#bc this proves youre a failure. or so you feel

[weebsinstash]

Sigh but like ok, ATSV spoilers but, that scene where Miguel is chokeslammimg and saying all that awful mean shit, which is kinda justified because from his perspective what Miles wants to do could, as far as he knows, destroy an entire universe. Well I'm such a sucker for "ok you burned me and betrayed me and now that you want my help or forgiveness, you don't get it" as a trope, so

imagine Reader being in a similar situation and of course Miguel is even starting to kind of catch feelings. You get introduced to him and the society and everything is hunky dory for a few months but, the Bad Thing Happening now has to happen to you, and, you feel hurt, you feel betrayed, you feel like all semblance of choice has been ripped away from you. Wait, you mean this super cool but massive responsibility that took you from a zero to hero... was never supposed to happen to you? You're a mistake? Like imagine you're actually doing an amazing job at being a hero and then running away from the Society, an above average gifted spider, maybe even potentially a mutant, but Miguel pins you down and says those things to you to try and get you to stop and it. Breaks you. Suddenly nothing you have ever done has ever even mattered. Wait, so they preach this horrible thing about to happen to you, that you're forcing you to not stop, THAT'S preordained, but you becoming a hero, you trying to make something of yourself, THAT'S a huge fuck up, a mistake, not supposed to happen? You don't BELONG there?

Miguel eventually comes to your cell and tries to speak to you, but you're just quietly crying and refuse to look at him. You won't talk to Peter or Gwen or anyone else, and they can't even get you to eat until you're practically vomiting from hunger and even then, it's just small, untrusting bites. They try to apologize and cheer you up but you reject any and all forms of communication and especially touch, if any of them tries to hug you, you shove them back, suddenly furious like you're about to throw punches.

You break down sobbing when you're told The Bad Thing happened, and you're asking, can you go home now? You look right at Miguel, look right in his eyes, "so you guys are going to leave me alone now, right? I get to go home and never see any of you ever again?"

That's... not quite what they wanted? You're a talented hero, just a little green! Just because you're kind of, an anomaly, doesn't mean they hate you! This wasn't personal! They realize a little too late that this didn't "forge you in the fires of adversity" or some poetic shit like that, it RUINED YOU. You hate them, you hate yourself, you hate ever donning this costume and risking your life for others only to be told it was all a mistake. You did this because you thought you were making a choice, but how is this any different than being some kind of slave, expected to burn yourself out and suffer for others?

But unlucky for you, there's some canon events Miguel will need your help with in the future, and if that means he has to atone by sticking to you like glue and forcing you to accept his mentorship as he basically drags you around forcing you to be Spiderman, then that's just what he's going to have to do. And if you turn out to be some kind of special mutant or other such creature that isn't affected by canon or shifting dimensions like they are, then, clearly there's no consequence if he wants to scoop you up for himself, right? And that will just be another reason he can have the Spider Society hunt you down with him if you ever escape his clutches

But also imagine you were destined to do something like lowkey amazing like cure cancer or develop groundbreaking tech or become one of the greatest spiders who ever lived and they check back in on you and you've like. Sold a vial of your blood to Osborne or something and you get royalties from whatever drugs he uses it for and you're just. Living a millionaire lifestyle refusing to care about anyone ever again and dont even own your spider costume anymore. Just the punishment and pain and manipulation of them realizing that they should've done things differently and they might have doomed your world in a different way altogether but also feeling guilt because they changed who you were, they don't have that person that was their friend anymore, you look at them with either hatred or indifference and just want to be left alone, and Miguel decides, ok, fixing you all up nice and better is going to become a little passion project of his

#ive also thought of like justice league applications. like with superman or batman or both #bruce realizes after you become a hero that youre a little too hard on yourself and this may actually be a bad outlet #he has you peacefully voted out of the league and everyone thinks its for your own good #they think you just need some time to breathe and not work so hard but instead you stsrt to spiral #bc this proves youre a failure. or so you feel #bruce checks on you and youre not working towards self improvement youre actually straight up getting worse #like they made you GIVE UP #atsv spoilers #atsv #sinprompts #yandere stuff

[scare-ard--sleigh]

part of me Needs the official verified foundations of decay lyrics bc i need to know exactly what the words are but part of me actually thinks the different interpretations really add something to the overall listening experience. like today i saw “you must fix your heart / and you must build an altar where it swells” (as opposed to rests) and it totally flipped the meaning and that is so fucking cool. an altar of rest vs an altar of growth; both are equally vital and you really can’t even have one without the other, so it’s super cool that there’s an ambiguity there (at least for now.) 

#mcr talk #the foundations of decay #others i've seen are 'we would all build towers of our own only to watch the roots/rooms corrode' which is one of my faaaaaave lyrics #and shortly after that 'but it's much too late you're in the race so impress/we'll press and press till you can't take it anymore' #and THAT one really really gets me too bc those are two very different feelings and i know both of them very intimately #that feeling of needing to be the best and prove yourself but you've gotten in over your head and you're about to collapse (but you can't-- #it's Much too late!!! you're in the race!!!! there is no getting out!!!! fear of failure etc etc) #and then there's the external 'we'll press' as in 'we can see the Potential(TM) locked inside you; we know you can do better; we're pushing #you to be The Best You Can Be!' and here's the thing about that feeling: it almost always accompanies the first feeling #so the lyrical ambiguity as a representation of that extremely blurred line; [chef's kiss] that was soooooo sexxxxii of them regardless of #whether or not it was intentional #also sorry i physically can not shut up about this song but please consider: it slaps

[aguineapigcouldntdothis]

hey. hey. you there. religious jew who wants to do so well because you truly do love g-d and you see His presence everywhere and you have faith in Him and He gives you everything. yes, you. if you're not a religious jew you can read this too this just isn't geared towards you.

ok now that i have your attention read this: g-d knows you. He made your body and your soul and He understands it fully. there's gonna be some times where you can't commit to something, where you can't fulfill that mitzvah. maybe you've got an amazing new job that will pay the rent and the bills youve been struggling with for months but you need to work shabbat. maybe you cant say prayers or blessings in public bc you dont feel safe to speak hebrew outside of your own home. maybe you struggle to keep up a routine and have a hard time with daily mitzvot. whatever it is i promise Hashem does not hate you and does not see you as a failure.

i definitely understand being a perfectionist and wanting to go all out. to show that you are fully devoted and that you appreciate Him at every point in your life. also lets be real sometimes you just wanna prove to yourself that you can do all these little things and that you have the discipline to do it. or you wanna impress someone else you admire. that's completely normal and those emotions are part of what makes us human (however those can be signs of underlying mental health issues so pls talk to someone if you need!). anyway, Hashem doesnt mind that we can't do it all all the time. sometimes we can't do it all ever. He knows that something is always better than nothing. we were given the gift of life, of food, of being jewish, of the torah, of everything else by g-d and we can express our gratefulness for that in so many ways and they are all important.

g-d is not that shitty teacher you had in middle school who judged you in front of the class every time your essay wasnt an A+. He created everything and gave us the joy of life and is here to guide us through us. He made us human with all of our possible emotions because that is what we are meant to be. we are meant to be flawed and without that we wouldnt even be people anymore. you're gonna have shitty days, weeks, months, even years and He understands that and even if you can only do tiny things it still matters.

#jewish #jumblr #also yes i talk about wanting to fight g-d regularly but i do love Him and i do have faith in Him and His creation #plus i have faith in humanity and i think humans are pretty cool #that includes you!! #i think anxiety and insecurities are so common in jewish ppl #and for religious jews that can manifest in feeling like we arent doing enough for g-d #makes me sad a lot of us feel that way but i get its hard to break those thought patterns

[choccy-milky]

I know there's some parts of your fanfiction where Clora has some passing feelings of jealousy because of a comment or two made by background characters towards Sebastian, but I was wondering how you think Clora and Sebastian would genuinely react to a situation where someone was actively trying to pursue him? I was just curious since the raven and the snake have a good bit of people chasing after Clora and Sebastian being jealous (cough physically violent cough)

BAHAHA seb doesnt get physically violent when he gets jealous, he just gets irritated and petty LOL. gotta defend my boi for a sec, hes only gotten physically violent twice, and once was when clora was being blackmailed/SA'd, and the other was when he was corrupted by the relic, so it wasnt REALLYYYY him.

BUT to answer the question, this is what happens when clora gets jealous LOOL basically its: she gets jealous > knows that its unfounded and seb wouldn't reciprocate, so she keeps her feelings to herself > but still cant help but feel down about it > seb catches on and makes sure to reassure her. and seb would 1000% be willing to just never talk to the other girl ever again if thats what it took BAHAHA but obvs clora would reject that and tell him thats way too extreme. and altho seb thinks its cute when cloras jealous, he also doesnt like making her feel that way, since he considers it a sort of failure on his part (like, if ur feeling jealous, it means im not proving that i love you enough LMAO) whereas for when seb gets jealous, its: he gets jealous > tells clora of his suspicions / that the dude is trying to get with her > clora tries to reassure him that its nothing, and that its all just platonic (bc it IS from her POV, whether the dude actually likes her or not, bc shes naive af) > seb has no choice but to put up with it LOL bc he's self-aware and knows he gets jealous easily, and accepts that he might be overreacting, but he'll still keep an eye on it regardless. he trusts clora but he doesnt trust the guys, and unlike seb, clora wouldnt stop talking to someone she considered a friend just bc seb THINKS they like her. unless the dude is straight up asking her out/being super bold and obvious about it, clora would just default to 'oh hes just being friendly😇 LMAO. basically seb is too jealous and clora is too naive and they both know this about themselves and each other, so they kinda have to meet in the middle on these things HAHA. for seb its like yeah fine, i might think every guy has nefarious intentions, but YOU also think every guy is completely pure and has absolutely NO romantic intentions ever LOL. but they know this so it works out LMAO (plus even if it is slightly infuriating for each other at times, seb still finds cloras naivety/innocence endearing, and clora also finds sebs possessiveness/jealousy endearing as well🥰) also unrelated but i finally changed my pfp after a year and its cracking me up. that is all

#damn i sure rambled huh..its funny cuz clora and seb kinda have this convo in my most recent chap about how theyre basically opposites LOL #and how bc of it they make 'quite the pair' LOL #i have another jelly clora scene coming up and i think thatll be the third time in my fic cloras gotten jealous #once from the girls watching him play quidditch once from natty teaching him magic and now the MYSTERY THIRD TIME #its rarer for clora to get jealous bc she doesnt jump to conclusions like seb LMAO. and also bc seb is too clingy to give her a chance LOL #ask #choccyart

[blorbologist]

Re-watching Calamity (for ~research~) and this time around Patia has really stood out to me. Of course Cerrit and Laerryn and Zerxes are showstoppers, but I decided to pay more mind to the other three members of the Ring of Brass, and just... Patia Por'co, guys. Patia Por'co.

Patia's relationship to what she knows (and does not know) is, I think, the pure distillation of knowledge is power.

She carries all her knowledge, all of Avalir's knowledge, with her, levitating, all this power at her fingertips. I think that there's something to be said with her about how generational power and knowledge are so often intertwined - children of alumni having easier access to the same academic leg up as their parents, knowing who to know, having the ins and outs of how this works handy. I don't believe any of the other members of the Ring of Brass come from backgrounds like this, and if not it's fitting that the only one that does is the one most tied to knowledge. On top of being an elf to boot, something which must amplify the consolidation of resources throughout the years.

[Shunting the rest under the cut bc oops this got Long]

I think it's interesting, too, how Patia seems extremely adept at navigating the lies and half-truths of Avalir's politics, yet reserves honesty for her friends. If someone lesser than they knows what they shouldn't, she will take that power away from them. On my relisten, I'd forgotten that one of the memories the Ring of Brass analyzes tries to throw Patia under the bus, and how quickly she shows Nidas memories proving that she did as right by him as she could. And the reveal that she and Zerxes tried to bring back Evandrin, and upon the failure she removed the painful memory at his request.

(Mechanically, too; as a wizard, her knowledge literally is her power. That's the wizard thing, baby, and if Laerryn exemplifies a wizard whose INT is intellectual skill/problem-solving, then Patia is probably INT as memory. Streetsmart and booksmart besties. Also revealing herself to goad Dean Hollow into popping back in, only to immediately Sphere her and cause the bitch to get eaten by her own spell? Maybe that's a stretch of my 'knowledge is power' bit, but it's too fucking cool of a moment not to remind you of it.)

The first time she died, it was for knowledge. Touching the Tree of Names, and she never did let it go (would she, if she could have?). When she died - that first time - did she meet the Raven Queen?

Patia's direct tie to quite possibly the second-most knowledgeable being in the Exandrian mythos (behind Ioun, but I'd argue you know a lot to handle fate and death, on top of being a wizard in life) feels very deliberate to me. The Raven Queen, the mage who did what no other could (except Vecna a long-ass time later, and only for like a day or two), was at least a contemporary. Perhaps a teacher, or mentor, or admired idol. And now Patia can't even remember her name.

It's funny how much knowledge was actually taken from Patia, between that name and her parents'. Just as she removed knowledge from others. No matter how powerful you get, even with a protective ring, you are always at the mercy of your predecessors. What they chose to do with knowledge. And what Patia chooses to do, now.

In her last moment alone, she relates this knowledge to selfishness. Her grandfather's decision to make a city fly because he and others could. The Gau Drashari's decision to keep all information about the Tree of Names secret. While I disagree with her a bit, it really rounds out knowledge is power - because it's hoarded, it's made a tool for selfishness and control. And Patia acknowledges it likely always will be selfish, but for now at least she can break this cycle.

She breaks Avalir, the model of it her grandfather holds, and sends the Librarium with all the knowledge she carries to Maya.

(I'll note that Maya probably doesn't know what the orb is or does, so sending the model library is a great way to help get that message across, too, on top of the meaning of the moment.)

When it comes time to send all of Avalir's knowledge away, it's not some mage acquaintance from another city she sends it to. Hells - she doesn't even teleport herself out, with it, to ensure its protection and proper use. She sends it to a child, a teenager, the daughter of her friend. Someone with no power, who will have nothing but her family in the Calamity. I can't quite pin down why she choose Maya. Because a teenager is innocent, uncorrupted by power? Because she wanted to give the family of her friend leverage, knowledge to rebuild, a fighting chance?

There's so much Patia did not live to know. She points it out herself that she never found love, or became a parent, all for the sake of Avalir, for knowledge, for power. To maintain the legacy that preceded her. Excellent DMing on Brennan's part to take the quiet moment, as the sphere is sent to Maya, to then put Patia in the place of a child, one robbed of the knowledge of who her parents even were.

And yet. As she sends all she has ever known away, she still reaches for it. Almost wants it back. Almost.

Her story begins and ends with a wish: happy Replenishment, grandfather. And on that fateful day, in place of the stolen tithe she and Laerryn and Nidas have been shuffling around the city, she gives her life to save the world. and she gives away the knowledge to rebuild it.

And there's nothing else she needs to know.

IDK. I think we should talk about Patia more.

