#also sure ur intentions with that could have been good but during that period i was the most depressed id been in my life

[godslittlesadge]

ddude post that spawned in my feed reminded me of the annoying ass moral highground im better than you because i interact with more intellectual media in a more intellectual way / because i have a job / because im not a freak era that tumblr was in between 2020 - beginning of 2023. glad that we're mostly over with that but im sending very powerful "you're so annoying and i dont like you" rays at whoever was involved in that

#like even if i do believe stuff like you should also read books other than fanfics in order to keep your brain training #interacting with more people/ going out more for your mental health #it was so clear that the nature of most of those posts was im better than you freaks #pretty sure that shit started with that touch grass trend and ended with that urr durr who are you when ure not consuming media post #which im so grateful for 🙏🏻 thank u for being so clearly pretentious thank u thank u #that 'can you stand it. can you stand it“ DHSKJDKSJDKSFJ #also sure ur intentions with that could have been good but during that period i was the most depressed id been in my life #i wasnt going out i completely isolated myself losing most of my relationships i fell behind in my studies #and those posts didnt help me they made me feel even more ashamed than i already was so thanks champs 👍🏻 cheers

[tofuwhale]

Genshin Impact Boy Headcanons!! [Kaeya, Childe, Zhongli, Xiao & Diluc]

Me and my friend (Tofu) decided to make a bunch of headcanons while we were hyped up about the boys!!!! Please excuse our fangirling lol they’re mainly SFW with a little NSFW mentions in some

I might write one-shots based on these headcanons in the future lol, we’re also open to more headcanon prompts/characters so please leave us an ask!

Enjoy <3 

-🐋

Type of Tiktok boys they would be

Kaeya

Kaeya would own a roleplaying account with the subtitles and shit where it’s like ‘POV: you’re on a date with me’

Smooth asf, actually makes you blush when you watch his tiktoks

Diluc

He would have an account where he’s just mixing cocktails and showing off his skills as a bartender in front of a window

Zhongli

Fashion icon asf

Mainly formal fashion like suits and shit 

He’s confused by the comments because they all say “rail me” and Childe thinks it’s hilarious so he just doesn’t tell Zhongli what it means

Childe

WHITE BOY 

STRAIGHT TIKTOK 

he probably dances like noah beck

Xiao

Bitch doesn't know tiktok 

OR he’s the anonymous type, he uses his mask to hide his identity and shows his hands only 

Comments are horny 

You bake a chocolate cake for your best boy!

Kaeya

So sweet would appreciate the cake

Tells you to close your eyes to spoon feed you asf 

You start blushing and he laughs at you for being flustered so easily

Ends up plugging ur air holes with the cake bc he smashed it to your face

Runs off laughing as you run after him

Diluc

Just thanks you and eats the cake 

If it turns out bad, he would ask to help you next time OR he just wouldn't say anything and smile at you painfully as he eats it 

Offers to get a cook to make you something as well like a true gentleman but you refuse

Zhongli

Confused by the concept of chocolate cake, but tries it anyways to make you happy

Don’t get too happy, he’ll criticise your baking so hard till you have tears spewing out your eyes

Childe

LAUGHS AND SMILES His smile is so bright it blinds you 

HEAD PATS!!!!!

Calls you a ‘good girl’

“Let’s eat it together, okay?”

Xiao 

Says to you he doesn’t like chocolate when you give him it, but eats it when you leave anyways

Asks you to make more, not directly but hints it out later like

“I’m in the mood for some cake rn” 

A total tsundere 

What they’d be like if they’re jealous over you, or if they would even get jealous at all

Kaeya

He’d tease you about it but probably be hurt on the inside 

“Woooow, is this your new boyfriend? Personally I think you could do much better,” and then winks at you

You’d pay for it in bed ;) 

Diluc and Zhongli

They’d pretend not to be bothered, having trust in you and the relationship but would also secretly maybe ask around the city about who the dude you’re talking to is 

Childe

SUPER JEALOUS!!! He’d make sure to let the other guy know that you’re his by hugging you really close and kissing you while the other guy is around 

Maybe a little bit overbearing at times but he’s yours and you’re his so it doesn’t matter <3 

Xiao

Wouldn’t know the concept of jealousy since he’s been alone all his life but he’d feel uncomfy seeing you talk to another person

He’d probably furrow his brows, pout and walk back to his balcony

Being a sad puppy, arms crossed and resting on the rails waiting for you to come back

What they would do if you got a cold and had to stay in bed

Kaeya

Teases you calling you stupid and laughs at you when you say it’s because you tried to pet a cryo slime 

But he makes sure to take care of your commissions and work at the Knights’ while you’re sick 

Diluc

Would personally see to it that you’re taken well care of at the winery

Would walk into the bedroom while he thinks you’re asleep and pet your head and tell you cute stories about his day so that you have good dreams

Zhongli

Silently makes you soup but fails immensely 

you drink it anyways to be nice

Would crawl into the sheets with you while you're asleep to cuddle and then catch your cold

Childe

Holds your hands while you’re in bed and makes sure you get enough sleep, is actually concerned as hell and won’t make any jokes about it 

Won’t be able to do any work or anything, he’d be worrying if you’re ok or not

SOOOOo happy when you’re feeling better but gives you a whole lecture about not staying out so late when it’s cold

Xiao

HE’D MAKE YOU ALMOND TOFU with soup on the side perhaps

Tells you to be more careful

Runs his hands through your hair when you’re about to sleep

First “I love you”

Kaeya

He’d teasingly say “i love you” 

But he says it all the time so you can’t tell whether he’s being serious or not

Would let you suffer alone trying to figure out his intentions when he definitely knows he loves you

Diluc

He’d say it while you’re bedridden with your cold, thinking you’re asleep

It’s because he’s too afraid that one day he’ll eventually lose you 

Zhongli

He never actually says it but shows it through his actions, like buying you plushies and sweets when you’re sad 

He uses your mora to buy the plushies and sweets but you don’t really care anyways because it’s the gesture that counts!!

You know he loves you anyways so he never has to say it <3

Childe

He’d just say it out of nowhere dead serious while you two are goofing around during a pillow fight

You’re really shocked but before you can say anything back he throws another pillow at your face while laughing

‘Pretends’ it never happened after but gets soft when you finally say it back

Xiao

He’d confess during the lantern festival

You’d both be watching the lantern’s

While you’re watching, Xiao would turn to you to see your reaction

Smiles slightly before whispering “i love you”

WOULD REACH FOR YOUR HAND AFTER THAT and squeeze it bc he doesn’t want to lose you either by him dying or you leaving him

The perfect date

Kaeya

Sex. period.

Just a lot of sex like a sex marathon because he loves seeing you being pleasured by him

TONS OF CUDDLING AFTER!!! And sleeping!!! Aftercare yes. 

Diluc

FIGHTING TOGETHER 

He’d think doing things you both love together is best date anyone could do

Y’all have each others backs

Power couple

Zhongli

Shopping. Duh. Mister spends all his mora or wtv buying anything and everything he sees because he’s thinking of you while he buys them

When he runs out he asks for you to pay even though they’re gifts for you

He’s hilarious

Childe

Would be a fun date

Going to the beach to swim or an amusement park with a ferris wheel

The day would end with the two of you sitting on a bench eating ice cream together and he laughs when you get ice cream on your nose

Xiao

Would rather stay at home/hotel room and not get disturbed by anyone

Probably sleeping in because he’s always tired for having to fight nearby enemies

BREAKFAST IN BED!! The two of you eat almond tofu until you’re sick of it 

You drag him out of bed because you want to try to make almond tofu for fun

It tastes bad but you two have fun making it together and that’s what counts!!!!!

(Angst) What an argument with him is like/ What he’s like when you two are fighting or mad at each other

Kaeya 

Annoyed and passive aggressive as hell, probably makes a couple low blows while you’re fighting

He’d click his tongue while you’re running your mouth and leaves the room to let out some steam

Either by drinking and talking to Diluc (who doesnt listen)

Or he goes and fights some slimes

Diluc

He would ignore you until things reach a boiling point where one of you snaps and starts yelling

Busting your lungs out at each other screaming and yelling, you’re crying and both of you blame each other 

After you two get all your emotions out, you start crying and the both of you are emotionally vulnerable af

While you’re both in this state you have a conversation about what bothers each other in the relationship

Zhongli 

Both of you are stubborn as hell, and would refuse to apologize to each other despite knowing that you’re the one in the wrong

Childe has to be the one to get you two to talk to each other constructively about your issues 

Childe

You’d ignore each other for a bit but unlike Zhongli, Childe would probably apologise first because he feels bad and he’s too smart to lose you over a petty argument

The two of you would go over the argument again to sort it out properly and resolve the issue maturely  

Xiao

Silent while you yell at him, just stares at you with an indecipherable emotion on his face 

He just nods and accepts everything you have to say, knowing you need to get it off your chest

Feels like he messed up big time since this is his first real relationship, and goes to the inn’s balcony to think about it

After you yell at him you feel awful and go to apologize

#genshin impact #fanfic #reader-insert #genshin kaeya #genshin zhongli #genshin childe #genshin xiao #genshin diluc #kaeya #zhongli #childe #xiao #tartaglia #diluc #headcanons

[artificialqueens]

Girl I Met On The Internet, 4/? (Crystal x Gigi) - Strawberry

Summary: Gigi and Crystal discuss things in person. Elites Only also gains a new member.

As soon as Crystal realized what was happening, she exited the Twitter app. The girl she had been talking to for months, the girl she had shared so many things with was Georgina Goode, who happened to be best friends with the girl who hated Crystal for no reason, because of course this would happen to Crystal.  

Crystal’s mind was racing, her brain instantly jumping to the worse case scenarios. Did Gigi know she was talking to Crystal this entire time? Was this entire thing just a ploy orchestrated by Dahlia to get dirt on her? Georgina was not gay, but Gigi was. Did Gigi even like her, or was Crystal just an experiment that no one would ever find out about because it was over the internet? She knew none of these theories made sense, she didn’t think Gigi had any idea who she was until now.

Gigi was freaking out. She had messaged Crystal, attempting to explain herself, but she had gotten no reply. Crystal hadn’t even read them. Panicking, she messaged Jan, hoping she would be online.

gigi: jan oh my fuckigng

jan!: WHAT HAPPENED? ARE YALL GFS??

gigi: …no

jan!: and why is that?

gigi: she literally goes to my school she sent me a selfie and i sent one back without saying that we’re irls and she just said what the fuck and now she wont message me back

gigi: i know u don’t like how rude dahlia is so im sorry i have to mention her but she’s literally the girl dahlia picks on for no reason i didn’t even know her name was crystal

jan!: W H A T 

gigi: what do i do

jan!: girl like i know?? this doesn’t usually happen to people.

jan!: when do you usually see crystal

gigi: i see her in the halls sometimes. she told me before that she stays mostly in the art wing tho

jan!: ok. tomorrow  go to the art wing and find her. talk to her. she’s probably not responding bc im sure it’s not a good feeling to find out the girl she’s been flirting with for months is best friends with the girl bullying her

gigi: god i feel so bad about that. i only stopped it once and i feel so bad

jan!: i love you but you’re a fucking idiot, gigi. you really are. go talk to her tomorrow and do better.

-

The next morning arrived faster than Crystal wanted it to. She was dreading going to school, knowing she couldn’t avoid Gigi forever. Thankfully, they did not have any classes together, but crossing paths was inevitable. The thought of seeing Gigi, even from across a crowded hallway, made her want to sob.

Her stomach started hurting because of her anxiety, but convincing her mother to let her stay home didn’t go over well. Crystal had convinced her mother at first, but as soon as she felt Crystal’s forehead to see if Crystal was running a temperature, which she wasn’t, she had insisted that Crystal stop pretending and get ready for school. She even drove Crystal to school instead of having her walk to make sure Crystal didn’t skip.

Crystal walked straight to the bathroom in the art wing. It was smaller, with only two stalls and the cell service was terrible; but it was vacant for the most part. She often stayed there when she wanted to skip class, and the only person she had ever encountered was Aiden, a shy girl from her art class. If Gigi was looking for her, this bathroom would be the last place she would look.

She had spent the morning sketching and listening to One Direction. She was in the zone, barely noticing when the door opened. Crystal didn’t bother looking up when she felt someone’s presence there, assuming that it was Aiden. “Hey, Aiden.”

“Uh,” Gigi started, “Crystal?”

Crystal’s head shot up, her eyes wide as she looked at a very relieved looking Gigi. “Oh, shit. Hey.” 

Gigi walks over to her, kneeling down to be at the same height as Crystal. “I know you’re probably upset with me, but can we talk? Please? I’ve been looking for you all period.”

Crystal nodded, moving her backpack to make a spot for Gigi to sit down. “Sorry I said what the fuck and dipped, I really didn’t know what else to do.”

“I’m the one who should be sorry. I’m going to sound like such a bitch but I didn’t even know your name until last night.” Gigi had never been good with names, only being able to remember her online friends’ names in the beginning because their name was attached to everything they did. Crystal had been known to Gigi as ‘Art Girl’ until last night.

Crystal had to laugh at that. “It’s fine. I don’t think Dahlia knows what my name is either, and I’ve lived in her mind rent free for years!”

“Speaking of her, I’m so sorry I only stopped her once. I didn’t want to get into it but I realize now that ignoring it is just as bad as joining in. Especially seeing the effects it has on you first hand, and now that I know I could’ve helped.”

Last night, Crystal gave Gigi a run down on every single color she had ever dyed her hair, and she had mentioned that she stopped dying her hair once she got into high school because she didn’t want to stick out even more, in fear of getting treated worse. It had made Gigi sad then, and knowing she could’ve changed that made her feel even worse. 

“Yeah, I don’t know how this is going to impact your real life, but no matter what I just hope you will step in next time.” 

Gigi reached over to grab Crystal’s hand and squeezed it gently. “I will never let her hurt you ever again. I care about you so much.”

They sat in silence for a few moments.

“Can I tell you something?” Crystal asked quietly, avoiding Gigi’s glance. 

“Of course. You can tell me anything.”

“I really like you. I know it’s probably weird now, since you’re not out and I’m not positive you feel the same, but I feel like I should tell you.”

Gigi smiled, placing her fingers under Crystal’s chin, lifting them up to make Crystal make eye contact with her. “I’ve been hoping you would say that.”

Crystal blushed at the contact. “Really?”

