#i am supposed to be getting ready for psats but i have no self control | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

the1nightowl · 4 years

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Diary post 1/25/20

So right now I’m high as fuck laying in bed listening to a Spotify radio based off landslide by Fleetwood Mac I’m pretty sure. The past few days have been shit to be honest, and I’m not entirely sure why. It’s true that I was sober for those few days but I don’t think that can explain the deep depression that I was put into. It was indescribable tbh I just honestly felt like I couldn’t do anything, like I was better off just sitting in my car turned off after achool feeling how hot it got cause it felt amazing even when I started to sweat. It honestly scared me a lot and I had to go home and break my promise to my friend not to smoke anymore. This was after about staying in my car depressed for about an hour before I was able to force myself to drive home, but even then I didn’t turn on the radio like I usually do and I was aware of these things but I just didn’t care and it was just... it honestly scared me a lot and I know this sounds like a cowardly type post like I’m not really sturggling type thing but idk. It was genuine emptiness or deep sadness I couldn’t tell the difference. I got high and even for about 40 minutes in I didn’t feel much but then it kicked in and I was at least able to relax and not let that deep feeling control me completely. Later though I went to my dads girlfriends house for dinner and as I was eating I brought up the pro life thing my religion teacher made us all watch and how funny it was how awkward a few of us were though I didn’t say it like that I said it like most of us were pro choice and were uncomfortable. Then my dad got mad and started trying to get preachy and I was like oh my god please don’t do this I do not care. Which sounds really shitty to say but that’s just... how it is I guess. But he shut up and his girlfriend kept trying to get him to talk again but I was like nah I don’t wanna hear it. Then he asked me how I would feel if i had been aborted and I was like it would probably have been for the better as I remembered a lot of places In my life where my presence in this world made someone’s life worse, how my mother sacrificed years of her life to me only for me to throw it away over a girl, how I’m nothing but a burden to my father, how many expectations everyone has on me to be the one to succeed because I’m the smartest. I don’t want to succeed to that degree I just want to live and be happy. But everyone expects me to go out and do great things but that’s not what I want I just want to go off and live somewhere and be happy doing something enjoyable that makes me think and be able to go home and play games or read something. I don’t want to live in luxury I don’t feel the need to be the best I know my intelligence I don’t feel the need to prove it to anyone, I pass every single one of my classes with a’s and b’s never bothering to open the books unless it’s in class or for homework, I never studied for a single test and I’ve never failed so long as I bothered to pay attention in class where once again I’ve never taken notes except for math where we genuinely need a copy of the equations. I get 1300’s on the psat’s never bothering to study before hand I don’t need to prove anything to anyone else and I don’t feel the need to go to a big name university I just want to get out of here. I take ap classes so that it can feel even slightly like I’m learning at a normal pace and I like it I feel like I’m an average student in a class even without studying or taking notes and stuff. I’m good at this I don’t need to try hard like everyone wants me to, I don’t want anything big in life. I just want a home that’s mine, a job I love, and maybe a dog and a girlfriend if I find anyone. And that’s not in a superior tone it’s just I get a lot of anxiety when it comes to actually doing things I want to do so I can’t ask a girl out out of fear. This is actually the first time I’m admitting this to myself out loud. I’m a coward and I don’t know why. I remember large parts of my childhood where I was completely empty like this too. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Probably trauma.

