aaron is the softest lover one could ever dream of having and iâll die on that !!! he seems so đ đ on the outside but he would do anything for his loved ones đ„č
you're so right, he's so grumpy on the exterior but a total sweetheart on the inside :") he would go to the ends of the earth, do anything to keep the smile on his family's face. and you can catch snippets of it in the show, how fatherly he is to spencer. how gentle he speaks to beth (should have been me đ ), how he jokes with rossi, how he sometimes flirts a little with emily đ, how kind hearted and reassuring he is to garcia and morgan. and how he still has so much respect for haley. before she died, even after she stomped all over his heart his respect never once wavered. what i would do to be in haley's position just oNCE!!!
i think that's what makes his character so lovable, you wouldn't expect him to have such a massive tender heart under all the tough exterior đ
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Daydreaming || 2/3 ||
Part one || Part three
Pairing: Fem!Reader x Aaron Hotchner
Description: A few months after the birthday party and numerous text messages, phone calls and dates, Aaron decides that itâs time for the next step; making reader his official girlfriend.
Content Warning: Fluffy fluff fluff, Dave and Aaron talk about reader in his office, the two boys are their biggest cheerleaders, there are some mentions of Haley, reader and Aaron go to dinner, mentioned wine consumption, all sealed off with a kiss.
Word Count: 2.3K
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This took me forever, oops.
Aaron never thought heâd be able to enjoy another womanâs company after the death of Haley. It was intimidating, having to go out into the world and face new women and start over again. He would joke with Dave, saying it was silly how he could hunt down the most despicable of people but when it came to beautiful women, he locked up.
It had gotten to a point where in the past, he would have the other male accompany him out on the town, where they would enjoy some time and David would work as hard as possible to set him up with someone.
Normally, those attempts ended in nothing, any form of a relationship fizzling out of existence after they realized just how chaotic Aaronâs job could be. He couldnât say he blamed anyone for changing their minds after they got a taste of the life he and his son lived.
Y/N really made his outlook change on the dating scene entirely. She understood him. They confided in one another as their trust and mutual attraction grew, the two exchanging numbers after the birthday party where they both met was a big factor in keeping them in contact. The two were moving at a slow pace, easing their way into a new relationship.
After what both of them had been through before, they were giving one another more than enough time to grow comfortable with the idea of dating again. They spent time together on coffee dates, dinner dates, even spending time together when their children had playdates.Â
The male truly believed that she was sent by Haley herself, the woman always wanting to make sure that Aaron and Jack were well taken care of. It helped that if she was still alive, those two wouldâve loved one another, they were similar in small ways yet it was something that gave a sense of familiarity.
When Aaron wasnât busy on a case, he found himself sitting in his home or office, a wide smile on his face as he was exchanging texts with the woman heâd grown so fond of.
He had found himself looking forward to her texts as well as her calls at the end of the evening.Â
Like today, it was a quiet day for the BAU, giving them the opportunity to finish filing some completed case files, finish paperwork, or talk amongst one another.
They went with the latter.
âHave you noticed how Hotch is always on his phone?â Derek asked, bringing the blue coffee cup to his lips as all the eyes in the bullpen were looking at the open blinds of the unit chiefâs office, revealing a big smile on Aaronâs face as his eyes were glued to his phone screen.
 Everyone had taken notice.
âHeâs smiled at that phone more than Iâm sure heâs smiled here.â Emily was the next to comment, making Spencer shrug his shoulders. âHe smiles at it everyday, itâs probably more than heâs smiled in his entire life. Iâd say that thereâs something, rather someone, is bringing it out of him.â
âBut who?â JJ asked, an eyebrow raising. Cue David Rossi making his appearance. âWhat are we looking at?â The older man asked, stopping by the desk with a clear view of Aaronâs office. âDo you know if Hotch has a girlfriend?â Emily inquired, not beating around the bush.
âNot that I know of. Now that you mention it, he has been.. Quite smiley lately.â It had Daveâs eyebrow raising in curiosity. Well, now he had to ask. It wouldâve been a crime if he didnât do that.
That was how Aaron found himself shut up in his office, phone resting against his desk as Dave was coming in strong. âWhatâs her name?â The question had the unit chief chuckling as he was leaning back against his chair. âExcuse me?â He asked, an eyebrow perched.
âWhat is her name, Aaron! You canât hide her from us forever.â He repeated, a smile forming on the maleâs face. Dave had been waiting for this moment for a while, so he had to know.
âFine, fine. You remember Jackâs little best friend? Well, I met his mom a couple months ago,â The way he was spilling all the information had the other male sitting in the chair across from him, looking as invested as a teenage girl who was hearing the hottest gossip with her best friend. âTell me about her,â Dave pressed on.
âSheâs a sweet woman, Dave. Really compassionate and caring. It helps that she understands the intricacies of our job. If you want me to be fully honest.. I think sheâs perfect. Not just for me but for Jack as well. Her son Finn is a little troublemaker with Jack.â He grinned, now ready to tell him everything he could.
The sight of the oldest members of the team continuing to talk in the office had the rest of the team looking between each other. âMaybe one of us just shouldâve asked. By the looks of Rossi, they are gonna be in there all day.â Derek spoke up while chuckling.Â
As the day was starting to come to an end though, Aaron was grabbing his coat from his chair before he was getting prepared to leave the office. The team found it suspicious that the man who used to essentially live at the BAU was actually going home, presumably to bask in the company of the secret companion he was hiding away.
They wouldnât be too far off. Thankfully, Y/N had already found a babysitter for Finn, which Jack was having a sleepover over at the Y/L/N house, judging by how the night went, Aaron would be staying too. However, he wouldn't get too far ahead of himself.Â
He went home first, getting changed from his work suit into a sleek, black ensemble. He got these reservations weeks ago, so he was putting forth every ounce of effort. Tonight would be the night where he made things official, god willing.Â
He knew that Y/N was the one for him and he knew that he loved her and Finn with his full heart. He knew Jack would be more than happy to welcome the woman and her son permanently into their lives.Â
Thatâs why Aaron stopped to get a bouquet of flowers, beautiful red roses that would no doubt bring a smile to the womanâs face. He had gotten to the familiar apartment, fist knocking against the door. His eyes scanned the hallway, feeling the chilly air of the evening hitting his exposed skin.Â
The moment the door opened though, he felt as if the wind was knocked out of him completely. There stood Y/N, her hair curled to perfection while wearing a velvety black dress, coming down to her mid thigh. It was enough to make the black haired man let his eyes do a slow sweep of her figure. âYou lookâŠâ He began.
âItâs too much, isnât it?âÂ
Well, too many clothes.
ââCourse not. You look gorgeous. Itâs a formal restaurant, so youâre perfectly within the dress code.â Aaron was quick to assure, a smile gracing his features as he was holding out the roses, to which the woman was letting out a breath she didnât know she was holding in. One of relief.Â
As she took the roses in her hands, she was smiling fondly. âThank you, Aaron. They are gorgeous.â Her words were soft. âOff we go, hmm?â She smiled, her arm linking with his as the two were on the way to the maleâs car.
The drive to the restaurant was filled with light chit chat, discussing their days at work as well as other plans they had for the rest of the week all the while being accompanied by the sounds of the soft music from the radio playing in the background.
The restaurant was packed, as expected. The waitlist for reservations could extend to weeks or even months, that was why the male was so lucky he had placed these reservations a while ago. âTable for two under Hotchner,â Aaron began, the two standing in front of the hostess.
As the woman scrolled through the tablet with what seemed like a million names on it, she was offering a smile. âAaron Hotchner. We have a table available, follow me please.â She instructed, the manâs hand resting on Y/Nâs lower back as they were navigating through the fairly busy restaurant to get to their table.
It was right in front of one of the windows, giving a nice view of the brightly lit town center.Â
Nervous was an understatement.
It wasnât like he was proposing but the thought of asking the beautiful woman in front of him to be his girlfriend was enough to have him sweating.
A man who profiles the worst people in the United States with no issue was nervous about asking a woman who was loving, caring, and sweet to be his girlfriend.
âSo, Finn was telling me that he and Jack had to be separated in class. Did you get the email too?â She asked, breaking the silence between them while laughing softly. âThey got split up in class?â He asked, thankful to be torn from his thoughts. âI havenât even checked. They are chatterboxes, we both know that. I assume that's why.â He chuckled.
âRight on the nose. Apparently theyâve been too busy planning sleepovers and talking about Spider-Man to focus on the lesson.â Y/N laughed, her eyes scanning the menu in her hand. âThose two boys are something else. Although, Jack told me something very sweet today when I picked the two up from school.â
Knowing Jack, he already spilled the surprise of what tonight was. âWhat did he say?â He asked, placing his menu down to give her his full attention.
âHe told me that he loved me. Melted my heart completely.â
Jack loves her. Thatâs more than enough confirmation.
âHe did?â There was a wide smile gracing his features. âThatâs awesome! Youâve wiggled your way into his heart with no problem. Itâs honestly a huge relief.â He admitted, the two smiling in admiration at one another. This was what Aaron and Jack needed. A woman who would love them unconditionally. Finn was an added bonus, giving Jack a brother and Aaron a second son to give his love and devotion to.Â
Dinner was pleasant, the two laughing and delving into more deep conversations over a nice glass of red wine, a little bit of suggestive dialogue being slipped in as the two grew more comfortable talking to one another.Â
As they were arriving back at her apartment and Aaron walked Y/N to the front door, her hands were digging through her clutch to find her house keys. âThank you so much for tonight, Aaron. Every date we go on is always.. Perfect.â A smile was on her face, now looking at the man who looked nervous in front of her.
Itâs now or never, Hotchner.
âHey, Y/N. Can I ask you something?âÂ
âWhat is it?âÂ
âWeâve been going out on dates these past few months and the more Iâve gotten to know you, the more that I realize that youâve been what Jack and I are missing,â He began, heart threatening to beat out of his chest. âHe truly adores you and he loves Finn. I have to admit that I am falling more and more in love with you each time I see you.âÂ
The admission had Y/Nâs cheeks turning red, eyes glossing over with tears. Not bad tears, rather tears of joy, realizing that this wasnât one sided. âI feel the same way about you, Aaron. You make me feel safe, like I belong. I never thought I would be able to find that again. Finn looks up to you so much, he even wants to be an FBI agent because of you.â The tears were falling freely, a smile on her face.
âHe does?â Aaron let out a laugh, his own eyes starting to blink away a few tears. Tears of relief, relief that she was in the same boat as he was. âThe thought of settling down has always scared me.â The male admitted. âMy job is dangerous, time consuming, and it makes it hard to keep a steady relationship.âÂ
Y/N was wiping her tears while offering a sweet smile, filled with reassurance.âIâll always be here for you and Jack, no matter how busy your job gets.â She assured, her hand reaching to take his right one. âI love you and I love Jack.â
The weight of the world was lifted off of Aaronâs shoulders, much like it was lifted off Y/Nâs. âAnd Iâll always be here for you and Finn.â He whispered in assurance, a fond smile gracing his features. âI love you and I love Finn.â He parroted.
This was the right moment to do it, so Y/N went for it. She was leaning up, her lips pressed against Aaronâs. The kiss was slow, yet there was an outpour of love and longing. As they parted ways, they were both reduced to soft laughter.
âIt took us forever to do this.â The man joked, making the woman in front of him giggle. âToo damn long.â She corrected his words while pressing a kiss against the underside of his jaw, smiling against his skin.
âI need to formally ask this. Will you be my girlfriend, Y/N?â Aaronâs voice was soft, the smile on his face radiating a warmth in her chest.Â
âYou really have to ask, Hotchner? Of course Iâll be your girlfriend. Now come inside.. Itâs a little cold and I don't think I can bear to send you on your way.â She sighed dramatically, unlocking the front door before being unable to help a soft squeal that left her lips when Aaron was playfully tossing her over his shoulder.Â
âI thought youâd never ask.â
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A List of Gill's Favorite Sibling Moments Between Hotch and RR (Part 2)
A continuation of my favorite sibling moments between Hotch and RR! (Part 1)
---
Being Jack's Madrina (godmother)
Haley suggesting you to be Jack's godmother and Hotch is so happy about it:
When Hotch and Haley started thinking of god parents for Jack Hotch wanted to suggest you because you're like his family, you're the closest thing he has to a sister. But he wasn't sure because Haley has Jessica so when HALEY SUGGESTS YOU HOTCH ABSOLUTELY MELTS.
---
Rossi-Reid Gets Hurt (S1)
Hotch being unable to function because he's so worried about his unbiological little sister:
Hotch is trying to be in unit chief mode and usually he's very good at compartamentalizing but he isn't thinking clearly because you're not just Rossi-Reid... you're little Rossi-Reid; the younger sister he never asked for but he's forever grateful he has and the thought of losing you is overriding every other thought in his brain.
---
Spencer and Rossi-Reid on Valentine's Day
The year Rossi had to go on a case so Hotch was the best brother ever:
Of course the entire BAU knew that Rossi went above and beyond for his daughter on Valentine's day, and even though she's the one who told him to go, Hotch still saw that she was sad.
Before his dinner date with Haley, he ran out to the nearest drug store and got RR a box of chocolates and dropped it off on his way to pick Haley up.
He just left it on the porch, rang the doorbell, and left. He didn't even have time to write that it was from him because he was in such a rush.
But RR knew and texted him anyway
"Thanks, Hotch. And don't worry. She's gonna say yes."
"Stop calling me Hotch. Hopefully she says yes."
Haley said yes.
---
The Big Game and Revelations
Even Haley sees it:
âHow are they treating you at the BAU, Emily?â You heard Haley say as you approached them.
âShe means, am I being nice to you?â Hotch said.
âActually, everyone has been incredibly nice.â Emily smiled.
âI think itâd be nice if the boss covered all our drinks tonight,â you said as you walked up beside Emily.
Haley laughed and Hotch cracked a smile. âFor everyone but you, (Y/N),â he said.
You faked offense, bringing a hand to your chest before turning to the Hotchner. You knew she always got a kick out of your theatrics. âHaley, do you see how he treats me?â
Haley laughed again. âYou be nice to her,â she scolded Hotch playfully. He pouted and she laughed again. âI swear you two bicker like siblings.â
RR talking about how "gross" they are, but also hoping that her and Reid continue to love one another like Hotch and Haley:
âThatâs so sweet!â Emily sighed a bit.
âIt gets a little gross after twelve years,â you told her. âEspecially when I had to listen to him pin nonstop for the first two years they dated⊠"Oh I never thought sheâd love me, why do I have to go on a case for twenty four hours away from my love, oh why, why, whyââŠâ You tried your best to mock young Hotch in love.
âSo you and Reid wonât be gross in another eight years?â Emily asked.
You watched Hotch spin Haley around on the dancefloor, both of them simply enjoying the presence of one another. The way they moved with one another had nothing to do with acts of lust (unlike Morgan who was⊠being Morgan), and everything to do with knowing a person inside and out. Hotch leaned in to whisper something to Haley and she threw her head back with laughter. Her laugh made him smile.
In all the years you had known Aaron Hotchner, no one could make him smile like Haley Brooks did.
âMaybe a little,â you said, just low enough that no one could hear you over the music.
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Slipping Through My Fingers
Emily PrentissXdaughter!reader!Â
A/n: Just a story based on the ABBA song Slipping through my fingers. Any French words used come from my little knowledge and Google translate!
D/N-Dates Name
Because It is easier, Reader is going to end up with Jack Hotchner because I feel like it.
~Jack Hotchner Face Claim: Joe Alwyn~
Schoolbag in hand She leaves home in the early morning
âMommy!!â five year old Y/n yells as she rushes down the stairs to the kitchen where her mother currently is.Â
âIn the kitchen baby!â Emily calls out as she watches her daughter run to her.Â
âMommy I have school today hurry!â Y/n says smiling brightly.
Emily canât help but laugh lovingly. âOkay ChĂ©rie. I am going to put your lunch in your bag then we can goâ Emily says causing her daughter to jump and squeal before walking off.Â
(Darling)
After Emily got to the school she watched as Y/n walked into her classroom trying not to cry.Â
Waving goodbye with an absent-minded smile, I watch her go with a surge of that well-known sadness
As her laughter dies down Emily sets her Y/n down in her chair at her desk. She quickly notices Y/nâs nanny/babysitter approaching them.Â
âAhh Thank you for picking Y/n up here Taylor it really means a lot!â Emily says causing the young adult to smile.Â
âOf course! I donât mind at all! Are you ready to go Y/n?â Taylor questions cause the child to smile happily and nod her head.Â
Emily gives her daughter the biggest hug and kiss in the world and watches as Taylor and Y/n leave the bullpen. Y/n of course waves goodbye to her mother and her motherâs teammates them blows a kiss causing Penelope to gasp happily and Emily smile brightly.Â
The feeling that I'm losing her forever and without really entering her world
Emily paces back and fourth in the living room trying to get ahold of her daughter. âY/n Angelique Prentiss I swear to god you better answer your phone! You are past your curfew. Two hours past might I add! Goddamn Y/n!! Where are you?â Emily yells into her phone before giving up.Â
Just was Emily was about to call Garcia and ask her to track Y/nâs phone the front door opens causing Emily to whip around.Â
âWhere the hell have you been Y/n?â Emily crosses her arms over her chest.Â
âOut. Iâm sorry. We lost track of timeâ Y/n explains with a role of her eyes.Â
âWe?â Emily questions.
âJack and Iâ Y/n says nonchalantly before going upstairs and shutting her door making Emily sigh and it on the couch with her head in her hands,Â
I'm glad whenever I can share her laughter, that funny little girl
âAre you serious?â Y/n questions while trying to breathe from her laughter.Â
âI am! Your Uncle Morgan was so scared after he and uncle Spencer got stuck in the elevator!â Emily says laughing causing her daughter to laugh even more.Â
âI canât even picture his face!! Did he play it off cool like he wasnât scared?â Y/n asks between uneven breaths.Â
âOh of course he did! He tried but failed to play it offâ Emily says while smiling at her daughters laughter.Â
Slipping through my fingers all the time, I try to capture every minute
Emily smiled as she stood in the doorway of Y/nâs room watching her get ready for her first date with D/N.Â
âMom can you help me with my hair?â Y/n asks turning around to her mother who nodded.Â
âOf course I can mon amourâ Emily says and walks over.Â
(My Love)
After Emily finished Y/nâs hair, Y/n stood up and hugged her mom tightly before walking off to pick out an outfit.Â
Popping her head, Y/n looks at Emily with a smile. âMerci maman. Je t'aimeâ Y/n states.Â
(Thanks Mama. I love you)
âJe vous en prieâ Emily says before Y/n goes back to her closet to hunt for an outfit.Â
(You are Welcome)
Then when she's gone there's that odd melancholy feeling, And a sense of guilt I can't deny
âWhat is going through that bright mind of yours?â Emily questions while poking at her daughters head. They had just moved back from England because of the whole Doyle thing. Then Hotch asked Emily to take over as Unit Chief.Â
âI donât know. Just nervous about college I guessâ Y/n states as they start walking toward the massive building that is Yale University.Â
âDonât be! You are extremely smart Y/n! You were top of your class and graduated early. You are going to do amazing here!â Emily says giving her daughter and light squeeze on the arm.Â
âBut I am gonna be eight hours away! Plus with you traveling a lot because of the BAUâ Y/n rambles.Â
âHunny! Calm down! Yes I will be eight hours away but you are strong and independent. You are going to be okay my love. Also your Auntie Penelope is already planning to call you everydayâ Emily explains as they reach Y/nâs dorm room.Â
Y/n turns to Emily and pulls her in for a bear hug. Emily just holds her daughter tightly not letting go for a few minutes.Â
âAlright. I have to get back. You are going to do amazing Y/n! I promise and you know you can call me anytime you need. I am so proud of you ChĂ©rieâ Emily says letting go of her daughter.Â
(Darling)
âThank you mama. I love youâ Y/n says giving her mother one last short hug before staring to walk away.Â
âI love you too Y/nâ Emily says causing both of them to smile.Â
Sometimes I wish that I could freeze the picture, And save it from the funny tricks of time, Slipping through my fingers
Walking out of Rossiâs house and toward the rest of the party, Emily notices Y/n and Jack sitting together and Y/n is playing Chess against Spencer and surprisingly winning.Â
Emily walked over just as Spencer gained the upper hand and beat Y/n causing her to sigh but laugh at how excited Spencer was. Â
âY/n come help me with something real quickâ Emily called out as she wasnât too far from her daughter.Â
âOkay! Coming mama!â Y/n called out as she kissed Jackâs cheek and walked over to her mother to help.Â
âWhatcha need?â Y/n questions with a smile.Â
âWill you help me by cutting the watermelon while I cute the cantaloupe?â Emily questions causing her daughter to smile.Â
âOf course!â Y/n states happily while getting to work.Â
While they were halfway down, Jack came over and sat across from Y/n and started eating the food she had cut.Â
âStope eating it Jack!â Y/n stated while swatting his hand away.
Emily looked at her daughter with a smile wishing she could freeze the picture she is seeing. She then starts thinking about her daughter when she was younger with a soft smile on her face.Â
Schoolbag in hand she leaves home in the early morning. Waving goodbye with an absent-minded smile Â
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I'm about to finish season 9 and I just found out that Emily won't be back until probably s12. Is it even worth it anymore????? I miss herrr đ«
I guess I'll go rewatch minimal loss for the 454332559th time then <333
Any good emily episodes you think I'd like to watch right now??
ngl season 10 things start to really get miserable lmao even the eps where emily guest stars (even the eps where emily is unit chief)
emily episodes!!! every episode is an emily episode the same way every episode of a hotch episode but these are my favs: 3x05 seven seconds is easily one of the best cm episodes of all time, you already said 4x03 but thereâs nothing wrong w watching that ep ten times in a row, 3x02 showing her commitment to the teeeeeeam in name and blood is truly one of the all time best eps, 2x09 ik sheâs barely in it but sheâs literally soooo cute, 2x21 for some reason i always associate open season w emily?? even tho its not really ab her akdhkshd she just looks so good, 4x09 52 pickup what a legendary episode w her gf jordan todd, 4x13 bloodline has the interrogation of all time, 4x21 its not really about her but its such a funny episode and her little speech at the end is sooooo fucking funny, 5x01/02 are technically hotch episodes but actually theyâre about emily, 5x11 love when she gets hit by a car <3 v sexy of her, 6x17/18 obvious classics, 7x09 its not really an emily episode and tbh sheâs not even in it that much but her saying âyeah, we need to know more about that kidâ in the middle of eating is stuck in my mind forever, 7x12 this ep always makes me think of elle but it is technically an emily episode so here we go
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You Can Hear It In The Silence
Summary: Sneaking around can be fun, but sometimes the silence is just too quiet, or falling in love with your best friend.Â
Pairing: Spencer x Fem Reader (SMUT) MINORS DNIÂ
Word Count: 3.7KÂ
Warnings: Smut Minors DNI (Itâs smut, nothing kinky but very romantic and soft) oral (both receiving), kissing, lovebites and tame scratching, penetrative sex, unprotected sex in a committed relationship(like last time, let me know if I missed anything)Â
Authorâs Note: Minors please DNI, I have a lot of other fluff pieces that are totally acceptable for you guys to read. I hope that this isnât too schmaltzy because that just gives me agita. This is based off You are In Love by Taylor Swift and maybe a little bit of Dress
You Can Hear It In The SilenceÂ
Itâs a blurry line, going from best friends to dating. Thereâs nothing like playing that dangerous game of stolen glances and surreptitious touches in a dark room. Eyes ranking over figures decked out in soft cardigans and tweed blazers or black dress pants and silk blouses, desperately wanting to see more, touch more, taste more. The senses could only sated for so long before the desire for more bubbles to the surface.Â
Across the table, Spencer watches as Y/N sips the red wine JJ brought over. Itâs hard to not watch her; to not completely hone in on the way her eyes are light with laughter, or the way her hair cascades down her shoulder, blending into the dark green color of her dress. Spencer kills himself trying to not look at her because he knows if he does, heâs done. Or rather, he knows that if he lets himself love her openly, heâll only end up hurting themselves. So, he sits there, in Derekâs backyard trying to pretend that heâs not staring at Y/N. The only thought that comforts him is holding on to the idea that Y/N is doing the same thing. He supposes thatâs what happens to relationships that blossom from the shadows of secrecy. In their attempts to not hurt others, they end up almost destroying themselves.Â
He decides to pretend to find Garicaâs cuckoo clock fascinating. He stares at the wacky colored birds and swinging arms entirely too long. In the corner of his eye Spencer watches the next couple of moments unfold. JJ and Garcia drunkenly bounce over to Y/N; they put their arms around her in a fit of giggles and smiles. Garciaâs arm extends around JJâs neck and she lets out a loud announcement for a âSelfieâ or rather what Spencer can only assume is a photograph of the three of them. The phone, even though Spencer does have some disdain for the invention, sure does serve its purpose. In all the light rays bouncing around and the blinding flash, pure magic happens. Spencer is aware that it makes him sound like a total sap, but heâs jealous of the phone. Heâs jealous that his eidetic memory may only allow him to remember the Y/Nâs notes in the margins of her case file or the annual âHappy Birthday, Geniusâ on a Hallmark card once a year. What he would give to just be able to capture her in the light of company, not hanging on to fleeting memories in the shadows.
Lost in his thoughts, Spencer does not notice an unusually drunk Unit Chief wandering over to the empty chair next to him. All of his awkwardness, Spencer is not sure if he should acknowledge his drunken boss or stop staring at his secret girlfriend. Itâs at time like these that Spencer resorts to reciting Crime and Punishment or 100 Years of Solitude either seem ironically appropriate.Â
âReid,â Hotch says, leans in close, far too close for the usual uptight and business-like Aaron Hotchner that Spencer has grown to know.Â
âHotch?â Spencer answers, his voice laced with trepidation and anxiety.Â
âYou gotta stop staring at Y/L/N. Youâre gonna rat on yourselves if you donât stop staring at her like that,â Hotch tells him, his breath might smell like whiskey, but his eyes tell Spencer that heâs a lot more sober than he seems.Â
âLike what?â Spencer counters, choosing to play dumb at best as he could, or at least just slightly clueless.Â
âThat doesnât work on me, Reid. You should stop looking at her like you love her,âÂ
Spencer looks at his boss, at Y/N, and back at his drink. Was he seriously that transparent?Â
âI donât know what youâre talking about, Hotch. Y/N and I are-âÂ
âSpence! Spencer!,â Y/N shouts as she practically runs over to where Spencer sits with Hotch, watching the rest of the team.Â
Itâs like Hotch isnât even there anymore, itâs like no one is even there. God, it might sound sappy, but Spencer doesnât care anymore. Itâs going to kill him playing it like he doesnât care about Y/N, especially considering heâs doing a mediocre job.Â
âI have a really bad headache, Spence. And I need you to take me home,â Y/N asks him, and Spencer notices an eager glint in her eyes that tells him all he needs to know.Â
âKeep this between us please, Hotch? Just until we figure it out,â Spencer almost pleads to Hotch who answers with a dismissive wave. He leaves them there to figure out their plans to sneak out of Garciaâs undetected.Â
âHotch knows? Of course you know,â Y/N says with a roll of her eyes and a quick wink at Spencer, whose growing embarrassment from the situation is only second to his excitement at the night to come.Â
âSpence, go say goodbye for me? Iâm going to head to your car. You really gotta sell that Iâm feeling sick,â Y/N tells him, standing a little too close and dipping her hand a little too low on Spencerâs waist for this to be a friendly gesture to any of their friends that might pass by. She takes a peak around the room and reaches her hand into Spencerâs pocket. He gives her a startled glance, but they both know that the thrill of sneaking around like this is kind of worth it.Â
As Y/N ducks out of the room, Spencer makes his way to where Emily, JJ, Garcia, and Derek sit at the kitchen table taking shots of a clear liquid Spencer thinks is tequila. Great, Spencer thinks. Him and his secret girlfriend, who as far as the team knows is his best friend, have to sneak out of Garicaâs place in front of a pile of loud drunks. Spencer feels his phone buzz, altering him that there is a very impatient Y/N waiting in the car for him Â
âUh, Garcia, Y/Nâs got a really bad headache. I think itâs an onset of one of her migraines that she gets from red wine,â Spencer lies through his teeth, completely terrified from the way Emily glares at him. Itâs like she can see right through him.
âSo youâre taking her home?â Derek asks, speeding along the process and for that Spencer considers himself forever grateful.Â
âYeah, you know we are neighbors after all,â Spencer reasons.Â
The awkward silence in the kitchen is only interrupted by JJâs quiet humming to the song that plays in the background. Derek and Emily share a knowing glance as Penelope starts pouring the next round of shots.Â
âIâll see you guys on Monday, Y/N is waiting for me in the car,â Spencer says without a further glance to his very perceptive colleagues.Â
âYou go take care of Y/N, Pretty Boy!â Derek yells as Spencer walks out of the apartment, slamming the door behind him, perhaps a little too eagerly.Â
When Spencer gets to his car, he stops himself before opening the door. In the light from the lamppost, Spencer can see his reflection in the back window of his car. He runs a hand through his hair and attempts to fix the crookedness of his tie. Smiling to himself, Spencer gets into the driverâs seat of his car and is greeted by Y/N, who even in the dark makes him feel alive.Â
âHey,â he offers nervously. Even though theyâve been together loads of times, there is a tingle of intimidation that settles in his heart everytime she looks at him.Â
Never the one to shy down from a confrontation, Y/N leans in and places her hand gracefully on Spencerâs neck and her face looms close to his ear. Her voice is low and seductive and Spencer swears he can feel himself melt at the feeling of her being this close and him able to touch her. He brings his hands up to rest, one on her upper thigh, placed bravely under the slip of her silk dress, and the other draws circles around her elbow..Â
âSpencer, I need you to drive us home,â Y/N tells him a voice that Spencer knows he could never deny.Â
He doesnât answer her, because the silence speaks for itself. They can hear all they need to know in the silence. The quiet way that their bodies seem to just gravitate to each other. Spencerâs hand cups Y/Nâs thigh and her fingers graze the back of Spencerâs neck. Itâs those quiet touches that tell the other what they are too afraid to say aloud.Â
The quietness settles between them even as they pull into the parking spot. Itâs like theyâre dance partners, completely a routine of sneaking in the shadows effortlessly. Or like theyâre actors in a play, pretending that theyâre not dying to play the role in reality. Itâs a dangerous game that they play. But all of that is forgotten, pushed to the side as Spencer opens the door and the curtain rises.Â
Y/N initiates the kiss, pushing Spencer down on the couch. She straddles his waist, her silky green dress spills over her thighs and Spencer is in awe of how the color contrasts against her bare skin. Heâs not an artist, but looking at her heâs sure he has laid his eyes on the most beautiful being heâs ever seen. He might not believe in magic, itâs all just science and mind tricks, but heâs nothing but transfixed at the women sitting in his lap.Â
âSpencer, please get these clothes off,â Y/N commands in a voice that gives away how badly she wants him.Â
âWait your turn, Y/Nâ Spencer says in a teasing tone that brings out Y/Nâs sly smile.Â
âThen do something!â Y/N shouts, getting even more impatient than she was in the car.Â
âYouâre so beautiful like this, I-I mean youâre always so beautiful, but youâre just so-â Spencer stammers over his words, and the only thing heâs sure of is that his insecurity is the biggest turn off. But Y/N continues to surprise him each and everyday, and tonight is no less.Â
âSlow down, baby. Itâs just me. Thereâs no need to go so fast right now. We have all night,â Y/N soothes, craning down her neck to plant wet kisses down Spencerâs neck. Sheâs probably leaving marks, Spencer thinks, but his desire to be seen as herâs outweighs the teasing from Morgan on Monday.Â
The fact that itâs Y/N perched in his lap, kissing down his neck and wiggling around in a way that she can feel everything does nothing to fend off the adrenaline that Spencerâs high off of.Â
âI need to see your face,â Spencer says holding her by the shoulders. He reaches around her as she leans back to unzip her dress. She stands so it falls to the ground in a pool of dark green fabric. Her body is out in the open to him and Spencerâs flushed face must be on fire by now.Â
âI need to see your face, Spencer,â Y/N says in a way that Spencer knows that he canât disobey.Â
Thereâs that silence again. That loud silence, filled with lines of unsaid love poems and quiet love songs. The silence that says the perfect things that Y/N deserves to hear, but Spencer is too scared to say. Three months too soon to say, I love you, Spencer tells himself. His mind spins so fast that he feels guilty for neglecting the naked woman standing before him.Â
âIf youâre gonna fuck me Spence, weâre gonna do it in a bed. I love you and all but this couch is not going to handle me when I get a hold of you,â Y/N says as she runs off into his bedroom, leaving Spencer dumbfounded in her wake.Â
Spencer swallows down his fears and anxieties. He sheds his clothes off during his walk to the bedroom. Y/N lies down on his bed and Spencer wonât let the silence speak for him this time.Â
âHow are you this perfect, Y/N?â Spencer asks as he crawls in between Y/Nâs legs. He rests his hands on her upper thighs and looks at her like expects her to answer his question. Spencer dips his fingers down to the place Y/N wants him the most. In the low light from Spencerâs lamp he can see how his fingers glisten.Â
âYou took too long at Pennyâs Spence, I had to start without you,â Y/N explains, a slight flush to her cheeks reminds Spencer that she too is just as affected by him as he is by her.Â
âYou touched yourself in my car?â Spencer asks pressing a firm kiss on each side of Y/N hip bones. He dances his long fingers up to her stomach, where her own hands sit as if sheâs shielding this part from him.Â
âYeah,â Y/N tells him, slightly breathless from the small kisses Spencer places on her stomach and back down to the softest part of her inner thighs. He tells himself that heâs got to slow himself down before he loses it at the site Y/N wriggling and moaning at his smallest touches.Â
âI left you a present in your glove compartment, Spence,âÂ
âHuh, who knew I had such a naughty girl,â Spencer says with an unfamiliar bravery in his voice. Unsurprisingly, Y/N picks up on this and decides to see how far she can take it.Â
âI have needs, Spencer. Do you think you can take care of them?âÂ
Spencer doesnât respond, but ducks his head down to drag his tongue across her clit, feeling how wet she is. He refuses to break eye contact and realizes how obsessed he would get if sheâd let him do this for the rest of his life. Spencerâs eyes carefully watch how Y/Nâs facial expressions morph in intense pleasure. Itâs like a science experiment. When he plunges his tongue into her, she closes her eyes. But when he blows softly on her inner thighs then leaves hot, wet kisses her fingers come up to latch onto his scalp. He peers at her and waits for the way she moans when he slips one, then two fingers in her. He curls them up in such a way that he knows drives her crazy.Â
âOh my God, Spencer! Please,â Y/N cries, twisting in the sheets. He continues at the pace heâs set, chasing the blissful feeling of her coming undone because of him. The moments leading up to her release, Y/N tears her hand away from Spencerâs head and connects her palm into his. Holding her hand, Spencer whispers praises and presses small kisses into her pussy.Â
âCome here and kiss me now, baby. I need you,â Y/N whispers, grasping onto whatever parts of Spencer she could touch. Her fingers move to cup his face and she holds him like heâs made of glass. In between the soft sheets and even softer touches, Spencer knows what itâs like to feel precious. Y/N cranes her head forward to attack Spencerâs neck with kisses. She relishes in the soft and supple skin of his neck. Once again, Spencer finds himself not caring that sheâs going to leave marks.Â
âHow are you this perfect, Spencer?â Y/N asks Spencer, who for the first time in his life does not have an answer for a question.Â
He closes his and lets himself float around in the fuzzy feeling in his brain. All he can focus on is Y/Nâs mouth. The way her praises make him believe in forever and the way her kisses litter his cheeks, eyes, chest.Â
âYouâre the perfect one, Y/N. I donât even compare,â Spencer says as he watches Y/N twist underneath him and somehow maneuver herself so he lies beneath her.Â
âNone of that, Spencerâ She tells him sharply. Y/N drags her nails down Spencerâs chest, not leaving scratches, just light discoloration. Her head and mouth is dangerously close to where his hardened cock lays leaking between his legs.Â
She grasps around the base and just gingerly touches him that Spencer is sure heâs going to be blinded from the pleasure. Suddenly he feels almost self conscious. His anxiety is not unknown to Y/N, who lays a comforting hand in his, mirroring her earlier motion.Â
âYou donât have to Y/N. I mean if you donât want to. I donât want you to think just because Iâm your boyfriend and I did it for you-â Spencer rushes out, terrified of what Y/Nâs reaction will be.Â
âLook at me, Spencer. Do you want me to suck your cock, baby? Look at me,â Y/N says in a voice that Spencer doesnât recognize and doesnât dare ignore.Â
âYes,â he breathes out, his voice shakes as he feels Y/Nâs mouth take in his tip. He hisses at the sensation. The smallest movements set him on fire. Spencerâs large hands come up to hover over Y/Nâs shoulder blades.
