#i dissociated really bad and took a long time to count peoples money and was speaking in a slurred manner | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

darkmulti · 4 years

Text

Love Lies

BTS

Pairing: Yandere! Jungkook, Sugar Daddy! Jungkook, Split! Jungkook x female reader

Genre: Angst & Smut

Word Count: 5.5K

CONTAINS DARK THEMES! READ AT YOUR OWN RISK!

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

A/N: I’m so fucking done with tumblr. This is really shitty like the rest of my works. Read the warnings carefully.

𝐃𝐢𝐬𝐬𝐨𝐜𝐢𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐯𝐞 𝐈𝐝𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐢𝐭𝐲 𝐃𝐢𝐬𝐨𝐫𝐝𝐞𝐫 (𝐃𝐈𝐃) 𝐢𝐬 𝐰𝐡𝐞𝐧 𝐚 𝐩𝐞𝐫𝐬𝐨𝐧 𝐡𝐚𝐬 𝐦𝐨𝐫𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐧 𝐨𝐧𝐞 𝐢𝐝𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐢𝐭𝐲/𝐩𝐞𝐫𝐬𝐨𝐧𝐚𝐥𝐢𝐭𝐲 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐭𝐚𝐤𝐞 𝐨𝐯𝐞𝐫 𝐚𝐭 𝐝𝐢𝐟𝐟𝐞𝐫𝐞𝐧𝐭 𝐭𝐢𝐦𝐞𝐬.

Contains ‘hardcore’ kinks

Smut Warning: multiple smuts, anal, choking, dacryphilia kink, heavy degradation, bdsm -> ddlg, face slapping, spanking, fucking in front of a mirror, spanking, fingering, hair pulling, blowjob, cum eating, overstimulation, dirty talk, finger sucking, bondage (I’m probably missing something)

Other Warnings: possessive Jungkook/ JK, mentions of past abuse, Stockholm Syndrome, blood, murder, Jungkook kills people, cheating

Featuring Baekhyun (EXO) and Taehyung (BTS)

THIS CONTAINS NON CONSENSUAL SEX!

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

“No! Stop! Let me go! I want to go home! I hate you!” You cried, provoking Jungkook even more. He spanked your bare butt cheek again. “Is that how you talk to your owner? Mmh? Answer me, you slut!” Another spank was placed on your bottom. You whimper under him, not knowing what to do.

“Please… I want the old you back.”

—————

2 weeks ago

You peered out of the tiny, plane window as the sun was shining right in your eyes. Finally, you’ve arrived in the city of love, Paris, France. You’ve always dreamt about coming here, but you couldn’t afford it. It was unfortunate at the time however, life is full of surprises. You sat down next to your sugar daddy - Jungkook - and leaned in for a kiss. You’ve been with him for a year now and it has been the best year of your life.

He bought you high-end accessories, clothes and cars. He owned huge mansions, a private jet and a helicopter. Being a billionaire was amazing for the most part. Though there was one thing Jungkook found himself struggling with and that was his love life. Coming back home to an empty bed after a long day of work made him feel like shit. That’s why he hired you.

You started working for Jungkook as a personal assistant. Everything about you lit up Jungkook’s eyes. But in secret, of course. You were smart, pretty, professional, your eyes and smile made Jungkook’s heart skip a beat. Yet, he still kept a cold attitude towards you.

You didn’t mind his cold attitude. It kept you on track and productive throughout the day. To you, Jungkook was a boss. Nothing more or less. That’s why you politely denied going out with him.

“I’m sorry, Mr. Jeon. I’d like to keep things professional between us.” You said calmly but inside you were freaking out.

Jungkook poked the inside of his cheek with his tongue. So you’re playing hard to get with him? Too bad, Jungkook always gets what he wants. “If you don’t go out with me tonight, I’ll fire you.” You look at him in confusion. “W-what?! Why? You can’t do-”

“I can and I will. Be ready by 7. I’ll pick you up.” He walks back to his office like nothing happened while you stood there with your mouth wide open from shock. The following night, you got ready for your date. You can’t lose your job. How will you survive? Your money situation was already pretty tight, so you really couldn’t lose this job. Jungkook texted you right at 7 pm and told you he was outside of your apartment.

That’s where the wonderful journey with him began. You both were close to finishing your meal when he brought the contract up.

“I know you're struggling with money right now, but I promise I can make it all go away.” He whipped out his papers and handed it to you. “It’s a contract. I want you to spend time with me. Ask me about my day, cuddle with me, satisfy my sexual needs and I'll give you whatever you want besides money.” Your eyes widen. Is he serious? You flipped through the pages that were full of detailed paragraphs. “You want to have sex with me?” Jungkook nodded his head and avoided eye contact. “If you agree you can move in with me and stop stressing about money. I’ll take care of you.”

“No. You’ll take my independence and freedom away.”

“You say no to this contract, you’re fired.”

“You can’t-” you argue back.

“As I said before, I can and I will.” His voice got deeper, completely shutting you up.

“Can I at least have some time to read over this?” You look back down at the paper and flip to the last page. “Wait wait wait. What’s ‘DID’?”

“Read it.”

‘Dissociative identity disorder’ You read quietly to yourself. “Wait, you have another personality?” You ask, looking up at him.

“Why do you think I'm so cold towards everyone? It’s not me, it’s him.” He said, casually sipping his wine. “JK is the one dealing with… issues.” His voice went quiet. “Issues?” You were quietly utter. “I can’t tell you yet.” You nodded and flipped through the papers again.

“How long is this contract for?”

“Two years.”

“Can we test this out for one week?”

Jungkook hesitated. He didn’t want to get used to you just for you to leave him in the end. “No. Simple yes or no, princess.” Jungkook had you wrapped around his finger. You rub your temple and reach for the pen. “Fine. But don’t make me break the contract.” You hand him back the signed paper. “Let's go to my house. You’re moving in with me.” He paid for the expensive meal then brought you back to his enormous mansion.

That night he made love to you. It was one spectacular night. You smiled to yourself as you thought about all the memories you’ve made with him.

“Princess, what’re you smiling at?” He looked over at your lap, making sure you weren’t texting someone. Jungkook was extremely possessive and had trust issues. You were assuming it was because of his other side so you never questioned him. Speaking of his other side - JK - you met him not too long ago. After entering Jungkook’s life, JK hasn’t shown himself too much. He only comes out to punish you. You shivered as you thought of your last punishment. How could a human being be so cruel?

You snap out of your thoughts as the jet touches the ground. “We’re here. Let's go.” Jungkook got up and held his hand out to you. You grab it and he leads you out of the jet and to the black SUV parked a couple of feet away. While the driver drove to Jungkook’s penthouse, you started bugging Jungkook.

“How much did your penthouse cost?”

“I don’t know. Around 8-10 million. It has an indoor swimming pool and a movie room.” Your innocent eyes widened when you heard the price. “Daddy, that’s a lot of money.” You whisper in his ear. He grabbed your bare thigh with his tattooed hand and looked at you. “it’s like twenty dollars for me, baby girl.”

As soon as you guys entered the penthouse, his tongue was already down your throat. He impatiently took your clothes off and started fingering you, while you unbuttoned his shirt to feel his rock hard abs. Jungkook picked your naked figure up and carried you to the master bedroom. He placed you down on the bed and took his pants off. He stroked himself a couple of times before entering your already wet hole.

You hold onto his muscular arms for dear life and watch him go into you. “Please daddy, you’re so fucking big. Feels so good.” You moan, immediately clenching around his member. “Open your mouth.” As soon as you do, he spits into it then slaps you. “Little girls don’t swear.” You swallow his saliva and apologize for swearing. “S-sorry daddy. It won't happen again.” You wrap your legs around his waist as he pulls you closer to him. His whole cock was throbbing inside you, turning you on even more.

He wraps his fingers around your neck and starts thrusting in, each time going harder and faster. The room filled with moans, grunts and skin slapping. “You like this don’t you, you little slut? So desperate and needy for daddy’s cock. Swallowing my saliva like a dirty little girl.” He raised your leg and spanked your butt. All you could do was moan for him. Your brain couldn’t even form a sentence. “C-close” you whimper, hoping he would let you cum.

Jungkook placed his thumb on your nub and rubbed it in a circular motion while pounding your pussy. “If you cum without my permission, daddy’s gonna have to punish you. You remember your last punishment right?” Your heart stopped. You never want to interact with JK ever again. You could cry just by thinking about the last punishment. “Y-yes daddy! I remember it but please don’t punish me. I won’t cum without your permission.”

He started thrusting faster while rubbing your clit harder. Your body started shaking because of the sudden pressure. “No! Slow, please! I won’t be able to hold it in!” You cried, putting your feet on his chest and trying your best to push him away. Jungkook slapped you again and flipped you onto your stomach. He roughly entered in again, making you scream. He spanked your ass and pulled your hair while thrusting harder and harder. “No, please! I-I can’t!” You sob, kicking your feet back.

You squeeze around him one more time before cumming on his cock. You release your clenched muscles and relax your body. “Did I say that you can fucking cum?” You shook your head ‘no’ and cried under him. “I’m sorry, daddy. I really couldn’t hold it. I tried my best.” He smacked your butt again and kept thrusting. This wasn’t Jungkook anymore.

It was a long and painful night. It became extremely painful to cum. Your wrists were tied above your head. Your legs were wide open while he viciously hammered himself into you. Your body was covered in hickeys and bruises. You squirt around him once again and knock out before he could finish.

Jungkook continued roughly fucking you despite you not being conscious. He gripped onto your waist and pulled your body back while he thrust forward. After a couple of hard thrusts,’ he came in you. Cum overflowed in your hole. Your thighs were completely soaked. He picked you and laid you down on the bed before reaching over for a towel to wipe the cum off.

The next morning you woke up naked on his chest. “Good morning.” He said in a raspy tone. “Good morning” You whisper back. “What do you want for breakfast?” He asked while running his fingers through your hair. “Pancakes please.”

Jungkook helped you shower since you couldn’t feel the lower half of your body. When you got into the shower, he placed you down on your knees and slapped your face with his cock. “Open your mouth, princess.” The second it opened, his cock was shoved down your throat. You choke around him while holding onto his muscular thighs. “Suck, babygirl. Suck it like a good slut.” He pushed your hair out of your face and harshly fucked your mouth since your pace wasn’t satisfying him. He slapped your face as you struggled to breathe around him. “Look at me, you little whore!” You look up at him with eyes full of tears. Soon you felt ropes of thick cum going down your throat. You swallow it all down and moan around his cock.

The next week was full of rough sex. During the day Jungkook had to “deal with business” so you stayed home, scared and helpless. Every night he would come home and drag you out of bed just to have sex with you. Your body and mind couldn’t keep up. Every time he touched you, you mentally screamed and cried. Some nights he would come home covered in blood. Of course, it was terrifying. You’ve never seen this side of him. And you’re not sure what triggered it either.

You were in your shared bedroom when you heard the door unlock. He was home earlier than usual. He walked into the bedroom with a dress in hand. “Get up and get ready. We have to attend a party. Here’s your dress.” He left the room and you left to take another shower. After putting on some light makeup, you slip into the gown.

Jungkook walked in wearing all black. He comes over to you and places his chin on your shoulder and wraps his arms around your waist. “Babygirl, when we arrive at this party you stay close to me.” He whispers in your ear. His icy fingers trace your nude back before zipping your dress up. “You look stunning, princess.” He turned you around and kissed you softly.

The party was held at a huge mansion outside the city. Jungkook held onto your hand and dragged you with him. It seemed like he was looking for someone. As you two walk hand in hand, you notice some of the men eyeing you down. One guy specifically caught your attention. You both were staring at each other. Jungkook was talking to someone and didn’t notice you looking at another man. You immediately stop and look down.

“Who’s your date, Mr. Jeon.” The stranger said, looking at me.

“She’s my wife. Mrs. Jeon.”

You’re his what? You gave him a strange look but as soon as you did he squeezed your hand, signalling you to play along.

“Well, I don't see a ring on her finger.” The man whom you were staring at moments ago was now standing in front of you. “O-oh I forgot it at home on the dresser.”

A sly smirk places on the man's face. He puts his hand out and introduces himself. “Byun Baekhyun, CEO of Byun Enterprise” you grab his hand but before you could shake it he kneeled and placed a soft kiss on your fingers.

Jungkook was squeezing your hand even harder. You quietly whimper and tug on his fingers with your other hand. He loosened his grip but his face showed clear frustration. Baekhyun walked away before Jungkook could punch him in the face. He excused you and himself from the stranger and dragged you into a room.

The man slammed the door shut and grabbed you by the neck. He pushed you against the mirror and started yelling at you. “Why the fuck were you looking at him like that?! Huh? Do you wanna go and be his slut?!”

“I’m not a slut! You cried out, trying to push him off of you. “Turn around.”

“No! I’m tired of being your sla-”

“FUCKING TURN AROUND.” You immediately turn around and keep your head down so you don’t have to look at him. The male pulled down your spandex along with your panties. “You know how I feel about other males being close to you..” he covered your mouth and thrust in. “Yet you still disobey me. And now you’re talking back to your daddy.”

He started to increase his pace as you sobbed into his hand. Your insides were bruised. Your walls were tired of clenching around him every night. Every time he touched you, your body weakened. He was able to do whatever he liked because you were too scared to leave him. “Why the fuck was he looking at you like that? Do you know him?” He pulled on your hair, forcing you to watch him fuck your guts outs.

“N-no, daddy. I-I’ve never met him before. I swear- ahh!” He pushed his whole cock in and the tip hit your g-spot. Jungkook’s hand intertwined with yours as he kissed your jawline. “You wouldn’t lie to me, right?”

“No daddy, never.” You said, finally being able to breathe.

He pulled out and tucked himself away then pulled your spandex up. “If I catch you making eye contact with another male, I will hurt you. Understand?”

“Yes, daddy. I understand.”

“Good girl.” He kissed you once again and pulled you back to the party. You guys both sat down at a table and waited for the event to start. People kept coming to your table to talk to Jungkook. A man asked if he could speak to him outside so Jungkook told you to keep your head down, don’t talk to anyone or don’t leave the table.

About five minutes later, Baekhyun sits next to you. “Are you having fun?” He asked, playful dancing. “Not really. This party’s pretty boring.” He nodded his head in agreement and stopped dancing. “Where’s your husband?”

“He’s outside talking to someone.” You look back to see if Jungkook's around. If he saw Baekhyun sitting next to you, he would lose his shit. Luckily he wasn’t. “Wait… are you guys really married?” Baekhyun asked, in confusion. “No, we’re not. I’m not sure why he said that.”

“So he lied?”

“Yeah.”

Baekhyun moved closer to you, making you a little uncomfortable. He was quick to notice and apologize.

“I’m sorry, I didn't mean to make you feel uncomfortable. But I know what Jungkook’s been doing to you. If you want, I can help you escape him.”

“H-how do you know?”

“It’s kinda obvious, I guess. Especially since… you know… JK. He’s not the most gentle guy around and I’m sorry that you had to face him. Just trust me. I know I’m a stranger and all but you won’t be able to leave him without my help.”

“How do I leave him?”

“Now. While he’s talking to someone, ask if you can go to the washroom. I’ll meet you there and we can leave together. I’ll protect you. If you think Jungkook has a lot of guards, wait till you see my pack.” Of course, you hesitated. If Jungkook found out about this not only will you suffer for the rest of your life, but anyone around him would die.

“He’ll find me. I can’t do it.” You quietly say.

“Fine. I won’t force you. I’m just trying to help.” Baekhyun said while getting up. He left you alone at the table while you deeply thought about your decision. “Princess, what’s wrong.” It was Jungkook. He took a seat next to you and put his arm around you. “Nothing, just bored.”

“Thank you for being a good girl while I was gone. Do you want something to drink?”

“No thanks. Actually, can I go to the washroom?”

“Is it an emergency?”

You nodded your head.

“Go. Be quick. If you’re not back in five minutes, I won’t hesitate to fuck you in the stall.”

You quickly get up and head to the washroom. Baekhyun wasn’t there making you lose all hope. After all, you said no. You were about to walk into the bathroom until Baekhyun’s voice surprised you. “Changed your mind?”

“Yeah…”

“K, let's go.”

He grabbed your hand and pulled you to the back door. Two guards were waiting in front of a black car and they quickly opened the door when they saw you two. You all get in and they start to drive away. You did it! He’s out of your life now.

You look over at Baekhyun and thank him. “Thank you so much for helping me escape him… but I gotta ask, why did you help me?”

“I felt bad. A guy like him doesn’t deserve a woman like you.” You chuckle. “Are you done flirting?”

“Not yet.” He smiled at you then started talking again. “So what’s the real deal between you and him?”

“Contract. Made me sign it a year ago. He was nice until we landed in Paris. Then he became someone else.”

“I guess Jungkook hasn’t opened up to you. He used to live in Paris when he was younger. He suffered a lot because of his parents. They abused him. They forced him to participate in killing people at such a young age. That’s why JK has been out. His parents are still around but he lost contact with them after becoming an adult. He’s out for revenge.”

“He’s been killing people?” Baekhyun nodded. “I mean, he came home with blood on him the other day. But I didn’t question him.”

“It’s good that you didn’t. The slightest things set him off.” You hum in response and look out the window. “So, where are we going?”

“Back to my house. You’ll be safe there. We have plenty of guest rooms and I can lend you some of my clothes. But we’ll have to leave Paris as soon as possible because Jungkook is probably looking for us.”

