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ghostwithmostbabe · 7 months

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Why I am a Loser

I feel like a HUGE loser. But I always have felt this way. Sometimes there are moments where its not as severe of a feeling but normally it tends to always loom over me.

I am a cancer and I feel like that has a lot to do with it. So in some way I guess thats where that feeling started, at birth. I was a very shy and quiet kid and by the time I started middle school I already established myself in that unpopular role in my mind. For a few brief moments in middle school I was confident and outgoing. No one really was a fan of that and it wasnt me anyway. The popular girls talked down to me with a certain pity, the boys didnt talk to me at all if they could avoid it and the few friends I did have were just as much losers as I was. During that time a girl named Emily tried to throw me in trash can because she thought it was funny, I did not think so. In my early middle school years I had a best friend called Maja. Weve grown so far apart over the years but she remains one of my biggest comforts. She was as much my only friend as I was hers in those years, I guess that remains important. We got made fun of for basically anything countless times, sometimes deserved to be honest. We are guilty of some pretty cringey stuff. I loved Maja. But this is not about how I am a mistreated outcast, this is how I am a LOSER, so it happened what eventually had to happen and I abandoned Maja at the first chance of becoming friends with the most popular girls in my grade. Two girls, Emily and Eleni. One, Eleni, was popular for her looks (an 8th graders body should not look like this) and the other, Emily, for her outstanding humor and personality. The huge problem about this unlucky trio was that Emily and Eleni were inseparable best friends. Summarized, I had a pretty shitty time. Started wearing makeup for the first time and even bought a leggings. The only reaction this piece of clothing ever elicited from a boy was on a week long class trip, where I entered a room in those very leggings and Daniel said "ew", followed by "why does nothing ever look good on you, Josie?". Got to be honest, that one was a pretty hard blow. Apparently, because here I am writing about it 6 years later. Whenever I would show up anywhere with my two new bestfriends, thered be humored faces and at least one snide comment about how weird I am. No one understood why Emily and Eleni where dragging me around. I wasnt as funny as Emily and I sure as hell wasnt as pretty as Eleni. I started to ask myself that same question when Emily and Eleni started treating me with as much disregard as the others did. Emily started to make me look bad and compare herself to me vocally in front of boys and cooler people. She would point out my flaws and everything weird about me and laugh about them with others in front of me. Once I caught both Emily and Eleni whispering and when I asked them what they were talking about they said they were just wondering how someone like me has a boyfriend and they dont. Shucks. I decided to leave this trio when I was about 15. Right around the time my boyfriend broke up with me.

My boyfriend at the time had this group of friends who I somewhat befriended during our 4 week relationship. After I dismissed myself from that hellish trio my closest friendships were to those random boys who I only knew in passing. So I sat with them during lunch until I actually befriended them and what do you know we were the greatest of friends. I was the happiest Id been since elementary school or something. One of them even became my very best friend. I finally had real friends that I really liked and who didnt treat me like shit. The only problems was, they were boys and I was not and they made that part very hard to miss. I started to get left out a little. Only a little. Sometimes they just wanted "to be with the boys today". I cried a lot about not being born a boy during that time in my life. But I was also 15 and you cry about everything when youre 15. Well one fateful day during lunch, a now teenaged Emily sits herself down at our table. I, who had up until that point developed a strong hatred against her, was furious. But the boys loved her. Except for my best friend. She was loud and outgoing and would talk a lot about sex. It was very irritating to me. She was the type of person to state her opinion and expect everyone to take it as fact. She started attending our regular hangouts and I was over it. Until she randomly decided to take a trip to Amsterdam. When she came back she was different. I saw her the day she returned and that was the day I knew I was in fact not over it.

We were sixteen and I just got together with my second boyfriend, Fritz. Popular and strikingly good looking (Emily would disagree), Fritz was a real catch and my social status flipped upside down when I entered this relationship. Up until this point Emily and I had carefully and slowly build up a friendship. She wasnt the loud and obnoxious social light I knew anymore, she was quiet, understanding and constantly in a state of anxiety. We understood each other. We courted each other. It was something so very soft and gentle. Like a morning sun quietly rising. I loved her. I loved her more than I could have ever loved Fritz. Until this day I have not felt love akin to what I felt towards Emily In those years. My letters where made to bring her to tears, everything I said made to make her smile. She was the most important thing. We hugged, I cut her hair, we kissed. I wouldve taken out an army for her but I was too scared to think about this being more than a friendship.

Then she got a boyfriend, John, who she loved dearly. Her love for me became less and less while my love for her turned into obsession. I would act on her whim and cry myself to sleep. I fantasized about murdering her for a time. It was the only thing on my mind. Not out of anger but out of true love. Time did its thing and me and my Fritz broke up. I was alone for a short while before Emily and John also parted ways. My desperate hope of returning to this state of a rising sun was quickly relinquished when Emily found another boyfriend, Felix. How I hated Felix. Not only did he get the love of my life to softly and tenderly hold in his vile hands but he crushed her the moment he first touched her. His touch. It should have been so kind. But he was a man. And he hurt her. When he came up to me at a party telling me he wants to be friends because we both love Emily I laughed in his face. What a cruel joke. That was the day I decided I wanted him to die. If I happened to not be a Loser I might have actually done it. Emily, the love of my life, crying over a man who would not do anything for her. I started to feel insulted. Here I was giving her everything in my power, showering her with my love and she was dismissing me? Putting Felix above me? How could she be so blind? Felix was the end of us. Our love now far from the morning sun. She was not able to see my love anymore, she had had too much too many times. But I was physically unable to stop. I love her so much. If I restrain myself, she doesnt notice, if I love her harder, she does not notice. I want to slave away for her until eternity, if she would love me back again. Cant she see that I am looking for the slightest bit of appreciation. Im like a dog, crawling, howling, scratching for just a tiniest bit to keep me going. I need her. And I fear if she does not need me back soon I am going to stay like this all my life. This shell. Hollow thing. Just tell me what I have to do Emily, Id do it all for you.

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physicsfox7 · 1 year

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Continuing to use this as a venting blog. Same rules apply: you dont have to feel obligated to interact with me. We've all got our own shit going on.

The truth is, I've never felt like I belonged. Anywhere. And I know there are so many people who feel the same way, I'm not trying to diminish them.

I didnt feel like I belonged to my family. Maybe it was the autism. Id say something, and everyone in the room would look at me weird. I didnt understand limits, and would take jokes too far.

School wasnt any better. The person I considered my best friend didnt even consider me his best friend. I'd walk the hallways and say hi and talk to people, but unless I get daily affirmations, I feel like I'm just annoying everyone around me.

Half the time anymore, I feel like I piss off and annoy my own wife.

My childhood home was torn down a few years ago. I didnt think it bothered me. It was just one more building. It was always too hot in the summer, way too cold in the winter. We had fleas, termites, and huge wolf spiders.

Then I had the bright idea of rebuilding that house in Minecraft. Seems stupid, but once it was done and I could actually walk through the front door into the living room, go into my old bedroom, sneak through the laundry room, it was miserable. I hated that I would never set foot in that house again.

I had an interaction with someone yesterday. Ive always felt very close to her, because we study the same thing. Shes on her way to a PhD and I never even made it out of community college, but it was like finding a candle in the dark: just obe other person I thought I could talk to because we had similar interests. Shes going through a very rough time, and has been for over a year. I said something not particularly helpful, but in an attempt to reach out and let her know someone was paying attention. She told me I didnt need to comment on every thing she says. I was genuinely taken aback. Shes never been particularly warm towards me, and she is going through a lot. But it hurt anyway, because I tend to comment on everyones post.

I cant shut up. I'm so genuinely excited to have people to talk to after almost 10 years with no friends that I make an ass out of myself because I'm just trying to reach out.

She was right, I didnt need to say anything. And I guess I did what i always do: make something small into something much more than it is. I thought I had made a friend, when I damn well knew that wasnt the case.

I have no home to go back to, I never feel secure around my friends. I'm kind of fucking pitiful. And I will always hesitate to reach out to my friends for reassurance or validation. Everyone has their own shit, and its not fair to ask them to take care of me. So I cant even lean on people without feeling like a shitty person.

This may or may not be cathartic. To finally just belt out everything, regardless of what it might look like. I cant do this on Twitter, because then people will want to make a big deal out of it. There are too many people there. Maybe some completely random person, bored out their mind and just doomscrolling will read this. Hello! It brings me some comfort to know that that might happen.

Not a whole hell of a lot does these days, it seems like every time I turn around I'm have an anxiety attack.

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cornflowercanine · 2 years

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i think this year aside from 8eing the year of 8a8ys first medical attention (vaccine!!) and i think this was the year i got into ks8d? and made lots of fun ocs!!, this year has 833n a8out wanting to get 8etter for my friends and realizing my friends love me! put under cut for long and sappy

i've wanted to get 8etter for my friends (mostly for a specific friend 8ut then that 8led into other things) since the start of the year; i dont wanna ask questions where 'no' isnt a via8le/good answer, i dont wanna vent and vent and vent in hopes someone will 8reak down my... Issues and then when someone actually offers help to go 'OH NO NO I SUCK', i wanna say no, i wanna ask instead of just assume, i just!!! i wanna 8e more mature and handle my rel8ionships 8etter!!! i wanna do confront8ion and the social/emotional equivalant of accepting compliments even if it goes against what ive 833n doing for ever it'll make shit so much easier for everyone!!!

