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globalrebrand · 2 years

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I figured youre the best person to float this idea to: giving Vil a spa day and following up with a massage. Its nothing close to the finesse of a professional, but you can do something they cant. After rubbing his back and shoulders to ease some of his stress, he asks you to ride him. The past five hours youve been pampering him has got him feeling sleepy and affectionate. Maybe after you *slowly* get him off, no fast movements tonight, he would want to do some cockwarming. I imagine he would be very sweet and vulnerable, content to let you spoil him but also greedy for more. He will be clingy, pouting whenever you leave for something. And while he may want to be the one receiving praise tonight, he will absolutely return the favor another day

Warnings: fluff, not sfw, not proofread, fem-reader. (let me know if this needs to change!)

A/N: Vil is a hard dom, and you can't change my mind, so it might not be as soft as you wanted!

Private Massage: Vil x Fem!reader

When Vil built the massage room off of your master ensuite, you thought it was the height of excess. Of course, your husband worked tirelessly between acting, modeling, and managing his thriving beauty line, but an in-house room for massage? Frankly, you didn't understand why he couldn't just go to the spa. The chateau the two of you resided in was only thirty minutes from the city and some of the best spas in Twisted Wonderland.

But he insisted that it was a basic necessity of his routine care, so you didn't fight him on it. And in his defense, it got frequent use.

Every other Saturday, Vil's beloved masseuse, Helene, a well-muscled middle-aged woman with strong hands that were as soft as silk, massaged him for two hours. Never failing to relieve him of the week's stresses. It was an appointment as fastidiously kept as any date or arrangement he made with you.

For all the years she'd tended to him, you'd only known one occasion where she didn't meet the scheduled appointment, and that was when her beloved dog Gus needed to be rushed to the veterinarian after tearing his way into the gourmet chocolate gift basket Vil had sent her for her birthday.

But today makes the second occasion where the sacred appointment ritual has been broken.

And your husband wasn't taking it well.

Vil stood looking wistfully picturesque in his monogrammed quilted lilac silk robe as he stared longingly out of the french doors to the balcony of your master suite. A rather difficult task considering that snow had piled up outside nearly five feet overnight.

"Darling," you cooed, sneaking up behind him, the swishing sound of the silk of your matching (also monogrammed) robe rubbing against his startling from his gloomy reverie. Rising on your toes and placing a kiss and the sensitive patch of skin beneath his ear, you prepared to offer consolations.

"No one could make it in this blizzard, and to insist that Helene come would be barbaric."

"I know that." He snapped, to which you responded by drawing his face to yours to ensure he witnessed the reflexive and highly indignant raising of your eyebrows. Long ago, Vil learned that kind of curtness got him nowhere with you.

"I'm sorry, my love, it's just I was really looking forward to our appointment today. You know better than anyone how hard this past week has been on me."

It's true. Vil really had put himself through the gauntlet the past month. He just finished filming a slate of commercials and shooting print ads for a new line of designer sunglasses he was just hired to be the face of, on top of sitting through a host of meetings with potential investors for his cosmetic brand and even hosting the Fashion Awards in the capital of the Queendom or Roses just a few nights ago.

So after forcing himself through handfuls of business lunches, after parties, and after after parties. He was a ball of tension and exhaustion in reasonably dire need of a massage.

"Of course, I understand." You murmured into his shoulder, wrapping your arms around his waist and squeezing him in an attempt to soothe his tension when the perfect solution dawned on you. Craning your neck to whisper in your husband's ear, you offered a solution.

"What if I gave you a massage instead?"

His rejection was immediate.

"That's thoughtful little one, but let's be honest. There's about a 90% chance you fuck up my back, so badly no masseuse will be able to work out the knots." Vil cooed as he moved from the window and out of your embrace, leaving you to pout by the windows alone. But you weren't deterred. Even if you weren't the best masseuse in the country, you had your own ways of making your husband relax.

"Oh, well, that's a shame…" You sighed, turning the take up the mantle by the windows your husband previously occupied.

"Darling, I wasn't trying to be insensitive, but Helene is a masseuse with 40 years of experience." Vil was clearly exasperated, annoyed by your pout since obviously you weren't qualified to work on his back. Whether you were his spouse or not didn't matter. It was just his pragmatism.

"I couldn't even change your mind if I did it in that new white lingerie set?" You spoke softly, coquettishly, offering him only a demure and questioning glance.

Your question, paired with your coy expression, quickly delivered the results you were after.

The change in his attitude was instantaneous. For the first time all afternoon, he perked up and turned away from the exit of your shared room.

"The sheer dotted set? With the ouvert panties?" He questioned as if to confirm you were both on the same page regarding the set in question.

"Mmhmm." You nodded nonchalantly.

"With the garters and lacy thigh highs?" He asked, his expression now entirely focused on you. "That's a silly question. After all-"

"What would be the point without them?" You both intoned in unison.

"It was my birthday set, and I just got it, so I was saving it for a special occasion, but what better occasion could there be than blessing my beloved husband with my first foray into massage."

He raised an eyebrow as if to wordlessly say, 'you're laying it on a bit thick, but from his anticipatory posture, you could tell he'd bought your little act.

"Hmm, fine, but I'll be giving critiques on your technique."

"You wouldn't be the man I married if you didn't." You chirped as you pulled the set out of the drawer and dashed into the bathroom to prepare, running past your husband with girlish glee.

A scant half an hour later and the mood was set. Aromatic candles were lit, lightly perfuming the space.

You dressed in the aforementioned set, with heels and light jewelry that wouldn't get in the way of your work. A pair of white gold hoop earrings and a dainty matching chain with a small V and amethyst on it.

You were watching some videos of proper full body massage techniques when the door to the room slid open, and in walked your husband, freshly showered with a towel loosely affixed around his hips. "Now, this sight is far more enchanting than my normal appointment," Vil remarked, seeing your ass in the scandalous panties. Your lush curves were put on display for him as you leaned over the cupboard while you watched videos on your phone.

"Helene would be crushed to hear you say that." You teased, still transfixed on the videos before you.

"That set makes your ass look fantastic," Vil added, placing a hand on the exposed fat of your rear.

You swatted his hand away. Not wanting him to spoil the session by completely forgoing the massage.

That's not why we're here, you remind him. Turning around and plucking the headphones from your ears, you put your phone away so you can focus on the task at hand.

You pressed on your husband's shoulders, gently urging him onto the massage table.

"I'm not here to rile you. I'm here to relax you." You reminded him. "Well, if you think you can. Do your best, my love." That was generally the closest to encouragement that Vil came, but you knew better than to take him at his word. He was obviously excited if the bulge of his half-hard cock beneath his towel was any indicator.

"Don't worry, I will. The channel drmasseur on spelltube taught me everything I need to know."

"On second thought-"

"Shhh..stop! Lay down. Don't be mean. I was only teasing." You chided. "On your front."

Begrudgingly, your husband obeyed.

Warming the basil and lemongrass lotion in your hands, you started with long strokes from his ankle to his knees, testing the amount of pressure.

"You can go a bit harder, my love."

Wordlessly you obeyed, applying more pressure again his long sinews and working into a comfortable rhythm. It wasn't as difficult as you thought it would be. After all, you were likely tied with his masseuse in knowledge of all of his sensitive areas, though your knowledge was of a much more explicit nature. After spending ample on his calf, you moved to do the same motion on his thigh, eliciting a groan as you pressed your thumbs into the back of his muscles.

