#being an adult is the happiest Ive ever been

[chicago-poet]

idk i went back and forth on whether to post this bc i dont make a lot of posts and idk why i expect people to care but also i do want to tell someone and have other people know so.

super long confusing musings on my sexuality and stuff under the cut. its long so u dont have to read it but id like it if u could like the post if u wanted please n thank u 💖💖

like ok so for a long time now ive id'ed as an ace lesbian and felt at home with that and now bc of circumstances and reasons ive started thinking again.

but a part of me has always felt so disconnected from other lesbians like they all understood something i didnt and i loved the solidarity and community of being a lesbian but i didnt really understand such a big part of it. wrt being in love and sex and all. like i think i confused wanting that closeness and intimacy as being the same thing as feeling it.

and like i guess the turning point of that is that like i do want companionship and someone in my life but the way i want it is never the way other people do even through casual dating etc like sex and romance...the way i want those things are so specific to me and its feels like a venn diagram thats a circle and no one else is ever going to share that with me. maybe someday but its such a slim window to fit into that i cant expect it of other people right now.

but ive been reading abour qprs bc thats another thing ive been super critical on in the past (and i still kinda cringe hearing it) and i mean on one hand qweerplatonic feels like one of those tumblrisms thats code for "my discord relationship" and i feel like when you have a community based on a lack of something people fill the vacuum with like. fandoms and strawman comics. like im adult that pays taxes i dont have squishes on anyone.

but like that aside. i do get it. i like my independence and not having to compromise on things and it would be nice to have a life partner who is similar in those things but still wants the emotional intimacy and exclusivity and commitment of a partner. and qpr is like the best way to explain what i need to other people ig

and in that way i finally understood that like. being acearo is a very specific way to want a connection with someone and u do need words for that so u can find other people like u bc most people dont feel like that and its not wrong to want words to explain what u want to other people and if qpr is the best way to phrase it then i guess im stuck with it.

and then its like so do i feel attraction??? have i ever? but im still gay?? how can i be gay and also acearo? but it makes sense to me bc like i want a partner someday and it is more than a friendship. like in the past ive had very intense girl friendships that blurred the line where we would cuddle and hold hands and talk abot getting married and everyone negged us about dating/thought we were dating and ive always been the one to shy away from it when it came down to finally confront it.

but then when it comes time to say if were gfs i just....dodge the question forever. and i feel guilty about stringing ppl along like that bc i know they want something more than that and im ignoring it. like ive always been happiest in that gray undefined zone thats more than friendship but not quite dating.

like ive always been free with affection and then uncomfortable when someone (understantably) wants it to mean something more. ive always been the one whos not as into the other person while theyre enamoured with me. like my ex just used to gaze at me and say they love me and id be like .....thanks....you too! bc i did love them and i thought we wanted the same things. but it was complicated.

ALL THIS is to say that if i do enter in some kind of life partnership somehow it would still be with a woman or non binary person most likely bc i feel most comfortable with them and still dont like men in that way. so im still gay?

but u know. i identified as bi before as a lesbian before and then an ace lesbian so right now im in a phase of my life where aromantic asexual lesbian is the best way to describe me and im okay with that. it doesnt have to make sense to anyone else but me. it can be contradictory and confusing and "incorrect" but like if thats what i feel descibes me best then thats how im gonna be. its lonely but its also freeing because at least now i realize that i know what i want and i can have what i want if i meet the right person someday.

flowers for u if u read this far down💐💐💐💐💐💐 thank u to anyone who read any of that.

#the mortifying ordeal of spilling ur guts on tumblr dot com

[abukhal14]

Looking back, it was probably one of the happiest moment of my teenage-adult life. Even though yall showed me that yall didnt gave a fuck about me since the start, ive always wanted to be a part of the group. Maybe ive never felt a sense of belonging before but i guess i grow up slower than normal people do to know that what we had wasnt it.

I know i never respected your boundaries and personal space but given the fact that the rest did it too left me clueless. The way you were aggressive with only me is bullshit and maybe i was the only one who you could vent out your pent up anger to. I know I havent been nice to you and i realised it way back but i guess why i did it was purely because it was fun. If only u knew the amount of times u were the topic and how people you gravitate towards to talked shit about you passionately would be disappointing for you. All the shit talking that they do and im always the one defending your name. Im proud of you the most for achieving what you secretly wanted. In all honesty, have a backbone of your own and stick up for yourself.

We go way back and out of everyone, im disappointed in you the most. We've been through alot together but you switching up on me is crazy just because you feel like he has more to offer than what i have to offer. Being opportunistic when it comes to work/school is great but doing that to our friendship is out of pocket. You love putting our friendship on the line multiple times over minute things but act like things never happened. It bothers me how u hate when injustice is happening to you but when the same injustice is happening to others, you act like its nothing. I hope you blossom in life and achieve all your goals and dreams and build a wonderful family like you wanted.

To be honest, i have no issues with you but i havent been the best of friend towards you especially how i tested your patience to your limit. You are probably the most matured but nobody is going to see it the way i do. I truly believe people who has unfortunate background have amazing mind. If there is a thing i could tell you, do things for yourself and never to prove to others that you have something to offer. Friendship is seen when you have nothing to offer and they would still do it for you genuinely.

You are the worst ever. Manipulating your own friend because you feel like are the alpha. That itself is a problem because you see yourself as an alpha. I saw through you but ive never open my mouth to talk shit about you. Nah, maybe i did. You do things to others but when the same things is done to you. You purposely fuck up the mood by getting upset and become the child who throws a tantrum and make sures everyone notice so that way, everyone would know i was the cause of the mood change. Ive been nice enough to you hoping ud change for the longest of time but i guess u become worst. The same people who you "treasure" are the same people you talk the most shit about. Ill pray for you to be a better person and i hope you keep achieving what you want in life.

I know im not perfect, i have my flaws too but im always thinking for all of yall but its never appreciated. I would have given up everything for yall even my last dollar but yall would fuck me over. Im honestly sad that i chose to leave but i feel like its the only way for me to get my peace that ive longed for. Im glad that we happen but ill pray from afar and i hope that ill be the last to break away and for yall keep the friendship strong and have each other to depend on. Thankful for the memories we created together but now i know i cannot trust nobody, i can just hope people dont fuck me over.

[sacrilegious-snapshot]

X

#as i was saying #i wish i could just dive headfirst into shit like other people my age do #obviously thats not entirely ideal cause regret n shit but #itd be nice to just be happy instead of constantly being wary of that happiness being ripped away #i hate that i cant do anything for fear of regretting it later #adults say thats maturity but when is my time to be impulsive and reckless #cause they already got theirs #its to a point where i can barely enjoy life bc my brain is constantly thinking of everything that could go wrong #and everything that im doing wrong #and everything that *always* goes wrong for other people #it ties back into the puppy love anxiety thing #i dont want this to be just a thing that happened #cause im the happiest ive ever been #i dont ever want to be alone again #but im constantly scared i dont know myself well enough and i will be #bc ‘what if u dont love him’ #i do love him #so much #and i guess thats what draws the line #cause i do see a future #i wanna marry him #and have an apartment together #raise cats and plants and wake up next to him every morning #but do people feel that about puppy love relationships? #is my brain going too fast?? #and theres no one to answer that for me cause all they can say is #‘i dont know’ #its almost 7am i should sleep #ill be genuinely shocked if anyone read this far #shut up lev

[regrettablewritings]

I, u, y for bodhi rook please!

As the words process in my mind, a tear rolls upon my cheek . . .

Could it be? I dare wonder. An lo: It is.

He has returned, after so far away in time . . .

I = Impression (What was their first impression?):

Well, he certainly wasn’t what you had expected, that was for sure. Defecting from the Empire was no easy feat, even for somebody as unassuming as a delivery pilot. To the enemy, every literal body counted — even if only to assure complete dominance over the individual. So when you had learned that one of their own had not only detected, but potentially played key in helping to locate Galen Erso?

You couldn’t help it: Your imagination went wild. You imagined someone big and strong, teeth gritting from years of pent up anger towards the unjust causes of the tyranny spreading across the galaxy.

What you got was a scrawny, sheepish, possibly traumatized (thanks, Saw, you absolute nerf-herder) slip of a man who seemed to be afraid of taking up any space he happened to exist in. It was...disappointing to say the least. But you had to commend him regardless for defecting and even surviving Saw, and there was no gain in looking down on him.  

And then came the Scarif mission.

Nobody had expected him to go -- well, nobody was excpected to go, given that the Alliance Council turned down Erso’s idea, but least of all you expected him to be willing to go and do it. You expected the blind guy to go sailing off to a certified death mission before you did this guy! And honestly, that had you worried for him. Unfulfilled expectations or not, he wasn’t someone who had incurred your ire or even your indifference; you may not have gotten the chance to actually know him beyond a few words exchanged during the very brief time he’d been on base (“Welcome to the right side.” “Uh, y-yes . . . Thank you . . .”), but he certainly didn’t strike you as someone who needed to go on this type of outing. Enough people died unnecessarily in this damned war . . .

To learn, eventually, that he wasn’t one of them was therefore all the more shocking to you.

While the mission to steal the Death Star blueprints had been successful, it clearly didn’t come easy. Everyone who had survived had been wounded to some degree, with Captain Andor appearing to receive the worst of it as he was carted off to the infirmary. Bodhi, to your relief, wasn’t especially harmed. Roughed up, certainly, and clearly shaken from the experience, but that didn’t change what you now knew for certain: Bodhi Rook, this timid bean pole of a defector, was one of the bravest men you had the pleasure of knowing existed.

Even though he apparently was intimidated by you when you two first met. Granted, everyone intimidated him: He had just went AWOL with the government he’d been employed by, he was “taken in” by people whom he’d been taught by propaganda to fear and be distrustful in, he was still trying to regain his frazzled sanity after being interrogated by that . . . that thing, and he’d just witnessed his home get bombed. Needless to say, the anxious-by-nature man was simply not in an especially welcoming mood.

Still, he tried to be civilized (maybe because he feared getting beat up if he didn’t). He wasn’t sure what to say in response to your, er, “greeting” when you hustled up war-battered clothes besides an awkward thank you. He really wasn’t sure what to make of you that would separate you from his overall feelings towards nearly everyone in this whole operation: You were strong, you had been through enough and were surely hardened by it, and you could probably snap his spine over your knew if you particularly cared to.

Of course, he’d spent next to no time with you when he thought these things of everyone involved in the Rebellion. He had no time to: He had to fly around the Maker’s galaxy and back! It actually wasn’t until after the Scarif mission that he was given ample time to readily wipe his impressions and assumptions clean. He felt he needed to, given what dedication he’d seen on those beaches.

Besides, you approaching him afterward certainly helped. You picked up that he wasn’t fond of crowds during evening mess when he quietly slinked away from the group gathering to hear retellings of the infiltration on Scarif. You figured perhaps a one-on-one situation might’ve sufficed. Better yet, inquiring about his current state might’ve been preferable to reliving the experience.

He appreciated the gesture on your part. Maybe . . . you weren’t nearly as ice-cold as he’d thought you were. At the very least, definitely not as bad as Cassian.

U = Unencumbered (What helps them relax?):

Bodhi is a naturally anxious person, and the hardships and experiences he’s encountered haven’t exactly made that any better. Sure, he’s a lot braver now and more willing to act, but he’s still nowhere near as gung-ho or fiery as his companions.

He’s had some methods in the past that clearly didn’t work out in his favor (fun fact: he’s got a record for gambling), but one of the best tried and trues is simply going somewhere quiet. His thoughts are in a constant buzz, he benefits from a lack of outside stimuli when he feels overwhelmed. The problem is . . . quiet is so very hard to find when you’re in the middle of a war. As an Imperial cargo pilot, you could just plain forget about the idea of having time to yourself: You belong to the Empire, your time is the Empire’s time and you are in no position to use it up.

Being a part of the Rebellion is better by legions, but the base on Yavin IV leaves much to be desired in terms of privacy and quiet. Luckily, the planet is lush and forested: If Bodhi is on base and feels the need to sit in the quiet and gather his thoughts and calm down, he need only walk in any given direction, find a tree to sit under, and just stay there for a while. The places he chooses are far enough to where he can relax and not have his thoughts and heartbeat disturbed by the banging of machinery or the hollers of drill sergeants, but never so far as to be unable to get help should he need it.

It wasn’t long before he began to incorporate you into these relaxation methods, however. As it turns out, as much as he may enjoy being able to sit by himself in the brush, he very much likes being able to sit with you anywhere. You’re almost like a walking calming center for him, especially when you touch him: Hold his hand, rub his back, let him lay his head on your lap so you can play with his hair . . . It’s like a missing link he never knew he’d been missing to begin with! They’re seemingly small things, but they make a big difference. You can always feel him losing his tension beneath your touch, often announced by quiet sighs or tiny shudders. It’s truly the cutest thing and you’re so glad to be the cause of it and help him calm down. Just not nearly as glad as he is to have you there to calm him.

Y = Yes (Do they ever think of getting married/proposing?):

The thought of marriage has switched on and off throughout Bodhi’s life; really, it depends on the exact moment. As a child, he certainly thought about it more, if only because children are want to do such things. But as an adult, it begins to falter. By the time the events of the story show up, he can go long stretches without even once thinking about his stance on whether or not he should get married. Because really, it’s more based on the exact moment: If he’s in a surprisingly good way or even in a moment where he must think about how short life can be, the certainly he gives it some thought.

But in his usual misery and anxiety while serving the Empire, such silly concerns are the furthest thing from his mind; they’re so far on the back burner that they may as well have fallen behind the stove, forgotten, dusty, and moldy!

Even when he meets you, the thought surprisingly doesn’t come up for a while. It’s not that you don’t make him happy or inspire any intention of long-term romance -- far from it, actually! You make him feel the happiest and most comfortable than he’s felt in literal years! In fact, that’s honestly probably why the subject of marriage doesn’t pop up to him so immediately: His life as of late has become a bit of a balancing act, what with him now being a part of a rebellion he hadn’t planned on joining and, consequentially, trying not to get him or his new comrades killed. Normally, this sort of thing would’ve sent him into a panic-induced coma. But with you present in his life, giving him a sense of calm and someone to fight hard enough to come back to, you actually make him start to enjoy the present. (Well, the calmer ones, at least.)