8ut something that has started happening without me expecting or even really trying to do it around the end of this year is im starting to f33l loved for the first time! its hard to explain 8ut i was thinking a8t furries who are like.. insecure a8t 8eing furries and are like idkkk 8ut im so Weird what if ppl h8 me cause im not Normal :'(((( and i thought a8t it cause like, 8ro we're here CAUSE you're weird and if you were 'normal' we wouldnt care, even if 8eing ~weird~ isnt a very cele8r8ed tr8 it is NOT a 8ad one 8y default and if you didnt X3 XD o.O a little 8it a8out 8eing a furry and forced all ur interests through a filter of MUST 8E NORMAL AND NOT VISI8LY CARE A8T STUFF id fucking h8 it!!!!!! and then i realized oh shit. IM weird. i love people who are weird in the way that i am weird 8ecause of their weirdness not despite it, its not some shameful guilty thing you 8oth have to ignore to enjoy the """real""" stuff detached from any interests or open displays of care or whatever, so there are pro8a8ly people who love Me 8ecause i'm weird too, 8ecause i've found other people like me and i love THEM so it's not like im some one-of-a-kind freak that no8ody would s33k out and enjoy, it's just this 8ig circle of 8eing weird and loving eachother for it and continuing to 8e weird and cele8r8ing it even if it is just the like, 4 of you!

and then that kept growing without me wanting it to cause i kept noticing proof that ppl loved me! a friend out and a8out s33ing something 8eautiful or funny or just an itty 8itty delightful little thing and their first thought 8eing 'i want my friend to s33 this' made me think fuck does that mean im level in their mind with a very pretty forest or a cute silly little animal and not just some depressive slog they only think a8t to pity? why else would my friends pick up weird words i use or start to talk in the way i talk or repeat smth i say or even say stuff in my silly little quirk if they didnt love me? why else would they ask me a8out stuff i like even if they dont espescially care? why else would they repeat jokes i made, why else would they say things i said months and months ago that they thought was smart, why else would they try something that i mentioned wanting to try, why else would they talk to me for the sake of talking to me when theyre out in pu8lic or have 8etter friends avalia8le atm and clearly have other s33mingly more engaging things they can do, why else would they think a8t me when i'm not there or i'm not 8rought up? when my friends say things sometimes i dont know how to respond at all and i look at the thing they said and go idk what youre talking a8out 8ut i love you and i hope u k33p liking the thing u like!!! in my head and then i look somewhere else, who's to say my friends dont do that to me too? insecurity/8ad self est33m??? will have you think you can love your friends and partner/s and anyone else so fucking much 8ut no matter how alike you are you are an exception and you are an awful thing that is only around others just cause there's nowhere else to go, 8ut that makes me think of that post thats like "can you imagine what real life would 8e like if anxiety was right(???) like you just walk on a train and everyones like OH FUCK THIS GUY IN PARTICULAR GET OFF" like!! youre not just there for the hell of it, people 8ROUGHT you there 8ecause you just existing and 8eing and enjoying things and talking evoke interest and joy and rel8ing and understanding and respect and love to these people, and theyre k33ping you there and talking to you and showing you things they made and asking what you think a8out stuff and 8ouncing your opinions off eachother to develop them more and laughing at your jokes and asking you what your thoughts on fucking Peas are despite how extremely irrelevent that is they Want to know 'hey what does my friend think of this food this is something i want to know a8out them cause i like knowing them and thinking a8out them and integr8ing them into my life more' and may8e even theyll end up thinking a8t u and smiling any time they have peas, you think You going 'oh wow i love cats theyre so cute' makes ppl upset as opposed to your friend going 'oh wow i love cats theyre so cute' cause youre sad sometimes or you think youre ugly or what have you?

and interestingly enough these end up f33ding into eachother- i wanna get 8etter for my friends cause it hurts us 8oth when i do things that hurt me > w8 that means they love me, if they didnt theyd just let me or WANT me to 8e sad and throwing away/around my rel8ionships all the time > i wanna get 8etter for my friends 8ecause they love me and watching someone you love fade and let themselves fade is so fucking heartwrenching, i havent gotten farther than that yet 8ut it k33ps 8uilding upon itself and!!! waaaaa im love. so thats 833n my year so far, deli8er8ly not including the VERY LARGE AND VERY UNIGNORA8LE THING that STARTED this whole i wanna get 8etter and 8e mature and then the i wanna learn my friends love me so we can love eachother more and i can spend and want to spend more effort into having 8etter healthier rel8ionships so we can love eachother more so we can learn healthier rel8ionships outside of these ones ...thing, cause i shalt not vague even if it is without ill intent or manner of speaking xoxo ♥ 8ut i will say it is a specific person that sent me on this good spiral in the first place and made me earnestly want to do my 8est to get 8etter and learn how to get 8etter instead of slumping into 'ung life already sucks so 8ad why 8other trying anyway' they inspire me and make me f33l like even if everything did or does suck they show there's something more to it all and i wanna find it even if i have to dig it up myself even if it takes a while or even if it's underwhelming or is hard to get a grip of there's still Them and that would make up for it and fill what it couldnt and!!! aaaaaaagh!!! im loving u_u it's all hard to word 8ut they made this year not just another year and they make me f33l okay with trekking on into the future even if i don't know what'll happen if theyre there may8e it wont 8e so 8ad and.... :3. here's to next year

#clove rambles #personal #the past few w33ks ish may8e more? ive 833n on the verge of tears at 8asically anything that makes me slightly emotional or happy #so hopefully this post will drag u into that with me too!!!!!!!! just for the dur8ion of this post though. :3

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barnesandrogersfanfics · 4 years

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Rose Coloured Glasses - Part 13

A/N: Just a little update because i’ve been slacking lately.... sorry! There’s a tiny bit of smut.... not much because im so bad it! 🤣💕💕💕

**Warning: Contains Defending Jacob spoilers**

After hearing about how Jacob found Bens body Andy then went on to explain that Jake didnt tell anyone because he was scared, he thought he would get blamed for it. So he went to school as normal and didn't tell anybody about what he had found.

"Hey, lunch is ready" Laurie said from behind me and i turned to face her with a smile.

"Thank you"

"Y/N, I know what Andy has just told you doesn't sound great, but Jacob is a good kid...."

"I know" i nodded "Laurie i'm on your side i promise".

"Thank you Y/N".

"Come on, lets go eat" Andy stood up leading the way back through to the kitchen.

Jacob didn't join us for lunch he was still sleeping off his night in a prison cell. After we finished lunch Andy excused himself to the bathroom leaving me and Laurie alone at the table.

"I heard what you said to Andy after he told you about his father" Laurie said fiddling with the napkin she had in her lap "you really care about him" she stated, she didnt even ask if i cared about Andy....she knew the answer already.

"I do. I know i don't know him like you do, but i trust him. I know he's a good man, with a good heart"

"I thought i knew him, but now i'm not so sure. Maybe you do know him better than i do, he's so open with you".

"Maybe its because i don't know him like you do that he's like that. Sometimes its harder to talk to the people closest to us, we don't want to disappoint them or have them think any less of us.... or pity us"

"You sound like your talking from experience"

"Yeah maybe" i scoffed "most of us have something in our past we'd like to forget, just run away from it all and start afresh"

"Id like to do that right about now" Laurie said with a tired smile.

"You need to stay strong for Jacob. Look i know you don't know me but if you ever need to talk.... i'll listen"

"Thats sweet of you, i might just take you up on that"

"Anytime" i smiled at her, i looked up and saw Andy standing in the doorway watching us with his arms crossed and a proud smile on his face.

"So that went better than i thought it would" i said to Andy as we drove back to my place later that day. Once it was dark the news vans left for the day so he took the chance to escape and come back to mine for a while.

"I told you you had nothing to worry about" he smiled over at me quickly before looking back at the road and reaching my hand "thank you Y/N"

"For what?" I asked turning in my seat to face him.

"Where do i start?" He shook his head "you've been so supportive through everything.... even today with Laurie"

"What do you mean?"

"I heard the two of you talking, how you said she can talk to you if she needs to.... you didn't have to do that"

"It just seemed like the right thing to do" i shrugged casually "is it weird if i get along with your ex?"

"No" he chuckled "i'm kinda glad the two of you got along"

"Yeah?"

"Yeah, one less thing to worry about".

Before i knew it Andy was parked outside my house and turning off the car.

Once inside i dropped my coat and bag on the table in the hallway, Andy's coat dropping on top before he wrapped his arms around my waist resting his head on my shoulder.

"I wish i could spend the night here" he mumbled as pressed a kiss to my neck.

"Me too but you've got an early start for Jacob's meeting with Joanna in the morning"

"I know, it doesn't change the fact i wanna stay here with you though"

"Wanna watch a movie before you have to go...?"

"Honey, we both know we wouldn't be watching the movie" he tightened his hold on me so his front was pressed hard into my back making me moan when i felt his hardness against my lower back.

"You like that huh?" He said sounding sexy as hell as he grinded against me.

"Fuck yes!" I turned in his arms crashing my mouth to his as i pulled him towards my bedroom, he picked me up halfway up the stairs and rushed the rest of the way to my room. He dropped me on the bed making me laugh and stood at the foot of my bed shedding his clothes. I was leaning back on my elbows watching him, biting my lip as i enjoyed my private show.

"Like what you see?" He asked sounded amused by the way i was watching him.

"Very much so" i nodded quickly smiling as he pushed his black boxer briefs down leaving him completely bare before me "wow..... i will never get bored of this sight"

"Honey.... why are you still dressed? I think this is a little unfair..." he laughed as he knelt on the bed.

"Do something about it then" i shrugged playfully at him, his eyes darkened as his hands grabbed my ankles pulling me closer to him making me yelp in surprise "Oh Mr Barber....." i smiled at how he man handled me. Andy reached up grabbing hold of my leggings and underwear and pulling them clean off before nudging my legs apart to make room for him to settle between them. He trailed kisses up my stomach as he pushed my shirt up. When he reached my breasts he pulled down the cup of my bra just enough to latch onto my nipple. I pulled at his hair letting out a moan when i felt him bite down.

"Oh god Andy" i groaned as my hips raised off the bed in search of some friction, it was then i felt his hand slide down my side before slipping between my thighs.

"Ah fuck....." my eyes closed as he worked my clit before his fingers trailed down making sure i was ready for him "Andy please, don't tease me i need you"

"Okay honey, i got you" he smiled leaning down to kiss me, he left me breathless like always as he took hold of his cock, running it through my slick before lining himself up with my entrance and finally sinking home..... the noises Andy made were just plain sinful and made me want him even more.

Andy was laying on his stomach with his head in my lap and arms wrapped around my waist as we enjoyed the rest of our time just being together. My fingers were running through his hair when i looked down and gasped.

"Shit i scratched you up pretty bad...." i said running my finger along Andy's back where he now sported some nasty red marks, he just chuckled burying his face further into my lap.

"Its not funny! Do they hurt....?"

"Honey i'm fine, it doesn't hurt"

"What do you say we jump in the tub before you have to leave?"

"I say that sounds like a great idea" he reached up and kissed me.

It had taken Andy a while to actually leave after our shared bath, he had sat on the edge of the bed peppering my face and neck with kisses before tucking me in.

"I really don't want to leave you...." he smiled down at me.

"I know, i don't want you to either but you have to get home. Come by when your done tomorrow though, theres a spare key in drawer in the hall you can take"

"You sure?"

"Of course" i smiled reaching up to kiss him before falling back down on the bed and getting comfy.

"Okay, goodnight honey" he smiled and kissed me one last time before reluctantly leaving my room. It was around midnight when Andy actually ended up leaving my house taking my car back to his place rather than me taking him home, i wouldn't be needing it to get to work tomorrow anyway.

