#but unfortunately you will have to deal with the fact that we fucking love morally dubious idiots and we also fucking love Situations
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Winning a prize personally by being someone's "well, this trope isn't usually my style, but i know this author is Really Good at writing so i'll check it out anyways" author
#we speak#if you are the person we're talking about here: points at u. <3<3<3#at some point we will post works that are slightly more fluffy#but unfortunately you will have to deal with the fact that we fucking love morally dubious idiots and we also fucking love Situations#at all times we are looking between our works where bad things happen and our works where its just a passive Emotion Swirl#and then picking Bad Things Happen bc we think its fun#eventually we will get around to fluffier stuff we're just allergic to not swirling in a few bonus emotions#we are sorry but we have tried! we cannot write straight fluff. we need smth extra to make it interesting#otherwise our brain simply Does Not latch on#we salute the brave fluff makers out there for being capable of creating straight up fluff its not generally our style and we dont know#how to make it#is it really a tender moment if u do not get there through daring ur friend to eat u while still like 50% sure u might die#perhaps with a tiny bit of the impulsive want of “if im going to risk death then its gonna be at the claws of someone i love”#we think not. also bc something something love we find the need to note our vi is Very Aro. this is due to The Aro Anxiety#us writing anything about love: but what if they think its... ROMANTIC??? oh gods the horrors the horrors#that said we do not think team snakemouths relationship fits into any relationship definition#and if we ever write a relationship chart for whatever reason their dynamic will be listed as “team snakemouth”#right next to mothiva and zasps “in love and incapable of not being weird abt it” and levi and celias “married (immigration purposes)"#they sure are team snakemouth. people look at them and go “thats team snakemouth all right”.#you could ask thirty different people and get thirty different answers as to their relationship and they would all be wrong#anyways. we've derailed somewhat. we are part of the *checks*#...77.1% of the whump community that is aspec and we like to do funky fresh pain things#alas it is one of the many things that must be tolerated about us and our writing. however if u follow us ur probably fine#we are most obnoxious on our tumblr blog where u have to choose to enter bc we are secure in the knowledge that u can leave at any time#we dont need to tone ourself down here! theres a bunch of buttons u can use to choose our volume for urself! its fucking great!#gods we love being obnoxious on the internet it is SO much fun. more people should do this#its also fun to post things abt fics that we may not finish for months at a time. we love to do that#we will get around to all of our works eventually but the wait will be Long. in the meantime u get to see us talking abt how cool we are
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may I ask if you have any fic recs handy?? dw if not
Hmmm, well, let's see, what have I read recently that I especially liked . . .
. . . oh okay yeah I got way too into this, lol. wELP, such is life!!
Eyes Like Kryptonite, by dragonez. Supercorp. Lena Luthor gets an either time or dimensionally-displaced Kryptonian on her balcony who inexplicably seems to think a Luthor can help him, and then she has to deal with that. Kara does not love this development (but definitely loves Lena) and Conner just wants to get home to his family.
I Want It That Way, by WynterSky. TimKon. I cannot even explain to you how good this fucking fic is. Just--TimKon, but make it 90's. Why are you still here? Go read it. Go read it NOW.
Catherine/Bruce Medieval AU, by iselsis and PotatoLady. Catherine/Bruce, past Catherine/Willis. What it says on the tin, and also omegaverse. I am WAY too into this fic, hah, "Bruce saves Catherine and takes in her and Jason both" is so, so small a genre but so, so GOOD a genre. [ tw: past rape ]
You and me and them. Let's be pack. Let's show the world we chose each other, by Ace_of_Hearts4444. TimKon. Tim finds out Kon is a newly-presented stray omega in an AU where being packless is a Big Fucking Problem and Young Justice has some fucking FEELINGS about that fact.
The tale of a cat who stole a diamond boy, by Ace_of_Hearts4444. TimKon. I'm not really into "Tim is Stray/Catlad" AUs, but I am VERY into this TimKon concept. Also, like yes, obviously Tim is exactly unhinged enough to do this.
in the shadows, by Kieron_ODuibhir. Batman was Bruce Wayne's imaginary friend, but now he's Dick Grayson's. I could cut a bitch for more of this concept, oh my GOD. 💔
A Hummingbird Suspended, by poisonivory. Thad/Match. Thad gets out of the Speed Force and wants to fuck shit up, but unfortunately Match is very attractive and has even more unfortunately grown some morals.
Gut Feeling, by Ao3time. Lois finds a superclone in a lab and welp he's hers now. No takebacksies.
With Violet Light, by Evilpixie. Jason Todd wants to blow up the Batmobile and ends up a Star Sapphire. There's, uh, an adjustment period.
This isn't how things are supposed to go. But we've always been unorthodox., by RenkonNairu. Superbat, TimKon. Kryptonian omegas are not the same as human ones, and human alphas are not the same as Kryptonian ones. And therefore Bruce Wayne and Tim Drake are having a fucking time of it with Clark Kent and Conner Luthor, and Lex is just doing his damnedest to ruin as much shit as he possibly can. [ tw: rape ]
Talk That Slick Talk, by thebodydies. Kenan/Kon. Kenan meets a weirdly friendly stranger who's apparently trying to pick him up. Kon is literally just wearing fucking glasses, man. Also I desperately need more of this pairing, especially in this interpretation, please and thank you. [ this is just smutty kinky smut and you should immediately go bask in it ]
( annnnnd not-DC-but-still-superheroes bonus round!! )
I wanna be that guy (the girl under you), by Stackthedeck. SpideyTorch. Peter Parker/Johnny Storm + kink = gender?? [ more kinky smut for you to go bask in!! ]
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The Story of Minglan
Oh, Minglan.
This is what happens when you take the attitude of "It's no big deal if my husband sleeps with morally questionable other women." 🙄
I am fully on his side on this issue but I feel like hasn't done a good enough job of expressing just how disgusting he personally finds these concubines that everyone keeps trying to force on him. Minglan has been brainwashed by the patriarchy and it will take her a while to find her ground and feel secure enough to put her foot down, but what is stopping him from advocating for himself?
My guy, just say NO.
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LMAO, he's the ruthless and stupid one?
Chang'er's death is his fault? I cannot with this evil narcissist.
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Fuck you.
Maybe if your garbage ass had not kidnapped him, he wouldn't have gotten sick. And if he had, they would have been able to afford a doctor.
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I hope he really rips her limb from limb.
The more I see of her and of Lin Qinshuang, the more valid I find Mo Ran for deep-frying fucking Song Qiutong.
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Unfortunately, Minglan talked him out of torturing her to death 😕
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LOL, let's hope that at least the piece of shit maternal uncle gets tortured.
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Please tell me we will get to see a beheading 😭
I am so sick and tired of these people. They have been trying to murder Gu Tingye for fifty episodes now. I am so done 😭😭
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I love it when cats make guest appearances in dramas 💙
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Hell person.
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In general, I am not pleased with how this story has handled Manniang and her children. It all seems sanitised and on easy mode for Minglan because the true circumstances of him having this whole family before marrying her diminishes the romance as it is and making it any more realistic would probably have snapped a lot of people out of rooting for the main couple because they could no longer idealise it.
I mean, look at this:
If this show was realistic, the odds are that Rong-jie, with a vindictive, abusive, neglectful biological mother who abandoned her like this, would have taken all that trauma out on Minglan because this is how kids tend to react in such situations. She would have given her stepmother hell because she was there and a convenient target, while the narcissistic, toxic, neglectful bio mother was not.
Also, killing Chang-er is the writers taking the easy way out because now they have eliminated Gu Tingye's eldest son and possible heir from competing with Minglan's children for the title and the wealth. It's such a cop-out. With Chang-er in the picture, the only way Minglan's children could inherit would be if Gu Tingye refused to acknowledge him as a son, which would absolutely destroy his image and tank the character in the eyes of the viewers.
This way, Minlgan's children get all the benefits without her having to fight for them at the detriment of Tingye's older children and Tingye gets to preserve his image of a doting and responsible father, putting all the negative connotations of his irresponsible first common-law marriage onto the evil Manniang. Gu Tingye and Minglan maintain their noble images and Manniang is scapegoated to enable this. It just leaves me feeling a lot of ick.
It may be unfair of me, but I respect the writing on this show a whole lot less because of these decisions. The truth is, overall, this drama is better written than 99% of other dramas so I feel extremely weird getting hung up on this and letting it get so magnified in my head, but I feel like the fact that the rest of this drama is so realistic and well-written works against them here. There are standards here that were set and I am expecting the rest of the story to proceed on that level, but these standards are no longer being met because meeting them implies compromising the untarnished image of the main characters. It is so convenient and such an obvious cop-out, that I genuinely feel swindled and somewhat salty about it.
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So selfish and so fucking evil.
What did Rong-jie ever do to her?
She is the one who abandoned her, she's the one who took the boy out and caused his death. She will just blame anyone except herself for her shit selfish decisions.
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WTF.
Rong-jie is going to need so much therapy, which is unfortunately not a thing in Song Dynasty China.
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Fucking finally, some good decisions.
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Oh, yeah, Xiaotao and Shito are definitely a thing.
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So gorgeous 🧡
Definitely a potential reference pic.
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She is the poster child for an untreated personality disorder.
I'm so glad I live in the XXI century where mental health care is available, not that it prevents a whole lot of people from still acting like this and blowing up entire lives.
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Don't you worry, evildoer, your comeuppance is also coming!
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Idk I too want better for Casca but I really dislike the hype for Casca potentially becoming an apostle, these users put it far better than i would:
https://www.tumblr.com/deripmaver/723418827650727936/why-i-am-a-hater-of-the-apostle-casca
https://www.tumblr.com/deripmaver/723493450382802944/im-so-happy-to-find-another-casca-apostle-hater https://
I skimmed these posts to see whether there were any points made that I felt like "responding" to, and there's a few.
First, Casca being a good person has nothing to do with anything except people not wanting her to become a monster, which I obviously don't vibe with because I think the concept of a good person becoming a monster fucks hard, which is one reason I like Berserk a whole lot. And I think a potential Moonbaby sacrifice would fit perfectly with one of the "good person" sacrifice examples they give: the 'person you loved the most and hated the most' sacrifice motivation, since it's intertwined with Griffith in some metaphysical way and it could be a two for the price of one deal. It's almost too on the nose.
Second, I don't think it necessitates Casca joining Griffith. Griffith seems to be out of the Godhand now, incarnated on the physical realm, presumably no longer presiding over sacrifices, and my favourite worldbuilding pet theory is actually that the godhand and Griffith will be at odds. Something's gotta threaten the godhand's existence since something wiped out the last cycle that we saw in Skull Knight's memory, and an incarnate fifth that appears right on schedule seems like just the thing.
Third, Casca's apostle trauma is, if anything, a sign in favour of her becoming an apostle since like, everyone in Berserk is at least tempted to symbolically become their abuser/rapist/nemesis as part of gaining power, eg:
Why can't Casca get in on the interesting and complicated moral and emotional greys here? This is good shit, I want it for Casca. I want her to be tempted to become what she fears, to escape her own sense of powerlessness through abandoning her morals. It's just a more direct version of Guts wanting to become a monster since that's rooted in rape trauma and both the narrative and Guts himself equates monsters to both his rapist and abuser.
I didn't see them mention the fact that apostles are compelled to love Griffith which to me seems like one of the best arguments against it (though again, I skimmed so maybe I missed it), but Ganishka resisted that, and Casca has a long history of repressing her love for Griffith so I think it could actually be a neat, and overcomeable extension of her human feelings.
Another big and better argument against it, particularly after the last couple chapters, is that Miura clearly just did not give a shit about Casca lol. And I mean I already knew that, one reason I thought the apostle Casca theory held water is that it would be a way for Miura to avoid writing Casca's trauma realistically and instead veer into one big dramatic moment followed by fantastical metaphor while keeping her a less nuanced plot point, albeit a more active and fun one than she had been so far. Instead his way of avoiding writing Casca's trauma realistically was to have her faint any time she thinks about it and then take away her personality AGAIN. So yeah, unfortunately I just don't think Miura wanted Casca to be badass and actively affect the plot. Idk if he ever knew what to do with her after deciding not to kill her off just to motivate Guts post-Eclipse.
Finally I just don't know if there's really time for that anymore. My vision was an Empire Strikes Back style end of second act downturn. Casca becomes a monster and sets a new arc in motion, Guts falls into despair and succumbs to the armour, shit gets real and interesting again for a while. Instead Guts' second act downturn is being mad that Griffith is still a god lol. She could definitely still go apostle at the climax of the story, and you better believe I'm still rooting for that, but idk if it'd be as satisfying lol. But I guess we'll see.
Anyway yeah you're free to disagree with any of my hot takes, but you're not gonna convince me Casca shouldn't become an apostle, because my reasoning ultimately boils down to "I would enjoy it." I would certainly enjoy it a hell of a lot more than fainting damsel in distress Casca which is what we're dealing with right now lol. If your reasoning boils down to "I would not enjoy it" then I probably won't convince you either, and that's fine. We'll find out what's going to happen eventually.
And finally I want to err on the side of caution and make it clear that I have no interest in arguing with the user you linked, and I hope you're not planning to be like, some kind of anonymous go-between linking posts back and forth. I used the linked posts as a bouncing off point to explain some of my reasoning, and that's the end of it as far as I'm concerned.
#character: casca#theme: speculation#theme: behelit#theme: sacrifice#theme: inner monster#ask#anonymous#theme: revenge#a#b#also at the end of the day there is still the question of 'who the hell else is gonna use the behelit?'#guts has his armour he's spoken for in terms of manifesting inner darknesses#anyone else would need their motivation to be both established and executed between now and then which feels intrinsically#unsatisfying to me and a waste of a lot of time we could've been spending on foreshadowing#the exception being serpico who has motivation if farnese dies lol which lbr would suck. and who would he sacrifice?#casca is the only character with a thoroughly established reason to despair plus 3 potential readily available sacrifices#(moonbaby griffith and farnese) plus heaps of ominous foreshadowing surrounding her#plus hey she just got an animal motif to utilize
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hi hello tell me more about spiderman davey.
