grew when you laughed in amusement as he lowered his eyes in shame because your rejection hurt him deeply and bitterly when he heard you chuckle in amusement “Oh Saints! That’s what you were worried about this whole time? You could have just asked me, you know.”

Nikolai felt his world screech to a halt at her mind blowing response as he questioned his reality and met your kind eyes that twinkled with mischief as he rasped out hopefully “So... you’re not saying no?”

“You really are a complete idiot, Nikolai.” you replied honestly and truthfully as you rolled your eyes at him and placed your hand on his shoulder with a wide grin “Why would I say no? You’re my friend. It would be lovely to spend time with you.”

Nikolai’s overwhelming happiness was slightly spoiled by the pang of hurt and disappointment he felt when you called him just a friend. But Nikolai knew you were still healing from the bitter heartbreak you had suffered at the hands of Kaz and you needed time. Nikolai was fine with being your friend. He wanted to be more than that in his heart but he knew that it was too much of him to hope for you to love him back now. All he could do was get to know you, enjoy your company, cherish your friendship and try not to fall more in love with you.

How hard could it be?

But right now, it was very hard because you were absolutely stunning as he felt his heart shattering into pieces at the unintentional and unknown rejection from your side as he replied with a bright smile, trying to hide how sad he felt “Yeah. Friends. That’s right we are friends. Who aren’t definitely going on a date.”

“Yeah. After everything that’s happened with Kaz, and all the people I know who were friends but started dating and then broke up... it becomes messy.” you replied honestly finding it very easy to confide how you felt to Nikolai who had become your close friend “I have a rule now. I don’t date anyone I’m friends with.

Nikolai’s heart dropped in disappointment and ached with absolute pain and rejection as he realized that he was never going to have a chance with you as he struggled to find the words through the feeling of disbelief that he hid with a bright smile as he joked “Yeah, yeah, um - that’s funny because I have the same rule. No more friends. I’m completely into dating my enemies.”

“Yeah. And if you break up with them, you can always get your revenge on them and kill them.” you replied with an amused laugh but you felt that you had said something wrong because Nikolai’s smile wasn’t reaching his bright hazel eyes. 

Nikolai managed to laugh through the pain he felt as he retorted with a grin “Very violent but I agree. Nice and easy.”

The silence engulfed them and it felt awkward and tense between the both of you. The silence between you and Nikolai had never felt uncomfortable before and you racked your brain trying to think of what you might have said to make Nikolai upset. You shifted from one foot to another and Nikolai fiddled with his sleeve nervously refusing to meet your eyes and you felt absolutely hurt wondering how you could make the silence easy and companionable like it always was between the both of you. You felt uneasy at how Nikolai hid how upset he felt and wanted to see him genuinely smile. 

The words burst out of your mouth before you could stop yourself because you could not bear to see Nikolai upset “Hey, are you a vegetable?”

Nikolai looked at you in absolute confusion “What?”

“Because if you were a vegetable, you’d totally be a cute - cumber.” you answered easily with a wide and playful grin hoping that Nikolai would cheer up. 

Nikolai’s eyes widened in surprise as he processed what you had just said and pink dust scattered over his cheeks as he felt shy and laughed in amusement and understanding as he felt his his heart flip with adoration for you as he highfived you “Oh that’s good! You got back at me with the pick up lines! I didn’t know you had them up your sleeve.”

You laughed in joy as you smiled fondly at Nikolai as you realized that one day, he was going to love someone heart and soul and something within you ached bitterly at that thought feeling possessive of Nikolai as you smiled at how he talked enthusiastically, his eyes gleaming with bright light that only belonged to a million stars that burned in a far away galaxy.  

You wanted to sink into the darkness of your bitter disappointment and painful self - loathing but Nikolai Lantsov was the beautiful sun, the burning fireplace, the warmth that gave you hope and lifted your spirits up even in the darkest of times. 

You were losing faith in love but Nikolai Lantsov made you believe deep down that you still deserved to dream and love again.

And as you gazed at Nikolai’s kind and handsome face, it struck you that though you had lost your family and innocence, had blood on your hands that could never be washed off and had your heart broken and bruised, you had found a safe place that you could call a home with Nikolai Lantsov. 

And as Nikolai’s bright hazel eyes met your own and your hand slipped gently into his, you both realized that you both had been fighting memories all on your own and standing in the rain alone for too long as you clung onto your bruised hearts and broken homes but now after a long time, both of you had found someone who gave them hope and someone who they would stay for and love the most.

Taglist: -

@cleverzonkwombatsludge

@khaleesihavilliard

@mochinoms-doesart

@simrah1012  

@hauntedenthusiasttragedy

@marissat1998

@queenofspades6

@xhaliemax

@ladespedidas

@angie-likes-to-read

@thatsassyhufflepuff

@adajoemaya

@liliandodiaj

@unicornfairytail

@b1bbles  

@luvly-writer

@geekmom3

@drinkfantasy

@chickencouncilrep

@justsomecreaturewandering

@cruc1o

@stickyfictioninwriting

@mdanon027

@mxltifxnd0m

@mochinoms-doesart

@outlawqueen17

@chengtheauthor

@wwwlusspace

@jinswig

@miaajnielsen  

@pansexualwitchwhoneedstherapy

@moonstars-marie

@valntynebaby

@br0wni3

@aesouth

@the-number7

@mxtokko

@4-everm-0-re

@liliandodiaj

@themermaidscales82​

@h-l-vlovesvintage

@drinkfantasy​​

@willowpains​​

@omg-itsmee​

@xceafh

@sweet0pia-uwu  

@allmisfittoyswelcomehere

@kateswone

@meghan52300​

@willowpains​

@moonstars-marie​

@mymybirdie

@mr-underhills-things​

@bey0ndne0​

@bwormie​

@suckmyaries

@mdanon027​

#six of crows #shadow and bone #six of crows x reader #six of crows x y/n #six of crows x you #shadow and bone x reader #nikolai lantsov x reader #nikolai lantsov #nikolai lanstov x y/n #nikolai lantsov x you #kaz brekker #kaz brekker x reader #kaz brekker x you #kaz brekker x y/n #kaz brekker x fem!reader #nina zenik #matthias helvar #inej ghafa #jesper fahey #wylan van eck #wylan van sunshine #zoya nazyalensky #genya safin #david kostyk #tolya and tamar #soc #six of crows fic #nikolai lantsov fic #kaz brekker fic #Grishaverse

[wh0refornikolailantsov]

Everyone's Fate Is Up To The Saints, Except Hers - Tolya Yul-Bataar

Prompt: “If you wish to keep your fingers, I’d take your hands off her.”

Warnings: Canon Compliant Threat

This is really just a drabble but what can ya do.

Not proofread because "no beta we die like men"

Had anyone asked, Tolya would have made it very clear that he 'never doubted her for a moment', that 'her capability was easily beyond that of the task at hand' and he knew, given the opportunity, 'she would've likely taken it on alone'. But Sturmhond, in a brief moment of clear insight, had drawn the conclusion that Tolya would have been very little help carrying out his duties if his mind had been following someone out on the mission. Waiting, wondering and worrying were three things not very conducive with carrying out duties to their requirement. So Sturmhond sent the both of them. No one questioned him, everyone else because he is the captain, but Tamar because she held the same knowledge that Sturmhond had based his call on: her twin for all his openness and cheer, was not letting on quite how deep the river of his care flowed when it came to one particular crewmate.

The she in question, had picked up a pace while Tolya had been somewhat lost in his thoughts.

"Falling behind there sesh?" You ask, turning around with a wicked grin, continuing to walk in the direction you both were headed, but now watching Tolya instead of the path. Walking backwards was something you had gotten very good at with the years of sword training, if you lean to step back with balance enough times, learning to follow the pattern is easy. Yet now, it was certainly more to show off than for practical use.

"You're still not using that correctly," Tolya smiled, an abundance of laughter in his voice. His shadow was being cast by a far off light and the distance made the silhouette looking deceivingly small, compared to the reality. Tolya was just as tall as he was handsome, which is to say more so than anyone really hard the right to be.

"Well if you gave in and told me the word I am looking for," you tease, the sentence hung in the air, feeling unfinished and incomplete. But the years have taught Tolya that sometimes you spoke in half, and it was up to the one hearing the words to decide if it was their turn.

"I will not teach you words in Shu just so you can mock me," he means the words he is saying but his tone is far from mean.

"I'm not mocking you," you defend. "I'm attempting to describe you."

"Describe me in your own language," he pulls his graze away, hoping that maybe if he stops staring, you might start looking where you're going, but to no avail.

"So you'll read me poetry in a language I do not know, but you shall not teach it to me?"

"Not when I know your interest lies in different intent, if you wish to understand the poem I'll happily explain it-" he is suddenly silence by a quiet and quick whistle, a signal that stops him in his tracks.

