#i love every single one of them! i just gotta let myself sit down and love openly.

[queerprayers]

prayer request (cw transphobia and bad mental health, general spilling of guts)

i am a young (college age) nonbinary christian in a christian home. while my dad is an ally, my mom is not. i am home for the summer and my mom recently forced me to come out to her. it really upset her and she keeps sitting me down to ask me questions and make me explain my identity to her. she thinks i identify as nonbinary because i do not think i am good enough the way God made me. she will not call me by my chosen name or use my pronouns. she makes a point of always calling trans people by their birth names and pronouns and she is not about to start trying with her own child.

it is exhausting to live with a person who does not accept you but insists that they do and you are the one who does not accept yourself.

she told me it feels like mourning a death. she told me i’m just not thinking about how hard it is on her. that i must not care about her. i hate that i hurt her so much by trying to be authentic.

it would be so much easier to just walk it all back, to say mom i’m sorry, mom i was wrong, mom forgive me, i’m back on the right path now. i’ve always been your little girl and i always will be. it would be so easy to give up on myself for the sake of safety.

it is taking a toll on both of our mental health. it hurts to be here and i am so tired. i have five more weeks to live through until i go back to college. pray for me to have the knowledge of what is right to do and the strength not to give up on myself. pray for her too.

-ambrose (they/he)

Beloved, it's been a while, but I'm answering finally!

I'm assuming you're back at college now, and I prayed for you those five weeks, I promise. Praying for people comes much more easily to me than typing out responses!

I'm proud of you. For knowing yourself. For taking the hard but necessary road of being a person apart from others' expectations. It is so painful to be questioned like that, to have someone mourn a person you aren't anymore, and may never have been. Being outed/having to come out before you're ready is a unique pain, one that I know well.

I hear your exhaustion and your strength and however your summer went, and however your school year is going, I pray you have remembered what you typed here, that you know what you must do, that you don't want to give up on yourself, however tempting it may be.

We all hurt people in our lives, but sometimes someone is hurt by something we cannot and should not repent of. Someone being hurt by our existence is because of their own bigotry, and this is not something you have to ask forgiveness for. You have not done this to your mother. She is mourning what should not be mourned, and is burdened by things that should not hurt. She cannot see the joy of your authenticity and the respect you have for yourself, and that is not your sin to be sorry for.

I hope you recognize and honor the love that you have, to ask me to pray for your mother as well. And I have. She has caused the pain, and I have asked God to help her remember what it means to be a mother, to understand how many parents really do have to mourn their children, and what a blessing it is that you are here and willing to offer prayers for her after the harm she has done. There is time, and hope, and I pray she takes her own hard but necessary road God offers her, of repentance and willingness to grow.

I pray you are freer now. That those weeks are not still haunting you. That you have support where you are now, that you've found other safe places to be and people to love. That you remember God wants you to share in the act of creation, growing further into yourself and every day realizing more what it means to be a child of God.

Whatever paths your family members choose, there is more for you. There are safe homes you've never been to, and people you haven't met yet who love your name and use your pronouns and honor your past but do not mourn your growth, and good music you haven't listened to, and breakthroughs you haven't had. You are young, and you have so much beautiful time. You know more than most that creation is ongoing, and there is a life out there to be created. I have faith you will live out things you haven't even dared to hope for.

Keep yourself safe (even if that means biding your time, and not yet saying everything you want to), but don't lose yourself in the process. Have courage (even if that means distancing yourself from those you may love but cannot survive with). Check out your school's counseling program--they often offer some free sessions, and can help you get set up with resources (medical/social/financial). I have so much love for you, Ambrose. God is with you.

<3 Johanna

#prayer requests #god may my new laptop inspire me to catch up on the asks that have piled up!! #i love every single one of them! i just gotta let myself sit down and love openly. #i cried while answering this. #god i wish i could hold every hurt queer person and take their face between my palms and not let the broken parts of the world touch them #ever again #sadly this is all i can do right now. may it be enough lord. or at least something

[no-onah]

Is this a safe space lmao

#^^^ ​me after sharing every single thought that comes to my head btw this is funny #ugh like lemme put this into words #and god I just forgot gimme a sec #idk I’m just so sad I have the urge to cry #wait I think I remember now #basically #when it comes to me I can endure the most impossible of abuses #and I know it #I’ve been psychologically manipulated so badly I started questioning my identity really bad when I was solid on it #and you know I’d so go back #even though she ruined my whole life and I’ll never be the same again after she used + disposed of me like that #but loving someone makes even the most hellish abuses seem doable #you’ll just trot along like a wounded puppy finding solace in the storm #it’s so sick and twisted #it makes me feel so ill and sick to act like that to make myself their servant basically #and when I read fics like that I want to actually throw up but I make myself read it to help me cope #like let me paint the picture #just me crawling back to the horrible person and finding solace and warmth in their hell fire #just sitting down in front of them at their feet and hugging their leg and resting my head on their lap just cause I feel so impossibly #alone that I gotta have some one there because otherwise my body feels excruciating and like I need to rip myself off of it and just to the #point of whimpering in loneliness #THIS SOUNDS IMPOSSIBLY PATHETIC I UNDERSTAND BUT #this is what happens when you’re abused #and it doesn’t help that my head tries to normalise abuse just so I can cope and live with it #so I can love the abuser #eeeeeeee

[tgcg]

ill break your shit adam

warning for adult lang

fuck you adam sandler

youre lucky karkat likes you

stupid fuck sees an amnesiac girl

and asks her can i marry you

that lady got issues mentally

you still down to do shit anally

deplorable zit on the ass of romanza

karkat told me to put that shit in this stanza

do raps even count as having stanzas

slam poetry tyke at preschool im no manza

youd probably jack it to a log with holes if they were wet ones

sitting on that stupid dock with her papa cracking cold ones

piece of shit id push you off that dock and watch you bubbling

kick your ass like her shitty bro failed when you were troubling

penguins dont quack like fucking ducks you dumbass

thats not part of the rap i just think that youre a dumbass

back to the rap sandler i bet you couldnt drop a single bar

too busy picking up stupid women at the stupid women bar

who even let you into hawaii

also did i say karkat liked you i was kidding he wants to kick your heinie

seriously watching that shit again made him start slamming his head into the cushions and screaming i had to pry them out his hands and he almost bit me

sorry i forgot i was rapping again

piece of shit forgot that you can like women while dating other men

still not over that chuck and larry shit adam

if you just said to the gov you were bi you coulda had em

firefighter of the year? well try putting out this heat

karkats gonna beat your ass like you do every night to your meat

gotta ask is this shit wish fulfilment for you

gotta say larry deserved better than you

i could treat him way better than you not in a gay way though

i just mean youre a massive sleaze basically the worlds shittiest bro

back to 50 first dates man sandler your shit is a bore

the stupid bits with schneider got my ass addicted to snore

if i was that stupid walrus id tear your ass to shreds

if i was that penguin i would also tear your ass to shreds

itd be harder but id still do it

bro fuck adam sandler im through it

===

TT: Wow. Bravo, Dave. You've outdone yourself.

TG: i wrote this one exceptionally fucking terrible to represent my inner darkness

TG: i can never unwatch those cinematic fossilized turds theyre like time capsules devoted to everything wrong with america

TG: you dont even understand how egregious that was

TT: I can sense the utter malaise and contempt in every word. It's beautiful.

TT: One particularly interesting point I'd like to make is the fact that you managed to refer to butts in a song about a male target, 10 times in the span of 37 lines. It's not an exorbitant amount, but it appears to be a running theme in your works. Very interesting, if you ask me --

TG: nooooo

TG: nope no

TG: not this shit again

TG: listen one of them is karkats fault

===

CG: ROSE, YOU JUST DON'T FUCKING UNDERSTAND WHAT HE'S DOING HERE AT ALL.

TT: No? Please, enlighten me Karkat.

CG: GLADLY.

CG: HE STARTS OUT WITH THE FRIGGIN WORD "ANAL" PRECEDING ALL OF THE OTHER MENTIONS, OF COURSE IT'S ON PURPOSE. IT INSTILLS THAT IMAGERY IN YOUR NUGBONE THROUGHOUT THE TRACK.

CG: AND YOU MAY HAVE NOTICED A RECURRING USE OF THE WORD "SHIT", IN TANDEM. BOG-STANDARD FOR DAVE, RIGHT? NO! IT'S PART OF THE EFFECT!

CG: MY THESIS: ADAM SANDLER MOVIES ARE PIECES OF ABSOLUTE SHIT AND THE REFERENCES TO WORDS LIKE "LOG" AND "SHIT" AND "ASS" ARE TO INVOKE THE SENSE OF TAKING A MASSIVE DUMP THROUGHOUT THE SPAN OF THE RAP, WHICH BY ALL MEANS WOULD BE AN EQUAL OR GREATER USE OF YOUR TIME THAN WATCHING THOSE MOVIES.

CG: RIGHT, DAVE?

TG: … yeah

TT: Okay, I'm willing to concede to that. On this subject matter, as an avid terrible movie enjoyer, you admittedly know better than myself.

CG: SHOULD KNOW BETTER.

TT: And you love them anyways.

CG: YEAH.

TG: hes right

TG: you hear that shit hes right

TG: fuck death of the author im verifying that interpretation

#davekat #dave strider #karkat vantas #rose lalonde #homestuck #made with instrumentals of ether by nas in mind #posting early bc im impatient #comix

[pankowperfection]

Taking what's mine

Summary: JJ gets tired of your teasing, taking matters into his own hands

Warnings: smut, bondage, CNC, dub-con, JJ's dirty mouth, slight degradation, spanking, choking, oral (male & fem receiving), orgasm denial, rough sex, 18+

Another summer night, another bonfire party filled with drunk girls throwing themselves at me. But the only girl I'm interest in is y/n. She's been teasing me for weeks, eyeing me like a predator watching its prey at every single party.

She's wearing those shorts that she knows drive me crazy, barely covering her delicious ass. She makes her way over to me, throwing her legs over my lap as she leans in to kiss my cheek.

"Hi J. You look so good in this green shirt, just thought you should know." She pulls back and god I want to wipe that smirk off her face. Her manicured nails rake down over my chest to my abs, my dick stirring to life in my shorts at her proximity and her touch.

"Is that right princess? Good enough for you to finally make a move?"

What she does next surprises me, positioning herself on my lap and wrapping her arms around my neck. Before I can question what she's doing she's kissing me, her perfect lips moving against mine and making my head spin.