Everything taglist: @jesseswartzwelder @dumblani @barnesandrogersworld @patzammit

Rose Coloured Glasses taglist: @readermia @princess-evans-addict @jennmurawski13 @matsumama @ex-bloodjunkie @kaithezaftig @rynabarnesrogers-reading @rainbowkisses31 @ms-betsy-fangirl @supernaturalwintersoldier

#chris evans #andy barber #defending jacob #defending jacob spoilers #steve rogers #captain america #chris evans x reader #andy barber x reader #reader insert #rose coloured glasses #sebastian stan

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yaboyspodcastpalace · 3 years

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For the character asks: Jon, Peter Lukas, Annabelle Cane? (giving multiple suggestions so you can pick one in case you get the same character twice in different asks)

very kind of you to assume i get many asks :') THANKS ill do all of them u_u

[Send me a character and i'll tell you...]

(under the cut bc i love talking and this got long lmao)

Jon

First impression

he's a uptight prick with obvious favoritism for sasha and tim and i love him so! much!!!!!!

Impression now

my poor little mew mew hm................I've got a complicated relationship w/ jon bc i love him a lot, but i loved s1 him the most, and literally everything else just makes me really, brutally, sad ;_; The way he tries so desperately to cling to his humanity and how other characters just call him by the title imposed to him makes me wanna cry

...also he just cares so much ;_; i cry

Favorite moment

probably his interactions with georgie at the beginning of season 3!!! From s5 id say when he killed not!sasha, it felt vindictive ù_ú

Idea for a story

Dhfhdh im p basic when it comes to him ngl, either jon/tim/sasha friends to lovers or jon and desolation!tim or *something*!sasha trying to stay as human as possible, together 😔 (or just any of them living and coping together in s4 n s5)

Unpopular opinion

Im just not a fan of monster jon, at all! He's not the type of character that i enjoy seeing having a corruption arc unfortunately!! It just hurts!!! (and this Is from someone that Loves corruption arcs!!!)

Also i really hate moth jon imagery??? For not particular reason, moths are pretty, but i still hate it u_u AND THE ASSOCIATION OF GREEN W/ JON (or the beholding in general!) I CANNOT STAND IT!! i know its bc of the tma logo but guess what! Its wrong! Purple jon rights!!!

ALSO ALSO the so called pining he had for martin just.... didnt felt like that at all! i have Many feelings abt this!

Favorite relationship

either georgie in s3, or sasha!!! i love how he always praises sasha in her research in s1 and even thought he's at his driest & sharp Trying-To-Project-Professionalism-And-Skepticism she still rolls into his office, interrupts him mid statement to banter w/ him abt pronunciation n stuff and its just Normal, like that speaks volumes of how comfortable they felt around each other! they were friends gdi! the moment he realizes she died and then everytime the not!them mocks him w/ her death makes me wanna break smth q_q

im not even gonna mention tim bc even though i love their relationship It 👏 makes me👏 very 👏 sad 👏

non shippy and also staying strictly canon, i love his relationship with melanie!

Favorite headcanon

sometimes i think abt that one hc that hes really good with arcade games bc he lived near the coast and i smile bc thats cute :) also hes a trans man 💙💗🤍💗💙

Peter

First impression

Mystery evil captain man!!! Fog?? I LOVE him :)

Impression now

I STILL LOVE HIM SO MUCH!!!!!!!!! Hes an asshole and has a lovely voice and smile and hes not, hes not Dumb but also he's far from the whooooa evil lonely influence he think he is (played like a cheap fiddle). He also makes me sad in ways i cannot and wont describe, and its a shame that he died cuz he was the best part of season 4 😔 rip you beautiful bastard man i still miss you </3

Favorite moment

"It has blood on it" "thats Leitner's too :D". Also when martin was angry abt idk, breekon? Jon going into the coffin? Cant remember, but peter was like I said id protect the institute, that guys not my problem ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Idea for a story

dfgdfg i have..... a petermart story that dealt with the different flavor of loneliness they both had, half smut half genuine meta of both of them and theorization on the branching of an Entity & how their powers manifested in other people...

basically, peter thinks hes hot shit when it comes to loneliness but gets overwhelmed when martin accidentally projects his feelings abt *fic's plot stuff* on him, its fun stuff!

Unpopular opinion

people either paint him like an absolute devil or an incompetent idiot and hes neither of them! hes an asshole who loves being an asshole but far from the worst monster in the show and he tried to do a clever scheme TWICE on his life and 1. while it was established that any of the rituals wouldnt work singularly the Silence was still a pretty clever attempt if it weren't for gertrude! and 2. well... he tried to manipulate someone petty and formerly supposed to be a web avatar, again not his fault, cant call him stupid for trying dfgdfg

i Do think hes kinda pathetic in some sense considering his backstory, but more out of personal pity than anything else

Favorite relationship

Canonically speaking him and martin! The pull and push of them was The best thing about season 4! Peter being a quite dangerous avatar and martin, beautiful and scared and kinda feisty, confronting him every chance he gets, peter doing his best to manipulate him and martin letting him believe hes succeeding (even thought, he is, partly). They're fascinating characters to have side by side

Favorite headcanon

Partly canonically speaking him and mikaele salesa :) they do bets together! They're lonely sea men! What else could you possibly want?

Also non shippy i like thinking abt peter's and simon's relationship but thats entirely non canon ♡

Diversity wins! The heir of the lonely is a gay man!

Also I think as every rich household(?) the lukases had many paintings and peter as a kid saw the ones w/ sailing ships and imagined sailing far far away from his family. That and seaman aesthetic fucks, which is why he always has the same vibe going on as an adult. He does Not know half of the things he'd need to know to have a ship though but hey he's rich and thats all he needs

Annabelle

First impression

thats a horrible psychological experiment they're making there D:

Impression now

THATS STILL A HORRIBLE EXPERIMENT AND ANNABELLE DESERVED SO MUCH BETTER............. idk! she makes me sad in the same way jon (and to a degree, peter) does! to be a living puppet for the thing that traumatized you as a kid and that later kinda killed you / is the only thing keeping you alive, to be devoted to it scrambling to believe in a higher reason for all of it to happen bc to believe otherwise is............. anyway. i love her, and i feel so so sorry for her

Favorite moment

her "maybe ive never been to the beach" at the end of ehr statement (that i fully believe its bullshit but, yknow, i love that she adds that), most of her convos with martin, her "i told you this might happen" "you did, you did" with mikaele

Idea for a story

i think a lot about her having conversations w/ either mikaele (platonically) or sasha (shippy) and their different points of views and treat with her making her doubt the web a bit

Unpopular opinion

listen, listen, i know it sounds like im woobifying her i Know it but reading the scraps of her story how can i Not feel sorry for her? when the story framed her very similar to jon? the supernatural childhood encounter that gave them arachnophobia and the subsequential joining with an Entity against her will? the fact that both the story and the fans treat her like a spider woman always sat very very bad to me, and the fact that the story itself always framed her like a villain (considering All The Other Characters that get the benefit of the doubt) was extremely disappointing

Favorite relationship

her and mikaele!!!!!!! wish we could have seen more scenes of just the two of them!!!!!! *singing* he is her daaaaaad, hes her dad! boogie boogie boogie! (ok no but like... their offscreen friendship is my favorite thing of season 5 ;_;)

Favorite headcanon

Sigh i dont know...i still think she's scared of spiders which make her current existence harder but thats a sadcanon :/ umm...... i love the idea of mikaele and her cooking together from time to time! Mikaele showing her some plates he used to eat as a kid as he talks stories about his life :) and she listens and sometimes tells a story of her own! its been so long since he had a quasy normal conversation! its weird yet nice!

#i say the same phrase many times but basically best parts of s4 are hands down peter. lonely!mart. peter and martin. melanie's arc. thats it #best parts of s5 are jon killing the not!them. annabelle. mikaele. annabelle & mikaele. annabelle and martin. thats it #dhfjfj sorry half of these are a bummer but you asked me... characters i have a complicated relationship with... i love the three of them s #statement ends #THANKS i love... talking

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blurays · 3 years

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i feel like i need to remember ppl have it worse than me and make it through

because i know people think im self centered and think my own problems are the only ones which like i dont think that but if it comes off that way its the same effect

but its like every Little bad thing feels like the end of the world im not one of those grateful terminally ill people who enjoy every little thing now i think when ur already horribly depressed its instead just. every good thing actually makes you sad too and every bad thing makes you feel cursed

idk if i over think or barely think abt things

and in regards to how bad i have it

again im like oh i whine so much people make it thru worse

but sometimes i barely think abt how bad ive had it

like as in the pandemic has been weird for me hearing people complaining about not having close contact for (under a) year and im like well. the last time i had a friend in real life i was. twelve

and if u count a friend i talked to outside of school think it drops down to like eleven and im 22 now and my parents have ranged from neglectful narcissistic to gaslighting to just. maybe they love me but they dont say it i dont feel it idk we're more roommates than anything else i think. and its hard to feel like im being honest that they’re bad because i used to think i had to lie for pity but i mean i havent been to school since i was 12, so...

like its ✨embarrassing✨ but im so incredibly lonely i have been for a really really really long time its why when i have a gf or whatever theyre the only thing i care abt which everyone including them understandably is like shut the fuck up but rlly im at the point where a mutual randomly dms me hoping im ok and i burst into tears because people are nice (here usually) but i feel like its just cause they feel bad for me and i dont even believe that anyone thinks abt me if im not talking which is probably why i feel like im suffocating if i cant tweet or say smth whatever 3x to the same ppl like ik ppl think i love attention because im a cunt or a leo or whatever but i rly think im just trying to like not die of loneliness its not even just the like lack of rl friends for uhm ten plus years its like i dont even go anywhere except the doctor or the store or whatever the people who ive occasionally seen like when i helped with scouts one time the woman said i know you hate hugs but i want to and i was like what and realized i just. dont even know how to react to physical contact cause again i mean christ i didnt know being touch starved was an actual like Thing beyond me being sad about it i guess but yeah i really only get touched at the doctor or if i ask for help when surgery leaves me particularly disabled which is ✨painful and humiliating✨ i think when my mom massaged my back a couple times after hospital beds had me like super fucked up tensed was like . the nicest thing ive experienced in . well yeah 11 years and its not like i can remember before that ive just never been physically close w someone and thats not even Normal and im not going to be Loved any time soon like i cant even work still i just dont interact w anyone making friends irl sounds horrifying and impossible idk how to act w people after this long and tht feels supported by ppl lately

and thats just loneliness if uve ever read like one post from me u know the. illness thoughts

im tired its weird because i dont think i couldve imagined ever being 22 when i was 12 i think i was really planning to die before that but i didnt and now i might not ever be 25 or 30 and i dont know i think that makes me really sad but i think if they told me it was happening i might be just. a little relieved because im so tired i wish i didnt have to choose to die like cause id Rather be loved touched happy but that doesnt feel realistic ever and im tired of this i think id just rather it be over lol

sorry if u read all this and thanks .