He’s not as caught up about the past or afraid of the future as he used to be; he’s actually enjoying the moment with you as is. Sure, every now and again, if he does (or doesn’t) mean to think about it, his mind does slip and he finds himself thinking, “Yeah, I wouldn’t mind being with them after all this . . .” He even dares to dream about the two of you sharing a life together on a nice, simple planet with lots of trees and greenery. Maybe somewhere quiet. A farm might be nice: He can so some gardening there and you two can build a house together, all big and roomy like you’d always wanted instead of cramped and stuffy like the living quarters you always complained about . . .

But then his attention would be dragged elsewhere (to a meeting, to training, to you calling him to join you for dinner). He doesn’t mind. He’s not brushing aside the possibilities of proposing to you and marrying you, but the dreams can wait: All in all, you’re here right now and he’s perfectly content being there with you. For now.

Thank you for asking and for being patient!

#bodhi rook x reader #bodhi rook #bodhi x reader #rogue one x reader #rogue one imagines #rogue one imagine #fluff alphabet #fluff headcanons #regrettablewritings

[pinkvhs]

this has been a long time coming

ive detached from jack / dont watch jack anymore. i’ve poured so much into this story that involved the egos that i just....can’t let it go. so, im making ocs for the story instead. 

inspired by @lilakennedy . . . here is some info about my boys

Marvin the Magnificent➜ Marvin Lir MacKenna 

age: 27- from the 1920s

Brown wavy hair that goes to past his ears a bit

Blue eyes

Height: 5′7″

irish & welsh ( mother from wales father from ireland ) 

an illusionist / performer 

 Stage performance & regular attitude are a complete 180. Very bold on stage and confident but once he is off he is more reserved and calm

Best friends with Daniel

Knew Daniel for years, since they were around 10 years old. Extremely close bond.

Doesn’t believe in spirits but is very cautious / superstitious 

Gets powers whenever he and Daniel accidentally summon Phonus at Daniel’s Birthday/Halloween party. When it was just the two of them alone. 

He tries to attack Phonus since the monster killed Daniel 

but once he made contact with the demon, he was immediately teleported into our timeline. He took some of Phonus’s powers as a result 

He ends up getting burn marks on his arms/hands and face due to trying to physically fight Phonus when he was furious 

He has powers now, some he doesn’t know he can do yet. But his powers are: ✪= Not used often. ✦= strongest. ✧=weakest

✦ Empathic Element Manipulation ✦✪Fire Manipulation, ✦✪Necromancy, ✦Telekinesis,✦Kinetic Charging

✧✪Electricity Manipulation, ✦Magical Wall Generation, ✦Teleportation, ✧Intangibility, ✧Healing Hands, ✦✪Naturakinetic Combat

Riley finds him and helps him on his feet to find a place to stay

The two of them become close friends eventually, it takes a long time for Marv to warm up to people in this strange new environment- still tortured by that night. 

He blames himself for Daniels death every day. 

With his new unknown powers, he tries to go back in time to stop all this from happening. 

He opens up about his powers to Riley and the truth. 

Riley is beyond amazed that powers and magic exist, he tries to help Marv with his powers. 

He ends up needing to find a sort of job to stay at his home, so he tries the one thing he loved- entertaining people. With his magic, he dumbfounds audiences. 

However, once things were just looking up, his fire magic (the strongest) goes wrong.

He ends up catching a stage set on fire, causing injuries to hundreds. 

He panics. Riley tries to calm him down. But he can’t take it, he is convinced that he is destined to cause harm with these powers. 

He vanishes to a place by the sea and isolates himself, causing people to believe he died in the fire accident. 

He spends his time trying to prefect time travel and is consumed by isolation. though, he does attract wild life to him. they are very at ease with him

Refuses to use his fire magic 

One day, he comes across Viktor’s body on the shore. He takes him in quickly to his small home that he protected in case Phonus ever finds him.

He revives Viktor to come to. The stranger is a total mess and he tries to heal the man, but Viktor grabs him on reflex. So the man patches himself up

The two live together for a few months as the injuries heal up

Viktor convinces him to visit Riley again, so he does.

He teleports there and leaves a note stating that he is alive. He can’t bring himself to see Riley face to face

In the end, he tries to fight off Phonus. He fails miserably

He returns to his home, having Riley there with him. He gives Riley his powers because he doesn’t want to die and these powers go back to Phonus.

He trusts Riley with his life

Once Riley is given the powers, he passes away.

When his body is all alone peacefully at rest in the home, without any magic to protect it, Phonus finds the body

But no magic

The demon still takes the body. Using it to wake him up again and look into his mind to find out where the powers have gone

He remains a soul bounded victim to Phonus and reunites with Daniel

Both under Phonus’s control

Chase Brody➜ Noah Oliver Dodge

age: 29 - from our timeline

messy brown hair thats dyed blonde at the tips of it

brown eyes

Height: 5′9″

American

Dropped out of university and works part time at a local electronics store

loves to break things and try to fix them up again and make it totally new! 

has a passion for computers and likes to make his own computer 

he also loves film and had dreams of making a film 

a disaster cook but god help him he tries 

Father of 2 girls 

childish and fun loving 

reckless at times 

loves nature and going on walks / hikes 

met his wife in high school (been together since they were 16) 

they go to the same university, his wife studying to be a nurse 

at 18 he accidentally gets her pregnant and her parents arent the happiest about it

they get married at 19 

he becomes a stay at home dad and drops out to take care of their baby till she finishes nursing

they end up having another child once they get a small apartment together 

his daughter is friends with Viktors daughter and thats how the two families meet 

His wife actually works with Viktor and didn’t know at the time

his wife divorces him because, even though she does love him, she can’t keep working like this just to get by. she needs security and they dont have it. 

he is allowed to see his kids still but at the time it was very painful for him

he lives alone in that apartment, often calling Viktor to talk and invite him over so he doesn’t do shit he regrets 

he talks about how Viktor is so lucky to have such a wonderful life and wishes he could have that (since he doesn’t know the truth)

Viktor and Noah become very close and often have their kids over at each others houses

he hears news that Viktor is missing and becomes a mess. he is alone and doesnt know what to do. 

he tries to make it known that he is missing online, making posts and videos as much as he can to get peoples attention 

he visits the Valentin house hold and offers his wife any help thats needed, despite knowing all the turmoil they went though. he cares about the kids and doesn’t want them to worry. 

Henrik Von Schneeplestein➜ Viktor Alexis Valentin

age: 32 -from our timeline 

short grey hair

extremely pale blue eyes

pale, almost sickly skin 

Height: 6′2″

German

Doctor that specializes in internal medicine (meaning he focuses on helping adults) but also is a surgeon

Father of 3 girls

loves to bake! 

a hopeless romantic actually

he is very cold and standoff ish but once he loves you, he LOVES you

blunt to a fault still though

cares about people. more so than his own well being

extremely loyal

met his wife in university. he took an anatomy art class 

his wife helped him improve his drawing skills and the two became close

he fell for her very hard 

they get married and live in a house that they saved up for (with extra help from both of their parents)

once settled, they have their children 

his wife is a biology teacher with a minor in art teaching! 

he takes family trips whenever he can to the beach! his kids love the ocean!

he comes home one day to find his wife cheated on him- he suspected this for a while now. he found a shirt underneath the bed, thinking it was just a gift for later down the road for christmas or something. he went to fix it when a piece of paper fell out of the pocket. her phone number

he never gets mad at her. he blames himself

he thinks he isnt perfect enough

he becomes extremely distant and cold, more than before. never knowing when to bring it up

the two of them grow apart but still live together

they make sure not to worry their children though, they dont want them to think its their fault. 

he never brings up this information to Noah because he doesn’t want him to worry. 

very envious of Noah though and wish he would smack him. Noah has a wife that loves him and he wishes that Noah could wake up and see that and fix his actions. 

he does break down one night and tell Noah everything that happened

one day at the office, a man came in with a horrible neck injury. 

he typically sees people who just need some medication or the worst injury being a bite from a dog, but even that wasn’t bad. 

he rushes to take care of the stranger. once they were alone for a brief second, he gets trapped inside. 

Phonus used Daniels body in order to get to the Doctor. He attacks and possesses Viktor. 

Once Phonus is done using Viktor, he takes him to a cliff near the sea

He is snaps his neck and lets the body fall into the ocean. 

Eventually, he washes up to shore where Marvin is

he stays with marvin for months while he heals up himself, he refuses to get any magic help

once he decides to leave marvin has a hard time letting go, he is worried viktor will fall victim to phonus again 

he leaves to go home but once he reaches the steps, phonus finds him again. 

Jackieboy Man➜ Riley Lee Young

age: 23 - from our timeline 

very curly blonde hair

green eyes

skin that tans pretty easily 

the most muscular out of the lads but isnt extremely buff 

Height: 5′6″

American

Lives alone in a small apartment 

a college student, unsure what to major in but possibly wants to be a vet

LOVES animals! 

a vegetarian ! 

a pretty good cook actually! 

has a heart of gold and sees the best in most people, though he isn’t stupid. he knows there are terrible people in the world that can’t change and deserve punches to the face

he watches pets and volunteers at animal shelters!

he also babysits Viktors kids to get some money

was kicked out of his home. Viktor found out about it and bought him a small apartment to live in. (he would of offered Riley to stay but he has issues at home that he doesn’t want to subject Riley to on the daily)

he is the girls big brother figure and he loves to pay pretend with them ! 

He meets Marvin and they eventually become friends

he helps Marvin gain back confidence, giving him a place to stay, and helps him actually feel . . at home in this timeline 

when he finds out the truth that marvin is from the 1920s and has powers he cannot get over how cool it is! calling him a super hero and showing him comics that he has. he helps marvin try to get a better hold on the powers

he was around whenever the fire accident with marvins powers happen, he tries to calm marvin down but ends up alone. left to wonder what happened to his friend. 

When he has to start university up again he has to let the Valentin family know that he can’t be around as much as before but will try to help out if needed 

Viktor’s wife ends up calling Riley one day and begs him to come to the house as soon as he can for Viktor has been missing for days now

Riley puts up posters and gets the news out that Viktor is missing as much as he can around the city. 

He still goes to university but spends a lot of time in the Valentin household. Visiting on holidays and the girls birthdays. Having no news of Viktor. 

he later on gains marvins powers, his mainly being electricity and strength. 

he is set on finding phonus and fixing things for marvins sake 

Jameson Jackson➜ Daniel Edmund Thomas

age: 27 - from the 1920s

slicked short black hair

brown eyes

Height: 5′7″

British

a charming, bold, charismatic man 

an actor and musician, exceptionally good on piano

very witty and clever

lives a rather extravagant life 

very close friends with Marvin, trusts him with his life

on his 27th birthday on Halloween, he throws a party

he loves to mess around with guests and asks Marvin if they can have a a seance

they try it to entertain the guests, but nothing happens (to marvins relief) 

the party continues on till its just marvin and him by the end of the night

they try again to contact from the beyond

they succeed 

he comes face to face with the demon. an invisible hand causing him to kill himself. making Marvin watch 

he becomes Antiphonus’s personal toy 

his mind becomes warped and he loses all sense of who he used to be

he tries to fight back, but once he does, his tongue is cut out of his mouth. never to be able to voice for help again 

his body now bound to Phonus becomes a personal pin cushion. being cut open and inspected to see how far humans have come with healing themselves. to see how far a human body can handle things

being trapped with phonus he starts to believe that Marvin caused his death. he believes everything phonus tells him and is set on killing marvin 

he becomes very aware of realities all thanks to Phonus. 

Antisepticeye➜ Antiphonus

age: unknown. 

an immortal being / demon

seems to have been around for centuries 

first appears invisible, then a shadow figure, to a pitch black faceless figure that takes on more of a human shape - till finally, he appears to look like Daniel 

he is fascinated with humans, very curious and destructive 

he takes Daniel in as a host. he rests inside of Daniel’s body till he is strong enough to mimic the physical outer appearance of him

when he possesses people becomes stronger. he doesnt have full control right away, it takes him a bit of time to warm up once again to how powerful he used to be. 

he can see into his victims mind when possessing them, he knows all what Daniel knows / remembers. Daniels fame, fears, friendship. family, love- he knows it all. 

He uses this to his advantage to keep Daniel around without fighting him back- using Marvin against him

he is after the powers that he accidentally gave to Marvin on impact

he travels to the dimensions he has access to and time lines in hopes to find Marvin, taking Daniel along with no choice

he lands in our dimension and timeline to sense that his powers are close by

He ends up sabotaging Marvin’s performance with fire magic in order to kill him or capture him but it fails- he looses sight of him

While he is searching through the streets, he over hears talk about the human body. He comes across Viktors practice building and opens the door a crack. He can sense so many souls and blood in that building and gets vastly curious. He notices people injured and ill, waiting for care. He hatches an idea. 

 He returns to Daniel and possesses his body. He takes Daniel to an alley way close to the building, away from the eyes of others. He grabs the sharpest thing he can find and plunges it deep into the side of his neck and carves it out slowly and rips it out. 

He quickly makes Daniel reach the building and barges in, causing everyone to look on in horror. The nurses there rush to his aid as Phonus makes Daniel gasp and hold his neck to try to stop the bleeding. Nurses page for Viktor asap as they get Daniel to a stretcher and room fast.  Viktor arrives shortly after and is fast to help Daniel. Daniel just looks at Viktor and tries to nod. 

Once the nurses leave for a brief moment and its just him and Viktor, Phonus makes the door lock them inside.

Viktor goes to inject him with medication but Daniel reaches out and grabs Viktors arm. He say to Daniel that he knows needles are scary but you need this now, let go please. Daniel sits up and twists Viktors arm, causing Viktor to wince in pain while looking shocked. 

He grabs Daniels hand with his free one and tries to pry it away, but can't. Daniel kicks him away, causing him to stumble and fall to the ground. He gets up from the bed. The lights inside the room begin to flicker faster and faster. Electronics in the room flickering on and off, radios and tv consumed with fast stations, fluctuating volumes, and static. Viktor gets to his feet and hears all this noise and sees this horror in front of him. 

Phonus leaves Daniels body, causing Daniel's wound to disappear. Phonus stands in front of him.

