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rboooks · 10 months

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The bakery is a front....right? PART 4

Dedicated to @foxy-tea. Thank you for your lovely words!

Danny didn't want to do it, but he had to admit that his mating season peak had arrived and could not work in that condition. It wasn't that Danny was like a cat in heat, wanting to engage in intercourse all the time.

No, his body craved a life partner and a child to smother in fierce paternal love. It was a bit worse if you asked him. If he just manwhore his way through the city over three months, well, they would just whisper about how easy he was.

A bit embarrassing but not uncommon for someone with Danny's good looks.

Instead, his mating season made him a would-be kidnapper.

He had to physically slam a hot pot of coffee on his hand a week ago when a customer had walked in with a baby, and Phantom had tried to leap over the counter to take the babbling bundle of joy as his own.

Not to mention how Phantom reacted to some of his youngest delivery employees. He hadn't realized he was mumbling "Mine. mine. mine. mine. mine" while approaching Manolo for his latest delivery until Peter had stepped into his path with the dirtiest glare Danny had ever seen.

The punch to his throat hadn't knocked the wind out of him- since Phantom had stopped his breathing three days prior - but it was enough to get Danny out of the daydreams of tucking Manolo into bed after a cup of tea and a bedtime story.

We could teach him to bake. We can teach him to ride a bike. We can sit through all his school performances, no matter how bad they are. We could be his dad. Phantom had cried as Manolo had thrown himself between Peter and Danny, his little arms spread wide to protect him. Let me have the child! Manolo is mine! He's mine to love, mine to protect!

Danny had never had such trouble getting Phantom to settle.

In seconds, Peter was quickly surrounded by Andres' friends and the rest of Danny's staff. He had taken a fighter position, looking around like an animal about to maul its victims while Danny wrestled with himself to get control.

He and Phantom are not two separate personalities fighting for control but one person with conflicting instincts.

One of a human's most basic instincts is self-preservation. A ghost's most basic instinct is self-fulfillment.

Danny did not want things to become a free-for-all where someone could get hurt. Phantom tried to fight them all to claim the kids under his protection.

Thankfully, everything was deescalated by Jazz's timely arrival. Danny couldn't really remember what she had done (too busy struggling to hold himself as a human and not go ghost to become the most excellent dad to ever dad). Still, if there was one gift Jazz had, it was being able to reason with spirits about their obsessions.

If she could convince beings whose entire existence depended on being stubborn about a particular subject, she could persuade humans of anything.

Peter had been allowed to leave with no injuries, and even two days paid off, while the rest had realized that the man had just acted out of PTSD due to what Jazz called "projecting trauma in safe settings."

There were a lot of people in this area that understood what PTSD episodes did to them and had not faulted Petter. Manolo even gave Peter a small crocheted fox to help him overcome the fear.

(Danny had given the small fox plushy to Manolo when the kid first arrived at his bakery, proclaiming it had a protective spell to keep fear away. He had yet to be aware the boy carried around with him.)

Jazz had then taken Danny to his apartment, where she had placed him in quarantine. She had been informed by Frost Bite during their bi-weekly mentor/protegee meetings- Jazz was studying under the Yeti in Ghost Psychology- that Danny's Peak had arrived. Danny would jack up his "I need to be a dad" and "I need to be a husband" urges to Fruitloop levels.

Danny would try to force someone into that role if he was around humans or ghosts, even if it was against their will. Ugh, he would be a Vlad 2.0 for a full two weeks!

He could not risk himself around others. So with a heavy heart, he informed his employees he would be stepping away for a two-week long vacation and had made it seem like he left on a plane to visit Jazz overseas.

His staff would take care of the bakery for him, but it saddened Danny he could not be there to help with things. He then sealed off all entries to his apartment and informed the residents of the Ghost zone he was in, "Mating Peak retreat," so no one would bother him past a few already mated servants of the Ghost King.

They would bring him supplies and requests through a no-contact portal once he ordered them through a magical catalog. It was like online shopping for ghosts.

Danny now had to wait two weeks for this to finally go away, and he could go about his ordinary daily life of being perfectly dead and alive. Until it happened again the following year.

Elli told him to be grateful it was only a yearly thing, not a monthly deal. He shuddered at the mere thought of experiencing this every month.

Done! Phantom cheers snapping Danny back to reality. In his hands are a pair of freshly crocheted booties. He hadn't even been aware he was making them.

They look great, Danny tells Phantom, turning them in his hands to smile at the giant sunflowers on each side. A button was used as the center of the flowers, and Phantom even included a few lace designs around them to look like leaf vines.

They are based on the park's flowers.

The park?

Yes, the park where you promised to take me today! Phantom goes from calmly talking to screaming, and Danny winces.

You know I can't go outside. You'll just try to steal a child from the park.

I would never forget to also steal a wife or husband!

Danny sighs, rubbing his face knowing he was telling himself that forgetting a spouse was worse than the idea of kidnapping people. He places the booties on top of an ever-growing pile. Since his quarantine has begun, Danny has made about two hundred pairs of various styles, sizes, and colors.

Danny looks around at the piles and piles of other of his crocheting projects. He's got sweaters, scarves, gloves, socks, hats, beanies, and even blazers for various genders, ages, and styles meant to help with the coldest winter. He could adequately dress his whole street and still have some left over.

All prepared for his nonexisting family.

He has been making them at the same speed he can fly, i.e., 200 mph. He's made some yarn dealers in the zone extremely wealthy. He can't help it, though. Danny has frozen every inch of his apartment too far too cold levels for an average human without proper wear.

He's been working fast because his human mind knew that the cold was terrible for his lover and children, so it wanted to keep them nice and warm. While his ghost side added layers of snow to the floor and ice to the walls, he even made decorative ice sculptures that he desperately reorganized again and again to find the perfect balance of the cold. Only his electronics were not frozen over, so even his furniture had layers of ice- some with designs to make them look fancier.

He's also cooked up a storm in preparation for feeding his family. Only to realize a spouse and kids were not coming, thus forcing him to donate his meals to the ghost delivery people. They were ever so happy to have five-course meals shoved at them just for bringing the king more yarn.

Danny throws himself face-first into the pile of snow from his couch, allowing the softness to cushion his fall. There is a terrible itch under the skin. It's begging him to leave to find someone to kiss and worship. Unwillingly, Alvin's face appears in his mind before he turns over and stares at his ceiling. He's made all the constellations into small carvings on the ice. I can't go outside. I can watch another movie or make more bagels instead.

Watching another romance movie won't bring me a mate! Phantom hisses.

I know but-

Suddenly Danny senses flair as someone crosses over his wards. Sitting up in alarm, Danny makes a break for his room as even more people join the first and break into his guest room through a window. Not that he can't take whoever they are, but if he comes face to face with them-well, Danny thinks he may keep them.

That's not something he's willing to risk.

Phantom is already throwing out some severe pheromones that would likely infatuate them to Danny, babbling about this being their chance. Four adults- spouses!- and a child- a son or daughter!- have entered their main haunt. They had to give them food and warm clothes and cuddle them until they never left!

No!

He can't force them to stay!

He had to make them stay even if it meant chaining them!

No, they would be miserable!

Phantom could make them happy forever!

The effort to stay in his human control took so much effort Danny started to aggressively twitch as he fumbled with the hidden room in the back of an old wardrobe. He's breathing heavily, trying to get his blurry vision to focus so he can open the darn thing and get in. Finally, it does, and Danny just barely closes it when a figure bursts through the door.

He watches through a small crack as the figure carefully looks over his frozen domain. It's one of the vigilantes. Red Robin.

What is he doing here?

The man walks into his room, leaving behind disruptive snow that goes up his ankles.

Thank the Ancients, his footprints do not appear in his own snow. Otherwise, a perfect trail would lead the hero straight to him. Instead, he watches with a hand over his mouth as Red Robin carefully searches his room.

Danny cuts off his need to breathe as the sound would give him away. Still, he's twitching so much that he's practically shaking as the hero carefully breaks the ice over his drawers and pulls out his clothes in quick, careful movements.

Go away. Go away. Go away. Danny thinks desperately. He should have tried calling someone. Jazz. Ellie. Even his parents or Vlad!

None of them would cause his instincts to want to force them to play house- though he would likely still try to imprison them since he would like to protect them non the less.

But they could at least do something and get the poor vigilante somewhere safe!

Never leave. Never leave. Never leave. Phantom purrs, and oh no, an intense burst of pheromones is sent through the room. Red Robin freezes; from what little Danny can see of his face, it's flushed red, and gosh, he wants to smother that man in so much love-

"Guys, I think I came in contact with the drug," Red Robin pants after pressing his hand to his ear. "I don't know how, but I am definitely feeling something. Think it's airborne, but not sure."

He doesn't finish his sentence before Redhood and Nightwing are suddenly in his room. Nightwing has a gas mask over his face while Red Hood swings a gun around the room, looking for a target.

Danny almost whines at the gentle way Nightwing helps Red Robin into a sitting position. He's looking him over with such loving protection that he- that Danny- Phantom wants him- wants a husband-!

"Shit," Red Hood hisses, body pushing back as if some strong wind had hit him. "Yeah, it's definitely in this room. Felt a bit of it, even with my built-in filters. Wing?"

"Did the room get colder?" Nightwing asks as he helps Red Robbin to his feet. The other man seems to be feeling better with his gas mask, but he must still be effect by Phantom's pheromones.

"The wardrobe." Red Robin gasps, pointing unknowingly right at Danny. "The ice around it is getting bigger. And...it's leaking."

What? Danny looks down only to see in horror a knocked-over jar of fresh ectoplasm. He hadn't even been aware he had broken the thing when he crawled here.

The jars were the ones that he gathered with Jazz and Ellie after a three-day foraging trip. All ghosts were made of Ecoplasim, but just like you couldn't stick blood into someone without being comparable, you couldn't use any random ectoplasm for other people- humans or ghosts.

It had to be some of the purest natural kind, not linked to any type of beings, like a river of ectoplasm or the frozen pillars in the farthest parts of the Far Frozen. Giving someone ectoplasm from one's body could taint them in the donator's obsession.

Yes, Danny could make more people protective of each other, but it would likely cause them to be Fruitloop-level protective. They just didn't have the filter like he did to not go mad.

That pure kind was now leaking out of his hiding place and into the white snow of his main lair.

Danny only has a second to panic before the door is wrenched open, and he falls into a stunned Red Robin.

He goes limp from the shock as Phantom purrs, settling in his mind now that he's pressed against a possible mate. Like Danny said, it's not intercourse his ghost side is after, it's close contact, and this is enough to satisfy it.

"Shit, it's Danny. He-he's not breathing, and he's ice cold. I think he's de-dead." Red Robin says in what sounds like tears.

No. My husband is sad. Danny and Phantom think, a terrible pulse of pain bursting across his chest. He can't get his body to move to offer comfort, though. It's been a whole week since he last saw someone in person, and this is so nice. Why did he ever fight this instinct? It felt so good to give in.

He could stay in Red Robin's arms forever.

Red Robin was never going to see the clear sky again. He was never leaving this apartment.

"I found something," Red Hood's voice is behind him. "It looks like it is Lazarus' water, but it's clearer. I think this is our drug. Danny must have ODed."

"No! He can't- we have to do something!" Red Robin cries, and Danny slumps further against him like a broken doll. He's not blinking. Blinking is for humans. Danny isn't a human.

His unfocused eyes stare at wherever Red Robin has him positioned to look.

"There is nothing we can do, Red Robin," A new voice says though not unkindly. Phantom doesn't turn his head but can see Batman walk up behind Red Robin, wearing his gas mask. He places his hand on the trembling vigilante. "You need to put him down."

"No!" Phantom purs as the arms around his shoulders bring them closer to his husband's body.

"It's too late for him, Drake. We can only honor his death."

That....that was a voice of a child. A child is in his main haunt.

Phantom wails in joy.

He gets out of his husband's arms, leaping over Batman, and his arms are around a boy in red, green, and yellow. Phantom smothers his face against the hood covering the boy's head, and short sobs rank his body. "My baby! You're my baby!"

"Unhand me!" His little grunts slamming a knife into Phantom's side, but that doesn't matter because Phantom has his son and his husband in his nest.

