#all or nothing mindset | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

a-dragons-journal · 10 months

Text

Forgive me for showing my fangs a little here instead of being as delicate in phrasing as I usually am, but. Periodic reminder:

sweeping "humans suck, humans are evil, the world would be better off if humans disappeared/had never evolved" statements may be cathartic but they're thoroughly inaccurate (ie, the vast majority of uniquely bad effects of humans on the planet are a) extremely recent, like within the last couple centuries, b) the fault of an extremely small minority not the entire fucking species, and c) fixable)

hating being human isn't the same as hating humans. I get species dysphoria is a thing. I get that it's often hard to fit in as a nonhuman in human social groups and that can make it easy to slip into hating everyone around you. Please fight that instinct

villainizing people for traits they didn't choose, such as the species they were born into, is neither cute nor fair. No species is inherently good or bad

misanthropy is cathartic in short term vents or whatever but genuinely embracing it wholesale as a philosophy is liable to lead to you hating humans, human society, and being in a human body more and more over time and thus make your life worse by constantly reinforcing a thought pattern that makes you angry and upset

you are not immune to being part of human society (translation: just because you're nonhuman doesn't mean you're not included in statements about the effects of the human population on the world, ie "humans are killing the planet")

related, you are not better than humans for being nonhuman. looking at my fellow dragons in particular on this one. I get it, draconic pride is a thing, dragon brain probably says you're the supreme being and all else is beneath you especially anyone who annoys you. Mine does too. Please recognize that is an instinct you are supposed to FIGHT, not something that's TRUE AND THAT YOU SHOULD EMBRACE. Good fucking gods.

some nonhumans are also human (it's me, I'm some nonhumans) and you are making sweeping "humans suck, why would I ever want to be human, all humans do is kill the planet" statements in the presence of people included in those statements, which is insanely rude (and no, you don't get to "but you're different because you're nonhuman" me! you do not get to decide to ignore half of who I am because you don't like it, you do not get to decide I'm not "really" human, and also see the previous bullet point). this goes doubly if you're in a space like a DIscord server where people have expressly stated they're not comfortable being tacitly included in statements like that

saying "but I don't REALLY mean all humans, I just mean the specific ones at fault!" after the fact does not actually change anything if every other thing you say is constantly "humans humans humans" and not the group you're actually referring to, or at the very least doesn't change how it reads to everyone around you

#otherkin #misanthropy #rani talks #rani is biting today sorry #if you want me to dial it back and explain any of this in a calmer tone please ask i will be happy to do so #i'm just. aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa #sick and fucking tired of seeing 'humans bad' in the otherkin community on a regular basis. ITS ME. IM HUMANS. STOP IT #it's not a constructive mindset!! it's not!! there's no constructive conclusion that can come out of misanthropy as a core philosophy!#all it can lead to is either 'nothing is fixable' which is a recipe for depression #or 'humans should be exterminated' which is GENOCIDAL #and it's fucking ALWAYS accompanied by 'but i'm better because i'm [x] instead har har har' No The Fuck You Are Not #you participate in society exactly the same way a human would #you are exactly as responsible for the effects of humanity on the world as anyone else around you #which is to say not very fucking much!#anyway /tag rant i'm hitting post before i think better of this one

375 notes · View notes

multi-lefaiye · 2 months

Text

not sure who might need to hear this or if it's just me that needs to, but i've had this thought for a bit and i wanna write it out

you are not a machine that exists to make art. you are a human being, and human beings need rest and breaks.

creative block happens. it's natural, and embracing it as part of the process is far better in the long run than stressing out over it.

we live in a world that emphasizes productivity above all else and needing to Make Something, but truly it is not the end of the world if you're not productive 24/7.

