#don't get me wrong I love following my own paths for learning
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Why do you like jiang cheng?
At the risk of liking him for the wrong reasons, let me be verbose and annoying about it.
A short anecdote: I finished the donghua before the novel and I liked JC's aesthetic so I was happy to have that imagery in my head for the novel, but mostly I came out of the donghua like "cool story, the ending was frowny face though" and I came out of the novel like I was lost in the IKEA store "there's stuff here but it's not what I want and it's organized in a way that's hard to navigate through." Bit like giving me a puzzle to solve.
Anyway, imagine a cat bapping at a thing trying to get fandom to show me what to do with MDZS (i.e. reading fanfic) and then I come across anti-Jiang Cheng stuff.
//record scratch
I'm sorry what?
Why?
NO.
I started then on Shuangjie reconciliation fic and quickly evolved into Jiang Cheng "Apologist" ((I actually don't think he has anything to apologize for even if he would do so anyway.))
I've been in the xianxia/wuxia sphere of media consumption for a year or so before trying out MDZS and JC just fits so well as the main character of his own story; destined for a position of power through birth, friends with someone in his life that causes conflict, seemingly betrayed by said friend when needing that friend the most, losing and losing and losing as his trust in said friend proves unfounded because the friend walks a path he can't follow, and then he's left with the tragedy that befell the world because--ultimately he trusted this friend too much.
It's a classic story of love and attachment and how good intentions can have massive consequences. Two men entwined by fate and in the end there's a battle on a hill (off screen in this case) where one is forced to "kill" the other.
MDZS could have ended with the past timeline, and I would have liked it more but at least in the present timeline we get Jiujiu and a-Ling.
Anyway: Excerpts and Commentary Below about WHY I LOVE JIANG CHENG, courtesy WANYIN
Of all the clans to offend, you don’t offend the Jiang Clan, and of all the people to offend, you never offend Jiang Cheng.
We stand by a badass mf in this house. The first thing we learn is that he gets credit for killing a big baddy and the second thing we learn is how fierce the rest of his reputation is. He brooks no shit and leaves no quarter. Amazing 💜
Well, I was done for at "gaze like two streaks of cold lightning" so RIP me, I guess. Reminds me of some antis that are like "you only like him because he's hot" which isn't true but it is a nice plus. He's described as inferior to LWJ so like, if it was only about hotness then wouldn't I like LWJ???
“I am his uncle. Do you have any last words?”
At the sound of that voice, every drop of blood in Wei Wuxian’s body seemed to surge to his head but then immediately drained away again. Thankfully, his face was already a mess of ghastly white, so it didn’t look strange when he went a little paler.
A man in purple attire strode over. He was dressed in a narrow-sleeved light robe, with his hand resting on the hilt of his sword. A silver bell dangled from his waist, yet there was no sound when he walked.
This young man had fine brows and almond eyes, with a chiseled handsomeness to his features. His eyes were deep and intense with a hint of aggression, his gaze like two streaks of cold lightning. He stopped and stood three meters away from Wei Wuxian. His expression was like that of a nocked arrow on a bow, ready to shoot, and even his composure was suffused with arrogant pride.
Jiang Cheng ruled the Jiang Clan of Yunmeng alone, so it could have been said that he was in a state of isolation.
🥺 Alone?? And he could still afford 400 Immortal Binding Nets? Self-sufficient king 🤩 And like, his reputation is so fierce and he's boiling over with anger in that scene, but still he restrains himself because he did the cost-benefit analysis! And then later he takes a huge risk on WWX, like he always does for WWX, and that doesn't work out for him--like it always does.
Seeing that nothing had happened to Jin Ling, Jiang Cheng was greatly relieved. However, that relief soon turned into a furious reprimand:
Parent behavior. Enough said.
He has a twisted smile when encountering a trigger for his PTSD and then he decides to fight it instead of letting it paralyze him. He's such a doer. Like, every other moment of the day he's carefully calculating pluses and minuses to every choice (valid) but when it comes to facing his personal demons he's ready to throw down. Excellent.
A moment later, Jiang Cheng’s lips pulled into a twisted smile. His left hand subconsciously began stroking that ring once more.
He said softly, “Excellent. Back, are you?”
He let go of his left hand, and a long whip dangled from it.
“Oh? Then please enlighten me, what is your type?”
Walking A-Spec flag very concerned about what the man who might be his shixiong thinks about him, more at eleven!
Wei Wuxian waved him off and then hooked his arm around Jiang Cheng’s shoulders. “Who cares? I’ll tease him a bit more before I go. You’ve already collected my corpse so many times. Once more won’t hurt.”
Okay but big lol that JC doesn't get to collect WWX's corpse that final time. //sounds of sobbing
A smile appeared on his face, but then he immediately humphed.
He's so grumpy and adorable! I love him! pre massacre JC is precious and I just want him to have someone to bring out that smile again.
He literally didn't have to do this. He makes all these excuses how he'll be embarrassed if WWX is rolling around 😂 Perfection. Boy, you are still carrying him and he doesn't want you to stop.
Jiang Cheng, walk slower, you’re gonna throw me off.”
Not only did Jiang Cheng want to throw Wei Wuxian off, but he practically wanted to bash his head into the ground to create a human crater. “So fussy even though I’m carrying you!”
“I didn’t tell you to carry me,” Wei Wuxian reasoned.
Jiang Cheng flew into a rage. “If I didn’t carry you, I think you’d hang out at their ancestral hall all day, rolling around on the floor. I can’t afford this embarrassment! Lan Wangji took fifty more strikes than you, but he walked away on his own, and you’re not embarrassed, pretending to be an invalid? I don’t want to carry you anymore. Get the hell off!”
“No, I’m wounded,” Wei Wuxian said.
Alrighty, like I'm just going through the entire book at this point.
Let me see if I can make this more concise:
Sacrifices himself despite his very dutiful nature that would oppose this. He throws away all his responsibilities for WWX, again and again, carrying on a tradition of favoring WWX over his own health and happiness. Citing: JFM favoring WWX to the detriment of his marriage, JYL dying to save WWX, and JC (exhausted and with little or no power) running into danger to save WWX ala distracting the Wen patrol and 2nd Siege.
Can't be honest in his affections and makes up excuses to do nice things for others.
Loves and understands his sister. She wanted JZX so he made it happen when LLJ had absolutely no reason to reinstate the marriage contract between Xuanli. JGS notes in the CR arc that he didn't want the marriage for his son in the first place and that there were better options than YMJ, and that was before the war! JC helped her get to Yiling to show off her wedding dress! Even though she married out he still felt so attached to her son he couldn't not co-parent Jin Ling.
Yes, he has Zidian, but he also has a second horsewhip that he keeps on him which is very exciting to know.
The narrative hates him but he survives. (He survives because the narrative hates him).
Most BAMF entrance in the novel at the temple scene with the busting the temple doors down and coming in from the rain with an umbrella. Like sure the narrative hates him but small blessings that rule of cool still counts for something.
Mama's boy.
Just some dude, shows up late to treasury room nonsense, knows all the gossip, no one has faith in him including himself, but he keeps going and doing what needs to be done even when he's so so tired and his shixiong shows up 3 months late with a ghoul lady and a latte, or disappears to liberate slave property without warning first and now he's called into a midnight meeting after trying to get some much needed rest and now he's got consequences to deal with. Someone help him!
An expert at sneering. Threats as a show of worry and care. This makes all the little and brief smiles so much more endearing.
Sandu Shengshou is an amazing title, get out of here if you don't agree. Holy Hand of the Three Poisons? Brutal, perfect 💜 It gets used like, ONCE. Crime against me personally.
Link to Blorbo Sheet for JC
He loves, he hates, he wants to hate he's not allowed to love. Zero middle ground, he's all in and there's no way out.
//is shot and dragged off stage
But just as the Wei Wuxian of the past who’d extracted his golden core for Jiang Cheng had been unable to tell him the truth, the Jiang Cheng of the present could no longer bring himself to speak up.
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a joy to be hidden, a disaster to not be found
hewwo! it's my first fic in a while and also the first fic on this blog. wahoo!! and it's.... an x reader fic which i've also never done before!! and also for genshin!! wahoo!!
ships: alhaitham x reader / you (gender neutral)
content: hurt/comfort, fluff, lowkey pining from alhaitham, reader experiences a panic attack, written in reader's pov but switches to alhaitham for a bit at the end, alhaitham says Sorry cus i like to make him do that 😎
words: 4k (help girl how did i let it get this long...)
synopsis: in which a haravatat scholar realises that everything is not as simple as it is, our body betrays us at every second of every hour, and the three times alhaitham finds you, no matter what.
this reader is for all the babygirls (gender neutral) out there who feel things so deeply and we are all crybabies. i see you, i hear you, and i love you!! we're all bad bitches who are easily moved and touched by the world around us and that's lovely!! keep shining your light on this world, friends!
i'm taking requests for drabbles and quick fics or poetry! whatever inspo strikes me 😴
---
the first time he finds you, alhaitham says:
“the solution is quite simple.”
and you find your fist in wanting of purchase in his face.
“this wouldn't be a problem had you realised your limits before your entire body broke down. surely, i don't have to cite research papers for you to understand that it is important to take note of one's mental health accordingly, as an adult with agency in your own life? then you don't have to find comfort in the mouth of a beer mug.”
he was surprisingly chatty today, and at any other time you would have loved to relish in making him speak for so much for so long. getting him to talk so much was like trying to scrape the bottom of the jar for the last smidgens of berry jam, and you savoured it just as well.
but not today.
“alhaitham, you're not in my shoes, so stop trying to make me walk down the same path you do.”
he tipped his head, confused. “what's wrong with my path? i have no relationship problems—”
“because you don't maintain any.”
“—no financial burdens—”
“because you don't spend it on anything.”
“—and no personal problems.”
“because you don't bother with anything you don't care for,” you sighed out.
“if i didn't maintain any relationships, then why am i here? and if i didn't spend any money, then why is the bill under my name? and if i didn't bother with anything i don't care for, then why am i with you, right now, instead of reading at home?”
he flicks your nose; you sniffle in response and bury your face into the hard table, slightly damp from your tears.
“i don't know,” you whispered, the words leaving you without a thought. “why are you here, alhaitham?”
“if i follow your reasoning, it's because i'm bored, have money, and don't care to be anywhere else. does that answer satisfy you?”
a silence between both of you, even though the tavern was filled with the sound of chatter and the tinkling of dishes and cutlery. “...no.”
“then why upset yourself?”
you remove your face from the table and look at him, despite your eyes red and puffy from crying, nosy runny, and a wood grain pattern imprinted on your cheek and forehead. “i just wanted to hear you say it.”
he hums, thoughtful.
(despite his demeanour, he was rarely thoughtless about anything. even if he didn't make decisions you would've done.)
“because i care about you,” he let the words out slowly, like testing how they roll off the tongue. like learning a new language. “is that alright?”
you plant your face back into the table, all too-aware of your red eyes that must've sparkled, your lips that wanted to become a songbird in return for such simple words. “mm-hmm. thank you.”
“you're very welcome.”
***
the second time alhaitham finds you, you are under a table.
“go away for a bit,” the words come out of your mouth clumsily, like tripping over your own feet in haste. “this one's t-taken.”
your humour probably didn't land as well as you hoped. the stuttering of the heart in your chest beating like a butterfly's wings in flight, like it had ambitions of flying out of your chest instead of remaining behind your ribcage where it belonged. to your credit, it was hard to think of a joke in the middle of everything that was happening in your body. you would've rated yourself fairly well, all things considered.
alhaitham didn't seem to agree, although he didn't frown at you. he tends to voice out his disagreements vocally rather than through things like body language—you know, like a machine would when you press the wrong button?
if he knew what i'm thinking right now, he would probably say that it's one of the virtues of studying under haravatat—classic alhaitham!
instead of saying anything immediately though, he sat cross-legged in front of you, his eyes wandering, seemingly…. observing? what was he looking at? you're sure you could've tell if your mind was clearer, but you couldn't at the moment.
“does it not hurt?” he asked, then, from your face dipped over your hunched knees, you heard two raps of a knock on the desk. “this is the desk made with athel wood, isn't it? it's very durable, but it's difficult for the city craftsmen to make full use of them right now because of how hard it is. the edges don't look sanded enough.”
“i-it's fine,” you choke out, and then breathed in and out for a proper response. “i don't mind it so much.”
he raised a brow in return. oh, you think, so now he's going to use body language, is he?
too bad you couldn't savour it this time too.
“as long as it's pressing against me, i'm… okay.”
you hear him hum in understanding, like he does when he reads a well written proposal.
“is that why you chose this desk in particular? the others were too high and wide and you couldn't make contact with the wood?”
before you realised it, it was easier for you to speak now, even though your heart was still pounding, and your skin felt raw. you didn't usually try to talk when you were experiencing… whatever this is.
“yeah. i just need… to feel safe.”
before you realised it, your face was no longer tucked between your knees, but instead resting on them as you avoided looking him in the eyes.
“i see,” he said, and he paused before saying: “would you mind if i tried something?”
you hesitated, and your eyes finally meet. “i don't know, what are you going to do?”
“i'm going to hold you in my arms,” he said, and switched from sitting cross legged to having his knees tucked under him, arms open and his hands stretching for yours. “if you don't mind.”
in any other situation, you wouldn't have minded. you'd say: maybe it'll start snowing in the desert today! should we start preparing for the oncoming winter?
but now….
you were a mess—just like you were in the tavern that night, too. red ringed on your puffed-up eyes, sweat drenching your clothes and making your back feel as humid as the rainforests at night, and you could barely eke out a word before seemingly using up every bit of air in your lungs, like a newborn babe that only knew how to cry.
you didn't know how to tell all of this to alhaitham. sorry, can i go change into better clothes first? can i save this hug for another time when i'm completely sane and sober to take full advantage of it? can you wait till i ice my eyes so i can look at you properly?
instead, what came out of your mouth was: “i'm disgusting right now.”
he hummed, and you weren't sure if it was his i'm-considering-how-to-reply-to-this-idiotic-situation hum or i-see-where-you're-coming-from hum.
“i can see why you'd think that, but that's irrelevant.”
ah. so it was both.
“why do you want to hold me?”
“i want to see if i can do a better job than a desk,” he says, and you feel a smile ghost your face, only because you see him wearing one too. a small smile, simple like him.
“i probably smell really bad. i'm sweating so much right now.”
“that's fine. i'll stop breathing through my nose.”
“my eyes are really red too. it's not that i don't want to look at you, it's that i'm too embarrassed to.”
“i can just close my eyes.”
“my heart is pounding really painfully right now, and it's hard to talk.”
“i'll ask questions that are easy to answer then.”
finally, you relented. “...is it really okay?”
“yes.”
after you confirmed that he couldn't smell you and couldn't see you, you slowly inch from under the desk and into his lap, where he then wrapped his arms around you. not tightly or passionately, but a sort of reassuring grip—like he wouldn't let you fall.
“how does it feel?”
“you're probably better than my desk,” you laughed out, and the sound felt strange to your ears, just moments after you were alone and crying and hyperventilating under a desk in a room by yourself.
“glad to be of service.”
you laughed again. “i don't think even the other sages from the akademiya can ever get you to say those words.”
