#being able to trust others

[merrsies]

I be out here trying to have a good day then BAM my brain reminds me of episode 25 of Ouran High School Host Club (2006) when after Kyoya gets slapped by his dad in public and the host club asks if he's okay, and he just looks away and says as detachedly as he can muster, "don't worry about it. its not like I haven't been expecting this."

and that's just

#kyoya ootori #ohshc #NO because #before we even talk about the kind of home life and family that implies #it shows that he was willing to sacrifice the one thing that he'd been working to achieve his whole life #that being his father's approval and his reputation #for the sake of tamaki and the host club #and thats why I dont like when ppl call kyoya a selfish character #because when he wants to be he can be so noble #but his emotional detachment and his walking away from the scene also show #that like haruhi he's hyper-independent to a fault #in that sense they're similar characters because they prefer to do things by themselves because theyre not used to #being able to trust others #haruhi b/c of being alone a lot of the time and kyoya b/c of the cut-throat pressure his family puts him under #but the host club for both of them #is an escape and a reminder that they arent alone #and that there are good people out there they can trust #but for kyoya in particular he can never truly relax #hence why he's the most closed off of all the hosts #its not like the pressure he's under ever leaves him fully #and im so GLAD that the show's finale has him throw back the company in his dad's face because he finds something far more meaningful #there's so much depth to him and the pinterest girls dont UNDERSTAND #just rambling incoherently #i have a lot of feelings about the silly rose petal anime ok #ik things go differently in the manga but i just rlly appreciate the arc they gave him in the anime towards the finale

[mobius-m-mobius]

He'll make it back.

Loki 1x05 // 2x01

#mobius #loki #lokius #mcuedit #lokiedit #marveledit #loki spoilers #owen wilson #tom hiddleston #dianagifs #owenwilsonedit #marvel #for the anon who asked about my fav parallel this is it!! #for now anyway... 👀 #forever a cautious optimist lol #the way loki finally isn't running they WANT to stay they WANT to come back to the only person who's ever grounded them... #in s1 mobius has already accepted he'll probably never see loki again that they'll be on to bigger better things #and mobius always wanted that for them so he makes himself move on then loki not only appears again physically fighting to be with him #but also making clear to everyone there's mutual respect and care and trust in being able to make things better including themselves #fun fact no one in their entire lives has ever put either of them first but each other so please enjoy thinking about that for eternity 🫠 #loki s2 spoilers

[yrsonpurpose]

"I’ve always thought of myself as a problem that deserved to stay hidden. Never quite trusted myself, or what I wanted. Before you, I was all right letting everything happen to me. I honestly have never thought I deserved to choose.” His hand moves, fingertips brushing a curl behind Alex’s ear. “But you treat me like I do.”

#rwrb #rwrbedit #red white and royal blue #alex x henry #alex claremont diaz #henry fox mountchristen windsor #firstprince #mine* #usernuria #userninz #userveronika #usersteen #chrissiewatts #usermaloune #userlang #userclara #we are back here again (but did we ever leave) (no) #alex being able to give henry the belief and freedom to become his true self is incredibly powerful #i just love their love and the trust they have in each other

[sunnykeysmash]

Man of words

#s16 spoilers #iasip #it's always sunny in philadelphia #always sunny #macdennis #analysis #parallels #I didn't exactly know how to name this thread but i had some scattered thoughts on it #dennis is the one mac depends on to define things. he's the man of words. but this situation is very limiting #firstly because mac can't read subtext. and dennis will rarely be open in his words. but he also doesn't know everything. #cant define everything. and by forcing the situation to have dennis speak for both. what actually happens is mac gets silenced #and when mac cant speak. no one besides dennis can ever possibly understand him. and that is very isolating. because den wont be open. cant #but they trust each other. theyre following each other's lead. and they're missing the right words #den defines his own self worth in the relationship by being able to have the right words. mac is the man of action! after all #but if mac learns to speak for himself. if mac doesn't depend on den (chokes). if mac is noticed for his appearance as den becomes insecure #(''what if my shirt falls off?'') what does den have left for mac? but mac will fall for him no matter what. #''make up or not you are the golden god! it's all about what's in here💗'' #maybe words arent necessary anymore. dont ask just do. and mac's the man of action... OR IS HE. #mac doesn't really act now does he. they got it backwards. don't they? mac got a lot better with his words in time... #idk lots to think about let me know what u think lolll #threads

