#half the songs on my playlist are about being attracted to women

[3wisellamas]

Giant Sweet Cap’n Cakes Headcanon Masterpost!

(Fun fact, I thought most of these up while on one REALLY long hike.  ^^;  You can tell I fell for these three pretty hard.)

Music:

-I like the idea that, while the three all share a love of hip hop, glitch hop, electronic music in general, and a little lo-fi for chill times, they all have different tastes outside of those.  (Meaning if you pass them the aux cord, they WILL argue!)

-Sweet's actually the biggest audiophile of the group, with by far the most eclectic tastes; he will literally put together playlists that go from dubstep to heavy metal to classical to rap to vaporwave to even country.  The others don't really get it, but they're cool with whatever he puts on, and learn a lot of new music from him!

-He also owns an electric guitar, which he just plugs into himself to use as an amp and plays early in the morning to wake the others up if needed (he's the early riser and the other two are night owls...)

-Cap'n's definitely got a more narrow focus than the other two; he likes rap and also R&B, jazz, and even a little swing/electro swing.  He's also been caught more than once listening to cheesy romantic pop songs, claiming he's just into them for their potential madamoizel-attracting uses but really he's just a sappy romantic.

-He can also rap, very well in fact, and gets Sweet to beatbox while he freestyles. 

-Heck, he's just got a good singing voice in general, helped by having a built-in autotune, and dominates at karaoke!

-K_K also has a really broad range, but stays more towards the electronic end of the spectrum -- melodic dubstep, synthpop, disco, trance, chiptune, DnB, even occasionally puts on straight-up ambient spa music to chill out to (the only genre the other two will NOT tolerate.)

-K_K has also, in the past, set up entire mini-raves just by themselves, complete with glowsticks and everything, while Cap'n and Sweet were out doing whatever.  They were...not pleased, when they got back, mostly because they weren't invited.  All three got to have one together eventually though.  

-Physical media is king in their shop; if it's not on a CD, cassette tape, or a vinyl record (or an 8-track, though they have to dig out their old player for it), they will refuse to play it, and might even ask you to leave.  "MP3" is an extremely dirty word to them.

-(In fact, they don't get along too well with the MP3 player-headed robots elsewhere in the city.)

-They are indeed always listening to music on physical media as well -- K_K and Cap'n are their own CD players (though Cap'n's one of those models that's also got a built-in FM radio), while Sweet has a straight-up Walkman.    

-(He's also the group's cassette champion, claiming his media of choice is superior to CDs because you can record music on BOTH sides of the tape!  The other two just don't have the heart to point out that each side only holds half as much music as a CD, and you don't even have to rewind those...)

-Jury's still out on Hit Clips.  Cap'n and Sweet think they're just toys, but K_K genuinely collects and appreciates them and treats them like actual music (it helps that they are only around four seconds long!)

-Believe it or not, the headphones are only decoration, all three actually just...listen to their music entirely within their own heads, though they can also switch to playing it externally on their speakers as well.  Perks of being robots!  Though, sometimes K_K has his internal volume up too high, and misses things that other people say because of it.

-Sweet also has an input port, and connects himself to his turntable to act as the speakers!  The other two are WAY too embarrassed to ask if they can use it as well.

-Sweet can play almost any instrument you throw at him, as long as it's not a woodwind (Surprisingly, he can do brass, since those work on vibration rather than air!).  He prefers his guitar or violin when he isn't spinning records on his turntable.  Where the other two just enjoy music, he's the actual trained musician.

Voice headcanons:

-Sweet:  Kind of deep, bass-y, lots of reverb, a slight tinny audio distortion to it like a low-quality recording that becomes much more pronounced when he gets upset or starts shouting.  And since he's a speaker, you can literally feel the vibrations he makes when he's speaking!

-Cap'n:  Scout from TF2.  I am sorry, but I absolutely cannot get that out of my head for him.  XD  However, he's actually putting that voice on as an "accent" of sorts, his real voice is actually super autotune-y like K_K's, and it comes out whenever he gets flustered, his pitch only getting higher and higher as it gets worse...

-K_K:  Pure autotune, he can just do whatever the hell he wants with his voice -- pitch, tone, whatever, and while he tends to keep it a little higher he can and does change it to fit his mood!  He often has a completely different voice every day, but the others are used to it.  He also just straight-up vocalizes sound effects (like, the kind that make you go "How did you just make that sound with your mouth?!") and can mimic other people perfectly (though the slight mechanical distortion does give it away).  There are absolutely no rules when it comes to K_K's voice.

-They harmonize perfectly whenever they sing together! 

Sweet:

-I like to think Sweet's actually the brains of the group; like, not SMART, he just holds their one collective braincell most often.  He does any technical work when they're building stuff, like soldering circuits or the occasional programming, and even handles a lot of the actual business operations and pays the bills.  The other two also like to follow his lead when it comes to rebellion plans, even if he’s not the official leader.

-That said, though?  It's balanced out by him being rather hotheaded and having the shortest temper by a lot.  There are REASONS why he's not usually out selling bagels with the others -- he's unfortunately prone to some more "extreme" sales tactics, like hurling half their stock at random passersby until they finally agree to buy some.  On the plus side, he's always the first to step up to defend the gang from anything that dares to harm them, and is always on guard.

-He can also hold a heck of a grudge -- don't ever get on his bad side!  Cap'n and K_K are mostly immune to this though, if he gets upset with them he works through it by the end of the day.  It helps that they can all hug it out.

-He's a bit of a perfectionist, often working overtime to try and get everything they build exactly right.  He can get really frustrated when things don't work out the way he plans, or when he can't make sense of a problem, or when Cap'n and K_K are goofing off instead of doing their part, and needs to go blast some loud music and blow off steam.

-He does have a really tough time keeping his balance, since his head is a bit heavier than the rest of his body, but he takes tripping over his own feet constantly in stride.  The biggest problem he has is with dancing -- while he'll join in with the others on occasion, he can't match their more acrobatic moves and sticks more to actually PLAYING the music they're dancing to.

-He's also really, really unlucky, just in general.  He actually considers the other two his good luck charms, since they help him out whenever he trips or gets into a bad spot!

-He's the fashionista of the group, surprisingly.  It's difficult for him to find clothes that fit his body, so he tends to get a little creative with it and has a whole closet full of different stuff!  And since Cap'n is roughly the same size they'll occasionally swap jackets.

Cap’n:

-Cap'n actually has managed to score a handful of dates with girls in the past!  However, NONE of them went well, and only one actually made it to the second date (only to break up right in the middle of it), so he always ends up returning home heartbroken and in tears.  Sweet and K_K, by this point just ready for it whenever they hear that he's going out that night, always dry him off before he shorts himself out, take him to bed and cuddle with him (platonically, I don't see them as brothers but I also don't see them as having that conversation until Cap'n's ready, which he clearly is NOT), remind him that it doesn't hurt forever and he isn't unlovable and that he'll find someone eventually, etc.

-They have sat him down multiple times to try and gently suggest to Cap'n that he might just not be into women?  And that he’s actually turning them off by trying so hard?  To which he's always just like "No, of course not.  I'm straight.  Love the ladies.  Totally.  Oh no they didn't catch me checkin' out that one dude earlier did they?  Is that what this is about?!"

-(Basically, Cap'n is just a hopeless romantic in love with the idea of being in love, but is absolutely clueless as to how it works or what he actually wants, and his best buds are always there to catch him when he falls.  ;v; )

-The glasses are prescription -- he's SUPER nearsighted, a hardware glitch he refuses to fix.  Sometimes when he's working on something close up he'll take them off, panicking when he can't find them afterwards, only to have the others point out that they're just on his head.  He’s also got non-tinted glasses, but you will not catch him DEAD wearing those unless it’s an absolute emergency.

-This dude is SUPREMELY insecure with himself.  Like, his rather questionable fixation on romance aside, he basically runs off of others' validation, the "cool" persona he's spent much of his life building up being how he hides the fact that he isn't really sure who he is, or what he wants to do with his life, or what he's even good for -- the others have learned to check on him now and then whenever he hides away in the back of the shop, since he can slip into some pretty dark places when left alone to sulk.  It took a long time for him to open up even to them to share his feelings, and sometimes still has doubts about whether they or anyone else really care about him as more than just The Smooth One...

-He's the only one of the three to actually enjoy the occasional silence, especially when he's trying to think, or whenever he's upset.  So, his headphones also serve a dual purpose -- they're noise-cancelling!

-He's the video guy, carrying around a small camcorder and constantly trying to record the group's activities, to put together into music videos!  He also just likes to record himself doing stupid stunts for posterity, though K_K just takes these and makes (affectionate) blooper reels.

-Cap'n is not his real name, similar to K_K.  However, unlike K_K, he refuses to say what it is, just that it's embarrassing.

K_K:

-K_K has a bad habit of just completely zoning out when he gets into his music, getting completely lost in the groove and needing to be pulled back to reality.  It's not a bad thing during jam sessions, but at work, or in the middle of a battle...not so much.

-He kind of needs to have some kind of music going at all times -- silence drives him absolutely CRAZY!  Though, because he gets distracted by his own music, he then misses out on entire conversations, only tuning back in towards the end.  Sometimes the other two have to repeat or summarize what they just said for him.

-He knows sign language, and taught the others to use it.  They're able to communicate reasonably well no matter how loud their shop gets, or on days when K_K isn't able to form words properly (he's just shy, and even when he isn't he gets tongue-tied a LOT).

-He's easily the best dancer of the three, and uses his extendable body to get really creative with his moves!  He even knows a little ballroom, somehow, which he'll pull out sometimes to make the others laugh.

-(Seriously, K_K CANNOT stand to see Sweet or Cap'n not smiling.  He'll do anything to keep the group's spirits up, usually cracking jokes during a scrap project or doing little favors, and they appreciate all his efforts!)

-K_K has the WORST sleep cycle, ever.  If you let him, he will stay up all night working or partying, finally going to bed at 6AM, and will then sleep until 6PM if the others don't wake him up at some point.  If they know he was up really late they'll let him sleep in a little, but he's often pretty sleep-deprived and running solely on sugar and caffeine, which doesn't help his natural loopiness.  

-He is a VERY physical guy.  Seriously, he will just scoop up and hold Sweet or Cap'n like a cat every five minutes; at first they were just like "Oh.  Okay.  We're hugging now I guess," but after a while they got more used to it and even anticipate when K_K is going to do it.  And he also initiates tons of snuggles and gives piggyback rides whenever one of his bandmates (usually Sweet) requests.  

-K_K actually scrapbooks, collecting pictures and little mementos of places he and the others have gone and things they've done.  After the library fountain is sealed, he pulls them out to show everyone else from Cyber City and reminisce about home.

-It's very hard to make K_K angry, since he tends to stay super chill and brushes off almost everything.  But, on those very, very rare occasions when something does get under his metal outer casing, he'll go full-on silent treatment, not speaking to anyone for up to a week as he sulks and stomps around the junk shop, and even refuses to play any music!  And no amount of sweets or hugs or cheering up will bring him out of it, either; the other two have learned to just wait him out and let him have his space, letting him come to them when he's finally ready to talk about it.

Misc:

-Though all three love everything sweet, K_K's the only one who really goes overboard with it, making whole meals out of candy.  Sweet, ironically enough, actually prefers more salty/savory snacks, while the less is said about Cap'n's hot sauce addiction, the better.

-Okay, actually, I will say more about it.  Cap'n loves spicy food in general, and literally drinks tabasco sauce right from the bottle.  However, he's got a bad habit of daring himself to eat hotter and hotter stuff, ESPECIALLY if someone is watching, and can easily get in WAY over his head before begging for milk.

-They also all totally drink battery acid like Queen.

-Heck, being both Darkners and robots, they can really eat literally anything.  Normal food, milk, oil, batteries, gallons of pure sugar, toothpaste, moss, glitter (NEVER let K_K get hold of any though, he gets lost in the sauce), broken glass, etc, and of course their own deep-fried CDs.  Only thing they can't do is water, since, you know, robots.

-With a lot of the aesthetics of Cyber City being close to turn-of-the millennium and early 2000s (CDs and boomboxes, popup ads, wired mice, Queen theorized to be one of those see-through iMacs, EVERYTHING about Spamton), I like the idea that the boys DO NOT have smartphones, and if you handed them one they'd have no clue how to use it or what to do with it.  But they do have cell phones:  Sweet's got an old flip phone covered in stickers (courtesy of K_K), Cap'n splurged for one of those that slide open and with a camera (he set his background to a tiny, grainy photo of the three of them!), and K_K has one of those indestructible Nokia bricks, that Sweet got him after he kept breaking all his other ones.  They can all text, but that's about as high-tech as they get.

-Same with tablets or newer computers in general, they might share one tiny netbook at most.  Cap’n never remembers to log out of his Dark World dating profile, so the others will snoop or post embarrassing things to it.

-They're really, really durable, even without milk -- they're made of 90s plastic and electronics, so it takes a LOT to take one of them down!  Plus, they regularly repair each other back at the shop (it took a LONG time for them to gain enough trust to physically open and work on each other), so as long as at least one's left to drag the other two to safety they'll be just fine.

-However, if they get splashed with water, caught in the rain, or worse, drowned, they will short out, or shut down on the spot to prevent damage.  Once they completely dry out, though, they'll start right back up, no worse for wear.  When only one of them gets waterlogged the other two will break out the hair dryers to dry them out faster, or even pop them into the oven in a pan of rice like an iPod that got dropped in the toilet...

Finally, backstory?

-Cap'n and K_K met first -- maybe both as new recruits to another, much less savory gang of music equipment robots, and bonded as a result of being put upon by the more established members (Cap'n probably even had to defend K_K more than once when his inattentiveness got him into trouble!)  But, they both had enough one day, and decided to break off and form their own thing, making music and selling CD bagels to support themselves.

-Sweet, meanwhile, has the complete opposite background, coming from a rich and important family of musicians in Cyber City who regularly entertained Queen in her mansion (hence why he always used to get sweets from her!)  But, he was kind of the black sheep, preferring his own style of music, and decided to strike out on his own as a street musician instead.

-They met when Cap'n and K_K accidentally set up to sell bagels on Sweet's usual corner, and he battled them to reclaim his turf.  But, they were evenly-matched (even two-to-one; Sweet's definitely the strongest of the trio!), and impressed each other with both their fighting and musical skills, so Sweet decided to join their tiny group, and thus Sweet Cap'n Cakes was formed.  

-After the whole situation with Queen is resolved, SCC turns their rebellion into an anti-DRM kind of thing?  Nobody can hold back the music, man!

#deltarune #sweet cap'n cakes #deltarune sweet #deltarune cap'n #deltarune k_k #sweet #cap'n #k_k #emheadcanons

[kentos-filmcamera]

10 times, 1 occasion - Inumaki Toge

7. Festivities

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A/N: hi hi! soo a few things: I would like to warn that this chapter shows a more feminine side of the reader so if anyone is uncomfy,, you've been warned. this chapter is just friendship and ships (there's nobara x maki and yuuji x megumi if you squint a bit) and it's 3.0k words (new record!!!!!) so buckle up and enjoy! also, next chapter is my favorite so far so go read it as soon as you're done with this.

Toge persisted you to rest for the past three days, as you were indicated. He sat by your bedside so you wouldn’t go anywhere, always keeping your injured ankle raised and your head comfortable, helping you to change bandages from time to time. Even then, you persisted to go as normal and continue with your duties.

“So hot…” Maki complained from your green couch, her glasses set aside as she covered her eyes from the sun with her forearm.

“I think you should stop hugging Kugisaki, then” Megumi suggested, the redhead laying on top of her, but he just received a death glare.

“Shake” Toge agreed with Maki, laying on top of Panda, who was snoring loudly. You, on the other hand, were on top of Yuuji’s shoulders, working on your damaged air conditioner.

“Gimme the flat screwdriver, ‘Gumi” You extended your hand, the other one holding one of the filters of the AC.

Your air conditioning system broke down once a year, and you knew it was because of the dirty filters. For some reason, everyone decided to hang out in your room, so extra help was usually given out to you. Maki and Nobara cleaned the filters, Panda and Toge first assisted you and then the help shifted to Megumi and Itadori. The last one was more than glad to have a pair of thighs wrapped around his neck, and his smile displayed so as Inumaki and Megumi both stared him down to oblivion. With the screwdriver now in your hand, you pressed each filter well to its original place. You closed the lid and Yuuji plopped you down on your bed, making you laugh.

You reached in to click on the air conditioner, it turned on normally and after a few minutes, it wasn’t leaking water anymore. “It’s fixed” You heard a collective sigh you let out yourself, feeling the cold air fill the room.

Itadori laid down on the floor by your mini-fridge and Megumi sat at the edge of your bed, next to your feet. You were all so overwhelmed by the heat, no one really wanted to speak, just take in the fake rise in temperature to calm down their sweating and corporal heat.

Just as you were falling into pure, calm bliss, you heard bass thumping from down the hall. You opened your eyes and raised your head towards the door, at the same time everyone else did, confused. Queue in Gojo with a boombox from the 90s, playing ‘Congratulations’ by Post Malone. There was now a collective groan in annoyance as he walked in and faced the bunch of sweaty teens.

“Good afternoon my amazing students!” There was another collective groan in response. No one didn’t even bother raising their heads once more to look at him, and Megumi just turned his face away slightly. Everyone was grumpy or simply not in the mood “I am here to give out great news! Everyone who has tried for first-grade sorcerer has been officially promoted! Congratulations!”

Suddenly, the aura of the room shifted. Everyone was upright, in a mix of shock and happiness. Nobara started screaming out in happiness with Maki, while you, Megumi, Gojo, and Itadori started jumping on your bed in a circle, holding hands. Inumaki was hugging Panda.

“Let’s throw a party! A fancy one!” Itadori suggested, and everyone cheered. Gojo seemed very fond of the idea, as he laughed.

“Dress code is suit and tie, I’ll see you all in the common dining room at 8! Now if you excuse me, I have a party to plan!” Gojo jumped out of the bed, picked up his speaker, and sprinted out of the room. You came down from your bed and threw yourself into Toge’s arms, who pulled you closer in by your waist. You laughed and nuzzled into his neck happily; he was smiling proudly.

“Oh my god! We need to go shopping!” Nobara realized, grabbing Maki’s wrist and snatching you away from Inumaki to head out the door.

“Wait, I need my wallet!” You screamed, but Toge ran after you to give you the tote bag you carried for trips outside the school. You blew him a kiss as he waved you goodbye.

“I’m dressed so inappropriately to go out” Maki groaned as Nobara rushed you on.

“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your hand so no one flirts with you” Nobara beamed at her and then wink, making Maki fluster. You laughed and elbowed her in the ribs, wiggling your eyebrows.

“I can’t believe I'm going to have to third wheel today!” You laughed, watching as both women turned crimson.

Nobara insisted on shopping in the Harajuku district and looking at her eyes gleaming while passing different stores was like watching a kid in a candy store. Surprisingly, she was the pickiest one out of the three. Maki found her outfit first, a black blazer and pants combo with a black mesh button-up that had Nobara drooling. You found a black silk slip dress that reached down your calf, a slit on one of the legs with a loose neckline that reached down your collarbones. Nobara found a black dress that reached a bit down to her knees, it was strapless with a see-through long sleeve with roses. She laughed at the irony of it, considering the poison she was infected with last week manifested in roses on her skin. After that, you went to grab a bite, the three of you talking about everything, anything and nothing at the same time. You noticed the flirtatious remarks between your companions, happy that both had decided to move their attraction to flirting, rather than just staring at each other all the time. You returned to Jujutsu High around 3 PM, more exhausted than ever, you threw your bag to a corner, kicked off your sneakers, and threw yourself on the bed face down, falling asleep in that same starfish position.

“Aw, she’s asleep” You heard a voice comment. You thought it was only a dream and continued on napping. “Let’s just let her rest”

“Are you crazy? They promised to do our makeup! That’s three people already!” Another hushed voice chimed in.

“Tuna mayo” A third voice hummed. You were already back fast asleep as someone tried to shake you awake gently, only to fail miserably.

Toge sighed and squatted down, his face to level yours. Even with your mouth ajar, your duvet darkening from your saliva, and your slightly loud breathing, he loved how you looked so serene that what he was about to do next he found very cruel.

Delicately, he moved your hair away from your ear, swooping it to the other side of your face. Right there, he was taken away by your sleeping beauty; purples, oranges, and blues chiming into light your face as the sun went down. He sighed, half-smiling “Wake up”

He watched as your eyes popped open and you sat up, rigid. “What day is it?” You wondered, scratching your head and yawning, disoriented after the sudden surge of energy running through your body. Toge sat down by your side and placed his hand on your bare waist. You noticed lately he was even more touchy than usual.

“What day is it?” Nobara mocked you, a vein in her forehead palpitating. “You need to do our makeup! Hurry! You haven’t even showered!” She snatched you away from Toge and pushed you inside your bathroom. You heard a light ‘Tsk!’ outside from Inumaki, who has proven time to time really appreciate you being snatched away from him. “And you! Get out!” Kugisaki ushered him out of the room, slamming the door in his face.

“A little harsh, huh?” Maki said, turning to Nobara, who just rolled her eyes.

“I don’t care” She shrugged before taking out her hair straightener and a heat protector. You chuckled from inside the bathroom before taking your phone out of your pocket and connecting it to the Bluetooth speaker on the wall next to the bathroom mirror. You shuffled the playlist Toge made you a while ago and turned on the faucet.

“I hope you’re not going on a world tour right now! We don’t have time to listen to you all the way to your fiftieth stop in London!” You heard Nobara knock and shout at you from the other side of the door.

You rolled your eyes “Maki, keep your girl in check!” You shouted back before stripping and stepping into the shower. You were in the middle of your third song, washing the suds away from your body and giving your rendition of “Cognac Queen” by Megan Thee Stallion when Nobara opened the door and dragged you out of the shower. It became a struggle, and you were only able to grab the pink fluffy robe that hung on your door.

You fixed Maki’s hair by pulling it half up with a small claw clip, leaving her bangs out. Then you applied the lightest layer of makeup, with the dark eyeliner she requested. Nobara, on the other hand, asked for a full face with a red lip. On the other hand, you went for a light look, with a striking eye and a glossy lip. Then, the three of you rushed to get changed as you realized it was almost ten minutes before 8. As you exited the dorm, you wrapped a white ballerina-style cardigan, taking one last look at yourself at the entrance mirror before Nobara dragged you out of there. The three of you walked to the common room carefully, the door opened slightly.

You heard a couple whistles as you entered the room, you humored the boys, Nobara looked slightly mad while Maki ignored them. You realized that for the occasion Toge wasn’t wearing anything that covered his mouth, and made it evident it was a bit ajar watching you arrive. You said hello to the staff, greeting Nanami happily, who seemed pleased with your recovery and being slightly confused at why Utahime was there. You then headed over to greet your classmates, ending up with Toge.

“You look very handsome” You chuckled, and reached in to fix the strands of hair that fell on his forehead. He was wearing a sage green shirt, black trousers, and thin black suspenders. He shrugged a little and blushed as you touched him, leaning slightly into your touch.

“Shake” He nodded, and held your hand briefly, accepting the compliment. You blushed and looked down before taking your hand away from his face, afraid you were overstepping.

The party was light, everyone chatted and conversed lightly. Itadori seemed very busy on his phone, while Megumi spent all his energy trying to grab his attention. Yuuji called out for you, making you pull away from your conversation with Toge and Panda, who looked dashing in a yellow bow tie. He also called out for Panda. “I need your help,” He said nervously “I saw a speaker with lights in your room, can you go bring it here? Also, please wait at the entrance for someone. Panda, I need you as a distraction”

You excused yourself and left swiftly, fitting your cardigan once more. You walked the way up to your room, taking the squared-shaped, medium-sized speaker with half spheres on top, grabbing the aux cord just in case. Holding the speaker by its handle, you followed the trail to the entrance quietly.

“What is this?” You frowned upon seeing the students of the Kyoto sister school facing you. You raised your brows and Mai and Momo narrowed their eyes back to you, but the rest didn’t. Your eyes fell into the liquor store bags Todo held in his hands, then it all made sense. A smirk crept onto your face as Todo watched your change of expression and laughed. A party with the Kyoto students didn’t seem half as bad, and hey, maybe the stone-cold Soju can solve things out between everyone there.

Soon, you heard a couple of explosions and fireworks and some commotion coming from the common room. “Let’s go” You picked up the skirt of your dress a little to run a little easier, the rest following after you. You noticed everyone outside watching an impromptu firework show as you sneaked in the Kyoto students to the now dark room. Slowly, the rest of the Tokyo students sneaked back to the common room, Itadori locking the door in.

“Okay Panda, that was fun, but can we— huh?!” Gojo realized the locked doors and drawn windows. He tried to force the door open but it was closed shut.

“Oh finally. Can we go to a bar now?” Shoko sighed “Let them be Satoru, they’re in the blink of death every day, let them party”

“Can we all pretend they didn’t do that and we were here all the time chaperoning?” Gojo gave in easily, changing his usual blindfold to black, round sunglasses. Everyone made a noise in agreement and the staff left, feeling the bass pumping under their feet, the surges of different colored lights leaking out of the shut windows.

At first, the party was tense. Everyone was just staring at the other from across the room. You were busy in the background trying to plug in your phone and sync it to the speaker’s Bluetooth. Then, Todo gave a lengthy speech about sorority and brotherhood, and how you should all solve your differences so you could… get drunk and nasty together. In fact, it didn’t take long for the party to lighten up and turn into a club scene. By the third round of shots, mostly everyone was hot and bothered, all the tables moved aside to create a makeshift dance floor. Surprisingly, Panda was an incredible bartender, and he was out to kill; his drinks were packed with alcohol, but fruity and candied flavors hid it all and made it even more addicting. By your third drink, you ripped open the seam of the dress, creating another slit for you to move better.