âDonât be quiet, baby. I want to hear you,â Y/N says before she deepens her hold of. She releases him to glide her younger down the side, sending shockwaves of pure pleasure in Spencerâs entire being.Â
âYou like that, Spencer. You like my mouth on your cock, baby?â Y/N eggs him on.Â
Even though heâs lost the ability to speak, Spencerâs moans bounce around the room. He knows heâs a whimpering mess below Y/N, but heâs chasing the feeling of release shamelessly.Â
âY/N, Y/N. Baby, you gotta stop. Or Iâm gonna cum right now,â Spencer chants, tightening his grip on Y/Nâs hand. He forces himself to calm down to focus on Y/N, but itâs a little difficult when all Y/N is focusing on him.Â
Spencer sat up, his back against the headboard, and he pulled Y/N forward so she rested in his lap. She grins up at him, and Spencer can feel his heart squeeze at the look. Sheâs going to be the death of him, but at least heâll die a happy man.Â
Much to Y/Nâs pleasure, Spencer lets out a lewd moan as she grinds down, pressing her wet pussy to his throbbing cock. He feels a little ridiculous getting so worked up and sheâs not even inside him yet.Â
âPlease, Y/N. I need you, Iâm not going to last long,â Spencer utters. He says her name like a prayer, itâs a hymn to her ears.Â
âI got you, Spence,â she tells him, sheathing his length into her.Â
Spencer pulls Y/N in closer so that their chests are flush together. Among the chorus of moans and mumbles of praise, Spencer reaches down to hold Y/Nâs hand. Heâs not a believer in soulmates. He was sure that heâd never find his match. Never find the one person whoâd share his dreams and become his dream. But sitting there, Spencer cannot deny that heâs tethered to Y/N. Their hands link together and mouths refuse to let go, searching for any exposed skin.Â
âSpencer,â Y/N groans, leaning her forehead into his. She looks into his eyes and Spencer dares to wonder if her eyes are glassy because of him. Itâs magic how someone like her can make a believer, a dreamer out of a man afraid of living.Â
Spencer closes his eyes in pure ecstasy. Y/N sucks along the tender skin of his chest, causing him to flush at her ministrations. He can feel her tighten inside him, so he snakes his fingers down to stroke her clit, exciting moans and more fervent kisses along his chest and up to his ear.Â
âJust like that, Spence. Youâre so perfect my sweet boy,âÂ
âY/N, cum on me, cum on me baby,â Spencer cries, finally able to let go as he feels himself come undone underneath Y/N.
Spencerâs whimpers and constant moans set Y/N over the edge. She mewled into Spencerâs shoulder, kissing and nipping the sensitive skin. As her orgasm rakes over her body, Y/N tugs on Spencerâs hair, suddenly quite happy heâs keeping it almost shoulder length.Â
Both of them feel their bodies come back to life, their breathing steadies and their hearts seem to beat a little bit slower. Gone were the array of moans. Gone was the burning desire to chase their release. Gone was the sound of praise. All that stands between Spencer and Y/N is the silence. The silence that says quite enough for them.Â
The silence thatâs braver than Spencer.Â
Heâs quiet as Y/N flops to his side, entirely spent and tired from the company of friends and strenuous activities that just transpired.Â
âI know what youâre thinking, Spenceâ She offers, turning to her side to look at him. He gives her a straight faced smile, unsure of how to approach the subject. He knows that she knows what heâs thinking about, sometimes even before heâs thinking about it.Â
âI meant it, Spencer. I really do love you,â Y/N professes, finally breaking the silence. Spencer swallows as his eyes scan the girl before him.Â
âYouâre my best friend, Y/N,â Spencer says quietly, and suddenly realizes that itâs probably not what a girl who just confessed her love for you wants to hear. But he knows that Y/N understands-- she understands him.Â
âWhat I mean is, I want midnight coffee nights with you. I want small talk and deep conversations and everything in between,â Spencer says quickly. âI want you in secret Y/N, but I want you in public too,âÂ
Spencer watches his confession settle into Y/Nâs face. Heâs scared for the rejection, for the daylight to break on his dream.
âIâve waited for you to say that for so long, Spence,â She says, leaning in to close the gap between their naked bodies. Spencer pulls her in to rest his chin on top of Y/Nâs head. Itâs comforting being there, feeling her heartbeat in the tune of his own. He feels safe, wrapped up around in Y/N.
Theyâre sweaty and smell like sex, but Spencer doesnât care. His hair is messy and heâs exhausted, but Spencer doesnât care. His neck and chest are littered with lovebites and marks, but Spencer doesnât care. After months of running around in the shadows, months of letting the unsaid say what he desperately wants to say, months of being patient but dying with anticipation, Spencer doesnât care. Spencer doesnât care because on Monday morning, Y/N wonât drop his hand when they walk into the bullpen.Â
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Pictures of You
Pairing: Aaron Hotchner x Fem!Reader
Summary: you lose your memories of the last few years, including the ones of your relationship with Aaron. The rest of the team thinks itâs hilarious.
Word Count: 5.3k
Warnings: memory loss, swearing, some angst, hospital, talk of injuries, team shenanigans and fluff
A/N: okay this was a lot of fun to write bc soft!Hotch rights !! also really wanted to make the team play a larger role in a fic so here we go :)
Masterlist
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You wake in a hospital bed, Morgan by your side, and a godawful pounding in your cloudy head. With a groan, you try to raise one of your hands to cover your eyes as Morganâs head shoots up to stare at you with a relieved smile.
âHey,â he says, catching your hand before you can lift it higher, âDonât do that. You had a nasty fall, Princess.â
Satisfied that you wonât make any more moves towards your head, he sits back down at your side.
âShould I even ask how youâre doing orâŠâ he trails off when you glare at him. âIâll go let the team know youâre okay. Boss Man will be happy to hear you finally woke up,â and with that, Morgan is up and out of the room before you can even open your mouth because what.
Shifting around in the bed, you try to gauge just how injured you are, but the soreness in literally your entire body coupled with the haziness in your mind from the constant pain makes you conclude that youâll leave it to the doctors to tell you whatâs wrong. Sighing, you gently tilt your head to the side and observe the various beeping monitors.
The door opens and as you turn to see who it is, your mouth opens in disbelief. Thereâs no way. Thereâs absolutely no fucking way. This is fake. This is a dream. Your stomach simultaneously drops and fills with dread. How is this possible?
âYouâre dead. Youâre dead. We buried you,â you say in a rush, as none other than Emily fucking Prentiss stops by the side of your bed, looking at you confusedly. âDoes this mean Iâm dead? Are you a ghost?â you wonder out loud, and Emily looks behind her as the rest of the team, except Hotch, file in behind her, seemingly fine with her sudden appearance.
âHow are you here, why are you here, what happened? You died. Youâre supposed to be dead which means Iâm probably dead,â you continue to ramble, frantically looking from at each member of your team and then back to Emily.
âWhat? Y/N, you arenât dead. Just like Iâm not dead,â she says like itâs the most obvious thing in the world.
âBut you are,â you say shakily, chest tightening as your breaths become shorter and shorter.
âY/NâŠâ she says slowly, softly, âI faked my death four years ago.â
And with that, your ears rush and your mind goes blank. No no no no no no we buried her six months ago, sheâs dead. You donât notice the rest of the team trading glances around you as the world you thought you knew shatters and reforms in your mind.
âNo,â you croak, throat suddenly constricting, but Emily only looks at you worriedly, Reid slipping out the door behind her.
âY/N, can you take some deep breaths for me?â and your head turns to find JJ at your other side, hand on your shoulder. âLetâs breathe, you can do this,â she says, taking exaggerated breaths to demonstrate, smiling gently as you cooperate.
Reid enters, now, followed by a doctor who, immediately upon reaching your side, proceeds to shine a light in your eyes and asks you to complete all sorts of short tests while the team looks on.
âNow, Agent Y/L/N, Dr. Reid informed me that you seem to be having some memory issues, which is normal,â the doctor assures you, âespecially with the head trauma you endured. So, tell me what you can remember and weâll go from there,â he says with a helpful smile.
Fuck. What do you remember?
âWellâŠâ you trail off, trying to pin-point an exact moment. âI remember EmilyâAgent Prentissââfuneral because it was six months ago, but apparentlyââ your eyes slide over the rest of the team, ââapparently, it was more like four years ago,â you finish slowly.
âAnd thatâs as recent as you can remember?â the doctor pushes. You nod your head. âWell, Agent Y/L/N, it seems that you have post-traumatic retrograde amnesia, which isnât a surprise, as I said before. My guess is that itâs temporary, and that youâll recover your memories in time.â
âAny ideas how long?â Emily speaks up, carefully looking at your face.
âWith cases such as these, there isnât a definite timeline or standard procedure for memory recovery,â the doctor explains. âIt may help to look at photos or videos and tell stories to try and help Agent Y/L/N heal quicker, but the brain is tricky,â and with that wonderful statement, the doctor turns and exits, leaving you and your team staring at each other, processing the fact that you donât know when youâll get your memories of the last four freakinâ years back.
âSo, from the research Iâve done, it seems thatââ Reid is cut off by the door flying open and Aaron Hotchner, your Unit Chief, bursting into the room with a concerned look on his face wearing a hoodie and jeans.
Morgan tries to grab his shoulder, but Hotch shakes him off as he walks right up to your bedside and grabs your hand. Holy shit. Heat rises to your cheeks instantly and you think your heart might have actually skipped a beat but, you canât help it, youâve had a crush on Hotch for ages and heâs holding your hand. But you donât remember a time when Hotch was so forward in showing concern for one of his agents.
âIâm so sorry I wasnât here when you woke up, Sweetheartââ youâre pretty sure youâre dreaming because Hotch has never called you Sweetheart. Ever. Youâve also never seen him in anything other than a suit. ââJessica called because Jack has the flu and then he wanted to talk to me andââ
âHotch!â Morgan all but yells, interrupting Hotchâs update on Jack, as you stare pointedly at his hand, still holding yours, trying to control the redness growing steadily stronger in your cheeks. What the hell.
âHotch,â Morgan states, softer this time, âThe last thing Y/L/N remembers clearly is Prentissâ funeral.â
You look up with a weak approximation of a smile, and watch Hotchâs face shift as he comprehends what Morgan said.
âThat was years ago,â he says slowly, face hardening into a look youâve seen too many times when he tries to separate himself from the information heâs received.
Looking down at you, you canât tell what heâs thinking, so you divert your eyes to his hand in yours. Once he notices this, he gently lets go and you know itâs silly, but you almost reach out for it again. Who knows the next time Hotch will want to hold your hand?
âSo you donâtâŠâ he doesnât finish his question, which leaves you even more confused. Donât whatâŠ?
âUmm. If itâs happened in the last four-ish years, then umm⊠Then I probably donât remember it,â you say quietly, apologetically. âSir,â you add on quickly, not wanting to forgo formalities even if your memory isnât what itâs supposed to be.
However, instead of nodding, like you thought he would, Aaron Hotchner looks sad which confuses you even more.
âAaron,â Rossi begins slowly, âthe doctor said that talking about whatâs happened since then may help Y/Nâs memory come back.â Hotch looks up, almost relieved. âSo why donât you tell her something thatâs happened since Prentissâ funeral.â
And with that, Hotch takes a breath before reaching across your body to your other hand and holding it up. Not quite sure whatâs happening, you allow him to hold your left hand up in your line of vision and thatâs when you notice a fucking wedding ring. On your hand. Which Hotch is holding.
âIâm married?â you screech, looking at the team, who are now all trying not to laugh for some reason. âWho am I married to? Holy shit, what?â you continue looking around. Morgan and Prentiss look like theyâll break into outright laughter any minute. Whatâs going on?
Looking helplessly to Hotch, who is suspiciously quiet, you donât have to repeat your question before he is carefully letting go of your left hand to hold his own up next to it and since when did Hotch wear a wedding band? Until you notice the striking similarities between the ring on your hand, and the one on your boss. What the actual fuck.
âWeâre married?â you say, whipping your head to the sideâouchâto stare at Hotch, who is looking a little more amused than worried. âWhat? When? I justâŠâ you canât even finish your train of thought because your head is spinning so fast.
âIs it really that much of a surprise, Princess?â Derek chimes in. âI mean, you guys have been in love with each other forever,â and with that, he and Prentiss dissolve into a fit of laughter, which they try to smother, but youâre too busy taking in this very new and very interesting life development.
At some point in the last couple years, you married Hotch. Which means he knows you like him. And he likes you. You dated Hotch and now youâre fucking married. And you canât remember any of it.
ââŠI donât remember itâŠâ you say sadly, softly and the laughter ceases.
Running a hand through his hair, Hotch takes a step back and shrugs, a small, reassuring smile on his face.
âWeâll figure it out, Sweetheartââ your stomach erupts into butterflies, ââwe always do.â
With a sigh, you sink back into the pillows on your bed and stare at the ceiling, head throbbing worse than before thanks to all the new information.
âI justâŠâ you pause to think about your current dilemma. âI just donât know where to start with all thisâŠGetting my memory back,â you look to Hotch and then the team, unsure of what to do.
âWell, the doctor did say that photos and videos might help. Iâd be willing to recount every conversation weâve had since Emilyâs funeral, if you want, including the ones that you werenât a part of, but were about you or a case,â Reid offers with a grin, and your heart melts.
Slowly shaking your head, you answer, âThanks but maybe later, Spence. Iâm still stuck on the whole Iâm-married-to-my-boss thing right now.â
âTrust me Princess,â Derek laughs âIâm pretty sure all of us could tell you about how everything went down like a damn movie.â
âYeahâŠâ JJ continues with a fond shake of her head, âYou guys werenât very subtle about it.â
Sneaking a look out of the corner of your eye, you catch Hotch blushing and staring down at his shoes before he also sneaks a look at you, meeting your eyes.
âSee?â Derekâs voice breaks your gaze. âThis is exactly what I was talking about. You guys werenât subtle and still arenât,â rolling his eyes, he laughs a little and you canât help but smile.
âAt least theyâre married this time around,â Rossi supplies. âNo more âsecretâ glances and yearning,â he says with such contempt you canât help but laugh as HotchâAaron? â lets out a small chuckle of his own.
âNow I just need to remember how we got here,â you say, feeling a little more at ease. Slowly, you reach for Hotchâs left hand, studying the ring the matches your own. âRemember us,â you continue, just to him, and the smile that overtakes his face is the best thing youâve seen since waking up.
âYou werenât wrong, Morgan,â comes Emilyâs voice from the end of your bed. âThis is just like a movie. Ugh. But donât worry, Y/N, weâll help you sort this out.â
âAnd I know just the woman for the job,â Morgan adds with a mischievous smirk which immediately makes you wonder about whatever it is he has planned.
âNow as much as Iâd love to watch the two lovebirds gaze into each otherâs eyes, I actually have plans,â Rossi states, looking down at his watch. âSo, Iâll be back tomorrow. Have a good night, Y/N,â he says before waving to the rest of the team and leaving.
The rest of the team makes their own excuses to leave, and you canât help but feel like Morgan and Prentiss have concocted some sort of scheme to âhelpâ you get your memories back.
Running a hand over your face, you sigh. What now? The sound of someone clearing their throat makes you look up and realize that Hotch hadnât left with the others, but was instead standing near the foot of your bed, looking somewhat anxious.
âI ummm⊠I was planning on spending the night here to make sure you were okay, but ummâŠâ he trails off, unsure.
âBut since I have no memory of us being together you think itâs weirdâŠ?â you ask gently.
âYeah,â he answers in a sigh. âI donât want to make you uncomfortable by being here, especially because I know how frustrating and confusing this must be for youâŠâ
âHotch,â you start, but he canât hide his wince when you call him that. âAaron,â you try again. âYes, this is incredibly confusing and frustrating because Emily should be dead and I didnât think you had feelings for me at all,â you pause and see him smile, just a bit, âBut Iâd really like it if you stayed here. With me. Becauseââ you take a deep breath. ââBecause you make me feel safe, Aaron, and I need that right now,â you say gently, not quite sure where the confidence came from, but Aaronâs eyes soften and his smile grows bigger as his shoulders drop in relief. Worth it.
âThen Iâll stay,â he says, and you canât help the heat that once again rises in your cheeks as he continues to look at you.
You guys are married, dammit. Pull it together.
Averting your gaze, you turn your attention to getting more comfortable in your bed and decide to fuss with the placement of your pillows because damn was your back starting to hurt, but Aaron beats you to it. Within ten seconds of arranging the pillows behind you, he has them perfect.
âHowâŠ?â you start to question, but he just raises his eyebrows. âRight. Married,â you say with a shake of your head.
Aaron finally sits in the chair next to your bed and reaches, almost absentmindedly, for your hand before catching himself and stilling. You can see the fight in his mindâhe wants to comfort you and himself, but with your memory, he doesnât quite know where your boundaries are. Taking pity on him, you grab his hand yourself, weaving your fingers together so he knows it was on purpose. Okay so you really just wanted to hold his hand again, but youâre married! Youâre allowed. He takes a deep breath and leans back in the chair, turning his head to really look at you.
âHowâs your head?â he asks, brow furrowed in what youâve come to understand is genuine concern.
You pause and consider for a moment.
âNot terrible, but not great,â you say slowly. âItâs like thereâs a fog in my mind that I canât see through. I know Iâm missing stuff, but I just donât know what.â
Aaron gently squeezes your hand, but doesnât speak yet.
âI want to know what brought Emily back, how we happened, what it was that gave me this fucking injury, I justâŠâ with an exasperated huff, you collect yourself. âI just want to know.â
âWell, Emily should be the one to tell you her part of the story, and as for us,â he gives you a smile âitâs a longer answer, at least for me, so that will have to waitâSorry, Sweetheart,â he says when you pout. âHowever, I can tell you about what landed you in the hospital. How does that sound?â
âItâs a start,â you tease, and yes Aaron smiles wider and rolls his eyes.
âWe were chasing an unsub, and Garcia had tracked him to a warehouse not too far from Quantico. We went there andââ his voice wavers. You squeeze his hand. ââand the unsub had set explosives around the perimeter of the building. I guess you got too close to him when trying to talk him down and he triggered the whole set.â Aaron sighs, and his eyes are glazed over like heâs reliving thisâwhich he probably isâand thereâs nothing you can really do besides let him take his time.
âYou werenât right by any of them, but you were thrown back and had hit the ground before I could even yell at you to stopânot that you would have listened,â he says pointedly with a watery laugh. âYou just laid there, Morgan and I carried you over to the medics as soon as the dust settled and they took you away as we cleared the rest of the scene.â
âAnd the unsub?â
âHe didnât survive the explosion. As soon as we figured that out, we left it to the local PD and crime scene techs.â He looks at you softly. âWe came straight here after that.â
âHow long was I out before today,â you ask lightly, curiously.
âThree days. Dave had to convince me to go home and shower on the second day.â He looks down before sneaking a sideways glance at you.
âWell Iâm glad he did,â you tease, scrunching your nose.
âAnd Iâm glad youâre awake, Sweetheart,â he replies, squeezing your hand.
You laugh and look away before mumbling, âI donât think Iâll ever get used to that.â
âGet used to what?â he waits a second. âSweetheart?â Motherfucker. He knows what heâs doing.
âThat! I woke up convinced you didnât have feelings for me at all,â you say with a glare, âand now I know weâre married and you keep being so nice and understanding and calling me Sweetheart and I just donât know how to deal with all of this!â you finish in a huff.
âI just feel bad that I canât remember this, usâ you add, gesturing between the two of you. âIâm trying and thereâs justââ you make a frustrated noise and flop back to stare at the ceiling. âAnd my head still kind of hurts,â you add softly, almost pouting.
âOh, Sweetheart,â Aaron whispers. He clears his throat before continuing. âYouâll get your memories back,â he leans forward to stroke some hair off your forehead. âAnd until then, you know the team and I will do what we can to catch you up and help you remember.â
You push your head further into his hand with a sigh. He runs his hand through your hair a few times before pulling back and you almost whine. You yawn instead. Settling down, you tug the blanket up higher across your chest and turn to face Aaron as he also gets comfortable. He turns on the small television in your room and at some point, you fall asleep holding his hand.
---
You wake to the sound of the door opening, followed by the unmistakable click-clack of heels worn by none other than Penelope Garcia. Â
âRise and shine! Time to regain your memory, lovely Y/N,â she sings, coming to a stop by the side of your bed as you roll over with a yawn.
âPenââ you groan. âLet me sleep. Please.â
âOh no, my little profiler. Do you have your memory back?â You shake your head. âThen we need to work on that! And donât you dare tell me no; my wonderful Derek Morgan and I were up all night making this for you,â
You raise your eyebrows.
âSadly, not like that. But, we compiled a presentation-slash-video montage for you about what youâve missed!â
That catches your attention.
âWha--? How? Penelope where did the footage come from?â you ask, more awake now.
âWell, I may or may not have used security cam footage for a lot of it, but thatâs neither here nor there, so, without further ado, I present to you: your life for the past four-ish years!â and with that, she somehow connects her tablet to the TV and you see a picture of the whole team; Penelope then produces a remote from the depths of her purse and then proceeds to the next slide.
Which is a photo of you. And Aaron. Standing by the coffee machine in the office and smiling at each other, clearly unaware that the moment was being documented. The image is embellished with what must be close to fifty moving, sparkly hearts, obviously done by Garcia.
âFirst thingâs first,â she starts with a flourish. âYour husband!â and as if on cue, Aaron walks into the room, cup of coffee in hand. Much to your surprise, Aaron just rounds your bed to sit in the same chair you assume he fell asleep in, watching the screen.
âWhat is happening,â you say softly to yourself, looking from Aaron to Garcia and back.
âThe doctor said photos and videos might help restore your memory, so who better to put something together than Garcia?â Hotch answers dryly, a small smile flashing across his face. âThe rest of the team should be here shortly,â he says directly to Garcia.
âOh good. I always work better with an audience,â she replies as you continue to process just what the hell is happening since you woke up approximately five minutes ago.
Within a few minutes, your hospital room is overrun with the rest of the team. Sitting, standing, leaning wherever they can find the space to view Penelopeâs presentation with you in the middle of it all.
âDonât you people have jobs?â you grumble.
âCâmon, Princess. Who better to help you remember the last few years than us?â Derek says with a cheeky grin that makes you roll your eyes.
You turn your gaze to Aaron and find that heâs already looking at you in concern.
âIf you really donât want all of us here we can leave,â he says just loud enough for you to hear.
âI justâŠâ you take a moment to try and collect your thoughts. âI guess I just donât know how to feel about all of this, but youâre all here soâ â
âSo here we go!â Penelope cheerfully finishes your sentence before turning back to the screen. âAs I was saying before, part one of Operation Get Y/Nâs Memories Back is all aboutâdrumroll pleaseâour very own Unit Chief, a.k.a. Hotch, a.k.a. loving husband to our very own Agent Y/L/N.â
With a shake of your head, purposefully ignoring the way Derek and Emily are whooping and whistling, you settle in and gesture for Penelope to continue. God, letâs hope this works.
---
It doesnât work.
Fuck.
Three almost four hours later and nothing has changed for you. However, itâs a lovely opportunity for some team bonding and creating new memories, but youâre still disappointed. Itâs not for lack of trying, though. Penelope did a wonderful job of pulling together a presentation-slash-video montage of your life, complete with titles such as âYour lovely husband,â âThe Miraculous Life, Death, and Subsequent Resurrection of Emily Prentiss,â and even âBadass BAU Babies,â which was a collection of team photos and news clips of cases you guys had closed in the past few years.
The whole team had gotten a kick out of each section, especially the last one, as Penelope had spared no one in her quest to help your memory; ugly selfies sent in the BAU group chat, embarrassing footage of you tripping up (and down) the stairs to the bullpenâcourtesy of the security cameras, Reid doing physics magic and narrowly missing Rossiâs coffee cup, it was all there. But nothing worked, there was no magical ah ha moment where everything came rushing back. If anything, it really was like watching a movie; it didnât feel like you were the one is all of these clips and photos. Not even Reidâs commentary made you feel any closer than before to recovering your memories.
It wasnât all bad, though. Penelope had a veritable stockpile of photos of you and Aaron, ranging from the office, to cases, to the occasional night out with the team. Your engagement announcement, wedding photos, freakinâ everything on the two of you and yet, nothing seemed to make a difference to your brain.
The photo on the screen was one of you and Aaron on a case. You were tucked under his arm, snowflakes visible in your hair and his as you look up and laugh at something he said while he just smiles gently down at you. Penelope had put hearts over both your eyes.
âActual heart eyes! I had to! You guys are so cute!â she basically squealed when the photo came up.
âWhat did I tell you,â Rossi said teasingly, âYearning.â
Prentiss and Morgan hadnât stopped laughing for this entire segment, with JJ and Reid occasionally joining in if there was something exceptionally ridiculous Penelope had included, like fucking heart eyes.
A hand covering your own makes you realize you had spaced out, and you look down to see that itâs Aaronâs hand, wedding band catching the light.
âAnything, Sweetheart?â he asks in a low voice, carefully watching your face.
You shake your head. âItâs like itâs someone elseâs life, but I know itâs mine; youâve told me itâs mine, thereâs photographic evidence that itâs mine!â you say in a huff. âIt just doesnât feel like itâs mine,â you whisper, voice breaking at the end. Tears gather in your eyes and you bite your lip to stop it from shaking as you desperately try and control your overwhelming emotions. You can hear the team in the background, strategizing new ways to help you, but Aaronâs face hovers in front of your own, drawing your attention.
âItâs okay,â he says lightly, stroking your cheek with his thumb.
âNo, itâs not,â you insist as a few tears make their way down your face. âItâs not, Aaron. What if this is it? What if I just donât get my memories back?â
Letting out a long sigh, Aaron raises your hand to his lips and kisses your palm before folding your hand into his.
âYou will. I know you will,â he says with such conviction you might just believe him if it werenât for the way he rapidly blinks to keep his own tears at bay.
âYeah, Princess.â Morgan chimes in from somewhere across the room. âWeâll figure this out, you know we will.â
And with that, you see something click into place in Aaronâs eyes and suddenly, heâs looking at you in such a way that your heart picks upâthanks, heart monitor.
âAaronâŠ?â you ask cautiously.
âPrincess,â he says it so simply, like itâs the most obvious thing in the world. You only have time to raise an eyebrow at him beforeâ
Oh.
Kissing Aaron Hotchner is something you could definitely get used to. His hand comes up to cradle your face as he gently moves his lips against yours. You sigh and can feel his smile against your mouth before heâs tugging your face closer, tilting your head just so andâ
There.
Itâs like opening a window to let in a breeze. Soft and sure, filling the space in a way thatâs all-encompassing without being suffocating.
Like snowflakes falling and settling on his black jacket, like Aaron down on one knee sliding your engagement ring on your finger while you smile so much it feels like your face will break. Itâs leaving cups of coffee on his desk during late nights in the office. Itâs playing soccer with Jack as Aaron smiles and cheers both of you on. Itâs being in bed late at night, falling asleep in the comfort provided by the man you love. Your wedding vows, promising to love him forever.
And you know.
With a gasp, you pull Aaron closer, kiss him deeper, harder, moving your lips more frantically against his. I remember I remember I remember and you think he gets it because he pulls back and looks at you with so much hope it almost breaks your heart.
âWhen I said Iâd love you forever, Aaron Hotchner, I meant it.â
And his face breaks into the biggest smile youâve ever seen as he laughs in disbelief before capturing your lips with his again, returning the urgency you had kissed him with just moments ago.
Someone clears their throat and you pull apart, smiles obvious on both your faces as you turn to the team who are looking somewhat confused.
âWould you mind enlightening us as to why you two are suddenly acting like teenagers?â Rossi asks, eyebrows raised.
âWell,â Aaron starts, grinning in your direction, âIt would seem thatâ â
âNuh uh. No way,â Derek interrupts him. âAre you seriously about to say that you kissed her and she magically remembered?â
You canât help but laugh at his disbelief because what the hell and nod, unable to speak through the giddiness overtaking your body. You remember.
âOhmygod! You guys!!â Penelope squeals before launching herself into your arms for a hug which she promptly pulls Aaron into as well; he doesnât protest.
âWhat made you do that, Hotch?â Reid asks curiously once Penelope has let you and Aaron go. âDid you know it would work?â
âPrincess,â Aaron says with a nod towards Morgan. âIn Jackâs storybooks, a kiss always wakes the Princess so she and her prince can live happily ever after.â
Okay thatâs adorable and you canât help but aww with the rest of the team at Aaronâs confession.
âHappily ever after, huh?â you say, tugging on his hand. âWho knew you were such a sap, Hotchner?â
Rolling his eyes, Aaron just smiles. âWasnât it obvious from Garciaâs presentation? Iâve been in love with you forever, Sweetheart. And besides, it worked, didnât it?â he says with a smug smile.Â
You pull him down for a short kiss before moving back just enough to murmur âMy Prince Charming.â
âI canât believe you guys,â you turn to see Morgan shaking his head. âA literal fuckinâ fairytale,â and then heâs laughing and the whole team, you and Aaron included, are laughing with him because yeah this is pretty surreal.
âI canât believe you thought I was a ghost!â Emily says once the laughter has died down, her arms crossed in mock-anger.
âCan you blame me?â you retort. âThe last thing I remember was burying you and suddenly youâre here? Nope. No way. Ghost. Only explanation.â
âI have to say, Y/L/N, Iâm glad youâre back, if only to stop Aaronâs sad puppy-dog eyes every time you called him âHotch,ââ Rossi shakes his head. âI donât know how much more yearning I could take.â
âHey! Be nice,â JJ admonishes, swatting Rossiâs shoulder. âI think itâs sweet.â
âYeah guys,â you echo. âBe nice! Donât think I forgot you two,â you say, leveling Morgan and Prentiss with glares, âand all your laughter when I couldnât remember that my husband and I were married!â
âOh câmon, Princess,â Morgan groans. âIt was pretty funny. You were trying so hard not to look completely in love with your husband.â
âIn my defense,â you start, âI didnât know that you guys already knew how much I love Aaron, so excuse me for trying to hide my love,â you say with a sniff.
âWell, it was pretty obvious. Whenever you looked at him or he grabbed your hand, the heart monitor would register an increase in your heart rate byââ Reid starts to ramble but your laughter cuts him off.
âI get it, I get it,â you continue through your laughter. âIâm very in love with Aaron, even when I think itâs a secret, but as Penelopeâs presentation so eloquently demonstrated, Iâm not subtle and neither is he.â
Aaron leans over to kiss your cheek as the rest of the team continues into a conversation about Penelopeâs presentation and how the hell she collected all those photos and videos in one day.
With the attention no longer on youâfor nowâyou smile at Aaron, who smiles right back. He slumps back in his chair with a sigh, and you canât help but pull him back closer to you.
âI love you,â you say kissing the back of his hand.
âI love you more, Sweetheart,â he replies softly.
Yeah, this is happily ever after.
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Running In Circles - Chapter 1
Word Count: 3,196
Characters: Female Reader Rossi Character, Aaron Hotchner, David Rossi, Derek Morgan, Spencer Reid, Jennifer âJJâJareau, Emily Prentiss, Penelope Garcia, George Foyet, Multiple Unsubs and Victims
Story Description: (Y/N) Rossi is following in her fatherâs footsteps by joining the BAU team as a profiler. The girl genius knew almost everything but she could have never predicted falling for Aaron Hotchner, her boss and her fatherâs friend. in their world mutual feelings are not enough to push them together. Will all the adversities and obstacles they face pull them together or push them apart forever?
*DISCLAIMER*
I do not own in any way Criminal Minds, all credits of the pre-established characters, script, and storyline belong to Jeff Davis and CBS Network.
The only thing I own is Arden Rossi, any upcoming characters, and her storyline, as well as her effects in the others' story line.
Chapter: 1/?
Chapter Description: (Y/N) remebers her first day in the job and recounts all the cases and events that led to the downfall of George Foyet.Â
A/N: I decided to say fuck the anxiety of posting and put up my Aaron fanfiction. Itâs been gathering dust in my documents folder and I love writing too much to keep it to myself. Iâm not sure how many chapters this will have but thereâs already 8 chapters all finished up. Soon Iâll be posting ff of all the fanfictions I enjoy also! If you enjoy my writing Iâll also be posting them in AO3 and Wattpad along with other stories (I also hope to start taking requests if yaâll want) Hope you enjoy and all constructive criticism is encouraged.
Next->
Chapter 1
âGood morning, BAU!â I said as I walked through the doors of the elevator and entered the bullpen. I could still remember how it felt the first time I got here.