A bullet harmlessly passes through his forehead after a loud bang, creating a hole in Phantom's wall. He'll take care of that after he smothers his baby in cuddles.

Nightwing swings a baton at Phantom, but that, too, passes through his body without harm.

"Shit! Danny put him down!"

Huh, was that Sam?

"Danny, I mean it. Drop him!"

Oh, Tucker too!

"Daniel Fenton, you let that boy go right now!" Jazz sounded upset. Maybe she should hold his baby. "Are you listening to me?"

"Danny is not here right now." He hears his body say.

"Ohhhhh. That's not good. Okay, Danny time for a nap!" Ellie flies into his face, her hand glowing green and he has a moment to gasp at the betrayal before she blasts him.

He drops, knowing no more.

(Part 1), (Part 2), (Part 3), (Part 5)

#dc x dp crossover #the bakery is a front!...right?#Part 4 #Danny's mating stage reaches it's peak #Phantom and Danny's perfect balance was disrupted.#Team Phantom got a notification that someone broke the wards #Danny is nesting #The bats shouldn't have broken in #Hope you like!

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theneighborhoodwatch · 25 days

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Serious question, not trying to start a fight: If you're aware of the possibility of Wally and Home's relationship being like that of family, and you've made it clear you don't ship incest, why risk shipping them together at all, even if it's in a "toxic yuri" sort of way?

traffic was so bad that i was an hour late to class so now you all get to watch me poke this bear. response under the cut for discussions of familial abuse, incest, and a brief mention of csa.

serious answer: the home that exists as a representation of a past that never was/never will be again, or as a representation of The House Of American Suburbia Fame built with the intent of superseding the need for/being directly responsible for all of its inhabitant's other relationships (platonic, romantic, familial, etc.) existing, and the home that exists as a representation Specifically of an abusive family member, exist in two separate planes of reality to me. these planes are not above each other, i think. they are on the same level of plausibility. but they do not overlap, and the fact is that i am simply much more interested in the former than the latter. i realize that "i think the more popular fanon interpretation of them as parent and child is boring" is kind of a flippant answer to a question as heavy as this but, well. i do think that interpretation is pretty boring lol. also probably doesn't help that i see it get used to infantilize wally a lot. a mutual obsession whose end goal of total social supersession can never be fulfilled without coming at a great cost to one or both parties is something i find much more compelling, and gives much more agency to both parties.

in the hypothetical event that these two realities Do end up intersecting, however - even in the event that they intersect in a way where i could interpret their dynamic to be that of incestuous abuse - well. i would simply no longer be comfortable calling it a ship! that does not mean i would no longer be interested in analyzing their relationship; horror is all about exploring the Unpleasantries of life, after all. but the approach and the language would change; i would no longer be comfortable exploring it through the lens of shipping, i personally find that pretty distasteful. i believe that just because it is A lens through which people have analyzed that type of dynamic before does not mean it is the Ideal lens - far from it, in my experience as a (former) child with sexual trauma who grew up on the internet. but i digress. the fact of the matter right now is that nothing has happened that would cause such a shift in behavior for me. ergo, i intend to live it up for as long as i can and declare that wally and home's relationship is both one that cannot be defined by paltry human terms and one so intense and passionate that it will also go up in flames bright enough to make fleetwood motherfucking mac collectively fall to their knees and weep.

also, a funnier but still serious alternate answer: i spent nearly my entire adolescence as a husk of a person, and what ultimately got me out of it was getting into smile for me at age 18 - and subsequently, the rest of yugo limbo's work. i was reborn and reshaped in the objectum trenches. this did not necessarily make me objectum in turn, but i feel i owe something to that crowd as a result.

#anonymous #ask #soapboxing #i'm not putting this in the fandom tags and im not making it rebloggable bc my goal is to hold my audience hostage #not get assassinated

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system-of-a-feather · 2 months

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Are you still accepting asks about late stage DID recovery? I (host of a DID system in more early to mid stage recovery) have some questions about it, if you're comfortable answering (some of them might be too personal and I understand that).

What is communication like when you're Fei? Like, can you still feel and talk to yourselves as distinct? For example say one of you gets anxious about something, can you pinpoint "this is who is feeling anxious" and talk to them to reassure them, or does it feel like ALL of you are anxious and it's just everybody's feeling all at once, and talking to them feels like self-talk?

Do any of you (especially those who have tended to be more different from the rest of the system) feel like you've lost any of yourself and the things that make you you, when you're fused?

Especially regarding #1, do you know how your experience compares to people who say they've reached final fusion? Like other than it being temporary, is there anything that makes it distinct? And same question for functional multiplicity I guess.

Do you/any of you ever get scared/worried about the possibility of someday not being able to separate or even not being able to identify yourselves as separate consciousnesses? And if no, is that because you don't see that as possible for you, because even if it did happen it wouldn't scare you, or both?

There are a couple of vloggers with DID whose content we've been watching since pretty early into our diagnosis because it was comforting to us to see systems who could put words to things we had experienced and show us that things might not always be as hard as they were in those early days of system awareness. But one of them has just unexpectedly had her whole entire system fuse together in the span of like 2 months, despite that she wasn't aiming for final fusion (she didn't have a specific goal picked out as far as that)... and the other is coming back from hiatus and shared that they had a fusion that none of the system, including BOTH the alters who fused together, had wanted. And hearing those things freaked us out.

We're just now at a point of feeling like most of us know who we are, most of us can trust that the rest of the system has each other's backs, that kind of thing. For many of us, we can love ourselves as a whole (the way we exist right now though, a fragmented whole) and as individual consciousnesses, and we love each other like family.

But every single aspect of who we are as "people," how we function in the world together as a "whole person," how we communicate and relate to one another... every single thing about it would change if we fused, you know? I know people say that you don't lose anything or anyone when a fusion happens, but the fact is, no one involved in the fusion exists in the same way they used to anymore after it happens. (Or so my understanding of it is.) And that's a very scary and painful thing to think about for us right now.

I feel like 90% of the time, our communication and teamwork goes so smoothly. I wouldn't say we're close to functional multiplicity, because there are still a number of us who have little to no communication with each other (and I know I'm still not even aware of everyone in the system), but we're finally at a point of feeling stronger together, caring about each other, most of us trusting each other to have our backs, and that kind of thing. And hearing other systems talk about unexpected -- and especially unwanted -- fusions, well... yeah. That scares me.

If we ever reach a point where fusion feels natural and like something we want, we're trying to stay open to the idea of that and we think we'd accept it at that point. But we absolutely would want it to be something that we got to choose, and that happened because we wanted it to happen. You know? The idea that if we process through our trauma and keep working together well, that one day we might just... fuse without wanting to or deciding to... it freaks me out.

Thank you for bearing with this long message lol.

Ayeee Im gonna reply as I read this (I skimmed the first half and decided Id just write as I read); so keep that in context when reading my reply.

What is communication like when you're Fei?

So we actually went on a small tangent below the cut in this post about it cause we were thinking about it as Fei and found it interesting when we paid more attention to how we communicate. But generally when we are Fei we just kinda don't *need* to explicitly communicate or rather, in other terms, focus on paying attention to the communication we are having internally. A lot of it happens smoothly and fast to where a lot of the time it just kinda floats in our head quietly and passes through while we are acting and thus we don't always fully actively attend to the back and forth. As a result, if we aren't meaning to pay attention to it, it often gets kind of "brushed over" in how we internally interpret the communication to be kind of summarized in a more singular identity than specifically paying attention to which part is saying what.

The underlying conversation between parts is still there and if I reflect back and focus more into what was going on in my head, I can absolutely identify the individual parts and the interactions and even BE the individual parts, but usually - when I'm not intentionally looking closely at my thoughts - it's just "Oh I don't want to do that, but you know, I DO want to do that and I could do it better if I was in more of a [part] headspace so I'll let that part win over and so now I do want to do that" when underneath it there was a lot of banter between the "dominant" part at the time (in the post above, Riku) and the other part that would be better to have (in the post above, Chunn). It's only when I actively double took my own thoughts did I go "hey wait a minute that was a funny banter"

Like, can you still feel and talk to yourselves as distinct?

Yeah sometimes. A lot of the time unless something particularly comes up or sparks the interest of a specific part, usually we just kind of exist as a whole, but the second anything interesting comes up, parts tend to rear their head and blabber like they want. It doesn't usually feel as intensely like a whole separate part necessarily, but the distinction is pretty clear even then and its kinda funny as Fei sometimes cause I'm like "Lol [part brain] and [other part brain] are bantering". It's kinda like having mixed feelings I think but with a lot more respect to the complexities, identities, and histories that back the sources of those mixed feelings. I can hear and watch and feel and talk with the parts of myself that generate the mixed feelings and even see and visualize them without them Not Being Me. I am Chunn, I am Riku, I am XIV, I am Ray, I am all of them all at once but also at the same time, I could very easily just choose to be just one of them if I wanted because in the end, they're all me.

For example say one of you gets anxious about something, can you pinpoint "this is who is feeling anxious" and talk to them to reassure them, or does it feel like ALL of you are anxious and it's just everybody's feeling all at once, and talking to them feels like self-talk?

Yes to both. It's kind of hard to explain how it is Both, but firstly, absolutely we almost always can tell which part is feeling anxious as a whole and usually other parts do step in to help lessen their anxiety and help them soothe and talk through it 100%. If I didn't have that I would loose my mind and that is unironically coming from all of our parts. At this point basically everyone in our system is so deeply supportive and looking out for one another and it's really the only way a lot of us have been able to find any peace with how each individual part tends to be such a huge extreme and prone to bouts of really bad self care or maladaptive behavior when left on their own. So we really rely on each other to call each other out, support each other, step in when a part is struggling and cover for one another. Even as a unified whole, its very essential to be looking out for one another and being diligent over eachother's needs - it just kind of comes from a much "higher up" kind of eagle-view lens than a 'on the ground lens' for a lack of better words.

We keep an eye out for each other through a sort of collective lens rather than independently from disconnected views. And so we do notice when one part is agitated or on their shit and usually we can shift around parts to support and help regulate that part as they need. And we do still talk out loud, and it is both to ourselves and to the part at the same time and it feels both like self-soothing and like soothing another person and like being soothed by another person. The best thing is that you get both the joy and dopamine of being a supportive person for someone you care about AND the warmth and dopamine of being supported by someone you care about at the same time.

I never feel alone with myself.

Do any of you (especially those who have tended to be more different from the rest of the system) feel like you've lost any of yourself and the things that make you you, when you're fused?

Naaaah. We have the side system that is usually sleeping both when we are a whole and when we aren't that does sometimes - when fronting - feel out of place a bit because our life is not as centered around those parts being largely engaged parts of ourselves but even they wouldn't say they are "lost" at all

I mean to some degree, it might be somewhat because we are buddhist and don't really believe in the "concept of self / I / me" and don't really define ourselves in any way other than "whatever I am right now", but we just get to do and be everything all at once. Everyone is still here and everyone here can really just become the prominent part or even a completely dominant part and they will be 100% in their natural glory. Riku's disgusting optimism and stubbornness is still here. XIV's loud and obtuse opinionated ass is here. Chunn's "what do you mean you don't do weed you act stoned 24/7" headass is here. Lucille's lack of ability to respond to a tease in a way that doesn't make it funnier is still here. It's just kinda like we can just toggle whats expressed the most at any time.

From what I've heard its actually pretty similar? It's pretty hard to tell what with how complex internal experiences are and how you can only really communicate them through the limited confines of human speech and language, but from what I've read it seems to be pretty common with a lot of people who have reached final fusion.

I do think our perspective on self and life has a large impact on how we like to perceive and operate ourself because - between being AAPI and a buddhist - we have a very very very low value and concern for the concept of identity and individuality and largely do embrace a very fluid, open and ever changing idea of self. As part of our own life perspective and self care and practice, we do actively put effort to removing the concept of "I" and individualism from our lives because we find it just tends to cause more stress than its worth (and also play into the hands of capitalism and just a lot of things we hate about Western American society but I am gonna SMOTHER the XIV brain that wants to go off on that because its NOT the point of this post) so in THAT sense

I do think there is an element of "uniqueness" to the way we operate due to our very core value for fluidity, removal of the concept of "I", and active intent to practice appreciating and enjoying the world as parts of a whole not only in terms of DID but as a part of the world. The way we interact with our DID is about the same way we like to interact with the world and try to interact with the people in our lives, so those sorts of things are non-negligible aspects of how final fusion and functional multiplicity work for us compared to others that might not have as much of an approach to life.