#multi makes text posts #also. even machines need breaks sometimes #nothing can run at 100% all the time #speaking for myself here #i get really antsy and irritable when i haven't done any art for a bit #it stresses me out. like a lot.#so like. I Get It. trust me i really do #and the same applies for writing; but it's a lot more pronounced with art #it's a hard mindset to escape. i am VERY aware of that #but idk. productivity isn't the end all be all of creating #and i wish that mindset wasn't so pushed a lot of the time

124 notes · View notes

phosphophylight-of-my-life · 10 months

Text

oshi no ko aqua is such a fun character bc by most counts he's a more than decent guy.

in his first life he regularly visited hospital inpatients who had no visitors. he was genuinely happy and excited to help Ai deliver her babies, because he wants her to be happy on her own terms. he saves Akane simply because he can, and gets angry at the staff on her behalf. he doesn't stop at saving her life and spends sleepless nights turning around her public image. at that point there was nothing in it for him to keep akane around, she was just a person he was able to help and wanted to help.

by most counts he's a pretty decent guy who steps up when people need him most, except. except he's also a guy who really wants to kill his dad and that makes him manipulate people somewhat often and this is somehow not entirely at odds with his instinct to help others

#oshi no ko #like he's a doctor i can rly respect yknow #except for the patricide thing #gorou said do no harm unless it's my dad #also the way that gorou regularly visit patients is something SARINA has to tell the audience and not gorou #bc to gorou is nothing worth mentioning #for quite a while i was like man gorou is kind of sleazy for only visiting sarina esp when she's so young and vulnerable #but he visits the others also... sarina was just the most special patient to him because she introduced him to ai and also #because she was a kid whose parents never showed up #also SPOILERS FOR LIKE CH90+ OR SMTHING BELOW #the way aqua doesnt let akane dirty her hands like ok aqua we get it you want the best for everyone who isnt your dad #wipes tear someone get him therapy hes a decent guy who's ruining his life #also the way he is conscious of how he's playing w akane's feelings and tries very hard to be honest with her and to do her right #like sigh okay aqua i GUESS i cant hate you #and that one ghosting kana arc where i wanted to beat him up and then he was like i dont want to drag kana into this & he looked terrified #like SIGH. OKAY. FINE AQUA i cant hate you after all #like apart from the patricide (which is big know) the biggest downside to his personality is how cold he is #he pushes ppl away all the time and is just borderline rude #but like idk i feel like thats a byproduct of his 'i plan to go to jail for patricide and dont want to drag others down' mindset #which is like... well. you can't hate him for that.. he's looking out for others in his own way

264 notes · View notes

seonghwacore · 6 days

Text

be real honest. which member of your favorite group whose personality is actually similar to you? are they your bias or not?

#ann.txt #ive been curious about this #esp to atinys but i think people from other fandoms might see and want to share too #in my case my personality is the closest to mingi hongjoong and scoups (with less $$$)#mingi mainly cus of his thinking framework and bluntness constantly talking abt world economy whatsoever 😂#his “cost-benefit” mindset is strong and its shown? but it doesnt make him cold or careless abt his friends #and you know what else is strong in him? his simpness for yunho. boi doesnt have anything bad abt him he has his name in his head 25/8 #i think if i have my own “yunho” person i'll have nothing in my head but them too #i think if hes just a clerical worker or avg uni student hed do a good job in business or any job/study thats data driven?#hongjoong and coups. assertive yet open to feedbacks. they treat it as opportunity to improve and reach out wider audiences #while attentive to their members their works the top priority. if they can work then why sleep #be the $$$ daddies 🤑#just in real life yet tricky in games 🤪 but sometimes im also a fool like mingi 🤪🤪🤪#and nope theyre not my bias but its amazing to know you gentlemen 🤝#PLUS THEYRE ALL BIG BABIES MAXIMUM OF 5 YEARS OLD #I AM 5

34 notes · View notes

sanddollarpoems · 26 days

Text

Upon the rubble

The unmarked grave

Of the unknown

Their lives and deaths

Seemingly so meaningless

That they barely made a sound

Caught up in survival

Unable to rise

Restrained from life

A cut-off cry

Beneath the rubble.

