#because i need a real job that pays more than $16 an hour and has stable hours

[mollieblue]

Hey #labour, you should hire me to talk at you about how to actually fix Britain:

Terfs are the enemy, Trans folx are the people.

Small businesses need support on the ground level in order to foster amazing communities.

Invest in education to the point teachers are as paid well as their private peers or dare I say as well as an MP. I would say that if an MP describes their role as being vital, integral and essential to running the country, who receives a handsome tax paid salary with expenses paid with the public purse, why is it that other public sector roles are paid relatively below minimum wage? This applies to all public sector workers; civil servants, NHS staff, and teachers of all stripes. They are just as vital, integral, and essential to running the country, if not more so, than the openly profiteering geezers in Westminster.

Why is it that the rule makers are more important than those ensuring that the rules work? Those holding up society and holding it together are so sorely underpaid in this country that they are giving their lives to you at pittance so you can be okay. The NHS is a wonderful thing, and it breaks my heart that we don't fully fund it. The same goes for education, social services, community organisations, and libraries. These currently literally keep people existing at the bare minimum, but when fully funded and staffed, they transform lives for the better.

Equal pay for Equal work 》 Equal pay for Equal Importance. Ignore the 'we can't pay them the hundreds of thousands that MPs get' elephant in the room. I want you instead to imagine a world in which all public sector workers are paid the exact same amount regardless of hierarchy or public aspect they interact with. I'm no expert, but I reckon £86,584, the basic annual salary for a UK MP in 2023, would be an absolute god send to a junior doctor on roughly £38k. My partner practically works at minimum wage for 50 hours when you account for the marking, the planning, the organisation of your entire schedule to an impromptu meeting with angry parents and worrying about ofsted. It has worn them down, mostly because we can't have a social life, spending money on the theatre, in shops, on things that make us happy and human. We can't save, and we can't afford nice things. That fucking sucks. It wears a person out and throws them out of the system that's holding up the world.

Everyone I know is feeling like the above, regardless if they're private or public, freelance or salaried. One solution to help is basic universal income. Give everyone over 16 £500 & everyone over 18 £1000 each month for a year and see how awesome it would be in a year's time. I already know how much good that would do to me and everyone I know.

So pay everyone £12,000 a year and then pay all public sector workers the base salary of £86,000 rising in step with inflation. If the private sector can, in theory, pay whatever wages it wants, having a guarantee that your basics are paid will eliminate sooooo much stress. Rich folx can donate theirs, college kids can do interesting work at college because £500 buys a lot of art supplies and travel to museums, exhibitions, and events. Youth would have means to explore the nation before university or set up in an apprenticeship. Our elderly can use it to afford end of life care provisions or enrich their retirement or hell, just keep the lights on. Working folx would undoubtedly benefit the most and would probably like their jobs much more if they know things are covered.

To foot the bill, impose a commons tax on all privately owned land that fairly compensates the commons, ie, the UK public, back.

Make the North part of your game plan, rather than a foot note.

On a serious note; nationalise the railway system and expand the network. It is hell going east to west here, up to 3 hours to go 50 miles west and just 3 to get to London from Selby in North Yorkshire. How is this acceptable?

Invest in working class politicians to bring the reality of Britain back into government. Without our views or experiences on the table, why are we surprised when the Tories fuck us over again? If you want true, enthusiastic support from the British people, do not talk at us as if we're irresponsible children and actually engage with the very liberal and progressive discussions we have daily. Especially people under 40 - the older generation that pulled us out of the EU will be gone soon - you need to court and actually help out.

#fix britain #uk politics #labour #personal rant

[arostormblessed]

Please for the love of god how do u get a job at the library (also is your url stormblessed as in Kaladin bc FUCK YEAH)

First of all: YES Kaladin is thee character of all time he is my everything and Brandon Sanderson actually personally told me that he is aroace. So.

Second of all: OKAY I’ve got you friend. So getting a job at the library is largely going to depend on what kind of job you’re looking for. Unfortunately the more higher-paying full time jobs are going to require some degrees (usually a Masters in library science aka MLS) BUT there are way more options if that’s not feasible for you.

The easiest job to get at your local library is probably going to be a page position, though they’re sometimes called other names. These are your employees who check in books, organize them, and re-shelve them, as well as pulling holds and doing other odd jobs around the library (every library has a slightly different structure, so some duties may be distributed differently in your area!) Sadly it pays basically nothing, less than most fast food jobs, but literally anyone over the age of 16 can get hired and you need no experience or anything like that. It’s a great position if you’re not a people person (there’s very limited interaction with actual patrons!) Plus lots of people start from here and work their way up the proverbial food chain in their library. You’ll find lots of these positions open basically all the time because the turnover rate is so high, and it’s great if you’re looking for an easy, relaxing, low-stress part time gig that gets you real experience working in a library.

If you want a step up from pages that still doesn’t require a degree, your next option is a circulation assistant. These are the people who work the front desk (in adult or children’s sections), answer phones, help out customers, and deal with collection stuff that’s above the pages’ access/pay grade. Most of these positions are part time but some are full time! It pays more than pages- still not that much but depending on how many hours you work and which library system you’re in it can all depend. If you’re more open to customer service but don’t want to deal with food or retail it’s a good option, and it’s another stepping stone to higher positions with the added experience!

I would also recommend seeing if your local library has any special programs it houses that are hiring. Mine for example has a Makerspace area that has a 3D printer and cool machines galore, and those programs sometimes have full-time jobs available that don’t require a degree. Plus it’s a lot of fun.

(I will say that sometimes “””networking””” can be the key to getting hired in a library system. If you’ve been around the library a lot, whether it be volunteering or interning or working as a page or just being a memorable patron, if you know everyone’s name and are familiar with how the system works, it gives you a HUGE boost in the eyes of librarians. They also have a tendency to hire people just based on vibes, so if you’re just a super nice courteous cool person chances are you’ll get the job.)

Full time, higher paying jobs like reference librarians usually require an MLS but sometimes you only need a bachelor’s degree. It all depends on your library system. There are also soooo many different departments in the library that I’m not quite as familiar with (IT! Maintenance! Technical & collection services! Local history! Outreach! ILL! Children’s! Programming!) So if any of those are what really floats your boat I’d suggest doing a little research and seeing if it sounds like you!

Above all, the first step you can take is to just go to your local library’s website and check their job postings. It will (hopefully) give you way more accurate information than I’ve just rambled on about and give you a good place to start!

I wish you lots of luck, my friend. If you have any other questions about libraries I will do my best to answer them.

#libraries #wow this was a lot of typing. I’m not sure if it was helpful at all but I did my best!! #libraries are the coolest places to work ever and I will scream it from the rooftops till I die. #please no one attack me if I got something wrong lmao a lot of these things are way different across library systems #but i LOVE libraries and will talk about them always. #and side note i am very extremely proud of my url #kaladin is my forever blorbo

[peacht44]

literally screaming for him to wake up and see me and appreciate me for everything I’ve done for us since coming back home to him after the break(up) because he is losing me, I’m getting tired of fighting. And still he is apathetic at best.

Currently in financial ruin for this “man” ama.

Idc if this isn’t want tumblr is for- I literally have lost my entire family due to my decision to come home and try to make it work with him again after what he did to me, they don’t respect me and are keeping their distance. So I have no family of my own blood (just my little fam who adopted me as their own for giving their dad another chance) and exactly 1 friend who lives on the other side of the country. I have no one and nothing currently (other than a sick ass LDR stash necklace dupe on the way 🙌🏻) so forgive my old ass for being a MySpace kid who hated fb and went offline during the tumblr era, I’m just gonna rant here when I need because NOBODY knows me here.

It’s been 8 years since I attempted last, but each and every day lead me further down that path again and my depression sinks deeper and deeper and gets darker and more unholy by the day 😪 I’m too sunny and too bubbly to feel this way god I hate feeling this way. It would be so easy too and then 🤫 all quiet, no more pain physical or metaphysical or even emotional god that would be a dream. I can’t even buy my dad a Father’s Day or birthday gift (both back to back this month) because I threw my whole paycheck on the house we share that he’s refused to pay for (or even work for like physically Have a job for) in almost 2 years.

Where tf did my self respect go?? Why can’t I be the baddie I try to uplift other women to be when they’re down? Why am such a pushover who let’s him get away with murder??

My whole life is falling apart and all I can think is that no one is coming to save me this time. All I have is me and my own back, and even I hate me. I wish so badly I could be someone else, literally ANYONE else, and so I wish even harder for the silence. That eerie quiet to be only pierced by occasional muffled wails that I let out behind my hand clamped over my mouth through gritted teeth with the vent turned as high as it can go where no one can hear me slowly lose every single part of me that made me human, or even just me.

Maybe a nice grippy sock vacation WOULD be just the ticket to getting my mental back on track. At least it would be quieter there, in my head and in my bubble. For now my only comfort are racing nightmare anxious thoughts that play on a loop every minute or every hour of every day, I can’t seem to quieter them or stop a panic attack anymore. I don’t even know how to breathe on my own any more. I am 36 and no better off than living on my own for the first time at 16 again, and all I want to do is d*e, sometimes. Or kill the pathological people pleaser I give all of my energy to being. It’s time to go scorched earth on this Mf but it still won’t make him see me, or love me; or appreciate me for being a GD DISABLED WOMAN HE HAS LET FINANCIALLY SUPPORT HIM FOR 2 YEARS NOW. It’s gaslight gate-keep and hypocrisy 24/7 on my life so maybe it’s time to girlboss my way tf out of it and ghost every living soul I know, pack up my fur babies and flee this hell hole I’ve let my life become again. This Mf couldn’t even bother TO DO A THING for my birthday this year but cry about how he couldn’t afford a gift for me. Not try to earn some cash to even go on a date, just whine about not having the funds and then having the audacity to pass out on me early and let me agonize over every single thing I’ve fucked up in my life lately by diving deep down a cold lane with him again.

Nothing feels real anymore. I don’t even feel like a person. I’m so numb yet so soft and emotional and unstably sad all of the time but all I do is avoid it. Sitting in this pain might kill me, I can’t risk that.

#iawtds

[thundergoodspeed]

so goddamn sick of people telling ppl there’s a right and wrong way to be poor/homeless/on welfare/whatever.

i’m poor. i’m making 16 an hour, 80 hours a paycheck, make enough for bills and rent and phone bill but guess what? i’m bad at money. i’m responsible enough to try and make payments on time but if i’m at the store and i see something that’s just outside my budget but i really want it? it’s bought. i see something tasty on clearance? mine. i wanna spoil my cat with slightly better food than i usually get? she’s getting it. final space has a LAST EVER shipment of merch coming out? you bet your ass i did the shop pay “pay in four”. and yeah, this is fucking stupid of me. but if i wanna get myself a nice snack because i’ve been having a rough and anxiety-filled few days that’s on me. the people who help me out, whether by commissioning me or by lending me a few bucks here and there, have seen me do this. some of them encourage me. because life fucking sucks and it’s nice to spring for the latest ffvii compilation release even if it puts me a bit in the hole because while i’m playing it i can relieve the fucking stress and anxiety that won’t otherwise go away. (doesn’t stop me from crying at the end of crisis core but fictional tears are better than real ones.)

on to rent. idk if it’s everywhere and i definitely have no idea if that’s what loke is doing (guess what? i have her blocked so i don’t know ANY of what she’s doing! 😯 shockerrrr) but here in college-rich utah if you need to move before your lease is up you can sell that lease to someone else. sometimes you have to. rent is being fucking gouged to hell. the last place i lived? i had to move because rent was going up by FOUR HUNDRED BUCKS and my sister, whom i was housing after a bad breakup and who didn’t have a job for more than a month at a time during that entire year and a half, wasn’t helping.

oh, and messy houses? mind fucking off about that? my house is a disaster atm because not all of us have the necessary executive function to keep an area clean. ever had adhd? y’all go on about ableism and then bitch that someone’s got a dirty house...literally check yourself.

you don’t know the circumstances. and people who are poor don’t owe you every single detail of why they’re poor. they don’t owe you their grocery receipts. they don’t owe you a screenshot of what their landlord is charging. and they don’t owe you the time of day. there is a certain level of transparency needed if they’re asking people to give out of the goodness of their hearts, but for the most part i’ll refer you to one of my favorite posts:

#ooc; out of cookies #anti-callout #use this as a screenshot for your callouts idc #all your callouts are is complaining that someone hurt your feelings #and you caused me very severe anxiety over all this but now? now i just realize you've got nothing #call me out for whatever i don't care anymore #what you think you have on everyone is misinformation and 'wah they won't let me play with their toys' #i'm going back to more important things

[leggigoesabroad]

Karma is the guy on the Chiefs coming straight home to me

Writing this first post from Eli’s mini iPad that Hil lent to me for this trip to Africa, while in the pitch black in my tented king bed at Kifaru House in Laikipia, Kenya. What a sentence! Also, typing on an iPad is much harder than a computer so bear with any formatting problems or typos. It’s 5:26 am and I leave for the morning game drive at 6:30. I woke up at 4 am unable to fall back asleep so I’m just leaning into it. Plenty of time for a nap later.