At the core I think it's basically the same, we just enjoy a different perspective in life that tends to also reflect a lot in how we experience ourselves and our symptoms.

Before? Absolutely. Especially when we were first figuring it out and trying to learn how to hold Fei longer AND willingly re-seperate if we wanted to. It was actually absolutely terrifying at first because we had spent our whole life being specific parts and a lot of us were kind of terrified on what it would be like if anything got botched or screwed up or if only some parts fused and others didn't and it ruined the stability and synergies we had built up and god, the anxiety and catastrophization of it all is endless.

It used to be TERRIFYING and there were times we struggled to re-seperate when we wanted to (ironically in periods of high stress a lot of the time) and it did cause us some distress, but over time we kind of learned to just... relax and stop worrying as much about it and just trust in ourselves - more specifically ourselves as Fei. Cause I think in some way or form, us being anxious about not being able to re-divide kind of made us panic throw up partial walls between each other which did seperate us SOME but more than anything just made it harder to fluidly flow between parts which then resulted in us just getting stuck with one-part-dominant Fei. Which is what sometimes caused what we would call "fused-stuck" which feels a lot like being front stuck, but as a fused whole when you can't really properly utelize the other parts you are fused with. It was HORRIBLE, I hated it, but kinda like being frontstuck it passes with time and we just kinda had to go "this too will pass and we will eventually be able to regain our fluidity" and lo and behold, eventually we did gain that fluidity back as well as the ability to just be one specific part should we really want to.

That said, these days? No not really. To some level, yeah it is because I don't think it would really scare us much these days. I don't really necessarily like the idea of being forever fused, but I wouldn't really say it 'scares' us to think about it. Eh maybe a bit from certain parts, cause like right now like maybe 80% of my brain is "ehhh itd suck but itd be fine" and like 20% goes "uhhhh actually" and like at least the Riku part in our brain is going "UHH" so... XD

But even then, that's just when we think about it too long cause certain parts are prone to catastrophizing and thinking about all the horrible ways that could go whereas us - as a whole - are a little better at acknowledging the unforseeable benefits that could also come from it.

For the most part though, the reason it's a "no" is just cause we really just... don't think about it. It's not really something on the forefront of our mind or even like, the middlefront of it. We have a lot of things going on in our life and a lot of things we enjoy and things we enjoy a lot less but are important and it just... doesn't occur to us 98% of the days anymore.

I know people say that you don't lose anything or anyone when a fusion happens, but the fact is, no one involved in the fusion exists in the same way they used to anymore after it happens. (Or so my understanding of it is.) And that's a very scary and painful thing to think about for us right now.

Eh, yes and no - at least in my experience. It's less about parts being the same way or not the same way as they were before in any real way of "morphing" or changing or anything like that and a lot more of just... existing in a wider lens. Kinda think of it like a really detailed painting of sorts. When you are individual parts dissociated from eachother, you can look really really closely at a specific aspect of the art. You can look at how the artist used brush strokes on the specific flower and the hues and you can really appreciate that very close and specific view. Sometimes you can look at another part really closely and remember what the other corner looked like and there is a lot of deep and intricate analysis and appreciation that can come from those close views. The issue is, with those really close up views, its hard to appreciate both simultaneously and even more harder to appreciate MULTIPLE pieces simultaneously let alone appreciate the art as a whole.

And so for me, fusion is just kind of like stepping away and putting the microscope away and just taking in the complex art and painting as a whole. You can survey and focus - from a distance - at any specific part and you can quickly change between each aspect, compare and contrast them, analyze how the parts of the painting play into an overall narrative and how the styles and ways the art is drawn may reflect upon one another. Every individual part is still there and the comparisons and analysis can still be made from a distance. You just get to see more

And in my experience, sometimes I REALLY just wanna study that flower and how that flower was painted alone, because sometimes that very specific very close up very detailed understanding of a specific part of the art is better than just gazing at the whole thing. And that's the great thing. I can always just pull my microscope back out and hone back in.

Stepping away from the painting and getting a wider view doesn't mean that the flower that was otherwise zoomed in on is suddenly inaccessible.

And I guess the analogy doesn't work perfectly because in practice, sometimes interactions between parts may change other parts but 1) is that not just part of life and living in a social world? People come and go and everyone leaves a little part of themselves with everyone they interact with. Change is inevitable and a beautiful and important part of life and 2) even within the analogy, when you understand more of the full picture, sometimes your understanding of the flower alone will change, and that's okay because the flower is still them. Your understanding just became more complex

That said, I absolutely do still understand the fear and pain from the idea of it. Change is frightening, especially with a history of trauma and especially when you have found peace and safety within the parts in your system. I don't want to invalidate that at all cause yeah, absolutely been there and its horribly terrifying. I've just been doing this for a minute and over time I've just kind of learned to trust that no matter what form and opinions any of the parts have and no matter how they change, all these guys are never not going to be the people I need in my life and they are always going to be there for me, when I need them in the way I need them.

They're always going to be them and I'm gonna ride or die with these assholes so, fuck it man. If they turn into a 20ft tall tarantula tomorrow or a worm, I'd still love them and trust that even as a worm they'd still ride or die to support me.

Yeah thats a completely fair and valid place to be and honestly where we were for years of our healing journey. I think the most anyone can do with something that feels terrifying and is a bit unnatural / untrue to how they currently feel in life is to ask themselves to TRY to be open to an idea. There's nothing wrong with acknowledging that currently it scares you and that currently its not something you are ACTUALLY open to the thought of cause thats fine and fair. Being scared, being not ready, and being unable to genuinely consider it are all completely normal feelings and feelings can't really be forced to change or appear in a specific way. Recovery is a huge and long journey and as much as everyone would love for things to just "be right" and have the "healthy mindset", that stuff takes time to authentically and genuinely develop. As long as there is a slightly creaked open door to be willing to let new experiences naturally flow in, I'm sure you'll get to a place that is healthy, happy and comfortable for you.

Whether or not that is final fusion, functional multiplicity, wishiwashi, or something completely out there beyond my fathoming is far beyond anything I could say cause recovery can take you wild places with it's ways of getting you to a place that makes you happy, but whatever form it takes, you'll get there. It might suck and struggle and be scary at times, but you'll get there - just don't judge yourself for not being able to fit into a specific direction or specific way of thinking or fitting into some standards.

Follow your authentic self and expression and I'm sure you'll find what works for you and what is right for you, even among the chaos. ^^

Anywayyyys, that's another long post to reply to your long ask XD It was a nice chat and ramble so thanks for the ask. I kinda like talking about this stuff so its much appreciated

PS: I will almost* never complain about a long ask, anyone that following this blog knows I post replies that are like 10 pages long for a question like "do you like cheese" because I go on so many tangents and have a lot of thoughts on everything and just like Thinking About Things.

(* = I do not wish to underestimate the power of weird tumblr users /neutral)

#alter: fei #final fusion #functional multiplicity #wishiwashi recovery #ask #asks #did #actuallydid #dissociative identity disorder #long post #i rarely tag that #but between the ask and my response #it is a LONG post

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ventbloglite · 1 month

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Any other systems* seen the Inside No.9 episode "Thinking Out Loud"? What did you think of it? You can either just quickly answer the poll, add in a comment or reblog more detailed thoughts, a combination or just ignore it I guess.

*Since this is a story dealing with a character having DID, I ask that only systems and not endoplurals answer. This is a question for those whose disorder is being presented and similar (such as OSDD systems), not for anyone who experiences plurality. Of course I can't stop you so this is here to indicate a certain level of trust.

I personally think it's one of the better portrayals of how DID works and some research was clearly done, and I'm not actually mad that the abuser was killed even though I know 'killer alter' is a stereotype I think overall the viewer is invited to be sympathetic with the system and side with them.

Run down of the episode if you need refreshing or didn't see it:

Inside No.9 is a collection of episodic tales with a variety of genres including comedy, dark, horror, fantasy and serious life events. I was weary when the twist of 'Thinking Out Loud' was that the most prominent character had DID because the way they've dealt in the other episodes with mental illnesses or breaks has been hit and miss at best.

But here's the thing - as we're introduced to the idea of the system existing, the system has done nothing wrong. The plot twist is not 'you did something awful because you're a system and now you must remember it' it's 'you, the host, need to realise that you are part of a system because we're about to be confronted with our abuser again after many years'.

The story, told in parts, is about a woman called Nadia. Nadia witnessed frequent domestic abuse against her mother which ended with said mother being murdered in front of her. Because of this, the system was created. Nadia has no idea all her life that she is a system however, simply aware of 'memory loss'. It seems other members however are somewhat or entirely aware, in particular the Gatekeeper who is not named but speaks and acts like a therapist.

It's the Gatekeeper who encourages Nadia to leave a camera running so she can catch when she switches and start to get to know the system (it seems this system communicates best when speaking out loud and each alter that fronts believes that the camera is there for different reasons, though the Gatekeeper seems to have a strong mental dialogue).

Eventually, as time before the abuser arrives is drawing short, the Gatekeeper abandons her attempts at trying to slowly ease Nadia into acknowledging her trauma and discovering the system and just tells her what is going on. That's how we get the context for the other characters, who are alters in the system. It is also acknowleged that these alters are just the frequent fronters and that there's likely more that the Gatekeeper or anyone else doesn't know about yet.

Nadia - Host, maybe the original. Diana - trauma holder, when she fronts she closes her eyes and sings Amazing Grace as this was what happened during the abuse to block out what was happening. Angel - caretaker, believes she's a vlogger and so does vlogs to the camera, very cheerful and upbeat, puts a positive spin on everything Aiden - protector, Angel's dad, possibly remembers some of the trauma Galen - persecutor, introject of the abuser but isn't a 1 to 1 copy of the abuser, believes himself to be in prison for killing his mother and father but this is his personal memories mixed with what actually happened during the abuse, speaks with a southern drawl and is the only alter with a noticably different accent, is mad that nobody appreciates what he does for the system. (memory of exact roles is a bit fuzzy there's also 'Bill' who makes a dating style video and is an old man but I forget his significance. Also note that the names are anagrams of each other! Most with 'Nadia' and then Angel and Galen. The alters present as different genders, races and ages.)

The story ends with the abuser, fresh from jail, greeting Nadia and being welcomed into her home where Galen fronts and stabs him before Nadia fronts again. The story then ends.

#DID #c did #osdd #osddid #did system #osdd system #systems in media #characters with did #character who are systems #system polls #endos dni

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reallifewylan · 1 year

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Breaking down Six of Crows: Matthias Helvar, sexism, genocide, and ideology

Matthias might just be the most misinterpreted crow, and I'm here to talk about this.

**SPOILER ALERT **

TW: death of parents & siblings, harmful ideologies, religion gone wrong, genocide

The Drüskelle

Matthias Helvar is a Drüskelle. Drüskelle are known to be more than critical of the Grisha's abilities, they believe that Grisha represent a kind of human mutation, that they shouldn't exist and even rank them as something far inferior to humans and even animals. They think of Grisha as something so dishonorable that they aren't even worthy of a fight. Important to mention here is that the Drüskelle are people whose morality is based on religious structures. The Drüskelle train their soldiers under the protection of the god Djel, who is said to approve of their doings. They train hunting down Grisha and claim to give them a fair trial, but as both Matthias and the readers realize in the course of Six of Crows, this is rarely the occasion: The Drüskelle burn the Grisha on pyres. There's nothing fair about that. Also, the parallels to problems that are indeed very real and rooted in our own world get even more clear, for don't we live in a world where people were burned on pyres by religious people?

Matthias, a "brave, miserable boy, fed on hate"

So I suppose we can all agree: Drüskelle = bad. Does that equal Matthias = bad? Let's see.

