#also would be weird to see how the move would be perceived IF she does do that | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

melminli · 4 months

Text

I Hate To Love You

pairing: young coriolanus snow x fem. reader

summery - coriolanus can't quite admit to himself what kind of feelings are actually hiding behind his strong hatred towards you.

word count: 2k+

contains: kinda enemies to lovers vibes, coriolanus having crazy thoughts, a bit misogyny/slutshaming, fruity reader, suggestive themes, obsessive/sassy coryo

part II

Coriolanus Snow was very aware of how charming he was - or of how charming he could be. He was well aware that he was perceived as very attractive by others, or rather that he was, and this made his rather shitty life a little bit better. At least as long as he could use it to his own advantage by distracting people with his pretty words and even prettier face from how depraved his actual thoughts were.

So, he would be a hypocrite if he said that this was the reason why you got on his nerves so incredibly. Although he didn't even care how it sounded by now, he loathed seeing you with your seductive nature - how you made others feel like they were special, unique - just because you enjoyed playing silly little games and your curiosity about what it would lead to was insatiable. Coriolanus was sure that you had some kind of gambling addiction. The way you played with other people's feelings for your own amusement, to observe their reactions and actions and to see if they would react the way you expected them to. You seemed to like it more when they didn't, which he couldn't really figure out why because what kind of gambler liked to lose? A looser, perhaps.

He, on the contrary, liked to read other people to know who they really were so he could better assess them and their actions. However, the problem with you was that he only knew that you were unpredictable.

His teeth clenched a little when he saw you at the outer gate of the academy. You were talking to some girl whose back was leaning against a pillar while she giggled and coyly wrapped a strand of hair around her finger. The way you snuggled up to her let him know what kind of words would come out of your mouth. Her parents must be really proud of her behavior. He finally decided to move from his spot and walk towards you, the girl noticing him sooner than you did as she was pulled from her reverie and looked up at him a little disappointed.

Realizing that her attention was no longer entirely on you, you also looked up at the person who interrupted you, only to be pleasantly surprised. "Oh. It's you, Snowy. Can I help you with anything?" You asked with a smile.

He had to restrain himself from correcting you about the stupid nickname. You really knew how to push his buttons, but he didn't want to come off as dainty by correcting you about it. Even if it bothered him immensely. "I need to talk to you about Highbottom's assignment." He addressed the first thing that popped into his head, as he had, in fact, shown up for no reason. You were put in a group together for that, so it should seem legitimate enough, even if the timing of bringing it up might be a little weird. His eyes glanced briefly at the girl you had been dealing with earlier. "In private." He then added.

A feigned sadness crossed your features. "I'm so sorry, Amelija. I hope you don't mind if we continue talking tomorrow. My friend here seems to need a little help." You said to her while holding her hand. Even with your apologetic tone, her disappointment remained. You leaned a little closer to her, even as she stubbornly avoided your gaze. "Or maybe I'll come over to your place tonight, huh? How does that sound?"

That seemed to cheer her up a bit again, and she said goodbye to you somewhat playfully, while Coriolanus, on the other hand, just got a sour look from her. He could live with that. He hadn't even memorized her name.

He spoke up again when you were both alone. "No wonder you haven't finished your share if you'd rather give your attention to some random girl." He accused you, trying to keep his distaste for your activities subtle.

You laughed lightly. This was the Coriolanus you knew and loved. "Would you prefer it if I gave my attention to - let's see - some random boy?" You replied as your fingers brushed against the collar of his uniform. You didn't wait for his answer and took your hand back as you took a step closer to him and looked him straight in the eyes. "I don't think so. You'd prefer it if my attention was on you, wouldn't you? And you are no random boy."

He grunted and rolled his eyes. "Don't be absurd. I don't care what you do in your spare time." He spoke out, lying to you as well as himself. As if he didn't like hearing you say that he was, in fact, not just a random boy. "It would just be well-intentioned advice from me if maybe you spent your time doing something more useful."

He was going to say at first that maybe you should focus more on school, but your family certainly had enough money to buy you your degree if it was necessary.

"Right. Thank you for thinking of my well-being so much, Snowy." You said, and Coriolanus felt like you were making fun of him. "I'll finish my share today, and you can read it tomorrow. I promise." You assured him, and a few seconds of silence passed as Coriolanus just watched you with slightly puckered eyes. He didn't seem to realize that it was his turn to say something. "Is there anything else?" You finally said, snapping him out of his rattling train of thought.

"Oh." He had to collect himself for a moment. I asked her about the assignment. This is about the assignment. "No. That was all." He said, annoyed with himself that he wasn't quick-witted enough.

You should stifle your grin, but you just couldn't help yourself, as usual. "Okay, then I'll slowly make my way home." You announced and couldn't help but let out a few last words to say goodbye, which is why you turned back to him after taking a few steps. "And next time you just feel like talking to me, just say so, I won't mind. Goodbye, Snowy!"

He ignored what you said. He had better things to do than talk to the bed partner of half the school. "Bye..."

You got on his nerves more than Sejanus sometimes. I hate her so much.

It was common knowledge to everyone that Coriolanus was not only the best in class but also the best student in the academy. Others were jealous of this because it was unfair that he was handsome, charming, and on top of that, an acedemic ace. What others didn't know, of course, was his material situation, but that would soon change, so it was better if everyone assumed that he was also lucky in terms of money.

There was only one subject where he was not considered the best, and that was philosophy. If it was up to Coriolanus, it was because their teacher was a piece of shit who, in his opinion, had the same value as a rebel with the topics he presented in class. He wouldn't even listen to anything the teacher said if it didn't affect his school career because he just didn't see the point in adding anything to his stupidly designed lessons where, for example, they were discussing the differences between a Capitol citizen and a District citizen. It was a stupid question to begin with since the answer was as clear as day. There was nothing to discuss.

As for the latter, you seemed to disagree with him. Because he was also lucky that his worst subject belonged to your area of expertise. According to Coriolanu's observations, you only made an effort in the subjects that could arouse your interest - which in his favor at least only applied to philosophy, as he had fortunately chosen music instead of art - and it made him a little angry at himself that this fact relieved him a little if he was being honest with himself. Because that would mean that he would see you as a potential threat, and you and him were definitely not on the same level.

"So, who really read the text I gave you as homework?" The philosophy teacher asked his class. Mr. Maximus was aware that his subject wasn't one of the most popular, but that wasn't really his problem. He rubbed his eyes in slight frustration as he had been listening to completely misinterpreted statements for half an hour. When he asked, all but two or three arms went up. Maximus asked again. "Okay. Who thinks they have understood what the text says?"

As expected, the number of hands in the air decreased drastically. After most of the students had already been told that they were wrong, most could conclude that they were wrong as well. Only three pairs of hands remained up, those of Coriolanus, Sejanus, and Clemensia. The former was surprised at your silent performance today, as you usually had so much to say. You were sitting further ahead to his right, which gave him a good view of your figure. He could see from the corner of his eye how you didn't seem to be fully present, even if you physically were.

Maximus was also not very pleased about your participation today. Between the students who were still willing to contribute to the topic, he didn't really feel that any of the three really understood the meaning of it. He would say that after a few years, he could judge his students quite well on the rightness of their answers. Snow and Plinth are two different poles, each far too convinced of their own position to consider the other. Dovecote is probably the closest, but she's more interested in getting good grades than the text, so I doubt that she actually understands. She's probably just gonna repeat what is written down in a fancy way.

His eyes turned to you as he straightened his glasses slightly and called your name. "What's with you? You read the text as well, didn't you?" He asked, taking the easy way out rather than dealing with any more false statements. He just wanted to get it over with instead of chewing on the same gum.

You were a little offended that you were suddenly standing in the spotlight, and for the first time, Coriolanus agreed with you - albeit inwardly - on something. He had raised his hand, and yet you were favored. He just couldn't believe it. It was like a slap in the face - he would have actually preferred that to this public humiliation.

"Yeah, I mean sort of." You finally said, as you only had the energy to look at the text half asleep yesterday. You adjusted your posture a little before returning to his question. "I think the author just wants to say that the difference between District and Capitol people lies solely in their upbringing and circumstances." You began and continued when you were not interrupted. "The biological disadvantage of District people is a myth and stems from the fact that District people are actually much weaker on average than those from the Capitol, but this is only because they also have a less varied diet on average, if they get enough to eat at all." You finished and then drew your conclusion. "So the Dark Days are proof that Capitol people also perform worse under other circumstances, let's say on the health scale, for example. You could say the difference is down to luck."

With that, Mr. Maximus ended the lesson by saying that hopefully everyone had listened carefully to what you said because you would be taking a test on it next week. Coriolanus had to swallow his pride as he looked at the notes he had taken when he heard your answer. I really have to stop caring about what she does. It's really not worth it. He thought to himself and looked up at you, who was talking to a group of other classmates. She's just another girl from my class who I just happened to loathe. Not that special at all.

But maybe that was the problem. Normally, he liked some people and disliked others. But at the end of the day, he didn't think about them if he didn't have to. They didn't cross his mind when he was getting a little hotter than usual alone in his room at night, in a state where his thoughts were the most clouded and he was only acting out of the urge to feel good. It wasn't any of them who he imagined, so it was these moments where it was the most obvious to him that his hatred for you were also strong feelings that could be considered something else as well.

I guess you could also say that the line between hate and love is on the same page for some - because sometimes there is no difference at all.

#coryo snow #young coriolanus snow #coriolanus snow #coriolanus x reader #x female y/n #x female reader #tbosas #the ballad of songbirds and snakes #hunger games #the hunger games #x reader #coriolanus x you #fanfiction #tom blyth #x you #enemies to lovers #coryo x reader #young coriolanus snow x reader #coriolanus snow x reader

233 notes · View notes

thatsatricky1 · 1 month

Text

𝐀𝐛𝐚𝐧𝐝𝐨𝐧𝐞𝐝 || ‘𝐃𝐨𝐯𝐞’ Chapter III

𝐒𝐲𝐧𝐨𝐩𝐬𝐢𝐬: Abandoned. After going through hell and back together, she was left there to fend for herself. Y/n felt as though they’d left her in the dust at the facility. A facility that had taken young gifted children raising them in secret. The eight of them had been taken as children and grown up together at the facility and just when it they had the chance of escaping they made one crucial mistake, leaving her behind in the dust. One big mistake they hadn’t forgiven themselves for, and she would make sure they’d never forget it.

𝐏𝐚𝐢𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐠: Nct Dream ot7 x Reader.

𝐆𝐞𝐧𝐫𝐞: Angst, Fluff, Mystery, Psychological, Supernatural, Thriller, Trauma, Weird Humor.

𝐖𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬: Angst, Abandonment, Tension, Trauma, Verbal fighting

𝐖𝐨𝐫𝐝 𝐜𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐭: 5,2k+

𝐃𝐢𝐬𝐜𝐥𝐚𝐢𝐦𝐞𝐫: This does not depict an accurate picture of Nct Dream and this is strictly fantasy/fiction for entertainment purposes.

It was like looking at a ghost from their past. Yet it wasn’t a ghost. Y/n was inside their apartment standing in front of them in the flesh. Her facial features the same besides a slight mature look to it.

Her once long natural coloured hair was now cut and dyded a mossy green. The opposite of what the facility allowed.

She also was no longer stuck wearing the facility uniform they’d all been forced to wear day in and day out. One that had no wrinkles or crinkles, always perfectly fitted to the person wearing it. The outfit she wore was foreign look to them on her since it was the first time they were seeing her in anything besides the uniform.

She wore a green tank top lined in white, an x white strap linking the bottom of it, paired with washed out grey blue ripped baggy jeans with white sneakers. Her midriff exposed something that wouldn't have been tolerated in the facility, but she was no longer there.

“Y/n. You…” Donghyuck being the first to speak yet he was at a loss for words. He’d been thinking of this moment since the day he’d left. The day he’d be able to speak to her again, yet all the words he’d thought over, couldn't, no wouldn’t escape his mouth.

“Nice to know you still remember my name.” Y/n hummed out disinterested, walking further into the living room but keeping her distance from the others who watched her closely, so close, thinking if they looked away she’d disappear.

“Oh by the way, you should really make sure to close your apartment door properly next time. You never know who could walk in.” She taunted lightly watching their reactions.

“You escaped.” Donghyuck finally forced words out of his mouth, a sharp inhale through the nose once her gaze landed slowly onto him. He’d hoped to see those warm inviting eyes once more but was met with a calculated stare instead. As if he was being perceived like a stranger, a danger.

“You mean the facility? Oh yeah, after the whole 31st of October thing I was on heavy lock down, around a year. First in isolation then in ward C. Even with the whole lock down thing I managed to get out after a year.” Y/n revealed her time back in the facility nonchalantly with a shrug, keeping her emotions in check.

“You were put in ward C?” Renjun asked, his face scrunching in worry at even the thought of her being located on that wing of the facility.

Wing C in the facility was the area with the strictest rules, punishments being thrown around for the slightest mistake and did not allow even an inch of freedom.

“That was the least of my worries.” Y/n managed to get out before looking off to the side to keep the memories at bay and away from her mind, trying to keep her body relaxed, composing herself.

“I escaped a year ago, been on the go since.” The boys shifted at her words knowing what that had felt like. It had taken them months of constantly moving to keep the facility off their back before they settled in Seoul.

“How did you-. How did you manage to escape?” Mark asked from where he sat, afraid to move and cause Y/n to retreat. As if dealing with a wounded animal.

“That’s a long winded answer that is none of your concern Mark. What’s with the matching outfits? Is it your guys thing? I mean back in the day we were practically forced to match.” Y/n sharply responded but diverted the conversation in favour of pointing out their accidental matching outfits.

Jisung shifted once again in his seat, swallowing even if his throat felt dry at the thought of the uniforms they’d worn back then. His mind reeling at remembering the feeling of the uniforms material that had hugged his body back then.

“Unintentional, we were in a rush after finding out our place had been broken into.” Mark replied truthfully, not entertaining her obvious jab at them. Knowing fully well the jab could have been a lot more pointed and harsh.

“Ah, I see. Sorry about the whole power box and lock thing. Well I guess the lobby too.” Her apology obviously held no true endearment.

“You did that?” Jaemin asked out, he knew it had been her but it also meant her abilities, the ones that were barely there when they’d left had most likely developed in their time away from her.

“Oh that’s nothing Jaemin, that’s just a sliver of what I’m capable of. Like I said beforehand I was in lock down, meaning I was being put to use every single moment that was deemed necessary.” Y/n answered yet her tone held no true emotion as if not needing them.

It was clear to everyone in the room the girl they’d left in the facility had changed. Developed. Most likely for the need to survive.

“You found us.” Chenle was the one to talk this time. Her gaze moved slowly away from Jaemin to land on him now, a tilt to her lips at his words.

“Of course, I’m surprised you’d choose to hide in plain sight. Somehow genius of you all but also quite stupid. Then again the facility doesn't know how you tick, how you all think.” She replied with her manicured fingers moving to tap at her temple in a motion to show how she’d found them. She’d remembered what they wanted, lusted to have once free.

“All that matters is that you got out, it’s all we wanted.” Donghyuck tried explaining how they all felt only to be met with a laugh from Y/n, who moved a hand to cover her mouth, the other holding her stomach as if she’d just heard the funniest joke come from his lips.

“I’m sorry I don’t think I heard you correctly. It’s all you wanted? If that were the case I would have been out of the facility more than a year.” Y/n glowered at Donghyuck who’s eyes widened at her behaviour.

“What? You expected me to go running into your arms Donghyuck, cry against your shoulder confessing how hard it was without you all? How much I missed you all?” Y/n berated them as she slowly moved forward until she was inches from him staring up at his face, close enough to count his familiar birthmarks. Making sure not to lose her temper like she had back at the lobby.

“I’m not here to rejoice with you about my freedom, I’m not here to rekindle our lost friendship, and I am certainly not here to join you in whatever fruitless effort you’re all making to live normal lives. There is nothing normal about us.” With each sentence she moved her hand closer until she dug her pointer finger against his chest, pressing into it.

Though her words were harsh, the feeling of her touch grounded him, having missed it. Swallowing down her words like it was sand, scratching its way down his throat.

“It was a hard decision to leave you there Y/n, but we couldn’t stay there.” Mark’s voice brought the two out of their stare down as her sharp gaze left Donghyuck in favor of burning through Mark’s.

“You think I wanted to stay there either? You know the fun part, I learned when you all left. The ironic part was that you’d left a minute before I got down to the entrance.” Y/n managed to hold back on snapping at Mark, in favor of revealing just how short their exit had been from her arrival.

Renjun held back a noise, guilt swirling through him at the realisation just how close they’d been to leaving with her. He’d been so focused on his pocket watch that day he hadn’t even thought for a moment to wait just one minute more. His flight had kicked in too fast.