You, Nobara, and the Zen’in twins were incredible dancers, but you didn’t really expect it from Itadori. He had all the spice down in his hips and the way he could shake his ass like his name was Cardi B. He joined in after his third shot with the song ‘Up’

“Broke boys don’t deserve no pussy!” Todo shouted to the song for the rest to respond.

“I know that’s right!” Everyone answered, except for Toge, before you continued dancing. Now more than ever you felt the euphoria of having money. First-grade sorcerers gave you a considerable amount of money, even if you were just a student.

“Yuuji!” Your mouth dropped to the floor, looking at him, before cheering him on along with the others. By the makeshift bar, a flustered Megumi joined by a sober Inumaki watched him dance, not knowing what he should do in that situation.

Then, as if you were reading his mind, you showed him what he should be doing; standing behind him and grabbing his hips. Soon as Nobara did the same with you, followed by Maki, followed by Mai, followed by Todo, making a train. On the other corner, there was some smoke coming up. You never thought you could have this much fun with people.

Another song started playing “It’s my homegirl, we got the same tattoos!” Itadori pulled you close to him while Todo recorded, and you laughed.

“Don’t accuse me of shit if you ain’t got proof!” You sang along, pointing to the camera, following along.

“What if we got matching tattoos?” Itadori turned to you, and you both frowned to think it hard.

“I think that’s enough” Megumi pulled your drink away from your hand.

“‘Gumi, relax. Go take a shot or a hit from Kamo in the corner, it’s a party! C’mon!” You pulled him to the dance floor, both him and Yuuji as you both threw it back on him to the song. This time, Megumi caught clues from earlier and shyly placed his hands on Itadori’s hips. You stopped and nodded, patting him on the back and walking away, a bit clumsily.

“Do we have any more water left?” You asked Panda, feeling your throat and eyes dry from the intoxicating substances. Panda nodded happily and gave you some water. You had reached your limit and decided it was time to sweat off the drinks and hydrate yourself.

“Oh my bad, that’s vodka,” He said as your mouth went into a thin line as you recognized the strong taste and scent. Inumaki snickered “Here”

“Tell me it’s not vinegar this time” You joked, taking a loud sniff of the liquid, and it was in fact, water. You took a large gulp, as you heard thunder followed by the soft pitter-patter of the rain. “Oh, it’s raining” You turned to Inumaki, who looked stunned at your drunken beauty. Your eyeliner was smudged, and so was your lipstick. There was some hair sticking to the nape of your neck due to the sweat. He could swear he saw some drops running down the small of your back. He gulped and looked away.

“You’ve been here all night, love; c’mon, let’s dance” You set your cup down and took Toge’s hand, pulling him out of his seat. The only reason this party was going along all well was that alcohol made you more straightforward, which made you all sultry towards your evident crush.

You noticed he was paler than usual “What’s wrong? Do I make you nervous?” You whispered in his ear, your hand slowly climbing from his hand all the way up to his neck, where you caressed the area. You never could have known alcohol made you that bold, and such a, well, maneater. At his lack of an answer, you just chuckled and took his hand, guiding him elsewhere.

Everyone at the dance floor greeted him more than enthusiastically, and suddenly, every insecurity Toge was holding deep inside of him throughout the whole party had disappeared. He blinked several times as you smiled at him as radiant as ever. “Let’s dance!” He nodded and smiled back. I love you.

#jujutsu kaisen #jjk inumaki #inumaki toge #toge inumaki #inumaki x reader #jjk fluff #10times1occ

[fugitive-96]

Uptown Girl (A TG/TF story)

"Yes, we'll go over those tomorrow morning. I've got a meeting with the board of directors at 17:00 so I won't be able to get to those yet, just give them to me when I get to my office tomorrow, oh I've got 13 messages too? Great well I'll check those after my meeting, okay thanks Claire." Hanging up his phone David Prammer leaned his head against the headrest and sighed in the back of his limousine.

He was a very wealthy man, head of a cosmetics company that his family had been running for nearly a century now, but the workload was a lot for him. He was never greedy or ungrateful for his fortune, but at the same time he wouldn't have described it as his 'ideal life'. He'd always been surrounded by wealth and now had a job that he'd inherited rather than actively chosen to do.

Honestly if he could drop his job tomorrow he would, but unfortunately things weren't that simple, although David wished things could be more simple.

Pulling out some earphones he plugged them into his phone and surfed through his playlists before coming across one song he didn't recognize.

"Uptown Girl?" He said curiously.

He was hardly a music aficionado as it was, but he'd never heard of this song before, let alone put it on his phone.

"Hey Frank, you ever heard of a song called Uptown Girl?" He called to his driver.

"Can't say that I have mister Prammer." He replied.

David leaned back in his seat puzzled for a moment. Maybe it was one of those songs that came free with the phone he thought, and maybe he'd just never noticed it. Then again he'd had the phone for over 3 years, and every day he'd listen to music on his way to a meeting.

He shrugged and figured why not mix things up a bit, so he leaned back in his seat and hit the play button.

"Uptown girl, she's been living in her uptown world, I bet she never had a backstreet guy, I bet her momma never told her why.."

David quickly found himself getting into the song, nodding his head slightly and moving his shoulders to it before closing his eyes and relaxing in his seat.

As he was getting into the music the limousine drove into a tunnel, the lights inside of it rushing through the limousine's interior highlighting David for barely a second as each one passed in time with the beat of the music.

As he sat there with his head back the song filled his head making him feel lighter, more comfortable as he lay his back drifting into a state of complete relaxation as an invisible force flooded his body.

His face which had tired looking eyes and slightly saggy skin became more taut, giving him a face that no longer resembled anyone, his features had becoming a blank canvas waiting to be given an identity. His neck too looked slimmer than before.

Still oblivious to the changes his shoes began to loosen on his feet, before his suit legs also began to move slightly as they looked baggier around his lower legs, whilst they tightened around his upper legs along with his belt creaking as it was stretched to the sides. His ankles also became more visible as his legs lengthened.

His suit jacket seemed to drop abruptly at the shoulders, as well as his sleeves also looking baggier. The sounds of cotton sliding around were interrupted by a sudden crunching and churning coming from his torso, with his shirt being pulled in where there was once a visible gut and the suit jacket pulled further inwards at the waist.

He then became slightly elevated in his seat when a slushing sound came from his rear, before his body pushed his chest out as his spine cracked, before relaxing now with two visible mounds sticking out through his shirt. As that occurred his lower half jiggled slightly along with a quite and abrupt slurp sound as his suit lay flatter against his crotch. This caused David to let out a moan through his closed lips, but upon hearing it sounding more like a woman it was enough to temporarily snap him out of the haze he was in.

He sat up lifting his hand that had been resting against the car door after feeling what he thought was pins and needles, only to be shocked when he saw his palm and fingers twitch and crack as they slenderized whilst his nails grew out into a more manicured form leaving him with feminine hands. The changes he saw carried along the rest of his arm when his sleeve fell down to his elbow revealing the continuation of the changes. This was too much for David causing him to pass out in his seat with his body still sitting upright whilst his head hung downwards, before out of nowhere a black fedora materialized onto his head with a rim wide enough to conceal his face.

This was quickly followed by the same crunching and churning sound from earlier now coming from his head and face, an audible snap from his jaw along with his lips slapping together.

His shoes then began to pulsate, sucking inwards against his feet before effortlessly tearing open, the torn leather folding out like a blossoming flower as it reached under the back of his feet pulling together into glossy black heels, whilst the toes of his shoes pulled forward and pointed out into the same glossy black completing the set of heels that revealed David's shrunken feet.

His baggy suit legs then began to quiver as they morphed together, slowly pulling their way up his body revealing supple calves and smooth hairless skin covered by tights before stopping just below his thighs, his widened hips and thighs stretching the upper part of what was now the skirt section of his suit until it burst out into a flowing lower half of a dress with a frilled upper section, the whole thing stopped just above his knees.

His sleeves pulled themselves up into his suit jacket before vanishing, followed by his suit jacket and shirt losing detail as his collar receded and his buttons vanished. They morphed together into one single grey piece of clothing that connected to the dress section covering his bottom half, highlighting his now curved figure and the feminine arch to his spine. It then began to shorten, pulling itself partway down his body, leaving his shoulders and part of his upper torso bare whilst it came down further at the back, revealing his smaller torso as his shoulders had shrank and pulled further inwards along with his collarbone being more pronounced along with his shoulder blades. It ran down over his breasts stopping once the peak of the crevasse between them was visible.

By now it had formed a full dress with no sleeves or straps over the shoulders, before the grey colour of it shifted to a black followed by patches of white fading onto it. A black band then slithered out from behind him as it wrapped itself around his waist pulling the dress slightly tighter, further highlighting his new curvature. His phone had vanished as his earphone cord pulled into the earpieces which began to dissolve into a golden liquid that ran down his ears, before the drops formed into a set of dangling earrings.

After that his skin finished smoothening out, any blemishes or hairs vanishing before his already smoothed out skin took on the most golden tan you could imagine, giving his new body a flawless finish that most women would die for.

Despite his head being tilted forward and hidden by the hat there was still some of his face visible, and it was clear from the visibly puffier lips that were glossed over in lipstick that nothing physically remained of the man that once sat in the back of the limousine. There were now visibly pronounced cheekbones as well as the tip of a petite nose peaking out from under the hat.

When he came to David felt groggy as he moved the hat out of his vision and was quickly taken aback by his new form. He looked down at the pair of breasts on his chest before touching them to see if they were real, only to quickly pull back in shock at their sensitivity. A coldness ran down his back and after reaching a hand around to find it mostly left bare he realised there must have been no bra underneath the dress.

That lead to him inspecting his new attire, running his hands down the dress feeling the comfortable material whilst also taking in his new curvature. He moved the skirt section aside and ran a hand down his lower left leg feeling how smooth and supple it was now, staring in shock at the heels that adorned his feet.

The weight on his ears lead to him realizing he now wore earrings and he could feel longer hair kept contained by the hat. With all the other changes he noticed he was thicker in the back and after gently reaching a hand down felt a lack of what used to be between his legs, but after feeling his chest he didn't want to know what would happen if he reached further into his crotch.

He was utterly speechless, he couldn't think of anything to say as he looked up panicked which revealed his new feminine face, which was adorned with makeup and his thinned eyebrows on top of the other features made him look incredibly attractive. Realizing they'd left the tunnel he looked out his window and was abruptly taken aback by not only his reflection, but also what he saw outside, as the city he'd lived in his entire life was now unrecognizable.

Everything around him was strange, it looked like somehwere around the 1940's with the cars, the buildings and the fashion, but there was a weird foggy looking glaze over everything. Looking around the car it then became clear that he was no longer in the same vehicle, it was much smaller and less comfortable, with an older looking interior with his driver wearing a new uniform. If he had to guess he'd swear it looked like the interior of an expensive car from the 40's.

He was about to ask his driver what was happening but upon trying to speak his name nothing came into his mind. He'd been friends with his driver for years he thought to himself, how could he forget his name?

He saw the car pass by a broken fire hydrant before it pulled up by a vehicle repair shop.

David still in complete panic began to notice mechanics approaching who were singing the song he'd been listening to earlier which made his whole body stiffen, he couldn't move or even speak as his body sat there with a panicked expression, all he could do was cry out desperately in his mind as the song began to flood his every thought.

"No, this isn't right! I'm not a woman, I'm an uptown girl. NO! God please get out of my head! I'm getting tired of her high-class toys. This isn't real, It's just a dream and when she wakes up, and makes up her mind. Please! I never asked for this, I never asked to be looking so fine. I mean, I wondered what it would be like to have a new life but she's got a choice. No, none of this has been my choice! You can't treat a girl like me this way! Oh no, did I just think of myself as an uptown girl. I'm looking for a downtown man. I was thinking that I'm looking so fine. When she's walking, she's looking so fine. When she's-an uptown girl-looking so fine-when she's walking-looking for a downtown man. What are you doing to my mind, and why is it feeling so fine?"

The more time he heard the lyrics the less he began to panic and the more he enjoyed them, he couldn't tell if they were eroding his mind's attempts at resistance or if he was just letting the lyrics slip in, either way the pleasure of hearing those words was like nothing he'd ever experienced before.

"Ooh.. is this how it feels to be an uptown girl? It feels so good to be an uptown girl. Oh, I think I've made up my mind."

With that whatever his name was before didn't matter to him, what she was now was all that mattered, and soon it would be all that she ever was. Thoughts of jewelry, pretty dresses, makeup and looking hot as hell flooded her mind, wiping away everything else as her once fearful expression shifted into a pleasured grin.

'*Giggle!* Well I'm an uptown girl, and I've always been living in an uptown world.' Echoed through her head as all traces of David Prammer had been expunged, she was the uptown girl now.

She sat there watching the mechanics working and cleaning the car listening to the song they were singing, it was truly quite charming she thought. She rolled down her window as she sat with a smile on her face just enjoying listening to the music and watching those delightful downtown men at work. She'd never been around men like them before but she could think of nothing but how much she wanted them.

Her driver seemingly adjusted to the new reality walked over to her door and opened it, and almost as though it was second nature to her she stepped out, her left hand resting on her collar bone as she strutted in her black heels, clearly knowing how to walk as a woman and look good doing it as the mechanics followed close behind her still singing and dancing.

As she strutted gracefully around the place she couldn't believe how good it felt, she'd never felt anything like it she thought as she continued showing off her body. She was an uptown girl, tired of living in her uptown world as she teased the men with her body, before she too started to dance to the song that was flooding her mind.

She was in sink with the mechanics with a grin on her face, she was part of this world now, all there was was the song, her song. She'd become a part of it, and it had become a part of her. She could do nothing but grin ear to ear as she danced.

She took one of the men by the arm after he offered it and let him lead her over to a motorbike which she climbed onto the back of, holding onto him before taking of her hat and shaking out her luscious blonde lochs as she was driven away from the repair shop, which had a billboard on its roof displaying 'Uptown Cosmetics' which featured her posed alongside their products, her new and easier life had just begun.

#tg #tf #tgtransformation #tgtftransformation #tgtfstory #tgtf #gender transformation #gender bender #1980s #music video #1940s #1940s women #identity death #mind alteration #minderased

[thefiveavengers]

so, this is my opinion on the whole beau-jester-yasha situation is right now (not that it can't change). First I don't think it is a proper love triangle (yet) and also it doesn't mean that it can't lead to an eventual ot3 (but its not there yet either).

Yasha has feelings for Beau. Period. I don't think anyone has any doubts about that, and her latest playlist is just a confirmation of that. What I think it's interesting is that she is feeling more comfortable being open about those feelings. I think the reason for this openess is two-fold, meta and narrative.

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<p/>

Meta because Ashley is finally there for a sustained period of time, she can allow this openess because she knows is a thread she can follow next week and the next and the next. Is not a ball that is going to get dropped all of the sudden.

Narrative because after Oban Yasha went after pain (the fight she threw) and when that didn't satisfy her I think she was finally ready to try and embrace happiness again. Also, I think Beau offering herself up for the hag REALLY rattled her. In my opinion she is desperate to show Beau how much they care about her, how much she cares.

Beau is in love with Jester. It's not just a crush, and she's not confused like I've seen some people arguing. If her in-game actions and her conversation with Veth didn't convice you, Marisha says with no half words during talks machina that her feelings for Jester were non-comparable to any other relationship she had prior to that, and that they were more than just sex. Now, I don't think Beau is very optimistic about her feelings being retributed, but I also don't think she is 100% certain they wont be. To me there's a reason why she's been more direct about her compliments to Jester (you are very attractive; you get purple when you suntan, it's super cute) and I think is her way of testing the waters, see how Jester is responding to more direct flirting.

That said I do think its satisfying to her that Yasha has been more openly interested in her. Just because she is in love with Jester it doesnt mean she stops finding other women hot. I think she really likes Yasha, as a person, now that she got to know her better. And I think it must feel like vindication, after flirting so much with her early on and getting almost no response, to now being basically pursued. Beau has tons of self-esteem issue and I think this has got to be an ego boost. I also think her allowing herself to be vunerable enough to fall for Jester is something that might pay off in her relationship with Yasha. When you start to open up to one thing, it's easier to open to others.

Now about Jester, to me is undeniable that Jester had, at one point, a crush on Fjord. But to me is also clear that she has been moving on from that crush for awhile now, and Laura's latest playlist just confirms that. To me she's 75% out of the door on that one, and the last remaining 25% is that its hard to move on from your first crush even if you already have a new one. And yeah, I'm convinced this new crush (or more) is Beau. I've talked about it before why I think that so I'm not going to repeat myself, but to me, while she didn't come out and said it, the song Connect in her playlist is about Beau.

But how does Jester feels about Beau/Yasha? I don't think she is jealous. Not really. We've seen Jester jealous over Beau, she got super bummed out about Reanni/Beau hooking up, and I don't think she ever expressed this about Beau/Yasha. And why is that, if she indeed has feelings for Beau?

Well, we've never seen Beau jealous of Fjord/Jester even though we know she likes Jester, so not everybody even demonstrates this kind of thing. Maybe its because Reanni was an outsider and Yasha is a part of the M9. But to me it runs deeper than that. Jester loves Yasha very much, very, very much and I think her more than anyone is attuned to how sad Yasha's life has been. I think even if she was jealous of Beau, her happiness over Yasha would override that feeling completely. <p/>

#critical role #really hope this read more works #beauregard lionett #jester lavorre #yasha #lavorregard #beaujester #was going to tag beauy*sha but they get mad when something is not exclusively b/y #was going to write more but apparently I hit a word limit I didn't even know existed #is tumblr broken or something?

[sinkix]

《What your fav Haikyuu!! Character says about you│Nekoma Edition》

Yo-hoo! Here’s another part to this potential(?) series! I hope you enjoy the possible call-outs in some of these lmao. Writers block been kicking my ass recently but I had a lot of fun writing these. Enjoy <3

You can find the Karasuno ver. here 

✧✧✧✧✧ ✧✧✧✧✧ ✧✧✧✧✧ ✧✧✧✧✧

Kuroo:

Have a hand fetish and will not say no to choking.

Daddy kink™

Will not accept anything below 6 inches.

More of a dog person but would love to own a black cat.

You drool over tattoos.

Your grades are mostly B’s but you know in your heart you deserve that A, and tbh you probably do. Chase ur goals bby.

Halloween is likely your favourite holiday.

You have to resist not to carve a dick into the pumpkin EvEry GodDAmN YeAr.

You either study for 6 hours consecutively or cannot study at all and you get very frustrated at this.

Have the potential to be a good leader and command the room but probably don’t put it to use as much as you should.

Your playlist parkours from sad 3am crying into your pillow songs to aggressive punk music you could rob a store to.

You like bad boys who hang around bars and look like they would put out a cigarette on your forearm and call you a slut. Just stating facts sweaty xoxo.

Either dress very feminine and girly with a ‘smol girl uwu’ aesthetic or a hardass punk who would kick your ass for a can of beer no in between and tbh both are equally hot.

You’re a big softie at heart either way and just want to be held and told everything will be okay.

Ur a hoe for when people stroke your hair or caress your chin it’s your ultimate weakness.

Watched Rick & Morty.

Twice.

Sleeves rolled up veiny forearms and donning a silver watch are your muse and something you fantasise about frequently.

Most of your memes are shitty top text bottom texts that are somehow funny and I don’t understand why lmao.

You call someone ‘bro’ even if it’s someone you’re immensely attracted to.

Did someone say ties? No it’s just ur dirty ass thoughts thinking about that hot business dudes attire from across the street and how you wish they were tied around ur wrists.

Probably had a crush on Jeff the Killer as a tween and are relentlessly haunted by your old Wattpad library. 

Tbh any dark-haired dude with bedhead that screams rugged and probably not good for you is something that draws you like a moth to a flame.

You often question why every person you’ve fallen for has been a Scorpio and curse that tendency of yours.

Dw man they’re hot so I feel u.

Kenma:

Went through a ‘I’m not like other __’ phase and it’s something that you think about a lot and wish you didn’t.

Watched dan & phil as a kid.

Any mention of Pokemon has you turning into a rabid beast you get way too excited.

It’s cute though dw bby.

Pretty antisocial but interesting to talk to.

Your family often question how you’re able to sleep in till 3pm and judge you heavily for it.

Nocturnal night owl gang rise up.

Frequently have bags under your eyes but somehow manage to pull it off.

Listen to ASMR on the down-low and will never admit it to a single soul.

Frequently go on BL binges and have many related book marks.

You pray that someone will never find your laptop bc holy fuck the amount of smut on that.

You wear scarves & beanies even when it isn’t that cold outside.

100% went through a scene hair phase/attempted to.

You dye your hair a lot or REALLY want to.

You have a voice kink low-key so anyone with a pleasant/soothing sounding voice just gets u goin’.

Cats are your favourite animal and you either do or want to own several.

Would name them after video game/anime characters u fuckin nerd lol.

Speaking of cats ,you fantasise heavily about cat-boys and have a folder dedicated to them.

Oversized hoodies are your vibe and always ball the sleeve hems in your fist as a comfort mechanism.

Shopping centres are your worst nightmare and trigger your claustrophobia or social anxiety and honestly I feel that spiritually.

Have a cute sticky note collection.

You like a lot of music consisting of guitar and slow/soothing beats.

You also fw EDM/ techno on occasions.

Honestly wouldn’t wanna anger you since you have a seething temper when pushed far enough.

It’s the kinda temper that’s eerily quiet but no less terrifying, like the other person can tell you are graphically plotting their demise.

You love sleeping to the sound of rainfall and often play those nature ambience videos while you sleep.

Never tidy your sheets and it’s just a big scrunched up heap of fabric in the centre of your mattress most of the time.

Make your fucking bed.

Lev:

Your ships are chaotic and shamelessly controversial.

Would do something just for the sake of creating mayhem lmao.

You were the fucker who stuck their chewing gum under the desk, I see you.

Your brain never stops whirring it’s a constant hurricane of crackhead energy and you have no idea how to turn it off. 

Would eat a stick of pencil lead for $2

You don’t help your situation with the amount of coffee/energy drinks you consume.

The class clown who cries themselves to sleep.

Such a wholesome dumbass but somehow kinda intimidating??? 

Even if you’re not confident you can do something you’ll try anyway and honestly I respect that about you.

You !! use!!! a lot??!! of!! random punctuation!!! so you always??!?!? seem!!111!! excited!!!!!11!?

Every time you’ve ever tried to make a sandcastle it has failed.

You tried to eat the sand once but we don’t talk bout that.

You would  also pick up slugs and snails and chase your friends around with them.

Can never tell whether people are laughing with you or at you and while you don’t let it show it high-key bothers you when you’re laying alone in your room at night.

Not one to hold grudges, you carry a ‘shit happens’ mentality which is v good but it sometimes leads to people taking advantage of it or walking all over you.

Your meme collection is both questionable and horrifying.

Like how many cursed images and heavily distorted pictures does one person need.

Never organise the files on your PC/laptop so it looks like a complete dumpster fire.

The one at sleepovers who persistently woke everyone else up with their snickering and refusal to sleep till dawn.

For the love of Asahi charge your damn phone.

I see that red bar and ‘12%’

Charge it now.

Bought a plant one time, gave it a name and talked to it frequently.

It died not long after bc u forgot to fucking water it.

No one better ever make you responsible for a pet.

Type of person that when someone asks you to tag along on an endeavour no matter how stupid it is you will agree.

2am skydiving in france? hell yeah.

Midnight shopping spree and spending over half your pay check? count you in.

Exploring an abandoned hospital and performing an Ouija board to summon the demons of hell? you’re damn right you’ll be there.

I hope you have a mum friend by your side bc if not how are you still alive.

You sometimes put the milk in before the cereal and it’s something I’ll never forgive you for.

Yaku:

Very responsible and usually make the right decisions.

You do have moments where you act like a complete dumbass though.

Like u go from 50 year old to 5 year old in the blink of an eye.

A hopeless romantic but it’s a side you don’t often reveal.

Prefer strawberry milk over any other flavour.

You’re the type of person to shower twice a day w/o fail.

Where that stank smell coming from? Not you clearly bc your skin is basically 90% The Body Shop’s rose scented soap at this point.

You get stomach aches a lot and you can’t figure out why.

Probably an allergy to everyone’s bs.

Really good at dirty talk even though you don’t seem the type so people are always taken aback.

You have to be really in the mood though otherwise it falls flatter than Oikawa’s ass, use your skill wisely.

You often call people clowns when you know you’re secretly the biggest one going.

Honk honk, hoe.

You send messages in one paragraph rather than multiple texts unless you are REALLY excited.

People underestimate you at times then are shocked when they realise you are capable of being a fire-breathing dragon from the flaming pits of hell.

You like spicy chicken wings.

Such a petty little shit at times lmao.

Enjoy the view from the top of mountains so you either hike a lot or really want to.

Way more of a cat person since it’s just much more convenient for you.

Usually pretty cheerful or calm and people are drawn to your stable/friendly aura.

Went through a phase of drinking mountain dew and your body still feels the awful effects

Fav element is probably air.

You’re 5′6″ or shorter.

Box dyed your hair brunette several times and can never get the pigment out to this day.

Yamamoto:

Whenever you smell something weird in the room you always internally freak out and think it’s you.

Head-butting walls is your hobby.

You fell off your bike as a kid and still have the scar on your knee.

Probably have tons of ear piercings.

Would tame a pigeon and call it Larry.

You get frequent nosebleeds and can never tell if it’s a medical issue or your extreme simping for fictional men/women.

Hopefully the latter.

You constantly chew your pen/pencil in class so you never lend them to anyone out of embarrassment.

I really hope no one ever lends you stationery bc 30 minutes later it’ll look like it was mauled by a rabid rottweiler.

You really want to own a dog and would call it something intimidating like Banshee or Diablo.

You bleached your hair that one time and it almost fell out so now you’re forced to stay at least 10 metres away from all at-home hair dye products.

You tried your best though bby so A for effort, even if it did look like dehydrated ramen afterwards.

Your grades are mostly C’s and you’re barely passing bc you just don’t care about your classes lol.

Still though you’re actually pretty smart so put it to good use you lazy oaf, channel that crackhead energy into something good.

