#i finally talked to my mum about how much i still grief for her on thursday evening and now we’re doing this hehe

[manicpixiefelix]

a long way down to the bottom of the river

{ One-Shot AU for head, heart, hand. }

Summary: In which Felix can't be talked around to forgiving Oliver, and you become one of Elspeth's last remnants of her children. (Or; in an alternate universe, canon happens and the reader is there to suffer through it with the rest of the Catton family.)

Need to Know: They/Them. Explicitly NB Reader. FWB!Reader/Felix. Reader is from a well off family but has pretty much been adopted by the Cattons.

Warnings: SALTBURN-CANON ENDING; death, grief, murder, implied/referenced suicide, funerals, drinking, implied overdose, Oliver Quick being a bastard behind the scenes. You die at the end (heavily implied, not graphic). Angst without a happy ending.

A/N: 3604 words. had to write this to get it out of my head, im so emotional about the catton family i love them all very much. THIS IS NOT CANON TO head, heart, hand.

TAGLIST IN COMMENTS!! // TAGLIST ALWAYS OPEN ! (just message or comment to be added)

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Its Elspeth who finds him, who screams bloody murder in the mid-morning sun. The others are quick to join them, Venetia and Farleigh still sopping from searching the lake. Venetia collapses and Farleigh alongside her, and Sir James is quick to attend his son, denial on his strained voice. Oliver is next, slow moving as if in a haze, and finally, footsteps and shouts -

"What is it, is he -?" Your voice rings out, but Elspeth cuts you off sharply.

"Stop right there, pet." Voice surprisingly authoritative, you're still amongst the high walls of the maze, but can see the clearing open up ahead. However, you still obligingly stop.

"What's wrong, Elspeth, what's happened to-?"

But Elspeth is approaching you, the faintest glimmer of tears in her eyes. Something is terribly wrong, you note, as she wraps you up in the tightest hug you can remember.

"I don't," her voice trembles, barely audible, "want you to see this."

"No," you whisper as it begins to hit you.

"Darling-"

"No," you struggle, already feeling panic and dread well up inside of you. Elspeth tries to hold you tighter, quietly sobbing as she tries to keep you in her embrace, but you break free, running for the centre of the maze.

"Let me see my Felix!"

There are no words in the English language that will ever come close to describing the noise of absolute, distraught anguish that claws its way from your throat at the sight of Felix on the grass, unmoving.

Venetia sobs louder.

The minute you start to crumble, to fall, Oliver is by your side, holding you tight, holding you close. He's wearing Felix's robe, but it's a comfort in this moment. The sobs that escape you make your whole body ache, but you just don't understand how this could happen, how it all went so fucking wrong, how he looks so peaceful in the morning light.

Elspeth calls everyone away for lunch, voice forcibly level, but immediately you disagree.

"Don't make me leave him," you hear yourself say in a rush. For a long moment, Elspeth frowns at you, not angry, just concerned.

"Let his pet stay with him," Sir James says with a strained kind of fondness, "I think letting him have company is a good idea."

After a moment, Elspeth approaches you, takes you out of Oliver's arms, holds your face steady, and you try to repress your tears for the moment.

"Come right back when, well," she falters, just for a moment, "I'll have Duncan call the police -"

"I'll be good, I'll be good," bubbles from your lips as tears continue to trail down your cheeks. Softly, weakly, Elspeth smiles.

"I know you will be, pet, then you come right back inside for lunch with us, okay?"

"Yes," and you, desperate for this connection in this moment, call her something usually only ever used by Felix and Venetia, "mum." Elspeth's gaze softens, eyes suddenly glossy with new tears, and she quickly kisses your forehead.

"Good pet," and she lets you go, leading the way from the maze, and leaving you to finally, tragically approach the body of your best friend.

Like a distraught lover, a dog desperately waiting for a master who will never wake up, you take your place by Felix's side. He is perfect, looking like an angel, looking like he was sleeping; Sir James' reaction still breaks your heart when you think about it, if only because it makes too much sense for a parent in denial.

Everything is a blur, all pain and love and a childish desperation for this all to be a bad dream. When you talk to him, amid sniffles and hiccupping sobs, you don't even register what you're saying; for the first time in your life, Felix is cold to the touch. He's always run warm, this isn't right, this can't be real - when reality hits you again, it hits you hard, laying, curled up by his side, head on his chest. There's no steady rise and fall of his breathing, no warmth, no heartbeat that you know better than your own. Felix, perfect, angelic Felix, is not sleeping.

When the paramedics and police find you, gardener in tow to help them through the maze, you've lost your words. All you can do is sob, wracked with grief, by his side.

It's the gardener who manages to pull you away, a kindly, greying gentleman who's been working for the family for many years. He speaks softly and kindly when he tells you that Elspeth is waiting for you, that lunch is served.

Unlike the others, you've had no time to change, no time to clean yourself up. You are a mess, looking the way every single one of them feels.

There's a chair pulled up right next to Elspeth, way out of formation from the others, an plate of food sat there too. Somehow you know it's for you. When you sit, she gives you a tight, sad smile, and reaches out.

"Eat up, pet," she insists, giving your hand a squeeze when you take hers, "we've all got to keep up our strength." The mince and pie on the plate in front of you is cold. All you can do is cast a helpless gaze around the table to the others. Farleigh sits across from you, unable to look up, unable to touch his food, unable to move. Venetia is at the other end of the table, hand shaking on the wine bottle as she appears to contemplate pouring herself another glass; she looks distraught, looks a mess, god you wish you could go hug her. Oliver is observing you all, as he always does, desperately trying to cling to a sense of normalcy despite the way the air all around you seems to be rotting as you sat there.

And there's a gaping hole in the family, at the table, Felix's chair empty, and your regular one beside it. It means something. Means everything. Beneath the table, Elspeth has lowered your joined hands but hasn't let go. You can feel her trembling. With one hand she tries to eat her lunch with a fork, but Duncan interrupts with a request to close the curtains, to shield the family from witnessing Felix's body being taken away.

Still, everything goes to hell as those curtain bathe the room in red light. Despair is the sound of Farleigh sobbing and screaming and Venetia drinking wine until she's all but drowning in it, and Sir James casting Farleigh out after Oliver rats him out for the cocaine at last night's party. It's all set to the squeak of the gurney just outside, heavy with the weight of your best friend's body. Elspeth tries to act like she can't hear it, but her hand in yours is painfully tight, and she can't keep her food down in that moment.

The curtains open, the world is light again, and you still haven't touched your food.

"May I be excused?" You voice is weak as you turn to a still riled up Sir James. There's a tick in his jaw.

"No."

"Please, he's family."

"He's not coming back here, not now, not ever," there was no room for argument in his voice, but you persisted.

"Please let me say goodbye."

Sir James seems to soften, just for a moment, and he casts his gaze to his wife beside you. When you look to Elspeth, she does hesitate, her grip on your hand still tight, but she finally lets go with a dejected nod.

Immediately you're scrambling away, standing so fast from the table that your chair clatters to the ground in your haste, bolting from the room to find Farleigh.

In the foyer, waiting, Duncan standing guard over him a few feet away, Farleigh is sobbing into his hands. When you pull him into a hug, he crumples against you. There are no words in this moment, just a harmony of anguish and despair, the two of you on the pristine marble floor, holding each other for dear life.

There is no coming back from this. Your world has been irrevocably changed, has gotten a little smaller.

That night you curl up in Felix's bed, like you always do. Your world will never be the same.

"Can I come in?" Venetia sounds like she's been crying, and all you can do is nod. Curling up next to you, Venetia is the little spoon, whole body shaking with silent sobs as you hold her tightly. You join her, until your cries become audible, clinging together in your misery.

"Oh, my darlings," from the doorway you hear Elspeth, and immediately Venetia's crying becomes louder, gesturing like a child for her mother to join your all. Shuffling over, you let Elspeth settle herself in the middle, under the duvet, tears in her eyes as you both curl into the only show of genuine connection she's offered all day. Venetia begs her mother to make it stop, to tell her it isn't real, and all Elspeth can do is apologise.

"He's gone, mummy he's gone, how the fuck could this happen to us?!"

Elspeth has no answer.

All three of you sleep uneasily.

During the days that follow, lead up to Felix's funeral, Elspeth requests your company more and more, whilst Sir James seems to have decided that your input, as Felix's closest friend, was necessary for the funeral arrangements. It's taxing to accommodate them all and not break down. Thankfully, during the nights, Venetia doesn't seem to mind if you cry. The two of you take to sharing Felix's bed, like children having a sleep over, holding each other close for comfort, trying to talk when the pain of his absence isn't unbearable.

In between it all you try and make time for Oliver. He watches the way you're stretching yourself thin, always asks how you are, if you need a break or time to yourself. Time to yourself is the last thing you need, you tell him, and he can see the sadness in your smile.

On the day of the funeral, it is you and Sir James who give speeches. When the idea was suggested, you immediately tried to refute it, insisting that Elspeth or Venetia should be the ones to go up, but Venetia gives a sad smile and points out that you knew him better than she did. Elspeth knows she could never make it through even a sentence.

Still, Venetia comes up with you for support, her arm tucked in yours as you read through the carefully prepared documents. Farleigh's in the crowd with red-rimmed eyes; at least Sir James had the good grace to invite him, even if he wasn't allowed to attend the actual burial or wake.

Halfway through your speech, the paper gets blurry and tears cloud your vision and your voice gets stuck in your throat for a moment.

"It's okay," Venetia whispers, pressing a kiss to your shoulder, though she's crying too, "it's okay."

"Felix Catton," you decided to fold up your carefully prepared script, looking out at all attending, all who'd loved him, "was an irreplaceable bright light. Everything about him made the world want to bask in his warmth; I know everyone here knows what I'm talking about," taking a deep breath, looking around to see more than a few nodding heads in the crowd, "Fi was love, and joy, and spontaneity, and he refused to compromise himself for others," and you looked down, squeezing your eyes shut tightly as the ache in your chest began to overwhelm you, "he was unapologetically himself," another shaky breath in before admitting, "he was my whole world," trying to get past the lump in your throat, "and I'm going to miss him for the rest of my life."

It's Venetia who throws Felix's rock into the river, and your turn to support her, holding her tightly as she flinches away from the sound of the rock hitting the water. She cries in your arms until you all make your way back to Saltburn.

"Felix's darling," is what Elspeth has taken to calling you in the past few days. It's clunky to hear, and would be a mouthful to say, but you're not going to protest.

"Yes, mum?" It's what you've taken to calling Elspeth; she hasn't protested that either.

"Of course you're free to say no, but I-" desperately trying to keep up a brave face, it falters slightly when her voice catches, "I'd be very grateful for your company in one of our spare bedrooms. Nothing untoward -" she's quick to clarify, "like a sleepover, when you children were small. I'll get Duncan to bring some kind of snacks, perhaps a charcuterie board? And wine?" She gives a hopeful smile. Never in your life had you heard a request quite like this from Elspeth. But these aren't exactly usual circumstances; who were you to deny a grieving mother?

Elspeth tells you stories from Felix and Venetia's childhood from before you knew them, often with a hint of guilt that it was relayed to her by one of the maid, or footmen, or chefs, or gardeners. Still, it's comforting to you both to hear these stories on such a tragic night. The wine is immaculate and the cheese is, of course, award winning, and if Elspeth is crying quietly while she tries to sleep, holding you close like you're a child again, you don't say anything. There's tears in your eyes too.

But you can't get to sleep. When you see the sky turning pale behind the curtains you ease yourself out of her grip, exhausted in every way possible, as you head to the other side of the estate, back to a more familiar bed.

When you finally get back to Felix's room, you're hit by the overwhelming smell of blood. Dread and nausea wells up in your stomach, the scent growing stronger with each step you take towards the bathroom.

Blonde hair and a blood-filled bathtub. Razor blades and Venetia's blood on the tiles. You think you're going to be sick.

"Ven- Ven!" You're screaming at the top of your lungs, it's barely even dawn. You don't care if you wake Oliver in the next room, god there's horror in the idea that he'd slept just feet away without even knowing.

"Venetia!" You climb in the deep tub, bloody water splashing, overflowing as you pull the plug and try and sit her up higher, sit her mouth and nose out of the water. It's too late, logically you know this, but you're panicking - this can't be happening again. Oliver stumbles in, horror on his face, in his eyes, as he takes in the scene, and you beg him to fetch Duncan, to call and ambulance, sobbing through your adrenaline and fear.

You won't let her be seen in this state, you realise, so you pull her from the bath, wrap her up in a spare robe from her brother's closet, and you sit with her. Your back against the wall you sit her in between your legs, back firm against your chest, propped up, even as her head lolls to the side. All you can do is cry, whispering apologies into the damp ends of her hair, begging her forgiveness. Your pyjamas are soaked with her blood from the bathtub, but you can't even begin to care.

Elspeth becomes reluctant to let you go.

"Tell me about your adventures with them," she'd ask softly, sitting neatly and cross-legged in the spare bedroom next to the master bedroom where Sir James still spends his nights. Like her daughter before her, she's started requesting that you braid her hair after she's showered for the night. You always oblige her request.

She becomes anxious, it seems, without you around, as if afraid that you'll do something similar to Venetia. You are not yourself around her, you are a remnant of her children, but for the time being she gives you purpose, so you cave to her requests every time. All your clothes are moved into the spare bedroom, and in the quiet of night, Elspeth sounds so sad when she recounts that she stopped Felix and Venetia from crawling into her bed after a nightmare far earlier in their lives than she wishes she had. She always wakes up before you, and never talks about it during the day, but there's something in it for you too. Every night she kisses your forehead, and something aches in your chest at her quiet, loving words;

"I love you, my darling, I'm so proud of you." And you know you're not the child she so desperately wishes she was talking to. But you realise you needed to hear them anyways.

Oliver is still around, quiet, skulking, not quite sure what to do with himself. A lot of the time he joins yourself and Elspeth in whatever activity she had chosen; reading, art, strolling the grounds.

"Isn't he wonderful," Elspeth would say, fondness in her voice, "of course you and our darling Felix love him so, how beautiful he is." Elspeth held fast to you and Oliver, all she had left of her children, though in time it grew almost to the point of suffocation.

"It's because she's worried you'll do something drastic," Oliver tells you softly, the two of you sitting on Felix's balcony, looking out over the lake. Sir James and Elspeth are attending a gala, and Elspeth had been wringing her hands about not having you by her side for the night, but her husband had reminded her that this was the one gala you really couldn't attend, and ordered Duncan to always have you in line of sight.