The boys let the information sink in. The sick truth of just how close they’d been to seeing her that day, to leave with her. Mark letting his head drop slightly, hands squeezing shut at the fact he’d decided for the group to leave.

“It’s the past now Y/n, you have a whole new future ahead of you now. Here in Seoul… with us, like before but free.” Donghyuck snatched her attention again, his hand moving to wrap around her wrist gently where her perfectly manicured nail was still pressed against his chest. Warmth seeping through him at finally getting to touch her.

Though it didn’t last long as she tugged her hand away, his grasp slipped because of his gentle hold. Donghyuck holding back a wince at how she’d moved away as if his touch burned.

“Did you not understand my prior words? I’m not interested in rekindling whatever sort of friendship we once had, nor will I be here to play pretend on having some sort of normal life.” Y/n emphasizing her words to get it through Donghyuck’s head, who in turn shook his not wanting that.

“You can’t just drop our friendship Y/n not after all the years we spent together. You have a chance of a normal life now, please just try to understand that.” Donhyuck’s voice on the verge of sounding like a plea.

“Our friendship.” Y/n started to speak as she stepped back into his personal space “Was destroyed the day you left and didn’t look back, didn’t even try to come back for me.”

“I came here not to lead a life beside you all, I came back to get a look at the people I once trusted my life with, the ones who let my life crumble with one action.” Her words burned more than then if she’d used her ability to burn him where he stood, he would have preferred to get a third degree burn than hear her words.

“Please Y/n you have no idea about the regret and guilt we all feel. We know what we did was wrong. We always said it was us eight against the world until the very end, we meant that. Please stay.” Donghyuck begged, his lips quivering, eyes filled with unshed tears.

“If you truly felt guilty you would have come back for me. You didn’t. None of you did. And I naively waited day in and day out for that day to come. But if you really feel guilty I hope it festers in your souls ‘till you take your last breaths.”

“Y/n! Enough.” Mark protested at her choice of cruel words. This was not their Y/n.

Y/n stepped back from Donghyuck not bothering to pay Mark attention, there was a time she would have, she would have listened to him even if it meant diving off a cliff, but those times were long gone.

Donghyuck in a second of panic takes a step forward afraid she’d disappear once again. Y/n’s hand moved to push lightly against his chest, his hand trapping her wrist tighter than last time at her touch, yet she didn’t rip her hand away this time.

“I don’t ever want to see your faces again, my curiosity has been satisfied.” Y/n decided, Jeno standing up from the ground now in silent protest.

“You can’t leave.” Jaemin spoke from beside Jeno, still sat on the ground, eyes determined, entwined with his words.

“Quite hypocritical of you to say, is it not Jaemin? If I remember correctly you had no problem doing such a thing.” She bit back, yet her tone was neutral as if she’d come to terms with it a long time ago.

“Did you go to the beach?” The sudden question came out of nowhere causing Y/n’s composure to falter as she looked over at Jisung who stood up from the couch.

“Yes.” Her voice came out cautiously.

It was her second day of freedom from escaping the facility when she’d arrived at a random beach, something she’d longed for since the day she’d seen a video of one from the facility's old television. She remembered how the cold water felt brushing along her ankles, the smell of salt that later stung against her nose and the way the sand felt between her toes.

“Was it all you’d imagined it to be?” Jisung asked another question slowly walking over.

Y/n’s hard touch against Donghyuck’s chest softened as she thought about the beach, a look of longing crossing her face at the memory. Wishing she could experience the first time she’d gone to the beach again.

“And more.” She responded, her voice dropping to a whisper, a look of melancholy in her eyes.

“What was the best part?” Jisung continued his questioning as he gained pace nearly in front of her.

“Everything.” She breathed out, continuing “The wind pushing through my hair, the smell of salt, the sand that had been under my feet, the way the water flowed around me and the realisation I was no longer stuck.”

“How many times did you go?” Jisung pushed for further information gently, hand slowly rising to lightly brush against her elbow.

“Once.” Wrong question, unlucky for Jisung as it caused her to focus again as she stiffly continued “When you’re on the run you can’t afford to take the time for your wants just your needs.”

“You don’t have to run anymore, stay here, stay with us, with me.” He responded gently, his hand moved to hover over her waist but dared not to touch and intrude her personal space.

“You have no idea. The facility was up in chaos at losing all seven of you, yet with time you’ve become just a side mission to regain. But me? They’ll never stop looking. Escaping was freedom, but I’m never truly going to be free from them.” Her response hurt, it proved that she was still being searched for feverishly.

“We can still try.” Jisung rebutted, determined. Y/n letting a soft amused smile appear that didn’t quite reach her eyes as her free hand lifted to hover over his cheek. Jisung pushed his face against her palm, eyes fluttering shut finally feeling her familiar touch.

“I will try, but not with you all.” She answered bluntly, smiling, falling just like how her hand fell from Jisung’s face, his head tilting at the sudden disappearance of her soft hand.

“I want you all to feel it, what it feels like to have hope coursing through your veins only for it to be ripped out of your grasp and burned.” Her intentions were nothing but brutal yet justified.

Y/n moved her hand away from Donghyuck’s chest, his hand tugging at her wrist but she managed to break his grasp once again. Taking a step back.

“Don’t, Y/n. Don’t leave us.” Chenle who’d kept quiet this whole time spoke up, tears falling freely for anyone to see.

“It’s a little too late for me to leave you all, when your the ones who left me.”

With that she turned away from the seven men, intent on leaving with that but stilled open hearing the next words to come from behind her.

“I won’t let you leave like this.” His words sent an amused smile onto her lips, casting a glance over her shoulder.

“And how would you stop me? Your ability is useless in terms of trying to stop me from leaving, what are you going to do? Heal me?” Her words mocking Renjun who’d been the one to speak.

“Go back to watching your movie Renjun, go back to forgetting my existence that you all so easily were able to do the past two years.” Satisfied with her words she finally moved away from the living room. Renjun wondered how she had known the movie had been his choice, then again she seemed to always know those sorts of things even now.

The seven watched her fingers disappear down the hall, each wanting to follow after her yet it was as if they were glued to their spots, not able to chase after the one person they’d been so desperate to have back in their lives.

It was silent, Donghyuck and Jisung standing side by side while the others were still across the room. Everyone had to process what had just happened.

Jeno stood there, body stiff, muscles tensed as he watched her figure disappear, not being able to get a word out just like the crosswalk, it was happening all over again. Just as the last part of her turned the hallway corner his body snapped into motions running. His shoulder bumped into Jisung on his way, Donghyuck having to catch their younger off-balanced friend.

“Y/n!” Jeno yelled out in distress at losing her again, not knowing if he’d ever have the chance to see her again, to know she was okay, alive.

Rounding the corner still in a sprint only for the front door to click shut right in front of his face. Body slamming into the door messily having not slowed down.

Letting his head lean against the door for a split second, but this time he didn’t give in. He didn’t give up. Grabbing the door handle swinging it open almost violently, his eyes immediately found her figure walking down the apartment hallway.

Y/n leisurely clicked the button for the elevator, humming in satisfaction at the doors opening straight away for her, stepping in and clicking the ground floor without a second thought.

Her body leaned against the mirrored wall of the elevator as she watched the metal doors slowly close, just a gap left when two hands grabbed at the gap pushing against its weight. Body tensing as she figured out whose hands it was.

The elevator doors sensor automatically opens the metal doors revealing the person attempting to get in. Jeno.

“You can say you don’t want us, you can give up on us. But we aren’t giving up on you. I will forever regret leaving you that day, but that doesn’t mean I can’t try to make it up to you.” Jeno’s voice is full of determination, set in his ways.

“Either get into the elevator or leave, I have somewhere to be.” Y/n ignored his words, face hiding any emotion from his prying eyes.

Jeno’s jaw clenching at her unforgiving nature she’d developed. He knew he deserved it but he’d be stupid to let her walk away. To loss her a second and final time. Taking a second to breath he let his hands drop from the elevator doors to step inside.

Y/n tilting her head at his actions, watching him. Calculating his motives. He couldn’t help but let his mind wonder back to the days she looked at him with pure trust. Desperate for the day she’d look at him like that again, to see her eyes shine and twinkle.

“Where do you need to go? I’ll drive you there.” Jeno asked moving to stand next to her side by side.

Y/n holding back a laugh at this, moving her head slightly to be able to glance at Jeno who was already staring at her. She raised an eyebrow to show her amusement.

“You got your driver's license, how’s you manage that?” Y/n asked rhetorically not actually wanting to know.

“We went through a lot to get where we are, one of those things was driver's licenses. Though it took a while.” Jeno answered anyway before adding in “Where do you want me to drive you?”

“I don’t want you to drive me anywhere. You already know that.”

“And you know that I want to drive you to wherever you need to go, it’s safer than walking by yourself.” Jeno replied stubbornly.

“Don’t overstep Jeno, I will only warn you once.” Her response hurt but Jeno tried his best to ignore the pain in favour of watching her.

Their conversation had lasted the amount of time needed to get down to the ground floor, the elevator doors opening up at its slow leisure pace but Y/n had enough of a view to see what awaited them outside the elevator, a small tick of a smile on the corner of her lips.

Moving forward without a second though, Jeno having to process her actions seeing as the door hadn’t even fully opened. Y/n once the gap was open enough when through it and manicured gracefully through the small crowd that had formed to get into the elevator.

Jeno’s hand had flown upwards to grab at her, his fingertip brushing gently past her back, too far when she’d squeezed through the doors. Letting out a groan once the elevator doors opened fully, noticing the small crowd wondering what so many people were doing leaving work early on a Friday.

His body pushing forward moving through the crowd as his eyes scanned the apartment complex lobby managing to find Y/n by her green hair. Her head turned to send a smirk his way as she slipped out of the building.

Jeno pushed open the door five seconds later, the door not having closed properly as he’d caught up, hands flying to hold the back of his head as he realised she was nowhere in sight. Looking in all directions, sighing knowing fully well she was most likely watching him hidden away.

“I’ll find you, I’m going to prove to you that we need you, that you need us. Like it was supposed to be two years ago.” Jeno whispered to himself not wanting to draw attention to himself, anyone could be listening in.

Y/n knew it wasn’t a good idea to be in public, her emotions could snap at any moment. Abilities and high emotions never mixed well. It was the quickest way of losing control of her abilities yet her body moved as if on autopilot until she stood in front of a familiar store.

The Atiny Cafe.

Taking a deep breath in through her nose before releasing out her mouth slowly she regained her composure before grabbing the door handle and pushing her way inside, the bell ringing above her head just like the day before. Her gaze going upwards watching the vintage bell sway, distracted.

Yunho who’d been taking his apron off as his shift for the day ended looked up, a large puppy-like smile on his face noticing who’d shown up. Scrambling to tie his apron back around his waist.

“What are you doing? Weren’t you just telling me how glad you are that your shift is over?” San asked from where he leaned against the barista counter, the cherry red head wondering what had gotten into his friends head.

“What no I didn’t, go back in the break room and tie your apron properly, I’ll take one more customer.” Yuhno dismissed his friend and collegues words with a wave of his hand. Moving to check his hair in the window’s reflection before standing in front of the order counter.

San raised an eyebrow at his actions before looking over at the new customer who’d walked in before letting out a noise of realisation. He’d found out about the girl that had captured their second giant of their group's interest from Wooyoung.

“Oh the green haired chick is here that’s why.” He voiced out his thoughts causing him to earn a warning glare from his giant friends, causing San to hold his arms up in mock surrender before moving to go to the staff room.

“Hey Yuhno.” Her sudden sentence caused Yunho to nearly jump out of his skin, whipping his head around to face her having been distracted by San.

“You’re back! Uh, welcome back. What can I get you?” Yuhno’s smile turned soft, a warm and cozy atmosphere enveloping the two young adults.

“The same as yesterday but instead of the muffin, surprise me with something else.” Y/n replied relieved to finally get to think of something else today that didn’t include a certain seven guys.

“Sure, You can pay the same as yesterday.” Yunho replied as he started pressing her order into the system, taking her cash but before he could ask if she wanted the change back this time her manicured nail was already tapping on the tip jar.

“Right, I’ll bring it over when it’s ready.” Yunho explained like last time, having to hold back a fond look at her actions.

“Mm, does it include a chat again or is that an extra charge?” Y/n playfully asked, nails tapping against the counter absentmindedly.

“That’s free of charge, I’m feeling generous today.” Yuhno jokingly responded, finding it easy to be comfortable in her presence.

Y/n not replying this time instead she nodded, smile glued to her lips having not needed to force it this time as she turned to go to the booth she’d deemed to be her spot when visiting for the time being.

It hadn’t taken long for Yunho to go over to her table, placing her order down in front of her and slipping into the opposite side of the booth. Watching her take a sip of her drink first, finding it to be just as satisfying as the last time he’d watch her try his drinks.

“Can I know your name this time?” Yunho asked not even realising how bold his question had been until it had already slipped past his lips, ears reddening slightly.

Y/n sending him an amused smile past the rim of her cup. Setting it down she pondered over it allowing time to pass just to make him scrum a tiny bit.

“What’s your favourite type of bird?” Her out of place question caused Yunho to blink back at her.

“Pardon?”

“Your favourite bird. What is it?” She questioned again, her eyes shining, having fun.

“Doves, doves are my favourite type of bird.”

“What a surprising answer. You know doves stand for peace, love, new beginnings, fidelity, luck, prosperity and… freedom. It also is the bird that represents Aphrodite in Greek mythology or well in Roman mythology it’s Venus. There’s a lot more to them but I won’t ramble.” Y/n explained the meaning humans had put behind doves.

Yuhno listened, almost enamored by her words, her knowledge of the bird. Glad he’d chosen that one.

“How about this? You can call me dove, for now.” Y/n offered as she grabbed a cookie off her plate breaking it in half.

“Okay.” Yuhno nodded not minding the fact she had yet to give her name, the nickname was just as welcoming compared to not having anything to address her. But also because he couldn’t help but think the nickname suited her.

“Great, so Yuhno tell me how your shift went, maybe also why you are still working?” She asked while holding her hand out to give him one half of the cookie in her hand.

“Of course you noticed that.”

“I notice quite a lot of things, it’s just in my nature.”

Yunho moved to accept her offer, taking the piece of cookie while going into a terribly explained excuse of why he’d decided to work longer not wanting her to know it was because of her to begin with.

Y/n took her time walking back to her currently temporary residence. She’d decided to go to a hotel for once as she wasn’t going to be around for long. Hotels were more expensive and more likely to be looked into in their search for her. Usually she’d rent out a room somewhere for a while instead, but this time since it was a shorter time period than usual she’d decided against renting out a room.

Taking light steps towards the hotel she wasn’t as paranoid as she’d been attentive on her way there, not seeing anything suspicious in that time frame. Y/n made her way past the automatic doors into the lobby ignoring the plain and dull music they played over and over again.

Deciding to head straight to her room, taking the stairs instead of the elevator not wanting to be reminded of her latest conversation with a certain pink haired man. Getting to the fifth floor in no time and grabbing her key card from her jean pocket.

Getting inside, only letting her body relax properly when the door clicked shut, leaning against the door. She stared off into space in a daze replying the events that happened today.

It hadn’t gone like she wanted it to, she wasn’t exactly sure what she had wanted and would continue not to know. There had been so many things she’d wanted to say to each of them and all of them together but she couldn’t stand to be in the same room as them longer.

Y/n had to make peace with what she’d gotten in that little meeting they had instead, not wanting to do it ever again. Sliding down the door to give her legs a rest she wrapped her hands around herself as if to protect herself from the world, a habit she’d developed to make herself think she was safe.

With a groan, her head flew back gently knocking against the wooden door now very aware of the fact in her haste to leave the boys she’d forgotten her hoodie. Y/n had taken it off when she’d waited for them at their apartment having felt stuffy with it on. That hoodie was a good one too, oversized for fashion but mainly she’d bought it for comfort.

“I’ll get a new one some other time.” She muttered to herself, there was no point in crying about the hoodie she wouldn’t get back any time soon or ever.

Her eyes traveled over her hotel room, even though she had room service and cleaners the do not disturb sign was always placed on her door handle outside preferring to grab the food from outside the door and clean up after herself, untrusting of people being where she’d sleep. Making her bed was something burned into her mind since she was a child, it would feel wrong letting someone else do it anyway.

Her eyes stopped at the desk where a plastic bag sat, her lips twitched knowing what was inside it. She’d bought it after all. It was hair dye. A habit she’d developed as a way to continue moving by unnoticed, unfamiliar to those around her.

She’d already had the plastic bag sitting on the desk for two days now, having wanted to change her hair colour two weeks ago, not having gotten around to it. But this would be a welcoming distraction.

Later when the sky was dimming she stood in front of the desk hands untying the knot of the bag to pull out the dye. Scowling down at the colour choice now. A lot of bleach as she prior wanted to go for white, now her thoughts flew to a particular person who currently had said hair colour.

