#i hate myself more than i thought apparently

[ahgasegotarmy116]

Just Take It | Bonus Drabble 3

Summary: Morning sickness has hit you hard today but Jungkook's always there to take care of you no matter what mood you're in (A little glimpse into their future together) Pairing: Inexperienced f!reader x Best Friend's Dad Jungkook (20 year age gap) Word Count: 2.3K~ (honestly got carried away with this one lmao) Warning: Talks about pregnancy and throwing up lmao. Suggestive language but I think that's it lol a/n: This was an ask I got and again I wrote soooo much for it compared to how long my drabbles usually are so I figured I would give you guys a little peek into their future together and do a longer one 🤭 (written in almost one sitting so yeah barely edited) Start from the beginning

I slump down on the floor, taking in the cool bathroom tiles under m knees as I throw up for what felt like the millionth time today and I have to will myself to not lay down, seeking comfort from this constant nausea I've been granted with these past few weeks.

"It's okay baby I got you. Let it all out" Jungkook mumbles next to me, holding back my hair with one hand while he rubs my back with the other. Trying his best to provide some sort of comfort in my darkest hours.

Okay that was a little dramatic but morning sickness sucks alright. And by the way, such a misleading name since I've been puking my guts out morning, noon and night.

I lean my arm against the rim of the toilet and lay my head on top of that, the dizziness settling in moments later leaving me hurling again.

Once I've finished after spending what felt like hours kneeling in front of that toilet I'm finally granted some solace, although that nausea had now been replaced with a splitting headache.

Jungkook had suggested I take a nice long bath. One that's a little on the chilly side so it'll hopefully help the dizziness subside.

He's made it no less relaxing though, giving me a new bathtub pillow with candles lit all around (unscented ones of course since strong smells have been another thing that has made me sick) and my regular ginger ale slushy he always makes me every time I get sick.

Although he tried to leave me be so I could relax I was able to easily convince him into the tub with me, begging him to massage my feet. Something he was honestly more than willing to do.

"Anything for the mother of my child" has been his favorite phrase to use ever since I got pregnant and it makes me melt every time he says it.

"You feeling any better?" he asks, having moved up my legs a bit to massage my calfs as well. "Yeah, thank you" I mumble since any loud sounds or bright lights are just the cherry on top of the things that are trying to prolong this headache.

"That's good" he says giving me a soft smile, a pained expression hidden behind it, wishing he could take away some of my pain. 

"Were coming up to the second trimester right? The doctor says morning sickness usually stops once you finish up the first" he tries to encourage me, hoping to give me a light to see at the end of the tunnel.

"We've got about two weeks left" I say, sinking down further into the tub, dreading the thought of living like this for the next two weeks. "I'm sorry Bunny. If I could I would take all of this away and put it all on me. I hate seeing you like this" he finally admits what's been on his mind recently, even though it's been very apparent with every look he's given me.

"You know that I love you right?" he says, moving closer to where I am and gives me a kiss before sliding in next to me and and moving me over to where I can sit between his legs, making me lay against his chest.

"I love you too" I whisper, taking one of his hands and playing with it while the other one rubs my baby bump that's getting bigger and bigger everyday. "You're so strong for doing this for us. I'm so proud of you" he mumbles against my neck, kissing the skin there and making me truly feel so loved.

I just feel so complete with him. Like there's nothing else in the world that I could possibly want. Except for this little bean that makes me puke up every single thing I dare to eat.

"How big is it right now?" he asks, referring to the pregnancy app I downloaded. "The size of a Kumquat" I giggle, thinking about the fact that a baby that small could make me so sick.

"What's a kumquat?" he chuckles right with me, confused by the unfamiliar fruit. "It's like a mini orange but...not" I say, not super confident in my answer. He laughs again and I sigh before continuing.

"It's like the size of a really big grape...but it's citrus" I say, trying to help him visualize it but he just laughs at my efforts, switching from rubbing my tummy to hugging, pulling me in as close as he can.

I pout when he still hasn't made moves to tell me that he kind of understands what I'm saying but he just trails a few more kisses down my neck instead.

"Should I go get some next time I go to the store?" he says, changing to feather light kisses making squirm at the ticklish sensation. "You want to eat our child?" I say, turning around in his embrace, breathing in the most dramatic gasp I can muster and he rolls his eyes at me.

"You know what I mean" he groans and I respond by giving him a kiss, one that's more full of life than they have been for a while.

"The bath made you feel that much better huh?" he smirks, taking in the light in my eyes again. "Yeah, also you helped me feel better. Just a little bit" I say holding up my pointer finger and thumb bringing them close together.

"Just a little bit huh?" he says, cocking a brow at me and I know I've made a mistake, or a terribly terribly delicious mistake. Maybe a little bit of both.

"Yeah just a little bit" I say, challenging him. He quickly stands up and gets me out of the tub, drying the both of us off for a few seconds before pulling me into the bedroom and throwing me on the bed. I giggle at his actions and watch as he crawls on top of me while cup the side of his face, bringing him in closer to kiss me.

"Seems like I should try a little harder huh?" he chuckles dryly and I feel butterflies in my stomach. I wonder what the baby might feel when that happens. Do they know how nervous their daddy makes me feel sometimes?

Once we kiss for a little bit I push back on his shoulder, take in a deep breath and then push him off seconds later, running back to that same place, kneeling before that porcelain throne yet again.

He trails in after me after having put on a pair of boxers, kneeling down beside me and again trying to comfort me.

"I'm sorry" I say, trying to calm my breathing after having finished and he chuckles. "It's okay it's not your fault. I guess it's just gonna be something we gotta get used to" he says and I furrow my brows, questioning his words.

"We'll have to start being careful so we don't wake up the baby once they're here" he teases and I roll my eyes, laughing along with him at the thought of being interrupted by our children late at night.

"Hopefully that won't happen too often" I breath out, starting to focus on my breathing to stop myself from retching again. "You just gotta learn to be a little more quiet" he teases, poking me in the ribs making me push his shoulder lightly but he sways right back over to me.

"It's not just me you know" I scoff and he continues to be amused at my efforts of defense. "Whatever" I grumble, standing up and flushing the toilet before cleaning myself off again and brushing my teeth.

"Come on Bunny you know I love you" he says following me back into the bedroom and over to the closet so I can pick out something to wear to bed. "I also love all those pretty little noises you make for me" he whispers in my ear, caressing my belly again but for more sensual motives this time.

I throw one of his t shirts over my head, trapping him under it for a second before he pulls away from me so I can put it on the rest of the way. 

I forego wearing anything else since I pretty much sleep naked most nights. The t shirt being a relatively new edition to provide some sort of warmth if I have to rush to the bathroom in the middle of the night.

I pull back the covers and lay in bed, him following close behind and getting in next to me, pouting from the feeling of being shut out from the silent treatment I'm giving him but he gives me time to take a breather. 

"Can I hold you?" he asks in a tentative tone, not wanting to push it but still wanting to be close to me. Instead of answering I reach my arm back and grab onto his and throw it over me, taking his hand and placing it on my belly where he immediately starts to caress it, bringing those fluttery feelings back again. 

"I love you Darling" he mumbles into my neck after having come closer, my back up against his chest again, our legs tangled together while he encompasses me in that love that is truly palpable. "I love you too Daddy" I mumble with a smile on my face and he smiles against my skin. 

"Should I start calling you Mommy?" he teases, rubbing my belly and making me laugh. "Maybe when the baby gets here" I say, and he leans down so he can be eye to eye with my bump and starts talking to the baby. 

"Hey there you little Kumquat, you better let Mommy sleep tonight you got it? She's getting cranky with me when all I wanna do is love her" he says and I wack him upside he head, leaving him groaning in fake pain and I laugh while he continues to talk to the baby. 

"See? All I was doing was telling you to treat her better and then she goes and hits me. We're gonna have a serious talking to once you get out of there missy!" he says, and I laugh again, now choosing to run my fingers through his hair instead. "And now she's rewarding me, I don't know if I should praise you for that or still scold you" he pouts. "Be nice to the baby he doesn't know better" I chuckle and then he looks up at me, shocked at what I'm insinuating. 

"You hear that? She called you a boy! How rude. You're obviously a girl" he counters, the two of us still at odds on the gender of this baby. "How are you so sure?" I question, curious as to why he's been so dead set on thinking it's a girl. "I looked it up" he says sitting up so he can state his case. "Oh really?" I say sitting up and mirroring his posture, the both of us with our arms crossed over our chests. 

"Yup it says that excessive nausea is primarily linked to girls" he says, clearly proud of himself. "Oh yeah?" I question, cocking a brow at him (a habit I've picked up since I've been with him). "Yeah" he says, leaning over me to grab my phone on the nightstand, unlocking it and looking it up before showing me an article. 

"See" he says, and I roll my eyes. "Just because one article says that doesn't mean-" I'm interrupted by him grabbing my phone out of my hand and going back to the google results page before giving it back to me. I scroll and scroll and scroll and see that a vast majority of them support his claims. 

"Ha! Look!" I say, picking out the one article that says it's linked to boys. "Grasping at straws aren't we?" he chuckles. "Whatever" I huff and lay back down.

We get back into that position we had been in before, him leaning over me to talk to be baby again. "Goodnight baby, sweet dreams. You know I love you no matter what you are" he says and places a kiss on my bump making me caress his head again, wondering how I got so lucky. "But I secretly hope you're a girl" he says, mumbling it right against my stomach as if him continuing to say it would change the outcome. 

"Alright Daddy say goodnight for real this time" I chuckle, signaling him to lay back down so we can go to sleep. "Goodnight my love. See you soon" he finishes, placing one last kiss and laying back down to hold me again. "I swear you sweet talk that baby more often than you sweet talk me" I tease and he pinches one of my nipples in response. 

"Hey! Those are sensitive" I whine and he chuckles, tapping twice on my hip telling me to calm down. "Lets go to bed grumpy" he says, pulling me closer when I try to push him away. "I swear both of you are always ganging up on me" I grumble and he chuckles. 

"It's our job isn't it?" he says moving his hand this way and that on my belly almost as if he was doing a secret handshake with them. "I swear" I breathe out and all I hear is him starting to have a conversation with the baby again.

"Love you Mommy" he teases, acting as if he was the baby and roll my eyes. He follows it up giving me a similar sentiment, this time deepening his tone and saying it right in my ear. "Goodnight Mommy, love you" he says, placing one last kiss on my neck "Goodnight" I whisper back leaving him holding me tight, finally settling down. 

I'm greeted a few moments later with the sounds of his soft snores, my forever lullaby. "Love you too Daddy" I whisper barely loud enough for anyone to hear but it brings me comfort, knowing that soon those words will be echoed throughout our home for years to come.  

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[onyxmistkes]

WHY DID I DECIDE TO TORTURE MYSELF BY ANIMATING ON ONESSSSSS

#art #animation process #i hate myself more than i thought apparently

[the-breadwizard]

Hungarian village in Slovakia gothic

You know who most of the people are. They know who you are. Everyone is a stranger. Except the grandparents.

You see more and more strangers nowadays. You instinctually hate them. You don't know what they are doing in Your home and it bothers you. (it's your home, not theirs, even though you only spend your weekends there, now).

You know two languages by the time you're fourteen - you were taught to despise one and all those who speak it, that on some level they are your enemy, and anyways, they hate you so it's only fair (it wasn't by your teachers but everyone around you), and to love the other, that it is sacred and it is an unreplaceable part of your identity and that They will try to take it away from you. It is unclear who They are.

You grew up knowing that even though this is your home, it was-somehow-taken from you. It was over a hundred years ago. You have to mourn it. You have to. Even your grandparents weren't alive when it happened, but it has to hurt you the same way it hurt everyone then. Otherwise-do you really belong to us?

Behind the community centre are injection needles thrown everywhere. When you were eight, you saw someone sitting there, holding their arm. You didn't quite understand what was happening, but it scared you.

A few years later you can name those from your school who you know deal drugs. You know where they live. You pity them, but don't care much anymore.

Your classmates didn't like you much-but you didn't like them much either, so it was alright. You find out some time later that at least half of them are related to you.

There are statues of saints all over the village. You know what they stand for even though you were never taught about them. There is a Virgin Mary on a road in the middle of the fields. There's also one not far from your house. You hope they will protect you.

The language you speak has words in it that people from two villages over don't understand.

Your grandparents use words you don't understand.

There is a bog in your backyard. Well, more like a lake, but the reeds get closer every year.

The house is decorated with stuffed animal carcasses and deer skulls. Hunting is the only thing you've ever seen your grandfather really care about. You wonder if it has to do something with his military enlistment.

The only thing you ever wanted was to leave here - and it's like the Fields around the village can feel that. Every time you go there, you find something watching you. A hawk, a hare, deers, pheasants. They look directly at you. And don't move.

The Fields - long, empty pieces of land. You know the next village is only five kilometers away. You can't see it. In the summer, when the corn grows tall, it becomes like a wall all around. The canola flowers flood them twice a year - after you pass them, you can't really get the smell out of your nose. For a long while.

You're not fazed by the noise of shotguns - it is hunting season after all. It is always. Be careful when you go into the forest.

Your dad taught you how to shoot with an airgun at ten, for seemingly no reason. You have never been hunting. It's good to know how.

Someone is living in the forest. You've never seen them. Still, be careful. You can never be too careful.

Everyone calls it a forest, but really, it's just a couple of trees most likely planted less than fifty years ago to catch the wind. You can't exactly get lost in them, i mean, most of them are in orderly lines, grown to be cut down later. It's smaller every year.

