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#but now i have a choice? i simply cant believe you im too afraid of the words not being true i don’t want to be punished anymore

thisdreamplace · 3 years

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ashamed to say the 3D reflects our true inner reality, yes? my ENTIRE family has turned against me, after some atrocious conflicts in which they all ganged up on me nd judged me, name-calling, very hurtful things too, provoked me. i been dealing with some serious mental uh 'issues' on my own nd when this happend i was already on the verge of a breakdown nd the good news is while the conflict happened i kept telling myself theyre only reflecting me u can get thru it etc. Later i looked at the hard facts nd realised some of the hurtful things they said were my deep secret feelings abt myself. BUT my question is why the HELL cant they talk to me like normal people? confronting one person vs whole family, why?! i felt so small nd like an object, nd not a single person defended me. am i not a part of the family?

Part 2 is simply its been a week and theyve still been cold towards me as if I yelled AT THEM ABT THEIR PAINFUL 'tRuThS' in front of EVERYONE LMAOOO. At first if i was around we'd have dinner together while they'd all talk to each other like best friends aka sickeningly overly friendly while completely IGNORING me while i sat there. i could tolerate it. I WAS PISSED AT THEM TOO Now its too painful. They're having dinner without telling me, yesterday didnt leave enough food for me knowing i hadnt eaten, serve tea/snacks without my portion. i honestly feel so unspeakably trigered nd sad. worst is these things r reminding me of deep school memories when id feel excluded like this by other kids at parties or class activities nd its like im back there. anyway im glad i controled myself a bit nd didnt counter with horrid things abt them to THEM yet they think they can say the same to me. im so hurt rn i cant even tell u lol i was okay the whole week but now its too much,, ive been crying the whole day

thing is, ik this seems like 'im a victim oh noooo they ganged up on meee'. Nope its more like how do i change myself to change them?! u could say why not talk to them how they made u feel, except whenever ive defended myself in the past regarding hurtful things they/anyone in family did, the siblings/parents would say irritating things like: "oh so YOU'RE the one hurt? Oh thats right, its because YOU'RE right! yes, yes, you're always right. Forgive me for saying anything against the perfect person u are." Or one of them says: "You?! I hurt YOU? What about me? You don't care about me! So you think what ur doing is okay?" or "no, who do YOU think u are to tell ME what to do?" it just goes in circles like this! i dont deserve to hurt myself or do smth to myself even if they dont give a damn, even if years of silent suffering of the 'mEntAL pRoBlEms' (which my lovely parents have already told me is my fault years ago, hence why I NEVER show it to them, unless im crying too much then lol they just mock me, but idc abt THAT bcoz now ik i hav a right to let out my emotions)). i mean this is worse rjan usual. its kinda insane nd when guests come they start talking to me as if nothing's wrong then when they leave, they ignore me!

this whole twisted dynamics, feelijf left out nd helpless is ig some crazy assumptin from childhood of being alone nd unable to defend myself. plus when they argye with anyone, they become overly self-righteous nd over the years its clear they can only scream, blame the scapegoat and never talk abt serious matter like normal ppl. And yes, in the past when i bring this up, they like to reply with stuff like: "no YOU'RE the one who doesnt talk to US bla bla" like, when i do u just shut me down? have belittled my mental 'issues', mocked me when im at my worst, stabbed me with cruel silent treatments nd thinking its alright "bcoz of self-righteousness blegh". Or maybe i think its okay for them to punish me? or whatev? Like law says u get what u r. if these ~~~ keep doing this to me, im doubly ashamed to say this means im the one at fault?! i let this monster assunptin grow nd now idk what to do. the worst thing imo is how i failed to tell them,even if they ignored me in the past, how i feel when anything like this or a conflict happens nd none of them stand up for me, or at least are neutral to me. bcoz now if i do, they say nope, u dont care what we do, YOUR the shameless one :! so yeah they hav the advantage of 'numbwrs' while im too afraid to stand up for myself lol. btw they never apologize nd i suspect they expect ME to apologize to TYEM bcoz everything's already ruined bcoz of 'me'..... i give up on them, i really do, but my heart hurts. Either i harden my heart, nd save up to move out, OR i try to change my self or whatev assumptins i have. But how do i do that? i try afirming: "my familys so nice to me, im respected by them" but it feels so fake tears literally enter my eyes lol

firstly i want to say, thank you for coming here to vent and being open about your feelings. it’s so important sometimes to just let it all out, without holding back. so that way you can move forward more bravely, to create the life you truly want to experience. that being said, i am going to be completely honest with you here in hopes that perhaps it may inspire you and you will be ready to do what is needed for the life you truly want to experience.

“BUT my question is why the HELL cant they talk to me like normal people?” -> “i felt so small nd like an object, nd not a single person defended me. am i not a part of the family?” here is your question, and here is your answer. i think that being completely honest when venting your feelings can actually be so helpful, because if you read back what you have said, you will be able to clearly find the patterns that are creating your personal hell. FEELING IS THE SECRET. ASSUMPTIONS HARDEN INTO FACT. the true way you feel, becomes your experience. Feelings/assumptions/beliefs come first, and the experiences come second to confirm them. That’s all that’s happening here.

i am glad that you were able to keep your reactions to a minimum! that's wonderful and as many of us know, it can sometimes be hard to do in such hurtful circumstances. but you managed to do it, this shows just a small glimpse of the power you truly hold within. although emotionally you may feel out of control, there is still the choice to choose better for yourself which you demonstrated through your reaction to them. good for you!

the truth is, you acknowledge the victim mindset to seem like you’re not engulfed in it, but no, you’re still very clearly engulfed in it. as i have said before, you can’t be a VICTOR and feel bad about it. feeling bad about taking responsibility, about everyone is you pushed out, about any of these types of concepts automatically shows a victim mindset. talking to them won’t do anything, because there are no second causes. you could talk to them nicely, you could be the nicest person in the world. but you can’t pretend your way out of your inner world. your inner world is the one and only cause of your experiences. until you change the story you tell yourself, they will stay the same. this is a hard pill to swallow sometimes. and it can feel heavily, because it’s ultimately only you’re choice. they can’t change until you do. the heaviness of the situation may make it seem impossible to turn around, but that’s just an illusion. your emotional attachment to the situation makes it seem so real and hard to change, but no. that’s just an illusion too. however, it’s ultimately your choice. Do you want to take responsibility for your life, or do you want to keep being tossed around like your lost at sea, victim to the merciless angry waves? Because we always have a choice. No one chooses your inner world, you do. No one can go into your mind and decide things for you, that’s only your job.

you can harden your heart, but who would be the one who suffers more? It won’t be your family, i can assure you. it’ll only be you. by doing that, you keep that old story alive and therefore you keep experiencing it. you keep those stories alive that are desperately showing themselves to you, saying “LET US GO.” but you remain identified with those painful stories, so you grip onto them tight. you keep on thinking of possible reasons for their behavior, but you could just read your entire ask back to yourself and you’ll see every reason. your reactions, your beliefs about them, your emotional pain. its your refusal to let those things go, and focus on what you truly want that keeps you in this state and keeps them in this state. sure it’s painful to face the responsibility at first, but it’s not a blame game. thinking its about blame is just a misunderstanding of the teachings. it’s not about they’re so perfect and you’re so not, so you have to change your ways. it’s about this is how life works here. this is about... you can ONLY ever experience self. whatever is going on within, will be reflected in your outer world. it’s about how they can’t change, UNTIL YOU DO. so instead of feeling sorry for yourself, you have to decide to give yourself the gift of a wonderful life because you have that power too. you stop deciding they can be in control of your experience, and you decide your experience yourself.

to change your assumptions, stop trying to affirm over them and actually face what’s keeping you from believing in your desires. yeah, it’s going to be painful and uncomfortable. but you need to face the pain that you’re running away from, so that it can finally be released. you have to realize, it only stayed true because you believed it to be true. and if you are to live a life free from that story, and experience a more desirable story, then you must let the pain go. give yourself love and grace as you work through it, and know that there is a more beautiful side of life that awaits for you to accept it in.

No One To Change But Self

There is Nothing to Forgive

How to Sit with Your Triggers

give yourself the time you need, it's not race. the love that you wish to experience exists, allow it in. 💖

#eiypo

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the209social · 4 years

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Feelings

12:00am 05.04.2020

I’ve never been the greatest person at controlling my feelings. Especially when i like someone. After i tell a guy that i have feelings for him, I tend to make things complicated and awkward when he doesn’t reciprocate. I have a difficult time separating friendship from love when i fall in love with someone. This doesn’t happen very often because I guard my heart very much. It’s been broken so many times, yet sometimes i wonder if i was the cause of all those heart aches. Could i have spared all those tears by simply changing the way i reacted or looked at the situation, when a guy didn’t feel the same love for me?

I recently confessed my love to a man that i had fallen very much in love with. He’s a very good friend of mine and i developed feelings for him as time passed. I’ve never fallen in love for a man like him. He has a lot of qualities that i see potential in as a long term relationship. Don’t get me wrong, he also has his defects, and many of them, but i look past them because of the love i feel for him. It’s never easy telling someone you love them and opening up your heart and soul. There are a lot of factors that prevent us from telling someone we love them. Years ago i learned that keeping your feelings in only hurts yourself. We are afraid that the friendship will change and things will become awkward or they will stop talking to us. It’s not easy opening up, especially when you are very close.

Well if you’re wondering if he felt the same way for me after i bared my soul in a long 3 page letter, the answer is no. I got a really dry text stating, he would rather keep our friendship the way it was. Those were very hard words to hear, yet this time around i didn’t take the rejection to the heart. My worry wasn’t that he did not feel the same for me. My true worry was that he would feel uncomfortable and start pulling away. I value his friendship so much that i was terrified of losing it more than anything. I accepted his answer and respected his wishes. Recently i was able to hang out with him and his friends. I was able to be around him and honestly put my feelings aside. I didn’t find it difficult to be in the same space with him. I must admit that it brings me joy to still have him as a friend. The way i process things has grown very much. I didn’t always process things so simply. I use to let it affect me and my mental health. Usually i would be in tears, heart broken because this guy, that i love so much doesn’t love me in return. Now that i look back, i find it a bit ridiculous.

I came to the realization that there is no way you can make someone love you. You could literally be the only person in their life that cares for them and they will still not see your value as a potential love interest. This is where having control over your emotions comes into play. I remember how i would always tell Romeo how much i loved him but he wanted to keep the relationship as a “friends with benefits,” kind of deal. I would always get sad, cry and get depressed. He had a diamond (me), but he was scared of its worth and found more value in simple rocks. My mistake was being so damn adamant in wanting him to love me. I should have just simply offered him a friendship with no benefits and things would have been better between us. So when i confessed my love to my new dear friend and he did not reciprocate, i said to myself, “i rather still have his friendship than lose this man that has been there for me in many areas of my life, as i have also been there for him.” This time around i told my broken heart, “its okay, you will fall in love again.”

There is only one thing that has been bothering me so much. Before i told him how i felt i noticed that he has stopped texting and calling me about a week prior. He took longer to answer text messages and he was short and rude in the way he replied. I didn’t pay much attention at first. I did notice that he was going out more with a group of friend that he has, but i didn’t think that was odd at first. Then one of his friends told me that he had moved in with this group of friends and it all made sense to me. Before he was living there, he would text or call me a couple of times a week and ask if we could hang out. Not only was i happy that he wanted to spend time with me because of the way i felt for him, but simply because i enjoyed his company very much. We would bake cookies and watch movies, have sleep overs (as friends) go hiking, go out to eat. He always called or texted. Now that he’s permanently with his other friends i guess he no longer has a need for Me. The last time he invited me to do anything was on his birthday, about a week ago, but before that he hadn’t text me for almost two weeks. Days have gone by and i don’t know anything about my dear friend. Maybe, even though, he said that he wanted to stay friends, at the end of the day he felt weirded out by me. I worry so much for him because i can see him make small bad decisions after another. Yet i said to myself, i’m not his keeper or guardian, he has to learn on his own and i’m not his savior. That was something that was hard to accept, because when you love someone so much and care for their existence so much, you want to see them prosper and make the right choices.