"You're not as bad as I would've thought," Vil noted and slightly impressed air to his voice. He was quick to add-

"Nowhere near as good as Helene, might I add, but this has been pleasurable."

"And I do so seek to please you, husband." You whispered sultrily.

Vil hummed contentedly at your words and fell back into silence.

The better part of an hour passed, and you moved on from his legs to his arms, diligently repeating the same strokes as you did on his legs before and finally reaching his shoulders and back.

You were pleased with how well this little experiment was going. Vil seemed reasonably relaxed.

He threw out a critique here and there, but for the most part, he seemed content with your work.

Climbing on the table, you straddled his pert and bare upturned ass to get better leverage as you worked on his back.

"I know drmasseur didn't instruct you to do this."

"Perhaps not in his normal videos, but I was watching one to teach the art of erotic massage." You whispered in his ear before pressing a dramatic kiss to his temple.

Settling your weight fully on his rear, you both gasped as the wetness that had seeped through the opening of your panties made itself apparent through the skin-to-skin contact.

Your husband groaned but otherwise said nothing.

You quickly got into a deliberate routine, working on his lower back and subtly grinding against him with each fluid stroke of your hands in an attempt to soothe a bit of your own arousal. It shouldn't have come as a surprise just how quickly grinding your clit against your husband's skin.

But midway through your work, your husband stopped you.

"It's time for you to work on my front."

“But I haven't even gotten to-.”

He tapped your thigh to urge you off of him and then turned on his back, revealing the massive erection he was sporting.

Before you could even speak, he lifted a finger to silence you.

"I presume you know what you need to do."

"Of course, my love." You cooed, pressing a gentle kiss against his lips. But Vil was apparently much more desperate than he let on as he was quick to rake his fingers through your hair to deepen the kiss. His tongue sensuously probing for yours. He releases you, panting slightly, and quickly offers his following command.

"Get to work."

Wait- He stops you before you can climb atop the massage table.

He brings a hand to your sex, testing your wetness with lithe fingers.

"Sevens, you're so shameless. You're more than wet enough to take me." He remarks, a certain pride to his words.

"How could I not when my husband is so beautiful." You always give Vil the validation he wants. The way it makes him preen and stand even straighter never fails to put a smile on your face.

Vil offers a hand to help stabilize you as you straddle him, your knees pressing into the soft leather of the table's surface.

You waste no time lining yourself up and sinking down on his cock in a practiced motion. The both of you moan in harmony at the sensation despite having felt it hundreds (if not thousands of times before).

Your walls seize around his length instinctively as they flutter in an ever-desperate attempt to accommodate his girth.

"You're so beautiful, Vil." coos, affectionately stroking your cheek. You close your eyes, relishing in the softness of his touch. Your sessions with Vil were only on occasion this tender.

"I hate it when people ask you how you got so lucky. Those fools don't realize just how lucky I am to have you." Vil is addressing you with his sweet words, but you are far too lost in taking him to the base of his shaft with every cant of your hips. His cock was deliciously curved towards the most sensitive parts inside of you, and you always to your time when riding him.

"My precious little wife takes such good care of me." He smiles teasingly. His finger came up to toy with a nipple concealed by the mesh of the lingerie.

"Are you paying attention to me?? He begins to scold. Clearly, you looked a little too lost in your own pleasure and not nearly admiring enough of the praises he lavished on you.

"Of course, I agree, Vil. You are lucky to have me." You open your eyes just to catch his feigned, annoyed expression.

"Come here." He demands but doesn't actually wait for your compliance.

Vil pulls the sheer cups of your lingerie under your breasts to expose your pert nipples and tugs you forward by the band, quickly taking one hardened bud between his lips and sucking tenderly as you rock back against him.

His other hand snakes down your spine before settling between your cheeks to press against your ass. You hiss at the strangely pleasurable sensation. The gesture is a small hint of Vil's sadism peaking through a more tame lovemaking session.

And as much as it turned you on, the relative taboo of the touch always sent you hurdling to orgasm in a matter of seconds.

Tentatively you tried to rise up and shoo away his hand, not wanting things to end too soon, but Vil wasn't having it. Unlatching from where he nibbled and teased your breasts, he grabbed your hair and pulled you in for a steamy kiss, but still, you turned, only allowing his lips to brush your cheek.

"No, I don't want to come too fast," you whined, slowing your motions and trying to evade your husband's persistent fingers.

"My foolish love," he simpered, his soft expression and tone encouraging you to drop your defenses and lean into his embrace. "even when you're on top of me, I call the shots." He whispered into your ear.

"Now, grind your tight little ass against my fingers while you ride my cock, understood?"

"I wanted to come at the same time." You pouted, looking into his hazy purple eyes.

"Keep riding me like that, and we will, don't worry, little one. Even I have to admit you're too tempting for your own good." You realized early in your relationship that for someone like Vil, being in control and curating his experience was cathartic. He seldom wanted anyone else calling the shot. The uncertainty made him anxious.

With his compliment, you found a small burst of motivation. Soon you got lost in the sensation of his wet fingers tracing circles on your puckered hole as you clenched against his shaft. And you realized if you bucked your hips just so your clit scraped against his toned abdomen.

Once you felt yourself hurdling off the cliff to your orgasm, you pressed as deep against your husband, feeling his tip threatening to breech your womb. Vil threw his head back as he let out a heady moan, and you, quite satisfied with your work, collapsed on top of him once your walls finally calmed, your sex feeling numb and well pleasured.

If not to relieve him of the burden of your sweat body, then to clean your both. You could feel his cum threatening to leak from your pussy, but when you moved to get off him, Vil held you firmly in place by your thighs.

"No, my love, keep me warm." He begged softly. You were never one to deny him, so with a sigh, you nestled back on top of him, tucking your head under his chin.

You two stayed silent for a good while when suddenly, a cheeky idea struck you.

"While I have you here," you began, your voice lifting Vil from his contented quiet. "Would you mind filling out a short survey about my performance today? The feedback really helps."

Fine." Vil acquiesces, opting in to play your little game.

"Rate the massage on a scale of poor to exceptional."

"It was adequate."

"Ok, rude. What could have improved your experience."

"The masseuse could have been less of a cocktease."

You tap his shoulder in chastisement. "One, you loved it, and two, that was the point."

"Oh, alright, the masseuse's lack of experience was apparent. But she more than made up for her lack of massage skill in other areas."

"Anyway, next question. Rate the sex on a scale of poor to exceptional."

"Absolutely incandescently perfect," Vil whispered as he nuzzled his nose into the crook of your neck.

"Thank you for your feedback." You replied, turning to plant a chaste kiss on his brow.

"And final question,"

"It better be." Vil sighed in exasperation.

"Would you recommend this service to friends and family?"

Vil immediately bristled, shooting up to a sitting position, causing you to let out a quiet hiss as he moved inside you, but he seemed less bothered and more intent on addressing your question.

"Absolutely not! First of all, gross. Second of all, you're all mine."

"I know, I know, I'm just teasing. I never get tired of hearing you say it."

"Now say it back." He demanded petulantly.

"I'm all yours Vil Schoenheit."

"Good, I wouldn't have it any other way."

