#YES I'M EVEN CROSSPOSTING TO TUMBLR | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

charcubed · 6 months

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Don / Timeline Mobius' kids are coded as Lokis.

This does NOT mean Mobius = father figure.

More so that Mobius' previous wife was probably a mischievous scamp, and... jet-skis also relate to Mobius' true passions.

What will HE want?

Let me explain :)

First: look at the kids.

Kevin = Sylvie.

That's a minute man ^

Just like Sylvie burnt in season 1, episode 1 – and everything she used (the lamp and the reset charges) was stolen, just like Kevin's matches.

And the other kid?

Sean = Loki.

"Don" gets him to help in the same way Mobius got Loki to help catch Sylvie in season 1.

This tactic...

...is the same as this tactic.

The exact same method, on full display! Very amusing to me personally.

Aside from the fact that his kids are, hilariously, little hellions and perhaps take after their wayward mother (who maybe ran away in typical Loki fashion, if she wasn't snapped by Thanos? 👀)… and that that gave Mobius the unique ability to know how to "handle" Lokis, even subconsciously…

We see towards the end of the episode that "Don" cares about his kids, yes; of COURSE he cares about them! They need him!

But.

Being a parent reallyyyy isn't his passion. The work (in this case, jet-skis) is his ACTUAL passion.

He drops everything kid-related to talk about jet-skis... and also drops everything kid-related to talk to Loki.

These 2 things explicitly criss-cross. Deliberately in the context of Don trying to get Loki to fill the role of his new romantic partner.

Plus, y'know, there's the fact that Don immediately flirts with Loki at the store by telling him his entire schedule and announcing to him that he's single. Which is fucking amazing.

Yeah, that's the actual dialogue.

So, I'll spell it all out:

Don's kids are mischievous scamps, and his wife probably is/was too.

Loki is Mobius' ideal partner (which we already knew, but this is another fun detail to enjoy!) – and Loki will actually STAY. He'll REMAIN, if you will.

Mobius' ideal life involves focusing on work that he's passionate about, not being a parent. And it's OKAY for him to want that! Especially in the context of his TVA life. He has purpose-driven work; he's not "abandoning" his kids. And he's helping others.

Loki's conversation with Sylvie is a whole other post to unpack, but: what's wrong with wanting something?

Or: what's wrong with wanting SOMEONE?

It's about "who."

If you're very lucky... the where/when/why AND "who" align.

At the TVA, for Mobius, they do and they will.

Oh, that's lovely.

Yeah.

------

I write lots of Loki meta on Twitter, whoops! I haven't crossposted all of my ep5 meta yet because I'm offline this weekend, but you can find my tweets collected here.

My stuff on tumblr is under the tag "chars loki posts."

#loki meta #lokius meta #lokius #loki spoilers #loki season 2 #loki #mobius #loki series #jetski mobius #chars loki posts #ONE CROSSPOST! ONE! AS A TREAT

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cookinguptales · 9 months

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I almost wrote a small essay in the tags of that "fanwork as content" post but realized that it would probably be better off as its own post. So now it's... a large, rambling essay. lmao

Like... to preface, AO3 is great, it's a great resource for fandom, it feels good to have a centralized location that works well. That said, there has been a steady decline in how I've felt treated as an author since we switched to an archive-only model of fic.

For people who are newer to fandom, pre-AO3 (and even in the early days of AO3), people often crossposted fic. Sometimes to websites, sometimes to journals (particularly LJ/DW), sometimes to communities, sometimes to kink memes...

AO3, while certainly one of the primary places you could upload stuff, wasn't necessarily where you would get most of your primary interaction about your fic. It was always designed to be an archive, not a social media site.

But since we moved to an archive model (and away from LJ/DW) I've noticed that fic gets almost no traction on sites that actually are intended for social interaction. I'm not saying it's easy for any creator in fandom, but god. The numbers on fic posts are just downright demoralizing.

I don't mean to sound arrogant here, but I think I'm a pretty good writer. People seem to really connect with my fic. In multiple fandoms, I've written fic that most people have read and enjoyed, to the point where people have just taken it for granted that if someone reads fic in the fandom, they've probably read something I've written.

All this is to say, I know I've written fics that people like. I know I've written fics that people connect with. And I know those posts still only get like 5 notes sometimes on Tumblr.

I'm proud of my work and I'm happy that it's gotten such a warm welcome on AO3!!! But there are times when I feel like all this means that I could write literally the best fic on earth and still no one would talk to me. People still wouldn't want to interact with me on social media sites.

I wrestled for... honestly, a long time with all this. I had a hard time putting into words why this felt so uh. Bad. Was I just self-conscious about my own writing? Yes, but that's a separate issue. Was I just jealous of others' popularity? Sort of, but it went deeper than that.

I had an issue with a fandom that I don't write in anymore. I got a lot of fanart based on my fic, which was great, which was amazing, there were even fan comics made. Visual media travels better on social media than fic. That's just a fact. And I had to watch as repeatedly, art based on the fic I wrote got thousands of notes while my fic got maybe 12. And I realized the power of social media vs. AO3 because it did get to audiences that weren't familiar with my fic and people started to give those artists credit for my ideas.

I remember watching the tags of those posts because it was occasionally the only way I'd hear feedback on what I'd written (imagine getting one comment and 5 notes on a fic, then seeing dozens of people in the tags of fanart saying that it was their favorite fic in the fandom! it was weird!) and seeing the tags gradually devolve into "oh, this is such a neat idea for an AU, artist OP" or "wow this dialogue is perfect [artist] I love it" and like

It's weird to feel so happy because so many people are enjoying your work in a transformative way but also so unhappy because you have been completely removed from the equation. No one... even knows you wrote those things anymore. You have been removed in favor of a more "marketable" version of your work.

It's uh. It's a bad feeling. I stopped writing in that fandom eventually.

So again, I felt like... idk, like there was no point in me even trying. Because I could write the best fic on earth and still somehow get erased as a person. People would want my "content," but they wouldn't want me.

I think that's what hurt my feelings so much.

What I've realized is this: what I miss is the sense of community. On LJ, you could post a fic, cross-post it to a community, and there would be comments that would become conversations that would become lasting friendships. Not always! But often. I still talk to some people daily who I met through fic on LJ over a decade ago.

In the archive model, there has almost become a death of the author. The me on social media and the me on AO3 are very different; more importantly, it's almost like it's viewed as the "me" is on social media, but the work is on AO3. I am absent. There is only the fic, not the person who created it.

And that's okay, but when you try to combine those two things on social media and it goes over like a lead balloon... idk. There's an odd sense of dehumanization. I don't mean it in like... I don't know, a dramatic human rights violation kind of way. More that I literally feel like less of a human person the way I interact with fandom these days. Like I'm no longer a person who writes fic as a way to connect with my fellow fans and more a "content creator" whose human side is separate from my creation and never the twain shall meet.

(And I'll admit it feels especially galling to be forced into the capitalistic "content creator" box when it's not even a thing I can make money off of, lmao. It's like the worst of both worlds. I feel like if I can't make money off fanfic, I should at least be exempt from capitalistic social trends during its creation.)

I'm not so much complaining about my current fandom; WWDITS has actually been one of the best fandoms for interaction I've been in since the birth of AO3. That's one of the reasons I keep writing stories for fellow fans to read -- many of those fans feel like my friends, and I want to make them happy.

I think that poster was right when they talked about how the pivot from fan to "content creator" has fucked up fandom. There is this sense that we should be treating fandom like a job, often a fast-paced one with no pay. There is this idea that we should be separated from our "content" like you might a worker from their product, and blah blah blah alienation of labor, Marx, I get it, but damn if that isn't a shitty thing to do to your fellow fans who are making art for the love of art.

