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herohotline · 4 years

Note

bing bong! hewwo! would like to request for a prohero!deku meeting with his ex lover who he left to pursue his dream of becoming the #1 hero and finding out that she has a child that was actually his. everything else is up to your creative mind! hope it's not too much, thank you! 💜❣️

A/N: i love these kinds of requests!! im a sucker for kids and pregnancy requests, especially ones with reunions. Thank you for indulging me

Reader has a slight Teleportation quirk as well; it’s noted once or twice in the story.

(You’ll get why this gif was perfect to use when you read the story lmao)

Word Count: 2,300+

No Longer a Coward (Izuku/You)

There’s a lot of aspects to becoming a hero that Izuku hadn’t realized- none of his classes really warned him about how his privacy was practically zero to none, a two hundred pound weight of stress followed him by the ankles every day, and that a love life was practically impossible.

Izuku wasn’t exactly yearning for a partner, but he wouldn’t lie- he missed it. He doesn’t casually date, either, so finding someone was harder than usual even if he wasn’t a hero. Once upon a time, he met you- a wonderful person who made him feel warm and happy and made him laugh. But the timing wasn’t right, the stress was unbearable, and he couldn’t commit- so things ended between the two of you after dating for around a year and a half.

The pro-hero still thought about you even though he hadn’t seen you for over three years. Of course, Izuku was heart-broken by your decision to move away after your break up, but he could understand. It didn’t make it easier, suddenly being torn away from a person he still genuinely cared for, but he understood.

Maybe one day you’ll come back, Izuku thinks. Maybe you’ll come back and both of you can be friends again, maybe even something more. The past few years have taught Izuku a lot, and he thinks that maybe he’s past his self-doubt and immaturity- maybe next time, if you’d want to, he can actually take care of you.

But this is just a lot of maybes and what if’s. What the hero should do is call your number and actually initiate a conversation.

He’s fought a lot of villains, he’s had several close calls with death, but he can’t pick up the phone and call you… Izuku scoffs.

Even after all this time, he’s still a coward, isn’t he?

— *** —

You think about calling Izuku a lot, but you can never manage to do it. Truly, you feel like scum- an awful coward.

You never meant to hide this from him- you didn’t figure out you were pregnant until after your big move, and at that point, you were still heartbroken. Just thinking about seeing Izuku made your eyes well up, so you convinced yourself that once you gave birth you’d find the courage to tell him everything.

Three years have passed.

Your daughter is a healthy ball of energy, her hair just like his in color and obnoxious wavy ends. Her eyes sparkle just like his, too. You won’t lie- the fact that she resembles her father so much stings sometimes. But it doesn’t hurt as much as knowing that you’re forcing her to have a life with only one parent.

She should have a father- she deserves it. She doesn’t deserve your cowardly behavior, so after a lot of thought and an impulsive streak, you pack up to go on a day trip back to Musutafu.

Yui, your daughter, doesn’t know why you’re going to the big city, but she’s very excited. She’s only three, but her passion is strong and she can’t wait to meet all the big pro-heroes!

Just like her dad.

You hold Yui’s hand as you walk through the familiar city, pointing out anything that might interest her (which is basically everything). You plan on staying in Musutafu for a few days, so meeting up with Izuku wasn’t planned just yet. Instead, you want to make some good memories with your daughter before her life changes before her very eyes.

You take her everywhere you can. A fancy ice cream parlor, a hero museum, a huge children’s park. Yui is beaming, smiling ear to ear the entire time.

Everything has gone relatively well, which you’re pleasantly surprised at. At least, it was going well-

Until you run into pro-hero Shoto. Or, as you know him- Todoroki.

Yui is the one that spots him, her whole body practically vibrating as she points at him eagerly. He’s exiting a grocery, two plastic bags in his hands.

“Mommy, mommy it’s Shoto!”

At the sound of his name, you watch in silent horror as Todoroki’s head turns and spots the two of you. He sees the little girl first, his brows furrowing, and then he looks up at you-

You’d call yourself lucky to ever see such an animated expression on his face, but unfortunately for you, it’s kind of bad news.

“You’re right, it’s the hero Shoto! Would you like to say hi?” You enunciate the ‘hero’ part, hoping that your old friend will take the hint. He slowly approaches you both, still looking quite confused, but he switches it off so he can greet your daughter properly.

“Hello, little miss,” Todoroki smiles, reaching a hand out. She happily shakes it.

“I see you on TV!”

“You do? That’s very cool.”

“Yeah! You kick butt.”

He actually laughs, a quiet and soft laugh, and you’re glad that he’s not offended by her blunt behavior. It’s that moment his phone rings and he excuses himself with an apology, looking at the screen.

“Well, since Shoto’s busy, we should probably leave, honey,” God get me out of here.

“You don’t have to go, you know who it is,” he looks up at you with an upright eyebrow, showing you the screen. “It’s pro-hero Deku.”

Your face pales. “Todoroki, don’t-“

“Wow, really?!” Yui shouts, getting several looks from passerby’s. The icy-hot user smiles again as he accepts the call.

“Hey, Deku. Guess who I’m talking to.”

You finally let go of Yui’s hand, lunging forward to grasp Todoroki’s wrist. You look at him desperately, whispering. “Please don’t. I’m here so I can tell him. Don’t make it happen like this, Shoto.”

“…An old friend. I’ll put them on.”

He hands you the phone with a tired look in his eye. “Then make it happen,” he wordlessly mouths to you before heading over to your daughter to give you at least an inkling of privacy.

God, when did Todoroki turn into such a meddlemaker?

“-llo? Hello? Shoto, this is weird,” you finally lift the phone to your ear. Your heart skips several times at the sound of his voice- oh God, this is happening.

“Hi, Izuku,” you bite your lip hard. There’s silence on the other end before you hear a rumbling sound and an ‘oof!’ Did he just fall?

“___?” He asks.

“…Yeah, it’s me. I’m, um… visiting the city and I kind of ran into Todoroki. He just shoved the phone in my hands.”

“Sounds like him,” Izuku sighs and you laugh.

“Not to me! He’s changed a lot.” There’s another silence as you shift your feet anxiously. “Well… okay, listen. I’m actually here in Musutafu because I really need to talk to you about something. Could- do you have time to meet up with me tomorrow?”

“Oh. Uh- well- yeah, of course. What’s… what do you need to talk about?”

Good to know that his voice still goes high pitched when he’s nervous. You smile without thinking about it, watching Shoto pick up Yui and point towards something or other.

“I can’t tell you over the phone. Could we meet at the park, the one next to your old house that you went to as a kid?” You had been meaning to show Yui that area.

“Alright, that’s great! And, um… I’m really glad you’re back, ___.” You hear him sigh on the other end. “I’ll see you then. I hope you’re okay.”

“I’m fine, Izuku. I’ll see you tomorrow- and I’ll give you back to Shoto now since you called him in the first place.” You barely hear what Izuku says, the phone already away from your face as you walk towards Shoto. You gesture for him to take it with a mildly unimpressed look on your face.

Yeah, his stunt might have worked, but it was still a dick move.

“Okay, I have to go now,” Shoto lets your daughter down and pats her head. “Thank you for telling me about so many animals.”

“You’re welcome!” Yui puffs out her chest, quickly walking back to you and taking your hand. You smile down at her- but freeze up again when you hear Shoto.

“Who was that? Oh…” As if it wasn’t a big deal, he throws you a thumbs up. “A kid wanted to get an autograph.” Nice.

The two of you silently wave, walking in your separate directions. Yui talks animatedly about her time with Shoto while you were on the phone, but you can’t do anything more than nod and smile along.

This is it, you think. I’m going to tell him. He’s going to know. It’s all that’s on your mind as you check in the hotel you reserved a room for and unpack your clothes.

My life is about to drastically change.

—

You let Yui play on the swings and jungle gym as you wait for Izuku to arrive. Your foot anxiously taps on the concrete as you sit on a nearby bench, your fingers scratching at your wrists and teeth tugging your lip. You’re a few steps away from being a complete wreck- it doesn’t help that you couldn’t sleep at all last night.

How does one go about this? Hey, Izuku, it’s been three years since our break up and hey, have you ever wanted kids? Well, surprise!

You deflate in your seat. Yeah, right. As if you could be blunt like that.

At least the park is mildly empty- you’re a little worried about meeting the top hero in a public setting, especially when you’re having him meet his daughter. Uh-oh. Your face pales- what if someone saw? What if news got out?

Suddenly you realize that this may have not been a great idea.

But apparently, you’re stuck with your bad decisions- right as you’re about to call Izuku to change plans, you hear your name from behind you. You immediately stand up, looking back and meeting eyes with the man you haven’t seen face to face in so long.

“Izuku,” you try not to smile- really- but you can’t help it. He’s just as handsome as he is on TV, but actually standing near him you can see all the tiny details that a camera just can’t bring to life.

The happiness in his eyes is something you can’t replace. He smiles back, taking the few steps he needs to meet you and bring you into an embrace.

“___,” Izuku sighs, “I’m so glad to see you.”

You hug him back, your hands gripping his shirt. You half expected him to wear his Hero Suit since it’s all you’ve seen him in recently because of the news- you’re glad he didn’t. In your opinion, Izuku looks much better wearing casual clothes.

“I’m glad to see you too, Izuku,” you break the hug and sit back down on the bench, urging him to sit beside you. More than anything, you’d like to take your time and get to know him again, but you know that your daughter will only be distracted by the park for so long. “Okay, so, I just… need to tell you this right away. Rip off the bandaid, you know?” Your hands return to your lap, anxiously wringing as you look at him. “But I- I want you to know that… I didn’t mean to hide anything from you. I would never hide something from you on purpose.”

“What?” Izuku’s face falls as his eyebrows furrow. “What- what did you hide?” He really didn’t know where this was headed.

You take a big breath. Guilt and anxiety rushes to you in waves but you try to push it back. You need to do this. “Listen, Izuku, I… when I left-“

“Mommy!”

Your daughter’s scream cuts you off and your head snaps toward the sound, eyes wide. You want to curse- you knew your daughter liked to climb things, but the swing set? How did she do that?

It doesn’t matter- she’s falling, that’s what matters. You quickly use your quirk and teleport to the swings, swiftly catching Yui before she fell on the bark chips. “Yui!” You place her down on the ground. “What did I tell you about climbing things? You can’t always rely on me to catch you- you could get hurt!”

“I’m sorry,” she whispers. She’s obviously upset and you’re a sucker- you take her into your arms again and kiss her head.

