#and if thats not something my parents repeat to me nearly every day of my fucking existence to make me feel guilty for being me !!!!

[transgaysex]

i feel like how i feel just is both justified and unjustified

#wind howls #death #<- for the next few tags. dont look if mentions are bad to yoy and im not going into details anyway but jic #its just so dumb. am i supposed to mourn someone i met for the first and last time 2 weeks ago ? how am i supposed to ? #how am i supposed to deal with being conscious of the fact that i was one of the last people to see someone alive ? #how am i supposed to cope with being at the very end of someones existence ! how do i deal with knowing i talked with tomorrows corpse ! #nd fucking literally ! you meet a guy one evening after work going to a bistro bar with coworkers nd the next day the dudes fucking dead ! #dies the very next morning ! but you dont learn about it until two weeks later when the funeral is already done and over with ! #i didnt know the guy beforehand ! i knew his name and what he worked in becayse thats the kind of small talk you do with strangers ! #i didnt know he only had hours left ! i didnt know his time was counted ! and worst of all he didnt either !!! #i cant be mad at him because its not his fault but im mad because i just have to deal with that ! being 1 of the very last to see him live #and it just feels so wrong. it feels like my coworker was pulling my leg when she told me the news. i genuinely thought she was. #but why would she tell me that ? i know it wouldve been wrong either way because like i did talk to him. but she knew him for longer #and i didnt ! im already haunted by death enough as it is ! im sick of it ! im sick of thinking about it ! #and then my other fucking coworker gives me a speech about how fragile life is nd how anybody could die any second as if i dont know that ! #as if that very thought doesnt plague my existence with every single second i dont have a loved one within my line of sight ! #and if thats not something my parents repeat to me nearly every day of my fucking existence to make me feel guilty for being me !!!! #as if* #that im fucking mad about ! i trusted her even the slightest bit with my genuine feelings on the situation and she fucking lectured me ???? #im so glad she doesnt work tomorrow or friday because i cant fucking stand to see her right now im pissed and im sad n upset and lonely #and i feel sick. i feel sick. #ill try to delete this tomorrow. i dont feel good.

[cynettic]

hi, i hope i'm not bothering you, but i can order a Scaramouche × Kitsune reader, the two met before the vision hunt (and before he was a fatui if you want) the reader was always in the same place, sometimes having a conversation , the good old routine, but with the hunting of visions the reader disappeared not wanting to give up his own vision, and years later a reunion, SFW or NSFW is by your will, thank you, I really admire your work

Summary - Scaramouche met you as a child, growing up with the constant assurance that you would be right there, sitting at your spot where he could meet you with every visit. He isn't happy when you suddenly disappear.

Pairing - Kitsune!Reader x Yan!Scaramouche

Warning - Slight Yandere warnings?

Penpal - Ahhh- hope this is what you were looking for. I couldn't find a spot to put much nsfw unless I considered writing more for the series ( I could, just put a request in if thats what you’re looking for ). But I hope you liked it!! You're not bothering me at all and I'm glad you like my work!

A/N - Alright- so considering that with the 2.1 update with Scaramouche coming in, I just wanna state beforehand that I wrote this prior so I dont know if we learn about his backstory or anything!!

Link for Part 2

Stay With Me

Scaramouche was used to the routine he’d found himself going along with every visit to Inazuma. As a child he’d pass through the wild fields that stretched just beside his hometown, adventurous and curious with all the tenacity of a child.

And of course you, a kitsune that sat perched on the ground awaiting the Kitsune Saiguu, was bound to notice him. Unlike the other earth kitsune statues, you hadnt turned to stone during your wait. Instead, staying in the same place did you interact with travellers and the locals, which included Scaramouche.

“Fox person!” The little boy chanted, pulling at the hems of your clothing. Bright blue eyes bore into your own, and you slowly shifted your head to pay attention to the boy who was on the verge of bouncing on you.

Humming in reply to his excitement, the little boy paused, both of his small hands still tightly clasping the fabric of your clothes. Soft matted hair brushed past his face in a messy manner, calling out the boy for his boundless running and rebellious urge to keep his hair messy despite his parents wishes.

“Play with me!”

Staring at the boy only a moment longer, you simply chuckled at his antics. “I’m afraid I cannot move from the spot in which I dwell~ Perhaps I’ll be able to entertain you if you bring cards?”

But the young boy had made up his mind at the statement to which you couldn't move. A pitiful frown enfluged his face as he cast you the nastiest glare a five year old could muster. “Boring!” He shouted into the distance of the fields, dramatically turning on his heels and bouncing up into a sprint away. You watched his small figure fade away into the background, absentmindedly sighing and returning to your mindless thoughts.

As a child, Scaramouche would pass by you fairly often. Frequent when he asked you to play with him, and storming away with the same expression when you denied him. Nothing out of the ordinary, you’d lived for an exceptional amount of time, and even though grumpy children were not your specialty, you’d grown accustomed to their behaviour.

Growing up, Scaramouche got no better. You soon noticed his violent tendencies before they became an issue, the way the children shied away from him when playing Temari. Hiding in front of a tough exterior, he scared them away and laughed, approaching you later with tearful sob.

“Will you play with me?” He asked again, trying to hide the fact that he still wept when the other children pushed him away.

But your answer stayed the same, helping him wipe his tears and coaxing him into your arms. Not the first time you’d made contact with a human, but the first time you held them in such an affectionate manner.

It was clear Scaramouche was beginning to see you as some sort of pillar of reassurance when he began running away from home to simply ask to be held. You always welcomed him with open arms, urging him to head back to his household and sort things out. There was no harm in simply providing love and comfort for a child who received none was there?

“Now now, hurry back home little one. Your parents must be growing awfully worried if you’re out by this time at night.”

“My parents dont care about me!”

Darkness slowly pooled into the fields, an obscure shade covering the two of you from the tree you were under. Biting back form your normal emotionless statements, you pondered for something to soothe and convince the boy. Misunderstandings and hardships were normal from what youd seen with children, and you could only offer your hand on his shoulder, a promise. “Go back, I promise to stay here if anything further happens. But you shold give them another chance dont you think?”

And so he’d sprint back to his hometown, and you wouldnt hear from him again till he ran up right up to you a few days later. Begging you to play a game with him. The normal you supposed, and with a grin that seemed to stretch wider with every day, you told him the same thing you told him every single time.

“You cant move?!” Scaramouche nearly yelled one time, tiny fists curling at his side. “Thats… thats stupid!”

“It is isnt it?” You only smiled in response.

Unsatisfied with your response, he clawed your arm, pulling you with all his might. Strong, you realized with surprise that he was much stronger than most children his age. Easy enough to tug away from, but strong enough to take you off guard.

Snapping your hand back to your side, you narrowed your eyes. You weren't angry… no, you hadnt felt strong feelings like that after the disappearance of the Kitsune Saiguu. “Do not attempt to move me,” was your curt response, said in the most stern voice you’d used with the boy.

He’d looked at you only a few seconds longer before bursting into tears, turning away and running. You didn't feel regretful for defending yourself, only turning once more with a tired sigh to stare at the distance.

But just as you stayed ageless, Scaramouche grew older. Still, crossing each others pass was inevitable when you sat in the plains, just alongside the path that lead to his hometown.

With a permanent scowl that seemed to stain his face, he still seemed to have mature a tad bit. Maybe hadnt improved in the social department, because he now scared children and adults and alike, but more mature…

“Hm? Whats this?”

Once again, sitting criss cross under the large tree that provided the perfect shade on sunny days, you stared at the boy expectantly. His hands hesitated at your question, but he resumed shuffling. “Cards,” he simply said in response.

A small featherlike feeling flitted across your chest, making you feel lighter and… almost ticklish. A small smile crossed your face, and you recognized the emotion to be one of adoration. For him to have remembered words you’d spoken years ago, it gave you a warmth you’d sorely missed. A warmth akin to watching him and the other children grow up.

“Ew, dont smile like that, its creepy.”

Swatting at his head, he frowned further when you laughed. “You’re more mature,” you pointed out, lazily leaning back. “You need to work on your people skills though, as someone who hasnt moved in years, thats pitiful that I know more than you.”

“Shut it!”

But as he grew up, you hardly got to see much of him. He’d reached your height and then fully disappeared, leaving no goodbye. And much as you hated to admit it, you hardly noticed, not when days passed in a flurry. You were used to being by yourself, entertaining the kids and greeting the people that passed by.

Sometimes, there’d be the reminder of the warmth he’d given you. But it was quickly overshadowed by your duty to remain seated in wait for the Kitsune Saiguu. A dedication kept in its earnest, but beginning to dwindle.

Inazuma was beginning to change.

“The vision decree…” you repeated, staring at the traveller who’d mentioned it to you. “Care to elaborate?”

The new archon threatenening to take away visions from every inhabitant of Inazuma. It was preposterous, so much that you didnt move. Your vision meant the world to you, but so did the Kitsune Saiguu. You werent sure just how you weighed the two till you saw civilians passing by you, ones you recognized, ones that didnt recognize themselves.

It was snowing, cold snowflakes melting into your skin while your hair soaked in the water. Unflinching, you hummed to a little tune, awaiting someone to pass you so that you could attempt to strike a conversation of somesort. The unnatural weather distanced all who entered the field though, and you simply waited. For the Kitsune Saiguu, for someone, or for some form of entertainment, you didnt know. You Slowly closing your eyes, you decided not to care.

“Im gone for five years and you’re still sitting here like a dumbass.”

Eyes snapping open, you find yourself face to face with a complete stranger. Dark purple hair with dark blue eyes, piercing and dangerous in a way you dont recognize at all. Fancy clothing that you cant identify or put a name on.

The boy took a step towards you, crouching down to stare at you directly. His eyes scanned over your figure briefly, and he brushed the snow out of your hair and ears with one flick of his hand. In the next, he was offering a coat to you. “Take it, you’re probably getting cold.”

You leaned forward, ignoring the coat he offered you. Gently, you raised your hand to brush the hair from his eyes, centred on the way his pupils widened. Offering a small moment of surprise and one glimpse into the small childlike blue eyed wonder he was. “Kiddo,” you breathed, pulling your hand back and scanning him once again. “You’ve grown.”

“And you havent.”

Snickering at his comment, you took the coat. You didnt need it, but he looked like he didnt either. He was already wearing clothing that kept him warm, and with careful observation and an untouched coat, you settled on the fact that he’d brought it here. Brought the coat here for you.

“Still havent improved with those social skills of yours have you?”

He scoffed, letting himself fall back till he was sitting fully. “I dont want to hear it from someone who refuses to move an inch for years. Lazy ass.”

You open your mouth to retort, but instead laugh at his comment, shaking your head. “Gained some humour on your journeys have you? Bad words too it seems. Anyways...” He had sat down, which meant that he meant fully well to sit, chat, and catch up. That familiar warmth filled your chest, a contrast between the cold snow. “Welcome back.”

It wasnt often that Scaramouche visited Inazuma, but when he did, he was sure to visit you. The two of you would sit down for hours, talking about the most trivial topics. He never mentioned what he did in his time away, and you never asked.

But things began to go downhill when news of the vision decree finally took action.

“Its no joke anymore! The Raiden Shogun has taken custody of almost a hundred visions!”

In that moment you made your decision, weighing your vision over the Kitsune Saiguu. Awfully selfish you knew, but you’d spent decades sitting there in wait.

And for the first time you sat up from your position on the ground, clumsily stumbling upright but gaining balance. It takes a few steps until you’re back to normal, and you begin your journey in order to escape the Raiden Shogun’s vision hunt decree.

_-_-_-_

You didnt expect to see him again.

Long grass tickled at the skin of your legs, making you adjust your footing to no avail. Sun slowly descending past the mountains to mark the start of an evening and the soon approaching night. A normal day of exploring the mountains and islands of Inazuma, observing the constant changing situation, and running away from the vision decree like a favourite past-time.

With the exception of a firm grip on your wrist.

Dark purple like hair, same hate brimmed eyes and lavish clothing. You recognized Scaramouche the moment he had appeared, looking just as surprised as you were. That being before he snatched your wrist and snarled, “You.”

You wouldve considered it pure luck to find him, an unexpected reunion with someone you actually remembered. But no, his tone had some predatorial edge to it that had you cringing. Hard. “Yes, its me.” You answered back with a frown, trying to loosen his hold. “Nice to see you too, is something the matter?”

He only seemed confused at your words, pulling you closer.

“Something the matter?” He asked as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. “Well, to start, you’re not sitting at your damn spot.”

Taken aback for a moment, you wondered if that sole fact was what drove the boy to such lengths. Surely he couldn't be so troubled over the fact that you moved… “The vision hunt decree, I'm sure I mentioned that I was sticking around in wait for the Kitsune Saiguu. I decided to wander around and avoid the conflict until I could settle back.”

“You could’ve waited for me,” he stated almost instantly. “I could have protected you.”

You felt your brows furrow quizzically. “Wait for you? Why in the world would I-”

“Why wouldn't I?” He pushed you closer till he could fully grab both wrists, taking a step closer as if his words would resonate clearer in your head. “You took care of me as a child, it would only be fair for me to repay the favour.” But he only seemed to be looking for excuses. “And besides, you can't just up and leave… I didn't know.”

Before you could interject with the obvious answer that he didn't need to know, you stopped. You’d lived decades, nearly centuries if you’d kept count, and you had learned to read people's expressions even when you’d stayed away from them for so long. He didn't know. It hit you in the most unpleasant way that he wasn't aware that it was none of his concern. To him, you were just another thing he needed to keep track of, something he had control over. His face basically screamed, ‘I depended on you to stay in that place.’

Deep breath in and out. You’d lived long, longer than him, you could deal with a child throwing a tantrum.

“Don't worry,” you gestured to the vision ta your side. “I'm strong enough to protect myself, I appreciate your concern, but I’ll be back when the vision decree ends.”

Unconvinced, he pulled you closer, just until your faces were mere inches away from each other. “No,” he said in a stern voice. “I’d rather you by my side, where I can protect you. I hate to question what you’re capable of, but you’ve been sitting down for as long as I’ve known you for.”

“I’ve lived decades more than you,” a simple reply, hopefully enough to get by him. You snatched your hands back with ease, ears flinching slightly when a cold breeze swept past you. But you stayed firm, not wanting to look vulnerable against the imposing air he had around him.

Still unconvinced. “You’re coming with me.”

“No I’m not.”

You’d known him as a kid, watched him grow up along with all the other small ones in his hometown. And maybe you admit you cared a smudge bit about the warmth he gave you when settling down to play cards, but he was different. He had changed in the worst way and you weren't about to deal with it.

“So you’re not coming with me voluntarily?” He asked softly, taking a small step to which you responded by stepping back. He had his hands up, as if telling you he wouldn't hurt you. But the way he said voluntarily sent shivers up your spine.

“No.” Hand on your vision, you held your own hand up threateningly.

He took his time when tilting his head, taking a deep breath in, and then appearing in front of you in just a short stride. Too quick to react, you hesitated before you could attack him. You didn't want to hurt him, he was still a child in your eyes, and you paid the consequences for that. He slid his hand just along your neck, and a jolt of electricity seemed to thrum inside you just as you collapsed in his arms.

Scaramouche was quick to catch you, hoisting you up into his arms dearly. “I do hope you’ll come to understand,” he said softly, cradling your unconscious form in his arms. Making sure not to crush your tail when carrying your legs, he looked past the mountains, sigh resting on his lips.

Because Scaramouche liked to have control of the things he held dear. Like keeping all your valuables neat and tidy in a closet, he was happy knowing you were safe and stable in that spot you always sat on.

And he couldn't have you moving could he?

#genshin impact #genshin headcanons #genshin oneshot #genshin fanfic #genshin scaramouche #genshin scaramouche x reader #scaramouche x reader #genshin impact x reader #cynshealthysfw #genshin fluff

[jordanlahey]

“A Blast from the Past...” (2/?)

Pairing: Poly!lost boys x Reader

Summary: The boys feast and chase downs local witch coven and it didn’t work out in their favour. Home was home but at the same time it wasn’t.

Warnings: language, innuendos

Word count: 1761

A/N: sorry it too so long I’m just catching up on fics now. Also can we appreciate this gif of Paul and Dwayne? 😍

"So you're telling me you are really from 1987 and some witch got mad at you and you came here is a cloud of red?" I repeated what david had told me, trying to make sense of it all, it didn't quite seem real but then again they are vampires and I have powers so what even is real anymore? I stay quiet trying to think of something anything.

"Don't forget we ate the witches whole coven." Paul chimed in, he seemed to be so proud about it but he just seems like a happy-go-lucky guy.

"What if I could help you find a way to get back? I'm not sure if I really count myself a witch per se but I can try find something?" I suggest, it's not the best idea but it's worth a shot. The boys all looked at each other seeming like they were having a silent conversation between the four of them.

"What's in it for you? Why do you want to help?" David lit another cigarette, blowing the smoke out as he leaned back into his chair. If was a fair question, what is in it for me? Nothing I'm just trying to help but was there really a need for me to answer?

"I can't think of anything at the top of my head. I mean while you are all sleeping during the day I can do something to keep unwanted visitors away so that another incident like earlier doesn't happen again?" Another silence in the room, I could sense that they were uncomfortable talking about anything in front of me considering we had just met, I would be uncomfortable spilling anything if I couldn't trust someone. I pull out my phone to heck the time it was nearly 5am and the sky was starting to brighten.