"Like Venetia?" You'd asked, wine drunk and indulging in your night of freedom. Oliver is very quiet, but you know he's thinking the same thing. When you look over your shoulder, you see Duncan, stoic as ever, behind the glass doors, giving your conversation privacy but still always watching. You implore him to get another bottle of wine, and promise you won't make any rash or sudden moves. Oliver snorts into his own bottle, but Duncan seems less than impressed. Still, he obliges, and for a few moments you and Oliver are entirely alone.

"Is it like Farleigh?" Oliver finally asks, before shaking his head with a frown, back tracking, "no, forget I said -"

"Is what like Farleigh?" Intrigued and feeling indulgent, you lean your head against him, the two of you on the wicker sofa. For another few beats, Oliver is still quiet.

"Are they paying for you?" He murmurs, "is that why you stay?" You make a noncommittal noise in the back of your throat, shifting a little.

"Is that what you think of me, Ollie?"

"I don't know," he admits, "no-one really talks about why you're here."

"I don't think anyone thought it mattered; I'm here because Felix is my best friend and the others don't mind me being here," you sit up, gesturing broadly out to the grounds with a wide smile and open hand, "I could be anything I want, anywhere I want, and I chose Saltburn." Sitting back down, you settle against him, and thank Duncan as he slithers back into your view with a fresh bottle of wine.

"Is that what you tell yourself?" Oliver sounds almost a little rueful as he says it, but all you can do is snort with laughter, unsurprised that he doesn't believe you.

"Do you think I wasn't allowed at this gala tonight because I was, what, too poor?" He doesn't exactly have an answer for you, so you continue on anyways, "Ollie, my parents were hosting it; they just hate being reminded that they have a kid." It's the way you have nothing, nothing, nothing that loves you other than these memories, these two broken parents, that makes you bark a humourless laugh, "funny, isn't it?" Your eyes start misting over, and you can't look at Oliver for your thoughts and the grief as it wells up inside of you, "how I got the family I always wanted," a wide, ugly smile stretches across your face as the tears begin to pour, as it really, truly hits you, "all it cost me was fucking everything else."

("You should have let them go to the gala," years later he will tell a comatose Elspeth, barely clinging to life as he watches over her and the machines keeping her breathing, "you should have known they'd do something drastic." He takes an inhale, faint smile quirking at the edge of his mouth as he considers, but can't bring himself to look at Elspeth during these moments of his confessional.

"You had everything you needed in them; the ghost of your selfish children calling their best friend home, haunting us all even when they were gone. I admit, I was selfish, you didn't need me. No," he reconsiders, shaking his head with a frown, "they were selfish; they could have had the world and yet they chose to haunt you, haunt us."

"They were cute with Felix though, weren't they? Best friend. Soulmate. Dog. Says he was their everything, and I think Felix thought that about them too. Always tangled up in each other, weren't they? Something very Romeo and Juliet about them; romantic," he tried not to give a wicked grin at the thought, "that they'd kill themselves the same way he'd died."

"You never did ask why I was so sure Farleigh still had cocaine in his room after the party.")

#saltburn x reader #felix catton x reader x oliver quick #felix catton x reader #saltburn imagine #felix catton imagine #oliver quick x reader #felix catton x y/n #felix catton x you #oliver quick x you #oliver quick imagine #oliver quick x y/n #felix catton x you x oliver quick #head heart hand fic #manic writer

[miniwheat77]

Lime Green. (Soap.)

!CW! NSFW, fluff, flirting, babiessss (sorry if I missed any.)

Lime Green is the mix of apple flavored liquor that sat in your glass, it was sweet, almost too sweet. His eyes have been drawn to you since you came inside the bar. He’s been eyeing you all night. It takes a good buzz for him to finally approach you, needing the liquid courage. You’re sat at the bar with your friends when he comes up to you, and the flirty smile you give him as he comes over tells him everything he needs to know already.

Lime Green is the color of marker you’d written your number on his hand with. He sees it the next morning, waking up with a pounding headache. You weren’t the type of girl to take someone home on the first night but didn’t hesitate to give him your number. He waited until mid day to call you, which caught you off guard. You figured he’d text you. He talked sweet over the phone, convincing you to go on another date with him. This was going to be the first of many dates, but you didn’t know it yet.

Lime Green is the color of your fluffy socks he’d bought you. They’d come in a pack of 5, all different neon colors. They were meant to be a joke but you actually wore them. Not knowing just how much it meant to Johnny. Although, your tone of voice when you called him over had him worrying, rushing to get to you. Only to find you standing in the doorway, tears streaming down your face. Grief too much to handle after having lost someone close to you. Johnny was there by your side for every single second of healing. Picking you up and bringing you up to your bedroom so you could cry it out with him there.

Lime Green is the bright keychain attached to the keys of your new house, the realty company printed in bold white text over the green. The countless hours of moving the both of your houses into one, starting your lives together officially. You’ll never forget the way he picked you up and spun you around in the empty living room. Excitement too much to handle for him. “This is so amazing.” He smiles, looking around. “Yeah, it really is. I can’t believe this is happening.” You laugh.

Lime Green is the color of that dreadful maternity shirt his mum had gotten you to wear for your baby shower, hearing Johnny complaining about how his shirts are always dirty because none of your own clothes fit you. You cried when you put it on. He tried not to laugh, it doesn’t look bad, but you think it does. After the baby shower, you stood in the mirror, picking apart your outfit. “Come here, lass.” He rolls his eyes, sitting at the end of your bed. You waddle your way over to him. “I think you look perfect. You could wear the most awful color out there and still pull it off.” He smiles. You roll your eyes. “You’re so full of shit Johnny.” You sigh. He pulls you in close, running his hands down your pregnant belly. “You look beautiful. I mean I prefer you in nothing, but..” he laughs when you punch his shoulder.

Lime Green is the color of the Halloween Costume your son sprints around in, you’re sweaty and tired. You’ve got a baby on your hip and a little boy that keeps tripping you up, leaving toys all over the house. “Johnny! Come on! We have to take him by your mums house or she’ll be upset.” You yell out to him, he emerges from the stairs, wearing a costume similar to your sons. “Dad!” He yells, slamming right into Johnny’s leg. “Steamin’ Jesus, you’re gonna take out a knee my boy.” He laughs, lifting him up. You turn away to finish dressing your daughter. When you turn back, you hear your son laughing hysterically and Johnny is holding him by his ankles upside down. “Good god, you’re gonna kill him.” You roll your eyes. He sets him down. “No, but. Look at you.” He smiles, taking your daughter out of your hands and looking at her. “Look at you, my little princess.” He smiles, rubbing his nose over hers, hearing her giggle. “A lil ladybug hm?” He smiles, setting her down. She waddles off, your son nearly knocking her over. You sigh. “You look beautiful too.” He smiles. “Thank you, you look.. amazing.” You poke his toned stomach through his superhero costume. “Yeah right. I gotta be doing something right, no way we’d have two of these little ones running around if it wasn’t true.” He winks, seeing you roll your eyes. “Oh yeah. The costume just does it for me.” You roll your eyes. And actually.. I think you mean three.” You laugh, looking down. It takes him a second. “Wait… what?” He asks. “Are you serious?” He moves closer, seeing you nod. He pulls you in for a kiss, rubbing a hand over your stomach. “We should be the incredibles next year.” He smiles. “Oh my god Johnny!” You roll your eyes.

#call of duty mw2 #soap mw2 #cod mw2 #ghost mw2 #captain john price #price mw2 #alejandro mw2 #captain price #johnny soap mactavish #mw2 smut #soap cod #soap mactavish #soap call of duty #john soap mactavish

[look-at-the-soul]

The Photoshoot (Part 38)

Cillian Murphy

Series Master List 2014 , 2015

A/N: the scene with Mom is inspired by a lovely chat I had with @prettylittlehoneyeyesxoxo 🥰 thank you for the inspiration!

🍔 The scene mentioned is not part of the movie, but I imagined it could be part of a scene that never got released… and the hamburger part was inspired by the photos I added 😂 also be careful when you drive, my mum and I almost got sandwiched between 2 cars 3 times in a row one day…

Yael was waiting impatiently with her laptop and Skype ready, feeling like a teenage girl one more time.

Cillian had been completely focused on his role as Josef Gabcik, finally getting into his character mindset. Traveling to Prague helped him a lot to reach the fine details he wanted to achieve for the movie.

After he left, she had a photography session with a long-time client of hers, Martha she contacted Yael to take her engagement photos a few years ago, she then asked her to photograph her wedding day but now she wanted to get the photos with her baby boy.

It was something common some brides did, they loved the shots they got and came back to have other important moments immortalized by Yael’s lenses.

Contacting Yael through a call to ask if she was still outside the UK, Martha explained to her that she had been following her work for a while and thought it was incredible that she moved to Ireland. So the date for her Photoshoot arrived and she traveled with her one-year old son to Ireland because she and her husband wanted to visit the country. Now she would get the chance to do it… without him.

He was killed in an accident when the police were behind a man who stole in a store and he was shot by accident. He didn’t know she was pregnant back then, so Martha had to learn to live with both grief over losing her husband and the fact that she would be a single mother.

Yael couldn’t hold back the tears after listening to her story, it was heartbreaking to remember the beautiful shooting they did years ago, they were so happy, so in love.

In a snap of the fingers, Rob was gone, Martha didn’t have any other choice but keep going.

That night, Yael called Cillian as soon as she got home. She was inconsolable, sobbing on the phone, she couldn’t help but see herself in Martha’s shoes, what if she was the one losing her husband? What if she couldn’t see him again? The thought of the possibility of not kissing him or waking up next to his warm body, the comfort of his arms around her, and his loud laugh over something silly… she didn’t want to keep fighting or keep her anger towards him any longer.

There was no point to waste time in stupid fights, they both realized how fragile life was, how everything can change in a heartbeat.

Maybe it was the photoshoot or the distance, or the fact that they stopped thinking and talking about the problems they just faced, but their relationship was at a much better place, both decided to focus on them and their projects only after apologizing over and over on the phone.

Finally, the notification of Cillian’s call showed up in the corner of her laptop, pressing the green button she found a smile growing in her face at the sight of her husband.

“Sorry love, I was in the shower.” He confessed as if his wet hair didn’t give that away. Yael saw the glimpse of his boxers when he moved, his torso covered by the undershirt he was wearing.

“It’s alright, how was your day?”

As he moved around carrying the laptop with him, she could see part of the apartment he told her the other day, it was like a flat, but he had everything he needed, a new tv, beautiful view from his window, the only thing he asked for was a kitchen, he wanted to cook instead of eating out all the time.

“Good actually, we did a couple of good shoots at a club and outside.”

“A club? That sounds like fun.”

She saw him smiling at that.

“Yeah well, the club is in the middle of the set and the fun stops when two soldiers come for me and a fight starts.” He said after filming several options for the scene.

“Oh no!” Yael gasped. “What happens then?”

“Josef gets beaten up and-” Cillian smirked, she was so good at distracting him with those eyes and smile. “You will have to see the movie to find out.”

“That’s not fair!” She pouted. “You mentioned once it’s usually released a year later.” She remembered the post production process he told her about, it involved them recording their voices for some scenes, endless hours of editing, lights, sound effects, music…

“You know how this is, I could get in trouble if any detail is leaked to the press.” He made a funny face, he knew she wouldn’t say a word.

“I think I know how to convince you.” Cillian saw her standing up, the kitchen lights illuminating her frame.

His pulse started to quicken as he saw his wife remove her top.

The problem now, wasn’t the strict contract he signed of not revealing anything… but his speechless state. His mind went blank the moment he saw Yael standing in front of him with her top covered only by her bra, a delicate pale pink lace.

“Take that off, and I will tell you how it ends.”

Cillian got hard immediately when he saw his wife biting her lower lip and moving her hands to her back.

***

After sharing a bear hug, Isla wrapped her arm around her daughter's waist.

“I’ve missed you so much.”

“Missed you too, everything good with your flight?” Yael asked reaching Cillian’s car, he told her she could use it as much as she needed to.

“Everything went well, oh! I almost forget your Dad asked me to call and let him know that we are together.”

“Bet he is missing you terribly.”

Isla chuckled. “Bryan couldn’t stop whining on the way to the airport.”

“He’s coming on Friday right?” Isla nodded and Yael’s phone started ringing. “Can you take that? It might be Cill.”

Setting up the phone in speaker, Cillian greeted his mother in law, he was genuinely happy to have her staying with Yael while he was away.

“I loved the photos you took from the guest room, looks amazing.” Isla beamed, when she saw the photos, she told her daughter that it looked out of a magazine.

“Isla, please make yourself at home.” She insisted him to call her by her name since the day they met.

As Yael was about to change to her right lane, a truck came out of nowhere, the car behind her honked desperately, Yael mirroring it.

“Be careful!” Yelled Isla, holding onto the glove compartment.

“Oh my God! Where did that truck came from? Are you okay?” She asked her mum after moving the wheel violently to go back to her original lane.

“What happened?!” Asked Cillian, worried for not knowing what was going on.

Her heartbeat went crazy, they were one second away of having a major accident.

“Baby? Tell me what’s going on?” Yael heard Cillian’s voice after slowing down her speed.

“Just a bloody eejit with a driver license, we’re alright.”

Isla placed a hand over her speed up heart. “That was so close. I thought we would get sandwiched between the truck and the one on your side.”

Cillian kept calling his wife’s name.

“Don’t worry baby, everything’s fine, it was just a crazy driver using the wrong side of the road.”

“Be careful, okay?” The sound of the car’s tires and brake got him worried. “Call me when you get home, I don’t want to distract you yeah?”

Yael nodded, her knuckles almost white from taking the steering wheel with all she got. “Will do, I love you!”

“Love you more, be safe.”

She heard the call finished on the other line, but she refused to take her eyes from the road. Even the smallest distraction could cause a terrible accident.

After the little scared moment they had, Yael and Isla stopped at a pharmacy to buy a hair dye and some vitamins her mum forgot at home.

It was an incredible sunny day, so they stopped at a small store to get some ice cream, chocolate with mint for Isla and cookies and cream for Yael, sharing a small moment of joy to compensate for the distance.

“I really needed to dye my hair, but you know Marcie moved to another city and all the services at the salon are getting so expensive, but I don’t like my white hairs.” Isla complained.

“Marcie left? Why?” She was her mum’s stylist for over a decade.

