#also their are deffo way worse mothers out there

[the-winds-of-destiny-xxx]

.

#my siblings can get quite frustrated with mom because of her Caribbean parent ways #but idk #sometimes I feel hurt / get angry too but at the same time I forgive her #I made peace with her being human / flawed time ago #she’s literally just a product of her upbringing #also their are deffo way worse mothers out there #I realised that at uni when people would share their experiences with / relationships with their mothers (mostly black women) #when she loves she loves with her whole heart like me #and she’d sacrifice anything for any of us #her expression of love simply reflects how it was expressed to her by her mom aunties and grandmother

[oceanic316]

A very short analysis of all* the dads and daddy issues on lost

*Considering every character that was a main character

Daniel

Charles widmore- complete sociopath in many ways, only met Daniel when he was an adult to manipulate him into going to the island on which he would be killed by his mother which Charles witnessed

Boone

Split up with his mother at some point, was clearly left with a nanny frequently enough to kill her, definitely has unresolved issues with his dead stepfather as he fell in love with the stepsister

Miles,

Very obvious dad issues from being raised without him present. Did get to meet him but he was a bit of a dick tbh. I guess he did love him but too little too late

Michael

Little known about his dad but only his mum was looking after Walt off island. His role as a dad could be interpreted as daddy issues

Ana Lucia

Deffo has mommy issues but the lack of clear father figure points to possible daddy issues as does her time with Christian

Charlotte

Goes to shithole island to try to discover her father who was never there. Clearly has daddy issues regardless of her fathers (unknown) quality.

Frank

Has issues but there’s every chance they are NOT daddy issues. Good for him

Shannon

He’s dead and his widow is a terrible stepmother. Daddy issues up to here-may have contributed to her sleeping with her brother

Desmond

He had to raise his siblings so this points again to an absent (at the very least emotionally) father. Daddy issues

Eko

Had to raise his brother suggesting a largely absent father who wasn’t around much

Kate

Blew up her real father due to his general terribleness, her stepfather was in the army so probably has issues over him not being around all that much even though he seems like an alright guy

Jack

Jacks daddy issues regarding Christian are basically a main plot point of the show and even made it into the finale. Points to Christian for feeding into a lot of the characters daddy issues

Sawyer

Dear Mr Sawyer… probably the nastiest daddy issues, doesn’t really get much worse than murder suicide with your kid under the bed. All of sawyers bad bits are due to his daddy issues. Also has daddy issue ties to Christian and Anthony

Locke

Attempted murder was a pretty bad look from Anthony as was the kidney theft. Anthony traveled across the world giving kids daddy issues left right and centre, despite only Locke being shown as his biological kid

Ben

Skeletor was not a great dad and is a key reason captain bunny killer is so messed up. Also bens habit of adopting children (Ethan, Alex) is likely linked to his own crappy upbringing

Sayid

His dad the war hero gave him some toxic masculinity problems, sayid not killing a chicken is our only main clue but it was pretty dark

Libby

Like everything involving Libby’s past, her parents are a big mystery. She does have dead husband issues?

Sun

Mr Paik for sure messed Sun up. His treatment of Jin and his general murdery tendency affected sun not only as a child but also screwed up her marriage

Jin

Jins dad is the nicest guy on the list, but jin had intense daddy issues due to his shame and being raised by a single father.

Claire

Christian really putting it out of the park here! Being the result of an affair involving an American doctor cannot have been fun and his absence in her life probably didn’t help with her wanting to give Aaron up. Also may have contributed to her not trusting Charlie that much

Hurley

David Reyes is an asshole, but he’s a pretty run of the mill, leave my family and don’t come back til there’s money, but he made the most effort to fix things. Hugo has big daddy issues tho

Juliet

Pretty standard daddy issues but her parents divorce clearly stayed with her and led her into some pretty unhealthy relationships later on in life

Charlie

Charlie’s dad seems like quite a nice guy if I’m honest but his older brother messed him up enough I’m happy to say Charlie has something very close emotionally to daddy issues

Richard

Too much of an enigma for a strong analysis but imma go out on a limb and say yes

Bernard

I don’t think so?

Rose

She seems pretty well adjusted so I think no

Vincent

Everyone on the island has been his dad at some point- probably missed Walt his original dad a lot

#lost #lost tv #lost abc #lost show #daddy issues #Christian shepherd #jack shephard #john locke #kate austen #daniel faraday #boone carlyle #miles straume #desmond hume #james sawyer ford #hugo reyes

[anakinskywalkerog]

ello oli, tis i!

how are you? and ur doggo?

also i just started the gilmore girls and its GREAT although my mom hates lorelai so she wont watch it with which makes me very sad pwq

also a not-update on the machete boi:

i realized that it was the girl who came up to me asking if i liked him because she heard it that told him (this year, at least). i don't think she bit the bullet and said it the whole way, although - just our names and the word like in a sentence. maybe she asked him what he thought of me, or whatever. i even know how she knows, but im not faulting the person who told her

he deffo didnt take her very seriously like he took my bitchy friend last year thats fs

and she read a relatively (not really, i just talk about him without talking about him) simpy google doc of me (me simping for him without simping for him basically in case that didnt get thru) (dont ask how or why, long story) and she MaY or may not have told him? or worse, showed it to him

hopefully he didnt see it because theres some shit i wrote abt these other girls hes friends with and i wouldnt want him to see that

it would be a scandal

theres a chance he actually hasnt and knows nothing about this, and his staring at me has nothing to do with what i may have said, but rather the fact hes just a fuckboy who enjoys playing games

but always err on the side of caution

sadly no one else has appeared in my life yet but surely they will soon

ello sythe! i am good! doggo is good!! busy week but otherwise 👌

i have been watching gilmore girls too!! it’s one of my autumn shows. i’ve watched it many times, it’s so comforting

also, re: machete boy, NEVER put your unhinged thoughts down in a place like google docs. this is why women have kept diaries for hundreds of years. my unhinged teenage thoughts are still written down in diaries that i locked in this box 😂 that i believe is still in a closet at my mother’s house. i hope no one ever finds it lol

i still am in the camp of, “forget him and date someone else”—there are just so many boys in the world. find a cute one and ask him to hang out. it will get this boy off your mind and also, if he does think you like him, it’ll throw him off the scent/make you look cool.

i need to take my own advice and find a cute boy to date lol

#answered asks

[r0yalgrimmartz]

The absolute urge to make a Misao AU with my girlies like,,,

Kore is absolutely so like Aki Narukami and Hanae acts somewhat more like Misao Furukawa (despite how Hanae can act rather mean and selfish a few times).

Kore deffo like I mentioned will be someone who'll do anything for her friends, meaning she would do anything to appease Hanae to let Hanae rest easily and allow Hanae to move on. Even if that meant killing someone. Kore has no issue and doesn't seem fazed by it. She's the most loyal and dedicated person for those she considers as friends and cares for. Safe to say that Kore is definitely a strange individual. Even Kore is quick to point out other people's wrong doings (like how she is normally in the GX universe), but also like Aki, is quick to comfort those she sees who are upset.

Hanae in her og GX universe, already doesn't have much of a great life. Being abandoned by her neglectful mother and left in the care of her abusive uncle, Hanae is already dealt with the hand of misfortunes.

Also - tho I didn't intent on including the og GX cast but hey ho - Jaden radiates so much Akito Narukami vibes. He and Kore are both the most friendly and enthusiastic individuals, albeit weird, but like Akito, Jaden would hesitate with murder, unlike Kore who doesn't think twice. When it does come to Jaden committing acts of murder (like in game it the player played at Akito), Kore would be the one whispering in Jaden's ear to do it, almost like taking control of Jaden and doing it herself. Is Jaden happy with it? No, obviously not. But whatever it takes to let Hanae rest easily.

However I do think Hanae would be way worse than Misao when she's a spirit. Hanae would be so blinded and rage filled it would take such a long an agonisingly slow time to get Hanae to move on.

((After years of not touching the game and watching old playthroughts plus the definitive addition, I forgot how much I used to love the game. Also Aki is such a menace I adore her.))

#yugioh gx #my post #grimm's silly thoughts #ygo gx #oc #ocs #yugioh oc #yugioh #ygo #jaden yuki #judai yuki #mentioned #delving back into rpg horror fixation #don't be surprised if there is a Mad Father AU or The Witch's House Au #hell I'll even do an Ib AU if I am tempted

[apostate-in-an-alcove]

hello hello! Really sorry this ask is out of the blue but uhh. It’s the beginning of lent and so I’m a little in my feelings rn. I just wanted to ask as an ex-Christian like… do you ever feel a little stuck in-between?? This is worded so badly aaa but you know. Like as if you will never truly be free of the church despite it going against everything you stand for

Just for reference I was raised in A very weird household - my mother is a Latin Roman Catholic and my dad was an African Eastern Orthodox Catholic so even from youth I’ve always felt like I was stuck in some kind of limbo due to the conflicting views on dogma despite technically belonging to the same branch of christianity and it only got worse when my dad left his religion and my mother basically became an extremist. I never felt like I did enough for my religion and leaving to live in a more secular country for a few years really compounded on that and genuinely made me break down from the back to back crises of faith I was having on my own

now I feel sometimes like I don’t want to be religious. I deffo don’t want to be a Catholic of any kind at least, esp. considering the stances they take on my lifestyle (being queer, pro-choice, unwilling to get married or have children etc.) and I don’t like to pray or visit the church anymore, but I never want to call myself an atheist bc I still?? Kind of believe in some of the scripture I was taught growing up?? and mostly I won’t lie I feel lost without religion as a blanket. I think most of all I miss the community but that is fully blocked off from me now ever since I came out. I just…. I dunno. I wanted to talk to somebody about my crisis and to vent but I obviously don’t have anyone to do that with irl.

I’m really really sorry to be trauma dumping out of the blue btw but I just don’t know who I can realistically talk to and it’s been eating me up for a while now. More so bc of the season and being away from my family and from faith as a whole, and I really admire how open and forthcoming you are about your own experiences so wanted to do the same - if this is upsetting to you honestly don’t feel pressured to respond!! I just needed to get this off my chest. Also if nt already obvious this is Not an opportunity for Christians to proselytise, I’ve had enough of that to last a lifetime

No, I get what you're saying. It took me awhile to even label myself as an atheist because I was still attached to Catholicism and my theistic beliefs for a long time. And there's times where I do miss the community and security that came with that and the answers religion could provide. The loneliness is tough to deal with but it’ll take time to pass as you find more like-minded people and move on to greener pastures.