“because they can't. if any of them leapt into my arms asking for a hug, i'd redirect them to doctor zakariya.”
you laughed again, and you were glad you made him promise to close his eyes. the sight of alhaitham smiling slightly at you, and the sight of your smile looking at him would've convinced anyone that you were starstruck by him. you didn't feel up to being publicly humiliated at the moment.
the two of you spent the next few minutes—which felt like hours—in each other's embrace (well, yours in his, mostly), and soon your breathing steadied. from the high tides and low crests of your chest rising and falling asynchronously, it returned to the rhythm of the afternoon tides of port ormos.
although it was a difficult question to ask, you asked anyways. “are you not going to ask me what happened?”
“one of the six sins of any scholar under the akademiya is to interfere in human evolution,” he began, and you felt a smile coming before he even finished. “i assume it was your body's way of protecting you against a threat. although—”
he opened his eyes, and you would've tried to stop your smiling by any means before he could see you, but he was wearing a smile of his own, and you couldn't help but dig your fingers deeper into his arms.
“—the nature of the threat and it's scale remains unknown to me still. you have a way with handling problems, after all.”
you gave him a big smack on his chest, fists closed for maximum impact. “ouch!”
how did that hurt you instead of him?
“a good rule of self defense is hard parts against soft targets, and soft parts on hard targets. you shouldn't have closed your hand. a slap would work better.”
“how was i going to know your chest was literally rock hard?!”
“i thought you might have some inkling. i've noticed your stare a few times before.”
you wanted to throw yourself into the abyss.
you couldn't, so instead, you took his hand and bit his fingers as the next best thing.
a small ouch sounded from him, though you couldn't tell if it was genuine or for the sake of making you feel better. you laid your head back against his chest, arms now wrapped around him in return.
“thanks, alhaitham.”
“you're very welcome,” he muttered in response, and you almost didn’t hear him.
“you’re not going to tell me that the solution is simple, or that i was the one that caused this thing in myself?”
he hummed.
“no,” he started, and you wanted to collapse in relief. “i am a scholar of haravatat, not amurta. i don’t understand the subject matter enough to say in any confidence or plausibility that the way your—or anyone’s—body works is simple. if it was that simple, then we wouldn’t have an entire field dedicated to it. and i do wish it were that simple, sometimes. then perhaps so many scholars wouldn’t have written audacious sounding proposals that i’d have to read thoroughly just to reject.”
you snickered. “what does haravatat’s wisdom has to say about me?”
for a moment, you see his eyes soften, straying away from yours.
“that your body failing you is not a moral or intellectual inadequacy on your part. that we do not have full control of ourselves, even if we would like to. that, perhaps…”
“perhaps?”
his gaze returns to you. “...perhaps, we are all more fallible than we see ourselves.”
“only you see yourself as infallible. i know very well how my body betrays me every second of every day. it’s one of the things that comes with being in touch with my own emotions, don’t you know?”
the teasing was meant to be lighthearted, as you knew he didn’t mean anything he said before in a dogged way. his words was not thorny on purpose like a bramble bush, just rough to the touch like a tongue’s cat. there were days where his words striked too much like an arrow through you, and days where the coarseness only brushed your ankles like standing in sand. you loved and cared for him despite that.
suddenly, he pulled you tighter against him, and you squeaked. “alhaitham? Is everything okay?”
no answer. you shifted in your position to make yourself more comfortable, and with whatever left strength you could muster, you rub your hands over his back in calm, soothing circles. “there, there.”
your voice reverberated through your body, and you continued to hold him reassuringly, hoping that enough exposure to having him be so close to you would cure your racing heart and your voice, almost crumbling at his touch.
it was good how self conscious of yourself you were. then, you wouldn’t be able to tell that his heart was racing, too.
***
the third time he finds you, it was not so much being found as it was being chased.
it was just one of those days that went wrong in every way it could’ve gone wrong. you stubbed your toe after getting out of the shower, your research project was going nowhere despite your multiple reminders to your groupmates, and even the way the sticky-sweet baklava clung to your teeth annoyed you.
worst of all, you had a fight with alhaitham.
now that you think of it, it could hardly be called a fight. you’ve seen full-grown adults in akademiya gowns act pettier in a structured debate, and you were sure that if you had asked alhaitham—truly asked, with no contempt or malice—he would’ve presented to you a perfectly reasonable explanation why he didn’t act like an asshole and moreso sounded like one.
right. the only person that was taking things too seriously was you. it had always been you.
it wasn’t that you wanted to be less emotional. you had spent too much time in your formative younger years denying the fact that you simply felt things more deeply, more quickly, than others. it was difficult to accept that you simply had thinner skin than most people—that, on a bad day, the veil of privacy that stood between your emotions and the outside world was nothing but sheer silk that fluttered all too easily with an evening breeze.
the ‘fight’ was nothing spectacular, either. It wasn’t as if you two were having an intellectual discussion as two scholars, rigorously going through peer review on a research paper. it wasn’t as if neither of you would come out of it having respected each other a little less.
but, like the person that you are, so tethered to the heart that it kept your feet frozen sometimes, it had hurt you deeply.
it truly was nothing spectacular. you simply wanted to vent about your terrible groupmates, and you thought that it would be nothing more than a venting session over drinks, getting sober, and then buckling down to do the job once you were ready again in the morning.
but it escalated. he, also seemingly irritable that night, kept bringing up questions, solutions, to your dismay. at any other time, you would’ve let it slide and shelved it as simply alhaitham being alhaitham—a man who wanted life to be simple and easy, fixing problems before they sprung. however, what you needed that night was not a fixer or a tinkerer with all his haravatat wisdom. you needed alhaitham the drinking buddy, the one that would foot the bill, the one that held you in his arms and wanted to be of more comfort than the desk you hid under.
“i just wish you would just—listen!”
“i am listening. it’s just that it’s difficult to keep my words to myself, seeing as this problem can be easily fixed, if you weren’t so fixated on unnecessary things.”
“unnecessary? i don’t like them, but it doesn’t mean that i want to snitch on them!”
“what’s stopping you? they clearly don’t respect you. who else can they blame but themselves as the logical consequence of their actions if you do tell on them? they are adults in their own capacity, and the akademiya is not a place for people to loiter around, seeking for forgiveness for one’s own incompetence. their lesson is theirs to learn.”
“i have my own way of fixing things, alhaitham. you may not care about other people’s feelings, but i do! and i’d rather work it out clearly with them rather than resort to underhanded tactics just to have my life go a little smoother.”
“then tell me, why hasn’t your way of fixing problems worked? only an idiot would employ the same methods over and over again, hoping it’ll work the next time.”
he didn’t call you an idiot directly, but he didn’t have to. the insult found its way to you just the same.
even if you did, you couldn’t fully deny it either. in the perspective of alhaitham, perhaps everyone else other than him was a dimwit full of hot air. the thought that the same applied to you, who you thought had a pretty close relationship with him, stung the most.
he had tried to talk to you and reach out multiple times (although, by your estimates, his attempts were somewhat weak and clumsy), and you kept him out of your house with a badly made sign that said ‘TRESPASSERS BEWARE’ above an aranara carving that looked—in your opinion—pretty scary.
on these days, it was difficult. you couldn’t touch yourself, feeling so raw that you feared that wherever your hand brushed, you would come away bleeding.
there were at least some good news though: your groupmates finally decided to cooperate with you for the project, and you were extremely thankful for it. it turns out that they all had personal issues that made it difficult to speak out on, and now that they realised that you wouldn’t judge them for whatever excuse they may have, they confided in you, and everything went as smoothly as you could hope for.
the four of you celebrated at the tavern, drinks in hand at 3 p.m. in the afternoon. the boss, seeing this particular group of inebriated students, simply shook his head and smiled defeatedly. by the time the sky changed colours, only you were left sitting alone at your table after having escorted the other three to their homes to get some well-earned rest. you would have left soon after, if not only for the fact that you had ‘bumped’ into alhaitham and he ordered a drink to have at your table.
“i was right,” was the first thing you said to him, and you enjoyed the look on his face when the words left your mouth. “i was right. everything turned out like i hoped it would.”
he tilted his head. “surely you can’t expect for luck and fortunate circumstances to befall you every time?”
“i don’t. i don’t, but… i’ll keep doing what i’m doing. i like it when everyone is happy. things won’t always go the way i want them to, but i’ll keep doing it, because it’s important to me that i try to give everyone the benefit of the doubt, that i don’t walk the easy road if it means i’ve passed by something meaningful just to suffer a little less in my own life.”
“you sound like kaveh.”
you chuckled. “that sounds like a compliment to me. thank you.”
when his drink arrived, alhaitham nudged it your way across the table. you raised a brow. “what’s this for?”
“to say i’m sorry.”
“words aren’t enough for you?”
“words are only enough for people who trust others to tell the truth,” he paused, then added: “and i don’t.”
you hummed, then leaned back in your chair. “pretend, then, that we are two people who trust each other to tell the truth, and that we would believe in each other no matter what. what would you say?”
his green-red eyes flickered, and you didn’t know from what. if it was with other people, you could hazard a guess, sure—but alhaitham was different from the people you’ve met, and you did not want to presume what his heart feels.
(even if he claims that it’s only there to keep him alive.)
“when i couldn’t see you, i still thought of you, and i didn’t know what to do. i want to apologise for insulting you with my words, even if i didn’t mean to. i failed to calculate the exact way they had sounded until it reached my own ears and i saw how hurt you were.”
you said nothing, but nodded slightly as a go-on.
“i like it when things are simple, but that didn’t mean i wanted you to be simple. i just wanted things to be simple for you, and i unreasonably tried to force my perspective onto yours and ended up hurting you in the process. and for that…” he seemed to have trouble wrangling the words out of his throat, and you would’ve laughed if he didn’t look so pained. you reached out for his hand on the table, resting yours atop his. “...and for that, i am deeply sorry.”
you hummed. another moment to savour.
there was still one more thing you needed to clear up, though.
“...do you think i’m an idiot?”
unlike mere moments ago, the words shot out of his mouth before he even tried to rein them in. “no. not at all. i’ve never once thought you were.”
you smiled at him, somewhat self-deprecatingly. “but you don’t like how emotional i am.”
“it’s not a matter of liking or disliking. your emotions serve a purpose in your decision-making. it’s simply that… i do not like the experience of having to see you go through things that hurt you, even if you’re willing to do so.”
ah, so that’s what it is.
“alhaitham, do you care about me?”
his eyes, previously unfocused, darted back to meet your unflinching gaze. “have my actions indicated otherwise?”
you couldn’t help it. you snorted. “alhaitham, the line between caring for a person’s wellbeing out of courtesy rather than concern is a very thin line. at least, for the rest of us who you might call ‘drama queens’ and ‘fake socialites’.”
maybe he didn’t realise it, but his brows scrunched under your scrutiny, and you couldn’t help but feel joy at the fact that you made alhaitham, someone so aloof and disenchanted, truly perplexed.
“do you not know the answer already?”
“i do,” you say, and you were sure that your smile was infuriating him now. “i just wanted to hear you say it.”
a silence between both of you, even though the tavern was filled with the sound of chatter and the tinkling of dishes and cutlery.
“i do care for you. deeply. does this answer satisfy you?”
“yep!” you smiled, and alhaitham wasn’t one to offer prayers of gratitude to the sevens above, but he was glad that you were so self-conscious of yourself to be blind to the way he leaned forward in his seat, his one hand tightly clutched under the table, and the way he wished he could bottle your smile and indulge in it on a rainy day, if he could.
ah well, alhaitham thought, tomorrow is another day without them realising.
#alhaitham x reader#genshin x reader#alhaitham x you#genshin x you#genshin fics: mine#alhaitham#alhaitham fanfic#genshin fanfic#genshin x reader hurt comfort
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DN fanfic: an exploration into Kai Mori's mind while he's in prison. Introspective piece. So get ready for self-loathing, the woes of the disgraced son and the Banks reminiscence and yearning that we deserved.
My first Devils Night fanfiction ever. Actually, it's my first writing piece in a long time in general, but fuck it, we balling. I've always struggled a little with understanding Kai, but I think this piece helped me get more of a grip on my characterisation of him <3.
_
Kai sits in jail, and he knows he's a scrouge on his family name. He’s the shameful blot in their lineage, the fuck up who keeps on giving even when all they want is for him to stop. Kai's the shadow in his family's illustrious life. A good boy gone wrong, the ungrateful child, responsible for his mother's tight smiles and fervent worry — he’s the parasite leeching away at his mother's kindness, carelessly ruining the happy life his father fought to give her. It took one blow of a hammer slamming against a gavel, and his parents have a sword of humiliation rammed into their guts. The pain is only dug in deeper with the indignity of a sentence of 28 months lost to the confines of walls crammed to the brim with prisoners, with his fitted suits for interviews traded in for a standardised orange jumpsuit, as a lifestyle befitting of an animal is thrust into the hands of their only son.
The worst part is that they still loved him despite his neverending failures.
"–Gave him three broken ribs. So he fractured his fucking spine."
"Who?"
"The rich brat. Mori. He didn't even hesitate."
"Shit, he might belong here, after all."
Yeah, maybe he does belong here.
From the start of it all, he's been the defining reason for the lines marring his father's forehead, those were wrinkles etched in from worrying about Kai's unfortunate tendencies, but he's still forgiven again and again for every indiscretion that they catch him in and he learns to forgive himself for the thousands that they don't know about as a default. Kai's allowed to follow his own path even if it means spitting at his father's feet and disparaging the legacy that Katsu built with his roughened hands. It's wrong, grievously so, but he takes the chances and the freedom, Kai proves he's a certified fuck up. Useless boy who's worth nothing much when compared to the father who tried to give him every head start in life no matter what it cost. Katsu's a man who pulled his family out of poverty, he gives his wife her old life back tenfold, and Kai’s the worthless son who ruins it by gorging himself on endless vices, amusing himself by toeing the lines, and eventually, he gets a crew and starts obliterating the lines. Never improving even as they ardently pray for him, Kai only gets worse as the years pass.
Everyone knows it in Thunder Bay. Kai Mori's a cautionary tale in the flesh.
The good boy who gets caught up in the wrong crowd and suffers for it. Prince amongst the heathens, gilded gold stained by their tar, a demon playing at being an angel. Kinder smiles and 'thank you's' on his tongue don’t get rid of the taste of sin, but they mask it well enough. Until it suddenly doesn't anymore, and they see that he's made of the same strokes as his friends. Demon, not an angel. Predator, not the prey. Villain, never a prince. Sins can't be hidden forever in a modern era of phones to the ear and the glimmer of cameras catching their every move. He should’ve known better than to have expected zero consequences – Kai hid his truths better than his friends ever managed to, but an unchained nature couldn't be hidden forever.
People were predisposed to making assumptions.
In Thunder Bay, they accepted and revered the version of him that they thought they knew, and they share their aggrieved regrets as his fall from grace occurs in the brightened spotlight. Analysed just like Icarus, with a tragic fate of his own making – Kai can't meet his father's eyes for the first couple of weeks after his wrongs are aired to the public. Kai Mori had potential in spades, the gossip somberly chastens, and he squandered it away on freedom ravelled within insanity, he wasted a guaranteed future on the kind of lust that made priests look away in discomfort, and he ruined himself due to a useless loyalty towards friends that should've never amounted to much more than a footnote in his life.
