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bridgyrose · 3 years

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The Knight Ruby Rose sustained a life threatening wound. Only the feared witch Cinder Fall could heal her but it's a lengthy process. As the healing occurred, Cinder butters up to Ruby, offering the Knight a place by her side as her partner... and lover...

Cinder sighed and pushed Ruby back down onto the bed, jabbing a small needle into the girl. “You need to keep resting.”

Ruby frowned and winced as she felt the needle in her arm. “And I said I was fine. I need to get out there and defend the kingdom-”

“The only thing you need to do is sleep.” Cinder walked away from Ruby, grabbing a few herbs to crush. “You’re lucky that arrow missed your heart.”

Ruby sighed and laid back down, looking up at the ceiling of the hut. “How… how much longer am I going to have to stay here?”

“However long it takes for that wound to heal. I havent seen magic like that in years.”

“So, no chance of leaving in a few days then?”

“Could be days, could be months, maybe even years.” Cinder looked up from her pestle and mortar, grabbing a bit of honey and water. “What is it with you knights and wanting to get out into battle all the time? A healthy dose of fear might keep you all alive…”

“Are all witches like you? Nagging and-” Ruby quit speaking as she felt her voice leave her throat, hesitating as she gently felt it.

“You better watch your tongue, knight,” replied Cinder, glaring at the young knight. “There’s a reason your kingdom fears me, and I have no problem showing you why. Now, if I give you your voice back, will you behave?”

Ruby silently nodded.

“Good.” Cinder waved her hands in a few gestures, muttering a few words under her breath. “Speak.”

“I… I’m sorry.” Ruby slumped in her bed, letting out a heavy sigh. “I’m tired of lying around. That's all I’ve been doing for a week.”

“You should’ve thought about that before getting shot.”

“If I hadnt gotten in the way, then Weiss-”

“Yes, yes, your precious mage would be dead, I know.” Cinder moved her hair out of her eyes for a moment before going back to work on her healing salve. “Is that really all you care about? Throwing your life away for a woman who doesnt acknowledge you and a kingdom that will replace you?”

Ruby went silent, taking in Cinder’s words. There was a bit of truth to it all: Weiss never did acknowledge the feelings that Ruby had for her, and even her kingdom was willing to send her on the front lines to slay the grimm that terrorized the villages.

Cinder walked over to Ruby, taking the salve and rubbing it on the wound. “Honestly, I dont get what you see in her. She’s frigid, she never gives you the time of day-”

“I get it… you arent fond of her.”

“I’m not fond of anyone. That’s what happens when you’re beaten for accidentally killing a friend.”

Ruby paused for a moment. “You… killed your friend?”

“Like I said, it was an accident.” Cinder sat the bowl down and started changing Ruby’s bandages. “I was orphaned and taken in by a stranger. I never knew where I came from or what kind of abilities I’d have. The day I found out I had magic, was the same day I accidentally hurt my best friend. We… had a fight. Sure, we were just kids, but words were said that can never be taken back. Then, I felt a power rising inside of me. It made me feel… like I could do anything. A few words raced through my mind and I spoke them aloud. Next thing I remember was smoke coming from my fingertips and my friend was burned. She lived for another three days until she couldnt anymore. The village took me to the local knights and had me beat for killing with magic.”

“I… I didnt know…”

“I didnt expect you to. You know just as well as I do that in your kingdom, magic is feared. Yet, there are still a few who are allowed to study those arts as long as they serve the king. And those of us who are never given the chance have to find our own way to live in this world. And some of us gain reputations for protecting ourselves.”

Ruby slowly nodded and put a hand on Cinder’s. “Maybe I can put in a word for you to become a royal healer-”

“I cant.” Cinder finished with Ruby’s bandages and went outside to tend her flowers. “Now rest so the salve can do its work.”

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ruby aimed her bow at a nearby rabbit, wincing as she drew an arrow back. She had been resting and healing for almost a month, and she still couldnt fight. She slowly lowered her bow and sighed, falling onto her back and looking up at the sky.

“I told you that you’d have to wait a while longer.” Cinder walked over, setting down a basket next to Ruby. “Eat.”

Ruby sighed and picked up one of the fruits. “And how much longer is that?”

“Judging by the scarring on your chest, I’d say about another week. Then, you can go back to the kingdom and start fighting again.”

“And… if I dont want to?”

Cinder looked at her curiously. “And why wouldnt you? Afterall, didnt you say that your battalion is useless without you leading them?”

“They are, but it seems like they’re moving on with another leader.”

“So, what? You’re going to retire?”

“Retire from being a knight, maybe. But I’m thinking about becoming a mercenary now. Maybe stick around here a while longer.”

Cinder smirked a bit, sitting down next to Ruby. “Finally taking up my offer on helping me, are you?”

“Finally taking up your offer on being by your side.” Ruby laid back down, taking a bite of the fruit in her hand as she looked up to the sky. “Maybe you’re right and there’s more to life than being a knight for a king. And maybe you can show me all the places you’ve been.”

“Stick around me for too long, and people will start fearing you the same way they fear me.”

“Then let them. I still have my friends, and I have you.”

#rwby #ruby rose #rwby ruby rose #cinder fall #drabbles #knight au #cinder x ruby #fallen petals

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embidedbythesand · 3 years

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how nature points out the folly of man (fanfic)

gvk spoilers!!! you have been warned!!!!

AN - After being diappointed by Ren's lack of character development, I decided to take matters into my own hands and at the very least gave one of the most important characters of the Monsterverse's angsty son a redemption ark. (To give sum credit where it's due this is partially inspired by 'Abraxas' (if u havent read that yet read it it's *chefs kiss*)

(Constructive criticism is always appreciated)

fanfic availiable on ffn and ao3 (when ig et an account jgjehgaeg)

Summary: For the first time in five years, Ren Serizawa was almost glad his father was dead.

We knew the world would not be the same. A few people laughed, a few people cried. Most people were silent. I remembered the line from the Hindu scripture, the Bhagavad-Gita; Vishnu is trying to persuade the Prince that he should do his duty, and to impress him, takes on his multi-armed form and says, 'Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.'

He never meant for things to end up this way.

He just wanted peace.

All Ren Serizawa could think as he trudged his way up the stairs of Castle Bravo up to the flight deck was how tired he was. Yet, another sleepless night brings him back up to his best hiding spot, away from all the lights and noises and everyone and everything reminding him of what he did, what it led to.

It led to over four thousand dead.

Simmons ignored his pleas to at least test the Mecha with the energy they extracted. The man was blinded by his own fantasy of humanity reigning the earth once again to see the entity they had awoken, and Ren had been too blinded by grief to see that Walter was merely using him for his own gain, and wasn’t afraid to put him or his own daughter in harm’s way to get what he wanted.

The last thing he remembered before waking up confined to a bed in the Argo with a throbbing headache is being paralyzed by a force beyond comprehension in Monster Zero’s skull. The distorted computer’s warning drained out by the ever growing hum. And then the hum began to cackle.

Then nothing.

They said it was a miracle he was able to walk, talk or think, moreso that he was even alive.

Ren disagrees. He sees it as a curse.

The breeze greeted him immediately as he opened the door to the deck. He inhaled, tasting the salty air and exhaled, letting go of all the tension in his muscles as he did so. The night was silent minus the waves crashing below. He tried to focus on the sound as he walked towards the railing, trying to drown out the flashbacks of the god forsaken sinister voice that overflowed his brain in that machine, tormenting him, taunting him. Almost as if saying, “Now look what you’ve done little one. You awoke a force your pathetic little mind cannot even begin to conceive. You never learn. And now you will feel my rage until you can feel no more. I’ll show you. I’ll show all of you.”

As he lights a cigarette with shaky hands, Ren thinks, for the first time in five years, he was almost glad his father had died.

Blowing the smoke into the air and watching it until it diminished into nothing, he wonders what he would say to him, if anything at all. Would he even be able to even look at him? Perhaps his miraculous survival was at the thanks of him, his way of punishing him for his deadly error. He’d rebelled against his upbringing to respect the course of nature, never to fight against it. He let himself be manipulated into playing God only to become the Devil’s advocate, and he was now living in his own personal hell.

Because living with the heavy burden of his mistake was a punishment worse than death.

He’s so lost in his own head that he doesn’t even see the blue glow in the sea below beckoning closer and closer until he spots familiar dorsal fins breaking through the surface. He tumbles back and collapses to the floor, dropping his pack in the meantime, staring up in shock and amazement as the king of the monsters rises before him, staring directly back at him.

The titan his father died for. The titan he nearly killed himself trying to destroy.

Gojira.

The king looks down at him with curiosity, leaning closer with a deep bellowing rumble, close enough that he could have named the colors in his irises had it not been so dark. He huffs, the hot wind so forceful, it nearly pushes him back down again. Gojira lets a rumble escape his throat, as if he was saying, “I know you.”

Ren slowly gets back onto his feet and takes a step back, trying to control his breathing. The titan continued to stare him down inquisitively almost looking like he was trying to pinpoint where he had seen him before. Every alarm in Ren’s head rang at him to run, to say something, to do something, but he’s frozen. Whether it was from fear or awe, he’s not quite sure.

He wonders if this was how his father felt when he entered his chamber.

A growl brings him back to his majesty’s full attention, and his blood went cold.

This is it. Gojira recognizes him. He knows what he’s done and how he tried to destroy him and now he’s here to get his revenge. He braces himself and cowers down, waiting for the king to finish him and put him out of his misery. He continues to wait for the end to come, but it never came.

He just stood there, now with a mischievous look in his eyes. Ren’s blood begins to boil.

<“You BASTARD!”> he shouts in Japanese, so forceful that even Gojira looks taken aback.