You were raised to be cruel right from the start. You were praised for killing slugs and frogs and the animals that were unwanted.

You come home from school one day. There is a half-skinned rabbit hanging next to where you always put your bicycle. It will be finished later.

There are always new bones for the dog to chew on. Bigger. More bloody. It still kills the moles that are too slow.

You know the smell of raw meat. It is everywhere in the cellar. You also know how it smells when it's rotting.

There aren't many things to do, anywhere, without going to a city. Most people don't do that. After all, you can drink at home too. Or behind the community house. Or in the forest.

There was a murder a few years ago. You know the house where it happened, you passed it hundreds of times. When you go out with your friends, your mother tells you to be careful. Always more careful.

And don't you smile. You do not get to smile. You should always look at least emotionless. You should be miserable and bitter and pointless like the rest of us decent people

you do not get to remind us of everything we could have been, you have to rot away right here where you were born, you do not get to get out

..................

Come, have a beer. And a pálinka. And another. And another. Another

@mist-the-wannabe-linguist @alexandrintea @thuja-the-gay-monster-lover you get a tag too mert átérzed

#got an ittybitty bit more #khm #depressive #than i wanted #it might be personal but this is genuinely how it feels most of the time #everyone gets bitter after a while #also this also propably goes for most smaller villages in imma say eastern europe #theres just a few specific parts that only go for being raised hungarian in slovakia by a community who were convinced by those before them #that just because who we are the world is always going to be against us #and therefore it is rightful to hate everyone #it fucks with you and i had to make myself unlearn it because *apparently* we refuse to get past our traumas #and i have a lot of thoughts and feelings about that

[musical-chick-13]

Cannot BELIEVE I had to have a conversation with someone where, after I complained about people Not Wanting To Write About Women, I then had to explain that yes, I DO write about men sometimes, actually; no I don't hate men; yes I write from the POV of the men in numerous cases and also analyze them.

#I know this person's comments were not meant maliciously but like. still. wild. #no I am in fact not on some weird gender essentialist bullshit because I want to complain about how a bunch of people don't seem to #care about women in stories. 'well how many times do YOU write about men' YOU'D APPARENTLY BE SURPRISED ACTUALLY!!!!! #MORE OF THIS CURRENT PROJECT IS FROM THE MALE CHARACTER'S POV THAN THE FEMALE CHARACTER'S POV #(granted I couldn't like. TALK about said current project to this person because why tf would I do that to myself when the subject matter #is what it is and I need to retain some sense of self-preservation but like. still.) #(like I think I actually have a pretty even mix of things I write from a man's pov versus a woman's pov. it depends on what concept #I'm trying to write about and which character I think would best serve that end. why is this. a surprise to you.) #(I even thought about genderbending a m/m wip before deciding it really did work better as a m/m story based on what I was Trying To Say) #the reason that 'not all men' was so disparaged is not because we inherently hate men. it's because people were trying to take a #discussion about things that DISPROPORTIONATELY HAPPEN TO WOMEN and making it about not hurting the feelings of men who #are not involved in this. and I shouldn't even have to fucking explain this because SOMETIMES THINGS ARE JUST!! NOT ABOUT YOU!!!!!!!

[sillyfudgemonkeys]

Ok y’all want true copium? Here’s a thought that really tore me up: Analyzing the P3Re Dorm Room layout to see if it’s going to be the same as Vanilla/FES or P3P.....and giving my dumbass hope that we’ll get DLC based off the door format. *sobs*

#persona 3 reload #p3r #p3re #*sobbing* #i just want femc #or metis #just give them back damnit *sobbing* #this thought flashed through my mind playing p3p and I don't think i'll be able to recover #no one hates me more than myself apparently ajfkdsajfljsdaf

[snekdood]

Dude.. my ex boyfriend totally did get me into conspiracy theory shit, even if unintentionally (i think its intentional im sure he believed in that shit. Would not surprise me at all.) At the time i was already pretty isolated from anyone online who mightve countered any of my dumb spiritual or alien related beliefs because of some dumb shit i said online making most of the friends and followers i made online generally avoid me, depending on who it was. I was just a regular pagan and then he showed me this weird video with all this weird conspiracy theory symbolism in it. I looked it up later on and looked up the meaning of the symbolism and came across a whole bunch of stuff posing itself as Secret Information The US Govt Doesnt Want You To Know About, etc. And then i just fell deeper into the conspiracy theory pipeline, traded my paganism for new age beliefs, and goddamn dude. Like we both got suspended from school bc he had a dumb idea to dumb shit there and i spent my time in detention fucking. Trying to read "the emerald tablets" or whatever tf. Its all coming back to me rn.

#anyways im not about to let yall make me feel guilty for falling in this direction anymore bc i was fuckin 14 and didnt know SHIT about us #politics aside from lgbt ppl deserve rights and to live like everyone else and same w all the other minorities (even tho i probably still #had issues i needed to work on around those things. still generally i wouldve considered myself progressive but apolitical) #and i was already at the time rejecting my christian upbringing and trying out satanism and paganism and such and so #i had a very rebellious mindset at the time. i also hated authority so the first antiesrablishment thing i saw i clung to bc it was #*close enough* to how i felt. none of that shit ever outwardly stated (at the time at least) that anything was abt jewish ppl and i was #filling in the parts about 'child sex rings' to be about christians bc thats how i knew them to be like. it just like. seems so obviously #something a christian would try to do. like a creepy priest or something. i imprinted my own meaning onto it #im not saying it was good but i definitely didnt go into it and stick to it for reasons some ppl might wanna believe #i was way more on the spiritual leaning side and the ~secret spiritual meaning~ of the world. like the flower of life or fuckin. #shit like how theres. idk. a fucking disc or something thats supposed to go on top of the great pyramids that super enlightened #people can only navigate like a spaceship or some shit? #idk the mythology of it all really fucking enraptured me. and i still liked the reptilians even tho they were supposed to be evil and #apparently an antisemitic dogwhistle. i thought it was the annunaki or whatever i was supposed to hate. at least. #the opinions were pretty mixed back then. admittedly i didnt really look up other ppls opinions on that stuff other than articles ppl wrote #like no forums or anything really. which is probably a very good thing i avoided those lol. regardless i thought of the reptilians #as being more neutral but generally looking out for themselves kinda like. the way a reptile would ig. but now that ik its a dog whistle #it really took a the magic out of all of that stuff for me :/ im disillusioned to say the least lol. #all that new age shit was appropriation. christianity rebranded. or weird shit people made up about atlantis or whatever sjjsksks #my favorite was the oceanis one where theres a star system where whales and dolphins come from #like that one was my favorite to believe in dhdjjsksksbdhs #imagine being on a star planet diving around in the sea of light u_u anyways it still sounds fun shsjskskwne. #i hope that one is at least more tame. though im sure its still somehow connected to everything else which im p sure it is #dude all of this information is just resurfacing about all of this shit. i could totally write a whole thing about all the conspiracy #theories i learned about. i might if only to make fun of it all sjdjksksks #yall ever heard of FUCKING david willcocks???? #his willing cocks??????? #his fucking ass #and gaia FUCKING tv #all that dumb shit

[awek-s-archived]

.

#aweks.txt #hate saying this bc it’s exactly what the hate anons from last night were aiming for but I do wanna die a lot rn FJSJFNSN #I always say if smth is justified fair enough and. no matter how ppl wanna keep saying that it wasn’t baseless. it really was #just because you can’t read doesn’t mean the rest of us relate to that too #i thought I was pretty clear but I’m not gna sit there and write out points about everything they said abt me while trying to give my #personal opinion on what I thought abt what they initially said #in their very first message they accused me of hating trans ppl and said ‘fuck you and her’ while going hard w the hate #then accused me of not being trans #then proceeded to weaponise their own identity bc I wasn’t playing into what they wanted me to act like #and I’ve been thinking abt it all night and I reached out to mutuals more educated than me to talk it out and such #people who are ACTUALLY from the communities the anons were claiming to be in #who said that it really was a huge witch hunt just for no reason #i get life is hard for everybody and it sucks but I can’t imagine hating myself so much that I go on anon to tell someone to fuck off and #then say that I’m glad I ruined their day #like that’s just. fucked up esp since you don’t know me #not to mention all the lies they told including that apparently they interact w me all the time which just isn’t true 😭 lol #anyways #all this to vent one final time and say that I’m gonna have anon off indefinitely #and just quietly work on my requests and my interactions with my mutuals :) #and just honestly to remind people that no matter how much you hate someone (in this instance me) #it doesn’t justify making things up about them or putting words in their mouths or generally making it your life mission to make their day #awful and then say you’re proud of it 😵‍💫 like I pity you. sincerely. i hope you find what you’re looking for in life and take a break from #the Internet bc you truly need it #everyone who was nice to me and dmed me I want to say thank you again and I really appreciate all your words

[icedille]

the wall of not doing things has been absolutely awful lately and i genuinely have no idea why anymore. like i am just stupid why do i feel like i'm being crushed by a mountain every time i try to focus. what is going on lol

#ok i do have some theories but considering how much tamer everything is currently it. does not convince me #like maybe it's the fact that i'm putting 90% of my mental energy into um. both thinking and avoiding thinking about certain things? #idk it's weird. i'm trying to keep myself from spiraling and so far maybe it's working? but i wouldn't say i'm not doing any obsessive shit #like currently i just spend most of my days being nervous and tense and not doing anything and sometimes i. remember and go #'ooh that's right this is where all my brain cpu is going' #but idk. again i'm not spiraling it's way more manageable than it has been other times. but maybe that's exactly it #i am managing and it's taking. a lot of effort. that apparently i cannot put into studying anymoree #i kinda wish i could just have a mental breakdown about it and move on but history has shown that this doesn't work <3 #anyway. i hate to say it but honestly part of it could be that i have not seen my therapist in two weeks #too much bullshit thoughts nowhere to vomit them so now they're just. festering #i mean i am very obviously currently trying to exteriorise a bit with those way too long tags #will it work since etiquette is keeping me from being specific. who knows #anyway trying with the linguistic again. goodbye

[dragonanon]

I love that when I start questioning my child free stance in life, the universe IMMEDIATELY reminds me of why I don’t want kids. 🙃

#i had to do a short visit with a woman today and got to listen to her baby scream for 15 solid minutes #i could BARELY focus on what i was doing because it was so distracting and i couldn’t even put headphones or something in #i ended up ending the appointment sooner than i would’ve liked because i couldn’t take the screaming #but even then they STILL stuck around for several minutes because she apparently simply had to nurse then and there #which normally wouldn’t have been an issue but i’m booked back to back all day today and NEEDED to get the room ready for the appointment #and you can’t really do that when you have someone breastfeeding and a baby daddy who did fuck all to comfort the baby #i will NEVER be cruel to a baby or small child #but i avoid them as much as humanly possible for this VERY reason #loud shrill noises like that fuck with my head #and it’s even worse when i’m in a position where I’m ‘’trapped’’ and can’t just leave and go elsewhere #the amount of rage and irritation i feel when i hear a screaming baby/child is actually scary to me #like i was getting close to snapping and demanding her baby daddy gtfo with the baby so i could actually focus #i could sense that feeling coming though and wanted to avoid letting myself get to that point so I ended the appointment early #it’s this rage that makes me staunchly child free #the LAST thing i want to do is create a life that will have to endure me resenting it for triggering my noise sensitivities #sorry if this comes across as overly critical i swear i don’t truly hate babies and kids #i just get FAR too overwhelmed and overstimulated around them so it’s better for everyone that i enjoy in small doses from a safe distance #i will HAPPILY be the cool aunt that plays video games with you and lets you eat Cheetos for dinner #but i could NEVER be a mother #at least not a GOOD mother that is and that thought distresses me more than the thought of kids themselves 😬 #i’m fucked up as it is i couldn’t forgive myself if i fucked up some poor kid too #child free #childfree #sorry for the whole rant/ramble in the tags here #just REALLY needed to vent because that was stressful af for me

[crabs-nonsense]

Guys. Depression. *melts into the floor*

#im okay tho!!! #i learned that apparently people genuinely care about me and vague posting concerning stuff and then disappearing can be bad #once said something and disappeared and came back to comments such as crab im going to hunt you for sport for scaring me and i was like what #crab says words #anyways my new meds ive been on for two weeks now have a warning that they can cause increased suicidal thoughts and i have depression #so im like is this just my depression be depression or is it the meds and honestly who knows aha #im not worried about it tho because the warning is for hormone imbalance making you sad not the meds magically putting thoughts in your head #so when youre an aethiest who believes you stop existing when you die and fear not existing more than anything in the world well.... #i can be sad and hate myself and hate existance and wish i wasnt here as much as i want i will never end up dead over it #small mercies #ive been having so many bad depression days lately it sucks #ive managed to not hard spiral because my friends are really cool about being there if im going through it and reach out #im just bad at the reaching out part aha #i dont want to be a burden and i have been brushed off and ignored when reaching out too many times so #its hard for me to do sometimes #my work around is not addressing the fact im reaching out for that reason at all and just being like yo wanna play video games with me #its been decently effective :D

[spacelazarwolf]

apparently a bunch of ppl on social media are trying to call for a boycott of rick riordan because of this statement in a blog post:

Becky and I are just back from a busy weekend with events at the Boston Book Festival and New York Comic-Con.