Outsiders never understood how the blood of the covenant could run thicker than the water of the womb. They didn't feel the allure of darkness in its fullest form. Nor could they understand the power that control gave him when it was cradled in his palms, and he had chaos biting at his neck. She had, though, that one girl who hides in his mind just like she'd veiled herself into that confession all those years ago– she understood it all, and she even fed into it back then.
He wonders what she felt when she saw him in cuffs.
Mystery Girl was among his worst mistakes, mostly because she quickly became his darkest daydream and a favourite nightmare.
Kai's quiet when he does it. In the showers, when heat spindles against the mirror, he washes off the heat of shame by engaging in more depravity. He thinks about her often. And he's not gentle, not even close to it. Whenever he thinks about girls wrapped up in men's clothes, in shirts that aren't his, he's harsh and angry because they should've been his clothes, she should've been his girl. He thinks of smart quips on the curve of her lips, and he wonders how sweet it would've been to have held her and shut her up in the way he'd desperately wanted to whenever she said the name of a man who wasn't him. Kai's got a hand on his cock and he jerks it hard to the thoughts of her.
Chocolate hair. Green eyes. Golden skin. Daydreams and nightmares.
She's the only thing he never got that he'd desperately wanted in his golden years; she's the thing he still wants so carnally even in his darkest hours. Wants her thighs wrapped around his torso, wants his name to be the only thing she's capable of saying by the time he's done with her, wants her marked and ruined by the touch of him and him only. Indulging in her, Kai knows, would've been his favourite sin. Back then, he got only a speck, got nothing more than a touch, and he'd still been hopelessly addicted, high on fumes when he had the wisp of her silhouetted in his arms, and he was in withdrawal whenever he lost her to a man he hated and loved in equal measure. Just a taste back then, just the thoughts now, and he's still maddeningly hooked on her. Pretty girl, harsh girl, but never his girl. Sweet like candy with a tangy kick to her. She's the only drug in his veins, inching in without warning, putting him in a trance and an unruly high.
In the dead of night, she visits him, and Kai welcomes her.
He is a fuck-up, Kai knows it well. Somehow, he's still so ready to engage in the betrayal of his brother in everything but blood. Damon's down in a living nightmare in solitary, and he dreams of stealing his girl. He dreams of using her up. He yearns to take her and have her feed the desires of his concupiscent flesh for as long as he wants, and he thinks he wants to keep her for months, for years, for as long as it takes until she feels more his than anything else.
Irreverent lust, onerous fingers, amatory desires, and all for what? A girl he had known all of a couple of weeks. And he thinks he'd sell the flesh on his back to go back to that time with her. For her, he thinks he'd do anything because if she's a reverie then he's a victim to the ghost of her. Kai thinks of her and that hotel room, and he wonders why he let his dream girl go.
She's the only person to ever make him feel alive, to make him feel desire on an impulse, the only one who could easily stoke his dangerous need for control, and she did it all without ever trying. No fight to take and no need to make his blood boil; there was no need to force himself into those conversations with her because he was already obsessed with her voice from the second he heard it. Everything came naturally when it was with her.
He thinks she could've been his if she hadn't been Damon's to keep.
Kai laughs when he grips the plexiglass, breathes harder, and strokes faster– she's certainly not either’s now, and she wasn't his back then, but she is all Kai’s in the darkness of his mind. Smooth skin pressed against his chest, lips to his neck, and she's begging for it, for his dirty criminal's hands to stay on her neck. Moaning, whining, crying for more. He's undone by the idea of her, air caught in the chasm of his lungs, knuckles tightened to a pale white, as he gives into his favourite nightmare. Kai's spent by the thought of her, the evidence washed away by water, as his back presses against the shower wall.
Suddenly, he's almost glad that he doesn't see Damon here at all. Kai tries to convince himself that he should be relieved that he'll likely never see her again either (it doesn't work but he tries). If he doesn't see her, then it means the fantasies, the output of those unreachable desires, can stay intact.
There's no Damon to stop him. No dancer in a hotel to distort what they could've had. No blood to mop away and no nights to hide away. It was just him and her again.
In his dreams, Banks is everything he still desires.
In his dreams, she belongs to no one else.
In his dreams, Banks is all his.
--
#nikova banks#kai mori#devil's night series#devils night#devils night series#damon torrance#emory scott#michael crist#winter ashby#rika fane#kill switch#devils night fanfiction#penelope douglas#kaibanks
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What are stans of different Ateez members like? A tarot reading ✨
Hello peeps and atinys; I had this idea cross my mind one day, hmm I wonder what fans of a specific idol would be like. Would they take after the idol or be completely different?
I thought it would be a very interesting social experiment to do so I chose Ateez!
I asked three questions per member:
1. What are stans of (member) like in general?
2. What do stans of (member) have in common with each other?
3. What about (member)'s personally attracts his stans to stan him?
From what I've seen, i think they have a chance to at least a little bit accurate 😂 You guys will be the judges! Let me know who you stan and if it is accurate for you or not! It is an experiment after all, let's discuss and get to know each other better! 🖤
Disclaimer: This is for fun purposes only and should be treated as such. Tarot can absolutely be wrong.
TW: mentions of anxiety and insecurities
Hongjoong stans: The rebels
How are Hongjoong stans like (in general) // the high priestess, the emperor R, VI of wands
Hongjoong stans are people who want to carry themselves in the world with pride. They want to showcase/ achieve confidence in who they are and also inspire others to do the same. Their power comes from within, from their self knowledge, from the fact that they know that things in the world cannot stop them from being themselves and living their own truth. They want to be the complete leaders of their own lives and not be afraid to speak up or stand out in a crowd.
What do Hongjoong stans have in common? // II of wands R
Hongjoong stans want to carve out their own path in life. They don't want to follow the norms or give in to what others want out of them when it comes to their life path.
What about Hongjoong's personality attracts Hongjoong stans? // Wheel of fortune, page of wands
Hongjoong stans love how he appears to be so fearless, so unafraid of failure, setbacks, opposition or hardship. One could say Hongjoong 'makes his own luck' with the way he shapes his reality to make the best out of it no matter what happens. All cycles in life can be reformed, rules can be rewritten, perspectives can be changed. Hongjoong strives to reform all those cycles and make this world a better place, and Hongjoong stans are highly thankful of that and want to follow in his lead and do the same.
Hongjoong stans might have prominent fire placements (Aries, Leo, Sagittarius) in their natal chart.
Seonghwa stans: Energetic angels
Also known as the ones who gave me way too many cards
How are Seonghwa stans like (in general) // The Star R
Seonghwa stans are gentle and pure beings. They are optimistic despite the circumstances in society or the hurt they've felt before, and believe in a better world yet to come. Their hopeful persona makes them shine out between their peers as having an almost healing-aura. They can be quite quirky and definitely love helping out people.
What do Seonghwa stans have in common? // VIII of Wands, Knight of Wands
Seonghwa stans are very determined and passionate people. They tend to get really fired up and excited over their likings and tasks, and put a lot of drive into whatever they do. Sometimes they can become quite hyperfocused, even. They might also have a tendency to make impulsive decisions and make it their mission to learn self control throughout their lives.
What about Seonghwa's personality attracts Seonghwa stans? // Death R, King of Pentacles R, III of Swords R
Seonghwa reminds his stans that every single new day is a new beginning. And that new day, can always be turned around to something positive, wether it is a productive day or a day of healing. I get the message that Seonghwa heals people's inner child, actually. His balance of being a responsible, productive adult and a pure hearted boy who loves his Lego and friends, it makes people feel reassured. You can be both, you don't need to kill off parts of yourself to be proper or successful. The inner child is scared they will always be stressed and tired - but Seonghwa reassures them it doesn't have to be that way, he takes them gently by the hand and allows them to play around and get excited again.
I'm not crying you're crying, wHat
Seonghwa stans might have very balanced natal charts in terms of the distribution of the 4 elements, but there is definitely clear mention of Aquarius, Scorpio, Aries, Sagittarius and Leo.
Yunho stans: The ones with tense shoulders
How are Yunho stans like (in general) // The high priestess R
Yunho stans may have a very developed intuition, and they're observant and wise. Their intelligence guides them well in life, and they might also be very introspective, knowing themselves well and being in touch or aware of their thoughts/feelings. That makes them very grounded and self sufficient, their power comes from within and the connection they have with themselves. They might also have an interest towards mysteries, the occult or spirituality, perhaps they're psychics or witches.
What do Yunho stans have in common? // Knight of pentacles R
Yunho stans are diligent, cautious and responsible. They're the types to really think things through before saying/doing anything, weighting their options carefully so that they don't end up in risky or detrimental situations. However, sometimes when weighting options they discover none of them are actually satisfactory for them, so they often look for loopholes, therefore making them a bit rebellious too even if it looks like they always play by the rules. Also might be prone to procrastination, missing the initial push of going through with something because their minds are racing to find the perfect way to do something.
What about Yunho's personality attracts Yunho stans? // X of pentacles & king of pentacles
They admire Yunho's ability to look spontane and carefree. Perhaps he isn't fully like that on the inside, but on the outside Yunho looks to be such a loving, optimistic person who can be content with life. He gives off the vibe that everything and anything can be handled when the time arises and that there's always a way for things to be okay. That is very comforting to Yunho stans, who might struggle with going with the flow or letting things be out of their control.
Yunho stans might have prominent earth placements in their natal charts (Taurus, Virgo, Capricorn).
I'm a Yunho stan and this is hella accurate for me
Yeosang stans: the truth seekers
What are Yeosang stans like (in general) // The Tower R
Yeosang stans are honest and straightforward with their expression. If they don't like something, they express it. Likely to be opinionated (in a good way) and go getters. They are driven and motivated, and even if they might not realize it, very tough and resilient. Even if they are afraid of facing failure, they still persue their goals and desires with genuinity.
What do Yeosang stans have in common? // Ace of Swords R
Yeosang stans might feel confused or anxious very often. They have many ideas, and like I mentioned previously they have a fear of failure and it's making them insecure about the best way to approach things. Both skeptical and curious, Yeosang stans question everything all the time - their own morals, beliefs, society's as well. Finding the answers to all these questions tends to overwhelm them and make them overthink, or stop them from even making a decision at all.
What about Yeosang's personality attracts Yeosang stans? // IX of Cups
They love how he isn't afraid to voice out his dissatisfaction. Yeosang is known to be quite the truth spitting Queen, and Yeosang stans absolutely adore that. They love his humour and the way he knows his own worth. They probably find him very like-minded to themselves.
Yeosang stans might have prominent Scorpio, Gemini, Aquarius, Libra and Pisces in their natal chart.
San stans: the emotion swimmers
What are San stans like (in general) // IX of Cups R, X of Pentacles
San stans are very emotional beings by nature. They don't care much about material things and probably all the things they do is for the better of their family. (That could also be friends or lovers of course, people close enough to consider your family.) They probably also prefer the indoors and conferable spaces and people. They tend to have a pretty thick protective bubble around themselves and might not open up easily to people. Afraid to get hurt, they want to protect their emotional welfare at all costs.
What do San stans have in common? // The hanged Man
San stans are probably very anxious about the way they are seen by others, and/or have a bad vision of themselves. They've often felt out of place or different in their lives and that has made them very self judgemental or self-condescending.
What about San's personality attracts San stans? // Ace of Cups R
They love how San is an endless overflowing fountain of love. Wether he's offering love outward to his family, friends or fans, or he's offering love to himself through self-love, San is always so loving. He's so comfortable with the feeling and so unafraid of it, it baffles San stans. Love is San's biggest strength, and San stans often need some of that strength. There's a mutual exchange of love and strength and hearts beat a bit happier.
Wow I'm corny
San stans might have predominant water placements (Scorpio, Cancer, Pisces) in their natal charts.
Mingi stans: the badasses
What are Mingi stans like (in general) // Queen of Swords
Mingi stans are quite tough and resilient people. They are fighters, not afraid to get their hands dirty. Independent and self-reliant, they constantly search for more wisdom to help them out in life, too. In some cases, they can even be grumpy cats, but for the most part I would call them realists.
What do Mingi stans have in common? // Knight of Cups
Mingi stans chase after real feelings and real connections. Their feelings and thoughts run very deep and they can't stand being shallow about anything. Due to their intelligence and devotion, their dreams are never too far away. They follow their heart with grace and know how to make decisions that will lead them to live a fulfilling life. They're romantic and charming.
oMg sexy beasts hello
What about Mingi's personality attracts Mingi stans? // The Hanged Man R, IX of Pentacles R, Queen of Pentacles R
Mingi stans appreciate how different Mingi is. He's unique in their eyes, and they love listening to the views he has about the world. It feels eye opening to them. Mingi also just .. melts their hearts. Perhaps Mingi stans usually strive to be in control, tough and pokerface, but they can't do that when it comes to Mingi. Their hearts go badum and they get heart eyes. He warms them up on any cold day. They want to protect him at all costs and shower him with affection.
Mingi stans might have a pretty balanced natal chart of air, water and earth.
Wooyoung stans: the loving wild cats
How are Wooyoung stans like (in general) // Judgement
Wooyoung stans are open minded philosophers and fearless explorers. They view life kinda like a journey, of ups and downs which can teach you many important lessons. They could probably write a novel of all the important life lessons they've lived that they keep close to their mind. And they're always open for more, more experiences, more knowledge and adventure. They are also likely to be oriented towards social justice, and be very keen on enforcing good morals and getting rid of closed-mindedness in the world.
What do Wooyoung stans have in common? // King of cups
Wether they are introverted or extroverted, Wooyoung stans actually love spending time with people. If they're not popular and with a lively group of friends, they surely have those few people they love to the moon and back and wouldn't mind spending all day with. Wooyoung stans know how to gracefully receive the gifts of love given to them by their community or close circle, and they're friendly and empathic too, in return. But sometimes, they might wear their heart on their sleeve without realizing.
What about Wooyoung's personality attracts Wooyoung stans? // Strength R
They love his wild and untamed nature. They love how he isn't afraid to show off his true colors all the time. The raw honesty of his personality, wether it's something socially accepted or something seen as weird, is very attractive to Wooyoung stans. They admire it and probably aspire to have such courage of expression, too.
Wooyoung stans might have prominent Scorpio, Pisces, Cancer or Leo in their natal chart.
Jongho stans: The champions
How are Jongho stans like (in general) // Knight of Sowrds R
Jongho stans are absolute warriors. They are headstrong and courageous, their intelligence aiding them greatly in powering through any obstacle and overcoming any challenge. They are oriented towards fighting for justice and love spreading words of encouragement to their peers.
What do Jongho stans have in common? // IX of Pentacles R, Queen of Wands
Jongho stans are honest and genuine. Despite their strong will and courage, they are not reckless or chaotic, they are actually quite calm and down to earth. But they do know when you fire up, and stand their ground. Their confidence and fierceness makes them very charismatic in the eyes of many.
What about Jongho's personality attracts Jongho stans? // II of Pentacles R
They appreciate how Jongho picks his own fights. He puts upmost priority of what and whom is important to him, and zones in on that. He's always concerned with being the best at what he does, (aka in his preferred domain) he doesn't try to be the best at things that don't concern him. He sets his priorities tight. Plus, Jongho stans find him very motivating and empowering. He puts fuel on their fire, puts gas in their tank. To them, he's living proof that nothing is impossible if you have the drive to do it.