But i’m also tired of being so available for these guys that use me while their lives are a mess and once things look good and life going well for them they turn their backs on me. Romeo and Damian (also known as Habibi) played me and tossed me out like an old rag, and now my dear friend seems to be doing the same as well. I miss my friend. He was truly like my best friend to me. We did almost everything together. To be honest, when he told me he only wanted to be my friend, i set all those feelings that caused me to love him aside and crumbled them up and tossed them out the window before it was too late and i couldn’t change the way i felt for him. That doesn’t mean that i don’t worry, but when i go on social media and i see that his friends post him it makes me a bit jealous, (not in a romantic way.) Im jealousy stems from when he’s been down and out, and cant find solace in his life, i have been there to hold his hand and give him a shoulder to cry on, two loving arms to hold him from breaking. Meanwhile these friends barely gave a fuck, yet they have more importance. Can it be because i don’t party every night and offer him alcohol? Because that the one thing he said he wanted to get away from and change, yet there he is, somehow back in that mess. Am i over reacting? My gut feelings tells me no and my gut has never been wrong. Anyways, i decided that i’m always the one reaching out. When i was talking to Damian i was the one who constantly attempted to set up times to met and hang out, (that 99.9% of them never happened.) I learned so much about valuing myself from him. I said never again. Damian and i are friends now. Yes i invite him over to social gatherings at my place but i learned to only invite once and let go. As for my dear friend, i decided that i’m not reaching out for him. Not because of pride, but simply because i am valuable and he needs to understand that. Every morning i wake up wanting to text him, “i miss you friend 😞” and i stop myself. I have already proved to him that i love him with all my heart and soul, and that i’m also a faithful friend willing to bend over backwards for him. If he wants to throw it all away for god knows what reason, then i can’t stop him. I honestly believe that losing his friendship would hurt more than him not loving me in return.

Time will only tell, but in the mean time my dear friend is constantly on my mind. I worry about him a lot and my family is constantly asking about him, because they like him. Friends that we have in common also ask me about him and all i can reply to them is “i don’t know.” That is honestly the saddest answer i have ever give about a person, and it breaks me. On a positive note i have been channeling my feelings into a more healthy lifestyle. A couple days ago i got so drunk, among other things that i’m not very proud of, and the next morning my mind couldn’t cope with the downer i was having. I had a full anxiety and panic attack just thinking of my friend, my past, my feeing. I wanted to rip out of my skin and run away. I hadn’t had anxiety like that since my time with Romeo. So i decided that at the moment i want to give up alcohol and any substances that alter my way of feeling. I need to be in control, now more than ever. I decided to work on my health and get back to my 2013 body. I plan on doing it in a more slowly and healthy way. There are still many things on my mind. I worry about my dear friend all the time, but now i just don’t let it bother me. I’m sure my friend will reach out at one point. Let’s just hope he doesn’t take too long and i that i don’t reach a “i don’t care” level like i did with Romeo and Damian, because there is no turning back after that.

1:02am 05.08.2020 (took me a while to write this one, i was battling with all the emotions that live inside my mind and soul)

#feelings #love #friendship #jealousy #self worth #sad #just friends

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fairycosmos · 4 years

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holy shit so im korean and i got monolids and I FUCKINF HATE THEM SO MUCH..... the white boys in my school think its funnt to pull on them whilw the girls poke fun at how i have “kpop eyes” and masacara gets Everywhere and Fuck Im so pissed that i cant afford those eyelid surgeries brcause i hate myself and my stupid fuckinf ching chong useless mono-fucking-lids sorry for rant im just. done!!!!!

FUUUUCK the racist dumb fucking white boys at your school, holy shit. what the hell is wrong w people. you have every right to be hurt and mad about this, even if it's painful. it's totally natural to be annoyed, pissed off, sad etc and to process those emotions however you need to. cry about it, write about it, talk about it. im fuckin proud of you for getting to this point and still going to school and making an effort. i know confronting this type of issue is usually a lot more nuanced than simply trying to ignore them or whatever. so is there any way you could talk to a teacher about this, report it for what it is? bullying, racism ignorance and absolute delusion - seriously, these assholes are so fuckin brain dead it's unreal. they have nothing going on in their heads. and you don't deserve to have to put up with that. at the same time, they need to be reprimanded for their behaviour somehow. and maybe if you ask the school for help, they'll be able to support you and keep you out of their vicinity as much as possible. their priority should be your safety and education, there has to be something they can do. i don't know what your school is like and i get that a lot of them are useless when it comes to this sort of thing, but it's always worth a shot. there's policies they must abide by and procedures to put in place. if there's any adult offering help, a teacher or a counselor or even your parents to begin with, don't be afraid to tell them what's going on. it's scary at first, and maybe your mind will want to reject the idea, but it'll make your life easier in the long run. you truly don't have to deal with this alone. the initial act of reaching out is the most difficult part, but it doesn't have to be a huge deal to do right by yourself. please just consider it for now, and know that it is always an option.

i understand that bullying can really fuck up your self esteem like, ive been out of school for like a year and what i experienced still gets to me. but with personal growth, focusing on your mental health and a network of support your perception of yourself will improve over time. it's inevitable. confidence and the ability to self soothe comes with age, sooner than you realize. when you begin to accept who you are bc you can't change it, when you learn that seeing yourself as an object is a scam you're brainwashed into cause it's profitable, when you recognize all of the ways you can experience this world that have nothing to do with appearance and pleasing others - everything changes. your mindset shifts bit by bit. you're just young rn so this feels like everything, and it absolutely is a big deal but it's not all that you are. school is such a bubble. point is, it genuinely won't always feel like this, no matter how permanent it seems in the moment. at the end of the day the behaviour of these racists is literally a reflection of them and the type of people they are, it has nothing to do with you or what you look like or anything you've done. it is not your fault and your identity is not dictated by their words. they'd find a 'problem' with anyone because they're the ones with the issue and they're insecure as helllll. not only that, but you get to live with the knowledge that you're a better, kinder, smarter and cooler person than they'll ever be in their whole lives. maybe that doesn't matter to you right now but it's a significant underlying fact. i really hope you're able to get to a place of appreciation for your race, your appearance and most of all yourself regardless of what these idiots think. again, im not sayin you're wrong to be effected bc obviously that's not the case. but even trying to accept that your worth doesn't hinge on other people, or whether or not you have monolids, is a good place to start. im seriously rooting for u. these kids will get what's coming to them eventually. try to focus on confronting one day at a time, and when that feels like too much, one hour at a time. even a minute at a time is good enough. and always remember that you have a choice to lean on those who care for you even if you don't want to. you have nothing at all to be ashamed of. anyway this got long i could go on forever bc i just can't fuckin believe but.....if you need a friend or if you want to rant, i'll be here. sending a lot of warmth and strength to you love.

#anon

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somnilogical · 4 years

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i am prepared to face god this instant

in the case of the native americans, in a counterfactual world where every native human could would do with their muscles what they would yell at a book character in their situation to do with their mouth. where people could would make choices from a third person point of view and then carry out the choices. where when asked by an interrogator for the names of your rebel companions, you say you will know them when they come to avenge me.

<<On 8 Feb 1943, the Nazis hung 17-year-old Yugoslav partisan Lepa Radić. When asked the names of her companions, she replied: “You will know them when they come to avenge me”.>>

<<N. Stolyarova recalls an old woman who was her neighbor on the Butyrki bunks in 1937. They kept on interrogating her every night. Two years earlier, a former Metropolitan of the Orthodox Church, who had escaped from exile, had spent a night at her home on his way through Moscow. “But he wasn’t the former Metropolitan, he was the Metropolitan! Truly, I was worthy of receiving him.” “All right then. To whom did he go when he left Moscow?” “I know, but I won’t tell you!” (The Metropolitan had escaped to Finland via an underground railroad of believers.) At first the interrogators took turns, and then they went after her in groups. They shook their fists in the little old woman’s face, and she replied: “There is nothing you can do with me even if you cut me into pieces. After all, you are afraid of your bosses, and you are afraid of each other, and you are even afraid of killing me.” (They would lose contact with the underground railroad.) “But I am not afraid of anything. I would be glad to be judged by God right this minute.”

There were such people in 1937 too, people who did not return to their cell for their bundles of belongings, who chose death, who signed nothing denouncing anyone.>>

<<One can’t say that the history of the Russian revolutionaries has given us any better examples of steadfastness. But there is no comparison anyway, because none of our revolutionaries ever knew what a really good interrogation could be, with fifty-two different methods to choose from. Just as oxcart drivers of Gogol’s time could not have imagined the speed of a jet plane, those who have never gone through the receiving-line meat grinder of Gulag cannot grasp the true possibilities of interrogation.

We read in Izvestiya for May 24, 1959, that Yuliya Rumyantseva was confined in the internal prison of a Nazi camp while they tried to find out from her the whereabouts of her husband, who had escaped from that same camp. She knew, but she refused to tell! For a reader who is not in the know this is a model of heroism. For a reader with a bitter Gulag past it’s a model of inefficient interrogation: Yuliya did not die under torture, and she was not driven insane. A month later she was simply released—still very much alive and kicking.>>

-alexander solzhenitsyn, the gulag archipelago

if all or even a majority of native americans near the missions had this neurotype, then what id suggest would be for everyone to move away from the missions and if captured refuse to work to the point of death. the missions need slave labour in order to exist and without people to feed on and with long supply lines, they would be undone and people would be free from the largest human-unfriendly institution of the era.

and the outcome would be better than ~60 years of slavery. this is choosing between timelines

somni why do you care about freedom? freedom is like ability-to-live. if people were like "well who cares about the global slavery-and-submission-and-stasis cult" until catholicism actually took over the world, the world would be much worse and we would never get to the stars.

you could say "whats the point, everyone gets assimilated to whatever the social order is now which is driving us all to doom" but like if you are in 1800s america after you keep the world ending for a set of tribes, you work on societal tech to keep it from ending in other ways and landing in this patch of equilibrium-space in the first place.

its like the difference between choosing between timelines and wondering if perhaps the money could be better spent sustaining the lives of those who could be locally saved. there are other organizing principles for moral reasoning besides these, and more than i have thought of so far. i suspect locating new ones is a spatially-loaded skill.

ben hoffman was using the choosing between consistent timelines kind of thinking when he quoted deuteronomy 30:19 in his post about REACH

http://benjaminrosshoffman.com/humans-need-places/

<<I call heaven and earth to record this day against you, that I have set before you life and death, blessing and cursing: therefore choose life, that both thou and thy seed may live.>>

https://www.sefaria.org/Deuteronomy.30.19?lang=bi&aliyot=0

which in context of the passage is exactly the same cognition that would benefit the natives to resist the world's largest human-unfriendly subjugation org and live to iteratively squirm out of these sorts of tangles in the future.

<<See, I set before you this day life and prosperity, death and adversity.

For I command you this day, to love the LORD your God, to walk in His ways, and to keep His commandments, His laws, and His rules, that you may thrive and increase, and that the LORD your God may bless you in the land that you are about to enter and possess.

But if your heart turns away and you give no heed, and are lured into the worship and service of other gods,

I declare to you this day that you shall certainly perish; you shall not long endure on the soil that you are crossing the Jordan to enter and possess.

I call heaven and earth to witness against you this day: I have put before you life and death, blessing and curse. Choose life—if you and your offspring would live—

by loving the LORD your God, heeding His commands, and holding fast to Him. For thereby you shall have life and shall long endure upon the soil that the LORD swore to your ancestors, Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, to give to them.>>

if native americans had social tech which could better survive slavery and forced relocation, maybe things would be different today.

which, this can be cast in a zero-sum frame of having your group survive versus everyone elses which runs against antinationalist heuristics.

but if you are planning to manufacture a pattern which revolutionizes the world, for the good of all life, it is instrumentally useful to avoid assimilation and submission destroying this work.

this applies to multi-generational projects as well as within-a-lifetime choices. if you choose to submit and assimilate and erase all work and structure you have built, each time someone wants to feed on you, then you i (0.7) dont think can really sustain your work.

i wonder if with this worlds distribution of neurotypes, such that maybe most humans cant run consequentialism through a rawlsian veil where they forget which human inherits the label "me" on their muscles. im somewhat optimistic that even those who cant wont make their muscles move according to this, can locate the correct answer.

though there is i think a habit among people whose neurotypes have issues to retroactively rationalize (FAKE REASONING, STORIES) that because you are unable to make your body wont choose your death over the death of three of your friends, equally or more useful to the flourishing of all life, it doesnt make sense to choose your death over theirs.

linta mentioned that they couldnt imagine knowing the right thing to do and then not doing it. that they dont have a gap between these things save for akrasia, i think it is because the gap is filled with fractally expanding justifications of the form "but you cant really expect a human being to give up their life for the sake of their companions, you need to be reasonable and work with humans who exist".

human neurodiversity exists, as a matter of historical fact not all humans have the same weaknesses. in hpmor!metaphor, some people are hermione granger and wont zap people in the milgram compliance test.

and building plans predicated on people who need to divert resources to local stuff because of their neurotype, will replace "if this were a story what plans would i yell at my character do?" with "what would someone who cant run consequentialism through a rawlsian veil, see in 3rd person and then act in harmony with this do?" "someone who needs to divert resources to babies and not personally dying, do?" "what if everyone were like this?"

labeling the latter as "what will happen if everyone is running consequentialism, playing as if from 3rd person and wants humanity to win?" is a distortion of what is going on and compounds as institutions are built on it and the boundaries of what good could be done are strictly smaller than the reach of what good could be done irl.

by the way, the milgram experiment replicated in 2015 poland. gotta check with the replication crisis.

https://qz.com/932110/researchers-have-replicated-a-notorious-social-experiment-that-claimed-to-explain-the-rise-of-fascism/

<<It is exceptionally interesting that in spite of the many years which have passed since the original Milgram experiments, the proportion of people submitting themselves to the authority of the experimenter remains very high. The result of 90% obedience which we have achieved, 95% CI [83.43%, 96.57%], is very close to the number of people pressing the 10th button in the original Milgram studies. For example, in Milgram’s (1974) Experiment No. 2, replicated in our study, 34 of 40 people pressed Button No. 10 (85% of participants, the 95% CI extends from 70.54% to 93.32%).>>

one of my moms who studies fascism once told me she thinks 40-60% of people have as their ideology that they will imitate those in power, and will go along with Power in times of an authoritarian takeover. they believe that they will eat rather than be eaten. given my experience and things like the milgram test, i think its closer to 90-95%.

reading grognor's memorial page it looked like he was very fucked up by the fact that he could do a rawlsian veil consequentialism thought experiment, where he saw himself in third person or forgot which agent was "him" and "his family" and then notice that his muscles werent moving in harmony with the logic of the results.