There are so many things I do love about AO3. I like having a central, organized place to put my fic. I like not having to worry about my work being lost to the ages. I like having an organized comments section I can return to on bad days to cheer myself up.

But I don't like the way that fic has kind of been relegated to a portion of fandom where people aren't particularly social. I don't like the way that authors are separated from their writing. I hear people complain sometimes about A/Ns because god forbid an author leave any trace of their actual personality to distract you from their content.

I can't have DMs with someone on AO3. I can't add someone to my friends list. There are no "beloved mutuals." There is just my work and the people who are kind enough to comment on it, even if they never actually engage with me elsewhere.

It's... a weird feeling, to feel so loved and unloved at the same time. Like you keep writing trying to make something good enough that people will talk to you but like. That's really not how it works. lmao. The best fic in the world won't make you friends anymore. It won't make people see you as a fellow fan rather than a pen name under a title.

My fic is some of the most personal stuff in the entire world, but my personhood is stripped away from it. It's so fucking weird. People like my fic, but they don't like me. They remember my stories but not the person who told them. It's bizarre. It feels like having your life and experiences strip-mined for content, and then the rest of it is just... left behind.

Frankly... I work in the publishing industry IRL and I have had opportunities to write professionally. Real, tangible opportunities. But I turned them down because I've seen it, the way that trying to fit such an intensely personal art form into a capitalistic framework can be exhausting, dehumanizing, and stressful. I don't want that for my work. Fandom has always been an escape from that.

But now fandom is starting to conform to those exact same capitalistic frameworks (and ofc without any kind of capitalistic compensation) and I hate to see it. It's so stressful. I feel like we're losing a lot of what makes fandom fun for writers and we're getting pretty much nothing in return. I'm not surprised that so many writer friends I know in fandom have quit.

like damn, I just wanna have fun with a bunch of dumbshits who love to overanalyze vampires and cry over their dumbshit shenanigans, not take on a second job. one that, I reiterate, I am not being paid for.

(Note: I am not asking for payment, just that I not be treated like a worker. The tradeoff for treating someone like a worker is that they get compensated for it. If I'm not being compensated, no one gets to treat me like this is my fucking job.)

It's a weird thing, because for a lot of people, fandom has become their job. Fanartists at cons selling fanart, youtube essayists making money off videos, professional cosplayers with sponsorships, etc. And so fandom is becoming more corporate, more capitalistic, more marketable. It's frustrating for those who don't want to capitalize on our fannish output, and doubly frustrating for people who are legally unable to do so.

I'm realizing as I write this that I'm most upset about the nonconsensual capitalization of fandom, particularly when imposed on people who are unable to access the very meager benefits of capitalism. I didn't ask for any of this!

Feels like when I'd be forced to go to assemblies for the US military when I was in high school. Like I'm morally opposed to all this but I'm also not physically fit for "service" anyway, so it's doubly insulting. I feel like I've been opted into the, ah, corporatization of fandom when I'm not even eligible for employee benefits. None of this should even apply to me! ;;

Okay!! I'm all het up now so I'm gonna go eat lunch and go for a walk! No monetization of hobbies, only trees.

#I need to go look at a tree lmao #just me #vent post #ask to tag idrk

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parappa-and-lammy · 8 months

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News

ive grown to hate tumblr :D

the drastic and somewhat sudden changes, mainly! at support at staff fex yo shet

SO imma be crossposting on FurAffinity from now on! goal will be exclusively posting there maaaaybeeee, but just crossposting for now ^w^

(it's the only viable art website that i'm willin' to go post on... yes i've considered them all. yes, even that one. all of em. this the only one i decided on)

same name: PaRappa-and-Lammy

good news is, i believe i'll be able to post more often there, since you can have 2 separate art gallerys. Imma intend for my 'Main Gallery' to have my finished digital arts (which take soooo long for me to complete...) and the 'Scraps Gallery' for scribbly sketchbook stuff (which i make WAAAAY more of but dont post here anymore)

#update #parappa #lammy #digggital arting takes a LOT outta me nowadays so itll be epic to have a place to upload my sketchbook scribbles #i make a LOT of those

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deliciouskeys · 2 months

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Writer Tag

Thank you for tagging me, @kosmochlor and @saintmathieublanc<3

How many works do you have on AO3?

47 apparently.

What's your total AO3 word count?

469,180

What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

1) Attack on Titan rated T fic, macro micro (it was part of the canon there lol), blind character element

2) Zinc Molybdate (rising star but very far behind #1)

3) Another Attack on Titan fic rated T. Anime fans are all under 18 I guess.

4) Negan/Rick mpreg lol. I abandoned it when TWD season 8 deeply disappointed me and hopefully that doesn't happen again with the current fandom D: (I don't think it will unless they do something truly idiotic like kill off Ryan in an inexplicable way)

5) The Selfish Gene

Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

Yes I do. It's the least I can do when someone takes the time to write something. Plus many of the comments are so thoughtful and sometimes helpful to the writing process. And I just enjoy responding.

What's the fic you've written with the angstiest ending?

Um. Probably an "original fic" set in the holocaust, unfortunately. I've written fics long ago where main characters die, but those are not angsty somehow, just dark/shock value.

What’s the fic you've written with the happiest ending?

I think it might be Zinc Molybdate lol. First of all it has an ending. And I'd say it's very optimistic about the human spirit and possibilities for change.

Do you write crossovers?

The only true crossover I ever wrote was Alex from a Clockwork Orange x Norman Bates. But I never crossposted it to AO3 from LJ. Can't imagine why XD I'm more of an AU where you recast the characters into a different world girl.

Have you ever received hate on a fic?

Yes, writing bible fic is controversial apparently. Writing holocaust fic is controversial apparently. Mpreg is controversial apparently, although I have never received hate for mpreg on ao3, only on tumblr.

Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

I do..... I wouldn't say it's my forte, despite having it in almost every fic and fic chapter lol. I'd say there's always some element of something being 'off'. Normal people having bad sex, or a fucked up pairing having unsettlingly wholesome sex.

Have you ever had a fic stolen?

I don't think so. In small enough fandoms some ideas become sort of communal, but that's usually just fun 'sharing'.

Have you ever had a fic translated?

YES! And it's in a language that I'm pretty fluent in (but maybe not fic-writing fluent) so it was a surreal, amazing experience. I've translated several fics from Russian and one from French which was a stretch for me.

Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Only in terms of translating others' fics. I've always wondered if I'd be able to do it with the right person.

What's your all-time favorite ship?

Butchlander. Which probably means my favorite ship is whatever I'm currently hyperfixating on, but I've been on this kick for like 20 months now, so I don't take these things lightly :)

What's a WIP that you want to finish but don't think you ever will?

My very first fic, which I started writing at 18 and abandoned at 19 or 20. I couldn't do it, I couldn't give them a happy ending because the pairing was just too messed up, I couldn't give them a sad ending because that's just not within the realm of what I'm willing to do.

What are your writing strengths?

I think I am all about the Emotional Journey, and thus by extension, characterization. I like writing dialogue, so hopefully that's a strength, otherwise the readers get to suffer lol.

What are your writing weaknesses?

I have to remind myself to write even the most basic setting/scenery details. Most of the time I don't think it's very important. I'm probably not a very visual person (although that doesn't mean I don't love art and fanart!). I can write multiple characters outside of the pairing, and those scenes are fun, but I tend to prefer hyperfocusing on just the 2 mains, which is probably a limitation.