#idk how much sense this makes I just. am holding Patia like one of those cool glass ornaments in my hands #it's been a while since I've written Meta and I'm still Emotional. Calamity is full of such heavy hitters I Get why she gets overshadowed #but MAN. MAN IS SHE A COOL CHARACTER. #exu calamity #critical role #patia por'co #cr meta

[nyaagolor]

SV Rivals Headcanons

I did it for team star so this feels only fair. Under the cut bc it's long

Arven:

He baby-talks to his pokemon but especially Mabosstiff. If anyone sees him doing it he will probably melt from embarrassment but it's Fine. He loves cooing at Mabosstiff and squishing its face and kissing its nose while making silly faces. "Who's a good boy" energy

He has dyslexia and is just so so so bad at traditional schoolwork. With all the work he missed he's failing all his classes, but is not really willing to ask for help because everyone knows how smart his parents are. That makes it hard for him because he thinks asking for help means disappointing them. This is especially bad with Clavell, since he's the one who talks about Sada and Turo the most (if Clavell realized this he would freak out tho, he cares about Arven a lot)

(points) inferiority complex. He's so used to being around overachievers that he's overly aware of his "shortcomings" and sees anything less than exceptional as a failure. Being compared to his parents all the time certainly doesn't help. He never gives himself credit for the things he's good at, and beats himself up too much over his mistakes. Boys who have low self-esteem to me

Related to the above points but oh man he NEVER admits when he's struggling. The cocktail of abandonment issues and low self-esteem means he feels the need to "prove himself" by never having visible issues and always working through things alone. He would rather die than cry in front of his friends. Luckily for him, everyone in Team Star is an expert at seeing through emotional facades and catches onto that pretty early so he has a support system that teases out all that buried nonsense and helps him work through it

You know those people who make food and share it with their dog? That's Arven. Mabosstiff is allowed to eat off Arven's plate whenever it wants, Arven spoils that dog rotten. They're rolling out of the Starbucks with a caramel frappe and a pup cup living their best life. Arven also bakes Mabosstiff a birthday cake every year, which is ironic because he doesn't make himself a birthday cake. Anything for Mabosstiff

I know canonically the 'raidon attacked wild pokemon but in my heart it attacked Arven, giving him a scar on his eye that he covers with his bangs. The reason the professor booked it to Area Zero without Arven is less because of the "oh they saw the 'raidon" part and more because 1. It hurt their son and they want to protect him and 2. If the League found out the professor was illegally keeping a mysterious pokemon who permanently scarred a child, they would definitely try and take it away which the professor is terrified of. They didn't explain this to Arven, however, who simply thought the professor abandoned him because they cared about the 'raidon more

Arven is very bulky and very strong. He can bench press more than anyone thinks, and is usually the guy to call if you need help lifting / carrying something. Despite his ability to snap your spine like a toothpick, however, she would much rather use his hands to help and not hurt. Boy who is so so sensitive and sweet

He loves to make cute little shapes with his food and has become absolutely enamored with the idea of bento boxes. Bunny shaped apple slices? Heart sandwiches? Sign him UP. His friends are more than happy to eat all the leftovers and scraps from his culinary experiments, so it's a win win for everyone

None of his pokemon are actually in pokeballs except for Mabosstiff, they're just free roaming. He'll call them when he needs them and they might stay in their balls for a short time, but overall they're more like work partners than pets like Penny's veevees. He managed to win all of them over with food, they just showed up at his picnics and followed him around. It's a good partnership, since Arven doesn't consider himself a traditional pokemon trainer anyway

He doesn't own any social media and is convinced all of Penny's terminally online speak is her trying to hex him. He's very content with this lifestyle and has no desire to learn anything about the web anytime soon. The benefit of this is that he hasn't seen most memes and subsequently finds them to be absolute goddamn riots. The "quieres" meme with a Maschiff was all he would talk about for days because he found it that funny

Nemona:

She is on the edge of her seat waiting for someone to send the "would you still love me if I were an Orthworm" meme to her. She figured out what her friends' natures would be based on their personalities and has a dozen page document detailing their new wormy battle strategy that she cannot wait to share

According to her, the reason she can't hit anything she's aiming for with a pokeball is because her family is descended from the King of Paldea. Because of that, they're subject to a multi-generational wizard curse where their arrows (and subsequently pokeballs) are destined to never hit their targets. No one can figure out if she's joking or not

I'm far from the first person to think this but this girl is autistic. Battling special interest, can't read the room, no volume control, relates everything to her special interest to understand it better, extremely bad at interpreting body language, fixates on tasks really easily, very often goes past her and others' limits without realizing, trouble relating to others, etc etc. Because of her obliviousness in social situations she often ends up being over-friendly to strangers and coming off far too strong, which scares people off

Genuinely, unironically does not realize her parents dropping her off with house staff and never seeing her is supposed to be a bad thing. Her friends are mortified to find out that her parents didn't show up to the League Ceremony when she became the youngest ever champion ranked trainer, but she's unbothered by it. Overall she's less sensitive to being ignored or forgotten or left by herself than any of her friends; she can vibe with solitude

She has a chronic illness. I have not thought too hard about which one but one of them, prolly related to nerve damage of some kind hence the arm brace. It leads to easy fatigue and some dull pain in her arm and shoulder, but the school doesn't know about it because she keeps conveniently forgetting to bring in the paperwork to Miriam. Dendra has her suspicions though

Ngl she gives school mascot energy. She's super energetic, genuinely loves the academy, and is hella tall which is basically a requirement for being the mascot. If she doesn't have the stamina for competitive sports she sure as hell is gonna cheer them on. Cue her rolling up to the bleachers in the most terrifying Pawmi fursuit you've ever seen in your life

Nemona is very very bad at having frank and straightforward emotional conversations but is absolutely SUPREME at cheering people up. Distraction queen. She isn't going to be able to address and solve your problems, but she can turn any bad day into a good one with some ice cream, a smile, and a positive attitude

Nemona doesn't know this but Arven doesn't like her (dw they get better). They used to be neighbors and would hang out as kids. At the time, Nemona wanted to be a pokemon professor-- she was chronically ill / fatigued so her parents encouraged her to talk to the Professor who lived in the lighthouse and maybe become a professor herself. Loving pokemon and being naturally curious, Nemona would talk their ear off for hours, but Arven just saw that as encroaching on the professor's super limited off-work time. He was pretty bitter that this other girl was getting more attention from his own parent than he was, not that Nemona ever realized that. But when the professor got the 'raidon, they became more reclusive, and Arven simply starting ignoring Nemona when she would knock on the door. It took a while, but she eventually got the hint, assuming they had moved or something and simply forgot to say goodbye. Arven is still mad about it all and finds Nemona obnoxious and overbearing, but she still thinks of him as a fond childhood friend, being none the wiser to his distaste for her. Eventually they get better

Her Pawmi / Pawmot was originally a therapy pokemon, intended to loosen any muscle spasms and help with the nerve-related pain in her arm. He's the pokemon she had the longest, but she didn't bother to train him for battle until recently

She's really bad at remembering people's faces, so she acts really friendly to everyone she sees to save herself the awkwardness of treating an acquaintance like a stranger. She also genuinely loves meeting new people and pokemon, so it's not really an act

Penny:

Penny doesn't really have a strong Galarian accent until she's yelling. She sounds like a native Paldean and then gets pissed and hits you with an "OI MATE" with enough psychic damage to kill a man

Her favorite ice cream flavor is "eeveelution sorbet" which is this giant rainbow mashup of flavor. It's lemon for jolteon, lime for leafeon, peach for sylveon, blue raspberry for vaporeon, orange for flareon, vanilla for glaceon, blackberry for umbreon and grape for espeon. Arven feels personally offended by its existence because "it's an insult to good cooking" and tastes like preservatives

In Paldea, "jelly" refers to the fruit spead, but in Galar, "jam" is the fruit spread and "jelly" is gelatin. Penny has been hearing Arven talk about "peanut butter and jelly" for ages now and is dead convinced that Paldeans just have shit taste. No one is aware of this miscommunication and just thinks that Penny hates fruit

Penny hacked the future paradox pokemon. She jailbroke Miraidon and can play compressed midi files on it and change the color of its lights. Future pokemon use super compressed files because things are better in the future and they don't need as much space, so Penny is currently working on getting past that limitation so she can play Doom on the thing

Good luck getting her to show up for class. She'll come and take tests, but god forbid it's a class that cold calls? She will literally never show up. Girl whose participation grades are Zero. Clavell does talk to her and authorize her to have Sylveon out of its ball in class because it's certified as a therapy pokemon, so its usually napping under her desk to help her cope with the anxiety of Being In A Classroom

Penny managed to convince Arven that blue raspberry is a real, albeit rare, Galarian fruit. He actually fell for it before Saguaro explained that she was lying to him. He still hasn't forgiven her for this

This woman vapes u cannot convince me otherwise. She has an eevee-shaped pen and always smells like watermelon. Luckily for her, miss student council president actually paid attention to those D.A.R.E lectures and read her the riot act when she realized what was going on, so she's being forced to quit and is a little bit grumpy about it. Giacomo is likewise disappointed in Penny's choices and has suggested she just switch to weed instead. Penny thinks this is a much more suitable compromise

Her eevee backpack is endless. Penny has pulled out snacks, flashdrives, a first-aid kit, a CD player, a toothbrush, Veevee treats, a cat-ear headband, and a taser from that thing within an hour. Anything you might need is probably inside whether or not it should reasonably fit. Hammerspace type beat

Geeta somewhat regrets hiring her. She does good work and the rest of the staff loves her, but she's also far less willing to put up with office bureaucracy things than any of the other staff and it's gonna give Geeta a migraine. One time Geeta asked Penny to work on a Saturday and she threatened to unionize. Larry thought it was so funny he bought Penny dinner. They're homies now

She can pick locks. Clavell is genuinely and rightfully terrified of her because they both know she can pick the lock to his office and completely wreck the school's security and financial system if you gave her a motive and a half hour

#nemona #penny #arven #pokemon sv #mod vex #headcanons

[scoobydoodean]

Hey there, I have SPN Thought Worms i thought you might appreciate: You know how there’s debate wether (in the biblical story) Abraham “failed” God’s test, if it was a blind loyalty test or to see if he’d put his moral and love over unquestioned orders? In the same vein, do you think Dean truly ‘failed’ Death’s test with the ring and carrying out his duties for the day? Like maybe Death actually wanted Dean to be unable to do it bc it proved he had limits or smth? Or did he just get Sam’s soul back despite the apparent failure because he has a massive soft spot for Dean? (relatable tbh). Hope I made myself clear lol, the concept is jumbled-up in my mind, and have a great day!

This is a really interesting question! I also have a feeling I'll have a lot better of an answer when I get to 6.11 on this rewatch and have the entire season fresh on my mind. That said, Death actually says in the end that the goal was for Dean to learn something.

DEATH Today, you got a hard look behind the curtain. Wrecking the natural order's not quite such fun when you have to mop up the mess, is it? This is hard for you, Dean. You throw away your life because you've come to assume that it'll bounce right back into your lap. But the human soul is not a rubber ball. It's vulnerable, impermanent, but stronger than you know. And more valuable than you can imagine. So... I think you've learned something today. (x)

I'd really like to watch through season 6 again to solidify this one for myself, but I have a feeling that this isn't about teaching Dean a personal moral lesson at all. I don't think Death is at all concerned with the fact that the nurse died because the little girl didn't from a moral perspective—he wouldn't have ever given Dean his ring if he was. That isn't why he said "good" when Dean said he would have acted differently if he could go back. We can guess it also isn't just a simple lesson about "bringing each other back" being bad and "letting go", because that'd be pretty hypocritical given Death is going to help Dean anyway with no one forcing his hand (and he tells us Dean has use). It isn't a moral issue Death's addressing. It's a lesson he's giving on the structure of the universe. It's about balance. As Death says cryptically later in the scene:

I think what Death wanted to get across to Dean is that souls must pass on, and their energy must be allotted to the appropriate areas in time and space. If one person doesn't die, passing their soul on as energy, another person must die so that a certain balance and energy level is maintained in the universe. Death plans to help Dean from the beginning, because "Right now, you're digging at something. The intrepid Detective. I want you to keep digging, Dean."

Death, as a person who can't ultimately involve himself without also disrupting balance, is ultimately hinting at Dean as best he knows how that he wants him to stop Crowley and Cas from sucking a bunch of souls out of Purgatory, creating absolute chaos. But he can't say that, so instead, he gives Dean a lesson. He tells Dean that human souls are extremely valuable, and that they need to go to the places the universe wants them to go and stay there. If they don't—if they are moved on a large scale—something terrible will happen. Death has to expect Dean to extrapolate all of this information, which is not an easy expectation to fulfill.

So I guess to summarize: I don't think Dean failed Death's test, because actually using the ring and experiencing what happened when Dean tried to change things was more of a lesson than a test. The test was how Dean reflected on the lesson after and evaluated his behavior. He passed when he said he'd behave differently if he could go back. Death wanted Dean to understand the idea of balance in the universe depending on where souls go, and how important it is not to disrupt their flow or move them around. Changing things makes bad things happen. When there's just one soul, the impact is small (something Death is willing to let Dean toy with by offering his ring for the day). But what if someone disrupted the flow of many many souls at once?

#mail #6.11 #season 6 #death 1.0

[shmolish]

can you do raspberry cookie x fem swordfighter reader

both headcanon and oneshot

AN: She was the first cookie I dated back when that dating simulator came out ♡ I'll probably do the heacanons first, and then the oneshot a bit later. (Just bc headcanons are easier to write.) This was actually so much fun to write, I wasn't expecting it-

First part is heavily inspired by the Kingdom of Romance event

Raspberry Cookie x Fem! Swordfighter! Reader HEADCANONS

Warnings: Mentions of injury (mild)

Friends ☆

You two first met when you joined the royal guard as a new member

She went to initiate you personally

Beat you VERY quickly

You said you would get on her level one day

Something sparked in her in that moment

You two started talking a lot more after that

Sometimes you'll flirt with her (But you swear it's all in good fun)

She'll get embarrassed and kick you

It really hurts

There was also a baking event once, where both of you attended

She made a slice of cake for you

She kept calling it a failure, and that just because she was giving it to you doesn't mean anything

You tried it, and it tasted really good

You realized then that you were in love with her

Later that day, she said she got a date

It made you really sad, and you felt the world crumbling around you

You told her 'congratulations' and 'im happy for you' anyway

She knew you were lying

She started to tell you that she was lying, and that the only person she'd want to spend her life with was you

Romantic ♡

You two train together all of the time

Although, she is better than you

She doesn't go easy on you either, since you practically BEG for her to go all out

You've ended up with a few injuries because of this

She patches you up very well and apologizes with kisses

She always feels really bad about it

Isn't the biggest on PDA, except for some flirting and hand holding

She acts like a tsundere, so you have to initiate most of the romantic acts

She'll act like she hates them, but she really really likes them

For nicknames, I think she'll probably call you princess (since she wants to act like your knight)

You've proved to her many times that you can defend yourself though

You may not be better than her, but you are still very good at swordplay

Whenever she comments on how good you are, you'll say something like "Well if course. Its be ause I learned from the best."

(You're referring to her and she knows it.)

(Blushes a lot)

While cuddling, she's switch. It depends on her mood, but she'll probably like being little spoon.

Constantly trying to prove herself to you

You tell her that she doesn't have to, but she still does

Goes all out on Valentine's day

I'm talking chocolates, flowers, decorations, letters, everything

Her love language is acts of service and gifts, but this especially shows on holidays

Likes showing you places as well

All in all, a wonderful, albeit somewhat shy partner. ♡ May need to work on communicating, but wtv

#raspberry cookie #raspberry cookie crk #raspberry crk #crk x reader #crk #cookie run kingdom #cookie run kingdom x reader #fem reader #fem! reader #headcanons #crk headcanons #raspberry cookie headcanons #raspberry cookie x reader #raspberry cookie x reader hc #raspberry cookie x reader crk

[sorikkung]

♕ of princes and princesses ♕ | s.mg, j.yh

✒ pairing: princess!song mingi x trans!prince!reader x prince!jeong yunho

✒ wc: 16.7k

✒ genre: royalty au, angst, romance, smut, heavy on the themes of queerness and identity

✒ summary:

"Only princesses like princes," you were all told. Mingi figured that must make him a princess, because he knows he loves the Crown Prince of Choeya, Jeong Yunho.

"You're a princess," you've been told, but you know you're a prince - and if it takes recruiting the estranged princess of Reuji to help you prove that point on your last stand, so be it.

Yunho is throwing a gala between the three kingdoms to forge alliances, and has no idea just how successful he will be.

✒ warnings! blatant transphobia and homophobia, verbal and emotional parental abuse, implied dysphoria, smut, anal (m. receiving), mirror sex, first times (mingi is a virgin), both of them have stupidly huge cocks, unprotected sex bc this is medieval times did they even have condoms? usage of the title "sir"

✒ a/n: this piece is very, very, very important to me, so i really hope you'll give it a shot! i especially invite cis readers to give it a chance to boost more marginalised identities within the reader insert community, to help even one other queer person out there feel more seen and normal. any reblogs or feedback would mean the world to me <3

as this fic is about queerness and acceptance, i will happily rewrite it for other queer identities upon request, whether that be trans woman, nonbinary, or any other shade of queerness, so just let me know!

The scalding syllables of the name that is not yours linger in the air again, ringing in your ears – the painful reminder of who you are expected to be. Princess.

“I’m not your princess,” you snarl, but like always, your words fall on deaf ears as the Queen pivots around to glare at you, shoulders tense and fists clenched.

“You are going to drop that attitude right this instant, young lady. With the gala coming up we cannot afford to have you dragging our kingdom’s name through the mud even more. Do you hear the things they say about you? First Reuji’s boy princess, and now our own Uchian Princess parading around as a prince. It’s a disgrace.”

“Yeah, just like your parenting.”

Wrong move. Nevertheless, you smile at the rage reflected in her eyes, storming towards you, but you don’t flinch. She won’t hit you. You know she won’t – such would reflect badly on her, and she has a role to play; the role of a kind, benevolent Queen. So gracious that she houses you, despite the dirt you put on her name. How generous and understanding of her, to not cast you out for the crows to finish off for defying her so constantly. Truly.

She grabs your wrist harshly and drags you out of an earshot from the seamstresses sorting out your dress, lowering her voice. “This is your last chance, child. I have been merciful thus far, but if you keep up your ‘prince’ act and ruin things any more than you already have at the gala – in front of both our neighbouring kingdoms, may I remind you – you’re out. I don’t care where you go, but it will certainly not be here.”