“Of course! You’re the most interesting person I’ve ever met. I would be such a fool not to like you back.”

The bell rang, interrupting their moment. Gigi pulled away, pulling her phone out of her jacket pocket to check the time. “Fuck. I have a test this period.”

“It’s okay. We can talk about this later,” Crystal reassured her, standing up even though she had no intention to go to her next class, “I can send you my address and we could meet after school?”

Gigi nodded, pulling Crystal into a tight hug. “This is the most emotion I’ve ever shown at once. I thought it was going to be scary but I feel so much better. Thank you for talking to me. If I was you I don’t think I would’ve.”

“I could never not talk to you.”

-

Crystal decided she would stay in the bathroom until lunch. It was mostly out of laziness, as her Gigi related anxiety was long gone. Doing academics was the last thing she felt like doing now. 

She had plenty of entertainment, she had missed a lot on Twitter, and had two thousand new messages from the group chat, even though she was gone for less than a day.

crystal: im skipping class what’s up ladies

jan!: hi crystal!!!

jaida: girl where have you been?? my world has been so empty

nicky: wtf jaida stop acting like i don’t exist

crystal: ehh personal things happened so i was ia. i dyed my hair green last night tho!! look!!

jan!: omg you’re so pretty

jaida: HOT HOT HOT

nicky: crystal. marriage now

heidi: omg girl you look so good!! i love your leprosy print shirt

heidi: leprosy

heidi: girl how do you spell lepord

heidi: leopard

heidi: there we go

nicky: you did it!

jaida: so proud of you

She was relieved they didn’t question her further, but she couldn’t help but be curious about what their reactions would be if they knew what was going on. Talking to the girls again made time go by extremely fast, before Crystal knew it the bell rang, declaring it lunch time.

She hadn’t eaten breakfast due to her anxiety from this morning, and just realized how hungry she was. Collecting her stuff, she exited the bathroom and headed down to the cafeteria. 

When she was in line to pay for a slice of pizza and a bag of pretzels, she had caught the attention of Dahlia, who didn’t hesitate to express how she felt about her new hair. 

“Ew, who in their right mind would dye their hair green?” Dahlia loudly asked Gigi, making sure Crystal was in ear shot. 

Before Crystal could defend herself, Gigi spoke up. “Dahlia, can you please shut the fuck up? No one cares what you think about Crystal’s hair, it looks fine. I can hardly tolerate you being rude anymore.”

“Georgina, what the fuck? I’m not rude!” Dahlia whined, making Crystal smile. She had been slightly surprised that it happened so soon, but she was happy Gigi stepped in.

Crystal paid and made sure to wave at the girls on her way out. Gigi waved back, and Dahlia looked the other way, her arms crossed.

-

crystal: it’s not that i didn’t believe you but i’m shocked that actually happened..

gigi: she’s lowkey mad at me but idc

gigi: i believe you owe me ur address? 

crystal: oh that’s right!

gigi: i have cheer after school but i can come over right after

crystal: yay!!! 

The rest of the day was painfully long. Every minute felt like an hour, Crystal was even bored during her art class. She couldn’t wait to go home and talk to Gigi.

She zoned out while she was walking home, wondering what could happen tonight. Crystal would like to think that Gigi was about to kiss her before they got interrupted, or maybe she was going to ask Crystal to be her girlfriend. Anything could happen, and Crystal couldn’t really tell how she felt about it.

When she got home, she tidied up her room. Her bed was unmade, her dirty clothes were on the floor, and a couple dirty cups littered the top of her night stand. It wasn’t too bad, Crystal would usually consider this clean for her, but it made her feel slightly embarrassed now. She had the urge to fix it, even though Gigi probably wouldn’t have cared too much if Crystal left it the way it was.

After her room was clean, she still had some time to spare before Gigi would be on her way. She headed to the group chat, curious to see what chaos they were up to currently. 

nicky: ADD HER

nicky: ADDD HEEERRRRR

jaida: jan please come back i hate it here

crystal: who are we adding?

nicky: JACKIE

jan!: NO WE WILL NOT BE ADDING HER

nicky: why :(

jan!: i can’t trust you guys to not embarrass me in front of her and she is not a stan!!! she will not understand any of you!

jaida: we don’t have to embarrass you, you’ll do it yourself. we can teach jackie stan language, she’s smart and she’ll catch on

nicky: JAIDAHJKFDGLK

crystal: omg add her

jan!: i hate you all so much

nicky: PLS

jan!: fine.

jan! added Jackie

jan!: jackie, these are my friends. don’t believe anything they say about me.

Jackie: Oh, hello everyone!

nicky: YAAAS JACKIE NATION

nicky: c’mon auto caps!

crystal: hi!  

jaida: hi jackie!

heidi: i leave to play animal crossing for 15 minutes and we get a new member… smh

nicky: not just any new member! it’s jackie!!!!

jaida: the way nicky likes jackie more than jan does

heidi: that’s impossible. jan is SUCH a simp for jackie

Jackie: What? 

crystal: OMFG

Jackie: Does that mean she likes me? I’m confused.

nicky: yes!

Jackie: That’s good. I would assume that Jan likes me, especially after what we did in my car earlier.

crystal: holy fucking shit

jan!: OMFGHFJSKDSFHJDFJK UH

jan!: JACKIE SHUT UP!!!!!!

Jackie: Why?

jaida: god i love it here

gigi: janet you better tell me everything later!!!

jan!: GET YOUR MINDS OUT OF THE GUTTER!!!!!!!

Crystal was so invested in the train wreck going on, only focusing on the messages sent by Jan and Jackie that she didn’t notice Gigi had come online until she got a notification that Gigi sent her a private message. 

gigi: im on ur street :)

Crystal ran to the door, opening it the second she saw Gigi step onto the porch. Gigi jumped, not expecting it. “Someone’s eager to see me, huh?”

Crystal blushed, letting Gigi in. “Shut up.”

Gigi kicked off her shoes and sat her backpack down next to them before letting Crystal lead her to her room. It was colorful, lots of posters and canvases covering the hot pink walls. “This is very you. I like it!”

“Thank you!” Crystal exclaimed, taking a seat on her bed and patting the space next to her. Gigi gladly sat next to her. 

“This is just really weird. 24 hours ago, I didn’t know who you were and now you’re in my bed. It’s kind of overwhelming,” Crystal blurted out, making Gigi frown. “But not in a bad way!” She clarified, “It’s just a lot to process.”

“Oh, yeah. It is a big change. Last night, I was going to ask you to be my girlfriend, but that obviously did not happen.” Gigi blushed, grabbing a throw pillow from Crystal’s bed to hide her face in. 

Crystal took the pillow away from her, sitting it next to them, “Do you still want me to be your girlfriend?”

Gigi nodded. “Yeah, but I don’t know if we should become official yet. We know each other so well, but I feel like we need to see if we vibe in person.”

“I don’t think we will have an issue with that, but I agree. Let’s take it slow. But can I try something first?”

Gigi grinned, “Yeah, what?”

“This.” Crystal whispered, leaning forward until her lips pressed against Gigi’s. Gigi kissed her back, wrapping her arms around Crystal’s neck and pulling Crystal even closer.

#rpdr fanfiction #gigi goode #crystal methyd #dahlia sin #jackie cox #jan sport #jaida essence hall #heidi n closet #crygi #lesbian au #social media au #girl i met on the internet #strawberry #s12 #submission

[dolce-peach]

Hello there! Love ur blog btw! Could u write a Tom Hiddleston x actress!reader where reader is an Loki fanfic writer and also a big Hiddlestoner in secret and she’s Tom costar and he finds out.

the unexpected

pairing: tom hiddleston x reader

warnings: fluff and a bit of tension 👀 *cough cough*

a/n: look at the gif.  look at it.  please protect this man.  also i hope you guys like this! ❤️

permanent taglist: @kaitlynmalikisnotonfire​ @just-another-loki-fanblog​

** TO MAKE A REQUEST -- please check the status in my bio **

masterlist

----

“We have time for a couple more questions,” your publicist said to the interviewer.

You smiled as he prepared his last questions, your hands folded neatly in your lap.

He finally looked up.  “So I hear you’re in the process of shooting a movie with Tom Hiddleston.  What’s that been like for you in terms of workload?”

You lightly sighed as you averted your eyes, trying to find the right words.  “Tom’s been quite amazing to work with.  He’s become a really good friend, helping lighten the burden I had with two movies to work on.  I love him so much.  He’s quite the charming guy,” you explained.  “I’m really excited to see how this turns out!”

“I’m sure your fans are as well,” the interviewer said.  “They’ve been waiting for this collaboration for a while.”

“Yeah, pre-production certainly took a while, but I’m glad that project finally took off.”

The interviewer smiled.  “Okay, we’re nearing the end of our time together, but I wanted to ask a lighthearted question to send you off.”

“Go for it.”

“Your fans often see you writing on set,” he began.  “They’ve been tweeting at me to ask you what you write.”

“Ah,” you said before laughing.  “Unfortunately it’s nothing of interest.  I just write whatever comes to mind.  It sometimes helps me get in the moment before acting out a scene.”

The interviewer closed his notebook.  “Y/N, it’s been a pleasure.”

You smiled.  “Likewise.”

You exited the room, your publicist trailing behind you.

You couldn’t deny the fact that your heart was beating fast against your ribcage.  It wasn’t necessarily the interview that threw you off but rather the last question.  You felt as though your cover was blown, as if you were caught doing what you weren’t supposed to do.

And it definitely wasn’t easy.

Being a fanfiction writer.

You kept your eyes on the ground in front of you as you walked back to the car, where you’d be driven back to set for the day.

You stared out the window and watched the buildings go by.  You were sure this day of shooting was also going to be emotional and exhausting, but that was why you loved it.

When you got back to set, you were immediately rushed to your trailer, where you got into your hair and makeup for the day.  You looked fondly at your reflection in the mirror.  

You were styled in a voluminous period dress, and your head was secured with multiple hairpieces.  

“You look lovely, darling.”

You quickly whirled around to see Tom poking his head into your trailer.  A sigh of relief escaped you as you put your hands on your hips, looking almost like a mother scolding a child.  “Christ, Tom, I could’ve been naked!”

“But you’re not,” he mused, raising an eyebrow.  “Either way, you’d still look lovely.”

“Stop!” you laughed.  “You can’t say things like that!”

He shrugged.  “Just trying to get into character,” he said.  “I mean, you are my wife.”

“Wife-to-be,” you corrected him.  “All while you’re pining after other women.”

“Oh, is my wife jealous?” he teased.

“Very,” you scoffed.

He smiled as he reached his hand out.  “Anyhow, I came to bring you to set.  They’re ready for us.”

You took his hand, and he helped you out of your trailer.  You gathered your skirt and walked beside him, when you noticed you were wearing the wrong shoes.

“Shit, my shoes,” you murmured.

“I’ll get them,” Tom said, immediately jogging back to your trailer.

You smiled at his retreating figure.  He really was a gentleman.

--

“How could you do this to me?” you said, your voice trembling.  “I never liked the idea of an arranged marriage, but I thought you’d at least like me.”

Tom turned, half of his face lit by the fireplace of the dark room.  “You’re sorely mistaken.”  His voice was low.

Tears streamed down your face.  “So after all this time, you were luring me in,” you said.  “What did you want?  My money?  My name?  My body?”

His eyes caught yours, and you felt your heart beginning to pound.  

“Your money?  You could scarcely afford this place, even if you wanted to.  It would put you in chains,” he started.  “Your name’s already been tainted by your poor bastard of a father, and your body...”  He took a moment to eye you up and down.  “Your body could not satisfy even the worst of men.”

You took a step back, gripping your skirt.  “You don’t mean that.”

“Every word.”

You shook your head, your mouth agape.  “You’re a monster.”

You began to storm out of the room when he caught your arm, shoving you roughly into the wall.  Your shivering figure was trapped between his arms.  You could barely conjure the courage to look at him.

“I wasn’t finished,” he growled.

“Then finish,” you whispered.  “Break my heart, and do it quickly.”

His deep eyes pierced you.  “Listen carefully.  Your money matters not because I will take care of you,” he said.  “Your name will be my name, and you will proudly proclaim it to whoever you please.”  

He leaned forward to rest his forehead on yours.  You could feel his soft warm breath on your lips.

“And when I say that your body could not satisfy even the worst of men, it’s because it never will,” he said.  “You are mine, and I am yours.”

You shook your head, confused.  “Why are you saying this?”

Without another word, he closed the gap between you two, pressing his lips roughly into yours.  You could feel the hot air begin to swirl around you, making you yearn for more.  You gasped with surprise as he broke off the kiss, trailing more down your jaw and neck.

When your eyes met again, you fought all urges to kiss him again until the last second, when your body moved on impulse.  You cupped his jaw until you ran your hands through his long locks.  

You pulled back, gazing into his eyes lit by the fire.  You traced his small smile with your fingers.

“And...cut!”

It took you a moment to break out of your trance.  You smiled as Tom handed you some water.

“Awesome,” the director said.  “We’ll take a break, so feel free to roam about the area, but don’t wander far.”

You found yourself walking outside, shivering in the cold night air.  You glanced behind you at the estate the crew managed to reserve and wondered how someone could’ve lived in such a grand place.

You felt a jacket being draped over your shoulders and noticed Tom standing next to you.  You flashed him a smile before looking away, your lips still hot.

“Were you scared?” he asked.

You furrowed your brow.  “Why?”

“You were shaking like a leaf,” he chuckled.  “I just wanted to make sure I didn’t scar you for life.”

You laughed.  “You don’t have to worry.  It was great.”

He looked out at the extensive lawn.  “Sorry if I took the kiss too far.”

You could feel a flame running down your jaw and neck.  

You quickly shook your head.  “It’s fine!  You were in the moment.”  You shuffled your feet in the gravel.  

“I imagine that’s probably going to go into a piece of your fanfiction,” he said.

“Yeah, definitely --”  Your eyes widened.  “Wait, what?”

He looked unbothered.  “You write fanfiction.  Yes?”

“Oh, God,” you breathed.  “How’d you find out?”

“I was wondering what you were smiling about so intently during break one day,” he chuckled.  

You covered your face.  “This isn’t what I was expecting.”

“Sorry,” he said.  “Does it help to say I’m a fan?”

“A bit of both,” you said.  “I never thought you’d actually read them.  It just started out of the blue because I’m a big fan of the MCU, but I never thought this would happen --”

“Hey,” Tom said, taking your hands.  “I think it’s great.”