I walked out of the elevator and made my way to the first office on the left. I was to meet
SSA Aaron Hotchner for an interview to join the BAU. My hands were shaking, and my body was getting warmer by the second. But I remembered my fatherâs encouraging words. âYouâre gonna do great, mia bella.â
Not only was I extremely young, but I also had a lot to live up to. Being the daughter of SSA David Stephen Rossi was no easy task. He was an amazing agent, mentor, and father. He always pushed me to be the best at everything I did. When I started high school, I decided to get a head start on my college studies and applied to dual enrollment. When I graduated I did so with a Bachelorâs in Computer Science. Then, I worked my way to a Masterâs in Psychology and Social Work, and a Doctorate in Criminal Justice. At the same time, my father trained me as a profiler. All my life I knew I wanted to be in the FBI, just like him. I was always impressed at all he did and wanted to be just like my hero. The day I told him I had been recruited by the FBI and was set to work in the BAU he said it had been the greatest day of his life.
Now my shaking hand raised to softly knock on the door before me.
âCome in,â someone said from inside. The door softly creaked as I opened and was met by a tall man with dark hair and a shorter blonde woman. âAgent Rossi, welcome.â
âThank you, itâs an honor to be here.â I smiled and shook Aaron Hotchnerâs and Erin Straussâ hands.
âItâs an honor to meet you, Agent Rossi,â Erin smiled. âHave to say, you have a very impressive curriculum and your disinvolvement in our past interviews and tests have been outstanding.â
I smiled and turned the bracelet on my wrist for comfort.
âI must concur with Chief Strauss,â said Hotch. âI believe you will be a great addition to the BAU team.â
After sharing a few pleasantries and being handed my badge and gun, I was following Hotch to the briefing room to meet the rest of the team. Formally, at least. I had heard everything about them when I spoke with my father. He left no detail out.
âMorning, everyone,â Hotchner started. âI called you all in early today so you could meet the newest addition to the team. This is Agent (y/n) Rossi.â
To the sound of my name most of the mouths in the room dropped.
âRossi, as in David Rossi?â The slender, messy haired agent said. I could only assume that was Spencer Reid. As my father had described him, a curly mess dressed in vests.
I nodded.
âRossi, you didnât tell us you had such a beautiful daughter.â That would be Derek Morgan. The hottie Casanova with a silver tongue.
âI hadnât?â My father questioned and smirked, knowing full well the answer.
âWell, heâs talked a lot about all of you,â I smiled.
âAll good things I hope,â Emily smiled.
âGreat things,â I returned the smile. âI could probably make out who is who by the things heâs told me.â
âGo ahead,â Aaron challenged.
âAlright,â I cleared my throat and started going around the table. âCurly hair, vests, analyzing everything Iâve done and said since I walked in⊠youâre Spencer Reid.â
He smiled brightly.
âTall, dark, handsome, and a silver tongue. Plus, you checked me out as soon as the doors of the elevator opened⊠Derek Morgan.â
He smirked.
âCalm, cool, and collected. Quiet but present, inspecting my presence here⊠youâre Emily Prentiss.â
âSheâs good,â Emily muttered to Morgan beside her. I continued.
âAnd last but not least, bright colors, fun accessories,â I said looking at Garcia. âEven though youâre smiling, youâre not sure about me yet because you donât like change and are probably going to dig up everything you can on me as soon as you can⊠Penelope Garcia.â
She stiffened and Derek chuckled.
âDonât worry, I get it. I do not like change that much either. And here,â I reached my hand into my bag to pull out a rather thick folder. âIâll save you the work. Background check, complete internet history, social medias, and all the whatnots you would need to build a very extensive profile.â
âOh, thank you,â she reached out her hand and grabbed the folder, smiling at the floor.
âAnd well, I already know Agent Hotchner and my father, so they donât need much of an introduction.â
âNo, but you do,â my father said joining my side. âTell them a bit about yourself.â
âWell, I have a bachelor, two masters, and a doctorate degree: Iâm 23, Iâm Rossiâs daughterâŠâ In the middle of my thought process dad cut in.
âSheâs beautiful, sheâs intelligent, and sheâs the one I call when Iâm stuck on a case.â I smiled.
âShe also passed every test with flying colors,â Aaron added. âAnd her profiling skills are exceptional.â
âThank you,â I blushed. âI think it runs in my blood.â
âWell, welcome to the team,â Aaron continued. âLetâs get to work.â
That was almost three years ago. A couple of days after, I met JJ who had visited with her newborn son Henry.
In very little time I had grown attached to this family. I was most of the time partnered with Spence and we developed an amazing bond. It did help that I loved playing chess and we could have highly erudite talks. Also, I very much enjoyed his over sharing of facts. But really, I was close to them all. On my spare time I was found watching movies with Derek and Penny, perusing book shops with Reid, having girl nights with JJ, Penny, and Emily, or sipping on top grade scotch while finishing paperwork with Hotch.
Spending time with Hotch was my favorite pastime of all.
I realized I had developed feelings for him the day he was captured by Foyet and left at the hospital. Receiving the call from Emily that she had found blood at his apartment literally knocked the air out of my lungs. Reid could tell that my reaction would not have been the same where it had been any of the other members. For some time, he had deduced my attraction to our unit chief. Once we had captured Patrick Meyers and Reid had been sent off to a hospital, we sped off to St. Sebastian Hospital. I could feel my heartbeat going faster and faster as I felt time slipping by. More than once I had asked Morgan to go faster and with sorry eyes, he told me he was going as fast as he could.
Seeing Hotch on a hospital bed, greatly hurt, broke me. I knew everyone on the team, just like Reid, had figured it out. I was the first one in when the doctor announced he was waking up. His eyes fluttered open as JJ, the last one to enter, made it in.
âWhere am I?â He groggily asked.
âIn the hospital,â dad answered.
My eyes could not leave his face, even as all I wanted was to imagine him in a different state. Derek told him how he made it to the hospital and Emily asked Hotch what had happened. Closing his eyes, Hotch explained step by step how everything had gone down. Upon more investigation, we quickly figured what Foyet had taken and, a page from his planner that held his ex-wifeâs and sonâs current address and a picture of them, respectively.
Once we had that information, the team knew exactly what to do. Emily and I volunteered to stay behind and update the team if anything changed. As soon as he went to sleep, we let out a locked breath. But the relief was short lived as his pulse started to get exceedingly fast.
âWhat happened?â The doctor asked.
âI donât know,â I croakily muttered out. Emily put a hand on my back as I softly touched his arm.
âAgent Hotchner. Can you hear me?â The doctor called out. âAgent Hotchner?â
He finally opened his eyes and responded. âIâm okay.â Â
The doctor asked us out of the room as she checked on him and Emily helped stabilize my walk as we made it out. I saw the doctor and a nurse check him as I picked the skin of the thumb of my right hand. Emily noticed and grabbed it, knowing well of my nervous ticks. The other being closing my fist hard enough to dig my nails in it.
âHeâll be okay,â she smiled. âYou know heâs a fighter.â
I softly smiled at her, not knowing if she said it for me or for her to believe it too.
Once we knew Haley and Jack were safe the three of us let out a relieved sigh. Hotch squeezed the hand I had been holding as he slept, needing the reassurance of a trusted presence next to him. He asked Emily about the scene at his apartment, but she could not give him definite answers. In a moment of silence, she excused herself to go buy coffee and I took this chance to ask him what had been going through my head.
âDo you wanna talk about what happened?â I asked worry evident in my eyes.
Sighing, he responded. âI donât know. After he stabbed me the first time, it all goes blank.â
He looked straight into my eyes and I could tell he knew more than he let on, but now was not the time to push him. He had been drained: physically, emotionally, and mentally. In that moment, Haley walked in and I let go of his hand to leave them to talk. From outside of the room, I could hear the heartbreaking moment and knowing he was in pain shattered my heart. That day had absolutely devastated us as a team, but it only made us more determined to find Foyet and end him.
But life and work went on. The whole month he was off, I spent most of my free time helping in his recovery and his healing, using the little training I had in wound treatment. The other part of my time I spent with Reid, who was also in recovery. A far less pressing injury, but an injury, nonetheless. And he was my best friend, so I could not completely abandon him. Â
We were all worried about him coming back to the team with Foyet still out there, but dad reassured us he would only be more motivated. Yet the first case back, he was different. He was usually professional and understanding, now it seemed that no matter how well we worked, we would make a mistake. And when we finally tracked down the unsub and he made his way inside the house, no vest, and no gun, I knew there was something different in him. I tried to follow him inside, but dad stopped me.
âWe have to trust him,â he told me. Even with those words we were all unsure of the outcome. My head was working 1,000 miles a minute coming up with different ways this could all end up in, and when I heard the gunshots, my mind only went to the darkest end. Quickly we stormed in the house and saw Hotch putting handcuffs on Darrin, and a very dead Jarvis on a recliner. Â
My father spent most of his time with me reassuring me that Hotch was still the same man he had been a month before. And I spent most of my time with Hotch reassuring him that he was not alone.
At the end of most cases Emily, dad, and I sat with Hotch in his office to drink a cup of scotch and unwind after a stressful day. I stayed nights overtime often and was there on the night that Strauss had landed a surprise visit to his office. The next day he became hyper focused on Derekâs work, which later he revealed to me the reason why. The bureau was questioning his leadership and he meant to step down as unit chief at the end of that week. This ended with Derek becoming active unit chief whilst Hotch was being investigated.
The days that followed were quite strange. We were used to taking orders from Hotch and now taking orders from Morgan was completely different. But business went on as usual. We worked on cases just as hard and solved them just as efficiently. With one case always hanging on us like a dark cloud. George Foyet. With every case we finished we knew he was still out there, which meant that Hotch was still hurting and hunting. Â
But the dreaded day had caught up to us. With the last case we had been on in Hampton we knew Foyet had found Hotch. He was taunting Hotch, dangling his life in front of him. Once he had sent us that calling card, we pressed harder on our investigation, pulling at whatever string we could find.
Thankfully, JJ pulled our medication string harder when she found out about the ability to substitute prescriptions with over-the-counter meds. We worked tirelessly and strongly to shorten the investigation part of this case. We needed to catch him, fast.
âWait a minute, guys. Foyet likes things that have meaning to him,â I said looking at the map presented in front of us. I could see that Reid knew where I was going.
âThe eye of providence, the addresses in blood he wrote on the bus that led back to him,â Spence added, and I nodded.
âMaybe heâs doing the same with his name,â I said as Reid wrote down George Foyet on the board.
âLike an anagram or something,â Emily chimed. Quickly, Reid got to work on the theory crossing out and circling letters. Adding âThe Reaperâ onto the board and utilizing it, once Hotch had pointed out Foyet gave himself that name. He kept up this process until the name Peter Rhea came to existence.
Garcia tracked down the name and quickly found an address in Arlington. We had found him, but it was just too easy.
We were waiting outside of the apartment building for too long, waiting for something, anything. Once Morgan had given his orders, the plan was set in motion. Still, something in the back of my mind kept telling me it was too easy. We stormed the empty apartment and searched for anything that would help us find his actual location. His computer was quickly deleting files, but Garcia was better. Haleyâs protection unit was in trouble.
As soon as it clicked, we were on our way to the stash house. Inside the house Marshal Sam Kassmeyer was hurt, losing blood quickly. With the little he was able to tell us we knew that Haley and Jack were in danger. Sam had not told Foyet anything, but George was smart, unfortunately. He had disguised himself as a Marshal and lied to Haley to get her where he needed her. Only him had communication with her. Everyone was on edge wanting nothing more than to find this man.
In the office we heard Hotchâs conversation with Foyet. He was working hard to buy some time for us to find him but knowing George he already had a plan set in motion. He had eyes on the pair, he was with them. I could only imagine what Hotch was going through.
âAlright, Foyet has to be in control,â Derek said, breaking me out of my thoughts. âHe had Haley come to him.â
âYeah, but where would he take her?â Spencer asked. We all started thinking and speculating. There was something in the call that told Hotch where to go. That was the key.
âReid, what did he say, exactly?â I emphasized on the last word.
âHaleyâs hair looks good dark. Sheâs lost some weight. It must be because of all the stress you caused her. Whereâs the little man? Oh, there he is now. Do you think he likes Captain America because of you? Thatâs your wife on the other line. Hold, please. Hi. Open the gate and Iâll drive in.â Spencer recited in a monotone voice.
âOpen the gate?â My father questioned.
âIt would be someplace with the biggest emotional impact for Hotch,â I said looking down to organize my thoughts.
âAnd Haley has access to the gate,â Derek added, and it clicked.
âTheir house,â I said. âWhere they lived together.â
âOf course,â Emily said. âFoyet planned this all the way to the end. Itâs everything to him.â
âHe wants to take over Hotchâs house, to be in control, to prove his dominance,â I finished. We knew where he was going, and I was sure Hotch knew too and was already on his way.
On the way, Hotch got a call from Foyetâs phone. It was Hayley. I heard the emotion grabbing him by the throat. We could hear the whole conversation and my heart broke when he asked Hayley the magic words.
âTell Jack that I need him working on the case,â Hotch breathed out. One drunken night he had told me about how he had found Jack inside a storage bench in his office after he had knocked on it. The smiling kid had told his father that he was working the case with Hotch. Hotch knew what was going to happen and so did I. This was the best chance Jack had at survival.
When Hotch told Jack to hug his mom and he said I love you, I let out a loud sob and Emily grabbed my hand tightly for support. But I was not the one that need the care. Hotch did. Haleyâs words would forever be engraved in my head, and in the heads of our friends.
Three gunshots rang through the line right before it cut. Then I could not hold back the tears. I knew. I just knew.
Hotch was the first one on the scene and all I thought of was that he did not have a vest or any backup, so god knows what could have happened. For the second time in a matter of months all I could ask for was that Morgan drove faster.
At the house, Morgan was the first one in and the scene that unfolded in front of us was heartbreaking. Hotch was hitting Foyet over and over, and Derek had to hold him back. He was dead. I surveyed the scene and instinctively went to Hotchâs office, Hotch following close behind. Jack had to be there. I let Hotch walk past me and watched as relief overtook him when he lifted the lid.
âI work the case, daddy,â Jack said. Unbeknownst to everything that had happened. âJust like you said.â
âYou did a great job buddy,â Hotch lifted his son out of the bench.
âWhat happened to you, daddy?â
âIâm okay. I want you to go outside with Ms. Jareau. Ok?â The child walked to JJ and she took him out in her arms.
And Hotch let go. He silently cried and I helped him make his way to where Haley laid. I stood by the door and turned away a police officer. Morgan stood up and squeezed my shoulder as he left the room behind the officer. I stayed outside of the doorframe, listening to the sobs of a strong man.
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DIWK - Chapter ten: "Set me free my honey bee"
Word count: 11,6K
Summary: Let's jump 19 months in time and see how painful it has turned for reader and Spencer to hide their feelings for each other. JJ leaves the team, and a new member joins the BAU.
Warnings: Angst and hurt. Fools being assholes. Cursing, of course. Mention of CM cases and spoilers on S06E11.
A/N: Please don't hate me. Just remember things usually look like the shit before they get worst, and then everything is better. I hope.
Masterlist
Chapter one | Chapter two | Chapter three | Chapter four | Chapter five | Chapter six | Chapter seven | Chapter eight | Chapter nine | Chapter ten | Chapter eleven | Chapter twelve | Chapter thirteen | Chapter fourteen | Chapter fifteen |
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(Y/N)'s point of view
Time is a weird thing. I remember when I was in school and time didn't pass fast enough. Semesters were eternal. It felt it had been years by the time summer vacation arrived. The complete opposite happened to me at the BAU. Suddenly, time passed too quickly. A whole year and a half went by in the blink of an eye.
I told Spencer about it, and he sent me a paper published by Professor Adrian Bejan that presented an argument based on the physics of neural signal processing. He hypothesizes that, over time, the rate at which we process visual information slows down, and this is what makes time 'speed up' as we grow older.
My answer was that I thought it happened 'cos as we grew older, we did things that actually gave us joy, which made us feel the time was passing faster than before. So we argued a whole Saturday afternoon about it and created our own theories for that event.
My theory was my personal favorite, 'cos it was the only one that could easily explain why so much time had passed in the BAU, and it felt like it had been just a few weeks.
It hadn't been easy, though. Those nineteen months had been filled with some of the worst situations we had been through as a team.
After I got shot, JJ finally admitted her relationship with Will and got pregnant. That was shocking, the first BAU baby: Henry.
Sadly, Henry was the only little good thing that happened that year. Because to sum it up, a bunch of awful shit happened to all of us: Hotch was in a car explosion that almost killed him. Spencer and Prentiss got trapped in an undercover mission into an underground cult to investigate child abuse, and Emily was beaten up pretty badly. Also, Spencer got infected with anthrax and nearly died. That was probably the most agonizing moment I had lived since the whole Tobias Hankel situation two years earlier.
Also, that year Prentiss had to investigate the case of the death of one of her best friends, and I was in a pretty nasty fight with an unsub that got me out of the field for three weeks. Not to mention, Spencer was shot in the leg.
Hotch was stabbed by the only unsub that has actually won against the BAU: Foyet. He attacked Aaron and got on the lose for months, but we all knew his next move as torture Hotch's family. That's why his ex-wife Haley and his little son Jack had to go into protective custody, and he couldn't see them for months while we tried to catch Foyet.
Things didn't go as planned. And without a doubt, the worst moment that year was the day Haley died. Foyet killed her, and Aaron lost it. He literally killed him with his bare hands the moment he got him. For a solid week, I was sure Aaron Hotchner wouldn't be the unit chief anymore. Strauss actually opened an investigation related to everything that happened that day. But in the end, somehow, she understood the "bloodbath" that had happened in that house was all in Foyet's hands.
However, there's no way to deny that the whole team had changed in many ways after that year. The concept of being a family was now more present than ever. After chasing Foyet for months, we were all onto him as if he was chasing our own family, because he was.
You don't work this kind of job with a team like mine and don't get attached to them. And this goes beyond how in love I was with Spencer. The (Y/N) who first stepped into the BAU, scared to show her true self, was long gone. And despite my deepest fears, letting them in and showing them who I really was had been one of the smartest decisions I have ever made.
Do you want to know which was my stupidest decision? Falling in love with Spencer Reid. It hadn't actually been my choice. I just didn't fight the feeling either. I don't think I could have even if I tried, though. Those nineteen months brought us so close, my mom thought we were living together, and the teasing from our friends was so common we weren't even affected by it.
For Christ Sakes, even Strauss thought we were dating! She forced us to attend a seminar on fraternization, concerned after she realized we always took our vacation together. We had a lot of fun trips, though. First, we visited his mom and had an amazing weekend in Las Vegas. Then we took a few days off after the anthrax incident and went to Hawaii. Picture Spencer Reid in an "all-inclusive," drinking all the coffee and eating all the pastries possible while reading a million books underneath an extra-large umbrella. We had fun that week, did some local touring, but most of all, sleeping in and relaxing. Spencer hates the beach but got those tickets anyway.
Did everybody think we were a couple? Yes
Did it help that we shared rooms, 'cos we were already used to it? No
Did it feel like a honeymoon without sex? Yes
Could I stop thinking about sex with Spencer? No.
And all that led us to the nightmare our relationship was going to become.
Penelope Garcia was drunk. She kept pouring shots and pushing them to us. Emily was wasted as well. But she kept acting like the classy lady she is. Not like JJ. My poor baby had mascara smeared under her eyes after crying for like an hour.
We found out she was leaving the team, and it was a hard blow on us. And by hard, I mean the worst thing that had ever happened to us. We had suffered without JJ when she was on maternity leave. And we struggled without her. Now knowing the Pentagon had taken her away from the BAU was torture.
We had a goodbye party for her at Rossi's, but this was our goodbye girl's night, and neither of us was holding anything back.
We had cried, we had sung sad songs. We drank all the champagne, wine, and vodka we could find. And now, holding our tequila shots, we knew it was time to call it a night.
- "I just love you girls so much,"- JJ whispered, crying- I don't wanna work without you.
- "Boo, come here!!"- I opened my arms and wrapped them around my friend, kissing the top of her hair a few times- "I love you too, and you are going to come back so soon you won't have time to miss us. You'll see. Papa Rossi and Dada Hotch are gonna fix everything."
I was drunk. Seriously drunk. But that wasn't the reason why I was so sweet with JJ. The truth is, I was broken-hearted. Like Penelope and Reid, I didn't manage change very well, and the fact that JJ was forced to leave made me feel frustrated and mad. But most of all, it made me think of every time I had been a little bitch with her during the years. And I regretted each one of them.
- "And we won't be far!"- Emily added and caressed JJ's arm, smiling kindly- "You will still be in town, and we will not leave you alone"- JJ chuckled and nodded.
- "I know, girls. Shit, I love you all so much!"
- "We love you too!"- Penelope sobbed and moved closer, wrapping the three of us in her arms.
- "Please, take care!"- JJ wiped off the tears from her eyes and looked at us- "Emily, don't do anything stupid! Don't rush in the field, and please don't take your fucking vest off!!"
- "I won't! I promise!"
- "You have to live to be Unit chief one day!"- JJ added, and Prentiss widened her eyes, shocked.
- "That's not really my gold."
- "But you'd be queen, baby!!"- Jareau added and turned to Penelope- "And you, please make sure Hotch eats. I kept a stack of granola bars on my desk to keep him fueled during the day. He usually forgets lunchtime and skips dinner, so..."
- "Don't worry, JJ,"- Penelope nodded, and we all felt our heartbreak a little thinking about all the things JJ did in her daily basics to take care of the team, and we didn't even know.
- "How are we going to survive without you?"- I mumbled, pouting. JJ chuckled and held my hand.
- "You are a rock, and you will do a fantastic job keeping this team together. Just, please, can you and Spencer start dating now?"
I wide opened my eyes and stared at JJ. The comment surprised me. I shouldn't, 'cos the whole "you and Spencer should start dating" joke was getting old. Only this time, JJ wasn't joking. She held both my hands and looked right into my eyes.
- "(Y/N), he loves you"- I was about to argue with her, but she covered my mouth with her Cheetos smelling hand.
- "Don't say a word! Spencer loves you so much you really must be blind not to see it. And I know you love him too. It's implied in all the little things you do for him every day. So don't take it for granted. Don't think this will last forever 'cos look at me! A week ago, I was happily working at the BAU, and now I'm drinking at my goodbye party! So don't waste any more time! You are in love with Spencer, and he loves you! It doesn't take a profiler to see it. So please! Act on it!"
There was a dramatic silence after. I didn't know how to break it. I could just joke around, but somehow, it didn't feel right. It had been too quiet for too long, and that made everything harder to deny. Finally, Emily put her hand on mine, just like JJ was still doing, and smiled at me.
- "There's nothing to be ashamed of, (Y/N). You are not the first person to fall for her best friend."
- "And the Junior G Man loves you so much,"- Penelope added, landing her hand on our hands too.
- "As his friend"- I corrected and sighed. I guess that was it. After three years, I could probably start facing my feelings in front of my friends.
- "No, (Y/N)"- Garcia tried to argue, but I shook my head and stood up, 'cos all that sudden attention and affection was bothering me.
- "PG, I was in Hawaii with the man, sharing a room, walking around in a bikini, and he didn't do anything."
- "That's because he is shy!"- Emily excused him right away.
- "My bikini leaves pretty much nothing to the imagination. Do you know what he said when he first saw me on it?"- I looked at my friend and poured us another round of tequila- "And I quote, "I don't think I brought enough books. This one is too interesting."
I air quoted with my fingers as we spoke, and the three of them looked at me, speechless. I made my point and drank my shot, feeling the alcohol burning down my throat. My friends opened their mouths but didn't produce a word. I sighed and looked at them.
- "But he hates the beach, and he took you there anyway,"- Emily pointed out
- "Did he give you his speech about how he hates sandy food?"- JJ asked me, and I chuckled, nodding.
- "And about pink skin, limited and unengaging topography, and of course, the real reason he hates the beach: drug-resistant bacteria spread by seagull feces."
- "And the man took you to the beach!"- Penelope argued.
- "But he didn't do anything! he didn't make his move, didn't even hold my hand!!"- I nearly shouted- "That's why, among a lot of reasons, is how I know Spencer is not interested in me! If only I'd tell you all the shit we've been through!"
- "Please!! Tell us!!"- Garcia begged and grabbed one of my legs- "I won't live another day 'cos I won't be able to deal with the mystery!"
- "No! 'cos you are gonna tell Morgan"- I slurred- "And he is going to embarrass and tease my honey bunny, and my honey bunny is gonna get all nervous and nervous around me, and we are never going to..."- I stopped talking and looked at my friends. I was sharing too much.
- "(Y/N)?"- Prentiss looked at me, but I just shook my head and looked down.
- "I think I better go home."
- "No, you can't drive like this,"- JJ argued immediately and held my hand- "I'm not gonna let you go intoxicated. Will is gonna come pick me up, and we'll drop you in your place."
I nodded at her and stayed still. My friends smiled at me, and slowly very slowly, I leaned on JJ's shoulder and rested my head on it.
- "I love you, boo,"- I whispered, and she giggled- "I don't think I'll stay sane without you there with us anymore."
- "Hotch is gonna manage to get her back,"- Penelope assured me, and I just nodded.
- "Meanwhile, we won't replace you, and if anyone tries to push someone new into the team, we are not gonna take them,"- I added, feeling JJ's hand holding mine.
- "Don't be mean with people just 'cos you miss me. If there's a new teammate, it won't be their fault I was pushed out of the BAU."
- "But, JJ,"- I tried to argue, but she shook her head right away.
- "No, (Y/N). You can't be mean to people just because."
Clearly, my friend hoped I could be the better person. The simple question was: did I want to be the better person? Right there, drunk and sad, the answer was no.
Spencer's point of view
I kept finding myself awake at four in the morning, walking around my apartment, not able to read or to write anything. For the last months, at least twice or three times each week, I would stay awake, no matter how tired I felt, and I would haunt my own apartment, listening to my vinyl records.
The sudden lack of sleep wasn't really something weird in me. I have always been nocturnal. Besides, the news of JJ's departure had hit us all pretty hard. I had already shared my share of tears and tried to manage the fury that caused me to know we were helpless to the government's decisions. There was nothing we could do, neither us, Hotch, or even Strauss. Not that she would if she could.
My family was in crisis, and all we could do was hope for the best and stay together.
It was scary losing JJ. It made me think of all the things that could go wrong every day on the field daily. It was bad that we could get hurt or even die on our work. But that they divided us that way made no sense. Like Rossi said: our loss was someone else's winning, and in the FBI, no one cared if we lost.
I poured myself a cup of herbal tea and inhaled the smell of it. It smelled like home. Like (Y/N). She had some of her favorite teas in my apartment. She had a bunch of all her things there, actually. When mom visited, she thought we were living together. She is still sure we are dating and that I don't wanna tell her. I don't longer argue with her about it. It's useless, and it somehow feels good to imagine in another world. It was actually true.
That year my feelings for my best friend had grown in a way that made it all more difficult to deal with. I didn't just love her. I was in love with her. She was in everything I did, in each and every one of my thoughts. I could hear her laughter in my head, like a record playing my favorite song over and over again.
When she was out there in the field, I couldn't stop running all the probabilities of her getting hurt, and most of the time, I would do my best to keep her safe, knowing it could somehow interfere with the case.
Hotch had called me to his office a few times, aware something was going with me. He could read it on my face, I guess. It was scary to know everybody could read my feelings for (Y/N) but her. And it was sad to think of the worst: that she knew how much I loved her, but she didn't feel the same, and she was just being my friend 'cos she was never going to be anything else but my friend.
I drank my tea and hummed the song that sounded in my house at four in the morning: Love is a losing game. Seemed pretty accurate for my mood. I remember the day I got that vinyl. We were out with (Y/N), Frank, and Lu, looking for a present for Mikey's birthday, and we ended up in a record store, getting a million vinyl records for ourselves.
- "Are you getting all those?"- (Y/N) asked me and looked at the seven albums in my hand.
- "Yes, why? I can't?"- I answered and raised an eyebrow.
- "Sassy!"- she giggled and grabbed them- "You can get all the albums you want. But I have to give my approval first. No, you are not getting this!"- she grabbed The Beatles' Revolver and left it aside.
- "What? Why? It's only one I need to complete my collection."
- "I know, but when you get it, you'll force me to listen to it, and I don't like the Beatles,"- she argued, and I just shook my head, taking the album again.
- "Sorry, chipmunk, I'm buying it."
- "Fine. I won't go to your house for the next couple of weeks then."
- "Why don't you tell me which album you wanna listen to when you are in my house then?"- I looked at her, smiling at me and looking for a record on the shelves.
- "This! You need some Amy in your life."
And I did. Now, at four in the morning, all alone walking around, I could see her in my apartment, singing along to her favorite songs while cooking dinner, feeling at home. I wished she was there, with me, doing nothing. Watching tv, or reading. Just hanging out. I knew it wasn't healthy being in love with my friend, seeing her every day, and also hanging out with her every chance I got. But even when I knew she was never going to love me the way I did, I was going to take every chance I had to enjoy her company. If that was all I was going to get.
My phone took me from my thoughts, and I quickly walked to my room to get it. I thought it was Hotch announcing a case, but it was JJ.
- "Hey! JJ, everything ok? Is Henry ok?"
- "Yes, hi Spence. We are all ok."
- "It's four in the morning."
- "Sorry I woke you up... I just..." - she made a pause and sighed at the other side of the line- "Spencer, you know I love you."
- "I love you too. You are one of my best friends. Is everything ok?"
- "Yes, I just wanted to... remember a bunch of years ago, when you asked me to that football game?"
A million years had passed since the one and only time I had asked JJ out. It was the only move I tried to do on her, and I failed incredibly. It was awkward, and she had no idea it was a date, so she invited Garcia to come along. I was so embarrassed I never even mentioned that single event ever again, and our friendship grew after.
- "Yes, I remember, JJ. Why?"
- "When you asked me out, did you have a crush on me?"
- "JJ, are you drunk?"- I had to ask 'cos that conversation was starting to scare me.
- "Yes, but that's not why I'm talking about this. Just answer the questions, Spence. When you asked me out on that date, did you have a crush on me?"
- "Yes, I did."
I closed my eyes, embarrassed to face feelings that were far forgotten.
- "You see, I had a crush on you too back then,"- JJ said and chuckled- "But neither of us acted on it, and life continued, and now I'm in love with Will, and we have a baby, and you are his godfather."
Of all the things I thought I would listen to that day, never in a million years, I imagined I would hear JJ drunk telling me she had a crush on me when we first met.
- "Now, do you want that to happen again?"- she asked, and I didn't get it, 'cos I was still trying to process what I had just heard. So I might have had a relationship with her if only I had said something, act on it. Kiss her, ask her out again?
- "What?"
- "Spence. Do you want to miss the chance to be with the girl you like?"
- "No, but JJ, what are you talking about?"
She sighed, frustrated, and used that tone of voice with me, that very maternal specific tone of voice she used to explain things she knew were hard for me to follow.
- "When you like someone, Spence, you have to tell her. 'Cos sometimes, life gets in the way, and if you don't do what you have to do to be happy, no one will do it for you."
- "Are you ok, JJ?"
- "Yes, Spence, I'm ok. I'm home with Will. We just got here after dropping (Y/N) off her place."
- "How was she?"
- "She might have had a few too many drinks, but she'll be ok in the morning. Maybe she'd appreciate it if you brought her coffee and donuts."
- "She doesn't like donuts,"- I corrected her- "She likes cupcakes and brownies."
- "Sorry. Coffee and cupcakes... just tell her you love her, Spence. She deserves to know."
I held my breath and closed my eyes. I didn't get why JJ was telling me that, but I knew I didn't want to talk about it. So I said good night and hung up.
What was the point of telling me we could have been a couple of years had passed already? Why didn't she say a thing before? Or even better, why didn't she ever say a word about it at all? So I missed the chance to be happy with her. Great. One more regret to add to my list.
I laid on my bed and tried to remember that date. I was so nervous that day, my hands shook inside my pockets as I walked to JJ's door. She looked beautiful that day, especially when she looked at me and announced she had invited Penelope to join us.
That was when I realized she would never see me as a proper date, just like a friend. And I learned to make my peace with that over the years. My crush for JJ lasted a few more months, but it vanished when I fell for (Y/N). What if she had never joined the team? Would I have been in love with JJ forever? Jeniffer always made me feel like her little brother, and I guess that's the mechanic that works for us. We were good friends ever since we met, and yes, I had a crush on her, but we work more like siblings than anything else.
What was the point in telling me I had missed a chance with her now? I just couldn't see it.
(Y/N)'s point of view
The next few weeks were us trying to survive without JJ. The team was making the best it could, but it was hard. Penelope took the lead during the second case without JJ. She turned into our tech analyst and communication liaison, only to collapse under the pressure of having two roles.
No one was going to replace JJ. We all knew it. Literally, no one, 'cos Hotch decided he and Garcia were going to split the job, and we were all going to collaborate as much as we could, 'cos we were a team. A family. And that's what families do.
And families were the target of the unsub we were hunting the day everything changed. Again. I hadn't recovered from the departure of JJ when Rossi and Hotch walked to the bullpen and introduced us to Agent Trainee Ashley Seaver.
My nemesis.
- "Agent trainee Seaver"- Rossi smiled at her like a proud father and looked at us as we stood up, wondering who she was- "Supervisory Special Agent Prentiss, (Y/L/N), and Morgan."
- "I've heard so much about the three of you,"- she said with the sweetest tone of voice I had ever heard. Something about that felt odd.
- "I hope it is all good- Morgan flirted right away, of course."
- "Very, sir."
- "Anything specific? I mean about me in particular?"- I turned to him and failed in holding back my chuckles.
- "Please, don't encourage him, or he will never stop talking,"- I said, and Derek elbowed me playfully. Seaver smiled at us and even blushed a little bit. She was nervous.
- "Agent Seaver is on loan to us from the academy while she is remedial training with an injury."
Hotch announced. And my stomach tightened right away. There was something wrong with that whole scene. I could feel it in my guts. But I didn't know why?
- "Concussion. Hand to hand got a little out of control."- Seaver explained and kept a silly smile on her face.
- "How's the other guy?"- Prentiss asked.
- "Don't ask."
- "I was remediated in the academy also,"- Spencer said, walking over us, and suddenly I understood why I had a bad feeling about everything.
- "Agent Seaver, Dr. Reid."
As soon as I heard Rossi say those words, there was a part of me who just wanted to hold Spencer's hand and push him away from her, even before they could say hi. She looked at him like he was eye candy, and I clenched my knuckles as I stared at the scene.
- "Uhm... What was your issue?"- she asked him, and I could see the pink on her cheek intensifying as he looked at her, confused.
- "What was my issue? Marksmanship, physical training, obstacle course, Hogan's alley. You know, pretty much everything that wasn't technically book related. They ultimately had to make exceptions to allow me into the field."
Seaver stared at him and kept nodding, though I wondered if she was listening to what he had said. Spencer looked exceedingly handsome that day. His hair was very short for the first time in years, and he still had no idea how to comb it, so it was all over the place, making him look as hot as fuck.