Well well well! To back up, I’m im Africa for about 16 days for an amazing safari through work. This is one of the perks of the job and it doesn’t feel real. Lots of stress anxiety and prep went into it, and I’m finally here. The flights were LESS than enjoyable - 9 hours Denver to Frankfurt, two hour layover, and another 9 hours to Nairobi. I hit a wall with about 5 hours left in the last flight and wanted to jump off the wing of the plane. Joints ached, stomach hurt, couldn’t sleep or get comfortable, you name it. Thinking of paying to upgrade the way home to economy plus because maybe I’m upgraded cabin category rich? We’ll see! I got in late, around 11 pm, and was whisked to Giraffe Manor in Nairobi. It’s a very famous hotel known for the way the giraffes who live there lean their heads into the breakfast nook and eat off the table. Very on brand for instagram influencers which I BASICALLY NOW AM. I was so grateful for the bed when I got there I barely took in my surroundings for the 12 hours I was there, but I will never forget the amazing shower. Tbh all of the showers so far have been incredible. Powerful, boiling hot, like getting a deluge of hot water with amazing pressure and simply washing away my ~pain. I was treated to a delicious breakfast at Giraffe Manor while the staff tried to entice the giraffes to come nearby despite the rain, and one actually did! I was happily watching another couple take pics with her and then the staff asked if I wanted some too, so I jumped at the chance bc why not?! deeply grateful I put on Glow Screen before breakfast because my skin simply glowed in the photos. It sounds dumb but looking back on rare photos and looking busted is so disappointing - so wear the minimal makeup! You won’t regret it!

My Safari Director, Wesley, picked me up at 10 am to go over to Giraffe Centre, which is the other side of the same fields as Giraffe Manor. That was almost equally cool - I got to hand feed the giraffes there. Tbh Giraffe Manor was awesome, but a little over-hyped for me. People lose their minds trying to book it because it’s so famous on social media, but it’s ludicrously expensive and so so so hard to get. I don’t think it’s worth all of that! My biggest takeaway will be lightly guiding my guests against it now that I’ve experienced it. Maybe not my company’s goal but hey you can’t control my takeaways!!!

We then went on to Sheldrick Wildlife Trust, an elephant orphanage and rehabilitation center. This has been my favorite thing so far. I could talk about it forever. The 27 baby elephants in their care were all located when their mothers died of various causes - poaching, drought. Baby elephants cannot survive in the wild without a mother, as they need to nurse for the first few years of their life. The Trust brings them in for the first few years of their life and takes care of them in their infancy, with the goal of eventually reintroducing them in the wild into a new herd, which is a 5-10 year process. They slowly wean them off milk and give them more and more time in the wild. The elephants come back each night to sleep with their keepers, and eventually don’t come back every night, spending more and more time with their new families until they don’t come back at all. 😭 The Trust has saved and successfully reintroduced over 300 elephants in their tenure, and the elephants will always remember the humans when they see them again. Elephants have got to be the most fascinating creatures on earth, bar none. Maybe octopus come close?! I could have stayed there all day listening to their stories. And this was in the middle of aggressive jet lag so you know it was really gripping!

We met up with my colleague Krista for lunch, who I’ll be spending the rest of safari with. Krista is lovely and we get along great, so it will not be a difficult way to spend 15 days! After lunch we checked into our next hotel for the night, Hemingways Nairobi. In contrast to Giraffe Manor, we book a TON of guests there so it was great to experience it firsthand. I was supposed to take copious notes on every detail of the place but the exhaustion simply did not allow! I’m on day 4 now so hoping it starts to abate soon, but the anti malaria pills I’m on have me all fucked up. They cause crazy vivid dreams and also a need to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night. I’m not miserable by any means, but it could be better! Wesley assures me the side effects will stop and I would love that. They make the passage of time weird too. I’ll feel like I’ve been sleeping forever, and will wake up and look at my phone, and it’s only an hour after I went to bed. What?!

Also, yesterday was my little Len’s first birthday. Gutted to miss it half a world away, but my parents took excellent care of her and gave her a “yes” day. The best kind of day!!! She’s a very lucky girl. And she leaves in a few days to go to her two week board and train program. It will be so good for her, but if I think about it too long I’ll cry, because I know she won’t understand where she’s going or why or where her family is. She will adjust because dogs live in the moment but still, sobs.

I have more to write about yesterday and our first game drives - they were so special. But it’s almost 6 and I need to meditate and get dressed! As jet lag continues to improve i hope I’ll be able to blog daily. But holding this little iPad hurts my hands and thumbs. Oh well! Off to see the African sunrise :)

[whitneydaniell]

by: Ashley Flowers Published: Aug 16, 2022 Genre: Mystery, Thriller, Fiction 312 Pages, Audio Book (HH:MM) 10:35

★★

GoodReads Synopsis:

Everyone from Wakarusa, Indiana, remembers the case of January Jacobs, who was found dead in a ditch hours after her family awoke to find her gone. Margot Davies was six at the time, the same age as January—and they were next-door neighbors. In the twenty years since, Margot has grown up, moved away, and become a big-city journalist, but she’s always been haunted by the fear that it could’ve been her. And the worst part is, January’s killer has never been brought to justice.

My Review:

Meh. Just meh, for me.

I have this thing where I don't like when regular people are investigating crimes and murders more/harder than the paid public servants who are supposed to do it.

Margot is no professional crime fighter but she is a journalist who comes back to her small town to care for her ailing uncle. While back in her small town, word of another murder gets around and that kicks up dust around the murder of January Jacobs when Margot was just a kid.

January gives very JonBenet Ramsey. The cast of characters in this town gives the same vibe too. January's family are suspects, the police are suspects, everyone has secrets and, no one is telling the truth.

I've got nothing else. Margot might as well, sign up for the police force and become a detective because, she's the only person doing any real work - despite her uncle actually needing help and her job threatening to fire her almost every day. Somehow in the end Margo t is a hero, she gets a rise, gets to work from home, and has more than enough money to now pay someone to care for her uncle -- *eye roll*.

One-Word Summary: Disappointing

#ashley flowers #all good people here #mystery #thriller #true crime #books i read #books to read #books #tbr 2022 #audible #book shelf #reading

[mcjour]

i know it’s a little early,  but i am already thinking a little about summer jobs.

first of all, one option is to just take the whole damn summer off and i’m really not opposed to that. but i figure i will get bored and also i figure i need SOME money. 

the most obvious option would be to do what i did last year, which was summer school through the school district i am already working in. it was easy and it was like 4 weeks/ 4 days a week/ 4 hours a day or something. so made a little money and still had afternoons off/ many weeks off. it felt like i had a little summer beforehand and a little summer after because of the spacing between the actual school years. this year maybe less so because of the end of the year getting pushed back but alas.

but i figure why limit myself to that??? there are so many other summer jobs i could consider.

an obvious one is summer camp and idk why that kinda appeals to me. kids would have more fun than they did in summer school, that’s for sure lol.

there are many different types of summer camps i think. the most well known one around here is probably the YMCA one. which doesn’t look too bad. but let’s be real... i hate outdoors. and i can’t swim. so like.... idk. i think a full day outside with kids might just kill me. too much. not much of a “break” at that point. 

I would never ever ever do a sleepover camp, just to be clear, just a day camp.

i think the ymca has options at the ymca itself, which seems a hell of a lot more ereasonable to people like me. or other places have other summer day programs that are indoors. those are more my speed. though again, maybe not a break.

there are other seasonal jobs too. obviously the unable to swim thing means lifeguarding is out. LOL. but something like ice cream scooper is still possible. but i think i would be miserable there too. retail is miserable.

not to mention a lot of summer jobs just do not pay well!!! i’m not busting my ass for minimum wage. 

also a lot of summer jobs are geared towards teens and college students lol so like yes i am still young enough to be a camp counselor but like if all my coworkers are 16 then that’s hella weird.

i know other people my age are more advanced roles like camp director type stuff and all that but 1) i don’t really have the experence for that and 2) ewww that’s way too much work

so i guess i’m back at square one. summer school. and i still had plenty of time to hang out with friends, go places, etc. so not a bad choice by any means....

though i have options even there i guess. last year i did a “gen ed” summer school but there are other ones... MLL summer school, special ed summer school.... so just adding another dimension of indecision. i guess the gen ed stuff makes most sense since that’s what i already do, but special ed might expand my skill set kind of a thing. plus it’s for a longer day/ more weeks, so more money. but i’m not sure i want that for my summer. the bigger break the better?

i guess i have to think of what i want to do with my summer. like, do i want to go on a trip (LOL i doubt it, but like a day trip). is my brother visiting? are my parents renting a beach house? am i buying a season pass to canobie lake? like if i have a lot of plans then maybe i want to opt for the easy summer school. but if i have literally nothing to do maybe i could go for a more demanding job. nah. let’s relax this summer!

clearly i’m not relaxing if i am thinking about it  in february....

[phelpswhitney27]

driver skill up mario kart

Depending on their state in which you live, when teenagers reach the legal driving age of 16, 17 or 18, they to perform get behind the wheel. Oh happy days for wives. No shuttling the kids to and from school, sports, lessons and the set. No time schedules. But after reading Anna Quindlen's "Driving towards Funeral," Newsweek June 11, I was stunned by the saddest, most disturbing data I've seen on American teenage deaths. "Car crashes are the Absolutely. 1 cause of death among 15-to-20-year-olds in the united states." The culprit is not DUI. That Oscar belongs to wealthy and famous. It's speeding-plain old fashioned speeding and nobody gets to pay a visit to rehab. Older fans like him because they liked his father. Middle age fans like him and link him to Budweiser and dirt monitors. The younger crowd likes the concept that he's single, good-looking, and makes quite a few cash driving real increasingly! For a start Rodriguez has a first-class track record of success, so he's not just gonna be forget the right way to coach. He's faced an even bigger rebuilding job than most coaches in his position also. driver talent License Key be more different than Carr's in playing style, so has been inevitably most likely to be some growing pains as Rodriguez recruits players more suited to his luxury. He also faced a serious defection of talent in 1st year when good NFL players like Jake Long, Chad Henne, and Mario Manningham all went pro and Ryan Mallett left and there weren't guys of similar caliber in it in the pipeline. At Weaverville in 1956, the race was red flagged after every car had wrecked or broken-except Curtis Turner's. He won by non-payment. He also beat out the pole sitter Speedy Thompson at the southern 500, winning by two laps. In qualifying for the Daytona 500 in 1967, Curtis took over as first to interrupt the 180 mph speed barrier by using a speed of 180.831 miles-per-hour. Firstly whenever they would choose Jules Bianchi the they'd be generating a relationship with Ferrari as Bianchi hails from the Ferrari Young Driver Academy. Rumours have spread that Force India will sign Bianchi in the near future, in order to have a Ferrari engine for the 2014 holiday. Bianchi did drive for they in Jerez in directory submission test session of the time of year. Bianchi finished second near the final day's testing in Jerez and he feels that he or she has shown enough of his talent to sway the management at Force India that he is good enough for a race seat in 2013. Now Junior has his best chance for success being with a top grade racing unit. He also is under more scrutiny than for similar reason, being with good quality racing nfl team. So far in 2009 Earnhardt's three stable mates have won races and are within the top ten your market title rankings. The number eighty-eight stands out for its lack of performance driver talent in comparison with the five, twenty-four and forty-eight. It's a jungle out there, ? Speeders, tailgaters and road raging crazies seem to need to kill you or them. I had just completed a Driver Safety Course when Someone said Quindlen's article, so Employed to be particularly tuned in to driving rules and report. Incidentally, taking the course entitles in order to definitely a discount on auto or truck insurance, an individual have end up being over fifty years of age to enroll. Forty may be fresh fifty, but like it or not, your reflexes are noticeably slower after age 50; your eyesight is not quite as keen. Admit it boomers, our physiology isn't what it was once. And no amount of botox or hormone therapy can change that, incredibly least not in spite of this. driver talent Activation Code is a fantastic tool for entrepreneurs and pros who feel stuck in a rut. There is no risk and also the possibilities are endless. Get the new year off to a good focus on the magic of brainstorming and check out energy hang in there!

