#and now its been a month and i am nowhere near done

[capriclonus]

Time to bang my head against a wall and hope words fall out of it 😂

#no idea why this is so difficult lately #difficult difficult lemon difficult #ao3 capriclonus #ps. i wont actually hit my head against a wall #i wanted to have the princess au finished in a month and ive written.........one and half of the 13 scenes i have planned #ITS ALL PLANNED AND PLOTTED DAMMIT #and now its been a month and i am nowhere near done

[beefrobeefcal]

Beefro Proudly Presents:

a Joel Miller & his Darlin' One Shot: A Trouble Shared is a Trouble Halved Summary: You and Joel navigate settling down in Jackson as a couple with its ups and downs. (Post Outbreak)

Pairing: Joel Miller x F!Reader | Rating: Explicit 18+ (MDNI) | Word Count: 3,900

Content Warning: Smutty smutty smut smut, fingering (f receiving), talk of eating, weight gain, oral (f receiving), angst, established relationship growing pains, argument

Author's Notes: Am I back? Maybe baby! I'm delighted to finally do what was asked of me in a poll and I thank you all for your love and patience.

Thanks be to @neverwheremoonchild, @strang3lov3, and @notjustjavierpena for their eyes, thots, and brains. And thank you to @noxturnalpascal for the THOT that gave life to this fic so very long ago.

“Eatin’ like it's your last day on earth, Miller...”, you teased with a wry smile as you walked past him in the dining hall.

“Shut it...”, he grumbled, a bit of pink flushing his cheeks. He took another bite of gravy-flooded mashed potatoes.

“What helping’s this? Third? Fourth?”

Joel looked at you, exasperated. “The fuck? Can't a man enjoy his girl’s cookin’ without the third degree?”

You smiled at him, loving how much of a rise you were getting. It had been a few months since you and Joel had your first encounter, and while nothing was made official, more often than not, you’d find yourself entwined with Joel in your bed at night. His heavy, full stomach pressed against your back as you both slept peacefully. While you enjoyed your time together, you were beginning to feel something was lacking, hence your teasing.

The cold glare he gave immediately dampened the playful banter between you. You felt a twist in your mood and sour heat in your stomach.

He shook his turkey leg at you, giving you a scolding look, and warned, “You better knock that shit off, Darlin’... or so help me, I’m not gonna - .”

“Not gonna what?”, you asked, getting closer, and you voice dropped down to a cool whisper only he could hear. “Not gonna fuck me? Pretty sure haven’t been doing that lately anyway, so what’d be the difference, huh?”

He sat back with wide eyes and his mouth open in shock, and his full belly sat rounded out on his lap. You stood up, brow raised, and arms crossed.

“The fuck’s that supposed to mean?!”

Joel was affectionate, but usually too tired, full or both to do anything but let you ride him. And not to say you didn't enjoy it, but it was starting to feel a bit one sided. He hadn’t done anything beyond finger you a bit to get you ready and then sweet talk you into being on top again. He’d apologize and praise you, but you wanted more. Especially now that there was more to him.

His eating habits had really started to impact his physique; his jawline was softer, his arms and thighs were thicker, but his stomach was truly the star of the show. He’d made do with the clothes he had for as long as he could, but at the rate he was eating and the limited physical activity he’d been doing, he had to trade labor and time for new shirts and pants that would fit him. And on nights when he ate like this, you swore you could hear the seams praying to their polyester gods for mercy.

“You know exactly what I mean.”

“Coulda fooled me!”, he snapped, louder than he meant. “Seems to do the trick and make you whine and mewl like a beaten dog almost every night!”

You felt your face get hot as a few heads in the dining hall turned towards you. He sighed and his eyes softened as he saw your face fall a bit. But you held firm, pulling your mouth into a scowl.

“Not every night, nowhere near it. And I’m the one doing the work. I’m the one fuckin’ you!”, you hissed.

Before giving him a chance to say anything else, you quickly turned and went back into the kitchen.

*****

After storming out of the dining hall, you’d spent the rest of your shift cleaning the entire kitchen, probably to a degree it hadn’t been since its installation. You’d scrubbed and polished every surface with enough fury in your eyes that no one dared step in. It wasn’t until you heard the jukebox turn off and see the lights in the dining hall dim that you realized you’d been at this for a few hours.

As you leaned back against the counter, head down and thinking over how your and Joel’s interaction had escalated like that, you heard a small voice say your name. You looked up and saw Sally, one of the other kitchen attendants.

“Sorry - don’t mean to interrupt, but I’m tryin’ to close up and Joel won’t leave. Says he’s not leavin’ without’cha.”

You scoffed out a ‘for fuck’s sake’ then walked to the swinging doors, only to see Joel, still seated where he was before, leaning back in his chair and picking his teeth with a toothpick. His eyes met yours, and you knew just from the look he was giving, he had a lot more to say.

“Joel, go home. Need to close up and can’t if you’re here.”

He looked behind you at Sally and gave her a small wave. “I’ll help her close up, Sally. You run on home. We got this.”

“Joel!”, you hissed.

“Go on now, Sally.”

His tone left little room for Sally to argue, and she muttered a ‘good night’ as she passed by you then Joel as head made her way out the door.  You sighed, clenching your jaw, feeling the frustration and anger that you’d just weeded down in your cleaning frenzy begin to rise again. Joel watched Sally leave, then turned back to you, smug look on his face, made all the smugger as he noted your irritation.

“Darlin’, cut that shit out and come’ere.”, he crooned with a small grin, hilding his hand out to you.

You glared at him, not moving from your position.

He kept his hand out and raised his eyebrows and let out a huff. “Don’t make this old man beg, baby…”

“I think this old man has a lot more ground to cover than just beggin’.”, you responded cooly, crossing your arms across your chest. Before Joel could answer, you turned and went back to the kitchen to finish your duties.

You figured there was a 50 / 50 chance of Joel following you in, so as the door swung open and his heavy footsteps lumbered towards you, you knew he was at least picking up slightly on the passive aggressive breadcrumbs you’d dropped. You kept your back to him, drying cutlery and putting them into their respective bins.

“Darlin’…”

Joel’s voice was set low in a growl, leaving you unable to tell whether he was angry or aroused. You jumped as his hand grazed your lower back and settled on your waist, giving you a small squeeze.

“You wan’me to beg?”, he huskily growled into the back of your neck as he pressed a kiss to your skin.

“I gotta finish closin’ up, Joel.”, you stated, keeping your voice as even and unaffected as you could muster.

Joel let out a frustrated sigh-turned-grunt and let you go, stepping back. He leaned back against the wooden shelf behind him, the wood creaking in objection to his weight.

“Fuck, you’re being-“, he started, before letting out a huff. “What has gotten into you?”

Turning around, you were met with something you didn’t anticipate – a dark, sullen, glaring Joel, eyes burning into you.

“Joel-“, you groaned, before he cut you off.

“Don’t fuckin’ Joel me.”, he snapped. “You got a lot of fuckin’ nerve. You know what you said in front of the people eatin’ their food out there? You said I wasn’t fuckin’ you right. And then, I sit here like a goddamned fool, waitin’ for you to finish so we can talk, and you turn your back on me.”

“Joel, I need t-“

“Shut up! I ain’t done talkin’!”

You close your mouth and swallow hard. While you’d seen him get mad before, Joel had never directed it towards you before, and lord almighty, it sucked.

“You think I’m a fuckin’ mind reader? Think I’m gonna know you’re not happy?”, he asked, sounding loud and desperate, as he stood up and stalked towards you.

As he looked down at you, realization of how much bigger he was, in height and weight, came over you.

“I have said someth-“, you tried to argue, but his large hand grabbing yours and tugging you against him stopped you.

“Don’t interrupt me!”, he barked. “You aint said shit! And now you – fuck! No. You know what? Ain’t worth it!”

His eyes glowered down into yours and you in turn felt your eyes begin to sting with tears at the loss of contact. This was the most emotionally charged you’d seen Joel, and you wanted that same energy and passion when he fucked you, not use it to berate you for needing him to give you the same time and attention he showered on the food you cooked for the whole community. You could feel your face getting hot from the anger that was boiling in you over how overlooked you felt, even if it wasn’t entirely true. You were in a heated, frenzied spiral and reason and rationale had abandoned you.

Before you could snap back and tell him how worth it you actually were, Joel’s eyes softened; he let out a deep breath and let go of your arm and stepped back.

“I’ll… I’ll see you at home.”, Joel muttered before he turned and walked out of the kitchen.

You stood silently and watched him leave, feeling your heart break and immolate in your rib cage and hot tears fall down your face. It hit you hard just how hurt you both were.

*****

The house was dark when you walked in the front door. Joel had left no lights on, and you knew Ellie would be at Dina’s house for the night. The only hint you had to deduce that Joel was in fact home was the dim light you saw through his bedroom window as you approached the house. You hung your coat and tucked your boots on the shelf before quietly ascending the stairs to go to your room.

As you tiptoed in the hallways, you passed Joel’s bedroom door and heard him moving around his room. You could see his shadow from the light slipping under his doorway and felt your stomach curdle and sour, your mind jumping to rash conclusions about what he could be doing in there.

Was he packing to move out and get away from you?

Was he trying to clean up to remove your smell?

Was he collecting your things that you’d left in his room so he could hand them to you and tell you to get out?

As the thoughts rippled through your brain, you knew Joel was more methodical than that. He wouldn’t just leave or make you leave like that… would he?

You stepped forward, forgetting about that floorboard. The creak that sang out made both you and Joel’s shadow stop. You kept still for a moment, but the shadow didn’t move either. You were suddenly thrust back into your childhood; the times you were trying to sneak down into the kitchen to grab a snack or watch a blue movie on cable television without your parents catching you.

That fucking floorboard.

The shadow moved slightly, signaling Joel was getting closer to the door, and you moved quickly to your room, no longer caring how much noise you made. As you reached to grab your door handle, you heard Joel’s door pull open.

“Darlin’?”

Your hand clasped the knob, and you closed your eyes, hearing his voice.

“Yeah, Joel?”

You were surprised how soft and calm your voice sounded; it was a stark contrast to the overwhelming, post-anger, anxiety-ridden mess that was your mind.

“Turn around and look at me, Baby.”

“M’tired, Joel… Just gonna go to bed and – “

“I said turn around.”

It wasn’t a request. His tone was gentle, but you could feel it in your bones that this was a command - a soft one, but a command none the less. Your skin prickled in a wave of goosebumps, up your body, culminating at the base of your neck.

Joel must have been able to see the effect he had on you, because the voice he used to speak almost melted the flesh from your bones.

“Darlin’, you’re gonna turn around and look at me. Now.”

You turned around and looked at him. His broad and hefty silhouette stood ominously in his doorway, backlit by the soft glow from his bedroom.

“You comin’ to bed?”, Joel said quietly, but there was an edge to his tone that made your skin once again pebble.

You narrowed your eyes and tilted your head at his question, then shook your head subtly.

“No, Joel. I figured we’d take the night an-“

“And what?”, he snapped, stepping out into the hallway and towards you.

When you didn’t answer, he took another few steps and growled in a lower tone, “And what?!”

Your eyes went wide as he got closer, and your fight or flight kicked in. Taking a step back, you hit your bedroom door, and stumbled through your words. “I… I-I thought… I figured that you’d wanna-“

“That I’d wanna what?”, he snarled, stepping close and his full belly pressed you further into your door.

“Th-that you’d… you’d wanna be… alone to-tonight…”

Joel’s hand came up and he grabbed your chin, forcing your face square to his. “And why d’you think that?”

“Because… because we fought-“

“And you think that gives you the right to not sleep in my bed?”

You were stunned; you had no answer for him, and you also hadn’t ever been this turned on by him with out him already being knuckle deep in your pussy. You swallowed hard and stared back at him. This was a feeling you couldn’t place; it felt like you were slipping under a spell that Joel was casting.

The only response you could finally give was a headshake, and Joel returned it with a curt nod and slight grin.

“Good girl.”, he purred and released your chin.

You followed Joel back into his room, and stood awkwardly as he closed the door. You’d been in his room countless times, and you’d never felt this out of place. You jumped when he put his hands on your hips from behind and pulled you back, the curve of your spine being the perfect angle for his heavy belly to fit against.

“You feel like I’m not takin’ care of you, Darlin’?”, he huskily mewled into your ear before nipping it.

“Joel, I’m sor-“

“Stop.”, he said, abruptly stopping you from finishing your apology.

“We’re past that, Darlin’. Both said things we needed to say, even if we said’em not so nicely.”

You could hear the small smile in his voice and couldn’t help the one that tugged at your mouth slightly. A whisper soft sound came out of you with a sigh. 

But then his tone dipped down, and as he rasped into your ear; one of his hands on your hip slipped to your front as he cupped your denim clad mound.

“You got my attention, baby. You feelin’ needy?”

Your mouth opened, and our flew a feather-light choked whimper. He gripped you roughly and pulled you snug against him, enough so that you could feel his thick and hard cock press against your ass.

“That why you had an attitude with me today? Needed me to fuck you? Fix that ache in your needy pussy?”

You breathed his name out as your brows furrowed and your eyes clenches closed. “Joel…” Your hand snapped on top of his over your crotch, forcing him to apply more pressure and squeeze.

“Need me to remind you that you’re mine?”, he growled before biting the crux of your neck and shoulder.

You nodded, breathing rapidly, then you let out a squeal as he shook your hand off his, then turned and shoved you against the wall. He got close and his hands made quick work in opening and shoving down your jeans. His eyes snapped up to yours and his hand dove between your legs.

“Fuck, baby…”, he sighed, eyes rolling back as he felt how wet you were. “My poor girl’s floodin’ the basement and it’s’all my fault.”

You grabbed his wrist, stabilizing yourself, and let whining pants out with each breath as his middle finger began to dip in an out of your hole. The tip of his thumb gently circled you’re aching clit.

“Yeah… I know I been neglectin’ you, baby girl… but not ‘cause of nothin’ you did… no, baby… you’re just keepin’ me too well fed and I’m fit to be tied by the time we get home… if I could fuck you the way you deserve every night…”

“Oh fuck… Joel, I need y –“

“But you always lettin’ me get away with being lazy an’watchin’ your perfect tits bounce while you fuck this fat old man…”, he rasped, his lids heavy as he watched your face contort in need. “Jesus, Darlin’, you got e’ry right to be cross with me…”

As much as you loved his voice, you needed more. Fisting his shirt, you pulled his face to yours and sucked him into a desperate and messy kiss, teeth and tongues colliding, and it was sharp and splitting. You didn’t need gentle – you needed him.