It certainly does feel like the Church will somehow always have its grubby hands on you in some way forever and this seems like a common thing when I talk to other ex Catholics (though this could certainly apply to other denominations and cults). There's work to be done in terms of deconstructing what we were taught in the Church and the Church ultimately has no authority over you and who you are and the life you wish to build. It'll just take time.

You don't have to leave Christianity or religion entirely though. There's plenty of ex Catholics who join other, more progressive denominations of Christianity or they move on to other religions and spiritual practices. I came to the conclusion of atheism after reevaluating my faith and religion and chose to deconvert, but I respect that that isn't the choice that everyone will make.

I'm sorry you're experiencing this Anon, it's rough. I wish you the best.

#anon ask #anon tag #ex catholic #sorry for the late reply

[mmmleckerlecker]

Character songs for HP big 3:

I was listening to Mother Mother, thought it would fit Felix, and then it spiraled from there. Thanks for coming to my TED Talk.

It’s Alright by Mother Mother and Creep by Radiohead for Felix

THIS MAN NEEDS THERAPY 😭 I feel like it represents his current state of mind. Especially after the last chapter, he thinks of himself as this awful monster that’s just going to spiral into something way way worse

Creep because the lyrics “I don’t care if it hurts, I want to have control” fits Felix SO much and the rest of the song highlights his unhealthy dependence on Benji, how he sees him as this idealized version in his head

Tired by Beabadoobee or Motion Sickness by Phoebe Bridgers for Benji

Tired because I think it depicts Benji’s thoughts last chapter fairly well. The lines “You haven’t felt right for days. Is it the fact you never say what comes in your mind that day.” and “You haven’t been good for long. Is it the sound of your own thoughts that always keeps you up at night? Maybe it’s time to say goodbye? ‘Cause I’m getting pretty f*cking tired.” stand out to me the most and made me change my decision from Me and My Husband (Mitski) to this.

Motion Sickness because the first line “I hate you for what you did and I miss you like a little kid” is so so perfect for Benji’s feelings about Felix.

House of Memories by Panic! At the Disco and Monster by dodie for Camille

I’m annotating these songs now, but the lines “I think of you from time to time, more than I thought I would. You were just to kind, and I was too young to know” fits Camille/Felix so much! Especially with her position in Epomis, Felix at the Facility, how she pretty much grew up around Felix and he was basically another brother to her…until she found out the truth years later.

Monster because her passion for Epomis and making a difference for prey society fits the narrative of this song. I can see her singing the lyrics to Felix, whom she basically is saying that she’s not the person she once was and she’ll do whatever it takes for Epomis

HI IM SORRY THIS TOOK ALMOST TWO WEEKS TO ANSWER. I just wanted to make sure I listened to all the songs a few times to get into them properly!! And also that I took the time to respond to each song in a satisfying way. (Rest of the answer under the cut cause it got long…)

Okay so “It’s Alright.” I know this artist but I didn’t know this song. Tbh I think it’s my favorite of the ones listed. It’s also one of the few you didn’t give a direct quote for but after listening to it…. I understand. You’d probably quote the whole song. You’re so right about it reflecting his state of mind. I imagine he’s like quoting it to himself to get him through the day

And “Creep”! This was like… one of two songs here I already knew lol. I was a little hesitant of this one since i feel like this song is sort of an overused anthem for Misunderstood Sad Boys but then! Your analysis of why it fit made me think about it and yes I can def see it. Especially the quote you gave. And ESP the line after that? “I want a perfect body, I want a perfect soul” like YEAH. I’m sure Felix WOULD appreciate having a body that didn’t crave killing people every day sjskdkdld. also ironic you mentioned this song cause I’ve been listening to the Tom Ellis cover a lot lately cause I’m Lucifer trash

For “Tired” I really liked this one. Slow and soft. I would say the quotes that seemed most relevant to me, but honestly I agree entirely with the ones you sent. And idk in general like I feel like the whole vibe matches Benji. The first time I listened, as soon as she started singing, I was like “yeah this seems about right.” (I also listened to “Me and My Husband” once or twice just to check out that vibe as well and I see it.)

Okay! I also liked the “Motion Sickness” one too! I has the same soft, slow vibe as “Tired” and idk if that was intentional, but I thought it was pretty neat. I deffo agree with your lyric choice! But also consider! “I'm on the outside looking through/ you're throwing rocks around your room/ and while you're bleeding on your back in the glass/ I'll be glad that I made it out and sorry that it all went down like it did” As Benji watching Felix basically make bad choice after bad choice and just digging himself into a deeper hole, and Benji being glad that he got out when he did even tho it wasn’t really a Good Ending the way it happened…. JUST A THOUGHT!!

For “House of Memories”… oho! I honestly never would have thought of this one. This is the only other song i knew beforehand and I love that whole album but I’ve never been particularly attached to this song, so this is a cool choice that made me listen more carefully. Thank you for the annotations because those lyrics match perfectly! I very much agree it fits Camille. (Also funnily enough this isn’t the first time someone has recommended for a playlist a Panic! song that I previously didn’t think much about. The other one was “Casual Affair” which I now also listen to much more closely.)

Okay so “Monster” I think was my second favorite. It has a certain vibe to it that’s like… happy sounding but also in a little Take No Shit type of way? Idk it’s just a Camille Vibe. I feel like I wouldn’t have connected it with her unless you hadn’t said it would be addressed specifically to Felix cause like…. yeah that checks. Now I just associate it with her wholly and my brain keeps imagining that’s how she would sound singing so THANK YOU FOR THIS (but like actually).

Okay there’s my little analysis of your songs! Thank you for sending them in. I liked them all! 🥰💕

#this whole thing was so thoughtful ;-; #I’m 💕💕💕 #again I’m sorry it took so long to answer v__v #asks #heart pangs

[pbaintthetb]

Deadset- Jiang Cheng

This is just because this man has so much complicated shit going on in his mind that is hard to get to even in his own pov because this man is king of repression, self denial and avoidance.

First things first, Deadset is not a JC redemption fic, if you don’t like him in canon you won’t like him here. He might come across as a bit nicer, because he likes NHS- he’s the closest thing he has to a friend left, and tbh it’s more JC thinks they could be friends and wants that than they actually are friends, but it means JC tries and reaches out and stuff.

JC still deffo tortured at least one or two cultivators, how long and to what extent he kept this up is down to you to decide. BUT I will say, he does only go after people who are said to be pieces of shit. That being said, GG/NHS is rumoured ot be a kid killer, so eh.

He’s very wary of being like his mother and yet his unhealthy coping mechanism is anger, so he tries to put it outwards but it still reflects onto his family. This kinda sounds like an excuse- it’s not meant to be BUT I want to say he would never hurt NHS (pre-reveal) or JL regardless of how angry he was.

JC worries about NHS and this is why he is angry at him. H’es both bitter that NHS is allowed to be lazy and soft, angry that the man doesn’t seem to care and angry at LXC & JGY for letting him be- because JC (correctly) fears it’s going to get him into trouble one day.

He’s too emotionally repressed to ever ask/tell NHS he wants to be friends and NHS both misses his outreaches or deliberately ignores them because NHS doesn’t/can’t form close attachments anymore. But this is things like JC not buying the dogs and tellign JL to keep Fairy away from NHS when NHS is at Lanling, inviting ihim on walks, trying to keep MXY away from him, understanding that Lanling is stressful for him etc.

JC thinks the golden ghost was WWX. Because only NHS or WWX would want to save him in his mind, and NHS is too weak. Also it makes sense with the slightly complex reputation the GG has (saving lan jrs etc., known connections to WWX) he’s not quite sure what to make of it, therefore when WWX crops up in MXY’s body. But he assumes it’s not WWX cos zidian doesn’t work and also he thinkgs GG is WWX

The bit you’ve been watiing for- NHS GG reveal

JC doesn’t know how to rationalise that the person who saved him and killed all those cultivators was NHS. Firstly because NHS hasn’t been weak all those years? But secondly because it was a pretty fucked up way to kill people and it confirms his biases that ghosts are inherently evil whereas he’s always thought of NSH as slightly untouched and safe and good.

Secondly gulit, for never noticing the man was dead. For not being there, for not protecting him etc.

really JC is having to very quickly reassess his opinion on ghosts, the Golden Ghost, and NHS all at once.

BUT as much as he respects and feels bad for NHS, there are things that the GG did he cannot accept- using JL as bait multiple times, manipulating MXY into committing suicide, and really just the sheer delight/fuckedupness of the way that NHS has killed people. Also there are rumours which influence his opoinon which aren’t exactly true.

He knows NHS is talking to him about that speech about demonic things not being evil, NHS had actually tried to talk to him about this when they were younger. BUT all this does is make JC shift his anger at the GG directly onto NHS because if it is not ghostliness making him evil, then it is NHS making himself evil-a nd to JC that is far worse.

Look, I don’t think JC burnt NHS’ body, originally I think he probably did, but possibly didn’t. Now I think it’s the other way around, but he certainly thinks about it. I have an extra planned where JC repeatedly goes to check on NHS’ body and consider burning it but not be able to bring himself to do it.

This shows up when NHS tells people he moved his body and JC calls him out on it and NHS is like..... wait- you mean you repeatedly choose not to burn my body????

#jiang cheng #fic #worldbuilding #au #mdzs #mdzs au #deadset #deadset meta

[theonetheycallhannah]

A Mage’s Beginning-Part One

Summary: Anathema of Velena is sent by the Brotherhood of Sorcerers to a kingdom already decimated by a mighty beast when she happens upon another. One who saves her life…as she saves his.

Pairing: Geralt/OFC (Anathema of Velena)

Word Count: 5k

Rating/Warnings: M for language, discussion of mature themes and situations, alcohol consumption, violence, and reflection on a particularly shitty childhood that could be triggering. Body image triggers. No smut for now. Also, warning that it’s stupid long and only half done! Wow! I’m super sorry! Anathema is kind of a long winded little witch.

Inspiration: Netflix’s The Witcher, that sweet, sweet Cavill bod, and the chocolatey crunch of his “Geralt voice!” (idk why, but that’s the imagery for me. Lol!) Also, Ana inspired by the badassness of Anya Chalotra as Yen, the powerful vulnerability of Anna Shaffer as Triss, and the poise and grace of MyAnna Brunning as Tissaia…I honestly can’t believe that the name Anathema is a total coincidence now. Especially considering that my name…is Hannah, a version of all of these. It just came to me as a cool name.