<“How dare you torment me after everything! Who do you think you are?! You think you can just show yourself whenever you like, come and go as you please?! Take whatever and do whatever your heart desires and expect us to rejoice in your grace and sing kumbaya?!”> Ren stops to regain his breath, his vision beginning to blur, tears beginning to fall. He squeezes his eye shut as tight as he could, refusing to let the king see him begin to finally break after years of keeping his composure. <”My father gave you his life to you and what do you do? NOTHING! You don’t even blink! You have no remorse! He saw you as a God and valued you more than anything and you go on as if nothing happened! You took everything from me!”>

<”Then you come and taunt me! To show me how much of a coward my father’s pathetic excuse of a son is! You don’t think I know this already?! IknowIknowIknow!>”

He’s screaming through sobs now. He doesn’t care.

Looking up to the sky he shouts angrily at his father, <“Look what you’ve DONE! Look what your choice led to! Here I am breaking down to a giant ancient radioactive lizard,”> he dramatically motions his hands towards the beast while shouting to the stars, <”because you left me here! You left me behind! And now I’ve ruined everything! Is this your way of punishing me?! Is this what you want?!?!”> He hoped he could hear him.

Ren chokes and gasps for air and screams with all of his might before collapsing down onto his knees, pounding his fists onto the hard pavement like a child not getting his way, not even noticing that Gojira had moved closer to him until he falls and lands on his snout. He continues to slam his fists with his body onto him, before residing and burying his eyes into the heels of his palms, crying, <”Why did it have to be you?”> into them.

“<Why did you have to go?>”

He sobs for several more minutes, now shouting, <”I’m sorry, I’m so so sorry.”> into his hands over and over until he has no more tears left to cry. Once he finally regains his breath, he shakily stands up and pats his pockets for his cigarettes again. When he doesn’t feel them in there, he looks around and doesn’t see them. Assuming they fell into the ocean during his tantrum, he sighs defeated.

Gojira rumbles to remind him he’s still there. Ren looks up at him in his eyes again. This time however, he sees the strangest thing. Recognition. Compassion, even.

After a moment, He slowly takes a step forward, and reaches his hand out to rest on his face. (Ren doesn’t have to wonder if his father did the same, he knows.)

“Sorry for hitting you.” he says. (It roughly translated to, "I'm sorry I tried to replace you. For betraying him, betraying you. I'm sorry for all of it, for evrything." and everything his throat was too sore to speak outloud)

Gojira huffs in reply.

(That roughly translated to, “I Forgive You.” he wasn't referring to the poke on snout)

Ren pulls his hand away and Gojira pulls back as well, they share one final look before the titan turns and dives back into the ocean, splashing Ren in the process and disappears below the waves.

Ren sleeps that night, a lifetime’s worth of wounds finally beginning to heal.

#godzilla spoilers #gvk spilers #godzilla vs kong #ren serizawa #dr ishiro serizawa #godzilla #monsterverse

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fractallogic · 2 years

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Ffs BODY why are you doing this to me

All day long I’m all “ugh I’m so sweaty this is disgusting I hate how I smell and how I’m just …damp and there are SO MANY STAIRS who tf said it was okay to have SO MANY FUCKING STAIRS in one city”

And all day I’m like “maybe scone will be Up For It. Maybe I can convince myself to be Up For It. I should shower so I feel better. We’ve been having a ‘rest’ day today. It has been at LEAST six months since we’ve slept together both due to distance circumstances and due to these fucking antidepressants making me go ‘sex? Never heard of it’.”

And then we do the walk around the lights, which, meh. Was fine. Had a burger, which oh my fuck was very good, like not “in n out after not having it for two years” good or smashburger Arizona or Colorado state special burger good, but it was “wow this BUN??? This MEAT??? Wow this is GOOD” good. At last returned to the Airbnb. Drank a whole bunch of water because you get so very thirsty when water comes in tiny European-sized glasses at room temperature. I have never been so ready for a shower in my life, as I have thought literally every evening since the evening of the 27th of December. Sat down on the couch. Realized I felt like I was hit by a truck. “Okay all I have to do is shower and go to sleep”.

Scone goes “hm that sounds like a good idea” and I cannot possibly put two and two together until the very end of his shower when he comes back into the room where I’m laying half-asleep with my feet up the wall and goes, “so… are you tired” (which is one of the code words for “do you want to have sex”) and this wave of guilt-shame-and-too-much-water-ingesting nausea washes over me for wanting nothing more than to go to sleep but also make scone happy and AT SOME FUCKING POINT before I was on the current meds I TOO ENJOYED HAVING SEX and I excuse myself and go to the bathroom and brush my teeth trying to psyche myself up for it, but of course since I said “yes I’m exhausted I’m sorry” he took it like a reasonable human being and decided to get ready for bed, and then the guilt deepens because I am so excited to GO TO SLEEP and I also just really don’t want to be here anymore that yes, I do start crying as I try to explain that I’m sorry, it’s not him, I’m so tired, I’m so sorry, and he, like a rational human, is like no it’s okay don’t worry, I understand!! Go to bed, it’ll happen someday. And in my head I’m like BUT WHAT IF IT DOESNT. WE ARE GOING TO GET FUCKING DIVORCED AND I HAVENT SENT THE THANK YOU NOTES OUT. WE CANT GET DIVORCED WHILE YOUR GREEN CARD IS PROCESSING—and I’m too tired to stop myself from doing the catastrophization spiral, so it’s just going to sit in my brain and I’m going to let it and hope it doesn’t turn out too bad if I just acknowledge that the feelings are there and not feed the brain trolls.

And at some point I will have to have or remind him of having the conversation about hey yeah so because I have found and slept with the scum of the earth, I’ve also been emotionally and sexually abused by multiple people, so I very much love and appreciate your attitude about it, but I also need lots of reassurance that you aren’t going to be mad or something so that I can stop making long and rambling and incoherent posts on tumblr about it

Also we can cuddle, we just can’t Cuddle(tm), which is why we need to find another alternative euphemism for having sex

(IMAGINE our mutual confusion when he says “do you want to cuddle” after a date one night and I’m like hell fuck yeah I want to cuddle!!! thinking “yeah I want the biggest squishiest sidewaysest hug snuggle you can give me”, and he’s like fuck yeah let’s get naked and I’m like … what. And he’s like …??? What???? And I use my Native Speaker Intuition(tm) to go oh shit that was a EUPHEMISM that was PRAGMATICS and TABOO AVOIDANCE not literal cuddling (and then I explain it to him, only slightly more coherently than that, and go thank god you’re also a linguist so I can say that to you in that way), and so every time I have to adjust my expectations and elaborate when I go “yes let’s CUDDLE”)

#excuse me today I am deep in a pit of self-loathing apparently #please bring me out of it sleep

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farfromtommy · 4 years

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better than this (dad!chris evans)

summary: a little insight into life as a parent with chris throughout the years

warnings: talk of preterm labor but nothing graphic or major

word count: 2,250

A/N: okay so like this idea came to me at 2 am and wrote it till about 5 in the morning and im crying at the softness. totally unedited and posted bc im so obsessed with it. i havent written in this kind of format before but i loved loved loved it. i was also thinking while writing this to do this but for steve rogers and i swear i lost my mind. if you guys are interested in something like that id love to write this but for steve <3

masterlist

add yourself to my taglist here!

After meeting through some mutual friends you fell in love with each other. Chris swore he would have married you after your first date. A ring came about a year and a half later, Chris not wanting to call you anything but his wife for any longer. One dream wedding and a month-long honeymoon around the world, you were Mrs. Y/N Evans.

The conversation about kids came fairly early in the relationship. Him coming from a big family, he wanted the same for himself. He wanted a big house in the Massachusetts suburbs, the white picket fence, a couple of dogs, and the kids. He wanted to come home from work being attacked by a couple of kids and seeing you walking towards him barefoot and pregnant.

You were an only child to divorced parents, growing up mostly on your own. You never saw yourself as a mom, but always loved the idea of running after a couple of kids. Never wanting to bring a child into the kind of world you grew up in. The sad and lonely kind of world you endured most of your life. After meeting his family after a couple of months of dating and seeing the way he interacted with his nieces and nephews, you couldn’t help but hope to see yourself raising some kids with him.

He loved the idea of raising a family with you.

Grayson Christopher Evans

You brought your first child into the world not too long after your wedding.

You were in labor for about 16 hours before you were met with the screams of a baby boy.

Your baby boy.

He cried and cried until his skin met yours, calming him down almost instantly. Looking over at Chris who was at an absolute loss for words at the little person calming himself with the sound of your heartbeat. He looked at you for a while before looking back at his baby boy.

Chris couldn’t quite process the feelings he felt that night his son was born. He knew how much he loved you. You knew how much you loved him. But having this little person as a tangible expression of your love and commitment for each other was just beyond him. It was beyond anyone.

Grayson was just like his dad. Almost an exact copy of him if you were being honest. The same big blue eyes. The same soft brown hair. The same everything. Lisa often said how much Grayson was just like Chris was when he was a kid. There was little of you visible in him. Maybe he had the curve of your nose and the shape of your lips. But he was all Chris.

His little personality bubbling since day one. You couldn't have asked for a more perfect baby. He giggled as much as he could and played until he fell asleep with a toy in his hand. You were so lucky to have been gifted this little boy as your first baby. Chris had been struggling to balance work and his responsibility to you and Grayson but never failed to make sure you knew how loved you both were, even from thousands of miles apart.

Eleanor Olivia Evans

After another long labor, you welcomed a little girl into your new family of 4. A tiny little girl who, just like your boy once did, calmed themselves down at the sound of your heart and the warmth from your body. Chris once again sat there just absolutely beside himself at the sight of the love of his life with his little girl on your chest.

Introducing Eleanor, or Ellie, to Grayson was probably one of the greatest moments of your life. Chris walked in with Grayson in his arms telling him that we needed to use our indoor voices when talking to mommy and the baby. Grayson quickly climbed to sit right next to you, not bearing even 1 day away from you. You hugged your little boy and talked to him about meeting his sister. Grayson ran his little hands running along Eleanor’s cheeks as you sat there crying at the moment they were having with each other.