Before I get into that, however, some words to acknowledge the ongoing horrors in Israel and Gaza. As many of you may know, I am no longer on social media. My accounts post only updates on my books and related projects. I do not read posts, reply to posts, or share my thoughts about world events on those forums. That doesn’t mean I don’t have strong feelings and reactions. It means I am offline as completely as possible, except for the occasional blog post like this one.

I will say this: Over the last eighteen years, I have received many fan letters from young readers, both Israeli and Palestinian, who often told me that my books helped them escape the fear, grief and anxiety they were dealing with at the time. Some had lost family members to violence. Some were writing while in the distance they could hear explosions, gunfire, and the launching of rockets. They used my books as a way to escape into another world, where the monsters were fictional, and where demigods usually saved the day. While I am always glad that my books can help young readers find joy during difficult times, my heart breaks every time I hear about the things they have to deal with. I am grief-stricken by the horrific events now unfolding, especially because I know that they are part of a long historic pattern that has been robbing too many children of their childhood and perpetuating hatred for far too long.

I am also quite aware that when anyone, myself included, tries to speak about this issue, the reader is waiting to pounce, thinking, “Yes, but whose side are you on?” That is exactly the wrong question. If there are two sides to this issue, those sides are not Palestinian/Israeli or Muslim/Jewish. The two sides are humanitarian and dehumanizing. Dehumanizing has a long evil history. It is appealing and easy to buy into, because humans are tribal animals. We are hardwired to think in terms of ‘us’ versus ‘them.’ We are the real humans, the good guys, the ones with God on our side. Those other people are evil monsters who don’t deserve empathy. Hate mongers have thrived on dehumanizing for as long as there have been humans. It provides them with a purpose, a way to rally support, power, and scapegoats. It is easy to point to atrocities committed by our enemies, while justifying or minimizing the atrocities committed by ourselves or our allies.

Humanitarianism is a much harder sell. It requires us to empathize, to see other groups of people as equally deserving of dignity and quality of life. It requires not always putting ourselves and our needs first. But in the long run, humanitarianism is our only hope. If violence could end violence, if we could put an end to “those other people” once and for all, human history would read very differently than it does.

So yes, I am appalled by the Hamas attacks on Israeli civilians. I am appalled by the suffering of Palestinian civilians in Gaza. Both things can be true. Both things must be true. My thoughts are with all the people who have died, who have lost loved ones, who have had their worlds and their lives shattered, especially the children. More death and violence will not break this cycle, which has been going on for generations. There is no military solution. Even since I first wrote the post, only twenty-four hours ago, the Israeli government’s brutal retaliation against the entire population of Gaza has reached genocidal proportions. This is not only an atrocity. It is folly. Answering misery with misery only creates more fertile ground for extremism, dehumanizing the “other side,” letting hate mongers thrive, stay in power, and reduce us all to our most monstrous impulses. The only real solution is treating each other like equally worthy human beings, and negotiating a peace that allows all parties a chance to live in security and dignity, with hopes for a future that does not include bombs and rockets and gunfire. This means security and support for Israel, yes. It also means a secure Palestine which is allowed to get the international aid and recognition it needs to build a viable state.

Do I think that will happen? Unfortunately, no. Humans are simply too selfish, too ready to blame “the other” for all their problems, too ready to dehumanize, though I also believe, perhaps paradoxically, that most people just want to live their lives in peace and have a chance for their children to have a brighter future. The problem is when we don’t allow other people to have those same hopes and dreams — when it becomes a false choice of us versus them.

What can I do? I will continue to write books that I hope will give young readers some joy. I will resist the urge to demonize entire groups of people. I will call for less violence, not more violence. And when asked whose side I am on, I will tell you I am on the side of humanitarianism.

So with that said, I return to the world of books . . .

honestly, if you have a problem with this statement, it’s probably because he’s talking about you. this is exactly what legitimate activists (as in not just random westerners who share social media posts but on-the-ground activists who are doing real work) have been saying for decades. and i think all this really speaks to just how disconnected a lot of westerners who claim to be pro palestinian are from those activists.

if you can’t read a statement that says “i am on the side of humanitarianism and less violence” without immediately jumping to cancel them, you are the problem being discussed in the above statement.

#ip

[on-my-vigilante-sht]

Mine

Luke Castellan x Reader

Requested by: @officiallenalove like imagine the reader is like a daughter of Poseidon and we know he’s not around most of the time and she meets Luke and they like fall in love but she’s never known what healthy love looks like so it’s low key angsty but happy at the same time yk?

Summary: "You are the best thing that's ever been mine"

Warning: crappy parents, angst, self doubt

Word Count: 2k

Masterlist

A/N Sorry this took so long I had a hard time choosing which lyrics/moments I wanted to write

You made a rebel of a careless man's careful daughter

Godly parents were always deadbeats. It was just a fact of half-blood life. But after spending years thinking I had no father, I was thrilled to have been claimed by Poseidon. It was naïve of me to think that just because he claimed me he’d be a good father just because I knew of his existence. I spent night after night praying to him, looking for some sense of guidance from him but never receiving anything. Eventually I learned not to bother with him or anyone else.

My mom had let me down enough times that I knew it wasn’t just gods that let you down. When she finally told me about my father she told me I’d be moving to a strange place. Not for my safety but because she didn’t want to take care of the daughter of the god that broke her heart. She complained endlessly on the drive over that my father never even bothered to offer her immortality, rather last she heard of him he was falling in love with another woman on Long Island.

She was dead to me after she dumped me at camp with hardly a goodbye. And then my father was dead to me when I begged for his help but received nothing.

~

I was a flight risk, with a fear of fallin' / Wondering why we bother with love, if it never lasts

Most of the other campers felt the same about their godly parents but it seemed like the only one who really understood was Luke.

“I mean, it’s like we’re nothing to them,” Luke ranted to me. We rant to each other a lot. “We’re just byproducts of their mistakes.”

“Gods, I hate men,” I groaned, lying back in the grass of the green. “Are all fathers this shitty?” I asked, looking up at Luke. I squinted into the sun as I peered at him accusingly. He moved his hand to block the sun from my eyes.

“I wouldn’t know from personal experience but I wouldn’t be this shitty,” he smiled cheekily down at me. He moved to lay back too, resting on his elbow. “I’d never abandon you.”

I could feel my chest tighten and I hoped it wasn’t apparent on my face. I just laughed, gently pushing his chest in a playful manner, hoping I was sparing him any embarrassment by making him think I thought he was joking. “You wish. You’d probably leave once the first diaper change comes.” I couldn’t even begin to consider loving him—or anyone—enough to feel abandoned by him. Thanks to my parents I felt more than enough abandonment.

He gave me a forced laugh as I sat up. “Yeah probably. I’d just be the fun dad.”

~

Do you remember, we were sittin' there by the water? / You put your arm around me for the first time

Later that day I found myself sitting on the beach of the Long Island Sound. The ocean was always sort of a sore spot for me because it was just a reminder of my father but it still felt calming. Like I belonged despite my father’s indifference.

As I stared out into the sound, zoning out, I let my mind wander to the conversation I had with Luke. That wasn’t the first time he had tried to hint at his feelings and he was a great guy but I couldn’t trust him. I didn’t have faith that he—or anyone for that matter—wouldn’t just let me down. How could I trust I wouldn’t let him down.

I was interrupted from my thoughts by the man himself. “Hey, can we talk?” he asked, coming to stand next to me. I just wordlessly gestured for him to sit next to me. He complied, taking a few breaths before looking at me. “I’m just gonna come right out and day it: I like you,” he rushed. “You don’t have to like me back or anything but I need to know that you know.”

I stared at him, my mouth agape. I hadn’t expected his boldness. “Um…” I had to take a second to structure my thoughts. “Luke, you’re a great guy. Any girl would be lucky to have you but you don’t want me.”

“Actually, I do I just said it,” he chuckled, trying to release some tension.

I laughed with him. “No, I mean I don’t think I can give you what you want. I’m not the best with feelings and I’m not entirely convinced that you, and everyone else in my life, won’t just leave me when it’s convenient.”

“Hey,” Luke chided gently, throwing an arm over my shoulder to bring me closer, “I meant what I said I'm not gonna abandon you. And if you’re scared, that’s fine, we can take this slow. If you really just don’t want a relationship that’s fine. I’ll still be by your side no matter what.”

Tears pricked my eyes at how thoughtful and caring he was being. Fortunately he couldn’t see them because my head was resting on his shoulder. “Okay,” I agreed, “I want to try taking things slow with you.” His grip on me tightened as he held me a little closer, like he was so excited you just have to squeeze something.

~

Braced myself for the goodbye / 'Cause that's all I've ever known

Things were great for a few months. Every time I began to doubt our relationship, Luke was there to help me. Giving me constant assurances and telling me how much he loved me. So much so that I started to feel like a burden to him. Like I was just a task he had to get through every week.

“Hey,” Luke announced his presence as he entered my cabin, “I haven’t seen you all day, what’s up?” he asked, looking around the cabin.

“J-just a second!” I called from a storage closet. I quickly wiped my tears and steeled myself, willing myself to look normal. Realizing he’d be wondering why I was in the closet, I grabbed a random blanket from one of the shelves. Taking a deep breath, I stepped out of the closet with a smile. “Hey.”

His face immediately dropped. “What’s wrong?”

Curse my puffy eyes. “Nothing,” I answered. He approached me but I just slid past him, dropping the blanket onto my bunk. “Why?”

“Your eyes are all red. What’s wrong?” he asked again. Once again trying to touch me but I just backed away.

“Must be dust or something in the closet,” I tried to dismiss.

His face hardened. “C’mon, Y/N I know something’s wrong. I don’t want you to hide things from me. I want to take care of you.”

At his words the dam broke and all the thoughts and feelings I had been dealing with bubbled over. “I don't want you to have to take care of me!” A look of hurt appeared on his face and my heart ached for him. “It’s not that I don’t appreciate it, I do. I just don’t think it’s fair to you to have to comfort me whenever anything little happens. It’s pathetic,” I spat at myself.

“Hey, no, you’re not pathetic,” Luke assured me.

“You’re not listening to me,” I insisted. “How can you possibly want to be with me when I do nothing but drain you?” I stared at him, waiting for him to realize that I was a leech and leave for his own sake. But instead, he just looked endeared.

“Y/N, you are the best thing that’s ever been mine. I don’t want you to ever think that you’re a burden to me. I love you and I love that I'm the one who brings you comfort. So please, just let me love you.”

My resolve broke and I went to him, letting Luke pull me into his chest. “What did I do to deserve you?” I cried into the warmth of his chest.

“I ask myself the same,” he returned, pressing a kiss to my head.

Masterlist

#percy jackson #percy jackson and the olympians x reader #percy jackon and the olympians #pjo #pjo x reader #pjo tv show #pjo series #the lighting thief #luke castellan #luke castellan x reader #x reader #Spotify

[calliesmemes]

ABSOLUTELY UNHINGED COMEDIC RELIEF

ASSORTED QUOTES FROM TUMBLR TEXTPOSTS, X (formerly known as twitter) POSTS, TIKTOK, MEMES, AND OTHER SOURCES AROUND THE INTERNET

CHANGE gendered words and in-universe phrases as needed.

SPECIFY muse for multimuses.

“   Currently considering becoming a bother and a nuisance, maybe even a menace or a rascal. ”

“   Hungry? Eat the government. ”

“   Yes, I wanna fuck after every argument. ”

“   Silence, you uneducated peanut! ”

“  They should invent a being alive that isn’t so difficult. ”

“   Women have to think I’m hot or none of this matters. ”

“   Due to personal reasons I will be named an enemy of the state. ”

“   Being overdressed is a myth made up by people who didn’t want you to have fun and be sexy. ”

“   What even are daddy issues? Just traumatize your father back. ”

“   I LOVE complaining! You can’t take that away from me! ”

“   I went to the silly goose convention and they all knew you. ”

“   I’m simultaneously ‘I’m tired of this grandpa’ and ‘that’s too damn bad!’ ”

“   The word ew coming out of a pretty girl’s mouth holds so much power … I think that it can tear apart nations. ”

“   Someone made fun of my shoes and the whole time I just thought of ways to push them out the window. ”

“   If you’re short, simply get taller. ”

“   I better think twice? Buddy I don’t even think once. ”

“   My off putting looks, awkward demeanor, and strange behavior have captivated you. ”

“   There’s something deeply, fundamentally wrong with you. Can we kiss? ”

“   You are a fool. When you walk, clown music plays. ”

“   I mean yeah he’s evil and all but what if I were his favorite? ”

“   I really do hate thinking. ”

“   In my defense, I simply do not vibe with the law. ”

“   I’ve done nothing wrong. Except all the atrocities. Besides that, I’m innocent. ”

“   Sorry I couldn’t hear you over my internal monologue. ”

“   Of course you have white hair and trauma. ”

“   So apparently the bad vibes I’ve been feeling are actually ‘severe psychological distress’. ”

“   Stop calling me a bad person just because I’m orchestrating your downfall! ”

“   The more lip gloss I collect the longer I live. ”

“   Sorry that I am obsessed with you in the unhealthiest way possible. As if it's my fault ”

“   The multiple failed assassination attempts against me have helped build both character and self esteem. ”

“   I could be your loser boyfriend. Do you ever think about that? ”

“   Accidentally went and got myself killed yesterday, but god wont let me die so I’m back ”

“   What do you mean napping isn't a good coping mechanism? What do you mean my problems are still here? ”