Jungkook’s POV

———————-

Y/N left for the washroom while my eyes searched for Baekhyun. I had to make sure that she wasn’t with him. I released my breath as I saw him talking to another guy.

“Jungkook? Is that you?” I turn around to see my old friend, Kim Taehyung.

He hugged me and showed me his bright smile. “Taehyung! Nice to see you.”

“Nice to see you too! How’s JK doing?”

“He’s calmed down, I suppose. What about V?”

“He’s hanging in there.”

This is why Taehyung and I get along so well. We both have another personality that fears absolutely nothing. He teaches me how to control my other side. I teach him my torture methods. It’s a win-win. He and Y/N are the two positives in my life.

We continued our conversation until a guard ran over to us, informing me that Y/N was gone.

“What the fuck do you mean she’s gone?”

“She’s not in the bathroom. We checked the cameras and she left with another man. They used the back door so we didn’t see her.”

I took my gun out and aimed it at the guards head. “You have one fucking job and it’s to protect my girl.” Taehyung snatched the gun out of my hand and questioned the guards. “Who did she leave with?”

“Byun Baekhyun.”

“I’m going to kill that motherfucker.”

“We can, but we have to get out of here first. Do you have Y/N’s location?” Taehyung asked me.

“No, I don't. She doesn’t have a phone because she’s always with me.”

“Calm down, Kook. We can track down Baekhyun.”

Your POV

—————

You stepped out of the shower with a white towel wrapped around your body. You were finally able to clean yourself properly since Jungkook’s been the one bathing you. And by bathing, you mean having more sex in the shower.

“Baekhyun, I need clothes.” A couple of seconds later someone knocked on the door. “Here’s my shirt and sweatpants.” You quickly open the door and take it from him. “Thank you.” You could deal with no underwear for one night. It wasn’t a big deal. At least you were away from Jungkook.

You put the clothes on then leave his bathroom. “Thank you again for everything.”

“Stop thanking me. It’s lame.” He laid down on his bed and patted the space next to him. “Let’s watch a movie. Maybe it’ll distract you.” You climb onto his bed and lay down next to him.

“You hungry, peanut?” You giggle at the nickname. “No, I’m not hungry.” You felt safe with him. It was an unexplainable feeling. Baekhyun slightly turned to you and wrapped his arms around your waist and pulled you close. You wrap your arms around his neck and continue watching the movie. When you looked at Baekhyun he was staring at you. “What’s wrong? Is there something on my face?”

“There is.” He gave you a quick peck then went back to watching the movie. “Heyyyy, what was that for?”

“No reason. You’re just so pretty.”

The cute moment ended when one of the guards slammed the door open and yelled that they were under attack. He was immediately shot in the head after he said so. You both get off the bed and Baekhyun takes his gun out. “Go hide in the closet. I’ll come and get you after I’m done, okay.” He kissed you one more time before leaving the bedroom.

You run into his closet and hide under his clothes. You were hiding for about ten minutes when you heard the closet door open. “Princess? Where are you? Daddy came to save you.” His voice sent chills down your spine. You held your breath and didn’t move a muscle. “Come out or I’ll kill your precious Baekhyun.”

“Did you find her Jungkook?” Another man with a much deeper voice spoke. “No, I haven’t.” You released your breath as quietly as you can. “I’ll go question Baekhyun then.”

“No, no. That won’t be necessary.”

Jungkook started to dig around the pile of clothes you were hiding in and pulled you out. “Noooo! Stop, please! Let me go!” You scream and try to crawl away but Jungkook pinned you down and the other man put a cloth over your mouth and nose.

Jungkook’s POV

———————-

I carried her to the car and laid her down on the backseat. I go back into the mansion only to hear that Baekhyun had escaped. “Sir, we had him here but his guards must have set him free.” I close my eyes in annoyance. “You’ve failed two times in one day. Find him or I’ll cut your body up and feed it to my dogs.”

“Y-yes, sir.”

I walk towards Taehyung and he pats my back. “We’ll catch him next time.”

“If we don’t, I’ll kill every person in sight.”

“Relax, JK. At least you got your girlfriend back.”

“You mean my slut? I have to teach her a lesson.”

“Mind if I join?”

“Next time, V. I need her to myself tonight.”

Your POV

—————

“Get the fuck up. We’re here.”

You open your eyes and see that you’ve arrived at the penthouse. “J-Jungkook, p-please let me explain.” He yanked you out of the car making you fall onto your knees. “Owww.’’ You sob, bringing your hands on your knees to massage it.

He didn’t care about anything at this point. You did this to yourself. If you behaved, maybe you would’ve been at the Eiffel Tower, enjoying the view with him. But no. You left him for another man and now you have to pay for it.

Jungkook carried you up to the penthouse and pushed you in before slamming the door shut. He grabbed your throat and slammed you against the wall. You were forced to look into his dark orbs. “Did you enjoy his dick, you little slut?”

“P-please no! Daddy n-no! Y-you got it all wr-wrong, I-” You were crying so hard, you weren’t able to finish your sentence.“Let me show you what I can do to you for the rest of your life” he removed his belt and pushed you on the floor. He pulled your pants down just to see no underwear. “You little whore! Where’s your underwear?” He spanked your ass with his belt over and over and didn’t stop until he saw small cuts on your cheeks.

“Jungkook! please I didn’t” before you could finish your sentence a hard slap landed on your cheek. “Wrong fucking name, princess.” Tears rushed down your hot cheeks. You didn’t want this. You wouldn’t be able to handle the pain. You get back to your senses and run for the door. “Not so fast, baby girl. We haven’t even gotten started.”

JK dragged you to the bedroom, shoved you down onto the bed and started tying your wrist to the bed frame. “You know, I was planning on being gentle with you tonight… but fuck that.”

He placed his fingers into your mouth and made you suck on them while he ripped your shirt off. JK placed you on your stomach then pushed his tip into the wrong hole, making you scream at the top of your lungs. “Noooo! Please! No!” You squirm underneath him, begging him to stop. He pushed his whole cock in so you screamed and cried into a pillow. He groaned in satisfaction. Your ass was much tighter than your pussy. Not caring about your pleasure, he brutally pounded you. Your whole body started to shut down as you felt hopeless. All you could do was cry.

The man pulled on your hair and licked your tears away. “If you wanted a punishment, you could’ve just asked, princess.”

His nails dug into your skin, putting you in even more pain. His thrust was unbearable. He would pull out until only his tip was buried in you, then slam his whole cock in, knocking the breath out of you. Your hole was aching around him. “P-please, j-just slow- oww!” You cried, giving up on your sentence.

He used your ass for hours. His cum was filled to the brim of your hole. He pulled out, laid down behind you and wrapped his arms around your waist. The male took out a gun and shot at the wall. You sob and move back into his embrace, shaking even harder. “See what you did there? You came back to me. You came back into my embrace, wanting me to protect you. Let me tell you something. It will always be like this. You will always come back to me. Into my arms. You belong to me.” He laid his head on yours and slowed down. “Am I right?” He whispers in your ear. “Y-yes daddy. I want chu to protect me. Pwease don’t hurt me. Pwease.”

He rubbed his cheek against yours then went back to thrusting. “We’re gonna get married, right babygirl?” You hide your face and cry your heart out. How could you marry him? “Answer me!” He yelled into your ear. “Y-yes daddy, w-we’ll get married. We’ll get m-married and I’ll be all y-yours forever.” Jungkook held you down and kept thrusting. You quiet down after some hours and let him use you. You kept cumming on him over and over. There was a pool of cum on the bedsheets.

You couldn’t possibly do anything to save yourself so the best thing to do was to obey. He kept you under him the whole time and didn’t give you a break. You insides were being wrecked by his cock. He had a tight hold on you, so you couldn’t escape him.

“Are you sleeping on me, princess?”

“N-no, daddy. I don’t have the energy to talk.”

He flipped you onto your back and started aggressively slamming his cock into you again and again. He held onto your neck and spat into your mouth. “Tell me exactly what happened at Baekhyun’s house.”

“H-he let me shower and gave me his clothes to wear. Then we started to watch a movie and that's it.”

“Did you fuck him?”

“No daddy. M-my body belongs to you.”

“Damn right it does. Get on all fours.” You slowly flip yourself onto your stomach and try your best to keep yourself up. He plunged himself into your ass once again and started thrusting at an inhuman speed. You held onto the bedsheets but the pain was still there. You collapse on the bed, not being able to hold yourself up anymore. But this didn’t stop Jungkook. He only went faster, showing you who’s in control. His hips smacked against your ass repeatedly.

You started losing all your senses. You shake around him as you push through your orgasm. You sharply inhale and clench your sore muscles as hard as you can. Waves of pleasure and pain push through your body and as soon as it reaches the bottom, you release. Your muscles relax as your cum drips down your slit. You try to catch your breath but the man behind you pulls out of your ass and slams into your wet pussy.

“Come on princess. Do that one more time for me.”

“Noooo!” You screamed out. You couldn’t do that again. “Daddy.. can’t! Daddyyyy!” He went harder and faster, indicating that he’s close. You clench around him one more time, sending him over the edge. His hot cum rushed deep inside you. “Fuck, princess. Just like that!” He hissed. He pulled you onto his lap and pushed you to have another orgasm. All you could see is white. All you could hear is his skin slapping against yours.

Tingles travel throughout your body as you clench all your muscles again. Jungkook held you tightly and gave you a final thrust that sent you over the moon. “Daddy!” You sob, holding onto him like your life depended on it. Your cum coated his cock one more time. “I-is it over? Are y-you done?” You sniffle and keep your eyes closed. Jungkook lays down with you in his arms. “It’s over.” He kissed your forehead and rubbed your back to soothe you.

You cry into his neck even harder. “Please… I want the old you back.”

“You want Jungkook?” He asked, suddenly looking a little hurt. “Y-yeah.”

“I’m sorry, I took him away from you. I just wanted to feel what he was feeling.”

“What was he feeling?”

“Loved… if you want, I can give you him.”

“Wait no.” You said, suddenly feeling bad. “I-I can love you too.” You rub your nose against his and feel all warm inside. You kissed him softly on the lips while your fingers moved his damped hair out of his face. You lay back down on his chest with your fingers still tangled in his hair. “Please love me back.” You mumble.

“I already do.”

#jk smut #non con #bts smut #jungkook smut #jeon jungkook smut #yandere bts #bts yandere #bts reaction

1K notes · View notes

dreaminpeaches · 3 years

Text

“Ladies, Gentlemen, Enbies...HER--I mean Him? Or them?-- whatever, anyways here's the first part of my daydream paracosm, Humble Pie. I was really happy I was able to come up with the first part in a somewhat cohort manner. Part 2 is also going to follow this sometime soon, but after that its probably just gonna be short shorts, text exchanges, and or drabbles, but that first part’s finally a thing! And that’s cool”

“Also just reminder that this paracosm is set in a mix timeline, like people have flip phones, cassette tapes, but still also have stuff like gamer chairs, and slang like sus/lit exist, so I hope that doesn’t bother you..oof”

“Also I wrote this from my Remarkable, then convert it to text, and did some proof reading, but my handwriting is still can only be read by chickens and my dyslexia ninja has sneak 100 accuracy so..yeah

Word count: 6,115

TW: mention of Bullying, DeadBeat dad, Smoking, Drinking, Swearing (only for comedy’s sake tho’), Dissociation, Guilt (but don’t worry there’s still A LOT of fluff in this piece, tho)

Link to Alternate version on my off-site daydream blog: Humble pie part 1

=================================================================

"Okay, here we go" Beau said, taking one last drag of his cigarette, and taking in one last look at the panoramic view of the town below, Newbury, his hometown, he was away for a year because of college which he dropped out of. Well, "dropout" made it seemed like he had a choice, more like he flunked out, there were' 'reasons that 'made college impossible for Beau, reasons that he couldn't get into or more like reasons he didn't want to get into, these were the some reasons that turned what was suppose to be a 5 hour drive into an 8 hour one, making him stop ever so often to the nearest park, overlook, or clearing to get out, smoke and or take a short walk. These stops were so frequent by the time he reached his hometown’s overlook he was on his last stick, hard to believe he started the trip w/ a full box.

He dropped the last of the remains of the cig on the ground and stomped out the glow ember with his dark brown rounded toed boot, watching the embers glow go out made him feel similar in a way.

Beau took one more last look at the small town below blanketed by the dark, light sky. He looked around. the overlook, bring back memories of. late night make outs, sneak outs and general teenaged shenanigans.

Beau remembers once on a night he was really buzzed, a rare event for him, drinking with his buddies, rather it was the buzz from the beer, or he was just 'riding the 'high off scoring the winning goal for the team, or general teen hormones. He felt invincible, so invincible he stood up on the ledge and proclaimed himself as king of the world

A moment Beau looks back at and shakes his head as if to try to erase the memory from his mind like an etch n’ sketch, suddenly he got a bad taste in his mouth or maybe that's just the cigarettes "King of world….yeah, right" Beau said pulling up the collar of his jacket and shrugging his hands into his pockets, and headed back into the car.

It was getting late and there was no use in stalling any longer, might as well continue to the inevitable. Stalling may be that’s the feeling that's been following him the whole time, stalling the fact that he would have to return to his hometown a failure after being touted and praised for being a star athlete , and getting into a ivy league school, a feat his mom was really proud since she herself couldn't go to college because of having Beau at such a young age, and having to deal with a bunch of other “BS” as Beau would put it.

Beau really wanted to make her proud by becoming a famous football player and make tons of money so she wouldn't ever have to worry about bills n 'stuff and live in the malibu dream house she dreamed of living in since she was a kid, a dream she would talk about to her children like it was fairytale during when time got real tough.Even though she sounded upbeat over the phone about the news, Beau knew his mom was an expert when it came to masking her disappointment and skill that was pretty integral with dealing Beau's birth father. He just hopes she's not too disappointed

As the twilight sky grew more dark the street lights flickered on. Familiar and nostalgic landmarks and structures rolled by as Beau drove by with one hand gripping the wheel while the other hand hung casually out of the rolled down window. the nighttime breeze gentle, tossing his cart dirty blond hair mullet. The 'murmur of punk music lighty playing from the car's speaker, that was playing louder earlier but the volume's quickly depleted because blasting punk 'music at night in a small town is pretty serious offensive a risk, a younger Beau would play around with, but now being older he knows better.

Driving into his old neighborhood, seemingly not much has changed, but what do you expect from a small town? The old neighborhood consisted of typical signatures of most middle upper class .. neighborhoods, Christmas ' decorations long over due to be taken down, manicured lawns, next to slightly less manicured lawns. Some lawns adored w/ gnomes and flamingos, a step up from the lawns of homes in his childhood neighborhood whose homes had what one could consider a lawn but just barely, Beau and his brother were lucky enough to have a sizable back yard and a tree house.

His family's lawn had a bunch of outdoor toys laid about on their lawn: a nerf gun, a pink tricycle, a tiled dyed color bouncy ball and an empty container of mega bubble wand. Beau drove up in the driveway being careful to not accidentally run over any of the toys in the yard.

He eject the mixtape from the player and put it into his jacket chest pocket. Beau leaned over and rummaged through the glove compartment fishing out a small travel can of axe's body spray and another small spray can of mouthwash, he used both to cover the scent of cigarette smoke, a smell his mother was highly sensitive to. He popped in a stick of spearmint for extra measure before getting out of the car and going to the trunk to retrieve his suitcase. Beau only had one suitcase since all the stuff really needed and cared about conveniently fitted in one suitcase.

Beau propped up his suitcase as he closed the trunk, the car beeped and blinked as he pressed the lock button. He headed up the pathway to the front door, his heart beating louder and louder with each step leading up to the front door.

Beau took a deep breath, Pulling himself together. "Okay" He said under his breath as his hand slowly reach for the knob but before he could even get a good grip, the door swung open, Beau's eyes raced up to see the thinning hair of a middle aged man, Beau eyes lowered a bit more to see the mustached clad face of the man the hair belonged to. "Hey, Big Boss! '' the mustache man said with a grin. The man was Beau's stepfather, David.

"Hello, David, I-I mean Dad." Beau awkwardly greeted his stepdad, trying his best not to show discomfort at his step dad's “nickname" for him.

"Ha, ha that's okay, son!”David laughed, giving Beau a hefty pat on the back.

"Here, let me get your bags." David said, reaching for Beau's suitcase, looking behind Beau expecting more bags

“You only brought one bag?" he questioned, looking curiously.

'--I like to be efficient" Beau muttered with a shrug and a side glance. "HAHA you and me both, Big B" David chuckled playful elbowing Beau, who gave a half-smile and a small chuckle--well, more like a slight nose huff

"Hey, honey Big B is home!" David shouted as Beau closed the front door.

His mother came rushing from the bedroom in her rose pink robe w/a barbie in insignia on the front with matching fuzzy slippers, her sandy blond hair still damp from the shower.

"My little boy, oh!" she said, warping Beau in a tight motherly embrace. "Welcome home!" Beau's mother pulled back for a second, cupping her son's face in her hands “you’re still so handsome"

"Wait..." Beau gently removed his mom's hands from his face "Are you okay, mom?" He asked his considerate brown eyes searching his mother's teal eyes for any sign of distress.