What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?

Oh god, I did it in a fic, and ... I shall leave it as I wrote it in my 20s, but... it was ill-advised. I'd say don't do it unless it's a language you know, and even then... why.

What was the first fandom you wrote for?

Uh. Peter Pan. And I don't mean during the Once Upon a Time craze that happened much later.

What's a fandom/ship you haven't written for yet but want to?

Within the Boys, I'll also say Starlander. I like it, and honestly the canon leaves much to be desired, so it's fertile ground. Fandomwise, I read quite a bit of Batjokes and Symbrock, but never wrote anything for them.

What's your favorite fic you've written?

I'll go with Zinc Molybdate. It's got that new relationship fandom energy that is impossible to just bottle up and deploy when wanted. But I like them all.

Zero pressure tags (and sorry if you've been tagged elsewhere) @phoenixtakaramono @eutz @merry-andrews and anyone who sees this and has ao3!

#writing meta #ao3 #ask meme

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brisquad-unit-4402 · 11 months

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regarding ai as a fic writer

hello my name is unit 4402. i don't like to take my tactical gear off but you can recognize me by how i'm going to punt ai into the sun

this has been a common topic on tumblr but i figured i'd make a post about it as a heads up + info for anyone out of the loop

this blog is against ai scraping fanwork without consent. DO NOT FEED MY WORK INTO AI ALGORITHMS.

my current plans below

can i use your work for ai to create a new story? fuck no. that's plagiarism and incredibly disrespectful to the author of any fanfic, not just me. fanfic is a labor of love, not replaceable content. please do not feed my work into ai algorithms.

can i use your unfinished work for ai to finish? fuck no. that's also plagiarism and disrespectful to my time and effort. please do not feed my work into ai algorithms.

but i really liked what you wrote and want to read more: then feel free to talk to me! i love asks and i love messages. i will ramble for hours if you let me. trust me, fanfic writers love when someone lets them indulge in their headcanons or ideas, even if they don't plan on writing them out into fic. and tbh? complimenting a fic writer can sometimes inspire them to write more

[from anon] can i write something myself inspired by your work? yes! i’m flattered to hear that i inspired you! as long as your work doesn’t actually copy mine, such as copy/pasting. if it directly references or uses elements of my fic, please credit me. i’d love to see what you come up with!

can i share your work with others? yes. my only accounts that i post fic on are this tumblr and my ao3. feel free to send my work around to friends, discord servers, twitter, etc as long as my name/links are still attached. i want credit for the time and effort i put into writing

can i post your work on other sites (wattpad, ff.net, etc)? send me a message for permission. please do not crosspost/upload my work to other sites without my permission.

my question wasn't answered: you can message me or send an ask with your question and i'll respond soon

why is ai scraping such a big deal? it's art/writing theft on a massive scale to ultimately make a blander, loveless product from fanwork. plagarism is rampant because of how unmonitored ai scraping is, especially now that bots like chatgpt that use common crawl are confirmed to use ao3 and other fanfic sites as sources. some fans also frown on ai-written fanwork because it's being passed off as completely original work from a human when it's actually a regurgitation of prewritten ideas. there's a lot of reading to do on the subject especially in fan communities such as tumblr/twitter/reddit/etc. send me an ask/message if you want me to elaborate

thanks for your patience everyone. ai scraping is a shitty situation and i appreciate your understanding

#unit 4402 reporting #navigation #rules

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edoubunny · 5 months

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So- I may just want to address this to what I'm gonna do on social media.

I wanted to see if I can post on DA again. Is the site not as good as back before it got its massive overhaul? Yes, that is a true statement. However, it's still good to post stuff there, and I kinda miss doing it. Even still considering crossposting my fics here from AO3, and also do so here, if anyone wants to. I'm sure anyone would wanna see more of the fics here than just AO3

Meaning any of you being my watchers on DA that stuck with me for THIS long, I'll be posting fanfiction again. It's just been 14+ years and I would need to relearn how to post fics t here. But, point still stands, I will make that decision. Especially making more fanfics and focusing posting art here more again

Not to mention, I don't think I'll be posting much on twitter anymore, so- I might be making daily art posts and make a 500 prompt list or something so I can post SOMETHING on DA and Tumblr.

In case you missed it, I do have a new commission method involving Artistree now!! Link is here

And about the crossposting of my fics, yes, this includes any new megaman fics I made, especially the xzeroweek ones. Which I may also consider hosting in 2024 but be doing it during June and prominently here. I'll see when I make posts about it.

Anyway, that's all the updates I think I have for social media wise, and I hope I get to post more soon!! Both art and fic wise!! See ya!!

#shut up vincent #social media update #too much to keep up with I swear

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captain--sif · 10 months

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I have always crossposted my fics to AO3, tumblr and wattpad, and even if I don’t really want to care about “engagement”, as a statistics-lover I just can’t help but clicking on the little “statistics” button wattpad is offering me.

From what I can see on my own fics, it seems like one-chapter fics are much less appreciated on wattpad than they are on the other platforms I use and than longer fics on wattpad and while I am not going to change my behavior because of those stats (my fics will be the length they turn out to be, and I'm gonna post them anyway) I’m still curious, so:

Would love for people to reblog, since I'm not sure if I have followers on tumblr itself that read or write on Wattpad, and drop an explanation in the tags if your reason for clicking differs from the one I've given or you want to give a more detailed opinion :)

#sif talks #wattpad #fic #fan fiction #talking about fanfiction

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softending · 8 months

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Happy birthday! Love your art and your OCs Henry and Patrick especially, they're some of my favorite original characters I've ever seen online! Even before you publicly posted NSFW art of him, I have thought that Patrick was really hot just from the SFW art on your main account, lol. Having a somewhat similar body type to him myself, as well as finding people who look like that to be very attractive, I really like the way that his character and emotion come through so strongly in the way he carries himself physically! As well as how you highlight his body shape, bulk and chubbiness in ways that aren't as commonly seen on characters meant to be viewed as attractive, but I find really cute and hot. And it comes through in your art that you do as well, in a similar way to how I do, and are very good at expressing it visually! So I am delighted to see that you intend to post NSFW art of these characters as well as more SFW art. Currently following you on Tumblr and have looked at your twitter using Nitter but (no pressure, obviously) would love to see you make a Cohost since Twitter is such an unstable platform and difficult and unreliable to look at without an account, and Tumblr won't allow more explicit sexual art. Regardless, I am very excited to see more of your art!

dude, this is such a lovely message! and thank you for the birthday wishes, too :D

pat's body type is absolutely one of my favorite types to draw. just generally i love emphasizing like, softness and shape and like, naturalness? i love the way bodies drape and fold. it's sexy!! and i'm glad that comes across even in the sfw stuff, seriously. thank you so much!

also, yes, totally re: twitter. with the way things are going over there, i'd definitely like to find a long-term replacement that is fine with hosting nsfw stuff, so i might get some crossposting to a cohost account set up too soon ✌️

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cmdonovann · 11 months

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Accomplishments! Quantum Break fansite in progress!

(originally posted June 8th, 2023; crossposted from dreamwidth.)