<<are you doing the best thing you could possibly be doing? why not?

become good

SPEAK TRULY, EVEN IF YOUR VOICE TREMBLES

you continue to underestimate the harm you have done and are doing

are you doing the best thing you could possibly be doing? why not?

The tools you have available are cognitive actions and motor actions. Use them to immanentize the eschaton. You have one life

if you were an alien suddenly transposed into your current body, what would you do now?

Pretend with every thought and action to be a much better person. Reach heaven through fraud.>>

https://grognor.github.io/archives.html

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monschoices · 5 years

Note

talk about ari 👀

Thank you mer I owe you my life 😔✊

Ari Yang!! My baby! ( Any pronouns || 20 || Virgo (sept.4) )

How tall are they?

as we all know, Ari tiny queen 5'2 ✊

How do they tend to dress?

Ari's style is really flexible, he wears any kinda shit that's in and designer, from skirts to shirts to pants to dresses to funky hats, all of them

Do they like how they look?

narcissistic ass bitch of course

Are they an only child or do they have any siblings?

Every single Yang oc/mc I have is related. (as of right now there's Ari, Willam (Mars) ,Votya (Artemis) and Atlas) [and if pb reuses the te male mcs again, there's gonna be more. Also! Votya is not from any of the choices books, they're a full on oc.]

Are they a morning person or night owl?

Ari likes to Do Stuff in the morning and wakes up early a lot so he can get many things done, unless there is some kinda party at night, because in that case, night owl, and then absolutely dead and hungover the next day

Are they a cat person or a dog person?

cat person 😔 in fact, Ari has a cat whomst he named Aria, and she's an entirely white cat, except for the big black heart shaped mark on her back (im sorry for never drawing her also, but i cant draw cats)

Got any favourite foods?

when he can eat, he likes vegan sushi. (he is vegan, yeos. also the when he can eat thing is because Ari actually suffers from a Bad Stomach Meanie which cannot be really cured, its effects can just be lightened and he sometimes gets sick from simply eating and might throw up, so he's really careful with what he eats and when 😔)

How about favourite drinks?

If ya like pina coladas! 🤧 also mojitos. like all of them

What are their favourite movies/tv shows?

usually netflix shows or whatever is going on in the mainstream media. fun fact he also watches the overwatch league so that too

Do they have any hidden talents?

Ari is really fit and flexible, so usually doing extreme stunts

Do they believe in love at first sight?

ya, only.

Who is their love interest?

😔👉👈 yall already know but beckett. please donot send Anon Hate

What are they afraid of?

actual sports (fuck te for making him do thief he would NEVER)

What are their guilty pleasures?

ASMR (he is a regular and committed subscriber of Byleth's)

What was their dream job as a kid? is it still their dream?

(not a job but still) As a kid, Ari always just wanted to be the best at everything, probably why he was valedictorian of his high school class. The dream that stayed with him is getting a phd

Have they ever broken a bone?

Yes, Ari dances on a kinda serious level, and some missteps happen 🤷‍♂️

Have they ever been in trouble with the law?

Naw, he just legally cannot afford to do that...

+ Three other random facts about them!

1. Ari is non-binary 😎

2. His first actual serious boyfriend was a trans man named Kyle back in China 😎😎 They separated on good terms and still talk a lot

3. Ari has a huuuge social media following as he streams games and does makeup videos a lot, and his fans address him using they/them pronouns

thank u for the ask again like thansk for enabling me mer 👌👌 sorry if some shit dont make sense its 2am and im not gonna proofread

#choices #playchoices #te #the elementalists #ari #ari yang #te mc #ask #i apologize if something isnt right ill proofread in the morning with a fresh brain #and if amybody doesnt like that some info doesnt add up with the books #fuck you

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klarkkent71 · 5 years

Text

TRAGEDY & VERSATILITY

September 8 2019

I still have more content about places to visit and other experiences but these will be my last set of poems until after vacation

TRAGEDY SERIES

HELL(Dedicated to the victims of mass shootings)

I hate it for you and in the back of my mind I’m feeling bitter yet so numb

Thinking to myself what has this world become to where we cant control those with the guns.

I want to write to my congressman and let out rage but he won’t listen because the lobbyist pay him funds

One shooting after the next more parents crying over a loved one

And to those committing the acts, my only question is why

Hatred, mental illness, jealousy, to understand I can’t try but to express my anger and say we do need change is a fight where I won’t be shy

Just know that I’m tired of innocent angels gaining their wings from others may they rest in peace in that place pass the sky.

PAIN

I look up to the sky and ask God why do the weather he gives add pain

Strong winds and natural disaster leads to another life that changed.

And what I’m discussing is beyond the times of Noah and the boat

But more on modern-day horrors such as seeing dead bodies of victims who just float

Or these fires that just burn through the western parts of the state.

I can only wish grace and mercy and pray for others and their fate

To lose everything in one instance I can fathom the weight

CUPID TEARS

I dreamed at night that we were together and woke up and nothing was there

I put you on my mind and fell back asleep thinking I don’t have a care

In the midst of it all I played everything in the back of my mind

One memory after the next of when you used to be mine

But now I’m just an empty shell sitting sad and alone wishing you were here.

I felt myself crying at one point and letting it all out thinking to myself this must be Cupid tears

BLACK HEROES

United we stand and divided we fall

An era of great leaders once chosen to answer the call

But with hope and courage comes a threat to their way of life

We preach to love your fellow man at times and do what’s right

Unless that man comes from a different creed and get singled out

You stand up and fight for your freedom that’s what it’s about

But to see the vision come true was something you kept in your head.

They say you were a threat and wanted to make a change by any means now you’re dead

And now the vision you fought for happened but the people divided

Trapped in the constraints of Willie Lynch with no guidance provided

We off the plantation now though and back in the hood

Thinking to ourselves life is good when in reality we’re trapped.

None trusting of our own so we stay strapped

We have colored skinned but we divided by color

You wear red or blue you now an enemy even though you’re my brother

Let's talk about the impact now that drugs had

Shit, Sad.

QUESTION 2

Will the world ever be at peace

TRAPPED(dedicated to those who afraid to be who they are)

Because we live in a traditional society you feel belittled for who you love

Bible goers tell you your actions will get you sent to hell when it says in the book of Mathew not to judge

Those with a closed mind will shun you and not try to understand how you feel

Just tease you for being different and want you to think you’re mentally ill

So pressure builds up and now you feel all alone

Questioning the way you were born to feel and think that everything about you is wrong

So you see death as an escape from it all

The thoughts grow stronger you thinking of multiple pills or blowing your brains on the wall.

I get sick of society and the pressures that others get to where they can’t be themselves

I pray that you find peace before it’s too late.

INTERLUDE

Love hurts but I’m grateful and feeling something and that’s alive. I'm feeling hopeful that I can be torn and put back together. In some instance even stronger than before. I honestly think that beautiful things can happen when others get completely torn down at times

VERSATILITY SERIES

Untiled

I look into your eyes and just get lost

Your chin is on my chest and you’re looking at me like I’m everything in your world

When it comes to spending time with you no matter the distance I’ll pay the cost

Our hearts beat as one and you’re my dream girl

Though the love will always remain the time of being in love been came to end

No titles or constant communication, in reality, we’re not even friends

And now I just hold on to the memories.

I look down at my phone wishing it was you

Wishing one last time I can hug and kiss you

I’ll tell you deep down inside how much I truly love and miss you

But I don’t

I just stare at a blank screen and smile at the notification from you accidentally liking something

A PAGE

I go hard for my last name so grinding to get after my dreams is nothing

I was motivated from the start my whole life I been grinding and hustling

Early on I was placed in special classes until it was discovered that I couldn’t hear.

So many years achievements later and I'm more than what they thought and I’m still standing right here.

The crazy part about it is that I haven’t fully stepped into my potential and what I can really be

The vision is still clear and I’m still chasing one more degree

I’ve done others wrong in the past and apologized and let go

Thanking God for the changes and maturity along with the growth.

I ‘m proud of who I become

Once wanted to fit in until I learned to march to my own drum

I lived seasons where people came in and out my life to where I grew numb

I had those close to me steal funds when I would‘ve fed them a meal and ate the crumbs

But here I am remaining humble

BLUE WATER

I’m staring out thinking what’s beyond my vision

Blue water, calm waves, to see past it is my mission

Thinking just how freely and smooth what you have just flow

Easily in just many directions, you can just go

I honestly admire the vibe

Being in your presence I feel the high

MY VIEW

I don’t care what your religious text says deep down this is how I feel

You claim your actions are saving souls from being killed

But the choice to me is with the beholder and not with the traditions they keep in Saudi

I’m stating this right now that a woman should have control of her body

It’s crazy we’re all birthed and come from a womb

VOTED FOR THE DEVIL

On the night I found out the devil won I wasn't surprised at the outcome or what the world has become.

I just know that a nation which was built of sins of others found their chosen one

The fact we constantly divide makes the beast strong

I keep telling myself that it’s just temporary but the days keep getting longer

And to those with brown skin instead of providing help we build walls.

Lies after lies I’m not even shocked or appalled

Really I’m entertained by those so simple to believe the lies

Draft dodging, fornicating, grab her by the pussy, Russian meddling, and spies.

I’m gone wait to really unleash in the future

Frames

I found pictures and it immediately made my mind jump in the past

Still frames of happiness of when I thought everything we had would last

I saw a birthday cake with candles with you wearing a white coat standing on a chair

Memories ill keep forever in my heart they will always be rare

I see beaches, balls, and baby showers along with pictures at my parents after church

I thought these were memories ill never get back but found on my laptop during a random search

I found a random jump drive and placed every picture on it so they will be in one spot

Im forever grateful that I have a passion for photography because they bring back memories we all forgot

Even flashing back from the good to the bad the mood will be remembered by the faces and emotions in the frame and over 80% it’s smiles

This is the closing of one chapter of poetry and the introduction of the next my next set of poems that will be pulled directly from my heart will called simply “NATALIE”

Whenever I post “NATALIE” it’ll cover many poems but i wanted some of the intro posted

Intro to NATALIE

All black, I feel it’s the color that represented me for years

Now im stepping out on faith thinking to myself I cant believe I showed up and right here

I felt like rock bottom to be honest I’m out the house and stepping out from fear

Sitting here faking like I know the culture but let’s be real what black person drink beer 🤔

#poetry blogger

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ayz8yf9q-blog · 5 years

Text

Would you buy rapture insurance?””

Would you buy rapture insurance?

If you believe in the rapture, would you purchase insurance to be paid out to your family members you have left behind . I mean if you re the bread winner, and just vanish . Who is going to pay the rent, who is going to buy the food. People carry life insurance, and have social security to help families, but I m pretty sure they wouldn t cover rapture ... --not superstitious

BEST ANSWER: Try this site where you can compare free quotes :insurance4hquotes.xyz

SOURCES:

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og-lacksubstance-studios · 5 years

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Protecting You - Part 5

Summary:

Strong-willed Detective Sasha Rae is one of the best detective on the NYPD. Her world is suddenly turned upside down when she must protect a prime witness to a crime. Can she put her feelings aside for the sake of the case or will she become a victim herself?

I didn’t see MacKenzie really for the rest of the night aside from ordering takeout so she and I could make sure we’re fed. I didn’t really know what to do about her schooling. I didn’t want to ruin her opportunity to continue her education, but her safety matters and if she isn’t safe then there will be no point in getting the education anymore. I hated keeping her isolated, but what other choice is there now?

The next morning I woke up and went down the hallway to knock on the door. I hear a faint voice and enter the room to see MacKenzie still laying in bed and for some reason, I grow a little hot at seeing her in my bed and once more she is wearing something strangely familiar.

She looks down at where I’m staring and she immediately clears her throat. “I got cold last night and I forgot a jacket, I hope you don’t mind,” she explains. It’s my old long sleeve Army shirt that I wore when I was all about my service. I loved that part of my life, it gave me the training and comfort I needed in a time when I didn’t know myself, but at the same time, it took a lot away from me too.