#sanddollarpoems #spilled ink #poem #poetry #quick write #how can anyone justify casualties as if they are nothing?#how can human life become so cheap #isn't this the mindset that led to all the most horrific tragedies of humanity?

39 notes · View notes

jeanmoreauss · 16 days

Text

honestly the implication with what we know of Jeremy's home life thus far that not only is his personality not an act but that he actively chooses to be good despite being in a family where he goes out of his way to avoid his brother because the two can't see each other without conflict, where his sister won't attend his games and is mad at him for sticking with exy, and he still chooses to pursue the things he loves and do good things and be the kindest person he can be despite not being perfect and living in a house full people who seem to hate it is just such a wonderful part of his character

#obviously he hasn't been as fucked up as Jean but Jeremy is in a position i feel where because it's “not that bad” it'd be so much easier to #just fall into whatever mindset the rest of his family has and instead he does the opposite #maybe this is just me yapping maybe this is nothing #but i truly don't want anything to take away from the fact that Jeremy is “too good”#i just want that to be him and i want that to be the person he's chosen to be and works to be everyday #there doesn't need to be something secretly wrong with him #we already know he's not perfect but he's trying #and i'm sure we'll get more in depth on this in tsc2 but i already think it's so excellent #i truly think we've seen the most authentic jeremy #because clearly he views his home to actually be the trojans and cat and laila's place and his friends #and i think we'll see more of him and his behavior with his family but i do think we actually know a lot about his character despite not #knowing a lot about his situation and his past #tsc #tsc spoilers #the sunshine court #all for the game #aftg #jeremy knox

27 notes · View notes

taegularities · 7 months

Text

some men are textbook villains fr

#tw religion?#kinda need to rant.. kinda wanna explain what's going on #some ppl are part of humanity but don't know how to be humane... like the guy i started talking to almost 2 weeks ago #liked him a lot bc he was funny sickeningly sweet mature and understanding.. until he was not #tl dr version is that we somehow drifted to the topic religion and i told him im not too religious and don't believe in superstition much #i was extremely respectful and even when he said that he does believe a lot i was like 'thats cool!! different people believe in different #things!!' and at first it was a normal convo until man went all psycho on me (after one damn week!!!) and started talking about how #id have to be religious in a relationship with him.. my dude i barely know your fav food can we not talk about relationships yet #but he says he doesn't even need a woman who cooks/cleans just someone who believes.. n im like i get it but i can't change myself like that #and then guy moves to marriage and is all 'well my entire family is religious' n my mom and sister (who's 16) would be putting pressure on #you n force you to pray etc.. and I'm like???? who can force anyone to a thing like that are u kidding #things escalate and my absolute STUPID ass tells him about my deepest fkn trauma to explain what made me abandon religion bc #life just never got better and this trauma remained for yrs... and he gets so angry that he says he wants to stop talking to me just to spam #me all day next day.. he'd keep messaging me switching between 'i still want you we shouldn't throw this away i have feelings for you'#AFTER A WEEEEEEKKKK!!! and then goes back to 'i wasted my time with you you were so unnecessary im in a bad mood bc of you'#even said 'you'll never find a guy with a trauma and mindset like this. i will find a religious girl but no one will love you like that'#and the worst thing is that he told his friends and mom about the trauma i had just to spite me.. note that he promised to never tell anyone #(and then still asked for forgiveness and for me to rethink whether we want to end this after telling me 473626x he wanted to end it)#(nothing even ever started you bitchass)#also note that his mom knows my mom n basically most of my relatives.. so i was here trembling for days fearing they'd get to know about it #mom somehow convinced her to not tell anyone bc it's important to me and very very fucking personal..#but he harassed me all day - i wouldn't answer and he'd send 55 messages.. multiple missed calls like dude i got so fkn scared #my heart jumped whenever he texted he was so fkn aggressive and SO MEAN #'you just needed to adjust and we would've been okay' 'tell me are u gonna fkn be religious or not????' 'you ruined everything' kinda mean #i just :') it was the worst time and i don't think i've ever seen someone degrade me so much or make me feel this defective #but.. it's finally over. his mom called my mom and mine was like pls teach him some manners.. n since i couldn't and wouldn't text him back #and literally avoided whatsapp bc of him she ended it all for me and now it's hopefully done forever #anyway i saw jks gcf performance yday n him singing still with you put a genuine smile on my face.. ill stick to THAT boyfriend honestly lol #def gonna delete later #but ty for reading if u did <3