Well, I removed Tumblr from my phone to prevent me from wasting so much time there, which means I now have nowhere to easily and quickly post my inane thoughts (at least not without feeling like I'm bothering people on Discord or in direct messages, though perhaps that's something I should work on). You know what that means! It means I'm probably going to try posting them here instead. Thing I want to post about: I'm making a Quantum Break fansite! I've been wanting to do this for ages, and actually started putting together a couple of little graphics for it during the "Quantum Break Appreciation Month" event I ran on Tumblr in April, but I hadn't made much progress on the project since then... until the past few days, anyway, when I started brainstorming what I actually want to do with the site, how I want to lay it out, and so on. Yesterday I put together some CSS for the site, and today I did The Hard Part: I set up a git/GitHub repo for the site, and got the "deploy to neocities" script working for it, so I can easily and quickly make updates to the site in VSCode, then push from there to GitHub to neocities all at once, like I do with my personal site. Was this an absolute pain to set up? Yes! Somehow, it took me even longer to do it a second time than it did the first! But I did it myself, with a lot of encouragement and rubber duck-ing from a few very helpful people in the Fandom Coders chat. Can't say I'm not proud of myself for that. I would not have had the skill or confidence a year ago to do something like this, especially not all the mucking about I did in the terminal trying to set up the git repo in the first place. Anyway, I am, to put it mildly, extremely fucking excited to continue working on this site. I've got big plans: first order of business is to get an archive set up of all the Quantum Break fanfic I can get my hands on (and get permission from the authors for). After that, I'm probably going to do the same for fanart and image edits like photosets and gifsets from Tumblr, since the CSS page styling for those will likely be similar (though I expect to run into some attribution problems with older Tumblr posts, what with so many deactivated or moved blogs post-2018). Once that's sorted out, I'm considering looking into the best way to archive fanvids, but honestly that might be put off for a while longer, as video hosting and video players are way out of my skill level currently. Maybe I'll import some of my Quantum Break playlists from my personal site, too? Oh yeah, and at some point down the line, I want to make a searchable wiki with transcripts of all the in-game narrative objects. But "searchable" is probably going to be a stumbling point there, and transcribing takes ages, so this will be last priority, I think. Wow, that's... a lot, actually! Damn! This is gonna take a while. Not that I mind spending a couple of years poking at a project, obviously. *Gestures at my longfic that took four years to finish...* I've been neck deep in this fandom for over seven years, what's another five or ten? XP

btw, since it's fairly easy to post images on tumblr (compared to dreamwidth, anyway), here's a screenshot of the section that's currently in progress: the fic archive index!

(ignore my filler text... i usually use karkalicious as my lorem ipsum, so at least i'm not committing THAT particular crime here.)

i'm still futzing around a little with the styling (negative margin my beloathed) but it's coming along pretty well! i've already got a branch where i've started... you know, actually adding fic to the site, but i won't merge that into the main and add a link to the front page until the style problems have been fixed (or at least, fixed enough to be easily navigable on mobile, which... is not the case right now, lolrip).

#quantum break #coding #fansite #dreamwidth #cmdonovann #well that was surprisingly easy! i didn't expect copypaste to preserve the formatting...#also added some commentary #because it's been a couple days since the dreamwidth post #and i've been working on the site since then lol

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k-u-m-a-c-h-a-n · 2 years

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Drippy shoes

Hawks x reader one-shot (crossposted)

Now, before reading this, keep in mind that:

I am by NO MEANS a (good) writer, writing is not my passion, I simply enjoy doing it for fun, sometimes (rarely)

I wrote this story a few months ago, I just wanted to post it on my Tumblr account too

If you find any grammatical mistakes, tell me!

Crappy fanfic or not, please do not repost this anywhere

I literally just copy and pasted it + the A/N (a.k.a. I didn't re-read it)

It's very...cringy

Reader is female! (this is why)

" Can't wait to see his face, pff.. " you chuckle. What are you doing, you ask? Well, you see… It's nothing too scandalous, just a little prank between boyfriend and girlfriend… Best friends… Boyfriend and girlfriend who are best friends…like… Let's say, pouring sweet chilli into Hawks' shoes… Really, no big deal.

" Oh my fucking God, he's going to be SO pissed, holy shit-.. " you say to yourself, wheezing, while pouring the rest of the sauce in his 'Yoyogi Park Pack' adidas x atmos forum shoes.

Oho… Now THOSE were some expensive shoes (they aren't THAT expensive, I think they cost the average adidas price? Idk, but let's just pretend they're super duper expensive). Actually, YOU got HIM these shoes for Christmas, you know, a special occasion. It's not like you had a choice, he had to beg on his knees just to get you to buy those damn shoes. You asked him why couldn't he buy them on his own, but he never really gave you a proper answer, something like " Ehh… You know me, always broke, haha-" or " I don't like wasting money on something that someone else can buy me. " and even " I'm saving up a bit for something special. ". That 'something special' turned out to be some video games that you hadn't gotten yet, AND an expensive short trench coat that you'd always wanted. And hey, you WERE grateful, I mean, why wouldn't you be? Video games and a trench coat? Score!

My God, you still remember his stupid little face when he used to beg nonstop, "But baaabe… They look so COOL??? Do you NOT like them? They're so fashionable AND they're inspired by the Yoyogi Park! THE Yoyogi Park! Do you have any idea how many times I went there? Like… TWICE. ". So… With a little bit of more bickering, you ended up buying his oh-so-' fashionable' shoes. And boy, was Hawks happy when he got a glimpse of the somewhat heavy adidas box.

But AAAAAAAANYWAY… What you did last Christmas doesn't concern you right now, BACK TO YOU.

After filling his lovely shoes with your sweet chilli sauce, you decided to hide the half-empty bottle in your purse/bag/backpack, and wait for Hawky-baby to arrive. (You guys do NOT live together, yet, at least. You were just hanging around his place). " Note to self, buy more of the godly sauce. " You know… Now that you think about it, Hawks shouldn't even be that mad, you took your TIME to fill up his shoes with such an appetizing CONDIMENT, that, by the way, did NOT come in CHEAP.

Half an hour later, while watching YouTube videos on his Smart TV, you heard the door being unlocked (YES, he locked you inside, ok?? FOR SAFETY REASONS). "Hawks?" You asked, even though you knew it was him. " No, it's Dabi. " Hawks chuckled. "Haha. Very funny, Hawks. How was work? How come you're home early?", " Why? Did you want to spend more time in MY house? You know, the place where I live? Did I interrupt something? " You rolled your eyes, a small smile on your face " No, of course not." "Well, it doesn't matter anyway. I need to go somewhere else, but I want to take a quick shower and change clothes first. " he said, while taking off his jacket, and heading to the bathroom. " Go on, am I stopping you? " you answered, sitting back down on his sofa.

The sound of clothes being scattered on the floor could be heard, as well as the shower curtain being shoved away, and the water hitting the ground.

As your excitement grew, you unpause the video you were previously watching and wait for Hawks to come back, trying to calm down a bit, not wanting Hawks to hear your giggles from the living room.

When your dear boyfriend came out of the bathroom, in nothing but a towel around his waist, you don't spare him a glance, and neither does he, heading directly to his room to get some new clothes, muttering something about ''getting new shoes because the pair he was wearing had become dirty from all that fighting and he doesn't have enough time to clean them up right now.'' You ask him what was he going to put on then, and he says that he would like to wear the shoes you had bought for Christmas.

Mentally smirking, you tell him that it'd be a great idea to wear some clothes with earthy colours, to match with his shoes. He agrees, and in no time, he comes out of his room looking good as new, and very stylish.

'' How do I look, (y/n)?'' '' With your eyes, Hawks.'' '' You are no longer welcome in my house.'' '' You can't do anything about it now though, can you?'' Hawks hummed in amusement, not really trying to find a comeback because he was running late.

'' Where are you going, anyway?'' you asked, realising that he never told you where he was going. '' Somewhere important.'' he replied. '' Somewhere important… where? Elaborate.'' '' Wouldn't you like to know, weather girl?'' '' Alright then, keep your secrets.''