I circle one arm around her waist, pulling her tighter against me as the other winds into her hair, angling her head so I can deepen the kiss. When my tongue pushes into her mouth she moans, tugging on my hair roughly and making me even harder than before.

It's over as quick as it starts. She pulls away, climbing off of me and straightening out her hair. "Come on y/n, enough with the teasing. Let me take you home." I push to my feet, trying to grab a hold of her hand but she slips through my fingers once again, just like the sand on the beach.

"Sorry J, not tonight. Gotta get home before my parents do." She blows me a kiss, turning and walking up the beach towards her car. Little does show know I'm tired of this cat and mouse game. If she wants me to chase her, I will. Let's just hope she likes what happens when I catch her.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I wait in my truck until all the lights are out in the house, wanting to make sure I won't be interrupted. I quietly climb the tree outside of her window, grinning to myself when I find it already open to let the cool ocean breeze blow inside.

She looks so pretty, sprawled out mostly on her stomach with her legs spread wide, silently inviting me to come closer. I slip my bandana off my neck, tip toeing to the edge of her bed and praying she's not a light sleeper. I wrap the material around her wrists, securing them together behind her back.

"Oh you're mine now sweetheart."

Excitement floods through me at all the possibilities. She shifts onto her back, giving me the perfect view of her barely covered tits and I can't help the rush of blood below my belt. I make myself comfortable between her thighs, dragging my fingers over her smooth skin. She stirs slightly, shifting to try to get closer to my hand and I know I'm in for a fun night.

My hands make their way under her poor excuse of a tank top, massaging each breast before starting to tease her nipples. My lips press softly against her upper thigh and she moans, eyes starting to open as I make my way closer to her soaking pussy.

Before she has time to process I lean down, pulling her shorts to the side and licking a stripe from her hole to her clit. Her hips buck but I force them down, holding them open with my hands as I start to run my tongue through her folds as slowly as I can.

"JJ? What are you doing? Why am I tied up?" She starts to thrash around, trying to get free but its no use. I easily hold her down, sponging kisses all around her pussy but not quite where she wants it.

"You see princess, I'm really tired of you of you getting me all hot and bothered then slipping away. So now I'm gonna take what I want."

I sit up on my knees, pulling of the green shirt she apparently loves so much and throwing it behind me. Her eyes rake down over my body, pupils blown with lust as she gets an up close look at me. My shorts and boxers follow after, her gaze locked on my hard on as I start to stroke myself.

"Wait J, please, no. I don't want this. I'm sorry if I gave you the wrong idea."

I crawl back over her body, settling between her pretty thighs once again as I drag my fingers through her slit.

"Is that so? Then why are you so wet for me baby? Pussy doesn't lie, and yours is begging for me right now."

When I tap her glistening hole with my tip she shivers, trying hard not to look like she wants it even though her body is screaming for me to fill her.

"J please," she pleads and it just makes me want her more.

"Shhh. This isn't the part where you beg me. Not yet."

I just barely press inside, only giving her the tip and loving how her eyes roll into the back of her head.

"Try to be quiet. Wouldn't want your parents to find me in your bed and see what a kinky little slut you are, would you?"

I can't wait anymore. I snap my hips forward, filling her to the brim in one go, forcing me to bite my own lip hard to hold in the loud moan from feeling her hot walls wrapped around me.

She's squeezing me like a fucking vice grip, my abs tensing as I struggle to control myself. The idea was to torture her like she's tortured me, not go crazy in the first few minutes and fuck her into oblivion.

"Feel what you do to me sweetheart?"

I rock forward slightly, grazing her sweet spot and making her groan, her walls clenching down on me even tighter.

My hand finds her throat and I squeeze lightly, her eyes flying open to meet mine as I start to fuck her slow and deep.

"This is for all those times you teased me but didn't do anything to help. All those times I had to make myself cum with my own hand to the thought of you."

My pace gets faster, her tits bouncing deliciously in front of me as I fill her again and again. My free hand toys with her nipples, twisting each one as she arches her back under me. When I feel her walls fluttering I force myself to stop, pulling out and watching the frustration wash over her features at being denied her high.

"What the hell J? I was almost there."

I chuckle, rolling her to her stomach and pulling her hips up until her ass is high in the air for me. I can't resist the temptation, landing a sharp smack to her left cheek that instantly starts to redden.

"You think after weeks of torturing me I'm gonna let you cum that easily? No princess. You wanna cum, you're gonna have to beg me."

I push in slowly this time, watching closely as each inch disappears. She moans so loud the neighbors probably hear her, forcing me to wrap my hand over her mouth as her back meets my chest. "What did I say about being quiet?"

This angle is deeper, her moans growing in frequency as she works to meet my thrusts. I start kissing her neck, quickly finding her sweet spot and sucking a deep bruise into her flawless skin, claiming my territory.

My other hand finds her clit, rubbing in soft circles that have her trembling in my arms. "J please, I need to cum." I feel her tensing, her wetness seeping down her thighs, forcing me to slow my thrusts down to once again deny her.

"Sorry princess, only good girls get to cum and I don't think you've learned your lesson yet."

I reposition us once again, laying down on my back and pulling her to sit over my face. As I drag my fingers up her inner thigh she leans forward, coming to rest on my abs with my cock in her face. She takes the lead, sticking out her tongue and flicking it over the tip.

"Jesus baby. That's it, suck my cock and maybe I'll let you cum this time."

She makes quick work of my length, sucking me deep into the back of her throat and humming around me. God her mouth is like heaven, my balls already tightening at the feeling of her tongue tracing my shaft.

When my fingers tease her entrance once again she moans, the vibrations making my toes curl. I plunge two inside, setting a fast pace as my tongue works over her clit. The more of me she takes the more I give her, sucking her clit into my mouth and rolling it with my tongue.

She grows more desperate, throwing her hips back into my face as I replace my fingers with my tongue. Her head bobs faster, sucking me as hard as she can while her tongue massages my dick. She hollows her cheeks, giving me all she's got and earning what she wants. My balls tighten before I release, coating her tongue with my cum.

My moans push her over the edge, her thighs clamping down on my head as I continue to tongue fuck her through it. She lets me go with a pop, pressing kisses to my v lines as we both come down. I reach up to untie her wrists, rolling her off of me before leaning down to kiss her again.

This time is softer, my anger and annoyance gone after getting to take my frustrations out on her body. She wraps herself around me, pulling me on top of her while her hands push into my hair. "Fuck y/n, you'll be the death of me." She smirks, rolling her hips up to nudge at my already half hard dick. "Shut up and fuck me again JJ, I want to touch you this time."

@adventuresinobx @starkeyobx @paradisehamilton @ailee-celeste @pankhoeforlife @outerbankspov @houseofperfecttaste @drewbooooo @maybankslover @maybanks-luver @blueicequeen19 @toystory2wasjustokay @onmykneesforrafe @penny4yourthoughts @maddie-routledge @ilovetheavenger143

#jj maybank imagine #jj maybank x reader #jj maybank #jj x y/n #jj x reader #jj maybank smut #smut warning #obx imagine #obx fic #obx fanfiction #obx smut

[star-quill]

body!guard peter never letting his girl lift a finger 😍😍 and she’s so pouty about it and he’s like nah uh ur my princess <3 ur job is to look pretty

MMHM MMHM!!!!!!

im starting to love the idea of bodyguard!peter and ur a pop star who's got a crazy fanbase so you need a lot of protecting and peter's always one step behind you, making sure you're ok.

he always holds the door open for you when you get out of cars at the venues or hotels or whatever, and you can't help but blush every single time. he always checks into the hotel for you while you stand next to him, smiling at the receptionist. there are some diehard crazy fans who try and wait at your hotel to meet you and you always feel terrible for the hotel staff who have to deal with it, so the least you can do is try and make them feel less scared about it by being nice to them, or apologising about the ones waiting outside.

then you're in the lift and you sigh.

"you ok?"

"i can check into a hotel by myself, y'know.."

he smiles at you, turning to you and pressing a soft kiss to your forehead.

"i know.. but it's my job to protect you.. all you gotta do is stand there and look pretty.."

you roll your eyes, hiding your smile when you turn away from him.

when you're finally up to your room, you click the keycard in the slot and open up the door, turning to him as he walks into the room opposing.

"do you.. uhm.. wanna come in for a drink? we have a day off tomorrow.."

he hesitates, before taking the keycard out of his door slot and following you into your room.

he wanders over to your balcony as you order room service, consisting of some alcohol and some finger food. the fans outside have long gone and peter breathes a sigh of relief knowing you have some peace and quiet for a moment. he knows this job is hard, but he can never understand how you do what you do 24/7.

"how do you deal with that all the time?"

"the fans?"

he nods.

"i dunno.. you get used to it, i guess.."

you walk over to your bed and sit up against the headboard, patting the mattress next to you and inviting peter to sit. you both talk for a while until the food and drinks arrive and then you're getting tipsy—and slightly handsy.

"hey, hey.. i think that's enough wine for you tonight.."

"'m not that drunk.."

you pause as he sighs, looking over at you. you just pout at him and his face softens. then you speak up.

"did you mean what you said earlier?"

"i said a lot of things.."

"when you called me pretty.. did you mean it?"

"yeah.. yeah, i did.."

it took you no time at all to swing your leg over his lap to sit down. then you grabbed his face and kissed him. he wanted to pull away, but he couldn't. the kiss was so sweet, and not just because of the wine.

"can you promise to protect me all the time?"

"i promise.. i'll always protect my girl.."