#vil schoenheit x reader #vil x reader #vil schoenheit #vil smut #vil schoenheit smut #twst imagines #twst wonderland #twst smut #twisted wonderland smut

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friskebits · 5 months

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CASEY JR IS SO SILLY SO HAVE A RANT ON HIM! So, we all know he was raised in an apocalypse, and there aren't any real life examples of how living like that would effect someone, but! I've been taking a intro to psych for a few months now and I might be wrong on a few things here so feel free to add onto this if u want :3 Moving on, you ever heard of Maslow's Hierarchy? No? Well here it is (and if you have just bear with me for a moment)

The way this hierarchy works is that in order to get to self-actualization, which is extremely hard to do in a normal world already, you need to have all the rows of this pyramid fulfilled, and Casey Jr was failed from step one. Obviously he was loved and cared for, but love and familial relationships come after physical needs. You can't build a pyramid starting from the third layer. Obviously the Turtles and Casey Sr and April tried their hardest but it's really hard to take care of a baby, especially with limited recourses and its safe to assume that every now and then he went hungry or was cold and didn't get enough rest, especially throughout his childhood. Obviously he grew up used to his unfortunate life so I'd like to think he sorta lived his own version version of this hierarchy, an unfulfilled one. Now with all of that out of the way, it's so wholeheartedly heartbreaking that this kid will never reach self-actualization which is literally basically just actually enjoying life, being creative, having fun in general pretty consistently. This fucking kid was failed from step one, and will probably never reach his full potential!

He was raised centered around one thing, stop the kraang. Having your entire life centered around one goal is really unhealthy, especially since he knows absolutely nothing outside of that goal. His entire conscious and unconscious mind is occupied with that goal. Even when he's safe and consciously is perfectly aware of his safety, his unconscious mind doesn't know that. Being in fight-or-flight mode for long periods of time isn't sustainable, it'll literally kill you, and he's been in fighting mode his entire life, sudden changes in setting and environment are gonna trigger that fight or flight response HARD. His first few weeks or months or hell even years with the present turtles is gonna be filled with him getting SO pissed at himself for still treating his life like he's gonna die at every turn, not to mention again going back to the pyramid, all of a sudden he's thrown into a place where he can fix himself and reach his full potential, but it's extremely possible that his constant need for a survival situation is a cardinal trait and he might not want to! It's very easy to get used to being scared, and it's very easy to assume he got really used to it.

Typically speaking after an extreme high (for Casey Jr, going to the past and saving the world) you get stuck in an extreme low. The relief we can tell he feels at the end of the movie is gonna be gone and fast. Not to mention the stress of being in an entirely new environment with people he knows that don't know him, being in a place where everyone else hasn't been failed in such a fundamental way the way he was, set up for failure from step one? This kid is NOT going to be okay for a VERY long time- and that's stacked on top of YEARS of ptsd and watching everyone he loves die, his entire being is out of place in the present and he breaks my heart because when you're in a place where you're so flawed, completely by yourself and stuck with people who will never understand your life, you're completely and utterly fucked.

(tags for friembs :3 @clanofjones @paytato435)

#this might not be the most coherent #I'll talk more about this another time I promise #I'm just so- AUGH #He just ruins me #this kid #this fucking kid bro #was fucked from day one #and I don't think he'll ever unconsciously recover #rottmnt #rottmnt casey jr #rottmnt casey #save rottmnt #rise casey jr #rise casey

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supernovafics · 2 years

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•*⁀➷ ❝ 𝐅𝐎𝐋𝐊𝐋𝐎𝐑𝐄. ❞✭・.✫・

supernovafics!

✭•*⁀➷ a series of one shots inspired by songs from the album “folklore” by taylor swift .·。.·゜✭·.·✫·゜·。.

“the one” ━ dylan o’brien

in which a breakup at a coffee shop brings about an unlikely friend, and the potential for something more

“cardigan” ━ steve harrington

in which it had been twelve years since you last saw steve harrington. and you never thought about him, mainly because you’d forced yourself not to. but, suddenly, it was hard to avoid thoughts or reminders of him when after all of those years, you finally saw him again. it was an abrupt moment that oh so quickly brought back memories and old feelings that managed to do a number of things; confuse, scare, and worry you. after everything that happened between you two, you fully believed that you would never want to talk to him again. but maybe that was the exact thing that needed to happen

“the last great american dynasty” ━ ransom drysdale (18+)

in which you thought you were done with him, but there was something about ransom that made it so hard to not give in to him

“exile” ━ ari levinson

in which it had been more than a year since you had last spoken to or seen ari, and with the painful way things ended between you both you were completely okay with never speaking to him again. however, it is a birthday party that finally places you both in the same vicinity and leads to one too many awkward and emotional encounters

“my tears ricochet” ━ andy barber

in which you and andy are going through a divorce, for reasons that were mainly his doing. however, most nights, you find it way too hard to stay away from him

“mirrorball” ━ peter parker

in which peter can see that you’ve changed so much in the past three months and he desperately wants the old you back. however, being honest is hard because he doesn’t want to lose you completely

“seven” ━ peter parker

in which you didn’t expect to become friends with peter, in fact, you wanted to avoid him at all costs after the first time you meet one another it isn’t during the best of circumstances for you. however, after a few more chance encounters, you both discover that you may need each other more than you both are letting on

“august” ━ steve harrington

in which the summer of ‘84 was both the best and worst time of your life

“this is me trying” ━ steve harrington

in which a moment at a party that led to a drunken kiss and a heartfelt admission pushes you and your best friend away from each other. after nearly a week of silence, it’s still hard to find the right words to say to steve and to find the right way to mend what feels as if it has been permanently broken. until you’re drunk at a bar and he is the one to come and get you

“illicit affairs” (part 1) (part 2) ━ tom holland

in which you didn’t expect to end up in this “thing” with tom. a thing that you hated referring to as an affair even though that was technically correct. all of this was selfish and sometimes you hated yourself for it, but somehow you found yourself having such a strong love for tom in such a short amount of time that it negated all of the ways in which you knew this was wrong. however, all good things must come to an end, right?

“invisible string” ━ steve harrington

in which a plethora of coincidences keep pushing you and steve toward each other and you kind of hate it

“mad woman” ━ frank castle

in which you want to get revenge on the people that killed your brother, but you needed frank’s help to do so

“epiphany” ━ steve rogers (18+)

in which when steve is gone all you do is worry about him, but when he’s back all of that stress is washed away. this time, though, things are different

“betty” ━ steve harrington

in which you didn’t expect to see steve at this party, but of course he showed up, and suddenly you’re stuck having a conversation that you never expected to have with him. a conversation that was filled with all of the words that you had been dying to hear, but in your head it was all coming a little too late

“peace” ━ steve harrington

in which you and steve run into each other at a party. it’s been months since you two last talked— which was during a conversation that had ended on the sourest of notes— but now here you both are at a party that neither of you really even want to be at. just for a moment it feels okay to pretend that everything is fine between you two, but then it gets too hard. and instead, it’s unspokenly decided that perhaps this is the chance for you both to get that closure that neither of you got all those months ago

“hoax” ━ frank castle (18+)

in which you know that frank can’t fully give you what you want, but you can’t find it in you to completely let him go

#chris evans x reader #tom holland x reader #ransom drysdale x reader #andy barber x reader #dylan o'brien x reader #steve rogers x reader #nomad!steve x reader #peter parker x reader #folklore #steve harrington x reader

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meatriarchived · 7 months

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sometimes i think about how things were in the weeks that maria first went missing, but back home - not her while she's under johnny's thumb but rather how her mother and ana and other family took her going missing.