He finally pulled back, breathing heavily, same as you, and a grin tugged at his parted lips.

“Oh, Darlin’…”, he cooed, finger and thumb still working your cunt in tandem. He leaned in, ghosting his mouth over yours and asked in a voice so soft, you could have cried. “I need you to know how bad you got me, baby… tell me what I can do to prove it.”

Emboldened by his lust-blown eyes with heavy lids looking at you desperately, you put your hand on his shoulder and gave him a gentle push down. A smile pulled at one side of his mouth, instantly understanding your silent request. He stepped back and groaned as he lowered himself down, joints cracking as he got on one knee, and he looked up as he pulled your jeans down further then helped you step out, one leg at a time. As he de-robed your second leg, he lifted it over his shoulder, and he scooted forward, and your eyes stayed trained on him, catching every detail, every twitch of his face as he breathed huskily and inhaled your scent. You watched his eyes flutter and roll back, like you were a buffet of fine cuisine, and he was a starved man. He pressed his nose in your crux and nudged in further, panting and swearing under his breath as he let your aroma and essence envelope him.

He took his time, as if he was making sure to catch every flavour, every note of your taste and smell, almost punishing himself for allowing you to feel unappreciated. His hands reached behind and pulled your hips forward into his face and you whimpered out a gasp as your shoulders planted against the wall behind you being the only thing keeping you upright.

“Joel…”, you breathed out, swallowing, trying to alleviate the dry mouth your open mouth breathing had caused. “Joel, please…”

He groaned into your warmth and opened his mouth, finally letting himself have a taste. His tongue licked out between your folds, starting slowly, but began to increase in intensity as he realized this was his favourite thing to savour. He grunted and panted as he lapped at you, his grip that held you so firmly to his face hurting you in the absolute best way possible.

Your fingers pulled his hair, aiding in keeping your core tightly affixed to his gaping maw, and you rocked your hip, mewling and crying out, begging him for more. Joel was in no position to deny you want you needed, not only because of the iron-clad connection currently created by both of your individual efforts, but he was eating his favourite thing. He’d denied you both for so long, he would happily suffocate between your thighs before ever taking a proper breath again if it paid the price of his sin. The noises he made as he ate and licked and devoured you sounded obscene - he sounded like a starved and feral dog, gnawing at a cut of meat tossed to him out of pity. You’re sure that if you saw his eyes, they’d be a black abyss like a shark’s as it bit down on its next meal.

The sounds he was ripping and peeling out of you were music to his ears, championing him further, pushing him harder to make you give him more of those delicious noises. He was rocking his hips in time with his mouth and tongue, letting his throbbing cock rut against the inside of his jean’s rough zipper. Between that, your taste and your fingers pulling his scalp taught with hair, he was in pure ecstasy.

He brought his hand attached to the shoulder your leg was propped up on and pushed two thick fingers into your core and began to pump them in and out - again, in time with his own hips’ rhythm. The white-hot burning coil that Joel had been slowly winding with his mouth finally sprung loose and snapped. You arched your back, silently screaming out as your body went rigid, and vaguely heard Joel growl. He continued to suck hard on your twitching and swollen clit and punched his fingers up into you as your rode out your orgasm. You heard liquid hitting the wood floor before you heard Joel let out a series of high-pitched groans.

His fingers slowed and his mouth was panting hot, quick breaths on your aching core. You looked down at him, chest heaving, to see him shakily pull his fingers from you and shove them in his mouth. Joel was a beautiful and carnal sight: breathing hard in grunts as he sucked his fingers clean. The act looked primitive, like he’d accessed his baser instincts, and he was satisfying a basic human need, a millennia in the making.

“Joel.”, you croaked, and he looked up at you with blurred eyes that slowly began to focus. He slowly pulled himself up, heaving his heavy belly. You helped him come back to his fully height and he leaned into you, pressing his forehead to yours. You could smell yourself on him as he kissed you softly before resuming your connection through foreheads.

“That was…”

“Yeah… fuck yeah… taste so good.”

“I wanna return the fav-“

Your hand cupped what you thought would be his hard cock, but stopped when you felt him softening and his jeans were warm and damp. You pulled your head back and looked at him, prompting a huffed laugh from Joel, pink flushing up his neck to his cheeks.

“You’re my favourite meal, Darlin’. You got me hooked.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah, baby.”

He pulled you away from the wall and onto the bed. He laid back and groaned as his spine relaxed. His full belly domed above him, moving gently up and down with each breath and you sat up, giving it a rub.

“You ate well tonight…”, you cooed, unbuckling his belt and opening his jean to access the mess he made.

He chuckled, supporting his head on an arm as he watched you with a grin. “Couldn’t help it… you serve food too good to not destroy myself on it, Darlin’.”

You shot him a look as you peeled back his damp and sticky underwear.

“Like I said, Darlin’…  you serve up a good meal.”

beef's glossary: The term "blue movie" is an old-fashioned slang term used to describe pornographic films, usually of the low budget variety.

TAGLIST: @theywhowriteandknowthings @harryleatherfit @toxicanonymity @harriedandharassed @neverwheremoonchild @rebel-held @beee-haw @nevergoingbacknowshine @idolatrybarbie @v4vayha @lalocitos @xdaddysprincessxx @deathsholywaterr @heareball @lyssramscal @wintrwinchestr @nerdieforpedro  @southernbe @starkeydaviss @noxturnalpascal @not-a-unique-snowflake-blog@vabeachazn @clawdee @iamasaddie @tightjeansjavi@rubyfruitjungle@lilmizmoz @strang3lov3

#pedro pascal #pedro pascal characters #pedro pascal fanfiction #chubby!joel miller #chubby!joel #joel miller x you #joel miller smut #joel miller fanfiction #joel miller x reader #chubby joe #chubby pedro rights !!! #chubby pedro pascal #fat belly #pedro pascal tummy nation #beefro's bistro #beefro is sweating #you asked beefro answered #🥩

[reidfucker]

mitski songs that make me think of reid + a specific lyric

spencer reid is very mitski. but these were the first to come to mind. i do not take criticism.

- working for the knife

honestly, the entire song reminds me of reid, but this in particular:

I always thought the choice was mine

And I was right, but I just chose wrong

I start the day lying and end with the truth

That I'm dying for the knife

- liquid smooth

I'm liquid smooth, come touch me, too

I'm at my highest peak, I'm ripe

About to fall

How I feel this river rushing through my veins

With nowhere else to go, it circles 'round

- class of 2013

Mom, would you wash my back?

This once, and then we can forget

And I'll leave what I'm chasing

For the other girls to pursue

Mom, am I still young?

Can I dream for a few months more?

- i don't smoke

Just don't leave me alone

Wondering where you are

I am stronger than you give me

Credit for

If your hands need to break

More than trinkets in your room

You can lean on my arm

As you break my heart

- abbey

again, the entire song is very reid, but:

I am something

I have been something

I was born something

What could I be?

There is a light that I can see

But only, it seems, when there's darkness in me

There is a dream that I sometimes see

That only appears in the dark of sleep

- i bet on losing dogs

Will you let me, baby, lose

On losing dogs

I know they're losing and I'll pay for my place

By the ring

Where I'll be looking in their eyes when they're down

I wanna feel it

I bet on losing dogs

I always want you when I'm finally fine

- the deal

Then of course, nothing replied, nothing speaks to you in the night

And I walked my way home, there was no one in sight

Save a bird perched upon a streetlight, watchin' me

So, I stopped and let it watch 'til I found that it said

"Now I'm taken, the night has me

You won't hear me singin'

You're a cage without me

Your pain is eased, but you'll never be free for

Now I'm taken, the night has me"

- fireworks

this is perhaps one of the reid-est. here's the particular lyric:

One morning this sadness will fossilize

And I will forget how to cry

I'll keep going to work and you won't see a change

Save perhaps a slight gray in my eye

I will go jogging routinely

Calmly and rhythmically run

And when I find that a knife's sticking out of my side

I'll pull it out without questioning why

- i don't like my mind

again, the entire song is reid, but this is my pick:

I don't like my mind, I don't like being left alone in a room

With all its opinions about the things that I've done

So, yeah, I blast music loud, and I work myself to the bone

And on an inconvenient Christmas, I eat a cake

- first love / late spring

very cliché, but i HAD to include it! here:

And I was so young when I behaved 25

Yet now, I find I've grown into a tall child

And I don't wanna go home

Let me walk to the top of the big night sky

- there's nothing left for you

You could touch fire

You could fly

It was your right

It was your life

And then it passed

To someone new

It'll keep passin' on

Long after you

- nobody

And I don't want your pity

I just want somebody near me

Guess I'm a coward

I just want to feel alright

- because dreaming costs money, my dear

I once lived in the sea

Bring me to your ear, you can hear

The tide where I used to be

Though now I'm but a shell

- a pearl

Sorry, I don't want your touch

It's not that I don't want you

Sorry, I can't take your touch

It's just that I fell in love with a war

Nobody told me it ended

And it left a pearl in my head

And I roll it around every night

Just to watch it glow

Every night, baby, that's where I go

- real men

Real men keep cool in the face of a fire

Go down with the ship

And real men don't eat

'Cause they're above that, damn it

Oh, I'm gonna be a real man

- crack baby

It's been a long, hard 20 year summer vacation

Both these 20 years tryna fill the void

Crack baby, you don't know what you want

But you know that you had it once

And you know that you want it back

Crack baby, you don't know what you want

But you know that you're needing it

And you know that you need it bad

#spencer reid #criminal minds #spencer reid x reader #mitski #mitski lyrics #reidfucker

[infiniteko]

hello!

i have been following your instagram since the beginning of 2023. at first, i barely understood anything. ego made up its own ideas, did not know the terminology’s, nor read from any respected gurus. this changed back in summer, as i began reading from many gurus. i took notes, then everything started to piece together. i saw how there was no method to materialize, how nothing could be true but “i am”. it was truly a marvelous experience. i feel as if non-dualism has done more for the egos well being, than any other entity. thank you so much for your continuous explanations to people’s questions, and just posting daily reminders. i look forward to your posts both on here, and on instagram!

that being said, i do have a question but i fear it is from the ego. i am unsure if when in the act of deciding, if it was through ego or self, however it was decided many times that i would observe a new ego, with a whole different life. i understand this life is an illusion of Maya. it has never really existed, yet it is being observed through Brahmin. This has been a repeated cycle for a couple months now. Deciding to wake up as a different ego, and if not happening. There is nothing Atman could do wrong. which leads me to wonder why i am still observing the old ego? this is also the ego speaking, however observing anything else, or materializing is very simple. it is instantaneous. but this one thing is just like a fish that doesn’t swim. ego’s actions, nor thoughts don’t matter since they are unreal and observed- but then why the incompetence of one materialization? ego has been pondering this, but it goes way with the response of “neti, neti.” i would greatly appreciate your feedback, thank you for all you do.

tashi!🕉️

i've always liked "neti, neti" = "not this, not that" or མེད་རང་རྟག་མེད (med rang rtag med) in tibetan because no matter what descriptions you read of your "SELF", it is nowhere near the actual Truth. If I say you're "awareness" , it is not true, your beyond that label. You're not this "awareness", you're not that "Self". You're nothing but also something; no-thing but even then, "you" can never ever be described in words.

Have you noticed that you jump between "this vs that" all the time? You say you "know" this is all Brahman but then you ask about the ego and why xyz isn't happening the way you want to. Then, you say you know you're not this, not that. You're contradicting yourself, it's a very easy trap!😄

"Ego" is only what you THINK you are. Fundamentally on a deeper level it has no existence of its own, no real reality. It is just a collection of thoughts. Thoughts are nothing, meaningless. What you call the "ego" is nothing.

If you forgot EVERYTHING you ever knew and lost all 5 senses, wouldn't you still have an effortless sense of existening?

You said: "this one thing is like a fish that doesn't swim", what made you come to this conclusion? Isn't All "THAT"? Where does the destinction between "hard" and "easy" come from? Aren't you imagining the concepts of hard vs. easy?

"Deciding to wake up as a different ego" How do you expect to wake up as something that fundamentally does not exist? Would it make sense to you if the ocean wished to wake up as a wave? Does a wave truly exist on its own or is it an illusory form the ocean takes on? What are both made of?💧

It sounds confusing because there is no other way to put it other than into limiting words but please read carefully 🙏🏻:

You think you are a physical person trying to get something physical. But for "THAT", all is "THAT". All is instantly "THAT" because "THAT" is all there is to begin with. Do you need any effort to be aware of the words you're reading right now or is it simply happening without anything to do? I'm NOT talking about understanding these words, i'm only talking about being aware of these words before anything else.

So it is with everything else. What you are "aware" of, Is. EVERY other interpretation is illusory. In order for you to come up with an interpretation, you must think imaginary thoughts first. Without thinking, is there anything to say against what you are aware of or is it simply happening now?

#advaita vedanta #awareness #brahman #atman #nondualism

[minho-hoho]

Yandere!ENHYPEN's reaction to their S/O slapping them

genre... yandere! pairing... yandere!enhypen x gn!reader! warning... cursing, yandere themes and behaviour, violence, small caps intended etc...! wc...1.7k! note... yall, no month has ever been so hectic im so sorry, like ive been trying to deal with my feelings (not abt tumblr, for the first time ever im starting to like someone sooo) and i got sick (again, yes im sick every two weeks) bedridden, and still am but its okay. just idk now expect more fluff since im more in a lovey stage bc of that little someone :>!

MASTERLIST

이 희승 Lee Heeseung

it all started after a heated argument about you not being able to go out with some of your friends

you were starting to get really annoyed and angry at your boyfriend's over-the-counter possessiveness and protectiveness

you just wanted to go outside and enjoy yourself, without him for once

it was basically a yelling match and you were starting to get seriously frustrated by the situation

suddenly, you felt your body move by itself

and in a fit of rage, your hand flew to Heeseung's face

it didn't hit you immediately, you were so enraged you didn't notice the shock and disbelief on Heeseung's face

you were breathing heavily and tried to calm yourself down. to you, the world had stopped for minute, you clearly weren't aware of your surroundings

but Heeseung made sure to snap you back to reality with his livid voice

“what the fuck did you just do?”