You swallow down the bile that rises in your throat at the threat. She’s insinuated such things before, but never has it sounded so final, concrete. You suppose perhaps she has been waiting for this – a chance for you to publicly fuck up badly enough that exiling you won’t reflect on her as a Queen, and more on you as a failure. After all, the problem has always been you, hasn’t it? No one else seems to have a problem with their name, their role, how they’re referred to or how they’re supposed to act. No, you’re just some spoiled princess who craves attention since her older sister is the heir to the throne instead. How spoiled you are, to have it all and still have the nerve to ask for some basic respect and understanding.

Who else could possibly even begin understand you, anyway? You don’t see anyone else rejecting the role they were born with, living the life of another – except, maybe, the name you hear scandalously gossiped about in the courtyard and throughout the town, the estranged firstborn of the Reujian Royal Family. Princess Mingi.

The princess, to your knowledge, is actually a man. At first you though perhaps he wasn’t, and he simply was born that way and like you, wanted no part in it – but word got around that he fell in love with a man, and was told much like you were, and only princesses like princes. He took this and decided that he would simply be a princess. It was a bold move. You respect it. You only wish you could speak with him, maybe then you’d feel more sane.

The Queen would never allow it, though, as she remains boring her eyes into yours with an icy cold warning. Whether to scream, laugh, or cry, you’re not entirely sure. Instead, you meet your mother’s gaze for a few long moments, hoping she can feel the piercing hurt and bitter hatred that seeps from your very being, and wordlessly turn around to leave. She is not worth the breath you have to spare on words to change her mind; there will be no such thing. You know that much by now.

You have better plans now, more important ones. The first step? Writing a letter and finding a way to contact the infamous Princess Mingi.

“So are you going to tell me why you’re sneaking around and trying to keep something hidden from our mother, or what?”

Your older sister blocks the doorway you were attempting to go through, leaving you without many options. Finding the privacy to write a personal letter was easy; finding someone who would be willing to keep secrets from the rest of the royal family was not, and as trustworthy as your selected messenger may seem – a pretty servant boy called Wooyoung with a fine eye for shiny stones and a certain distaste for the rules – you were not willing to bank on him not ratting you out if your sister, or gods forbid, your mother, interrogated him personally.

“Bold accusations to toss around,” you huff simply, buying yourself some time to formulate a cover. “I swear everyone’s just looking for an excuse to get me in trouble. You, too?”

The Crown Princess sighs deeply, seating herself on the plush study chair you were writing in not long before. “Not if you help me with something. And promise you won’t tell mother.”

“Now that’s more like it.”

You grab yourself a chair to sit across from her, crossing your legs and waiting for her to talk. She doesn’t meet your eye, which is rather uncharacteristic for the woman; not for her to be shy, or even anxious, but for her to be so around you. Usually, it seemed like she cared about just everyone else’s opinions except yours.

“The stable boy,” she breathes out quietly, “I think... no, I am... I’m in love with him.”

Had you been sipping a drink, you surely would’ve spat it right back out.

“The stable boy?”

“I know, I know,” she sighs, pinching the bridge of her nose and seemingly trying to shrink into herself, shield her ego from the blow of such a confession. “It’s… I don’t know. I tried to ignore it. I know Mother really wants me to find a prince or nobleman to marry, she’s been so insistent on me attempting to court the Crown Prince of Choeya at the gala… but I cannot do it. Not while I know my heart belongs with another. Not while his belongs with me.”

It’s reciprocal, then, that changes things. You let the new information bounce around in your head to really process it before offering any sort of advice or reaction; a learned behaviour taught to you by the royal court since the moment you were old enough to speak. Since, you have commonly opted to not bother filtering or formulating your responses based on other’s reactions, but this situation is far more delicate than most – at least to you. For your sister was the only one who tried to treat you the same despite it all.

“What do you want me to do about it?”

She wouldn’t have come to you just to confide a secret, you’re sure. Well, mostly sure, though royal life is rather lonely and there is a chance she came to you as the only person she could get it off her chest with, barring the stable boy himself.

“Truthfully, I don’t know.” She plays with the sleeves of her dress, staring at them like the answers lie within the intricate lace patterns. “But you’re good at these things, usually. Figuring out how to do things we’re not supposed to do. You find a way.”

“Find a way?” You scoff, unable to believe what you’re hearing. “Is that what it looks like to you? Our mother threatened me with exile this morning.”

Her movements halt, hands dropping from her sleeves and looking up at you with wide eyes. “She... surely she doesn’t—”

“She means it this time.”

The silence is deafening, ringing through your ears. She means it this time. A probability that neither you nor your sister ever wanted to face, and thought maybe, just maybe, it would never really happen. What else would keep the young going if not foolish hopes and dreams? It was a wilful delusion, one that you wished didn’t have to be over so soon.

Like usual, however, fate has other plans.

“What do you plan to do, then?” Her voice is edged with worry, more than you’ve ever heard from her before. More than you ever thought you’d ever hear from her.

You shrug. “Pack my things, maybe. She says this gala is my last chance, and if I ruin it I’m out for good. Good riddance, then,” you snort dryly, bitterly attempting to seem like this could be any sort of desirable outcome, a feeble attempt to regain any sort of control over the situation. “I’ll have to raise hell on my way out. This is going to be one hell of a party.”

“You’re not even going to try?”

“Why would I?”

It’s as clear as day to you. If there was any chance of pleasing your mother without sacrificing who you are, you would’ve done it already. You aren’t about to sacrifice who you are for the sake of what other people think. You refuse to live a lie, no matter how easy it would be. Easier on the outside, maybe.

“Is the luxury worth it if it comes with no real power, no real respect? Living as a commoner seems more appealing than this if it means I finally get seen as a man. Not being watched and scorned for my every move.”

She has nothing to say back. There’s a silent but mutual understanding that you won’t change your mind, and that she will miss you. She toys with her sleeves again, trying to think of something, and you let her. Not that you think it’ll make much of a difference, but you let her, just because.

“Court Prince Yunho for me, then.”

“Huh? Did you not miss the part where—”

“Lie. Lie to our mother, tell her you’ll shape up and you regret acting up and you want to make things right by courting the Crown Prince. Convince her that you’re the better choice to send, since if I marry the Crown Prince and he wants to lead his own kingdom and not ours, that will leave you next in line to the throne. That’d be her worst nightmare, right?”

It stings, but she’s right. She’s right, and the more you think about it, the better of an idea it seems – not just will you get the dramatic exit you would make sure you get regardless, but with a big enough scene, Prince Yunho wouldn’t want to go anywhere near your sister, nor would any other potential suitors from all three kingdoms.

“…and then I wreak as much havoc as I can in one night.” You finish her train of thought for confirmation, and she nods slowly. Who knew your penchant for disruption would ever be useful?

“Then we both win, no?”

“I don’t need to do this to win, though,” you point out. “I could get what I want without bothering. What’s in it for me?”

She rolls her eyes, folding her arms crossly. “Can’t do one favour for your older sister before seeing yourself out, huh?”

“Can’t give anything in return to the brother you’ll never see again?”

 She bites the inside of her cheek. “Alright. I’ll try and organise you a safe place to stay after it all goes down. The court still listens to me, I’m sure I can get a holiday house. I’ll say you’re my housekeeper, and then when I leave the palace, I can say I’m going there and go stay with my… my stable boy.”

“Wait, really?” Truthfully, you’re stunned. You were hoping for a memoire of hers to keep with you in your exile, maybe one last home-made meal she used to make when she picked up cooking as a hobby in her teen years. “You’d do all that… for me?”

“I would. I may not understand why being a man is so important to you… but that does not mean I want to lose the only sibling I have. It’d be different if you were married off and moving kingdoms, at least I’d know you’d be happy and well looked after – but exile is not so kind. You deserve this kindness.”

Suddenly feeling indebted to your sister, you crush her in a hug far too tight and too improper for anyone else to see, but she isn’t as surprised as you anticipated. She hugs you back, holding you just as tight, and no more words are needed to express your gratitude, nor her appreciation for you so rarely voiced.

When you finally pull back, you’re smiling genuinely for the first time in far too long.

“Thank you. I’ll make sure this gala is unforgettable – but first, I need to rewrite a letter.”

Dear Your Royal Highness, Princess Mingi of Reuji, I hope this letter finds you well.

I’m sure I don’t need to remind you about the upcoming gala. Are you excited for it, perhaps? Or are you dreading it? You can be truthful with me, Princess. From what I’ve heard, your family sounds a lot like mine. Gatherings such as this are usually such a chore, and keeping your cool in front of such rude guests questioning the very things that make you, you… it’s tiring, isn’t it?

Word does travel. We seem to have a lot in common, I think, so I would love to meet you in person when the date arrives. If your parents are anything like mine, they’ll be warning you to stay away from me, right? Gods forbid we sully their reputation any further. I don’t know about you, but that only makes me even more keen to meet you.

Within this letter I offer you a gift – the custom-made dress my mother forced me to order as a condition to be allowed to talk to Prince Yunho at the gala. That’s a long story there, but the short of it is that my sister does not wish to marry him, and to save her the strife, I am offering to be the one from our family to court him instead. I don’t imagine I’ll actually succeed, especially once I tell him that despite what my family likes to tell people, I am, in fact, a man. Being born otherwise does not change that. Unless the Crown Prince is like us, it will probably not lead to much. If he is… well, wouldn’t that be interesting?

Anyhow, I doubt the dress will fit you, so I included some of the locally sourced, luxury fabric used to make it so your seamstress can adjust it accordingly, if you so choose to wear it. It’d make quite a statement, don’t you think? Considering your reaction to being told only princesses can like princes was to become a princess, I figured such bold statements would bode well with you. It’s a beautiful gown, truly, but alas, it is simply not me. I have a feeling it will look better on you than it ever would on me. In fact, I ordered it with you in mind – I heard you were a fan of the colour pink, and it certainly pleased the Queen to hear I was getting a dress so feminine. I’ll be fine stealing one of my late father’s suits for myself.

I apologise in advance if any part of this letter is presumptuous. If you wish not to interact with me nor wear the dress, that is perfectly fine by me. I hope you enjoy the gala either way.

Yours truly,

His Royal Highness, Prince of Uchia.

Mingi has to read the letter three times before it sinks in that he was really just contacted by the infamous Prince of Uchia. The prince, which he had heard was “actually a princess,” but dressed up in suits and cut his hair and declared himself a man to the public – that’s prince enough as far as Mingi is concerned. He had been so damn curious ever since the word got out, wondering if maybe you were like him, or at least, understood him, but the thought left his mind up until the gala between the three kingdoms was announced.

He was shocked that the King and Queen permitted him to attend, after they had forbidden him from travelling outside the city’s walls ever since he first confessed his crush on Crown Prince Yunho of Choeya, at the tender age of fifteen.

They were visiting so he could meet the Choeyan Princesses, not the prince, but the Princesses simply never caught his eye the same way Prince Yunho did. He was kind, charming, funny, tall – well, taller back then, Mingi briefly wonders if he’s now caught up to him or if Yunho towers over him still – and everything Mingi could dream of… except that he was a man.

It didn’t strike Mingi as a problem, back then. After all, he had travelled to meet potential suitors, see their chemistry, court them, and that is exactly what he planned to do, until he realised just how much of a problem that actually is.

“Mother… I think marriage doesn’t so bad after all.”

“Really now? That’s wonderful news darling, which princess caught your heart, mm?”

That was the last time Mingi remembers his mother calling him darling.

“Actually… it’s the prince.”

“The prince?”

“Prince Yunho. I really like him, Mother, I’m–“

“You’re delusional, is what you are.”

He often wonders what would’ve happened if he never said anything. If he feigned interest in one of the princesses, got along with them well enough, and got married like everyone else wanted. Everyone else but him. Would it have been easier, to not have ever been cast aside? Or would it have been harder, to keep a secret and live a lie? Would the way his heart beat for Yunho have ever gone away? He still thinks about him now, years later, and he would be lying if he said he wasn’t looking forward to seeing him at the gala and seeing if that spark he felt between them was real or just part of his imagination.

Because when he thought back to the moments they had spent together, the long sparring matches or chess games – both of which, he was no real competition for Yunho, but he couldn’t say he minded losing too much when the other boy would pat his shoulder and tell him he did well and offer to go again, obviously going easier on him so he could feel good about winning, and it worked. He knew what Yunho was doing, but it still worked, not because he actually felt better at sword fighting or chess, but because it meant that Yunho wanted him to feel better, and Mingi was sure he would give Yunho anything he could ever want from him.

The look in his eyes back then, the mischievous sparkle when he had him at sword-point or checkmate, or the warmth when he praised him for being able to beat him when it was too obvious he let it happen, they made Mingi feel something. Something he hadn’t felt anywhere else, something that had been described to him hundreds of times on paper and out loud.

“But Mother, I don’t get it. All those things you said about love, I feel those with Prince Yunho more than any of the princesses I’ve met, I really like him and–“

“Only princesses like princes, Mingi. Not princes. Princes like princesses, and you are a prince, are you not? So you will turn around, rid your mind of the thought and never bring this up again.”

Little Mingi scrunched up his nose. Like all teenagers do when being told they can’t do something, he figured he would do exactly that no matter what anyone said – that being, in this case, loving Crown Prince of Choeya, Jeong Yunho.

“I think I’d rather be a princess, then.”

He had stormed out that day, prideful and stubborn as ever, and truthfully? He doesn’t regret it at all, not anymore. He spent enough years regretting it, crying himself to sleep over the parents who detested him and the boy who he could never have. He’s older now, wiser, and he knows better – if his parents would detest their son over who he fell in love with, is their love even worth anything anyway? Is it really love if it’s conditional? Hiding may feel safer, be safer, but he no longer wants to hide. He wants to be heard, seen, witnessed – maybe he foolishly hopes Yunho will catch wind of it and reach out to him. Or maybe it’s just been far too long since he’s got to truly make a scene.

What better way to prove that than wearing the prince’s dress to the gala? Mingi doesn’t know you well, but from what little he’s gathered from rumours and from your letter, he decides he likes you. Maybe he just likes the idea of you, considering you’ve never met, but he has a good feeling about you. Someone kind enough to make him a dress, but someone so bold, even bolder than him, daring to make such a statement to be who they are… it’s hard not to admire such gall. He wants to be more like you, he decides. Playing princess was a good start, but he needs to make a bigger statement. He needs to be louder, speaking over those speaking over him, instead of playing docile in his defeat – and that starts with you, the gala, and this dress.

He isn’t used to sneaking around much, but he figures now is a good time as any to start – his palms are sweaty and everything feels twitchy as he tries to duck through the castle unnoticed, and he stutters when he tries to explain to the tailor he chose what he wants fitted and that he’d pay for her silence, but he does it in the end, and the thrill it gives him is exhilarating.

It helps that the dress is absolutely gorgeous, too. He doesn’t stop grinning the whole time the tailor takes his measurements, unable to hide his excitement at the thought of wearing it – and meeting you. Talking with you, just for a night, for once in his life since that fateful day feeling normal around someone else – he briefly wonders if his parents would allow him to wed you, considering how people still see you as a princess, and what better fit for the man that calls himself a princess than the “woman” who calls himself a prince?

No, no, he’s getting ahead of himself, he realises, blushing at how far that thought had gotten. It has been years since he’s genuinely gotten to consider the possibility of a romance, but he figures he should slow down until he meets you at the very least. Just one step at a time. He takes in a deep breath, takes out a fresh sheet of parchment, and grabs his trusty quill.

Dear Your Royal Highness, Prince of Uchia, it was lovely to hear from you.

I will not hide the truth from you; I have been intrigued with your character ever since I first heard of the wayward princess calling himself a prince. I wondered if maybe, you were just like me? Well, I do not call myself a Princess as a woman, but simply as an act of defiance, so I suppose we’re different there, but I will happily go along with your plan of defiance and take this gift with much gratitude.

I wasn’t completely dreading this gala, not really – I am trusting you with this secret, but I was mostly just excited to meet Prince Yunho again. I have not seen him in many years. I do not know if he is like us – we had some sort of connection when we met, but before I could ask him if he felt the same, we were torn apart. I have not been able to see him since. Now, however, I am counting down every day towards this party – I can barely conceal my excitement to meet you. For the first time, it feels like someone understands me.

I sent the garment to my tailor the first thing after reading your letter. It’s gorgeous, I’m honoured to have such a gift – but that would leave you without a custom piece for the gala, and I could not accept that. With this letter I am sending you a suit made especially for you, although without your measurements, it likely won’t fit, so I followed your lead and included some fabric as well. I hope it’s to your liking; I may have been presumptuous as well, and made our outfits match.