“Just be careful, honey.” You carefully pick her up, holding her by her bottom as you stand. “I have someone I want you to meet, okay? Will you be a good girl for me?”

Yui looks confused, but she nods and you smile at her in reassurance. You walk back to the bench where Izuku was now standing at- his eyes wide in disbelief as he stared down at your daughter.

His daughter.

“Yui, this is Izuku. He’s, um…” You hesitate- do you tell her the truth? Does he even want to be a part of her life?

Izuku picks up from where you left off. “I’m- I’m your dad.” He looks up at you before quickly looking back to Yui, holding a hand out for her to grab. “Is… that okay?” You hide your face in your daughter’s chest with a silent laugh, tearing up quietly. You feel her tiny body move and watch as her little fingers grab Izuku’s own.

“You’re daddy?” Yui looks back up to you, still holding Izuku’s hand. “Is he?”

“Yes, Yui,” you sniff and readjust her in your arms, trying to wiggle a hand free so you can wipe some of your tears. She leans forward to whisper in your ear and you grin happily as you nod. “Yeah, okay. Izuku, would you…” you step a little closer to him. “Would you want to give her a hug?”

“YEAH,” Izuku bursts, frantically nodding his head and reaching out to wrap his arms around Yui who wiggles from your arms to his. You take a step back as you look at them. It’s so weird, honestly, seeing this perfect picture of Izuku sobbing with your daughter wrapped around him, looking so, so happy- it’s a picture that you only imagined up until now.

And now it’s finally real, and you feel like you can breathe.

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foolishlovebugbaby · 4 years

Text

ten-thousand miles gone

prologue

summary: they say time heals all wounds, but the one left by han jisung on your heart is one that you still treat tenderly. alternatively; han jisung reappears into your life like a whirlwind, knocking you off of your feet, after leaving you without a goodbye.

genre: angst

warnings: nothing triggering or rated

word count: 6k

note: in my head, the mind map of the way this particular fic ended went in so many directions, but this was very draining to write so i settled on the one that wouldn’t leave you hanging.

been travelling these wide roads for so long my heart’s been far from you ten-thousand miles gone

In your younger years, life had always seemed to move gradually. Time seemed to be muffled by all the firsts and seconds that came and went like waves, distracting everyone from the reality of growing pains. But college certainly ripped off that bandaid, a cushion no longer supporting your fall into the harsh realities of life.

Second semester of sophomore year had just ended, so now every college student across the country was making a beeline for the airports and bus stations, with tickets home clasped tightly between hands that were potentially developing carpal tunnel syndrome. Luckily for you, home was two train rides and a taxicab away. But like all your independent adventures of navigating life unhinged, no journey would be complete without twenty-something voicemails from your mother telling you to padlock your luggage and some vague, superstitious advice she read on Facebook.

[To ma: yes, i didnt forget to pack your scarf and no, im not going to drink ginger and ginseng to ward off bad train spirits.]

[From ma: thank you. suit yourself , you will be bad spirit magnet !]

You chuckle and shove your phone into your pocket, hailing a cab with one hand while the other slings an abnormally large duffle bag over your shoulder. “North-Hill train station please.” You say to the cab driver and shove your luggage into the seat next to you.

You let out a tired sigh and slump into the pleather seats. Butterflies swarmed your stomach- you always seemed to get them whenever you went back home. Back to the place of some of your greatest and worst memories. Somehow, through the years, the fear of seeing him again in that godforsaken town died down, because the thought of ever being able to see him again at all proved itself to be almost impossible.

Even a fool knows this, you’re the best thing I’ve got…

You almost choke on your spit when that song comes on the radio. Of course that song had to come on so conveniently in the middle of your trip down melancholy lane. You have half a mind to reach over and turn the radio off, but decide against it when you see the cute old man bobbing his head to it.

So instead your mind traces its steps back a few moments until all you’re reminded of is him.

In your head you remember all these great experiences- graduation day, senior prom, camp nights during wintertime and summer carnivals down at the boardwalk. But then your mind tortures you and conjures up these images of what it would’ve been like to have experienced it all with him next to you and suddenly the memories become less fond. It’s treacherous, really, being your own worst enemy. But you learnt the hard way that time slows down for no one.

When you get to the train station, you move in a daze. The muscle memory of validating your ticket and walking to the platform does all the work for you. And usually that would be a good thing, except now it only allowed you to stay in your head a lot more. It’s funny, really, how everytime you see posters and billboards of his group around you don’t flinch. Not anymore at least. Because you don’t know him anymore, and he’s probably forgotten about you.

Sometimes, you’re convinced he was just a character that your very active imagination conjured up to fill gaps in your life with meaning. But every time you open a picture of the pair of you way back when, you’re met with the reality that he was real. Even if it was just for a short amount of time, he was visible to you. Tangible. And meant galaxies to you.

[From mama han: cant wait 2 see u back again ! have dinner with us soon xoxo]

You smile fondly down at your phone once you’re situated in your seat, typing out a reply to the woman you consider a second mom.

You thanked the universe for still keeping her in your life. Sure, her son would probably be known to you as the biggest jackass to exist for eternity, but she would remain sweet and tender in your heart for longer than that.

[To mama han: can’t wait to see you too:)]

You don’t confirm your spot at their dinner table, because frankly speaking, the last time you stepped foot in their house was the summer before university when you went to drop off a box of jisung’s things that you found in your room- sweatshirts, t-shirt’s, notes and other miscellaneous items that demanded you remember every miniscule moment spent with him. And since then you’ve found every excuse not to go near that place. You knew it probably hurt the woman whenever you conjured up some arbitrary excuse to not dig in to her incredible cooking, but the finger is to be pointed at Han Jisung and Han Jisung only. Screw him.

She sometimes tries to address the elephant in the room whenever you do get to talk during her visits at your childhood home. Like It would be great to have you both visit at the same time or Would you like me to call him? I’m sure he’s not busy right now. Yeah, subtle as a gun, but you love her still.

You’re not one to believe in luck, and if you did you’d actually quite fancy yourself as the most unluckiest person of them all, but you thank the heavens that he’s never been back home the same time as you have. Either that, or you’re just way too good at being further than a 10-mile radius from him. Like last semester break, when you got word from one of your childhood friends that he would be in town so you decided to cancel all your plans of going back home under the guise of going on a group excursion somewhere up north. Obviously, all you did was stay in your dorm and binge watch Gossip Girl for three weeks, but you concluded that anything would be better than having to confront your demons- or demon. Singular.

What would you even say if you saw him? Realistically, not that much. Ideally, you’d destroy him with words. All that pent up anger for him leaving you behind and all the unresolved feelings left to concentrate in an urn you buried deep in yourself exploding like Pandora's box right before him. 5 years passed, and yet you still found it difficult to imagine what a conversation would be like with him again.

Honestly, you’d tell him to stay a while longer, just so that he’d remain vivid in your memories once he decided to leave again.

When the taxi cab pulled up in front of your childhood home, you were half asleep and in desperate need of a solid meal. “Thanks, keep the change,” you say groggily as you pass the money to the driver.

You take a deep breath once you’re out of the car, your duffle bag slung around your frame. It’s been a very long time since you were last here. The months seemed to pile up without you noticing, and now that you think about it, it had been a good whole year that passed. You don’t know where the time went, but you were definitely here now.

You trudge up to the door, ringing the bell once. “Hey ma,” You say as she squeals and pulls you in for a hug. “I’m glad you’re back in one piece, especially since you ignored my advice.” She says pointedly and ushers you in. “Yeah, well, I guess the train spirits didn’t feel like victimising me today.” She looks at you with her mouth hung open and slaps your arm.

“Don’t say that!” She’s about to scold you more when your dad enters the living room in his pajama pants. “My daughter finally decides to show her face around here! Send in the doves!” You always knew that you got your flare for drama from your dad.

“How are you doing sweetie, we missed you.” He gives you a big bear hug and you sigh. “I know, it’s been too long.”

“There is not enough time in this world to mope around! Now, darling, it’s very late so your father and I are off to bed. There’s some leftovers for you in the toaster oven in case you get hungry,” They both smother you in a hug and you almost suffocate. “We’d love to hear all about your university in the morning. Sleep tight honey.”

And so you’re left to your own devices. Again. Sighing, you reluctantly head up the stairs and make your way into your old room. A smile finds its place on your lips.

The room is oddly clean- you figured your mother must have emotionally cleaned in here (more than once) during your time away from home. But the walls are still the same ugly navy blue, and your star-print curtains remained planted in front of your windows with planet decorations all over the ceiling to match. Funny. He helped you decorate. Said it made your room feel like the universe was just the two of you.

You didn’t know that what he really meant was that you were his safe place.

You spend a good thirty-minutes unpacking, tinkering around your old room and texting your friends about your trip home. It feels like an eternity passed when you finally decide to listen to your growling stomach and go get something to eat. But you’re picky and nothing in your kitchen seems to entice you enough to devour it, so you swipe your house keys off the kitchen countertop and head to your door. 7-Eleven it is. You’re dressed in a pair of leggings and a pink sweater with fluffy slides to match, but you could care less.

As you walk out of your driveway and head down your street, you pass by his house. The lights are off (of course, since it’s an ungodly 1AM) and it practically looked like a dollhouse.

You turn your gaze away.

The walk to the local 7-Eleven is only 5 Hozier tracks away, so you reach there in no time. Your tummy growls when you enter, and you immediately head to the instant section. Hmm, ramen, tteokbokki or pasta, choices choices choices…

You’re too busy pondering to notice the figure clad in sweats and a baseball cap standing frozen at the end of the aisle, gaping like a fish your way. He practically isn’t breathing, but your presence had knocked the wind right out of his chest.

“Y-Y/n?” He manages to breathe out, and you look around, confused. Did someone just say my name?

Your eyes slowly turn to his figure, and you can barely see who it is from afar. Tan skin can be seen from the collar under his hoodie, and dirty-blonde hair peeks out at the ends of his baseball cap. You feel like you’re seeing things, because you know that baseball cap. You bought it.

Slowly, your eyes trail over his face, and you feel the air leave your lungs.

Jisung still remembers the last time he saw you. Well, the last time he saw you before he didn’t say goodbye.

It was a Thursday afternoon, History class had just ended. On the way out, he caught a glimpse of you. He hadn’t seen much of you the entire week, but that was because he was actively trying to avoid you. But there you were, at your locker putting away your books with that puppy-dog expression you always wore whenever you were tired and in need of a good nap. He stood for a few moments, taking you in. Even if your hair was messily up in a bun with a hoodie two sizes too big drowning your frame, he still thought you looked like an absolute dream. He wanted to go up to you and ask you how was calculus? And when you pout and say boring, he would suggest you come over for some hot chocolate and a movie. And you would say yes, with a sleepy, lopsided smile, and his body would feel all warm and fuzzy at the sight of you.