SO GLAD YOU ASKED AHHH
*miles morales voice* Let’s do this one last time:
At the end of the year of his Junior year in high school, students with the highest science and math grades get invited to a field trip to see Oscorp or whatever the newsies equivalent of that would be (I don’t have all the answers unfortunately) and Davey goes and gets bitten by a spider blah blah we KNOW the deal
The summer before Senior Year is uneventful, just hot lazy days spent saving for college, working at Mr. Jacobi's bodega-slash-deli with his best friend Jack Kelly (who have been inseperable since the sixth grade) (if Davey has been secretly in love with him for as long as he can remember THAT IS HIS BUSINESS), Oh, and branching out into vigilantism, saving the city from imminent danger and petty crime, figuring out his new powers, etc. ya know, the ush.
The fall semester rolls around and Davey's friends have made their opinions on the friendly nieghorhood spiderman very clear. Katherine loves anything her dad hates, on principal, and thinks the articles he writes trying to paint him as a villain are distasteful. Race thinks Spider-Man is badass. Charlie admires the heroics. Most surprisingly, though, Jack isn't his biggest fan because "I kick some guys ass for beating on Charlie and I could get sent to juvie. He does it and he's a hero?"
Davey tries to stay neutral about it all because duh he's spiderman and no one can know. When Oscar and Morris push him around he obvs COULD take any of them to the floor but he wouldn't because he doesn't want to draw attention to himself. (Jack, after Oscar pushes Davey into the lockers: TRY THAT AGAIN AND YOU'LL BE SEEING THROUGH A BLACK EYE BIIIITCH)
One day they're at Mr. Jacobi's. Davey is at the register while Jack stocks up. Davey's spidey-senses go off and he asks Jack to cover for him for a bit. Jack is wary because Davey's been... off and unusually disfocused, flaky these past few weeks, but he's come to expect it. So he agrees. Davey goes off to fight some super down the road or smth and in his absence, Jack gets robbed.
Davey returns to work to see a stranger pointing a gun at Jack and swings into action (literally) and saves Jack as Spider Man.
Spider Man leaves before Jack can properly thank him and wouldn't you know it Davey is suddenly back on the scene and "Oh my GOD you got ROBBED?? Are you oka--WAIT THE SPIDERMAN SAVED YOU?"
And suddenly Jack has changed his tune when it comes to Manhattan's fave super hero.
Which. If Davey's being honest, he doesn't mind hearing Jack gush about him at length (even is he doesn't know it's... him). Davey kind of likes listening to Jack's ravings of "Oh he was so funny, actually. You'd think someone like that would have an ego but he was actually so humble?? God, and he's TALL--the pictures I get of him for The World don't do him justice." He doesn't mind it.
At first.
Because as we all know, when Jack Kelly puts his mind to something he will NOT shut the fuck up about it and he has been dead set on trying to meet spiderman again so he can "thank the guy properly". In fact, Jack's dumbass has been so distracted by his infatuation with spiderman that he's been walking into traffic, taking wrong turns on his walk home and ending up in dicey neighborhoods, and thank GOD Davey's always with him to prevent disaster because--
"Wait a second. Are you TRYING to get into trouble so spiderman will come and save you again?"
"ppppssshhh whaaaat? No! That's stupid--"
(that is 100% what Jack is doing.) (It doesn't work. For obvious reasons.)
And Davey laughs in disbelief like "I can't with you. Be safe on your shift. I'll see you tomorrow." BUT HOHOHOOOOO my boy has PLANS and you will NEVER GUESS who the fuck shows up to Jack's shift at Mr. Jacobi's that evening? Yeah it's spiderman.
Jack thanks him and they get to talking "Thanks for what you did. Not every day the guy you spent the last six months shit talking saves your ass."
Davey Jacobs can't stick up for himself at school, for fear of being found out. Even before that, he could never find the nerve to fight back to the Delancey brothers, or to tell Jack how he really felt. But with when he puts the mask on? Hoooooo boiiii he has the freedom to be the version of himself he;s always wanted to be: he's witty against these idiot villains and charismatic with the people he saves. So with his newfound courage he says:
"Not every day I save someone as handsome as you."
And that's where Davey went wrong because if Jack was annoying before, he's INSUFFERABLE now, and their lunch table can't go a single day without Jack bringing up his date that wasn't a date with spiderman and Race insinuates Jack might have a little crush and Davey snaps: "Can we please just shut up about that stupid bug?"
and it's Race, who is a little shit, so he smirks. "I though you liked old spidey?"
"in moderation."
and now Davey is jealous of himself. which is totally fun and enjoyable and not miserable at all.
Despite wishing he had the strength to be the person he was behind the mask without it, Davey finds himself visiting Mr. Jacobi's as spiderman more and more often, just to hang out with Jack. He loves it, because he loves Jack. But it's also sort of sad in a sense because he realizes in the half a year he's spent being spiderman, he hasn't had time to be a kid. To spend time running the school newspaper with Katherine. To sit on the rooftop of Davey's apartment with Jack and watch the city below them and talk about their future--about the apartment they're going to get together one day, where Davey will write for one of the local newspapers and Jack will fill the walls with his art.
And as much as he loves spending time with jack as spiderman, he can't help but mourn the loss of the little he gets with him as Davey. He can't help but notice the growing distance, and it's all his fault. HIs grades are slipping, he's losing his best friend, and honestly, he isn't even sure he's really making a notable difference in the city. And even though Davey's wearing a literal mask, Jack has always been able to see right though him.
"What's wrong?"
And Davey tries to lie. "Nothing."
"You know, you remind me of my best friend."
"How so?"
"He's a terrible liar, too."
And Davey lets it out--in his own, vague way. "I just... I've got the--powers. The suit. The mask. But underneath it all... I don't feel like much of a hero. When I go home tonight, I'm still going to be just an idiot kid who is way in over his head."
And that's when Jack takes spiderman by the hand and leads him to the alley behind the deli. "I wanna show you something."
and Davey's breath catches in his throat at the mural before him--spiderman with a million colors dancing around his silhouette. And Jack takes Davey's gloved hands. "You might not agree, but this is how New York sees you. How I see you." And Davey is SO overwhelmed he tries to run away but Jack grabs his hand, pulls him close, slides his hands under the bottom of his mask--
"I--" Davey tries to protest.
"Don't worry," Jack assures him. "I ain't gonna take it off, I just... If I don't do this I'm gonna regret it for the rest of my life."
And then Jack slides Davey's mask up to his nose and kisses him.
"Well don't you just look like the cat that caught the canary," Katherine says to Davey at the courtyard the next morning. "You finally tell Jack you're in love with him."
Davey rolls his eyes. "Sure. And I also found the holy grail this morning before school."
"Okay, strike one for me. No to the feelings. You finally tell him you're spiderman?"
"I mean, I've thought about it, but at this point I think it'd do more harm than--" and then Davey realizes. He looks at Kath, who looks just as surprised as he does.
"Hoooooly shit. I mean... I thought--you're always running off, and at the football game when that sand guy--no one could find you, but you're actually--!"
He claps a hand over her mouth. "Don't tell Jack."
and tbh that's all that I've got BUT other misc stuff I figure:
Medda would be the Uncle Ben character (which PAINS me, but could also tie in to Jack's waryness of spiderman??)
Jack works for The World as a photographer, but after developing his crush convinces Pulitzer to let him take pictures of spiderman
There's a Big Bad B-Plot but idk what lmao
ANGST!! Davey being sad about Jack being in love with SpiderMan but not with Davey because my boy would overthink the SHIT out of this
A conversation between SpiderMan and Jack where Jack brings up Davey "Davey's my... We're best friends." "And... that's all?" (is jack BLUSHING???) "I uh, it's not like that. We... I love him to death, but he's been so. Weird lately. Pulling away. I wanna talk to him, but. He ain't like me. He's smart. He's going to college. He's the greatest guy I know, but... guys like me don't end up with guys like him." cue more Davey overthinking
Katherine, after finding out, becomes Davey's "guy in the chair"
Katherine and Davey get secretive bc. hero shit. and Jack thinks they're secretly dating "You know, Davey... If you and Kath are in love, you can tell me" Davey: ????? "What gives you that impression?" "You two are always sneaking off. It's pretty obvious." "I--no. it's not like that at all--" "Well it sure seems like that" "Why do you even care? Aren't you going steady with the bug guy?" "His name is--" "You don't even know his name! You don't know the first thing about this guy and you're mooning over him like some fanboy." "Yeah, well I know he's there when I need him!" "What's that supposed to mean?" "Don't act like you don't know. Like you haven't spent the last few months prepping to leave me here, while you're over in princeton or yale or wherever the hell you're going off to." "The fact that you think I could ever go on without you-- Jack how do you not know..." "Not know what?" "Nothing..."
Eventually Big Bad would find out Davey's identity and use Jack against him and there's a Big Battle at the end where Jack has to watch spiderman get the crap kicked out of him and the mask slowly falls off and when Jack realizes it's Davey he just LOSES IT
I have no idea how this ends :)
THAT'S ALL I GOT FOR NOW FOLKS
#jack kelly#davey jacobs#newsies#uksies#javid#javey#javid newsies#livesies#ask#asks#somanywords#WOW THIS GOT LONG I AM SO SORRY#i'll never write this because i have so many wips and i do not have the talent for it BUT GOD IF I DID I WOULD#spiderman!davey
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I feel like there are two almost opposite takes on the sermon on the mount in Christian influenced progressive spaces: one in which it’s used as proof of the hypocrisy of their oppressors, and another where it’s used as a form of oppression to police thoughts and perpetrate a purity culture that leaves no aspect of your life alone.
and to that I have to say: if you’re using the sermon on the mount as anything but a ‘hey stop being so self righteous that you think you’re above other people morally and you get to judge them and base your social standing on it’ you’re being extremely unrealistic about the capability of any human to live a life of kindness and respect for others. if you had someone imply that following all the principles of the sermon on the mount is possible, achievable and something to aim for, I’m sorry. Do yourself a favour and don’t listen to anything that person says; in fact turn the sermon on the mount back on them to see their hypocrisy, and realise, none of this has any power over you.
the sermon on the mount was given early in the gospels before Jesus spends 10+ chapters telling the religious leaders of the time not to be so up themselves and think they’ve got it right and have the right to exclude others from a closeness to God because of it. and constantly showing them up by displaying the love people they thought of as sinners and outcasts could have for God. it was given to the Jews in AD 30, at which point if you were listening to it you were likely in one of two camps*: 1) someone who knew you’d fucked up and was constantly reminded of that in society and oh it was liberating to hear that you’re no worse than those people who think they’re better than everyone else or 2) someone who based their entire identity around Not Fucking Up and Being Godly and would probably built their rules around what is possible for me is good and I do random extreme things to please God like washing my hands 10000 times but I bend the rules about helping the poor to the bare minimum because I can’t deal with the idea that I might not be The Best and is in power so everyone else has to be judged against their rules—who Jesus is trying to be like ‘actually your rules are dumb look at all the stuff you missed, you don’t actually care about the heart of what pleasing God is about’
*there would be people there who felt shame for other things like being childless was a big one for women and unfortunately this is hard to neatly put in a category as this would be likely perceived as ‘I fucked up and God is punishing me’ but these people actually did nothing wrong explicitly and we really do need to talk about how the things we consider ‘sin’ don’t really apply to oppressed people groups at least not in the same way
and so if we take it into our lives today with any other message than ‘destigmatise sin and don’t ever expect yourself to do everything perfectly and so as a result you can be kind to someone you see sinning as you are to yourself’ (which when applied with the rest of the gospels is actually you don’t have to worry about fucking up and not being perfect Right Now or Ever because God knows how you work and Jesus took care of it in case you need any more proof he wants you to forgive yourself for whatever you feel ashamed for, instead focus on to the best of your ability showing this same attitude to the people around you especially if they don’t believe they’re worthy of that), if you do anything else with this passage than use it to call out those who think they are morally superior and comfort those who feel shamed and outcast, you are going to hurt people. It’s a powerful passage! And unfortunately it’s been used to isolate people with intrusive thoughts or anyone who gets horny or people with trauma backgrounds who can’t just ‘forgive’ and maybe don’t think they’ll be free while their abuser is alive. Unfortunately people it’s meant to call out have not been called out by it and people it’s meant to comfort have been called out instead.
and I know yeah, we all have our own takes on it. but I’m sorry, if you truly think it’s possible to follow all its rules to the EXTREME way it paints it you take it literally you are so naive and please go check your privilege and stfu. and idk how else there is to take it?? symbolically? even if you do that you know it’s calling out the oppressors right? because of their religious hypocrisy?? I hope that’s obvious because we have a lot of religious hypocrites going around trying to shame people for their intrusive thoughts and trauma and mental illnesses and sexuality while trying to pretend ??? they aren’t in the same boat I guess?? and there’s no sweeter and also often more effective thing to do sometimes than turn their own standards against them. you are allowed to do that if someone is hurting someone else btw!!! and if you don’t think people are getting hurt by it. also please check your privilege
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( 𖤘 ) ▸ love you enough : scaramouche x fem! reader !
y/n went through a lot with her past relationship , you can even call it a relationshit ! she harbored quite the few negative inkling with her , but that doesn't mean she's still hung up on him ! it just , hurts , the hurt enough to stick in for scaramouche , to deal with !
( !!! ) mentions of indirect suicide attempts ! uhhhh traumatizedreader ?! reader loves icecream , afraid of thunders ! kind & loving scara ! ooc scara (?) cheating again ! potentially can be but i dont think so ; angst-y oneshot !! MODERN au ! 3.4k words !!
YOU HEAR THE DOORBELL DiNG . you immediately pull your tongue back in before you could even bite it . shutting off the laptop with one considerably harsh slam , you tossed it on the mess atop your bed , hurrying to get your coat and sprinting to the front door to slip in your shoes , mouthing multiple just a minute ! for the person on the other side to hear . he simply stops the continuous dinging and you felt your breathing slowly pacing itself back to usual .
breathing out one more time , you clutch at your purse and whispered . "One more day , Y/n . One more day ." pushing the buttons to enter the code by what machinery sorcery there was by the door , you hear the usual clink in which signaled for you to turn the knob to the side . Certain pair of indigos burying themselves into your e/c , you flash him a smile . "You're here early ."
rolling his eyes , he steps back , scoffing . "Are you ," he started , his usual sharp voice of knives and small daggers somehow melting into a putty puddle of melted iron . "Hm ?" you urge him on , "We can just stay in today ." he finally says , which you immediately shake your head at , hands waving at front of his face as if to further push in your declining of the idea .