I am aware of how this may come off. But I figured I will ask anyway if you would be my date at the gala. I think we would make a good pair. I hope you think so, too.

I doubt any reply will arrive before the gala anymore, though, so I suppose I will hear your response in person. It’s alright if you say no. I look forward to meeting you regardless.

Sincerely,

His Royal Highness, Princess Mingi of Reuji.

The night of the gala.

As much as you wished to reply to Mingi’s letter, he was right – it wouldn’t reach his kingdom in time. The suit he sent you was positively beautiful, the perfect partner piece to the dress you sent him, in the same style but opposite colours – black and red to match his ivory and pink, the embroidered patterns and glittering jewels mirroring the dress’s patterns. Truly the most stunning garment you had ever laid your eyes on, and all the more meaningful that he had you in mind when designing it.

The tailor certainly had questions, but nothing the right price couldn’t dissuade – after all, a humble but talented tailor that didn’t work for the castle always dreamed of taking work for royals, who could possibly refuse? Even if it was for the estranged prince.

Since, you had kept it hidden somewhere your mother nor the servants would ever find it – with the stableboy that had won your sister’s heart. You gave him your blessings in private, and he wished you well in turn.

Everything led up to now. All the secret letters, the gowns, the planning, the sneaking around and colluding with your sister to buy enough time to change into the suit and make it to the carriage before your mother could see you. The stableboy ended up a more valuable asset to your plan than initially thought, getting you your own carriage to sneak into, your sister feeding your mother the fib of leaving early to meet the Crown Prince and win his heart.

You’d certainly try, just for the hell of it – just to humiliate your kingdom further when you try to court him as a prince. You wonder how he would react to that, though you suppose it didn’t seem like it would be the first time Prince Yunho was courted by a prince.

The Choeyan Royal Family run the gala, the richest and most influential of the three powers, and when you arrive at the castle it sure does not disappoint. Tall stone spires shrouded in ivy and flowers, and yet – not a single stone brick out of place, not a tendril or vine out of place, falling perfectly symmetrically  on the sides of every archway and fireflies dancing around them. How such a feat was achieved is beyond you, but you marvel at the view nonetheless.

Stepping inside, the interior is just as impressive as the exterior, polished marble floors and stairs, art on every available surface, and the biggest jewelled chandelier you’ve ever seen above your head. It speaks louder than words of the success Choeya has accumulated, just comparing it to the castle back in Uchia; you start to see why everyone is so hellbent on marrying into the Choeyan lineage. It would probably help your kingdom immensely if you could actually succeed in what you told the Queen you would do, the allyship could bring so much good to your people, the people you swore to protect – but what have those people done to protect you? Perhaps there is only so much a commoner can do against the word of a Queen, but either way you don’t feel too bad about burning the bridge between you and Choeya tonight. You’d be exiled by morning anyway, and your sister is determined on her stableboy.

You’re gazing up at the kaleidoscope of lights in wonder when you hear a deep voice clear itself behind you, and only then do you notice the strange looks of the guests around you – for once, not fixated on you, but rather, behind you.

Turning around with curiosity tugging at the corners of your lips, you set your sights on a tall, broad figure with soft eyes and plush lips, donning a bejewelled prince’s crown and the very dress you ordered yourself, the silky fabric hugging his waist then flowing all the way to the ground and trailing behind him. He’s curled into himself nervously, offering you a shy smile as he curtseys low, polite, then meets your eyes again, brimming with excitement.

“Princess Mingi,” you breathe out, smile widening. You almost forget to bow in response, about to curtsey back out of habit before you realised that you are not, in fact, being forced to wear a dress this time. You still wear the tiara of your birthright, but it’s liberating, proudly presenting yourself as you are and defying the rules like this, and you notice the way Mingi straightens up a little when you stand back up with your shoulders set and head held high – partially to look up at him towering over you, partially because of your newfound confidence from your expression and your absolutely stunning date. “My answer is yes; I would love to be your date tonight. You look ethereal.”

“And you look incredibly handsome.” His voice is far deeper than you expected, and any jealousy it would make you feel is washed away by how it turns your knees to jelly. He can’t stop smiling, wide and gummy and showing too much teeth for any royal to consider it proper, but it takes your breath away. “I confess I have been thinking about this moment non-stop since I received your letter.”

“And? How is it, now that it’s happening?” You prompt, absolutely buzzing at just the sight of him. Him, a man, a princess, a Reujian, in a traditional Uchian dress, and positively thrilled about it.

“Exciting.” he admits, taking a step closer to you. He offers you his arm and pausing in confusion earns you a raised brow. “What is it? Surely you’re not bothered by the gendered etiquette we use? If you’d prefer, I can take your arm instead, but…”

He giggles softly, gently placing his large hand atop your head, slowly enough for you to move away if you so wished. You don’t.

“Yeah,” you chuckle in response, getting his message loud and clear. “Suppose I’m a little too short for that to work well, huh?”

The Princess shrugs, and you’re amazed at how he manages to seem both awkward and easy-going at the same time. “We could try-“

“No worry,” you insist, stepping closer to him and taking his arm gracefully, just happy to have a point of contact between you. Enough to ground you, remind yourself that this is real, he is real, and live in the moment for the night while you still can. “I’m fine with this. You’re right, I’m sick of people telling people what a prince or princess can or can’t do.”

Mingi seems pleased with that, whisking you past the gaggle of whispering party guests and onto the dance floor, long before anyone else has started dancing, the live orchestra only just getting started – but that doesn’t deter him, gloved hands finding your shoulder and your hand, yours taking his waist and following his lead. You’ve never danced the gentleman’s part in a ballroom dance with a partner before, only watched longingly and tried to learn the steps by yourself in the privacy of your room, but Mingi is a natural dancer. He leads you through it, twirling himself around and giggling bashfully at how the dress twirls around with him, and when you pull him back in, chest to chest, his breath hitches at the proximity. You can feel him this close, feel his pounding heartbeat, and it’s almost like you can feel everything he’s feeling like this, too. Like you’re on the same page, like he can feel you too – he’s a complete stranger, yet you feel closer to him in this moment than anyone you have ever known.

“You’re quite the talented dancer,” you hum, getting more in the rhythm of it – you truthfully expected to be more bothered with all the scornful eyes boring into your skull, more spiteful, but all you could focus on was the man right in front of you in all his beauty and natural talent, swaying with your arms around him. “You do this kind of ballroom dancing often?”

“Kind of,” he replies a little bashfully, “Never with a partner. I just watched a lot, practiced with my hat stand in my room…”

“Me too!” You gasp, grinning at the mirrored experience. “Well, not with a hat stand, just the air – I’m not sure which is more amusing, though.”

Mingi’s stare bores into you in place of a reply, and at first you think it’s something you said, until he blinks twice and shakes his head, like he’s snapping himself out of it. “Apologies,” he mutters quickly, “But your smile is simply breathtaking, I find myself at a loss for words. Um– right, the dance– I think the hat stand is more embarrassing, personally. You can laugh if you want, I don’t mind.”

How he manages to seem so shy and confident at the same time is beyond you, but if there’s one thing that you’re sure of it’s that you find it incredibly charming. As far as first impressions go, he’s definitely won the grand prize in your book. When was the last time someone has treated you with such casual attention? Made you feel so normal?

“A charmer, are we?” You tease, but you can’t hide the way you only smile wider at his sweet words. “I do hope I’m at least more entertaining of a dance partner than a hat stand, though.”

“Of course!” Mingi exclaims, as if he thinks you would be genuinely threatened by the dancing abilities of a hat stand. “You’re very graceful.”

“Thanks,” you chuckle, leaning forward to rest your head on his chest. You’re completely relaxed, the heavy weight of anticipation from earlier melting away in Mingi’s arms. It feels right, not just because of your similarities in status and identity, but simply the warmth he regards you with that only makes you want to return it tenfold. Is this what falling in love feels like? You never thought it could happen so quickly, that being merely a thing of fairy tales, but you can’t deny the magnetism between you that has nothing to do with him being a boy princess or you being a prince without the parts. If Mingi had shown up in a suit, addressed as a prince, and still treated you the same, you don’t doubt you would’ve been just as enamoured, and that isn’t as alarming as you thought it’d be. It feels… normal. Like it only makes sense that you’re already falling for a man like Song Mingi, like it is inevitable.

You wonder how this must look from the outside – the two outcasted royal children, dancing together, wearing the ‘wrong’ things, dancing the ‘wrong’ way, sharing what seems like an intimate moment in the middle of the dance floor. It’s only now that you’re not mesmerised by Mingi’s features and hear the pounding of his heartbeat – from you or from all the negative attention, you aren’t sure – does the sick sense of satisfaction finally start creeping in, childishly poking your tongue out at an old woman giving you a particularly scandalised look and giggling at how she immediately turns away and starts muttering something to her husband.

“What are you giggling at, my prince?” he asks, and you feel it rumbling in his chest with your head laid there. It’s grounding, and you find yourself dreading letting go with each passing moment.

You tilt your head in the direction of the judgemental old lady with a scoff. “Look at them, princess. They’re quivering in their boots at the very sight of us. We disgust them.”

Mingi’s grip on your shoulder and hand tighten, steering you in the other direction almost protectively. “Don’t look at them, then.” He moves his hand from your shoulder to your chin, lightly tilting your face up to meet his. “Just look at me.”

“That wasn’t a complaint.” His lips fall into a surprised ‘o’, which is almost as endearing as finding out he practiced dancing with a hat stand. “We disgust them, and that feels good. If being ourselves makes their blood boil, then I hope they keep boiling until it scalds their very skin. Is it not satisfying?”

“Why would it be satisfying?” Mingi asks quietly, not able to meet the crowd’s gazes for too long, even with more couples making their way to the dance floor, he can’t escape all the eyes on him. “What’s satisfying about knowing your very being is repulsive?”

“Repulsive to them,” you remind him, your turn to cup his face and pull his attention away from the bystanders. “The same people who make our lives so difficult. The kind of people that are so averse to anything that isn’t them that they have to be hateful… they deserve to be repulsed, I think. So if we’re so repulsive, I will take pride in it, as I have no interest in earning the approval of those who don’t deserve my effort. Is that not why you became a princess?”

Mingi gnaws on the inside of his cheek. “I became a princess as an act of teenage rebellion. I stuck with it to prove a point but – while I refuse to feel shame about it, I don’t think I’ve ever been truly proud, not really. Not until I wore this dress, I think. Not until I met you.” He smiles, and when he looks back at the disapproval around him, he doesn’t shy away. “You’re right. They don’t deserve my effort to be palatable. I hope they boil in their misery, too.”

You can hear what they’re saying about you. Uncouth, unheard of, unnatural – who allowed them to sully their kingdom’s names like this? Who do they think they are? There is something wrong with them. They’re multiplying. Keep them away from the children!

In truth, despite the front you would wear as much as you could, those words always did hurt, but within Mingi’s warm embrace, they ricocheted right off you. After all, you finally had proof they were wrong – you’re not the only different one out there. You have someone.

Your little reverie is shattered by the shrill voice of your mother crying out the name you abandoned, shoving past party guests to get to you two in the centre – and when she sees you, the chalice of wine she was carrying slips from her grasp and clatters to the ground.

“What is the meaning of this?” she demands, anger boiling over the edges and cascading down to her trembling fists. “I told you young lady, you had one chance, and you were to court the Crown Prince–“

“Man,” Mingi interrupts, and the Queen whips up to glare at him, appalled at his nerve to cut her off.

“Who do you think you are, boy–“

“Young man,” Mingi corrects calmly, “Not young lady.”

You’ve stopped dancing now, so when your mother crosses the line of your personal space and pulls you off Mingi rather ungracefully and steps up to him rather threateningly, Mingi takes a step back.

“You don’t tell me how to speak to my own daughter, you miserable crossdresser. Now get out of my sight.”

Mingi briefly makes eye contact with you, uncertain, and you’re not sure what he sees in your expression – you’re not sure if you’re pleading for him to stop or keep going, frozen under the pressure – but he seems to find his answer there, turning back to the Queen.

“Son.”

“Guards!” she bellows, calling the attention of everyone who wasn’t already staring uncomfortably at the altercation, even the members of the orchestra quieting in caution. “Get this man out of here, he is disrespecting the royal family–“

“He is the royal family,” the nearest guard says slowly, stepping forward carefully. “With all due respects, Your Majesty, you are not the only royals in attendance. We can only take orders from Choeyan royalty.”

She’s fuming, which would usually strike a chord of fear in you – today instead it’s glee. You have never seen your mother look so powerless.

You try to make a break for it with the Princess while she’s distracted arguing with the guard, but she catches your arm, giving you one of the most furious glares you’ve ever seen from her – and you’ve seen a lot of furious glares from her.

“Yes, mother?” you ask as daintily as you can, wearing a saccharine smile you were sure her and everyone else spectating could see was as genuine as thieves’ gold.

“You. Said,” she starts slowly, voice shaking in her desperate attempt to not start a screaming match in the middle of a gala between three kingdoms, “that you would wear a dress and court the Crown Prince–“

“I promised I would get the seamstress to make me a dress, not that I would wear it.” You grasp Mingi’s hand, pulling him back to your side. “Isn’t it gorgeous? I think it suits his long legs better than mine“ – she scowls your birth name again, but you continue without paying her any mind – “and I’ve yet to see the Crown Prince. I was just sharing a dance with a princess, since when was that disallowed?”

“That is no real princess,” the Queen spits, glaring directly at him. “That’s a prince playing dress-up.”

“No, I’m the prince playing dress-up whenever I put on your silly dresses. But you’re right,” you add on the end before she can continue, earning Mingi a shocked tilt of his head in your direction, “I have a Crown Prince to court. Guards, do you know where his Highness, Prince Yunho is?”

The Choeyan guards point you towards the refreshments table before your mother could get another word in, and you tug Mingi along into the sea of people without giving her the chance to, weaving in and out of as many circles of people as you could to shake her off your tail. It works rather smoothly, her continually being stopped by all sorts of nobles trying to get in an important word with Her Majesty herself.

As it turns out, finding Prince Yunho wasn’t very hard – not just from his extravagant crown, but much like the Princess, he towered over most of the crowd around him, standing tall and regal, the very image of princely masculinity – everything you wanted to be, everything the world wanted Mingi to be. You have never been more ready to publicly make a fool of yourself.

Waltzing right up to him rather determinedly, the Crown Prince notices you right away, and only a split second later, your company. He immediately loses the remaining words in whatever sentence he was saying to a group of noblewomen next to him, murmuring a brief apology to them before taking long strides to meet you both.

“Mingi.” His eyes linger on the Princess, then flicker to you. “And- you must be the Prince of Uchia?”

You bow before him, giving him a cheeky wink on your way back up. “That’d be correct. It’s an honour to meet you, your Highness.”

“You as well, I’ve heard a lot about you. You look amazing tonight. And…” He turns to Mingi expectantly.

Mingi seems torn on whether to bow, curtsey, or crush his old friend in a hug, but when he fumbles with his words for a second too long, Yunho beats him to it, pulling him into an embrace that has the partygoers all around you gasping in astonishment. You wish they could just turn around and not scrutinize every action any of you made, but Yunho nor Mingi seemed to pay them any mind.

“I thought I’d never get to see you again.”

Mingi is frozen completely still, but it’s no brief embrace, either – Yunho stays there until Mingi melts into his touch and carefully hugs him back, burying his face in his shoulder. “Yunho… I missed you too.”

They stay there for a moment longer before Yunho finally pulls back, beaming brighter than all the crystalline lighting hanging above you. “You’ve– You’ve grown taller! More handsome, too.”

Nothing could stop the flush colouring Mingi’s cheeks and ears at that, turning away at the intensity of looking at him – only to settle his gaze on your knowing smirk, which only deepens the shade of scarlet adorning his face. Seeing him so flustered is a real treat, and you only wish you could have had more time with him before reuniting him with the man he obviously still has feelings for.

It doesn’t upset you though, not really. You’re happy for him, and you’re happy you at least got to be his date for the night. It’s a night you’re sure you will never forget, and you’re immensely grateful to him for it.

“U-Um,” he pauses to clear his throat, gathering his courage. “You too. Both the taller and more handsome parts. It’s really… been a while, hasn’t it? Uh– the Prince has something to say, though, before we catch up.”

“Huh?” He nudges you forward, and it takes a second for what he’s expecting you to do to click. Oh. Right, the favour for your sister, the promise you made your mother – courting the Crown Prince. It’s now or never; time to throw this party into chaos the three kingdoms will be talking about for years to come. The cataclysm of your life and possibly the future of Uchia as you know it.

Whirling back around to Yunho with your most bedazzling smile, hyperaware of the noblewomen that were staring daggers at you, you ask him.