But he doesn’t do any of that. Instead, he leaves his heart by the lockers, and with one last look, he walks away. His jacket does nothing to warm the cold that creeps its way up.

Had he known he wouldn’t get to see you one last time after that, he would’ve watched you for a few seconds longer. Had he known that you would fall sick and stay home from school the day before his flight, he would have told you to take better care of yourself. And had he known that the last time he’d see you would be when you’re drained and tired and down, he would have gone up to you to make you smile, one last time.

He never stopped recreating pictures of you in his head, fearing the outlines of you would fade.

Except now, as you stand a mere six feet away, he feels as though you stepped out of his mind and into his world once again. He can see you. You’re there.

None of the pictures of you that he drew up in his head would ever compare to the way you looked right then. Beautiful, just as he remembered you.

Your name feels like a foreign language when it leaves his lips.

The air is so thick between the pair of you that it makes everything around him slow down. He sees your eyes move from confusion, to shock, to utter fear and bewilderment, and then to pain. It feels as though a knife impaled his heart when he sees your eyes quiver.

He always loved your eyes. Dark brown, like freshly turned over earth, warmed by the sun. They look at him with sorrow now.

Your arms drop to your sides and your lips quake, “J-Jisung?” God, he forgot what it was like to hear his name in your voice. He hates that it’s said with so much heartache.

You run out without thinking twice.

“Stop, slow down! W-wait!” You hear his voice call out for you, but you continue to run- where? You don’t know. You just wanted to get away. Your feet take you far down the sidewalk, lamp-posts your only source of light at this time of night.

But you’re not fast enough, and for the first time in a long time, you feel his grip on your arm.

“Let go of me,” You say, your voice already breaking. He breaks with it.

“Y/N listen-” He pants out.

“No, let go of me!” You snatch your arm away from his grip. God, you’re furious. And hurt. And every other emotion there is to feel when you see the person who left you with nothing.

Your raised voice startles the two of you, and you both stand there for a moment, breathless. From running, from shock.

He doesn’t say anything and just gapes at you, “Well?” You provoke pointedly. “What? Cat got your tongue?”

“No ‘Hey y/n! How’ve you been? Long time no see since, you know, I abandoned you’.” You say harshly and the knife in his heart twists.

“I know you’re hurt-” You cut him off.

“Hurt? Hurt? Hurt doesn’t even come close to what I feel, Jisung.” All the words you want to spew get caught in the back of your throat and you fight yourself to keep it together because you don’t want him to see you cry. You don’t want him to catch you vulnerable and raw, because you don’t know if you can trust him with that part of you again.

“Can we please just- can we please just talk?” He begs, and you scoff. “Please?” His eyes plead with you, and you frustratedly run a hand through your hair.

“So talk.” You cross your arms over your chest and look at anywhere but him. He doesn’t say anything, and each time he tries to, all he does is end up biting his tongue. Where does he even begin?

“I’m sorry,” He croaks out, even though it’s the worst thing to say.

“Great. All is forgiven.” You’re ruthless, but that’s only because he didn’t show any mercy when he left.

He searches your eyes, not knowing what he could say to make things right. Or if that was even a possibility anymore. You both stand in silence for a while, and slowly your resolve breaks away.

“Why?” You say, your voice coarse and exhausted. “Why’d you do it? I tortured myself for months- no, years asking myself what I did wrong that caused you to leave me like that. What- was it something I said? Something I did? Please- tell me, I’m begging you,” You’re full-on sobbing now, tears flowing down your face like waves. They twinkle in the warm streetlights and he feels the ground beneath him crumble. The wound he left on your heart was ripped open again, and you couldn’t help but bleed in front of him. “P-please, Jisung. It’s been killing me for so long.”

Tears leave his eyes, “It wasn’t your fault,” He says softly.

“Then what was it? Because for all this time I broke myself down, questioning why you left like that. For so long I thought you were mad at me- I thought you became tired of me, bored of having me around. Do you know what that’s like? Tearing yourself apart to find answers you know you can’t answer by yourself?” “Shit, I thought you didn’t need me anymore. Which sucked, because I needed you.” You whisper through ragged breaths and he takes careful steps closer to you.

“Of course I still needed you- I haven’t stopped needing you, y/n.” His voice is as broken as yours.

“Then why?” Your voice is barely above a whisper and you struggle so hard to not fall to the ground.

“Do you know what it felt like to wake up one morning, clueless and thinking everything was fine, and then finding out that it was, in fact, not? Do you know what it was like to find out the person you cared for the most up and left you alone and with no explanation- not even a single goodbye? To be desperate to hear his voice again, and wonder to yourself why it was so easy for him to cut you off like that?” He stood right in front of you, so close that he could touch you.

“I searched for you. I still looked for you in the hallways at school, hoping it was just one of your stupid pranks. I waited in my room for you to climb up to my window again and whisk me away to the park for one of our late-night walks. I called your phone for days, just in case you’d finally get annoyed and pick up. You never did. You never did,” You didn’t notice that your face was in his hands and that he tried so desperately to wipe your tears away, his own streaming down his face.

He sucked in a breath, “I left like that because I knew that I wouldn’t be able to get on that plane with you watching. That I would drop everything, all my stupid dreams, to stay in this stupid town for god knows how long with you. Leaving you was the most painful part,”

“That day I found out I passed the audition- do you remember? You were so happy for me, more happy than I was. The only thing on my mind was the fact that I had to leave everything behind to chase after this dream- to chase after a dream that came true because of you. I wasn’t sure anymore. But you were so sure of me, so ready to see me attain everything we talked about, that the thought of all of that being in vain because of my cowardice ate me up inside. I thought that maybe if I could keep you at a distance- make you mad at me for ignoring you, have you hate me- that it would make it a little easier to let you go of me,” Your lips quiver.

“It wasn’t easy-”

“I know, I know that.” He rests his forehead against yours and squeezes his eyes shut as he hears your soft sobs. “It was so that I wouldn’t have a memory of leaving you behind in an airport. I wasn’t ready to have that image in my mind haunt me. I’ve regretted it everyday. You have to believe me when I say that.”

“Then why didn’t you call back? Or even send a message?” Your eyes search his for answers as you pull your forehead away from his to get a clearer look.

“I thought you hated me. That you didn’t want anything to do with me anymore.”

“Bullshit. You thought wrong.” Angrily, you push at his chest with closed fists and shut eyes, “You thought wrong,” You push him away until you’re no longer in his grip. “Let me go,” You whimper when he tries to reach for you again. “That doesn’t justify why you left me like that. I felt like I meant nothing to you for so long. You threw me away like I didn’t mean anything- made me feel like I was insignificant.”

“You meant everything to me!” He shouts out, shocking you into silence. “Don’t you see it?” When you only stare at him in confusion, he sucks in a breath.

“The mere thought of leaving you was enough for me to think twice. Sitting with you in French class and giggling because we didn’t understand a word, spending so many nights with you in your ridiculous dinosaur onesie, getting to walk around aimlessly until 4am in this godforsaken town as if time wasn’t fleeting- I-,” He runs a hand over his face, frustratedly wiping his tears away. “I wasn’t ready for it to be over. I didn’t want to miss graduation, the day we looked forward to since grade school. I didn’t want to facetime you on prom night while you look so goddamn beautiful, knowing that someone else would be getting to slow dance with you. Knowing that I wouldn’t be there, that I would be missing out- that I would be missing you every goddamn day made me realise I wouldn’t be able to last without you.”

“Selfishly ripping you apart from me felt like the only option. And it was so cruel, I know that. I’m the selfish asshole,” He takes exactly five steps to stand in front of you, and places a hand tenderly on your cheek.

“I was selfish because I knew I couldn’t have you. I was in love with you, y/n. So fucking in love and you didn’t even know. And after all this time, I still am.” He says that last sentence in a whisper, and before you know it, his lips are on yours.

His mouth is so warm against yours, so tender, and yet they set your skin on fire.

You pull away and take two steps back.

“Y-you don’t get to kiss m-me like that, not again,” You say breathless. You’re reminded of sophomore year, and the kiss in his living room that made you feel weightless and lightheaded.

“Y/n-”

“I think we’ve talked enough for tonight,” Your heart hammers in your chest and the blood rushes to your face so fast that you swear you’re shivering. His eyes are illuminated by the streetlamps and you see them break right before you, defeated. Yours are no different.

You walk away, choking back sobs.

He doesn’t try to stop you.

It’s 4PM when you decide to get out of bed.

Your eyes are practically closed shut from your lack of sleep and you don’t bother to brush your hair, or undrape the blanket around your shoulders when you head downstairs. Your parents are sitting in the living room, oblivious and unassuming, but when they see you they almost go into cardiac arrest.

“What’s wrong?” Your mother asks tentatively, extremely unsure as to why her daughter looked so abnormally disheveled. “Did you know he was going to be back in town?” You croak out, and she sighs.

“So you saw him.” She states, and your dad pretends to read the newspaper.

“Why didn’t you tell me ma, you know what happened-”

“Exactly; everyone knows what happened, and everyone knows how ruined you’ve both been because of it. But nothing’s going to change if you keep sweeping it under the rug. Honey, I know you’re hurting,” She rests a hand on your cheek and you close your eyes at the feeling. “But this is your chance to get closure.”

“What if I don’t want it anymore?”

“Oh that’s a load of cow dung. Look at you; you’re a mess.” Gee, thanks mom.

She bites her lip and pauses for a second, “What if I told you that during your first year in college, the very first semester you were away, he came back? It was the autumn before things took off for him, and he showed up in town looking for you everywhere, not knowing you had left. I felt so bad, but you’re my daughter, and my first instinct was to protect you because I knew that for the first time in a long time, you were enjoying yourself. So I didn’t give him your new number, said your phone was broken, and he was absolutely heartbroken. I regret it slightly, but maybe this time you both can stop being constantly out of step.”

Your mouth hung agape and your head spun. He looked for me?

“Don’t leave things like this, you need each other.” She gives you a squeeze, and you sigh.

She was right. Years passed with so many things left unsaid, so much time gone. And as much as you hated to admit it, you were never going to get that time back. It would kill you knowing that you didn’t take the chance to fix things. You were already broken down to your bones, what’s left to chip away?