Now with a 3-year-old and a 1-year-old life couldn’t have been sweeter. You had hardly been working while pregnant with Ellie, still having to keep up with a rambunctious toddler. Before kids, you were doing some writing for all sorts of movies and TV shows. After kids, you took fewer jobs that require travel and stayed mostly local.

Chris not wanting to leave you at home with a toddler and a newborn had made sure his work kept him close or allowed you and the kids to go with him. You both wanted to make sure you were there when Grayson and Ellie needed you.

If Grayson was a mama’s boy, Ellie was 1000% a daddy’s girl. She refused to let Chris out of her sight if she could help it. She refused to sleep most nights without hearing the sound of her dad’s voice and would cry and cry if he didn’t sing her to sleep. When Chris was pulled away for a week for work you were losing your mind trying to get her to sleep.

After a mild breakdown, you gave in and called Chris knowing even hearing his voice over the phone would calm the baby down. He sat there on the phone and just talked to her. She fell asleep almost immediately and slept through most of the night. You thanked Chris and ended up asking him for voice recordings of him talking and singing so you could play them in case he was pulled away again.

Charlotte Rose Evans

Charlotte, or Charlie as she's been nicknamed by her siblings, came into the world with a crew waiting so patiently for her arrival. By far the most painful and complicated birth you have had, she had quite dramatically made her entrance into the Evans family.

You had been monitored closely the last couple of months of your pregnancy as Miss Charlie tried to make an appearance early. You had some complications about halfway through and your midwife had been worried about possible preterm labor. You had started to have what you knew were contractions at 30 weeks and were immediately rushed into the hospital to try and halt the contractions and luckily succeeding.

You were placed on strict bed rest for the remainder of your pregnancy, not even allowed to stand at the stove making dinner, only getting up to use the bathroom and move from the bed to the couch.

It didn’t make your life with an overactive 4 and 2-year-old easy at all. Chris stayed home 24/7 to take care of you and his mom and sisters rotating taking the time to stay with you to help with the kids.

When Charlie did make her debut both of you were as healthy as you could be. Once again, bringing Chris to tears as another baby made their way into your family. He didn’t know he was capable of loving this much. He thought he had reached capacity after Ellie but the love he had for you and his kids just kept growing as you kept adding on.

If Grayson was all Chris, Charlie was all you. Except for her blue eye, which you figured would be a pattern with your kids. She was a copy of you and Chris ate it up. Eleanor is a perfect combination of the two of you. You could see the traits of you as well as the traits of Chris throughout her. But Charlie was completely you.

Grayson fit right into his role as big brother and protector of the Evans girls. He made sure every night he said goodnight to his sisters and told them he loved them with a kiss on their foreheads.

Ellie was excited that she no longer had to share her dolls with Grayson and would finally have a girl to play with. Charlie looked up to her big sister, seeing her as the most amazing person she has ever met.

Grayson, however, felt like he needed another sibling, specifically a boy sibling, and constantly asked you for a brother. He said to you over and over again that his friends at school had brothers and he needed one so very bad. You and Chris had agreed to stop at 3 but had given into the idea of having 1 more to try and even out the numbers. With Grayson in 2nd grade, Ellie in kindergarten, and Charlie starting Pre-K soon, having another wouldn’t be impossible.

Declan Robert Evans

The 2nd boy and the 4th and final child Chris and Y/N had brought into their world. Another perfect mix of Chris and Y/N.

His birth being the last time you would be in the hospital having a baby made it just that more emotional. You soaked in the first moments of his life just a little bit more. Chris cried just a couple more tears, seeing that angel on your chest for the first time. You admired the father of your children just a little more seeing him introduce the addition to the family to your other kids. Adoring the look on Grayson’s face when you set Declan on his lap, finally meeting the little brother he’d been wanting. Asking you if he could take him to class to show off to all his friends.

Walking around your house Declan’s first day home was more emotional than you had thought it would be. You brought every single one of your babies right through your front door. You had pictures littered around the house of moments in your life you were lucky to have immortalized forever. Knowing you had started your family here made you love everything just that much more.

Declan now 5 years old, Charlotte 8 years old, Eleanor 10 years old and Grayson at 12 years old you couldn’t imagine life any differently. You and Chris celebrated 13 years of marriage and almost 15 years together surrounded by the physical representations of the love you two shared for each other was unexplainable.

You had slowly started to get back into the work you loved doing so much after Declan started school. You were able to work on projects offered to you with Chris and had become an unstoppable duo professionally and personally.

Even having the amazing opportunities to do something you loved to do, nothing would ever beat sitting around a table listening to your kids talk about everything and anything that came to mind. Listening to them talk about what happened at school or about upcoming events they want to participate in was the highlight of your day.

Grayson had been playing with a football the moment he could pick one up. Chris nearly cried when Grayson had approached you guys about doing little league football at the rec center. Chris had been watching Patriot's games with Grayson since the day he was born. Taking him to games with Scott whenever they had the chance. The love for football ran in his blood and when he found out he could play on a team he took the chance as soon as it presented himself.

Eleanor had found a love for music and performing, just like her dad. She had picked up music and singing at a very young age, which probably came from her dad's love of performing. You encouraged her to pursue her love for music by telling her stories of when her daddy was young and used to stand on stage before he started doing big movies. She loved looking at pictures and watching old videos of Chris performing in high school whenever she'd visit Grandma Lisa.

Charlotte had picked up your love of reading and writing as soon as she could. Her favorite day of the week is when her class gets to spend time at the library finding new things to read and learn about. So far a running theme with her is books about nature and animals. She loves sitting down with you in the afternoon and telling you about what she learned in the science portion of her day. She had learned about how plants and animals interact and how important they are for all humans. She told you that when she's big she wants to make sure no one ever hurts plants and animals since they are so important for us.

Declan hadn't quite developed a love for something like his siblings had. All he cares about right now is the kind of snacks his mom packs for him and superheroes. You and Chris had introduced him to the world of superheroes recently, knowing that being in school someone was bound to mention to him about seeing his dad on a movie they watched. He was obsessed with the fact that his dad was a superhero once upon a time. He loved watching Chris' movies and would always ask to watch them whenever Chris wasn't home.

You looked at Chris from across the table as Grayson talked to him about football tryouts and asking him if they could practice after dinner. He felt your eyes on him and looked at you with a smirk and a wink thrown at you before giving Grayson his attention again.

You sat back a little to look around at this family surrounding you, knowing there was nothing better than this.

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vincent-frankenstein · 5 years

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different anon, but heck yeah u should definitely infodump about lucid dreaming!! im really interested in it

aaaaa okay !!! uh hold onto ur ears yall im abt to talk em off lmao

so !! if u didnt know, lucid dreaming is basically when you become aware that you’re dreaming while youre in a dream. once you’re aware, you can take control of the dream in literally any way u want — u can do anything, go anywhere, meet anyone, all with the knowledge that nothing can hurt u and nothing can stop u

its a fascinating concept and, the feeling when u actually become lucid for the first time? its better than anything else in the world. its the most invigorating thing u can ever feel, i think. but actually becoming lucid is, ,, , , hm. a time and a half.

putting the rest under a cut bc, hooooo boy this is gonna get long

first things first! you absolutely have to keep a dream journal. forgetting ur dreams is all well and good when ur not trying to accomplish anything in them, but if you become lucid and then wake up with only the vaguest memory of what you actually did? thats painful.

u can either go all out and get a fancy journal and write them down physically each morning, or u can do what i do and just download an app. i personally use the app Dream Catcher, which lets u tag ur dreams for easy organization. just get in the habit of writing down your dreams every morning, and if you really, really cant remember anything, just write down that you didnt dream anything that day. you’ll train your brain to remember your dreams better

secondly! reality checks! are absolutely imperative! the idea behind them is that, if you do something throughout the day that “proves” your reality, eventually you’ll start doing it in your dreams as well. for example, a common thing in my dreams is that i’ll have extra fingers, so i check my hands a lot throughout the day.

it can’t just be a casual thing, too. if all you do is glance at your hands and b like “yo looks normal, we gucci”, then you’ll do the same in your dreams even if you have Weird hands. trust me, Dream-You is an idiot, you gotta be obvious with this stuff. take a few moments, look at your hands, count out your fingers, and really think to yourself “am i dreaming?”

try to get in the habit of doing that at least 15 times a day, and eventually you’ll start doing it in your dreams too.

now, if you just stick with doing those two things — which is what i’m doing right now — your chances of becoming lucid will raise astronomically. even just those two tiny things can train your brain into realizing when the world around you is real and when it isnt. you can also attempt something really easy called a MILD — a mnemonic-induced-lucid-dream — which can help your chances even more without upping the effort

whenever you go to bed, just take a few moments — even just five minutes can help — and just. lay there. and think to urself, again and again “the next scene will be a dream” or “i will become lucid in my dreams tonight” or something similar. get ur brain really focused on lucid dreaming right before you fall asleep and chances are, those Vibes will bleed over into ur dreams and you’ll become lucid

practice those three things consistently, every day, and pretty soon you’ll start becoming lucid. it takes time, though! dont be discouraged if you end up not becoming lucid for the first few weeks, or even months. sometimes your brain just needs a bit of extra training

that’s what ive been doing for the past year or so — bc damn do i Not have the energy to actually put in too much effort — but!!! there are other techniques!!

my personal favorite is the WBTB, or wake-back-to-bed method. with this technique, you set your alarm for roughly 5-6 hours after you go to sleep so you’ll wake up inside of one of your REM cycles, specifically one where your dreams will be the most vivid. dont do anything, just roll over and go right back to sleep.

you can even use a MILD along with this, repeat whatever mantra u usually use as you fall back asleep. you should start to see hypnagogic imagery — blobs of color and vague shapes floating before your eyes. just observe them. at one point, they’ll start forming more familiar shapes, and places, and maybe even people — and there should be a moment, a snap, where you go from observing these images to actually being in the scene. you literally build the dream around yourself, its magical

i have read that WBTB can cause sleep paralysis, but i’ve never personally experienced any problems with it, aside from the fact that im always tired the next day.