the dread that settles in when you get a knock on the door and its a pair of detectives / officers who've come to tell you that they've found your childs' car abandoned off in the middle of nowhere, with most of her things still inside but zero trace of her. how it looks like its been sitting out there, seemingly for just shy of how long it had been since they last got a call from her letting them know where she was, that she was alright. how the worry over the weeks from not hearing from her turns into horror and fear and panic and grief at all those what happened scenarios flooding the mind - of peoples speculations being voiced crassly in front of them.

how desperate ana must have been for literally any trace to come forward about maria, that she took it upon herself to track down where her friends from uni were probably in hopes initially that maybe they'd heard from or seen her at all. and then to let them know that the searches aren't going well, that theyve heard whispers that they're planning to simply stop them altogether. the anger she must feel that her sister isnt being cared for as a person, just another file some badged man can toss into a file cabinet and forget about.

and then i think about the broadcasts. of the pleads from maria's family to continue looking for her, to come forward with literally anything at that point. how their mother probably could barely sputter out any words, but ana takes over and so clearly begs and demands that her sister not be forgotten, that they keep the searches for her going, that she isn't just a number or a piece of paper she's a living breathing person who deserves so much more than to be shelved and scoffed at. how ana probably said things along the lines of "we aren't giving up on you, we will find you - we are going to keep looking for you we are never going to stop, even if it takes months, even if it takes years, we will find and bring you home".

how hard of a hit on their mothers' health all the stress probably took, ana having to juggle trying so desperately to find maria while also trying to be reassuring and positive with their mother to keep her hopeful, keep her healthy.

how their father showed up after word of her going missing reached him, guilt-ridden and angry but just wanting to help in any way he could.

how danny grabbed all his things and returned to town the moment he was updated from being down by the coastlines for his trade school. how he left within the hour and drove cross-state to get there and help however he could. his anger and frustration so evident on him, fighting with it to try and stay a pillar for ana and mrs flores given his long-term friendship with maria and her family.

just. all of the absolute chaos of those weeks, the floating in nothingness, waiting by phones for it to ring with really any news at all. the friends getting together to scour over all the recent places they all knew or could speculate she may have gone to and traveling so aimlessly to every single one of them - looking for literally any kind of scraps they could possibly find.

the hopeless feeling after so many of them turned up with nothing.

and then tie all of this up with the idea that local sheriffs / police depts are covering things up - hiding or destroying evidence, silencing any potential witness, doing everything in their power to not let anything get out because they already know whose involved, and theyre already bent at the knee in submission to these people out in the middle of nowhere with scrawling acres upon acres of property.

its just all heartbreaking to me.

#my brain when i walk past my brother and hes watching one of those kind of crime adjacent shows and it mentions missing persons / cold case #cause its truly an absolute just....... shock? to the core? getting that type of news? and the desperation for any fucking answer #and literally every corner you turn its a dead end - with some being DELIBERATELY set in front of you.#like i know my focus mostly is on maria in during these weeks cause fucking hell is she going through actual hell all this time and they #have NO FUCKING CLUE about it. but the other side is her family & the friends and the grief and rage and disappointment they feel.#the hopelessness. the feeling theyre letting her down. the thoughts running through their heads of: fuck i shouldve joined her /#shouldve invited her elsewhere with us #what if we never find her / what if we do and its Fucking Horrible.#its just... its all just heartbreaking.#[ 𝟎𝟎 ] ── * 𝐎𝐎𝐂. { renee. }

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roleplay-abiogenesis2 · 1 year

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Blog Update / Muse Retirement

//Hate that it's got to this point. Going to be a bit of a downer here so, read at your own discretion.

There is little to say really. Like many people here, I use RP as a form of escapism to my own stress and life. It makes me genuinely happy to get into character and forget about problems for a while.

These past weeks I have been in dire need of RP more than I had in a very long time. An awful timing really, to hit a slump in interactions.

I did my homework, I tried to network. I reached out. A few became welcome and beautiful mutuals, but many, many many others unfortunately did not. At my age, I tell myself I can handle rejection well, but that is only true to a certain degree. Even if I don't let these feelings impact my routine and real life, they are there nonetheless. And I don't want them to be.

After doing research on how to help with the situation, I have reached the conclusion that I have been in denial just how much my choice to make a multimuse blog has come back to bite me in the ass. Things like anonymous RP confessions say it like it is: multimuse blogs are stigmatized and often passed on without a chance given.

We are considered to be unorganized, lack commitment, and not provide the muses we put in our roster we asked. Personally, I thought multimuse was an excellent idea. I thought that making single blogs muses for such niche fandoms would lead to no activity, since my pool of potential partners would be smaller. I thought a multimuse would equal to fish with a net rather than a rod.

I was wrong, haha.

I can be super organized and tag every post with its fandom; I can provide all the tools for my followers to blacklist fandoms they are not interested in; I can commit to respond to any muse in my roster one may ask for. All this hard work won't amount to anything to those who just look at a number and decide I do none of those things without actually giving me a chance to prove them wrong.

So what is it that I can do? Create single muse blogs. The idea of having to log out and log in from tumblr for each individual muse to check notifications, reblog memes and post replies seems like even more work than what I already am doing, but if it is what gets mutuals, then so be it.

I feel like I have lost a fight here, but RP is a hobby, my favorite hobby, and it shouldn't be making me miserable.

So what is the TLDR? Do not panic. This blog isn't going anywhere anytime soon. But I will be slowly retiring muses that haven't gotten any engagement in months. Those I care to keep will get their own blog, and when those are set up and running, I will update you and provide links for anyone interested.

We are talking about an endeavor that will take months, so do not throw me away as a mutual just yet. This blog will stay up and running until everything else is set up properly. I have over 1500 posts to scan through and decide whether to transfer or not (I hate to leave my own writing behind, I like to go back and reread these threads for my own enjoyment).

In the meantime, I hope to still RP with everyone here. If you want to make sure I update you regarding a specific muse getting their own blog, DM me and I'll write a memo to do so. Just know that it is a long term project.

Thanks to all of my new mutuals and the old ones who have stuck around. You guys are keeping me sane everyday and trust me, this is less of an overstatement than it sounds.

Saru-mun\\

#00b || you should check this out~ [psa]#rant kinda?#hopefully not #it's not like I can be angry at anyone for this #just need some changes to fit the RPC better #00A || Saru-mun is still alive! [OOC]

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lefae · 10 months

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PLEASE HELP - PC ISSUES

As mentioned in a prior post, my desktop pc is currently out of commission due to hard drive issues. My pc is my primary everything in terms of communication, entertainment, and what little income I have available to me, being disabled and unable to work.

As it currently stands, I have a primary hard drive that my OS and most of my software runs off of, and a secondary drive that acts as my primary file storage for active use files. Both of these drives are having issues after I had unplugged the desktop during a recent thunderstorm (leaving the pc plugged in during such weather isn't an option, due to a ridiculously shoddy power grid and high risk of not only the power getting knocked out, but lightening running in on the lines as well).

The primary drive is clearly technically recoverable - all the files are still accessible through the Windows PE I've booted into from a flash drive, so I can do backups of things from there. The secondary drive, on the other hand, may prove more trouble than I originally anticipated, as it's only showing as either roughly 4GB or 120GB, depending on the utility trying to access it, and it's a 3TB drive...

