#deeply depressed

[a-hearts-a-heavy-burden]

I arranged a payment schedule for my storage unit but it does me absolutely no good. I do not have the money to make the next payment (by Nov 14th) and if I can't they sell my unit immediately.

I'm fucking gutted. I am so fucking upset but I can't even fucking cry it out because my sister is going to make me feel like garbage for it.

So it's just sitting in my brain and in my gut needing to be released in some emotional way but I haven't had any fucking time alone to just cry.

I don't know what to do. I'm in the negative in my bank account. I am wearing dirty clothes because I don't have money to wash them and I'm not allowed to borrow money from my sister. All of my belongings are about to be fucking sold off to some rich creep. Family photos, gifts from and for friends, family ornaments etc. All gone.

I am fucking sick of being fucking broke. I apply and apply and apply and get no fucking interviews. I get paid $380 once a month and that's it. I want to just not exist anymore. I'm so fucking sad and so fucking done with this life.

I just want to disappear 😞

#deeply depressed #hurting #sad #loss #losing everything #feeling disgusting #I just need a fucking break

[learningfromlosing]

I'm god's "easy A" that turned out fucked up bc they forgot until the last second now I'm like a half assed art project thats only getting a C bc it was a good idea poorly executed

#lonely #deeply depressed #send help

[blue-wolf-seeker]

I tried to stave off the nightly Depression Hour by staying up and dyeing my hair (added purple roots to my red and refreshed the red) and hoping I'd just be tired enough after to just go to sleep without being sad

Unfortunately-

#anyway does anyone have any tips on how to not cry yourself to sleep bc you've made terrible decisions in your life that have made you #deeply depressed #asking for a friend

[thyknife]

xo

#i am #so nauseous #and also #deeply depressed #to the point my therapist is recommending both in and outpatient programs #and yet #i am most bothered by the fact #that I cannot write

[genderjuicee]

hate when ppl only view being autistic/adhd/neurodivergent as a bad thing

bc yes i will have a breakdown if it is to loud or a noise is to high

but also the other day i listened to a song and it triggered the happy chemicals and spent thirty minutes jumping around my room and spinning and stimming and it was literally the happiest ive ever been in years

#fairly certain this was a result of my audhd #geniunely the happiest ive been it at least 3 years #think my depressions starting to actually get better #should start demasking more #its to bad my mask is deeply ingrained in my identity lmao #autism #audhd #neurodivergent #adhd #actually autistic #actually adhd

[atlas-and-the-time]

The greater grief

#my art #art #digital art #illustration #aot #snk #eruri #attack on titan #shingeki no kyoujin #levi #erwin smith #erwin x levi #the amount of time i spent on this deeply regretting my life choices #you’ll never catch me doing backgrounds again #not that this is THAT complex but i suffer severe ptsd from my set design exam the nightstand was a nightmare #anyway the title is from tsoa because why not #and perhaps it is the greater grief after all to be left on earth when another is gone #the post midnight sun depression still hits hard

[dungeonmechoui]

Unprofessional yuri save me.. save me unprofessional yuri.. (image description in alt text)

#cithadol #cithis #pattadol #before anyone starts clowning the prison warden is Not a teen! seems to be the fanon for some people but respectfully i Strongly Disagree #anyway back to business - anyone else started shipping them after the modern AU company meal outing comic that kui posted some time ago ? #this ship is even funnier the longer i think about it because Pattadol is not even Cithis' warden ! thats mithrun ! #i could see cithis wanting to do her 'seduce my warden' strategy twice (see her lore page) but then she gets mister depression man #so all she can do to amuse herself is focus her efforts on the other cop there as a little hobby. probably helps that pat is young & pretty #but also deeply annoying so finding ways to make her shut up and stop nagging the crew is a motivating endeavor #okay ill shut up now #dungeon meshi #just cooking my stew (art tag)

[13dps]

#psychonauts #i forgot the word for psycho portal nd had to go on wiki to remember..deeply depressed

[thatswhatsushesaid]

psa that the day there are no jgy stans left on tumblr dot com is the day i am dead

but rest assured i'll go to my grave exactly as i lived: obnoxiously proclaiming to everyone within earshot how great lianfang-zun is. narratively, metaphorically, spiritually. sexually, too, like why limit myself. i like to keep my options open