He gets inside of Viktors mind to find all that he can about the human body and the amount of pain that it can handle. 

He sees in Viktors mind a young man with curly blonde hair. And for a brief moment inside of Viktors mind, he sees Marvin 

in the end he ends up taking Marvin captive but finds that the powers are gone. 

he keeps marvin around because he sees too, that he gave that blonde boy his powers

so he is on the hunt for Riley 

#.txt #smoke & mirrors #not yt related #long post #my ocs #THIS ISNT EVERY SINGLE DETAIL BUT GOD HELP ME THIS WAS HARD #I HAD TO HOLD BACK A L O T #BUT I NEEDED.....SOME OF THE IDEAS IN THERE LSDJFDAS

[cupidmarwani-archive]

The Med Groupchat

Summary: The title speaks for itself.

WC: 1.5k

[crickett has renamed the chat “SEXY BITCHES”]

crickett: my city now

[Maggie<3 has renamed the chat “Gaffney ED”]

Maggie<3: Absolutely not

J. Lanik: Dr. Marcel, I can just kick you out of the chat if you cannot take this seriously.

crickett: rude

[J. Lanik has changed “crickett”’s username to “Crockett Marcel”]

[Crockett Marcel has changed “Crockett Marcel”’s username to “crickett”]

[crickett has added “HUBBY” to the chat]

HUBBY: Hi this is Ethan Crockett made my username and I don’t know how to change it

J. Lanik: I can change it in the chat for you I have admin privileges

crickett: no fun

HUBBY: Please change my username

[J. Lanik has changed “HUBBY”’s username to “Ethan Choi”]

crickett: how come u have all the power

J. Lanik: Because I’m an adult.

FreeWilly: who acts like a five year old lmao

J. Lanik: YOU KNEW I WAS SAVING THAT SORBET FOR FRIDAY NIGHT AS A TREAT FOR MYSELF

crickett: no need to yell

[crickett has sent an image to the chat]

FreeWilly: WHAT THE FUCK CROCKETT

J. Lanik: HOLY SHIT

[Maggie<3 has left the chat]

[crickett has deleted a message from the chat]

crickett: sorry babes i meant to send that to @EthanChoi

Ethan Choi: I’m breaking up with you

[J. Lanik has added “Maggie<3” to the chat]

Ethan Choi: You’re safe now, Maggie

Lesbian’s Wife: hey google how do i bleach my brain

Lesbian: Seconded

Maggie<3: Remind me which one of you is which

Lesbian: I’m Ava

FreeWilly: I remember cos Sarah never shuts up about being Ava’s wife

Lesbian’s Wife: I’m Ava’s wife <3

[J. Lanik has changed “Lesbian”’s username to “Bekker”]

[J. Lanik has changed “Lesbian’s Wife”’s username to “Other Bekker”]

crickett: not that i dont love and support dr bekker but this is the ed chat 

crickett: since u wont let me name it the sexy bitches chat

J. Lanik: She’s married to Sarah and cardiology is always down here.

J. Lanik: WAIT

[J. Lanik has added “connor” to the chat]

[J. Lanik has added “MommyPower” to the chat]

Maggie<3: I love you, Nat, but please change your username

crickett: give me admin power

[MommyPower has changed “MommyPower”’s username to “Nat”]

Nat: I’m in a mom chat leave me alone

Maggie<3: How’s Owen btw

crickett: @J.Lanik give me admin give me admin

Ethan Choi: do not give him admin I’m begging you

[J. Lanik has promoted “Ethan Choi” to administrator]

[Ethan Choi has changed “J. Lanik”’s username to “BooBoo the Fool”]

Nat: Owen is great thanks for asking! He just started soccer.

[Ethan Choi has removed “BooBoo the Fool” from the chat]

Ethan Choi: YOU FOOL

Ethan Choi: I HAVE ACCESS TO ETHAN’S PHONE

Ethan Choi: AND HE IS EASILY DISTRACTIBLE!

crickett: He locked himself in the bathroom with my phone. But now I have his

Ethan Choi: WAIT NO I HAVE PRIVATE STUFF THERE

Maggie<3: More private than your dick pics?

Connor: his WHAT

[Ethan Choi has added “BooBoo the Fool” to the chat.]

[BooBoo the Fool has changed “BooBoo the Fool”’s username to “Lanik”]

[Lanik has demoted “Ethan Choi” from administrator]

Lanik: This close to removing you from the chat, Marcel.

crickett: u love me too much

Bekker: Crockett sent us all his dick earlier @connor

crickett: NOT ON PURPOSE

connor: ...is it a good dick

crickett: i mean yeah? i hope so 

Ethan Choi: I’d like to stop talking about my husband’s dick please

Ethan Choi: (but for the record @connor it is a good dick)

Other Bekker: can we not talk abt his dick

Other Bekker: not unless i can talk about the strap but lanik said thats not allowed

Bekker: So he can send nudes but Sarah can’t talk about our new strap?

[Lanik has added “Dr. Charles” to the chat]

Lanik: Will this make you all calm down?

Dr. Charles: I don’t want to be involved here.

[Dr. Charles has left the chat]

Other Bekker: DAD

connor: lmao daddy issues

Bekker: @connor is this the hill you wanna die on?

[connor has deleted a message from the chat]

FreeWilly: can we all calm down lol

crickett: no. @connor dm if you wanna see my dick

Ethan Choi: …

crickett: i was kidding!!

crickett: haha unless……..

Lanik: Please do not plan threesomes in the work groupchat.

April: @Lanik bitter because you weren’t invited

crickett: OOOOOH burn

Ethan Choi: Does @no-ah have us on mute

April: yes

crickett: I’ll dm him some booty pics

Ethan Choi: Do not dm him booty pics

crickett: doing so is a public service

FreeWilly: to be fair Ethan he does get naked anywhere and everywhere

Nat: Including my birthday party >:(

crickett: in my defense u and april and sarah were also naked

Other Bekker: i remember that lmao

Lanik: This is a work chat.

FreeWilly: we should have a nude exchange

[Lanik has removed “FreeWilly” from the chat]

crickett: ooooh drama. are yall gonna break up

[Lanik has muted “crickett”]

Maggie<3: It’s so… quiet

Ethan Choi: Please unmute him he’s whiny

[Lanik has unmuted “crickett”]

connor: anyways 

connor: who wants to talk about their trauma

Bekker: @connor Like when you accused me of murder

Other Bekker: when i was a kid my mom really hated me and ive never really felt loved and maybe thats why im in a constant state of loneliness and being unfulfilled and even though im the happiest ive ever been i constantly feel like im on the edge of a cliff and at any moment im gonna fall over the edge and die

connor: that was loaded

Other Bekker: you asked

Maggie<3: I was traumatized by seeing Crockett’s penis

connor: lucky :(

Lanik: Jeez kids can you lighten up a little

Nat: HE KNOWS MEMES HE KNOWS MEMES

crickett: WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN HIDING THIS JIMOTHY

Lanik: Don’t call me Jimothy.

Ethan Choi: @connor why are you thirsty

[Lanik has added “FreeWilly” to the chat]

Lanik: It’s worse without you

FreeWilly: that may be the nicest thing youve ever said to me…

crickett: hey baby

crickett: baby

crickett: baby

crickett: baby

Nat: Use dm

crickett: baby

crickett: baby

Ethan Choi: What

crickett: since ur going to the hospital tonight can u pick up my meds uwu <3

Ethan Choi: Only if you promise to never say uwu again

[Other Bekker has renamed the chat “uwu”]

Nat: uwu

connor: uwu

Other Bekker: uwu

Bekker: uwu

April: uwu

Maggie<3: uwu

FreeWilly: uwu

Crickett: OWO

Ethan Choi: I want a divorce

[Lanik has renamed the chat “SHUT THE FUCK UP MARCEL”]

connor: lanik snapped

FreeWilly: hot

connor: WAIT CROCKETT DID YOU DO THAT ON PURPOSE

crickett: ;)

Bekker: What did he do

connor: i saw the dick pick. @EthanChoi you were right its nice

Lanik: Please stop planning threesomes in the chat

Ethan Choi: @connor I’ll set up a private chat

connor: yesyesyesyesyes

Nat: I wish I could get laid this easily…

April: You can

Maggie<3: I’m with @Lanik can you guys not be horny in this chat

Other Bekker: my two modes are horny and depressed

Bekker: Actually you have a third- hungry

Other Bekker: fair

No-ah: This is why I have the chat muted

[No-ah has left the chat]

[Lanik has added “Queen Elsa” to the chat]

Bekker: Rounding out the lesbianism I see

Queen Elsa: Is this even a chat I want to be in?

Ethan Choi: No

Maggie<3: No

crickett: yes

Other Bekker: to summarize: crockett sent a dickpic on accident and connor was disappointed he didnt see it and now hes gonna sleep with ethan and crockett and also i think nat and april are gonna get laid and also in case you didnt know yet will and jimmy are dating

Other Bekker: AND @Bekker IS MY WIFE!

Maggie<3: There it is

Lanik: Hi, Ms. Curry. This is the groupchat for the ED and I trust that you’ll treat this respectfully unlike some of the other doctors have been

Queen Elsa: Did you just call me a doctor?

crickett: do not listen to him this chat is all fun and games and dickpics

Queen Elsa: If that last part is true, I’m leaving the chat.

crickett: it only happened once and it was an accident

[Other Bekker has sent an image]

Other Bekker: look at my wife look at my wife look at my wife

FreeWilly: @April @Nat are you guys still here

Maggie<3: It looks like they both have us on mute

crickett: good for them,, we been knew they were in love

Ethan Choi: Please act like a person

crickett: bold of u to assume im a person

[connor has renamed the chat “tinder for lonely gay doctors and nurses”]

Other Bekker: DOES THIS MEAN WE CAN HELP ELSA GET A GIRLFRIEND

Queen Elsa: I have one.

Other Bekker: omg omg omg spill

Lanik: I feel like none of you are taking this seriously.

[Lanik has promoted “Maggie<3” to administrator]

Lanik: Never let it be said that I did not try.

[Maggie<3 has changed “Lanik”’s username to”BooBoo the Fool”]

[BooBoo the Fool has left the chat]

#chicago med #chicago med fic #one chicago #mine #fic #medgroupchat

[chapitre7]

Alexandria Chapter VII (End)

The Untamed [陈情令] | Mo Dao Zu Shi [魔道祖师] fanfiction

Lan Zhan | Lan Wangji/Wei Yīng | Wei Wuxian (Wangxian)

Time Travel/Sci-Fi AU

Chapter I | Chapter II | Chapter III | Chapter IV | Chapter V | Chapter VI

Read on AO3

“Make sure to tell uncle that the academics at the Observatory find my ideas ingenious and that they’re all glad to have me.”

 “Mn.”

 “Tell him that they’ve said I have a natural talent for engineering and that they’re including me in a project before my studies are even over!”

 “Mn.”

 “We’re going to build our own little envoy to travel across space, Lan Zhan! Can you believe that?”

 Lan Zhan looks up from his pad at that, lips kissing Wei Ying’s temple before his head lies on Lan Zhan’s shoulder, its natural place.

 “Congratulations, Wei Ying.”

 Wei Ying turns his attention from own pad to beam up at Lan Zhan, pecking him on the lips before kicking the blanket off his feet, jumping down from the couch to hop towards the window. He lets his eyes travel across the brilliant night sky of Qishan, losing himself in questions. What was out there, beyond what his eyes could see? He had already learned so much at the Observatory, but he wanted to know more, see more. What manners of life were out there? What sort of colors, what sort of surfaces, what mountains and rivers, what flowers and sounds? Would he be able to see the birth of a star? He had been such a fool. He thought the world had an end and that he had reached it, but he had just stopped asking questions.

Shifting his attention, Wei Ying focuses on the reflection on the glass. Lan Zhan sits on the couch, typing a letter to his uncle that is both formal and personal, speaking of his achievements and his contentment. His feet are propped up on a low table, a minimal step toward foregoing propriety. His hair is still damp, messy after he himself ran his fingers through it, in all the little ways Wei Ying thinks him rebellious, unrestrained, comfortable in his own skin. He’s nothing like Wei Ying, who can’t keep his whole body on the couch at all times, always dangling sideways, one way or another, clinging or draping across Lan Zhan, shamelessly. His own reflection shows a young man, hair slightly longer than the norm, clad in cotton red robes that are both appropriate and reminiscent of a different Wei Ying. He smiles at himself, finger touching the glass, and in the space that he and Lan Zhan created for themselves, seemingly such a long, long time ago, before everything, before the ice and Wei Ying’s travels, out of order in the order of the universe but right in all the chronology of his heart, in the trusted intimacy between cultivator and his own confidante, Wei Ying allows himself to reminisce.

 “Lan Zhan,” he asks, eyes going out of focus entirely. “Do you still marry in red?”

 He doesn’t see Lan Zhan stopping his administrations on the pad, doesn’t notice him looking up at him with wide eyes.

 “You know, the last event I took part in Yunmeng was my sister’s wedding. I wasn’t entirely happy because it meant she was leaving, and that was actually what made me think about leaving too, but... Anyway, it was beautiful, you know? There was never a more beautiful event in Yunmeng, and there was never a more beautiful bride than my sister, wearing red and gold and the happiest smile I ever saw on her.”

 He looks up again, at the once called Nightless City, still as stunning as it once was, with the Observatory sitting at the highest spot on the land, aiming up, always looking up, at the boundless infinity.

 “I have so many memories of sister. She practically raised me because uncle Jiang and the Madame were... they had a sect to run and a son to train, and she wasn’t there when I left, so my last memory of her is the wedding and her following departure. She talked about the future like it was this amazing thing, and how no matter how far we were, she, Jiang Cheng and I would always be the closest we could be. And it... slipped my mind after a while.”

 Lan Zhan wraps an arm around his middle, gently pulls him back, against him, but says nothing to break his train of thought.

 “Jiang Cheng was so angry that I wanted to leave Yunmeng, and everybody looked so disappointed that—... I traveled until I didn’t know what I was looking for anymore, and I didn’t think I had anywhere to return to. But once I jumped into the water, I knew I had made a mistake, and I wanted to go back, but it was too late. I remember now, that my last thought was that they’d be disappointed in me in they knew. Even sister.”