The biggest obstacle right now is that I don't have the spare space to back up what I can in order to even hope to recover things properly. And, with the secondary drive doing as it is, it may or may not be recoverable at all - I've faced similar issues in the past, but I don't remember how I fixed it then, which is definitely a problem now. (For those reading this who don't know me, I have severe memory problems, mostly as a result of a brain injury, further complicated by other health issues, which is the largest reason for why I am unable to work.)

As it stands, I may also need to completely replace the secondary drive entirely, as preliminary scans show a mass of bad sectors, though how accurate that may or may not be, I can't currently determine. Either way, what limited income I have (which is barely $100 per month, and not even consistently every month) goes entirely to paying for groceries and medication. Due to my health, I can't sacrifice a month's worth of groceries to buy computer hardware (or a new mattress for my bed, which I desperately need as well, nor a new cane and ankle brace, nor any number of other things I need and simply can't afford).

It is this reason that I am asking for help. If, by some odd chance, you have ideas of how I might even fix the issues (because I'm at my wit's end, and have been stressing over this for over a week now, and it's not like I can take it to someone else to be fixed), then by all means, poke me with your suggestions.

Otherwise, if you're willing and able to help me get the necessary external drive (and potentially a new internal drive too, if it comes down to having to replace internal parts as well), then I would highly appreciate it:

You can leave a tip here on tumblr, or you can buy me a coffee.

Reblogs are highly appreciated as well.

#out of coffee ( ooc )#please help #if you can #donation post #donations #mutual aid #fundraising #crowdfunding #broken computer #pc repair #ok to reblog

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zenyteehee · 3 months

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Today, I am…one month sober

Some days I still kinda hate it. I didn’t become so taken with weed for no reason. For a while, it really did help me with mental health stuff (anxiety, nightmares, etc) not particularly well controlled by my actual meds, with actually managing to get some rest and destress while working 60-70 hours a week at a high stress job, and with managing chronic pain and the physical and mental stress of living with a chronic, potentially life threatening illness. It’s just that after a while, I couldn’t sleep without it and my solution to everything was 🍃

Some days though, I really have started to feel like I’m coming back to life. Lupus still gives me mad brain fog sometimes but I don’t always feel like that now. I feel more present. I do hobbies now, even if I still don’t have a ton of time to do them. I’ve been working on myself, going back to yoga and martial arts. It’s still really, really hard because my career will continue to be heavy in hours and heavy in stress for the next 5 years minimum, I still have lupus with some increasingly severe features, and I still have mental health issues, none of the above have great fixes. But I’m going to have those forever and letting a substance control me is no more of an answer than letting anorexia control me was, so at the very least, regardless of the drug test I have to pass (which started all this), I’m sober now until I stop hating it.

Anyway, look at the flower I’ve been drawing a petal for every day I’m sober (plz ignore my early attempts at calligraphy that make it look like I have randomly added a bunch of “s”s 😂):

#me #sobriety #if you find yourself struggling with weed too #r/petioles is the place for you #regardless of if you plan on getting sober or staying sober #fuck all the white noise about how you can’t get addicted or dependent on weed #you can #that doesn’t make anyone who uses it a bad person #you can get dependent on alcohol too #but if your primary fix becomes weed and you don’t want that #it’s okay to admit that

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shadymissionary · 6 months

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Hi, I feel like rambling here for a bit. I have a kinda life-changing conversation coming up tonight that I'm both extremely excited and extremely anxious about.

My partner and I have more or less been in a polyamorous relationship with our two close friends for...idk, 3 years? We've been getting very close with them over the years, and now that we all live in the same city and see each other frequently, it's almost always on my mind. And polyamory can be scary and confusing!! There is almost no framework for it that we learn about growing up, like with monogamous relationships, and so it feels a lot harder to navigate all of the questions and uncertainties.

Circumstances could not have lined up more perfectly to have this conversation though, so I'm feeling good about things. And it's just going to be an enormous relief to be open and honest with my friends about things that I've been holding in for years.

These two are so important to me, I love them so much they're like family, and I've felt so insecure about speaking up about certain things due to the fear of their reactions and potentially damaging our relationship. But I know they love me too and will be completely understanding.

I'm so happy to have an amazing partner that has listened to me vent about this stuff for years now, and his support feels like the one thing that has kept me sane. And I'm glad that I finally have the confidence and motivation to move through all of this uncertainty into a healthier relationship for all of us.

I've been doing a lot of work on myself lately, starting HRT, journaling, going back to therapy, reading mental health books, and listening to mental health podcasts. Last week I was listening to a lecture on Individuation, from Jungian psychology, and the concept of synchronicity was introduced to me. Basically, finding a connection between your own thoughts/desires and the things happening around you in the world. And to recognize when the universe is slapping you in the face telling you to do something.

I had an amazing therapy session yesterday and discussed the feelings I'm having, and how I finally feel ready to address them so I can move on from all this stress. But not knowing how best to find a time to talk about these things and get the conversation started has been the obstacle. I left the session knowing I had to reach out to the two I need to talk to and see if there's a time we could meet and chat. I even had a time limit on myself of getting this done before they host a Halloween party next weekend.

Lo and behold, just a few hours after yesterday's therapy session, I get a text from them asking us to come hang out tonight. Normally I would think up some reason not to, just wanting to chill at home on a Tuesday night, but it was so clear that the opportunity to talk was literally being handed to me. It makes me feel like the world is telling me to do this, and that it's gonna be okay.

I am going to cry so, so hard. But it's going to feel good to get it all off my chest. It's kinda scary, I've never cried in front of either of them that I can recall. So I know it's going to be a surprise that I've been holding all of these feelings in for years. More than anything, I just want the four of us to all be on the same page.

What's also kind of funny to me is like... in most respects, this should be a very easy step for me, but I've had to do so much to build my confidence in order to have this conversation. Earlier this month I came out as non-binary to my parents, and then soon after to my whole extended family. Like, that stuff should have been the hard part! And it was, don't get me wrong, but it didn't take nearly as much effort and crying as it has to prepare myself for tonight's conversation. The impossible task in my mind has been "open up about your feelings to your closest friends." And I'm certain now that I can do it, and that it will work out. ♥

This final dungeon music has been playing in my head all day as this conversation looms in the near future. Fitting that I just got to this point in Baten Kaitos last night hehe. I am gonna survive from that mf force!!

youtube

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novelmonger · 10 months

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*deep breath* Okay. Taking the plunge. Accountability time.

It's been close to five years since I decided the career I want to pursue is scoping, which is basically editing for court reporters. I started out training to be a court reporter, but washed out after a very depressing, discouraging, and exhausting six months and turned to scoping instead. It would be something I can do from home, self-employed, remotely, from anywhere with an internet connection. From what people in the industry say, I could potentially double what I'm making right now (not that that's saying very much), within the first year of work. And best of all, it's right up my alley - I would be paid to nitpick somebody's punctuation and spelling?! That's like a dream come true! And there is no end to work out there, because people will always be suing each other over something.

It's also been close to five years ago that I signed up for an online scoping course. The nice thing about it is that, because I paid in full up front, I have lifetime access to the website and the course, and there's no deadline by which I have to complete the training.

Of course, the downside to all of that is that it's enabled me to procrastinate for most of those five years.

The situation has become really embarrassing to me, if I'm being honest. Why don't I just buckle down and get it done? There are so many logical reasons why I should be pursuing this with everything I've got! But...it's hard. It's really hard to stay motivated, after slaving away for most of my life at school, when now I'm an adult and in full control of how I spend my time. And as exciting as the prospect of this career is, it's also kind of terrifying to think about eventually quitting my job and seeking out clients, and having to manage my workflow in such a way that I don't end up under a bridge within a year. My current job is boring and doesn't compensate me enough for what I do, but it's pretty secure and stress-free. I realize how rare that is, and I'm afraid to weigh anchor and leave that safe harbor.