66 notes · View notes

swordheld · 8 months

Note

how do you think in poems? i really enjoy the tags under your posts i've always wanted to write down my own thoughts that way bc in my head they feel so thorough and magical but whenever i put it in words i feel it just gets so much flatter and i no longer see a point and give up

oh oh oh, but lovely, can't you see that you've already started? it's a perspective that you hone, over time, something that is specific to you and you alone – that's the piece of it that makes it so special! you've already begun, and it only goes forward, up, sideways from here, wherever you wish to go!

think of it like a skill, for a moment, or a kind of muscle, if you'd prefer. you have to work at it, with it, over time and differing experiences, in order to progress.

(a quick important note: not progression as in the kind of quality-check of a grading scale, but progression as in evolution. shifting change. think of the leaves and their colors across the months of autumn, or temperatures rising with the sun and cooling with the evening dark. change isn't intrinsically a qualifying thing, it can just be, sometimes. this is difficult to remember, especially in the midst of frustration, but it is worth it. you are always doing better than you think you are – harshest critic, and all that.)

which is not to say that it's a simple thing to do! compare this to the vibe of me picking up crochet recently, with my shaking hands and too-quickly dwindling adhd focus – my first attempts at making a lil headphone sprout have not been going as well as i once hoped. my stitches are either too big and sloppy bc i'm not holding the yarn tightly enough to get clean ones, or i feel frustrated due to it not looking like how i'd like it to look in my mind when i started it, or even as i begin my umpteenth attempt.

but!! i know that it won't ever look the way i want it do if i set it down and never keep trying. it'll take awhile, like everything does, even the seasons take their time, the moon and its phases; but what i do know, is that, eventually, it'll resemble something i want it to. vaguely, maybe, but it is something. it doesn't have to look exactly like the guide i'm following, or the examples i'm inspired by, because it's mine – something made by my own hands, my own time and experience with every mistake and thrilling joy along the way to learn by.

take it from me: i want to be good at things i want to be good at so badly. and that excitement makes me want to be at the skill level i need to be at in order to do so right then and there, no learning curves or building blocks allowed. which is never how it happens, unfortunately, but –

i think, gently, that we tend to overlook what a pleasure it is to learn. to see the slow progression of things, to begin and change and continue and get better. and even if it's different as we go along, in a way it's our own little kind of magic, maybe, to create and never be done if we don't want to be.

which is all to say: it's already yours. why does it have to be anything else, anything more? why can't it just be good as it is now, where it might never be again? what is there to lose by enjoying the moment of where you are?

like everything, it will grow and shift and evolve with time, maybe into something you'd hoped for, or maybe into something you don't even have the words to describe right now at all. but that's the fun of it: how even now, even then, there, across time and distance and skill, there is a common thread of things; it will always come from your heart, your experience, where you are right then and there and now.

and if you think of that like magic, well, it becomes a little like magic, doesn't it?

also, something to consider: sometimes things you feel or think can't be put into words at that moment, or even at all! something else you could try (that i certainly do) is making something else with whatever it makes you feel - whether that's another form of art, or any other kind of media. if it makes you want to go outside and take a walk or get cozy and read or play a video game? that counts too! that's still an experience, you're still feeling.

i think that counts a little more than anything else, you know?

and as a little ending fun side-note, can i share something cool? i've never thought of it that way before, as thinking in poems. in my mind it's always been a kind of perspective of personal wonder, but you're right – it's poetry, in it's own way. you gave me that – so thank you, from the heart of me. i hope your journey finds you with every bright joy.