You uncoil yourself from your blanket and fling it onto the couch, groaning when you realise you’re going to have to face him again. The events that had elapsed last night were still hard to wrap your mind around, and you found yourself wondering if it ever did happen. You could already feel your heart pound at the thought of it. His words float in your mind ceaselessly; so much so that when you step out of your house, you almost miss the slumped figure on your sidewalk.

He gets up at the sound of your door closing.

His hair was messy, pointing every which way, and the same clothes from earlier were now wrinkled and crimped. His eyes devastated you. They looked worn down and exhausted, much like yours did.

“Walk with me?” He breathes out, and you nod.

Seeing him in daylight is different. As you two walk, you become increasingly aware of exactly how much he’s grown. He used to be only a few centimeters taller than you, but now you only reach his chin. Barely. But his skin is the same golden tan and his cheeks remained full. You’re close enough that you can smell his scent- a scent you didn’t know you missed until now. But in retrospect, you just missed him.

You both reach the small park in the middle of your neighborhood, and you find yourselves under the big oak tree that he had deemed our spot all those years ago. You look up into his eyes, and for a moment you remember what it’s like to feel home again.

“Do you remember the first time we found this place? You were always so terrible at hide and seek.”

You find yourself smiling at the memory. He hid from you, behind this very tree, for so long that it had felt like you spent hours searching for him. When you finally did find him, you were angry and upset with him with red cheeks to match.

“That’s only because you were always so good at hiding from me,” There’s ambiguity that you didn’t intend in that statement, which brings you both back to silence.

After a while, you gather the courage to speak again. “So about that kiss-” He winces and scratches the back of his neck.

“I’m sorry for catching you off-guard like that last night-”

“I’m talking about the one on your birthday, sophomore year.” His lips squeeze into a tight line and his round eyes stare at you dumbfoundedly.

“I-I always thought you never remembered that. You never brought it up, so I thought that it was just a mistake.” You fiddle with your fingers and gnaw at your bottom lip, feeling the heat creep to the back of your neck.

“Y/n, it was never a mistake. I wanted to kiss you- and I did- because I was sick of being confused about my feelings for you.” You look back up at him, “I didn’t bring it up because I was too scared of scaring you away with it all.”

“Well you should’ve, so that I wouldn’t be so confused either.” His expression changes, and you didn’t think it was possible, but it becomes even more defeated than it was a few moments ago. He rubs his face with his face with his hands, leaning against the tree.

He’s about to speak again, but your lips reach his before he gets the chance.

His soft cheeks rest in your hands as you taste him, soaking in the feeling of his warm lips against yours. This time, for the first time, the kiss lasts longer than a few seconds.

The sensation sends shivers up your arms and down your spine. When he kisses you back, he kisses you with so much fervour that you’re worried you’ll pass out at the feeling. But his arms grip you tightly around your waist to keep you there, with him, firmly in place. Your mind is fuzzy and your heart beats erratically in your chest when he squeezes your waist. Craving him like this is new to you, and yet you can’t help but yearn for more.

Where words failed you before, you make up for it in slow dances across his lips.

“It was worth it, right?” Your question comes as a surprise to him.

Earlier, when the sun had begun to set, the two of you decided that public parks were not exactly the most ideal place to have a heart-to-heart. So you walked back to his place, hands shoved in to the depths of your pockets, but your shoulders brushing against his with every step.

The two of you laid face to face on his bed, pillow-width apart.

“Leaving, yes. Hurting you, not at all.” He answers quietly, his hand drawing circles on the small of your back.

Under his bedroom lights, you take his breath away. His eyes trace over your features, over every dip and bump of the outlines of your face and he hopes that this vision of you never leaves him. He takes in every mole and freckle on your face like it’s the first time he’s seen them, when the reality is that he always used to map out constellations on your cheeks while you slept. He’s afraid that if he blinks, you’ll vanish again, so he tries to keep his gaze steady on yours, unwavering and certain. The way he looks at you sends the butterflies in your stomach into a frenzy.

“I miss you,” You say, your voice meek and he feels his heart break all over again. “I miss you too.” You both speak in present-tense because even though he could touch you, see you, he knew it would take an indefinite amount of time for the pain of losing so many moments to heal.

He pulls you into him, savouring the feeling of your embrace. Holding you makes him feel at home, and god knows he’s been away for so long. You nestle into the crook of his neck, and his hands rest under your sweater and on supple skin, willing your pain to go away.

There are an infinite amount of things he wants to tell you, but he figures “I love you.” would suffice for now.

Life never slowed down. As much as it felt like it had when you spent your days with him again, the days piled up one by one. And soon enough, time caught up.

Soon enough, you would need to book your train ticket back to the city, because your three-week long semester break would draw to a close. He would have to book a plane ticket back to glitz and glamour, and the pair of you would wind up in the same dilemma that you were in five years ago.

Only this time, he never leaves your side during your fleeting time together. This time, he tries to make up for all the lost moments within the span of three weeks. He doesn’t let go of any chance to be with you- to hold you, to touch you, to kiss you. He imprints the feeling of his skin on yours so that you never forget. So that he never forgets. Your eyes are cosmic in the moments that you share intimately, and he soaks up every inch of you so that he never forgets what it feels like to share the same breath.

He listens to all your stories and all your bizarre adventures with a fond smile, because you tell them with such wonder that it makes him feel like he was there. Your voice is the only one he wants in his head.

When he drops you off at the station, he doesn’t say goodbye. But not like last time; he doesn’t say goodbye because instead he says I’ll see you soon and Get there safely. When he watches the train pull away from the platform, he prays he sees it soon again because it carries his heart with him.

He likes to imagine that you send him voice notes of your day and how frustrated you are with you OChem professor. That you send him pictures of yourself, and all the cute little cats you come across during your walks to class. That you send him long letters in the mail like the hopeless romantic that you are. In return, he would introduce you to his members- he knows you’d get along with Hyunjin the best, because you both would like to bitch about him while he’s still in the room. He likes the idea of facetiming you whenever you have the time, and getting to say he misses you, even if it’s only through a screen. He likes to imagine that in every lyric he writes, an essence of you treads in his words, because you’re his only muse. And he envisions the day when he’s finally back in the town where time slows, up in your room where the rest of the world crumbles away and your slates are clean once again.

But for now he watches as the train becomes nothing but a speck in the distance, waiting for it all to play out.

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velmashaircut · 4 years

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I got tagged by @anxiety-rice and now I’m being held at gunpoint to share my favourite tv shows with everyone. I don’t watch TV that much so I struggled to do this but I don’t want to die so I did it anyway.

1) Mob Psycho 100

This show is probably the first (and only) anime I’d recommend anyone to watch. I love everything about it and I think it has the perfect amount of fights and ‘slice of life’ moments. It isn’t too dramatic but not too tame either. Each episode really makes you wonder what’s going to happen next. The plots great, the characters are great, the openings great. What else can I say? Mob Psycho 100 gets 100/100 lmao. I can’t wait for season three to be released because you know I’ll be on that shit.

2) You

A show starring a protagonist who trying to claim he’s a good person whilst simultaneously doing despicable things? Sign me up. I love to hate Joe and I love to hear him claim he’s justified to kill people because they are hurting his chances with the latest girl he’s taken fancy to. Joe is a guy I’d never want to be near for obvious reasons but it’s entertaining to watch him ruin his own and others lives because he feels he has the right too. If you like asshole protagonists who get away with murder - You is for you.

3) Brooklyn Nine-Nine

One of the few shows that have made me genuinely laugh. My friends convinced me to watch the show and I’m glad I did because it’s definitely my humour. The cast, running jokes and plot made me binge watch the whole show in three days. I appreciate that there’s no laugh track either.

4) Bodyguard

More of a serious show but I still enjoyed it. I don’t know what made me want this show exactly but I don’t regret it. The first epsiode is a bit slow but it really makes the tension feel real and the rest of the episodes is just everything falling apart. I like the main character even if he’s a bit stupid and puts himself in a really bad situations but I hate that Julia Montague woman, she’s so much like the actual British MP’s in parliament it makes me want to hit her. That’s probably the point so hats off to the person who created such a bitchy woman.

5) One Punch Man

I think One Punch Man content is the most I post on whatever this blog is. I don’t even know what to say about it, it’s just so good...I can’t wait for the MA arc to be added to the anime. Bad animation or not, I’ll still watch it.

Im not tagging anyone because I don’t want to put anyone on the spot lmao

#I’m actually very thankful for the tag #it made me realise I 2-3 more tagging games to do #and made me realise I need to watch more TV #tag game

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floating-lovely · 2 years

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My best friend is getting on my nerves. I'm just tired of people telling me they'll be here for me and they just aren't. Even my caseworker doesn't answer my emergency text when i actually reach out she always pushes me to reach out so I finally did n she said she'll answer when shes done driving n never did. My bestfriend is the only other unpaid person other than my dad that I can tell everything to and even now I can't. I sent her a long message of my struggles with my niece n everything like Friday and she said she would answer on her break n barely ended up answering today, Sunday afternoon. She also answered crappily from what the preview showed like if she didn't really read the message or idk just a half ass response but then kept sending more detailed responses after i kept not answering. I know she's busy and going through her own things but just don't open my message if you can't reply because it hurts even more to just be pushed aside. I haven't opened her messages but get previews that things were bad with her husband n she had to turn off her phone (which like come on now total lie) n she's planning on moving out with her sister blah blah she always says shes leaving n she doesnt which again I'm not mad I just feel like she's trying to convince me or make me feel bad or like idk? Yet another message says something about how she hung out with one of the couple of guys shes cheating on her husband with. So she has time to make plans n lie to see this guy but not to sneak a simple message back if she had to shut off her phone? Or she can always go hang with this guy but not leave the house to call me if she cant call me around her husband? She literally only calls me on her way to see this guy (she lives in a different state than me) so like less than 15 minutes and then spends the night doing shrooms with this guy n stuff. I'm glad he makes her happy but obviously i just don't matter to her. My dad is my only person left and he hasn't been through what me n my bff have gone through mental health wise. But he tries n he's always here for me he just always ends up involving God which can make me feel like I don't pray enough n I've blown up on him before for that because it can make me feel guilty n worse like im not praying right or enough. But he gives good advice about how to handle my niece n he just does try to listen. When my dad isn't home or if he's resting I'm just all alone at the end of it all. I don't want to answer her but I'm still using my apps so she keeps messaging me like okay so you can go days without messaging me but I have to answer you right away? No I'm just tired of it. I'm just alone and have to get used to it. I only had fun by myself when I'm high but it makes me binge so not doing that.