“Her sister got ill, and she didn’t have anyone but Marcie.”

“You must really miss her.”

“Oh! This is lovely.” Isla pointed at the cookies jar next to the sink full of samples.

“Right? I found them at the thrift store last week and I had lots of samples for a Photoshoot I did some time ago for a brand, don’t worry there’s one in your bathroom too.”

As Yael prepared her mum’s hair with the oil and towel around her neck, then she took her cellphone to answer a text Cillian sent her.

Looking at her daughter through the mirror, Isla asked her: “What’s that smile for?”

“Oh, it’s just that Cill sent me a photo of his fake dinner, they use plastic food for the shoots and he has to pretend to eat it.” He was messing around with Jaime, she was happy to know he was having a good time while working.

“He’s just the sweetest man, calling you to see what plans did we have or what we wanted to do.” She loved to see her son in law treating her daughter right, loving her. “You complete each other.”

“I just think it must be hard for him to be alone in a country he knows nothing about, in a small apartment, you know… away. Imagine if today something happened to us while driving back home, how long will it take him to catch a flight?”

“Oh, don’t even think about it.” Isla touched her daughter’s arm in comfort.

“I know I wouldn’t be able to do it, learn all of those scripts, repeat the scenes over and over, listen to the directions, learning a different accent, the life of his character… the press, interviews, the criticism.”

“But he’s so good, the other day your Dad and I found Batman on the telly, he was such a cute boy.”

Yael smiled at the memory of her parents calling one night to tell her, that they found a Cillian’s movie.

“He’s getting more and more handsome.” Yael admitted.

“I hope you tell him that, men are like us, they like to know their wives find them attractive.”

Yael chuckled. “He doesn’t believe me.” She started to dye her mum’s roots first, dividing her hair, it was just above shoulder’s length.

“After all the things you went through with the lies that woman said, he probably has a hard time believing anything.”

Sadness reached Yael’s eyes, something her mum immediately recognized.

“What’s the matter babygirl?”

“It’s just…” her voice broke down a little. “we had a really hard time because of that. There was a moment when I thought we wouldn’t be able to stay together.” Her eyes watered. “Even after the truth was revealed, we still kept having some problems because of that, everyone was trying to say their opinions over what he should or shouldn’t do, while we were still trying to learn how to live without the baby in our lives…”

“That woman will pay for her lies, you’ll see.”

Checking the timer, she started to dye the rest of the hair, struggling with the giant gloves that came in the box. Trying to avoid her mum’s skin in case the dye caused any allergy.

Yael shuddered. “I really don’t care about her, what really upsets me is that Cillian and I were really close to break up, there were nights when I thought I couldn’t keep going, I just wanted the nightmare to be over, everything was too much.” Letting off steam with her mum really helped Yael out, there were a lot of things she needed to get out of her chest that no one else would understand, and she really needed to be really careful because Cillian was a public figure and she didn’t want any tabloids gossiping about him.

Yael finished covering all her mum’s hair with the dye and then went on to cover her mother’s head with a plastic wrap. “Sometimes it was something I did or something he said.”

Isla looked at her through the mirror.

“That witch’s mom even called one day to suggest we could keep seeing Sean if we wanted to!”

“Why would you do that? If the baby wasn’t his, there’s no reason for you to keep in touch.”

“That’s what Cill said.”

Checking the clock, they still needed to wait five more minutes, so Yael started to prepare the bowl to wash her mum’s hair.

“I hope all of that is better now.”

Sighing, Yael gave Isla a half smile. “It’s better, but he’s away right now if you weren’t here, I’d be by myself just with Scout.”

After rinsing Isla’s hair, Yael took her hairdryer and with her fingers, started blow drying it, enjoying the simple moment with her mum.

Scout ran away downstairs as he heard the annoying sound of the hairdryer.

“Why don’t you go and surprise him?” Isla proposed over the noise.

Turning off the hairdryer and looked at her mum’s reflection. “Cill is busy filming, I don’t want to distract him.”

“I think he would love to see you there.”

“You might be right… and I miss him like crazy.”

---

Lenka took a small feather that fell on his shoulder, as she saw the soldier approaching them she gave him a warning look. If that man asked them any questions, it would be the end of them.

“How can you be so, so boorish? I just wanted to see that hat, Jo!” She pretended to make a scene and walked in the opposite direction, he knew what she was doing, she wanted a distraction.

“I promise you, we will get it tomorrow.” He followed after her like a lost dog and looked at the few coins he had in his pocket.

She was deliberately speaking louder, so the soldier could hear they were in the middle of a stupid argument. “You’re always making promises.”

As they cross the street, Josef pulls her by her arm and with his thumbs he starts caressing her face. “Good, now nod and look if he’s still close.”

Lenka shudders and whispers a no.

“And… Cut!” The director announced. “It stays, we’re good. See you all after lunch break.”

“I’m sorry I stepped over your shoe.” Anna apologized with an embarrassed face.

“It’s alright.” Cillian answered but faked to hobble and let out a loud laugh. As he walked over to the food table, he was starving.

Anna squinted her eyes at him. “You’re terrible!”

It was so late, and he felt like he could eat anything in that moment.

“It makes the shoes look worn out, otherwise the audience won’t believe it.”

Anna gave his hamburger a side look, it was probably something she wouldn’t eat.

Another thing he disliked about the Hollywood life; the pressure of being perfect all the fucking time.

“Mr. Murphy, there’s someone waiting for you in your trailer.” Someone from the staff informed him as he waved his co-star goodbye. Jamie wasn’t around filming so he would probably have lunch by himself.

After taking a bite of the glorious and cold hamburger, he asked: “Who? Is this for the behind the scenes interviews?” He heard someone got the idea to record the actors as they prepared for their roles between scenes, and the idea of having someone following him to the bathroom wasn’t really appealing.

“No, but I can’t say anything else.” The woman pursed her mouth in a tight light and motioned him to follow her lead.

“Is it Jamie making pranks again?” He asked worried, until now he wasn’t a victim of his jokes, but you never know with him.

The woman made the signal of closing a zipper with a lock. “Can I take that?” She then pointed at the vintage camera hanging from his neck, he used it earlier to shoot that scene with Anna as she pretended to pose for Josef.

Cillian handed her the camera and tried to look for something out of place outside his trailer, but everything was so quiet.

Opening the door a little, he tried to spy around, but it wasn’t until he opened it a bit further, he found his wife standing in the middle of the cabin.

“When did you get here?” He rushed towards Yael to wrap his arms around her. “I didn’t know you were coming.” He added against her lips.

Yael touched his cheeks and then passed her arms around his neck to feel him closer. “Just wanted to surprise you, the staff said you are on your lunch break.” She kissed and hugged him back as Cillian put her down after spinning her around.

“Ah this is the most beautiful surprise!” She didn’t mention anything when they talked that morning, he thought she would visit him the following week. “Sorry for the crumbs.” He tried to smooth her clothes.

“Oh God, I missed you like crazy.”

“Me too baby, me too.” Cillian whispered against her hair, her perfume filling him, she smelled like orchids, it had a comforting effect on him.

He loved his job, tried to perform with all he got, truly getting in the skin of his character, but having his wife visiting him on set after everything they’ve been through was all he needed in the moment, since he was usually alone once the shooting was done, he went back to an empty hotel room or flat.

“You look so handsome, I love this outfit.” Yael started to run her fingers through his hair.

“Can’t believe you’re here.” He peppered her face with feather-like kisses.

“Well I almost got deported.” Yael joked kissing him back. “The officer at the airport asked a lot of questions, where was I staying, who I was visiting, blah blah. He wouldn’t believe me I was visiting a movie set, I had to search for an online article of the film.”

He kissed her again. “Hmmm.” He was so distracting. “Sorry for the mess, I didn’t know you were coming.”

“As if knowing that would change anything. Come on.”

He laughed and she pushed him out of his camper. The set was absolutely mindblowing; it looked like it had vintage shops and even a park! She wanted to have a memory from this.

Using her trench coat, Yael placed it over one of his shoulders, she knew he would be the one shooting the target.

“Can you look to your left?”

“Why?”

Yael looked at him over her camera.

Click.

“Because I’m starting a new project; my husband’s work. I’m going to save a shot from every film and character you make.”

***

Next part

Still in jail time, don’t forget to let me know what do you think about these two. You know me, I find inspiration in everything and the samples jar is a great idea for a guest bedroom. Oh! And about those hamburger photos??? I added them last minute 😂 lots of love xx

#That’s what Cill said #cillian murphy #cillian murphy imagine #Josef gabcik #anthropoid imagine #cillianmurphy #cillian Murphy x oc #cillian murphy fan fiction #cillian murphy fanfiction #cillian murphy x reader

[soullikethesea]

I found a video about "limerence" and attachment issues. (Very long).

I think some of the anxious preoccupied parts are stuck in limerence. It's helping me to see a bit more clearly what's happening, like how it's not grounded in the present (unfortunately, I have to think about that stupid childhood again).

I recognize wanting to find a home in another person - desperately wanting to feel welcome. I recognize fantasizing about rescue and idealizing people. I did that a bunch as a child. I recognize the deficit of connection. Also a deficit of being cuddled and touched.

I have to untie this from romantic love. Honestly, I have no idea if I'm capable of romantic love. Is there anything in me beyond the longing for an attachment figure? I doubt it.

Unfortunately the "ways to work on limerence" don't seem very inviting. Daily affirmations and daily rituals. I know the weekly yoga is a good thing right now. I know the daily cuddles with plushies are good. I know spending time with parts is also helpful over time. Plus finding words for things, finding step-by-step explanations and guides. Like when my T borrowed me the deck of cards with words for needs, I finally had possible answers for ("what do you need?") and that helped so much. I think my next step is going to be more journalling. The Courage to Heal has journal prompts (it is a scary book I haven't read yet, but it does sit on my shelf), and I really like the journal prompts from Unmasking Autism. They are often more about strengths and other good things.

"Little me", to summarize the cluster of super young parts, is highly emotionally volatile. It's such a wounded and dysregulated little person. So desperate and vulnerable. About age 0 - 3. When the world is a chaotic world in which you're very much powerless. I idealize(d) my mum a lot, because she responds to the anxious preoccupied-ness with her own anxious preoccupied-ness. It's ironic, because I WAS clearly the apple of her eye. No neglect there. Just neglect because she was so struck with trauma, grief and dissociation herself. Our bond was very intense. I was allowed to be my full neurodivergent self. She accepted my picky eating, my sensory avoidance and sensory seeking, my open and curious look at the world, my incessant talking (way too much), my intense focus, my need for quiet and structure. She couldn't soothe my strong emotions, but she was there for me in many other ways. Like stroking my back every night. It's just that I wasn't allowed to step out of that connection either. I had to stay close to her intenseness, or she would freak out. Even while staying close she freaked out a lot, because she was very traumatized. I was really scared of upsetting her, because her upset would be like the whole world turning dark and even more scary.

My limerence is maybe thinking back to those times I *did* feel fully accepted. When life was calm and my mum was happy.

The scary things that happened were way beyond my comprehension. The fights. Losing my siblings. Being abandoned (left with the other parent), where suddenly everything would be different and I would be scolded for not knowing what to do. I was so scared. My dad has opened up a bit more about his experience of my early childhood and he said that I was unhappy most of the time, very upset. He said that my second birthday was one of the few happy days he remembers. That was right before he and my mum split up for good, although they already split up and got back together a few times before that.

I don't remember that day, of course. But I remember other birthdays and days, and I know I was happy whenever my mum would be happy. She loved being away in our cabin, so I have a lot of good memories there. She loved Easter, so that feels like a safe holiday.

My dad said he didn't "fight for me", because he was too scared of my mum. She is very manipulative and proud of it. She still is.

But she did make me the apple of her eye and when I was with my dad I lost all of that. I lost anyone capable of taking my needs into account in any way. So I longed for my mother. And I weeped and wailed, alone on the carpet. No one to comfort and no one to care.

My dad said I needed a lot of constant attention and I was very clingy. But my mum could leave me to play for myself for 4 hours at a time. It was a matter of feeling unsafe.

And I hate that it still affects me even now.

#Youtube

[multiphandommess]

Grievances

Requested by @wosoobsessed

Request - Hi, would you maybe be able to do a bit of an angsty one with Natasha? I lost my mum earlier this year. So maybe the reader's mum passes away and Natasha is just the best partner and comforts her through the Journey of her grief and like holds her while she cries. And goes with her to the funeral. Sorry if this is too sad you don’t have to do it I 100% understand if this isn’t the stuff you would want to write 😂😂But thank you anyway!!

I sat there in shock. I got the phone call everyone dreads, the call from someone letting you know a loved one has passed. My mother, a kind and funny woman, had passed on earlier today, and after getting a call from my sister, my world was crushed. The tears hadn’t set in yet, I was still processing the words that I had been told. Natasha was wrapping up filming for Poker Face season 1 in upstate New York. I wanted to text her, ask her to come back to the apartment with a bottle of liquor and a box of tissues, and fall into her arms. However, I felt bad doing that. It was only 10 a.m. and she had left at 7. This meant that there was most likely a 12-hour shoot day today and that she wouldn’t be home until 11 or midnight. So, I did the next best thing, I drove to the store, got some booze, and came home and cried. And watched sad movies, and cried. It was about 10 pm and I had a lot to drink. I wasn’t on another planet or anything cliche, but I wasn’t sober. And that's how Natasha found me, lying on the couch, staring off into space and mumbling to myself. “Hi Natty!” I slurred. Natasha looked shocked at my state, “Baby? What, uh, what happened?” The question made me remember why I got so drunk in the first place. This time, the tears came. I couldn’t stop them, they just kept pouring down my face. This reaction shocked Natasha, even more. “Ok, ok. Let’s get you to bed, ok honey? We can talk in the morning.” The next thing I knew, I was waking up in our shared bed with a killer hangover. After I emptied my stomach of the booze, I sat down on the bed next to an expectant Natasha. “So, do you wanna tell me what last night was all about? I brought home some beers to celebrate filming wrapping, but when I got home you were 2 sheets to the wind,” Natasha said, looking at me worried. “Nat…I…just…here,” I couldn’t get the words out, so typed it into my phone and handed it to my fiance. I was on the verge of tears again as I waited for her reaction. She didn’t say anything, she just pulled me into her and held me. I cried in her arms for a while. To be honest, I’m not sure how much time passed. All I know is that when I was done, it was no longer morning. We had spent the day cuddling, crying, and sleeping. 

