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kiwi-lizard-overlord · 1 year

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I'm currently been obsessing over Clangen and I have created four clans to play that all live in the same area and have connected stories!!!

Welcome to Dampclan! ------------------------------------------------

Basic summery: Dampclan is the smallest clan at The Edge of The World, they live in a once beautiful cave that is situated next to the lowest camp of Bluffclan, sharing a border with them and Morningclan. Their camp is marked by a large oak tree protruding from the ground and at the base of it there is a small hole that leads down into the decent sized cave. From the far south portion of the wall there is a stream that runs into the camp and flows through in a small lake in a dip in the rocks that eventually leads to another small hole, though no cat goes there because it leads to a steep drop. Because of their dark environment, the cats of Dampclan have very good eyesight and navigation skills.

Lore: Dampclan did not always exist in the form it is in today, back many moons before it used to be known as Mossclan. The clan was much larger at the time and the cave they occupied with filled with greenery and moss, despite all the happiness, Starclan was never happy with them. The medicine cat at the time, Leafjaw, had received an omen of death and starvation sweeping over the clan with her being helpless to do anything. As the leader, Hollystar, and Leafjaw were trying to figure out what to do about the omen, one of their warriors named Maplepond had been visited by a Starclan cat in her dreams. She was told a long wait lays ahead of her and after bringing this up to Leafjaw, the medicine cat believes she must be the one to save the clan. In an order from her leader, Maplepond is told to leave the clan and head for the twoleg fishing place to wait, informing her that she will know when to come back. Scared and alone, the warrior takes some travelling herbs and makes her way over there, meeting many cats in the process who she brings along to stay with her. Some went and more came along as she continued to wait, 100 moons went by before she was visited by the Starclan spirit of her brother, Hatchlight, who showed her the way back to her old home. Now 136 moons old, Maplepond leads a group of loners and former kittypets to what used to be known as Mossclan, now all it was was a barren cave with only reminders that cats had lived there. She names herself as leader of the new clan, goes and recives her nine lives from The Crashing Waters and names the new clan of cats as Dampclan.

Clan Qualities: Unlike the other three clans in the area, since Dampclan is so new that are still establishing their own culture and finding out who they are, separate from the old Mossclan. Due to how the cave was structured, there was nowhere to make proper nests or dens out of and nowhere to dig anything out, therefore Dampclan has began to become known as construction workers. Cats will go up to the surface and drag many things like sticks and branches down to the cave and create walls for dens, using weaving techniques and sap to keep them together. Moss is also commonly used in this clan as the roofs of dens since there is no need for much protection from things above but also as coats to wear while in camp. The cats wear long coats of moss that are fashioned to stay on their bodies and keep them warm while in the cave and especially in cold months, the cats also decorate the coats with whatever they would like to differentiate them. The moss coats are also traded with Bluffclan for goods that can only be obtained on the mountain, seeing as that clan needs to keep warm as well.

Clan Relations: Onionclan - Good friends! The clans are quite close as they are both made up of previous non-clan cats. Bluffclan - Uneasy alliance. It's a general rule that you don't want to get on Bluffclan's bad side, they are the biggest clan in the forest and even being neutral towards them is for the best. Morningclan - Enemies. Though Bigstar, the leader of Morningclan, is trying to develop an allience with Dampclan, most of the cats in the clan itself hold distain for Dampclan and state that Maplestar should have never come back.

Event tidbits: Seedstalk was never meant to become a medicine cat, being apprenticed to the previous medicine cat, Brightspirit, one moon before she was meant to be made a warrior. The reason she was assigned to be one is because a lot of cats were getting injured early on in the development of the clan and it was too much for Brightspirit to handle. This infuriated the medicine cat, putting his hatred towards Seedpaw and her become distant with him, even though they shared the medicine den. Brightspirit died of whitecough after refusing to let the two medicine cats see him and Seedstalk did not mourn his death.

Whisperpaw is a very odd cat among the clan, the first cat from outside to be brought in after the clan was established. Brightspirit had found her as a kit next to her dead mother and siblings, she was the only kit who managed to survive from the litter and was brought back to the clan. Later on when she was at her apprentice ceremony, after touching noses with her mentor, Curlshell, he proceeds to fall over and die due to a leg wound he had received a couple of moons back that had become infected. This lead to cats being wary of Whisperpaw and thinking she was cursed, Maplestar taking her under her wing.

Applespot wasn't the first deputy of Dampclan, the previous deputy had been a cat by the name of Ermineheart. She was very popular in the clan and was very close with Maplestar, them having been friends while the leader was waiting for a sign to come back. In an unfortunate turn of events, she was picked up by some hiking twolegs while out on a hunting patrol and was taken off with them. Maplestar held out hope that she would come back and only appointed Applespot as being the new deputy after they receive word from Onionclan that her body was found not far outside of their territory. She did not leave without ripple effects however, when Maplestar had a litter of two kits, she named one of them Erminekit after her old friend.

Applespot actually has two adopted children named Leopardclaw and Rabbitflower. They were found near the edge of their territory without a mother in sight and were brought back to the clan, the ginger tom then took them in. They have grown up in the clan not knowing they are of kittypet origin, Leopardclaw always being more skilled than her sibling and constantly showing them up no matter what it was. Rabbitflower is resentful of their sister, wishing they could be leader one day to finally be out of her shadow. (Rabbitflower and Leopardclaw pictured below)

Another cat I have not shown above is one of the newer cats of the clan, Rockstep. He was a former kittypet named Rumble and he is a shameless senior warrior who acts as the main construction worker for the clan and the local emotional support dad. He likes to gossip with Seedstalk about clan drama and is one of the oldest cats in the clan.

Condorheart came to the clan as a medicine cat seeking refuge from the harsh weather of leaf-bare. He was recognized very easily as being one of the three medicine cats (at the time) of Bluffclan and when questioned why he had left, he talks vaguely about a horrible tragedy that he could not bare to face. The clan accepted him in under the condition of becoming one of their medicine cats since Brightspirit was getting old, he accepted but requested to never attend gatherings and keep his place in the clan a secret.

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I really hope you guys enjoyed this!! The other three clans listed here are also clangen saves I have going with just as much story, if not more than Dampclan. I want to make lots of art of these guys and expand on the story more over time.

#my art #clangen #clangen oc #warrior cats #wc #warrior cats oc #wc oc #wc oc clan #Whisperpaw is the main character of this clan in my head btw #Rabbitflower may become a villain but we will see #Dewsight possibly too

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alsopartgekkos · 1 year

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A Sallow Grave - what did go wrong and why

So, a try to delve a bit into the whole quest situation, because for one I love trying to analyse stuff, and Seb has some unearthing of his sallow ass to do. Buckle up.

Spoilers for Sebastian Sallow’s questline, mentions of death, psychological abuse and just general rumblings in no particular order.

Part one of idk how many.

And for a start probably I need to say, that nothing in that questline was okay. And though I do not agree with Sebastian's actions, it’s interesting to see how everything led to this exact outcome, and how he is, undoubtedly, more a result of his upbringing and problematic teenagehood, rather than was inclined or destined to something inherently.

So let's start up with early childhood, shall we?

Little is known about the twins in earlier years, but they were raised in a full family, and their parents were described as passionate academics, passing thirst for knowledge and optimistic, open minded mindset to their children. It’s noted that they would spend days in the cellar, probably often leaving both Sebastian and Anne to themselves, which undoubtedly resulted in a strong bond between the two. Even years later for Sebastian it's never only just “my sister”, he underlines multiple times that Ann is his twin, the other missing half.

However tragic events come to pass, and due incident Mr. and Ms. Sallow are gone, and since it’s noted that usually children with magical ability exhibit it by the age of seven, the twins could’ve been between age 5 to 7, where children undergo most important psychological development. They were left on their own, just the two of them, Sebastian subconsciously later opting the role of a fatherly figure, a protector, probably the elder twin. They also left their home - the place holding happiest memories, for Feldcroft and living with their uncle.

Let us not actually forget that technically, and by Victorian standards no less, both Anne and Sebastian are orphans. Yes, they live with Solomon and he does provide for them, but they are perceived as two different entities altogether. There’s Solomon Sallow, separately, and there are the twins, and although it is never truly stated or hinted whenever wizards had different, more prodigious social structure, Sebastian and Solomon do verbally differentiate between the family. And they’re lucky in a way, because staying with close family is still better than any other sort of a magical orphanage.

The trick is, though, that Solomon as a person, probably was not ready for what he was dealing with, nor has the qualities of a child caretaker. He’s a former Auror: sure, providing safety for two kids, but he’s a battle worn veteran, who gave up the work of his life, plagued by his own wrongdoings [and not having luxury of therapy, let’s be honest], possibly troubled feelings against his brother and most likely PTSD in the form of rage fits. Which is no good thing for a child to be around.

[Enter the fanon territory, following by the post here, I do think there was some sort of sibling rivalry between Solomon and his brother, and I think that he was to a degree enamoured with the twins' mother. It’s really easy to spot in their conversations, that being “his father’s son” is his own trauma projected into a child, whilst Sebastian can’t comprehend why it’s a bad thing. For him father is a happy memory and a role model, this bright inquisitive mind. For Solomon his brother is, probably, an example of passion going too far, of obsession, his own lost opportunities. And he sees Sebastian growing to be just the same, even before Anne is cursed he’d been this way, so I assume there’s something going on there. Besides well asserting dominance in the household, bc somebody didn’t live well though Aedipus complex I guess.]

Being tasked with bringing up two kids isn’t easy even for a full family, let alone a man with issues, so we start at that. And before Hogwarts became an outlet for both Sebastian and Anne, about 5 years passed, where both of them were mostly formed as people.

We can assume from what both Anne and Sebastian tell, the relationship with their uncle has always been tense. And it’s easy to see why except for the above.

In the scene where he destroys a Shivelfig he is the one to get verbally aggressive first, and when blames his own outburst and Anne’s following seizure to be Sebastian’s fault. And something tells me that’s not the first time such an argument arises. [As Anne mentions below]

It’s certainly a gaslighting tactic to justify himself [Seb and his uncle have lots in common haven't they sometimes]. And that “what have you done” rhetoric stays with his uncle for the rest of the narrative, and is ultimately a poor communication method. He also intrudes in their safe moment of connection, overseeing the conversation, not to mention that he intrudes in their personal space with little regard to understand what happens [not even minding MC as a matter of fact].

After a shot argument he practically sends Sebastian, who only arrived, off, perfectly knowing what kind of bond the siblings have. It is a cruel thing to do, no matter how well justified. And acts with utter nerve as if nothing happened, casually dismissing MC in the conversation, getting quickly frustrated if their point of view does not align with his. It’s something many have experienced with a strict [and often unloving] parent. Not to mention he apologises on behalf of his nephew for some reason, not on his own, like sir you were rude.

[an interesting tidbit: he’s not looking at Sebastian. He’s looking straight at Anne, as if to make sure she understands that she shall not hope for the best and accept his better judgement as the only outcome. As Sebastian says “she’s not herself” ever since she stayed with Solomon, and if that isn’t a red flag well idk.]

And if you look at Sebastian [actually two times, second being with the relic], he’s absolutely helpless. His tantrums and his anger is not the first reaction to aggression. It’s fear. He watches hopelessly, brows raised and ashamed, how his uncle turns his achievements, his work into nothingness and he does not respond back immediately. [Which can be another form of response to domestic abuse] Because there’s still a child there, who is listening to what is said to him. And it’s absolutely heartbreaking to see.

#sebastian sallow #hogwarts legacy #anne sallow #solomon sallow #sebastian sallow headcanon #if only these two could speak words through their mouths this whole shit could've been avoided #send uncle to therapy

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magical-mistakes-vm · 23 days

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"No worries, Elmar, I have made challenge regarding Mahala. As such, she will come home with me." Balor gave no one time to react before he strode quickly from the room, leaving the others to try and catch up. He was grinning as he made his way down the hall. It was game time.

"The fuck you will," Vollrath replied, and almost jogged after Balor. He grabbed his brother, and brought him to a stop in the hallway. Elmar and Baldur weren't sure if they should step in or just go grab Mahala and run. "She is going nowhere with you."

"So, she does mean something to you?" He'd known it. Baldur had been covering for his brother. Balor broke out laughing, then calmed and leaned towards Vollrath. "She needs away from emotional stress and raw power unrestrained in the air. You're a live wire of both right now, little brother. " Balor tipped his head and raised his brows, waiting for Vollrath to try and argue. “And I still give challenge, so…she is coming home with me.” His grin grew wide.

"She doesn't even know you. After all she's gone through she should either go home alone, or with one of us. Do you really want to inflict Coven politics on her after what you know she’s gone through today? Just to be a complete asshole to me?" Vollrath could not even say why he did not want her alone with Balor other than jealousy. Unlike his two friends, it would not be beneath his brother to sabotage things with Mahala. He was ready to resort to violence to stop his brother.

Balor led a faction of the Coven that leaned towards darker magic. They butted heads regarding this frequently via email, but was one of the reasons it had been so long since a face to face meeting had taken place. Not only could Balor cause a rift between him and Mahala, he could lead her down that path. The thought of either of those made Vollrath’s heart hurt in his chest.

"Let her decide." Balor knew he was playing with fire there, but he also wanted to make sure this was not Stockholm Syndrome or some undue influence. He'd never known Vollrath to do that, but something was definitely off with the whole situation. If nothing was being done to cause her to choose his brother, he would abide by the female’s decision.

Vollrath didn't like it, but he also didn't want to keep fighting with him. "Fine. But what she decides is final." The men shook in agreement.

When the four men made it back to Vollrath’s office, it was clear Mahala was tired and really did need rest. On the walk there, Elmar shared his suspicion that she was still suffering a concussion. While he could force total healing, without knowing exactly what you WERE healing, you could do more harm than good. So he had been mitigating symptoms more than anything and trying to boost her natural healing magic.

"Sweetheart," Vollrath started, and from the beginning she could tell something was wrong, "there is a possibility that you may have a concussion. You shouldn't be alone tonight, and someone needs to keep you awake. So, you have an interesting assortment of warlocks to choose from. Baldur, Elmar, myself, or my brother, Balor. I believe you met earlier."

Mahala looked at all four of them in turn. Was this a joke? Maybe a test? How was she supposed to decide on one of them? After at least a full minute, she sighed heavily and closed her eyes. What had she done to deserve such a day? Maybe this was a hallucination and she had yet to wake up in Vollrath’s arms on his couch. Unfortunately, she wasn’t that lucky.