“   Academic validation is required for my sanity. ”

“   RIP to everyone killed by the gods for hubris but I’m different and better. Maybe even better than the gods. ”

“   Researching the stages of grief to see if I can get them finished in ten minutes tops. ”

“   My parents were like I’m gonna make a child that is so beyond help. ”

“   It’s not easy to admit when you’re wrong, and that’s why I won’t do it. ”

“   Why can’t this family ever have a funky good time? ”

“   How do I show people that I’m more than my unethical career choice? ”

“   I fucked my way into this mess, and I’ll fuck my way out. ”

“   You look so biteable today. ”

“   Why am I suffering? I have so many correct opinions and takes. ”

“   I AM HAUNTED BY A PAST THAT I CANNOT GO BACK TO! anyways ”

“   Challenging authority, angering gods. The family business. ”

“   Third base is me telling you about my father. ”

“   Hey girl. Plagued by terrifying visions? ”

“   Got caught giving a fuck. Embarrassing. ”

“   I didn’t ‘miss’ the red flags; I saw them and thought that they looked sexy. ”

“   Do my dark circles and deteriorating health make me look hot? ”

“   I get my news from the only reliable source, cryptic symbolism in my dreams. ”

“   Another day of being a bisexual disaster. ”

“   I’m going to let myself be a little unhinged today, as a treat. ”

“   Some of you act like murder is such a big deal. ”

“   You wanna hunt me for sport so bad that it makes you look stupid. ”

“   You’re not a girlboss unless you’ve killed someone. ”

“   It’s so weird how no one ever has correct opinions about things except for me. ”

“   Hello, my love — I mean, my rival ”

“   No one is calling me baby and it’s outrageous I can’t believe it. ”

“   No talking stage. Mutual obsession and you see god in my eyes or nothing. ”

“   I DON’T UNDERSTAND HOOKUP CULTURE DIE IN MY ARMS ”

“   Yes baby your emotional walls are high and impenetrable can we kiss now? ”

“   Affection is disgusting. Drown me in it. ”

“   I am gatekeeping my respect from you. ”

“   Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions. ”

“   I am equal parts fuck around and find out and please don’t yell at me I’ll cry. ”

“   Short legs, big butt. I’m a corgi. ”

“   Fuck being the bigger person; I’m going to start biting people. ”

“   Well that wasn’t very slay of you! ”

“   May I please get a crumb of affection? ”

“   I crave power! Please don’t yell, though; I’m sensitive. ”

“   You call it a near death experience; I call it a vibe check from God. ”

“   Here are some scissors. Now cut it out. ”

“   Might commit a little tomfoolery, maybe even some shenanigans. ”

“   All these flavors, and you choose to be salty. ”

“   How can I live, laugh, love in these conditions? ”

“   What if I said ‘to be honest’ but then lied? ”

“   I'm financially at a stage where I understand why people do fraud. ”

“   Yes I may be evil and morally corrupt, but I’m also incredibly beautiful and I think that makes up for it honestly. ”

“   Debates are stupid. Why would I want to sit down and argue with someone blatantly dumber than me? ”

“   I forget but I do NOT forgive.. I'm just walking around hating bitches can't remember why ”

“   Ding dong your opinion is wrong! ”

“   I’m coming for your kneecaps. ”

“   You dropped your nose you fucking clown. ”

“   Are you a fire alarm? ‘Cause you are really fucking loud and annoying. ”

“   Call me an escalator, because I let people down. ”

“   I love me a good lesbian scandal! ”

“   If you can’t run away from your problems, you’re not running fast enough. ”

“   Everything I want to do is illegal. ”

“   Don’t make me hit your ankle with my Barbie scooter! ”

“   I tell gay jokes because I am a gay joke. ”

“   Fuck! I dropped my mental stability! ”

#askbox meme #askbox prompt #rp ask meme #ask box #roleplay sentence meme #sentence starters #roleplay prompts #roleplay sentence starters #* sentence meme

[tootiecakes234]

First Kiss

Your first kiss with Katsuki was overwhelming…

The two of you have been friends since U.A. You’ve gotten so close over past couple years to the point where if your friends saw you they expected him not to be far behind and vice versa.

Best friends, that’s what you’ve settled with because you know Kat had 0 interest in you outside of that. You’ve seen the girls he’s hooked up with and you did not fit that type at all.

And don’t get it wrong, you loved being his best friend. He taught you stand up for yourself and you’d taught him how to speak to people with some level of respect. You guys were good together… yin and yang you liked to think

One night, you’re leaving a hangout you guys had at Mina’s place and Kat is walking you home. It was cool out that night and the moon was shining so bright you could still see the clouds in the sky. Apparently you had been gotten lost looking up at it.

“Oi, earth to y/n…. Get your ass moving. I’m exhausted and I’m ready to get home.”

When you come back to reality and look at him, he does look tired. It was almost 11:30pm and Kat had a strict bed time of 9:30…. 10 if he was feeling frisky.

“You do realize I don’t need you to walk me home. I’m a pro hero. I think I can take care of myself”

“Psh…. It’s not a criminal I’m worried about taking you out. It’s your clumsy ass coordination. You’re going to end up offing yourself if you don’t learn how to walk like an adult”

Ok so yea… maybe you had sprained your ankle last year while walking up some stairs. That’s wasn’t your fault tho… it was the stair ‘s fault.

“Are you ever gonna let that go?? Isn’t it getting a little old?”

“It still makes me laugh so nope…”

You rolled your eyes at him. He’s such a dick.

You were now walking up the same previously mentioned stairs to your apartment with Katsuki on your heels.

“ Are these the tights you were talking about the other day?? The ones that make your ass look “the best it’s ever looked””

“ Yea!!! Doesn’t it look amazing??!? I gave Mina the link while we were at her house because she mention how fantastic they looked on me”

“Sure I guess. I ain’t seen anything your ass doesn’t look good in but whatever you say”

You didn’t know what to say to that. He was just upfront like that. The man had little to no filter. Thank god you were at your door. You were unlocking it and about to go inside..

“Wait”

You turned around to look at him.

“What’s up”

“I uhm… well….”

“Come on, spit it out. I ain’t got all night”

He stared you directly in your eyes and said

“Fuck it”

Before you had time to react you were pressed up against the wall and his lips were on yours. Calling what happened a kiss seemed to be a real understatement. It was more like he was consuming you. More so than he already had. You got lost in him. Your hands were in his hair and his arms were around your waist pressing you against him.

When he pulled away you found yourself chasing his lips because you were afraid if it stopped, it might never start again.

“Next time, instead of bitching to raccoon eyes about how you don’t think you’re my type, just come straight to me dumbass. Since when do you keep secrets from me?”

You were really trying to pull your train of thought together but it was really hard when his lips still looked so inviting.

Kat realizes you’re not paying attention to him and flicks you in the forehead.

“Hey asshole. You know I hate when you do that”

“Then pull yourself together. I know I kiss like a god but that doesn’t mean you get to space out.”

He was smirking at you. Katsuki Bakugo had just kissed you and was now standing in front of you looking all suave and handsome. If you died here, you’d die a very happy person.

Your brain started playing catch and you realized something

“So you were eavesdropping on a private conversation?? And I wasn’t bitching… she was asking about you and me yet again and I was explaining to her that I didn’t think it’d ever happen”

You said the last part a little softer because you were embarrassed talking about all of this

“I wasn’t eavesdropping… it was shitty hair. Idk what you think my type is but apparently you got it all wrong”

He does not elaborate or tell you that you are his type. He just leaves it at that so you side step it

“I’m gonna kill Eiji…”

You guys sit there for a second until

“Anyways I’m tired . I’m going home to salvage the little bit of sleep I am going to get tonight. See ya later.”

And he turned to leave. Just like that.

“So that’s it… you kiss me, reveal my biggest secret and leave”

All you can do is sit there befuddled and confused.

“Yep. See ya tomorrow”

Katsuki actually leaves after that. He was not playing about his sleep. You do get a message about 10minutes later letting you know he’s home and also requesting the link to the tights you had on that night.

You ask him why he needs that and all he says is that you need them in more colors than just black… ha! You knew your ass looked good in these!

*you do not know until weeks later that in his head, that kiss was the start of y’all’s relationship. Asshole never does actually ask you but what else do you really expect from the angry Pomeranian?🤷🏾‍♀️

#imagine #bakugou x reader #bakugou drabble #I love him so much idk what to do with myself #drabble #katsuki bakugo mha #mha fanfiction #bakugo headcanons #bakugou katsuki x reader #fluff

[gravestrain]

I don't know how to feel, but someday I might (qh43)

in which Quinn will do just about anything to help his sweet girl.

This is 2.6k words of Quinn angst/fluff. It involves his girlfriend dealing with hate comments online. There are some hurtful things said about weight and appearances. This is a fem reader, with mentions of wearing makeup and dresses. She/her pronouns are used. Felt a little down lately and wanted to cheer myself up with some sweet Quinn. I hope you all enjoy this <3

There was almost nothing in the world that was easier than loving Quinn Hughes.

With his heart of gold and smile to match it, you found yourself falling in love with him almost instantly. It would have been impossible not to. To know Quinn is to love him. You doubt that there is anyone in the world who has met Quinn and has not been mesmerized by his charm and his raw kindness. Even his toughest opponents and fiercest rivals have nothing but kind things to say about your boy.

You met Quinn three years ago while you were on a girls trip at a rented lake house in Michigan. When you first saw your neighbor for the weekend, you were so caught off guard you tripped over your own feet and spilled your drink all over your feet. Quinn was quick to throw the towel he was holding out of his hands and on to your body to help you clean up the sticky mess that was now covering your body. Never mind the fact that in a house full of lazy boys, there was no other clean towels. It was just what he wanted to do.

Over stumbled apologies and blushing words, you exchanged numbers with Quinn. Neither of you were foolish enough to hide your intentions. At this point, you had both known you were only going to be in town for the weekend, but Quinn did not care, and neither did you. Your intentions were always to continue to talk to Quinn, even after the close proximity was no longer.

And you did. It was months of Facetimes and silly texts, until finally Quinn played a game near your town. Quinn insisted you came, and when you saw him again in the tunnels after the game, you knew you would never be able to move on, and Quinn felt the same way.

The start of the new season found you moving to Vancouver with Quinn. You were able to find a job similar to yours that was only 20 minutes away from Quinn's house. The choice seemed like a no brainer. And if you thought dating Quinn was a gift, nothing could compare to living with him. He was silly and considerate, adventurous and attentive. You found yourself falling in love with him more and more each day.

You were no stranger to Quinn's spotlight. It became more and more apparent to you when you moved to Vancouver. Almost every block had a Canucks fan, Canucks memorabilia, often sporting your boyfriend's face, loud and proud.

You were no stranger to the comments that other girls would make in the stands of Canucks games, or even at the bar while you were tucked right in to Quinn's side. They found Quinn to be as beautiful and as breathtaking as you did, and they paid no mind to the fact that you were hooked on his arm, or wearing his last name across your back, or even sitting with his family. Their intentions were to be with Quinn. They did not find you as a threat. But many made it their intentions to let you know that they were a threat.

You were public on social media, but with hardly any mention of your faceless boyfriend being Quinn Hughes. However, being the captain's girlfriend had automatically put you in the public eye, despite the fact that both you and Quinn tried your hardest to keep it on the down low publicly. It was challenging for Quinn to be in the spotlight at times, even after so long of being in it, and he wanted to make sure he tried his hardest to ensure that that spotlight never graced your wings. There was so much trouble that came with it, trouble that Quinn never wanted to expose you to. Nevertheless, some fans persisted.

"This is what you wear to stand next to the captain of the Vancouver Canucks? Maybe try a little harder next time," a comment had graced your post of your outfit from a Canucks gala. Despite your insistence that Quinn didn't pay for much, it hardly ever worked. Quinn had bought you the most beautiful dress, with a price tag you could not fathom. His insistence was that he saw you eyeing it on social media from a post of a fashion show, and he wanted you to have it.

The dress instantly made you feel beautiful, and Quinn's gaze and charming words made you feel beautiful tenfold. It was almost devastating how that feeling had disappeared so fast, just by the words and actions of a few cruel individuals who had made it their life's mission to tear you down.

Just one comment wouldn't hurt so bad. Unfortunately, there was tens of comments that point out a few flyaways, the creasing of your concealer, the cellulite on your arms, the rolls of your hips. You had tried your hardest not to let them bother you. But it bubbled up inside like a bad stew. When you find the one that hurt the worst, it caused you to sink to a feeling worse than you had ever felt. The comment read: "I don't understand why Quinn would want to be with a fat girl who does not know how to present herself in public. She has no redeeming features."

You tried your hardest to hide the comments from Quinn. You knew he rarely checked social media, so you made a promise to never let him know what they said and how they bothered you. You tried to insist to yourself that it was minuscule, it shouldn't matter. But the state Quinn found you in when he returned from his road trip was nothing but minuscule. It was no position he had ever found you in.

When Quinn FaceTimed you two nights ago after their game in Anaheim, you were wearing one of his Canucks blue t shirts, curled up in bed with your dog. When he walked through your bedroom doors, he found you in the same place, wearing the same t shirt, sporting the same hairstyle. His heart sunk to his toes. Were you hurt? How could he help you? What caused you to get into this state?

When he found you, your eyes were closed, but he knew you weren't sleeping. You had your head intentionally turned towards the wall, so as to not face Quinn. But even without seeing your face, he knew something was seriously wrong. And at that point, all he wanted was to see your beautiful face, to give him a little reassurance as to how you were feeling.