You look on edge, looking around the dim lit street with such concentration and apprehension that Tolya notices how small it makes you look, the fear. He isn't used to seeing you look afraid.

"Sorry," you say pulling yourself back in, raning it back and composing yourself. "I didn't mean to interrupt you when it's about poetry."

"I don't take it personally," he says. "You know Tamar well enough."

"Exactly, I try to let you talk about it as much as possible when there is no one to tell you to stop," the comment is offhand and absentminded, you hadn't meant much by it. It was a truth, and you did not choose to shy from the truth often, but it wasn't something you had meant to declare in any kind of way. Yet the look in Tolya's eyes makes you run the words back, trying to find the secret of the universe, the strangely powerful compliment that had to be hidden in the words you'd spoken without a second thought.

"Thank you," he says, his voice so soft, it hits like whisper.

"There's no need, there are few ways to show someone how you matter to them, and this is mine," if you had to break it down, the moments before, the reasons that this moment unfolds, you could lay out each factor in pieces. The light being so low. The quietness being so rare that sound is a welcome visitor and therefore can lull into a false sense of security. Maybe even your own foolishness, having not turned around despite your previous scare. But if you were honest with yourself, truly honest, it was not your ego or your environment that betrayed you in this small moment. It was your heart. Had you not been searching for something tangible in the unspoken distance between the two of you, there was no way someone could have gotten close enough to place a blade into the small of your back before you reached for your weapon.

"I wouldn't try it," the blade is pushed closer as you move for the weapon, the voice is dark and quiet, but the accent isn't from around here, and there's a gruffness that shows the man's age.

"I am guessing you are exactly who we are looking for," you reply. Tolya reached for his own blade the moment the assailant had stepped out of the dark, he holds it tight and his eyes are fixed over your shoulder. "We aren't here for a fight."

"Tell that to your friend," the man replies.

"Tolya," you say calmly. Tolya is reasonable, Tolya is smart and above all Tolya knows better than most, much better than his twin, when there's not a need for a fight. But he doesn't look willing to backdown.

"Perhaps I might be more inclined to step down if you remove the blade from my friends back," Tolya says slowly.

A hand grips your shoulder tight, and the blade moves from your spine to your side. A much more defendable position, but a still a threat. "Better?" The man asks.

"If you wish to keep your fingers, I’d take your hands off her.”

You watch him and your heart, against your practiced calm, races in your chest and his eyes flicker to meet yours. It dawns on you why he hasn't calmed the situation, why he is defensive and not quite like his normal self. He senses your confusion, your fear and he is not used to that in you. He isn't paying attention to the man's heartbeat or his emotions because he is still fixed on you. And that realisation makes your heart jump in a way you should know better than to let it do, and Tolya feels it. "He won't repeat himself," you tell the man, and he drops the blade to his side. "We were sent to get you, alive was the preference."

"Who sent you?" The man asks.

"Sturmhond," Tolya explains, listening to his heart now, sensing the fear, the anger, the loss. "We are here to help." Tolya's expression softens, he has been in the world and really seen enough of it to know that there's danger in the most unexpecting of places, but one of the many things about him that is never unsurprising, is how he still sees the opportunity for kindness and grace amongst them.

Sturmhond stares at the two of them and is quick to dismiss Tolya, who walks out on the deck and is soon shoulder to shoulder with Tamar.

"You seem tense brother," she muses, eager to hear what had happened.

"I shouldn't have gone," he thinks aloud. Tamar frowns.

"How did you come to that ridiculous conclusion?" She asks, pulling at a piece of the bread she is eating.

"Because it was my presence that made her vulnerable," he explains. "She was scared, I've not seen her scared before."

"Are you sure it was fear, and not anxiety?" Tamar asks nonchalantly. "Besides, Everyone's fate is up to the saints, is it not?"

"Not hers," Tolya says without pausing to think. Tamar gives him a side glance and he shoves her shoulder.

"Not hers?" Tamar echoes. "Not if you can help it."

#shadow and bone #grishaverse #grisha #tolya x reader #tolya yul bataar #x reader #six of crows #tolya #imagine #prompt fic #tolya and tamar #Spotify

[chaosandwolves]

Ok my thoughts on s2 of Shadow and Bone

What I liked:

The first four eps were the strongest imo

I loved how they incorporated the crows into this

The costumes!!! (hello Jesper)

Most of the fight choreos since they were perfectly fitted to the character (actually didn't like the choreo in ep6 though)

Tolya and Tamar (thank you queer gods)

Genya

Genya and David

Ben Barnes was outstanding and so fun to watch

I liked the pace up until the last 3 eps

Mal as Stormhond? I dig it

They kinda speed ran Kanej but it was still well made and we got the "I'll have you without your armor" quote

WESPER (seriously they were the cutest ever and had such great chemistry)

Wylan (I KNEW Jack would be perfect but actually watching him being the perfect Wylan was amazing)

Jesper

What I didn't like

I'm mighty pissed about David. Given how important he was for Nikolai in the books and that we didn't even get the relationship between him and Genya properly. There was no need to kill him off so early. I'm really pissed about that (I feel like it's Eskel all over again although we at least got a few scenes with him)

Though I loved Tolya and Tamar I think they didn't quite manage to explain their role in all of this and why they're doing what they do so they seemed a bit randomly placed at times

I didn't like that they sidelined Zoya and that she wasn't with Genya and Nikolai. Obviously they've changed Nikolai's and Alina's story now but man we didn't really get to see any of what makes her Zoya. I mean they hinted that they'll still give her the storyline with that bee but yeah

Like 5 minutes in total of Matthias... Like what was that?

Pekka Rollins now ruling Hellgate - and probably more- kind of negates what Kaz did to him. If it all ends up with Kaz destroying him after all, I'll be happy but that way they really took away from the importance of what Kaz did. It was all he worked for why he is who he is... So I'm like... Yeah they either need to fix this (which I think they'll do or at least they'll revisit this story) or they absolutely built and destroyed that storyline in one go

I'm really not the person who's like "but in the books" or "the books were better" cause these are different mediums, different ways of storytelling and different ppl working on it.

I'm not sure what I think of Alina's storyline now. And which way this will go. I guess they did that to keep her on the show and I sure as hell hope Ben will make a return as well. But I was very... Ok.... When that happened cause it's actually an integral part of who she is that she's NOT drunk on the power in the end and doesn't turn into a person like the Darkling.

I'm gonna be mighty pissed if next season we finally get more Matthias but then he's killed off.

Yeah. I mean finally s3 will be the Crows season.

Also I think even though they upped their gane with Kaz, I think he still could've been more brutal... More Kaz

I hope next season there is more brilliant scheming. Cause imo we haven't really seen Kaz' brilliance yet.

Ok I'm done

#s&b s2 #s&b spoilers #shadow and bone season 2 #shadow and bone #kaz brekker #wesper #Kanej #matthias helvar #alina starkov #david kostyk #genya safin

[reneedraws06]

MY FIRST CHOSEN DRAWING! (that's digital anyway..)

Drawing notes

I am proud to say that the chosen has made a very positive impact on my life it allowed me to see jesus and in a whole new light

The chosen does a great job at showing me the humanity of christ this show does a great job showing jesus having a sense of humor and loving his mother

And also showing his sorrow but that's to be seen at a later time I just love the way they show him loving his mother and his disciples

A lot of people get so caught up in his divinity they forget he was a man too a man a bared the weight of all our sins that he understands all of feelings because he felt them as well

This drawing has the characters in their season one outfits featuring Jesus hugging Simon Peter in the finale of season 1

Now I not saying that every single thing that happens in the show is entirely scriptureally accurate but to quite honest with you what Movie/TV show is about the bible is..

It has its own added characters to give the show more life such as Barnaby and Shula and Tamar And they man at the well which they named Jesse who they written as the brother the Simon the zealot

But it does have quite a bit that is scriptureally accurate such as the healing of the paralytic Man The healing of the leopard walking on water Jesus wept healing of the man at the pool and so on and so forth

If you're someone who watches movies about the Bible about the New testament about Jesus and you're just not connecting with it I recommend you try the chosen it feels real it feels like something that happened in real life it doesn't feel like something that was just written by a random man or made up religion it feels really good to watch it and to see Jesus in a whole new light it for sure made me feel closer to him and like I was seeing things in a new way

Anyway I'm rambling a bit I just wanted to sure my thoughts on series and and how much it means to me

And as always til next time!

#the chosen season 1 #the chosen series #the chosen #the chosen jesus #simon peter #season 4 #I love the chosen #andrew #the bible #chosen

[thequietesthing]

SHADOW & BONE SEASON 2 THOUGHTS

SPOILERS AHEAD - read at your own risk

Ok, I think I made it clear enough

So, yesterday I finished watching the second season of S&B and I have contrasting thoughts.

Let's start with the good ok?