 Lan Zhan speaks his name with indescribable emotion, low enough only for Wei Ying to hear, right next to his ear, his hold tightening, grounding him once again in the present they shared. Wei Ying looks up again, not at anything in particular, not at the constellations or the strokes of colors in the clouds; hr just rests his head back against Lan Zhan’s shoulders, hand rising to the glass on the window, ready to draw a new pattern, away from those last moments in dark waters.

 “Lan Zhan, nowadays, I keep seeing things that would make sister happy. All the homes of the sects that we learned and knew have changed drastically with the times, but children are still curious of all the things we have yet to see. There’s as much white as there is black in the world, as there will always be, and there are so many beautiful things in the middle, where we walk.” He laughs, turning in Lan Zhan’s half-embrace, resting his hands on shoulders that carry so much on them. “Am I making any sense? I’m rambling again.”

 Wei Ying doesn’t see the sheet on Lan Zhan’s other hand until he’s thrown it over him, hooding over his head, trailing down his back, all the way to the floor. Lan Zhan’s skin glows with the dim lights of the living room, so reminiscent of their late nights at the facility that Wei Ying doesn’t question it, embraces it, like he sees him covered in the night, illuminated by campfire, like they’re the wandering cultivation partners of his silliest reveries. Lan Zhan adjusts the sheet over him, so it doesn’t fall off, and Wei Ying, blushing bright like it’s the first time Lan Zhan has doted on him, such clear affection in every gesture, can only stare back at him with wide eyes.

 “Wei Ying,” he begins, adjusting Wei Ying’s hair under the sheet. “I’ll go to Yunmeng with you.”

 Wei Ying gapes like a fish out of water, like the many holograms at the Gusu hall.

 “We can find someplace where you can send your respects to your family and you can say everything you want to tell them.”

 “We can do that?”

 Lan Zhan tilts his head in a way that tells him he’s being silly again, and Wei Ying follows with a breathless laughter.

 “I mean, of course we can, I just...”

 Lan Zhan fills his ellipses with a kiss on his forehead, and Wei Ying inhales deeply, exhaling his worries and insecurities.

 “There’s nothing to be afraid of anymore. They’ll be proud of who you are. I am...” His ears are red, Wei Ying can see them, just like he notices the biting on his lower lip, and the slight trembling of his hands. “Honored that I had a chance to know you, honored to be with you now, like this.”

 “Lan Zhan!”

 Wei Ying lounges at him, and the sheet almost slips off, but Lan Zhan catches him, pats the sheet back over Wei Ying’s hair as he mumbles against his chest.

 “You can’t just say things like that! I’m an old man, Lan Zhan, think of my poor heart!”

 He hears and feels the vibrations of Lan Zhan’s chuckle and he’s warm, so warm on that autumn night with a makeshift veil over his frame.

 “Let’s go to Yunmeng, Wei Ying.”

 He nods, humming his response like Lan Zhan often does.

 “What will it look like at this time of the year?”

 Wei Ying hums again. “It’s prettier in the summer.”

 Lan Zhan leans down slightly, he’s not too much taller, but he leans down just to whisper against Wei Ying’s ear.

 “And in the summer, would you like to marry in red?”

 Wei Ying can hear nothing but the loud beating of his heart after that, as he pulls away to look at his companion, his patient teacher and friend, his partner and beloved. I never even told him how much I love him, Wei Ying thinks, and the thought is all it takes before he’s pulling him down and kissing his lips, savoring his taste and his breath when they part, guiding him back to the couch where he doesn’t have to worry about staying upright anymore, not when his legs are weak, too weak to carry the weight of all that he feels and all that he thinks about him, them, and their future. He tells him in-between kisses, in-between laughs and uncontrollable noises, he tells his betrothed, as he pulls down the red robe of their promise, he tells him that he loves him, that he loved him in Gusu, that he loves him in Qishan, and that he loved him worlds away, before everything. And after they’re undone in each other’s arms, he tells him he’ll love him still when they’re old, old together despite the gap in time, and if he can meet him in the yet distant future, nothing can keep him from loving him again, a thousand years from now.

 Lan Zhan, a man of science, a man of culture and written words, does not question him. He’s a romantic in heart and soul, so he can only promise the same in return.

 Outside, Qishan never sleeps, as it never slept, and never will.

 ***

 The troupe comes every year, during the summer, and the city is bright with every the color of every flower that exists, the streets alive with festivities and music.

 The celebrations peak at night, when the band marches through the city of Yunmeng, playing songs that have survived generations, and that have yet to suffer from the indifference of the population. The elderly clap along to the tunes side by side with the children, and the adults and the teenagers take videos and pictures and share the elaborated dances with all of the world, everybody joining in the cheer.

 This year, there’s a man playing the dizi leading the troupe along, following or introducing every new melody as if he doesn’t even breathe. His red veil waves back and forth with the movements of his feet, secured in place, never faltering, and when he swirls, mesmerizing, he looks like he’s underwater, the soft fabric of his wedding garment swaying with grace, the golden jewelry in his hair tingling, complementing the music. He’s a sight never before seen, and the crowd loves him, throws flowers at his feet, wave at him from everywhere.

 His sharp, trained eyes never strays from the man in red that accompanies the troupe by the sidelines, in front of the crowd of Yunmeng citizens, and he winks at him, plays for him, dances, celebrates, loves him with everything that he is and does. Every now and then, Wei Ying thinks he sees a familiar face in the crowd. Jiang Cheng, rolling his eyes at his parade. Jiang Yanli, eyes sparkling with a baby in her arms. Wen Qing and Wen Ning, one exasperated and the other fascinated, enjoying the evening before going back to Yiling; he can’t accompany them, not anymore. He sees them all, old companions, old friends and family, and thinks about how lost he had to be to think he was ever alone. He twirls the black dizi Lan Zhan gave him in skilled fingers and plays a different song, the band promptly joining him, a song to scare the shadows away, a song to cleanse the soul, a song for joy. And no one but he can see how there are real shadows shying away from the crowd, vanishing into the night, resentment failing before the brilliance of his core.

 Out the corner of his eyes, he sees a small child, not older than six, peering up at him while adults carelessly shove him around with their legs. Wei Ying stops playing, heads in his direction, while the band marches on.

 “Hey there,” Wei Ying speaks loudly, over the music. “Do you like the dizi?”

 The boy nods, eyes big and round, taking in Wei Ying’s whole outfit. He’s red like fire, like passion, like the most beautiful flowers and the scorching dusk in the summer. He’s like everything that burns, but his touch is gentle, petting the boy’s head.

 “Where are your parents?”

 The boy’s eyes grow even bigger as he shakes his head and says nothing. Wei Ying can see his reflection on them, can see a child, lost in time, before a man, gentle and vibrant like a lotus flower, offering him a hand.

 “What’s your name?”

 “A... A-Yuan.”

 Wei Ying grins, happy and wide, because it’s his wedding night, and he offers the child his hand. He learned from Lan Zhan that time often repeats itself, in both the good and the bad, and it depends only on us which of the two sides prevails in the end.

 “Do you want to learn how to play the dizi, A-Yuan? We can hunt ghosts together!”

 A-Yuan blinks his eyes at him in obvious wonder. Wei Ying bites down a laughter, because he doesn’t want the child to think he’s joking in anything he’s offering.

 “We can hunt ghosts with a dizi?”

 “We sure can! And my husband can use the guqin, but he’s still pretty bad at it, so if you’re a really good student, you can be better than him!”

 Someone clears their throat and Wei Ying laughs before he peers up at his husband.

 “Lan Zhan! I’m not even lying!”

 “My teacher says I’m a model student.”

 “I’m your teacher too and I refute that claim!”

 “Only one of you has actually taught how to properly play a song from start to finish without straying from the sheet music.”

 “It’s called playing with your heart, Lan Zhan, and it has to be felt and not taught.”

 A-Yuan looks between the two men with wonder. The one crouched before him is beautiful with his veil but the other standing is beautiful as well, the golden embroidery on his clothes shining in the night. The child is used to adults yelling at him for stealing food, wholly unaccustomed to the playful banter between the adults, and smiles they don’t spare to each other or even to him.

 “What do you say, A-Yuan? Do you want to come with us?”

 He focuses on the man before him again, on his out-stretched hand and the tassel of the dizi that swishes around as if the man never stopped moving.

 So he takes the hand of the flutist, who swiftly picks him up in his arms. He squeaks and the man can only laugh, but it’s not mean, it’s warm, warm like the red he wears and that brightens up the whole of Yunmeng. The other man asks A-Yuan if he’s hungry, and he nods enthusiastically, making him smile a golden smile that makes A-Yuan shy, hiding his face away on the veiled stranger’s shoulder.

 “See, Lan Zhan? I keep telling you your smiles are too much to handle. Don’t worry, A-Yuan, you’ll have time to get used to how wonderful Lan Zhan is. He’s gonna pamper you rotten.”

 Wei Ying has never had a disciple. He’s never had much of a legacy, since he quit the Yunmeng Jiang sect and got frozen in ice before the world discovered that he was the most talented cultivator of his generation. But now he has Lan Zhan, and his promise of eternal companionship. He has young alumni from Gusu Facility running and laughing behind the troupe, celebrating their senior’s wedding, who look up at both him and Lan Zhan with stars in their eyes. He has research partners, he has a dream, and looking up at the sky of Yunmeng, he tells his family about the new family he’s found himself.

 He feels Lan Zhan’s hand rest on the middle of his back, in lieu of taking his hands, now full of A-Yuan. His husband looks exasperated and tired and happy, all at once, his eyes small and shining. Wei Ying gives him a wink, flashes an apologetic smile, but laughs despite himself, causing A-Yuan to shift in his arms to look at him.

 “Mister, are you going to play more?”

 “My disciple wants more? Okay, one more song, then we’re going to rest for the night!”

 Wei Ying sets A-Yuan down, and Lan Zhan instantly takes the child’s hand. They both look at Wei Ying as the spins his song, a song of Gusu, a song of peace, that harmonizes with the spirits of the living and the dead, sending all souls into peace and tranquility.

 That night, A-Yuan sleeps in the room of an equally beautiful mister called Xichen, who seems to think all things are funny. Wei Ying apologizes to his husband for his impulsive decision but Lan Zhan doesn’t even sigh, as he usually does, when Wei Ying acts impossible. He just lifts the veil, steals the words right out of Wei Ying’s throat, and loves him, whispering in Wei Ying’s ancient tongue, always meeting him where he is, crashing on him with the weight of the winds of the Cloud Recesses, where now sits the place where Wei Ying was reborn from ice, and Lan Zhan from fire.

 They’re warriors, both of them. Their names and tales already engraved in history, in libraries all over the land.

***

I'd like to thank everyone who stayed with me this far, for reading and leaving me messages and filling my heart. I'm not as good at replying to comments as I once was; I'm still getting used to how things are when I'm inspired and writing and having people following me. It's been long. This isn't my first Untamed story, I still have lingering WIPs from September, but it's the first that made me stop everything that I was doing and share as quick as possible because I was feeling it so much. I was (and really, still am) struggling with characterization, so thank you for the patience, and thank you for understanding where I wanted to take this. Beneath all of the soft touches lies a delicate matter in this fic that I may not have portrayed as best as one should, but I hope the message that stays is this: you're never really alone and we must always allow others to reach us. We can heal. We can move. And we are worthy of love.

Thank you for everything, and may we see each other again.

Happy new year. ❤

- Lily M.

#The Untamed #Mo Dao Zu Shi #fanfiction #Wangxian #Lan Wangji #Wei Wuxian #Alternate Universe: Science-fiction #alternate universe: time travel

[ellus986]

Always knew you / chapter seven

Joe Mazzello x reader

Warning: swearing, suprises every where.

Comment: Y/N is corrently 22, while Joe is 35.

Summary: you knew Joe all of your life, and as best friends you two always find the way back to each other.

Your heart was beating in your stomach. You felt like the whole world is turning around you right now. You were waiting for Joe to come home from his meeting. You already finished cooking, you were just waiting for the door to open. When it does you almost collapse.

You are about to put the plates down when he hugs you from behind and kisses your neck. “Hi” he says, hiding his head into your hair.

“Good afternoon, Babe!” You nod.

“You were waiting for me with food? You want to spoil me?” He giggles, and you can feel his breath on your nape. When he want to sit down there is a box on the chair. “What is it?” His eyebrows are raising high.

“Open it!” your voice is shaky, and don’t speak about your hands. He is still looking at you instead of the box. “Come on! Open it!”

“My birthday will be months later!” He wishpers.

“Yeah, I know.” You nod, with a half smile on your face. When he opens it you see him freezing for a second, than looking up at you with a big smile.

“It is meaning that...?” He can’t even finish his sentence.

“That you are going to be a father!” You nod.

He gets you into his arms and gyrate with you around between the bed and the table. He kisses you as he puts you down. “You made me the happiest” he wishpers.

“So I didn’t ruin your life?” You wishper back.

“That I did not had any children before, does not mean I did not wanted to have!” He starts. “I just didn’t had the balls to get closer to you before!”

“And another women?” You ask.

“Maybe before you turned 18 I could imagine my life with someone else, but after that drunk night, noone was good enough!” He wishpers.

“You remember?” Suprise runs trought your body.

“You do?” He asks back. “You were fucked up as hell, and you said you not really remembering!”

“Yeah didn’t remember a lot, but our kiss. That is a memory!” You nod.

“You didn’t told me you remember?” He kisses you quick, and stars at you.

“You neither!” You laugh. “You would have saved 4 years for yourself!”

“What?” His voice get higher.

“You think you are the only one who saw the dates compered to someone? Someone next to me right now...” you giggle.

“What?” His voice is still high, and the look on his face is priseless.

“Noone was good enough, because they weren’t Joseph Francis Mazzello III.” You say.

“You love to say my full name.” He smirks.

“I love to say your full name.” You nod.

“So if we are having a boy, we name him Joseph Francis Mazzello IV.?” He asks with a big smile.

“Maybe” you kiss him on the cheek.

He puts down the box with the most adorable smile on his face, you ever seen, to sit down, and eat.

After dinner you are just lieing in bed cuddleing, with his hand on your stomach. His face is just the brightest you seen in your life, and you feel the same.