The moment you were waiting for was so close…just a little bit more… '' Phew… keep it down, (y/n). Don't wanna blow your cover now, do you?'' you quietly tell yourself, sighing.

'' Well, I'll be off now, take care and try not to damage my stuff too much.'' '' Who, me? I would NEVER.'' you dramatically gasp. '' Pff…yeah, sure you won't.''

Finally! The moment has come! In 3… 2… 1…

'' WHAT THE FUCK?!''

Not being able to contain your excitement anymore, you burst out laughing, tears of hilarity rolling down your burning cheeks.

'' WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?? (Y/N), DID YOU DO THIS?? ANSWER ME, DAMMIT!!'' After you settled down a bit, you answer: '' Hawks, I already told you, I would never do such thing! I'm a Saint!'' you chuckle, the image of Hawks putting on his juicy shoes playing in your head.

'' This is DISGUSTING. Seriously, (y/n)? It's just downright NASTY, it feels HORRIBLE. Especially after you took a goddamn SHOWER.'' '' Oh well, it is what is is.'' '' Eugh… God give me strength…''

Your partner, clearly in a bad mood, decided to go inside the bathroom once again to clean up his feet, socks and…shoes.

'' Ah fuck, I can't believe you've done this. I don't even understand the reason behind this stupid prank. Was it something I had done again? I told you, you can call me out whenever you feel like I did something to upset you.'' Hawks grumbled from the bathroom, easy to hear since he didn't close the door.

'' Oh, it's nothing like that, I just wanted to see your reaction. What's the problem? I thought you liked that sweet chilli sauce.'' you say in a relaxed tone. '' Yeah, I like it on CHICKEN, a.k.a. FOOD.-'' he yelled. '' Very poor choice of words, chicken wings. I see no difference.'' you smile at his suffering. ''-AND the problem is that: a) I'm late for dinner, AND b) my precious shoes are RUINED. What am I supposed to do now?'' Hawks sulked.

You were about to answer regarding his 'precious shoes' problem, how he could always just throw them away and get a new pair since he DOES have the money, or just find someone that would be able to thoroughly clean his shoes…even though you think that buying a new pair would be better since there are extremely slim chances of finding someone experienced enough for such a job…ahem…you filled those shoes up pretty good. (Props to you)

'' Hold up…dinner?'' you asked, curious, ''I though you were going somewhere important?'' '' Is dinner not important? People need to eat, (y/n). Jeez.'' the angry birdman answered. '' Where, exactly, were you planning to go?'' '' Isn't it obvious?''

'' KFC…'' he muttered. '' Oh my God.'' you facepalmed. '' What? What's wrong with KFC? It's not like I was going to bring you with me.'' '' Hawks, I thought you were going to an important meeting or something like that, not KFC! How are you even late? Were you going to meet up with someone?'' you said, confused. '' No…I was planning to go by myself, as I always do.'' '' Hawks…'' '' Me and the boys were gonna eat until we passed out.'' You sighed, but after thinking for a second, why were you sighing exactly? because you wanted him to be late to an important meeting that turned out to be a dinner date with his homies? To be honest, you can't be upset right now, I mean…You don't have a reason to be, YOU'RE the one who ruined HIS shoes, and it's not like he hasn't gone to KFC with his friends before. '' Ok ok, I get it, but why didn't you just tell me what you were going to do? It's not like you weren't allowed to go, you know.'' Zoning out for a second, he looked at you and shrugged, not knowing either. '' You're an idiot.'' You said softly. '' Hey! Sometimes I just do things…that make no sense, ok? It doesn't matter, important meeting or not, my shoes would've been filled with chilli sauce anyway.'' '' Yeaaaah, that's true…'' you replied, not knowing what to say next.

Now that everything has been cleared out, you didn't know what to do, and neither did Hawks. Hm… I guess that prank wasn't as funny as you thought it'd be. For some reason, after these events, everything felt kind of awkward, and you had no idea why (and neither did the author).

Sighing once again, you snicker and tell Hawks that he should hurry up, not wanting him to be any more late than he already is. He couldn't help but let out a stifled laugh, agreeing with what you said. Grabbing another pair of sneakers, he kisses your cheek and leaves through the window, but not before yelling "I love you, chickadee! Even though you poured sauce in my shoes!". "Oh, shut it! I bet you did something to deserve it anyway! And don't forget to bring me something!" you also yelled. '' No promises!'' he replied one last time, before receding from your view.

After making sure that he won't be home any time soon, you go into his living room, where you originally were, to lie down on his couch and wait for your winged doofus.

BONUS: An hour or so later, you felt your phone/tablet vibrate, a signal for you to pick it up and see who has sent you message, or, a notification from a youtuber. Turning on your device, you see a message from your so-called 'beloved': '' Oh, btw, you owe new shoes, boo.'' You groan and turn it off, pretending you didn't see his demand.

A/N: Now....idk if you have noticed, but I have kind of lost motivation halfway through the fan fic, and I also didn't know what to write because...it didn't really make sense, ya dig? Oh yeah, this fan fic was supposed to be about Hawks trying to get revenge on you, but I guess it didn't work out. I was thinking about making a part 2 about it, where he actually gets revenge lol. Umm...it didn't come out very great...as I thought it would...it looked better in my mind, but oh well...it is what is is.

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willel · 1 year

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There's a lot of shipping drama that gets toxic and the platonic bonds are wonderful. I agree with people when saying that the Duffers don't always handle romantic relationships very well. It's not terrible but they struggle with it nonetheless. I would just note that there's also a tendency to judge fans who are invested in romantic relationships as shallow and not as smart sometimes and they're made to feel bad for caring about it and that's not pleasant either. Especially with female fans.

I don't feel that way about shipping in general. I honestly don't. If you know you know (I am and was a part of a ship some years back from the series that shall not be named and drama continues there to this day that I refuse to partake in) I made theories about my ship. I'm developing an entire fangame based around my ship. Obviously, being a female shipping fan of this one ship does not make me any less intelligent.

What I hate, what I criticize, what I tire of is the endless fighting over nothing. It truly is endless. If you love your ship, why aren't you creating content and art for your ship? Why are you investigating ships you don't like? Why are you purposely antagonizing ships you despise? (not you specifically)

Both sides do this. And this is not exactly an equivocation but the other day I SAW someone literally crossposting here on tumblr being an utter shithead knowing those shippers would see it and get upset.

That's some real immature braindead behavior right there. At that point, they aren't shipping anything, they're just attacking people online who disagree with them over a fictional show.

"You don't like my ship, that's why I'm in this tag calling you all losers 🤪😜 Tee hee, come and attack me! Your ships sucks haha!"

That's some real immature braindead behavior right there. At that point, they aren't shipping anything, they're just attacking people online who disagree with them over a fictional show.

I'm not exactly expecting the Stranger Things fandom to rise above it given this is shipping culture in almost every big fandom. But I dunno. Back in the day it wasn't THIS bad. And I mean, tumblr has probably the least amount of drama there is when it comes to the shipping war but it's still there.

I challenge everyone really actively into ships on tumblr.com. Don't cross tag. Keep your ships in your shipping tag. Don't even THINK about the other ship. Pretend it doesn't exist. No backhanded comments, no allusions to the other side. Nothing. Ship your ship, consume your ship, mind your own business and I PROMISE you and your shipmates will be SO much happier.

It will significantly improve the entire fandom and you can all get back the theorizing good things about your ship instead.