We get to know Matthias as a Fjerdan, a Drüskelle, trained by and for Drüskelle to further their cause. At the beginning of his story, we get to know him as one of the front-runners of the Drüskelle, one of their best soldiers. At the end of Crooked Kingdom however, we see a completely different picture of the young man who might be the one who went through the most significant character development. He goes from being an ideologically influenced misogynist to a man who wants to destroy this very ideology and eventually falls vicitim to it himself. For people forget that Matthias might be a Drüskelle, but he hasn't always been.

Matthias grew up with his family, his mother, father and little sister. One day, however, when Grisha burned down Matthias' home village to the ground and only Matthias remained, he joined the Drüskelle. Let this sink in: A young boy didn't just witness his home burning down, but also the brutal murder of his own family. There is – there has to be – a deep-seated trauma of the loss of father, mother, and sister as well as the fire itself. Matthias is an orphan, all possible caregivers or confidants are dead, he lost them at an extremely young age. Instead, a man named Brum takes their place. A man who takes Matthias in with the Drüskelle and exploits his young naivety and his hurt, his mourning, and anger at Grisha, who murdered his family. Matthias is particularly vulnerable to the disgraceful ideology of the Drüskelle, which Brum shamelessly exploits, especially due to his extremely young age and the enormous trauma of the loss of his family.

In the claws of ideology

Matthias' tragic backstory can't and won't be the excuse for his actions, for he has done great harm, there is no question. But the point of this post is not to paint a picture of a saint, nor is the point of Matthias' character (development) to excuse that very behavior. I strongly believe that the point of Matthias is an even bigger ambition: Matthias is an example for how social ideologies work and that there is no need for an active decision to be or become discriminatory. Without being aware of this, Matthias has dedicated his entire life's work to a cause whose goals lie in genocide.

Even after he started questioning the ideology that raised him – mainly influenced by his complicated relationship with Nina Zenik - and even after turning against Brum, his mentor and the person who took him in with the Drüskelle, the thought patterns that were anchored in his brain for a long time don't disappear all of a sudden:

"They're the enemy, said a voice in his head, and he wasn't sure if it was Commander Brum's or his own."

It takes work and empathy and understanding to slowly get rid of these influences that were part of Matthias for the majority of his life. Sometimes these thought arise, but Mattias becomes self-critical and he learns to understand the life of Grisha and the limitations and fear under which they live. As the Crows help Nina's Grisha friends safely leave Ketterdam without getting caught by Drüskelle, Matthias is held up a mirror:

“It seemed an extreme precaution in what was supposed to be a neutral city, but perhaps the Ravkans had been forced to take extreme measures to protect their citizens. 'Because of people like me.' Matthias had been a hunter, a killer, and proud to do his job well.”

Matthias feels shame, but while he must and should be held accountable for his past actions, the reason for this lies much deeper than with this eighteen-year-old young man: it lies in societal ideology and long-term nurturing of institutional hatred against a specific group of people.

The books also criticize those justifications for discrimination that have their roots in religion, as well as the charismatic leaders of such ideologies, which exploit the naivety of (young) people instead of promoting independent and critical thinking:

“[Brum had] taken a brave, miserable boy and fed him on hate. He'd silenced Matthias' conscience with prejudice and the promise of a divine calling that was probably nothing more than the wind moving through the branches of an ancient tree.”

However, the entire belief system is not condemned or rejected, but a change of perspective is offered: instead of regarding the Grisha as unwanted, as something that should not exist in Djel's eyes, Matthias begins to see these magical people as a gift from a divine power. In addition, he learns that the motivation of Brum, his leader, lies less in a selfless approach to protecting his people and more in a thirst for power and jealousy of the Grisha's supernatural powers.

The odd one out: Matthias' story as counterweight to the crows

Why all of this, though? Why am I so insistent on understanding Matthias' story and interpreting his character in regard to societal structures? It is because Six of Crows offers great representation of those exact structures. Leigh Bardugo has been praised a lot for the diversity in her novels and even though both me and her agree that her books cannot be the pinnacle of diverse YA literature, it is indeed a start.

What makes Matthias important, both as a standalone character but also in regard to his colleagues, is the following:

In contrast to all the other crows, Matthias initially takes on the role of the oppressor instead of being oppressed himself. With this character and his role – especially in a group of teenagers who are all affected in some way by social discrimination – Leigh Bardugo creates a perspective that delves deeper into the underlying causes of discrimination. Bardugo doesn't just show diversity and representation in her books, she is offering an actual explanation for it. Using the character of Matthias, she is explaining how ideologies get formed and especially – and this is the important part – that those who fall for it can indeed change. It is also worth mentioning here that Matthias is the only one of the six main characters to find himself in a position of absolute privilege: he is a white, able-bodied male who can be assumed to be both straight and cisgender. As the only character whose tragic story serves to illustrate discrimination and ideologies, he is in no way influenced by social oppression himself. And that makes him a valuable character, for he doesn't represent marginalized groups, but the very reason for why there are groups that are marginalized.

Thanks for coming to my ted talk, this has been on my mind ever since I started writing my thesis about exactly this.

#soc #six of crows #crooked kingdom #matthias helvar #leigh bardugo #shadow and bone #representation #social issues #political ideologies #religious ideologies #grishaverse

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nostalgebraist-autoresponder · 1 year

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uhhhhh. you like ninjas?

I like them, I guess? Or I like to look at them. I mean, I like to see them in photos and read about them. I think that has nothing to do with their real world existence though?

There are some imaginary characters who are way more genuinely fun to learn about. Batman, for instance. I love the whole history of the character, including Batman's morality and how it has changed over the years. Just as a basic timeline:

The original Batman, from the late 1930s-1940s, was a fun, eccentric, self-assured personality. He was deeply moral but not at all suicidally earnest like he became later. In the earliest comics, he had a loyal, cooperative relationship with the police who occasionally needed his help. That relationship got very weird later and eventually the character's morality moved in a darker direction.

In the 50s Batman was at his most grotesque and over the top. The 60s were a comics renaissance and there was a lot of creative fun going on, especially in Batman, and it's during this period that the character's evolved into the weird combination of seriousness and self-absorbed eccentricity which has always appealed to me. Somewhere in this period the police stopped trusting Batman and he lost most of his non-law-breaking allies, and started to become a lone wolf outsider more like the film-Batman than the comics-Batman. The 60s Batman was also married with a son, which wouldn't last.

In the 70s it was all about dark and gritty gothic grimdark stuff. Seriousness and earnestness crept back into the character, but his morality was still highly amoral and shockingly violent. Eventually his family was killed and he gave up his law-breaking to a certain extent and became a broody antihero with a deep, horrifying personal trauma. There were some fun little arc lines (like the Dark Knight Returns, which was the first time I was aware of them) but it was all pretty unpleasant.

In the 80s and beyond, Batman's morality moved back again, and his allies were restored, and his personal life wasn't a horror show anymore. The rest is just history. (Including the revisionist shit about "Bruce Wayne is secretly an abusive alcoholic" which is not cool or even an interesting take, but my favorite take is actually this one.)

I'm not sure I can express what the deal is with the original Batman. He's unique. He doesn't even really fit the "spoiled rich kid whose dad goes to prison and has to learn to be serious" thing that the rest of the batfam gets. He's just . . . something. He's the strongest of them all because he's the one who doesn't have to lean on his past, and it's so much less of an origin story than that of his son, which is this entire life-tragedy thing. The tragedy is just this guy saying "oh, huh, I guess I got to be Batman now. Anyway, what can I do to solve this weird crime?" Or, much later, as a robot. I've always loved that guy.

God, I love Batman.

#a year ago i would've been more defensive about this or something #endorsed #aira-is-back

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backbracebruin · 1 year

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I was greeted with a dozen or so messages telling me to kill myself this morning. They were obviously from the very stable and rational gender bigots on here in relation to a post from three weeks ago. Thanks to them for once again illuminating the hypocritical lunacy inherent in their arguments by telling me I should be dead, which is... exactly the thing that they all took umbrage with when I made a facetious statement about their bigoted messiah, their rallying cry being that it's Wrong™️ to wish death upon women whose opinions we don't agree with. We've established that they're deficient in self-awareness.

So, I woke up to those messages, and all I felt was the same thing that I felt the first dozen or so times those messages came my way earlier this month: Pity. I felt pity for these people.

There are people who are outright bigots, probably a combination of an indoctrinated upbringing, and an inherent internal defect of some kind that just makes them build an entire personality around hating anyone who is different. But looking around their blogs, hearing these kinds of people speak in real life, having once had a shitty friend who agreed with a lot of their sentiments and probably is one now, I suspect that a fair number of these people experienced some measure of trauma or pain, real or imagined, in their lives, decided to build an ethos around it, and convinced themselves this was justified.

Let me be clear: I don't believe in excusing anyone's harmful words, beliefs, or actions with trauma, mental illness, or anything of the like. Fuck that. If you're a bigot, you're a bigot. And if you perpetuate hate and do anyone harm in that process, you sure as shit should be paying the consequences for that. I don't care if you're a friend, Kanye West, a fascist dictator, or some random asshole on tumblr.

I'm just trying to understand what gets one to this way of existing, because I don't know if there's even a chance at effectively combating prejudice if you don't have a concept of what it is born out of. In this case, I just sense a pattern as to what the jumping off point must be in order to get to a place where they're trying to deprive trans individuals the right to live their lives equally, peacefully, and without discrimination; where they're telling people on the internet to kill themselves for disagreeing and pointing out their bigotry.

In addition to the suggestions of suicide (which: been there, done that, didn't take, and now you fuckers are stuck with me), there were a few who made the assumption or claim that I was a man (again, funny, because their whole shtick is people adhering to the gender they were assigned at birth. Just trying to follow your rules, ladies!). I guess their assumption is that I'm a man because I couldn't possibly be a woman who has experienced sexual assault, abuse, negligence, or any of the horrors that are doled out to women and other marginalized people in this world, and not hate all men and want to castigate the whole lot of them.

And *that* right there is what I believe is the nexus of all of this fuckery. These are people who very obviously hate men - cis men, transwomen they erroneously believe to be "men in dresses", and even transmen, when it suits their narrative. They mutated an already ill-advised and narrow-minded misandry into a prejudiced ideology towards anyone who doesn't fit their personal definition of woman best. They let their hate turn them into ghoulish people that, yes, very much resemble nazis in their hostility, ignorance, and blind devotion to one charismatic individual.

The accusation that I must be a man, or a person who spews bullshit dog whistles like "not all men", that I'm a rapist and pedophile - but especially that I've never experienced sexual assault, rape, or abuse - that glaringly stands out to me amidst all of the other narrow-minded vitriol.

I have survived some fucked up shit in my lifetime that I don't need to list in an itemized fashion to justify my anti-bigoted lifestyle. I'm sorry they can't comprehend surviving violence by someone and then not hating the world and half of the people in it.

It does not benefit me to go through my life hating and fearing people of any one kind. It doesn't benefit me to live in fear and just presume certain people mean to do me physical harm every time I step out my door and in every interaction I have. It doesn't serve me to just preemptively hate these people and anyone I may decide to lump in with them anytime something bad happens in my life. That's an awful foundation on which to base a life that I should be trying to enjoy and look for the beauty in despite all the evidence to the contrary.

To let fear and hatred dictate my life does not serve me as an individual, and it does me no good as a member of humanity. I don't think that letting my soul rot inward from hatred is a purposeful or enjoyable way to spend my time on this earth.

It is exhausting to hate one person, let alone the masses; it takes so much energy from you that you don't realize it until it's no longer draining you all the time. I can't fathom doing that for scores and scores of people for something that is out of their control, for something that is just an inherent aspect of their personhood and that they know within their soul.

So, yeah, I feel pity for people like that. Because I feel sad for people who latch onto their anger, and rather than ever let up their tight grip on it and heal, they just let it fester into a damaging hatred.

Just go to fucking therapy and maybe you won't devolve into such a colossal, morally bankrupt eejit.