“Darling? Are you hungry? I can hear your stomach rumbling,” Natasha said, after multiple hours of grieving. I nodded my head, my throat sore. “What would you like to eat?” She asked again. I only shrugged my shoulders, not currently wanting to make a decision. “Does pizza sound good?” Once again, I only nodded. I got up and made myself look a little more presentable and walked to meet Nat by the door. She took my hand and walked us to her car. 

I got in the car and she did too. As she drove, I decided to finally speak. “I’m sorry, bub,” I said, looking at my lap. I felt bad. I felt like I had been clingy and just overall annoying. 

“No, no. You don’t have anything to be sorry for. Why would you think that? You’re grieving over the loss of someone who was a giant part of your life. You can be as sad as you want. I’m going to take some time off and I’m going to be with you, ok? Because I don’t want you to think that this is something to be ashamed of. Feeling like this, feeling emotional, even feeling numb, is all a part of the process of grief. Please understand that you don’t have anything to be ashamed of.” Natasha reassured me. I almost cried out of relief. “Really?” I asked, trying to wrap my head around the kindness and acceptance of my partner. She nodded as we pulled into the restaurant parking lot.

“I promise, hon. You have nothing to be ashamed of and you shouldn’t feel weak. Now, I’m gonna go in and get our food. Want your normal?” She asked. After I told her what I wanted, she walked into the store. I was still feeling lost without my mom. She was the kind of woman everyone looked up to. She was a head-turner, yet she put kindness before looks. Even though I knew it would be hard to navigate this world in this new normal without her, I knew that Natasha would help and support me through my grievances.

#natasha lyonne x reader

[the-royal-teacup]

I posted 404 times in 2022

83 posts created (21%)

321 posts reblogged (79%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@hunnymae

@razziegirl

@thefraudess

@dflogerzi

@hugyourhaters

I tagged 5 of my posts in 2022

#youtube - 5 posts

Longest Tag: 7 characters

#youtube

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

I just had a thought, as I watch once again people bringing up Harry and feeling sorry for him. 🙄

The statement he made about people grieving his mother, and having to greet those people and listen to them talk about his mother like they knew her and they didn’t know her, how dare they grieve his mother.

Remember that Harry? Wasn’t that your statement? Weren’t you mad at the British public for grieving your mum?

How did you feel on Saturday then? As you stood there once again, accepting condolences that you didn’t deserve, (Harry from years ago deserved them, but not this selfish man child we see now) were you mad? Probably. You’ll no doubt spew your hate about it, once you’re back in LA or perhaps you’ll edit your book and add it in there? Now that she’s not here, I’m sure you’ll be quickly editing it, to make some money off of your granny’s death and exploit some more of her legacy.

Even the day of her death was made about him and his wife. I agree he should have been there, but the minute it was put out that he and his wife were travelling to Balmoral, it became about that and waiting for him to arrive and him arriving late because his wife caused a stink, again.

Lots of people (especially the media and TV people) may be forgetting the shit you and your wife have spewed, giving you sympathy and saying how nice it is to have you ‘reunited’ with William and Catherine; but I don’t see it that way. You don’t deserve the respect, you don’t deserve the condolences and you don’t deserve to be able to grieve within the public. You should be behind closed doors and only allowed out for the funeral, and even then you shouldn’t have a big role.

I can’t. I can’t put it aside for our Queen, I just can’t. I’m sorry Your Majesty, but I’ve watched as he and his wife disrespected you, and your family time and time again; your legacy was stomped on with their numerous lies and vitriol and now I’m supposed to let it go and feel okay with him being amongst the public, accepting condolences like he’s a good grandson? No. I’m supposed to ‘let it go’ and allow him to grieve the woman he caused nothing but grief for, for the past two years? No. That would make me a hypocrite. Yes, he’s her grandson, but he should not be seen or heard from, until the funeral.

I don’t think we’ll ever hear an apology from Harry, because as far as he’s concerned he’s not in the wrong, he thinks it’s all his families fault. And even when she finally leaves him, which she will, he’ll then blame it all on her. You played your part in this Harry, it hasn’t all been her, you allowed it and that makes you part of the problem.

I don’t forget easily and I can hold a grudge like no other. I’m a Capricorn and we hold grudges until the end!

138 notes - Posted September 12, 2022

#4

Mark my words…

They will use this negative reaction to their advantage. They will go back home and spin it in their favour; how it just proved to them that they did the right thing by leaving. How the royals and the British public are all ‘racist haters’ and how they’re so much better off in LA, where they’re ‘safe’.

And when they do, I hope they are asked the question, ‘if it was as bad as you said, and you still received such a bad reaction when you returned, why did you go back?’ And I don’t want to hear the ‘family’ bullshit. You came back because your wife loves the spotlight and any chance she can to stick it to the Royals, but it pretty much backfired didn’t it Murky?

Enjoy your obscurity back in the US and don’t let the door hit you on the way out, you good for nothing pair of grifters! 🖕🏻

158 notes - Posted June 3, 2022

#3

I decided to take today and just make it about the Queen and saying goodbye, I have thoughts on the one who shall not be named right now, but for now I just want to put a few of my thoughts down, they maybe all over the place, so bear with me!

It feels so final. Our Queen is laid to rest and the Elizabethan era is over. Finality, it feels so surreal and so final all at once. Of course I knew our Queen was gone, but the funeral is the last goodbye and makes it all real, but at the same time it’s so surreal to watch history play out and to be a part of it.

The Royal Family did an amazing job today, they said goodbye with such dignity, grace and sadness all at the same time. Every detail of the funeral was beautiful and such a tribute to Her Majesty. It was a celebration of her life like no other, and it showed every inch of the pomp and circumstance that we are so known for.

Prince George and Princess Charlotte, the moment I saw their little faces I lost it. They did so well and with the help and guidance of their loving parents they were able to say goodbye to their gan-gan and once again I’m sure she would be so proud of them.

Moments that stuck out to me the most, especially at the final service at St George’s chapel; seeing the Queen’s fell pony Emma on the long mile towards Windsor and the staff bowing as she passed them. The corgis, when I tell you I lost it seeing the corgis sat waiting for their mistress to come home, I . Lost . It. Something about animals and children, just really break my heart!

The final moments of the service, as the Crown Jewels were removed from the Queen’s coffin and King Charles laid the Queen’s Company Camp Colour of the Grenadier Guards on top, then the Lord Chamberlain broke his wand and laid that upon her coffin too.

And of course her coffin being lowered into the vault, such a poignant moment and final goodbye as a nation.

It was all so final, it felt like she was being stripped of all the things that had made her our Queen at her coronation and she was now just Elizabeth again.

And so you are Ma’am, you’re now Elizabeth ‘Lilibet’ let your crown rest, your job is done. I hope you are at rest and peace, you sure deserve it after 70 years of service.

Thank you once again for everything. Today we say goodbye, but we will never forget you and what you gave us and left us with.

Rest in Peace Your Majesty.

185 notes - Posted September 19, 2022

#2

I feel like some are judging others for how we are dealing with Harry and his she devil being allowed all the air time they’re getting.

Am I mad? Yes. Have I perhaps lashed out in my anger about the terrible twosome? Yes. Do I feel confused as to why they were allowed to be so public, after everything they’ve done and said? Also yes. Have I slowly, over these past couple of days come to accept it? Yes and no. I understand Harry being here in a grandson capacity, fine. But it’s the audacity and sheer hypocrisy of his she devil, standing there and pretending like she didn’t disrespect the Queen in every way shape and form, before and after they left.

And I know I don’t have to understand, I’m not a part of The Royal Family, but as a British citizen, born and bred, who was brought up to respect The Royal Family, and for the last two years (four if you count Markle coming into the family and disrespecting protocol etc) I have watched as the monarchy and all Her Majesty built has been trashed, by that woman and her grandson, all the while clinging onto their titles and exclaiming at every point they can that they don’t care about titles and being Royal, whilst also still expecting everything and everyone to treat them like Royals, whilst once again proclaiming how much they hate the pomp and circumstance and all the ‘stale’ protocol and traditions.

They are hypocrites of the highest order and they should be called out for it. Maybe not right at this very second, because the family need to grieve, but they need to be taken in hand after the funeral and put in their place, finally. Nobody knows what King Charles will do after he has laid his dear mama to rest, but we can only hope he reigns them in.

Did I in my anger for the hypocrisy and disrespect, and grief for our Queen lash out? Yes, yes I did and my temper will no doubt flare again when I see that woman pretend to care and respect our Queen, now that she is gone when she couldn’t be bothered to do it, whilst she was here. She thinks she can get what she wants from the King, because that is why she’s back, she wants what she thinks she’s entitled to and I only hope King Charles puts her right in her place.

So, yes, I’ve been mad and I’m allowed to be mad at the blatant disrespect and hypocrisy surrounding not only Murky, but Harry as well.

Thee end.

224 notes - Posted September 14, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

I found the Paddington clip on TikTok, for those who would like to see it. It really made my heart happy, and a little sad too. 🥹🥰

495 notes - Posted June 4, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

#tumblr2022 #year in review #my 2022 tumblr year in review #your tumblr year in review #false

[saedii-gilwraeth-simp]

Can we have some Saedii angst

Sure. But since that other ask has Saedii outliving Ty on my mind, we're gonna talk about it.

~~

"Hey," Saedii stands out of her seat at the voice behind her to find her son standing there in full Legion uniform, black band around his arm. Shae stood a step behind him, holding his hand. "I'd ask how you're going but I think we both know the answer to that," Kal says softly, wrapping his arms around his mother and squeezing her. Saedii hugs back just as hard, letting her son hold her up for a second. Everytime she thought of the fact that they were at her Be'shmai's funeral, she found it hard to stand so it was nice for someone to hold her up.

Finally she taps Kal's side, who pulls away and sits down. Saedii turns to Shae, who hugs her just as tight. Shae is also standing tall in her Legion uniform, solemn and Saedii knows that she feels like she had lost a father just as much as Kal or Lae do, even if she seems to be holding it together better.

"How's he been?" she asks, tilting her chin towards Kal. Shae purses her lips and shrugs.

"You know he idolised Tyler. I don't think he really knows how to process his feelings about it. How have you been though?" Shae asks gently and Saedii takes time to consider the question.

"I keep trying to talk to him. Like someone will say something that I think is dumb or stupid and so I reach out with my mind to talk to him and then realise he's not there and I feel all of the grief all over again. It's been a lot," she says, her eyes flicking instinctively to the coffin at the front of the chapel. Shae lays a hand on her shoulder.

"You know our doors are always open Mum. This is hard but please don't think you have to do it alone," Saedii nods but doesn't respond. Doesn't really know how to. It had been 90 years since she had really been alone like she was now. A part of her heart and soul was dead and there was no words that could really encapsulate that, how alone it made her feel.

~

The wake was full of bureaucrats and if Saedii had to speak to another one, she was going to stab someone. Luckily, Scarlett and Lae knew how to play the politics and were keeping the sycophants away from Saedii. She was standing outside of the main room, on a balcony, slowly sipping her whiskey.

"Hi," she turned to find her brother approaching her, his own drink in hand. He leans on the rail next to her and sighs. "You know, I kinda thought he was unkillable, with how many tight spots he got us all out of," Kal admitted and Saedii smiled at the thought. As dumb as it was, she had almost thought the same thing.

"How do I get past this?" she asks softly, showing a vulnerability that she still found hard. But if anyone would understand how losing a Be'shmai 100 years before you would start to follow feels, it was Kal, who had lost Auri a decade ago. He sighs and wraps an arm around her shoulder.

"If there was ever a standard process to grieving I would tell you. Just... take it a day at a time, a minute at a time if you have to, and although I know you'll hate it, you have to feel your feelings, not push them down. Plus, it's not like Tyler is gone gone. An'la téli saii, remember," Kal says, squeezing her shoulder. Saedii rubbed a hand over her face.

"It's hard to remember when I still have another 100 years to live," she says.

"Yeah, I know it is," Kal assures gently, holding her tighter.

~~

I'll see myself out!

#aurora cycle #auroras end #saedii gilwraeth #tyler jones #kal gilwraeth

[gillianthecat]

Hi! I enjoyed reading your DJ thoughts - it's always fun seeing other ppl experience it for the first time! I'm sorry the big reveal in ep 15 didn't work for you - that whole sequence is one of my favourite parts of the show, of any show! To offer another way of looking at it, I think it's precisely because he can't blame Elijah that he had to redirect all that rage he's feeling elsewhere, and that's why it coalesces around that little cabal of elites - you can see it in his eyes when he emerges holding her, the forlorn expression changing to one of utter hate when he looks up to see them all squabbling and whining. So what might otherwise have just been regular distaste for their antics and selfishness and greed and hypocrisy takes on these cataclysmic proportions because where else is he to put all that grief and anger and need for someone to pay (other than the fire safety ppl of course!)? And we know from his upbringing that he's not had the best education in channeling one's emotions in a healthy manner! As for Soohyun and Gaon 'getting together', I don't think I'm alone in reading that very much as him retreating to what's safe and familiar (aka straight!) when things with Yohan, in more ways than one, have gotten too intense - they never managed to convince me he was genuinely romantically in love with her, but I can buy that he convinced himself he was, and also why it happened at that point in the plot, and I like to think the show intended for that ambiguity, because so much of their dynamic comes across as not just platonic, but downright familial - he compares her to his mum, she chastises him in a very parental/older sibling way (their fight in ep 12 especially - he's like a little kid who's disappointed his caretaker) - and in a show which pays attention to detail, having their kiss be...like that, and then having their official let's get together moment culminate in...a hug...those have got to be deliberate choices! So the most generous interpretation would be that it's an intentional portrayal of someone repressing their true feelings/sexuality, or perhaps more realistically it was indeed a bone thrown to shut up the homophobes, but I do think even if that's the case it was done in such a way that anyone who's not a closed-minded bigot can see what's really going on! And if it's any consolation, I believe the writer did say in an interview after the finale that it wouldn't be long before Y&G reunited (I mean, Yohan only managed to stay away for one month before he caved and came back just to lovingly stroke Gaon's chair - man's got no willpower!). Besides, I remember someone pointing out the scene in ep 4 where Yohan gives Gaon the (Swiss!) watch and tells him from now on he has to live in the time zone as him...foreshadowing perhaps?? Sorry for the rambling - apparently I never get tired of talking about this show! I'm glad you enjoyed it overall and thank you for sharing your thoughts!