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fighterfortheforgotten · 6 years

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PINOF Through the Ages

ah, November, that special time of year between halloween and christmas where i can buy “fun sized” (read “thumb sized”) chocolate bars and tinsel in the same aisle at walmart…

it’s also that time of year where members of the phandom, young and old, come together and collectively binge watch all the PINOF videos in preparation for the newest installment, as we wait with bated breath for what fresh hell we’re gonna be hit with this year.

today, i would like to share with you my observations of PINOF Through The Years, as we embark on the fucking trip that is sure to be PINOF 9…

Phil is not on fire (25 October 2009)

- can you IMAGINE what the hell Phil’s parents and/or brother must’ve thought when they were filming that/saw it for the first time?! Phil brings home this random kid he found in a train station and they start giggling like actual 12 year olds and wandering round the house talking about The Shining, using the exercise equipment Phil has probably never stepped foot on in his life, and drawing on their faces in sharpie? i can fucking HEAR Kath saying “Phil…honey…are you on the drugs?” and Martyn cackling like a lunatic in the background at his brother and his weird friend….

- Dan is trying so. damn. hard. not to laugh throughout the entire video.

- Speaking of Dan, even back then he was a sassy, cocky lil shit… “every animal makes that noise with you…” “wow Phil, i bet they’re all so glad they can see the diagram…” “no, okay, Phil has really crappy GHDs that don’t even work…they don’t even work…they are Poundland GHDs.”

- everyone always talks about The Tackle™ at the end of the video, but not NEARLY enough people talk about the lil smirk Phil gives the camera just before it…like, seriously?! that’s a “haha, here goes nothing!” kinda smirk. thats a “lol watch this!” kinda smirk. thats a “give the people what they want” kinda smirk…im just sayin’…

Phil is not on fire 2 (29 May 2010)

- okay, first of all, Dan…sweetheart…did you borrow that cardigan from your mum?

- Dan: “if you could choose which surname you had, what would be your decision?” Phil: “…umm…” *almost imperceptible but still definitely there jumpcut* Phil: “Striker!”….yeah, yeah, yeah, alright, everyone knows that Phil really said “yours” in an incredibly sheepish and embarrassed voice to Dan that made him go “awwww!….you’re cutting that out…”, but lets appreciate the editing skills it took to make the cut so completely (almost) seamless….

- oh. my. GOD! there is an ENTIRE post JUST about the microwave moment, but i have to reiterate it again for those who have recently entered this hellscape: imagine you are Phil Lester, a 23 year old adult with an ENGLISH LANGUAGE DEGREE, and in comes this adorable 18 year old twink trying to tell you that “microwave” is a fucking onomatopoeia! if i was Phil, THIS would be the moment i’d never let Dan live down. fuck “hello internet”, if he ever pissed me off i’d just be like “yeah, well, at least i know microwave isn’t a fucking onomatopoeia…” and walk away. argument done, you win every time.

- and that being said, again, lets appreciate how much we can learn from the facial expressions of Philip Michael Lester. in that moment, the look he gives Dan is pure “are you fucking serious…?” it is incredulity in a nutshell. it is shock and fondness and “oh my god you are such a twat…”. if there were a dictionary of facial expressions, Phil’s face at the moment Dan says fucking microwave is his favourite onomatopoeia would be the one next to the definition of “wtf?”

Phil is not on fire 3 (1 November 2011)

- 2011 was, by far, the WORST year for Dan and Phil’s hair. tragic. absolutely tragic…

- wow, Dan was right, every animal DOES make the same noise to Phil, including horrific genetic hybrids of land and sea mammals…

- Dan’s ability to almost unhinge his jaw is terrifying…and i’m sure has played a part in lots of phanfic that i’m definitely not going to look for ever…

- okay, seriously guys?! the word is vagina. say it with me: vagina. come on! all together now! it’s not a *awkward silence and weird hand gesture*, it’s not a “birth area", it’s just a vagina…for someone who knows so much about placenta, it strikes me as odd that Dan can’t say the word vagina out loud…

- i’ve never heard anyone giggle as much as Dan does in this video…

Phil is not on fire 4 (12 September 2012)

- the hair is better this year…slightly…

- whoever decided that those face mask things were a good idea needs to be buried alive…the way they look when they move is so horrifying, it gives me nightmares.

- the “gu-hoy!” noise Dan makes in this video (ts 3:21 if you’re at all interested) is my text alert on my phone and it makes me panic every time i watch it because im like “wtf is someone texting me for at 11:53 pm?!” but then i realize it’s just the video and that i’m actually still very alone and have no friends…

- (bloopers bonus!) petition to have 2012 be known in the phandom as, ‘The Year Dan Was Finally Comfortable With The Word Vagina’. that’s all it was guys! he learned a new word and just wanted to show how broad his vocabulary had become!

Phil is not on fire 5 (22 November 2013)

- and right off the bat we’re affronted again by the fact that Dan and Phil have zero concept of how female anatomy works….

- this is probably the most uneventful pinof in the entire series.

Phil is not on fire 6 (6 November 2014)

- to return to the hair discourse, i firmly maintain that 2014 was the best year for their haircuts/styles.

- Phil has no concept of what a sassy face is…

- #StopPhil201X needs to just be a recurring thing every year…

- that poor, poor snake…

- petition for Dan to sing the national anthem at every tour stop in 2018

- the idea of Dan trying to carry on the legacy of Phil Is Not On Fire after Phil’s death is so damn heartbreaking to me…i need a minute

- my lil demon soul is convinced that Phil was doing *something* to Dan’s neck when they both tried to fit through that sweater…i mean, look at his face when he laughs and says “stop". seriously?!

- something about Dan with his fringe swapped, on the wrong side of the bed, and wearing Phil’s shirt makes me feel almost uncomfortable, but in a way that i’m not entirely sure how to process…

- (bloopers bonus!) to reiterate! every animal does, in fact, make the same noise to Phil. this has now been confirmed 3 times.

- (bloopers bonus!) the amount of pleasure Phil is able to derive from any mention of Hello Internet warms the deepest recesses of my soul like the light of the sun after a 1000 year winter.

Phil is not on fire 7 (29 November 2015)

- uh, excuse me? do not drag my country in such a way. Canada is indeed real. it’s where maple syrup comes from. as someone who enjoys the simplicity of a good pancake, i expected better from you Mr. Philip.

- i feel so bad for their neighbours during the stress mushroom tug of war…like, can you imagine what those poor people must’ve thought of them? i’d love to interview their neighbours one day…better yet, their neighbours should write a book: “I Lived Next To YouTubers For 5 Years: The Adventure" and just have it be a chronicle of every weird thing they ever witnessed/encountered.

- with every passing year, Dan’s knowledge of fanfiction tropes and writing styles becomes increasingly disturbing…hide the smut everyone Daniel Howell is coming for it.

- Phil! with the puns! honestly Dan, how do you put up with this man?

- (bloopers bonus!) the way dans voice changes when he grabs Phils underwear and is just ENTHRALLED with the fact that he’s colour coordinates his boxers to his bedsheets is probably the single most disgusting thing i have ever witnessed in my entire life…i mean, i love it, but why are you SO EXTRA?!

Phil is not on fire 8 (29 November 2016)

- NOTHING in the animal or cutlery kingdoms should be born or created in the way Phil describes the birthing process of a spork!

- okay. OKAY! i love the fringes, i really do. i’m a fringe fan from way back, but the hair pushed back thing they get going on sometimes? i can get on board with that.

- aaaannd at 1:57 into pinof 8, the little game i like to play called “Phan or Viktuuri" had all of its lines blurred so far beyond recognition i’m not even sure which universe i’m living in anymore.

- the PSA for “staying hydrated"…such a harmless, and beautiful message about health and self care that the phandom managed to turn into a sex meme…but no one is surprised by that now, are they?

- i need to know why that stock photo exists in the first place…also, why the hell was Phil wearing sandals in November?

- (bloopers bonus!) Phil: “phil is not on fire 8! this time its…what the tagline?” the phandom: “…gayer than ever?” Dan: “full of regrets.” the phandom: “…i mean I GUESS!!!”

- (bloopers bonus!) everything about this blooper reel just confirms even more solidly that Dan is the biggest Phil fan in the world. i’m not gonna wax poetic about the compliments or the comparisons to sunshine or anything else, because at this point is it really necessary? no. i thought not.

and there we have it. just in time for PINOF 9 to be released, a full (and much more in depth than intended) recap of the saga thus far…wake me up when Gamingmas starts, cuz after this video comes out, i’m gonna need a solid week of sleep

#pinof 9 #dan and phil #phandom #daniel howell #phil lester #amazingphil #pinof8 #pinof 7 #pinof 6 #pinof 5 #pinof 4 #pinof 3 #pinof 2 #pinof 1 #pinof #phil is not on fire #danisnotonfire #2017 in the phandom #my own special brand of shitpost

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oh-mother-of-darkness · 7 years

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asks (40)

Anonymous said: Holy frick that is so encouraging and I needed that so much bc I literally visited my college to measure my dorm room and drove home in tears bc I panicked myself into a frenzy about whether or not everything leading me to this point has been a mistake and what if I fail and ruin my life before it even starts (I have since calmed down a little) so your encouragement was much needed & is much appreciated

I’m glad I could help <3 <3 <3 Good luck at school! I’m sure you’ll kick its ass

areverieofchaosdreams said: It's Fanfiction Writers Appreciation Day. So thank you for all your amazing stories!!!

Oh goodness I’m all a blushin :’)

Anonymous said: *HAPPY WRITER APPRECIATION DAY* Send this to someone whose talent has blown you away, who you'd like to encourage to keep on writing always, and who you'd like to thank for working their butt off to provide fandom members with breathtaking stories to consume! THANK YOU :D

Aw thank you!

Anonymous said: Hi! I Hope you're well! Do you still take fic requests? Because I really miss Colin Wilkes and I'd love to a story of him with your writing!

Unfortunately I don’t often take requests these days, but I’ll definitely keep Colin in mind!

dirtycherrypie said: hey! applying for WE for the R&D department (may or may not be aware of producing bat gadgets)

dirtycherrypie said: SHit forgot my name - Bea, at your service!

[Bruce Wayne voice] hired

tigers-and-weeds said: Literally just fell down the rabbit hole on your tumblr for the last 12-24 hours. I am in love with with you headcannons and fics! The angst feeds my soul... So I figured I would request: anything angsty with Dick and Damian please please please

Okay again I don’t usually take fic requests BUT I like me some angst so the odds that this will eventually happen.... are extremely high. I’ll try to remember to dedicate the next one to you :) And thank you!

math--ew said: I went on a little birthday vacation to california and I've never been to the beach before. I was bending down to grab a pretty shell and this huge wave knocked me face first into the sand. Like, five people saw and laghed but I got the shell so I guess it's a win win.