Jongho stans have predominant air and fire placements in their natal charts.
I thought this to be so interesting. For most, it turned out the stans were really similar to the idol, but then Mingi and Yunho... LMAO. It's cool there's some ying yang energy in there too!
Thank you for reading and let's discuss!
#tarot readings#ateez#ateez imagines#ateez scenarios#ateez x reader#ateez fluff#tarotblr#ateez headcanons#ateez atiny#hongjoong#seonghwa#yunho#yeosang#mingi#san#wooyoung#jongho#kpop#kpop tarot
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VI. Don't Think About Him || KNJ
(banner by @/itaeewon)
Title: My Feet to Follow, and My Heart to Hold (Masterpost)
Rating: NSFW - minors dni
Genre: college!au, roomie!au, angst, s2l, the absolute slowest of burns
Pairing: Namjoon x female reader, unrequited Taehyung x reader
Beta'd by @/kookstempo, @/casuallyimagining, and @/toikiii - thank you endlessly!
Summary: You know a lot about the many types of love thanks to Kim Taehyung. You love him as the only person you see as “family”, you love him as your very best friend, and you love him as the beautiful, funny man he’s become. But when a twist of fate during your senior year has you rooming with his good friend Kim Namjoon, you just might find that you have plenty left to learn about love.
Lesson One: there are such things as a right way and a wrong way to love and to be loved.
//
You try - and fail - to figure out who and what you want.
Section Warnings: excessive drinking, bar scenes, language, kissing, groping, maybe grinding idk
WC: 6k
The world is mine: blue hill, still silver lake,
Broad field, bright flower, and the long white road
A gateless garden, and an open path:
My feet to follow, and my heart to hold.
- Journey | Edna St. Vincent Millay
Sunday October 28th
Fire burns low in the hearth,
but my feet itch and beg to go,
into the night where the wolfpack hunts,
into the storm of wind and snow.
I can hear only their hunting song.
The blizzard steals from me my sight.
I have no map to traverse this land,
But I peer wistfully into the night.
The wolves, the storm, the wild land,
Even still I must decide.
I know despite the dangers,
I can’t afford to stay inside.
“That’s fucking terrible,” you mutter, closing your book and scooting it away from you in disgust. “Wolves? Am I fourteen? For fuck’s sake.”
Still, it does touch on how you feel: like proceeding forward will result in you getting ripped to metaphorical shreds - but staying here, stuck in the familiar just because you’ve deemed it safe, would somehow be worse.
“Talking to yourself?” someone asks, and you jump with a shriek.
“Namjoon!” you scold, as you register that it’s him in the doorway. “I thought you weren’t home for a few more hours!”
He crosses the room and tosses his bag onto his bed. “Yoongi has a lead foot.”
“How was it?” you ask mildly.
Namjoon wiggles his head, indicating both good and bad. “The brewery was really fun,” he says. “And it was nice for us all to hang out and talk at the house. We all used to dorm together… it’s been weird not living in the same place as them. I didn’t realize how much I missed it.”
This makes you smile. You’d been to that dorm once or twice, but you’d refused to hang out with Taehyung there because… well, dudes are stinky. And you’re not a clean freak by any means, but it was a little gross over there.
“Well it was lonely and boring here,” you report. “I’m glad you’re back.”
You’re instantly unsure if that was too forward, too much. Namjoon going away the literal day after you’d kissed him had given you plenty of time to think in private, but it had also given you room to sow doubts in your own mind. But Namjoon smiles shyly, pleased, so cute it makes your toes wiggle.
“I’m glad to be back too,” he says. “I’m gonna go shower and unpack. Have you made plans for dinner yet? We could order later?”
You hadn’t, but you have a feeling Taehyung will want to hang out after two days away. “I have plans,” you lie, figuring it will end up being true.
“Ah, no problem then,” Namjoon says easily, and heads into his room, closing the door behind him with a little wave.
You text Taehyung - “welcome home!! dinner later?” - and get up to start some laundry. By the time it’s done washing, and drying, and you’ve folded it, he still hasn’t answered.
You try again - “hello??? this is y/n, looking for signs of life???”
This time, the response is almost immediate.
[4:56 PM] Tae Bear 🧸: sorry
[4:56 PM] Tae Bear 🧸: can’t tonight
In the end, you walk to campus alone, eating by yourself in the far corner of the cafeteria. You’ve splurged on ordering too much lately when these meals are built into your tuition. Besides, you don’t want Namjoon to know that your “plans” fell through.
Friday November 2nd
Angel on the right… Devil on the left…
You look side to side, conflicted. Such a strong case for each.
“Are those for tonight?”
You jump, spinning away from the two Halloween costumes you’ve laid out on your bed. It’s not like Namjoon to come over to your side of the apartment; in fact, you’re not sure he’s ever talked to you while you’re in your own room. It’s usually you going over to his door to bother him, if you aren't both in the living room or kitchen.
“Yeah,” you say. “I can’t decide. You’re coming?”
“I think we all are, except Yoongi,” Namjoon tells you. “I’m going as a detective. I have a magnifying glass and everything.”
You laugh. “I can’t wait to see that. Any thoughts on which way I should go tonight?” You mean the costumes. You’d texted Taehyung for his opinion and he’d returned with, “flip a coin”. You’re not sure why you expected anything else from him.
“I think that’s going to depend on your mood,” Namjoon teases. “How are we feeling today? Naughty or nice?”
You raise your eyebrows. Was that… outright flirtation? “What if I’m feeling both?” you ask.
He laughs. “You need one of those half-and-half costumes. I’ve seen them in the stores.”
You have too, but you think they’re cheesy. “I think I’ll go devil,” you muse, a finger on your lips as you consider. “The angel wings are pretty cumbersome. And the bars are going to be slammed.”
“Naughty it is.” Namjoon flashes you a grin and disappears from your doorway, throwing over his shoulder, “No complaints from me!”
You slap a hand over your mouth to muffle the giggle. Well this is new, and damn, you want to keep playing.
You Uber together to the first bar of the town’s Halloween pub crawl, the guys waiting for you outside. Taehyung howls in laughter at Namjoon’s long coat, fedora, and magnifying glass.
“I see the devil won the coin toss,” he says to you, grinning.
You roll your eyes, still a little peeved that he couldn’t take anything seriously, even when you needed him to. This was a trivial thing, but still. It wasn’t a lot to ask.
Jungkook hands you and Namjoon a flyer with a QR code - it listed the locations of each bar and what time the group would move, in case you got lost or missed the exodus. Inside, you have to pay to get wristbanded, but the wristband earns you special prices at each of the stops.
“This does not go with my costume,” you pretend to pout, the bright yellow wristband glaring against your short, red dress.
“I think everyone will understand,” Namjoon teases. Taehyung appears on your other side, pointing out the little laminated sign that advertises this bar’s drink specials.
“You two need to catch up,” he insists.
Three hours and two bars later, you think you’ve achieved this. You and Taehyung cling to each other’s arms, holding each other up, somehow taking turns being the one who needs help staying upright. The first two bars had offered specials on shots, but this one only has special offers for mixed drinks and beer.
“Do we pay full price for shots, or do we let The Man tell us it’s time to settle down?” you muse loudly into Taehyung’s ear.
“Don’t start with that shit,” he tells you. “This is Halloween, not a hippie convention.”
“I see at least four hippies,” you sniff indignantly.
“I think you’re seeing double,” he counters. “No more shots for you.”
“You aren’t in charge of me!” you yell, and head for the bar at a clip, ankles crying for mercy in your heels. You grasp the bar in both hands when you get there, steady yourself, and then reach up to fix your horn headband, which had been starting to slide. You thought Taehyung was right behind you, but when you turn to look, he’s talking to a girl in a mermaid costume.
Of course.
It’s fine.
The bartender finally catches your eye and you flash your wristband, indicating you’ll take the special. He nods, turns and picks up a bottle. A body settles beside you; you turn, expecting that Taehyung caught up, or maybe Jungkook stopped by for a beer. Instead, a guy you’ve never seen before smiles at you.
He’s in scrubs, complete with a fake stethoscope (you think it’s fake, anyway) slung around his neck. His nametag reads Dr. Love. You laugh out loud. “That’s so corny,” you say, your filter well and gone for the night.
Luckily, he laughs too. “It’s sewed on!” he protests. “I honestly almost Sharpied it out, but I thought that would look even stupider.”
He’s really cute, you notice. He looks… clean. Older.
“You look…” he trails off, letting his eyes roam to your feet and back appreciatively, “phenomenal. Is there an angel wandering around here looking for you?”
You grin. “Just me.”
If Kim Taehyung can find a hookup everywhere he goes, why can’t you?
But as you lean against the bar and take a sip of your drink, your eyes scan the bar before you. In the mirrored wall behind the team of bartenders, you can see a slightly distorted view of the patrons and all of their costumes.
Your eye catches on a detective.
Namjoon’s eyes hold yours through the mirror, though he’s about six seats down from you. There’s a tiny smile on his lips as he sips at what looks like a beer. A smile that says maybe he should have expected this. It’s the same face he’s seen on you when Taehyung does exactly what he did tonight.
Beside you, Dr. Love is asking you something, but you don’t hear him at all. You don’t want to be here, in this spot, anymore. You want to be six seats over.
“I’m sorry,” you say, interrupting him, plastering a sickly-sweet smile on your face. “I just found one of my friends, and I’d lost them. Enjoy your night, though!”
You slip away before he can protest more than a syllable, before you can really register the disappointment on his face and feel guilty about it. Better luck next time, Doctor, you think, as you make your way to Namjoon.
As soon as you’re close enough he extends an arm, making a space for you right next to him. His arm tucks you closer, protective. He walks with you towards the far end of the bar, where it’s marginally less crowded. Once you settle into a spot there, he doesn’t remove his arm. His fingers rest on your bare, body-glittered shoulder, moving imperceptibly now and then, as if they have their own agenda.
“Are you having fun?” you ask him.
“Loud bars aren’t usually my thing,” he answers. “But the costumes are great.”
There’s a lot of alcohol in your system; your filter’s taken a hit. “I like this,” you sigh happily, closing your eyes for a second. You think you sway on your feet a little. The arm around your shoulders tightens.
“Like what?” His voice has gone deep, and you shiver a little. You want to kiss him again; you’d blame the shots but you’ve been thinking about it since it happened. The drinks just make it louder.
“Your arm around me,” you tell him honestly, and he ducks his head, dimples appearing along with a blush.
He shakes his head, still smiling. “You’re drunk,” he accuses playfully.
“It’s a Halloween pub crawl,” you point out flatly. “I’m supposed to be drunk.”
“That’s a fair point,” he allows. Then, he peers at you through squinted eyes. “Are you okay, though? How drunk are you?”
You consider this. “Drunk enough that I want to kiss you again, to hell with the consequences. Not too drunk to remember that there would be consequences.”
The playfulness leaves his face; it’s too obvious not to notice. “Consequences like what?”
It’s a challenge. He knows you know it.
“Namjoon,” you say, a little pleading. Don’t.
“Consequences like Taehyung would see?” he presses. His voice has gone hard. He’s tiptoed around this issue before, but it’s the first time either of you have ever really given it life.
You feel like you want to cry. “Are you mad? About Taehyung?”
He softens. His fingers brush your shoulder again, absently. “No,” he admits, deflated. “No, I guess I’m not. But we both know that’s what you meant.” He removes his arm from your shoulders. It hangs listlessly at his side. You feel its absence painfully, like it had kept you tethered and now you might float away.
“Hey,” you say sharply, and reach for his hand. You miss and get his wrist, but you hold it like your life depends on it. He looks at you curiously. “I like you,” you tell him firmly. “A lot. I’m trying not to mess everything up - with anyone. But he’s my family, and if I lose him…” You take a deep gulp of air, trying to will your pulse to calm, your stomach to settle, your eyes to clear of stupid tears. “I have no one left. It feels… delicate,” you finish finally. You need him to understand. You wish you were better at explaining.
Namjoon twists his wrist from your grasp gently, but takes your fingers in his. “What about me?” he asks, voice a little pouty. “We aren’t delicate?”
You smile at him, relief giving you more of a high than anything else could right now. “No,” you say, and touch his chest lightly, just over his beating heart. You brush your hand down his chest, drop it to your side, and turn to stare out at the crowd. “No,” you say again, finishing the thought. “You aren’t delicate at all. You’re steady. That’s something I really like about you.”
There’s a moment of silence that stretches between you, tension building like a bassline, and then he gives a tug to the hand he’s holding. You turn back to look at him.
“What do you want, Y/N?” he asks plaintively.
You open your mouth immediately to answer, but he cuts you off.
“Don’t think about him when you answer that,” he commands seriously, fingers clutching yours so tightly it almost hurts. “Don’t think about anything else but you and me. What do you want?”
What do you want?
“I…” you start feebly, unsure how you’ll even finish the sentence. “I want…”
Jimin rushes up to you, breathless, grabbing both of your arms. Namjoon drops your hand like it’s burned him. If Jimin notices, he doesn’t let on.
“We have to go,” he pants. “Literally right now. Jungkook hit on some huge guy’s girlfriend, it’s about to be a thing. Help me find everybody?”
“Where are they?” Namjoon asks, quickly setting his beer glass on the bar and reaching for your drink too. You let him take it, eyes wide.
“Taehyung grabbed Jungkook and ran - I think they’re outside. Have you seen Hobi? Or Jin?”
“Jin left with a girl two bars ago,” you supply, glad to be able to help.
“I see Hobi,” Namjoon says, craning his neck to scan the crowd. “I’ll go get him. Y/N, go with Jimin, we’ll meet up outside.”
He moves without waiting for an answer, wading through the crowd in what must be Hobi’s direction. Jimin takes you by the hand - it feels much different than it had felt a minute ago with Namjoon - and leads you through the crowd hurriedly, dodging people left and right. You look over your shoulder as he pulls you, trying to find Namjoon in the sea of people, but you can’t.
Outside, Jungkook seems to be arguing heatedly with the bouncer.
“Come on,” Taehyung is telling him, looking honestly pissed. “Let’s just go. The night’s already ruined, let’s just leave.”
You pull away from Jimin and head for Taehyung.
“Hey,” you say softly, resting a hand on his arm. He turns on you, still furious, but you don’t waver. “Take a breath,” you tell him softly.
His temper gets the best of him sometimes.
He shakes his head, angry, but you see his chest move as he obeys anyway. A second later he says, more calmly, “Come on, Jungkook, we can even go somewhere else if you want. We won’t have fun here, that guy’s friends are all worked up in there.”
Jungkook relents as Hobi and Namjoon join you on the sidewalk. You slide your hand off of Taehyung’s arm, feeling weirdly guilty.
“We rallying?” Hobi asks hopefully. “Or did we kill the buzz?”
“Rally!” Jimin cheers, going over and shaking a sullen Jungkook’s shoulder. “Come on! The night prevails!”
“I’ll go somewhere else,” Taehyung says.
“I think I’m done,” Namjoon says, glancing at his phone for the time. “I’ll Uber from here.”
“Y/N?” Taehyung asks, looking to you. For a second, you’re not sure why. Then you realize - you either have to Uber home with Namjoon, or opt to continue on with the rest of the guys.
The angel whispers that you haven’t hung out with Taehyung as much lately.
The devil whispers that you and Namjoon could be all alone.