#DRIVER TALENT

[miralwb]

Easy translator 12.5 free key

#Easy translator 12.5 free key professional#

When posted by basic site users (users without a membership subscription).*.Job postings will require staff review in the following cases: If your job hasn't appeared after a 24-hour period, please submit a support request.ġ.16 - Why do my job postings require staff approval? You may also want to check to make sure you have provided complete and correct contact details. This is usually done within 12 hours of the entry being posted. If you are a basic user of the site, your job posts will require vetting. Please refer to the termination policy.ġ.15 - I've posted a job but it is not visible yet. The posting will be removed, associated memberships will be revoked, and you will be banned from future postings.ġ.14 - For what reasons can a job poster be banned from ? Web portals, those selling databases of translators, etc., or anyone suggested an arrangement whereby the recipient of a posting would be paying the poster, will be regarded as an illicit advertiser. The job posting form is for proposing business arrangements of one type: job poster paying posting recipient to perform services. That is up to you, but entering your real maximum helps ensure that the job is visible (and appealing to) a larger group of professionals.ġ.13 - I offer a service for translators seeking jobs. That document links to data on the rates charged by translators registered with .ġ.12 - Should I enter a budget range that is a bit lower than what I can actually afford to pay? If you do decide to enter a range, consider consulting the guide: Translation: Determining what service you need and what it will cost. If you have no experience in pricing translation, you might want to pass on entering a budget range. For more information, see: Translation: Determining what service you need and what it will cost.ġ.11 - When I am given an opportunity to indicate a budget range, how should I go about estimating? If none is willing to work within your budget, you may want to consider either increasing your budget or seeking alternatives.

#Easy translator 12.5 free key professional#

is home to the world's largest network of professional translators. For more information, see: About > Job posting changes.ġ.10 - What if no one quotes within my budget range? To reflect the fact that the individual translator is in the best position to determine what he or she needs to charge on a given job. Any quotes you receive will have been based on the information you supplied in the job posting.ġ.9 - Why was the option to enter rates information from the start removed? This means that none of the professionals who meet your job criteria has a habit of considering client budgets before quoting. If among those who meet the criteria there are members who prefer to take your budget range into consideration when deciding whether or not to quote, you will be given an opportunity to provide a budget range.ġ.8 - I posted a job and no opportunity was provided for me to enter a budget range. Project details-work content, payment, deadline, etc.-must be agreed upon between you and the service provider directly.ġ.7 - Where do I enter rates information?įirst enter details related to the job, providing as much detail as possible. The job form will only help you to meet service providers. This is possible because charges a yearly subscription fee to the service providers.ġ.6 - How are prices and deadlines set for jobs? Also, job postings may not contain content of an adult nature.ġ.5 - What are the fees I will have to pay? Please refrain from posting job notices that do not specifically require the services of multilingual professionals. Your right to enter quotes on jobs will also be revoked.ġ.4 - What type of jobs are not allowed at ? Instead, you will only inconvenience fellow service providers, who expect only legitimate job opportunities to come via this form. There is no possibility that you will find a client using this form. Translation, interpretation, localization and other jobs requiring the services of multilingual professionals or companies may be posted.ġ.3 - Can I use the job posting form to advertise my services? For InstantJobs, payment must be made in advance by credit card.ġ.2 - What kind of jobs can be posted at ? If the posting method is used, certain contact information is required: name, email, phone, country, etc. Any business or individual can outsource via.

#Easy translator 12.5 free key

[lavender---sunshine]

anyway back to panicking

#i have until october to move out and i know its only april but the months go by so fast #my current manager whos kinda the glue that hold my work together is leaving after the 1st #and they've been training me to take his place and im in no way prepared and on top of that im also planning on leaving #so now im training training training some new people to take my place #because i need a real job that pays more than $16 an hour and has stable hours #and my work is trying desperately to get me to stay and theyre doing everything but paying me what i need to live here #in the mean time after the 1st i have no one to cover me if i get sick. or need to take time off #im kinda like...........i want to take time off now because after i wont be able to #im looking so hard for a job that at least pays $20/hour and im not desperate yet but im stressed #ive been putting it off because i thought my parents wouldnt get the house but they did and i REALLY dont want to live in arizona #i have express to my boss that i need to get a $4 raise now or that i have to leave and hes like hmmmmmmm well we'll see #but keeps offering me projects as if i'll be here in 4 months #and i still need a car #AAAAAAAAAHHHHH #my parents keep bugging me to come with them to see the new house next week and ive told them no less than 5 times #there is NO ONE who can cover me. they offered to pay for whatever money i lose by not going in #money is not the problem. the office will not be open if im not there #and they dont get it because i think neither of them have worked for any kind of small company ever #but im so stressed and so alone and i wish i didnt have to deal with this #or that i could see into the future and see how it all works out

[cuubism]

mind & heart, body & soul - chapter 16

(AO3)

“I hadn’t realized your relationship with the warlock had… progressed to such an extent.”

Alec looks blearily up at his father, who, in the wake of the catastrophe with Valentine, has finally deigned to show his face in this Institute. “I hardly care enough to ask what you mean by that,” he says. “But what did you expect when you pressured us to get married? Skipping platonically through a field of flowers?”

“I expected what we all expected,” Robert says. “For you to keep an eye on him. Keep the Downworld pacified.”

“That’s a real show of trust.”

“You should be careful, Alec,” Robert continues, and he actually sounds concerned for Alec’s wellbeing. Which, Alec supposes, is more than Maryse had managed, even if his concern is incredibly misdirected. “You still have a job to do here. Don’t get emotionally compromised by the situation.”

“Are you going somewhere with this?” Alec asks.

“I have intel that I should probably share,” Robert says, and looks away, uncomfortable, which piques Alec’s interest in whatever he’s about to say next. He puts aside his paperwork so he can focus. “Considering you are, in a sense, the Head of this Institute. Can I count on your discretion?”

“That depends on what you’re going to say.”

Robert considers this, leveling Alec with a serious gaze. “I’m going to trust you to not act rashly with this information and let your emotions get in the way of your logic. But if this information gets out, the Clave will know where it came from.”

“Alright.” Whatever this is about, Alec’s definitely not going to like it.

--

The last thing Magnus is expecting is for Alec to show up back at the loft a mere two hours after he’d left for the Institute. But he waves him in the door anyway, heart sinking at the deep furrow in Alec’s brow.

He tries to make light of it, ease that tension. “Alexander! Am I really so lucky that I get to steal you away from work for another day?”

Alec doesn’t even crack a smile. “We need to talk.”

Those four words never bode well. And now that Magnus is paying attention, he can feel that Alec’s side of the bond is just roiling with frustration and anger. Not directed at Magnus, he hopes. “Very well. Come and sit down.”

“Is your apartment secure?” Alec asks, like the words are pushed from his lungs. He doesn’t sit down.

“Of course. I’m not a master wardsmith for nothing. Alec, what’s wrong?”

“This didn’t come from me,” Alec continues, and now Magnus is getting anxious, too.

He lays a hand on Alec’s arm, and that seems to settle a little of his nerves. “My lips are sealed. What is it?”

Finally Alec meets his gaze. “The Clave doesn’t have the Soul Sword.”

For a second, Magnus doesn’t know how to respond to this. It’s not entirely surprising, even if it is infuriating. All he can say, dumbly, is, “Well, where is it, then?”

“They don’t know. Someone working with Valentine must have grabbed it when they attacked the Institute. Maybe Valentine has it now that he’s escaped?” Some of Alec’s tension seems to have deflated now that he’s admitted this and Magnus didn’t… what, walk out of the room? Start hating him? “The Clave didn’t want the Downworld to know. Even though it affects you guys the most.”

It did, and Magnus isn’t sure he’ll be able to contain his rage the next time he runs into Maryse or anyone else. Alec must sense it, because he lays his hand on Magnus’s shoulder.

“They deserve to know,” he says, quieter now, “but it can’t come from me. Or you. As it is, the moment it gets out, they’ll think I leaked it. We can’t leave them any trail of evidence to prove it. Otherwise, they’ll throw me out of my position—to whatever extent I even have a position—and Angel knows who’ll they’ll install in my place.”

“I agree,” Magnus says. He doesn’t want to see Alec executed for treason, and he doesn’t want the Downworld to lose one of its few allies in the Institute. And, more selfishly, he doesn’t want to lose his husband. “I’ll find someone and create a plausible story. You shouldn’t be involved in this anymore. The less you know, the safer you’ll be.”

“As much as I hate being out of the loop, I know you’re right.” Alec’s hand is still on his shoulder, and he rubs his thumb along Magnus’s collarbone. “Are you okay?”

“I’m… furious,” Magnus admits. “Every time I think the Clave can’t stoop any lower, they still manage to surprise me.”

“You deserve better,” Alec says. Now that his anxiety about his secret has faded somewhat, Magnus can feel a spark of fear through the bond. “Whatever you do, please be careful. I don’t like the idea of that thing being out there. I almost lost you to it once.”

“I’m always careful,” Magnus says, and Alec shakes his head as if he knows that’s far from the truth. “And besides, I am extremely powerful and indestructible.” He swirls a plume of magic around Alec, and Alec smiles. He takes Magnus’s face between his hands and kisses him, just a gentle press of lips.

“Much as I’d like to keep you here for activities of a less work-related variety,” Magnus says as they separate, “I believe I have some messages that are definitely not about the Soul Sword to convey…”

Alec chuckles. “I’ll leave you to it. I should probably get back before they start to think I’m ‘selling secrets to the enemy.’”

“Well, they wouldn’t be entirely wrong,” Magnus says. “But I find it hard to consider it treasonous when your enemy is so handsome and irresistible.”

Alec kisses him again on the cheek. “Then I better get going before I get pulled into any more lustful and treasonous acts.”

Magnus opens a portal for him, and Alec turns to go, but before he can, Magnus calls out. There’s one more thing he has to say. “Alec?”

Alec turns to look at him.

“Thank you,” Magnus say, because not everyone would have done what he did, even if it was the right thing to do. “And be careful.”

Alec gives him a small smile, and then he’s gone, and Magnus just stands there for a moment, trying to wrap his heart around the unfamiliar feeling in his chest. He’s… happy, he realizes. It’s so strange to be able to find a brief moment of happiness in the midst of all this darkness and chaos.

But he doesn’t mind the feeling.

--

As Alec’s stepping through the doors of the Institute, his phone pings with a text.

Magnus: wow, I was beaming so hard from those kisses that for a second I forgot we were trying to avert a genocide

By the way, this text will self-destruct in 3… 2… 1…

And then, to Alec’s amusement and astonishment, the text actually disappears from his phone. He doesn’t know how Magnus does that.

You are completely insane, he texts back.

Magnus is insane, and insanely ridiculous.

But he’s also everything Alec wants.

--

Magnus waits several days before allowing the Soul Sword information to be released to the entire Shadow World. Alec sees how it kills him inside to keep it a secret, but they can’t allow anyone to make a connection between Alec receiving the intel and it being leaked. There need to be buffers—in time, in days, in people. No evidence trails.

Finally, five days after Alec first told him, Magnus sets in motion the careful series of events that will let the information out as discreetly as possible.

And then the Downworld erupts.

--

Alec returns to the Institute the next day with trepidation. Despite their safeguards, it’s inevitable that suspicion will fall on him. It will be difficult to keep up the act of ignorance.