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zhuhongs · 3 years

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When I was growing up I didnt understand why people shared food with others. I shared food with my mom and such, but that was it. I thought that sharing food was something people only did with those super close to them. I never once just considered sharing food with others like many families do.

I grew up as one of the only poor colored kids in a well off white neighborhood. My mom always had this weird complex. That she and the rest of our family "weren't like other Hispanic people" because we "didn't take handouts" and "didn't live like that" whatever that was supposed to mean. I hate her internalized racism sm... it fucked me up so bad but i’m mostly over it and she is too thank god but that's a whole other issue for another text post) Thus she always ingrained it in me that I don't take food that other ppl are offering me. If a white person tries to give me food, they're probably just pitying me for being the poor girl. And if a poc gives me food, they need it more than I do, I should take it but pay them back later for it. To save face and not cause burden. I never thought twice abt it and it was rarely an issue. Most of my friends were white and their parents always thought it was kind that i offered to pay for my food but never let me. And my friends of color... well i didnt have many. I didnt have many friends growing up that I rlly remember. I was always just weird and quiet. I occasionally brought food on birthdays and got food for others on their birthday. But outside of special occasion I didnt go out of my way to give people food. If I didnt like something I'd give it to someone who did. And if someone was gonna throw something away, I ate it. I never let food go to waste. When I went out with people, I bought my food and they bought theres and we just ate. Nothing else. I never thought anything of it.

I remember a very distinct moment where I started to feel differently. I was in my second semester of university and my dance team was preparing for a performance over spring break. We had been practicing from 9am to 3pm and then decided to go to the mall to get food and just hang out for a bit. My university friend group is like.. notoriously bad at making decisions so I usually make the decisions for them bc theyre all so passive alkfjaslkfjd (THEY ALL HAVE OLDEST IMMIGRANT DAUGHTER OF COLOR SYNDROME like me too omg ik ur a ppl pleser but PICK SMTH, ily them... i’ll stop now) . SO we were deciding where to get food and settled on the food court and we all get what we want. So we did all that and sat a big table together and I just remember everyone putting the food in the middle and getting extra plates so we could take from each we wanted and have a little bit of everything. And at first i was like?? HUH!?? like I got what i wanted bc thats what I wanted and then planned to take my leftovers home to eat at work later that night. And that ended up working out, they could kinda tell that was my intention but ever since then I noticed that that friend group always does that. We all buy different things and share. I really used to find it dumb at first bc its my money and i paid for what i wanted. I didn’t want to take others food and I didn’t rlly want to give them mine. I thought that mentality was universal. I was always kinda on the outside with that group, we never fully meshed but I really wanted to make the effort to be friends with them because I knew it would be rewarding, even if we were just casual friends. And yea idk, just through them I began to kinda unlearn the way I used to feel about sharing food. It’s not about the money, it’s about the connection to others and about giving freely and letting others give to u. But money was always tight as a id. As I’ve started working and making money, thankfully i’ve abandoned this knee jerk reaction.

I read a chapter of a book for highschool english once called “Sharing Food as an Act of Communion” or smth along those lines and I got the concept but didn’t rlly think it was that deep. But in that moment, i started to understand it a lot more. Sharing food and sharing things in general isn’t about the object itself, its about what got u to that point to share something with someone. Due in part to way i was raised as I elaborated on earlier, I really wasn’t a loving or giving person. I was selfish. I was taught to be selfish. Because my parents had that mentality and passed it onto their kids. That was the cutthroat immigrant way of theirs. They were very much “pull yourself up by your bootstraps ppl.” My brother is still like that a bit. It’s very sad sometimes, I’m trying to get him out of it. Baby steps. My mom doesn’t understand why he’s so selfish. One of these days I think i’m going to sit her down and tell her that it’s her own doing. That how she raised us. But I know she doesn’t want to hear it, so for her sake and mine I just agree with her and let the issue pass without incident. I truly believe that kindness and community are the most radical things that humans have. I rlly do. It took me a long time to get there. I used to be so convinced I was better of alone. One man for themselves. I blame my father, i really do.

One time when things were really going to shit with my family, my dad came in my room and asked me how I could be so cruel to him when he was my father, completely unaware of the fact that I had been abused by him my entire life. He just didn’t register it that way bc it wasn’t physical. He said to me “You know Sage, I would expect this from your brother. But you’re a girl . I thought you’d be nicer, more loving and giving.” but it was his own actions that shaped this. And it wasn’t until I had stopped living with him at 18 that I was able to become more like how I am now.

Really, in the past I wasn’t a very nice or loving person. I wasn’t mean either!! I was just passive. A cold lake near a forest. I was nice looking on any surface level, but there was nothing warm or pleasant. A cold lake with jagged rocks underneath. With the help of others i’ve warmed, the rocks eroded down to something you would keep in a collection. I prefer it this way. I’ve healed a bit. I understand now what ppl mean when they say food is a love language. It isn’t one for me yet, but I recognize why it is for others. I get it now.

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shhh-no-ones-home · 5 years

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give what it takes* 1/2 Remington leith x reader

+++++++++

hello i still hate writing for actual people but ya girls gotta do what ya girls gotta do, i love palaye and ive been like super obsessed with them again lately cause im seeing them in may and just bought their palette and cant stop thinking about it so ya know here it is #noshame #someshame

* - smut, mentions of sex, mention of kinks, thigh riding, etc. Read at your own risk

song: get some by ghosted

+++++++++

the concert ended but the party didnt. i was lucky enough to be on tour with palaye but still had work to do when the shows were over. it was a week we had stops that were close enough together to stay at an air b&b for the night, which was nice since i could finally sit down and get things done. we had all went back to the house after the concert to get cleaned up, the boys being extremely sweaty from the stage lights and high energy performance. i sat at the island typing as they all ran around getting ready for the night ahead of them. i sat quietly as they conversed with their girlfriends who were visiting for the weekend.

i looked up when remington threw himself into the bar stool across the counter from me. he smiled at me before picking up one of the apples from the bowl on the counter and tossing it in the air. he took a large bite out of it as emerson walked out into the kitchen/living room.

"you going with us tonight?"

i looked down at my laptop to scan my work before looking back at him.

"i dont think so, its already eleven and ive got too much work to do tonight."

he frowned at me before gesturing to remington.

"you coming?"

rem looked at me and i peered at him over my laptop.

"ya know what, why dont you guys go ahead, ill stay here and help y/n."

i looked up completely, shock written on my features.

"you dont have to do that rem, you should go and have fun."

his 'girlfriend' walked up to his side and played with his hair.

"yeah remi, come have fun with us, she doesnt need your help to do her job."

she peered at me and i sent her a stern glare.

he rubbed her back.

"why dont you go hang out with them, ill be right here when you get back."

she leaned down and kissed him and led the way for them all to leave. when the door was closed me and remi were the only two left in the house. he tapped the counter as i went back to typing.

"so, its been a while since we were alone together."

i looked up at him.

"yep."

i went back to typing.

"whatcha doin over there?"

"fixing lighting."

"whats wrong with the lighting?"

i looked up at him and raised an eyebrow.

"the yellows and greens where washing Emerson out the whole show. i have to fix the positioning on my renderings for the next venue."

he nodded and made an o with his mouth. i went back to typing.

"is there anything else you have to fix?"

i looked up at him.

"a couple things."

"like?"

i sighed.

"remington if you keep asking me questions im not gonna get anything done."

i laughed lightly and he smiled at me, throwing his hands in the air in defeat.

"okay, okay, if you want help with anything let me know, im gonna go chill on the couch."

he motioned behind him and i nodded before getting back to work.

---

i sighed and stretched, i had been sitting on this bar stool for almost two hours. none of the group had showed back up yet and remington was still sitting on the couch scrolling through his phone. i closed my laptop as i heard him laugh out loud at something he saw on his feed. i rolled my eyes before standing and shaking out my legs.

"god, i feel like ive been curled over forever."

he turned to look at me as i made my way to the couch, sitting on the arm rest next to him. he slid down the settings on his phone to look at the time more clearly.

"well, in all fairness you have been sitting on your computer for over two hours, its one."

i groaned.

"yeah, im surprised no ones back yet."

he stretched and clasped his hands together behind his head, lengthening his body.

"im not, when the boys drink, the boys drink."

he laughed and i just shook my head.

"whatever."

he nudged my leg with his elbow.

"do you wanna do something now that your work is done?"

i shrugged and let my legs fall on either side of the arm rest.

"what did you have in mind?"

i looked down at him, seeing him quickly opening youtube then shoving his phone in my face.,

"look at this."

i leaned back a little before taking it and watching the video. i looked at remington funny.

"really?"

he shrugged.

"what?"

i turned the phone around to show him.

"boy out here on the weird side of youtube."

he laughed and took the phone back.

"i mean you didnt have to take it."

i rolled my eyes.

"yeah but i was curious."

he raised an eyebrow and smirked at me.

"arent we all."

i winked at him.

"you know it."

he leaned toward me and rested his arm on my thigh, smacking my knee with his hand. i shifted.

"what?"

i shook my head.

"nothing."

he tapped my my knee with his fingers like he was playing a keyboard. i watched his hand intently before looking back at him staring at me. he raised an eyebrow.

"okay maybe im just a little touch starved."

i ran a hand through my hair and looked away from him. he scooted closer to me.

"touch starved?"

i looked back at him and nodded slowly. he locked eyes with me and squeezed my lower thigh.

"are you okay?"

i shrugged.

"i just dont touch people or let people touch me and thats one of the leading reasons im depressed and sick all the time. like adult humans need affection and hugs and kisses and things like that but i cut myself off so i dont really get the things that my brain needs to be happy."

i looked ahead of me, i didnt care to see his pity ridden face. suddenly he moved and hugged me tightly from the side, his left ear pressed to my right arm.

"do you feel better yet?"

i laughed.

"yes rem, definitely."

i ruffled his hair lightly with my left hand and he looked up at me but didnt remove his arms from my body.

"liar."

i slouched into him.

"okay, its not like you can fix it right away."

he loosened his grip a little before kneeling next to me on the couch and squishing my face in his hands.

"what else would you want me to try?"

i shrugged.

"did you ever used to try things to feel better? like find one person to hug everyday or something?"

i laughed and he let go of my face. i just shook my head,

"what?"

i looked at him knowingly.

"sex. i used to have sex."

his face went straight.

"sex."

i nodded.

"yeah, i used to have sex to make myself feel better, it was intimate and 'affectionate' touching for at least a night. in case you haven't noticed though i havent been with anyone since we started plans for tour months ago so yeah theres nothing i can really do about that."

he sat back on his knees defeated.