"I have not totally forgiven Elmar and Baldur for their behavior earlier, " she started as she slowly opened her eyes. Mahala wanted to fall into Vollrath’s arms, to feel his lips on hers again, to talk more as they had the night before. However, he was irritated, and she could feel the same pressure in her head as earlier but not as strong. As the day had worn on, she had learned to differentiate the vibration of each man, and it was Vollrath affecting her currently.

Paying no mind to the others in the room, Mahala walked over till she was right in front of Vollrath. Her hands slightly clasped the lapels of his suit coat. "I need you to trust me. You get jealous and mad after one night spent talking, and I get the migraine from hell from it. You're doing it again." A soft sigh escaped her slightly parted lips as her gaze fell to the middle of his chest.

"Löwin, he's still getting used to you having gotten under his skin." Balor interjected, garnering looks from the other four assembled. "He trusts you, he doesn't trust me." His brows rose as he tipped his head towards his brother with an annoyed smirk that narrowed his eyes slightly.

Mahala looked back and forth confused. She felt like she was being set up by being asked to choose who she was leaving with, and she wasn't liking it. "Then why even offer you as an option? What is going on here?" Vollrath tried to put his hands on her lower back as a sign of affection, but now she pushed him off. "No, I feel pushed and pulled like this is some kind of game, and I don't like it. You're all four fucked up."

Pushing away from Vollrath, Mahala strode quickly from the room, tears streaming down her cheeks. Vollrath quickly followed, not sure what he was going to say to make anything better, but knowing that he couldn’t leave her alone. Her tears were already shredding his heart. Fuck, what did he do now?

Balor was right behind his brother with Baldur on his heels, Elmar bringing up the rear. None of them wanted Mahala alone or upset. It was clear that the day's events, plus the familial issues between the brothers, had brought about a situation that needed handled, and needed handled NOW.

"Mahala, wait." Vollrath lightly touched her arm as he caught up with her in the hall. He didn't want to grab her. She'd been jerked around enough by Jonathan earlier, but he wanted her attention. "I think you misunderstood."

She stopped and spun to face him, upset etched on every part of her face and laced through her voice. "Then explain. Do you trust me? Him? What is going on, Vollrath?" Her eyes searched his face, imploring him to give her an answer that made sense, to ease the ache in her heart and eradicate the feeling she'd been a fool.

He sighed, running his hands lightly over her upper arms. "Yes, I trust you. After all we discussed last night, I would hope you would know that. I also have no reason to demand or expect anything from you." Vollrath stepped closer, still wondering where the foreign feelings of protectiveness and possessiveness came from. "Do I trust Balor to keep you safe and take care of you? Yes. Do I think he'd also tell you one sided truths and try to put me in a bad light? Also yes." One hand rose to cup the side of her face while the other found the small of her back to pull her closer to him. "We already know there is something pulling us together, little witch. I'm sorry if my fumbling of handling it is causing you pain. I don't want that, and I don't want you pushed away."

The other three men had stopped a few feet away. Balor wanted to step in, not to cause his brother problems, but because he had a clearer picture of what was transpiring; and also the complications of who she was. There were things he doubted Vollrath knew, things he needed to if he was to be with Mahala and protect her. Unfortunately, he also knew if he even tried to utter a sentence at the moment, he would most likely end up with a broken jaw courtesy of the brother he’d be trying to help.

"I…I just feel so confused with all that has gone on. Last night with us. Then today here, not only with Baldur and Elmar, but with Jonathan too." As she had earlier, Mahala’s hands gently held the lapels to his suit coat. "I don't understand what is going on. Not with us. Not with your friends. Not with any of this." Her eyes slowly closed as she choked back a half sob. Her heart hurt almost as much as her head.

“My brother is not easy to figure out, Löwin.” Balor said from a distance, he might have decided to interject, but not to get in his brother’s reach. “He’s still trying to figure it out himself, and he’s not the best with patience.” The death glare that Balor was getting would make most men wither, but he was not afraid of Vollrath lashing out at him from a distance. For one thing, his brother knew he was right, also, Vollrath had to be wondering what Balor knew that he didn’t.

“You aren’t helping.” Vollrath’s jaw locked and he closed his eyes, focusing on breathing and not hitting Balor. He would keep following Mahala if she kept trying to run away, but he would prefer not to have to.

“I’m not trying to. I’m trying to let her know what she’s in for. After all, you haven’t been paying attention.” Now Balor was just smug and all four of the others were looking at him quite annoyed. He wasn’t going to share anything any sooner than he had to. Watching his brother trying to figure it out was much more entertaining for him, and currently Vollrath couldn’t be much more frustrated.

Mahala took a breath, pulled away from Vollrath, turned and strode over to Balor quickly. The sound of her hand impacting the side of his face seemed to echo off of the walls of the hallway, as the other three men stood there with eyes widening, Baldur’s jaw actually going slack as well. For his part, Balor looked no less stunned than the others that she had not only challenged him, but physically assaulted him. He might be at least six inches taller than her, but Mahala went toe to toe with Balor and stared directly into his eyes, her face only inches from his. Her chest rose and fell with her breath for a full minute before she spoke as she fought to get control of her own anger, fuck everyone else in the room.

“I honestly don’t give one single fuck what your problem is with your own brother, but if it concerns me then I do. So either spit it out in plain fucking English or get the fuck out of here. I’m losing patience with you and for some reason it seems like the other three in this hallway won’t confront you, so I damn well will.” Her back was straight, her head erect, and she didn’t flinch from the icy blue eyes that seemed to be trying to bore a hole in her. She wasn’t sure why Vollrath, Baldur, and Elmar were intimidated by him, but she wasn’t. That could be a mistake, given she had no clue how powerful of a warlock he was, but it was her mistake to make. She’d certainly made enough mistakes in the last twenty-four hours, what was one more?

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lotusmi · 1 year

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https://www.tumblr.com/lotusmi/710901526611329025/i-know-everyone-says-you-can-manifest-anything-in?source=share

if you think this is not possible wouldn't that be limiting in a way

Well, here it comes to a point you are judging my beliefs lol. If you want to believe that, then it is upon you. You do not need to agree with me.

🔖LOTUS thoughts on shifting, manifesting and realities:

I ask you to read this fully - but dont overthink this topic, it is no-sense to overthink it. Again, you don't have to agree with me.

Now here it comes to 2 theories that I still am learning and I dont know what theory I am bending for yet.

1. There are infinite realities, each one with all that already exists. (shifting thinking)

then I have two points:

a) We change our reality? I don't think so. For me, creation is finished. For me, we only shift! For me we shift a reality where we have the desired thing. my anon revised living in Dubai. Does both our awareness shifted together? Or does the reality was changed?

b) And if we got INFINITE realities. Then we are talking here about even life in other planets (which i already real about in cia stuff). We are talking here about you wearing now, in each reality, the same dress but all different colours possible. All the clothes that exist. You having all the different skin colours. You being born in other country. Realities that you already died. Realities where you was not born.

And then comes a person who wants to be married to Jimin in all realities, shit like that. Oh, right. But what about realities that guy was not born? What about realities that guy did not even joined bts? Hm? I like to see the bigger-picture, always. Let's say someone want chickens to stop existing in all realities. Yea. Well... what about planets that chickens already were non-existent? What if in that place, 🍗 were the only food?

Another thing that is really no sense for me are those girlies who want to date a celebrity and date the guy IN ALL realities. I MYSELF. Don't believe that. Why? Because for me, all possibilities are ALREADY DONE. So the guy is dating the girl and in other reality he is with her cousin etc.

Some people really overcomplicate this and overthink it. Like, they are really afraid of shifting. But what they don't remember is: they are manifesting since they were born. So they are shifting since that. They are not in the reality they were at the 'begining', but they shifted at every state. Like 🦋 effect. If you decided to drink coffee is one reality, if you decided to drink tea, other.

2. There is not objetive reality, but only counciousness being reflected. (tradicional loa thinking, hologram universe)

This means there is nothing that exist if you are not aware of it. It means what you aware = what you see. That means there was never something real, but what you were aware, was being projected. Like a simulation. "Nothing to change but self". Why? Because there is no "realities", but shadows of our beliefs, what we were fooled to believe. “There is no 'here' to differentiate it from 'there.'”

But then...

a) is the entire multiverse, 3d and 4d experience and astral experience personal? Because, if it is, then the whole multiverse and all deities and beings are yours to control. EVERY aspect of 'what exists'.

b) If this is the truth, then it is no sense the "fear" some people have of manifest a thing and shift. There was never a 'here' to shift to 'there'. We only change the hologram by changing our counciousness.

Example:

Ok let's say your mom is sick. Then you probably will go to some blogger's inbox and ask something along this lines "Hi, my mom is sick. I want to manifest her to be healthy without shifting, since I don't want her to be sick in my old reality and I shift to one where she is healthy" or "I want her to be healthy in all realities".

We know, we should not concearn about the "how". Our business is only assume it is already done and fullfil our desire within.

We all also know that we should not be reasoning about what is happening in the outside, but within.

So this is mostly all my thoughts on this topic, I try to see the bigger-picture, but I still have so much to learn.

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batbeato · 28 days

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Really random question, but can you expand on your perspective in regards to Tohya?

Though he and Battler were once one person, after the events on Rokkenjima where Battler effectively died - ego death/depersonalization, basically? If I’m using the terms correctly - and the one became two, in a way.

Tohya was born anew from the relatively blank slate left behind (by this, I mean his amnesia).

Sometimes it sort of shifts for me, I mean. Whether Tohya is his own person, or struggles to differentiate between ‘Battler’ and himself - because by all means, Battler did and didn’t survive. They are and are not the same.

The mental trauma of what happened on Rokkenjima, followed by the physical trauma of practically drowning and then being struck by a car - that ‘killed’ Battler, lost him his memories. But physically, his body survived. His mind, if not his unique consciousness, survived.

Sometimes for me, he ‘was’ Battler - not an entirely individual person, and sometimes he still can’t view himself as ‘his own person’. Not, not exactly Battler - but he’s not not Battler? An unsteady sense of self, that sort of almost shifts?

It’s different from how you portray him, because Tohya is adamant he isn’t Battler. In ‘a fate outside the catbox’ especially, his sense of self grows strong.

It’s confusing to explain, sorry. That’s part of why I wanted to ask, since Tohya’s nature is so indistinct to me.

It’s just that the way you put the intricacy of Tohya’s nature into words for your fics, it’s so good. It just reads as ‘Tohya’ for me, but at the same time it’s different from how I see him? In a good way, I swear!

But, how did you reach that conclusion about his character, have such clarity in describing how Tohya is, how he feels? How he is separate from Battler…?

Sorry if this doesn’t make much sense, I’m all over the place, here.

Tohya is one of my favorite characters to puzzle over - as you can probably tell from the fact that 'a fate outside a catbox' exists (also it's really cool that you checked out my stuff beyond that, from your wording? thank you!). I appreciate the chance to ramble about him from this angle, actually.

I think in the end it comes down to two key aspects of Tohya: plurality and trauma, which are intertwined.

Plurality is the general idea of "one body holding more than one mind/being/identity/etc." but it can overlap with DID/OSDD. In this post I'm more specifically talking about dissociative plurality, more akin to DID. Tohya has the identity he creates after losing his memory - Hachijo Tohya - but also the identity and memories from the person he 'used to be' - Ushiromiya Battler. It's canonically shown that he has trouble accepting that he was Battler, to the point that it resulted in his wheelchair usage (only described as a "fit" in the text). I've seen people theorize that his struggle to accept Battler as his 'true identity' resulted in a suicide attempt that caused his wheelchair-user status, though I personally lean more towards that the stress of it all resulted in something like a stroke, or else more towards the idea of (unprocessed especially) trauma having profound physical effects on the body, or even both together in some sense.

For me, I feel like Tohya and Battler are separate in a large part because of this trouble Tohya has accepting Battler - both are present in the body (metaphorically), but Tohya is the one who has lived on, while only Battler's memories and emotions remain. If I was going to use system language, it might be like Battler has gone dormant. The life the body lived as Battler shaped Tohya: in Tohya's love of mystery novels, in the memories that Tohya has access to, in his feelings of guilt about the Ushiromiya family, and in his love for Ange. But at the same time, even if Tohya has inherited these things from Battler, he doesn't need to share the identity of Battler to have them or claim ownership of them. Rather, because of the trauma associated with Battler, Tohya's separate identity functions as a defense mechanism to disassociate from that trauma and protect him.

I like going at Tohya from a plurality angle, even though it's rare that I write Tohya as explicitly and emphatically plural. Tohya feels as though Battler is this entirely separate entity that he was suddenly saddled with, and he simply wants to be "one person" again, and for Battler to disappear. However, though Tohya tries to integrate Battler into his identity and accept that he "is" Battler, this approach ultimately results in failure. For Tohya, coexisting with the knowledge that he was once Battler, or even treating Battler as a separate person who used to own his body, seems to have allowed him to find more peace. He felt that Battler would take over his body, that Battler was a stranger to him, and that Battler was a threat to his existence. But once he meets Yukari, he doesn't become Battler. The narration says that he "was once Ushiromiya Battler", and Tohya refers to "the Ushiromiya Battler inside me" (comes off as very plural). Battler is a part of his past, and perhaps a part of him, but Tohya cannot become Battler again.

I mentioned the trauma angle before, and how Tohya rejecting Battler may function as a protective act for him, to disassociate from the trauma that Battler holds. Battler lost his entire family, witnessed his family's corpses, and also watched Beatrice/Sayo commit suicide and has to live with the knowledge that he failed to save her. Oh, and also Battler is Kyrie's child, not Asumu's. Considering what that did to Battler's psyche in Episode 4, it probably didn't have a good effect on Tohya either.

People who experience singular traumatic incidents can often feel as though they aren't the person they were before the trauma. People who experience violent crimes, sexual assault, serve in the army, etc. can feel disconnected and detached from who they were before. It can take very careful and slow work to properly integrate this trauma, and the person they became after the trauma, into the person's complete identity. You have to integrate not only the traumatic incident, but also what you have missed out on in terms of your life and growth and development because of the trauma. For Tohya, this means that he would need to integrate the Rokkenjima Incident, as well as all of the years he spent living as Tohya, into the identity of "Ushiromiya Battler". A difficult task, especially without the assistance of a mental health professional.

For me, Tohya's separation from Battler and my thoughts on identity(/plurality) and trauma led me to really support the idea of Tohya as a character distinct from Battler. As I've grown older (I say, as though I'm not still just in my 20s haha), I've started to feel like I'm an entirely different person from I was even a few years ago due to a lot of revelations about my identity and myself. I had such a different conception of who I was back then, even if I had the same body and shared some traits, that I feel entirely distinct from them. It's a really different situation from Tohya, of course, but because of that I think I can really understand the idea of having memories of who you used to be, but also not connecting to those memories as "yours", even if they inform a lot of the bones of your current self. It's... complicated. You were them, but are they you?