“what? it's nowhere near as bad as anything you've done to me anyways” you retorted, still on your high

he threw a death glare your way, that you didn't even notice

“i think that someone here” he came closer to you and looked down at you “needs to be taught a lesson”

and just like that, you were dragged to a dreaded place, still seeing red

박 제이 Park Jay

to be honest, you didn't how did you get so far in an argument

you should have already been locked up, but yet you weren't, you were here, screaming your lungs out, tears rolling down your cheeks, trying to put some sense into your psychotic “boyfriend”

at this point, you couldn't even remember what you were originally arguing about, you were basically buying time before getting locked up

but the more you argued, the madder you got

you wanted Jay to get a taste of his own medicine so bad, even if it was just a little, even if the consequences could be almost deadly

you wanted to hit on his ego, to feel even tiny bit embarrassed to be treated in such a way

you were quite weak, but you took all the remaining strength in your body and gave him the biggest slap

the sound of your hand on his face resonated through the whole house, and what you felt like pmmthe whole universe

it felt good, but you now knew, that there was no buying time anymore

you were doomed, and you knew it too well, but you were at a point where you were just waiting for him to end you by inadvertence

Jay forcefully pushed you onto the ground and took a few seconds to take a look at you

he took your leg and dragged you across the floor and stairs to the basement not even taking a look at your suffering self

he couldn't care less, all he saw was rage and madness, he couldn't believe how bold you were and made sure to teach you and unforgettable lesson

심 제이크 Sim Jake

you didn't even remember the last time you argued with Jake

it was always pretty sweet with him, but only recently you started to take notice of the manipulation

you started to notice how the way he treated you was far from normal, and it was rapidly but carefully bulding in you anger and resentment towards Jake, who didn't really notice the subtle changes in your behaviour

it was after him begging for you two to not go out on a date that you lost it

you started screaming right at his face and pouring all the contents of your heart on him, insults after insults were thrown, taking him aback

but he still got the situation under control, he knew you very well, and this outbursts of yours was going to end in his favour

again, he used his best technique, manipulation. he tried, but despite his best efforts, you saw right through it

and you managed to get even more enraged, if that was even possible

you took angry steps towards Jake and waste a second to slap him harshly

a wave of anger came over Jake, but he knew better to act put of anger. the last thing he'd ever was to appear as the bad guy

he was going to use your act to victimise himself and make YOU the bad guy

and that's how he put you back into your place, and filled you with immeasurable guilt

박 성훈 Park Sunghoon

you usually always tip-toed when you were with Sunghoon, which was all the time

but being with such a person lead to built up frustration and anger, that you always made sure to never unleash onto him, knowing damn well that he wasn't going to spend a single second trying to understand you

but today was different, nothing seemed to go your way, everything seemed like it was trying to push your buttons further and Sunghoon was no exception

everything he did seemed to bug you more than usual, and today was not the day you were up to deal with his quite annoying teasing

you tried to tell him to stop, but he didn't want to listen driving you crazier

after another remark from him, your body started dmoving on its own and you slapped his face with all of your strength

your eyes widened before his did, and before he could even compute your bold act, apologies started spilling our of your mouth, tears already forming in your eyes

but to your surprise, Sunghoon just started laughing, his laugh getting crazier by the second, scaring you but nevertheless, you kept the apologies coming until they almost made no sense

“shut up” and you immediately did, he then grabbed your hair and dragged you too your room

“you've gotten so bold and mean and for what?” he shook his head “i've done nothing but be nice and you repay me like this?” he tugged at your hair harshly as you were struggling on the floor

“i guess i should have known better, you are a brat after all. i hope that what you'll be going be through today will be enough for you to finally understand.” he took a look at your pitiful figure “not like i mind pushing you anyways”

김 선우 Kim Sunoo

where did this rage even come from? maybe it was from being locked away from the world, trapped with someone you absolutely loathed. who knew, what mattered was the fact that Sunoo's clingy behaviour was greatly pissing you off

his recent jealousy was way more overbearing these days, and you couldn't stand him being attached to your hip after acting in such deranged ways.

hell, everything he did seemed to piss you off in some ways and you told him multiple times but you were met with a pouting Sunoo which irked you even more

but this time it was too much

your head was hurting and the lats thing you needed was Sunoo yelling at you for a reason you didn't even know, you assumed it was because of his jealousy

you argued back, todl him to shut up repeatedly but to no avail, it only angered him more

and that's when you did it

you slapped him, you could say goodbye to your head because he was now screaming his head off and you of course, received a slap back

all you could do was sob uncontrollably on the floor, begging for all the screaming to stop

양 정원 Yang Jungwon

the only reason an argument with Jungwon got so far, was only because he found it entertaining to see you so engaged as if you were going to change his mind, he found you quite adorable like that

but now he had enough of seeing you scream, he did prefer seeing you docile and calm, and he would be lying if he didn't want his peace and quiet

after some eye rolling, he told you off, having not listened to anything you've said, not really caring

“did you even listen to me at all?” you said angrily, Jungwon smirked

“of course not, why would i?” he laughed “now just shut up before i get angry”

you were boiling inside, you felt frustrated, could nothing get through his head? if words didn't, maybe actions would

and right then and there, you slapped him, not with much force, you just wanted to get your point across

but if he was feeling nice earlier, he sure wasn't now

he didn't plan on punishing you today, but now, to him at least, it was the only option left

“i tried being nice with you but i guess you didn't get the memo, hm?” without leaving you the chance to answer he grabbed your arm and brought his face close to yours

“i suppose violence is the only way you can understand who's in control”

西村 力 Nishimura Riki

you two were passionately arguing as always

spitting venom at each other, fighting your sides for your dear lives, too stubborn to stop and apologise

you didn't even remember why you were arguing, you were just arguing to argue, in your minds, there was no way you were going to lose this battle

red with rage, you couldn't help but get even angrier seeing Riki shooting daggers at you

it only drove you further in you indignation and furor

you knew how he pushed every single one of your buttons, and this was the last straw

insulting your loved ones, especially after taking you away from them, was just too much for you to bear

the second your processed his words your hand flew across the room to his face, leaving a huge mark on his cheek

“i guess this shuts you up, huh?” you said snarkily, still riding your high seeing Riki mouth wide opened

“okay i don't where the fuck did you get your confidence from, but know that i'm going to make you pay for this” now your eyes widened and gulped as you heard him speak

he pulled your hair to bring you closer to him before speaking in your ear

“i'm going to make sure you won't ever use these hands of yours in such ways”

PERM TAG LIST! : @stacey-stonem, @sh1mzu, @axartia, @echantedrose, @leeknowbuttsmasher, @nikipedia07, @deafeningballoonnacho, @sristsblog

#koffeenet #🌇// ¡fics! #enhypen #yandere #enha yandere #yandere enhypen #yandere enha #kpop yandere #yandere kpop #enhypen yandere #enhypen reactions #kpop fanfic #kpop #enha reactions #enha fics #yandere heeseung #heeseung yandere #yandere jay #yandere jake #yandere sunghoon #yandere sunoo #sunoo yandere #jungwon yandere #yandere jungwon #yandere niki #heeseung reactions #jay reactions #jake reactions #sunghoon reactions #sunoo reactions

[garlimcbread]

write me a fic where like everyone lived but over time the gang all moved out of Tulsa and stopped talking as much- and how those idiots reunited and what was it like?

UGHHHH I LOVE HOW YOU THINK POOKIE

I am NOT good at writing fics so this is probably gonna be either bad or ooc (probably both)

Ponyboy leans back in his chair, stretching his arms above his head and groaning at the feeling of his back popping. He's really gotta stop hunching over his desk like this.

He surveys his work so far. The book is nowhere near done, and he's still gotta edit it, but he's happy with his progress.

As he's putting his laptop away, the phone on his desk rings. He groans, assuming its the publishing house asking about his progress again. He picks it up regardless.

"Hello?"

"Pony?"

"Soda?"

Pony hasn't heard from either of his brothers in a while. It's not that they're on bad terms, it's just that none of them have reached out, at least not to Ponyboy.

"Hey Pony. Uh- Johnny's coming in next week. I know this is last minute, but do ya' wanna come over? We're all gonna be there."

What, did Soda think Ponyboy wanted nothing to do with any of them? Maybe he is as dumb as he says he is.

"Course, Soda. Where? The old house?"

"Yeah. Darry's just as stubborn as he's always been, didn't wanna get out."

They both laugh. Pony wonders why he hadn't reached out before now.

"I'll be there. Even Dally'll be there?"

"Yup. I'm just as shocked, but I think Dally'd do anything for Johnny."

Dally had moved back to New York shortly after he'd turned 18. Up state. He didn't want anything to do with New York City. Last Ponyboy heard, he was going to Watertown.

Pony had never heard of it, but it's not like he could convince Dally not to do something. Nobody could, except for Johnny.

Dally had wanted to move to Rochester, but Johnny's mom had moved there shortly before, and Johnny didn't wanna run into her while visiting Dally.

"Right. I'll get on a plane as fast as I can."

"Alright, Cali-boy."

Pony snorts. "Don't call me that."

The line goes dead, indicating Soda had hung up. Pony puts the phone back on the receiver.

The phone ringing cuts through the air. Pony groans. That's definitely the publishing house now.

✧･ﾟ: *━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━*:･ﾟ✧

Ponyboy didn't think he'd be flying places so soon. Sure, he'd had to travel for those book signings last month, but he usually only does those every couple years since they take a lot out of him.

As he grabs his luggage from the overhead bin and shuffles out of the plane with the crowd, trying to avoid being recognized even if he's in Oklahoma, he can't help but feel excited.

He hasn't seen the gang in years. Dally had moved out the second he could, as did Steve.

Two-Bit stayed with his mama for a couple more years after that until she got fed up with him doing nothing but drink all day and kicked him out.

Johnny moved out as soon as he could, and Ponyboy doesn't blame him. His dad had stayed in town afterall, even after Johnny's mom left to live closer to her family.

Ponyboy left before Sodapop did, even though he's younger. Darry hadn't left, apparently.

Ponyboy was just gonna grab a rental car and head out to Tulsa, but he gets absolutely body slammed by someone as soon as he's out in the main lobby. Pony shrieks and starts to fight the unknown person off, until he hears them laugh.

"Sodapop Curtis!" He scolds Soda. "You nearly gave me a heart attack!"

"I can't help it! I was just so excited to see you!"

Ponyboy huffs, sitting up as Soda gets off him.

"Help me up, asshole."

Soda snickers and does as Ponyboy asked him to.

"You got everything? I'll drive you."

"Yeah, I got everything."

Sodapop smiles at him. Ponyboy can't help but smile back, regardless of how annoyed he is.

✧･ﾟ: *━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━*:･ﾟ✧

When Ponyboy gets through the door he's already being tackled again.

"Ponyboy!"

"Keith!" He squawks, "Get off!"

Sodapop laughs as he steps around them. "You're awful popular today, Pony."

Darry yanks Two-Bit off him, tossing him on the couch right on top of Steve. Two-Bit continues to cackle even as Steve shouts at him and Darry.

"Sorry, Pony. I've been tryin' to reel him in." Darry helps Pony up off the floor.

"It's alright, Darry. I know you've probably got you hands full with him and Dal and Soda."

"Dal ain't here yet, Pone," Johnny pipes up. He'd been so quiet Ponyboy hadn't even noticed him there.

Pony grins, going in for a hug. "Hey, Johnny."

Johnny smiles back, hugging Ponyboy tight. Jesus, the guy's gotten tall. "Hey, Pony. How you been? How's Cali?"

Pony shrugs. "Well, it's Cali." Ponyboy pulls away from Johnny, but keeps him within arms reach by settling his hands on Johnny's shoulders. "How's Mexico?"

"Fine, better than stayin' with my old man."

Johnny had moved in with his dad's side of the family in Mexico. They're nicer than him, which makes Ponyboy wonder what the hell happened to that man to make him so bitter.

"Ain't that the truth? How long are you stayin'?"

"Just a week, then my visa runs out. Wish I could stay longer," Johnny sighs.

"Wish I could too. Where's Dally?"

"Probably still on the plane. I think it takes longer to get here from Watertown than Los Angeles."

"It does," Pony confirms, "Only took me three hours to get here."

Johnny pulls Pony into a hug again. "Still too long, I think," He mumbles into Pony's shoulder.

Ponyboy rolls his eyes, patting Johnny's back. "Yeah, yeah."

✧･ﾟ: *━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━*:･ﾟ✧

Dally comes through the door an hour after everyone gets settled. Johnny hops right off the couch to greet Dally with a hug.

Dally doesn't push him back, but only pats his back. "Glory, kid. You got tall. What're they puttin' in the water down there?"

"Missed you, Dal."

"Missed you too, Johnnycake." Dally pats him on the back one more time, and then gently pushes Johnny back.

"How's Watertown?"

"Fine. Ain't like New York City, that's for sure."

"Well, that's good." Johnny smiles.

"Kinda. It's kinda boring, too."

Johnny snickers. "Good to see you haven't changed much, Dal."

"You ain't changed either, Johnnycake." Dally grins.

Johnny rolls his eyes. "Oh, I've changed plenty, Dal."

"Agree to disagree. Where's Cali-boy?"

"Quit callin' me that!" Pony shouts from his old bedroom. Darry had told him he could set up there for the week.

"Well, there he is." Johnny smiles.

#the outsiders #ponyboy curtis #sodapop curtis #darry curtis #darrel curtis #johnny cade #dally winston #dallas winston #two bit mathews #steve randle #this was the fic I lost all of </3 #It was supposed to be longer but I lost everything up to Ponyboy getting tackled by Two-bit 💀

[seananmcguire]

Hey, I understand if you're sick of the questions and don't want to answer this, but given the recent discourse I've been ruminating the possibility of a website where people could submit prompts and by submitting relinquish their rights to the idea. The submissions could be sorted by genre etc and tagged for specific franchises like Star Trek or The Simpsons or whatever. The understanding would be that these ideas are now free to use, for anyone from fanfic authors up to the shows creators themselves and so long as an author can show they took the original prompt from this creative commons-esq website they should be protected from legal action.