Duuuude back at Lake Michigan last month the same thing happened to me. I was taking care of my little sister and her five year old friend, so I was so busy making sure they were okay that the wave plowed me halfway across the beach

babybatbrat said: when i was in ap physics i once spent an entire study period in my physics teacher's room working on one problem. as far as i could tell i was doing all of the work correctly and had all the initial values right so i was racking my brain trying to figure out why i wasn't getting the right answer. the third time i went up to my teacher and asked for help he told me to start at the beginning and walk him through my process bc he couldn't tell why i was getting it wrong either (1)

babybatbrat said: (2) so i start the problem and explain how i got through all the values - "okay so the rod is 5 inches long and half of 5 is 3 and a half -" and i stopped there bc it occurred to me that 3.5 is not half of 5. "it's what?" My teacher asks. i put my head in my hands and stood there for a minute before picking up my work and walking to the back of the classroom while he laughed, bc i had just spent 45 minutes convinced that half of 5 was 3.5 and not, in fact, 2.5, and that was the only thing wrong

Honestly??? Relatable

babybatbrat said: One time i woke up at six in the morning to hear the neighbor's dog barking and instantly realized that meant my dog had jumped the fence, so i went racing outside and sprinted down the street to catch her. when i did i picked her up and turned around to go home and then saw my neighbor standing on their front porch, realized i was in only an oversized spiderman tshirt and snowman pajama shorts, holding a twenty pound labrador and thats how i met my new neighbors

Incredible...... 10/10.....

thrakaboom said: Not a funny story,but two days ago at comic con I met Tom King and he showed me a picture of his kids while he was signing my books

Well hey that’s pretty cool

Anonymous said: I adore your Tumblr. It was a wonderful way to get into the Batfamily fanbase; prior, I thought that there was only one Batman and a single Robin, dearie me was I wrong. And those stories you write, just great. The Headcanons are just as enjoyable. As for Batman, that has come to be a sibling enjoyment. Thank you for your contributions and existence!

!!!!!! Welcome to the crew!

frnkensteingrrrlz said: hey!!! i just went through ur reasons to be happy tag and!! i'm so so happy bc of it (esp the damian hcs, they're spot on imo and he's my favourite) so i hope u have a good day!!!

Thanks! I am having a good day today! Although I’m sure it’s been a long time since you sent this :////

Anonymous said: HELLO I have just discovered and binge-read all of your fics with my homeboy Damian in them, and just wanted to pop by and say that I love you & you are my hero & you write my boy so well so thank u and I hope your life is blessed & you achieve your wildest hopes & dreams

My day is made :D

badfaith00 said: Best batman storyline you've ever read ?

Ooooooh hm I’m mighty attached to n52 Batman and Robin? Particularly the first storyline, but the second is also fantastic

Anonymous said: THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR SHAMELESSLY REBLOGGING YOUR OWN WORK BC I HADNT SEEN IT BEFORE AND ITS HONESTLY SO PHENOMENAL ITS GOING ON MY LIST OF ALL TIME FAVORITES THANK U AND BLESS U

THANK YOU!!! THAT ONE IS MY FAVORITE AND I AM VERY PROUD OF IT

onwardmotley said: In today's Detective Comics someone finally told Bruce and co that Tim's alive. They didn't explain where he is, or how to get him back, but hey. It might've had more impact if anyone was seen actually mourning Tim and it wasn't just played as him being in cosmic time out, but at least it should end soon idk. Hopefully.

Tim Drake? It’s been years since I heard that name.....

Finally. Thank goodness.

Anonymous said: Idk if I prefer your soul crushing angst or your heartwarming fluff... actually I like to suffer so I'll stay with angst lol

Y’all seeing this? Anon gave me permission. Can’t yell at me next time because it won't be my fault (thanks babe :))

Anonymous said: for music, idk what kind of music u like so here is variety: St. Vincent - Paris is Burning, Sea Wolf - Dear Fellow Traveler (tbh everything by Sea Wolf is great), Dirt Poor Robins - Eleanor Rigby, Between Wind and Water- HAEL, Ellem - Kings and Queens and Vagabonds, The Rigs - Rise & Fall, Tally Hall - Light and Night, and Streetlight Manifesto - The Hands that Thieve.

Thank you! I’m excited to listen to these! I’ll start right now!

Anonymous said: 1) What are the good comics to read for Batfamily stuff (from any point in time) and 2) what are the best Jason Todd comics? Thanks!

Okay for Jason I would definitely start with the big ones, which are A Death In the Family and Under the Red Hood. After that you could try Red Hood: the Lost Days and Countdown to Final Crisis. I would avoid the n52 series until you have a good enough grasp of the character to recognize bad writing when you see it.

For the generalized batfam.... that’s pretty broad. My personal favorites are Red Robin, Batgirl (2009), and both B&R series. If you have more specific questions, you should IM me! I promise I’m better about answering those than asks

yellowwallsbluesky said: Have you heard Swooner by The Zolas? I've really been jamming to it lately

Listening to it right now! Sounds like a bop so far :)

Anonymous said: Hidden citizens paint it black 💜

Much obliged!

Anonymous said: Harry styles "sign of the times".

[adds to list] thank you!

neo669 said: I MISS CASA OLE!! Sorry just read that you lived in Bryan/College Station and I used to live there as well. It's kinda hard to find people that even know that it exists. But I'm sure you can kick law schools butt. You got this!

Yooooooo I miss cstat too :((((

palliddark said: Adalgiza, and I'll be a translator (English to Brazilian Portuguese)

[Bruce Wayne voice] also hired

maeofthedead said: I love your headcannons and now I sort of want to cry thank

Excellent that is the exact target response

Anonymous said: Love your rant in the tags about the pizza making I'm laughing so hard

Listen..... I have strong feelings

Anonymous said: Did you hear they're making an omnibus of Tomasi's entire run on Batman & Robin?? I just heard and now I kinda want to get this massive book in honor of my favorite batkid and the series that made me love him so much

Man I already have all the individual volumes but if I didn’t......

sonicboom00724601 said: Hi. :) Nice headcanon. :)

I’m not sure which one you’re talking about, but thank you! You're real sweet

Anonymous said: can you maybe write an interaction between Wonder Woman and Captain America? I absolutely adore your style and would love to see your take on it.

Hmmmm I don’t really have a good enough grasp of Captain America’s characterization to try that one :////

Anonymous said: i tried to kill on mosquito that was on my ceiling by slamming it with a book but mosquito was on the move so i bounced swiftly and jammed both my wrist and thumb and now my existence is Pain. also my thumbs swelling and looks purple, so that's nice

Oh shit anon you good???

daziy said: Do we know who Barbara's mother usually is?

Yeah! In her original version, Babs had a birth mom and an adopted mom. She was originally Jim’s niece, so her birth mom’s name was Thelma Gordon. After the adoption, her parents were Jim and Barbara Gordon, with her adopted mother being her namesake. So two Barbara Gordons.

I think for awhile the canon was that her mother died in a car crash, but the current version has her still alive. She left Jim when Babs was young, taking her son (Babs’s brother) with her. James Gordon (the son) turned out to be a serial killer.

Barbara Gordon Sr. and James Gordon Jr. both appeared in the n52 Batgirl series during the Death of the Family arc. There’s also a very good story about James from the Dickbats period. That one’s called The Black Mirror, if I’m not mistaken?

Anonymous said: Hi! What do you think of the upcoming metal event? Dick and Damian seem to have a big role in it ( I hope Jason is involved too but there's still no sign of it)

Hmmmm I don’t know that I have an opinion just yet, but as always, I hope to be pleasantly surprised

Anonymous said: bless you are your wonderful tagging system. know that i may have avoided death because of how easy it was to f ind the thing I wanted in your tags. bless

Oh goodness anon I hope you’re not serious about almost dying.... but thanks?

Anonymous said: hi amy! would u say that damians narrative is written as a child abuse one? like there are definitely many allusions to it but its also not as explicit as say, cassandra or rose. like how much of it would u chalk up to comic world dynamics and how much to actual abuse? also would u consider jason to also be a case of this?

Oh I have very strong opinions about the role of abuse in Damian’s narrative. It’s absolutely there, and the effects are staggeringly large. There is no doubt in my mind that the league was an abusive environment, and I can’t justify some of the things Bruce did either.

I think I would say the same thing for Jason, if not quite as strongly. I definitely think that some of the things that happened to Jason as a child shaped his story later on, but less of those were abuse than outside circumstances. The n52 takes a different track on that one, I think, but I don’t put much stock in that characterization.

Anonymous said: has jason forgiven bruce for not killing joker? if so, what made him?

Unlikely. They get along better these days, but I would argue that comes from poor characterization of Bruce, not an actual resolution process.

mellenabrave said: My mom accidentlly threw my Damian doll away (╥_╥)

Tossed in the garbage by yet another parent--

Anonymous said: Whoa where'd you get that bat and oracle shirt you're wearing in your necklace pic? It's so cool! (The necklace is also gorgeous!)

Shoot I think it was from Redbubble? But I can’t find it now

Anonymous said: Omg that necklace was so cool!!! Kudos to the maker of it!! Also I really like your top!!

Thank you <3

#......dont look at me #listen i JUST got wifi again #asks

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boy-porridge-vent · 5 years

Text

Day 2

So,,,, I went to that float party I was talking about yesterday, and well, it went very well! I had a lot of fun & didn’t stress over a lot of stuff today. First off, it was raining when I showed up, so that really calmed me down about thinking too much about food & people, and second, my friend that I work with fortunately showed up, and that relieved me a lot, so in the end I ended up saying “yknow what, bro? today is gonna be a binge day, I’m gonna eat as much as I want & Im not gonna care about the consequences or what happens to my body until tomorrow when this good day is over” and it was actually kinda nice. I was a bit self conscious at first but eventually I started to shovel food into my mouth like it was nothing. I had:

7 small slices of cheese pizza that weren’t nearly as greasy as I thought they would be

a handful of peapods

a dozen or so baby carrots with dip

one cherry tomato

3 broccoli

like, 5 sugar cookies

2 choc. chip cookies

1 halloween-themed cookie

a cupcake

literally 4 potato chips

lots of water!