"Of course, sweetie," his mom beamed. "I have all of my loved ones under one roof. What's more to ask?"

it's just that I didn't- Y-you know." Beau said with downcast eyes

"Oh, that" his mom said wide eyes and then shaking her head in dismissed

"Don't worry about not finishing college, I mean just look at me"

“But You just seemed so proud that I got in, I just didn't want to let you down"

“Sweetie, it's fine," his mom said, gently guiding his head up with her hand to look at him "I was not proud that-You were becoming the smart, sweet kind young man, I always knew you were, but now. I'm just happy that you’re here and I get to see you go. on the journey myself!" Beau chuckled tightly and blushed at his mom's admiration.

"Plus, Your mom's not the only one who is happy to have You home!” David said, gesturing towards the hallway. Beau looked to see a small figure peeking from the corner, the figure quickly disappeared followed by an overflow of giggles.

A smile slowly creeped across Beau's face, he slowly kneeled down. " "Gasp * Is that my little care bear?"

From the shadows totted out, a little girl dressed in a blue care bear patterned nightgown, her blonde hair tied up in pigtails, she grasped a love-a-lot bear in one arm while her other arm was open as she raced towards Beau, also with arms wide open for a hug "Bo-Bo"

"Hey, care bear!" Beau cooed as he picked up his little sister "Wow, You've gotten so big since the last time I saw you!

"Carrie's been asking when you were coming since you told us you were coming home "David stated

"Really?"

"Yep!'' Carrie nodded proudly "You still have the love-a lot bear I won at grad night". Beau vividly remembers winning Love A Lot and his friends making fun of him, but Carrie really appreciated it more than he thought.

"Yeah, she takes it with her everywhere!" mom emphasized “Thank god, the kindergarten has a security blanket policy!

"Aww..." Beau said fondly looking at Carrie, who had her head resting on his shoulder, still grasping love a lot.

Beau thought for a moment and looked around "wait, where Dev?"

"Oh" mom said putting her hand on her head with a semi sigh "He's been going through... things"

"Teenager things: David specified "He's the big one three now.. "

“Don't worry, I can talk to him!”Beau said, confidently, slowly nodding his head

. Carrie lets out a small yawn "Aw, you sleepy, care bear?" Beau asked as Carrie rubbed her eyes

"It's past her bedtime, but she really wanted to see you," Mom said, stroking Carrie's hair. "Is someone ready for the sleep shuttle'?" Beau asked Carrie, looking at her in her sleepy hazel eyes, she nodded in response

"Alright, Here we go!" Beau held Carrie in both hands placing his arms out in front of him, he kneeled down and started counting down. "3…..2...1. Blast off!"

Beau shot Carrie in the as he stood back up. As he moved towards Carrie's bedroom, he moved all around side to side, up and down while making spaceship sounds, Carrie was giggling all the way through.

"Incoming! "Beau shouted as he swooshed Carrie round a few more times before landing her swiftly on the bed.

"Huston, the eagle. has landed!." Beau said, holding his ear as if he had an earpiece "Not eagle! Bear!" Carrie stated holding up her care bear "correction, the "BEAR" has landed!" Beau correcting himself, bringing a huge smile to her face as she nuzzled her care bear

"Okay, night, right, care bear" Beau said patting carries head

"Wait!" Carrie said holding on to her brother's arm "Is Bo-Bo still gonna be here in the Morning?""Of course, I'm not going anywhere at least for a while.." "Beau said, kneeling down to Carrie's eye level.

"Okay, I like having Bo-Bo around:'' Carrie said "and I like being around" Beau said, "see you in the morning, care bear" Beau gives Carrie a good night kiss on the forehead.

She settles into bed as Beau closes the door. Beau grinned to himself, feeling lucky to have such a cute sister. He remembers when Devin was that little, speaking of Dev. Beau apphoraced Dev's bedroom door. The door was caution tape, Don't enter signs, with a please knock before entering sign.

At first Beau did think about knocking but then thought "I could be a respectful older brother respect the sign or I could have fun and be a little shit. He pondered about it for a minute then-"yeah, I'm gonna be a little shit.”

Beau took a card out his wallet and wedged it in between the door to jimmied the lock. He peeked through the door to see Dev playing a video game on the tv. "you little..." Beau said under his breath, before bombastically opening the door "Hey there, squirt!" Beau said, shoving the door open

"Didn't you read the sign?!" Dev said as he turned around in his gamer chair in both shock-and annoyance

"Wow, that's a pretty warm welcome to give your older brother you haven't seen in a year!" Beau snarked, pretending to look hurt'' "Nice to see you too!"

"Oh my god!" Dev said, rolling his eyes and turning his chair back to tv, bringing his attention back to the game.

"and here I thought you were working on a project or homework or some school shit!" Beau continued "but no, you're just sitting here playing one of your little nerd games"

"Oh my god, can't you just leave!" Dev groaned as he hunching closer to the tv.

"You couldn't at least say "Hi" " Beau said now standing right behind Dev gamer chair

Dev raised and waved his hand half-heartedly and flatly said "hi"

"Well, damn I feel loved," Beau said sarcastically. "aren't you at least gonna look at me?" shaking the gaming chair a bit to gain an ounce of his little brother’s attention.

“ I saw you "Kool aid man" into my room. Is that enough?" Dev said still focusing on the game Beau sighed, then got an idea "Dev! Dev! I think there's something wrong with my heart I think I gonna-ugh!" He said staggering forward a bit before falling in Dev's lap, knocking out the game controller out of Dev's hands.

"Come on! I was in the middle of battle!" Dev whined looking at his brother playing dead

"Get off of me!" Dev go armed as he tried to push beau off with no luck

"Come on, Beau!" He gored in frustration “I know you're not dead! I can still feel your heartbeat..."

Get up!" Beau remained still, Dev rolled his eyes; he knew the exact words to get his brother off his back or in this case lap.

"Big brother, can you please get off of me n Dev utter begrudgingly "Aw, you haven't call me ‘Big brother’ in years" Beau chimed with a smile, finally getting up "I'm still kind of hurt, that you cared about your gaming progress than the well being for your one and only big brother"

"You were still breathing, I could literally see you inhaling and exhaling." Dev clarified rubbing his forehead

"Touche, I guess" Beau said he then directed Dev's chair in front his bed," now that I have your attention"

"Okay, I guess I should say sorry since you couldn't and say "hi" to me because you were too busy saving some elf princess, or some anime chick with huge melons"

"I-H-Hey I don't even play those types of games!" Dev argued blushing

" .-sure you "don't'." Beau taunted with a wink, Dev goanned "Anyways, Anyways you don't have to say "hi",; but you could at least not talk to me"

Beau suggested, shrugging. "I guess" Dev mumbled kind of sinking into his chair "cool, so how's life?" Beau started, trying to start a diagoul "okay"

"How's school?"

"Okay"

"How’re your friends?"

"Okay"

"Got a girlfriend?"'

"NO”

"Got a boyfriend?"

N-NO"

"Got any crushes"

“….NO…..."

"joined any clubs or any other after school junk?"

" ..... NO..."

"Are you just gonna answer all my questions in one word?"

Dev fell quiet, and shifted his gaze from his brother

“Okay, that's it!" Beau huffed, he picked up Dev and hoasted him over his shoulder "Hey! put me down!" Dev-shouted , beating his fists on Beau's back "Not until you talk to me like an actual person, and one worded answers aren't gonna cut it, squirt!"

"MOM! Dad!"

"Mom and Dav-Dad are fast asleep, and you know they both sleep like rocks!" Beau stated'' the only person you'll wake up is Carrie, and You don't want to wake little care bear, now do YOU?"

Dev fell Quiet again, "You know I can hold you like this for hours, you aren't really that heavy, or you can just end this and talk to me" Beau suggested ending the suggestion with a sigh and started to stomp his foot impatiently..

Dev continued the silent treatment for a bit until letting out a meek "Okay...I'll try" .

Hey, three words, that's a start!" Beau cheekly commented,He sat Dev back down in his green gamer chair.

"Okay, do over!" Beau said casually sitting across from Dev and his bed. "so, how's school going?" "F-fine” Beau gave Dev a intense look, reminding Dev of his word count “N-no, I mean it's just weird" Dev stuttered choosing his words carefully, Dev fiddled with his hoodie sleeves.

"and it's weird because..." Beau initiated, gesturing his hand toward encouraging Dev to continue "It's weird because.... I don't know, Middle school is way different than 'elementary school, I mean I knew that from tv, but middle school isn't like tv."

"It's okay, nothing like tv, that thing lies” Beau softly chuckled to himself and continued “I remember thinking Pogo sticks were the SHIT-cuz 'of people and cartoons on tv made it look so easy"

"I finally got enough money for one-- you were like little you probably don’t remember this-- but I was SO HYPED, I wanted mom to watch me. I took one hop, fell on my ass, and never hopped on that bitch again. I was pissed, I think mom was trying to her best not to laugh but I was so pissed I think I didn’t notice until now. I chucked the pogo stick in the garage, and I never looked at that bitch again”

Dev let out a stiff laugh, the defensive wall Dev put was slowly breaking

"Oh WAIT WAIT!” Beau said taking a moment to correct himself “ That WASN’T the last time the last time I looked that bitch, I fished it out of garage years later, only cuz’ I need some money for Madden. So, I did look at that bitch one more time, but only to sell that bitch.”

Dev let out a more audible laugh, but quickly caught himself and recollected, returned to his disillusioned teenage state.

"Anyway, The teacher's are kind of weird, like a lot of them hate my guts already, except for the coaches who are super nice to me." Dev explained, kind of looking away from his brother

"Weird, why do you think that is?" Beau asked whole hearty

"Because I'm related to you, Numb skull!" Dev blunted , groaning putting his hand on his forehead

"Oh damn, I guess that's my fault." Beau realized, rubbing the back of his neck "My bad. that my awesomeness is just lengardy"

Dev shook his head and rolled his eyes "It's not awesome to live in YOUR shadow!" Dev sulked, sinking back into his chair, his hands covering his face.

"You don't have to follow in my awesomeness, I know I'm a hard act to follow." Beau boasted teastingly so"You just gotta make your own awesomeness."

"What does that even mean?" Dev questioned, moving his hands down, allowing his eyes to peek through his fingers, trying not to given the urge to roll his eyes

"It's like my awesomeness comes from my boyish charm and good looks..." Beau claimed, striking an award winning smile, The urge not to roll his eyes was becoming even hard for Dev, but he still had to try and respect Beau "But your awesomeness could come from being good at games, or computers shit or math or robots or something--I don't know something real nerdy"

"I guess, you're right" Dev mumbled and shrugged,lifting himself up back into a sitting position rather than almost spilling out of his chair.

"Its not a guess, its science!" Beau declared proudly, tapping his temple with his index finger

"No,that's not science!" Dev arguing his brother's stupidity, flatly shaking his head in disagreement

"See, there you go using your nerd awesomeness" Beau pointed out with a wink "Keep that up and you'll go from Beau's lil bro, to just ‘Dev’ in no time." Beau playful tousled Devs mop dirty blonde hair

"I mean.." Dev continued batting his brother's hand away, "I was also thinking of joining the video game club or the robotics club at school."

"There you go another nerdy thing that to add to your own awesomeness" Beau said

"Yeah...." Dev continued ignoring his brother's comment' “Some of my friends are thinking about joining, and it would be a nice place to go away from mom and dad."

"I had sick memories of hanging out with the team, we got into some wild shit." Beau said laughing to himself, fondly reminiscing "But I'm sure you and you geek squad could have "wild" times too, like making an anime robot 'weify." or whatever those called or finding a new math formula or something"

Dev fell quiet for another moment, Beau always seems like he’s in between being supportive and subtly roasting him, Dev then uttered "um... I think I kind of have a crush... on a girl..."

"AYE, let's go! "Beau exclaimed, clapping and shaking Dev's chair for a bit before bouncing back on the bed'' Come on, don't leave me hanging, what's her name? "Have you talked to her vet? Have you asked her out? Have-"

"Calm down!" Dev demanded "I said I had a crush, I didn't say we’re going out.'"

"Oh, so you haven’t talked to her, huh?”

"No, I-I don't even know her name" Dev huffed, he let his arms slip into his oversize sleeves and covered his sleeves with his face in frustration.

"You know you could just ask, not the chick, like just ask around"

"I can't do that because if I do, people will find out I like her and if she finds out, I would just have to stop going to school!”

"Okay, let’s just pretend you DO have the balls to talk to this girl, what's the worst that could happen?" Beau suggested

"She finds out that I like her, thinks I'm weird and never wants to talk to me again or even look at me!” Dev muffled through his sleeved covered face

"You really think she can sus that out all in one go!" Beau said "I mean she is a middle Schooler unless she's like a young nancy drew, she is not going to chew you up and spit out like that." Beau explained "speaking of which''

Beau paused for a moment to spit out his gum into the trash can "Score!"

"Anyways, have you done anything weird to her or around her?"

"No, I mean I look at her in the hallways before and in between class, but I don't like-- stalk her or anything too weird." Dev mumbled, moving his sleeves from his face, but his head was still targeted down at his fingers fiddling with a tag on his black shorts

"So, then what's the fear?" Beau inquired, resting his chin on the heel of his palm

Dev thought for a moment, his eyes shifting looking for an answer." I-I guess I just don't know how to talk to her."

"Well, fuck, that's easy" Beau chuckled “Just talk about school shit, or just say "hi"

"Is it really that easy?"

"Yeah, if you have the balls for it" Beau reiterated "Think about it like this, the dudes you play in your little nerd games have to fight a dragon, a demon or some anime witch with huge melons to talk to the girl they like and they er brave enough to do all of that wacky shit. But you’re lucky, you don't have a dragon for real in your way to keep you talking from your crush. The dragon's just in your head! If those hero dudes can fight dragons they actually can see, doesn't that mean you can fight a dragon you don't even see."

"That was a really lame and kind of confusing metaphor" Dev sassed " But I guess understand what your trying to say"

"Exactly" Beau said nodding confidentiality

"Can we talk about mom and dad?" Dev asked sheepishly, looking up at his brother, (well as much as he could with his shaggy bangs in the way), his fingers now toying with his hoodie strings

"Did something happen?"

"No, I mean yeah, I mean it's just weird" Dev said "Mom and dad are starting to get more annoying but I don't know if they were always like that or they like charged"

"No, parents don't really change-usually” Beau explained “It's just that being a teenager makes you hypersensitive to a bunch of shit and makes you wanna be alone more. Parents, the good ones like spending time with their kids and they actually want quality time n' shit and that's where they start to get annoying".

“"Oh okay,” Dev nodded.'' It's just weird because sometimes I feel like I hate them, but I don't want to. I think I just really want to be alone more like you said but I don't want to shut them out, I just want them to get that." Dev-fiddles with the strings of his green hoodie

"Yeah, I think they do in a weird old people kind of way. Believe it or not they were teenagers to even if that was back in the stone age n' shit" Beau joke"

Dev let out an actual laugh, a sign to Beau that he's little bro was being less of a moody teenager

"Anyway, even with that said mom and david-I mean dad aren't mind readers, it would be cool if you give them a heads up, you don't have to tell them all about what's going on in your little teen nerd brain but at least something simple like something weird or funny that happened at school, or asking for help on homework or a project for class or some shit like that, I'm pretty sure Dav-dad would love that.."

"I guess I could try". Dev said slightly nodding his head "But Carrie is kind of weird too!

"How can Carrie be weird, she's 5.” Beau scoffed "she doesn't do anything weird really"

Dev added" it's just sometimes she's regular cute and other times she's annoyingly cute if that makes sense"

"I mean like kind of get what you're saying but "Beau shrugged gesturing his hand toward prompting Dev to continue

"Like I still look out for her because she little, but because she's little that means I have to do dumb stuff like look for monsters under her bed or do that sleep shuttle thing you do, but I can't really do it because my arms give out halfway through and she's heavier than she looks."

"Well, little brothers and sisters are annoying, it's kind of their job, trust me I know from experience" Beau: put his hand on Dev's knee, Dev tried to Swat at it but Beau quickly put his hand back with a smirk.

"But like with mom and da-David just cuz she's annoying doesn't mean You can’t look out for her n stuff"

"I guess, its because lately, it seems like'' Dev paused 'for a beat, his hands hard gripping the strings of his hoodie, before continuing" I don't know mom and dad have been paying more attention to her than me"

A mischievous smile creeps across his face. "AW does someone miss being the baby?"'

"Oh, fuck! I knew you 'er gonna say that!" Dev blurted out, feeling really exposed, he pulled his hoodie strings allowing his head to be consumed by his hoodie, all but his nose.

"Hey! language,” Beau said, surprised at his little brother's reaction those harsh words coming out of the mouth of small boy sporting a Yoshi hoodie

"You cuss' all the time!" Dev huffed pulling his hoodie back down, then crossing his arm definitely

"Yeah, but I'm older than you, and if mom and David--DAD hear you curse they’er gonna know you got it from me and won't get off my ass about it!"

Dev stared at his brother, simmering in frustration in failing to coming up w/a good come back or a flaw in his brother's logic, He let out a heavy sigh and resumed "Anyways, it's NOT like I miss being the baby, I just miss being able to hold their attention without Carrie coming in and stealing them anyway, I don't know its weird"

"Wait, did you just say that you wanted to be alone and away from mom and David-fuck. I'm not even gonna try more-he's asleep anyways." giving up any attempt to make the word "Dad" same with the name "David"

"Yeah, I know that's what makes it weird!" Dev admitted, he sulked back deeper into his chair and let out a groan.