I'm sure there is something I'm missing as to why a website like this wouldn't work, but I was just wondering about its potential as a person who has many ideas for how shows should go and not enough executive function to make my own version.

So ideas are not the issue. Ideas have never been the issue. Creators have ideas by the truckload, or we wouldn't have become creators. At the end of the day, we have the same excess of ideas as the most invested fans, and we don't need the help.

So why the avoidance? Contamination. That's where the issue comes in. If we execute an idea the same way someone else did, we open ourselves or the IPs we're working on to lawsuits. We create doubt. "Oh why do you have to be so careful not to steal ideas if you don't need them?" Because sometimes we won't know we've done it.

Look. I am a songwriter, in addition to prose, and I've released several CDs. I don't need anyone else's ideas. I am also not a huge Green Day fan. This is relevant because I once spent a month working on a song with a really cool hook that had just popped into my head one day. I was very pleased with the song as a whole!

And then I realized I'd stolen the hook wholesale from "Boulevard of Broken Dreams" by Green Day, and had to scrap the whole thing. Theft is not always intentional. The chance of contamination from such a site would be dangerous enough.

But what happens when you make your perfect site, and then someone takes your free-to-use ideas and writes a bestselling novel from them? And then the book gets made into a movie, and the lawyers for the movie studio go after everyone else who took that idea? I'm sure you could set up the initial site in such a way that they'd be in the clear, but lawsuits still cost time and money, and it's better to avoid them when possible.

So many stories have been born from ideas for specific IPs that then wind up nowhere near the final creations, I would hate to see you pouring that much passion into a platform that no sensible IP holder is going to touch, and most creators are going to avoid, because you only want to do the fun, easy part. Let us work uncontaminated, and hopefully we'll make you happy.

[idrellegames]

How do you maintain love in your playerbase knowing that some of the people there are the same selfish people who are leaking or trying to leak/pirate the hard work of indie devs and writers? Ngl my project was nowhere near as big and popular as yours but something like that happened to me and I slowly lost interest in my project. I still keep up with IFs I like but can't ever seem to manifest the interest and love I used to have for my work after it happened the first time. People say things like giving up is just "letting them win" or that we should just be happy that someone out there enjoys our game and hearing "reasons" like that make me realize it's hopeless to get any respect for my work

First of all, I'm really sorry your project got leaked. It is an unfortunate side of being a creator - especially an online one. Regardless of the form, regardless of whether you're an hobbyist or a professional, art is a hot commodity. People want high quality entertainment, but they don't want to pay for it.

I've been avoiding addressing the IF leaks outside of this post because I don't think it's productive to throw any more attention on the situation. Leaks happen, they are always going to happen--if someone wants something and they can't afford it or don't want to pay for it and they want it badly enough, they will find a loophole. At the end of the day, it's a very small community of people who are pirating and shoving them into the spotlight is only going to draw more people who were maybe on the fence about downloading pirated content into doing it.

I am pretty steeled when it comes to this topic now. IF isn't the only place where I have experienced my work being leaked. I come from a theatre background and it is very easy for your original work to get produced without you even knowing about it.

A show I worked on in 2012 has its script available online as part of the library of the university where it was produced. My co-writer and I don't collect royalties from it; the intention is for it to remain free to produce for amateur and university companies. However, because of the political and sensitive nature of the script, my co-writer is very adamant about directors contacting her for permission to produce it and to follow certain guidelines before putting it on. Learning about a production in Australia months after the show closed didn't feel great. It wasn't about money, it was about ethics.

With the IF leaks specifically, I think there's a bit of a disconnect happening here between the people who want to play the games and how they view the indie creator who made them. They see paying a Patreon sub as the same as paying a big company for a product, and if they can't afford to pay it or if they don't want to, then no harm is done by pirating it.

But that's not what the relationship is.

Patreon is not paying for a product, it is supporting the creator's livelihood. I am extremely grateful for my patrons. A game the size of Wayfarer is not something that can feasibly be done in the spare moments between day jobs. But capitalism stops for no one and to make this game, I need to be able to afford rent and groceries. A living wage, as some would say.

Are leaks disheartening? Yes. But I also think that people who play pirated content were never going to sub to Patreon in the first place. And, as mentioned earlier, the number of people involved is relatively small. Thankfully, I'm not that much at risk of leaks actually affecting my income at the moment. But I would be concerned and would take a firmer stance if you Googled Wayfarer and the first search result was a pirated copy (and then I would probably follow the appropriate steps to have that result taken down from the search results).

I think the worst thing you can do as a creator is confront leakers directly. That is only going to blow back on you and put more of a spotlight on the fact that your work is getting leaked. I much would rather focus my time and energy on encouraging my community not to pirate my content than chasing down leakers and making PSAs about it.

For the folks who can't afford a Patreon sub or to anyone considering pirating my content, I would encourage you to apply to be playtesters when applications are open. If you bug test for me, then you can play the alpha content for free.

Outside of that, I take measures to protect my work as much as I can. It's not a perfect system (I don't think it's possible to make your work 100% pirating proof - if people want it badly enough, they will find a way to get it), but I know I've done as much as I can and I am content with that. I don't let it bother me. I have more important things to do with my time.

And for the people who do pirate my work - Bravo! Congratulations! It's very entertaining how petty you are.

#wayfarer #wayfarer if #answered

[awhitehead17]

Stand By Me

TimKon, Tim & Bruce, Canon Divergence Infinite Crisis, Kon lives, Injury, Hurt/Comfort, Friendship, Angst.

Summary: It’s been three weeks since what they are now calling the Infinite Crisis. The Crisis led to much devastation, not to just their world, but across all multi-dimensions, hundreds of lives have been lost, both hero, villain and civilian alike.

Even now Tim still can’t comprehend what happened to his best friend all those weeks ago. He's been sat inside his hospital room, unmoving, as he waits for his best friend to wake up after he went knocking on death's door.

A/N: This if for the 'Hospital Stay' square on my Bad Things Happen Bingo Card. It's a canon divergence of Infinite Crisis where Kon lives.

Also on AO3

Enjoy! :D

“Tim, it’s been ten days. You can’t keep staying in here.”

Technically it’s been nine days, fourteen hours and thirty-six minutes, not that Tim is going to correct him. He hums in acknowledgment but otherwise continues to stare ahead and ignores the concerned gaze on him.

“Tim.”

At the sharp tone Tim finally turns around and faces the man behind him. He scowls feeling irritable by the constant badgering everyone keeps doing to him.

“I’m not leaving.” He states firmly. “I am not going anywhere, not until he wakes up and is back up on his feet. I’m not going and you can’t make me.”

“That could be another month or two Tim.”

“Then I’ll be staying here for that month or two. I mean it. I’m not going anywhere.”

Being done with the conversation Tim turns back around and pointedly ignores the man behind him. He shouldn’t really, no one ever puts their back to Batman, but Tim doesn't care. All his attention and focus is on the unconscious body lying on the hospital bed in front of him.

It’s been three weeks since what they are now calling the Infinite Crisis. And those three weeks have been hell. The Crisis led to much devastation, not to just their world, but across all multi-dimensions, hundreds of lives have been lost, both hero, villain and civilian alike. Even whole cities had been destroyed. Throughout the last three weeks it’s taken a humongous effort from everyone in the community to try and gain some sort of normalcy after what happened and they’re still nowhere near out of the fire just yet.

For ten (nine) of those twenty-one days since the Crisis, Tim’s been sat inside this hospital room, unmoving, as he waits for his best friend to wake up from a coma he’d fallen into.

Kon went knocking on deaths door during the Crisis.

Even now Tim still can’t comprehend what happened to his best friend. Kon had been willing to  sacrifice himself to defeat Superboy Prime and the machine that threatened the multiverse. Kon had sustained fatal injuries during the battle with Prime and gained even more after he crashed them both into the machine which ultimately stopped it. Kon almost succumbed to his injuries but miraculously made it through.

It’s not been a smooth recovery. Kon had flatlined two times there on the battlefield and once more several hours later. The medical team had thankfully managed to stabilise him and keep him alive long enough for his body to start healing on its own, even with his Kryptonian genetics it took time for the healing genes to kick in.

For the first seven days Tim hadn’t been allowed to see him, Clark had kept Kon away at the fortress and refused to let anyone to see him. After that week Clark allowed Kon to be moved into the Justice League based hospital, even then Tim still hadn’t been allowed to see him for another four days. Just as Tim had been ready to blow the hospital doors down Clark allowed him entry and since then Tim hasn’t once left.

He’s occasionally popped out to either go toilet or a quick shower but he’s never been gone longer than ten minutes. Others have popped by and stayed with him, other frequent visitors have been Bart and Cassie who thankfully also survived the Crisis, they’ve all told him they’ll watch over Kon while he gets some fresh air and a proper night’s sleep but Tim's refused to leave each and every time. It feels like the moment he takes his eyes off Kon he’ll never see him again.

Bruce has been by to check on Tim nearly every day since he’s set up shop in Kon's room. Every time he would ask Tim if he wanted anything or telling him it’s okay for him to leave. Tim appreciates the concern, especially with everything that’s been going on, and how his focus has been needed elsewhere, but after several days of this it’s frustrating now and Tim doesn't get why Bruce wouldn’t leave him alone. Out of his kids Bruce really ought to be focusing on Dick more than him, Dick has been one of the people who has suffered the most in the Crisis considering his entire city had been demolished. He’s going through a lot and needs the support.

There's a rustle of movement behind him and suddenly Bruce is crouching down beside the chair Tim is sat in. Tim pointedly looks the other way and does his best to ignore the man. Bruce has other ideas because he reaches over, cups his cheek and turns Tim so he’s looking at him.

Not having the energy Tim doesn't fight against it although he closes his eyes so he doesn’t have to look at the man whose still staring at him in concern.

“Tim can you look at me.” Tim stubbornly doesn’t. “Tim, please.” A moment later Tim hears a harsh sigh come from the man and while he feels somewhat bad for his behaviour he still refuses to look at Bruce. The hand falls away from his cheek and he feels Bruce shift by his chair. “Okay, don’t look but at least listen to what I have to say.” Tim doesn’t acknowledge him although Bruce must have expected this as he continues talking anyway.

Whatever he says goes straight over Tim’s head because the moment the man opened his mouth a beep sounded out from one of the machines next to Kon’s head at the end of the bed. His attention immediately zeroed in on the noise, effectively blocking everything – Bruce – out and Tim studied the machine with laser focus trying to work out what it could mean. When nothing out of the ordinary could be noted Tim changed his focus to his best friend looking for any signs of him either waking up or if something is wrong. Again nothing appears out of the ordinary. Kon simply looks like he’s taking a nap.

A hand on his shoulder roughly shaking him averts his attention away from Kon and back to the other man in the room, who Tim had completely forgotten about.

Bruce is scowling at him, but Tim could see the worry underneath the cold exterior. “Were you even listening to what I was saying?”

Tim didn’t see the point in lying. Truth be told he didn’t really care. “No. I’m not leaving so stop trying to get to me go. It’s not happening.”

Bruce lets out a sharp exhale and he gets up from his crouched position. There’s suddenly an air around him that has Tim’s senses going on high alert for the first time since the man entered the hospital room. Bruce leans in closely to Tim, looming over him as he rests his hands on the arms of the chair effectively caging Tim in.

Tim couldn’t make himself look away this time. His heart is pounding inside his chest as he starts feeling a little panicked at the cold look Bruce is sending his way. It’s also the first time Tim sees the exhaustion on the man, everything that’s happened since the Crisis weighing heavily on his shoulders.

“I am going to say this once. This is your only warning, do you understand?” Bruce lowly says looking straight at Tim in the eyes. Tim swallows and nods. “Two days. If you have not left this room within two days I am going to come back here and physically drag you out. I know you’re concerned about your friend and it’s admirable on how much you want to stay by his side during this time, however neglecting yourself and your health isn’t helping anyone. It isn’t helping you, it isn’t helping me, or Dick, Cass, your team and it certainly isn’t helping Conner. With the way you’re going, you’ll end up in a bed next to him. Is that what you want Tim?”

Bruce pauses and looks expectantly at Tim as if waiting for an answer to his rhetorical question. Finding himself unable to form words Tim shakes his head anyway.

Bruce stares at him for a moment longer for which Tim holds his breath, unsure on what the man’s next move is going to be. In the end he simply grunts before straightening up and leaves the hospital room. It takes Tim a moment to remember how to breathe again once he’s gone.

Two days later Bruce sees his threat through. During this time Tim had known the man wasn't joking about forcing him to leave, but the threat didn’t stop him from not leaving Kon’s hospital room. He kinda regrets not leaving (in reality he would never) when Bruce comes into Kon’s hospital room and immediately pins Tim with a look.

Tim doesn’t hesitate. He springs out of the chair and darts towards the small supply closet within the room. He should be able to squeeze in there and avoid Bruce.

Just as he has hold of the handle, an arm wraps around his waist and hoists him up and away from the door. Tim yelps and squirms trying to escape but the hold stays firm even as he’s placed back on ground facing the opposite away from the closet. Bruce’s free hand grabs one of his own, extra caution to make sure he doesn’t go anywhere, and the arm wrapped around his waist lets go so the man can use both hands to grab both of Tim’s.

Within one moment and the next Tim’s wrists were suddenly encased in handcuffs. He makes an indignant sound and tries loosening them to no avail. Before he could be verbal about his protest Bruce is wrapping an arm around his waist once again and this time throws Tim over his shoulder and starts making his way out of the room. Tim gets one more glance at an unmoving Kon in his hospital bed, the exact same position he has been in for the last twelve days, before the door closes.

Knowing it was useless, Tim still tries to fight his way to freedom. He kicks out and wiggles around, trying anything to make Bruce loosen the hold he has on him however the man appears unaffected by Tim’s attempts at freedom. He keeps walking casually down the corridor as if carrying his handcuffed teenage son over his shoulder is an everyday occurrence.

Bruce only stops once their outside by the car. Bruce opens the passenger door and finally puts Tim down onto his feet although the man keeps a hand on his shoulder and firmly guides him into the seat. Tim huffs at the manhandling but otherwise doesn’t protest. He sits obediently in the car as Bruce makes his way around to the other side and climbs into the driver’s seat. After a moment Bruce eyes him sideways and clicks a button on the dashboard, a second later he could hear the click of the locks locking. Tim rolls his eyes. He may be tempted to jump out of a moving car, it wouldn’t be the first time, but handcuffed and feeling exhausted has him thinking otherwise so Bruce shouldn’t be so paranoid.