"Hey what's this thing?" My phone was snatched out of my hands by Paul as he eyed my phone, Shaking it, tapping it and putting it up to his mouth trying to talk to it like a walkie talkie.

"Hey give that back!" I jump to my feet and try to get it from him but he holds it above me so that I can't reach it. "Paul give it back!" He threw my phone to Marko as he did the same, I ran towards him then he flew up into the sky "that's not fair! Marko please!" I could tell David and Dwayne were amused buy this as I run between the two blonds.

It went on for a good few minutes however, Paul had landed in front of the entrance to the cave and the sun was just away to illuminate the cave. "Paul! Look out!" I run towards him again this time knocking him out the way of the sun rays, the rest of the boys hid where the rays wouldn't effect them but they were still in the same area as you and Paul. In other circumstances I wouldn't have been awkward at all but since I'm lying on top of the blond vampire it was more that awkward. Paul looked at me and wiggles his eyebrows at me causing me to roll my eyes at him and go try and get off of him.

"You're welcome for saving your ass being turned into a pile of ash." I huffed "now go, dont worry I'll keep anyone out of here in the mean time." With that they all crawled into a dark hole which I assumed their own sleeping space. If I'm being honest I hadn't even slept yet, I'm sure they wouldn't mind if I napped on the sofa? I would go to the small bed that I mentioned earlier but they tensed when I spoke about it.

Before I head off to sleep a cast a small little protection barrier to keep people out if they were to come near it would just look like a massive rock on the outside. I cuddle up on the sofa and slowly drift off to sleep.

*****

I slowly awoke from my meant to be nap and I check my phone for the time I knew the boys weren't going to be awake since the sun was still up. It's 1:30pm I  some had time to kill, I did plan on going home and getting something to eat maybe charge my phone for a little while before coming back and trying to think of a solution to sending the vamps back to their time. If I'm heading out I'll leave the little barrier up cause if I break my word they'll have my head for sure.

I headed to my home and greet my grandmother but she seems to be with a client at the moment so I leave her be and head up to my room to grab my computer and some spell books. I know it's cliche. My grandmother and I run a smoll café shop near the boardwalk, as well as a place to eat it's also a place for visitors or open minded people to come get a reading etc and we even sell small things like crystals, sage, candles etc all the good witchy stuff.

"Y/n, you were out late I didn't hear you come in." My grandmother startled me, I sigh in relief.

"I stayed at a friends house sorry about that, hey you may be able to help me." My grandmother looked at me and smiled. "How does time travel work? Are there any spells for it?" I chew the bottom of my lip, hoping she won't as me about why I'm asking her this to be honest she's smart and she knows all kinds of magic. However, she looked at me sympathetically.

"Oh honey, I know what this is about." Now I'm the one confused. "You want to time travel to stop what happened to your parents I know, but you can't change the past and if you do then you'll have to sacrifice something in return and suffer the consequences." She was way off I know this already i can't change the past but I need to send the boys back to their time, thats the same as time travel right?

"What about spells to send people back in time. Like to their time?" This stuff is confusing as heck.

"Why would you want to know something like that, honey?"

"I...it's for a book I'm writing about spells, I'm just curious." I am a terrible liar and she can see right through me. "Grandma, you are the smartest witch I know please tell me." She looked at me and I could see the cogs turning in her head if I wanted to I could tap into her mind as see what she knows.

"That isn't going to work sweetie, a witch always has a block on her mind so that no other beings can read them and I'm terribly sorry but there is no spell for that and there never has been." With that she leaves my room back down to the shop where she probably has customers waiting. I sigh in annoying. Bullshit. If there was no spell then how did the vamps get here there is always a counterspell. Nothing is ever permanent.

I finish grabbing all the books and my laptop then head downstairs to go back to the cave, it's 3:15pm the sun doesn't go down till 7ish this gave you roughly 4 hours to find a solution or do something else but you'd rather head back to the cave and keep watch there's no doubt gonna be some people poking around there and you have the best job in the world. Being a guard dog for a bunch of vampires.

Back at the cave you, sat down on 'David's' chair and proceeded to look through all the books you had about magic and spells, there had to be something here. Your nose was too buried in the books you failed to notice how quick time went by and still no sign of a counter-spell. Your book was snatched from your hands, startling you and you tried to calm your breathing as Paul flipped through the book and turning it every which way to understand the text. Which was stupid it was in perfect English probably words he isn't familiar with god bless.

"How long have you been reading the Mumbo jumbo? It's basically snoozefest." He tossed the book on the ground near the others and went flicking the through them all.

"I wouldn't expect you to understand and I've been looking through them for 3 hours maybe?" You answered, picking up the book you were trying to read.

"Really that eager to get rid of us?" Your eyes shot you the platinum blonde, he smirked at you as he walked towards you causing you to walk back into the wall.

"N-no." You swallowed thickly. "Last time I checked you wanted to go back home." You tried to rid your voice of any insecurity, probably failing miserably. David leaned closer to you.

"Last time I told you that's my seat." He stepped away from you and sat in HIS seat.

"It's not like you were using it." You huffed and muttered under your breath, this made him smirk more. "Paul could you stop tossing my books around please."

"I'm bored." Paul whined then latched himself onto you then Marko joined in.

"Let's have some fun, ayy Paul?" You looked between the two blondes as the face you a smirk and you broke out of their grips.

"Woah woahh woahh! And Don't look at me like that." You warned as you backed away from the group of vampires.

"Like what?" Marko pouted, you mentally cursed yourself and huffed.

"I'm not food! I probably don't taste good anyway so no biting I mean it." You warn again mostly at the two blondes who were sharing knowing glances.

"How would we know if you taste bad if we don't try it." You backed away from the boys then ran behind dwayne who was just watching, using him as a shield from the 2 blondes. "Like he's gonna help."

"Stay back! I have a Dwayne and I'm not afraid to use him!" This caused the boys to erupt with laughter.

"You're adorable." Marko laughed, you pouted and rolled your eyes.

"Come on you four, I bet you are all hungry anyway let's find you something to eat." You nod time the exit of the cave.

#the lost boys #the lost boys 1987 #the lost boys fanfiction #the lost boys headcanon #the lost boys imagine #the lost boys x reader #david the lost boys #dwayne the lost boys #lost boys x reader #marko the lost boys #paul the lost boys #the lost boys paul #the lost boys david #the lost boys dwayne #the lost boys marko #poly!lost boys x reader #poly!lost boys

[bitchfitch]

A Nice Chat In The Park

[complete]

Cherry trudged with her hood up and her hands shoved into the pockets of her pants. She felt like a traitor just for considering this, but her options were so limited that she really didn't have a choice. 

Haze, the demon that had been terrorizing her city for years now, was sat in his human disguise on a blanket in the local park. Exactly where he was every Wednesday around noon during the off season for the local soccer team. He liked to watch them struggle, and to feel their frustration when he sent them sliding on patches of mud that weren't there a moment before while he waited for his husband's lunch break to roll around.

She sat beside him without saying a word as he snickered after sending two players crashing into each other. Really, now would be a great time to test out the enchanted switch blade he'd given her last Christmas.

"Cherry darling, So nice of you to pay me a visit. Will the rest of The Bed-Fort Club be joining us soon?" he asked with a light voice. Cherry wished she hated Haze as much as the rest of her team, she really should, but he was the only one who called her by the right name. She never even told him it. He just started using it and her knew pronouns the day after she had had her realization without needing to be told them.

No one else knew yet, so she didn't blame them for not using the right name, but something about Haze just going with it without any questions or awful comments made him a bit more ok in her book. 

"No," she huffed, "I needed to ask a for a favor," 

"As your nemesis I think I'm obligated to say no, but I'll still hear you out," he adjusted the sunglasses that hid his coal black eyes from the world before continuing in a slightly less cocky tone, "I have something to ask of you too, so maybe we could make a trade?" 

"Maybe," she swallowed hard and took a deep breath, "I want you to take me prom dress shopping. I have the money I'm just… I just don't want to go alone,"

"You wouldn't want one of your friends to take you?" he sounded genuine, but Cherry still grit her teeth. 

"No, because like, most of my friends are cool, but... remember when you wore that dress to my uncle's party?" 

"Yeah? The blue one right? If you want to borrow it you can you know. No deal needed because I can't exactly wear it again after all the fuss Mr.Denver made over it," he rubbed his face, "Did you know that he tried to get Mr. Hopsworth to fire Aleistar over that? Said I was- you know what? I don't actually feel comfortable repeating what he said to a child," he tried to laugh it off but Cherry could see the tinge of hurt in the way the tips of his barely pointed ears drooped. 

"Yeah, I don't think I could pull that one off. But, uhm, Uncle Jerry wasn't the only one making comments about the whole man in a dress thing. Most of the- please don't take this out on them we were just being stupid and I'm sorry- but, The Bed-fort Club was being just as awful about it." she pulled her knees up to her chest and wrapped her arms around them to try and feel a little more comfortable after that confession.

Haze sighed, "Oh sweetheart, I'm sorry that happened. That must have been so rough for you to have to sit through," his voice was soft as he put a hand on her shoulder to try and comfort her. Cherry hated how nice Haze was sometimes. How in these brief little moments he was more friend than enemy even though he stayed the same demon between them.

"You're not mad?" She didn't like how weak her own voice sounded.

"Not at you or your friends. I've gotten used to that sort of... joking," he shrugfed as pulled his hand away from her, "At least you lot weren't saying it to my or Aleistar's faces. I think that was the biggest fight we've had yet, when he got home after that meeting…" Haze trails off, "But that's the past now. I'll take you dress shopping, no problem," 

Cherry felt a pang of guilt that nearly overshadowed her worry. She remembered how mad her uncle had been, and she remembered being the one to suggest he tried talking to Hopsworth about it. Not to get Aleistar fired, but to make him consider that maybe keeping a demon around wasn't great for him. But now hearing that it might have almost actually worked, she felt her gut twist up with regret.

"And what are you going to ask in return?" she tried to swallow down her guilt, he didn't need to know that that had been her fault.

"Would you consider talking to your friends about leaving Aleistar out of this?" He asked frankly "He's getting older, and his heart isn't great anymore. So I don't want you all stressing him out so much,"

"You care about his heart health?" Cherry had to stop herself from snorting, "Isn't him dying sooner better for you because you'd get his soul faster?"

"Fuck you." Haze didn't stop himself from cussing at her, "Seriously, Fuck you. I'm offering to help you get a stupid dress. Ive been nothing but a good nemesis for you. and I've Never hurt you or anyone you love in the entire time you and your lackies have been chasing me down." The sudden 180 snap in his attitude from where they had been a moment before nearly sent Cherry running.

"You're a demon-" she tried to start justifying her words but he steam rolled on.

"Cherry, you dont fucking get it do you?" he was practically snarling as he stood to loom over her, "You think you have always just been one step behind me right? One step too weak to destroy me for good?"

"What are you-"

"You've never come close. Every time you think you have is because I let you. I could level this city in seconds, I could destroy everything you have ever loved with a snap of my fingers. That's my nature you know? To cause mayhem and suffering," he gestured aroumd them, not really paying attention as the grass he stood on began to wilt.

"And thats why we wont Let you-"

"Shut Up. You and The Bed-Fort Club have Never been what's stopping me from doing that. You've been a fun distraction to play with when I'm bored. Can you fucking Guess who I'm actually stopping myself for?"

"Him, because if you didn't he'd banish you and you wouldn't get his soul," she snapped back, "I know how this works,"

"No, you fucking Don't," he wipes at his eyes, and only then did she realize he'd started to cry behind his sunglasses "Your parents, everyone at that stupid company, everyone who sees Aleistar and I out on a date, they think I just want his money. That I'm just a gold digger. And the thing is? I don’t care, because he knows that I don't need his money,

"But every time you or Sammy, or who ever else who's in the know looks at us, they think I just want his soul. And I'm so fucking scared that one of these days he's going to listen to one of you. That he's going to Believe you over me. And that just like that, the happiest thing that has Ever happened to me will just be Poof! Gone! Sayonara happy house husband life, time to back to Actual Hell," he grit his teeth which had turned to fangs at some point during his rant as his skin tinted a bruise purple and his navy hair fluffed up to look more like his namesake. He crossed his arms and hugged himself tightly as he tried to calm down.

"And you know what Cherry? Had it Ever occurred to you that Maybe, just Maybe, I'm with him because I love him? That I ignore my nature because I just want him to be happy?" He never yelled through his entire rant, but the drop in volume, and the change from rage to desperate hurt in his tone was enough to make her wish he had just been yelling.

Cherry looks up at him in shocked silence for a moment. The only other time she'd seen Haze have any sort of out burst like this was when Aleistar was in the hospital last year and he and Sammy had gotten into a huge fight in the waiting room. 

"That's the truth?" she asked, not really knowing why but also not really knowing what else to say.

"Yeah, and nothing but the truth," He sighed wiping his hands over his face one last time as he forced his disguise back into order, "I shouldn't have snapped at you, I'm sorry. I'll just... I'll still take you dress shopping if you want me to, and I would still like it if you could talk to your crew about leaving Aleistar out of this, but I'd understand if you've changed your mind," 

"No, I uh... I think I'd still like you to take me. And, uhm..." she trailed off for a moment, "I'm sorry too, I guess I just never really thought about you and him actually being a couple," 

"Yeah, you and everyone else," he sighed one last time as he pulled out his phone at typed something before pressing send. A moment later Cherry's phone beeped, "There, you have my number now. I'm... I think I'm going to go interrupt whatever Aleistar is doing. Have a nice day and succumb to the forces of evil or whatever," he walked off without giving her time to reply. 

When she checked her messages to set up his contact in her phone she found the one from him, 

"Tell Sammy to stop mailing my husband exorcism books, we're running out of both room and oragami ideas for them

-XOXO Uncle Haze."

She groaned a little at his signature.

#just a snippet from later on in the story once the bfc are in high-school #and in case its not obvious #yeah cherry is a trans girl and her pseudo adoptive demon uncle supports her completely

[funkymbtifiction]

hey, me again (the person you typed as SFP). Thanks for your respond. First of all; you are certainly right about me using fi-te, thats actually i am quiet sure about by now (even though i had some trouble seeing myself as a feeler at first because it is usually described that feelers are in general more empathic and i can assure you no person i know would ever use the word "empathic" to describe me)...

You sound like an NP in what you wrote here, yes.

Fi's appear stoic on the outside, but are a swarm of specific emotions on the inside. They are self-referencing; if something doesn't ignite an emotional response in them, they don't care and aren't particularly sympathetic from "the outside," hence why people call them "cold." But they are very easily insulted, if they're INFPs. Much more so than an ENFP, who will consider it through Ne/Te more often than Fi.

#question

[letterstomilen]

i discuss the classification of igneous petrology as you fall asleep during my lecture (PART 1) (ASMR)

Childe/Zhongli, Alternate Universe (read part 2 here) When Childe's younger sister tells him about the volunteer at the library, he does not make the connection between that and his new favorite ASMR YouTuber, Rex Lapis.

Childe has a very effective method of getting through college. His little sister, who’s caught him making coffee at three in the morning on more than one occasion the past week alone, would beg to differ. 

“You’re the best older brother,” she starts off, and he’s sure she’s trying to convince herself more than him at this point, “but you need to fix your sleeping habits.” Then, because she’s his little sister, she’d flash him a smile and pat his shoulder reassuringly.

(The comment is not lost on him though. He understands his sleeping situation will eventually wear him down if it hadn’t already, but he believes if he’ll drink a coffee every morning and a Monster every night, he’ll get through three days. By the third day, he’ll hardly be coherent but that doesn’t matter because he’ll conk out for the next twelve hours and then repeat.)

“Don’t worry, Tonia,” he says, trying to sound as reassuring as possible as he contemplates whether it’s worth it or not to swallow a pill of 5-hour energy with his morning coffee. “Once break ends, I’ll get back to normal.”

“You said that six seasons ago.”

Childe frowns, trying to remember if his sleeping schedule was this dysfunctional last year. “Huh?”

“The Walking Dead seasons,” Tonia clarifies, as if she’s not twelve years old and the show is for grown adults. He thinks. He hasn’t checked Commonsensemedia ever since La Signora labeled him as a “helicopter parent” and his Netflix tab has been playing How to Get Away with Murder as background noise for the past few weeks.

Isn’t it a show about zombies though? Tonia’s sheepish smile tells it all, because it’s the same exact guilty look he had when he got caught red-handed as a kid.

(Once he remembers later, Childe promises himself, he’ll check out The Walking Dead.)

“Oh. Well. I have a lot of shows to catch up on, you know. Not to mention a ton of my professors gave me reading for over the break.”

A half lie. They did give him a lot of reading because each professor assumed that their classes were his only one, and with seven days left, he still has a textbook worth of reading to go through. But there are no shows that Childe would sacrifice his precious sleep for. As a matter of fact, he would love to sleep. He’s spent the majority of his classes back in high school sleeping and faking attention, saving his grade at the last minute — it was quite the extreme sport really, if he says so himself.

Whenever he tries to sleep recently, his thoughts run at several hundred miles per hour, and he spends several hours staring at the ceiling before succumbing to the computer at his desk and watching trashy movies. At this point, he must have gone through the entire romance comedy list on Netflix. (Not a proud point in his life but if anybody ever wanted him to give a list of best to worst romance comedy movies, he now has one.)

Tonia, on the other hand, isn’t incredibly convinced.

Admittedly, the excuse was lame. Also, he can’t easily lie to his little sister, who’s far shrewder than he takes her for at times.