Anyway, now that so many years have passed and most people in my life have stopped asking me how the training's going because they've probably forgotten or assumed I'm never going to make it, I think the shame of not finishing what I set out to do is finally outweighing that fear. I need to get this done. I have no reason not to get this done. So I'm going to do it. I may not make much progress very fast - but hey, that's what I've been doing all along, right? Slow and steady will win the race eventually.

So I'm putting this out there for accountability purposes. I'm going to try to check in every week and say what I did in pursuit of this goal. Maybe, with that expectation sitting in the back of my head, I'll be motivated to actually get off my butt and do something finally. If a week goes by and you don't hear anything about this, please feel free to bug me about it in an ask or a DM. I'd also appreciate prayers. I need all the help I can get.

I'll be using the tag "what's the scope?" for talking about scoping, so you can block that if you like.

#rambling into the void #what's the scope?#this week's progress is...making this post #i've been putting it off for an embarrassingly long time

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vannahfanfics · 1 year

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I just wanna take a moment to express my gratitude to the folks who have commissioned me! Just in the last week, I’ve gotten more commissions than probably the entirety I’ve had them, and it just means so much than y’all know. I haven’t really made this real public knowledge, but part of the reason I am reviving commissions is because I honestly need it. I’m placing the details under the cut, just because I’m not really trying to take advantage of the popularity in commissions to spin a sob story, but just because I want y’all to know what kind of impact y’all can have on a creator when you support them.

But the point of this post is to express my heartfelt thanks to everyone who has commissioned thus far and those who may yet do so. I’m working hard to get back to the level of content I was putting out pre-medical school, and I know I’ve got a lot to do, but the support from everyone since I started my humble little circle of RarePair Hell means more than y’all could ever realize. One month of the year is already over, and I’m looking forward to creating more wonderful things that you all enjoy!

From the bottom of my heart, thank you all!

Now, to dive into why I’m compelled to write this little love letter to everyone at all:

TBH, this third year has been a financial struggle for me; I am living in a rather expensive apartment by virtue of a severe availability shortage where I live, and it was either sign a lease with this place or face a potentially rocky living situation with my parents (details I will not go into here). I am only getting by because I take the maximum amount of student loans I can every year (I am already $250,000 in debt with a year to go, and that is without debt from my undergraduate degree!), and there’s rumors that my rent may increase substantially come August. I can’t afford to move then, and then move again for residency the upcoming year, so I’m pretty much stuck.

Even with me taking all these student loans, I had to pull the entirety of my savings just to pay bills in the three weeks between the loan checks over December/January because, when divided evenly between the months, these stipends really don’t go far. It is even worse this semester; we get paid one lump sum every August and January, and the balance is not skewed toward the amount of months. The same amount covers August-December (5 months) as January-August (8 months). After bills, to try and put back money to replenish my savings, I am living on pretty much $1000 a month right now. Which, let me tell you, does not go far these days. It’s more than some people have, and I am definitely grateful that I have it. But it’s still hard.

I have to pay for my boards soon, which will probably be hundreds of dollars, if not over a thousand—for one national standardized test that we have to take to graduate, mind you! Next year will be even worse because the medical school does not pay for any of the travel rotations that we do; all of the expenses are shouldered by us. I don’t know if any appeals for financial aid will bear fruit. I know for a fact that financial lability is going to limit my opportunities, which will in turn limit my opportunities for residency. To say that I am stressing about the future is an understatement.

I’ve never been the type to ask for money, especially from online strangers, and again, me outlining my recent financial struggles isn’t a ploy to get more. But I want y’all to be aware of what y’all have unknowingly done. Seeing those e-mails from Ko-fi roll in over the last few days has moved me to tears. The fact that people enjoy my writing enough to give me their hard-earned money—when, universally, we are probably all struggling—warms me to my core. Y’all’s commissions gave me the reassurance that I have more to spend on gas or groceries this month, or have a small sum that I can put into my savings to use for traveling next school year, or have a little extra padding if something happens.

I know I can’t make this into a side hustle like fanartists can thanks to the gray legality of monetizing fanfiction, and I don’t want to lock my regular fanfiction behind a paywall, anyhow. I write for the love of it and to make people happy, not to make money—even if it would be more beneficial to me to do so. Anyway, I know this boom in commissions probably won’t last.

But for one month, you guys made my life a little easier. Genuinely, thanks for that. You didn’t know I needed it. I didn’t either. And I’m just really full of love right now.

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lucysweatslove · 1 year

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So after my other assessment about a month ago I called a psych NP to medically address the ADHD… I wanted to see somebody outside of my hospital group because 1) I didn’t want to have to go through my PCP (who, for the last three years, has refused to even consider I might be ADHD, let alone the potential autism) and 2) I might have rotations at the hospital and I wanted to keep my own medical stuff independent from the people who are required to assess me and give me grades.

Anyway she didn’t call me back for like 3 weeks, but she DID call me last week and I met with her this Tuesday. Yay, right?

And while she is operating under the belief that I likely DO have ADHD, she wants formal neuropsych testing (you know, like the computer based TOVA thing, I think, and other assessment tools). I was referred out AGAIN, and I think Thursday THAT provider called me back. I set up an appointment for this upcoming Friday, and now I can’t remember when I see the psych NP again, but we are actually going somewhere.

And I’m a little scared?

Like what if the testing doesn’t show enough impairment and thus they don’t think I have ADHD? I did the CAARS scale already online to prep for it, and since I don’t really have strong emotional lability and pretty much no anger, and I’m very much inattention and no hyperactivity, which may be not enough. Like I’m just not inattentive ENOUGH. If I was just a little hyperactive or had just a little more anger it would be enough, but it’s not enough now. And if it’s not enough will they try to give some other BS reason why I do what my husband calls “squirreling?” (which is when I start a project or a task, get distracted, get distracted from my distraction, get distracted from THAT distraction, and eventually I have done maybe 5% of 50 different tasks that I haven’t finished and I’m so tired and burnt out I need a nap).

The rational mind says “it’s so classic inattentive ADHD; of course testing will show it,” but the fearful part of me just says nope, the problem is you, you don’t try hard enough, you don’t have grit, that’s why everything is harder, and they will tell you that and leave you on your merry way to tell your husband it turns out you just suck and if he wants to have a happier home divorce may be required because why stay with somebody who can’t just choose to be a normal functioning adult. (Yes this is catastrophizing).

This doesn’t even touch the autism part. Which since I don’t think that needs any treatment, I wasn’t seeking anything about that with psych NP and she didn’t include it on the referral. It’s not that I hide it, I disclose it to my medical team, I just am not coming into the appointments with anything autism-related as my “chief complaint.”