"You know Carrie's not awake all the time, maybe you can talk to mom and David, when she goes down for her nap, hell, I could just take her to the park for a day." Beau offered

"You'd really do that for me?" Dev peeped, quickly lifting himself up in a sitting position, surprised at his brother kind offer

"Yeah, anything to make you less of a weird angsty shut in, with a bunch of cringy keep out signs and keep out tape!" Beau gestured towards the door

"Actually, I got that caution tape from a real crime scene" Dev clarified, with a smug smile

"Really?" Beau taking a longer closer look at the door

"No, thick head, I found it in a dumpster next to party city!"

"You go dumpster diving?" Beau said, raising an eyebrow

"I have a life outside of YOU!" Dev stated proudly

"Okay, and on that... Weird garbage goblin flex, sibling bonding time is over." Beau said getting up from the bed and heading for the door

"Actually, one more thing..." Beau said quickly, turning around, rushing towards Dev, putting him into a headlock.

"Did ya miss me? Come on, tell me that you missed me!" Beau taunted as he gave his brother a long and through noogie "Ouch, Ow, Ow, Okay, okay, I missed You. Geez:" Dev pleaded trying to struggle out of his brother's grip

"That's what I wanted to hear!" Beau said with a smirk, letting 'Dev go.

"Ugh! my hair" Dev fumed , gawking at his even more messy mop of hair.

"Like you care about appearances" Beau chuckled" mop top nerd!"

"Mullet-hair metal meathead!"

"Ouch, that was pretty good" Beau teased pretending to look hurt "Garbage Goblin"

"You already-"Dev started but was cut off by Beau closing the door

"Too late, the door is closed, I can't hear you, which means I win!" Beau said through the door, laughing at his brother's muffled fury of frustration.

Beau grinned relishing in the absolute confusion of his younger brother, but that good vibe quickly faded once he arrived at the door to his old bedroom. He just stood there and stared at the door for a bit, he could feel the icky stew of the emotions from bubbling back up again.

He flexed his hand a few times as if this was the first time he's ever pored a door, Beau's hand reached for the door handle before retracted as if the knob was red hot.

Beau sheepishly looked around as if somebody was watching him, no one was but it sure did feel like it. He considered sleeping on the couch, but that would be weird, since it seemed like his step dad put his luggage in his room. so, eventually he would have to go into his room anyway.

Beau took a deep breath. "Come on, it's just a door, dude!" He told himself Beau's hand rested on the door knob, he took another deep, his hand gained a stronger grip, and he slowly pushed the door open, Beau carefully entered the room as he closed the door behind him. Looking around the room was plaster with posters of football players and a few pinups of doe-eye, sensual women in swimsuits and other scantily clad outfits.

Athletic medals, trophies and awards displayed proudly on his bookshelf that lacked any actual books, those trophies stood next to pictures of Beau with his teammates, all illuminated by the moon's dull pale blue light. These relics of what felt like a bygone era used to fill Beau with so much pride and joy but looking at them now just leaves a bad taste in his mouth.

He could barely even recognize himself in those photos. This whole room felt like a shrine or more like a tomb to someone who no longer exists.

Looking at all this stuff just made the icky feelings from before rise up to the back of his throat making the bad taste linger even longer.

Beau couldn't really pin what-these feelings were, so he shifted his focus on just getting some sleep

As he thought, Beau's step dad put his luggage on his bed. He opened his bag and quickly changed into a white tank top and some grey sweatpants. He fished out the mix tape from his jean jacket and put into the gray clucky music player on his nightstand. Beau turns the music up loud enough for him to hear but not loud enough for disturb anyone else. Heavy metal music (ironally) helped him sleep on hard nights.

Beau laid in bed focusing on the one spot in his room that wasn't decorated with high school memorabilia. Focusing on that spot was way better than focusing on the icky feelings from earlier. All he needed to was focus on sleep just sleep, Beau closed his eyes and tried to focus on just sleep.

The next time Beau opened his eyes, he was back in the hallway of his highschool. Beau looked around confused why he was back here but before he could really sus out the situation, his thoughts were interrupted by a loud thud. He followed the sound of the thud that led to a scene of a bespectacled student being shoved up against the lockers. The student's face contorted by fear.

"P-please, d-don't hurt me. "the student uttered, the words quivering as it left his lips.

"Aww, look at him, guys." a familiar voice said, Beau couldn't see whom the voice belonged to. There was a strange mist in the hallway that obscured the person's face.-

"He's scared." the voice said mockly, the person nodded towards a group of people whose faces were also obscured by the mist, they laughed in response

“Don't worry, little buddy, I'm not gonna hurt ya:" the person taunted as he tightened his grip on the student and shoved his body up against the failing student. "As long as you don't squeal" .

"You squeal, and I'll fry you like the pig you are, got it. Swine?"

"I-I p-promise I W-won't. J-just please let me go!" the student begged

Beau was disturbed by scene happening before him, but along with the feel of disgust came a feeling of familiarity, like he's been there before

Just then the fog lift to reveal the face of a younger version of Beau dawned in his red “New Burny High school” letterman jacket. He was smirking relish in the fear he was inflicting on the poor student.

Older Beau slowly back up, almost stumbling as he was coming to the realization of the origin of all those icky feelings from before

"I don't know, do we trust him, guys?" Younger beau asked cocking his head back to his teammates, who shook their head in disagreement "The Boys and I don't seem very sure of that, I think I'm gonna have to test your loyalty !" Younger Beau winded up his arm for a punch, But before his fist could make an impact.

Beau found himself back in his room in a cold sweat, hyperventilating as quickly rose from his bed. His room, still illuminated by the moonlight, with the metal mix tape softly playing in the background. He looked at his hand as if they were lethal weapons. How could I do such a thing?

#daydream blog #daydream blogging #daydream dairy #paraportal #paracosm: humble pie #para: beau #para: devin #para: carrie #immersive daydreaming #paracosm

17 notes · View notes

z3ld4 · 4 years

Text

Mercy Me - Part Two

PART ONE

Summary: Jacqueline Laymore can’t really tell when it started to hurt to call Spencer her friend. But that didn’t really matter after she got kidnapped. Right now all that matters is getting home and getting Spencer Reid.

Warnings: Dissociation, PTSD trigger, slight wlw moments if you squint, the word hippie? (idk if people find it offensive bc i feel like it could be but im not sure but better safe than sorry right?)

Word Count: 1k i think

A/N: i have no concept of time or how hitchhiking really works. bone apple tea 😎

Surprisingly, it was pretty easy to find a person willing to let Jacqueline catch a ride. She sat on the side of the road with her thumb sticking out and after the first four cars, a salmon Volkswagen van pulled onto the shoulder.

A girl poked her head out of the window. She had a medium complexion with ambiguous features. What stuck out the most was her rich brown hair and eyes, the curly hair was left natural, bound into a loose ponytail by a bandana. “Where are ya headed, Darlin’?” The thick Georgian accent caught Jacqueline off guard. But it reminded her of her friend JJ’s husband, Will.

“Uh… DC?” Jacqueline called out, the back of her neck was beginning to burn, and right now, the person driving a van probably won’t kill her.

The girl’s face lit up and Jacqueline noticed that she had pink braces. “I’m goin’ there too! Hop in Doll, it’s not like I’m a serial killer or anything!” Jacqueline stopped walking to the side of the can. Her body looked almost posed with her hand reaching out for the door handle.

“That’s exactly what a serial killer would say.” Jacqueline knew that it was irrational, thinking that way. That the girl with the hot pink blush didn’t really seem like the murdering type but, maybe it was the job, maybe the trauma, she can’t bring herself to fully trust her.

The girl feigned hurt, “Okay then. My name ‘s Gertrude, but you can call me Trudy pretty lil’ thang, Grayhiker. I’m twenty-three and I am currently driving back to DC so I can finish up my degree.” The girl stuck her arm out the window of the car and grinned down at Jacqueline. She looked nineteen, it was almost amazing Trudy was even able to drink.

“My name is uh Jacqueline Laymore, you can call me Jacqie I guess.” Jacqueline's fist-bumped Trudy’s open hand awkwardly, “I need to get back to DC for my job.”

Jacqueline opened the car door and stepped inside. The inside of the van looked like the 60’s vomited in it. It was extremely colorful and the walls were plastered with ‘hippie’ bands. There was also a dreamcatcher dangling before a window. Jacqueline wondered if it was authentic or not, by the looks of Trudy’s personality she would assume so. Trudy patted the passenger’s seat and Jacqueline crawled over the console and situated herself in the seat.

“If ya’ don't mind me askin’, what’s your job?” Trudy smiled at Jacqueline as she started driving again. Jacqueline hurriedly buckled her seatbelt and uncomfortably dragged her nails along the fabric of her pants. “I work for the Behavioral Analysis Unit. I’m actually a licensed psychologist.” A piece of her bangs started irritating Jacqueline’s right eye and she rubbed at it harshly.

Trudy looked over to Jacqueline and giggled, “You have gorgeous eyes, Babes. Very exotic looking with the one blue and the other brown. You look far too young to be a psychologist though. Isn’t it a little coinkydink that I’m studying for my doctorate and you’re already a psychologist?”

Jacqueline found herself at a loss for words, it’s not that people didn’t compliment her eyes — they did, a lot — but the genuine compliment was something new to her. Most people just think it’s cool that her eyes are different colors, and others think she’s a freak. All of the people at work just pitied her for her eye colors due to the relentless animosity from her hometown regarding her eyes.

“I’m only thirty-one. I went to college a little early. How is your degree going?” Jacqueline’s eyes follow Trudy’s profile and gauge her microexpressions.

Trudy turned to Jacqueline for a second and smiled and Jacqueline’s heart skipped a beat. “Thirty-one? You don’t look a day over eighteen!” Jacqueline mumbled thanks before looking out of her window. The blush covering her cheeks started flowing to her ears and by now Trudy must have noticed.

There are eight years between the two and Trudy is trying to make a move on Jacqueline. While Jacqueline has no problem with girls and stuff like that, the idea of being intimate with anyone at that moment would be the equivalent of eating salt and vinegar chips after biting your lips.

Jacqueline happened to love salt and vinegar chips, but at that moment, literally anything else seemed like the better option.

No one needs the baggage that came with Jacqueline Laymore.

“Angel? Are you doing alright?” Trudy asked. Jacqueline didn’t pay attention to anything past that because her eyes kept going in and out of focus. Eventually, the world just faded to nothingness, though Jacqueline could feel herself moving.

Her state of mind was brought back to the present when Trudy set a warm hand on Jacqueline's shoulder. “Jacqie? Are you alright?”

Jacqueline realized she was dissociating. The name ‘angel’ must have triggered her. Gabriel always called her, ‘his angel.’ “How long was I out of it?”

“You were dissociating, right? Did I trigger your PTSD or something?” Trudy’s eyes were moving from the road to Jacqueline so fast, Jacqueline thought they might roll out of her head. Jacqueline nodded. “Only a few minutes. Are you alright?” Jacqueline nodded again before leaning her head onto her hand. The countryside was passing her by and all she could think about was Gabriel’s voice.

Everything felt like she was underwater. Jacqueline always used to tell Spencer that everything bad that’s happened to her started with a bath. So far, it was true. The feeling of submerging your head underwater and being able to hear the pipelines. It was nostalgic for Jacqueline. Not the good nostalgic. Just because it was a simpler time for her didn’t mean it was a better one. The van kept driving along.

The two girls knew they were in for a long drive west so Trudy started turning up the volume on her radio. It got to the point where Jacqueline couldn’t think past the music and the two started singing and dancing along to it. Trudy seemed to really enjoy how Jacqueline was reacting to the songs so Jacqueline started singing louder. Always the people pleaser.

At some point, Trudy stopped and pulled into a McDonald’s drive-thru.

“What do you want Jacq?” Trudy asked.

“Can I have a cheeseburger and fries with a coke? I can pay you back.” Jacqueline fished out Gabriel’s wallet and pulled out ten dollars to give to Trudy. Trudy took the money as she pulled up to the next window.

Once their food comes they eat as they continue to drive west. Theatrically, they drove into the sunset.

58 notes · View notes

sanderssidesfanfiction · 5 years

Text

We’ll Carry On - Chapter Twenty One

We’ll Carry On Tag

General Content Warnings: Sympathetic Deceit Sanders, Substance Abuse, Abandonment, Minor Character Death, Transphobia, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, Dissociation, Bullying, Homophobia

December 16th, 2017

It was a simple slip-up. A small slip of the tongue that really shouldn’t have had such catastrophic events as it did. But Patton had him wrapped in a hug in their closet, a hand clamped over Virgil’s mouth in an attempt to keep him quiet as Charles absolutely trashed their room, looking for them. All because Virgil had accidentally called him, “Dad” in a sarcastic tone when Charles was ordering him around.

Virgil squeezed his eyes shut tight and a few tears slipped out without his permission. He tried to focus on his breathing, on the feeling of Pat’s hugs, but all he could truly focus on was Charles screaming and throwing things to the floor with a crash.

When Charles finally lumbered away, Patton and Virgil left the closet, cleaning up what they could of their room. Virgil vowed never to slip up like that again. He didn’t want anyone getting hurt over a simple word.

April 16th, 2019

It was a simple-slip up. A small slip of the tongue that had Virgil paling when he realized what he had said. He tried not to hyperventilate as he realized he had just did what he had told himself years ago that he would never do again.

Logan’s birthday was today, and as such they had gone to a restaurant of Logan’s choosing for dinner. It was such an innocent question, he hadn’t even thought about it much. But he had said it. “Dad, can you pass me a fork?”

Everyone had frozen and looked at him. Virgil was trying to figure out how he could get out of this situation without getting hurt. Mister Emile was sitting next to the forks, so it was clear who he was talking to. He didn’t see a way out of this.

Mister Emile jerked to life again with a blink and passed Virgil a fork. “Here you go, Virge.”

“So wait,” Mister Remy said. “If he’s Dad, then who am I?”

Tears were forming in Virgil’s eyes and he couldn’t look at anyone at the table. “I’m sorry!” he blurted. “That’s not what I meant to say!”

Everyone was staring at him still and he buried his face in his hands as Patton hugged him. “It’s okay, Virge. You’re not gonna be in trouble,” he murmured.

“Why would he be in trouble for calling our dad ‘Dad’?” Logan asked. “That is, technically speaking, who he is.”

“Last time he called anyone Dad was to Charles,” Patton said. “And uh...Charles didn’t take that well.”

“Oh,” Logan said softly.

“Hey, Virgil, can you look at me?” Mister Emile asked.

Virgil peeked out from behind his hands and was surprised to see that Mister Emile wasn’t angry, or even upset. He was grinning, and there were the beginnings of tears in his eyes. “It’s okay if you want to call me Dad, all right? Is that who you think of me as?”

Blushing scarlet, Virgil nodded.

“Well, then, I can be Dad,” Mister Emile said. “No need to kick up a fuss about it.”

Virgil sniffled and nodded, offering him a watery and thankful smile.

“I repeat my question,” Mister Remy teased. “If he’s Dad, then who am I?”

Dee perked up and immediately made a sign close to his face that Virgil recognized but couldn’t place. Logan laughed. “Amiable? Bit of a mouthful, Dee,” he said with a good-natured smile.

Mister Remy just looked thoughtful. “Amiable. I could work with that. It is a little long, though. Why not just call me Ami? If you boys want to, of course.”

Virgil croaked out a, “Sure,” as everyone else offered varying noises of agreement. “I’m confused,” Virgil said, mulling over his words. “Why are you all so okay with what I said?”

“I already saw Dad as...well, Dad,” Roman said. “But I was a little scared to be the first one to say anything.”

Logan hummed his agreement. “I’ve seen both of them as better fathers than I could have ever hoped for, but I was at a bit of a loss as to what to call them,” he mumbled the last bit, turning red.

“Your pragmatism would get in the way of affection, nerd,” Roman teased.

Logan stuck his tongue out at Roman and Dee giggled, making Patton smile in turn, and a knot loosened in Virgil’s gut. Nobody was mad at him. Everyone else agreed with him that Mister Emile and Mister Remy were Dad and Ami. This didn’t have to be as terrifying as it was.

Everyone continued dinner soon after as if nothing happened. Virgil knew that Mister Emile...Dad was occasionally sending him glances filled with affection and proud smiles, and so was...Ami. This would take some getting used to, but Virgil didn’t regret it.

...He didn’t regret it, but it did make him nervous. He wished he could get rid of that feeling, but he had a sneaking suspicion that would never go away. He would always be nervous about something or another.

“So Virgil,” Dad said, grabbing his attention. “How was school today?”

“Oh! Uh, not bad,” Virgil said, shrugging. “Patton and I played with some of the other kids in our class at recess until we found a little caterpillar and that sorta...took all the rest of our time outside.”

Patton lit up. “It was really cool! It was bright green and had at least a dozen legs and I’m not sure what kind of caterpillar it was, but I know it’s gonna make a beautiful butterfly!” he exclaimed.

“There are many kinds of caterpillars that are green,” Logan said, humming. “But considering the region, that does narrow down our options some. Not by much, but a little bit.” He pulled out his phone and searched up something that Virgil couldn’t see, but then Logan showed them the screen. “These are just a few options the caterpillar could be.”

Virgil was enraptured by the pictures of butterflies and moths that Logan had pulled up. “That’s so cool!” he exclaimed. “They’re all so cool-looking!”

“And pretty!” Patton added. “They’re super pretty!”

Virgil looked at Patton with a grin. “You always did like the pretty things, Pat.”

“Yup!” Patton exclaimed with pride in his voice. “Because who wouldn’t want to be pretty?”