[inkskinned]

will it ever be enough? when someone loves you, you feel something curl inside of you, sour and whiplike, angry at being unheard. they don't really love you, they love this facsimile you have ensconced in your rabbit body. they will chop up the bits of you looking for luck and never find the good soul you promise - their love slides off. you're viscera; you have spent a lifetime promising the blood is art.

oh but when someone hates you - well, they're right to. and you'd trip over your little grassknot legs for them. begging them to reconsider. you feel it all knifeedge, spinepoint straight through you. they're the ones who see the real you, after all; and if they can love you, you might finally feel worth something.

but if they do love you in the end, after all of that, after your heart like a fawn opens to gutter under them - you've fooled them, and it isn't worth anything anymore. they've just gone and fallen for it. the love slides right off.

once, you heard a line in a musical about being abandoned. you laughed at the time, unnerved. your voice a keen; too shaky to be candid.

will it ever be enough. will the love ever diffuse through your skin and sink into your marrow. are you even capable of feeling that - of feeling cared for - or are you still waiting, even right now, for the hunter to draw the bow and arrow. if you trust that love, even once, and are wrong, you know exactly what will happen.

and somehow you know - you'll never be able to fix that, once it's been broken.

#spilled ink #warm up #............... #... #okay to be honest #i had half a gummy and couldn't sleep #and i was like. how is it possible #i've never tried writing under the influence #psa: im 29 and in MA it's legal #i mostly take them to sleep so i haven't had the brainwave of like. #''....... other artists probably get high ...." #im too busy being like . #okay so if i take meticulous notes on the effects of each carefully measured portion i take per diem #i might be able to find the optimal amount for sleeping #if i'm held at a 45 degree angle and ive worked out for more than 30 minutes and ive walked a lot #and all of my work is done and my floor is clean and ive had a shower AND i have been able to find the right rain playlist #THEN i can sleep for a total of 7 hours #(i usually get 4. i know. trust me when i say I KNOW)

[moongothic]

You know I was wondering if Crocodile ever did have any kind of involvement with the Revolutionary Army in secret (lest the Government finds out and revokes his Shichibukai status), what kind of involvement would that even have been

And now, with both the Vegapunk/Ohara flashback and Kuma's flashback, it's being made very clear to us that the Revolutionary Army was broke as hell 22 years ago. Like the fact that this has been brought up twice now in a relatively short span of time is interesting to me, that's usually a sign it's not an unimportant plotpoint

But you know who would have had money to help fund the Army

A funny little warlord who would eventually go and build a fucking casino to run for funsies. A warlord who had to give the Government some of his Pirating Income to keep his warlord-status

Like Crocodile hated the Government anyways so why not help fund the Revolutionary Army in secret, out of spite if for no other reason

Vaguely related, but I keep on remembering this scene (post-Enies Lobby), which at first glance just seems like a basic Lore Dump

But then there's the

"Yet..."

(Or "however", she says "no ni" in Japanese and you could translate that in many ways, I would probably have gone with "however" but that wouldn't have fit into the speechbubble)

Mind you, the conversation just kind of ends there, next we see Garp realize he probably shouldn't have mentioned Dragon infront of such a massive audience, so wherever that "yet" was going to lead to we will never find out, because Oda conveniently changed the subject before we got to it

And you know. Like yes, Robin could be just expressing her shock over finding out that the leader of the Revolutionary Army had a child with someone

But also, Robin was a part of an organization that was trying to overthrow one of the founding countries of the World Government in an explicit attempt to go against said Government (compared to like, Blackbeard, who currently wants to make Fullalead into a "pirate country" that's a part OF the World Government)

Like you don't have to be a genius to look at Crocodile's ultimate goals and compare that to what Dragon is doing and find a few similarities here and there maybe

(Also like, Crocodile's equivalent in Romancing SaGa 2 is meant to be Wagnas, the queer-coded leader of the Seven Heroes (whom the OG Shichibukai are based on) who "hoped to help the world". You know, an interesting detail and all.)