#i cried so hard i crode #bodyguard!peter is so special to me #peter quill #peter quill x reader #peter quill drabble #peter quill smut #guardians of the galaxy #gotg #✎ peter quill #answered #anon

[crehador]

Can I ask, if you have top favorite romantic couples (can be canon or non canon) of all time from any media? Why love them? Thx :D

ANON SORRY THIS ASK HAS BEEN SITTING IN MY INBOX FOR FIVE BILLION YEARS

this is such a fun thing to think about but my brain of course is just going "ichisama ichisama ichisama" nonstop, but now i will sit down and properly try to think of a top five (like the top 10 characters ask, i'll limit this to animanga and possibly group some together; i'm also limiting myself to ONLY icsm from hpmi, or this whole list would be hpmi lmao)

1. in first place of course it is ICHISAMA FOR LIFE

using this image yet again because well it's right there in my pinned and very convenient

i am a sucker for the dumb of ass kind of heart one falling for the bad boy with a heart of gold one, ESPECIALLY when they have the friends to enemies to lovers arc that ichisama does (ok the to lovers part is obviously hc only but hoo boy it is a strong hc)

what can i say about them really besides that i am writing a fic a day for them every day this year. i think that. says it all lol

2. gotta be koyanagi/kabakura wotakoi AND kashima/hori gsnk

while i'm not saying they are identical ships they definitely fall into the same bucket for me, and boy oh boy do i love that bucket

kashima and hori make me belligerently delighted, and koyanagi and kabakura make me a special sort of feral that i don't even know how to start in on

i really like narumi and hirotaka from wotakoi too, but there's something about koyanagi and kabakura that gets to me way more. the geek4geek dynamic is just impeccable with all four of them but the

[PUTTING THE CUT HERE BECAUSE WOTAKOI SPOILERS BELOW, ALSO TOKYO GHOUL SPOILERS FARTHER DOWN]

koyanagi/kabakura wedding just gave me a special sort of glee. i just don't think there's a single thing i don't love to pieces about them, their backstory ova only makes them better

3. saaaaaaya and yuusuke from neon sign amber (aka aokise knb)

obligatory shoutout to the boys of my FAVORITE BL OF ALL TIME ok so like as far as bl goes neon sign amber is really not the most unique thing, i would say. but that's what makes it so perfect to me

i feel like a lot of outstanding bl are great in ways that are 'atypical' for bl, like how saezuru is bl, sure, but also comes with a genuinely gripping gritty yakuza plot. and many others that are highly praised tend to be praised by people going "oh this is good because it's not like TYPICAL bl" which i have feelings about but let's not get into that here

neon sign amber is my favorite because it is very much a typical bl, it has a lot of the typical tropes (guy who's been historically straight but is "gay for you" for example)

i don't necessarily love any of those tropes, but i adore what neon sign amber does with them. it is practically a cookie cutter bl, but its characters (despite existing for only one volume of a manga) live in my heart forever. it takes that "gay for you" trope and doesn't gloss over the problems that could arise in a relationship like that, instead actually addressing them in a way i found satisfying

saya especially is one of my guys of all time, and given that they're kind of obviously aokise i'm lumping them in here too. mwah

4. idolish7 YUKIMOMO MY BELOVEDS (e banri)

thought about this one a lot because i feel like i normally like them in a... normal way, so do they really make the top five? but honestly i think they do

i love their stage gay married act and i love to think that's very much rooted in a foundation of they are actually fucking in love with each other. but just that would've made them a cute but not too memorable ship to me

THEIR BACKSTORY THOUGH. MY GOD. first of all baby momo looks literally just like tdd ichiro which is a. a lot. for me. lmao but anyway setting that aside

momo discovering revale at such a pivotal time in his life, being saved by them, becoming their fans, and then being the one to replace banri after THAT happened??? and then five years later feeling like he's running out of time with yuki and ad;slkfja;lkdsfj

i'm becoming incoherent just thinking about it. anyway i guess this is kind of an ot3 for me though i like it in very much a "we are a couple and we are, as a couple, dating banri" sort of thing (not because they wouldn't ever see banri as an equal partner but because imo banri has better things to do than get too involved in that lol)

5. this last one... is so tough... i think i'm giving it to VARIOUS RELATIONSHIPS IN TOKYO GHOUL

ok this is absolutely cheating and ultimately i think what i would have to say is kaneki and hide because like. eat my face to survive is peak romance to me, sorry. as if it's my fault

HOWEVER there are just so many relationships in tokyo ghoul that i'm absolutely obsessed with. amon/akira and nishio/kimi especially!! amon and akira are so so so delightful to me, in a way similar to roy and riza fma, and nishio and kimi are just. i mean. again. eat me to survive. peak romance

(and i swear i'm not a nishio stan because of voice actor bias, i have not watched tokyo ghoul yet because i have been repeatedly and sternly warned away from it... nishio is one of my manga favorites even without the asnm factor, but good fucking lord does the asnm factor tempt me to watch)

the writing in tokyo ghoul is genuinely just so good to me. the main plot is fantastic but what really makes it is the relationships between characters, both romantic and not

(also a fan of the one-sided tsukiyama/kaneki thing going on but strictly as a one-sided thing lol, tsukiyama get wrecked (said with affection))

so i think that is. more or less where my top five would be. though it's like. it's hard. and probably always changing. those are the first beloved ones to come to my though so they will go in this post and i will smack myself in the forehead and be like "I CAN'T BELIEVE I FORGOT ______" as soon as i go to sleep probably

thank you for the ask!

#asks #thank u anon this was very fun to think about!! #anyone who has more top 5 asks are sooooo so so encouraged to send them to me :3 #(i know this one didn't even say top 5 but) #(we would've been here forever if i rambled on for longer lol)

[tss-whumper]

That sounds awful; I'd love to read it. (But maybe someone could comfort him at the end? Remy? You like Remy and Roman together, right? Right? /lh)

(okay this is ridiculously late considering that i wrote this fic at christmastime and now it's february, but here is the long-awaited sequel to christmas when you're alone!)

(cw -> attempted solitary confinement, panic attacks, mentions of emotional abuse)

word count: 1.9k

The wafting scent of Christmas dinner made Roman's mouth water, but he couldn't bring himself to summon any food. A part of him didn't think he deserved it. After all, he had been stuck here, locked in his room with a magic seal for almost ten hours now.

Usually, Roman wouldn't keep count, but it was one of the only things keeping him from going insane.

With his powers, Roman was typically able to sink in and out of any room in the mindscape, but when Janus made the magic seal at his door, it prevented his ability to do that, rendering him trapped in his bedroom, where he almost thought he could sense the walls starting to close in on him.

The laughing and chattering outside never stopped, and it was driving Roman mad. Why did they sound like they were having so much more fun when he wasn't there? Before he knew it, more tears were sliding down Roman's cheeks as he reflected on the dreadful morning he'd had.

It just wasn't fair. He had tried so hard. Everything he did was in spite of his abilities and personality. Despite being the ego, he did nothing but care for other people. Despite being insecurity, he let the other sides dig at him over, and over, and over. Every single thing he did sitting down at that Christmas tree was unnatural, and that meant that it took so much effort. But nobody seemed to care. In fact, it was almost like they made a game out of trying to break Roman, shattering his attempts at being good and obedient.

It was like they didn't want him to succeed.

The prince curled in on himself in the bed, and he was starting to sob so loudly that he grew hoarse from how much energy it was taking. But the tears kept coming, causing his body to spasm unnaturally. He was trying so hard not to choke on his own tears that he didn't even hear the signature sound of somebody rising into his room.

"Come on, girlfriend. You gotta breathe."

When a gentle hand touched Roman's back, the prince immediately flinched away, expecting an unfriendly touch. But when he smelled a very overpowering coffee-scent and saw that the hand reaching out was sunkissed tan like his instead of pale like the other sides', fear gave way to confusion.

"Sleep?" Roman whispered, "What- what are you doing here? It's only 5pm. It's not time for bed yet."

"Please. Call me Remy. And I wanted to come by and see if I could join in on the festivities," Remy said, "Even bitches like to have fun sometimes, right? I don't know. They let me hang out, but...it didn't seem like they actually wanted me around, you know? And when I saw you were missing, I asked around. Nobody gave me a real answer. So I thought I'd investigate for myself. And here we are."

And now, Remy leaned in, and he took off his sunglasses, propping them up on top of his head. He gazed at Roman with those shockingly sharp gray eyes, eyes that sought truth.

"What the hell did they do to you?"

Roman shuddered as the question was asked. It was strange and unfamiliar, as his tongue flailed to come up with an answer. Frankly, Roman wasn't used to being pitied. He wasn't used to his side of the story being heard out without being ridiculed or dismissed. And because of the events of the morning, Roman couldn't bring himself to tell and risk getting punished again.

"It was my fault," he whispered, "You should go back with them. I'm supposed to be alone. I'm...supposed to think about what I've done."

Roman expected the weight on the side of his bed to lift, and he expected Remy to sink out the moment he was dismissed, with an air of relief. Thank God he didn't have to deal with the whiny little prince anymore.

But no such thing happened. Remy only stared, and he crawled onto Roman's bed fully, his gaze never faltering for a second as his mouth pressed into a tight line. Roman could feel the rage emitting off him in waves, and the feeling made him shudder.

"What you've done?" Remy practically spat, "What did you do?"

Roman judged Remy's tone as an indication that he was angry with him. So words spilled from the prince, in a desperate attempt to correct anything wrong he might have done to vex Remy. He couldn't have somebody else hate him. He just couldn't.

"I was bad on Christmas," Roman whimpered as he held back his tears, "I was bratty, I got the others the wrong gifts, I was insensitive, I- I wasn't grateful enough for my gifts, I cried. I cried and I ruined everything, and- maybe I never should have been there to begin with. Maybe I'm the problem and I need to just- stay here. Out of the way. I never should have left my room to begin with, I-"

"Girl. Girl, calm down. Please."

Remy's gentle tone cut through Roman's hysteria as he hugged the prince tightly, attempting to ground him with his limbs. Trying to use his body to let the panicking side know that he was still on the ground. He wasn't floating away. He was here. And he mattered. His words mattered. Roman couldn't help but lean into the touch, starved of comfort and human decency.

"Please," Roman whispered desperately, "Please don't leave me, I can't be alone again, I can't. I'll do anything, I'll do anything you want, I'll never cry again, I'll never speak again. I'll make you anything you want, I'll be anything you want. Just please- please-"

"Oh, babydoll..." Remy hugged Roman closer, starting to rub circles on his back. Roman could feel the rings on his fingers, but it was comfortable. "Babydoll, please, stop. Stop talking about yourself like that. You don't have to do anything to keep me here, you don't have to pretend to be something you're not. I'm your friend. I want to help you no matter what."

Roman winced.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry- I'm sorry-"

"No. None of that, honeybun. Please?"

Remy gazed at Roman with such earnest eyes, Roman couldn't tear his own tear-filled gaze away. This was so different from what he was used to. Why wasn't Remy yelling? Why wasn't he laughing? Why wasn't he taking Roman away, why wasn't he rolling his eyes? This felt like the stuff of fantasy, something that Roman dreamed up. He stayed silent as he stared at Remy, trying to drink his presence in fully. If it was a hallucination, Roman was sure as hell going to try and enjoy it.