THE ACTORS. Cannot stress this enough. That is definitely a bunch of very talented people. They had one job and boy if they delivered. I liked everyone but my favourite performances were the ones of Freddy Carter (the Bastard of the Barrel psychotic gaze couldn't have been done better, and also his relationship with Inej... chef's kiss – straight out from the books) Amita Suman (if possible she did an even better job than in the first season, I loved Amita in every scene, from the fight ones to her SCENE with Kaz, and especially what she says to him after that "Hope is dangerous", which I don't think is very much in line with the Inej from the book, but it fits really well in the storyline of the tv series) Daisy Head (THE WOMAN WAS AMAZING, thank god she was given a bigger role in this season! the way she portrayed Genya was brilliant, the hurt, the shame, the fear you could read everything from her face, simply brilliant) Patrick Gibson (my love Nikolai, he also did a very good job and I liked his transitioning from a very swaggering and outgoing performance of Sturmhond, to his portrayal of Nikolai – I've seen some critics in the way he portrayed Nikolai, but in my opinion it couldn't have been better. Sturmhond is not the same as Nikolai otherwise it wouldn't have made sense to create the alter ego; for as much as he has the confident exterior, Nikolai is extremely thoughtful (and I think that you can recognise that by reading KOS/ROW) and Patrick was able to show the thought process that we read in the books, so I liked him). All the others were all extremely good, Ben Barnes off the charts as always, Jessie Mei Li and Archie Renaux did a brilliant job to give us Malina (sometimes definitely too diabetic but alright), the rest of the Crows, Danielle, Kit, Jack and Calahan were AMAZING, they embodied their characters perfectly (Wesper was done beautifully, different than the books, but Kit and Jack are so good that it just came flawless anyway; Helnik was pure angst and I LOVED IT). Also special mentions to Lewis Tan and Anna Leong Brophy because they NAILED the twins performance.

Then we have the plot. Now I wouldn't discard the thing as necessarily bad, because in its own right it wasn't. The issue with book adaptations is that we have such high standards given by the books that we always expect too much. I have to say, some things I liked some things I didn't. Shadow & Bone parts I have to say I'm partial to the second book, especially the whole attack at the Little Palace is just one of my favourites scenes ever and it felt a bit meh. Other issue they have not tackled at all was the religious role Alina had (especially with Tamar and Tolya that in the tv series look more like Nikolai's sidekicks) that instead I wanted to see. A character that basically disappears is the Apparat: I don't like the guy but he was kind of important (how he always schemes around, how he imprisoned Alina, now he's just a guy that gives shady advice to everyone who'd listen). I wish I could have seen more Zoya simply because I love her very much and the fact that she and the Darkling didn't have any type of scenes together is absurd to me. All the scenes where Nikolai was were better in my opinion but I may be a little biased, but I just don't want him to pine over Alina for too long! Not with Zoya right there! But we'll see. Also the whole thing Mal/Alina/Darkling was done in a pretty good way; could have been done better? obviously, but since the objective was not to copy word by word from the books I think it went well. Six of Crows parts I liked how they portrayed Kaz (his childhood story I wanted to cry everytime), very on point BUT I didn't like how rushed it was the vengeance against Pekka Rollins; it was done too quickly for the sake of giving the Crows something to do the first half of the season and it deserved more time for me. I like the new dynamics with the integration of Nina and Wylan, but once again we couldn't really see much of it because there was always someone else and never just the Crows. I've said it before but I'll say it again, Wesper was majestic, Jack must have understood Wylan to a soul level because it was the same as reading Leigh words. I don't particularly mind the fact that Wesper had a thing before rather than not having met at all. Also Jesper embracing its powers was really nice if not a bit rushed. Then, KANEJ SCENES PEOPLE. The talent of Amita and Freddy shone through so brightly it's amazing (the "How will you have me" scene pierced me to the core – not to mention Inej's dream.... ughh so good). KOS foreshadowing They killed David and I was so not okay with that, but then I thought "Did they though?" bc there was no body no anything, so maybe and I say maybe he still alive somewhere (he better be bc he has to marry Genya and be happy and I'll be in denial until it is confirmed). WHEN THE BEE LANDED ON ZOYA SHOULDER the scream that came out of me people thought I was possessed I swear. Nikolai as he finds out he's the nichevo’ya was really well done. What Nina said to Zoya "someone will sweep you off your feet so hard you won't know what hit you" I wanted to cry, I swear if they don't give me Zoyalai next season I'll riot. I didn't particularly enjoy the Genya,Zoya and Alina triumvirate, but I'm feeling it may be short lived. (Also Zoya's "I could fix him" energy is what we want in S3)

Now for what may happen next, I'm really happy about the jurda parem storyline because it affects everyone in different ways. I hope that now that they'll tackle KOS it won't become the Alina show pt 2 but they'll give Zoya the story she deserves. I need Zoya to be the general and right hand of the King and Alina is kind in the middle of that but then I thought that Alina will probably go on her own journey with the fact she has the sword to return to Shu Han and now dark powers and so she may enter her villain era with maybe Mal bringing her again on the right path (also let's not forget that the tree the Darkling goes into is in Shu Han, so I think they'll play around with that a bit), idk honestly all I care at this point is that by the end Alina's hair have to be white. I hope the Crows finally free poor Matthias from Hellgate and finally finally go do the Ice Court heist, that it has been a long time coming.

All in all I honestly liked the season, there was only one main issue that affected everything else: too many characters. In Italian there is a saying "troppa carne al fuoco" which means literally "too much meat on the fire" which translates to the fact that there were too many things to follow to do it properly. Too many stories to follow, too many people on the move with too many things to accomplish, and even with good writing it can easily become a shitty thing. So whatever it is to come (hopefully season 3 and also the rumoured SOC spinoff) I'm glad they are planning to separate the cast.

Ok I'm done.

#shadow and bone #shadow and bone spoilers #shadow and bone season 2 #s&b #s&b s2 #alina starkov #mal oretsev #the darkling #nikolai lantsov #zoya nazyalensky #genya safin #david costyk #malina #darklina #zoyalai #six of crows #soc #kaz brekker #inej ghafa #kanej #wylan van eck #jesper fahey #wesper #nina zenik #matthias helvar #helnik #netflix #personal review #grishaverse

[bingejesus]

Spoiler Review of S4 Episode One

Ok so I gave a non spoiler review of episodes 1-3 buuuut it is now time for the spoilers I will be tagging these so no one who does not want to see them will. If somehow, you are reading this part, please please please be aware that from this sentence forward there are spoilers for season four episode 1 of The Chosen. Ok? Ok.

…

Episode One:

Ok so literally episode one John the Baptist is martyred. And it is breathtakingly beautiful. The dancer who played Salome was phenomenal, I don’t think she had a single line, her whole thing was practicing and performing the dance which I feel like really shows how this was all Herodias’ idea and she was really just a pawn. At the same time, we flashback to young Mother Mary visiting Elizabeth and Zechariah, which was funny and sweet and so heartwarming. It really is odd to see a woman clearly in her 70s or even 80s pregnant but knowing the story it just made me so happy. We also see Joanna going to tell the disciples and Jesus about John. It’s all intercut between Zechariah’s prophecy about John as a baby, the party, Joanna, and the actual death of John. The scene of the execution is somehow beautiful even as we know something horrible is happening. As John is being led away, he quotes what Jesus had his disciples tell him, “The lame walk, the blind see, the dead are raised,” and he says, “The way of the Lord is prepared.” Which just sent shivers down my spine. We see the silver platter John’s head will be served on and the soldier says that usually it’s used for a wedding banquet to which John says, “I’ve never been to a wedding banquet, but I’m going to one.” Which again, I’m just sobbing at this point. Right as John is about to die, he looks out a window and sees a spotless lamb feeding outside, like a final sign that his mission is fulfilled. Obviously we don’t see a severed head, but the swing of the axe is just as impactful. We cut to Jesus by himself, as if already preparing for the news. When he is told, we see him mourn. Rip his clothes, and cover himself in dirt. It’s heartbreaking to say the least. Also, it is important to note that Ramah returns and everyone is gathering together. Then, we see Joanna arrive and tell Andrew, and then everyone else. The last thing we see is Jesus approaching the group, torn clothes, dirt on his face, looking…disillusioned? It’s hard to describe it. Almost like he’s been too emotionally exhausted to have a readable expression.

Another thing to note, was that Zebeddee and sons have the olive oil ready and are giving it to the local synagogue for ritual purposes. Yousef says it is to benefit local enterprise, but Rabbi Akira is skeptical. Tamar goes with them but is not allowed in the synagogues being both a woman and a Gentile, obviously upsetting her. (Big James offers to stay with her instead of going in!!!!!!! The ship is real!!!!!)

Oh and I just remembered that Salome did have a line and it was just to say, “Anything?” When Herod says he’ll give her anything after the dance.