He hopes this will at least be a wakeup call to the Clave that they need to take Valentine more seriously. And that they need to take the Downworld more seriously. There will be war if they don’t.

As expected, both Maryse and Robert are waiting for him in his office, arms crossed, matching dark looks on both of their faces.

“Rough morning?” Alec asks as he sits down at his desk.

“We know it was you, Alec,” Maryse says. “And I’m not even going to bother expressing my disappointment because I’ve said it already and clearly it had no effect.”

“You know what was me?” Alec asks, as if he doesn’t know.

“Don’t play dumb. You told Bane about the Sword,” says Robert. He doesn’t even look that disappointed anymore, and Alec wonders idly if telling him was meant to be a test.

“No, a vampire over in Long Island City overheard a patrol talking about it. We’re thinking the patrol picked it up from a visiting councilmember who let it slip. Didn’t you get the intel?”

Alec hadn’t been privy to any of Magnus’s planning, which was probably for the best, but it seemed that his husband had ultimately decided to throw some Shadowhunters under the bus in order to accomplish this. But said Shadowhunters were all but open supporters of Valentine, so Alec isn’t feeling too bad about it.

Maryse doesn’t seem impressed by this. “This is treason against the Clave, Alec. The Council will hear about it.”

Alec refuses to let himself be intimidated. Not anymore. And if they pull him before the Council, so be it. “If you can prove that, then by all means.”

They won’t be able to prove it. Magnus is extremely subtle when he needs to be, and extremely thorough. There’s no paper trail, and no witnesses.

“But before you do, you should consider the fallout,” he adds, leaning back in his chair. “Your oldest son convicted of treason? That doesn’t look very good. And after you worked so hard to improve your reputations too… Not to mention how the alliance we have with the Downworld will evaporate into thin air if one half of the partnership is executed. Not that it’s not already on its way there.”

This amount of theatrics isn’t usually Alec’s style. Magnus must be rubbing off on him.

It has the intended effect, though. Maryse and Robert look genuinely thrown.

“You might want to focus on more important things. Like making peace with the Downworld before they burn down the Institute. Getting Valentine and the Sword back will go a long way towards that.”

“Unbelievable,” Maryse huffs, and storms out.

Robert lingers for another moment, giving Alec a careful look. “You may want to think harder about giving so much trust to someone you barely know,” he finally says.

Alec gives him a bland smile. “Trust is important in a marriage, isn’t it?”

Robert flinches. But he seems to finally realize he’s not going to get anywhere with Alec today, and retreats from the room.

As soon as he’s gone, all of Alec’s flattened emotions come crashing back down on top of him. By the Angel, that was stressful. And he can’t believe it actually worked.

It still hurts, having to go against his parents like that. It still fills him rage that he should have to.

But what’s done is done. His parents made their own decisions. All Alec can do is try to be better than they were.

A distant question comes through the bond, and Alec realizes suddenly that his emotions are spilling all over the place and Magnus must have felt them. He tries to push some reassurance back so Magnus doesn’t think something went terribly wrong. And a moment later, his phone pings with a text that only has one character: a heart.

Despite it all, Alec’s own heart warms. Through all of this, at the very least, he has Magnus. That, alone, is worth fighting for.

--

He expects the Clave to make some kind of overture to the Downworld, at the very least to pacify them, if not to actively apologize. But the days tick by, and they don’t. They don’t say anything, they don’t meet with anyone. They’re still hunting for the Sword, of course, and for Valentine. But not to protect the Downworld, merely to save their own asses. Alec calls everyone he can think of—everyone who might have a chance of listening to him—to impress upon them the importance of taking action before things boil over into outright war. But no one acts. Alec tries to leverage his ‘position’ as a liaison to the Downworld to strengthen his argument, but it has no effect.

They don’t take the Downworld seriously. They don’t care about their feelings or opinions. And as long as they don’t, no action will be taken.

Alec makes overtures to the local Downworld leaders himself, because he can’t do nothing, meets with them all at a neutral location. They seem to appreciate it, but they all tell him the same thing: it’s not enough. This affects all Downworlders worldwide, so the Clave itself needs to take action. The New York Institute cannot stand alone.

Alec still goes home to Magnus every night, but his husband is agitated. Fearful. Angry. Every negative emotion Alec can think of. And Alec is, too.

He tries to just hold him as much as possible, even though it’s still a little unfamiliar to do so, in the hopes that it will help. The worst is when he feels Magnus sink into a boneless sort of tiredness, like all his hope has been sucked out of him. It never lasts long, as Magnus is relentless about bouncing back up and planning or fighting or simply raging. But it’s difficult to witness all the same.

They wait, feeling paralyzed. The Clave doesn’t act. Finally, the Downworld leaders reconvene one final time, deciding that if the Clave won’t act, then they will.

--

When Magnus returns from that meeting, he lingers in the doorway for a moment. He thinks he might be shaking a bit. Adrenaline crash. He feels like all the blood’s drained out of him. Finally, he manages to push himself upright, and heads for the living room.

Heads for his terrible fate.

“Magnus.” Alec stands as soon as he sees him. He hadn’t been privy to this particular meeting. Which means now Magnus has to convey the decision to him directly. “What is it? How did the meeting go?”

Magnus mechanically makes his way over to his drinks cart and starts pouring himself something, barely looking at what it is. “The Downworld leaders,” he finally starts, haltingly, “sans moi, were unanimous in the step they want to take. They believe—and this part I do agree with, I suppose—that the Clave lying about the Sword is evidence that the Clave isn’t upholding their end of our agreement. That they never had any intention of upholding it. Their inaction in the wake of that event is only driving that home.”

Magnus turns so he can half-watch Alec out of the corner of his eye. He can’t make himself meet his gaze entirely. He watches the apprehension grow on Alec’s face.

“And?” Alec finally says.

Magnus lets out a shuddering breath. “They want to annul the marriage.”

Time ticks out eternally between them as Alec internalizes this statement. Magnus wishes him luck with it. He still hasn’t internalized it.

“What?” Alec eventually ekes out. “Even— Maia and Raphael said that? I thought they were your friends.”

Magnus takes a gulp of his drink. “They were… ambivalent about it, but they eventually agreed. But it wasn’t just up to them. This was a broader consortium of leaders from across the region. Although, to be honest, I think Maia and Raphael would have agreed with the decision easily if it were anyone other than me involved. They agree that this alliance is hollow, they just don’t want to hurt me.”

“It probably is hollow, at least on the Clave’s end,” Alec says, and he sounds so upset that Magnus has to take another long sip of his drink. He’s going to burn through all of his whiskey in the next hour at this rate. “But that doesn’t mean we should just— what, give up? Break the Accords?”

If the Accords are really what Alec cares most about in this moment, Magnus will go sober.

“We are all very tired of continually putting in effort with the Clave and getting nothing in return,” he says. Magnus hates the idea of losing Alec, but he can’t say he entirely disagrees with the Downworld’s decision. There can be no more concessions. Not when so many lives are on the line.

“Magnus, this is our marriage we’re talking about, it’s not some tool they can just use however they want!”

“It is a tool!” Magnus snaps, and his heart pangs when Alec flinches. “It’s always been a tool, and we’ve always known that. Just because we never anticipated it being used in this way—” he presses a hand to his mouth. “Oh, I feel ill.”

Alec takes his arm and eases the now-empty glass from his grip. “Come on, sit down.”

Magnus lets Alec lead him over to the couch, and sits down heavily, resting his head on his knees. One should really not mix panic and whiskey on an empty stomach. Alec rubs the back of his neck. Magnus doesn’t deserve his comfort. If he’d just— just kept more distance the whole time, then this wouldn’t hurt so much. It would just be business, like it was always supposed to be.

“We don’t have to do it this way,” Alec says, quieter now. “I can— I can break with the Clave.”

Does Magnus really mean that much to him?

Magnus shakes his head. “They would hunt you down for treason. Derune you, or— or just kill you. I don’t want you to lose everything because of this.” Because of me.

“Well, there has to be some kind of middle ground,” Alec says, and Magnus can hear the threads of desperation woven through his voice. Woven through the bond.

“There isn’t one.”

“There has to be.”

“There isn’t,” Magnus insists. He pushes himself back up, but doesn’t meet Alec’s eyes, leaning his hands on his knees. “You think I didn’t try to change their minds? They were set on it. I tried everything I knew. But I couldn’t think of another solution. I don’t know any other way to make the Clave see reason, other than outright war. And because I couldn’t offer a viable alternative, I couldn’t sway them.”

“We can’t just give up,” Alec says.

Magnus thinks maybe he already has given up. He can feel that hopelessness making a home in his chest. Alec deserves better than that. But Magnus doesn’t know how to give him better.

“If I go along with what they want,” Magnus says quietly, “it could mean war with the Clave. If I oppose them, it could still mean war with the Clave, and I could lose the Downworld. Maybe forever. I can’t lose the Downworld, Alec. Not for anything.”

That, at last, finally seems to make Alec deflate. “Are you sure that’s what you want to do?”

“Nothing about this is about what I want,” Magnus says, the words bitter on his lips. “Are you going to oppose me?”

“I’m not going to force you to be married to me, no.”

Magnus scrubs his hands through his hair. He hates this. He hates this so much. “I want to be with you,” he says. “I do want you to know that. Maybe in a different life…”

Unfortunately, they have to live in this life.

Alec wraps his arms around him and pulls him close. Magnus leans into his touch, even though he doesn’t feel like he deserves this grace.

“What will happen to the bond?” Alec murmurs into Magnus’s hair. His voice is numb now.

“I don’t know.” Magnus’s tone is flat, he can’t summon enough emotion for any inflection. Feeling it will probably break him. “It will be broken, I suppose.”

Alec makes a strangled sound, which Magnus can only echo internally. The bond is just ricocheting back and forth between them with anger and anguish and despair. Magnus feels breathless with it.

Alec releases Magnus after that. Magnus misses his touch.

“Why is it an annulment, anyway?” Alec asks, staring straight ahead. “Why not a divorce? Because we didn’t have sex?”

“Sex has nothing to do with it,” Magnus says. “A divorce would symbolize that we had an agreement that fell apart. An annulment signifies that there was never a true agreement in the first place. That’s how the Downworld feels about it.”

“The Downworld never liked this—” Alec starts, but Magnus cuts him off.

“They were suspicious. And rightly so, as you can see the Clave’s done little to uphold their end of the bargain. If you want to blame someone, blame the Clave for not dealing with Valentine. Blame the Clave for risking everyone’s lives by lying about the Sword.” Don’t blame me, he thinks but doesn’t say. He couldn’t stand it if Alec hated him.

“I do,” Alec says, “but at least let me try. Let me try to convince the Clave to make a genuine show of faith to the Downworld.”

“You’ve already tried—”

“Let me try again. I’ll figure it out. Just let me try.”

Magnus looks at him warily. But underneath his caution, there’s a glimmer of hope. If there is a chance, he has to take it, doesn’t he? “I can stall them for a few days. But, Alec, if this doesn’t work…”

“It has to,” Alec says. His desperation is so strong through the bond that Magnus feels like he’s going to be sick from it. “It has to.”

They just stare at each other for a long moment, the air heavy and hopeless between them. Magnus doesn’t know how it’s come to this. How a marriage that neither of them wanted in the first place could have come to mean so much, and then suddenly, when they’d barely had it, meant nothing.

“Alright,” Alec says, and stands up. “It sounds like I have work to do.”

Magnus doesn’t want him to go. He feels like if Alec goes now, he won’t come back. But still he says, “Okay.”

Alec gets up. He heads for the door. Magnus stumbles to his feet to watch him go. He feels unsteady. He feels the bond stretching thin between them.

Before he gets to the door, Alec stops, seemingly deliberating. Magnus’s heart thuds in his chest. Then Alec turns around and strides back toward him, and Magnus stays still, powerless to move away even as he senses an impending fatal collision. And Alec grabs him by the lapels of his jacket and kisses him.

It’s with such force that Magnus stumbles backward. But he finds his balance again, leaning into the kiss, hands falling to Alec’s hips to pull him closer, his eyes falling shut. Alec kisses him with the pain of a wounded man hemorrhaging blood, sharp teeth and desperation, and Magnus knows exactly how he feels. He tastes the salt of tears on his lips, and he doesn’t know if they’re Alec’s, or his own, or both.