I was so in love with him, I didn't know what to do with those feelings at all. It was hard working with Reid at that point. I just wanted to kiss him.
- "Agent Seaver's going to accompany us to New Mexico,"- Aaron announced, and I couldn't help but question him right away.
- "She is?"
- "As a consultant."- he assured me.
- "On?"- Morgan raised an eyebrow and looked at Hotch, wondering what a trainee agent could help us with as a consultant.
- "She has a unique perspective,"- Rossi tried to explain, but it sounded like bullshit.
- "They don't know?"- Seaver turned to the elderly agents, and they shook their heads.
- "Well, we weren't sure how you wanted to,"- David whispered.
- "Uh... Seaver's not my original last name. It's my mother's maiden name. Mine used to be Beauchamp. My father is Charles Beauchamp"- Ashley was supposed to explain the circumstances of her consultancy to the whole team, but she just looked at Spencer as she spoke.
- "As in the Redmond ripper, Charles Beauchamp?"- he asked her, and suddenly, it clicked. It was like my whole body was telling me I couldn't be close to her for a reason.
- "That's him,"- she whispered and kept her eyes on my best friend as he continued talking.
- "He killed 25 women over 10 years in rural North Dakota. I think that you caught him, right, Rossi?"- and David nodded.
- "Hotch was on that team, too."
- "Based on her life experience, we were hoping that agent Seaver might recognize something in the family dynamics inside the community that could be helpful. We have a plane waiting,"- Hotch announced and looked at us, but none of us said a word.
I kept my eyes glued at my feet the whole time Aaron talked. Then, Spencer nodded and walked with Seaver and Rossi out to the hangar. I couldn't even blink. I think I was in shock.
- "Her father was a serial killer?"- Prentiss asked Hotch, not getting what he was thinking.
- "That's definitely a different set of parameters,"- Morgan added. Neither of them was sold on the idea, which made me feel a little bit better.
- "I don't want her presence to get us sidetracked. It's a long shot that she's gonna see anything helpful. We work it like any other case,"- Hotch was clear, and Prentiss and Morgan nodded.
- "You got it."
But I disagreed with that.
- "(Y/N), is everything ok?"- Aaron asked me, and I tried my best to lie and be cool.
- "Yeah, I'm ok."
- "Ok. We work this like any other case. Wheels up in twenty."
But everything was far from being ok.
I sat next to Spencer on the jet, and we reviewed the case files together. Hotch briefed us, and we all pretended it wasn't weird having Seaver there. And I guess we had to pretend it wasn't odd knowing her dad was a serial killer.
- "You are very young, (Y/N),"- she said and smiled at me. She was sitting across from Spencer and me, and you could tell she had been trying to join the conversation for a few minutes now.
-" Twenty eight,"- I answered and looked at the files again.
- "And you, doctor?"
- "You can call me Reid. I'm twenty eight too,"- Spencer cut her a short, awkward, and nervous smile, and I turned to him.
- "Honey, did I leave my Mets jersey at your house?"- it was the only question that came to my mind at that minute. It was completely random, but somehow it showed a part of our dynamic that Ashley didn't know. Our friendship. Our closeness.
- "Yes, I found it last night,"- he answered and sipped his coffee- "I was gonna bring it over, but then I remembered you always borrow all my sweaters when you are home or when you stay over, so I thought maybe it was a good idea to keep it at my place."
- "I don't know, Batsy. It's my favorite sweatshirt- I raised an eyebrow, and I'm pretty sure I even flirted a little bit."
- "So? You need to keep one there."
- "But I like wearing your clothes when we are at your place. It's extra large and extra comfy."
- "Is that why you keep taking my sweaters back to your house?"- he asked and chuckled- "Last Sunday, I found four of my sweaters in your closet."
- "Sorry, I'm not even sorry,"- I said and laughed- "And what were you doing in my closet?"
- "Lucy, Ricky, can we focus on the case?"- Morgan asked and waved at us with one silly grin on his face- "We love hearing your adorable daily adventures, but we've got a psycho killer to catch."
Spencer blushed and flustered right away. I stuck out my tongue at Morgan and just shook my head. The way Seaver looked at Reid was still driving me nuts, but I felt I had shown her he was mine, childishly.
It's embarrassing to think that's not the most childish thing I did around her those days. Or in the weeks to follow. But I didn't like Ashley, and I didn't want her around my team. And it wasn't just her constant flirting with Spencer. It was the fact her father had killed my mother's sister when she was in college, and I was making my best effort to keep that fact aside from work. My personal life had to stay out of the FBI, especially when working a case.
I had to do some serious mental work trying to remember it wasn't Ashley's fault her father was a sick bastard. She hadn't hurt my family, and her father had ruined her life too. It wasn't her fault.
But one thing is knowing. Another thing is being rational about it. Spoiler: I wasn't so rational about it.
- "So, (Y/N). Do you like working at the BAU?"- Ashley asked me and looked at me through the rearview mirror. We were in the SUV, and Prentiss was driving. I was in the back seat, trying to ignore her, but she made it impossible.
- "Yes, very much,"- I answered and nodded, not taking my eyes from the window.
- "Everybody is very friendly,"- Seaver added and made a pause. I don't know if she wanted me to say something or if she was trying to find a way to say what she wanted to say.
- "Yes, they are,"- I humored her, and she quickly responded.
- "Are you and Spencer dating?"- I could feel the blood raising my cheeks as she spoke. And Prentiss flashed me a look through the mirror as Ashley continued talking.
- "I'm sorry. I don't mean to be rude. I just wondered because of the fraternization policy."
- "Right. Sure. Of course."
Those three words were meant to let Ashley know I wasn't buying her bullshit, So I literally spit them.
- "Spencer is my best friend. We are not dating."
Facing that simple truth had never been harder before, especially after how I saw Ashley's face light up.
- "You just seem to be so close."
- "Oh, they are close,"- Emily smiled at me and winked- "They are so close, they sometimes freak us out."
- "We freak you out?"- I raised an eyebrow and carefully hit her arm, pretending to be upset. But honestly, I was glad she was teasing me.
- "I am just saying, we are all pretty suspicious about you two. I am actually surprised you didn't share rooms tonight. They usually share rooms."- Emily explained to Seaver.
- "He was paired with Morgan,"- I pouted and looked at my phone. I thought maybe I could send him a funny text. I actually wanted to hang out with him.
- "He is very nice,"- Ashley added- "I mean, everybody is nice."
- "Yes, you mentioned it"
I was clearly not being nice. Seaver nodded and looked at the files again. I assumed she was trying to find a way to keep asking about Spencer, and I was making my best not to kill her.
- "Working with a genius must be somehow intimidating,"- she said after a few minutes. Damn it, she wasn't going to let that subject go.
- "It's fun working with Spencer,"- Prentiss said, trying to humor Seaver. And mostly, I guess trying to ease my mood and keep me from killing the trainee agent.
- "I'm sure it is,"- Seaver added. I hated her.
- "He is more than just a genius, he is a nerd."- Emily pointed out and chuckled at her words, making Seaver giggle too. I looked at my book again, but I knew I wasn't going to be able to concentrate on it at all. He was my nerd. Mine.
- "Well, it's very refreshing to be with a group who trusts and works so well together,"- she added- "I had never felt less judged and more welcome in my entire life."
I know I should have felt sorry for her. But I honestly couldn't. That was the day I realized I wasn't the good person I thought I was. There was a part of me that was a scumbag. I'm guessing knowing that is pretty helpful and positive 'cos you can work on your flaws. But I wasn't planning on working on anything at that minute, though. I just wanted to break Seaver's face.
Spencer's point of view
I didn't like working without JJ. I've never been good with change, and that was a massive alteration of our routine. I missed her, and adding Ashley to the team made things even weirder for me, even for a case. I didn't want to be judgemental, but her father was a serial killer. Of course, that would make things weird.
Besides, everybody kept bugging me, teasing me, trying to see if I liked Seaver. Penelope called while we were on the case and started taunting me, saying she knew I thought Ashley was cute. I could see she was beautiful, but I couldn't see her that way. And I didn't want anyone to say those kinds of things around (Y/N).
Why did I care so much?
I didn't want to face it 'cos I knew it was completely platonic, but I didn't want (Y/N) to think I had a crush on Seaver. I knew my best friend didn't have romantic feelings for me, and I also knew I wasn't going to make a move on her or anything. But I didn't want things to change more than they already had. And most of all, I didn't want anything to alter my dynamic with (Y/N).
But at the same time, somehow, it felt everything was already different between us.
- "Hey, honey bunny,"- (Y/N) walked to me and handed me a cup of coffee- "I thought you might need one of these."
- "You are a lifesaver,"- I whispered and sipped the cup. It was perfect.
We were on the jet on our way back home. The whole team was mostly quiet. The mood was weird. Ashley had done something quite reckless earlier and nearly got herself killed. She walked to the unsub's house all alone, not knowing he was our guy. She almost died, and none of us can even imagine what went through her head to do such a thing.
Rossi and Hotch walked to her. (Y/N) looked at me, and I could read on her face that both of us knew what was going to happen.
Ashley was alone when David sat in front of her, and Hotch stood in the middle of the aisle. Maybe that had been insensitive of us. Neither of us tried to contain her. Neither of us really knew her that well. Or at all, as a matter of fact.
- "You were not supposed to go off on your own."- Hotch went straight to the point.
- "I know,"- she whispered, and I could see how (Y/N)'s face changed. I tried to read her, but all I was able to see was... anger? I had to be wronged. She had no reason to be mad at Ashley.
- "You could have been killed,"- Hotch crossed his arms on his chest and stared at her.
- "I know that, too."
- "Why, Ashley? You're smarter than that"- Rossi sounded like a worried father. I didn't look at him 'cos I kept my eyes on (Y/N)'s, still trying to read her emotions. But what I saw made no sense. She really looked like she was angry at Ashley. Like she hated her.
- "I never got to apologize to any of the victims. The families of the women my father killed. I thought if I could just apologize to one family that had been hurt that way..."
And that was when (Y/N) snapped. She jumped from her seat and walked to Seaver. Aaron and David looked at her surprised, and Morgan turned to me, taking off his headphones. Neither he nor Prentiss got what was happening until that moment.
- "Ok. Shoot!"- (Y/N) sat right in front of Seaver, next to David, and looked at her. But she didn't get it.
- "What? What are you talking about?"
- "You just said you wanted to apologize to one of the families. So go ahead. Try."
The silence on the jet was so deep and awkward it felt no one was ever going to talk again.
- "I'm sorry, (Y/N). But I don't get what you are implying,"- Ashley's voice was a whisper. I knew she was sad and affected, embarrassed even. But I also knew (Y/N), and I could read it on her face. She wasn't joking.
- "You said you wanted to apologize to the family of one of your dad's victims, so go ahead. Apologize to me."
My first instinct was to stand up, which I did. But I froze and didn't take a step closer to (Y/N) when I noticed the severe and cold look in her eyes. I didn't know what she was talking about. But I knew she wasn't bluffing.
- "Why should I... apologize to you?"- Ashley asked her, and her voice broke at a certain point, probably scared of the answer.
- "Your dad killed my mother's older sister. She was in college,"- (Y/N) spit each word with hate and looked at Ashley, waiting for her reply. But Seaver didn't know what to do. She widened her eyes and stayed still. She barely kept her breathing steady.
- "(Y/N), maybe we should let Seaver rest,"- Hotch landed a hand on her shoulder, but my friend shook her head.
- "No, Hotch. By making that choice, she put everyone at risk,"- (Y/N) didn't take her eyes from Ashley as she spoke- "As far as I remember when you are at the academy, they teach you that in the field, we are responsible to and for your team."
- "(Y/N)... I had no idea..."- Ashley tried to apologize, I could see it, but it was clear she wasn't going to win that argument- "I am so sorry."
- "I don't know, Seaver. Did you think saying "sorry" would make those families feel better? 'Cos it ain't working here. "Sorry" won't make my mom stop feeling guilty about what happened. And, if things had gotten ugly back there, "sorry" wouldn't have made your mistake go away in case anyone would have gotten hurt. So no. Sorry doesn't help. Maybe it can ease your conscience, but when you really fuck it up, it never makes things better."
(Y/N) stood up and walked back to her seat in front of me. I let her pass and didn't say a word. I knew she wouldn't want to talk about it there. And, of course, Seaver didn't say a word. She just stood up and walked to the back of the jet, to the bathroom. Rossi and Hotch looked at each other and then looked at me.
David poured a glass of whiskey and walked to (Y/N) slowly. He didn't say a word, he just handed it to her, and she just took it and sipped it with shaky hands.
- "Thanks,"- she whispered, and Rossi nodded. Hotch raised an eyebrow, and for a moment, I thought he was going to say something, but he didn't. He just walked to his seat and opened a case file.
I moved back to my seat and opened my satchel. I had run out of candies earlier that day, so I didn't have much to give to her that could make her smile. So I picked a book and handed it to her. She took it and smiled at me kindly. I knew she was fighting back the tears, and I am sure she has held back all the emotions than being with the daughter of the man who killed her aunt since she knew who Seaver was. And she managed to do the job well. I was proud of her.
- "Wanna grab something to eat when we reach DC?"- I whispered, but for the first time ever, she shook her head.
- "I'm gonna have to catch a rain check for that dinner. I think I wanna go straight to my bed today, honey."- she sipped her glass again, and I nodded.
- "Don't worry, next time."
I was waiting for the train to go back home later that night when I saw Seaver sitting at a bench at the station, staring at her hands on her lap. I didn't see her leaving the BAU, though to be honest, I was really focused on finishing my paperwork to go home. (Y/N) had left as soon as we reached DC, but I had stayed a little longer.
I hesitated for a few seconds before I took a few steps closer and waved at Seaver. She looked at me surprised, as soon as she saw me, but didn't move. I smiled, trying to look friendly, and sat next to her.
- "Hi. What are you doing here?"- I asked her, and she shrugged.
- "I was going to go home, but I think I sat here half an hour ago and haven't been able to move,"- I turned to her and shook my head.
- "Do you want to eat something?"- after what had happened at the jet, I figured Ashley wasn't feeling so good, and maybe talking with someone could help her. She looked at me and blushed; I don't know why. But at least, she smiled and nodded.
- "Great, pizza?"
- "Pizza sounds good."
We were waiting for our food and making small talk. I kept giving Ashley pizza facts to fill the silence 'cos it was weird hanging out with Ashley. I didn't know her, really. We had worked a case together, but that didn't mean I knew her. And, of course, we had the whole jet incident. I felt a little guilty about what had happened, though it wasn't my fault at all in retrospect. I just felt like it was my job cheering her up a little bit after everything she had gone through.
- "How do you do it?"- she asked me all of a sudden- "How do you deal with the pressure of this job?"
- "You get used to it, I guess. I don't know if it's a good thing to get used to, but... it comes with the job, I think,"- I didn't know if I was doing ok comforting her. Then again, I have never been particularly good at it. Not then, not now.
- "Did you always dream about doing this?"- she asked me, and her eyes locked into mine in a way that made me feel slightly uncomfortable.
- "Y... yes. Ever since I was a kid, catching the bad guys,"- Seaver nodded and sipped her coke- "You? Why did you get into the academy?"
I regretted my question right after I asked, just 'cos I realized she might have done it to understand her father's behavior. It was only apparent that had shaped her actions.
- "I guess you know that..."- Ashley answered and smiled, her eyes looking straight into mine. I know I blushed. She is a beautiful woman, though I wasn't thinking about her that way. It was an odd feeling being observed that way.
I was glad our pizza made it to the table, and we were forced to stop talking, and I could focus on anything else but her. Not that I didn't want to look at her, but... I think the right way to explain it is to call it "uneasy." That's how I felt. I wanted to be friendly with her, she had a horrible experience consulting with the team, and I was sure she wasn't really having a good day.
- "This might sound weird, but... do you think I can call you sometime?"- Ashley asked after a few minutes. We were eating and talking about nothing important. I nearly chook at her words and looked at her, nodding.
- "Sure, why?"- I didn't mean to be rude. I just didn't know why she might need to talk to me again.
- "I just think maybe you could help me with a few assignments at the academy."
- "Yeah, of course."
Ashley Seaver smiled and nodded at me, pleased. She took a sip of Sprite, and I could read her, trying to find the words to continue speaking.
- "I'm glad. I was sure you were going to say no."
- "Why?"- I furrowed my brows, confused- "I'm not a big fan of phones, but I can handle a casual phone call."
- "No, I just didn't think your girlfriend would like... I mean, I think (Y/N) hates me, and as her boyfriend, I thought you... would... I don't know."
- "I'm, we are... we,"- I was completely flustered as I tried to rearrange my thoughts. Seaver looked at me innocently and waited for my words.
- "(Y/N) isn't my girlfriend"- it bothered me to admit that simple fact. Why? 'Cos it hurt to think we looked like a couple, but we weren't. Why did Seaver think we were together?
- "Really? But..."
- "She is my best friend,"- I explained poorly. She nodded and hesitated before saying what she was thinking. It was obvious she was trying to arrange the words in her head.
- "It's just that you two... sorry, I'm overstepping,"- Ashley blushed and shook her head- "She is... strong."
- "Yes, very."
- "I think I started with the wrong foot with her."
- "Well, I don't mean to justify anything, but if your father hurt,"- I made a pause, trying to find a way to say it that wasn't so painful.
- "Killed. My father killed her aunt,"- she corrected me with a cold and monotonous tone of voice. I just nodded and sipped my water.
- "She is an amazing person,"- I don't know if I was trying to excuse (Y/N)'s earlier behavior or if I just loved her so much I needed to tell people how awesome she was.
- "I'm sure you will pass this,"- I assured her- "Once you get to know her, and she gets to know you."
- "I don't think she will give me that chance. Besides, I was just clear to assist with only one case."
- "If you want to stay, you can request your remedial training be here. And if Hotch approves it, I could talk to (Y/N). I'm sure she will like to know you better."
Why did I say all that? I had no idea.
- "Thank you, Spence. You are really sweet,"- Ashley moved closer and held my hand. I stayed very still, absolutely awkward.
- "Yeah, I don't... like... holding hands,"- I quickly moved it away and tried to smile at her. She stayed still, not understanding my reaction but trying to act normal.
- "Sorry."
- "That's ok. I'm a germaphobe, that's all."
After pizza, we left the place and said goodnight. I told Ashley I was weary (which was, in fact, the truth) and got her a cab to take her home. After that, I walked to my place. I felt like I needed to be alone for a while. My head was overwhelmed, and in the latest couple of weeks, I had severe trouble sleeping.
I had migraines that nearly blinded me. I was scared they meant I could develop the first signs of schizophrenia, like mom, 'cos they were coming more and more often. It wasn't that bad yet, the light didn't hurt my eyes, and I didn't have any sign of hallucination, but still, I knew it could be serious.
I tried to think of a reason why I might be having those severe headaches. I was eating correctly, mostly 'cos (Y/N) forced me to eat. No, she didn't force me, but she made sure I had all my meals at work, not just coffee. And usually, at the weekends, we would spend our time together, and she was a fantastic cook. So it wasn't an alimentary issue.
I wasn't sleeping well. That wasn't new, but it was getting serious. I wrote and read a lot at night 'cos I couldn't fall asleep until late. I didn't know why. I just couldn't rest. My body ached, and my brain wouldn't sleep. The only nights I could actually get some rest were the ones when (Y/N) stayed with me. It was a blessing when Hotch paired us to share rooms, 'cos I could easily fall asleep when she was around. Her presence soothed me in a way that I didn't understand. Let me put it this way, I know it might sound cheesy, but the beating of her heart set the rhythm for my own, and at night it would bring me peace.
I reached home that night and sighed. I knew I wasn't going to rest easy. (Y/N) wasn't there with me. So I made myself a cup of herbal tea, (Y/N) had a lot of those in my house, and I drank them when I missed her. The smell coming from the cup made me feel like she was close.
How pathetic I had become! But I could only share those thoughts with myself. No one knew I had feelings for her, and I was going to deny it till the end, no matter what had JJ said. I couldn't take that phone call from my mind, and on those sleepless nights, I kept overthinking and overanalyzing everything.
I got into bed with a few books and my cup of herbal tea. I took a look at my cell phone, two new messages.
- "I miss u"
(Y/N) sent, and a warm feeling spread on my chest as I imagined her whispering those words as I read them
- "Breakfast tomorrow before work?"
- "See you at seven-thirty."
I typed and sent it.
What could ever happen if I told her how much in love I am with her? I would lose her, and I'd be alone. She didn't feel that way for me. It was a fact. I was just glad she was my best friend, and I could share everything with her. Was I pathetic? Yes, very, but in a way, it felt it was just all I deserved. Not more, not less. Just being in love with a girl who didn't love me back.
At least she wasn't dating Paul anymore. I hated that guy.
(Y/N)'s point of view
Spencer was waiting for me outside our usual coffee shop, already holding two cups of coffee. His short hair looked dreamy as she smiled and took off his sunglasses. It had to be illegal being that hot. But, seriously, how didn't he get laid? He was fucking dreamy. In the four years we had been best friends, I saw Spencer in many hairstyles, and each of them made him look like a model.
Falling in love with Spencer Reid had been a process I hadn't actually been fully aware of. But I was completely conscious I needed to hide those feelings from him and from everybody at the BAU.
Ok, fine, I had somehow faced part of those feelings in front of my drunk best buddies at Penelope's house, but I never actually confirmed anything. I had just... shared some of my frustrations, I guess.
- "Good morning, honey bunny,"- I smiled and sighed as I stood in front of Spencer, watching him grin back at me and hand me one of the coffee cups.
- "Good morning, chipmunk. Did you get some rest?"
- "Yes, I fell asleep as soon as I reached my bed. I was exhausted."
- "I'm glad you are fully rested."
- "What did you do yesterday?"
- "Nothing,"- he answered quickly and turned around- "I got you a carrot muffin to go."
- "Thank you so much. I'm starving. I didn't even have dinner yesterday."
- "Really?"
- "I told you, I reached home and crawled into my bed."
We walked outside the coffee shop in silence. Spencer bit his donuts, and I ate my muffin. It was nice and calming being with him doing domestic things in life.
I hated how much in love I was with him 'cos I knew I had to shake that feeling away. He was never going to have feelings for me. I was a regular human being, and Spencer Walter Reid was a genius. He deserved better, he was actually never to think about me that way, and I refused to ruin our friendship with those feelings.
- "So, Comic-con is coming. What are we doing this year?"- I asked as I drove us to Quantico.
- "I was thinking we should do something classic,"- he looked at me, nearly beaming on his seat- "We haven't done Star Wars yet."
- "Really?"- I frowned, confused- "All these years? Are you sure?"
- "(Y/N), eidetic memory,"- he argued, and I chuckled- "So, how do you feel about Leia?"
- "Do I have to be Leia 'cos I'm a girl?"- I asked him, and he flustered right away.
- "What? No, you can be whoever you want to be. I was just, it came to my mind... I didn't,"- I giggled and looked at him for a second.
- "I'm messing with you, Batsy. I always wanted to dress as Leia. Surprisingly, I never had. Padme once, it was a mess, but never Leia. Who are you planning to be?"
- "Maybe Luke... or Obi-Wan. Morgan suggested C3PO once."
- "If I'm Leia, you should be Han,"- I don't know why I said that out loud. I thought about it, I pictured it in my head, but I knew I shouldn't have said it. Then why did those words leave my mouth? I don't know.
- "Han Solo... yes... yeah, sure. Of course! We can pick our outfits this weekend."
- "Great! What do you think would look better? Slave Leia or classic all in white Leia?"- Spencer didn't answer. He just sipped his coffee and looked outside the window.
- "You would look good in both,"- his cellphone interrupted our conversations, and I thought it might be a case. But I was so wrong, it hurt.
- "Hello? Oh, hi, Ashley,"- I nearly hit the break as soon as I heard him saying her name, but instead, I turned around and looked at him.
- "Good, yes. On my way to work with (Y/N). Oh, that's good."
I didn't care what she was saying. I just needed to know why that bitch was calling him. I was blind in jealousy, and I was having a hard time hiding it.
- "Really? Emily? That's... that's great. Sure, we'll see you around, gotta go. Bye."
- "What the fuck?"- I swear, I didn't think what I was saying. Those words just slip through my lips straight from my guts. I hated Seaver.
- "That was Ashley."
- "Figured when you said "Hi Ashley." What? Are you best friends with her now?"
- "What? No! No way! She just wanted to say hi... and... She.... asked for my number 'cos she wanted to help her with some of the academy's projects,"- Spencer was so nervous he actually stuttered as he answered my simple question.
- "Of course, she did,"- my voice was bitter and hurt, but most of all, ironic. And I don't know if Spencer didn't want to understand me or actually didn't get the hint, but he just continued talking.
- "She wanted to tell me she requested her remedial training be at the BAU."
- "What?!"- that wasn't subtle. I actually yelled- "I'm gonna have to see her again?"
- "If Hotch approves..."
- "Fuck!! That's awful!!"- I hit the wheel, frustrated.
- "She's not a bad person, (Y/N). Her dad was a murderer, but that doesn't mean..."- I turned to look at Spencer for a second, and he just shut up- "Sorry."
- "I don't like her, Spencer."
- "Yes, I know."
- "Her dad killed my aunt!!"
- "I know..."
- "And on top of that, that bitch is..."
I had to bite my lips and focus on the road, actually holding my breath for a few seconds, just not to open my mouth and ruin it all.
The main reason why I hated Ashley Seaver wasn't just because of what her father had done. That itself was enough to keep her away. But on top of that, she was flirting with Spencer. She wasn't even subtle about it; she was nearly all over him. I saw her! She wanted him, and he had no idea! He was blind to her attention. Unless he liked it. Did he? Shit, I hoped not.
- "She what?"- Spencer whispered, scared of my reaction.
- "She plays the pity card the whole time. Bad things happen to all of us. You don't have to make it who you are, she does, and she expects sympathy."
I grabbed my muffin and took a big bite of it. Spencer sighed and stayed quiet for a moment, giving me space to decompress, I think.
- "Did you know the origins of carrot cake are disputed by many countries?"- I looked at Spencer, and he nodded- "Many food historians believe carrot cake originated from the English recipe of carrot puddings, eaten by Europeans in the Middle Ages when sugar and sweeteners were expensive, and many people used carrots as a substitute for sugar."
- "My mom would fight all those historians and convince them she invented it. Her carrot cake is the best."
- "And I would agree, the cake she baked for your last birthday was amazing."- I nodded and heard him chuckle as I kept my eyes on the road. I wanted to focus on the memories of my last birthday and how fun it was, but something was bugging me.
- "And why did she call you to tell you what she wanted to do?"- I parked the car outside the BAU and turned to Spencer. He opened his mouth, but no word came from it. So I asked him again.
- "Honey, why did Seaver call you to announce she would take the remedial training at the BAU?"
- "It... might... had been my idea,"- he whispered and held his satchel tight against his body. I didn't know what to say. I couldn't believe it.
- "Why on earth did you do that, Spencer?!"- I shouted as I got out of the car, grabbed my purse, my clean go bag in case we had a case, and started walking towards the building.
- "It wasn't like a suggestion. She just..."
- "I can't believe it!!"
- "It doesn't have to be that bad! It's just for a few weeks..."
- "Hopefully, Hotch won't accept."
- "(Y/N), come on,"- Spencer held my hand and stopped me- "This is not like you. Yeah, you don't like her, but you are making it a big deal, and it's not."
- "I'm starting to think you are crushed on her,"- I didn't want to say those words. They just slipped.
- "What!? Why? No!! I'm not!"- the high pitch on Spencer's voice was a clear sign of how uncomfortable he was with the conversation.
- "Then why are you defending her?"
- "I am not! I'm just saying maybe you are acting a little bit... irrational about this whole thing. She hasn't done anything bad."
- "Other than jeopardizing the whole case yesterday?"
- "Right, other than that..."
I felt Spencer's hand in mine, and I swear, I couldn't stop thinking about how it felt. It kept sending shivers all over my body. His thumb rubbed small circles on my skin, probably trying to calm me down, and it worked. I followed it with my eyes for a second as I took a few deep breaths and nodded.
- "Ok, I won't make a big deal if she stays."
- "Thank you."
- "Just... don't ask me to be her friend."
- "You don't have to be her friend."
Spencer stood in front of me and smiled. I swear all I could think of was kissing him. And a part of me felt it was getting harder and harder to resist. He put on his sunglasses and kept his hand in mine for a moment until Penelope's voice took us from our little bubble.
- "Good morning, my wonder babies!! Ready to fight crime?"
I actually didn't know what I was getting into.
Hotch had taken the day off. We were around the one-year anniversary of Haley's death, and according to what Rossi explained to us, Jack wasn't feeling so good. It was said it would be just a day or two, but I had the feeling it might be a couple of weeks. Hotch would always put himself second, but he would do whatever it took to keep him safe when it came to his son.
Morgan had been asked to take a trip to Petersburg Federal Correctional Complex to do a risk assessment on a case, so Spencer, Prentiss, and I were in the bullpen. Garcia was in her office, and Rossi was in a meeting with Strauss. I'd say it was a very calm morning, catching up with all the pending paperwork we had. Spencer had just gotten me a cup of coffee when I heard Seaver's cheerful voice.
- "Hi guys!"- she walked in with a big smile and waved- "How are you?"
Spencer looked at me as we all said our hellos. I could almost read "Please, be nice" written all over his face, and for a moment, I was willing to do as told. I didn't want him to suspect why I was so annoyed by her after all.
- "I talked to Hotch"- Emily smiled at Seaver and moved a chair for her- He signed off your remedial training, and I'll be your training agent. I'll supervise your work. I already told Rossi too, so it's official.
Ashley jumped from her chair and hugged Emily. I rolled my eyes and stared at the file on my desk. I really wasn't ready to deal with her. I wasn't prepared to deal with someone trying to steal Spencer from me.
Ok, Spencer wasn't mine to keep, but we had been inseparable for four years, and I didn't want to lose that. I didn't want to lose him.
I had never been ready to deal with Spencer dating other girls. The few times girls had hit on him had been awful. Once, Morgan took him to a club when we were on a case, 'cos the unsub was picking his victims there, and he taught him how to pick up girls. The bartender ended up giving him her number 'cos my dorky best friend was charming. Derek still remembered that moment from time to time, quoting it as "The day he turned Spencer into a man."
I loved Derek, but fuck, I hated him sometimes.
- "Welcome to the team,"- Spencer waved at Seaver from his desk and turned to me, raising an eyebrow.
- "Yeah, welcome,"- I added and cut her a short smile.
- "I'm thrilled to join you guys for a few weeks. I always dreamt of being here. I'm ready for making it up after the last case."
- "Don't be so hard on yourself,"- Prentiss interrupted her and smiled friendly- "You remained calm under pressure, and the case was solved. That's all that matters."
I had to control myself not to snort after Emily's words. Instead, I kept my eyes locked on my desk like I had done before. I was so focused on it that I could have actually developed telekinesis skills and moved the freaking file with my eyes.
- "I just wanted to say thank you to all of you,"- Seaver's voice was soft, in a mix of fear, excitement, and... something else I couldn't read.
- "Especially you, Spencer. I really enjoyed our talk last night, and I have the feeling I wouldn't be here if it weren't for you. Thank you for the pizza. I owe you dinner."
- "Don't, it was nothing,"- Spencer flustered and stood up quickly, grabbing his pile of files and walking away, arguing he needed to ask Garcia something.
I did my best not to move a muscle. I didn't want Seaver to know how much I hated the fact she had shared what seemed to be a lovely evening with Spencer. One he didn't actually mention when we talked about what we had done the previous evening. Why did he decide to keep me in the dark? I couldn't understand that. Maybe he just didn't want me to know he actually had feelings for Seaver. Maybe he had asked her out, and because he knew I hated her (though he really didn't know why), he decided not to tell me what was going on.
I had been wasting all that time in love with Spencer. I knew I would never act on those feelings, and clearly, he didn't have feelings for me. So... maybe it was time to let him go.
How could I let Spencer Reid go when I never actually had him?
â
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Next update: June 16th, 2021
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intelligence & issues (Hotch x Fem!Reader) -- chapter twenty-two
Iâm liking this two updates a week schedule because I hate leaving you guys hanging like that!! I hope this chapter makes it all better xx.
Oh btw the title of this chapter and last chapter are lyrics from âHold Onâ by Chord Overstreet! (Also I know the gif is irrelevant but the ~emotion~ of it is relevant)
ALSO (wow I have a lot I keep forgetting to add) I meant to @ her last chapter, but all of these medical scenes and things were 100% done with the help of @thedumpsterqueenâ because I know next to nothing about all this stuff and she was an angel and let me ask all the crazy questions <333 (P.S. she has a Hotch fic called Standards of Performance on her blog that you guys should alllll read if you havenât already!! Itâs SO good itâs one of my favorites)
Warnings: angst and sadness, but thatâs pretty much it
Previous chapter || Fic Masterlist
Chapter Twenty-Two: I canât imagine a world with you gone
Everything is a blur in Hotchâs mind before and after the first gunshot rings through the air. He didnât need to hear the buzzing in his ear to know it had hit you.
He took off at a sprint, as did the rest of the team.
His ears are ringing. His thoughts are racing. Heâs never been a man who talks frequently to God, but heâs praying. Hoping youâre alive. Begging you to not be dead.
Aaron would never forgive himself if you died. As it stands, though, he wonât ever forgive himself for this.
Prentiss, Reid, and Rossi take off in one direction. Hotch and Morgan take the other. Police officers fill the gaps and follow behind, everyone searching for you and Savannah.
Morgan is the first to stumble on the room. His throat aches when he screams for Hotch, keeping his weapon aimed at Savannah.
âPut the gun down!â Morgan yells.
Hotch comes skidding to a stop in the doorway a second later, weapon raised, but his eyes are focused on you. Savannahâs boot is pressing into your thigh, blood oozing from your wound, soaking your pants, spilling onto the concrete. Hotchâs heart drops at the sight. Heâs seen enough bullet wounds to know how much blood should come from them. That is too much.
The bullet mustâve hit the major artery. And the thought terrifies him.
Morgan takes the shot when Savannah refuses to move. It hits her stomach and she stumbles for a moment before falling. Morgan yells for the paramedics again, distantly thinking they should be in here by now.
Hotch falls to the ground beside you, his hands cupping your face, not caring who sees. His thumbs tap your cheeks, willing you to open your eyes. You have a pulse, but itâs weak. Weaker than what it should be.
He presses hard over your wound, hoping to slow the bleeding, but thereâs more surrounding your leg than he wants to see.
âY/N?â He says, his eyes watching your eyelids for any movement. He lets out a momentary sigh of relief when your eyes open. âY/N, please, can you hear me?â
You stare back at him, no signs of his words registering in your eyes. Theyâre empty. Haunted, again, but for a different reason this time. This time itâs different. âAaronâŠâ
âIâm here,â Hotch says gently, pressing his hand harder, his heart breaking when you groan in pain. âI know,â he says, shushing you.