The interweaving of baby John and John’s execution was beautifully done. I was sobbing. The moment Zechariah can speak again, he begins prophesying and we hear it over John being led in by the soldiers. I like that John seemed nervous (as obviously anyone would be) but he wasn’t necessarily scared. It was that last moment of seeing the lamb that made him smile just as he died. Oh wow like I said I was crying.

It’s also incredibly hard to watch Jesus cry. I expected it to be, but obviously being a Christian and a follower of Jesus makes it so much harder. Especially after the love and laughter we’ve seen him experience as well. They do not shy away from humanity and that is such a welcomed thing.

Episode One was expected, but still managed to be utterly brilliant in writing and storytelling. We all knew John’s death was coming and it was made into a realistically sorrowful but beautiful reality. I cannot wait until I have it at my fingertips to watch again and again.

So that was episode one. Episode two coming soon!

#the chosen season 4 spoilers #season four spoilers

[lilisouless]

Alina: maybe we have to redefine what fits on "its an emergency, come quickly"

Nikolai: its a million dollar plan, all we need to do its letting weird people to record us in a house

Zoya: we are NOT doing a reality , nothing its real anyway

Nikolai: duh, thats why i am assigning each one of you a role to play. I will be the protagonist

Zoya: there are no protagonist in reality shows

Nikolai: Zoya...please...alright, my role will be the guy with incredible charm, incredible leadership skills but still likeable that everyone admires and its incredibly modest. It will be easier since well...i play that everyday.

Mal: and i guess i´ll play the loser guy

Nikolai: i admire your self awareness Mal, but no, i actually need you to be my best friend which i have a borderline homoerotic relationship with that will be the most talked thing about the show. Now come here and hold my hand in a platonic-not so platonic way, and you better use a mint on our brotherly new year eve´s kiss

Mal: out what now?

Nikolai: We also need a diva, a queen, a girl who is cruel, rude but so and charming that people will see her rudness as "brutal honesty" and claim her as absolutely iconic, and we have the perfect person for the role, the only woman with the talent of creating such a charismatic yet outrageous persona...Zoya...

Zoya: ugh, if it means so much to you, then i-

Nikolai: plase move, i need to talk to Genya.

Zoya: seriously?

Nikolai: Genya, would you do the honor?

Genya: do i get to write my own lines and choose my victims?

Nikolai: absolutely

Genya: deal

Nikolai: now, Tolya, you will be the sensitive man

Tolya: oh, does that mean i get to recite my poems?

Nikolai: better...you´ll learn to play acoustic guitar, i need to you play it in every second the camera is on you.Now Zoya and Alina will be most of the time fighting over me-

Alina: no!

Nikolai:...over Mal?

Zoya: no!

Nikolai: ...over being Genya´s bestie?

Zoya & Alina: fair enought

Tamar: now if you think Nadia and I will kiss for a creepy male audience...

Nikolai: actually, i thought you could be besties and a come out as a couple a year after the first season...

Zoya: you want more than one?

Nikolai: Like, our secret weapon to regain audience and a renewal. Sure Mal and I will be the most popular thing at the show´s time but after the end, you two will have the "tamadia being cute" compilations

Tamar: fine, but we demand a higher paygrade

Nikolai: David is going to be the local relatable guy...

David: i still don't follow the "reality" but fake...

Nikolai: excelent work! and the glasses give it a nice touch...and about Leoni and Adrik, you will be the cute non problematic girl and the guy that everyone forgets exists...so, pretty much yourselves

More under the cut, to not make the most too long

Nikolai: what do you mean it got rejected?!

"Sorry man, but we have a new reality show"

Nikolai watching the tv: keeping up with the ketterdams?

Inej on tv: He can buy a boat but he can't fix his hear for me? i mean...does he really love me?

---

Wylan: i am changing the curtains, i want them in icy sapphire

Kuwei: icy sapphire? omg he is so pretentious, shut up! its blue...

---

Nina crying: MY WAFFLE FELL IN THE OCEAN!

Jesper: Nina , there´s people that are dying

---

Hanna staring blankly: huh...i thought this was going to be a cooking show...

---

Marya: oh Mr Fahey, shouldn't we talk about the obvious...(reads on smuged hand) huh...tension? between us?

Colm: Oh yes, our natural chemistry is undeniable and not fabricated for views at all

(awkwardly hold hands)

---

Alys: oh , i just randomly had the impulse to...SIIIIIIIING!

"SECURITY! WHO LET HER IN?! GET HER OUT AND YOU BETTER NOT FORGET TO EDIT THIS BIT OUT!"

---

"footage of Kaz falling facedown over a cake"

Matthias: is what he deserves (smiles)

#grishaverse modern au #modern au #netflix shadow and bone #leigh bardugo #grishaverse #grishaverse shitpost #shadow and bone shitpost #crooked kingdom #nikolai duology #sab shitpost #shadow and bone imagine

[blogger360ncislarules]

Miracles are rare in the 21st century, but watch pretty much any episode of The Chosenand they are bountiful. But the biggest miracle of all is perhaps the fact that a historical drama centered around Jesus of Nazareth (a warm and welcoming Jonathan Roumie), set in 1st century Galilee as He preaches, gains followers (and enemies) and, on occasion, raises the dead and walks on water, has built a passionate legion of faithful viewers. How did a crowdfunded production become a heavenly international sensation?

The holy cards were stacked against The Chosen from the start. Faith-based television is historically hit-or-miss. The Academy Award-winning 1956 classic The Ten Commandments, which has aired on ABC nearly every Easter season since 1973, regularly reaps solid viewership (3.2 million when it last aired on April 1, 2023). But in terms of scripted TV, for every spiritual success (think Highway to Heaven and Touched by an Angel), there are just as many failures (anyone remember ABC drama Of Kings and Prophets or the Anne Heche sitcom Save Me?).

The Chosen’s accessibility—it’s been available to stream for free online at thechosen.tv since Season 1—didn’t hurt in making the show a hit, but it also drew in curious audience members with fresh takes on well-known biblical figures that never feel out of touch. Roumie effortlessly shepherds a comforting and gentle strength in his Jesus, whether He’s confidently preaching the Sermon on the Mount to thousands or graciously healing someone in private. And He’s unapologetically human. He laughs hard and pokes fun at His Apostles, shows His frustration with hardheaded religious leaders, joyously dances at a wedding in Cana and even frolics in the Sea of Galilee.

His 12 Apostles—the actual “chosen”—come with relatable baggage, broadening their flat Bible counterparts into colorful characters. Hotheaded fisherman Simon (Shahar Isaac) scrambles to provide for his wife, Eden (Lara Silva). Later, the young couple suffers a miscarriage and Simon blows up at Jesus for not protecting them. Outsider Matthew (Paras Patel)—who has been likened to being on the autism spectrum—is lonely and ostracized from his family. Nervous Andrew (Noah James) struggles with feelings of anxiety.

The show’s female cast also shines a light on women in a time period when they were often overlooked and underutilized. The iconic Mary Magdalene (Elizabeth Tabish) deals with shame from her past, thoughts of suicide and the loss of a parent. She bonds with the honest Tamar (Amber Shana Williams) over the latter. Jesus’ caring mother Mary (Vanessa Benavente) grapples with the idea that her adult Son—the Messiah—no longer needs her.

The Chosen so beautifully weaves its many perspectives together, often creating compelling duos, like awkward Matthew finding a surprising ally in gruffly sympathetic Roman centurion Gaius (Kirk B.R. Woller).

Finally, the show brings dimension to the New Testament’s most famous lines of Scripture, and the messages never come across as preachy. They’re edgy and nuanced, with fun bouts of humor and a deep sincerity and unwavering respect for the source material.

After 24 episodes (27 if you count the three Christmas specials), The Chosen has lifted the hearts of fans, who give thanks both through an overwhelming amount of online praise and the generous crowd-funding donations that continue to raise the drama’s production quality year after year (over $40 million has been collected so far). And given that the Christian megahit has been pitch-perfect since the original 2017 pilot, we have faith that the flourishing show will only continue to collect more and more loyal disciples on its righteous journey. Amen!

#the chosen

[torreshalstead]

A place with us

Summary - Tim could tell something was up with Lucy so when she opens up and tells him about Tamara’s worries, he knows he has to talk to her and get her to understand the place she has in their lives. And that no matter what happens, that isn’t going to change. AO3 Link

Tim could tell Lucy was distracted as they sat together on her couch, Time after Time playing in the background, neither paying particularly close attention to the images flickering across the screen. She was curled into his side, head resting against the crook of his neck, her arm slung across his waist. He had his hand in her hair, gently massaging her scalp in a way he’d quickly learnt that she loved.

He had known something was off when he entered the apartment that evening. He had used the key that Lucy had given him just a few days ago, since sometimes his shift ran late and she was already in bed and neither slept particularly well apart so even if she was already asleep, he would crawl in behind her and feel her relax when he pulled her into his chest.