“You never start your reading in advance. You like to speed read it right before your class or watch a five-minute video on the chapters while your teachers take attendance. But that’s… uh, ‘a bad work ethic.’” Tonia looks immensely proud of herself as she says this, finishing it off with, “Zhongli told me that.”

“Zhongli?” he repeats, trying to remember if that’s one of her classmates or some stranger that’s hoping to kidnap his sister.

“The guy that volunteers at the library sometimes. He recommended me a loot of good books to read, but he talks like an old man.”

“How old?” Childe can tell she’s enjoying this — talking about her new friend at the library that he’ll probably have to run a background check on.

“Like he’s in his sixties or something. But he looks… actually, he looks your age! And he’s a student too. I told him all about you.”

Well, that doesn’t sound very reassuring coming from the mouth of a twelve-year-old. He’s not sure if that translates to his social security number, his current dilemma, or just that he’s her older brother.

“Like all of the stories you told me when I was a kid. And then when Lumine came to pick me up, she stayed to show him pictures of you too.”

“Of course she did,” he mumbles, ruffling her hair. One of these days he’s going to move without telling his classmates and the twins won’t enter his apartment unannounced. (But Tonia adores their company and the stories they tell her far too much for him to actually do it. But that doesn’t mean he’s above making threats when they tell his little sister about the bet he made about white-out and how it could dye hair. The jury is still out on this one.) “She’s just mad because I get away with it and she doesn’t. But don’t do it yourself. It’s a bad habit,” he adds, remembering that he should at least try to be a good influence on his younger sister when he can.

“Okaaay,” she says unconvincingly, before shaking her hair and running off to her room with lunch he prepared for her.

Watching her close the door and no doubt continue her binge of The Walking Dead, he takes out his phone and texts Lumine.

 Childe

12:35

ur a horrible influence on tonia

 Childe

12:35

and whos this ZHONGLI

 Childe

12:35

also is twd appropriate for 12 y/os

 Twin 1

12:37

a normal person would say hi

 Twin 1

12:37

also 1. me n aether watched it when we were 12 so probably and 2. some guy at the library that also goes to our school

 Well. At least he’s somebody they know. But The Walking Dead?

 Childe

12:38

thats not very convincing

 Childe

12:38

also dont ppl DIE? get BITTEN???? what if she gets nightmares

 Twin 1

12:39

isnt she 12 r u telling me u weren’t watching R rated movies at 12

 Childe

12:42

thats very different from a 10 season long show that is hailed as “one of the greatest horror shows in history” and “paved the way for post-apocalyptic horror”

 Twin 1

12:42

well if she has trouble sleeping she could always watch asmr. that helps me during midterms idk

 Childe

12:42

whats asmr

 Childe

12:43

asking for my sister btw

 Twin 1

12:44

A feeling of well-being combined with a tingling sensation in the scalp and down the back of the neck, as experienced by some people in response to a specific gentle stimulus, often a particular sound.

 Childe

12:45

wtf?

 Twin 1

12:45

people on the internet make random sounds or just talk into a mic n its supposed to be very relaxing. how have u never found out abt this?????

 Childe

12:45

idk the only thing on my youtube recommended r greatest stunts and chapter review videos

 Twin 1

12:47

… makes sense

 Twin 1

12:47

check out rex lapis’ channel he looks like ur type

 Childe

12:48

i thought we were talking about my sister????

 Twin 1

12:50

[message screenshots.jpg]

 Twin 1

12:50

ya she told me everything

 Twin 1

12:50

have fun i need to convince aether to not commit arson bc of his TA

 Childe

12:51

hope he does it

He opens his Youtube app, typing in Rex Lapis and expecting Lumine’s suggestion to be a joke. Despite them being friends for nearly two years now, she’s never made any indication of knowing his type. And he’s sure he’s never been that vocal about it either, only shooting appreciative looks at history majors and paying more attention than necessary to the TA for ‘Tradition of Justice and Law.’ (It’s unfortunate that those short-term crushes never led to anything, but maybe that’s for the better seeing that Childe has never understood the appeal of relationships.)

It is an ASMR channel, judging by the ASMR playlist he finds as he scrolls through the account. The icon shows no face — only a microphone — which leaves him skeptical. Most of the video titles belong in a petrology lecture as well, which makes him even more convinced that it’s a joke. He finds a few readings of ancient literature and decides to pick ‘I discuss the classification of igneous petrology as you fall asleep during my lecture (PART 1) (ASMR)’ because that’s exactly what he needs. (Not the very moment — but ten hours later when he’s in the bed memorizing the pattern of his ceiling wondering why he stole from his fifth grade teacher’s candy jar during lunch.)

When Childe opens the video, he damn near gasps.

The man in the video is exactly his type. His eyes are a soft amber color, framed with long lashes, and it’s almost enough for him to lose his dignity and message Lumine a long thank you text about how she is always right and he’ll pay for her coffee for the following week.  He smiles at the screen, albeit a little sheepishly, dark hair framing his face with a long ponytail that Childe can’t see the end of. On his right ear, there are a pair of earrings with a single feather that brush against his neck when he moves his head.

Even before he speaks, Childe is mesmerized, sure he’ll already memorize his features from the curve of his nose to the way he tilts his head, displaying the expanse of his neck.

Really — he reminds him of actors in historical dramas, the way he sits regally, and how he speaks. His voice is low and slow as he adopts a careful manner of speaking, leaning into the mic.

“I’m Rex Lapis, and I’ll be discussing igneous petrology today, which is part one in a three-part petrology series. I apologize in advance, seeing that my knowledge is limited compared to many petrologists out there but my friend Venti said that many of my viewers are here for my voice, so I’m very excited to start today’s video.”

Holy shit.

For the following week, Childe learns less about petrology, the philosophy of economics, and historical revisionism concerning matters of war and more about Rex Lapis, who is not in love with his voice but often finds himself in the middle of long tangents without explanations. His favorite book series is the Legend of the Lone Sword, which he says he’ll look forward to reading out loud for the channel. (Childe replays that part of the video again and again, captivated by his excitement as he mindlessly taps the mic while he speaks, his tangent cutting off mid-word — as it usually does, much to his dismay.)

His guilty obsession is not lost on Tonia, who realizes that instead of drinking Monster every night he’s been engrossed in his phone completely, often not noticing her or when the water starts bubbling. But because his sleeping schedule has been alleviated, she says nothing until Lumine comes over as she always does, not forgetting their weekly schedule of watching trashy movies while leeching off of Childe’s food.

Because he doesn’t trust the twins with the kitchen — even if they can cook — she instead spends her time sitting next to Tonia and spreading more of her anti-Childe propaganda while they wait. This usually involves Tonia occasionally calling out Childe’s name and asking, “Is that true?” or “Did you really do that?”

This time is different though.

Worried that Lumine finally decided to show Tonia a video of last semester’s presentation, he leans over, looking at the computer screen.

And he’s wrong. Unfortunately. Maybe it should’ve been his presentation because even if he botched it and accidentally projected his work process — screaming notes and all — to the class instead of his actual presentation, it would’ve been better than the two of them watching one of Rex Lapis’ videos together.

The ‘I read Erosion: Essays of Undoing to you as it rains outside’ video, to be specific, which is where Rex Lapis is embarrassed by Venti mid video when asked if this was his idea of a date with a lover. (And then it ends with Rex Lapis asking for video suggestions from the commentors, his face still flushed from the previous comments.)

Oh God — oh fuck.

“So he is your type,” Lumine says, her expression a bit too smug for his liking. Tonia looks half awake, scrolling through articles as the video plays, more interested in ‘Top 10 Glenn Rhee Moments’ than Childe’s crush. Her expression is a bit guilty as she does so — she’s biting her lip and avoiding his gaze, but he assumes that it’s just because they went through his YouTube history.

“I can neither confirm nor deny that statement,” he retorts, but the YouTube history she pulls up once Tonia hands the computer over to her says it all. (It’s quite mortifying, really — even Tonia is giving him a look, but it’s not as bad as Lumine’s shit eating grin.)

“Well… he does have a nice voice,” Childe finally says, thinking that perfectly encompasses his most recent obsession. Because he does have a nice voice — it’s soothing and speaks to him without really speaking to him directly. (The good looks are a bonus, he assures himself. A fantastic bonus, but a bonus nonetheless.)

“He does,” Tonia confirms, smiling toothily up at him, and he resists the urge to ruffle her hair with Lumine staring at him so skeptically. “But I don’t understand much of what he’s saying. He — heh — talks like an old man.”

“Don’t worry, Tonia, your brother likes him because he’s attractive,” Lumine informs her, now fast forwarding on one of Rex Lapis’ videos. “Did you know that he lives nearby?”

“Huh?”

The knife he’s holding clatters to the floor, and the two look down and back up at him with— hold on, why does it feel like they’re in on a secret he doesn’t know about?

“Yeah, he’s working on his grad thesis I think… Aether told me it was about something on history,” she muses. “That’s why I recommended his channel to you. He’s a bit of a celebrity in his department.” Childe’s sure his jaw dropped now, trying to maintain his facial expression as he takes out a new knife to chop up the onions.

“Really,” he tries to say as calmly as possible, wondering how he should accompany Aether to his lectures without trying to seem as obvious as possible. His voice is a bit shaky he realizes but he can’t quite make the connection between Rex Lapis and actual graduate student that goes to his university.

“Yeah, actually…” Lumine is definitely pretending to think now, enjoying this far too much. “He—”

“It’s Zhongli!” his little sister yells excitedly, practically jumping up and down at this point as if she won the lottery. “Zhongli runs an ASMR channel and he talks just like that in real life! Right, Lumine?”

“Yeah.”

Childe sighs, holding a hand up to his face. The realization that he’s been obsessed with the same guy that hears about every stupid thing he did secondhand is way too much — and the fact that he’s been listening to his voice every night before he went to bed the past week is way too much. He’s sure his face is redder than before judging by the amused expressions on Lumine’s and Tonia’s faces — really, they’re mirror images of each other right now.

Not for the first time, Childe swears to himself that he’ll never let her into his apartment without signing a contract ever again.

#Genshin Impact #Childe/Zhongli #Childe & Tonia #Childe & Lumine #asmr fic p1 #fuck ao3 (holds head in hands) #asmr fic

[artificialqueens]

Blue Neighborhood Series: HEAVEN (Brita/Aiden) - Mac

AN: Meggie is my love and my personal guardian angel. All my love and thanks to her for betaing and being my cheerleader.

Summary: Brita is straight. Aiden is annoying. Yet somehow they seem to make a pretty good pair.

Brita smiled instinctively down at her phone vibrating in her hand.

A: what are ure plans during lit class

She quirked an eyebrow up as she typed out a reply.

B: Lit class.

Aiden’s next message came only seconds later.

A: boo

A: that’s boring

Brita chuckled under her breath.

A: come to the bleachers

A: we can throw rocks at the PE class

B: Isn’t that dangerous?

A: no we should be fine

B: For THEM?

A: oh

A: yeah

A: thats the fun part

Brita couldn’t help the giggle she let bubble out.

B: Fine.

Aiden sent her back a smiley face with a tongue sticking out, and Brita again found herself marveling at how such a small gesture made such strong affection bloom in her chest.

Not that she would ever admit it.

Because then Aiden would get a big head and start listing off all the reasons she was superior to every living thing. Brita knew her well enough by now, after a week of non-stop texting, to know what she would do.

Her friends thought it was weird. Specifically, Jackie. Even though she had been there the night of Heidi’s revenge that the two made their initial connection.

“I just never pegged you being Aiden’s type, that’s all,” Jackie had joked.

Brita had insisted that it wasn’t like that. She had a boyfriend. She was straight.

“So is pasta till you heat it up,” Gigi teased.

Brita had rolled her eyes and ignored their comments. It wasn’t weird. She was just making a new friend. A new friend that wasn’t involved in every other aspect of her life the way, Jan, Jackie, and Gigi were. It was actually really nice to have an outsider’s perspective a lot of the time, and Aiden was the definition of an outsider, with her short jet black hair and pallid complexion, as well as her inability to stand anyone else for longer than a few minutes. Her narcissism and general disdain for humanity were surprisingly refreshing to someone like Brita, who, as Aiden had pointed out, was ‘perpetually joyous.’

Brita had called her pretentious for using the word perpetually but had smiled nonetheless at the title.

As she made her way out the side door of the school and headed toward the bleachers, she noted the skip in her step and found that she brushed it off without any real concern. Brita’s heart was hammering in her chest as she rounded the platform to look up into the bleachers.

Aiden stuck out like a small girl wearing mostly black in rows and rows of empty bleachers did.

“Took you long enough,” she teased as Brita climbed the steps.

Brita rolled her eyes. “The bell just rang, you idiot.”

“Idiot? You’re the one skipping class, stupid.”

“So are you!”

Aiden shook her head. “I always skip class.”

“Well, aren’t you so cool,” Brita teased. “What next, you’re gonna tell me you drive a motorcycle and wear leather jackets unironically?”

Aiden opened her mouth to speak but bit her tongue on a reply.

“No!” Brita exclaimed.

Blotches of color jumped to Aiden’s cheeks, and she hid her face in her hands.

“You don’t! Really?” Brita gasped dramatically. “You drive a motorcycle, oh my god, Aiden.”

“You’re the worst.” Aiden groaned.

“You are such a stereotype.” Brita chuckled.

“I am not the bad girl lesbian stereotype.”

“You so are.”

Aiden lifted her head to shoot Brita a death glare, but she only succeeded for a few seconds before they both burst into a fit of giggles.

“Well, your nickname is Brita so I’m not sure I should really care what you think.”

Brita grinned. “At least I don’t have a boy name. Did your parents plan on you being a lesbian?”

“Did your parents plan on you being a water filter? What the fuck kinda question is that?”

Brita chuckled, deep and loud and she wondered in the back of her mind why her chest felt so light, and her head so heavy. It was unlike anything she had felt before. But then again, Aiden seemed to always be pulling things from her that she hadn’t expected.

“So what’s the game plan?” Brita asked.

Aiden smiled and outstretched a hand.

She led Brita back down the steps and around to the rough gravel that covered the ground beneath the bleachers. Aiden pointed at the small gaps in the metal, just wide enough to throw something through if you aimed it right.

Brita learned this the hard way after attempting to throw some of the gravel pieces and having them ricochet back at her at alarming speeds.

Aiden just laughed at her and made fun of her aim.

When students began running around the track, warming up for class, Aiden actually managed to nail a few of them in the legs. Brita did her best to go with the flow, but after Aiden nailed some girl in the head, Brita managed to convince her to chill out for a second.

They sat on the rough gravel, Brita surprised to find herself unconcerned with the scrapes she would definitely have later.

They fell into comfortable bickering. Aiden making fun of Brita for masking her insecurity by being popular. Brita making fun of Aiden for being edgy as a defense mechanism to keep people from hurting her.

Normal friend stuff.

Brita noticed sometime after a while that they were actually sitting closer than she had thought previously. She could make out Aiden’s face more clearly. Could see the pores in her forehead and the wrinkle beside her left eye that was deeper than the others.

And just as soon as she noticed that she noticed Aiden’s lips inching closer to hers and she wasn’t sure who moved first, but suddenly their lips were pressed together like an accordion and she felt tingling from her spine to her toes.

Just as soon as it had happened, Brita felt a hand on her shoulder and a booming voice in her ear declaring detention.

Brita didn’t have enough time to process before she was being pulled by the back of her shirt toward the school. She ducked her head in shame and went about the rest of her day to the best of her abilities, all the while trying to ignore the pit in her stomach and the way she could still taste licorice on her lips if she thought too hard.

When the final bell rang, dismissing them, Brita made her way to the math department hallway, slowly, loath for anyone to catch her going to detention and possibly asking questions she wasn’t sure she had the answers to.

Brita took the first available seat, pointedly ignoring that Aiden was already there and sitting atop the box air conditioner unit by the window.

To make matters worse, they were the only two students that had gotten detention that day. This was according to Mr. Matthews, the home economics teacher who barely made the effort to show up before claiming he had business to attend to in his office, and left the two girls alone in the classroom with a warning to stay put.

When Aiden rolled her eyes pointedly, Mr. Matthews reminded the two of them that he would be contacting their parents about the matter if they couldn’t behave appropriately at school.

“Fuck.” Brita exhaled as soon as the door shut. “Fuck.”

“Shut up,” Aiden groaned.

“You shut up,” Brita snapped. “Fuck,” she repeated. “My parents can’t know.”

Aiden gave an aborted laugh. “It’s 2020 if they still give a fuck about having a gay daughter then-”

“I’m not gay,” Brita cut her off.

Aiden’s posture stiffened, almost reflexively.

“I’m not,” Brita repeated.

“You kissed me,” Aiden spoke softly, testing out the words on her tongue.

Brita shook her head. “Well, y-you didn’t stop me.”

“I didn’t wanna stop you,” Aiden said simply.

“Aiden!” Brita exclaimed, turning to get a full look of the other girl.

She just shrugged. “I am gay. I’m not gonna stop a pretty girl from kissing me.”

Brita did her best to ignore that Aiden calling her pretty made her stomach jump.

Her best didn’t seem to be enough because her brain, ever the helpful tool it was, decided that was a perfect time to bombard her with images to the contrary of her statement. Flashes of Aiden’s smile, her dimples, the night they chased each other around the grocery store to Jackie’s displeasure.