another thing that could severely increase your chances of being lucid but also involves Effort — meditation. specifically mindfulness meditation. the act of bringing full awareness to your Existence, honing in on just Your body, Your mind, Your breath, will make you a more aware, mindful person, which in turn makes you more perceptive of dream signs. also, the ability to clear your mind and center yourself with a moment’s notice really comes in handy when the dream becomes destabilized and you have to take control

if ur an adhd lad like me — or neurodivergent in any way, really — the idea of meditation can be,,,, terrifying. honestly, i havent meditated in like six months now, because it really wasnt?? doing anything for me?? mostly because im absolutely incapable of sitting still for that long without Something to stimulate me

so! loophole! guided meditations. having someone else guide you through the process can make it a bit easier to focus. just find one that works for u on youtube. there are even guided meditations made specifically to prime ur brain for lucid dreaming!

so thats how you get lucid. now for when youre lucid

at first, lucid dreaming is going to be extremely hard. dreams fall apart very easily — if you get too overexcited or if a dream-character looks at you the wrong way or if you cant seem to do what you want to do, your lucidity can fade and you’ll either go back to being your normal dream self or you’ll wake up. dreams are volatile and hard to control, and even harder to master

thats where meditation comes in handy. youll have a much easier time controlling your dreams if you can look at the world around you, take a breath, center yourself, and know that you can control it. that being said, you can absolutely learn to take control without ever having meditated a day in your life. its all about your mindset!

you have to go into it with confidence. the key to controlling your dreams is knowing that they’re your dreams. you cant forget that you’re in control. thats why i feel like learning to lucid dream doubles as a lesson in self-confidence — you have to learn to trust yourself, trust that you can handle any scenario thrown at you and come out on top.

if you can achieve this mindset, you can literally do anything. ive had maybe 50 lucid dreams since i started learning about them — which… is honestly a really low amount, but. i havent really had the time/energy to really throw myself into it as much as i want to. but just in those dreams, ive flown, ive shapeshifted, ive met my sides, ive teleported to vast, gorgeous lands and seen some of the most beautiful things ive ever seen. anything is possible in a lucid dream; thats why its so worth it to put in the effort

but when youre first starting out, itll be extremely hard to maintain that mindset. like i said, Dream-you is dumb as shit — you’ll forget youre dreaming, you’ll be unable to control anything, you’ll wake up before you manage to accomplish anything. more often than not, the dream will destabilize, which is Not Fun

if the dream starts to destabilize — basically, if things start going fuzzy or vague, if you suddenly cant see, if you can feel ur body in bed, basically anything that points towards you waking up — there are ways to fix it. literally just spinning around helps for some reason? spin around, fall down, run ur hands along anything u can find and feel the texture, or just demand that the dream stabilize itself. most of the time, thatll work

and if it doesnt, dont be discouraged. theres always another night to dream

so basically: start a dream journal, do reality checks, mmmmaybe meditate if youre up for it, and your dreams will become like. at least 10x more interesting. trust me, try flying: its literally the best feeling in the entire world

its just !!! such a huge, incredible thing, and its so fascinating to learn about too. all the different ways you can train your brain, all the different things you can do, all the studies done on the subject. i suggest reading about Steven LaBerge or keith hearne. hearne led the study that proved lucid dreaming existed in the first place! he got a lucid dreamer to signal to him that he was conscious while asleep using REM (rapid-eye movement), because lucid dreaming happens during the REM state. also, robert waggoner’s book Gateway to the Inner Self is really fascinating too!

hm wow i really went ham here lmao

thanku for giving me a chance to infodump im very happy rn

#me: /spends a full half-hour infodumping abt something most people havent even heard of/#now if only i could remember this much when it comes to schoolwork lmaooooo #ty for the Infodump Permission im !! vibin rn #lowkey highkey this makes me wanna get back into it. . . might do a wbtb tonight...#personal #logan talks #lucid dreaming #Anonymous

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dank-rituals · 4 years

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Thoughts from the laundromat

Boy did I feel stupid sitting outside with my headset not able to enjoy the sun at all. Maybe it's because I really am broken this time, maybe all these years of staring at screens in the dark are actually having the negative effect I always claimed they cant, maybe I'm not wearing underwear and it's not ideal. Who knows?

Yesterday I told my therapist I'm writing a resignation letter and deciding whether I'm submitting it tomorrow. Still havent, this is more than usual procrastination. Im... damaged. Ik that sounds like dramatic nonsense, but I've spent the last 24 hours in a complete haze, half asleep, half pained twitching. I havent gotten real sleep in idk how long, my legs won't stop moving when I lie down and no matter what position I'm in my hands go numb. Even weed doesnt elate me anymore it's basically just sedation, so I've decided not to smoke for a little while. I finally walked to the laundromat, so I'll have clean clothes and towels at least. Need to do my blankets soon but this process is enough of a pain without my car. It's broken down twice this week for seemingly different reasons, and its hay season so idk when my dad will be able to look at it. Another layer in my shit sandwich, if I'm gonna quit and take a lame job to feed myself for the summer I'll need to be able to drive. I want to move again, but not for any good reason. It feels like this whole experiment failed despite my therapist and even my own constant reminders that this year has been a global catastrophe and nobody's life is going to plan. -insert whiny speech about my life always being like that- I cant build a community in a quarantine, but if I split the difference and find work in Batavia I think I can have the best of both worlds. More taco bell and less mighty taco but I'll deal lol if one of the damn hobby shops would hire me that could be a dream but those guys dont need help and if they did they have better options. I dont wanna do insurance and I'll never work on the phone again. Taco Bell in Warsaw is hiring, my therapist ordered me to apply. I feel sick and I know it's mostly depression but also I have my 5 year cancer checkup coming up. Usually I sort of hope the find something wrong because nobody should feel like I do all the time, but it's literally depression and anxiety and lack of fitness. I'm working on 2 of them, even I have to admit I've made a lot of progress mentally, even though I still lie in bed hoping a wraith will drive cold steel through my heart. I need to paint my nails, looks like it's a once a week thing and that's ok. I'm getting better, still not great. Need a haircut and a new dye, a new wardrobe wouldn't hurt either since I've finally committed to goth lol my doctor said it's about time. Demon's Souls is keeping me alive, I'm so unbelievably stoked. Sheds light on the financial risks I'm taking by leaving this job, but theres time. I have more money right now than I ever have, not that that's saying much. I can pay for the rest of this lease and not much more, which means I can buy out and move if I get lucky like 4 times over. 2 weeks notice buys me a paycheck and a half and should relieve pressure. I was gonna grind souls but typing this has eaten up most of my dryer time so that's kool. Not looking forward to walking home, didnt think walking around with a laundry basket would be embarrassing lol. It's not a big deal, I'll be happy to have clothes again. I wanna buy more shorts but I'm paralyzed about spending money on anything that's not food. I need a new mask though, seems I lost mine. I need to go home and apply for every job I can and write a resignation letter. Then maybe I'll watch Artemis Fowl and tear it apart. Or not. I need a lot of things I can't get, and a lot of things I can I won't try to. Gods I hate myself almost as much as this world that hates me. When i was a kid i had music and games, but even they feel hollow right now. I need more, and I guess I cant die without trying to get it. If you read this, well that was your mistake wasnt it. Should know better by now. Lords help my poor soul.

#vampirecmb #depression

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lizzodorito · 4 years

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quick vent

because i legit have no where else to put this sort of feeling and just.. writing it in a book or a doc just... isnt as cathartic. Hope this just fades into the void, please dont bother reading it.

Hey. screw proper grammar and spelling I just need to get thihis out.

my name is liz and hoenstly fuck this website because last time i actively used it for something other than mandolorian memes or sims mods/cc my ex boyfriend was fucking stalking me on it and catfishing me and comfort me by sending me those ask lists and i... i dunno if im over that. Fuck you Sven.

not the point, just wha t I have to think about every single damned time I find myself here no matter what.

I am so lonely. I dont have many friends at all and the ones I do are out to use me or not Get Into It with me, thouhg fair because im a shit load of a lot to deal with i guess. other friends i have are pretty backstabbing and they refuse to properly grow up and LIVE and THINK FOR OTHERS AND ALSO THINK FOR THEMSELVES WITHOUT IT HAVING TO BE DEFINED BY HOW PROUDLY TERRIBLE THEIR MENTAL HEALTH IS FUCK

And then i get shit for it

love being used guys hell yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah no i dont i hate it so much literally when was the last time anyone loved me right outside of my family and even so its not like my parents treat me well. mother you may have improved drastically, but similar to my self esteem, its still very much BELOW PAR and i hate having to witness both.

I am so lonely.

I go so long without saying any word sometimes, its a wonder i stil breath, although sometimes when i was young id forget to.

why is it that i get more depressed when i come back to the family home

does anyone else understand being family oriented to a family that really for the majority doesn’t treat you the same?

The voice in my head wont stop. it wont stop telling me all the ways i have potentially fucked my budding friendships with my new friends isha and matt

how am i a person who shares so little yet so much

BUT MY LORD THANK YOU these are people who... who are considerate and are processing what i am saying and are thinking of me

but how fucked up am i

and will that push them away

im often distasteful but all the same complex and layered and so useful and so interesting

and that’s why often enough it seems people dont put in the effort, or frankly, dont give a shit about me once i requrie effort, though their “care” for me beofre then was only for their own benefit.

im exhausted

One of my best internet friends was raped and i was the one who revealed that to her and she just didnt realize it yet and i havent been able to fall asleep without thinking about it

i have needed to cry for over a week now and i haVent gotten to still i am so sad i am SO SAD

I am so charming yet cannot help being alone no matter how enjoyable i am for others to have around

Matt

He makes me question if im asexual

But I am only a human

porbably deifntieyl still asexual

but too much all the same

Im just lonely and touch starved probably (more than usual to be clear) and want to be hugged and loved and he’s so smart and we talk for hoours and comfortably, for me, occupy eachothers’ space we talk for

hours.

this is becoming poetry.