--------

Tim’s allowed back into Kon’s hospital room five days later. Durning those five days Tim had been under constant supervision in a nearby penthouse which Bruce owns. He ate full three meals a day, snacks too, showered, stretched and exercised lightly, and even somehow managed to have a couple full night sleeps.

Returning to Kon's side he feels better and refreshed, not that he’d ever admit it to Bruce. He never stopped worrying about Kon’s condition but the break away from the hospital room did give Tim somewhat of a mental break. The team thankfully kept him up to date with Kon’s condition, Cassie and Bart often facetimed Tim when they were in Kon’s room, allowing Tim to see Kon for himself while he was away.

It was only hours later after Tim returned to the hospital room when Kon started to stir, for the first time he showed signs of waking up. Tim was right beside him as he groggily woke, completely out of it and confused, Tim did his best to reassure Kon of where he is and how he’s going to be okay while he paged the onsite doctor. Kon fell asleep only moments after waking up, it didn’t deter Tim however because for the first time in weeks he’s hopeful for his best friend’s recovery.

It happened in stages and Kon’s recovery is a slow progress. He wakes up on and off, as confused as the first time for a couple days before his wakings gradually increased and his coherence improved.

“How long have I been here?” Kon asks disbelievingly. He’s still rough, he’s lost weight and his skin has lost colour but Tim doesn't care about those things. His best friend is alive and that’s all that matters. Everything else can be recovered with time.

Tim absently strokes the skin of Kon’s hand from where he’s holding it in his own. “Four weeks give or take.” Tim tells him, it’s not like he hasn’t kept track. He suddenly feels himself welling up, hit by an onslaught of emotion out of nowhere.

“You’ve been here for weeks, it was all touch and go for a while and Clark had you hidden away in the fortress for a week then you were moved here, it’s been a long ass few weeks Kon, you have no idea, I didn’t know if you were going to make it, your heart stopped Kon. Three times! It stopped three times and then you wouldn’t wake up. Day after day after day. You wouldn’t wake up-”

Tim sucks in a sharp breath, effectively halting his rambling, when a hand touches his cheek. He hadn’t realised he worked himself up into a frenzy until he stopped talking. Tears were streaming from his eyes and breathing was a bit of a struggle.

“Tim – hey Tim, look at me – look at me…”

Kon’s words break through the fog in his mind and Tim meets the eyes of his best friend. Eyes that were finally open after weeks of waiting for them to do so.

“Breathe with me, Rob.”

Kon guides him through a breathing exercise which does the trick of calming him down to the point where he can think clearly again. Tim sniffs and wipes his face with his jumper sleeve before letting out a huff.

“You’re the one in the hospital bed and here I am having a breakdown.”

Kon just stares at him and despite the exhaustion clear on his face Tim could see the concern in his gaze.

“I’m not the only one going through things Tim.” He says simply. “C’mere.”

“What? No Kon-” Kon grabs Tim and starts tugging him onto his bed, after only a moment of resisting Tim lets his friend manhandle him around to his liking only because he doesn't want Kon to hurt himself. Soon enough he finds himself lying next to Kon, head resting on his shoulder and his body curled up facing towards Kon’s, his hand resting over Kon's heart feeling the steady beat underneath the skin.

Kon’s hand runs across his back and shoulder in comforting strokes. Neither of them say anything as they lie there together, simply breathing and taking in comfort from the other and listening to the steady beep of Kon’s monitors.

Tim ends up fiddling with Kon’s fingers of the hand not on his back. “I was so scared, I almost lost you,” he admits quietly. After a moment he thinks Kon hadn’t heard him or that he’s fallen asleep however when Tim looks up at his best friend he finds Kon staring at him with an indescribable look on his face.

“I don’t remember a lot of what happened leading up to… that,” Kon starts softly, not looking away from Tim. “I remember there being pain, and anger, and just the want to beat him to stop it from happening. I’ve been told it’s like a trauma response, me forgetting I mean, supposedly it’s to help myself recover, the doctors say I may remember more details down the line or even not at all. I don’t know what scares me more.”

Kon breathes deeply before glancing away.

“I want to thank you Tim,” at Tim’s frown Kon immediately shushes him, “no, I mean it. I get this hasn’t been easy for you, I’ve heard the stories of you never leaving my side and I want to say thank you for never giving up on me or for never letting me be alone even when I was unconscious.”

Tim shakes his head smiling sadly. “Of course I wasn't going to give up on you. You’re a fighter through and through, stubborn as a mule too. I didn’t want you to be alone. You’d do it for me.”

They’re best friends. Everyone knows this. There isn’t anything they wouldn’t do for each other.

Kon reaches up and cups Tim’s face, he leans forward and rests his forehead against Tim’s and Tim embraces the hold, even moving to hold Kon back. They’re here. They’re both alive. They’re both going to be fine. Tim can’t imagine living in a world without his best friend.

#tim drake #bruce wayne #kon el #canon divergence #infinite crisis #Kon lives #he's just severely hurt #Tim loses his mind with worry #Bruce tries to be a good parent #he forces tim to look after himself #hurt/comfort #injury #angst #friendship #timkon #although can be read as platonic or romantic #bad things happen bingo #hospital stay #dc comics

[strangersatellites]

strangers 1.3k words

inspired by ethel cain's song "strangers" and if you read this it is a requirement that you listen to it. (its linked at the bottom)

idk team I was just listening to this song for the millionth time and needed to get this out, so here's 1.3k words of Eddie experiencing life after death and Steve dealing with grief and guilt I guess

Eddie is a ghost. 

He’s made his peace with that.

Some kind of Upside-Down ghost probably. He doesn’t really care.

The people of Hawkins don’t know that. They still believe, still fear that he’s out there somewhere. Everyone that cared about him knows better.

WIthout a proper grave he just kind of… drifts. 

Into and out of spaces, he leaves behind no trace save for a soft breeze if someone’s really paying attention.

They usually aren’t.

He’s not really a physical being so much as a feeling. Still in his body but less aware of it than he ever was. He thinks he couldn’t explain it if he wanted to. Couldn’t explain the way that people can’t see him or hear him when he’s there, but later feel like they had, and feel crazy trying to explain it. He’s had to learn his way around his new consciousness in a way that lets him be near the ones he cares about without hurting them. It's an exhausting cycle, to feel out of your mind.

He can see it in the way dread and grief tug at the shoulders of the people he loved. He knows this because the more someone thinks of him, the closer he can get to them. 

At first he was at home a lot. 

Well, as at home as he could be in this new place they’ve got Wayne in. It’s nowhere Eddie’d ever been when he was living, but Wayne’s there so it's home nonetheless. But as weeks turn into months the closest he can get is just outside the door. He can’t get inside, can’t actually see Wayne anymore. Can’t see the way that loneliness weighs him down. The way he picks himself up every time.

So he lets himself drift to wherever he’s pulled next. A time or two it's been to Jeff’s garage while he’s practicing. Several times he’s gotten to see inside Dustin’s room late at night before the kid falls asleep. 

But the place he’s finding himself more and more often, he didn’t recognize at first. He just knew it was a basement somewhere. Drafty, door locked tight, and with nothing but dusty tools to keep him company, he found comfort in knowing that someone was remembering him. Even if only a little. Even if it’s a stranger.

Eddie’s drifted in and out of whatever kind of consciousness he experiences for a while before his surroundings morph and change. 

The kitchen of the Harrington house he would recognize anywhere. 

He smiles as he takes in the new space and thinks that if he had a human body he’d be sat up on the counter just like he is now.

Steve walks into the kitchen with a furrow in his brow and Eddie takes the time to really look.

This is the first time he’s seen Steve since the last of his air left his lungs and he’s hit with a strange sense of longing. 

Can see it in the bags under Steve’s eyes that, even now, say he’s still carrying everything on his own.

He’d always done that.

When Eddie had made that stupid, stupid decision, though he’d be loath to admit it alive, he’d wondered if Steve would've done the same thing. 

He thinks they both knew the answer was yes and that that’s the reason Steve still looks like hell even months later.

He looks like hell but he’s still so handsome walking over toward Eddie now. 

Eddie knows he can’t see him, doesn’t know he’s there. But he still finds himself longing for the closeness when Steve grabs a glass from the cabinet and leaves the room again.

In an instant Eddie’s back in the basement. Steve’s memory of him gone as quick as it came as Eddie is left with the question that followed him his whole life:

Am I no good?

As he wastes away in the drafty, cold he realizes that he doesn’t feel a pull anywhere else. He decides that seeing Steve once in a while, if only for a short time, is better than being forgotten.

It becomes a routine. Eddie’s hours will turn into days, and he’ll lose track of time. Then he’ll blink and he’s watching Steve stare at himself in the mirror. He looks like he’s been crying and like he’s going to be sick. Eddie wants nothing more than to be able to comfort him. But as quick as they come, they go, and Eddie begins to connect the dots. 

Eddie’s memory, like everything else Steve seldom allows himself to feel, gets carried with him always. But he locks them away tight in his heart and only lets them out when he thinks no one is watching. When he thinks he’s allowed to miss Eddie.

So Eddie stays in the basement, stays in Steve’s heart, heavy, guilty, until Steve’s ready to face it again.

One day it catches Steve by surprise.

Eddie can tell because he’s in the middle of putting away groceries when Eddie gets there.

At first Eddie’s confused. But then he sees the milk carton in Steve’s hand with the big MISSING: EDDIE MUNSON and his photo on the side. There’s a sale sticker over his face in what was surely some angry grocer’s last ditch effort to sell milk with the Hawkins devil on the side.

Steve’s frozen just looking at it and honestly Eddie gets it.

After everything that was lost, this may very well be the only physical memory of him that’s left save for a polaroid photo in an evidence locker somewhere.

He’s able to drift close enough to hear the breath Steve lets out before he puts it in the fridge and finishes unpacking his bags.

From that point on Eddie’s no longer in the basement.

He’s able to drift all around Steve’s house and he learns that he can touch things.

He watches Steve’s smile come back when Robin’s over.

He flits his fingers across windchimes when the air is still and watches them take in the music.

He watches Steve crash after long days at work and drags a blanket up over his shoulder.

Sees his confused face when he wakes.

He looks on when Steve pours the milk down the drain and puts the empty carton right back in the fridge.

Even though this makes him sad, he makes a smiley face out of the magnets on the door. Hopes that Steve notices.

He sees him scream out his anger late into the night and wishes that he could touch Steve.

But as time goes on he’s able to witness the way that Steve learns to carry the guilt, but to also try to let himself breathe.

Eddie spends a lot of his time wishing he were alive so that he could tell Steve he’s proud of him. That he could tell him he’s surrounded by people who would help him carry it all if he would just put it down. Wishes he were alive for a lot more reasons than just that.

But the night he gets the closest is when he figures out that he can use the phone in the office to call the one in Steve’s room while he’s away.

He’d learned early on in this afterlife that if he spoke he wouldn’t be heard. But he has a hunch that this might be an Upside-Down loophole.

He’s sitting on the floor across from where Steve’s lying in bed, and he’s watching the stream of tears drip down his pretty, pretty face while he listens to the voicemail.

Hey Stevie.

Called you just to tell you that I made it real far, and that I never blamed you for loving the way that you do while you were torn apart.

I would still wait with you there.

Don’t think about it too hard or you’ll never sleep a wink at night again. Don’t worry about me, Stevie, just know that I loved you.

And I’ll see you when you get here.

#steddie #kinda #im not even going to properly tag this #this is purely self-indulgent #sad steddie hours #gin writes #things I wrote instead of things I should be writing #y'all like actually have to listen to the song to get the full effect of this #if y’all haven’t gotten the gist by now #preachers daughter literally changed my life #and i will never shut the fuck up about it

[artemisiavulgaris1114]

So I've been sitting on this 30 page Gortash/Lilith pre/during/post-game fanfic outline (!!) for months. the first chapter isn't done yet :') I normally don't post unfinished, buuuut I'm happy with the first part and felt like it needed to be released into the world--give it a bit of external life to hopefully feed back into it for when I do have the bandwidth for more writing <3

As Dark Things Are Meant To Be Loved chapter: 0.1/? (not up on ao3 yet in case anyone is looking for it there) rating: M (canon-typical blood and gore) durgetash (gortash x durge tav) although this first bit has no durge in it, just one tired asshole who's too old for this shit

Gortash gazed sightlessly upon the statue of the gods. The tabernacle was shadowed and dormant in the small hours of the night, but for the soft flicker of the altar candles, and his mind was similarly far away. The unmistakable odour of the lower city managed to seep into the air here, winding its way through the din of incense and herbal offerings. Despite his recent more lavish trappings, Gortash still found himself spending far too much time in a place he missed and hated in equal measure.

And now, that time was being wasted. The steel toe of his jackboot tapped against the marble floor, a steady rhythm counting down the seconds. He had a habit of noting even the smallest grains of sand that slipped through his fingers, and for someone who slept as little as he did, he was still too irritated by the situation to try and make productive use of it.

There came a softer tapping that was outpaced by his own. Then, the scent of something even far less favourable suddenly overwhelmed him–raw, rancid meat, with a musty undercurrent of desiccated fabric and blood. Gortash could almost feel the nauseating cocktail crawling over his clothes and skin, and covered his mouth with the back of his hand. He turned around to find a small, stooped figure, hooded in a tattered antique cloak with its hands clasped behind its back.

Gortash did not bother to tilt more than his eyes downward as he spoke, nor stop his lip from curling in disgust. “May I ask, did Lady Savienna fail to deliver the entirety of the sum I paid for this visit? Or were you really off squandering my precious evening, laying with long-butchered swine as your keen fetor suggests?”

The figure calmly folded back its hood to reveal what appeared to be an older, balding gnome with a thick silvered beard and many scars. Its eyes were beady, mischievous, and discriminating, which Gortash instantly clocked as owing to fey ancestry. Whatever this thing really was must have been almost too perverse to conceal.

“Oh, she did, my Lord. Yes, quite the substantial—and, dare I say, grandiose—donation,” the gnome twaddled, with a bow that was unreasonably low. “An adequate token of your respect.”

“Clearly not entirely adequate, seeing as it failed to guarantee something as simple as your punctuality,” Gortash’s jaw clicked. “Respect, indeed.”