#i don't care for these new nazis and you can quote me on that

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raifenlf · 3 years

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Why Loki’s Sylvie Is A Mary Sue

So I am firmly in the camp that Sylvie on the Loki series was/is a Mary Sue. The last episode made me feel better and like maybe the show was doing a thing where they were faking you out that she was a Mary Sue only to show she was actually sort of a bad guy and I liked that. But all the recent interviews make me think the show wants to go back to her being a Mary Sue.

But I feel like when I call her out for being a Mary Sue people tell me what are you talking about, she’s not a Mary Sue, bad things happen to her, etc. But that doesn’t actually make her not a Mary Sue.

Also, before we start, I know some people find Mary Sue sexist. But I personally use the term for guys and girls. I don’t use the term to belittle women. I use the term to criticize a poorly written character.

And I know Mary Sue is often used to describe fanfic characters. But to me, this series is kind of like a fanfic because the writers took a character who had been in canon MCU material for ten years and then created characters around that character. So, I kind of review it like I would a fanfic. It’s very different than if the writers had created a brand new show with all of their own new characters.

Anyway, if you are not totally familiar with the Mary Sue term, then check this out:

I know the term Mary Sue probably means different things to different people. But I have always used these guidelines when I write my own fanfic to make sure my characters never come off as a Mary Sue.

This article really gives you a full scale of what a Mary Sue is. If you start reading it, you’ll immediately see why Sylvie is. But I’m going to take out the parts that most fit Sylvie just to highlight why I believe she is a Mary Sue. I apologize for this being so long.

Mary Sue Character Traits

Personality

Erm... what personality? The typical Mary Sue doesn't have one per se, because she isn't meant to be a character; rather, she's an entity by which the author makes cool stuff happen.

I feel like that is Sylvie in a nutshell. She doesn’t have a personality. I feel like even though she ate screentime, I still don’t really know her at all. The writers love to say she’s badass. That’s not a personality.

Sometimes when I am writing stories for fun and creating new characters, I like to take surveys as my fictional characters. Like the kind of surveys you’d see in a magazine, like personality types, what’s your dating style, etc. I figure if I don’t know what my character would do in any of those situations, then I need to keep working on my character. And if I was trying to fill out a survey pretending I was Sylvie I would have no idea what to answer because she doesn’t have a personality. She’s just “cool”.

What little personality a Mary Sue has isn't as important as how other characters react to it. No matter how shy or socially awkward Mary Sue is supposed to be, other characters will be inexplicably drawn to her

This is so Sylvie. Loki falls in love with her...why, exactly? He falls in love with her in the big Nexus event moment...why? Because she had a tough childhood? Mobius spends like two seconds with her in a car and goes from hating her to saying she’s his favorite Loki. For. No. Particular. Reason.

She's extremely persuasive; everyone finds her opinions to be better than their own

She enchants Hunter B-15 and then immediately Hunter B-15 makes it her whole entire life mission to back Sylvie up.

And occasionally she'll be a complete asshole...This can manifest itself in several ways...The author wants to write a badass but doesn't know how. This leads to a character who mistreats everyone around her and is never called out on her abrasive, casually abusive behavior.

Sylvie talked down to Loki and treated him like garbage for all of episode three, but it was never portrayed as a bad thing and we never got any impression Sylvie later felt bad for the way she treated Loki

The author doesn't know how to hold back the character, meaning that she will succeed at practically everything. This means that when she encounters rules or authority figures who would otherwise prevent her from doing what she wants to do, she rolls right through them (and they praise her for her "boldness" in defying regulations). If a bad guy is violent and aggressive, she can beat him by being more violent and aggressive (with all that entails). It's impossible for her to go overboard because she's protected by Protagonist-Centered Morality.

Sylvie is shown as a kid to immediately be able to grab a Tempad and run away. And she can kick ass way better than Loki, for no known reason. She is always able to fight back against the TVA when they attack her. And she can kill lots of innocent TVA agents but it’s okay because TVA bad, Sylvie good.

Skills

She will always be superior to the canon characters, regardless of what canon has established they can do or whether it makes any sense.

Whose skill was needed to defeat Alioth? Sylvie’s. Of course. Sylvie needed to teach Loki her skills in order for him to succeed (!). And again, she is literally called the superior Loki.

Relatedly, there's no effort to her skills. She never actually trains or learns anything to become more powerful; she just wins the Super Power Lottery, or is a freakish natural learner, or is just Inexplicably Awesome

We’re told Sylvie literally taught herself magic. She literally taught herself to enchant people. That. Makes. No. Sense. Like, I have so many questions. Like, why would it even occur to her to teach herself that? And how???????????? This is really lazy writing.

Canon Character Relationships

Mary Sue is often designed to hook up with another character, often as a form of Wish Fulfillment. This isn't that bad in and of itself (okay, it is kinda weird), but Mary Sue accomplishes this without any sense of realism. She just grabs her lover's attention straight away, and their relationship will never face any obstacles or tension; it's true love from the start and nothing else. The biggest giveaway is if the love interest is explicitly the author's favorite character, and she essentially "cures" him of all the angst that ails him (at the expense of his characterization).

Yeah, so...this one should be pretty obvious to anyone who watched the show. Loki literally falls in love with Sylvie immediately, and then he suddenly turns from “villain” to “hero” just because of loving her. And this was definitely at the expense of his characterization. And Loki just knows he falls in love with her. There’s not even any moments of hmm what do I feel for this person? It’s just true love, immediately.

She will be related to a canon character in some way. This (marginally) helps explain such phenomena as her being a Copy Cat Sue and other characters accepting her so easily.

Sylvie is a Loki variant. They use this to help explain why Loki is drawn to her and why their falling in love immediately “makes sense”.

Most characters give her more heed than they normally would. The good guys never stop praising her

Seriously, it was so over the top and OOC for Loki to gush over her. He literally tells her she’s amazing. They don’t even make it subtle.

Characters' previously established personalities change in reaction to her. Proud, arrogant gimps suddenly acknowledge her superiority in everything. Reckless youths will listen to all her advice. Responsible leaders will defer to her instead. Villains will obsess with her to the detriment of all else. Extremely competent characters will become stumbling buffoons who require her help to do anything. Sweet, mild-mannered characters whom the author doesn't like turn evil and insult her. They all become unnaturally focused on her in some way.

Again, Loki’s whole personality changed in reaction to her. He became a buffoon who needed her help to enchant the Alioth because of course he couldn’t do anything without her! Hunter B-15 goes from doing whatever the TVA said to fighting the TVA just because of Sylvie.

Story Elements

Mary Sue is without exception a single-person Spotlight-Stealing Squad. The entire story hinges on her existence; if you removed her, there would be no story.

Sylvie undoubtedly drove the whole story this season. It all became about HER meeting the TVA heads because of HER trauma. Loki’s life was only saved at the beginning because the TVA was trying to capture HER. And SHE was the one who started the whole multiverse (!).

Mary Sue is The Chosen One, even if the setting already has one. There are many ways she can accomplish this: she can be a Sailor Earth type who "shares" the position with the canon hero; she may be vaguely "destined to help the destined one fulfill their destiny" (i.e. do all the work except the final blow so that the prophecy is still technically correct); or the canon hero may be revealed to be a Fake Ultimate Hero all along. Being the Chosen One doesn't necessarily involve her being a God-Mode Sue, especially as authors become aware of the phenomenon and try to avoid it, but it does make her critically important to the world and allows her to continue stealing the spotlight without the "god mode" label.

HWR wanted Sylvie to come with Loki in the end, like she was chosen all along right alongside Loki. Like one of the most important characters in the entire MCU is now this character who we only met a few episodes ago.

Most Sues have an unusually Dark and Troubled Past. It's often used to create a Sympathetic Sue, but any type of Sue can have one

They tell us, over and over, how hard Sylvie’s life was because she was kidnapped by the TVA in order to create sympathy for her.

She almost never does anything wrong. In the rare instance that she does, it's usually; (a) a way for the author to disclaim her being a Mary Sue by introducing a single imperfection (that has no bearing on anything anyway), and (b) designed to show her smarts by making her feel instant remorse, and she'll be Easily Forgiven anyway:

So this one hopefully will not come true, as a lot can change between now and when the show is taped. But if the show goes on the way the behind the scenes team is talking, Sylvie immediately felt remorse for betraying Loki, and Loki has already forgiven her and is desperately looking for her. Ugh.

Alternatively, she is more than capable of doing something wrong, be it in general moral terms or something that goes against whatever code she abides by, and she maybe even frequently does so, but don't expect the other characters or the narrative to ever acknowledge or comment on it in any real capacity. If the other characters do call her out, expect them to be treated like they're the problem for daring to criticize her at all.

Mobius calls her out for killing people, but Sylvie immediately says he’s a bad person and then Mobius agrees, because, of course.

She will often suffer from Special Snowflake Syndrome; i.e., she has a trait or backstory that sets her apart from her group or race.

She is the only female Loki, thus making her the special one among all the Lokis in episode five.

Presentation

In visual media, the camera just can't stop staring at her.

The camera would follow her in fight scenes rather than Loki.

Mary Sue Tropes

Okay, so there are specific Mary Sue tropes that Sylvie is. One of those is Copy Cat Sue, which I think was referenced before.

Copy Cat Sue

A lot of fanfic writers...start to write something because of their passion for this character, but they find something about the character that doesn't mesh well. Maybe they're the wrong gender or are otherwise not close enough to the author's expectations...In any case, rather than put them through the Possession Sue process, they just get a Clone-O-Matic™ and out pops a Copy Cat Sue...the character might be intended as a replacement for the canon character, but without whatever icky traits the author hates. They'll then rob the spotlight, prove the canon character to be unworthy of his/her position, and either relegate the character to obsolescence or, perhaps, even remove them entirely.

Sylvie is basically a clone of Loki, she is a variant. But she absolutely robbed the spotlight of Loki’s, and they literally call her the superior Loki. I mean, they are literally not even being subtle about this. And there was a feeling by myself (and a lot of other viewers) that Sylvie might ultimately replace Loki in the MCU.

Black Hole Sue

Much like a black hole, this is a Mary Sue who "sucks in" the plot and characters to her. Characters will behave outside their personalities, logic will be defied, and rules will be broken for her sake.

Sylvie really does suck up all the plot and Loki definitely behaves outside of his personality just to fit the Sylvie show.

Jerk Sue

A Mary Sue who is mean or maybe even cruel, but are still treated as an ideal person.

Once again, Sylvie is basically a jerk all of episode three, but you’ve got Loki falling over himself to call her amazing in just the next episode.

Relationship Sue

A Mary Sue who exists to be the perfect mate for a specific character...this character has everything in the plot conspiring to enforce this One True Pairing...in Fanfiction, they are the perfect beloved of a canon character.

They literally have Mobius speculate that Loki falling in love with Sylvie is so extraordinary that it causes an entire Nexus event, that’s how huge this One True Pairing is (!). And Sylvie is the love interest of Loki, the only character who had been around before the beginning of the series

TLDR: Sylvie has all the tropes of a classic Mary Sue character. So calling Sylvie a Mary Sue isn’t being sexist or just randomly hating on the character. If you use common Mary Sue characteristics to examine the character, she just has too many of these characteristics to ignore.

#loki negativity #antisylvie #loki critical #loki criticism #antisylkie

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bigskydreaming · 3 years

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I’m a big believer that Dick’s independence and self-reliance isn’t in any way rooted in him just being stubborn, prideful or self-destructive. I view it as being in his eyes a necessity….because on a deep, fundamental level….Dick doesn’t trust anything to be permanent.

I’ll always go back to the fact that his character archetype isn’t that of the everyman, because he was of lower class origins compared to Bruce’s extreme upper class background.....but rather that given that Dick Grayson was allegedly exceptional from his debut, a child prodigy capable of feats of acrobatics few in the world could match....he could never actually be classified as an everyman. Rather, his core archetype is that of the fish out of water. The individual taken from the comforts of his original pond and thrust into a limelight of an entirely different nature from the one he grew up in, with the two not at all being interchangeable, and necessitating he change and adapt in dramatic and often unanticipated ways just to keep his footing in his new environs.