I feel like i am beginning to sound like a hobo johnson broken record

stop being poetic fuck off liz

he;s so

I havent been hopeful like this in people for a long time

we went to a museum to support isha (she had to do a project that invovled socializing so ya know the inrovert crew (though i dont know fi matt considers himself one)) and we just were togeter (in rather close proximinity) just speaking in accents, partly hoping to excite the strangers crowding everywhere about “foriegners” being here at the exhibit... but i think it was mostly just for us. for our fun

because voices is what we like to do

i love voice acitng

he committed to it, i fell out of it more times than he did and he gets more specific with accents than i do

he likes what i do

he loves the characters and my many talents

he loves my writing

he wants me to join his dnd campaign over the summer with his friends

is it for me?

does he want... me

or just my character maggie that everyone loves

he wants me to join the campign he’s in npw with his friends, as he’s a player character and not a dm as he would be over the summer

he doesn’t quite get how lonely i am

i worry i made him and isha uncomfortable last night... i joked about actually being loved properly

he immediately looked at me strange, me not realizing the joke was taken as truth

“Liz, is there something you need to talk about?”

“Oh! Oh, well, um...” hi i come from an abusive family and you both dont realize how much it meant to me that you wanted me to come and are consitently telling me and thanking me for coming because... you’re telling me im good company and its been so long since i have had real friends or gone out with friends and ACTUALLY FULLY AND COMPLTELY HAD A GOOD TIME OH MY GOSH YOU DONT EVEN KNOW I AM SO SHY ABOUT ALL OF THIS BECAUSE HOLY FUCK I CANT EVEN ASK HOW I BECAME SUCH A BASKET CASE BECAUSE I ALREADY KNOW I ALRWADY KNOW I ALREADY KOW I ALRADY KNOW AND I HAVENT’ GOTTEN TO REALLY TELL ANYONE IN SO LONG WITHOUT THEM LEAVING ME

its been so long since ive been understood by a peer

(hi my name is liz and i am weepign right now)

“No, not yet at least.”

*isha laughs and it joined by matt soon. I’m smiling comfortably. I genuinely have a soft, contented hope i might get to tell them at least some of it one day.*

“not yet at least! sorry matt you have to be at least a level 4 friend to learn the tragic backstory”

thank you isha for lightening the mood

thank you for making the joke so many people who gave less than a fuck about me got offeneded at and confused when i made it so often years ago.

my comment was laughed off, we continued to watch the critical role espidoe i had missed

soon it was just matt and i. isha was to bed.

just him and i, and i, like id been all night (concious but making the decision to pipe down and trust the people around me), was all curled up, very relaxed and off my posture, sinking into the couch. MAtt was always upright ish. sometimes hed sink a bit or rest his hips on their side curl a little rest his head, but not as intesely as i did

sometimes he’d scoot closer to me, sometimes hed scoot away. sometimes hed move his legs so our knees would touch. i dont mind (not because i was finding it romantic, im not twelve, i just am understadning of the small situation we are in and its a knee for crying out loud) i wonder if i was taking up too much space with the way i’d sit comfortaly. I wonder if he thought so.

i would be lying if i said i didnt imagine us actually having contact with eachother. cuddling platonically.. on multiple occassions.

I have an imagination that thinks of everything and so many scenarios all at once and all the time after all

i was comfortable with the idea but

it would be a bigger lie to say i wasnt absolutely and perfectly content wiht the way it did go.

i dont thiink i will ever know if he was comofrtable on that couch or more so if it was me he was comfortable or uncomfrtoable with.

I will respect him to tell me.

he;s good at eyecontact and its comfrotable enoguh where i dont have to look away (it’s been a problem i never used to have recently)

I’d peek up at him when he’d talk to me

i felt young again

when the stream was over he got up to leave.

i dont know if we daudled. dawdled? yep thats the word

i dont know if we did

we made small talk

shitty jokes that he declared wouldn’t be the last thing we said to eachother that evening

i agreed.

the last words that night were goodnights.

me with my raspy evening voice from a day full of talking and him with a look over the shoulder from the hall as the door closed behind him

he was obviosuly very slap happy sleepy as he was talking about the light not being too bright in the hall (to his happiness)

it was a nice night

when was the last time i went to bed so happy? thanking God over and over and praying for my friend i mention way earlier

i didnt even have to drown my insomnia with a youtube video

i just went to sleep

2 am

i hope the weather continues

- jaques cruzio, pink panther

now im just in bed

at the family home

not my dorm

fighting my depression (its been three hours, i was getting exhausted by 9:30 due to it) as i rest

i was curled in a ball, slumped and face planted, arms slumped when i decided i need to talk to someone, or say something mroe than what i vented to my little sister (small bits about how lonely i feel and how i worry ive fucked things up) hours ago

and here we are

12:14 am

just some broken twenty something asexual with a mind that’s usually over sixty talking about the amazing people i met two weeks ago while in the background i think about the girl i used to be the boss of (online moderator work) and how she’s essentially in love with her idea of me and how i make her feel... and not just for me.

i am mysterious and cool and smart and hot and talented and useful to her.

I want to be complex and dedicated and helpful and pretty and so skilled and hardworking and wanted for me.

i want to be considered and deserving and im hoping that isha, matt and my other two roommates can help start to fill that hole in my life

because, God, so far they have so much potential for it in my eyes

(so far)

thanks for listening, void.

actually feeling quite a bit better. the misery is still lingering, i wonder if i should cry more. But, i can breathe easier and my eyes dont feel dead. I just am tired and am prepared to enjoy things again.

proabbly will watch claire from BA make jelly beans.

or the Noel Miller guy isha told me about.

I dont know if it’s appropriate if i downloaded matt’s contact into my phone from when isha put us both in a groupchat together and i hope its not weird and i hope maybe he did the same, but by God i dont think i’ll be texting him first.

i like in person better.

with anyone.

always have

i have so much more on my mind

#me

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t4fourandmore · 5 years

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Stuck in the middle

As I start this blog entry I’m not even sure what to write! I’m in bed feeling really poorly today and just felt the need to write something! I didn’t know what to “title” this entry and, as I looked at my blog description, I realised it wasn’t true anymore!

“Tales and musings of a 40 something mum of 3″!

I had my birthday last week so I’m not 40 something anymore. I’m not 50 something either, I’m just plain old 50! Old being the operative word! So, then I realised I’m “stuck in the middle” of being 40 something and 50 something. I won’t lie, it’s been a tough few months receiving a cancer diagnosis, recovering from surgery, waiting for radiotherapy to start and then the radiotherapy itself, so it’s true to say that I feel “stuck in the middle” for a number of reasons which makes it an appropriate blog title!....

stuck in the middle of 40 something and 50 something

stuck in the middle of mid life

stuck in the middle of cancer treatment

stuck in the middle of a shitty time

I always like to end my blogs on a positive note (which I most definitely will), but I also want to be real and I’m crashing a bit at the moment and feel like I need to have a moan about stuff that really has felt quite shitty! (scuse the language!). I will then even out the scales of equilibrium and think about all the opposite things that I am really grateful for.

So, things that have felt shitty:

not being able to go to work and make a difference supporting families for the wonderful trust that I work for

not being able to get on with my second job/business that I started just a month before my diagnosis so I can ensure I can provide financially for my children

not having the energy or inclination to have a social life (or stay up late!)

being so tired I have to go to bed before my children

not having the energy or inclination to keep my house tidy and clean and therefore having to look at all the clutter around me!

the soreness, stiffness and scars from surgery

having to cancel plans and birthday celebrations because I’m not feeling well enough

the side effects from taking Tamoxifen, not least being the night sweats and hot flushes (see photo below of a birthday card which made me LOL!)

the soreness from the radiotherapy made worse by having big boobs which is making getting comfortable and sleeping well rather tricky (coupled with the night sweats!)

being a hormonal, tearful mess

driving to the hospital every day for 4 weeks for radiotherapy

getting your “la la’s” out for strangers every day for 4 weeks (to be fair they weren’t strangers by the end of the 4 weeks but still....)

noticing that one boob now looks completely different to the other one and you don’t have a matching pair anymore :(

not having the energy or inclination to be active and exercise, which along with other things (underactive thyroid/tamoxifen, liking chocolate and cake) makes you feel fat, unfit and frumpy

not being allowed to lose weight (or gain!) even if you could because it will mess up your radiotherapy planning/tattoos

having to do “weigh in Wednesdays” at Radiotherapy to make sure you havent gained or lost much weight!

not being able to sit out in the sun (because of radiotherapy treatment)

finishing your 20th radiotherapy treatment but knowing that the radiation dose has not peaked yet and I’m likely to feel worse / more sore over the next 10-14 days

not being able to take the children away over the summer because of treatment/hospital appointments etc

having a sudden realisation that you actually have had cancer and some very gruelling surgery and treatment which is making you feel a bit fed up

feeling guilty that you’re a bit fed up when you know how fortunate you are that it was caught early and you didn’t have to have chemotherapy

Ok, enough of the moaning.....let’s even things up a bit. I am grateful.....

for having an amazing job that I can go back to and a really lovely and understanding manager and boss who have made me feel supported fully through this whole process.