"No , no , no ! Didn't I promise we'd finally be able to get to spend some quality time together today ?" as odd as it is that you're dating him , it's odder for him to be considerate . even to you , his girlfriend of 3 years . though of course , you were undeniably tired , having nearing graduating and cramming for a thesis , and as reasonable as it is to him to consider letting you have some rest instead , it was evident enough these last few weeks , raging to nearing the count of amounting to a month , how little time it is you two have spent together .
of course , he comes by your apartment to give some barely even there moral support sometimes , but it doesn't change the fact that even though that sort of visit lasts for almost 8 hours , all that ever occurs during those turn of 60 minutes , is him not being able to be spared even a glance from you whom got your head all stuck on the screen .
he eventually stopped coming over around a week of the same thing happening . you miss his frequent calls , and when you do have time to call him , he's already sleeping . the last time you got him finally caught within your grasp , sight and ears all of that aligned , was two days ago in the uni . after passing your parts to your leader to the thesis , coincidentally he was having a nice leisure talk with some woman by the fountain .
you think nothing of the woman at all despite how he was smiling , a whole lot at her . which is again , oddest of the odd , he rarely ever smile . maybe it was because you weren't able to have proper sleep or even meal those times that you didn't even have the time and fuck to spare to think about that .
he doesn't say anything about how you two barely connected at all for a whole month , waved the girl bye with a smile . and that kinda rips your unfortunate indifference apart . why was he smiling at other women like that ? he used to say he hated doing that the most , makes you feel special because even with such statement , the moment you wake up beside him , that small smile graces your wokening .
you suddenly remember how impulsive it was to ask him out on a date then and there that day . and how he looks somehow reluctant of it until you laid out all the possible reasons of why , how , what makes it important to go on a date as soon as possible . he ended up agreeing to it in the end . though grumbling and totally denying of the idea at first .
"Cinema ?" you mouth , the date have been agreed on to go by his plans . he hasn't given you a hint at all of what you were going to be doing or where you would be going but you didn't at all think it'd be the cinemas of all places . he hates crowded places . he has already gotten that fact dug on your mind so well throughout the years . with that , you look at him , a look of worry and wonder mixing like mochi into your eyes , sticky and persistent as it gleamed enough for him to feel it by the side of his eyes . "Hn ? Yeah , cinemas . Didn't you say you want to watch this shit last time ? Here we are ."
pointing at the poster of some animated movie you did say you wanted to watch , he speaks of it like he had no prior plans at all and just dragged you here with that in mind to make up for it . still , it felt nice to know he listens to your pointless random ramblings . "You don't want to ?" he tilts his head a bit to meet your dazed gaze , hold on your hand tightening . "I'm just , super happy you remember I said that ."
"You're worth the trouble ."
though so monotone , the flat of his voice calmed your ferocious oceanic waves of anxiousness as you sigh . "Hm hm , love you . Let's go ? We'll miss the trailers ." he nods , as you walk ahead and he hold the popcorn on one free hand . not expecting how you started slowly running to said destination , "You'll trip if you run—"
you just laugh at his scolding .
"Don't fall asleep , we're barely reaching the main characters' boring family's introduction ." you nod as you lean into his shoulder , your head have been there since earlier and he hasn't been saying anything about it . you regarded that to be a signal of him not minding . you were initially so hyped about this movie . but you've seen millions of spoilers now on tiktok , since you spend most of your 20 minute breaks scrolling , and the app seem to be stalking your private life , your fyp have been filled with spoilers of it and as stubborn you are , always just handing the responsibilities to your future self , instead of just scrolling past it to avoid any more spoilers , you like , save and even put it on your favorites . not at all expecting the algorithm to then flood your fyp with the same content .
you kind of already knew how the guy gets his whole arm mangled enough that you see his bones , and how the half zombie girlie ends up eating the guy she's been burdening since the start of said movie , what a , fucking tragedy . yet it gets you tearing up , the guy sacrificing his everything , even his survival for some girlie that he's been one sided-ly inlove with , since fuckening birth , the idea just hurts .
seeing it now for like , the 100th time though , it just seems downright stupid , idiotic , foolish . though somehow still understandable and pitiful . blame the spoilers for the negative add of perception . scaramouche puts his arm around your body and settles his hand on your tummy as he sighs , leaning into your head too . "This is shit , Y/n ."
"Hmm . . ." you still stare at how lovey-dovey the two of them deem to be right now though . in that screen , big and huge , you wonder if love can really bloom within such short span of time . perhaps , yeah , perhaps .
when you awoke , credits was already on . the amount of names getting pulled up into the black of the huge screening , you squint eyes and feels scaramouche rubbing against your stomach a bit . his palm pressing on it lightly , pressing a small kiss on your head too as you noise your way into his perceiving as awake .
"Sorry , sorry , sorry , I feel asleep . I ," he only ever nods , your waist and stomach feeling cold now without his arm . "It's alright , didn't you also say you wanted to go to that manga cafe a station away from here ?" he didn't , look mad . even just a smidge of irritated . even though you fell asleep , even though the idea of being able to talk about the movie had gone to waste , even though you were the one pressing on that you wanted to spend more time with him . in the end , you just slept . he gets you up , by one hand . staring at you as you bite at any inner part of your lip you could reach . he makes you sip on the still cold coke and freed your lips in the process . "You're such a bother sometimes , give me a kiss ."
you still a bit , gazing at the way he leans into your height , is he being for real ? not knowing the answer but also not wanting him to stay like that any longer , you went in for it . the taste of cola on your lips transferring a bit on his . he just looms over you once you were done and smiles a bit , looking like a smirk on one sense , a sweet smile on a made-up one . "You're being . . . way too nice to me today . Are you planning on dumping me when we get home—"
flicking your forehead , after he immediately holds both your hands and glares at you , jokingly , not as icing as what he first gave you , still intimidating though . knowing the context , cutely intimidating ! "I wouldn't have watched that boringass movie if I was only gonna dump you . Stop saying that ." you nod , hesitantly . "You really won't , bro ?"
"Really won't ."
in the manga cafe , you both settled on that closed space , he got you laying down on his lap , you were wondering why but he keeps on fixing your lips shut each time you try to pry for an actual answer . "Just , read . You haven't read the latest volume right ? The girlie you so preach about there is gonna get ," he pauses himself as you look at him , the manga only ever lowered enough for you two to meet sights . he laughs a bit and dips a hand down to pinch at your cheek . "Want me to continue ?" you shake your head right away and he chuckles , small chuckling , until he went back to his reading himself .
one hand on your head , massaging your scalp . his other hand occupied with that one manga you were rambling about a few weeks ago . supposedly , it was a manga that makes all reader weep after the 20th chapter to its 50th which is the ending . but you see him on the last chapter of the last volume , barely any pages in but stoic face he keeps up still . you wonder if it's because it doesn't have much impact on him because he doesn't really get sentimental over this things or if you're just too emotional sometimes .
he hasn't said anything , only the sound of pages turning and his occasional sipping of tea heard around . you hold on his hand , his massaging gets you sleepy . he doesn't say a word and lets you sit up again , but in the end , you lean on his shoulder much like you did in the theaters . you read silently a bit more and you see him reading something else already . he didn't cry at all . he holds on your hand like you wanted .
and was making this small humming noises .
for someone with such spine shivering voice , he sure sounds soft and mellow . no no no , you can't fall asleep . what will he say when you fall asleep again ? you didn't make him come out on a fairly windy winter day to just sleep whenever you're both seated and rested with cushions on your backs and bums . you shake your head and blink again and again . but in the end , the comfort dwelling in you , with his warmth seeping into yours , render you incapable of any sort of humane control . your eyelids , felt heavier than any lead , and your body felt all soft and light . a small thud resounding before the flimsy sight of the mini room starts glitching and beep , it was dark all over , warm and soft .
jolting up , you were covered in white fluff . looking around , scara was just beside you , on his phone , turning to you soon after . "Oh , morning , slept well ?" he fixes himself up on his elbows and slowly went to you . "I'm having food delivered . You're hungry , right ? There were no sundaes though , the ice cream machine near the store we go to really don't love you , huh ? They're never working when we order . . . Aaaand you're crying ."
you could see the way his lips coil and he clicks his tongue , staring at you first as you cry your eyes out . you don't know why , can't tell so in an understandable matter . but it hurts to see him caring so much , what if he's just doing this to unload the burden of any guilt he might be feeling as he plans to leave you after all of these ? what if he's getting tired of you always being busy and unavailable , and what if he's finally found , someone else ? you've been denying it all day long , that he's being considerate of your situation . he isn't supposed to be . he isn't . it's scary when the people you've been burdening doesn't lash out at you and even comforts you in their own way , it usually , ends on a very permanent parting , when they get too tired . you shake your head and looks down .
that guy always had that dreading , distasteful and annoyed look whenever you cried . what if , scaramouche has that exact face right now ? why did you have to fall asleep , why why why why why , you were trying so hard not to . trying so hard to at least make up for what you've been lacking on the significant other department so why ? aren't you already aware of how much it hurts to be left because of your lacking ? have you forgotten just how much it teared you up and pulled you down ? have you ?
the idea of it happening again hurts . it does . it hurts more to think that scaramouche would be the one leaving this time . you're being such a doll he has to drag around to be of any mere presence . your lips tremble as you bite it down , you can't make noises . you can't . he'll hate it too . it'll deem you more of a nuisance than you already think you are .
"Y/n ."
you shake your head even more . you try to wipe off all the tears but they just wouldn't stop coming and dripping and going . you hear him sigh and it's almost as if , all you've been building have gone , crashing down , down to bits , along with what scaramouche have pulverized to dusts , along with the memories of that guy , and all he's done . you didn't want that to happen , that can't happen . it shouldn't .
it's all your fault .
"Y/n , stop it ." you don't , you can't . "You were tired , you needed rest ." but if you rest , then you're just adding to the pile of actions you've been doing , been neglecting him as so . "Don't cry , you're gonna complain later again how it hurt your head ." it wasn't the afternoon anymore , it was late midnight . he went ahead and gave up on getting you to look at him . you were still crying , crying so hard . you didn't cry at all having to do so much for your research and being taken advantage of again and again , having to do more than you alone can manage . yet you're breaking down now , all because you're afraid that you're losing him . he pulls you in for a hug . which you didn't have the strength to latch away from . he settles his arms on the back of your waist , and lets your head rest on where his shoulder and neck meet . you're getting his t-shirt wet .
"Are you scared ?" he asks , pulling you close when you try to pull away . you nod , answering as you sniff and hugs him back . "Don't be . I won't go ." he sounds so sure , so steeled to such statements . "I won't . I really won't . I fucking cherish you too much to leave you alone . You're already pathetic with me here , what of you when I'm not ?"
you wish he said that too , on that day when it was thundering all over the city . the you who'd be under the blankets and lulling yourself to sleep , afraid of those clapping , grating sounds , was too busy crying beside your lampstand and a handful of pills on hand . staring at the note you've already left for everyone you love to see and crying a bit more , ignoring how much you've made your lips bleed . how could he do that to you .
your mother fucking died . how can he go and lash out on you , all drunk and high , saying you're too busy to have any time for him . how could he say that , when he wasn't the one caressing your slumped shoulders as you cry aimlessly beside your mother on her deathbed . how could he , say that ? and what came over you , to blame yourself ? what ? why ? how ? it doesn't make any sense . each thought and normal prejudice and moral you own shredded on a shredder and you were too busy trying to fucking breathe from all the tears and sobbing and begging to not be left alone to try and piece any of those things whole anymore . he still left in the end .
said that he wanted to fix things , that he's been putting too much for you , that he's done everything already , that you weren't cooperating at all and that nothing would work . but you begged still , begged and begged and begged , you gripped on his pants with tears welling up your eyes saying countless sorry and multiple dont leave me , not like this . he was your first love . he , he was . maybe that's why it hurt so bad . maybe that's why you couldn't hate him . maybe that's why all spite you have that you wanted to let out , you just kept within . maybe that's why , that's why no matter how 2 years have passed its drilled in . that people come and go . no matter how harsh or gentle the parting is , it still , and always will , hurt .
that's why , you should always grip tight on anything , everything . that pain is too much after all , it's too much , it hurts , it's suffocating and infuriating and utterly , painful . you didn't want to feel that way again .
you love scaramouche .
with all your heart , you do . he came in your life around the time you have cemented yourself to live still , even by yourself . he came in your life , became the best guy there ever was , no matter how much of a dick he can sound like . he came in your life , and started slowly mending at the cracks you've got everywhere . just , what will become of you without him ?
"Y/n ." he gets you to look at him , a hand on your chin , looking at you silently . "You were tired , no ?" you hesitantly nod your head . though aware that he wouldn't leave you , you're still afraid . and you hate it that you are . shouldn't you believe in him ? shouldn't you ?
"What am I to you ?"
"My boyfriend ."
he smiles , smirks , whatever that curve on his lips is supposed to be called . pressing a kiss on your lips , you were glad your voice didn't croak . "Yeah , a boyfriend ," he coughs , "Needs to care for his girlfriend . No matter how much of a bother she can be . Which you aren't , completely . I wouldn't have agreed to be your boyfriend anyway if I didn't know what I was signing up for ." he shrugs a bit , and stares at you .
"You went through a lot ."
you nod your head .
"And to be honest , I've met that guy before and I wanted to , execute him so bad but you said you didn't want me to so I perfectly and welldone-ly preserved it in . You know how hard that is ?" you nod again . he laughs lowly before grinning up at you . "I'm not him . And I won't be like him . I'm not planning to be either ." you kiss him this time .
the tears have stopped .
he breaks off the connection and tries to speak more but you just kiss him again . "Sorry ." you say between your kisses and he just hums to your lips and deepens it more . he probably didn't want to go all out tonight , considering how tired you still look , he pushes you gently away from him . you wanted more .
"Sorry ?"
"For being such a burden to carry ."
"I don't like kissing burdens ." he smiles , beams even . you squint your eyes at this and your lips part as if to speak . he knows you wanted more of said kisses . acting as if he wanted to stand up and leave you alone on his bed on one of his shirts , you press him on the bed and glares at him , "I've long been a burden but you've always been kissing me ."
laughing a bit , he rolls his eyes . "That just means I've never seen you as a burden , just a dumbass , a needy , crybaby , dumbass ."