“I love you” he wishpers it into your ear for the first time.

“I love you too” you wishper it back with closed eyes.

____________________________________________

The last two weeks were wonderfull. Joe always tried to make you happier than you already were, even sometimes it looked impossible, he did it. Everynight he kept his hand on your stomach even there was still no seeable bump yet, he was just so obsessed with you being pregnant, and looked the happiest. You just get out of the 7th week meeting at the doctor, holding your first ultrasound picture. Joe’s eyes are still tearful, when you get into the car.

“Are you ready for the sleepover?” You ask.

“To finally tell my family? Couldn’t wait more!” He nods.

“I love you!” You wishper as he starts the car.

I love you too Silly!”

____________________________________________

The kids are playing video games, and everyone is snacking in the living room, when you look at Joe with a question on your face. He nods and your heart start to race again. Joe cough, and everyone is looking at him as he stands up. Your mom thinks you two want to tell everyone in person too, that you are a couple now. As you walk next to him, only the kids don’t watch you.

“So we want to tell you something” Joe starts, and even some of the kids are turning to you.

“We know you are together!” Shots John between.

“We knew the moms will tell everyone, but we are having some another news.” He nods, as he hugs you from behind putting the ultrasound picture just over your belly. “Next year will be an another Mazzello at the sleepover” he says, and everyone is looking with shook on they face.

“You kidding” Mary is the first to say something.

“No we are not!” You shake your head.

“Y/N, it is a bad joke!” Says your mom.

“Still not joking!” You shake your head smiling.

“Joe! This is not a joke material!” Says Ginnie.

“Mom, we are not joking!” Joe kisses the back of your head and you can feel his smile.

Still everyone is looking at you like they don’t believe you, until your niece Emma runs to you. “Antie Y/N, are you really having a baby in your belly? Like mom had Noah in hers?”

“Yes, exaclty! You will be an antie, isn’t it exciting?” You answer, and all of your family runs to you to hug you and Joe, when they finally get that you didn’t joked around.

After everyone cooled down, you sit on the floor in Joe’s lap who is playing with your hair. “Something never changes” laughs your mother. As Joe realise what she is meaning, he start to braid your hair. It looks teribble everyone is laughing on how much he forget to do it.

“Maybe I need to learn again” he smirks. “I mean one from the six just will be a girl” you almost choke on your lemonade.

“With who you want to have six children?” You ask turning your head in his way.

“With you!” He pokes you.

“You’re not Deacy to have six children!” You say, before you turn to your family. “We are not having six children”

“Yes we will” he wishpers and his mom can’t help but laugh.

“No we won’t!” You look up in the ceiling. “Let’s have one first!”

After dinner the kids start to get ready for bed, and you feel tired too. Just as when you were 3 you and Joe get the inflatable mattress in the living room, next to Emma’s new one, who is following Joe like a shadow since he suprised her with a niece or nephew. It gets cuter when she just falls asleep next to his leg. You look up to your mother. “I did this too?”

“You two perfectly looked like this most of the time.” She laughs.

“And I haven’t aged a day since!” Joe says.

Your brother comes and take your niece to her own place. And you get closer to Joe. He is grabing you into his arms, and put one hand on your belly. You see your mom -who is get the sofa bed with your dad- melting, as do you too. You love how much he is over the moon about your child. All the kids are asleep only the adults are awake. The conversations are flying between all of you, it is really like it was before. You feel Joe getting tense, and you know he is missing one person from the crowd. You turn to him, to see his tearful eyes, you kiss him to give some comfort. You slick his cheek and turn back to the family talk. You can’t get out anyones face, so you are the only one who had seen Joe’s tears in the dark.

“I tried to count but if you are 7 weeks now, even I don’t mind the first 2 weeks, it is still 5 weeks, but as far I know you are together 3 weeks now. How this is works?” Asks your brother, and you blush while everyone is looking at you two.

“Does it matter?” Asks your mother trying to save you.

“Yes, because if Joe hurts my sister, I will kill him!” Comes Tom’s answer.

“I would never hurt her!” Comes Joe’s answer more quicker than you thought. “She is everything I needed in my life, so believe me I will never hurt her, maybe annoy her, but would never want to see her suffering.” He kisses the back of your head, and now your eyes are fulled with tears. “She won’t ever get rid of me”

“Good! Don’t forget I’m watching you!” Says your brother and everyone is start to laugh.

The conversation goes again, but you feel like you can’t keep your eyes open, so you just lie down, and hug Joe’s legs, who is still sitting with his back to the wall. You fall asleep while Joe is playing with your hair.

Ofcourse you are the first to wake up with morning sickness. Even who the hell named it morning sickness if it is all day with you? Joe moans, and you just tap his chest to tell him he can sleep. After you huged the toilet for a massive half an hour, you get up and wash your mouth. You just sit down in the kitchen with your lemonade when your mom comes in.

“Good morning honey!” She looks at you with a tired smile.

“How long have you been up?” You ask.

“Too long!” She nods. “Thank you!” She kisses your cheek when she finds fresh coffee in the coffeemachine.

“Don’t hate me...”

“Mom! What did you do?” You cut in.

“Just needed to make a picture relax!” She get first a picture down from the fridge and then get her phone out. “Don’t tell me this two doesn’t look the same.” She laughs, your yawn drops. You start at a photo of you sleeping on Joe’s lap 19 years ago, and next to it the one you sleep exactly the same just hours ago. “As I said something never changes” she kisses you when she sits next to you. You hear Joe turning around and around so you get up make him a coffee and wake him up, before his dream gets worse.

“Babe!” You say while slick his face. “Wake up, I get you coffee!” You wishper with a little smile on your face. His head fracture on the pillow again, so you shake his shoulder and when he wakes up he is out of breath. “Come here” you say and hug him, to help him calm down. When his heart is beating normally again you give him his coffee, and kiss him on the cheek.

“Thank you, Babe!” He hides his head in your neck and you know he did not thanked the coffee more the wake up before his dream got way worse.

You go back to your mother, and she is looking at you with shining eyes. “What?” You ask.

“You knew?” She asks.

“What?” You ask again.

“That he had a bad dream!”

“Yes...” you nod.

“How?” She asks, with pride in her eyes.

“He started to turn too often, and mostly he gets bad dreams when he is alone in the bed.” You wishper.

“He has a lot?” She asks.

“No, since he is living with me there was 4 of them, but just one was bad, the others were just like this one.” You answer.

“I remember the first one he had after he ended shooting pacific, it was frightful, him screaming in the middle of the night.” She wishpers.

“Yeah, there is no more like that, atleast he had none since he is living with me...” you stop because Joe is coming in your way.

“Morning Lilly! What are you ladies speak about?” He asks, and you get the photo on the table.

“That I just slept on you like 19 ago.” You show him the picture and his face is softening.

“See? I haven’t aged since!” He says with a smirk on his face and you need to laugh.

“No, you just get sexier!” You nod.

Your mom turned on the radio quietly, so everyone started to wake up to it. The two of you start to make the toasts and Joe is serving them. After everyone got they breakfast Emma grabs Joe’s hand and ask him to braid her hair. He looks at you, and you go with him to help him. When it is finished your niece looks up at you and Joe with bright eyes, she says thank you before she runs to play some video game.

To be continued...

@spacedust1124719 @mrsmazzello @mazzello-lee-jones-malek

#joseph mazzello #joe mazzello #joe mazzello fan fiction #joe mazzello fanfic #joe mazzello x reader #joseph francis mazzello iii #bohrap fanfiction #bohrap #bohrap fanfic #bohrhap

[prettyravergirl]

i know my blog is dead...

But i like typing into this void. Feels like beginning facebook old myspace. Almost journaly not having to edit your words B is still a bitch. She was for a long time and i gave her so many passes. Guy who raped me tagged her in things, cause friends. Shes a shitty person. I ignored it for a long time. Cant deny it anymore. Other news. Happiest ive ever been. So comfortable. So safe. This relationship is so many steps above everything. We talk every problem out and have had fights but they never seem bad. We love being around each other. I dont feel diminished doing the housewife thing tilm i can go to school cause he appreciates it so much. We have talks about how were approaching parenting together. I get to gloat cause this is my void. I told him we were made for each other when we were 20, we just had to get in more adult places. He even was like..... I think i could accept a kid. Hes been calling him dad and i wont point it out. Not sure if hed ready for that. He doesnt call him clayton. Its hey or dah.

[deffinitelynobody]

I have depression and i am going to ruin everyones day

Okay, so, a couple of weeks ago I wrote about how I was having some very bad suicidal thoughts and that I was scared about how much I just wanted to do it. In that post, i said that i’ll write about why i was feeling that way and such. so here it is. (note; this how i feel about the situation, it may not be entirely true)

i dont have a job. i havent had one in almost a year and a half at this point, and only 3 months at that. my parents have let me live with them since i graduated highschool, which i am grateful for. but, my dad holds onto his dads view on things: people in the house who make money are in charge, and the people who dont are subserviant to them. so, i end up being talk to in a way that seems to amount to “shut up, i make money, you dont”. which means that he ends up using his dads parenting technique of talking to your kids when they mess up: make them feel like shit, hate themselves, and doubt their worth as a human being. (his dad is worst, and he’s openingly said that he hated how his dad talked to him) unsurprisingly, this is not a good combination. combine this with the state of politics (which my dad has a much higher tolerance for than anyone else in my family), and that two people on my mom’s side have depression (one was my uncle, who DID kill himself, the other is her), and you can see why i have been feeling like absolute shit for the last month.

“well why not get a job” your probably saying. like i said, i had one. and that was the other time in my life that i had suicidal thoughts. not only that, i almost killed myself during that time! i was walking by the road, and this giant truck was moving, and i was just....not there, like if you talked to me, i’d just kinda give very automated responses, and i was just doing the things that popped into my head, and that was one of them (I will be eternally greatful to @kaiserofphyrexia for stopping me when he saw me trying to). thankfully, i lost that job shortly after that, and man let me tell you, it is one of the scariest things ever thinking about going back. the stress of constantly fearing making even the tiniest mistake just ate at me every minute of every day i was there. combine this with the managers were just awful human beings (they expected two people to do the same amount of work as 6 people and screwed us up several times just to make more money), and yeah, i just lost all interest in everything and anything. like, NOTHING helped me feel better. i hated everything cause my life just began to center around going back to work, which made me feel horrible, and i did it so often, and my schedule was completely random each and every week that i couldn’t plan to do anything. the managers didnt like it when you tried to request a day off, and you couldn’t say that your unavailable on a day, so unless i lied and said that it was for religious purposes, i didnt have any reliable day to relax and do the things that help me feel better. so when they told me that they were letting me go (one of them didnt like me to much), i was shocked, but also so releaved. it felt like a massive weight was lifted (cliched, i know) and i felt so much better.

and then the job search to find the next one like it began. and i was so scared to go back. i almost killed myself (or at least, severely injure myself), and from what i understand they were actually pretty tame compared to some of the managers out there, and the work itself didnt bug me too much, just the amount. so i just cant get my self to go back, which is why i asked my parents to help me find a job. my mom cant help to much, so it fell to my dad, and he said “you an adult, you dont NEED help. just go do it” oh yeah, silly me, i forgot that when you turn 18, all your emotions die and you become impervious to negative emotions. how could i forget!

not to mention that, with the amount of times i forget things and mess up. I cant tell you how many times i have to retypes words cause i misspell them (the grammar issues are just the tip of the iceberg). And i keep forgeting how to spell words! for several days this week, i forgot how to spell “choice” (i kept spelling chose). I cant even tell some coins apart (pennies and quarter and thats it), i i’m supposed to adult. i cant talk to my parents about this, cause whenever i’ve talked to my dad about these things, he makes me feel even worse than before. e always demands an explaination from me for why i do somethings, but i dont always have a reason. sometimes i just feel the need to do something or something to be done a certain way for no reason. and i usually realize that i was being an asshat (mentally chastising myself like how my dad does) and feel terrible, and will want to apologize for it. but my dad doesn’t like that and makes me furious beyond words and i just close off from everyone and dont apologize and feel even worse. i have a hard time letting go of things, so this shit just festers and i feel crumby for hours. (theres also the fact that he consistantly quotes “do or do not; there is no try” to me and my brother when asks us to do things, which is why i kinda blew up at a friend when they quoted it to me)

and i just dont feel competent in any way possible, and i need to do something that i could mess up on catastrophically on that could ruin my entire life. and these feelings would be exaggerated.

i began to have these thoughts and feelings when i started thinking on my whole situation, and just....idk. i need help to get job (im still terrified to do so at all), and my dad is one of the people in my life who can help me the most, but he wont cause im an adult, and i need to get him to just help me and respect me, which requires a job, which i need help getting, and he wont help me and respect cause im an adult and [repeat agnosium]. the scariest part to me was the fact there was only to options out, and it was the first time that suicide felt like a very valid option in my life. but i cant put my family through that. again. remember when i said that i had an uncle with depression? yeah, it got him.....almost 6 years ago? that was just one of the worst times of my life, and it just fuck up my family. i dont want to put them through that again. but when i thought about how my dad would feel....i felt a sadistic joy. and that scared me. it was a true and honest to god reason to do it, and it scared me so much.

but i’ve opted for the other way i saw; telling people. inspired by the youtuber jaiden when she talked about her own problems on the matter, ive chosen to share this with my friends (you guys) and my family (whom ill send this to later tonight. ive found that im at my happiest when surrounded by friends, and so ive been really itching lately to just hangout with them. i sorta hate it when i do, cause i usually end up mooching off of them (which is just the cherry on top of this shit cake), but the pros far out way the cons. 

so yeah. it may seem like my dad is a total monster, but he actually isn’t. hes actually one of the best people in my family and im honestly happy hes my dad and that i didnt get his dad instead. he just does things that have exaggerated feelings and that i focus on WAY too much when i get like this. but they are true problems in this whole situation, so i just......yeah. i might be like one of my cousins and just not be mentally equipped to handle a job. she has aspergers/autism, and by all accounts, i am very very autistic, so it is very likely, but i havent had a professional say so or not, so i could just be jumping to conclusions. i’m still gonna try and get at least one more job before i go with that answer to explain things, but it is still a genuine possibility.

i’d like to thank anyone who read this whole fucking monster post. i hated and loved writing it, and it need to be done. the first step to recovery from this is opening up to friends and family. i know at least one person who follows me who not only will read this entire post, but will understand and be concerned, and thats what i need, is my friends and family concerned and wanting to help me.

thank you.