“I, personally, would prefer to be handsome,” Logan offered up. “But if you choose to want to be pretty, then that is, after all, your choice.”

Patton grinned at him. Virgil nudged his twin playfully. “Patton’s a little weird sometimes. I don’t understand why he would want to be pretty, but I won’t judge him.”

“Some time, I wanna try on a skirt,” Patton said. “One with all the bright colors and pretty flowers that some of the girls at school wear! They always look so pretty, and the skirts swish around, and it looks so perfect...” He sighed happily. “Yeah. I want to try a skirt.”

“We can go to the store and see if you find one you like,” Dad offered. “Not tonight, but maybe this weekend?”

Patton gasped. “Really?!”

Roman laughed. “I’ve found that Dad and Ami never offer anything that they don’t intend on finishing. If you want to try a skirt, they’ll let you.”

“Yes!” Patton cheered.

Logan laughed, right up until the wait staff came over with an ice cream sundae with a candle stuck in the whipped cream, and started singing “Happy Birthday” to him. Virgil sang along with their whole family and the workers. He was a little worried when Logan started crying as they sang, “Happy birthday dear Logan,” but Logan was still smiling, so Virgil assumed the tears were happy ones.

When Logan let every last one of his brothers get a taste of the ice cream, he wiped his tears and said, “That’s the first time people have sung my actual name in the Happy Birthday song in a group,” he managed to choke out. “Jack did it last year, and this year he did it again at lunch, but this is the first time anyone’s done it in a group.”

“Happy tears?” Virgil asked.

Logan laughed and nodded. “I like it when people use my real name.”

Patton nodded sagely. “Yeah. I don’t understand why anyone would think you’re anything but my brother. And you’re a great brother, too.”

Logan grinned as he took back the sundae and took his own bites. “Thanks, Pat. That means a lot.”

Virgil shook his head. “Pat’s always ridiculously nice like that. Honestly, I worry about him when it comes to bullies, because he always gives everyone the benefit of the doubt.”

Patton shrugged. “Everyone deserves a chance to prove themselves, no matter what rumors about them are. And I really don’t care too much if they try and hurt me. So long as you’re okay, I’m okay.”

Virgil smiled shyly and ducked his head. “You flatter me, Pat. But you also shouldn’t base your happiness on mine, because that could wind up hurting you.”

Patton shrugged. “Okay. As long as you’re not hurt, I usually don’t have reason to be upset. Better?”

“Still kinda focusing on me, but it’s a little better,” Virgil conceded.

Patton grinned in victory. Virgil rolled his eyes and gave Patton his Don’t think you’ve won look.

Oh, but I have! Patton said with his smug grin.

Virgil stuck his tongue out at Patton. “Play nice,” Ami said. “Don’t want any hurt feelings.”

Dee waved his hands and signed, “I think they’re playing.”

“Yeah, they’re playing, but sometimes people can stop playing and wind up hurting others if they’re not careful,” Ami explained. “So I’m reminding them to play nicely.”

Virgil swung his legs as Logan finished the last of the ice cream. “You know, we do know to play nice,” Virgil pointed out. “I wouldn’t ever hurt Pat intentionally. I count on him too often to push him away.”

“Same here,” Patton piped up. “Sometimes all you have is family.”

Roman got a distant, sad look in his eyes. “Sometimes, you don’t even have that,” he said softly.

Virgil frowned. Roman worried him, sometimes, when he said things like that. He hoped that Roman was okay. He couldn’t imagine what life would be like if Patton weren’t in it. But no one knew about where Roman had come from, not even Dad and Ami. So Virgil could only wonder.

Logan finished his ice cream and everyone stood up, Dad pulling out the money for the meal and leaving it on the table. When they all left the restaurant, the clouds were hanging heavy overhead. “It might rain soon,” Virgil noted.

“Yeah,” Patton agreed. “But that means we can be all cozy inside tonight.”

“Speaking of tonight, I was thinking we could either do a game night or a movie night?” Ami proposed. “If Logan is up for it, that is. And he’d get first game and or movie choice.”

Logan perked up and Virgil smiled. He liked it when Logan got excited about things. It usually meant he’d start sharing his trivia knowledge, or he’d become more expressive, which Virgil didn’t get to see often. “If I get first choice on movies, I totally want to see Black Panther,” he declared. “It’s great, and I need to introduce my brothers to Marvel.”

“That is a bit more of a...grown-up movie,” Dad pointed out.

Logan frowned. “Oh, yeah...I forgot that Shuri is sometimes...not PG-friendly. Uh...how about Into the Spider-verse then? Still Marvel, but a little more kid-friendly.”

“Sure,” Dad agreed. “And if anyone gets scared, they’re free to leave the room at any time, no judgement.”

“Maybe a little disappointment,” Logan said. “But not at you, more in the fact that I picked a bad movie if it scared you.”

“Oh, you know what else is PG?” Roman asked. “Shrek is!”

Logan rolled his eyes and Virgil cackled as Logan snapped, “We’re not watching Shrek on my birthday!” He huffed and tweaked his glasses. “Everyone knows that Shrek 2 was better anyway.”

“But they’re human most of the movie! That’s no fun!” Roman exclaimed.

“Maybe, but I Need a Hero was a show-stopper song,” Logan rebutted.

Roman crossed his arms and huffed. “I guess!” he exclaimed, throwing up his hands into the sky.

Virgil laughed as Logan gave a smug grin not unlike the one Patton made earlier. “Into the Spider-verse first. Then we can talk about the possibility of Shrek 2.”

“Fine,” Roman whined.

Virgil bounced in excitement. “I really want to see Into the Spider-verse,” he offered. “That and maybe Detective Pikachu when it comes out.”

“That won’t be on-demand for a while,” Logan warned. “You’d have to see it in the actual movie theater.”

Virgil shrugged. “Worth it. I like Pokémon a lot.”

“Noted,” Logan said. “Maybe we could talk about it sometime. I enjoyed breeding Eevees to complete the evolutionary chain, and observe their different stats.”

“Definitely!” Virgil exclaimed. “I want to learn more about the stats, for sure!”

Logan smiled, but looked pleasantly surprised. “You might be the first person to actually say that to me,” he said. “I won’t complain, though.”

“Consider it your birthday present from me,” Virgil said with a laugh. “A free pass to ramble.”

Logan laughed in response to that, and Virgil’s heart warmed.

#we'll carry on #sanders sides fanfiction #virgil sanders #patton sanders #logan sanders #emile picani #remy sanders #our creations #danger gays

17 notes · View notes

bipolarneon · 4 years

Text

get to know neon

thanks to @phoenix-rising-and-falling for giving me the template.

General

Type 1 or type 2? I don’t know. Those who diagnosed me didn’t tell me, so. I don’t really care, anyway, as long as we know what’s going on in my brain.

Self-dx or professional dx? Professionally. I wanted this. I wanted a professional diagnosis for what was going on with me. And after a month in a psych ward I got it. The reasons are multiple and stem from feelings of powerlessness, to fear of the unknown, to exceptionality and omnipotence. A lot to unpack here, huh?

Are you currently hypo/manic, depressed, mixed, stable, or not sure? Depressed (slowly coming out of a mixed episode state.)

Do you have any other mental illnesses/disorders? Borderline Personality Disorder (self-diagnosed.) The actual diagnosis says Personality Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, in the future months tests will be run on me to determine which disorder it actually is but I personally suspect BPD.

When did you first start having symptoms? I didn’t know they were symptoms back in the day. I recently had suicidal tendencies and bad self-harming and risky impulsive behaviour in various areas of life, plus I was delusional on a specific situation/individual, so I ended up hospitalized for my own safety. In the hospital, I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder because I told them about those times I was staying up till 5am reading and writing articles, those full months I could go on with 2 hours of sleeping maximum, those situations where I was feeling incredibly elated and omnipotent in saving the world, those times I tried to run away from home without documents and came home the same evening to go to martial art training, those times I was speaking so fast anyone could understand me or pacing everywhere because I couldn’t stay still. Don’t know. I told them a bunch of stuff and they did their job. Looking back, the bipolar disorder diagnosis fits.

When did you realize/learn that you have bipolar? Um, a few weeks ago. I was strangely relieved.

Have you ever received a misdiagnosis? No.

How self-aware are you on a scale of 1-10? I thought I was the most self-aware person on the Planet, turns out it may not be exactly the case ‘cause in the past I didn’t recognized any symptom and right now I don’t know, I’m still only depressed, have yet to change state. Still, I think I’m pretty aware on my mental schemes and processes overall.

How many people know about your bipolar disorder? My medical team, my family, the only one friend I have, you guys on Tumblr.

Are any of your family members bipolar? No.

Name three fictional characters you relate to and/or headcanon as bipolar. First and foremost, I relate to Rue Bennet who is actually bipolar, so. Then, since he is my totem character and the very reason of my existence, I headcanon Anakin Skywalker as bipolar, beside the many disorders I already headcanon him to have.

Hypo/mania

When hypo/manic, do you get euphoric, dysphoric, angry, creative, social, or several of the above? I think several of the above but I’m not sure, I don’t remember entirely my hypomanic states since they happened years ago. Also, I think it was always hypomania, I never reached full mania yet.

What has been your longest hypo/manic episode? I can’t exactly count since it happened years ago and I wasn’t aware of being bipolar at the time, but I think it’s been years with bouts of depression and some shorter fits of stronger hypomania.

Have you ever had a psychotic episode? What symptoms did it include? Yes, I did. I was hospitalized after a mixed episode with psychotic features. I had delusions regarding one particular person, but I’m stopping here, this is too much.

What kind of impulsive decisions have you made? Run away from home without documents or money, a lot of stuff involving homemade activism, climbed rocks that should not have been climbed, had sex with many guys randomly, drank a lot in order to feel bad and miserable, etc.

What’s the most money you’ve spent in a single day while hypo/manic? This is gonna sound weird but it never happened to me. I never went on a spending spree. Mostly because I have no money with me when I go out. It happened with food, though. That maybe I had already eaten but I took an entire new dish without knowing or understanding why I did it.

What’s the longest you’ve gone without sleep? I genuinely don’t remember. Surely I was able to go on for looong time (like entire years) sleeping only 2-3 hours per night.

Are you a creative type? Have you ever made a poem/song/other artwork about being bipolar? NOT YET. BUT I WILL. (I’ve made those stupid drawings I posted on the blog though.)

Depression

When depressed, do you get suicidal, bored, anxious, guilty, or several of the above? I’d say all of the above, but mostly suicidal, guilty and anxious.

What has been your longest depressive episode? Three years, I think.

How do you cope with depression? I don’t. I don’t even want to. I want to feel bad, I want to feel all the pain in the world, so go figure (this doesn’t mean I’m anti-recovery, just that my mental illness wants me to be.)

Are you a sleep-all-day depressive or an insomniac depressive? Do you overeat or lose your appetite? Insomniac. And my appetite hasn’t changed much.

When is the last time you cried or had a breakdown? Like- ten seconds ago? I’m very emotional nowadays.

Have you ever self-harmed? Yes. I cut myself, burnt myself, scratched myself, stopped taking meds…

Have you had problems with substance abuse? Alcohol and marijuana have been a thing and regular cigarettes too.

Have you ever attended AA/NA/etc? No.

Have you ever attempted suicide? No. I have a duty in this world and as long as that duty lives on, I live on. But I have dreamt of dying so much it feels reality by now.

Have you ever written a suicide note? Not quite. It was the note I left when I ran away from home. I wasn’t a suicide letter but somehow it sounded like one.

Other symptoms and Treatment

Do you ever dissociate? It happened. It’s not so frequent but it happened. Not exactly sure I do it in the most severe way possible but still, I do.

Do you ever have hallucinations? If so, what are they? No. I had this sort of slight auditory hallucination where I was hearing my own voice telling me bad things over and over, but it wasn’t a full-blown hallucination.

Do you see a therapist? Do you feel like it’s helping? I’m seeing a therapist and yes, it’s helping. I’ve been seeing them since I was 15, and as I already wrote somewhere, without them I would be probably dead or in a cult.

Are you on any medications? Do you feel like they’re helping? Yes, I am. I don’t know if they’re helping or not, but generally think they don’t. They merely keep you slowed down enough to stop your scariest impulses.

Have you ever been hospitalized? Yes, I’ve been hospitalized for one month. It’s been nightmare to me, it felt like a prison. But I made through this and now I feel it helped me, somehow. Gave me more skills in my fight against mental illness.

Have you ever attended group therapy? No.

Have any of your symptoms gotten worse over the years? I didn’t have a diagnosis a year ago but sure as hell I was in a better shape than I am now, so we definitely can say I got worse over the years.

Have any of your symptoms gotten better over the years? No, that didn’t happen but in the end I’ve just been diagnosed, it’s a bit early to say.

Do you have a favorite coping method? I don’t have a favourite coping method because I don’t cope, I dive in the pain, I dive in the suffering and in the bleakness. I dive right in and hope to drown.

If you could choose to be neurotypical, would you? This is a tricky one. I’m expected to answer ‘yes,’ but I think I’ll answer ‘no.’ Who would I be without my mental illness? Without my problematicity? Without my pain? No one. So, no. I’d rather struggle the rest of my life but cling to the broken identity I have than be neurotypical but essentially no one (reminder that this works for me and my flawed brain, I’m not saying neurotypical people are shit.)

#personal #ask meme #bipolar disorder #actually bipolar #bpd #actually bpd #suicide #intrusive thoughts #self harm #dissociation #triggers

4 notes · View notes

infinitehearts · 6 years

Text

i’ve got you now

warnings: some mentions of depression, disassociation, and anxiety, both heavy and light

word count: 1862

a/n: i want to thank both my lovely bing partners @chickenstrips-fuckem and @amberultramarine for their contributions to this piece! the prompts were garden and compare (and maybe a lil slice of life too)!

find the art for this fic here!

|read on ao3|

The apartment was always a haven. A haven from his thoughts, a haven from the people, and the place where, no matter what it offered shelter from, always left him feeling far more trapped as the years passed by.

St. Petersburg hadn’t changed since he’d been gone, except in one way, far more significant to Viktor than to anyone else around.

Yuuri had come back with him, and suddenly things were different.

They curled up on the couch together, ate together, trained together. Slept in the same bed when it was cold and slept in the floor together when the short summer months proved that buildings built for Nordic temperatures truly were uncomfortable if the outside temperature was anything warmer than balmy. On the outside, they couldn’t be anything but happy.

On the inside, Viktor still felt less than whole.

He had long assumed it was just how everyone felt.

“Let me tell you a story, lapochka.”

It’d been a long day at the rink, but nothing would ever stop Yuuri from taking the time they had at home to be with Viktor, on both good days and bad. Even if they didn’t have the time, Yuuri would always carve it out, even when sleep was far more important.

They’d made a lot of progress in learning to open up back in Hasetsu, and it would be a waste to stop meeting in the middle now.

“Anything for you, Vitya.”

The name still felt strange on his tongue. Some days, he still used Viktor, and he could see the impact it had on his fiancé’s mood. Given names were intimate in Japan, just like diminutives here. One day, they’d be well and truly over the culture shock, and they’d exist in a bubble all their own. For now, though, putting in the effort to try was enough.

He wondered what made this a story, rather than just something, like anything else they’d ever talked about. But Yuuri wasn’t going to question, just listen.

“There was a boy who had a garden in his head, and for a while, flowers grew abundant. There was nothing in the world that he’d loved more than that garden, the one only he could grow.

He surrounded himself in beauty. White roses, blue roses, and so many more. Daisies and carnations, gerbera and hawthorn. The more he worked, the more the flowers grew. It wasn’t long before the flowers in his garden were the most beautiful of all.

Such a peak didn’t last long. Soon enough, the roses fell off their bushes and left thorns in their wake. Bright yellow buttercups kept piling up, but at the cost of so many other flowers. Then the thistles sprouted, and the flowers grew dull. How could they be beautiful when they had no room to grow? He pulled as many weeds as he could, but for every one he took out, two more grew.

He’d clawed his way to the top of the podium, to shiny gold medals and the prize money that went with them. Life went on the back burner to skating. No one else could have gotten there so quickly. He’d already won, so what was there to achieve?

Life came back with so many stipulations. To keep winning, to keep being the star that was expected. He’d always known that there would be some people who despised him. He had never expected so many to care about the fame. It didn’t matter that he deserved better, because all that had ever mattered were the expectations.

The roses that had once been abundant were few and far between by then. It seemed that pulling the weeds would never work, for there were just too many. The thorns stood tall, buttercups replaced by bachelor buttons and begonia. He longed for his daisies back, for the blossoms that the garden had brought in the beginning, when the flowers grew perfect, day in and day out. Nothing got in the way then.

He was fool hearty. He set the garden on fire, so sure that the fire would get rid of the bad, leaving only the good. Instead, it only hurt. He knew it would, but he’d been so sure before. It was like the tables had turned all of a sudden, and when the fire went out and took all the flowers with it, he merely felt numb. There was nothing left in the garden he’d once worked so hard to save, nothing at all.

All his efforts couldn’t suddenly go to waste in his career. Maybe he was only eighteen, but he’d reached the top, and they would think that he’d already peaked if he fell. That couldn’t happen. He doubted that he could take the shame that came with it. So instead, he let go of everything else. His family. His friends. His past. The final straw had been his hair. For the longest time, it had been his piece of home in St. Petersburg. But he’d absolved to let go of everything that wasn’t skating, and so he hacked it away, crying in front of the bathroom mirror.

It didn’t make him feel any better.