The way that Brita couldn’t describe how incredibly freeing it was to feel understood.

“What’s wrong?” Aiden asked.

“I’m not gay.”

The black-haired girl rolled her eyes. “Why do you keep saying that?”

“Because you don’t believe me.”

Aiden just shrugged. “You’re right, I don’t.”

“Why not?” Brita questioned. “I’m girly, I’m a cheerleader for christ sakes. I like pink, I’m a fan of pop music.”

“Oh c’mon all your fucking friends are gay, you’re not about to tell me any of those things make you less of a homo.”

“Not all my friends are gay. Jan is straight.”

“I’m not so sure about that,” Aiden mumbled.

“Whatever.” Brita shrugged off the comment. “I like boys. I have a boyfriend.”

“Interesting that that isn’t the first thing you mention.”

“I’m flustered!” Brita exclaimed exasperatedly.

“You’re defensive. There’s a difference.”

“You aren’t helping.”

“When have you ever known me to be helpful?”

“I didn’t know you until a week ago.”

Aiden chuckled.

“What?” Brita asked exasperated.

“Nothing,” Aiden shook her head. “It’s just- you would be the one to forget.”

“Forget what?”

Aiden shot her a tight grin as she hopped off the air conditioning unit and walked over to Brita’s desk. “Growing up in the summer, you and me and all the other girls would pile onto our collective four bikes and ride to the ice cream shop.” Aiden shook her head, eyes crinkling up at the edges. “But you never wanted to ride, always said something about it being dangerous. So someone would have to walk with you because we were like six and pedophiles exist.”

Brita just stared at her in shock.

Aiden continued on. “Most of the time it was me. You and I would walk to the ice cream shop nearly every day in the summer.”

“Oh my god, you remember all that?”

Aiden shrugged simply, her shoulders coming up on either side of her head to wall her off from the outside world. “I remember a lot of things,” she attempted to say nonchalantly.

Brita could tell it meant more than the younger girl was letting on, but she let it go for now.

“Sometimes you insisted on holding hands too. That’s pretty gay,” Aiden threw out.

Brita bit back a chuckle, but the twinkling in Aiden’s eyes made it clear she hadn’t been as slick as she thought. “Why do you always know the right and wrong thing to say?”

“I’m good with people.”

Brita scoffed. “No, you’re not.”

“Well, not with them, but I understand them.”

“How?”

Aiden paused and picked at the skin around her thumbnail. “You learn a lot about people by watching them.”

“That’s creepy,” Brita said after a moment of thick tension.

Aiden shrugged.

“Like what?”

Aiden quirked an eyebrow up in confusion.

“Like what have you learned?” Brita reiterated.

Aiden chuckled. “You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.”

“Then show me.”

Aiden’s head whipped around, a smirk etched into the corner of her mouth.

“As you wish.”

She grabbed Brita’s hand and led her down the hallway, ignoring her concern that skipping out on detention was likely to land them in more detention. They headed to the opposite end of the school, through the hallways to the back of the art room, where Aiden stopped Brita from charging out with a hand.

She put her finger to her lips and then mimed taking a whiff.

Brita did as she suggested and inhaled deeply. She was almost knocked over by the stench of weed that filtered through the propped door.

“Mr. Mathhews smokes a joint out there every day after school,” Aiden whispered.

She took Brita’s hand again and led her next door to the theatre, up the stairs to the old prop room. They paused again outside the door and Brita could hear whispered curses and the repeated sound of skin slapping skin.

“Mr. Kressley and Mr. Rice get it on in the prop room every Tuesday while they tell their wives they’re in charge of academic club.”

Aiden took Brita’s hand again and pulled her across the hallway to a set of doors that lead toward the sports stadiums. She propped open the glass doors and leaned against the frame, letting the cool autumn air filter into the building.

Aiden pointed to the far line of trees that made up the side of the baseball field.

“And out in the sports shed, Dahlia sells her old essays to freshmen.”

Brita just looked at her in awe. No wonder Aiden thought she was better than everyone. She was sitting on all this information constantly, keeping everyone’s secrets.

“It’s funny, you know all this dirt on people,” she mused. “You could almost… I dunno, run a drama account or something,” Brita teased.

Aiden chuckled. “Yeah, I guess I could.”

Brita rolled her eyes.

When Aiden turned back around to look at her, they were close again, the same weird feeling taking root in Brita’s chest as she felt Aiden’s warm breath against her cheeks. This time, however, when Aiden moved closer, Brita stopped her with a hand to the younger girl’s chest.

Almost as soon as they made contact, something hard passed behind Aiden’s eyes and she pulled away like her skin burned.

“Aiden.” Brita sighed.

“I’m nobody’s girlfriend,” Aiden breathed, “but I thought we could at least be…”

Brita shook her head lightly. “I am somebody’s girlfriend.”

Aiden nodded once and set her jaw firmly before turning on her heel and heading down an adjacent hallway.

Brita let her go.

She went back to detention and finished the rest of her time, mind still processing the events of the day and her own feelings relating to them.

Sooner than she expected, Mr. Matthews dismissed her and warned her about landing here again. Brita took his advice seriously and nodded, thanking him as she exited the classroom, pulling out her phone reflexively.

She had two Instagram notifications; she had been sent a post and had been tagged in a post. She clicked on the link and felt her stomach fall to her feet.

The school drama account had updated.

It was a grainy picture from sometime in the past week of Brita and Aiden tucked away into a corner of the school. Brita’s head was thrown back in a laugh, and an all too familiar smirk was plastered on Aiden’s face.

The caption made the churning in Brita’s stomach all the more painful.

Opposites attract.

#rpdr fanfiction #brita filter #aiden zhane #aiden x brita #coming out #angst #friendship #feelings #blue neighborhood series #heaven #mac #tw internalized homophobia #s12

[jus-tea]

Going to explain a little about the Miss Rhona lyrics, what inspired different aspects etc, as I’ve seen a lot of people speculating over it, and coming up with their own ideas (which I fully support!) but for those who are curious...

1st Stanza

“Daddy’s at the food store” So, when this was written, myself, my partner, and seemingly everyone was spending so much time going from supermarket to supermarket trying to find the basics, the essentials. Pasta, flour, sugar etc were sold out seemingly everywhere. The weekend just before this was written he’d lined up for half an hour before Costco opened to ensure he acquired some toilet paper- which seemed impossible to get ANYWHERE. I had colleagues who sent their adult children to shops everyday (they couldn’t cause they were at work) to try to find toilet paper somewhere. We ran out at work, and ended up with tissues. People, generally, were spending so much more time trying to find essentials at supermarkets. It’s not nearly as bad now, but just over a month ago when I wrote this it felt like a big issue. Also, “food store”?! NO ONE HAS CALLED ME OUT ON THIS which I find so weird because no one actually says, “food store”?! What a weird expression! So why did I use it? Well! Initially I thought “cost-co” but didn’t use it because I wanted the rhyme to appeal more universally. And we only got a Costco in my city a few years ago and I know plenty of places in the world don’t have one so... I thought maybe supermarket? But thought maybe they didn’t call them that in other countries- market? Market sounded so strange as it’s really only fresh fruit and veggies we get in our local markets here (in my part of the world) and didnt fit with the image I was trying to create and besides all our markets were cancelled as they were too crowded.. so “food store” was initially just a place-hold. I still can’t believe literally no one has said “hey wtf is up with “food store? No one says that” but there you go. It’s in literally every version ive seen as that so... that’s what it is now. So, that line about the food store and collated with the next line, “mummy’s our of town- she’s working at the hospital” was based on news articles I’d read about doctors having to isolate themselves from their families by sleeping either at hospital or in their garage. People who couldn’t see their kids for ages, it was really sad! And then combining these lines, it’s about how these little kids for the first time really are sometimes being left home alone because their parents have stuff they *have* to do; get food or work, and lots of kids these days don’t get left home alone anymore, it was common when I was little but not for a long time! But seemingly suddenly with this pandemic it’s happening again. And I hadn’t seen that talked about but I was seeing glimpses of it and it, felt weird? I guess? So that made for the perfect beginning to a covid19 nursery rhyme- a kid getting left home alone a lot and not being really sure how to respond to that.

So, with the hide away lines, there’s 3 stanzas and in each miss Rhona gets closer. The first one is she’s “come to town”. Now I remember that feeling on that day learning that the first coronavirus case had occurred in my city. Up until then there was a bit of a sense of dread, like you knew it was everywhere else, then in the news it got closer and closer, with cases in small country towns nearby. But when it got to my city it was suddenly so real. And that’s where the story starts because Miss Rhona was HERE. She arrived in the kid’s town. The line, “she’s come to take us down” is another way of saying “she’s going to get you” and also links to the final line which reveals her success “she took us down/she’s brought us down”.

2nd stanza

So, she goes from being in town to being “at the doorstep” which represents getting closer- being in those people the child might interact with everyday- and imagined more literally in the postal worker delivering a package (actually ON the doorstep) or food delivery or anyone who they’d still have close contact with. But “I’ll keep 6 feet away” is a self reassurance that if they just do the right thing and keep their distance everything will be ok. But then the conflict! Grandma needs toilet paper, EVERYONE needs toilet paper and no one can get it anywhere! No doubt the dad is our trying to find some more while he’s at the “food store”. And I was thinking... my children’s grandmother lives in a different state to us but if we were in the same one you can bet your life id be out dropping essentials at her doorstep whenever I could- tp included. (Although, tbh the tp issue didn’t seem as bad in her state from what she told me) so in this bit I guess I imagined myself as the child because that would be something important to me, to make sure my elders had their essentials. Idk I tried to help where I could, got baby wipes when I found it for a friend with a newborn, stuff like that. So the conflict is the child’s sense of responsibility ensuring their grandmother has what she needs, while also knowing that the coronavirus, Miss Rhona, could reside in anyone they meet along the way. Kind of like a little red riding hood situation linking the dangers of strangers. So they open the door due to this sense of responsibility and, oh no, Miss Rhona was at the doorstep, remember? Now the child has it too; “Miss Rhona’s come to stay” IN THE CHILD. This line was to use the imagery of Miss Rhona coming to stay with the child at their house, like an aunt might come to visit for the weekend, but symbolises the virus coming to live within the child, they’ve caught it now, which is why they definitely, “can’t come out to play”.

Stanza 3

“But grandma needs the paper” that’s where the conflict arises again- the child’s sense of responsibility, maybe guilt even? Overshadowing their understanding of just how serious the virus would be should their grandmother catch it. They’re just a kid remember? They don’t understand. So they take her some anyway, everyone needs toilet paper! Also, I know that phrasing it as such misleads the listener to think about a newspaper. Thats how we talk, “I’ll get the paper!” My dad says ... often. But, 2 things, it rolls off the tongue easier than “grandma needs toilet paper” which would’ve messed up the rhythm anyway, and also, for anyone who’s lived it you would automatically know about the “great toilet paper shortage of 2020” 😅 there were so many memes about it and it was funny that everyone was obsessed with it but if you were one of those people who genuinely really couldn’t find any- and there were lots!- then it kind of sucked. And that’s a memory that’ll stick with you 🙈

So. The note. “And here’s a note from Rhona she wanted me to say” imagine the child at the grandmas doorstep, she’s bringing her tp (that’s nice) but the child is infected, and hands grandma a note. I imagined like a little filed up piece of paper in their back pocket they take out and hand over, to pass on the message from their aunt living in their house. As kids would do- what teacher hasn’t given their student a note and said “go tell mr x such and such” and the note is a reminder of what to say. But the note they hand over is also a metaphor. It symbolises contact between the grandmother and grandchild, and as grandma took it, she caught the virus too. And the note reads,

“Hide away, hide away, keep 6 feet away”

Which is that line repeated all the way through the rhyme. In the end, it���s what Miss Rhona was saying all along. Hide away children...

And the final line is a throwback to near the beginning, “she took us down” because earlier remember she came to “take us down” but now it’s happened and we’re in past tense. She did it. She took down the grandma, and possibly the child too, although I left that as ambiguous. To be taken down here is the symbol for death, of course. It’s pretty grim. But that was the point i suppose.

And that’s where it ends. Anything after that, while I’ve seen some adaptations made which sound really cool, doesn’t really make sense with the story, because they died in that moment. And continuing on after that seems a bit overkill, because I gues, perhaps symbolically at least, who would be able to continue singing the rhyme once they had already died?

But having said that, it’s still nice to see people get exited about it and want to contribute more lyrics too. Making up stories, songs, games, art in general, it’s a way we’ve found to cope i think? Like dark and morbid stories are a part of our culture because we respond to them. Lessons, feelings, etc. people far more articulate than I have explained before...

So. That’s Miss Rhona. This explanation was written really roughly and I apologise for that, but you get the gist. I strongly recommend for anyone who hasn’t already to check out the #miss Rhona recordings hashtag on my blog, because some of these melodies people have put to it are really beyond words. Dreamy, haunting. Peaceful. Childlike. Much more than the original chant-like skipping rhyme I originally envisaged.

Thanks for reading this far... please be safe and look after your grandmothers ❤️

#miss rhona discourse

[whorphydice]

“Willingly having another, thats wild” is the name of this google doc

Surprise I wrote this awhile ago and I miss ophelia today, happy Thursday.

A routine. A routine was not something Eurydice ever thought she would associate with her life. She never thought she’d associate routine with anything in life, most certainly not the way her evening progressed night after night.

She didn’t expect a routine to ever involve a child or a husband, never expected routine to be anything more than find a way to survive the night, however it may be. She never expected a routine that some would even consider mundane.

But this. This routine of theirs was anything but a mundane, monotonous part of the day.

There were little joys to be had, in every step of their evening, Eurydice had to admit as she leaned in the door frame of their tiny bathroom. Her arms are crossed over her chest as she watches Orpheus,  with his sleeves of his shirt pushed past his elbows, he is fully kneeling in front of their bathtub, quite literally soaking in every moment.

“Where’s my girl at? I can’t find her!” Comes his airy voice reverberating through the tiny bath space, as he looks high and low playfully. A high, shrill giggle cuts through, and though Eurydice cannot see the girl she can see the bubbles that splash out infront of Orpheus.

“Oh, there she is! Ophelia, where did you go, you scared me!” She can hear, in his voice, the feigned concern that meets the smile on his face.

His hand is gentle on her tiny face as he tilts her head back, the distracted little girl not fighting the trickle of warm water that washes the bubbles and shampoo from her dark curls, splashing playfully as she kicks her little feet in the quickly cooling water. He repeats the motion a few times, until there is no remnant of soap left in her downy hair, quickly settling her hair with his hands as he reaches for the little yellow towel behind him. He wraps her and scoops her out in one quick motion, holding her tiny body to his chest as he shivers. “Oh are you cold, i’m so sorry Miss Ophelia.” He coos to her, practices hands shimmying the towel to dry her and her dripping hair off. “I think it’s  time for some Pa-Jammies, huh?”

Orpheus has her against his chest and shoulder, holding her with one arm as he works to drain the bath water. Her thumb settles in her mouth and he wonders, briefly, if she’d fall asleep before they even got her dressed for bed. He’s gently rubbing circles on her back with his hand, when he hears her soft babbles that quickly become coherent words.

“Mama” He hears her coo, and turns to find his wife in the door way, standing there and simply observing.  Her hands are still over her chest and her head leans against the door way, but her face is graced with a gentle, loving smile that he can’t help but fall a little more in love with.

“You’re right, Opheila, you’re such a smart girl.” He assures, leaning down to kiss the top of Eurydice’s head as he passes by, feeling one of the toddler’s arms reach towards the woman in question as they pass her.

“Mama, now.” She whimpers, her tiny fist grabbing at the air in Eurydice’s direction, no longer soothing herself with her thumb. “Mama?” Ophelia whines, batting her long eyelashes towards the woman, as her bottom lip pushes out in a pout.

“You’ll get mama as soon as you’re dressed, okay?” Orpheus tries to offer, already laying her on his own bed as he digs through her little pile of clothes, searching for a specific white sleeper for her, one with purple flowers he had always loved. “Ophelia..” He sighs, trying to catch her as she rolls over to her stomach, pushing up quickly to nearly steady feet. Orpheus catches her with one arm, pulling her tiny body back down, where skilled hands quickly and efficiently button her into the footed pajamas before turning her loose.

Ophelia is pushing up on her hands in an instant, running off towards her mother, still safely in view of her the entire time. Her tiny feet carry her as fast as they can, nearly slipping on the hard floor in her footed pajamas, as she plows until Eurydice’s calves. She falls, but smiles regardless, her few teeth prominent as she looks at her mother with all the love in the universe in her eyes. “Up, mama?” Ophelia requests, sticking little arms up and cocking her head Eurydice, grabbing for her with tiny hands.

There is a pain in her heart that she can’t quite describe as she bends to pick up the baby, settling her closely to her hip. Ophelia has her head on her chest in a minute, her ear resting over her heart comfortably, the steady thrum of Eurydice’s heart always being her favorite lullaby despite the beautiful words Orpheus strings together for her nightly.

Eurydice holds her to her chest, swaying just slightly as she locks eyes with Orpheus, giving him a look that he cannot quite decipher.

“Love, mama.” Ophelia murmurs, little hands finding their way to the inside of the thin camisole Eurydice wore, patting gently on her sternum.