Tamara had awkwardly excused herself saying she was going to crash and Lucy had agreed to popcorn but not with the same gusto she usually displayed when offered the buttery snack. He had hoped she would open up to him about what was bothering her whilst they were watching the movie but so far, that hadn’t happened. He didn’t want to push her but her extended quietness was starting to worry him.

‘Luce’, he said quietly, not pausing his movements through her hair.

‘Hmm,’ she mumbled in response, her forehead still pressed against his neck.

‘Is everything okay?’ he asked, trying to keep any accusatory tones out of his voice, that wasn’t his aim.

He felt her arm tighten slightly across his middle before she answered. ‘It’s Tamara,’ she said quietly.

‘What’s wrong with her?’ he questioned worriedly, ‘is it a boy? I’ll arrest him, lock him up.’ Lucy chuckled softly before pulling back slightly to look at him.

‘It’s nothing like that, but I’m sure she’ll appreciate knowing that you’ve got her back’, she reached out to grab the hand that hadn’t been running through her hair. ‘She’s worried that we will want her to move out, when you officially move in’.

Tim was shocked, it was written clearly across his face. ‘Why?’ and then before Lucy could answer he added, ‘have I made her feel like I don’t want her here?’ He glanced to his right, staring directly at the wall behind which Tamara’s room was located. ‘I didn’t mean-’

‘Shh’ Lucy said, tugging on his hand gently to make him turn back to her. ‘She just thinks there’s no room for her anymore. I’m going to talk to her about it, don’t worry’.

This didn’t ease the tightness that had taken up residence in Tim’s chest. He had never wanted Tamara to feel like she didn’t have a place, or that he was somehow usurping her position in Lucy’s life. Yes, her ribbing and joking sometimes got on Tim’s nerves occasionally, but he got the same from Angela on a much more regular basis. It didn’t affect the fact he cared about her.

‘If she thinks I’m here too often-’

‘Tim’, Lucy said firmly. ‘It’s not that, I’ll talk to her. She’ll be fine, I promise,’ she smiled softly and tucked herself back into his chest.

‘Okay,’ he said without any real conviction. He resumed gliding his fingers through her hair but was paying even less attention to the movie than he had been before. He couldn’t stop worrying that maybe he was driving a wedge between the two roommates, something he had never intended.

Tamara had been a part of Lucy’s life, of Lucy’s family for years. Lucy meant the world to Tim, which meant Tamara meant a lot to him too. Maybe he hadn’t done enough to show her that he cared about her. They didn’t have the most in common, but they had Lucy. Maybe that was enough, he thought.

——————————————————————————

Although Lucy had told Tim not to worry, he had spent the past few days doing nothing but. And although she had said she was going to talk to Tamara, Tim thought he should speak to her himself. He needed to make sure she understood; he was never going to try to force her out of Lucy’s life, never.

——————————————————————————

Tamara opened the door with a puzzled expression. ‘Lucy isn’t here,’ she said slowly but stood back to let him in anyway. ‘And don’t you have a key?’ She asked as she closed the door behind him.

‘I know she’s still at work, I wanted to see you actually,’ he said slightly awkwardly, hands tucked into his pockets as he rocked slightly back and forth on his feet.

‘You did?’ Tamara crossed her arms, which Tim took to mean she was putting up her shields, which was something he could have anticipated.

‘I did,’ he smiled, ‘shall we sit?’ he gestured to the couch.

‘I guess,’ Tamara said cautiously as she walked over to take a seat on the far side of the couch, pulling her legs up to cross them in front of her.

Tim took a seat at the other end, rubbing his palms against his jeans in an attempt to dry some of the sweat that had inadvertently appeared as soon as he had knocked on the apartment door. He had thought about using his key but it would have felt like he was somewhat intruding on Tamara’s space when he knew she was home by herself. The exact opposite of how he would want her to feel, especially in light of the conversation he wanted to have.

‘So what’s up Tim?’ Tamara asked after a couple of moments. Clearly she had been waiting for him to start.

Tim took a deep breath before he began, he really should have thought about what it was he was going to say. ‘Lucy told me that you feel like you don’t have a place here’, he gestured around the apartment, ‘anymore, because of me.’

Tamara’s eyes widened, ‘that’s not what I-’ she started until Tim raised a hand to stop her.

‘I know you didn’t say it was because of me, but I was a teenager once too, Tamara, I get it’. He spoke softly. He wasn’t here to accuse or blame her of anything, her feelings were completely valid but he needed her to understand that she had nothing to worry about.

Tamara had started to pick at a loose thread on the back of the couch, avoiding eye contact with Tim.

‘I get it,’ he repeated, ducking his head down slightly in an effort to meet her eyes and to encourage her to look at him. ‘But you have nothing to worry about, I promise.’

She raised her head slightly and he could see that her eyes were wet, tears starting to form in the corners.

‘You’re Lucy’s family. You’ll always have a place here, or wherever we go. I want her to be my family,’ she smiled at this. ‘And that means you’ll be my family too.’ Tim hadn’t ever said that outloud, that he wanted Lucy to be his family, hell, she already was his family if he was honest with himself.

Tamara’s smile faltered, ‘but when you want to move in together, you’re not going to want me third wheeling all the time. When you have kids, live out in the suburbs, I just won’t fit anymore’. She spoke quickly, the words blurring together but Tim understood.

‘You’ll always fit in with us. I know it just sounds like only words Tamara, but I mean it. I really do. You will always have a place with us, whether it’s in this apartment. I have a spare room at my house that you are more than welcome to decorate however you see fit. Although maybe slightly calmer than you did here. Or if we do move out to the suburbs, we will find a place to fit the three of us.’

Tamara sniffed quietly at his words, ‘but what about when you want your own family?’ she muttered.

‘Firstly, you are our family. Secondly, you can just be a built-in babysitter,’ he chuckled, ‘I hear you’ve had some experience.’

Tamara laughed at this so Tim continued. ‘And if you decide the kids are too loud, and you want to move out and find your own place. Then we will support you every way we can, I’ll even help you move. And that’s not me saying I want you to move out. I don’t, but if you want to. Then we will help, and if you want to live with us forever, then you can live with us forever. We will never make you do something you don’t want to.’ Tamara nodded in response and Tim could see her walls finally come down. He hoped that she understood, he had never been the most eloquent with words but the last thing he wanted was for the young girl to feel uncomfortable in her own home. ‘If you ever feel like I’m spending too much time here, and it makes you uncomfortable, you just tell us, okay?’ she nodded again.

‘Okay’ she said, wiping away a couple of stray tears that had made their way down her face. ‘So kids, hey?’ she brightened up and nudged him with her foot. ‘Does Lucy know?’

‘She brought up our grandkids on our first date, I think she knows,’ he chuckled as he settled back into the couch, all the worry from how the conversation would turn out having melted away.

‘She did WHAT?!’ Tamara said loudly, pushing herself up onto her knees. ‘On your first date? And you didn’t run?’

‘Nope,’ he chuckled and shook his head.

‘You got it bad,’ she laughed as she settled back down, her arms pulling her legs up to her chest. ‘It’s actually sort of gross.’ She pulled a face as Tim laughed loudly.

‘And there’s the Tamara we know and love,’ he threw one of the decorative pillows that adorned the couch at her.

‘Hey!’ she yelled before throwing one back, just as the apartment door opened and Lucy walked in.

‘What’s going on here?’ she asked as she dropped her bag and headed over to the couch, stopping to give Tim a quick peck on the lips before settling herself between the bickering two.

‘See gross’, Tamra chuckled. ‘Tim was just telling me about how you two talked about your grandkids on your first date’ she lent back and crossed her arms with a smirk. ‘You never mentioned that.’

‘Well… I-’ Lucy began, her head moving back and forth to look at both Tamara and Tim in turn, both had smirks plastered across their faces.

Tim reached an arm around her and pulled her back against his chest, ‘it’s okay babe, it was cute. And if you’ll recall I didn’t argue,’ he smiled and placed a kiss on the crown of her hair, ignoring the grossed out noises coming from Tamara.

‘Tim was also telling me how I can live with you both forever in the house that you’re going to buy in the suburbs with all your kids,’ Tamara smirked again as Tim’s jaw fell open.

‘Oh, did you now?’ she laughed, turning around to him and placing a hand on his middle. ‘House in the suburbs?’

‘Where else will the grandkids play?’ Tim said softly as he pulled her in for a kiss, remembering to keep it brief as they weren’t alone on the couch but he felt Lucy murmur in agreement against his lips before he pulled back. ‘And of course, Tamara is welcome to live with us for as long as she wants,’ he squeezed Lucy’s sides and looked back at Tamara with a smile. Lucy also pulled back from him and turned to smile at the girl as well.

‘Which won’t be that long if you keep making out in front of me!’ she said in mock disgust but laughed at her own words. ‘I’ll go order us dinner and give you two a moment to regain some composure,’ she got up dramatically but the smirk did not leave her face as she grabbed her phone and headed to her room.