Hi DJ Anon! Thanks for this detailed response to my The Devil Judge ramblings, I was hoping that people would respond with explanations of things that confused me, or just their own reactions. I love having conversations about this show, there is so much richness in it.

The Big Reveal of Yo-Han’s Secret

Your idea that Yo-Han is redirecting rage makes a lot of sense to me now that I think about it.  It makes sense as part of the explanation for Yo-Han’s awkwardness with Elijah. Part of it is that he's just awkward around humans when he's not wearing his persona of mysterious and powerful judge. And part of it is that he has no idea how to be a parent, his own parent was horribly abusive. But I can imagine that part of it is some deep rage he has at her for killing his brother, rage and blame that he doesn't think is fair or want to have, but is still there. So he has this deep love for her and also this fury and it makes him not know how to act around her.  Even if he's gotten to the point where the anger has faded he's in such a pattern of awkwardness that he doesn't know how to change. 

I could imagine there is also some anger and blame toward himself and his brother for not watching her and preventing her from knocking over the candles. He's shown miming at her to be careful with the candles, so I would fully buy that he blames himself for not doing more to keep them all safe. (Honestly, if I’m going to blame anyone (besides the church) I would blame him for not supervising her once he saw that she was playing in a room with candles.)  So how much of this is also guilt all twisted up? I would buy that a lot of it is, although I'm not sure if that's what the show-makers were intending. Anger at himself could be another reason he's awkward with Elijah – he feels guilty for not preventing the fire.  Anger at his brother (and sister-in-law) has nowhere to go since they are dead, and are the victims. Plus I imagine that in general he has all sorts of complicated emotions around being angry at his brother, even when he was still alive. 

That would also explain why he is so desperate to prevent anyone from seeing that recording. He blames her and hates that he blames her and it's all twisted up in him and so he can't accurately think about it or predict how others would react. He assumes, at an emotional, pre-thought level, that everyone else would have that same anger and blame for her, but without the mitigating force of the deep love that he has for her. It's not rational, but not able to act rationally around it. If he was able to think clearly he would know that Ga-On wouldn't blame Elijah or be angry at her, or reveal the truth to her, but this is something he can't be rational about. With all the half buried emotions in the way he can't recognize that others would be sad about Isaac and Cecilia’s death, but wouldn't have the same immense rage about it. 

this got really long, so more under the cut

His rage at Isaacs death comes from just how important Isaac was to him. I think the series shows us pretty clearly he’s someone who’s pretty isolated, who has only a few people he loves, but he loves them furiously, all-consumingly, and will do anything to protect them. ("It's ok if humanity gets destroyed as long as you guys are here." [ep 12 at 38:56]) His brother was one of the few he loved so losing him was not just grief, but completely devastating. One of the few pillars of his world was pulled out from under him. His grief and rage must have been enormous. 

I'm not sure if the show was trying to say this, but I would buy that his brother had the function of a kind of external conscience. That flashback on the swing where Isaac gives him the cross pendant-that's certainly what Isaac was trying to do there. Present day Yo-Han scoffs at it, saying that there are no innocents. But I would buy that back then, from that time up until the fire, he relied on Isaac as a kind of external moral compass. So not only did he lose one of the very few people that he loved, but he also lost a part of himself. That's plausibly something to drive him off the deep end and into a weird complicated revenge plot.  (I have more vague thoughts on him not really having a moral compass of his own and living without one once Isaac is dead, and how Ga-On starts to take on this role. Not exactly sure if the show overall supports this idea, but there are certainly parts that do.)

So yeah, I could easily buy the idea that the Foundation crowd was a much safer target to direct all his rage and blame that he couldn’t direct at Elijah.  However, if this was what the show-makers were intending, I think they could have made that a little clearer.  It makes a lot of sense, and I can’t think of anything that contradicts it, but I also can’t remember the show really hinting at it either, whereas they did give lots of hints and subtextual clues to the dynamics of other relationships.  Perhaps that’s what his awkwardness with Elijah was supposed to reveal, but there were so many other possible explanations for that.  And the times he was furious with her were easy to explain as protectiveness and fear, so it didn’t occur to me to look for underlying anger.  But it’s also very possible it was there and I missed it. Yo-Han and Elijah's relationship is so interesting to me, I want to rewatch and take a closer look at them.

The Public Arc & the Domestic Arc

This also connects to my thoughts on the overall genre, plots and themes of The Devil Judge. It seemed like there were two different stories being told, the romance/domestic/private story and the political/conspiracies/public story, and that the show didn’t quite manage to integrate the two.  I think my expectations of which story they were telling affected how I saw that big reveal.  I have lots of thoughts on this, so many that I ended up writing myself in circles so I won’t include them here, but if I get myself organized I may post about it later.  

Su-Hyeon and Ga-On

I actually agree with your interpretation of their relationship, and that Ga-On was trying to make something happen with her because it felt safe.  It made a lot of sense within the context of the show, and for both their characters.   I think the only reason I didn’t like it was because I was feeling conscious of the censoring of queerness, so it made me very sensitive to how they were depicting romance.  I don’t even necessarily think that the creators put that kiss in there in order to “prove heterosexuality.” It just ended up feeling that way because I was mad in general  about the homophobia behind censorship.  And perhaps some of my own redirected anger, because I was sad about Su-Hyeon dying. (She was so great!)

Tangent on Queerness in Censored Fictional Worlds

This isn’t really about your point, but thinking about why Ga-On was scared to be with Yo-Han made me think about this post about Guardian by @dragoncityinteriordesign.  In it they write:

“The nature of a China-censored adaptation of a danmei novel means that Dragon City becomes a cultural setting that is confusingly neither pro-gay nor anti-gay nor neutral on the subject of gayness. Perhaps ironically, that creates a situation where Chu Shuzhi can be read as gay precisely because the show cannot contradict that assertion, but also cannot be read as gay because the show cannot confirm that assertion.”

Being censored means that queerness can’t be shown to exist in this world, but an odd side-effect is that homophobia can’t be shown to exist.  So we can’t know if one of the reasons Ga-On was scared to be with with Yo-Han was internalized homophobia/fear of being queer/fear of being seen as queer.  Obviously there are many other valid reasons for him to be scared of falling in love with Yo-Han. So it could be that he was choosing the safe straight relationship over the dangerous queer relationship.  But it could just be he was choosing the safe moral sane person over the dangerous reckless amoral person. It doesn’t really matter to the story either way, but we can never know.

The Ending

I absolutely agree with you, I felt the ending was definitely implying that they would be together soon after. Like, a viewer could take it another way, but the whole momentum of the ending implied that. I fully buy everything in this post by @thequillandscreen.

I love that detail about the watch!  I noticed a few times that Ga-On kept wearing it, but I didn’t think about Yo-Han’s demand that  “Because from this moment on you need to live in the same time as me.” (ep 4, at 16:58). And it was Swiss! That’s excellent foreshadowing.  And I also love that shot of him stroking the chair. They definitely knew what they were doing there.

I'm assuming this is the interview you mentioned? There's a lot of really interesting insights in there.

Thanks, DJ Anon, for sharing your thoughts! It's fun to be conversation with you about this fascinating show.

#the devil judge #the devil judge reaction #asks answered #the devil judge spoilers #my ramblings #wow that's a lot of words #thoughts on censorship #reaction by gillianthecat #anon asks

[lilyliveredlittlerichboy]

I think I've grown enough now as a person that I can, maybe, sit down my parents at some point and talk about my childhood and school years. and how that time was so very fucking hard for me and looking back, yes I'm a little upset that they didn't notice.

I had friends in primary school and I'd invite them round or go round their houses frequently. Clearly I was a social child who enjoyed hanging out with other people in real space, who even liked things like going outside to exercise with friends. These are all things I did regularly in primary school, usually unsupervised.

But come high school and age 11, 12 maybe - all that stopped, cus I didn't have friends anymore. All my socialising after school stopped- or rather? moved online.

My mum used to give me such a hard time for being on my computer all the time as a teenager. Maybe it was too hard for me to explain that the reason I was sticking to the computer so much was because all my friends were in there.

I couldn't go out to hang with my friends because for a solid several years, I simply didn't have any that were close enough. Nobody at school liked me, really. I was spending most of my time at school waiting for it to be over.

I understand that if you're parenting two young teens and one of them is showing that they're very good at just sitting in their room quietly and that's actually what seems to be their preferred activity, it's hard to

1. see it as a problem,

2. do something about it,

also cus I was and am stubborn and struggle to ask for help and I've gotten sooooooo much better at this lately but as a teenager? no fucking chance you'd catch me ever asking for help. I was navigating the world the only way I knew how, which is to seek out friends and have fun with them, and for a long time online was the only place I could do that.

(So painful to remember and think about. I was the sweetest little kid all I wanted was to have friends. I didn't deserve the hell that high school put me through! I didn't deserve it one bit!)

I was & am disabled (arguably more so then than now, I have good coping skills and have structured my life to suit me, but at school I was just thrown about with very little idea of what was going on, or what would make it better) and I kinda wish my parents had recognised that even just a little bit

(But then they're both likely neurodivergent so I guess it was a bit of the old 'but everyone struggles with this' and 'this kid is like us and we are fine so they will be fine' not to mention that my parents both have their trauma and are on some levels Not Fine but let's not go into this too much)

It's gonna be so hard to talk about cus it'll bring out a lot of my mums internalised ableism and I don't really know what exactly I want out of this conversation. Maybe I just need them to know what was going on with me then, and what's going on with me now. Maybe I want to challenge my mum's ableist ideas and get her used to the idea of me as disabled (but still capable). Maybe we need to talk about how she still doesn't trust me as the highest authority on me, despite the fact that my parents and I only talk every couple months at a push. Maybe we need to talk about the fact that I am a very sensitive and highly emotional person and that I won't just "toughen up" like she did and I don't need to and I don't want to. But it would really make our relationship better if she recognised my feelings as part of me, for better or worse, and tried to work with me and my feelings rather than telling me not to have them.

Isn't it beautiful that I finally now feel safe and free enough to fully express my emotions in a way that my mother never could? It's sad, really, for her, so very fucking sad but I don't think my mum wants to be me: she's scared of her emotions, her anger, her grief and sadness and frustration. Probably even the loud, happy ones. Everything is clad in a layer of irony and tough guy act and she hasn't cried since she was 15.

I'm older than she was when she had me and I cry at least once a week on average, much more than that currently. I don't know how not to feel this much and I've had to radically embrace my full spectrum of emotions cus trying to suppress them like I did in school just left me stunted and hollow.

I would much rather feel everything! It makes me feel so alive. And I think that's what I need my mum to understand more than anything. I'm not scared of my emotions anymore so she doesn't have to be either.

#personal

[somekndofnature]

No Other Way #8

I've got a couple more for the @domaystic challenge today. I will not stop! Fair warning, this is a bit angsty.

Day 8: Coin Laundry

Fandom: Doctor Who

Pairing: Jackie + Rose; Jack Harkness + Rose

Rating: G

AO3

There's Waves That Can't Break

Rose watched the linens slosh back and forth inside the industrial washer, bored out of her skull. In a million years, she had never thought it would end this way. Since meeting the Doctor, she had imagined her end a hundred times. Rose had always hoped that it would be significant, saving a planet or species or…saving the Doctor. There was a time when she was so ready for that to be the way her life ended, as long as it meant she didn’t have to live without him. It was lucky that Rose didn’t know back then what she knew now; she would have been even more reckless. 

A familiar body squashed against hers in the plastic row of chairs. “You look just like him when you brood like that.” 

“M’not broodin’” Rose replied to her mother. 

Jackie laughed. “Sound like him, too.”

Rose just shook her head and crossed her arms over her chest. 

“I bet you never thought you would have to be back here,” her mother said with an almost wistful expression.

She snorted. “Yeah, you could say that.” 

“Watch that tone, missy. You’re not too good for the coin laundry.” 

Rose rolled her eyes and wrapped her arms around her knees, feeling all of nineteen-years-old when her mother scolded her like that. “I never said I was.”

She ignored her daughter’s comments. “I know you’ve seen all the fanciest parties and met kings and queens from different planets but don’t ever forget your roots Rose Tyler.”

Jackie was oblivious to her daughter’s shoulders bunching; anger and grief were flowing from the wound in her heart, a wound her mother’s words were ripping wide open.  

“I’m sure that ridiculous box of his had the finest laundry facilities in the universe but there’s nothing wrong with the machines here on good old Earth.” She leaned over and bumped Rose’s shoulder. “Mind you, I could use one of those fancy machines, these are gonna do a number on my delicates. Can’t believe the machine at the house croaked–”

“What the actual fuck are you talking about?!” Rose finally snapped, jumping to her feet.

Jackie’s mouth dropped open in shock for a second before she regained her senses. “You watch your mouth, little madame. I’m still your mother.”

“Then how can you say any of that to me?” she asked with tears gathering in her eyes that readily overflowed. “Do you honestly think I give a fuck about any of that?!”

“Rose Tyler, you're making a scene,” Jackie hissed, rising from her seat and glancing around the nearly empty laundromat. 

“I don’t care! I don’t care if I am,” Rose shouted.

“Rose.” Her mother’s outrage seemed to have petered out to concern as she took a step closer and reached for her. 

She held up her hands and backed away until she hit the wall of machines. “He’s gone, mum,” Rose said, throat aching with barely contained sobs. “I don’t give a fuck about meeting royalty or parties or fancy washing machines!” She wiped at the tears on her cheeks only for more to take their place. “The Doctor’s gone. I love him so much and I’ll never get to see him again or hug him or hold his hand. It’s like he’s dead.” She sucked in a shuddering breath. “And as we get farther away from that damned day on that damned beach, I keep expecting it to fade, to somehow start to hurt less, but it never does. Everyday I wake up and feel like I’ve lost a piece of myself, a piece that I will never, ever, get back,” she explained, sobbing as she slid down to the floor. “And I just have to keep going even though I feel empty, even though I’m incomplete.” 

Jackie wiped a tear away and sat beside her daughter, gathering her into a hug. “Oh sweetheart, I’m so sorry.”  

Rose didn’t even think about resisting. She threw herself into her mother’s arms and wept like a child. Jackie held her tight, rocking her back and forth on the tile floor, ignoring the dubious looks from passers-by. 