Author’s Note: Like most of my OFCs (and honestly, even EFCs), Anathema is loosely based on myself. She reacts how I feel I would (or sometimes hope I would) in her situation. For those of you who read “Shape of Her” you’ll know that I’m chubby. Anathema was, as well, before her transformation, and she talks about what it was like for her as a child and adolescent growing up. For me, this was a deeply personal thing to write about. I don’t usually talk about the effect my weight has always had and continues to have on my mental health. I’m very fortunate that, unlike Anathema, I have loving parents that have never treated me this way. But in an odd way, their “help” and concern for my physical health has created this sort of villainous aspect of them in my mind, and I suppose that comes out in Ana’s mother here. At any rate, I should probably go back to a counselor about it, but that’s tough during a pandemic and with my work hours. So I write about it, and I guess there ends up being a bit of validation for her/me when Geralt shows interest (and maybe takes that further in part two...no spoilers here!). Not that any of it’s completely healthy, but at least it’s kinda cathartic and fun in the moment if you don’t think too hard about it. I hope the monologue doesn’t bog you down and make you lose interest. If it does, just skip it. It won’t hurt my feelings.

Also, I’m sure my spells are total baloney compared to what’s in the books and deffo to what’s in the show. I just wanted to write something down to sort of show the power being expelled by Ana. These are probably way more Hogwarts than Aretuza! Lol!

Tag List: @sunflowersstan @mylittlepartofthegalaxy @mstgsmy @lareinedususpense @geekycanuck and @littlefreya (omg it let me tag you this time, Freya!) I didn’t tag some of you that I tagged before in Shape of Her, just because I didn’t know if that was something you wanted. (basically, if I didn’t get a concrete response one way or the other, or I wasn’t fairly sure you’d want a tag, I didn’t tag you. I still love all of you!) Please let me know if you want to be tagged or if you want me not to tag you in things! I will not be offended! Also, this is not smutty. It’s pre-smut. lol!

Anathema of Velena was a mage of little renown. Powerful enough, but nothing compared to someone such as Yennefer of Vengerberg. She had worked so hard at Aretuza and all Rectoress Tissaia de Vries could manage to tell her most days was “You could not organize a pair of gloves, Ana. How do you expect to be able to control chaos? I’m not even convinced you have any chaos in you.” She turned away, calling the five other girls out of the lightning tower, some of whom had ampules filled with crackling white light. The rest were in various states of injury from singes to limps. Anathema…well, she had nothing. The lightning didn’t come near her. She left the tower without a prize, but filled with shame, uninjured from the typical failed attempt. She didn’t know why it was worse, but it very much was.

It took her years to finally get over that day.

Her first assignment the brotherhood sent her on was, well, it hardly mattered now, because the city, the whole kingdom was now rent by some foul beast. She’d been sent to help. But had arrived too late. She heaved one of her deeper sighs. “Fuck.” She let out audibly. She’d have to make camp. For the third night. At least. Maybe it was the fifth. She wasn’t certain. But it seemed like too long. She dismounted her chestnut mare, Clove, and started to get her supplies down for her modest tent. Modest, meaning that it appeared modest to the casual observer.

Inside, however, when she’d cast her enchantments, it was almost like home, complete with a full bed, soaking tub, fireplace, table, chairs, and a lovely lounge with a settee and chaise. One of her favorite things about Magic was being able to pack heavy while still traveling light. She was even able to bring a small book collection.

She’d just finished setting everything up and was casting the necessary protective enchantments to the perimeter of her site when she heard a rustle in the bushes about twenty yards away. She attempted to remain calm, but was terrified. She carried only a small silver dagger and a steel short sword that she rubbed with a silver infused oil which she made when she came across good silver and decent tallow. It wore off, but the silver oiled blade was a good compromise when you couldn’t carry both silver and steel. What was she, a fucking Witcher? Anyway, she drew her dagger, but conjured a revelatory wall around her so she could see who or what was out there hunting her. She prayed it wasn’t a kikimore. Anything but a kikimore, she thought. Those shits gave her the creeps. Give her an iron toothed wyvern, or the king of dragons, himself. She could conjure in battle against the best of beasts born of magic, but those insects…no.

There came a keening howl unlike anything she’d ever heard. A drowning scream that almost sounded like it was coming from under the water. Then too many pairs of glowing green eyes started appearing from said bushes. They were horrifying lizard-fish people. And they were walking toward her camp. It would be all too soon that they would walk through the invisibility shield as she hadn’t been able to cast any deflective measures yet. They’d breach her camp in minutes if she didn’t act. She prepared to cast a fire spell on them, hoping that would work, when she heard a deep male voice behind her growl an order.

“Get down! Hide!” Pardon me? She thought. This guy didn’t know who he was dealing with.

It appeared though that she didn’t, either.

The voice had come from a very tall and amply muscled horseman. He wore no armor, only a dark linen tunic tucked into leather breeks, and tall black boots. All was weathered and smelled heavily of horse, ale, and sweat. He quickly dismounted in that way that some men do in which they swing their leg over the horse’s head instead of around the rear. This was the way that, even in her terror, made her feel an unfamiliar but pleasant stirring in the pit of her stomach.

His hair, which she had presumed blonde at first, she noted now to be silvery grey, and well past his shoulders. Maybe longer than her own. He grabbed a sword from the large sheath on his saddle and stalked toward the oncoming rabble of sodden predators.  

She thought…she might have been mistaken but she was fairly sure he’d grabbed a steel sword. Steel would not be very effective on these monsters, if she had sized them up right. She looked to his saddle, seeing the hilt of another blade there. She stepped toward it and slid it out to reveal that this was precisely what had happened. He’d grabbed the wrong weapon in his haste. Well. He was dead. She grabbed the silver sword, sheathing her dagger, and marching toward the scrum around the well-meaning muscle head.

“Selectum ignitus!” She chanted as she wrought her hand in the corresponding motion. This spell burned only victims she chose, leaving others unharmed. It had only stunned these creatures, but it was enough time to allow her would-be hero to catch a small break from his blunder. His thick neck was still in the spindly clutches of one of the largest fish men, apparently less susceptible to fire than the others. Ana stepped up behind him, and with the silver sword, sliced his head clean off at the neck.

“Here.” She said as she tossed him the weapon, the steel sword somewhere on the forest floor to be found later. “They’re waking back up.”

“Mmm.” He mumbled. Right. He was welcome. All this gratitude was just making her blush.

They fought well together, surprisingly. She with her magic and dagger, and he with his signs and sword. She could feel it when he cast them. She noticed him using Aard, so she started casting more similar spells herself. The skirmish was over in minutes. All of the beasts had fallen and she looked at her newfound comrade, both of them covered in blood and muck.

“That was…fun!” She said, in earnest.

“Hmm.” He responded. As if to say, sure, whatever, freak. And began hovering over the corpses, rummaging in his satchel.

“So…these handsome fellows. I’ve never come across them.” She waited a beat, hoping he’d just answer her, knowing that’s what she meant for him to do. Oh, okay. This wasn’t the kind of guy he was. Fair. “What are they?”

“Drowners. Bigger ones are called drowned dead. They come out of the nearby bodies of water.”

How nice. Surely she wouldn’t have any nightmares about that. She'd heard of drowners, as a coastal dweller, but had been fortunate enough to never see one. Until tonight.

“And…not that it’s my business, but…you’re doing what exactly?”

He sighed. “These remains have a lot of useful potion ingredients. I never waste a kill if I can help it. Ginatz’s Acid doesn’t grow on trees, does it?”

“No tree I’ve ever seen, no.” She laughed. He didn’t. Well. This guy would just be a barrel of fun, it seemed. But he did just try to save her life. She should attempt to repay him that kindness. Even if he failed a bit at first, she didn’t know what she would have done if he hadn’t been there.

“Hey, I have a few more spells to do before my camp is fortified for the night, but then I was going to have some dinner in my tent. I have plenty, if you’d like to join. As a thank you for helping me tonight.”

“Camp?”

“Tempora Portia.” She swept her arm down to create a window in the cloaking spell so he could see her camp in the clearing.

He saw the small tent, that looked as though barely two people could lie down in it, much less sit for a meal.

He eyed her warily. “I think you’ll be lucky enough to eat in there by yourself with just a bowl and a spoon.”

“Ever heard of not judging a book by its cover?” She asked. “Trust me. I have a plump pheasant, some really delicious herbs I got on the way here from Aretuza, and some lovely wine! I’ve been saving it until I got here to share with the court, but…” she looked sheepishly at the ruined city on the hillside. “You’re clearly the only surviving citizen, Sir….”

“Geralt. Just Geralt. I’m not a citizen. I was commissioned to come here, just as you were. Only I was sent by…the neighbors…to eliminate the threat before it reached them, too.”

“Right. Geralt. I’m Anathema of Velena. Nice to meet you, and thank you for saving my life tonight.”