Not to mention, during the time Robin spent with Baroque Works, if Crocodile was ever in contact with the Revolutionary Army at all, considdering she has the ability to easily spy on people and that she didn't trust Crocodile one bit, it wouldn't be unsurprising if she ever spied on Crocodile and/or just overheard a phone call or knew about Crocodile having secret spending habits or something

(Mind you, I'm not saying "she knew" Crocodile was involved with the Revolutionaries, more that she might've been Suspecting Things, that "yet" being about her connecting the dots while unsure if her conclusion was right or not)

Of course Crocodile's plans can't have been Dragon Approved by any means, especially considdering the Army had been looking for Robin for over 10 years (pre-timeskip)

Four years of which were with Crocodile. Like if he was FULLY allied with the Army and KNEW they were looking for Robin, surely he would've called Dragon and been like "hey I found the kid from Ohara, wanna come hang out" or something. But no, he had bigger plans and kept Robin a secret from the Revolutionaries and the Government alike

Also like, I have seen people question why the Revolutionaries weren't involved with Alabasta's rebellion at all, and "Oda hadn't come up with the Revolutionaries yet at the time of writing" (/"OP was meant to end at Alabasta at one point so there would've been no reason to introduce the subplot at that point") aside Between Baroque Works being a secret organization working undercover (thus the Army might not have been aware of the civil war being manufactured), the framing of the King making him look bad and very much the type of monarch that deserved to be overthrown in the Army's eyes, and Crocodile maybe lying through his teeth about what was happening in the country... Yeah, the Army's lack of involvement with Alabasta suddenly makes sense

EDIT Minor addition: Just realized that because Crocodile was technically working for the Government, if the Revs ever did send forces to participate in Alabasta's civil army and taking down the throne, the Government could've easily ordered Crocodile to step in to stop the rebellion and take down the Revolutionaries, right? Because he was supposed to be on the Government's side, right? And surely the Army wouldn't have wanted to fight against Crocodile if they were secretly allied (Croc's secret betrayal aside), and if Crocodile refused to fight the Revs the Government could've seen that as a reason to revoke his Shichibukai rights (which wouldn't be great if they wanted to keep Crocodile in a position where he could fund the Army?). So it could've also been a case of it being for the best for everyone's sake to let this one play out "naturally"

But my point is

I'm just deeply intriqued by these little details and wonder if I'm Actually Masterfully Connecting The Dots Like a True Genius or just seeing a pattern where there's none. Like this is far from confirming the theory, I'm just saying, the pieces do kinda fit together do they not

#Moon posting #OP spoilers #chapter 1097 #I'm just saying Crocodile being the Revolutionary Army's Secret Sugar Daddy would be hysterical #Not me having to tag this as OP spoilers because of one and a half panels from the latest chapter lmao #Also Croc and Iva knew each other etc etc everybody remembers that I don't need to point it out #((Although in Impel Down Iva-chan does actually tell Bon-chan about Crocodile being imprisoned at Level 6)) #((Saying ''he's crazy too in his own way''. Which is an interesting comment. IDK what to make of it. But it's there)) #((Like Level 5.5 was able to access news from outside Impel Down to the point they knew Bon-chan had worked under Crocodile)) #((To the point Iva-chan was like ''weren't you and Strawhat enemies''. So like. IDK I'm just Intriqued)) #You could also make an argument that this could also tie into Crocodile's good ol' trust issues #'Cause if his involvement with the Army was ever found out he'd have his Shichibukai Rights revoked etc #Also interestingly the Kuma flashback has very much skipped completely the period of time during Luffy was born #Going from the founding of the Army 22 years ago to Ginny's kidnapping 14 years ago #Crocodad Real etc (jk) #You know the derangement is bad when I look at one irrelevant line of dialogue and go like ''is this about my blorbo'' #OP Meta