Quinn rounded the corner of the bed, kneeling down on the floor next to your head. "Hi sweetness," he muttered, running his fingers down the slope of your face. "Can I see your eyes, please?" He asked, causing you to shake your head lightly. He hummed at your answer, not wanting to push, but also knowing he had to get to the bottom of this.

"I brought you some takeout, your favorite. I know you have that project due in a few days and I figured you would be hungry." He had left the food on the table downstairs when he walked in to a silent house. No singing to music, no clambering of kitchen cabinets, no playing with the dog, nothing. The silence was eerie to him.

"I'm not," you muttered out in your smallest voice, cracking from lack of use, and even lack of water in your throat. You had a few sips over the last two days, but once it ran out, you couldn't get yourself to fill it. One of the only things you could manage to do the past two days was let the dog out. No matter how bad you were suffering, your sweet dog did not deserve to be punished for that. You let him out in the backyard only, not wanting anyone to see you walking on the sidewalk and be alerted by your state. There were a few other WAGs who lived in yours and Quinn's neighborhood, and at any sight of your despair, you know Quinn would have been alerted immediately.

"I'd like it if you could eat a little bit, though. I'm sure you're hungry, and your voice sounds dry. Can I fill your cup for you?" He posed it as a question, but he intended to fill it regardless of your answer. You shrugged, and Quinn took that as a win. He woke up your dog, assuming he had to go out. He journeyed downstairs and filled your cup. He also just let the dog out in the back, but promised a long walk in the morning. He only hoped you would come. It was something the two of you loved to do, walking the dog together after he came back from road trips.

As Quinn stood outside, the cold air biting at his shoulders, he tried to rack his brain of what could have possibly happened while he was gone. Did he forget something important? Did you miss a deadline? Did something happen at home? Nothing seemed to make sense, even when he tried to make sense of them.

Your dog was nothing if not loyal, so as soon as Quinn opened the door to let him back in, he bolted up the stairs to the bedroom, nosing his way through the door and back on to the bed with you. You put your hands in his fur, hoping to find some comfort in him. Silent tears streamed down your face. You saw the look on Quinn's face when he walked in to you. In a way, you were letting the trolls win even more. Quinn didn't deserve to come home to someone who couldn't get out of bed. At least, that's what the voices in your head were telling you.

Quinn walked quickly back up the stairs, but with less energy than your dog. He set your cup down on the bedside table, sitting on the edge of the bed, his hand rubbing your calf over the blankets. He knew at some point you would tell him what's wrong. He didn't want to force it out of you, but at the same time, Quinn had been alerted to the fact that you had not left the bed in days. He was concerned.

Your sniffle gave you away, not pretending to hide. Quinn knew you were struggling, and there was no point in trying to hide your mood. "Why are you crying, lovely? I'd really like to help you, but I'm not sure how," he muttered, leaning in to softly wipe your tears away. "It's nothing, I should be able to handle it by now." you muttered, hinting him to what was wrong without giving away any details.

"Handle what, babe? The roadtrips? I know they're hard. They're hard for me, too. I promise you're not alone in that." Your heart softened at his kind voice, at his genuine concern. Of course the roadtrips were hard, and in a way it helped to know that they were hard for him too, but you knew that wasn't what was bothering you.

You shook your head lightly, curling in further on yourself. At this point, Quinn was even more confused, but he knew that you weren't going to budge. "I'm just gonna get ready for bed, okay sweetheart? We can talk more in a minute," he went to get ready, and also to collect himself and his thoughts.

When he walked into the en suite bathroom, he felt his phone buzz in his pocket. Brock's girlfriend had texted him. His eyebrows furrowed in confusion. He had her number for a reason, but they obviously didn't text much individually.

"Hi Quinn, sorry to bother you so late," it started. "I was a bit worried about Y/N these past few days because she went radio silent over the weekend. We were supposed to have plans over the weekend, but she bailed with pretty much no explanation. So I did some digging on social media, and I found some pretty nasty comments on her most recent posts. I know people sometimes make comments to her at games, but these comments are new. I just wanted to let you know in case that was what was bothering her."

Quinn couldn't believe his eyes. These were some of the most hateful things he had ever read. And he had no idea they were saying things at games. He noticed that you started caring more but also less simultaneously somehow. She did much more hair and makeup than usual, while also covering her body entirely, almost drowning herself in her clothes.

Quinn was horrified. How long have you been dealing with this? Why didn't you say anything? Quinn couldn't get back to the bedroom fast enough. He rushed over to the bed, pulling you into a hug immediately. He felt your tears soaking his shirt, and Quinn had tears streaming steadily down his cheeks. "Why didn't you say anything? I'm so sorry, I love you," he whispered into your neck.

"I didn't want to bother you. I thought I should be able to deal with it by now. The jealousy, the mean girls. But it has gotten worse. They've been truly evil. I tried not to let it bother me, but I couldn't help it." You didn't want to remove yourself from Quinn's embrace. It was the first time you felt comfort in days.

"My love, you are never a bother. I'm appalled of these things they're saying, I can't believe you've been dealing with this in silence. No one deserves this, especially not you, my sweet girl." He coaxed you slowly to look him in the eyes, but you were still touching at almost every nerve ending.

"You are the most beautiful girl I've ever seen," he murmured, running his finger across your cheek. "And above all that, you're kind, loving, caring, empathetic, selfless, giving, and so many other amazing things. You are none of those things they say about you, okay? I'm so sorry, my angel. I know I can't fix it, but I want to. Tomorrow, we're gonna spend the whole day together, okay? And I'm gonna pamper you like you've always deserved. I'm so sorry that you've been going through this. I'm gonna fix it. I'm gonna make a statement, we can limit comments to friends only, make a separate, more private account. Whatever you want, baby. I just want this to be fixed and I want you to be okay. You don't deserve to suffer like this because of some evil, hateful people."

You knew Quinn would be helpful and caring if he ever found out about this, but you never expected all of this. You were exhausted and thrilled just thinking about everything. You had let those hateful people bring you down for so long, now you just wanted to be with your sweet boy.

"Can we do all that tomorrow? I just want to be with you. And I lied, I'm starving, I can smell the food from downstairs and I'm practically salivating," Quinn laughed out loud, causing you to smile for the first time in days. "There's my angel, I love you so much. We can do whatever you want, okay? Anything, my treat. Whatever you want. You deserve that damn food, okay? And everything else in the world, I love you so much."

Tears had begun to stream down your face for a different reason. You couldn't believe how lucky you were to have such a sweet, caring, and thoughtful man to have and to hold.

"I love you, Quinn. Thank you so much," you mumbled with watery eyes. When he leaned in and connected your lips with his, you knew you would get through this. Yes, their words still hurt. It wasn't fixed for good, it wasn't perfect, but you knew as long as you had Quinn by your side, you could make it through anything.

#Quinn hughes #qh43 #Quinn hughes imagine #Quinn hughes x reader #Quinn hughes x fem!reader #hughes brothers #nhl imagine #Vancouver Canucks imagine #elle's writing

[rosie-writings]

Drag Me Under

Request: anon—Colby and Reader are friends who won’t admit their romantic feelings to one another, and in order to make her jealous, Colby interacts with another girl, but instead, it makes the Reader distance herself from him. Make it very angsty and fluffy.

Summary: Colby decides to get with another girl to make the Reader confess her feelings for him, but it backfires nearly costing them their friendship instead.

Warnings: Angst, Jealousy, Vomiting, Alcohol, Colby x Reader smut, Unprotected sex, Couple Arguing, Crying during sex, Body worship, Praises, and fluff that will put tears in your eyes…

Words: 9.8k

No Y/N Used

Title is from ‘Drag Me Under’ by Sleep Token

My heart ached with every second I wasn’t safely unaware in my sleep.

A desperation gnawed bone deep, and I wasn’t in any place to get rid of it. Every second I was in that house my stomach was in knots to the point where I couldn’t hold food down.

I hated him; oh I hated him so much that it made me sick.

And then not even my sleep was safe.

I thrusted awake in the dead of night with sweat across my skin and my legs pushed so tightly together I thought I would combust. The last time I woke up teetering the edge of a climax I was in high school when hormones were high and common sense was low.

I lay there until the sun cast a blue sheen to my room, and thought about whether his hands in real life would feel as world shattering. 

And then I would see him in real life, he would open his mouth, and I would roll my eyes and inwardly kick myself. For such a pretty face and beautiful body, he sure was a bonehead and a half. God, it pissed me off. Every time he opened his mouth I was reminded how clueless he was, how much of an idiot he was.

So tell me why I was head over heels for Colby when there wasn’t a chance in heaven or hell he’d look in my direction for anything more than brainless banter?

“The fuck happened to you?” I shot a glare in Jake’s direction when I entered the kitchen. My eyes must have been puffy and red since it took work to keep them opened. I heard the padded soles of my house shoes against the tile; I couldn’t even take full steps without dragging my feet. He sat at the island—in my opinion, with no better appearance than me—eating cereal and scrolling on his phone.

”Why are you here?” I snapped back. “You’ve been back for longer than you’ve lived here.”

”Jesus Christ,” he laughed. “I forgot how rough you were in the morning.”

”Talk to me about it again and I’ll dig your eyeballs out with that spoon—“

”It’s nine in the morning, why are we doing this already?” I glared at Sam as he walked in the room. I proceeded to make my own lazy cereal.

”He said I looked a certain way—“

”I didn’t say you looked like anything, I just asked what happened to you?”

”Nothing did,” I snapped back and whirled around to face him. “But something might happen to you if you don’t shut up.” Jake’s eyes widened as they glanced down at the spoon I pointed at him.

”I don’t think a spoon will do anything to him,” Sam said. I glared at him next.

”Want to find out?” He took a step back when I took a step towards him. I sized him up. “You’re not worth dirtying another spoon.”

I grabbed my bowl of cereal and walked out of the kitchen. 

Last night we had a party. 

Now, I’m not one to usually lose myself at a house party—that was such a lie—but apparently I took it too far last night, and throwing up before it’s one am and looking like road kill in the morning “ruins parties” or something. I assumed Colby was still asleep. Or at least in his room.

I walked up there and held my breath when my knees hurt while taking the stairs. I took a bite of cereal and didn’t even think twice before barging into his room. He was still in bed; laid on his stomach with an arm over the edge like he checked the time on his phone but then fell back asleep mid placing it back on the table. 

He made a deep whining noise as to say “what the fuck are you doing here” but I didn’t mind it and closed the door behind me. 

“Dipshits downstairs were threatening me already and I thought you’d be too asleep to do that so I’m tolerating your presence for breakfast.”

”It’s like—“ He squinted as he checked his phone. “It’s nine forty. Why aren’t you asleep?”

”You’re the only one still in bed.” He grumbled and lay back down albeit this time on his back. I walked over and sat on the edge of his bed facing him with my legs crossed. I took another bite. His head lifted and he looked at me then my bowl and then he plopped back down.

”Why are you here?”

”Jesus fuck if you all want me to leave so bad—”

”No, don't go,” he said as I went to get up. I sat back down.

I took another bite in hopes that if I swallowed cereal the butterflies in my throat would go down with it. His voice was so much deeper than usual and his hair poked in every direction. He ran a hand through it as he focused on whatever was on his phone. 

“Weren’t we going on the podcast toda—“

”Oh shit, yeah,” he interrupted me as if his remembrance was too visceral to keep quiet. Then he sat up. The blanket fell to his lap and his hands covered his face. Then he looked at me and then my cereal again.

”You better not have taken the last of it.”

”Tell that to Jake and Sam.” He shook his head. “When did you even go to bed last night?”

”I think like four or something,” he replied with a yawn.

”Oh,” I said and took my last bite.

”You were asleep by probably two,” he scoffed. I wanted to kick him but it would have been too much work. He laughed and continued, “Fuck you were so sick I thought I was going to have to make people leave, but Tara brought you in the bathroom for like an hour and then you fell asleep.”

”God forbid a girl be a lightweight.”

”Last night was worse than usual, did you do anything different?” I sighed and recounted my steps yesterday. I went with the boys on a hike and we had a late breakfast then I filmed a video with a friend so by the time I made it back home, we had a small snack for dinner and the party started. I also had four too many shots.

”I didn’t eat enough and drank a lot more than I usually do.”

”You’re an idiot.”

”Me? You’re the idiot for forcing me to go on that stupid hike and then I’m hungry all night and the alcohol wasn’t hitting me—“

”You’re so dumb,” he laughed and shook his head as he stood up from bed. My throat clamped tightly together as my eyes fell down his body and up again before he would notice. “Maybe you should have eaten something then.”

”I had chips.”

”Chips aren’t enough when you drink that much.”

”Whatever,” I grumbled. I didn’t have the grit in me to bicker with him, not when he looked like a God despite slowly making his way into his bathroom with a light hangover. I couldn’t look away from his dark skin when he curved the corner out of sight. 

I didn’t care if he might have caught my gaze in the reflection of the mirror.

“Is only Sam and Jake here?” He asked. I had to choke down the tension in my throat.

”Um, I’m not sure. I saw them then ran because they were being mean.”

”I mean they’re not wrong; we all look like shit after a party.”

”You’re an asshole.”

”Someone has to be.”

”Not all of you can be mean to me! Besides,” I swallowed tightly when he walked across the doorway towards the sink. He washed his hands before washing his face. “I’m about to be put through the ringer right now; Tara said she was coming back before the podcast so we can take photos or something.” 