“Prince Yunho of Choeya, are you interested in men?”

The gasps you get in response are louder than all the previous ones you’d heard that night, the most shocked, the most scandalised. Exactly what you wanted to hear – exile be damned, the Queen would never recover from this. Her entire family name would never recover from this, and that is precisely the legacy you intend to leave, for your sister’s sake and your own spite.

Mingi evidently did not expect you to be so forward with your approach, jaw hanging open and eyes flitting between you and Yunho in disbelief – but you don’t miss the way they linger on Yunho longer, bated breath waiting for his response. Yunho seems equally taken aback, glancing not just you and Mingi, but all the party guests around you and their looks of varying degrees of disapproval, all centred on you two. Not him.

Your mother finally finds you among the sea of people – suppose all she had to do was follow the condemning glares and muttering – and steps between you and the Crown Prince, plastering on the fakest of apologetic smiles you know are exclusively for the public. A well-rehearsed façade that speaks volumes to the commonness of her insincerity.

“Sincerest apologies for my daughter’s outlandish behaviour, I assure you she is just–“

“Yes, I do like men, actually.”

The orchestra stops completely.

He didn’t even say it that loud but somehow the entire castle seemed to hear, everyone falling silent with surprising quickness, and for once, your mother is truly, genuinely, speechless. Possibly the most genuine thing she’s ever been.

Yunho grins, that same beaming grin he wore when he met you and Mingi again. He loops a strong arm around each of you possessively, standing tall and with his head held high in defiance – in direct contrast to how Mingi shrinks into his side, bracing for the metaphorical impact. You though, you gawk at him in amazement, clearly expecting some sort of negative response, a conflict and a swift exit to leave him with Mingi – but you can’t say you aren’t pleased with this turn of events.

“These two? They’re with me. If you lay your eyes on them, let it be with respect.”

Oh, you are definitely pleased with this turn of events.

You can’t believe your eyes; the way with just a few sentences, all the looks on the crowd’s faces changed, brows unfurrowing and looking at you with a new curiosity and intrigue rather than warped in distaste – so quickly? So soon? Is that the power of the Crown Prince, the only suitable heir to the most powerful throne out of three kingdoms while the King is rumoured to be on his deathbed – a lifetime of prejudice, gone with just a few words?

Upon closer examination, you realise what’s written on everyone’s faces is hardly awe, but fear. A special kind of fear, a kind of fear you know – the fear of doing something wrong. The fear of stepping a single toe out of line, and suffering consequences, whether it be reputation, possessions, or worse.

Yes, that is the true power of the Crown Prince of Choeya.

“Well? Were we not in the middle of a party?” Yunho questions loudly, clear voice ringing through the castle and just challenging anyone to step up to him. “Go on, start the music again, dance, mingle. There is nothing for you to see here.”

Just when you think people will finally do exactly that, Yunho decides he isn’t done with his spectacle. He tugs the two of you closer, earning him a gasp from Mingi which he quickly covers with his lips, a kiss that lingers, his eyes half open to glare at whoever was bold enough to keep staring, and Mingi hasn’t even caught his breath before Yunho pulls away and leans down to kiss you.

His lips are soft, warm.

It’s the only thing your brain can process with it whirling so wildly, and it’s over as soon as it starts, the only proof that it happened being the lingering warmth on your lips and the way the partygoers finally stop blankly staring and hustle to move away and avoid eye contact. They can’t look, but they can’t not look either, sneaking stunned looks in your direction before quickly looking away as soon as Yunho even so much as blinks at them.

“Come on,” Yunho insists, breaking the shocked silence between the three of you, and tugging you away towards the stairs.

“Where- Where are we going?” You manage to get out, finally coming to your senses enough to form words again, but the Crown Prince’s pace only quickens. With no idea what to think of any of it, your words are hardly in protest, hurrying along to keep up with him. “What about your father, what will he think?”

“Have you seen him all night? The rumours are true, he’s bedridden with illness and has been for a while now. I am running the kingdom in his stead.” At the top of the spiral staircase, he tugs you down a corridor and around a corner, you and Mingi barely able to exchange bewildered glances as you’re dragged along. He speaks of his father’s illness so casually, to foreign powers no less – such would be considered weakness by any other member of the royal court. Just how much is he risking be being so open with you two – how much is he risking by pulling the stunt he just did?

“Where am I taking you? Away from that stuffy party, and those stuffy people, all of it. I thought it’d be refreshing, having people from other walks of life over to mingle and gain new perspectives on the world – but all anyone wants to gain is power and status at the cost of others. The only breaths of fresh air in this godforsaken palace right now, are you.”

A couple more staircases later, the three of you finally end up on a balcony, high above the party beneath you, and Prince Yunho finally lets go of your hands with a sigh, leaning back on the stone railing. He gives you the most sheepish look you’ve seen from him all night, and it’s uncharacteristically cute for how charismatic he had been the rest of the night.

“Apologies,” he says at last, knowing the two of you were likely waiting on him to explain, well, everything. What this means. Whatever it means. “I got carried away trying to make a statement. I think you two do it better, though.”

Mingi finally speaks up, carefully leaning on the railing next to him. “Is that all that was, then? A show?”

He’s hopeful, it’s written all over his face all the way down to the way his hands can’t keep still, rubbing the details on his dress mindlessly, the way he’s practically holding his breath. He must have been waiting for this for a long time. There is so much left unresolved between the two, and here you are, spectating.

“Should I go?” You ask awkwardly, not wanting to impose on their reunion, but Yunho grabs your wrist as you turn to leave.

“No,” he assures firmly, not leaving any room for doubt in his voice. “Stay.”

“Okay.”

Mingi gulps. Yunho stares at the ground and bites his lip, and the palpable tension is driving you insane a lot quicker than you have the patience for.

“Oh just say it out loud already, you’ve been in love since you were boys! What do you need me here for?!”

You realise Yunho’s grasp on your wrist never loosened, only gripping firmer at your outburst, abruptly tugging you forward before you could turn away again. You’re close, intimidatingly so, and you almost think he’s going to kiss you again, but he doesn’t. From up close you get to examine every detail of his perfectly sculpted face while he waits for – whatever it is he’s waiting for, whatever it is he’s looking for in your eyes.

He’s beautiful, you think. Too beautiful for a world like this. Just like Mingi.

“You’re right,” he admits, breath fanning over your face, looking at you and not Mingi. You’re not sure why he isn’t looking at Mingi when he says this. “But you… you’re incredible. You and everything you stand for. The courage you had, coming up to me like you did tonight.”

You can’t help but shy under the praise, and the way he says it with all seriousness. The way he says it after outright confessing his feelings for Mingi, as if the two facts had equal importance. Your heart quickens at the implications. “Oh… wow. Thank you.”

“I want to get to know you more,” he continues, then finally turns to Mingi, gently taking his hand. Cautiously, unlike his unrivalled bravado from earlier. “And… I get the feeling our Princess does too.”

“I– I do!” Mingi confirms, eagerly stepping forward and taking your remaining hand in his free one, joining the three of you together. “I didn’t think– I didn’t think there was a point in hoping for anything with Yunho. But you…” The warm flush returns to his cheeks under the torchlight, but he doesn’t lose his resolve this time, squeezing your hand. “…I hoped about you. Since the day I got your letter. I hoped, if our kingdoms see me as a prince, and you as a princess, then maybe they would allow us to marry. And if they saw I was marrying a ‘princess’, I could be the heir again, and when its my turn to rule– I never wanted to rule, but if I did, I could fix all this. Make things right. It’s… presumptuous, I know, but–“

“You do tend to be presumptuous at times,” you cut in teasingly, recalling his letter. “But I’d be lying if I said I don’t find it endearing. Or that you’re wrong, really.”

He seems to light up at that; perhaps it’s just the reflection of the fireflies, but his eyes really do sparkle – and then he acknowledges Yunho again, deflating slightly. “I’m– I’m sorry.”

“Sorry for what? Wanting to marry him? I’m the last person who would fault you for following your heart, Mingi.” Yunho stands up straight, intertwining his fingers with each of yours. “But I have a better suggestion. Marry me instead.”

“But–“

“Both of you,” Yunho clarifies, looking at each of you in turn. “Your parents don’t need to approve. Not if you stay here with me. It’ll be a moon at most before my coronation, we could have our wedding shortly after, and no one will be able to refuse.”

“Both of us?” you echo in disbelief, but you can already feel the hope flaring up in your chest at his suggestion. Your history tells you to crush it, suppress it, stomp out that spark – but you don’t want to. Not this time, not when this spark is landing on kindling to a bonfire, hot as ever. “Can we even do that?”

The Crown Prince shrugs. “I’ll be King, then. We can do whatever we want.”

It’s overwhelming. Mingi is overwhelmed, too, so instead of saying anything he grabs Yunho by the collar and pulls him into a passionate kiss; one that is instantly returned with just as much fervour, but he doesn’t let go of your hand. Having the two of them kiss right in front of you is expectedly a little bit awkward, but it’s heart-warming, too, the way they smile into the kiss like they just can’t get enough of each other.

Yunho is hooked, leaning forward for more every time Mingi pulls back, breathlessly laughing against his lips, but he seems to remember your presence when you loosen your grip on his hand. He must like holding hands a lot, you think, based on the way he refuses to let either of you go, and you can’t say you mind. Not when his hands are so warm, soft from the lack of any menial labour, and large enough to completely envelop yours.

He pulls away finally, and to your surprise he pulls both his hands away too – only to hoist you up in his strong arms onto the cold stone of the balcony railing, pinning you there.

“Hey,” Mingi whines, leaning over him to try and shoulder his way into your space too, “He was my date first, and you already stole the first kiss from me.”

“Oh?” Yunho challenges, leaning in closer to you, “Don’t be so demanding to your future King, Mingi. What if I wanted to kiss him first?”

“Wait your turn! Are you seriously pulling rank with me right now–“

“How about we let him decide, hmm?” His breath fans over your face again and its blurring all your senses, but Mingi shoves his face next to his and suddenly those plump lips of his are so close, but he stops inches away to give you room to make your decision.

“You’re both dorks.”

Grabbing each of them by the back of their heads, you pull them in at the same time, faces pressing together as all three pairs of lips meet each other in the centre. It works out a lot better than you expected in the moment, not really expecting it to work at all, but being able to kiss them at the same time makes you unreasonably giddy.

It doesn’t last long, Yunho pulling away when Mingi hungrily presses for more and more of you, the two of you giggling at the little disgruntled noise Yunho makes from being pushed aside. You make quite the show out of it, wrapping your legs tightly around Mingi’s waist to hold him flush against you – and so you won’t fall backwards off the edge – and tangling your hands in his silken hair, careful not to knock off his crown but still pushing it off-center, giving Yunho the same cheeky side-eye he gave everyone else when he kissed Mingi that first time.

Yunho scoffs at this, crowding into your space behind Mingi to cage both of you there, kissing along Mingi’s neck and shoulder and making him shiver against you. Either Yunho knew what he was doing more than you and Mingi or he was really good at pretending, because the way his hands and lips dance across Mingi’s body and the reactions he pulls out of him seem practiced. That, or Mingi is just extremely sensitive to touch, and extremely vocal about it. You’re not sure which possibility has you more heated.

When you finally pull apart for air, you glance over your shoulder down at the party below, and luckily it doesn’t seem like anyone has spotted you in plain sight, storeys above them. “We should take this inside,” you murmur, caressing Yunho’s face, your lips brushing Mingi’s with every word they spoke. “Before someone sees us out here.”

“Let them see,” Mingi growls, pressing himself closer to you, holding you tight against him. “Let them look and ridicule like they always do, let their hatred boil over and know there is nothing they can do in their power to stop it.”

You laugh in his embrace, forehead to forehead. “Princess, I’m sure they’re boiling already, but I was more implying feeling a different kind of warmth beneath our skin that they frankly don’t deserve the luxury of spectating.”

Mingi freezes up at that and blushes wildly, Yunho chuckling against his neck and pressing a soft kiss there. “Glad we were on the same page, at least,” he hums before detaching himself from him, “Unless you’d rather do something else?”

“I-I’ve never–“ he swallows, peeling off of you and letting you hop down from the railing.

“That’s okay,” Yunho soothes, taking each of your hands again and squeezing them reassuringly. “I’ve had a bit more freedom as Crown Prince. If you want, we can wait, or I can lead you.”

It wouldn’t be your first time – there were some select few knights that were attractive enough for you to see past the fact that they saw you as a princess still – but it would certainly be the first time it ever meant anything to you, and your heart is nearly beating out of your chest at the mere thought.

“I want it,” Mingi whispers, his voice getting caught in his throat with just how badly he wants exactly that. “I want both of you.”

“Then both of us you will have, my princess.” Yunho accentuates his promise with a peck on the lips, and you find yourself uncharacteristically shy under their confidence.

“Even though I’m– my– I–“

“I don’t care,” Yunho says simply. “I’m not as attracted to body parts as I am to the people who own them. I’ve brought enough women to my bed to know what I’m doing in that regard, too.”

Ah. You nod slowly in understanding, then turn to Mingi, who just smiles back at you. “I just want to be as close to you as physically possible,” he murmurs, “A-And make you feel good, too. Everything else is irrelevant to me.”

“Thank you,” you breathe out, not exactly sure what you’re thanking them for. They’re already ushering you back inside to follow Yunho to his chambers by the time they tell you that you have nothing to be thanking them for.

Yunho can’t help but grin as soon as the door behind you clicks shut, a certain glint of playfulness and excitement – maybe the tiniest bit of cockiness, too – adorning his features. His room is expectedly spacious, colour-coordinated in navy and gold, but the first thing that catches your attention isn’t the impressive, jewel-encrusted swords mounted on the wall above his bed – but instead, his headboard. Detailed gold frame, taller than the headboards in you or your sister’s chambers, but most notably – glass. Reflective glass.

Crown Prince Yunho’s headboard is a mirror.

You and Mingi notice this at the same time, the curious raise of your brows earning you a chuckle from him.

“I do hope you aren’t that self-conscious,” he hums, the cheeky grin not leaving his face, “because I would love to let you see just how beautiful you are.”

Mingi nearly chokes on air, and if he could get any redder, he would; you almost think he is about to ask Yunho to cover it, or face away, but once he gets his breath back he’s excitedly tugging you towards the massive bed.

“Eager, are we, Princess?” Yunho teases, gently pushing Mingi – who is far too happy to be malleable for him – down onto the bed, remaining standing between his legs so he can look down at him and tilt his face upwards. “I think I like the view of you looking up to me like this.”

Mingi gulps. “I– I can’t say I dislike the view from here either.”

“Do you prefer being on the bottom, then?” you chime in, sauntering over and kneeling before him, resting an arm on the bed and your head on his thigh. Both you and Yunho smirk at the way he looks like his head is about to burst. “Or do you like the view of me on my knees for you, too?”

“You two are going to be the death of me,” he exhales. “Both, both is good, can one of you please just touch me already?”

You grab at his dress to bunch it up on his lap before Yunho grabs both of your wrists and moves to hold them in only one of his hands – a feat that already has you reeling – then uses them to tug you up to your feet, and then back on the bed beside Mingi.

“Rewards come to those who wait.” That playful energy has quickly warped into something darker, but equally as heart-pounding. He must notice this, because when he leans in closer and places your hands in your lap, he pushes you onto your back with only a single finger; you find yourself obeying him without a word. “And trust me, my prince, I can be very, very rewarding. So are you going to be patient for me, or are you going to defy your future King?”

“You really like being the one to call the shots, don’t you?” you blurt out, but you love the way he his tongue pokes the inside of his cheek at your attitude. “Just because you’re going to be in charge of a kingdom doesn’t mean you have to be in charge in the bedroom. What if I wanted a turn, hmm?”

Yunho is quick on the uptake, giving you that same smile that looks far less innocent now than it did out at the gala. “You have to earn that privilege, my prince. So I will ask you again – are you going to be good for me, or are you going to disobey?”

As tempting as it is to disobey him and see what he does next, Mingi looks at you like he’s pleading for you to say no so he can finally be touched already, and the offer of having your turn in charge at a later point is one you cannot refuse. You simply smile back at him, sweet as you can muster.

“I will be good today, sir.”

“Sir,” Yunho echoes, increasingly pleased with himself. “Yes, that’s more like it. Now, stay still. Mingi, climb on top of him.”

“I– Okay.” Mingi doesn’t look incredibly sure of himself, but he definitely is keen either way, the mattress dipping as he awkwardly climbs over you in his haste to please Yunho. His legs sit outside yours, his hands on either side of your head, and when he meets your eyes from his new angle, his eyes widen and his tongue darts out to wet his lips. “Oh. Hi.”

“Hi,” you parrot back at him with a giggle, craning your neck up to peck his lips once. “You’re very cute, you know that?”