You bit your lip.  “Really?”

“Yes, really.”

You were speechless as he held your hands.  

“Tom!  Y/N!  We start in five!” the director called from inside.

Tom squeezed your hand gently.  “Come on, darling.”

You let him lead you back inside, your mind still in a haze.  You weren’t able to process the fact that you were being led to the bedroom, where some of the crew was waiting.

You felt Tom glancing at you, then your face went red.

“Oh, shit.”

“You’ll be fine.”

“Action!”

#tom hiddleston #tom hiddleston x reader #tom hiddleston x you #tom hiddleston fanfiction #tom hiddlestion fanfic #tom hiddleston imagine #tom hiddleston headcanon #tom hiddleston dabble #dabble #imagine #fluff #accepting requests #requests open #loki #loki laufeyson #reader

[thearcanaartificer]

Misadventures Series

Title: Dog Pile

Characters: Julian Devorak and Odelia (My Apprentice)

Rating: T

Genre: Domestic Fluff

Word Count: 3893

Note: This will be posted on AO3 soon, but I want to post it here first because people here are wonderful. 

I always felt bad for Melchior and Mercedes, especially since Lucio never comes back in most stories. So here’s a twist to Julian’s upright ending.

______________

“I’ll be with you in just a moment!” Julian called out of his office in response to the bell above his clinic’s door chiming. 

He was in the middle of finishing up his last patient’s file- a new patient that had come in to be treated for a sprained wrist- and didn’t want to forget anything specific to his patient that needed to be noted. It wasn’t that he was forgetful, but he did lose a few slight details if distracted. His brows furrowed when he heard the clicking sound his mind instantly recognized as dog paws against the wooden floors of his clinic.  He quickly wrote the last note before getting up to investigate.

“I’m sorry,” He started as he began to open up his office door, “But any dogs or animals in general are not… allowed…” He trailed off as he looked about to find no human about. 

Just two fluffy white tails wagging earnestly at the edge of his vision. He looked down and a light gasp escaped him. A nervous smile edged onto his lips as he stared into the faces of two very familiar Borzoi dogs. Their tails wagged even more at the eye contact.

“Well… hello there.” He shoved back his trepidation to the back of his mind, reminding himself that there was no one around anymore to order them to attack him. He pulled his gloves off and let the two sniff at his hands. “It’s been quite a while, hasn’t it, sobachki?”

The dogs gave a quick sniff of his hands before they began to lick at them with eager whines. Julian couldn’t keep himself from letting out a light laugh before stooping lower and tentatively reaching behind their ears to give them a good ear rub. One hand for each dog. The two ate up his attention like they were starved of it. It was Melchior, the one with the ruined ear, that eventually leapt up to shove Julian over and Mercedes pounced upon his prone state. Fear ran through him for only a moment before her tongue lapped at his face.

Melchior’s front paws were standing on his stomach and he was licking up Julian’s exposed chest, causing him to laugh helplessly as his tongue tickled him. Both tails wagged excitedly as the man below said dogs pleaded between laughs for mercy. Melchior nor Mercedes let up and he had to close his mouth as he struggled not to laugh because Mercedes seemed determined to stick her tongue in his mouth. She had already caused his eyepatch to go askew and fall off his face entirely at her ministrations. All of a sudden Lady, his wife’s red Éirish Setter, was also now in the room, assisting the two menaces as she sniffed and poked her nose in his ticklish spots and lapped at his bare skin too.

“Hahaha! No! Whoahahaha! Stop! Stopstopstop- ahaahahaahaa- Ne tam! Please! Whahahaaha!” He begged between guffaws futility with the three dogs. He tried to push them off, but every time he managed one, they others overwhelmed him until all three could continue their affectionate doggy assault upon him. It took him a moment to think better of it and call out to the mastermind of these three. “O-odelia! Plea-egh- not in my mouth, hahaha, Mercedes! Odelia, ahahaha-urk, Melchior, ne tam! Not there! S-save meeeee! Whahahaha.”

He was pretty sure he was crying from how hard he was laughing but with Mercedes washing his face, he wasn’t entirely sure. He had given up pushing them off and was covering his open mouth with a hand to protect himself from Mercedes’s tongue.  He had also pulled his legs up to try to keep his more delicate parts protected.

“Save you?” His darling wife’s coquettish tone sent a trill down his spine. He peered up, having to force his eyes to stay open to see her standing with a bemused smile on her face as she watched the dogs kiss him. “I’m sorry, my darling love, but that’s not what I came here to do.”

“Nyet~ Nechestno~!!” was all he had time to squeal before she pounced on him with a war cry of “Tickle attack!”.

She sat on his lap, straddling him, and danced her strong fingers up and down his sides, causing him to wriggle and writhe as his laughter became even louder than before. His legs behind her kicking and squirming fruitlessly. She tugged his shirt out of his pants between tickles and he tried to use his free hand to stop her from unbuttoning his shirt further so the dogs had more skin to tickle, but either Melchior or Lady always seemed to get in the way and soon he was trying to curl up from how hard he was laughing, covering his face entirely as he guffawed uncontrollably. He could hear his wife’s peals of laughter as she took enjoyment from her teasing.

By the time Odelia called off the hounds (quite literally), he was shivering from the energy loss, dizzy from the unsteady air supply due to his constant laughter, and his muscles burning a bit from how hard and long he had laughed. His wife was already moving to grab him a blanket to wrap him up in. He was heaving every breath he had as he laid supine on the floor. He had no energy at the moment to move other than the shivers that wracked his body.

“I will admit, that was not the original intention, but I quite enjoyed where it led.” Odelia told him as she wrapped a warm quilted down blanket around him and tucked a pillow under his head. “You okay?”

Melchior and Mercedes chose at that moment to cuddle up to him, one on each side and their heads resting on his chest as he regained control of his breathing. At first, he was a bit apprehensive, but seeing that neither dog had ill intention (or ready to give him round two of a tickle attack), he relaxed. He rested a hand on each dog’s head and rubbed their ears. Lady was sitting next to Odelia, ever her faithful companion.

“Ha… ha…. My legs feel weak and… haha… I feel like I may have popped a rib from all the laughing. But I didn’t hate it.” He told her with a tired smile. “I don’t think I’ve laughed so hard in my life… haha-ha…”

“Well,” She patted his chest lovingly. “Gotta make sure you get daily dose of endorphins somehow.”

“Ya tak ustala seychas.” His eyes closed heavily and he felt like, with the dogs wrapped around him like this he could drift off at a moment’s notice.

“You being tired is merely a bonus effect. Just like sex,” he let out a choking sound as his face colored pink, “except I think hearing you laugh is more enjoyable.” She made a thoughtful look before she met his gaze, her eyes turning sultry as she continued to talk. “Hmm, make it a really close second. Or a non-sexual first. I love the sounds you make during sex. You get so whiny and needy and it's all so pretty and thrilling to observe.”

Before he got too worked up- because he really was exhausted by how hard he had laughed- he decided to redirect his wife back to her original purpose of bringing these two dogs to his clinic.  “Ha… So, ah, uh, what was the, uh, original intention, Myska?”

“Oh, yes, right!” His wife didn’t forget things necessarily, she just misplaced the thought when distracted. “Mel?”

The white slinky like dog whined, but got up to go fetch something that had been set on one of the chairs in the front of the clinic. He came back with an envelope carefully held in his mouth and proffered it to Julian. He raised a brow, looking first at the dog before glancing at his mischievous spouse, trying to get a feel for what was going on. He turned back to Melchior to take the letter and the dog cuddled back up to him after he did.

“What’s this, hmm?” He released his hold on Mercedes to open up the envelope with unadulterated curiosity. Inside was a written letter, in his wife’s hand.

“I helped pen it, is all.” Odelia told him as she reached over to play with Melchior’s good ear. “Doggy paws aren’t dexterous enough to write and they are not that smart, but these doggies are smart enough to dictate for me.”

“Right. You can hear other people’s familiars.” He remembered the unusual quirk bestowed to her by having the body of an Arcana. The more shocking revelation hadn’t been that she could hear familiars as it was that these two had been Lucio’s. He unfolded the letter and began to read it out loud.

“Dear Doctor Hooman- really Odelia?”

“So I wrote it in character, it makes it cuter. The thespian in you should appreciate it. Keep reading.”

He heaved out a dramatic sigh, a playful smile on his lips, before beginning once more. “Dear Doctor Hooman, My sissy and me arwe verwy sorrwy we use to chase u and act like we would bite u. Our old pawpaw (snrk. Paw-paw? That’s adorable Myska, even if you mean Lucy) told us to and we wanted to be good doggies fur our old pawpaw. But Pawpaw is gone now and we arwe alone.” 

He stopped, frowning as he looked over at Odelia, who was deliberately not making eye contact with him. He had a feeling he knew where this was going. Melchior let out a small woof and Mercedes nudged him with her nose, both wanting him to continue. There was an anxiousness in their forms causing their stilled tails to nervously twitch periodically as well.

He cleared his throat and continued. “Noddy-a haz no time fur us and we arwe lonely. We want a new home where we can be good doggies and get pets and attention and bellie rubs and cuddles and walkies and -did we mention attention? We remember u use to have a doggy and u like doggies. Since ur doggy is no longer… no longer here…” He had to take a moment before continuing. “A-and our old pawpaw is gone too… can… we…” Odelia was watching as her sweet husband tried not to cry at the words the two dogs had dictated to her (she had nearly done so herself). He rubbed his eyes a bit with his palm as he a long breath of air stuttered out of his chest. “Ca-an we be ur go-od doggies and u be o-our n… new Pawpaw?”

A sniffle escaped him as he lowered the letter. His face blotchy as he fought the urge to cry. “G-goodness, Myska, can you write it a-anymore pathetic? I don’t th-think my heart is c-completely c-cru-shed yet.”

“I wrote what these two dictated, remember? It’s all them! Two doggish masters of manipulation! It’s not called puppy eyes technique because humans were the first to use it!” She herself would have cave, like, sentence three. But this was a request for Julian, not her.

He had laid the letter on top of his chest as he stroked the dogs at his side caringly. Concern etched into his forehead as he spoke his thoughts. “I… don’t know… I mean, it’s not like I’m against th-the idea entirely, but well… I… I don’t mean to sound negative, but… but our home is way too small to add two dogs on top of everything else. A-and these two are trained hunting dogs! Ex-familiars or not, they’ll instinctively go after Posey a-and Juniper!”

Odelia smiled at his consideration. “Don’t worry about that. We can work around Posey and Juniper. What do you want to do? Taking them in would make them yours. Like Brundle was yours. Like Lady and Sebby are mine. I know you’ve craved the affection and been a little disappointed at how much I’m chosen over you.”

“I...I didn’t realize I was so, ah, transparent.” He glanced away in embarrassment. He didn’t mean to come off as that desperate.

“Don’t think you’re the first I’ve seen disappointed.” Odelia smiled, scooting closer so she could run her fingers through his hair. “Sebby never even took to Asra. Tolerated him. Unlike you, where he’ll come ask for food and the occasional pet and sometimes sit in your lap- until you make a big deal of it. And Lady follows me everywhere.”

“But what about Posey? And Juniper? It’ll definitely be a problem.”

“Firstly, as much as I love Posey and Juniper, I don’t have as strong of a bond with them as I do with Sebby and Lady. Juniper’s a fox. She will always be too feral to be fully housebroken or anything more than a wild animal that I love. And Posey’s life is short. I would be foolish to bond too much with something that dies in a few years time. Secondly, I’ve already secured them new homes, if you want these two. Homes that I visit all the time. In fact, Juniper will probably be going regardless, because her quality of life will be even better.”

“Where… where will they be going?” Julian was already pulling the two dogs closer and Odelia could tell he wanted them, but the thought of her losing any of her animals because of his wants weighed on his consciousness. He wouldn’t admit to wanting them until he knew her animals were in good homes and that his wife wouldn’t begrudge him for having to give them up. Though she wanted him to admit his wants, she knew he wasn’t there yet. Alleviating him of his anxiousness would help him voice his desires in this situation.

She maneuvered so that she was lying on his chest, arms around his neck, and her nose running up and down his temple as she spoke softly in his ear. “Pasha is taking Juniper. Since she’s in charge of the wild animal reserve, she lives in a pretty nice place on the property and Juniper will have a bigger area to run around in and a way bigger habitat than the one in our apartment. And Pasha loves Juni. And since Juniper was raised around cats- the whole set up is even better.”

“And Posey?”

“Nadia could pet that bunny for hours. Has too. Chandra doesn’t attack her either, so Nadia will be taking Posey in exchange for us taking these two menaces off her hands. Posey’ll be a royal bunny for the rest of her life. Probably get really fat with how much she’ll be spoiled too.”

“It’ll still be quite cramped in the apartment with three dogs, two humans, and one cat.”

“Well, when it becomes too much, we’ll just figure out a creative solution so it's not cramped with ‘three dogs, two humans, and one cat’.” She lifted her lips to press them against his temple in a sweet kiss. “We’ll fret about it later. What do you want, Juli.”

“Oh I’m Juli today, hmm?” There was a playful tease in his tone as he deflected.

She nipped at his earlobe, getting a startled gasp. “Keep it up and you’ll be ‘Pretty Princess Jules’ all day tomorrow.”

He whined a bit at that name. “Ugh. It’s never going to go away. I still get called that at times down at the Raven.”

“Change taverns.”

“Blasphemy.”

“Then suffer.” She suckled a bit on his earlobe, eliciting a pleased groan before quitting her ministrations to press the original subject. “So, what are we doing about these two?”

“Is it really okay if we keep them?” His tone was shy and she sat up, straddling his waist with her legs and her hands on his blanketed chest, observing his expression. He still looked unsure about if it was alright. 

“This isn’t about if it’s okay or not okay. Outside of our sexual activities, I don’t get to dictate what you have permission to want or not want- and even then I don’t have ultimate control because your consent is important to me. Yes, I helped with this because this seemed like something you’d like, but I told these two it’d ultimately be your decision. So this. This right here is about what do you want, Julian? Right, wrong, doesn’t matter. I simply want to hear you tell me what you want.”

It didn’t take anymore coaxing to get him to admit his desires. His face turned serious, the uncertainty was gone. “I want this, Myska. I want them. I want to have dogs that are mine.”