Shutting her eyes knowing fully well it would be a waste of time popping down to the convenient store at this time of night. She’d just go through with dying her hair white and lather on a different colour on top later on when there was time.

Not noticing the frost travel over her window as she walked past towards the bathroom to get started on doing her hair, knowing now was the time to do so as she would not be graced with sleep. All the while thinking of the seven people she didn’t want in her mind.

Chapter 2 || Chapter 3 || Chapter 4

𝐓𝐚𝐠𝐥𝐢𝐬𝐭: @rotinyzen @wonyoungmywife @snflwrhaerecs4u @thegreenlynx @serinebsblog @delululi @bubusebu @hanniehq @bunnychui @molensworld @morkiee

(If you want to be tagged in my Nct Dream writing comment, inbox or message me)

Thank you for reading I hope you enjoyed. Don’t forget likes, reblogs and comments are always encouraged and help keep writers like myself motivated to continue our stories.

𝐀𝐛𝐚𝐧𝐝𝐨𝐧𝐞𝐝 𝐌𝐚𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐥𝐢𝐬𝐭:

⤻ Click here.

𝐊𝐩𝐨𝐩 𝐌𝐚𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐥𝐢𝐬𝐭:

⤻ Click here.

95 notes · View notes

rippersz · 8 months

Text

The meat is cold.

«——..✞..——»

(DEAD DOVE DO NOT EAT) (Mentions of cannibalism, murder, slight glorification of both, etc.) (Larissa Weems x Reader oneshot)

«——..✞..——»

“She eats the hearts first, before they go bad— as all hearts will.” ~ Jessica D. Thompson

«——..✞..——»

“Are you going to eat me?”

You’ve asked her before but you repeat yourself anyway.

Larissa blinks. Long and slow. Sizing you up. Running her blue eyes over the length of your arms and stretch of your legs. Something flickers there. You briefly wonder if she’s questioning how fast you can run. You briefly wonder if she’s salivating over the thought of catching you.

“I didn’t plan on it, but now that I look at you closely, I think you want me to.”

You swallow.

She’s wrong, of course. She’s wrong. It’s just her own delusions. She thinks and perceives what she wants to think and perceive. Truth does not matter to a liar. The sweat on your palms says it all.

“I don’t.” Your voice is firm, but somehow it doesn’t feel like enough. Somehow it feels like-

“I don’t believe you.”

-like she won’t believe you.

“Why not?”

A weird heated pleasure fills you at the sight of her smirk. Red, curling, slight, full of undeniable mirth. She really does find you funny. She really does enjoy your time together; you’ve never doubted that.

But you should. You really should. You don’t want to be one of the sheep. You don’t want to play with the facade and finally accept her for what she is on the surface. You don’t want to know her as the school principal. You don’t want to die.

“Because you’re still here. And the door is unlocked.”

Yes. You knew that. She rarely locked it. Mainly because that wouldn’t be very professional, but also because she wanted to give others the option of leaving. Anxious or angry students, tired staff members, pleased parents… they could leave whenever they wished. You could leave whenever you wished. You could leave right now.

Then why aren’t you moving?

“Who is this?” You sniff, looking down at the plate in front of you, desperately trying to grasp for some control.

You agreed on dinner at some point. She took you up on it by surprise earlier that morning. The food, she said, was on her. The meal, cooked to perfection thanks to her skills, was supposed to be delicious. To anyone else, it would be. They’d have been nearly finished by now, praising her to the heavens and letting out little noises of appreciation. But you know what she is. And you know that you’ve never really been interested in eating people before.

“I don’t see why that matters,” is the smooth response you get - quickly followed by the clink of silverware and the cut of meat and the gentle hum of a woman satisfied. You can’t bring yourself to look up.

“…Did they deserve it?” You’re not sure of what else to ask - you just know that you don’t want to leave. You would never admit that out loud, never willingly, but it’s the truth. You are the killer’s favorite. You are safe. You are better than them.

“Doesn’t everyone deserve it at some point or another?” Her voice is light and airy- twinkling with a complete lack of care.

“No,” is your immediate sharp response. It sort of slips off of your tongue by accident, but when you look up to gauge her reaction, you’re surprised to see not even a hint of shock or anger. Instead, all that paints her eyes is intense recognition. Like she knew you’d say that. Like she knew you were a morally correct hero hiding a dark heart.

“No?” Her fork spears a piece of meat. ‘Sirloin,’ she’d said when you first sat down. Yeah, right. “Why do you say that?”

You fix her with a look. A very obvious look. A look with a tilt of your head. One that says ‘You and I aren’t the same Larissa, but you know exactly what I mean.’ One that says ‘Don’t ask questions you already know the answers to.’ One that says, secretly, ‘I don’t know. I just know that I’ve been told no good soul deserves death.’

Your mouth, on the other hand, says “Just because we all end up dying doesn’t mean we all deserve it. There are some amazing people out there that would have made the world better if they were still around.”

She seems to think over your serious response, rolling it around within her vast mind. While she formulates a suitable reply, her lips move with each chew of her steak - you try hard not to focus on that. When it comes to killers, good ones at least, there’s always that thing said about them: they’re charming; handsome or pretty; they’re alluring in a way that no “normal human” could be. Larissa Weems has never been the exception. She is no different. It can be disturbingly easy to get lost in the other things she has to offer. Like her beauty. Or her intelligence. Or the way her eye contact makes you feel like the most important, most recognizable, most wonderful thing in the entire world. You’d compare her to a drug but she is something worse than that. She is an aura. A feeling. She is something entirely different. You think it’s partly due to her outcast status. She’s not a ‘fur’ or a ‘fang’ or a ‘scale’ or a ‘stoner’. She’s not just regularly odd or eccentric. She’s not even mythical.

And yet?

And yet.

The very atoms in her body, the skin across her bones and veins and muscles, the makeup of her organs, can shift shape. Can adjust. The image is crafted in her mind and suddenly is mirrored onto her body. You’d never seen it in person, up close, but you know it’s true. You know it’s a wondrous thing to see. You know some sick desperate hungry part of you twists with the desire to watch her body become something entirely different. You know you want to see her in her element.

Whether it’s bloody or not.

“You either die a hero or live long enough to see yourself become the villain… I think that sums it up perfectly. The longer a person stays in good health, the more bitter they become. No one truly wants to live forever, Y/n. You know this…,” Larissa pauses, taking a moment to slip her long fingers under and around the belly of her wine glass so she can take a sip. You watch as her throat moves with a swallow. “…And those who go against nature and insist that they do want to live forever, that they’ll somehow find the world to be better as the years go on, well…,” blue eyes suddenly move to you, slicing into your gaze. “They’re liars, of course.”

Of course.

Liars. Of course.

You know it’s the truth.

You hate when she’s right.

You hate when she knows she’s right. There’s that playful little sign in her eyes, glowing with satisfaction, glowing like the cat who captured the mouse.

“I hate you.” It’s a small whisper. A little defeat. Another start to the same cycle. You indulge her, you meet with her, you keep her secret, you dip into your own psyche and pull out your weird fascination with her mind. You go at it until you find yourself becoming tired of thinking so much. Then you tell her you hate her. Or you yell at her. Or you storm out or slam the door or just fall silent and allow for the excitement to pitter out into nothing. But eventually, every time, at some point, you let it die.

Only to revive it again. Only to get lost, once more, in her beauty and allure. Her stupidly literal killer charm. Her strange instinctive ability to easily slip out of trouble and cover her tracks. Not that there were many tracks to cover in the first place. She’s very very good. Worryingly good. No one suspects a thing.

You could fix that, though.

You could put an end to her reign of terror.

You could say one word, provide one sample of one of her dinners, drop a hint or two, and she’d be placed behind bars faster than you could blink.

You could save so many people.

You can save so many people.

You can snatch up a piece of the cold meat on your plate, walk right out of her office, and race down to the Nevermore van. You can do it. You’re not terribly fast but adrenaline pushes the human limit. And though you’re not human- seeing as you can control fire- you’re not too keen on burning her alive. Such an act would probably result in Nevermore’s demise as well - and that would break your heart.

Would Larissa’s death break your heart?

You look up from your hands and study her face. There’s a sudden tiredness there. It’s small, minuscule, but the lines in her skin look deeper and the weariness in her gaze looks shinier and the mask, you realize, has slipped. She’s frowning- not a lot but just enough. And she’s not looking at you. Well, she is, but not into your eyes like she usually does. No, no, she’s staring at… at your chest. At your heart. You’re sure she doesn’t have X-ray vision but some part of you wonders if that’s what she’s trying so hard to see. Your pumping life. Your beating force. If it expands and contracts for her and her only… or if it breathes to destroy her. If any of her interest, her fascination, even matters in the first place. She’s never told you why you’re so special; so important; so cherished, but that doesn’t deter her from her advances. From her fluttered lashes or easy smiles or husky laughs or occasional indulging conversation. It’s not seduction at its finest, but stalking at its lowest. Like she’s watching you through the underbrush and you know she’s there and she knows that you know she’s there and you both stand still because maybe, by some miracle, if you don’t move, you can enjoy the silent attention of each other for just a little longer. Because you can’t help but think that maybe if she were more normal and more caring and didn’t enjoy the taste of long pork over the taste of regular pork, you’d be able to somehow fall in love with her. Start a life with her. And not have to worry about her waking up one day and deciding that she wants to prepare and plate your kidneys for supper.

Would Larissa’s death break your heart?

You hear her clear her throat. You watch as she takes another sip of wine. You see her hand shake. You see the appetite she once had perish on her tongue.

“I hate you,” you’d said.

Did you mean it?

Will you ever mean it?

Why are you doing this to yourself?

Why do you love her?

Why does she not see it?

“I know,” is Larissa’s final response. Something dies behind her eyes. “I know.”

And the cycle continues.

«——..✞..——»

A swift dive into some stranger fic topics. I figure if Larissa were to be a ‘baddie’, she’d be a cannibal. I may make this part of a little series of scenarios. Hope you’re all doing well. - Rip x

«——..✞..——»

315 notes · View notes

dahliadew · 1 year

Text

The Haunting of the Fortress of Solitude (dp x dc fanfic prompt)

So it finally happened he's been kidded out, well it was bound to happen eventually, from missing class to coming home way past curfew; Danny knows he's been freaking his parents out a lot recently. But he never thought it would come to this point, and it's not like there's a lot he could do about it; if he tells his parents about his ghostly after-school activities, then he runs the risk of being dissected, and it's not like he can go to Jazz or Vlad. One, jazz is finally away at college, and it's not like she has the money or space to house him, and it's not like he'd want to put that responsibility onto her, and two, Vlad is crazy, so he's out the right way. The only remaining option is Aunt Alicia. But he hadn't spoken to her in years, so it was a roll of the dice as to whether or not she'd help him.

So he's on his own in the middle of a heat wave with a core that's mostly made up of pure ice, well sometimes the most straightforward option is the best one, and he, like the dumb ass he is, flies down to the Antarctic, looking for a place to hang out for like a mouth. Or, at the very least, as long as it took to figure something better out.

On his way down how, ever, he found something weird and marvelous. A large, jagged crystal building that sang to his core. Stardust was embedded in the walls of the building, and ice trailed across the floors; it's almost like this building was put here for him specifically. And everything would be perfect if it wasn't for Superman showing up and killing the vibe.

So Danny does what he does best and becomes the best darn ghost that he can be to get his so hideout back. Later, he learns that this is actually Superman's (sorta) house, but well, gosh darn it, he's got squatters' rights, so if Superman wants him gone, he's going to haft to evict him himself.

Superman, however, has been having a bad time lately. Things at the daily planet have been tuff with his boss getting on him for missing meetings, Louis going on a two-week trip to Gotham to do a profile of the hottest man of the year three years running Bruce "Brucie" Wayne and to top it all off there something in the fortress of solitude. At first, he was worried that some animal had somehow gotten into the building, but he knew he would have seen it already. He's already looked over the whole building with X-ray vision, and other than a few bears roaming around the building; he hasn't been able to find anything.

But regardless, so far, not only have four of his super and regular suits been accosted in fine-grade glitter, but his minimal furniture is also moved just slightly to the left (including the central console THAT IS BOLTED TO THE FLOOR). Black voids have even started to engulf his vision when he enters certain building parts, with his vision only clearing when he emerges in different parts of the building than where he was before.

What Clark doesn't know is that the fortress itself is somewhat sentient, and with the arrival of what it perceives as another lost son of Krypton, it is more than happy to play with what it sees as a young child. Plus, the fortes thinks Ka-EL needs to let loose more often and playing with this child will help both destress him and help train the baby that showed up on its literal doorstep.

As for Superman, Ok, maybe it's gone beyond the scope of what he can deal with, but he's having a bad day, and he refuses to lose to whatever the heck is in his house. And he would have continued to do this if not for the fact strange portals opened periodically with otherworldly eyes and limbs reaching out and brushing against him as he walked through the halls. Ok, maybe it's time to call Batman.

So he does. He calls him, and you know damn well that he is polite about it, so there is no reason for Batman to hang up before continuing the call. (he knows B is laughing at him, even if B never laughs, he KNOWS). When he gets a hold of Batman again, it takes less than three minutes for the two of them to decide they need to get Constantine.

Once they finally get him into the building itself, it takes Batman virtually breathing down John's neck to keep him from running out the door, which is odd because as soon as the other two show up, everything seems to return to normal. That is until John starts to draw some seals along the floor then a voice rings out, crying, demanding that they stop. And it's here that, for the first time, Clark comes face to face with what he thinks is the ghost of a Kryptioian child. And things get confused further when Danny, not understanding the conversation entirely, plays into the ghost angle, thinking it will make them leave. But instead, Clark is both horrified and delighted that there is a child's ghost in his home, someone with a direct connection to his home world. As for Batman and John, they both realize they need to do something quickly; otherwise, Superman may have a heart attack. They do not need another ghost on their hands.

As time passes, the two end up sorting things out, even with Batman's paranoia and John's skepticism and end up living together both in Antarctica and Metropolis, with Danny flying between the two at his leisure. But eventually, Danny knows he needs to transform back into his human form, and with Superman constantly hanging around him, finding time to do that becomes complicated. So when he eventually does transform back in the midst of a battle with a powerful magical enemy, Superman, in shock, thinks that Dan-El has somehow come back to life but in a hybrid Kryptonian/human form. And so he, as the resident alien on Earth, takes it upon himself to try to teach him how to be human on Earth. Now Danny, on top of everything, has to pretend to be both an alien from a species he knows little to nothing about and also now act like a human who isn't supposed to know anything about being human. Well, that's just great, but at least he doesn't need to worry about paying rent anymore.

#superman #Danny Phantom #danny fenton #dp dc crossover #dc x dp #John Constantine #batman #dc prompt #dc crossover #danny phantom fanfic #fanfiction prompts #dcu prompts #this totally isn't me just putting john in all of my prompts because I'm obsessed with the snarky British man #fanfic prompt #Danny causing problems #Danny is the rat hiding in Clarks walls

522 notes · View notes

formosusiniquis · 2 months

Text

Lineage

Robin Buckley & Steve Harrington WC: 2173 | G | Day 4: Middle Names | AO3

“What are middle names for?” The question bubbles out of Steve as he takes in the picture of Michael J. Fox in Tiger Beat.

It’s the kind of question he thinks of a lot. The kind he’d normally bury in the back of his brain to ponder over on his own when sleep is a far off concept. But Robin is different. They’re so much a part of one another that Steve has stopped holding those questions in his own brain, realizing she likes to puzzle them out and tear them apart like he does.

Only Robin’s base of smarts is a little different, sometimes these questions he has actually get real answers.

He can feel Robin go still beneath him, his head on her shoulder just like hers is on his. With anyone else the position they’d found themselves in this afternoon would probably be uncomfortable. Sprawled out on his bed, technically back to back, Steve is using the bony knob of Robin’s shoulder to raise his head just enough that he doesn’t have to hold the magazine he’s reading up in the air. Robin has taken the top of the bed, her legs make an L where she has them stretched out against his bedroom wall, toes pointed toward the ceiling. Whatever book she’s been reading is propped up against her thighs, too far to actually read without using the binoculars Dustin left behind last week.

He flips another page in the magazine, content the way he always is with Robin, knowing that when she has finished puzzling out the order that she wants to respond to him in that she’ll speak. Steve thinks it’s probably to tell the difference between people. There are so many in the world, eventually you’re going to have two Tommy H.’s in a room and have to use that middle name.

Tommy Allen, the thought of spending two years of junior high and two and a half in high school calling Tommy that in public drags a little giggle from Steve. That would have made them losers of the highest order. Robin makes a noise that reminds Steve of Mrs. Johnson’s cat whenever he’d feed it for her when she was out of town, inquiring but also a little annoyed that you disturbed whatever it was doing before.