[emosyzoth]

tumblr user magowolor posts magolor art (CHEERING AND CLAPPIN) yup yuup mhm thats right

#once he claws his way ouy of hell after definantly learning his lesson(not true) He and i will have a summer wedding #lol idk. maybe he did learn smthn but not necessarily the lesson he should have #like to him it was probably just ok MAYBE he shouldnt try n bite off more than he can chew n get carried away #and then he finds some other way to garner attention and make his impression on othars #esp w kirby hes reeely trying to overcompensate for his past misdeeds like hehe yah im suuuuuperr nice now trust ^-^ #but maybe just MAYBE theres a slight shift were hes like ok well what if i didnt want to be good just to be convincing #only Bc his past motivation and actions were all built off one lie after another. he cant even tell if these thoughts are genuine #sooo maybe his curiosity gets th better of him and he figures the only way to find out and also maybe possibly b able to form actual bonds #this time around is by commiting to actually intentionally being good and stuff #like hes not suddenly gonna try an be a complete goody two shoes and be perfect bc hes still a mischevious guy yknow but uhm. yeah. yknow #^^^oh BROTHER we got a real yapper over here -_- #kirby #magolor #krtdldx #myart

[p4nishers]

thinking about the relationship between mightily oats' "the worthwhile [words] don't burn" and constable dorfl's "the words in the heart cannot be taken"

#especially the journey both of them had to go through to get to the point of saying that. like the whole of carpe jugulum oats was so TORN #and before that too about what words could you believe and who could you really trust on their word about om and the prophets and he went #out of his way to look up records disproving what the book of om said bc he KNEW nothing they said could be believed and just all the pain #and all that doubt he went thru and the part where he questioned om's 'infinite compassion' as he prayed bc really what compassion? #how many people prayed at the stake just like he was doing in that moment? how many people had to live with the silence of their god just #like he did? but still when his book of om – that he clung to the whole book for reassurance – burned he said the worthily words don't burn #the worthily words are in the heart and in the mind and not feed into his mouth by old man who just #made things up to justify their actions. he had all the words he needded the whole time and holiness was always all around him. he just had #to look #and dorfl being created with words in his head that dictated his every move . words that chained him. then he and the other golems created #'king' for themselves in the hope he'd lead them to freedom but they put too many words in his head and he failed and carrot gave dorfl his #own freedom and his own words and that lead to dorfl destroying his well child basically and destroying himself in the process but the word #in his heart his OWN words remained and they were able to rebuilt him and vimes give him a voice and his words and belief remained in him b #they were always his #god. sorry for the ramble im severally unwell about them #mightily oats #constable dorfl #carpe jugulum #feet of clay #gnu terry pratchett #discworld

[tennessoui]

Obikin body swap idea: getting to see how the other half lives. Anakin just being super flustered by the idea that when he touches himself he's touching his master even for innocent things like running his fingers through his hair or getting to touch his beard.

Meanwhile Obi-Wan is trying to cope with how overstimulating Anakin's connection to the force is and even the best shields only dampen it slightly. Inner peace? He doesn't know her.

ooo i feel like when we talk about obikin body swap, this is always what we go with (overwhelmed by his master's body! anakin and overwhelmed by how anakin experiences the force! obi-wan), and it's good it's great i think these are great interpretations of the characters and i can see why it's such a popular take on obikin body swap

so what if that but also:

anakin overwhelmed by how little time obi-wan actually has to himself and how busy he is and him realizing that it's not that obi-wan purposefully doesn't spend as much time with him as he wants it's that obi-wan's body walks down a corridor and two younglings want him to give them a sparring demonstration, four Council meetings are scheduled, and one archives padawan is coming incessantly wanting to ask if he's ready for book club this week because she has thoughts on the last chapter