Your phone screen has several cracks in it from when you dropped it on the bathroom floor while shitting and you’ll always be angry at yourself for that.

You have some really weird quirks but you make it work.

Actually a v chill person but you just kinda attract chaos/trouble wherever you go.

Carry a lighter with you even when you don’t need one.

Shy texter but once people see you irl you are the complete opposite, you just dk how to text without coming across as awkward.

One of those people that’s unintentionally funny and always get confused when you make someone laugh but it makes you feel good regardless.

Have a cool necklace collection and own at least one dog-tag/army style pendant.

Should really consider buying a rabbit you would look so cute w/ one.

You have really nice legs and people should compliment them more.

Either severely dehydrated or overly hydrated to the point you are peeing pure tap water so for the love of god please learn moderation, your kidneys and bladder will thank you for it.

Inuoka:

Your favourite character would be Hinata but you like people taller than you so your love for Inuoka spawned.

You really enjoy using the double spiderman meme.

Cannot correctly verbalise your feelings without creating a minimum of 10 misunderstandings but once people are used to it it’s kinda endearing.

You usually wake up in a good mood and people can never fathom how or why.

You either stay up till 5am or you wake up at that time no in between.

A morning person bc you love the sunrise.

Change your lock-screen very regularly bc you get bored.

Your humour consists solely of poop jokes.

When you don’t understand a joke you laugh anyway and hope they don’t ask you if you actually get it.

Happened once and you’re still traumatised from the cricket silence that fell upon the room.

Really like the taste of lemonade and drink it more often than you should.

Often think about what you would look like with a shaved head.

More of an extrovert but def have occasional introvert tendencies where you wanna be left tf alone.

Never allowed to pick up anything in stores bc the last time you did you sniffed a scented candle and it shattered to the floor.

Constantly have spontaneous ideas of what to change about your appearance.

You use a lot of hand gestures like thumbs up and peace signs.

‘Dude’ and ‘lmao’ is 90% of your vernacular.

Your nails are a disaster, some are down to the nub while others are pretty grown out bc you only bite a select few please sort it out.

Look really good in red.

Your laptop has way too many tabs open from random google searches of words you didn’t know the meaning to.

You read a lot of books but for like 10 minutes at a time bc you have the attention span of a walnut.

You are the type of person to nuke your AO3 tags with things that aren’t even relevant purely bc you found them funny.

Your Tumblr drafts are a nightmare, you have like 100+ in the works yet keep starting new projects why do you do this.

Happy sunshine but you have a LOT of mood swings like that shit comes out of nowhere.

Cry pretty often but no one ever sees and it’s usually because of said mood swings.

You always smile and pick yourself up again though which I commend you for.

TYPES IN CAPITALS IN SITUATIONS THAT DO NOT REQUIRE SAID PUNCTUATION SO YOU SEEM LIKE YOU’RE YELLING ALL THE TIME.

#hq #haikyuu #nekoma #yaku morisuke #lev haiba #yamamoto taketora #kuroo testuro #kenma kozume #inuoka sou

[gabriella-marino]

Gabriella’s Pride Playlist:

Little Games - Miss Benny Romeo - Bryce Xavier Marceline - WILLOW Crush Culture - Conan Gray Gravel to Tempo - Hayley Kioko  Boys/Girls - Torrey Mercer Love Don’t Hate It - Duncan Laurence Lowlife - poppy Honey - Kehlani Born to Be Brave - cast of HSMTMTS 

hello and welcome to discussing songs with, yours truly.

Little Games - Miss Benny  so i decided to so a playlist that kind of goes through her relationship to her sexuality. this song came to mind and is first because it’s about how society has these roles that it forces people into. boys have a certain image they need to fit and so do girls and everyone else needs to conform. so this song represents that beginning stage where she’s no longer a kid running around with hands that are sticky from the fruit she just ate and grass stained knees but someone who is kind of conscious of societal norms and the role she’s supposed to be playing.  Marceline - WILLOW this song is an ode to marceline the vampire queen and i wanted to include it because 1. MOOD but 2. because i think there’s that moment for some people where they’re watching something and get really attached to a certain character and then are like, haha...that’s normal...haha...HA, but it’s because you were gay. so this song is in here because gabriella def had that moment. of course she did. and then later on in life she realized, oh of course i was attracted to women TOO just look at how much i was in love with ____!!! 

Romeo - Bryce Xavier  her next step was being scared of who she was and what that could mean for her future in regards to relationships. not only her romantic ones but her established friends, would they accept her? or her family?? what would they think of her if she brought home a girl when she was still attracted to boys, too, so why couldn’t she just admire women from afar?? this song is about like being in a relationship with someone but wanting to keep it away from the public eye and keeping it between the two of them because the singer is too scared to come out bUT also scared that the other person will leave them for being scared to be themselves. 

Crush Culture - Conan Gray  this song is so funny LMAOO, ive been obsessed with it ever since it came out becaues it’s just like, looking around as a single person and hating all the people getting together into couples around you. this was in gabriella’s time line of being too scared to be in a relaitonship with anYONE because ??? the fuCK is that? and what if the girl she liked wasn’t gAY? or if she told a guy she was with that she was bi didn’t accept that????? then WHAT? so it’s just looking around at all the people getting crushes and talking about their crushes and liking one another and going on DATES when she’s just....not doing that....

Gravel to Tempo - Hayley Kioko  going to this fucking BANGER and a CLASSIC about accepting yourself! this song would represent that moment in her life when she just??? learned that she was who she was and no matter what she or anyone else said/did she was always going to be like this. she was going to be attracted to girls, too!! it was just a thing!!! and she accepted it and learned, you know, if she didn’t like herself then how could she expect anyone else to in the way she wanted them to? 

Boys/Girls - Torrey Mercer  literally just a song about liking boys and liking girls and being bisexual. that point in her life when she was just like, yup, i have accepted this about myself, i use it to describe myself and it works for me. 

Love Don’t Hate It - Duncan Laurence  now that she had that journey to understand herself begins the one of being in a relationship with someone ELSE involved. and it’s sort of the opposite in romeo in that this song is about loving someone in the light of day and not pretending to be someone else within the relationship and out of it. and when looking for a potential partner not reverting to that point in her life. so instead of hiding yourself and hiding your relationship, this one is about being you and loving who you love with no shame attatched.  

Lowlife - poppy this one is about just telling your partner how happy they make you during a shitty point in your life. getting to have someone who makes you happy!! gabriella finally just getting to say that to someone and having someone that accepts her and looking forward to seeing them and getting to tell them they’re a highlight in her life. 

Honey - Kehlani  like the title implIES this song is so SWEET and cute. another ode to the other half of the relationship. this one i feel like has a more romantic tint to it, so like it’s that stage in the relationship where you’re kind of settled in and feeling secure and romantic and all the good mushy gooshy stuff that!! which is something that gabriella previously never thought she could have but always WANTED, because of course she would want that feeling of being loved and accepted by someone!!! YEARNING! and this song is her finally getting there and loving every moment of it. 

Born to be Brave - HSMTMTS ending with a BANGER and such a FUN fucking song dude, oh my GOD. every time this comes on i just gotta DANCE. i wanted to end with another song about self acceptance and loving yourself because break up happen! and bad things happen but you know, at the end of the day, gabriella has herself and her self love and if that gets her through to the next one then that’ll do. 

#bdrptask

[taestrawberrie]

Louder than bombs 2

Pairing: yoongi x reader x taehyung

Synopsis: When taehyung appears at your front door unannounced everything in your relationship goes to shit.

Warnings: angst, fluff, smut (eventually)

I’ll try and do songs for each part hopefully until I can come up with a playlist good enough for it.

I can’t move, I wish I could but I’m terrified to look into Yoongi’s eyes, instead my eyes meet Tae’s. He has a smug look on his face, eyes burning a hole into my soul. I should look away but I can’t bring myself to divert my eyes anywhere else. 

Looking at him brings back a mixture of emotions. I can still remember when I first saw him. His hair was caught my attention first, black with light waves, his bangs slightly covering his eyes while the back was longer. He walked with such confidence it was almost intimidating but when my eyes scanned over his features he looked so innocent and harmless.   

“You seem very intrigued by this piece?” I was taken aback by the deepness of his voice. “Yeah” I said my eyes still transfixed by Yoko Ono’s cut piece “She’s one of my favorite photographers, artist and singers. She gets a lot of unnecessary hate” I take a sip of my drink trying to relieve the dryness in my throat. “I had no clue she did any thing else besides music and I’m sorry for what I’m about to say but her music isn’t that good...that is if you consider whale noises music.”

At that statement I pull my eyes away from the piece and face the stranger who’s already starring at me with his deep eyes. “Ha! I knew that would catch your attention, I’m Taehyung” a smirk can’t help but appear on my face when I catch a glimpse of his smile, it’s beautiful and infectious “Y/N” 

   We spoke endlessly that night about Van Gogh, Salvador Dali and a bunch of other painters. I found out that night that Tae was also a painter but his first love was photography, that fact attracting me to him even more.  I would be lying if I said I didn’t miss him. Yes I was unsure of my feelings when I was with him but I felt so comforted and at the time maybe that’s what I needed but, I knew I need to end things. I  couldn’t keep hurting Yoongi (even if he was obvious to what was going on) just to spite him and I couldn’t selfishly keep Tae behind me like a lost puppy waiting for me to only be his.

“y/n who is he?” I can tell by the tone in his voice that Yoongi is getting annoyed, perhaps even irradiated just waiting for me to give him an answer. I spin on my heels, taking  a deep breathI face my boyfriend who’s standing arms crossed just a few feet from me. His face is blank but I can tell by just looking at his eyes that he knows something is up, they look hurt and I immediately hate myself for knowing that I’m the cause for that. I want to come up with an excuse, I want to tell him Tae is just a friend but I know deep I have to tell him I just can’t keep doing this to him, I love him.

“T-This is Taehyung...we...Um kinda had a thing when you and I were on bad terms. It didn’t last long...I didn’t have any feelings for him I-I promise” I start to walk over towards Yoongi who’s expression is still the same but I can tell by the way he’s clenching his jaw that he’s angry. “You cheated on me?” the words stumble out his mouth “I-I’m sorry, he didn’t mea-” a chuckle cuts me off “I didn’t mean anything to you? How about all those times you said you loved me? That you would leave him for me? Or when I was eating you out and you said he could never compa-” “GET OUT! DON’T TALK ABOUT MY GIRLFRIEND LIKE THAT” I’m startled by Yoongi. He has never once raised his voice at anyone even when he’s been really angry, he always said he wasn’t the type that it just wasn’t in him.

Tae and I lock eyes, there’s sadness in his eyes and I can see that there’s still love in them, even after what I said. My heart beats when I notice the way he looks at me a part of me wants to go and hug him give him a kiss on the cheek and tell him I’m sorry but the other part of me never wants to see him again. “I’ll talk to you later Y/N...maybe this time you’ll finally answer me”he walks out shutting the door behind him leaving just Yoongi and I in silence. 

I reach over to cup his face but he jerks it away, looking into his eyes they’re watery and my heart shatters. Yoongi has always been a composed person, hiding his emotions or not being able to express them properly and over the years I’ve learned to adapt to it, I almost thought he was unbreakable maybe not even human until now. 

He looks deeply into your eyes arms still crossed. He doesn’t know how to react to what he just heard. To say it crushed his ego would be an understatement, now he’s second guessing all the times you’ve been intimate together. Were you just faking it to make him feel better? Did you really mean all those I love yous? But then again why would you end it with him just come back? By the looks of it that Taehyung guy was attractive more then he was, he was more manly unlike him but yet you came back, why?

“Baby I’m sorry it really meant nothing to me. All those things I said to him were meaningless, I only love you Yoongi...I only want to spend my life with you baby” he searches your eyes looking for the truth. His brown eyes penetrate your hazel eyes where they sat for a few seconds. He reaches out to cup your face with his hands, he still loves you even after finding out he always will. 

“I’m sorry Yoongs-” he cuts you off with a passionate kiss, it’s short but it still causes your heart to swell a bit. His hand remains on your face, his thumb slowly caressing your cheekbone “I don’t want to talk about this right now...can we just go to bed and listen to one of your vinyls until we fall asleep?” you nod a bit disappointment that he didn’t want to discuss it but also not wanting to push it. His fingers interlock with yours as he leads you to the bedroom, that night he holds you tight as if he’s afraid to let you go, afraid of you slipping from his fingers once again.

It’s been 2 weeks since you last saw Yoongi, you both still spoke and text daily but he’s been distance which is understandable. You’re confused as to what your relationship is as of right now as he has avoid the topic every time you attempt to bring it up answering that he has to go. You’re a little sadden about not seeing him and it only stings more than whenever you say I love you he stays silent and changes the topic. Again you can’t blame him you understand that it’s not something easy to deal with and he’s coping with it in his own way, you just wish he would let you in more but you’re allowing him the distance he needs.

After work you decided to go to the cafe down the street for a coffee feeling so drained from running around with the kids. You’re an elementary school art teacher and while sometimes you get tried from constantly being on high alter you wouldn’t change it for the world. You greet the cashier and order your regular, an Iced Americano, Yoongi turned you onto it and ever since then you’ve been addicted. Once your coffee is ready you take a seat at one of the near by tables to unwind a bit before going home, taking a sip from your coffee you instantly feel relaxed closing your eyes just enjoying the quietness of the cafe.

Your mind starts to wonder you don’t want to assume the worse but you know that you have to be realistic...your relationship with Yoongi is ruined and it’s all your fault. You were a dumbass to even think no to even go through with the idea of cheating on him. Yes when it all happened you were going through a rough patch, him moving away to another town for 5 months while you stayed home but that doesn’t justify any of it. It was easy at first with both of you talking constantly making the distance between the  2 of you seem almost non-exist but that only lasted a minute. After the first month and a half passed the problems and silly arguments began to make their presence. One night you had had enough when you found heard a women’s voice on the other line calling him baby, he tried to deny it saying it was just the tv but you knew better it also didn’t help he had began distancing himself and missing your calls.

He kept calling you after that day trying to example the situation to clear it up for you but every time his story kept changing. Around this time is when you met Taehyung at the museum, he gave you the attention that you were craving and both you were equally passionate about art, him always praising your work with kids, saying you were molding their minds from an early age. You have to admit to yourself that you did care about Taehyung maybe you even liked him but not the same way as Yoongi. 

He distracted you from the pain that you felt being apart from Yoongi and in a way he you felt like you had found your soulmate in him but in a non-loving way. Both of you would talk endlessly about movies, jazz, art and photography even going on dates to the park at night to capture the sincere. He was well aware of your relationship but he couldn’t help himself from falling for you. In all his 24 years of life he had never met anyone like you, he admired what you did the way you were so caring and passionate about your art work and music equally. You’re hippie-like mentality and your way of speaking causing him to blush any time you spoke. 

“Hey, can we talk?” loosing your train of thought your eyes shoot up to the handsome man in front of you, a man you know too well.

#min yoongi #yoongi angst #yoongi au #yoongi smut #taehyung au #taehyung x reader #taehyung angst #yoongi #taehyung #bts #bts fic #bts smut

[myhockeyworld87]

Careless - Jamie Benn

Requested: No

Word Count: 3107

Warning: Cursing

Song Inspiration: Nickelback - Next Contestant

Notes: So confession, I sometimes just throw my playlist on shuffle to see what comes up. This song came up on the way home from work and I just couldn’t stop picturing Jamie Benn. I just feel like he’d be super protective with his woman. So here’s my take on it. Still working on Nervous Regrets but just had to write this first. Let me know what you think.

READER’S POV

 Slipping on the skimpy cocktail dress, that left nothing to the imagination; you checked the mirror one last time before gliding out onto the bar room floor. Picking up the tray, you mouthed a quick hello to Isaac and Carl, tonight’s bartenders; sashaying over to one of your tables, you got to work. It wasn’t a bad place to work, it was upscale, somewhat classy; though some nights you couldn’t tell by the clientele. That they allowed you to get up on stage every weekend and have your music heard, was a bonus. It was a win, win for the both of you. Traffic definitely picked up on those nights, when you were standing behind the microphone; and most times you didn’t mind helping out before or after your set. Tonight, was one of those nights. You’d just performed for the last hour, now it was time for the DJ to take over and keep the party going. As for you, you’d make sure that the customers were satisfied and the alcohol continued to constantly flow.

After grabbing a few drinks for a couple tables; Kelsey, your friend and co-worker came up to you. “Great set tonight (Y/N). You know, Careless is my favorite song you do.”

 “Aww, thanks Kels. I love that one too.”

 “Hey before I forget, table 18 is asking for you. I think a few of them have a thing for you.” Batting her eyelashes at you. “Switch me tables, I’ll take 23. I’m a sucker for the nerdy type.”

 Chuckling, “Mmm Hmm…I know you. Look out Sheldon Cooper, here comes Kelsey Brown.”

 “Ooo a man with a brain is so hot. Stop turning me on. We’ve still got hours here.” With that she swayed over to the table to work her charm on the semi-attractive guy in glasses.

 Glancing over to the table Kelsey had mentioned moments ago, you were half tempted to go trade her back; for you weren’t sure you could handle all the male testosterone coming from there. What looked to be about eight overly good-looking athletes all sat, laughing, joking and drinking way over priced liquor. Tray in hand you made your way over, but not before some guy at one of your other tables grabbed your ass; which unfortunately was not an uncommon event. Smiling prettily, you removed his hand and put on that southern charm, “I’ll be right with you sugar. Just gotta grab that table right there.” You’d just filled all their drinks and knew they’d be good for at least the next twenty minutes.

 “Hurry back.” He called after you; what he didn’t see was the eye roll you gave him or the mental fuck off finger you had popping up in your brain.

  JAMIE’S POV

 Tonight’s win had you all ready to celebrate, and so when someone suggested heading to the bar; you were all in. This wasn’t your usual hangout; normally someone would suggest some up and coming trendy nightclub, and that’s where you’d all end up. Rads, however had mentioned he’d been here before; and enjoyed the atmosphere. You could see why, when the beauty up on stage belted out some song, that could easily be playing on the top one hundred charts; you couldn’t take your eyes off her. While her looks initially drew you in, it was her voice that kept you mesmerized; soft, silky smooth notes floating out of a mouth you just wanted to kiss for days. It seemed like she no sooner started then she was off the stage; replaced by some obnoxious DJ, who played a little too loud for his surroundings.

 “That girl is amazing, in every way.” It was a statement that didn’t come from your mouth but one that you could totally agree with from Tyler.

 “Yeah, she sing here almost every weekend,” this from Rads. “She’s waited on me couple time.”

 Needing to know more you asked, “Wait she’s a waitress too? I thought she was just a singer.”  

 “Yeah, you know she like does both.”

 Just then your waitress came up asking if you needed more drinks. “Hey, is the girl who was just singing, working tonight?” leave it to Seggy to just cut to the chase.

 “Yeah, she is, want me to send her over?”

 “Absolutely” the man was not subtle at times.

 “Not that you aren’t great and everything.” You added, hoping not to hurt her feelings.

 “It’s no problem.” She said with a wicked wink.

 Watching the waitress move towards the songstress, you saw them speak briefly; then watched as she made her way to your table, but not before some asshole pawed at her ass. Anger seethed inside you. Being out of earshot you couldn’t hear her response to the mongrel; what you did see was the slight eye roll she gave as she turned. Briefly you wondered how many encounters like these she had a night; you didn’t have a chance to contemplate it before she was standing beside.

 “Gentlemen, nice to see you all. I’m (Y/N), what can I get you tonight?”

 That’s when Seggy decided to make a bigger ass of himself than most times. “I don’t know, what’s on the menu? Me -N -U?” Wincing, you knew the pickup line had to be one of the worst that ever came out of someone’s mouth; while most of the guys laughed, inwardly you groaned.

 “I’m pretty sure Me-N-U didn’t make it past your ego, but if you’d like to order something else, I’d be happy to help you.” Ouch, she could hold her own; it was more of turn on then you wanted to admit.

 Hoping to make up for the rest of the jerks at your table, you politely asked; “We’ll just have a round of beers and some shots of Don Julio Real, please.”

 “I’ll be right back with those.”

 “Segs, you gotta do another one of those when she comes back.” For a big man, Olesksiak couldn’t hold his liquor well or his tongue for that matter; lord knows Tyler didn’t need any encouragement.

 “Leave her alone man, she probably gets tired of the bullshit all the time.”

 “Aww Chubbs, we’re just having a little fun. No harm. Besides she seems to give as good as she gets.”

 “Just try and act like a decent human for once in your life, will you Segs.” The odds of that happening were slim to none.

 She came back to the table then, handing drinks out one by one. Each time she leaned forward, her dress gave you a nice glimpse of her full round breasts; that they were on display for everyone here to see had you fighting the urge to cover her with your suit jacket. Tyler, glided a finger up her arm, causing her to turn and look at him with questioning eyes. “Screw me if I’m wrong, but don’t I know you?”

 (Y/N) paused for a second, as if truly wondering had they met before. “Hmmm. Does your ass get jealous of the all the shit that comes out of your mouth?” The table erupted in laughter, Seggy included. “Thank you, gentlemen, I’m here all night. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got other customers. I’ll be back to see if your pick up lines get any better.”

 Your teammates chatted endlessly about her; each of them trying to come up with a better pickup line for when she came back. Concentrating on the woman, instead of some hyped game of whose line is better; you watched her take some orders, then head over to the bar. Long strides had you at her side in no time. “(Y/N) isn’t it?” when she nodded, you continued; “Look I just want to apologize for the other assholes at my table. We’ve probably had one too many. It’s just they were a little excited with the win and everything…” you were rambling. “Not that, that’s an excuse or anything. Ummm…anyhow I just wanted to say I’m sorry for the way they’ve been acting.”

 She smiled sweetly at you, and it melted your heart. “Don’t sweat it. It happens all the time.” She touched your arm then, an unconscious gesture but one that went straight to your groin all the same. “I’m used to it, but thank you for the apology.”

 Turning back to the bar, she dismissed the conversation as over; but you weren’t ready for that yet. “I also wanted to say…your voice…I mean….” God you were terrible with women; it was like you turned into a babbling idiot. “It was beautiful. Did you write those songs?”

 “Awww thank you, yes I did. Which one did you like best?” she seemed genuinely interested; that you had her full attention, had you elaborating more.

 “I’m not sure of the name, but something about….don’t be careless with my heart, for although we’re worlds apart, I still need you here with me…I’m not exactly sure of the right words. It has a great melody; you should be on the radio.”

 Her cheeks turned a soft shade of pink. “Wow I’m impressed you were listening. The songs called Careless; it’s one of my favorites too. And thanks for the compliments, the band and I have been working on cutting an album, but that takes money. Speaking of which, I gotta get these drinks out. It was nice to talk to you….”

 “Jamie,” you supplied.

 “Nice to meet you Jamie. I’ll be back over at the table a little later.”

  READER’S POV

 Jamie, it suited him, with his large frame you expected it to be Jim or James; but no Jamie fit him perfectly. It spoke to the softer side of him, one that you could see in that first encounter. He wasn’t like the rest of them at his table; it was a nice change of pace. The rest of the night went pretty much as expected, a hand placed here or a comment there; the lewd looks from different men as they ogled your breasts. Jamie was different though, no raunchy remark or crude stare; though he did look, it was just more with appreciation then lust.

 All night you waited for him to make a move, ask you out or maybe even try and hold your hand, for it seemed more in his wheelhouse; but he didn’t. So, when he showed up the next night, it took you by surprise. He was by himself this time, but still grabbed a table none the less; though he seemed to have a knack for not picking your section.

 “Your boyfriend from last night’s here.” Kelsey tormented. “He’s asking for you again.”

 “Kels he’s not my boyfriend. He barely said a few words to me.”

 “Doesn’t change the fact he’s back again tonight and asking for you.”

 Shaking your head, you strolled over to his table. “Miss me already?” you said teasingly.

 “What…uh…ummm.” He was cute when he was flustered.

 “Relax I’m just kidding with you. So, what can I get you tonight Jamie?”

 “Oh, you remembered my name.”

 Playfully you answered. “I try to remember all my cute customers.”

 Blushing at your words, his cheeks turned a becoming shade of red. “I’ll just have a beer.”

 “One beer coming right up.” It literally took all of ten seconds to get the beer, so you were back at his table in no time. “Here ya go, anything else I can get ya?”

 “No, I’m good.” He seemed to hesitate, as if there was something more he wanted to say. Finally, he spit it out. “So are you going to be singing tonight.”

 Maybe he just liked your music and not you, it was somewhat refreshing; that was if you didn’t think that he was totally sexy as fuck. “Sadly no, I usually only sing here on Friday or Saturday night. The rest of the time you just get me as your server.”

 He smiled, and heat pooled in your nether regions. “I’m ok with that.” Looks like you were wrong and he was interested; well you’d just have to see how the rest of the night went.

 “(Y/N) drinks for table 7 are ready.”

 “Duty calls. I’ll be back in a bit.”

 Sunday night usually wasn’t that busy, so it afforded you the chance to get to know Jamie more. You found out that he was a professional hockey player for the Dallas Stars, that he enjoyed cooking and had a great appreciation for music. If you both had been on the same dating website, you would’ve been matched in an instant; though for some reason Jamie seemed reluctant to ask you out. Staying until closing time, he walked to you to your car; where you were sure he’d at least kiss you. Disappointment coursed through you when he didn’t.

 The next several weeks were pretty much the same, Jamie showing up on nights that you worked and he was free; always the gentleman, but never asking you out. You started to wonder if you were reading him wrong; maybe he was just lonely and seeking friendship. That was until one particular night.

 It was crowded, you’d finished your set, put your uniform on, if you could call a skin tight dress a uniform; and headed out to wait tables. The men were handsy that night, one particular table being down right obnoxious. Pickup lines were the least of your worries with them. It was a grab of your ass here, someone pulling you by the waist there; but the icing on the cake was the hand that traveled up your inner thigh. It was cringe worthy and had you gathering your wits each time you headed back to the bar.