He beams from above you, and it doesn’t matter that his head is blocking most of the light above you because his smile is positively radiant enough to outshine them all. “Thanks. I try.”

“Unbutton his shirt,” Yunho orders, tracing a hand down Mingi’s spine, and he is quick to follow, long fingers working at the buttons of your suit. Yunho gives you a warning look as you reach to help him, but you cut him off before he can say anything.

“I’m fine with it up to here,” you state clearly, holding the shirt at its most open without exposing your full chest, leaving a button done in the middle. “I would rather not take it off. After all, I look so good in it, wouldn’t it be a waste? Our Princess gifted me this, you know. Custom made.”

“You do look incredibly handsome in it,” Mingi confirms, returning your affectionate peck. “I’m glad you decided to wear it after all.”

“Very well. That’s still plenty of room to work with,” Yunho nods, understanding your deflection and not pushing it. As your buttons were coming undone, he was slowly undoing the lace on the back of Mingi’s gown, and he seems to finally notice it when Yunho grabs the fabric and starts pulling it down enough to reveal the expanse of his back. He leans over Mingi again, much like when he had him between the two of you and you against the railing, both of them caging you in place, to whisper right next to Mingi’s ear. “Go on then, kiss him. Mark up what’s ours, even, if you’re so inclined.”

The question is directed to you as much as it is to Mingi, checking your face over Mingi’s shoulder for any objection, but you meet him with a smile. “Go ahead, princess. Don’t be afraid to use teeth or leave them visibly.”

Mingi’s breath hitches, looking at you then glancing over his shoulder at Yunho. “Um. How do I…?”

“Oh, I was hoping you’d ask that,” Yunho chuckles, voice rumbling deep in his chest, before attaching his lips to Mingi’s neck and sucking, grazing his teeth against the skin before soothing it over with his tongue. The way he stiffens and gasps beneath him, eyes going wide, has you biting your lip in anticipation. “Like that. Keep doing it and it’ll leave quite the scandalous bruise. How do you like it?”

“I really like it.” He speaks in a hurry, not able to reply fast enough. “C-Can you do it again?”

Yunho nods towards you, breath still fanning over Mingi’s neck. “Try it on him, and I’ll mirror your every action.” Yunho obviously must have been planning this ever since he put you in this position, but you don’t get the chance to wonder how many steps he’s planned ahead.

Mingi wastes no time, diving down to kiss and suck at your neck far less timidly than you expected or were prepared for; the sound that leaves your lips has you heating up with embarrassment – among other things – but it’s mostly drowned out by the way Mingi moans against your skin at Yunho doing the very same to him. For how shy he seemed before, he’s surprisingly shameless; while you bite down on your lips to spare yourself just an ounce of dignity, Mingi keeps humming softly as he kisses down your neck to your chest, Yunho copying his movements down to his upper back.

Getting increasingly excited, he bites down at the soft spot right above your collarbone hard enough to make you whine and buck your hips on instinct, Mingi moaning again when Yunho bites his shoulder hard enough to leave a matching bite mark there.

“You two really like being bitten and marked up, don’t you?” Yunho muses aloud, delicate fingers trailing over the marks he and Mingi both left. “Princess, let me give you a tip.”

His tip isn’t verbal; instead he shifts back on the bed and grabs Mingi’s leg, shoving it between yours so his knee presses up at your core before resuming his position hovering over the both of you. “Now, try that again.”

You already know he must’ve noticed how your body reacted the first time, but you don’t try and fight it when Mingi bites you again and your hips move on their own accord, grinding on Mingi’s leg. He lets out a pleased grunt at the realisation, repeating the action but this time grabbing your hips and pulling you harder against him.

“Is that okay?”

“More than okay,” you breathe out shakily, clutching at his shoulders, conscious of leaving enough space for Yunho’s lips to roam still. “Th-Though, shouldn’t we be focusing on Mingi, sir? It’s his first time after all.”

Yunho clicks his tongue, pulling back to admire his handiwork. “And such, he likely won’t last long. Forgive me for being greedy, darlings, but I want to drag out this moment for as long as you’ll allow me. Besides,” he shoves Mingi’s head down back towards your chest, who obediently doesn’t even need to be told to put his mouth back to work, “He’s just so eager to please us. I hardly hear any complaints from him.”

“I have none, sir,” Mingi confirms, his cheek pressed to your rapid heartbeat, like he can’t break that contact between you even if he needs his mouth to speak. “I could kiss you all day.”

He shudders when Yunho’s hands venture lower, pushing up his dress then caressing his thighs up to his ass. “Have you touched yourself here before, Princess?”

“Ah– y-yes, I have.”

“Oh? Our sweet princess not so innocent after all? And tell me, love, what did you think about when you did?”

You have a feeling he already knows what the answer is gonna be, and the way Mingi dips his head to avoid your gaze confirms it.

“You, sir,” he mumbles, biting his lip as Yunho pressed his clothed hips forward to the curve of his ass. “Sometimes the guards, or this one really pretty advisor, but... it always came back to you.”

Yunho surges forward, pulling Mingi up back to his chest, one hand firmly holding his jaw and the other gripping his inner thigh. “That’s right. Because this ass is mine, isn’t it? Always has been.”

Mingi moans weakly in response, which is adorable considering Yunho didn’t even touch him where he’s aching for it. Wanting to join in on the fun, you grab Mingi’s frankly impressive length with both your hands and squeeze, him gasping and instinctively thirsting into your grip.

“In that case, his cock is mine,” you declare boldly, twisting your soft hands around the head, collecting the wetness gathering there and spreading it across him, drinking in every twitch and detail of his face as he melts under your touch. “How does that sound, mm?”

“Hmm...” Yunho pretends to think about it for a bit as he slips two long fingers into Mingi’s mouth, pressing down on his tongue. “Seems agreeable. Though I do expect you’d be kind enough to share if I so desired it?”

“Of course,” you hum in response, spitting on Mingi’s dick and laughing airily as he whimpers around Yunho’s fingers, effectively reduced to a mess before even reaching the main event. You suppose it’s to be expected, having never done this before, but it’s no less amusing to see just how quickly he crumbles. “I do expect the same, of course. Granted, I may not be able to claim him the same way you can, but I’m sure I can put my hands and tongue to good use.”

“Please,” Mingi whines, a string of saliva connecting his plump, kiss-swollen lips with Yunho’s fingers. “Stop teasing.”

“What did I say about patience, princess?”

He doesn’t get to reply, whatever he was going to say cut off with another sinful sound as Yunho’s fingers finally breached his rim. With the other man not holding him up anymore, he keens forward, bending over until he’s once more hovering over you with arms on either side of you.

He really, really likes kissing, evident in the way he brings your mouths together once more and moans against it as Yunho’s skilled fingers work him open. His lips stutter as the two of you work your hands on him in tandem, him barely able to kiss you back, haphazardly just trying to press his mouth to yours. You can’t keep your hands off him, running them along his sides, his thighs, his back, his neck, and not-too-gently grabbing a fistful of his hair at the back of his neck, greedily swallowing all the pretty noises he makes.

“I‐I'm ready,” Mingi parts from you – barely – to insist, but it only earns him a dark, rumbly chuckle from Yunho. “You can—”

“No, you’re not,” Yunho says simply, continuing his leisurely place and sliding in now a fourth finger.

“Just because it’s my first time doesn’t mean I don’t—”

“Trust me,” Yunho chuckles again, leaning down to kiss the top of his head, “You aren’t.”

He finally works his belt off and pants down with one hand, and it very quickly becomes apparent exactly why; Yunho is huge. Mingi is already impressive enough, much bigger and longer than your limited experience with the guards, but Yunho is thick and heavy, making his large hands looking normal-sized as he strokes himself.

“Oh.” Mingi swallows as he looks over his shoulder, seeing it for himself, eyes blowing wide. “Y-Yeah, suppose you’re right.”

The quick change of mind has you giggling lightly, unable to resist pecking him on the cheek, but he doesn’t even acknowledge it, staring directly at Yunho’s dick.

Yunho hesitates. “If it’s too much we can—”

“No, I want it,” Mingi affirms, pushing back onto his fingers with a newfound determination. “I really want it. I want you. Please.”

You’re content to just watch them and wait your turn, but Yunho seems to notice you resigning yourself to a spectating role, and pulls you back in. He leans over Mingi to kiss you sweetly, just long enough to acknowledge you there still before he pulls away from Mingi completely.

“Princess, on your back. We have to please our dear prince too, don’t we?”

Mingi nods so quickly and intensely his crown slips sideways on his head, which is a cutely messed look on him. You like it, but you have an idea of a look you’ll like even more, taking the crown from him and swapping it with the tiara atop yours. It compliments him far better than it does you, you think, and seeing him wearing what’s so uniquely yours has your heart swelling and the heat between your legs throbbing.

“A tiara fit for a princess, don’t you think?” you muse, and Yunho nods with a smile.

“It suits him. You should see yourself like this, Mingi. You’re a vision.”

He truly is, flushed and thoroughly tousled from his hair to his dress, his hard cock resting heavy on his stomach and dripping onto the expensive fabric. You only wish you could ask a court painter to preserve such a sight, but depending on how he feels about it, you wonder if that could actually be possible once Yunho becomes King.

Shockingly enough, Mingi doesn’t appear embarrassed at all, not this time. He’s now just staring at you, eyes glittering in the warm light of the bejewelled chandelier above, mouth hanging slightly agape.

“It’s perfect,” he murmurs, and you know he isn’t referring to your tiara on him. “So handsome… my perfect prince.”

“You’re right,” Yunho confirms assertively, nuzzling your neck and gently grazing his teeth along it. “Our perfect, pretty prince. Now it’s our time to thank you, hm? For changing both of our lives so drastically in the span one evening. Truly, Choeya will be lucky to have such a wilful King Consort.”

Mingi beams, almost in a daze. “I think we’re the luckiest to have such a perfect partner.”

“That we are.”

Now it’s your turn for your face to burn under the earnest praise and title, dumbstruck smile playing on your lips before you can do anything to stop it. For someone always running your mouth, it renders you positively speechless, and you’re hastily shedding your pants and undergarments to hover over Mingi in just your barely buttoned suit blazer. You’re about to tease him again at how responsive he is before your core has even touched him, but a chuckle from behind you informs you it was the work of Yunho’s long fingers once more.

“Relax yourself for me, princess, or this will be harder for you,” Yunho instructs once he’s satisfied with his prep, pressing his tip to Mingi’s quivering hole.

“I sure hope it’s hard for me,” he blurts out without thinking, and after a beat of silence, the three of you crack up into laughter at the same time. It’s silly, corny, and a little bit unfitting for the mood, but you find yourself endlessly endeared with his humour nonetheless, pressing more and more kisses to his face, neck and chest in between your giggles. “Sorry, couldn’t resist.”

“Good,” Yunho breathes out slowly, “I don’t want you to hold anything back from us.”

The drawn-out sound he makes at Yunho pushing into him proves he doesn’t plan on it, his body tensing beneath you before catching himself and taking a shaky breath in an attempt to relax.

“That’s it, my love,” you coo, lifting his tiara to stroke his hair softly as Yunho pushes in single inch at a time, giving Mingi plenty of time to adjust. “Just like that. You’re doing so well for us.”

Once fully sheathed, Yunho lets out a throaty groan that’s the first indication of his controlled façade beginning to crack, but he holds himself back from moving just yet.

“Fuck,” he growls, hands digging into your hips rather than Mingi’s as to not overwhelm him while he still gets used to the intrusion and giving you something to focus on in the meantime. “So good for me, princess, so good for us.”

Mingi’s face falls to the side, teeth digging into his bottom lip, but when he opens his eyes he’s met with his reflection staring back at him in crystal clarity, able to see just how thoroughly messed up he is already.

“Oh gods,” he breathes out, “I almost forgot about that. This is why it’s there, isn’t it?”

The wicked grin on Yunho’s face confirms his suspicions, the man still unmoving to give Mingi more space to breathe, but busying his hands with running them all over your body. “Quite the bright one, aren’t you? Yes, I like to make sure I don’t miss a single detail. After all…”

He spreads Mingi’s legs wider apart for a better view in the mirror, pulling out and pushing back in only the smallest amount, but it’s enough to make Mingi’s breath stutter.

“This way, you can see me inside you and you inside our prince at the same time.”

Mingi groans at the mere words, head rolling back on the sheets. “At the same time? Oh gods, if I die here, I’m dying a happy man.”

The two of you giggle at that, Yunho nodding at you to go ahead and sit down on Mingi already, so you wrap a hand around him and line him up to your entrance, sinking down on him incredibly slowly for both you and his sakes.

He’s so tense and wound up you can see it on just about every muscle on his body, and you don’t doubt he’s gripping Yunho like a vice with the way he’s taking deep, controlled breaths behind you. You appreciate the mirror now even more than you initially thought you would – looking to the side allows you to view the taller man situated at your back, and see the way he bottoms out into the man beneath you; the vision alone almost has you as dizzy as the stretch. You can only imagine what Yunho’s would feel like.

“How are you faring, darling?” you ask down at Mingi after a few moments, who’s finally starting to breathe normally again.

“I think… I’m good. You can move now, but maybe start one at a time…?”

Yunho takes his chance as soon as he hears it, his controlled demeanour crumbling under the sensation of Mingi wrapped so tightly around him, and starts very shallowly rocking his hips into him with a low grunt from the back of his throat. It’s a stark contrast to the almost melodious moan Mingi lets out in comparison, his deep baritone voice raising in pitch at the feeling, and it makes you clench around him on instinct despite sitting perfectly still.

“Ah– o-oh gods, that’s heavenly– ngh–!”

His cute, broken-up whines are music to your ears as Yunho steadily ups his pace until he’s no longer fucking just the tip of himself into the other man, but bottoming out completely with each thrust, the movement making Mingi shake enough to give you some sort of friction while waiting for your signal to move. It comes not long later with a desperate grab of your thighs, nails digging into the soft flesh and a broken out “Y-You can– you can– move…!” from the very overwhelmed princess.

Both Mingi and Yunho hiss at the same time when you finally lift yourself up and drop yourself back onto him, gasping at the fullness of how well he stretches you out, but the pleasure from it is white-hot. Repeating the movement again and again, you find both of them grabbing at you in an attempt to ground themselves, but it doesn’t seem to be working well – at least for Mingi, who has his head thrown back and eyes squeezed shut, body quivering with very thrust and bounce of your hips.

“You’re fucking huge, Mingi,” you moan through gritted teeth, savouring every drag of his generous length against your walls, “S–So fucking good, gods, fuck!”

“Quite the foul mouth you have on you, hmm?” Yunho teases, sticking two fingers in your mouth and turning your head towards the headboard mirror so you can see the way he smirks darkly at you while fucking Mingi still, his other hand intertwined with Mingi’s on the sheets. “One of these days I’ll have to clean it out myself, I think.”

You can’t do much but moan around his fingers and keep rolling your hips into Mingi’s, reaching down to rub at yourself to heighten the feeling of it all, but Mingi is quick to yelp and grab your waist with an almost startling strength.

“Wait– stop– hold on!” Mingi stammers, pulling you off him abruptly as both you and Yunho still to a complete halt, glancing down at him with wide eyes.

“Are you okay? Did I hurt you?” Yunho is the first to mutter, pulling out of him completely, but Mingi shakes his head, slumping back down on the bed and covering his face with an arm in embarrassment.

“Sorry. I was really about to come like that and it was just too fast.”

“Oh!” With a smile, you sigh in relief at the reassurance that it was okay, then giggle at how worked up he must be right now. You understand his embarrassment, but truthfully, it’s more complimentary than it is a letdown – you can’t resist teasing him for it, though. “That close so soon? My, my, what ever will we do with you?”

“Tease!” Mingi whines, muffled behind his arm, “It’s my first time, give me a break!”

Yunho chuckles, gently prying Mingi’s arm away. “That we will, princess, don’t worry. I know it must be a lot. Do you want one of us to stop?”

He frowns at that, pouty lips only making him look all the more irresistible. “But… I want to make you both feel good still.”

“Think you can try using your mouth?” you suggest helpfully, not minding to be the one giving it up if it means avoiding any further close calls – as alluring as the thought was, you didn’t want to risk any scares for later. You don’t expect Mingi to nod so eagerly, but he does, and before you can suggest to change positions, he’s already pulling you over his face by your thighs and keening up towards you.

“You’ll have to guide me a little,” he mumbles, “but I want to learn. A-And Yunho, you can… keep going. It feels really, really good.”