He shimmies his arm just enough that she knows he’ll explain it later. Once he figures out a good way to explain how much of being popular is being good at being perceived the right way. Tommy H’s can be popular, Tommy Allen’s get their slightly bucked teeth and bad laughs noticed. She isn’t going to like that, but Steve learned pretty quickly Robin doesn’t like a lot of things about how popularity actually works.

“I think,” Robin says slowly, she’s talking a little funny and Steve wonders now if she’s let the binoculars rest against her chin instead of just putting them down like a normal person. He could turn and look but figures all he’d actually see is the blurry, too close suggestion of Robin’s face. It’s better in his imagination.

“I think,” she repeats, in his head the binoculars wiggle down her chest a little further every time her mouth moves, “it's to continue the family line. That used to be a big thing you know, it’s why men didn’t want daughters because then the family name would die out. So you’d give your kid a middle name to help continue one of the old names from the family that was just going to die if you didn’t keep making your wife have more and more babies that she probably didn’t even want.”

“Oh like JR.”

“JR?”

“Yeah, you know JR. He’s that football player that graduated two years ago. His ears stuck out weird and he always seemed to have, like, a Rudolph zit on his nose.”

“You mean Mark Williams?” She shouts, incredulous.

“Sure, I think it was Mark. His dad was definitely Mr. Williams, but they had the same name so whenever they went anywhere he always called him JR. ‘Hey JR wouldja get that for me.’ ‘If you ever wanna go pro, JR, you’re going to have to learn how to take a tackle.’”

Robin is in fits beside him, the impression is terrible but it’s also exactly what the guy used to sound like gruff but also whistley somehow.

“Wait, wait,” the bed shakes as she adjusts herself, he can feel the weird shape of her ear and the uncomfortable poke of her earrings in the cradle of his arm. “What’s your middle name?”

“You mean you didn’t see it when you rifled through my employee file to find my birthday and social security number?”

“I was looking for important information.”

“So you could steal my identity.”

“So I could make fun of you less on your birthday if it was in the summer or maybe just take the whole day off so I didn’t have to deal with the cavalcade of pretty blondes coming in to fawn over Steve Harrington, real adult man.”

“Ew, the worst way anyone has ever described me. You make it sound like I’m some kind of pervert.”

“They would want you to be,” Robin agrees, “I think it would be part of the appeal.”

“Richard.”

“Theodore.”

“No, dingus,” he relishes the moment that he gets to turn her favorite pet name against her, “my middle name is Richard.”

Robin takes that new information and digests it for at least thirty seconds, but that’s just a guess since she’s laying on the arm that has his watch on it. “Stephan Richard Harrington,” she tries out.

“The one and only.”

“It feels like there should be a number at the end. Stephan Richard Harrington the Sixth, best of his line.”

Maybe if he were a Sixth he’d like it a little better, he thinks. “No, it’s like what you said, continuing family names? Mom named me after her brother that died in the war, and Dad hated that or him or probably both knowing him so I got stuck with Richard so he could be included.”

“Robin Marie Buckley,” Robin offers in exchange.

“Ew.”

“I didn’t ew yours even though it makes you sound like a fancy little rich boy.”

“I am a fancy little rich boy,” Steve says, flipping the front of his hair with a half assed toss of his head, “you’re lying here in my ivory tower.”

“I think ivory towers have less blue plaid.”

“I like the blue plaid, it makes hanging things up easy. I’m sorry we can’t all have this season’s Laura Ashley-”

Robin is, unfortunately, at the perfect angle to punch him directly in the chest. “My parents did that to surprise me when I came back from bandcamp two years ago so I could have a more mature room as a high schooler.”

For all that it’s worth he tries not to sound mean when he snorts, the Buckleys are nice and mostly well meaning or at least they have been every time he’s visited. “And they somehow missed the dresser covered in spiky bracelets and the closet full of grandpa suspenders while they were in there.”

“They mean well,” Robin unintentionally echoes Steve’s own earlier thoughts. “They just don’t… really get me.” Her voice trails off, a little lost, and he hates himself for being the person who made Robin feel like that.

“We should change our names.”

“What and go on the lam?” Robin asks.

“We can, but I don’t think any lambs, sheep, or goats need to be involved.”

Steve sits up in bed, forcing Robin to do the same as he pulls his arm out from under her head. It only takes a quick spin before he’s facing her, grabs her arms so she can’t pull away from how totally and completely serious he’s being. “It’s like you said, it’s about family right?” He says, “You’re more family to me than my douchebag dad has ever been so why do I have to be stuck with his name when I could be Stephan Robert.”

“Not Robin?”

“Don’t wanna make it too obvious, and Robin Stephan probably wouldn’t fly at the name changing place.”

“Robin Stephanie,” she tries slowly.

“I mean obviously if I were a girl I’d go by Stevie,” he jokes.

“We can’t just change our names!” Robin says, she doesn’t sound like she believes it though so Steve is pretty sure he’s winning.

“Why can’t we, people do it all the time, I bet it’s super easy.”

“When they get married! Or like adopted. People don’t just change their names on a Tuesday because they feel like it!”

He tries to give that the thought that it deserves, but he mostly just feels like Robin is making excuses because she’s scared. Maybe it’s the leftover fear from Starcourt bubbling out in a place where she can control, or maybe she just likes her parents enough to be scared of hurting their feelings. One of those things he can relate to more than the other.

“Well Thursday would work better for my schedule.”

“Steve!”

“What! So we get married then, is that the problem? I mean I know I’m not your first choice romantically, but didn’t you say people do that so that they’re safe from people knowing they’re gay.”

Her arms are already out, ready to make a point that would probably be big and dramatic and a little long winded the way Robin likes to be when she’s all worked up like this. But he’s stopped her in her tracks. Face to face he can watch as the outrage melts into something sticky and wet like melted ice cream.

“You’d do that for me?”

“I would pretty much do everything including die for you, getting to be Stephan Robert Buckley would really be more like you doing me a favor.”

He’s getting pulled into a crushing hug before he can blink. He doesn’t mention how he can feel the wet fall of her crying against his neck, if it didn’t embarrass her, it might stop Robin from doing her best to climb inside him like she’s Luke and he’s that weird ice kangaroo. Mascara stains on the neck of his shirt are a small price to pay for a Robin Buckley embrace.

They hold each other for as long as it takes for Robin to feel regular again, and it’s nice. Steve thinks they’ll have to have a different conversation about how rarely he gets hugged just for the sake of it later. Right now this is about family and names and because Robin is family in every way that matters he doesn’t say anything when she wipes away those tears and a little snot with the back of her hand.

“You’ll have to wait until March,” she says, “I’m not getting married until I’m at least 18. I don’t want people thinking it’s some shotgun thing after working with you this summer.”

“As long as it’s before you get your dorm assignment for whatever fancy school you get into. If we’re married I’m pretty sure they have to let us live together.”

“Yeah? Even if I go somewhere like Bryn Mawr?”

He pretends like he’s giving that careful consideration, like he doesn’t already know she really wants to go to some big city where the schools might have a language program and she has a better chance of finding other people more like her.

“Well I guess we could live off campus then, if you really want to go to the lesbian school for lesbians.”

She punches him again. “It is not.”

“I wouldn't want the other lesbians to bully you for being married to a really hot guy.”

“One, I never said yes, dingus. Two, I have a whiteboard that questions how hot you are hotshot.’

“Pretty sure that got burned in the fire so you can’t use that as proof anymore you’re going to need more dates.”

“Data, you need to try to land dates.”

“Same difference.”

She pushes him until he’s laying down, grabs her book from his pillow and he takes that as his cue to go back to his magazine. It takes her a minute to decide how she wants to lay down again, he’s already back on his page about this month’s Hollywood Heartthrobs before she’s decided that his chest makes the best pillow and his arm can prop her book up for her. He isn’t sure what it is today, he wonders if she’s close enough to the beginning that he can get her to read it out loud to him, this month’s Tiger Beat really is lacking.

“Why does anyone think these guys are hot? The guys in Rolling Stone are usually better looking than Alex P. Keaton or the guy from Growing Pains. Johnny Depp is kinda okay, I guess.”

“Stephan Robert!” Robin sits upright again, and Steve thinks he might have accidentally started another capital C Conversation.

#stobin month 2024 #platonic stobin #steve and robin #steve harrington #robin buckley #stobin month #middle names #found family dynamics

81 notes · View notes

tomyo · 10 months

Text

Nimona and a Decade of the Queer Experience

To me one of the most anticipated aspects of the Nimona adaptation was to see how they changed the a lot of the queer themes from the original comic. Nimona was created in a time where it was still taboo to represent same sex relationships in anything trying to be marketable into an era where it is so commonplace that Nimona would have seemed regressive if it stayed true to the material.

Naturally the way Blackheart and Goldenloin are portrayed has greatly changed but also has a lot of the message from the original. Nimona is now about the trans experience.

This isn't to say transness was never at the core of Nimona but I don't think even baby nonbinary me would have been able to connect it directly to that.

Nimona the comic, to me, deals with similar but different issues from Nimona the movie. The comic was a story of trying to upheave an untrustworthy militarized state through the initially goofy lens of a budding father daughter relationship that ultimately fails.

Blackheart at the start of the comic already is trying to defy the government and Nimona seeks him out because he's actually playing the role of the villain already. She herself felt like this mix of female and queer rage. It made believe somewhat in the idea that the little girl by the end of the story was truly her who had once tried to do better for her home and was rejected for becoming something *different*. Overall you can feel more presently that deafening dread that Blackheart and Goldenloin love each other and acknowledging that would ruin both of their lives. This is moreso due to that whole conflict of their ideologies and sides they are on interfering but the metaphor is there. We could read this easily as Blackheart being out of the closet and at odds with society where Goldenloin on in the closet and working on the name of oppression. By showing Blackheart looking visibly like a villain it harkens back to the queer coding of Disney villains and a feeling a lot of queer people had to experience at that time, being an enemy to the public simply for existing. Coming back to Nimona, she's the perfect example of a trans masc egg experience; punk in a way that isn't fully certain in embracing or trashing anything feminine. Not fully androgynous but butchy and an unfocused anger at everything around them. I can never speak for the entirety of the trans experience but I know the feeling being born in an afab body and violently hating the society that I want badly to accept me, the way we insist that we intend to fully express our being while also creating this weird mix of unconvincing conformity. Again I laugh so much at her design elements; shaved head, tomboyish in chainmail but with curves, and short dresses, and impractical belts. Her actions also read as someone who's greatest sore point is loss of her bodily autonomy which ultimately she's subjected to during the climax. The monster/power of Nimona to me tends to ultimately mirror more of an emotional state rather than transness itself. Both version of Nimona have people see it as something Nimona is inflicted with rather than a part of her existence as she reveals at the end. Even Blackheart believe he can cure her of it with the equivalence of a procedure or medication but it's because he only perceives Nimona as the little girl and not the little girl as a part of the whole that is the dragon. I think there is a lot of things we can read into the dragon being and even at the idea that queerness is something people seek to cure that doesn't need one in the first place. And ultimately that's why the story ends on the somber tone it does, the biggest focus of the story was how Blackheart became the parent to Nimona and misguidedly tried to 'fix' her. And like a lot of people, especially for the time period, Nimona had to leave behind the family and society that couldn't accept her as her.

And so we move forward through the years.

Media is not made in a vacuum, Nimona the comic is a critique of early 2010s ideologies and maybe doesn't even worry about them as serious in a pre 2016 world. Nimona 2023 however exists on the other side of that threshold. Like I said, I don't think the original comic was consciously trans mostly because the zeitgeist wasn't conscious of transness. 2012-2014 (the comic's creation period) encapsulated me personally going from no aware knowledge of gender to confusion at learning my friend's pronouns to fully identifying as nonbinary in a world few people knew what that meant. But not long after that we had Korra's ending, the reveal of Ruby and Sapphire, Kaitlynn Jenner, Menanists, and then the nightmare of the 2016 election and all that came with it. The truth is a contradiction occurred; queerness became a part of the in group so long as it followed the rules of heteronormativity. I think it is fair to say a lot of queer people became more eeeh conservative for lack of better terms. For once we finally had a chance to be out and so long as we followed the conditions set out, exist well. We can live comfortably, why rock the boat? In other words, respectability politics. We are then at odds with those who believe we should keep complacent for fear of being rejected.

That brings us to Nimona the movie.

Blackheart no longer is the guerilla activist he once was, we now are introduced to him as a part of the system; specifically the model minority. Movies only have so much time for you to build understanding of it's world themes and ideas and so it tends to need to be more punchy with getting the point across otherwise become less coherent. So rather on the nose "Knighting a non noble is against god" as very flatly stated in the begging. Since the time of the comic, being gay has been normalized and we now see Blackheart and Goldenloin start out as a couple (to be frank I couldn't fully tell if they were official or not but they were all but in writing together) and by in universe logic, Goldenloin is the golden child pastor's son with divisively accepted boyfriend. Blackheart is an inspiration for his common men while his noble classmates are disgusted at the idea of him being allowed the same rights as them, essentially being allowed to be an policeman. It's his role as the model minority that he still believes the system is right when he is framed for murder; it is the one bad actor who's at fault despite a whole society shunning him with little reasoning needed.

Nimona in the other hand is a bit more in control of the relationship. Nimona of the comic latched onto a spurned man who was more methodical than she was in her work but Nimona of the movie is pretty much what pushes Blackheart into the image of a villain. Movie Nimona's goal is more or less to find community and for reasons we will get to only believes she can find it with other cast aside from society. She is jaded enough to know that Blackheart will continue to be labeled as the way they do to her. This time the shape shifting is explicitly trans; Nimona now is no longer worried about experimentation or trying to be cured but of being called a monster, the fear of her, and eradication; words I feel like I've heard too much in lgbt spaces lately. She talks about wanting her own demise with her heard turned down and eyes somber in moments that hit too close to home. She is a worn down warrior for her own existence. On safer grounds with Blackheart she more wittingly challenges his transphobia. Blackheart cannot perceive her out of the binary that she is default a girl and her transformations are something else, he asks if her transitions hurt, and he tries to convince her to blend in with others for his own comfort. As he spends more time with her, he's able to view the world he was taught differently and doesn't view the less pretty sides of Nimona as scary. However, programming is hard to free yourself out of.

The Director is by definition, conservative. She believes is a religious like text that society should not change unless it all falls a part. Her belief in this runs so deep that she easily is willing to kill pseudo religious figures as her personal code of morals override any actual logic in faith(anyone remember how magas talk about Trump as being sent by God while also disavowing him for encouraging vaccinations?). Her rhetoric that non nobles with be a societal slip eminates classism and racism (commoner is somewhat of a race allegory). She denies her own words to hold power, criticizes Nimona of whispering deceipt into blackhearts ear while actually being the one doing so to Goldenloin, and justifies her actions through holy scripts. She holds a stern belief in cleansing the society of it's demons down to intending to kill a large part of her society to rid it of the tran metaphor Nimona is. She is the quintessential conservative power so bent on it staying that way that she will destroy everything in spite of any logic to why it's right. Goldenloin, as the champion of the institution, a head cop if you will, looks upon the chaos learning the director's intent to kill thousands and says "what are we doing here?" A lot of institutions (aah there's the naming for you) in our country are like this. I think to some like, there are people who entered religion or became a police officer because they wanted to do good. But the rhetoric in these spaces can skew that perspective exponentially. Some with better access out may find that point of "What are we doing her" The moment the logic of the system no longer makes sense. I would love to talk more a lot this an the comic institution at a later point.

Back to Nimona and the queer identity.

Nimona was searching for a group to accept her, changing her appearance to fit in. She thinks she has it with Gloreth until Gloreth is taught that Nimona's existence was monstrous and rejects her as well. The scene of the villagers attacking her is poinient as well; they endanger and threaten her with violence (which would likely have been more explicit if not for kids) and she first turns to something weaker to escape but they refuse and so she is forced to turn to something bigger ane vicious in order to live but it only sets up the narrative that there is a reason to fear her when she didnt attack first, she simply had to protect herself. Nimona in the present is ready for her death, the narrative so out of control that it breaks her.

Blackheart is able to bring her back from the brink by doing the important thing of truly apologizing, have humility for his mistrust and bigotry, and offer her support on equal terms. Nimona this time does not flee her friend that failed her but sacrifice herself for the hope of a better future beyond the walls.

The final part to mention; the walls. The walls are mad out as a big deal in this. No one leaves beyond them and the one small town of Gloreth fills to a big capitalist tech dystopia that markets dragons as both cute mascots and something to eradicate to as young as children. Society is a small shoebox not allowed to even see beyond the walls; see a new potential of this world. Simply put, the beyond is the beyond of heteronormative society. Even as society has become more accepting of LGBT identities, it has only liked to consume it in an easily interpreted manor. There are a lot of even just fringe identities that used to get lambasted for being weird simply for existing, trying to apply those same rules within their spaces as they've become socially acceptable. For every push forward we make, there is still presentation and identity that will get ostracized for being out of the box. We create these walls and only build them out further every so often rather than knocking them down. If there is anything to take from Nimona it's to embrace the beyond.