“Anathema, thanks for saving mine. And I guess, I’ll take you up on dinner.”

~~~~~~

She told him to finish his scavenging, and cast a charm onto him and his horse, Roach, to allow them to enter through her custom enchantments.

When she was finished securing her campsite, she went inside her tent to clean up. She conjured lots of warm fragrant water into her copper tub. It would have been more relaxing had she not been covered in the muck of battle. The drowner guts were slimy like fish entrails on her skin and in her hair. She was fairly certain that she also had blood from both her own wounds and Geralt’s spattered across what skin had been exposed during the fight.

She reached for her sponge and a bar of soap that smelled of lilac, one of her favorites, and scrubbed until all of the muck, mud, and blood was gone from her skin and hair.

She felt a telltale shudder come from the perimeter of her camp, indicating that her would-be rescuer and his steed had stepped through them. She had put up sheer modesty curtains somewhat arbitrarily, but today she was glad for them. She had just stepped out of the tub and was fully naked when Geralt entered.

“Erm.” He cleared his throat simultaneously announcing his presence and asking if he could come in. She must applaud him for his excellent communication skills.

“Come on in, I’ll be right there.”

She donned a simple, modest wrap dress that went well beyond the duty of a bath robe and looked infinitely more chic, and piled her damp, dark hair into a messy coil high on her head.

“So glad you could join me. Did you get everything you wanted from the creatures?”

“Everything they could give me. Yes.”

“Good. Well, I’ve not started dinner yet, but it won’t be very long. Why don’t you have a bath? You look like you’ve been riding for weeks with no sleep and you’re caked in the muck of a dozen battles like the one we were just in. I’ll clean and mend your clothes, too.”

“I’m fine thank you.”

“Oh, please? You’ll enjoy dinner so much more if you’re not concerned with how you smell…plus my table isn’t so big that…I couldn’t smell you too.” She giggled. “So as a courtesy to your cook and table mate?”

She looked at him with her doe eyes. Maybe that would work. She loved helping people and making them feel better. She thought he was restraining a smirk. He complied with a grunt and a nod.

“Splendid. I’ll get you some wine, too. I love wine with a bath! Don’t you!?”

“That and silence.” Point taken. She’d let him relax.

He stood in the corner of the bathing alcove as she conjured bath water for him.

“Agua fragra fieretta.” she spoke, and the tub filled with steamy water that smelled like spearmint, cedar, and a hint of lavender. Her own had smelled so different. She hadn’t realized it seemed to change depending on who you were drawing the bath for, never having done so for anyone but herself.

She dug around for a sandalwood soap and a new sponge and set them out for him on the small side table.

“Here you are. I’ll be right back with your penis! I mean, woah. Sorry.” She had turned around at the wrong moment. She knew he’d been taking off his shirt when she was rummaging. But she assumed modesty would mandate that he wait for her to leave before removing his trousers. She had been mistaken. He stood there as naked as the day the midwife pulled him from his mother, hands on his hips just like it was the most blasé thing to ever happen.

“It’s fine. I don’t really think about being shy anymore. Sorry. My clothes are on that stool if you want them. Thanks.”

“Right, great. I’ll be right back with a towel and wine. That’s what I was going to say before. And yeah, then I’ll see what I can do for those clothes.”

She left, procured the wine and a towel, and hurried back, placing the cup audibly on the table so she didn’t have to speak to him. She was so embarrassed. She grabbed his clothes and sat them on the settee for later. She was somehow both glad and disappointed that he did not acknowledge her.

Now, she needed to work on dinner. She’d gotten a lovely pheasant this afternoon with her bow. She’d been gathering fragrant herbs of all kinds along her journey and had traded some of them at market for potatoes, carrots, garlic and pearl onions. She prepped the pheasant, stuffing it with the vegetables, herbs, and some salt and pepper, and rubbed it down on the outside with some olive oil and seasoning. She placed it in her camp oven to cook in the infused oil and its own juices, basting it every so often.

She magically cleaned and mended Geralt’s clothes and tried unsuccessfully not to think about the body that they covered. His arms were as thick as the average man’s legs and his legs were not unlike tree trunks, albeit much more shapely. His chest was monolithic with two great pecs and six well-defined abs. He was also perfectly hairy. No one would confuse him with a bear, but this was definitely no boy. No boy, at all. And Mother Melitele herself would weep at the sight of the cock on this man. Long. At least halfway down his thigh. She didn’t get that good a look, but she thought it was veiny. And it was definitely thick…although she couldn’t compare it to much. To anything, really. Not even the instruments used on her the day she ascended to her current state of perfection. She'd been given powerful herbs to sedate her until the transformation was complete.

She’d arrived at Aretuza a sluggish and overweight wallflower with tiny breasts. When she went over her desires for her new form with the “miracle worker” as she liked to call him, she asked him to upgrade her in every way he could, but to keep her eyes the same shade of green they’d always been. She’d felt that the eyes were too directly attached to the soul and to change them was going too far. The rest, however, was fair game.

And this was her first assignment since her ascension, so she hadn’t been anywhere but her home, which was an unforgiving place, and Aretuza. Little opportunity for romance had presented itself. And she wasn’t even sure how romance would go for her at this point. Were mages adored for their power? Beauty? Or who they were as people independent of those attributes? Was that all she was now? A beautiful magician? She suddenly felt a small pang of regret.

Her eyes shifted involuntarily now to the bath partition. Must have been the movement she caught out of the corner of her eye. Geralt was taking a drink of wine, a very long drink, and when he set the goblet back down, he leaned his head back with a contented sigh. She took the clothes back to the stool when she’d finished, smiled at the scarred, and incredibly heroic man before her, and popped away to finish dinner.

~~~~~~~

She busied herself setting the table with modest candles, and conjuring an extra setting for Geralt. She filled a pitcher with an “agua potum” spell and put her wine vessel out. As she was tabling the pheasant, her eye caught movement again in the “bath room.” Geralt had gotten out of the tub and was drying off. His back was no less impressive than his front and his ass was like a fresh, crisp apple. She’d always loved apples. In her dreamy haze, she'd come too close to the hot camp oven and burned her hand. She let out a whispered but audible “fuck” and brought her hand quickly to her mouth to cool the fire with saliva.

It helped a little, but not much. She continued to prepare as Geralt got dressed and he was out right as dinner was on, wine goblet in hand.

“Smells nice.” He complemented. She was shocked, but still in a lot of pain from the burn.

“It better be the best fucking thing I’ve eaten in ages to make it worth searing the skin off my finger here!” She put her hand to her mouth again, and brought it out, shaking it.

He sat his goblet on the table and went outside, all without a word. She was confused. Wondering how she could have offended him, but honestly, not really caring. She’d tried. She sat down. Exhausted. He came back in with the satchel he’d been wearing and packing with solutions from those corpses.

He walked around the table to kneel in front of her, held out his hand, and raised his eyebrow expectantly. She gave him her injured hand, extending her index finger to indicate the affected area.

“You know, I’ve seen men lose half their faces to fire. This isn’t so bad.” He rifled through the bag for a vial of clear oil with bits of purple floating in it.

“Did they live?” She asked, amused.

“A few.” He smirked, dabbing a small amount of the oil onto his index finger and applying it to hers.

Her relief was instant and evident on her face.

“Wow, that feels so much better. Thank you! What is that?”

“A simple infusion. Oil of lavender. Here.” He gave her the vial.

“Oh I couldn’t.”

“Take it. I make more all the time. It’s damn near free. I’ll show you how, too, so you're prepared for next time. It’s essential for a healer’s kit. Many uses.” These were more words than she’d heard him speak all together since they’d met. She decided not to remark upon it.

“Well thank you. I hope you’re hungry! I think the pheasant is ready to be torn!”

They filled their plates with juicy, savory sections of the bird and large chunks of the vegetables that had become pleasantly tender inside it. Thyme and rosemary, onion and garlic danced off the tongue, complimented by the salt and a dash of ground peppercorn for zest. For once, a meal tasted even better than it had smelled and she had forgotten the terror of the fight with the drowners, the pain of her burn, even the startling sight of the naked man in her tent, and relaxed into the pleasure of a delicious meal.

This is one of the reasons I was fat before, she told herself. And made sure she stopped eating before she'd filled herself to gluttony.

She noticed that her companion was eating…enthusiastically. She was on the verge of saying ravenously, but there was an element of refinement to it that forbade her from using the more savage descriptor. He seldom drank, and most rarely from his water cup.  He liked the wine, then. She liked this fellow. Quite a lot. He stabbed large portions onto his fork and put them easily into his wide mouth. But even though he took larger bites, he did take his time in chewing, savoring the succulent food. She appreciated this from him.

"You're going to have to finish the poor bird off. I'm stuffed." she patted her tummy, demure now, as it had never been in her recent memory.

"Hmm." he grunted in protest. This one she couldn't quite translate past general disagreement.

"What?" she prodded.

"We both know you didn't need any help taking down this bird alone. Even with the vegetables. It's all incredible, by the way. Best meal I've had in ages."

"First of all, thank you, I quite liked it too, and secondly, it's called restraint. Ever heard of it?" she sassed him back.

"I've heard of it, yes. Can't say we've ever crossed paths, though." he held her gaze as he drank deeply from his goblet. Was it suddenly warmer in the tent?

"Well, it might be a good idea to seek it out here and there." she said, hiding well the feathers he'd just ruffled. "Food and I have a volatile history. I have to show restraint or all of this is gone." she indicated her physical form. She hadn't truly intended to make him look at her, but he was. He was holding her in his gaze in a way that was utterly alien to her.

"Mmm." he grunted, as if to express his understanding.

"But enough about me. What about you? It's not every day I meet a witcher!"

His amber eyes met hers, inscrutable, but not pleased.

"You knew."

"Of course I knew. I have eyes and ears, and all kinds of senses working. And all of them caught wind of what you were the moment you dismounted your horse."

"And yet you helped me. Fought with me. Saved me."

"Why wouldn't I?"

"Most people don't want a witcher around. They'd prefer the monsters we kill. Even when we're summoned to communities, invited, we're a pariah until the job is done. We're seen as the…lesser evil."

"Tell me Geralt. Did you make the choice to become a witcher?"

"No."

"Do you think I made the choice to be a conduit?" This question, he didn't answer. She thought he may not know. She decided then to tell him her story. How she came to be a mage, and the hell she went through to get where she was.

"Do you know what my nickname was as a child? It wasn't anything cute, like a vegetable or fruit or a baked good, or even a cuddly little creature, no. No term of endearment would suit me. I was called 'Rat.' Because you see, as I mentioned, I have a complicated past where food is concerned, and this comes from my youth. When I would sneak into the pantries and steal food. My mother and the staff thought at first there was a large rat, or even a raccoon behind the lost inventory, for at first, I left behind traces and made a mess of things. But after a while, I got good. Covered my tracks. Then mother started blaming the staff. Beating them, then firing most of them. No one seemed to notice how fat I was getting. Me being the middle of five girls. Eldest two sisters already married off to wealthy business men from town and bringing the bratty little grandchildren around, the younger girls learning dance and music, and generally being full of charm. I was in the background. Until one night, mother found me. She was searching the pantry for a tonic for indigestion when she saw me burrowing, trying to hide between sacks of potatoes. She hauled me out and dove for a long wooden spoon on the worktop in the kitchen. She beat me bloody with that spoon. I couldn't sit and could hardly walk for days."

She took a drink from her goblet, fortifying her. She didn't tell this story often. In fact, she hadn’t told anyone but her best friend Codrick, the blacksmith's apprentice. And that had taken many years.

"She started giving me smaller portions at dinner. Insisting that I wouldn't find a husband in my current state and threatening to sell me to a brothel if I didn't marry in good time. I was nearly starving, but still not getting thin fast enough to satisfy her. She made me run around the perimeter of our grounds. If I wasn't back in time, she'd set our wild bull out after me. There were a few times I was nearly gored. But I kept sneaking into the cupboards late at night. They were locked now, but once I told Codrick what was happening, he helped me by forging me a spare key. She kept calling me 'Rat' which was interesting. As if the sneaking and stealing was the more deplorable side of me than my actual size. She never called me 'Pig.' Perhaps because at least pigs had a use. Pigs could be sold or slaughtered for food. Rats were just a nuisance. The last time she caught me, she hauled me into the kitchen and reached for her wooden spoon again. But this time, when she reared back to strike at me, the spoon had turned into a vicious raven. It squalled and flailed and she let go of it, shooing it away. But it didn't relent. It clawed and pecked at her head and face until her hair was patchy and ragged and her face was a bloody mess. One eye was completely gone, the other, likely to be lost. But she could see well enough to tell where the raven landed after it had left her alone. Right beside me, as if it was trying to calm my still quivering form."