Alec runs a hand along his cheek, wiping them away. He whispers against Magnus’s lips. “I’m sorry.”

When Magnus opens his eyes again, he’s gone.

#THE ANGST CHAPTER #mhbs #my writing #malec #malec fic

[creatingnikki]

What 2020 has taught me

1. Those things that seem like content for sci fi or pure fiction are actually things that can happen. To the entire world. Like a pandemic. And to you. Like a seizure.

2. Everyone is sad. Everyone is struggling. In different ways and in different measures. Makes no one special. But you still get to feel sad for yourself and be compassionate towards others. But it's also okay to draw boundaries because you're everyone too. Remember, not special? You're sad and trying to deal with it too.

3. Every job you have will not add value to your life. It will not teach you new things or give you people you'll want to stay in touch with. Sometimes some jobs will only be a season of your life. Even if the season lasts for over a year. It's okay.

4. You know how you thought picking a college and picking a major and picking your first job and picking a specific industry were all the career decisions you had to make? Yeah, no. It's never a one time thing. You could have a job as a marketing strategist for two years and then want nothing to do with it. And then you'll have to make another decision and work towards it. So I'd like to call it moves. It's like chess. You always have to make a move. And it always has to be strategic, yes. But the truth is in your 20s it probably won't. Even if you try. And as long as you're trying, you'll be fine.

5. You may have different sorts of friends like the one you only talk to about kdrama with or the one you met when you went book shopping alone and the friendship is all about books really. That's normal. But irrespective of why and how you became friends with them, if you consider them a friend then there has to be this basic sense of care, respect and empathy for each other. I don't care what people want to say. If you're faced with the worst trauma of your life, the least your friends can do is check up on you regularly. On text. And if they don't even do that then guess what? They aren't friends. They are acquaintances. Social media and quick promises make everyone seem like your friend. But they are not. They are just nice people who will be nice to you for specific periods and then wander away like you are a speck of dust floating in their journey.

6. You speak a lot and write and you express yourself and you’re emotionally mature but oh my god. You still hold in so much. You’ve known that at a subconscious level and over the last year people - experts - have told you that. You have also realized that you make your pain and sadness about pettier things because dealing with them, admitting about them, sharing that with your friends, is easier. You do that so that you don’t have to deal with the real stuff. Because it’s so damn painful. And you don’t know how to do it. Yet. Acknowledging is the first step anyway right? I know you’re confused about how exactly to let go of all this pain and sadness and feel lighter, and you know that talking to people really isn’t the solution, but I also know you’re smart enough to figure it out. 

7. Talking about being smart...you know you’re different than others. Better. Special. Smarter. None of these are the right words. And you never voiced this out until this year because you knew it would make you come across as narcissistic. Some would say it’s because you’re an INFJ. But my mother once said that this may be the first time we are consciously living life but our souls are old and so our instinct and the things we know but can’t explain are because this isn’t the first time for our souls. The connections we feel with certain people, the reason we are so different from our siblings who grew up in the exact same environment with the exact same opportunities, our sense of right and wrong...it’s all because our souls learn and grow with each time and that’s why we are who we are. I think that’s probably how I can explain what I have always felt. That I am living in a different universe than everybody but I have to pretend to be in this one and dumb my emotions and thoughts down. Maybe that’s because my soul has lived through thousands of years while most around me are living their 100th life. Or maybe I’m just narcissistic, who knows?

8. You shift between talking in first person and second person but that’s because that’s how you think in your head and talk to yourself and live your life. You ask yourself things and you accuse yourself of things and you apologize to yourself and you comfort yourself. I think that seeps into your writing and the changing of the voices. 

9. You always genuinely thought that you’d not be afraid of dying. And then what happened this October proved you shockingly wrong. I know it’s not so much being afraid of dying but the unbearable pain of knowing what that would mean to your family. So you have to be more prudent and less reckless with your life and the choices you make. 

10. Regret is not something that plagued you but this year the realisation and pain of giving away your favourite books from your own personal collection to people you care about as a show of affection and them turning out to be ass holes or losers has hit you so hard. So, yes. No more of that shit. I really fucking want my copy of The Perks Of Being A Wallflower back. UGH. With the childhood picture of me inside it! 

11. Sleeping at 5 am in the morning stops being fun or romanticised when you realise just how much harm it does to your body and mind. Literally every single disease and disorder can be traced back to a shitty fucking sleep schedule. It’s not just the hours you sleep but also the quality of sleep and the time you sleep at. So yes sleeping for 8 hours is healthy but not if that 8 hours is from 5 am to 12 pm. ‘Not a morning person’ is just another construct of capitalism and you don’t realise how many industries profit from having you believe that and staying up late or all night. Entertainment. Food. Alcohol. Pharma. Biologically and naturally you are a bloody morning person. And you don’t need 3 cups of coffee to begin your day or your phone notifications to get you to open your eyes and brain to wake up. 

12. Sometimes you really have to stop taking people so seriously. I know the idea of treating people as casual friends or entertainment makes you want to fight that concept but you know what? Some people like Pineapple are ever only going to be good for that. No matter how much they ‘grow and change’. So keep them in the background for whenever you want some entertainment or drama. But please don’t clear up your busy schedule to meet them or send them gifts on their birthday. 

13. If you don’t have the fruit juice or green juice within half an hour of making it then you are losing out on its most optimum health benefits. Or when you remove the white stringy stuff from oranges. That’s where all the actual nutrients are.

14. I am privileged and so are most of the people I interact with. The global pandemic has been hell for a lot of people around the world. Health wise. Financially. Losing people they care about. But I was blessed enough to be safe at home and have a job that I could smoothly do from home and not have a pay cut or 4-hour long Zoom meetings. So honestly when my friends tell me 2020 has been bad I have to stop and ask them why? Yes, the crippling uncertainty and anxiety is not something that can be undermined. But most people I know had very great positive life-changing milestones this year like moving away to another country for college or taking their first solo trip or getting married. So I have to ask them. Because I am not going to agree that everybody’s 2020 and pandemic narrative is the same. 

15. Money gets spent really quickly. When I left my job earlier this year because of personal issues, I thought I had enough savings to last me a year. Full disclosure - I mean to last my personal expenses because I live with my parents. But it didn’t even last me 3 months. And so to use money wisely and buy things that provide utility than instant gratification is something to follow. Also buying one pair of really expensive but quality shoes is better than buying 5 pairs of affordable but low quality shoes that will have a very short life and force you to buy more. I know that higher price doesn’t always mean better quality but sometimes it does. And as an adult now I want to do the whole quality > quantity thing even with things and not just people. 

16. Everyone in their 20s went through a crisis of what they should do with their lives and their careers and it’s not unique to the 21st century and the challenges of today. Whether it was Vincent Van Gogh in the 19th century or Sylvia Plath in the 20th, every single person, as brilliant as them went through the torture of making these decisions and living with their consequences. You may think I picked wrong examples for they both killed themselves but you know what? They were the people who really want to live more than anyone. They knew what life meant. And maybe if mental health help was more accessible back then their lives would be longer and more peaceful. 

17. Telling people everything is overrated. You don’t have to talk about every single thing that’s on your mind or that’s going on in your life. The good and the bad and the mediocre. You have to be mindful about how much of yourself you’re giving away. 

18. Re-watch Suits when people at work feel intimidating because the confidence + negotiation tactics that they show can actually work irl cos at the end of the day no matter in what position you’re dealing with people who have emotions and fears and insecurities and desires. You understand how to leverage that nobody can get the better of you. 

19. You belong to yourself. No matter how much you love someone or how much they have done for you or how much you owe them - you belong to yourself. You can’t live your life for someone else. Everyone belongs to themselves first. No relationship, no promise, no circumstance should make you feel like you have to give up your life and make it all about them. If and when the time comes to die for them, go ahead. Take a bullet. Donate that kidney. Write them in your will. But live your life for yourself. And let them live theirs. 

20. Twenty three was a challenging year. When it started you claimed the age 23 sounds boring and insignificant. Guess it proved you wrong. It hurt so much now. But that only means you’ll look back on it later and see how it added so much wisdom and resilience to your being. It doesn’t mean that it makes all the bad things that happened to you okay. Or that you should be grateful to them. Fuck no. It means that you should be kinder to yourself because at the end of the day, your mind and body find it in themselves to deal with whatever is thrown their way. They have your back. It’s time you learn to sit straight. 

#what i learned in 2020 #poeticstories #writerscreed #poetryportal #inkstay #writtenconsiderations #flowerais #wnq writers #shareaquote #note to self #things to learn #things to remember #writers on tumblr #poets on tumblr #words to live by #books and libraries #self realisation #self reflection #year end reflection #year end review #end of the year #new year new me #New Year Resolutions #Career choices #vincent van gogh #sylvia plath #2020 #creatingnikki

[emo-and-confused]

Headcannons based on @cb28 ‘s “ceo of many hotels tommy and hotel receptionist tubbo” au art (includes dysfunctional sleepy bois) (awesamdad)

-techno, wilbur, and tommy are phil’s kids

-(the three kids are adopted, techno was adopted when he was five, wilbur was adopted when he was four, and tommy was adopted when he was seven)

-techno is older than wilbur by two years and wilbur is older than tommy by eight years

-phil is this rich businessman. techno is some powerful leader. wilbur is a famous songwriter.

-then tommy owns a hotel

-he's still like 16/17 but he owns and manages it

-techno is the oldest therefore favorite and heir to whatever money and property phil owns

-tommy is least favorite. phil ignored him.

-then one day phil just gave him money and said "stop being a disappointment" so he started his hotel at 15

tommy: i’m going to build a hotel in rage

-then best friend tubbo who works there and is nice to tommy

phil: oh, theseus, my son. come, i was just telling my companions about your ho- who is that?

tommy: this is tubbo.

tubbo: hello :)

-wilbur being the normal brother and treating him like a normal person and taking him and tubbo to hang out and be kids

wilbur: tommy, let’s go get ice cream

tommy: wilbur, ive got things to do, paper work and, and shippments and-

wilbur: tommy.

tommy:

wilbur: let’s go. bring tubbo.

-tommy feels like he has to prove something to phil

-he also feels like he might be able to earn attention from him. that if he works hard enough phil will be proud of him

-wilbur’s music is what makes phil pay attention to him, but when he was a kid phil said his music was never going to be a stable source of income and actively encouraged other future job choices. this only made wilbur more focused on his music

-both tommy and wilbur feel the need to prove themselves

-tommy meets sam when starting up his hotel, and immediately gets attached

-sam is basically his guide, even after building the hotel. sam saw the child and went “yeah he needs parental guidance” and continued to stay in contact with tommy

-tommy is the one who gives sam the creeper mask. because sam is always working on construction and stuff and he's always inhaling debris and tommy likes minecraft so he gives it to him. sam adores it and wears it all the time.

-tommy totally calls him sam nook

sam: hey tommy! just building your hotel. i do need some more things for construction though... could you ship them over to me?

tommy: y'know this reminds me of a game my brother made me play over the holidays...

sam: ... uh,,,, what?

tommy: animal crossing! that's it. you're totally tom nook.

sam: alright, tommy.

-[over emails]

]Mr. Danger Careful Innit,

Could you supply more building materials?

Sincerely, Sam Nook

]Mr. Samuel Nook,

sure.

Sincerely, Tommy

-sam gets a very official hand written contract (the same one as the lore)

-he gets it and just goes with it (there’s a more real contract but tommy values his handwritten one more)

-sam signing it and tommy cheering and immediately going to text phil

sam: and... there you go! signed. :)

tommy: really??? ... YES!!! LETS GO!!! (calls phil and tells him)

-then tommy hanging up and smiling, then looking back over to sam.

tommmy: (clears his throat) um. my apologies. that was very unprofessional. thank you very much, sam.