#part way through i just couldnt care about correct grammar much of anymore #i just needed to get this out

[ironbvnes]

- ̗̀ TASK 002. — AMELIA & FAMILY

i. as a young girl, amelia was practically attached at the hip to leonora. when she’d leave for work, amelia would cry for hours on end, unable to be consoled by her nanny until her mum came back. she’d follow her around the house, tugging on her skirt as she practically begged her to give her even the smallest ounce of attention. her favorite part of the day was always when leonora would tuck her into bed at night and read her a bedtime story. the interaction made her feel so incredibly special, especially before imogen was born because it was the closest she’s ever been to her mother. when she graduated from hogwarts, her mother gave her the most treasured gift she’d ever received. it was an opal necklace, set in gold, that her mother had worn since the day amelia was born. now, there’s never a moment where you won’t see it worn around her neck. she uses it as a way to keep her mother close to her, even when she’s so far away. 

ii. almost every summer night after edgar and imogen went to bed, amelia would slip into her father’s study. the walls of his study were filled with books and as a young girl, amelia vowed she would read all of them one day ( at twenty six, she hasn’t even made it through half of them yet ). sometimes she would just bring her own book and they would read in silence. but when they didn’t, lewis would often take the opportunity to teach her a lesson, or in other words, spread some of his wisdom to his eldest daughter. even though she was too young to really understand what he was saying, his words still stuck with her. after all, her father was the one who really instilled her ambition and hard work ethic into her. these conversations, lit by the dim glow of a lamp, quickly became the highlight of her summers she spent at home. as the years progressed, it became sort of a tradition — a way for them to relate to one another while amelia struggled with growing up and coming into her own. if everything was going downhill, she knew she always had a safe place to go to. and she still does.

iii. even though amelia lives alone now, her two-story townhouse used to belong to her grandparents before they passed. it was gifted to her after she graduated from the auror training academy, the same time she coincidentally needed a new place to live. even though she’s lived there for nearly five years,  she can still easily recall the many weeks she’d spent there in the summers, surrounded by aunts and uncles and cousins. the house wasn’t large by any means, but somehow they all fit ( with the help of a few charms, of course ). she spent so many nights in the backyard with her cousins, catching fireflies and stargazing until their parents practically had to drag them inside for the night. amelia wouldn’t consider herself to be close with her extended family anymore, but those summers were some of the happiest of her life. perhaps because it was the last time she was truly carefree. the little family reunions stopped after amelia turned fifteen, around the time she began to fully dedicate herself to school and nothing else. 

iv. when amelia found out she was going to be a big sister, she was overjoyed. she’d always wanted a younger sibling, so to realize her dream came true was the best news to little six year old amelia. of course, she had to plan everything out with her handy little charts and schedules, including her various opinions on random topics  ( i.e what color imogen’s nursery should be painted — she argued purple , what stuffed animals to get, etc ). she was so excited the day their father took edgar and amelia to visit gen after she’d been born, ecstatic at the thought of being a big sister ( finally she wasn’t the youngest ! ). from that day on she was constantly trying to take care of imogen, always offering her to feed her or play with her. she’d spend countless hours at her sister’s side, talking and laughing the time away. it was then she began to craft this “image” of the perfect big sister, one that she’s tried so hard to fulfill throughout the years, though it’s gotten worse in the later years. all she wants to be is the sister imogen deserves, but she’s trying too hard and her love for her sister is being translated the wrong way. one day she’ll get it right.

v. amelia and edgar have always been inseparable. there was never a monumental moment in amelia’s life where edgar wasn’t standing right beside her. as kids, they were always on the same page, quick to finish each other’s sentences and read each other’s emotions. nothing has changed now that they’re adults, in fact their “twin senses” have only gotten stronger. there’s not a day that passes where amelia doesn’t seek edgar out at work. she lowkey has a lot of separation anxiety, so she always makes a point to purposefully visit her brother during the day. and if they don’t have time during the work day, she invites herself over to his flat, or vice versa. there’s no one who understands her better than her twin and after living in a world where she is often so misunderstood, it’s necessary for her to spend time with someone who she can truly be herself with. he has been, and continues to be, her favorite person in the whole entire world. 

#maraudrshq:tasks #one day i will come up w a cute graphic

[theblogofweird]

let me vent. I want a hug.

tw: depression, suicide, anything of the sort

_right_ so I’m gonna vent here bc it’s where I can most feel someone is listening  while also hoping it’s not anyone I know irl. I feel the worst that I’ve felt in years. Literally the worst I’ve felt since before being put on meds. I really just feel sad all the time and then I have these tiny glimpses of happiness (when I’m with friends, or in class, or whatever) and then everything just seems to fall apart again in my mind. And I’ve tried so hard to fight this because I didn’t want to get to this point but I’m so so tired. If there’s one thing I’ve been good at these past few years that’s asking for help. This time I really tried not to but I finally caved and asked my mom to let me go to therapy again. But we can’t afford it right now, because as for most, the pandemic fucked us up economically. And I don’t want to be another burden when the most expensive thing we pay and the biggest source of financial stress for her is my education. But I’m really scared for next semester because it’s a very heavy one and with how my brain is functioning (or rather, not) right now, I feel like I won’t be able to carry it. And my invasive thoughts are getting the best of me, to the point where I just have this constant self hating monologue inside my head and it’s been going on for so many months that I feel like it’s starting to sound like my own voice. This month things were supposed to get easier but they just get harder by the day and I’m so tired. and listen, I love crying, I genuinely do, but not when it feels like I can't stop doing it when I don’t want to, and that’s how it feels right now. Today the thought of suicide popped into my mind for the first time in at least six years. And I’m so scared. I don’t think I could actually go through with it, but going to sleep while hoping not to wake is something I remember too well and I don’t want this to become a thing again. And I can’t even pay for therapy myself because I’m also in debt, which is definitely worsening my mental health too. and it does feel like it’s easier to just die. And it sucks because I feel like I can’t even talk to my friends about this, because no one wants to be around someone who is sad all the time. I’ve been both sides of that statement and I know how true it is and I really don’t want to lose the friends I have right now because I’m not able to manage my sadness on my own. And it also sucks because although I consciously know they care about me, in so many friendships I just feel like I’ve been left behind. Like I’ve been forgotten in a way. And I really try not to take it personally because I know how hard this year has been for everyone, and I don’t want to make it about myself, but I can’t help feeling sad when I’ve seen the two people I care most about a total of one time since march, which lasted like 20 minutes at most. I just wish I could hug someone and cry and get love and patience in exchange. I wish I could talk about this without feeling like I’m going crazy, without feeling like I’m a burden, without feeling like people will stare at me and stay in silence because they don’t know what to do with someone who is this sad. because that’s what almost always happens when I try to talk about sadness to people and I don’t think I’m strong enough to take it right now. I feel like I can’t do anything. this is gonna be my second night sleeping on my couch with a blanket over it because I feel like I can’t make my bed. I didn’t shower today and I feel terrible because of it. my sister came to ask me if I wanted to go get food and I literally didn’t have the strength to stand up. training has been so hard physically and mentally even though it’s one of the few things that make me feel better. My responsibilities, as basic as they may be, feel so heavy and impossible, and the thing is that that’s still no excuse for not doing them, you know? because now I’m an adult, it’s not like when I was 13 and the worst thing I could miss was a few assignments in school. now there are real consequences and I can't just stop life for a few days like I used to back then. and it sucks. and the worst part is I can’t even distract myself because most of the time I’m stuck in my house. and when I’m in my house I constantly have this feeling of “I wanna go home”, even though this is the only home I've ever known. I really just feel like I suck and like life sucks. and I want it to stop. I want it all to stop. I want to stop feeling like this all the time, I want to be happy. that or to die. I was so happy at the beginning of this year, even through June, even with quarantine, I was happy. I was the happiest ive been. and now I’m just... not. I’m alone. everyone keeps telling me I have so many friends. and yes, I do. and I love each one of them, and I know they love me. but I feel like I can’t open up about these things because I’m generally the friend that listens, the friend that loves, the friend that is happy and sentimental but in a good way. and right now I’m just falling apart. in the ugly way. a friend(?) who I barely know and who I lowkey have a crush on just checked up on me because of my Spotify activity and I started crying even harder and she got some crying selfies. so that’s where we’re at. and this panic attack literally ended because my ex whOSE NUMBER I HAVE BLOCKED tried to call me twice and I got so angry I stopped crying. 

#honestly if u read this I don't know if I wanna say sorry or thank u

[eldritchsurveys]

876.

5k Survey IV

151. What is louder and more annoying: 200 adults talking or one four-year-old screaming? >> I’m pretty sure I’ve never heard 200 adults talking at one time. Regardless, I’m sensory-defensive, so many things register as the same level of “too loud” for me. Both of these things would be simply “too loud”. 152. Do you believe the stories about planes, boats and people mysteriously disappearing into the Bermuda triangle? >> I find them vaguely interesting. I liked the X-Files episode about it, Gillian Anderson’s character (it wasn’t Scully, technically...) was excellent in it lol. 153. Who are you the most jealous of? >> I don’t know, I’ve never thought about it. 154. What is the happiest way you can start your day? >> In an Inworld cuddle pile. 155. Do you ever have moments where you feel like everything is all right in the world? >> Occasionally.

156. Who thinks that you are offensive? >> I don’t know who thinks I’m offensive. It’s not like people go out of their way to tell me that or anything. 157. If you had to teach a class in something, what would you be able to teach people? >> I’d rather not. I greatly prefer being a student, anyway. 158. Have you ever had a spiritual experience (an experience that cannot be explained by science)? >> I’m sure science could contrive a reasonable enough explanation for the things I experience (and if it can’t now, it probably will eventually). Regardless, I prefer my explanations, and I’ll stick to them. 159. Do you believe that this experience was truly mystical or do you think there is some scientific explanation for it, only you don’t know what it is? >> An experience being explained in a scientific fashion doesn’t prevent it from being mystical. There are plenty of mystical experiences that science has an explanation for, after all, but the people involved in those experiences keep their own counsel. I think both a mystical explanation and a scientific explanation can exist comfortably side-by-side in my brain; they’re both useful for different reasons, particularly when it comes to communicating the experience to others (I wouldn’t use a mystical explanation when speaking to a hard materialist, for example, because, like... what would be the point...?). 160. Do you get offended easily? >> I wouldn’t say that, no. But I tend to be automatically distrustful of people who seem to go out of their way to be “offensive”. Just because whatever they’re saying doesn’t directly hurt me doesn’t mean I want to hang out with someone who says the kinds of things they say. 161. Would you still love and stay with your significant other if he or she had to have a breast or testicle removed? >> I can’t imagine being affected by that sort of thing at all. 162. Do you believe in fate or free will? >> I don’t care to choose a side. I think the discourse around it is interesting. 163. Do you believe that only boring people get bored? >> Of course not. That’s a rude (and, of course, entirely inaccurate, but mostly rude) thing to say. 164. Can life change or are we all stuck in vain? >> What does this even mean? 165. What changes are you afraid of? >> The kind that cause me pain. 166. Are you a day person or nocturnal? >> I prefer to be awake in the daylight and asleep at night. 167. What one CD could you listen to for an entire week (no mixed CD’s, it must be an album)? >> Why would I even have to do this anymore? It’s 2020. 168. Which is worse, working in retail, food service, or an office? >> For me, all of them are equally bad. Well, okay, maybe food service is worse because there’s the added layer of having to handle food and be around mucky gross things. 169. What’s the coolest job you ever had? >> Manning merch tables at local shows. 170. What is one central idea that your thoughts seem to come back to? >> There is no central idea...? I’m not sure how one even determines this. 171. Have you ever wanted to be an actor/tress? >> I was one in Inworld’s first iteration, when I was physically a child. But I have never really had interest in being one in this world. 172. If you had the power to control one person and make this person do anything you wanted for a whole day, who would you pick and what would they do? >> Total power exchange is totally not my scene, I’d get bored of it way too easily. I could absolutely see myself snapping, “make a fucking decision for yourself for once” after like an hour or two, lmao. 173. What star sign are you and what is your sign like? >> Gemini. I’m not going to go into an explanation of Gemini’s commonly-recognised traits, Google can take care of that for you. 174. Did the Blair Witch Project scare you? >> I haven’t seen it. The new Blair Witch game looked vaguely interesting. 175. Are you in constant fear of death? >> Not constant. I did spend about a year or so like that, recently. It sucked pretty bad. 176. Does fear of death keep you from building a life? >> No. Sometimes I get that bone-deep “what’s the point” feeling, but like... that feeling will just have to exist on its own while I go ahead and keep doing stuff. I can’t give in to that. 177. Do you like all your movies to be in wide-screen? >> I’m not sure what the alternative is, or what the difference is or whatever. 178. Are you a fan of any comic books? >> Sure. 179. At what age did you attend your first funeral? >> I don’t remember. I vaguely recall one happening when I was young, but I have no idea what exact age I was. 180. What do you smell like (lotion, cologne, sweat)? >> Just... like, a person. I showered this morning, but the fragrances from soap and lotion don’t linger very long, and it hasn’t been long enough for me to start smelling like sweat or anything. So I’m somewhere in the middle. 181. What are your greatest sources for wisdom? >> Oh, you know. People. 182. When you were little, where did your parents tell you babies come from? >> My father never had that discussion with me, I figured it out from reading books. 183. What is your favorite band? >> I don’t have one. 184. What’s the best cheesy 80’s song? >> Come On Eileen. /picks one at random 185. What’s the best kind of movie to see on a date? >> I’m not the person to ask. 186. Do you like to sit in the front, middle or back of the Movie Theater? >> Back, absolutely. And woe unto the people who have the same idea and try to sit near me. 187. Have you ever been inside an abandoned building? >> Yeah. 188. Under what circumstances would you agree to work for free? >> The circumstances where I really just want to do whatever-it-is and it isn’t too intensive, I guess. And where I feel like my work is valued in some other way if not financially. 189. Candles or strobe lights? >> Candles. Although sometimes in a dark area, a candle flame dancing around on the wick will have a kind of strobe-y effect, and I hate it. 190. Do you think the Lord of the Rings movies are true to the books or did Hollywood change the story too much? >> I don’t know, I didn’t read the book. 191. When you see a stranger on the street does your first reaction lean towards thinking of this person as a potential friend or as a potential threat? >> I don’t think of them as a potential anything.  192. Is it natural for human beings to fear and distrust each other, or is it cultural? >> Obviously it’s cultural, or every human being in every society on earth would fear and distrust everyone else with or without cause... which... is not the case... 193. What do you really want to buy? >> Nothing. I don’t have the money to buy anything right now, anyway. 194. You have to choose. Would you be happier marrying someone rich for their money or living in the streets and subway tunnels with someone you love? >> God, do I hate this question. First of all, neither money nor love are “everything”, but “love” is work, not some kind of magic bubbly gushy feeling that happens no matter what, and that work starts to take a backseat when all one’s energy is devoted to simply surviving from day to day. How do I know? Take a wild guess. Second of all, the question doesn’t take into account whether you can also love someone you’ve married for the sake of financial security. (Spoiler: remember, love is action and will and intent, not magic, so yeah, you can.) Third of all, can I stress that there’s nothing fucking romantic and movie-like about being homeless? Because sometimes I feel like people imagine “we’ll share a cardboard box and be free of the shackles of modern society <3″ or some shit and meanwhile I’ve seen homeless couples, many homeless couples. I’ve been homeless couples. It sucks. That’s the end of the story. It sucks. (There’s probably similar romantic notions about marrying some tycoon and being a kept lady/boy, or whatever, which do not at all measure up to the reality. I’m sure a lot of people end up abused and neglected and miserable in their gilded-cage master bedrooms, afterwards. But since that’s not my experience, it wasn’t the focus of my fathomless ire with this question, lol.) 195. If someone wanted to understand you what book could they read that would help? >> That’s not going to happen. 196. Do you think it’s odd that Americans have freedom of religion and yet call themselves ‘one nation under god’? >> I don’t think it’s odd because I’m pretty used to how the United States works in that respect. I know it operates under conservative, Christian hegemony while playing the role of secular, progressive Western nation on the outside.