0-2 for the angels tonight.
“I’m tired,” you say. “I’ll Uber with Namjoon. You guys have fun though. JK, try to keep it in your pants.”
He flips you off wordlessly, still sulking.
They all tell you goodbye, Taehyung giving you an extra-tight squeeze with his hug, and they walk down the block to find another bar. You turn to Namjoon, who’s tapping at his phone to order a ride.
What do you want? His question floats in your head.
You don’t know. You want too much, too many things, too many contradictions.
It seems like Namjoon knows, and forgives you. He silently holds out a hand, waiting. You take it, keeping it tight in yours, not letting go even as you slide into the backseat of the Uber, as it weaves through the neighborhoods until it stops in front of your building, as it drives away, leaving you lit in red taillights before vanishing around the corner.
You’re standing on the sidewalk in front of your building’s front door, Namjoon’s hand in yours, your eyes sleepy but your pulse racing.
He tugs you towards the stairs, and you think he’s going to lead you inside. Instead he spins you and presses you back against the stone balustrade, one hand splayed across the middle of your spine, the other cupping your jaw as he kisses you insistently.
You open immediately for him, giving a happy noise low in your throat. His spare hand, the one not holding you up off the rough stone below, grips the back of your neck for the barest of seconds before continuing down - rubbing patterns past your shoulder blade, the middle of your back, down to the dip of your waist, the swell of your hip, the meat of your ass. He’d better appreciate every curve, you squeezed into spanx for this dress.
You grip at the lapels of his ridiculous detective coat, the earth spinning in circles around you in a blur. You’re aware of only where your hands bunch the fabric, of only where his teeth and lips and tongue clash with yours, of only the fiery path his hand traces up and down your body. You melt into his touch, wanting more, trying to pull him closer, trying to get lost in each sensation.
He breaks the kiss to nip a line of sharp nibbles down your neck. You whine, trying to give him more room. His hands come to rest on your ribcage, thumbs not quite reaching your chest, which has to be a conscious decision on his part. You can feel the cold night air on your thighs; your dress has ridden up. This snaps you out of the moment a little.
“Namjoon,” you murmur, but it comes out a little whiny as he continues to nibble down near the juncture of your neck and shoulder. “We should go inside.”
He stills, then pulls away, eyes seeking yours for any signs of discontent. “Yeah,” he says finally, one syllable all he can handle. “Come on.”
He releases your body gently, letting you find your balance on the pavement. Then, he leads you up the stairs and inside. In the threshold of the apartment, you look at him, a question on your face.
“We’re both really drunk,” he says apologetically, reaching out to brush some stray hairs away from your face. “We should probably cool down a little.”
He’s right - you know he’s right.
“Yeah,” you say, letting the front door close behind you. “Okay.”
You press one palm against the wall for balance as you fight with your shoes, sliding them off one at a time.
Namjoon’s in his room, but the door hangs open. You pause in the doorway of your bedroom, realizing you have a problem.
“Um, hey,” you call across the living room, and he takes a few steps to come look at you. He’s lost the hat and the long coat, and his button-down is undone, revealing a tight, white undershirt beneath. “I promise this isn’t a come-on,” you say, biting back a smile. “But I legitimately can’t reach the zipper on this. Can you-?”
“Of course,” he says, crossing the living room. You turn your back to him, presenting the zipper. He gently sweeps your hair off of your nape and places it over your shoulder. You shiver, goosebumps rising along your arms, and you hear him hum a pleased noise at your reaction. You feel him fumble with the hook-and-eye at the top, and then the zipper sounds. He pauses halfway down your back.
“That good?” he checks. “You can reach that?”
“Yes,” you say, turning back to face him. He’s still got a bit of your lipstick on his mouth, and it makes you have to fight off a smirk. Down, girl. “Goodnight, Namjoon.”
He looks at you for a long minute, expression unreadable. Finally, he says, “Goodnight,” and steps back out into the darkness of the living room. When he gets to his room this time, he closes the door behind him with a soft click. You stare at the inch of light that comes from under his door for a minute before hurrying to close your own door against the dark.
Sunday November 4th
You spend most of Saturday in bed, heart and head both pounding, which means you have a lot of homework to cram in on Sunday.
After you shower and eat, you set up in the living room to get some work done. Namjoon’s door is halfway open, and you can hear the clacking and bass thumps that mean he’s writing in there.
Midafternoon, he appears in his doorway, stretching widely. Your eyes skim the inch of stomach exposed with the stretch and then flick back to your page before he can catch you.
“How’s it going?” he asks, heading into the kitchen.
You twist your mouth, eyeing your laptop and the text spread open on your lap. “I guess it’s going. Sort of.”
“What are you working on?” he asks.
“A paper for one of the bullshit general classes,” you tell him. “Which makes it more challenging, because I deeply do not care.”
He laughs at this, then plops onto the couch a few feet away from you, a water bottle in his hands.
“How about you?” you ask. “It sounded like it was going well.”
“It was going okay,” he agrees. “I reached the end of a scene, so now I need to like… process, look at what’s coming next. I might take a short walk and let it marinate in my brain a little.”
You smile. “How come you never work out here?” you ask him, just curious.
He gives a quick, self-deprecating laugh. “I wouldn’t get anything done. I’d just talk to you.”
You flush, feeling your face heat up, and bite back a smile. “What if I refused to answer?” you offer. “I could just sit here like -.” You mime zipping your lips, still fighting a smile. For good measure, you lock it up and throw the key over your shoulder.
His smile grows. “Wouldn’t help. I’d still be able to look at you.”
Your blush intensifies; you’re tempted to go stick your head in the freezer to cool your cheeks down. “I’ll turn around, then,” you tell him.
His grin turns wolfish. “I assure you, that will not solve the problem.”
Your jaw drops. “Kim Namjoon!” you scold, but you’re giggling.
“I’m just being honest!” he defends, laughing deeply, holding his hands up in mock surrender. “Anyway, why? Does it bother you that I stay in there?”
“No,” you say immediately. “You can do what you want.”
He gives you a knowing look, like he’s used to your bullshit and isn’t falling for it. When did that happen? “Don’t get prickly,” he warns.
“Don’t compare me to plants,” you grumble.
“Do you want me to work out here instead?” he asks gently, smiling at you like you’re adorable, which just sets your prickliness off even more.
“I don’t know what I want,” you retort.
There’s a long, stretchy silence as you both consider just how true those words are, on several different levels.
Finally, Namjoon gives you a nod in goodbye and heads back to his room.
This time, he closes the door gently behind him.
–
Taehyung invites you out that night, to see a movie you’d been talking about. You tell him yes, as long as you can go to the earlier showing. But then you start to feel… guilty. Unsure.
You want to ask Namjoon if he cares if you hang out with Taehyung still. He’s bothered by some aspect of your friendship, obviously, but you don’t know what it is. Is it only the fact that Taehyung is a bit of a barrier for you two? Or is he threatened by the whole friendship?
You lay sideways across your bed in the fading late afternoon light, considering this. You imagine asking Namjoon. You think his answer would probably be, do what you want, I’m not your boyfriend.
Which, fair. That conversation needs to come first. Are you together, do either of you even really want that?
In the end, you don’t bring it up. When it’s time, you do your best to sneak out of the apartment, hoping to avoid any conversation about it at all.
Taehyung’s car idles on the street below, and you let yourself in the passenger side and buckle up. You’re anxious, you realize, as Taehyung starts complaining about an argument he had with Jimin back at their place. You’re afraid he’ll ask something that will lead the conversation to Namjoon, afraid that he’ll catch you tripping up, clue in that there’s something worth his attention there.
You can’t lie to him. He knows this as well as you do.
That’s why he never asks you questions he doesn’t really want the answers to.
You’re anxious for nothing, because Taehyung talks about his own shit for the whole drive to the movies, and the whole time you’re in line for snacks, and for the whole time before the movie starts as you sit in the back row of the theater munching on overpriced popcorn.
But the movie is good, and you get pulled into the fictional world, and when the lights come on you find Taehyung’s arm casually over the back of your seat. You hadn’t even noticed it was there.
“I can’t believe Jimin wouldn’t come see this,” Taehyung scoffs as you file out of the theater and back to the lobby. “That was so good! Just because he doesn’t like that one actor?”
You’re curious if Taehyung would have still asked you to join him tonight if Jimin hadn’t turned him down first.
But, like Taehyung, you don’t ask questions if you aren’t prepared to hear the truth. So you don’t ask. What would be the point?
You wonder during the drive home if you’d feel better talking to Taehyung about what was going on with you if the guy in question wasn’t his friend.
Maybe.
But only a little better.
Monday November 5th
Unlike the Monday before, Namjoon leaves for campus without you on Monday morning. You aren’t sure if he’s upset with you, or if he just needed to be there early. You’re too cowardly to ask.
You need some support.
If it’s not coming from your “best friend”, you’ll have to outsource.
You trudge through your morning class, eat as fast as you can - alone - in the cafeteria, and head to the student center. You get to the store well before your shift starts.
You aren’t allowed to clock in yet, so you kill some time doing reading for class in the stock room. The second your shift starts, you’re at the front registers, uncomfortably close to Kris’s personal bubble.
“Yes?” they ask you archly, eyeing your proximity suspiciously.
“I… have a confession to make,” you say, your voice as quiet as you can make it. You’re barely moving your mouth, you’re trying so hard to not actually say these words. “There… has been… perhaps… some kissing.”
Kris is stunned into silence for the first time since you’ve known them. Eyes wide and jaw slack, they stare at you. Then, they clarify loudly, “By you?”
You growl in exasperation. “Don’t be cute.”
Kris beams. “Can’t help it, it’s ingrained in my DNA.”
“I need you to be just a tiny bit serious,” you tell them, “because I am having a full-blown crisis.”
Kris sobers instantly. “Wait,” they whisper. “Crisis? Explain.”
“I kissed…” you cast your eyes around the bookstore, making sure no one’s lurking, “...the one I live with.”
Kris gasps. “You did not! You kissed him? Not the other way around?”
“I did,” you admit, feeling yourself flush again. “Twice. Well, the second time he started it, if you want to get technical.”
“I do want to get technical,” Kris whispers, voice almost reverent. “I can’t fucking believe this. So, why the crisis?”
You take a deep breath. Which factor to start with? Because you don’t want to give up on Taehyung yet? Because you don’t want to risk altering that friendship beyond repair? Because you don’t know if Namjoon will be able to handle your best friend being a guy - a guy that you’ve had feelings for?
“Because I don’t know what I want,” you say, the simplest truth. “I can’t get my head straight.”
Kris cocks their head. “If you didn’t know Taehyung - if you removed him completely from the situation -.”
“Impossible,” you protest.
They hold up a finger to silence you. “If you removed him from the situation,” they continue over you, “would you want to pursue things with Namjoon?”
Guilt hits you like an ocean wave, tugging you down, down, down. “Yes,” you whisper, because that part is just true. There’s no wiggle room, no if’s. You like him. You want to see where it will go. If there were no chance of losing Taehyung in the mix, it wouldn’t be a question at all.
“Y/N,” Kris says insistently, leaning towards you. “You are not doing anything wrong here. Taehyung is your friend. Nothing else - and that’s his fault. You aren’t, like, betraying him by catching feelings for someone else. He can’t expect you to sit around waiting for him until you die!”
“He doesn’t expect that,” you say, still in a whisper, because suddenly your throat is tight in that way it gets when you’re upset.
“You need to talk to Taehyung,” Kris tells you gently. You groan. “And the conversation should not be you asking for permission, either!” they continue, impassioned. “You need to tell him I’m seeing someone and you need to be okay with it.”
“But they’re friends,” you protest. “It’s so messy. I’ve never had messy before.”
“You’ve never had anything before,” Kris points out.
“That wasn’t nice,” you grumble. “Yes I have.”
“Nothing that mattered,” they correct. “Nothing with feelings.”
You slump onto the counter. “I hate this.”
“I’m telling you,” Kris says airily. “If you don’t talk to them, this is all going to blow up in your face. You can’t have your cake and eat it, too.”
“Why do you have to be right all the time,” you complain. Kris smiles beatifically.
When your shifts ends, your feet take you not towards home, but towards the academic building where Namjoon’s “office” is.
You’re thinking about your conversation about Kris; you’re thinking about the idea of fairness.
It isn’t fair, as Kris said, for Taehyung to expect you to wait indefinitely for something that was probably never coming, to hold you emotionally hostage.
It isn’t fair for you to do the same thing to Namjoon - to keep him waiting, wondering, unsure if you’ll ever be completely in it. You know that’s the reason things have kept progressing so slowly between you. You’ve felt guilty letting it get any further, felt afraid of those damn consequences. And if you had to bet, Namjoon has been trying to wait for you to sort it out, to make the choice - to choose him.
You can hear the low tones of his voice as you approach down the quiet hallway. Only the staff are normally back here, sometimes one or two students who need to speak to a professor, so there’s not a lot of foot traffic.
You linger in the hallway, leaning against the wall and messing around on your phone, far enough away to not be able to tell what Namjoon and the student are discussing. When the student - a young guy who looks absolutely dejected as he passes by you - exits, you slip past him and lean against the doorway. Namjoon doesn’t notice you right away. It’s clear that his hours have ended and he’s packing up his stuff. When he does notice a body in the doorway, he jumps, inhaling sharply in alarm.
He slumps against the back of the chair when he registers that it’s you.
“I’m usually the jumpy one,” you giggle.
He gives you a sideways smile as he leaves over his bag on the floor, messing with the clasp. “I didn’t expect to see anyone else. What are you - I mean, what’s up?”
“What am I doing here?” you tease, catching his slip. You feel a little nervous, but you’re determined to do this correctly, to treat him better. “I came to see if you wanted to walk back together.”
Namjoon goes a little still, and you hurry to add, “It’s okay if you don’t! It didn’t make my walk longer or anything to come here first. I just thought I’d check.”
He lets you babble. He does as he’s been doing since the beginning - he waits you out with a patient smile.
“So…” you finally finish, the nerves fluttering and hopping around your stomach. “Do you? Want to walk back with me?”
He stands, lifting his bag from the ground and hoisting it onto his shoulder. “Yes,” he says simply, giving you a tiny smile.
You follow him down the narrow hallway, back down the stairs you’d climbed a minute ago, and outside. It’s a nice day - bright and sunny, chilly but not freezing. Campus is busy, and you have to people-dodge a little as you cross the main section, the crossroads of the two main paths.
The second you cross through the front gate and step onto the city sidewalk on the other side, Namjoon silently reaches for your hand. It’s different from last time, in the rain - not urgent, not pulling. It’s gentle and tentative and, weirdly, somehow sensual the way his thumb runs over your knuckles as he glances sideways at you to see if you’re okay with this.
You give his fingers a tiny squeeze.
You walk together in silence for a few minutes, and then Namjoon asks you quietly. “How was your day? You had class this morning? Was it for Thesis?”
You smile up at him, happy to have someone to talk to about this. Kris would listen, you’re sure, because Kris is a good human, but they would much rather talk about romance. And Taehyung… it’s November, and Taehyung has asked you about your classes or your thesis exactly zero times.
“No, not for my thesis,” you tell him. “Just a regular lit class. It was okay! I was so tired, I could barely stay awake… I think I’m still recovering from the weekend.”