But his feelings didn’t matter in the first place. They wanted Viktor Nikiforov, media darling, so that was who he became.

The only thing left in his life besides skating was Makkachin. He’d long decided it would be cruel to get rid of her. (The only question was if he’d decided it was cruel to do to her, or if it were cruel to do to himself.) Even so, he only grew hollow, not happy.

For a long time, nothing changed. The weeds grew back, but the flowers kept dying. They never bloomed, and the foliage only grew small, before the weeds blocked out the sun, stole the water, and they wilted away again.

He grew used to seeing nothing but brambles, to being weak to the whims of the weeds. But someone else came to tend to the garden of weeds. After just once, slowly, the flowers started to return. Days didn’t get better all at once, but flower buds grew. Grass returned to cover what had long become just dirt. Such a small thing made the sight hurt again, but he didn’t mind. Because now, occasionally, there was a flower waiting for him, a small reminder of what beauty there used to be.

Yuuri Katsuki fell into his life like a thunderstorm. He knew Yuuri was drunk at the banquet, but he no longer had remembered how nice it felt to be treated like a person instead of a thing. His admiration had been on Viktor the person, who skated, rather than Viktor who skated, and was probably a person.

Not saying something more then was his biggest regret. He hadn’t realized how much he’d hurt himself until he knew something good again, and then he’d let Yuuri leave Sochi without even trying to make a real connection, making daft assumptions about the night before. That banquet was the only thing that had brought him back to the point of sanity.

He’d made plenty of mistakes, but this wasn’t going to be another one. Instead of staying still, he stepped towards the helper, rather than away. The garden was far too much to maintain alone.

This time, things were going to be right. The weeds would finally give way to the flowers again.

For the longest time, the changes were small, barely noticeable. And then they hit him all at once. His precious blue roses were back, among all the weeds. Every day, he found something more in the garden, and that the weeds were disappearing entirely. Daisies and daffodils took root first, followed by pink zinnias and dark pink roses.

His garden was growing beautiful, all thanks to a little extra help. Sometimes there were still a few weeds that grew up into his flowers. But just a few were far easier to pull than an entire garden of weeds was.

Hasetsu did wonders, even if he didn’t notice it. Viktor had been surrounded by people who saw him, rather than his façade.

Coaching Yuuri through the Grand Prix had brought back a love he though had been lost forever, as well as built something new entirely.

Life and love were gone for so long that he hadn’t realized how much he missed them.

But Yuuri, he couldn’t be oblivious to Yuuri. After all, Yuuri met him halfway, which didn’t seem important until you looked how far gone Viktor had been. In comparison, the things that he’d done for Yuuri seemed like they could never be enough.

Barcelona had been it though.

The ring on his finger had made him feel almost completely whole again.

The boy realized then that his garden was still beautiful, even if it wasn’t perfect anymore. He could love it anyway, and he could work on it until it was everything he wanted it to be.”

“Is that really all of it?”

Yuuri found himself feeling lost. For something so big, Viktor had made it sound so insignifigant. His mind and happiness deserved more… everything, really. More attention, more signifigance, more help. Anything so that Viktor had more good days than bad.

“That’s it.”

“Vitya, you know it didn’t have to be a metaphor made to sound so small that you used to tell me you were hurting, right? We meet each other halfway. I’ll never love you any less because you’re depressed or dissociative or even if you lose your mind.”

It couldn’t be helped that he pulled Viktor close then, stretching to wrap around him. After all, Yuuri knew just how comforting it could be to let yourself get taken care of for a little while. It was only difficult for a moment, before Viktor slumped into the embrace.

“It’s still hard for me to open up. It’s been a while. It seemed… easier, this way.”

“You should take your own advice. Mental illness isn’t shameful, remember?”

“Ah, I do say that a lot, don’t I, solynshko?”

They stay there, on the couch, for what feels like hours. It’s quiet throughout the apartment, with only Makkachin’s tail beating on the hardwood making any noise at all.

“Thank you, for telling me.”

Viktor’s heart soars. All his worries aren’t gone, per say, but he feels far less empty than he did before. Maybe he needs to start allowing himself his own mental health days, like he allows Yuuri. He should. Okasan made him stay in bed when he was at his worst, back in Hasetsu. Perhaps she knew, without so many words.

One day, he’ll reunite with his family, and he’s sure they’ll love Yuuri as much as he loves Yuuri’s family. That’s still a way to go. For now, Viktor settles for small victories.

Like telling Yuuri.

And now, getting up to help make supper.

“Sit back down, Viktor. I’ve got it tonight. You deserve to be treated sometimes too.”

His lips curl into a real smile as he sits down and curls up again.

What did he do to deserve someone so wonderful as Yuuri?

#liveloveyoibang #bing 1 #viktuuri #victuuri #yuri on ice #yuri on ice fanfiction #yuuri katsuki #viktor nikiforov

35 notes · View notes

andthebeanstalk · 3 years

Text

(Just journal posting don't mind me)

WELL. I have managed to hurt my sister's feelings and also piss her off! Because SOMEONE (me) had SUCH AN INTENSE TRAUMA REACTION to her offering to help me with something that I absolutely lashed out for no reason. At least from her perspective, which, really probably is the most accurate one since I completely dissociated and nearly landed my ass back in the hospital by almost having a fourth flashback a FOURTH day in a row. But I avoided it. But not before saying some very angry shit via text that I will have to take responsibility for when I am able to read our conversation without having another flashback.

Like. Literally no one has fucked up here but me. I don't think. And I am going to apologize properly and try to understand how I fucked up and it is also probably a good idea to continue not communicating with her while escalated unless it is life or death. But also lord knows suicidal Jack would die before losing relationship points with someone so I am Trying not to become suicidal Jack again cause I actually really want to live! Imagine That Shit???

Anyway, I WILL strive to repair what I've done, but damn fuCK ME I do not WANT to admit I fucked up.

Shoutout to my dear friend Perry, who was awoken yesterday to me having some kind of mixed panic attack/flashback/meltdown on the phone, at which point I began screaming directly into their ear. Just unintelligible mom-discovering-her-dead-daughter-in-Hereditary SHRIEKING. Oh man, y'all, I hurt myself and by doing so scared the shit out of my dog and partner and Perry and NOW I've been a dick to my sister, who, again, was literally just trying to help me.

I don't know what to do about this shit. Like, I hadn't flashed back for many weeks. I hadn't had a screaming flashback/meltdown in over a year. And those have only happened maybe a dozen times in my adult life. This is not a normal occurrence, and I think maybe only 3 people have ever seen it. My parents haven't even seen it.

And I hadn't self-harmed in SO long! And here i am next day treating the throat I injured. Oh man, y'all, I fucked up so bad there. Turns out my girl does NOT appreciate me self-harming AND screaming like that counts as self-harm. Who'da thunk it? Upsetting her was much worse than the other side effects of the screaming or really the flashback as a whole. I'm glad she stopped me before I could really shred my vocal chords. And before, presumably, the police showed up. I have since apologized profusely to all loved ones involved except for this latest one of my sister because of COURSE I pissed her off. Of COURSE I did.

Clearly I have to process this trauma so I can make sure I don't continue upsetting and hurting people through my uncontrolled trauma reactions - I'm not Dean Winchester, thanks - but like, in the meantime, I don't know what to do about the triggering event that is coming up - namely, my SSDI trial. Like, it is bad bad shit the way it has been triggering me. It is an unholy mishmash of triggers from failing to convict my rapist to medical trauma to that time my mom made it worse through her involvement, and I could really use this money. Boy, I could use this money. But also, at what. Cost. Exactly?

The small brightsides here are

1. These are the first flashbacks I have ever had in which I was able to discern I was having a flashback WHILE they were happening - I don't have visual flashes so it took me a while to recognize them since they don't look like the ones in movies, and

2. Food for thought regarding the way my OCs nearly destroy their relationship through their conflicting trauma reactions.

#diary #original #i can't go back into IOP! i am moving in a month! and also!#iop may have saved my life but that doesnt mean it wasnt #the mental health equivalent of chemotherapy #idk if that is insensitive but i came fuckin close to dying and the ptsd would've killed me just as dead as any other deadly illness

0 notes

demonsonthemoon · 6 years

Text

We Shall Rule - Chapter 13

Fandom: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Marvel Comics Pairings: Platonic Bucky Barnes & Clint Barton, background Kate Bishop/America Chavez Word Count: 4270 Note: this is the last chapter, only a small epilogue left. Happy #AggressivelyArospecWeek.

Also available on AO3.

Bucky found himself standing in front of Clint's apartment building. In the rain, because the universe hated him. He pressed the doorbell for the third time. He knew the intercom was broken from the last time he had come here, which was why he had sent Clint a text telling him he was on his way. Clint could have replied that he wasn't home, but he hadn't, which Bucky had taken as a sign that he was actually at his flat even though unwilling to reply.

He was about to press the button a fourth time when he heard a voice calling his name.

He took a step back and looked up, and recognised Kate looking down at him from the window of Clint's kitchen.

“I'm sorry,” Kate shouted. “He says he wants you to leave. And to stop ringing the doorbell because he's hungover as fuck and it's making his headache worse.” She turned back towards the inside of the flat for a second. “He's also telling me not to shout so loudly but since he's making me talk to you from here because he's too grumpy to deal with his feelings, I don't care.” She turned around again. “He just took out his hearing aids. What a child.”

Bucky was craning his neck and feeling quite in awe of Kate's energy even as her long black hair started gathering rain. Though that did not help him come up with a response, especially as Kate leaned against the window ledge, making herself more comfortable.

“I just want to talk to him,” Bucky finally shouted back. “We had a fight yesterday and... I just want to talk to him. I want to understand and...”

“Apologize?” Kate asks, tone managing to be soft despite the fact that she was literally shouting at him.

Bucky hesitates for a second. “I'm not sure. I don't think I understand exactly what went wrong, so I don't know if I have to apologize or not.”

He saw Kate nod thoughtfully then walk back into the appartment. Bucky guessed that she couldn't just talk with Clint from the window anymore, since she would need to force him to watch her signs to make herself understood.

For two minutes, Bucky awkwardly stood there, drenched, the rainwater constantly falling into his eyes and blurring his sight. At least he felt awake now, contrary to when he had woken up from his night of bad sleep. Bucky was really hoping none of Clint's neighbours was here, because he was certain the scene was quite a sight.

Kate came back to the window, beaming. “I am literally the best at life, and you owe me. I'll buzz you in.”

Bucky let out a sigh of relief. “Thanks, Kate!”

He took the two steps to the front door and waited for the sound of the buzzer activating, quickly pushing in. His long hair was sticking uncomfortably to one side of his face and dripping everywhere, but he couldn't bring himself to care too much. Instead he quickly started the climb towards Clint's appartment.

Kate was waiting for him by the door wearing a lavender sweater and pyjama bottoms.

“Look for the huge lump on the sofa, and you'll find Clint. I'm gonna take a walk to give you some privacy, but I will be back in fifteen minutes. So don't ruin this. Don't ruin him. I will kick your ass then ask my girlfriend to kick it again.”

Bucky nodded, almost solemn. He had heard stories about America's ass-kicking. That girl could be terrifying.

Kate stopped while walking past him, putting a hand on his shoulder. “You can do this.”

And then she left, in all of her pyjama-clad glory.

Bucky stepped inside the apartment proper, softly closing the door behind him.

“Kate is a traitor,” Clint mumbled as Bucky sat down on the arm of his couch, as far away as he could from Clint.

“I just want to talk to you,” Bucky said.

There was no response from Clint, who was really not much more than a mop of blond hair and two eyes peeking out of a blanket lump.

“I'm sorry. Not about what I said. I don't...” Bucky sighed. “I don't actually know what I said wrong that made you go off like that. But I'm sorry about what happened.”

There was a moment of silence, and when Bucky didn't start talking again, Clint just said “Okay.”

He wasn't gonna make it easy, then.

“I thought I was looking out for you. I get that... that you may have felt patronized. But that wasn't my point at all.” He tried to remember Clint's exact words. You're pissed off because I didn't get defensive? “I wasn't even angry. Not really. Not at you. I was... I don't know. I felt responsible. I felt bad, that you had to deal with Peggy like that... That you had been anxious about coming, and that I had told you it would all be okay even though I was also scared, and then that that happened. And I was... I was hurt. I knew it wasn't about me. It wasn't my problem. But it still hurt. I don't know.”

“You stopped talking,” Clint said, still tense under his blanket.

Bucky crossed one arm over his chest, fiddling with the fabric of his shirt.

“I know. I... I get like that. Sometimes. Kind of... dissociate. Like... like everthing is distant. A step off.”

“Why?”

“Why what? Why do I dissociate? Because that's a-”

“No, no. Why did you dissociate this time. What triggered it?”

“I told you. I felt... bad.” It wasn't the word. It wasn't enough. It wasn't the good answer, and Bucky was trying, he was looking for something better to say, but he couldn't.

Clint mumbled something that he didn't catch.

“What did you say?”

“It wasn't your place. It wasn't your place, and it wasn't your problem. It wasn't your right to get hurt or angry on my behalf.”

“It's only because I care!” Bucky replied, trying to keep his voice calm even if he could feel the same panicked and defensive confusion he had experienced the night before rise up inside of him.

“I'm not your futzing responsibility.” Clint said, looking straight ahead of him and not at Bucky.

“You're my friend!” Bucky's voice wavered a bit. “We're... close. I... This is not about me feeling like I own any part of you, this isn't about propriety. I care about you. Of course I don't want you to feel hurt. Or invaded. I can't choose not to care about that.”

“I wasn't hurt!” Clint said, raising his voice a little and pulling the blanket off his face. “You were. That's always what happens. I try to deal with my own futzing problems, but other people still get hurt. I let them get close, and they get hurt. You wouldn't have thought twice about Peggy's comments before meeting me, and now they caused you to fucking dissociate at a dinner table.”

What... Bucky had trouble following Clint's train of thought and his changes in emotions.

“That's not... That's not your fault! I might not have reacted to what Peggy said before meeting you, sure. I probably wouldn't have. That doesn't mean it wasn't fucked up. That doesn't mean I regret that you opened my eyes about that. Sure, I could have lived unaware of how bullshit it is to think that every important relationship is romantic. Maybe that would have been easier! I don't know. Maybe I wouldn't ever have realised it on my own, or maybe I would have. But I don't regret it. How is anything going to change if everyone chooses to keep their head in the ground?”

“Change?” Clint asked, incredulous. “Who said anything about change? I'm not here to change the futzing world. I just want to live my life. That's literally all I'm asking for.”

“You...” Bucky felt slow. Had it always been this difficult to understand people? Was it just more difficult now? Or was it just because he hadn't tried to make new connections in so long, not connections that really mattered, nothing on the level of what he had with Steve? “You say you don't want people to get hurt. You say you don't want me to get hurt. But what about you? Why do you make it sound like it's so selfish for me to care about what people say to you? How is it any different? Why should you get hurt instead of me?”

“I wasn't hurt. I told you I wasn't hurt.”

“Maybe not yesterday!” Bucky said, raising his voice and gesturing with his hands. “You tell me you didn't care about what Peggy said, and fine, I'll take your word for it. But you must have been hurt before. At some point. You must have been angry at some point.”

“You want to know the truth?” Clint asked, finally lowering the blanket to his hips and turning to face Bucky. “For real? Well I am angry. I'm angry all the freaking time. I've been angry for years and it hasn't gotten me anywhere except for the hospital. You think I let people say anything they want because I don't have any self-respect or something? That's not fucking it. The truth is, I respect myself enough not to let my anger become one more thing people can hate about me.”

“That's...”

“No, let me finish. I've been at this for years. Trying to have people see something in me that's not just me being deaf, me being an orphan, me being a way to make money or the weird queer who wants to spend his life alone. I don't want to ruin all I've built to become the angry guy. That's no trade at all. You know why we call pride a fucking celebration? Because nobody likes an angry queer. That's why we show up with glitters and feathers, and not political slogans. Because if we did people might realise they still hate us just enough to beat us with a stick. So all of this anger, this hurt as you call it? It's mine. I've fought to keep it. You don't get to take it away.”

Bucky felt like it was pointless to argue this point. He could repeat endlessly that pain wasn't meant to be carried alone, that this is what friends were for, but he didn't think it would have any effect.

“What if I've got anger of my own? Don't you think I could be angry, not just on your behalf but because the world is generally unfair? Or do you have a monopoly on all the anger in the world?”

“That's not...”

“I don't know, Clint. I get that I fucked up. That I didn't communicate properly, or whatever. But this shit is hard for me. You're the first person I actually tried to get close to since... since I joined the army and nearly got myself killed. So sometimes I don't know how to say things. That's just the way it is. But I've been trying to fix things for the last ten minutes, and Kate promised to kick my ass in five, so just... I don't know. I want to know if you want to fix this too.”

“Fuck.” Clint lowered his head, putting his hands over it. “Fuck. I didn't mean for it to get this way.” He looked up. “You've got to believe me, Bucky. I didn't mean for it to get this way. I know it's stupid. I know it doesn't make sense for me to be this...” He sighed.

Bucky wanted to reach out, to run a hand through his hair like he used to do to Steve when he still had long hair, when he was too sick to go to school and ashamed that Bucky had to bring him his notes.

And then he did. He reached out towards Clint. He put a hand over the bunched up blanket on his knees and started playing with the fabric, his touch there but also easy to brush away.