‘I thought I told you I was going to talk to her,’ Lucy said softly as she turned back around in Tim’s arms, bringing her hands up to frame his face.

‘I know,’ he said, turning his head to place a kiss on the palm of her left hand. ‘But I felt like she needed to hear it from me too.’

‘I’m guessing it went okay,’ she stroked her thumbs against his cheek bones as he nodded. ‘You’re a good man Tim Bradford,’ she leant in to seal her lips to his in a gentle kiss.

‘I told her she’s your family,’ Tim said as he pulled back slightly, ‘and I want you to be my family, so that makes her my family too.’ He leant back in again but his words had taken Lucy by surprise.

‘You want me to be your family?’ She asked quietly.

‘Of course I do Luce, I thought that was pretty obvious,’ he dramatically waved his hands around. ‘Kids, grandkids, house in the suburbs. You’re it for me, Lucy’.

‘You’re it for me too,’ she whispered as she pulled him back in for a kiss, and moaned quietly when his tongue brushed against her lips. Just as she opened her mouth to allow him access, she heard a door open and Tamara’s voice called out.

‘Gross. Dinner will be here in 20 minutes, you two are clearly hungry,’ she laughed as she walked back over to the couch. ‘Now if you two could stop that, what old timey movie has Tim picked out for us this evening?’

#chenford #the rookie #the rookie fic #chenford fanfiction #tim bradford #lucy chen #tamara collins #tim x lucy #chenford fic #the rookie fanfiction #chenford fanfic #the rookie fanfic

[bestgrishaversequotes]

propaganda for "I know metal": https://www.tumblr.com/bestgrishaversequotes/723525016548950016/propaganda-ok-so-genya-thinks-shell-never-be?source=share

longer quotes under the cut!

"Genya -" David tried.

"Don't you dare," she said roughly, tears welling up again. "You never looked at me twice before I was like this, before I was broken. Now I'm just something for you to fix."

I was desperate for words to soothe her, but before I could find any, David bunched up his shoulders and said, "I know metal."

"What does that have to do with anything?" Genya cried.

David furrowed his brow. "I... I don't understand half of what goes on around me. I don't get jokes or sunsets or poetry, but I know metal." His fingers flexed unconsciously as if he were physically grasping for words. "Beauty was your armour. Fragile stuff, all show. But what's inside you? That's steel. It's brave and unbreakable. And it doesn't need fixing." He drew in a deep breath then awkwardly stepped forward. He took her face in his hands and kissed her.

Genya went rigid. I thought she'd push him away. But then she threw her arms around him and kissed him back. Emphatically.

(Ruin and Rising, chapter 7)

--------

I could see the word hit her like a slap. Razrusha'ya. The Ruined. The name the pilgrims had whispered when she'd first come among them. Mal moved forward. Tamar's hands went to her axes, and I heard Tolya growl. Genya halted them with a hand. Her spine stiffened, and her remaining eye blazed with conviction.

"Remember me when you board that ship, moi tsar. Remember me when you take your last look at Ravka as it slips beneath the horizon." She leaned in and whispered something to him. The King paled, and I saw real fear in his eyes. Genya drew back and said, "I hope the taste of me was worth it."

...

At the stairs, I grabbed Genya's hand. "What did you whisper?" I asked quietly. "To the King."

She watched the others move up the steps, then said, "Na razrusha'ya. E'ya razrushost." I am not ruined. I am ruination.

(Ruin and Rising, chapter 7)

#shadow and bone #genya safin #ruin and rising #grishaverse #round 2 #david kostyk #genyadavid #genya x david

[justanotherfanaccount]

here we gooooo

shadow and bone s2e2 reaction

ok I know some people didn't like that they changed sturmhond's character but I kinda like it...it makes him more of a "privateer" *cough pirate cough*

also it makes sense that he didn't know the darkling and alina were working together since literally everybody else does...especially since they changed it to have the darkling not be on the ship

darklina scenes are very well done...the desire and the way the darkling is describing his past and his way of thinking

I love the genya darkling sceneeee...it shows that what the darkling is doing is affecting him physically

it almost seems like the darkling doesn't like his nichevo'ya which is a whole different side of the darkling we haven't seen

not the darkling saying thank you and then being creepy as hell

OMG PER HASKELL it's all coming together now...kind of

WYLAN TRYING TO LOOK TOUGH I LOVE HIM

omg not nina knowing everything

Matthias it'll be ok babe 🥺

I love sturmhond only learning mals name after he became valuable 🤭

Tolya and Tamar understanding how Alina felt on the outside of both Shu and Ravkan 🥺🥺

they definitely make Alina more of the "hero" type as well with her originally being the one to want to find the amplifier to tear down the fold

"there is a cost, always, to making difficult choices. The key is making sure that cost is not regret."

"trust is the other side of secrecy kaz, remember that" love them...and their secrets

Pekka never took kaz seriously until crooked kingdom so having him take him serious now is gonna change some things...I just wonder how

aww now we get sentimental sturmhond

Paddy is such a good sturmhond honestly they just casted extremely well because tolya, Tamar and wylan are all extraordinary 😭

ope...he still doesn't know mals name 🤭

"when people say impossible they mean improbable" love

morozovas journal?

confirmed

BAGHRA...well she's not blind...YET...but we'll see

I love this sea whip hunt...the music is so good

I think it's cool that they made it on an island and they were on their feet not on a boat

ahh the helnik flashbacks are so well placed

WYLANNN

his facial expressions 😭🥰

"have we met before?" this man 🙄

wylan looked SO DONE when jesper called him a total stranger 🤭🤭

jack understands wylan SO WELL like he's PERFECT

also wylan and jesper have such good chemistry even though it's still the stage where jesper "doesn't like" wylan...it's great!

no FUCK THAT if that creep ass bitch thinks he can't put inej back in the menagerie

how tf is he getting stabbed and fine with it???

there's that upped rating again (aka watching the madman pull the knives out of inej)

NOT JESPER REMEMBERING WYLAN ONCE HE'S LITERALLY ON TOP OF HIM STFU I LOVE HIM HE'S SUCH AN IDIOT

THE CHEMISTRY

God I love jesper he's so cool

(also don't mind me rewatching all the wylan scenes like 3 times)

I need scenes where kaz had all the shit planned the while time...cuz that was always the best parts in the book

(because when Nina showed up I thought that was gonna be Kaz's whole thing like "everything went to plan")

not jespers thumbs up while wylan was getting choked 🙄🤭

YES WYLAN

omgggg durast jesper GET IT

don't mess with nina she's a bad bitch

ope! here comes the black veil!

did jesper just slap wylans ass? 🧐

OPE THE MAL AMPLIFIER HINT

also him helping her stop summoning 🥺

"my alina" that's some bad bitch energy

#this is way longer than i intended it to be #its so good though #rusalye #shadow and bone s2e2 #s&b s2e2 #shadow and bone reaction #shadow and bone spoilers #shadow and bone #s&b reaction #siz of crows #soc #wylan #wylan van eck #wesper #young kaz #mal oretsev #alina starkov #justanothersbreaction

[naushtheaspiringauthor]

~Child Of The Storm~

Nikolai Lantsov x OC

Image by - @brokendreamtale2

Warnings- none

A/N- FIRST CONVERSATION RAHHHH also i love my girl so much shes such an icon. Anddd let me know if you'd like to be added or removed from the taglist!

Taglist- @pansexualwitchwhoneedstherapy @sirisuorionblack @nadeleine123n

Ch-23 ~Estranged soul~

That night, they’d been invited to dine with Sturmhond in his quarters. The meal was served by the steward, a servant of impeccable manners, who was several years older than anyone else on the ship. No matter the presentation, the food was better than Anaya had in weeks, fresh bread, roasted haddock, pickled radishes, and a sweet iced wine, which she drank more than she'd anticipated.

Sturmhond mentioned the shipment of arms he was bringing back to Ravka. Then he seemed to perk up and they spent the rest of the meal talking about guns, grenades, and exciting ways to make things explode. A kind of conversation Anaya had no intention of joining. Thankfully, none of the crew members seemed to pay much attention to her, except for the captain, the boy seemed to keep his eye on everyone.

She decided to inspect her surroundings. Everything was gleaming wood and polished brass. The desk was littered with charts, the pieces of a dismembered sextant, and strange drawings of the hinged wing of a mechanical bird, just what was this boy planning to do? The table glittered with Kerch porcelain and crystal. The wines bore labels in a strange language. 

After what felt like an eternity, they all bid their farewells and retired for the day.

..............................................................

Anaya spent half of the night tossing and turning in the hammock, she didn't seem to have any hint of sleep despite the exhaustion. She noticed Alina and Tamar silently creeping out of the quarters, but she chose to ignore it. At least for a while. After a while, she could feel the ship rocking much violently than it had been. She quickly pulled her kefta on and went outside. 