 Making your way to Jamie’s table you stopped to check and see if he needed another drink. “Are they bothering you?” His arms were folded across his chest, and you could tell he saw the whole thing play out.

 “It’s fine Jamie, I can handle it.” You weren’t sure how true that statement was, but you’d see how the night played out before you went calling for help.

  JAMIE’S POV

 Anger boiled inside you; the only thing tamping it down was the fact that you didn’t want to make a scene in front of (Y/N). What you really wanted to do was rip the assholes into shreds. They mauled at her, made lewd remarks; yet she took it all in stride. You hated that she had this job, even the damn dress that was supposed to be her uniform had you seething. She was a goddess and deserved to be treated that way; why you hadn’t made a move on her, you weren’t sure. Only fear of rejection had kept you silent. The woman could have any person, man or woman if she wanted; all she had to do was say the word. Yet in the few weeks that you’d known her you hadn’t seen her with either sex.

 Over the last few weeks you’d watch men buy her drinks, trying to garner her favor; she declined them all. Pickup lines were non-stop, and God bless her, she had a witty comeback for each one. Tonight, just seemed like a culmination of everything all rolled into one; they all wanted in her pants, metaphorically and literally speaking. You weren’t about to let that happen.

 Hours passed and with each minute, the temperature of your blood rose. The rowdy bunch of twenty somethings continued their torment, even as the crowd thinned down leaving just a few stragglers behind. Eyes trained on her; she made her way over to the table for last call. One of them grabbed her and pulled her hard onto his lap; causing her to drop the empty tray. You couldn’t hear his words, but you saw his hand snake up her side and cup her breast. She twisted in his arms in an attempt to break free; you were out of your seat before you even knew what was happening.

 Before he could make another move, you placed your hand firmly on his shoulder and squeezed the bastard as hard as you could. “Is that your hand on my girlfriend?” His eyes bulged out of his head as you loomed over him. When he neither released her or said anything, you repeated it. “Is that your hand?” He let her go then, and she scrambled off his lap.

 “Look man we were just having fun.”

 “Mmmm…want to try it again and see how much fun it will be with me outside? Because I’d love to just bash your head in right now?” You tighten your grip on the little asshole; and he winced in pain.

 (Y/N) tugged on your arm. “It’s not worth it Jamie.”

 “I think they’re ready to close their tab, aren’t you boys?” They all nodded. “Good, I expect you’ll be generous in your tips for all the hassle you’ve given my girl tonight.” With that you released the pipsqueak, and took (Y/N)’s hand leading her away.

 She dumped the tray on the bar, and pulled you into the back. “Jamie, you didn’t have to do that, but thank you. The girlfriend part was a nice touch, though.”

 “I didn’t say it for affect. I said it because I want it to be true.” You hadn’t asked her out, didn’t even know how she felt about you. All you knew is that you wanted this woman to belong to you and you alone.

 Her lips turned up in a what you could only describe as the sexiest smile you’d ever seen. “I think that can be arranged.” She slid her hands up your chest; instinctively you wrapped yours around her waist and drew her closer to press up against your body. Leaning down you molded your lips to her, in a sweet and devasting kiss. She opened easily for you and your tongue swept in to taste the essence that was her. She was sweet and sass all rolled into one, and you took your time to explore her mouth. Demanding more as the kiss went on; she met you every step of the way. She moaned helplessly into your mouth and it was your undoing. If you didn’t stop now, you weren’t sure you ever would. Gently you pulled back from the kiss, thumb softly caressing her cheek as your harsh breathes mingled. “Let’s get out of here.” She whispered to you and you thought you’d died and gone to heaven. Only you were wrong, that would come later when she was under you writhing in pleasure, as she cried out your name.

#jamie benn #jamie benn imagine #jamie benn imagines #dallas stars #dallas stars imagine #dallas stars imagines #nhl imagines #nhl imagine #nhl fanfic #hockey imagines #hockey imagine #hockey fanfiction

[marvelousmarvelimagines]

Five Times You Caught Tony Stark’s Eyes

Pairing - Tony Stark x Avenger!Reader

Summary - It’s not easy to grab the attention of the genius, billionaire, playboy, philanthropist, but here’s five times that you did. 

Word Count - 3,138

Warnings - Language, and also some slightly smutty situations. 

Tony Stark had seen a lot of things in his forty years of life. From a burrito flying through the air into a car window, to a wormhole leading into space, he had seen a lot.

But he had never seen anything like you.

The fire blazing in front of him was reflected in your eyes, creating a barrier between you and the rest of the team. That wasn’t the only thing reflected in them though. It was a look Tony recognized well. It was fear. You put on a brave front, but he could see right through it. The bravado you put on was all an act from a woman trying to hide that she had no idea how to control this thing inside of her. You were scared to death. Tony knew at that exact moment every single incident that got you on the Avengers radar must have been accidental. How could someone that looked that terrified be a murderer?

Surprising everyone, even himself, he stepped closer to you. He could hear the team’s warnings, as well as his AI’s, echoing in his ears, but as usual, he paid them no mind. How could he focus on anything other than you as your eyes widened.

“Stay away!” You yelled at him, but your voice lacked the authority it had earlier held, and Tony stepped forward again.

Your arm thrust up, but you seemed too panicked to do anything, scrambling backwards toward the wall behind you. Tony could see the sweat gleaming on your skin, the trembling of your hand as your gaze darted around trying to find a way out. You looked like a small mouse that had been cornered by a large cat with no escape in sight.

Tony deactivated his mask, revealing his face to you. That grabbed your attention and you focused once more on him instead of the fire surrounding you. “Mr. Stark, you need to get away! Leave me alone!” This time there was another tone in your voice, one of pleading as you looked at him. You didn’t want to hurt him.

“No can do, kid. We just want to help you.” He tried to reassure you as he continued forward. “Can you let me through?” Tony asked once he reached the edge of the fire.

You shook your head, “please,” you gasped, “stay away . . . I can’t -” Your whole body seemed to be trembling with terror as he stared at you. “I don’t want to hurt you. I don’t want to hurt anyone else.” You said.

“You won’t,” Tony tried to reassure you. “I would say we’re pretty damn near indestructible, but Cap here has weak legs,” he said, gesturing to the super soldier over his shoulder.

His humor was rewarded with a little smile, but it vanished as soon as it appeared.

“I can’t control it.” You told him.

Tony leaned down so that he would be level with you. The heat from the fire caressed his skin, but he didn’t notice it. Your eyes were locked on his, filled with a multitude of emotions ranging all over the place. You were scared, you were powerful, but most of all, you were desperate. While you might not be asking for it, Tony could see you needed help. “We’re good with that. If I can build an iron suit in a cave surrounded by terrorists, I think I can help you out with this.”

It felt like hours, hours of staring into each other’s eyes, while all around the fire continued to blaze. Tony’s gaze was filled with awe and sincerity, while yours was filled with pain and uncertainty trying to figure out if you could trust him. Then, your hand started to lower, hesitating for a moment. “You promise?” You whispered so low he almost couldn’t hear it over the crackle of the flames.

“Promise,” Tony replied.

The flames lowered.

⎊⎊⎊⎊⎊⎊⎊⎊⎊⎊

Appreciating the little things had never been a priority in Tony Stark’s life. Why should it when there were much finer things to be appreciated in reach of his fingertips? Any piece of the latest technology he could have. Say he wanted some pizza from Italy? Easy, take his plane and go there. Stopping and smelling the roses? Please, there were artificial scents for that he could order and have at the tower in under an hour.

Not you though.

He had never seen someone so fascinated by such simple things before. Everything you did was like you were doing it for the first time. He couldn’t count the amount of times he had found you laying on the roof enjoying the sun. Then there was this little smile of relief you got every time that someone greeted you or left you with a hug. It was like it made your day. Also your obsession with animals. At the rate you were going, Tony didn’t think that there would be a cat in New York City that hadn’t been pet by you. It seemed so . . . easy to make you happy. Coming from the girl that half a year ago had been sobbing and helpless on the ground surrounded by a fire she couldn’t control, it was the most impressive turnabout Tony had ever seen.  

This might take the cake though.

Tony couldn’t stop staring. Rain poured down from the skies as you moved around the roof of the tower, your clothes so drenched your button up hung off your shoulder, your curled hair falling in waves around your face, but yet, you still danced, a soft smile on your face as you embraced the downpour. He had thought he had gone unnoticed even though he had no idea how long he had been standing there.

“I can feel your judgement from here.” You called out to him.

Tony started, but recovered before it became too awkward. “I thought fire and water didn’t get along?”

You shook your head, opening your eyes and turning your smile to him. “Common misconception.” Once again, Tony watched every step that you took as you moved closer, stopping mere feet in front of him. His chest tightened as you held out your hand to him. “Join me?”

“Uh, bad idea, see this shirt is about the cost of saving several mountain gorillas, and I have to get to a Gala in -”

“When has something being expensive ever stopped you?” You asked him, lifting an eyebrow.

Tony thought about it for a minute. He knew the fancy gala would be starting soon, but it was already in his reputation to be late. Why start changing now? Besides, he wouldn’t mind spending some alone time with the mystery that was you. “Two conditions.”

Your smile widened as if you expected nothing less. “I’ll hear them and take them into consideration.”

He took a step closer to you, right at the edge of the door as he spoke. “Number one, I expect round the clock care when I inevitably get sick from this little venture.” He told her, holding up one finger.

She laughed and Tony found his breath leaving him at the sound. God how was a laugh so attractive? Nobody was supposed to have an attractive laugh. “Agreed as long as it doesn’t involve foot massages.” She told him, scrunching up her nose.

Tony bit his bottom lip as if considering her counter, but then nodded. “Number two, not my type of music. JARVIS, cue something from my playlist would you?” The Steelheart song his AI had selected, ‘I’ll Never Let You Go’, began playing and Tony had to fight the urge to roll his eyes.

“I’m impressed. I thought for sure it would be some AC/DC.” You pointed out.

“Me too,” he looked at her and stepped out into the rain, tugging her close. “Guess we’ve just got to play the cards we’ve been dealt sometimes.”

If you hadn’t been pressed against him, he would have missed your sharp intake of breath as your bodies met, because your face didn’t change a bit, your smile still in perfect place. He watched as a single raindrop dripped from one of your eyelashes and slid down your cheek. “Isn’t that the truth.” You said, wrapping your somehow still warm arm around his neck and pulling him even closer as you both moved in circles in the pouring rain.

⎊⎊⎊⎊⎊⎊⎊⎊⎊⎊

It was hypocritical of him, he had known that from the very beginning. You had known that too, but you hadn’t questioned him. You had told him once that you trusted him more than anyone in the world. He had responded by telling you that was a mistake. You had replied that he hadn’t let you down yet.

This time he felt like he had.

“Just for a few days. As soon as all of this has blown over I’ll bring you back and you can sign the accords like you wanted.” Tony told you, sitting on the porch of the small cabin that he had rented out for you.

“I don’t understand why I can’t sign them now. It’s not like the government doesn’t know of my existence. Doesn’t signing them -” You paused, and Tony knew right away that you had come to the same conclusion he had as soon as this whole idea was brought up. “You think they’ll prosecute me.” You said, your voice so low Tony almost missed it.

“I don’t know that -”

“Why wouldn’t they?” You stood up and Tony watched as you began to pace around the porch, your hands trembling with emotion. “I’ve killed innocent people. I’m a murderer. I killed my own boyfriend, Tony. I should be locked up. They could make a good example out of me too. Show that superheroes aren’t above the law.”

“That was not your fault.” Tony said in a stern tone, punctuating every word with emphasis. “He was abusing you, Y/N. Your powers were new and out of control. You were defending yourself.”

You turned back to look at him, tears streaming down your face. “Historically, women who murder their own abusers don’t do well in court. You know that as well as I do.”

Tony had never been one for physical affection, but he made an exception for you, pulling you so tight against his chest he could feel your heartbeat, pounding and erratic with emotion against his own chest. “Then I’ll make a deal. I just need time. I promise nothing’s going to happen to you.”

He watched from a distance, taking in everything about you. The way your tan skin glowed in the flames you were creating in the fire pit. The tips of your fingers moving around in a dance as you manipulated them. Your white dress contrasting with the black night surrounding you, making you stand out even more in his tired eyes. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen. God you were a sight for sore eyes. He took a step forward, a branch cracking under his feet.

You glanced up, finding Tony in the darkness and letting out a gasp at his appearance. Now that he thought about it, he might should have cleaned up the blood a bit before coming to see you. “Tony . . .” You ran over to him, your hands covering your mouth in shock at the wounds on his face as you stopped a few feet away.

A sarcastic comment was on the tip of his tongue, but he continued looking at you, and he couldn’t do it. He was exhausted, emotionally and physically, and he couldn’t keep up his usual facade. Not with you. “I fucked up.” He croaked out.

He didn’t have to say anything else. You hugged him close, one arm wrapped tight around his middle while the other pulled his face into your neck. You didn’t have any words to say, but he didn’t need them. He just needed to be close to you.

⎊⎊⎊⎊⎊⎊⎊⎊⎊⎊

It was a rare night that Tony Stark got to sleep all the way through it. Even more so when it wasn’t in his own bed, but Tony woke up feeling refreshed that morning. He could hear the wind blowing through the open windows, the white curtains flowing with it. The sun was rising, painting the sky in purples, oranges and yellows, a sight he normally only saw through tower windows after he had been up all night tinkering. He had to admit, it was nice to see from the comfort of a bed.

A soft sigh turned his attention away from the windows, and he glanced down at the woman curled on her side against his front. Your whole body was relaxed and warm as always. Your hair was a gentle wave against the pillows between the two of you, a serene look on your face with your lips parted, still deep in sleep. Then his eyes landed on your bare shoulder, and he couldn’t resist.

Leaning over, he pressed a kiss to your skin, followed by another, then another, all the way to the spot behind your ear that he knew drove you crazy. He was rewarded with another sigh as your back arched into him. “It’s way too early for you to be kissing me like that.” You mumbled into your pillow.

“Is it?” He asked, a hint of a smirk on his lips as he splayed his hand across the smooth skin of your lower stomach. “I’m not used to normal waking hours. I can stop if you want.” He said, turning his attention to your earlobe, nibbling on it softly.

This time you whined, pressing your ass back against him. “If you do I’ll set you on fire.” You replied, half joking.

Tony paused at that, his hand massaging your inner thigh with tender circles. “Now are you talking about the good kind of fire such as, ‘dear god I have to do terrible things to this awful man right now, or the bad kind of fire in which you’re thinking, ‘dear god I have to do terrible things to this handsome man right now?’” He asked, nipping at your neck.

At this point, you seemed to be almost awake, and rolled over on top of him, hips floating above his just enough to where they were almost touching, hands resting on either side of his head. “You know, those both kind of sound the same to me.”

“Did they? Seemed to have distinct differences to me.” He replied before sliding his hands up to grip your hips and pull you down to his hard length.

He couldn’t miss the way your arms tensed, and he knew you were gripping the sheets tight. As if it was second nature, you rolled your hips down on him, causing a slight groan to leave his mouth. He loved how your body reacted to him and his teasing. Even in the most inappropriate of situations, you always responded. In fact, he recalled fondly how angry you had gotten at him during one of your previous press conferences with the rest of the Avengers when he had kept a hand under your skirt the whole time while you all sat at the table. Nevertheless, within seconds of the press conference ending you had him pulled into a broom closet where he had fucked you against the door. You may deny it, but you couldn’t resist him. He enjoyed you attempting to though. “You’re walking on thin ice, Stark. I don’t start my mornings this early without coffee. You don’t know what you’re getting into.”

“What can I say? I like playing with fire.” Tony replied.

You laughed, so deep in your belly that Tony could see it with your breath, the sight making him smile. God he loved you like this. Carefree and happy, adorable and yet alluring at the same time. Most importantly, with him. “You’re lucky I love you, or I’d hit you for all the fire puns.”

“Now, that’s an interesting idea. What do you say -”

He didn’t get the chance to finish his sentence. When you started kissing down his chest, he found himself rather occupied doing other things.

⎊⎊⎊⎊⎊⎊⎊⎊⎊⎊

“I need another drink.”

“You do not need another drink. As your best man, I am not going to allow you to get drunk before the most important day of your life.” Rhodey told him, clapping him on the shoulder. “Especially in front of an actual priest.” He muttered under his breath while smiling at the man in question.

Tony’s fingers tapped against his Tom Ford clad leg in no particular rhythm. “Drinking in front of a Priest is hardly the worst thing I’ve ever done.”

“No, but drinking on your wedding day might be. She would set your suit on fire. You realize that right?” Rhodey told him.

The thought of that had a fond smile appearing on Tony’s face. “Yeah, yeah I do.”

Then the violins started. An instrumental version of Sweet Child O’ Mine was the song both of you had ended up agreeing on after you had flat out refused You Shook Me All Night Long several times. Now, watching your Maid of Honor, Carol Danvers, walk down the aisle to it, sending a little wink to Rhodey as she did, he had to admit you were right.

As the music swelled, he could feel his heart rate getting faster and faster to an almost painful level. If he didn’t know any better, he would say he was having a panic attack. But then the doors opened and he saw you.

Gorgeous, lovely, pretty, ravishing, stunning, breathtaking, ethereal, a fucking knockout. Tony struggled to come up with a word that fit your description at that moment, but there was none in the English language. Head to toe in white lace, with a smile that left him breathless, you were every bit the angel he teased you were. At that moment, he wanted to run down the aisle, grab you close and marry you as soon as possible, but he didn’t, taking every second to memorize how you looked to implant in his mind forever. Finally, you reached the bottom of the stairs where he was waiting. It was then that he noticed the fire red detailing on the back, an ode to the both of you and how you had met.

If there had ever been a doubt in Tony’s soul that you were not meant for him, this moment stomped it. It wasn’t until you reached up with gentle fingers to brush a tear away that he realized he had been crying. “Did you ever think we would get here?” You asked him, your smile still blazing and your eyes shining with love.

“From the moment I laid eyes on you.” Tony replied.

#tony stark #tony stark x reader #iron man #iron man x reader #tony stark imagine

[day-fire]

Positive 20 Questions Tag Game

i made a tag game again.  i’m bored, procrastinating, and certain we all need some more positivity right now. hell yeah.

(tgged by @scamp-00 and @sweatercas! thank you, friends!)

1.) Name 4 fictional characters who showcase your personality the best, with explanations if you want.

dean winchester / supernatural - not only because i love pie, women, classic rock, and old muscle cars, but because i also have great a great emotional capacity but no skill at articulating it and will probably spend 11 years harboring feelings for a friend that i’ll never admit to having.

nick miller / new girl - because he is attractive, stupid, funny, and great boyfriend material. i am also attractive, stupid, funny, and great boyfriend material.

debra morgan / dexter - who has a hard exterior, affinity for cuss words, a secret soft inside, and ends up with all the wrong people in an attempt to cure loneliness? deb and i.

tom hansen / 500 days of summer - because i end up falling for people who don’t love me and i tend to associate similar music tastes with attraction for one another like a dumb 15 year old.

2.) Aesthetic?

flowers. decaying buildings. rays of sunlight through tree leaves. empty streets in the middle of the night. hands. a bed filled with blankets and pillows and love. forehead kisses. lingering touches. sleeping in on rainy mornings. the crackle of vinyl records. long coats and big sweaters. mismatched wall art. the condensation on a glass of ice water in the summer heat. open windows letting in the sound of the city in the late evening.

3.) Favorite musical/play? (If you’ve never seen a musical or play, one you’d be interested in seeing?

RENT. i saw it once almost ten years ago and remember virtually nothing about it except at one point an actress had the entire crowd screaming “MOO!” over and over again and it felt like a dream. i saw that play while meeting with a pen pal i had my freshman year of high school.

4.) What is the best compliment you’ve ever received?

i don’t have anything that sticks out to me, but i become a complete mess when people compliment my singing.

5.) How many times have you been in love?

two, i think. maybe once. although, i’ve told a few too many people i loved them, even though i didn’t actually feel it with most. the real question is, how many people have been in love with me? that would be zero.

6.) Embarrassing story or fact about yourself that makes you laugh now?

as a kid, i was obsessed with harriet the spy. to the point that i made my own spy kit (which consisted on a costume purse from my grandma’s dress up bin and a singular compact mirror that i would use to peek around corners). my big brother caught me a few times and told me to stop being dumb.

7.) Favorite Disney/Pixar movie?

the little mermaid, hands down, no questions asked. as a toddler, i would demand that my parents play, rewind the tape, and play it again over and over all day long. i still watch it for comfort sometimes.

8.) Favorite flower or plant?

irises 

9.) What’s your favorite holiday?

i always want to say halloween, but the past few years, halloween hasn’t been very good to me. but christmas always makes my heart swell up with happiness.

10.) Name three things that made you laugh or smile this past week.

watching my manager at work get absolutely GEEKED about how my mom used to work with an ex-serial killer

the fan fiction stay with me, sweetheart by @a-mandala-rose

talking to @sweatercas about grumpty old vampires dean and sam

(these events are actually a week or two old because i had this post saved in my drafts and i haven’t had a lot of smiles or laughs this week.)

11.) What song would you play to introduce yourself to someone?

“way cool baby love” by daisy

12.) Name something that truly makes you feel peaceful even at your most stressed moments.

hand holding. really, any physical touch will ground me when i’m feeling stressed/anxious, but hand holding is my favorite.

13.) What do you, did you, or would you study at college?

i’ve dropped out of school twice lmao, but if i had the discipline to go back and actually finish a degree, i think i’d like to become a high school engligh teacher.

14.) This is kind of a weird one, but which outfit of yours makes you feel most like yourself?

my ripped jeans with the cuffed ankles, my “humans are not real” t-shirt with the alien head that i got from five below, and my oversized black cardigan

15.) What is a quote you live by?

“we must define ourselves by the best that is in us, not the worst that had been done to us.”

16.) Name the funniest playlist name you have.

“classic schmassic” because i’m not all that creative with playlist names (half of my playlist are just a part of my heartthrobs series)

17.) Make a reference to an inside joke you have with someone you love with zero context.

thanksgiving leftovers @areallyoldblog

18.) What is a message you would give your younger self if given the chance?

you’re going to go through stuff that sucks. when you get through it, i don’t want you to try to go back to being the person you were before any of that stuff happened. you should never be the same person more than once. keep learning, keep growing, keep becoming better than you were yesterday. also, don’t date keith.

19.) Who is your favorite family member? (If you have no good blood family members, feel free to mention someone in your found family)

it’s not that i necessarily hate a lot of my family, i just don’t like a lot of them. there’s not a single one that i can pick out and say, yeah, that one is the best one.

so i’ll go with found family. @areallyoldblog, thanks for being the cool sister i never had.

20.) What’s a secret dream of yours?

finding someone who actually loves me back and marrying the fuck out of them.

#tag game #if this seems sad it's because i'm i a mood for no fucking reason #personal #i was tagged on both of my blogs but i'm posting it on this one

[niktizzy]

*~feeling nostalgic for myspace surveys~* 

1) Sexuality?

Straight

2) If you could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?

This is probably a lame answer but, I think Gronk would be cool to hang with

3) Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 23, give me line 17.

So this is embarrassing, I don’t have any books upstairs yet 

4) What do you think about most?

Work, money, why do people make noise when their running away from a killer in a horror movie or run upstairs

5) What does your latest text message from someone else say?

“Aye can you order me 2 chicken tacos “

6) Do you sleep with or without clothes on?

Depends on my mood and what season it is lol

7) What’s your strangest talent?

I have a rather good green thumb

8) Girls…. (finish the sentence); Boys…. (finish the sentence)

Girls are beautiful 

Boys are back in town

9) Ever had a poem or song written about you?

Not that I know of

10) When is the last time you played the air guitar?

Probably a year or so, I really want to dive back into it though

11) Do you have any strange phobias?

I just like to have things clean and not cluttered but my car and room are a bit messy lol 

12) Ever stuck a foreign object up your nose?

I have a hoop in my nose

13) What’s your religion?

I guess like a Christian? Idk, I have my own beliefs

14) If you are outside, what are you most likely doing?

Working 

15) Do you prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?

Behind it 100% 

16) Simple but extremely complex. Favorite band?

Oof, at the moment, either Belmont or Trash Boat. All time has to be either Neck Deep or Blink

17) What was the last lie you told?

I’m fine

18) Do you believe in karma?

A B S O L U T L E Y 

19) What does your URL mean?

Nothing really, just my screen name, which is my wanna be rap name lol

20) What is your greatest weakness; your greatest strength?

Very trusting is my weakness. My greatest strength is honestly keeping up walls and head strong

21) Who is your celebrity crush?

Michael B. Jordan

22) Have you ever gone skinny dipping?

Lol a lonnnnng time ago

23) How do you vent your anger?

I usually just bottle it up or I talk to my dad

24) Do you have a collection of anything?

I use to collect snow globs but now I seem to just collect house stuff lol. I want to start collecting dvds or like plants? Idk lol

25) Do you prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online?

I love talking on the phone tbh

26) Are you happy with the person you’ve become?

So far, yes. I am proud of the person I have become but I’m still growing

27) What’s a sound you hate; sound you love?

VELCRO I HATE THAT SOUND. Waves crashing and thunderstorms are my go to sounds

28) What’s your biggest “what if”?

What if I never went to college and just got experience 

29) Do you believe in ghosts? How about aliens?

Spirits and yes, absolutely 

30) Stick your right arm out; what do you touch first? Do the same with your left arm.

My coffee and nothing I’m on my couch haha

31) Smell the air. What do you smell?

This amazing candle from yankee candle

32) What’s the worst place you have ever been to?

Toledo lol nah but really

33) Choose East Coast or West Coast?

West Coast

34) Most attractive singer of your opposite gender?

Thousand Below’s singer is hot af

35) To you, what is the meaning of life?

I have a multiple of ideals, we are born to die is one. The other is to go through life and learning and developing different ways to survive so in the next life, you have a better transition. But again, who knows  

36) Define Art.

Something you feel 

37) Do you believe in luck?