“It is enough to guarantee you a chance to walk out of this meeting alive, my Lord, and nothing more,” the creature’s voice lilted with false deference, an almost mocking tone that bore no obvious threat.  “You see, when encountered, Banites are normally afforded the dignity and lesser mercy of a swift and relatively painless death—of which, I am certain you’re aware.” It added with a hint of amusement, “The ones that don’t go so quietly make for sacrifices that are most fruitful.”

Gortash’s gauntleted fist clenched reflexively as if it desired to crush something. He was already out of patience, but he refused to let himself be goaded. “Then consider them part of my ‘donation’, and stop wasting my time.”

The gnome cowered ever so slightly, but still, somehow Gortash had the distinct impression that it was nowhere near afraid of death.

“My proposal is thus,” Gortash began, his voice sharp and compelling even at normal speaking volume, “I will offer a doubling of your meeting fee in order to secure the particular assistance of one of your assassins in carrying out a targeted heist three tendays from now.”

“Oh, my, a down payment?”

“Depending on how we fare, there may be far more vested interest in it for you than the scope of this contract.”

“---and the potential for subsequent contracts. You make it sound like a most lucrative opportunity,” the gnome chuckled affably as it squinted up at him.

“I do not deal in any business that is not.”

“Yet, in this instance, you seek our help. It must be something terribly difficult to pull off, if someone such as you does not think himself solely capable.”

“I am more than capable,” Gortash flashed. “Trust that I would not have arranged this meeting had I not been given an unequivocal order to do so.”

“Interesting. It seems you are as ambivalent about this as we are,” the gnome grinned widely, showcasing a disarray of sharp, spoiled teeth. “In that case, I’ll humour you. Tell me, what is it that you’re planning to steal?”

“For now, I plan only to return something that was stolen from you.” The impish creature’s patronizing facade faltered, and it looked genuinely confused. “And what benefit is that of yours?”

“Nothing such that you’re entitled to hear,” Gortash replied dismissively, “but I will tell you why I require your services.”

He continued, keeping with an air of complete confidence and immaculate poise as he began to pace, all part of the hustle. 

“This job has particular challenges, and requires a particular approach sufficient to mitigate them, hence the long turnaround. What I seek from you is someone who is able to enact a series of seemingly unrelated murders, enough to alarm and distract the general populace, and more importantly, the Grand Duke, for the days leading up to the heist.” He stopped pacing and turned, pinning the gnome with a pointed look. “You know the one amongst your ranks of whom I speak.”

“Hmm, hmm. Yes, perhaps that does sound familiar,” the creature nodded along slowly, wringing its hands seemingly by rote. “Allegedly, one of ours made rather a name for themselves, nigh 15 years past. As they say, all those murders were the work of one very clever, exceptionally vicious Bhaalspawn, though they never did quite figure out who was responsible...” 

Gortash nodded. “A spotless record.”

The Bhaalist took a long, deep breath through its nostrils. 

“Keeps us respectable,” it said as it straightened its posture, cleared its throat and continued, “And, fortunately for you, I do happen to know the very one of which you speak. I also simply must profess that I have the unique privilege, and indeed, the requisite finesse, of serving them at a personal level...” and on it went, describing in exorbitant detail its distinguished affiliation and stewardship of its vile master, a decidedly sadistic and depraved individual, the leader of Bhaal’s contemporary cult–which really just made this whole idea all the less appealing from Gortash’s point of view. 

He had no idea what to expect. His dealings with Bhaalists had never been easy or pleasant, if such a thing was even possible. He preferred prudence and wit to mindless, unnecessary carnage from his underlings. Though he reasoned that their leader must have some modicum of each to keep them as organized and prolific as they were.

He had begun to pace again, this time in circles around the effusive creature as it rattled on. “Yes, yes—they sound simply delightful. Might they be persuaded to discuss this face to face?”

It pondered concernedly for a moment. “You see, this particular assassin that you’re referring to… they are one of our most accomplished, most venerated–”

“Your leader, yes. Which is precisely why I have sought them out.”

“You are well informed,” it admitted with an edge of spite. “But that does not gain you anything. They have a great deal of responsibilities, my Lord. Running the temple worship daily is no small feat, what with our cult now being so prosperous, so vital as it once was–”

“You will have your daily sacrifices,” Gortash interrupted. 

“Surely we have other suitable operatives of equivalent skill–”

“You do not. I will only work with another possessing capability and merits comparable to my own. As far as I’m aware, Bhaal only has one Chosen.” Gortash held his hands behind his back. “All I ask of them yet is a chance to meet and discuss my proposal properly and in detail.”

The gnome thought for another long moment before relenting with a grudging look. 

“Our Lord, pragmatic as ever, is receptive to any proposed Banite alliance, as long as you make it worth his while. Though…” and as it casually inspected the ragged fingernails on its hand, there was an especially sinister bent to its ever-present smile, “a Banite sacrifice is in most cases worth more than anything you could offer us otherwise,” it said before it looked Gortash in the eye. “Especially one of your status.”

“I look forward to making their acquaintance,” Gortash quipped back with a beleaguered smirk. “Now, shoo. And do pass along my invitation, will you? I shall await a response.” He swept past the decrepit thing without formality, glad to finally be rid of its air, and out into the azure cast of near-dawn.

#bg3 fanfiction #bg3 #baldur's gate 3 #baldur's gate 3 fanfiction #fic #work in progress #fic wip #wip sunday #durge:lilith #gortash #enver gortash #lord enver gortash #durge #the dark urge #bg3 dark urge #gortash fic #goretash #durgetash #gortash x durge #gortash x durge tav #gortash x dark urge

[theflyingfeeling]

thoughts that kept me awake last night (writing them down now so maybe I'll be able to sleep tonight)

1

I know I'm unemployed against my own will and that it's not my fault there haven't been many job openings related to my degree+experience in the area where I live and that the whole recruitment shit works a bit differently in my field, but I still can't help but feel guilty about not having done enough, and because I haven't done enough, I don't deserve to have a nice, relaxing summer. I'm a teacher, so I wouldn't be working during the summer anyway (which made me guilty enough last summer; how come some people only get about 4 weeks off during the summer months, but I get to have two whole-ass months? not fair, not deserved, guilt guilt guilt), but now that I haven't been working all winter/spring safe for some random substitution gigs (2½ weels being the longest one), it feels so wrong to spend the summer doing shit-all. I don't deserve to sit in the sun enjoying myself, I don't deserve to go out and about, I don't deserve to do nice summery things, and I most definitely don't deserve to travel abroad.

My friend and I have plans to go to Paris late July, but it’s gonna be pricey (the flights in particular), so I'm hesitant about going through with the plan. It's not like I couldn't afford it - I have lived rather economically over the years and have a bit of money saved up for various purposes, travelling being one of them - but I feel like I shouldn't be spending money on such inessentials, because I haven't been doing anything to deserve it. I haven't been working hard enough to find a job, I'm not ready to move elsewhere because of a job, I haven't been looking for job opportunities that are outside my specific field, I haven’t contributed to society in any way, therefore I don't deserve to do anything this summer except sit inside and pretend I don't exist, because if I'm not beneficial to society, I should not be exploiting its services. I don't deserve it, but I really, really, really wanna go to Paris 😭

My life's been more or less the same for the past 10 years; who's to say it won't continue this way for the next 10 years, and the next 10 years after that? I know someone with a more positive mindset might say but what if it does change, but if my life hasn't changed for the past 10 years, what are the chances of it changing in the future? Like, do you get what I'm saying? 😩 Again, I understand certain experiences don't have a due date, but I feel like if those things were to happen at all, they would've happened by now? I want to believe I deserve more from life than this, but what if this is all I deserve? An empty, quiet, meaningless life.

2

Somewhat unrelated but bothering me just as much: I so happy for all my mutuals embracing their identities during pride month, but at the same time I feel like a bit of an outsider because the only thing I identify as is 'failure', and instead of pride I feel extreme shame about what I am, that is to say... nothing? I know everyone has their own path in life and that there is no set schedule to certain life experiences, but it doesn't erase the fact that I'm nowhere near where I always thought I'd be by now. And I know I'm still relatively young and that I still have time to achieve all those things and have those experiences and blabla, but I feel like the more time passes, the harder it gets to get any closer to those things. I know I have time now, but I won't always have time.

I have nothing, I am nothing. I don't belong anywhere.

#tl;dr - local girl being unreasonably mean to herself #writing helps a little when my head gets too heavy #i'm alright now and last night i was just lying awake in my bed tossing and turning #but you should've seen me on tuesday 😂 that creature was inconsolable #sending my love to anyone struggling whether it's bc of similar stuff or something else entirely 💖

[badlydrawnwaywardvagabond]

hi its been two months sorry

i didnt realize how long it had been until saturday. (happy late 4/13?)

tldr i swear ill be back some time in the next... month and a half. school is hell and so is burnout. im gonna try to at least answer a couple asks but there prolly wont have art. full explanation under the cut

-mod kat

ok so basically burnout hit me like a sack of bricks to the head and ive done basically jack shit except school for the past two months. finals are at the end of may so final units are fast approaching. on top of that, i have a convention to go to immidiately after finals and my cosplay wig isnt done. i am officially in Project Crunch Time Hell.

on top of that, my adhd ass cant stick with one project so now i have an ETSY in the works, along with a FULL LENGTH MSPFA, multiple fics (one of which might become a SECOND mspfa), multiple standalone art pieces, animations/animatics, minicomics, and even a couple SONGS in varying levels of nowhere-near-doneness.

needless to say, i have maybe stretched myself just a bit too thin. just a little.

taking all of this into consideration, i kinda just. forgot about this. i havent really had access to discord for the last couple months either, which isnt helping. i have no idea whats going on with 90% of the badlydrawn blogs rn.

so. heres the plan.

i will answer asks as soon as i can. some might not have art.

i will be mostly avoiding major arcs, save for one thats been planned for a while.

posts will likely be few and far between for the sake of my sanity.

thank you for your patience.

-mod kat

(ps. to all the mods who were helping me - FUCK im so sorry i didnt mean to disappear like that i will make it up to yall somehow i swear. esp badlydrawnreader mod and kripsy i am SO sorry!!)

#ooc #update

[annoyinglandmagazine]

Lesbian Halenthir pt 10

Haleth didn’t mean to say it. She knew that whatever was going on between her and Moryo it was doomed to eventual failure and pain. After all she was only a ripple in the immortal life of an elf. But in this one matter these two infinitely logical women lost the ability to think clearly or rationally.

Caranthir had noticed the state of Haleth’s cloak when they’d begun to undo their armour and immediately demanded to have it handed to her. Haleth had been confused but passed it over and Caranthir had crossed her long legs and sat on the ground, taking out the thread and needles that she’d kept in her skirts, because of course she had. Who didn’t keep sewing materials in pockets under their armour while fighting.

Haleth had set to sharpening her sword next to her but found it hard to focus. Moryo was focused on her task and her long pale fingers moved nimbly while her curtain of hair, that she had slipped out of its braids, spilled over her shoulders and all the way down her back and around her in inky waves. She had started to embroider the most beautiful roses unto it once she’d finished and flushed as red as them once she realised that Haleth had noticed, pulling her eyes back down to her hands and nervously pushing a strand of hair behind her ear. And Haleth’s resolve weakened as she was overcome by deep affection for the person in front of her. The words were out before she could think of them fully.

‘I love you.’ Caranthir stopped, feeling her eyes widen, hardly able to believe what she had heard. ‘You don’t mean that.’ She said abrasively, angry at herself for doing this to Haleth. How could she deceive such an incredible person into falling in love with someone who never existed? For it must be that she’d presented herself falsely to her, no one would ever be capable of loving her if she had been honest.

‘What, am I too unintelligent to understand the meaning of the words I say? Too unsophisticated to know my own feelings? For how could a mere mortal understand the concept of love?’ Haleth was fuming her words practically spit out as she rose from the ground to glare at the elf. This was right. She should be angry at her, Caranthir must have been genuine here, anger was the correct response when she spoke. So Caranthir did what she did best. She straightened up to look Haleth in the eyes, squared her shoulders and yelled.

‘I’m a monster! I killed people, innocent people, my hands are drenched in their blood! My insignia, my face, my sword or my name invoke fear and hatred in most of my species, even in the children, those who have done nothing to invoke my wrath! I taint and burn all those who are unfortunate enough to know me let alone love me! I’m vengeful, harsh and too weak to stand up to my father or brothers even when they lead us and our people even further into doom for our crimes! Whoever you think you love they are merely a fragment of your imagination! A monster is all I will ever be and if you think there was ever anything more than that it is either the product of deception or wilful ignorance.’

Haleth refused to take a step back or flinch at Caranthir’s words looking straight into those dark blue eyes, now glistening with tears that refused to be shed. When she spoke she kept her voice level ‘I am not here to analyse your every decision and action and look into your every motivation to cast judgement on whether or not you deserve to be punished. I will not do this because I am nowhere near absolved of all wrongdoing myself and I cannot tell you if you are a good person because I do not believe such a thing exists in this world. I know only that you may well be all these things you have spoken of but you are also the Carnistir that I have known these past months and that elf may not be a good person but it is certainly a person with depth and most definitely a great deal more than a monster. And know that I love you not as some bewitched deceived victim but only as a woman who loves all the aspects of another so much they feel they could burst. And if you do not feel that my love could ever be enough to understand the depths of an immortal elf just tell me and you need never be bothered by it again.’

Caranthir sank to the ground pulling her knees to her chest while the first silent tears slipped past her defences. She whispered then her voice barely audible, ‘I do not deserve it. You should give it to someone else, someone that is even a fraction of the person you are, or at least deserving of any form of love from anyone. I am not.’ She was aware of Haleth kneeling next to her. Then like a jolt of lightening she felt her cup her chin, pulling her face gently upwards to look her in the eyes. She waited for a response for Haleth to realise her mistake and get out while she could. She was probably being kind to her, letting her down gently with one last show of affection. More proof that Haleth was far kinder than she deserved.