She kissed her daughter’s forehead. “You know, Rose, there was a time when I could fix everything for you. Any little problem or hurt you had, you would come to me and I would make it right.” Jackie swallowed hard. “But as you got older, as the problems became more complex, the less I could do for you. And now, here we are, I’m watching my incredible daughter, who has only ever tried to do good, hurt in a way I can’t heal. It’s frustrating and, half the time, I’m encouraging you to move on as much for my sake as yours.”

“I can’t just move on, mum. M’sorry,” Rose replied, wiping at her nose. 

Jackie was already nodding. “I know you can’t, luv, and I understand. I couldn’t really let your father go until, thanks to that mad alien of yours, he came back to me. Even saying the words out loud, it sounds impossible.”

Rose sniffled. “That’s what the Doctor does, make the impossible possible. Which is why part of me can’t believe this is how it ends. I promised him forever.”

“You listen to me,” Jackie said, rubbing her hand up and down Rose’s arm. “That Doctor of yours isn’t the only one who does the impossible. I have seen you do things that amaze me, Rose. If you don’t want this to be the end; don’t let it.”

“I can’t, mum,” Rose said, shaking her head. “The Doctor said it could destroy both universes if I tried to get back.” 

“So? You are Rose Tyler; you can find a way. I believe in you. And you know what?” she asked, giving her a gentle shake. “So does he.”

--------------------------

Rose was jerked from the distant memory, when Jack collapsed in the chair beside her. The laundromat was packed on the stifling summer day. If not for the scent of detergent in the air, the smell of body odor would be overwhelming. 

Both Rose and Jack were dressed in the last dregs of their summer wardrobe, which for Jack meant a white vest and loose pair of shorts. For Rose, it meant an uncomfortable day squirming in the tightest denim shorts she owned, trying to keep her too large knickers from peeking out the top. Thankfully, the oversized Beatles shirt that Rose had stolen from Ianto months ago was doing a good job covering any slip ups.  

Jack bumped her shoulder. “Sorry about this. I’ll get a guy over to look at the washing machine this week, I swear.”

“It’s not your fault; I could have done it, too,” she replied with a dismissive wave. “In any case, never too good for the coin laundry.”

“Yeah, but I told you I would take care of it.” He shook his head. “Too bad the Doc isn’t around. He’d have it fixed in no time.”

“Or blow the flat to kingdom come,” she said with a delicate snort. “And there is no inbetween.”

Jack laughed. “Yeah, I remember.” He went quiet, rubbing his palms together. “I’m sorry if this is bringing up bad memories.”

“What? Whaddya mean?” she asked. 

“You have that look on your face.”

“What look?”

“The one that says you’re thinking about him,” Jack replied.

Rose smirked. “Shows what you know. I was thinking about mum.”

He raised a skeptical brow that said he wasn’t really buying it and slung an arm around her shoulder. “He’ll be back for you one day. You know that, don’t you?”  

She nodded, leaning into his side. “I know, Jack. I know this isn’t the end. I won’t let it be.”

#domaystic2022 #day 8 #sfw #doctor who #rose tyler #jack harkness #jackie tyler #ficlet #jack+rose #angst

[prettyboypucey]

Weird ~ G.W.

Summary: George is gorgeous. Charlie is a meddler. The snow is cold. (this summary sucks...just read it) 

Pairing: George Weasley x Y/N 

Word Count: 2,404 (who do I think I am?) 

Warnings: mentions of bullying. mentions of food/eating. george is unknowingly triggering? reader cries. idk? let me know if i missed something. 

A/N: part 2? maybe? translations are for romanian via google translate. do not come for me if they are hella wrong. 

Translations: draga - darling; dragoste - love; tampit - stupid 

     I had never been normal. From the time I was a toddler I had stars in my eyes and dirt on my knees. While the other kids in my grade were playing with dolls and dressing respectably, I was riding imaginary dragons and wearing mismatched socks with dungarees and a butterfly headband. Normalcy evaded me even further when at 11 years old, I got a letter declaring me a witch.

     When I first came to Hogwarts I spent the majority of my time alone. It appeared that even children who could wave a stick around and makes things fly wanted nothing to do with the colorful little girl. Meeting Luna Lovegood in my second year was the best thing that had ever happened to me. Here was a girl who allowed me to be exactly who I was with no judgments. And then she introduced me to Neville Longbottom and Ginny Weasley, and suddenly that little girl who thought her only friends would always be the rocks she painted faces on, had found her people.

     Of course, being friends with Ginny Weasley meant knowing her many brothers. So after graduation when I went off to Romania to work with dragons it made me feel slightly better knowing Charlie Weasley would be there. He quickly took me under his wing and became the older brother figure I had never had. After working together for three years, and electing to stay at the sanctuary for the last two over the holidays, he had finally convinced me to come home with him. I was reluctant to leave the sanctuary - the one place I truly feel safe (despite the massive fire breathing creatures).

     Charlie had warned me that being with one or two of the Weasleys was very different from being with the entire Weasley clan. Obviously I knew Charlie and Ginny, Ron had always been nice to me, and I had met Molly a handful of times in passing. However, Bill was known to be quite intimidating, Percy was supposedly very no-nonsense, and the twins (albeit never cruel) had a reputation of being hell-raisers.

     Apparating to the edge of a marsh with Charlie by my side I could see the rising structure haphazardly balanced slightly ahead.

     Pausing, I glanced at the back of the familiar red covered head, “I don’t know Charles, maybe I should just go back. I really don’t want to be a burden.”

     Charlie very quickly rounded behind me to continue guiding me towards his home, “No, no, no, no, no. No. You’re not a burden to anyone draga. Keep your head up and if any of them give you grief - remind them of the giant, winged beasts you can feed them to.”

     Quickly placing a kiss to the side of my head Charlie bounded ahead again to open the door and announce your arrival. Before I could toe off the first boot to leave next to the dozen other pairs in the entryway, a pair of arms had flung around my neck.

     “Y/N! I missed you so much!”, Ginny pulled back, keeping her grip on my shoulders, to inspect for any major injuries.

     I held onto her elbows, keeping her close, “Hi Gin, I missed you too. A lot. I’m loving this new look by the way.”

     She reached up to brush the now short locks behind her ears. A grin on her face as the two of us looked the other over for the first time in months. Ginny was wrapped in a pretty baby pink sweater with shades of red and white running through it. The material was soft against my palm as I hooked it around her crooked elbow to follow her into the living area.

     “You know”, she started, “I was starting to think maybe Charlie had let you get eaten or burnt to a crisp in the land of dragons. It’s been so long since you’ve come to see me or left the sanctuary.”

     “I’m sorry Ginny. It’s just that after everything, I had to keep myself busy.”

     Ginny’s smile softened into one of understanding. The war had taken a part of all of us. Although Fred had recovered after many months, that fear of almost losing such a vital part of their family had rocked the entire Weasley family to its core.

     “I get it, I do, but I worry about you. I just want you to know you’re not alone Y/N.”

     I pulled the girl into another tight hug, “I know.”

     Ginny pulled away first, clearing her throat, “Okay! Now that’s out of the way - it’s time to introduce the one and only Y/N L/N to the Weasley’s.”

     I hummed, “Hmmm and which of us should be more scared?”

     “Oh definitely the Weasleys.”

 ~~~~~~~~~~~

     Meeting the Weasley family had gone much better than expected.

     Molly had opened her arms and home to me as if I was one of her own children. By the time the night was over she had me stuffed full of warm food and drink and donning my very own coveted Weasley sweater, the lavender initial in the middle marking it as my own. Arthur had been very interested in my muggle parents and upbringing, questioning me about the functions of a rubber duck. Bill and his wife Fleur were the most stunning couple I have ever seen, and not nearly as intimidating as people portrayed them. Fleur was pleased when she found out I spoke a bit of conversational French and promised to have me over to Shell Cottage (apparently they have an amazing collection of wind chimes that I am dying to see). Percy was a bit more refined. Completely polite and friendly but he seemed reserved. Ginny had explained in one of her letters how much guilt Percy carried after the Battle of Hogwarts over how he had behaved in the years leading up to that day.

     The twins were much different than I remembered them being from the few times we were around each other in school. The physical differences were clear - George’s missing ear and Fred’s dragging limp were both signs of the prices they paid in the war. More than that however, they had matured greatly. They were still happy and made sure to pull at least two pranks over the night, poor Molly nearly lost her voice after they blew up the turkey. However, there was something in their eyes that had been dimmed. Especially in George.

     His twin almost died that night, and it reflected in George’s eyes each time he looked at his older brother. It was clear that he was still afraid because whenever Fred left a room George followed, never letting his brother out of his sight, and if he happened to lose track of him a panic began to swirl in his brown orbs.

     I was in the middle of watching as George yet again made his way to Fred’s side, clapping a large hand on his twins shoulder and throwing his head back in laughter.

     “So which one are you staring at dragoste?”, Charlie whispered as he appeared out of nowhere.

     I ignored the burning in my cheeks as I looked away from the scene in front of me.

     “I am not staring at either of them tampit.”

     “Mhmm, sure, absolutely, I believe you.”, after a quick pause he said, “It’s George isn’t it?”

     I turned and scoffed at him, “No!… How did you know?”

     Charlie let out a chuckle, “Because I know you my little dragon. I also know my brother, and just between us, he definitely likes you as well.”

     At this I let out an incredulous laugh and glanced back to where George was now telling a story, his hands moving animatedly. There was no way that George Weasley had even a remote attraction to me. He was kind, strong, clever, and so bloody gorgeous it truly was a privilege to look at him. And I am…me. Nothing special. Just a girl who had more dragon friends than human ones and whose hands were covered in scars and callouses and whose socks never matched and had never even kissed a man before. So no, there was no way that George Weasley would ever like me.

     “Hey. I know that look Y/N. Stop those thoughts right this bloody second.”

     “Charles it really is annoying when you read me like that.”

     Throwing his arm over my shoulder he began to lead me towards the twins, “Yes I know and I am sorry in advance but this needs to be done. Fred!”

     Charlie’s voice had gone from a rushed whisper to a jovial shout when we reached George, Fred, and Ron by the fireplace. George’s smile as he turned to look at us sent a million butterflies off in my tummy.

     “So Freddy, I was hoping you could help me out with a top secret project tomorrow for mum and maybe show me around the joke shop. I heard you added some new displays that I want to check out.”

     “Sure Charlie”, Fred glanced at George as he spoke, “I’m sure we can make some time for our favorite brother.”

     Ignoring Rons protest, Charlie gripped my shoulders and pushed me in front of him, “Actually George I was thinking you could stay here and show Y/N around the area. She mentioned wanting to talk a walk tomorrow and I would hate to disappoint her on her first Christmas out of the sanctuary.”

     “Um-”

     I interrupted the rejection coming from George, “No please, I would hate to be a bother and make you be stuck with me all day. I’m sure Ginny can take me.”

     George smiled and shook his head, “No it’s completely fine Y/N. I would be happy to show you around.”

     “Okay great! It’s settled then!”, Charlie looked rather too pleased with himself and obviously missed the look exchanged by his identical younger brothers.

~~~~~~~~~~

     The next morning the Burrow was a flurry of movement as everyone began their day. Apparently Charlie and Fred weren’t the only ones on their way out. The others still had some last minute gift shopping to do and Ron was spending the day with Hermione’s muggle family. After breakfast, a quick wink from Charlie, and a slam of the front door - George and I were alone in the house.

     The two of us stood facing one another in the living room for a few awkward moments before George spoke, “Well, um, did you want to head out as well?”

     “Oh sure! Yes, let me just grab my boots really quickly.”

     George led me out the door and onto the snow covered path towards the small, iced over river. Nothing was said for a while, the only sound was the crunch of snow under our boots and the occasional sniffle from one of our red noses. I was mentally imagining all the ways I was going to kick Charlie’s ass when he got back for suggesting a walk in the middle of winter when we came to the top of a hill and stopped.

     Everything as far as the eye could see was blanketed in sheets of white. Stomping my boots down into the fresh snow, I couldn’t help the giggle that escaped as the snow gave way underfoot. Feeling a pair of eyes on me I remembered that I wasn’t alone and turned to see George watching me with an unidentifiable look on his face.

     “Sorry, sorry. That was - I don’t know why I did that. I liked the feeling of the crunch of the snow I guess. Sorry.”

     George grinned, “You don’t have to apologize. It was cute.”

     I could feel my face flush at his words. His smile grew even wider at the sight of my heated face. My gaze dropped from his pretty face down to my boots. I could feel the thick socks I had on beginning to grow cold and wet from how long we’d been outside. Looking back up I could see George’s deep eyes glaze over. Assuming it was because he had been apart from Fred so long I glanced out at the view one last time before turning back the way we came.

     “We should probably get back. We’ve been gone a while and my toes are getting wet. I feel bad enough that Charlie forced you to do this anyways without you getting frostbite or something. I’ve had frostbite, it’s not fun. And now I’m rambling. I’m sorry. Sorry”

     George was shaking his head at me and said, “You are so weird.”

     Ouch. My chest tightened and the small smile I had been wearing dropped from my face. If I had been able to see past the tears forming in my eyes that were making my sight blurry, I would have seen George’s face do the same. Unfortunately, all I could focus on was that word. Weird. Strange. Abnormal. Freak. 

     Weird weird weird.

     The walk back was silent. A thick tension surrounded you both as thick snow flurries began to swirl down in the midmorning air. Just as thick was the lump forming in my throat as I fought back tears. I know I shouldn’t let his words affect me. He’s just some guy. But deep down I also know that he’s not just some guy. This is George fricking Weasley. With his stupid perfect face and gorgeous eyes and his loyalty to his family. I couldn’t help but be enamored with him from the moment I walked in the Weasley’s front door. So it hurt to hear the man I liked call me that nasty word that has haunted me my entire life.

     When we finally reached the Burrow, George tried to reach for my arm but I pulled away and ran into the house. I could hear that some of the others had returned and really wanted to avoid a confrontation. Once again, luck wasn’t on my side. Charlie came walking out of the kitchen and saw me in the entryway. His face immediately became concerned at the sight of me and he lowered the sandwich he had from his mouth.

     “Draga?”, Charlie’s voice followed me as I finally reached the stairs and launched upstairs.

     As I reached the first landing I heard him speak again, his voice rough and hard.

     “What did you do?”  