for being part of a fantastic and ethical organisation that allows me to earn a second income around my own time/needs

for my friends who understand if I can’t face going out and will be there to go out with me when I can

for having children who have looked after me and are old enough to put themselves to bed now and have cooked, cleaned and provided lifts and plenty of hugs and love

for our own house to live in and a pillow on which to lay my head, food in the fridge and really lovely neighbours

for the skill of the medical staff to remove the tumour and give me the best treatment

for having a really lovely birthday week feeling loved and looked after and showered with beautiful gifts, cards and flowers

for knowing I can spend the rest of the year celebrating the milestone of turning 50

that the NHS are providing me with a drug that will make it much less likely to have a recurrence of breast cancer

for having a bf who is kind, caring and understanding and has made me feel so loved through this whole process

that T1 had an amazing time being a Leader at Camp America and came home in time to help out at home and with lifts when my radiotherapy started

that bf lives on the beach only an hour away for time to relax and recuperate and that the sun shone nearly every time I went to the beach

for the fact that Basingstoke has a radiotherapy machine now and I didn’t have to travel to Southampton or Guildford every day

for the respect, kindness and professionalism of the whole Radiotherapy team who looked after me so well and even surprised me on my birthday with prosecco, a card and balloons

that I had 2 working boobs that have nourished and fed all 3 of my children and that the tumour was removed and the lymph node was clear

that I have finished treatment and in time will be able to resume exercise and start feeling better, becoming more active and losing weight

that I have been able to book a holiday in the sunshine for a few weeks and enjoy time with T2, T3 and bf

that all the technology and advancements means my cancer was caught early and I have a good prognosis

I know I’ve done a couple of gratitude blog entries previously but I highly recommend it to give yourself a bit of a lift....it’s quite an addictive thing to do once you start...I like to think of it like the breastfeeding (apt topic!) sweet pea analogy that they told me when I was pregnant with Ashley at NCT classes - the more you pick the more you grow = the more you feed the more milk you produce = the more you are grateful for, the more things you will notice you have to be grateful for!

And this post can’t go without who I am grateful to for all these things - that would be God - All the glory goes to Him.

If I keep my eyes on Him, I know everything will be ok and whenever I am having a wobble (as I was yesterday), He always sends the right message to let me know that everything will be ok and that I can get through this if I trust in Him. If you feel like you are in the middle of something that you don’t think you can get through I would encourage you to read it.

UCB Word for Today - You Can Get Through This

‘He will yet fill your mouth with laughter and your lips with shouts of joy.’ Job 8:21 NIV

I’m looking up....how about you?

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ktrsss1fics · 7 years

Text

Cheeseburger in Paradise: Five.

What’s the best way to cure a hangover?

For some, it’s a marathon sleep session and a few gallons of red Gatorade.

For others, it’s an early morning run around the block and a fresh smoothie before a few hours of yoga.

For Georgina Ferguson, it was getting on a boat at eight o'clock in the morning after four hours of sleep and a small piece of avocado toast.

Her head was throbbing. Her stomach was in knots. And the sound of a certain boy’s laugh was about to send her over the edge. She wanted nothing more than to crawl back into bed and wake up when the sun was starting to set and the little hole in the wall started to make their obnoxiously delicious jerk chicken kebabs.

But she agreed to go parasailing.

At the time it was suggested, it seemed like a good idea. As soon as Brittany jumped on her bed earlier that morning to wake her up, Georgina realized it was not.

“How ya holdin’ up?” Brittany asked nudging her gently.

“If he doesn’t stop with that fuckin laugh, I’m feedin’ ‘im to a shark.” Georgina grumbled.

“Oi, give 'im a break. He’s having fun.” Brittany said looking over at their Irish friend.

“Well he should do it somewhere else.” Georgina said burying her head in her hands.

“Did you really drink that much last night?” Brittany asked scanning Georgina’s face.

Georgina lowered her sunglasses and shot her best friend a dirty look. The dark rings under her puffy eyes spoke for themselves.

“What do you remember?” Brittany asked knowing that look all too well.

“I don’t know.” Georgina mumbled putting her glasses back into place.

“C'mon G.” Brittany said rubbing Georgina’s thigh lovingly.

“You got me up at the arse crack of dawn and put me on a boat that will most likely be covered in my stomach lining by the end of the day.” Georgina groaned. “And now you want me to open up to you about a night I don’t remember. Where is the love Brittany Anne, hmm? Where is the love?”

“You really don’t remember anything?” Brittany asked sounding disappointed.

“Ehhh…” Georgina replied.

Did she remember anything? Yes. She did.

Was she willing to admit it? No. Not at all.

Because if she did, then she would have to admit that she let Niall Horan kiss her and get away with it.

And that was not something she was willing to admit. At least not before she had time to over analyze every decision she had made the night before.

“Keith threw up by the pool.” Georgina said after playing with the idea of being honest.

“And the driveway.” Brittany added feigning disgust.

“Um there is a plant called the love tree and it has heart shaped leaves.” Georgina rattled off trying to play it cool.

As soon as those words left her lips, she felt a pair of eyes land on her. She refused to acknowledge the boy who they belonged to. She knew why he was looking but hadn’t realized he’d been listening.

“Excuse me, what?” Brittany asked confused.

“Yeah um I don’t know its like real name but apparently there is a real plant that has leaves that look like hearts.” Georgina shrugged trying to explain her new found knowledge.

“You’re such a fuckin weirdo babe.” Brittany laughed.

“You asked what I remembered and that is something I remembered.” Georgina said.

“How is that even something you remember?” Brittany shook her head.

“I don’t know.” Georgina said. “I just do.”

Regretfully, Georgina looked up. An appreciative smile graced the lips of a boy she was trying her best to ignore. She focused her eyes back on the floor. She didn’t have time for boys like him.

“Do you remember anything else?” Brittany asked hoping to get more information out of her friend.

Georgina let out a sigh. “Nope.”

Brittany scooted closer before lowering her voice. “So you don’t remember someone kissing you?”

“How do you know about that?” Georgina narrowed her eyes at her friend.

“I saw it go down. Wait, you remember that happening?” Brittany said with an excited grin.

“Yeah but I wasn’t going to admit it to you.” Georgina mumbled embarrassed.

“You like him.” Brittany said reading between the lines.

“No I don’t.” Georgina scoffed.

“God just sit on his face already Fergie. We all know you want to.” David’s voice croaked cheekily as he sat down beside her.

“For fucks sake.” Georgina grumbled as she pulled her knees towards her chest in an attempt to hide her blushing cheeks.

She really just wanted to throw herself off the boat. She didn’t care how far out they were. She didn’t care if fish or sharks or Ursula was waiting for her beneath the surface. She just wanted something to completely swallow her up.

“David Allen!” Brittany said scolding him.

“What?” Dave whined childishly.

“You can’t say shit like that.” Brittany whispered before glancing across the boat. Niall was trying his best to act like he hadn’t heard what was said. But his blushing cheeks were hard to miss.

“Like he doesn’t know already.” Dave said placing a hand on Georgina’s knee. “This one’s just playing hard to get.”

“Will you knock it off?” Brittany sighed. “We said we wouldn’t meddle.”

“Yeah but she’s into him. Why can I just help her realize it?” David said gently.

“Telling me to sit on someone’s face and coaxing me into realizing I have nonexistent feelings are two different things you twat.” Georgina sassed.

“And if she has feelings for him, it’s none of our business.” Brittany said giving her boyfriend a dirty look. “We talked about this.”

“Well excuse me sorry for trying to help.” David said before standing up. Both women shot him dirty looks. “I can tell I’m not wanted over here. I’ll just go talk to Keith instead.”

“Yeah brilliant idea.” Brittany said before turning to her friend. “Georgie–”

“I don’t have feelings for him or at least I don’t think I do.” Georgina said softly. “The kiss was just confusing and it caught me off guard.”

Brittany just nodded. “That’s okay G.”

“I don’t know what’s going on with me. I’m usually so sure with my feelings - especially when it comes to him.” Georgina explained. “But after yesterday, I just don’t know. I mean I still want to strangle him but I am kind of starting to enjoy looking at him.”

“And that’s perfectly normal.” Brittany smiled.

Georgina opened her mouth to say something but decided against it. She knew what Brittany was going to say. Niall was not Marcus. He was Niall and that made him better in every single way.

“You don’t have to have things sorted out right now.” Brittany said.

“I know.” Georgina sighed. “Haven’t really processed it all.”

“He’s scared of you.” Brittany said with a smirk.

Georgina looked across the boat to find Niall in a conversation with Dave and the boys. She slid her sunglasses on top of her head before turning her attention to Brittany.

“When he went to the bar after he kissed you, I ran into him. He was too scared to give you the drink.” Brittany explained. “He asked me to do it.”

“Why didn’t you?” Georgina asked. “I mean I could have used a little pep talk after it.”

“Sometimes you’ve got to let the people you love do things on their own.” Brittany shrugged.

Georgina rolled her eyes before putting her glasses back on. “Fuck, I’m too hungover for that shit Britt.”

“It’s true.” Brittany laughed at Georgina’s dramatics.

“When did you become a fucking Hallmark card?” Georgina asked.

“Oh stop. You know I’m just looking out for the two of you.” Brittany placed her head on her friend’s shoulder.

“You should be looking out for that boyfriend of yours.” Georgina said still disgusted by David’s comment.

“I can’t believe he bloody said that to you.” Brittany sighed. “I am so sorry.”

Georgina rested her head against Brittany as a comfortable silence fell between them. The early morning sun was dancing across the water as they continued to head to the middle of ocean. Her eyes wandered around the boat before landing on the group of boys in the corner. Dave was going on about a part of the night she hadn’t remembered and Niall was eating up every second of it.

She didn’t understand how he was doing it. He had consumed twice the amount of alcohol that she did yet he was walking around like almost fully functional human being. How was he acting like nothing happened? She didn’t know. She did know that his laugh was going to do her head in.

Georgina felt her best friend shift from beneath her.

“Wanna ride with me?” Brittany asked softly.

“Yes.” Georgina said. “Please.”

“I need a break from Dave.” Brittany said with a sigh. “Who says that shit this early?”

“It’s okay B. He was just trying to be funny.” Georgina said reassuringly.

“He doesn’t even like when I do that to him. Why would he assume that Niall would want you to do that?” Brittany said with a hint of annoyance in her voice. “Unless they’ve discussed it.”