He laughs. “Can’t imagine why,” he teases, voice going a little deeper. “I’m sure you were a perfect angel all weekend long.”
The joke - that you’d dressed as a devil - is not lost on you, and you grin up at him. “Clever,” you say.
He beams back, proud. “Sometimes,” he allows.
“How about you?” you ask. “Did you have class before your TA hours?”
“Yep,” he says, nodding. “Unfortunately, it was a research-based class.”
You groan in sympathy. “First thing on a Monday morning? Fucking ouch.”
“Tell me about it,” he says with a shake of his head. “I’m not much of a napper, but damn, I could use a nap.”
At the apartment, you decide to watch a show you’re in the middle of, and you settle on the couch with a throw-blanket over your legs. Namjoon appears in the doorway of his bedroom, looking at you a little balefully.
“Can I… do you mind if I read out here?” he asks.
You scramble to sit up a little making room on the other side of the couch. “You don’t need to ask,” you say, a little appalled that he’d felt the need. “You live here! I never mind, I promise.”
Appeased, he makes his way over and gets comfortable on the other side of the couch. It occurs to you that this is how you and Taehyung usually spend your time - on opposite ends of the couch - but you shove the thought away.
You glance at him now and then as your show plays, and a few times you think you catch him watching more than reading. In between episodes, you notice his book face-down on his chest, rising and falling in deep, even motions. His head leans back against the arm of the couch, and his eyelids flutter as he dreams.
Smiling a tiny smile, you fluff your blanket to cover his legs, and press play for the next episode.
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Thank you so much for being here!!!!! What did we think of what I lovingly call "the Halloween Pub Crawl Fiasco"?!
Section VII will drop on Friday, February 24th! I hope to see you there!!
#bts fanfic#bts x reader#namjoon fanfic#namjoon fic#namjoon x reader#namjoon angst#namjoon smut#namjoon x you#bts fic#Namjoon fanfic#rm fanfic#kim namjoon fanfic#rm angst#rm smut#rm x reader#strangers to lovers#s2l#college au#roomie au#rm fic#fic: mffmhh#slow burn
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There was a post on here a while back which described navigating social spaces while Autistic like trying to walk through a minefield. One wrong move and, well, you blow up. blowing up hurts, so you create systems, rules, you try and find a rhyme or reason as to how the explosives are laid out so that you might make it through unscathed. I've come to know this as "Masking".
There's a moment where every autistic realizes that they are different, because they step on a mine that, to an allistic, isn't even there. It's a crushing weight to know that there is a seemingly invisible force that will hurt them again and again unless they hide who they are (begin to mask) and try to forge a path. For me it was middle school when I learned this; when I realized I didn't truly have any friends because public school is cruel and othering. So, I changed how I spoke, learned how to tell jokes, developed hobbies that would make me more likable (which is how I started art) until, finally, 8 years later It seemed like I was on the other of the field: I had finally made it.
That all shattered in an instant, in 2021, a decisive step ended with a fireball so large fragments of me are still being found in the field. So, hurt and stricken with the loss of acceptance that I so briefly had, I did the other option that post talked about: I stayed still. Just..didn't move, because if I did I risked being hurt again. New year's 2022 I had moved up north, but still I remained where I was. 2023 came and began to pass, and instead of keeping pace I watched as it sped by.
To put it bluntly, I was burnt out both socially and in my art, full of resentment for what hurt me and shame for not being able to mask as effectively; that version of me had died in the explosion. All these terrible feelings reached a boil when my shame and resentment towards myself was inadvertently aimed towards someone I loved. In that moment I saw that I was rotting...
And I saw how empty I was.
So much of myself previously was dedicated solely to masking in an attempt to fit in, that when fitting in became no longer an option that huge part of myself became void of purpose, and so that part of me itself became a void.
I don't really remember the months after that, but in October I had gotten my hands on a book: "Unmasking Autism" by Devon Price. The introduction to that book was like an electric shock to my heart, revitalizing me and reversing the decay- his and other autistic folk's experiences described in the book was so alike mine that I suddenly understood my emptiness and was aware of the fractured mask hanging from my face. Armed with knowledge of my ailment the author then gave me a path out of the minefield...back from whence I came. Retrace my steps. Understand previous blunders, forgive myself for them, and exit the field to forge my own way to live and navigate life freely without fear of being reduced to bits.
I will struggle to post this, I know I will. Part of me masking, one of my guiding rules through the mines was to *never* make sincere personal posts because "sincerity from someone you follow who's not known for it is uncomfortable" (getting into the why of this is a whole other can of worms). But I will do it anyways, because the time for me being avoidant of my feelings are over.
In 2024, I will be fully embracing my autism. I don't know what i'll look like without the mask- I probably still haven't gotten rid of it fully- But I will be more genuine...probably uncomfortably so, My blog will be more self-serving (and probably my art too once I detangle my worth as an artist from how "good" it looks), I'll reblog cringy fandom stuff and say weird things and blog at length about how much I love airplanes and large industrial systems and freak furry things. I will be deadpan and monotone and just be so unapologetically autistic, because then i'll truly be me. ok bye bye
#im trying not to let the fear of judgement get to me ohh. at least after this all my cool blog points will drain so i'll be free#then i can just do whatever the hell i want!#btw. if i've ever randomly ghosted you it's probably because i didn't know how to navigate the situation. I know it's a bad habit I have#so if things are or were weird between us shoot me an ask or dm or something! or don't!!!! but the option is there#terminal talks
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I really hope this doesn't come across wrong because I don't mean any shade or criticism, just genuinely curious. Why have you progressively muted color in your artwork over the years? Again, I don't mean anything negative. Your artwork is truly gorgeous, and the softer colors suit your style and make it stand out. I'm just genuinely curious since you've mentioned it yourself several times, and I'm someone who struggles with color theory to begin with. Is it a conscious choice, brighter palettes being overstimulating, some combination, etc.? Thank you for sharing your art, and I apologize profusely if this was a bad question to ask.
you're all good! i love sharing my journey. i get this question a lot and all i can really say is uh my brain took color theory a little too seriously and now it can't stop its subconscious descent
basically, once i learned color theory in 2019/2020, my brain hooked onto that concept and could match a lot of colors to a specific hue in the canvas
unfortunately for me, this extended to clip studio paint's UI (and the gray canvas i'd start out with) and it started to influence my palettes. gradually, as i got better with color, the desaturation/low contrast took over because of it. and it just progressively gets worse lol
my old laptop (used 2015–early 2020) had the WORST display for art with insanely inaccurate colors, so i wasn't able to delve too much into less intense palettes until i had gotten my gaming laptop in june 2020. along with that, the UI of my old laptop's clip studio was much lighter and higher contrast than that of its current one
here is a great example of how my art's progressed over time
i think a major pivotal point into my current style (which if you asked me at the time, i would've said nah my style was already desaturated oh boy was it not looking at my art now) was doing huevember, where i had created my own prompts with muted colors. the extreme palette of that event just absolutely set my brain on its path and you can tell by the end of that month (done bottom right first, top left last)
i do find it a lot easier on the eyes, which absolutely is a reason why i still follow it so strongly. i don't do well with bright screens, which is why i ditched the white canvas SO quickly in 2017 when i first started out. funny enough, nowadays i have to turn my brightness up so far just to be able to better see my art ...which absolutely kills my eyes if i switch to my light mode browser or something lol
my art's definitely softened up too since a) switching from pencil to gouache to rectangle brush, and b) colored lineart and then painting over lineart. it's a combination of things, yes but mostly just my brain like to play "match the colors" n all ahaha
that's my ramble 😌 thank you! <3
#i will say my colors absolutely dipped in late 2020 early 2021 i believe it was#because i just was not used to a) color theory and b) my new laptop#so i got a LOT of complaints that my art was just too dark LMAO#so now it's a little lighter and the desaturation/low contrast feels more prominent somehow#guess because it's so evenly toned with that 50 value gray there lol
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Mebuki: *sighs* When will you learn? Place the flowers here. *points to the spot next to the vase*
Sakura: Sorry.. *places the bouquet near the vase* There.. *turns to Sasuke* Um, Sasuke-kun, you already know my mom right? *turns to her mother* Mom, this is Sasuke-kun.. We just got back recently from our travels..
Sasuke: *bows* Hi.
Mebuki: Have a sit. Please wait for a bit while we prepare the food. Her father will meet you later. *fake smiles*
Sasuke: Thanks. *sees Sakura's worried look*
Mebuki: *takes Sakura to the kitchen* What would a terrorist like to eat?
Kizashi: *laughs*
Sakura: *whispers* Mom, what is wrong with you?
Kizashi: You should've asked that to yourself. Why would you bring him here? I'm sure our neighbors saw you. Heck, it's so embarrassing.
Mebuki: Isn't it true though that he's a terrorist? Of all people, Sakura? Of all people?
Sakura: Mom, Dad, please lower your voice.. He might hear you..
Mebuki: I don't care! A criminal, really?
Kizashi: And an international one at that.
Sakura: Don't say that! He's not— He's not a criminal..
Mebuki: He was and he will always be, in every citizen's eyes! Sakura! You've had many suitors.. Almost all are from noble families.. That boy— If you go with that boy, you'll be a disgrace. *sighs*
Sakura: Mom..
Kizashi: At least he's good looking and he's an Uchiha. Right, Sakura?
Mebuki: *stares at Sakura* Why am I even surprised? You've always been like that. No ambition. You always do the opposite of what I ask you to do.
Sakura: Please stop.. Let's talk about this some other time—
Mebuki: You think you're independent just because you're strong physically. You think you can make your own decisions just because you're intelligent..
Kizashi: Sakura, you'll always need your family. You can't even cook, let alone live and survive on your own. Prove something to us then maybe we'll consider your choices.
Mebuki: Well, sorry to tell you, Sakura, but you haven't proven anything! Look at you! Your life is stagnant.. You could've chosen a different path. But, you wanted to be different so bad! You want to go for your stupid dreams!
Sakura: I— I just.. I just—
Mebuki: You just followed your heart? You always say that. You followed your dream to be a ninja even if our family has no kekkei genkai. You followed the love of your life even if he's the worst—
Sakura: STOOOOP!!
Mebuki: *dumbfounded*
Kizashi: *taken aback*
Sasuke: *overhears everything; thinking if he should meddle and go there* /thinks/ Sakura is going through this regularly? *remembers his conversation with Naruto*
|||
Naruto: So, you're meeting her family, huh.. Are you nervous?
Sasuke: What is there to be nervous about?
Naruto: I don't know if it's still the same but Sakura-chan doesn't have a good relationship with her parents, especially her mother. I actually thought she crossed the line when she talked crap about them once.
Sasuke: Well, Sakura must have her reasons.
Naruto: It pained me to hear her talk about her parents like that.. Especially when I myself— You know—
Sasuke: I get you. I lost my parents at a young age and it still hurts me to this day thinking they could've been living peacefully with me.. But Naruto..
Naruto: What is it?
Sasuke: We can't judge Sakura. We were never in her shoes. I must admit, I also thought that at first glance, yes she's luckier than us. But there are other factors too.
Naruto: *nods* Right. Sakura-chan was right after all.
Sasuke: Hm?
Naruto: When she ranted to me about her parents before, I got pissed to be honest.. We almost argued about it.. And she said it would've been different if you were there. Like you'd understand her situation better.
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Sasuke: /thinks/ Naruto and I used to envy Sakura because her family is complete. But this— This is too much..
Sakura: I invited him as a human, you will treat him as a human—
Mebuki: How dare you speak to me like that— *about to slap her*
Sasuke: *grabs her hand* Sharingan! *erases her memory*
Sakura: S-Sasuke-kun!
Sasuke: We're leaving. *takes her hand and leaves Mebuki and Kizashi sitting at their dining table*
---
Sakura: *sobbing*
Sasuke: I should've erased your memory as well.
Sakura: Did you hear everything?
Sasuke: Yeah.
Sakura: I'm sorry—
Sasuke: It's not your fault.. It's mine.. I shouldn't have gone there.
Sakura: No, I invited you, remember?
Sasuke: Yes, but I didn't want you to have a fight with your parents because of me.. That's also the reason why I erased their memories. I don't want them to have a recollection of your argument earlier.
Sakura: It's embarrassing.. People think I have a perfect family.. But it's far from perfect.. It's far from normal..
Sasuke: You can tell me about them, you know. *holds her hand* You can be honest with me.
Sakura: I'm sorry for not telling you about them. I kept them from you on purpose because they're not good. Lady Tsunade and Kakashi-sensei have always been my mother and father figures..
Sasuke: I understand..
Sakura: My mom.. She's a perfectionist. She likes everything to be done her way. She could be loud if I didn't follow her.. In fact I was scared to do something wrong when I was a kid.
Sasuke: /thinks/ No wonder you were also loud and insensitive when we were younger.
Sakura: My dad on the other hand.. He's usually nonchalant but he always sides with my mom. So, it's always 2 versus 1. When I went to the Academy to train as a ninja, they were both against it.
Sasuke: Did you rebel?
Sakura: You can say that.. Years after, I thought they've accepted it.. But apparently they didn't.
Sasuke: They told you straight up?
Sakura: That's the thing.. They talked behind my back.. I could be at the living room and they'd talk loudly about me in their bedroom.
Sasuke: Sakura..
Sakura: I heard them say, "when will she give up?", "a ninja can't be that clumsy", "she should've gone for another career", *how can she be bright and dumb at the same time?"
Sasuke: They said that?
Sakura: Yes.. On purpose.. *starts crying*
Sasuke: *hugs her* I'm sorry, Sakura.
Sakura: I told you it's not your fault..
Sasuke: No.. I'm sorry for judging you when we were younger.. Part of my annoyance was rooted to your insensitivity.. Your situation was much—
Sakura: I was really mean and I didn't even know.. I thought I was acting normal.. Maybe I was acting like my parents..
Sasuke: But you've changed.. You went past that behavior.
Sakura: *smiles softly* Sasuke-kun, I'm sorry if I can't introduce you to them properly..
Sasuke: You don't have to..
Sakura: S-Sasuke-kun?
Sasuke: I've read once.. Stop planting flowers in people's yards who aren't going to water them.
Sakura: *nods* That's.. That's deep.. But I agree..
Sasuke: In time, we will have our own little family.. We will be different.
Sakura: Sasuke-kun! *smiles* Yes.. I promise I'll try to be a good parent..
Sasuke: A good parent that you never had..
Sakura: *nods*
---
12 years later..
Sakura: *washing the dishes* Ah, the food was so good.
Sasuke: Yes. Sarada's dishes and your cooking will make me fat. *laughs*
Sakura: Our baby is a grownup now. *giggles*
Sasuke: And you should've seen her fireball jutsu earlier.
Sakura: I bet it was big!
Sasuke: It was. Only a true Uchiha can make something as big as that.
Sarada: *overhears them from the living room* /thinks/ My parents always talk like I'm not around.. Sometimes it's TMI but most of the time it's wholesome like this. They're so silly.. But I love them so much.. I'll make you prouder, Mama, Papa!
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Hi! If I may, this is not about Widderwood, but the way you talked about witchcraft in a recent answer, "Real world witchcraft is literally just moving with intention and cause & effect" and "it helps with being delibreate with my life": seems quite interesting, but would you care to elaborate, if you wish and have time? Or is there a previous post here or somewhere else where you already talked about your view on witch spirituality? Sorry if I bother, obviously you're free to not answer and ignore this message if it's too personal or annoying. Thank you for sharing your art and world!