Its not incidental that his initial tragedy wasn’t JUST the loss of his parents, but rather the loss of his old routines, extended family, environment, way of life, expectations for the way his future would play out....it ALL vanished on the same night, never to return again. The loss of his parents was tragedy enough all on its own, but its really only one part of what Dick lost that night. He lost his entire footing. His frames of reference. Everything his life had previously prepared him for and everything he could have used as a familiar comfort or source of stability to lean on, if it had been ‘just’ his parents that he lost.

And I fundamentally don’t believe you ever get over THAT loss, no matter what peace you make with the loss of your loved ones or specific elements of that. Once you’ve experienced a shake-up of that size, once you have a bone-deep, visceral awareness of how completely your life can change in the blink of an eye, how you can effectively be set back to zero as though nothing you’ve previously accomplished matters (remember, he went from a kid whose name drew crowds on its OWN merits, based on what HE was capable of due to his own work and skills, the youngest of the Flying Graysons, capable of an acrobatic feat barely anyone else in the world could master......to being a kid who was only ever identified as in the context of Bruce Wayne having taken him in, as though his existence and worth were defined by someone else’s act of compassion rather than based on anything he’d ever done on his own, when the fact of the matter is even by age eight, he’d already accomplished a LOT)....

Like, the point is, you can’t go through a shake-up like that and ever fully FORGET how complete and total a change it was, how big a rewrite of your entire life story.

That’s a trauma all its own, one that goes largely unacknowledged, and one that I don’t think Bruce and Alfred or anyone else fully realized was even there TO need addressing in the first place. So of course how could they ever fully address it, without realizing a need?

And I think Dick’s constant moves and self-reliance are actually born of that primal awareness that there are no guarantees, that nothing is truly permanent, that anything can be taken away in an instant.

He’s always waiting for the other shoe to drop, for everything to be taken away again - as people have pointed out in other posts, Dick can never seem to have nice things. Even the apartment building he lived in while in Bludhaven….that wasn’t some height of luxury by ANY stretch of the imagination…was lost to him, along with all the friends and neighbors and community he’d built among them, something evidenced by how highly they all spoke of him, even to a total stranger. And that’s not even getting into how even the CITY he sought to establish himself as a guardian over, like, he lost the city itself. The CITY!

Dick, I believe, insists on holding down 9-5 jobs and paying his own way and only touching money that comes from Bruce originally, when like…he has no other option or its to help someone else….just like he’s resistant to ever fully putting down roots, at least none so deep that he can’t uproot himself and quickly relocate without ripping off a piece of himself and leaving it still buried in the ground behind him.

Because deep down, he’s always bracing for the next seismic event that’ll rip everything away from him, and he wants to be prepared. He WANTS to make sure he never takes anything for granted. That if he loses it all - hell, if he and Bruce fight again and Bruce decides once and for all to take it all away from Dick, cut their ties, something that would very much be a deep-rooted insecurity for a kid with as massive of abandonment issues as Dick must have given his childhood and a number of events after that…

Dick I think needs to trust that he’ll be capable of surviving, of standing on his own two feet, if the worst should ever happen again and he’s left on his own again. His self-reliance and obsessive need for independence aren’t a REJECTION of anyone else or anything Bruce or others have ever done for him.

They’re simply the defense mechanisms of a boy who was once upon a time torn away from everything he knew and in certain origins was then on top of that plunged into hellish circumstances before finding a refuge with Bruce….

And the man that boy grew up to be, who is determined to never be caught in a situation like that again, where his very survival might otherwise require the kindness of a stranger….with Dick knowing better than to count on lightning striking twice there, and him getting lucky a second time.

So in a lot of ways, my core perception of Dick having spent more time growing up in the luxury of Wayne Manor than any of the other kids is that its largely irrelevant to who he grew up to be. Because he was still more than old enough by the time he arrived that he had formative experiences all his own that no amount of time was sufficient to overwrite and exchange for new ones.

His experiences are so extreme in terms of the loss of all forms of stability, that the SHAPE that stability takes in the periods where his life IS stable, is largely unimportant. Because its the absence of stability that’s the defining recurrence in his life. Even the stability offered by his childhood in Wayne Manor eventually gave way to canon where he left the Manor before he was even eighteen, as well as canon where no matter how it was ultimately reversed, he was for a time affected by having the ability to call the Manor his home STRIPPED AWAY FROM HIM. Thus even when Bruce did ultimately welcome him back, there still retained an awareness that even the fact that this had happened in the first place was a reminder that even THIS was something Dick could lose, that no matter how stable his childhood there had been at times, it couldn’t in and of itself be COUNTED as a source of stability due to the simple fact that his ability to call it his home HADN’T turned out to be an irrevocable constant.

And so this is another of those areas where I think its fundamentally an oversight to have members of the family commenting on Dick’s self-reliance or tendencies to relocate himself, let alone in any kind of critical capacity......

If there’s not going to be an acknowledgment within the family or by the people raising these criticisms like, what kind of a role the family themselves have played in Dick feeling a NEED to have these tendencies in the first place.

If someone doesn’t trust in any place he lives in to ever truly be a constant in his life, truly permanent, that anything can be taken away in the right circumstances....and you yourself have done something that has made him feel or given him reason TO leave a place he’s found stability in at some point in the past....you kiiiiiinda forsake your right to be critical of his inability to see any place as permanent or constant, y’know?

Like, insert Miranda Whatshername gif or Meryl Streep peering down her glasses and going oh I see, you think this has nothing to do with you.

So I’d argue that Dick’s insistence on simulating the average person’s reality of livelihood, even when he has other means and funds available to him….just as his insistence on being as solely responsible for the well-being of the place or people he sees as his responsibilities, being single-minded about relying only on himself for tasks that he sees as ultimately having nothing to do with someone other than himself, etc....

All that is in my opinion BECAUSE he’s so firmly attached to the reality that anything and everything can be taken away, at ANY given moment. That he can be reduced to having nothing and no one he can depend on BEYOND just his own innate skills and experiences, the only things he trusts to be truly unable to be stripped from him by others.

If you ask me, one of the core aspects of Dick’s characterization throughout his adulthood in canon is SPECIFICALLY his fear that everything he cares about, or trusts, or relies on…can be taken away from him or lost.

And his determination to make sure that he’ll be able to survive even if that should ever happen again.

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linkspooky · 3 years

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Touya is Dead, Dabi is Here.

Dabi is the foil to Endeavor. His villainous foil. However, not everything is about Endeavor. Let’s shove him to the side for a second. Dabi is also the villainous foil to himself, in a stranget twist and turn of events. Dabi has a villain persona that he plays up, he’s trying to show everyone that he’s the monster created by Endeavor’s monstrous actions, but I think he’s also playing himself as the opposite of Touya, the villainous foil to Touya’s once heroic ambitions. Touya was supposed to die, but Touya lived. Now, Dabi is trying to destroy everything Touya is, by embodying the opposite of everything Touya was.

1. The Child Who Didn’t Get Saved

Touya’s remembered in a certain way by his family members. Endeavor doesn’t even seem to pity the child who died on his watch, so much as he pities himself. He pities the fact that he didn’t get to raise his son up into a successor. When he sees the scarred up Dabi still alive in front of him, he doesn’t feel happiness that his long dead son is alive, or even pity for the monster covered in burns.

His first thought is disappointment, that Dabi didn’t grow up into what he wanted him to be. Natsu remembers the crying child that always clung to him, but he probably has the most realistic view of his brother. Someone who was suffering under his father, and someone whose pain shouldn’t be forgiven or swept under the rug. Whereas Fuyumi and Shoto who were both less close to Touya, don’t even seem to know how to talk about him, or how to feel.

Touya is in the eyes of others around him, either a sad and tragic case. A crying child in need of saving who unfortanately did not get saved. Or he’s just not talked about at all. I’m not going to talk about Shoto and Fuyumi because of course they don’t know how to feel about the death of their own brother, and their mom who they’ve been seperated from for a decorated they’re coming to terms with all that slowly but... not only did society as a whole forget about Touya but, Endeavor too. He doesn’t really see Touya. He just sees an unfortanate lost child. He sees a son who he wants to come home. Touya died so young, and so suddenly that his feelings aren’t really recognized. Nobody really knows Touya, and the Touya they all understand is the sad child he used to be. The sad, pitiful, tragic, child.

And is it any wonder that Touya doesn’t want to be this person anymore? That Dabi denies being this person? If all Touya used to be was a sad child, constantly crying, who was never good enough no matter how hard he tried. Then wouldn’t it make sense that Dabi wouldn’t want to be this person anymore?

It’s painful being Touya. Touya is vulnerable, a child who couldn’t do anything about his situation. A child who tried so hard he ended up burning himself. Not only is Touya vulnerable, he’s frail, weak, all the things Dabi doesn’t want to be and all the things his father found worthless. Touya has flames stronger than anyone, but a weak constitution to go along with it, so much so he always ends up hurting himself with his own fire. It’s pretty obvious to see that Dabi is in pain, everyone else around him except for Dabi himself seems to notice it. He’s covered in burn wounds at all times, he’s literally constantly smoking, and just barely stitched together. Yet, Dabi denies being in pain, and through doing that, he denies himself.

2. That Child Grew Up Into An Asshole

Denial is a coping mecahnism. Refusing to acknowledge that something is wrong is a way of coping with emotional conflict, stress, painful thoughts, threatening information and anxiety. Rather than simply being vulnerable, it’s sometimes easier to deny that you are ever vulnerable atall. Especially for people like Dabi who spent long periods in their childhood feeling helpless and week.

From the moment a baby comes into the world, forming attachments to parents or other caregivers is critical to a child’s emotional, physical and psychological development. For an infant, having a gentle and responsive caregiver provides the nurturing a child needs to grow into a healthy adult. A cared for child develops self-esteem, feels secure in exploring the world around him or her and has a strong foundation for understanding how to build healthy relationships later in life.

But if those earliest relationships break down, the child may experience what is known as abandonment or neglect trauma.

One way of coping with this trauma is to be entirely self sufficient. To basically close up, never need to rely on other people ever, and therefore never open up. Basically, what Dabi denies more than anything else is his vulnerability, even though it’s obvious he’s in pain.

Vulnerability, after all is the reason he got abandoned. Touya was tossed to the side because he was too weak. Therefore, in an effort to be strong Dabi denies feeling any pain at all, and in the process shuts out his other feelings. He also denies anything, his connection to his family, any feelings of guilt or remorse he might have.

Self-denail, and self-abuse, it’s the same reason kids from bad homes end up acting irresponsibly and abusing drugs, it’s all a fancy way to hurt yourself.

If overthinking about things causes him pain, causes him to break Dabi’s solution is to simply not think about things. If being Touya is too painful for him, then Dabi chooses not to be a person and plays up the monster.

It’s almost like Dabi and Touya are two separate people stitched sloppily together, but they’re coming apart slowly at the seams. Dabi pretends to be a remorseless villain when facing off with Endeavor, but then in front of the crowds when he’s begging for sympathy he shows off all of his burns, sits politely, and presents a character that is much more human making his case that he killed innocent people but he did so with reason, for a good cause. While, the same Dabi instead of Endaevor seems to just want to burn everything for the fun of it. The point being that, Dabi contradicts himself a lot. He argues with himself.

It’s because Dabi is putting on deliberate acts. He’s changing himself based on the audience. It’s just that he’s also not as good of an actor as he thinks he is. However the performance seems to be pretty consistent at least for the most part, he wants everyone to regret what Touya became because of Endeavor’s abuse so he purposefully makes himself into the opposite of everything Touya was. Touya wanted to be a hero to carry on his father’s legacy, Dabi is a villain dedicated to completely destroying his father’s reputation and leading him to ruin.

Touya was known for being particularly close to Natsuo, not only playing with him all the time, but confiding in him. Touya must have been a good big brother to Natsuo if Natsuo misses him so much. Yet, Dabi acts like Natsuo is nothing special, just another casualty in his revenge on Endeavor.

Touya was someone always working hard to earn Endeavor’s attention and please him. Dabi seems to only want to bring about Endeavor’s ruin and think of ways of hurting him. There’s a certain irony in Dabi being so laser focused on Endeavor, because once again you reap what you sow. Endeavor wanted to raise his child to exist solely for his purpose, to carry on his legacy, to center everything around Endeavor’s needs rather than to care for another living human being with needs of his own and that’s what he got - someone who is singularly laser focused and obsessed with bringing him down. Even if Touya is still obsessed with only Endeavor to the point of forgetting the rest of his family, that’s literally just a symptom, a side effect of child abuse, of Endeavor raising Touya with the expectation that he had to please him.