I think interpreting Tohya as "Battler but after a bout of amnesia and lots of trauma" or "a person born from Ushiromiya Battler" can vary and depends a lot on one's concept of identity, as well as trauma. I wouldn't be opposed to the idea that, given the proper resources and support, Tohya would be capable of integrating his identity and becoming Ushiromiya Battler again. But I also feel like Tohya choosing a path of coexistence, where he accepts Battler as someone he used to be, but who isn't him now, and instead considers himself to just be Hachijo Tohya, is also fine. Whether Tohya integrates Battler into his identity and becomes Battler (or even perhaps considers himself to be both Tohya and Battler at once). or establishes himself as just Tohya, he would need to consider his relationship with the identity of Ushiromiya Battler and work to integrate the trauma that the identity of Ushiromiya Battler holds. (I feel like a large part of why Tohya is so terrified of Battler is because Battler represents trauma to him, even more than the idea of losing his identity to Battler.)

I hope this answers your question!

#umineko #umineko no naku koro ni #umineko spoilers #tohya hachijo

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theghostzonedictionary · 1 year

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Phandom Dictionary

Disclaimer: None of these definitions are set in stone. People can interpret what these words mean any way they like. This is just so people in the DP fandom generally understand each other when using these terms.

If you know of a term used in DP fandom that is not on this list send in an ask with the word and its definition.

Ancients: A group of very old ghosts that took down the tyrant ghost king Pariah Dark. Some believe ghosts like Clockwork, Pandora, and Nocturne are Ancients but others think they are a separate unknown group of ghosts. (Ghosts may also use Ancients in the place of where one might say God, such as "Oh Ancients" instead of "Oh God.")

Blood Blossoms: A rose like flower that has bright red petals with black or dark purple stems and thorns. The flowers give off a haze that is horribly painful to ghosts but harmless to humans. Humans are even able to eat the flowers.

Child Ghosts: Ghosts that either died as children, or never born children. These ghosts can grow and mature into adult ghosts but can also remain children forever depending on the interpretation. However, it is generally accepted that Ghost Children need an adult to guide and protect them as a parent. (Other terms include Baby Ghost and Ghost Pup)

Core: The central organ of a ghost. Acts like the brain and heart. Is often located in the chest but can be anywhere else in the ghosts body.

Ecto-Entities: Another term for ghosts. Used in more scientific or legal contexts.

Fading: The equivalent of death for a ghost. Can happen from a ghost loosing or not fulfilling their obsession, damage to their core, or other factors. Most assume the ghost simply stops existing after they fade.

Fraid: A group of ghosts, typically all family and close friends.

Fright: Usually means the same thing as Fraid, but some differentiate with Fright including close friends while Fraid is just family.

Ghost Speak: Also called the Language of the Dead. It is a language that only ghosts can speak and understand. Often said to come from the ghost’s core rather than actually spoken. Some depictions are animalistic nonsense while others have it as terrifying incomprehensible sounds, and others say it’s completely inaudible to humans.

Halfa: A being who is equally living and dead. They have both a living body and an ectoplasmic form, and the ability to switch between forms at will. (Also called Gateway Ghost, Bridge Spirit, Earthly Spirit or simply Half ghosts since some people consider Halfa to be a derogatory term.)

Haunt: A place in the living world that a ghost has claimed as theirs to exist and defend.

Infinite Realms: Another name for the Ghost Zone. Sometimes considered the proper name since it was said by a ghost while Ghost Zone is used mostly by humans.

Lair: A ghost's home in the Ghost Zone. Usually a floating island or building, or a pocket dimension behind a floating door, but can also be smaller parts of other more powerful ghost's lair's.

Limbo ghosts: The ghosts of people who've died.

Liminal: A living being that has been exposed to enough ectoplasm to gain ghostly traits and possible powers. Half ghosts are a type of liminal but not all liminals are half ghosts. (Also called Death Touched.)

Mirror born: A ghost word for clone.

Never born: Ghosts that were never alive and formed in the Ghost Zone.

Obsession: (Called Purpose in AGIT) Something a ghost fixates on. How much an obsession affects a ghost's behavior can range from a compulsion to a special interest.

Overshadowing: A ghost phasing into a living person's body and controlling it. The person the body belongs to is unaware of what is going on while the ghost is doing the overshadowing. (Some use it interchangeably with Possession while others make a distinction between the two.)

Possession: When differentiated from Overshadowing, is usually seen as a darker more sinister version, although it varies.

Shadow born: Similar to Mirror born but with a more sinister implication to it.

Still Warm: Referring to a ghost as young or recently dead. Their body is still warm.

Walk In: A ghost possessing a recently dead body after the original soul/consciousness has left.

#Danny Phantom #master post #Dictionary

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pinercrystal · 2 years

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Sofortbild vs kightroom classic

#SOFORTBILD VS KIGHTROOM CLASSIC HOW TO#

#SOFORTBILD VS KIGHTROOM CLASSIC ARCHIVE#

#SOFORTBILD VS KIGHTROOM CLASSIC FULL#

#SOFORTBILD VS KIGHTROOM CLASSIC OFFLINE#

#SOFORTBILD VS KIGHTROOM CLASSIC DOWNLOAD#

Smart previews can be synced up to the cloud, for viewing and editing in the Lightroom (cloud ecosystem) apps, and photos added to the Lightroom (cloud ecosystem) apps automatically download into your Classic archive. In the most reliable Classic/Lightroom (cloud ecosystem) “best of both worlds” workflows, Classic is the primary archive.

#SOFORTBILD VS KIGHTROOM CLASSIC ARCHIVE#

If you’re happy to play referee in the case of conflicts, you can sync Lightroom Classic with the cloud, but you’ll need to decide which one you consider your primary archive (folders or cloud) and which you’d be willing to wipe and start over in the event of an unfixable conflict.

#SOFORTBILD VS KIGHTROOM CLASSIC HOW TO#

It has a basic understanding of Lightroom (cloud ecosystem) sync language, from the mobile app’s early days, but it doesn’t understand how to sync newer Cloud additions like keywords or album folders, and it gets itself in a tangle from time to time.įor a simple life, pick one or the other. Lightroom Classic is not a member of the Cloud ecosystem – it’s more like a distant cousin. Lightroom Classic can sync with the cloud, so can you use them together to have the best of both worlds? Yes and no. Both the local file system and the cloud want to be in charge of your photos, which would result in lots of conflicts. Classic is designed to catalog photos stored on the hard drive with lots of user-control, whereas Lightroom (cloud ecosystem) is designed to manage the photos in the cloud for you. Likewise, Lightroom Classic and Lightroom (cloud ecosystem) are both used for organizing and editing photos, but they don’t think the same way. A boat and a car are both used for transportation, but they’re not interchangeable! Since much of its power is hidden, we’ve covered the Lightroom (cloud ecosystem) in detail in Adobe Lightroom – Edit Like a Pro.īut why couldn’t Adobe make one Lightroom app to do it all? Quite simply, while there are similarities, the concepts and foundations are very different. The Adobe Sensei artificial intelligence search facilities make it easier to find photos, even without spending time manually adding keywords. The Edit mode is powerful, but many of the sliders are hidden by default, so isn’t intimidating to newer photographers. While you can organize photos into albums, you don’t have to worry about the file management, making it ideal for those with less computer experience. There aren’t as many features in the Lightroom (cloud ecosystem) apps yet, as they’re a lot younger, which means they’re simpler to learn to use. However, you do need reasonably fast internet access and plenty of bandwidth to get the photos to the cloud in the first place.

#SOFORTBILD VS KIGHTROOM CLASSIC OFFLINE#

This doesn’t mean you always need to be online, as you can also keep a local cached copy of some/all of the images for offline use. Your photos are stored in the Adobe cloud, which means they’re available on all of your devices. The Lightroom (cloud ecosystem) apps are designed for modern living, so you can capture photos on your phone or load them from your camera, sort through them on your tablet when you have a few minutes to spare, edit them on your desktop, and then share them on the web. For clarity, we’ll refer to these apps as Lightroom (cloud ecosystem), to differentiate from Lightroom Classic.

#SOFORTBILD VS KIGHTROOM CLASSIC FULL#

Lightroom (formerly Lightroom CC) is a family of apps that started out as a simple mobile app, and has grown into a full ecosystem that runs on Windows, macOS, iPadOS, iOS, Android, ChromeOS, tvOS and the web. Some photographers were concerned that the launch of the cloud-based Lightroom might mean the end of road for Lightroom Classic, but it’s still being developed and improved. We’ve covered Lightroom Classic in detail in Adobe Lightroom Classic – The Missing FAQ. If you’re an advanced user, the power and control it offers is huge, but if you’re new to Lightroom, the learning curve may be a bit overwhelming. Since Lightroom Classic has been available for years, it has lots of features. This is ideal for photographers with TB’s of images, but requires reasonable computer literacy. You’re in charge of managing the files, the organization, the backups, etc. It runs on Windows and macOS, and stores your photos in folders on your local hard drives. Lightroom Classic is the traditional version of Lightroom that’s been around for years, hence the name Classic. Let’s start by identifying the current Lightroom versions, and their main differences. So what’s the difference? Which one is right for you? Which will suit your lifestyle and photography workflow? Or can you use them together? Let’s find out… If you’re a little confused, you’re not alone. Whether you’ve used Lightroom for years, or you’re just getting started, you’ve likely come across the fact that there’s two completely different programs, both called Lightroom.

#Sofortbild vs kightroom classic

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mccrackenmcguire · 2 years

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Enhance Your Design With One Of These Interior Decorating Recommendations

Dwelling within your house could possibly have become dull for you, even though it looks exactly the same. Worry not! You could do a little home design and freshen up your residence. By merely making very little adjustments, you will notice a massive outcome. Here are several fantastic decor tips to take into account. When selecting colors to your interior decorating, prevent working with fads. cửa gỗ may have been popular once on an occasion, but it will make your property appear dated. Opt for neutral hues that may stand up to the exam of energy. That way, you will not feel as if you will need to repaint each and every year. Use a style at heart. What is the distinct shade scheme you somewhat take pleasure in? Do you have a fondness for vintage home furniture? Deciding on a theme before you even start your planning period can save you considerable time and energy. Be sure you determine what you're choosing prior to starting planning for it. Speak with family or friends before you take on a task. This will help to obtain suggestions that you may possibly not think of, that you can integrate in your task. Also, this allows you to decrease the possibilities of producing a mistake as other people could possibly location it. You can never go wrong by adding just a little plants to no matter what place your are planning. Plants and flowers make fantastic additions to any room while they give your room a relaxing and lively appearance. A number of strategically put plants will considerably enhance the decoration of your own place as long as you remember to drinking water them! Did you ever hear the old stating about taking off one particular component of jewellery before you leave your own home? Exactly the same rule applies to interior decorating. After you finish decorating an area, provide it with an effective appear and take some time modifying lower your style. Although you may love every pillow, plant, or photo in your house, you don't desire a space to check cluttered. A great interior decorating hint is usually to start small. A lot of people are afraid of interior decorating simply because they sense they must do it all at once. You can easily start small, like deciding on a lamp or caffeine table that you really like. You are able to them function after that. Stabilize the cold appearance and feel of difficult flooring surfaces like stone, definite or floor tiles, by incorporating carefully chosen location rugs. When you rotate the carpets once in awhile, you will avoid them from wear. You may change the place or turn it and it will cause them to continue to be new much longer. When your dwelling and dining areas happen to be in the identical place and you wish to redesign the space to independent them, take into account various floor coverings possibilities. A carpeting in a single space and wood in another will definitely differentiate both areas with classiness. Also, a high, cost-free-ranking monitor can easily make a quite fashionable area divider in this field. Whenever you must new up your bedrooms with some painting, consider painting your roof a color of "roof white-colored." Roof painting from the dazzling white-colored coloration will mirror the lighting within your place and then make it seem even bigger. This will add more dilemma to the place and then make the ceiling show up greater. Through taking on one of the concepts in this article, you could make your house appear much more fascinating, and you can be comfy. Just try out the tips here, and you will see that you like. A much better searching property may be just the thing you need, and since you now have check this out report you can get it.

#thiết kế nội thất chung cư #v

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valleydream18 · 2 years

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Mollusks and Their Identifying Features

Oysters and clams are both delicacies that are eaten regularly by many people around the world. However, their names (both from the same species of mollusk) are very different. In the United States, clam is commonly referred to as "pork" while oyster is called "oyster". There are a variety of reasons why they are referred to differently. Some people simply think that oysters are smaller and more fragile clams while clams are considered more meaty. But whether they're called oyster or clam, both are delicious shells that are enjoyed by many people all over the world. Clams originated in the Mediterranean and were used as an effective food source long before oysters were first discovered. They have been found in abundance in saltwater environments since ancient times, even in jawbones from ancient Egyptian mummies. Modern day bivalve mollusks are typically found in fresh or saltwater environments around the world, including the Caribbean, the Pacific Northwest and Southern Oceans. The most common bivalve mollusk species are the California Clams, the Red Sea Clams, the Philippine Clams and the Chesapeake Bay Clams. These species range in size from a few ounces to several pounds depending on their age and reproductive state. Clams are classified into two general types: the live-bearing clams and the non-live-bearing clams. The live-bearing clams have both a hard outer shell and soft inner one which the female uses as a place to lay eggs. The non-live bearing clams do not have either a hard or soft shell. So how do oysters and clams differ? On a basic level, both consist of live organisms. The major difference between the two is in their respective mode of reproduction. In oysters, the oyster's reproductive organ (the oyster) grows and enlarges until it becomes larger than the head of the female clam. Once the oyster has grown large enough, it inserts its gonopodium through the oyster's body wall and into the oyster's reproductive chamber where it begins the process of reproduction. Clams, on the other hand, reproduce differently because their reproductive organs grow in an outside egg cup rather than inside a body wall of the mollusk. Although the method of reproduction may be similar between oysters and clams, they're important factors to consider when comparing them. The most obvious factor between the two is their diet. Clams are typically eaten raw or partially cooked; oysters, on the other hand, are commonly cooked before eating. For example, instead of eating a whole oyster, most people prefer to eat the pearlers or oyster meat (raw). However, both mollusks (including the oysters and clams) are commonly eaten raw or half shell. The other major difference between the two animals is their environment in which to grow and thrive. Unlike oysters and clams, who live in freshwater habitats, clams typically grow in saltwater environments. oysters alive when you eat them This is because the water contains a lot more dissolved oxygen than the soil in which they usually grow. The water also contains a lot more nitrogen and potassium, making it a very ideal environment for these creatures. In addition to this, the water in saltwater environments contains a high concentration of magnesium, iron, manganese, and calcium. These minerals and ions provide the much needed nutrients for the oyster, clam, or clams to grow and reproduce rapidly. So, what's the easiest way to tell the difference between a mollusk oyster and a clamshell? The easiest way to differentiate between these organisms is by simply observing the shape and feel of their shell. A mollusk oyster will have a smooth and rounded shell, while a clamshell will have a more rounded, slightly oblong shape. Another helpful hint that can be used as a mollusk oyster clue is how closely the shell and the body of the oyster or clam resemble each other. If they are more or less alike, then the organism is probably a mollusk. A mollusk will typically be found inside its shell, which will also tell you a lot about the organism. A true mollusk will be found with its arms at the sides of the shell, while a true clam will be found on the bottom, with its back turned towards the viewer. Finally, a true mollusk will have a large protruding foot, while a clam will have a foot that is very small. Furthermore, a true mollusk will have its mouth shut, while a clam will keep its mouth shut but will open it slightly. These are the most common mollusk characteristics, and hopefully this article has given you enough information to determine whether or not your clam or oyster is a genuine mollusk.