Yes

38) What’s the weather like right now?

FREEZING COLD

39) What time is it?

12:40pm

40) Do you drive? If so, have you ever crashed?

I do, when I was like 17. I was going 5mph, women ran a red light, boom

41) What was the last book you read?

The Amityville Horror

42) Do you like the smell of gasoline?

Love it

43) Do you have any nicknames?

Nik

44) What was the last movie you saw?

Halloweentown

45) What’s the worst injury you’ve ever had?

Any of my broken bones lol

46) Have you ever caught a butterfly?

Not really

47) Do you have any obsessions right now?

Finding horror movie posters lol

48) What’s your sexual orientation?

Heterosexual 

49) Ever had a rumor spread about you?

Oh yeah lol

50) Do you believe in magic?

I honestly do 

51) Do you tend to hold grudges against people who have done you wrong?

Sadly I do

52) What is your astrological sign?

Libra

53) Do you save money or spend it?

Save it, I only go to work and pay bills and get food

54) What’s the last thing you purchased?

Groceries 

55) Love or lust?

We are all hoping for love and we usually get lust lol

56) In a relationship?

Nah

57) How many relationships have you had?

Real ones? A handful 

58) Can you touch your nose with your tongue?

Nope lol

59) Where were you yesterday?

I was at work all day 

60) Is there anything pink within 10 feet of you?

Nope

61) Are you wearing socks right now?

No

62) What’s your favorite animal?

The hammer head shark

63) What is your secret weapon to get someone to like you?

I tried flirting, but I think just being relatable or being myself

64) Where is your best friend?

Lauren

65) Spit or swallow?(;

Neither

66) What is your heritage?

Native American and Irish 

67) What were you doing last night at 12 AM?

Sleeping, I was OUT

68) What do you think is Satan’s last name?

I feel like he doesn’t have one, it’s kind of like Cher 

69) Be honest. Ever gotten yourself off?

No one else is going to do it lol

70) Are you the kind of friend you would want to have as a friend?

I mean yeah, I think I’m pretty cool

71) You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late one more time you get fired. What do you do?

Grab the dog and take him to work with me, it’s like a doctors slip but you know, it’s a dog

72) You are at the doctor’s office and she has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. a) Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? b) What do you do with your remaining days? c) Would you be afraid?

a) I wouldn’t tell anyone

b) I would continue living but spend more time with people that matter and just make sure everything and everyone is taken care of

73) You can only have one of these things; trust or love.

Love

74) What’s a song that always makes you happy when you hear it?

Gold Steps- Neck Deep or Faithfully- Journey

75) What are the last four digits in your cell phone number?

****

76) In your opinion, what makes a great relationship?

What makes things work is having similar interest. Most of my relationships were just awful because they were either wayyy into left field with my interest or didn’t even have the same ones all together. I think you need to be each others best friends, be able to be comfortable with each others company 

77) How can I win your heart?

Tacos, beer, horror movies, sports

78) Can insanity bring on more creativity?

All signs point to yes

79) What is the single best decision you have made in your life so far?

Putting myself before anyone else

80) What size shoes do you wear?

Depends on the shoe, most of the time 9.5

81) What would you want to be written on your tombstone?

Believe with UFO’s on it

82) What is your favorite word?

Cowabunga 

83) Give me the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word; heart.

A bloody mess that keeps you alive in your chest cavity 

84) What is a saying you say a lot?

Honestly, literally, fook, fuck, dude

85) What’s the last song you listened to?

I was listening to this playlist https://open.spotify.com/user/spotify/playlist/37i9dQZF1DX3MU5XUozve7?si=SS24TA9sTG6L5bFZ8W_feQ

86) Basic question; what’s your favorite color/colors?

If you look in my closet it’s mostly black, gray, and maroon. I’m trying to like mustard but eh 

87) What is your current desktop picture?

Desert 

88) If you could press a button and make anyone in the world instantaneously explode, who would it be?

Someone from my past

89) What would be a question you’d be afraid to tell the truth on?

Why do you were a mask every time you step out of your house?

90) One night you wake up because you heard a noise. You turn on the light to find that you are surrounded by MUMMIES. The mummies aren’t really doing anything, they’re just standing around your bed. What do you do?

Keep the light on because it’s obviously a full moon and they live from the moon light and try to find an exit quietly 

91) You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What is that power?

Jumper aka teleportation 

92) You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again?

Warped tour 2011

93) You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?

No comment

94) You have the opportunity to sleep with the music-celebrity of your choice. Who would it be?

OOOOF probably Winston McCall 

95) You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go?

Australia 

96) Do you have any relatives in jail?

Not that I know of

97) Have you ever thrown up in the car?

Not that I remember

98) Ever been on a plane?

Yes only 2 times

99) If the whole world were listening to you right now, what would you say?

STOP GIVING A FUCK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE, MIND YA BUSINESS AND GRIND 

#myspace survey #survey #truths

[hereitalkonandon]

And what about it.

I saw your "And what about it” post, you are so talented. I was being serious but then I remembered the quote "Oh clown you are so talented, please release us", I don't even watch that show, not because I think it's bad or anything, I have never tried it and I actually want to try it eventually, in a few years.

So I thought it could look like I was joking and I wasn't, but this also makes me think of the first two letters or so that I wrote to you. I would picture you thinking "Oh clown you are so talented, please release me" and I would laugh, I still think that but not as often.

I think I mostly listen to popular music too, but I thought I could end up just recommending you songs that you already knew of or that you would find sooner or later.

Back when I was so into Jaime and Cersei (and I would still be so into them if it weren't because I'm numb towards them, I don't want to maybe accept that he will murder her and all of that but I sort of feel like he will and gave up already, and you know all of this of course) A Strange Education made me think of them but it was mostly some imaginary version of what would happen after the fifth book or the very end if it were up to me.

Yeah I've seen your Spotify because of the ask, I don't have one, I just have an account to spy on my ex-girlfriend once in a while and see if she adds anything. I only found out about it because she made a playlist and posted it on Facebook when we broke up. So I saw you had Every night by Imagine Dragons, that one would make me think of the third book ever since I found it.

I found A Strange Education, most of the songs that I sent you, back in 2009, so, it used to make me think of my relationship probably. I tend to recycle songs and as long as they are vague enough they just make me think of the ship I currently like the most. Jaime and Cersei were at one point my favorite thing ever.

It's sad that actually I've never been entirely happy about any ship and the one time I was, I'm almost sure of how it will end. Oh, well, I've just noticed how I started talking about this again, guess it shows how it was a part of me. Since I haven't read a lot of books A Feast for Crows is still my favorite book, that will change if he murders her so I can't say which one will be my favorite, but it won't be one by George Martin if he does that.

I told you I was your age once or twice, but I turned 28 this November, I didn't want to be so specific and I knew I wasn't that much older either, so I always figured "I'm your age" wasn't technically a lie, but though I'm not hitting on you, since I'm talking about age gaps, I would never hit on anyone even two years younger if I were into hitting on people, so that's also why I didn't care about not saying my age at first, it doesn't actually make a difference.

Maybe that's exaggerating, but I would feel like a pig. That said I wouldn't judge a man for thinking differently. I actually always wished my ex-girlfriend could be a year or two older than me. Not that much older, so I didn't feel like she was going to die sooner but, just to go against this belief that a man should strive to be with someone younger.

I'm not disgusted when a 60 years old wants to marry a 20 year old, as long as he believes is true love. But I'm disgusted by men that keep jumping from one young girl to another, I know it's legal, but it makes me uncomfortable. For that reason I always find it a good thing when men are with older women and I enjoy that now it happens often.

I hope you don't feel like I lied to you but I also understand if you felt like I was a child and wanted to help me and now see that I'm stupid and you are done. In 2009, I was having all this drama with my ex-girlfriend already and you were an actual child, I often think of that.

We met in May or June of 2005 when she was 13 and I was 14, it took me about a month or three to fall in love with her, right after we met, now I don't know how much she ever got to love me but she's the one that told me she loved me first, some days after she turned 14 and I was 15.

We had a misunderstanding, I thought she was joking, I was pretty mean about it, I already loved her, of course, but I didn't say anything, I kept being rude for a week or two, I was frustrated. So, we avoided talking about it for over three years and we were best friends until she told me she loved me once again, by then I had spent all that time always jealous and angry, and sorry I didn't know how to handle it the first time so I told her everything and she knew I was telling the truth because it added up, I would get angry out of nowhere when she was telling me about men.

 I would throw tantrums but never say what it was about, it was really obvious. She left when I was 24, but the thing is I've felt like this ever since I was 14, half my age,  that's why I know your situation and mine are different and why I can actually feel hope that you will be alright.

My age was just because of this whole anonymity thing. Now I don't mind telling you everything because I figured that even if you somehow figured out who I am, not that you think about it or that there was anything remarkable about it and you have many memories of other things, you could just not acknowledge it if you don't want to, and that's actually what it is all about.

 And yes, I was thinking about my pride but I always do, in all sort of situations, what bothered me the most was putting you in some situation that could make you uncomfortable, I know you don't tend to enjoy when men talk to you online if you don't find them attractive because you've mentioned it often on your blog.

The point is that I can say whatever I want, really, you'll never magically be in that situation if I don't directly say who I am, the only reason I don't say my name, not that you need it, and even if I'm sure it wouldn't change anything.

But it's also the fact that I feel like eventually you won't have anything else to say to me and it will be less awkward for you this way when you suddenly stop or say goodbye to me, not that I'm implying that it would be awkward for you. It's just that, you didn't ask for this, I'm the one that kept cheeking on you even if I wasn't doing anything wrong, but the thing is, since it was all my doing, I feel responsible for avoiding that kind of situation for you.

And now just completely ignore all these parts about anonymity, I was just explaining why at first I was acting stupid and hiding things and now I don't care about it, and you don't even have to mention that you don't know who I am, I know you don't. I'm just saying I don't actually care.

I also feel that maybe you would enjoy having me not be an actual person and that the only reason you would feel like giving me a face and a name would be out of politeness, and if so, it doesn't bother me at all and I don't see why not keep it this way then, I just enjoy that we talk.

I understand what you mean, because I've been well aware that you have a sister for the longest time and she isn't real to me, your parents are, but somehow your sister isn't. But that's not just when it comes to you, whenever I haven't met someone's siblings, I can't see them as real people. I'm sure it's because I don't have any siblings, so it's so foreign to me. It's not the same, but I get what it's like to struggle to think of someone as real.

The craziest thing about siblings, is that I'm always so shocked that people have a whole life that has nothing to do with their siblings, because even when I think about my mom, how she has a whole life that I am not a part of, it seems so unreal.

I don't just cry reading your letters though, I cry when I'm writing to you too of course, but I sometimes find myself crying for no reason and I think it's because you are like art to me. Art sometimes makes me feel like crying, not always, but when it's really good. But another reason that you make me cry is that I have been feeling so many things that I kept pushing away these fours years or maybe I didn't even need to push them away, I don't think so. I couldn't even begin to understand, but I know a psychologist wasn't going to work on me.

Because I didn't even want to fix this, I'm still not sure I want to, I think I don't want to. I don't believe in them anyway. I know they work, but not for me, and of course that a lot of people would argue, but telling someone a lot about me for years even, someone that I can't relate to, no matter how much they have studied, no, I know myself too well, I'm sure it wouldn't work.

It’s the fact that I can relate to you somehow, that helped me, there are so many people so it's not crazy to think that some of them could do the same thing, but I've known hundreds anyway, as antisocial as I've been, and I have seen so many people talk on the internet. There's a reason I ended up checking on you and that I didn't do that with anyone else, it's the sort of thing that makes me truly feel how little I can relate to people. However briefly we will probably get to talk to each other.

So it's still something so meaningful. i just specify this to not look like an idiot and a liar saying that only you could help me, I don't know that, it would be crazy and I don't even want to help myself, it's just happening.

I saw your post once, "men that need a therapist" "me", they were sharks and she was touching them. And these days I've been feeling so stupid because that's exactly what I've been acting like, and in all honestly if I had been able to, back then I would have chosen to do the opposite and just pay attention to what you told me, and I do, and I try to focus on that, but when I answer you I end up talking about me anyway. Maybe it makes sense because I can't really use anyone else's experiences as an example. And because I like writing to you but can't think of any other topic but me as much as it annoys me that I always end up doing that.

What you said about my instincts, fighting them, I did for most of the days that we have been writing to each other, I was so uncomfortable feeling everything I was feeling, for years I haven't felt anything but romantic love, I think I'm feeling love towards my family once again, I never stopped feeling it towards animals, but I couldn't feel anything for people other than worry and pity, I was so damaged by my break up.

And I know I'm barely a person to you. But I was constantly thinking about what I was doing, that it was wrong, that I was well aware that I could only interact with the people that for better or for worse already knew me before my break up, and with my ex-girlfriend.

That I would hurt anyone else because I always put her first. And I knew it was so stupid, I spend a lot of time writing to you usually, and I'm thankful for the time you spend on me but I knew it wasn't the same, that there's no way I could hurt you. But I would still feel so bad, for pretending to be a person, everything I say is true and everything I feel, but I knew I wasn't a normal person anymore, normal people feel other things towards other people, their feelings towards mankind aren't reduced to romantic love towards one person and worry and pity towards the rest of people, the ones deserving those things, also, not just for anyone. But I love talking to you, so I wasn't going to stop as long as you kept doing it, and I've slowly started gaining as many as four feelings towards other people, the ones I used to love before she left.

And as I've said, I don't even know if it's what I want. I knew it wasn't a good thing, to barely feel anything towards them, but I knew it wasn't my fault so I have never felt bad about this. I just rarely think of it. I think a part of me, most of me, wants to stay shattered, so I never have to truly care about anyone other than her, I've been living being angered and hurt by her for half my life now, that it seems like something I have to live with forever.

But it's appealing to stay like that, to not have to feel other things that could hurt me on top of that. Nothing would hurt me as much as she does but when something bad happens to an animal I feel like dying, and why would I want to feel like dying when something bad happens to some people too.

But I just tell you this to better explain the kind of things I often end up rambling about, that I can't understand many things, that I've been feeling so many things. That I've always truly enjoyed isolation, that it has nothing to do with merely talking to anyone at all but with relating to someone for once, and it could suddenly stop, realize I don't relate to you any longer, though it wouldn't make much sense, but these days I have felt like that.

So I'd think ''why are you answering her, tell her, apologize" but I would sort of know I'm not doing anything wrong despite how uncomfortable it made me feel so I would say "And what about it" and each time it felt less uncomfortable. Not to share things, that never made me feel odd. But to get to know someone, to keep it going. It's not about not wanting to feel because I want to avoid being hurt, that's what people often do, I was saying it's a perk when you don't feel many things.

But I know that what caused this and what keeps causing it, is actually, that the feelings about losing my ex-girlfriend are so big that everything else became meaningless to the point of even being unable to feel anything for others but pity and worry. And even if you leave, now I know that if I ever want it back, it's still inside me, it's been coming back anyway, I don't push it away but I don't encourage it either. In a way I always knew, even if I never allowed myself to think about it. But now I'm sure, and even if I spend the rest of my life like this because I am a moron. I like knowing it’s my choice, that I am choosing to be trash, but that my feelings aren't forcing me to. That I am the one choosing to stay like this.

And this is why people pay a therapist but I have been getting better accidentally and as I've said that wouldn't work but I never actually wanted to fix that, and it's stupid to tell you all of this, because with what I've been saying, I know you can't relate to that. But it has to do with you so I don't feel as bad making you read everything. I know it's not like I can be as useful to you, but before this all I honestly would think was that it would be nice to be there and just let you talk about your things and problems. 

But I'm writing a letter so it's different, but also great because it probably makes it easier for me to just say whatever I feel and not hide it. I'm only saying that it has never been my intention to use you to whine, it's just sort of my main conversation but also that if you did the same I wouldn't mind and I enjoy whatever you say, just because I finally relate to someone.

What you say about becoming barren, ordinary, isn't it because you put up with some things that you shouldn't? Things that you would normally criticize on your blog. I'm not sure if you put up with things that you wouldn't if you were entirely free to do whatever you wanted without any consequences. And if so, I don't see why? I understand that you can't behave in certain ways around men because they are trash and you want to stay alive.

But I don't see why you should put up with things that aren't about life or death. So if I were you I would never keep anything to myself about disliking something, about not agreeing with something. Maybe you are already like that most of the time, but if you stop being that way two times out of nine, I don't see why not try to do it just one time out of ten.

So let's say a man that you are attracted to says something stupid, just don't keep it to yourself so he doesn't run away or so you don't lose points or something, say it, it doesn't matter if you are just meeting him and you are saving that for later, say it that same day, if they leave they are not worth it. I once saw a post that made me think of this. When men try to compliment you by saying you are more masculine, but implying that feminine is bad so you are good. And you said something like wishing you didn't have to put up with, it made me think that you could do that sometimes. 

I don't know what you actually do or don't but what I think you should do is to always be yourself but fully, it doesn't matter if you come across as rude, and to always say what you want and what you dislike. All of this as long as you are not putting your life at risk. 

And my point is that, while maybe most people would get away from you because you are a woman, the ones that approached you wouldn't be that ordinary. I say because you are a woman, because if you take Cersei Lannister, and I've already seen this on your blog too, it's something obvious, most people hate her, but if she were a man a lot of people would love her. 

But I'm just thinking of the worst case scenario, you are not murdering anyone so people have no reason to dislike you. I'm just saying all of this because I've seen that women that are the way that you express yourself on your blog when you are having an attitude, are disliked by most men and by some women. I'm just guessing, but as I said, if you are somehow trying to tone down who you are you shouldn't and everyone that doesn't like it should go to hell, you are a proud person and even if you are insecure in some ways, you can't be that proud without also really loving yourself. It doesn't matter if only four people like who you are in the end. And that's ridiculous, it wouldn't be just four people.

Or maybe you meant that it was because of your depression, that you never put up with anything but that you just don't have the motivation to do a lot of things. And then it still wouldn't be your fault. It's not who you are always going to be, but if that's how you feel now, it's who you are right now, and you are still an interesting person and a deep person, and you shouldn't be trying to show people that in order for them to see it.

I'm not saying that you do it, more that maybe you mean you should and it's your fault because you don't try. I think the problem is that you are a special person so obviously most people aren't and they don't notice it. But I understand that you mean that the people that you find special, you don't feel like they notice you, to that I would say such is life. I felt like that when it came to you, I still do. And it's just as I said, I love talking to you, but it's "and what about it" if you don't and if they don't when it comes to you. Someone will eventually, no matter how long it takes and at least you are able to fully feel love towards your friends and your family while that happens. 

I don't mean that you shouldn't complain about this, you should complain whenever you don't like something. What I mean is that you don't need anyone that doesn't need you. You don't need to be approached by anyone that doesn't want to approach you and if they don't notice you it's their loss and I know you know that. I do too, about me. People this proud are messed up. The difference is I don't really mind being alone and I know you do, but they are still not worth worrying about.

And it's not that you deserve to have that boyfriend, though he is probably an okay guy, is that you happen to enjoy his company, that there isn't anyone else you want to be with anyway, that you enjoy dating. So why shouldn't you. You just enjoy it for as long as it lasts.

Or maybe you would want to date the other guy if you could? I don't see what's stopping you and you already know he is interested. The only thing that worried me when I read about him on your blog, is that a lot of men often pretend to understand someone just to mostly have their company until they get tired but also to have sex a couple of times, to pretend they want something serious and they only want fun, even if their idea of fun is a year or two.

I don't know if that's what's stopping you, if so, then maybe you are right, I know most men are trash. So you shouldn't blame yourself for knowing something that it's so obvious even if you are wrong about him, you can't know that. But if that isn't what you worry about, then I don't see what's stopping you.

When you break up with your boyfriend, because obviously you are not going to stay with him forever if you don't feel like it regardless of how much you feel like maybe you wouldn't mind settling forever, he will suffer anyway. So, I don't see the difference in leaving him now or leaving him years later, if anything the sooner the better for him, that way he wouldn't suffer as much. And you could be unhappy if it ends to soon with the other guy, like you made a mistake, but if you do decide to leave your boyfriend, it's because you can afford that, like what happened with Victor.

I feel like some people would say what I'm telling you is wrong, your boyfriend likely too, but I truly don't see how it is a good thing for him even, a woman with less depth than you would obviously think the world of him. And it's probably all the same for him as long as he is loved back, but you know the difference, you know it would actually be better if the one who was with him thought he was the best man to ever live. 

Of course I told you all of that assuming that maybe that's the problem lately, but perhaps you don't care that much for the other guy, I just try to guess.

I also told you before that you wouldn't be able to stop yourself, if you were really meant to be with the other guy, so maybe you won't, maybe you are about to go for him, if it's just your boyfriend stopping you. The thing that made me hesitant about him, too, is that I felt like maybe he was somehow flirting with you, just him not you, suggesting you should date him. Things like that. And I felt that if he had good intentions he would feel bad about doing that. But I know nothing about him other than that and maybe he just subtly implied he likes you, I guess most men would do that and then I don't know what to make of it.

Of course that your ex-boyfriend leaving you changed so many things about you, but maybe it's also because you've been growing up, and the longer you live in this world, and at your age, you were obviously going to become a bit disenchanted as you turned into an adult. It doesn't mean the world is an ugly place, but most people change a lot and lose a lot of fantasies as they get older, when they know more about pain and injustice and all those things.

While I'm sure that it traumatized you, maybe it would be giving him too much credit to say he changed most things about you. This last year I've changed, probably for the best, but the thing is I don't think that had anything to do with her or with anyone, as obsessed as I am with her.

So to me it wouldn't be crazy that some of the things were taken away by the world and not by him, and that would be a good thing. That he didn't have that much power, I understand though that even if that were the case what happened with him damaged you. 

But what you said about me eventually looking for love, I'm just dumb and I don't find it romantic if I have to look for it. I know you do, that it doesn't matter how you find it. But being an idiot, it would feel that maybe I forced it to happen because I wanted to find it. Maybe I would wonder if I'm still meant to eventually meet someone else out of nowhere, as it was "supposed " to happen or to get back with my ex-girlfriend.

And the good thing about my views on looking for love, is that if my ex-girlfriend ever comes back, it's extremely likely that I'll be single and I won't have to make a mess to leave the other person. 

But if I do meet someone, if I get over her as unlikely as it sounds, it would mean I really was meant to. I can't imagine a stronger sign. Avoiding it, not looking for it, not even wanting to move on, and doing it anyway. That way I would be sure of it, never wonder if it was wishful thinking or if that wasn't really the love of my life and I should still wait for it.

I didn't notice anything odd with the spacing, but even if I did it wouldn't make your letters harder to read, the words are there just the same, so you shouldn't pay it any mind if you ever do, maybe just to practice your writing but not because of me.

I know what you mean about being too sleepy though even if I haven't slept properly in about two weeks now, not a single night, I remember this one time that I was falling asleep as I was editing a letter for you, almost ready to publish it, but I could barely open my eyes, it's a good memory, I don't remember ever doing that, because I've barely sent letters through my life even if I love it, so I never happened to be that tired while writing.

As a matter of fact the same thing ended up happening today after I was editing this though I didn’t know it would yet when I wrote the last part, so if it looks too stupid it’s because I’ve been falling asleep for over two hours.

[adrianna-m-scovill]

By Chance

This started as a fulfillment of a request but then got a little self-indulgent. There are a lot of song lyrics. I created a Spotify playlist featuring the versions of the songs that most closely resemble the arrangements I imagine in the fic (except for one song, "Tougher than the Rest" - the original Springsteen version is in the playlist because the one I wanted wasn't available. If you want a reference, though, you can find it on YouTube: Darren Hayes's cover of the song.)

Also, in this fic, The Undiscovered Country episode didn't happen, alright? I honestly wasn't sure if this was going to be before that episode, after it, or just an AU where it didn't happen, but by the time I got to the end, it seemed to fit with the emotional episodes leading up to Country, so I feel like maybe this episode happened, you know, INSTEAD of that. ;)

On AO3

Rated Mature, approx. 6400 words

I promise he’s not a weirdo, Rollins had said, and Benson kept playing the words over in her head. So far, the assessment felt accurate. He seemed normal. Nice. He held open both her car door and the door of the restaurant, and he pulled out her chair.

If they decided to go on a second date, she would tell him he needn’t bother with some of the niceties—but for a first date, she wasn’t going to fault him for his consideration. They were nice gestures, and she appreciated the thoughtfulness. All through dinner, he’d been polite, attentive, engaging. Funny. He was attractive, intelligent.

She was having a nice time, but there was something holding her back from really enjoying herself. She wanted to find something wrong with him, but she didn’t think he was the problem. It had been with reluctance that she’d allowed Rollins to arrange the blind date in the first place, and now she was wondering why she’d given in.

Nevertheless, she was determined to give him a chance. He’d taken her out for a nice dinner, and had even asked if it bothered her if he paid the bill. Rollins had vouched for him, everything about him seemed nice and normal, and it had been a long time since Benson had been out on a date—especially a first date.

If he invited her back to his place, she thought she would probably say yes—assuming it didn’t seem as though he were more emotionally invested than she was. She did find him attractive, and knew that it was mutual. He was a doctor, and she was sure they could both stand to blow off a little steam.

Her job, while always stressful and often disheartening, had been especially trying over the past few weeks. She and her squad had dealt with one horrible case after another. Barba had been doing an admirable job of piling up convictions but there always seemed to be another scumbag waiting to crawl from the woodwork. Often, it felt like a never-ending battle, and she couldn’t exactly go home and discuss the stresses of her day with her son.

She couldn’t discuss them with her date, either, but that was alright. He didn’t need to know the details; he understood stress and responsibility, and he thought he understood some of the horrors she’d seen; as a doctor, he’d often seen the aftermath of the violence with which she dealt. He didn’t really understand, of course; he couldn’t. But a partial understanding was better than none at all.