I also wore shorts in public for the first time in probably months, maybe even a year. At first I was cold because, yknow, skinny guy here, but it warmed up later & I felt pretty good

Also, I DID end up going to that bonfire party I was so worried about. I convinced by my friend because he wanted to go, and I decided I would hang out with him & another girl-pal of mine the whole time as to avoid others that would cause me to have an emotional break down. Well, turns out the party was cancelled because the guy hosting it got into an argument w his mom & she made him call it off. So after I heard that I was relieved of all stress over seeing those people I didn’t want to see, and I got to have some really good hangout-time with my two friends! We walked around a majority of the town, got burger king (I had a whopper, small fry, 10 pc nugget because I had already eaten a lot so why not end the night with more to finish the binge?), then went to the girl’s house & talked about moving plans & we came up with this huge plan involving our big friend group all moving in together & making our own little dream house together for several years. We planned everything out, it was so much fun!

I was completely de-stressed of any bad thoughts from the other night and Im glad we all got to hang out & talk about future plans & goals as opposed to me crying for 2 hours over some girl that doesn’t even love me back and looking like a baby in front of a dozen people at a random bonfire.

I have a lot of future goals & plans all over my mind now, and not to mention, while walking around town I got to vent about a lot of stuff involving this girl I’ve liked for so long now, and it just made me feel better to get how I felt off my chest. I won’t ever get over her, I will always like her & wish she was mine, but today made me realize that maybe things will be okay after all. idk lol

Lastly, for the good stuff, after binging & eating literally more than I have in weeks, guess what? I only gained 1 pound. ONE!!! I ate so much, and I went from 109.5 lbs last night to around 110.5 lbs right now. That’s insane! I’m very happy about that, I was expecting to go from 109.5 back up to 114, or maybe 117. Now that I have nothing planned for tomorrow, I get to lay around or do whatever I want tomorrow after I wake up & lose weight just by doing fuck-all. What a good day.

Sorry for all the rambling & paragraphs, I just had a lot on my mind to process but in a good way. Also my computer died halfway through typing this & it didn’t save so I had to retype everything :/

But yeah, goodnight from me to all that read this (:

September 02, 2019

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bronzeflower · 7 years

Text

Who The Fuck Writes A Ten-Page Rant?????

Also on ao3

-----

Chapter 3: The Video Has Been Created

You woke up with your face on your computer keyboard, hunched over, and uncomfortable as hell. You proceed to sit up and groan as every single bone in your spine cracks like it’s the Fourth of July without any of the actual fun of the Fourth of July.

You blink until you regain sight of the world and drink some water to get the morning taste out of your mouth. You also grab the sweet, sweet elixir that coffee and toast some bread to eat.

Once you get all the other survival aspects of life out of the way, you sit down at your computer and begin to message Kanaya.

-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling grimAuxiliatrix [GA] --

CG: HEY, KANAYA. CG: I JUST HAD THE WEIRDEST DREAM.

GA: I Congratulate You On Your Rest GA: Might I Inquire What Your Dream Was About

CG: IT WAS MOSTLY JUST WEIRD BECAUSE OF HOW REALISTIC IT WAS. CG: LIKE, I WAS JUST BINGE-WATCHING A BUNCH OF VIDEOS ON GRUBTUBE WHERE THIS GUY WEARING SHADES WAS JUST REVIEWING A SHIT-TON OF RANDOM PRODUCTS CG: AND I GOT SO PISSED OFF AT IT. CG: EVERY SINGLE ONE OF HIS REVIEWS WAS DONE IN THE MOST MONOTONE FUCKING VOICE, AND HE WOULD DESCRIBE EVERY SINGLE LITTLE THING YOU COULD CONCEIVABLY THINK OF TO DESCRIBE, AND THEN HE WOULD GO THAT LITTLE EXTRA MILE TO CONNECT THOSE DETAILS TO THE MOST UNRELATED SHIT. CG: HE COMPARED THE SHAPE OF AN APPLE TO SOME EVENT IN HISTORY THAT NOBODY HAS EVEN EVER HEARD ABOUT. CG: AN APPLE, KANAYA.

GA: That Certainly Sounds Entertaining

CG: IT WAS, BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT. CG: THE POINT IS, HE PISSED DREAM-ME OFF SO MUCH THAT I WROTE HIM THIS HUGE RANT ABOUT HOW POINTLESS AND CONFUSING HIS CHANNEL WAS. CG: I DON’T EVEN REMEMBER THE MAJORITY OF WHAT I WROTE. CG: AND THAT WAS MY DREAM, BASICALLY.

GA: That Is Definitely A Strange Dream GA: Did The Channel Have A Name

CG: YEAH IT WAS SOMETHING LIKE COGS IN THE GOD’S HEAD CG: OR SOMETHING EQUALLY DUMB AS THAT. CG: IT WAS AN ABSOLUTELY RIDICULOUS NAME THAT HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH WHAT HIS CHANNEL ACTUALLY DID.

GA: If I May Be So Bold GA: It Is Plausible That The Channel Is Not As Fake As You Believe It To Be GA: http://grubtube.com/channel/Ds7ioP4nOI1dS3Jls88

CG: WHAT THE FUCK. CG: HUH CG: I GUESS YOU’RE RIGHT. CG: WHAT A FUCKING DOUCHEBAG.

GA: I Concur

CG: WHO EVEN WEARS SHADES ALL THE FUCKING TIME ANYWAYS? CG: IT’S ABSOLUTELY RIDICULOUS.

GA: What About How Real You Think Your Dream Might Have Been?

CG: FUCK, I DON’T KNOW. CG: MAYBE I WAS SO TIRED THAT I JUST REGISTERED IT ALL AS A DREAM. CG: HOWEVER, THE RANT I WROTE WAS MOST DEFINITELY JUST A DREAM. CG: IT WAS MERELY A SIDE EFFECT OF WATCHING HIS VIDEOS AT AN EARLY HOUR.

GA: Perhaps GA: I Do Think It Is Unlikely That Was Something You Actually Did GA: However You Do Tend To Rant Quite A Bit

CG: THAT’S FAIR.

GA: Also I Happen To Have A Question For You Unrelated To This Topic

CG: WHAT IS IT?

GA: Are You Planning On Coming To Work Today GA: Or Are You Feeling Sick

CG: OH SHIT. CG: SORRY, KANAYA, I’LL BE THERE SOON.

GA: Thank You

-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling grimAuxiliatrix [GA] --

You quickly get dressed and run out of the door in order to get to Kanaya’s store.

When you get there, you find her speaking to a woman with dark lipstick and white hair. The were probably talking about a commission for clothing, so you decided to leave them alone to assist people in the store.

You loved Kanaya, you really did, but if you have to deal with one more customer who tried to haggle with you, you were going to strangle someone. It wasn’t your fault that certain people did not understand the time and effort it takes to make a handmade garment.

“I’m sorry, but I can’t make any exceptions to the price. These are all made with high-quality materials, and they are hand-tailored. IN all honesty, this is practically a steal for what it's worth.”

“Look here, I know quality when I see it, and this piece of garbage isn’t passing any quality tests anytime soon.”

“You're free to shop anywhere else if you wish or find something cheaper in the store.” You said. “So, please, either pay for the skirt or buy something else.”

“Fine, I will!” The customer declared. “And I won’t buy anything from this store ever!”

Karkat breathed out a sigh of relief when the customer left. Thank. Fucking. God.

The lady Kanaya was speaking to came out of the back and began to look around the store. She looked around for so long that you rung up three purchases.

Eventually, she came up to the counter with several items.

“Excuse me, but I was wondering if you could assist me.”

“What do you need?” you ask, hoping that she would not be an obnoxious customer.

“I need some help in deciding which blouse to buy.” She held up two blouses, one that had a black and white design, and one that had a lavender color.

“I would go with the light purple one.” You advised. “It’s a nice color and it’s made with better material.”

“Thank you.” She put away the black and white blouse. “I would like to buy the rest of these.”

You add up the price of all the items, and she pays. You neatly fold all the clothes and put them in bags, which you hand to the woman.

“Come again.” You say when you give her the bags.

“Thank you. I will.” She left, and you glance at the clock to see how much time was left before you needed to close the store. About two more hours.

At least there weren't that many people in the store to deal with, but that wasn’t very good for the story and left you feeling very, very bored. It stayed like this for a long while.

“Has Rose left?”

You jumped at the sudden voice and turned to Kanaya.

“Who’s Rose?”

“She was the woman I was talking to about a commission. The one with the white hair.” Kanaya explained.

“Oh, yeah. She did leave. Bought a whole bunch of shit beforehand though. Why?”

“Well, as I said, we were talking about sewing a dress for her, but I just realized that I neglected to ask her for her contact information in order to finalize the details of her request.”

“She might come back tomorrow. After all, she would care about her dress. That, and the shop is going to close soon.”

“Oh. Well, I do hope she shows up tomorrow.”

Rose did, in fact, show up the next day, and she and Kanaya traded contact information. Before Rose left, she bought a hair flower that she claimed was a gift for a friend.

For the next few weeks, everything went as normal as ever until you were looking through GrubTube only to find a video made by cogsintheGodshead titled “long angry rant.’ The thumbnail had a picture of the douchebag with photoshopped angry eyebrows with a large stack of paper shittily photoshopped next to him.

You click on the video because, of course, you want to see him have an actual expression on his face. However, your hopes of seeing him angry fall flat when the video begins.

“So, recently, I got an angry message describing how useless my channel is, so, of course, I’m going to read the entire thing to all of you.”

He cleared his throat and began reading.

“First of all, fuck you. And second of all, fuck you. And third of all, guess fucking what? Fuck you. I’m sending you a metaphorical middle finger. Two, in fact. Both of my middle hand sticks are erect and ready for your viewing pleasure.”

By the time you got two minutes into the video, the rant began to sound familiar and suspiciously like one of your own rants. By the time five minutes had passed, you were convinced that it was your rant. By the time ten minutes had passed, you were only halfway through the video and you were feeling complete and utter rage that soon faded away into embarrassment and mortification.

You can not fucking believe that this pretentious douche was reading, out loud, the message you sent to him. The message you thought you didn’t actually send and that you thought was merely a figment of your imagination.

When the video ended, you decided you had to message someone about it.

-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling grimAuxiliatrix [GA] --

CG: IT WAS NOT A DREAM.

GA: I Believe You Are Going To Have To Be A Little Bit More Specific About Which Dream You Are Talking About

CG: THE ONE WHERE I WROTE A GIANT FUCKING RANT AND SENT IT TO COGSINTHEGODSHEAD. CG: THAT WAS NOT A DREAM.