Your eyes travel around the room then, and Aaron follows. Morgan is pressing his hand over Savannahâs wound, speaking into his wrist, asking the others where the hell the paramedics are at.
But Aaron doesnât want you to see that, so he cups your jaw again, turning your eyes back on him. He smiles as best he can, the tears beginning to spill from his eyes as he takes in your face.
âThereâs my girl,â he says softly. âKeep holding on. Theyâre almost here.â
âAaron,â you try to say, your voice low and strained, and Aaron shakes his head, trying to get you to stop talking. âAaron...I donât wanna go without-- I need to tell you that I--â
âShhh,â he tries again, not wanting you to waste any energy. âYou donât need to.â
âI love you,â you finally get it out. And heâs stunned to complete silence and tears. âI love you so...so much. It hurts.â
âY/N,â he says, panicked. Your eyes are closing. âY/N! Come back, Y/N, come back to me. Y/N. Y/N, please.â
Hotch is too caught up in holding your face and keeping pressure on your wound to notice the paramedics have arrived. One team goes to Savannah, relieving Morgan, while the other comes to you, trying to usher Hotch away, but he doesnât budge. Â
âHotch,â Morgan tugs on the unit chief, grabbing at his arms, his heart breaking for the both of you. âHotch, you need to let them get to her.â
Reluctantly, Hotch backs up, clenching his bloodied fist, grimacing at the way your blood sticks his skin together.
Everything else is a blur.
What does it need to be clear for, anyway? If youâre not here?
+++
Youâre still in surgery.
Itâs been an hour. But it feels longer. It feels like itâs been an entire twenty-four hours.
The entire team has taken up camp in a waiting room at the hospital.
Reid is reading and rereading every magazine he can get his hands on to distract himself, never mind the fact that he reads them so fast that he rips a page on one from turning it so quickly. Morgan has Garcia on the phone and has left to get coffee at least three times, the first time returning with a tray of steaming cups and the next two times returning with only one, but two tearful eyes. Emily has been pacing and will wear a hole into the tile at this rate if she walks for another hour. JJ has been staring at the wall, chewing so hard on the inside of her cheek that she flinches when she draws blood.
Rossi has been staring at the wall, too, but mostly heâs been worrying about and watching Hotch.
Aaron has been biting his nails, tugging at his hair, angrily wiping away tears, and left once to go on a walk before returning two minutes later, asking if they had heard anything. Those two minutes had felt like two hours and he was worried sick for all 120 seconds that he missed something.
Dave hasnât tried to say anything to Aaron, though he wants to. Itâs heartbreaking to watch Aaron like this.
Youâre going to pull through. Dave â and the rest of the team â canât afford to think otherwise. And they refuse to think otherwise, unable to imagine what it would be like if you werenât here.
But it seems like Aaron is thinking otherwise.
Truthfully, he is. But heâs thinking about so much more.
You love him. You love him. You love him.
And he was too stunned to say it back. The one chance he had, and it might be gone now. Ripped away. Forever.
He sent you in there. He did this to you. He had his reservations, but the call had already been made. You seemed so sure. You wanted to do this so badly. He didnât want another fight about him not trusting you because itâs not about his trust for you, itâs about how terrified he was for you.
Heâll never forgive himself for this now. Not ever.
Itâs a world he canât even bear to imagine. One without you in it.
Yet here he is, grappling with the fact that he might not have to imagine it soon. He sent you in there. He knowingly put your life in danger. And now heâll have to live with the consequences.
+++
Aaron is shaken from his trance by the doctor and a nurse coming in to inform the team that youâre out of surgery and that it went well.
But youâre in the ICU.
âShe lost a great deal of blood,â the doctor says gravely. âBut we think sheâll pull through. She just needs to be watched closely for the time being.â
Everyone nods silently, not sure of what else to say, other than feeling relief that youâre alive.
âVisiting hours are long over, so I recommend you all get some rest,â the nurse says. âSheâs in good hands here.â
âThank you,â Rossi replies.
The doctor excused himself, but the nurse stayed, offering to answer any extra questions. âVisiting hours start at seven a.m.,â she says first. âAnd in the ICU, only two visitors are allowed in her room at a time.â She doesnât voice an apology, but one is in her tone as she glances between the six team members.
âCan I stay?â Hotch blurts out of nowhere. The team memberâs heads all turn to look at him in surprise. âCan anyone stay the night, I mean.â
âUh, yeah,â the nurse nods. âOne person can.â Her eyebrows furrow sincerely. âAre you her dad?â
Morgan internalizes a snort.
âNo,â Hotch replies kindly. âIâm not, but Iâd like to stay. Iâm her boss.â
Still the nurse looks skeptical. âWould she be okay withââ
âSheâs his girlfriend,â Emily blurts out, tired of waiting. And when Hotch sends her a look, she says, âWhat? It wouldâve taken you hours to say it.â
âOh,â the nurse chuckles, embarrassed. âIâm so sorry. Yes, of course you can stay.â
Hotch lets a tiny smile shine through, but itâs not much. Truth is, heâs terrified to see you. But leaving you here alone â even if this is a hospital â terrifies him more.
The rest of the team says goodbye to head back to the hotel for some much-needed rest, if they can sleep at all. They know theyâll wake every couple hours to worry about you before sleep consumes them once more.
In the meantime, Hotch will be here to look after you for all of them. Youâre like a little sister to the rest of them, even though Morgan is the only one to have voiced that. Youâre loved here. Loved more than youâll ever be able to comprehend.
Youâre loved by Aaron much more than heâll ever be able to articulate to you. But heâll try. Heâll try to help you see.
+++
Hotch is finally walking to your room in the ICU after another half hour of waiting. The nurse said they had to get everything settled in your room before he could come back, which only made Hotchâs worry spike even more.
But eventually, heâs in your room with you. A pillow and blanket is in the chair by the window, but heâs not paying attention to it.
You. Youâre asleep, of course, and probably will be for a few more hours. The nurse said you had already woken up once, but because of the pain medicine and the overall stress your body has been under in the past few hours, you fell back to sleep almost instantly.
Tears well in his eyes at the sight of you, laid up in the hospital bed, IVs and wires all over you. The beeping of the heart monitor is the only real sign to him that youâre even alive. Your chest is rising and falling, but itâs barely visible underneath the gown and blankets and wires.
You have one regular IV placed on the top of your left hand. Some other line is in your upper arm, and another in your wrist. He has no idea what theyâre all for, he just knows he hates seeing you connected to so much.
Aaron wipes at his eyes angrily. Does he have a right to be this upset when heâs the one who sent you in there?
He turns and sets the pillow and blankets in the other chair, knowing he wonât sleep tonight even if he wanted to. Instead, he pulls the chair closer to your bed, where he can place his hand next to yours.
And, if you happen to wake up, you can reach for him if you need to.
+++
Three hours pass and you still havenât woken up. Aaron knows. Heâs been watching you the entire time.
The nurses have come to check on you a few times, assuring Aaron that itâs normal for you to be sleeping like this. But he just nods silently.
He wants you to wake up. Just for a minute. He needs you to just open your eyes and look at him, just once. Thatâs all he needs.
But itâs wishful thinking as the sky begins to lighten, showing the first signs of dawn.
Aaron links his pinky with yours, afraid to do much else and risk messing up your IV. Holding pinky fingers is enough right now. Or at least, itâll have to be.
âIâm sorry,â he says out loud, to you, or really to no one at all, because heâs not even sure you can hear him. âIâm just so...sorry, Y/N.â
Stupid tears gather in his eyes again, clogging his throat, stopping his words.
But he keeps going.
âItâs my fault,â he says. âAnd I know youâll try to convince me that itâs not, but Y/N, it is and Iâm so sorry. I canât believe I let this happen to you.â
He leans his head into the palm of his free hand, tightening his pinky fingerâs grip on yours.
âI love you,â he blurts it out, tears warming his palm as they cascade down his cheeks. âI love you and I need you to wake up because I need you to hear it. I love you. I donât think thereâs ever been a day that Iâve known you that I havenât loved you.â
He sniffles, loud and body-rattling, glad heâs alone in this room with you because heâd never let anyone else see him like this. No one but you.
âI tried to get it out before, but you were already gone, and Iâ You need to wake up. I need you to wake up. Please.â
Aaron keeps his eyes closed and head down for a few minutes longer. He doesnât even see that youâve opened your eyes.
Until your pinky finger gently squeezes his.
He lifts his head quickly, eyes wide and wild when he sees youâre looking back at him, eyes glassy with tears and exhaustion.
And just like that, just seeing your eyes open and looking right at him, the dam breaks once more. Heâs a mess of tears when he leans his head down onto the bed. You lift your hand and thread your fingers through his hair, closing your eyes as more tears slip down your cheeks.
You scratch a soothing pattern on the base of his skull, moving your other hand over your body to hold onto his arm. He senses the movement and lifts his head, grabbing your hand and pressing it to his lips.
Heâs not sure how long he stays there, all he knows is his back aches when he straightens up again, and youâve fallen back asleep.
Next chapter
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The Right Chapter 24 || Aaron Hotchner x Fem Reader
Happy Saturday my loves! A little fluff/angst double whammy for your afternoon :)Â
contains: grouchy aaron, food mention, description of anxiety, canon-typical description of murder
wordcount: 2.4k
âI seem to remember you being the one lecturing me about the bureauâs generous sick leave policy not all that long ago,â You told Aaron as you gently shoved him back into bed three days after heâd broken his leg.Â
âI also recall that in that situation, you were the one who was injured,â Aaron grumbles, and you roll your eyes.Â
âYes, and you stayed home to take care of me. Now, Iâm returning the favor,â you reminded him.Â
âIâm not going to get a brain bleed, I just need the leg to heal. You donât need to stay with me all day while I sit in bed.â He argues.
âYouâre right, but I think we both know that if I wasnât here, you wouldnât stay in bed, and seeing as how you canât get as far as the bathroom without my help, that might present a problem.â You chastise him. âIâm not coming home to you bleeding out in the hallway because you fell over and couldnât help yourself.â
âYou make me sound like Iâm eighty years old.â he scoffed.Â
âWell, if you agree to wear a life alert, maybe Iâll go back to work.â You said, throwing your head against the pillows. Thereâs a few moments of silence, punctuated by Aaronâs deep sigh.Â
âIâm glad youâre here. Sorry Iâm being grumpy.â He apologized. âI just donât want you to have to take care of me.âÂ
âYouâre injured and in pain. Youâre allowed to be grumpy,â you told him. âAnd I plan on taking care of you for the rest of my life, so you should start to get used to it.â
âCan I hold you for a little while? You donât have to go near my leg,â he says, knowing youâve been extra-gentle to avoid his injury since youâve been home together. âYou could put your head on my chest and I could just⊠hold you,â Aaron asks shyly, and your heart melts.Â
âOf course, baby.â you say, snuggling your torso in close, leaning your head against his pec and resisting the urge to toss your legs over his. âSee? Sick leave isnât all that bad,â you tease him.
âNo, I suppose not,â he smiles, rubbing an arm up and down your back.
âJack is so excited to have you home.â You comment.
âNot that it matters, I canât even take him to the park or ride a bike with him.â Aaron grouses.Â
âAaron, heâs over the moon just to have time to spend with you. He could sit here in bed with you watching Toy Story on a loop for the next six weeks and Iâm sure heâd tell you it was the best month and a half of his life.âÂ
âA month and a half⊠Iâm gonna go crazy.â Aarom remarks, more to himself than to you.Â
âYouâre gonna have to take up a hobby. Maybe knitting,â you snort, and Aaron smiles.Â
âYeah, or braiding or something,â he agrees offhandedly.
âBraiding?â You ask.Â
âOh, I mean, or maybe I could get back into Chess, finally get good enough to beat Spencer--âÂ
âNo, no, back up, what made you bring up braiding?âÂ
âUh⊠itâs just⊠something Iâve been thinking about in case we ever, you know, made a decision, and felt like maybe---âÂ
âAaron, spit it out,â you laughed.Â
âJust⊠if we had kids, or a daughter, I would want to be able to do her hair. Because if youâre not home, I donât want to be the dad that doesnât know how to do his daughterâs hair.â He confesses, the embarrassment clear in his tone. You place a kiss to his chest.Â
âYou are a good man, Aaron Hotchner.âÂ
âIâm glad you think so, anyways.â
âAlright, youâre getting grumpy and self-deprecating, which is a bad combo. You need a nap.â You instruct him teasingly.Â
âYouâll be here when I wake up?â He asks, tightening his hold on you just slightly.Â
âOf course, love. You go ahead and rest. Iâm not going anywhere.â
You went back to work a little over a week later, when Aaron was mostly off of his pain meds, and able to get himself around the apartment without any assistance. You were still staying there when you werenât on a case, and found yourself grateful that youâd decided to sign a month-to-month lease-- you werenât sure what the point was of keeping up the pretense of separate places anymore. But, then again, with Aaron injured, now probably wasnât the best time for a move. You're working through a few scenarios in your head when Spencer interrupts your train of thought.Â
âHowâs Hotch feeling?â He asks as you and the rest of the team board the jet to head home after a case.Â
âHeâs doing better,â you tell him. âThe pain isnât bothering him as much and heâs getting a little bit of his range of motion back. Iâm still trying my best to keep him in bed, but Iâm sure you can imagine how well thatâs going,â you tell him with a smile.Â
âWell, tell him I canât wait to have him back. I hate all this paperwork,â Morgan cuts in with a playful chuckle, and you shove at his shoulder.Â
âIâm trying to keep him home, Derek. Besides, we all know that Spencer is doing most of the paperwork for you,â you called him out, and Emily and JJ laughed.
âHeâs just so fast,â Morgan defends himself, and now everyone is laughing.Â
âWe do want him back,â Emily tells you. âBut not until heâs good and ready. And then, you know, maybe even a few weeks after that. Wouldnât kill him to take a vacation.âÂ
âIâm not so sure about that,â JJ smirks.Â
âPlease, heâs already itching to get back to work. I think heâd leave me if I asked for a vacation.â You tell Emily.
âNo, if you asked for a vacation heâd buy a plane ticket in an instant. And heâd bring his work phone and his computer to the beach and try to solve a murder from underneath a palm tree,â Morgan argued playfully.Â
âSometimes when we take a case somewhere warm, I stand in the parking lot for five minutes and face the sun. And if you close your eyes, itâs almost like a vacation.â You say.Â
âWerenât you literally taken hostage the last time you did that?â Spencer asks, and you roll your eyes goodnaturedly.Â
âWell, there goes my tropical getaway,â you tease.Â
With Morgan as acting unit chief, paperwork deadlines are considerably more flexible, which is to say nonexistent. Strauss would probably have a field day when she went to review the case file, but that wasnât your problem. And, quite frankly, as you rushed to your car to get home to your boys, you couldnât care less.Â
When you swing the door open, you interrupt a very spirited game of Connect Four between Jack and Aaron. You notice that Aaron has at least three opportunities to make a winning move, all of which he ignores in favor of allowing Jack to push his chips in at random.Â
âYouâre home!â Jack exclaims when he sees you, scrambling across the living room and wordlessly commanding to be held by you.Â
You hoist him up onto your hip, not without difficulty. He was getting big, and it made you a little sad. It strikes you that you wonât be able to do this forever, wrap him up in your arms and make him feel small and safe and secure. You squeeze him tighter. âWere you good for your daddy while I was gone?âÂ
âUh-huh.â He nods, pulling back to look at you and running the collar of your shirt in between his thumb and forefinger absentmindedly.Â
âAnd was Daddy good? He stayed off of his booboo leg?â You asked the only Hotchner who would give you a truthful answer.Â
âDaddy was good.â Jack confirms, and you narrow your eyes skeptically.Â
âDid he bribe you to say that? Ice cream for breakfast, or a new comic book?â You ask.Â
âNo. We watched Toy Story and I learned checkers. I had cereal for breakfast, not ice cream.â He tells you, and you relent.Â
âSounds like you had a lot of fun, bug.â You say, putting him down and crossing the living room to sit next to Aaron on the couch, who leaned over to press a kiss to the top of your head and placed a hand in your lap.Â
âI did. But I missed you.â Jack tells you, climbing onto the couch next to you.Â
âHeâs not the only one,â Aaron whispers, pressing another kiss to your hair.Â
âI missed you both, very very much,â you tell them, snuggling closer into Aaron and placing a hand in Jackâs hair.Â
âWe had pasta for dinner. I saved you a plate,â Aaron tells you.Â
âThank you, baby.â You tell him. âBut, Iâm pretty sure itâs past somebodyâs bedtimeâŠâ You mention, and Jack pouts immediately.Â
âI told him he could stay up until you got home, but he promised he wasnât going to fight when it was time for bed, right buddy?â Aaron reminds his son.Â
âCome on, sweet boy. Iâll tuck you in,â You tell him, pecking Aaronâs lips briefly before scooping Jack up off of the sofa and bringing him to his bed, tucking him in with extra stories and kisses to make up for the nights you missed while you were gone.Â
When you come back into the kitchen, Aaron has heated up the leftover pasta and is waiting for you at the counter.Â
âYou didnât have to get up, I would have done that,â you tell Aaron, knowing full well that heâd never actually listen.
âHow was the case?â He asks as you settle in and start to eat.Â
âIt wasnât too bad. We got the guy to surrender without hurting any of the hostages. A few of them were in pretty rough shape, but they should all recover.â you tell him in between bites.Â
âAnd the team? Everyoneâs doing okay?âÂ
âWeâre all good, babe. JJâs getting really good at the geographic profile, but I think it annoys her to stay at the station when weâre all out.âÂ
âSheâs pregnant. Itâs not worth the risk,â Aaron reminds you.Â
âI know, honey, but itâs still annoying. Itâs kind of like when you break your leg and youâre not allowed to go to work but you still have to hear all about it from your girlfriend,â you point out, and he smirks at you.Â
âMorganâs doing okay? The field agents arenât giving him any trouble?âÂ
âMorgan can handle himself just fine against any cocky field agent. You donât need to worry about us, sweetheart. Weâre okay. You trained us up good,â you smiled at him, and he blushed, rolling his eyes at you. âWe want you back, but we want you back healthy,â you tell him.
âWell, the doctor cleared me to start PT in two weeks. So hopefully Iâll be back sooner rather than later,â Aaron tells you.Â
âThat's great news! So the cast is coming off soon?â You ask.Â
âYeah, he wants to see me again to take it off and give me the final go-ahead for PT.â
âAnd youâre gonna take it easy at PT, because you know you canât rush recovery, right?â You remind him.Â
âYes, mom,â he teases you with a smile.Â
âItâs my turn to fret over you. Karmaâs a bitch,â you smile at him as you get up to take his plate to the dishwasher. As you do so, his phone rings.Â
âHotchner,â he says into the receiver. âWoah, woah. Slow down, please. Are you okay?â Aaron says, and you turn around immediately, concerned. âGarcia, hold on. Iâm going to put you on speaker. Yeah, sheâs home. Sheâs here with me.â Aaron says, his eyes flicking over to you as he pulls the phone away from his ear and adjusts the volume.Â
âOkay, so, I have been keeping an eye on Joshâs arrest record, awaiting his arraignment and his court dates so that we could throw a big âJosh is in prison for life party,ââ she tells you, spitting out information a mile a minute. âThere hadnât been any movement for a few days, and I couldnât figure out why, but I decided to check one more time before I went to bed tonight, and Joshâs dealer posted bail for him four days ago.â
âWhat?â You say. You heard her, heard every word she said in perfect clarity. But there had to be a mistake, right?
âGarcia, what do you have on the dealer? What has Josh been doing for the past four days?â Aaron asks, and you hear him, but you also⊠donât. Everything sounds like you have cotton stuck inside your ears, or like youâre underwater. This couldnât really be happening, could it?
âThatâs a trigger,â you mumble quietly, and you think that Aaron doesnât hear you, heâs so focused on his conversation with Garcia that you try hopelessly to follow. He turns to you, after a moment, tucking his phone back into his pocket.Â
âWhat did you say, doll?â He asks you.Â
âThatâs a trigger. You know, how we say that serial killers have triggers that make them start killing people. This is probably a trigger to start killing,â you say, staring at a spot of dirt on the tile. Jack must have tracked it on his cleats, and Aaron couldnât mop with his injury. You should really clean that. You needed to get the dirt off the floor. Mop, mop, where did Aaron keep the mop? You pulled it out of the closet and were headed for the stain when you felt Aaronâs hands come to rest on your shoulders, blocking your path.Â
âHon, what are you doing?â He asks, trying to make eye contact with you, which you avoided.Â
âThe floor needs to be mopped.â You answer, emotionless.Â
âWhy donât you come sit down, the floor can wait,â he says, trying to guide you towards the sofa.Â
âAaron, your knee! Go sit. Go, go. I just need to get the floor clean. Please just go sit and I can fix it. Itâs okay. I got it.â You got more and more worked up as you continued to stare at the dirt, watching the stain grow as your vision blurred, as if the dirt were mocking you.Â
âHey, hey hey. Whereâd you go, angel? Come back here with me, love. Youâre gonna be okay. Iâm not gonna let anything happen to you.â He says, wrapping his arms around you.Â
Youâd never wished more that you believed him.Â
tagging:  @romanogersendgame @wanniiieeee    @zheezs14    @greeneyedblondie44 @angelic-kisses13  @baumarvel @ssamorganhotchner  @ijustwannaread2k19   @rexit-mo @shmaptainhotchnersmain @qtip-blog @averyhotchner  @the-modernmary @itsmytimetoodream @choppa-style @hotforhotchner11 @infinite-tides @isthatme-thatsme @g-l-pierce @bakugouswh0r3 @ssahotchie @sleepyreaderreads
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honey and glass part 2 ~ spencer reid
i move to new york but i canât seem to escape spencer reidÂ
spencer reid x reader angst + hurt/comfort (sorta, itâs all in first person but with no names/no specific descrptions)
word count: 15.4k (got a bit carried away lol)
read part 1 here!
disclaimer: i do not ship jeid or think they had any chemistry but itâs a good opportunity for angst x
itâs snowing in new york.
i groan internally, resting my head in my hand as i stare out the window.
itâs half past six and most of my co-workers have already left for the night, but iâm still trying to mentally prepare myself to venture out in the cold.
âhey!â agent cole greets me as he flops into his chair at the desk next to mine, a mountain of papers in his arms.
âhey,â i mumble in response, âyouâve got a small rainforest there,â i motion with my head to the folders he has now spread across his desk.
âyeah, the bishop is laying it on me thick this week. you make one mistake in this place and its paperwork, paperwork, paperwork for a month. i need to get through this by lunchtime tomorrow.â
i pause and glance out the window again. i really hate the cold.
âi can give you a hand if you want-â
iâm about to suggest that he hand me over half of his files, but before i know it agent cole is leaping to his feet and flinging on his coat, âyou are a lifesaver let me tell you that, god bless fitz for bringing you over from quantico!â
heâs scooping up the folders in his arms and dumping them onto my desk.
âoh! i meant that-â
âthanks again, really appreciate it!â agent cole cheers and before i can protest heâs already past the double glass doors and clambering into the elevator, he gives me a wave as the doors slide closed in front of him.
âno problemâŠâ i say to myself.
i shuffle into the breakroom and put on a fresh pot of coffee, iâm going to need it. i fill up a mug and envelop my hands around it as i sit back down at my desk, the heat from the coffee warms my numb fingers enough to hold a pen between them. i make a start on agent coleâs paperwork.
itâs a few hours and many cups of bitter coffee later when agent fitz appears from his office, heâs wrapping a thick, wool, scarf around his neck when he passes my desk and pauses.
âyouâre still here?â
âyeahâŠpaperwork,â i say, pointing to the pile of folders i donât even seem to have made a dent in.
he raises an eyebrow, âyour file said you were efficient, but i didnât think that even you had the ability to fill out paperwork on cases we havenât even worked yet.â
i laugh nervously, âwhat do you mean, sir?â
âwell, my role as assistant unit chief to agent bishop involves ensuring that all agents are up to date with their paperwork, so i know that all of your cases have been written up, reviewed and filed. so you either have some kind of psychic ability that allows you to predict your future cases and do their paperwork, or this isnât yours.â
i canât tell from his tone whether he is annoyed or amused.
âright,â i nod slowly, âsee the thing is sir, agent cole had all of this paperwork to do and i offered to help him, only he thought i was offering to-â
âto take it all?â
âyes, exactly. agent fitz, sir.â
he takes a sharp intake of breath in through his nose, âi think that agent cole knew fine well what you meant.â
âwhat? then why would he-â
âcan i give you some advice?â
ây-yes. of course, agent fitz. go ahead.â
âyouâre a very nice person, but youâve been here six months now so you donât need to worry about making a good first impression anymore-â
âiâm not,â i say defensively, âi just wanted to help out a fellow agent, we used to do it at the bau all the time-â
he gives me a look.
âsorry for interrupting agent fitz, sir.â
âyouâre not in quantico anymore honey, this is new york. so my advice to you is to stop being so nice, because i hate to be the one to break it to you but agent cole has taken advantage of your niceness big time here.â
âso your advice to me is to be mean because right now iâm too nice?â
ânot mean, just firm. agent cole was given the extra paperwork as a consequence of his own actions, and because youâre too nice, youâre still at the office filling out reports while heâs relaxing at home.â
âbe less nice, got it,â i nod and stare down at my hands, unable to believe that i fell for that, iâm supposed to be a profiler, âthank you, agent fitz,â i smile at him.
âjust call me fitz, everyone does,â he says as he begins to unwind his scarf.
âwhat are you doing? youâll freeze out there without that-â
âweâll get through this in half the time if we split it,â he shrugs, âiâm gonna grab a coffee, do you want one?â
i jump to my feet, âitâs okay, i can get the coffee-â
âhave you forgotten my advice already?â
i can feel the heat flooding to my face, âdonât be too nice, got it,â i sit back down again and twirl my pen.
âsee, youâre learning,â he lifts my mug from my desk, âany cream or sugar?â
i shake my head.
he nods and moves into the breakroom.
i let out the breath i didnât know i was holding. iâd been here sixth months, i thought i was finally fitting in. everything was different in new york, the way of working, the people, the humour. something that wouldâve sent spencer into a fit of giggles back in virginia would only earn you a concerned stare here.
or maybe that was just spencer and iâs sense of humour, we got looks back in quantico too. but it was okay because i was with him. it had been six months and the promises of texts, phone calls, emails and letters had withered away.
jj was the only one i still regularly heard from, we called every week.
there was the occasional text from morgan, and garcia.
emails from hotch and rossi.
but from spencer, it was radio silence. i told myself it was because he was a technophobe, and he hated texting on that tiny little phone of his.
âthe buttons are too small,â heâd complain.
yet my suggestion of him updating to a modern model was âout of the questionâ, i understood he didnât like it, but i didnât understand why he wouldnât make the effort.
maybe i wouldâve confronted him about it if iâd had the nerve, if i wasnât too nice.
âthere we are,â fitz says, placing a mug of steaming coffee in front of me.
âthank you, agen-,â i pause, âthank you fitz.â
he smiles and takes a pile of papers from my desk as he sits in agent coleâs seat.
too nice, the words echo in my head.
if i hadnât been so intent on being the nice, sweet, helpful new girl i could be at home by now. granted my tiny apartment wasnât much to go back to, but it was something. i had a chance for a fresh start here and i wanted to be the girl that people liked and respected. i wanted things to be different but iâm just as spineless as iâd been in qunatico.
all honey, no glass.
âyouâre leaving?â
âyeah.â
âwhen?â
âtwo weeks.â
spencer gets up from the couch and storms away from me, he stares out the window, âso youâre leaving your job in the bau - one of the most sought-after jobs in the bureau - to work for the counter terrorism division in new york?â
he almost sneers âcounter terrorism divisionâ at me and iâm taken aback. the spencer in front of me isnât the spencer that i love, i close my eyes and tell myself that heâs just being defensive. iâve known him long enough to recognise his abandonment issues.
âwhy are you saying counter terrorism like that? like itâs a step down for me? because itâs not. itâs better hours, better pay-â
âcost of living is higher in new york city!â
âand my new salary will be more than enough to cover it! theyâre also helping me with moving expenses, helping me find an apartment â they really want me over there, spencer,â i run a hand through my hair, âdo you know what thatâs like for me? to have someone want me so much that theyâd pay me 20% above the standard salary-â
âso this is about money for you then?â he says bitterly.
âno! itâs about someone valuing me and what i can do. itâs about someone thinking that iâm good enough and giving me the chance to prove that to myself.â
 âand what, you think that we donât value you?â
 âi didnât say that spencer, iâm just saying that i have a chance to excel over there and be a better agent. iâm a good profiler, but iâm not a great one, even you can see that. iâll be happier when iâm finally in an environment where i donât need to put myself down and compare myself to everyone around me.â
 âplease stay,â he pleads, âcanât you stay for me? everyone is leaving or dying. please, you canât leave me too.â
 spencer reid is standing in front of me with tears in his eyes begging me not to go, and i want nothing more than to rush to him and promise that i will never abandon him. if i hadnât already signed a binding contract, i would probably be in his arms now.
 i shake my head, âiâm sorry spencer, itâs already been decided. iâm only staying these extra two weeks to give hotch a chance to find someone else, i didnât want you to be down two agents.â
 spencer clenches his fist, âi canât believe this is really happening. jj left, and now youâre leaving too. emily hasnât even been dead a month and-â
 âyou think i donât know that? you think i just forgot that emily died? you arenât the only one suffering here spencer! agent fitz brought up transferring to me over a year ago, i called him up about it before jj left for the state department and i was meant to go to new york weeks ago!â
 i close my eyes and take a shaky breath before i can bring myself to continue.
 âand then emily died. and i stayed because we were all grieving and i wanted to be close to you guys, but i canât put my life on hold forever, i canât expect agent bishop and agent fitz to keep the job open for me forever, itâs time for me to go.â
 âwhy didnât you tell me any of this sooner?â
 âbecause emilyâs death hit you really hard and i-â
 âno, before that. you said that you were planning this before jj left, why did you wait so long?â
 âbecause after i called agent fitz i needed to do interviews and go through another round of interviews and interrogations, theyâre really strict on security over there. it took weeks for me to even find out if they would grant me the security clearance required for the job, i wanted to be sure i was going before i said anything. and then jj left, and i was getting ready to go when emily needed help with doyle, and i told myself i would stay for once more case and then-â
 i have to stop because thereâs a lump in my throat and my body is trembling. the memories of emilyâs death are still so fresh in my mind, i want to curl up under a blanket and never come out when i think about her corpse, rotting away under the ground.
 âplease donât go, i need you,â he says, not even trying to disguise the way his voice cracks.
 i shake my head, âno you donât.â
 he doesnât. he has morgan, and hotch, and garcia, and rossi. and most importantly jj. i know that when heâs not crying in my arms, heâs crying in hers. i know the only nights he chooses me over her are the nights when sheâs busy with will, or henry or something classified at the all-mighty state department.
 âyes, i do! youâre the only one whoâs there for me 100% of the time, youâre the only person i can talk to about jj-â
 the only person i can talk to about jj. there we go, thatâs the reason he wants me to stay. i donât know why iâm so surprised, or why it hurts so much to hear. i should be used to it by now.
 âi canât just hang around because you need a shoulder to cry on.â
 i mustâve let more venom slip into my voice than i intended because spencerâs face drops immediately.
 âi-i didnât mean that, i just meant that youâre my best friend and i donât know what iâll do without you.â
 best friend. i canât bring myself to respond.
 âis that what it is? are you leaving because of me? do you think that i donât appreciate you, that i just think of you as a shoulder to cry on? because i donât think that at all-â
 âspencer, you havenât done anything wrong, iâm not leaving because of you, okay?â
 thatâs a lie. and i hate lying to him, but heâs so busy pacing and running his hands through his hair that he doesnât detect the guilt plastered across my face. spencer is the primary reason for my leaving, but not in the way that he thinks.
 âare you sure?â he asks frantically, âhave i done something to upset you? donât you want to be my friend anymore-â
 itâs ironic how spot on he is, whilst still being utterly oblivious to my feelings for him. iâm leaving because he unknowingly devastates me every day, iâm leaving because i donât want to be just his friend, i want to be more but that can never happen.
 because he still loves jj. and i know that i can never be happy sitting on the sidelines of his tortured longing. iâm only trying to do whatâs best for myself, but when i look at the pained expression on his face i canât help but feel like a selfish bitch, iâm abandoning him when he needs me most. Â
 âlook, spencer iâm moving to new york, not australia, itâs not even that far. And we can text, and call each other and email, we can even send good old-fashioned letters if youâd prefer. this isnât the end of the world.â
 âi think i could manage a text.â
 âreally?â
 âyeah, i wonât like it. but iâd do it for you, like i said, youâre my best friend.â
 âare you okay? you look kind of zoned outâ fitz asks.
 i place my phone down on my desk, âyeah iâm fine. itâs justâŠnevermind.â
 âhey, come on. you can tell me.â
 âi just got a call from my friend spencer, we worked together back in quantico but he wasnât thrilled when i moved here and we never really kept up with texting or emails. i havenât heard his voice since i leftâŠi was just thinking about the day i told him i was leaving,â i drum my nails against my desk, âit was so long ago now, but it hurts like it was yesterday.â
 âsounds like you guys were close,â he comments carefully.
 âyeah, we were.â
 âso what did he want?â
 âumâŠhim and my other old colleagues, theyâre planning a surprise wedding for jj. sheâs my best friend, she works with them too.â
 âare you gonna go?â he pauses, trying to gauge my response, âi mean you havenât been back to virginia since you took the job.â
 i nod, âi know, i didnât even go to see emily when she came back to life,â i say, my voice mixed with bitterness and guilt.
 fitz reaches over and takes my hand, âand we prevented a potential biochemical attack that week, and a bomb in the subway the week after, and a potential hijacking the week after-â
 i roll my eyes lightly, âi get the point, fitz. weâre always busy saving lives, but i donât know if thatâs a good enough excuse for being such a shitty friend.â
 âthey work even crazier hours than us, i think theyâll understand,â he pauses, âi also think that youâre making excuses, and thereâs a different reason that you donât want to go.â
 âi thought i told you not to profile me.â
 âit doesnât take a profiler to figure out thereâs something going on, iâm willing to bet itâs the same reason you wanted to leave in the first place.â
 i smile sadly at him, âyou got me there, fitz. iâm in love with my best friend, but heâs in love with the bride, who happens to be my other best friend. only he isnât the groom.â
 i feel sick at the thought of watching spencer watch jj get married. he is exceptionally good at pretending to be happy, and iâm sure heâll have the others fooled. but none of them know that heâs in love with her, they donât know that his feelings evolved to anything beyond a silly, little crush.
 i feel sick at the thought of watching him slap a smile on his face, and shake willâs hand, and make a toast. i donât doubt that there will be a part of him that is happy for her; the thing about loving someone the way i love him and he loves her is that is that seeing them happy gives you this sickly, jittery, joy.
 it makes your heart race and your hands tremble, and it feels almost like happiness. but its sticky and catches in your throat like honey so you can barely choke out the words to convey how fucking happy you are for them. even honey attracts flies.