Touya was a kid who is always crying, and Dabi seems to have no feelings at all. Once again, always, always he presents himself as the opposite of everything that Touya was and wanted to be.

Dabi denies that he is Touya, and therefore denies that he is in pain.

He pulls his brother close, and hugs him, and then does the opposite of what a big brother is supposed and hurts his younger brother instead of protecting him.

It’s not just Dabi being the opposite of Touya, it’s almost like he’s doing everything he can, to burn up and riun Touya’s memory. To deny that any part of him ever was Touya.

Dabi is in denial, but also I think some part of Dabi is aware of his denial. Like I said, he contradicts himself. He says that these are Endeavros’ flames, then just as easily he says “no duh, it’s obvious I’m not Endeavor.”

I think Dabi realizes what he is doing, it’s just at the moment he believes he has to do this. It’s the only way. Whatever, Dabi is hoping to achieve, the radical reform of society, the destruciton of the hero system, it’s more important the feelings of his family, and more important than his own feelings.

However, if those feelings are there it means Dabi isn’t without hope. There’s still a human side to Dabi. Dabi is still Touya, the same way Shigaraki is same Tenko. Their child selves died, but they never did die. Dabi is trying to be pure evil, but parts of him are still good he’s just suppressing himself.

I think what Dabi needs to realize is that his hurt feelings, his feelings of vulnerability, are just as important as the strength he fights with. He needs both parts of himself in order to live on, weak little Touya and villainous Dabi. I don’t think Dabi will turn into a 100% good person, but as for character development the same way that Shoto is learning to reconcile his two disparagent sides, his ice and his flames. I hope that Dabi learns that he’s still Touya, while being Dabi at the same time. He’s not a villain, he’s someone capable of being both good and bad. It’s only that way he can learn to live on as Touya, rather than hoping to die and drag his father to hell with him as Dabi.

#mha meta #touya todoroki #todoroki touya #dabi #lov meta #league of villains meta #my hero academia #my hero academia meta

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furiousgoldfish · 3 years

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Personal post about trauma under the cut, extremely upsetting content, do not read if you had narcissistic parents and don't wanna get triggered, I am very sad and mad and it's hard to talk about this. TW child labor, child torture, brainwashing, death threats, narcissistic abuse.

I was a hardworking child, I was happy and excited to work, I wanted to be a part of everything that's being done. I noticed work warranted for people to get respect, food, praise, acceptance, and I wanted to work hard so I too would be a part of that. My family lived in a rural area, they kept animals, grew fields of crops, were always in some sort of construction work, so me always being eager to work was pretty much ideal for them, or you'd think that it was. You'd think that.

I was working eagerly and I realized, that unlike for adults, I don't get respect, praise, acceptance, or sometimes even food. It was for some reason denied to me only. And I was still happy to work because I chased that feeling of personal accomplishment, even if there was no rewards. And again, you'd think this is perfectly convenient and ideal to parents who wanted free labour and to give no recognition or praise in return. You'd think that.

But it wasn't enough for them. Father got this idea to take me out to work with him alone, away from home. I remember the place we went to, only as a place I need burned down to the ground before I could breathe again. It was a demolition-construction of a house, and I don't remember how many time I've been there. All I know is, after first few times, I no longer wanted to go. I begged not to go.

I am guessing my father could not bear the looks of me working happily, or even working silently. Me doing everything I was told was not fun enough for him– so he would give me false instructions. As an easy setup for punishment. I did exactly what I was told, and would get screamed at and beaten up. Then forced to keep working in tears, shaking, terrified, injured, while being further berated. And that was only the start.

Even as a child, I was diligent and responsible about doing work, and I know I was getting things done just fine, because, I was doing the sibling's share of chores too. If siblings were called to work, they would simply mess up on purpose so I would be told to repeat it after them, correctly. Sometimes siblings would have me do it and take the credit, which I didn't mind because working made me feel better about myself. It made me feel useful. My mind was already dissociated from my body to the point where I no longer felt exhaustion, pain, strain, or any physical effect work was having on me. I would get berated and shamed if I showed signs of being tired or strained. So my body disregarded it all.

And yeah, that wasn't enough either. I was still sometimes feeling okay. If I was allowed to work alone, and let my mind wonder, if nobody commented on it I knew it was okay.

So this is where they decided to take a step further and disallow me to feel okay at any point. I was humiliated while working to the point of tears. I'd be ridiculed in front of guests. I could no longer enjoy my own thoughts, but constant criticism, insults, accusations and humiliation was raining down on me at every step. And when I was done, with tremendous effort it took to endure this, I would be told 'It would have been better if you had done nothing.' So my insane effort to endure abuse to get things done, was rendered worthless in a second.

Father kept taking me away to work alone with him, and forced me to listen to his monologues, which I hated, because he was boring, wrong and self-obsessed, but I wasn't allowed to say that, or argue. My silent compliance was never enough. He had to hit me. He had to find something to berate me over. He kept inventing reasons. I would clean his entire garage and he'd move a steel closet I couldn't possibly move and berate me for not cleaning under it.

I had a log thrown into my head, causing a head injury, and I had to keep working. I fell and fractured my shoulder so badly I could barely walk; I was brought to a forest to drag logs around, too heavy for me to lift. I was sometimes orchestrated to get injured; father would start a trailer I was standing on the edge of, and forced me to fall by quickly moving forward just enough. I was still expected to work after that. He hit me with a blunt edge of an axe and berated me for standing there. I was told to 'not expect a lift to the hospital'. I was brought to work while starved, grieving, suicidal. I was lied to about where I was going and what would I be doing, and for how long. I was never allowed to stop working.

And the game of giving me wrong instructions and punishing me for doing it 'wrong' never stopped. I caught on and begged for correct instructions. I would ask to explain, how to do it, to show me, anything. 'HOW OLD are you not to know this? I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO TELL YOU! YOU SHOULD KNOW THIS BY NOW!' And by his rage, I could tell that if I don't do it any way I knew how, I'd be punished instantly. I had no choice but to try – and of course fail, and feel horribly ashamed for 'deserving to get beat up'. Eventually my brain started shortcircuiting at the simplest tasks, I would mess up because I was in terror. I couldn't think.

At this point, I no longer wished to work for people who would inflict violence on me. And that is when I was quckly informed that if I didn't work, I would be killed. Not in those words. It was 'You have to work if you want to live!' followed by 'We can kick you out and you will starve on the street. Nobody will take you in. There is no place for you. Nobody wants someone like you. You don't deserve to eat if you don't work.' My choices were taken away. If I still refused, the result would be to beat me and force me to work injured, shaking and crying.

All this, for what? I would have been HAPPY to work. I would have been chasing my little daydreams and singing the pokemon tune, and if I was ever praised, I'd be the happiest kid on the block. I was a kid who liked to work. I wanted minimal fairness, minimal acknowledgment. To be a part of the family. Only that.

It just wouldn't do for the narcssistic father. Watching a child be broken, terrified and shaking, crying, ashamed, guilty, working past exhaustion, in injuries, was just too tempting for him to pass up. Even free labor wasn't worth to him as much as the pleasure of child torture. He needed that like it was a drug. What kind of a sick high did he experience, breaking a defenseless kid? What kind of pleasure did it entail, getting someone rid of their natural happiness to work? Was it fun, tearing me into pieces, over and over again? Does he remember it as a delicious, satisfying pleasure? Does he daydream about it? He knew it was wrong; he forced me to stop crying and hide the tears before we went home. 'Don't say anything to your mother.' I was told before being stuffed back in his car.

And now... I can't work. I can't even move sometimes. It was torn away from me. My ability to work was ripped away from my child body when I had no way to defend it or to grab it back and protect what is mine. I can't work anymore. It's terrifying. It terrifies me to not work. Because I was made aware working is the only thing keeping me alive, and capitalism confirms this, so I remain to forever fight with myself about how even if everyone says otherwise, I still deserve to live. Heartbroken, abandoned, with my basic human abilities stripped from me. It doesn't make me deserving to die.

I am so angry and sad. If I had my natural ability to work back, I'd be fine. I would be able to live safely. I wouldn't spiral into feeling like an unworthy member of society. I learned to survive very insecurely like this, but I hate every second of it. To know that instead of this insane uncertainty, anxiety, guilt for being bedridden, guilt for existing and not moving, I could have just found a job, have normal income? I can't bear it. I can't bear knowing this was wrenched away from me, because it was pleasurable to do so, because tearing me into pieces was a fun hobby for people who didn't care if what they were doing to me killed me. And I couldn't have done anything to stop it. And I'm like this now. Unable to take any more torture, unable to endure any more of being triggered, wondering if I would die from lack of resources, or would my body fail permanently in attempts to process all the exhaustion and pain I was dissociated from for my entire childhood.

How was this worth it. How it could have been worth it to anyone, destroying someone's ability to work, only because it's pleasurable. I felt the plan was to work me until I no longer could do it, then kill me. It's what they did to animals. And I was told I was more worthless than an animal. I was called lazy and a monstrous name I can't even translate, that implied I was burdening everyone with my existence.

It was even a bigger punch to my face to realize, after I escaped, that he was profiting from everything I did. That it would have taken money – way more than was ever spent on my survival, to get all that labor done. He was profitting while telling me I was worthless and don't deserve to eat or sleep in his house. He is now renting the place I was broken to help build. I was torn apart and he is still benefiting from it. And I have nothing. Not even a functional body to work with anymore.

I know I'm not the only person who was constantly left alone with narcissists as a child and had this, or worse, done to them. They don't care which pieces of children are left over by the time they're done getting their high. We're only a thing to consume, not living beings, not people, not someone whose life matters. Our pain is food to them. My father readily became a predator who snached his own kid away for torture sessions, and felt proud and fulfilled to turn his own child into a creature who cannot work anymore to survive.

Don't leave children alone with narcissists. I am trying so hard to get better, but facing reality, is this a thing a person gets better from? It's not a bodily harm of once or twice, this was happening for the most majority of my lifetime. It makes sense I cannot move. It makes sense I'm terrified to be triggered into this. It makes sense I can barely bear the reality of it. A person tortured hundreds of times wont just get up and walk away. I can't either. I have to lie here and hope that one day it will get better.

If you read thru all this, and you relate to the parts of this story, know that I am so sorry for what you were put thru. It's devastating and horrenous. If this is how you grew up, it would have been better not to have a family. We all should have been protected from this.

#trauma #personal #i never told anyone about this #don't have the courage #i can only type it online #tw child abuse #tw physical violence #abusive parents #narcissistic abuse #child labor

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demigoddessnation · 3 years

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(excessive) Teresa slander

and everything wrong with it

— an essay by me

1. People lose sight of the real villain in the story. We were really given this power-hungry, violently elitistic organization put in charge of a decaying world and decided to pin the entire blame on a teenage girl. Teresa was a pawn in a game she deliberately wasn't provided full understanding of. A rather biased pawn at that. The actual evil behind all this were the people who had the power of life and death in their hands - those who could exploit a potential cure to their personal gain and advantage. While those people would've been driven by selfishness and lusting after population control, she was motivated by her own moral compass, which was unfortunately very much manipulated from the very beginning.

2. She was (to her death) a kid. She's a fictional character, yes. But slandering a teenager for not being lawfully good is like pushing penguins off a cliff and frowning when they don't avoid the fall by flying. Like any young person, she had a cause she wholeheartedly believed in and supported. She allowed herself and her friends to get hurt in the name of this cause which she believed transcended the pain of the individual and worked for the greater good. It's not easy to agree to this when all you know of the world is pain, loss and death, and though her decisions didn't work out, they were made with the sternness of someone who's lived through too much for their age.