“It's easier not to let people in.” Clint ended up admitting. “If I fuck up- When I fuck up, at least it's done, then. People leave, and I don't have to worry about hurting them anymore. I don't have to worry about not being enough, about holding them back. They're gone, and they're free, and I'm back at dealing with myself again. I've gotten good at that. Dealing with myself. Or at least decent enough.”

“Why would I want to leave? We had one fight. We misunderstood each other and had one fight. Do you know how many fights I've had with Steve? There were weeks when it felt like fighting was all we were doing.”

“Because I'm not enough. Because I'm never enough. It's really pathetic, Bucky, but I'm one of those people that are made to be left behind.”

The worst thing wasn't the words he had just said, though those were bad enough. No, for Bucky, the worst thing was that Clint smiled as he said them.

“That's bullshit,” a voice interrupted.

Clint and Bucky turned over the back of the couch to stare at Kate, who was drinking some kind of frappuccino, letting her hair drip all over the floor, and looking unimpressed.

“That's futzing bullshit and you would know it if you opened your eyes for one futzing second.” She had a way of seeming collected and threatening all at once that made Bucky feel awed. “I'm here. I've been here for years. I've dealt with everything there was to deal with, I've seen you at some serious lows, dude.” She took a sip of her drink. “And I'm still here. So stop the bullshit about being made to be left behind. It's just that people are too dumb to see through your game when you try to push them away.”

“You can't just call everyone dumb for realising I'm an asshole and trying to find something better!”

“Sure I can,” Kate replied vindicatively. “Because you're not an asshole.”

“You call me that all the time!” Clint protested.

Bucky was starting to feel like a third wheel in the argument, but at the same time he was grateful that Kate had managed to pull Clint out of his coldness. An angry Clint seemed somehow more natural than one pretending he didn't feel anything.

“I call you that when you're being an asshole. But you're not one in, like, your insides. Fundamentally. Whatever. You're actually a genuinely decent person. You let me squat your flat and even keep cereals stocked in a cupboard for me. You bought a building just so your neighbours wouldn't be evicted. Hell, even Lucky is a stray you picked up when anyone else would have left him to die!”

“That's nothing.”

“It's not futzing nothing, Clint! You do all these things, you always try to be such a good person! And then you fuck up. Sure! You've fucked up a few times, maybe even a lot of times. Newsflash. Everyone does. But at least you try to be something else than your fuck ups. At least you try to get back up. Some people would just wallow in their fucked-upness, and not even try anything else. You don't.”

“That's a low bar you're setting.”

Kate groaned, running a hand through her hair and clenching her fist. “You know what's the one thing I can't stand about you? It's this. It's this pushing-people-away thing. Because you don't actually want people to leave. You try to convince yourself that you do, but you don't, not really. It's all some kind of stupid self-punishment. You think you've done something bad, so you think you deserve to be left alone, and so you force people to leave. But you're punishing them, not you. You're burning bridges and telling them it's so they won't have to do it themselves. But you're not letting them decide for themselves if they actually want to cross the futzing river or not. And that's what I call being an asshole.”

Clint drew his knees up and hugged them to himself, clearly feeling the edge of truth in Kate's words and not liking it. There was a small silence as she took her breath back and Bucky started fidgeting a bit, unsure if he was supposed to leave or not.

Before he could make any decisive movement, though, she stopped him. “I'm not done. Because god help me for once I have a chance to stop this before it all goes to shit. This one-” She pointed at Bucky with her index finger. “You keep. I don't care what happened last night. If he's here right now he clearly wants to stay, so as long as he does, you keep him. Non-negotiable.”

“That's not how this work, Kate,” Clint replied.

“Did I futzing stutter?”

Bucky couldn't help but smile. Kate Bishop was truly a hurricane of a human, a force of nature to be reckoned with. He was glad that Clint had her in his life. He also wondered what would happen were she ever to meet Steve, and decided that this was a dangerous path to tread.

When there was no more response from Clint, Kate nodded to herself. “Okay. Good. Now. I can see you still haven't finished your heart-to-heart, so I'll give you some more time because I am very generous.”

“This isn't even your flat, we don't need your permission to-”

Kate ignored her friend and went on. “But before that, I'm going to get dressed. Because while I can rock the just-out-of-bed-haven't-changed-yet look to go to the local coffee shop, I am now drenched and would appreciate not to catch pneumonia.” And with that she left the room and went inside Clint's bedroom, droplets of water from her hair trailing behind her.

“So,” Bucky started, wanting to break the silence but not actually knowing what to say.

Clint sighed. “So.”

“I don't want to leave.”

Clint let his head drop to the back of the couch, covering his eyes with one hand. “Fuck.”

Bucky didn't quite know what to say to that.

“Maybe I believe you,” Clint finally continued. “That you don't want to leave. But that doesn't mean you won't. It doesn't mean you won't find something else. Something that's actually good for you, instead of my bullshit. And then... well. How could I blame you, right?”

“By something, you mean someone, right?”

Clint chuckled darkly. “Yeah. That's usually how it goes.”

“I can't promise anything,” Bucky said, and the words felt bitter and wrong in his mouth. Not enough, but true. “Obviously I can't promise that I won't ever leave you. But I don't want to. And I'm not looking to replace you. Us. Anything. I like you. And I like what we've got. And I want to keep it. Whatever happens in the future, you've got to believe that that's true now. And that I want it to stay true.”

He raised his hand off Clint's knee and pulled it back to himself, giving the other man more space as he prepared his question.

“Has it happened often? People leaving you?”

Clint took his time to respond. “A few times. Enough times.”

“What happened?”

The question was vague. Vague enough to let Clint choose how many details he was willing to give away. Vague enough for him to say nothing, if he really believed that Bucky was out of line once again.

“They all left. Some because they'd found a girlfriend, or a boyfriend. Others because I just wasn't enough. Because I was too much work. Most of them because I ended up pushing them away. Because they felt too close and too important and it felt wrong and I was scared and I thought I would ruin them. Because if they were gonna leave anyway, it might as well be before any of us got too involved. It might as well be while we still have a chance not to be hurt by it.”

“If your goal was not to get hurt, you did a pretty poor job of it.”

Clint started laughing, before the sound turned into a sob. “Didn't I?”

There was no denying it, not when Bucky had found him hidden under a blanket and refusing to open the door, not when Bucky had seen the worry in Kate's eyes.

“That's what I'm saying, you know?” Clint was rubbing at his eyes, as if he could dry them before the tears had even fallen. “I fuck up. I always fuck up. I can barely deal with my own shit, why would anyone take it upon themselves to care about it too?”

“I ask myself the same thing all the time,” Bucky replied. Thoughtlessly, he started rubbing his thumb against the wrist joint of his prosthesis. “I...” He hesitated, but, fuck, if they were having a heart-to-heart, might as well go all the way. “I'm a burden for Steve. I mean, objectively speaking. He would kick my ass if he knew I had said that. And then he would apologize for it. But objectively speaking... I can't work. I don't really have any hobby. I just hang around the flat, cleaning stuff and cooking, and let him invite me to hang-outs with his other friends. I get... benefits. For my time in the army and the injury. But it's not much. A lot of it goes into therapy. So yeah.”

Clint was looking at him now, obviously sorry though nice enough not to actually say it out loud. Bucky hated when people apologized for something that had nothing to do with them. He knew they were trying to be nice, but he couldn't help feeling pissed off by it. Even if it was true, even if people really were sorry, it felt wrong to say.

“Objectively speaking, I'm useless. But that doesn't mean anything, to Steve. He keeps telling me that it doesn't mean anything. And obviously it was hard at first. I didn't... I didn't want to rely on someone. But I couldn't not, you know? And some bad stuff had happened between us after I'd left for the army, but he forgave me. I was here, broken, unwilling to be helped, ruining his life, and the first thing he did was forgive me.”

Bucky stayed quiet for a few seconds, gathering his thoughts. It was still difficult to look back on that time when he barely talked, barely got out of bed. Realising that he was a stranger to his family, that his best friend was a stranger to him. But Steve had forced him to get up. He had dragged Bucky kicking and screaming into his life.

“What I mean to say is... That's not how it works. Friendship. Relationships. Anything. People who love you, they don't care if you're objectively good for them or not. The only thing that matters is that they do love you, even if you don't know why and even if they don't know why, and that's good enough. You can't really do anything about the fact that you love someone. Pushing people away for no good reason won't help you or them. It will just hurt everyone.”

Clint sighed, body relaxing slightly. “Yeah. Okay.”

“Okay?” Bucky asked, surprised. He hadn't believed it would be as easy as that. Words had this way of never being enough, usually. He'd talked for days with his therapist now, and it never felt like it was enough. Even the things that rung like the purest truth in one moment would lose their meaning the next second.

“Okay. I'm not... I'm like you. I won't make promises I can't keep. So I won't promise I'm never going to pull this shit again.” He chuckled darkly. “I'm probably gonna pull this shit again at some point. But... you should call me out on it. And I'll try to be better.”

“Okay.”

“Okay. Shit.” Clint let out a short laugh. “We're like the futzing Fault in our Stars. I can't believe this.”

Bucky smiled too. “So I'm forgiven?”

Clint shrugged. “I don't think I ever had a good reason to be mad at you. Just... oh god this is gonna sound so weird. Sorry. Just tell me if you ever fall in love with someone? That's... That's the main reason people end up leaving.”

“Okay,” Bucky said. “I'll do that. I'm not... I'm not looking, if that's something you're worried about. It's not really something that's been on my mind at all these past few months.”

“Cool. That's good.” There was a slight pause. “I mean, if you're okay with it. It's not... it's good for me but only if it's not bothering you. I didn't mean...”

Bucky couldn't help but smile. “It's fine, Clint. I'm fine. I'm okay. I don't miss it. I've got you right now, I've got Steve. I have friends. That's enough. It's good.”

“Okay.”

They leaned towards each other then, resting their foreheads against the other's.

And maybe Kate snapped a picture on her phone after silently creeping back into the living-room.

Maybe.

#AggressivelyArospecWeek #Meeni writes fics #Fic: We Shall Rule #Winterhawk #Marvel

1 note · View note

keepingcalmisoverratedgoddamnit · 6 years

Text

Long post is looooong...

Ok, settle in or scroll past now because it’s time for a little #georgia speaks post. I’ve been a bit patchy about blogging about my therapy sessions so it’s about time I make a post. And a word of warning, today was mammoth so this will be long and may have triggers for some people.

I had therapy today on less than three hours sleep. I’m also babysitting as I write this so the kids are in the next room playing with duplo. So let’s start with the sleep thing. I have insomnia. Sometimes it’s pretty bad. Last night I didn’t sleep at all, I kinda drifted off around 5:30-6am ish and was awake again before 8. I did stay in bed till nearly 9am though. Then I dragged myself up and out of the house for my first 4ks since shark week started. Another miracle right after the whole “I got out of bed” kerfuffle that earned me my first gold star. I ran despite not wanting to, I wanted it desperately as well. I did not take the three shortcuts along the way there or back.

I actually took care of myself before therapy. I took a long shower, and in there I scrubbed with an exfoliating cloth, I washed my hair twice and conditioned it.

Then I babysat and helped the kids make valentines for their mums.

Then I headed off to therapy at top speed. Today, therapy was exceptionally hard. I have never voiced my body insecurities out loud. Never admitted to anyone how viscerally I hate it at times. Never told anyone how guilty eating too much food makes me feel. Or the cruel things I think of myself when I’ve eaten too much or missed a run or gain a little weight. Today I wrote it down. I couldn’t speak. It was as though this creature that is my anxiety had crawled into my mouth and down my throat. Spreading out its filth in its many talons arms to suffocate me. Filling my lungs and squashing my breath. I wrote it out. And Suraj said how proud he was. How brave I was. But I couldn’t hear over the roaring in my ears. I couldn’t look at him. I felt so small and weak and wretched. I was twisted up and so anxious I could hardly work out up from down.

But, I put on my blue and green flannel and I counted the stitches in the cuff and twisted the soft, over-worn fabric in my fingers and I settled a bit.

We worked on describing the feeling I get when I can’t give voice to the thoughts. We localized it. And by doing so made it smaller. Metaphors and imagery seemed to help.

We went deeper into writing out something called a schema. It’s sort of like separating my personality and my mental habits into different personas. Like the Sanders Sides but more deranged.

We went 10 minuets over time. A big deal for Suraj. He’s always on time.

Like I said. Rough session.

Then straight from there I got an Uber with money I don’t really have and went to a house inspection with my sister and my niece and nephew. Then to my other sisters house for lunch and to pick my other nephew up from school. And last we headed back home where my sister left for work and I took on the three kids. An hour and a half in the pool and afternoon tea while they watched Aladdin seemed to tire them out a bit. Then one of my sister came to pick up her boys (my nephews) leaving me with just my niece. Which of course meant time for more craft so she could have a Valentine for her mum AND her grandma of course. Much glue and glitter and stickers later she was back on the floor in the lounge room eating dinner and watching the end of Aladdin.

She’s finally in bed now and I am dead on my feet. I choked down a salad for dinner cause it’s Ash Wednesday which means fasting and abstinence (though there are exemptions for medical conditions like me and mum).

I’m so tired I feel sick but I know if I lie down I won’t be able to sleep. My mind won’t seem to settle. I need to do some mindfulness and re-centre myself or I’m going to start dissociating which would suck since I know how to prevent it.

Anyway, long post is long and mostly just drivel. There’s no message. No advice aside from, use sensory tools to avert panic and moderate anxiety. I know it sounds trite but the truth is that it works. It’s not always a magic fix but it helps every time. Aside from that this was just a way of emptying my head of the whole day and helping to re-centre myself a little so I’ll leave it here.

Sorry about how long it turned out but I literally did not edit a word of this. I just vomited it out onto the page verbatim for what’s in my head. Yeah, excuse my sleep deprived lack of grammar too.

#georgia speaks #anxiety #eating disorder #self talk #no #im not putting it here #im not ready to do that #it was hard enough letting suraj see #suraj is a mean mean man #but a fucking good therapist #he deserves a gold star #he was amazing today #panic #sensory tools #and again #sorry this is so damn long #but yeah #it needed to be out of my head #so this is where it went

11 notes · View notes

rinnnyxr · 3 years

Text

Depression You don't enjoy your hobbies You sleep too much/too little You don't think you matter You wish you could kill yourself You feel more sad than happy

GAD You get anxious for no reason at all You have nervous ticks (biting nails, hair touching,etc) You always have a nervous stomach You always feel like youre on the edge You get a lot of body aches

OCD ( Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) You have obsessive thoughts that you cant make go away You have a special routine and if you dont do it exactly... you will have a panic attack you have to double check things If things arent exactly how you want them you get constant anxiety and you cant stop thinking about it You have a fear of losing control

PTSD You have gone through something traumatic You get flashbacks all the time from the trauma Loud noises cause a panic attack You have night terrors (different from nightmares) You zone out/black out and relive the event

Bipolar You feel extremely sad You get extremely happy/excited You talk so fast people can't keep up You have sleep problems You are constantly thinking of death/suicide

Schizoprenia You constantly hear voices in your head You have word salad (disorganized sentences) You hallucinate You have the flat effect (no emotion/zombie like) You have laugh at the wrong times

Dissociative Identity disorder You are detached from your emotions You have amnesia of certain events/people You dont remember faces or you have a difficult time remembering You get anxious Youre suicidal

BPD- Borderline Personality disorder You take major risks Youre very sexually active (many partners) You have unstable relationships Extreme mood swings You have explosive anger

Autism (broad, there are way too many so im just gonna list to common ) You have a hard time in social surroundings (relating to people..communicat You resist change You have at least one learning disability you CANT make eye contact You cant share enjoyment with others

SAD- Seasonal affective disorder You feel more happy during the summer time Seasons changing can make you feel sad/depressed You think about death but not suicide You have insomnia You get irritated easy

Bulimia Nervosa You eat a big portion of food at once You have bad self image You eat a lot but force yourself to puke it all up You feel like you cant stop the eating / out of control You self harm

Anorexia You see yourself bigger than you actually are You enjoy the feeling of starving yourself You have extreme weight loss in very little time Your hair is falling out You have anxiety if you have to eat

ADHD You are always moving (tapping pen, shaking leg) You cant pay attention long You act before thinking You lose interest quickly Youre always talking too much/too fast