"You really like saying that ." you just kiss him to seal his lips itching to tease you more . "I love you , Scara ." you feel him smile as he kisses back , a lot more passionately than you did . "Hm , love you too ."
you sniff again , "Why didn't I meet you sooner ?"
"World's your number 1 hater , probably ."
"Rude ."
"Pft ."
SCARA-LiNE ! / WORK NAVi !
#x female reader#x fem!reader#genshin impact#genshin x reader#scaramouchexreader#scaramouchexfem!reader#genshin scaramouche#scara x reader#scaramouche#scarashots!
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Im more sympathetic to what I feel are bad takes surrounding Dean kicking Cas out of the bunker than other hashtagdeancrimes bc that's one that I genuinely do feel like is out of character for him. Choosing Sam over Cas he absolutely would do but kicking Cas out thoughtlessly and with no real help? Bizzarro world shit, Dean wouldn't do that and trying to make it work requires extrapolating a lot of shit happening off screen or just like Dealing with the weird cognitive dissonance of him doing this really awful thing he wouldn't normally do.
The problem is that a huge ammount of Cas characterization in the later seasons relies on this thing having happened to him, so if you refuse to engage with it at all you can't like. Understand Cas' perspective, which a lot of people weren't gonna do anyway but for sure results in like. A lot of criticizing Cas for behaviour that makes perfect sense from his perspective bc of that moment and others.
(There is also the way that some people fill in the blanks to make Dean less awful that like. Results in some unfortunate takes not just in terms of Cas' character but also just like. How we talk about homeless people)
I remember a post that circulated a while back that seemed to express that if Cas ever felt loved by Sam and (mostly) Dean then he could never have felt like they only wanted him around bc he was useful and vice versa but that's just not how emotions work.
I think it's unquestionable that Cas is insecure in his relationship to Sam and Dean and doesn't always know where he stands. Like historically Dean in particular withdraws trust, affection and aid at very significant moments in their relationship to try to change Cas' behaviour. I'm not moralizing abt that like I'm not saying Dean was bad to do it but a lot of critical moments for them in their early relationship take the form of like "Cas if you don't do this thing then say goodbye to our relationship" bc they were in critical life or death moments and Dean was being confronted with real or imagined betrayal. Like, Cas knows that he can fuck up their relationship through his actions, but in season 9 he gets kicked out for no reason that he knows about and doesn't find out what was going on until much later. That's going to redefine things for him whether or not he blames Dean for it or stays mad or hurt.
The insecurity that results from a tumultuous relationship like this doesn't mean that Cas spends every day wallowing in woe is me angst over the fact that no one care him, but it does make it easier for doubt to creep in in low moments. When things are good they're good! He gets that Dean cares about him and wants him around. But when he doesn't have the immediate reassurance of positive interaction, or Dean is actively mad at him, yeah he's gonna doubt the foundation of their relationship because the foundation is shaky!
And like that's not all Dean's fault, their relationship is tumultuous bc of shit that happened between them and the general I only Say I love you when one of us is duing thing hey both have going on but Cas is also fresh out of the angel death cult where dissent is punished by torture and brainwashing. This isn't a Dean Crimes post this is a Cas has interiority and is affected by Dean's actions and his own history on an ongoing basis post.
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I read your Aeon thoughts and I agree with so much, &what you said about Capcom trying to make it obvious to players about how she is against what Wesker would bc some players literally need everything SPELLED out for them, but I do think they still could have written the scene better. It made her come off a lot less smart compared to her OG4 counterpart. Like there’s no way she would have not known that Wesker would use the amber for bad in her line of work. It came off as “hundreds to thousands of casualties is ok with her, but millions to billions casualties is where she crosses the line” even though I’m sure that’s not what Capcom was going for.
Also I actually do think they could have kept the line “Shes like a part of me I can’t let go” and was super sad when they removed it 🥹 I feel like it’s a line that can be interpreted both in a romantic and non-romantic way. She saved his life multiple times and they experienced the traumatic fall Raccoon City together despite her betrayal. I think it’s realistic that Ada would always be a part of him. Narratively she plays big part of Leon’s “Loss of Innocence” theme, how could anyone simply forget and cut someone off after experiencing something like that together. From what we know, he keeps his experiences & memories with her all to himself and doesn’t share that part of himself with anyone, even during the time he did believe her to be dead. I’d say both RE2R and RE4R have the same more serious and camp level yet for RE2R, they had Leon say at the end “I can’t believe I actually miss her” which one could also say there’s not connection that warrants that reaction since he just met her that night and known her for a few hours. I just feel like like if they could add that cheesy line that wasn’t in OG2 then why not keep the OG4 line too 🥲 but none of these things are deal breakers for me, Aeon 4 Life !!
how she is against what Wesker would bc some players literally need everything SPELLED out for them
the fact that capcom seems to be very clear with characterizing ada makes it seem like a mass majority of people (which is true) mischaracterize her and villainize her, because people are not able to understand the nuances of morally grey characters.
we been knew that ada betrayed wesker- like the ones who paid attention already knew this.
i agree that it could've been done better, same with wesker just unveiling his entire plan? like capcom, we know that some people are stupid but are you really thinking EVERYONE is this stupid?
but yes- unfortunately people are this stupid.
(we still don't know any reason why other than, the "other possible option" she had was better) or she basically did it to fuck with wesker
i also felt like a variation of the line could've been said. something like, even letting ashley ask him and him answering that he wasn't sure.
“I can’t believe I actually miss her”
i agree that there should've been something else added contextually. this would've made more sense in re2 where they had a "romance" and i'm only saying that because even the developers have said that they fell in love too quickly. and the reason why it was more fleshed out in remakes was to make it more realistic.
(but now that I'm thinking about it, even with ada's "betrayal," the fact that she gave him comforting parting words could've been enough for him to realize that he still had feelings for her despite their short time together)
but also not to mention that we still have separate ways to play, so we still have another story to dig into.
i just hope that they deliver!!!
#ask heart#heart answers#anon#ada wong#leon s kennedy#leon kennedy#aeon#leon x ada#leon kennedy x ada wong#leon s kennedy x ada wong
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tw: transphobia, shame, possible ocd
is it odd for me to sorry that one day what if I say or just find myself being transphobic? I have this just horror that one day I'm gonna end up transphobic like for example what if I fall in love with someone who is transgender and then one day I wake up and can't committ?
I support trans lives and think as long as someone is living their happiest life then wtf is wrong with that, but I just get so scared that what if I'm ignorant right now or what if I misgender a friend or partner.
My brother was diagnosed with OCD and I highly assume I have it as well and as much as I try to tell myself that they're just thoughts, what if my thoughts become reality like what the fuck do I do then? My parents are transphobic so whenever I try to discuss this with them it gets shut down pretty heavily and they act like I've been brainwashed or am on some "new age gen x bullshit" and yeah.
I feel like for me to further solidify in my brain that "hey you're not transphobic" is by actually reading books about the history of LGBTQIA+ or like actual books about it since I don't know it just works? Whenever I panic I use facts to calm myself down so maybe that'll be ok.
Hi anon,
To answer your questions directly, if you hypothetically wake up and can't commit, it doesn't necessarily mean you're transphobic (breaking up with a trans partner isn't inherently transphobic).
There's also a huge difference between misgendering someone on accident and misgendering someone on purpose. If you accidentally misgender a trans person, you're not necessarily being transphobic either. It's just about a simple correction and then moving on. It doesn't seem like you would misgender someone on purpose.
I can see how this could potentially be a manifestation of OCD because it sounds like, despite the fact that you know you support trans lives and don't feel judgmental towards them in any way, you seem to be afraid of either being secretly transphobic or accidentally coming off as transphobic.
If you resonate with the idea of being secretly transphobic, then perhaps you may be dealing with some kind of impostor syndrome where you feel like no matter how much you support trans people you are inevitably transphobic.
If you resonate with the idea that this could be related to some potential OCD, then it's possible that you may be dealing with Moral OCD, which is "obsessive concern with whether or not one is being good or bad." This article also describes Moral OCD as worrying about "unconsciously discriminating against people". You may or may not have OCD, but referencing OCD may be a helpful framework, especially in relation to your understanding about how your brother deals with it, for understanding your own experiences.
I'm wondering if perhaps you would describe these fears as intrusive thoughts, like involuntarily wondering what would happen if you did something that could be seen as transphobic. Intrusive thoughts can also be tied to symptoms of OCD because they can influence compulsions to avoid or challenge these thoughts. Because while it's always good to educate yourself about LGBT history, it sounds like this could be a compulsion at the onset of an intrusive thought.
Please know that intrusive thoughts do not define you. As someone who deals with intrusive thoughts myself (I was diagnosed with OCD in 2016), intrusive thoughts truly are a beast. In my experience, I feel like it preys on things we genuinely care about. It's hard to not give it any attention because it hits you in the most sensitive spots. But the unfortunate thing is that intrusive thoughts thrive off of you focusing on them, answering them, placating them, or reassuring yourself through compulsions. This resource has some tips for how to deal with intrusive thoughts.
The aforementioned resource also has this to say, which I think you might find helpful: "There are many myths about unwanted intrusive thoughts. One of the most distressing is that having such thoughts mean that you unconsciously want to do the things that come into your mind. This is simply not true, and, in fact, the opposite is true. It is the effort people use to fight the thought that makes it stick and fuels its return. People fight thoughts because the content seems alien, unacceptable, and at odds with who they are."
I hope I could help. Please let us know if you need anything.
-Bun
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I'm tired of hearing "I don't hate gay people, but [insert something abhorrent]" Just be honest with how vile you are and just say you hate them. via /r/atheism
I'm tired of hearing "I don't hate gay people, but [insert something abhorrent]" Just be honest with how vile you are and just say you hate them.
Tried posting this on r/offmychest but apparently you have to be an accepted member there, so I figured since this is a religious issue and I'm very familiar with this community that I'd post it here. Sorry if not allowed.
Unfortunately had an interaction with my family today where we were all together at our parents and we were talking about how people turn to things to deal with depression and I brought up the fact I watched The Whale and how the main character uses food and over eating as his way of trying to deal with his grief or "kill his whale" and my parents talked about how they were excited to see it and said it looked really good, until I mentioned the part that the main character is gay. IMMEDIATELY the mood changed and my Ma got a completely disgusted and angry look on her face and said
"Well now I'm not watching it. Hollywood always has to stick their gay agenda into everything."
I'm always having to listen to their vile rhetoric on gay and trans people and I'm just tired of it and looked at her and said
"Why don't you just say that you hate gay people?"
And she was thrown back and said "I don't hate gay people, Hollywood just has to throw it in our faces and shove it down our throats! It's everywhere!"
And I replied, "So are heterosexual relationships but you don't complain about that."
And my dad chimed in saying "That's because it's natural."
There was a long debate back and forth where I explained to them again that homosexuality is natural and has been shown to be natural, and they kept going on about how gay people are so privileged and that Christians are the real persecuted people in the US and that gay people are soon going to be having Christians tried in court for being Christians then start decapitating them and yadda yadda yadda more persecution fetish and how gay people need to just shut up and stop being in media and such. And I ended it with telling them that they are the perfect examples of the American Christian because they aren't loving, they sit in front of Fox News all day and complain about how gay and trans people are the fall of society and how they shouldn't have rights but it's okay because it's "not hate" they do it out of "love". I told them there's something extremely wrong and vile about how they look at their fellow human beings that even just the mere existence of them and the mere mention of that existence is enough to completely change your demeanor into disgust and animosity.
I'm just fucking tired of people having to excuse their own existence. It's dehumanizing and having to spend the one life I have having to fight for my right to exist because you have people like pastor Steve Anderson and Dillon Awes calling for the execution of gay people and the absolute diseased ideas they spread to others who then take out their problems on people they have been told to hate, it's exhausting. I'm exhausted.
If you're the type of person who talks like they do, just say it. You hate gay people. You do. Just be honest. I'm tired of pretending it's something that it's not because you don't have the balls to say what it really is. I'm tired of defending my family. I love them, but they hate people like me. Which is sad because they are otherwise good people. But it's like Hitchens pointed out, religion makes normally moral people do and say wicked and disgusting things.
I'm just frustrated and wanted to get this off my chest because I'm just honestly so tired of it. And I want to say, if your family is the same, you don't need to defend them. I'm learning it's okay to love your family but also recognize when their ideas are absolutely vile and honestly probably recognize that they may not be good people. I can't wait for the day when all these horrible ideas are dead and in the past.
If you read my whole rant, thanks! I wanted to put more but didn't want to bore everyone.
TL;DR My parents hate gay people, I told them to just say it and stop pretending that they don't. Tired of hearing their vile rhetoric towards LGBTQ all the time and learning that it's okay to not have to defend people just because they are related to you.
Submitted March 06, 2023 at 11:59AM by Mr_Kash
(From Reddit https://ift.tt/c0HPZnl)
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one episode left babyyyy
silly little notes ep. 5
how do you not go to the dentist for 9 years??????
that was rude prof
touch the box ryan. do it.
surgery is scary. i don’t want it. just kill me.
is he actually their greatest surgeon? is he?
i’m so scared of victorian surgeons. like that’s frightening. i don’t wanna deal with it. i have high pain tolerance but not that high.
can i do nothing? because neither praying or a doctor seems helpful.
i feel like if you go to the doctor you’ll lose your foot. problem is i don’t believe in god personally.
oh so you’d get gangrene if you do nothing but lose your foot if you go to the doctor. i wanna keep my leg
oh you don’t like skinning or scalping huh ryan??? that’s gonna come back.
“time and time again it seems like religion hates science” so true ryan bergara
not the b boys bit again
i really did not think it’d be the cadavers however it does make sense upon further thought
allegedly drake is not a murderer
dorothy ruth is back and i’m still here to tell you that i really think she’s supposed to be dead. good for her getting back on the dating scene i guess. idk.
ryan you gotta stop bringing up the t. rex thing. you’re digging yourself a hole. possibly literally.
this man is about to be such a terrible doctor. i can feel it. i admire the fact that he was determined to tend to everyone but uh. i got a bad feeling.
the barking is somehow incredibly unnerving
he actually was just a big guy. that’s somehow very funny to me.
okay i was gonna say that he was doing pretty well. washing his equipment. washing his hands. taking precautions. and then he had to go and hold his knife in his mouth. goddammit
you’re telling me this man is successful because he’s fast. slay honestly. but also this is happening in a theatre which is insane.
oh his death rate is 10%? that’s pretty good. i think. i don’t actually know.
and he’s developed an ego. this is gonna end badly. we’re going downhill from here probably.