A massive burst of light erupted from somewhere on the ship. Anaya rushed to see that it had been Alina. The girl had worn the sea whip's fetter. The power grew more violent, but the she didn't seem to stop. People began to shout and bellow, but it had no effect on her. 

"Alina" Mal called out, but she did not respond

 "Alina!" he suddenly wrapped his arms around her. He pulled her back with a hard grip. She finally released the light, revealing the night sky once again. 

She drew the last scraps of light together and wove them into a soft sheen that pulsed over the deck of the ship.

Sturmhond and the others were crouched by the railing, their mouths open in awe. Anaya was surprised to find herself having a similar reaction.

Mal still had the girl wrapped in his arms. 

Mal,” she said quietly. “Mal, I can’t breathe.”

Slowly, he opened his eyes and looked down at her. She finally dropped her hands, the light disappearing entirely. He then eased his grip on her. Tolya lit a lamp, and the others got to their feet. 

Sturmhond dusted off the gaudy folds of his teal coat. A girl that might have been a Fabrikator, looked sickly, she might've been the one to secure the amplifier.

“Well, Summoner,” said Sturmhond, a slight wobble to his voice, “you certainly know how to put on a show.”

Mal bracketed Alina's face with his hands. He seemed to kiss her wherever he could reach, then drew her tight against him once again.

“You’re all right?” he asked. 

“Yes,” she replied.

Without saying a word to anyone, Anaya went back to Tamar's quarters

.....................................................................

Anaya shuffled in her hammock. She usually had trouble sleeping, but it seemed to be worse tonight. Se silently crept out of Tamar's quarters in just her shirt and pants of the same colour. She went near one of the railings and leaned, placing her arms on it. This part of the ship was almost empty apart from the few of the crew members who'd been on watch.

The cold salty air brushed on her skin as she closed her eyes. The sea had a different sense of calmness and peace that was nowhere else to be found. 

She was still baffled by the fact that she was alive, still. She herself couldn't believe what she'd done back at the whaler. Something she never knew she was capable of.  

Her trail of thoughts was disrupted when she sensed silent footsteps behind her. She quickly readied herself to form an icicle, but stopped herself remembering she couldn't possibly be attacked on the ship. She turned around to see Sturmhond making his way to her.

She turned to look at the sea once again as the boy approached her. He leaned against the railing alongside her, and finally spoke. "I've been meaning to talk to you"

She looked at him raising an eyebrow, "Why?"

"I wanted to thank you, for helping us back on the whaler. What you did was really unexpected" He smiled, his features gleaming in the moonlight

"I didn't even expect that myself"

The boy let out a small chuckle

There was a short pause before he spoke again, "Why did the Darkling made you his tracker?" He asked, "How did you know about the creature's whereabouts?"

"There's much you don't know about me" 

"I think we can change tha-"

"And I would very much prefer to keep it that way" she cut him off

"I respect that" he pursed his lips

After a long moment of silence, Anaya spoke "There's a lot I don't know about you either. I mean, how do I know that you won't take us to the fold and throw us offboard then feed us to the volcra whom you might be taming the whole time?" She shrugged

"Don't worry darling, I promise I won't do that. Besides, you're too beautiful to be fed off to Volcra" he winked at her, making her roll her eyes

"Do pirates not sleep at night?"

"A- Privateer" the boy threw his arms in exasperation. "And we do, but usually not when there are guests around"

"Alright" Anaya responded, a corner of her mouth slightly turning up. She left the deck, leaving the privateer all by himself

#grishaverse #shadow and bone #nikolai lantsov x reader #nikolai lantsov #nikolai lantsov fanfiction #nikolai lanstov #nikolai lanstov x reader #nikolai lantsov x oc

[mery-cm99]

Vixen ~ Nikolai Lantsov (Chapter 5)

Masterlist

Description: Vixen is one of the Crows. Kaz saved her a long time ago. He’s the only one who knows the truth about Vixen. He’s the only one who knows her past, her secret. That’s until a certain privateer shows up in Ketterdam looking for a living Saint. 

Pairing: Nikolai Lantsov x fem!OC

Warnings: Mention of trauma, blood, war and sad stuff in general. English is not my first language, so sorry in advance for any grammar or spelling errors. The sign language used in this story is made up and does not correspond with any official one. The story is based on the series, not the books.

Rating: Teens and up

Chapter 5/6

Word count: 1,565 words

Vixen took a deep breath as she saw that the battle was over. It hadn't gone as badly as she had thought. Kaz stepped ahead of everyone else and approached Nikolai. The others followed him. Vixen noticed the blond man gave her another glance before turning his attention to the Crows leader. 

“I didn't realize you were patriots.”

Kaz shrugged.

“Well. If you die, we don't get paid," he replied without hesitation. 

Vixen's attention was diverted to the side, where Tolya appeared, leaping over the trenches. 

“Sister!” the man exclaimed before hugging Tamar tightly. 

Vixen had no siblings and the closest thing to a family she had was Kaz and the Crows, no matter how hard she had tried to keep herself from ties that bound her anywhere. But as she watched them embrace, smiling at each other, she felt a bit envious of their relationship. She would have liked to have had a person who loved her as purely as Tolya loved his sister. 

“The blade. Did you find it?” Nikolai asked, remembering the reason the Crows were there. 

“Inej has it. They've gone to find Alina and Mal," replied Kaz.

“We have to do the same," said the prince. Vixen and the rest nodded. “If Kirigan brought the fight here, he's gunning for her," he guessed.

“I've cleared us a way into the fort," said Tolya. “C'mon.”

As they entered the fort, Vixen was surrounded by Jesper and Wylan. The elder hugged the girl by the shoulders, which put her on alert. Although Jesper was a flirt, that gesture was only so she couldn't run away from them.

“So… Vix, is there anything else you want to tell us? Like that you have a lost brother who survived the Fold or that your father is Fjerda royalty," he commented jokingly, though they were both really interested in her telling them the truth.

The girl guessed there was no point in hiding anymore. So after a few seconds of hesitation, she ended up speaking in signs: <<My father was Silverfox>>. She blurted out, causing Jesper's arm to slip from her shoulders and he stifled a cry of surprise.

“Who is Silverfox?” Wylan asked in confusion. He wasn't sure if that was the correct translation, but the two curved hands above her head meant <<fox>> and the crossed pinkies meant <<silver>> so it was as close as he could guess.

“Who's Silverfox? Only the best thief in Ketterdam, maybe even the world. Better than Kaz, and that's saying something," exclaimed the gunslinger excitedly, earning a dirty look from his boss, who was limping behind them with Nikolai. “I always thought you were good at stealing. It clearly runs in your veins," he assured, looking at Vixen with a smile. She shrugged her shoulders. It had been a long time since she'd heard anyone talk about her father's feats.

<<He taught me all his tricks. My name is in honor of him>> She explained. When Kaz had offered her a new identity, Vixen hadn't had much trouble choosing a name.

“The last thing anyone heard of him was that he was locked up in Hellgate,” Jesper continued, though this time he didn't seem as excited.

Vixen nodded, confirming that the rumors were true. <<He was locked up for a hit that went wrong. He died in prison>> she told them. 

They had reached the part of the fort where the Fold began, so they stopped. Nikolai stood first next to Tolya. 

“We go in, we find Alina and Mal," he reminded them of the plan solemnly, though he was not too intimidating because of his limp. Kaz held out his cane.

“Don't you need it?”

“I've got more experience with pain," Kaz replied. 

Vixen was quick to approach her boss and offer her shoulder so they could walk together, but Kaz turned her down. The girl didn't think much of it, knowing Kaz's rejection of physical contact. So she pulled out her daggers and entered the Fold. She knew her daggers wouldn't do much good against a Volcra, but she felt safer with them. They had saved her life one too many times since her father gifted them to her. They followed Tolya through the fort, but when they came face to face with one of said monsters, they had to hide in the first room they found. Vixen didn't usually pray to the Saints because her father didn't believe in them. She was more like her mother in that, as there was no way to deny their existence when they were on their way to protect a real Saint. So she found some irony when she turned around and identified the room as a chapel. In the stained glass window was an image of the Sun Summoner. 

She was about to get down on her knees and begin to pray for the first time since her mother had died when the darkness of the place condensed and formed a huge figure. It was one of the monsters Tolya and Zoya had told them about. One of Kirigan's shadow monsters. 

Wylan voiced Vixen's concern aloud:

“But without the blade, how do you kill a shadow?”

“All we have is this," spoke one of the two grisha that were with them before they both used their Squallers power. They managed to chase him out of the room, but the huge being reappeared.

Wylan threw a light bomb at it, which tear it down. But the monster condensed again.

Vixen tried to use the same trick she had used on the grisha outside, but the monster was made of darkness, it had no water in its body at all. The girl had no way to control it. She decided to leave her grisha powers for another time and picked up her daggers again, positioning herself ahead of Kaz and the rest, in the first line of defense next to Tolya and Tamar. The monster lunged at them, so the three of them discharged their weapons at the same time. 