"So that was your conduit moment?" Geralt asked, knowing the answer.

"Yes. Lady de Vries showed up at our door not a moment too soon. The Madame from the local brothel had just agreed to my mother's price. There was a rather tense moment where the money had already changed hands and Tissaia had to threaten both women with rather unpleasant repercussions. She was having me and there would be no arguments. Actually, though, the whole experience of being fought over gave me the confidence I needed to confess my true feelings to Codrick and kiss him before we left the town. I'd fancied him for years but never had the guts to tell him."

"I'm sure you have a point to telling me this life story of yours." Geralt said, patiently, but clearly ready for her to wrap it up.

"Right. Sorry. My point is, most of us that are born or imbued with magic have some story like this. I'm certain you're no different. I could go on with horrors at Aretuza, too, just like I'm sure you could with stories of…where was it you were trained? Kaer Morhen?"

He looked at her skeptically.

"Wolf amulet around your neck. School of the Wolf. I thought that was Kaer Morhen."

"Mmhmm." oh, a two syllable grunt. His vocabulary was proving vast.

"Why shun you over a life you didn't choose? And if I have a fucked up past too, and I'm still dealing with that trauma, what right would I have to dismiss you or consider you an unworthy brother in arms? Or dinner companion? Or maybe even travel companion? After all, we fought well together and we don't know what's out there laying waste to the countryside."

"Suppose you're right."

"About which part?" this always happened to her as someone who never shut up. She never knew whether "you're right" was a blanket statement covering an entire monologue, or just certain parts that someone wanted to subscribe to.

"The first part. I'm still not sure about traveling companions. Or mages, if I'm honest. No offense."

"None taken. If it makes you feel better, I'm still very new to being a mage. I don't have any bad mage habits. I'm not even that good of a mage. I had to hand assemble this tent before I spelled it."

"Well, you did a fine job." he chuckled. "It looked…sturdy, from the outside."

"That's what I was going for. And why don't you just…try me for this expedition. I'll sign a contract saying that it's not your fault if I die. Not that anyone would care. Plus, we'll live in luxury every night, and I can make anything taste delicious with bare minimum ingredients."

"Tempting, but won't it be a little…cozy with both of us in here?"

She looked at him, incredulous.

"Remember the part where I'm a mage?" she walked over to the sitting area and contorted her hands toward the wall. "Addendum Sanctorum."

She beckoned him through a new flap in the canvas to a modest, but still accommodating room with a large, plush bed, a few sturdy, simple chairs, a small table, and a bathing area of its own, complete with a stash of sponges, soaps, and towels.

"See? It may not be all of the comforts of home, but it's hardly roughing it compared to the alternative, am I wrong?" She turned to look at him, but he was much closer than she'd expected him to be. She looked directly up into that piercing amber gaze that was unlike any she'd seen before. And he looked so…dangerous. And yet she wasn't afraid. At least not primarily. What she was mostly feeling was desire. She wanted those strong, skilled hands to touch her. She wanted to be held. She hadn't been held since she was a child. And a very young one, at that. She could feel something mutual coursing between them. And that was the thing that terrified her. The thought that he might be hungry for her in that way. He ran his hand along the slope of her temple and cheek down to her chin.

"I don't recall saying I'd mind sharing a cozy space with you, Ana."

TBC in Part Two

#henry cavill #henry cavill fanfic #geralt #geralt of rivia #the witcher #netflix #netflix the witcher #geralt x ofc #geralt fanfic #geralt of rivia x ofc #smut to follow #i promise

[succygirl]

Got that massage! Didn't do much for my head (not immediately at least?) but apparently all the knots in my shoulders is actually a fuck ton of scar tissue and the masseuse asked me if I had been in a car accident! (Nope, my body just sucks!) She also felt something off about one of my neck vertebra and asked if I'd had an MRI of my neck ever. I should deffo talk to my doctor about getting one but I'm so tired of fighting with doctors to actually care about me

I have no idea why my neck and shoulders are like this but I suspect its probably compounded problems. When i was a baby being delivered one of the nurses saw i was coming out with my cord wrapped around my neck and SHOVED me back up and in my mother so they could do an emergency C-section. Never really had any problems with my neck growing up, got hit in the head A LOT from flying balls (i swear my head just attracted them) and got knocked over a good bit. I remember one small accident of someone bumping into the rear end of the van in like elementary school but I didn't even stop playing my gameboy while mom handled it. More recently (2 years ago is recent right? What even is time) rock climbing and belaying involved just a whole ton of neck movement until we got belaying glasses so we could just keep looking forward to look up. And the neck pain really only actually started after going to the chiropractor to get my hip adjusted as being super depressed and sedentary for 2 years caused all my leg/hip muscles to tighten up and pull my femur out of alignment. The chiropractor of course didnt just adjust my hip. Adjustments, foam rolling, and more exercise/less sitting has helped my hip but my neck has become the new problem. And at some point I asked she stop cracking my neck while still doing hip adjustments but I don't think that made anything better or worse honestly. But even before the neck adjustments I was having mild daily headaches. They're much worse since then.

They're not migraines as far as I know, though migraines do run in my family with my sister, aunt, and cousins all having them, they just feel like a lot of pressure and also cluster/icepick headaches of sharp stabbing to the eyes that switches sides at random. Nothing seems to trigger them really. Mostly I'm fine and head pain free (my knees also ache sometimes?) when i wake up in the morning though not always. And then, within a half hour of being awake and moving, the pain creeps up.

I keep this chart on my phone to make explaining my pain level easier to people who don't understand and because the 1-10 scale alone is meaningless to me. I'm at a 4-5 on my good days and try to only take pain killers when I'm approaching a 6 and have to do something like go to school or you know leave the house in any way. Sometimes a 9 will suddenly creep up on me and I'll try to go to do something and just be on the floor crying unable to even get myself pain killers. And the crying just makes it worse honestly. I try very very hard not to let that happen and pop painkillers everyday now even though I hate it and put it off as long as possible. And Excedrin is the only thing that actually works for me so far, nothing else touches my pain. But taking them everyday just leads to withdrawal headaches when i stop taking them, and the caffeine makes my bladder urgency worse and messes with my gut flora.

I'm just ranting at this point. Its probably my posture and doing literally no exercise that's making my neck bad. Im just so tired

#personal #succygirl speaks #delete later #tried to put a read more but mobile just isnt having it

[beepbeepliv]

ST rant (kind of an evil Billy rant idk)

so I’m kinda mad and just need to vent rn.

This was a rant about ST and lazy writing but it kinda morphed into a Billy rant which I’m ok with.

unpopular opinion but I feel like the Duffer brothers really slipped in Season 2 especially upon rewatching from the pilot till current episodes.

It’s full of unfinished story lines and seemingly unimportant character arguments and accidental homoerotic tension. Then hearing the news that Billy gets worse next season was like a kick in the gut bc they had set him up so well for redemption.

It mirrored the whole Asshole s1 Steve > amazing s2 mother of 5 Steve and I was so excited to see how the party could help Billy but if he gets any worse he and his actions will be indefensible and he’ll just morph into his father which is such an awful waste of potential and really upsets me greatly.

now don’t get me wrong I LOVED s2 and I’m in no way a professional critic but it felt like they jammed way too much in. with the mind flayer, D'art, Billy’s existence and El’s journey of self discovery it all felt like too much.

I feel like the whole thing with El and Kali should have been at the finale to set up for s3 because that one episode felt like a wierd filler when binge watching (this is deff just me nitpicking)

ALSO why was Max even in this season?? what did she add except a token girlfriend for one of the main characters (I liked her but fr did they just feel they needed another girl). she of all people had potential to help Billy who is being PSYCHICALLY ABUSED BY HIS FATHER

(to anyone who forgot and disregarded him as just a dickhead. like ik he’s a dick and I get where the antis are coming from but all of his dickish actions can be explained by his fear of and anger towards his dad. and that in no way justified his actions but I figured most people would be hoping he gets a chance to be better in s3 not just full on hate him bc he seems like he’s having a tough time but that’s just imo)

Max knows abt the abuse right? she has to. I avnt fully remember is she sees or hears but they live in the same house so she must…. know? she’s like 13/14 right. she’s past the age of ignorance. yet she also just disregards her brother as a dick even tho he gets beat on the daily bc of her actions. (not hating or antimax obvs she’s a little girl I don’t expect her to jump in from of her step fathers fists and ik Billy doesn’t really take well to her advice and is a dick but a simple ‘he’s going through a lot’ says a wholeeeee lot without needing to say very much at all)

Billy could be such a good addition to the party and use his anger and shit to desecrate demodogs like easy. like I can legit see him taking down 5 on his own and all the kids being like wtf… but no. we ain’t getting that apparently.