#the spirit of su minshan possessed me for a minute there but like. i'm fine with it #jin guangyao #he did crimes??? good for him 😌 #editing this post to add that while the tone here is clearly joking #i really am fundamentally still engaged with this fandom #and with this book #almost exlcusively because of my enjoyment of jgy #even xiyao is secondary for me like i love it and i'm ride or die for it obvs #but jgy as a character is the main draw for me. and he would have me by the throat even if there was no zewu-jun #(tho i think jgy's life would be more depressing for his absence obviously) #but he is just. /clenches my fists!!! #THE most compelling character in the story and i cannot stop thinking about him!! cannot will not!! #who else in this book has his range? who else can be the doe-eyed idealist AND the spy with blood on his hands who ends a war? #who else is two different greek tragedies and at least two separate shakespearean tragedies rolled into one antagonist #an antagonist who but for the POV of the novel could very easily have been the protagonist #whose moral event horizon is so deeply entwined with his own trauma and abuse that there is no way to meaningfully separate #the violence he does to others from the systemic violence that was done to him for his whole life? #who else in this book manages to get five separate sect leaders utterly obsessed with him no matter how you choose #to interpret that obsession? #no one!!! that's who!! #ain't no one else in the jianghu doing it like lianfang-zun and that's just a goddamn fact

[mercifullymad]

i feel passionately about the need to enfold people experiencing (or diagnosed) with "just" depression or anxiety into the mad pride project. the more people who view themselves as mad, the better. much as the rhetorical move from "neurotypical" to "neuroconforming" emphasizes the artifice & social construction of "neurotypicality," so too will expanding identification as "mad" expose the sane/mad dichotomy as a false one.

it's true that (some) people with "just" depression and/or anxiety have an easier time navigating the psych system than people who have more stigmatized diagnoses. but this is not to say that they necessarily have an easy time — the carceral psych system is hostile to everyone subsumed by it, even the most "privileged" patients. we should of course critique & examine how our experiences are shaped by various intersections of privilege, but we cannot forget or ignore how someone with "just" a depression/anxiety diagnosis can still experience the full force of the carceral psych system brought down upon them (including but not limited to involuntary institutionalization, police intervention, & forced medication or other forced treatment).

we must encourage, if not insist, that those with the least-stigmatized diagnoses view their difficult experiences navigating the psych system as bound up with the liberation of people who have more stigmatized diagnoses &, often, a more violent experience of the psych system. we need more people to drop the "i have anxiety/depression but i'm not crazy" line and say loudly, "i have anxiety/depression & i am crazy. my access to just treatment is linked to the conditions of all other crazy people, who are my allies, peers, & friends. we are united in our cause & we all deserve a more liberating system of care."

#mad pride #mad liberation #disability justice #the way that one IG influencer who called depression & anxiety “vanilla” diagnoses has lived rent-free in my mind for the past five years.. #i was soooo upset by that for like three years & now i'm like. okay. it is a little funny. #but also i do think that somewhere in the 'destigmatization'/commodification of anxiety/depression (treatment) #we have lost the plot & forgotten that 'just' these experiences on their own can still be deeply distressing & chronic & endangering #& can make people (be viewed as) just as 'crazy' as someone with a more stigmatized diagnosis #& for me personally my experiences of anxiety & depression have been far more disabling than anything else #sorry i keep editing this post to correct typos...story of my life

[basimibnishaqs]

saw a post about how “apparently in the novelization of rotj Luke was hoping the Death Star would explode with him on it” like no that’s not (just) the novel that straight up the text of the film his plan is literally to stall palpatine long enough for the rebels to destroy Death Star 2 he literally tells palpatine to his face that “soon i will be dead and you with me” he SMILES as he says it like we’re going down in a fiery blaze together, bitch, and if we’re both dead i won’t have turned or have been forced to kill my own dad and i’ll be dead and you’ll be dead that’s a win win let’s dance

#SHAKING PEOPLE to please see Luke as the deeply depressed impulsive s/icidal protagonist he is #what do you think the end of esb was. the entirety of him being reckless as fuck in rotj #his plan is to die!!!! for the rebellion!!! for leia!!! #straight up the only reason he even dragged himself off the Death Star is for her #Luke is so deeply mentally ill I love him #star wars #luke skywalker

[thebibliosphere]

I really don’t understand some people who tell you to “chill out” or “relax” when you’re expressing enthusiasm or happiness about something. Like yeah, sure, maybe my excitement seems misplaced to you, but maybe I’m just a happy person. Or maybe I’m trying to engineer some sense of whimsy and relief from the relentless horrors of daily existence so I don’t kill myself.

Either way, you’re being a dickhead.

#suicide mention #tw suicide #I’m a deeply depressed individual #I’ve been suicidal for the last 3 years #telling me I’m too happy or too excited is so ducking funny to me #like sorry bud #I’m just trying to survive

[learningfromlosing]

honey you're not making any sense and I support that

#casually insane #deeply depressed #no sleep #insomnia #agoraphobia

[daftmooncretin]

if captain kirk irresponsible? why huge baby cow eyes???

if captain kirk bad captain? why-

you thought i was gonna talk about his voluptuous titties fat ass sparkling personality and unflinching moral character ? no.

if you say kirk is a bad captain i will kill you. I will shoot you into space like they did to bill shatty when he wouldn’t shut tf up about going to space

except unlike bill shatty ill send you up naked and defenceless into the vast chasm of space your lungs will explode and your eyes will fall out or some shit (i saw that in a doctor who episode)

kirk drift is getting out of hand and my response to this is ending all kirk drifters and repopulating the earth with kirklophiles such as myself and my dad paul.