197. In what sense are you a minority? >> I’m Black, disabled/neuro-atypical, socially considered female, trans, and queer. I think that covers it. 198. Are you anti social? >> No. I have a few asocial behaviours and inclinations, but I’m not anti-social. 199. Do you photograph well? >> Sometimes. Not often, in my opinion. 200. Do you think that human beings would survive through a nuclear winter? >> I don’t know. I’m not knowledgeable enough about either human biology (and psychology) or the specifics of nuclear winter to say.

#surveys #survey #5000 question survey

[imparkerpeter]

Iron Man Build-a-Bear (Peter Parker Headcanon)

the day peter finds out about the manufacturing of an avengers collection at build-a-bear workshop, he knew he had to get his hands on one. and he knew exactly which hero to worship as a stuffed bear.

and maybe he felt a little bit silly about going to a store marketed towards little kids (and not fifteen year old child genius-turned vigilante)

so he brought you along, thinking maybe it would make the trip more fun and less uncomfortable

you laugh as he practically drags you towards the entrance of the store, seeing the similarities to the toddlers dressed in captain america and hulk costumes as they run around excitedly with their bears

peter, bouncing on his toes, doesn’t look much different

despite being several feet taller than the other customers, peter walks (slowly) at a contained (painful) pace towards the rack to his iron bear, careful not to run over any kids in the process

accomplishment lights up his face when he crosses the store and snatches the last one up in his hands

but his joy quickly dissipates when he notices a tiny iron man grabbing at the empty space where the last bear was moments ago

and peter feels so conflicted when he sees an actual child, dressed up as his favorite hero, with innocence in his eyes quickly turning to disappointment when he sees that they’re all gone

but peter, being the selfless person he is, gives the bear to the kid just to make him smile

which almost makes peter’s own disappointment at the fruitlessness of the two hour bus ride to the nearest build-a-bear (which he filled by excitedly telling you all the reasons why iron man is the best avenger) worth it

almost

and when you went to the store the next day to see if you could get added to the wait list, the manager said that they weren’t getting another shipment for three weeks

but you saw how much peter wanted one and you couldn’t endure three weeks of shielded puppy dog eyes trying to convince you that “it’s okay, really, it’s just a stupid bear i mean i’m practically an ADULT, why would i be sad over something like this y/n coME ON”

but you know this dork better than that so you stop by the craft store on the way home from school and watch youtube tutorials on how to use your mom’s sewing machine

and after hours of extensive research on how to sew

and after studying the composition of the iron man suit (which wasn’t that difficult because all you had to do was step foot into peter’s room and stealthily swipe one of his least favorite action figures)

(it was the mark iv, which is “SOOO not neARLY AS COOL y/n because the NEW SUIT HAS STEALTH CAPABILITIES and camouflage features in it like?? how freaking awesome is that?! i wonder how mr. stark even got the RIGHTS to do that but i mean, it must not have been too hard i mean he is tony stark...”)

needless to say peter wouldn’t miss the action figure with the suit housing an “outdated” arc reactor in it

so you did your best to include the “bEST” features of the suit into the stitching in the bear’s clothes

you even went the extra mile to sew a tiny arc reactor to place inside the bear when you stuff it

just to make it authentic

a few days later flash was especially brutal and of course peter came home in a slump, while trying to act like it didn’t get to him because “it was just a stupid comment y/n, it doesn’t matter. i’m spider-man, he takes down criminals every night he doesn’t get hurt by some dumb teasing”  and he’d smile sadly because you knew how hard he was trying to convince himself of it

so you showed him to your room where you had set up a mini makeshift build-a-bear workshop complete with a stuffing center and naming booth

and his eyes welled up and fond confusion knitted in his brows and he just looked from the limp bear shell to you, back to the iron man suit you sewed, back to your band-aid covered hands, and then up to your eyes

speechless

you can’t remember a time where peter shut up for more than two seconds when something wasn’t totally going to shit

so you just smiled and took his hand, leading him to the bear and tugging him down to sit on the floor beside it

“wha--what how? i-- y/n i don’t, i---i...what?”

you just smiled and held out the bear to him

“for you.”

and you didn’t even have to explain how you rode the bus for two hours again back to the store the next day to try to get him one, or how you were willing to spend the babysitting money you were saving up to buy the ridiculously overpriced stuffed bear instead of the camera you’ve wanted for the past year

he just looked at you and knew

and you swear he was about to cry because he was just so damn touched

he knew how long you must’ve spent on making the clothing, especially since he knew you didn’t know how to sew

and that whenever he spews about how AWESOME iron man’s tech is, the words go right over your head but you smile and laugh and listen to him geek out every time

he sees the attention to detail you put into the clothes, even embroidering on the newest arc reactor because you knew how much he loves the shape, even though it doesn’t match the features from the older suit you pulled references from

but that makes it even more special because YOU did it, in the most perfect way

peter just sits there stroking the cloth, eyes widening at every new detail he discovers and his fondness for you becomes overwhelming

he swears his heart just grew four sizes

by the time he sees the tiny arc reactor you sewed for him to put inside the bear, he fucking loses it

just sobbing

because no one has EVER done something like this for him? ever?

and he tackles you to the ground in the biggest bear hug ever

and you swear you might just cry too because of how little this precious boy thinks of himself and how happy he is from a stuffed bear

he puts it together, even adding in another stuffed heart beside the tiny reactor because “he’s not just the suit, y/n, he’s a person too” and the fact that you knew to include the heart was almost too much

in that moment he knows how damn lucky he is to have you

the blinding smile that erupts on his face when he finishes carefully pulling the strings to close up the back of the bear makes the countless hours of poking your fingers with needles and cursing tony’s name for making such complex superhero suits worth it

it was all worth it

peter was so engrossed in the tiny stuffed bear that he didn’t hear the tiny click of your camera shutter go off

the photo of him hugging the little bear to his chest with bright, childlike glee in his eyes, the happiest you’ve seen him in a long time, warming your heart

it just became your new lock screen

when you catch him dragging the bear around his apartment and tucking it under his arm when he’s crawling into bed to sleep, the pride in your chest swells

because you did that

and maybe you spend the next couple days sneaking photos of him with the bear

as he situates it carefully on the couch next to him and combs the fur out of its eyes so it “can see the tv clearly too, it’d be a shame if he missed the technical baking challenge y/n”

or putting baby socks on its feet so it wont get cold when the heating goes out and peter is wrapped in ten blankets

because this boy is so precious

and as the final touch, you sneak a couple more photos to text to the man himself from peter’s phone

but as peter is just about to doze off on the couch, with his head in your lap as you run your fingers through his hair

he mumbles a soft, “don’t tell mr. stark”

and your eyes dart from his soft curls and delicate freckles to the well-loved bear with fraying edges wrapped in his arms

and you know you better run before evidence that tony got the photos gets back to peter and he’s ready to die of embarrassment, resulting in him pouting angrily at you

but for the moment you just pet his hair and watch the relaxed boy on your couch and think

it’s all worth it

#peter parker #peter parker headcanon #peter parker imagine #peter parker x reader #peter parker x you #tom holland #tom holland imagine #tom holland headcanon #peter parker headcanons #peter parker imagines #spiderman homecoming #spider-man #spiderman #spiderman: homecoming #spider-man: homecoming #tony stark #iron man #peter hc #mine #darynn attempts to write #headcanon #tom holland x reader #tom holland x you #how the fuck did this end up being 1500 words #im such trash #but actually rlly proud of this ok

[angelsandaliensspndw]

11 questions game

I was tagged by @thesuperwhovian thanks for tagging me my friend sorry it took so long to do this its been a busy week at work. Rules. 1. Always post the rules

2. Answer the questions given.

3. Make 11 questions of your own.

4. Tag 11 people (or less )

1. What was the reason you decided to join tumblr? I found a bunch of funny tumblr posts on Facebook and decided that this was the place to be.

2. What are your top five musical artists? 1. Green Day Ive loved them ever since the first time I listened to American Idiot. 2. Fallout Boy they have so many awesome songs. 3. Hank Green he speaks to my nerdy soul haha i got to see him in concert once with two of my best friends it was a lot of fun. 4 Aurelio Voltaire another good nerdy guy he has silly songs about vampires cannibals star trek doctor who and more his music is always fun to listen to and he has an amazing voice. 5. 30 Seconds to Mars Jared Leto was a terrible joker but hes an awesome singer.

3. What was the first tv show that changed your life? Supernatural definitely ive made some of my best friends by talking about Supernatural with them

4. If you could wear one outfit for the rest of your life what would it be? Well ive recently bought a pair of Captain America pajama pants that are so soft and comfortable (because I am an adult who makes sensible shopping decisions) so I would wear those and my big Doctor Who shirt if its only one outfit for ever i might as well be comfortable.

5. Marvel or DC? Marvel is far superior to DC when it comes to movies Wonder Woman being an ovibus exception. I will say in Dcs defense that it has excellent tv shows I love Legends of Tomorrow, Gotham, Arrow, The Flash, and Supergirl.

6. Do you have any hidden talents? I wish

7. What's your number one ship? And Why? Mulder and Scully they clearly belong together i could see it from the fisrt episode of the x files

8. What's your dream job? I would very much like to own a fandom hotel every room would be decorated with a different fandom.

9. Dinner and a movie or takeout and Netflix? Take out and Netflix is just another Tuesday i would rather go out to dinner and a movie

10. Android or Apple? I have an android phone

11. When are you the happiest? Sitting around my dinning room table with all my friends playing games talking and laughing and just having a good time.

My questions

1. What was your favorite toy when you were a kid?

2. Who is your favorite superhero and whos your favorite supervillan?

3. If you could only read one book/ book series for the rest of your life what would it be?

4. If you could pick one celebrity to be your best friend who would it be?

5. Do you prefer Syfy, Fantasy, or Horror?

6. What is your favorite food?

7. Do you have any pets?

9. What's your favorite game?

10. What’s your favorite Disney movie?

11. What's your favorite tv show or top five uf you cant pick just one?

Im gonna be lazy here if you want to answer these questions consider yourself tagged if you don't want to thats cool too

[bloojayoolie]