He walked back in the room and it took work to look at him in the eyes.

”Sam and I might go—“

”On a damn hike again, I thought so.” He laughed and slung his jeans at me before he pulled them on.

”You should order real breakfast for everyone,” he said when he pulled on a shirt and grabbed a hat, his phone, and shocks and shoes.

”Alright, give me your phone.” He rolled his eyes and tossed it to me.

I followed him downstairs while scrolling through breakfast options.

“Hey Sam,” Colby said as I followed him into the kitchen.

”Oh hey.”

”Wow he’s up already.”

”Do you have shit to talk to everyone when they first wake up?” I snapped at Jake. He burst out laughing. 

“Want to go still?” Colby asked Sam and completely ignored my banter with Jake.

”Yeah let’s go,” Sam said and rinsed his cup out at the sink.

”No no, that wasn’t talking shit. I only save that for you.” I flicked him off as he picked up his backpack. “I’m going. Got some stuff to do apparently,” Jake said.

”Yeah cool, we’re going out for a little bit anyway. Unless you’re up for a morning hike.”

”I’m not up for anything that starts with the word ‘morning.’” Jake said back, and I rolled my eyes as I purposely collided into my shoulder as he passed me. “See you guys.”

”See you,” Colby said and he turned to me. “You sure you wanna be here by yourself?”

”Rather than sweating my ass off in the am? Fuck yes. I’m taking a shower then parking my ass in bed until Tara gets here.”

”Fine,” Colby laughed. “Let’s go, Sam.” 

And they were gone.

I took a shower and paid extra attention to my puffy face. If photos were in my near future, I needed the help. Then I sat in bed like I said and watched Netflix while scrolling on TikTok until the food arrived.

It was an hour later when it did, and I was pushing the food in the oven to keep warm when Tara arrived.

”Oh my god it smells so good,” were her first words to me.

”I ordered food for us. We’ll have breakfast when Sam and Colby come back.” 

“Sweet. You’re in one piece this morning,” she giggled as she dropped her backpack and placed the smaller makeup bags on the island. I rolled my eyes.

”Yeah, a shower and a boy-less house works wonders I suppose.”

”I was surprised you didn’t crawl in bed with Colby last night. I mean, unless you did after I left.”

I choked on nothing.

”What do you mean?” I gasped; my face already heated up. What did I do last night?

”You had a lot to say about him when you were drunk and sobbing in the bathroom.”

”Tara,” I gasped quietly. “What did I say?” She laughed; a pink tone on her face. “Tara!”

”I didn’t know you wanted to kiss Colby so badly. You actually hide it really well. I mean… Mostly.” The walls around me crumbled and I turned away from her so she couldn’t see the blatant blush on my face. But it was too late, she burst out laughing. “It’s okay! It’s not that big of a—“

”No one was supposed to know that,” I mumbled.

”Okay, well I’m sorry your drunk self needed to tell someone that badly. At least it was me and not him. I had to convince him to not stay with us and that I could handle you.”

”Really?” I gasped. She nodded.

”How much do you remember?”

”Hardly anything.” She bit her lip in thought. “Tara,” I warned. “What else did I say?”

”You should talk to Colby.” My stomach fell out of my ass.

”No. No way. Why do you think I should—What else did I say about him?”

”You—well… All I’m saying is if you talk to him, I think it will all work out.” My eyes burned as tears nearly developed.

”Talk about him about what?” I gasped. “I don’t understand.”

”You know he likes you!” She finally yelled. “Like holy fuck! You two are down each other’s throats without actually being—Okay, listen to me very clearly. Colby is so head over heels for you. Just talk to him, okay?”

”What did I tell you?” My voice shook.

”You said you wanted to just kiss him and fuck him and then maybe he would love you the way you love him.”

I shut down. 

My breathing slowed and the tears filled my eyes. I couldn’t speak.

”You’re not stupid.” Her voice dropped as it filled with a comforting seriousness. “And you’re definitely not worthless. I know he’s an idiot—fuck, all the boys in this house are idiots—so that doesn’t mean his obliviousness means he doesn’t want you or doesn’t think you’re worth going for.”

”Tara,” I choked. “You’re dumb.” She laughed.

”I know, so are you. But you’re not an idiot.” I laughed harder and she hugged me before we took the bags and I led her down the hallway to my bedroom. 

“God, I can’t believe I said that.” She laughed.

”I mean, it’s not surprising. Also I take it back.” She sat on the bed as I opened up the bags. “You are an idiot becasue how the fuck do you not see how dumb he is about you?” I glared at her.

”He’s not—No. He doesn’t like me like that. If he did, he’s had plenty of times to tell me.”

“Which is why he’s an idiot.” I rolled my eyes.

”Let’s talk about something else.”

”Sure.”

Later, after photoshoots and after the boys came back and showered, we ate a one pm breakfast. There was no freeing myself from what Tara told me, and the thoughts reverberated behind my eyes sevenfold when Colby was around. It must have been obvious because I caught Tara’s stares or glares after I looked at Colby.

It was time to leave for the podcast. 

Tara left and said that she was getting ready with friends to go out that night to which the three of us contemplated. If the podcast went well and we didn’t have any other responsibilities, Sam said we would go.

“What about you then?” The interviewer turned to me. “What was your upbringing like? Because Sam and Colby’s were pretty different but they stayed together and formed this whole life around spirituality even if they grew up on and are kind of on different sides of now.”

”Yeah I grew up in a spiritual household like Colby,” I explained. “But it wasn’t really—It wasn’t that intense. I knew about spiritual things and spirits but it wasn’t really on my radar until I got older. I kind of developed an interest in it all after some experiences with friends in college. After feeling what spirits can do or-or make you feel like, I guess? It opened up an entire world I didn’t really care about and suddenly I needed to involve myself and understand it more. Because it’s fun.” I looked at the boys and Sam’s eyes went back to the interviewer’s as Colby’s lingered on mine. “And if like—clearly it’s affected my friends as much as it has—then how can I not be completely interested in it, you know?” I looked back at the interviewer.

”Has it changed the way you view religion then?” 

We talked about religion and spirituality for a while, and I didn’t mean to talk as long as I did about it. My hands shook and grew cold, and I got sick of the sound of my own voice.

”But no!” The interviewer said after I backed out. “It’s all so interesting and your beliefs and experiences mean a lot!” He went on to talk about his beliefs as well before handing the conversation back to the boys. 

“It’s all so subjective and personal, you know?” Colby started. “We may have different beliefs spiritually or within religion, but we all are on different journeys and I believe that what matters most is the life I lead when I’m here on earth. Like was I actually caring or had compassion for people or did I dwell on upholding close minded beliefs that turn me into a hypocrite? Like-Like if after we die, nothing is the way we thought it would be, at least I know that I did my best to care for other people and not control them.”

”I agree,” I said. “Which is why I’m so open to everything. Anything can be true, so in a way, what does it matter? Why does it matter so much believing in any one tangible religious doctrine if we aren’t even sure of it? I mean, the one thing we all are 100 percent sure about is that we’re all people. We’re all flesh and blood here regardless of anything else so I’m doing my best to take care of people and have compassion for them. Messing with ghosts is fun and even if we know they’re real or not—that’s not really my issue here—we-we don’t know what they are. Like yes, supernatural things have happened to us which can make us firm believers that there are spirits and there are things on the other side, but what I’m hung up on is how do we know for sure what we’re talking to? What if none of the spirits are people at all?” I felt Colby’s eyes on me and I had to look away from him and towards meaningless things in the room or else my tongue would tie.

”My logic is that we as physical people can’t see or go to the spiritual realm and talk with people—spirits—who passed. So then how can we as spirits—after death—talk to physical people now? It’s all a mystery and something we will never know so what’s the harm in trying to learn more and more?”

”That makes a lot of sense,” the interviewer said. He talked more, but I gambled and looked at Colby. Warmth was in his eyes when they met mine, and I was glad that Sam took the next talking bit because I didn’t know what was going on anymore. 

It took effort for both of us to look away and tune back into the conversation.

“I am fatigued,” I sighed dramatically as we kicked back in the car. Sam started music and put the car in drive.

”That was really good, though,” Colby said from the front passenger seat. I sat behind Sam and looked at Colby when he stole a glance at me.

”It was,” Sam agreed. “But now my brain is fried.”

”I mean what’s stopping us from going out then?” I asked playfully and Colby laughed.

”That’s true, Sam. We can chill now that that’s over.”

”Jesus, two nights in a row?” Sam gasped. 

“I can always make it three—“

”Fine,” he cut me off. “Text Tara and we’ll meet up with them at some point.”

After we got home, we went to our separate rooms to get ready. My brain was fried as well; Colby was right. I wanted to relax and have a good night with my best friends without ruining it like I did last night. 

As I finished putting on makeup, Colby came into my bathroom.

”Oh hi,” I said. 

“Hello.” He stood next to me. I needed to hold my breath and focus on myself in the mirror to keep from ogling over him. He looked so good. There weren’t words I could come up with to describe how good he looked to me. His skin was so dark; the late spring sun already had a vengeance for Los Angeles. And the black and white shirt he wore was one that always grabbed my attention in the worst way.

”Okay, you guys ready to go?” He nodded. I didn’t say anything about the way I caught his gaze falling down my body in the mirror like mine did to him that morning. 

”Sam’s on the phone then we’ll go.”

”Sweet.” 

“You look really good,” he said and my stomach tensed.

”You do too,” I replied with a confidence I didn’t think I had.

At the club, we found our friends and claimed our table for the night. 

“Okay, I’m getting like fourteen green tea shots,” Tara said.

”Holy shit, you trying to put us in the ground already?” One of her friends gasped. There were seven of us.

“It’s only two a person,” she clapped back.

”And it’s only like ten pm.” 

A while later, the shots were brought to our table. We drank one and I already felt the relaxation flood my skin like a warm blanket. I turned to Colby who stood at my side. 

His eyes were already on me.

“What?” I laughed.

”Nothing,” he said with a smirk and shook his head. He looked back at the table. He shoved his side into me and I shoved him back. We didn’t look at each other though as the conversations rolled on louder and louder.

By our fifth shot, I felt it. I really felt it.

Tara ordered us two mixed drinks already, and multiple drinks were between Sam and Colby as well. My heart raced with every brush of Colby’s arm on mine. He talked with his hands more the drunker he got, and every time he moved, his arm brushed against mine. 

Finally, he turned to me. Our attention was on each other and no one’s intervened.

”Keep touching me Colby and I’ll push you away.” He scoffed a laugh at my sudden words.

”Yeah pretend you don’t like it all you want.”

”What does that mean?” I coughed.

”I saw you looking at me. Fuck,” he laughed. A hand strung through his hair. “You always do. And I always notice. Especially when I’m not wearing any clothes.”

”Of course you know when I’m looking at you because you’re always staring at me first,” I laughed and his eyes darkened. “Have something to say to me?”

”Mm,” he sighed and looked away like we weren’t talking about anything important. “Not now.”

”Of course you don’t,” I jeered. He glared back at me.

”What does that mean?”

”It can mean whatever you want.” I turned back and sipped on my drink until the sound of bubbling air flowed through my black straw. 

“You’re really cute when you try to flirt with me,” he said quietly behind me.

The rest of my drink nearly shot up my nose.

”You’re ridiculous if you think I’m flirting with you.”

”Yeah? Then how many times have you looked at Sam like that?” I whirled around to face him with wide eyes.

”You’re saying a lot to someone that you call a best friend, aren’t you?” His eyebrows rose. 

“And you look at me and touch me a lot more than you would a best friend.”

”Maybe I’m a touchy person.”

”You got that right,” he scoffed. “Can’t say anything to you without you throwing a fit.”

”Don’t be a dick.”

”I don’t have to try to be one if I have one.” I grimaced.

”And you won’t have one if you don’t learn how to shut your dumb mouth—“

”What the fuck is happening?” Sam laughed as he stepped to us. We were a couple feet from the table. 

“I’m not sure,” he said too sweetly to me. “Ask her.”

”We’re not doing anything,” I laughed and shoved him away before I spun back to the table.

”Let’s go,” Sam said. Colby drank down the rest of his drink and left it on the table.

”Where are you going?” Tara asked as Sam pulled Colby further into the club.

”Perusing,” Sam replied and the boys were gone.

”That sounds disgusting,” Tara scoffed. I looked in the direction they went. “If you wanna go you can, we aren’t holding you here. But watching your best friends suck face doesn’t sound very pleasing to me.”

”Y-Yeah, I’ll stay here,” I said distantly. Tara grabbed my attention and looked at me in the eyes.

”You can go with them.” Her all knowing tone sickened me. I smiled as to not let on the rest of the girls and Jake and Johnnie onto anything if they noticed what we spoke about. 

“No no, let’s get more shots.”

I was wasted.

Utterly wasted.

The club was loud, the voices louder, and my friends’ hands on me as we enthusiastically spoke and danced and partied ebbed my frustration with Sam and Colby.

It had been an hour.

At most, maybe. I’m not sure. I lost my sense of time.

There was still no sign of them.

I couldn’t make out the words shared between Tara and her best friend. We sat on sofas now completely dumb and unable to stand without falling over. Jake and Johnnie lingered and talked to other people I recognized, but I couldn’t find Sam and Colby.

Until I saw a flash of familiarity.