Immediately after admitting that, both Melchior and Mercedes, barely able to contain their excitement, sprang up and began to kiss at his face, tails wagging like crazy. Julian sputtered as he was barraged with kisses once more. However this time, he wrapped his arms around both dogs and yanked them off their feet and into his chest. Their bodies slammed into Odelia’s arms on his chest, knocking her a bit off balance and, with a surprised shriek from her as he bucked his hips up, she crashed down against his chest between the squirming dogs. He linked his hands behind her and held all three of them in one of his famous bear hugs.

“Okayokayokay!” Julian chanted at the continued kisses from the dogs, though they were mostly licking at his neck now. 

“Juli!” His wife cried out as she wriggled and squirmed to escape. He kicked up one of his legs, pushing the blanket out of his way and skillfully crossed his gangly appendage so that she was locked in. “No~ No fair~!”

He craned his neck to kiss her lips getting a squeal from her as she yanked her head back.

“Yuck! No kisses! You’re covered in dog saliva!”

“Jokes on you, I’ve been covered in saliva. You've been smooching me with doggy spit all over me the whole time!”

“Oh gross! I did! Phwaw, phwaw. I can taste it! Yuck!”

“Doggie kisses. Mwah!” He kissed her lips again, causing her to try to squirm out, but he simply tugged her back up between the squirming dogs also trapped in his arms and kissed her again. “Mwah, mwah, mwah. Oomphf!”

Lady hated to be left out and jumped in, landing on top of Odelia and licking at any skin she could reach. Julian looped her into his hold too. He held them all tightly for a moment before, just to be obnoxious and because he could, began to rock the lot of them back and forth on his chest while crooning some sort of Nevivion sea shanty.

“Ah! Did I marry a man or a bear!?” She forgot how strong he was until he pulled stunts like this. Gangly bear man.

“Whoho-ho-ho-ho~ You may never know, Myska.” He pressed a kiss to her crown, giving them all one more tight squeeze before quitting his rocking and simply held them all as he reveled in the moment. The dogs had all settled down and were just soaking up the attention in this cuddle pile.

“They’ll need new collars.” Julian spoke aloud.

“Naturally. I am not very fond of the whole gold aesthetic.”

“Yeah and the spikes really dig into the flesh.” He grunted as he began to loosen his hold. He had been able to ignore it due to the blanket buffering the effects, but it was really starting to smart.

“Oh shit! Are you okay, Julian?” She was already checking for injuries.

“Perfectly.” He looped his arms out from around the dogs to wrap around his wife’s tiny waist. “I have two new dogs and a wonderful wife.” He pushed his face into the nape of her neck. “I’m really so very lucky, my darling Myska.”

There was a long pause before Odelia spoke. “Wide black lambskin collars? Silver heart shaped tags?”

“Definitely.” He agreed. “How are they with people?”

She paused, listening to a series of barks, whines, and doggy huffing. “How agreeable do you want them around strangers?”

“If they are to be in the clinic with me, very agreeable. Especially around children. No biting for any pulled tails and such.”

There was another pause and a few more barks. “They are willing to be that agreeable only if they are allowed to reserve the right to attack threats to your person without commands if you seem under duress and cannot give commands. Also, decent treats for any amount of tail pulling that they endure.”

“Done.”

“Well, it looks like our family now has three dogs.”

“Sebastian will be thrilled.” Sebby, in fact, would not be thrilled.

“Sebby will deal with it. I’ll just have to give him a few extra doses of catnip in the beginning to help him adjust.”

“Drugging your cat to get him to cooperate, sounds criminal.”

“Well, I did marry a criminal, so- ah! No! I’m ticklish!!”

“Oh, I’m quite aware.”

Before he could fully declare a tickle attack on his wife, the bell above his clinic door rang and the two of them froze. The look on Odelia’s face told him that she was certain she had remembered to lock it.

It was Portia’s voice called out from the door. “I’m sorry I let myself if with the key you gave me, Ilya. I was too excited to wait to hear if you’re keeping th- what are you two doing?”

The two of them let out a sigh of relief before Julian threw his wife a mischievous grin and a waggle of his eyebrows. She raised a brow, her impish lopsided smile pulling at her lips. 

“Pasha.” Julian whispered in a frantic, excited tone. “Pasha, you gotta come over here and see this.”

“See what? You cuddling three dogs and Odie? I can see that from here.” She didn’t budge from the door, Pepi at her heels. “Why are you on the floor anyways?”

“Come here. If you come here, you’ll see it.” Odelia gave Julian his props. He was quite the method actor. He sounded so earnest and excited.

She hesitantly walked towards them, as if unsure this was a trap.

“Closer. No, no, no, closer. Pasha, do you want to see it or not? Closer.”

“Ilya,” Portia said rather exasperated. She took one final step to stand by Julian’s shoulder as he peered up at her with a smile. “I’m standing right here. What am I looking for?”

He released his hold on the lot in his arms to wave his sister closer. “You need to bend a bit to see it. I swear, Pasha, it’s great!”

She leaned down, suspicion coiled in her shoulders as well as written on her face as she did. She didn’t even register Julian’s hand shoot out to grab at her shoulder and pull her down until she was tumbling towards the hodgepodge group with a surprised yelp. Odelia caught her so that she didn’t land hard on either Julian or the dogs, but before she could really collect herself, both Julian and Odelia were declaring “Tickle fight!”

“Ahahahahahaha~ Nooooo~ I-Ilya! O-Odie!! No fair!!! Hahahaahahaaa- ah! No! No dog kisses! P-Pepi! Hahahahaha~! Save me~!”

Pepi decidedly chose not to join the conglomerate mess of dogs and humans on the floor to rescue her human and instead went next door to go visit Sebby.

#julian devorak #fanfiction #the arcana #The Arcana Game #julian x apprentice #julian the arcana

[marshmellowtea]

hey!! im gonna send you a lot of charas, you can answer them as you want, I just wanna make sure you have enough to answer all you want!! seishi, nikei, ayumu, marin maki, komaeda, makoto, mikan and sayake, please!

aaaaaaaa anon ur so sweet ilysm ;o; 

i’ll probably have to divide these into a couple posts so i can break it into chunks for myself but i’ll start off with seishi, nikei, and ayumu here :’0 

also putting this under a cut so i hopefully don’t break anyone’s dashes 

seishi 

favorite thing about them 

he’s just,, baby?? he’s just baby hdfjaslkdfsdf i don’t even know how to describe it. i was attached to him the moment i saw him and the more i watched of him the more in love i fell he’s such a precious dork,, 

least favorite thing about them 

idk if this actually counts because this is more of a criticism of his writing than anything but it’s so annoying how people just default him to “standard evil villain” after the katagiri zen reveal like no,, there’s so much more that can be done with him,, how dare you,, 

favorite line 

tbh as much as i’m disappointed (read: angry) with the direction voices was going to go, “did you just call us horny?” is still an ICONIC line fhaslksdfjlksdf i love it so much 

brOTP 

him and marin! also him and mikoto,, and him and nico,, tbh him and any girl is good he just vibes “let’s go wlw let’s go!!”, y’know? i also like him and nikei being like. adopted brothers or adopted cousins tbh it’s really cute 

OTP 

seishi/akira/ayumu/saiji. yes that it as an ot4. yes it counts come at me bro. any seishi/rebirth boy ship is good tho 

nOTP 

i,, really don’t like seishi/girls fjadsklfjsadf feels bad man 

random headcanon 

he has TRAUMA dammit!! i hc that he has a backstory similar to maki’s in that he was forced into being an assassin at a young age so it wasn’t really his choice to get involved in all this. i’ve kinda ran that idea into the ground at this point though so here’s a lighter headcanon: when he was 14, he reeeaaaally wanted to be a cat. like, to the point where he’s embarrassed to look back on those days because oh my god he really straight up tried to act like a cat 24/7 huh? kinda ties into another headcanon of mine that he’s less mature than he lets on and tends to go through periods of feeling kinda childlike but ssshh shsh shsh shush

unpopular opinion 

he’s a good boy with a morally dubious job and that doesn’t make him automatically evil. y’all are just unimaginative, uncreative and mean >:( 

song i associate with them 

coughs at my seishi and zen playlists uhh there’s a lot tbh but the songs most strongly connected with him in my mind are “this is how you spell haha we destroyed the hopes and dreams of a generation of faux romantics” by los campesinos! and “i’ve got all this ringing in my ears and none on my fingers” by fall out boy (and yes those are two songs with very long titles i know hdfaklsjdflsd ;w;) 

favorite picture of them 

aaaa rebirth doesn’t have a lot of good cgs to pull from across either of its canons and idk if fanart counts so,, but gosh i really love his surprised sprite. he’s like :o. he’s so baby i love him so much 

nikei 

favorite thing about them 

he’s so interesting. it’s clear a lot of work went into his character, and it’s always a fascinating struggle to try and write him. i think it might be a bit easier after chapter four is fully translated but still there’s a lot of complexity to him and it’s interesting trying to break down his outer shell and get inside his head, y’know? also, he’s adorable. i wanna squish his cheeks. 

least favorite thing about them 

oh my GOD does my boy stress me out. i hate seeing him being mean to my other favorite characters and i’m always just like baby why are you like this please don’t ohmygod?? i’m gonna have to watch chapter four with my hands covering my eyes hasdfjslkdf i hate betrayal plots :’) 

favorite line 

this is kinda hard actually hasdkflsjdfk but “and she threw them away just like that? girl, are you a genius or an idiot, make up your mind!” from the third trial is reALLY GOOD FHKJDFLKDSF on a more heartbreaking note though him apologizing before he dies is just,, god. god.

brOTP 

him and the other voids!! they’re a family fight me. and him and seishi, ofc. i also like him and setsuka a lot though,, after chapter six i’m doubling down on my “she’s his mom!!” stance okay. i also like him and yoruko because i think they could have a fun dynamic (and maybe a soft dynamic with older yoruko,, maybe,,)(what i’m saying is that he gains another mom okay. let me project my mommy issues in peace) 

OTP 

i,, actually largely headcanon him as aro so there’s not a lot of ships with him i’m super passionate about?? i still kinda like him and setsuka in aus and such but other than that i mostly dropped all my ships for him after chapter six cuz it’s no big loss to me. though,, i’m not gonna lie, i still have a HUGE soft spot for sorakei. after seeing his free time events they just,, grew on me and i’d think they’d be really cute together c’mon guys can we make it happen- :’0 

nOTP 

nikei/mikado nikei/mikado nikei/mikado LIKE CAN WE PUT IT TO REST ALREADY I ACTUALLY HATE IT 

random headcanon 

his hair is actually naturally super curly and he straightens it every morning so other people don’t realize this. the other voids think it looks really cute pre-straightener but he thinks it makes it hard for others to take him seriously which is why he goes to such lengths to try to hide it basically he does NOT appreciate the cooing he gets from emma, thank you very much. hgalsdjfadlfkl

unpopular opinion 

i’m not actually sure if this counts cuz i don’t see this on tumblr at least but i don’t think we should take what he says to emma and hajime in the void theater at face value. i think despite what he says he actually does care about them in his own way, he just doesn’t really show it well because he doesn’t like to be vulnerable around others. he’s an asshole sometimes (actually a lot of the time hadsflkjsdflk), but that doesn’t mean he’s unfeeling or unable to care about people. 

song i associate with them 

once again side eyes my nikei playlist ahdfslksdfjslkfd a part of me doesn’t want to spoil one of the songs on it because i do eventually wanna release it to the public but i really just,, i really gotta go with “are you satisfied?” by marina. it’s just too perfect and i think of him every time i hear it now 

favorite picture of them 

honestly? his first tts avatar. no talk him. him angy his last tts avatar upsets me though LEAVE HIM BE LINUJ

ayumu 

favorite thing about them 

AAAAAAAAAA BOYFRIEND BOYFRIEND he’s so sweet such a good boy!! i like that he’s empathetic towards others cuz of his luck and he cares about how it affects them. i like that he’s soft and definitely a good cuddle partner. i love that he’s a trans icon even if that’s not really the intent i don’t care he just vibes trans so well (gal or guy or nonbinary but i tend to stick with the trans guy headcanon cuz haha i transmasc-)  

least favorite thing about them 

i kinda wish he had more of a canon sarcastic side? i mean i’m gonna continue to write him that way lol but c’mon there had to have been times where his luck is just so wildly terrible that his inner hinata jumps out and he makes a quip about it hfkajsdfksdf 

favorite line 

aaaaaa his little hope speech during in voices’ chapter one trial makes me soft,, i love him so much,, i also like him shutting aruma down when she’s being too horny hdlkajdsflksdf it’s really good 

brOTP 

ngl i tend to ship him with most of the class so,, like,, i also brotp him with the whole class,, dalfksdlfkasdf 

OTP 

see above but my favorite of those pairings are ayumu/seishi, ayumu/akira and ayumu/mikoto 

nOTP 

when i’m headcanoning him as a trans guy: nico, misuzu, and kasumi cuz i hc them as lesbians. when i’m headcanoning her as a trans girl: seishi. kind of a nonissue when i go with a nonbinary headcanon though 

random headcanon 

he plays minecraft with akira a lot, but they always have to play in create mode where you can’t really die otherwise it’s just a montage of ayumu dying over and over again, pfft. even with unlimited life though he still usually ends up stuck somewhere and akira has to come dig him out and since akira’s a rude boy he’s always laughing his ass off as he’s doing it smh >:0

unpopular opinion 

it’s,, silly to be mad about his “secretly a boy” twist on the same level as you’re mad about the v3 protag twist,, it’s a fangan and not even that well known of one at that like it doesn’t really have the power to “break down barriers” like that or whatever tf you’re expecting hdsflkajsfdlksdf 

song i associate with them 

he’s another character i have a playlist for ahdflaksdjflaksd but “this is home” by cavetown and i cry every time :’) 

favorite picture of them 

once again there’s not a lot of canon art to pull from but i do adore the promo art of him with his “male” and “female” versions :’0 

#aaaaaaa thank u anon even just doing these three made me feel better :'0 #i'll try to get to at least three more tonight but i also have to go to bed soon so idk ;w; #and ofc the other asks i'll get to when i can #which'll probably be tomorrow but that's not important rn #drrb #danganronpa rebirth #sdra2 #seishi yodogawa #nikei yomiuri #ayumu fujimori #marshy answers #sdra2 chapter six spoilers #cuz there's some #uhhh hopefully that's all the tags i need lol #anon

[kachinnate]