#are clams and oysters the same #are clams and oysters the same thing #are clams oysters #are clams the same as oysters #are fresh oysters alive #are oyster alive when you eat them #are oyster shells compostable #are oyster shells good for the garden #are oysters alive #are oysters alive when eaten #are oysters alive when you eat them #are oysters alive when you eat them raw #are oysters and clams the same thing #are oysters clams #are oysters eaten alive #are oysters good for you #are oysters still alive when you eat them #are oysters the same as clams #are pearl oysters edible #are raw oysters alive #are raw oysters alive when you eat them #are shucked oysters alive #are u supposed to chew oysters #are you meant to chew oysters #are you suppose to chew oysters #are you supposed to chew or swallow oysters #are you supposed to chew oysters #are you supposed to chew raw oysters #are you supposed to swallow oysters whole #aw shucks oyster shucker

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howggswouldreact · 3 years

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📏 The Only Tall Maknae | Wonyoung

Request: hii can i request an izone wonyoung jealous cuddles scenario with shorter fem!reader? thank uu Plot: Wonyong and the small idol Fem!Reader are in a relationship. During MAMA, Wonyoung gets jealous of her girlfriend. Words: 2,661 Genre: fluff Notes: tried to write it in a way that was closer to the thoughtless attitude of teenagers inexperienced in having a relationship as idols. there are spaces for prequels or part two, maybe. if you want, send me a plot and i will write more from this universe! hope you like it! have a nice week!

Wonyoung was happy to be at MAMA again. What made her even happier, in addition to performing and receiving all the love from Wizones, was that you were there, with her. Not exactly with her, since the location of the tables was made so that her group and yours were somewhat distant, but you both were there, giving sneaky glances at each other and dancing excitedly during more animated performances by groups you liked. You had to control yourselves, trying to be discreet, even though almost all the idols in your circle of friends already knew your closeness was something more. There were cameras there and they weren't kind at all.

You met through friends and have been dating for almost a year. Staying with her took away all your tiredness, reinvigorated your energies and left you with a happiness never felt before. She was the most beautiful and adorable girl in the world. And you were lucky to be her girlfriend. Very lucky.

Your group had made the second comeback in a year and, for the first time, your schedules were proximate. You were doing your best and she was doing her best, and you were able to meet in the meantime.

You just didn't expect to be nominated for Best New Female Artist, but Wonyoung was rooting for you, and when it came time to announce the winning group, you focused on her again and sighed.

"You are just a silly in love.", Soojin's voice sounded low in your ear, clearly mocking your "heart eyes" towards Wonyoung.

You felt your cheeks getting hot. The pros and cons of being a maknae... even though you were spoiled in many moments, your group really liked to make jokes about how you lost the bossy pose when you were with your girlfriend. And also the difference between your height and hers. It was extremely evident! But you loved it, after all, you could hide your face on her neck while you hugged.

"I'm not silly!", you said, smiling.

You turned your face to the stage, where the MC's were about to read the name of the award-winning female group.

Your eyes met Wonyoung's for a moment, looking for strength in case your group didn't win, and you gave her a bigger smile, getting back the most beautiful smile in the world.

Until they announced the name of your group.

There was a round of applause and you were a little lost, in shock, looking at your group mates for answers. Did you imagine things or did you really win? Your expression was so shocked that, at the same time, several fans were already turning into a meme on the social media. Feeling goosebumps come and go through your entire body and a light tug from Soeun on your arm, you got up and went from your table to the stage.

After that, everything went very fast. The leader, Soojin, said gratitude words to the fans, the staffs, everyone who supported the group, promises to continue working hard to deliver a good message through music, etc...

Wonyoung was very proud of you and, as your group came down from the stage and went to a part on the side of it for pictures, Yujin made a joke that she couldn't understand, but it was about the two of you. She looked at Eunbi as if she was seeking approval to come to you, but Eunbi was in a conversation with Nako about the award.

"It was pretty obvious that they were going to win, they are the best!", Yena exclaimed, when a new presentation started.

"You guys make a couple of very powerful maknaes, despite the height difference!", Chaewon whispered, from Wonyoung's left side, making her smile.

A few minutes went by and Wonyoung wanted to be able to go directly to you to congratulate you, even if not in the warm way she would do backstage, with a very tight hug and soft kisses on your lips, calling you "my love". Looking for you at your table, Wonyoung frowned. Your whole group was there, even the prize was there with them, but where were you? Were you at the bathroom?

"Where...", Wonyoung's question died in it's beginning. A few tables on the left, there were you. Holding another girl's hands. And that was enough for Wonyoung to feel her cheeks flush with jealousy and her heart sinking into her chest.

"I can't wait to take several selfies with it! It's so beautiful!", whispered Yein beside you, thinking about the award that was in Soojin's hands.

You nodded as you went up the stairs, until you felt a hand on your shoulder. Turning aroung, shoulders and a smile that formed an enlarged heart were the first things that took over your vision, indicating that the person who called you was tall. You focused your gaze on the face, raising your head, and realized that the owner of the smile was Yeeun, as known as J, a member of StayC. And your friend and classmate.

"Hey!", she greeted you, still smiling, and held your hands. "You rocked up there! I only got time to listen to your group's album yesterday, but it's really good! Congratulations on the award!"

"Oh, thank you so much!", you came a little closer to her to allow the girls to go up the narrow stairs. "I'm in love with your album too. ASAP always manages to make me very happy, even on days when my mood is not... good."

You were not praising each other for no reason, you had known each other long enough to not need formal praises.

"I know how hard you and your group worked for it and it was really deserved.", she had a caring glow in her eyes. "I know I haven't been on this idol journey for a long time but if you need anything, I'm here. I know there may be some difficulties but we will get through them together!"

"You can count on me too, Yeeun. This is not easy at all, but we are managing to achieve our dream almost together! Can you believe it?", you said, smiling excitedly.

Until you felt the lighting of the place get a little darker.

Yeeun's eyes landed on a spot above your head. You turned around to see the reason why there was a shadow on you, and there she was. Your girlfriend.

Yeeun greeted Wonyoung, bowing, while she was standing there, beautiful and in that black outfit full of sparkles that left you mesmerized since the beginning of her presentation.

"Hello, bab-sun-babe-nim!", you stuttered, impacted by the beauty of your girlfriend.

Almost calling her "babe", you tried to fix it by calling her (actually trying to call her) sunbaenim. Even though Yeeun knew about your relationship (you had already told her since you were friends), you didn't want any strangers to know. And that place was full of cameras and ears everywhere. It was risky. But your correction to the soft nickname you used to call her only made Wonyoung raise an eyebrow. There was something in her eyes and you knew it wasn't because of the makeup.

Yeeun greeted her and Wonyoung used a polite education towards the girl of almost the same height, differentiating by a few centimeters almost imperceptible, but that, with you between them, made you look much younger than them, even though the three of us had almost the same age.

Wonyoung praised StayC's performance and Yeeun thanked her before saying bye to you both and heading to the table where her group was at.

You raised your hand to Wonyoung's but the tall girl crossed her arms.

"Hey, what's up?", you asked.

"Nothing.", her tone was harsh and you felt a small pain your in your chest, but she had a smile on her face. A fake smile. "I wanted to be the first to congratulate you, but someone has already done that.", The smile was still on her face, for the cameras, but the tone of voice was still kinda rude towards you. "I can't even hold your hands without hear you saying that some people might be surprised by it, but apparently it's just with me. But, congratulations on the award, Y/N. It was well deserved. The girls and I congratulate your group.", she turned and started walking in towards Izone's table.

"Hey, what's up, Wonnie?", you asked, hurrying to catch up with her, but keeping an expression of false happiness on your face.

"Nothing.", her tone of voice cut into your heart, she hadn't even bothered to turn around.

"Hey, you know I can't keep up with your stride, that's not fair."

She stopped on the stairs, in the corridor that led to where her group's table was, turning to you and you almost ran into her, taking a few steps back.

"Just don't!", her gaze on you was as hard as her voice, but the smile was wide open on her face, it was petrified there.

You stopped as you watched your girlfriend move on without looking back.

"I can really do whatever tomorrow morning, I don't care, I just need to get this sorted out as soon as possible."

"I just think it's too late for you to go there...", Soojin had some concern in her voice.

"Have you texted her yet?", Jiyoon asked, stretched out on the living room floor.

"Several times and she doesn't answer nor even reply my texts since yesterday.", you paced back and forth in front of the television.

"If you keep walking like this, we'll find petroleum," said Soeun.

You sat on the floor next to Jiyoon.

"None of the girls answer you?", asked Seojeong, stretching.

"Hyewon replied that she is in a bad mood and locked herself in the room after dinner."

"What did you do, huh?", Yein asked.

"I don't know!", you almost shout, hiding your face in your hands.

"Oh, go on then because one in a bad mood is one thing but two in bad mood in different groups is a punishment! Go, go!", Soojin pulled you by the arm to get up and started pushing you towards the door .

"But what about the manager..."

"We'll find a way to cover you up, don't worry!", Seojeong said and Soojin closed the door.

You went down the stairs, calling an uber.

"Do you know how late it is?", asked Hyewon, rubbing her eyes and yawning.

"I know you don't usually sleep early, Hyewon. But it's a life-and-death situation!", you replied while removing your shoes in the lobby, only your socks on your feet.

"Death for whom? Only if it is for us, right? The sour mood she was in... I asked if she wanted salad and she almost killed me with her eyes!", with a tone of indignation, Sakura started to speak. "What did you do, huh?"

"I don't know!", you were about to cry. "Can I go and talk to her?"

The two girls nodded and you crossed the room to the hall like a bullet. When you opened the door, the room was dark and you already knew the way to Wonyoung's bed because you visited her sometimes. But instead of lying down, you knelt beside the bed, even in the dark, and whispered her name. You wanted to hold her hand but you were afraid. If she was upset with you, she probably wouldn't want you even there.

"Wonyoung?", you called again, this time in a louder tone.

"I can't believe you came here even after I treated you like that."

You didn't understand what the phrase meant.

"Can I lie down?", you asked, receiving in response Wonyoung moving her body to give you some space.

You embraced her in a hug, hoping she wouldn't reject it, even with her back to you. Again, her answer did not come in words. She held your arm around her.

"What did I do? Tell me so I won't repeat it.", your face was on her back.

"I'm feeling ashamed."

"Of me?"

"No! Of you??? Never! I'm ashamed of myself. I can't even look at you...", she confessed.

You were still confused, but you hugged her tighter. You wanted her to feel you there.

"You don't have to. You didn't do anything wrong, Wonnie..."

You heard a loudest sigh and she turned to you, resting her hand on your neck and touching your foreheads.

"I... I was an idiot. You, your group, had just won one of the most important awards of the night! I myself know how it feels to win it, I know how rewarding it is and... at the moment I-I didn't support you because I was... jealous.", you knew you shouldn't interrupt her, she was venting out. "I wish I could've hugged you and praised you... I feel so proud of you and everyting that you have achieved... but I saw you with that girl and she was holding your hands and she was smiling with such affection, I don't know what I was feeling other than jealousy.", her voice showed a little bit of anger and fragility but she kept her hand on your neck, caressing it. "I was wondering if she was special enough to show affection like that in front of so many cameras... if you liked tall maknaes and...", at that moment you laughed. "Hey, don't laugh! This is not funny at all!", she slapped you lightly on the shoulder.

"No, babe, what's funny is that you think I could have eyes for anyone but you."

"Yeah, you go ahead and think it's funny! And if it were me with, I don't know, a short maknae like you, holding her hands, wouldn't you be jealous when you saw it from a distance, without having an idea of what's going on? Would it be funny?"

"Yah! I get it! Don't even make me think of you with someone else.", you took her wrist and stroked it. "Yeeun is just a friend from school and she was congratulating me. There was nothing else. There would never be. She knows about us and gives the greatest support! I just didn't get to introduce you decently because there is never enough time. I want you to see that you don't have to feel jealous because you are the only tall maknae I love. I love you. "

"I'm sorry for ruining everything and making you come here almost at the dawn. You shouldn't have come so late!", she pulled you into a tight hug. "But at the same time I'm so glad and relieved you came.", she whispered that last sentence.

"I would come at anytime.", you whispered back, kissing her cheek.

"It's too late for you to leave. What are you going to do? We can arrange everything for you to stay.", you were going to talk but Wonyoung wouldn't let you. "We can really work it out, make up a very good lie for the managers, take you back to the dorm quickly tomorrow very early. I imagine you have a lot of commitments now that you've won the award but... it's so late... and I want you to stay with me."

"Okay, I'll stay.", you replied, without thinking. "But I need some clothes to sleep."

"Okay, you can borrow Nako's pajamas."

"Hey!"

"I'm kidding!", Wonyoung laughed. "You can borrow one of mine. It'll be huge on you, but you look beautiful anyway."

Embarrassed, you hid your face on her neck and felt her presence for a while, a warm embrace full of a young love that was blooming beautifully. The next day, you would have to deal with your manager scolding you a lot, knowing he would be right, but for now, you would enjoy your time with Wonyoung. Whatever happened next, it wouldn't matter. What mattered now was to be with the only tall maknae that you loved with all your heart.