-tubbo is the receptionist for the main hotel in the chain, (the one tommy is constantly at) but he basically becomes sort of a manager

-tommy sends him off to do multiple jobs throughout the day, and tubbo does them with only little complaint

tubbo: you know i’m not room service right?

tommy: i don’t remember asking

tubbo, already holding the room order: this isn’t my job tho-

tommy: and yet here you are, doing the job

-tommy pays him more than everyone else though, but tubbo doesn’t know that because tommy won’t let him see the usual staff paycheck

-tubbo is half a year older but his parents are constantly away on buisness trips so he is often home alone and has to take care of himself

-tommy is not good with showing his affection, the only one in his family to do so was wilbur. phil just kind of threw money at him on holidays and ignored him the rest of the time, and while techno was a lot more attentive to him, he wasn’t the best at affection either

-when tommy started making money with the hotel, (how very successful hotel chain), to show tubbo he cared he just started offering to buy him things

tommy, upon finding out tubbo likes bees: you know i could buy you a bee sanctuary if you’d like?

tubbo: tommy no-

-tubbo teaches him that money isn’t the only form of showing you care. it’s a long process

tommy: so you’re saying i shouldn’t buy sam a private engineering lab for his birthday?

tubbo: i know for a fact sam wouldn’t know how to accept such a gift and that he’d rather you close the hotel for a day and take him to play laser tag

tommy: ...okay but what if i do that and buy him a private engineering lab?

tubbo:

-the dream team are bell hoppers.

-tommy gets hate for being that young and successful

-the dream team are like “stfu i'm proud to be working for a very successful 16 yo how dare you" and go off on every rich person who says something about tommy’s age

they're still streamers. they just don't tell tommy. (tommy totally knows tho, he’s a 16 year old kid who plays minecraft and animal crossing, ofc he knows they’re video game streamers)

dream: hey tommy-

tommy: yes? is there a reason you're barging into my office?

dream: .. is that... animal crossing music? are you playing on a switch?

tommy: no!! i'm signing very important and legal documents!!! if you have nothing to say, get out!!

dream, to sapnap and george: he’s totally playing animal crossing.

-tommy makes them greet people at the doors and carry peoples bags purely because they’re famous. they don’t know this though

-they don't think tommy knows. tommy and tubbo think it’s hilarious. tommy hints it all the time that he knows but they just think he's being a kid

-quackity is on sam’s building/contracting team

-even after the hotel is built, q comes in to "check up" on the building with sam. and they "make sure nothing is going wrong with the building"

-they really just want to make sure tommy is okay under so much pressure

-wilbur totally has tubbo’s schedule and knows when tubbo’s on break, he can usually be found with tommy in tommy’s office

-wilbur will just barge in and be like “okay let’s go, you need a break”

-one time wilbur came in while sam and quackity were there

wilbur, barging in: kay, tommy, tubbo, let’s-

sam, mid lecture with tommy: you can’t keep doing this!

quackity, also scolding: you need to take a break, man.

tubbo, who noticed wilbur come in: wil! tell tommy he needs to go to bed and sleep! he hasn’t slept in twenty seven hours!

tommy, from his desk, with his head in his hands and leaning over paper work: i’m being ganged up on.

-wilbur instantly likes sam and quackity, because they care for his little brother (he totally has a rivalry with them though, he was there first, and tommy’s actual brother)

-the main hotel in the chain is sometimes used as an international meeting place for big companies and politicians

-more than once has phil or techno needed to stay for a few nights due to major meetings with powerful people

-it’s kind of awkward sometimes because tommy’s the hotel chain owner and since he’s based at the main hotel, he sometimes needs to greet the people going in for meetings

tommy: good afternoon, madam secretary

tommy: good afternoon, mister minister

tommy: good afternoon... *awkward cough* ...technoblade.

-or since he’s the ceo of a big name company, he sometimes has to attend big rich people galas that he hates

tommy: tubbo i literally hate these types of places, when can i leave, when am i allowed to to leave

tubbo, who is tommy’s plus one and moral support: dude i don’t know, i didn’t grow up rich

tommy, who grew up talking care of himself when wilbur wasn’t there: yeah well technically neither did i!

-and his father is a business man..

tommy, faking confidence and striding across the room: tubbo, i have no idea what i’m doing-

phil, from a table a few feet away, calling him over: theseus!

tommy, slowly turning around to see phil with a bunch of other rich people: fuckkkk-

-tommy makes sure everyone calls him tommy and not theseus

[in an interview]

interviewer: so theseus-

tommy: it's tommy.

interviewer: ... alright, tommy. would you like to address the rumors going around of your boyfriend?

tommy: huh??? oh, you mean tubbo? no, we're just best friends. and that's weird. i'm a minor.

interviewer: are you gay, though? we've never seen you date any women.

tommy: no, i do date women! all the time!!

-tommy being legally named "theseus watson" but calling himself "tommy innit"

-wilbur is legally “wilbur watson” but only ever goes by his stage name “wilbur soot”

-they both totally end up changing their names. legally.

-tommy saying i hate men because he just hates his father

-tommy getting scandals and controversies all the time but just by the upper class

-everyone else loves and adores him and knows he's literally just a 16 yo kid so that kind of stuff is a joke and he can say that without getting in trouble

-tommy will be in his office and tubbo will be at the front desk and sometimes tommy will just yell “TUBBOOOOO HELP MEEEEE” if his laptop crashes because Tubbo Tech

tommy: [during a meeting] oh, tubbo's clocked in for work.... TUBBOOO!

tommy: he's gonna come in here. surely. he'll go "hellœ?" surely. he'll walk in here...

tubbo: [walks in the room] hellœ?

-phil still has no idea who tubbo is

wilbur: yeah, i’m going to go check on tommy and tubbo

phil: ..the receptionist?

wilbur: ...

wilbur, internally: also your sons best friend but yeah sure, the receptionist.

-techno is lowkey fond of tubbo

-techno notices how tommy is clinging to tubbo at parties and galas all the time so he tries to get tommy to talk about him

-he likes that tubbo is there for tommy and totally resonates with the chaotic energy the two create

-sometimes when tommy can’t get tubbo in to the parties/galas, and techno is there, tommy will hang around him and steal his things

-like taking his wallet so techno will have to go back to the hotel afterwards and visit tommy

-he does it for attention. 

-tommy lives at the hotel. it’s not technically legal cause he wasn’t emancipated from his family and he’s only 16 but they’re rich so people don’t really say anything

-technically he still has a room at phil’s place, but he stays in a room at the hotel. when designing the place, he made sure to map out an area for his living space

-tubbo takes naps in his room

tubbo: i'm gonna go take a nap in the break room

quackity: there is no break room??

tubbo: yea there is. on the top floor. with the giant door.

quackity:... isn't that tommy's room???

-tubbo sometimes stays the night with tommy, when his parents have been on a business trip for over two weeks. he still goes to in-person school so he usually only stays on weekends during the school year

-tommy does online school, and forces himself to get his schoolwork for the week done over the weekend so he can focus on the hotel and other responsibilities

-he fakes having the “lmao i'm better and have more money also you don't play minecraft" mentality towards other kids and claims that’s why he does online

-it’s actually because he doesn’t have time to balance everything and he was bullied in the past so he switched to online school as soon as he started his hotel

-sometimes tubbo helps him with his classes tommy is overworked. like, in his off time. he has the passwords to tommy's computer so he just goes on it and does some of his school work

-tommy ranting to tubbo about how he hates his dad and how he said phil was gonna visit him the next day

-phil arriving and asking tubbo (because he's the receptionist) where tommy is. tubbo saying he doesn't know and that he left. even though tommy is literally in his room

-phil tries. he just doesn’t know how to parent. techno was 17 and wilbur was 15 when he adopted tommy, and he just got busy enough and forgot how to take care of a child

-tommy knows if he talks to phil, it’ll be awkward and phil will just try and buy him off (not intentionally, it’s just how business men be working, yknow)

-tommy just wants to prove himself, to both himself and phil. and hes using his hotel to do that

———————

fanart that was posted with @cb28 ‘s work

(i got permission to post this)

#tommyinnit #tommyinnit headcanon #tommyinnit headcannon #clingy duo #mcyt au #hotel au #sleepy bois #dysfunctional sleepy bois #mcytblr

[lemonzestywrites]

sunlight, sunlight, sunlight

paring: buck x eddie

word count: 2,268

tw: panic attacks, implied claustrophobia 

[ao3 link]

_____

Buck has never been a fan of the dark. Especially as a child, the thought alone had brought along too many nightmares and memories of running to Maddie’s room to make her double-check for monsters under his bed. It doesn’t bother him as much anymore, but still, every now and again, on nights where his anxiety is all too present for his liking, the same twinge of uneasiness will find itself scratching away at his brain.

He hasn’t felt it in a while, but that itch has been sitting at the base of his subconscious since he’s clocked in for his shift, and now Buck can’t help but be on edge. He tries his best to ignore it and go on with his day, but the next 12 hours tick by with a foreboding weariness he can’t quite place.

The hospital only makes it worse. The plain white walls, the PA system going off every other minute, the frigid cold that sticks to his skin, he hates all of it. There’s a small voice in the back of his head that wonders if it’s just the result of having been admitted so many times. It doesn’t feel like all too sure of reasoning, but he’d rather not linger on the thought too long. So instead, Buck settles for it and chalks it up to nerves, making a mental note to bring it up during his next session with Dr. Copeland. Until then, he should be fine.

Emphasis on should.

Because apparently, the universe gets a real kick out of watching Buck suffer since it wasn’t enough that the hospital’s power went out- no, the entire fucking city got hit with a widespread blackout. And if that wasn’t worrying enough, Eddie hasn’t been answering his radio, and Buck’s phone isn’t working either. He does his best to stay calm, really he does, but with every passing minute of radio silence, the sick coil of nerves knotted in his stomach only gets tighter and tighter.

After 10 minutes of no response, Bobby had given Buck the go-ahead to go look for Eddie, and that’s all he needed before he’s off, weaving through the halls of the hospital heading to where he’d seen him last. If it weren’t for whatever shred of self-control in him, Buck would probably be sprinting through the building by now.

Eddie’s been back to work for only about a couple weeks now. And he’s doing great (obviously, he wouldn’t have gotten cleared to go back if he wasn’t). Buck is happy for him- happy that his best friend is back. God knows the last couple of months had been rough without Eddie, he had spent the last couple of years carving out and filling a special place in the station especially reserved for him, and then all of a sudden, it had been vacant again.

Buck is excited that he’s working again, really he is. But now the energy between them feels…different, and he knows why- they both do. It’s not like Buck had expected them to come back completely fine either. But even months after the shooting, they still have yet to talk about any of it. A part of him feels like they should, but in the months he stayed over at Eddie’s, helping out however he could during his recovery, Buck could see the toll everything had taken on him, both physically and mentally. Eddie didn’t seem ready to unpack that with him yet, and Buck wasn’t going to push him.

It’s fine. He knows Eddie has been going back to therapy. They’ll talk whenever he’s ready.

Buck does his best to give Eddie his space, let him, you know, do his job, but the past weeks feel like he’s been doing nothing but living on the edge. Every time Eddie’s out of his sight for too long, he can hear a voice screaming at him, ‘Where is he? Is he okay? Find him. Protect him. Find him. You said you’d have his back. Your fault. Your fault. Your fa-’

Then Eddie will turn the corner, and Buck’s lungs will release a breath he hadn’t known he was holding on to. He hopes it’ll take the fear, too, that with every sigh won’t just be a release of pressure but help let go of the irrational worry he has. But it never does. It eats away at him, taunting him with the idea that Eddie might get hurt again, but this time Buck won’t be there to help him.

(God, they really should talk.)

He still doesn’t bring it up. Instead, Buck sets aside his apprehension and tries not to indulge in the panicked voice in his subconscious. He’s been getting better at it.

At least he was.

All it took was 15- no, 16 minutes now- of radio silence for Buck’s heart to start pounding against his chest in rapid succession. For the nervousness to shoot through his veins, thrumming all the way down to the tips of fingers as they twitch with a numbing unease. He treads through the halls keeping his head on a swivel, alert and attentive to trying to find his best friend in the sea of patients and doctors. Eddie’s probably somewhere in the hospital helping out the staff; he is a medic after all. Yet despite any amount of reasoning Buck tries to apply, the sickening feeling in his stomach doesn’t seem to dissipate. It’s been 16 minutes, and he hasn’t had any luck. He’s even circled the floor twice just to be sure, but still, nothing.