DEH on tour! 9/17/19

HI so i said i was gonna make a post describing my experience watching DEH last night so B^) if that’s a thing u sorta care abt i dropped it under the cut 

would like to start off that i had no idea that they were introducing a new touring evan and?? he’s fucking FANTASTIC ???? aH ,, but at first glance at the cast list, the only names i recognized were maggie and marrick’s.. and even then i only knew their names, i had no idea what they sounded like or even looked like tbh. if ur curious; 

evan: stephen christopher anthony jared: jared goldsmith larry: john hemphill alana: phoebe koyabe zoe: maggie mckenna cynthia: christiane noll heidi: jane pfitsch connor: marrick smith 

honestly........ i wasn’t displeased w/ a single one of these actors, holy FUCK they were so good?? i love obc w/ my entire heart, and i never thought i’d ever say this, but this cast is a CLOSE fuckin second dude. aahH. and not even because they sounded like the obc, like they all sounded completely different and brought a pretty different take to their characters and it was so..... good??? 

one specific thing that i noticed that happened in this performance compared to all the ones i’d seen before (broadway, two or three boots, two audios for arena stage) throughout was that there was a lot more.... crying? and like, just hearing that you’re probably like,, ‘oh, that’s annoying they probably made it a lot more extra :///’ but!! really i just think there was a different sort of depth that these actors took on in certain moments that made them like.... justifiable for crying when you’ve seen these scenes before and the mood was different and there weren’t tears... 

like, example: the beginning of the computer lab scene, when evan is writing his letter to himself, every evan that i’ve seen before this one read the letter out as he typed it in an almost defeated manner. like, he’s sad, obviously, how can u not be sad writing ‘maybe no one would notice if i disappeared’, but it sounds like he had long resigned to the fact that this was how things were. although it wasn’t super over the top or anything, stephen’s evan .. cried a little, like fully had some tears running down his face and was choked up as he got to the end of the letter, and i was like “!?!?!” cause it immediately gave off the sense that.. fuck, shit, evan really, really wanted his mom to be right, he genuinely had hope that today was going to be good, but.. it really wasn’t, and that kinda fuckin hurts?? like i think especially w/ us fans who know the show so well, we forget how legitimately dismal this letter is that he’s writing dsjkaefg like the murphy’s thought it was a suicide note bc it sounded like that and this might’ve been the first time i like.. didn’t question the confusion they had over it for a second, like of course you thought it was a suicide note , w/ the way evan wrote it it might as well have been 

another specifically notable moment was that alana cried throughout that scene following good for you?? like holy shit was i not prepared for that?? but she played it in a way that made so much sense, like she was so hurt that evan hadn’t cared about the project and maybe the stress of it’s weighed on her a lot because she’s just trying to do this good thing but like always everyone’s just left her to it and maybe she thought it’d be different w/ evan..... like there was a lot of pent up frustration and hurt in every word she said when i’m so used to hearing that scene delivered in a monotone, deadset, cold hurt sort of way. “i’ve moved on. obviously you don’t care.”, not “you know what?! i DON’T have time for this, I have to raise SEVENTEEN THOUSAND DOLLARS!” while choking up on tears like holy fuck alana did u really have to come for all of us like that 

(honestly in general phoebe played the best alana i’ve ever seen, hands down, period point blank, i fucking loved what she did w/ her character.... i’m not sure if she’s been alana for a while or if she’s new too, but oh my god????)

other notable cry things:

- connor was VERY audibly on the verge of tears on his “what are you laughing at?” line - when heidi and alana were singing at evan in good for you, jared was standing off to the side and was glaring daggers @ evan but was also.. crying a little and that fucking hurt  - ev was still croaky and teary from so big/so small into the scene before the finale, and zoe’s voice started catching a little halfway into their conversation and she had to stop a couple times to compose herself  - and then of course tears in the spots that usually have tears like words fail and so big so small and w/e but like. it hurt more i can’t describe it these actors personally Hurt My Feelings

all in all a lot more tears from both the characters and myself 

and just from all of THAT it goes without saying that there was a different, like... sort of depth that these characters brought to the table. stephen’s evan screamed desperate for a friend. i empathized with him immensely because literally every time he talked about fake!connor he sang so longingly and it was obvious that he needed needed needed this lie for himself too, like he wasn’t just telling it to the murphy’s to comfort them, he wanted so badly for this to be the truth for himself. the pull of the murphy’s caring about him and zoe was obviously there, but i truly didn’t think that was even a factor of this whole thing until into act 2. and even then... while it’s obvious that he’s in the wrong and his intentions get a bit more clouded, to me it feels like the general feel was “this has all gotten to out of hand, i can’t back out now, so i might as well just go along with all of this” instead of “oh hey this started as me trying to help the murphy’s but now my life is better? cool” 

his Evan Hansen Nervous Tick (tm) was wiping compulsively at his eyes (which, given how often they all cried is very valid but also kinda funny dsjgn) and his presence in general was very........... good. like, if you mix ben platt and taylor trensch’s energies, i think you’d get stephen’s evan’s stage presence, and really that’s the only way i can describe it djslgnsdg.. like he wasn’t Stoic and Awkward like ben was but he wasn’t as bouncy and quirky as taylor was, he was placed almost in the middle of those two and it... worked, i liked it a lot. it looked like he sort of hated being in his skin and sort of wanted to run away but he Won’t because he knows he needs to Try if he wants to be seen and that’s *chef’s kiss* a good energy that i can appreciate 

 jared goldsmith played his jared similarly to the way that will roland played his jared, but instead of being Blant about his love for evan he gave off a little bit more of a “haah yeh bro >B^)” energy... but still obviously gay because he’s jared, i don’t think u are legally allowed to play ur jared as a straight boy (source: will roland himself, and also the author of the deh book). something i REALLY loved specifically about his singing was that whenever they sing in a harmony, jared gets the top note, and ..... omg there was something about his voice that made the chord sound so fucking PRETTY like there’s no reason for me to be star eyed @ that ending note in sincerely, me, but here i am!!! also, jared was. tiny. SO small. how can so much chaos fit into such a small lad. 

 also i can’t remember when but there was a point where he said a line that was funny and he laughed at himself, and then the audience laughed, and then he continued to giggle and waited a few extra seconds to say his next line and it was the cutest thing i’ve ever seen 

extremely bitter at “look at you, helping the murphy’s”, he cried during good for you, and at the finale he is BEAMING at evan, like he is smiling SO BIG AT HIM, LIKE JARED GOLDSMITH PERSONALLY DECIDED “you know what, in my heart evan and jared did reconcile before the events of this moment and i’m going to make sure the audience knows because i’m going to look at him with an immeasurable amount of love in my eyes” and that was so fucking brave of him

maggie mckenna... maggie mckenna!! she was a wonderful zoe, i think she’s like my favorite zoe high key because oh my GOD? requiem fucking destroyed me... and like, i’m the odd one out because although that song is gorgeous, minus the first time i ever listened to it i never really was deeply deeply moved by it, like i understand the meaning of it and i know why it’s an extremely important song and i appreciate the amount of emotion that is portrayed within it, but to me it’s not really the Highlight of the show....... maggie’s voice was so beautiful, like soft and pretty during the beginning and powerful as FUCK on the bridge and!!!!! i wept for the first time during that song ever and i’m still shook abt it 

in general, maggie’s zoe was really balanced and well played and, like... real?? like, she was adorably hanging onto every word evan said as he stammered through their first interaction, albeit a little confused, when he’s over for dinner to talk about connor she’s indifferent and sort of aloof but it’s obvious that it’s from a place of like.. misplaced Hurt, even without knowing the plot already like it’s sort of obvious.... like maggie made it clear to the audience that zoe wasn’t supposed to be coldhearted or bitchy, she was a kid who’s been hurt by her brother and has every reason to not forgive him for it just because he’s gone and is now rightfully confused because now she has to try and cope with the fact that he might’ve been a good person even though every thing he’s ever done prior went against it, and.... ughsGDJ she was just!!! so good!!!!!! also, her chemistry that she had with evan was really real too and like.. i could believe that she actually fell for him, i could believe that she genuinely did like him for more reasons than a plot device, which is really refreshing bc i can’t rlly say that i saw that same level of like.. genuine chemistry between the evan and zoe i saw when we saw deh on broadway (it was still good, don’t get me wrong, but there was just something missing that i really only noticed by watching this performance). she’s kind of quirky and weird at some points too, which again is another thing that made her feel more real to me??? when evan was like “thank you” and touched her arms after she told him that she wasn’t breaking up with him, she fully reached out to touch his arms and fully bent her entire body in half, like her face was facing the ground and i audibly choked,, also she super gently like smacked his face at one point during only us and i heard it in his mic and he inhaled a lil sharply bc he was trying not to giggle and i. cri 

ngl, i’ve really only seen alana being played in one way up until now.... like, obviously every actor is going to play their character differently, and even from performance to performance there might be some change, but at least for the MOST part every alana i’ve seen has been straightforward: i’m chatty, i’m bright, i’m kind of lonely but i mean well and i REALLY care about this thing that we’re doing. there isn’t a lot of room for her to emote until, like... the whole good for you fiasco happens, the scene before it and after it, when she’s upset with evan for not helping, but even then there’s usually a trend with how she’s played. phoebe played her with SO much emotion and made her SO much more than what i expected to see??? like she cared... so much, but it was obvious that she was maybe not going about it in the right way. she seemed more like an awkward kid just like the rest of them, it was a bit more obvious that she didn’t think of herself as perfect, and it seemed a lot more clear that her intentions for helping out with the connor project were never about herself or making herself look good - it was because it genuinely meant something to her. yes, she was still a lot at times, but when evan accuses her of only being in it to help herself, it’s so like... evidently not true. like u don’t even have to see alana’s expression at all or hear how she responds, ur just immediately like “oh, so evan’s gonna be a dick now” because it’s just so obvious that it’s not like that at all, y’know?? alana had... big feelings, and she was more than the smart girl that drove the plot forward at points and gets screwed over by evan. also, her voice was extremely pretty as well *heart eyes emoji* 

both of the moms brought something similar to this show: it was obvious that while they started their characterization with what obc brought, they made it their own. they brought new mannerisms and choices up and they were both so??? fucking cute????? like they had extreme mom energy, at points it felt so real, like something about the whole scene with them talking together in the murphy house b4 good for you felt..... so so so real and it was disorienting. they both made me cry so like they definitely did their job 

ALSO the fucking way that heidi was looking at evan in the finale like. was one of the things that made me weep the hardest, like holy shit. she loves her son so much!!!!!! and i am CRYING !!!!!!!!! but anyway

*CLAPPING HANDS EMOJI* LARRY. FUCKING. MURPHY. oh my GOD he was an amazing larry !!!!!! like i know the fandom likes to demonize larry murphy but watching this man, i couldn’t think for a single second that this man was a bad father. he was trying so hard and just went about it in the wrong ways, and ... ghh... to break in a glove isn’t supposed to make you tear up but guess what (also this might be a personal problem but seeing him interact w/ evan gave me surges of feelings that reminded me that i have daddy issues ajdnGS like he was so. sweet. all the time, i want to throw a baseball around with this man and have him explain football to me even though i know i won’t understand it). his singing was rlly good too... like hearing it, i was like “ah. i can hear it in ur voice that when u were younger u were a bright tenor lad, but a bright tenor lad in the way that was good and not terribly nasally”  

marrick was really good, but i’m like 85% sure that he was sick :’( his voice caught and he had to clear his throat a few times during sincerely, me, and he had a break on a certain note and couldn’t go higher than that, which.... is rough because although connor isn’t super tenor-y all the time he definitely ... doesn’t sing just low (but when he did sing low? *chefs kiss*) but other than that? v good acting, like evan this connor just... rlly wanted a friend. he almost cried when evan started laughing at him, and he sounded extremely devastated when he read the note... as evan’s OC, he played it very Defeated(tm) instead of confrontational, which obvs Hurt bc evan was fully like “no!!!! i fell!!” while connor was just “ did u. or did u let go.” u don’t gotta be confrontational when u are the inner demons of a boy and aren’t actually a person yaknow >B’’’’^) nevertheless i am crying xoxo!!!!!!!

all in all?? fucking incredible, i can’t believe i had the opportunity to see this cast and i’m going to hold them in a v special place in my heart :’) 

#dear evan hansen #deh #deh tour #dear evan hansen tour #garbage.txt #if you have any specific questions feel free to ask bc this is going to be the only thing i think about for the next three months #long post #longpost

[solidburnreturned]

by popular demand, here is my oc chatter regarding stuff like relationships n random character traits. its rly long oops but i divided it by character at least lmao,, these are all things that i think id also wanna use if i ever use these characters as humans (which i def will at some point honestly)

- i thinkkkk i want toad and pike to date. toad would come across pike in their lagoon one day while hes wandering around on another wonked exploration and pike is like hey lol :B with their pointy teeth and long ass hair and toad is like :0 he just sits and talks with pike for hours and comes by a few times a week to hang out with them. they fall in LOVE

- fred and lani are def gonna date too. two butches who use he/him pronouns fuck yeah? they have a powerful relationship. mega BDE. power couple. not a lot of pda but alone together theyre both very loving and tender, its a vulnerability thing for both of them. like lani is very cool and can be either stoic or borderline obnoxious while fred is punkish. fred is very head over heels for lani tho 

- mardi n berg.....complicated....i gotta figure out how they actually end up together. berg is a jogger and mardi is a piercer/tattoo artist so that doesnt....make them line up very much in that department. ill think about it more and figure something out. itll probably have something to do with berg’s nose stripes and eye rings

- also side note on mardi......i want his backstory to include a grey period set off by his brother being eaten when they were both young at the troll tree. like he becomes angry and depressed, sorta like branch, his tattoos that he gives himself the only color on his body, until he learns to let go and his colors come back (high key this was inspired by 21 savage, mardi’s voice claim, and the line in his new song A Lot “my brother lost his life and it turned me to a beast”). ill develop this idea further but i just wanted to get it written down

- bismuth.......unsure. they had a crush on pepper and kept trying to ask her out until she came out to them as a lesbian, then they were like :’) but theyre ride or die theyre not gonna be an ass to her because they cant date her. they just care a lot about her. its like icarly

- gazpacho and jupiter CUTE two small trans trolls in That Love. i need to develop them more but. theyre just cute 

- talia is still a little too new for me to develop her......but im thinkin about it...