+

obi-wan unused to how strong he feels, how easy the Force suddenly is to manipulate; sure it's loud and i have a soft spot for that sort of headcanon about how anakin experiences the force, but i think we can't forget it wouldn't just just be overstimulating for anakin: it makes him powerful as fuck. obi-wan feels tired and the mechno arm hurts and it's straining his shoulder so he decides to use the force to call his datapaad over from its charging spot, but it zooms over so fast it shatters on impact with the wall

+

anakin overwhelmed by the new and unfamiliar aches and pains of obi-wan's body, the way he hurts when he wakes up, the way long space travel makes him feel sick and stiff

+

obi-wan realizing how persistent the chancellor is when it comes to comming and meeting anakin for lunch--oh lunch won't work what about tea oh tea won't work what about opera----

+

anakin trying spicy food for the first time in obi-wan's body and he's.... actually fine???? cue realizing that obi-wan was just pretending when he was younger to not like spicy food the bastard. (upon confrontation, obi-wan says, 'well it just seemed to mean so much to you on a personal level that i wouldn't be able to handle the heat of tatooinian food, i didn't want to disappoint you but you should really try stewjoni cuisine')

+

obi-wan realizing quite quickly that uh. anakin was not ever faking his very low alcohol tolerance

#asks #obikin #do not get me wrong i like a) the switched body trope #and b) the 'anakin is confronted with having everything he has always coveted and yet must resist' trope #paired with c) the 'anakin's connection with the force is deafening and loud and no one else could handle it' #trope well enough #especially when im in the particular mood for b or c (c is rarer for me but i have a soft spot for it) #but i feel like there are so many tropes to pull in for body swap #so many things that would overwhelm each other just about their daily lives #and before someone says something about obi-wan not being able to handle spice or scottish food isnt spicy #those are headcanons that i switch around whenever i want based on my mood i am a river i am a stream etc stewjon can be whatever i want #idk maybe ive just seen asks answered by other blogs with these specific tropes or im combining them in my head or smthng #cant really trust my brain most of the time

[scrawnytreedemon]

"Gerudo man acclimates cats in unethical manner: more at 5."

Behold! The nuclear family.

#hyrule warriors #tloz #tloz art #ganondorf #zant #ghirahim #team villain #scrawny draws #shitpost #fanart #nintendo was so right to stick them all together #i just think they could have gone wilder yknow yknow? #i need them to explode like an atomic bomb. #OR ! IF YOU DO WANT THEM TO GET ALONG !!! #i want it *earned* 😤👏 #ghirahim getting over his grief for demise and being able to connect again with people he initially despises #ganondorf learning to trust others after millennia of hurt alienation and fending for himself and making amends with his fellows #while zant realises the bitter hatred festering in his heart is ruining any relationship he has including w/ himself and he needs to let go #you could of course throw a betrayal in there. it is all very tenuous. #i don't think anyone is truly *comfortable* but it is them against the world yfeel me #until then though let them FIGHT !! #i could make a post about this but my brain is beans god help #obviously not the only dynamic i have for them. #there are Many. #send tweet ect. ect.

[fishyartist]

#valerie gray #danny fenton #danny phantom #grayghost #gray ghost #my art #fan art #taking that ''you have to draw horribly" advice to HEART and then slapping like 6 gradients over the mess to make it appear competent #idk i wanna revisit the concept of contact+their relationship evolving #like pinky swear->shaking hands->holding eachother i guess? #like despite the setbacks+hurt they both cause #it also has like joy+value. like the idea of knowing and trusting others depite lies and betrayal is worth the pain for the good or somethi #also i wanted 2 try the idea of the suit val gets from vlad looking like his. idk might b too on the nose tho... ill overthink it l8er #idk man its 4 am. my brain stopped being able to draw how i wanna weeks ago. (meds stoped working yippie! this wil b fixed soon <3) #wanna revisit this once i get my shit together but UNTIL THEN... #im going to bed and posting this and ur gonna looka t it and understand my vision through it all ok? ty!