#rainsdowninkerala #q&a.#this is truly so much longer than i had originally thought it would be so i do hope it's less rambly and more help-y?#the art of creation goes hand in hand with the exploration and discovery of feeling and it is sooooo important n fascinating to me.#truly tho this can all be boiled down into a kind of: keep going? keep going. you can only get better.#i didn't want the post itself to get even longer & winded BUT if you want a lil fun vibe? watch meet the robinsons. it's a lil silly; but -#truly nothing changed my creative experiences more than hearing ' keep moving forward ' paired with joy at the result of failure.#how it is that you never learn if you don't fail; you have to keep trying; keep going at it; and if we only ever succeeded –#there would never be that? that checkpoint of progression? it changed that frustrating moment into a kind of art; for me.#how each time i fail and feel that sadness or anger it reframes it into oh. i'm learning. i'm doing something new and i'm learning.#isn't that amazing? spectacular? that i can do this? that it's me / you / us together?#i think ab that a lot in terms of inspiring my mindset. i hope it helps you too. wishing u all my best !!!! <3

130 notes · View notes

spunkykirby · 26 days

Text

Why do weirdos in the fandom rant that Zhongli doesn't have the right to or deserve to be selfish after sacrificing and giving to the greater good and many others for literally thousands of years...

#these are the same people who rant and rave about certain characters having the right to harbor a deep hatred towards a certain group who #personally had very little if not nothing to do with that characters' predicament. esp in the intentional sense #you'd think after furina they'd learn and be more open minded to this type of thing but nah #and the fact this mindset stems from a certain demographic...does not surprise me at all #Zhongli #genshin #genshin impact #morax

22 notes · View notes

romanticatheartt · 2 months

Text

Sjm has the potential of making me feel whatever I felt with Feysand, with Gwynriel...

I just know their stories can be so healing and inspiring like Feysand<3

#They won't top Feysand #At this point nothing can top Feysand for me I'm afraid #But my God wouldn't their story be angsty & heart-warming & sexy #With all the headcanons and theories I've seen so far?#Yeah I see beautiful visions #feysand #gwynriel #But I'm not that optimistic #Every Sjm releases after cc1 has been like 📉#Idk if anyone else feels that way too...#So like what MJ said:#“If you expect disappointment then you can never really get disappointed.”#From now on I have this mindset toward sjm books lol #pro gwynriel

33 notes · View notes

a-blip-of-billdip · 4 months

Text

au/headcanon/???

Dipper would, or should, play the violin.

the violin is one of the hardest instruments to master and requires unbelievable dedication, you need to practice every day for a significant period of time. like, you need to. or else you will not be good.

and, a lot of violin accompanying pieces are for piano.They just sound perfect together

#dipper pines #gravity falls headcanon #billdip #if you squint #but no seriouslyyy bills already got the piano #the brass/wind instrument dipper plays in the shorts is really funny and does fit with his character #i feel like in a certain au he would absolutely go all in on violin #hes the type of guy who is all or nothing #either he hyperfixates to the point of death or he doesnt acknowledge it at all #and that is the exact mindset you need for violin

28 notes · View notes

cream-and-tea · 1 month

Text

pallas in book one is definitely at it-cannot-possibly-get-worse-than-this ABSOLUTE rock bottom but god. there is such a specific flavour to their despair in book two that only happens because of the realization they have at the end of lay me down. like. how do you move on after admitting that everything you believed in was a lie. how do you live with what you’ve done (with what has been done to you). is it possible to pull yourself up out of the pit you’ve dug. what do you do if it isn’t. what do you do if it IS. and once you look at the damage how do you stop looking. past the first layer of hurt there’s just more and more hurt and you were used by the one person who was supposed to keep you safe to cause even MORE pain and no matter how deep you go none of it means anything! it never meant anything at all!! motherfucker your worst sin is that you have destroyed and betrayed yourself for NOTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