“And if that’s the case, I do not want to know.” Georgina cringed picturing the boys talking about any of the girls that way.

“How was the – you know?” Brittany asked lowering her voice towards the end.

“It was short but okay I guess.” Georgina said replaying the kiss in her head. “More like a peck nothing too substantial.”

“Would you want something more substantial?” Brittany asked smugly. Georgina sighed, “Honestly?”

“Fuck!” Brittany’s eyes lit up as she studied her best friend’s face. “You do.”

Georgina closed her eyes embarrassed. “If we keep getting as pissed as we did last night, I’m afraid it’s going to happen.”

“You haven’t had a good snog in ages.” Brittany pointed out.

“Would be easier to find some island guy for that.” Georgina joked.

“The boys wouldn’t let that happen.” Brittany said.

“I know. They are all so damn protective.” Georgina said. “I’m fine on me own.”

Niall cackled loudly catching their attention. She hated what it did to her. He turned her insides into goo and set her skin on fire. He was slowly chipping away at the tough exterior she had built before she left England and she didn’t like it.

“I think by the end of this trip, something will have happened between you two.” Brittany said keeping her eyes on Niall.

“Why’d you say that?” Georgina asked doing the same.

“Have you seen the way the kid looks at you?” Brittany asked.

“Stop putting those thoughts in me head.” Georgina grumbled.

“You are two single adults. It’s okay to have those thoughts G.” Brittany said patting her on the leg. “He’s not Marcus.”

“No he’s just a hot young millionaire who could get any girl in the world that he wants.” Georgina said as Niall caught her staring.

A shy smile was sent in her direction.

“Yeah but you see that?” Brittany asked nodding towards their friend. “He only has eyes for you.”

#1dff #niall horan fanfiction #cip #fergie and niall

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gooeyguy · 7 years

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email to my teacher (warning alot of personal stuff)

Hey so, sorry to email you out of nowhere like this? But i feel like maybe im finally at a point where i can explain more thoroughly why im having trouble with school or just succeeding in general. I think its really important that i tell you some of this junk because theres a chance it might make the rest of the year easier for you and me.

I wanted to start off with apologizing for all the trouble ive caused you throughout the year with the annoying comments, disruptions and backtalk. And most of all the terrible ability i have with doing and turning in work.

This email is mostly to explain my situation and reasoning for acting/struggling the way i have been (not to annoy you or be sarcastic).

Alright so, if you havent noticed i struggle with some things and one of them i never really bring up is ptsd. I have been diagnosed and im hoping to enlighten you on my specific issues with it, (everything i mention will apply to me as to make it less confusing from here on)

I have a specific type of ptsd called Complex post-traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD; also known as complex trauma) This type of ptsd is different in that it results from repetitive, prolonged trauma. My causes for being diagnosed are specifically natural-detachment from my mother and physical/sexual abuse growing up and some other things im not going to mention.

My side effects from this are,

Attachment – "problems with relationship boundaries, lack of trust, social isolation, difficulty perceiving and responding to other's emotional states, and lack of empathy"

This is strongly linked to my reactive attachment disorder and explains alot to why i am the way i am. Heres a link to a website http://www.webmd.com/mental-health/mental-health-reactive-attachment-disorder#1 that explains a bit of what it is so that i do not have to make this already long email that much longer, i would also really appreciate it if you read even just a little.

I have an extreme lack of trust in others and am constantly doubting myself, there is not a second of the day where i dont think im a horrible person, i could be doing better, im disgusting to look at ect. The social isolation is a big problem for me, because im “this way” i feel that bothering others with my presence/problems/medical difficulties ect. is not necessary and for the better. Hence why i refrain from asking when i really need help, im scared to bother you. I dont want to make you angry and i know you and mrs mumford are already so stressed by the time my bell starts.

Biology – "sensory-motor developmental dysfunction, sensory-integration difficulties, somatization, and increased medical problems"

This ties into my Fibromyalgia and eds which ill explain more about after i go through ptsd. Its all kind of one big mixed bag of disorders that tie together and make me the way i am.

Affect or emotional regulation – "poor affect regulation, difficulty identifying and expressing emotions and internal states, and difficulties communicating needs, wants, and wishes"

Like i talked about before i feel extremely useless and annoying when asking for help or even talking about the things i enjoy. And when trying to explain my difficulties i stop midsentence or forget words/forget what my problem is and it becomes frustrating.

Dissociation – "amnesia, depersonalization, discrete states of consciousness with discrete memories, affect, and functioning, and impaired memory for state-based events"

THIS is what i blame for never being able to remember anything. With fibromyalgia i have whats called “brain fog” and with the constant dream like state im in because of dissociation it makes my memory absolutely terrible. Remembering your names in class took me until almost 3rd quarter and it was utterly embarrassing(i still forget sometimes), its even more embarrassing when i forget basic buttons on the calculator and have to ask in front of everyone looking like an idiot.Or when i try to shout out an answer in class and it comes out gibberish because my mind is everywhere all at once, Or when we have a test on the formula we learned a week ago, and of course my mind draws a blank. I cant remember, and it makes me so frustrated with myself that i want to break down right there in class. It renders me doing weird things too, like the other day i put the icecream in the bread drawer, and on sunday i woke up and got ready for school. Theres alot of other things i could say but its as if fibro is laughing in my face.

Dissociation in my own words is feeling like nothing is real, things dont feel like they happened. What does feel real is the pain/feeling in my body, i am a very anxious and jumpy person so im very sensitive to loud sounds/touch/weather and certain (triggering) talk among students. And yet i still feel in a daze,My vision will sometimes blur and i am very prone to falling/accidents, staying focused can be extremely frustrating because my brain feels like a cloud, its almost uncontrollable like a dream. I dont think anyone can control those very much so i think its a good example.

Behavioural control – "problems with impulse control, aggression, pathological self-soothing, and sleep problems"

Im pretty okay with impulses, i of course have alot of very impulsive thoughts but i am good at controlling them id say, same with aggression but i very much so struggle with sleep problems because of nightmares from ptsd and chronic pain from fibro, i have not been diagnosed with insomnia but im sure i fit the criteria im just really bad at opening up with doctors/people ect.

These are just a couple more symptoms to help explain,

Cognition – "difficulty regulating attention, problems with a variety of "executive functions" such as planning, judgement, initiation, use of materials, and self-monitoring, difficulty processing new information, difficulty focusing and completing tasks, poor object constancy, problems with "cause-effect" thinking, and language developmental problems such as a gap between receptive and expressive communication abilities."

Self-concept – "fragmented and disconnected autobiographical narrative, disturbed body image, low self-esteem, excessive shame, and negative internal working models of self".

Alterations in relations with others, including isolation and withdrawal, persistent distrust, a repeated search for a rescuer, disruption in intimate relationships and repeated failures of self-protection.

Loss of, or changes in, one's system of meanings, which may include a loss of sustaining faith or a sense of hopelessness and despair.

Variations in consciousness, including forgetting traumatic events (i.e., psychogenic amnesia), reliving experiences (either in the form of intrusive PTSD symptoms or in ruminative preoccupation), or having episodes of dissociation.

Changes in self-perception, such as a chronic and pervasive sense of helplessness, paralysis of initiative, shame, guilt, self-blame, a sense of defilement or stigma, and a sense of being completely different from other human beings

Now that im done explaining the ptsd, Fibromyalgia

Fibromyalgia is a chronic pain disorder that my doctor believes to be linked to my other disorders, Fibromyalgia has to do with the senses we as humans all have, feeling, hearing, taste, and sight. The difference between someone with fibro and an average healthy person is lets say theres a knob for how strong each of these senses are, so imagine someone taking all those knobs and turning them all the way up to max sensitivity. Youd think oh cool youre like a super hero (like my sister likes to say) but no its the exact opposite, it does not benefit me whatsoever. Feeling, paired with ehlers danlos syndrome both my joints and my muscles are constantly in pain and some days ill have what you call a “flare up” which is where getting out of bed usually isnt an option for my body, i cannot remember the last time i didnt feel at least a dull ache in my head, i get migraines at least once everyday and unfortunately i get nauseous so i dont eat very much . Almost everything is irritating to my skin, a simple light rub of my finger on the top of my forearm is irritating and raw feeling (like ive been sitting there rubbing the same spot for hours) /Writing is over all painful, including typing as well/

If youve ever woken up in the morning with sore muscles from pushing yourself too hard the day before,that is how the muscles in my body feel, if you press on them they ache, and sting/burn when i use them. painful touch for most of my body paired with constant anxiety of getting bumped into/touched is stressful and tiring. On a good day my pain scale is a 5 from 1-10 but thats if im really lucky.

Then theres the weather, if im too hot and i start to sweat, the sweat stings my skin and i end up going into a frenzy of scratching and agony. If its too cold my joints will start to lock up and become painful, its like they freeze and when i move them it feels like im shattering ice in my hand mixed with dull muscle ache. If its a good temperature theres still the feeling and i swear, the sound i can hear of my joints grinding together like two pieces of rubber being rubbed against eachother slowly.

Hearing is also bad, loud sounds are very irritating to my ears and will cause my migraine to get worse.(Talking too loud)Other irritating sounds, paper rubbing against paper roughly making that blblblb sound, high pitched noises of any loudness, squeaks, repetitive beeps ect.

Sight wise turning on lights abruptly is painful and makes my migraine worse, any bright light in general.

Taste doesnt really matter so i wont mention, but because these knobs are turned full blast it means the nerves and pain receptors in my body are being over worked constantly by my brain

And my brain thinks its doing its job by constantly acting like ive been running triathalons.

The recollection of pain comes in avalanches of distress for me. I usually experience the intense turmoil of fibromyalgia in the winter, or whenever cold fronts shatter the air and its frail victims. My limbs cannot contain the strength possible to function during those cold spells. Fibromyalgia’s lengthy sentence comes and goes for some, but, as a teenager, it’s disheartening. For the rest of my life, I will never be able to remember living without every waking moment marked by pain.