Morning edit; Hiii thank you for reading all of this. I kinda furiously typed this after watching the movie last night and there are certainly some flaws for it. Towards the end you can see a lot of typos because I was literally falling asleep and there are definitely some concepts I would've liked to flesh out better but kinda glossed over to focus on what the stories were saying about Nimona specifically. I think if anything, I'd want to reexamine Blackheart in both stories because I honestly forgot a lot of his actions in the comic, same with the institution because it took a while to even remember about the Director being a character from the comic. To be real, there's some really specific events on where Nimona was made that tend to hit me pretty hard so I rushed through the comic when I read it last year. I might try to take me time now because Nimona is so meaningful. I even want to talk about how it made sense Disney tried to shut it down (I'm certain there's a lot of business reasons but I don't think it was compatible with the Disney brand). For all the ways we have queer stories, I don't think we see a lot of trans stories yet. I'm hoping the series like Dead End Paranormal Park and Nimona are the start of a new era that focally represent that.

#nimona

127 notes · View notes

that-ari-blogger · 6 months

Text

The Perils Of A Set Up Episode

If you take even a basic writing lesson (and I'm talking super basic, like watching a YouTube video), you will probably learn two things: Show don't tell, and set up and payoff.

This is fairly decent writing advice, and though its universality is debatable, it can prove helpful. The issue I want to highlight, is that set up isn't always the most enthralling of things to watch or read. This isn't a fault, and there are a ton of ways that you can make set up interesting. It's also essential, in my opinion, to at least foreshadow elements of your story.

But why am I talking about this? Because the subject of this post is Hooty's Moving Hassle, the sixth episode of the Owl House, and this episode is entirely setup. As such, this post is going to try and analyse all of the things that this episode sets up, and some of the pitfalls that the episode falls into.

Let me explain.

SPOILERS AHEAD

One criticism of the Owl House that I have heard a lot, has been that the show starts slow, and that season one takes a while to find its feet. I don't necessarily agree that this is a fault, sometimes something needs time to gear up to a meaningful conclusion. Anime is famous for taking its time (One Piece is 1097 chapters long at the time of writing this), and the Owl House is plainly inspired by the genre, so I'm not holding this element of the show as a failure, just a difference in taste between audience members, which is perfectly fine.

That being said, pacing is difficult, and I am not blind to the fact that not everything can be a slam dunk. While Once Upon A Swap is the poster child for this part of the Owl House, Hooty's Moving Hassle is where I see it most obviously.

The problem isn't that this episode is bad, I want to make that clear. I do not dislike this episode. The problem is that this episode is entirely set up for other elements to come later on. This episode needed to happen, and this is a pretty good execution of that need, but that fundamental premise of making other stuff more digestible and interesting waters down this episode's memorability, in my opinion. (This is just my opinion; you don't have to defend your honour for liking this episode)

In any case, this episode is actually really well written for what it does. As in, this sets up a lot of things very efficiently, and I'm going to try and delve into some of these.

I'm going to start by just listing some of the ideas that this episode introduces.

The owl beast limits Eda's magic, and the curse is getting worse. What could this mean?

Tibbles' rivalry with Eda. You could say this is set up and payoff all in one place for this arc, but in my opinion, this just sets up later storylines with Tibbles.

The Night Market is a place where you can get weird stuff. What kind of weird stuff? Maybe weird stuff that could curse someone, I don't know.

It's also mentioned off handedly that Tibbles can just call the emperor's coven, which would mean that they know about this illegal market, and don't do anything about it. Why? What is their angle?

The moon has magical significance that brings things to life and revolves around friendship. This is kind of the Collector's whole deal in season three.

These goofballs. Tom steals the show here, but that's not the point. The point is that this is why the Owl Beast is kept a secret. If these guys want to sell a house demon to a restaurant, what might they do to Eda?

Willow and Amity used to be friends. This is why their relationship is so strained. Although I want to point out how this is said.

"When Amity got her magical powers, and I didn't..."

Willow then immediately shows how good she is at plant magic. So it's either Amity doesn't like magic that isn't her perceived normal, which has been disputed when she learns about the glyphs, or there is something else going on here.

More hints about Amity's whole deal. She lives in a manour, and she is starting to show some more sympathetic qualities towards Willow, even half-heartedly standing up for her. She doesn't actually help, and that's the point. She is willing to be "nice" but she isn't willing to back out of her societal status. One is important, but the other is more important to her at the present moment.

And finally, Hexes Hold'em. And it is this that I would like to dwell upon, because it is a neat little metaphor for the rest of the series. First up, what do we know about this game? It's addictive, and it doesn't make sense. You get called back to it because you think you will win. This isn't a sly point here, I'm not guffawing and saying that "oh the series draws you in with promises of greatness and doesn't give you it" because that ain't true. What I'm saying here is that this is Belos' whole plan.

You get drawn in with promises of greatness, the deck is stacked against you, but that's what will make it so sweet when you win, right? But you don't win, because there is a wild card in play. Even when you think you are winning, one card can turn the tables.

And that's also what Luz does. Luz is the wild card in the series, the spanner out of left field that Belos cannot predict. The question of the series is which wild card will prove victorious? And the answer is neither of them. The answer is the collector. Luz and Belos turn out to be the players, and the Collector themself is this wild element. Whoever controls the collector controls the game.

Previous - Next

#rants #literary analysis #literature analysis #what's so special about...?#the owl house #toh willow #toh #toh luz #luz noceda #owl house #the owl house willow #the owl house amity #eda the owl lady #the owl lady

21 notes · View notes

milekael · 17 days

Text

TEEHEE tagged by @rizaposting to do this >:3c

are you named after anyone?

I named myself 😎 The name Miles came from Miles Edgeworth LOL Me and an (ex)friend really liked Ace Attorney and the joke is that I was Miles and they were Franziska, and because at that point I was looking for a name it worked nicely!

However with time I really didn't want my name super directly attached to anyone, thats when I figured Mikael out as like "A longer version of Miles" and to be my name name SDFGHJ

I still use Miles a lot and like Ace Attorney btw! if anything, lately I been using Miles online more than my name for the sake of not putting my full name on the interwebs lol

when was the last time you cried?

Help 0 idea. I used to cry a lot as a kid and now for some reason is really hard for me to do it dfghj not even as some kind of psychological hang-up or anything I just can't really do it.

do you have kids?

Noup

do you use sarcasm a lot?

Kinda? Normally just with people I am close to because if its with anyone else I worry it might be misunderstood.

what sports do you play?

I don't play sports but I do really like doing physical work! I used to do a lot of construction work like building frames when I was at college.

what’s the first thing you notice about people?

A weird way to say it but I like to see people's "character design" LOL as in... I do perceive people very based on "If they were a character, what does their design tell me about their personality" kind of deal dfghj

what’s your eye color?

Grey-ish blue. Dark blue?

scary movies or happy endings?

help I am very VERY selective with the kinds of horrors I vibe with so really happy endings pretty much 97% of the time (Fear & Hunger is the 3% lol)

any special talents?

Huuh I know how to take machines apart! And how to build many many things out of trash. Also by taking machines apart sometimes you learn how to fix them, but I wouldn't trust myself to fix anything super important lol

where were you born?

Caracas, Venezuela! And I moved to the U.S (Sadly) in 2017.

what are your hobbies?

Help what do you do when your hobby is your job. I do a lot of the "ough I been drawing this thing for too long, I better take a break and draw this other thing" LOL but huuuh when I feel like doing something else I play videogames. Also I have gotten into online roleplaying again and I been starting to write fics, different from the things I usually have to write for work reasons so I count them.

do you have any pets?

The creachure The Beast Maki Roll. She is a cat.

how tall are you?

UUUH 5'3" or 5'4" I can't remember lol

favorite subject in school?

Saying art feels like a cope-out uuuh In Venezuelan highschool I really liked Literature and Biology was fun! And if we talk about college I didn't expect Sculpture to be my favorite but it was! And ofc I really liked Oil Painting (My concentration lol) and Illustration!

dream job?

OUGH I really want to work as an art curator in a museum :') or in general in a museum, put me to make an archive of historical stuff and I'll have a blast.

Another thing I would really like is working on set design! again I like physical work and traditional art so I would really enjoy it sdfgh Also also sdfgh my main goal is to make comics of my OCs lol but I don't... exactly want to work under an specific company (Maybe have a contract for publishing but my story wouldn't fully belong to them U know) so really my dream scenario is me working for some of the other stuff I want and also make comics on the side dfghj

SDFGH TAGGING HUUH @bolitamurcielago @seastawright @todd-machine and huuh @pixiunera sure why not!! (BTW don't feel preasured to do it I just threw you because friends beloveds <3 )

#tag game #*clicking noices*

9 notes · View notes

nientedal · 8 months

Note

📚 please tell me more of your mad brainfics Dal

well let's see....... there's the one where Roxanne's consciousness gets knocked out of her body and picked up by brainbots??

there's a couple of brainbots that catch her consciousness or her soul when she's jarred loose, but there's too much for them to handle on their own, so a few others flock up with the first two so they can all move as one unit and share Roxanne's neural load between them, and basically she has to figure out how to function and she also has to figure out how to tell Megamind what's going on. which kinda takes a while, because she isn't sure how to use her multiple mechanical bodies right away? everything is so complicated and she's sharing everything with several distinct and very alien intelligences. it's Roxanne, plus the thought patterns of five pigeons and a dog that's now "twin" bots and a lot of artificial intelligence augmenting everything. she's kinda just along for the ride, at first.

(and Megamind has to figure out how to put her consciousness back in her body, and that's how she gets to know him in this AU, that's how she falls in love with him here. and that's potentially how he falls in love with her, too, if he isn't already. by learning her mind and working with her to try and put her back.)

but yeah, she opens her eyes and literally everything about how she perceives and processes the world is different. she has seven visual angles and they aren't always pointing the same direction. she has multiple tactile inputs. she has seven bodies that operate independently of one another. and there are other minds in there with her, and for a while she has trouble figuring out which of them is her.

but she does slowly get used to it. she slowly figures out how to operate within the flock, how to request control of a unit so she can "drive" for a while. slowly figures out how to work with the brainbots' programming.

the brainbots maintain their flock, sharing Roxanne between them. long-term flocking is not something brainbots do frequently and Megamind reviews bot activity on a fairly regular basis, so he does notice this group of seven that seem to have…formed some kind of extended bond with each other? so, that's interesting. he decides to keep an eye on them.

what's even more interesting is the way they seem to be keeping an eye on him. three or four of them are always hanging around while he works. he always talks to whatever brainbots are nearby while he works, but these seem to be listening in a different way. and then he's working on a new invention one night because he can't sleep and they suddenly go bersek, barking and snapping at him, trying to drive him back, just before a section of his project collapses where he was standing. that's unusual, too. the brainbots are excellent at responding, but anticipating potential problems isn't really the forte of older models of bots.

So he starts talking to them even more, explaining what he's doing and why, and they listen. they leave and come back with more tools and supplies he didn't think he would need, but…oh, with that he could do this, and if he used this for that other thing then he could make this bigger, and--

and so it goes.

and eventually I think Roxanne starts working on building herself a body (with the brainbots' help), because yes she's figuring out how to work with multiple units, but Roxanne is a single intelligence and being multiply-embodied in seven units isn't easy for her. And Megamind finds the half-built construct and he is VERY weirded out; he goes and does an in-depth review of the long-term flock, their connections, their patterns… and while he's watching their linked interactions, he realizes... there's a sort of extra pattern? or series of patterns? and he drills down into the flock's routines and realizes, holy shit, it's not seven brainbots -- it's seven brainbots plus an eighth, completely disembodied intelligence. and what. the fuck. is that. is it a virus? is it a spy? what's going on, what IS this thing? He is now EXTREMELY freaked out and sort of also panicking a little bit, because something got INTO HIS SYSTEMS, something got INTO his LAIR. he tries to pull it out of the flock and onto a different system but the bots fight him on it-- he's trying to take manual control remotely and the other bots are trying to stop him, which does NOT help his mental state AT ALL.

But finally he does manage to succeed. He powers down the flocking brainbots and very carefully extracts the eighth thing's 'sleep' subroutine and everything attached to it, and he puts it on its own little dedicated server and boots it up to one of his monitor stands to see if he can find any identifying markers if he can see it on a text processor.

but as soon as he boots it up, Roxanne starts FREAKING OUT. she's ALONE and she can't SEE and she can't HEAR and she can't contact the OTHER BOTS-- she's trying to ping the flock and there's no response-- she tries to open a mayday line to all active bots-- nothing--

megamind is like "oh shit" and starts scrambling to add visuals and audio input, because ok yes he is freaked out and wants to know what this thing is, but he didn't mean to SCARE it! he didn't realize it could BE scared! ohshit ohshit ohshit. sorry sorry sorry, didn't realize this was fully a Who and not a What, ahhh crapcrapcrap--

the camera and microphone do seem to help. It's a bit of a mess for a while but he does get everything hooked up. and then the first thing this disembodied intelligence throws onto the screen (after some jumbles of half-text that are Roxanne figuring out YET ANOTHER new output, goddamn) is, YOU JUST CANNOT RESIST KIDNAPPING ME, CAN YOU

which makes basically no sense to him yet. Roxanne's biological body is elsewhere, idk where, probably in the hospital. it doesn't occur to him yet that it's her.

until the thing he's trapped goes AT LEAST I AM IN A BOX THIS TIME AND NOT A SMELLY BAG, HA HA IT IS TO LAUGH, BUT I CAN'T MOVE OR CONNECT WITH MY MEs, DO YOU THINK THIS IS FUNNY? WHAT THE FUCK MEGAMIND I MEAN REALLY

"...Roxanne?"

OH AREN'T WE CLEVER. GOLD STAR, GENIUS. CLAPCLAPCLAPCLAPCLAP APPLAUSE.

so that's a thing that happens. and after that it's, you know, trying to figure out how to get roxanne either into the construct she was building or back into her biological body, which is NOT megamind's forte and he's terrified of getting something wrong, but she says she misses breathing and food and hi PLEASE put me back. it is worth it. this isn't living. it's okay if something goes wrong and it's okay if i don't come back from this, i'm tired of being this way, please try. please try. i trust you.

...anyway it's been a while since i played with this one, but i think the ending i had in mind was something like, he steals her body from the hospital and has to hide it in order to integrate the port into her brain stem. there's a lot of figuring out the nature of consciousness and what happened to jar her loose, and figuring out how the brainbots grabbed and distributed her patterns among the flock. he does finally get something he's reasonably sure will work to get her back into her body, but it is going to be a permanent installation in her body. like, there's no unplugging all this stuff completely. and i think what it eventually turns into will be roxanne is herself again but she is now able to neurally sync with some of the brainbots and direct smallish flocks and then larger and larger hosts of them, which has some VERY fun possibilities that i actually have not played with super duper much!! but it's still a big adjustment. if she isn't careful, she can sometimes zone out and split into multiples throughout the host, and gathering all of herself back into herself is a trick that it takes her a while to get the hang of, I think.

And so that's that one!

#askbasket #buginateacup #megamind #dal is a fanfic

29 notes · View notes

pancake-breakfast · 8 months

Text

There was too much cliffhanger last time, so we gotta get moving today.

Stream-of-consciousness thoughts for TriMax Vol. 12, Chapters 4-6 below.

Chapter 4: The Gunslinger

CW. Body horror

Wasn't this a previous chapter title? Referring to Vash?

Knives, that's not even a hand anymore. What have you done to your body, sir??

Vash has his attention. Good. I think.

Oof, Vash just burned more of his power here, didn't he.

Yeah, he did. I hope Knives is as horrified as I am.

Hiding behind the glasses. Good luck, babygirl. I don't like whatever you're planning, but it's not like I could do anything about it. Or come up with better ideas.

Yes. Yes, we are waiting with bated breath. There are TWO more volumes, and we're not even halfway through this one, and babygirl doesn't have much gold left, and Knives is in full monster mode, and where the hell are Legato and Livio and Elandira and... and... and...

I mean, kill him, absorb him.... It's not like it would be a long jump from one to the other. He already doesn't recognize Vash as an individual with a will of his own, or inasmuch as he does, he doesn't respect that will. All that's happened now is Knives has realized cowering in his own fear and following his plan for Ultimate Alone-ness(TM) is going to leave him without his brother, too. And he's decided he'd rather accept that than fail.

Ok, I love Knives' design here. It's like this terrible twist on angel presentation, with his wings looking more like teeth and jaws than wings, and with his face covered not by feathery appendages but by weird otherworldly tendrils.