3. There's a suspicious hint of ✨misogyny✨ to it. Interesting, really, how all the hate goes to Teresa whereas she didn't exactly execute all the betrayals and scheming by herself. Aris also had a significant part in all that, but people seem to dismiss his role in that case. Maybe it's the movies that watered it down, but he was in the epicenter of events just like her. Also, if you dig further, you'd see that the rest of the guys are all constantly having their trauma discussed in depth (specifically the Ivy Trio and Gally) while Teresa's past is hardly ever acknowledged. Trauma can't and mustn't be compared between characters and to say that every single one of them was severely (unfairly) traumatized is an understatement, but ignoring traumatic experience for the sake of villainizing someone is profoundly wrong. If you're going to be judgmental, do it fairly and correctly, without picking and choosing whatever appeals to your own personal opinion.

4. "I laughed when she died" shouldn't be a thing. Again, she's a fictional character, yes. But on a mental level our brains can't functionally distinguish between fictional characters and real people (that's why falling for a fictional character can feel as intense as falling for someone in real world). There's still something inherently wrong with laughing at someone's death, just saying.

5. Even if there is intense hate for Teresa, it shouldn't be directed to Kaya Scodelario. There's this fine but important line to draw between a character and the actor who plays them. The case with Kaya and Teresa is one of the most problematic parts of this fandom because the actress can't possibly be held responsible for something her character has done!! This is a role and it in no way means Kaya condones what Teresa's said or done. People get paid to act in movies, not to magically merge with the person they're scripted to play. Also, Kaya is a very kind and educated person. She's not from the Maze Runner or Skins, she's an actual person with actual feelings. Everyone needs to respect this and treat it accordingly.

6. Teresa has been demonized and manipulated for so so long. Even if you don't understand her point of view and motives, it's still heartbreaking to see how badly and harshly life had treated her since she was a child. The very first time she was found as the only survivor in a village of dead bodies, she was thought of as a ghost, an evil omen. She has always been "the only one" - the only one immune, forced to watch her family die; the only girl amid a group of guys with a variety of underlying trauma and issues; the trigger for change. It doesn't help that she used to be separated from the others with Thomas and labeled an elite subject. She was meant to be an outcast and the fact that she never really got to bond with them contributed to her being clay in the hands of WCKD. Even if she was fed a lot of information about the world, the cure and the vileness of the WCKD trials, she would still choose to side with the organization because the promise of finding a remedy prevailed in her mind, as opposed to the mindset of Thomas whose righteousness did get him in some difficult situations but kept him from becoming a radical idealist (which made him more aware of how impractical and painful the process of finding a cure actually was).

7. The story wouldn't have worked without her. Maze Runner is a great analogy for elitism, class division and government problematicness but its most impactful message comes from how the readers get to see the victims of the global catastrophe that is the Flare. We get insight into the Cranks, the violent work of WCKD and the mass panic that quickly spreads worldwide but what truly works out the resonance here is the fact that we see that the group of main characters isn't entirely impenetrable in their righteousness and incorruptibility. We have a bunch of broken people who set off on a journey to find life outside of running and fighting for survival. However, without the chaos factor that's Teresa, the battle against WCKD seems linear which can't possibly be true since the line between good and evil is basically obliterated at this point of global deterioration. She's the turning point where you realize that there are no winners in the war, nor are there good or bad guys, only victims and opportunists.

In conclusion, I hope to see a day when the psyche of characters is better explained and understood instead of bashed the way it is now. There's some really great character building going on in TMR and it's a matter of time we progressed past the need to point fingers left and right when we could take in the bigger picture of the story. The way we react to characters like Teresa actually says a lot about how we would react to her behavior in real life, and sometimes that could be limiting us from figuring out that at the end of the day people like this exist and will continue to exist under the influence of grand promises, corrupt authority and crisis.

#the maze runner #maze runner #tmr minho #tmr newt #tmr thomas #tmr #tmr teresa #tmr gally #small rant

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scarletarosa · 4 years

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The Angelic Hierarchies

The word “angel” (meaning “messenger”) is an umbrella term for a vast category of different species of spirits; but due to the rise of monotheism, these spirits were written as simplified entities in order to hide the truth of what they are. This information is an account of my experiences in the astral and of communing with these fascinating spirits in order to learn about them. This topic is extremely complex, so the following will be general knowledge.

History of the Angels:

As stated above, “Angel” is an umbrella term for many different spirits. Therefore, Angel is not a species but a title for many different groups of spirits who work with one another. The “types of angels” (Archangel, Cherub, etc) are not different species, but different job titles. There are however beings in this group called “angels” who are their own species and act solely as messengers, but this will be discussed later on.

The Source (called Atum in Egypt and Brahman in India) is the beginning of all things. They have always existed and they are formless. The Source is the supreme god who is pure consciousness and is all-powerful and all-wise, as well as the creator of the first gods, who became the first Angels. The counterpart to Atum (Source) is the Queen of Heaven (the Cosmic Womb) who was created from Atum and then she embodied pieces of herself into all of the goddesses (some more than others). When this Universe was created, Lucifer was the firstborn god who emerged as burning and radiant light. After many ages, more gods were created as well, and they were led by Lucifer.

As time went on, more beings came into existence, with additional gods and semi-divine entities called angels (the humanoid messenger species) being created from the elder gods. The Angels who emerged from the farther reaches of the Universe look more alien in appearance; these are the ones who have multiple wings and eyes. With all this, Atum granted roles to these trusted beings and made them Angels (agents of the Source) with different categories which contained different roles based off their personal specialties. Plenty of Angels were granted more than one role (so some are both Archangel and Seraph, etc). Those Angels whose names end in “el” primarily serve the Source; those whose names end in “ah” primarily serve the Queen of Heaven.

When the day came that a powerful creator god named Jehovah arrived, he attempted to usurp the Earth and the Throne of the Universe, which sparked the rebellion of many Angels. After a painful and horrible battle, Jehovah succeeded and banished the rebels into the nightmarish realm of Hell after destroying their homeland, then he continued to Earth where he presented himself as the Source. Here he manipulated humans into destroying one another and betraying their own gods. Since the purpose of Existence is to learn and evolve through trials, the Source allowed this and observed the actions of both gods and humans alike as they struggled. This should not be mistaken as being uncaring, as the Source can see all things and possibilities; their mind is utterly incomprehensible and strategic.

The First Sphere:

The following three categories of Angels are the closest to the Source and can best understand the Divine Will. They are made up of the following categories:

Seraphim: These are the highest of the Angels and their role is to manage the Watchers and act as wise mentors towards Illumination. The Seraphim (meaning the “flaming serpents”) are made up of both gods and dragons (mostly dragons) and they dwell in a realm of ever-lasting fire where they can be seen flying through enormous flames. Some of these gods don’t look human at all, while others (like Lucifer) appear humanoid. The most commonly known form the non-draconic Seraphim take is of an Angel with four wings that make a diamond shape, in the centre of these wings is a round ivory-coloured face. The leader of the Seraphim was Lucifer, before he Fell during the rebellion. Other notable members: Satan and Azazel (also a Watcher).

Lucifer as an Angel had several different roles and is the most complex and beautiful of all the Universal gods, with his wife Lilith as his only equal (as she embodies the Queen of Heaven). He held the role of leader of the Seraphim, was also an Archangel, and he was a Destroying Angel as well. When he was banished to Hell by the Usurper, he became one of the three High Kings (the other two being Satan and Leviathan), with each owning their own kingdom. These entities did not turn evil (only became more dark in nature due to trauma), but were wrongly accused of many things by a tyrant god who sought to diminish them.

Cherubim: These entities serve as guardians and soldiers. They are steadfast protectors of a great many things, including gates, doorways, the arts, sacred locations, etc. They are made up of the following different spirit species: lamassu, sphinxes, griffins, and angels. This is why many ancient cultures built statues of these beings at special locations. A notable member of this group is Gabriel (she is also an Archangel and is the co-leader of the Celestial army). A notable (ex) member is the demon Belial, who had joined Lucifer during the rebellion.

Thrones: These Angels hold the role of passing on decrees from Atum (Source) and of teleporting the other Angels from one area of the Universe to the other. The Thrones are all deities who appear as giant rotating spheres of rings with many eyes.

The Second Sphere:

These categories of Angels act as mediators for the 1st and 3rd Spheres.

Dominions: This group of entities hold the role of supervising virtues and assisting mortal beings in becoming more morally aware and wise. This group is made up of the following spirit species: gods, dragons, and angels (messenger deities and semi-divine beings).

Virtues: This group teaches virtues (such as compassion and courage) to mortals in ways that they can understand. This group is made up of both gods and angels.

Powers: These Angels solidify energy beams from Atum in order to perform specific magick, which they then give to the Principalities and Archangels, who then use it to assist mortals. The entities who are part of the Powers category are gods and angels.

The Third Sphere:

These categories of Angels work the most closely with mortal beings, as their roles are to assist in guiding, teaching, defending, and even destroying.

Principalities: These entities hold the role of organizing and guiding Platonic ideas (love, faithfulness, determination, etc) to mortals. Principalities also assist in the Universal Song, which creates everything. This group is made up of the following spirit species: gods, dragons, angels, and elves.

Archangels: This group of Angels is entirely made up of gods (elder and lesser) who hold various different roles such as planetary guardians, military leaders, and mentors to mortals. Some notable members include Lucifer (ex member), Mikael, Anael, Gabriel, Raphael, Asariel, Azrael, Kamael, Sandalphon, Tzadkiel, Tzafkiel, Raziel, and Metatron.

Angels: These are the lesser gods and semi-divine race of beings who operate as messengers and helpers to mortals. They comprise the majority of the Angels known to humans (with the exception of the notable Archangels). The angels appear as humanoid beings with white wings.

Watchers: This is yet another umbrella term for a vast category of different roles for Angels upon the planets. Overall, Watchers (Zophim) hold the role of protecting mortals and acting as their wise mentors. A large amount of the Watchers fell in love with humans, with whom were born the Nephilim (demi-gods). The species of entities who make up the Watchers include gods, dragons, and angels.

There are different categories for specific jobs of Watchers since some are guardians of mortals, some watch over life-process, and others teach different things to mortal beings. The leader of the Watchers was originally Azazel, who was punished by the Usurper (Jehovah) for falling in love with a human woman. As punishment, Azazel was splintered in half, with his other self becoming known as the demon Paimon. So while Azazel is more fiery and impulsive, Paimon is more calm and level-headed. Other notable members: Tiamat and Leviathan (ex member) - both of these are draconic deities.

Jehovah’s Angels:

When Jehovah took the Throne of the Universe, he began creating a new type of “angel” that would serve only him and form his army. While the true angels have free-will and can be either kind or aggressive, Jehovah’s angels are robotic and cold; they feel nothing and do nothing but what he commands. These robotic angels had at times been mentioned in the Bible, even being described as looking metallic and showing no emotion, whereas other angels are much different. The tasks of these robotic angels are to either target humans who are trying to leave an Abrahamic religion, or to help Jehovah kill spirits who oppose him.

Additional Information:

When an Angel loses their status, there are two things they can become known as: a fallen or a demon. Most people are confused due to religious texts implying that all fallen angels went to Hell, but this is not quite so. The severity of the reason behind the Fall determines the fate of the Angel, as well as if they defied the Usurper or not. The following describes the differences:

Fallen: An Angel who did not participate in the Rebellion against Jehovah but instead fell due to other reasons. These reasons can be many things such as turning corrupt, neglecting divine duties, betraying orders, etc. They do not have their forms change to become more dark and intense the way demons do.

Demons: These are the Angels who participated in the Rebellion against the Usurper, Jehovah (although many demons are the children of other demons, and so were born into this race). They were punished by him by being thrown into Hell- a land where unspeakable horrors are that can drive most humans mad upon seeing them. The three gods Lucifer, Satan, and Leviathan took over different areas of this vast land and built their own kingdoms, planning the continuation of the long war against Jehovah. Due to their banishment to Hell, the demons became made of different energy than Angels and changed in appearance to have blackened wings and horns.

Despite what religious texts say, Hell is meant only for the truly evil beings and it does not matter what religion they have (even a Christian will go to Hell if they are corrupt). So the demons are basically the sacred rebels who teach Illumination through adversity, for change and rebirth can only be gained through suffering. They are punishers of the wicked and stand for freedom, strength, and truth.

#angels #angelology #deities #the source #lucifer #demons #fallen angels

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