There he was, Colby. He stood somewhere between the bar and the dance floor in perfect view. My eyes narrowed on him and he smiled and talked to a girl.

My stomach dropped. My blood boiled. I swallowed down nothing and my tongue got stuck to my throat due to dehydration.

She wore a tight little dress and her wavy hair draped down to her ass which was nearly out. I held my breath when her arms stringed around his neck.

Why was he talking to her? Like that nonetheless?

I watched as she got closer to him and then his hands were on her. I should have looked away if I was a good best friend and respected his privacy, but in my head, I wasn’t just a best friend to him.

Colby was mine.

So to see his eyes on her then his lips on her; it unraveled me. Acid burned my throat as I watched them talk. Her eyes met his lips and her body pushed to his—

When he kissed her, I jumped to my feet.

”What—Oh no.” I heard Tara ask me where I was going, but she must have seen Colby. He was that close to us. So much for fading into the darkness.

If I had gotten to the restrooms a millisecond later I would have missed the toilet.

”Hey,” Tara called as she said my name. She followed me into the stall. “Shit. Are-Are you really drunk?”

”What the fuck do you think?” I spat back with a roughened voice. Fire was in my eyes when I looked at her. “He-He fucking—oh my god—I’m going to kill him.”

”Yeah, hey I know. Let’s just-Let’s just chill for a second—“

”How can I chill, Tara?” I practically screamed. “Colby was fucking kissing someone!”

”What’s wrong with that?” She pried. I looked at her like she was delusional. Did she not remember the conversation she started with me this morning?

”What’s wrong with that? What’s wrong is that it’s not me!” 

And she smiled.

”There, finally you admit it.”

”Tara,” I cried. Tears welled in my eyes. “He’s so-He’s so stupid.”

”I know. Do you want to go ruin his night or something?” I contemplated it. Tears rushed down my face and I didn’t care if it ruined my makeup.

”No,” I sobbed. She looked at me with utter concern. “Because I just wanted him to be happy.”

She hugged me as I cried.

I swore something died in me the moment I saw him kissing her.

I knew Colby hooked up with girls sometimes and I knew it wasn’t serious. But I was serious about him even though he never would be serious with me. It was all too confusing. He flirted with me and called me out for flirting. He allowed me in his bed, but he never touched me, and he changed clothes in front of me frequently. We were as close as physically possible in every way except sexually.

Maybe he never liked me.

Maybe he never wanted me like I was delusional enough to believe.

I left that club with Tara before anyone else.

I wasn’t drunk anymore, but when I got home, I vomited until I cried again and again.

It was only a couple hours later at most when I heard commotion. The boys got home. I didn’t hear anyone else with them though. Then, the fighting.

”You’re just so fucking stupid.” Sam’s voice. “Make sure she did actually make it hom—oh wait yeah her shoes are right here.”

”What are you talking about?” Colby spat back at him. “I didn’t do any—“

”You know what the fuck you did.”

”Sam, don’t fucking start with me.”

”I brought you with me because I wanted you around me. And maybe help me get someone. I did not intend for you to make out with her.”

”I didn’t mean it like that.”

”Didn’t mean what? You kissed her literally right in front of them; in front of her!”

”I know…”

I couldn’t listen anymore. 

My bathroom was closer to the front of the house so I raced to my bed and lay in it. I cried until the sun rose, and sometime between dawn and mid morning, I fell asleep.

The next time I could tolerate the sun, it was late in the sky. I turned over and moaned at the tension in my back. I slept weird and still in my clothes from the night out. 

I crawled out of the pit that was my bed and checked the time. Three pm. I got up and immediately walked to the shower.

The water was so hot it inflamed my skin. I was puffy with redness, but I needed the sting. I needed the warmth because there was nothing inside of me. Colby was still Colby. Just less mine, right? I must have taken it too far. I let my emotions go and they were too connected to him. I had to move on. I couldn’t do this to myself anymore.

Thoughts circled my head and I felt the burning in my eyes.

But at least he’s happy.

Tears fell again.

I liked him; I loved him so much that it didn’t matter. I decided, as I pulled on warm sweatpants and a hoodie, that I would let him go and not lead him on anymore because clearly he wasn’t following me. I had to protect myself and to do that, I would have to make sacrifices.

Rule number one: No longer am I allowed in Colby’s room.

I didn’t go into his room that day, or the next. 

I walked in the kitchen. The boys were nowhere to be seen. I grabbed a serving of the breakfast they ordered earlier. As I ate, I scrolled on my phone at the island. The quietness of the house was therapeutic but, in a way, nerve racking. What were they doing? What was Colby doing?

Rule number two: Stop thinking about Colby every two seconds.

I failed immediately, but I reminded myself that thoughts are habitual and I’ve broken habits before, I can do it again.

But my heart ached. 

It ached so deeply that there was no other reason for this ache unless something intrinsic was severed within me. What was wrong with me? Colby had been my best friend for years now, and if he didn’t want me as more than that, then how amazing was it that I was still this close? I couldn’t ruin it.

The backdoor slid open.

My heart raced as Colby walked in; I could recognize him from his footsteps.

”Oh hi,” he said sweetly. I smiled back.

Rule number three: Don’t let him think you’ve been heartbroken

”Hey,” I said. I didn’t like the way he flinched at the rough sound of my voice. He knew I was sick. He turned with concern in his eyes. I cut him off. “What are you guys doing today?” His head cocked to the side with confusion.

”Uh—I think we’re just editing and we have some meetings to go to.”

”That’s cool,” I said unassumingly. I got off my chair and threw away my trash.

”What do you want to do? I was just editing outside for a little bit.” I grabbed my phone and walked to the other side of the kitchen.

”I had stuff to do, but I’ll see you guys later.”

I let go of the breath I held when I closed my bedroom door.

I couldn’t keep myself together in front of him so in order to keep my third rule, I decided that distancing myself for the time being would be best. 

Message from Colby; What do you want for dinner?

It was dark outside when I emerged from my room. 

The downstairs was louder now; business must have been done. I walked into the kitchen in search of food. They must not have gotten something yet.

Colby said my name when he saw me. We met again for the second time that day in the same place.

”Did you guys get food?”

”No, I was wondering what you wanted.”

”I don’t really care,” I said. It was easier to say than a bunch of other words. My voice already burned from just looking at him. His eyes were filled with question and he didn’t say anything. “Uh, let me know when it’s—“

”Stop,” he said. I turned back to him. “Don’t leave.”

”I was just going to my room.”

”Are you okay?” I looked at him like he was silly.

”Yeah, why wouldn’t I be?”

”You-You’ve been in your room all day? You never do that. Did you get sick last night?” 

“That doesn’t matter,” I deadpanned with finality. His brows rose and his lips closed. “Let me know what you guys get.”

And I went to my room.

A message from Colby, once again, was the last message I read before I fell asleep; Hope you feel better <3

Three days later I said more words to Colby than he said to me.

I couldn’t tell if it was because it was easier for me to talk to him now that the initial sadness had passed, but it confused me. He didn’t try to talk to me during meals and he stopped texting me entirely.

I messaged Colby; Hey, are you and Sam going on the hike this morning?

He didn’t respond. Two hours later I was met with two sweaty boys downstairs. That was odd. He never didn’t respond to me, especially about their damn morning hikes. 

My days were long and lonely.

I didn’t understand his silence towards me. Maybe he was afraid that I was mad at him because I avoided him for a while. My thoughts were interrupted when Sam burst into my room.

”Sam—“

”Alright,” he sighed harshly. “I’m not leaving until we figure out what the fuck is going on.”

”Sam,” I gasped when he sat on my bed across from me. “What-What’s going on?”

”Cut the shit. You’ve been cooped up in your room for almost a week now and Colby’s turned into a moody bitch, so tell me why you guys are arguing.”

”We-We aren’t—“ He glared at me. He knew. “I hate Colby.” His gaze softened and something attuned to shock plastered his face. “He’s so-He’s so fucking—ugh! I hate him so much. This is his fault.”

”What’s his fault?” He asked quietly. Tears already welled in my eyes.

”He-He—oh my god—you can’t tell me he’s that fucking stupid to not know that he’s led me on for so long, right? Like genuinely. He flirts with me like that and then-and then makes out with other girls in front of me then pretends like everything is fine? And now he’s ignoring me like he has some right to? Fuck no. He’s the idiot who started this.” Sam gawked at me and it took a second for him to collect his thoughts.

”You like him?”

”Sam,” I gritted my teeth. “I love him so much that I’m not telling him shit about any of this mess. He clearly doesn’t want me so I’m not ruining our friendship too. I’m trying to make my feelings for him go away but now, it’s turned into this—“

”Oh my god,” he whispered slowly as disbelief now replaced his emotion. “Oh my god! I’m going to fucking kill him.”

”What? Why?’ I fired back.

”This was on purpose.” 

The room shattered around me.

”What?”

”I’m—You—Someone, hold on.”

“What?” I gasped. I launched myself out of my bed as he rushed through my door. “Sam no! What are you doing?”

”Talking to him about this. I’m not losing my best friends due to ridiculous miscommunication.”

”Sam please!” Tears flowed freely down my face now. “Please don’t tell him—“

”Don’t tell him what?” We froze as we looked down the corridor into the living room.

Colby stood in the middle as if we was in the process of walking inside from the back yard.

”Oh no, I’m not. You’re going to. And I’m leaving.”

”What? Sam no, please. This isn’t fair.” Sam yanked his arm from my grasp. He went up to his room and closed the door. 

The silent stillness of the house in between Colby and I gutted me. 

“Hey,” he said sweetly and I spun away from him as he took paces towards me. “Hey.” His paces quickened when I wiped my tears. “What happened? What’s wrong?”

”You fucking tell me!” I yelled at him. I pushed him away from me. “You fucking tell me, asshole.”

”What? What is wrong with you—“

”What’s wrong with you, Colby?” I yelled. This time I didn’t try to wipe away the new rivers of tears. “Why would you do this?”

”I’m not doing anything—”

”First you lead me on, then you kiss her, then you pretend like everything’s fine, then you ignore me—Why the fuck are you ignoring me?”

”What?” He gasped as his eyes widened. “What are you talking about? I—Who are you talking about? I didn’t kiss anyone. And I responded to you!”

”Look at your fucking phone!” I finally screamed; my voice throbbed with pain. “And don’t fucking gaslight me, don’t fucking lie to me, and don’t fucking play dumb; what do you mean ‘I didn’t kiss anyone;’ you kissed right in-fucking-front of me!”

”Oh my god,” he whispered. He was frozen, idle in fear.

”You’re so fucking stupid, Colby! Why would you do this to me? I’m so upset and it’s-it’s like destroying me. Why can’t you just talk to me—“ I stopped moving and looked up at him silently when tears welled in his eyes too.

”I’m sorry,” he whispered.

”What?” I gasped. He blinked quickly and tears streamed down his face.

”I didn’t realize—oh my god—you’re telling me all this time…”

”All this time what? Please! Make sense—“

”You’re telling me all this time you’ve been ignoring you because I did actually hurt you?”

I stood in shock.

In fiery visceral shock.

Neither of our tears stopped.

”Obviously!” I gasped. “I have wanted you for so goddamn long and you like purposely led me on to kiss someone in front of me? You’re so fucking—Ugh! I hate you!” His lips parted in shock. He said my name. I didn’t care. I didn’t mind the butterflies that overwhelmed my stomach.

”I-I thought you wanted-I thought you wanted me but you wouldn’t tell me you do and it-it would make you jealous and-and you would—”

“You kissed her to make me jealous? And then ignored me?” My voice scratched through my screams. 

“I-I didn’t know what to do. You weren’t telling me and I-I thought you would come to me—“

”If you kissed someone else first?” I yelled. I swore my heart pumped so fast it would run away. “Am I a game to you? Just something to play with?’

”No!” He finally shouted. “I’ve wanted you so bad but you never told me you wanted me so I thought I made it all up—“

”You’re such a fucking idiot! I swear to god I’m going to kill you.”

”I’m so sorry, I didn’t realize—“

”You’re the worst, Colby. Why didn’t you just talk to me?”

”Why didn’t you talk to me?” His voice finally rose above a whisper. I scoffed.

”Maybe because you clearly had your eyes set on someone else! Maybe I came to terms with the fact that I couldn’t have you romantically but at least I still got our friendship.”

”No,” he choked. “No you should have fucking told me!”

”You should have told me!” I screamed back. “Colby, I-I can’t do this if-if you’re—oh my god.” I covered my face with my hands as sobbed wracked through me. 

“No,” he demanded and his hands latched onto my wrists. “Don’t do that. Don’t close me out again.”

”Why? It’s not like you’ll want me now!”

”I want you now. I wanted you a year ago and I’ll want you a year from now.”

”Colby,” I gasped as he yanked my hands from my face. 

“You’re not a game to me, and—holy shit—I’m so fucking stupid. I’m so sorry I shouldn’t have done this, I-I didn’t know what to do because I thought—no, I knew—you wanted me but then you pretended like you didn’t so I thought that if I kissed someone else it would either make you jealous and come steal me from her or if you didn’t want me anymore it would help me get over you.”

I shook my head.

”You’re so stupid.”

”I’ve been told,” he rolled his eyes.

”I wanted you so bad; you hurt me. I literally couldn’t breathe. Watching you kiss her made me sick; I almost couldn’t leave the club because I was so sick.” More tears fell down his face.

”Fuck, I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have—this is such a mess.”