“I love you too, sweet girl.” She promises, kissing the top of her head before gently settling back into the loveseat they called their couch, bringing her feet to tuck underneath her. Ophelia is cradled in her arms, looking up at her with wide, patient eyes. She’s sucking her fingers, resting her cheek on Eurydice’s chest. “I know, I know, you’re a hungry girl.” Eurydice sighs, allowing Ophelia what she wordlessly requests, closing her eyes tightly in a silent prayer that today is not the day she bites.

She’s still holding her tightly to her chest, her thumb tracing her little cheek as it has every time they’ve shared a moment like this in Ophelia’s entire, eventful life. “We love you, Ophelia.” Eurydice speaks for them both, as Orpheus settles beside her.

His arm is around her shoulder, his hand coming to rest on Opheila’s head, fingers combing through her dark hair.

The pain Eurydice feels in her chest is different, not the sharp pains of hunger but a dull tug, a tightening that she cannot quite place. She thinks it may be remorse, or loss. Odd, to mourn this life she’s always dreamed of.

“You look sad, love.” Orpheus whispers, kissing her temple as they watched their daughter, no longer an infant as she was, settled between them. “What’s wrong?”

“She isn’t a baby anymore.” Eurydice admits, shifting her legs so that instead of leaning on the arm of the couch she leans on him, leaning her chest against his. “I just.. We missed this. We didn’t get to do this together.”

“We’re together now, thats what matters-”

“It’s just not fair.” She mutters, shaking her head quickly. “You are the best father. In the world. And you were robbed of so much. When she was born, Orpheus, her entire body fit right here.” Eurydice runs a hand along the top of her chest, in the space Ophelia slept most of her early nights. “It’s not fair, you had to miss so much. She isn’t a baby anymore, but you were robbed of her being a baby. Being our baby. She was so little. She was so tiny and I had been so worried the whole time.. I didn’t think you could have a living baby down there and I was so scared that she wasn’t going to- but she was alive. Alive and perfect and so.. She was everything I didn’t know I could dare to want.” Eurydice admits, her thumb still steadily stroking circles on the little girls cheek, watching as hazel eyes fluttered in a fight with sleep.

“And she had this smell to her, I can’t even describe it, but it was just this smell and I didn’t want to ever forget it. Forgetting her was my biggest fear.” Eurydice’s fingers strum on Ophelia’s back, coaxing her to sleep right as she nursed. “And she used to do nothing but eat, I swear, but she was so tiny it made me feel important. Like I was doing something good for her. Like I was giving her something worthwhile. For six months I did nothing but hold her. I held her all day and night and Persephone had me pulled from the line because I don’t know what I would have done with her. Seph, she held her a couple of times too but she was mine, Orpheus. She was my baby, she was your baby and all I wanted to do was hold her and protect her and love her. You would have loved her so much-”

“I do love her so much, whether I was there when she was born or not, I know I missed things but so did you. But that doesn’t matter now, we’re together. We don’t have to miss anything ever again. We get to be together, we get to be her parents together.” Orpheus promises, grabbing the nearby blanket and tucking it around Eurydice and Ophelia, settling it over her hips. “We’re together now and we don’t have to miss anything else. Of course I wish I could have been there, I wish I could have seen her the day she was born, too. But we can’t change it, not now. We have her and thats what matters.”

“Would you want another one, maybe?” Eurydice asks quietly, really, asking herself as much as him. “Just one more, thats all..”

Orpheus squints at her, pulling back to look at her thoroughly. It was something of course he wanted- of course he did- but had never expected to have. Eurydice went through enough to give them Ophelia, he never was going to ask her to do it again, to surface memories and experiences that he could not fathom.  “...do you want to?”

“I never thought i’d be choosing to have another child, no. I never thought i’d have one at all. I never thought i’d have a husband, or not have to worry about where my next meal is coming from.  But I have all of these things .We have all of these things.” Eurydice gently nudges Ophelia’s sleeping head so that she can pull her top up, running her finger over her tiny nose as she did so. “But yeah. Yeah, I do want to. I want to see you  with our little, tiny baby. You are the best father… Ophelia is so lucky to have you. The world would have better people if men like you raised them.” Eurydice decides, pulling the heavy wool blanket around them both, specifically tucking it around Opheila’s limp with sleep body. “I miss tiny baby smell, and the feeling of her in my arms, when I was all she knew. And I want you to get to hold your new baby and fall in love with her faster than you can believe. I do, Orpheus, I want another one.”

“I never knew what you went through, to have Ophelia. I don’t know what it was like and I.. I don’t like to think about it. But, Eurydice, i’d like that. Very much. If you want one, so do I.” Orpheus agrees, nodding enthusiastically. It was, in truth, a dream.

“So we’ll have another one then?” Eurydice asks, raising an eyebrow at her husband.

“We’ll have another one.” He nods, pressing his forehead to hers, a soft smile on his features.

“Great, lets start tomorrow.”

If anyone had told Eurydice that a routine of her husband singing bathtime songs to their daughter was part of her future, she never would have believed them. If anyone told her that holding a dark haired little girl as she fell asleep with her skin against her own would be the highlight of every night, she would have laughed. Eurydice was a survivor, not a domestic kind of girl.

Especially, if someone had told Eurydice, that she and a poet with pretty words with decide on the coldest day of the year to have another child, with intention, purpose, and love, she would have packed her things and left as fast as possible the implied commitment enough to make her run.

Then again,  Eurydice has gotten used to being wrong.

#hadestown #hadestown fanfic #hadestown au #ophelia tag #orphydice fanfic #orpheus #eurydice #Ophelia au

[joy1579]

Hey. If its not too much can I request RFA finding out MC was abused as a kid after they have a panic attack/episode about something RFA did/said thats usually considered innocent, but has bad connotations to MC? Only if you're willing. I saw some of the other things you wrote and thought you might be ok with writing things like this. Im really really sorry if I'm wrong. Have a nice day.

okay so a couple of disclaimers here

1 i have never experienced abuse so please note that this may not be accurate to real abuse recovery

2 while i have had panic attacks they were few and far between and not connected to consistent anxiety or reliably predictable triggers

3 if you or anyone you know is experiencing abuse or suspects abuse reach out get help. you and they deserve better 

anyway i hope this is okay since its a bit of a departure from my real life experiences 

The RFA when MC who was abused has a panic attack

Jumin

-        When you first break down he doesn’t know how to help

-        He gets down on your level if you’re in a chair he’s knelt in front of you if you’re on the floor he’s right there with you.

-        He talks you through breathing exercises he learned to help with business stress

-        He stays with you no matter how long it takes NO ONE can separate you two

-        It isn’t until you explain that he truly understands what happened

-        He asks you to tell him EVERYTHING that makes you even the littlest bit uncomfortable and he avoids it like the plague

-        He also does a lot of research on how to help someone through a panic attack so he’s prepared if it ever happens again

-        He learns grounding techniques and how to help you visualize a safe and happy place

-        He encourages therapy and begins donating to charity geared towards preventing child abuse regularly

-        He’ll never understand how family could do that, they are supposed to love, cherish, and encourage each other

-        He reminds you that you are a han now and no one will ever hurt you again. He vows to show you what family is meant to be

Yoosung

-        You’re in his arms the second your he sees you break down

-        He rocks you gently and hushes you gently

-        Its repetitive and grounding and honestly helps you calm down a lot

-        As soon as your calm he helps you get ready for bed, he’s never had a true panic attack but he knows how exhausting it can be to cry like that

-        Later he asks what happened and listens intently

-        The whole time you explain he’s deathly silent and your done he pulls you into a gentle hug with shaking hands

-        You’ve never seen him angrier. It’s a cold anger that stole the light from his eyes

-        He’s careful not to let you see how truly furious he is though he might text zen to vent about how shitty people can be but he won’t mention you or parents because he wants to respect your privacy

-        He starts being extra careful about raging at video games so he doesn’t remind you of your family

-        From that moment on he makes sure that you are close with his family he wants you to experience a warm and happy family

-        He also sets about making sure you experience everything you may have missed as a child

-        He wants to replace every bad memory with 10 good ones

Saeyoung

-        He recognizes the behavior in an instant and is gently guiding you to the couch

-        His voice is gentle and slow as he reminds you that you are safe, you’re here with him. You’re an adult and far from anyone that would try to hurt you now.

-        He’s chanting these phrases like a mantra and your nodding along repeating after him to help ground yourself

-        He’s careful not to hold you to tightly or move to quickly and make things worse. He knows all the major things that can trigger those feelings of helplessness and makes sure to memorize the little things that are specific to you

-        He watches your face to know when things hit too close to home for you and always has a way to get you out of those situations discreetly

-        When you explain what your home life was he holds you gently and reminds you that none of it was your fault.

-        He tells you that just because some people should never have had kids doesn’t mean those kids shouldn’t have been born it means those kids deserved better.

-        Honestly you opening up to him helps him open up to you about his experiences

-        It actually ends up being very therapeutic to both of you

Zen

-        When he sees you shaking and sobbing his hands are on your shoulders before he can really think about what he’s doing

-        His grip is firm and steady as he locks eye’s with you his gaze is piercing and he refuses to let you look away

-        “breath with me jagiya” and you slowly start to synch your breathing to his deliberately slow and deep breaths

-        It isn’t until you’ve completely calmed down that he pulls you into his lap and lets his breath go ragged with worry

-        He wants to beat up your family but he knows you need him to be calm right now and he’ll do anything for you

-        He was never physically abused by his family but he knows the emotional side of abuse all too well.

-        He makes sure you know your worth reminding you of everything he loves about you.

-        he hears about “open when” letters from a coworker and makes you a bunch for when your anxious, or sad, or insecure. You keep them on you all the time

-        he’s careful to never be violent around you because he doesn’t want to remind you of your family

-        He tells you that blood family isn’t nearly as important as the family you choose. He promises that both of you will make your own family

Jaehee

-        Doesn’t know what to do when you first breakdown

-        Is very worried and awkward because she doesn’t know what caused the breakdown and doesn’t want to make it worse

-        Once you calm down enough to talk you tell her what happened and her face goes pale

-        She asks if she can hold you because she’s worried you may be touch sensitive right then you nod and she pulls you into a gentle hug

-        She tells you that people often take their own insecurities, stress, and anger out on people who can’t defend themselves. When they do that they are being cowardly and petty

-        She mentions that none of it was your fault you were young and should have been protected and nurtured not hurt and cut down

-        She suggests therapy and does research to make sure you get good treatment

-        She even puts together a panic attack kit

-        It has lavender spray and a pocket watch to help you slow your breathing and focus on something external

-        The kit also has a small notebook to keep track of triggers, panic attacks and thoughts. As well as your medicine if you take any

[kendrixtermina]

Now here's an all new theory for where the procrastination comes from

Like the uni councilors thought of like generic selfhate insecurity or like spineless ppl pleasing (nope an anime cured me of that when I was 13 - thst sounded more like what that ladys own problems might be), fear or failure & wanting to spite my father, eveb that getting ahead through "talent" was an unfair advantage bad tainted and evil, or that "talent" meant being beholden and controlled by others (definitely somewhat right - we worked on that, it helped, the second guy was defs much much more helpful & compatible cause he focussed a lot more on strategies than wannabe-maternal pep talks) but there was always something else there that wasnt getting touched

In tje end I dont think I have talent and in any case what really matters is attitude toward "living the examined life" for example whst you do. What you notice.

Now I did notice that things get harder to do precisely because I actually want them(whereas a lot of ppl get distracted from stuff because they dont really want it) - at the same time I can totally function or pick up new habits in day to day life its not like I have some "hardware problem" like, say, ADHD or the like.

Like of course its some emotional knot it couldnt be anything else but I feel they didnt identify what kind of knot? Certainly not that first lady. If im trying to get clarity and you give me reassuring pep talks you just freak me out more for the love of god tell me whats happening. Nothing worse when a Doctor says "it will be over soon" rather than explain the procedure

Fear of/ distraction from wanting itself never really occured to me thats not a common stereotypical fear that ppl talk about.

Let me get this straight I never thought I was better than anyone I knew very well that I'm not. I thought of both those things as ways not to get bullied, maybe get somewhere where I feel that im in the right place.

If I look back at really breaking experiences it was times I really really wanted something and then I couldnt do it or some outside party stepped on my fingers. That Tori Amos Music Video where she escapes from a psycho killer's trunk and then the passerby's dont help her? That was my most favorite music video in the world for years maybe still is.

Like I was told I could maybe skip third grade and I poured all my energy and passion and strenght into that everything I had to do well, make friends with the new class i was so highly motivated I aced all the exams I felt so happy & fulfilled just being in thst flow state all the time... i wanted this more than anything. Maybe it was the first time I really wanted something beyond vague dreams or base desires. But the homeroom teacher hated my guts and put the kibosh on that; Probably because I was unwittingly repeating some of the artogant classist shit my father spouts without realizing how hurtful it is. my parents thought it wasnt worth going to the higher ups for that but having to essentially redo 4th grade in a crap school in the different town we moved to was one of the worst times of my life. Also I didnt find out that the teacher had hated me/acted in a petty way until years after I thought I just failed. That there was a possible place I could have belonged but turns out I really belong nowhere after all.

All my effort was for nothing. It was such a joy - i mean these days even getting code to work or solving math problems has that same joy - but all that effort and joy and wanting did was that... im tearing up and searching for the words to even process this tbh. I think I denied that joy, told myself that I was just a stupud kid thinking I was a special snowflake. It didnt even matter.

Rather than insist on staying up late to make sure my homework was done I just stopped caring and hardly did another piece of homework in my life just faking it on the spot or coasting through. It could have gone another way maybe if it werent for the bullies and my father the chief bully or if only I was more determined but it was like "okay I dont care anymore I just dont care" and I think thats stayed my default response to dissapointment to this day.

This TV show didnt turn out like I wanted? I dont care its just a tv show.

My father treated be with hatred all my life? Its okay I dont care about him and I dont want his love anyway.

Like there were other times when I thought I could be happy.

Like I really wanted to go to this boarding school for gifted kids. Again I thought maybe incorrectly that this would be a place where I can belong and not be bullied it was never about being better than anyone.

Again I wanted it I clamored and cried and made noise nonstop. Maybe I still hadnt wholly lost contact with willpower back then. I still thought of myself as strong willed.

And my father made me regret it. It was around the same time that mom briefly considered divorce maybe I was just the stress valve. Or he took it personally as wanting to get away from him. Duh he abused me of course I wanted away from him. He was such a suffocating control freak! Mom said yes first then he spoke to her and suddenly she followed everything he said. Thats when I really realized how emotionally manipulative was how abusive... i mean one of my first conscious memories of him is thinking "oh crap I will be just like cinderella" but he really laid it on so thick so transparently even a 10 year old could tell its manipulation. If you do this you dont love your mom. If you do this you dont love your siblings. If you dont obey me your mom will kill herself. No she wont you jerk even my 2 year old self could tell youre abusive.

The most cruel thing he did was briefly say yes. Again I got so happy. So invested. Just bending all I was towards that even though he bombarded me with abuse and mental torture.

And then on the day we were supposed to leave he said no youre not going.

Maybe I actually did say I didnt want to go because of one time he was doing this constant scientology type torture on me

That same reaction: "I dont want it I dont want anything so please please let me be"

Ppl think of bad childhoods as a game that you win if yoz turn 18 -or 28 maybe - without killing yourself. But its not. Every year you live it can take away from your potential. Every day less than you have to live it

He sure didnt let me have sucess with his overcontrol and abuse. Anything I was proud of he rules. When I graduated from school with a fairly good but not perfevt final score he humiliated me. When I turned 18 he humiliated me. Everything I did was a burden even just feeding and washing me. Hed give me unwanted white elephant gifts then bitch about how giving them to me ruined his life cause he had to work so muxh "Ingrate Ingrate Ingrate" Butch I never asked for anything I want nothing!

But as I had to eat I did in fact have to ask things of him and I hated it so much.

No wonder that I turned out afraid of wanting things eh?

Hed seen some poster when we went to see tje school I wanted to go to - not by the school by an individual student - about the history of abortion portrayed in a positive way or at least that was his official reason why I couldnt go. Again I had wanted something badly with all my being and again all my being availed nothing. Irrelevant like I didnt exist. All my screaming gone unheard.

And this is so silly cause im not a child anymore I have control and if I were to stop procrastinating I could have money and gave even more control.

I havent even spoken to him in years now hes no longer relevant. Its not about him its about thus bad pattern I picked up.

I like how this books handles it with the idea that certain experiences dont create the type but that it nakes you uniquely suceotible to certain kinds of hurt or certain misunderstandings.

Because with all this discourse about bad message free media ive really come to think that while it can and should be minimized its not possible to eradicate cause human mibds are so quicl so fallible to extract overgeneralizations and make it mean something abput themselves

Like an immature statistical learning model easily overtrained by noisy data.

Another time I was nearly happy was when I started looking for work, doing my thesis...

Same pattern I was engaged, happy to be engaged talking to ppl at both work and in the uni work group loving it all so much...

my life had started to feel meaningful again. And it had gotten to that point in part because of my ex-fiance. Yes the councelling heloed taking up meditation helped, getting high on morning glory that one time helped a whole lot got more self esteem from that than I ever got from my father.

But that all started because of my ex fiance.

He was an i tellectual type and he had a sense of purpose about him like hes a legendary character and everyone around him became legendary too. And he found me useful! Others had called me "walking dictionary" with mockery and scorn he called me his google and it meant love and admiration. Maybe I got a bit of an ego trip off of tjat but I also really stupidly dumbtastically loved him I bragged of him to anyobe who listened everything he did seemed fascinating abd interesting and meaningful, but also I just loved the sweet gentle warmth of being next to him in the morning. Once again I was happy and everything was joyful even when it was hard, I felt strong and meaningful and useful and I let myself openly want things.