Yes, there is a stigma around shipping, but I'll be honest. Part of it is because people, men AND women (and the non-binaries), fight over just... straight up nonsense. No, it's not stupid to care about ships in general. Yes, I think it's braindead to be fighting over ships and attacking people over it.

I'm sure in some fandom out there, there are platonic shippers who will rip each other apart over which sibling pair is the best but.... even you must admit those are far and in between. Usually, this silly bickering over ships is entirely based on romantic shipping. And gender has nothing to do with it.

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sysig · 2 years

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I didn't know abt the tumblr detox you're doing until now, but I hugely respect it. I was experiencing similar stuff, and actually wound up deleting my tumblr bc of it, for better or worse. You talking about how tumblr is temporary made me think though, i would be so sad if one day i wasn't able to see all your beautiful art. Your Vargas stuff especially has been a huge and much needed source of joy for me since i found it last year. Do you put all of your art anywhere more permanent online?

I can only guess this is about my blog cleaning? Although I’m not deleting any of the original stuff I’ve posted, so maybe my existentialism? All of them feel far away now lol, sorry I'm not Entirely sure what you're referring to haha

I am glad to have been able to provide some comfort and joy with my art, that makes me happy to hear ♥ I hope it continues to!

For better or worse, as you said, tumblr is my main social media at the moment - even the little bits of Vargas and other art that I’ve uploaded to DA have been cherry-picked out from the main sets, so not everything gets crossposted. Also, I’m sure you’ve noticed but I have a kind of daunting backlog, so every time I try to catch up I just feel like I’ve fallen further and further behind haha

The sad reality is, the internet is impermanent. Putting my faith into any one site is just asking for trouble *cough* because who’s to say it’ll be there tomorrow? And crossposting to other websites to try and diversify my odds feels like an uphill battle that only gets worse the longer I go without it and I just end up spiralling lol

Make no mistake, I don’t plan on leaving this hellsite anytime soon! I have no intentions of deleting any of my blogs, and I keep backups should the worst happen - I’m not going anywhere fast lol

All that said, the most reliable places that I’ve been uploading to/looking into have been my Patreon, where allllll my doodles from the last couple years are hosted, unedited, even the ones I scrapped haha, though without my usual commentary. I’ve made plans to add more to my backlog, should there be an interest for it. I’ve also been looking into neocities which has very much withstood the test of time, although I’m still extremely new to it, so don’t expect anything there for a while. I’m always open to suggestions too!

So yes, I’ve got other sites that I frequent, but none to the level of completeness that I’ve got over here. It’s been on my mind, believe you me, to start making a more comprehensive list of “Also find me here!”, I just get easily distracted and disheartened by how much work it’s going to be haha

#Anonymous #Got a little heavy there sorry ouq #It's just been on my mind like - constantly lol #Legacy is shockingly important to me when I step back and look at it for like .2 seconds haha #Anyway anyway anyway #I really am grateful that my art brings you happiness ♥ That's wonderful #And I do very much want to protect it - and all my long-winded musings about it! Lol #It's mostly a matter of finding the time energy and brainspace for it - and taking it in small digestible chunks ugh #I am the most impatient person when it comes to making things - spending multiple ''sessions'' working on something Kills The Man #Part of why I've gotten so little headway on my blog cleaning my last tag was from forever ago eesh #Time is a cruel cruel cruel cruel cruel mistress lol #Anyway!!! To bring a bit of cheer in here!!#If there's ever any art of mine that you Simply Must Save because losing it would be a sad - believe me I've been there so many times #Please feel free to keep a private collection lol - not like you need my permission to download jpgs off the internet #But you do have it - keep a backup folder of faves if it brings you comfort #I know it does for me haha ♪#And in the meantime I'll try and get my brain into a slightly more reasonable condition to work on stuff lol

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nebulousbrainsoup · 2 months

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→ this blog is strictly 18+; minors do not interact (mdni). if i catch a minor interacting with my work, whether it be sfw or nsfw, they will be promptly blocked and permanently blacklisted. the same goes for anyone supporting minors within adult spaces. don't disrespect my boundaries and the boundaries of others like that.

→ ageless blogs will be soft blocked. while i would love to assume the best and believe my ageless blogs out there are adults, i would rather keep myself safe and out of legal trouble. i give a grace period of 48 hours after following to read my rules & regs and disclaimers.

→ don't be transphobic, homophobic, xenophobic or otherwise racist on my page. there's a lot going on in the world right now and i will post political things from time to time; if you disagree, find the unfollow or block button. my views are my own and you are not likely to shift them.

→ i reserve the right to block anyone leaving backhanded compliments on my works. respectful constructive criticism is welcome (preferably by ask), but if i find any form of "thanks for not doing it this way" or "so much better than x", i will be blocking you. and i'll probably write the other thing out of spite.

→ empty blogs will be soft blocked. tl;dr, the tumblr algorithm can't tell the difference between active empty blogs and bots, and a large bot following can lead to being shadowbanned. i like having even a small amount of reach; i work hard and i won't let something so silly take my safe space away.

→ don't be toxic. respect me and my mutuals and we won't have a problem.

→ reposters and plagiarists will be blocked and blacklisted. i have one other account i may post early versions of works or idea dump on, @notabonestealer, so anything from that account is me. only my critical role works and upcoming collab with cybrsan will be crossposted on ao3. please notify me if you find any of my works elsewhere.

STATUS: [CLOSED]

I WRITE FOR:

→ ateez → seventeen → stray kids → star wars → critical role (campaign 2)

i may write sfw content for xikers in the future, but we'll see. i already have enough trouble writing for the boys who are a few months younger than me; the babies are uncharted territory.

I WILL NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, WRITE:

→ anything with anyone underage. nsfw, sfw, doesn't matter. minors may appear as side characters, but they will be used sparingly. i'm not gonna write about people who aren't allowed on my blog.

→ non-con/dub-con/assault scenarios; yes this includes cnc. no kinkshaming here, but due to personal reasons, it's no longer something i can write or consume. go check out some of my moots tho!

→ incest/step-cest

→ watersports or scat play

→ romanticization of self-destructive behaviors. while i may, on occasion, write something related to these topics, they will always be about the recovery process and finding a support system.

i reserve the right to decline any requests that make me feel uncomfortable or i think are beyond my skill level. i appreciate the ambition from some of y'all, but i can only deal with so much horny twister.

DISCLAIMER — all works found on this blog are purely fiction and should be treated as such. no work created by nebulousbrainsoup is meant to represent any character or idol in any way.

#neb.bulletin #rules & regs #blog rules

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parryingcasuals · 5 months

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Visbreak Ramble #1 - Desert Duo Special

*cough* My first post other than that starter, whoo!

Visbreak is my AU written in AO3 (also crossposted on Wattpad, soon might be on Tumblr and Quora), and boy oh boy do I have a lot to talk about. Recommend you read the main fic first to understand a few terms, but it's not a must.

I tend to overthink a lot, and because I for some reason decided that Marvel's a thing here, Scar's (and several others, but he's the most obvious) hero alias is really affected by this. Context; it's Hawkeye. And... that's not gonna end well for him if he uses it for commercials and his own merch due to the trademark that Marvel has, so guess what name he uses?

HotGuy.

Legally, his hero alias was always Hawkeye, and due to some legal loopholes, it's actually possible to have a trademarked name as one. But because he's often put in the limelight as 'HotGuy', it resulted it that alias being used more often than his actual alias. Whoops.

Inspired by @applestruda's Hawk Hotguy post, I went on and said to myself, "Whoa, that's a cool idea", and promptly decided that every time Scar is Hawkeye/HotGuy, he immediately casts an illusion which makes his allay/vex wings into one of a grey hawk, and also that specific avian's traits.