"i guess you couldnt masturbate either cause thats still not another person touching you, that you touching yourself."

he looked at me with a straight face before we both laughed. he laid back on the couch, his feet pushed up against the arm rest i was sitting on. he rested one hand behind his head and the other on his stomach.

"so, did you just find random dudes or?"

i sent him a look.

"really, thats what your worried about right now?"

he shrugged.

"i figured it was a ligther topic i dont know."

i just shook my head.

"no they werent just random dudes, you gotta have a connection first ya know. they were people that i had hung out with before, kind of close but not enough for them to care if we slept together and then didnt talk for a little while ya know. it was always easier that way cause i knew who wanted a screw and who wanted more depending on the mood i was in."

he raised a brow.

"particular people for particular kinks or turn ons?"

i smiled at him.

"yeah sometimes."

"like?"

"like people or like turn ons and kinks?"

"turn ons and kinks, i couldnt care less about the people."

i laughed at the face he made.

"what you want a reference?"

"just trying to see what kind of person youre hiding under that hard exterior."

i raised a brow and smirked at him.

"okay, well for starters id say soft touches."

he laughed.

"wow, soft touches?"

"dont laugh, its a turn on, start light and build up ya know."

"youre right, continue."

"neck fetish, not just like i like necks im talking like hickeys and kissing and licking, weird vampire shit ya know."

"amen to that."

i laughed at him.

"thigh riding-"

"im sorry what?"

"thigh riding?"

"yeah what the hell kinda?"

i lifted my foot up on the couch so it wasnt dangling in front of it anymore.

"its where you are on someones lap or like knelt over one of their thighs while their sitting down and grind yourself on them to get off. i guess in my instance making out with someone while they touch me, but while thats happening im riding their thigh.? "

"that sounds like itd be an experience."

i looked at him with a sly smile.

"oh it is."

there was a pause.

"can you show me?"

if i was drinking i would have spat all over the place.

"you what?"

"can you should me? i mean your on the arm of the chair, you could do it on that right?"

i laughed.

"do you know how wet that would make someone? the couch would be near ruined."

i laughed.

"so do it on me."

i stopped and looked at him, he was staring up at me with a very serious face.

"You're joking right?"

"What's wrong with two friends hooking up?"

I shrugged.

"I don't know how about the fact that you kinda have a girlfriend."

"Oh come on no one here even likes her, not even me, and we're not really dating she's just like around."

I rolled my eyes.

"Tell her that."

"I'm telling you that, now get over here and show what the heck thigh riding is."

#wattpad #smut #x reader #remington leith #remington kropp #palaye royale #palaye royale imagine #one shot #thigh riding

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b00bconnoisseur · 5 years

Text

60 questions for @not-my-brain

1. selfie.......Ugghhhh ok. Imma take one rn

Ok here u go (yes thats a bmth shirt)

2. what would you name your future kids?.....Ooo hmmm well when i was a kid i really liked the names disney, and mesiah. I didn't know at the time that mesiah was another name for god i think lol. I liked it cause of handlers mesiah. I still do. Ooo and maybe Tj too

3. do you miss anyone?......Yeah. My friends on Pinterest from a year ago. My friend lucas. Stan lee. Bob ross. My cousin who died from cancer some years ago. Snape. Sirius. Lupin. Tonks. Dobby. *continues to name every unfortunate death in hp*

4. what are you looking forward to?.......SE-YA next month!! Its the south eastern young adult festival at this college. You can have meet n greets with authors and alot of stuff its the besstttt

5. is there anyone who can always make you smile?......DEFINATELY. @dirtysocke @mysisterlooksforthisaccountsobye @cristal-kyd1280 @sammchenry my friend lucas and @septembersbloom. ^^

6. is it hard for you to get over someone?..... What like...romantically? Or like a death? If romantically uhhh idk it took over a couple weeks but im ok now. Ive never had another relationship so idk. If death oof yeah idk maybe. Ig it depends on how much i knew them idk. Like when my nanny (great grandma) died i was sad for days (is that alot?)

7. what was your life like last year?.....Sucky af. Still is. But the highlights of my life last year was getting and making friends on tumblr, going to the tøp concert and going to warped tour, volunteering at the library, going to seya and meeting some of my favorite authors, reading, changing and improving my art, listening to all the bands i listen to now, getting into more fandoms, going to a friends house for the first time

8. have you ever cried because you were so annoyed?.......Yes lol. Some years ago when i couldn't find smtn id be so annoyed and pissed id start crying. I dont now but still lol

9. who did you last see in person?.......Hm ig family doesn't count....? Wait do u mean a friend? If so uhh my friends rebekah, anika, and Judah at a TAB meeting at the library sometime last month.

10. are you good at hiding your feelings?......I think so? Like i mean I can hide whenever i get my....time of the month from my mom (talking abt stuff like that with her makes me uncomfortable) and i hid a breakup. And other p big stuff too. So imma say yeah

11. are you listening to music right now?........*pops on earbuds after reading this* yee im listening to bitch lasagna by pewdiepie xD (do i have the best spotify playlist or what?)

12. what is something you want right now?.......To hug @mysisterlooksforthisaccountsobye but SOMEONE has to live so far away

13. how do you feel right now?........Happy that my earbud still works cause they got washed in the wash yesterday....oops. Its not my fault. I told my dad to remind me to take it out of my jacket pocket before they threw it in but noooooo he forgot

14. when was the last time someone of the opposite sex hugged you?.......Uhhhhh fuck idk it was probably from my lil 4 yr old bro sometime last week. Other than him (hes my favorite sibling) i dont let them hug me too much

15. personality description.......Nerdy. Fangirl. "Emo". Tomboy. Hotsause obsessed. Book lover. Music lover. Black. Blue. Harry potter. Introvert. Fall. Sports. Values friendship. Loyal. Uhhhh i cant think of much lol

16. have you ever wanted to tell someone something but you didn’t?.......*sigh* yes. Yes yes yes. Theres some things abt me, or my life really, that i havent told anyone on here or my irl friends that i sooooo want to so bad but i haven't cause i feel like they'd feel bad and pity me and i don't want that

17. opinion on insecurities........I dont really understand this one. Everyones insecure abt something. Is this askin like if i think its ok or not? I say its ok. Im insecure about literally everything about me. My face. My personality. My socialness. My art. What i do. What i say. Basically my whole body. The things i feel good abt are my books, music taste, and my friends (ily fuckers)

18. do you miss how things were a year ago?.........Hmm this time around a year ago....idk its sorta the same but all the stuff i mentioned abt my year from last year didn't happen yet so nah tho my life sucks rn its better than this time last year

19. have you ever been to New York?........Nooo but i want too soo baddd i wanna visit @septembersbloom !! Im coming for ya soon gramps *does the eye watching thing* my dads been to nyc before tho cause he does construction and he had a concrete job to do there. It was a 23 hr drive for him

20. what is your favourite song at the moment?........Uhhh idk!!! So hard! Maybe.....the whole thats the spirit album by bmth ;)

21. age and birthday?.....15 yrs of age and September 27th 2003 (whats yours brainy? I'll put it on my calendar)

22. description of crush......Its weird idk im not sure if its a genuine crush or not but uh....They like hp :).Thats all u get

23. fear(s).......Losing my best friend @dirtysocke and my other friends. Death. Failure. Momo chasing after me then killing me slowly keeping my eyes open to look her dead in the eyes while i die

24. height......5'6 call me short and I'll fuck u up with THIS *pulls out trusty potato peeler named now steve* dont test me boi

25. role model......Hhhhhhhh so many! But uh gosh one of them is @superraedizzle (youtuberrrr) and vexx and bob ross and da vinci and aaaaaaa so many

26. idol(s)......First person that immediately comes to mind is @sammchenry cause he's super cool and he's really nice and his art's reallyyy good (if u havent seen it w-w-what are u even doin with your life?) And he has a great sense of humor and *continues to ramble about why samms the best*

27. things i hate.......Dabs. Transphobes. Homophobic ppl. Basically any hate on the lgbtq+ community. Bullies. The ship starker. Umbridge. Snape haters

28. i’ll love you if….....U you'll eat pizza, draw, and rp harry potter with mee

29. favourite film(s)......Fantastic beasts. Every hp film. Twilight. The maze runner 1-2. The hunger games. Spiderman homecoming. Kingsman: secret service. Into the spideyverse tho i havent seen it yet

30. favourite tv show(s)......Inkmasterrrrr. B99. The mick. The middle. Uhhh idk mostly ink master xD

31. 3 random facts........Ive never had shrimp. I had a beta fish for over a year once. Im eating pizza crust rn

32. are your friends mainly girls or guys?.......G i r l s. I have all girl friends irl and one boy. And on tumblr it seems like i just meet girls? Likei agree with @cristal-kyd1280 its like alot more gals then dudes here. But i do have some guy friends on here too. But mostly girls

33. something you want to learn.......TO DRAW ANATOMY DAMMIT

34. most embarrassing moment........Every moment of my lifes an embarrassing moment. Idk of i can pick a "most" embarrassing one. But one time i i sent my crush (now ex bf) a hey fuckface and like some hearts or whatever for an ask game that meant like "i have a crush on u" "youre adorable" etc and said Hewo but i did it all anonymously. But he confronted me askin if i sent it cause im the only person he knows that actually says hewo lol. Then later on i finally admitted i really liked him and well y'all know the story after i think. Unless you're new

35. favourite subject.......A R TTTT OFC

36. 3 dreams you want to fulfill?........meet my friends on tumblr. Get into mtsu (college i wanna go to) and study art. And go skydiving

37. favourite actor/actress........favorite actor uhhhhhh probably thomas brodie sangster or tom felton and my favorite actress? Hmmm idk maybe evanna lynch (luna lovegood)

38. favourite comedian(s).......probably kevin hart lol he's p funny

39. favourite sport(s)........basketballllllll and football

40. favourite memory........uhhhhh idk?? One oh my favorite memories was when we went to see tøp in concert

41. relationship status.....single as a pringle

42. favourite book(s)......harry potter and the order of the pheonix. Harry potter and the half blood prince. Simon vs the homo sapiens agenda. Divergent. Maze runner. Twilight. Fangirl. Fallen. Red queen