THIS MAN ACCIDENTALLY CUT SOMEONES TESTICLE OFF WHILE AMPUTATING A LEG????? how did he do that???????
these are fucking wild options for his worst mistake
not the 300% morality rate
well at least we’re able to sort of knock people out. i hope this goes well. it actually did work decently well.
and the mortality rate has gone up. which is so very unfortunate.
there’s no musical guest? that’s uh. something. that’s really odd.
PUPPET VAPE??????? WHAT THE FUCK
oh lovely he’s knocked ryan the fuck out
oh he’s tied to the chair now. what the fuck is happening.
that’s so fucking upsetting. the substitute is scary.
so it’s the same hologram as at the funeral. that the puppets sent back to the future to fix things.
SHANE!!!!! HI SHANE!!!
lmao not the devil failing the audition. also the auditions are funny.
not the estranged producer
what the fuck is happening. also the fact that shane said flesh and this is where we ended up.
okay so he wants to wear ryan’s skin and make the genie grant his wish.
the little hey buddy from shane. iconic. unbothered.
“IM NOT GETTING INVOLVED IN THIS” so true shane
oh no. oh no. he’s gonna sing.
this is unnerving at best.
i would also like to point out that shane in fact did think of some wild out of the box thing
“i’m gonna make one hell of a me out of the pieces of you” is such a raw line what the fuck
hey little rat guy.
ryan really used bargaining to his advantage huh. slay.
OH MY GOD that hologram really just jumped out huh
welp i guess i’ll be back next week… fucking hell
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Jin Guangyao isn't cruel because he is nice sometimes! No... no... just no. He pretends to be a nice, sweet person to get what he wants, it is exactly why he got away with the killings and plannings for the Yin Hu Fu, YEARS AFTER JIN GUANGSHAN IS OUT OF THE PICTURE. He's the only legitimate Jin left old enough to take over the Sect, who the hell was gonna argue that when all relevant Jins were dead and Nie Mingjue was killed by the happy smiling pretty boy?
First example, he was actively friends with Xue Yang, there is no saying he was coerced into that one since he recommended him as a guest disciple and made creepy little jokes with him.
Jin GuangYao sighed, “I only turned around for a second and you stirred up so much trouble for me. I only had to pay for a bowl of dumplings in the beginning, and now I have to pay for his table, chairs, pots and pans, and even bowls.”
Xue Yang, “You’ll miss the couple of coins?”
Jin GuangYao, “No.”
Xue Yang, “Then why are you sighing?”
Jin GuangYao, “I don’t think you’ll miss the couple of coins either. Why can’t you try being a normal customer once in a while?”
Xue Yang, “Back in Kuizhou I never paid for anything I wanted. Just like this.” As he spoke, he casually plucked off a stick of sugared haws off a vendor’s pole. It might be the first time the vendor saw such a shameless person. As he stared open-mouthed, Xue Yang took a bite, “Besides, you can deal with the trouble of me wrecking a tiny stall, can’t you?”
Jin GuangYao smiled, “You little delinquent. Wreck stalls however you want. I wouldn’t even care if you burned down the entire street. Just one thing—don’t wear the Stars Amidst Snow robes and cover up your face. Don’t let anyone know who did it, or it’d be trouble for me.”
He tossed the money to the vendor
A.K.A: haha you're funny and I don't care who you fuck over but be sly and
Next example:
And so, Jin GuangShan sought after all those who imitated Wei WuXian in cultivating the ghostly path and gathered them under his rule. He spent a great amount of money and resources on these people, ordering them to study and analyze the structure of the Tiger Seal in secrecy so that they could replicate and restore it. Among them, not many achieved anything, while the one who walked the furthest was the youngest Xue Yang, recommended by Jin GuangYao alone.
Jin GuangYao was overjoyed. He accepted him as a guest cultivator and gave him high rights and freedom. The corpse training ground was an area of land Jin GuangYao specially requested for Xue Yang for him to research in secrecy, which meant for him to fool around however he wanted to.
He gave a whole torture playground for Xue Yang to use, he specifically asked for this from his own mouth, for Xue Yang to use and he would check in on progress. As for his morals:
Jin GuangYao’s tone was somewhat reproachful, “He Su gongzi is a respected cultivator, after all. How could you refer to him in such a disrespectful way?”
The cultivator laughed coldly, “I’ve already fallen in your hands. What are you keeping up the pretense for?”
Jin GuangYao responded with a kind expression, “You don’t have to look at me like that. I also had no choice. To elect a chief cultivator is an irresistible trend. What was the use of stirring up trouble and seeking arguments everywhere? I’ve already warned you again and again, yet you were determined not to listen to me. Under these circumstances, things are already beyond redemption. From the bottom of my heart, I, too, feel utmost pain and regret.”
He Su, “What was the irresistible trend? What was stirring up trouble? Jin GuangShan wanted to establish the position of chief cultivator only to imitate the QishanWen Sect in being the only one at the top. Do you think all the world is ignorant? You frame me like this only because I spoke the truth!”
Jin GuangYao smiled, saying nothing. He Su continued, “When you really succeed, all of the world of cultivation would see the true face of the LanlingJin Sect. Do you think killing me alone would put you eternally at ease? How wrong you are! We, the TingshanHe Sect, teem with talent. From now on, we’ll unite and never surrender to you Wen-dogs of another skin!”
Hearing this, Jin GuangYao squinted slightly, the corners of his lips curving up. It was the usual kind, gentle expression. Seeing this, He Su felt his heart skip a beat. At the same time, commotion sounded outside the corpse training ground, among it the cries of women and children.
He Su spun around, only to see a group of LanlingJin Sect cultivators drag inside sixty or seventy people all wearing the same uniform. There were men and women, old and young. Every one of them was a cross between shock and fear, while some were already crying. Both tied up, a girl and a boy kneeled on the ground as they wailed at He Su, “Ge!”
He Su was shocked speechless, his face instantly as white as paper, “Jin GuangYao! What are you doing?! It’s enough if you kill me—why drag my entire sect along?!”
Jin GuangYao looked down and fixed his sleeves, still grinning, “Weren’t you yourself the one who reminded me just now? Even if I killed you, I wouldn’t be put eternally at ease. The TingshanHe Sect teems with talent, and from now on, you’d unite and never surrender—I was quite frightened. After much thought, this was the only thing I could come up with.”
Among the group are children. That he did see and stare at gleefully as he lets Xue Yang decide to use all of them for corpse experiments. What does that mean??? Maybe that Jin Guangyao is also not in fact best uncle as he similarly was willing to kill Jin Ling who he "loved" as bait to try running away and is more than willing to use his "friends" for his own rise to power or to run away.
Examples of him enjoying emotionally torturing others as much as Xue Yang as a tactic:
Example 1:
“That’s not the way to go about things, is it? The TingshanHe Sect rebelled and schemed to assassinate Sect Leader Jin with all its forces before it was caught red-handed. How could that be called without a reason?”
The ones overhead cried, “Ge! He’s lying! We didn’t, we didn’t!”
He Su, “Utter nonsense! Open your eyes and fucking look! There are nine-year-old children here! Old men who can’t even walk! How could they rebel against anything?! Why would they assassinate your dad out of nowhere?!”
Jin GuangYao, “Because you made a mistake and committed murder, Young Master He Su, while they refused to accept Koi Tower’s conviction of you, of course.”
He Su finally remembered the accusation for which he was transferred to such a creepy place, “It’s all made up! I never killed a cultivator of the LanlingJin Sect! I’ve never even seen the person who died! I don’t even know if he was really a cultivator from your sect! I… I…”
He stammered for a while before eventually caving in, “I… I don’t even know what happened, I don’t even know!”
Yet, at such a place, nobody would listen to his protests.
Example 2:
Just as he was about to move, Jin GuangYao smiled, “HanGuang-Jun, it’s best if you take five steps back.”
Wei WuXian suddenly felt a small, sharp sting come from his neck. Lan XiChen lowered his voice, “Be careful. Do not move!”
Lan WangJi’s gaze landed on Wei WuXian’s neck. His face paled slightly.
An almost invisible guqin string, light and golden, was tied around Wei WuXian’s neck.
The guqin string was extremely thin. It was covered in special paint as well, making it almost invisible to the eye. Along with how disoriented Wei WuXian was, unable to pay attention to anything else, he didn’t notice it when it wrapped around his throat.
“Lan Zhan, don’t! Don’t back away!”
But Lan WangJi immediately walked five steps back without any hesitation.
Jin GuangYao, “Wonderful. Now, please sheathe Bichen.”
With a clank, Lan WangJi obeyed again. Wei WuXian raged, “Don’t ask for too much!”
Jin GuangYao quipped, “This is already asking for too much? Next, I’m even going to ask HanGuang-Jun to seal away his spiritual powers. What would that be called?”
Wei WuXian seethed, “You…”
Before he could finish, the sharp pain of flesh being lacerated came from his throat. Something dripped down his neck. Lan WangJi’s face was pale. Jin GuangYao said, “How could he not listen to me? Just think about it, Wei gongzi, his life is in my hands.”
Lan WangJi spoke one word at a time, “Do. Not. Touch. Him.”
“Then you know what to do, HanGuang-Jun.”
A moment later, Lan WangJi responded, “Yes.”
Lan XiChen sighed. Lan WangJi raised his hands. With two strong taps, he locked his own spiritual powers.
Jin GuangYao smiled, his voice soft, “This really is…”
Lan WangJi’s eyes were locked on them, “Let him go.”
Example 3:
Wei WuXian wouldn’t have had to be responsible for a life as heavy as Jin ZiXuan’s, and the things that happened later wouldn’t have had to happen.
Yet now, he finally realized even the reason behind culprit’s curse wasn’t to frame him. Even the cause didn’t have anything to do with him!
Such a fact was truly difficult to accept.
As he laughed, Wei WuXian’s eyes reddened. He mocked, whether at himself or otherwise, “I can’t believe it’s because of someone like you… because of such a ridiculous reason!”
But Jin GuangYao seemed like he knew what he thought, “Wei gongzi, you really shouldn’t think like this.”
Wei WuXian, “Oh? You know what I think?”
Jin GuangYao, “Of course. It’s quite easy. You’re definitely thinking about how unfortunate you are. In reality, you’re not. Even if Su She didn’t curse Jin ZiXun, Mr. Wei, you’d receive a siege sooner or later, because of some other reason.” He smiled, “Because that’s what kind of a person you are. At best, you’re the untamed hero; at worst, you offend people wherever you go. Unless all those whom you’ve offended lived their lives safely, as soon as something happened to them or someone did something to them, the first person they suspect would be you and the first person they seek revenge on would also you. And this is something you have no control over.”
Somehow, Wei WuXian smiled, “What should I do? For some reason, I think you make a lot of sense.”
Jin GuangYao, “And even if you didn’t lose control at the Qiongqi Path, could you guarantee you didn’t lose control sometime in the rest of your life? Thus, someone like you is destined to have a short life. You see? Doesn’t it feel a lot better if you think about it this way?”
He takes little time in using others hurt or their protective instincts against them, and is just as gleeful to see others in powerless situations in comparison to him as it still gives him a form of control to worm his way out of everything that has caught up to him.
Jin GuangYao, “Ge, every word of what I say is true.”
His tone was more than earnest. Ever since he captured Lan XiChen, he’d indeed been treating him with respect. At this point, Lan XiChen wasn’t able to turn against him yet. He could only sigh, “Sect Leader Jin, I have already said, when you went your own way to scheme such havoc at Burial Mound, that there was no longer any need to call me ‘Brother.’”
Jin GuangYao, “What happened at Burial Mound was an accident, a mistake. But, I can’t go back anymore.”
Lan XiChen, “What do you mean you cannot go back?”
Lan WangJi frowned slightly, his voice cold, “Xiongzhang, do not engage in excessive conversation with him.”
Wei WuXian reminded him as well, “Sect Leader Lan, do you remember what you said to Sect Leader Jiang? Don’t spend too long talking to him.”
Jin GuangYao, “Ge, listen to me. I don’t deny that I did those things…”
Lan XiChen, “How could you deny them? There are both witnesses and proof!”
Jin GuangYao, “And so I said I don’t deny them! But to have killed my father, my wife, my son, ge—if not because I had no other choice, why would I have done those things? Could it be that I’m really so out of my mind in your eyes?!”
"Your… wife…” As though he couldn’t say it, he immediately changed his phrasing, "Your sister, Qin Su, did you really marry her while knowing what blood relationship you had with her?”
Jin GuangYao stared blankly at him. Suddenly, tears rolled down his eyes. He answered with pain, “… Yes.” Lan XiChen took in a deep breath. His face was almost ashen. Jin GuangYao whispered, "But I really had no choice.”
With a sigh, Lan XiChen continued, “Third, do not try to avoid it and answer me—did you plan the death of Jin ZiXuan on purpose?!”
Hearing his father’s name, Jin Ling, who’d been holding Jiang Cheng, widened his eyes.
Lan WangJi raised his voice somewhat, “Xiongzhang, you believe him?”
Lan XiChen’s expression was complicated, “Of course I do not believe that Jin ZiXuan ran into the attack at Qiongqi Path by accident, but… let him speak first.”
Jin GuangYao knew he wouldn’t be believed if he denied it no matter what. He clenched his teeth, “… I indeed didn’t run into Jin ZiXuan by accident.”
Jin Ling immediately clenched his fists.
Jin GuangYao continued, “But I’ve never thought of planning everything that happened afterward either. You don’t have to think of me as so clever and faultless. Many things can’t be controlled at all. How could I have known that he’d definitely die by Wei WuXian’s hands together with Jin ZiXun? How could I have predicted that Wei WuXian would definitely lose control and the Ghost General would definitely run a riot?”
Wei WuXian’s voice was harsh, “And you said you didn’t run into him by accident? Isn’t that self-contradiction?!”