#izone scenario #izone scenarios #wonyoung scenario #wonyoung scenarios #girlgroup scenario #girlgroupscenarios #wonyoung x reader #wonyoung imagine #izone imagine

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imagineyourworld-old · 3 years

Text

NSFW Alphabet with Wolffe

Wolffe x Fem!Reader

Warnings: Smut (obviously), mentions of injuries

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A = Aftercare (What are they like after sex)

After sex Wolffe is a puppy (sorry for the pun). He makes sure that you’re alright, gets you a glass of water and urges you to pee afterwards (he knows it is important for your health down there). If the two of you are not too tired he just loves taking a bath with you, just holding you close, shampooing your hair and whispering sweet nothings in your ear.

B = Body part (Their favourite body part of theirs and also their partner’s)

Wolffe loves your lips! How soft they are against his, how pink and plush they look after kissing or when he bites them (he also adores when you bite them when you’re nervous or thinking), the marks they leave on him and how good they feel on every single part of his body.

As for himself, I feel like Wolffe would be proud of his arms/shoulders, especially whenever he gets to hold you close he loves knowing that he is strong enough to protect you (even if you don’t need him to) or carry you to the bedroom when you’re in the mood.

C = Cum (Anything to do with cum, basically)

Whether he has pulled out and spread his seed on them or some of it tickled out of you, Wolffe loves seeing your thighs covered in his cum. And he loves licking it off of them.

And as mentioned before he loves your lips, so seeing even just a single drop of his cum on them is a close second favourite.

D = Dirty secret (Pretty self explanatory, a dirty secret of theirs)

Wolffe would love to watch you touch yourself to the thought of him. You’ve told him that you’ve done it before, but at that moment he was too surprised to go further into the topic. One day though, he promises himself, he will ask you if he can watch.

E = Experience (How experienced are they? Do they know what they’re doing?)

Not crazy experienced, but he knows what he’s doing. Wolffe is a very closed off and private person, so he doesn’t just jump into bed with anyone, but there have been times (before you were together of course) where he went home with someone after a night out.

F = Favourite position (This goes without saying)

Wolffe’s not picky, he’s fine with whatever feels best for you. But oh boy does he get off on seeing the expressions on your face when he’s deep inside you, so basically any position in which he can see your face (and kiss your lips) is his favourite.

G = Goofy (Are they more serious in the moment? Are they humorous? etc)

He is a pretty serious person in general, so he’s not exactly goofy in bed, but that doesn’t mean he is opposed to laughing every now and then. The first time you laughed, however, had him feeling incredibly insecure until you explained that you weren’t laughing at him.

H = Hair (How well groomed are they? Does the carpet match the drapes? etc)

Wolffe is a pretty tidy guy, so he keeps his hair groomed, but not entirely shaved off.

I = Intimacy (How are they during the moment? The romantic aspect)

It may be surprising, but during sex Wolffe can be a real romantic. He wants to make sure that you’re feeling fine, that you’re taken care of and your pleasure always comes first. But even though it’s rare, sometimes he can be rough and have his way with you (as long as you agree of course), but as soon as he’s finished he’ll take care of your needs.

J = Jack off (Mastrubation headcanon)

Before he met you Wolffe just didn’t understand the appeal of mastrubating. But now, when he thinks of you, he sometimes can’t help but sneak off to his private quarters or the shower and get off to the thought of you.

There was this one time you sent him a spicy holo and let’s just say he spent some time alone after that.

K = Kink (One or more of their kinks)

One word: Cockwarming. Some days he enjoys having you so close, being one with you and knowing that you only do this for him and no one else. Some days he likes to tease you, make you all hot and bothered by giving you the bare minimum, but keeping you stuffed full of him all the same.

L = Location (Favourite places to do the do)

Since Wolffe is a pretty private person it should come as no surprise that he prefers the privacy of your bedroom, he’s fine with your living room as well, but the bedroom simply gives the two of you more space and a comfier setting.

He’d never say no to taking you back to his room (let’s just say he has a private room, ok?), but prefers your place, because there he feels completely off duty and there his brothers or general won’t interrupt whatever you get up to.

M = Motivation (What turns them on? What gets them going?)

Quite a few things, actually. Let’s just make a list, shall we?

Since he loves your lips seeing you wearing a new or bright shade of lipstick, using a straw, licking or biting your lips or anything else that draws attention to your lips has him hooked.

Catching a glimpse at hickies he left on you just make him want to do it (and you) all over again.

Soft kisses to his collarbone or the place where his neck meets his shoulder always leave him wanting more.

Seeing you in either lingerie or his blacks usually has him half hard from the sight alone.

N = No (Something they wouldn’t do, turn offs)

While he loves leaving hickies everywhere, Wolffe would never leave any other kind of mark on you. He might be projecting a bit, but he remembers the pain when he lost his eye and got his scar, and is sometimes still self conscious about it, so he would hate leaving even the slightest scratch or bite mark.

O = Oral (Preference in giving or receiving, skills, etc)

Wolffe enjoys both giving and receiving, but gun to his head he would have to say he prefers receiving. Not only because he gets to see your lips, swollen from kissing and him biting them, wrapped around his cock, but also because he gets to lick the last drops of his cum off your lips and taste himself on your tongue.

But when it comes to giving he is so skilled, it’s ridiculous. If asked you’d say he is even better with his tongue and fingers than he is with his dick.

P = Pace (Are they fast and rough? Slow and sensual? etc)

His life is hectic, so when the two of you have time he tries his best to make use of that time with soft and slow love making. Wolffe enjoys touching and kissing every part of your body, teasing you and committing every part of you to memory for when you have to part ways again.

Some days, though, when he is especially stressed or needy or you have been teasing him a bit too much, Wolffe wastes no time getting both himself and you off.

Q = Quickie (Their opinions on quickies, how often, etc)

He’s not a big fan, but sometimes there is just no other way. Maybe you have been teasing him too much, maybe you haven’t gotten alone time for a while, maybe he just needs to know that you’re there and you’re his for a moment.

R = Risk (Are they game to experiment? Do they take risks? etc)

Here we need to differentiate: While Wolffe is down to experimenting and finding new ways to pleasure you (and for you to find new ways to pleasure him), but he’s not a risk taker. Anything that might get you hurt or end up in the two of you getting caught in the act is off the table.

S = Stamina (How many rounds can they go for? How long do they last)

Not exceptional, but not disappointing either. He can usually go for two, maybe three, rounds in a row, and know how to make them last. If you’re planning on a long night however, he’ll have to take some breaks, during which he’ll put his hands and tongue to good use, so you’re not complaining.

T = Toys (Do they own toys? Do they use them? On a partner of themselves?)

He’s not a fan, but not opposed either.

So far you haven’t used any toys in your love making, but he knows you use them when he’s not around, which makes him kinda curious. He won’t bring the topic up unless you do though, and that has nothing to do with the fact that he might be a slight bit scared, nothing at all.

U = Unfair (How much they like to tease)

Wolffe never teases you in public, but once the two of you are behind closed doors he constantly has his hands on you, sometimes he just wants to cuddle, but sometimes he wants to get you riled up. Maybe he whispers something in your ear, his husky voice making even the most innocent words sound dirty, maybe he lets his hands roam your body and squeeze your boobs or thighs, maybe he even slips his hand inside your trousers, whatever he chooses to do that day, you know you’ll end up in the bedroom.

V = Volume (How loud they are, what sounds they make, etc)

While he’s usually pretty quiet he lets out soft whimpers whenever you hit a sweet spot. And on the rare occasion that he is frustrated, either because you won’t do as he says or you won’t let him do what he wants, he actually growls, much like the animal he named himself after.

W = Wild card (Random headcanon for the character)

Wolffe is usually a dom, but on the rare occasion the two of you decide to switch it up he’s the whiniest, most impatient sub there is. Since he usually cannot refuse any orders in his day to day life he loves disobeying you to the point where it can be frustrating and you’re close to giving up and letting him take over. He won’t let it go that far, however, because even though he’d never admit it (at least not while sober) he loves it when you take control and do as you please.

X = X-ray (Let’s see what’s going on under those clothes)

He’s a soldier, so he’s strong and muscular.

Down there Wolffe is long, but not exactly longer than average. He is quite thick though, so when he’s inside you he really stretches you out.

Y = Yearning (How high is their sex drive?)

Wolffe’s sex drive is not crazy high, which he is glad of since there’s a war going on and you can’t just jump at each other whenever one of you feels like it. But there are a few rare days when he feels like he’d go crazy if he can’t have you right that moment.

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Z = Zzz (How quickly they fall asleep afterwards)

No matter how tired Wolffe is, he always makes sure you’re alright before he even thinks about sleeping. Once you are taken care of, and preferably laying in his arms, however, he falls right asleep. Wolffe doesn’t get much sleep and he never sleeps better than with you in his arms.

I’ve wanted to write an NSFW alphabet for quite a while now, because I feel like it’s a good entry point to writing smut, but most of the characters I wanted to write for already have hundreds of these, so when I couldn’t find one for Wolffe I knew my time had come.

As I said, this is my first time writing smut and also my first time writing for Wolffe, so please excuse any mistakes.

#wolffe #commander wolffe #wolffe x reader #wolffe x you #wolffe imagine #wolffe smut #commander wolffe x reader #commander wolffe x you #commander wolffe smut #star wars the clone wars #star wars imagine #clone wars imagine #clone wars self insert

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khaleesiofalicante · 3 years

Note

While a positivity blog is great, posing it in opposition with the "call-out" blog immediately devalues it. The one person who was called out on that account (the original one) was an adult sexualizing teenagers who blocked anyone who tried to tell her that what she was doing was harmful. It makes it seem like you're trying to support adults who sexualize minors.

There's no way to "communicate" with someone who blocks anyone who tries to "call" them "in". a call out is a statement that this type of behavior isn't acceptable and a promise to make the fandom a safer space for teenagers.

I asked very respectfully not to send me follow up questions on this matter. Because this whole "call out" thing had been weighing on my mental health.

But once again, I keep getting dragged into this.

This my response to every ask I've gotten regarding this matter over the last few days. The asks I've been ignoring because it's not my place to give an opinion on this. Or rather, I do not have to. I don't have an obligation to do so.

But here we are.

The very reason I find the call out blog problematic is because of a sentence you said in your ask.

You mentioned that because I find the call out blog problematic and I quote "it makes it seem like you're trying to support adults who sexualize minors."

This is the problem.

The call out is not the problem. It's the way in which they are being called out.

Over the last few days, I've seen tsc blogs, for the lack of a better word, being "investigated". Posts dug from the past, follower lists analysed, screenshots posts and shared in public.

This is not a call out. A call out refers to interpersonal confrontations occurring between individuals on social media. In theory, call-outs should be very simple – someone does something wrong, people tell them, and they avoid doing it again in the future.

Now I understand you mentioned an individual refused to listen. I will not comment on that - since I do not know this individual personally or how they reacted. I do not prefer to talk about people I don't know personally. Neither the people calling them out - or the person being called out.

But what I can tell you is that when you call out someone, it only works when you point out why they are wrong, not what what they are doing is wrong. So, instead of calling someone a pedophile, it is essential to explain how their behaviour impacts you or your peers. It is important to address this issue in the larger fandom, not just by spamming one person's ask box. Because this issue is greater than one blog.

The reason why I don't condone this call out blog is because it is so easily possible to get carried away and overpunish people, turning alleged perpetrators of upsetting acts into victims themselves. The moral high ground people stand on evolves from calling out to public shaming of individuals.

I am requesting this entire fandom to rethink your actions and to reevaluate your choices. All of you.

It breaks my heart that you would say that I support adults who sexualise minors when have spent my whole adult life protecting children from such people. It is literally my job.

I recently saw one of my dearest friends being called "homophobic" because they support Jace - because Jace 'outed' Alec and therefore those who support Jace are also homophobic. It really hurt because I know the struggles my friend had to go through in order to protect themselves from their own homophobic family.

It makes me so sad and yet so angry that you are not aware of the consequences your words have on people.

People who make such claims. You seem to forget that we live in a digital world now. You all seem to forget that we are living through a pandemic. We study online. We work online. We entertain ourselves online.

So when you shame people online so callously, it can affect irreparable damage on their professional lives. It can ruin their mental health. It can impact their families.

While the intention of the callout blog - and those who support it - might be honest, the way in which they are achieving their goal is incredibly harmful for people in this fandom regardless of whether they are guilty or not.

I want to point out that this call out blog achieves nothing. It doesn't root out the pedophilia and sexism that exists on Tumblr - or in the fandom. The call out blog does't achieve anything. I'm sorry. It had to be said. The only thing this blog achieve is spreading a culture of shame, fear and stigma in the tsc fandom.

So, I urge you to rethink your actions and reevaluate your methods.

I do not believe in giving bland advice. So, as someone who works on these issues, allow me to point you in an healthier and more effective decision.

WHAT CAN YOU DO?

If the goal is "a promise to make the fandom a healthier space for teenagers" then you are doing it wrong. I say this as someone who works on creating healthy spaces for teenagers. It's up to you whether you want to listen to me or not.

But you are going about it wrong. Here is what you can do instead.

1. What we are doing wrong? Currently, you seem to be focusing on the people - not the issue. If you want to make the space feel safe, you need to address the root cause. What differentiates a call-out from bullying is that it shouldn’t be about punishing someone for something they have done, rather it should be about establishing a new pattern of behavior. In other words, when someone calls you out they want you to start showing through your actions that you care about the issue you’ve been called out on. So, show that you care about the issue.

2. How do we show we care? Focus on the teenagers. You are focusing on the wrong group of people. Cancelling out someone or calling out a blog or getting someone to deactivate is not going to make teenagers feel safe. Trust me on this. You need to address the issue to the victims. You need to ASK THEM how they want to be feel safe. While your method might work for you, it might not be what everyone wants. It might not make everyone feel safe. So, talk to your peers. What is it that you can do for your own community? Is it writing an email to CC about this issue in the fandom? Is it addressing it in a larger platform like a magazine or YouTube? Is it reaching to Tumblr and talking to them about doing their job and enforcing the community guidelines efficiently? THIS is how you fix the problem - not by chasing people out when you find them to be problematic.

3. Why are you complicating this? Why can't we just call people out? Because then you will only be addresing the symptoms, not the root cause. I understand that most of you are minors and therefore will not have the same awareness about how the system works or don't ahem access to same resources and opportunities we adults do. But unfortunately, it is our reality. We all live online. We all need to educate ourselves and do better.

I'm sharing an excellent resource here which was developed by UN WOMEN in 2021 to speficially tackle the issue of bullying, disinformation and hate speech experienced by youth - especially young women. It's a free online course that helps you learn this topic better. It even gives you a certificate from the organization.

I am ALL for calling people out as long as you do it the right way. So, if you want to be a warrior on Tumblr, if you want to protect your peers, if you want to create a safe space, you need to learn how to do it the right way. Otherwise, like most social activists, you are doing more bad than good. Your attempts to create a better world only lead to more chaos and pain.