Anaconda, Andrew Bogut, and Apparently: FULL OF SMILES, TAIL WAGS AND WARM ENERGY Ruby Ul A Burst of Sweet Sunshine #32264, Spayed, 3 1/2 years old and 53 adorable lbs Waiting for her hero@Manhattan ACC TO BE KILLED 1/29/2019 ABSOLUTELY LOVELY – SHE IS A BURST OF SWEET SUNSHINE!! A volunteer writes: Ruby is one of the happiest dogs I've ever met. Full of smiles, tail wags, and warm energy, she gained so many smiles back from passersby as we walked together in the park. Ruby was engaged with me, and interested in all the smells around her, as well. She turned to me expectantly each time I called her name. This sweet 3-year old loves treats -- one of life's simple pleasures -- and knows exactly how to sit for a yummy biscuit. She seems housebroken. Ruby's coat is mostly caramel colored and looks quite healthy. She enjoyed soft pats on her marshmallow-white chest while we sat on a bench. Do you need a burst of sweet sunshine in canine form? Ruby might be the girl to dazzle you! Come and meet her today at the Manhattan Care Center! Another volunteer writes: "She is a girl full of surprises! Shy on the one hand and amazingly playful on the other. This is our Ruby, an adorable orange little gal we house at the Manhattan Care Center. Ruby yearns to please and to belong but yes, she needs a little push to spring out of her shell! She obediently comes when called, hops on the bench, seeks caresses, attention and furtively kisses her caretaker. When we least expect, she zooms through the yard and even takes us aback by playing with toys. Imagine what a lovely pet she will be in the warmth of your home and in your loving hands! Ruby is waiting for you!" Ruby aka Boogie #32264 Spayed female tan dog @ Manhattan Animal Care Center About 3 years 6 months old Weight 52.9 lbs Surrendered as a stray on 10-Jan-2019. You may know me from such films as... https://youtu.be/v7KCTtqC6ok https://youtu.be/yN-yO3sG0Ds Let's get to know each other a bit more... A volunteer writes: Ruby is one of the happiest dogs I've ever met. Full of smiles, tail wags, and warm energy, she gained so many smiles back from passersby as we walked together in the park. Ruby was engaged with me, and interested in all the smells around her, as well. She turned to me expectantly each time I called her name. This sweet 3-year old loves treats -- one of life's simple pleasures -- and knows exactly how to sit for a yummy biscuit. She seems housebroken. Ruby's coat is mostly caramel colored and looks quite healthy. She enjoyed soft pats on her marshmallow-white chest while we sat on a bench. Do you need a burst of sweet sunshine in canine form? Ruby might be the girl to dazzle you! Come and meet her today at the Manhattan Care Center! Sorry, this pet is for new hope partners only. Ruby is at risk, new hope only, for behavioral reasons. Ruby has been fearful in the care center and has displayed distance increasing behaviors, and has shown sensitivities to touch. Ruby would be best suited for a new hope partner that can offer behavior modification in a low stress environment. Medically, Ruby appears healthy. INTAKE INFO - BASIC INFORMATION: Boogie is a female brown and white large breed dog that is estimated to be 2 years old. She was brought in as a stray when she was found wandering to street. Boogie was friendly with her finder and walked alongside him on a leash. Medical Notes: Boogie has no known medical concerns. BEHAVIOR NOTES Means of surrender (length of time in previous home):: Stray Bite history:: Yes. In June 2018, two people in her home got into a fight. During the fight, Boogie bit both people on the hand, breaking skin. SHELTER ASSESSMENT - Date of assessment: 11-Jan-2019 SUMMARIES Summary:: LEASH WALKING Strength and pulling: Moderate Reactivity to humans: none Reactivity to other dogs: None- pulls slightly towards Reactivity other: none Leash walking comments: None SOCIABILITY Loose in room: Moderately social Call over: Approaches with coaxing Sociability comments: Shy, but warms quickly HANDLING Soft handling: Accepts contact Exuberant handling: Tolerates contact Handling comments: Slightly uncomfortable, whale eye during front leg touch AROUSAL Jog: Follows handler (playful escalates) Tug: Does not engage with tug toy Comments: None RAISED VOICE No response Comments: None TOY No response Comments: Sniffs and paws toy, but afraid of hand. Play bows and hard barks at hand when hand pushes toy towards her PLAYGROUP NOTES - DOG TO DOG SUMMARIES: Slow introductions are recommended between Ruby and respectful dogs. 1/11: When introduced off leash to a male greeter dog, Ruby is fearful but allows polite greeting. 1/12: Ruby avoids interaction with the other dog. 1/17-1/18: Ruby greets the other dog politely but then seeks handler attention. 1/19: Ruby engages in running play with male dogs today. 1/22: Ruby engages in brief play, corrects when no longer wanting to engage. 1/23: Ruby avoids interaction today. 1/25: Ruby avoids interaction again today. INTAKE BEHAVIOR - Date of intake:10-Jan-2019. Summary: Stiff, growling - Boogie was stiff bodied during intake she was backing away from me and did not allow me to approach her. She let off low growls and hid behind her finder. She did not allow me to collar or scan her. MEDICAL BEHAVIOR - Date of initial:12-Jan-2019 Summary:Growled, no teeth, muzzled and sedated ENERGY LEVEL: Because Boogie is a stray, we are not sure how her energy level will be in a home environment. At the care center, Boogie has shown a medium energy level. IN SHELTER OBSERVATIONS: 1/14/19: Boogie has opened up with handlers at the care center, approaching socially and becoming playful. BEHAVIOR DETERMINATION:: New Hope Only Behavior Asilomar: TM - Treatable-Manageable Recommendations:: No children (under 13),Place with a New Hope partner Recommendations comments:: Due to Ruby's bite history, we recommend an adult only home. Though Ruby has displayed social behavior in the care center upon warming up to handlers, she displayed fearful behavior in the beginning. Upon intake, she allowed minimal handling and displayed high level warning signals. She has since warmed up and improved significantly and has readily allowed all handling, however, due to the behavior on intake combined with her bite history we believe being placed with a New Hope partner would be most appropriate at this time. Force-free, reward based training is advised when introducing or exposing Ruby to new and unfamiliar situations. Potential challenges: : Handling/touch sensitivity,Fearful/potential for defensive aggression,Bite history (human) Potential challenges comments:: Ruby has shown some sensitivity when her paws have been touched or handled. Please see sensitivity handout on how best to manage this behavior Ruby has been fearful at the care center and in some interactions has growled. In her previous home, she bit the people in her home when the got into a fight, showing that she may bite in highly charged situations. Please see handout on Fearful/potential for defensive aggression. Ruby bit two people in her previous home on the hands when the people got into a fight. The bites broke skin and the people received medical treatment. Please see the handout on Bite History. MEDICAL EXAM NOTES Progress Exam 24/01/2019 SO Monitoring for CIRDC QAR, laying on bed when observed. EN -- eyes and nose are clear with no discharge. No coughing or sneezing A Apparently healthy P continue to monitor while in shelter Details on my behavior are... Behavior Condition: 3. Yellow Behavior History Behavior Assessment Boogie was stiff bodied during intake she was backing away from me and did not allow me to approach her. She let off low growls and hid behind her finder. She did not allow me to collar or scan her. 11-Jan-2019 DVM Intake Exam: Estimated age: 3y. History : found stray, MC positive, was in system. Subjective: BARH, normal appetite no elimination concerns. Observed Behavior - very timid, growled but did not show teeth, was sedated and muzzled (0.6ml d, 0.6ml t, full reversal). Evidence of Cruelty seen – no. Evidence of Trauma seen – no. Objective: P = wnl, R = wnl, BCS 5/9. EENT: Eyes clear, ears clean, no nasal or ocular discharge noted. Oral Exam: unremarkable. PLN: No enlargements noted. H/L: NSR, NMA, CRT < 2, Lungs clear, eupnic. ABD: Non painful, no masses palpated. U/G: female spayed linear green tattoo, no leakage or discharge. MSI: Ambulatory x 4, skin free of parasites, no masses noted, healthy hair coat. CNS: Mentation appropriate - no signs of neurologic abnormalities. Rectal: visually normal. Assessment healthy. Prognosis: excellent. Plan: ok for adoption contact owner for potential reunification. ---------------------------------------------- MEDICAL NOTES FIRST STAY July 2018 Medical Assistant 20/07/2018 Canine OHE Pre Medication: Morphine 25 mg/ml mg/mL injectable, 0.6 mL IM, once at 10:40 am Dexdomitor 0.5 mg/mL injectable, 0.16 mL IM, once at 10:40 am Induction: Ketamine 100 mg/mL injectable; 0.6 mL IV, once at 10:55 am Venous access: 22 g IV placed in RF cephalic vessel. Anesthesia notes: Anesthesia notes: Size 9.5 fr. ET tube placed, maintained general anesthesia throughout procedure on variable Isoflurane and O2. Size 3 L rebreathing bag. Intraoperative fluid administration: (Rate, Fluid type) Intraoperative IV fluids (LRS) administered at a rate of 200 mL/hr throughout procedure. NSAID: Rimadyl 50mg/mL injectable, 0.9 mL, SQ, once post operatively, for post operative pain relief. Recovery Status: Uneventful Extubation time at 11:32 am Dexdomitor 0.5 mg/mL injectable, 0.0.12 mL IM, once at 11:36 am. Anesthesiologist/Surgical Monitor: 0391/0811 Start 1 table Carprofen 100 mg sid po x 4 days as pain management. Weight: 52.9 lbs 7/07/2018 DVM Intake Exam Estimated age: 3 Microchip noted on Intake? N Microchip Number (If Applicable): History : RTO Subjective: BARH Observed Behavior - very timid, unpredictable so placed a muzzle, barrel rolling, flipping back Sedated Exam - Dexmeditomidine 0.5 ml Butorphanol 0.5 ml IM Evidence of Cruelty seen - n Evidence of Trauma seen - n Objective T = - P = wnl R = wnl BCS = 5/9 EENT: Eyes clear, ears clean, no nasal or ocular discharge noted Oral Exam: teeth in good cond PLN: No enlargements noted H/L: NSR, NMA, CRT < 2, Lungs clear, eupnic ABD: Non painful, no masses palpated U/G: Developed MSI: Ambulatory x 4, skin free of parasites, no masses noted, healthy hair coat CNS: Mentation appropriate - no signs of neurologic abnormalities Rectal: externally normal Assessment: Healthy Prognosis: Excellent Plan: SPAY and complete intake txs SURGERY: Okay for surgery 9/07/2018 SO BAR, barking at front of kennel. EENT -- Serous nasal discharge, coughing and huffing during cageside exam. A CIRDC P doxycycline 100mg tablet -- give 2 tablets PO q24h x 14 days cerenia 60mg tablet -- give 1/2 tablet PO q24h x 4 days 17/07/2018 SO BAR, EENT -- no nasal discharge, no sneezing or coughing. A CIRDC -- resolved P move out of ISO schedule OVH surgery 20/07/2018 Pre-op exam Hx: Had CIRDC, recently recovered S: Alert, crouches as she walks, timid, gives whale eye. No growling or barking. O: BAR-H, BCS 5/9, MMs pink and moist, CRT <2 sec EENT: No discharge OU, AU, nose. Clean teeth. PLNs: Not significantly enlarged. H/L: NSR, NMA. Eupnic, quiet lung sounds. Abd: Slightly tense, no pain on palpation, no masses palpated, not distended M/S/I: Amb x4. No skin lesions noted. UG: Female, small nipples, no mammary masses or vulvar discharge Neuro: Alert and appropriate, no sign neurological deficiencies A: Apparently healthy Short-term prognosis: Excellent P: Spay today 20/07/2018 Surgery report Was this dog in heat, pregnant or have a pyometra? No - normal canine uterus and ovaries Ventral Midline Incision Ovaries Ligated with: 0 PDS in two modified Miller's knots per pedicle Uterine Body Ligated with: 0 PDS in two modified Miller's knots Abdominal Closure: 0 PDS. Linea - simple continuous. SQ - simple continuous. Skin - intradermal Green Linear Tattoo Placed on Midline 21/07/2018 SO post op recheck BAR in kennel. incision site is clean and dry. A healing sx site P continue to monitor post op. ---------------------------------------------- *** TO FOSTER OR ADOPT *** HOW TO RESERVE A “TO BE KILLED” DOG ONLINE (only for those who can get to the shelter IN PERSON to complete the adoption process, and only for the dogs on the list NOT marked New Hope Rescue Only). Follow our Step by Step directions below! *PLEASE NOTE – YOU MUST USE A PC OR TABLET – PHONE RESERVES WILL NOT WORK! ** STEP 1: CLICK ON THIS RESERVE LINK: https://newhope.shelterbuddy.com/Animal/List Step 2: Go to the red menu button on the top right corner, click register and fill in your info. Step 3: Go to your email and verify account \ Step 4: Go back to the website, click the menu button and view available dogs Step 5: Scroll to the animal you are interested and click reserve STEP 6 ( MOST IMPORTANT STEP ): GO TO THE MENU AGAIN AND VIEW YOUR CART. THE ANIMAL SHOULD NOW BE IN YOUR CART! Step 7: Fill in your credit card info and complete transaction HOW TO FOSTER OR ADOPT IF YOU *CANNOT* GET TO THE SHELTER IN PERSON, OR IF THE DOG IS NEW HOPE RESCUE ONLY! You must live within 3 – 4 hours of NY, NJ, PA, CT, RI, DE, MD, MA, NH, VT, ME or Norther VA. Please PM our page for assistance. You will need to fill out applications with a New Hope Rescue Partner to foster or adopt a dog on the To Be Killed list, including those labelled Rescue Only. Hurry please, time is short, and the Rescues need time to process the applications. Shelter contact information Phone number [phone] Email [email protected] Shelter Addresses: Brooklyn Shelter: 2336 Linden Boulevard Brooklyn, NY 11208 Manhattan Shelter: 326 East 110 St. New York, NY 10029 Staten Island Shelter: 3139 Veterans Road West Staten Island, NY 10309 *** NEW NYC ACC RATING SYSTEM *** Level 1 Dogs with Level 1 determinations are suitable for the majority of homes. These dogs are not displaying concerning behaviors in shelter, and the owner surrender profile (where available) is positive. Some dogs with Level 1 determinations may still have potential challenges, but these are challenges that the behavior team believe can be handled by the majority of adopters. The potential challenges could include no young children, prefers to be the only dog, no dog parks, no cats, kennel presence, basic manners, low level fear and mild anxiety. Level 2 Dogs with Level 2 determinations will be suitable for adopters with some previous dog experience. They will have displayed behavior in the shelter (or have owner reported behavior) that requires some training, or is simply not suitable for an adopter with minimal experience. Dogs with a Level 2 determination may have multiple potential challenges and these may be presenting at differing levels of intensity, so careful consideration of the behavior notes will be required for counselling. Potential challenges at Level 2 include no young children, single pet home, resource guarding, on-leash reactivity, mouthiness, fear with potential for escalation, impulse control/arousal, anxiety and separation anxiety. Level 3 Dogs with Level 3 determinations will need to go to homes with experienced adopters, and the ACC strongly suggest that the adopter have prior experience with the challenges described and/or an understanding of the challenge and how to manage it safely in a home environment. In many cases, a trainer will be needed to manage and work on the behaviors safely in a home environment. It is likely that every dog with a Level 3 determination will have a behavior modification or training plan available to them from the behavior department that will go home with the adopters and be made available to the New Hope Partners for their fosters and adopters. Some of the challenges seen at Level 3 are also seen at Level 1 and Level 2, but when seen alongside a Level 3 determination can be assumed to be more severe. The potential challenges for Level 3 determinations include adult only home (no children under the age of 13), single pet home, resource guarding, on-leash reactivity with potential for redirection, mouthiness with pressure, potential escalation to threatening behavior, impulse control, arousal, anxiety, separation anxiety, bite history (human), bite history (dog) and bite history (other). New Hope Rescue Only Dog is not publicly adoptable. Prospective fosters or adopters need to fill out applications with New Hope Partner Rescues to save this dog.

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