After dinner, when he asked if she wanted to go somewhere for drinks, she agreed without hesitation. More alcohol would help. They took a cab to a small bar of which she’d never heard, and she was glad. She’d been to so many of the city’s bars, investigating assaults, and she didn’t need those memories when she was already struggling to compartmentalize.

If she hadn’t agreed to go on this blind date, she’d probably already be half-drunk in Forlini’s with Barba. He’d asked her if she wanted to get a drink—which never actually meant one drink—but she’d already let Rollins set up the blind date.

She heard the piano as soon as they walked into the bar, and realized that there was live music. She wouldn’t have guessed, based on how small and obscure the place seemed to be. The pianist was playing “Let It Be,” and Benson offered her date a smile as he helped her out of her jacket.

When the pianist started singing, though, she hesitated, frowning. There was something instantly familiar about the voice, something that immediately drew her attention and made her turn her head toward the piano tucked into the far corner of the bar. She couldn’t see the singer, though, and she stepped away from her date, barely remembering he was there, trying to get a clear view past the group of women huddled near one of the tables.

Benson had just been thinking about Barba as she walked into the bar, and when she first caught sight of the singing pianist, she was half-convinced her mind was playing tricks on her. It couldn’t actually be him; rather, it must be someone who looked like him, and because she’d already been thinking his name—

But, no. It was him. Rafael Barba, ADA, playing the piano and singing a Beatles song in the back of a small, dimly-lit, off-the-map bar. He was wearing black pants and a white shirt, unbuttoned at the collar; he hadn’t changed his clothes after work, he’d simply removed half of the suit.

He didn’t look up while he sang into the microphone. His eyes seemed to be focused on the top of the piano, near his glass of scotch, and his thoughts seemed to be far away from the bar and its patrons.

“Olivia?” her date asked, and she turned, startled to see him holding out her chair.

“Sorry,” she said, giving her head a little shake. “Uh, do you mind if we sit over here?” she asked, pointing to a nearby table from which she’d have a better view of the piano.

“Sure,” he said, taking her jacket from the back of the chair and moving it to the other table. She seated herself and let him scoot her chair in, but her eyes had already returned to Barba. He had transitioned into another song. He wasn’t singing, but watching his own fingers play across the keys with a small frown knitting his brow.

She recognized the melody, but without vocals she couldn’t quite place it. She looked at her date. “What song is this?” she asked.

“‘Moon River,’” he said. She nodded, her gaze sliding back to Barba. He played beautifully, but she found herself longing to hear him continue singing. She’d never once heard him sing in all the years she’d known him, before tonight, and she was still having trouble believing it was really him. “I’ve seen him here a few times. He’s good. Plays a wide range of stuff, classical, jazz, show tunes, Springsteen. Last time I was here, he played ‘Just a Closer Walk with Thee’ and ‘The Old Rugged Cross’—nobody here seemed to notice or mind that he was playing church hymns. He sort of blends into the background, but I think he likes it that way.”

Benson nodded, unable to come up with anything to say. She felt suddenly emotional. Part of her wanted to go over there and put her arm around her friend. Part of her wanted to sneak out of the bar so he wouldn’t know she’d seen him.

“I’m going to run to the restroom, if a waitress comes could you get me a whiskey?”

Benson nodded, barely glancing at her date.

Barba finished ‘Moon River’ and reached for his drink. She thought he might glance around the room, but he didn’t. He swallowed half of his scotch, returned the glass to the top of the piano, and put his fingers over the keys. She watched him, fascinated. He hesitated. She saw him close his eyes and take a deep breath, and then he started playing.

When he started singing, her heart stumbled in her chest.

“There’s a grief that can’t be spoken…There’s a pain goes on and on…Empty chairs at empty tables…now my friends are dead and gone…”

She vaguely recognized the song as being from Les Miserables, although that was a surprise in itself; she knew almost nothing about musical theater, a fact that had exasperated Barba almost as frequently as her lack of recognition of his obscure literature quotes.

The source of the song didn’t matter, though. What mattered was the rawness in Barba’s voice. In years of working together, in years of friendship, she’d seen his eyes shimmering with tears. She’d heard his voice crack with emotion. She’d seen his face flushed with anger. She’d seen him close to losing control.

You and I are done talking, she thought, wincing at the painful memory.

She’d seen him close to losing control, yes, but she’d never seen his control actually break. And she had never heard him like this.

“Here they talked of revolution. Here it was, they lit the flame. Here they sang about tomorrow, and tomorrow never came.”

As he continued singing, she barely noticed the lyrics; the words were unimportant. Here, in a room surrounded by twenty or so strangers, Barba had sequestered himself in a corner with a piano—and laid his heart bare. He seemed unaware of the people listening to him, and yet he’d flayed himself open before them, allowing them to see a side of him that Benson had only been shown glimpses of in six years.

She wasn’t hurt or offended by that. She’d never fully let her guard down, either. Their walls were part of who they were. They shared that in common and recognized their similarities.

The pain she was feeling wasn’t because she was upset that he’d never let her see this much of his emotion; her heartache was for him. Watching him, hearing the pain in his voice—a pain not even directly related to the lyrics—made her want nothing more than to be able to comfort him.

“Oh, my friends, my friends, forgive me, that I live and you are gone. There’s a grief that can’t be spoken. There’s a pain goes on and on. Phantom faces at the window, phantom shadows on the floor. Empty chairs at empty tables, where my friends will meet no more. My friends, my friends, don’t ask me, what your sacrifice was for—”

Benson thought of all the faces she’d seen twisted in pain, all the families she’d seen torn apart. She thought of the grief and trauma that she and Barba had witnessed in just the past couple of weeks. She knew exactly what he was feeling, and her own heart was breaking in response to the crack in his voice.

She didn’t realize she was crying until her date appeared beside her. “Are you okay?” he asked.

She looked up, startled, blinking his face into focus. “Oh. Yeah.” She shook her head and swiped at her tears, suddenly self-conscious. “Just…the song, I guess.”

He nodded, but he looked unconvinced. He was regarding her carefully, and she resisted the urge to fidget. “I’m going to go get drinks,” he said, since no one had come to take an order.

“Okay,” she said, her gaze sliding to Barba as the last note of the song ended.

Barba was looking at her, and she felt a jolt of awareness as their eyes met. He seemed stunned to see her, and for a moment, neither of them moved or breathed.

“Do you want wine?”

“What? Oh.” No, she definitely needed something stronger. “I’ll take a scotch,” she said, on impulse, even though she wasn’t a fan of the stuff. Barba looked from her to her date. She saw him swallow. He reached for his glass and downed the rest of his drink without looking at her, returning it to the piano with a small clunk. “Can you do me a favor and have one sent to—the piano player, too? Neat.”

“Sure,” her date answered, still studying her with a strange look on his face.

She met his eyes and forced a smile. “Thanks,” she said. As soon as he’d turned away, however, her eyes were back on Barba.

Barba wasn’t looking at her, but she could see that he’d been affected by her presence. He was frowning at the keys. His shoulders were hunched, and he seemed unsure of what to play as his fingers hovered over the ivory. She felt guilty for having thrown him off his game. If this was the place that he came to feel safe and comfortable, to let off steam, then she didn’t want to be responsible for ruining that for him. She thought about asking her date if they could leave—either find another bar, or call it an evening.

“The world was on fire, and no one could save me but you,” Barba started, in a low voice, and she couldn’t breathe. “It’s strange what desire will make foolish people do. I never dreamed that I’d meet somebody like you. And I never dreamed that I’d lose somebody like you. No, I don’t wanna fall in love. No, I don’t wanna fall in love, with you…What a wicked game you played, to make me feel this way. What a wicked thing to do, to let me dream of you. What a wicked thing to say, you never felt this way. What a wicked thing to do, to make me dream of you and I wanna fall in love. No, I wanna fall in love with you.”

He didn’t look at her once during the song, but she couldn’t tear her eyes away from him—from his defensive posture, to the scowl on his face, to the way his fingers played across the keys.

As he was finishing the song, a waitress walked up and set a fresh glass of scotch on the piano, taking his empty glass. She murmured something to him, gesturing behind herself, and Barba’s gaze followed the gesture toward Benson’s date—who was setting her scotch on their table. Her date tipped his whiskey in a silent salute, and Barba nodded once in acknowledgement, still frowning, before turning his attention back to the piano.

“It’s not simple to say, but most days I don’t recognize me. These shoes and this apron, that place and its patrons, have taken more than I gave them. It’s not easy to know I’m not anything like I used to be, although it’s true I was never attention’s sweet center—”

“Interesting choice,” Benson’s date said, and she looked at him. He was sitting beside her; she hadn’t noticed him sitting down. Catching her eyes, he smiled and, gesturing toward Barba with his whiskey glass, said, “It’s from the musical, Waitress? I’ve heard some male singers do it on YouTube.” He hesitated. “I’m guessing you don’t spend much time on YouTube, though?”

With a small laugh, she shook her head. “No,” she agreed. “And I don’t know much about musical theater.”

“She’s imperfect, but she tries. She is good, but she lies. She is hard on herself, she is broken and won’t ask for help. She is messy but she’s kind. She is lonely most of the time. She is all of this mixed up and baked in a beautiful pie. She is gone but she used to be mine.”

She might not know the play, or the song, but she knew what Barba was singing about. He was singing about her, but not just her. He was singing about himself, but not just himself. He was singing about both of them. These shoes and this apron, that place and its patrons, have taken more than I gave them. He could be singing about suits and ties, courtrooms and crime scenes, suspects and victims—these were the things that had, over the years, taken bits and pieces from their hearts; these were the things that had led them to add bricks and mortar to their emotional walls.

“Who’ll be reckless, just enough, who’ll get hurt but who learns how to toughen up when she’s bruised and gets used by a man who can’t love…and then she’ll get stuck and be scared of the life that’s inside her—growing stronger each day, ‘til it finally reminds her to fight just a little, to bring back the fire in her eyes that’s been gone…but used to be mine.”

“She—the waitress—is trying to find the courage to leave her husband, and looking back on the dreams—Are you sure you’re alright?”

She blinked back her tears and shook her head.

“We can leave, if you want. I mean…if you’re not—”

“No, it’s good. I’m good,” she said. “I don’t really know the music, but…it’s good,” she repeated, unable to articulate any better than that. She wasn’t sure why she didn’t tell her date that she knew Barba. Maybe she just wanted to protect Barba’s anonymity. Maybe she didn’t want to admit to her own emotional turmoil. Either way, her friendship with Barba felt private, personal—something to be guarded, and she didn’t bother trying to analyze the feeling.

“Okay,” he answered, looking and sounding unsure. She knew she was being unfair to him, and she took a drink of scotch with a grimace. “Do you not like scotch?” he asked.

“It’s fine,” she said. “Do you go to the theater a lot?”

“My grandmother loved only two things as much as her family—Audrey Hepburn, and Broadway. The song he played a bit ago, ‘Moon River,’ I probably heard a thousand times growing up. Breakfast at Tiffany’s was almost always playing. Now this song, is more obscure,” he said, pointing a finger in Barba’s direction. This guy, Ramin Karimloo, he starred in The Phantom of the Opera, he wrote this song for this, like, country music album he did—He sang ‘Edelweiss’ as a country—You know, ‘Edelweiss,’ from The Sound of Music?”

She nodded, but she was only half paying attention. He knew that, of course, even though she was studiously keeping her eyes away from Barba and the piano.

“There are times when I fall through. I can’ t feel the love in you. I know that I’m pushing you away from the man you knew. It’s not always black or white, the gray obscures and blocks the light. So why not paint me red tonight? But I’ve got to feel what’s right. And there you are, you’re losing you in me. And there you are, I’m losing you from me. And there you are, we’re losing you and me.”

“Seems like someone had his heart broken.”

Benson opened her mouth but closed it again without speaking. If he wanted to think that Barba was singing about a break-up, or something similarly trivial in the broad scheme of things, she would let him believe that. She knew better, though. She knew what Barba had seen and heard.

“Whenever I’ve seen him here he seems pretty serious, but he’s more…melancholic than usual.”

The past few weeks have been harder than usual, she thought, remembering the face of the girl whose murderer Barba was currently prosecuting. Benson had had twenty years of seeing similar images. Barba was newer to the horrors, but they were not something a person could ever get used to.

“No, this is not a simple choice. There’s nothing left now to rejoice. Johnny Cash and Jimmy Joyce, speak for me now, use my voice. And there you are—you’re losing you in me. And there you are, I’m losing you from me. And there you are, are we losing you and me?”

She looked at him, she couldn’t help it. Their eyes met. They both reached for their glasses of scotch at the same time, and she drank half of hers quickly, needing the emotional fortitude.

She heard Barba clear his throat near the microphone.

“Well it’s Saturday night. You’re all dressed up in blue. I’ve been watching you awhile, maybe you’ve been watching me, too. So somebody ran out, left somebody’s heart in a mess. Well, if you’re looking for love, honey, I’m tougher than the rest. Some girls want a handsome man, or some good looking Joe. Some folks like a sweet talking Romeo. Around here, baby, I’ve learned you get what you can get. If you’re rough and ready for love, honey, I’m tougher than the rest. The road is dark, and it’s a thin, thin line. But I want you to know, I’d walk it for you any time.” He looked over at her—the first time they’d made eye contact while he was singing—and her heart stumbled in her chest. “Maybe your other boyfriends couldn’t pass the test. But if you’re rough and ready for love, honey, I’m tougher than the rest.”

“This is a Bruce Springsteen song, although I’ve never heard it done like this. Must be somebody’s cover version. I think Shawn Colvin did one…”

“Well, it ain’t no secret, I’ve been around a time or two. Hell, I don’t know, babe, maybe you’ve been around, too. There’s another dance, baby. All you’ve gotta do is say yes. If you’re rough and ready for love, honey, I’m tougher than the rest.”

She swallowed the last of her scotch.

“Do you want another?”

She shook her head. She’d lost her desire to get drunk. “Thanks, I’m…going to run to the bathroom and…maybe we should go?”

He nodded. His expression was solemn, and she knew that she’d ruined whatever connection they might have forged during dinner. It hadn’t been intentional. She’d been determined to give him the attention he deserved, but she’d failed. Ever since walking into the bar, she’d been able to focus on nothing but the man at the piano, the words he was singing, and the emotion in his voice.

She glanced at Barba, who was watching her rise from the table.

He started a Billy Joel song that she recognized, and her stomach fluttered. She looked away, unable to do anything else.

“A bottle of white. A bottle of red. Perhaps a bottle of rosè instead. Get a table near the street, in our old familiar place. You and I, face to face. A bottle of red, a bottle of white. It all depends upon your appetite. I’ll meet you any time you want, in our Italian restaurant.” She was almost to the bathroom when he finished the verse, but instead of continuing the song, he transitioned into a different Billy Joel song, and she hesitated outside the door. “I never ask you where you go after I leave you in the morning. We go our different ways, to separate situations. It’s not that easy, anymore. Today I do what must be done. I give my time to total strangers. But now it feels as though the day goes on forever, more than it ever did before. Until the night, until the night, I just might make it. Until the night, until the night, when I see you again.”

She ducked into the bathroom, thankful no one was inside.

“Now you’re afraid that we have changed, and I’m afraid we’re getting older. So many broken hearts, so many lonely faces. So many lovers come and gone. I’ll have my fears like every man. You’ll have your tears like every woman. Today we’ll be unsure, is this what we believe in? And wonder, how can we go on? Until the night…”

She stood at the sink, looking at herself in the mirror. Even through the door, his voice, and his words, surrounded her. She was crying. She felt like something inside of her had been broken open. It hurt, but there was something sweet about the pain.

She went into one of the two stalls and peed, and she could still hear Barba’s voice.

“When the sun goes down and the day is over, when the last of the light has gone. As they pour into the street I will be getting closer, as the cars turn their headlights on. As they’re closing it down I’m gonna open it up and while they’re going to sleep, we’ll just be starting to talk. I’m just beginning to feel, I’m just beginning to give, I’m just beginning to heal, I’m just beginning to live—”

Sitting on the toilet in the bathroom stall of a bar, Benson put her hands over her face and choked back a sob. She couldn’t have put into words what she was feeling. She knew she had to get control of herself and her emotions, though. She had a date, sitting out at a table patiently waiting for her. She swiped at her eyes, taking a deep breath. She swallowed the lump in her throat and shook her head.

She left the stall and washed her hands, again looking at herself in the mirror. It was obvious that she’d been crying, but there was nothing she could do about it. Barba was finishing “Until the Night,” but instead of ending, he transitioned back into “Scenes from an Italian Restaurant,” and she drew another shaky breath as she stepped out of the bathroom. She had herself under control. She looked at Barba and caught his gaze.

“A bottle of red, a bottle of white. Whatever kind of mood you’re in tonight, I’ll meet you any time you want in our Italian restaurant.”

She would’ve been in Forlini’s with him, drinking, if she hadn’t agreed to this date. Barba wouldn’t be singing depressing songs in a bar, and she wouldn’t be feeling guilty about neglecting a perfectly nice friend of Rollins’s.

Barba’s song was not an indictment, though. It was an offer, and one that he’d never quite been able to put into words of his own. He’d asked her out for drinks. He’d asked her to dinner. The invitations had always been reserved, though. He’d been careful to never suggest anything other than friendship, at least out loud.

Her date didn’t bother asking—again—if she was alright. He got to his feet as she approached, and held up her jacket. She turned, letting him help her into it, and she met Barba’s eyes again. She looked away quickly. This was not the time or place for what they needed to say to each other.

Barba started “In My Life,” and she supposed it was fitting that The Beatles would play her both into and out of the bar. Her eyes were burning, but she would shed no more tears in this place. She didn’t look back toward the piano as she left with her date, but she thought she could feel Barba’s eyes following her out.

  It was after 11, which meant that Forlini’s was closed. In fact, it was almost midnight. She’d gotten home around 10:30, but she never would’ve made it to the restaurant before closing, so she hadn’t even tried. He wouldn’t expect her there, anyway, not tonight. That wasn’t what he’d been saying.

He didn’t expect her to be sitting on the floor beside the door to his apartment, either. She saw the surprise on his face when he stopped in the hallway. After the surprise, she watched several emotions play across his features. Happiness, grief, fear, and relief; they were all there. She felt them all, as well.

He walked toward her, slowly. She’d changed out of her dress and high heels, and into slacks and a t-shirt and sneakers, and she’d scrubbed the makeup from her face; she’d done so quietly, to avoid waking Noah, after asking Lucy to stay the night.

She’d taken a cab to his apartment, because she’d had a few drinks before that final scotch. She was feeling very clear-headed, though, as she looked up at him.

Barba stopped by her feet and reached down a hand.

She put her palm against his, and as his fingers wrapped around her hand, she felt the warmth of his touch spreading up her wrist. He pulled her to her feet and they stood looking at each other. He chewed his lower lip for a moment, and she could see all of his emotions shining in his eyes; all of the things he’d never been able to say.

“It was a blind date,” she said.

He gave his head a little shake. He didn’t care.

She didn’t bother to add that it had been by complete chance that they’d ended up in the same bar as him. Her surprise had been as apparent as his.

“I would’ve gone for drinks with you,” she said, because she felt like she needed to make sure he knew that. “But…I wouldn’t be here, would I?” That needed to be said, as well.

“I’m sorry I made you cry,” he said, softly. He drew a breath through his nose, and let it out, slowly. “But, I’m…” He swallowed, and she saw his expression tighten. He searched her eyes, and she knew what he wanted to say. She knew, but she waited. “I’m glad you came,” he said.

She stepped forward and raised her hands to his jaw. “Me, too,” she said. She pressed her lips to his. Her heart was pounding in her chest. He closed his eyes and inhaled through his nose, but his eyes opened when she pulled back to look at him. “Do you want to let me in?” she asked, and they both knew she wasn’t just talking about his apartment.

“Yes,” he breathed, barely audible. He hesitated, holding her gaze. “Do you…want to come in?”

She smiled. “Yes,” she said. When he fished his keys out of his pocket, his hands were trembling. She touched his wrist, and he swallowed, looking at her. He let her pull the keys from his fingers, and she unlocked the door and pushed it open. He followed her into his apartment and closed the door while she set his keys on the table.

She turned and pushed him gently against the door, and as she kissed him, his hands went to her arms; his grip was tight, and she wasn’t surprised when he abruptly turned her, pinning her against the door. His hands were heavy as they settled at her waist, and his mouth was rough on hers. His knee nudged her thighs apart as he leaned into her, pressing her against the door.

She could feel his desperation; his kiss was frantic, and hard, and she could feel his pulse thudding beneath the hand she’d settled against the side of his neck. She could taste the scotch on his tongue, and she could feel the emotions that were trying to tear him apart.

She knew what it was like to feel as though she were coming unmoored, to feel like she was losing a grip on herself. She knew how it felt to give too much of herself to the world. She knew the feeling of being lonely in a crowded room, surrounded by people who couldn’t possibly understand the thoughts in her head or the feelings in her heart. She knew how it felt to desperately need an anchor, something, anything to hold onto.

She didn’t care that his kiss was rough, or that his hands were fumbling their way beneath her shirt. She didn’t care that his knee was lodged between her thighs or that his growing arousal was pressed against her leg. She didn’t care that he was half-drunk. She knew what he was feeling, and she would be his anchor.

She unbuttoned his pants and pulled his shirt from his waistband, and he made a sound in his throat; his hand was inside her shirt, hot and hard as it found her breast, and she fumbled for the button of her own slacks. He had her pinned against the door so that she could barely move, but she somehow managed to push her pants down and kick them, and her shoes, off.

She slid her hands into his boxers, cupping his backside and pulling him closer, and he broke away from her mouth, panting.

“Liv,” he said.

“I’m here,” she answered. She reached up and slipped her fingers into his hair, tugging his mouth back to hers. She draped her other arm over his shoulder, holding onto him as he grabbed the back of her thigh and lifted her leg. She bent her knee around his hip, shifting her other foot on the floor.

He entered her quickly, roughly—desperately, and she held onto him. He pulled his mouth from hers, dropping his forehead to her shoulder as he thrust into her, breathing raggedly. She kept her hand in his hair, her fingers against his scalp. His movements were frantic. She could feel the pressure building inside of her but knew she wouldn’t reach the edge in time. And, that was alright. She held onto him as she felt the tremors passing through his body, as his hips slowed, as she felt him come inside her. She wanted to hold him forever.

His breaths were irregular against her shoulder. He shifted his hips, withdrawing, and she felt a pang of regret as she lowered her foot to the floor. He lifted his head and drew back, reaching for her hand. He pulled her toward the bedroom, and she followed him on unsteady legs.

She didn’t resist when he pushed her, gently, onto the bed. He slanted his mouth over hers, and she felt his palm on her inner thigh as he urged her legs further apart. A moment later, his thumb found its target and she arched against his hand. He slipped one finger, and then a second, inside her, and she groaned into his mouth, closing her eyes.

He circled her clit with his thumb as he moved his fingers, and she found herself thinking of his hands on the piano keys, moving effortlessly across the ivory. She came quickly, tightening around his hand, trying to draw his fingers deeper, and he finally pulled his mouth from hers so they could both breathe.

He sank against her, breathing heavily, his cheek on her chest, and she wrapped her arms around him, holding his head against her heart.

“Liv,” he said, again.

She tightened her arms. “I’m here.”

“I’m afraid I might lose myself,” he murmured against her shirt.

“I know,” she said, running her fingers through his hair.

“Sometimes I…don’t know if I can…keep doing it,” he said.

Her stomach clenched. “You’re not alone,” she said. She rubbed his back, hesitating. The thought of losing him was terrifying, but she loved him too much to do anything other than support him—whatever his decision. “No matter what, you’ll never be alone,” she said. “If you need to…leave, if you—”

“I’ll never leave,” he said, his grip on her tightening.

She swallowed around the lump of emotion in her throat, trying to tamp down her relief. “You have to do what’s best for you,” she told him, quietly.

“You’re what’s best for me,” he muttered. “You’ve changed me, Liv, the way I see the world. You made me care.”

“You always cared,” she answered, softly, stroking his back. “You were the guy who took the cases no one else would take, who fought for the victims no one else believed or cared about. You might’ve had everyone else fooled with the swagger and smirk, Barba, but I saw you right away. You’re the same person you’ve always been. But this job, it takes a toll. Believe me, I know. I’ve seen it destroy people, chew them up and spit them out. But it wasn’t because they admitted they cared. It was because they tried to pretend, tried to convince themselves that they didn’t. You, you’re braver than that. You’re fearless.”

“I’m terrified,” he countered. “Terrified of pushing you away. You, you’re fearless.”

“I’m afraid of a lot of things, Rafael, but the thing I’m most afraid of is that you don’t know how much I love you—because I never told you. Because you asked me to get a drink, and I turned you down, and it’s my fault you were alone—”

He lifted his head and shifted upward, pressing his lips against hers. His eyes were closed, but after a moment, he drew back and looked down at her. “We’ve both been on our own for…most of our lives,” he said. “I always thought that’s what I wanted. The job was all I cared about, all I needed. But I was wrong. What I needed was you. Someone who would tell me when I was being an ass or remind me what I was fighting for. And maybe…maybe you needed me, too. Someone who would tell you when you were wrong,” he said, a small smile touching his lips when she raised her eyebrows. “We might not always agree but we’re always on the same side,” he added, his voice soft as he searched her face.

“Always,” she agreed.

He bent his head and kissed her, his lips gentle against hers. “Every time I think I can’t do it anymore, I look at you,” he murmured, tucking her hair behind her ear as he studied her face. “With you on my side, I can do anything.”

“Next time you go back to that bar, if you ask me, I’ll go with you. I’ll sit in the back and not even look at you, if you want. All you have to do is let me be there for you. You don’t have to tell me what you’re feeling. You don’t have to say anything. Just let me be there. I won’t let you down again, I swear.”

“Hey,” he said. “You’ve never let me down, ever. I love you, Liv. I can’t promise I’ll say it a lot but I can promise I’ll always feel it.” He let out a breath and bent his head so his lips were near her ear. “Can you stay the night?” he whispered.

“Yes.”

“Liv,” he murmured into her hair.