‘You are. You deserve all the love on this world. I could not give my heart to any other even if I wanted to, ever since I first saw you that day, like a figure from legends. And I would not even if I had the choice for my choice would always be you. You are the first person I’ve ever known to look at me and really see the person I am and I feel more secure in that person every day just knowing that if someone as strong and intelligent as you can look at me with so much warmth I must be doing something right.’ Moryo suddenly wrapped her arms around Haleth, collapsing unto her shoulder to quietly sob. Haleth hugged her back and the knelt together in each other’s arms on the floor for what felt like hours. Caranthir then spoke into Haleth’s shoulder. ‘I love you to. So much.’

#Silmarillion #tolkien #I thought I was going to write something fluffy and then Moryo’s self loathing crashed in like a freight train and demanded to be addressed #Caranthir needs a hug #Caranthir gets a hug because Haleth is a great girlfriend #Lesbian Halenthir #caranthir #Female caranthir #Halenthir #haleth #lesbians

[nothingunrealistic]

review roundup: billions 7x12 “admirals fund”

here we are at the end of all things billions! at least until the spinoffs start! what did reviewers think?

New York Times: ‘Billions’ Series Finale Recap: The Last Battle

Am I at a loss for words over the series finale of “Billions”? That depends. Do hooting and hollering count as “words”?

REAL.

There’s no other way to put this: In its final hour, “Billions” delivered, and delivered, and delivered. It saw what it needed to do — spend 45 minutes beating the living snot out of Mike Prince, and the remaining 15 minutes depicting beloved characters being really nice to each other for a change — and by God did it.

i think it could have delivered a little better on both fronts, but good efforts were made.

It’s clear from the confidence on the faces of Taylor, Bobby, Chuck and Wendy in the first shot that things are nowhere near as dire as they seemed at the end of the previous episode. Kate’s arrival on the scene moments later only confirms what I’d come to suspect last week: The forces of good had an inside woman, who for two months has been undermining an oblivious Prince. But wait, there’s more! Philip, too, is a double agent, and has been from virtually the moment Prince ruined Philip’s mentor. His big show of distancing himself from Wendy’s scheme was just that, a show. And while Kate really did ferret out the anti-Prince conspiracy on her own, she ratted it out to Mike as a way of furthering it, not destroying it. Every move Kate and Philip have made since — most importantly allocating sole control of investing power to Philip, then outsourcing all investing decisions to Winston’s algorithm — has been made with the destruction of Prince in mind.

and we love that for everyone involved! …except winston. who was, inexplicably, not involved despite being essential to the success of team kill prince.

Prince’s subsequent meltdown, climaxing in tossing a printer through Wendy’s glass wall — a scene teased in the season premiere — is an absolute joy to behold.

yes!!! it was a printer!!!

Even Scooter’s bacon gets saved. Following Prince’s defeat, the man Wags calls the best second-in-command he’s ever seen quits the ex-candidate’s employ to go it on his own, leaving Mike completely alone. He now finds himself with $100 million — the exact same amount left to Prince — thanks to his nephew Philip. The two men patch things up before Scooter leaves to pursue his dream: to become an orchestral conductor at last. All our heroes get that kind of emotional send off. In pair after pair, they make their peace and call it a job well done: Axe and Taylor, Axe and Wendy, Wendy and Taylor, Scooter and Wags, Wags and Axe — and of course Chuck and Axe, who shake hands and agree that while they may once again cross swords in the future, they’ll do their best to keep it clean in the interim.

hmmm seems to me like there’s a pretty important pairing of two characters mentioned in these paragraphs that Didn’t get a much-deserved sendoff!

Chuck and Wendy are happy. Axe and Wags are happy and possibly moving to Miami for a spinoff.

😏😏😏😏😏

You could complain that this is all too pat, too easy. You could say it’s not reflective of how things work in the real world. You could make an argument that Prince should have won, or that Axe and Chuck should have gone out in a metaphorical murder-suicide situation, like Will Graham and Dr. Lecter at the end of “Hannibal.” You could say all of that, and I’d simply ignore it. Long one of the most sheerly entertaining shows on television, “Billions” closed out its run by doing the most entertaining things it could. If we in the real world have so far failed to defeat our Prince-style villains, so what? The central conceit of “Billions” is that Chuck Rhoades and Bobby Axelrod are, each in their own way, the cleverest people in the game. The game is over, so let them sink that battleship, let them connect four, let them pass go and collect $200. The message of “Billions” is that you need great people to defeat Great Men.

fair enough. i can respect that brian & david decided to end things by making the fans happy rather than making them mad, whether for Realism or for schadenfreude. i’m just annoyed that their mental picture of True Billions Obsessives Who Deserve Fanservice is so narrowly drawn.

The awful compliance officer Ari Spyros gets a big reward from Axe, despite never having done a single decent thing in the course of the series. (Or in the course of his life — am I the only one who remembers he weaseled his way out of sexual assault charges in college?)

you’re not the only one! really makes you wonder how the writers chose Which characters, exactly, deserved to be in the finale and become fabulously wealthy about it.

In this cameo-heavy season, were there any characters from the past you wanted to see again but didn’t? I missed Lara Axelrod (Malin Akerman), who was initially a quarter of the show’s core foursome; Dr. Gus (Marc Kudisch), the bombastic performance coach I once thought was as valuable an addition to the cast as Taylor, introduced at the same time; Oliver Dake (Christopher Denham), the officious government watchdog who seemed every bit as canny as his quarry right until the moment he was beaten; and Catherine Brant (Julianna Margulies), the Chuck Rhoades love interest lost to pandemic logistics.

this list manages to miss out my entire list, which boils down to “every previous character primarily or solely relevant to taylor.” oscar! sara! douglas! lauren! winston once he was fired and in a context that let him interact with taylor again! (also, lol and lmao at sean having once thought dr. gus was as valuable an addition as taylor.) OH ALSO: i would have loved to see the return of savion, the kid who lived in axe’s former house and whom axe promised to be there for if he ever needed help.

I adored the way Axe revealed that his destruction of Mike’s fortune was a fait accompli: “Not doing, Mike. Done.” It reminds me of “Watchmen,” and (spoiler alert) Ozymandias’s jaw-dropping statement at the climax of Alan Moore and Dave Gibbons’s seminal superhero comic: “I did it 35 minutes ago.”

yeah, that was fun.

Watching Philip emerge from the rubble of Prince Cap intact while his superiors fled in disgrace, I suddenly realized what the purpose of this character is in the context of the larger Mike Prince story line: He’s the guy who wins. In the end, he’s simply smarter and cannier than his uncle Scooter and would-be mentor Mike. I suddenly find myself hoping he sticks around for one of the rumored “Billions” spinoffs.

philip is a winner because he wins! he motherfucking wins!! (of course, if the writers knew what was up, he could have been “the guy who’s a Peer / Partner / Equal to taylor in a way no one else really has been,” and maybe even “the guy who goes with taylor as they walk away from the rest of their life.” i would love to see him in a spinoff too, especially if taylor is there.)

Vulture: Billions Series-Finale Recap: Take the Money and Run

five stars!

Ladies and gentlemen, presenting the warmest and fuzziest episode of Billions ever!

hey, could you say that first part again?

Ladies and gentlemen,

yeah. that’s what i thought.

Sure, co-creators Brian Koppelman and David Levien, who wrote the series finale, gave us the expected tension-filled hour featuring a super-elaborate scheme, a Steve Miller Band soundtrack, and no shortage of double-, triple-, and quadruple-crossings.

i don’t think it went beyond double-crossings. triple- and quadruple-crossings would only really come into play if we got something like the fake reddit spoiler ending wherein, quote: “Chuck arrests Axe and from prison Axe uses a burner phone to have Wags leak the contents of the flash drive to that reporter guy. Chuck gets arrested and disbarred and ends up in the same cell as Axe.” but the warmth and fuzziness didn’t really allow for any of that.

While Wendy and Taylor demonstrated evolution by forging new career paths — with even Wags hinting he won’t stick around Axe Global for long — Chuck and Axe are literally back to doing the same things they were up to when Billions began: Axe, for all his talk of freedom at the start of the season, is now … the head of his namesake hedge fund.

i do enjoy the irony that the three people who were desperate to bring axe back at the start of the season are all leaving, or looking for ways out, now that he’s back on his throne. not so great when he’s sticking around long-term, is he?

After seven seasons of selfish, mercenary plays, this was the one time when (nearly) everyone worked together for the greater good, proving the season’s overarching theme: Nurture your friendships because you never know when you’ll need those friends to help vanquish your enemies.

which is almost exactly what axe told prince at their first standoff in 7x10! and prince should have listened, because his failure to focus on his supposed friends and allies brought him down!

Taylor hacks into Michael Prince Capital’s risk-management algorithm (thanks, Winston!) and reprograms it to “zig when it’s supposed to zag.” Philip then merely follows his boss’s orders by deploying all capital and insisting that the algorithm do its work.

here’s how taylipton can still win

As part of the tension build-up, we get more warm and fuzzy farewells between Wendy and Taylor, and even Chuck and Dave Mahar, the latter of whom is also part of the Mike Prince takedown: The New York State attorney general played a key role in ensuring the SEC didn’t let Prince or Scooter put a stop (or reversal) on any of the trades made by MPC that day.

dave & chuck’s last interaction > wendy & taylor’s last interaction.

Philip may have turned on Prince, but Scooter will always be his family: He protected his uncle’s account while draining Prince’s coffers, leaving Scooter with about $100 million and a fitting term of endearment: “Maestro.”

:')

It is a rare feat where one of the most abhorrent characters in recent television history can make me cry. So I have to give the highest accolades to Koppelman and Levien for writing such an impeccable scene — and to Jeffrey DeMunn, who managed to get my tears flowing without losing one hint of Senior’s repugnant essence (comparing Chuck to Phil Spector? Typical Senior).

skill issue.

Axe gives both Wendy and Taylor the hard sell, but neither will be swayed. The one consolation is that this version of Axe lets Wendy and Taylor go with grace. He even offers Taylor the old Axe Global office for a philanthropy organization. When they arrive at the empty location, there’s one last gift waiting for them: a placard reading “The Taylor Mason Foundation” with a familiar TM logo. Stop making me cry, Billions!

yeah, that got me. especially when i figured out it had to have been axe who had that sign put there.

It took seven seasons, but Billions eventually got the memo: Work doesn’t have to be the center of your life.

that’s not the impression i got from this episode, lmao. basically everyone is either returning to their old job or moving on to a new job. the closest we get to anyone going “fuck this, i’m quitting and going to hang out on the beach” is wags’s plan to Maybe go down to miami for unspecified purposes.

So much for my theory that Dr. Mayer was secretly working with either Axe or Prince. But I agree she’d make a great Wendy replacement at Axe Global.

i would be shocked if she even accepted the offer to work there. after all that about wendy keeping her patients imprisoned on a hamster wheel, why would dr. mayer take up that baton? and how many of the axe globetrotters who’d had her as a therapist and been dumped by her in favor of wendy would want to let her back in?

Fan Fun with Damian Lewis (Damianista): Billions on Showtime, Season 7 Episode 12: Admiral’s Fund (Series Finale)

We now go back to eight weeks ago: Kate invites Wags to a meeting after their elevator talk in Episode 6 The Man in the Olive Drab Tshirt. Wags arrives at his favorite burger place Joe Junior with a big appetite but loses it as soon as he sees Wendy there also waiting for Kate! And Taylor joining them in a few minutes means they have been busted. However, thanks to Wendy’s super human persuasive powers, Kate decides to put her country before her personal interests and joins them.

wendy’s superhuman persuasive powers that we had to imagine for ourselves since the writers didn’t show us one word of sacker Actually Being Convinced to join team kill prince! for some reason!

And, lo and behold, Philip is in! Wendy just makes sure that the two of them have a meeting in Wendy’s office in which Philip openly says he would not participate in whatever Wendy, Taylor and Wags are plotting against Prince and so Prince keeps him close.

correction: philip says he won’t participate in “Whatever [Wendy], and Taylor, and I don’t know who else are thinking about doing” — no mention of wags, likely because there’s no plausible way for philip to have theoretically sussed out wags’s involvement on his own, and mentioning him would give away too much. (i still wish we’d revisited the waiver that philip allegedly signed, whether or not it was real.)

Remember Season 4 Episode 12 Extreme Sandbox where Axe sends Rebecca on a retreat with Wendy and destroys her business while she is off the grid? And now the rebels are doing the exact same thing with Prince.

well that’s also tied to prince and scooter going off the grid earlier this season at the killer mike listening party. which is how wags and then philip acquired the signoff power that’s central to destroying prince's billions while he’s off the grid again. bit more relevant.

As MPC is taking major hits, Philip says that their “the infant car seat of algos” will protect them.

while you were studying the blade i studied ISOFIX so i could make you the very best infant car seat in the world <3

And the two of them, finding their way back to who they were when they first met, make Bryan’s dream come true and have his law license reinstated. I remember that Orrin Bach is Bryan’s professor from law school and, who knows, his law firm may have a spot for him!

not sure if it’s “his” law firm now that bach is officially axe’s general counsel, but hey, maybe!

When Prince gets into the office yelling at Peach to find Wendy fucking Rhoades for him, he realizes that she is actually here. And he grabs a printer and throws it through Wendy’s glass walls!

yes! it was a printer!

Remember that Prince had Winston change the algorithm parameters in Episode 11: Axe Global to reduce profit temporarily as an objective to protect the downside.

sacker had winston do that, actually, though on prince’s orders. seems like a relevant distinction knowing that sacker was on team kill prince at the time.

Prince finds his way to see the one man whom he still trusts. I admit I was wrong about Scooter. I think I have read too much into the “Murder on the Orient Express” reference that Wendy made to Wags in Episode 4 Hurricane Rosie.

YA THINK?

That is why I firmly believed that Scooter would join the rebels, but he did not. He was loyal to the end but now he wants to go find his own way. And when Prince insists that their mission was righteous and they just hit a snag, Scooter has a few words to say: “I can’t say I committed blindly to it but I was blinded along the way by my sense of fealty. Loyalty to you.” So he knew there was nothing righteous about the mission. He was just loyal.

billions characters (and writers. and actors.) love to emphasize Loyalty as one of the highest possible virtues, and billions fans love to go right along with that in their assessment of who is or isn’t Worthy. this is a great illustration of why i disagree. what’s admirable or virtuous about loyalty to a bad actor or a bad cause?