#george weasley #george weasley imagine #george weasley x reader #george weasley angst #george weasley fluff #harry potter fanfic #harry potter fanfiction #harry potter writing #harry potter imagine #hp imagine #charlie weasley #charlie weasley x platonic!reader #charlie weasley imagine #hp #harry potter

[bluethepineapple]

Mr. and Mrs. Wilkins: A Closer Look into Hermione's Modification of Her Parents' Memories

Hermione's modification of her parents' memories is one of the biggest sacrifices we see in the series. It is an act that is commonly talked about fandom as one of courage and love, but I find that the discussion rarely goes beyond that. As such I wish to examine further the nuances of that decision further.

A common interpretation is that Hermione modified her parents' memories to keep them safe, but upon closer reading, this is actually how she explains the rationale behind her decision:

“I’ve also modified my parents’ memories so that they’re convinced that they’re really called Wendell and Monica Wilkins, and that their life’s ambition is to move to Australia, which they have now done. That’s to make it more difficult for Voldemort to track them down and interrogate them about me—or you, because unfortunately, I’ve told them quite a bit about you.

Her main concern is that her parents might have information about her or Harry, and her changing their memories is her way of mitigating that danger. Far more than protecting her parents, this is a measure that is designed to keep the mission safe. And the idea that this is merely a mitigating measure is important to remember because it implies that them being captured is still very much a possibility for her.

Both the act itself and her reasoning implies a cold, ruthless streak that does not spare loved ones or family if she believes them to be in the way of her goals. The mission comes first, and she will do what she must to see it through.

The next part of her explanation is just as interesting.

“Assuming I survive our hunt for the Horcruxes, I’ll find Mum and Dad and lift the enchantment. If I don’t—well, I think I’ve cast a good enough charm to keep them safe and happy. Wendell and Monica Wilkins don’t know that they’ve got a daughter, you see.”

This line transforms the memory modification from a simple pragmatic act to a gift of love. Where the first section is her prioritizing the war over her parents, this second paragraph turns that around and presents it as her last attempt of taking care of them even after her death. She can't keep them safe. She can't stay with them. She can't even let them stay the same people.

But she can do this. She can keep them happy in her own terribly messed up way.

Furthermore, this paragraph showcases Hermione's own acknowledgement and acceptance that this war might kill her. She minces no words about the possibility of her dying. Death is an eventuality that she had seriously considered and prepared for - prepared her family for.

And lastly:

Hermione’s eyes were swimming with tears again. Ron got back off the bed, put his arms around her once more, and frowned at Harry as though reproaching him for lack of tact. Harry could not think of anything to say, not least because it was highly unusual for Ron to be teaching anyone else tact. “I—Hermione, I’m sorry—I didn’t—” “Didn’t realize that Ron and I know perfectly well what might happen if we come with you? Well, we do. Ron, show Harry what you’ve done.”

Whatever else I said about ruthlessness and acceptance, it is clear in these final lines that these decisions and measures are painful to her. This was not a decision she made lightly or callously. Nor was it made out of a disinterest in their welfare. There is a lot of pain and baggage that accompanies her erasing herself from her parents lives. There is grief that she cannot hide nor run away from no matter how focused she is in preparing for this mission.

And yet she modified their memories anyway. Here she is in the Burrow rolling her eyes at Harry's concern because she had already chosen her path, and nothing he says or does will dissuade her. Despite the pain she feels and the danger she foresees, it's not a decision she regrets or even questions.

Here, we see the strength of her will, her decisiveness, and steadfastness.

Conclusion:

Hermione modifying her parents' memories showcases her at both her best and her worst.

There is such ruthlessness in this decision that it takes my breath away every time I read it. She had made peace with her parents forgetting her, possibly never remembering her, of them getting caught and getting tortured for information, and even her own death. She had considered all of these possibilities - even made one her reality - and deemed them completely acceptable if that is what it takes to fight in the war. It is a commitment to duty to the highest extent, and she pays the price of that willingly and painfully.

She knew perfectly well all the possible consequences of this path, and yet even after all of that, it is still the path she chose. And one that, we will see later, she will never deviate from no matter what staying costs her.

And yet even here, there is love. Love that sought to do what she can for her parents even past her death. A love that was ultimately not enough, but one that tried to do right by them even when there were no good options. A love that ended in grief and loss, but also a love that persisted anyway.

This entire scene was such a terrible mix of ruthlessness and choice, of pain and love, of courage and duty above all - and how all of that is contained in Hermione. She is a wonderfully immense and multi-faceted character, and this scene captured that complexity beautifully.

#hermione granger #hp meta #hermione meta #my metas

[dreamescapeswriting]

Bereavement ~ LF [Request]

⤜WORD COUNT: 2K

⤜PAIRING: Felix X GN!Reader

⤜GENRE: reader going through grief, felix being there for them

⤜Copyright: © DreamEscapesWriting - April 2022

A/N: I’m so sorry to hear about your mum my lovely random anon, I’m always going to be here if you need someone to talk to, a shoulder to cry on xx

⤜MASTERLIST

Grief took on many different forms and in different stages, denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. It took time to try and accept what had happened and it was hard. There was no set time for how long a person was supposed to grief over the loss of a loved one and Felix was going to be there for you, no matter how long it took. He'd been there every step of the way, as much as you tried to push him away it wasn't going to work.

He knew that no matter what he wasn't going to let you go through any of this alone. The two of you had practically moved into your family home, you wanted to be close with your mum as much as possible even if she was no longer there.

"Babe?" Felix questioned as he walked into the living room, you were sitting on the sofa where you'd been sitting for what seemed like days. You were dressed in one of your mother's old shirts, it still smelt like her and you didn't dare move in it in case it took the smell away.

"You need to eat," Felix barely whispered as he slid over the bowl of food on the coffee table, your eyes stared down at the steam that was coming from the meal.

Everyone had been sending care packages to the house since they found out where you were staying. The whole home was filled with flowers and food as if any of that was going to bring your mum back or make any of this easier to deal with,

"I'm not hungry," You mumbled, staring back down to the photo album that was sitting beside you on the sofa. It was filled with photos of you and your mum together over the years.

"Please...You didn't eat breakfast or lunch, just eat a little." Felix begged, sitting on the other side of the album watching as tears rolled down your cheeks. Every time you blinked another tear fell down onto the album until you broke down into a sob. The second you did Felix took you into a tight embrace, wrapping his arms around you as he rubbed your back softly. 

There was nothing that anyone could ever say to you that would make you feel better and he knew that. He knew that right now you wanted to be alone but that wasn't what you needed. You needed to be surrounded by people that loved you and cared for you no matter how much you wanted him away from you.

"Leave me alone," You begged, voice cracking as you began to sob against his chest. Never once letting him go, subconsciously you knew that you didn't want him to leave but your mind wanted him out of the house.

"I know baby, I know." He whispered as you finally relaxed your body, just crying against his chest wetting the shirt he was wearing. Felix didn't care if you screamed at him, he didn't care if all you did was ignore him he wasn't going to let you go through a single thing alone. 

It had been a month since the passing and you still were just as distraught as you had been when you'd found out the news. The gifts from people around you hadn't stopped coming since the funeral and you were sure the house was starting to look like a flower shop. 

"I hurt," You whimpered as you finally stopped crying, Felix's hands slowly run up and down your back as he nodded his head.

"What hurts baby?" He whispered, looking down at you as you rested your head on his chest, staring over at the fireplace that displayed photos of your mother. Every time you looked at them it seemed to hurt more and more to see her smiling so much.

"Everything," Your voice broke as he wiped the tears from your cheek, holding your face in his hands as he smiled weakly. Everytime that he held you, you felt as though he took a little of your grief away with him not much but just enough.

"You're doing great...I know that right now it's hard but soon-" You got up from the sofa, the last thing you wanted to hear right now was that it was going to get better. 

That was all anybody had said to you but it didn't feel that way. It felt as though someone had punched a hole inside of your chest and ripped out one thing in your life you never thought you would lose. You felt empty and alone. 

"Don't say it, don't..." You begged as you began to sob again, Felix racing over to you as he nodded his head. You weren't ready to hear it but it was going to get easier, it would get a little easier to get out of bed every morning and each day you would gain a little more energy back.

"Come on," He whispered, wasting no time he picked you up from the floor and began heading in the direction of the staircase. He would bring you some food up to once you had calmed down a little, but right now he was going to make sure you rested. 

"Lix," You groaned as he took you into your bedroom, it was the only room other than the living room and bathroom that you could stand to be inside of. You didn't dare go into your parent's room but you knew you were going to have to eventually. 

"I'm sorry-"

"Don't you dare," He cut you off, sinking down onto your bed as he pulled you onto his lap. You had no reason to be sorry for what you were feeling,

"Your feelings are valid, you're hurting and rightfully so baby," He spoke so certainly of himself you almost believed him but you hadn't been the nicest to him or anyone lately.

For the first month you'd ignored everyone and anyone who came close to you, you were rude to them. From the moment at the funereal Felix had been nothing but great to you, doing everything that he could to help you through what you were going through.

He'd moved into your family home, took care of the cards you were being sent as well as made sure to freeze any food that wasn't going to be used. Then there were the flowers that seemed to never stop arriving, he always made sure to ditch the dead ones and place the new ones in view of you. 

Not only that but he had taken on responsibilities as if he was married to you, looking after the home itself including you, always making sure you didn't have to do anything for yourself.

"I haven't been good to you," You admitted as he shook his head, running his fingers up and down your spine as he tried to get you to sleep.

"You're grieving, you could hate me and throw plates at me and I would still be here," He promised but you sniffled, 

"I don't want to hate you...I-I-" You couldn't finish what you were saying, you could feel the bubble in your throat you always got before you would start to cry. 

"Shh, just go to sleep. I'll be here when you wake up," He promised, as he noticed just how sleepy you were beginning to get. Eyes struggling to stay awake as you lay still in his arms, fingers bunched into his shirt.

"I'll always be here," He whispered as you gripped his shirt tighter, too afraid that you would wake up and find him missing but Felix wasn't going to move.

He didn't care if it took a week or 10 years to grieve, Felix was never going to leave your side. He was hopelessly in love with you and was going to be there for the rest of your life.

As Felix tried to say it did begin to get easier for you, every day you would wake up you felt it a little easier to pull yourself from the sheets and get on with the day. Each day you found yourself having a little more energy than you did the last. Though, of course, not every day was like there. There were days when you couldn't bring yourself to get up and that was okay too. Felix was there for you on those days and every other day in between. 

"Are you sure you want to do this today?" Felix quizzed as you both stood at the door that led to your mother's room. It hadn't been touched in almost six months now and you were ready to do what you could. 

"Yes," You whispered, more so trying to convince yourself than your boyfriend. There were suitcases in each of your hands as Felix opened the door to the bedroom, you were greeted by the bright sunlight that was pouring into the room from the window. 

"We don't have to do this if you're not ready," He reminded you as you slowly began to walk toward the wardrobe. It was getting closer to your time up in the home, the landlord had given you as much time as he could.

"I'm ready," You whispered as you ran your fingers along the clothes inside of the wardrobe, Felix standing at the door as he watched you closely. It was the first time in a very long time that he'd seen you smile so much, he was sure your cheeks would be hurting by the end of the day.

"We can take some with us or dontate-"

"No...We should pack them up, put them into storage." You cut him off, not wanting to donate anything that was once your mother's and Felix nodded. 

Slowly the two of you began to pack up the clothing into the suitcases, Felix had gone back to his car to get a few more when you'd found something inside the back of the wardrobe. A small box filled with photos, some were of your mum as a child and then others were of you. Little keepsakes were filled inside too, the bracelet from the day you were born, along with your first dummy, blanket and other items you'd long since forgotten about.

"I text Chan to bring...some more...Baby?" Felix questioned as he dropped to his knees beside you, you were crying but this wasn't like the crying you had done before. This was happy tears as yous smiled down at the things in your hands

"What's this?" He chuckled looking at the small bracelet you were holding, it had your full name and date of birth written across it. 

"She kept all of this stuff," You whispered as you began to show him everything that was inside of the box explaining stories that you had behind any of them.

More months began to pass and when Felix thought you were ready he gifted you a box. Smiling at you as you began to open the box revealing a blanket made with pieces of your mother's shirts and hoodies. Inside the box was also a small bear with your mum's voice inside of it. 

"Felix..." You whispered, voice cracking as you took the bear into your arms pressing its paw and smiling as you heard the voice box inside begin to play. He'd been planning this for a while and knew that you would be ready for it soon,

"Is it okay? I-I just wanted you to have something inside of it being stored away forever," He whispered as you attacked him into a hug, hiding your face in the nook of his neck as he chuckled a little. He could feel your tears running down your face but he secured you in his arms,

"It's perfect." You whispered as he pressed kisses to your shoulder, holding you tightly in his grasp not wanting to let go for even a second.

"Thank you," You whispered as he nodded, rubbing your back softly as he smiled brightly at you. The two of you stayed there a little while longer, just until you were ready to get up and move again, finding the perfect spot for your teddy and the blanket in your home. You'd been so lucky to have Felix by your side throughout the whole thing and you were going to do everything you could to thank him for it all.

Tagline: @minholuvs​ @taestannie​ @sw33tnight​ @acciocriativity​ @mwitsmejk​ @taeechwitaa​ @justbangtanthingz​ @stillwithlix​ @lolalee24​ @yubinism​ @ethereallino​ @aerastus​ @kimahnjung98​ @halesandy​

#skz #skz x reader #skz imagine #skz imagines #stray kids #stray kids x reader #stray kids imagine #stray kids imagines #lee felix #felix #felix x reader #felix imagine #felix imagines #lee felix x reader #lee felix imagine #lee felix imagines

[dayshipper]

Jiara Theory - season 2

Ok so I literally just finished watching s2 and I absolutely have no doubt that Jiara is endgame. This is my whole take on it. Keep in mind that I've only watched it once, so these thoughts are my first impressions on what I think is going on with Jiara and where I think they're heading. I've avoided my feed like the plague until I finished this as well. It's also a long one, so buckle up!