“Yes?”

His breath was hot at her ear. “I’ll never finish before you again, I give you my word.”

She felt a shiver pass through her. “I don’t care about that,” she said.

“I care,” he said, lifting his head to meet her eyes in the darkness. “It won’t happen again. But…thank you. I do love you, Liv. More than you can know.”

She smiled. “Oh, you’d be surprised,” she answered, softly, before pulling his mouth down for a kiss.

“Let It Be” and “In My Life,” written by John Lennon/Paul McCartney

“Moon River,” written by Henry Mancini

“Empty Chairs at Empty Tables,” written by Claud-Michel Schonberg

“Wicked Game,” written by Chris Isaak

“She Used to Be Mine,” written by Sara Bareilles

“Losing,” written by Ramin Karimloo

“Tougher than the Rest,” written by Bruce Springsteen

“Until the Night” and “Scenes from an Italian Restaurant,” written by Billy Joel

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[theotherwesley]

Wesley Watches And Rates All The Faust Operas

You thought I was kidding, but here we are: 

*I am not an expert, and my advice should never be followed.  I am but a humble nerd with a passion, dragging you along on my youtube-tour. You probably shouldn’t quote me, but using this as a starting point and guide to this particular musical and literary phenomenon is encouraged! The information below was gleaned largely from wikipedia, vague memories of my BA degree, and my own assessment of the source materials.

My ratings are based on my subjective enjoyment, and a few preferential criterion such as:  1) Was Mephistopheles fuckable, 2) Did I get to see an orgy of witches, 3)Does Marguerite pass the Sexy Lampshade Test, and 4) Was Faust Dragged to Hell.

Preliminary Notes: originally, the legend of Doctor Faust came from the sixteenth century and was inspired by one man (or possibly two who were later conflated), Johann SpidersGeorg Faust, who was your average practitioner of Renaissance Magic. He was not an especially savory individual; he had racked up quite a criminal record and been boastful enough of his “christlike” abilities to heal the sick and perform miracles that he’d seriously annoyed the church. He was denied entry into a city due to accusations of Necromancy and Sodomy. Being an alchemist, Faust got up to some particularly adventurous chemistry experiments, the last of which failed so spectacularly that his lab exploded and the doctor was reduced to his component parts. His remains after death were so gruesome that his colleagues came to the obvious conclusion: He’d been personally dragged to Hell by Satan himself. AND THUS WAS A LEGEND BORN.

The story of Faust was told and disseminated in sixteenth century chapbooks (early printing-press zines, if you will) as a dramatic morality tale. It is from the chapbooks we originally get the character of Mephistopheles, the pact exchanging 24 years of service for the soul, the famulus named Wagner, the wild adventures through various courts, and the conjuration of Helen of Troy. Aside from in the chapbooks, there is one version of Chrisopher Marlowe’s play Doctor Faustus, where the titular character is torn asunder by demons as he is dragged to hell-- but unfortunately for me, a known B-movie horror enthusiast-- this ending appears in no subsequent retellings of the Faust legend. Cowards.

Goethe’s play Faust is obviously the most famous adaptation of the legend, and through it the legend turns from a cautionary tale to a story of hubris, love, faith, and philosophy. If you’re not already familiar with Faust, you might take a moment to read it or at least check out the act summaries. You’ll understand everything that references it a lot better if you do, even if you just read Part I (the second part gets a bit tedious unless you have a fetish for Herodotus and metaphysics-- but there’s a cute homunculus in a bottle! and talking sphinxes and griffons! and kinky rose petals! Angel butts!!!). 

 Armed with this knowledge, let the opera tour begin:

Faust (1816, Louis Spohr)

--The Libretto with English translation 

--Playlist of the whole opera

It’s very pretty! The style and over-all sound reminds me of a Mozart opera, which, I guess, is not too surprising considering they were more or less contemporaries who trained and worked in similar circles. (Louis Spohr! He did collaborations with Beethoven! He invented the violin chinrest! Who knew! Not me! Anyway--) This Faust is not based on either Marlowe or Goethe’s Faust, but rather some miscellaneous adventures from the early Faust legends and chapbook pamphlets. In this version Faust ensnares a devil named Mephistopheles to his service, vowing to use his powers for the good of mankind. Great plan! That always goes well! 

There’s a love potion, a flying cape, a duel with an outraged rival-- all the usual necessities for a Faust story, only now there’s not one but TWO young women screwed over by Faust’s philandering! (His first love, Röschen, and erstwhile damsel-in-distress, Kunilingus. ....*checks notes*, sorry, no, “Kunigunde”). Mephistopheles is cattily insightful, the wronged women team up to avenge themselves against their seducer, and yes, yes indeed, Faust Is Dragged To Hell!  

The poetry of the libretto is quite pleasing, it’s got some great dialogue and epic fantasy sequences. Mephistopheles puts on show of infernal pyrotechnics with 17th century stage effects, all of them tremendous fire hazards. Someone gets dragged to Hell by a chorus of dancing goblins before Act 1 even finishes-- O my cup runneth over! We get the witches’ sabbath atop Mt Blocksberg, there’s a guest appearance by Sycorax, everyone gets real horny up there with a love potion, it’s great. 

Mephistopheles seems to be on the ladies’ side in the story (as much as he’s on any human’s side), in that he cautions them not to trust Faust, and urges them on when they FREAKING TEAM UP AND GO TO SEEK VENGEANCE. Oh my god it’s so great. Kunigunde attacks Faust and Faust freaks out and tells Mephistopheles to save him and Meph is all “what’s that? I don’t know, suddenly I can’t read”. Meph is also the one doing all the actual rescuing of distressed maidens, at Faust’s behest. He views Faust’s attempts to break the laws of Love and Nature with contempt, knowing that Faust’s soul is on the fast track to Hell. There’s no actual pact here; Meph is the one being held hostage. He makes sure that Faust doesn’t enjoy any of the spoils of his sorcery, so Faust’s ennui and dissatisfaction remain the same as before he began his quest to “Use Hell’s Powers For Good”. 

And just quick review of the scoreboard: Faust used his powers to do 1 (one) useful thing with his power before he ruined a bunch of people’s lives in quick succession, murdering Kunigunde’s betrothed and driving Rose to suicide. He still cries about it and the “rich seeds of Good he sowed” but Meph is having none of it and HE. DRAGS. THAT. BOY. TO. HELL!!!!!!! EXEUNT.

Rating: 4/5 Stars. Better than expected! I want a revival of this version! With stabbing! And special effects! Mephistopheles is truly doing the Lord’s work here, no offense to his demonship. Lost some points with me for being so very, very heavy on the pining and lovesick maidens, but won me back when the lovesick maidens picked up daggers. 

Faust and Marguerite (1855, Lutz) and Faust up to Date (1888, Lutz)

Straight up can’t find this one! But this early silent film short is apparently based on it?  IDK folks, if you have a recording of this you’d like to share with me, I’d be delighted to hear it. 

As for the burlesque, I suspect it hasn’t actually been performed since 1888. But the music is pretty cute! The Pas de Quatre, aka “Skirt Dance” seems to be the only track that’s stuck around. Here it is played on an old disc music box. 

Rating: ??? 

La damnation de Faust (1846, Berlioz) 

--Libretto in French and English

--La Damnation de Faust with Jonas Kaufmann --I like this one because Faust is super duper cute and this Mephistopheles reminds me of an OC makes yellow work. 

--This is the first of what I’m called The Big Three Faust Plays; all modeled after Goethe’s Faust specifically, written within roughly ten years of each other, and which feature the most well-known arias that I’m aware of. 

This opera positively reeks of Romanticism; it’s got Byron out the ears, it’s wading through Wordsworth, it’s doing the Grand Tour, it’s gazing mournfully from the top of Mont Blanc, contemplating Nature and the Human Spirit. It’s Berlioz, buckle up. 

The beginning is obviously Faust wallowing in ennui. He considers suicide, but is interrupted by a timely reminder of Christianity. Suddenly the devil appears in order to take advantage of a soul precariously teetering on the edge between redemption and damnation.  In this version, the devil does not announce himself as the devil, but rather as the ~Spirit of Life~, here to show Faust the joys of the world. (There’s no pact at first, Meph is just “get in bitch we’re going debauching” and Faust’s like “aight” and they’re off.) The devil takes Faust on a fun tour of life’s noteworthy attractions such as “Drunk Student Karaoke”, “Dancing Gnomes”, and “A Nice Forest Nap”.

During his magical nap Faust sees a vision of Marguerite (later we learn she has simultaneously dreamed of Faust) and falls in love. He awakes with the usual boner for this Maiden of Radiant and Humble Virtue who Nature Hath Sheltered In Perfect Simplicity, because that’s always a big turn-on. Meph steers the course of their interactions very carefully, using magic and fairies and wisps to enchant the couple’s surroundings to ensure they are surrounded by romantic atmosphere the whole time. Once they’ve gotten into some heavy necking, he bursts in and tells them that the whole town is coming with pitchforks and also someone’s told the girl’s mother and they’re in big trouble. Faust flees. 

Everyone does some quality Pining, Faust sings a sad song about Nature, and then Meph shows up again saying “hey I hope this doesn’t put a damper on our vacation, but Marguerite is in prison for murder and she’s going to be executed BUT QUICK, ACT NOW AND WE CAN SAVE HER for just one quick easy payment of your immortal soul” and Faust is just like “WHAT WHERE WHO WHAT UH FINE YES SURE OKAY SHIT, WOW, LET’S GO” and Meph is >:))) and they jump on their horses and ride off to go save her except OOPS, NO THEY DON’T because actually they are RIDING INTO THE WAITING JAWS OF HELL!!!! NYAK NYAK NYAK NYEEEEEHHHHH!!! Faust burns for eternity, Marguerite goes to heaven, curtain. 

Rating: 3.5/5 Look, I’m not saying I’m biased, but Mephistopheles doesn’t even show up until half an hour into the opera, okay? I find this one hard to sit through even though the music is really delightful; and I do mean it is gorgeous music. Between the two famous mocking serenades, “Devant la maison” shoots “Vous quid faites l’endormie” right out of the water; all the chorus pieces are fantastic; the Hungarian March is a great instrumental piece; Faust actually has some decent arias for once (rarer in each subsequent opera), and there is Brander’s wonderfully irreverent Rat Song... I think the reason this doesn’t hold my attention as much as other versions is that the plot is very meandering and the characters don’t have concrete motivations; they’re sad teenagers in love, I guess? And the devil tricks them? This whimsical aspect is 1000% part and parcel of the Romantic Aesthetic I realize, but personally I came for a recognizable story and got mostly pastoral vignettes. We spend half the opera listening to Frolicking Peasants and Men At Arms. Mephistopheles just hops out of the woodwork to play a dirty trick on a random guy getting his Byronic Mope on. There’s no pact, no soul-signing until the very end, and it’s just a plain ol’ tricky trap, not a device to punish hubris or moral crimes. I’m even reluctant to give this its rightful Dragged To Hell points because out of all the Faust scenarios, this is the one where he seems to deserve it the least! He doesn’t actually do anything bad! It’s not satisfying if he’s dragged to Hell for no reason! Pfui. However, points gained back for the made-up Satanic babble sung by infernal chorus at the end.  

Faust (1859, Gounod) 

--Libretto in French and English

--1995 Adaptation with Samuel Ramey as Mephistopheles  You already know I’m a slut for Samuel Ramey playing the devil in any capacity so I’ll spare you my gushing play-by-play of his performance. The quality of this video is.... not great. I apologize. I still love it, but you’re going to want to find a clearer recording of the music if you want to get the most out of this opera. 

--2011 Adaptation with Paul Gay as Mephistopheles (Warning: this version is quite lurid and includes some staging choices that I find pretty uncomfortable-- I can’t decide if the director is consciously trying to highlight predatory sexism as a bad thing or if it’s just kind of included to make things seem ~spicy~. Anyway, it’s otherwise a high quality production with an interesting set design, just be warned that there’s some on-stage grossness. Also, a hilariously bad decapitated head prop! --to accompany a truly baffling ending. To its credit, the death of Valentin was genuinely pretty moving and made me feel... er, well, anything about the character. Tassis Christoyannis’s made that aria memorable, which is more than I can say of other productions. 

Second of the Big Three! 

Gounod introduces a more complete cast of characters borrowed from Goethe’s Faust to flesh out the the story and setting; we meet Wagner the student, a regiment of soldiers including Marguerite’s brother, Valentin, and their young friend Siebel (a pants role-- which immediately endears me to this character because I’m a ~big ol’ queer~). Later we meet Marguerite’s nosy old neighbor, Martha, who is REAL thirsty for Mephistopheles and who I relate to very much.

 This opera follows Goethe’s Faust- Part I much more closely than its predecessor, and where it does not follow the original, it diverges in favor of making the story more engaging and streamlined. There is WAY LESS pining into the aether, and more sword fights. The larger cast of named characters makes for more interactions, which in turn makes for more memorable moments on stage, better dialogue, a comprehensible timeline of events, and more concrete motivations for everyone. 

A SUMMARY: Faust’s pact in this version has nothing to do with the philosophical wager seen in Goethe, but is simply an exchange of his soul for returned youth. He is old, he’s spent his life studying, he wants to be young and full of passion again. He seals the deal after the devil offers him a vision of Marguerite, whose sight is so inspiring and lovely that Faust is overcome with desire for her alone. They go to find her, encountering on the way a regiment of students and soldiers, one of whom is Marguerite’s brother, Valentin, who is going off to war leaving his sister in the care of young Siebel. Getting Marguerite to stop and talk to Faust proves difficult since she is so pure and virtuous that A) Mephistopheles has no power over her, and B) she’s wary of the compliments of strangers. Faust gets Mephistopheles to bring her a case of jewels to warm her up to him, then Mephistopheles concocts a ruse to distract her nosy neighbor Martha and give them an excuse to meet Marguerite (shenanigans ensue). The ploy works, Marguerite is seduced, and in love with Faust. Cut to some time in the future, when Oh No Everything Has Gone Horribly Wrong; Faust has gone away and left Marguerite pregnant and unmarried, she is shunned by society with the exception of Siebel, meanwhile her brother has come home from the war to find her in a disgrace. Faust and Mephistopheles eventually return, but encounter an enraged Valentin who duels Faust to avenge his sister’s honor. Faust, of course, uses Mephistopheles’s magic to cheat, and Valentin is fatally stabbed. With his dying breaths, he curses his sister and blames her for his death, since he died defending her honor-- the people who witness this are rightfully aghast that he’d use his last moments to denounce his own sister-- and rightly so, because that’s a real dick move. Faust flees, and Marguerite is left on her own with no support and a newborn child to care for. She seeks refuge and forgiveness in the church, but finds she cannot pray, haunted by voices and cursed by Mephistopheles himself, as he whispers in her ear, promising damnation. She faints, and is presumably driven mad. Cut to Faust, who is being treated to a front-row seat of Walpurgisnacht. During the revels he sees another vision of Marguerite, this time of her in chains and awaiting execution for the murder of her child. Mephistopheles grudgingly takes Faust to see her in prison, where he tries to rescue her. In her fevered state she will not leave, wanting Faust to instead stay with her in the cell. During the delay, she sees Mephistopheles and finally puts two and two together, knowing a devil when she sees one, and understanding that Faust is not only responsible for her suffering but also in league with infernal powers. She pushes him aside, rejects him, and throws herself instead on the mercy of God, choosing death and redemption over being rescued by the man whose affections ruined her. Mephistopheles ruefully pronounces her condemned, but a voice from Heaven pronounces her Saved. Faust watches in awe as Marguerite’s soul ascends to Heaven, and he is left alone and presumably damned. 

Why is this framing of the story significant? Because it’s about her. Faust is only an instrument; his soul is not especially remarkable, he might have been damned without any devil to encourage him.

 But Marguerite’s soul was untouchable to Mephistopheles; he puts a vision of her before Faust for a reason. We don’t waste any time bemoaning Faust’s moral downfall; Faust is not the one seeking redemption at the end of the opera. Faust is a means to an end, and that end is leading an otherwise spotless soul into perdition.

 This opera has Mephistopheles at his most sinister, his most manipulative; he is the one driving Marguerite deeper into misfortune, who isolates her, mocks her, whispers condemnation into her ear her until she doubts everything. Desperate, without support and seeing no way forward, no future for herself or her child, Marguerite kills her baby, or is led to do so by Mephistopheles. Without a doubt, this has been the devil’s plan all along, and with Marguerite now branded a murderess, he thinks he’s won. But Faust, despite taking no responsibility for his actions, nevertheless feels pity and remorse at her misfortune, and goes to rescue her--and  this gives Marguerite the chance to finally see what he is.

 She rejects him; she does not choose love, she does not choose to live or be rescued by the forces that ruined her in the first place. She stays, renews her faith, and thwarts Mephistopheles’s best efforts to damn her. This is not about a man's hubris; it is about Marguerite escaping the devil and saving herself on her own terms. That’s why I find this version to be poignant. 

Some musical highlights: “Le veau d’or” (the golden calf)-- if not my favorite of Mephistopheles’s ballads then in the top three, particularly because it lends itself to some flamboyant acting; Marguerite’s “Ballade un roi de Thulé” (the king of Thule) is absolutely haunting; and "Seigneur, daignez permettre", aka The Church Scene is fucking incredible-- the juxtaposition of Marguerite’s pleas and the choir’s Dies Irae, the echoing church organs in the background, Damnation seeming to gain a voice of its own to summon her... it’s some real Eyes-of-Notre-Dame Hellfire shit. 

Rating: 5/5! A perfect score! Gounod wins the first place ribbon. Though he beats Boito’s “Mefistofele” (up next) on several key points, I want you to know that my personal bias will probably always be in favor of “Mefistofele” on account of being a ho for the titular character. --But Gounod’s is the better opera, fair and square. “Faust” has the most comprehensive storyline, the most memorable arias, and the best (I think) balance of both humor and poignance.  I will give this version the benefit of a Dragged to Hell point even though we don’t actually get to see the final deed. The Walpurgisnacht scene does exist as a ballet, so I’ll still give it the points even though it gets cut out of most productions for length (sometimes the ballet is performed as a stand-alone event). Additionally, he scores most favorably on the Marguerite > Sexy Lampshade scale-- this is a story about her more than it’s about Faust or Mephistopheles, and I’m here for that.

Thank you Mr. Gounod, you may retrieve your Incredibly Prestigious Award from my blog after the ceremony. 

Mefistofele (1868, Boito) 

--Libretto in Italian and English

--HERE IT IS, MY FAVORITE ONE, MY FAVORITE MEPHISTOPHELES, SAMUEL RAMEY, MOSTLY SHIRTLESS, FLIPPING OFF GOD AND LIGHTING A CIGARETTE ON STAGE IN HIS MATCHING CHERRY-RED TAILCOAT AND VIOLIN CASE 1989 (WHICH IS THE YEAR OF MY BIRTH, NO COINCIDENCE, I THINK)

--Oh, fun fact! The opera scene in Batman Begins is the chorus from the witches sabbath. If you thought it sounded familiar, this might be why.

Anyway. This is the third of the Big Three most-referenced Faust operas!  

Unlike its predecessors, Mefistofele covers both part I and part II of Goethe’s Faust, starting with the seduction of Marguerite and moving on to serenading Helen of Troy and finally with Faust’s redemption. The first part of the opera is very similar to Gonoud’s Faust, but first there is a Prologue, which is taken pretty much directly from Goethe.  And oh my god, is the Prologue hilarious. We encounter Mephistopheles, the titular character, on his way to work-- or more just loitering around in the aether as one does when one is bored and immortal and humanity is going on sinning with or without you, when he stops to greet the Lord God in passing, all satirical charm and sarcasm. God, very graciously, does not ask him whether he has anything better to do, but instead inquires if he knows Faust.

 “Oh yeah, that guy. Neck beard, likes science, big fan of yours. Sure I’ve heard of him,” says Meph. “Hey, you seem like a betting man--”

“Um,” says God.

Meph continues; “I bet I can tempt him into sinning and thus damn his immortal soul to Hell!” 

God agrees-- because God already knows the future and thinks this will be a fun way to build character. 

A choir of angels descends and Mephistopheles gets grossed out, sprays them with insect repellent, and leaves. (I am paraphrasing). 

The next few scenes are pretty familiar; Faust laments his ennui, a chorus of peasants and students celebrate a festival, Faust is on the cusp of a revelation that Jesus is neat, but is interrupted by the devil. The devil introduces himself, offers Faust his services on earth if Faust agrees to serve him in Hell after death. 

Faust, who seconds ago was ready to devote himself to a life of holiness, sayeth “yolo” and they shake on it, with the condition that Mephistopheles can reveal to him one moment of such surpassing joy and beauty that Faust will wish for it to last forever-- thereupon Faust consents to being dragged immediately to Hell. Because pssh, that’s later and who cares about later?? They hop on Mephistopheles’s magic cape, and fly off to have adventures.  CUT TO: Faust seducing Marguerite and Mephistopheles distracting her nosy neighbor Martha. THEY KISS, FAUST LEAVES, HE GOES TO A PARTY ON MT. BROCKEN. HE SEES A VISION: MARGUERITE IN PRISON! QUICK, TO THE RESCUE! BUT NO, SHE REJECTS HIM, HER SOUL IS SAVED, SHE DIES-- Wait, what? I hear you ask-- She just got here, she wasn’t even introduced, now we’re skipping to the end? The answer is: yes. Yes, you’re just supposed to know what’s going on already. 

To be fair, Faust operas are the Spiderman remakes of the nineteenth century; there’s a new one coming out every ten years or so, Goethe is required reading, everyone is writing Faust fanfiction-- no one is wondering who the girl is or how they met or is wondering if they’ll kiss or not. Everyone knows the plot already, it’s fine.

BUT THIS ISN’T THE END! No indeed! Now we are on a tour of PART II of Goethe’s Faust! You know, the part you skipped! Don’t worry, Boito isn’t making the entire metaphysical play into an opera, just the juicy bits with Helen of Troy. Marguerite is instantly and completely forgotten-- this is now a Helen/Faust one-shot, which Mephistopheles is forced to watch with annoyance. 

CUT TO: Faust’s old laboratory from Act 1, where he is on the brink of death, lost in a reverie of all the good times he’s had. Mephistopheles is hovering over him, tapping his wristwatch and reminding Faust of his past loves and glories, incredulous that Faust hasn’t yet found his One True Moment™.

 Faust just sighs and says “gee, I guess the REAL happiness was the good I could have done along the way but absolutely didn’t!” and God busts in through the ceiling with a HALLELUJAH and Mephistopheles is like “oh don’t you dare, don’t you fucking-- THINK OF ALL THE GOOD TIMES WE HAD, ALL THE SEXY LADIES I GOT YOU TO MEET! AFTER ALL I’VE DONE FOR YOU AS YOUR WINGMAN--” and Faust faceplants into the bible and goes straight to Heaven. Meph is left spitting in defiance as he sinks into the earth. THE END.

Why this framing is significant: The way Boito has arranged and cropped the scenes makes this story very much center around Mephistopheles. While Berlioz’s Faust was about the suffering of a young man for love, and Gounod’s was about the victory of Marguerite over Hell, Boito’s opera is about the humorous tragedy of Mephistopheles, whose endeavor was rigged to fail from the onset. 

Faust doesn't end up in Hell in Goethe's version, and I accept this because Mephistopheles lost his bet on a technicality: the Moment™ Faust wished to prolong was not provided by Mephistopheles, it was caused by his sincere desire to do a last bit of good in the world, coming to the conclusion (after being made blind by the goddess of Care) that benefiting mankind is what brings one happiness, not knowledge or fleeting pleasures. It wasn’t that he suddenly found Christ or gave himself over to God, as the opera implies, but because he finally realized the worth of striving to do good, and fond a source of platonic love within himself, which makes his soul redeemable despite his pact with the devil. So Goethe gives us a humanist, philosophical explanation for Faust's redemption..... BUT MOST IMPORTANTLY-- he has Mephistopheles lose Faust's immortal soul because he's Too Fucking Horny For An Angel Boy’s Ass. (I know when I’m being pandered to.) 

Unfortunately, Boito misses the whole philosophical trajectory of Goethe’s Faust and reduces it to a simple morality-play where a sinner is saved on his deathbed merely by acknowledging the hereafter. He doesn’t suffer blindness, he doesn’t actually DO anything good in his last hour, he just repents and decides Heaven is real after all at the last possible second before kicking the bucket. It would be disappointing, IF that were the point of the story. But that’s not where the drama is!

Like Gounod’s Faust, the focus was never really on the doctor at all; his redemption is not what we paid to see. It’s Mephistopheles’s reaction to losing Faust’s soul that makes the ending interesting, not the fact that Faust gets a free pass to Heaven. 

Highlights of this version: It’s fucking hilarious, and Mephistopheles is the star of the entire show. His arias are in turns sinister and sardonic, playful and powerful. The dialogue is taken directly from Goethe’s Faust in most cases (translated into Italian obviously), and hey, the dialogue in Goethe is really funny and good and witty! Hard to go wrong! 

“Ave Signor” (Hail, Lord!) is such a terrific opener; there will always be something delightful about the idea of the devil conversationally sassing God and daring to make a bet with the Almighty in the spirit of work-place rivalry. “Son Lo Spirito Che Nega Sempre Tutto” (I Am the Spirit That Denieth All Things) is full of dark bravado and rebellion, whistling defiance at the Lord. It’s a great Villain Song and as someone with sympathy for the devil it is completely my jam. “Ecco Il Mondo” (Behold the World) is both teasing and menacing and the staging lends itself to some glorious melodrama. “Ah! Su! Riddiamo, riddiamo” (Turning, turning) gets a prize for being the best infernal chorus and witches’ sabbath scene out of all of them-- it’s frenzied and spooky and satanic and whirling, everything you could want from an orgy of infernal creatures. Ten out of five stars, would exalt Satan to again.