 âshit,â fitz says.
 âyeah, shit.â
 all honey, no glass.
 itâs jjâs wedding.
i wanted fitz to come with me but he couldnât get out of work, we were swamped at the moment, but heâs still insisted that i go. he drove me to the airport and practically forced me through security, and now i was standing in the kitchen of rossiâs mansion as emily refilled my wine.
i took a sip of it and smiled at her. she was the one good thing that had come out of this trip so far, i hadnât seen her since she came back from the dead and i had been so worried she would resent me for not coming to see her sooner.
but instead she offered to pick me up from the airport and let me stay with her for the weekend, she really was a good friend. i missed my old friends, and it was nice to see everyone again. but i was already exhausted from avoiding spencer and jj hadnât even arrived yet.
i was drinking my wine far too fast, relishing in the warm euphoria it granted me. it allows me to float through the rest of the evening, i help jj pin up her hair when her mom brings her own wedding dress for her to change into. i wipe her tears when she stares at herself in the mirror. i tell her she looks beautiful, and she really does.
i donât speak to spencer until the ceremony is about to begin, i squeeze in next to him and mumble my hellos. he doesnât respond and i know itâs because heâs focusing all of his energy on keeping himself together, i wrap my hand around his and squeeze it gently.
he has tears in his eyes when will and jj kiss, and so do i because i am watching him watch her and i can see his heart breaking with every micro expression. my heart aches for him because his world is falling apart in front of his eyes and he has to pretend to be happy about it.
when jj turns her head i see how widely she is grinning as she clings on to her new husband. spencer sees it too because something in him shifts and i see that sticky, artificial happiness bubble to the surface and before i know it he has dropped my hand and rushes to congratulate the happy couple.
i hang around emily and morgan for most of the night, she keeps my glass full and he doesnât tease me about my defecting to another division. i know they know something is going on, but they donât question me about it and i am so grateful for it.
i excuse myself from their company when i see spencer sitting slumped on the patio alone. heâs half hidden behind a pillar but i can see his feet sticking out so i shuffle over to him, my mind dizzy with wine as i take a seat beside him.
âhey.â
âhey.â
âare you alright?â i ask.
he nods stiffly, âfine, just tired â itâs been a busy week. how are things in new york?â
i sip my wine, âyeah not bad, just busyâŠâ i say, my voice trails off and i mentally kick myself for failing to think of a better word, âspencer, can i ask you something?â
âyeah,â he says flatly, âwhy not.â
âokayâŠâ his dulcet exterior makes me hesitate but i force myself to continue, because fitz told me to grow a backbone and i donât know when iâll get that chance again, âi was just wondering why you never called me, or texted, or emailed. we were best friends before i left and now you feel like a stranger to me.â
he shrugs and takes a swig of beer.
âis that all iâm gonna get? a shrug,â i scoff.
i know that heâs upset about jj, my heart is bleeding for him and i understand better than anyone how he is feeling. but even i can see that i deserve more than a shrug from him after a year of no communication.
âspencer, i know how youâre feeling but-â
âno you donât,â he snaps.
i bite my tongue.
âi want to be here for you spencer, but i canât do that if youâre going to be a mood-â
he titled his head to look at me, his eyes are dark and empty, âif you wanted to help me so badly then why did you leave?â
i open my mouth to speak but he raises a hand to silence me.
âyou want to know why i didnât call you?â he slurs, âbecause i was pissed at you, everyone was leaving and dying, and you left too. and then emily came back and everyone was acting like i was crazy for being so angry about it, and you werenât here,â his voice splits, âi know itâs not an excuse and iâm sorry if i upset you but not having you here just hurt so bad and somehow texting and phone calls made it hurt more.â
i pause, âare you trying to say you missed me so much that you couldnât call me?â
âlike i said, its not an excuse but-â
âno, it isnâtâ i spit.
iâve never been angry at him before because any of the hurt and heartbreak he inflicted on me was unintentional. but now something is burning in the pit of my stomach because he ghosted me for the best part of the year and the best excuse, he can come up with is that it hurt him too bad.
âhow do you think i felt spencer?â i hiss, âwhen i was all alone in another state and my best friend wouldnât return my calls? i spent so long feeling guilty for leaving you but you werenât alone. you still had everyone else, i was the one who was alone. you had jj and-â
his grip on his bottle tightened, âi didnât have her, she was lying to me about emily and then even when we made up from that things were never the sameâŠâ he holds his head in his hands, âiâm trying to be happy for her but it just hurts so muchâŠâ
he wipes his eyes, âiâm sorry, i should be asking you about new york, not making you listen to the same pathetic sob story that youâve heard a hundred time before.â
i wrap an arm around him, âspencer, trust me i know how much it hurts butâŠitâll get better, okay? one day youâll get over her, and you find some genius, scientist girlfriend who loves you back and then you wonât hurt anymore.â
âhow do you know?â he croaks.
i sigh, âbecause you might love jj but she just isnât right for you, but that doesnât mean you wonât find someone who-â
he shakes his head, ânot that, you keep saying you understand, and you know hoe much it hurts â but how do you know?â
his eyes are wide and teary, and he hiccups as he stares at me. i have to look away because the blood is pounding in my ears, i feel dizzy but its not just from the wine. weâre outside in the cool air but i feel like iâm burning up and i recoil away from him.
âspencer, thatâs not important-â
âyes, it is. i wanna know. i wanna know how you think you know how i feel to the extent you can give me advice-â
heâs drunk.
âand tell me its all going to be okay, but you donât know that! because how could you know what iâm feeling-â
heâs raising his voice now.
âspencer, you need to be quiet. someone will hear you-â
âi need to know what gives you the right to tell me that iâll find love when you donât even know what-â
âi know what it feels like because i am in love with you!â i finally snap, the words slip out before i can stop them and i slap my hands over my mouth, âoh godâŠi didnât mean to say thatâŠ.â
spencer is staring at me blankly, but slowly his stoic expression begins to melt into one of pity and sympathy. i can see his brain working overtime behind his beautiful honey and glass eyes, thinking of all the different ways he can let me down easy.
he opens his mouth.
âyou donât have to say anything,â i squeak, âi didnât mean to say thatâŠso stupidâŠcan we please just forget about it?â i plead.
âd-did you mean it? you love me?â
his pitiful stare burns through me and i canât stand it. i would rather have him glare at me with pure hatred in his eyes than this agonizing brand of sympathy, it makes me feel sick. my legs are shaking, my hands are shaking, my whole body is shaking and i realise itâs because my chest is racked with sobs.
i nod, âi-i mean it,â is all i manage to choke out.
his arms are wrapped around me, and in any other circumstance i would sink into them but now my body is rigid, and his embrace is suffocating. i canât breathe.
i canât breathe.
i canât breathe under the crushing impact of knowing that iâve fucked up a decade of friendship in less than five seconds because i couldnât keep my emotions under control.
âiâm so sorry, you know that i care so much about you,â he says softly, âbut i just donât see you in that way-â
âitâs fine spencer,â i sniffle, âyou donât need to tell me that, iâm already well aware of that fact,â my voice is laced with far more venom than i tend but in this moment i canât bring myself to care.
âhow long?â
iâm laughing through the tears, i donât know why because its not funny.
âten years, give or take.â
âoh.â
oh. thatâs all i get.
they say that when a burn is bad enough it incinerates the nerve endings, so you donât feel any pain. a burst of excruciating agony and then nothingness. thatâs how i feel, iâve spent years wallowing in my own heartbreak and now that iâve told him the truth, i just feel numb.
my sticky, sweet exterior is melting away with every passing second and pitiful glance and i donât think i want to see whatâs underneath. i push spencerâs arms off my body, and he doesnât protest.
i sneak through the double glass doors and into the kitchen, thatâs where the wine is. it warms my throat and my stomach, proving some solace from the deep-seated chill i feel in my bones.
the lights of the kitchen reflect off the glass so much that i canât see past the glare to tell if spencer is still there. i shuffle towards the doors and press my forehead against the cool glass. spencer is gone but i like the way the window feels against my skin.
its smooth, and hard, and cold.
when your world has fallen apart, anything can be a source of comfort. and i donât have anything left to give, so i close my eyes and rest against the chilled surface.
no honey, all glass.
the office is swarming with new recruits, theyâve descended on us like plagues of locusts and i am not in the mood for it. theyâre eager and naĂŻve as they attentively takes note of agent bishopâs words.
ââŠnow I donât want you to think that counter terrorism is all like what you see in the movies,â he drawls, âits not all action and defusing bombs, its patience and paperwork, careful observation and analysis â it takes more discipline to work in this division than any other in the bureau. its hard work, but itâs worth it as agents tell you,â he says, indicating towards fitz and myself.
he gives them a determined nod, i muster up a half-hearted shrug from my position leaning against the filing cabinet in the corner. iâm really not in the mood.
bishopâs phone chimes and his brow furrows ash his eyes scan the screen, âit is also unpredictable at times, so youâll have to excuse me. but i leave you in the capable hands of my two right hand agents, theyâll be more than happy to lead the rest of the seminar,â he gives us both a quick nod before he darts out of the room.
fitz moves to the center of the room, âwell, agent bishop had pretty much covered the lecture section of the session. next we are going to move onto some basic training scenarios, i will outline a situation and if you think have a strategy just shout it out, how does that sound?â
he is talking to the trainees but looking at me, he fidgets with his collar. heâs nervous, and heâs waiting for me to give him some reassurance. i force the corners of my lips to curl upwards, and it seems to give him enough confidence to continue.
he uses the remote to change the slides on the projector screen behind him and begins to list scenarios. the newbies are falling over themselves to catch his attention long enough for him to call on them. their enthusiasm and passion should inspire me, but it makes something in my stomach twist and thereâs sharp anger burning through my body.
theyâre all so fucking happy. so eager to see what their years at the bureau will bring them. all i got was heartbreak and rejection, but i donât think agent bishop would appreciate me saying that so i keep my lips tightly pressed together.
ââŠand then i would diffuse the bomb and-â
âyou would what?â i say.
the recruit shrinks back slightly when he feels my unwavering gaze shift to him.
âthe scenario agent fitz gave us involved an explosive device, so my strategy would be to diffuse the-â
âthatâs what the bomb squad is for, your job is to prevent the threat before it can occur, not to play around snipping wires!â
âi worked explosive ordinance disposal in the army, i would know what i was doing-â
âyou arenât in the army anymore,â i snap, âyouâre in the fbi now, and we donât have our agents running around like headless chickens during an active terrorist threat because we have rules and when you donât follow the, people get hurt!â
âbut what if the bomb squad canât get there? surely if he has experience-â the girl next to him tries to defend him but i hold up a hand to silence her.
i laugh sarcastically, âokay. let me tell you what, next time we have a terrorism threat involving explosives iâll tell the bomb squad that we donât need them because i have two rookie agents who want to do things their own way. anything youâd like me to tell your families after you blow yourselves up, likely taking dozens of civilians with you?â
when they donât answer me i give a smug smirk, âthatâs what i thought,â i look over to fitz and nod, âyouâll have to excuse me, theyâve rotted my brain enough for one day,â i say before sweeping out of the room.
âwhy is she so mean?â the female recruit asks when she thinks iâm out of earshot.
i can feel agent fitz hesitate and i donât blame him. i wouldnât know how to explain to a group of trainees that iâve been a complete bitch today because iâm bitter and heartbroken.
âshe isnât mean,â he says slowly, âsheâs hard on you because she wants you to learn; its life and death out in the field and you need to be ready for anything. thereâs no time for niceness and if youâre expecting that, then youâre probably in the wrong job.â
i appreciate his lie.
he makes me sound noble.
the trainees nod at his words, their eyes wide as they feed into the seamless bullshit. the stoic and honorable agent makes a better story than the resentful shrew.
i donât want to be this way. but spencerâs words echo in my head and the breath is knocked out of me every time i picture his face, i feel like iâm drowning. itâs a dull, crushing ache across my body, weighing my limbs down like thereâs lead in my veins.
i want to be honey; golden and sweet but iâm all angles and sharp edges. iâve broken like glass and itâs only a matter of time before i draw blood. itâs easy to push people away when theyâre scared of getting cut.
âare you okay?â
i jump as agent fitz creeps up behind me.
âsorry, i didnât mean to startle you. but you havenât been yourself and i just wanted to check-â
âare you scared of blood?â i ask.
âwhat?â
âblood. does it freak you out? make you feel faint?â
âno, iâm not scared of blood,â he says hesitantly.
i smile and for the first time in forever it doesnât feel forced, âgood.â
no honey, all glass.
itâs agent bishopâs retirement party.
i stand next to fitz, weâre in a circle with some of the other agents. i glug my wine as they converse, its dark and bitter and red.
âso, agent, you used to be a profiler down in quantico, didnât you?â someone asks.
i swallow my wine, âyes, i was. that was a while ago now though.â
âdo you miss it?â
i smile fondly, âevery day.â
âisnât profiling just pseudoscience?â someone snorts.
before i can even open my mouth to respond, fitz interjects, âactually the bau is one of the most successful departments in the bureau, they are responsible for saving hundreds of lives and allowing families to seek the justice they deserve.â
i nod appreciatively at him, âbehavioural science isnât empirical but more often than not we are right, like agent fitz said, we -they- are one of the most successful departments in the bureau,â i say, trying to fight the smirk creeping across my face.
âhow does profiling work, can you really catch someone based on the method of killing they chose?â someone gushes.
âyes, we can tell a lot from victimology, signatures, cause of death â itâs usually symbolic in some way of their motivation for killing, or metaphorical for a message that they want to send, youâd be surprised how much we can learn from details like that.â
âinteresting!â
âoh, thatâs cool.â
âi didnât know you guys did stuff like that, i might need to put in for a transfer!â
everyone laughs.
i give a half-hearted chuckle. all of my stories and experiences at the bau are tainted by him, i canât even make light conversation at a party without my body turning numb. every memory chips away at my heart, and itâs growing more and more hollow with every beat.
âi think you need another drink,â fitz whispers in my ear.
i allow him to take my hand and lead me into the kitchen, he tops up my wine, filling it more than he probably should. but i appreciate him for it, i think he can tell i need it.
âare you okay? you clammed up right after you finished talking about your time at the bau.â
âiâve told you before, donât profile me,â i say, my voice sharper than i intend it to be.
âiâm not. iâve just noticed than whenever you talk about your old job you get this look in your eyes, and you go all quiet and snap at everyone for the rest of the day.â
i drink a quarter of my wine in one gulp.
âthis is still about him isnât it?â
i shrug, âi thought iâd be over him by now butâŠâ my eyes start to prickle and i have to console myself with another mouthful of wine.
âbut?â he prompts.
âyou know how jj and i call each other every week.â
âyeah.â
âwell this week she told me that the rest of the team are starting to suspect spencer isâŠseeing someone. i donât know the whole story, jj didnât either. but apparently heâs been acting weird and making all these phone calls and i-â
i have to stop. i bite the inside of my cheek. he got over jj and i didnât even know. i wasnât even there, maybe if i hadnât leftâŠit hurt too much to consider the possibilities. and now thereâs another woman that i donât know anything about, at least when he was in love with jj i knew what aspects of myself to compare to her. now iâm jealous of a woman iâve never even met.
âdo you want to talk about it?â he offers kindly.
i shake my head.
ââŠcan i ask you something else?â
âshoot.â
he looks over his shoulder and i can see his jugular vein pulse in his neck, heâs nervous.
âearlier, when you were talking about how killers leave symbolic or metaphorical clues that helps you figure out their motivationâŠ.â
i motion for him to continue.
âis that true for normal people too?â
âwhat do you mean?â
he runs a hand through his hair, âsay you have a friend, and they as you a weird question, but itâs so out of the blue you it canât be literal, that there has to be a deeper meaning behind it. if their question is symbolic for something else, could that indicate what their intentions are?â
he avoids eye contact with me.
âwhatâs this about?â
ân-nothing, nevermind. it was a stupid question anywaysâŠâ he mumbles, grabbing his beer and shuffling past me.
âfitz, come back!â i call after him, âfitz!â
heâs already gone. and i donât have the energy to go after him. i huff and lean back against the counter, swirling around the wine in my glass before i raise it to my lips.
my hand slips, and the wine glass tumbles to the ground before shattering against the white kitchen tiles.
âfuck!â
i rake around a couple of drawers, searching for a dish towel to mop up the mess. eventually i find one and bend down to clean up the wine; the red is stark, splattered against the shiny white background.
it looks like...
âare you scared of blood?â
the words of my own cryptic question echo in my head and something clicks.
fitz.
i use a towel to scoop up the shards of glass and absorb the wine, i toss it in the sink and dash out of the kitchen in search of fitz. i spot the back of his head through a window and follow him out to the balcony, its lit by twinkly fairy lights.
âwhy are you out here? itâs cold,â i say, my teeth chattering slightly as i fold my arms across my chest.
i linger by the door, hoping to cling onto some of the warmth radiating outwards. but when fitz doesnât answer, or even look up i huff and close the door behind me, shuffling over to him.
âwere you asking me that stuff about metaphors and symbolism because of what i said to you about blood?â
he looks up at me but still doesnât speak.
âfitz that was months ago, and i didnât even mean anything by it so i donât know why youâre reading so far into it,â i shiver, âcan you just tell me whatâs going on with you so we can go back inside?â
âwhatâs wrong with me,â he snorts.
âyes, because youâre acting really weird-â
âiâm not the one who is acting weird, ever since you came back from your friendâs wedding youâve been like a totally different person, and then you ask me if iâm scared of blood out of fucking nowhere. what am i supposed to make of that?â
iâm taken aback from his sudden outburst, fitz is usually calm and good natured, âwhy are you yelling?â i snap.
âbecause i donât know what else to do, iâve tried to be a supportive friend but youâre acting totally out of character, the new recruits call you medusa because youâre so harsh on them. if this has something to do with spen-â
âi said i donât want to talk about him!â
âwell iâm not giving you the choice anymore, iâm sorry if youâre heartbroken over him, but youâre killing yourself trying to love him. do you think i donât notice how exhausted you are? youâre working at least 30 extra hours a week and i can only assume thatâs some kind of coping mechanism, and now iâm worried youâre hurting yourself-â
i squint at him, âyou think thatâs what i meant when i asked you about the blood?â
he nods, âwell, yeah. i didnât think you were killing people but youâre obviously angry and sad and i figured you might have needed an outlet for that-â
âyeah, i do, itâs called kickboxing fitz! i beat the shit out of a punchbag three times a week, the blood thing wasâŠâ i groan and sit down on the bench, âyouâre right, i did change after jjâs wedding because i was scared of feeling hurt like that again so i thought if i toughened up and stopped being so nice and sweet then people wouldnât be able to hurt me anymore, butâŠâ
âbut?â
âbut then i realised that by being so sharp and harsh all the time then people wouldnât want to be around me and i would be hurt all over again, and i just thought that if i made sure you would always stand by me then iâd be okay.â
he looks up, his eyebrows slightly less furrowed than before, âso, the blood thing was a metaphor for me always being on your side? cosâ if it is you donât even have to worry about that, of course iâll-â
i throw my arms around him and he squeezes me tightly in return, burying my face in his chest i blink back tears because the reassurance from my new best friend lifts a weight from my shoulders. but itâs a bittersweet feeling because i know he accepts it, but he doesnât understand it; with spencer i never wouldâve had to explain my enigmatic words.
with spencer i never even wouldâve had to say them because he would just know. fitz is great and we make such an efficient team because we move in tandem like magnets; i move, he moves, but weâre always one behind the other. with spencer we were in sync like planets circling the sun, pulled together by an intangible force strong enough to construct a universe. at least thatâs how it felt.
with spencer, we were in sync until we werenât.
no honey, all glass.
i know that spencer and i are out of sync because when he comes to the city to deliver a guest lecture at nyu, he doesnât even tell me.
fitz does.
he brings it up to me hesitantly after a meeting one day. since agent bishop retired, he is the new head of the counter terrorism division, and iâve been promoted to his old job. we have tactical meetings every week with the heads of the three field offices in the state of new york to discuss any potential threat.
this weekâs meeting was particularly taxing so when everyone leaves the conference room i just want to go for my lunch break, but fitz stops me to ask if i was aware spencer was in the city.
âno,â i say through gritted teeth, âi wasnât, how do you know?â
he busies himself with some files, âiâve been monitoring the movements of all agents coing in and out of the city-â
âwhy? do you think somethings wrong?â
he hesitates and loosens his tie, âi donât know yetâŠiâm working on it, but i noticed that dr reid had a scheduled visit.â
âoh,â i say and try to force myself to wait an acceptable amount of time before questioning, âwhatâs he here for?â
my voice comes out dry and croaky despite my best efforts to appear unbothered, fitz ignores it and carries on as though nothing had happened.
âheâs giving a guest lecture to a criminology class at nyu, something about profilingâŠi donât know,â he looks at his watch, âif you left now you could make it in time, professor van der woodson is a friend of mine, show her your creds and sheâd let you sit in.â
iâm pulling on my coat before fitz has finished speaking, âwaitâŠwe have that meeting with that financial analyst today, he said heâd found a suspicious pattern of payments that could indicate a-â
fitz waves me off, âi got it, you go.â
i smile at him appreciatively before grabbing my bag and dashing out the door. itâs pouring with rain and it takes me forever to hail a cab, i sit in the back seat wringing out my hair with my scarf as we wait behind an immovable wall of traffic.
the cab crawls along the grid locked streets as i check my watch every two seconds, time is moving at half speed. by the time the driver pulls up outside  by by the time the driver pulls ups at nyu iâm sure spencerâs lecture will already be over.  i huff and trudge inside the building anyway, iâm chilled to the bone as i a buy myself a coffee from the cafe and find an empty seat to perch on.
i drum my fingers against the table as i sip the scorching hot coffee, i donât really know what iâm expecting to happen. i havenât seen or spoken to spencer since jjâs wedding, and at whisper of him being in the city iâve spent the best part of an hour in the back of a taxi to see him. now that iâm here, iâm not sure that i want to see him.
classes are beginning to finish and the entrance hall floods with students, the volume level increases tenfold and i donât want to be here anymore. i grab my coffee in my hand and make my way back to the front entrance when i hear a familiar voice call my name. i turn my head and i see him, he raises an eyebrow at me and begins fighting his way through the sea of students.
i freeze.
heâs getting closer with every second.
i donât want to be here.
i donât want to do this.
i donât want to see him.
i turn on my heel and i powerwalk, the front door his jammed with students and if i take that route iâll get suck and heâll catch up to me. i spy a doorway to my left and dart towards it, breathing in a sigh of relief when i push through it and find an abandoned corridor. Â
âwait!â
spencer is still in pursuit. i groan but pause in my tracks as i turn around to face him.
âare you running away from me?â
i fold my arms over my chest, âno.â
âreally? because thatâs what it looked like.â
âiâve told you before to wear your glasses, if you donât then-â
âiâm wearing contacts,â he says softly as he takes a step towards me, âi can see perfectly clearly and youâre running away.â
he reaches out an arm to touch my shoulder but i flinch away, he look of hurt that spreads across his face would be enough to break my heart if he hadnât already shattered it.
he swallows and pulls on the cuffs of his blazer, i can tell that iâve upset him but i donât have the words to console him. this had been a horrible mistake. iâd dreamt of seeing him again every night since the wedding, i ran over and over again in my head what i would say and do. i never imagined that iâd be soaked to the skin and standing in front of him in a corridor lit by flickering, fluorescent lights.
âokay, so i ran away, so what?â
spencer shakes his head, âdo i really make you that uncomfortable? your body language is closed off, you keep looking at the door and tapping your footâŠyou really donât want to see meâŠso why are you here?â
i have to look away from him, âi made a mistake coming here, i donât want to see you.â
âis this about what happened at jjâs wed-â
i hold up a hand to cut him off, âplease donât,â i screw my eyes shut, âiâve had to relive that moment enough in my nightmares, i donât want to do it again for real.â
âiâm sorry, i never wanted go hurt you. i just donât fee-â
âyou donât feel that way, i get it spencer. its fine,â i look at my watch, âthereâs a meeting that i really should be atâŠiâm sorry spencer this was a mistake, please can we just forget about this-â
âdo you still love me?â he asks quietly.
i laugh.
âwhatâs so funny?â
âwell, it isnât funny i suppose,â i say bitterly, âit just makes me laugh that you think i could ever stop.â
âsoâŠthatâs a yes?â
âof course itâs a yes!â i look at my feet as i speak because i donât want to see whatever pitiful look heâs giving me, âyouâre my first love spencer reid, iâm always going to love you.â
i take a shaky breath and look up to the ceiling, trying to hold back my tears.
he stares at me sadly, and i know iâve really fucked things up between us when even dr spencer reid canât think of something to say. thereâs a stagnant awkwardness and i want nothing more than to be hiding under my duvet, but this might be my only chance to get everything off my chest.
âi will always love you spencer, but iâm not in love with you anymore.â
âthereâs a difference?â he says with a hint of ice in his voice that makes me flinch.
âof course there is, i love you but itâs not the same suffocating and overwhelming love i felt for you years ago. i love you but i donât want to burst into tears whenever i see you glance at jj. i love you but iâm free from hating myself and wondering why i could never be good enough for you,â i donât even try to hide the tears now, âspencer i used to love you so much that i couldnât breathe, but now i can breathe on my own.â
âiâm sorry,â his voice cracks, âi didnât knowâŠi didnât know i made you feel that way, if i had then iâd have-â
âyou wouldnât have done anything spencer because you didnât feel the same, and thatâs okay. you wouldâve just avoided me and given me the same pitiful look youâre giving me right now which i canât fucking stand.â
i sniffle and run a hand through my hair, âi wanted to be there for you spencer, i thought you deserved someone that loves you like you love jj, and you still do. but i canât be that person anymore, i love you spencer but you arenât healthy for me.â
âi never asked you to do that for me.â
ânot in so many words, but when you would show up at my apartment crying over jj or emily or tobias hankel or your motherâŠit didnât take a profiler to figure out that you needed someone, and i loved you so much i was willing to put your needs above my own.â
he looks at his feet.
âi donât blame you for that spencer, i didnât value myself very much back then and i thought that loving you was the most important job in the world,â i tug at the sleeves of my sweater, âbut now i know that loving myself is the only thing that matters.â
he doesnât say anything, he just shuffles towards and me envelops my body in a gentle embrace. iâm crying into his chest and judging by his sniffles and shaky breaths, heâs crying too. he holds me tentatively like he heâs scared iâll shatter in his arms if he squeezes too tight.
i realise he still sees me as fragile and brittle.
no honey, all glass.
iâm finally beginning to feel like my life is coming together.
today felt like a good day.
i woke up before my alarm, had time to make myself a decent breakfast, and didnât have to sprint to catch the subway. i got to work early and the coffee machine i had ordered had arrived, i made myself a cup of steaming coffee as i relaxed behind my desk and checked my emails. i had a light day ahead of me and thankfully no meetings.
today felt like a good day until fitz burst into my office as half past eight and slammed the door behind him.
i leapt to my feet, immediately expecting the worst, âwhatâs going on? is there a bomb? hijacking? what is it?â
he waves me off, âno, nothing like that,â his eyes dart between me and windows that look out over the rest of the office, he pulls down the blinds and shuffles over to my desk, âdo you remember a few months ago i said that i had been monitoring the movements of agents in and out of the city?â
âhow could i forget?â i say bitterly as i am reminded of the painful encounter i had with spencer, âwhat does that have to do with anything?â
he swallows and sits down in the chair across from my desk, âi noticed that a few of our confidential code names for active and inactive investigations were cropping up in a few of the internet servers that we monitor, so-â
âso, you were tracking the movement of agents because you suspect a mole,â i finish for him.
he nods, âat first they were names of investigations that were well known within the bureau or easy to access with a low security clearance, so it couldâve been anyone, but iâve been supplying different code names for made up investigations to different divisions across the bureauâŠ.â
âand youâve seen those names continuing to appear in the servers,â i run my hand through my hair, âfuck, this is bad. does internal affairs know?â
he rests his head in his hands, âitâs worse than bad, because i kept a record of which names i gave to which departments because they were all unique, and the names that came up in the servers were only given to our division.â
my heart skips a beat. he was right, this was worse than just bad. this could be catastrophic, other departments in the bureau could gain access to some of our more low-level investigations. but only members of the counter terrorist division had access to the most potent and prolific threats, if we had a mole in our department then we could be looking at disaster of epic proportions.
i collapse into my own chair, âd-do you have any idea who it is?â
he shakes his head, âno, iâve been nagging the director about it for months but i never got a proper response until this morning, heâs sending a team to conduct an internal investigationâŠâ he looks up at me, his eyes filled with worry and pity.
i realise what he is too afraid to say.
âyouâve got to be fucking kidding me.â
âiâm sorry, i thought they would just send someone from internal affairs, but the director feels that for someone to infiltrate our department then they must be highly trained and-â
âits fine, i get it, catching the mole is the most important thing right now,â i drum my nails against my desk, âthat doesnât mean iâm overjoyed at the thought of my old team crawling about the place and questioning our every decision.â
fitz reaches across my desk and squeezes my hand, âitâll be okay, theyâll clear you right away and then you can get on with work, you donât have to spend anymore time with them than necessary.â
âyou mean anymore time with him than necessary,â i gulp my coffee and i donât even flinch when it burns my throat, âwhen are they arriving?â
âan hour or so, theyâre already on their way here and itâs a short flight,â he sighs, âit will just depend on how much traffic they hit on their way over, but weâre-â
âclose to the airport, i know,â i bite my lip, âwhat do we tell everyone, theyâre gonna start arriving soon,â i say, pulling up my sleeve to look at my watch.
its nearer nine now, and the office will start filling up soon with agents ready to start their day. thereâs over a hundred agents in the counter terrorism division alone, and one of the is a traitor.
âdirector says we have to continue as normal until the bau team get here and theyâll decide the best course of action to take-â
i grip the edge of my desk, âso we just let them waltz in here and take over? those are our people down there, they donât know them-â
âhey, its gonna be okay. you trust these guys, donât you?â
i nod.
âso theyâre going to find out who the mole is, and theyâre not going to arrest anyone who isnât guilty, theyâre good at what they do.â
i let out a deep breath, âi know, i know. its justâŠiâve been apart of these interrogations before, they ask you about everything and anything and analyze your every movement and micro expression, theyâre going to question every decision we have ever made, professionally and personally. this is going to be an exhausting day,â i groan.
today felt like such a good day when i woke up, and now i was facing a waking nightmare.
fitz had gone back to his own office, like he said we needed to act like it was business as usual until the bau arrived. i had rolled my blinds back up and kept an anxious eye on the double glass doors that served as a main entrance to the bullpen.
iâd had an hour to try and prepare myself, to slow my heart rate and pull myself together enough to deal with my team of ex coworkers flying in to pick apart my department.
despite the hour i had to prepare myself, my legs turn to jelly when i see the elevator doors glide open and agent hotchner step out. fitz taps on my window as he passes my office on his way to greet them and i begrudgingly follow him out.
âagent hotchner,â he says, reaching out his hand, âthank you very much for coming on such short notice.â
hotch is stony faced as ever and gives him a brisk nod, âof course, have you told any of your agents about the situation?â
âjust me,â i say, âno one else knows, but your presence here wonât go unnoticed for long,â i motion back through the double glass doors where some of the agents are already beginning to strain their necks to see who fitz and i are talking to.
âwe brought our technical analyst, penelope garcia along, we might need access to computers and phones. do you have somewhere she can set up?â
fitz nods, âthe conference room is just next to my office, youâll have plenty of space and privacy in there for you all, iâll show you the uo now if youâd like to follow me,â he says, motioning towards the door.
hotch nods, he and the rest of the team follow fitz through the bullpen and into the conference room. they mumble their hellos to me as they pass me but i know they can tell from my tightly folded arms and clenched jaw that i donât want them here.
i tag along after them, behind a woman with dark hair that i donât recognize, after i introduce myself she identifies herself as a dr alex blake.
âso you used to work with the bau?â she asks as we make our way up to the conference room, âhotch said you were a good agent, itâs nice to get the chance to meet you.â
i nod, âyeah, i transferred here a few years ago, itâs niceâŠto see everyone again,â i force a smile as i hold the door open for her.
âoh, thank you.â
i glance out the bullpen and see dozens of confused faces staring back at me. i close the door. the team have already settled themselves around the table, hotch, rossi, morgan, garcia, jj, blake and finally spencer. i avoid eye contact with him.
âso what are you going to tell people?â fitz asks, âsurely if you announce that you think thereâs a mole then whoever it is will just run?â
morgan nods gravely, âthat is a concern, can you account that all of your agents arrived this morning?â
âlopez and mccall are out on assignment,â i say, âeveryone else is here, either at their desks or somewhere on the floor.â
âany concerns about lopez and mccall?â hotch asks, âreprimands, hr complaints-â
âi know what to look for,â i say icily, âand no. theyâre both stand up agents, theyâve saved both of our lives countless times,â i motion between fitz and i.
he nods, âsheâs right. iâve suspected a mole for months, so iâve only been putting the agents iâd trust with my life out on assignment.â
hotch nods and makes some notes on the papers he is holding, âokay thatâs good enough for me, like you said it is a concern that revealing our true purpose here could cause our mole to panic and we donât want him to hurt himself or any of your agents.â
right, because a shoot out would just be the cherry on top of my day.
âour plan is to say that we have evidence to suggest the mole is in a different department, but the interviews we are carrying out here are just formality, weâll ask inconspicuous questions and rely on behavioural cues,â morgan explains.
i raise an eyebrow, âand you really think thatâll work?â
âit has to,â jj whispers.
âokay,â i say, âi assume youâre going to want to interrogate fitz and i as well?â
âinterview, not interrogate,â rossi says, âi will talk with agent fitz and dr blake will interview youâŠwe felt that would be best since you never met during your time with us, that way there will be no bias or-â
âokay, i get the point. my office is next door, dr blake is welcome in there whenever she is ready to conduct our interview.â
before anyone can object iâve already swept out of the room, into my office and slammed my door behind me. iâm sure they can hear it bang in the conference room. i know theyâre just trying to do their job, and i feel pretty sure that they donât suspect me. but iâm not in the mood to have my life picked apart by a profiler, especially one i donât know.
itâs a few hours later when dr blake knocks on my door, when she comes in i motion for her to take a seat across from me. i offer her a cup of coffee but she politely refuses.