Jin GuangYao, “I don’t deny that I told him about the attack at Qiongqi Path on purpose, but I only thought that he’d encounter some difficulties if he ran into you when you were being troubled by his cousin since he’d never been on good terms with you. How could I have known that you would simply kill everyone present, Wei gongzi?”
“Why was a sect leader who spent money like water unwilling to do the smallest favor and buy my mother’s freedom? Simple—it was too much trouble. My mother waited for so many years, weaving together so many difficult circumstances when she talked to me, imagining for his sake so many hardships. And the real reason was only a single word: trouble.
“This is what he said, ‘It’s especially women who’ve read some books who think they’re a level higher than other women. They’re the most troublesome, with so many demands and unrealistic thoughts. If I bought her freedom and took her back to Lanling, who knows how much fuss she’d make. It was best that I let her stay where she was just like that. With her conditions, she’d probably be popular for a few more years. She wouldn’t have to worry about her spendings for the rest of her life.’
“‘Son? Oh, forget it.’”
Jin GuangYao’s memory was extraordinary. With such a word-by-word repetition, one could even imagine that drunk expression of Jin GuangShan’s when he said these words, “Ge, look, those three words were all that I was worth to my father, ‘Oh, forget it.’ Hahahaha…”
Pain flashed before Lan XiChen’s face, “Even if your father… you…” He still couldn’t find an appropriate comment and gave up, sighing instead, “What is the use of saying all this now?”
Jin GuangYao shrugged as he smiled, “I can’t help it. To seek pity even after doing all these terrible things—that’s the kind of person I am.”
At the word ‘pity’, he suddenly flipped his wrist. A red guqin string wrapped around Jin Ling’s neck.
Tears still hung at the corners of Jin GuangYao’s eyes as he spoke, voice low, “Don’t move!”
"I had no choice", "I couldn't predict anyone would be killed" "He mocked and forgot my mother and I". He uses all of this as a try to convince a kind Lan Xichen to let him go. However,he contradicts his own defenses as he had said Wei Wuxian was always fated to die for his actions and lack of being to keep things under control. This empathy is faked on his end while he makes excuses all while he never extended the same courtesy to those he killed, innocent or not, and underhandedly still tries to get those sympathetic under his manipulations. When they are not working he resorts again to threatening lives. He uses his mother also as a reason for revenge, however his grab for power alone after Jin Guangshan and Nie Mingjue are killed was solely based on his own obsession of status at that point. His mother was no longer a goal to accomplish anything and his continued lies dragged in more than one innocent party to get what he wanted.
He never saw Jin Ling, Lan Xichen, Lan Wangji, or Wei Wuxian as anything but pawns despite his soft words to them that are really just a mockery within Guanyin Temple at that point. He has placed none of them before himself in terms of what he cares for and never had.
TL:DR: Jin Guangyao's "kindness" was always a mask and Nie Mingjue was right that he was irredeemable, genuinely unkind and cruel as a person.
(Edit: Jin Guangyao stans don't even try, I will block you if you dare to reply to this)
#mdzs#mdzs mo dao zu shi#Jin Guangyao#I'm a little tired of him being painted as something he is not too#he would never have been kind to Wei Wuxian in turn as he used his infamy for his own benefit#he said he was fated to die anyways#that's not friend material#nor would Wei Wuxian ever willingly work with him#lol good friend and shushu Jin Guangyao#please this take is just as annoying as any of Jiang Cheng's excuses
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Reading QianQiu after passively reading enough of your metas that I got faaar too involved without *knowing* anything and I'm *loving* it, so thank you so much! Sort of trying to do my best to read slowly because I unfortunately don't know enough Chinese to read the original and the translation isn't complete (and MTL is not my thing, especially as someone who has worked in translation). Anyways, just wanted to let you know that I love you and your posts and thoughts on danmei, on YanShen, on *flails arms* literally everything. 🥺
Sadly, recently I've sort of seen a lot of anti-fujoshi sentiment around (blocked the tag, but then the guilt-tripping kept churning in my head, so I went down the rabbit hole of discourse and uh, you know how *that* goes), so I meant to ask you something, as you're one of the rare people whose intellect I deeply, deeply respect. I know you've talked about fujoshi and the history of that term in some depth before and I too have looked at other Japanese breakdowns of this thing, but I was thinking that...what *does* constitute "fetishisation"? When does it crossover from shipping into *that* territory? I...struggle seeing myself doing anything of that sort, not because of some egoistic moral purity but because... I've literally blubbered and sobbed, complete with very nice sounding hiccups, over these mlm stories, Hunxi, as I'm sure many of us have too! Maybe it's romanticisation of gay ships, but that's not similar to fetishizing, and mlm... *is* about gay romance so lol. I'm just confused about this deal: what's the line? Is there even one? Shouldn't fetishisation be a concern about...real queer relationships (I tentatively offer the example of idol-shipping) and not characters in fictional landscapes?
sldkfjsdlkj okay first of all anon I want to point out the deep, deep irony in asking someone who identifies as ace to weigh in on fetishization discourse, because someone out there deserves to get at least a chuckle out of that
secondly, I do want to reiterate that I deliberately avoided talking about fetishization discourse in this post precisely because I feel dramatically unqualified to do so, but uhhh sure, guess I'll throw my 0.2 cents below the cut, all imaginable qualifiers apply
let’s come at this sideways, so hold my hand, we’re going on a thought experiment:
let’s say, for purposes of discussion, that there is a man with an Asian fetish. for ease of caricature, let’s say he is a straight, cisgender white man with an Asian fetish. Asian women turn him on; he is interested in becoming sexually and romantically involved with Asian women; he experiences sexual arousal in the company of Asian women; et cetera, et cetera, et cetera
so a fetish is, by its dictionary definition, an object or person, physical or imagined, that causes sexual arousal. An Asian fetish means that Asian women, or perhaps Asian-ness in general (whatever that means to you), causes sexual arousal. still with me?
cool, because here’s the thing about sexual arousal: it has fuck-all to do with consent
arousal is a bodily, physiological response to stimuli (external or imagined), which means that, generally speaking, we don’t have control over what arouses us. people can become sexually aroused by stimuli (pornography, sexual contact) without wanting to be aroused at all. arousal is not a sign of secret consent, or secretly wanting sex. me being allergic to pollen isn’t an indicator of my secret hatred for flowers--it’s a bodily response to external stimuli. Likewise, arousal just happens--it’s an indicator of nothing more, and nothing less, than the fact that something has triggered a physiological response, and it happens to be sexual in nature
so back to our hypothetical straight, cisgender white man with an Asian fetish. he discovers one day that there is a pattern to his sexual arousal, and that he’s really, really into Asian women. okay
I don’t think there’s anything inherently, morally, existentially, metaphysically wrong with having a fetish, just as there isn’t anything inherently, morally, existentially, or metaphysically wrong with having allergies. so your body has a certain response to certain external stimuli, okay! the question that follows, then, is this: what do you do about it?
let’s say our hypothetical, straight, cisgender white man decides to learn more about Asia, since hey, he’s got a vested interest, right? perhaps he begins taking Japanese lessons, which leads to him taking Japanese history courses, which leads to him studying abroad in Japan, which leads to him to writing a dissertation, to getting a P.h.D., to becoming one of the foremost Japanologists in the Anglophone sphere (oh, let’s assume he’s an English-speaker too for simplicity’s sake). He marries his Japanese girlfriend of seven years and celebrates every other new year’s with her family, where he chats up his in-laws with his accented-but-fluent Japanese and never fails to delight the distant cousin who still thinks it’s wildly novel that this white man can speak Japanese and reference anything from history to memes.
He still has an Asian fetish, which becomes relevant in the bedroom, becomes relevant when his girlfriend suggests children and he thinks about it and says sure, you just got tenure and I’m a year away from it, if you really want a kid let’s have one, and anyway they’ve been married for three years so it’s not like this is anything new to them
but back to where we began, which is with a straight, cisgender, Anglophone white man with an Asian fetish. can we say, in this idealized, hypothetical scenario of interracial romance and domestic bliss, that he did anything wrong?
was it wrong of him to study Japan? no, gatekeeping fields of study based on ethnicity is pretty backward, essentialist, and counterproductive. was it wrong of him to date an Asian woman? no, since we’re assuming that their relationship is fully consensual and joyful. was it wrong of him, a straight, cisgender Anglophone white man, who enjoys all the intersectional privileges based on his race and gender and birth and presentation, to date an Asian woman? no, because no single individual person is responsible for global systems of hegemonic, imperialist, and heteropatriarchal power structures that have formulated over literal centuries of human existence. individuals may participate in these power structures; they may be complicit, participatory, rebellious, subversive, but individuals are not, by virtue of the accident of birth, responsible for the existence of structures that preceded them into the world
all of which is to say, I think our hypothetical, straight, cisgender white man with an Asian fetish who dedicated his life to studying Japan and married a Japanese woman has, well, tried his best. sure, his point of departure might have been sexual arousal, but he didn’t stop there, didn’t let that become the end-all and be-all of his relationship with Asian-ness
so it seems to me that the problem of fetishes is not that they exist, but in how we respond to them--which is to say, the transition from ‘fetish’ to ‘fetishization,’ the verbifying of the noun in question
fetishization is a problem when it reduces the object (or person, real or imagined) to nothing more than its sexual purpose. when Asian women are reduced to nothing more than sexual objects, flattening their complexity and humanity into nothing more than a thing that inspires sexual arousal--that’s a problem. or hmm, what else gets slapped with the ‘fetishization’ label... oh sure, why not--loyalty kinks (also known as fealty kinks, often seen in bodyguard-client dynamics, or soldier-commander dynamics, or vassal-lord dynamics). is there anything inherently wrong with enjoying those dynamics, or portrayals of these dynamics? no, of course not--these relationships can be incredibly powerful and moving, in fiction or in reality, and there’s a saying somewhere about babies and bathwater that seems relevant here. the point is, if you reduce these relationships of intense loyalty and devotion to nothing more than the fact that you get sexually aroused by them, that’s where I think you’d run into trouble
so, back to the original question: where does enjoying a mlm relationship in a text end, and fetishizing mlm relationships begin? well, if the above logic extends this far, then the line is drawn at the reduction of mlm relationships to nothing more than the consumer’s sexual arousal. the line’s a bit wonky in fiction/media because, like--look, if it’s pornography or PWP fic, the whole point of it is sexual arousal, and we are not getting into a discussion about the morals of pornography--but again, the line is drawn at action, and specifically action that affects other people. if our hypothetical, straight, cisgender white man with an Asian fetish decided not to go out of his way to do anything about his Asian fetish (we’re not going to condemn him for what he does alone in the privacy of his bedroom, but let’s say he doesn’t catcall Asian women or stereotype them or make advances upon them either), then like. idk, that seems fine to me, you’re not obliged to make a sexual fetish your life’s driving purpose either, that’s like saying everyone with a foot fetish has to become a podiatrist and uhhh that seems a little ill-advised but that might just be me
this is getting stupid long again sdflskdfjslk but I think the tl;dr of it is that it’s perfectly fine and normal to have a fetish, just be critically aware of how it motivates your actions and the way you think, speak, and act (and how your thoughts, words, and actions affect the people you interact with). reductive fetishization doesn’t have to look like catcalling women on their street based on physical appearance; it might look like a blockbuster movie that reduces other people, aesthetics, or cultures to sexualized and exoticized set dressing with no complexity or critical examination. it might look like romanticizing or sexualizing fictional queer relationships and forcibly projecting that fictional romanticization/sexualization onto very real queer people and attempting to reduce them to your personal fantasies, regardless of their own experiences, feelings, beliefs, and desires. it might look like blithely or belligerently ignoring cultural complexity and historical context in favor of the specific interpretation that turns you on
tl;dr for real -- just be respectful and aware of how your preferences and biases influence the way you speak and interact with other people, especially in fandom spaces, and idk you’ll probably be fine
#uhhhhhhh does this belong in the tag I'm throwing it in the tag#hunxi thinks about danmei and gender#idk I do think that danmei is very much about female fantasies and female desires in East Asia#idk how much of it is actually about gay men#the concerns over danmei literature appropriating gay male voices are valid I think#but it's also not something that most of us have any qualifications to speak on#tl;dr keep a solid head on your shoulders and don't make sweeping generalizations about people or culture based on portrayals in webnovels#um#tw fetishization discourse#I think?#that being said if folks could stop fetishizing 知己/知音 that'd be lit thanks
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vexation | hyunjin
❀ genre; smut, college au, enemies au
❀ pairing; hyunjin x reader (fem)
❀ word count; 2.7k
[warning] strong language, explicit sexual content, dry humping, (mild) begging, hate sex
There it was: Hwang Hyunjin, name beautifully printed right above yours. You shuddered in complete disgust, not believing that you were paired with him of all people for your history presentation. There were 34 students in the class; that meant you had a whopping 97% chance of being paired with literally anyone else, but no. Your professor, Dr. Zhang, just had to pair you with him.
Overachiever: that was an understatement. He was the type to want all of the glory for the taking, the type to enjoy making others feel like they were dumb, the type who had no issue in forsaking common morals for his own gain.
You couldn’t fucking stand him.
Begrudgingly, you stood up from your original seat, trudging your feet to sit next to him - at your professor’s instruction, of course. You planned on at least being polite, and you thought for a second that he might do the same, but he didn’t even bother looking at you, staring through to the front of the room, eyes stoic. If he was trying to provoke you, it was definitely working.
You dropped your backpack to the ground, unceremoniously, sound drowning in the increasing levels of chatter in the small lecture hall, but clearly loud enough to make his composure teeter; his head jerked back a millimeter, a minuscule gesture but it was painfully obvious to you. And you let out an equally obvious slew of snickers before sitting back in the seat, neck meeting the old frayed fabric as you tilted your head back, arms stacking on one another as you folded them, woman spreading to occupy more real estate than you actually required.
You had to at least try to keep yourself amused.
Hyunjin began scribbling mindlessly on a blank piece of paper - still acting as if you were not even there.
He slammed the white sheet down on your knee, sending vibrations straight up your leg rather rudely.
Asshole.
Oh, baby, he hadn’t even started yet.
“Okay. We’re doing our paper on I-Hotel and… I’m gonna write it. All you have to do is find these books for me at the library.” He turned to look at you with a very aggravating smirk… maybe you’d notice the tiniest hint of flirtation if the feeling of overwhelming irritation didn’t encompass you.