#pallas’s whole arc in the first book is getting to the point where they go ‘maybe i? feel bad about all this?? actually???’#i cannot overstate enough that it takes an entire book to get them to that point lmao #and then it’s like. newsflash buddy now you’ve gotta DEAL with that #it really is the mental equivalent of getting into a hot bath of after being out in the cold for a whole day #and the interesting thing about pallas in the first book and their status as a villian and like. their eventual ‘oh SHIT’ moment #is that pallas doesn’t need to realize that they’re a bad person doing bad things #pallas is VERY aware that they are a bad person doing bad things #it’s actually more about realizing the harm that’s been done to them? like as a human being??#bc they very much have the attitude of ‘well of course i’m doing bad things i was born as an inherently evil person there’s nothing else #i’m capable of doing the most i can hope for is that someone points me in the right direction and i’ll be able to do the hard things #that other people cannot (and SHOULD NOT) do’#so THATS the mindset that needs to be unlearned before they can start moving forward? if that makes sense?#less ‘shit are we the baddies?’ and more ‘shit have i been horrifically abused?’#but then after that realization all the blood they’ve spilled is still there. and they should never have had to do that. no one should ever #have to do that. but they did and now they’re starting to see the full extent of what that means #and they have to find a way to live with it.#and it’s absolutely DEVASTATING.#wip: ghost story #pallas #i’ve been working on the book two outline. if you couldn’t tell. head in absolute hands rn.

12 notes · View notes

synthaphone · 6 months

Text

im tired

the stuff happening in moderneo is indicative of a trend i've been seeing in neoclone art contribution, which is that artists who come in to work on pet colors often clash because they're coming from two majorly different viewpoints:

its for fun so don't take it too seriously and just be creative- if the site runner likes it then its good to go

its for a website that's seeking to recreate the neopets experience, so we should strive for the art we make to match the existing art in style and quality

neither of these are incorrect approaches for a volunteer collaborative project, and i think its up to the people in charge of each respective neoclone to clearly establish which of these ways they want their art team to approach the pet colors, in order to prevent conflict i'm definitely in the latter camp, and have also been called a bully on a couple different occasions for offering gentle critique. seeing very level headed and reasonable points be reacted to as though they're evil bullying makes me want to spontaneously combust. sometimes, on a collaborative project, you'll end up feeling bad when you receive critique or pushback on an idea you had. and that feeling sucks!!! but that doesn't mean that the people who gave you the critique were bullies. seeing professional artists get treated like dangerous cruel people for approaching a project like professionals makes me feel insane.

like okay, if its not a professional project and the more 'anything goes' atmosphere is whats wanted, then fine!! but you have to make that clear- and even IF that's the goal, i think its unreasonable and immature of any participating artist to demand zero critical feedback on the designs that they're submitting to the website for everyone to be able to adopt. also, if the project isn't going to be approached like its professional work, you can't expect consistent professional quality artwork, because you cannot get that from an environment that doesn't allow for critique or style direction

#i need a text post tag #also why join a collaborative project submitting art for a site everyone will use #if you get really upset at critique?#i don't understand why people don't realize how selfish that comes off?#making art for yourself? hell yeah go wild. making art for a pet site?? you have to be open to other people having opinions #especially because if you're making the Darigan Aisha or whatever; that's it! that's THE Darigan Aisha!!!#so i think its fair for other artists and users on the site to be able to offer SOME amount of input as to what that should be #like obviously if you go too far with this mindset #nothing gets done and every idea gets vetoed. that sucks too #but imagine if i waltzed in like 'hi guys. what if all future toy neopets were classic wooden nutcrackers'#and then started making nutcracker neopets at an incredible speed #and then got upset that people were like 'wait this doesn't make sense' or 'i don't like this idea'. i don't think that would be fair of me #it shouldn't just be for you and your own desires and ego!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

26 notes · View notes

quarantineddreamer · 9 months

Note

Hi, idk if you're doing the ask game still but if you are, could we get rebelcaptain for number eight?