Vixen had never faced anything like this before, the monster didn't seem to feel any of the slashes they took. It did not tire. It was not weakening. And it was also pulling them apart. By the time she wanted to realize it, each of the occupants of the room were spread out all over the place. The girl had just tried to cut off the right arm with one of her daggers when the sun came through the windows. Alina had succeeded. She had destroyed the Fold.

They made the mistake of stopping. To think that it was all over. But even though the sun was shining into the room, Kirigan's monster was still there, and he seemed as strong and whole as at the beginning.

Tolya tried to stab him again with his sword, but the being of darkness pushed him away and threw him across the room. Tamar approached her brother to check that he was all right. Vixen was left alone in front of the monster, and with only her two daggers she had nothing to do against him. She lunged at it with both knives held high, but the monster turned away. Nikolai was using Kaz's cane to hit the monster. The being transformed its right arm into a pointed end and lifted the prince off the ground by stabbing him in the shoulder.

It was the first time the monster had directly harmed them. It frightened her. She was terrified to see Nikolai's pained face. Letting out a piercing scream, Vixen let her power go out of control. She let the pain that Kaz had taught her to keep at bay for three years come out. A huge wall of water filled the room and trapped the monster inside. Vixen forced the water to spin on itself, creating a whirlpool to prevent it from being able to get out of it and cut its arm in half. Nikolai fell and Tolya and Tamar came at him instantly, but Vixen stayed focused on her task. 

She felt the moment when the monster disappeared from inside the whirlpool. Kirigan must be dead. But the water kept spinning endlessly, gaining speed and strength. She couldn't stop thinking about her mother. That a wall of water was the last thing she had done before she died. Her last gesture of love for her and her father.

“Vixen. It's over now, you can stop," Kaz said. 

She shook her head and put her thumb and forefinger to her forehead <<I can't>>. The rest must have noticed the desperation in her gaze and understood that she couldn't control it, because Tolya let Tamar take care of the wounded prince and approached her.

“Vixen. You just have to let go. Stop resisting who you are. You are grisha. Controlling the water is your nature. You know how to stop, you just have to believe you can do it," he explained. Vixen tried to listen to him, but she couldn't concentrate enough. “If you don't stop now, you will kill us all.”

Vixen closed her eyes and let out a sigh. Her mother was one of the best Tidemakers of her generation. Her blood ran through her daughter's veins. She was a grisha. A Tidemaker. Water was part of her. When she opened her eyes again the water was gone.

---------------------------

Taglist:

1. @going-through-shit

#sturmhond #nikolai lantsov #nikolai lantsov imagine #shadow and bone #grishaverse #grisha netflix #six of crows #Kaz Brekker #inej ghafa #wylan van eck #nina zenik #matthias helvar #tolya #tamar #zoya #genya #alina starvok #the darkling #ravka #ketterdam

[takaraphoenix]

Ok so I just finished watching Shadow and Bone for the first time and I knew you had watched it before so I came to see what your opinions on some of it was. Didn't really see anything for what what is probably my favorite ship is but I don't really care about that right now. I think I'm more interested in knowing what you're Top 5 favorite ships are (Top 10 if you feel like you're having a hard time narrowing it down to just 5 but from what I saw, I don't think that would be a problem???). Also, if you feel up to it, any favorite headcanons for the various characters or ships you might want to include. Much love to you Phoe!!! Now I'm off to go consume for content because I need my pretty men... gods, why are there so many pretty men in this show 😭😭😭 a lot of pretty women too, though I'm gay so it's just aesthetically pretty on their part, lol

oooh you watched ot for the first time! I hope you liked it! And well now I'm cirious what your favorite ship was.

Since I only have exactly 10 ships in this fandom, I will give you a top 10! lol Though since these are all the ships, they actually do span the entire spectrum of "I am obsessed with this", "I've written for this" to "it's a nice sidepairing! I liked when they were on screen but don't really think about them when they're not".

Aleksander/Alina

Inej/Alina

Kaz/Jesper

Genya/Alina

Tamar/Inej

Nikolai/Mal

Nikolai/Alina

Tamar/Nadia

Jesper/Wylan

David/Genya

+ bonus: Tolya/poetry

because I definitely came out of this headcanoning Tolya as aroace and I want this softest of boys to find someone who will platonically share his love of poetry with him. Please. He deserves it.

Not a secret that Darklina is my OTP. I'm not exactly quiet about it. They make me feel all shades of unhinged. I gotta get onto writing about them, honestly, can't believe that hasn't happened yet, but I guess that s1 left me too satisfied with canon overall to want to write just yet. Currently nose-deep in fics about them.

Alina and Inej is a solid second. They didn't have much interaction but what they had was gold. The blade protecting her saint. The worship and awe. These two badasses. I love them. And, much like Alinej, both Kaz/Jesper and Genya/Alina were also ships I came out of s1 with and wrote for after that.

Honestly, Tamar/Nadia would rank higher if the show had dedicated more time to them, but they happened so much in the background and I'm genuinely mad about that. I had to sit through so so so much straight drama especially in this season, but the only wlw ship in this entire show and they barely got screentime. They were cute together, visually, but... I didn't get enough of what made them click, or of Nadia's personality in general to be quite honest, to be as invested as I wanted to be (because I did. I knew that Nadia was a wlw and I knew that Tamar would be introduced this season and I was looking forward to this). So, with what the show gave me? I was like "daw, cute" when they were on screen, yeah.

On the other hand, I love both Tamar and Inej, and the potential of Inej now on the ship makes me think of the potential of those two together. Now, I am a lover of poly so I would not be opposed to just mashing these two ships together either. But I'm really intrigued by Tamar/Inej primarily here.

Nikolai and Alina worked surprisingly well. Didn't think I'd end up with another guy for Alina aside from Aleksander. But I really liked their chemistry and the fake marriage plotline absolutely ended me. He could be her trophy husband, I wouldn't mind.

Jesper and Wylan were honestly a positive surprise to me! You know me, you know my track-record with canon mlm ships! I usually do not like them. So that they made the list at all is great. I'm not super invested, but I thought they were adorable.

And Genya and David were cute too. I don't get why they killed David off? From what I gather, they don't in the books, so that was weird. But I thought they were nice.

Headcanons? Mostly sexuality wise.

Ace Kaz. Ace Kaz was the first once I had. I know his touch aversion roots in trauma but I recognize a lot of my own sex-repulsion in his behavior and am projecting hard so ace Kaz. Also definitely dom Kaz, have you seen that man rule his club, or bring Pekka to his knees (not that I want Pekka to sub for him, ew, but the power Kaz radiated in that moment was *chef's kiss*).

Nikolai the pan pirate who definitely should never have been a prince, like, I would love him so much more if he had just been a pirate but thoughts on the monarchy and how that plotline was handled are too much for this post. ANYWAY yeah I think Nikolai should go back onto his ship and pirate away with his boyfriend. Also, just, can you believe the Enemies to Lovers arc Mal and Nikolai had? I mean, they literally went from "I refuse to know your name" to "take my name", like that is explicitly something that happened in canon. Wild.

Lesbian Inej, which I know, not a popular headcanon in the fandom since the fandom seems to unanimously ship her and her endgame romance. I just... don't really get romantic vibes there at all, even after season 2. I like them as friends, a lot. But I'm getting huge lesbian vibes from Inej and will be clinging onto that, even more so after how little wlw love s2 gave me.

Mal as a suppressed gay would be fun. Like, his thing with Alina was annoying. He didn't give a damn about her romantic feelings for him until she had a boyfriend and suddenly he got jealous. I don't like these types of writings. So I'd love to see that more as Mal never having been romantically interested in her at all, just friend!Mal afraid to be abandoned. The cheeky pirate is his gay awakening. All the girls - and apparently book!Mal was kind of a slut - were just him trying really hard to be straight.

Alina is just a bi queen. And queen literal. That's where the "Niko should go sail with his bf" part comes into play, because... the monarchy needs to go down. She should rule, she should have never supported the damn royal family that's been enslaving and oppressing Grisha for centuries, I just. I don't like that part. I really don't. Ship to rule beside her is optional (Aleksander, Genya, okay fine Nikolai but like she rules, he's just her trophy husband), but queen!Alina is a must. Though gotta admit for my Alinej I still love her as a part of the Crows - post s1, I wrote some where Alina and Mal just... stayed with the Crows after they left Ravka and I'm still fond of that. I still think that would be a fun take.

#Shadow and Bone #Shipping #Headcanons #Darklina #Malkolai #Alinej #Nikolina #Tamadia #Taminej #??? I am guessing?? #Genyavid #Wesper #Genyalina #Kazper #tagging all the ships just to be on the blacklistable safe side #though I am unsure about Tamar/Inej and their ship name