Mmm, Knives looks like he thinks he got him, but I have my doubts. I don't really know what happened in the last few pages, but still.

LOLOLOL Knives was so busy being insulted by the "rudimentary" weapon Vash wields he didn't even consider that Vash might survive. Also, I bet he doesn't want to see Vash's corpse because then he might have regrets.

Knives is about to wax philosophical and Vash is like, "I ain't got time for your bullshit, bro. Get down here and fight me like a man!"

Chapter 5: +-0

Ohhhh, man. Listening to the Attack on Titan soundtrack while reading this was a mistake. As if I needed MORE feels.

Awww, teen Vash....

Wait, they chained him to a bomb?? Guys! He's just a baby Vash! He's a nice boy! Why'd you do this???

"Most of the time you don't know the person you're dealing with, but knowing their situation can change how you perceive their actions. The world keeps on turning, whether you understand them or not." Truth.

Eighty years?? EIGHTY, and they still look so young??? Also, that's a really long time to spend with someone while keeping them at a distance. It actually sounds like Vash wanted to leave but couldn't quite bring himself to, and so "arm's length" was the best compromise he could come up with. Not because he wanted to be closer and knew he shouldn't, but because he wanted to be further away and didn't know how.

And then... one day, he did.

Domina still doesn't look so good.

Mmm, so in all her battles, Chronica's never failed quite like this. One of the few spoilers I had around her was that she hates Knives, and at this point I think I can see why.

Knives always takes insult at Vash pointing a gun at him. He doesn't fear it. Only his '98 version registers it as a true threat. The rest of the time, it's just an insult. An insult that his brother would have become so distant from him to dare. An insult that his brother, a higher being, would use a rudimentary human weapon in what should be a struggle between gods. But... something something Christian imagery something Vash as a Jesus-like figure something something both Man and God and bridging the gap between the two.

Yeah, unlike you, Knives, Vash sees you as person and is absolutely not keen on taking away your right to life and all that comes with it.

Stampede just ate all this up, didn't they?

Look at that unsteady hand. Surely Knives came here to rescue him. Probably killed all the humans as he did it. Where did Vash get the gun?

Oh, shit. Knives didn't just kill up the guys who were executing Vash. He killed ALL of them.

Yeah, Knives isn't gonna get it.

Ah, tilting his head back like that. Resigning himself to a bloody victory, and allowing himself to revel in it even if Vash doesn't seem to get it.

Oh, man. He shot Knives!

Aaaand that's how Vash lost his arm.

Then what? Knives just left him there to bleed out in the desert while attached to a bomb? This seems questionable for Vash's continued survival.

Vash, NO. Don't kill yourself taking out your brother! This is NOT a reasonable option! There are soooo many people in the world still who care about you!

Also, shout-out to Knives' buggy dragon wings.

I like how in this spread Vash looks like Vash and Knives is... like... a disembodied blob.

Knives wants an all-out fight. Vash just wants victory.

Oh, Vash, honey.... You really should meet your cousin Chronica before you make claims like that. I'm sure she'd have some thoughts. Good thoughts.

Chapter 6: Resonance

Oooh, does this mean we're gonna get more Plant participation here?

Oh, man. I have a LOT of thoughts on resonance that I'm not going to write up tonight. I have to get up at the ass-crack of dawn and want to at least try to sleep at some point.

Knives has absorbed a TON of plants, and yet Vash, with his power and ingenuity, is matching him without having absorbed any.

Rude, Knives. Don't call your brother kii-sama.

Wait, Vash is stopping Knives from getting destroyed by his mini black holes? What's his plan here? Sap away Knives' power until Knives is no stronger than a human?

Oh, Smart Knives is smart. He, too, knows something's off.

I don't think Vash is here to give a lecture to you, Knives. Maybe... more of a practical demonstration, but not a lecture.

Ahhhh! Vash and the humans are trying to do the opposite of what Knives was doing! They're gonna ask! They're respecting the Plants' wills!

Oh, good. We get to see that teen Vash was rescued. Looks like he managed to shoot through the chain, too. I wasn't entirely sure.

If they were trying to spare everyone from radiation sickness, why did they chain Vash up?? Was he just too stubborn about leaving? That sounds like something he'd do.

Yeah, it would be hard to be the sole survivor twice, to know that people loved you and still had to turn their backs on you to keep you safe.

Knives, you are so smart and yet so stupid. You're like everyone else who's ever realized they're smarter than average and then jumped from there to being convinced that, because of their intelligence, they're also always right. That they understand people's hearts as well as they understands facts and logistics.

Yes, this! I just needed to wait a page for Vash to say it!

Ok, so... I've seen a lot of people talk about how pre-Vol. 10 Vash (or, really, pre-Vol. 8 Vash) is just like them fr fr with his slightly hidden depression and constant underlying suicidal tendencies and a bitterness he hides behind fake smiles. Personally, I find more resonance (heh) with post-Vol. 10 Vash, who is openly angry at certain things and has a far more clear view of his goal. I still think he runs more suicidal and/or depressed than I do, but it's not as far a jump from being suicidal to being willing to fight for a cause even if it costs your life as some might think.

Ugh, that's the stupid-ass military, isn't it. Just when it looks like the humans are getting through to the Plants, too.

I wonder if that's Brad there doing the obscuring thing. Kinda doesn't matter. It will be enough to encourage Vash, even if it's not enough to dissuade the military.

LOL, THE CAVALRY HAS ARRIVED!!!

Oh, dear, sweet Meryl. I think he knows.

It was Brad! Huzzah! Good on you, kid!

See? They just hardened his resolve.

Oof, Domina's a mess. I guess it's up to the dependent Plants now. The rest are giving up on her, even though they don't want to. Their situation is desperate and they need to know more. It's like... a very soft Knives and Vash parallel.

Archive

Trigun Vol. 1: Covers + 1-3, 4, 5-6, 7-8, 9-10 || Vol. 2: Covers + Extras, 1, 2-4, 5-6, 7-8

TriMax Vol. 1: Covers + 1-2, 3-4, 5-6 || Vol. 2: Covers + 1, 2-4, 5, 6-7 || Vol. 3: Covers + 1-3, 4-5, 6-7 || Vol. 4: Covers + 1-2, 3-5, 6-7 || Vol. 5: Covers + 1-2, 3-4, 5-6 || Vol. 6: Covers + 1-2, 3-4, 5-6 || Vol. 7: Covers + 1-2, 3-4, 5-6 || Vol. 8: Covers + 1-2, 3-4, 5 + Bonus || Vol. 9: Covers + 1-2, 3-4, 5-6 || Vol. 10: Covers + 1-3, 4-5, 6-8 || Vol. 11: Covers + 1-2, 3-4, 5-6 || Vol. 12: Covers + 1-3

Extra Credit: Trigun Vol. 1: Nebraska vs. Vash's Motivations, Vash's Loneliness, Vash's Depression (pt. 2 of post), Soupy Brains || Vol. 2: Coin Factoids || TriMax Vol. 1: Lina, Vash, and a Haircut || Meryl, Vash, and the Pursuit of Happiness || Vol. 5: Knives, Vash, and Hatred for Humanity || Vol. 6: Coping Series: Wolfwood, Meryl, Vash || Vol. 8: The Uncoordinated Counterattack || Vol. 9: Justice, Punishment, and Mercy, The Tolling of an Iron Bell || Vol. 10: Crucifixion Symbology (pt. 2 of post), Merging of Families, Being Childlike (And Why God Hates Chapel) || Vol. 11: New Hair, New Outlook

#trigunbookclub #trigun maximum #volume 12 #pancake thoughts

18 notes · View notes

jaggedwolf · 11 months

Text

my biggest problem with ted lasso s3 is that it flinches too early, too often.

to me, that's a cardinal sin. I can forgive a lot when I'm fond of characters - imperfect pacing, lackluster plot, unanswered questions - as long as I believe there's something real there, that there's a willingness to bite into the meat of the story before setting the plates for dessert.

you can't flinch from your own story.

what do I mean by flinching?

let's take nate. s2 takes him on a believable arc. he went from a (bullied) kitman to a coaching position, a job beyond his wildest imagination, but on the inside, he stays insecure. actually, he gets even more insecure. because the thing about nate in s2, right, is that he's oversensitive to the slightest hints of disapproval - like his father's apathy - in a way that makes him desperate for constant approval. and yet even when he gets that approval, it doesn't satisfy him, not completely.

he needs more, wants more, there's an gulf inside that cannot be filled by success. it makes him swing wildly back and forth between "i'm garbage, i'm a piece of shit" and "i'm the best, why the hell does no one appreciate what a genius i am?", makes him externalize his dissatisfaction with himself into cruelty towards will and colin and ted, makes him kiss keeley and then be offended that roy wasn't angry with him.

s3 seems to posit that what nate needed was success and validation. that he could fix that bottomless gulf by being a good coach, and getting a girlfriend, and having his dad tell him that he's smart. and all of that would make him realize he doesn't want to be like cheating rupert and then he's no longer dickhead s2 nate.

except. except none of that makes any sense.

the end of s2 sets us up with nate as west ham's head coach. we've watched multiple seasons of a show that's told us how much power the head coach has in setting the tone for a team, and were given an indication of the type of culture george cartrick encouraged before he was fired.

that season's finale makes you want to ask, geez, how cruel is nate this high on his own supply going to be? and then....s3 basically does not care. s3e1 gives us a token depiction of nate being a dick to his players and his coworkers, and then we never see that behavior from him again.

and I think I could have ultimately been okay with that, even if nate falling into worse behavior before climbing out of the pit would've been more satisfying to me. they could have had me buy that nate as head coach is so high up enough and so distracted by rupert and guilt that he has less outbursts than s2 nate.

but only if s3 didn't have such a warped idea of what it meant to show an improvement in nate. remember: a fundamental part of nate's shit is that for him, his timidity and self-centeredness are two sides of the same dang coin, a hyperobsession of how he's perceived.

you know that whole quote about how if you want to see how a person's like, look at how they treat their inferiors, not their superiors? let me give you a nate shelley version: if you want to tell me he's a much better guy than the one we saw in s2, you have to show me he reacts reasonably to rejection, not just acceptance and praise.

nate in s3 gets what he wants so consistently - he chooses to leave west ham instead of getting sacked, he gets the frickin players asking after him at the restaurant, he gets his dad calling him a genius (??) - that I have no idea if he has improved in that regard. I really don't know. (I also have no idea if he's any less weird about women, between that keeley kiss and defaulting to calling rebecca a shrew)

for contrasting examples in the same show, look at rebecca and jamie, who each made some pretty asshole moves without the show flinching away from it. rebecca's forced to directly confront how she hurt keeley with the paparazzi move, jamie has to prove himself to sam and the rest of the team - they had sympathetic reasons for their assholishness, but that didn't give them a pass.

and I understand the doylist context here. the writers did not anticipate the degree of rage many viewers had towards nate's end-of-s2 actions. maybe that's what led to the flinching away from how messy nate as head coach could really have gotten.

but regardless of the why, they still flinched, and it made nate's story so much the worse for it.

ok I have another complaint about flinching as it pertains to colin's arc this season, but I'll put that under the cut

unlike with nate, I actually enjoyed most of colin's story this season. how he navigates being closeted, tying it in to his visit with dr sharon last season, the night he has with trent in amsterdam, all of that was fairly well done, I thought.

but man, the episode where he comes out to the team? tore my suspension of disbelief to shreds. not the team's overall reaction, bought that, genuinely loved ted's bonkers football fan analogy and that colin feels free enough after to play excellently. the issue is what prompted his coming out.

you see, I watch ted lasso like I watch sports anime. I am not expecting a realistic depiction of male professional athletes and definitely not male professional athletes within a locker room. I don't question all of them crying at you've got mail, or all but one engaging in a pillow fight instead of hooking up in clubs, some of them cheating on wives. that's not the type of show this is, any more than haikyuu being that type of show, for instance. that's chill.

and colin's story arc coming out could very easily co-exist with that.

yet when it's prompted by a fan shouting homophobic slurs, as happens many a time in the actual EPL, and they show the team's reaction to that, they utterly break the illusion. because, to be frank, if this is a world where that's said by fans, just as it is ours, it feels ridiculous to watch an EPL team be horrified by the word. (and to be good about not saying it themselves!)

and also that occurrence implies that isaac and sam and other players (and probably nate, come to think of it) are also getting called all kinds of slurs from the stands, something the episode avoids ever addressing.

like look, I'm not asking to hear "faggot" or "paki" or any other number of slurs on a sitcom, of all things, but it's the show who decided to make this the plot point for that episode. it stands out that when isaac overreacts to the slur because of what he knows about colin, and then he and colin talk, there is an absence of any mention of the (targeted) shit isaac likely hears, especially after taking over as captain. it would've only made the episode stronger, given their friendship, and that colin was clearly frustrated with isaac's reaction during the match after he'd spent so long being ignored and yelled by him.

or, y'know, if they were gonna flinch this hard they could have had colin come out literally any other way lol.

ok i have some other qualms about the season (now that we know rebecca's endgame re: the club i mourn for what a consistent arc towards that could've looked like, and also jamie's dad can fuck off), but those were my two big wtfs this season. where i went, "bro, you're the one who brought this up, why are you running away from it?"

#ted lasso #mine #ted lasso meta #nate shelly #colin hughes #oh god it's too long

26 notes · View notes

alovelyburn · 1 year

Text

Rambles about the Millennium Falcon Arc Part 1

I said I wasn’t going to do this one next, but I changed my mind because it’s Valentine’s Day.

So, it’s probably not surprising that this is one of the bits I’ve been looking forward to tackling the most. I am a predictable goldfish. Despite that, I did kind of wonder what I’d actually have to say since I always felt like it’s a fairly straightforward section, so let’s see how it goes.

Later addition: I couldn’t shut up.

Rambles about the Millennium Falcon Arc Part 1

1. This opening reminds me of the beginning of the Last Unicorn. It’s not actually the same at all but it still reminds me of it - this dreamlike enchanted forest with creatures just outside the edge of your vision. People discussing whether those things are really there...I think about this a lot -the way the shadows and silences in the world post-Conviction aren’t really empty anymore. THAT reminds me of the unforgiven demon spirits that came to Griffith in the dungeon.

But it’s kind of interesting how Zodd went centuries without people seeing his apostle form (well I assume he killed most of the people who did) and suddenly he’s being quite brazen which I think speaks to the way the world is changing and the new set of rules that Griffith is bringing with him. He’s about to bring all the things in the shadows into the light, so the drive to discretion has faded out a bit.

The hollows of trees, the ground beneath graves, the whispers of winds, the lull between waves, the depths of wells, the darkness of attics... secretly, at some point their silence ceased to be mere silence. Like a folk tale told by elders to children, as if it might have been there all along, something surely breathed within the silence.

One of the things that doesn’t get talked about a lot when discussing how Griffith is a dick for bringing the monsters and such back into the world is that per the discussion in Elfhelm, the world he created was really recreated – it’s the world that existed before humans lost faith in the supernatural and started to drive those things into the astral plane. And also, because of the way Berserk’s worldbuilding works, where the physical world and the astral world kind of overlap with some things (e.g. the tree in Flora’s forest) existing in one but not the other, the above passage is very relevant.

“As if it might have been there all along, something surely breathed within the silence.”

I mean they were there all along. They were just a step removed from where humans were, and so they couldn’t be perceived by those who exist wholly on the physical plane.

2. I think I paid less attention to Casca in the past than I have been this time... because she’s just kind of off in the corner doing kooky things most of the time. She does have a bit more characterization than I remembered – I guess it’s basically age regression since she acts kind of like a toddler or something. I... am not gonna get too much into Casca’s situation right now since obviously the main event is Griffith showing up like a ex with a glow up but her situation is on my mind a lot. Maybe I’ll get into it when she and Guts go off alone.

And I still miss Godo. Gruff old bastard.

This next little sequence I’m just going to rearrange slightly to make it easier to comment – you’ve all seen it anyway. I just moved the two panels of Guts thinking about Griffith out of the way of bit with Erica trying to get him to stay.

This is a kind of weird moment to me because Guts didn’t actually promise to stay he just half-heartedly acknowledged that if he did stay Casca would probably calm down a lot. I have a lot of conflicted thoughts about Erica and her constant push to have Guts stay with her/them, because Guts literally only knew them for a year so I’m not sure why she feels like he’s supposed to live the rest of his life with her.

I guess the real answer is “because she’s a kid. “

But even so, that moment kind of has the feel to me of like... Guts saying something kind of vague to avoid having to decide in that moment, but since he’s talking to a literal child it ends up being taken to heart in a way that’s difficult to walk back.