I haven’t worn that shirt since.

“It’s okay, it looks better on you,” I tell her softly walking to my closet to find some work clothes. “I have to go to the station to go over a few things with my superior and I’d like it if you came, so you can have a say in what you’re comfortable with in terms of your protection,” I explain to her as I grab my nice dress shirt and pants off the hangers.

The bed shifts as I turn around and immediately I note the boyshorts barely peaking from under my long sleeve which hangs just nicely off her slim frame. Her legs appear to be more muscular than I thought and it’s the first time I’m able to truly take in her full form.

My eyes rack up her body till they reach her face and by the look she’s giving me she noticed I’m clearly staring. I look away embarrassed and curse myself for being so obvious. I will be honest, we both have caught the other staring and I’m not blind, I know she finds me equally as attractive as I do her, but there are lines that neither of us should think to cross.

I remove myself from the equation which is what I do best by leaving the room with no other words to get dressed.

Once we both are ready to go, we embark to the station quietly enjoying the comfortable silence that sits between us in my car. Neither one of us talks about this morning or anything from the night prior. It seems like we find ourselves constantly in these situations where we strive to make the other uncomfortable or simply love the idea of the other pinning at us with our eyes. For whatever reason, I don’t think the want is bothering MacKenzie nearly as bad as it does me, and that’s so unfortunate.

We reach the station and I park in the garage then guide MacKenzie through the door into the station. We stop at the metal detector and put all our belongings in the container before stepping through to keep going on our way.

We get upstairs in no time and MacKenzie begins to look around uneasy about being in the station. Random minor offense criminals are sitting on the side of other deputy’s desks. One guy in particular checks her out as she passes by which really got me fired up, but I didn’t want to cause a scene.

We get through the mass of desks to the Chief’s office and I knock, waiting to be called in. He immediately does so and I open the door wide enough to let her step in first. I shut it behind me and stand next to her as he greets her behind his desk.

“Miss. Jefferies, please take a seat,” he says ushering us both to sit down. She does so crossing her legs uncomfortably. “I first and foremost want to begin by apologizing for what occurred in your class yesterday. Trust me, I have some of my best detective’s handling it,” he begins and I inwardly roll my eyes. If he had some of his best, he would have me checking out the scene, but since I have to make sure MacKenzie is safe, I suppose it’s an okay alternative.

“You don’t need to apologize,” MacKenzie says and he waves his hand.

“Of course I do, you were attacked and you were under our protection,” he says causing my eyes to narrow in confusion. Is he somehow insinuating that it is my fault that she was attacked?

“I promise, I was safer than I would have been had Detective Rae not been by my side,” she follows up and I can’t help but smile internally at how she defends me. He relents though at her reply before clearing his throat.

“Well I’ll cut to the chase here, the trail is still a ways away and I know you’re a graduate student, but I, unfortunately, don’t think you’ll be able to finish your semester out till the trail is completed and we get the rest of Mr. Kline’s men who have been trying to scare off witnesses,” he explains and I notice MacKenzie visibly shrink in her seat, shaking her head the realization.

“I was afraid of that,” she says under her breath, rubbing her forehead in frustration. I want to help her, but I’m not sure how.

“Is there a way we can work with her Professors? Like a complete online course or something?” I say causing them to bring their attention to me.

“It doesn’t change the fact that I have labs,” MacKenzie replies softly, still visibly bummed at the possibility of her semester being over.

“So you hold off on them till next semester, but at least you can finish some of the book work courses, right?” I suggest, but no one says anything in response. “Look, I’m just trying to give options here,” I add equally frustrated causing my Chief to hold his hand up to silence me.

“I’ll see what I can do and give Detective Rae a call when I air it out,” he says and she nods prompting both of us to get up satisfied as we can be with his answer. I’m about to walk out. “Detective Rae, a word?” He asks and MacKenzie looks back concerned before I make a motion for her to walk out. I shut the door and turn around to face the Chief.

“I expected more from you,” he says and my eyes immediately widen. “That girl could have been killed,” he adds.

“Had I not been there,” I reply back to him stiffly at him. His face hardens in response. “Did you do a thorough check of the lab prior to her stepping in?” He asks and my eyes cast down in regret.

“I wanted to give her a bit of freedom sir. I hadn’t thought about it,” I eventually admit and he gives me a tight-lipped expression.

“Your job is to protect the witness. Giving her freedom does not allow that. Another stunt like that and I’ll be forced to suspend you,” he says sternly.

“I have been nothing but good at my job and I make one error in your eyes and you suddenly believe me incapable. You asked me to do this because you thought I could make her comfortable during this time—,” he cuts me off forcefully.

“No! I put you on this assignment because I thought you could handle it and evidently I was wrong because not doing a sweep was more than just an error as she could have been seriously injured or worse.” I’m silent as I listen to him continue. “Now I suggest you stop while you’re ahead otherwise that suspension will happen regardless of another stunt, am I clear?”

I clench my jaw before relenting. “Yes sir,” I say before walking out of his office and shutting it behind him. MacKenzie immediately gets up and we walk out of the station to head back to the apartment.

#protecting you #w/w fiction

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bountifulwitcharchive · 6 years

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I thought I would talk about stuff in my life a bit, especially considering I keep getting rattled by anxieties and taken a back by feeling as if I am hurting or harming someone.

As an adult I take it as my responsibility to make sure my actions are concise, I feel this is how any adult should ultimately be. Whether or not who I am as surefire as I am, hurts someone by accident. Whether it is that my opinion makes someone upset ; I want them to know I am not changing who I am yes. But that I do still care about them. If I fail to do this, then i feel as a person I have failed. Whether this is because of trauma in the past, or stuff that people from online communities made me feel. It does not matter, ultimately this is where I am at in my life.

My in real life is hard. I dont talk about it because I have, and the end result is always the same. This contorted feeling from others who dont know how to answer and feel uncomfortable themeslves. Knowing they cannot do anything, and my own discomfort that they cannot relate. Cannot understand. Cannot know what it means like -- I often hear ‘ Is it better today? ‘ Rather then, ‘ Are things stable today? ‘ I hate that people often feel my household is a place where things can be healed or feel better, that is not the case. My household works on whether things are stabled and held together vs Anyone having gotten BETTER. The job I am getting into now deals with this , and a reason why I applied for it was because I understand. I understand so much what this means and how people who do not have members of family who are disabled like this, dont understand. Every day is a struggle. It is a challenge, but it is so normal what I understand and come home to. However, simply because I am use to it and accept it does not make the stress of it any less then how heavy it is in my heart. Because ontop of my sister being disabled and us lucky that she is communicative. My mothers health is getting worse; in terms of worse she is getting old. And her poor choice of eating. Her inability to take care of herself and having to take care of another adult for themself--mind you for the rest of their lives. Takes a toll on her. And then my brother is getting worse, hes a smart boy where doctors are realizing he too is disabled. However, imagine being told you are disabled at 13 but consciously aware of what that means ( my sister ) and afraid of what you will become. Without going into details; if anyone in this household would kill themsleves it would be him. So ontop of hiding knives from my sister. We have to hide anything ( the surplus AND VARIETY of medicines my sister is on ) away from him. While also avoiding serious conversations of our home structure struggling as to not spike his anxieties. He will self harm like crazy. And its hard watching your little brother slam his head against the wall because he is overwhelmed by the world he was born into. I have many siblings, but my sister steph who is the only other person who lives with us does nothing for herself. I am sure she has issues her self but does not speak of it. And instead sits at home. Falling more and more into imo a depression that my mother just calls and berates her for being lazy for. I keep trying to push her to branch out but I can tell how this life effects her individually and that there is something there she doesnt wanna talk about. And I cannot reach in there to help. For my other side of the family, Where my stepmother who i discovered the other day doesnt realize or remember or care to understand that the reason i fell into depression at 18 was because of what she did . And now I have to compress my memories and ask myself if my abuse was real -- or is this another one of those ‘ Manipulators conviently forgetting to forget the abuse they did in the past to cling onto the future they have now. ‘ By all means fine, she is a mother and needs to focus on that, but for me. Who endures. And endures. Staring at someone who did nothing but break me into who I am today, and hear that she forgot. Or doesnt understand. Or doesnt know. Like to her the past was nothing, did hurt. But forgive we do because what else will you do in points in time --- people online think your own feelings are so valid that you need ruin the world around you to make it worse. But no. Sometimes. You need to accept things for what they are, and think that me in a situation where I cannot change things. Or amend if the issue is brought to light -- to focus on what I can. For my sisters. So I can see them. And for myself. So maybe one day in the future, that conversation can come to light. But for now, we deal with what life gives us and we move on.

That is why that job was too much for me? Nothing had order .everything was a mess. Nothing was put together well and often people blammed the lowly coworkers for the faults in the system if it meant they did not have to get introuble. Then we look as if we do not know what we are doing and exhaustion has hold of it. The system in place reminded me too much of abusive circumstances. I did not have a voice. My back was always in pain. My feet was always aching -- none of this mattered to them and none of anyones complaints ever reached them. They valued their own problems over everyone elses around them, and I understand everyone is dealing with so much but seeing management value their own complaints over others was horrible. Considering Iwent into this with such a promise. With so much of who I was feeling like the brightest light about to conquer something new--the last of my hope in life. Thinking I was gunna change my life .Change my world. Offer my family something better. Something knew. Only to find out the truth of that all; that the Manager coaxed the employees there who I was . Was to be horrible. To tell her what all the coworkers were doing. So she could write them all up and -- so with that purpose and picture in mind to them. They rallied together to put me on probation and everything that I was broken to tears, realizing that--trying hard to tell myself I mattered more then what people made me out to be. Because when I salvaged my self to befriend them all -- to at least face them and figure out why they did that to me. That this was my job life for a year and a half. Lmao? And did that I did, and learned so much about what went on I had... And overwhelmed by this picture of how they lived and treated each other. I wanted to leave. And left I did, but into a situation that was just far worse. Never in all the years of retail I have worked have I ever endured such hell like I had with these customers. And some of it I dont blame them, the store really made them feel this way especially when nothing was right. Nothing as good. And nothing worked. Regardless the complaints I had of this I was stressed and nothing I did and nothing I got from this job gave back to me. None of it but stress and being exhuasted and finding myself stripped of who I am. ANd I tried with my quiet feelings about myself, to say things. I would say “ No I am miserable. “ And say it so flatly and awkwardly to make a point, but everyone always made a joke about it despite how flat I would remain. And then compare, “Well at least you arent management.” Nothing I said got through to them, and I tried. I promise. I tried with attempts despite how hard it is for someone like me to open up.

So yes I left and the job I have now is not something that is easy, Nor do I expect that my stress to be any less. Rather that it pays more and I am with endurance to try something new that might offer me better future opportunities and worse comes to worse -- I find a new job.

Even as this all went on I made sure my life here was as easy for me to come to as it was. Imagine. Imagine.

Just imagine.

If I was truly enduring all of this . What about everyone else? I looked at everyone like this, I looked at what I went through day by day and thought -- What if they have it worse. If I have no heart and mind to talk about what really goes on in length in my irl day by day... What if someone else is just the same? It is not for me to ask. it is not for them to say.

I geniuely wanted to be at peace with everyone online, and if something went on that was so bad by their action. I truly believed; well you cant be as bad as my Step Mother or physically bad as my sister who I deal with day by day. That is to say, I have no interest in detailing my past.

Im pretty sure its obvious my past does paint my anxieties and issues with how I deal with things. Approach people day by day.

And its important for you to know that, to know that I am like you or anyone else. My desire to be positive and happy is to allow for you and everyone else to feel and be surrounded by positivity in life.

Life is really hard.

Hell, right now I am still going through more impersonal feelings while trying to dance my around all this going on. Because even as im nearing 27 -- almost 30 years old. I still realize things about myself, and it will hit me hard. The most recent and most eye opening realization that still rattles me and probably is the reason why. I feel flippant in my anxiety ; is realizing I gave 5 years to my life to someone who did not exist. This person went by the name Logan and roleplayed Snow from FF13. I realized ; I spent 5 years of my life giving myself to this person. This person who did not exist and catfished everyone around me. Including me. Making people believe I was obsessed with him. Making people believe that he didnt treat me as if the private things shared between us were most intimate. That I spent 5 years waiting for him. Giving myself to him. Being patient for him. Enduring anything he said and taking my feelings so that I revitalized the things I did. Said. And would approach and appreciate him more understandingly. So he didnt hurt me, or ignore me--that he took so much from me. Money. Drawings. My writing. So much of my attention and love. He took 5 years away from me that I could have given someone I actually was so in love with and still am. That acted mildly the same -- but actually had stuff going on-- I am and was so in love with that person. And All I could give him was consciously a year until everything that I felt with Logan came crashing down in remembrance. That I didnt even realize why I was really overwhelmed by it all until some how talking to a close friend of mine about everything really. Really hit me hard.