Kie and Pope First of all, I think we need to talk about Kie and Pope. A lot happened this season. Kie and Pope were on again, off again for most of it and things just got a bit weird. In the beginning, I think that Kie's interest in Pope is all to get her mind off of everything that just happened with John B and Sarah. She thinks her friends are dead and doesn't want to dwell on it. Pope, I think, is aware of that and knows that maybe her intentions are not all that sincere and that she might just be using him to distract herself from feeling something other than grief and anger. Her asking him if he wants to hook up in the first episode kind of came out of left field and just proves how all over the place her mind is at that moment. She is being impulsive and rash. Pope can see that and admits that to her, telling her she is just high and 'overcompensating' which won't help how she feels. Her response, 'helps me', kind of solidifies that that was in fact what she was trying to do. Even after they all realise that John B and Sarah are alive, Pope and Kie's relationship is still very hot and cold. Kie has a lot on her shoulders with everything that is going on at home and has basically been threatened into exile if she doesn't stop hanging around the Pogues. I think Kie is having a tiny identity crisis of sorts. She has all the luxuries of a Kook, but all the spirit of a Pogue (so deep). Her parents' disapproval of her being with the Pogues and ending up as one weighs heavily on her. She has grown up with these boys and doesn't believe that anything has to change just because she is older. I think her behaviour with Pope and her fickle interest in him reflects her inner struggle - she's at war with herself. When she acts interested in Pope it seems like she is trying to get back at her parents in some way maybe. And he's the safest person to do it with. Kie's parents got pregnant as teens and her dad was a Pogue. Not to mention that Kiara's mum knew JJ's dad in high school (!!) so with Kie hanging out with his son I'm sure she's worried. Their fear that history will repeat itself with Kie and one of the Pogues is known to Kie and her pursuit of Pope, I think, is her acting out and resenting them for thinking that way about her.

Ultimately, Pope's reserved nature and partiality towards rule-following also don't bode well with Kie's personality. While of course she loves him for who he is, I don't think she finds him attractive because of it. I think Pope's subdued nature kind of holds her back in a way. Kie is a fighter and defender and will, no matter what, always stick up for what is right even in the face of adversity. Pope, on the other hand, is also all of those things but goes about it in a much more controlled and almost docile way. I think Kie kind of resents that about him sometimes, like when she was spray painting 'Murderer' on Ward's wall and he was disapproving of it all and kinda killing her vibe. These things make her question his identity as a Pogue. It's almost like she is trying to make him into more of a Pogue and kind of taunts him about it as well. When she offers him a blunt on the boat and asks 'which Pope are you going to be today?' its kind of a dig. I may be reaching but its almost like she is trying to get him to act more like JJ...? I mean, he is the epitome of a Pogue so kinda makes sense..?

All in all though I think it is safe to say that we can finally put Kie and Pope to bed. Nothing romantic is ever going to come out of their relationship again from here on out. Also, I have a feeling something might brew between Pope and Cleo anyways. Also, Cleo? Amazing.

Jiara Throughout Kie and Pope's tumultuous relationship, JJ is keen to find out what the go is between them. He wants to know how serious they are and constantly probes each of them to get any details he can. While this may seem like he is just trying to tease them, I think he genuinely wants to know because he just wants to understand it. JJ might be thinking 'what about Pope appeals to Kie?' and 'what does Pope have that I don't have?' While I think that he is quietly disappointed that it's not him, I think he ultimately just wants them to be happy. He'll sidebar his feelings for the sake of his friends.

Episodes 8 and 10 were some of my favourite episodes of the season. When JJ and Kie go to the Chateau and bump into JJ's dad we get some nice Jiara moments. First of all, Kie defends JJ and calls out his dad for being a shit father. She acknowledges how special she thinks JJ is and criticises his father's unforgivable behaviour. Not too long after, JJ overhears his dad torment Kie and calls him out for it. JJ later says that everything he has his dad ruins and omg, I nearly died! This was everything!

I think a couple of meanings can be taken away from this. The first is obvious, JJ's dad has pretty much ruined his life because he just takes drugs and drinks and isn't a reliable parental figure whatsoever. And then I think it could also go a bit deeper than that where his dad's abuse has psychologically affected him in a way that makes JJ believe that he will never be worth anything or measure up to anything better than what he thinks he deserves because of how he has been treated and brought up. As a result of that, he might believe that he could never be enough for someone like Kie, who comes from a good family and has more access to opportunities than he could ever imagine. His little admission when he gets into Kie's car following the whole ambulance incident reaffirms this when he basically accepts and believes that his life is destined to end up like his dad's.

I think this season made it even more clear that JJ has some hidden feelings for Kiara. I mean, when they were in Charleston and were spending the night in the back of the truck, JJ looked shattered after Kie kissed Pope's cheek before going to sleep. Like WHATT.  That also killed me. 

And I know he addressed everyone but the way his eyes landed on her when he says 'you're it'. My heart. That cannot be a coincidence.

I feel like we still don't really know much about how Kie feels for JJ. While she thinks that he's unpredictable and a bit of a hothead, I also believe that this kinda excites her. She watches on in disbelief while also secretly admiring him. JJ is a showman. He is theatrical and is always looking for some kind of reaction. He's a go big or go home kind of person and while Kie thinks that he acts idiotically sometimes, I think that she genuinely really loves that about him. Where Pope holds back and doesn't want to step over the line, JJ completely goes for it and doesn't care about what it might mean in the long run. He lives in the moment. Much like I think Kie does. I think season 2 made it clear just how similar JJ and Kie are. They're both impulsive, passionate, carefree, fearless and unafraid of how their actions might negatively affect them. And they bicker. A lot. One such moment is when they are arguing over whose fault it was for the lost footage from the camera when they saw Ward shoot Gavin. This scene also revealed how JJ thinks that Kiara always sides with Pope and never JJ. Maybe I'm reaching (again) but this could also have a double meaning like 'why do you choose Pope and not me?' kind of thing. Nevertheless, the last episode was EPIC. I can't get over it. When Kiara asks JJ if there was room for one more on his surf trip fantasy you could tell he was a little taken aback.

They were a lot more tactile and paired up together this season. JJ and Kie get beers together for their little celebration at the Chateau, JJ and Kie go to get Kie's dad's car, JJ and Kie bring beers to Pope and John B on the boat, JJ and Kie stay in the container, the list goes on. They are setting them up to get the audience (us) comfortable with the idea of them being together. Even though I think a lot of us were already keen on the idea from the get-go... I think this season was really set up to cement their relationship as friends who share a lot of the same qualities and hopes for the future. It also solidified their crazy chemistry and strong compatibility by simultaneously showing the incompatibility of Kie and Pope's relationship.

I think Kie is a constant for JJ in a way that Pope and John B could never be. Kie is much more in tune with how others around her feel and can be there for JJ in a way that none of the others can. Also, who does JJ text when he's caught in the ambulance and the police are after him? Kie. Boom.

So, where to from here? As I mentioned before, I think Cleo is going to be a new love interest for Pope. There were a few moments in that final episode that just gave me that feeling. I also think that they already have great chemistry. Meanwhile, I don't think that Kie will be all that bothered by it if that does happen to be the case, but I think the others might ask her how she feels about it anyway and I feel like JJ would be the one to bring it up. I think it would be less likely to be Sarah since Kie told her that she's just not in love with Pope, while JJ doesn't actually know what really went down with them (as far as we know) and for all he knows they just fizzled out or are taking a step back.

I think in the next season, we'll see JJ and Kie hanging out some more and maybe being a little more flirty. Maybe the others might question what the whole surf trip plan is all about, most likely Sarah, which could then open up a can of worms. But, of course, I'm just speculating. Season 3 hasn't been confirmed yet but I'm feeling pretty confident. They need to start filming like yesterday because I can't wait another year for more. I might just pass away.

Anyways, if you made it this far then you have my full respect and gratitude. Thank you so much. I know it's all scattered and I may have missed some things but I'll be sure to post more if I think of anything else. I literally just finished the final episode so I'm still reeling. If you're interested, I also did a Jiara theory post on season 1 last year that you can take a gander at.

#obx s2 #obx #outer banks #jiara #jj #kiara #jj x kie #jj x kiara #kiara x jj #jiara theory #obx season 2

[outsideratheart]

You’re My Future (Christen Press x reader)

You’re My Future (Christen Press x reader)

You and Christen had been together for a few years. You had met when Christen got called up to the senior USWNT.

Over the years you had both made a name for yourself in the soccer world, her being the speedy forward and you being the all or nothing midfielder. You both loved what you did for living but living the dream came with a cost. The cost was finally catching up with the both of you, all of the flights, minutes on the pitch and pressure from the press and fans.

Christen was so happy when it was announced that she was the first player to be signed to Angel City FC but that happiness didn’t last long. You were both trying to get over the olympics, sure a bronze medal was great but you both wanted gold and you blamed yourself personally as you were the captain no matter how many times your girlfriend told you otherwise.

When she told you that she was temporarily stepping away from international duty you were so proud of her. You wish you could do the same but it wasn’t that easy. In order for you to focus on your mental health you would have the step away from the thing that the helps clear you head, it was a lose lose situation for you.

“Y/N you get more stick and are under more pressure than me. I saw the way acted at the olympics when you thought I wasn’t looking. You cannot burn the candle at both ends and still expect to shine bright” Christen told you.

“I know but it’s not the same for me, I don’t have a family waiting for me” You instantly regretting it.

You stand there looking at Christen as she processes what you said.

“After all this time, you still don’t see me as family” She begins to say but you cut her off before things get much worse.

“Christen that is not what I meant and you know it”

“If I’m not family then what are we doing” Christen asks you as tears fall down her face.

This is what happens whenever you guys talk about this, it always ends up in a fight.

You watch as your girlfriend storms off into the bedroom you share.

“Chris, don’t shut me out. Let’s talk about this” you say leaning against the door frame. 

She doesn’t answer you so you put you ear to the door and you hear Christen sniffling. Your girlfriend was crying and it was your fault, all because you couldn’t walk away from soccer.

You had chosen football over everything, family and friends included but Christen showed you a life outside of soccer and it scared the crap out of you. She was it for you, she was what you wanted in life and now it was time to show her that.

When christen came out of the bedroom you were gone and by the time you got back she was already asleep.

The next morning started like any other, you went for run whilst Christen did her yoga then you both meditated together. It had been like this since COVID happened.

It was what happend next which shocked Christen. You was watching ESPN when it was released.

“Breaking news! Portland Thorns and USWNT captain Y/N L/N announces that she will be taking a break from club and country. I had the pleasure of speaking to Y/N personally about this last night and she told me that it was time to focus on her mental health which is completely understandable. She captained the team in the highs of winning the world cup and the lows of rio 2016” The new anchor and a close friend of yours says.

Christen hangs on every word the women says before turning to look at you.

She opens her mouth but you cut her off before she even gets the chance to speak.

“ I love you Christen Press” you tell her.

“I love you but I know what soccer means to you”

“You mean more and you are right, I need to take a step back. Soccer occupies after thought I have. How can I play better, how can I be a better leader. I don’t allow myself to be happy” You admit it out loud.

You phone goes off and you see several messages from your teammates.

Christen looks at you in shock as you turn your phone off.

“Y/N you don’t have to”

“I want to”

The both of you didn’t leave the couch until the early evening when Chris told you that she was meeting Tyler for some food.

“You sure you don’t want to come? We are going to that Thai place you like” She laughs as your head perks up at the word ‘Thai’

“I’m going to call some of the girls back” You reply

Christen is almost out the door before you run after her.

She looks at you amused. You look her in the eye before kissing her, surprised when Christen deepens the kiss.

“Bring me back some spring rolls” You ask making your girlfriend laugh.

You run over the window making sure she is gone before putting your master plan together.

A couple of hours later you hear Chris opens the door.

“Honey, I’m home and I have spring rolls” You says but you don’t answer.

Christen looks in the kitchen but its empty, she goes into the living room you’re not there.

It is only when she goes into your bedroom that she finds you.

There you stand in front of your bed which is covered in hiking gear.

You look at her and she is clearly confused by what she is seeing.

You walk over to your girlfriend reaching for her hands.

“After your mom passed you told me you wanted to leave, go somewhere were nobody knew who we were and completely disconnect from the world” 

You take a deep breath remembering it well. The loss of Christen’s mother was something you both felt deeply, seeing your girlfriend in so much pain and not being able to do anything about it destroyed you.

“There is this trail in Spain, it is called the Camino De Santiago” 

Christen smiles knowing what you are about to suggest.

“It takes 4 - 6 weeks. It will just be me and you” 

You look her in the eye.

“What do you say, are you ready for an adventure? Ready to do some soul searching?” You ask playfully.

You watch as christen struggles to speak, she is at a loss for words.

Instead of saying anything she pulls you into her embrace as she buries her face in the crook of your neck.

“Everyday with you is an adventure” She tells you.

“Pure cheese Christen Press”

“Shut up” She says slapping your arm.

“Is that a yes?” She nods her head enthusiastically.

“Good because we leave in a week” You tell her and her smile melts your heart.

That is the thing you loved most about Christen, her smile. Not matter what caused your sadness or pain, that smile would brighten your day.

A week later your adventure began and it was better than you could have ever imagined.

Your relationship with Christen was in a great place before the trip but now you felt closer to her if that was even possible.

Ever minute of every day you were with her and it made to look forward to the future you have with her.

She talked about her mother a lot which you knew was difficult but ever since she passed Christen focused on soccer so she never talked about her, not like this.

You talked to her about your early life, memories with your parents as well as their passing. You never talked to her about it before, she knew that had died but didn’t know when or how. 

This trip allowed you both to be completely open with each other and show the other one your vulnerabilities.

4 1/2 weeks later and you were almost at the end of the trail, ahead of schedule but what was to be expected from two pro athletes.

It was the last night, you and Christen wanted to watch the sunset one last time before heading back to reality.

You both sat on the blanket taking in the sights in front of you.

“Thank you Y/N” Chris begins to say “I really needed this. To be away from our hectic lives, to deal with my grief and to find myself again”

“I love you Christen, more than anything in this world. I would do anything for you because your happiness is everything to me”

You stand up.

“Before you all I knew was soccer but you showed that life has more to offer. When we met I knew your were special and I knew that I wanted to have in my life in any way I could. You are my first thought in a morning and my last one on a night. I first told you I loved you when when we won the world cup for a reason, because even though we were just crowned world champions all I could think about was you, I knew that from there on out it was you or nothing. I cannot imagine my life without you in it”

You get down on one knee and open the ring box causing Christen to gasp.

“Where did you get that?”

“I asked for your mum’s permission before she passed, the next day she gave me this and I promised her that no one will work harder to make you happy or cherish you more than me” You explain.

“Christen Annemarie Press, will you marry me?”

“Yes Y/N L/N I will marry you”

You kiss her with every fibre of your being, the kiss growing more passionate with every passing second.

Christen Press was your future and you could wait to spend the rest of your life with her.

#uswnt x reader #uswnt one shot #uswnt imagine #christen press imagine #christen press x reader #christen press one shot