- kinda same with ernie and olive. they kinda mostly just exist as cute babby characters right now? if anything olive is a trouble maker and ernie is a chatterbox

- clem and thursday also fuckin cute as hell......clem was a nervous wreck asking thursday out but theyve been together like ever since, which is more than a few years. they have a rly cute gentle lovey dovey relationship. thursday is usually hanging around up on her gf’s shoulder giving her kisses on the cheek

- bea and crystal.......adorabl relationship......crystal is another character thats kinda nervous but bea is so chill n confident is helps calm her down. theyre both trans and love the hell out of each other. rly slow n steady relationship, bea is very patient

- pj and marcus!!!! dumb mlm rep relationship. pj is so so gay for marcus he can barely comprehend it. its a dumb ego boost for marcus but hes also very in love with pj, he just expresses it in a weird cocky way idk marcus is a nerd. i need to make more content for them i think about these two way more than it seems

- dwight!! he has a boat. he lives on the boat.....ive thought about maybe pairing him with toad and pike. deciding on his voice claim has been the most difficult thing ever

- kass and current HELL yeah buff gf and tol gf......they spar with swords and wrestle for fun and hang out at the beach a lot. kass fuckin loves the gem on current’s back. i gotta make more content for them 

- celia......i wanna do more with celia. friends with berg probs theyre both sporty. shes just a sweet giant troll who loves mushrooms. i gotta pair her with someone whose palette goes nicely with her pastels 

- carrot and harriet are literally cricket and tilly from big city greens just older. yeehaw siblings. havent thought about relationship stuff with harriet yet.....i think she also needs ANOTHER redesign her colors are just too heavy still. maybe if i can make her colors compliment celia’s that could work as a pairing? hm hm.....carrot tho is dating ford’s oc rye theyre gentle country gays

- rainer. hm. i dont think theyre rly the dating type......theyre just chill with being them. they just wanna swim and be funny

- hammond and andromeda are probs two of my least developed characters.....hammond still needs a redesign. he might be cute to pair with walter, theyre around the same age. andromeda tho i have no idea. she might be a nice pairing with eve? if i ever feel like pairing her with someone...who knows. eve is very carefree and might find andromeda’s energy too intense

- radish i wanna make more content for!! i rly like her a lot....i think shes another troll who isnt interested in dating. shes very focused on being a chef instead. loves her friends a lot!

- mack and pepper 2gether 4ever obvs......they have a relationship that gets richer with age for sure

- im just gonna ramble about mack. i thinkkkkkkk i wanna make her half latina? columbian specifically. she doesnt quite read as white and i didnt make her with the intention of making her white. anyway i love mack a whole lot and should really develop her backstory more. its not rly as like...””tragic”” or whatever as pepper’s i know that but she def has layers. i wanna give her whole family more depth. she has a very complicated relationship with her own feelings and motivations that i need to think about more fully. my powerful femme tho i lov her

- mack’s parents, robin and champagne, i need to like....think about them more. they have kinda a comedic relationship thats sorta inspired by roger rabbit and jessica rabbit. robin is a very caring, gentle troll who’s very smart and cares a lot about his nursing responsibilities in the village. champagne is very relaxed and the “voice of reason” character of the family. she loves a good party and has her party planning down to a science. both are very successful power parents. kickass family

- i already talked about topaz and marney in a separate post but i still love them both so much. big wesbiabs

- pepper....pebber. im gonna talk about her the most obviously gfhjdkrs i wanna talk about her mental health i feel like i think about it a lot but i never write about it explicitly? this is gonna be long oops hgjfksd she has depression and ptsd stemming from the trauma of her crash...im thinking she also has adhd and thats just something shes always had. her depression rly got heavy during her recovery and right after like...she hated being bed/housebound and felt rly powerless to her situation and just let it eat at her until her personality had actually changed considerably. like extroverted wild child rebel to introverted, soft-spoken sulker. this got better with time but she still is pretty introverted, just turned her moodiness into chill energy. 

- she has bad depression habits like letting dishes, old food, laundry, or just stuff pile up in her room until it gets overwhelming and she spends like two days just manically cleaning; or staying in bed for way longer than she should and messing with her hygiene; or eating way more or way less than she should eat in a day. just stuff thats hard to completely break out of when youre recovering. her color is pretty consistently the dark red but if shes having a particularly rough day she might look a little paler, or like a muddy brick color at her worst. thats kinda rare tho

- her ptsd is the thing she hates the most. for a while it made her feel very weak and she’d beat herself up over being traumatized by the crash which was obviously not helpful to her mental state but she was really all over the place during her bodily recovery. its part of the reason why she started working out, she wanted to reclaim some sort of feeling of strength and power that she felt she’d lost completely. she still gets really frustrated with this feeling of loss but she gets a lot of support from loved ones which has helped her not self-blame so much. her ptsd manifests mostly as nightmares/insomnia, chronic headaches/stomachaches, intrusive thoughts and sometimes flashbacks. the nightmares are what rly get to her, she really doesnt get a lot of good sleep and it can get to the point where she just doesnt want to sleep sometimes and she’ll stay awake until she crashes hard

- her scars used to be a big trigger for her ptsd, which is why she has her bangs covering the one on her face and wears long pants (her knee braces are too bulky for pants and would force her to wear shorts which would force her to expose her scars). she just. really really hates them. this is something she struggles with for a majority of her life

- once she and mack start going steady with their dating and start consistently sleeping in the same bed, pepper starts to sleep better. she still has nightmares that wake her up at least weekly, but having mack there to comfort her (whether she wakes mack up accidentally or if mack is already awake) helps a TON with getting her back to sleep soundly. it also just helps her sleep in general to have that comforting, loving presence in her bed snuggled up to her ;w; mack is a big help in general with pepper’s mental health, pushing pepper to make better, healthier choices and get out in the village more and have fun. mack for sure does not “”cure”” pepper of anything but shes a very positive light in pepper’s life that helps her pull thru tough times!

- i love all my goofy trolls so much. its so fun to just chill and blab about them to relax between working on big projects ;o; ty if u cared enough to read this whole thing ur so rad

#writing about my hooligan troll ocs is so relaxing #like im not overly invested its just something fun to think about and thats just very nice #txt #oc #oc rambles #ill tag it as that so i dont lose this #trolls #long post

[stephhannes]

booked and busy

sometimes when i think about dating again i’m like “how am i supposed to do this when i’m not young and hot anymore?” and then i have to remind myself that i’m 25, not dead. it’s hard to not feel behind though when everyone i went to high school with is already on their second marriage. 

speaking of marriage, all of my friends got married last summer. i get that pandemic weddings suck for the people getting married- but they were great for me, because i didn’t even have the option of having to be like “haha hey sorry i can’t come i’m still grieving the loss of my wedding xoxo send me ur registry.” for future reference, i am still emotionally unavailable to attend any weddings. i don’t even really drink anymore so don’t even think about trying to lure me in with an open bar- hit me up for your second weddings, i might be ready by then. 

let’s address the elephant in the room: i’ve been lonely lately. i’ve finally gotten to a point where i’m not constantly in survival mode, the last couple of years have been tough- between the whole being so sad i thought i was simply going to pass away thing and being so poor that i thought i was going to pass away thing. but i’m finally at a place where i have a little bit of time to think of other things than “oh my god am i going to be able to pay rent this month?” and the thing i’ve been thinking about is how much it sucks to come home to…just myself. 

in november, i officially moved back to austin after my departure due to the pandemic. when i initially returned, i wasn’t sure how long i’d be back in austin for. my lease at my apartment ended in july, and i ended up basically housesitting for a friend. and as the paramount kept having events, i kept extending my time housesitting. and eventually i wound up with a second job. 

a coworker asked if i was available for a couple-day gig and i was like “yes, i love money” and that gig has extended until now. it’s not technically permanent, but maybe if i bat my eyelashes enough i can keep working. i’ve now somehow weaseled my way into the TV industry which is hilarious because one of my favorite pastimes in college was getting involved with film bro dudes and absolutely horrifying them with how little knowledge i have of tv/film. 

with the second job, i knew that i needed to find a place to live. i also knew that i still didn’t make enough money to actually be able to rent anything in this hell city without a guarantor, and as a woman that has no financially stable adults, my options were slim. and somehow- i got lucky. the friend i was housesitting for ended up actually moving out, and i just slid right in. and now look at me! the proud renter of a house! i have a backyard! i pay way too much money in rent! i love it! 

i love my house. she’s uhhhh, quirky- but she’s a place to live. in november, i began the arduous process of moving all my shit from abilene back to austin, a shuffle i’ve made too many times at this point. it took three trips, but i eventually moved my wares- a desk, a nightstand, a handful of kitchen items, my clothes. for awhile, it was pretty empty in here. but it’s finally starting to fill in. i spent my first couple of weeks building flatpack ikea furniture, and eventually started scouring the salvation armies near me. my biggest dilemma was trying to find a couch.

how do people with no friends, no truck, and no money get a couch to their home? i’d find a cheap one on facebook marketplace, but would need someone to pick it up for me. i looked through wayfair, but the idea of waiting for a couch that may or may not arrive in 5-10 weeks and need two people to assemble was too much. and eventually, my neighbor was like “hey do you want my old couch? i just got a new one” and i was like “uh yes, absolutely.” shortly after that, i found a chair at salvation army for $25. and hark! there it was, finally i had a place to sit down. as they say, every desk is a standing desk when you don’t have anything to sit on. 

when it came to furnishing my place, i was willing to wait for the right pieces. when i moved in, i thought a lot about the place i had in philly with nathan. if i’m being honest, i hated it. all of our furniture was black, from walmart. it looked ugly, it was uninspired, but it was functional. and sure, at that point, that’s all that mattered. we only lived there for a month, so obviously there wasn’t time to actually move in and personalize it. but still, i didn’t want to have that experience with my place. in all honesty, it’s always felt like home. even when the only thing i had was a mattress on the floor of my bedroom and a bar cart. but now that it’s starting to fill in, it’s been really great. 

when jose first came to visit, he immediately was like “this place has good vibes,” and i have to agree. when i first moved out on my own after nathan died, i moved back into an apartment that i had already lived in during the before times. it haunted me. even though i had filled it with completely new furniture, in a completely different arrangement, the walls still knew too much. 

sometimes it’s lonely living by myself. i’ve always had a roommate and this is my first time where i’m just coming home to me. i miss living with nathan. it was all the perks of living alone (not having to wear pants in shared spaces, being able to be awake at stupid hours of the night) with the addition of the warmth of being able to come home to a partner. to be able to say “hey, i’m at 125th right now, i’ll be home soon,” and have someone excited for my arrival. to not have to stress about doing all the chores because someone else was there to lighten the load. to have someone to reel me in when i start spiraling before bed. 

i had to have a weird conversation with myself when it came to hanging up pictures on my wall. i have pictures with all of my favorite people, which obviously includes pictures of nathan and i had to take a moment to ask myself “does seeing his face every day still make me happy?” when i try to make myself sad, i’ll go through all the pictures of him on my phone. and for a period of time, catching the glimpses of us hanging on my wall would put me in a weird mood. i ended up leaving the pictures up. i hate thinking about the day i’ll eventually take them down. 

becoming a home-renter has taken a village. from my friend advocating for me to make sure i got the lease, to jose and dan coming here on the weekends to do all the stuff i just don’t have time for (yard work, knocking down wasp nests, cleaning my blinds), to everyone that’s given me furniture or other home goods. and most recently, my friends that let me live with them during the snowstorm because my home became uninhabitable because one of her quirks is that she’s impossible to keep warm! 

i’ve felt so supported by my friends lately, which has been dope- but there’s still a lingering emptiness. starting next week, i’m going to attempt to fill that emptiness with 50mg of zoloft (yes, ya girl finally got an anti-depressant prescription), but realistically, i know that i’m missing having a partner.

something i’ve noticed a lot on The Apps is that dudes will put “no kids, never married” in their bio, and while i do appreciate the child disclaimer- the whole ‘never married’ disclaimer sends me on a spiral. because like, yeah i’ve never technically been married, but i feel like that’s an even worse way to try to explain my past than just being like “yes i’m 25 yes i’m a widow yes we exist,” and it’s like- why are you seeing that and addressing it like it’s a red flag? shouldn’t be a good sign that there’s been at least one person who liked me enough to want to marry me? i still haven’t worked out the best way to navigate the whole “haha yeah i’m a widow” conversation, as you can imagine, it’s A Lot to ingest. 