"You're not going to say sorry when you didn't do anything wrong. That's not gonna happen," Remy said carefully, holding Roman's trembling hands and squeezing them, "You're spiraling. You're panicking. That doesn't usually just happen to a person, especially someone like you. You're generally mentally okay, you're usually doing fine. But lately...things have been so off. And I think I know why."

Roman couldn't help but tense up, terrified of what Remy was going to say.

"Why?" he whispered, purely because he felt like he had to.

"Those bitches out there are abusing you."

"What??"

The word burst out of Roman before he even had the opportunity to control it. His mouth hung open and he felt like his entire world had turned upside down with that statement. He tried to rush to defenses, to tell Remy that it wasn't abusive to help Roman become a better person, that he deserved it, that the others would never abuse anybody.

But he couldn't speak.

Roman couldn't say a word because deep down, he was wondering if Remy was right.

None of this felt right. Instead of a person, Roman felt lately like a caged animal at the zoo. Trapped, stuck, mistreated, dirty, forced into humiliation so people could gawk at him and laugh. No matter what he did, it was always wrong. No matter how hard he tried, it was never enough. Was that really how life was supposed to be?

"Honey, do you really think it's fair that you got locked up on Christmas day?" Remy murmured, "Or that instead of a nice present, you got a book about fucking manners? The other sides out there told me everything, or rather, as much as they wanted me to tell. I'll bet there's so much more that's so shameful that they couldn't even say it. They know what they're doing is wrong. They know they're hurting you beyond repair, and they don't want to admit it because they don't want to lose their toy."

Roman flinched, and Remy shook his head quickly.

"I'm sorry," he said, "I didn't mean to say you're a toy. You're not. It's just- they treat you like one. They think they can break you over and over with no consequences. But that's wrong. There's gonna be consequences. I'll make sure of it."

"You can't," Roman said immediately, his eyes growing wide and desperate, "Please. They'll hate me. They will, I know they will. They'll think I pushed you onto them, they'll think I'm using you. I can't get punished again, Remy. Please. You don't get what it's like to be trapped here alone."

"You're right, I don't," Remy said, "But you shouldn't be able to get it either. Nobody deserves to be locked up like this, especially on Christmas. I know you can be a bit...rambunctious, Ro, but you're a good person. You're good, Roman. I know that. And I think you know that too."

"I-..." Roman deflated. "I don't know. No matter how good I try to be, it's just not good enough for them. And what's the point of goodness if it doesn't help the people around you?"

"That's the thing, babydoll, you are helping the people around you," Remy reassured, starting to gently run his fingers through Roman's thick, curly auburn locks. "Virgil hasn't taken off those shoes. They fit him perfectly. None of them had to take on the burden of decorating the house, or arranging the gifts to look pretty, or setting the table with milk and cookies. That was you, honeybun. That was Roman. Nobody else. The Christmas magic doesn't come from anybody else here. It comes from you. No matter what they have to say about it, you created all this. Without you, this holiday wouldn't be in the mindscape at all."

Roman opened his mouth to speak, but he was just overwhelmed. He started to smile, almost deliriously. It felt so good to be seen, to be recognized in such away, to get attention that wasn't bad. And Remy was somebody that Roman had always admired. Confident, cool, sassy, always able to stand up for himself, no matter what. Remy was the type of person that Roman wished he was more like. And here he was, helping him, reassuring him, telling him how much he mattered and showing him what made him special.

Roman couldn't have asked for a better Christmas present than that.

"Thank you," he whispered, "I'm sorry. Merry Christmas. I...should have gotten you a present."

"Hmm, I know a present you can give me," Remy said with a gentle smirk, "Can I have a magic hug from my magic boy?"

Roman laughed breathlessly and threw himself once again into Remy's arms, relishing in the endless warmth that the man gave, marveling at how he always managed to smell like a warm, fresh cup of coffee sweetened with honey.

"You're magic too, Remy," Roman whispered, curling up closer to Remy and hiding his face in his chest, so Remy wouldn't see how his face went red. "You helped me believe in Christmas again."

(i hope this was some nice food for my rosleep shippers! also i'm sorry this is literally a month and a half late. uh...things happened! but i'm sure a bit of christmas magic is great no matter what season, right? thanks for reading!!! and feel free always to put in an ask if there's anything else whump writing wise you wanna see from me!)

#christmas when you're alone #sanders sides #tss #thomas sanders #whump community #whump writing #roman sanders #sanders sides fanfic #sanders sides fanfiction #sanders sides fic #tss roman #whumpee roman #caretaker remy #tss whumper writing #panic attacks #emotional abuse #christmas whump #holiday whump

[lunagojo]

My Favourite Anime Boys When Their S/O Has Had a Bad Day ~

(a/n: Having an awful day today so I decided to write this in an attempt to comfort myself, I hope it offers some comfort to you guys too <3)

Featured Characters: Satoru Gojo, Shoto Todoroki, Erwin Smith, Tengen Uzui, Bakugou Katsuki, Kyojuro Rengoku, Gundham Tanaka

Gojo Satoru

When he first gets the text from you that you've had a crap day he immediately up and leaves work (he's literally in a meeting with the higher ups and is just like "K gotta go BYE")

As much as Satoru enjoys teasing you, you are extremely important to him and all he wants is to see you happy

Will stop by a cafe on the way and get 10 million sweets and cakes for you, money's no object to him, especially when it's for you

As soon as he gets home he's sweeping you into his arms and mooshing you against him, allowing you to just melt into him

If you need to cry he will let you do so into his uniform as much as you want, he'll rub your back and whisper soothing words to you

Though after you calm down, he'll wipe your cheeks with his fingers and say: "Even when you're all snotty and teary you look so cute, Y/N. But I do like your smile a lot better~" He'll grin at you, eager to at least make you giggle

Todoroki Shoto

Shoto does his best, ok

He doesn't exactly know what to do, when he sees you upset? He wishes he knew what to do, exactly, because he hates seeing you sad

"Do you want to talk about it, Y/N?"

He'll patiently sit and listen to you if you do want to talk, if not, he'll completely understand and hold you close, stroking your hair comfortingly

Shoto will ask you what you'd like for him to do, if there is anything he can do, to make you feel better

You want takeout? Sure, of course! You want to cuddle? He's all yours, no complaints whatsoever. You want to watch your favourite movies? He's already got them in the DVD player

When he sees the smallest smile on your face his heart swells. He wants you to know that he's always there for you, whatever you may need

Erwin Smith

Tbh Erwin's most likely at work when he gets word from you about your day

He's another one that will drop everything and come home to you

You're important to him, he wants you to know that, and he'll be damned if anyone tries to keep him from you, especially on a day like this

He's a textbook gentleman, okay (i friggin love him ugh) so he'll stop and buy you flowers on his way back

He wants you to talk to him about what happened, so you can get it out of your system and hopefully feel better

This man is a master of motivational speeches so you'd best believe he's going to list every single thing that makes you strong and capable of moving on from this bad day

He's always so supportive and reassuring toward you, he truly thinks the world of you

Tengen Uzui

(hnnnnngh)

If Tengen knows you've had a crap day, so do his wives

They are ALL there for you immediately

Hinatsuru is cooking your favourite meal, Suna is clinging to you, Makio is cussing out whoever made you upset

Meanwhile Tengen is kneeling in front of you telling you how flamboyant and amazing you are to him, and how a simple bad day isn't going to change that

He will literally envelop you in his arms, have you rest your head in his boobs pecs, and let you vent as long as you need to

All of them are reassuring you of how special you are to them, and how much they love you

You'd all fall asleep that night in a big tangle of limbs, it looks uncomfortable as hell but damn if you don't feel loved

Bakugou Katsuki

WHO THE F DOES HE HAVE TO KILL FOR MAKING YOU UPSET--

Seriously this man will 100% fistfight someone if he needs to, NOBODY makes you feel this way

Though when you eventually calm him down and explain what exactly happened, that it was just a bad day, he gets it

We all know this guy's a great cook, right

So...he will cook for you

He tends to be a bit softer when you're sad, 'cause he knows that you're not really in an emotional place to handle his...you know, name-calling

Though of course he's only really soft for you in private, he can't let Kirishima or Kaminari see him like this (he'd never hear the end of it)

He'll cuddle with you until you feel better <3 (all while explaining that he'd like to kick your bad day in the ass)

Kyojurou Rengoku

He will not stop until you're smiling again

Doesn't matter what he has to do

Lend you his haori to snuggle up in, sit in silence, vent everything? Whatever you need, he's there

He gets that sometimes you don't feel like talking and he assures you that it's okay! But he will sit you down and explain in detail every little thing about you that he loves and admires

(I'd start crying all over again honestly)

Enlists the help of Senjuro in cooking your favourites

He'll hold you close, arms wrapped firmly around you, your head tucked under his chin

I feel like he gives just the absolute best hugs

If you're crying, he'll wipe your tears away with his thumbs before kissing your forehead gently, "Don't worry, Y/N. You're a fighter, and I know you'll fight to make tomorrow a better one."

Gundham Tanaka

He's another one who doesn't really know what to do, at first

At first he'll just...pat your head a bit?

But then he realizes that it's not really doing much to comfort you so he'll plonk himself down beside you, wrapping an arm around you and pulling you close

The Devas climb out of his scarf and snuggle up to you on your shoulders

"My darling...do not let the ills of this dimensional coil upset you. For you are stronger than that, my Ruler of Ice."

He may be a bit cryptic, but he does mean well, and he means every word he says

After all, not just anyone can touch his poisonous skin, to him you are an ethereal, magical being

He knows what your favourite animal is, so he'll 'summon' whatever it may be

If all else fails he calls Sonia for help, and she comes bearing with fancy cakes and sweets for you all to share ;3;

#i hope you are all having an okay day today #jjk x reader #satoru gojo x reader #mha x reader #bnha x reader #shoto todoroki x reader #bakugou katsuki x reader #demon slayer x reader #kimetsu no yaiba x reader #tengen uzui x reader #kyojuro rengoku x reader #danganronpa x reader #gundham tanaka x reader #aot x reader #snk x reader #erwin smith x reader #gojo satoru #shoto todoroki #bakugou katsuki #gundham tanaka #erwin smith #tengen uzui #kyojuro rengoku

[thecollectionsof]

dayasco + “what did you just say?”

it's a long one for you this time as a sorry for making you wait!! anyways it's a secret admirer college au oops <3

“What did you just say?”