But the chance passed when his countenance morphed into counterfeit concern, tapping his chin in contemplation for added effect, “although, I think the library’s computer system is down… I guess you gotta find them the old-fashioned way.” God, you just wanted to smack that smug grin right off his face. “I’d love to help you with that... but I’m just too busy…” It should’ve been illegal for intolerable people to be that gorgeous.
You blinked in complete confusion. “Ummm… excuse me?”
“I’m… sorry… do… I… need… to … talk… slower…?”
You gingerly picked up the piece of paper, promptly getting up from your chair, glaring at him. You made sure your backpack was secure on your shoulder before dramatically lifting the note in front of his face to tear what he wrote to shreds, scattering the bits over his laptop’s keyboard. “Stick a motherfucking cactus up your ass.”
You stormed out of that hall with your head high, not daring to look back despite your innate desire to see his response - you were sure it was priceless.
‘I’ll just have to do this damn thing on my own.’
Oh, if it could only be that simple.
The first thing that popped up on your laptop when you opened it from the safety of the library was an unexpected email.
Since you ripped up my list - rather rudely I might add - I’ve attached the list of the books I require. I will be at the library at four PM sharp. Please plan accordingly.
Hyunjin
“Fuck.”
‘Plan accordingly,’ your ass, according to you, your plan was to minimize the amount of time you had to spend dealing with Hyunjin, and you had been 100% sure he had the same sentiment… so much for that.
Speaking of the devil, as soon as you decided to dismiss his outlandish request and settle in to get some of your research started, Hyunjin yanked your attention away from your laptop with merely his presence, almost as if your nerves were hypersensitive to his saccharine dipped aura, and most definitely not to the signature sway of his frame as he walked.
You didn’t dare grant him the luxury of your direct gaze. Instead, you kept a close eye on him in your peripheral, hoping you’d blend in with the people around you… but there was still at least a 92% chance he’d see you.
“Did you get my sources?” and now he was right in front of you, nothing but a measly table in between.
Your nostrils flared in an effort to not retort back at Hyunjin, eyes still fixed on your screen in a successful attempt to ignore him.
Then he pushed your laptop closed, hand planted firmly on the device rather invasively. “Excuse me, I’m talking to you.”
You gritted your teeth, tilting your head up in a menacing stare, eyes narrowing, eyebrows furrowing. “What do you want?”
God, you didn’t know his smile could get more fake than it already was. “I told you to get my sources for me,” his tone was exaggeratedly slow, “did you get my sources?”
You shoved his hand away from your laptop. “Get your own sources.”
Immediately his fake smile turned into a sincere snicker, rolling his eyes off to the side. “Uptight bitch.”
His words sank in for a moment. “You wanna say that again?”
He leaned over the table, face a mere six inches from yours. “Uptight,” you could feel your fists involuntarily clenching, digging into your palms what would soon be prominent crescents in a matter of seconds, “bitch.”
You almost raised your palm to gratuitously slap him across the face but the simmering mellowness in you kept a tight grasp of your boiling anger. You leaned back in your seat in an effort to widen the physical gap (or the lack thereof) between you. “Fuck off.”
<><><><><><>
“Hyunjin, y/n, can you both come down to the podium,” Dr. Zhang added at the end of his lecture, halting your plans to b-line straight to the library.
As the aisles began to empty, you made your way down the steps to the front of the room, purposefully standing at the side opposite of Hyunjin, frankly paying no mind to him for all intents and purposes.
Your professor glanced between you two, clearly noticing the oddity of the image but purposefully choosing to ignore it.
“I noticed that both of you submitted first drafts for your paper, and at first I thought it was an accident, until I opened both files and realized you’re writing completely separate papers. Care to explain?”
“Yeah y/n, care to explain?” What a fucking dicktard.
Your lips pressed into a thin line as you wracked your brain for some feasible excuse. “Well,” but nothing came to mind… oh fuck it, “we’ve had issues working with each other.”
Dr. Zhang raised an eyebrow cautiously. “Elaborate.”
“We really don’t get along.”
He sighed, crossing his arms. “Well you’re gonna have to try to find some middle ground. I’ll give you two a second chance to put a first draft together. If you can submit a collaborative piece by midnight, I’ll still give you full credit for that part. If not, it stays as a zero. Subsequently, you will keep getting zeroes for the following checkpoints if you submit them separately. Any questions?”
“No, sir,” much to your surprise, that was the first moment thus far wherein both you and Hyunjin were on the same wavelength.
“Good, that is all.”
You felt like two negatively charged magnets as you walked side by side up the aisle to the exit. “I’m not getting a zero for this,” Hyunjin spoke up.
You rolled your eyes. “At least we can agree on that.”
As the cold, crisp air of the outside refreshed your nerves, he lightly gripped your shoulder, swerving you to face him. “Look, I know we’re like oil and water, but I’m willing to at least try to get along for the grade.” His fingers trembled on your shoulder; his teeth lightly grazed his bottom lip, eyes searching yours for a sign of truce.
Needless to say, the sentiment from him was unexpected. You exhaled deeply, brushing his hand from you. “Fine.”
<><><><><><><>
But two hours spent alone in a library study room proved to be more difficult than originally anticipated. Trying to work together felt like pulling teeth - a true collaboration of absolute vexation.
“What about this passage?” You pointed to some text in a book you were sifting through.
He swiveled his chair around, only looking at your find for a solid half a second before, turning back around. “Nah, that’s not good enough to use as evidence.”
“What the fuck, Hyunjin? You didn’t even read it.”
“I didn’t have to. I assumed whatever you found was as subpar as everything else you’ve ‘found.’”
You dropped the book on the table with a loud plonk, partially in shock at what he said and partially due to a natural tendency to want to irritate him. “Well let’s see what you ‘found,’” leaning over the table in a relaxed manner, carrying a dash of nonchalance as you scrolled through his writing. “You call this good evidence?”
“What on earth are you talking about?” You wanted to laugh at his defensive tone.
“It’s obvious that you’re framing your own narrative by taking shit outta context. Not to mention all the ellipses and brackets are terrifically horrendous, visually. You’re taking literally all the credibility out.”
“What do you know? I doubt you even read that article,” he dismissed your legitimate critique in a manner you unfortunately predicted.
“As a matter of fact, I did… two. hours. ago. And you told me the article didn’t seem ‘reliable’ enough for you, but here you are… you must think I’m fucking stupid.”
The side of his lips curved up in the slightest smirk. “Not true, I think you’re annoyingly absentminded.”
You rolled your eyes for the umpteenth time in the past minute, whispering, “fucking cockmaggot,” under your breath, diverting your attention back to your screen.
“What did you just say?” His tone suggested he wasn’t being rhetorical - he really didn’t hear you. There was something cute and innocent about his ignorance, the way his lips formed a subtle pout unintentionally, nose wrinkling in distaste. You mentally shook the image from your head, cursing yourself for thinking he was… ‘cute’ to begin with.
“Nothing, My Liege, nothing at all,” mocking sarcasm spilled from your lips as you parted them to give them a disapproving smack. “This is complete shit; we can’t submit this.”
Hyunjin slammed his laptop closed, standing up abruptly. The action took you by surprise, making your neck shudder in a startle. “I can’t fucking do this anymore. Why do you have to be so fucking difficult?” Pent up rage was slathered all over his face, eyes twitching, eyebrows tightly knitting together, jaw unhinging from an excess of epinephrine.
His anger diffused to you, violently charging your nerves. There was no way you were just gonna take his shit sitting down. “Why do you,” you stood up, chair rocking back from the velocity of your limbs, “have to be,” you turned around and gripped his collar with both hands, “such an insufferable asshole?”
He was dumbfounded, wordless much to your satisfaction, but his eyes were unwavering, devoid of reaction. The time you spent stabbing each other with your unfaltering gazes felt like a goddamn eternity, tension coarse, sinfully tangible on your skin.
It was fucking stifling.
Before you even realized what was happening, your lips were latched together in a fervent frenzy, tension thickening for an entirely different reason now.
There was something so breathtaking about the way his lips tightened against yours - literally. It felt like he was siphoning your soul from your body - any thought that dared to grace your mind oddly dissolved into nothingness as Hyunjin molded your lips into submission, tongue colonizing your oral cavity in an authoritative manner that was so in character for him.
Not that you gave a fuck.
His hands aggressively tugged at your waist; the impact of your body crashing onto his sent pangs up your spine, and in seconds, your back thudded against the wall, maintaining the momentum. You had to grip his shoulders purely for support, and definitely not because you were immersing in the moment.
You felt his grip loosen as his hands roamed downward, playfully drawing patterns on your skin with his fingers en route. And then they constricted around your thighs, lifting them up to his hips, and you hooked your ankles around his back as if it was the natural thing to do.
The fabric of his pants became taut around the building frustration underneath, becoming oh so apparent to you when he started steady grinding against the thin fabric of your underwear - why did you have to wear a skirt today of all days?
You passed a reluctant whimper through his lips, wholly unable to deny the way your pulsing desire radiated heat through your core at the increasing friction.
You broke away from the kiss, gasping. “Hyunjin…” you whispered almost breathlessly, desperation filling you as he continued his tantalizing test of your patience.
“Hmmm?” There it was: that signature smug grin, but by this point, your senses were too preoccupied to even register it.
“I can’t take this anymore.”
“Is that so?” He lifted you off the wall, pushing your laptops to either side so he could lay you on the table, spreading your legs to give him clear sight of your dampening sex. He snickered. “You look much better like this…” While ghosting one hand around your inner thighs, conveniently avoiding the place you needed him the most, he undid the button and zipper of his jeans with the other, sliding them down to his knees.
You found yourself licking your lips at the silhouette of his bulge, now more prominent with less restricting fabric. Of course, he noticed; “so these are you true colors… I never would’ve thought you were such a dirty girl.” He brushed his fingers over the waistband of your underwear. “Where do you need me?” He pressed his thumb on your clit, “here?”
Your teeth pressed down on your lips in an effort to stifle a moan. “Yes…” and even though you were successful the first time, there was no stopping the sounds from seeping through your lips when Hyunjin slammed his clothed erection on you once more, picking up exactly where he left off just moments ago.
“Please, Hyunjin…” he pushed your thighs further apart, keeping them in place.
“‘Please,’ what?”
“I need you inside me, please.”
His sinister laugh filled the small room. “I don’t know if you deserve it.”
“Fucking asswipe.”
“Now that doesn’t sound very convincing…”
You groaned in pleasurable displeasure. “Hyunjin… please, I’m begging you. I really can’t take this.”
“Don’t you care if someone tries to come in?” He raised an eyebrow, partially in curiosity, mostly in amusement.
You glared right into his eyes. “No.”
He shook his head, clicking his tongue as he stood back. “Get up.” Any urge you had to defy him before was long gone; you did as he asked and he harshly turned you around by your waist, pushing you toward one of the windows.
While pushing you down against the glass with one hand, he reached in his front pocket with the other, grabbing a condom. He ripped the packaging with his teeth, skillfully sliding his boxers down to slip the vinyl over him.
Not wanting to wait any longer, you aided him by pulling your panty down leaving yourself completely exposed for his taking, and you quickly pushed your hands on the glass, bracing yourself for the next few seconds, but nothing could’ve prepared you for that stretch that came. Your wrist slid down on the window pane to bite back a scream.
“So tight.”
><><><><><><><
A/N I’mma be honest: I had a fucking field day coming up with all those weird insults
#hyunjin smut#hyunjin college au#hyunjin#hwang hyunjin#hyunjin imagine#hyunjin scenario#hyunjin x reader#hyunjin x you#stray kids#stray kids smut#stray kids college au#stray kids scenario#stray kids imagine#skz scenario#skz smut#skz imagine#skz college au#bangchan smut#lee know smut#changbin smut#han smut#seungmin smut#lee felix smut#jeongin smut
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bubblegum pop
requested: no
group: twice
pairing: sana x fem!reader
genre: fluff
contents: rich girl!sana, college!au, cashier!reader.
warnings: none
synopsis: An unfortunately hostile encounter with the school’s sweetest rich girl might just lead to more than you ever expected.
a/n: inspired by @pearicot‘s mean girl rosie series! (by the way, i’m not trying to feed into the “dumb sana” stereotype with this; i just thought that her personality fitted the character i was trying to achieve! does anyone wanna request continuations or scenarios in this universe 👀
word count: 3.3k
Something about Mondays the week of finals always got you in a bad mood, especially when you had to work double shifts at the same stupid ice cream shop you’d worked at for the past 2 years of college.
So maybe, just maybe, there was reasoning behind you snapping at the love of your life during your first meeting.
Actually, there really, really wasn’t.
There were plenty of mean girls on campus who you wouldn’t regret yelling at whatsoever, but you just happened to blow up at one of the considerably nicer rich girls.
Minatozaki Sana didn’t mean anything bad when she innocently held out a hundred dollar bill to pay for a $5 ice cream. She didn’t mean to seem pretentious, nor did she mean to mock you and your minimum-wage job, but you just so happened to take it that way.
“Really? You have to rub it in my face like that?”
Sana stared at you, the money that she held out wavering in the ear. “Sorry?”
Pinching the space between your eyebrows, you huffed out an exasperated breath. Luckily, there was no one else in the shop about to witness the stupidest meltdown of your life. “You think I don’t know that I’m poor? It’s five dollars for God’s sake, no need to bring out the big guns. Oh, or are you doing this to avoid seeming more pretentious with your daddy’s black card?”
The brunette’s hand retreated quickly, the heels of her Louboutins clacking softly against the pastel-toned linoleum of the ice cream shop. Fuck, you hated that linoleum. “I... I didn’t mean any of that, I swear! Um, is there an ATM near here?”
Once again, the girl meant well, and you took it badly. You scoffed, glaring disbelievingly at her. Some part of you was screaming out that you were putting your entire job at stake, and your morals as well, but you disregarded any common sense remaining in your brain. “An ATM for 5 bucks? Dude, just don’t.” Dipping your hand into the tip jar, you scrounged out a lousy crumpled bill and threw it down on the counter, shoving the bubblegum-flavored sweet to Sana. “Okay? Now get out, I don’t want to see your privileged ass anywhere near here.”