I’m not sure what that trauma would be granted but I actually don’t remember large portions of my childhood while I can remember others with some clarity. So maybe, probably, there’s something hurried in there I’m honestly scared of chasing down. Anyways I’m pretty sure we just mixed by the 55 minute mark, or at least my comparative, for the benefits of therapy, which I guess this is. I love psychology but idk about pursuing it as a career largely due to the over saturation of the market that I don’t really want to get into. But other than that I don’t know what I want to do. I’m largely lost to the world and I don’t know where I’m going to go. I’m a junior in highschool and I can’t help but feel like I should at least be thinking about desires or something to do with myself because I have to have a semi answer by the end of the year basically. But I guess I’m not gonna find the answer to all my problems just like that. I do feel like I’m wasting my life a bit but I don’t feel anything better to spend it on. Nothing really interests me and that’s a problem. I genuinely don’t feel interested by anything. There’s just things I have to do and things I want to do because they seem like fun which I guess is an interest but they don’t seem like genuine interests. I feel like I always have a responsibility driving me forward and making me do things but what will I do when large parts of that responsibility is gone. I guess life just feels meaningless mostly. I need something to drive towards but there either doesn’t seem to be any landmarks on the map or I can’t read it somehow. Granted there’s no landmarks when I jump out the car to look around but still. Nothing out there is for me it seems. And I’m not sure if it’s me saying that to myself. I’ve never spoken about the feeling I have of lack of goodwill towards myself. I genuinely don’t think I’m good at anything, I’m not a good person, and I don’t know anything about myself. A bit of a parodox yes but that’s where my mind is. I have no faith in myself I don’t think I’m that great at anything but when I do I feel the need to talk about it too much so my feeling of being an arrogant asshole just increases over my pride. And yet I’m always smiling or being kind or at least trying to. But I don’t know if that’s me or just me asking for attention. I just don’t care about anything I own or that’s mine I guess. I just don’t really care about anything actually I guess. I don’t know my motivations I just am. I don’t feel any motivation I feel obligation. And I fear that if I post this I’ll get a sort of relief from it and want to post it again and again in different ways saying it from every point of view and annoy anyone who looks or just be ignored. See that is a fear that has been with me since the beginning. There are many things I have to get over in my life I think. I just don’t really know where to begin. Or maybe I do and I’m just telling myself I don’t for some stupid self hatred bullshit. Honestly I have no idea. Life is meaningless I suppose. And I don’t remember when I started believing that. It’s been a part of me now, or at least connected tightly long enough to make me scared to leave it behind. I don’t know who I am and I’m not sure if I’ve ever known who I am. I specifically remember saying this when I was like 7 or 8. Or being dramatic and standing out in the rain because it actually genuinely felt good. I don’t know and I’m scared of continuing this thought. I’m scared of pushing beyond this. But that’s just the cowardly part of me talking. Why am I scared. What’s the worst that can happen iF life is meaningless. If I truly believe that why do I fear my actions? There’s no reason for it. I don’t need to be scared. I need to stop looking back. It’s holding me back from being better than I am. I can believe happiness is out there. It’s something worth believing it’s not a stupid Idea. I am good enough to feel good. I do deserve happiness. This isn’t my mind playing tricks on me it’s my depression playing tricks on me.