And then it all blew up. Worse yet i was so mistaken abozt him it really shook my confidence in my own judgement or any sense of clarity. I was si confused during the fucking breakup like I hadnt been since I left my father's house.

Google hah! More like his personal Alexa! It turns out he didnt respect or like me at all.

I couldnt even be sad or angry cause it was all my mistake. The one feeling I allowed - and even that took me weeks to identify - is dissapointment. Heavy leaden dissapointment i didnt even kniw that was a feeling you could feel so strongly. I didnt even do anything wrong you have to open yourself to have love. He could habe choosen to love me he just simply didnt. He probably thought he did but he wouldnt evebn do something as simple as not make fun of my voice or clean when I am sick.

Once he started putting me in the "wife" role he just became unable to see me. His loss really cause I think he wanted to keep me from all those annoying texts and email he had the nerve to write.

By all means I was right to trust but also right to leave later but still my sense of certainty and purpose and meaning was totally shaken. He did the sort of romantic stuff I didnt think was real. I knew I loved him when we had this conversation about water on mars. He got me the perfect books for my birthday! He said I was pretty and a genius and looked just like an actress. He got me this titanic esque heart pendant with stars. We were stuck at midnight in a train station that one time and he pulled out a picnic rug two plastic glasses and a shampain bottle. It never worked out but he said he might take me to see the LHC! I really thought we would be buried in the same hole folks!. He had read that same steven Hawkings book that I loved. One of the rather few books he actually read as I would find. Sigh.

And I fell right back into that same old pattern. Dont care about anything dont want anything it would be stuoid unrealistic and silly to want.

When I first came to uni I also had this feeling of hapiness and belongingness and wanting, I was putting in an effort, talking to ppl more.. and when things went wrong the slightest bit I pulled by hand back from that like from an open flame.

And here I am years later most the sucess or contact I get is comments on my fanfictions.

I thought I was doing that, or drawing, because its Stakes/Evaluation-free (going by the fear of failure theory) or because at least with the ffs gratification/payoff for effort is immediate compared to original stuff or uni work. Its a nice little niche at least.

I mean I do care about it its not "just" distraction but maybe ive been profaning it in that way... and so etimes I dont even do that and go for full unadulterated undebatable distraction; Line to 7 I guess. Tje only reason I spoke face to face to anyone else than the delivery guy this week is that I had some doctors appointments.

But not its distraction from stuff Im too lazy to do or even from pressure like I always thought. But from wanting things.

So the original fiction went great while it was a distraction from school not so much when its one of the things I most want and actually have the time to do it.

Even thought thats the most practiced skill I have that I never stopped working on since I was 10. 🤦‍♀️

I mean they already explained that its basically like meditation. Or weeds. Or popup ads. Youve got to click them away as they pop up.

I always told myself thst I didnt have to be happy... and thats not even untrue actually but it would sure be neat to be happy again one of these days.

#enneagram #enneagram type 5 #feelings #enneagram 5w4 #5w4

[itchyboogers]

hello comrades

my name is grace. i'm gonna be honest right now, not sure exactly what this post is. just because i can't function without order, i'm gonna make a list of reasons why i'm sharing my story:

to spread awareness

because i need an outlet

many of my friends suggested i share this

simply to entertain whoever might take a look at it

just in case, because of my paranoia, i’m saying right now i don’t want any witch hunt. i feel like saying this is really reaching in terms of how many people are gonna read this, but my concern insists. this is gonna be a long article, so i’m putting the little “read more” thingamabob right here. 

trigger warning, for like, everything

about me; prologue?

as you saw above, my name is grace. i’m 19, and this is a very personal experience that i’ve gone through. first, let me introduce everything that’s wrong with me. i have high-functioning autism, and throughout my life my autism has been the root of my downfall. ever since 2nd grade i’ve gotten the short end of the stick. you always hear about prodigy kids whose grades and social lives falter as the years pass, i am 100% one of them. this story isn’t necessarily about me, but i’ve been through some shit, son. 

i have a family that is more supportive than i could ever ask for, i’m not gonna lie and say that my at-home life was miserable - because home was my safe place, and public school was where i fought my battles. i was a very eccentric kid and while my autism has limited me, it has also given me the ability to think outside of the box, blah blah blah so i’m grateful for it as well. 

by the time i got to 6th grade, things went way more south than i thought they could go. i was a bit of an edgelord back then so i was skipping 4th period with my friend in the locker room. we’re dicking around, looking in lockers, climbing the stalls, being stupid kids. somewhere along the line we jump into the topic of sexuality, and she tells me she thinks she might be bi. i said that wouldn’t change anything about us, and that i might not like boys at all. 

she told me about her parents not agreeing with the whole gay thing and she wasn’t even close to thinking of coming out of the closet because her parents would disown her. real fucked up, but it happened back then still quite frequently. i promised her i wouldn’t tell anybody and that i wouldn’t even think about outing her to anyone, and we gave each other a cute little friend hug, it was cute.

about 3 days later on the weekend, we’re texting and a small argument boils between us and another friend in a group chat. it starts to become a bigger argument, because kids are stupid and dramatic, and i definitely was. she ended up kicking me out of the group chat and i cried myself to sleep (i know lmao). i went to school on monday and i immediately get called into the principal’s office, regarding sexual assault claims. she lied and told the school faculty that i tried to touch her inappropriately during that time we skipped class in the locker room. she also got her friends to tell everybody.

long story short i became severely depressed, gained weight, got my head shoved in a toilet filled with piss by some 8th graders friends with that girl’s older sister, and started self-harming to suppress my urge to hurt other people. my meds got switched around (it’s why i gained weight) and i ended up switching schools because a public school had an IEP i think it was called? anyway

blah blah blah countless school stories and misfortunes blah blah blah crohn’s disease blah blah blah ambulance sent to the school all that jazz. it’s gonna hurt too much if i talk about PRLC, but basically there was a low-funded school for kids who wanted a second chance due to disability, drugs, ect. it was out at a wildlife preservation park with all sorts of animals, i met my best friends there, became the person i am today, ect. but staff changes ended up changing the school for the worse and eventually i got dismissed.

very long depression period, i got kicked out from the school i used to call a second home back in 2018 and this cycle hasn’t ended yet, to this day. i’m hoping writing this will give me some closure or something, because writing about my misfortunes online has sent me opportunities in the past. i am not a perfect person, i never have been, and i can still name many things about my psyche and outlook on life that i’d like to someday change.

the main course

this is where i start talking about somebody that i won’t mention by name, but i’ll call him music boy for convenience. in december of last year i got to see my favorite band live for the second time, the first being april of 2018. i love this band with all my heart, and i’m not going to mention them by name. but after the concert i was going through some heavy post-concert sadness, and i wanted to share my love and appreciation so i find a semi-active discord server dedicated to said band, and i join. i make some friends and acquaintances over a span of 2-3 months.

marijuana got legalized in my state this year, something i had been anticipating for a long time, ergo from january 2020 to the beginning of april 2020, i was in a constant state of stoned off my ass. nobody saw sober grace until the late days of april. i was not in any way able to make proper decisions regarding, say, a relationship. and it was really obvious that i was high, nobody would have thought otherwise.

after i get home from a birthday vacation to arizona on february 2nd, i start going in the voice chats for the server. i would say in the general chat something along the lines of “sick, i’m super baked i’m gonna go bother the voice chat” and i end up in a group chat consisting of most of the server members that are “of age” (so not too many). at this point i’m barely aware i’m making friends, but one person in the group i really happened to resonate with. her name is Christina, and she’s to this day my number 1 mom friend and goblin sibling. <3

i meet a handful of more people in the group chat (we called it the “after hours”) and we have a lot of fun doing different activities over discord. for example we all decided to sign up for club penguin online (which is now proven to be run by a predator, i believe) and we all battled each other in card-jitsu. or i would share my screen as i went on Omegle and did goofy high shit on there and met people under the “memes” or “weed” tags. 

in this after hours group chat, one of the active members was music boy. he was the owner of the server dedicated to the band i love. why music boy? because he wants desperately to become a famous musician. there’s something about music boy that’s... ‘different’. i don’t know if anyone knows what i mean when i say, his energy was awry. the best way to describe music boy is kind of mean, but it’s the only way i’m able to express how this guy is as a person. i can best describe him by saying he expects his life to play out as a WattPad fanfiction, him being the main character. 

just so you get the main point, this one time i was on Omegle dicking around ha ha funny random people, but music boy was silent. he then typed in the chat that he was gonna go on Omegle himself and do something painfully unfunny, he said he was gonna get his guitar and use that as a prop to “vibe check” people on the website. it wasn’t funny but everybody (me included) was sort of brainwashed into thinking he could do no wrong. don’t know how he got me to laugh at that, especially with his delivery of the joke. 

yet, he didn’t want to “vibe check” people, i know that now - he just couldn’t stand when he wasn’t the center of attention. so he left and told a mod, who was also in the group chat, to join the server voice chat with him. and he announced that he was streaming himself vibe checking people on Omegle. the iffy part about that is that the entire reason he made the after hours chat was to keep NSFW stuff off the server, and it was basically prompted by me streaming myself messing around on Omegle and seeing a lot of (pretty expected) male genitalia. i’m not gonna explain that any further because anybody with a brain can understand why that was a confusing move on his part.

eventually february 14th came by, and i, being as high as i was, decided to send music boy a bunch of goofy valentine’s day cards, like the ones that were popular in 2013. i kept sending them because at the time i thought it was so funny, and i’m a natural flirt when i’m stoned. keep in mind everybody knew they hadn’t seen me sober yet, the joke in the server was basically 'when is grace not high?’ so it was evident that my decision-making process was impaired.

for some reason music boy wanted us to all play DnD, even though half of us didn’t know or give a rat’s ass how to play. i would make stupid jokes, and everybody would laugh, but music boy would exaggerate, he would go ‘oh thats how it is? is that how this is going to be’ or some unfunny shit like that because he thought every single joke or reference that anyone made had something to do with him, because, you know, he is the main character, after all. he eventually made a really embarrassing big deal about him ‘accepting my valentine proposal’ and then he went to bed i guess.

the next day or two is a blur to me, all i remember and know is that Christina knew that he was taking advantage of me always being super high, but she didn’t want to assume anything. like she had always seen me make a joke and then would see music boy turn that joke sexual, even when it was nearly impossible to make a suggestive joke out of what i originally joked about, which to be honest was probably my flawless Sméagol impression. but he would repeat the Gollum voice and say something unfunny that we all laughed at.

basically, if you haven’t caught on, music boy is a major egotistical narcissist that cannot stand having somebody that isn’t him being paid attention to. he told me his “dream” (that's TOTALLY gonna come true, by the way) was to go to a concert of the band the server was dedicated to, but he would show up in a custom made shirt that said “[lead singer of band] IS A THOT” and then the band’s guitarist would point it out and laugh because it’s SO funny and then get the lead singer’s attention, who would pull music boy on stage and challenge him to pehen he would start serenading the crowd and all the girls’ panties would instantly get soaked, all the tabloids would hear about it, and the band would jizz their pants, and he would become an overnight sensation.

here’s where stuff gets dodgy. i’m not claiming this is abuse, because i don’t have experience with abusive relationships, and i’m not in any place to assume that i understand what it’s like to be in one, but my friends have told me that he mentally abused me and took advantage of the state i was in. somewhere along the line he would, in the group call, tell his sob story about how all his friends ghosted him and tried to cancel him because of some sort of misconduct accusation in a previous server, and how i was his savior for putting my trust in him and believing his side of the story and he said some things about becoming a happier person because he met me, and it was all very unnecessarily dramatic and extremely manipulative disregarding if he noticed he was doing it or not.

I.E.

“and... then I met this girl... this really weird girl! then i saw her face, and i thought i loved her, but i found out she only liked girls and i lost all hope but then out of nowhere she sends me valentines cards! and now shes my valentine”

or some really really stupid gay shit like that, it’s the best i can imitate him without gagging or getting sick. then eventually (eventually being equal to ‘within the first week of meeting me’) he hEsiTaNtLy asks me to, like, idk be his e-girlfriend. he knew i was baked to oblivion and wasn’t in a proper state to make up my mind on anything serious but then again am i the main character? 

no. 

music boy is the main character.

if i’m being gut-wrenchingly honest here, i only genuinely liked the idea of being in an e-relationship with music boy for a day or a day and a half. the entire time i was just stoned out of my mind and not thinking as i normally do, i was nonchalant until april fools day when all hell broke loose in the server. on a live stream, the lead singer of the band made a suggestion that he was in the server that music boy made. and dear God, you would have thought it was the second coming of Christ by the way music boy reacted to it. 

he was being unbelievably hyper, even for someone with ADHD. he was hauling his uncanny-valley looking forcibly ripped body around his room like a genetically mutated spider monkey, banging his head against his bed, stopping mid-sentence to play a quirky chord on his handy dandy acoustic guitar while he looked in the webcam and made a quirky blank face. it was like watching a six y/o meet Iron Man, even though there was nothing really to be too elated about. 

he made an emoji for it and everything, he even posted on the “Official [band name] Discord Server”’s instagram account, but it was just a video of him, and the thumbnail was his goofy ass face, the whole video was just music boy saying unfunny shit trying to lowkey promote the server while flexing at the same time, something like [lead singer] we know you’re here!! you are welcome here my lord idk lmfaooo

but at this point i was becoming too sober to stand by silently and watch this moron suck his own toes, i wasn’t gonna act like his music was good and i wasn’t gonna act like he was gonna become a superstar without question. the breaking point was mostly when he almost came his pants and cried when the lead singer allegedly joined his server, but i came close to breaking when i started casually humming in the group call and hes like 

Hold Up 👁️👄👁️ wait you’re so good... why are you so good? you’re like really good and i mean it!! you’re like, almost as good as me! but you know i have YEARS of practice you know haha but you’re like super good!

and then I decided to humor myself by showing him a cover i recorded and the first thing he said after listening to it halfway was “this scares me”, so that was a pretty big warning sign.

blah blah blah i cried for an hour after that then called him again just to break up with him because of my own mental health and he did handle this very well, not bashing him for that. i basically told him no we aren’t taking a break this shindig will no longer continue, like at all, ever and hes like okay cool yknow it hurts but ill get over it, and i really didnt expect that. because, he basically implied that if i left him he would k*ll himself.

i tried to keep the friendship going because i dont like abandoning people, but he slowly started getting distant from me, and the entire server kind of distanced themselves from me too, but at the time i only noticed music boy getting apprehensive with me. keep in mind (i keep saying that, don’t i?) i thought everybody in the server was cool with me making offensive-ish jokes because they had no problem with it during the time i was “with” music boy. then one day i get called out for talking about - i’m not joking - weed. i started ranting about how weed is my medicine and it was kinda silly to get so pissy over the devil’s lettuce but i dont think i made too big of a deal out of what i could have made.

couple days later im talking in the server again. i’m a very blunt person, my humor is very dry and it can tend to go over some people’s heads if they don’t have enough brain cells. i made a joke that i’d already made in the server before about me being r-word because autism and haha funny joke. 

i get kicked out of the server.

at the time i was confused because i had no idea that i even said anything wrong. i messaged music boy a bit passive-aggressively because despite my confusion i still had a vague idea of what was happening. i said something like "was i too edgy" and like 3 minutes later he responds "you were making a lot of dudes uncomfortable”

mcscuse me bietch?

NOBODYYYYY in the general chat had told me that i was making them feel uncomfy whatsoever, and i dont think anything could have implied that anyone was in any way uncomfortable, and with these social situations i’ve explained to everyone in the after hours chat that sometimes i don’t get social cues. i’m autistic!!! it’s a very rare occurrence when i’m able to ‘read the room’. i thought they knew that but they decided to have a private staff meeting and they all agreed it was best to BAN ME from the server. 

the thing is if i had been messaged, if i was let known that people were bitching about me calling myself r******d then i would have definitely complied. i can understand people feeling a bit weird when i make fun of myself using no-no words, and i’m definitely willing to stop saying a certain thing if it genuinely makes somebody feel uneasy. but nobody said anything about it to me. not a single word.

considering the server has gone to a snowflake kingdom since my exit, i’m not too upset about being kicked out. what i am upset about regards him knowing i wasn’t in a proper state to make any decisions. decisions including NSFW decisions that he hinted at for about 5 minutes before i stopped saying ‘ehhh i don’t know if i’m comfortable with this’ and he didn’t have to beg for coochie anymore. i’m honestly lucky because i can’t remember most of what he coaxed me to do, because if i think about it too much it gets traumatic and i start feeling nauseous.