[pinnithin]

im very compelled by the role memory loss plays in shadowheart's story, not only for the narrative flow of learning more about her alongside shadowheart herself, but also by the way its shaped her as a person, because how do you develop a personality when you so frequently cant remember who you are?

the trip back to the house of grief reveals that shadowheart's mission to retrieve the astral prism is far from the first time she's had memories removed. her past as a selunite, incidents throughout her sharran training, atrocities she's committed, the associated feelings of guilt and pain and loss - they've all been removed. several times over, in some cases, such as when she remembers her parents while in the process of torturing them.

but as in most cases with trauma and memory loss, she may not be able to remember what happened, but she remembers how it made her feel, and so she's learned to listen when her brain is giving her alarm bells. without anything concrete to make her decisions off of, she's built her identity around caution and heeding that inner voice when her instincts are trying to tell her something.

she wants to place her faith in shar. as far as facts go, serving her goddess is all she has to work with. its a comforting constant when her memory is so spotty and unreliable. but when she finds herself in situations where she should feel convicted in her actions but every instinct is telling her otherwise, her faith can't help but waver because she's learned over the years that her instincts can't be ignored.

she doesn't remember details, but she's skeptical and pragmatic enough not to just believe anything anyone tells her. she trusts her gut and sticks to her principles because that's all she has. and unfortunately for shar, its hard to brainwash someone into blindly following her faith when that person is a skeptic by default. especially when the methods shar uses to control people have only cemented shadowheart's tendency to question everything.

she trusts shar, yes, but she trusts herself more, and that's what ruins the plan to sacrifice the nightsong in the shadowfell, and i see that as a major factor in why shadowheart throws away the spear of the night. (i imagine viconia sees this coming, which could be why she sent her on the suicide mission for the prism to begin with) not necessarily because of anything alyn told her, but because it feels wrong. and when things feel wrong she's learned to listen.

idk i just find her so complex and interesting. here's a character who is so driven by very objective and practical standpoints but can only really trust her feelings because the part of her mind that's supposed to draw conclusions from fact is just lacking the necessary information she needs to make decisions. its a compelling mingling of character traits.

#and maybe this is just coming from someone who has an unreliable memory #both for disability reasons and for trauma reasons #but not being able to trust your own memory is such ass #and i really connect to the way she's learned how to work around it #people often say you cant make decisions off of emotion #you have to be objective and look at the facts #which is very true and real advice in some cases #but in other cases you dont HAVE the facts #because you dont remember them! #all you have are your feelings and when your feelings are telling you somethings wrong but you dont know why buddy you better listen #anyway i love her #bg3 #shadowheart bg3 #pin talks

[ecto-stone]

Danny?. .. ..  Phantom? Danny Phantom ? Heh cool cool.

#Hachi art #Friend from the other side AU ?? #Danny Phantom #vlad plasmius #for context Plasmius is never named #he named himself #and in ghost zone culture learning one true name have heavy emotional trust value #for a ghost born being named by other mean being accepted #to be able to live among the kin #and not being name mean being rejected #unwanted

[covey-o-quail]

kanej being abt like. waking up (metaphorically.) one day and realizing . oh. this person that has become such a staple in my life. i kind of want them 2 remain in it. and trying 2 navigate how that will look while so much is changing around and within them........ wah. ur honor they r simply

#hate that i was made 2 care abt them....... slash silly #them not having the same sense of humor. some of kaz's fav moments of being alive just them Hanging Out . #inej not being able 2 bear seeing him without his pride. kaz thinking up a dozen ways 2 keep her close but knowing the only way to stay In #Her Life was to... not do that. inej's hashtag aim hashtag purpose is her True Love she will not be kept from it 🖤🖤 #six of crows #uuugh w her knives ..... they way they work in tandem communicate without speaking simply so Accustomed to each other................. #two ppl who r Disillusioned w the idea of romance (there had been no boys 2 bring her flowers only men w stacks of kruge and purses full of #coin. kaz not even considering having any sort of emotional/otherwise close in nonphysical ways relationship w imogen) #get tricked into Knowing another person. Trusting them even

[dailykugisaki]

Day 130 | id in alt

I have no idea how Fushiguro dosent stumble over himself and so I made him do it.