And here is the dozen I believe that have actively participated in taking down Prince! [PHOTO GRID: Taylor, Chuck, Wendy, Axe; Wags, Dunlop, Philip, Sacker; Dave, Mafee, Ira, Senior]

once again you are reading too much into the Murder on the Orient Express reference and it’s making you forget, or leave out, people who actively participated in taking down prince! allerd! hall! derek! bach didn’t do much but he was at the team kill prince extended edition meeting at chuck’s house in 7x11! winston didn’t deliberately participate but his work was crucial to taking down prince!

So the plan is to siphon the employee money into the Admirals Fund and buy the natural gas stocks when the price hits the  bottom. I believe this is the algo that Taylor works on when Axe enters their office and tells “the kid” to work with him going forward. 

no, that was winston’s risk management algorithm that was reworked to put prince’s money at risk. moving employee money to the admirals fund was mafee’s job. see, right after the news about collusion in natural gas starts hitting:

TAYLOR: The account’s available to you. You poised and ready for when it’s time? MAFEE: Hell yes, I’m ready.

and this is shortly after spyros confronts philip over a long-dormant account that mysteriously contains cash.

With the Admirals Fund play, Taylor has probably exceeded their $1B target so they are determined to leave the world of finance to go into philanthropy. So putting aside his dream of “you and me, together again, kid” and, as a last act of charity, offers his protege the Axe Global HQ in the city. When Taylor arrives there they find “Taylor Mason Foundation” written over itAxe and Wendy has been the most intriguing relationship in Billions. I know that a lot of fans wanted them to get together as a couple, and they were close in Season 5. But I have always admired their deep friendship and written a 10-part series on their relationship – go figure!

i copied and pasted this paragraph exactly as it appears in damianista’s review. she started talking about axe & wendy quite literally in the middle of discussing taylor’s ending. great work. now everyone brace yourselves for a terrible sentence written about this show that isn’t about rian, amazingly.

I believe that a man and a woman can have a relationship based on care and trust without any sexy time.

straight people are really something.

Dr. Mayer. I was wrong about her. I thought she was sharing information with Scooter. And I also thought Rian would use the fingerprints she collected from Prince somehow. Billions has made me such a cynical person! 😀

once again: skill issue. there were no fingerprints!!!

While I am happy to report that the final season has granted almost all of my expectations, wishes, and fantasies, the scene that makes me the happiest is to see Wendy and Chuck say these words: WENDY: I hoped you’d be here. CHUCK: I’m always here. As they have a family dinner at the Hibachi complete with Bryan’s show their smiles are genuine. These two belong together.

can anyone out there conceive of the most important relationships in wendy’s life not being with chuck and axe? or any other shitty men? hello? it’s so dark in here

Entertainment Weekly: Billions recap

yet again no entertainment weekly recap. anticlimactic!

Fan Fun with Damian Lewis (Gingersnap): The Unbeatable, Unstoppable, Unparalleled MVPs from Billions Season 7 Episode 12 Series Finale, “Admirals Fund”

Gingersnap Honoring Our Fathers Award – I don’t know whether to bequeath this to Charles Koppelman in memoriam, Brian Koppelman the writer/showrunner, Jeffrey DeMunn and Paul Giamatti the actors, Charles Sr. the character, or all of the above. It is not lost on me that the scene between Chuck Rhoades (Giamatti) and his father Charles Sr. (DeMunn) could be a nod/final send off – a hug to and from the beyond, so to speak – from Brian Koppelman to his father Charles Koppelman whom he lost in November, 2022.

please don’t besmirch brian’s dead father’s memory by comparing him to chuck senior. (according to brian, people often assume chuck senior was based on his father. he was not. but brian did put one (1) thing his father had said about him into chuck senior’s dialogue.)

Breaking the Fourth Wall Kudos – Wags when he seemingly sent a good-bye message to us, the viewers, but said it to Prince: “Hey man, endings are tough. Someone always ends up unsatisfied.” This one, however, wasn’t tough; this viewer is satisfied.” I’d almost bet a billion dollars the writers and showrunners were telling us fans and Billions‘ Obsessives good-bye through Wags.

they absolutely were.

Terrific Tune – Take the Money and Run by Steve Miller Band.

cosigned!

The Heinz Ketchup Walk of Shame Honor – Prince for throwing a printer through the glass walls of Wendy’s office after learning she and The Avengers have wiped out the company portfolio, locked him out of his company account and sealed the fate of his presidential run.

yes! it was a printer! (the ketchup thing is explained by the rest of the paragraph, but i don’t care enough to copy and paste it.)

The Sopranos Finale Kindred Award – This award goes to the Billions writers and showrunners for the final scene where Wendy, Chuck and their children enjoy a meal together, along with hibachi chef Bryan Connerty. Fade to black. This gave me all the feels of the The Sopranos final scene of the series where Tony, Carmela and their children enjoy onion rings together at the New Jersey diner. Albeit, no mafia hits.

just like the sopranos finale without the deliberately escalating tension or the abrupt cut to black or the implied mafia hit! so, people in a restaurant! groundbreaking!

Damianista […] Dangerous Dozen – The Revolutionaries [PHOTO GRID: Taylor, Chuck, Wendy, Axe; Wags, Dunlop, Philip, Sacker; Dave, Mafee, Ira, Senior] These men and women have actively participated in the successful revolution against Mike Prince, beating him at his own game, collectively impoverishing him and finishing his presidential campaign. I do not think anyone in their right mind wants to mess with any of them.

hey, could you say that first part again?

These men and women

and remind me who that first picture is of?

[PHOTO GRID: Taylor,

🤔🤔🤔

The Ship – Chuck and Wendy No other words needed. These two belong together.

[EXTREMELY LOUD INCORRECT BUZZER]

Lady Trader The Great Nephew Award – I think Scooter will certainly make sure that Philip gets an extra piece of pie at the next holiday get together! Philip making sure Scooter’s account was out of the fray and kept whole shows that sometimes blood is truly thicker than water.

the BEST nephew!!!

TheTailThatWagsTheDog Most Poignant Wendy-Chuck Connection? – The very first “Previously on Billions” intro was spoken by Maggie Siff in season 1, episode 2 (they obviously wouldn’t need it for the pilot). For the final episode, it was spoken by Paul Giamatti. I wouldn’t be at all surprised if that was done purposefully.

incorrect! the first “previously on billions” was spoken by lara! i double-checked just to be sure!

Time Travel Award – To Spyros, who apparently went from Manhattan to Camp David to confront the Marines and try and warn Prince and then got back to Manhattan all in the course of an afternoon. It’s 240 miles one way – even if he had Prince’s helo he couldn’t have done that in time.

the antics of the episode spanned several hours. spyros left mpc in the morning, while prince & co were still At camp david and oblivious to team kill prince’s scheming. chuck’s press conference probably happened around 1:00, since the stock prices of the companies under investigation rebounded shortly after that time, and that was after prince & co had to travel all the way back from camp david. spyros then returns right around the time axe tells everyone about the admirals fund and philip turns the tv to cnbc’s closing bell, which airs from 3:00 to 4:00 on weekdays. a cursory google for “how fast does a helicopter go” gives a range of answers that, for civilian helicopters, roughly center on 150 mph. if spyros had managed to secure a helicopter, he could have traveled the 240 miles there and back (so, 480 miles total) in 3.2 hours. up it to 3.5 hours to account for driving at both ends of the journey and getting beaten up by marines, and that’s still doable in my opinion.

Best Film Homage – I know our fearless leader Bahar likens the plot of this season to Murder on the Orient Express since Wendy references that film early in the season, but I wonder if it might also relate to other, “gather the troops to thwart a common foe” film like The Sting or Oceans 11. I could definitely see Koppelman being a fan of, and inspired by, The Sting. I half expected to see Chuck and Bobby do a little nose swipe at the end.

[brian koppelman tiktok voice] no, not Ocean’s Eleven, dude. Levien and I made the movie Ocean’s Thirteen with Steven Soderbergh.

Best Sci-Fi Reference – Taylor with the mind-meld comment to Bobby. You would figure they would be a trekkie. I assume Taylor is Spock in this case and Bobby is James Tiberius Kirk.

you don’t understand spock or kirk or vulcan mind melds and should never speak about any of them ever again.

Fan Fun with Damian Lewis (Lady Trader): “From the Trader’s Desk” All’s Well that Ends Well Billions S7E12 “Admirals Fund”

I was so happy that the show got back to it’s roots and the demise of Prince was financial and trading in nature. The series went in a political direction this season with Prince running for President, and it really wasn’t my cup of tea.

heaven forbid the show about power politics in new york get political! (frankly i wish it had gone harder on that. show us one specific policy prince wants to implement! one plank of his political platform! any part of his recurring televised speeches that isn’t just Both Parties Are Bad For Unspecified Reasons! show us a prospective prince voter and tell us why they’re voting for him!)

Kate joining the conspiracy was key. Once she was on board, she was able to let Wendy, Taylor and Wags know about the video taping Prince was doing in the office.

another thing that was implied that i wish we’d actually seen!

Mafee is ready to buy the names at the bottom, because he knows that Chuck will hold a press conference to tell the world that there is no collusion, and the stories were just rumors. Those nat gas names will take off and Axe Global will make billions. As an aside, if I had been in on the plan, I would have shorted the names before the open, cover them before Chuck’s press conference, then buy them up at the lows of the day. That way you would be making money both on the downturn and the upswing.

i would think shorting the names beforehand would open you up to allegations of insider trading, but i’m not sure how much that matters when the outcome here is already “sure there were a bunch of crimes involved in taking prince down but what’s he gonna do, sue everyone? with what money and what lawyers?”

Because Kate had Winston recalibrate the risk management of his algorithm to focus away from profit, the algorithm most likely stopped the accounts from closing the position earlier. In my strategies, I have hard stopped built into the trades. For example, if I have a position that takes a loss of 8%, it closes the position, no questions asked. It protects me from scenarios like what was going on at MPC. However, I also have a way of manually closing positions if I see a news/event that would cause a sharp decline in my position. Something Bill and Victor would have definitely done once they saw the stories around the sector. As active managers they see things that quantitative algorithms don’t see.

the algorithm did that because taylor actively reworked it to make damaging decisions, not just because Algorithms Are Insufficient.

I really loved the callbacks to earlier seasons/episodes. Whether it was Axe jumping on the desk, his wearing a Metallica t-shirt, the Talyor Mason logo, or just the whole “caper” feel to the episode, I enjoyed the nostalgia!

talyor mason. sigh.

This season Taylor has talked several times about just wanting to keep making money and keep building their reputation. That Taylor would have jumped at the chance to do amazing and vicious things with Axe at Axe Global. But Taylor must certainly remember the last time they worked with/for Axe, and not with the fondest of memories. There was a reason Taylor stole Axe’s clients (and $3.5B of possible client funds) in Season 3. They both know that things start off well between them, then take a turn for the worst (which is usually Axe’s fault). They both have changed, but not enough to make it work. Taylor has always wanted to make money and do good. Axe just wants to make money. They both realize it, and I don’t think it was a surprise to Axe that Taylor wants to do their own thing. Why else would the Taylor Mason Foundation sign already be up at the old Axe Global offices? Axe knows people, and he didn’t have to mind-meld with Taylor, who I’ve compared to Mr. Spock many times, to know that was the path Taylor would take.

again: you don’t understand spock or kirk or vulcan mind melds and should never speak about any of them ever again.

Axe will always be my spirit animal,

don’t say that again either.

but the character of Taylor will always be the one I want to have on my team. I will really miss them.

i’ll hand it to you. once.

#billions #7x12 #review roundup

[mariska]

hello tumblr friends who live in my phone i just wanted to pop in real quick and let everyone know that I Am (somehow) Still Alive since i mentioned being very sick last month and did not want anyone 2 think i had finally Expired. wish i could say i'm doing better this month but while im definitely nowhere near as miserable as i was in April, i've been spending this month trying to deal with Sickness Aftershocks that have been making all of my long term autoimmune diseases/health issues in general flare up randomly really bad at pretty much completely random times and i also have a whole new fun set of similar feeling but definitely different and 100x worse physical health problems and its been extremely difficult to try and power through all of it like i'm used to doing for the 26 years i have been alive 😔 but i'm still hangin in there. idk how at this point lmao. subconscious fight or flight survival mode i guess. i'm like 99% sure i somehow caught one of the new covid mutations in April unfortunately despite the lifelong Agoraphobia and 3+ years of effort i've done to do literally everything in my ability to stay protected against it but. thats life i guess, u leave the house one or two times masked up hand sanitizer ready to go sweating from being overheated wearing clothes that cover as much of ur skin as u can stand and other people just Dont. so. i knew it would probably happen to me eventually i just was really hoping it would not! but. i will continue surviving as best i can because i dont have any other option or choice. but that is why i've unintentionally been distant here and online in general. it was already extremely difficult getting myself out of bed and taling showers and changing clothes and brushing my teeth and remembering to eat food and drink water before but now its reached a difficulty that i literally can't have any control over most of the time and its a lot of physical/mental/emotional effort to even tap reblog on a post online or respond to a text more so than it was previously. which again was already. very difficult to power through.

anyways! uh! yeah. life update i guess. i hope you guys are genuinely doing much better than i am this year and i hope you're all able to stay safe and as relatively healthy as you can. and please please please please at the very least wear some form of a face mask in public even if you're outside and not in a tiny building. i dont say that to shame anyone here i just feel like there are a lot of well meaning good people who arent fully aware that in the US at least the pandemic is very much not over and people like myself are suffering and dying because of that and we cant be the only group of people that are still doing our best to stay protected when we have to leave the house. if you're able to get some i highly recommend N95 type face masks because supposedly they offer one of the best chances of protection as long as you're wearing it correctly and it fits your face well; there's a really great non-profit organization called Project N95 that has an official website and a huge list of various face masks in a bunch of different sizes and types to order if you don't know where to find some high quality ones and they also have a form you can fill out and submit to request an order of free masks if you can't afford to buy them; their money donation pool goes towards providing masks (and some air purifiers i think?) to low income people/organizations/work places that doesn't have the funds or resources to constantly buy expensive batches of masks and their website is super detailed and well organized and has a long list of visual and written resources and information about different mask types, ways you can help keep yourself/your community safe, etc. so i highly recommend them if you are like me and are very stressed and anxious and confused about all of that information all the time. their site should be the at the top of the search results if you google N95 Project, it has a dot org site url so thats another way you can tell its the official site.