The Crown Prince didn’t need to be told twice for that one, repositioning himself to slide right back in and continue the pace where he left off, Mingi’s face instantly contorting into one of only the utmost pleasure. You slowly lower yourself to his waiting tongue with the gentle command to suck, a hand in his hair guiding him to finding your clit, and as soon as your body jolts in response he is relentless. Sloppy and uncoordinated by all means but with enough eagerness to more than make up for it, he holds you there and laps at you enthusiastically, the vibrations of his moans as Yunho continues to pound him sending all sorts of pleasurable waves through you.

“Keep fucking him like that, Yunho,” you pant, grinding against his tongue, “He moans so fucking pretty for us, doesn’t he?”

“The prettiest,” Yunho agrees, brows scrunched tight with tension and a thin sheen of sweat accumulating on his skin that only made him glow under the light of the chandelier. “He’s so fucking tight, too, fuck, if only you could feel this.”

You don’t get to linger on how much you wish you could do exactly that, because Mingi flicks his tongue in a way that has you crushing his head between your thighs, but his muffled groans sound like he’s more than happy to be there. With all the movement and violent jerking of your body, Mingi’s – your? – crown slips off your head, but Yunho’s reflexes are fast enough to catch it and prop it back on.

“A prince needs his crown,” he coos, slowing down to lean forward and kiss your temple while making eye contact in the mirror. Mingi whines pathetically at the change in pace, but Yunho only finds it amusing. “Aw, our sweet princess. Need to come?”

Mingi nods fervently – well, as much s he can from between your legs, so you lift yourself off his face to let him catch his breath. “P-Please, I’m so close!”

“Me too,” Yunho grunts, abruptly snapping his hips forward again and making Mingi cry out as the rapid pace from earlier resumes, the bed shaking in the onslaught of pleasure. Noticing your hesitancy to sit on Mingi’s face again, the princess looking far too blissed out and gone to be of any help right now, Yunho takes the initiative to pull your back to his chest and hold you with one arm, hand diving down to press and rub at your clit roughly. He’s hasty, but a lot more controlled than Mingi’s mouth was, and you find yourself struggling to stay upright if not for Yunho’s steady grip on you.

“Ohh fuck– you’re both so– ngh– I’m gonna– c–“

Mingi’s back arches off the mattress as his voice cuts out completely, writhing and thrashing about as his cock stains the under layers his dress with long ropes of white, over and over until he has no more left to give. The sight is ultimately what sends you over, moaning their names as your high finally crashes down on you, grinding down onto Yunho’s large hand to ride out the wave.

“Fuuuck,” Yunho growls, low and guttural with none of his cool composure left as he pulls out and frantically strokes himself to completion after holding back all this time, spurting his seed across your thighs. You and Mingi watch in the mirror with heavy breaths as he keeps bucking into his fist until he’s twitching from the overstimulation, then finally crumbles back down on his knees, panting.

He looks to the mirror at his side, eyes half-lidded and dark, cursing under his breath again at the vision before him; the two of you thoroughly messed up, sweaty, covered in come and with crowns crooked atop your heads, while he remains almost fully dressed and put together. He flashes you two a hazy smile.

“How about a bath?”

When you aren’t seen for the rest of the gala, no one says a word in protest. When you don’t take your carriage back to Uchia, they don’t wait for you. Neither do the Reujian carriages for Mingi, but neither of you have a problem with that.

When Yunho’s Coronation finally comes, you and Mingi have only seen the start of the beauties Choeya has to offer, from the perfectly sculpted face and body of its King to its beaches and rolling hills – Yunho insists he’ll take the two of you to their mountains someday, maybe he’ll even marry you up there – but you already know you’re going to love every part of it. The less beautiful parts of Choeya, Yunho has already been working hard to fix, getting your input on how to improve the country’s poorer regions and make transportation routes safer for merchants, and you know that things will quickly change under his rule as King.

When that large, jewel-encrusted crown finally is placed upon his head, Mingi slips his hand into yours as you stand by Yunho’s side; while he has yet to announce any plans of marriage to the  kingdom, it’s obvious that the three of you are in separable, and since have already been referred to as the King’s Consorts. While a part of you holds some bitterness at being given the respect you deserve only after being accepted by someone as powerful as a king, you bite that down to make the most of your newly gained privilege and acknowledge that it was your hard work and bravery that got you here in the first place. Almost as if he can read your mind, Mingi squeezes your hand as if to remind you that.

“I now present to you, His Majesty King Jeong Yunho of Choeya.”

The crowd cheers from beneath you, and you and Mingi clap for him too – he turns around and smiles at you from ear to ear, like the two of you make him happier than his coronation ever could – and then he turns back to his people.

“My first act as King is an important one,” he starts, projecting his voice to be heard as far as he can reach. “I hereby declare that anyone has the right to be whoever they want to be, and love whoever they want to love. Anyone who objects this can have a hasty escort to the dungeons.”

Your eyes grow hot with tears threatening to spill, almost unable to believe the dream you’re living in. Finally. Finally. With a quick glance you see Mingi much in the same boat, eyes glossy but unable to keep from smiling so wide his cheeks probably hurt. This is the freedom you’ve been praying for since you were a child, the freedom you had given up on long ago, but it’s here, it’s finally here, and it’s so much better than you could’ve possibly imagined – even with the barely concealed looks of discontent of some of the townspeople on the courtyard below. You couldn’t care less about them; things are changing now, and they’ll either change too, or spend the rest of their lives staring at iron bars.

Yunho turns back to gesture the two of you forward, taking one hand in each. “This is Princess Mingi of Reuji, now of Choeya. He is still a man and you will address him as such.”

He shies a little under the attention, but a reassuring nod from you makes him stand a little taller.

The King introduces you by your name, your real name, not the one your mother forced upon you, loud and clear. “He is also a man, and a prince, and you will refer to him as such.”

He releases your hands, only to reach into the deep pockets of his extravagant royal regalia, pulling out a small box and taking a step back – onto one knee. Opening the box, there are two rings that lie inside, fitted with the very same red and pink jewels from your gala attire. You and Mingi gasp at the same time.

“And I will be marrying them both, if they will have me,” he continues, voice steady and refusing to falter under all the eyes on him. “As they are the loves of my life, and I wish to have them ruling Choeya by my side. Will you—”

“Yes!”

You and Mingi cut him off at the same time, giggling quietly together at your own combined eagerness. Yunho gazes up at you with all the fondness of the world in his eyes, taking each of your hands and sliding the respective rings on and standing back to his full, impressive height, then giving your hand each a kiss.

“Together, we will bring Choeya to a brighter future,” Yunho promises, ending his speech – and with your whole heart, you believe him.

Any future is bright so long as Mingi and Yunho are in it with you.

Dearest Sister, Her Royal Highness, Princess of Uchia.

I miss you. How have you been? I heard the news about your upcoming coronation, congratulations. While the news of Mother’s sudden passing was most unfortunate, I do hope you don’t expect much grievance from me. She wasn’t much of a mother to you either, was she?

Times are changing now. I’m sure you’ve heard of Yunho’s coronation by now, I understand if any letter you may have sent simply hasn’t arrived yet. He proposed to both me and Mingi and we said yes. The three of us are going to get married in the Choeyan mountains later this year, and I would love for you to come. You can bring your stableboy, too. Will you marry him, now that you have the freedom to do so? Please do invite me to the wedding if so.

We hope to unite Choeya and Uchia with this marriage, then Reuji will have no choice but to follow suite. May I have your blessing as future Queen, dear sister? We will be able to be family still, and both our kingdoms shall prosper for generations to come.

I would also like to thank you once again for the kindness you offered me before the gala, even though I didn’t have to use it. With this letter I am sending gifts of my gratitude – please take them. You and your stableboy are always welcome in Choeya at any time.

I love you. Long live the future Queen.

Your Brother, His Royal Highness, King Consort of Choeya.

Dearest Brother, His Royal Highness, King Consort of Choeya.

The bitch is dead, you and I are now free. I shall see you at the wedding – whichever of ours comes first.

Long live the King.

With love,

Your Sister, Her Royal Highness, Queen of Uchia.

taglist: @absentcaryatid, @svnthpop, @the7thcrow, @syunderful, @mingirn

#ateez x reader #ateez x reader smut #song mingi x reader smut #jeong yunho x reader smut #ateez smut #mingi smut #yunho smut #male reader #trans reader #trans male reader #song mingi x jeong yunho #ateez x male reader #ateez x trans man reader #diverseinsertsknet #song mingi x male reader #jeong yunho x male reader #ateez x trans reader #transmasc reader

[stanleyl]

Just came across your blog and I really like it. I appreciate that you have a place for Tom fans.

Something I noticed is that it seems like you have a Timmy fan who likes to harass you from time to time. Don’t let them get to you. People seem to have amnesia and forget that all the things they are saying about Timmy now, they said about Tom after uncharted. Timmy is on a successful run and his WB deal might seem like a flex from the surface but it really is not especially since most of his peers are also producing. I really don’t see how aligning yourself to one studio that is trying to sell makes much sense in the long run and I’m sure Timmy’s team knows that but they also know it will look good to people who don’t look too deep into it. And I actually really like Timmy but the idea that he is untouchable is funny to me

Anyways, Tom took a break for a reason and it might seem quieter around his fan base for now but I’m sure once his next big project comes along, it will be lively again. I personally think R&J is great move from Tom. Nobody is above theatre and stans of other actors claiming it‘a a sign of failure are dumb. Especially when Oscar winners are doing it as well.

I’ll admit I’ve always liked Tom but one reason why I root for him recently is cause he does what he wants and doesn’t give af what others are doing. He is clearly not competing with anyone and is on his own journey.

Yeah, it seems like he's signed a deal for multiple projects, and with a big studio like Warner, it doesn't seem like a good idea to me, I think it comes with a certain pressure and responsibility, especially if you haven't proved yet you can sell a movie with your name only 💀, but good luck to him. he's kinda their slave now if you ask me.

But that person is not his fan, they're just using him bc they assumed the guy's success makes me feel insecure on Tom's behalf 😭. I can totally picture the person saying to themselves "oh I'm gonna mention Timothee, that's gonna make them so upset hehe", lol.

[magicrainbowkitties]

Ya know, having grown up a fat girl who later realized I wasn't one, and now being a fat enby most people gender as a man, I really feel comfortable with postulating this here theory:

Fatness is reviled in society because it's "failed" gender.

A fat woman has "failed" as a woman bc she's unappealing and weird for men to be in the same space as her (not to mention she is literally, physically taking up more space), and thus she must correct her "failure" by whatever means necessary to maintain her image and her womanhood.

A fat man, by the same token, has "failed" as a man because he's "lazy" and unwilling to put the work on himself to be as strong and smart as he could possibly be. He must always be improving his physical prowess, not just necessarily for the "attraction of a mate" (as many internet weirdos I've seen put it), but because a man has to always LOOK successful and hard-working.

Granted this can go vice versa. But this is the larger mentality I've seen in regards to fatness. Either way, it's also important to mention that the way we view fatness and gender in society today finds its roots in white supremacy. People of color are similarly seen as a "failed" gender, and our conception of fatness as a moral failure in general is deeply rooted in hatred of black bodies specifically, especially those of black women.

The way it is right now, you are only truly succeeding at gender if you're white, skinny, and conforming. And that's a load of bullshit, obviously, but it certainly explains a lot of how misogyny, trans/queerphobia, racism, and fatphobia overlap and inform each other (thus also reinforcing why intersectionality is so important).

It also goes even further to prove that no matter how hard we try, no matter who we exclude, or how much we conform, we will STILL never be enough for them. I could try all day to "just not do trans shit" (actual words spoken by an actual person to me, a trans person, unironically), and yet by simple virtue of being fat, AFAB, and trans, I will still be on the chopping block bc I'm not gonna be able to succeed at playing the gender game correctly. Granted, I'm a very long way behind black trans folks in that regard, but it's still important for folks to realize that-

1. Non-queer gender is a game

2. You have to win the genetic lottery or you loose

3. Even if you win that, you loose if you step a toe out of line of what your agab is supposed to do/act/look like

4. Loosing means you've failed gender, which means you will be shamed and bullied and discriminated against until you can figure out how to not fail (you can't)

5. Things should not be this way

6. Fuck this whole game and do whatever you want forever

Would love to hear other marginalized folks' opinions on this, and do let me know if my analysis is lacking in some areas. I'm just trying to learn shit really XD. Thanks for reading, have a lovely day <3

#trans #gender #lgbtq #misogny #racism #fatphobia #fat liberation #terfs dni #istg if i see any of you in here it's ON SIGHT #transphobia #queerphobia #gender nonconforming

[i-write-hurt-not-comfort]

Aww!!! I love your new Ayato story. To be honest, when I read the tags and the description, it was very hard for me to imagine a combination between Ayato and drugs, but I was very wrong, because now I started to get addicted to this story as well as Ayato. The idea feels so real and doable. I'm even now convinced that if Ayato was human in the canon universe, without those supernatural powers and vampiric sadism, he'd handle the situation in a similar way, since there's no way he'd be the asocial loser in class (-: However, his super beauty as a vampire doesn't work here, and it wouldn't be realistic just to exist to have friends :-*

hey anon! thank you so much! i'm excited to continue it, hoping i get another chapter in before christmas. here's the fic for anyone wondering, it's called the basketball diaries and i'll ramble a lil bit here, don't mind me.

putting it under a cut for discussions of drugs

so i've been writing drug addict fics for a real long time now and i generally consider myself able to make any character into an addict, primarily due to my wide scope of knowing and under the pretext of "it can happen to anyone", and in dialovers, i've now written shu, reiji, laito, subaru, ruki, kou, yuma and azusa. hence i moved to ayato.

ayato has gone up a lot in my heart since i first found dialovers in 2017 and especially since my re-obsession era in 2021. the more i read him, esp LE, the more i learn about his strengths and weaknesses. he's vulnerable, he's got academic trauma. he wants to do well, he does, but he's scared of trying because he doesn't want to make himself look stupid.

and contrary to the ayato can't read joke on my DL server, ayato can read and i think he's pretty smart if he really wants to do something. i.e. his MB after story he DOES get a degree but it's for yui's sake. he has to have a reason. and without said reason, he's void of motivation and frankly doesn't really know HOW to try.

you're right, ayato acts like a silly goofy big strong vampire because he's convincing himself he's The Shit. he bigs himself up as Yours Truly, pretends he's the best, because his entire self-worth growing up was based on the assumption he was going to be The Best. and if he's not The Best, then he's a failure.

when you combine that mindset with a situation where he obviously isn't going to be the best, you have a perfect recipe to write a drug fic i think.

he can't possibly be that guy with no friends, he wants to be liked and the best. but most importantly, he has a deep intrinsic desire to be the best academically too. but he never learnt to study, he has zero self-worth, and starting uni away from his closest brothers (laito n subaru in this case) in a difficult degree is challenging. couple this with the fact i gave him ADHD bc ADHD ayato has my heart, he's lost. and because being the best in his mind is more important than his own health and sense of self, he'd be willing to do anything to maintain that. and if he found a drug which does that for him, why wouldn't he use it, yknow?

i won't spoil too much about the fic there by mentioning yui's role in this (bc yui doesn't appear until ch11 unfortunately), but this is an overview of why i'm so excited to write an ayato addict fic finally.

on a similar note, next up Might be shin, actually. shin has potential, mostly from stuff in his LE. because of endzeit, shin very much has this mindset where he needs to prove he's sick in order to get validation. like he needs to be sick to prove something about himself. obviously if this weren't canon then endzeit can't be a thing, but i could talk for hours and hours and HOURS about the "needs to be ill to get validation of health" trauma (mainly due to personal experience) and it'd be really interesting to write in the context of drug addiction!

#ask #anon #the basketball diaries fic #diabolik lovers #ayato sakamaki #tw drugs #just a goofy long ass incoherent analysis

[uncloseted]

how to actively let go of shame and actually love yourself? mantras and affirmations feel so phony and my thoughts actively work to combat them almost, i feel so ashamed of my past and my mistakes that i feel like i can’t overcome them and i can’t love myself because of them? i know it’s important but how to actually make changes that don’t feel superficial, i’m not beautiful or smart or worthy so those mantras make me feel worse :/

Anonymous asked:

How to learn to love yourself and feel worthy in practical ways? Self love and mantras always seem like a mindset I can't learn or truly believe, due to my bad choices and also being treated as unworthy and unimportant and stupid it feels weird to say "i'm worthy, I deserve good things, I deserve love" when I've been show so many time that I'm not and I don't; both by my own failures and actions and by those around me, how do i practically build up self love and confidence in a way that sticks and doesn't feel like phony or like it doesn't apply to me bc I've done such bad things and I was born bad? I know a lot of my fucks ups were due to insecurity and shame and jealousy so I know i need to work on myself, but how?

Anonymous asked:

how to love yourself despite your own past and fuckups? I find it so hard to love myself and develop good self esteem when i can see in my flaws and mistakes and all i know is people treating me less than worthy, i don't feel like self love mantras apply to me because i'm not a good person or beautiful or worthy, and the things i've done and what i am and the way i've been treated prove that, but i know lacking self loves leads to envy and bad choices for me, how i do improve this?