âno thank you, i donât think this will take very long and i have quite a few interviews left after youâŠ.â
âof course,â i say, âiâm ready whenever you are.â
blake nods and presses the audio record button on her phone, âi already have the basics, your name, age et cetera confirmed by agent hotchner and fitz, so i just have a couple of quick questions. when did you transfer to the counter terrorism division?â
âthree years ago.â
âand how long have you been in your role as assistant unit chief to agent fitz?â
âabout a year and a half, he took over as unit chief when agent bishop retired and i was promoted to his previous role.â
blake nods, âokay, excellent. why did you choose to transfer from the bau to the counter terrorism division?â
i donât think there are enough hours in the day to explain that properly, is what i want to say to dr blake. i left because of a bitter concoction of unrequited love and self-hatred, is what i want to say to dr blake. but instead i force a smile.
âi had been with the bau for a very long time and i felt it was time for a change of pace, i-â
the door swings open, cutting me off mid-sentence. iâm ready snap at whichever one of my agents is stupid enough to interrupt, but when i look up all i see are the cold and hard eyes of spencer reid staring back at me.
âreid, is there a problem?â blake asks.
âno, i was just hoping to sit in on this interview,â he says, never breaking eye contact with me.
âoh, spencer i donât think thatâs appropriate, you two were friends-â
âitâs fine he can stay. pull up a chair, reid.â
âiâll stand.â
âfine.â
iâm grateful when dr blake doesnât comment on the obvious tension between us. spencer sulks over to my desk, he stands slightly behind blake and leans against the wall. his arms are folded tight across his body, his jaw is clenches, his brows are furrowed; itâs like looking at myself in the mirror.
spencer reid doesnât want to be here either.
âright,â blake says slowly, âyou were just telling me why you transferred to the counter terrorism division, please continue.â
i tear my gaze away from spencer, âyes, of course. like i was saying i felt i had been with the bau so long and i just wanted a change of scenery, when agent fitz offered me the job i thought it would be a perfect opportunity to go somewhere i could really thrive and make a difference.â
spencer makes a face and i ignore him.
blake smiles and nods, âwell it sounds like youâve done just that, agent fitz speaks very highly of you.â
âwhatâs your relationship with agent fitz?â spencer interjects.
âdr reid, i think it would be best if i ask the-â
âheâs my boss, and heâs my friend. probably my closest friend here.â
âhmm.â
âwhat?â
spencer shrugs, âsome of the other agents iâve interviewed reported that you two have a very close relationship, and he offered you this job before he was unit chief. hiring agents wasnât part of his job description.â
âthis supposed to be an interview, none of those were questions.â
âi guess iâm just wondering why he offered you this job in the first place, and why he chose to promote you to assistant unit chief when there are dozens of other agents in this office who have been here longer than you.â
âmaybe you should be asking agent fitz those questions, not me.â
âoh i intent to.â
âdo you really think iâm the mole?â i spit.
âi donât know, but jj says youâve been dodging her calls, not answering her textsâŠand i know from experience how much you hate that. not to mention you just lied straight to dr blakeâs face, so iâd say youâre not looking as innocent as hotch and fitz think you are.â
âwhat is he talking about?â
the anger is burning through my bloodstream. the bitter and cold spencer reid standing in front of me is not the man i left in virgina all those years ago. heâs not even the same man i met at nyu even a few months ago, something about him is different.
âi think heâs referring to when i told you that i transferred because i wanted a change of scene, spencer has always believed there is a bigger conspiracy behind why i left.â
he snorts.
âsomething funny?â
âwell itâs only a conspiracy if itâs not true.â
âthat is the truth,â i say though gritted teeth, my nails dig into the palms of my hands as i clench my fists.
âpart of it maybe, why donât you tell dr blake why you really left?â
âspencer, i think thatâs enough. i knew this wouldnât be appropriate-â
âwhat happened to you spencer? youâre acting like a totally different person, refusing to sit down, snapping at me, speaking to me like iâm an unsub â youâve changed.â
âmaybe iâm taking after you,â he shrugs, âjj says that youâre different too now, she says youâre irritable and-â
i laugh, âshe said that? do you two have little catch-ups where you can discuss how rude and bitchy i am now?â
âiâm sure they donât-â dr blake begins.
âno, we do. jj doesnât like it when you donât call her back, she was upset-â
âright, because everything comes back to jj with you doesnât it.â
he pauses and i see a hint of emotion flash through his eyes, iâve touched a nerve there.
ânot anymore,â he says, his voice barely above a whisper.
âright, youâre not in love with her anymore, she mentioned you had a new girlfriend.â
blakeâs eyes flicker between reid and i, âwe really should get back on track-â
âyeah, not anymore with that either.â
i roll my eyes, âspencer, i donât care about your relationship status anymore. i know you remember what i said to you at nyu, so i know that you know i donât feel that way about you anymore,â i donât even care the blake is in the room with us anymore, âiâm not in love with you, so if youâre trying to make me jealous with your little girlfriend in the hopes that iâll get upset and reveal something then youâre barking up the wrong tree, iâm not the mole. i donât have anything to hide.â
âiâm not trying to make you jealous,â he croaks, âeven if i wanted to i couldnât, because sheâs dead.â
oh. so thatâs why he was acting so out of character.
âwhat happened?â
âstalker, shot herself and maeve right in front of me.â
maeve. what a pretty name, the mystery woman iâd been so desperate to know about when jj first mentioned her on the phone. that was so long ago now, i hadnât felt jealous of her in a long time. i was grateful for that, i didnât want to be jealous of a dead woman.
i hadnât lied to spencer when i said i wasnât in love with him anymore. i would always have a soft spot for him in my heart, but i wasnât in love with him. iâd been slowly piecing myself back together for the past year and a half, as my feelings for spencer faded i felt better, and stronger.
i felt more confident than i had in a long time, because i wasnât constantly competing for his attention or comparing myself to the women he preferred. i once felt like spencer and i were tied together like planets orbiting the sun, but that was never a true representation of our relationship because he was my sun, the light and center of my life.
and to him i was just one of many trapped in his orbit. i let my love for him burn and keep me warm for years, but you can have too much of a good thing i was blinded by that love. eventually, you have to learn to keep yourself warm. eventually the eclipse will pass.
âwhen?â
âa couple of months ago.â
i sigh and lean back in my chair, âwhy are you telling me this spencer?â
spencer isnât look at me anymore and for once i donât mind.
âalex, could you give us a minute?â he asks, she hesitates for a moment, âplease.â
eventually she nods, gets up and leaves. spencer takes her seat.
i pick at my nails, âso now you want to sit down, huh?â
âdonât be like that.â
âoh iâm sorry, have i been rude to you?â i scoff, âare you not the one who has been unprofessional and-â
âi shouldnât need to be professional with my friends!â
âare we even friends anymore, spencer?â
he shrugs and looks down at his lap. i see the dark circles rimming his eyes, the hollowness in his face, the tangles in his hair. he looks rough. his chapped lips, his pale skin, his bruised knuckles, he looks ill.
âwhy did you barge into my interview? blake wasnât going to ask me anything you didnât already know the answer to.â
âi wanted to see if youâd about your transfer, and you did-â
âspencer, i donât know why you have this fixation on why i left, but if you want me to say it so badly then fine. i left because of you, is that what you wanted to hear? are you happy now?â
i wait for the tears to well up in my eyes but they donât come. i canât tell if thatâs a good thing or not.
âdo you think i would be happy about you leaving because of me?â his voice cracks, âi learned recently what rejection can do to a person, i guess i wanted to see if-â
âif what? your rejection drove me to become a terrorist?â i snort, âjesus fucking christ spencer, iâd have hoped you had more faith in me than that.â
my heart begins to soften when i see the tears in his eyes. that fucking soft spot.
âwith maeveâŠâ tears begin to stream down his face and itâs several minutes before he can bring himself to speak, âmaeve rejected a phd studentâs thesis, and it drove her crazy. she stalked, kidnapped and eventually killed them both, and that was just a thesis rejection.â
he holds his head and his hands and cries, i stand up from my chair and shuffle round the desk, bending down i wrap my arms around him.
âiâm not a profiler anymore, but youâre upset and i think youâre projecting your feelings about maeveâs death onto me.â
he shakes his head, âshe was the love of my life, i wanted to spend forever with her and sheâs gone. iâm not upset, iâm devastated,â i wipe the tears streaming down his skeletal cheeks, âand i am projecting my feelings, but not about this.â
âspencer, i-â
âno, let me finish, please,â he whimpers, âiâve been thinking about you, even before maeve died, since that day at nyu and i donât think iâve been a good friend to you, i shouldâve noticed your feelings sooner. and i shouldnât have made you listen to my feelings about jj all those years, it wasnât fair-â
âyou donât need to apologise, you didnât know-â
âbut i shouldâve! you were right in front of my nose and i never noticed,â he looks up at me with his tear-filled eyes, âi think i couldâve learned to love you, if iâd had the chance.â
my blood runs cold and i drop my arms from their embrace around him, slowly backing away, âlearned to love me?â i repeat, âi donât want you to have to have force yourself to love me, who would want that?â
âwait, no iâm sorry. i just meant that-â
âiâm finally over you spencer,â i cry, âi spent years putting back together what you broke, and now you come to my job and tell me that you couldâve learned to love me? no. thatâs not fair spencer, i deserve someone who loves me without having to try, i donât need your pity or your fake love.â
i turn on my heel and storm towards the door, spencer leaps to his feet and follows me, crying out his apologies the whole way. i ignore him, because what else does he expect me to say?
iâve worked so hard to put my life back together, and now he wants to shatter me like glass over again? he wants to sit in front of me, in my fucking office, and tell me that if heâd profiled me a little bit harder then we could be together right now?
i think i couldâve learned to love you. Â
somehow the words hurt more than his rejection.
i swing open my door, hotch is standing in the doorway.
âwe got the mole.â
âwho was it?â spencer asks, evidently having pulled himself together long enough respond to hotch.
âan agent jermey cole,â hotch says hesitantly, his eyes flickering between us, âwere you two close?â
ânot anymore,â i say, mocking spencerâs earlier words as i shoot a glare back at him, âwe only dated for a few months, i broke up with him when he started acting strange...â
âstrange how?â hotch questions.
âweird phone calls in the middle of the night, hiding his texts from me, coming home lateâŠgod i was so stupid. i thought he was cheating on me.â
 hotch places a reassuring hand on my shoulder, âitâs not your fault, that was a far more reasonable assumption than guessing he was part of a terrorist cell. but we caught him before he could do any real damage, i have to go and call the director. i was just coming to tell reid weâre heading back to the jet now.â
hotch nods at spencer and walks away, pulling his phone from his pocket as he enters fitzâs office.
âi didnât know you were dating anyone,â spencer whispered.
âyeah,â i spit, âguess you could say i was learning to love him.â
i leave spencer standing in the doorway to my office.
i think i couldâve learned to love you.
his words sting, and they definitely make me angry. but thereâs a satisfaction in knowing that they donât make me fall apart. i love spencer, but iâm not in love with him, and this erases any doubts i had about that fact. had he said those words to me a year ago, iâd have been crumbling to pieces in his arms.
but now i feel like honey and glass.
itâs been two years since i saw spencer.
itâs been two years since i saw anyone on the team, jj sends me pictures of the boys sometimes, but even we arenât the same as we used to be. and i think iâm okay with that.
fitz and i make a good team, we run the counter terrorism division like well oiled machine and people donât die. heâs my best friend now, and i donât need anyone else.
not in my personal life at least. but professionally, weâre at a dead end on this case and if we donât act now then people will die. fitz and i only work so well as a team because we know when to make the hard calls.
for me, the hardest call was when i had to pick up my phone and ask agent hotchner for his help tracking down a serial bomber who was targeting busy tourist spots around the city.
itâs been two, peaceful years since i saw anyone from the bau, and now theyâre standing next to me, clad in bullet proof vests and surrounded by s.w.a.t agents as we approach grand central station, one of the most frequented areas in the city.
this was his endgame.
the n.y.p.d are working on evacuating the station, and all incoming trains have been rerouted. the bomb squad are getting anxious, they donât like waiting around like this, but there isnât much they can do when the unsub has the bomb strapped to his chest.
fitz is trying to talk him down, but i can see the unsub getting angrier and angrier with every second, heâs going to blow us all up.
âwe need to do something,â i hiss to hotch.
weâre standing at the very edge of the station by the entrances, ready to sprint out if he decides to detonate. only i canât leave fitz, i didnât want to let him to go and talk to the bomber and i tried to fight my way towards them but hotch told me i could either stay with him and follow his orders or i could go back to headquarters. i begrudgingly chose the former.
âwell we canât shoot him, he has a manual and biomechanical trigger â if the heart rate monitor detects that his has heart stops beating the bomb will arm automatically, our only chance is if fitz can talk him down.â
i tap my foot, âhe shouldnât even be the one negotiating, he has a wife now and a kid on the way, if he dies that baby is gonna grow up without a dad,â I clench my fists so hard my nails dig into my palms and draw blood, âif i die, the only person iâm going to hurt is myself, but iâll be dead so it wonât matter.â
âi canât let you go over there-â hotch begins.
i look over at fitz, standing several feet away from the bomber with his hands in the air. i imagine telling his wife that her husband has been blown to pieces, i imagine her going through labour alone, i imagine his kid growing up and asking why everyone has a daddy apart from them.
âno you canât, but you also canât stop me,â i say, shoving my gun back into its holster and taking my first few steps towards the unsub.
hotch is hissing something at me but i donât hear him because everything happens so fast after that. something in the unsubs body language shifts, and before i know it iâm being blown backwards by a searing hot force.
every window in the building shatters, and i land in a pile of glass, the shards tearing at my skin as a try and push myself to my feet. my head is aching, and everything blurs in front of me, but i can tell from the acrid smell and orange glow that half the building is on fire. i pat myself down, searching for any pieces of shrapnel or glass embedded in my body, i donât feel penetrating wounds but when i hold my hands up above my face my fingers are slick with blood.
my vision is so blurry, and i canât hear a thing over the ringing in my ears. spencerâs face appears in front of my eyes, his lips are moving but i still canât hear a word. the ringing is overwhelming and black spots are beginning to appear across my vision.
i want to go to sleep.
my eyes flutter shut.
i think someone is shaking me.
the ringing is too much.
when i begin to float back to consciousness, the ringing is gone and is replaced with a consistent beeping. my body is aching, and i groan as i try and sit myself up because my arms donât want to cooperate with me. when i look down i see theyâre wrapped up tightly in bandages.
âhey, donât try and move yet,â a voice says, âyou have a concussion, the doctor says youâll be okay but groggy for a while.â
the voice shifts into view, its spencer. his face is twisted with worry and heâs biting at his nail, âhow do you feel?â
âlike i was hit by a train,â i cough, âwhat happened?â
his face drops, âyou donât remember?â
i try to shake my head but it hurts to try and move, âbits and pieces, did n.y.p.d get everyone out?â
he nods, âyeah, your team did a good job,â he shifts towards me and takes a seat on the bed next to me, âbut thereâs something else-â
âgod, my head really hurts, can they give me any pain meds?â
âyeah, iâm sure they can, iâll ask a nurse in a minute,â he says softly, âbut i have some bad newsâŠitâs agent fitz-â
âno. no, no, no,â the tears start to burn in my eyes and my vision is blurrier than it was immediately after the explosion, âdonât say it, please donât say it,â i plead.
he takes my hand, âokay, i wonât.â
the tears are streaming down my face i canât bring myself to wipe them away, my body aches as itâs racked with sobs. spencer doesnât say anything, he just squeezes my hand and takes out a handkerchief to dry away my tears.
âd-does his wife know?â i finally manage to choke out.
âyeah, hotch spoke to her.â
gemma was a lovely woman, i donât know how i can face her again when the guilt flooding my body tells me that this is my fault. fitz is dead, and it shouldâve been me.
âthis isnât fair,â i croak.
âi know, itâs never fair. but he saved so many people-â
âno. i mean itâs not fucking fair because he never shouldâve been in that position in the first place, if iâd just gotten there sooner then he never wouldâve tried to negotiate, it shouldâve been me.â
through my own tears i think i see spencerâs eyes turn red and glassy, he shakes his head and grips onto my hand so tightly it hurts, if i had the energy iâd tell him to loosen his grip but i canât make myself speak.
âi know what its like to have someone you love die right in front of you,â he says, and from the pain in his voice i know he isnât lying and i know heâs talking about maeve, âi know what its like to feel that guilt and wish it was you instead but-â
âdo you think weâre cursed spencer?â
âwhat do you mean?â
i close my eyes, âbad things seem to happen to us more than anyone else i know, weâve both been kidnapped, drugged, tortured, known the agony of unrequited love, had someone we love killed in front of our eyesâŠhow am i supposed to have any faith in life when weâre just bombarded with trauma and pain every single day?â
spencer opens his mouth to speak but he falters, i can only recall one other occasion where iâve seen spencer speechless. itâs not a sight that i ever want to see again, he looks so lost as he stares down at me and i know that he doesnât know what to say.
morgan pops his head around the door, âglad to see youâre awake,â he says.
i smile weakly at him before tilting my head away, i donât need anyone else seeing me cry.
âsorry kid, but hotch wants wheels up in thirty, we need to get a move on.â
âyeah, iâll be two minutes.â
my heart sinks in my chest because i realise that spencerâs hand is still intertwined with mine and i know that my heart will break when he pulls his away. i shakily raise my hand to dry my eyes, spencer has to go now, and i need to dry my own eyes from now on.
âiâm sorry,â he whispers, âi donât want to leave you but-â
âitâs okay, spencer,â i say, shifting my head back so i can see his face again.
his honey and glass eyes are boring into mine, and in that moment, we are connected by our mutual pain, and maybe something deeper that i canât quite discern.
âyou could come back with me,â he says hopefully.
i shake my head, âyou know i canât spencer,â i squeeze his hand lightly, âyou go, iâll be okay.â
i canât go with him because i think i know what his eyes are asking me and i canât open myself up to something like that right now. i canât disregard the last five years that i have spent re-building myself just for something that i may be reading too much into.
he lets go of my hand and an involuntary shiver runs through my body, i had grown so accustomed to our brief skin to skin contact and now that itâs gone i feel like iâm missing a part of myself.
âiâm so sorry, about everything-â
âitâs okay spencer, iâm starting to think that we arenât meant to have a happily ever after.â
he doesnât say anything else; he just presses a gentle kiss against my forehead before he skirts of the room.
i lie motionless in my hospital bed, the nurse comes in to administer some pain meds and i almost wished she hadnât because at least the pounding in my head and stinging from my cuts meant i could feel something.
without spencer, the room is colder. i thought that having my own, personal sun was a bad thing because i thought that being strong and independent meant never relying on anyone for anything. i realise now that being strong means knowing when to when to depend on others.
i wish fitz were here, he would know exactly what to say.
i feel like rotten honey and shattered glass.
iâm not surprised by the look of shock that spreads across his face when he swings open the door to see me standing in the hallway. i open my mouth to speak but i realise i never figured out what to say. i had two cab journeys, a flight, a decade of loving him and i still donât know what to say.
he must see something on my face because his own stony expression softens, and he reaches out a hand.
âwhat made you change your mind?â
itâs warm against my own, still freezing from the bitter, winter wind.
âi realised i was wrong, i thought if i ran straight back into your arms it would ruin all the years i spent sticking myself back together. before you were oxygen to me, and i couldnât live without you. now i know that i can, i just donât want to.â
he squeezes my hand, pulling me towards him. iâm in his apartment.
âyou told me once that you still love me, but you arenât in love with me. is that still true?â
i nod, âyes, but i donât think that youâre in love with me either. yet,â i wink at him and he grins, âi donât need to learn how to love you, i already know how to do that. i just need to be persuaded to fall in love with you again.â
he takes a step closer to me, âpersuaded how?â
i snake my arms around his neck and his lips brush against mine, âlike this.â
i press my lips against his and i donât feel fireworks or butterflies or a gravitational pull, i just feel at home. i donât need a happily ever after beacuse he is enough.
he tastes like coffee and i feel like honey and glass.
as usual i have finished this super late at night and havent proof read at all so pls ignore any grammar/spelling mistakes - also aware that the timeline in this probably doesn't align with canon cos i have no clue how far apart certain events happened so ive made some educated guesses.Â
i never planned for honey and glass to have a part 2 but i wrote one due to all the requests i got so iâm sorry if the plot isnt the best because i didnt really know where to take it. iâm definitely not as happy with this as i was with part one but i still hope you enjoy it!
taglist:
@mggswhorificlover @doctorthreephds @minami97 @bisexualwomanofcolour @ashwarren32 @bangisbae @haylaansmi @heyy-itsharley03 @starjane312 @awesometheydontknowiamhere @radtwinkie @allexthakatt @spencereidshoe @mgglover @spideyr3id
@cloudyskylines @pastelvixenbeauty @hatemyselfbutitsokay @writingwithnotime @awkwxrdmarauders
ive tagged anyone who commented on part 1 or liked my posts about a part 2 so im sorry if you didnt want to be tagged, if ur name is scored through then i tried to tag you but it wouldnt let me x
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Last minute ~ Aaron Hotchner x Reader
Pairing: Reader x Aaron hotcher
Summary: Y/N goes into labour while Aaron is working a case
Warnings: Idk, no smut, just soft hotch and pregnancyÂ
You had been witch Aaron Hotchner, for a little over 4 years now. You had gotten married just last year and now you both worked in the BAU. Aaron was unit chief, and you were one of his agents, around 8 months ago you and Aaron had found out you were expecting. You were in your third trimester, wearing loose clothing and trying your best to still attend work. Aaron had gotten very protective over you and the baby, making sure no one hurt you. He was still trying to convince you to take mat leave, but you refused, wanting to be in the office with everyone. But finally, there came a time where you couldnât work, you were too big and tired. Aaron took that time to take you home and tell you to get some rest, you now sat at home. It was quite boring. When Jack was at school and Aaron was at work, you had nothing to do, you cleaned the house, packed your hospital bag, and made lunches and dinner. But you mostly slept, every day, small naps around the house.
Every day Aaron called you to check in around lunch, made sure you had your hospital bag packed and knew what the plan was. But you never expected it when it actually happened.
It was around 1am, Aaron was across the country for a case when you felt your water brake. You were still groggy from your sleep but when you felt the water underneath you and running down your leg, you knew. You immediately picked up the phone and called your neighbour, he was the one that was going to drive you to the hospital if Aaron couldnât, that had been the plan. You called three times but no answer, he was asleep, it was the middle of the night after all. You felt a sharp, sore pain in your abdomen and knew you needed to get to the hospital now. You had no time to wait for someone to drive you, so you ran downstairs, grabbed your keys with your bag, and got in the car. The pain was getting worse as you drove, but the hospital wasnât far, as you sped up. You were able to pull into the parking lot and barely put the car in park before rushing into the emergency rom. âMaâam, is everything alright?â The woman at the desk asked you, your breathing was heavy, âI-I think Iâm going into labour.â You said, panicked. The woman shot up from her chair and directed you into the maternity ward, paging doctors and nurses to your room. âPlease, I- I need to call my husband.â You begged out; the nurse looked at you with pity. âLay down maâam, we can call him. What is his name?â You panted, âAaron Hotchner, heâs with the FBI. PleaseâŠâ You breathed, the nurse nodded and went off.
Aaron was sleeping when he got the call, he woke up, his voice groggy. âHotchner.â He answered the phone, âWhat?â he asked, finally able to wake up. âHow long ago?â he sat up, pulling on a pair of pants, âIâll be there as soon as I can.â He hung up and rushed around the room, packing all of his things, and throwing on a jacket as he rushed down the hall to Rossiâs room. He knocked frantically and Rossi answered, squinting. âHotch?â he asked sleepily. âY/n is in labour; I need to go back to Quantico now.â He said, panic in his eyes, Rossi nodded. âGo, weâll be okay.â Aaron nodded and rushed out of the hotel, making it to the airport in under 20 minutes. The plane was there waiting thanks to a call from Rossi, and they were off the ground in minutes. The flight back seemed to take forever; Aaron sat anxiously as the pilot flew them back. Aaron kept checking his phone for a text from you but nothing yet. He bounced his leg anxiously and put his head in his hands.
You lay in your room, it was now 4am, the doctor was telling you, you need to get ready to push. âNo, I wonât do it without him here, please just get my husband.â You begged; the doctor frowned. âWe can wait another hour maybe but not any longer, it can affect the babyâs health.â He said, you nodded, âThank you.â
50 minutes went by, the doctor was waiting by the end of your bed. âMaâam, we need to get ready.â The doctor said sadly, you felt tears prick at the sides of your eyes from the pain and emotion. You nodded sadly and he sat you up, preparing to put the epidural in. âMy wife, my wife sheâs going into labour!â you heard Aaronâs voice from down the hallway, you smiled slightly. He burst through the door, panting and grabbed your hand, kissing your forehead. âIâm so sorry love, I got here as fast as I could.â He breathed out, âJust in time, please pull up a chair, we are just putting the epidural in and then weâll get started.â The doctor said.
It had been 3 hours, the pain was unbearable, you could feel sweat dripping down your face as you winced in pain. Aaron was holding your hand, letting you squeeze his hand to ease your discomfort. âYouâre doing great babe, come on keep pushing.â He was encouraging you, wiping the sweat off your eyebrow. You were biting your lip to hold in the screams of pain, shallow breaths escaped you as the pain ripped through you, you could feel Aaronâs hand in your as you squeezed until your knuckles turned white.
âCâmon momma, one more big push, heâs almost here.â The doctor encouraged. You winced as you made that final push. You heard the babyâs cries, it brought tears to your eyes. âYou did it.â The nurse said, grabbing your hand. âDad, would you like to cut the cord?â The nurse asked, Aaron took the scissors, hands steady and helped cut the umbilical cord. Before you knew it your warm, pink baby was being placed in your arms. You looked down at him, slight cries escaped his lips for the first few seconds before you held him close, and he quieted down. You couldnât take your eyes off of him, his small face, and cute little hands. Aaron rested a hand on your shoulder and smiled down at you, âThatâs our baby.â He laughed out nervously. You looked up at him and he leaned down for a kiss.
It was a few hours later, Aaron was asleep on the couch across from your bed, laying peacefully. You lay feeding your baby, all was quiet.
A slight knock at your door caught your attention, it was the team. Garcia was the first by your side, grinning and cooing down at the baby. Morgan and Rossi joined up on the other side and JJ and Emily were the last to come into the room. JJ looked down at you and smiled, âItâs a hell of a time, isnât it?â She asked with a laugh, you smiled and nodded. You put your finger up to your lips to signal everyone to stay quiet as to not wake up Hotch as he continued sleeping peacefully. Morgan wanted to hold him right away, he was swaddled in a blanket, and you gently handed him to Morgan, making sure he supported his head properly. The whole team had a chance to hold the baby before it came to Reid. He took the baby so hesitantly, he looked down, as if he werenât sure what to do before he slowly started rocking the baby, the baby cooed and gurgled happily in his arms.
Hotch opened his eyes at the noise of his baby boy, he saw the team and stood up with a small nod toward Rossi, âThank you for letting me come back.â He smiled; Rossi smiled back âI wouldnât let you miss this.â They both turned and watch you and the team laughing and joking around as Reid cradled the baby.
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absence.
Aaron Hotchner x Gender Neutral Reader
a joyful future fic
a/n: the next installment is here! this is the second-to-last piece in the berry hill section of a joyful future. as it has been lately, this one requires little ajf context, but i would recommend reading berry hill and waldosia, if you havenât already. (thanks to aimz @ssaic-jareau, kira @good-heavens-chris-evans, and sabina @writefasttalkevenfaster)
edit: this has been heavily revised as of april 29th, 2021. the changes and additions address continuity errors and ongoing subplots.Â
words:Â 7k (prev. 3.8k)
warnings: language, vomit mention, really accurate satellite phone protocol (eat your heart out, cm writers), beard!hotch, jack hotchner content, one last slow burn
summary: âabsence is to love what wind is to fire; it extinguishes the small, it inflames the greatâ - roger de bussy-rabutin. au!march-september 2011
masterlist | a joyful future masterlist | ajf faq | taglist | what do you want to see next?
updated: april 29th, 2021
Thereâs a moment where he stops at your desk on the way out of the bullpen, but you just stare at him. He opens his mouth as if to speak, then closes it. After a moment, he finally says, âJack is with Jessica tonight.âÂ
You have no idea what your face looks like, but itâs enough to drop his shoulders and send him on his way, defeated.
+++
You let yourself into his apartment, slamming the door behind you. Heâs been waiting for you, leaning against the windowsill across from the door.Â
âHow dare you.â
He sighs and presses a hand to his forehead. âYou have to understand that I -â
âBullshit, Aaron. I donât have to understand a goddamn thing. What are you thinking? We need you.âÂ
His head tips up, and he looks through you. The haunted look in his eyes almost makes you falter - it so acutely reminds you of the days following Haleyâs death - but you keep your resolve. He doesnât say anything, just lets you yell at him until it's out of your system. You could never actually hate him and he knows that, which makes some of it easier, but not all of it.Â
The tears start and pick up speed as you continue, nearly at a shout. âYou've known for seven months that you were going to leave for Pakistan. I read the brief. Seven. Fucking. Months, Aaron. Since September, youâve known and you didnât tell us about the task force assignment in fucking Pakistan!âÂ
You pause, but the final nail in his proverbial coffin leaves your mouth without permission. âEmily died, and youâre still leaving?â He flinches. âYouâre leaving me and Jack. Youâre leaving our team. I never thought you could do something like that to us. Maybe them, but not me. Never to me. I mean, after everything weâve -â You cut yourself off and raise the back of your hand to your mouth, unable to finish the unbearably painful thought.
Heâs not sure which part is the most painful - the fact that you list yourself with Jack instead of with the BAU, the fact that you say âour team,â or the tone that drips with hurt. The sob that rips through your chest breaks his heart. He leans heavily against the arm of his couch, knocked down by the weight of your tears.Â
No. The hardest part is knowing he deserves it, that you arenât saying anything that isn't unfair or untrue.Â
âI canât even look at you right now.âÂ
He can only watch you as you walk back out, leaving the door open behind you.Â
About twenty minutes later, he receives a text.
9:34pm Iâll be there tomorrow at 12:30 to take you to base. Be ready when I get there.Â
He crawls into bed about half an hour later, and receives another text.
10:05pm Goodnight.Â
Fuck.Â
+++
The ride to base ride is mostly silent, and you know somethingâs wrong. Itâs nothing you can articulate or even really put your finger on, but itâs something bigger than just his imminent absence.
Heâs boarding a C-130 supply transport with a few Marines and various agency task force members to an outpost in Pakistan. It will no doubt be a long and deeply uncomfortable flight. His go bag, packed with desert fatigues and a couple of creature comforts, looks smaller than usual at his feet.Â
âHow long?â
He sighs and shakes his head. âTask force operations are need-to-know.â Thereâs so much he canât tell you, and it eats at him. Because itâs you, and heâs been an ass, he concedes a little. âProbably a couple of months.â
âWeâll be okay, Aaron.âÂ
A little laugh leaves him, and it pulls a smile from you.Â
âWhat?â
âRemember when you chased me down last night to tell me the team couldnât do this without me?âÂ
You roll your eyes. âItâs still true, but weâll manage. We always do.â Thereâs a moment of silence, and you continue. âAnd youâre going where youâre needed. That helps.âÂ
Itâs true. Your anger had cooled (just a little) overnight, and you decided you didnât want to be upset with him when he leaves.Â
You already miss him.Â
âDonât think Iâm not still mad at you.â
He looks out the window, and you can hear the wheels turning in his head. Jack is on his mind, and so are you. Thereâs nothing more nauseating than the thought of leaving you while youâre still hurting from Emilyâs loss. âI know.âÂ
Why are you going through with this, Hotchner?
Oh, right. Youâre a coward.Â
âI just donât want our last conversation before you leave to be a fight.â You sniff, but donât look at him as you continue driving down the highway.Â
I am perhaps the most undeserving man on the planet.Â
He says, âThank you. I donât want that either,â but he hopes you can hear what else he canât say.Â
I love you. Iâm sorry.Â
+++
âAlright, youâve got everything you need?â You stand next to him on the tarmac, shading your eyes from the sun.Â
Aaron hikes his bag higher on his shoulder. âThink so. You gonna be alright?â
You nod and reach for him. He embraces you, tucking his head into your shoulder. âYou be safe, Aaron Hotchner. If you die out there Iâll kill you myself.âÂ
He chuckles, and you hope the sound is enough to keep your heart from breaking too much over the next couple of months. Your eyes close as he presses a kiss to your cheek. âIâll check in when I can.â
Shoving against his chest, you turn him around and push him toward the plane. âGet outta here.âÂ
He takes one last look over his shoulder when he reaches the loading ramp and offers you a wave. You return it.Â
+++
You manage to get to the highway before the tears start. The only person you want to talk to is Emily. Sheâd know exactly what to say, and sheâd make sure your days off were full of fun and good company. You pull off on the side of the road, your head falling into your hands, sobs wracking through you.
When youâre able to keep driving, your chest hurts beyond belief.Â
Without her, these months seem to stretch before you forever.Â
+++ april 2011 +++
Itâs not the first time youâve ended up in his office alone, but itâs the first time youâve really noticed the evidence of his absence.Â
The picture frames on his desk started gathering dust, so you brought a little duster to the office. His desktop computer has stopped making noise, so you turned it on and off once out of pity. His phone hardly rings, unless it's the NSA trying to get a hold of one of you for a sat phone call, so you and Morgan take turns taking forwarded calls.Â
The silence is overwhelming and seems to pull something intangible from you. Itâs exhausting.Â
âWhenâs the last time you slept?âÂ
You turn, finding Penelope in the doorway. Youâre not sure how long sheâs been there, watching your acquiescence to the bees that seem to have invaded your brain in the last couple of weeks.Â
âI slept last night,â you tell her. Itâs not technically a lie.Â
She doesnât look impressed. âDid you sleep through the night, or are you just trying to play one of your Jedi mind tricks on me?âÂ
With a sigh, you cop to it. âNo, I didnât sleep through the night.â You look out the window to the bullpen, and you know she sees something on your face.Â
âI donât like it either.â She looks over her shoulder, finding Spencer and Ashley playing a game of Go on the desk. Unsurprisingly, Spencerâs winning. Rossi and Derek speak quietly by the little kitchen, looking just about as tired as you feel.Â
The short-handedness is getting to you. âThereâs justâŠâ You search for something to say. âThereâs just so much to do.âÂ
Penelope looks back. Her mouth twists. âAnd weâre down a coupleâa hands.âÂ
Thatâs an understatement.Â
+++
âI would understand if you needed some time to think about it.â Erin leans forward in her chair, elbows on her desk. âWith your team cut in half, even I wouldnât feel comfortable sending you to another unit without some time to train a replacement or two.âÂ
âOr three,â you add.