The abnormality of fibro weighs on my shoulders when I’m asleep, awake, or anywhere inbetween. I wake up at 4:30 each morning in order to be shuffling around by 6:20 a.m. The heaviness of my body pulls me down and pains me as I take a shower, put on my clothes, and put my small backpack on my shoulder to head out to school. Any sense of touch creates extreme levels of pain for me. Touching my arm, poking my leg, and brushing against my back hurt as much as twisting my ankle. My distraught reaction is a lot like a dog crying in pain and distrust after you accidentally step on its paw. Because im always in pain im always right next to the emotional breaking point, im always on the verge of tears. The smallest things can make me break down.

The pain prohibits me from being a teenager. Thanks to fibro, I cannot dress up in my favorite clothes and be what you call “Extra” everyday as i so much wish to be during the winter. My hands are crooked and shake too much usually to apply makeup. I struggle with applying eyeliner, because my hands hurt too much wrapped around a brush. The uncomfortable school chairs make me weep when I return home, because they destroy my concentration, forcing me to focus on the overwhelming pain I feel. I used to excel in school, but now, I can barely think fast enough, and come off as ditzy. I feel like I’m constantly struggling to maintain the fragments of my intelligence I lost due to fibro medication and fibromyalgia itself.

My GPA, became my ball and chain in school, rather than an accomplishment worth sharing. During the year, my schedule is dictated by the weather. Cold weather causes agonizing, excruciating pain that races down my spine and branches through my limbs. If a cold front passes, rain falls, snow falls, or temperatures drop, I freeze like the Tin Man, except there isn’t any oil to move my joints. The way I get sleep should be considered a torture method. Many people feel refreshed or renewed when they wake up after 8 hours, but I feel completely restless and exhausted. And thats if the nightmares from the PTSD dont interrupt. I toss and turn for hours in pain, because the pain signals interrupt the sleep cycle. I cry intensely whenever I think of sleep; school usually means a lack of sleep, but I am further deprived without choice. My biological system cannot allow me to rest, and continues to tense my muscles in a constant state of flight or fight.

With most schools starting at 8 a.m., my body struggles to run on 8 hours of sleep (which really feels like two). The exhaustion prevents me from hanging out with some of my closest friends. In the early stages of having fibromyalgia, I used to be able to do school clubs, hang out with my best friend, and go to cons with my friends often. Now, I spend my time huddled down, trying to make up for the nights of lost sleep. The lack of sleep and the endless pain contribute to extreme depression. And to keep my mood relatively happy i act like a goose in school with friends which doesnt do me good with teachers, I do it to not break down and let myself get too low around others because i know id regret embarrassing myself like that more than anything. The pain yearns for my thoughts to leap toward suicidal thoughts, and I was obsessed with death for years and still am. There was a time when I searched for ways to end my life, because nobody could help me and I couldn’t face living the rest of my life knowing that I’ll always be in pain. I still have these thoughts, and I believe I always will as long as I emit pain. Hence why i was in the hospital for a week recently, the hopelessness and embarrassment is dragging me down. The whole idea of having fibromyalgia embarrasses me. I’m embarrassed that I am constantly being called crippled, disabled, or chronically ill.Or worse not being noticed at all while struggling. I’m embarrassed that fibromyalgia makes me feel like I’m 67 instead of 16. I’m embarrassed that I will never be able to be an artsy beat poet like Patti Smith, or a rock ‘n’ roll guitarist like Keith Richards.

So i think thats as much as i can cover for you right now with my two of my biggest problems , im extremely exhausted and im not joking when i say my fingers feel like they are gonna fall off haha.

Im terribly sorry for how long this email is but i think i got most everything with these two topics in there, also dont feel obliged to reply to this, im already embarrassed i even wrote all this down (terribly).

Quick thing i would like to say before i end the email, with all respect i am not looking for sympathy in any way. I am simply stating the way i am in hopes that if you understand itll make things less stressful for me and you. So dont feel like you have to do anything for me.

Thankyou for reading if you got this far, really. (btw forwarding this to Mrs. m******d is totally okay with me)

#i was up at 2 am writing this #its kinda gross #but it explains so much

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mommy2bprobz-blog · 7 years

Text

Today Was The Day

No one ever tells you what rock bottom is or how it feels, because everyones rock bottom is different. A feeling and situation you cant escape no matter what exit strategy you think of. Im laying in bed, wearing the same outfit i had on yesterday minus my pants and bra. Im so hungry and weak, i feel like i could pass out. This is probably because im 9 weeks pregnant and the only thing ive eaten today is a bowl of lumpy malt o meal. i stumbled into the kitchen half awake to make this about 4 hours ago when i felt so sick i thought i was going to throw up my baby. Ive cried 5 times already and its barely 1:30, with an hour long nap between when i woke up to now. My eyelashes are stuck together, and when i pull them apart i feel a salty residue on my fingers. I havent showered or brushed my teeth and im not sure ill even get to that point today. The most ive accomplished on this fine day is counting the number of sticky tac marks on the ceiling of my room from the previous owners of this apartment. I imagine they had a kid with those glow in the dark stars to look at before their precious child fell into sleep. My boyfriend has been nothing but patient and helpful since we found out im pregnant. Unfortunately ive managed to push him away so far because i cant stand the thought of someone seeing me failing miserably. Classic Lauren, disappearing when i dont have an answer for everything. I cant help but think that today, i realized im at my rock bottom.

Finding out im pregnant has been one of the hardest things by far, ive ever gone through. Im 21 in an 8 month relationship, so its not the worst of situations. But i definitely wasnt ready. I was one of those people that swore they werent going to have kids until later on in their life.When i took the test by myself in a Tom Thumb bathroom, i cried in the stall for about 5 minutes while a lady occupied the one next to me. That shit was positive after about 3 seconds, no wait time, i was definitely pregnant. When i told my boyfriend, i was sure we would just get an abortion and move on with our lives. But by the end of our car ride, both of us couldnt see that as an option anymore. I did not want my first pregnancy to be a casualty caused by me. The first thing i did though, was call my mom and ask if i should keep the baby or not. Wrong thing to do, because anyone you ask will say its not their decision. I know because i asked 3 people very close to me, and i didnt get one solid answer. It was completely up to me.This decision was so intense and life changing either way i wanted to go. If i kept the baby, everything drastically changed and i would have someone that would look to me for the rest of my life with no breaks or time to myself. But if i didnt keep the baby, i didnt know if i would ever forgive myself for killing my first child. Im already a pretty emotionally deep person, and the thought of having a death on my shoulders made my heart so heavy. Especially since my reasons werent very good reasons to not keep the baby. I want to travel, I want to smoke and drink with friends, i dont want the responsibility yet. At this point i had been living on my own for years, bought cars on my own, had a full time job, and lived enough lifetimes for about 7 people. It was a selfish decision in my eyes, to say no to a child… my child. And so I became a mom.

The downfall since finding out is a pretty steep ass fall. My relationship has caved in and i lost my full time job! Fuck yeah to being pregnant and jobless. I had told one of my managers i was pregnant but i didnt want anyone to know. Well somehow all the other managers found out and i honest to God believe that they fired me for being pregnant. I had been working there for 2 and a half years. Never late, never written up, passed secret shops with a 100, never called in, came in when they needed help, had pretty close relationships with select managers, and i always did my job right. I made one single mistake. I got my first complaint, which every single employee there im sure has had complaints before, but this was my FIRST. The woman who fired me, reminds me of my dads girlfriend, which is probably why ive always been so stand offish with her. She sounds like her, like theyve sucked in too much helium and their voices will always be 8 octaves higher than it should be. And both are young, small white girls from small towns in Texas that no one has probably ever heard of. Weve all met a girl like this. I asked for understanding obviously, and tried to keep my job. But she was firm on the decision she had made. So i thanked her for the opportunity to work there and left. I texted my other managers and said i was glad to have met them and again thanked them for the opportunity as well. When i left, i thought i would be extremely hurt and upset. But i felt relieved… I had been working 50-70 hours a week there for over 2 years. I was burnt out and had contemplated finding a new job, but didnt because i was pregnant and thinking about money. But this just sped up the process. The only thing was i was not really prepared to get fired… I found a job the next day, but training was 2 weeks and this month my boyfriend and i were supposed to start a special savings fund for the baby and instead i would be 3 weeks without cash relying on my checkings and savings for my bills for the month. He said he would pay my bills, and i could take some time off to rest and figure things out. Which was very sweet. The only problem was that he lost his job 2 days later. So we were both jobless and expecting. Which put a strain on our relationship.

I didnt hold it against him. I had just been fired too. But bills were screaming at me, stresses of the baby were screaming at me, 2 weeks with no income was screaming at me. And i started pushing. I wanted to be alone and cry and feel sorry for myself. I wanted to figure my life out without anyone seeing me as a failure. Especially my partner. So i did what my job had done to me. Waited for something small to happen to cut things off so i could be alone and deal with my sorry ass life by myself. It wasnt justified. And i cant believe im hurting him for my own selfish problems. But im stressed the fuck out and i have no clue what the hell im doing right now. Everything in my life has been so sure. Job, bills paid on time, plan for the future, who i am. And now, i cant even get out of bed to eat a meal. How did this happen so fast and so drastically? Every decision i make im thinking of the baby inside of me. And right now, i think im a shit mom who needs to get it together before i really damage my life and my baby’s life. What does family look like to me? What is parenting? Maternity insurance? Delivery? Announcing my pregnancy? Its all unknown to me. So here i am, writing a blog of how im gonna make this work and do this for my kid. Hopefully what i learn along the way can be helpful to any other woman who is going through my same struggle. But for right now, im just as clueless as the rest of you....

#first #time #mom #i #dont #know #what #the #hell #im #doing #clueless #boyfriend #blog #help #pregnant #21 #baby

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