//and I HATED the fact that Will danced with that girl that called him zombie boy wtf. like if you’re an outcast/been bullied you shouldn’t just forgive it all bc a pretty girl wants to dance w u at prom (andwillisgayanyway) but I digress.//

I don’t know if I’ve made any sense but if they continue with this level of production value then s3 won’t be great and it will feature a Billy that didn’t get the help he needed and is a VILLAIN and I’m not sure if I can handle that bc I’m a weak bitchhh and I hate seeing villains that had the potential to be good bc it makes me lose faith in the world.

s1 was amazing. s2 was crowded. it’s like that cover of Perfect by Ed Sheeran and Queen B. I absolutely love them both and thought it would be my dream, but I prefer the original bc it didn’t gel like I thought it would.

lastly. and omg this is so long I apologise bit I saw a theory on Tumblr that speculated that Billy had powers. I feel like that’s not cannon bc the dudes said they wanted a human antagonist but if it is I hope y'all know that he’d deffo be a villain and El and Kali would have to whoop his ass. ✌🏾✌🏾

//in this vid the guy explains the sitch with a lot less emotion and a lot more clarity so maybe check him out >> https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=ZfD_sOJnn3c&feature=youtu.be //

(ps it’s late and I probably haven’t worded this as well as I should but I just wanted to get a few thoughts out)

#billy hargrove #stanger things #stranger things s2 #steve harrington #harringrove #anti billy hargrove #anti billy x steve #billy x steve #good billy #the duffer brothers #duffer brothers #stranger things s3 #stanger things spoilers #d'artagnan #the party #dunno what else to tag #like just my thoughts #rant #also i tagged the antis bc i feel like it regards them as well no hate pls #eleven #kali #babysitter steve #steve mother of five #mom steve #they gave us momma steve when we could have had gay dads harringrove :'(

[punkscowardschampions]