Christina has been in the server just to tell me what new bullshit has been going on in the rules, and the ever-expanding list of things that you aren’t allowed to talk about in the server, we have a good chuckle at it. i got high again about a week ago, and told my friends the audacity of what music boy actually had done to me and we all agreed to go under a vpn and raid the server, because why not, its funny haha goofy joke. we were having the best time and i was about to piss myself laughing when one of my friends name-drops me and the whoooole gig is over. we get kicked out and Christina pretends to act like she had no clue what was going on, so she could stay in and screenshot this:

she didn’t know how badly that term in itself would send me down a long overdue psychotic episode because about a year or two ago, i was getting concerned that i might have anti-social personality disorder, the ‘proper’ term for a diagnosed psychopath. it ended up nonconclusive, so i don’t necessarily believe i have it, but for some reason him calling me that word really fucked me up. but here’s a pretty funny and cringy sequence of things he typed in to get his cult of teenagers to feel bad for him.

don’t go looking for this person, don’t go looking for the band, i’m just sharing my story because maybe somebody could benefit from my experience being told. i’m trying to jump over this long ass hurdle that’s kept me in one place for wayyy too long, i’m hoping that sharing this endeavor could help my psyche, and perhaps push me forward and lead me towards gathering up the courage i’m missing to finally study for and take the GED test, graduate, and put public school and it’s challenges behind me.

if you read this long and want to talk to me about it, by all means, ask questions, make jokes, ask for more goofy ass screenshots of how i’ve made fun of him, more drama queen music boy tales, because we have a handful, trust me. 

i don’t expect anyone to read this or necessarily care about this, but if you’ve come this far, from the bottom of my heart, do not date a musician. and, of course, thank you for reading. but still, don’t date a musician. especially if it’s a man. mega especially x2 if you’ve only known them for less than a week.

add me on roblox i’m user xulue i’m a funny gal and im a pro gamer

stay safe out there, be kind, and for the love of God don’t bring your guitar to the voice channel <3

#xulue #tw: manipulation #tw: self harm #tw: drugs #tw: slurs #narcissist #npd #mental manipulation #mine #taken advantage of #autism #impaired judgement #my ex #discord #discord server #personal

[the-lady-bryan]

Heroes AU idea I had

So i had this really rad Petlar Heroes AU idea inspired partly by a book called The Starlite Crystal by Christopher Pike (it’s a great YA sci-fi read). Mostly in that the universe repeats itself identical to the time before. Exactly. Every little detail. Forever. Unending.

In my files it’s just titled “stardust”, but basically it plays on the idea that Claire, Sylar, Peter, and even others with immortality from other alien species, have lived for billions of years and now it’s the absolute end of the universe. Because Sylar’s the only one with an ability that allows him to understand any complex system with little to no training he’s elected to be the one who is periodically woken up from cryo-sleep for a few thousand years at a time to make sure the last spaceship that has all these immortals on it is still running properly. The goal is to ride out eternity and let themselves be destroyed in whatever ends the universe. In the book mentioned above, the main character watches the end of the universe, then turns her ship back and flies into it, using her speed (which is insanely faster than the speed of light) to ride out the big crunch and the big bang, shooting her into the new universe which she discovers is identical to the one she comes from. only now in her new perspective, SHE is the woman who aproached a younger version of herself two weeks before she left earth, like what happened to herself as a young woman. it’s weird. Anyway, so basically these immortals are meant to receive the True Death (the one where they die for good) when the universe ends. And Sylar is meant to stay awake and make sure the ship and it’s immortal cargo is in fact destroyed. And this has happened through every iteration of the universe. For eternity. It never changes. It always happens this exact way.

And Sylar and all the others never know that this is an endless cycle they are forced to endure.

But this time, this time something went wrong. And Peter’s cryo chamber malfunctioned and he woke up. And this is not supposed to happen. For some reason Peter can use more than one power. Who knows how the fuck that happened. But it’s like, the one thing that caused the difference between this cycle and the previous cycles. Anyway, Peter ends up on an observation deck to watch the end of the universe and Sylar joins him. And the universe ends after they briefly talk about if there’s an afterlife and what myths might have been true. and Peter’s like “promise me. if there’s something after this, we’ll find each other.” and Sylar’s like “okay. i will.” and then the universe ends and everything that’s left is sucked into this massive universe eating black hole, similar to the book named above.

And then a big bang happens.

And the universe is NEARLY identical this time. Because only Sylar was supposed to be awake at the time but THIS time Sylar AND Peter were awake and their mollecules and shit got all mixed up.

So in this new universe, with only minor differences that no one would normally know about Peter dropped out of law school after a big fight with his dad and changes his name to his mother’s maiden name, going from Peter Petrelli to Peter Shaw. He goes to nursing school, but doesn’t become a hospice nurse. He instead ends up working at a care home for the disabled.

Personality wise Peter’s still stubborn as fuck, but he’s more outspoken and less of a doormat for his family. He’s a bit socially awkward though, more than he was before. He’s so punctual people can set clocks by him and he’s excruciatingly precise in everything he does. He’s an utter perfectonist. His relationship with Nathan is healthier than on the show.

Gabriel Gray’s mother dies in childbirth and her husband Samson was in prison at the time so his brother Martin and his wife Virginia took him in as a baby. Because of this change, Virginia got mental help and became a good wife and mother and Martin never abandoned her and Gabriel - so Gabriel didn’t grow up with an overbearing mother and absentee father. And he was told he was adopted and why early on, but he still calls them his parents and not aunt and uncle. He also can’t stand analog clocks. But thats mostly because he was raised by a watchmaker and doesn’t want to be one himself, so he becomes a librarian. He likes the solitude and all the books.

Personality wise he’s a bit of a people pleaser and generally likes to help people when he can. He has a good relationship with his parents, is very knowledeable about a wide range of subjects, and is a little sloppy at times. He’s habitually late for everything, right down to the running family joke that he was late for his own birth (having been born the day after his actual due date), but he’s a hard worker and damn good at his job.

As a result of these seemingly minor changes in the universe, even Claire’s life is different. She wasn’t taken in by Noah Bennet, but instead Nathan was made aware of her existence. She was fostered by the Deveaux family and named “Grace” where she was raised as Simone’s younger adopted sister. She knows who her real father is and has a sort-of relationship with him but it’s awkward because of Heidi and her half-brothers.

Peter and Gabriel end up meeting after Martin and Virginia are attacked when a killer was really looking for Gabriel. Virginia is left with permanent injuries and has to be put into a care home because Gabriel simply can’t take care of her himself. And it happens to be the one where Peter works.

There’s other stuff, too, that’s callbacks to canon, like Chandra showing up at the library where Gabriel works to talk to him about abilities and stuff, but with everything going on in his personal life he doesn’t have a chance to read the book until after Chandra’s murder, so when he calls and leaves a message it’s Mohinder that gets in touch with him. And Future Hiro still pops up on the subway but instead of it being Peter and Mohinder going somewhere, it’s Gabriel and Mohinder on their way to Gabriel’s apartment because Peter’s there and has recently had the “holy shit i can fly” experience. And instead of a cheerleader, they have to save “the princess” and the Princess is of course, Claire, because she gets crowned Princess at the Winterfest Dance at her school.

Anyway, that’s as far as I got and it’s not even a WIP at this point it’s just a loose collection of notes and barely enough to call drabbles.

Also, the killer is called “The Hunter” and it’s Samson Gray, fresh out of prison and hunting down specials for more abilities - especially since he’s learned he has cancer and is gonna die.

#heroes nbc #petlar #heroes au #scifi au

[starcrossedloversstorytime]

Meeting the parents (Scorpio)

Another request Scorpio from Star Crossed Myth,

I have to be honest these aren’t particularly easy to write for, I’m going off Wikipedia.

Already Done:  Huedhaut - Zyglavis

I couldn’t find the details of the main character, so I made it up for the most part.

The weekend had come around faster than you had expected.  You had booked it off with the plan of staying with your parents, for a visit, it wasn’t that they lived far, but it was nice to just stay with them once in a while.  Some reason this visit brought some anxiety, they would no doubt ask about your relationships status.  You were a little nervous about telling them about Scorpio, not that you were ashamed of him, not in the least, but how were you supposed to explain to them that he was a God? Then they would want to meet him, and Scorpio was still getting used to being around humans.  

No matter, you would have to think about later, you were going to miss the train.  Thinking about Scorpio only made you miss him, even though you only saw him a couple of days ago.  

Sure enough, you had barely sat down for tea before your mum bombarded you with questions.  You had thought about what you were going to say on the train ride.

“Well, actually I have met this guy” you smiled, you weren’t going to tell them that you had been seeing him for nearly a year at this point.

“Oh, what’s his name?” your mum asked in return.

“Scorpio”

The rest of the day was pretty much you being bombarded with questions about Scorpio, you struggled to answer some of them.  The next day was both your parents hoping to meet him next weekend, you let slip you were off again. So they insisted on having dinner together.  By the time you had left, you were thinking it might be a good idea, after all, you were going to spend the rest of your life with the god, why shouldn’t he meet your family?,  of course, you never committed, you wanted to ask Scorpio first.  

Tuesday came, you had just finished clearing up with Hiyori and were heading out into the chilly air, only to be met with Scorpio in his ‘normal’ attire, he was looking particularly handsome under the stars tonight, or maybe you just missed him.  He held out his arm for you to take, with a blush on his cheeks.  You had planned on asking him about dinner with your parents tonight, but you couldn’t seem to build up the courage to ask, you didn’t want to put him on the spot, but Scorpio knew something was wrong.

“What is it woman?” he asked.  There was a moment in time when that sentence would come out harsh, mean, defensive even but now he would say it in jest.  Keeping his tone light and rather cheerful, well as cheerful as Scorpio could get.  

“Well” you started, why were you so nervous?.

“Well?” Scorpio asked when you didn’t continue.

“Oh well, my parents have invited you to dinner next weekend, of course, if you’re busy then i’ll tell them, or if you don’t want to go then thats fine too,” you said quickly.

Scorpio looked at you for a moment, stopping in his tracks.  He knew this was a human custom but it still came as a bit of a shock.  He regained himself and started walking again.  

“Fine” Scorpio didn’t sound too happy about it, so you questioned him.

“Are you sure, you don’t have to if you don’t want to” you expressed.

“I said it’s fine” he continued.  He wasn’t that keen on it, but he wanted to make a good impression with them.  

The rest of the evening Scorpio was a little short tempered and on edge, but you knew it was because he was nervous.l  in ana ttempt to make him feel a bit more comfortable you decided to cut up some apples for him.  You snuggled up to him, feeling him relax a bit beside you as he ate the apples.  After a while, Scorpio spoke up, asking about the dinner with your parents, from the basic questions like times to what your parents were like.  You answered everything to the best of your abilities.

The week seemed to fly in and before you knew it, it was Friday night.  Scorpio had planned on staying that night to spend some time with you first, which you were naturally excited about.  The truth is Scorpio wanted to come early because you could always calm his nervous.  He always felt relaxed with you, and for some reason, this dinner was causing him to be particularly stressed, so much so, the others in his department knew something was up after he would snap at them more often.   He wanted to make a good impression, he was worried that if they didn’t approve then you would take their side, not that he doubted your love for him.  It wasn’t like him to worry about the opinions of humans, well, except you.  Your opinion was all that ever mattered to him.  You spent the night reassuring him that they were going to love him, but it didn’t seem to help.

When it was finally time to head off, you had thought Scorpio was going to change his mind.  Right up to the door of your Parents home, he didn’t relax at all.  You grabbed hold of his hand, squeezing reassuringly, to which he returned.  You didn’t even have time to knock before the door flung open with your mother standing there with a large grin on her face.  When her eyes fell of Scorpio a blush formed on her cheeks.  

“Oh, come in, come in” she chirped moving out the way.  “Your fathers just run next door to help the neighbour move something, he’ll be right back” she explained.

After your mother closed the door, she turned to you, pulling you into a hug, then she moved on to Scorpio, pulling him into a much more awkward hug, you could see how stiff he was, and you were certain he would want to shower or something afterwards, that was usually how he felt after physical contact with humans, but he didn’t see disgusted at all, in fact, he was smiling quite pleasantly.  When your mother pulled away she straightened Scorpios jacket were she had wrinkled it a bit, before inviting him into the kitchen.  You hadn’t noticed yet, the house smells of your mothers cooking, it was lovely, making you so much more hungry.  You weren’t sure how Scorpio was going to deal with the food, would he like it? it would be weird for him to not eat anything.  

You followed your mother and Scorpio into the kitchen, where she had him sit down at the counter, then returned to her cooking.

“Would you like a hand?” you offered.  Just then your father walked in.  you greeted him with a hug, then turned to introduce him to Scorpio. The two men shook hands, smiling at each other.  So far so good, you thought.  

“Y/N could you please set the table,” your mother asked.  You were hoping to not leave Scorpio’s side, in case one of your parents asked him something he couldn’t answer, the two of you had talked a bit about it beforehand coming up with a scenario that would suit without blatantly lying, but you couldn’t make it obvious either.  You took care of it as quickly as you could return to the kitchen.  Scorpio and your dad seemed to be in a deep conversation, you weren’t really sure what they were talking about but Scorpio didn’t seem to be too uncomfortable.  You continued helping your mum with dinner, and when it was ready to be served you helped carry it in.  the boys were already seated at the table, still continuing with the conversation.  

You took your seat beside Scorpio, his expression was happy, but his hands resting on his knees were tense, was he worried about the food?, or the conversation that you knew he didn’t fully understand.  You reached over to him, under the table, giving them a squeeze.  After that, his hands loosened up.  

Everyone tucked into the dinner and as always it was lovely, you really really enjoyed every bite, you always did.  Scorpio seemed happy enough eating it too.  

“So, Scorpio that’s such an unusual name, I’m guessing it is foreign,” your mother asked

“Yes, he’s from overseas originally” you answered on his behalf.

“And how did you two meet?” your mother continued, you had already filled her in last time you visited but she wanted to hear it from Scorpio, to hear his side of the story.

You looked over to Scorpio, who looked a little unsure.

“We meet at the planetarium, during a night showing”  Scorpio replied, it wasn’t that far of the truth after all.  

“Don’t tell me, it was love at first sight?” You mother continued sounding a bit giddy now.  Both you and Scorpio began to blush.

“Yes, I couldn’t seem to shaker her” Scorpio said it so romantically that your mother swooned a bit, you knew he was being sarcastic, making a dig at the fact you had chosen him in the first place, but it was all in jest.  

“I can really see how much you two love it each other” your mother said happily.

“What about marriage?” your father suddenly asked.  Thank goodness you weren’t eating or you probably would have choked.  Scorpio’s face lost all its colour,

“Well, it’s still early days dad” you replied, once you had regained yourself.  

“Of course, of course”  

You quickly changed the subject.  The rest of the night went surprisingly well, Scorpio and your parents got along really well, your parents loved him, never as much as you loved him od course.  But the question your father had asked about marriage repeated in your head the rest of the night.  Getting married to Scorpio didn’t sound like a bad idea, on the contrary, you really liked the idea, but would it even be allowed? the King had already blessed your relationship, what would happen when it came to marriage? would it be accepted? this led you to think about children, did you want them?, did he want them? Would that be allowed?.  

You were thinking about it for most of the journey home having decided to walk for a bit.  That was until Scorpio grabbed hold of your hand, with a hint of a blush on his cheeks. You snapped out of it, turning to him a with a smile.  Marriage and children can come later, for now, you only needed to focus on the ‘now’

“My parents really liked you” you noted,

“They were, alright for humans” Scorpio replied,  you chuckled a little, that was probably the best compliment he could ever give.

“Why are you smiling like that?” Scorpio suddenly asked in his usual tone.  

“Well, the God I love and my parents just got along, I couldn’t be happier” you replied honestly.  Scorpio blushed, but he was smirking at the same time.  He then stopped, turned you around so you were facing him, just so he could give you a very deep passionate kiss.  

All those worries on both sides were for nothing, the evening went really well.  You couldn’t be happier right now.  