It seems like this is something you're really struggling with and that's really impacting your life. If you can, I would really recommend looking for a therapist who can help you work through these feelings. Mental health professionals have training that can help them figure out what kinds of therapy will work for you and come up with strategies to help you start loving and appreciating yourself. If you're in the US, most health insurance plans do cover therapy, so I would start there. They should have a list of the therapists that are covered in network. PsychologyToday also has a great therapist finder that lets you get a better sense of what different therapists are like, what kinds of therapy they do, and the approach that they take. If your insurance doesn't cover therapy, there are also lower-cost online services like BetterHelp, Talkspace, Calmerry, Alma, and Open Path Collective. If you're a teenager, Teen Counseling is also an option. Working through our feelings is hard, but it's easier when we have someone on our team who can help us figure out what the next step is and keep our progress on track.

Positive Self Talk

All that said, like I was talking about here, I think figuring out how to forgive yourself and, eventually, learn how to love yourself is a process that takes time. As much as I wish there was, there's no magic bullet for self esteem. Building yourself back up, no matter what approach you take, will feel stupid and false at first. When we've spent our entire lives believing one thing about ourselves, we can't just flip a switch and believe something else. Our brains will push back on trying to change the way that we think because our brains truly believe that those thoughts are keeping us safe. But the more that we challenge those beliefs that we have about ourselves and the more that we repeat the alternatives to ourselves, the easier it becomes to start considering that it's possible they're true, and eventually the easier it becomes to believe them.

I want to be clear that I'm not saying you should recite mantras to yourself in the mirror every morning (although that can work, too). Maybe right now, that's way too much. Instead, I would try to notice when you're having a negative thought about yourself such as "I was born bad" and then gently suggest an alternative to yourself. "Is it possible that I wasn't born bad because nobody is born a bad person?" Even if you immediately reject that idea, just considering it is a start. Every time you have the thought that you were born a bad person, just gently ask yourself to consider that maybe nobody was born a bad person. The more times you do that, the more you might be able to get to "nobody is born bad." And then if you keep asking yourself to consider that nobody is born bad, you might be able to get to, "I wasn't born a bad person." The more times you ask yourself to consider the possibility that you weren't born a bad person, then you might be able to get to, "I wasn't born a bad person. Is it possible that I developed these maladaptive coping skills due to something in my childhood or the way I was raised?" It's a long and often slow process, but eventually you can get to "I did the things I did because [insert thing here- didn't have the tools to cope with feelings of jealousy/felt like I always had to look out for myself because nobody else was going to/was raised to feel ashamed of myself for being who I am/whatever], and although that doesn't make my actions okay, I can forgive myself for not having acted differently." And from there, eventually you can get to, "I am worthy of love and respect despite the things that I did." And from there, then maybe you can start looking at yourself in the mirror and saying, "I am worthy! I deserve good things! I deserve love!" But you can't just jump into the deep end with things like this; you have to take it one baby step at a time.

Other Therapies

All that said, for some people, therapies that are focused on challenging thought patterns can be really hard. If that's the case for you, it might work better to take an approach that focuses on acceptance. There are two main therapies in this group- "Dialectical Behavioral Therapy" and "Acceptance and Commitment Therapy". As I said before, it's best if you can find a therapist who specializes in this kind of therapy and who can help you work through your thoughts and feelings. But if that's not a possibility, there are some at-home resources you can use to help yourself.

Dialectical Behavioral Therapy

Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) is designed to help you manage difficult, intense emotions and to better handle interpersonal relationships. There are some good self-help DBT resources here and here. DBT has four core skills that build on each other:

Mindfulness: these are skills that are focused on being present in the current moment. Mindfulness includes things like observing your thoughts and feelings without judgement, doing a mental scan of your body from head to toe, noticing the emotions you're experiencing and describing them, and exercises where you focus on your breathing. Mindfulness helps us realize that our emotions are impermanent, which allows us to better regulate them when we're experiencing negative emotions.

Distress Tolerance: these are skills that are focused on helping you learn to cope with distressing emotions and difficult situations. Distress tolerance includes things like making a list of distracting activities for when you feel yourself headed into an emotional crisis, using grounding techniques (like describing 5 things you can see, 4 things you can hear, 3 things you can feel, 2 things you can smell, and 1 thing you can taste), and other methods of self soothing. In your case, the distress tolerance skill of radical acceptance might be particularly useful, since it focuses on accepting and making peace with things that cannot be changed, like past events, and letting go of the distress we hold because of those events. Distress tolerance skills allow us to be more confident and resilient in our day to day lives.

Emotional Regulation: these are skills that are focused on helping you manage your emotions, change negative emotions, and increase the number of positive emotions you have. Emotional regulation involves things like recognizing and naming the emotions that you're experiencing, accepting that your emotions are valid, identifying distortions in your patterns of thinking, practicing feeling uncomfortable, and coming up with a plan for when difficult situations arise.

Interpersonal Effectiveness: these are skills that are focused on helping you manage your relationships with other people. Interpersonal effectiveness involves things like identifying your communication style, learning how to listen attentively and validate other people's emotions, and how to build trust in relationships. These skills allow us to build a support network of people who can build us up when we don't feel like we can do it ourselves.

Acceptance and Commitment Therapy

Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) asks us to view "negative" emotions like sadness, anger, and jealousy as a natural part of life, accept that these feelings are appropriate responses to situations that we're put in, and to commit to changing our behaviors so they're in line with our values. There are some good self-help resources for ACT here and here. The book "The Happiness Trap" by Russ Harris is also a really popular starting place. ACT has six core skills:

Acceptance: as with DBT, acceptance is a big part of ACT. In ACT, acceptance involves acknowledging and embracing difficult emotions without judgement or trying to change them.

Mindfulness: also as with DBT, mindfulness is a big part of ACT. The skills you'll build here are similar to the ones I mentioned above- observing your emotions and thoughts without judgement, meditation, doing a mental scan of your body, and breathing exercises.

Cognitive Defusion: Cognitive defusion involves distancing yourself from your thoughts and feelings, which leads you to change how you react to them and to have a more objective perspective on them. Instead of assuming that our thoughts and emotions are true, this skill teaches us to ask whether the thoughts and feelings we have are true. Techniques for this skill can include things like singing our thoughts, noticing the automatic reaction we have to certain thoughts or feelings, or using language to distance ourselves from those thoughts and feelings (For example, "I'm noticing that I'm having the feeling that I was born a bad person" instead of "I was born a bad person").

Self as Context or The Observing Self: This skill asks us to recognize that our physical and emotional states are temporary. As people, we're more than just our emotions, thoughts, and experiences. Because we are not our emotions or thoughts, we can choose how we react to the emotions and thoughts that we have. Exercises in this group can include things like exploring the roles we play in our day-to-day lives and noticing the things that stay consistent throughout those role switches that we experience.

Values: This skill asks us to identify what our personal values are. When we know what our values are and are trying our best to live in line with them, it's easier to avoid acting from a place of negativity (like shame, jealousy, anger, and fear).

Committed Action: finally, committed action asks us to create long-term goals that are in line with our values. What are the concrete steps you would need to take in order to align with your values and positively impact your life?

Final Thoughts

I know this all probably feels like a lot of work, and I would imagine that some of it doesn't feel immediately relevant to your pressing concern. But by learning these skills, either thought positive self-talk, DBT, or ACT, it will become easier to accept your past, tolerate your discomfort with the person that you used to be, change the way that you think and feel about yourself, and change the way that you interact with the world moving forward.

#self-help #self help #advice #self esteem #self confidence #self love #self healing #insecurity #jealousy #DBT #ACT

[smileymoth]

Im being mentally ill sorry chat

I need to kill myself at this point because I'm never going to get better in any way shape or form. I cant eat healthy because I get fucking weird about it. And I'd be okay with it because frankly I don't care if I make myself sick but at the same time I'm scared I'll die at 40 from heart failure because starvation kills your organs and your heart. But I'd not eat healthy in the first place so would it even matter. I hate that I can't say that I wish I was skinny because that means I'm scum of the earth bc i hate fat people even though I dont I just hate myself and everything to do with me because I'll never be enough for myself because I have crippling dysmorphia that makes me want to kill myself. I can'tlook at myself in the mirror i cant look at photos of myself because i hate my body so bad but i cant change it because i keep fucking eating i need to stop fucking eating i need to start counting calories again if i ever want to be skinny and get surgey god its such a long way to go to be skinny i wish i was underweight i wish i hhadnt gained 25kilos over the span of 3 years i need to kill myself because its all my fault its my fault i cant eat or work out properly or be healthy about it because im too depressed to cook for myself and im addicted to sugar and i have no energy or motivation to do things ever. What if its my fuckibg meds that raise my weight so much what if i went off them what if i stop taking them and eventually kill myself because being dead is bettef than being fat right thats what rhe doctors probably want you to beliebe. I look soooo normal on the outside im like smiling and laughing and i looknormal and happy to other people because i have nothing to prove to them for me beung sick beside them knowing i take meds and me joking about being suicidal. I dont have lost weight nor any scars to show them . God i wish i had the courage to cut my arm up so bad i had to get stitches but i cant because i lovr my mom and my mom loves me toi much and i dont want to worry her i already am terrifued of her seeing the small scars on my thighs . I cant even tell if cutting helps because it gives a nice adrenaline rush but then itd over and i feel guilty bc itll leavw scars that people can see i wish people didnt care aboyt scars i wish they healed and disappeared faster so i wouldnt havw to hide them but i also want them to see because i feel like its the only way i could prove to them that im ill and not just joking about it. I need to starve mtself and get skinny because theb maybe someobe will tell me im pretty because ill finally wear pretty clothes and i need to get rid of my tits and i need ro lose the weight for that abd im so scared i wont be able to . Its only 10 kilos it shouldnt be so scary to lose but i lost 5 in dec/january so before i even went to thw gym and now ibe lost nothing in 2 montjs and its so scary i hatw it i hate that im mentally il i hate that ik not ill enough for anyone to care . Im so pathetic it hurts really i need to kill myself but i cant because of my mom and it sucks . Im never going to get better and im never going to feel pretty enough or good enough in my life im always going to feel like a failure so why am i even trying anymore . I want to die but i dont i just want to be happy but i cant do that so i want to kill myself instead but i cant kill myself soim just stuck in this limbo of wishing i was a better person that im never going to be. I wish i had the self control to just not fucking eatif i cant make proper healthy food for myself i dont deserve it i dont deserve good thibgs i need to get beat up on the street by someone i dont deserve good rhings because i havent earned them im always gking to be a little freak thafs not enough for herself or the world because shes a depressed fat probably autistic freak whose only wish is to be happy and find love that i wont get becayse i cant talk to people. I also need to stop posting my mental breakdowns on tumnlr bc its not helping anyone but here we are. Im not a good person am i

#moth post #ed tw #sh tw

[selfproclaimedunicorn]

Did your OC's parents love them unconditionally? If so then has this helped them feel confident as an adult? If not then how has this affected them? What were the conditions their family attached to their relationship? - for the OC you're most feeling

Oooooh, this is a very good choice! I could do this for basically anyone & it would yield an absolute chef's kiss result. I could write a fucking essay on The Royce Twins, & maybe I will one day, but honestly I have been thinking about Aldreda Farwynd lately bc more of her character is falling into place, so here we go!

On paper she is loved unconditionally, like, neither of her parents asked anything of her or were like "hey, I will like you more if you do x, y, z" but she very much assigned conditions to their love. And, given context clues, she wasn't wrong? I guess?

She's her mom's only living child, of course Lady Melusine loves Aldreda unconditionally! But she's a daughter and her inheritance (even after her half brothers died) feels contentious & there's cousins & uncles chomping at the bit to take Lonely Light. Aldreda is all she has as proof of affection (however fleeting) of a Marriage For Duty...but also her own failure in Not Having The Oldest Boy. She just wants the best for Aldreda, she would kill for her, but Aldreda just decided that because she's a girl she has to earn her mom's love by being willing to do the killing instead or by physically fighting the whole world to prove that they both are more than they're perceived as.

Her dad on the other hand...Lord Alfric isn't mad he only has his daughter left. Disappointed maybe? She wasn't what he wanted from any of his wives, but he has her & she looks like him & he likes her...but he's not really warm or close by any means. He'd never meaningfully say anything to imply conditions to his love or a lack of some kind of paternal affection...but the evidence is also kind of there. So she just...becomes all of the sons he lost & maybe then she'll get what her dead brothers recieve (only in death, bc they had unspoken conditions too). Maybe then he'll love her enough to make his brothers back off of her inheritance, & to unprompted, actually say "hey, I love you Aldreda."

She is...she's not not confident, but she's confident like a wrecking ball going through a wall. It's a little forced & very obviously over-the-top. Like, she had to craft it herself because it was only imparted by her mom (& even then it was a little You Have To Be This Way Because Pride). She overcompensates for her perceived inadequacies by Being The Best And Knowing She Is The Best, by having The Moat Loyal Raiders, by being larger than life & everything that House Farwynd is & should be. Because if she's Like That she's worthy of Lonely Light, she's worthy of her dad loving her, she's worthy of every shred of care her mom showed her (even though she didn't/doesn't deserve it). Being a destructive, mythic force who strikes at every opportunity to be The Best and have The Best is what she needs to be worthy, right?????

#asks #ocs #oc: aldreda farwynd #(God she is so unwell...the head must be insane. good for Alicent)

[siover]

Talk to me about autistic Shiv bestie

im so terribly self indulgent when it comes to autistic shiv but just in the way of prattling.. to me (one of) the core tenets of shiv's character is that she is necessarily fundamentally alienated from emotional sincerity and honesty and this in part comes from 1) the very hostile sexist environment she was raised in that insisted on reducing her to a trophy, logan's trophy, at a very young age 2) logan's involvement 3) caroline's lack thereof, despite shiv's repeated attempts to connect with her into adulthood and 4) her only path to success (read: survival) being to prove them all wrong.

so she constantly plays a part all through s1--the part of the distinguished professional who just happens to be the daughter of Logan Roy--as well as s2 and s3--but this time the prodigal daughter returning to emblazon a new path beyond her father's footsteps--in a way that she becomes what she Wants. not in that she achieves her goals, but in that she grows to define herself and her relationships by how well they fit into the persona of whom it would most benefit her to become, if that makes sense.

and tom is such a key part of this--the secret sauce, even, if you will. i don't even think she realizes just how much she grows to genuinely love him and depend on him until the beach scene in s2--it's so easy to read her response to him asking "is this real" before their wedding as cruel but to her it's genuinely baffling, because the validity and significance of that as a factor that has never occurred to her. like maybe this is projection dialed up to a 110 but i do think shiv assumed tom knew it was more about being A Couple than about love, if that makes sense. (which is probably why autistic shiv is so closely tied to lesbian shiv in my head--it's about choosing the assigned roles so you can pretend you had agency in conforming, that it works for you because you let it, it's about faking and masking to make it in a space that's inherently hostile to you and your needs and after being forced to playact at "normalcy" for so long you've lost sight of if there's ever a real person waiting underneath or if you're just an onion all the way down. anyway!)

also shiv's relationship with perceiving and being perceived--how she offers to share her struggles with marcia if marcia can reciprocate, the few bathroom scenes she has scarcely involving mirrors--is SO interesting to me. she uses perception as a weapon and is hyperaware of how the same can be done to her..something something the rejection of being Seen and hence being Loved at the cost of a shot at being respected!! when sarah snook said shiv is uncomfortable with vulnerability and flexibility bc she isnt secure in herself!! the invisible and visible barriers of being a girl and knowing you don't fit in the boxes you should + the invisible and visible barriers of being a woman and having to figure out the boxes or risk ridicule

this is getting SO long and increasingly incoherent but i couldnt end without adding autistic shiv makes even more sense in the context of autistic kendall. for one thing, the mirrors--shiv desperately rejecting a parental figure and being the only person she needs while kendall desperately needing to feel, well, needed--but also kendall is everything shiv has learned not to be and his failure to mask is an integral part of that! it's not a coincidence that logan asks shiv for affirmation when rava says iverson needs time to adjust before he comes to dinner, and the unsaid relief of "at least it wasn't me," when logan tears kendall down for things shiv contends with herself only grows louder each time imo

#autistic shiv is something that can be SO personal #i mean none of this is new and #idk if any of this makes sense #and i had a whole spiel abt the iverson scene which tumblr (thankfully) deleted lmao but yeah its abt masking denial HOPE (that its enough) #and all the bells say being abt shiv (and the others) learning that it will never be enough ......... shrimp emotions #shiv roy #ily for asking this <3 #char tag