Also Kugisaki I saw her run fast as hell girl was basically skipping.

#dailykugisaki #jjk #kugisaki nobara #fushiguro megumi #inumaki toge #Inumaki watching Fushiguro eat shit is funny as hell to specifically me #i have two nice ideas simmering rn #on a heavier note. if anybody EVER refers to whats going on right now as something “political” and not genocide. beat the fuck outta them #privileged assholes are showing themselves more frequently like worms after fresh rain its abysmal #now thats done with #I PERSONALLY THINK KUGISAKI IS PRETTY DAMN FAST #Fushiguro is not he enhances his speed and friction with the ground via shadows thats why he kinda does that #Kugisaki is fast as fuck based on pure spite and hatred for being spun around like a toy #She'll kill panda for that trust me. punt him like a damn football #shes extremely good at manipulating cursed energy its fucking canon so i imagine she knows how to like course that shit through her body ex #ez* #not a master but the best one outta.... basically all the students(not including the third years bc idk where to put them) low-key #she knows her shit #im tired of people saying she dosent know her shit she DOES #She is able to fucking float her nails! i aint seen anybody else float shit on will other than gojo bitch!! SHE IS HER #gojo i know you said Itadori was supposed to be one of those students to surpass you but look at Kugisaki im begging your white haired ass #ive made two au's and man making Kugisaki a witch and Maki an elderitch god and gojo a weird ass vessel n shit #and then the other au is Kugisaki as a fucked up robot and Maki as an angeo of judgement what the fuck am i cooking #bucket is fucking tweaking

[goldkirk]

I DON'T HAVE TO LIE ANYMORE!

#I DON'T HAVE TO LIE ANYMORE ABOUT ANYTHING #IT DOESN'T HAVE TO OVERRIDE ALL OTHER PROGRAMMING EVER AGAIN #HA #MY GOD THAT FEELS LIKE TWO DECADES OF RELIEF #and I found out yesterday. that this year. next winter. it IS two decades. exactly. this is the year. every day i am shown new reminders #that keep me going in my mission to relearn to fully and instinctually trust my self #ever since [redacted therapist] asked me point blank and my IMMEDIATE response was complete disbelief #a firm 'you think there's any universe where i'd feel like i could trust myself? after my nonstop history of failures and being horrible?' #tone “No!” of disbelief #and a horrible way-too-harsh laugh that bolted out before I could strangle it off and stop it. #that woman never coddled my feelings any time I spoke something alarming or bullshit and that was so helpful to me #and the tone she let exist in her voice when she responded to me with a very uncharacteristic “Oh Katie.” #was so. so much more agonizing for me. than her responding with an immediate logical slam-dunk of the truth about healthy behavior and stuf #anyway ramble over i'm so tired. i've done so much trauma work this week i am Drained emotionally #now i see what the past several months but especially especially #the baffling (to me) infuriating out-of-control-speedrun-somatic-processing + every-health-condition-flaring slog that December and January #were for me when I hadn't expected anything to be wrong #...and the extremely specific way this certain zone and particular incident kept coming up over and over and over and over and OVER was not #a bug. it was a feature. thank goodness i trust myself for little things now bc that's the only way i was able to get to this other side #and look back and suddenly realize that my subconscious and body knew what they needed and had a plan in progress the whole time. just like #i rationally say I trust them to have and do. #and that perhaps maybe. for real for real instead of just TELLING myself hard enough a lie that i trust my self and i trust my body and tha #they always know their own needs and timing if really slow down and listen to them f u l l y #anyway. yeah. bye haha i need to stop oversharing on the internet #trauma evolution #shh katie #personal #my god. i wished for this day more than i wished for anything else my whole life. all these many many many many years. what magic. #add to journal #abuse