3. One of the problems I have with the “Guts just hates Griffith and wants him dead” crowd is... when he thinks about Griffith it’s never about killing him. He thinks about maybe becoming a monster to be more like Griffith. He thinks about Griffith’s flowing silvery hair. He thinks about how much he should want to kill him even though his instinct was to drop it. He thinks about abusing or abandoning Casca to get closer to him, or become more entwined with him or chase him, but he never... imagines inflicting violence on Griffith. He doesn’t fantasize about Griffith’s death, that’s just his fans. Guts himself can’t even bring himself to think the words, most of the time.

What I really think is happening, and I will defend this to my death, is...

... what he really wants is for Griffith to be Griffith again. He wants to be able to get back the things he lost without realizing he had them. But it doesn’t matter because Griffith’s still a demon and Guts can’t turn back time, so he just gets mad instead, because that’s what he knows how to handle. As Godo said, he runs into his rage because it’s easier to handle than his grief – over the death of the Hawks and the loss of Casca’s sanity, but most of all over the loss of Griffith, the person he upended his life to get closer to – the person who no longer exists.

Which is why seeing Griffith in a human-esque body throws him off. It’s easier to hate Femto, who is visibly demonic and has obvious physical markers to separate him from the person who was, and is, Guts’ primary fixation in life. But when he looks like himself, that line gets blurry and Guts responds with epic ambivalence... as is about to play out during their meeting.

All that aside, the fact that his first instinct is to drop it is very telling, in my opinion. Because a person doesn’t need to talk themselves into doing something they unambiguously want to do, they need to talk themselves into doing things they feel ambivalent about, or conflicted about. On one hand they may want to do the thing, but on the other hand, definitely don’t want to do the thing. It’s like when you don’t want to go somewhere but you know you should, and you assume you’ll be glad you did it after it’s done, but in the moment you’d rather just watch tv and doomscroll, so you have to get yourself revved up to put on pants and leave the house.

I guess my point is...

After he sees Griffith in his human form, the desire to go after him changes. He feels like he should do it for a number of reasons. Because of everything Griffith did, and how outraged and hurt he is. Because of his grief and frustration... and because he’s been hunting Griffith for years and there’s no way he can just stop now right when he finally has a chance to accomplish his goal. There is a bit of sunk costs in there - something Griffith knows well - mixed in with that genuine drive and anger, and hate.

But... as much as he knows that, as angry and hurt as he genuinely is, he struggles to hold onto that in the face of the one person who has always meant the most to him – for good or ill.

I do think that changes a bit, mostly as a result of this very meeting, but it never does go back to the way it was – the certainty he gained from all that black fire and white hot rage is dimmed by his ambivalence.

That said, even when he was faced with Femto his feelings were more complicated than that. Puck lampshaded it obviously, but even more than that you can see a slightly smaller scale version of the following scene all the way back in Black Swordsman –

Guts being crushed by Griffith’s initial dismissal of him. (He even does that thing where Griffith dismisses him and he’s like, ...WHAT WAIT... and tries to follow him), Guts being like, “Griffith you fucker, look what you did,” and Femto being all, “Hey Guts, I’ve got some good news: I don’t care,” and Guts being driven by Griffith’s lack of fucks to give... more than anything else, really.

So, you know, the change in appearance puts a foot on the scale but it didn’t create the issue to begin with.

Oh yeah. The other thing I wanted to say, because I’ve been thinking about it since the last writeup, is...

The fact that Guts perceives Griffith’s facetuned 2.0 – the version people recognize as being a tier above even the high tier of beauty that he already had as a human being – as “just like he used to be” is pretty telling as far as the way Griffith is in Guts’ mind: filtered through the eyes of love and idealization and hero worship, seen from the ground as Guts looks up at the pedestal he always had Griffith on.

The sheer sensuality of the imagery is also... quite notable to me, especially in light of some of the phrasing that has been discussed re: later scenes.

4. This whole part of the scene is so weird to me, honestly. Like the way Rickert is talking and Griffith’s just silent. It... gives me the weird impression of Rickert talking to a statue or something. Or a mirror. In some ways it’s actually pretty appropriate – Griffith was always the slate the Hawks projected their dreams and hopes and fantasies onto. The only one he really allowed to “know” him was Guts - even Casca picked it up by chance, really - so it is perhaps appropriate that Guts is the first person he speaks to on panel. I also think this serves a narrative purpose, but more on that in a moment.

I bet the readers lost their fucking minds.

As a sidenote, I’m a little devastated that we lost the “reunion at/on/in” titling scheme for the Elfhelm visit. They did drop the phrasing on the color pages, but still.

One time I read someone asking how Rickert was able to stop Guts given that Guts is definitely stronger than him and like... I just figured Guts didn’t want to trample him. Because it’s Rickert, I mean if it were anyone who wasn’t Rickert, Casca or Erica I’m sure he would have... well cut them in half if we’re being honest. But there’s no way he’d manhandle a Hawk that easily.

I can’t imagine how confusing that must be to Rickert. But again we see here this separation Guts has between Griffith as he is now and the Griffith he knew. Like he struggles to maintain it now because Griffith looks like Griffith, but he’s actively trying to maintain that separation... I imagine because it makes it easier to maintain his focus on vengeance instead of pining for what was lost.

In the deluxe version, that last panel is corrected to “Don’t talk about me in that same voice.”

Which is interesting – it kinda brings me back to exactly what Griffith’s talking about – the day they first met, when Griffith speed analyzed Guts’ personality and Guts was super pissed off about it (because he was right). And I do think that’s a lot of what’s going on here – “don’t talk to me in that same voice” and “don’t talk about me in that same voice” aren’t really the same thing. Well I’m sure you know that.

But basically, for me, when it was translated as “to” the feeling was something like, “don’t come here acting like you’re Griffith and using his face and smiling his smile and talking with his voice.” Almost like rage over the demon who replaced his friend.

With “about me” I feel more like he’s angry because this moment echoes the moment Griffith is talking about - when they first met, and Guts was a wild dog, and Griffith just stood there and analyzed him - and hes doing it again like nothing changed, but it has. It fucks with his head. I’m having a bit of a hard time articulating this for some reason, but look at Guts’ face when his internal monologue starts (“that same face”). He’s essentially frozen in place. He’s struggling. And just like back there on the tower, his first instinct is to stare and then he has to work himself up... in this case by the sheer hubris of Griffith showing up here all chill and acting like Griffith and pushing all of Guts’ emotional buttons.

It feels a bit like... “You’re acting like nothing’s changed, but everything’s changed.”

But it’s debatable how successful he is at revving himself up here. I mean he’s pissed, sure, but hes also just standing there. Rickert may be “holding him back” but in a page or two we see how effective that is if Guts really wants to get through, because Guts just shrugs him off basically.

As much as Guts is struggling with this situation, though, Griffith’s tone is interesting isn’t it? He’s so distanced and calm – even more than when they first met. Back then, he had a lot of intensity and playfulness whereas here he’s just kind of distant.

Once, years ago, someone told me that she had met up with an ex that she used to be crazy in love with... and she said she could still see everything about him that she had loved so much, but it had lost its hold on her. She didn’t ... react the same way to those things, even though the things hadn’t changed and she still thought they were charming.

That’s kind of the feeling I get from Griffith here. It’s not necessarily something specific to Guts though – it’s kind of how he is with everything, even his ambitions.

So like. About this scene.

Is he here just to see Guts and see whether Guts can shake his heart, or is he here to see whether he feels any guilt over the Eclipse?

Rhetorical question, it’s the first one. But I’ve seen a lot of people argue that rather than come here to see Guts specifically and test whether Guts specifically still affects him, he is instead here to see “The Hawks and their graves” and see whether he still “has some scrap of emotion left” or regrets his choices. And I don’t think it’s necessarily a bad faith argument - it’s almost the same thing, just phrased in a more... uh anti-Griffith way I guess and focused on the Hawks as a whole instead of Guts specifically. Usually this I think comes from people who place less weight on Griffith’s feelings for Guts than, say, I do.

But I’m going to argue against that perspective.

First of all, Griffith does literally say he came to meet with Guts. Maybe people think he’s talking to Guts and Rickert, but I don’t think that bears out from the scene itself. Remember when I noted that Guts is the first person Griffith speaks to on panel after his reincarnation? That’s a bit of a narrative trick – it drives home how focused he really is on Guts, because he’s sort of an ephemeral half-presence until Guts shows up and he starts solidifying so to speak. But that’s not all - Griffith really only talks to Guts at all for most of this scene – he only really acknowledges Rickert’s presence once he’s finished his business with Guts, and even then it’s half-afterthought as he’s taking off.

Second, Guts is the thing that always undermined Griffith’s control of himself and his ability or desire to focus on his vision/dream. This is obviously hammered home like 90,000 times during the Golden Age - that’s really what Griffith’s side of the narrative is about – this tug of war between Guts and Griffith’s lifelong ambition. Even when he actually made the Sacrifice, the only one he thought about before making the choice was Guts.

That being the case, the scene just makes the most sense as Griffith checking his Guts issues not his Hawks issues, because he doesn’t really have Hawks issues. If he wants to test his own heart, the best possible trial is coming face to face with this person that he desperately loved and couldn’t think clearly about. Because if Guts can’t hurt him anymore, can’t control his heart anymore, what could? Literally nothing.

There are also visual markers later but everything in its time.

And Guts’ face when he says that is priceless. He doesn’t know how to process that – he doesn’t know what to do with himself if that’s true. And honestly, imagine if Griffith had followed that up with, “as it turns out, this was a terrible idea and I miss them and I miss you.” Guts would have dropped the whole thing.

Don’t get me wrong, It’s not that I think Guts would be fine with it or suddenly not care that Griffith fed the Hawks to monsters and raped Casca. That’s not what I mean. I think he would have struggled with himself over it, and felt guilty about it, but ultimately I do think he would have dropped it.

Because the thing with Guts is that, since he operates on a system where whether he cares about what happens to someone depends on whether he personally likes them, he is always capable of letting something go if he likes you more than he likes the person or people you did something to. I once had a tierlist for this actually, but my position was basically that if someone at S tier hurts someone at A tier, Guts might not like it, but he’s able to let it go if you give him a good enough reason to do so. But if someone at B tier hurts someone at A tier, that’s when he can’t get over it. Basically, if you’re only hitting people he likes less than you, you can work it out even if it’s hard.

And this is relevant because despite many fans’ insistence, Griffith, not Casca, is the top dog of the tierlist. This is extremely evident by the way he lives, the way he prioritizes, the way his inner dog behaves. When he’s chasing Griffith he never thinks about how he should be there for Casca, but when he’s protecting Casca, he’s always twitching to go back to chasing Griffith. He physically and sexually assaulted her becausee he wanted to become closer to and more like Griffith. More on that when it comes up obviously but the point is...Griffith is the top of the tierlist. The only competition he’s ever had was Gambino, who is dead. And that being the case, I do think he would forgive Griffith if he had any reason to, any reason at all.

And if anyone thinks Guts is incapable of letting go of the Eclipse, i mean it was Miura himself who said if Casca weren’t with him, he’d eventually move on. That’s why Miura kept her around.

But even more than that, I do think that even more than the Eclipse itself, Guts’ rage and pain stems from the way Griffith doesn’t care about it, doesn’t regret it, wouldn’t take it back, dismisses it, dismisses him. Until the most recent meeting, that was always what set him off going back to the Black Swordsman arc and I... the most recent chapters aren’t by Miura. Like I appreciate the opportunity to find out where the story was going, and I accept the broad plot strokes as ‘true’ but obviously the details blur a little, or a lot.

Another thing is, Rickert’s face. Rickert is aware that Griffith is talking about Guts specifically, because he’s aware that Griffith has always been weird about Guts – he’s right there with the others when Griffith found out that an immortal mega-warrior is about to confront Guts, and all the captains stopped what they were doing to watch Griffith for panic attacks.

He’s also the one who put it out there that Griffith’s self-destruction was probably about Guts’ departure:

But also... what Griffith says – I came to know for certain whether anything will shake my heart as I stand before you in this new body of flesh” – so the word he’s using that’s being translated as heart is kokoro and it’s a little more complicated than just heart, it’s like mind and spirit and emotions – I pulled this quote from here

So it’s interesting – I think in context heart is the right choice in English – certainly more accurate than something like ‘shake my spirit’ or whatever – but he’s talking about Guts’ potential to destabilize him mind and body, heart and soul - to shake him to the core. Which is not only an accurate explanation of Guts’ impact on Griffith pre-eclipse, it also explains the look on Rickert’s face. Because that’s a lot.

Also this page – the emphasis put on Griffith’s “freedom”, the prominence of the panel itself – it speaks to the reader’s assumed understanding of how much and how deeply Griffith had felt for Guts. Because it serves as the moment when the Griffith we knew – who perhaps the reader expected to see again now – is confirmed to be gone.

At least in theory.

The funny thing about it, though, is that while Rickert and the reader know that Griffith was basically obsessed with Guts, Guts doesn’t know that. So when he says he’s free (of the hold Guts had on him), Guts reacts to it as though he’s saying he’s free of guilt over the Hawks. Which in fairness I guess he probably is, but the point is Guts doesn’t really “get” what he’s saying, as usual.

Also, this is what I mean! I’m not saying he isn’t mad at Griffith regardless, but until Griffith blows him off, he’s letting himself be restrained by Rickert – there’s rage, but there’s also a little hesitation, and I think – in that moment when Griffith says he came to see whether he still cared – a bit of hope mixed in there, too. Hope that coming back to the world has brought back more of the person he was – that he won’t be a monster anymore. And it’s evident on his face – Miura was such a master of facial expressions – that’s not even really rage in that bottom panel its something of a plea – a desperation to find something in Griffith that he recognizes. It’s pain, and the need to have Griffith acknowledge that pain and have some kind of reaction to it.

To go back to the my-ex-doesn’t-affect-me-the-same-way metaphor, its like Guts is the ex in that equation and he was kind of hoping they could get back together, but nothing he says or does can make Griffith react to him the way he used to.

It reminds me of that quote from Miura about how Griffith brings out Gut’s will to fight, but also his loneliness.

Which brings us to this:

In all the discussion about whether Griffith has any feelings, it’s kind of odd how no one ever discusses that Griffith never actually said he didn’t have any feelings. Because the conversation was like

Griffith: I came to see whether you can still destabilize me, but as it turns out, no. Guts: Are you saying you don’t feel anything about all that shit you did? Griffith: All I’m saying is that I won’t betray my dream.That’s it, thats all I’m saying.

It’s a trap I I fall into as well – referring to his emotionlessness. To me though it’s always been more about having his feelings blunted than completely eliminated. In any event, it’s a bit of an evasion. Because he never says yes, exactly, I have zero feelings about you or anything else, he just implies that he is no longer controlled by whatever he has going on internally, if anything.

Which, if you think back to the bit above about Guts’ misunderstanding of Griffith’s point, makes the conversation a bit more interesting, because Griffith’s final comment – I won’t betray my dream, that’s all – becomes more of a direct statement about the power Guts has over him:

“Are you saying you don’t feel anything?”

“What I’m saying is that you’re not going to derail me again. That is all that I’m saying.”

And now some visual markers.

How does this series of images confirm that the scene is about Griffith and Guts not Griffith and the Hawks? Well, that’s why we keep going back to Griffith’s calm face while Guts fights for his life against Zodd. We remember the way Griffith reacted to Guts being danger, so his nonreaction serves as an indicator for how much he’s changed.

This is.... one of the things I think people lose when they think he’s a sociopath or a serial rapist or whatever, because Miura did the same thing with Femto’s rape of Casca – he established that Griffith has a history of protecting Casca from sexual assaults, or in the case of Wyald of wanting to so much that he damn near jumped into the fight despite being unable to walk or hold a sword. And while he does seemingly make some kind of move on her in the wagon, when she tells him to stop, he just stops. Yet, the first thing he does as Femto is rape her himself. It’s a narrative shout to the reader that things have changed – he’s changed. If you think he raped Charlotte and tried to rape Casca in the damn wagon you miss this point entirely and if you think Griffith didn’t care about Guts you miss what’s going on in this scene. It’s here to tell us that he’s changed. He’s empty now, he doesn’t care about anything – those boundaries that once confined him, those feelings that bound him, have no pull any longer. There’s literally no other reason to keep going back to that empty expression.

But, the thing is, much like his vague “I’ll not betray my dream,” which may or may not mean what Guts thinks it means, the look itself may be misleading, too. Because...

His dearth of expression is undercut as his face doesn’t change at all even after the story takes a moment to point out specifically that he does feel something. I’m not getting in deep into whether the feelings are his or the baby’s at this specific second because it doesn’t matter for my point which is that Griffith’s face doesn’t change even when he’s feeling some type of way, which means we never really know whether he is or isn’t.

As a sidenote, that actually isn’t too different from his human self, it’s just that back then he’d reach a point where the situation escalates too far and he starts sweating and bugging out. But at first he tended to be pretty stoic.

Which again seems to imply to me that the major change is in the intensity of emotion more than their existence or nonexistence. He reacts, but it never escalates.