5 years.

I think.

5 years was stolen of me. 5 years of love. 5 years of who i was. 5 years of dedication. Of loyalty. Of patience. Of endurance.

I could have been a different and confident person who really believed in love and not riddled with anxieties that made me remember everything I put effort into didnt matter -- because this one person would make sure of reminding me what my actions would fall under.

Life is really hard, and day by day I still learn things about myself.

And I just think, if you are still reading this. That you too are going through this. And that someone you know is going through this. And that we are all going through so much of this or more. And I just hope you are alright and that you are hanging on there because I want you to know that I am trying to. Very hard. To live and I dont want you to give up either so please hang in there with me.

That is why when the group of people who often harass my community when they do not like someone.

Yes the same group every time.

Had finally had me in their sights its was overwhelming, I had thought wow -- this is what you ultimately came to understand from me? When I had tried hard to reach out to you. To be your friend. To consciously find a place where we can be together as people comfortable -- but no thats not the point I want to make.

It rattled me that it took people who knew nothing about me, to change the course of my environment just like that. I lost the hand full of people from that community I talked too . A friend I had been friends with since I was 17 . Simply because they were scared of being caught in that fire too. It was less about who I was, and more about them losing the safe haven they had. The fun group and comfort they had-- they did not want to lose that.

And I understand that. Im not mad at that, just concerned. Sad. And reeling in the fact that people can ultimately take things from each other with misplaced context. And the unfortunate circumstance that people will opt for this, instead of talking to one another.

So I am tired yes.

Because that happened, that whole thing happened while I as dealing with so much. And I had no answer for it. And that me talking about this is to tell you how effected I am by my life right now. And that it indeed upsurged my anxieties more uncomfortably so and not that that is bad or good. It merely is what it is.

And that as I am now, I am sorry. I am sorry and grievanced because I went backwards and am not as timely with things as I use to. I have been struggling to sleep, and when I wake up feel a sort of touched exhaustion that makes me feel like not getting out of bed.

I am sorry since I cannot roleplay things most often for others that I would love to explore. That my interests as of late have been : what would make me laugh to roleplay. What would make me feel wholesome to roleplay. What can i say to talk to others? What can I do to connect with others?

My mind and interests as of late is more about; making myself feel better and coping through what means I can through roleplay or just talking rather then. Having fun with my hobby like I had been the past few months.

This is why alike on Gawain, my compliant is coming online and constantly seeing him hash’d negatively. In truth I deal with negative things on a day to day basis... I did not want to have it follow me online. If I post about it, then clearly I have left myself open for those things.. But often I dont and am trying to mind my business and roleplay leisurely when things erupt.

I am really sorry, because ultimately, I failed as a friend and as a fellow roleplayer. My talking about it is to correlate the truth but also to let people know how I am as a person. Even still.

I feel sometimes people think you know, ‘ Oh hey Sheep just excuses things. ‘ Rather its just Im a different kind of person from a harsh road of life and I see things a lot differently.

For this I will explain with a more literal example,

Things that many people feel uncomfortable online. I myself cannot-- it is that merely I cannot. If someone is talking about something regarding their character that they were abused sexually and want to explore the meaning of this through roleplay. I do not find this insulting, I find myself glad. If people can find out what it means to have been sexually assaulted, maybe they can also connect with me too? And understand why its hard for me to expose my body ( or how overly okay I am to do so ) or how feeling /sexy/ can be a hard feeling for me to overcome. I often see people mistaking things or not handling it correctly, but I want it to be done rather then ignored. Or treated like it doesnt happen. For an adult, this is how I separate my reality from fiction. But find a connection from my reality into something fictious. Further, as an adult I want to help people understand that difference. It is very bad to feel gratified and pleased by subjects that are distasteful. But seeing it treated as if it cannot be spoken of discomforts me. This is a public place, but it is also a place where you control the content on your blog. By the end of the day, I will pick the things that will make me feel uncomfortable or wont make me uncomfortable.

With such a short example, I dont know if anyone read this far. I had hoped. And hope. These feelings can help others or really understand where I am with my life right now and how stressed out I really am. I cannot talk individually with people because I actually choke up. I have ADHD and often forget if I dont take it slow. And can get overstimulated by the fact that someone is merely listening/paying attention to me. I am quiet about myself because I dont like wide attention.

But that.

The past weeks I have had such support in my life.

And I am trying not to cry thinking about it, but I have such a healthy circle of friends and I would do anything to see it through that it lasts for years to come. Me speaking like this is because of this. Because of the comfort. Because of my desire to reach out and branch out comfortably. To remind ppl of my life, and to apologize for where I am not most prominent and may suck at show casing things for.

I probably will make a more positive post in the future about how everyone has helped me through so much -- like I am just a cup that is spilling about and everyone is trying hard to keep whatever is coming out from falling on the floor--s uch a silly analogy but really.

I am so thankful as much as I am apologetic.

Thank you guys for giving me a home where I most need it. It is why I want to be open and communicative. I want the place I come home to, that I enjoy and need to cope through things going on. To remain okay, to be alright, and that positive energy can still be shared.

And that I want to with all my heart, continue giving that positive energy to anyone around me the best that I can. With you understanding me as a person.

Thank you, if you have read this far. For taking the time to get to know me.

#.´ · ⋆ ❛ ᵗᵃᵏᵉˢ ᵃ ᶫᵒᶰᵍ ᵈʳᶦᶰᵏ ᵃᶰᵈ ᶜʳʸˢ ⥃ 🇴🇴🇨 ｡#tag: vent #I hope that ultimately people #see what I say -- and understand .#But also #that my feelings can be used as a platform in one way or another.#And that people know you are not alone and that I am also going through so much.

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pokefanbri · 3 years

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Being able to deal with them..

Does that mean strong & caring enough to handle them? That you tolerate their behavior?

To love them cause they need you to? They need the help only you can give? Do they believe in you after all, that you are good for them, They messed up & you're the only one that's been there for them in the ways you were, you did your best so they were ok. Like who else would rub their back when they're sore right, but is it too much to ask for a back rub of your own lol. You're not too broken for them, they know their mistakes, was willing to start mending you two, though made a great start fell flat...now there's a timeless void needing to be filled.

Well what if you need the same thing, to be loved, needed, & wanted in return. You're friends 1st & foremost, but give as much as you receive. They weren't there when you needed them. Its always about give and take, but who took more. You have my back I have yours, whatever happened to that.

But do they really have yours? You wouldn't know, & people end up hurt, you let down your guard around em but trust ends up fractured. Trust takes compassionate, vulnerability, honesty, allowing the other person to see the real you & all your flaws. And just hope they accept you for who you are underneath.

It's because you love them that you care so much about them. They don't feel the same about u & don't understand how it feels, the gut wrenching feelings you have for them but you don't know if you should trust them enough to not take advantage of those feelings again & not use it for some kind of personal gain. Whether or not you're being pulled by a string or genuine. You adore them, want to be real with them, but can't be open around them without being afraid of rejection, your heart wants to reach out to them but it cant. They want your help, they feel they need you, what about you? But can you both love yourselves enough to love another person? Is it easier to build up or tear down. They opened your heart with no intention of loving or caring about it. You want to trust them & believe they've changed but should you trust, cause they haven't given u good reason to. With lies you end up questioning everything, especially when they say I love you back.

Yes I can deal with you & its not hard, but its not even that. You're my friend, my family, my partner, & my lover...I don't turn my back in either. I can never get bored of you & you're the best thing that ever happened to me. But deal with me too in the same respect, i cherish you...show me you care don't just say it cause I really don't know. I just wish you didn't treat me like shit or this would be alot easier for both of us, how hard is it to make eachother happy & lift somebody up, there just can't be peace after raising the white flag so many times. Dont be spiteful,I dont want to fight or play games, you sunk my battleship okay.

How does one nonchalantly hurt someone that only loves them. Everyone cares about themselves more than they do others, its just the way it is. Its rare when you find somebody that cares about you more than they do themselves. They're the ones that feel everything & give all of themselves, want to open themselves up just gets hurt anyway, the trust in people is hindered & isn't a good feeling when the glass breaks. Doesn't mean they're broken...just have been hurt so much by those close to them its simply exhausting, emotionally draining. They bring a balance, we need them in this world as they're meant to build even others through constantly healing themselves, unfortunately. Not fragile but so very very strong, just need to know their worth with a little tlc sometimes.

Hard to swallow pills or not. Sometimes we get burned by the choices we make, its okay.

Respect Growth nomatter how it comes out, only go up. Should be able to say even what's hard to hear, it would help others growth too.

Throw away deterioration, fear, regrets, doubts.

Though things could've been prevented we cannot change the past. You don't have to live in it, but definitely learn from it & choose to make things better in the present,& hope to god it made you a good enough future that when you look back it was all worth it.

If you set out to do something then do it & do it right, best you can. Take chances or leaps of faith, but be smart & careful as everything you do affects your path. Don't make it easy to let your guard down around somebody unless they're worthy. Im a firm believer in everything happens for a reason...you're life is already layed out for you to follow in my opinion, its hard to change even if u see it coming sadly. Maybe there's a timeline for every choice we make or only a direct road who knows except our creator. What do you want to do with your life, what do you want to accomplish, what do you want your purpose to be. Make it happen, go for it if you can, be a good person not a bully. Just don't give up, don't give up on yourself. The people that love you hate seeing you sad, somewhere you're somebody's favorite & they want you to be happy

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jasondean · 6 years

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i'm sending you the first thing i thought of when i tried to think of an ask to send you. so. here's this cursed thing. heathersstuck.

ohhh my god okay first of all im gonna preemptively apologize for how long this is about to be.

another disclaimer that this is all gonna be based on my knowledge of the alternia that we see in homestuck itself because i havent gotten super into hiveswap yet. and, as we all know, any good homestuck au is one where the contending canon is thrust into the homestuck universe as opposed to the other way around. so im gonna spare everyone the painful ideation of plucking a small handful from the VAST homestuck cast just to put them into the plot of heathers

im ALSO gonna preface that im thinking about the heathers film while writing this, not the musical. and im not gonna go into anything regarding martha, betty, kurt, or ram because i think focusing on the main cast is enough for right now lol.

anyway, potential positions in the blood caste system as well as god tier assignments under the cut!

so ive definitely thought about this on several occasions and ive seen some heatherstuck content where the heathers are trolls right. the thing is, the color symbolism from both media dont line up. and the heathers being drawn to keep their original colors just doesnt work out with the hemospectrum. like no way is heather chandler a red blood or mutant blood (imo itd make sense for jd to have mutant blood). the heathers being red, yellow, and green blooded would just make them a group of lowbloods and that doesnt fit with the power structure depicted in either canon.

heather chandler would absolutely have fuchsia blood! i couldnt imagine it any other way. duke could maybe get away with being jade blooded because thatd put her in the midblood range but also what does that leave for mcnamara? i dont really have a good answer for that right now but -

the heathers themselves aside, veronica would actually be pretty well suited for being some kind of blueblood (teal or cerulean maybe?) veronica being blue blooded would put her in a position of enough privilege to be taken under chandlers wing but also not privileged enough to naturally be at the top.

jd would probably be rust or mutant blooded. but its also fun to consider: purple blood? since those in that blood class are more susceptible to becoming more ..unhinged. however, i personally favor rust or mutant blooded since i am partial to reds and it would help play into his hatred of society.

trolls or not though theyd all be destined for something right? so im gonna move onto potential god tiers.

now this is where my laptop cut out so most of the classpect analyses themselves come with help fom http://dahniwitchoflight.tumblr.com

im imagining veronica as a rogue of space. first of all, space players are CRUCIAL to a session as one of the cardinal aspects (space & time making up the fabric of paradox space). its been said by calliope that space can be a passive aspect that holds great power, “hosting the stage before suddenly in some way ‘showing who the master truly is’” and then collapsing in on itself. space players are essential to sessions because it falls on them to light the forge which is necessary for the process of ultimate alchemy (creating the next universe) - and that aside, the idea of veronica collecting and breeding frogs is incredibly cute to me.