He’s considering doing another lap when he hears it- the distant noise of someone banging on metal coming from behind the elevator doors. The sound is so faint, paired with the loud frenzy of the rest of the hospital floor, that Buck almost doesn’t hear it.

He rushes to the doors, pressing his ear flushed against it. He can hear someone yelling, but the voice is too muffled to make out what they’re saying.

“Eddie?” He calls out, no doubt getting a couple odd looks from the passing medical staff, but he pays them no mind. He bangs on the doors a couple times before yelling again louder, “Eddie! It’s Buck- can you hear me?”

There’s a beat of silence before the pounding continues again, this time with much more force in response. Buck doesn’t waste any time before he digs his fingers between the doors, using everything he has to pry them apart. The muscles in his shoulders and arms strain, but the creaking of metal offers enough motive to keep him going. Even if it’s not Eddie, it still means someone’s trapped down there.

(A selfish part of him still hopes, though.)

Once the doors are opened wide enough for him, Buck drops to his stomach to peer down into the elevator currently caught between two floors. Even with the little light he does have, he sees a curled-up shadow crouched in the corner below him, “Eddie?”

The person shifts, “Buck?”

There’s nothing more Buck wants than to revel in the relief he feels when he finally hears Eddie’s voice, but it quickly scatters when he notices the trembling panic coated in his tone.

“It’s me,” Buck reassures with as much steadiness he can force out and just hopes that Eddie doesn’t hear the way his voice shakes out the words. “Are you okay?”

Eddie sucks in a sharp breath. “I don’t know. I-I can’t breathe.”

Buck’s mind starts to spin, panicking on what to do now. The gap in between the doors isn’t that big, so it’s not like he can slip down there with Eddie or pull him out either. He has enough sensibility to grab at his radio to at least let Bobby aware of his status, “Cap, I found Eddie. He’s trapped in an elevator stuck between the 7th and 6th floors.”

A few seconds pass before he hears Bobby’s voice on the other end, “Okay, we’re working on getting the hospital’s backup generator working. Stay with him until we can get it back online, then we’ll head up to you.”

Eddie lets out a strangled noise at his words. The twinge of panic in Buck’s stomach only coils tighter when he realizes how Eddie’s breathing seems to pick up, now coming out in quick hallow shivers.

‘He’s having a panic attack.’ Buck realizes.

It takes less than a couple seconds after for Buck to murmur a hasty “copy that” into his radio before he readjusts his focus back to his friend.

He’s not unfamiliar with panic attacks, his or Eddie’s, most of which being the results of nightmares that seem to linger when dusk settles. During the last few months, Buck has lost count of the nights that either one of them has woke up in a cold sweat, gasping for air, and in the midst of alarm and fear, craving a recognizable magnetism of being held. A silent want to be assured protection and comforted.

It’s sick now. How there’s nothing more Buck desires than to provide that same security now, but the small two-foot gap between the elevator doors draws out to what feels like miles of distance.

Even though he can’t crawl down there with him, Buck finds himself reaching into the elevator shaft as far as he can, “Eddie, can you grab onto my hand for me?” Listen- he knows what he’s doing isn’t entirely safe, sticking his arm into an elevator that hasn’t been secure yet. But the sound of Eddie’s breath coming out in nothing but shaky huffs is more than enough to make him forgo any logic.

From within the enclosure of the elevator, he feels Eddie grasp his hand with an iron grip, the distress trembling at his fingers.

“Hey, I’m here, I’m right here, alright?” Buck presses the conviction through his tone, his best attempt to override his own uncertainty. “Do you think you can try and take some deep breaths?”

Buck can faintly make out the silhouette of Eddie nodding, “Y-Yeah,” he mutters. “Yeah, I can try.”

“We can do them together,” Buck offers. He takes a deep breath himself, and from below him, he hears Eddie take one too. Unconsciously, Buck starts to tighten his hold in tandem with their breathing, squeezing his hand on an inhale, loosening his grasp on the exhale. He hadn’t really realized he’s doing it until after a couple breaths, Eddie starts doing it too. And with each squeeze, his grasp slowly becomes more determined and less shaky. It doesn’t take long for them to eventually sync up for the tremor in Eddie’s hands to fade.

A couple more moments pass, and his breathing begins to steady more.

“How you doing down there, Eds?”

“Can you…”, he clears his throat, an attempt to hide how wrecked he sounds. “Can you talk to me?- About anything, it doesn’t matter.”

Buck rattles his brain for something, anything to talk about before he remembers the nature documentary he had watched several nights prior, “Did you know toucans are born blind?”

He hears Eddie laugh; it comes out breathless and nervous, but it’s a laugh nonetheless, “Really?”

“Yeah, ironically enough, they also aren’t great at flying either. They usually hop from one branch to another to get where they want to go.”

“Tell me more?” He asks, his voice quiet.

Buck smiles and keeps going, rambling about birds for a while. He doesn’t really know for how long, and at some point, he loses his awareness of what he’s saying, more focused on Eddie than anything else. Faintly, he wonders if his arm is getting tired by now.

“You know, Chris has been learning about biomes and ecosystems in school…he’d love to hear all this stuff.”

“You can tell him all about it after work.” He reassures.

Eddie’s hand twitches in his palm. “How much longer?” Buck can hear the dread creeping back into his tone.

“I…”

Not too long. He wants to promise, but the words get caught in his throat. There are a lot of things Buck can do- lying to Eddie isn’t one of them. “I-I don’t know.” He finally admits, the shame dripping down from him. “We’re gonna get you out of here.”

Eddie laughs, yet this time there’s no shred of humor in his voice, “I’m not sure if I can last any longer down here, Buck.” God, he sounds on the verge of tears.

“What can I do?” Fuck, at this point, Buck would do anything. Hell, he’d pull the damn elevator up himself if he had to. Whatever it would take to get Eddie back on safe ground.

“Just-” A pained noise escapes him, “Please don’t leave.”

Buck swears his heart fucking shatters. “Hey.” Even though he can’t see exactly where Eddie is, he does his best to look him in the eye before he squeezes his hand, “I’m not leaving your side, okay?”

The first thing Buck’s fire instructor had said during his training at the academy was never make a promise you can’t keep. Buck knows how important promises are to people, especially in states of emergencies. In the middle of chaos, those two words are all anyone needs to cling to. So that’s why, when Eddie looks at him, with what little light there is provided catching the edges of his watery eyes laced in fear and worry, Buck doesn’t hesitate to grip his hand as tight as he can. To hold on and look at Eddie with all the conviction and certainty he has and tell him,

“I promise.”

#hi there! i hope you enjoyed this fic! #zestywrites #911 #911 fox #evan buckley #eddie diaz #buddie

[ad1thi]

the memories bring back (you)

part of the 1000 lives ‘verse, aka my: Bucky and Tony are soulmates and Tony gets captured by HYDRA and they fall in love but then after TWS Bucky escapes but Tony doesn’t and now Bucky is desperately trying to find Tony and save his soulmate - verse.

this is a timestamp of Tony and Bucky’s time at HYDRA. reading the first fic in the series is recommended but not necessarily required to understand this fic. you can always read this one first and then read the first fic later on

//

13 kills (1991)

The boy appears to be attempting to escape, as he presses his feet against the wall and tugs at his chains over and over, even though it must be hurting him to do so. Briefly, the Asset wonders if it should explain to the boy that escape is not possible, that HYDRA does not allow for such things, but it has not been told to speak to the boy, so it says nothing.

“You could help, you know,” the boy spits out, and it takes a couple of seconds for the Asset to realise that the boy is addressing it. “Bet that metal arm of yours would come in real handy right about now. My father isn’t going to pay my ransom, he never does, so you might as well KILL ME!” The boy tilts his head back and shouts the last two words, talking to people who aren’t in the room.

“What does this kind of job pay anyway?” the boy asks. “Is it really worth it? Stealing teenagers from their dorm rooms? You must really be important to them if they fitted you with a prosthesis like that.” The boy eyes its metal arm, but unlike when the Scientist used to eye the arm, there is no shudder down the Asset’s spine. It doesn’t feel the urge to flinch or cower away because there’s no spite in the boy’s look - for all the vitriol he’s spitting - only curiosity.

“I would love to get my hands on that thing,” the boy says, more to himself than anyone else, before giving the Asset a slow once-over, “I’d like to get my hands on all of you, if you weren’t some sort of creepy kidnapper. Rhodey’s gonna lose his mind when he finds out I have a hard-on for my kidnapper. This is some Stockholm Syndrome type shit.”

The boy looks like he’s about to say more, but he’s interrupted by another presence in the room. The Asset looks away from the boy, and it’s back instantly stiffens when it recognises the Handler. It jumps to its feet, sticking a foot out to still the rattling metal bed-frame, and instantly assumes parade-rest.

“At ease, soldier, ” the Handler says in an amused tone, a half smile on his lips. He doesn’t, however, make any motion for the Asset to sit, or any indication that his words are any more than just that, words, so the Asset remains standing, hands clasped behind its back.

“Anthony Stark,” the Handler says, crouching down on his knees, and reaching out to grip the boy’s jaw firmly. To his credit, the boy stares defiantly back at the Handler, and the Asset thinks that if it weren’t for the hand pressing into his cheeks, the boy might actually attempt to spit on the Handler.

“Pierce,” the boy musters out, in between gritted teeth, “If you wanted to talk, you could’ve just called ahead. There was no need for all this.” The boy waves his hands around, as best he can since they’re being weighed down by chains, “I would’ve scheduled you in.”

“Now we both know that isn’t true,” the Handler says, almost fondly, “What was it you said when I sent Fury looking for you last month? That you’d keep us on hold just to watch the line blink. That’s highly unprofessional Tony, surely your father taught you better than that.”

The boy, Tony, attempts to smile. “He did. Never did put much stock into the old man’s lessons. Bit too old fashioned for my taste.”

The Handler tsks, clicking his tongue to the roof of his mouth, “I wouldn’t be so quick to dismiss him, my boy. It’s a shame, because he’s no longer around to drop those pearls of wisdom on you. I would really start cherishing those memories. What is that saying, ‘you don’t know what you have until it’s gone’?’”

The Handler drops his grip on Tony’s jaw, and pushes himself off the floor, dusting his knees. Some of the dirt falls on Tony’s face, and Tony shakes his head vigorously, closing and opening his eyes rapidly. He’s shaking, much like he was when the Asset first entered, but this time, the Asset thinks it’s from anger.

“Asset!” The Handler barks, and it stiffens. “Mission Report. December 16, 1991.”

“Mission: Extraction and Execution. Primary Target: Super-soldier serum,” the Asset intones, “Secondary Target: Howard Stark. Collateral: Maria Stark.”

Tony inhales a sharp breath, exhaling in a splutter like he’s being choked, but the Handler pays him no mind, so the Asset continues.

“Serum extracted at 0200 hours. Secondary target neutralised. Collateral neutralised. Return to base at 0500 hours. Mission successful.”

The Handler nods, once at the Asset, and another time, more firmly, at Tony.

“Like I said,” the Handler says to Tony, “you never know what you have until it’s gone.” Tony doesn’t seem to be paying the Handler any mind, instead glaring at the Asset, and doesn’t even notice when the Handler leaves the room. There’s an outwardly calm that’s overtaken Tony that it is stark contrast to the way he was shivering with anger, and yet, the Asset does not think he is actually calm, not in the slightest.

“You killed my mother, you son of a bitch,” Tony finally murmurs, “I’m gonna rip your heart out and feed it to you.”

**

15 kills (1992)

It is unusual for the Handler to oversee the defrosting process. Normally, when the Asset is brought out of cryo, it is only the Scientist that is waiting for him, flanked by two agents. Occasionally, the Doctor will make an appearance too, if it has been particularly long since the Asset has been wiped.

The Chair means that the Asset does not remember much of anything, but it has come to recognise the tug in it’s gut, that informs it that something is amiss. It should probably inform the Doctor of this malfunction, but it is a feeling that has served the Asset well on previous Missions, so it does not say anything.

It opens its eyes despite the cold, blinking away the remnants of ice that have collected on it’s eyelashes, and waits until it is ordered to sit up. It is when the Asset sits up that it notices the Handler, and the boy standing beside the Handler - arms handcuffed behind him and an old cloth shoved into his mouth.