GA: What Happened To Prove This

GC: THIS GC: THIS HAPPENED. GC: https://www.grubtube.com/watch?=Odda45IDa09

GA: There Doesn’t Appear To Be Any Evidence That You Were The One Who Wrote It Other Than That It Sounds Like Your Style Of Writing

GC: AND THAT I *DREAMED* ABOUT IT

GA: That Would Be A Pretty Telling Sign GA: How Are You Fairing

GC: I DON’T REALLY KNOW. GC: I’M PRETTY MAD ABOUT IT, AND I HATE PAST ME FOR WRITING THE THING, GC: BUT I GUESS I ALREADY WROTE AND SENT IT, GC: AND COGSINTHEGODSHEAD ALREADY MADE A VIDEO ABOUT IT, GC: SO THERE ISN’T REALLY ANYTHING I CAN DO ABOUT IT.

GA: You Could Send A Message To Him About It

GC: AND EMBARRASS MYSELF EVEN FURTHER? GC: NO, THANK YOU!

GA: It Was Simply A Suggestion You Do Not Have To Do It If You Do Not Wish It

GC: I KNOW, BUT I DON’T THINK I WILL. GC: IT WOULD BE CHILDISH, AND ‘IM A GROWN FUCKING ADULT. GC: THE VIDEO IS ACTUALLY REALLY FUNNY NOW THAT I THINK ABOUT IT, EVEN IF THE GRUBTUBER HIMSELF IS A HUGE ASSHOLE.

GA: I Am Glad You Are Being Mature About It

GC: ME TOO. GC: I SHOULD PROBABLY GO EAT SOMETHING, SO I’LL MESSAGE YOU LATER. GC: IF THERE IS ANYTHING YOU NEED TO TELL ME THEN, FEEL FREE TO DO SO. GC: GOD KNOWS I’VE TALKING YOUR EARS OFF MORE THAN ENOUGH TIMES.

GA: Alright I Will Be Sure To Do That

GC: OH, AND KANAYA?

GA: Yes Karkat

GC: <>

GA: <>

-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling grimAuxiliatrix [GA] --

#davekat #kanaya maryam #karkat vantas #rose lalonde #homestuck

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lizzizzie-blog · 7 years

Text

Remember that time when society made you think you were straight?

So, it’s been more than a month since I posted anything. As my 30th birthday looms (3 days and counting), I’ve been spending a lot of time thinking about who I am. I’ve been reflecting nostalgically on my youth (i.e., listening to early 2000′s emo). I’ve had so many threads of ideas for post topics floating around my brain, and I’ve wanted to sit down and get into all of them, but... I’ve been utterly stuck on this one idea, and I’ve been stalling. I’ve been going back and forth in my head over whether it’s important enough to write about this. Questioning the validity of something I know to be true about me.

I’m afraid to say (write) these things. I’m afraid that people won’t understand. That’s one reason not to write this. Also, this feels self-indulgent. Nobody asked. I’m not sure anybody cares. I feel silly shouting “me too!” when friends of mine have been out - have had to be out - for years now. It’s moot as far as others are because I’m married. I've already “settled down,” so why does it matter? Those are additional reasons not to write this. But, it does matter.

Because I’ve learned that research shows learning the story of someone who’s a member of an oppressed group can help change people’s minds. And I know that sometimes people change their minds when they realize someone they know is LGBTetc. And maybe I can be that person.

Because bi erasure is real and harmful and I don’t want to implicitly contribute to it.

Because it’s not fair that, because I am married to a man, I shouldn’t have to be open about my sexuality as a prerequisite to living my authentic life, when so many LGBTetc people that I love don’t have that option.

Because every moment that passes that I don’t share this, I feel less authentic. And it hurts to be inauthentic.

Because self-love and self-acceptance are my main goals for my 30th year.

Because maybe I can help young people.

Because it’s true. (And the truth is always a gift).

Those are all my reasons to write this. And today they outweigh the reasons not to.

In early December of 2016, I went out with some girlfriends. We ended up huddled around somebody’s kitchen island, wine tipsy, chatty, giggly… all wearing incredibly immature “ugly Christmas sweaters.” I had a warm glowy feeling going. We were discussing our husbands when the conversation took a stereotypical turn in the “men - can’t live with ‘em, can’t live without ‘em” direction, and then we were on the subject of kissing women. Someone said, “I could definitely kiss a girl,” to which I shrugged “I mean, course!” in agreement. Then they qualified with, “but that’s probably it - I could never go down on a girl,” to which the rest of the girls agreed with varying degrees of enthusiasm. I shrugged and let the subject naturally change. This is the most recent in a series of conversations throughout my life, where I’ve found myself realizing that the way I feel is not the way the majority of straight women I know feel. This was the first time I noticed it in real time, though, rather than in hindsight.

It’s taken the better part of 30 years, and the happy accident of discovering Skam - and the incredible Skam fandom (Skam Fam - more on that later) - but I am finally in a place where I consciously know what I am: bisexual. Or possibly-probably pansexual. I’m not sure. Labels are tricky, as we’ve discussed. Anyway...

Growing up godless, I didn’t have any religiously rooted shame to overcome. I’ve always been emphatically pro-LGBT rights, ever since learning the meaning of the word “gay” and the concept of “same-sex marriage.” That’s always felt intensely personal to me. I’ve always felt a connection to LGBT stories in (pop) culture. They’re always the stories I latch onto and obsess over. I’ve always felt attracted to girls/women. I’ve always flirted with boys/men and girls/women, and I’ve always meant it. And yet… somehow, at the same time, I had no idea that meant I wasn’t straight. I didn’t know that what I was feeling for girls and women was different from what my straight friends were feeling. I assumed that everyone must be feeling what I was feeling, and since I was attracted to boys and men, too, I ignored that part of me. I received no messages that it was a valid option, and so I didn’t even consider it. I had trouble distinguishing between friendship feelings and romantic/sexual feelings, with girls and boys, so the confusing jumbled mess all felt normal to me. I dated boys by default, and nobody ever really asked, so I never really thought much about it.

When I was 18 and 19, I did the stereotypical “drunkenly make out with other girls at parties to get guys’ attention” thing. Only, it was mostly just one girl. And I’ve never been an attention-seeker. Looking back, I just really enjoyed making out with my best friend. And so I was happy to play along with the default narrative. ...I didn’t understand any of this at the time.

During the summer before my senior year of college, I developed real - or at least closer to conscious - feelings for a girl for the first time. We met working a nerdy biology summer job together. I knew I thought she was beautiful and elegant and stylish. I knew I thought she was smart and funny. I knew I thought she was incredibly pretentious and kind of irritating, and my straight male roommate who also worked with us couldn’t really stand her. I knew that, objectively, she was not someone I’d be expected to befriend. I knew I couldn’t get enough of her anyway. I knew that when we roomed together at a hotel during a work trip, I enjoyed the intimacy of it more than she did. And I knew that when we each slipped pantless into the sheets of our respective beds, and talked until the middle of the night, I felt fizzy. I knew that she annoyed the shit out of me, but I missed her when we were apart. I knew all these things, and yet at the same time, I didn’t totally know why I felt all these things. I chalked it up to quick, intense friendship. I didn’t think much about it, because we both had boyfriends at the time. (Not to mention, I was also developing an increasingly flirtatious texting relationship with her male roommate, and harboring a secret identify as my university’s mascot. I had a lot going on at the time.)

The summer ended and I didn’t see her any longer. I broke up with the boyfriend and jumped quickly into a circumstantially intense relationship with a new guy. My year as a mascot, my senior year of college, was a total whirlwind of mascotting and one incredibly unexpected, devastating, formative experience that I shared with the new guy (a topic for another time). The point is, I had no time for self-reflection with regard to sexuality.

Fast forward to the following fall, I met and fell in love with my now husband, quickly and completely. I was 22. Since then, I haven’t really had much cause to consider or think about my sexual and romantic orientations. Fast forward to age 29, and here I am.

I’ve never been particularly secretive about my crushes and attraction to women. I talk about my crushes on women with my husband, my gay girl friends, and my guy friends regularly. It’s something I’ve never felt any shame about. Shame is not what’s taken me so long to get to this point. It’s repression. It’s socialization. It’s a lack of representation in the media. I assumed I was straight, that my feelings for women were “phases,” outliers in my otherwise straight existence, just like everyone else had, because that’s the default option. Sexuality is fluid, and experimentation is totally normal, but eventually most people choose a “side.” That’s the story we’re told.

My story picks up in late December of 2016, a few weeks after the “I could never go down on a girl” incident during which I’d clammed up (and no one noticed). I was sick with the flu over the holidays. I was looking for something to distract me from my nausea and my incapability to spend time with family in my gross state, and I discovered Skam. In a matter of days, I binged through all three seasons, and it became my favorite show ever. I became more attached to fictional characters than I’ve ever been (which is saying something for those of you who know my heart). The show’s target audience is Norwegian teenagers, but its themes of self-acceptance, internalized homophobia, mental illness, feminism, and friendship (plus many more) are universal. The most recent season follows the story of closeted Isak, who meets and falls in love with a bisexual (presumably), bipolar Even. As they learn to love and accept one another, they learn to love and accept themselves. It’s a portrayal of a realistic, soft, healthy relationship between Isak and Even. It’s something I’ve never seen before, and it was so... refreshing, clarifying, to see. It is incredibly realistic, beautiful, and moving, and it touched me. I became obsessed with this show and these boys.

As a total fangirl, I needed an outlet for this new love. Unsurprisingly, I couldn’t convince any of my IRL friends/family to watch a Norwegian show about teenagers accessible only through fan-made subtitled files on Google Drive. My husband got tired of me blathering on about the amazing editing, clever and moving soundtrack choices, and witty, subversive dialogue. So, I took to the internet. I found my way into the fandom on Tumblr. I met a bunch of young, gay (a catch-all term) as hell Skam fans, and I began talking to them. Each new person I met, I felt immediately connected to them. I felt at home among this group. They are incredibly kind and accepting. They are so far ahead of where I was at their age, in terms of knowing and accepting who they are. It makes me so proud and thrilled for them, and so glad they have each other. And at the same time, it makes me sad for myself when I was their age, and jealous that I didn’t have a similar outlet.

In the last few months, I’ve learned so much from Skam and them. I’ve made impactful, real friendships with people all over the world. They feel like my people, and I’ve come to realize, it’s because they are. Their struggles, and their futures, are a big part of the reason I feel compelled to put this out there.

So, here I am. Validating myself. Accepting myself. Taking my own advice - that I don’t have to be able to explain this to people who won’t understand in order for it to be true. I am Not Straight in 2017. I am Not Straight at age 30. I guess it doesn’t really matter. Then again, it really does matter.

#turning 30 #self-love #self-acceptance #sexuality #identity

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