43. favourite song ever.......TOO HARD DONT MAKE ME CHOOSEEEEEE

44. age you get mistaken for.........16 and 17 sometimes lol

45. how you found out about your idol........i was watching someone on yt and superraedizzle always poped up in my feed and my mom turned on one of her vids cause she always saw her vids too now ive seen most of em i love her. Id heard of vexx but never watched him and i was watching a collab from anthony miller art and shrimpy and i checked out shrimpys channel and was lookin at comments and alot of ppl said his art is like vexxs so i checked out vexx. At first i was like eh ok. Now i cant click fast enough when he posts a vid. And i actually fpund out about bob ross from my grandpa on jan 20 2017 when trump was getting sworn in or whatever. We turned on pbs and my grampa told me to look and bob ross was on and i was IN. I loved it. I even started watching full episodes on YouTube of the joy of painting after that. Wonderful man. My first painting i ever did i think was when i followed one of his tutorials xD (i didnt know it was popular at the time)

46. what my last text message says......."ok your turn"

47. turn ons.....uhh nerds ig idk um book lovers, music lovers, art lovers, potterheads, idk and nice ppl

48. turn offs......jerks. Homophobia. Idk ig whatever i said in things i hate

49. where i want to be right now......uhhhh idk wait didn't i already answer this? Ok this ones different ig so uhh with my friend lucas

50. favourite picture of your idol.....oh shit...favorite? Idk xD i have a fave of vexx but not of rae or bob. But heres pics of them any way

51. starsign......a libraaaaa boiii

52. something i’m talented at......drawing and speed reading. Thats about it lol. Oh and procrastina

53. 5 things that make me happy.......ooooo art, my friends here on tumblr, books, harry potter, and music ^^

54. something thats worrying me at the moment.....if my friend thinks im being annoying

55. tumblr friends......hhhhh so manyyyyyy. @dirtysocke @mysisterlooksforthisaccountsobye @cristal-kyd1280 @chinesewaffles2 @kingantlion @queen-baelin @sammchenry @septembersbloom and more

56. favourite food(s)......green beans, pepperoni pizza, and vanilla madelines

57. favourite animal(s).......basically any reptile. Puppies. Cats. Any animal really but my #1 are snakes

58. description of my best friend.....well she's a tiny bean (5 feet) and she has dark hair, she wears glasses, she doesnt take shit, she's in love with Josh dun, she's awesome, funny, nice (YES youre nice jackie) and shes the best friend ive ever had. Oh. And she has a weird obsession with spaghetti

59. why i joined tumblr.......well i heard abt it on Pinterest over a year ago but didnt want it. Then @mrfastbass-deactivated20181231 on DeviantArt said he got tumblr so i made one then followed him and figured id just post art and that's it cause i thought tumblr was boring as hell when i first got it. Now im p much obsessed with it

60. ask me anything you want.......go ahead brainy shoot. Give me smtn good

#my face #mutual peeps #not-my-brain #asks #60 questions

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oldmyths · 5 years

Text

i wish i had given myself permission to talk about it as it was happening instead of trying to process it by myself. i wish i kept a journal or something where i just let all my feelings out in a healthy way instead of internalizing it because now i just have questions. i cant trust my judgement bc i don’t know and i can’t ask anyone for advice bc i’ll have some weird fucking bias or something

i hesitate to even really talk about it now because of that. like maybe it wasnt abuse and it probably wasnt but how come when we tried the second time it just ended the same? is it me? do i genuinely need to work some issues out with a professional before i try dating again? i mean like yes but i know about those. do i just self-sabotage so hard that i dont even know it? am i just conditioned to reject any kind of love towards me bc everyone in my life hurts me in one way or another and if they love me then anyone else who loves me will hurt me too

everyone in my life, capable of showing me compassion and love physically. my family. my friends do love me and i know this and i know none of them would actually try to hurt me but how do i know? my family loves me but they don’t understand me and they dont know me and im too afraid of trying to explain, im too tired of trying to explain that its just easier to not and deal with their anger and frustration

i dont want to date anyone i dont have feelings for anyone i dont know if im just saying that so i can stop feeling or if im trying to convince myself that not dating = safe; how can i think that? doesnt that sound like someone who was abused? or just very very hurt, repeatedly.

can you even abuse someone without knowing it? its not their fault. they even asked me if i thought they were. why would they ask me that? if they had to ask then does that mean that they werent? did they ask so they could hear me say theyre a good person while continuing to hurt me? did they ask me if they were hurting me bc i was hurting them and the only way they knew how to ask for help was to ask if they were doing something wrong?

but they were doing something wrong. hurting me. was i hurting them? probably. but mutual abuse isnt a thing right? but thats what it felt like. am i the abuser? am i just struggling with an intense, deep-rooted victim complex? mutual abuse doesnt exist. its all reactionary right? who started reacting first, them or me?

i stuck my neck out for them. i woke up an hour early just so i could message them before they went into art class. i didnt have the language back then to communicate how i felt. i came out to my parents because i felt i was given an ultimatum. if i dont do it theyll be upset, they might leave, they accuse me of putting it off bc im not in love with them, i dont want to see them in person, im ashamed of them. i came out. it was bad. nobody helped me. they say i changed. i was exhausted.

we tried again. i dont remember this. we tried being friends first but it was just so easy to go back into that state because i guess i still love them. or who they used to be and sometimes the light hit the mirror just right and it was like nothing changed at all. i dont remember this but they did something to hurt my trust, they lied to me. did i freak out? was it warranted? i hate it when people dont tell me something especially if it involves me. did i make the right choice? what if i didnt?

i know im not a good person. i know i have issues that i need to work through. how many more passes do i give myself until i just start wallowing in this puddle of pity that i cried for myself? am i at that point yet?

nothing makes sense anymore but they made sense and they would tell me what to do and it would be okay cos if they didnt know then we could figure it out together and if it was bad then at least i just felt something familiar. i dont know what im doing. i cant cling to someone who doesnt exist anymore and id never ever reach out to them bc for all of my crying theyre not the same as when we last spoke and i hate that it was so recent. two years ago. i still think about it.

theyre not the same because im not the same and i dont know if it would be more harrowing if we still fit together or if we didnt.

... i dont think they were abusive but they still hurt me and that doesnt make my pain less meaningful. i dont know anymore. i dont remember. i wish i could forget. or at least move on from this. im trying to be as forgiving as i can, to myself, but i need to move on. sometimes i feel like i have and then i remember. i need to feel things and not keep them hidden away. this isnt something to be ashamed about.

i wonder if i’ll delete this post or if that would feel like im still ashamed of myself. for being hurt and for letting it happen again and for wanting it and for missing it and for wishing they would when they would more than likely treat me better now. maybe. not that i deserve it. well maybe i do--deserve to be treated better--but not by them because my expectation for them is to hurt me and when it isnt met i would probably not be in love with them. maybe. thats too intricate to try and dissect. would i love them now? maybe. im not really that hard to please.

actually thats an awful thing to dissect and i wish i didnt. but im not erasing it bc i need to like. post this i guess. i had a point somewhere.

maybe i wasnt abused and maybe i wasnt the only victim in that relationship and both of those things can exist while i say that i still hurt and im still grieving and all of these things are allowed to be. its okay. ill be okay.

but that hozier song really fucks me up and maybe i shouldnt listen to it anymore. i definitely shouldnt listen to it anymore.

#biweekly long post about how im sad #tw for themes of abuse. like thats all this is.

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vivilice · 5 years

Text

Regret (1)

No warnings

Genre: romance, Otherworldy, fantasy, LGBT+

A wind swept paper petals up towards the sky. A grand castle surrounded by a red sky lay in silence. The servants and stewards of this place all have a fabricated hearts. Only three residents carry a body of flesh and blood. A human with eyes of God and one arm. Who carries a promise with the two others. A dragon who has been around the longest and watches the other two from afar. Who carries his hobbies with vigor. A demon born from resentment which took a paper rose as his vessel. Who keeps the title of Devil and would rather spend time with the two others than those from outside.

The living room was dimly lit. Rosell sat on the windowsill one foot dangling down and with crossed arms. He looked outside at the rain. Hell was soaking with sound of roaring thunder in the distance. It was pleasant to hear. Really making the comforts of home more cozy.

“Wow, it’s thundering like crazy out there. I wonder if it’ll come closer.” A bright young woman sat down beside the Devil. Her peach skin illuminated every time a bolt of lightning lit the sky. Her long unruly blond hair fell nicely on her shoulders. Her smile warmed the Devil who she called brother everytime he looked at it.

A nice scent came sneaking in on them. It came directly from the kitchen which was placed beside the living room. A young looking man came strolling in. He wore a blue dress with a nice fluffy jacket, an apron and oven mittens while carrying stew. A long blue and white tail closed the kitchen door behind him. His slitted eyes screamed mischievous and his grin was painted a bright red.

“Food’s served.” He sang. The young woman, who was named Dina Ravenwood, who sat beside the Devil got up and darted to the dinning table. The man with the dragon’s tail, named Ikle Raveice sat down beside her and served her a portion of his cooking. He looked at his younger brother who still sat at the window. “Come eat with us already! I made your fav stew, you know.” Rosell Chartam Ibaraki, the Devil of the Fabricated Hell, stood up and sat down beside Ikle.

The little family sat and ate. Chatting about Dina’s school, about demonic affairs, about fashion and then. Dina,“Oh yeah! Today in religion I got in a heated discussion with two of the boys from the other class.” Ikle sniggered, “Wow, pro’lly ‘cause they had their own version of the Devil and such, huh? Not like anyone know the right answer right?” Ikle said, elbowing the Devil. Dina laughed and stuck her tongue out for her dragon brother. “Why are you booing me I’m right!” Ikle’s use of an old meme earned him another elbow.

“Actually,” Dina began after she had stopped laughing. “We were talking about resentment toward God and how The Devil...is driven by only that, hate.” Hearing Dina say that Rosell could only keep eating.

A shadow fell over Rosell’s features and he stared out of the window again. Ikle gulped loudly and gestured for Dina to change subject. Dina however, was quite nosy.

“Rosell? I argued against them because I know better, right.” She continued. Without hesitating Rosell answered, “Nah, they’re pretty much right. But you know that too. If it wasn’t for that god-for-nothing, i’d-“ Dina, “You’d what?” Silence feel over the room. “Isn’t that quite dumb?” Rosell turned his head, seething anger started to rise. he clenched his fists.

Dina’s face was stern and Ikle could only sigh. “Dina.” Rosell began, trying to keep his voice calm. “You don’t know what you’re talking about. You know what he did.” Dina was relentless, “I know he killed them. But didn’t you kill his forces too?” Rosell became angrier, he almost said something until Dina said, “Didn’t you want to be able to be left unrestrained? Is this your anger? You didn’t know any of them! Neither the circumstances surrounding why God saw it as a necessity to... ok I won’t defend mass murder. But... you hate a guy you never really met. And for what? The resentment your predessecors formed you from?”

Silence filled the room after Dina spoke. Suddenly, a loud humm broke out. Rosell turned his head and was met with the biggest “I told you bro!” Face from Ikle.