But I’m also a little concerned that the neuropsychologist is going to blame EVERYTHING on the autism, and then say there isn’t anything I can do to treat it, so now it’s at least not my fault but I don’t have much hope of being successful because I just have to live with it and work within my means which at this point in time maybe I can do med school or maybe I’ll struggle with focus so much alongside the, you know, stress of being autistic and having my cohort know something is “off” about me but it’s not SO obvious that they’re nice because they know it’s autism and instead they just avoid me because I’m weird (and yes I’m catastrophizing again)

Also also my car still has its snow tires on, so my husband tried to get an appointment to swap them out, but they are booked for over a month… so instead he is dropping it off Monday and they will do it whenever they get around to it which could take all week. Not that I’m ungrateful to them always being able to work my car in for tire changes, but our other car is a manual, which I can’t drive, so I’ll be stuck at home. I also didn’t get a say in this so it was just thrust on me like “oh btw starting Monday morning you can’t go anywhere for an indefinite amount of time that you have no control over.”

Which is also an issues because Thurs and Fri I was too distracted with assessment intake paperwork and disorganized to get myself into the gym so I was really hoping to go on my normal days next week, but alas.

It’ll probably all be fine. I’ll get my car back on Wednesday or maybe Thursday morning and just miss another couple days. The neuropsych assessment will be fine because I AM disorganized and distractible with attentional control issues. And even if the NP requires I start with Strattera (nobody in my family with ADHD has had success with it), I’ll still be one step closer to medical management to actually help me function better.

#personal

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adhdthoughts · 1 year

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Yeah, so.. today is an elvanse-day, I was studying for my exams (on 26.04) in the evening and had a midnight flow.

My gf told me (at around 00:00), that I should stop and get to be in time, so I can take my Elvanse tomorrow for a potential productive day, but I was just in the flow and wanted to continue.

(If you didn't read my recent post: Elvanse is hard to sleep on for me, so I better take that early.)

So I continued till 02:00. And now I'm doing posts on here, even though I wanted to sleep already, and it's 03:40 now.. 💀

I really miss my gf 😭, she went to her parents (they live in Austria, about 10h by train) for 10 days in total and comes back in 2,5 days. Thats another 3 nights sleeping alone 😔. I sadly couldn't go with her, because I need to study for my apprenticeship exam and because thats for sure not enough, I have to do a programming project that should be done in 80h that I need to do in the same time-window on work as learning for the exam. So you learn new stuff on work, probably need to do smth for that home while studying. So I'm kinda totally in stress and that's why I couldn't go with her. Her dad had bd and invited me to join them all to a spa/hotel in Hungary. I mean I hate to travel that much, but not being apart of gf and being together with her in the hotel room would be nice. (Giggity)

In 1 month we have 1 year anniversary :3 🥳.

It's going pretty good between us, we want to cuddle and kiss the same amount and never had an argument or dispute so far and we met almost every day or at least spending almost every night together.

I really should study more so I have more time for her when she comes back, because we both really need our cuddles and attention after so long apart. (I swear 1 week apart is so fkn hard for us, it's a disgrace.)

But it's not as easy as said. Sure it would be cool to study now and have more time for her when she's here, but that's sadly not how it works.. :(

So yeah.. Idk if I can my medication tomorrow I wann have a good sleep finally (not really getting that on working days, because I'm too long awake and need to get up "early").

But I'm kinda afraid if I can do it, because my company kinda wants their apprentice/trainees to have good grades and rn, I don't really now how to learn for all that and get my project done in time.

I also want to have time for my gf (I can't study so much anyway) and also have time for my hobbies (gym, wakeboarding, streaming). Especially streaming on twitch sparks much joy for me.

It's hard being me for the next 2,5 weeks, I'll have a really shitty, stressfull time..

I also want my company to keep me after I finished my apprenticeship, so I better get good grades on exam/project.

😭😭😭

Its (04:15 now, fml) 💀

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officiallycake-blog · 2 years

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An update: friend, I am so tired, I barely know where to begin.

About a month ago, my toddler got sick in the nursery. It wasn't a major cold, but it was enough to make her super (and I can’t stress this enough) SUPER clingy. She will cry for me for over an hour if I leave her with my grandparents (who are literally her favorite people after me and my husband, and who are also my go-to babysitters). In fact, we visit my grandparents decently often together, and it's gotten to the point that she will cry as we enter their house - even if I'm staying with her - because she thinks I'm going to leave.

She has also started crying when my husband puts her to sleep. We're talking "screaming at the top of the lungs," "thrashing around to such an extent that it causes physical harm to my husband" kinda crying. Which means I've largely been the one putting her to sleep. But also, she's gotten so so much worse at sleeping. Within the past week, between her one nap and one bedtime and the many, many times she wakes up in the middle of the night, I've been spending 4 hours per day putting her to sleep, and that's not an exaggeration. She's never been a good sleeper, but it's like she's a newborn again, and nothing that has worked in the past has been working now.

I mean, we've always co-slept, but prior to this month, we were so close to weaning her off of that. And it used to be that I could just hold her hand from a distance to put her back to sleep; now I have to full-on cuddle her for a 50% chance that she'll settle down.

Part of it is probably that she's potty training (and making satisfactory progress there). A big part of that is that she now has an awful schedule. (I'm cutting her naps to 1hr/nap because I need her to sleep at night). (Although, honestly, it's really hard for me to enforce a schedule because if I do then I never get to see anyone, and I'm so, so isolated here). Another big part is that she has another cold again - courtesy of the one time we put her in nursery on the day we played d&d.

When I did the math to optimize our social outing potential, the "likelihood of my toddler getting sick in the nursery" was 60%, but for these past two months, it's literally 100%, which I guess makes sense with school starting and seasons changing. And we're not talking major sicknesses like hand foot and mouth or COVID or the chickenpox; they're just colds, but I am so sick of my kid getting sick. My husband really wants her to socialize at church - she has no cousins or siblings out of the womb yet or friends she sees more often than once per week. And I also know that when she starts kindergarten, it'll be good for her to have some basic immunity to minor colds. But more than any of that, I. want. to. sleep., and I can’t tell you how frustrating it is to put a toddler to sleep many times over only for her to wake up and wake up and wake up and wake up because she has a stupid cough. (I ended up tabling that convo with my husband, but we are coming back to it later. She's wearing him down too).

I'm exhausted. And beyond the fact that I literally haven't been sleeping anyway, I'm pregnant, and there's nothing more frustrating than being worn down to the bone and then having a good old case of pregnancy insomnia. My house is a mess. I can’t be bothered to cook, so we've been eating too much trash. I do have a decent amount of time, but I’m so tired that instead of doing helpful things like Bible reading or dishes or even just crafting, I've been scrolling through Reddit (which is really taking a toll on my mental health, ugh. I need to uninstall that app).

All of which is to say that d&d was not going to happen on Sunday. Friday night, she slept night for a grand total of four hours, and then Matt woke up with her cold. (I tested negative for COVID, so I strongly considered dumping them and coming alone to play, but (1.) I needed sleep so badly, especially since I only slept four hours Saturday night, and (2.) It’s really, really hard to justify leaving my kid for so long when I know she's going to make whoever is watching her (even my husband) so miserable.

And I can tell the difference between my kid throwing my tantrum and my kid being scared. I don’t know why she has been so clingy to me, but I do know she's not just throwing a tantrum. She's genuinely afraid of being away from me, and especially of going to sleep without me.

So I'm really, really, tired. And my second kid is due in less than 20 weeks, and I am so, so, so not ready for her yet. Pray for me, friend! And let me know how I can pray for you.

#at the very least #i have been working on the kailon backstory #(gotta get the d&d urge out somehow)#maybe i'll have something for you by the end of this week?#we'll have to see

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restforthe-burdenedsoul · 2 years

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august 4

I initially woke up with really good intentions for the day. Today was gonna be a better day (and it still has that potential since it’s only 9).