(also, a quick side tangent- over the last few months, my blog has gotten a lot more hits, like literally thousands more than usual, and as a result of that, i’ve been getting a lot of pushback because of the way that i refer to myself as a widow even though i wasn’t married. i’ve never had to make this disclaimer to anyone that knows me in real life, because they get it. but i wanted to make a quick disclaimer to anyone that’s ever thought “lol this poor grieving woman isn’t a widow!!! i must tell her in a very rude way!!!” literally the only reason i wasn’t legally married was because nathan died before we could get married. in every other aspect, we were married. we had joint finances, we were on a lease together, but more importantly, every decision we made was with the other person in mind and with the intent of bettering each others’ lives- we were very much A Unit. being legally married doesn’t legitimize a relationship in any sort of significant way, other than….legally. the whole point of marriage is to promise to take care of someone until they (or you) die, and that’s exactly what i did. and by that merit, yeah, i do refer to myself as a widow. if you want to be technical about it, legally, no i’m not a widow…but like….get over it….are you really going to argue semantics with someone that lost their partner?)

ok so back to the hell that is Being On Dating Apps. i’ve done my time, i’ve put in my work, and when nathan and i got together i was so excited that i didn’t have to date ever again because honestly, i hate it. and now look at me, back in business. 

it’s exhausting being this unimpressed by men. my arms are tired from having to carry every conversation. 

i’ve talked about the first date i went on after nathan died, but the second one is truly a train wreck that needs to be witnessed. 

picture this: i’m on bumble, and i start talking to this dude that’s like….pretty decent. we’re having a good enough conversation, and eventually he’s like “hey! let’s get lunch this week” and like an unsuspecting fool, i said yes. so we go to lunch, and once again, things are surprisingly normal. until eventually, he looks me in the eyes and says with his whole heart- “hey, i’ve gotta be honest with you. i’m actually a magician, i recognized you on bumble from in & of itself and i really just wanted to pick your brain and ask some questions about the show,” and i immediately was like “oh yeah for sure, let me run to the bathroom real quick and then we can discuss magic” and then i literally made myself disappear. i just left. poof. no trace of me to be found again.

i’ve always said that i hate magic because if i wanted to get lied to i would just do it for free by talking to a man- and boy, have i always been right. 

anyway, now i live in fear of being bamboozled by a magician again. 

one time i let my friend swipe through my apps for me, and she was like “you sure do match with a lot of people named nathan,” and i was like “yeah, i think it’s the trauma.” i went through a phase where i’d swipe right on anyone with any sort of commonality with nathan….like literally anything. i’d see someone that graduated from columbia and i’d be like “ok that works” or like…..i’d see a picture of someone playing a trumpet and i’d just swipe right. 

i’ve tried to break myself of that habit because like, that’s not fair to the other person but sometimes i recognize those little patterns and it’s just a little reminder of how i’m still broken. 

when i’ve mentioned being back on apps, sometimes people are like “omg how did you move on? i couldn’t imagine dating someone else” and first of all- bold of you to assume i’ve moved on, also bold of you to assume that it’s not totally terrifying to me. being back on apps isn’t the same thing as being in a relationship with someone else. just because i’ve been casually talking to people doesn’t necessarily mean anything substantial. it’s progress, but the thought of having to be genuinely vulnerable around someone else is hard to wrap my head around, especially now with all this additional baggage. 

there have been times in my life where i’ve struggled with feelings of being unloveable. when i was in college, i was convinced that i would die alone. and a lot of the work that happened within my relationship with nathan revolved around getting me to a place where i was able to be like “i am a person deserving of love.” 

i’ve had to come to terms with the fact that there are also countless other people in this world deserving of love, and i have plenty of it to offer. do i wish i was offering to nathan? absolutely, all the time. i know that my relationship with nathan is incomparable, but that doesn’t mean that i can’t go on to have fulfilling relationships with other men. right before nathan and i got together, in the time when we thought we were about to go our separate ways- we had this conversation where i was like “lol you’ll be fine, you’re about to move to new york and you’ll find someone better than me and forget that i exist” and his response to that was “shut the fuck up, do you actually believe that? i have what i have with you- even if i wanted to, i couldn’t just replicate that with someone else.” and i think about that a lot now- in the sense of i had i had with nathan, and nothing will touch that, or replace that, or compare to that- and that’s totally okay. that doesn’t take away from or negate the importance of theoretical future relationships. 

i can’t say that i’m actively looking for a partner right now, but if the opportunity presents itself, i’m not opposed to the concept of dating someone. like i tweeted the other day, “i can’t believe that one day i’m going to have to be a mother figure to a straight man, yet again.”

ok cool, so that’s enough vulnerability for today- i’m gonna save the rest for my therapist xoxo

+++

the fun thing about having jobs (plural) is that instead of feeling emotions i just feel stressed. i can’t believe that i’ve finally become one of those people that has to be constantly doing something but here i am, working from 9-5 and then coming home to do chores and then scrolling through my phone while watching netflix because god forbid i allow my brain to have one single moment where i’m alone with my thoughts. some days i work from 9am to midnight and those are the days where i really don’t have any time to be alone with my thoughts. thank god! 

i have been taking time to try to do more creative pursuits. i’ve been writing more- recreationally. my resolution this year was to become the most insufferable woman in the world, so i am currently working on both a screenplay and a stand-up routine. i’ve also been doing some freelance editing and social media consulting. which like…..how millennial of me to do. 

circling back to the “having thousands more readers” on my blog thing i mentioned earlier, i checked my stats the other day and i’ve somehow gotten 10k page views in the last few months. i’ve been getting a lot of DMs on instagram/emails/etc from people that are like “oh my god i feel so much less alone now” which is insane. 

after nathan died, i purposefully stayed away from all grief content- i didn’t want any influence on what i was feeling- especially when i started writing how i was feeling. i wanted to be able to look back on it and know that the feelings i was writing about were uniquely mine. and then slowly, i started introducing works about grief into my reading lists and i also remember having those moments of “oh!! other people feel this way!!” but, if i’m being honest, a lot of grief writing makes me cringe. i hate platitudes, i hate cliches, i hate when people try to give me unsolicited advice and i hate published collections of advice even more. 

nonetheless, i keep getting asked the same question- “does it ever get easier?”

so here’s what i’ll say about that, it does. 

there was a period of time in my life where i’d be awake at 4am frantically googling “can you die from a broken heart?” (spoiler alert, apparently you can). i didn’t leave my house for 9 months. i literally could not be social without having to step away to cry. it was impossible to function. everything felt so incredibly empty (and i definitely still have days where things feel meaningless), i was literally a whisper of who i used to be. and then gradually, it got easier. my chest was a little less tight, the weight on my shoulders was a little lighter, and now i probably feel the closest to “myself” i’ve ever felt. 

everyone told me that the second year is the hardest, but there was a chunk of time where i didn’t even think i would make it to the second year. and then i did. and the second year has been weird (love grieving and also getting tossed into a pandemic) but it’s been better. i’ve been joking about it a lot more. which i’ve noticed a lot of people being very confused by- but to paint you a picture, one time pretty shortly after nathan died one of my friends texted me and was like “hey…..you haven’t made any jokes and i’m pretty concerned. you must really be doing terribly if you’re not joking about it” and they were right! i was doing terribly! 

but i’ll leave you with this- perhaps the most egregious platitude of them all- it gets better.

but first, it’s going to be really awful.

[vyragosa]

vyra, i was so inspired & encouraged by you posting ur fanfiction!  i loved it so much!  i had written this a week or so ago, but i didn’t have the courage to figure out how to send it. 

i dont know i want to put my name to it because i dont think tonbokiri and sengo are fully in character (though i would like to grow as a writer until i can write them well), and i also dont want to spam ur blog with it, but i did write it as a kind of “thank you” for streaming mihotose the other week, and i thought that, if you have the courage to post yours, then i want to have the courage to send you this gift, even if mine isn’t all that good.  

because of its length, don’t feel pressured to post it onto your blog if you don’t want to! i don’t mind either way. it’s entirely up to you, because as far as i’m concerned, it’s your gift for you to do with what you like.  you don’t have to comment on it if you don’t want to, or you can choose to; you don’t have to post it unless you want to; etc.  im not sure if this is the best way to send you this, because im still not 100% on how the “submit” feature works, but i hope this is readable; 

(put the rest of the message under the cut with the fic v )

(ok so first of all i couldn’t wait to be home and read during a break in the freezing cold and i literally could not stop crying involuntarily, literally unable to stop still) your grasp on them, i just, how raw 

the way you wrote their fears and tears? tonbo being so excessive to the point of being incredibly self-destructive, thinking that his words are never appropriate when each time, they are? disregarding his own self for others, for him

sengo being so, so self-contained to the point of facade completely shattering from a single world (which reminds of his face almost choking back tears in mihotose being told he isn’t alone i’m NOT ok) wanting to take care of him instead, to make him realize no one should go that far for him, and especially not tonbokiri

thank you so much for taking the time to write all of this? i’m a bit at loss of words i’m afraid i can’t praise it as much as i think of it but i genuinely cherish it with all my heart, and please don’t downplay yourself like this in the future you don’t give yourself enough credit that i can’t put in words

“Did you sleep better, back then?”

Sengo’s face has turned back to the window, not fully, but so all Tonbokiri can see is the apple of his grinning cheek tremble.

“I would take those unpleasant memories from you, if I could,” Tonbokiri says.  He says it quietly, because if he spoke any louder then his voice would crack with its own weight.  “Sometimes I wish I could, if it would ease your suffering.”

Sengo laughs wetly.  "And then we’d never have met.” “I’d find you still.”

i have another ao3 account invite arriving hopefully soon, so if you want this to be more clean, i could post it there maybe if that would be better.  & i have never written for anyone before, and i don’t think anyone has seen anything i’ve written in a few years, so please don’t think too harshly on my characterisations, writing, dialogue, pacing, etc. because i’ve never had anyone to critique my mistakes.  

(i also think i started writing this with the intention of it being an au where they had been human but very much like that spies or assassins, like i saw on your blog, so if anything seems strange, it’s because of that!  i didn’t mention anything explicitly, but i wanted to give myself some room because i’m not fully familiarised with the canon yet, so that’s why some things may not be in line with canon, even though they may call themselves “spear/sword.“  i wanted to write something in between the phases of them being very traumatised by their life experiences and starting the road to recovery; between them still considering themselves weapons lacking autonomy and them starting to think of themselves as people who can make their own decisions.)  as i said, i know there are places where it definitely feels even to me that tonbokiri and sengo are ooc, but i hope you’ll forgive those moments while i begin figuring out how to write them properly.  even if you don’t enjoy this so much, hopefully you can use this at least as something to give you different ideas.

~ Tonbokiri is woken by Sengo.

He knows this even before his eyes are open.  If he could not tell by the thin fingers brushing back his hair; or the sound of his sleep-husked voice, unusually quiet, unusually tremulous, calling his name; or even the faint smell of cherry blossoms still sticking to Sengo’s skin after they’d taken Monoyoshi to see around the city and the nearest park just the day before … if he could not tell by any of that, then Tonbokiri would know just from habit.

It is in the nature of things like them to awaken fighting; to burst into consciousness at the slightest sounds; to feign sleep while reaching for their knife under their pillow, or to listen to the sounds of the building adjusting to the new weight with wailing creaks and then to launch at their attacker.  That is in their training.  It had taken some time - though, not nearly as much as either of them had expected - for Tonbokiri and Sengo to adjust to each other’s presence, but now that they have, if he is woken in any manner and his body allows the haze of semi-consciousness to fog his mind, then Sengo must be near, keeping him peaceful.

He is woken by Sengo most nights in some way or another, though not usually for long.  A leg thrown over his waist might catch his attention, their hips budging as they shift might stir him, fine hair in his face and tickling his nose will wake him with a sneeze, or the blankets being pulled further to one side than the other might cause him to wake just enough to pull them back.  To all of these, Tonbokiri will smile, ensure that nothing in the room is out of place and disturbing him, and drift back to sleep.  On less pleasant nights, he is woken by Sengo’s fitful dreaming.  Not his nightmares, or at least not the fully-fledged ones - while he knows Sengo has periods where his dreams give him pain, he too often wakes himself first, quiet enough or still enough to never wake Tonbokiri, and instead lets him rest unknowing; and so Tonbokiri only ever catches the after-images of these nightmares: the restless attempt to fall back asleep again, tear tracks on Sengo’s otherwise dormant face, smiles the next day that are a little too wide … all signs of something that Sengo endured right beside him that Tonbokiri missed.  Sengo brings them up occasionally, but never seriously, only to tell him something particularly gruesome that he thinks might scare Tonbokiri away, or with a wink and a fluttering hand as if he’s trying to convince them both that he’s telling a particularly overblown ghost story rather than his own memories.

They haunt him like ghosts, certainly, but they’re no less real.

Tonight, Sengo had woken him, but he’s already awake himself, face scrunched into something just a little more serious than his usual pout.

“Muramasa … ?” he murmurs.  This is strange to him, and his body is reacting frustratingly slowly.  Lovingly slowly; it - he - trusts Sengo implicitly; he can almost imagine his resting muscles asking what such a rush is for, if Sengo is here.

A light is already on in their room, a dim amber glow in the corner from a lamp.  Just hazy enough to leave deep shadows in haloed curves around the furniture, but just bright enough to leave a pleasant highlight on Sengo’s face.

“Ah, you’re awake.“  His fingernails scratch pleasantly at Tonbokiri’s scalp, brushing through his hair.  Sengo is sitting with Tonbokiri’s head in his lap; he is surprised none of the movement woke him sooner.

“Of course,” he repeats, forcing his eyelids to remain fully open despite his comfort.  “Of course,” he repeats, “didn’t you call me?"  He thinks he remembers Sengo’s voice, whispering his name.  "Is something wrong?”

“Don’t you remember?  You were having a nightmare.”

The fatigue seeps from him in an instant, leaving him cold and awake.  The cold centres in his chest like ice, but Sengo’s hands near his head are still warm.  So it was me who woke him first …  It’s troubling to think of how he may have disturbed what little peaceful sleep Sengo had earned just with his own bothersome thoughts.  “Oh,” he eventually manages.  “Yes, I don’t remember at all.  Thank you for waking me from it so quickly.”

Before he can apologise for waking Sengo himself, Sengo’s pout changes shape, and his warm hands travel to Tonbokiri’s chest, thawing that frozen feeling.  “But your heart is racing, can’t you feel that?”

“Ah, that,” he says.  He notices now that it’s been pointed out.  But he smiles up at Sengo rather than think about it.  “My heart always races when I look at you.”

Sengo splutters slightly in surprise, face turning a soft pink, glowing in the dusky orange lamplight, framed by highlights of long, feathery hair.  Tonbokiri could stare at him for so long …

I wonder if it just got faster.  He puts a hand over Sengo’s, both of them over his heart.

The flush doesn’t fade, but Sengo adopts a wry, amused smile, wrinkling his nose mischeviously, eyes twinkling.  “Pardon the intrusion, then, if I’ve interrupted a dream in which I’m undressing.”

“It’s no interruption, if you’re the one who wakes me."  How could even the most pleasant dream he conjure compare to the real thing?  Ah, embarrassing, even the thought makes his cheek heat.  "And, I am sorry,” he manages, next, before he blurts out something even more sentimental.

Sengo’s smile doesn’t vanish, but his eyes go wide and study him carefully, scrutinising.

“For waking you,” Tonbokiri explains.  “I–”

He is distracted by a flash of deep red slashed across the palm of Sengo’s hand, made noticeable as he moves it from Tonbokiri’s chest to his own lap.

He shoots upwards, almost knocking Sengo backwards with his speed and size.  In the light, with the movement, the red shimmers.  Tonbokiri forces himself to think rationally despite his hammering heart, to come into a sitting position beside Sengo and move slower; Sengo’s muscles have clenched, shoulders tightened, and his gaze is scanning the room for whatever threat he thinks must have made its presence announced.

Tonbokiri scolds himself internally.  He knows what they both are, and he was foolish to react in a way that has left Sengo waiting for an attack, and after Sengo woke him up so gently.  His breathing slows purposefully, steadily, and he outstretches his hands to take Sengo’s.  Slowly, so that if Sengo wanted to knock his hands away, he could.

But Sengo offers the hand faster than Tonbokiri asks, eyebrows high on his head, offering a faint, “What’s the matter?” into the open air.