At the same time thought it doesn’t get all the credit. There are definitely things about myself I can fix. And I’m capable of fixing them. I deserve to be a better person, I’m worthy of love if I can stop hating myself. No one can fix me but me and that means I can fix me. It’s a backward thought but backward thoughts can hold truths never seen from the front. Things aren’t as bad as they seem, when i tell depressing jokes they aren’t jokes so why do I laugh. I need to stop normalizing these thoughts, both to myself and to others. It’s not a normal thing to be depressed it’s a sad thing. I need to get out of this hole I trapped myself in. I dug it and stepped in, so I can’t expect anyone to come along and dig me out but myself. It will be hard to dig out of a 20 foot hole but it will be easier that it was to dig myself into it. Maybe it will be easy maybe it won’t. I don’t need it to be easy I need to get up and work on it. That’s what the problem has been, I don’t get up and try I just feel like it’s not worth trying so I don’t do it. How do I break out of this thinking. No I need to stop asking and start coming up with anaswers. I need to break out of this so I will. I need to stop wasting my time watching YouTube and Netflix, but what else will I spend my time on? I don’t need to study we’ve been over that, I have homework but I don’t want to do that in this state or right now. That is a type of thought that will hold me back if I let it. What should I do though. I have no gas but I could spend all my money on that but then what would I do. I could go hang out with friends but I would feel annoying. But should I? There’s so much I could do right now but I can’t do it right now. Could I just get up right now and go? I could get up and get ready but I don’t really want too. But that’s what I have to do to get better. And I don’t want to do it right now, but this is the most normal and excited I’ve felt in a while. What would we do? No money, not much gas. It’s not warm enough to go to a lake or something obviously haha. I’m not sure if this feeling is due to the high or if I genuinely broke myself out of it but I don’t know it feels like a weight has been mostly lifted off me, but it should be completely gone if I don’t let it in. It needs to stay away so I will force it away. This bad thought isn’t controlling me I give it the power. Making a mistake doesn’t mean I’m useless. This isn’t me trying to preach about something this is genuinely what I’m thinking at the moment. I need to stop looking to see if others are enjoying themselves in order to enjoy something. I can feel things myself, I need to start celebrating my victories again. I need to take pride in my work, and be happy for myself not seek happiness in other people’s happiness. That isn’t a great things that makes a person a saint, any person who’s a saint would have to feel some sort of meaning outside of happiness to make someone else happy. There has to be happiness for happinesses sake before I focus on happiness for others sakes. I always put others before myself seeking happiness from service but I need to find happiness in other ways, service will only get you so far. I need a purpose and my purpose will be to find happiness for myself. Take joy in what I do. Enjoy the things I watch instead of looking for a distraction. I need to care about things not just notice them. I’m allowed to care about things and it’s fucking reccomended I care about things, it doesn’t make me any better to not enjoy things. I’m allowed to enjoy what I like and no one can take them away from me. So you know what fuck everything else I said in this post. Fuck all of it I don’t need to find the why for why I feel this I have to stop letting it take over me. It’s not who I am it’s a disease, something which is holding me back. I need to get back to work. J need to go to track again I need to stop letting myself get dragged back by caution and fear. I don’t care but I do.

I need to stop allowing it to take over who I am. I’m more than the sadness I feel I’m the joy I should be seeking. The things I enjoy aren’t stupid they’re what I enjoy. Enjoying the music in my headphones is important. I tell everyone else what they say is important but how can j believe that if I don’t think what I care about is important. I can care for things others don’t care about it genuinely doesn’t matter. Why do I think it matters??? It’s highschool not life. I don’t like dances so I won’t go to them. I’ll enjoy my video games, i love my music and I’ll enjoy them whether others think I should or not. I don’t need to be productive all the time but the things I do between shouldn’t just be distractions they should be things I enjoy. So yes I’m writing what has basically become an essay but you know what? I’m better that what is at the beginning of it all, but it is a part of me which will go away as I focus on improving my enjoyment kf life. If I enjoy my life again I will find direction. That is the secret. It’s not about distractions it’s about doing things I enjoy. Fuck everything else happiness is work and you have to work at it not give up in the face of difficulty. I’m better than feeling bad about everything I do fuck that I’m worth it I’m happy doing what I want to do. It’s not bad to do that and I’m allowed to say it. Fuck I love playing video games they can be difficult but they make you think and provide a sense of victory and accomplishment which can’t be found anywhere else. Or it can be found anywhere else, I can feel that accomplishment at track. Feeling myself improve is a good thing, worth the pain that comes along with it. The pain isn’t a completely bad thing it’s what proves you’re getting better which isn’t just an excuse people say it’s how it should feel. Pain isn’t to be avoided at all costs. Pain is a good thing sometimes. I am worth something people can be missing out on something if they don’t talk to me fuck that I’m worth something. This has been my diary post for today. Or at least right now but you know what it’s okay either way. I’m gonna go ahead and enjoy something right now. I’m gonna to open all the blinds in the house and let the light shine in.. I’ll make some warm drinks and put on warm clothes and enjoy the light instead of embracing the darkness that I ran towards. Fuck staying in the darkness of my mind anymore I can open the blinds and enjoy the natural light. So I’m gonna go do that. Thank you for making it this far, I’ll post an update or sometjing eventually. But I need to go and put my money where my mouth is. This took me about an hour to write btw. And that’s something to be proud of. So I am.

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