Hi, anon, thank you so much for the ask 💜 Confession? I read the prompt wrong a bit wrong and got through this whole thing before realizing it was things you said when you were crying 😬 but I'm going to argue that in this they both cry at points, so I hope you'll forgive me my error (and I really hope you like it!!)

things you said when you were crying

It took all of Cassian’s concentration to command his left foot forward, hands gripping the bars on either side of him so hard it hurt–though not nearly as badly as the rest of him.

Every muscle in his body was on fire, every bone sharply aching.

Not even ten minutes into today’s session of physical therapy and he was drenched in sweat, hair plastered to his forehead, shirt stuck to his chest, the salty taste of it on his lips, stinging his eyes. While he glared down at his feet, a large bead of it–containing all the grace of a raindrop and none of the beauty–dragged down his nose and fell to the floor.

The next step hurt just as bad as the last, and the one after that took twice as long and left him trembling, teeth practically rattling from the effort.

But he was determined, eager to heal. The Rebellion needed him. Already he felt like he’d been away for too long. Months spent in and out of surgery, in and out of consciousness, he refused to let any more time go to waste.

Cassian squeezed his eyes shut for a moment, fighting a wave of exhaustion, pain, and nausea that threatened to drown him; they were sensations he had grappled with more times than not since Scarif, and he had quickly learned that each was tortuous in their one unique way.

“Take a break if you need to, Captain,” the medic told him. “You have a long journey ahead, so pace yourself.”

Screw that. He opened his eyes again and, biting back a shout, forced his foot forward again.

But the toe of his shoe slid in a pool of sweat–all of his own making–sending his leg sliding out from under him. He tried to catch himself with his arms–to brace his weight on the bars framing either side of him–but his palms were too slick, making his grip precarious, and he crashed to the floor, the intense agony of his injuries hitting him all over again.

“FUCK!” he shouted, because what else was there to say when you could remember taking down stormtroopers without so much as a blink and now a single step had turned you into a humiliated tangle of limbs, sprawled across the ground.

Fighting for breath, he used what little energy he had remaining to reach up to the bar above his head and pull himself upright, clumsily positioning his back against the wall.

But following that act, he had nothing left with which to defend himself against the frustration, the hurt, the fear that fell upon him, predators on wounded prey–devouring, consuming–until he’d forgotten himself entirely and all he knew was the dark wash of anguish tearing him to shreds from the inside out.

“Cassian, Cassian.” A hand caught his own midair, preventing him from smashing the floor with his fist again.

The touch grounded him, bringing reality surging back to his frayed mind–he found himself wishing it had left him alone.

No…not now. He didn’t want her to see him like this. Couldn’t bear the look of disappointment he expected to find on her face. “Jyn…” He caught her knees on the floor beside him out of the corner of his vision, made himself look up at her, her image swimming before him.

“Let me–”

“What the hell are you doing here?” He tore his arm free from her hand.

“I came to check on you, I wanted to–”

Cassian did all he could to turn away from her. “Don’t,” he said sharply, loathing the tears that were cutting lines down his cheeks.

Before Scarif he had been better than this at controlling his emotions, hiding them from others, but the regiment of medications he was on created a fog so thick he discovered his own thoughts betraying him all the time. If it wasn’t his short-term memory in shambles, it was his temper–forcing everything to be felt with a heightened sensitivity. The perfect storm of conditions under which he was dealing with perhaps the greatest challenge of his life.

It was hell.

“Will you please look at me?”

“Leave, Jyn. You don’t have to be here, this isn’t your problem. Leave.” His head fell back against the wall and he watched as Jyn’s face darkened, her fingers curling into tight fists where they rested over her thighs.

“Is that what you really want?” she asked quietly, fixing him with a hard stare.