”And then I told myself, ‘God, of course he doesn’t want me. I’m just his best friend and he always goes for prettier girls who aren’t friends with him first.’” His hands still held my wrists. I looked at them. He gently let go of them when he noticed I looked at them.

But then his hands slowly moved to my face and held me.

”Colby—“

He kissed me hesitantly as if he assumed I would push him off. All he wanted was a taste even if that was all he would ever get. I could tell from his uncertainty; the light weight of his touch.

But I grabbed his clothes and pulled him closer. 

He gasped into my mouth when I took him deeper. His fingers left imprints on my face now, and my nails dug into his skin. Fire ate up my entire being, and I held onto him so I wouldn’t fall over.

He tasted better than I imagined, and I imagined many times.

He was all I thought about in the dead of night. He was all I wanted when I was lonely. This time it was me who gasped and moaned into his mouth, he grabbed me and shoved me backwards until my back hit the front door.

”No,” he gasped for breath. He still kissed me. I found myself speechless as his hands held me close and raced over my body. “It was always only you; only thought about you—“

”Okay, can I go before…” 

“Jesus Fuck,” Colby gasped and turned around. We stepped from the door and saw Sam coming down the stairs.

”I’m so glad we aren’t fighting anymore but for the love of god, I’m leaving—“

”Leave,” Colby demanded and opened the door. I couldn’t look Sam in the eyes; Colby laughed once about something. Sam had a backpack, I wondered how long he thought he would be gone for.

Before the front door closed all the way, Colby grabbed my hand and hurried me up the stairs. 

A head rush almost knocked me off my feet. My heart pounded, and when he closed us in his room, I cursed myself for breaking another rule. If they applied anymore.

”You drive me so crazy—Shit, I literally thought I was crazy,” he said as he kissed down my neck. My uneven breath couldn’t form a word as he pushed me down on his bed. I was familiar with his sheets, but never like this.

Never with him on top of me.

He kissed me again, but this time I parted my legs and allowed his hips to slot in. I gasped at the pressure, and he too let go of moans as he thrusted himself against me.

”You really didn’t know? You really didn’t?” His voice was scarily quiet. I shook my head with closed eyes.

Tears fell down my temples.

”I don't know,” was the only thing I could choke out.

”Oh my god, look at you,” he whispered as he grinded his hips down with mine. I knew he watched my face unravel with pleasure even as my eyes were closed, and he brushed my hair back away from my face. “Wanted you here for so long—fuck—I didn’t mean to mess it up, I’m so sorry—“

”I know,” I fired back. “Touch me already.” He let go an uneven breath as well and he rushed off of me.

”Up, hurry. Lie down normally.” I hurried to his pillows and lay down on them. He crawled over and watched me from his hands and knees. I looked up at him and just looked. His hand on my face nearly lulled me to sleep.

Safe; that’s how he made me feel. That’s how he always made me feel. I needed him so desperately for so long that when he put me in that precarious situation, I realized that that was what he had taken from me.

Now with closure, he brought it back.

He shook his head.

”You’re all I’ve imagined, I promise you that.”

”What do you mean?” I timidly asked. He kissed down my neck and my body melted into the sheets when his hands memorized my body. 

“No one compares to you. I needed you as close as possible.” He took a break from speaking and kissed bites into my skin. I gasped and arched my back at the sudden sharpness so he linked his arm under me. My hands found his hair and finally, finally, his hand invaded my shirt. 

“Colby,” I moaned and caved into his touch. He moaned against my skin and continued his work painting purple and red into it. 

Finally he pulled my shirt off. 

“But I was too scared to fuck it up; can't fucking lose you.”

“You won't,” I gasped. His kisses passed my chest and dipped onto my stomach. They don't miss an inch of skin, and I couldn't help from sporadically moving from how sensitive his lips made me. 

“So perfect, so beautiful; just wanted you under me.” I held onto him; his hair, his arms, any part of him I could find. Finally when his mouth cascaded down my stomach and over my side towards my hip, his fingers interlock with mine. Still, he has a hand delicately held under me. 

“Please.” I didn’t even realize the plea left my mouth; that was how gentle the sigh was. He looked up at me from where he kissed.

”Please what?” His voice was so soft I could have fainted.

”Touch me, Colby. Just take off the rest of my clothes.” He smiled into another kiss and still took his time with me.

”I will, don’t worry.” My stomach recoiled in anticipation. I wouldn’t let him let go of my fingers. I held onto him tightly. 

I reeled against myself when he kissed lower and dipped his fingers into the hem of my pants. I moaned his name and and I shivered from the feeling of his breath and laughs.

”So impatient,” he whispered, and it sent chills across my skin.

”I’m not,” I whined. He kissed across my navel and to the other hip. 

And then I felt it.

His free hand ever so slowly made its way down my body until he teased me through my pants. A hard breath pulled between his teeth.

”Fuck, I can feel how warm you are. How wet you are.”

”Colby,” I gasped. “I said I needed you.”

”I didn’t think you were lying, but oh my god.” Without another request, Colby pulled my sweatpants and underwear down in one. I couldn’t stop staring up at him as he rose to his knees. He tossed my clothes away and pushed my knees apart.

”Oh my god, I love you. You’re so perfect; every part of you. Wanted you so bad.” I couldn’t breathe as he spoke those words over me. His fingers trailed down my inner thigh and jumped to the other leg without even teasing me. I writhed against him, and the problem was, he didn’t even touch me yet.

”Colby,” I gasped when he kissed the side of my knee. His lips fell lower. “Colby, please,” I whined but he ignored me. His other hand pushed my other thigh back as he kissed down my leg. I knew he felt the way I jolted at every touch; the pleasure zapped through my body. I clenched around nothing every time his lips neared a centimeter close. 

“Love you, let me taste all of you.” I wanted to cry.

I was so mad at him.

I hated him.

I loved him so much that if I died when he tasted me it would have been enough.

My nails scratched against him as I tangled them in his hair and he moaned against me, from pain or pleasure I didn’t know. As his mouth dipped closer and closer to where I needed him most, his other hand traveled down my other leg. I couldn’t stop moving, moaning, and his hands held me down so I couldn’t push myself into him.

”Please, please I need you—“

“I know,” he sighed. Then his eyes met mine. “Won’t you let me kiss and touch every part of you first? You’re so so impatient.”

“You-You have! Please, just touch me.” 

“I am touching you.” 

The tears fell again. My head tossed back to the pillow.

”I’ve wanted you for so damn long and-and then all this happens and this is how you repay—oh fuck!” I looked back down at him as he licked me once, twice, and then slotted his lips around me. “Colby, oh my god, yes, oh fuck thank you!” 

Maybe the kissing was also to calm him down and hold himself back.

Because next thing I knew, his hands pushed my legs back roughly and he moaned into me deeply. I couldn’t open my eyes; moans yanked from me as he worked me relentlessly with his tongue. He moved with me when my hips rolled uncontrollably, and he never allowed me to pull him harder on me nor further away. He was right where he wanted to be.

”Fuck,” he moaned when he pulled away. Licked me once. “Taste so fucking good.” I couldn’t breathe when he dragged his fingers down and saturated them with my fluids. 

“Oh my god yes, please—“

He slowly pushed two inside as he leaned his head against my thigh and watched me with stars in his eyes.

“Oh fuck,” I moaned and couldn’t keep the strings of moans behind my lips. He still watched me in awe as his fingers worked me ever so slightly. I rolled my hips with his hand. His other hand held the side of my thigh and I covered it with my own. “You feel so good, want you to do this so bad.”

”Yeah? How did you pretend I touched you?” Pink heat fell down my body, but he pushed against the spot inside me harder. He didn’t move faster though.

”I—oh fuck—I imagined you-you fingering me like this and-and…“

”And what?” His voice was disgustingly sweet with a teasing tone on the edge. I didn’t know if I wanted to smack the dazed look off of him or melt in his heart eyes.

”And-And you would use your tongue.”

”How do you want me to do that?” He teased in such an irritating way. I closed my eyes tightly partially in embarrassment but also arousal. Anything he said with this tone could get me on my knees.

”You already know,” I grumbled. 

“Do I?”

”Colby, please,” I exasperated. “Taste me again. Make me feel good.” That must have set him off because he sucked in a breath before doing just that. 

My hands now curled around the bedding under us. His arms held me down even as his tongue and fingers worked me. My eyes closed as I drowned in his touch. He quickened his pace and listened to my body when I writhed from stimulation.

”Fuck, you—oh my god so fucking perfect,” he said with a smile as his fingers moved in and out quickly.

”Colby please, need you.”

”You have me.”

”Want you inside of me.” He gave in.

He lifted himself up and pulled his clothes off. I would have tried to take them off myself; I always dreamed about undressing his perfect body, but I couldn’t move. I stared at him frozen with a warmth I didn’t know.

Then he leaned over me and his hand brushed my hair away. He held my face. His eyes watched over my face and I couldn’t blink as I soaked in his appearance too.

”So perfect,” he whispered. I gasped when he thrusted against me. I pushed my body up into his when he teased me and drenched himself in my arousal. “Love how responsive you are.” 

I kissed him and he melted into me. 

I drank down his moans as he thrusted into me in time, and his hands raced up my arms and held my hands on either side of my head against the pillow. I gasped for air when he pulled away. My eyes closed as his body overwhelmed mine.

He didn't say anything, only planted kisses against my face and neck when he easily slid into me.

“Colby—“ I gasped, and he moaned when his arm slid under me. He watched me as he moved faster.

”Yeah?” He teased lightly. With a smile, his eyes closed and my heart skipped at the sound of his moans. “Feel so good around me, holy shit.”

”God, I love you,” I whined. He groaned loudly and kissed my skin with a bite. More moans forced from me as his hips met mine with a higher intensity. Tears fell down my face again, and this time I didn’t try to wipe them away.

All the pain and frustration and confusion welled inside of me like an overflowing spring, and of course it took his kiss, his touch, his body to break the seal. He finally let go of my hands and I touched his skin like he memorized mine. He lost himself inside me when I touched him and scratched him. I kissed him and also left love bites because I felt the same. 

He was mine just as much as I was his. 

“You-You, fuck, you’re so much,” he moaned.

”How?” I kept my voice tense in my throat or else I would let it go into loud humiliating moans that would probably be unintelligible.

”Too much; I-I didn’t think I could ever deserve someone like you.”

”I don’t-I don’t deserve you. How does anyone deserve someone at all—oh fuck, Colby!” My words were slurred into moans as he fucked his hips into mine with intention. 

Then he grabbed one of my hands and shoved it down in between us.

”Touch yourself, baby. Want you to cum with me.”

”Oh fuck,” I whined; I couldn’t contain the ways those simple words made me feel. His tone, the feeling, the touches; it was too much for me and I was crumbling and crumbling fast. “God I hate you,” I moaned through gritted teeth. He shook his head quickly with furrowed eyebrows.

”I know, I know; I’m so sorry.” And his actions felt like it. I could feel how sorry he was when I lay under his gaze and when my body reeled under his touch.

”Close—“ was the only word I could pronounce and he nodded with a small smile. 

“Good because I-I am too.”

”Inside,” I gasped.

”Want me to cum inside you?” I nodded quickly. He held me so tight I knew I would see bruises later. I looked forward to it. “Yeah that’s it, baby. Make yourself feel good. Oh my god, I’m so-so fucking close.”

”Please,” I gasped. “Harder, I’m going to.” He didn’t say another word as he lifted himself up and grabbed my waist and fucked me like he wanted. I held onto him and I saw how quickly it washed over him; his face twisted with pleasure and I couldn’t blink as I watched his orgasm overwhelm him.

The feeling alone, of him finishing inside of me, was enough, and I knew I would never get his moans and his pleasured face out of my thoughts for a long, long time. I had to take my own hand away from me because it was all too much. He fucked me through my orgasm even as overstimulation settled in his body. 

The moment I went to push him away, he stopped moving and groaned with relief. I pulled him down until all his weight was on me. He kissed me like he meant it. I didn’t think I could ever kiss him without meaning it.

”Please let me in,” he sighed as he caught his breath. “Want to be with you and you only.” I nodded quickly. 

“We can only have each other.” He nodded enthusiastically as he rose to his elbows. I held his face in my hands. “God I fucking love you so much and if you’re an idiot I’ll kill you.”

”I’d deserve it.” I only smiled before I kissed him again.

A few more minutes of silence passed, and that was when I realized the sunset orange streaked through the blinds of his room. The golden rays illuminated through his dark hair as I brushed through it.

”Wait, how—Was Sam going to be gone the whole night?” Colby laughed.

”I’m not sure, but I’ll tell him to only come back once I text him.”

”What, why?” He looked up at me with an unimpressed boyish smirk.

”Do we not have a lot of time to make up for?” Heat spread across my face again and I shoved him back down to lay on me again.

”Shut up,” I laughed. “I guess so.”

”What? Do you want to get up and work or something?” 

“No, I’d rather take a shower. It’s fucking hot in this room and your cum is all over me.” He laughed and rose up to his knees. His eyes flickered over my disgusting body.

”Pretty sure it’s yours as well.”

”Whatever, it’s so gross.”

”Let’s take a shower then.”

”Oh, so you can get me dirty in the shower and then after all over again?” He rolled his eyes. Goosebumps raised in my skin in the wake of his touches.

”We’ll take as many as we need, I just want you.”

I rolled my eyes as if it was the corniest thing I ever heard, but I swooned like a girl because that was all I fantasized coming from his mouth.

✧˖*°࿐

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