Nancy & Rio

Nancy: I can't believe you're going along with this craziness Nancy: Oh my god, Rio Rio: I know it's fast Rio: but really, what difference does it make Nancy: It's not just fast, it's rushed Nancy: Not to sound like my mother but he should literally be at school Rio: I did tell him to go back Rio: He just wants to help with all the mess here Nancy: By leaving to jet off and get married? Yeah okay Rio: Well, obviously that's different Rio: but that's for me Nancy: My parents are gonna kill him, you do know that, right? Rio: I know Rio: but like I said, everyone knew Rio: it wasn't just empty words, we were always going to go through with it Nancy: Jesus Nancy: When he'd graduated, sure Nancy: Not now Nancy: He's not even started uni yet Rio: Give him chance to see the world and change his mind Rio: I know that's what your family wants, it's alright Nancy: If you're thinking there's a chance of it too, don't marry him Nancy: You're already engaged, everyone knows he's with you Nancy: You don't need to prove he's locked down before freshers week, like Rio: That's not why we're doing this Rio: Or how I am Nancy: Explain it to me then, 'cause lord knows he hasn't Rio: It is getting a little old, like Rio: Because we want to be married Rio: How else is there to say it Nancy: But why can't you just wait? Rio: Why should we though? Nancy: There's only a million reasons Nancy: Namely you aren't kids anymore and know how to be mature about things Nancy: Everyone would wanna be there, not tacked on as an afterthought, like Nancy: He should want to not spend all my parents money on this and wait until he's earning his own Nancy: You don't even live together Nancy: Do I actually have to go on? Rio: No you don't Rio: none of you want to be there Rio: and your parents don't specify what he's gotta do with the ridiculous amount of money they throw at him so Rio: if they wanna now it's a bit late, isn't it Nancy: That's not true Nancy: You're being unfair Nancy: Give me some credit if not them, I've been nothing but supportive Rio: I'm not saying you've not accepted that it's happening Rio: most have but no one's happy about it and that's fine Rio: can't force it but why wouldn't we want to do it alone without the pressure and background thought of all your lots bullshit, you know Nancy: No, you're just saying I wouldn't wanna be there Nancy: I love you both Rio: We'll have another one Rio: Later, with everyone Nancy: That's not the same Nancy: That's just a party Rio: What, you're really invested in the religious ceremony now or the legality of it all? Rio: It'll be the same Nancy: You're gonna be a bitch to me right now, really? Nancy: Okay fine Rio: I'm not trying to be a bitch but really Rio: it isn't an argument, stick to your former points if you like Rio: but that ain't valid Nancy: Oh my god, Buster spends all this time acting like I don't care, basically telling me I don't and now when I'm trying to show that I do neither of you want it Rio: Because it only comes up whenever y'all want us to not do something Nancy: Don't lump me in with my parents Nancy: That's so rude Rio: Sorry Rio: We told you because you are different Rio: and we weren't going to just do it and give you no warning Nancy: But not different enough that you actually want me there Nancy: Or that you don't think I need to be warned like this is the worse news ever or something Rio: It's hardly personal, come on Rio: We don't want anyone there Nancy: It's personal to me Nancy: I've only got one brother Rio: He isn't dying Rio: This doesn't need to be the thing it's becoming Rio: plenty of couples do the official wedding before the reception and all that, it's not that different Nancy: Other couples don't matter to me Nancy: And I don't know how you don't get what a big deal this is, not only that you're getting married, which is one thing Nancy: But also that you're basically doing it in secret again Rio: It's not a secret Rio: it's just for us Rio: I want to do one thing for myself Rio: all due respect this isn't about any of you Nancy: I'm not trying to make you feel bad Nancy: Or take anything away from you Nancy: Honestly Nancy: I'm just trying to get my head around this Rio: Yeah Rio: It's okay Rio: I know it's sudden, like I said Nancy: I know he really wants this Nancy: I could tell Nancy: I just Nancy: Is anything ever gonna calm down with this family, or? Rio: Probably not Rio: Looking unlikely Nancy: If you're happy that's all I want Nancy: Oversimplified maybe but Rio: I know it's not going to make you happy Rio: I'm just trying to say Rio: do you have to be unhappy about it, like Rio: it's not the worst thing, yeah Nancy: I'm not unhappy, I was just shocked Nancy: This is my brother you're marrying, you know Nancy: It's not exactly typical of him Rio: I know Rio: I know it's weird, like I am aware Rio: but it just is, you know Nancy: I understand Nancy: You want what you want Nancy: You can't unwant it 'cause someone else tells you to or isn't happy about it Nancy: You shouldn't have to Nancy: You literally don't have to, like Rio: Yeah Rio: Pretty much Rio: I'm sorry Nancy: Don't apologize Nancy: I couldn't just not be gay when I was getting bullied for it Nancy: I'm glad I don't like boys, believe me Nancy: Buster's the happiest he's ever been, you did that. So don't be sorry Rio: I didn't mean for any of this to happen Rio: to like him, I just did Rio: but I can't live an apology when I don't feel it anymore Nancy: I know Nancy: You love each other, you don't get to control that Nancy: And its a good thing, even when it doesn't feel like it Nancy: Who wants to be alone? To fight against what they want? Nancy: You're happy so be it Rio: Thanks, Nance Rio: You know we love you too Nancy: I know you do Nancy: Jury's still out on him Rio: Nah Rio: He does Nancy: Today maybe Nancy: 'Cause I'm not gonna tell mum and ruin his life Rio: Least wait 'til we're outta the country Rio: wouldn't put it past her to get us on the no-fly list Nancy: I'm gonna let her see all his bragging on the socials instead Nancy: More fun that way Nancy: "Your classroom looks suspiciously tropical, Buster" Nancy: While Dad just hits him with "Cool pic" Rio: 😂 Rio: Gonna laugh whilst I can Nancy: Me too Nancy: On the plus side, I think you've taken the heat off me at least until I graduate, so thanks Rio: Easy Rio: if I live to cause more turmoil you're very welcome Rio: what are the hated daughter-in-laws for after-all Nancy: 😂 Nancy: Oh honey, once you're married in you're gonna wish she hated you Nancy: She's gonna get so invested in your life Nancy: Can't have you ruining his, after all Rio: I'll take it Rio: Didn't stick around for career's advice and I could do worse, like Nancy: True Nancy: I'm just basking in the joy of knowing it literally doesn't matter who I bring home Nancy: Oh the freedom Rio: 😏 Rio: Charming Nancy: You know what I mean Nancy: I could be fucking my therapist and it'd be sidelined by this Rio: Well Rio: are you Nancy: Gross Nancy: No Rio: That's alright then Nancy: But she constantly says I need to be single for a while, so she clearly wants me for herself Rio: Deffo Nancy: Like, excuse you, Diane, I've been single for 18 years near enough Nancy: 1 girlfriend, honey, we've talked about it, get with the program Rio: Basically a nun Rio: out here calling you a dirty jezzie Nancy: Yeah, I know Nancy: Thank god you're giving me time to find a date for the other wedding Nancy: Clearly I'll need it, or a new therapist Rio: If you're moving Diane in, then yeah Rio: Unprofessional Nancy: Lord Nancy: She is so not the one Nancy: I think I hate her? Is that meant to be a thing? Rio: Probably Rio: You're stubborn and she's essentially telling you what to do Nancy: It's even worse Nancy: She makes me tell myself 🙄 Rio: Yeah Rio: Smug, init Nancy: It really is Nancy: Ugh enough about me Nancy: When are you going? What are you wearing? Rio: Brazil Rio: and Christ knows, oddly I don't have a wedding dress just hanging about Rio: I'll find one there, I guess Nancy: The question was when, he told me where but he hadn't got that far Nancy: I think he thinks you're gonna call it off unless you've made it to the actual plane Nancy: Just don't get married in a white bikini, yeah? Rio: Oh, my bad Rio: Head is truly all over the place Rio: Well, I am that tacky Nancy: 😲 take that back right now Nancy: You are not Nancy: This isn't the mindset Rio: Do you wanna like, moodboard my shotgun wedding for me? 😂 Rio: That's what I'm hearing here Nancy: UM YES Nancy: Get some Chanel and YSL involved, like Rio: Noted Rio: Whether that's the old or new depends how skint we're feeling once we're there, clearly Nancy: It's got to be classic or I'm disowning you Nancy: I'll allow you to save the real designer labels for the big day, bit of Vera or whoever but I can only budge so far, sorry Nancy: The silhouette is still everything even if he's the only one seeing it Rio: 😂 Rio: That's what I'm saying, stick with the bikini Rio: He'll be blown away Nancy: 🙄🙄 Nancy: That's so disgustingly true as well Nancy: Men Rio: Oh please Rio: Like you wouldn't wanna see your wifey like that Nancy: I'm not getting married ever but if I did, that woman better dress up for me Nancy: Whole 9 yards Nancy: Did you see my mother's wedding dress? Iconic Rio: Hmm Rio: Maybe you're right Rio: Great, now I gotta stress about that Rio: Thanks bitch 😜 Nancy: I would say sorry but I'm not Nancy: You can wear a bikini any time, you'll be going for like a week + Nancy: Besides, he's the kind of boy who actually appreciates clothes Nancy: Labels anyway Rio: I blame you entirely Nancy: Not sorry, again Rio: You can explain my sudden cold feet to him then Nancy: Gladly Nancy: Me and him haven't argued in so long Rio: 😑 Nancy: It would get something back to normal, that's all I'm saying Rio: Who wants normal? Nancy: Um Nancy: Me Rio: Nah Rio: Only 'cos you ain't had it Rio: No fun, trust Nancy: Alright, Diane 2.0 😏 Rio: Don't get ideas Rio: I know you love me but Nancy: 😂 Nancy: Are we gonna have time to do a hen before you go or are you literally flying out when you close this convo? Rio: Who? Me, you and Indie Rio: That would be interesting Nancy: Well, just me and you then Rio: I don't actually know, I'll have to check Rio: I know we were planning for asap but might've given himself a day to pack Rio: you know how it is Nancy: Tell him he can come to the spa too, he'll make time for that Rio: Yeah? Rio: Alright, prep us for the long ass flight Nancy: He loves a facial as much as I do, more probably Nancy: Not to mention a massage Rio: 😏 Rio: Know I'm meant to be mature and everything but Rio: lmao Nancy: DO NOT Nancy: So gross Rio: You said it! Rio: I can't help that Nancy: And you know exactly how I meant it 😒 Nancy: Just 'cause neither of us should be in white dresses no need to disgust me, thanks Rio: 😂 Rio: I'm not sorry Nancy: Well, please change your mind on that Nancy: 'Cause I'm too gay and too related for this, like Rio: That doesn't work getting you out of family functions, it's not gonna work now, babe Nancy: So mean Nancy: Okay fine I'm too single for this Rio: Aww Rio: I don't think we should go to that kinda spa Rio: too weird even for me Nancy: Oh god Nancy: 🙈🙉 Rio: What are hen parties for? Rio: I see why you're so keen now Nancy: I've never been to one Nancy: Thankfully Ro didn't get that far Rio: Shame Rio: I'd have loved to get her a stripper Nancy: 😂 Nancy: Librarian or something Rio: Sexy Rio: Drew probably would've done it Rio: the actual horror Nancy: I just choked on my coffee Nancy: and I'm this close to throwing up Nancy: But it's helped me think of the best stripper for her Nancy: Jesus himself Nancy: Sexily removes crown of thorns Rio: STOP Rio: Nothing hotter than blasphemy Nancy: I WISH I COULD Nancy: Help me actual Jesus Rio: He ain't gon' save you now Rio: fully looking the other way Nancy: Turning that chiseled jaw line 💔 Rio: Gutted Rio: Yeah, you gay, but you're a fellow ginge Rio: no loyalty Nancy: No way he was ginger Nancy: Or that he looked as much like a woman as he does in the art Rio: You should be living for femme Jesus Nancy: I didn't say I wasn't Nancy: Just that it's unlikely Rio: If you wanna chat theology, hit up your auntie fr Nancy: No thanks Nancy: I've done enough babysitting of them both recently Rio: Fun Rio: I just can't wait for the 2 month update when she tells us about all the things Astrid can do Rio: like, blink, cry, shit Nancy: Don't Nancy: There'll be a newsletter Nancy: Why do you think I wanna come to brazil? I'm planning to stay away until the christening is a distant memory Nancy: She's been planning it since before the baby came out, I swear Rio: Gotta get into heaven, mama Rio: the christening dress, good lord Rio: at least she's a girl, the poor baby boys Nancy: Right? Nancy: She wants to approve my outfit too Nancy: Excuse me, who am I? When have I ever made a faux pas Rio: 😂 Unlucky Rio: No showing your knees in church, bitch Nancy: 😒 Nancy: Poor Diane, it's all she's heard about 'cause I'm furious Nancy: Like, I'm not even joking I've had to send her links of what I'm going buy and she's said no to several looks Rio: The cheek Rio: you can't dress code a christening Nancy: Do you see Buster sending her pics of suits, no you do not Nancy: Golden boy could turn up topless in speedos and she wouldn't care Rio: Fresh from Ipanema Rio: She's gonna be 💔 about this wedding forreal Nancy: At least her and mum can bond over it Nancy: Break their silence Nancy: 🙄 Rio: Yeah? Rio: I knew my mum said it'd been pretty quiet Nancy: Better than them screaming at each other Nancy: Astrid doesn't need that Rio: I guess Rio: Was never going to be a joyous time was it Nancy: Not really Nancy: I don't blame you for wanting to leave Rio: Not like I'm allowed 'round that drama anyway Rio: got enough, still Nancy: Yeah Rio: Ah well Nancy: Feel free to join me in therapy Nancy: Buster won't Rio: You're good Rio: Wouldn't know where to begin, like Nancy: It's not as if I did either Nancy: I still don't Rio: Does it help? Nancy: I don't know Nancy: It doesn't, not help, if that makes sense Nancy: Like, I don't feel any worse Nancy: So maybe? Rio: It ain't hurting at least Nancy: Yeah Nancy: And I'll take that Nancy: It's weirdly nice to have someone to talk to, who's not too busy to really listen Rio: Yeah Rio: It makes sense Rio: and someone who odds on has a chance of knowing what they're chatting Nancy: It does make you feel less crazy when they don't look at you like 😲😲😲 Rio: Can't teach that poker face in Psych 101 Nancy: I thought I had a good one but she's taken it well and truly up a notch Rio: I think about the bad things too much as is though, never mind setting aside time for that shit Nancy: Me too Nancy: I could not feel more self indulgent, believe me Rio: Nah Rio: I think it's a good thing Rio: I just don't want to Nancy: I get it Nancy: Most days I don't want to, still Nancy: If she'd just let me text her I'd never go, like Rio: You just want her personal number, babe Nancy: 😂 Nancy: I told you, she's not the one Rio: Whatever you say, honey Nancy: Shush, bitch Rio: 😂 Nancy: I've text my brother about the spa, if I don't hear back I'll assume he's already got you in the air Nancy: Or, you know, he's being a prick Rio: 👍 Rio: I'll confirm either with a plane selfie Rio: or lack of, obvs Rio: Can you like Rio: just keep an eye on Indie when we are gone Rio: you don't have to do anything but she was a bit gutted so Rio: Everyone else will be too but yeah Nancy: Sure Nancy: Do you want me to text you updates spy style or do you want blissful ignorance? Rio: Put it this way Rio: Unless it's an emergency I can sort from Brazil Rio: I don't really want disturbing Rio: but you know the drill actual, keep an eye, tell the olders if she needs nagging into coming home for tea Nancy: Gross but fair Nancy: Okay Rio: Come on Rio: It's my honeymoon, what do you think gonna happen Nancy: I know what will I just don't need to think about my brother being the one doing it to you or with you Nancy: Thanks Rio: Don't be blowing up my phone then babe 😘 Nancy: You wish Rio: You know Rio: Forever holding out hope Nancy: It's fine, we don't need to make it competitive, I'm better Rio: 😂 Rio: That's the spirit Nancy: It's less of a brag more of a fact, really Nancy: Not saying you should dump him and marry me but Rio: Well if that's not what you're saying, why are you saying it at all? Nancy: I'm just saying if you did you know you wouldn't regret it, babe 😏 Rio: I would when you leave me high n dry and 💔 Nancy: Rude Nancy: I would never Rio: Sure 😏 Rio: Say that now Nancy: You're breaking my heart now! The love is real Rio: What can I say? Rio: Can't even hypothetically do him like that Nancy: So cute Rio: Yeah yeah Nancy: I better text him again to find out what he's planning to wear Nancy: Be awkward now if he didn't put the effort in, like Rio: You can bond over it Rio: you 🤓s Nancy: Like you're too cool to care, yeah? Nancy: You love to look good, too Rio: This? Rio: So effortless, naturally Nancy: You can fool him with that, but not me Rio: Rude Nancy: Now you know how the slander feels Nancy: I'm off to cry over the one that got away, obviously 😏 Nancy: Doubting my devotion Rio: Now I know why I don't go out with women Rio: fuck you knowing all my secrets, no thanks Rio: but okay then, see you getting a facial or not 😜 Nancy: Nobody knows all mine Nancy: Work on your excuses for why we can't be together before I see you next, yeah? Rio: Diane's working on it Nancy: She wishes Nancy: I'm not planning on seeing her every week for the rest of my life Rio: 💔 Nancy: That's my reputation, amongst other things so Rio: Gotta keep up appearances, babe Rio: Lord knows we're letting the side down Nancy: Anything for you, my love Rio: 💘 Nancy: You can invite Indie to the spa too, I promise not to seduce her in the sauna or anything Rio: I should hope the fuck not Rio: Not just jealousy talking Nancy: I should hope not Nancy: But I just mean, don't not invite her on my account, you know Rio: Of course Rio: I dunno what she'd make of it but I'll defs invite her Nancy: We might make a convert of her Nancy: The gay agenda Rio: Truly Rio: I just hope your brother is bringing back food she can eat Nancy: He's lived with you guys long enough Nancy: Must have a clue by now Nancy: I know he's a man but he's one with a brain Rio: And tastes that range beyond Maccas but Rio: he does his best, bless him Nancy: 😂 Nancy: I won't tell him if you don't Nancy: Big enough head, like Rio: That I can manage to keep from him, like Rio: Probably Nancy: You went from definitely to maybe so fast I didn't even get to challenge it Nancy: Disgustingly cute Rio: Progress from just plain disgusting Rio: I'll take it Nancy: I mean, you'll always be in hetero hell but Rio: 😏 Rio: I promise, it's not that bad Nancy: um okay sure Nancy: Unlikely story Rio: 😂 Rio: Not gonna make you try it, it's alright Nancy: You couldn't Nancy: We're over the age of sitting around getting dared to kiss Rio: Sure, you're saying that tonight Nancy: I'm saying that every night if you're offering me a man Rio: Suit yaself, butch Nancy: I will Nancy: Your taste is questionable, babe Nancy: Buster McKenna, of all people Rio: I've done considerably worse but that makes the bit less funny so Rio: go off Nancy: Thanks for letting me have my moment there Rio: Gotta get that best man material out somehow Nancy: Oh god Nancy: Am I gonna have to make a speech? Rio: Say what you like Rio: your brother would never hate you that much Nancy: I'll take that Rio: Though if you get pissed Rio: no stopping you Nancy: 🤐 Rio: I hope so, bitch Nancy: I'll have a date to impress/behave for, won't I? So Rio: Good luck 'cos doubt the rest will be on same orders Rio: dread to think 🙄 Nancy: Lord, don't put off the fictional lady before I've even properly thought her up Rio: My bad, my bad Rio: we're all totally sane and respectable Nancy: The numbers alone is intimidating without having to consider any of the personalities attached Nancy: Actually gonna die alone Rio: Not saying keeping it in the family is the way forward but at least I don't have to introduce him Nancy: I just loled Nancy: Won't be explaining that one to my barista Nancy: No offense Rio: Sure the town's already said it's piece on this one Nancy: Undoubtedly Nancy: School is even more fun now, like Rio: Soz Nancy: You really sound it, babe Nancy: I don't care, its not as if I have friends here anyway Nancy: Other than in the family Rio: Well, they'll find a reason to chat shit on us regardless Rio: Always have Nancy: Yeah Nancy: It's no different from my old school other than the accents they use when they slag you off Rio: Basically Rio: It's all the same shit Rio: why you think I left Nancy: I hope that wasn't the only reason Rio: Well no Rio: 'Course not Rio: There was just no reason to be there Nancy: Like Chlo Nancy: Did Buster tell you she left? Rio: Yeah Rio: I'm not secretly pregnant with a baby that's taking it's time though Rio: just FYI Nancy: Me either Nancy: I only kissed her, I swear Nancy: He must be so relieved she's gone though Rio: Yeah, seriously Nancy: I can't believe her and James haven't broken up yet Nancy: I bet he's glad he doesn't have to see as much of her too Rio: Must be a record, right? Rio: Way they all bedhop Rio: Be gladder when the baby's here and he ain't tied to it 24/7 Nancy: 100% they are both cheating Nancy: Well, if anyone will have them Rio: Probably a little hard to pull when you're clearly heavily preggo Nancy: I have no idea how far along she even is Nancy: But the morals in that friendship circle, it wouldn't surprise me if his friends were still hooking up with her Rio: I'm not totally sure myself Rio: bit over half way, I feel? Rio: It's actually gross Rio: like we've all had crossovers but never on purpose like Rio: it's like a weird badge of honour or something idk Rio: posh people love swinging, facts Nancy: But you two are the ones being incestuous, okay Nancy: Everything they do is way grosser Nancy: Buster is well out of it, so thanks Rio: If nothing else Rio: Stopped the likes of Millie Tillie being your sis in law Nancy: Yeah Nancy: He could've been the one having a baby with Chloe Nancy: Imagine Nancy: But don't, 'cause NO Rio: Easily Rio: I try not to, yeah Nancy: Making myself shudder in public Nancy: Thank god he isn't that stupid Rio: She didn't really give him a choice either way Rio: you know he was out of it Nancy: Obviously, but he would have used a condom though that's like muscle memory to him at this point the amount of girls he's been with Rio: If it were that simple no one'd be getting pregnant, babe Nancy: None of his conquests have Nancy: I'll give him that Rio: Shh Rio: Harshing my vibe, babe Nancy: Sorry Rio: S'all good Nancy: You seem happy Nancy: All things considered Rio: I am Rio: with him, like Nancy: And he is too Nancy: I know Rio: Good Rio: What more can I ask for, like Nancy: I'm sorry if I was being a judgey bitch before Nancy: I'm not trying to channel my auntie, honestly Rio: You weren't Rio: like, you were but in a valid way considering Nancy: I'm just trying to look out for you both Nancy: It's weird in the middle Nancy: I know if it was me instead of you, you would too Nancy: But I can't stand in the way, I know that Nancy: And I don't really want to if it's what you both want Nancy: Which obviously Rio: I know that, I swear Rio: You haven't done anything I wouldn't Rio: There's no way to prove this is the right thing but time so Nancy: You'd go way harder than me Nancy: But yeah Rio: Taking it as a compliment Rio: regardless of how it was intended Nancy: It was meant as one Nancy: You're a bad bitch, you know I love that about you Rio: 💘 Rio: You know how to win me 'round Nancy: I'd hope so Nancy: I've been around you long enough Rio: Yeah, no one's accusing me of being mysterious Nancy: Me either, don't worry Rio: Oh to be afforded the luxury Nancy: Let's call it overrated Rio: Seems like a suitably bad bitch thing to do Rio: I'm alright w it Nancy: Good to know Nancy: 'Cause it's a thing now Nancy: We're running with it Rio: Oh, Buster's back Nancy: Tell the prick to text me back Rio: Will do, I'll direct quote you Rio: Better go though, don't wanna let my food go cold Nancy: Thanks Nancy: Yeah sure that's the reason Nancy: I'm gay not blind Rio: You said it, sister 😍 Nancy: I'm not saying he's hot, I'm saying you think so Nancy: Before you go there Nancy: Anyway go Rio: 💋