Yeah I'll try to explain. Unfortunately when people hear magic or witchcraft they of the media fantasy version of witchcraft or whatever when that's not what it is at all. It's just like any religion in that it focuses on cultivating life morals, cause & effect (praying to a God for blessings is similar!), and can be utilized by less than great people for power and control over others.
Witchcraft varies greatly by culture and even the person, but I can only speak from European centric stuff and my own practice. For background, I've followed my own path since I was around 12 with no guidance from others.
Spells work by focusing intention. You want x, so you create a small ritual that helps to focus on the task and what you really want and how to get to that point, like any goal setting. Often rituals are repeated for greater power to achieve a result- just like a habit. Spiritually speaking, the reasoning is often considered that everything has an energy, and this energy can be manipulated, or that there are God(s) at work. Psychology speaking, these rituals simply help you realize what you actually want to work toward and give you the gumption to go for it. For both, it's commonly believed that spells won't work unless you put in the actual, real effort to work toward a goal- and that is part of the magic. It is the act of creation. And failure is just as likely, especially if you don't plan for it or are unrealistic. You can't make someone love you or win 1 mil, but you do have the power to be kind to others and better your finances by education or similar opportunities... and even if you fail anyway, there is always something you learn from it. You just have to be intentional.
I fully believe you don't have to believe in God's or ghosts or anything to do witchcraft. The fact it works to better our lives- even if it really is just in our brains at the end of the day- is enough. And just like how people has historically leaned on a Christian God to get through times of hardship- that's what I use it for. To better myself, to realize what I want to work toward in life, and to make a conscious effort toward it. It isn't a replacement for professional help, but the addition of witchcraft has significantly helped me in my own mental health, continued betterment as a person, and appreciate living.
Tarot cards are similar. They assume fortune telling = fate, which imo is wrong. Some people think theyre demonic, some think theyre "stupid" because of the connection to spirituality, and some people consider them too serious and scary, but like all tools you have to use them right, and by God do they work when you do! Tarot cards are absolutely amazing as prompts. Ask a reasonable question, get a card, and notice what emotions and thoughts come to mind immediately- you have all the answers within you, you just might not be paying attention... and Tarot works as a surrogate third party to reflect and help you pay attention to what you really feel. Witchcraft rituals all work essentially the same way.
There's also more woo-woo centric things like ghosts and fae and such. I personally am on the fence on it all but "believe just in case" lol. I've experienced many paranormal things but also know it could be caused by my autism, trauma, or whatever else. But it isn't hurting me or anyone else.. so it doesn't matter!
This is all a ramble and probably hard to understand if you aren't already very familiar with these kind of eccentric things. I work with a lot of chemistry so I've personally noticed how close witchcraft things are to science and even therapy- and likewise how a lot of past beliefs of magic were actually just yet unexplained science & medicine.
At the end of the day, I know everything may be an illusion from my various ailments and perspective. But that's perfectly okay, because it has done nothing but make me happier, more emotionally strong, and helped me focus to better my life and relationships. It's made me a much better, intelligent person and is the perfect fit for my life, though it may not be for everyone. Our variance, weirdness, and mysteries are the beauty of being alive.
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ERM
ok so
anonymous bc no way am i showing my url on this Jhshsheheh
so like all my friends at school. they seem. so much more mature than i am???
like even the ones who are younger than me. they're already thinking about partners. and dating n stuff. like some of my friends already have partners
but i. just am not interested in that rn??? and sometimes i feel like there's. something Wrong with me. yk
like im year 9 but. i feel like i should be thinking about this and it feels like im not mature enough that i don't want to worry abt that now
- 🐉
there is nothing wrong with you. listen to me. there is absolutely Nothing wrong with you.
it is perfectly normal to not be interested in romantic relationships, i wasnt at your age and im still not. i am in a platonic relationship with my best friend, mostly because it comforts us both to know that no matter what happens we will not be alone. even if all of our other friends get into romantic relationships and prioritise them over friendships
desiring a romantic partner does not make you more mature than anyone else. having a romantic partner or a partner of any kind is not a requirement for happiness, fulfilment, or maturity.
focus on what You actually want. ask yourself what would make You happy, what would make you feel fulfilled and satisfied with your life. set aside these notions of what we are Supposed to want, of what it is ""Normal"" to want, and focus your attention on yourself. this is your life, and you owe it to yourself to follow your own path.
i think it would help you to research aspec identities, especially aromantic ones, and talk to aromantic people about their experiences. you might not be aromantic! alloromantic people can still have no desire to be in romantic relationships, and that is perfectly fine and normal. and likewise aromantic and arospec people can want to be in romantic relationships despite their lack of romantic attraction. what i think researching this community will do for you is show you that romance is not the be all and end all of human beings. it is not a requirement for existing and being happy.
i think even progressive parents can fall into this trap of telling their kids "when you grow up and get a girlfriend or a boyfriend" or "when you get married to your spouse", and like, yea its great that they arent assuming you will be straight, but they are still placing the expectation on you to Want a romantic relationship and that you will have one no matter what. and that doesnt have to be the case!
your "happily ever after" does Not have to involve riding off into the sunset with your One True Love, it can in fact be a freezeframe of you and your best friends jumping into the air together and pulling silly faces!
idk this is. a long and rambling answer to what was a fairly simple question but. this ask hit me very close to home. i know how you feel. i felt Exactly the same way when i was your age. i felt wrong and broken and different and i didnt understand Why everyone was so excited about dating and kissing and relationships. so. im telling you what i wish someone would have told me.
take a deep breath. and let go. you dont need to have it all figured out Right Now. you can in fact just enjoy life as it happens! you dont have to know exactly what you want at this age. you can figure it out as you go. you have So Much Life ahead of you to learn and grow make mistakes and change your mind and figure things out and just. live.
the world wont end if you never want a romantic relationship. life will go on. you will find out what Really matters to you. and thats the beauty of being alive! please do not force yourself to do anything you dont Really want to do, just because thats what it feels like you're Supposed to do.
you are unique and beautiful and so so alive. you are doing just fine, and im so proud of you. you belong here.
you are loved.
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Thoughts about Shinpachi
Many times I’ve seen how he’s called out for being a boring character or that he’s annoying for yelling a lot, and although he never seemed like an annoying character to me, I’ve to agree that he’s dull compared to his companions.
Shinpachi is the ordinary character of the main group, the straight man who balances Gintoki and Kagura within the Yorozuya. He starts out as someone who lacks strength and courage, but gradually improves over the course of the series. His initial goal is to save his family's dojo, though that’s more of something Tae wanted to do for his father, not a personal aspiration of his.
At first he was given the trait of being the leader of Otsuu's imperial troop, which was an interesting contrast to his usually submissive personality, showing he has leadership skills, but he never made much of it. Although it does help characterize him as someone with a very good heart, supporting Otsuu when she was just a street artist.
I think that's the strong point of Shinpachi's character. He’s compassionate and always remains optimistic despite difficulties. He’s kind and genuinely good. But he also suffers from an inferiority complex, he feels he has no control over his life in a society in which he lost the only thing that made him special, being a samurai.
In the case of Gintoki and Kagura, their stories were relatively planned from the beginning (at least Sorachi had an idea), which wasn’t the case with Shinpachi. We could say that Beam Saber arc is the arc of his past. Here, like his companions, he must face someone from his past who has become a villain. While it's a very emotional moment for both him and Tae, this whole situation has the problem that it was never brought up before and never brought up again.
Part of the arc's conclusion is how the two siblings go on vacation after the fact, a joke that takes some weight off the situation in my opinion. The true conclusion of the arc shows Shinpachi reviving the dojo by teaching the homeless, but later we see that this doesn't hold up over time either, so the whole arc ends up feeling kind of pointless in regards to his character development.
Something similar happens in the Correspondence arc, in which Kirara is introduced. Here they both pretend to be someone else when they meet, however, in the end they show themselves as they are, realizing that they’ve many things in common. It always seemed like a very nice thing to me, so I regretted the fact that Kirara didn’t appear again.
This wasn’t only because it was an important lesson for him to learn, but also because it would’ve been interesting to add another layer as Shinpachi's love interest. I don't mean including Kirara in the main cast, but keeping her present through the letters she would write to Shinpachi and bringing her back from time to time would’ve been enough.
Nevertheless, I consider the biggest problem occurred at the end of the series. Shinpachi was slowly but surely becoming an independent character. However, in the ending he’s shown to be unable to move on if he’s not with Gintoki by his side. And don’t get me wrong, I'm not trying to say that it's wrong that Shinpachi is very fond of Gintoki.
Nor it’s bad per se that he wants to be with the Yorozuya. It's about how it was shown. It appears that Shinpachi never followed his own dream. Restoring the dojo was something his sister wanted to do, not him. In the time skip he’s already an adult of 18 years. Staying in the Yorozuya seemed more like the need to remain in a shelter to avoid going out and having to face the world.
I would’ve liked to see that at the end of the series, someone who feels they’ve no control over his life would decide his own path. For someone with an inferiority complex to feel self-confident. Since the first prototype of the character was Nagakura Shinpachi, the captain of the second Shinsengumi squad, I would’ve loved Shinpachi to join the Shinsengumi, taking advantage of his leadership skills.
#Gintama#Shimura Shinpachi#Happy Birthday!#Ended up writing more than expected#But I'd a lot to say#I love him and he deserved better#Thoughts about#I can write#my post
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How did you learn to be OK liking diapers
I don't always know when to be brief and when to be overly explanatory. I'm guessing this is a time for verbosity, though. Why? Because of the huge subtext in your question. How to be ok with it; not how to be more turned on, how to get a specific kind of relationship... how to be ok with it. How to be ok, implying that you're not ok with your kinks, you're struggling emotionally likely to not just accept your kinks... but to accept yourself. Because spoiler alert: you are made up of a lot of things, and your kinks and fetishes are part of that.
So how did i hey to a point of self acceptance?
First, my process likely looks different than yours will. Let's acknowledge that. Self acceptance is a lifelong journey, and each of us treads our own paths. But put simply...I didn't accept my need for this stuff until I was in my late 20s or really into my early 30s. Plus, my journey involved family issues, recognizing issues with adhd, depression, anxiety, etc. I needed therapy, I needed friends, I needed a new life all before I could start my healing process... and hopefully you don't!
I had issues with acceptance. That's the key of this though: self acceptance and accepting your kinks. Accepting that you really don't have a lot of control over what turns you on, just how you interact with it. Acceptance and acknowledgement that me having a diaper fetish in no way, shape, or form negatively influences me as a human. I'm still me: I just sometimes get off in diapers.
So step 1: acceptance is key, and so is the very challenging task to recognize your value and qualities are not dependent on how socially acceptable those qualities are. Sure, SOME other people might judge, but not the quality ones.
Step 2: reconstruct my mental idea of what my kinks are. For example,I used to think i was deeply fucked up for wanting to wear diapers full time and unpotty train. Heck, I didn't even admit that to a therapist until I was nearly 30, almost a decade AFTER starting therapy... only to be told it wasn't a big deal. The therapist got to the heart of it very fast: she explained it as, roughly, "You want to become diaper dependent, yes because it is sexually exciting in some ways and a loss of autonomy and control, but also so you can justify your needs through physical, rather than emotional, justification". Mind fucking blown. My whole mental map had this idea at the core that I was a perverted sexual deviant... only to be reminded that we're all just trying to figure out why we feel and want what we feel. I'm just a bit more kinky about it than average. Add in a complete internal dialogue change (like accepting the term cute for my regressive mindset instead of it feeling 'fake', or embarrassing, or trying to be PROUD of my efforts to integrate kinky into my life in a healthy way, seeing progress and taking pride) and more change follows.
I found a whole new partnership: I can't promise I'd have made it this far in acceptance and self discovery without my partner, my love, my princess, and my sweetheart babygirl mommabyte, @giggle-byte . I found someone who fostered the good, helped me not obsess over the bad, and worked with me on gently repositioning my outlook and perspective. I think I've helped her in the same way, because support and encouragement are magical, awesome things.
This one can't be ignored: FIX THE OTHER STUFF. You might think your big issue is kink... and sometimes you're right, and sometimes you're wrong. I was fixated on kink as the source of Shame for me, of all my issues. Therapy and EMDR to cope with some trauma changed my outlook and I realized my core issues weren't that I was overly kinky or ashamed... it was that I was not taught healthy interactions with relationships, with kink, with family and I developed fragile and unhealthy attachments while repeating the negative patterns of behavior modeled for me by my family. And I got diagnosed, not just with depression and anxiety, but with adhd. And I started to treat it. I couldn't seem to get a good anti anxiety medication. I tried and failed about a half dozen antidepressants. And then I got help for adhd, and realized that in fact I had a severe developmental disorder, and am not just secretly lazy and useless like my entire self image taught me! Add in actually being better at focus, at my job, learning about my sexual and romantic needs while ACTUALLY GETTING THEM FILLED??? Fucking mind blowing!!!!!
So... to summarize so far, and the Key takeaways of my journey to accepting and being ok with diapers and my kinks; self acceptance, changing my internal dialogue, therapy, addressing underlying emotional and behavioral challenges, finding a romantic partner who accepted, supported, and nurtured my growth and safety, and then honestly working to develop better coping strategies and more positive self talk.
It's a lot! To be honest most folks don't struggle quite this hard, but hey, I'm special I guess. And my family did throw me out over kink. And I might've had a few complicating factors in there, lol... but the point is, being ok with diapers, and kink, and all of this stuff... it wasn't a single thing. And it wasn't a short term fix.
The only things I can advise for 'short-term' improvements are to help are changing your internal dialogue and seeking useful and peer reviewed research on how to cope with kinks and fetishism. And maybe getting a therapist... because that's kind of more key to my personal journey than I want to admit.
Good luck my friend and I wish you comfort, security, self acceptance, and a life of enjoying your kinks!
Good luck, bud, and as I try to tell everyone: stay happy, stay healthy, and stay kinky!!
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Mateo or Yun chuan hcs
If dating someone
I imagine their second bounties are very telling
🥺
I. Am. So sorry.
This has been sitting in my requestbox since last week I think and I absolutely forgot about it, shame on me, really.
I'll go with the Lore again and make up my mind about it, because, I gotta admit it... I don't own them either... I can only read what is given to me on the Wiki or in animations... sorry :>
Again, I apologize for taking so long, but I've done my research and heeeere it comes - I'm gonna do both xD :
Mateo
It literally says in his Lore "The burning ember Mateo left behind must have melted the icy walls surrounding someone's heart."
So I'm gonna go with that, it sounds very symbolic and kinda nice for someone as ruthless and arrogant as him.
Mateo isn't coldhearted, but... he's harsh. Even finding someone to date him would be pretty challenging. I imagine him being quite picky with the company he keeps.
From what I've seen of him so far, the only thing he really wants to be, is a hero. The way to achieve this goal though, that, uhm... isn't important at all. He'll make sacrifices if needed, not if they are morally correct, so I think that's the same approach he'll have in a relationship.
Finding someone to date is hard enough with his character and story, but if he does, his affection is gonna be like an exponential curve. It starts of very slow, very low, just little sparks and turns into a flickering flame until it suddenly explodes and becomes a blazing tornado.