4. I still don't understand. Then here is a simply answer. I hope this helps.

Please make better choices. Be conscious of how your actions online affect people both in digital and offline spaces.

You are allowed to fight for your safety. You are allowed to fight for your rights. But you are not allowed to hurt another person to prove your point. Then your whole initiative becomes counterproductive.

You need to be more aware. You need think more critically.

Finally and most importantly - I once again ask that you do not drag me into this. I am not the president of this fandom. I am not your parent. While it is my job to create awareness and work on online safety, I am not on tumblr to be an activist. This is my safe space. This is my comfort space. This is where I come to take my mind off all the stressful and heartbreaking things I have to work on as an activist. I am here to shit post like most people. I do not have to teach you to be decent or how to be sensible or how to be kind. That is the job of the education system and your family.

I'm sorry those around you have failed you and it has come to this. I only hope you do not fail yourself.

Make better choices.

Love, Dani.

#tsc fandom #tsc #cyber bullying

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zen-garden-gnome · 3 years

Text

Long post about whiteness

I’m seeing a lot of false-start questions based on a narrow understanding of whiteness. Whiteness (and recovery from whiteness) can be tricky to unpack because it has a lot of layers that have been added over the years. So you’ll run into a layer and may be tempted to stop there, but it goes deeper.

1) Racial identity was a vague belief before it was officially named, but it’s not as old as many think it is. Prior to European Expansionism, travelers and merchants and militaries alike have generally referred to people based on their place of origin or their language. The idea of vaguely lumping hundreds of ethnicities together based on a handful of physical attributes started to kick up when Portugal began capturing and enslaving huge numbers of sub-Saharan Africans in the mid-1400s. As slave traders and “explorers” brought shiploads of captured, multi-ethnic Africans to Portuguese auction blocks to be traded all over Europe, what set these enslaved people apart from anyone else there (including other enslaved people) was a) the fact that they were to some degree darker than the Portuguese despite displaying a wide range of skin tones, b) were from Africa at the time, and c) were enslaved. When Christian militant and royal biographer Gomes de Zurara was hired in 1453 to write about the life and “accomplishments” of Portugal’s most famous slave trader, Infante Henrique aka Prince Henry the Navigator, he officiated, in writing, the idea that all these newly enslaved people were their own class of people with no differentiation between them. Here, race is a burgeoning social narrative invented to praise European slave traders, and this racial concept is defined in relation to slavery, African origins, and skin tone. Racial concepts appeared in tandem with racist concepts, because races began to be envisioned in order to excuse the abuse of others. The ideas of whiteness and blackness were birthed simultaneously, specifically around slavery, and they became deeply entrenched beliefs before they were ever officially named.

2. “Negro” became the first major racial term before “white” was widely used, binding the development of racial concepts even more securely with the practice of European slavery. In fact, race and racism became encoded in colonial-American law in 1640, when African servant John Punch ran away from his European buyers along with two European servants. He was eventually recaptured, as were his Dutch and Scottish companions. However, the colonial judicial system sentenced Punch to a lifetime of slavery, while the two Europeans had an extra year added to their initial servitude. This marks the first record of a Euro/American legal precedence for lifetime sentencing of enslavement based openly on race. John Punch’s African lineage and the other servants’ European lineage were the differences between their sentencing. Here, European origin was what freed a person from being of the “negro race” and therefore severely reduced one’s likelihood to enslavement. It was also the requirement for incoming settlers who wanted to be able to buy land. Only white people were allowed to develop inter-generational wealth, at a time when this continent was being carved up by land speculators for massive profits.

3. The concept of whiteness was officially named by Carl Linnaeus in order to rank Europeans as superior among other conceptual categories of people. It involved grouping hundreds of ethnic groups together to form white, yellow, red, and black races in he text “System Naturale" (1735). While primarily an introduction to our current taxonomy system, it included these racial categories. It was highly regarded by Europeans eager to cast themselves as superior because it a) created a popular “scientific” framework for excusing the most obscene (and profitable) crimes against humanity, b) officially outlined/invented the white race and identified it with everything good and the black race as everything bad, and then c) clearly defined Europeans as the basis of whiteness, “Homo sapiens europaeus.” Here, whiteness is coined to describe European ancestry, particularly in relation to “grotesque” non-whites.

4. An individual’s personal ideas of whiteness fluctuates with time and circumstances. As governments, social institutions, literature, etc all work to redefine history and clean up their image, people have different/less information to work with, but the effects are the same. The popular spoken definition of whiteness is often simply a reference to a relatively pale skin tone caused by European ancestry. Obviously there are pale people in other places around the world who aren’t European and weren’t related to the slavery of European Expansionism, so pale skin isn’t enough. The relation to Europe’s capitalistic global expansion is key. But what about European countries who didn’t go expanding this way, or whose involvement is harder to pinpoint? After all, most of the trading of enslaved indigenous peoples from Africa and North & South America were carried out by the Portuguese, Genoese, Dutch, French, British, Spanish, and Americans. Well, the rapid enrichment and development of the rest of Europe for centuries to come was specifically made possible by all the labor, resources, and capital brought in by this period of the European slave trade. European ancestry links every white person to privileges and developments born on the backs of black and indigenous enslaved peoples. Furthermore, simply being white makes one safer from these kinds of exploits, and today it also makes one safer from the effects of generations of racial prejudices and resource extraction on the global scene. Which brings me to...

5. Whiteness tends to involve one’s relative freedom. Freedom of movement, both physical and social, without immediate threat of policing. Freedom to explore one’s ancestral history without being blocked by 500 years of forced removal, renaming, forced childbirth, etc. Freedom to exist without having to actually know or respond to one’s racial identity. This one’s really important. Whiteness involves not having to think about being white, usually in relation to living in a country/region whose laws and norms are defined and enforced almost exclusively by other white people. Since whiteness and blackness arose mutually around the European slave trade, blackness is inherently tied to a lack of rights/freedoms and whiteness is inherently tied to an abundance of them. That doesn’t mean that every white person experiences these equally, and there will always be exceptions to the rule. But the exceptions don’t make the rule, and after centuries of globalized white supremacy, whiteness has become a subconscious signifier of power for people all over the place.

The big take-away is this: whiteness is inherently toxic. There is nothing positive to defend in whiteness. It was born out of ugliness and it is ugly to its core. That’s why it feels so bad. It’s why “white pride” is always ugly. However, the solution is not to disconnect from our ancestry. All that does is leave us trapped here, in an ugly set of circumstances, with no concept of who we are except what we’re living in, now. The real work to be done is to connect with our ancestry before whiteness, with the ancestors who related to the land as a living entity, before the land was limited in social memory to a source of private capital, servitude, and empire-building. This land, this Earth, is the backdrop against which all our relativity is measured. From this place of relative security, understanding, and development of the spirit, we can withstand the reality of our more recent ancestors, and finally heal from the last 1000 to 2000 years of trauma.

I know I’ve said this before, but now that I have this huge post, I’ll repeat it: Dr. Daniel Foor’s Ancestral Medicine is a really helpful book and/or course for this whole process. It’s not the end-all be-all resource, but it’s a great start! I’m also always down to talk about this stuff. Hit me up. I need to be able to talk about it, too.

(I should add, while blackness was created by white people and therefore was born out of the racism of whiteness, blackness was forced on people, while whiteness was claimed by the takers. It’s no white person’s place to have an opinion about "black identity.” White people started race, so white people are responsible for deconstructing our own race--no one else’s. We cannot be “post-racial” while everyone else is still living the violent reality of racism.)

#whiteness #race #ancestry

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flickeringart · 3 years

Text

Short natal chart reading

You asked specifically about your communication style, so I’ll cut to the chase.

Mercury is in Scorpio, which makes your quite impactful, purposeful and potent – you are likely very observant and able to read between the lines. You know the value of information and the impact it can have if revealed at the wrong time or presented in the wrong context or in the wrong way. You’re likely to want to keep your thoughts to yourself and only reveal selected parts to selected people – even if you do reveal yourself it is never the whole picture. You enjoy ambiguity to an extent, although there’s unease relative to what people might keep from you. You reserve your rights to be suspicious at all times - nothing is what it seems. The common stereotype for having Mercury in Scorpio is the “detective”. You might not want to leave any stone left unturned in your thinking process – which can take you into quite complex and intricate trains of thought on a daily basis. Since Mercury is conjunct the Sun, you derive a sense of self from your thinking – which can be both good and bad. Good because you feel that you are standing behind every word and thought that occupy your mind, bad because you might have a hard time differentiating yourself from your thinking. You might feel that your way of communicating is very much a reflection of who you are. This is not the case for everyone. Your Sun and Mercury are in the 1st house of Self, which means that you show up as your authentic self – people see you in your outward projected persona and what you think is a big part of who you are.

Your Sun-Mercury conjunction forms a strong square to Jupiter in the 11th. It might be that you find yourself blocked from accessing the freedom and optimism that you crave because it seems to contradict your way of communicating – even your sense of self. It would seem that, you have to spread yourself thin in order to socialize and be involved with a lot of people and causes, it would seem that you have to exaggerate to the detriment of your own innate caution and need for privacy which is natural to Scorpio individuals. Perhaps you feel that in order to have some chance of luck when interacting with people, you can’t be yourself all the way. You can’t display your true self with your friends and your network because in that sphere, you would feel the need to be purely optimistic open to experience. In your life, there’s expectance of good things to come, perhaps to the point of it being unreasonable – you might exaggerate your optimism in order to compensate for your innate caution and awareness of the impermanence of life. You put your faith in collective aspirations and although you might reap the benefits on one level, on another level you might feel frustrated that you’ve lost yourself to the group – in other words, what you gain from associating with people and forming connections is not allowing you to be yourself and communicate your opinions and thoughts in the way you would want to. Chiron in your 3rd house emphasizes the fact that you have to take a philosophical approach to cope with non-redeemable difficulties in communicating. What these difficulties and issues are exactly is impossible for me to say, possibly it has to do with the ignorance and lack of awareness of people around you – too much discipline or lack thereof in school, too much strictness and demands on how to interact, behave and think. Chiron is in Capricorn, which suggests that you would’ve felt debilitated in your ability to apply yourself effectively in your studies, feeling judged and inferior because of regrettable yet inevitable circumstances.

Saturn is in Gemini in the 9th house. It is also the ruler of your 4thhouse. It would seem that education and knowledge were promoted in your home growing up, not necessarily for the purpose of your own interest and self-fulfillment, but for the purpose of succeeding in society and developing your intellect. Saturn is in retrograde, which usually means that the native is hard pressed to personally undertake challenges for the sake of growth because they might not come on their own – and if they do, they are rarely conducive to goal of being responsible and self-reliant. In other words, you would need to push yourself and put yourself in situations that require effort, consciously. Since your question was specifically about communication, I should say that Saturn in Gemini points to insecurity and a sense of lack in mental abilities that might lead you to put on a charade of wit in order to not reveal your struggles. This is not beneficial although it’s understandable that there’s a hesitant attitude to be open an accepting of one’s insufficiencies. It’s fine to hide behind a coping mechanism as long as one is working on developing oneself from the ground up at the same time. Be honest and real with yourself in your struggle. There’s no shame in admitting to where one’s at and working toward betterment. Getting over the fear of intellectual failure is hard, yet you should keep in mind that you’re only ever truly accountable to yourself despite external authority trying to instill feelings of guilt or shame. Humility is the best antidote to prideful concealment of lack.

Your Moon in the 4th house in Capricorn points to a home with an emphasis on discipline instead of softness. The natural ruler of the 4th house is the opposite sign of Cancer, which has to do with mutual dependence and emotional nurturing within the home. Capricorn as the 4th house ruler is tough because you probably had to work to get your needs met. With your Moon in this sign and in this house, you might’ve adopted the attitude that nothing is for free and that you had to put aside your feelings in order to have a chance of stability and security in the long run. In any case, your home environment growing up was certainly serious. Neptune also sits in this house, squaring your Sun-Mercury conjunction. Perhaps it’s not too presumptuous of me to suggest that you had to blend in to the detriment of your own sense of self and your own mental assessments and opinions. With Neptune in the 4th there’s usually intense idealization as well as sensitivity to the environment and a need to blur the edges in order to cope with the less refined aspects of reality. You seek and sought complete merging within your family home, yet your yearning probably made you feel frustrated with yourself because you could never quite attain the love (Neptune square Venus) or the recognition of yourself that you hoped for (Neptune square Sun-Mercury). Your Venus in Scorpio is also in retrograde which means that external socializing, displays of love and affection was “lost on you” since you have a hard time with real understanding of what underlies social interaction. You might struggle with general unhappiness because of this, but your task is to cultivate the inner experience of satisfaction rather than seeking it in the external. Since you’re a Libra Rising, Venus is your chart ruler and it’s in its detriment in the sign of Scorpio. Your idea of beauty is tainted with themes of passion and intensity; you might enjoy reveling in the darker undercurrents, the things that are shocking, a bit taboo and forbidden.

Your Mars in in Libra, conjunct your Ascendant on the 12th house side. Mars is in the sign of its detriment, quite diplomatic and socially accommodating. Your way of asserting yourself is always aimed at being reasonable in light of the social setting and circumstance you’re in. Since Mars is in the 12th, you assert the will based on universal emotional longings that are common to every human being. You might never fight or argue on behalf of selfish agenda, it’s always in favor of trying to restore equilibrium and an experience of being emotional fused. You probably feel that anger is abstract energy and available for use, but it’s not to be employed on behalf of your separate self. Planets in the 12th can sometimes point to passed down familial issues, in the case of Mars here, personal drive and anger is “stuck in the ether”, unconscious and/or given up to live its own life “back stage”. Aries, the sign ruled by Mars, is in the 7th house, pointing out that you probably encounter your “shadow” (disowned qualities) of anger, selfishness and self-motivated action in other people. In addition, Lilith sits right on the Descendant in Aries, which suggests that you find other people irrationally independent and overly attached to getting their own way. You might even find that you compulsively display these traits in interaction with other people because you feel that you are going to be deprived of your chance to do what you want. You’re likely to feel deprived of your individual potency with these placements and you might come off as obsessively independent in relationships with other people for this reason. The whole dynamic stems from a feeling having to sacrifice personal interest and it often backfires in radical self-absorption and self-motivated action.