#also kirk is neither irresponsible or a bad captain he leads with and incredible mix of compassion logic and patience #he deeply respects star fleet and the work he does for it but has no problem challenging both their views and his own for the good of other #puts his crew first at all times #deep curiosity and hope for the future #also cunty #kirk drift #i have not slept in 36 hours #i spent 5 hours writing wwdits fanfiction on microsoft notes and eating icing out of a tub #im trying to get into the next gen but i miss kirk so much #picard is so bald and straight #and the sexism is somehow worse #idk #im so tired #and i need to clean my depression room cause my moms coming to visit #boooooo #star trek tos #star trek #spirk #jim kirk #spock

[pathetic-gamer]

#alan wake #alan wake 2 #its honestly a little funny how EXTREMELY not okay he is even when he's still got the Cool Guy persona up in the first game #tormented by nightmares from a young age. anger management issues. assaults paparazzi. described by his agent as 'manic depressive.' #lowkey obsessive about his wife. presumably has substance abuse issues. so deeply unwilling to confront and accept his own #flaws that he *may* have created an entire extradimentional being that killed dozens of people about it. no qualms about using #people's real lives to his advantage in his stories (see AWAN dialog with the scientist lady). calls himself basically a god even though #he didnt even get out of the dark place by himself (and never would have). generally an shitheaded asshole. #definitely a character of all time #(to be fair though he's significantly less of an asshole in aw2)

[oatmealuv]

love for love’s sake carefully, and beautifully handled mental health. they didn’t sugar coat the depression myungha and yeowoon were experiencing.

a lot of times in bl we see characters going through hardships, but by the magic of love they’re better again or everything gets fixed. external love definitely plays a huge part in healing and being able to get through hard situations more swiftly, but it’s hardly ever the sole solution.

myungha getting a bf didn’t cure him, gaining friends didn’t cure him. he had two guys wrapped around his finger, his grandma was alive yet he still has low self worth. he’s someone that has been depressed for so long, has had deeply ingrained negative beliefs about himself that have kept him from ever being truly happy. he believes that nobody could ever love him, he can’t bother anybody with his problems because he’s a burden.

this is why depressed people isolate, they believe all of the things the depression is telling them and it is incredibly difficult to change that. it can take years to change the way you percieve yourself and the world, i think the buffs were the blockages in myungha’s perception. when yeowoon said “i love you” to him, there was an error message because deep in his soul he believes that as an impossibility. his buffs were because of his attempts to getting close to yeowoon, he saw it as a danger because getting close would mean that he would burden yeowoon.

myungha’s life was so so sad, poor guy was dealt such bad cards. his mom living happily without him as if he never existed served as proof of the negative things he’s been telling himself. realizing that you’re nothing to no one, that you’re hard to love or you’re too much is such a hard pill to swallow. it might not be objectively true, but if your mind believes it, then that’s all it takes to completely break your spirit. myungha kills himself because he sees no reason for his life, his mom abandoned him, his gf broke up with him, and his grandmother is dead. his reason for life is reliant on other people it isn’t an internal reason.

now when he’s in the game, he’s faced with the choice of who he loves more, yeowoon or his grandma. i think that they decide to make him choose between them because he can’t fathom receiving love from two people at once. it’s overwhelming, and terrifying for someone that has had limited quantities of love his whole life. his love for yeowoon is the truest love he’s ever felt besides his grandmother. yeowoon and myungha are equals, share a lot of similar life experiences, yeowoon opens up his heart and is ready to be there for him unconditionally. even when myungha refuses to share what he’s feeling, when he is actively breaking his heart, he is willing to change whatever it takes just to be around him. having someone show you that unconditional love is both incredible and so scary at the same time. that person is seeing you at your most vulnerable, at your worst and still choosing you.

myungha is used to self-abandonment, it’s all he knows. he felt like choosing yeowoon would mean choosing himself, and in turn would mean he is selfish and leaving is grandmother to die. if he chose his grandmother he would stick to his usual self, but yeowoon would possibly go back to how he was in the beginning and die. to him everything seems like a huge risk because he feels the weight of the world on his shoulders. of course in the game that really was the consequence, choose one life over another. but i think this show really did a great job at showing just how impossible choices can be when you’re depressed, how warped your point of view gets. but i couldn’t help to think what would’ve happened if he had chosen himself, maybe that’s what he was supposed to do.

#very nuanced portrayal of depression #myungha is someone i deeply relate to and the last couple of episodes broke my heart #love is beautiful yet so so difficult to accept into your life sometimes #myungha x yeowoon #myungha #yeowoon #lfls #love for love's sake #thai series #thai bl #it just reminded me a lot of previous therapy sessions i’ve had #braindump for sure but most definitely will write more on this show