All the anger which had been built up suddenly dissapeared as if a witch had swung her staff. It dawned on Rosell.

She was right.

Ikle looked at Dina who returned the look. Then back to Rosell who stared at his plate Suddenly, Dina couldnt take her brother’s silence anymore.

“Uhh, Rosell? Sorry, I just wanted-“ Dina didn’t get the chance to finish. “You’re right.” “Huh?” It blurted from Ikle. Rosell rested his chin in his hand and looked troubled.

Rosell, “You’re absolutely right.”

Footsteps rang out throughout the Heavens. A colorful seraph darted around God’s abode to try and find the lord. Finally, after opening the absolute last door in the whole palace the angel found God.

A big white coat, with splotches of dried paint, floated around a being with a dimmed aura. With colorless hair tied loosely by the neck, held by a huge bead. A young man rotated his body to show a patchwork of vitiligo on his skin. Big round glasses surrounded his eyes which were two differen colors, one blue one and one purple. He broke into a smile, “Miza!! What is it?” The seraph stood straight and answered, “Young lord Bell, I-I believe I found Strezia’s daughter!!!!”

Colorful eyes widened and the smile became bigger. The God jumped into his angel’s embrace and celebrated with gusto, jumping up and down. “Are you for real?! Then what are we waiting for? Hurry and let’s go already!!!”

The seraph staggered and tried to readjust themselves, “Bell,uh Bell. Remember. It’s the human realm we are going to. You need to hide your aura!” Baltazar, the God of The World of Allure smiled, “Well, I think I will need your help... you know. My art block and all.” The seraph called Miza didn’t answer. Only giving a knowing nodd and then the two were on their way.

“What do you mean you can’t tell me?!” Baltazar almost started crying. The lady behind the counter couldn’t help but fidget while Baltazar got closer and closer up in her face.

“Bell... calm down. They can’t just give out the information like that.” Baltazar turned to look at Miza, “But, but. Then how will we...” “Excuse me, sirs?” Both turned to the lady, who was in charge of the orphanage register. “Like I said.” She began. “I can’t just give out addresses at random. And since you can’t prove that you’re related to this woman, then it doesn’t look good for your search...”

Baltazar’s face turned gloom. It was like all the color around him died out and became grey.

“But there might just be a way.”

Instantly, Baltazar’s face brightened up. The woman behind the counter turned in her seat and began pressing keys on her computer and click around with her mouse.

“You see... five years ago. A woman related to miss Ravenwood came to search for her as well. She left her business card. It’s all I can give you as of now.” She reached for a file and pulled out a small dull business card.

Baltazar took the card and thanked the lady profusely. Then he darted out the door with Miza dangling behind him.

“So... huff, huff what now?” Miza inquired. Baltazar stopped on a sidewalk and turned to Miza, “Hold out your hands. I need some inspiration.” Miza held out her hands and they both closed their eyes. After minute standing like that, earning the two weird looks from pedestrians they knew where to go.

Penelope power walked down the lane in centrum. She kept looking at her watch and walked faster and faster. She had done it so many times that even her stilettos gnawing at her heels wasn’t a bother anymore. Just slap on some patches and then she would be fine! Oh well, she also had to call Dina and wish her luck on her test and then there was that new apartment opening and then. Umpf!

Penelope, “watch were you’re going!” Staggering back from the impact Penelope surveyed the person in front of her. Messy, oversized coat, bleached hair, smudged glasses, and ... heterochromia? Without noticing Penelope had begun to sneer at the jaywalker. “Uh... I’m! I’m so sorry.” The man begun to bow up and down. So much that Penelope felt nauseous just looking at the other, she asked him or was it a her? To stop.

After the person stopped Penelope made her way to leave until her wrist was grabbed.

Big mistake.

Penelope had practiced martial arts since grade school. She was quite proud of her hand palm block and wrestled the attacker’s hand backwards. A pitiful scream was released and people around the two stared in disbelief. This attacker had to be a man. In Penelope’s opinion it was always men who gave the most ear-piercing scream.

While Baltazar’s soul was about to leave his body, a new guy appeared. “Wait, ms Ravenwood!” Penelope looked at the newcomer. With disdain she said, “Who are you and why do you know my name?” The new guy straightened his back and answered with a slight tremble, “Please, we uh, we wish to speak to you. About Dina.” With those words Penelope let Baltazar go.

“You’re Dina’s father’s acquaintance?” Penelope asked and sipped her free coffee, the two others had brought for her.

The attacker was named Baltazar and the other one, who Penelope had thought to be man, Miza. Both sat opposite from her inside a coffee shop.

The two nodded and Baltazar began, “Yeah, we got your business card at the register. We really didn’t want to bother you... or maybe, just bother you about Dina.” He shrugged helplessly.

Penelope sighed, “I see. Next time don’t jolt me like that. I nearly got a heart attack, you know!”

Both bowed their head to apologize.

“Well, never mind anymore.” She said to make them stop. “I just need to know if you have any proof of your relations. You must know I just can’t send any stranger over to my niece.”

Miza had an aha moment and rummaged around in her purse. “Is the person on the right familiar in any way?” She asked, while pointing to a picture of two people she pulled out of her purse.

Penelope’s face dropped.

She asked for the photo and studied it close.

“It really... is her. Marie...” Penelope said, caressing the picture with her free hand. Her eyes got glassy.

“I see. Only two copies exist of this one. That’s what Marie told me... very well then. Tell me what you want with Dina and then I’ll tell you we’re to find her. But i warn you!” She said, pointing with a stern finger. “If i hear you tried anything fishy, i’ll find some means to drag you two through Hell! If not Dina’s brothers does it first!”

Baltazar held up his hands and broke into a big happy but nervous smile, “We! just wanted her to know about her father and maybe get closure to questions she may have...”

Penelopepaused. then she smiled and then wrote down an address. “She lives with her adoptive brothers. Get along with them and then you’ll get along with Dina.”

The building in front of God and his seraph were quite foreboding. Vines crawled up the walls and held the building in a tight embrace. The leaves were so dense it was hard to know which color the house originally held.

Baltazar started to sweat. He strolled nervously up to the entrance and was about to knock when he heard incoming footsteps.

“I’ll be back later dolls, I just need to...” a young blondie opened the door and was met by Baltazar’s stupefied look. Miza straightened her uniform and looked directly at Dina.

Baltazar, “May you be... miss Dina Ravenwood?”

Dina closed the door somewhat and hid behind it to shield her. “That depends on... What business you two may have...”

Baltazar fretted And didn’t know what to say. His divine power revealed her identity, however he couldn’t just reveal his true form to her. She may be the daughter of a seraph but she shouldn’t get scared.

“Ah! I’m so sorry. Let me introduce me and my companion. I’m Baltazar Farver and this is Miza.” Miza bowed slightly to Dina, “How do you do.” She said.

Dina opened the door some more to look better at the two oddballs on front of her.

“We! Uh, we are acquainted with you dad and we wish to tell you about him and maybe get to know...you?” Dina’s eyes lit up, then she became more apprehensive.

“How do I know you’re telling the truth.” Baltazar looked at Miza in defeat. Miza took the hint and coughed slightly, “Miss Ravenwood. We only have this picture of your mother together with your father.” She gave Dina the picture. Dina’s blue eyes shone like small stars and she looked at the two more brightly.

“Thank you so much!!! Please, come in come in. I’ll be happy to know you! My brothers are not home yet but they’ll be home soon!” Miza and Baltazar breathed out in relief. They began to step into the small house.

An array of demonic aura appeared on the floor inside the hall the moment the two divine beings stepped inside. It forced God and the seraph to reveal their true selves. Baltazar looked at Miza in horror. The array and the sudden change in atmosphere revealed that they were no longer in the second realm. They had entered Hell, the third realm.

Baltazar had a look of horror spread out on his face. Slowly, he looked at Dina who had sprung back after the array had activated. It held Baltazar and Miza in an iron grip making the two unable to move.

Dina was frozen to the ground. She looked at the God and the angel for a long while. Unable to say anything.

Meanwhile, piles of questions weighed down on God’s mind. Why was a human child living in Hell? No, why i Strezia’s child living in Hell? Does her aunt know? Is she a prisoner to an evil demon? Will demons gather now that two from the first realm had appeared?

Baltazar’s train of thought stopped abruptly. He was let down along with Miza and the two looked with surprise at Dina. Dina stood still. And then she lifted a finger to her lips. She then gestured to the two to follow her.

Dina poured three cups of tea with an apologetic look. The two heavenly beings were astounded. Dina had been adopted by two demons who now acted as her guardians. She was apparently also dating another demon and was quite happy with her life.

“And that’s really it.” She finished, “Look, I don’t want to hurt you and I’ll be more than willing to hear about my father. I’ve always wondered what happened.”

Miza had on a face of grave seriousness, “Miss Dina. Our presence here... It might cause some... people. To find rather... what do you say? Complicated. We don’t wish to engage in any hostility with your brothers.”

Dina smiled with relief, “That’s good to hear. I’ll make sure you’ll get out of here safely. But please, meanwhile. Make yourself comfortable.” Baltazar quickly took her up on her words an munched on a cookie he had been offered. Miza shot him a menacing look and Baltazar realized he probably took it a little too well. being in Hell and all.

He sighed and smiled. He’d better get on with it, “You see your father-“

“WHATSUP SLUTS! BIG BRO’S BAAAA.....aaaack.” A boisterous woman kicked open the door to the living room. Her voice was as dark as a man’s. She stopped immediately when she saw the angel and the other divine who sat with Dina.

Everybody turned to look at the newcomer.

Sweat began to form on the lady’s forehead and she cleared her throat, “Haha, welcome dearies.” she had completely changed her tone to a more fairer one.

“Oh Dina, I didn’t know we would have guests. I would’ve dressed for the occasion.”

Dina abruptly stood up, “Ah! Sis! Eh, these two know about my dad!” The lady blinked, “Really?” Suddenly her demeanor changed and she slowly got over and sat beside Miza. “Well, if you have something to tell about Dina that I don’t know. Then I would like to hear as well. The names iklea.” She held up her hand for Baltazar to shake.

“Hello there, the names Baltazar.” Miza quickly shot Baltazar another look. And he retracted his hand. While giving the sister an apologetic look.

Wait. didn’t Dina only have brothers? Balthazar thought.

Iklea looked like she tried to hide her displeasure. Looking thoughtful she sat with crosses arms. “Well, anyways. Didn’t you want to talk about Dina’s dad?” She asked, quite annoyed.

Baltazar cleared his throat, “Yeah! uh, yeah. Sorry.” He then began to tell about Strezia.