I know all the words to some of the songs from Grease I have seen a show on Broadway before I have ran up and hugged a stranger, mistaking them for someone I knew I have drooled all over my pillow before while in a deep slumber I’m listening to my favorite song right now I have/had a mood ring(s) I have an Apple Mac I have taken an art class in school before I have owned a disco ball at one time or another I can speak fluent Spanish I’ve been to a roller rink and fallen flat on my butt I can write in Japanese I have been hospitalized for more than a month before due to a terrible injury I would streak for 50 bucks I have pole danced before just for fun I have a ridiculously large purse I have ridden a camel before I love carnivals and fairs I have spent the whole day at the mall and just walked around I live/lived/visited in Germany I love to people-watch at the airport I don’t have a favorite flower I have seen the movie Love Actually I have a lot of random shit hanging on the walls of my bedroom I drink as much milk as I’m recommended to I keep my movie ticket stubs I’m going to go see a play or musical soon I have studied abroad before I don’t drink enough water I love yogurt I’m trying to lose weight I HATE my toes I’m trying to gain weight I love the show “True Life” on MTV I loathe reality TV I have taken a College Algebra math course I can count from 1-10 in two or more different languages I need to paint my toenails My internet homepage is my email provider’s page I never send e-mails anymore I have a cell phone & I don’t think it’s a piece of trash I have an iPod/MP3 player & a really kickass case for it, too I put my shoes in the dryer I still watch the Price is Right and Jeopardy I love to bargain shop I could live off of breakfast cereals I wish I could be a member of the opposite sex for one day I dislike standardized tests I hate 90s music I can’t wear watches because I have too much electricity in my body I just don’t wear watches because I think they’re ugly I text in class or at work I can’t WAIT for summer I once wore something that was 5 times too big for me in public I have been to Canada I hate it when guys leave the toilet seat up I have a really cool 6-CD changer stereo I own all the CDs from my favorite band I hate Myspace My favorite band has a “The” in front of it All I wear is band teeshirts I’m a loner I can speak another language fluently I like Dave Matthew’s Band I practically live in my pajamas when I’m at home I love mashed potatoes I have seen my favorite band in concert more than twice I love string cheese I hate The White Stripes I’m homophobic I have a certain order in which I put on my socks and shoes I’m a morning person I have a High School diploma I love Chinese take-out I think sushi is disgusting & I’ve never even tried it It’s raining right now I love listening to old-school Madonna I’m picky I’ve volunteered before in my community I’m always sore I hate back massages I give a mean back rub I’m interesed in acupuncture I love foreign food I listen to my iPod/MP3/CD player in class or in the office when I’m supposed to be paying attention or working I fall or have fallen asleep in class I would never wax my legs, even if you paid me I have tried Nair before & it hurt like hell and didn’t work I suffer from sleep apnea Someone in my family or someone I know battled cancer and won I have a shirt hanging in my closet that hasn’t been worn for over 2 years Snickers is my favorite candy bar I had an imaginary friend when I was younger I do my chores every day My favorite soda is Dr. Pepper Okay, this survey is going on for way too long I know the difference between “to”, “two”, and “too” & when is the appropriate time to use them I have/had birds I have been to Hawaii before I want to go on a Cruise I always read before going to bed I passed Geometry the first time I took it My nails are not painted I have a song stuck in my head right now I have watched at least one episode of “Friends” before Chocolate chip pancakes are pretty much the bomb I have no clue what IHOP is or stands for I’m currently avoiding someone I know morse code Facial hair hot I’ve been dehydrated before I love to run! I have a crush on someone right now & they don’t even know I exist Bolding surveys are calming I’m listening to a sad song right now I still use old-fashioned bar soap to wash myself in the shower I have an electric toothbrush I have taken professional studio photos with friends or family I have seen Steven King’s movie IT When I was younger, my friends & I always used to make up dances and perform them I think I’m going deaf I’m getting bored of this stupid survey all ready I’m an accident just waiting to happen I’m so clumsy I have licked someone else’s shoes before, for money or just because I’m always indecisive I have kickass bunny slippers I need a tissue I have watched the Disney movie Mulan before & loved it I have attended a tea party before I have seen a bear before, and it wasn’t at the zoo I have walked in on someone having sex before The drawers on my dresser don’t close all the way because they’re so full I hate my 3rd period teacher I read Manga I used to collect beanie-babies way back when I sell or buy stuff on eBay I have been to a museum before I have plans tonight I like Spongebob Captain Hook is one of my favorite Disney villains I hate the movie The Sound of Music I need to charge my phone I like elephants

[Vacation Editon]: Thailand or Hawaii Mexico or Costa Rica Santorini or Amalfi Coast Caribbean or Tahiti Yellowstone or Yosemite New York or San Francisco Paris or Barcelona Miami or Ibiza Australia or New Zealand

[Food Edition]: strawberries or blueberries iced coffee of hot coffee oatmeal or cereal hot dog or hamburger chicken or steak smoothie or milkshake potato chips or french fries ice cream or gelato

[Personal Style Edition]: sneakers or sandals jeans or leggings leather or suede neutrals or bold colors heels or flats hoodie or zip-up thigh fit or loose fit statement accessories or simple/no accessories closed-toed or open-toed blue jeans or jeggings long sleeves or short sleeves curly hair or straight hair cowboy boots or riding boots necklaces or bracelets natural nails or fake nails canvas shoes or sport shoes bun or ponytail sweat pants or leggings

[Celebrity Edition]: Kim Kardashian or Kylie Jenner P!nk or Ke$ha Emma Watson or Emma Stone Kate Middleton or Meghan Markle Megan Fox or Angelina Jolie Nicki Minaj or Cardi B David Beckham or Tom Brady Jake Gyllenhaal or Ryan Reynolds Ariana Grande or Selena Gomez Oprah or Ellen Jimmy Kimmel or Jimmy Fallon Steve Jobs or Elon Musk Kendrick Lamar or Drake Taylor Swift or Katy Perry Beyoncé or Rihanna

[Workout Habits Edition]: leggings or shorts squats or deadlifts planks or crunches treadmill or free run elliptical or Stairmaster free weights or machines Nike or Under Armour

[American Food Edition]: grilled cheese or mac&cheese french fries or onion rings potato chips or popcorn fried chicken or chicken wings pizza or sandwich pancakes or waffles pasta salad or potato salad cookies or cake apple pie or cheesecake sausage or bacon Burger King or McDonald’s Coke or Pepsi

[Candy Edition]: Reese’s Cups or Hersey kiss Sour Patch Kids or Jolly Ranchers Jelly beans or Gummy bears Baby Ruth or 3 Musketeers Almond Joy or Mounds Hersey bar or KitKat Snickers or MilkyWay Skittles or Starburst Junior Mints or York Peppermint Patty

You have an iPhone. You have a pink or blue phone case. One of your contact name starts with W, Y or Z. One of your contact is labeled, Doctor. You made a call before 7:00 am. You have your alarm set on your phone to wake you up. You have headphones with you. Your ringtone is a song. One of your recent calls was to one of your parents. You have a text saved from over a year ago. You have a selfie taken. Your screen saver is a picture. Your battery is more than half full. You have a picture of you and a guy saved. You have a video saved. You have a text saved with ‘What’s Up?’ You have at least one game downloaded. Your significant other is #1 on your speed dial. You have more than 50 photos saved on your phone. You have 1 - 5 downloaded applications. You have 5 - 10 downloaded applications. You have 10+ downloaded applications. You have at least 10 pictures of you. You have at least 30 pictures of you You have at least 20 pictures of your family. You have at least 20 pictures of your friends. You have more than 10 songs. You have more than 50 songs. You have more than 100 songs. You bought it. Your parents bought it. Your grandparents bought it. You have more than 1 phone case. You hate when people want to look through your phone. You have a few contact but not a lot. Your phone is next to you. You have a white phone case You have the latest iPhone You checked your phone before 7:00 am this morning. Your most recent call was less than 30 minutes ago. Your music collection contains a song with ‘baby’ in the title. You have Facebook installed. You have a picture with more than 4 people in it. You have a picture of you and a guy with no shirt on in your phone. You have Candy Crush installed as an application. You have a Lady Gaga song in your collection. You made a call after midnight. You have a black phone case. You have a picture of the graduate saved in your album. Your music collection, includes a song with ‘school’ in the title. You have more than 5 voicemails saved. You have YouTube as an application. You have Instagram as an application. You have Twitter as an application. You have Tumblr as an application. SnapChat is one of your applications. You have a Mike in your contact. You have a song with the word ‘money’ in the title.

1 note · View note

megbox · 6 years

Text

tumblr surveys relax meeeee i’m going to start actually counting them. we’ll call this no. 1 for convenience

When did you wake up this morning? like 730ish. laid in bed for a long time stressing about a proposal that i had to write today. Is there anything you’d rather be doing? my house is kind of quiet and lonely right now. i wish i was maybe in the company of someone else. Are you craving anything in particular? i ate sooo good today. i am satiated.

Do you feel like you need caffeine to wake up? i do need caffeine. i am ridiculously dependent. without coffee, i get wild headaches and can barely function. Have you ever owned an iPod? i have owned many iPods.

Is there something you think looks particularly good on you? sheer turtlenecks, knee socks, and a particular yellow shirt that i bought a few weeks ago. What is your favorite sweet thing to eat? probably like the icing off of a cupcake (especially if it’s cream cheese icing), or cheesecake with a cherry topping. or birthday cake-flavoured ice cream. Do you ever find yourself staring into space? i honestly never realized it but i am realllly prone to dissociating lmao and often do this and i’ll do it for a looooong time. Have you ever remembered any odd dreams? What? for a long time when i was dating my ex i was inspired by him to keep a dream journal but that kind of fizzled out. there are all kinds of weird things in there. Is there a song that you just have to dance to? yeah! by usher. Do you like the beach, or does the thought of sharks frighten you? i like the idea of the beach but in reality i don’t love the heat, i’m not a great swimmer, and i am self conscious to be in a bathing suit sooo Do you consider yourself fearless or courageous? younger me was. today me is... fearful. and courage-less. Are you a social person or do you keep to yourself? i think i keep it a fairly even split but i am almost always in a text message conversation with somebody. Do you cuss like a sailor? lol yes. Have you ever slapped someone in the face, deliberately? lol yes. Do you find yourself checking your email or instant messenger more often? during the week i check my practicum email like 50 times a day. Is shopping fun for you? honestly no. i find malls very stressful, i feel claustrophobic in them (i know it’s weird). and if i can’t find anything that i like, i get sad and insecure. and i also like find spending my money to be very stressful Are you fond of electronic music? Why or why not? um. i used to be, and in certain moods i find myself going back to it. but i kind of hate the culture around it and it never like demolished my heart and soul the same way other types of music have. the lack of lyrics is often something that really acts as a barrier for me to connect with any of it. and now that i don’t really do drugs anymore edm is just.. boring Have a favorite season? i like them all for different reasons but if i had it my way it would be september for about four months of the year. Is there something you keep just because it means a lot to you? lots of stuff. old polaroids and letters. gifts. playlists. text messages. Ever been labeled as something? probably. Do you care if your friends act embarrassing? lolololol i am the embarrassing one methinks. Do you own any Converse? What do you think of them? i used to but they met their bitter death at the full moon party in thailand earlier this year. Are you listening to anything right now? If so, what? it’s actually completely silent.

Did you ever see the Spongebob Squarepants Movie? not only have i seen that movie, i tOOK a BOY to it. What time is it right now? 9:14pm. Was it a nice day today? no, it snowed and was misty and grey and cold.

Is your life kind of boring, or really exciting? Or just right? it’s very boring. i get bored by it all the time. Do you enjoy wearing rain boots? i really do actually i find them so cute and so fun Does seeing a rainbow excite you? lolol honestly yeah Do you like skittles, or are they just gross? skittles are fucking GREAT but my fave are the sour kind Musicals: Yay or nay? ehhhhhhhh nay. Do you ever listen to music that’s in a different language? sometimes korean music cause it’s just so friggggen catchy Are you more of a chocolate or candy person? CANDY i really actually don’t enjoy chocolate Could you handle working in a fast food place? lmao no. a restaurant is bad enough. Do you enjoy eating that shit? you know i do baby gimme that mcdonalds Do you prefer ice cream or gelato? ice cream. Is your bed made currently? nope i am in it. Are you one of those people who are really anal about everything? it’s funny because when it comes to like, a group project? yes. but anything that has to do with my self care or like... my private spaces like my room or my car? actual disgusting chaos What do you think of movies in a different language? well. i need subtitles so. Do you have a crazy aunt? nope. Do you ever get nervous when you have to work in partners, and you don’t know anybody in the class? it is literally the bane of my existence. Are you a starbucks junkie? i can’t afford starbucks but i am certainly a coffee junkie. Do you feel safe riding in taxis by yourself? uhhh yeah. i’ve never had an incident in a taxi.

#text #tumblr surveys #personal

0 notes

citadelcollective · 7 years

Text

The Absence of Gwen (trigger warning, parents, emotional neglect)

I just realized, I have something I've been repressing, and never realized the effect it had on me. The way I lost my Godmother. I was around five or six years old, and my godmother, Gwen, was pretty much the only person in my life who let me be entirely me without trying to shape or mold me. She never talked down to me, and always was happy to explain big words and big concepts in ways a kid could understand. She only censored concepts where absolutely necessary. And while she swore around me occasionally, she never let me swear. She said they were like firecrackers, used for explosive feelings and flashy situations, and like firecrackers, they could hurt people or yourself if you weren't careful with them. Said when I was old enough for my parents to let me play with firecrackers, she'd let me swear too - but always only as long as I was careful. We were as much friends as we were family members, and she meant the world to me, even if she did have some rather bad habits. But I was a precocious child, and I knew the things she did were unhealthy, and she knew I knew. And I had no interest in them other than if they were hurting her. We made a pact on it - she said she knew they were unhealthy, and she'd cut down, so long as I was her cheerleader. She'd keep her cigarette boxes in a little labeled tub outside the front door ("Don't be in ash,") and her beer cans in the corner ("Can or can't you?") and her lottery tickets in an "irony treasure chest" on the porch. We counted them all up at the end of the week. If she cut back we got to put the money saved in a jar towards the new car she really wanted, but if she slipped and indulged in too much of her vices, I got to choose what the penalty was. We went on lots of adventures together, played lots of board games. We'd bake cookies and play dolls (probably the last time I ever played with dolls) and go swimming in her big pool, day or night. And at the end of the day we'd go up to her loft room and watch Looney Toons together - our shared favorite - with Sylvester the Mutant Cat at our feet. (He had 7 paw-toes and could sort of talk gibberish.) She loved Looney Toons and classic Disney, with Mickey Mouse and Donald Duck and all the rest. She also very much supported my interest in science, taking me on nature walks and flipping through my rock book with me at every interesting-looking rock. She introduced me to Frank Sinatra and big-band and lounge music, and we'd sing New York at the top of our lungs at the end of every trip as we came up the road to her place. But I now realize that my parents were waiting for a reason to forbid me from being with her. They thought she was a bad influence, and I think they didn't trust me to know the difference on my own. They never bothered to ask. They just knew she drank, and smoke, and gambled, and they didn't want their daughter near that. And so one night, Gwen and I went on a "secret mission." Her neighbors were away on vacation, but they had told us we could take the overripe vegetables from their garden if they were about to spoil - and to pluck the big weeds if any came up. We'd been away all day, and got home late at night, and decided to do it before we went to bed, besides, it would be more fun that way. But when I came home with vegetables the next day, my parents were certain she must have had us steal them. And so they forbade me from ever seeing her again - I didn't even get to say goodbye. I don't remember much about it after then - but I do remember every time I saw her number in my little phone book, it made me ache inside. I think eventually I stopped thinking about her because it hurt too much, and my parents would never talk about her or let me see her. I ran into her just once a few years later at a Fireman's Carnival. She had curly red hair now, not the short brown I was used to. She hugged me and told me she loved me, that she missed me too. And then she said that if my parents forbid me from talking to her then I should listen, after all, they were my parents and were just trying to look out for me. She was crying, but it was a silent kind of tears that showed up on her face like she was forcing herself to be okay but they snuck out anyway. And then she pulled two dollars out of her back pocket, and handed it to me, saying I should spend it on something that would make me happy - and gave me a little nudge towards my parents. Told me they were waiting for me, and we shouldn't keep them waiting. I think I said I wanted to see her again. Her answer either never came, or was vague and without any promise. She waved as I left, and I waved until I couldn't see her any more. That was the last time I saw her. I might have been nine or or ten when next her name popped up, and it was brutal and abrupt. Gwen was dead. My dad told me in a quiet, stop and start voice with pleading eyes that never reached his soft monotone. "Amy told me she was in the hospital, and I don't know, I guess I thought she was just sick, so I didn't tell you, I didn't go." She was smoking several packs a day and drinking herself to death. Her liver gave out. It was at least a year too late. We missed the funeral. I still don't know everything I'm feeling, or felt. I'm pretty sure I wasn't able to properly process my pain. I look back and there are a lot of repressed emotions in my childhood, and I wonder just how traumatic losing my childhood friend and safe place was to me. Was that when I started dissociating? Pushing the feelings and the thoughts away so I could feel relatively okay? I don't remember any examples beforehand, only plenty during and after. Too many questions. Not enough answers, and too many memories of her are missing. I have fragments, of cleverly designed spillproof cups with silicone straws, and strawberry fruitsicles with 100% real strawberry juice and chunks of it. Mousey, the floppy posable mouse in a Christmas sweater. Mud Puppy, the mixed-breed dog that was bigger than me that I could ride when Bobby, her son, was around. The mockingbird that imitated her squeaky clothesline. Bubble baths and cats sitting on the toilet seat, keeping me company. A big rainbow Cat in the Hat hat. And as much philosophy as my little mind could handle on the back porch. Books read together. Poetry. The day I nearly drowned, and she saved me, and never even yelled at me for being careless around the pool and disobeying when she told me never to get out of a pool raft on my own. She said I'd taught myself, and that was enough. She never even raised her voice. She was kind, and forgiving, never unfair. She took the things my mom was trying to teach me and made them more accessible to a child when she could. And above all, I remember her always telling me that the world wasn't always full of nice people or fairness, but we could be the front line of the resistance, turning hearts one smile at a time until the world was a better place. It's not a lot to go on. I don't remember her voice, much less her face. She never posed for photos. I don't have many memories of my childhood, but much of what I have left is with her, partly from a photo album she left for when I was older that triggered a flood of memories. I'm still grateful. And I'm not letting go.

#trigger warning #emotional neglect #memories #trauma #tw emotional neglect #parents #tw parents #Rani #Ranithoughts #analysis

0 notes