Let’s take a look at Pluto, your Sun ruler. It’s in your 2nd house, trine Jupiter and sextile Mars. You’re likely to be quite possessive fearfully protective of your material resources, which includes money and finances. You might be quietly and covertly acquiring your material necessities, or avoiding it all together because of the constant paranoia and threat of the rug being pulled out from underneath you. You don’t trust that you’re going to have enough for yourself to be content, ever, so you might be quite powerful and persevering in your quest for value. Pluto and Scorpio have a lot to do with impermanence and expecting crises to envelop without a moments notice so you’re always “on your toes” internally, scanning for potential chaos to break lose, especially as it relates to loosing what you value on a purely material level. This is especially true since Scorpio rules your 2nd house and Pluto is placed here. The Pluto-Jupiter trine would denote a strong sense of faith and confidence in your ability to survive ordeals, perhaps due to your sense of being part of something larger than yourself (Jupiter in the 11th house). You might be concerned with how to regenerate faith and find value in seemingly “dead matter”, metaphorically or literally speaking. Your Part of Fortune is conjunct Jupiter, which pints to your prosperity coming through the broadening and expanding of your understanding of life through involvement in groups or causes. It’s quite possibly even linked to your career. You might take on the role of the inspiring and visionary teacher that transforms people’s lives (Pluto trine Jupiter). Or, put in other terms, your teaching and sharing of yourself will make you feel powerful and impactful in the world of ideas as well as that of form (Jupiter in 11th trine Pluto in the 2nd). Your South Node conjuncts your Pluto, so it’s easy for you to wield subtle power and take control. Pluto sextile Mars gives you a relentless will; you do fight dirty even if it’s below the surface and through quiet coercing and strategic manipulation that is barely noticed. Guilt seems to be a popular tool for Scorpio Mars in attempt to control matters, and the same could be said for Pluto-Mars aspects. Mars in the 12th easily lends itself to acting out the role of the martyr or victim of circumstances and when aspecting Pluto, this can be used strategically. You can probably be a little ambiguous and subtly threatening in your actions in order to get what you want.

Finally, let’s look at Uranus. It’s in its domicile in Aquarius in the 5thhouse, trine Saturn. The 5th house has to do with activities of self-expression and it would seem that you find an outlet for breaking out of the societal bars of convention within this sphere. You might have fun exploring new collective trends and ways of expressing yourself that challenges the status quo. It would seem that you incorporate your offbeat ways nicely with the necessity to conform and succeed within society, since Uranus trines Saturn. However, seeing as Saturn is in retrograde, you are not particularly in touch with the limits and boundaries of society – they don’t make sense to you. You might set high goals for yourself and work diligently to reach them, yet you don’t experience a correlation between your effort and the payoff. Looking to what is wrong with authority, rebelling against it and pushing new, more progressive thought systems might come easily to you for this reason. You might be inclined to hop on a collective thought trend and identify with it, embody it in your own unique way. You’re likely to express alternative ideas and conceptual framework through your creativity and spontaneity.

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If you’re interested a general chart reading similar to this one feel free to message me. I do a Basic Natal Chart Reading without the use of astrological language for 13.44 USD (6-7 pages), but if you want a more casual overview of your chart or have any specific question you would like me to go into, I charge 10 USD for about 4 pages.

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damselofblueroses · 3 years

Text

The Name of the Rose, Chapter 3

Summary: Your study-buddy Doh Kyungsoo comes with you for a long-awaited trip to Tokyo, Japan. There is a tension between you, however both of you decided to build a friendship instead of a relationship.

Chapter Summary: Kyungsoo made a mistake on his delicate relationship with the reader, then he could not find a way of apologizing. Reader made his life harder than he could imagine. They accepted that they mutually have some feelings however they could not name them. Catastrophy begins with Kyungsoo’s acceptance of reader’s interesting and unexpected offer.

Content: Unestablished relationship, AU, Hurt/Comfort, Anger, Slight Violence, Emotional Complications and Healing.

Warnings: Well, the story contains NSFW/Smut, please minors do not continue.

Note: This story was inspired by D.O.’s album, Empathy, the album of 2021 in my opinion. It is an ongoing mini project, I planned to write it as a one-shot when I started, however I realized there are a lot to say about Empathy Era and I cannot stop shut my mouth, or prevent myself from writing… So, here we go.

Chapter Word Count: 5.7k

Series Masterlist

Prettier than Roses

Perhaps Kyungsoo was still punishing himself even after all this time, whether he was aware of his regrets or not. But he was punishing himself, for not being vocal about his feelings for you. He burned for you, he followed you just as a bloody puppy dog tail, but he always kept his heart’s desires in his chest.

He was resisting the urge of confessing, the dire need of being more than a friend for you as he was performing all roles of a friend, but God, he hated his role in your life. Even though he strongly believed that he did not have a chance with you, not even in the slightest, not after he played his role very well, more than he wanted and resulted in being your very dear and close friend. A friend, but nothing more nothing less. He hated so much, if he could, he would change everything in the blink of an eye.

He knew that he had to take you back to the safety of your room immediately. Before he was going to lose his shit. Before he was going to make a mistake. Before he was going to fuck the things up so bad. He was determined to take the cab and keeping you away from himself.

He did not want any distraction, shit he fucking dreamed of ripping that bloody dress off you during the dinner, he did not wish anything but managing to lock himself inside of his room before doing something stupid.

His clenched his fists in order to focus on a different thing. When he saw the cab coming to your direction, he was on the verge of praying.

However, when he turned to you, he just lost his shit.

You were looking at him with you big-doe eyes, a pout on your lips. The city lights were painting you with a dim yellow shine, multiplying your summer rose vibe. To Kyungsoo’s dismay, the wind carried your floral fragrance to him.

He remembered what you asked him.

He remembered what you requested.

Kyungsoo would do it right, he would touch you rightly and correctly, goddamn, he was fucking dreamed of how he could touch you since years. He was not better than the men you went out with, he was fantasizing a lot about you, he felt bad since he did not have your permission, fucking hell if he would ask your permission, but at the same time he knew that he was just helpless when those thoughts about you popped up in his imagination.

Unfortunately, all those dreams were so vivid.

You were like an island to him. A place for self-isolation, a place of happy utopias, a place of loneliness, a place of joy and fruitful ways of living, a place of exile and a place of connection. You were his island, his harbour and he needed to make you his, only his.

Since the day you were asleep on his shoulder in the bloody library, Kyungsoo wanted nothing but you.

Since the day you jumped in front of Kyungsoo out of nowhere with your fucking Cheshire cat grin, Kyungsoo only wished for being able to stick to you till the end. He did not care if he was torturing himself by dreaming of you when he knew he could not have you.

Your scent was too good.

Kyungsoo did not think what the heck he was doing, his mind could not catch his actions. His breath caught in the center of his throat like he was thirsty since ages, he could feel all dryness. He watched himself out of his body, he reached to you and dragged you into the cage of his arms.

Your smell was something else and Kyungsoo was immediately drunk in your scent.

“It is okey, Kyungsoo.” he heard your sweetest voice.

Kyungsoo did not need anything more to hear. The cab just disappeared into the darkness he caressed your face.

“You are so beautiful.” the words he was desperate to say finally fell from his tongue, mingled with the air. Your eyes slightly widened, and he heard your little gasp, that was the nail of Kyungsoo’s coffin. “Goddamn, you are fucking beautiful.”

“Kyungsoo” you literally moaned his goddamn name, and if there was still a kind of sanity left in Kyungsoo’s mind, your moan unconditionally destroyed it.

He kissed you and it took your breath away, both of you.

He kissed you enough to empty your lungs, and made your mind go to mush.

You were the one who broke the kiss in order to catch your thoughts. Your mind was scattered all around. You leaned over to your shaking knees and held them tightly.

“This… This…” you were panting, trying to find an excuse in the book in order to justify the kiss he gave to you.

“This means nothing.” Kyungsoo muttered but he could also reject to his claim with two reasons. First, It definitely did not fell like fucking nothing, and he never want something more than kiss you.

“Well, it means a lot to me.” you could not help but spill the beans. “Where in the hell you learned how to kiss like this?”

“I told you that you never have a proper taste of me.” Kyungsoo tensely chuckled, hell, he was aware of he was doing everything in his not-to-do list, but the spell you put on him made him impervious to anything except you.

“If you kiss every girl like this,” you hesitated to tell what you wanted to say, then you just gave up. JesusfuckingChrist, if he did not want to hear, he would better not to kiss you. Since he turned your brain into mush, he had to listen. “There is no surprise they are chasing you every day.”

“I do not kiss every girl first and foremost.” Kyungsoo’s eyebrows were furrowed. “If they want to chase me, what can I do?”

“And now you are bragging about yourself.” Your mood quickly changed into a less pleasurable and preferrable situation. “Can we go back?”

“Yes, of course.” he nod but you knew that you just destroyed everything was building between you in the blink of eye. You bite your upper lip so hard, preventing you from crying. Not now. Not before you were going to be under your blanket.

That kiss, that fucking kiss, it was all Kyungsoo’s fault.

He gave you a proper taste of himself, and you just wanted to cry, you were deeply sad because of you were not able to have him, you could not have him. He would not come to you as he boldly stated that the kiss meant nothing.

You were angry.

You were sad.

You were disappointed of yourself.

You just wanted to go back to the safety of your room and being able to talk with Chanyeol. He would understand. You knew that Baekhyun would give you a lot of advice in order to seduce Kyungsoo, but you did not want even to hear them.

He told you the kiss meant nothing.

Hell, if you could agree with this shitty statement, you would be lying your ass off.

Fuck off, you bastard you thought. You were fighting with your tears, trying to send them back. You were a big, strong girl and you could control your feelings.

You always were extremely strong, and you were famous for your self-control. You were not going to let Kyungsoo to destroy your inner peace or seeing you in tears because of his fucking rejection. You thought Kyungsoo would do it better, kissing you better, making you feel good, but the only thing he did was dismantling your foolish dreams.

He put you in your place, he gave you a lesson about your place in his eyes.

Nothing.

Kyungsoo could not look at you while you two were in the cab, going back to the hotel.

He knew that he fucked the things up so bad and he could not think a way to claim back from the pit he fell down by himself.

He kissed you, goddamn, it was the best kiss of his whole life, then he just said it meant nothing.

He cursed himself, he wished for the earth cracked like an egg and swallow his worthless presence. He made you upset, that’s why he could not look at your face. He knew what he was going to see, your eyes were going to mirror his mistake.

He lost in the moment, and while he was trying to give you a justification of that kiss, he just irrevocably ruined everything.

When you arrived at the hotel, you paid for the cab without saying a single word to Kyungsoo and directly walked to the inside of the hotel.

Kyungsoo was dying to grab you and apologizing on his knees, but your face telling him not to dare touching you.

He did not enter the hotel, he just sat on a chair in the garden. He was lost in his self-hatred, dreadful overthinking that had his skull feeling stuffed and a lifeless gaze washed all his feature.

He expected nothing but long days where the minutes bled into hours, hours into days and the inability to differentiate one day from the other. He mentally prepared himself for more than self-hatred, he knew that depression, isolation, and numbness were on their way to finish him, to eat him alive. Your face expression when he told you it was nothing was carved behind his eyelids, whenever he closed his eyes.

Kyungsoo was ready for flashbacks and nightmares, disturbing recollections that would render him for the following days.

Comatose, Kyungsoo thought. It was going to be a comatose for him.

How could he think he was better than those guys you went out? They did not destroy your expectations; they did not blend your self-confidence as Kyungsoo did in the seconds.

You did not know but there was a reason why Kyungsoo hopelessly tried to spare you from his kiss. You did not know but Kyungsoo heard a conversation between you and Chanyeol for once, when Chanyeol was telling that Kyungsoo was different for you, Kyungsoo was caring you more than anyone else, Kyungsoo was always there for you before anyone else just like he forgot how to shut his mouth as he continued. Chanyeol was the one who told you about Kyungsoo’s feelings.

And you just giggled of disbelief as Chanyeol went on about everything Kyungsoo wanted to tell you. Open your eyes to the facts.

You just laughed at his feelings coming from Chanyeol’s mouth and you told him it was impossible, you declared that there was nothing could be happened between Kyungsoo and you. You told Chanyeol, Kyungsoo was a good guy, but you did not think he was for you.

He wanted to save you from an unwanted situation which Kyungsoo could put you in by kissing you. It was sake, telling him to teach you, and Kyungsoo stupidly fell for it.

Till now he preferred to hide in the shadows, dancing around the subject than jumping onto it.

But this logic that his mind was following did not change how much he hated himself right now.

He had no regrets on kissing you, god knew that. He still could taste your velvety lips under his lips, he knew that moment was going to live with him till the end of his life. That kiss was grounding but inebriating, he was feeling sane while bringing both of you to the edge of insanity, your lips burned him like a fire.

When you touched him, you marked his skin, your touch stayed on him.

But he hated himself so much, enough to made him feel suffocating.

He found himself standing up and heading to your room before he could understand what the heck he was aiming for. The deep rumble of his chest that he could almost feel vibrate through the air as he walked through the way coming to you, helped him to prepare himself to face with you.

What could it be? he asked to himself. You could tell him get the fuck off, but he was not going to obey to your wish this time.

It was going to be a rumbling, he knew your possible reactions when you were sad, Goddamnit, you were extraordinarily upset with him, but he did not let this fact to disheartened him. He was not a coward; he was going to fix his mistake.

Kyungsoo raised his hand to knock your door, but before doing it, he heard your voice. As he thought, you were talking with Chanyeol or Baekhyun, he was not sure. He came closer to the door as much as he could, and did not give a shit to the rightful concern what if someone saw him while he was leaning on a single woman’s room like a stalker pervert?

He did not care.

He only cared for hearing your words after the incident.

Your voice was cracked, and he could not hear you properly, your voice was coming and going like a goddamn ancient radio. He could hear some words but there was no consistency or no chance of building a logical sentence of your words. He could perceive his name, with couple of words which Kyungsoo hoped not to be used with his name again, some broken lines on how disappointed you were, and he caught your oh-god-fucking-damn-it type of annoyance against Kyungsoo.

He gave up and knocked your door.

Twice.

There was no sign from you, and Kyungsoo was tired of patiently waiting.

He did his waiting. Seven years. In a fucking friendzone he put himself in.

He aggressively knocked on your door, and he did not stop until you gave up and opened the door.

“Shit.” he cursed when he saw your face. “You look horrible.”

Oh really? you thought.

After leaving Kyungsoo, you did not spend a single second to lock yourself in your secure and lonely room, then you just pressed the right numbers to make a call. Chanyeol was there for you, he listened your rambling and gibberish without a sign of inconvenience. He let you to curse Kyungsoo as much as you wanted, he joined you for the little party of swearing at Kyungsoo and he was generous on his vocabulary.

But you cried even when Chanyeol managed to put a broken smile on your face by telling you maybe Kyungsoo was not interested in girls, otherwise he had to be on his knees for you.