#star crossed myth #scm #scorpio #scorpio scm #voltage otome #voltage games #voltage inc #otome game #otome #english otome #otome cgs #scorpio x #scorpio x you #scorpio x reader #scorpio x mc #x you #x reader #scorpio x oc #scorpio romance

[chaotickidcat]

true...but what if your such white fucking trash garbage and do not deserve her? And that you know that your such a piece of shit and no one deserves you or the BS. So how can somebody love a piece of shit not worth anything but shit 24/7. Would love to change and that for a while now. I stopped coke and porn and would love to fully stop drinking and smoking but I simply can't I need help and willing to accept help since i really would love to change and make her happy she deserves to be happy every minute of the day. And even if the whole fucking Internet hates me I acctually do not give a shit about your diss Orgy here. I Love her...and I really do ! Ok true Boobs are negotiable and if you realy love your wife you woulden't want her to run around with 2160cc.. but I admid I love big tits the bigger the better. I do not understand the problem here and that the WWW is trying to make me feel guilty. I see it this way I respect everybody's sexual Orientation if Gay Trans what so ever! You can have your little 19 years old boyfirend with 65 who cares...! (not ok with pedos though) you can have objectophilia and love the Busstation or your favorite tree or your VIBE. I think if I can bring up the respect and the tolerance so can you and I do not think it's asked to much if you expect something from me to at least give the same in return. I admid I love her breast... there are countless Men out there who dream of having such a wife. I NEVER FORCED her to do this NEVER ! I said I cold live with it and also without since we got a TON of PORNStars out there in the WEB. No my wife said she is not happy that I watch porn sometimes and I admid the truth the whole coke was messing this up big time aswell..true. I asked her since several weeks if she really wants to spend that cash on the tits. I said lets do your USA trip instead and if you feel like doing your boobs we can see Dr Revis and than still have more than 1/2 of the cash we spend on Dr Plovier. My wife was telling me she had pain in hr right breast so an OP was acctually inevitable. I asked her if she would like to reduce her breast instead..she said no. She even insisted and said I love em and I am used to them it would feel like she would miss something. So we decided together so see Dr Plovier since he is europes leading expert in this field of expertise. She decided to go and even came up with nearly 18.000 euros we spend on that trip and I have my doubts where the money came from. Now I acctually even refused going and said we should not do that its too much money. I love you with or with out tits and I really do. Some dreams shoud simply stay dreams. I even refused to go with her to Belgium and said let's not do it and if you still want to go on your own than take your friend mdm Garcia with you fo rtranslating. I even offerd her to take care of all her expenses if she would go. This totally broke out into a serious discussion. I said I prefer you to stay the way you are now than having all the men in this World trying to take you from me. I do not wanted to loose her. Though I admid I said... since your always complaining about housework and me gaming she would have the perfect Arguments do anything she asked me for and I mean who the fuck would want to play  Sony Playstation or WOW if she says .. hunney please could you ..Hell I would and I would run. Yes. So now after the Surgery. I asked her everyday like at least several hundred times if she is ok if she can handle it because if not we are still in Belgium and he can do them smaller. I seriously did evryday. I said we can call the Surgens office and simply decrese the volume since that is perfectly do able with expanders thats what they are made for. If too big you can simply decrese volume within in minutes with no further surgery. She denied the whole week. and she really did not want to. I admid I feelt a bit guilty but I was also totally hyped by her breasts and let my self a bit go on Twitter but I asked her if she is ok with it she said yes. And well She got me there with you guys for the 1k likes eventhough that no number compared to pine subs and Likes and views. I married her at the time in a real bad situation it was raining ... really pooring shit down on us from her ex for nearly 6 years. The Kids have been traumatised and that far far more that what ever you guy's say I did. I mean there father pushed it so far that they had to go into Childcustody and that was not because of me! I was not parrent yet ... I was simply ..voila... there you go now handle it! I had no fucking clue about parenting at the time and tryed to help and that made things even worse. But when ever I had to take the fall for her due to her Ex italien boyfriend (and boy! they can be far more exhausting than any White trash Daddy on this planet AMEN.) The Kids are not easy aswell and every week for over years.. seriously years I had to start over bulding up the relationship to them. Again and again and again...rinse and repeat and I did. Usually you grow into parenting and you're usually not just getting haveing 4 Kids and everything instantly but I love her and said I do my best and try hard. That's all I was able to do . I really meant it in a good way and wanted to help her since 4 Kids for singel mother is very though to handle.     Now my wife wished for Persephone another child it was the deepest wish from her heart...so I gave in to do the artificial fertilization procedure several times aswell. No husband who loves his wife woud say no to her biggest wish from her heart. Right?! So now I was really excited and also shit scared and paniced a couple of times..true. But I was at one point not able to cope with the whole situation anymore. Now... when I moved in with her I stopped coke at the time coz of her kids..thats true..but it's stilla major brainfuck sometimes if this little voice inside of you talks to you. So I did not even know anybody to get it from in the new town  I moved in with her . I swear its the truth since I really wanted to help her and really loved her and if I have to climb down the biggest Swiss Mountain in Town for her.. I would do it and litterally did it... and I would do it again. Anytime. So now the Mountain I am facing at the moment is bigger than anything else I had to handle before and I will take time... I am incapeable to change over night eventhough I wished I could. My depressions and my my constant fear to loose her just is totally messed up and emotionally its a hard fight with myself. Love is worse than drugs sometimes I makes you do things you probably would never do otherwise. And due to my emotional disorder (hey everbody got his handycap at one point so dont give me shit for that please. I was born with this disorder I did not choose to have it. Now I am not really sure if I should thank the Internet for this wake up call or give in into my depressions again. I am not sure yet I will have to sleep over it. So now since she removed the Implants and you have Posted the Photos... Now I would like to know one last thing?! If she already had a new Boyfriend and he moved in with her since a couple of month and lives with her.. than why the hell did she do the augmentation and She new exactly what she was doing. She could have said no. She could have at any given time tell the nurses or Dr Plovier that she would only like to minimal increase of even dercease since she was complaining about pain in her chest. Now the pain in her chest did not come from the implants themselfs... DR Plovier told me we where lucky to come and see him since if it would have gotten worse she would have lost her breast and this is due to cheap surgery done in Serbia. And hell believe me ... I was totally not ok with serbia since she wanted to do the T cut and that would def. made her unhappy in long term: I mean its about beeing well and feeling better and butcher her Breast in a Warzone Sugery room form the beginning 80's. SHe wanted and insisted to do it since it was affordable and her friend Dijana was with that surgeon aswell. She really insited to do it with me or without me. That's the response I got from her at the time. I really want to set things straight here .. I have never forced anything... it was her desicion and she wanted to do it and even got this hughe amount of money for it. Me and my hardcore Alcoholic Prof. friend both told her... to do the USA trip instead she always wished for and we take the kids along and stay a couple of weeks. It would fullfill her 2nd biggest dream after Persephone. So as I mentioned before... i would never say no to her dreams and always support them. Since you shoud live your dreams right?! Both the Prof and her argued that ist not possible with covid to travel through the US and my wife wanted to go to Belgium. I repeat never ever forced anything or her to do anything she is not ok with. I am a piece of shit yes and do not deserve her yes but eventhough I got Limits. Very hard for you guys to undderstand that now and to believe but it's the truth. So now... since the Situation is clear and she already lives with her new boyfriend since month and left me piece of scumbag Whitetrash and with your Super Internet pintree fiasco Shitstorm or let's call it Whitetrashstorm and..though yes I appreciate your help and the fucking wake up call bell you guys just simply smashed down on my head.. which I agree I totally deserve... But since this country is smaller than and has less Citizens than ANY of your Pinetree accounts you so surepass the 8million views and I am Nationwide Nr 2 BIGGEST LOOSER WHITETRASH Example exisiting now besides the Ideot who did the Swiss Porn Snychornisation... I will not find a Job that easy anymore. So since chris clun did brillant work... a bit exagurated at times but it's still funny and yes ..I really translated all the 1600 videos.. I really did. So now the whole World tells me to move my ass..I can not afford going back to IT school eventhough I would really want to graduate and I know that I am capable to do it .. I came untill the Finalexam but did not have the required apprenticeship in an IT comapany and therefore got got accepted with turned out me bing drunk and fucking shit up even worse  and even if my Mother said I have Math problems ..(which I acctually do not but simply didn't give a shit in Highschool about Calculus Class) am missing the cash and I will not be able to get a Job in that field that easyl but I will take my chances and try best since I have to come up with child support now and will face a Divorce... So now hear me cry... LOUD! I lost my CHILD (this hurts me very badly and giving birth to a 5 child to grow up with out Father was my greates fear ..Since I really did not have an trational Dad aswell..teaching you how to drill or see you play at a golf tournament. Or give me the needed drill..and holy shit yes.. he maybe should have kicked my lazzy ass HARDER !!! But unfortuneatly I had no opputunity and not the Luck and yes fucked up childhood. My father was working to provide my Mother the most Luxury lifestyle ever ! My Mother lived a Life back in the day shoud would have been most famous Instagram HIgh socity lady exisiting and it was easyier so send me to bording school with emotinal disorder in an Bording School and the only currency  in that Private School at that time was cocain and bitches.(Danke Ari das Du mich mit diesem scheiss Zeug angesteckt hast) The ritch Russian guy's where the only Opportunity to tripple my pocket money at the time wich was moderate but not exaggurated. I mean 100 bucks Week in Switzerland is like nothing. I could barely pay my Cigarrets with this money but no chance for out of plan Socialactivity like spending time with School friends in a Pub if I could not afford my Pepsi. Furhtermoe I would like to mention that I never drunk Alcohol not even wine or beer or whats so ever untill my 30th Brithday. My parents know that ! It all started with my Prof totally loosing it with his wife at the time and bascially lived with me for nearly 1 year, he simplay always was around. And he startet to drink exessively and since I concidered him my best friend at the time.. I played along to not let my only bro down. So now this drinking smoking and coking up to help him since he was a total wrack at the time.. useless unable to work things even got worse not able sitt straigh beeing so brainfucked by his Wife.. it was simply overkill for him. Now the drinking becaume somehow slightly and unknowingly a habit..it kind of sneaked in our lives without us even really realising and that's really bad because its not easy to to quit an habit once it's becamme a comman standard. I alwys feelt guilty for him to be honest and last Week when he came over for a visit he was drunk with in 15min I mean totally not even able to hold an conversation and man ..thats so sad. You did not see your friend for a while and are not able to talk with him its like instant drunk and usually he hurst himself in that state or passed out in the wild some where and that hurts me. Really it does. I seriously do not drink if he comes for a visit to be prepaired for the wort csae scenario. My Wife knows that.   I lost my family !!! I lost the Love of my Life !!! and I Lost my dignety and my life in Switzerland. I lost all my friends!!! I am Isolated due to beeing a piece of shit !!! Eventhough... I still resisted to take any drugs today since I kinda feelt shit is coming GREAT AGAIN. And my Fear of loosing her and my familiy made me really jealouse and jealousy... drives me sheer mad...insane. It's the most difficult Emotion for me to handle and the more I tried so set things in the right way again and fought for her Love the more it seperated us. And I am not able to handle this like apperently the wohle fucking World can and is soo easy .. but for me ..it is not. It's the hardest thing ever since that's what triggers my Voice telling me do return to old bad habits. It is a vicious cicle and is the most powerfull Deamon inside of me to fight with. NOW .. THE WHOLE FUCKING WEB tells me to move my bloody whitetrash ass and...just do it... But with the Divorce and the emotional stress coming with it.. again is the perfect condition again to drop back into old habits. It's very hard to break this Cicle and will be extremly challenging and will have serious side effects but who cares I am totally fucked up a bit more or less will not matter in my condition at the moment...right?! Emotionally I seriously doubt that I can change over or the next couple of weeks. I will though offically promise to do my best and try as hard as I can to work on me and my whitetrashflixmyvista little white Kartoffel boy ass and already made a little progress it's not much but hey..you got to take the first Step and everything starts with the first Step. Now please ...tell me why did my wife do the Surgery if she did not wanted to do it and already lives with a new Boyfriend together since month wihtou me knowing, We could have spared us the money and all the emotinal bullshit and this Shitstorm. all the lies and all furious outbreaks beeing scared to loose her... since hope dies last right? Maybe the situation would not be that fucked up as it is now. And my child growing up with a different dad.. I wish her and my child and her familie all the best and really hope that she finally get a good man who is capable of what i am sheer uncapable. My Exwife deserves it. The only thing I ASK TO YOU ALL... are 2 things... 1) Please tell my daughter that her Father really loves her and it's not her fault. And that I am very very sorry form the deepest bottom of my heart. I will never be able to make this up to her so please give my wife an helping hand and my Child. and 2) Guy's  I know I have to change myself and work hard on me and I know nobody can do this for me...but eventhough the WHOLE WEB hates me knwo and I am branded as Whitetrashdaddy world wide NR 1 (which is accutally quite a title compared to couple of rednecks and Hillbillys out there) I would appreciate a little help here. Yes flame me destroy my Life even more than I did untill now... But I really want to change but I could use a helping hand here...and hey no matter my mistaked and how hard they are... even me the biggest European Whitetrash Kartoffel piece of shit dirtbag...deserves a 2nd chance to set things straight and to be able to pay my child support. She at least ... deserves it. Now I am very sorry and I am very touched and hey thank you for the wakeup call..extrem people need extrem measures right. I hope that at least partially all of you in the WEB and my Exwife can forgive me.. I never had bad intensions towards her or any of you. For those you can not forgive me...fuck you !!! 2160xtimes !!! Do your meams... and do what you got to do and flood the net with my pathetic letter here. Do what you got to do...I deserve it and will take it like a man. But please be moderate and keep my disorder in your thoughts...please do not push it that far that I will do something incredible stupid. My child deserves a Father eventhough if I am shit and incapeble at the moment. I keep faith in that one day I will be able to be a good Father for her. Now thank you all for your time reading this. And hey I've ever somebody is willing to writ a book about how Hardcore Swiss Pirvate Bording Schools have been thoughtout the 90's..let me know I got stroy's to tell better than any Hollywood movie. The crazziest shit always happens in real life any maybe it's good warning for Parents to rethink and not do the same mistakes my Parents did. Thank you.

[chrobinrickhen]

shit that happened

tw for child abuse, beating, physical assault, minor transphobia etc ///

my parents have been abusive to me my whole life. from things starting small with my mom treating me as her spouse and talking to be about things a parent shouldnt talk about with their as young as 3 year old child during times she was in fights with my dad, to while i was younger primarily beating me for simply crying at things (mainly in public places), the total and complete gaslighting of my abusive 5th grade teacher (which was somehow far worse than them lol) etc. however, they never seriously beat me before, as in, all out beating me up with continuous punches kicks and thrashing.

my mom would frequently slap me in the face or punch me once in the back at times as of recent during my years in high school where i struggled to my near (literal) hospitalization and death from mere over exhaustion and stress (i averaged less than 4-5 hours of sleep for all 4 years and my senior year i nearly didnt sleep At All) during my senior year my dad even threatened to kill me during one of my parents outbursts against me simply trying to reason (more like beg! lol!) for them to help me drop out of school because it was destroying me and was more and more traumatizing literally every day and they thought they were justified because “i was so close!” “youve already suffered for so long may as well stick it through!” despite my therapist and psychologist doing the best they can to tyr and get me out. my parents have punched a whole in the wall, thrown and broke things, (thankfully not at me) and simply just been physically threatening with destroying things important to me and my belongings.

however, after i graduated. and after i was diagnosed with ptsd. and after they seemed to become more understanding and learning from their mistakes i thought they were genuinely open to becoming better people and challenging themselves to listen to me and others.

this incidence proved that wrong.

itd been 2 years give or take i genuinely dont even remember what year i graduated lol since he threatened to kill me. i thought they changed and genuinely had formed trust with them that was slowly growing. and then somehow or another the topic of asylum seekers, ice, and the current concentration camps came up, to which my parents responded with some of the genuinely most vile words ive ever heard people say to my face.  i dont even want to try and repeat it here bc im pretty sure you can get the idea. i calmly tried to talk to them, they started to scream, i went up stairs. they continued to shout horrible things to me, that again, im skipping over for my own wellbeing bc it isnt exactly fun to recount. something something “you havent sufferred through shit” she said to me at one point. yes, your child who has been diagnosed with social anxiety disorder, general anxiety disorder, depression, panic disorder, ptsd, ocd, eating disorder general symptoms, a survivor of school abuse spanning my whole life for not being neurotypical and cishet, and a pending diagnosis for adhd, TOTALLY has not suffered.

anyway, i wanted to die. what they said to me, was so horrific i really just, wanted to die, i kind of lied about it on twitter saying im not actually suicidal dont worry but i highkey was and i dont wanna try and cover that up again. i just didnt want anyone to worry (IM OKAY NOW AND NOT SUICIDAL DONT WORRY this if anything was a good lesson for me to learn) anyway, i told them this. i knew it was kind of shitty and guilty but all i asked of them. is that even if they cannot agree with me, if they would at least care to listen to why this is wrong and accept that they dont know everything like they are convinced they do and yet accuse me of claiming i myself am.

i texted them, that long thing, telling them how i would stay in bed and not eat or drink (for context my sleep schedule was fucked the two days prior and i barely had eaten or drinken) my memory is fucked and i would have to check with my therapist if im confusing this with another instance bc im pretty sure the beating happened the day the argument did but i also remember staying in bed for mulitple days? but anyway thats not important fhdiujng so. they came to me and started screaming shit at me. again. horrible shit. their response to their child saying “im suicidal and would rather die than you be my parents any longer if you refuse to listen to why these people deserve to not be put in cages and die” and their reaction was not concern but screaming, insults, calling me a monster, a puppetmaster (the irony) and I DID NOT. SAY. A WORD. TO THEM. I DID NOT MOVE> i was. completely. still. the entire time. i was weak. i was sick. Literally from dehydration and starvation. and because i did not answer them back they jumped ontop of me and my mom beat the shit out of me and chokeheld me, my dad then also did the same even though he did not hit me, he came close to strangling me before leaving the room. i was swollen and bruised all over including my face it was super visible for whatever reason but my body hurt like a motherfucker for over a week since that happened. i just cried when they left

then an hour later after htey beat me they came up and starting their baby uwu act of “i dont want to fight just go shower and come down and eat your dinner blablabla you know we love you rihgt?” and forcing me to apologize to them whenmy mom literally beat me, my dad screamed in my face with his nose to mine to and they helf my neck in their hands with the intent to cause physical harm to me.

proceeding this the aftershock of trying to process what hat happened was just. a lot as you can imagine. i was so paranoid and uncomfortable the week preceeding this just being aorund them hearing their voices literally everything about my house and them living in it was horrifying to me. my therapist helped me a lot and im ok now but like. they proved to me that they really just cannot be helped. theyre a lost cause. at this point to me, the only thing they are are a financial source to cover my transition and im left with no choice but to force myself to play the puppet. i tried to do a mix of both working with and against them before and it blew up in my face. it sucks but thats what it is and as long as obey their shitty asses ill be fine. i dont know where my future will go but i know and pray that it cannot and will not be with them. the moment i am away from them and my belongings are not in their possession they no longer exist to me unless they genuinely will accept the fact theyre the 2nd reason my ptsd exists.

tl;dr my parents suck and im forced to play their child puppet in order to literally survive their love of me is toxic and based on a false perception of what a child is supposed to be and i regret not calling child protective services on them whe n i had the chance

#child abuse #abuse #tw child abuse #tw abuse #tw violence