Shit. 

“Gotta go, love you, bye!” She hangs up the phone without letting Crystal get another word in, then slowly turns her body from the position she was in, reclining on her bed, towards the new voice. And there they are, arms crossed as they lean against the door frame, one brow cocked. 

“Bosco! I, uh—”

“No, say that again. I wanna make sure I heard you right.” They’re still leveling her with that same stare, and Daya can’t help the way her shoulders shrink. She can’t glean anything from her expression. She’s terrified.

“I… was joking?” she tries.

“You weren’t,” Bosco hits back immediately. 

Daya sighs. This is not at all how she wanted this to go, not anything like she’d planned. She should’ve known to be more careful talking about stuff like this, especially when she gave Bosco the key to her apartment and told her that she could “just come in anytime”. 

She’s never regretted that more than she does right now. 

“Well?”

“I told Crystal that I was going to leave a flower with the next note to you because I thought you’d like it.” She looks at anything but Bosco, gazing intently at the pillow beside her as if it could hide her from Bosco’s gaze. 

“As in, you left the notes? Every single one?” 

Daya shrinks into herself even more at the clarifying question. What’s she supposed to do? She’s been leaving the notes for months, all of them containing the things she wishes she could say to them that make it obvious that Daya likes them more than platonically. 

It started small, as these things often tend to start. Little notes left in her bag complementing her wheezing laugh, or her eyes, or the way she rolls her eyes when fucking Dylan opens his mouth to “play devil’s advocate” in every single one of their Queer History classes—why he took the class in the first place is something they were both still trying to figure out. 

But then she couldn’t help but write more, complimenting the way she spoke when she was passionate or the way her face would say what everyone else was thinking when she was fed up with fucking Dylan again. She would write notes confessing to each and every thought of hers—those that didn’t sound too weird, at least—and slip in into her bag or onto her desk during Queer History, and in one case she even had a friend help her do it when she wasn’t there to avoid suspicion. And it had worked perfectly, until she had to go and fuck it up by talking about it.

“Yeah,” she admits, subdued and cautious, “I left them. Every single one.”

Bosco moves, but Daya can’t see how, too busy staring at the pillow. 

“Daya.” She must take another step closer to her, because she’s blocking some of the light of her lamp. It’s darker. “Daya, look at me, baby.”

Baby.

Daya’s head moves to look up at her almost of its own volition, bolstered on by the pet name. It wasn’t uncommon for them to use pet names for each other, but she wouldn’t use one if she was mad at Daya. Right?

She sits on the bed in front of her, putting one hand on her leg, “God, Daya, I’m so fucking glad it was you.” Bosco’s looking at her hopefully, but takes pity on her when she gets nothing but an uncomprehending look in response. “I’ve had the biggest crush on you since the first day of class. Do you know how hard it was to get these beautifully romantic notes from a secret admirer and trying to work myself up to tell them that ‘your dream date for the two of us sounds perfect but I have someone in mind already’?”

Oh.

Oh.

Bosco liked her back. Bosco thought the date that she’d detailed in one of her last notes was perfect. Bosco was going to turn down the secret admirer for her. 

Bosco was watching her, one hand still on her thigh as her thumb rubbed back and forth soothingly. She knew just what Daya needed, and Daya liked her so much for it.

“You like…” me? The notes? Daya knew what she wanted to know but didn’t know how to ask.

“Yeah, baby. I like you, I like the notes, I like every single thing you wrote for me.”

“Okay,” Daya says. And then she blinks, then blinks again. What are you supposed to do now? She confessed and it went nothing like how she planned. Bosco likes her back, and now they’re sitting on the bed together. So what now?

“Y’know, you did say that you’d love to kiss me to see what chapstick I’m wearing. And I put on chapstick, so…” Bosco nudges, and for the first time that conversation she looks flustered. It’s cute. She wants to kiss her.

So she does. She surges forward, knocking their noses together as she connects their lips. She can smell Bosco’s perfume, or maybe it’s her hair? Bosco, to her credit, grabs Daya as she goes to pull away and brings her in again.

“You didn’t kiss me enough. I’ve been waiting months for this, you’re not done,” she says against Daya’s lips as they go in for another kiss. It’s achingly sweet, as if both of them were saying finally, finally, finally. 

When they pull away, Bosco’s face breaks into a smirk. Daya can’t help but smile back, happy and overwhelmed and ecstatic and pleased. 

“Was getting all those notes worth it?” she asks, and Bosco snorts. 

“You’re such a bitch! I really thought Jasmine was leaving them!” Bosco says, shoving her playfully as she lets out a wheezing laugh. Daya can’t help but grin.

“I got her to help me so you wouldn’t catch on,” she admits. It’s easy to talk about it now that Bosco knows, even if it still makes her cheeks heat up a bit in embarrassment. “We may argue a lot, but she’s like a sister to me. A little, bratty, loud, not-Crystal sister. She said that she’d help as long as she was invited to the wedding, so… it was a good deal for me.”

“Idiot. You’re an idiot.” Bosco’s beaming, a wider smile on her face now than she’d ever seen her sport before. They lean over and kiss her again, and again, and again. “You’re so stupid and I like you so much.”

#anon #prompts! #gi writing? it's more likely than you think #dayasco

[mobius-m-mobius]

I'm the anon who asked for Owen Wilson film recs—thanks so much to you and all the anons who gave recommendations!! It took a while to find time to sit down for a film, but I watched the trailers for just about every recommendation in the meantime and ended up being won over by Bottle Rocket. Which I have now watched and rather adored. And based just on the performance, not knowing anything about the behind the scenes aside from that Owen and Wes Anderson wrote the script together, I feel no confusion over Wes responding with 'guess I've gotta make this guy my muse for the next decade or so'. I mean yes I couldn't adore him more as Mobius, but watching him in a completely different role does really help drive home that huh. yup. this guy sure can act

I mean I thought all the performances were great, but I'd be lying if I said my eyes weren't glued to Dignan every time he was on screen. An absolutely captivating performance and character. That silly little guy broke my heart in two. Just wants to be part of a team and has bright eyes and a warm heart and not a shred of emotional competence. Everyone likes him and there are a few who love him and he tears apart their lives or his every time he draws them into his orbit. And he made me SAD and I LOVE him.

Omg hi again anon, absolutely love that you've already found some time to journey into his filmography and you couldn't have chosen a better character to start with 🥰

In what seems like a running theme with Owen I'd say Bottle Rocket is probably the most underrated Wes movie (which I'll never understand because it's incredible!!) and would be my own top favorite if The Darjeeling Limited weren't so dear to me but even then it's a close call! So cool to hear your thoughts on Dignan mirror mine exactly, he's one of a kind and just utterly heartbreaking in the most amazing way that somehow you still want, almost need more of even though you know how the story will end every single time?? Which speaks to how the others can't help but keep coming back because I found myself thinking I'd do the same, lol.

Not to mention since it's Owen's first movie there really couldn't be a better contrast to Mobius because what I love about roles of his where he's clearly been involved from a writing perspective too is how his range shines?? For example there's so much of his own personal sense of humor in Dignan that's been carried through the rest of his films and is present in Mobius too, not to mention how they both radiate such bright, genuine energy every time they enter a room but then all other ways they carry themselves and interact right down to each various microexpression are naturally different and equally fascinating.

Thanks so much for the ask and for letting me know what you chose, really hope this is a sign you'll find even more characters of his to love waiting in your future!! 😍💕

#truly while mobius is my fav always the second spot varies and dignan occupies it way more often than not he's WONDERFUL and tragic #i just have too many Thoughts and Feelings™ about every character owen's ever played which sounds impossible... and yet 😅 #there isn't anyone who's done it like him or ever will again he's a actual revelation <333 #tysm again for the ask!! everything you wrote brings me right back and you really do have even more amazing experiences ahead #love of love and hope your weekend's been great 💖 #ask

[girlfriendsofthegalaxy]

tuesday again 10/11/22

in which i read a book but completely fail to discuss it

listening Bloody! Bloody! by Junie & TheHutfriends. self-described indie pop, incredibly fun chorus! the same sort of frantic plinky..banjo? undertones that i liked so much in my absolute favorite song of hers, The Consequence of Imagination Is Fear.

very good spooky halloween song. i truly do love this band so much for how fucking Weird it is.

And you’re driving with your hands, not believing all the bleeding, and they’re calling you- Bloody! And the knife sits gleaming in the red back seating, and they’re calling you- Bloody! And they’re all still screaming in your head, and their lips dead, calling you- Bloody!

there are a couple creatives where i'm like "yes i WOULD like a new Frog Detective/twine novel/something every year, where i have a marvelous time for forty minutes and it's a little self-contained experience". this band goes in the same brain bucket, bc it feels like it is as much an excuse to collage and make felt puppets as it is to release a new single once every few months. now i am projecting bc i do not know this lady or her process, but i would like more people to be able to make art where i the art enjoyer get a little thing every once in a while, without the artist feeling the crushing need to be a professional artist hitting it big in order to make the art and any sort of living also.

-

reading The Man In The High Castle by Philip K. Dick.

i had to think really fucking hard about if i wanted to talk about this book, bc like a lot of older scifi it critiques the problems of its time but is also very much a product of its time. and i then i remembered that i'm going to do what i want forever until i die :) and then i didn't really have time to even discuss this book much at all :)

let's yoink the description straight off wiki

The Man in the High Castle (1962), by Philip K. Dick, is an alternative history novel wherein the Axis Powers won World War II. The story occurs in 1962, fifteen years after the end of the war in 1947, and depicts the political intrigues between Imperial Japan and Nazi Germany as they rule the partitioned United States. The Grasshopper Lies Heavy is a novel-within-the-novel which is an alternative history of the war in which the Allies defeat the Axis.

i do enjoy how scifi, especially older scifi, often refuses to resolve neatly or at all. this one left me unsettled. this is not a bad thing! it is unsettled in a way that is un-fan-ficcable. it is unsettled in a way that even though Philip K. Dick planned a sequel, he couldn't bring himself to write one bc the research for this book was so depressing. i do think i gotta let this one percolate in the back of my brain a bit, bc i don't have any useful thoughts aside from "wow yeah this series of events is totally plausible and plays out in a very 'yup i can see that happening' way". this entry is more setting down a marker to myself that i can in fact read full length books. maybe even do it again

how did i find it: this entry came about through a perfect confluence of events: i read this all in one sitting (rare) after seeing it in a thrift store earlier that day (also rare) and thinking "this probably isn't a book i'll reread, does my library have it" (near-miraculous).