No… A strand of her dark hair was hanging across her face and he wanted to push it back–maybe would have if he’d possessed the strength to do so. Force, her eyes were beautiful.

He was on the floor crying from pain and exhaustion; what must she think of him? Weak, pathetic.Yes, yes I want you to leave…

But she wasn’t looking at him like that, no, he wasn’t quite sure what her expression was saying, but it wasn’t that. I don’t know…

“What if I told you I’m not going anywhere?” Jyn murmured, reaching a hand tentatively towards his face, wiping a tear from his cheek with surprising gentleness. She caught his eyes again, still waiting to see if he would offer a reply.

“I’d say it’s just like you not to listen,” he finally sighed.

“It does sound like me doesn’t it?” she teased, lips briefly twitching upward. But her voice was serious, expression intent, when she said, “Cassian, why are you asking me to leave?”

I don’t deserve this… I don’t deserve you… At his best he’d been a mess–so used to playing whatever part the Rebellion needed that he’d half-forgotten himself–what could he possibly offer her or anyone else now? It wasn’t clear yet if he’d ever be able to walk well again, much less run or fight. He would only slow her down, burden her–and Jyn had carried enough in her life as it was without adding his weight to the equation.

But Cassian didn’t know how to put those thoughts into words–or maybe it was that his voice was betraying him as much as he felt his body was–so he just shook his head, looked across the room to where the medic was standing in the distance, awkwardly trying their best not to encroach despite the need to hover.

“I’ve pushed people away before,” Jyn said softly, pulling his gaze back to her face. “Usually when I needed them most… I did it before they could do it to me, because I thought that’s how it always went, that there was no other way that life could go.” Her hand returned to the side of his face, thumb gently brushing over his cheek. “But it’s not like that with you… I said horrible things to you on Eaudu, but afterwards, when I needed you, there you were.”

“This isn’t like that,” Cassian murmured.

“Isn’t it?”

“You can’t help me with this, I might not get better. And then what?” his voice broke on the question, the first time he’d dared to voice the possibility aloud. If he considered the notion for too long he thought it might take life, form the shape of a black hole, a yawning void that would threaten to swallow him alive. Where would I go? What would I do? What now?

Jyn blinked at him. “You think that’s a reason for me to abandon you?”

“I’m not the person I was–I might never be again.”

“Neither am I,” she replied fiercely. “Neither is Chirrut or Baze or Bodhi–any of us. How can we be? After everything we went through? And besides, it’s not the first time any of us have changed–I know you know that. ” He opened his mouth to speak but she held up her hand. “No, listen. I know you’re going to say it’s not the same, and you’re right, it’s not. This is a big change, a hard change. None of it was your choice, and I can’t even begin to understand what you’re going through.

“But if you’re trying to tell me that your ability to ‘get better’ is what determines your worthiness? I’m going to…” she took a deep breath, “to have to fight very hard not to strangle you, because whether or not you know this right now, you're worthy no matter what happens next.

“However you have to show up each day, however you’re feeling, the good, the bad, I’m with you. Same as…same as I know you’d be for me.” She cleared her throat, blinked back a watery shine that had fallen over her eyes. “Okay?”

He leaned his head into her palm. “Okay,” he breathed, because even though he knew he might not believe it tomorrow, he believed it for the moment–and he had a feeling if and when he changed his mind, Jyn would do all she could to bring that belief back.

She wiped her tears from her eyes and offered her hands to him, “Can I help you?”

It still wasn’t easy. He still felt some embarrassment, he still held anger and frustration for it all. He still hurt…

But together, they slowly rose to their feet.

#rebelcaptain #rebelcaptain fanfic #b writes #ask b anything #jyn x cassian #this one is long enough im just tagging it as a fic buuut i did write in a drabble mindset #i hope i did this alright tried to draw from my own experience but i know it is a tricky subject #and one in which perspectives and experiences are almost all unique to individuals #okay here goes nothing

41 notes · View notes