You cried for Kyungsoo more than anything made you cry till now.

Your sadness caught you off guard, even you did not expect to be upset with him like this, your feelings were like a blunt blade, it was turning in your heart over and over, using your own blood to be sharp again, then continuing its spinning in your heart. Pain made you numb; you could do only cry.

Your eyes were puffed and literally red. Your cheeks were red. Your lips were red.

Of course, you looked goddamn horrible as Kyungsoo, this asshole, proudly observed. Applause time for him for his greatest deduction.

“Nothing can escape from your eyes, Sherlock.” you murmured. “Couldn't you pay your attention on the fact that we already passed the midnight? Why are you here?”

“May I come in?” Kyungsoo kindly asked but something in his eyes were telling you to be on your toes and careful.

“No.” You congratulated yourself because of your refined answer. You were an idiot for sure, instead of playing with him and showing that he had no impacts on you, you chose to manifest how much you were broken by him. Good for you.

Transformation started in his eyes. Those chocolate brown and very warm eyes, reminding the deer’ beauty, perfectly shaped as almonds turned into crescents, and it was a bloody indicator of his mood was shifted into something dangerous. He was always quick to switch the moods, but he had never looked intimating at this level. You really could not believe what the heck he did, he just grabbed your fucking wrists, dragged you inside of your fucking room without your permission and pressed you on your fucking wall.

“Kyungsoo, fuck off!” you hissed at him, trying to save yourself from his iron grasp, swallowing hard.

“Tell me just one thing and save both of us from misery.” he whispered; his low-pitched voice gave you goosebumps which you really tried to take no notice of, but your traitor body willingly has been taking everything if the giver was Kyungsoo. “Why did you cry?”

“What if I do not want to tell you?” you lifted your chin, you needed to distance yourself from him, he already ruined the progress just a couple of hours ago. His statement clearly taught you whatever your friendship was not the best way to build a new kind of relationship, and you strongly opposed to be friends with benefits or those kinds of agreements. You would not go for them, you wanted Kyungsoo as your lover, not as your fuckbuddy.

“Do me a favor,” he enunciated each syllable and moved his right hand to your shoulder, pressing you into wall just like he wished to ground you right there. “Tell me.”

He leaned on you, his palm made contact with your shoulder, sliding up to your neck and staying there. His touch was heavy again, hotter than before.

He was goddamn close.

When you tried to save your body from him again, Kyungsoo’s hips rutted against yours.

Well, now you could feel more than before.

“Stop fucking moving!” he grunted, surprising you with the sudden and macho voice tone. He looked like very uncomfortable. “You and your idiotic behaviour!”

“If you do not like it, let me go!” you hissed, but you felt a knot was forming in the pit of your stomach. You were afraid of his impacts on you, especially after that fucking kiss. He had you over there as melted like a chocolate under heat.

Even while you were fighting to free yourself, your eyes unconsciously gravitated along his features, all you could do was thinking of him all the time you had spent with him. Those piercing brown eyes and those plump, smooth and heart-shaped lips that are always set in a witty line, the smallest moles and a couple of freckles all around his tiny nose and rosy cheeks, his long eyelashes, and that bloody soft hair of him, caused you to desire running your fingers through.

He was driving you fucking crazy, and you hated his power on you.

“Oh, believe me if I do not like even your idiotic side,” he leaned forward, closed the little proximity between your bodies and you felt the air left your lungs with your sanity. “I would not kiss you, damn woman.”

You were lost for words, you were run down, the only thing you could voice was an exasperated huff. Kyungsoo stared at you, refusing to loosen his grip around your body, instead he held you for his dear life and his gaze was nothing but absolutely penetrating.

You turned your head, trying to find something else to fix your eyes upon while you had been seeking the meaning of his words about liking your idiotic side.

Did he convey his feelings? Did he really stand for liking you, if he liked even your idiotic side, did it indicate that he liked all of you?

If he kissed you because he liked you, did that kiss imply more than nothing for him?

If yes, why he told you it meant nothing?

“Look at me.” his left hand cupped your face gently, on the contrary of his eyes, burning with fires, you could see the red was invading chocolate brown circles. “Do not avert your eyes.”

You blinked and shut your eyelids tightly. Suddenly, the silence in the room was more palpable than it was before, drowning both of you in a foggy swamp of riddles.

You were pissed off, broken and now, thanks to his complicated words, you were more than confused.

Kyungsoo was pissed off, broken and now, thanks to your complicated reactions, he was more than confused.

“If you were so keen on trying to convince yourself that I meant that kiss was nothing,” his jaw flexed, and his eyes were clouded. “I was trying to make amend for my fault. I should have not kiss you.”

You shivered, despite it was a very hot summer night, and Kyungsoo’s warm body made your temperature skyrocketed.

“Why?” you asked. “You do not make any sense, Kyungsoo.”

“Look, who is talking?” he rolled his eyes back. “You never make any sense about our fucking relationship since the beginning. I told you many times, pay your attention.”

You should be warned to follow the signs. Collect them and find the hidden meaning. Kyungsoo was sure on his patience, he could wait for you as much as you wished, he could give you time as much as you needed, but he had no patience to hide in the shadows anymore.

He knew that his constant shifting between one side to the other surprised you, hell it surprised even himself, he did not think about any of this, but since that kiss happened between you, since Kyungsoo got a taste of you, since he could touch you… Everything was changed.

He did not want to let you go.

He could not let you go.

He was aware of you did not belong to him, maybe you did not perceive Kyungsoo as a man, but he could not be your friend anymore. He wanted to tell you how much he adored you more than before. He wanted to kiss you more than before. He wanted to see your face when he woke up, he wanted to cuddle you when he was sad, he wanted to lean on your shoulder when he was broken, he wanted to cook for you, he wanted to sing for you, he wanted to make you happy, he wanted to make you feel good, he wanted to be your harbour to shelter from the stormy seas, your rock to build your home.

He wanted to live his life with you. He wanted to share even the smallest detail of his fucking life with you.

“I told you that I even like your idiotic side,” he clarified. “And you still avert your eyes from me.”

That ignited the fire of your soul.

“Hell, excuse me for my idiotic side but if I remember correctly and my memory never fails me, I told you that it was fucking okey just before you kissed me, after I shared my catastrophic first kiss experience with you,” your voice was not trembling anymore. It was firm, fuelled by your anger. “Then, all you could say was that kiss stands for nothing. What do you expect me to say?”

“Even if you are upset with me, talk to me!” he frowned. “I ask nothing but your words, truly and fully. Is this too much to expect? Hell, you were the one who said that I am a good guy but not made for you, why you are so upset with me because I made an excuse for that kiss?!”

It was your turn to froze. Kyungsoo finally let you go, he stepped back, and his arms crossed over his chest, but you froze to death. You could not move but looking at his unchanging expression like an idiot he just named it correctly.

“Yes,” you took a deep breath. If Kyungsoo said this to your face, it meant that he wanted you to face a revelation. He wanted you to know that he heard your words about him, the words which you vividly remember as you said them to Chanyeol without knowing that Kyungsoo was able to hear them. If he heard them, you owed an explanation to him. Maybe you were just searching an excuse in the book, but you gave up. You were going to tell him what you think of him. “It was me. I still have the same observation. You are damn good for me, if I would say the opposite, I would be lying my ass off.”

Kyungsoo’s face went blank.

What did you say to him? He wanted you to talk truly, however right now he was nothing but almost regretful what he had said to you. Kyungsoo hoped for you did not mean that for real, he wished it was just a gibberish.

Were you a goddamn fool?

He knew the low level of your self-confidence, but your statement was nothing but the shittiest one he has ever heard.

“What?” he murmured. “You think I am good for you?”

“Yes.” you nod. “Look at yourself, Kyungsoo! You are damn good at everything you do, you are clever, hard-working, funny, firm and always trustable, I even do not go for your physical quality, it is fucking obvious, you are handsome as fuck. Of course, I could not say anything different, you were not made for me.”

Suddenly, your hands became the focus of your attention, you fixed your eyes onto them instead of looking at Kyungsoo, who took his time before registering and recording your words in his brain. Then, his hands started were smashed together unintentionally.

“And during all this time,” he heard his own voice trembling, as if being blown by the brute force that he was trying to contain inside of his chest. “I thought you are the cleverer one.”

“Ha?”

“I really do not understand why I think you can follow the signs I have been giving to you like a bloody idiot.” he could not help but growled at you. “In my opinion, you are the only girl who deserves to feel fucking good, and if I can be that one to bring you to such a high, I would willingly do it.”

“I do not un-

“Because you do not want to see!” Kyungsoo could not control himself but go ballistic because of your blockheadedness. How could a woman be clueless at this level? What should he do, continue to scream at you about his feelings or should he bring a testimony that was approved by lawyers?

Didn’t you understand how much he cared for you?

Didn’t you see his almost tangible desires for you?

Everyone could sense his love for you, but you could fucking not, and Kyungsoo was burned out because of your total ignorance.

“Are you,” your whisper reached to his ears. “Are you interested in me?”

Kyungsoo decided that, on the contrary of your academic success, you were literally a retard.

“Why do you think I follow you everywhere like I am your dog tail?” he clenched his fists. Quickly, he walked towards you, but stopped just in front of your trembling body. “What do you think of me, do I look like a lost puppy?”

“No.” you were offended by his words. Dog tail? Puppy? He was not that much cute at first place with his level of being witty and shitty! However, after one look at him, you were not sure anymore, even he was clearly pissed off, he was fucking gorgeous and cute. “Shit, Kyungsoo, you are annoying.”

“You are the damn annoying one.” Kyungsoo started to question himself, he wanted nothing more than to fuck this attitude out of you right there, in your double sized bed. “All I did was finding an excuse which can make you relaxed with me, and I accepted my failure. I should have neither kiss you nor lie about it. But I did, and I apologize for my misbehaviour. Let’s look at you, you are just asking goddamn questions and ignoring my answers. Who is the annoying one?”

You whipped your head around; your eyes were glistering with a layer of tears, forming in the edges.

“Are you interested in me, or not?” you cried. Kyungsoo glanced up, he registered the sudden stiffness in you, and how you consciously averting your eyes away from him. He remembered that same stiffness invaded your posture when you wanted to learn what happened to your dad while he was in emergency, or you were hopelessly driving into Busan when you received after the news of Chanyeol’s motorcycle crash.

He finally understood what you needed to hear.

You wanted his words.

You wanted him to say those words.

“I have always been interested in you.” he gave up. Your heart jumped into your throat at his blunt answer, you did not know how you feel about this information, having a place in Kyungsoo’s head was something you always hoped for, but never believe it could be real. Half of you thrilled with a delicious excitement, while the other half wanted to run away because of fear.

What if he was going to fuck around with you then ditch you?

What if he was going to try being with you then decide to leave you?

What if he was going to pour happiness into your life, you even could not dream of, then disappear?

Your dilemma was in your head. Carved into your mind, body, and soul.

Your biggest fear was losing Kyungsoo.

“I hate this eerily silence between us.” Kyungsoo cut you off before you could dig yourself into a deeper hole. How could you tell him he was everything and more you wanted from this life? How could you make him to understand how much you devoted yourself to him unconditionally? You watched him with darkening eyes, darkening with your fears, with your concerns, with your worries. Your eyes were dark as the pitch-black. “I am sorry to disturb you. See you tomorrow morning if you want to have a breakfast with me.”

Every layer of privacy and secrecy that you desperately tried to build till now in order to keep your weakest point from him were dissolved when he directly headed to the door. You did not even realize but threw yourself in order to stop him.

“Do not go.” you let the tears fall then and held his toned arm for your dear life. You could not let him to leave you behind, otherwise you would be damned. “Do not leave me, before you really have to do.”

“Why should I have to leave you?” Kyungsoo turned back to you. You saw the hesitation of his moves, he wanted to caress your face, but he was holding himself. “I cannot do it, even if I want to. You are too precious for me, bookworm.”

Your face was softened by his rich baritone voice and the nickname he gave you. Calling you as a bookworm was reserved to Kyungsoo, he beaten the shit out of even Baekhyun when he also called you like Kyungsoo.

“One day you will, Soo.” you were lost in your nightmares, mulling over horrendous scenarios your subconscious had been giving you in a fucking row. “One day someone will steal you from me, one day you will fall in love with a girl and leave me behind.”

Something told you that you should have been keeping this logic to yourself, but you were extremely emotional at the very moment. Your expectations, dreams, fears, hopes, everything was mixed up and conjoined with the amount of sake you just consumed.

You were talkative tonight, something very rare for you and Kyungsoo was happy for that. Even though you had been going through a hell of a night. He was also oversensitive, his mind was clouded by his own dreads and doubts, however when you sharply deducted on his not-existed-because-of-you love affairs, he could not help but chuckled.

“First, I have to see the girls.” his throat was like a sandpaper as he swallowed. The rosy tint on your cheeks was obviously growing, invading your skin, and heading to the south. He hardly took his eyes off your neck and the rest of the direction. “Excuse me, but I have eyes only for you.”

“You cannot say that!” you winced, by fanning your face with your hands.

“Then enlighten me.” he defended himself. “How should I say it? Sorry, but I believe in monogamy.”

Your knuckles paled as your grip around his arm tightened.

How could you name the hunger that driving you into crazy? How could you tell him even looking at him, even if you have not a single clue what was going to be happen, riling you up? You supposedly liberated yourself from Kyungsoo, but tearing his gaze away was impossible for you.

You wanted him. So, fucking bad.

You wanted his hands. His lips. His body.

You wanted his soul. His heart.

You were starting to pull him to yourself without noticing, Kyungsoo’s eyes were widened when you took the initiative to your hands.

Literally.

“Do you remember what I asked to you?” you whispered.

“About?” Kyungsoo exhaled with your unexpected shifting between moods. He did not trust his voice, not now, not when you were so close to him, enough to feel your breath on his lips.

His throat was like the deserts of Egypt right now.

“About teaching me.” you murmured into his fucking ear. “When it comes to touch someone?”

“Yeah.” he swallowed very hard, biting a tsunami of cursing back.

“Will you teach me?” your hands wandered around his arms to his chest and stopped there. “For the future references?”

“If I were you,” he groaned. “I would not think about future references.”

You rolled your eyes, taking your hands back off his body. Kyungsoo caught your hands and put them back on his chest, while he was aggressively dragged you into his arms.

“I am going to teach you.” his eyebrows were furrowed. “How you should be touched.”

Kyungsoo was never going to forget how your eyes glowed after his words with excitement.

He was not sure but it seemed like you wanted him almost like how he wanted you.

Desperately and fucking needy.

He carried you to the bed.

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