“Your dad’s name was Strezia. She was one of the most creative seraphs in my court. Oh, I have a picture.” Baltazar procured a picture of a beautiful fair-skinned lady. Her body was totally covered in a white uniform, with dried paint on. Her hair was even longer than Dina’s and her eyes were piercing as if she was looking directly at the viewer. Her eyes were the same as Dina’s.

“Uhh. Mr, Baltazar?” Dina asked hesitantly. “Isn’t this a picture of a woman?”

Baltazar blinked, not once but twice before Miza shot him another glare. “Oh yeah, you father was actually a woman.”

Dina looked slightly surprised. She looked at Iklea then back at Baltazar. “My father? Was a woman? And an angel at that?” She was sounding rather sceptical. Balthazar didnt blame her. But the God did wonder. hadn’t she been living with demons!

Baltazar, “Well, its not hard to change gender when you’re an angel. Or a demon for that matter. And I know for a fact that Strezia loved to explore the nuances of existence.”

Iklea smiled and put an arm around Dina, “Reminds me of someone i know.” She winked. “Excluding the shapeshifting part.” The siblings grinned at each other.

Miza looked at the picture and sighed, “Strezia was like an elder sister to all of us.”

Balthazar looked fondly at thepicture too, “When she told me she had fallen in love with a human woman I tried to warn her.”

Dina, “Warn her? About what?”

Baltazar looked down, “Humans don’t live forever... I was afraid she would get hurt and then... Look, Strezia wasn’t aware that your mother was pregnant. If she knew...” Baltazar could feel tears forming. He quickly wiped them away.

Dina’s face was frozen, “Mr, Baltazar? Sorry I’m asking but... my father, you address him in past tense could it be that...”

Dina didn’t say anymore. Baltazar lip quivered. He tried to pull himself together. Miza put a hand on Baltazar’s back. Dina took Iklea’s hand and Iklea squeezed it back.

Shadows swept the halls of the Fabricated Castle. The light from the mosaic windows danced around and found a silhouette which appeared at the end of the stairs leading to the main hall.

Red eyes surveyed the foyer and the gaze went towards the living room.

Hearing unfamiliar voices the silhouette took on a more human appearance with a nice blazer and matching pants.

He opened the door and first saw his sister Dina and then Ikle, “I’m back.” He said, then stopped in the doorway. When the guy opposite of Dina turned around something deep inside of Rosell sank.

Voices. Voices which had been hidden away since he met Dina returned.

Kill. Kill. Revenge. Chance. Take it!

“Ross-!” Dina yelled and got up. Iklea, who really was Ikle, hurried to make Dina stop before she finished the name.

Rosell’s eyes were fixated on Baltazar.

The God he had spent centuries getting to. He now sat in his living room. Free from his court’s protection.

He had never been this close. So close yet...

Balthazar, “Hello, you must be Dina’s brother. I’m Dina’s father’s Uh... acquaintance.” The God got up from his seat, turned to Rosell and smiled.

The dread dissipated.

Rosell, “Dina’s?”

Rosell looked at Dina and Ikle who were about to burst.

He then took a looked at the seraph, who was also present in the room.

It seems like... there was some explaining to do.

Dina’s elder brother took off his coat. A small smile formed on rosell’s lips.

“Where are my manners. You can call me Ross.”

“Ross” held out a hand for God to sake. Baltazar returned the smile and shook the other man’s hand, “I’m Baltazar.”

Ross, “I know.”

Baltazar felt dread roll down his body.

Rosell, “You hurt me, my lord. I may be a common demon. as you might have guessed from the array at the entrance. Currently disguised as a human for Dina’s sake. But I know my way in this world. And the people one has to know about” He looked directly through Baltazar.

“Surely, you must have been aware that this is Hell when you arrived, right.”

Baltazar nodded. Unable to say much more.

Ross let go of Baltazar’s hand, “Now, tell me. What have I been missing?”

Ross, “I see, that explains a lot.”

Dina, “It does?”

Ross, “It explains why you got the eyes of God.”

Baltazar almost spilled his tea, “She’s got my eyes???” This statement prompted a facepalm from Miza.

Rosell shook his head, “Not yours per see. More like, what priestess in the old world prayed to be able to see through you. To see things that normal people wouldn’t.”

Miza took a sip from a teacup. “You mean she can see magic beings?”

Rosell scoffed, “No, not at all. She still believes my tail is some weird furry statement i have going. Dina turned to Ross, “Ross please!” She then turned to the divine pair and confirmed, “I’ve always been able to, since I was small.”

Miza sighed and tried not to show her disdain for the demon, “That must’ve been difficult. Your peers must have found you rather peculiar. We are terribly sorry we did not know of your existence earlier. We should’ve been able to help you.” SHe glanced at “Iklea” and “Ross”, “Much earlier.”

Ross glared at the seraph who gladly returned the gesture. It was so intense that Miza could only try to drink from an empty cup and act like she didn’t notice the cup was empty.

Dina, “Not at all! My childhood was... but then I met Ross and Iklea. Since then.. I’ve been rather content. I even decided when my business in the human world is finished. I’d actually like to stay permanently here with my boyfriend... if he still likes me in the future that is.”

Iklea broke into laughter, “HAH! He better. ‘Else I know of a few heartbreaking words to tell him.”

Nobody in the room liked the obvious wink Iklea sent towards the group.

“But back to my dad....” Dina tried.

Baltazar’s face dropped, “Yeah! Right!”

“As I said, Strezia fell in love with a woman named Marie Ravenwood. She stayed together with Marie for some human years until one day... She came home. Locked herself in her room and didn’t show her face for quite some time... Miza.” Balthazar gestured to the seraph, “Found out that ms. Ravenwood had cut ties to her. And then thirteen years ago... you mother. You probably know know what happened.”

Dina gulped and looked down. Ross sat beside her and watched her every move.

Dina’s mother had died giving birth to her. Her mother had cut all ties to her family because of improper conduct. She would rather give Dina up for adoption than let her parents know of her daughter’s existence. As Dina had been told by her aunt.

“I felt it when you mother died.” Balthazar continued when DIna confirmed she knew.

“Her connection to Strezia made all of Strezia’s closest feel it too. I knew something would happen so I... I forced myself into Strezia’s room. But she was gone. A few days later. Strezia’s light disappeared from this existence...” Dina felt cold.

“Nobody knew what had happened to her as she had thrown away her halo.”

Dina sat frozen. Her shoulders trembled. Dina got up and went out the door. Ross got up too and followed after her. Balthazar could only stare as he was at a loss at what to do. It had been twentyfive years ago and he still remembered the day as if it was today it had happened.

Iklea sighed, “Don’t worry, she... just have to swallow it. They’ll be back. After she gets it out.”

Baltazar felt her pain. A girl who had never met her parents.. and for both of them to wind up dead. Truly sad.

Baltazar closed his eyes. His empathy gave birth to an inkling of inspiration. He used it to see where the two had gone. ‘

A gentle hand calmly patted a young weeping maiden while rocking her back and forth. A good man consoling his little sister. Whispering reassuring words to her.

After a while Iklea went too and the three of them soon got back.

Baltazar got up from his seat, “I’m sorry that you and Strezia never got to meet. But I’m happy nonetheless to finally being able to meet you. I-“ “Wait a moment.” Ross said.

Baltazar stopped.

Ross, “I think I know what happened to Strezia.”

Miza got up instantly.

“You do??? What happened? What do you mean?”

Baltazar looked hopeful at Ross. However, Strezia’s soul had moved on. She wouldnt turn up alive, even if balthazar wanted it. Still, Baltazar wanted closure so he prompted Ross to tell what he knew.

“Some time back. An angel went on a rampage throughout some shopping districts in Hell’s capital. Many high demons came to stop her but her attacks were relentless. She didn’t even try to protect herself. Charging head on.”

They all listened attentively. Nobody were sitting anymore, holding their breaths.

Ross, “She stirred up such a huge incident that the Devil himself showed up.”

Baltazar felt stiffened. He always got trembling fits every time the Devil was mentioned. he tried to gulp down the unease.

“He tried to subdue her.” Ross continued. “But when he went for the killing strike she suddenly threw her sword and met the attack with open arms. He refused her the kill and stopped immediately. But, something in her eyes drove her to steal away his sword, Redwoo, and then she... ended it herself.”

The atmosphere which surrounded the room lay heavily on the people inside.

Baltazar felt weak and wanted to scream and cry. He blamed himself. His inefficiency. He was supposed to be God but he couldn’t even help one who had been so close to him.

The loss of Marie was so big that Strezia didn’t even want to be in a world where Marie wasn’t there. A tragedy befitting of such a beautiful love. If this had been a tragedy.

Baltazar flinched when he felt a hand on his shoulder. He lifted his head to see Dina with tears in her eyes. “Thank you for coming today.” Her voice was weak and trembling. She fought hard to keep the tears at bay. Baltazar only felt worse when he saw her. He then embraced the girl. And thanked her too. Holding back tears.

She never knew them. But she wished she had. Still, she couldn’t help but feel sad for two people who had loved each other and tried to protect each other. Angels’ life span far surpasses that of a human. With a baby on the way, Miza concluded it must’ve been because Marie wanted to spare Strezia the heartbreak of outliving her child and wife. Nobody knew for sure.

“Thanks for having us!” Baltazar beamed. He stood outside of Ross, Iklea and Dina’s house. Miza and him were preparing to go back.

“I’m so happy I came to meet you Dina! And your nice elder siblings of course. Even though I thought that you had two brother to start with... but well, it’s really been fun! Though, maybe a tad bit sad.” Iklea stood and supressed a laugh. Ross only elbowed her.

Baltazar clasped Dina’s hands, “I might be God and have business other places but I would really like it if we kept in contact with each other! You’re really bright and I’m sure Strezia would’ve been so proud of you. So I hope that I can come and visit again. You know, to tell you more and stuff!”

With a returned beaming smile Dina answered, “Yes of course! I really want to know more as well. And you’re really interesting my lord. Even Ross and Ikle- I mean Iklea liked you. And I’m sure they don’t mind.” Dina looked back at her siblings they both nodded in agreement.

“I’m just... I’m just sad that my dad didn’t know about me...” Baltazar patted Dina’s head, “Yeah, it could’ve been different.”

Dina shook her head, “It could’ve. However, I’m happy as is.” She then turned to look at her siblings. Baltazar was truly happy for her.

Miza and Baltazar then said goodbye and disappeared towards the first realm.

“I’m sorry Rosell.” Dina said sheepishly. “I didn’t realize he was God until later...”

“It’s ok. I’m glad you made him stay.”

“You... are?”

“Yeah.”

#original content #writing #God and Devil #World of Alurre #Romance #Fantasy #otherworldly #lgbt #lgbtq community

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