Mateo seems like the kind of guy to take his time with relationships and dating in general. He's slow, not wanting to pick the wrong person, but it takes one impactful event and he's head over heels.
He might become a bit... clingy after that.
In an affectionate way, but... it can be annoying from time to time.
It takes a lot for him to open up though since too many people tried to humiliate him in the past and of course he doesn't want that to happen again.
As mentioned before, it'll take time. But after the ice is melted, well, his significant other will have a friend for life and the force of fire and storms by their side.
He doesn't like physical affection though. I imagine him being more of a praise guy. If the significant other is talking to him, about him, with him, that's all he needs. He doesn't need long cuddles or movie nights or walks in the park. Talking to them is what he gets his energy from in the end and affection through words is what he seeks. In the end, he'll learn to return the favor.
Edit:
"You're safe with me" is said a lot. Does it work? Not really. Does he mean it? No, he knows quite well that his significant other won't be 'safe' with him at all. What he actually means is "Danger follows me everywhere, but I'm here to protect you at all cost".
Fancy is a word that might describe him, but that's a word to describe most of the characters in Dislyte. Fancy restaurants, fancy cars, fancy gifts for the loved one. But when it comes to the actual romance, he's... or he seems to be rather easy-going. Traditional. Stargazing, good food, talking... that's more his style.
Don't give him too much credit, the man will become even more arrogant than before and keep a personal record of the times he's been able to get a "You're so cool" out of his significant other.
Yun Chuan
Oh he's soft.
Dumb, but soft.
Well, not dumb dumb, more in an innocent way, he's just... uhm... slow. When it comes to dating.
I imagine him being quite determined and if he's set a goal for himself, he doesn't stray from his path, so dating is just the same.
Yun Chuan is sweet though and can be a real gentleman if he wants to, but on the other hand, if he finds a significant other, he expects them to train just as hard as he does.
That is more for their own protection than because he's demanding the same determination. He knows very well that he can't be around at all times, so he wants his love to be strong.
I think he's definitely more cuddly than Mateo, while also being more on the distant side. He won't cuddle when other people are around, but when they're alone in a room, yeah, then he's all in.
Depends on the phase of the relationship of course, because I imagine him being a bit shy at the beginning, not knowing what he can and can't tell the other person.
Much like Mateo, he is loyal to the end, but other than Mateo, betrayal doesn't affect him as much. He's kinda used to it and somehow even expects it, so while there isn't a constant thought in his back, telling him that they might betray him one day, he knows that it COULD happen. And all he wants to be is prepared.
Lots of talking about and playing with his little guard dog.
Aaalright, that's it, I hope ya like it ^^
Have a nice day and stay safe!
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How does your ASD affect your faith personally? (If at all)
I think, if anything, it's made me follow a life path I didn't think I would have followed without ASD, and it's caused me to trust in God in a way I wouldn't have, I think. I've had a lot of struggles brought on by autism (and it's comorbid disorders), as much as there's good things about it, but not living like how my peers do is tough.
I think it's trusting that God does, in fact, have a plan for my life even if it feels like my brain is trying to sabotage me. Always feeling like I'm failing at being a good Christian woman that is expected of me, feeling more like an grotesque alien in the ill-fitting human suit of a Christian woman when I'm around other Christians, for many reasons. A lot of "you don't get along with other Christians because you're weird and God doesn't like you, personally" feelings. I don't have the same desires and needs as a many people, and it made me feel as if there was something wrong with me, especially spiritually. I think there's a huge expectation of christian women (and secular, of course, but especially christian) to be perfect in every way, and it tends to follow a one size fits all way of life. I've failed multiple jobs via various mental issues, I feel more upset and needy than most people, I don't have useful/profitable/popular nor 'christian' interests, I don't have a degree, I didn't get accepted by my peers so I didn't make good connections with people that could have benefitted me, etc. And all of this can feel like a failure when you're trying to live the christian ideal of a woman, like getting married and having kids and a house and a nice ministry and a perfect relationship with God, all while being neurologically plateaued by the time you're 22, even though you're trying your best just to survive day to day in your relatively easy life.
It's a lot of 1. pushing past jealousy 2. pushing past self hatred and cursing God for not giving me a brain that works how I wish it would 3. accepting that if I move towards Him, and devote everything I have to praising him, then Ill be alright, even if it's not in a way that's approved by my peers (nor by me)
a lot changed for me faith wise when when I learned I could worship God in my own way, be it through studying science and spending time outdoors in wonder, or praising God for giving me joy when I draw or enjoying anything that reminds me of Him or His nature. God reveals himself in ways I might not see if I wasn't autistic, and I have to trust that's good and lovely
This got kinda ramble-y but I hope it made sense somewhat.
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tw: death mention, cancer mention, oversharing, long-winded self-reflection, far too many paragraphs
The strides I have made with my temper in the past year... real talk... I'm proud. It's been hard to manage myself and keep from popping off but I've been making a lot of progress removing myself from situations that get me heated, irl or online, and I'm happy about that. It doesn't remove my feelings or the damage I've caused with my anger in the past but I feel like I'm making real progress. Even though my depression and overall mental health varies, I feel like temper wise I'm in a lot better place than I was a year ago. I've been staying away from people irl that fed into my anger by being neglectful or abusive to me, and tried my best to work on my own actions at the same time.
I'm also proud of where I'm at with my blog comparatively. I've been working hard to focus on the good things and what makes me and others happy, rather than falling into a pit of negativity. I feel like I can still express myself from time to time, while also being better able to know what is appropriate to say and when. Idk if this is just especially ND of me but I feel as if I had the belief that as long as I felt whatever I was saying was the truth, it was appropriate, and that the negativity wouldn't get to me if I stayed by that metric always. But that isn't always the case, and i'm getting better at evaluating that. At realizing that, even with good intentions, getting wrapped up in all the issues of the world and all the negative discussions can be almost a form of self-harm.
Not many people know about this, but the trauma i experienced during the pandemic really affected me and changed me a lot. If you're a long time follower comparing how I was pre-2020 and after, it probably feels like I changed completely as a person, because I did. I don't speak about it a lot, especially now that it feels like the entire world has... moved on, but. Being a healthcare worker then felt like seeing your own slice of hell. Seeing that much death firsthand and being so afraid every single day, being confronted with your own mortality and that of your loved ones, it's extremely difficult. Especially since I lost a very close relative to a drawn out battle with cancer, who I was a caregiver to, as well. Between that and finally being medicated for the first time in my life, i became numb, and at the same time, I became angry. Angry at every little injustice that crossed my path. I wanted to fix something, anything- even in a silly little community for a silly little sims game. I thought, maybe, shining a light on things I saw that were wrong- scamming, doxxing, bigotry- might help. I broke myself apart trying to do that. And... for what, really? I accomplished nothing. And to this day still deal with people that boil me down to just... a hater, I guess. Too annoying for their personal tastes. As if that alone justifies some of the truly vile things that have been said and done to me, publicly and privately. That continue over a year after the fact. Even now it's difficult to think about sometimes.
I've made many mistakes here. Being an inexperienced and flat out incompetent server owner, to start. But with that, too, I've made progress. I'm so grateful for the mod team I have in Sutopia now. For the loving community that's risen from the ashes of what was once an overly negative space. For me getting a handle on my own love of petty gossip, a fatal flaw. For me learning how to ban instigating and toxic parties instead of naively giving them the benefit of the doubt. I still struggle- because as much as people might think I'm harsh, seeing as I try to put up that front as much as possible, I'm actually far too forgiving to the point of stupidity at times. I've been paralyzed by indecision in the past, not wanting to hurt anyone by mistake with the wrong call, and wound up hurting everyone involved with my inaction instead. But I know now that I have a more experienced team beside me that helps so much with these decisions and ensuring a safe place for everyone. And that's taken a weight off of me for sure.
Occasionally, still, the anger gets to me. I see someone that I know for a fact has scammed someone, or hurt someone, or flat out lied, or harassed me in anons or said something racist about me in private that they have no idea I know about- and they're just continuing on, getting love and adoration over their sims or cc or something, and it gets to me. I want to post, I want to blast everything on here and say, look! They're not what you think! Look what they did! Look who they really are! But then I breathe, and I think. Would it really help? Would it really do anything? Would I be opening myself up to be attacked and hurt for nothing? And I come to the humbling conclusion that it's not worth it. Not worth it for them to come back in a month with a new name and all their friends welcome them back like nothing happened and so simblr continues on as it always has. And I'm just a "hater" that's probably jealous of how many friends they have or how much money they make whatever other egotistical explanation they'd spout after everyone inevitably forgot what really happened. Occasionally, it makes me feel a little sick.
But, I breathe through it. I'm getting better at that. Sometimes I write something long out in the drafts- like I'm doing now- and delete it right away instead of posting it. It helps. Even though sometimes I feel guilty. I think about the anons I used to get, the people saying they were too scared to call out certain creators for certain actions because of how big they were and how much hate their followers would send, I think about the asks I still have in my inbox of screenshots and proof. About how sometimes people would thank me for saying things they couldn't bring themselves to. That I was the only person doing it. The only person who wasn't afraid. Even though I was only "unafraid" because I could barely feel anything at the time. And I don't even have that "advantage" anymore. But it weighs on me thinking that I should be trying to help them still. But how can I help anybody? I'm biased, too. I make mistakes. I've made so many mistakes. What gives me the right to say anything? Being put on that pedestal and having that responsibility on my shoulders- stupid as it was from the bigger perspective of life- hurt me, too. Because no one has the right takes every time, and having the wrong one on occasion doesn't automatically make you a terrible person. But it's extremely difficult for people on the internet to understand that. Sometimes I feel used when I remember those times. Chewed up and spat out, once the flavor wore off. And violated, not by the anons or anyone that disliked me, but by people I thought were friends. That's always the worst part to think about.
.....Until I decide it's time to leave, anyway. Then you're all going down.
It's better not to expose myself, or others, to that again. Is that growth? I don't know. I still struggle with so many emotions. The anger, and the guilt. Regret and sadness. But then, I've also felt so much joy from here, too. When I talk to people in the server, when I help people here with their cc projects/requests, when I read people's stories, when I talk to nice anons. I still love talking to anons so much, and want to have in-depth, rambling discussions with them again! I love to laugh with my mutuals and share our silly little sims together. And, god, sometimes I feel relief. Like, there's nothing for me to prove, no one for me to impress. I can do whatever I want and not worry, because well- so what if I get blocked? Or talked about? Like what else is new lol. I don't need to focus on the community. I just need to focus on me, my posts, my mutuals I already know are kind people. It's a freeing feeling. And it makes continuing to express myself here worth it. I want to concentrate on that. The positivity, the love. The creativity. The people here that warm my heart with their kindness. So I think, as we continue into December and into the New Year, and every year I'm here beyond that, that's what I'll do. Continue to grow, and share the love.
#ceci speaks#nonsims#text#negative#kinda?#ceci speaks a lot more#rambling at night bc depression#kinda positive at the same time tho!#simblr's boogeyman has a heart#yoonie steals christmas#gif warning#get ur screenshot tools out folks its that time again#📸#ceci needs to go back to therapy#yeah yeah im workin on it
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i saw a comic or something about this the other day but i can't find it now. it was about learning to do makeup and one of the things it goes over is trying to follow a tutorial only for the person following the tutorial to be frustrated when their final product didn't look as good as the final result in the tutorial, and it got me thinking about my own journey with learning makeup and how ive managed to mostly steer clear of that frustration.
learning how to do makeup well is definitely intimidating and a lot harder than it may initially seem (especially if you're like me, a trans woman who didn't approach it until she was 30). in the beginning, it feels kind of humiliating. pretty much no matter what, your first few times are going to end in you looking like you let a toddler do your makeup. that's okay, though. that's completely normal, and you should try to be comfortable with that going into it. and that's part of why i think when you're first learning makeup, you should avoid tutorials for anything outside of the very basics, and try to focus on finding out what you want out of doing makeup instead.
the reason people manage to make things look so good in tutorials is because they're showing you how to do something they've probably done a million times in a row. even if you're given the exact methodology, the same tools and materials, you're probably not going to get it right the first time (and if you do, you won't the second time). and that's really irritating! because you follow everything they do to the best of your ability, and when you compare your results to theirs, it just doesn't match up even though it feels like it should. but i think that end result comparison is what generates a lot of frustration.
i very specifically used the phrasing "looking like you let a toddler do your makeup" earlier because, well, what is a toddler but a very young, inexperienced person? of course it's going to look like that when you're starting out. being an adult may allow you to understand things easier than a child would, but your ability to execute is always going to be hampered by lack of experience, and the only way to get your hands to do it right is by going through the motions enough times until you feel confident—the amount of times being something that will vary from person to person.
the other reason i think avoiding tutorials in the beginning is important is personal angle. what you want out of doing makeup and what someone giving tutorials might have wanted aren't always going to align. i feel like a good majority of people approach makeup like they have to be good at it (as nebulous as that concept is), and while that's a perfectly valid way to go about it if it works for you, i think that can end up making the whole thing feel way more rigid than it actually is.
something that's really common with tutorials for any kind of art form (and that irritates me to no end) is how much people will focus on "DON'T DO THIS THING BECAUSE ITS WRONG," and the reason it annoys me is because, on more than one occasion, The Wrong Thing i've been told to avoid is instilled in my brain as The Law ends up working really well for me actually. this is something i have experienced a LOT as a musician.
so when i started learning makeup, i approached it like i would any other art form—an open landscape of self-expression i can cultivate through uninhibited exploration. instead of following the dots on someone else's map, i charted my own path.
to put it in a less pretentious way: i saw an excuse to figure out how to do cool shit by drawing on my face. specifically, i got really into eye makeup because i could get really colorful and creative with it. if my username doesn't make it obvious enough, i love bright, saturated colors of all kinds, and drawing them on my eyes is a really great way to express that in a way that's inherently unique to me. eventually i learned how to do other stuff, too, but this method of exploring on my own allowed me to pick and choose the things i like to do the most, which made the experience a lot more fun and rewarding.
once i started focusing on that, i felt more comfortable with messing it up. mistakes looked less like fuck ups and more like opportunities to figure out how to make something weird Work. it got easier to justify putting on makeup regardless of whether or not im leaving the house that day (and most of the time i don't end up leaving when i do it lol), and easier to keep it on even when it didn't pan out the way i imagined it. i just approached it like i was drawing a daily picture. and i certainly ended up looking ridiculous on quite a few occasions—ill never forget asking one of my roommates how i look the first time i ever did makeup and her pausing for several seconds before saying "...it's a start."—but because i was doing it for the fun of it, that didn't bother me.
i was lucky enough to have my older sister show me how to do basic things a couple times in the beginning—stuff like what are the basic materials/tools you need, and what's the most efficient order to apply things—but something she always emphasized was that there's no wrong way to do it, and that i should always experiment if i feel inclined. because everyone has different tools, everyone has different materials, and even though a lot of the tools/materials her and i use are the same, there's two fundamental differences: we both have a different canvas, and we both have different ideas of what we want. and so does everyone else.
you might not learn as efficiently as someone else—it might take you months to figure out something that took someone else only a few days to nail—but efficiency shouldn't be your goal. besides, that's going to happen regardless of how you learn it. do it because you want to. or don't do it at all! do what you want lol.
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