Rating: 4.5 / 5 stars. Second place prize, and Honorable Mention for being the judge’s favorite. It’s not perfect. The story leaves much to be desired-- let’s face it, Part II of “Faust” isn’t especially... dynamic on its own, and especially when condensed to fit into opera format, the events don’t add up into a satisfying narrative.  Boito glosses over some frankly essential elements in the original and just has Faust skip right from his life-ruining adultery to being carried to Heaven on the backs of angels-- just for thinking of all the good he *could* have done if he hadn’t been, you know, a real stinker this whole time.  So I’m not giving Boito a pass for omitting Faust’s Hell Dragging. Furthermore, this play is woefully short on Marguerita; she basically just shows up to be seduced and then a second later is Ruined and Saved. Booo.

But hey-- is this play called “Faust”? Is this play called “Faust and Marguerita”? No. This play is called motherfuckin’ “Mefistofele”, because it’s about Mephistopheles. It’s about our suave, under-appreciated servant of Hell working hard for his cut, trying and squeeze just ONE life-altering moment out of this absolute dehydrated turd of a man, and the play is rife with his frustration. He is the one who whistles in defiance of God, and he loses because it is *inevitable* that he loses. God was never going to let him win that bet; Meph was a tool in his ultimate design to shepherd Faust closer to redemption. Mephistopheles is dragged off stage whistling in defiance as a lifetime’s worth of effort is flushed down the drain in a single moment of seemingly undeserved redemption. Not for a *solitary second* did we want this opera to be about Faust. No. This is the devil’s opera, and that’s why it’s so fucking great. 

Doktor Faust (1916–25, Busoni)

--Adaptation with Thomas Hampson 2006 

--Libretto in German and English

...And now, a German libretto written by an Italian, in contrast with Boito’s Italian libretto translated from German. 

God, this is such a modern ass Modern Opera. It does that thing I hate that modern operas do where the composer is like “What? You wanted a ~melody~? What is this, musical theater??” Like obviously they’ve transcended the need for anything so plebeian as a tune I can fucking hum. It’s very Intellectual, very High Art. The plot is full of tortured genius manpain, naval gazing, and I can’t remember a single aria from it. ...Okay, that’s a bit harsh; in the final two scenes Faust gets some lovely melancholy solos that actually stuck out to me. But this is a three hour long opera. So. Maybe skip ahead.

Plot-wise, this is the most existential of the bunch. No Marguerite in this one, just a Duchess with no name. Faust still ruins his lover’s life but in his final act he rejects both God and the Devil and uses his Supreme Human Will to transfer his life-force into his dead child’s body, resurrecting him as a young man with a blossoming frond of some kind. (Symbolism!!!) 

--This marks the full 180 turnaround from “Faust is forcibly dragged to hell by Satan himself and his body explodes all over the stage” to “NOT ONLY IS FAUST REDEEMED OF HIS SINS BUT HE TRANSCENDS BOTH HEAVEN AND HELL WITH THE INDOMITABLE FORCE OF HIS HUMAN WILL, GOD IS DEAD, FAUST IS THE ÜBERMENSCH”, and to that I say *ptttttttbbbbbbbb*.   

Rating: 1/5 stars.  Plot is ponderously philosophical, overweighted with symbolism, and the music, while interesting, is largely forgettable with a few exceptions. Also it is Three Goddamn Hours Long. Points lost for nameless female character who fails the Lampshade Test. Loses further points for a dry and flavorless Mephisopheles, boooo.     

The Rake's Progress (1951, Stravinsky)

--1992 production with Jerry Hadley and OH LOOK WHO IT IS IT’S SAMUEL RAMEY AGAIN HUH WELL DON’T MIND IF I DO this production is really, really well acted and funny and the dance portions are especially cool. 

--Libretto in English and Italian

Another modern opera, this time by a composer I actually like! 

Now, this isn’t technically a Faust opera; its based on a series of delightfully comedic prints by William Hogarth, detailing the decline and fall of a young man who inherits a huge sum of money, spurns his true love, and wastes his inheritance on foolish ventures and hookers, eventually ending up insane in Bedlam (I’m not saying tertiary syphilis, but definitely tertiary syphilis-- Let us take a moment to appreciate both condoms and penicillin.) 

In the original paintings there is no deal-making devil, but but luckily he’s been added in by librettist W.H. Auden (who was intermittently friends and lovers with Christopher Isherwood!!!!-- I just wanted to add that because it makes my gay little heart very happy). The names are all vaudevillian puns, such as “Tom Rakewell”, “Anne Trulov”, and “Sellem, the Auctioneer”. Mephistopheles has been exchanged for the slick, modern Nick Shadow.

Highlights of this version: Baba the Turk, the bearded lady that Nick convinces Tom to marry as a demonstration of his free will (???). Listen: I know she’s meant to be comic relief and is an unflattering stereotype, but dang if she didn’t win my heart completely. I like that her marriage with Tom apparently falls apart, not necessarily because she’s a bearded lady, but because she’s just very chatty and overbearing and is much better traveled than Tom, and has had numerous wealthy and important suitors who she won’t shut up about. She’s knows her own worth and conducts herself accordingly, and is very vocal when she knows she’s being treated badly. She’s got Anne’s back when they meet at the auction of all Tom’s property (which she was included in as an object because she was under a spell of silence and immobility-- rude), telling her to watch out for Nick Shadow and generally being very forgiving and understanding about the whole affair; she was hurt that Tom lied about his affections, but she doesn’t blame Anne for it, which is wholesome. Then she announces that she’s going back to her career on the stage because she is BABA and she has had enough of these scrubs. Anyway. I love her. She’s described very beautifully if you happen to like beards, which I do (and so did the author).  

“No Word From Tom” reminds me why I love Stravinsky so much (and Dawn Upshaw sings it like a nightingale). “Lanterloo My Lady” is spritely and fun and texturally interesting; besides, “sweet dreams my master, dreams may lie, but dream-- for when you wake you die” is chill-inducing. “How Dark and Dreadful is This Place” plus the whole card game in the cemetery is sad and grim and comical all at the same time; Tom is such a pathetic and naive mess you can’t help but feel sorry for him, even while Nick’s smugness is delicious. Tom’s mad songs are all quite touching and beautiful. 

Rating: 4/5 stars. The libretto is really excellent, jazzy, full of great wordplay and aphorisms. Nick is a delightful Mephistopheles; thoroughly modern, witty, sly, arch, fourth-wall breaking. Faust is not dragged to hell, but he is condemned to insanity. Loses points for a female lead whose entire purpose in life is to babysit this asshole through his poor life decisions. Also, while certainly more memorable and melodic than Busoni’s Faust, it still has that sort of shouty modern opera sound that I find a little challenging to listen to; but that said, the music fits the plot, and the plot is fun and absorbing, so while there may be fewer individual arias I’m likely to put on my jogging playlist, it’s engaging to watch as a production from start to finish.  

--Okay! That’s it! I know, I know, this isn’t actually a review of every Faust opera to date, but I have to get back to my life, and you already know my feelings on modern and contemporary opera. Thank you for bearing with me for this entire novel-length post that literally no one asked for!! You’re a the real hero here! I love you almost as much as I love Samuel Ramey in tights.  *stage kiss*  Yours in Service Here but in Mine Below, ~Wesley 

#Faust Tag #Wesley's Opera Hour #Faust #Mephistopheles #lifeblogging #long post #Phew! This took a million years to write but it's done and I'm happy!

[ffshadid]

𝒸𝒶𝓉𝒸𝒽𝒾𝓃𝑔 𝓂𝓎 𝒷𝓇𝑒𝒶𝓉𝒽

Gigi stepped outside onto the back porch of their little winter cabin that had slowly turned into their home. It was nice just ignoring her phone notifications and the endless array of emails that poured in at all hours of the day. In fact, the only time she even picked up her phone was to either take a picture of her gorgeous girlfriend or to play a certain song or playlist for background noise. She slipped into the cozy patterned chair on the far corner of the screened in porch. It was the perfect spot to take in the view of the little frozen lake and the massive snow covered mountains that stood in the distance. She was certain she would never get tired of this view. Just like she would also never tire of the view of Ashley first thing every morning. Her messy hair, her sleepy half grin that would flash across her face once she rolled over to face her each morning. Everything about Ashley Frangipane was beautiful. She was the type of girl you imagined when your mind brought to life a character from your favorite book or song. There were so many moments within a regular day where Gigi felt the need to pinch herself, just to make sure her life wasn’t some sort of perfect daydream that she never wanted to wake up from. 

At a young age, Gigi had questioned her attraction towards women. She would often follow her mother along to her photoshoots or fashion shows. Both of which, she was surrounded by gorgeous women all around her. Of course, she always brushed off her attraction as just a mere fascination for the modeling business. After all, it had always been her dream from a young age to follow in her mother’s foot steps. She wanted to be one of the breathtakingly gorgeous women who gracefully pranced down that catwalk with such ease and grace. They each walked in step with one another, flashed the perfect smile and pose, while the crowd always went wild and applauded for them. But when it came to dating women, the thought had never crossed her mind. That was, until she met Ashley. 

Being with Ashley had been a brand new adventure for her. For the first time in her life she felt genuinely happy. She didn’t have to put on this fake front and be someone who she wasn’t. Ashley didn’t care about following her diet or what outfit the paparazzi had caught her in. There had been so many times she had gotten angry text messages from her mother, taking about how terrible of an outfit it was that she was caught in. Half of the time, it was a picture that was snapped when she was just coming out of the gym. Her hair was usually a mess as her blemished and unperfect face was dripping with sweat. They always found a way of capturing her at her most unflattering moments, which her mother would then pick apart to shreds. When Ashley was around, that constant pressure to be perfect at all times faded away. Ash liked her when she was in her sweatpants with a messy bun. She didn’t care if she had gained a few extra pounds over the course of the holidays. They had both let themselves indulge in all of the delicious foods and sweet treats. Even though in the back of her mind, Gigi knew she would have to face the consequences of her weight gain with her mother at some point in the future. She did her best to push those thoughts away until they got back home and she was forced to deal with it head on. 

The model took a deep breath and took her plane off of airplane mode. After all, she had chosen this specific corner of the patio for not only the view, but also because they had discovered it was one of the sweet spots when it came to their phones getting service. She watched the bars suddenly spring to full service, as her phone erupted with carious text tones and sounds. Her heart sped up in the pit of her chest as she saw the number of text messages coming through. particularly from her mother. 

Mom👹: Jelena. It’s been a while since I’ve heard from you. I just wanted to check in and make sure you’re alright. 

Mom👹: Happy New Year. I hope you’re coming home soon. I’ve been scoping out a few potential jobs for you if you’re interested. 

Mom👹: I tried calling you, but it went straight to voicemail. 

Mom👹: Jelena, your voicemail is full. Call me back, please.

Mom👹: You’re starting to worry me. Please call me back or send a text back even.

Mom👹: You’re with that girl, aren’t you?

Mom👹: I just spoke with Bella. She told me that you are with that girl.

Mom👹: I’m very worried about you. If I don’t hear from you sometime within the next few days, I’ll have no choice but to send out a search party for you. 

She couldn’t help but roll her eyes at how dramatic her mother could be sometimes. She was a grown adult with a life of her own. She was allowed to go off the grid for a couple of weeks to enjoy the holidays with her girlfriend. Plus it wasn’t like she was cut off from the outside world and couldn’t get in contact with someone if she were in some type of emergency. She just chose to shut out the world for a little while because sometimes it was all just too loud.

She took a deep breath as her fingers quickly typed a quick message back to her mother. 

That girl has a name, you know. It’s Ashley. And she’s my girlfriend. I’m fine and I’ll be in contact once I’m back home. Now please, stop contacting me. 

#( self para. ) #( para. ) #( para: catching my breath. )

[gemvictorfromtheponyverse]

Musical Love [FANFIC]

A music related Dodo Chaplet/Steven Taylor fanfic written for @sciencefictionrenegade and @unwillingadventurer. Takes place after 'The Gunfighters'.

Tagged: @lesbiantwelve @lesbianchesterton @unwillingadventurer @sciencefictionrenegade @7th-impossible-thing @thefirstintimeandspace

Ao3 Link

Spotify Playlist

Youtube Playlist

THE FANFIC ITSELF:

"Hey, Doctor, is there a piano somewhere in the TARDIS?" Dodo asked, smiling excitedly at the alien as she walked into the control room. "Or maybe a guitar? I can play that too!" She added, hoping The Doctor would be in a good mood and not be angry with her for asking.

"A piano and a guitar? Now why do you want those instruments? Feeling like playing a little tune are you, hmm? " The Doctor smiled indulgently.

"Oh yes Doctor" Dodo nodded enthusiastically. "I was thinking we could have a music night? I know lots of instruments, and I can sing, and Steven too! It would be like in school!" Excited, Dodo clapped her hands together, before sitting down beside The Doctor. "When I was little we had all kinds of talent shows and music nights at school and everyone got to sing and dance and perform. It was so much fun, and after getting to pretend to be a showgirl in Tombstone, I really miss it." To upp the empathy, Dodo put her most innocent face.

"Oh, I'm sure we could, my dear girl. Yes, so we shall!" The Doctor smiled, happy to indulge the girl that oh so reminded him of his granddaughter. "Go look behind the fifth door on the left, I believe there is some music instruments there."

"What are you going to do with music instruments? Am i missing something here?" Suddenly Steven appeared in the door opening, leaning against the wall and observing then sceptically. He knew that whenever The Doctor got excited, you could bet that trouble was soon to follow.

"The Doctor said we could have a music night! I'm going to look for some instruments right now!" Dod exclaimed, grabbing onto Stevens hand as she passed through the door opening. "Come look with me, will you? Please?" She begged, looking at him with her most atttactive face.

-----

Steven laughed. When he first met Dodo, she had felt like a little sisters to him. But the more he spent time with her, the more he started to see her in a different light. Maybe, a song would be a good way to show. "Alright, alright, I'm coming. Let's see if Doc got some piano standing in there."

Forty-five minutes later, they stood knee deep in music instruments from all over the Earth, as well as quite a few that was most definitely not Earth made. They had already managed to roll out a piano into the control room, but Dodo had been adamant to find a guitarre, too, and as such they still stood there looking.

"Have you found anything yet, Steven?" Dodo asked, pushing angrily at something heavily that vaguely reminded Steven of a tuba.

"No, sorry" Just as he said it, he spotted something sticking up out of the mess. Careful that Dodo didn't see it, he pulled the red painted acoustic guitar out of the sea och tubas and trumpets and cellos and violas.  It was a beautifully painted thing, and though Steven knew little about instruments he could tell it was a good quality.

"You found a guitar!" From behind him, Steven heard Dodo squealing as she noticed the guitare.

Turning around, Steven's eye went wide as he found Dodo leaning in, her arms wrapping around his neck as she pushed her lips against his, kissing Steven soundly.

"Dodo..." Shocked, entirely unsure how to handle what was just happened, Steven moved awya from Dodo, sahcking off her arms and holding up the guitar like a shield between the two.

Still smiling, Dodo took the guitare. "Thank you!" She exclaimed, bowing, before turning on her heels and running out the door.

Steven didn't know what happened. Watching as Dodo slipped out the door, he remained, unable to move or say anything as he analyzed the happenings of the last few minutes. It wasn't as though it had been bad, or he'd disliked it, but he still felt completely shocked that Dodo had actually kissed him.

"Are you coming Steven? Me and The Doctor are waiting!" From outside the door, Steven heard Dodo calling for him, and he smiled.

"Coming!" He called back, a smug grin spreading on his face. Tonight, he thought, was a night for music and, maybe, just maybe, love.

"Ah, Steven! There you are my boy." The Doctor smiled as he entered the console room, gesturing at him with the violin he was not holding in hand.

"You ready to play something yet?” Dodo asked. She was sitting cross legged on the floor, the red painted guitar in her hands. “I was thinking you and I could start with a duet!”

“Sounds good.” Steven smiled, inconspicuously glancing at The Doctor, who was watching then calmly from his chair. “Got a song in mind?” He asked, and Dodo nodded fervently.

“I’ve already written down your part. I thought something sort of country and American might be fun, since we just visited there.” She handed him a piece of small scrap paper, before placing her own note in front of her as she gripped the guitare. “I’ll play the guitar and we’ll both sing okay?” She asked, glancing up at him for a brief moment as he sat on the piano stool.

“Yes, sounds good.” He agreed absentmindedly as he surveyed the text she’d given him.

“Excellent, my dear boy! I shall be delighted to hear you.” The Doctor commented fiercely, once more swinging his hands around in some sort of encouraging gesture, but this time with the violin. Much to Steven's relief, he’d put the instrument down in his lap.

“Well, let’s go then!” Dodo exclaimed, immediately starting to play the guitar. Despite not doubting Dodo’s talent, Steven was shocked at how gracefully she played, her fingers moving their way across the neck of the guitar with the fine-tuned precision of someone who’d been playing for a long time. The hole performance only got better as Dodo’s vocals were added, her voice softly singing. “Black Jack David come around through the woods, and he sing so loud and gayly. He made the mountains ring and he charmed the hearts of the ladies, charmed the hearts of the ladies”

Singing the last few words, Dodo looked up at Steven once more, and he took his que. “He said how old are you my pretty little miss, how old are you my honey?” He sang as good as he could, trying to match his vocal with Dodo’s as she picked up the song once more.

“She answered with a silly little grin, I’ll be sixteen next Sunday, be sixteen next Sunday” Despite concentrating completely on the complex guitare comp, Dodo didn’t miss a note, a silly little grin indeed appearing on her face to match the lyrics.

Hearing her sing so beautifully, Steven smiled as he joined in once more. “He said come go with me my pretty little miss, come go with me my honey. I’ll take you across the deep blue sea, where you never shall want for money”

As he finished his section this time, he saw that Dodo was observing him, seemingly as fascinated by watching him perform as he was when he watched her. As she noticed him looking at her, however, she quickly looked away again, joining in with her segment without missing a beat.

“She took off her high heeled shoes, they were made of Spanish leather, she put on her low heeled shoes” As she closed to the end of the bit, Steven joined, their voice mixing perfectly as they sang together for the first time. “And they both ride off together, both ride off together.”

Quieting down, Steven let Dodo finish the song with her last line, her finger still dancing easily across the guitare. As she sang, he couldn’t help but ponder the lyrics, thinking perhaps there was something more to it than just a random song she picked.

“Last night I lay in my feather bed, next to my husband and baby. Tonight I lay on the cold, cold ground next to my Black Jack David, next to my Black Jack David” Dodo dragged out the last few words, her fingers almost slipping and messing up the chords as she looked at Steven. Though he was not singing, he was silently whispering the lyrics as she sang.

“That was beautiful” Steven whispered as Dodo stopped playing, his entire being spellbound what he had just heard. The amount of talent she had just displayed had him completely floored. Somehow, it also made Dodo all the more attractive, the shining aura of happiness and beauty somehow ten folding as she played around with strings of the instrument. “You could probably do it professionally, if you wanted.”

Dodo giggled, giving Steven a fond look as she continued to experiment with the guitare. “Probably not. My aunt calls it unbecoming. Besides, she says you can’t have children if you do this. You can’t just leave them, and they can’t travel with you.” Dodo sigh, laying down the guiatre beside her. Frowning, the played with the hem of her skirt. “Nothing I want is good enough to be combinable with children and a husband and a house. Your better off just being a stay at home mom.” Dodo sniffed, sweeping away a few horrified tears trickling down her cheeks.

“Yeah right. That’s stupid opinions Dodo, and you know it!” Steven spoke angrily, stopping abruptly as he realized that maybe she didn’t know. They had picked her up while in 1966, after all. Between her and Steven stood hundreds of years of fights for equality and women’s rights and attempts to erase Toxic masculinity. And though the future maybe wasn’t perfect, it was certainly better  than 1966 would have been. “You can do anything you want and have any family or property you like. Anyone who tells you anything else is a moron.”

Stunned, Dodo stared at Steven, her mouth half open as she tried to take in the message. Then,  she smiled. Without warning, she reached up, pushing herself off the floor to kiss Steven on the cheek and lingering just a moment too long. When she was done, she pulled away, strumming up a little music number.

“The girls in New York City, they all march for women's lib. And better homes and garden shows, the modern way to live.And the pill may change the world tomorrow, but meanwhile, today” Dodo paused, a wry smile on her face. Her voice was more assertive, sarcastic and powerful as opposed to the softness with which she’d sung the last song. “Here in Topeka, the flies are a buzzin', the dog is a barkin' and the floor needs a scrubbin', one needs a spankin' and one needs a huggin' and lord, one's on the way.” Dodo finished with flare, her intense gaze set on Steven.

“I sincerely hope you are being sarcastic, Dodo, and that this is not how you feel after everything I just told you.” Steven commented smugly, watching as Dodo shook her head definitely.

“No, not at all. Just came to think of it, and thought it’d be fun. I like American music a lot, it’s more down to Earth than British music” She quickly blushed, looking away from Steven. “Not that it’s wrong to like British music.” An awkward silence settled over them and Dodo played with her skirt, and Steven tried to figure out whether to be offended or not, considering he wasn’t even certain what ‘British music’ meant to Dodo. “Anyway” She cleared her throat,casually looking around her and trying to avoid looking embarrassed. “Where has The Doctor gone to?”

“What? He’s right…” Looking around, Steven found that the Doctor had indeed disappeared. Where to was anybody’s guess, but he was in fact missing. Steven smiled slyly. “Maybe he thought we’d enjoyed the music night more just the two of us?” He suggested, thinking it might actually be a bit of a blessing. That way, it’d be less awkward when he eventually came around to asking Dodo why she kept kissing him.

Not that he found Dodo kissing him now as stressing as it had been the first time, though.

Dodo shrugged. “Fine by me. Will you play something for me?” As positive and straightforward as always, Dodo turned around to offer him the guitar. “If you want to play” She clarified. “If you don’t prefer the piano of course.”

“I think I’ll take the piano, actually.” Steven nodded, turning around and positioning his fingers on the keys, before passing. What was he going to play? He wasn’t a musical genius and he didn’t quite hold the raw talent Dodo did. Maybe something romantic he mused. Though that might imply he was in love with Dodo, and he wasn’t, now was  he? A weak blush crept up his cheeks, and Steven abruptly put his focus back on the keys in front of him. He took a deep breath.

Slowly pushing down a few keys at random, a song suddenly came to his mind, and he allowed himself run with the thought. “There was a time, I used to look into my father's eyes. In a happy home, I was a king I had a golden throne. Those days are gone, now the memories are on the wall. I hear the sounds from the places where I was born.” Hazy memories run through Stevens mind as he play. He sees his mother and his father, people he could barely remember, laughing and smiling and holding him. The warmth and love of a life he’d lost before he realised how precious it was.

“Steven?” Dod’s soft voice is small, and he abruptly realize he stopped singing.

He picked it up again, jumping in like nothing happened. “There was a time, I met a girl of a different kind. We ruled the world,

Thought I'll never lose her out of sight. We were so young, I think of her now and then. I still hear the songs, reminding me of a friend” Steven thinks of Vickie. He miss Vickie she was one of his best friends.

But Vickie had never made his chest burn the way Dodo did, and just thinking of it there was something immensely important seating Vickie from Dodo.

Steven had never loved Vickie.

But Steven loved Dodo.

“Feeling my way through the darkness,

guided by a beating heart. I can't tell where the journey will end, but I know where to start” As Steven’s song died out, Dodo replaced it one of her own, her sweet vocal filling the room once more. “They tell me I'm too young to understand. They say I'm caught up in a dream. Well life will pass me by if I don't open up my eyes, well that's fine by me!” She stops. Dodo looks at Steven and their eyes meet, a moment loaded with more emotion than Steven ever imagined feeling in his entire life passing between the two of them.

“So wake me up when it's all over, when I'm wiser and I'm older. All this time I was finding myself, and I didn't know I was lost.” Steven’s familiar with the song, filling in missing lyrics with ease.

“I tried carrying the weight of the world, but I only have two hands. I hope I get the chance to travel the world, but I don't have any plans” Dodo continued to sing, her fingers dancing across guitare but her eyes frequently look away to meet Steven’s. Tears were pooling in them, he noticed, and suddenly it felt like someone was squeezing his heart so tight it might just break under the pressure of it. “I wish that I could stay forever this young, not afraid to close my eyes. Life's a game made for everyone, and love is the prize.”

Steven smiled at Dodo, and this time, it was he to leaned in to kiss her. Their lips brushed against each other and Steven could feel Dodo’s arms wrapping around his neck. He took it as encouragement, grabbing her waist and pulling her up to sit beside him on piano bench.

“I love you Steven.” Dodo whispered, her lips leaving his as she snuggled into the crook of his neck. “You are the best guy I ever met.” The arms around his neck hold together, and he hold her around her back, protecting her.

“I love too” Steven replies, feeling the words getting stuck in his throat but pushing himself to say it anyway. Because he loves her, he truly do. Steven Taylor completely love Dodo Chaplet. And he knows, that at this moment she needs to hear it. “So, that was why you kept kissing me, did you?” Steven suggested.

“I didn’t know how to tell you...it’d have been so awkward to just say it!” Dodo giggled from over her shoulder. He could practically hear his smile. “But then you were with the guitarre and I just...I thought that this, this is the man I love. And I kissed you.”

Dodo’s childish description of her feelings towards him made Steven’s heart flutter, and he leaned in, kissing  her in top of the head. “And I think that was a very good idea”

---

A few hours later, The Doctor came wandering back into the console room. Having kept out for several hours to let his companions untangle all those messy human feelings, he smiled at what he found.

Both his companions lay together on the floor, sleeping, caught in a strong and warm embrace even as they slept.

Unceremoniously, The Doctor threw a flew blankets over them, figuring that it would do for the time being until they woke up and decided to get off the floor.

Still, as cross as The Doctor was for his companions being irresponsible and sleeping on the floor; he was glad they had worked out everything between them. Human emotions were ugly and complicated, and it was always best to keep them to a minimum and keep as positive as possible.

Besides, they looked happy and content, and for The Doctor, that was what mattered the most.

#gvfpv write #dodo chaplet #steven taylor #first doctor #doctor who