-

watching Ōtomo Katsuhiro, director of Akira, has done three...whatever the animated version of a book of short stories is. is it just an anthology also??? anyway i watched Memories (1995) back in july, adored it, half the soundtrack is on my regular roulette wheel of data entry music, and i finally looped back around and watched the other three anthologies he was part of this week.

didn't like them as much! it is eleven forty three pm as i write this so i will not be going into great detail. overall impressions only.

robot carnival (1987) i did not care for very much at all. i think it is the weakest overall of the four both in animation and in story. it did give me this baller screenshot.

neo tokyo (1987) absolutely off the fucking chain with animation flexes. stories overall were not as strong as memories (i am going to be thinking about the first short in memories until i die probably). i have never seen such a perfectly animated cat that nobody seems to have really giffed? unrelated in a different short, i have never seen fire animated like that and now all other animated fire looks wrong.

short peace (2013) i liked much more both on strength of animation and strength of storytelling. "possessions", wherein a wandering samurai takes shelter from a storm in a shrine to...discarded objects? charmed me the most.

-

playing Card Cowboy by a large assortment of people and published by Luckshot. available PWYW on itch and it's like three american bucks on steam. you're out seeking "Revenge against the Gunman who killed your dad, wooed your mom, and kicked your dog" in a procgen fashion gathering cards board-game-style to progress along a web of little location options. and the little opening animatic has the best royalty-free morricone i've ever heard

this is a very polished game with all the quality of life features and smooth art one expects from a card game. it wants to be a phone game really badly.

this is not a moral judgement or a dig at how fun it is, bc it's very fun, but the whole time i played it i thought about how much fun it would be to play on my phone.

at one point i had three bandits, a wife, a baby, a baby horse (the game did not call it a foal don't @ me), and a gold lasso. the next turn i got Blood Money from sending the foal off to compete in the rodeo.

the below is how i got a baby

the below is how i lost the baby

this game is very easy to tell stories about like "oh yeah did you get the blood money from sending the foal off to the rodeo???" which is always super fucking helpful in both game discovery and selling the damn thing. extremely streamable bc it is procgen. i hope it sells a billion copies.

-

making having a fancy bathroom makes me feel like a rich bitch so i got a new shower head. the shower head of course did not fix the abysmal water pressure in this house but it does have an additional detachable head so possibly i will actually clean my bathtub more often. got to use a big fuckoff pipe wrench to take the old showerhead off which was fun. other than recaulking the little escutcheon to the shower wall (annoying) this was a fairly quick and painless process. suspicious. shower head here except i did not spend seventy five dollars on it, that’s ludicrous, i found a new in box one on eBay for thirty bucks.

in other news, acquired the Perfect double breasted trench coat in the Perfect length, it’s got the belt, the wool lining is intact, it’s in decent shape except for the horrible stain on the front. so it’s at the dry cleaners to see if anything happens. the armscyes are just a hair too tight for me in a thin tshirt to lift my arms over shoulder height without looking stupid as fuck so i may find a tailor if i ever want to wear it with a sweater or something. i cannot stress enough how much it is the perfect cut and the perfect length for me. i am willing to invest some dollars in a good classic trench coat i will hopefully have for the next twenty years.

#tuesday again #tuesday again no problem

[mattydemise]

12:50. September 23rd, 2022.

I haven't come up with a cocktail special for the day yet. Not feeling gin for the special this week. Whiskey maybe? Whiskey cocktails don't sell as well though. Rum is consistent but can be bland and doesn’t get ‘em wet enough. Maybe come up with some sort of spiced rum cocktail for something different and then have a couple of 18 year olds order the cocktail and change all the components until it’s just a rum and coke. Gotta love that. The customer is always right. But are they? I’ll let you decide that one. I’m expecting it to be extremely busy tonight but I need to put this restless energy to good use. Push myself and push myself further still. No food, no nourishment, just ice water and perseverance. Raw attitude and balls full of testosterone. Sounds like a disaster waiting to happen. My kind of scene. Hopefully I get a fuckload of teenaged girls in asking for tequila shots and shutting down every single fucking one of them, “This isn’t a club, we don’t sell shots here. The pub is just down the road and they’d be more than happy to accomodate you.” Just try me, sweetheart, I will throw your ass out of the bar myself and that short skinnyfat fuckstick you’re riding whenever you get pissed enough to tolerate his touch. Bring on the school holidays! I will shatter dreams, break hearts, and not think twice about it. In the immortal words of B.B. King, “You gotta pay the cost to be the boss.” So come in, sit in the lounge, order a cocktail or three, have a blast, but piss me off and I will eat your soul and own the next twenty generations of your family. Grand Final weekend (basically Australia's equivalent of the Super Bowl) is always a pressure cooker and during these rarified times. It’s a public holiday that people generally turn into a long weekend and so I will tolerate no shit from anyone, under any circumstances. No careless big pours or chitchat this weekend. It’s all business. Trench fucking warfare. I’m going to hit the weights hard before work. I’m going to tax my muscles and go into a debt that’ll sorely regret over the next few days. I can’t wait. If I’m going to be restless and uncomfortable I’m going to let my body know I won’t tolerate its weaknesses and bullshit. It’s going to be kicked down, bare knees in rough gravel, and it’s going to fucking work. 

#mattobsidian #writing #words #thoughts #text

[megsssshie]

Period Troubles

CONTENT: fluff, fem!reader, blood cuz uh periods duh

WORD COUNT:

A/N: FLUFF ahhhhhhh its basically a rewrite of my secret santa write that i wrote for horimiya&lt;3, 4 daysss wooohhooo

Such a rarity, for Megs to wake up before I do, especially on a Saturday, when there’s no reason to be awake before noon in his eyes. None the less, here he is, the first one awake as the sun filters in through the blinds that were accidentally left open. There’s a gentle smile on Meg’s face as he looks over and admired my sleeping form, faced away from him, softly snoring. The blanket had long since been kicked nearly off of the bed entirely overnight, the summer heat proving to be too much for me and my human-furnace of a boyfriend. (hes so hot literally and figuratively)

His eyes trail lower, shamelessly admiring my body, until he spots something that has his eyes going wide. My black shorts show no staining, which is exactly why I wear them in that shade during my period, though there is a small patch of blood staining the cream colored sheets.

Megumi panics for a minute, wondering whether he should wake me or not, before deciding that no, he has to take care of me! He doesn’t want to embarrass Ashie, because he knows if he handles this wrong,I'll start crying, and Miyamura cannot think of a single worse thing than seeing my beautiful face full of tears first thing in the morning. Absolutely not, not on his watch!

So, he gets out of the bed, slowly so as not to wake me up, and slips into the bathroom, filling the tub with hot water and popping in one of my lavender scented bath bombs. For extra measure, he snags the vanilla candle from the counter that he knows I love, and gives it a light inside of the bathroom. Before waking me up, he makes sure to grab me some water, and some pain relievers just in case, then he finally kneels in front of my sleeping form and gently shakes my shoulder, softly saying my name, urging her to wake up.

Groggily I open my eyes, squinting at the boy gazing at me with nothing but love swimming in his deep green eyes while he smiles at her. “Morning, princess!” He says with a bright grin, making it impossible not to smile back at him.

“Morning, Gumi,” I yawn, interrupting myself as I rub my eyes. “What’s up,baby?”

“I got a bath ready for you.” He says sweetly, though I only give him a confused look.

“Thank you, but.. why?”

Moment of truth, Megumi, gotta pick the right words here!! “I wanted to wake you up with a nice surprise!” He lies, with plenty of truth to back it up. Because truly, he does love waking Ash up with cute surprises every now and then, I often do the same to him. Usually it’s whoever wakes up first making the sleepyhead breakfast in bed, though I'm not about to turn down a nice bath to wake me up.

“You’re so sweet, Gumi and I love you!” I smile up at him hazel eyes shinning, and he doesn’t even let me sit up in the bed before he’s scooping me up into his strong arms, carrying me into the bathroom effortlessly, spurring some giggles from me before he sets me down so I can strip and exchange my pad for a tampon. “I’ll go make you your coffee,cutie.” He excuses himself before I can start, still not.. super comfy with watching me insert tampons yet. But he tries because he loves me with all his heart.

While her coffee brews, Megumi starts stripping the sheets from the bed, balling them up and hauling them to the laundry room to get them washed. After the washer is on, Megumi returns, fixing my coffee exactly how I like and bringing it into the bathroom, setting it on the small wood table I keep by the tub, and placing a kiss on to my smiling lips.

“Do you need anything else, little one?” He asks sweetly. My hand caresses his cheek as I smile up at him, pure adoration in my hazel eyes.

“No, I’m okay. Thank you, handsome. Wanna join?”

“Of course!” He beams, stripping himself down and sitting down behind me when I scoot forward to let him. As if he’d ever turn down an opportunity to be close to you like this! (especially when we both are naked). I hum in contentment as I lean back against his chest, Megumi's strong arms wrapped around my waist as his lips place featherlight, ticklish kisses on the skin of my neck.

The two of us soak for awhile, discussing what we should do with the rest of their free day, seeing as though we got a much earlier start than anticipated and we still needed to prepare for my birthday. I decided on taking a little hike, and bugging my mother and father afterwards, maybe inviting them over for movies, or going out to eat somewhere to celebrate her birthday. Eventually, My coffee cup goes empty, the water goes tepid, and the two of us decide to rinse off and get dried off.

When we both exit the bathroom to go grab a change of clothes, my brows knit together in confusion immediately after I turned around after dressing myself, seeing that our bed is now bare.

“Oh! I forgot to put new sheets on!” Megumi exclaims, pulling on some shorts and quickly reaching into the linen closet. This does very little to quell my curiosity, possibly quite the opposite.