[gurguliare]

notes on the valar’s debate re: finwë and miriel because whatever i guess i’m a tolkien blog again suddenly

valar present: all the aratar minus oromë and varda, but plus vairë. apparent difficulty of getting all the valar in a room is very touchingly + frighteningly provisional government. i’m not surprised oromë skipped, mildly interested in varda’s absence since varda hallows the silmarils and that’s like, the most we see her interact with an elf ever, but apparently she wasn’t as concerned with fëanor’s parents. someone write me fëanor + varda fic that isn’t primarily or exclusively about how hallowing another person’s family jewels is Illegal, thank you.

Things I Am Interested In About The Debate Itself:

aulë argues that miriel’s death (or as he wants to frame it, fëanor’s birth) was direct action on eru’s part, and that it’s therefore a mistake to talk about it as connected to the marring of arda. i love aulë’s shitty partisan tunnel vision. characterization-wise my goal for him is always to invent a melkor parallel, so, uh, belief in absolute creative control, i guess? god can always tweak his machine.

ulmo shoots back that miriel’s death CAN’T be a [thing apart from the marring] because miriel’s death has had shitty, ruinous consequences of its own, namely, it made people sad, and eru “doth not of his prime motion impose grief upon them.” ulmo acknowledges that eru is the ultimate source of all crap, grief included, but basically rejects aulë’s concept of eru acting without intermediary in a way that causes deep harm. as always, ulmo + numenor depresses me, albeit i guess not many people were left alive to grieve. between ulmo’s stance here and his speech to tuor in “of the coming of tuor to gondolin,” i think we can go past “ulmo is a rogue agent” and say that ulmo is invested in an ideal eru who may not be the same as the eru who presently exists (or, atemporally, may not be the same as... every eru who exists?); ulmo in a pinch will guilt trip god, or to take sides when god contradicts itself---not, “the contradiction must also be eru’s will and it’s our limited perspective that makes it seem evil,” but “the things i know to be right in eru are the substance of eru that i accept; the rest is a wall to be broken down, not a burden we rationalize or reconcile ourselves to.” HEAL GOD HEAL GOD HEAL GOD ulmo is, of course, jewish.*

*caveat: i have no idea what i’m talking about

yavanna backs up ulmo, which is neat---yavanna compared to ulmo is less touchy-feely, less involved with humanoids in general, so it’s not an instant association for me, but yavanna ofc also makes one of the iconic appeals-on-behalf-of-creation, which reveals a possible flaw in the design and gets a special accommodation granted: ents! here her focus is more technical (aman isn’t beyond the reach of the marring generally, and who would know better than her; everything made of matter is affected by melkor), but in a way that reveals the solid grounding for her brand of protective ardor; she’s also an engineer, though one long since resigned to the messy randomness of creation and its collaborative basis.

nienna similarly goes pretty in-depth with a consideration of psychological as well as physical frailty; despite my jokes about nienna the neural network, she lays out a lot of theory here. ulmo gets shirty about, uh, weighting temporal creatures’ in-the-moment understanding of their own abilities above their real potential to endure; in passing he touches on the fact that the valar’s interference deffos made things worse (because miriel, given an ultimatum, of course doubled down on her decision). vairë says, no, miriel is just pigheaded. in my memory of the debate i had attributed some of nienna’s stuff to vairë---i actually don’t quite know what to make of vairë’s position, or rather, of what it adds, except that she takes nienna’s relatively external + patronizing take on fallible minds and argues instead for a kind of terrible accuracy of perception between elf souls that the valar can have no frame of reference for. (vairë and mandos in different ways both strike me as bizarrely prone to, idk, taking elves seriously---see also “If thraldom it be, thou canst not escape it,” which is brutal! but which accepts feanor’s skewed model in order to enter a dialogue with him, rather than talking over his head about how his perspective is delusional.)

i haven’t touched on manwë’s and mandos’s comments in the debate because both are interesting but fairly self-explanatory. “everything else you wrote here was self-explanatory” shh. AND NOW, onto my favorite parts of this stupid essay:

1) nienna gets the bright idea to just, stuff miriel back into her corpse, and takes it to mandos privately as though no one else needs to be consulted about this and as though all the prior objections to miriel’s reincarnation just Stopped Existing because LOOK, the body’s FINE, and i HAD THIS IDEA

2) after the rebellion they do exactly that. they just pop her back in.

Then the fëa of Míriel was released and came before Manwë and received his blessing; and she went then to Lorien and re-entered her body, and awoke again, as one that cometh out of a deep sleep; and she arose and her body was refreshed. But after she had stood in the twilight of Lorien a long while in thought, remembering her former life, and all the tidings that she had learned, her heart was still sad, and she had no desire to return to her own people. Therefore she went to the doors of the House of Vairë and prayed to be admitted; and this prayer was granted, although in that House none of the Living dwelt nor have others ever entered it in the body.

i love it. i love it so much. i love miriel standing and thinking, i love that having already had a kind of ecstatic ghost turnaround after talking to finwe, where she’s like, i will! i will come back to life!---coming back to life is still hard. she sobers up and her understanding changes again once she’s returned to the world; she gets so many pivots in two pages and it doesn’t feel silly or trivial, it feels amazing, because this is the woman who vairë thought would stay dead until the end of the world---i guess that’s the other big function of vairë’s bit, is it lets us take seriously the idea that miriel COULD have. she was feanor’s mother. and yet by some chance she relented, and it wasn’t like, break the old resolve, form a new one, follow that just as doggedly, it’s that she breaks the old resolve and ends up in this totally new, thoughtful, responsive mindset, In The Twilight Of Lorien, she has the freedom to find out and follow her own impulses at last, and if the impulse runs out she abandons it

and she gets what she wants!! although in that house none of the living dwelt nor have others ever entered it in body!

also, from when she’s still talking stuff over with finwë:

And when she learned of Finwë all that had befallen since her departure (for she had given no heed to, nor asked tidings, until then) she was greatly moved; and she said to Finwë in thought: ‘I erred in leaving thee and our son, or at least in not soon returning after brief repose; for had I done so he might have grown wiser. But the children of Indis shall redress his errors and therefore I am glad that they should have being, and Indis hath my love. How should I bear grudge against one who received what I rejected and cherished what I abandoned?’

so, 1) i suspect that ghosts’ mental processing is not exactly like living people’s, because regardless of how seriously depressed míriel was when she died, ‘had given no heed to, nor asked tidings’ is real hardcore, also i just want ghosts to not be very much like living people 2) GOD the thing about indis’s kids... i love....... the fucked up blowup of an ideal sibling relationship of mutual correction and help into this continent-wide, fairly miserable chase sequence. cleaning up after the dead. and yet miriel with the wide-angle view can’t help but see in it the seeds of what should have been and also something to be grateful for

living handmaiden miriel/ghost finwë who hovers over her shoulder while she’s weaving and asks “is that anime”/embittered single mom indis is the BEST THREESOME, qed*

*i proved nothing

#silmarillion #miriel #ulmo #aule #yavanna #nienna #feanor