There is something vaguely familiar about the boy, but the Asset does not know what.

When the Handler realises that he has the Asset’s attention, he raises the hand not resting on the boy’s shoulder, wiggling his fingers. The Handler is smiling, and muttering something to the boy that is causing a complicated amount of emotions on his face, and even makes the boy shuffle forward as if to approach the Asset - before the Handler pulls him back.

“Dr. Barnett, would you mind so kind as to prep the Asset for the Chair?” the Handler asks, even though his tone suggests that it isn’t a request. “I do believe our newest guest requires a demonstration on the repercussions of non-compliance.”

The Asset stiffens ever so slightly at the mention of the Chair but otherwise makes no indication that it is aware of what is happening.

It has been defrosted in the Recalibration Room, so it is simply a matter of stepping out of the cryo chamber, and walking across the room to the Chair. Without instruction, the Asset spreads out its hands and allows itself to be strapped down, relaxing its jaw and clenching down on the plastic bit that is fitted between its teeth.

The Chair rocks back ever so slightly, just as the harness comes down and attaches itself to both of the Asset’s temples, and the Asset involuntarily closes its eyes as electricity courses through its body, forcing it to arch it’s back and lift it’s head up in a silent scream.

“You see, my boy?” it dimly hears the Handler, almost inaudible over the sound of blood rushing through its ears, “Zola wanted us to Wipe you, turn you into an automaton just like Barnes. But I knew better, I knew that there were easier ways to gain your allegiance.”

The pain ebbs and flows, as the Scientist modulates the dials. The Asset is granted a small reprieve, no longer than a breath, before the electricity is ramped up again.

“Stop! Can’t you see you’re hurting him? Stop please! I’ll do whatever you want!”

Just as quick as the electricity is increased, it is abruptly stopped, and the Asset sags against the Chair, taking big, heaving breaths through the bit in its mouth.

“So we have a deal then?” the Handler asks, and a voice that the Asset cannot place replies, “Yes. You stop, you stop torturing him like this, and I’ll do whatever you want. No more fights.”

The Handler is looming over the Asset’s line of sight, presumably having moved closer while the Asset was being Wiped, and he’s smiling.

“Brilliant,” the Handler is looking at the Asset, but the words are meant for someone else. “First order of business - you’re going to upgrade the Asset’s arm. I don’t think it’s been worked on since the 1950s, and that’s an awfully long time, don’t you think?”

“Soldier,” the Handler says, and now the Handler is talking to the Asset, “It’s time you met your new partner in crime. Anthony Edward Stark, Designation: Assistant.”

The Asset spits out the bit, because its hands are still strapped down, and repeats, “Anthony Edward Stark, Designation: Assistant.”

Next to the Handler, the boy, the Assistant, attempts to smile, but it comes out as a grimace.

continue reading on ao3!!

#my writing #buckytony #winteriron #ironwinter #bucky/tony #bucky x tony #bucky barnes/tony stark #bucky barnes x tony stark #soulmates AU #1000 lives (for you) au #the memories bring back (you) #HYDRA tony stark #HYDRA bucky barnes #this is almost at 1k hits on ao3!! #so i thought i'd bring it to tumblr #so that more people know it exists!!!

[canary3d-obsessed]

Restless Rewatch: The Untamed Episode 16, part two

(Masterpost of All the Rewatches) (Previous Post) (Canary’s Pinboard of Stuff)

Warning: Spoilers for All 50 Episodes

Just A Box of Rain

The brothers find Jiang Yanli and tell her what happened. Pro Tip: a good way to deliver bad news is like this. 1. say "I have bad news" so the person can be prepared for a shock 2. clearly state the bad news. 

Standing in front of the person with tears streaming down your face and looking away when they try to meet your eyes is not, actually, a super effective method for delivering bad news. 

This episode continues to be punctuated by closeups of characters' hands as they respond to events. 

Yanli clutches her broken lotus pendant, cutting her palm and bleeding as she weeps.

Not-at-all symbolic rain drenches the three of them while they cry, standing apart and not comforting each other.

Sometimes a hurt is so deep deep deep You think that you're gonna drown Sometimes all I can do is weep weep weep With all this rain falling down

(more after the cut)

They upgrade their boat with repaired seats and a real oar, and move along toward a hopefully-safer location. 

The scenery continues to be gorgeous, and it appears to be actually really raining on this river or lake. We see Wei Wuxian's hand on the boat's oar as he takes his siblings to what he hopes will be safety.

Maybe you're tired and broken Your tongue is twisted with words half spoken

OP is valiantly resisting dropping a chunk of "Don't Pay the Ferryman" lyrics in here, because projecting European symbolism onto Chinese media is not my bag. This scene does carry a lot of weight, though, showing Wei Wuxian’s sadness and isolation, his ever-growing distance from his siblings and reminding us of his servant status. While his siblings sit under shelter with tears falling down their faces, Wei Wuxian stands in the rain, laboring to protect them and not letting his own tears fall.

It's totally reasonable that Wei Wuxian is the one to man the oar, right? I'm sure Jiang Cheng is the more exhausted of the two of them even though Wei Wuxian started off his day yesterday getting whipped FIVE times by the Zidian and ended it by being choked for 45 seconds.  

Self-Isolation

They reach an inn, where Yanli has a fever, maybe from being left outside all night while her brothers failed to work out any of their interpersonal shit, followed by getting extremely rained on for hours and hours. 

Wei Wuxian carefully puts on a bright, optimistic face for her, practicing for his future fake happiness after the Burial Mounds.

Jiang Cheng sits and has a lot of feelings, totally not helping while Wei Wuxian tends to Yanli. This is not typical of him and just shows how deeply shocked he is by what's happened; usually he is extremely attentive to Yanli and careful with her health.

Wei Wuxian tries to get Jiang Cheng's attention, so that Jiang Cheng can take over caring for Yanli while Wei Wuxian gets medicine. Jiang Cheng is busy staring into the middle distance, and won't respond.

This is Wei Wuxian realizing that absolutely nobody is going to help him.  

Wei Wuxian goes out in his distinctive robes with no hood or anything, to buy some fever medicine, and is quickly surrounded by guards.  They hear "we caught him" and run off, leaving him be.  

What Wei Wuxian doesn't know, that we learn in Episode 50, is that Jiang Cheng and his death wish decided to take a stroll, and seeing the Wen soldiers approach Wei Wuxian finally snapped him out of his reverie.  So he let himself be caught in order to draw them away from Wei Wuxian. 

Let's talk about this choice. In terms of clan roles, Wei Wuxian is absolutely the expendable one. Jiang Cheng became the clan leader when his father died, and knew it from the moment he saw his father's body. 

So far he's 1. Tried to go back to fight and die, against his parents' express instructions 2. left his sister alone in an inn with a fever 3. given himself up to be killed in place of his chief disciple, when it's his disciples' job to die for him, if it comes to that. All but two of Clan Yao's disciples died to protect fucking Captain Blowhard, for goodness sake.  

All of these actions are emotionally super understandable; he's young, he's had a terrible shock, and he's an emotional guy who's never heard of Dialectical Behavior Therapy. And I'm not here to defend feudal power structures. But perhaps Jiang Cheng shouldn't ring the "YOU PROMISED" bell quite so loud in the future, considering his own relationship to his obligations. 

Wei Wuxian begs Yanli to stay put and stay safe while he goes to find Jiang Cheng, and he promises to take Jiang Cheng back from the Wens. Yanli clutches his hands and asks him to promise again that he will rescue their brother, and that they will all go to Meishan together. But for once Wei Wuxian is completely honest, and disentangles his hands and sets off without another word.  

More running ensues, this time in the rain. To quote Adam in Season 7 Episode 1 of Spooks, "all this traumatized running is starting to really annoy me." (Spooks is the shit. Don't watch it if you like characters to have a lifespan longer than a mayfly's)

Camera Operator: Finally, a little appreciation

Wei Wuxian arrives in Lotus Pier, and can we just take a second to appreciate the decor of this place? Look at that tile floor with the cobblestone border, and the bamboo wall panel behind him.

He grabs the first Wen he finds, who turns out to be a much-needed friend.

Rescue Me

The Untamed is the tale of a man’s devotion; devotion so strong it transcends clan allegiance and even death. And that man’s name is Wen Ning.

Initially Wei Wuxian chokes him, like bros do, until he recognizes him and lets him go...

...only to immediately grab him and demand to know if he had a part in the massacre. Wen Ning stays pretty calm, seeing the angry side of Wei Wuxian for the first time, and explains that he heard about what happened, and is there to help.

Wei Wuxian absorbs this and lets him go, giving us a closeup of their hands together, with Wen Ning not so much resisting Wei Wuxian's grip as giving a steadying grip of his own to his best friend.

Wen Ning, who Wei Wuxian saved from one water demon, has already saved Wei Wuxian from one horrifying animatronic dog, and does not actually owe him a life debt at this point. Wen Ning has defied his sister and his entire clan and flown to Lotus Pier with a team of minions, with the specific intent of fucking things up for Wen Chao to the best of his abilities, simply because "Wei Wuxian is a nice person." 

Wei Wuxian isn't feeling like a nice person just now, however, thinking that he can use Wen Ning as a hostage to...what, trade for his brother? Wen Chao would probably be happy to kill Wen Ning himself, but his dad needs Wen Ning as a way to control Wen Qing, so maybe that plan would work.

Then Wei Wuxian sees this small pouch hanging from Wen Ning's belt, and it stops him in his tracks.

For once we are not given a flashback to explain his thinking, so I’ll provide one

The talisman he gave Wen Ning to protect him, now protects him from Wei Wuxian himself. He lets Wen Ning's arm go, and tries to think of another plan. 

Wen Ning already has another plan, and has come to Lotus Pier prepared to enact it. 

Wei Wuxian can't believe he's found someone to help him. In a moment of wrenching vulnerability, he asks Wen Ning to save Jiang Cheng and to retrieve the bodies of Jiang Fengmian and Yu Ziyuan. Wen Ning immediately agrees. 

Wen Ning then embarks upon the least sneaky sabotage campaign of all time, chatting to the guards while messing with the wine, and generally acting like a person who is up to something. 

Nobody respects him enough to worry about it, though, and the party proceeds as planned.

The banquet is set up in the cleaned-up courtyard of Lotus Pier The Yunmeng Supervisory Office, and features dancing girls performing in the center of the beautiful carved paving, and corpses hanging in the doorway. 

I bet Jin Guangyao hires this same dance troupe for his future parties.

Wen Chao and Wang Lingjiao sit at the main table, snuggling and being gross, but mercifully not necking on-camera because this is a 100% no-necking show. The drinks are sent around and Wen Chao tells Wen Zhuliu to drink up. 

Wen Zhuliu is busy gazing wistfully at Yu Ziyuan's corpse.

Let's face it, Wen Zhuliu is the only dangerous person in this place at the moment, so what he does next is the make-or-break for Wen Ning’s plan. 

Wen Zhuliu smells his wine and immediately can tell something is wrong. He takes a long moment to consider the situation, eyes on Yu Ziyuan, and then downs it, letting his emotions--perhaps something in the neighborhood of remorse, perhaps simple disgust at his craven supervisor--get the better of him.  

In the morning he will be able to tell Wen Chao with 100% precision exactly what the drug is, probably from smelling it right here. This is the only miscalculation Wen Zhuliu makes in the whole show, and it eventually costs him his life.

Wen Zhuliu has no reason to think this decision will hurt him. It's definitely impossible for Jiang Cheng, whipped and crushed, to avenge himself and his parents. But Jiang Cheng, with Wei Wuxian’s help, is going to achieve the impossible. 

We end with Wei Wuxian hiding while he waits for Wen Ning, as strung out as we have seen him so far, although he's got worse mental states ahead of him on his journey.  He doesn't know yet if he was right to trust Wen Ning, and the episode ends with him, cold, wet, and miserable, waiting to find out. 

Next Episode: Still miserable, but with a cape! Soundtrack: 1. Patty Griffin, Rain  2. Grateful Dead, Box of Rain

#fytheuntamed #the untamed #the untamed gifs #the untamed meta #jiang cheng #wei wuxian #restless rewatch the untamed #canary3d-original #my gifs #rain #moar rain