Why? Because Cub's a fan of wordplay and gave him that idea in the first place.

Now, what is CuteGuy in Visbreak, you may ask? It's actually a running gag amongst The Hermits and their fans to call Grian's hero alias, Poultryman, as CuteGuy due to a certain interview on The Recap (Visbreak's version of the Hermitcraft Recap), which had Grian say a very legendary quote;

"You're HotGuy because I'm hot, wouldn't that mean I'm the cute one because you are?"

Yes, it came off sounding like an accidental flirting. Was it intended? No. Did it sound unnecessarily narcissistic? Maybe. How did Scar react to it? By saying;

"CuteGuy? Sounds like something a sidekick of mine would go with."

Did the crowd love it? Absolutely. Right after that broadcast, when Grian showed up on TV, reporters and even The Hermits themselves started (jokingly) calling him 'HotGuy's Sidekick, CuteGuy'.

Scar, in fact, does not have a sidekick.

Scar has made many outfits for Hawkeye/HotGuy, yet his favourite would be his fifth and last one, which was designed by Grian himself. That change came after the Civil War in Hermitopolis (an event which would be covered later on), where a lot of heroes in The Hermits decided to do an outfit change.

Is there a CuteGuy outfit? In fact, yes. Scar based it out of his own, and gave it to Grian as a Christmas gift post-Supelaw, so sadly, the public never got the chance to ever see the CuteGuy look on Grian.

Scar and Grian's duo outfit is based on @applestruda's interpretation of the official skins, so props to her for the design!

Desert Duo are in fact, soulmates. The story for that is quite spoiler-heavy if I told you outright, but in a sense, something happened and Grian's the first living being that Scar saw.

Technically he and Jellie could be soulmates, but he saw Grian first.

It's actually the context on the HotGuy comment Grian made above, because soulmates actually affect each other's appearances and abilities.

With Grian as our focus now, he's established as a shapeshifter in (at least what I think) WCBRC's prologue. He prefers being an avian compared to any other, and would often stray away from birds of prey in front of The Hermits, as he'd prefer the scarlet macaw over everything.

As Poultryman, he became a chicken avian, though before that, he went with either a blue and yellow macaw, cockatiel, hyacinth macaw, scarlet macaw, or a certain-green-parrot-no-one's-sure-about during his vigilante days as Jungle Bandit (or Jungler, it really depends on who you ask).

But as Raptor, it's clear that he's any type of bird of prey. He prefers the fast-going ones, though. But in fights, he'll definitely go for the seriemas and their... head-crushing stomps.

Not yet discussed nor thought by Grian himself in canon (yet), but as CuteGuy, he'll definitely be a bird with something red and pink, maybe even black. The most possible one is a black rosy finch, but is still undecided. Might change in the future.

Keeping with the parrot theme, though, another choice is a pink-white or red-black parrot of sorts. If we go for the latter, the palm cockatoo and red-tailed black cockatoo are one of the highly-plausible choices. As for the former the pink cockatoo or even the galah is a possibility.

Lastly, it is imperative that Grian is buff. He just. Is. He's the definition of a sleeper build, and I am not changing that. He wears so many baggy clothing, people will be surprised at how he looks when he wears very tight looks. Why does Grian even dress that way? He prefers people underestimating him as a first impression. Don't ask. He just likes seeing their expressions once they find out.

What expressions? Nothing positive. Find out about what?... nothing positive.

And also, long-haired Grian who puts his hair into a 'waffle' braid is such a great idea. Sometimes he ties it into a manbun, most often as Raptor. Is white streak canon because Grian died and got revived in his 100 Hours series?

Not really, but it might as well be. Whether or not it's canon is up for debate.

Oh, dear God, did that feel good writing everything down. And no worries, there's a lot more from where that came from. The only thing limiting me are the available colours for text.

Beware once more appear.

Alright, that sounded ominous-

Spelling mistakes can be attributed to the fact that I posted this somewhere around 10 PM.

#aero rambles #visbreak au #hermitcraft #desert duo #hot guy scar #poultry man grian #cute guy grian

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terryanddaisy · 8 months

Text

Meredith - Prologue

Hey, guys! I've been scraping together a fanfic idea set in Bullet Train with a female OC I've quickly gotten attached to who's a very, very angry civilian seeking justice for a past wrong. I plan to follow the events of the film fairly closely with a few major changes. There won't be any romantic relationships or smut. I will warn that she's in heavy grief and is struggling with depression, self-loathing, and suicidal thoughts. This is an emotionally rocky one. Additionally, while I've had an account on AO3 and Tumblr for a bit, I have written very little and forced myself to just get the prologue over with, so it's not beta read. I would love some comments and feedback! Crossposting Meredith from AO3! I hope you enjoy! *end notes*

Waking.

Brushing.

Dressing.

Working.

Home.

Brushing.

Bathing.

Sleeping.

Waking.

Brushing.

Everything is fine. Just change your clothes. Like a functional person.

Working.

Home.

Cry at the graveyard.

It’s past midnight. Wanna get mugged?

Almost driving on the wrong side of the road.

Home.

Bathing.

Brushing.

Sleeping.

Waking.

Come to school late. Now you really have failed your kids.

So sorry, sir. It won't again.

No, sir. I'm fine.

Please don't. Please don't pity me. Please hate me as much as I hate myself.

Home.

Takes forever to sleep tonight. But when do I not?

Stop that. What was that Lily told you? Try making up a story in your head. Have fun making your story…writing it…dreaming it…

You failed her. You can’t even remember what she told you. Even though she made you feel so good. Selfish bitch.

Don’t swear, Jess would say. But you failed her too, didn’t you?

Waking kicking and screaming.

You idiot, it’s Saturday. And you failed your therapist too.

Therapy. Barry. Barry’s sweet. Too sweet for his own good.

How does he do that? Smile and always see the good in people, no matter what?

You were able to do that too, weren’t you?

But that’s what made you betray the people you trusted.

You bump into Nanao. Nanao, another one of Barry's patients. He's sweet too. Certainly jittery. And a bit on the older side. One of the few friends you made these days.

You have so much respect for the aging, the experienced, who were able to still look both behind and forward with joy.

You wish you were able to have that.

Home.

Sleeping.

Waking.

You try those breathing exercises Barry told you about. You hear heartbeats that aren’t your own.

You faint and you remember screaming.

Waking. 3 AM. Guess you got sleep after all.

Old records. You kept every tape, every news report, every article.

Everything was so perfect. Where did it go so wrong?

You cry yourself to sleep on the floor.

Waking. 11 AM. Well, hello there, Sleeping Beauty. Damn near let yourself get raped by the prince.

Lily and Jess wouldn’t want you speaking like that either. And everyone else. Minnesota nice indeed.

You pull yourself back up. You have pathetic form.

You go to church. You weren’t exactly devout, but you know God will come for you. You want Him to. You wanted to come for Him, too. Give you what you deserved. You pray to everyone you loved. At least they’re in Heaven.

Home.

Cooking. You are barely awake and spill and burn yourself to your heart’s discontent. You realize you made Timmy’sfavorite food.

You slam your face into your plate. Cleanup. Clean up, clean up, everybody clean up…

Stop that. You don’t deserve to sing that song. You don’t deserve to sing ever again.

Brushing.

Wait…brushing, bathing, three meals…whatever. You can’t keep track of those things anymore. Just do whatever and sleep.

Whatever.

Sleep.

Whatever.

Sleep.

Whatever.