Tonbokiri’s thumb presses into the heel of Sengo’s hand as he turns it to examine it closer.  A thread of his own hair, dark red, had caught itself on Sengo’s ring finger.  His hands had been so gentle that Tonbokiri hadn’t even felt the roots tug in his scalp, even as the strands were drawn with the movement.

His exhale is a heavy huff of relieved air.  His thumbs trace the lines of Sengo’s blessedly unblemished palm.  “I thought I’d cut you."  The red like a river of blood deep in Sengo’s skin … all just a strand of his hair.  It had just shone oddly in the light, is all.  It had looked like something it wasn’t, and his mind had jumped to its own conclusions.

"You didn’t,” says Sengo, flexing his hand to better see it himself.  Then, thoughtfully, almost like a challenge.  “You couldn’t.”

Tonbokiri almost traitorously thinks, I have, remembers the dragonfly, then silences that weakness.  No matter what his body is capable of, has done, he won’t let it harm Sengo.

“Huhuhu, even without saying any words, the things you think are so loud,” says Sengo, tapping Tonbokiri’s temple with his unhurt hand.  “You didn’t, and so what would it matter if you had?  I thought you told me you didn’t remember you’d had a nightmare.”

“I can’t remember it,” begins Tonbokiri.  “And it would matter, if I’d hurt you.”

Sengo flicks his wrist to dismiss that thought.  They’re sitting so close together, and yet Sengo’s face has turned at an angle impossible to read.  “But you seem so alert, after waking."  With an insincere edge, "Would it make you more at ease if I undressed right now?”

He frowns.  “If I can’t remember it, I’d say it hasn’t bothered me so much,” he says.  “But … you worry me.  Are you alright?”

“You’re such a worrywart.  Aren’t you the one with bad dreams?”

“We both have bad dreams."  Tonbokiri leans closer now, and Sengo gives him reluctant eye contact.  "Did it trouble you when I woke up?”

Now Sengo smiles.  It’s tight on his face; a mixture of the false, teasing grins he wears for the others, and the pained, bittersweet twist that sometimes unwillingly slips onto his face.  “You didn’t.”

“Trouble you?"  Then he realises.  He lowers his gaze.  "Wake you.”

It isn’t a question, but Sengo still confirms it with a half-shrug, doing his best not to look bothered about it.

“I’m glad, then,” Tonbokiri decides.  “That I had that dream and you woke me.  No one of us should be awake alone at this hour.”

Sengo shrugs again, more haphazard this time, rising to cross the room to their window and look out over the night.  “It’s not so bad.  I used to stay up and stare at the stars, before.  I would wonder which unlucky one I must have been born under."  He flashes a playful grin over his shoulder, one that Tonbokiri can’t return.

Before.  Before he was Mihotose.  Tonbokiri himself hardly feels as if he’s been here long, although he feels so at peace with the team.  But he had spent so long as the spear belonging to just one man before this; Sengo has had many handlers.  Does it feel so differently for him?  Does time pass differently?  There are times when Tonbokiri worries that Sengo feels isolated for being the last of them to join.

"Did you sleep better, back then?”

Sengo’s face has turned back to the window, not fully, but so all Tonbokiri can see is the apple of his grinning cheek tremble.

“I would take those unpleasant memories from you, if I could,” Tonbokiri says.  He says it quietly, because if he spoke any louder then his voice would crack with its own weight.  “Sometimes I wish I could, if it would ease your suffering.”

Sengo crosses back, but so quickly Tonbokiri barely catches a glimpse of his face.  His hands grasp Tonbokiri’s shoulders, and his purple head rests above red.  “How peaceful … but then I’d have almost no memories whatsoever.”

“Then I’d wish for you to have a different life.  A normal one.  A human one."  Speaking as if they aren’t humans.  But, some days, it would be almost more impossible to believe they are.

Sengo laughs wetly.  "And then we’d never have met.”

“I’d find you still.”

A drop lands squarely on Tonbokiri’s head.  He pretends that it could be possible for it to rain inside their room, rather than feel the deep sorrow in his chest knowing that Sengo is crying.

“I am Sengo Muramasa,” Sengo declares.  Bold, but sad.  “And not that stranger who lived some normal, human life.  If this Tonbokiri … if he has regrets,” he speaks softly, with no judgement, “then I’m sure that that other Muramasa is out there … instead of inside this room, where you’re trapped with the demon.”

“How can I have any regrets in this life that took me to you?"  His voice is heavy and wet.

"In this life that’s given you nightmares … you have no regrets?  You wouldn’t change it?”

“No.”

“You’d take all those lives again?  Walk down this path that you’ve walked down?”

“If you were waiting for me on it, yes.”

A smile curves against his temple.  “Liar."  Two more raindrops fall from the shadow of a violet cloud above.  Tonbokiri is held so closely that he can only see Sengo’s collarbone, from how tightly he is held.  "Merciful Tonbokiri”–here, Sengo traces the Siddham on his chest–“he would never shed all that blood for anyone less than his old master.  Let alone for something like me.”

Merciful Tonbokiri.  He wants to be, he aspires to be, but.  He can’t remember what his nightmare was, but he can imagine.  His past has given a lot for his dreams to work with.  “If there is a price to pay to keep our lives together, to be paid in blood, at the cost of all I’ve shed and all you’ve shed, I would gladly give it all, straight from my own heart."  He guides Sengo’s finger from the Siddham to his heart beside it.  "If you’d have me.”

Sengo makes a choked noise.  His hand curls, his knuckles brush and must surely feel Tonbokiri’s pulse.  “So desperate to keep your own misfortunate life, and to make me change mine?”

“Only if it’d make you happy.”

“But how could I possibly be happy if we were living different lives?”

“I’d pay it all the same, if it’d make you happy in this one.”

“Huhuhu, sometimes, you can be a little slow, Tonbokiri."  Sengo pulls back so they can see each other, face-to-face.  There are tears rolling down so quickly they fall into his smile.  "I already am.”

Tonbokiri leans carefully up to place his mouth on Sengo’s.  Sengo freezes, one hand still on Tonbokiri’s shoulder, and the other helplessly pressed against his heart.  They are still so new at this, and Tonbokiri’s face turns as red as his hair and Sengo starts in surprise almost every time they’ve tried, between failed attempts where they bump noses and turn away, too flushed, before they’ve even gotten close enough.

They part reluctantly, but still so close.  Tonbokiri can taste tears on his lips, and he leans his forehead forward against Sengo’s.  Sengo’s lips are still parted, upturned.

“Sometimes …"  He frowns at himself, for breaking the silence–the ease.  For doing it so clumsily, instead of sharply and neatly like the spear he is should be able to do.  "Sometimes, it feels as if you aren’t.”

“As if I’m not …?”

“Happy.”

“Sometimes it feels as if you aren’t, either.”

“There is nothing to be concerned about."  But, at Sengo’s deadpan stare, he admits, "I … am.  More often than not.  Being here has helped.”

“That’s not fair, then; you’ve been here longer than I have,” Sengo accuses, biting his tongue playfully at Tonbokiri.  “Perhaps even this demon sword could learn to live a happy life if it stays here long enough.”

“Demon sword?” asks Tonbokiri with a laugh.  “I don’t think I know of that stranger.  I don’t think such a thing lives here, even.  The last person to come live with us was, hm, definitely a man, not a demon.  One of the kindest and gentlest I’ve ever met.”

“‘Kind and gentle’?  Are you certain that you and I are thinking of the same thing?”

“Well, I have met, and talked to, and experienced, and … loved Sengo Muramasa.  And I think that both he and I know who he is far better than any of those strangers who spread rumours of demons.  Even better than those voices who live in his head and try to convince him those lies are true.”

“'Loved,’” repeats Sengo quietly, in a strange, hoarse voice.

“Yes.  I haven’t much experience with it, but I think that’s it.”

“One shouldn’t tease, you know,” Sengo rushes to say, “or play jokes.  Not on this demon who is just learning to become a man.  That would be cruel even to a Muramasa.”

“I would never.  Isn’t it you who says I don’t understand humour very well?”

“And so what you say …”

“… I am always honest with you, Muramasa.”

Sengo laughs, a happy outburst.  There are still tears on his face.  Tonbokiri kisses him again, before he can think better of it.  Sengo’s hands cup his cheeks, and Tonbokiri wonders if he can feel his grin.

They are still so close, chest-to-chest, that when they pull away, Sengo murmurs again, “Your heart … it’s still so fast.”

“I told you; so long as I can see you, my heart races.”

“Then it would be best for me to turn off the light, or you’ll never get back to sleep.”

“That’s alright,” says Tonbokiri.  He looks to the window.  It’s still so dark outside.  But the shadows are hardly daunting when it is so bright in here with both of them.  “I think it would be okay for us to stay up just a little longer.”

#submission #unbelievable #unbelievable how raw and emotional

[whilejoysleeps]

24 august 2018

Happened to browse through an update from u on instagram just before going to bed.

The photo of you and your family on your sisters graduation. Just a glimpse at u could cause me to have a dream about you.

I’ve realized, even after these years, you still affect me a lot.

I wonder if it’s cause I still have feelings? Or am i just healing too slowly? Could all these be caused by the closure I did not get? The answers I did not receive? Will my heart ever heal from this episode.

Why .... why does it still affect me so much... I want to move on.... I wish I could forget. Sigh.

The waking up in disappointment and hurt was so real....

So... here’s what went down. The status was as is today.

You are single. Your ex was her and your ex ex was me.

& Im attached.

We all go to this gathering where it was the first time seeing in person ur ex. I’m assuming things were awkward between you both. I’m assuming that you guys had to break up for certain reasons. Maybe even cause of differences. I’m assuming that the break up was fresh and that you still had feelings for her. But I wanted to find out, if u also still had feelings for me, because of what we shared.

I really wanted to know if you loved her more than you loved me. This intention I could tell from my dream.

We were all in a room, I went up to approach her. Tho the person I approached did not look like ur real ex, the person I approached In my dream did not go by the name Mandy. Also did not go by the looks of Mandy. The person that represented Mandy in ur dreams was really friendly looking. Perhaps I had hé impression of the (terrace house new Philippine girl)

So we had our talks and she was admirable. At that moment I realize why u fell for her. And I lost all hate towards this person. I felt that this person did deserve you. And I dropped my anger and accepted the loss I had.. she then went on to catch up with her other friends while I went to approach u.

I casually said. ‘She’s lovely...’ and hé just smiled. The way he looked at her was as if they had to break up for a reason that they didn’t want. I could tell that it wasn’t an angry breakup like ours. But it was because of the years after. That I could speak to him again.

So I got to warm up to him and catch up a bit more

About his life. While I briefly shared about mine. Shortly after it was late and it was time to crash.

Somehow the area linked back to the jumbo apartment back in woodlands. I had to sleep with her in my brothers room while u slept in mine.

She soon fell asleep while I sneaked over to check on you. You weren’t asleep. You were awake and just browsing.

‘CAn i come in?’ ‘Yea sure’ as he naturally shifts himself to one side of the bed and signals me to come in.

I was a loser. I felt relieved that he was this friendly and welcoming. I felt that he was still nice. And deep down I know that really wanted to get close to him just cause I could. Or maybe I just wanted to find out if he could be closer to me or her after a break up. End of the day I just wanted to know if he loved me more.....

Was this dream series all triggered by the questions I have for him? Sigh.

(Anyway I missed out a situation earlier before we went to bed)

You me eddy were driving ... this drive took place in France. We had a driver and got lost. And somehow u remembered the route back to my place. Although we still ended up lost but not far from my place, I was pleased that you remembered this from this period. ‘Oh turn left here! I rmb this place, we walked back here after dinner before’ I was like yes! I rmb too! And we were both laughing ... in front of eddy who was witnessing everything but did not say a word. I can imagine what he must have felt. But the fact that he loves me and knows me so well he wanted me to have this moment :’(

Tbh wen probably only had the pure impression of the place not so much the memory parked behind the place. But even that made me happy inside. Is this why I was so in denial during my whole relationship? Was I such a loser sucker ? Was I loving too hard?! Sigh.

Ok so back to the bed. I laid next to him. Back against the wall. And told him I was surprised he knew the way back. He said it was just obvious. At this point he was just very objectively replying. And I couldn’t get into him. I felt like a stranger trying. It’s a familiar feeling. I also mentioned to him about eddy. I told him I was so happy at that point when we went back to a place we shared mêmories tgt but having eddy witness that must have been so hard. He agreed. He said it must have been hard for u. He was much softer by this point. I told him

That I am much happier now. And that I’m very blessed with this relationship. He takes such good care of me.

He knods. And is happy for me.

At this point as we talk , whatever wen was saying there was an echo. Someone was repeating the words from a distance. He got agitated and started to shout words, and the same voice repeated. Then I rmbed that these kind of things happen back at the jumbo. I was not comfortable in my own home. I’m more comfortable here in yishun.

Ok anyway wen went to the other side of the house towards the voice. He opened up the closet in the study room and found a scary looking Indian kid with huge eyes and ragged red tee shirt. The kid was shocked but at the same time smiling very creepily. And lept for the chute. And dissappeared. Wen was kind of grossed out and annoyed he stomped back into the room, I asked if he was alright, he said it was hot. So I helped turned on the aircon but it was not working. So I offered him to come over to our side. Where his ex was too. The bed was big. She was on the left I was supposed to be on the right. I was hoping that he would sleep on the right so id be in the middle to separate them but soon as he went in he slept right next to her.

She woke up. And asked what happened , ever so softly. He just burrowed his head into her while she sat up and comforted him.

It was a scene I did not want to look at at all. It hurt me looking at them being intimate. I had all these questions like . If things go wrong he’d look for her still instead of me.

Their relationship was short but did he love her more than he loved me over the 6 years. Does time not matter? Or was it the way the relationship was ended. She had it better ? Or was it cause I had a boyfriend now?

I DONT KNOW. I just really don’t know why I had this dream. Why did I have all these feelings attached. Why was the sernario liek this. Why was there so much assumption. Why did he seem to not acknowledge me. Why do I have to feel this hurt all over again.

That it was only me who felt the most out of our relationship. I yearned everything that she had. I built u up so that someone else could have u.

Maybe I’m just mad maybe I’m just jealous maybe I’m still hurting just cause I can’t get over it.

I don’t want to believe that I have still feelings. I really know that it’s just my heart that never got to heal.

I DONT NEED OR DESERVE THIS. I feel terrible. I feel terrible in my head and in my heart. I feel bad for eddy.