She looks at you and nods. âExactly.âÂ
You pick up the letter from the Special Agent in Charge in Los Angeles. Youâd be his right hand - essentially the liaison between operational support divisions and units operating in the field. Itâs a hell of an opportunity, a huge promotion, and a significant bump in pay.Â
âCan I take you up on the offer to think about it?â You slide the letter across the desk again.Â
Her eyes are soft, and you almost feel close to her in that moment. âOf course. Take your time. Itâs a position created just for you, so thereâs nobody else in line for it.âÂ
âThanks.âÂ
+++ may 2011 +++
âReady or not, here I come!â You call across the apartment, sneaking through the familiar rooms with practiced ease.Â
Aaronâs been away for close to a month, and youâve settled into a routine. Cases, of course, keep you busy. Derekâs rather good at playing unit chief - decisive and collaborative - but you miss Aaronâs steady, even hand.Â
Really, you miss everything about him. You try not to think about him too much.Â
You fail, often.Â
Avoiding thoughts of Aaron gets even harder as you creep into the master bedroom. The smell of him hasnât left. Past the doorway, the air is spicy, masculine, and warm. You squint at the bed. One of the pillows moves, just a little, and you pounce, pulling the covers back and grabbing the wiggling pillow.Â
Jack screeches and throws himself at you. You catch him and fall back on the bed, laughing. âI found you!â
Jess is off running errands for the afternoon, taking some well-earned time off. Youâll more than likely spend the night over here tonight to give her more of her weekend. Itâs never any trouble to stay with Jack. You adore each other.Â
Usually, Jack leaps right to his feet for another round, but he stays put after his fit of mirth passes, sprawling across your chest.Â
âWhat are you thinking about over there?â
He sighs, and brings his little hands under his chin, propping his head up so he can look at you. Heâs six (and then some), now - still very much a boy - but the pensive look on his face starkly reminds you of his father. âWhenâs Dad going to be home?â
You push some hair off his forehead. âIâm not sure, my love. Iâm hoping itâs only a couple more weeks, but it could be a little longer than that.âÂ
He sighs, and it breaks your heart a little. You turn on your side, and he curls into you, resting his head on your arm and tucking under your chin. âAre you and my dad best friends? I have a best friend named Connor and he says best friends are really important and I was just wondering.â
You laugh a little. âYeah, I think so. Your dad and I have known each other for a long time.â His little hands play with the collar of your shirt. Thereâs more to his question. Jackâs just like his dad and takes a bit of ferreting out. Luckily, youâve had plenty of practice. âWhat are you curious about, little bug?â
âDo you miss Dad?â
A track of Aaronâs laugh, his smile, the way his arms feel around you flies through your head. âYeah, I miss him a lot.âÂ
âIâm happy youâre here so we can miss him together.â You can almost hear Aaronâs voice in Jackâs. It sounds just like something he would say, and probably has said, talking to his son about Haley.
âMe too, buddy.â You kiss the top of his head. âMe too.âÂ
Jess returns about an hour later, groceries in-hand, to find you and Jack curled together in Aaronâs bed, snoozing the afternoon away. She snaps a picture with her phone, saving it in an album she keeps for Aaron. After she puts the groceries away, she escapes, leaving a note.Â
Youâre on your own tonight and tomorrow. Have a good time with breakfast - heâs been picky lately.Â
XO,
Jess
+++
âYou know,â Jess says, a little out of the blue one afternoon. âHaley told me something once.âÂ
You snort. âIâd imagine she told you a great number of things.âÂ
âWell, sure. But I mean about you and Aaron.âÂ
Itâs pretty stupid that your body decides to panic over absolutely nothing. If this was a polygraph, youâd fail outright. And yet, nothingâs happened between you and Aaron. Youâre just friends.Â
Yeah but you love him.Â
And he probably loves you, too.Â
But we're all to chickenshit for that.
What a-fucking-bout it?
You take a little breath and a sip of your tea. âOh?â You hope the query sounds casual enough and doesnât give away the cool sweat blossoming over your palms.Â
Luckily, Jess isnât a profiler.Â
âHaley told me - and this was the summer before she died, so itâs not like she told me under duress or anything - that she thought there may have been something between you and Aaron after the divorce.âÂ
She says that like itâs the simplest thing. Youâre not sure what to say, so you keep your eyes on the grain of the coffee table, tracing the lines with your eyes. Eventually, you decide to answer in the simplest, most honest way possible.Â
âThereâs never been anything between Aaron and me. Heâs one of my best friends and I care about him.â That sounds evasive even to your own ears. âI care about him a lot.âÂ
Jess hums. âI know, but Haley always had a sense about these things. And she knows Aaron better than anyone.âÂ
Her slip into the present tense makes your chest pull.Â
âI donât say that to put you on the spot or anything.â She shrugs. âI just think you guys would be good together. Youâre good for him and I think heâs good for you, too.âÂ
Sheâs more right than she knows, but you canât think about it for too long. You miss him too much.Â
Out of a need to respond, you offer a half-hearted, âMaybe.âÂ
Jess reaches out. âHeâll be home soon. When he gets back, I think you should at least think about it. Or talk about it.â She shakes her head. âOr something.âÂ
âI have -â You cut yourself off, not really meaning to share.Â
She squeezes your knee. âI know you have. So has he.âÂ
+++ june 2011 +++
Back to back cases - five of them, to be exact, pull you through the next four weeks by the ear. Formal leadership wears on Derek more and more by the day, and you find yourself making just as many decisions as he does. Youâre immensely proud of him, but the whole thing is exhausting. Spencer does his best to slip back into his normal role, but Emilyâs loss continues to wear on him. You donât blame him.
Most days feel held together by duct tape, with you and Rossi acting as the adhesive. All that and the offer in Los Angeles youâve hardly had time to process.Â
Thus, your evening with Jess is both well-earned and much needed.Â
âWanna crash here tonight?â She sets a mug of tea down on the coffee table in front of you and sits heavily back on the couch. âItâs pretty late.â
You check your watch and find it is indeed late. Before you can answer, your phone rings, and you answer it with an apologetic glance toward Jess. âHey, Morgan. Whatâs up?â
âWe have sat call notification from Hotch. Can you come in?â He sounds exhausted.Â
âYeah, I can be there in twenty. Is everything okay?â
He sighs. âYeah, looks like a routine check-in.âÂ
Jess sighs, knowing the drill. She goes to the kitchen and pours your tea into a travel mug.Â
âAre you calling anyone else in?â
âNope. Just you. See you when you get here.â He hangs up.Â
You stare at your phone as Jess sits next to you again. âWe have a call from Aaron coming in, and I have to head to the office.â She hands you your travel mug, and you take it gratefully.Â
âYouâre welcome back here - I can set up Aaronâs room for you. Weâre a lot closer to the office than your place, and I donât want you to drive if youâre too tired.â She sets a hand on your knee, and you reach over to embrace her.Â
âThanks, Jess.â
+++
When you arrive, Derekâs already on the phone. â... So, no leads?... Right.â He looks up and catches your eye. âHere, Hotch.â
You take the phone. âHey.â
âHi.â He sounds relieved. âAre you doing okay? Howâs Jack?â
His questions make you smile. âWeâre good. Heâs good. I just left the apartment - Jess and I were having some grown-up movie time.â
Youâre warmed by his laugh. âGood. Glad to hear it. I was just telling Derek that the leads out here have gone cold, but weâre still working.â
âAh. Any chance youâll be home soon?â You avoid Derekâs searching gaze.Â
âIt doesnât look that way, no. Weâre picking up on some chatter out there, but nothing firm. Weâll have to keep out for a couple more weeks at least.â
Your heart drops, but you hide it as best you can. âAlright. Anything you need from us back here?â
âJust keep doing good work.â You know he canât say much more than that, with more than a couple of NSA guys in between you on the line, not to mention the archival recording of the call. Even then, you know he means looking for Doyle. âThatâs all I need from you.âÂ
âWe can do that.â You give him a quick rundown of some recent cases, all surface-level. Youâre mostly stalling, using up incredibly expensive satellite time just to hear his voice.Â
You hear him sigh. âAlright, I gotta get back. Tell Jack and Jess I love them.âÂ
âOf course.â You hand the phone back to Derek and wait while they finish up. Your eyes wander over the volumes of law books in Aaronâs bookshelf, the pictures of Jack and Haley and Jess behind his desk. Wandering over to his chair, you sit down and rest your head on your arms.Â
Your eyes wander to a photo taken a year and a half ago at Haleyâs service. Youâre not sure who took it, but youâre crouched on the ground talking to Jack, while Aaron stands behind him with a hand on his head. Jack's little hands are in yours, and heâs smiling a little.Â
Of all the photos to keep on his desk...
Derek hangs up the sat phone and puts it back in the lockbox. He crosses the office and leans against the desk beside you, placing a hand on your shoulder.Â
+++
When you get back to the apartment (indeed much closer than your home), Jess is asleep in the guest room, and Jackâs still out like a light.Â
You change into your pajamas, stuffed into your go bag, and curl up under the covers on Aaron's side of the bed. His pillow smells faintly like him, and you burrow into it.Â
The bed feels far too big and far too cold without him.Â
+++
âJJ!â You stand to greet her. âWhat are you doing here?âÂ
She holds up her credentials. âIâve been reinstated as a profiler on temporary assignment, so donât get too excited. Itâs a contingent favor for the FBI and Iâm sure the State Department will call to collect sometime soon.âÂ
You clear your consults and subpoenas off the desk beside you. âGood to have you back.â Looking over at the intimidating stack of files you ask, âNeed anything to do?â
+++ july 2011 +++
The next time a sat call comes in, you canât go into the office. Jack has the flu and is absolutely miserable. You canât, in good conscience, leave Jess to her own devices. Between the vomit and the sleeplessness and the tears, four hands are absolutely necessary.Â
âDerek, I canât leave. Jack is literally puking his guts out as we speak, and I donât have any new intel for Hotch.âÂ
Morgan huffs into the phone. âCome on. You know youâre the only one he actually wants to talk to and the only one who has any actual updates about Jack.âÂ
âYou just have to tell him that Iâm up in the middle of the night with his son, who has the flu. Isnât that enough of an update?â You donât really mean to snap at him, but the lack of sleep has made you a little punchy.Â
âFine. If he -â
âYeah, I know. If he gets upset, just blame me. He can deal with me when heâs not in Pakistan. As long as there are five time zones between us, Iâll take my fucking chances.â
âFair enough.âÂ
He hangs up, and you return to the hall bathroom, where Jackâs cheek is pressed against the toilet seat, his forehead clammy and face pale. Jess is taking her turn to sleep - youâll switch off in an hour.Â
âHey, bubba.â
He mumbles something that sounds like, âHi.â
âCan I get you some crackers or maybe some Sprite?âÂ
Jack shakes his head and lifts himself up, holding his arms out. The risk of illness far from your mind, you gather him up and lean against the cabinets, rubbing his back.
âCan you try to close your eyes for me?â
âI donât feel good.â There are a few tears in his voice, and it breaks your heart a little. Youâve so been there.Â
âI know, baby. I know. Just close your eyes for a minute, okay?â
He does, and his breathing evens out eventually. Heâs still feverish, but youâre happy heâs sweating, at least. It could break by morning at this rate.Â
The makeshift towel-bed on the bathroom floor looks more than inviting. You gingerly shuffle over and lay down, keeping Jack flat against your chest.Â
Itâs the best sleep youâve had in weeks.
+++
âStrauss offered me that transfer to LA again.âÂ
Derek looks up at you from his report, his brows drawn low over his eyes. âYou gonna take it?âÂ
You heave a sigh. Before you can say anything -
âYeah, that sounds about right.â He puts his pen down, giving you his full attention. âWhatâs stopping you?âÂ
So many things.Â
There are only a couple of them you can say aloud. Luckily, they have the benefit of being true, albeit incomplete. âI love this work. I love this team. I don't know if I want to be a lackey for an almost-politician.âÂ
âAnd?âÂ
Heâs got you. He knows thereâs more because he knows you. Even then, you canât bring yourself to say exactly what it is thatâs holding you back. So, you hedge your answer, knowing heâll understand.Â
âI canât -â leave Aaron and Jack. You clear your throat. âI canât leave this team. Maybe that makes me a coward or suggests a lack of adventure or something, but I canât do it.âÂ
âIt doesnât,â Derek says. âIt makes you human.âÂ
You smile a little.Â
âAnd for the record, I donât want you to leave. And I donât think Jack and Hotch do, either.âÂ
A little incredulous laugh leaves you. Derek simply smiles, but doesnât say much else. It makes your point for you.Â
Nobody else knows you like this team.Â
+++
The hardest days are the ones where you end up by yourself. Derekâs picked up kickboxing with Penelope, Spencer has withdrawn almost entirely, JJ has her family, and Rossi retreats to the cabin by the lake with an alarming degree of regularity.Â
Thank God heâs not as cranky as Gideon.Â
That would be too spooky.Â
Everyone is out of the office, scattered to their respective distractions. You sit on the floor of Aaronâs office, leaning against his desk. Your laptop sits open in front of you, but youâre only half paying attention to the movie playing.Â
It was only this afternoon you realized his office smelled more like stale paper, your house, and Tiger Balm than Aaron, and it broke your heart a little. Your only solace was his apartment - the evidence of his existence was inescapable there. With Emily gone for good, you often needed the reminder.Â
His office phone rings. You pause the movie, stand, and answer it.Â
âAgent Hotchnerâs office.âÂ
NSA is on the other side, dry and professional. âWe have an incoming call from Agent Hotchner. Is Agent Morgan available?âÂ
You tell him heâs not, but that youâre the next in line to receive task force updates. In an equally dry and professional tone, you relay your credentials and your unique intel code.Â
âThank you. Please stand by.â Click.Â
You roll your eyes.Â
God, theyâre boring.Â
Sitting down at Aaronâs desk, you wait for the armed guard to arrive with the phone. As per protocol, youâll sign for the call and remove it from the lockbox yourself. Youâll return it for pickup when the call is completed.Â
The guard shows up and you step through the motions, finally getting the phone to your ear.Â
âHey.âÂ
âOh, itâs you.â He sounds surprised, but not displeased.Â
You laugh a little. âYeah, itâs me. Morganâs unavailable at the moment.âÂ
âI see. Is Jack feeling any better?â
âYeah. Heâs been alright for about a week now. It was a pretty nasty bug, but heâs a trooper. Any new chatter down your way?â You trace the wood grain of his desk with your finger, only a little absent-minded.Â
âThereâs a little bit of activity on the border. Weâre monitoring the situation. Is everything going okay over there?â
âYeah, for the most part. Weâve been feeling the heat a little since Seaver transferred to Andyâs unit, but weâre managing alright. Daveâs called JJ back in to lend a hand, and sheâs doing really well.âÂ
He hums. âThat was a smart idea.âÂ
âIâll tell him you said so.âÂ
âOh, please donât. Itâll go straight to his head.âÂ
You smile. âFair point. Any updates on the timetable?â
When are you coming home? Please make it soon.Â
âNot at the moment. I think weâre getting closer. Few more weeks.â Thereâs something behind his voice you canât quite grasp, but you let it go.Â
âAlright. Keep us posted.âÂ
âWill do. You know the drill.âÂ
âI sure do. Iâll relay the information to the team, tell your son you love him, and talk to you in a couple of weeks.âÂ
You can almost hear his smile. âExactly. Talk soon.â
âBe safe, Aaron.âÂ
âHey, before you go,â he says. âCan you, um -âÂ
You smile, tracing the wood grain on his desk. âIâll tell Haley you said Happy Birthday.â
âThanks.â
+++
Jessâs hand only shakes a little as she lights the candle and holds the cupcake between the three of you. While she takes care of the cake and begins to sing with Jack, you hold the camera, filming the impromptu party so Aaron can see it when he comes home.
âOkay, Jack you have to help Mom blow out the candle,â Jess says, holding the cupcake in front of him. With a great amount of glee, Jack extinguishes the candle with a big breath and a laugh.Â
You turn the camera on Jess, who says, âWe couldn't let Haleyâs forty-first go unrecognized - sheâs officially old and we had to let her know.âÂ
With a laugh of your own, you turn the camera around and wave before turning it off.Â
âCan I eat the cake now?â Jack asks.Â
Jess nods, pulling the candle and setting it aside on your picnic blanket. âOf course, but after we eat some fruit, okay? I donât want the ants to get to the basket before you do.âÂ
The July sunshine beats down on the three of you, picnicking beside Haleyâs resting place. It is, in fact, her forty-first birthday. You can only imagine the look on her face she would have adopt when you reminded her of her age.Â
âOh please,â sheâd say. âWhen you get to be as old as me, youâll never hear the end of it.âÂ
Jack sits in the sun, munching on a little apple slice. You reach over, rubbing a little splotch of sunscreen into his skin. He already has a little sunburn from your adventure to the District earlier in the week and youâre not about to make your life even harder.Â
Aaronâs absence, even in its fourth month, is glaring. Jack has mostly stopped waking in the middle of the night looking for him and having regular meltdowns, but he always looks up when the front door opens with an expectant look that breaks your heart. Heâs an adaptable kid, but months without contact from his father have taken their toll. If youâre honest, it surprised you a little bit.Â
With a little bit of perspective, months are different than days, or even a week or two. Jack relies on Aaron more than you realized and the difficulty of helping Jess where you can has only further illuminated your ignorance.
âWill Mom always have a birthday?â Jack asks.Â
Jess looks over at him. âWhat do you mean?â
He thinks for a moment, a little pensive. âI mean, because sheâs not here. Do people who arenât here still have birthdays?âÂ
âThey do,â she replies. âThatâs why we have to celebrate for them. They arenât here, but itâs still special.âÂ
He nods, a kind of understanding look on his face that makes you think he knows exactly what that means.Â
+++
âYeah?â
You smile. Itâs been a minute since you heard his voice, over the phone or otherwise. âHey, Dr. Reid. Howâs Vegas?â
âHot. But itâs nice to be home.â
âHowâs your mom?â You trace aimless patterns over the mat on Aaronâs desk, watching the suede imprint and erase as you go.
He sighs. âSheâs alright. I think sheâs about ready to kick me out, though.â
âItâs only been three weeks,â you laugh. âSurely you can make yourself useful?â
âI sent in her most recent publication to the journal, so Iâve outgrown my use until I find her a new thesis.â
You can almost see it - the two geniuses, mother and son, bickering over a game of chess or fourteenth-century novel. âBetter find her a new thesis, then.â
Spencerâs thin smile is audible through the phone. âGuess so. How are things over there?â
âItâs a little hectic. Itâs just me, JJ, Morgan, and Rossi now. Penelopeâs still working with us regularly, but counter-terrorism keeps pulling her for âspecial projects,â whatever that means.â
You donât mean to guilt him into coming back or anything - you know he needs the time to recharge. Heâll come back when he wants to or feels he needs to but at this point, thereâs hardly a difference between four and five agents on the team. You need Aaron. And Emily.
âWith the amount of summer task forces coalescing, that doesnât surprise me.â He pauses. âIâll probably spend a few more weeks here unless there are any developments between now and then.â
By developments, you know it means any confirmed sighting of your target. âThat sounds like a plan. Weâll be glad to have you back but take your time. Youâve more than earned it.â
âThanks.â
+++ august 2011 +++
âHowâs Jack?âÂ
âHeâs doing alright,â you tell him. âHe misses you.âÂ
I miss you.
Aaron sighs. There isnât time for everything he wants to say, even less for the things he could. âIâm probably going to miss his first day.âÂ
âThatâs what I figured.â It's hard to think about and probably going to be harder than you can imagine, especially if thereâs a case that takes you away from home. âJess will take lots of pictures and Iâm sure heâll be happy to tell you all about it when you get home.âÂ
Itâs hard to keep the bitterness from your voice, but neither one of you could have anticipated this would go on for this long. âOver the summerâ seems a little abstract until the end of the summer arrives.Â
This isnât his fault. It isnât. You know that.Â
But itâs his fault for going in the first place.Â
Conceptual anger isnât useful. Thatâs another thing of which youâre keenly aware.Â
And yetâŠ
âThank you for being there for them,â he says, as if heâs reading your mind. âI know this isnât easy.âÂ
Thereâs nothing you can really say, but you hum anyway.Â
The pair of you are just eating satellite time now, so you say goodbye and good luck before tipping your head back against his office chair.Â
When the tears slip down your cheeks, youâre not sure if you miss him more than youâre mad at him or the other way around.Â
+++
âChief Strauss?â You knock lightly on her door and she beckons you in, just finishing up a phone call. She gestures to the little sitting area in the corner of her office, and you make yourself comfortable on one of the couches.
She hangs up and joins you. âHave you thought more about the offer?â
âI have. Thank you for your patience. I know itâs been a little while since we first spoke about it.â
Erin waves her hands, brushing off the implied apology. âThe BAUâs work in the last few weeks has been exemplary. Iâm impressed, especially considering the significant funding and personnel obstacles youâre facing at the moment.â
You laugh a little. Â âI hope that doesnât make anyone think working with this many people is acceptable, maâam.â
âNo,â she assures you. âIâve made that very clear.â
Thereâs a small moment of silence before you speak again.
âI wonât be accepting the position in Los Angeles.â
Strauss sighs but doesnât look surprised. âThatâs as I expected. I will, however, add something that I did not share with you before to further inform your choice.â
You sit up a little straighter, a little more attentive.
âThe push for a transfer is also in an effort to protect your reputation. I know the BAU has continued investigating Ian Doyle and while that is noble, it could go very wrong. And that much is above my head. DHS, ATF, NSA - they could all be upset by your unofficial involvement. This could go as high as Congress and could result in your permanent termination from the bureau, making you ineligible for work in federal law enforcement.â
âYes, maâam. High risk, high reward.â You shrug. âOr at least, thatâs what Dr. Reid tells me.â
A wan smile pulls at her mouth. âYes. As long as youâre comfortable with the consequences.â
âI am, maâam.â
âGood.â
+++ september 2011 +++
âAlright, buddy! You ready to go?âÂ
Jack adjusts the straps on his little backpack while Jess finishes putting his lunch together. âIâm ready. Just need lunch.âÂ
âItâs right here!â Jess says, bringing his Captain America lunchbox to him and strapping it to the outside of his backpack. âYouâve got a ham and cheese sandwich, a juice box, some carrots, and a brownie. Does that sound okay?âÂ
He nods.Â
âAnd if itâs not enough, we can always get some more food after school okay? It can be a special treat.âÂ
Jack grins and you all head off to the car together.Â
+++
The little meltdown arrives when you and Jess move to leave him at the door of his classroom. Jackâs brown eyes get wide and rapidly fill with tears as soon as you take a step away from him.Â
âJack, baby, câmere.â You drop to your knee and open your arms. He steps into them and you can feel his shaky, hiccuping breaths against your shoulder.Â
While you hold him, you hear Jess debriefing his new teacher about their current situation, and the way things are in general. Dad in Pakistan, dead mom, goes by Jack rather than Jonathan, the whole nine.Â
âYou are so brave,â you whisper into his hair. âYou are so smart. You are a good friend and you are safe.âÂ
He nods.Â
âIâm so sorry your dad canât be here, honey, but heâs going to be so excited to hear all about it as soon as he gets home. And I'll tell him how brave you are on our next secret superhero phone call.âÂ
âSecret superhero phone callâ was the best way you could describe using the sat phone (and why Jack couldn't talk to Aaron himself) so you just went with it.Â
Jack nods again, sniffling a little and pulling back. You reach for him, wiping his tears with your thumbs.Â
âI love you so much, bud.âÂ
âI love you, too.âÂ
You kiss his forehead, reminding him, âI might have to get on a plane for work, but otherwise Iâll see you after youâre done with your first-ever day of school, okay? This is so exciting!â
He finally smiles, and your work is done. When he steps into the classroom, he doesnât look back.
+++
Thankfully, youâre not pulled for another case until the end of the week, so youâre able to see Jack through his first-ever week of school.Â
It hits you more than once that youâre the person next to Jess right now while he hits these milestones. Long gone is that toddler that would giggle in his motherâs arms as she danced around the living room to Hall and Oates. In his place is an insightful little boy with a rapidly burgeoning sense of humor and a wickedly kind smile.Â
You love him.
+++Â
The entire team got an emergency call, so you're all gathered in the roundtable room when Aaron walks in, looking all the worse for wear and -
Is that a beard?
Wait. Heâs back.Â
You just spoke to him on Monday, with news of a âfew more weeks,â even in the face of developments on the Doyle case.
Fucking bastard knew he was coming home, didnât he?
All of your joy in seeing him evaporates, and you narrow your eyes at him. Just like the last time you were in this room together, thereâs an apology in his gaze.Â
âWelcome back.â Derek doesnât sound surprised, and your head whips toward him. He doesnât look at you.Â
Unbelievable.Â
âThanks. Everyone, have a seat.â You follow Aaronâs instructions, and sit, crossing your arms. Itâs childish, sure, but the balance of personal and professional life has flown out the window.Â
This feels like a personal slight, rather than a professional one. You try to push it away, but it lingers in your sternum like a lit flare. Itâs uncomfortable, and you hate it.Â
âWhy?â Derek sounds a little concerned. Your anger cools a little bit. Derek doesn't actually know anything. âWhatâs going on? Is everything alright?â
âSeven months ago I made a decision that affected this team.â You notice, brow furrowed, that JJ stands beside Hotch like an ally. They both have odd looks on their faces. âAs you all know, Emily had lost a lot of blood after her fight with Doyle.â
No.Â
âThe doctors were able to stabilize her. She was airlifted from Boston to Bethesda under a covert exfiltration.âÂ
No.Â
âHer identity was strictly need-to-know. She stayed there until she was well enough to travel. She was reassigned to Paris, where she was given several identities, none of which we had access to for her security.âÂ
No.Â
Thereâs silence, and you canât tear your eyes from Aaron. Â
âSheâs alive?â
âWe buried her...âÂ
Penelope and Spencerâs comments rush past you and you feel much like you did in the waiting room on that horrible, horrible night seven months ago.Â
âAs I said, I take full responsibility for the decision. If anyone has any issues, they should be directed toward me.âÂ
His eyes finally meet yours, and you find your vision blurred. You blink away your tears.Â
It was a necessary lie.Â
You go into this business expecting to be lied to.Â
Not by Aaron.Â
Thatâs not the issue and you know it. He left.Â
He missed Jackâs first day of school. He was gone for five months.Â
He left us.Â
âAny issues?â Derekâs disbelief is marred by hurt, but you canât reassure him through your own shock. âYeah, I got issues.â
Heâs cut off by Penelopeâs glance toward the doorway.Â
The team, save for JJ and Hotch, rushes toward her. Youâre stuck to your seat until she approaches you. At her touch, you come back to life, throwing yourself into her arms. Her name sounds strangled leaving your mouth. âEmily.â
âIâm so sorry. Iâm so so sorry.â Her grip on you is tight, but your arms, looped around her shoulders, donât feel like theyâre attached to your body.Â
She lets you go and continues to speak. Derekâs frozen, and you canât imagine for a minute whatâs going on in his head. Emily wraps around him. Heâs stock still, his eyes misty. You let out a breath you didnât know you were holding when he brings his hand to her shoulder, his cheek falling onto the side of her head.Â
Itâs back to business faster than you can blink, and now youâre sure youâre not the only one ready to kill Aaron where he stands. Derek is livid.Â
They stare at each other while Spencer starts asking questions. Eventually, they focus back. Aaron crosses to you, contributing where necessary.Â
You donât acknowledge him. Itâs horrible. You hate being so angry with him, but thereâs nothing to be done.Â
You canât be upset at him about Emily. Thereâs too much to understand, and yet the initial shock of it is like a never-ending bucket of cold water poured over your body.Â
Selfishly, you realize youâre upset with him because he didnât tell you he was coming home. Itâs so small when there are other, much bigger, issues to address.Â
Emilyâs lie is professional. Just part of the job. This one feels personal.
Youâre a child. Let it go.Â
He knew and he left.Â
He missed Haley's birthday.
He knew and he left.Â
He shouldn't have gone.Â
He didnât tell you he was coming home.
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First Line Challenge
tagged by the amazing @sweetprentiss & @proselys thank you both so much!
Rules: List the first lines of the last ten (10) stories you published. Look to see any patterns you notice yourself, and see if anyone else notices any. Then tag some friends.
1. Alexâs head is thumping by the time the team has told her everything. Itâs a lot to take in, Peter Lewis, or âScratchâ as the team call him, had managed to warp the minds of innocent people to kill their loved ones. It made her feel sick. - chapter two: i canât hear you (youâre too far away) (alex blake x reader)
2. Her fatherâs garden hadnât been this alive since before her mother had gotten ill. Reid was having an animated conversation with Hotch and her brother. Morgan and JJ had found a soccer ball and were kicking it around while Garcia and Rossi cheered from the side. - i see forever in your eyes (alex blake x reader)
3. âWhat the hell was that?â Alex yells, storming into the bathroom behind you. - what about me? (18+) (alex blake x reader)
4. âTara, wait!â You shout, weaving your way through the bustling bar in an attempt to catch up to her. - i kissed a girl (tara lewis x reader)
5. Cristina snorts, jolting you from your haze, as she slides in next to you at the nursesâ station. âYouâre pathetic, you know that, right?â - with a little luck (addison montgomery x reader)
6. Las Vegas lost its appeal the second or third time youâd been there on a case, but Rossi always managed to convince the unit chief to stay an extra night so he could go waste money in the casinos. - break the mould (emily prentiss x reader)
7. âAlexxx,â You laugh as you try and fail to wriggle out of her arms. âIâve got to go.â - see you soon (alex blake x reader)
8. Alex hurries out of her office, arms full of books and with her bag dangerously close to sliding off her shoulder. The department meeting had overrun (why they had it in the middle of the day she had no idea) so now, after having had to run back to her office for books, she was already late for the lecture she had to get to the other side of the building to teach. - chapter one: i canât hear you (youâre too far away)Â (alex blake x reader)
9. Youâre pulled away from your conversation with JJ by your daughterâs laughter filling the garden. Kara hangs off of Emilyâs back as they dance. Both of them with huge smiles on their faces and the sight causes your heart to warm. - with you, i dare (emily prentiss x reader)
10. Emily swore under her breath as she pushed her way into the motel room, her clothes and hair were absolutely drenched, and she was currently rethinking every single life decision that had led her to where she was now. - resisting you was always impossible (temily)
patterns: i switch between starting with dialogue and a more descriptive introduction - i always thought i started with dialogue more and iâm kind of glad to discover i donât?? idk. half of these intros i really donât like so lowkey wish i didnât do this lmao <3
tagging: @the-modernmary @dalexandriag16 @ellcsgreenaway @meddisonmilfsupremacy @ssajemilyprentiss @unmitigatedsuperiority @ry-kills-jemily @sapphicalexblake
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Fic Rec Friday
I am back on my CM fic bullshit people, and that means a shit ton of fics recommended by yours truly. I hope you enjoy this massively mixed bag of different ships today! (also sorry this is a bit late I forgot oops)
6 Fics
â€ïžMoya Lyubovâ by @spencerspecifics - 2.8k, 1ch, Emily Prentiss/Reader, Fluff, Team as Family, Domesticity, Established Relationship, Light Angst, Slice of Life
Based on a prompt I gave Syd, asking for a fic in which the f!reader and Emily are in a long-term relationship and she goes to visit Emily after sheâs appointed BAU Unit Chief. Filled with lots of team fluff and relationship fluff with a healthy dose of angst ;)
đ§Why Are You Scared of Loving? by @suburban--gothic - 900w, 1ch, Derek Morgan/Penelope Garcia, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, Developing Relationship, Insecurity, Protective Derek, Relationship Negotiation
Three times Derek says âI love youâ and the time Penelope finally says it back.
âïžTo Seek Comfort by @makaylajadewrites - 1k, 1ch, Derek Morgan/Spencer Reid, Fluff, Getting Together, Sharing a Bed, Insecure Spencer
After a long day, Morgan and Reid share a hotel room, but little do they know that they'll be sharing a bed too.
đȘEvery Little Transgression by The 58thAcademic - 1.6k, 1ch, Gen, Angst with a Happy Ending, Sad Spencer Reid, Parental David Rossi, Protective David Rossi, Protective Derek Morgan, Mentioned Suicide Attempt, Childhood Trauma, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Spencer Reid Needs a Hug, Episode: s03e16 Elephant's Memory, Fix-it Fic
Ok so. Elephants memory was really good because we got Reid backstory. But I'm still annoyed that he didn't defend himself against Hotch. So this was born.
đ„I canât believe you got arrested! by SSA_A - 1.3k, 1ch, Aaron Hotchner/Spencer Reid, Team as Family, Girls + Spencer Night, Misunderstandings, Humour, Fluff, Established Relationship, Slice of Life, Drinking
My take on the 'Hey I got arrested, come save me? Please?' prompt, and a side of the gay to go with it!
đNever Mess with the Queen by wlw0with0reader - 1.3k, 1ch, Jennifer Jareau/Reader, Mob AU, D/S Undertones, Protective JJ, Plus-Sized Reader, Itâs a little fucked up I wonât lie, probably best suited for 18+
JJ is a mob boss and Y/N is her princess and plus sized please!
Bonus Smut Fic... Youâre Welcome ;)
đExperimentation by @makaylajadewrites - 1.3k, 1ch, Derek Morgan/Spencer Reid, Friendship, Makeup, Smut, 18+
Marked For Later
đȘFarewell Forever by @ag-ib - 16.3k, 6ch, Derek Morgan/Spencer Reid & Gen Pairings, Hurt Spencer Reid, Whump, Episode: s02ep15 Revelations, Worried Derek, Kidnapping, Psychological Torture, Non-Con Drug Use, Beating, Seizures, Temporary Character Death, Canon Temporary Character Death, Panic Attacks, Swearing, Stabbing, Buried Alive
Tobias Hankel had their youngest agent. // Briefly, Morgan wondered if they had tried harder, driven faster, thought smarter, would Spencer ever be in this situation?
đHey Jude by asimpleword - 1.2k, 1ch, Derek Morgan/Spencer Reid
There are many things that Morgan does not know about Reid. Most of them don't suprise him. Some do.
My Fics This Week
đŻHoneysuckle - 2.3k, 1ch, Derek Morgan/Spencer Reid, Hurt/Comfort, Spencer Reid Whump, Medical Conditions, Anaphylaxis, Severe Allergic Reaction, Hurt Spencer Reid, Friendship, Badass JJ, Angst with a Happy Ending, Fluff, Established Relationship
A BAU picnic is rudely interrupted by a bee sting and anaphylactic shock.
đłThe Noiseless Crash of Crumbling Walls - 4.5k, 1ch, Gen/Derek Morgan & Spencer Reid, High School AU, Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Angst, Hurt Spencer Reid, Protective Derek Morgan, Abuse, Childhood Trauma, Friendship, Pre-Slash, Derek is almost 18, Spencer just turned 16
After Derek and Spencer are paired up on a science project in their senior year of high school, they become the closest, most unlikely friends possible. But what happens when Derek finally finds out what Spencer's dealing with at home?
or; a High School AU inspired by the prompt "where did you get those bruises?"
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