“How come you changed the sheets?” I questioned, and the way Megumi freezes like a deer caught in headlights makes my confusion grow, until my mind jumps to a conclusion.. the spontaneous bath, waking me up early, the pain relievers I saw on the nightstand.. oh no.. I gasped, covering my mouth as realization sets in and embarrassment threatens to consume me whole. “I’m so-“

“No!” Megumi cuts me off, dropping the sheets and rushing to my side, pulling my flush against him. “Nonono, don’t apologize, don’t feel bad! It’s okay, I promise! I didn’t tell you cause I didn’t want you getting all upset..” There are tears lining my hazel eyes when I looked up at him, and Megumi dons the sad puppy-dog look he always gets when he sees me upset. But when he actually takes a minute to look closer, he can tell that my tears aren’t out of embarrassment, but.. happiness?

“You’re the sweetest boyfriend in the whole entire world!” I sobbed, pulling him close again, crying against his muscular chest. Megumi sighs in relief as he gives my body a squeeze, thankful that Im not upset.

“I just wanted to take care of my little princess,” He speaks with a smile. “You deserve the best.”

“I have the best. God, I love you so much!” my hands cup his cheeks, eagerly smashing my lips with his, making him chuckle into the kiss.

“I love you too, princess!” He pecks my lips again. “You hungry? Wanna go down to that cafe we’ve been wanting to try?”

“I’d love that.” My smile lights up the room to Megumi, so radiant that it never fails to take Meg’s breath away. While I slip back into the bathroom to do my hot pink hair, Megumi fixes the sheets and throws on a shirt, giving me one last kiss before the us of them leave the apartment and walk to the new cafe, where baked goods and yummy drinks await.

© ashieluvsmegs — do not steal, plagiarize or repost any of my works. translations + modifications are not permitted.

#[誕生日}---Ashiessspeakss<3 #[愛] Love you #love ashie

[emotionallydrainedtrash]

Hi, could I please have a stranger things matchup? Any gender works! I’m a bisexual female (18), an Aquarius, and INFP (if you’re into that sort of thing). I’m 5’5, light skinned Hispanic with short brown hair with the bottom half bleached (which is always being dyed or impulsively cut in some way). The ends are always curled up like Alice from Twilight if that helps you picture it lol. Personality wise-I’m not a very outgoing person? Unless I feel very comfortable with someone- so usually I’m super shy to start with. after I’m comfortable though?? I can be ALL OVER THE PLACE and I feel like I’m the funniest person when I’m with the people who share my humor. For the most part- total introvert. I usually try my best to make situations as lighthearted as possible- whether that’s by making myself look stupid, or joking around as much as I can. my hobbies include theatre arts, film, and acting as a whole. A total theatre nerd... embarrassingggg lmao. Listening to literally ALL types of music, painting, and rewatching the same movies 100 times over are also some of my favs. Horror movies ESPECIALLY. Anyways- thank you so so much!! Don’t feel rushed!! You are amazing. <3

My first match-up!!! This is so exciting omg. Thank you for your kind words, they mean the world. Now sit back, relax, and let's get into the syntax.

Masterlist + Request Info

I ship you with...

Jonathan!

I feel like you guys would get along really well and would be such a dynamic duo.

You would 100% make each other mixtapes and would probably call at like, 11:00 at night just to tell each other about this new song you heard.

You mentioned painting and because of that I think you'd get along great with Will and would become like his big sister. Watching you interact with his little brother so well would make Jonathan just 😍😍😍. You'd paint Jon stuff and he'd save every single one and hang them up everywhere until they're almost snaking out his door.

You're both introvert-turned-extrovert around loved ones and I think that would make communicating really easy for you guys.

We know Jon is a buff with a camera and would love to make little movies about you in his spare time and then set up a little theatre for you to watch them.

Movie marathons but you've got a penchant for horror. You'd go all out: turning the lights down, bowls of popcorn, blankets, coffee to stay up, etc. You'd definitely be involved with all the funky Upside Down stuff so the two of you would get spooked easier after those shenanigans and you'd curl into his chest and he'd wrap his arms around protectively whilst trying to hide that fact that he's shaking a lil' bit and I just- that should be me😭.

You would be part of the Hawkins High Drama Club and he'd totally run lines with you. He'd get so into it too, like he'd be taking it more seriously than you and you'd have to remind him that you're gonna be the one performing. You belting out songs and him taking pictures of you in your element. 👌👌

I think he'd be obsessed with learning more about your culture. He would sit and listen to you talk him through each aspect and tradition and would LOVE the food. Hispanic cultures really do got some of the best munchies bro. Seeing you in your traditional clothing would make him so proud.

He would be so incredibly supportive of your sexuality (a/n Bi buddies☺️) and would have a little pin of the Bi flag that he keeps pinned on the inside of his jacket in support of you. He was so proud when you came out to him-cause it's the 80s and we were not favoured by most-and he'd kiss you and tell you he loves you no matter what and that he's proud of you for being so brave and he's grateful that you felt you could trust him enough to share that information. I could also see you being a sort of mentor to Will, like guiding him through coming to terms with everything and that sort of thing, which Jonathan would be so grateful for.

Joyce loves you, I gotta say it. You're welcome over anytime.

He loves cheek kisses.

He helps you dye your hair and is actually so good at it?? He wants to help you cut it but you refuse, that's your job. You don't trust him with the scissors, I mean we all saw his hair in S4. Absolutely plays with your little curls, he just loves your hair.

Overall I think you guys would be such a cute couple and would be the 'It' couple to so many people. You're the blueprint for Lucas and Max tbh. And Mike and Will. Mike takes notes from you sometimes for El. You guys love each other to pieces and would do anything for each other. I👏🏻need👏🏻to👏🏻see👏🏻it.

I can also kinda see you with

Robin!

A lot of your relationship with Jonathan could apply to Robin as well.

You'd have a hard time convincing me that Robin's not a theatre kid so you'd totally do duets and get so into it. Like tears would be shed.

She'd steal movies from work every Friday and you'd stay up till' 2:00am watching them. If you fell asleep she'd pause the movie and wrap a blanket around you like a burrito before snuggling up with you and also falling asleep.

So many forehead kisses.

Going on dates is hard cause homophobia, so most of your dates would be at home. If you did go out in public, you'd have to play things down and everyone would think you're just really close best friends. Eddie and Steve would tag along sometimes so it looks like a double date but really they're just happily 3rd+4th wheeling so ya'll can hold hands in the movie theatre.

Making out in the back room of Family Video with Steve fully aware and keeping a lookout cause no one touches his gays goddammit😤.

Your introvertedness would balance out her extrovertedness perfectly and when you get more out there, she loves to see it and you guys would totally wreck havoc.

If you speak Spanish you would totally have conversations in Spanish and it'd bring you guys such a level of joy. It would be your way of speaking your love to each other when you're out in public. You'd pretend to talk shit about Steve and he'd be sweating bullets while you're really just saying stupid shit like, "the chicken ate a greyhound." "I know I saw it with my three eyes, my mom made a really nice casserole last night." "You should bring me some, god he looks so stupid doesn't he?"

You guys would just be such a perfect couple and the power you'd have if you could go public.

This was a lot but I hope you enjoyed!! Let me know what you thought lovely Anon and thank you again for the ask. This was really fun to write about and you sound so cool! Remember guys I take requests for match-ups and fics and the info link will be on my masterlist which I've linked at the top.

- Sarah💛

#jonathan byers #jonathan byers match up #jonathan byers imagine #jonathan byers x reader #robin buckley #robin buckley match up #robin buckley x reader #robin buckley imagine #stranger things match up

[mrtashiduncan]

IBLBM, Chapter 4 live slug (me) reaction

idk how you did it, but you've so easy for me to relate to jake, it's insane

"it's not a french press morning" lmaooo

jake. baby. love of my life. of all the bradley memories you have to choose from, you chose THAT ONE to remember in the middle of your medical???

"you don't need it" AH WTF WTF WTF

why mango though, is it bc he's hot?

willingness to leave people behind.. DUDE. they way i projected

okay brief but relevant parenthesis: i think it's amazing the way you've built jake from the scraps that the movie gave us on him. the material is close to nothing AND YET, you've managed to perfectly encapsulate jake's barely-there essence and make it something real and palpable and layered. also i think what's truly remarkable is that every single thing he says or does or thinks, feels in sync with movie!jake. there is not one thing i've read where i say "hmm not sure jake seresin would say that", quite the contrary, really

ngl i feel kinda weird that he didn't sit with fanboy and payback right away, BUT i'll attribute this to this widely-accepted fanon's idea that somehow all the daggers became like siblings in 2 weeks (which btw reminds me of the dark times in the mcu fandom when all fics post-avengers (2012) took place in the stark tower with them living together) lmaooo

fanboy my love i want a hug from you

oh man. my boy is down bad

i'll be a good former catholic and keep to myself my thoughts while readings jake's thoughts on bradley's body

ANOTHER RELEVANT PARENTHESIS: i also love the way you've built bradley. obviously the movie gave us a lot more material than with jake, but still, it feels (read: i feel) like you might've taken some of miles' personality (or at least what he and kaleigh let us on) and attached it to the character? am i correct? did you intend to? in any case, let me tell you this: YOUR BRADLEY IS AMAZING. he is, in my very not-so-humble opinion, The Perfect Man (haha i just remembered jake says this in Like What Up) because, again, he feels very real and in character with what the movie presented us with

you really should get an award for you E scenes

PHOENIX MY LOVE

god the pet names

THE PHILLIES. I KNEW IT. miles' traits bleeding into bradley YESSS GIMME MORE

ah this progressive camaraderie between everyone does feel natural!

OH MY GOD. OH GODDD. I'M-

teagan, you'll be hearing from my lawyer AND my therapist

no, for real, i LOVE angst, i love complicated and kinda self-sabotaging characters so that last part with jake and what we get to see of his past and the way he reacts to everyone, but particularly bradley is just *chef's kiss*. everything felt like a natural progression. it hurts in the best way

i've said this before but it bears repeating: you are an incredibly talented writer and i cannot wait to see where this goes <3

the way I love you!!!!!!! a live slug reaction so epic deserves it's own appropriate under the cut (with spoilers) response:

yes thinking of THAT while in medical... well it wasn't Jake's best plan was it

honestly any callsign I give a student I can guarantee I've given zero thought to 😂 it's usually the first word that comes into my head. you are absolutely welcome to picture mango as being hot <3 (if you're even referring to his callsign)

your first parentheses has me like 😭 thank you!!!!!! Jake is so precious to me and I try so hard to both keep my version of him true to the movie while also adding depth where I can... ah. thank you <3

re Jake not sitting with Payback and Fanboy straight away... yeah. I don't really believe that they'd go from the open animosity at the beginning of the movie to Super Besties by the end of it/after the mission, personally! gotta build that friendship first imo

re your second parentheses... thank you ahhh!!! I haven't necessarily consciously taken aspects of Miles' personality and applied it to Bradley! I just think that outside of a high stakes, stressful mission he'd be very confident and cool and collected and cocky because in their line of work you sort of have to be, I feel?