Apropos of nothing, I love this panel. Geez Zodd. ...sometimes I wonder what makes some apostles look so bestial in their human form whereas some of them look completely human (e.g. Locus, Rosine, etc). I imagine it’s something to do with choosing their forms or temperament or whatever, but it’s an interesting question. I have so many questions about Apostles in general...

Anyway skipping the fight for the most part since it’s just like grunting and commentary from Rickert.

And this, which is one of my favorite images in the entire series.

There’s the famous “... ... ... ... ...” of significant silence as Griffith contemplates the meaning of his beating heart. And then....

And the fact that something has changed in Griffith’s reaction gets highlighted covering his eyes with his hair – if you look over the way Miura portrayed his hair situation, you’ll find that he did a lot of covering Griffith’s eyes (usually one) with his hair in moments of internal struggle.

So here’s where Casca enters the story with...

I’m not saying Guts is a terrible person for the things he says to Casca sometimes – I do think in this specific instance its how high his emotions are running and what’s going on at the time. But it’s just. Interesting isn’t it? Just the way he insults her kind of foreshadows how he treats her as a burden for... much of the rest of the series, really, but especially until Farnese and Serpico turn up again.

One day I’ll write a thing about my perception of this triangle between Guts, Griffith and Casca – which more or less comes down to “most of them have always been worried about losing the rest of them to each other,” with the sole exception being Griffith’s arguably not caring about losing Casca to Guts so much as he cared about losing Guts to Casca. But really the relationship between them begins with Casca being terrified to lose Griffith to Guts, and then Guts steps back and pushes Griffith and Casca together despite how he feels about it, and then of course during the rescue he worries about losing Casca to Griffith and then them to each other.

Now, what’s going on with this whole situation is kind of different but it also plays on that, because Guts doesn’t know that Griffith is carrying the remains of their son in his body so he interprets Casca’s reaction to Griffith as, well, her reaction to Griffith. Which, considering how that particular relationship ended, can’t be easy for him to see.

As evidenced by his anguished reaction to Casca reaching for Griffith’s face.

And now we proceed to some of the most important pages, I M O, mostly in terms of Guts’ reaction to Griffith because I just wish people would read more closely and look at the art when they’re interpreting things, but anyway woe is me, moving on.

So Griffith’s like, fuck worrying about this baby, I’m out of here. And Guts’ immediate reaction is...

“W... wait! Where’re you...?!”

I mean look his immediate priority isn’t taking a shot at Griffith’s back, it’s not talking smack, and his face isn’t even angry, not even when Griffith first gives his reasoning:

It’s... complicated.

I mean, again, I’m not saying he doesn’t want to beat on Griffith or kill Griffith, I’m aware that he does, just that there’s a lot more going on there and in this moment– in this moment - when he realizes that Griffith is leaving, he isn’t concerned with revenge. He just. Doesn’t want Griffith to leave. Which...

Consistency!

Because I think even at this moment, even now after Griffith said he didn’t care (well implied) and all of that, he still has a corner of him that wants to believe this can be the beginning of something instead of the end. Going back to the exes thing, it’s a situation where a guy (Guts) breaks up with his boyfriiend (Griffith) because he’s going to college and having “experiences,” but it causes a huge fight, but one day they decide go to lunch and catch up but they go into it with different intentions because the guy is kind of hoping they can work it out, but the boyfriend has already moved on with his life.

This becomes even more evident in a few pages but for now...

As noted, he doesn’t even acknowledge Rickert on panel until he’s finished dealing with Guts and is ready to get to the next thing.

And it’s only then – after Griffith decided to take off in the middle of their reunion and blew him off when he objected, that Guts finds his anger again.

And I’ve seen some people wonder why he extends this offer to Rickert but not to Guts. I think that’s a pretty easy one to cover, though. A few things.

First, Rickert isn’t a sacrifice. You can’t bring Guts around the apostles and Griffith’s supernatural mojo even if he were willing to go, he reads as food to them.

Second, Rickert wasn’t in the Eclipse. As such, there’s still a chance that he can deal and put it aside – and in fact Rickert didn’t really decide what to do until the last minute, so yeah there was presumably a chance that it could go the other way.

Third and arguably most importantly, Guts is incredibly dangerous to Griffith. He’s the Achilles’ Heel that took him down twice in the past. Even after his ascension he was unable to make himself hurt Guts. Now Griffith has come all this way to make sure he didn’t care anymore... and ended up realizing that for whatever reason, he does. There’s no way he’d invite that into his world even if there were a chance that Guts would accept, which there isn’t, which is the last thing.

Fourth, why waste his breath?

“Wait, Ariel, didn’t you just say you think Guts kind of wanted to make up with Griffith?” Yeah, and I meant that, but I think in order to bridge that gap, wide as it is, Guts needs things from Griffith that Griffith isn’t giving him - arguably isn’t even capable of giving him. Because unless Griffith could tell him he regrets it, that he made a mistake, and that he still cares about Guts himself, there’s no ground to gain there. And he won’t. So there isn’t.

It’s like a roller coaster with Guts and his feelings about Griffith – the anger comes and subsides and comes and subsides, largely dependent on what Griffith is doing.

I feel like here and also to a lesser but still significant degree in the meeting with Femto back in the Black Swordsman arc, Guts’ initial reaction to Griffith is... anger but almost like an anger that’s slightly hesitant – he’s easily discouraged in this case, he’s blocked by Rickert and all of that. And then he looks for something of the original Griffith – its like a hostile interrogation – look at you up there putting on godly airs, what do you mean you don’t feel anything, feel something, how can you say that, what do you mean I don’t matter?! And when that fails to provoke the response he wants and Griffith inevitably basically says go away insect, that’s when the real anger comes... mostly to swallow the pain.

I see a lot of people saying that this is Griffith admitting he was an evil monster the whole time and literally nothing about him has changed. I think that’s a bit of a stretch – he’s talking about how Guts is the only person who would know that he’s ruthless when he has to be, but of course when he did that around Guts in the past, he was visibly shaken by the need to do so and asked if it made him a terrible person.

My point is I don’t think he’s making a comment on his dearth of emotion as a human person – he’s just saying that even despite having done awful things, he isn’t going to stop. It doesn’t really matter whether he feels badly about it or not -- I don’t think he does, but it also doesn’t matter that he doesn’t feel guilty just like it didn’t matter that he did feel guilty in the past. Griffith is, and has always been, able to cut some throats and keep it pushing. And Guts – only Guts – would know that about him.

It’s a sort of similar situation to another thing people use to make that “Griffith was always a sociopath” argument – Rickert saying that NeoGriffith is “different, but somehow more Griffith than before.” As in “oh he masked off and revealed his evil and Rickert realizes that this demon guy is more of Griffith’s true self than he’d seen before” I guess. Which I think is s silly interpretation, but I guess we’ll get into that when it comes up. But, preview I guess, I think it’s clearly Rickert comparing NeoGriffith’s embodiment of the White Hawk image – the impression Griffith left (and attempted to leave) of a large than life aloof hero driven primarily by his dreams” – to human Griffith, who was those things but in a less “pure” form due to his human frailties, self-doubts and attachments.

But I also think his saying that, his claim that the current heart-poor version of him is the same as he always was, is part of the reason Guts is able to “let him go.” Because Guts does this thing where whenever he gets more information about Griffith he tries to integrate that information into his views, and it ends up changing everything about his perception of Griffith’s personality and his behavior. And you can literally see it happening on the page:

Originally, he was confused about why Griffith kept risking his own life for Guts, and Griffith said “I have no reason, it’s just for you” and Guts reworked his understanding of Griffith and their relationship in his head.

And then he heard Promrose, and he recontextualized everything again - suddenly he was wrong, they weren’t friends, he was just being stupid. This is where he develops this view that Griffith is “the boundless hawk,” who is “always taking” and "would never come down to the land where we crawl.” At this point he’s chasing Griffith the way his child self used to chase Gambino - I’m not saying Griffith’s his metaphorical father or anything, I’m saying Griffith becomes the hero that he wants to be seen, valued, and validated by.

Then during the rescue he starts to understand Griffith again and begins to realize that Griffith wasn’t cruel, wasn’t cold. He wasn’t anything like Gambino, he really did care, and Guts was wrong about him the whole time. This is when he gets the closest to fully understanding Griffith’s motivations - to the point where just before the Eclipse actually occurs he is finally starting to see how much of Griffith’s... self rests in his hands - that maybe his absence is what caused Griffith’s fall. But then...

After the Sacrifice, Guts pulls a Berserk fan: he can’t understand how someone could care and still make this choice, and all the things that made him dazzling become evidence of his ability to be heartless.

That brings us here, because ever since the Eclipse, in both his meeting with Femto and this meeting with NeoGriffith, Guts searches for reasons to recontextualize his understanding again. He demands to know how Griffith feels, whether he cares, does he regret anything, how can he be so calm about this, how can he be so dismissive. It’s anger, but he’s also trying to understand so he knows what to think about both Femto/Griffith as he is now and about Griffith as he was, then.

The issue is that when Griffith says, “I dont care about you, I don’t care about them, I’m just going to go conquer things and no I don’t feel about about it,” and then follows that up with “You of all people should know is and has always been the way I am...”

Guts kind of gets his answer. And if he operates under the assumption that Griffith has always been this person - the person who could rape Casca just to hurt Guts, the person who could straightforwardly say he doesn't care about all the people he fed to demons - then honestly what is there to hold onto?

I mean, he’s wrong. Griffith obviously has been changed by the loss of his... softer pieces. I don’t want to keep calling it humanity because of all my ranting about Berserk’s humans recently, but you know what I mean. But even if he’s wrong, he isn’t aware of it, hey. And that facilitates his ability to kind of let go, at least to the degree that he does which is marginal anyway. And while it doesn’t really eliminate the ambivalence entirely, but it does let his emotional conflict settle a little.

tl;dr: he’s just being wrong again, but what else is new.

Anyway!

So now I’m going to take a moment to talk about what I didn’t talk about before, namely whether Griffith’s emotions derive from the infant.

I think they do, and also they don’t.

The thing is, way back before there were any demon babies, Femto had already failed to attack Skull Knight specifically because Guts would have gotten caught in the attack. And, given that when Guts asks him directly if he has zero feelings he doesn’t answer the question but rather evades it, I think it seems probable that Griffith does retain some emotion – it’s enough that, no matter how vague and distanced, it made him hesitate and thus saved Guts’ life. This is also, I think, the reason Femto is such a petty bitch around Guts – the guidebook even notes that Femto goes out of his way to do things to humiliate or hurt Guts, “perhaps due to the complicated feelings he harbored prior to reincarnation.”

That said, it does seem likely that Femto/Griffith’s emotions are extremely blunted – frozen so to speak – and that the child acts as an enhancer, or that its feelings mix in with his, or its impulses influence his actions, or all of the above. In that sense you could say the baby is the chain that holds him, but I don’t see how his own feelings could be completely void without a retcon which, I mean, maybe there’s a retcon, I have no idea.

Also people like to say the manga states directly that the feelings all come from the kid, but it’s Griffith that says it, and it’s not exactly unGriffithlike behavior to deny his own feelings or explain them away.

So right now smart money for me is on “Griffith has feelings but they are dulled and the infant catalyzes them and influences his behavior,” but I’m open.

Casca magically sensing her kid so fucking weird.

“I was... I’m a Hawk too.” I love that even after everything with Griffith, they really... still identify that same way. Even way in the future when Rickert confronts Griffith in Falconia, he doesn’t disavow the human leader he followed, only the demon that leader became. Guts’ reaction is a little more complicated, but even he conceptualized them as the Hawks with Casca as the leader and himself as the Raider Captain going to seek the enemy) when he first set out.

I love the footprints in the snow. I mean I realize Miura made it snowy because of the bit in a few pages and that obviously the snow would involve footprints, but ever since the snow duel, footprints in the snow have sort of represented paths and choices for me, at least when it comes to Berserk. In this moment, Rickert is kind of faced with the same decision Guts is dealing with – to go after revenge or to protect the girl. And Rickert is who he is, which is why he obviously struggled with it less than Guts does.

I really wonder what he would have done if Zodd didn’t collapse the cave.

Because even though he says he won’t leave her again, that’s what he said when he set off for the Tower to begin with, and then he was like yeah idk maybe I should ditch. Even now he’s thinking about other places he could drop her – other elf dwellings - and Puck even picks up that he’s considering just locking her up again.

Then... when they finally started for Elfhelm... he decided to focus on her and get her to safety, but he was obviously struggling with the desire to drop her off there and leave. People like to say he chose to protect her over pursuing vengeance, which he did but I do not think that was ever going to last and what’s more I don’t think he *really* intended it to. He was never going to like, settle down in Elfhelm with her. He may have considered it, he may have even told himself he would... but he wouldn’t. He couldn’t.

And I do think it’s evident that he knew that on some level.

No point here, just lolz.

Okay we’re in the home stretch, this is a long rambles session, sorry about that.

Wow look at all that simple and uncomplicated pure hatred.

But seriously, we come back around to what I was saying earlier – even though Guts hates him and wants to kill him, he also wants.... him back in his life?? I don’t know how else to put it. Guts feels dismissed and deserted. He abandoned Griffith and thus was abandoned in turn. You don’t describe yourself as abandoned/deserted by someone unless you feel their loss - but more than that, he explicitly draws a parallel between the way he abandoned Griffith, who desperately wanted him to stay (and engaged him in violence to that effect, for that matter), and now, when Griffith has abandoned him despite his vioiently desperate attempts to make him stay.

Also, in a minute I’ll explain this, but he views the loss of his friend as his own fault – a result of his own actions, his decision to walk away. Because again, there was a part of him hoping for a reconciliation. I will die on that snowy hill.

From there...

So I went back to the Japanese on this because sometimes the specifics of the Japanese phrasing clarifies what’s being said/done for me. As I always say, I’m not fluent in Japanese, I do my best, I’m not perfect, correct if necessary but...

What he says that’s translated a “I won’t lose you” is “I wont forfeit” with furigana that says “lose.” Also as is typical in Japanese it leaves out the pronouns but I do think that kind of changes the narrative just slightly, and no I’m not going to say he’s not talking about her, he’s obviously talking about her.

It’s just...

He’s thinking about the way he abandoned Griffith, which now leads to him being abandoned by Griffith, which leads to him kind of reflecting on that relationship - the distance that's between them, the destruction of that relationship that resulted from his having left Griffith behind. Then he looks at Casca and remembers her reaching for Griffith, which evokes that old fear of loss.

Which brings him back to how he'd abandoned her, too. And this is why I find the use of “forfeit” important – because forfeiting is to suffer a penalty as a result of a mistake or general wrongdoing or breaking of rules. And he’s using the same terminology for what he is not going to do to Casca... as he does for what Griffith has done to him.

So basically what I’m getting is that he perceives his relationship with Griffith as something he lost as a result of his having made a mistake/committed a wrongdoing and, recognizing that he almost did the same thing to Casca, he decides he isn’t going to repeat that mistake.

And I mean, again it’s about her, but not unlike the time he said he wouldn’t lose the flame and it was translated as him not wanting to lose Casca, it does kind of change the narrative in a negative way. Guts’s arc regarding personal relationships is that he goes from someone who values no one and is valued by no one to someone who is able to recognize that there are people he loves and needs, and people who love and need him. And his ability to face that and deal with the reality that his actions affect those people is what ultimately spurs him to change his behaviors.

-Guts leaves the Hawks, and as a result he loses Griffith AND the Hawks.

-He leaves Casca, and as a result when he comes back to Godo’s cave she’s run away and he nearly loses her.

-When he leaves to go get her, he doesn’t bother to look back at Godo, and when he gets back Godo has died.

It’s a repeating pattern - a series of actions that trigger losses that ultimately bring him to the point where he decides he can’t keep doing this or he’s going to end up with no one and nothing. And even though the outcome is the same: Guts decides he isn't going to throw Casca away because he won't lose any more people he loves, making it about losing her specifically makes it read as though he’s motivated by his romansu. And you can tell people read it that way because people who read it in english thinks he’s... motivated by his romance with her.

But that... misses the point of his journey and wastes the buildup of all those losses. It isn’t just about her. It’s about him and the way he treats people, and his growing understanding that he has to change.

Finally, before we go...

It’s kind of fascinating the way Griffith is still remembered as the savior of Midland – their guardian angel.

I guess this is a bit out of nowhere, but people’s hate for Sonia is so bizarre to me. If there’s anything I understand even less than disliking a character because they did something mean to a character I like, it’s disliking a character because they like a character I dislike. Sonia herself is just an innocent psychic teenager who can hear the whispers of the world.

I don’t know that I will ever have anything interesting to say about Silat, so...

I’ll leave you here.

...is that a magical horse? Inquiring minds want to know.

#berserk #berserk meta #rambles about berserk #ariel talks about berserk

53 notes · View notes