“Those bound to the aspect of Space are, as the name suggests, concerned with the big picture. They are patient, masters of the art of ‘wait-and-see’, and are inclined to take things as they come. That isn’t to say that they’re pushovers or willing to let injustice lie-they just choose their battles wisely, understanding that sometimes you have to let something burn to the ground in order to build it back better and stronger than before. To this effect, they tend to be innovators, concerned with creation and redemption. Catch them recycling the old to make the new, the fresh, and the beautiful. For the Space-bound, the journey is as, if not more, important than the destination; how they do something is as important as what they do. At their best, they are steady, impartial, and creative. At their worst, they can be detached, apathetic, and vague.” – this description of space players comes from the extended zodiac quiz itself

rogues invite theft through their aspect or theft of their aspect. they have problems coping with their aspect or their supposed lack of it, they think that they cant handle it which causes them to give it up too easily. the challenge rogues face is to come to terms with their aspect and own it.

heres a bit on rogues of space specifically: “They might have a tendency to quickly change the subject into others things or cover their interests up to distract from what they perceive to be their failed creations. They may feel uncomfortable with the thought that everything is random and meaningless in the universe, or that it is what you make of it, because they often think they don’t know what to make of it. They may feel lonely at times and feel like they have too much Space to themselves, wanting to fill it up with other people and things. They might lower their standards to the point that they give up their personal Space to someone not worthy enough, just so they won’t feel alone.On the flip side they might feel like they have too much stuff, maybe because they invite others to use up their Space, giving it away too readily, lamenting their lack of impatience with others, or the ability to say no to people. […] a Rogue’s challenge is to learn to be comfortable with their Aspect, and allow the healthy parts of it to enter their lives. They must learn to be okay with what they have right now, that they have it within themselves to change things and make them better. They don’t have to give up so easily.”

jd seems like hed obviously be a prince of doom and this feels self explanatory but. princes are described as being stubborn and pessimistic and they actively destroy using their class / destroy through their class. a princes challenge is to not end up destroying themselves along the way. doom aspect because not only does it pretty much encompass chaos, but the symbol (and the aspect itself has been speculated to be) pretty clearly draws from The Tumor which is. a giant fucking bomb essentially. another fun tidbit about doom players is that they are DEATH MAGNETS they die a LOT and its theorized that for this reason sburb has a sort of game mechanic in place to help balance that out by granting doom players multiple dream selves. i just think itd be really fun to see a sburb session where jd (maybe) cant be kept down by dying. doom is also associated with judgement and sacrifice, and have been said to be “fates chosen sufferers.” “doom players are wise, kind, and non judgmental at their best and bitter, resentful, and fatalistic at their worst.”

and while i definitely think the doom class is fitting for jd im stuck between prince and bard? bards are the embodiment of the “wild card”. they allow destruction through their aspect / invite destruction through their aspect and their challenge is to not be ruled by the whims of their aspect. and im just now thinking that while this does make sense in its own way, princes and bards are active / passive opposites and i cant really imagine jd being the more laid back of the two. hes just too extra, lol. although i love the idea of jd being in that ridiculous bard getup

heres some insight to princes of doom: “A Prince of Doom unapologetically pushes people way past their own limits. They are truly passionate, even almost crazy activists. They hate being told no or that they can’t do something, but are more likely to simply destroy or kill the person who said no then prove them otherwise. Depending on what kind of situation or session they find themselves in, and whether or not what they do is really needed at the moment, they can be heaven sent saviors, freeing people from what binds them, or terrifying dictators, ruling over people and enforcing their will wherever they want, letting nothing and no one limit what they do. […] They likely use Bombs and Fire as their main weapons. They have a lot of potential to go down a very destructive or even evil path if they use their powers irresponsibly, but not every Prince of Doom is automatically evil or will Doom their session.“

heather chandler i can definitely see being a witch of rage. witches manipulate using their aspect or manipulate their aspect directly and their challenge is to use their rule breaking powers in a morally conscious way.

heres some info about witches of rage: “You don’t tell a Witch of Rage anything, they tell you. Anything you have to say they can Reject with Doubt, Negativity and Skepticism and be like ‘No you’re wrong, it’s actually this way.’ They manipulate fear, mistrust and anger, either lowering it or making you believe it’s not all that bad, even if it is. Or they can amplify it, making you paranoid and afraid of even mundane things. […] They can be ‘loose cannons’ and this can be good or bad, depending on how good you are on getting them on your side and keeping them there. Their entire moral challenge lies in the choice between using their powers on their allies or their enemies, like most witches.”

heather duke would likely be a maid of mind. a maid creates with their aspect / creates their aspect, and a maids challenge is to rely on themself for their aspect. this absolutely isnt to say that duke cannot think for herself at the beginning of the story by any means.

here’s a bit about maids of mind: “At first they tend to defer to the decisions of the group rather than be a part of them and are more focused on watching and waiting and seeing how other people make decisions. […] When a Maid of Mind starts rising to their challenge, they start deciding for themselves what roles they need to play and when. […] They may just have an apathetic and indifferent personality in general. They start letting their thoughts and decision be known and have an effect instead of just referring to others and blending in.”

and finally heather mcnamara would probably be a page of heart. (i had a hard time coming up with a god tier for her since, if im being honest, shes not a character i pay much attention to.) pages invite exploitation of their aspect / invite exploitation through their aspect. they start with a deficit in their aspect that they overcome through (obvious) overcompensation. their challenge is to keep at things, even if they fail or the journey is slow, to become stronger in the end.

bit about pages of heart: “They can be very over dramatic in their emotional displays, blowing up every little thing completely out of proportion and giving disproportionate emotional responses to almost everything. […] They can be easily exploited through all of this by other people who either take advantage of the Page’s emotions and empathy, or take advantage of the Page’s obsessions and desires, using it against them. […] When they rise up to their challenge, they start learning to be more balanced and sincere with their emotions, their affections, and with themselves. They learn how to be passionate, sincere and truly honest with themselves and others.”

and all of this is just SOME of the possibilities of what could happen in a homestuck heathers au. would they all be in the same session? would they all be trolls? would the heathers & veronica be in their own session and jd be in his own session that ends up intertwining together? theres literally SO MANY possibilities when it comes to homestuck aus and i love that shit.

now that ive spent so much time speculating all this its time to deposit myself directly into the dumpster

#heathers #homestuck #i cant believe im about to use this tag but #heathersstuck #or wait #heatherstuck #i think single s feels more right #anyway #stupidestquestion #are you happy #.txt

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cum-om-me · 4 years

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Personal Entry:

Otter here, first i guess itd be fair to explain a few things up top.

Firstly Otter is a metaphorical alter ego which was created based of a nick name given to me in highh school.

I was coined as "the nomadic Otter" due to my well known history of drifting continuously through this existence being born in a foreign land not to many continents away,but like a gracious river otter flowing with the rivers which eventually reach the seas, i was always stoned more naive, but ironically zen. I was brought here by my single mother at four yrs old, my father was never in the picture nor was i allowed to speak about him or inquire about him to my family and those who may have any information regarding the history of my own coming into being.

We became permanent residents four years later and im currently going through the process of naturalization. I went through the american education system since pre kindergarten so naturalization has occured as an outcome, but just isn't finalized and paid for so i am now going through that initiation. Ive paid and gone through the preliminary round.

We landed in a small town in texas, age four. Came to california at fifteen, twenty years id moved one year to, year and a half due to my mothers profession In the medical field, sometimes, or i guess i should say almost always, we would have to go to where the work was most needed in order to sustain our basic living, taking us all over texas and parts of southern california. After eighteen yrs of age, i left home with duffel bag and a guitar because i wanted to escape the conventual fate planned for me by my elders.

Nature loves courage.... And it is Apparently so.

Of course there are so many factors and so much information to divulge to add the proper context to the point im trying to get to in the conclusion of this story. Im afraid id diverge so ill have to return to all that some other day.

Now that you understand where the otter ego within me (pun intended) was teased and entertained as an ideal character for the person i am, its seeds didnt really start sprouting till last year (2019) and its peaked above the mud, i can explain my newly found understanding of the purpose of using this "alter ego" "character" "avatar" to be able to dissolve the borders of my own limitations as a person creating art. To be able to truly entertain these thoughts through the medium of the otter avatar and not as the man, for it has been increasingly difficult for me to be able to contemplate and philosophize with my peers and the community of souls i once accepted as my tribe, in a way of intellectual taste and progress.. Now it seems the bridges between me and the village are dissolving and im trying to understand why. I stand on the side which i believe to be that of the importance of knowledge of self, critical thinking, and responsible skepticism in order to be able maintain reason within the tribe, to perserve that which is most human in our nature, in comparison to the madness we have seen over and over throughout history displaying itself in obvious patterns of repetition that consumed mobs rabidly, making itself its own enemy. Lets use a symbolic metaphor. The snake eats its own tail in the delusions of unity to find when its finished nothing remains but its mind left exposed, and without protection from even the weakest but competent prey.

You see the metaphors are simply the inner poet, using symbolic visual linguistic tools to paint a clearer picture.

We are a story driven organism, just ask the keepers of morality and the stories of god which has defined the basis of our now hypocritical society using it like a crutch too old to withstand the withering of time, frail and ready to snap like a twig beneath ones feet.

As george carlin once said "no one seems to notice, no one seems to care" and every debate that has naturally transpired in my social structures as of late has lead to a point where logical conclusions, non threatening ones at that, lead to the opposing side raising their white flag and settling for mediocrity. "I dont care, leave me alone"

Then the attack on personality and character are used as a defenses to preserve the beliefs already founded due to the uncomfortable nature of growth.

I sit and watch as i always have the flicker, flame and smell of the bridge burning in blazes right before my teary eyed soul.

Am I no longer included, wanted by the collective community? Has my own pursuit for knowledge, understanding, truth and the inner rapture of personal discovery lead me to ruins door? Am i incapable of getting out of my own way? Can you even go to far within yourself?

No one wants me to feel but its not ok to feel nothing at all

To think but, only on the agreeable subjects of status quo

To speak when spoken to but to only speak what is conveniently easy to digest by a still watered mind threatened by the chaos of waves beating on the shores of its shared sands.

Has erosion driven us mad. Have the corrupted springs poisoned our waters too far beyond repair.

Must i reluctantly recluse amidst the tides and hide underneath lonely currents that travel vast desserts beneath oceans.

Pandemics, parks closed, beaches are now illegal to its native children, by a seemingly upset stepdad whos love is equal to obedience and incapable of parenting,it seems theyre now gunning for the fringe, the free, the open, the love expressed through physical incarnation as its own self love for its own existence, through the odd, differnt, freaks, weirdos, mutants, prophets, and visionaries

Why should i fight for those who dont care about their own person their, own freedom.

Why stand for those who wouldnt even stand with you, nor for you.

"Those who trade freedom for security deserve neither"

-Benjamin Franklin

Yet who am i to claim that anyone deserves anything or doesnt. So regardless of the I Dont Care Generation emerging. I choose to care for not what is principles of good or evil but what i intuitively feel is sincere and right. So I must begin with myself and only in following intention will i be able to incite any real change. By making a difficult choice and knowing that it feels as though the risk is worth the gamble.

So now ive heard loud and clear and i have nothing else to let go of but this. So ill hold my tongue and wish for the best. For the eutopia not the the sneaky slip into distopia.

There's nothing further i can do other than create, experiance, enjoy, let go, and face the music, To put it as Alan Watts did, " this doesnt mean you wont jump when you hear the bang, or that you wont feel fear, but youll accept it, and the person who understands the tao in the morning my sleep peacefully at night"

"Once the mind has been extended it cant ever go back"

-Terrence Mckenna

I hope that you know ive accepted the multitudes of possible outcomes for our future, i may be optimistic but i feel prepared, oddly prepared. This isnt a statement or message based on fear but something none the lesse my heart cannot hold in.

So Otter is born so to speak to embody the imagination im trying to let out without it being taken seriously, but sincerely and within the temple of the timeless. Art.

Without it having to be the me, the person, that funny feeling between the eyes that screams out I, who finds himself walking away from flames due to trial and failure in channeling its own expression. I will not desist i just must evolve and create the platform on which i may rebuild. The system updated and the restart brought about change. Now we begin again. Full of breath, with new found vision, i forgive myself for my failures but i wouldnt ever be able to look at my own reflection if i didnt try until i got it right. I vow to myself and olny to myself for thats the only source of validation needed to exist freely, sovereign, that i will do my best to be who i am meant to be, the being and self of my choosing.

"Most people spend their lives trying to find themselves, lifes about creating yourself"

-Bob Dylan

So in conclusion i know im different, and it may be intimidating but you cant just get rid of it, turns out you must overcome it, and the only way out is through and for me that began when i went within.

I am all for the rules, and being apart of this country and its society and obeying social order but as John Locke wrote in "Common Sense" that this is an unspoken agreement between the govenrment and its people that so long as they are just in ruling us" we will have to obey the law but there must be a way for its people to regain its country when tyranny and injustice is getting in the way of democratic processes and this is coming from a almost fully naturalized immigrant that came here to seek safe haven from a Democratic country plagued by unfairness. It would be a pitty to see it happen to a promise land founded of rich ideals. To those ive come to see as my own brothers and sisters, i love the ideal of true patriotism but where has it gone? If i need to be more protective of my personal privacy so that i may be able to practice my philosophical self studies, music, and comedy, to persue basic creative thinking methods openly. Then i choose this mask nit the one i was told to wear since birth. Theres always an person beneath the mask playing into the drama of this darma and we get into yoga with its fun to preten that we loose ourselves and assume the identity of the character portrayed in the scene in order to truly bring the crowd to the edge of its seat in awe and anticipation of the beauty of its poetry that at the end when the play is concluded both protagonist and antagonist join hands and the audience cheers for both equally for the dazzling deception and its cleverness for playing on the emotions of the observer.