'you really should get an award for you E scenes' hehehehe 😈

'ah this progressive camaraderie between everyone does feel natural!' I'm so glad!!!

'teagan, you'll be hearing from my lawyer AND my therapist' I tried to warn people!!!!!! good to know that the angst lands well 🫣

'i've said this before but it bears repeating: you are an incredibly talented writer and i cannot wait to see where this goes <3' we are holding hands right now 🫶🏻

#imagine being loved by me #scheduling this to post in the morning because I'm wary of spoilers

[authorkellzkimberly]

Rain On Me....

Arnell "Nellz" Summers

Heavy drops of rain slapped against the window of my BMW, something like the way my ex Nassyr's calloused hands used to thunder against my ass. Bent over, back arched, soft nipples hardening against the sheets from the friction of them rubbing back and forth, my ass ricocheting against his pelvis while his dick invaded my territory. Nassyr kept me wet, just like this rain. Three was the magic number for when our bodies intertwined. My three to his one were Nassyr's favorite odds. By the time he hit the spot that only his dick had been privileged to find, what I thought was mine truly became his. For years, Nassyr's seed sprayed across my land, seeping into my womb in hopes of creating a beautiful flower, that was equal parts of me and equal parts of him.

Luckily, our hope never manifested into reality, and honestly, it was probably for the best. Had we actually produced a child, my showing up tonight would've looked vastly different. The Louis Vuitton duffle sitting on my backseat filled with money would've been in a savings account somewhere. Taking its place would be our child dressed to impress and ready to be carried on my hip as we entered the club. On my other hip would've been the .22 Nassyr gifted me for my eighteenth birthday. In the chamber, a single bullet that was also a gift and had our initials engraved into it. A glimpse of the child Nassyr left behind, and death would've been all I had to offer the man who not only broke my heart but shattered it and whisked away so many of the pieces that mending it was impossible.

After Nassyr got locked up on a gun charge, my love life might as well have been in the cell right along with him. I was the kind of girl who loved the rough and rugged type. A mean ass nigga who was only nice to me. That's how I loved them, and Nassyr was the epitome of that. I didn't think I would ever get over that man or the love we shared. What didn't need time to mend or heal was my pussy. I was so used to Nassyr dropping off premium dick on demand that when he left, my body began acting crazy. Withdrawals are what the drought felt like, so if my heart wasn't up for loving another, then my walls were up to the challenge, or at the least my clit being someone's fine dining.

The joke was on me, tho'. No nigga within the city or the surrounding ones would fuck with me. I was off limits, unapproachable, not to be fucked with. How Nassyr was able to stop all the get-money niggas wasn't surprising to me. My ex was that nigga. The hood respected him, and the hoes loved him. I used to be on that love list. The day that judge sentence Nassyr to three years, I vowed to do the bid with him. Every visitation, I planned on showing up. Every call I planned on answering. I was even willing to perjure myself just to make sure he got conjugal visitations. I had the fake marriage license on standby and all. That's how down I was for this nigga. Honestly, if I had been with him the day he got caught up, I might've taken the charge. Nassyr would never let me but that didn't mean I wouldn't have offered.

Nassyr was truly my whole heart, lung, and whatever other vital organ our anatomy needed to survive. That's why, after spending a week with my cell phone practically glued to my hand waiting on his call, I was confused when it never came. I showed up to the prison several times just to be told I wasn't on the list. It was radio silence, and all I had was the image of my baby being tugged away in cuffs as my last memories.

"Nellz, you sure this is how you wanna do things? I mean, I'm all for getting your lick back, but we don't gotta do it this way. We can key that nigga's car, have him riding on four flats, or fuck up his engine so he can't ride at all. The nigga won't be goin' home with none of these hoes. I'm even down to take that nigga's rims. I know Kairo blessed him with a new whip as a welcome home present." My best friend Monica went off on a tangent and then quickly brought it back.

"All I'm saying is giving a nigga a quarter mil is crazy. Any nigga leaving me that kind of money while he does a bid and cuts me off might as well kiss that shit goodbye. His ass had better go hit the pavement and sell a brick. He might even gotta get it back in blood 'cause I don't see myself letting go of two hundred and fifty thousand. Bitch, you're better than me."

Without taking my eyes off the marquee shining brightly with the words Welcome Home Nassyr, I asked my best friend of fifteen years," Monica, what are we gonna do with fucking rims?"

I appreciated her efforts, but they weren't needed. The same was to be said about her unsolicited advice. Monica wasn't the first person to call me stupid, and she probably wouldn't be the last. Once word got out about my behavior inside of this club, hoes and raggedy bitches alike would unite to run they mouths, then turn around and use those same lips my name stayed tatted on to suck Nassyr's dick and gargle his balls.

"Really, Nellz? Why are you acting like you don't know how my cousin Johnny gives it up? He with all the shits, especially when he got an Oxy in his system. Ain't no telling what that nigga gon' get himself into, but if we need him to, he can leave Nassyr's car fucked up."

The way Monica bigged up her zooted-ass cousin was enough to make me tear my focus from the marquee sign, illuminating the murky parking lot. Cutting my eyes in her direction, I pursed my lips together as the rest of my face scrunched in disgust.

"Bitch, don't even look at me like that. I love my cousin, but I ain't his momma. Him sniffing them pills don't got shit to do with me. Plus, I don't know why you're acting funny. You never have a problem when Johnny's boosting those expensive perfumes for your cheap ass. That nigga's your friend then, but when I want him to fuck up your ex shit, you wanna make faces." Monica rolled her eyes and smacked her overly glossed lips as if she'd made a valid point when she knew those things were not synonymous.

"That's different, and you know it. I love me some Johnny, don't get me wrong, but I told you before I'm not fucking with him after the last time."

"What last time?" she feigned confusion.

"You know exactly what last time I'm talking about."

"What? When he had you climbing the fence because that big ass dog almost took a chunk out of that wagon you carrying? Monica laughed.

"Yes!" I smacked, pissed she was even laughing. "And it's not funny, bitch. You couldn't tell me that Rottweiler wasn't about to feast on my booty meat. I'm lucky I even made it over the fence. Had me climbing for my life. I still can't believe you had me spray painting a bitch's house when you were the one fucking her man."

"Please, none of these hoes, including me, have claims to Maze. That nigga fucks whomever he wants."

"Then why spray that girl's house up? We had no business in her backyard. It should've been your ass that dog was snapping at."

"Uh, yes, we did. Maze might not be mine, but that nigga gon' roam and come back home. I know he does his dirt, and I'm cool with it, unlike that bitch. That hoe got online and started sneak dissing crazy. The bitch said if the shoe fits, and sure enough, it did. She was a punk and didn't want to come outside, so her house got tagged up in her place," Monica shrugged as if the whole situation was normal.

"Bye, Monica, because you love drama."

"So." She giggled. "Honestly, tho', it was better you than me with that mutt. Had the muthafucka took a bite out of you, you would be ok. Now if he would've gone for me, I'd probably be missing more than ass. That fucking mutt would've snatched my back too. I'm talking snatching my tramp stamp clean the fuck off. He would've had me walking around with nothing but spine."

"Monica, will you please!" I huffed to keep from laughing.

"Shit, I'm just saying. We're not all blessed in the body department. Some of us need personality to get us by."

"Oh, so what am I? Bland with a nice body?" I smacked.

"Never bland. You got all the seasoning, boo."

"And you got some, too. Stop acting like your petite body ain't tea."

"It is, but I know where my advantage lies. You were blessed with ass and perky triple-D cups. I was blessed with a cushiony throat that lays my niggas babies to rest along my esophagus." Stroking her throat, Monica stuck her tongue out, lowering it toward her chin as she closed her eyes and acted like she was catching nut.

"You are so unserious." I unwillingly laughed. Nothing was funny about what was going to take place tonight but leave it to Monica to get a few laughs in before things got serious.

"I have to be. You're serious enough for the two of us and a few hoes standing in line to see a nigga who doesn't give not one fuck about them."

Listening to Monica speak on the women who were lined up in the rain outside of Khaos, I couldn't help but relate her words to myself. I was no better than them. They might've been in the rain while I was in a warm car building up the nerve to actually head into the club, but we were both here to see the same man.

"I'm no better."

"Nellz, don't do that. Your reasons for coming differ from theirs, and you know it. They wanna suck dick, and you wanna tell a nigga to suck your dick. The two don't compare."

"They do, Monica. We're all here to see a nigga who doesn't give a fuck about us."

"Nassyr cares. He just has a fucked up way of showing it."

"A man who cares would never leave me out in the cold when I'm trying to be his warmth," I told her, and I meant every word.

I used to believe Nassyr when he told me I was the most beautiful girl in the world. I believed him when he told me the love he carried for me was endless and everlasting. No one could have ever caused him to waiver. I believed every word that man told me because, at the time, I didn't have a reason not to. Nassyr did more than talk. He showed action. Anything I wanted to do, he supported and, a lot of times funded. When I needed him, he was at my side, dropping whatever he was doing prior to because nothing was more important than me.

"You're right, and I'm not about to argue with you about your nigga. No one knows Nassyr's reason for cutting you off but him. All I can say is a three-year stint isn't easy for the person locked up or their loved one waiting on the outside. The only way to know the truth is by getting out of this car and going to see him. And put the damn money in the trunk. You're crazy for giving that back, but I'm with everything else."

"Let's go," I told Monica, cutting the engine.

Stepping outside of my BMW, I caught a few stares, none of them lasting longer than a few seconds. Fresh out, and this man still had niggas shook. I hated how much respect he got in the streets and loved it at the same time. A man who garnered respect that trickled down to those around him was sexy in my eyes.

I opened the back door, grabbing the duffle bag before hitting the lock button on my keyring twice. My heels clacked against the pavement, splashing in a few puddles. Monica and I bypassed the line, ignoring the smart remarks some of the bitches huffed. Had this been a different situation, I would've cut them hoes deep with my words. Nothing was sadder than a bitch trying to catch that fresh-out nut. They were spared. Whatever energy I had was on reserve for one person and one person only.

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