The dense gray clouding your mind somehow missed the hurt expression on the girl’s face as the staff door swung open. Wendy’s hands, though gentle on your shoulders, shoved you behind her with surprising force. “I am so sorry, Sana, it’s finals week. Surely you can understand? The ice cream’s on the house.”
“No, of course it’s okay!” Sana sounded genuine enough, that was for sure; you caught her glancing worriedly at you a couple times, nothing malicious whatsoever in her eyes. “I can pay though, are you sure?”
“I’m sure. See you in class,” Wendy called out, smiling all the while until the girl disappeared into the Lamborghini parked by the curb. As soon as that happened, she turned back to you, concern tugging at the corner of her lips. “Y/N...”
“Yeah, I know,” you mumbled as you crossed your arms. Already, you were regretting what you said, though you were far too stubborn to actually apologize on the spot. “No arguing with customers about capitalism. Sorry, Wendy.”
The girl bit her lip, scanning the store to make sure that there wasn’t about to be an influx of customers. Usually she enjoyed working with you; you just had absolutely terrible mood swings sometimes, and those days were nothing short of hellish for her to deal with. “Just head home. Focus on your finals, and come back next week. Okay?”
You hesitated to agree, knowing that you needed the money, but the grim expression on Wendy’s face told you that you had no other option. “Okay. Sorry.”
As you snatched up your stuff and shoved the door to the street open, you missed the sight of Sana watching you through the tinted windows of her 6-figure car.
“Really? Sana?”
“I know,” you groaned, biting down on the plastic spoon in your mouth. The flavor of the month (the only one you could eat completely free) lingered unpleasantly on your tongue, the taste of it oddly salty. “She was so nice about it, too.”
Jeongyeon and Mina exchanged glances, not touching their respective cups of “Ocean Caramel” either. It was extremely kind of them to come and accompany you on the slow days, both of them even offering to suffer through the gross ice cream with you. “If it was Park Roseanne I might understand, but Sana,” Mina winced. Jeongyeon nodded in agreement; after all, everyone on campus knew about the reputations of Roseanne and Sana.
On one end of the “rich girl” spectrum, Roseanne was quite possibly the bitchiest one of all. She and her Bugatti Veyron, the college upgrade from her old McLaren, absolutely weren’t to be messed with. People who went to high school with you often told story of the G Wagon she smashed, the locker room she lit on fire, and so many other horror tales of a spoiled girl gone wild. You were sure that had you gone off on her, even Wendy wouldn’t have stopped you.
But on the other end, Sana was notoriously kind. Sure, her family raked in an income close to that of the other girl’s, and her wardrobe was just as expensive, but she made a point to donate to charities every time she went shopping. She tipped in the hundreds, and she didn’t ever ask for her designer clothes back when she lent them to strangers. She paid any dinner bill in full when she was there, and sometimes even when she wasn’t invited.
No one was entirely sure about the relationship between the two, but Roseanne seemed to hate Sana more than she did other people. The two fought publicly occasionally, but Sana’s kind heart made it so that even Roseanne couldn’t carry a fight very long. She didn’t respond to insults, it seemed, nor did she ever seem to actually take them personally.
Stirring her half-melted soup, Mina continued, “Hopefully she doesn’t hold it against you. She doesn’t seem like the type, but...”
Jeongyeon shook her head, opening her mouth just as the doorbell rang. You froze when you looked up to find a designer-dressed bombshell, a sweet smile outlined in Chanel Rouge Allure. She looked completely out of place amidst tired college kids spending their last paycheck on ice cream, white gauzy sleeves and blue dress shimmering under LED lights. If you were being honest, you’d say that she was the most beautiful person you’d seen in your life, but you were always well versed in lying to yourself. “Y/N, you better go.”
“Why?” you whined, pouting at your much more responsible friends. They ignored your puppy face, though; Jihyo was usually the only one you could sway, Momo sometimes if she was feeling merciful. “I’m on break.”
“Only when there’s no customers,” Mina argued, shoving you to stand. Jeongyeon smiled at you, waving you away. “Go, and don’t screw it up this time.”
You forced a smile onto your face when you reached the counter, bowing and adjusting your name tag. “Hi, what can I help you with today?”
“Hi, Y/N!” Sana grinned, bowing back. The fact that she remembered your name only made your guilt worse; if she forgot who you were, you could at least pretend that she didn’t remember the incident at all. “Ah, could I have the same thing as last time? Bubblegum Pop ice cream, on a sugar cone today. 3 scoops?”
Nodding, you moved to open the case, avoiding the girl’s gaze as you did. “Of course.” She was quiet at that, staring at the ceiling so as not to rush you. Without prompting, you blurted, “I’m... I’m really sorry about last week, by the way. I don’t know what I was thinking, blowing up at you like that.”
“Oh, no, it’s okay!” she protested, waving a manicured hand in the air. “I promise I understand you. We all have our bad days.”
You wanted to apologize again, if just to assuage your guilt, but you held off on it, joking, “How do you deal with them? Yell at Gucci assistants?”
Sana looked honestly offended as she accepted the cone proffered to her, eyes widening in shock. “I’ve never done that, I swear! Besides, I don’t like Gucci much.”
A light smile quirking at the corners of your lips, you handed the receipt to her as well. She didn’t ask for it, probably not caring about the measly price or having the space for it in her tiny bag, but took it anyway. “I’m sure you don’t. Your total is $5.23, will that be cash or card?”
“Cash!” She held out a 10 dollar bill, pride shining behind that gorgeous face as you raised your eyebrows in surprise. When your hands brush together, you were reminded of how much better she was than you, how you probably weren’t worthy at all to be touching her with your shop-issued baseball cap and grimy apron. But Sana doesn’t seem to mind, still smiling that airy smile at you and not moving away. She broke your stare by offering, “I don’t want to sound rude, but keep the change.”
“Not rude at all,” you fully laughed that time, dishing out the remainder to stuff in your tip jar. You still felt terrible that she felt the need to apologize about such a normal comment, asking, “Are you sure it’s okay? You can have this one free too, if it makes up for me shouting at you...”
Sana shook her head, sugary light pink already mixing into her lipstick. She walked away, still waving with that gorgeous smile on her face. “It’s okay. I’ll see you soon, Y/N, you look really pretty today!”
Turning back to your friends, you whispered, “Damn. She’s really nice.”
You planned on spending your one day off from school and work cozied up with a good book and your favorite hot drink, but you supposed that getting into a fight with Park Roseanne wasn’t the worst way to go either.
As soon as you entered campus, book in hand and blasting music in your earbuds, you found a crowd of at least 3 dozen people right in front of the library building. It was unlike you to butt into others’ business, especially when it might lead to a ruined day, but Roseanne’s voice carried loud over the hushed whispers of everyone else. “--huh, Sana?”
It wasn’t any of your business, but for some reason, Roseanne’s tone when saying Sana’s name angered you immensely. Frowning, you shouldered your way through the crowd. The closer you got to the center, the more expensive the clothing that brushed against your own rough jean jacket was, cotton and leather becoming silk and velvet. You originally planned to just fit in with the other spectators, but with a shove at the small of your back, you were thrust into the center too.
To your shock, Sana’s eyes were red and shining with tears, the tip of her nose cherry-colored as well. Her head was almost bowed as she stared at her shoes, but she looked up to you when you almost bumped into her. You stuttered out, “H-hey. What’s going on?”
Instead of an explanation from the Japanese girl, though, your gaze was drawn to the blonde across the courtyard. “Didn’t you hear? Little Miss Perfect here got broken up with,” Roseanne scoffed, an infuriating smirk on her perfect face as she tilted her head at you. “By a future CEO, no less. I guess she isn’t a gold-digger, or maybe there’s some other reason that he didn’t want her anymore.”
Your hand shot out to protect Sana, a scowl making its way onto your own face. “Excuse me? From my standpoint, any future CEO is still way outta her league, so forgive me for doubting that he’s the one who didn’t want her. You’re the one dating someone who makes a tenth of what you do.”
Roseanne rolled her eyes, lips thinning. “Don’t talk about my girlfriend like that, Y/L/N, or you’ve got another thing coming. There aren’t many lesbians in this damn school.”
“You know me, don’t you?” Sana’s voice was wavering as she spoke, but it was strong enough to echo in the courtyard. To your surprise (and somewhat satisfaction), the blonde girl’s eyes widened as Sana stood forward, her lips jutting forward. “That’s why I’m not dating him anymore. I like girls, too.”
Somehow, you’d never expected that Sana was attracted to girls, but it made perfect sense. An irrational part of you wanted to cheer, but instead, you forced yourself to speak.
“R-right.” You continued to glare at Roseanne, who finally seemed to be speechless. “Yeah, so how come you’re tearing Sana down? We should be supporting each other, but you’re being so rude to someone so kind, and that says all I need to know about you.”
Reaching out, you latched onto Sana’s upper arm and pulled her out of the circle, people parting to let the two of you through as Roseanne wasn’t able to conjure up something to respond with. You didn’t stop walking until there was only silence surrounding you under the shade of a swaying tree, finally stopping to let the girl sit. “Are you okay?” you asked, brow furrowed as you knelt to be mostly face-level with her.
Somehow, there was a smile on her face; a slightly snotty smile, but nonetheless the most beautiful one you’d ever seen in your life. You ignored the uncomfortable leap of your heart when you reached out to take her hands into your own, somehow forgetting about the hostility you’d felt towards her from the beginning. “You- you stood up for me.”
“Yeah. I did, I guess,” you shrugged, smiling slightly. “I’m sure that was rough, though, to come out. How’re you feeling?”
“Honestly, much better,” Sana sighed. She leaned back, fingers curling slightly around yours as the afternoon sun shone golden brown in the locks of hair spread out on her shoulders. “It was good to get it off my chest. I didn’t even know you were into girls, you know.”
Reaching up to scratch your head, you chuckled, “Well, I am, if it makes you feel any better. What happened between the two of you, by the way? She seems to hate you so much.”
The girl laughed, as bubbly and airy as her regular voice. “I may or may not have dated her girlfriend before. But it was a long time ago, and I’m still friends with her! Roseanne just can’t forgive me.”
You feigned shock, swatting at her arm. “How terrible of you! I’m so disappointed.”
You were stuck simply smiling at each other for a good minute or so before you looked away, picking at your shoelace for something to do. “So. Uh, Roseanne knew the whole time?”
“She did,” Sana confirmed, nodding. “She just never talked about it.”
“Well, it’s good to know that she isn’t the only other one in the school with me,” you sighed, sitting back on your heels.
Sana lurched back forward, hands clasping together at her chest. “Then we should celebrate! We can go shopping or something, and we can just be happy that we aren’t alone anymore.”
It suddenly struck you how quickly you could change the girl’s entire outlook, a smile coming onto her face with no effort from you whatsoever. But even more surprising, you smiled even larger than she did just looking at her.
Laughing, you sat back on your heels and shook your head lightly. Seeming to take it as a rejection, Sana’s eyes widened. “Oh, only if you want to, of course! We can go wherever you want, we don’t even have to go shopping if you don’t want to!”
“No, we can go shopping,” you answered, reaching back over to squeeze her hand and pulling her up with you when you stood. “Come on, then. Let’s go celebrate.”
Sana wasn’t a great driver, but you didn’t expect much else. You were practically sick to your stomach by the time that you reached the mall, face green as you swayed out of the car.
“Ah, Y/N, I’m sorry!” Her hands rubbed lightly at your back as you squatted in the parking lot, fist held tight to your mouth. It wasn’t like you were actually going to throw up, but you didn’t want to risk ruining the girl’s expensive shoes. “I’ll let you drive next time.”
Next time? you wanted to ask. But you managed to stand, nodding quickly to ease Sana’s worry. “Yeah. It’s fine, I’m fine. Should we go?”
Immediately, she latched onto your hand, swinging between the two of you as she started to rush forward. “H-hey, lock your car first!”
Sana had unsurprisingly expensive tastes, but also surprisingly understated ones. She was fun to shop with, that was for sure- she loved to offer you clothes and also to offer to pay for them, but you didn’t necessarily hate a pretty girl telling you you’d look gorgeous in a certain sparkly dress.
She didn’t do any of the typical stuck-up things you expected her to- Sana carried her own bags, and she never forced you to follow her instead of doing what you wanted to. She did like to try on outfits and show them to you, but that could be ignored when it was just another opportunity for you to stare at her.
Eventually, you ended up having ice cream at one of the stores in the mall. You balked at the price, but Sana swiped her credit card without hesitation. “I have to admit, this bubblegum doesn’t taste as good as yours,” she pouted.
Chuckling, you savored the rich flavor on your own tongue. “You should’ve picked an expensive flavor then. Vanilla and chocolate are always good in these kinds of stores.”
“You know a lot about ‘these kinds of stores’ for someone who claims to be poor,” she teased, eyes widening as soon as the words slipped out of her mouth. “Oh, I’m sorry! I didn’t mean-”
“Nah, it’s fine,” you smiled, leaning on your palm. “I’m good with it, since we’re friends now.”
Sana grinned at that, her eyes curving charmingly. “We’re friends? Most people don’t want to be friends with me, I’m really glad you’re willing to.”
“Why wouldn’t they?”
Looking down for once, the girl mumbled, “They say I’m dumb. You know that everyone says I’m nice, but they also think I’m dumb because I pay for everything. I just want to be kind, but no one takes me seriously.”
A wave of guilt rushed over you for previously feeding into the stereotype. The more time you spent with Sana, the more you realized that she was as brilliant as any other, and far more kind. “Well, that’s stupid. You are kind, Sana, and you’re amazing. I’m lucky to be your friend.”
She clasped your hand over the table, soft skin warm over yours, pink flushing in her pale cheeks. “Thank you, Y/N. You know, this is the best time I’ve had in a while. My boyfriend didn’t even listen to me this well,” she laughed.
Despite the fact that she treated it as a joke, you felt horrible. She was all too used to thinking the worst about herself and not believing that she was worth any better, and that was the worst possible thing you could imagine for a girl with a heart of gold. Jabbing your spoon into the remaining ice cream, you blurted, “Then go on a date with me. A proper one, not just a normal hangout like this.”
Sana instantly blushed, looking down as if it’d hide her face at all. But she missed the heat that rose to your cheeks too, the nervous biting of your lip as you waited for a response. “I would love nothing more,” she smiled, her eyes shining brilliantly. “And I can’t wait.”
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