Then the cast returns to the green room and become again who they were naturally.

Im 26 and ive found my character and im ready to submerse myself in its divine play and get involved participate, get lost in the mask of the person which is temporary but the spark behind conciousness seems to be the driving energy of existence benevolent, and eternel. Worth gambling so, now we roll the dice and hit the mystery button, just like the amnesia serum we gave ourselves before conception, into the womb we went. Only when you awaken your consciousness in the dream do you get to control the avatar, lucidly.

It doesnt seem to be a requirement, more like an EXPERIANCE badge rewarded for interesting work in the feild.

These again are ideals, not truths, thoughts and patterns worth examining and if capable entertaining till the conclusions and realizations of truth or delusion run their course. If you havent reached that point you havent really thought it through logistically right?

Lets discuss this comment below.

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markleetrashh · 7 years

Text

Nct as Vampires

Request: Hi! Could you do an NCT Vampire au? Like how each of the members would be as a vampire? Thank you! :) I hope I requested correctly

A/N: i was actually thinking of writing a single post for each member but it’d be too many so here’s only a brief summary !! if you want me to emphasise on a specific member please do request again !

Assume that only you know about their identity and they promised not to hurt you as long as you don’t tell anyone else ,, and also you live together with them

–

Taeil:

really chill about his identity

like when you first told him you knew , all he did was get shocked and asked how you knew , then went back to being normal

acts more like a human than a vampire tbh

you don’t even know how he survives because you never actually saw him eat/suck ( is this even right it sounds wrong omg ) any other living things before for their blood

and when you ask him ,

he simply replies with a “ secrets ”

turns out he’s been drinking blood he stole from clueless vampire WinWin’s bottle/jar since they stay in the same room

Hansol:

he’s so quiet and mysterious it’s creepy

like you don’t know when he’d do something dangerous and sudden

so you lowkey stayed away from him even after he promised not to hurt you

but then you realised he’s an actual softie

because you saw him crying over an anime once

yes vampires need entertainment too

so you start opening up to him

and he shares with you about his family and ancestors

like how great of vampires they were

when he goes out to hunt at night though ,

he becomes really serious and you lowkey got scared once because he came back home with blood all around his mouth

then he smiles at you innocently and blankly

and you can’t help but return a fake smile like hansol you’re scaring me get away and wash up first

Johnny:

okay he likes teasing you A LOT

okay maybe more of threatening , not teasing

like one time you were too lazy to cook lunch for him ,

he got super close to you and whispered sarcastically like “ i can’t guarantee you’d still be able to stay up till dinner tonight though ”

and he shows his fangs too like stop johnny what are you doing

so you were left with no choice but to cook for him

he’s such a flirty vampire i cant even

like he got you a black dress and cap one day

and when you asked him why ,

he was like “ you should know we vampires can’t be exposed to sunlight ,, but your beauty and smile’s shining brighter than it so i gotta cover you up ”

go away johnny ew

kidding he’s so hot tbh

Taeyong:

really particular about how he looks and acts

like he’s really ‘elegant’ as a vampire (?) ( does this even make sense omg )

like his cape must be washed and ironed out properly every day before night falls

and he HAS to do it himself

one time you helped him wash and clean it ,

he got so pissed he didn’t come back for two nights

turns out he was living in some kind of abandoned house as a bat

and he couldn’t stand the dust so he had no choice but to come back

he sometimes forgets that you’re human so he shares with you on stories of all the people he’s eaten

and when you’re like “ taeyong that’s too much detail … ”

he gets all jumpy like , “ oh shit i forgot , i’m sorry ”

“ i forgot i got too caught up ”

but he doesn’t really seem different from a human being so you’re not that much bothered by him

Yuta:

okay here we have another flirty vampire

like really really flirty

like one moment you’d just be there watching television ,

then a pair of hands wraps tightly around your hips

“ want me to turn you into one too ? ”

“ no wth yuta what are you doing ”

“ couldn’t resist you ”

“ stop yuta , hands off ”

“ who are you to tell me what to do , i have the powers here ”

“ yeah sure if you don’t let go i’ll move out rn ”

then he lets go right away and pouts like a small kid

he’s really lazy and afraid to go out under the sun so he stays at home like 24/7

and he clings onto you like a leech

disturbing and annoying you as a form of entertainment

Kun:

he’s such an angel though

but you didn’t knew he was a vampire until like 1 month of staying together

because you always wondered why he went out and came home so late in the night

until you saw him drinking some red & thick liquid one day in his cape

you almost screamed and fainted

but kun was nice enough to help you out , and confessed about his identity after

and was like “ don’t worry , i won’t hurt you , you’re too beautiful ”

he didn’t even tell you not to spread it , as he trusts that you will keep it a secret

so sweet tbh

smh why were you born as a vampire not an angel kun

Doyoung:

always shookt and worried that his identity might get revealed

so everytime you come home , the first thing he asks you is

“ did you tell anyone ? ”

“ doyoung of course not they’d think im crazy ”

“ are you sure ? ”

“ yes , i promise ”

then he goes back to acting all confident and laidback like

“ haha what’s there to be afraid of ”

then he turns into a bat and follows you around the next day to spy on you

and he thought you wouldn’t notice but in fact he’s so obvious so you just let him be

Ten:

always curious about the ‘humans’ like ,

“ wow Y/N how does it feel to die ? ”

“ do i look like i’ve died before , ten ? ”

“ hehe idk , im just curious , i’ve been living for like 127 this is not intentional years now ”

“ you’re so old ”

“ but i’m still cute right ?? ”

and he gives you a cute and innocent smile

you wonder if he’s even a vampire

but when he gets ready to go out at night he always has this smirk on his face

and he’d have eye contact with you before he flies off

so rude but you gotta admit he looks good

Jaehyun:

like taeil he’s pretty chill about his identity

his naturally white and fair skin caught your attention first

then he was always hiding in the room first thing in the morning , saying that he had to take his ’ daily medicine ’

turns out it was small cups of blood when you went to check

so when you first asked him he was just like

“ since i trust you , yeah i’m one ”

then he flashed his sharp fangs infront of you

and when he saw your shocked expression he’d laugh to himself , his cute and smol dimples coming back

he actually takes care of you instead , and protects you from other vampires/creatures from attacking

WinWin:

he’s such a soft person you couldn’t believe it when he told you he was a vampire

and he casually mentioned it to you during a conversation

you were shookt for days

“ why are you always so tired in the day ”

“ i don’t sleep at night ”

“ why ? ”

“ we are more active in the dark ”

“ ‘we’ ? ”

“ vampires .. ”

he’s cute and innocent most of the time

but when night time falls he gets really serious and doesn’t come back quickly ,

because he has to find the perfect type and taste of blood which suits him

The minors are all half-vampires instead of 'full’ ones

Mark:

he’s so clueless and adorable he often asks you vampire related questions that you cant even answer , like

“ why do we live forever ? will we never die ? wow that’s cool ”

“ mark i dont know .. ”

“ how am i supposed to take blood out of someone , won’t it hurt them ? ”

“ mark i’m not a vampire idk anything ”

“ oh … sorry ”

he’s so polite and nice he almost starved and fainted because he couldn’t bear to hurt anyone for blood

so you had no choice but to donate your own blood

which also refused to drink ,

but you forced it down his throat , so now active mark is back again

Renjun:

another literal angel why

he tries his best to sustain his hunger by only eating food

but part of him still feels drained because he’s half-vampire after all , he needs blood

so he tried drinking his own one ,

but it made him even sicker

so you had to ask for vampire taeyong’s help because he always had spare bottles of blood

just like that you lectured renjun on keeping his body healthy and fit

and he was like “ sure … but one person that i’d never ever eat is you , even if im dying ”

go reborn as an angel with kun please

Jeno:

he’s always smiling and cheerful , the thought of him being a vampire never once crossed your mind

but when he told you that he’s only half ,

you still got really shocked and speechless ,

and as soon as he noticed he promised not to hurt you

he likes showing you baby photos of himself , the growing process of his small fangs ,

and the way he’d always smile brightly

he likes going on walks with you but he always prepares a cap and a pair of jacket to cover himself , if he gets exposed to the sun too much

Haechan:

such a prankster i cant even

he’d offer to pour you a cup of water ,

then when he comes out with two cups filled with red liquid you’re like ,

“ this better not be blood haechan- ”

“ it is ”

“ what why ”

“ try it , it’s really good ”

“ no donghyuck i cant do this ”

“ shut up and drink it ”

and after a few minutes of arguing ,

“ it’s only some cranberry juice ”

and he also likes joking about turning you into a vampire too

and would use it as an advantage to call you to help him do things

“ help me wash my clothes … if not i might hurt you , idk ”

Jaemin:

a mixture of haechan + winwin

one moment he’d be all soft and positive ,

the other he’s scaring you with his fangs and blood

but he knows when to stop and not scare you too much

he’s also pretty flirty and smooth like

“ if you were a blood type you’d be my favourite ”

“ jaemin that’s not cool , stop ”

“ okay fine you’re my favourite human ”

Chenle:

he’s so happy and loud you didn’t think he was a vampire

and his looks did not help too , as he looked so cute and adorable to you

he slightly teases and joke with you

especially when he reminds you of the face you made when he first told you

your mouth and eyes were wide open and no words were said

he doesn’t really need that much blood so he acts just like a normal human being ,

only sometimes when you notice him getting a bit tired ,

you’d ask him to go eat/replenish on his blood intake and listens to you without fail

Jisung:

like chenle , this baby is still in the process of developing the vampire characteristics ,

so his fangs are still pretty short and he can perform perfectly well even without the intake of blood & under sunlight

so you had absolutely no idea he was one

until he accidentally told you while y'all were talking

and he got so flustered and worried after he realised his confession , he couldn’t sleep peacefully that night

but as soon as you told him you didn’t mind and would not spread it ,

he became to soften up and share more stories of his family to you

#nct #nct u #nct 127 #nct dream #nct au #nct scenarios #taeyong #jaehyun #mark lee #doyoung #taeil #ten #ten chittaphon #johnny #haechan #yuta #winwin #jaemin #jeno #jisung #chenle #renjun #kun #hansol

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whosaysitsfantasy · 7 years

Text

Karamel thoughts

I don’t expect to change anyones mind or start an argument or anything I simply want to put in my own opinion.

I would like to begin by Discussing Mon-el, first off yes I am a karamel shipper, yes I love Mon-el that being said no I don’t think he is perfect and I do think he is severely flawed. Mon-el came from a planet where it was ok to have slaves and where their citizens were put down and him and his family were raised above everyone else. He lived this way for at least 21+ years.

Now no, when you are living in a bad environment you do not necessarily have to become like those around you. People who have abusive parents or alcoholic parents do not have to become like that. That being said It is also 100% possible that those types of situations can effect how you grow up and your view on the world. Mon-el was raised to believe he deserved whatever he wanted, that he should be served. He was raised in an environment that never questioned or really showed any other alternative. For that reason he was a shit person, and he has a LOT to not only be ashamed of but to make up for.

Now when Mon-el came to earth all he knew was what he was taught. upon arriving on earth and meeting Kara and the rest at the DEO he quickly had to learn that what he knew on Daxam was not the only way and may not actually be the right way. Now Mon-el has only been on earth for a short period of time i don’t even think it’s been a year yet.. (correct me if I’m wrong). I think it is going to take longer than a year for him to completely shed 21+ years of a lifestyle he has known.

That being said.. he is clearly and actively TRYING. He’s no where near perfect and he is 100% flawed and sometimes comes across as what yes might seem as abusive, but that being said he isn’t aware of it, he hasn’t had real healthy relationships and he is trying to be better (and no I'm not saying being unaware makes in excusable Im simply saying he is not doing in with malicious intent) What everyone has to realize is Mon-el is not trying to bring Kara down, he does not want to hurt her. He is ashamed of his past, scared of how she might react to the truth because she has made her feelings about Daxam royalty VERY clear and he is still trying to learn. I personally think the hatred towards Mon-el is a little misplaced. Just like Kara and every other superhero Mon-el deserves time to grow and face his past and his mistakes.

Now going onto Kara. I love Kara she’s adorable and sweet and so so good, but that being said if you are naive enough to claim that she is perfect you need to look again.

Kara. Danvers. Is . A . Flawed. Person.(or Alien technically ;P )

just like literally everyone. and now that DOES NOT mean she’s bad or should be hated on. NO. That just means that she is not ALWAYS right. Sometimes Kara is a little self righteous, sometimes she does not always look at every angle. SOMETIMES Kara needs a little help, she has all these powers but theres more to being a super hero then that, even the most powerful person in the world needs support. She is also very prejudice against Daxam. Which is understandable, however that doesn’t necessarily mean that she should just write them off as terrible. Both Krypton and Daxam are flawed races. Just like surprise surprise.. the human race.