Sleep.

On and on and on and on…That’s it.

That’s what should be it.

Move on. You cannot remember how many times you were told that, how many times you tried, by the people who were also hurt by what happened.

You hated yourself even more, when you saw how much better they were at coping than you.

Why don’t you try that? Your kids would want you to.

Yes. That’s it. The power of love. Use that.

Love that you—

Oh, at least pretend you are who you used to be, you hollow shell!

You try to tell Barry a joke. He laughs. You smile. It’s not fake but it feels like it. It hurts.

You drive past the police station. You feel like dying. But you go in.

Hey, guys. It’s you-know-who again.

What did I say about pity—?!

Sorry, guys, I’m fine.

Awkward jokes. Awkward laughing. Awkward silence.

Move on. Move on. Move on.

So…

Don’t.

…anything about…

Ruin.

…Meredith?

Why didn’t you literally fuck yourself in front of them for all you care?

They sigh. They do pity you. So, so much.

They pull out the usual spiel about how it was a tragic accident, about options for treatment, how they're so fucking sorry.

You drive home in tears, in rage. Why would they close it…how dare they close it?!

You watch every news report, read everything you’ve collected again.

You remember how the police did nothing.

You remember how hard everyone cried, how hard you cried.

You remember how you visited their graves every night until you couldn’t take it.

You remember how it was attributed to a political assassination attempt.

You remember how you reacted when you saw the person they caught.

How…wrong it seemed.

Like they were telling the truth, but not the full truth.

You get an idea.

A very, very long idea.

And yet…

You go to Bernie. Cool, sweet Bernie. Bernie, the teenage drug dealer and budding gang member that you helped become a happily married successful teacher.

Back when you thought you could solve every problem with just kind words and a smile.

You ask Bernie for access to the black market.

Bernie tries to get through to you.

You’re too angry. You beg. You play tough…then you break down and plead.

You explain.

Bernie understands.

You wait.

Bernie works.

In days, you get access to the dark web. To darker networks.

What you find turns everything you thought about the world upside down.

An entire John Wick-level network - system - world of criminals, all within reach.

You get your own account on a literal website with an agency of professional criminals.

You feel like ripping your heart out every time you see something new.

One contact catches your eye.

The Twins. Lemon and Tangerine.

One of them is…that fucking…

British-born, apparently brothers, notorious in the business for two jobs.

The most recent is a job in Bolivia where they wiped out an entire camp of guerrillas leaving behind a Saving Private Ryan zone.

Absolute psychopaths.

The second is far more alarming. Shockingly minimal details compared to the outright trophies that some of the other assassins displayed in their attempts to promote themselves - and professional criminals wouldn’t exactly be known for asking questions and talking much, would they? But it paid 10 million, more than any other job you’ve seen on the site, and by this time, you’ve looked through dozens of criminals, and it involved a Minnesotan politician.

Holy shit.

I’m gonna get you like I should’ve a long time—

Everything afterwards is a blur.

You place a job offer for a snatch-and-grab in St. Paul, where you live. It’s meant to be a distraction, you don’t care about whatever’s in the politician’s suitcase, you want to follow whatever asshole picks up on you.

Within hours, it gets answered. By an incredibly smug looking mercenary called Carver who’s a dick. But he is clearly an experienced assassin.

You managed to sneak up and witness how he does things. How he leaves no trace. How he covers his bases. You weren’t worried about witnesses or innocents, you drilled it into his head that she wanted no lethal force, or no payment. You couldn’t help but smirk when you were able to annoy him instead of the other way around for once.

You pay him, and you browse your account for jobs. You see a recently taken hit job in New York City.

You announce that you are taking a long hiatus, a retreat for your mental health.

You are greeted with the expected joy and relief that you are finally going to get better.

You find yourself smiling too, as you’ll both bring and be brought to justice.

You gather all the money left to you in the wills, in your bank account, everything. Money never quite mattered to you beyond sustenance, and nowadays it mattered much less. You pack up things that will help you survive, but never live.

You don’t expect to come back home. You are completely fine with that.

You book the nearest flight to NYC, and remember the vacation you took with your kids. You can’t help but remember all the photos you took and the sights you saw and the sounds of excitement and wonder you heard.

You cry yourself to sleep on the plane and wake up when you land.

When you do, you log onto the website.

You were related to and worked with computer science professionals. Over the last few years you learned all you could.

Now that Bernie and everyone else is truly safe, you take a deep breath and hack away.

You find the address of a meeting point.

You go.

It’s absolute chaos.

A shootout. Blood. The coldest, most inhumane expressions you’ve ever seen on the human face.

You keep yourself from breaking, from lashing out, from yelling at them to take you too.

You force yourself to study everything, pay attention to everything.

At the end, there are 23 dead bodies.

You follow the survivors.

You find yourself in the midst of an ongoing gang war and criminals off the agency are actively being hired.

You keep track of it all, add to your notes, your research.

You follow every job you can, learn what you can, budget your money so you can remain efficient. Eventually you get good at some things too. You start to rob and pickpocket, doing so only on the most decadent and unassuming. You notice which points of the body are most sensitive. You learn how to chamber a round. You work out how to be the right balance between threatening and restrained. You teach yourself some moves, which you practice on any creepy stalker.

But you never take a job. You never take a life. You don’t even get a gun.

Despite everything you see…you just can’t.

Because when you see all these people, you see the ones you hurt.

You see how much they loved you, how much they trusted you.

You remember how Kit-Kat thought you were her Wonder Woman.

How they saw you as a hero.

They may be gone…but this is the best you can do to keep them alive.

Months pass. Then years. You've learned enough to be a knowledge broker if you wanted.

You come home when you can, concocting an elaborate lie of how you're traveling the world for writing inspiration, making a fair fortune out of freelance and fiction under pen names. Like a super spy, you enthuse.

That was what Isabelle's dream was.

You’re walking in London. You come across the Twins’ flat, in a neighborhood far too nice for the likes of them.

Scouting them for years, you found yourself feeling jealous of how close they are. You were loved and you did have a wonderful family, but as an only child, you were always curious what having a sibling would be like.

Of course, they were assassins. They would never know what actual love was like, and whatever dynamic they had going on, it was in no way healthy or something to look up to. That was clear from the very start, and you barely refrained from scoffing every time they showed "affection" for each other.

There was absolutely no way whatsoever that anything positive could come out of these people.

Spending years researching bullshit in the name of a sweet, sweet level of justice no motherfucker in this excuse of a line of work could even begin to comprehend left you with a very low tolerance for it.

You listen through the hidden recording devices you have set up.

You learn they are soon on a job involving the son of the White Death, the most powerful crime boss on the planet, and a briefcase with 10 million dollars. You pause.

You remember research you did on a recent transaction between a group of Russian operatives and a Yakuza member.

And that a job offer you hacked into involving a similar briefcase and said Son was in fact not taken by the Twins, but the Hornet, an American who specialized in poisons and almost always did kill jobs.

There were multiple assassins hired for jobs on this train.

You chuckle mirthlessly. Unlucky bastards.

It was going to go wrong. So, so wrong.

And that was what made it perfect. You had spent years waiting for the opportune moment to strike. To dish out karma. To let your pain out and end on a high.

You had found your moment.

You find the exact Nippon Speed Line they’re all booked for, and get yourself a ticket. To your surprise, the train is almost fully booked.

Oh, well. You can be surprising, too.

I’m coming for you, my loves…

#fanfic #bullet train #tangerine bullet train #lemon #ladybug #the wolf #oc #female oc #the son bullet train #the prince bullet train #the hornet

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