I overslept and had nightmare after nightmare about the dog peeing on the carpet or escaping her crate and peeing on the carpet (can you tell this stresses me out?)

I finally pull myself outta bed and clock in but I still have to take the dog outside. But it’s trash day. So she comes out of her crate and immediately runs under my desk so I have to drag her out to put her harness on. She’s literally shivering from fear and won’t cooperate. I finally get it on and she won’t move. She’s only 15 pounds so it’s not like I can’t physically move her but she’s fucking traumatized and then I feel like a monster trying to move her small shaking and panting body.

Then I get this total overwhelm feeling because I’m so.tired. of dealing with her day in and day out. I’m so tired of being stuck in my house all the time with this dog who is afraid of everything and makes going outside with her so hard. I’m so tired of being alone in this house and having to handle her on my own.

I took her out last evening, M was already home and showering and was gonna take her out but she was sitting at the door (her non verbal sign for “I have to pee RIGHT now take me out or I will pee on your carpet this is an emergency) so I take her out. She literally gives no other signal and that is the last train to outside potty.

The neighbor dogs come out ( a golden and some kind of medium fluffy white dog) I didn’t notice. Next thing I know the leash is giving me leash burn. I always have a tight grip on the end of it so she didn’t go far, but was FULL ON CHARGING at these dogs.

And I can’t do it anymore. And we can’t afford training right now. But I can’t do this on my own.

M is only home from like 9pm and we go to bed at 11 so he can’t really do much. It’s dark outside. And she is perfectly fine inside with the exception of peeing when we miss her silent potty alarm. Which I admit is happening more often because I’m so overwhelmed with the thought of taking her outside every 4 hours.

Work didn’t approve M’s requested schedule for the quarterly schedule change. He requested Monday-Friday 8-5 so he can actually be home with me now, but they put him Wednesday-Thursday 8-5, Friday 10-7, Saturday 8-5, Sunday 8-5. So now we can’t go to church together and he works the weekends when I am off. His mom is off weekends, so he’ll still have to be at their house to take care of his grandmom on mondays and Tuesdays, so I still won’t really see him.

And I still have no fucking friends in the area and he’s the only person I get to do stuff with now. I have one other friend in Florida and she won’t drive to me because I’m 2 hours away. I admittedly stopped making the effort because I got tired of being the only one making the trip. My other friend moved to NY and my other one just disappeared after the ex came back.

I wanted today to be a better day but it’s 9am and I’m already sobbing on my couch because I am tired of this. Im tired of feeling so lonely.

—-

One more week until the summer is over and I will at least be at schools 3 days a week. And I hope that helps. It’s still really only talking to children but it’s better than talking to the dog all day. Who spends most of her day hiding under the bed anyway.

—-

M said he was open to moving, and that his mom would probably follow, I know my parents wouldn’t but we barely talk now anyway and they want literally nothing to do with M.

The idea of moving back to Jersey is floating around in my head. I wanna be by my friends again. Because I know we always make time for each other. Even if we’re too busy, we just go grocery shopping together or whatever mundane task you have to do. Because it’s important to us to see each other often. And then I’d only be a weekend trip away from my best friend again. We saw each other every other month and alternated who drove to who. So yah, I can’t get a friend here to drive two hours to me but my best friend and I coordinated 8 hour drives to each other 6 times a year. So. I just don’t believe the excuses here.

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lazuli-sm · 2 years

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Thought I'd give some mindless rambling a shot to help clear my head a bit. Not complaining or being a downer or anything, Just general rambling about how things are going right now just how i’m going workin on my mental health. Probably not gonna tag this at all cause meh no point imo

Actually drawing for the first time in months. Wild

Its almost done. Just gotta do more shading. But i gotta go to bed and head to work tomorrow so i probably won't be finishing it for a few days.

Workin 6 days a week every week really just drains me. But i wanted to do something productive today since its my first day off in 20 days since I had to be called in to my second job twice on my day off. Sucks but ah well.

I gotta learn to have a heathier work/life, which i do plan to work on when my second job haves me work only one day a week, so i'll have 2 days off a week instead of 1. That will really help me i think. And it won't make me financially struggle, just gotta be a little smarter with money from then on.

I do think right now i'm in the best mental place i've ever been. Even though its not amazing and not prancing around loving myself. I am more confident in who I am, not really shy talking to people now, think much more constructively positive when it comes to my art. Which is a bit step up from 2016-2019 me.

Right now just gotta get on top of eating better, working on my work/home co-life, and maybe get some therapy on how to better release anger and/or stress. Thats the part thats veeery unhealthy. And i know i can't get through that particular issue by myself, and the years of trying and failing to fix that anger issue is all the proof i need that I need a little professional help in that department.

Its just a method of working on one issue at a time. And its its gradually helping me get better and better.

I think the first step I took in helping myself was acknowledging the glaring obvious factor to my spiralling mental health, which was just being on twitter and social media so much, seeing and engaging in toxicity nearly every day. I knew for a long time it was a problem but it honestly felt like twitter was some sort of addiction where I couldn't just leave the toxicity. But after some 2019 health things I realize just how much i didn't care about myself, and I knew I had to change right there and now otherwise it was just gonna get worse. So I took bit steps in just stepping back, and limiting to checking twitter like twice a week at the most, and now i only look at it for the potential DM from a friend. Now twitter was hardly the only reason for by bad health, but it was a very obvious and simple one. So it was easy to pick it out and work on it.

The second problem i figured out and worked on was how I viewed myself as an artist and seeing others art. While it took a while, instead of having the mindset of toxic comparison and thinking why I can't be better at art, i instead now look at it with more constructive comparison, and see what I can learn from other people's artworks to further my skills. And now, its actually really nice to view others art, take inspiration from that art, and also think its amazing artwork without being bad about myself. Its such a blessing now.

Anyways, if anyone read this, hopefully this cured some of your boredom and maybe if your struggling with anything, hopefully this can help ya out a lil bit. Yeah I’m struggling to actually post this its kinda hard for me to just talk about how I feel. But hey, thats the current issue i’m working on haha

Those are only 2 things i've worked one i’m mentioning, but its just a case of taking things one issue at a time. Even if it takes years to get through all these issues, which it has been for me. I think if I tried to fix all my issues at once i would've given up ages ago, cause all if it at once is just too much to do. I think its just really nice to finally be at a point where I don't actually think and/or question if i'm depressed or hate myself. I realize i'm not perfect and i'll never be this incredible person who can do anything. I'm just trying to be a little better one step at a time. I also know that, even though I haven’t gone through nearly as much pain or trauma as a lot of people, that doesn’t mean my mental health is in any way less valid or in need of care, time, patience, and healing than anyone else, unlike what past me used to think.

-Forgot to add this lil bit so updating: Ooo i'm also planning on listening to an audiobook at work tomorrow called "the body keeps the score" which I heard is a real indepth look at truama and healing from truama. I think it could be very informative to me to help understand people better, and maybe even figure myself out a little more. Lookin forward to it-

I don’t plan to like share very private information about how i feel with this or future rambles, thats not for the world to read, and i’m not exactly interested in being facebook mom lmao, but just general rambles i think would help.

Anyways here's the lineart of the drawing i'm doing. Its tha booooy ✨️ Working on drawing the eyes, lashes and eyebrows with this piece, as welll as working on the eye shading. honestly i think the practice is really helping since thats the main issue with my art, so i’m glad i’m finally figuring it out

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