Both sides have made bad choices. SO yes, Mon-el lying to her was wrong, however NO he is not evil for it because while Kara is a wonderful person she has made her prejudices towards Daxam very clear so naturally Mon-el would be afraid to tell her the truth JUST LIKE JAMES WAS AFRAID TO TELL HER HE WAS THE GUARDIAN & JUST LIKE M’GANN WAS SCARED TO TELL J’ONN. because Kara god bless her, can be very strong headed. She is very set in her beliefs which isn’t bad but can sometimes be a hinderance. It can prevent her from being open and understanding of those closest to her. Was the lying ok? No. Is it understandable why they did? Yes.

Mon-el was not proud of who he was. He wanted to change and be different because of Kara and because of how she showed him that there is something wrong with the way he lived. Now upon learning this Mon-el has actively started to try and change. He started training with her, and helping the DEO, he got an actual job and tries to be better. Does he fail? yes. But is he trying YES. For this reason saying he is terrible and deserves to rot in hell is incredibly misplaced. Is he very good in their relationship not always no. Why is this? Because he has never been in a real genuine healthy relationship. You cannot hate him because he knows nothing else. Especially when he is actively trying.

Relationships have ups and downs. Sometimes people lie because they are scared, sometimes they don’t treat each other perfectly. The fact of the matter is.. is that Mon-el keeps trying, When Kara shuts him down he learns, and he keeps trying. NOW if its a season or 2 into his role on the show and he’s still trying to side step her anger and he’s still trying to say ‘ok i’m sorry lets just carry on’ then sure start yelling abuse. But don’t tell me that someone trying to change their ways after 21+ years of being groomed a certain way is inherently bad and inherently abusive. Cause in no way does he ever try and tare her down, he actually praises her a LOT and admires her a LOT. & no their arguing doesn't count as him ‘taring her down’ because then she would be considered abusive as well because she has made some pretty cruel comments towards him too. It goes both ways.

Cause trust me. Someone can be abusive, not realize it and then eventually work to change their ways. Specifically with emotional abuse. Relationships can be very hard, and while yes there are TERRIBLE people out there who emotionally abuse people with no remorse there are also people who realize what they have done and work to be better because they never wanted to actively hurt someone in that way.

While no not all abusers should be forgiven. Not all abusers actually care that they are hurting someone. There are people who have abused someone emotionally and not known what they were doing. There are people who have hurt people and have tried to fix themselves and have tried to be a better person because they are not proud of what they have done & because they know it is wrong.

With all of that being said… I personally think it’s good that Karamel has broken up for now. Kara first off needs to learn that everything is not black and white. That sometimes people make mistakes and sometimes she is a little quick to judge. Mon-el needs to realize that everything is not always going to be easy. He needs to realize that his actions have consequences and that he has to really work to listen and respect his significant other if he wants things to work.

I think their time apart can give them both clarity. I think Mon-el needs to grow a little on his own without a relationship so that he can be even better and even healthier when he eventually gets back IN a relationship. He needs to see who he can be without Kara as a girlfriend and without anymore secrets. He needs a little bit more time to grow.

This same storyline happened with J’onn and m’gann and the green and white martians. This idea that your race makes you inherently evil. AS WELL AS lying about it because of how ashamed you are of it. Did we hate M’gann because she lied about her race? Can we really blame someone for being so ashamed of what happened that they should be written off? As well Mon-el’s guard insisted he leave everyone behind.. while yes its definitely something to feel guilty about no, its not all on Mon-el. Also during that situation when there is literally very few things in which he could do and he is frazzled and being rushed out. No you cant necessarily hold it against him. Yes he should feel guilty and should work to make amends for his choices, but I don’t think you can blame someone for making a bad choice in a life or death situation like that.

Anyways.. thats kinda my own thoughts on the subject. I like to stay out of ship wars and arguments. I love all the ships and I love all the characters so I hate everyone hating on one another but I just had to explain my opinion as someone who understand various sides to everyone’s arguments. I refuse to argue about this and I will never participate in hate or endorse it.

So to just end this. If you are against Karamel thats fine, thats your choice but please don’t hate other shippers who like it and don’t tag your hate. and if you are FOR Karamel please don��t hate other shippers who dislike it and don’t attack them or single them out. Also don’t participate in hating on other ships. I really hope I don't get much flack for this lol but yea.. thats all I have to say on the matter.

Lets just all try and be kind to one another. Its what Supergirl would want <3

#Karamel #Supergirl #Mon-el #Kara

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missjackil · 7 years

Photo

One Year.... One year ago this month, I was introduced to these AMAZING gentlemen, and life has never been the same! I don’t recall the exact day it happened, but I do know it was March, 2016,

This is how it started... It was a very cold, snowy winter here in NJ last year, so my life long friend Dawn, my daughter Sarah, and I started binge watching different series on Netflix. Dawn first suggested this show Supernatural, which I had only heard of in passing a few times over the years, but she had watched since the beginning. She said I would love it, the brothers are hot, they hunt monsters and demons, delve a lot into Religion, which is a big interest of mine, I even have a degree in Theology, and am legally ordained. I checked the title on Netflix and saw it had 10 seasons available, and I said “Nah, that’s a pretty big commitment, I dont think I could stay interested in a show that long” then Dawn informed me, that it was still on the air and in season 11. Not my cup of tea, so I declined. She next suggested Nurse Jackie, which was really good, but so easy to burn through. I got the next pick and picked House MD which had been mine, and my daughter Sarah’s favorite series to date. This was a longer series than Nurse Jackie, 8 seasons instead of 7, and hour long episodes, as opposed to half hour. This took almost 2 months to get through. While watching this series again, I would keep commenting how much I loved the bromance between House and Wilson, to wish Dawn would always reply “The you will LOVE Sam and Dean!!” So since she had next pick, I agreed to give Supernatural a try. And this is what happened... *CRASH BOOM BANG <heavy flop>* “Wooooaaah easy tiger” “Dean?” Yeah, these boys are freakin adorable, and Im gonna love this bromance. I thought Dean was hot, and Sam was cute. Too young for me to think he was hot (me being 49 at the time) but I felt like the monsters and a lot of the horror was pretty lame, and sometimes even cheesy, though I did enjoy the chemistry the boys had with each other, and found Sam’s psychic visions to be an interesting element, I didn’t think I would stay interested for very long. For a while, we were only watching 2-3 episodes at a time, a couple times a week when Dawn would come over. Near the end of S1 I told her I didn’t think I wanted to continue. She asked me to PLEASE give it to the end of season 2 and if I still didnt like it, we could find something else. As promised, I did become more interested in S2. The humor was funnier, the acting got better, and the bromance was hotter, and the emotional moments were even more heart breaking. The first episode that left a really big impression on me was Born Under a Bad Sign. Until then, I knew Sam had psychic powers, and his father was worried he would turn dark, and left it on Dean’s shoulders to save him or kill him (good idea John, what the hell) and this episode was probably showing Sam go bad. I didnt want that, I liked the boys and I wanted to like both of them and not have to start thinking of Sam as evil, but he was soooooo creepy in that episode! I was so afraid he was going to rape Jo, fortunately he didn’t, but that “My daddy shot your daddy in the heeeaad” thing gave me the willies! I was so uncomfortable with this “Dark Sam” I thought maybe I couldnt continue. Dawn didnt want me to stop just yet, but didnt want to give me spoilers, she told me “Don’t worry, Sam and Dean are the GOOD guys and Sam is a REALLY good guy” so I continued. When it was discovered that Sam was possessed, I found that very interesting, I didn’t think the boys would ever succumb to the evil things, just kick their asses all the time, though I assumed theyd have their own asses kicked sometimes, I never thought the show would allow the heroes to really suffer.... boy was I wrong huh?? I recall my first noticing that Sam was hot and built like a truck, in Heart, and it was also the first time I really cried. I remember telling Dawn, I will watch it when she comes over but Im watching it on my own too, because now Im much more interested, but I also said “it’s kind of a bummer knowing the boys wont die, that will take away from the suspense and emotional moments when it’s feared they might die, and I remember her giving me this look... she said “trust me, you know nothing”. She was right ... All Hell Breaks Loose 1 & 2 had me sobbing! When Sam dies in Dean’s arms and Dean sobs into his neck, I dont think Ive ever seen such intense, realistic grief on a TV show. And then Dean goes and sells his soul for Sam!! This turned what I thought was a “My brother is my best friend” love into a “Id willingly spend eternity in fire and torment, to have one more year with my brother” love. That was a big turning point for me. I new Id watch it till the end and couldnt wait for those long days off when I could just binge all day long. Then Season 4 happened... I dont know when exactly it happened, or which episode it was, but somewhere early in S4, I discovered the most amazing thing. I woke up one day and realized I am madly in love with Sam Winchester! And to top it off, I was hopelessly addicted and obsessed with SPN! I wont give a rundown of how each season hit me, but its been a crazy, emotional, tragically painful, beautful roller coaster that I have no intentions to ever get off of. By the time I got to S9 and started seeing the episodes dwindle away, I didnt want to finish too fast, yet I wanted to keep binging, so thats when I decided to start rewatching. ration out the newer episodes so I dont finish too fast, and binge the ones Ive already seen, and Ive done that continiously since then, and that was in May. By the end of June, I had watched everything on Netflix and purchased all of S11 On Demand and just kept finishing and starting over, rinse, repeat. What I have learned... I mean no disrespect to Dean, I love him... but, if he ever says “As long as Im around, nothing bad is ever gonna happen to you” ... just RUN!! He said this to Sam in S1 and things just unraveled fast for poor Sam. I dont think there are many bad things LEFT that haven't happened to Sam, and we still have at least 2 more seasons to go!!! To me, Sam is the most beautiful, kind, selfless, brave character ever. Yet, he can be a little selfish on occasion, but if you needed any of the duct tape and safety pins that hold him together, he wouldnt think twice about giivng them to you. He is scared fairly often, but it’s never stopped him from facing any big bad monster life could hand him.Season 10 was definitely not his most attractive season (that hair?? WHAT??) and if you piss him off, he can viciously sting with his words at the very least, or be brutally lethal with his hands when need be. He is a full on nerd, but not the least bit pretentious about it. He doesnt think he is better than anyone, and maybe even not as good as most. He is brilliant, but wont ever make you feel stupid. He is the sweetest, kindest gentleman you’ll ever meet, but 100% badass as well. But most of all. he loves Dean with everything in his life. He will never leave him (again) for anyone. If he ever finds a significant other, they will have to accept him and Dean as One person. Package deal and thats it. To me, Dean is a rock. He rarely ever changes, This isn’t a bad thing. This compliments Sam, who is ever changing. Dean doesn’t live inside his head. He expresses his feelings more physically than with words, though he isnt one to mince words if you need to hear it. He’s emotional, not afraid to cry, but maybe afraid of who he allows to see it. He’s not perfect, he has made a lot of poor choices for himself and for Sam as well, but never with any ill intent (other than when influenced by a Supernatural force) He is a sweetheart, who unfortunately carries too much baggage. In Regarding Dean I feel like I met the REAL Dean that is lost under decades of pain, lossm and never ending violence. He can piss me off big time, but I forgive him because Sam does, and the most important thing in his world is Sam. There is nothing he wouldnt do, nor lines he wouldnt cross for Sam, and I believe he would give Sam anything in his power if Sam would simply ask. What I think of the side characters Cas, Crowley, Rowena, Bobby, etc.. all good characters who bring a lot of interest to the show, but none are strong enough characters to have their own storylines apart from Sam and Dean. Their side stories arent very interesting. I would watch a show that was only Sam and Dean (which is what I prefer) but I wouldnt watch a show that was only Cas or Crowley or whomever. They should support Sam and Dean and thats it, in my opinion.

What I have learned about the Fandom... Supernatural is the Holy Reaches of Heaven to them and they are Religions. Separate groups of individuals, expressing their love for the show and the characters in different ways. Some SPN religions are open and accepting, and some are vicious and hateful. Everyone gets different things from different parts of the series, but some of these religions, think their thoughts are the best and only True Canon even when sometimes, their thoughts are not canon at all. There are some fun, silly, kind loving fans in the SPN Family, and I have met a few, but Ive also seen some unnecessarily hatefull, mean spirited individuals who I cant consider family. SPN belongs to me, and it belongs to you. Take from it what you take from it... blog your blogs, go meta crazy, ship your ships, and write the shit out of fan fic... but please dont belittle and berate those who think differently. It is a ficitonal show, no one is going to go to Hell or be arrested for their views on it. If you don’t like it, dont watch it, but let those who do still love it, like myself, enjoy it while they can. Don’t go trying to hurt our feelings with “It should end!!” because someday it will, we know this, but we want it to live on for as long as J2 are happy to do it, and even then, it’s gonna hurt like the death of a loved one to see it go, so try to be more considerate okay? If you stayed to read ALL of this, You are precious to me :) and thank you!

#supernatural #1 year anniversary #many years to come

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